Wow! Thank you for sharing this. It's important to understand that both sides are looking each other over and making decisions. If I were the child I'd be fearful that it wouldn't work or I'd be sent back. If I were the adult I'd be worried about doing the right things for the child, being the best possible parent I could be and hoping that it's good enough for the child I'm about to bring into my life.
What foster children most need are foster parents of maturity, common sense and the ability to love without agenda. That's very hard to do. because agendas are often unconscious, subtle and entwined with good intentions.
I find many of the comments here troubling--full of *how lucky this little boy is to have found this home* etc. etc. etc. And he will hear that over and over--in school, in extra-curricular settings, everywhere.
That's a terrible burden to put on a child whose landscape of loss is already terribly complex. Children often deeply, desperately love the people who have hurt them most. They feel terrible guilt at loving new parents and losing the family they came from. Does this little boy have biological siblings? Imagine how he might feel, being given a *new brother* and perhaps being afraid that to accept the new means to irrevocably lose everything that came before. We as adults can understand this differently but this child has so much to comprehend, adjust to, deal with--even as the turbulence of puberty approaches which is rough for even the most *normal* of families.
Perhaps, instead of being so engaged with people who have fostered or want to, it would be wise to seek out and talk to adults who went through mixed-ethnicity foster and adoption environments. They can be your best guide to what you can*t see from where you stand, but need to understand before good intentions become lifelong wounds.
I find many of the comments here troubling--full of *how lucky this little boy is to have found this home* etc. etc. etc. And he will hear that over and over--in school, in extra-curricular settings, everywhere.
That's a terrible burden to put on a child whose landscape of loss is already terribly complex. Children often deeply, desperately love the people who have hurt them most. They feel terrible guilt at loving new parents and losing the family they came from. Does this little boy have biological siblings? Imagine how he might feel, being given a *new brother* and perhaps being afraid that to accept the new means to irrevocably lose everything that came before. We as adults can understand this differently but this child has so much to comprehend, adjust to, deal with--even as the turbulence of puberty approaches which is rough for even the most *normal* of families.
Perhaps, instead of being so engaged with people who have fostered or want to, it would be wise to seek out and talk to adults who went through mixed-ethnicity foster and adoption environments. They can be your best guide to what you can*t see from where you stand, but need to understand before good intentions become lifelong wounds.
6
I really appreciate this, because it is is a huge burden to constantly to told how lucky you are. The flip side, when you try to tell people - 'Actually, I wasn't so lucky' - is that they're angry, because you're now 'ungrateful'. The burden of the expectation of gratefulness can destroy a parent-child relationship. I know it did for me and my adoptive parents. It was never enough for me just to grow up and be a normal kid. THAT would have been a blessing! No, I was never anything more than an ungrateful wretch to them because I refused to play along with the narrative of how 'wonderful' they were for adopting me (which they did so not out of altruistic reasons, but because they were infertile).
Now here the scenario is even more complicated, because the little boy could be playing a role as Meghan's 'subject' in terms of her blogging and writing. I can't imagine how that could play out for him in any positive way. Especially as this looks like a trans-racial adoption. I second the suggestion to talk, not to other parents, but to adoptees and former foster kids.
Again, I have to ask why adoptee's voices are so infrequently heard in the pages of the NYT?
Now here the scenario is even more complicated, because the little boy could be playing a role as Meghan's 'subject' in terms of her blogging and writing. I can't imagine how that could play out for him in any positive way. Especially as this looks like a trans-racial adoption. I second the suggestion to talk, not to other parents, but to adoptees and former foster kids.
Again, I have to ask why adoptee's voices are so infrequently heard in the pages of the NYT?
3
Would you have preferred to stay in the system? You sound like miserable person overall, shame a better person didn't get the chances you were given.
@SCA NH & @person planet
I am an adopted person too.
Thank you both for so eloquently explaining the complicated emotional navigations of children involved in foster care and adoption.
@LI NYC
Thank you for so starkly exposing the ugly attitudes and bad thinking about foster care & adopted children that unfortunately persists to this day.
Your comment proves @SCA's & @person's points perfectly.
I don't think anyone could done a better job illustrating the common and caustic "you better feel lucky, or ELSE!" rule as you did in your hateful comment.
Hateful.
I am an adopted person too.
Thank you both for so eloquently explaining the complicated emotional navigations of children involved in foster care and adoption.
@LI NYC
Thank you for so starkly exposing the ugly attitudes and bad thinking about foster care & adopted children that unfortunately persists to this day.
Your comment proves @SCA's & @person's points perfectly.
I don't think anyone could done a better job illustrating the common and caustic "you better feel lucky, or ELSE!" rule as you did in your hateful comment.
Hateful.
4
Meghan, Taking the leap from foster care to adoption is not easy and you capture the emotional landscape of that process. For those who think foster care is meant to be temporary, your are right. At the same time, we need foster families who can love, become attached to the children so that they learn how to love and trust, and set the stage for a future of being safe and nurtured. As someone involved with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates), it is not unusual for the foster family to adopt the child. Some families do adopt after many years of serving as foster families when it becomes the right time. The children who are in foster care often have parents who are drug addicted and may have overdosed numerous times to the point where it is fatal. The children deserve a family who can create a loving space to love and be loved.
1
Meghan: Despite your earnest response to those of us pointing out the urgent need for privacy your foster child needs and deserves--not to mention your own child--you don't seem to understand the subtle coercion involved in *giving them a voice.*
This little boy must be now, and undoubtedly will be in future, desperate to please you and to respond both to what you say out loud and all the unspoken signals you are shedding like a virus.
You are supposed to be the grownup here, sublimating your own needs to what both of the children in your care require.
Every parent in your children*s school must know who you are at this point, and their children--who may range from delightful to thoughtless to cruel, as normal children can endlessly be--can read what you've already written and can use it to in myriad ways--meant and not meant--to hurt your foster child.
He needs to heal. He*s not yet your biological child*s brother, and imagining that you guys can create an instant new family for him is remarkably clueless. He may have many people part of his extended birth family he loves and misses even if they have badly failed him. You need to treat him like an extremely welcome guest who is learning to navigate new territory and whose visa isn't going to be revoked.
This little boy must be now, and undoubtedly will be in future, desperate to please you and to respond both to what you say out loud and all the unspoken signals you are shedding like a virus.
You are supposed to be the grownup here, sublimating your own needs to what both of the children in your care require.
Every parent in your children*s school must know who you are at this point, and their children--who may range from delightful to thoughtless to cruel, as normal children can endlessly be--can read what you've already written and can use it to in myriad ways--meant and not meant--to hurt your foster child.
He needs to heal. He*s not yet your biological child*s brother, and imagining that you guys can create an instant new family for him is remarkably clueless. He may have many people part of his extended birth family he loves and misses even if they have badly failed him. You need to treat him like an extremely welcome guest who is learning to navigate new territory and whose visa isn't going to be revoked.
6
This was a helpful article. I am the foster parent recruiter for Graham Windham and we work with indiviudal that are interested in being foster parents and reside with the Bronx, Brooklyn and Harlem community. If anyone is interested in attending and orientation for more information feel free to visit the agency website and get more information.
6
what a lovely story .. i've been wondering, and worrying about Blue Jay. So happy to read this lucky boy perhaps has found his 'forever home!' God bless you for what you do. xx's
7
You and your family are beautiful souls.
7
I have tremendous respect for families who step up to provide foster care for children whose own parents are struggling. I also feel compelled to say that foster care is intended to be temporary. Those who become foster parents are signing on to provide safe, stable, and nurturing care to a child while his or her parents get help. The vast majority of children who enter foster care are from families who are poor. Poverty raises the odds of numerous other complex risk factors, including mental illness, chronic health problems, drug addiction, domestic violence, and the list goes on. We, as a society, need to ensure that the systems and services designed to address these problems are adequately funded and effective. This is presently not the case, so in the end, too many children are being removed from their parents for reasons related to or intertwined with poverty. This is not acceptable. The best outcome for any child entering foster care is to be reunited with healthy, capable parents. My hope is that most foster parents embrace this goal and do all that they can to facilitate it, working with the family of origin whenever possible. When it is clear that reunification cannot be achieved in a reasonable time frame, only then should the path toward adoption be considered as an option.
11
Blessings to those who reach out to these children who have gone through a lot, and who like most of us, just want to be loved.
9
Foster kids are better off than children dragged into family court forced to testify about their parents over a custody dispute. They are also better off than children caught by child protective services after an amber alert.
4
Thanks for sharing your story, it brought tears to my eyes. I wish you the best for your family for the future.
12
"hand-painted picture of a bird ... in honor of our former foster son, whom we nicknamed BlueJay. He doesn’t understand its significance..."
And when he does?
She is taking herself -- and her family and her foster child -- on an emotional roller coaster ride that I'm not sure she or the other members fully "understand its significance" either, as manifested by her then 5 year old son's and her husband's "deep sense of loss" from the first foster child leaving.
Be careful.
And when he does?
She is taking herself -- and her family and her foster child -- on an emotional roller coaster ride that I'm not sure she or the other members fully "understand its significance" either, as manifested by her then 5 year old son's and her husband's "deep sense of loss" from the first foster child leaving.
Be careful.
7
Yes, be careful, but also Joconde, remember that life in general is a roller coaster ride for all of us with many events whose significance may take a long time to be realized. I applaud Ms. Walbert's courage in opening her heart to this child and in the encouragement her writing offers as she shares not only her temporary (and very human) hesitations but her resolve and the rewards of moving forward at peace with life's uncertainties. I love the coincidence of the child choosing "Bluejay." The writing suggests that as he learns more of Bluejay he'll appreciate their common good fortune in finding a home.
14
I love my dog, but we do more to keep animals from harm and provide shelter than we do to help children in our foster system find a home.
13
It's easier with animals than it is with children. Many children have families that are unable to care for them, but hope to one day. Whether we should be facilitating that hope or not is an argument for another day.
4
I hope it is always happy and great for you and your family, but if tough times occur you surely will handle them with your insight and love. May all your sons learn from you and lead a charmed life. The world is a better place with people who do the things you do. Inspiring.
10
Beautiful, just beautiful.
11
Wonderful. Makes me think of my friend, Marilyn. Much Appreciated.
So glad to hear from you again. I am looking forward to following your journey.
1
Foster parenting is harrowing. But so, so worth it if you can hang in there. I'm glad you could find your way back to it. So many kids, too few to foster.
1
I followed your journey with bluejay and cried when I read what you wrote when he left. I'm so deeply moved by your strength and your ability to open your heart again. To adopt an older child is a beautiful thing I'm so happy for all of you thank you for sharing your story
3
This warms my heart. I was so sad for your family when your previous foster son left. I'm glad you jumped in again to help another child.
1
I wish I could be the parent of a young child again, but I am 79 years. It seems impossible however I love your story. 'Oh, the places he'll go' with you to live and guide him.
1
As a child, I had the misfortune of being trapped in an unkind Dickensian foster home with my five siblings scattered to the winds...what a different world we all would live in, had we the incredible luck of being placed in yours instead. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking these two boys in...every moment of kindness will be remembered in their hearts forever...I promise. You can have no idea of the difference you've made already.
16
Give this kid a little bit of a break, would you? Hasn't he, as you already acknowledge, gone through enough? Do you need to make his experiences fodder for your oh-so-sensitive writing? He'll be able to Google your name, and the parents of his new classmates no doubt will be doing so, and maybe every aspect of his trying to make a new life for himself shouldn't be on display for your appreciative audience to congratulate you on.
11
@SCA: Wow, what a sour point of view you have! Meghan and her family already ARE giving this little boy far more than "a little bit of a break" - they are giving him a whole new chance at life.
Your time would be better spent doing a random act of kindness; try it some time. (There, now you know how you sound!)
Your time would be better spent doing a random act of kindness; try it some time. (There, now you know how you sound!)
11
A very valid concern, I would say ... I really hope the writing will be extremely respectful of his personal boundaries. I think I would have really hated it if any one in my adoptive family had gotten it into their heads to write a blog about me (thanks god blogs didn't exist back then).
6
L: Why would you assume that people who think safeguarding the private feelings of an already all-too-wounded child--rather than using him and his predecessor as the heartrending fodder for a particular sort of navel-gazing--don't actually do good things in their lives, for others, without needing a great big cheering squad?
6
I loved all of this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this. As we embark on the journey of the classes and certification process, it's nice to see current foster parents who are happy with their choices.
2
I adopted both my sons from foster care:)
2
This beautiful essay made my heart grow today. Thank you thank you for your humanity, it's an inspiration. May all children be touched by such love and kindness.
3
Simply Lovely.
1
Just beautiful. I wish you, your family, and your foster child a life filled with love and laughter as you begin this new journey of discovery and love.
1
Thank you for this. I was so moved by your story of Blue Jay and was equally encouraged and terrified by it. I hope to foster a child someday soon and I pray for the strength and grace you have shown.
4
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you.
2
It is very very easy and very very hard to love a child who is not yours...what I love about this writer is that she just does it, provides a home, and is willing to sacrifice and lose the love in the end. I am crying about Blue Jay and about the lovely children, now grown women, I was fortunate enough to love and lose when I was in social work...so much easier than foster parenting. Hats off to those who can provide this care...
10
Your writing is so vivid, you made ME panic a little, concerned that you were using arm's length language about your new son - then I relaxed and smiled after reading:
"...all I had to do was see his face to know what a fool I had been to worry about such a thing."
Warmest, warmest wishes to you and your family - oh, the places you'll go!
"...all I had to do was see his face to know what a fool I had been to worry about such a thing."
Warmest, warmest wishes to you and your family - oh, the places you'll go!
7
What a beautiful heart and soul you have! I wish the best for all the members of your family, including this boy to whom you have opened not just your heart & home, but also truly the door to a better life. He will feel the support of people who love him, value him, and let him know that it's OK to trust, because he is safe and secure. God bless you all.
5
I read your previous story and it broke my heart. So happy to see this.
2
Please, more! Your writing makes my heart swell! Thank you for so beautifully sharing your perspective.
7
I agree!!
I have long dreamed of being a foster parent, but I am also scared that I won't be good enough, or that I won't love the child enough. After reading this, I know that I'm still not ready yet, but I think one day I will be. Thank you, and good luck with everything.
7
If you are hesitant about becoming a foster parent right now, you might consider becoming a Court-Appointed Special Advocate or CASA. A CASA is a volunteer who, after training, is assigned to a foster child. She/he is present in the child's life, becoming a friend and advocate, working alongside the Social Worker, to ensure the best care possible within the system. Being a CASA is highly rewarding and, literally, makes a world of difference for a child.
5
I wish you the best as you welcome this 9 year old boy into your home and hopefully into your family forever.
I hope you will continue to write about this journey.
I adopted my daughter from foster care around the same age. I first met my daughter when she was 8 years old living in a foster care group home after a failed placement with extended biological family. After living with me for 6 months as a foster care placement, we finalized her adoption on her 9th birthday. Although we have experienced different challenges over the years, I am so thankful she is my child (now 20 year old adult) and that she was willing to take a risk and let herself love and trust me. I believe she knows that I will be here for her no matter what.
I hope you will continue to write about this journey.
I adopted my daughter from foster care around the same age. I first met my daughter when she was 8 years old living in a foster care group home after a failed placement with extended biological family. After living with me for 6 months as a foster care placement, we finalized her adoption on her 9th birthday. Although we have experienced different challenges over the years, I am so thankful she is my child (now 20 year old adult) and that she was willing to take a risk and let herself love and trust me. I believe she knows that I will be here for her no matter what.
24
Thank you for such a warm touching essay. I work with Foster families and am deeply moved by their generosity.
5
Best wishes to you all. Thank you for sharing your inspirational story.
4
Our first foster child was very special. She made the sun rise. 7 foster kids later, we still talk about her like she was still here. BTW We're in the process of adopting #2.
14
Yes! Thank you for reopening your hearts!
I am following your blog, as I am interested in becoming a foster parent.
I am following your blog, as I am interested in becoming a foster parent.
1
Very best wishes to you and your family; it's an inspirational essay.
1
If you don't have time to adopt or foster a child, I really encourage you to look at CASA. You can become a Court Appointed Special Advocate for children in rough situations and really make a positive impact in their lives. I found out about it through a comments section of a website, so I try to share it in the same way. If this comment helps one more person join CASA - it will be worth it.
5
No promises but I just googled it. Have always thought I'd one day like to foster but my husband and I are not there yet.
2
You are a blessing. Thank you, and your family, for working to make the world a better place, one child at a time. Your new son is so lucky.
1
I am so moved by this series of articles. Best wishes for your new, extended family and may the journey go well for you all.
1
oh, Meghan ~
beautiful, full of heart, as always.
beautiful, full of heart, as always.
2
Can't wait to hear more about your family. In this day and age you inspire me!
1
For many years I worked as a psychotherapist in the clinical department of a foster care agency. I know the struggles and joys of foster parents and children as they begin and create a new life together. It sounds like more loss is not in the future for either of you.....
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
1
Yay - you're back! Following along with Bluejay was amazing & heart wrenching...
I'm looking forward to "meeting" your newest child. Best of luck to you all.
I'm looking forward to "meeting" your newest child. Best of luck to you all.
1
In hopes you share updates of this new time in both of your lives. I'll wipe away my tears of gratitude now and look forward to the next edition! Thank you.
2
Thanks for sharing -- and for giving that boy the love he needs to grow and flourish.
1
So glad to hear you are giving life another chance. Hoping that it goes beautifully.
1
I work with older foster children. If only more foster parents were like you my job wouldn't be necessary. I would gladly make the trade and find another line of work. Sadly, this work will last long past my retirement...
5
Thank you for taking us along (again).
2
Every child is a blessing. How lucky to have the chance to raise a child, even if for just a little while, even a moment. To give the love a child needs to survive and thrive. Unconditionally.
4
Best wishes for you all. I admire you.
3
This weekend I will have dinner with my foster dad and foster sister. My foster dad and his wife cared for me 40 years ago. I was their first foster child. I was there even before their daughter was born. After I left, they opened their home to my youngest sister. They cared for her until she graduated high school and aged out of the system. In all, they opened their home and hearts to 37 girls in need of a safe place to call home. My foster family, like Ms. Walbert and her family, are all that stands between a child and unspeakable abuse. And we are forever grateful for the love and kindness of those who in a day went from strangers to family.
10
Thank you for having the courage to open your heart, home and family for this child. If you do nothing else in this lifetime, this alone is extraordinary.
1
Good luck to you and your family, Meghan. I am glad your heart was big enough to love this sweet, new boy. I hope you don't step on too many Legos:)
2
Also, the illustration made me get teary-eyed. Darn you, NYT illustrator!
2
Enjoy!
Thank you so much for sharing with us, Meghan. I can't wait to read more.
1
Thank you so much for sharing, and sending much love for this journey.
Oh...such a wonderful and loving story. Thanks for touching my heart. Thank you even more for giving your heart.
1
Meghan, I don't think I realized how much I needed to read this today until I read it. It always feels that way with you; the friend you haven't touched base with for a while, who ends up calling you as you're about to dial her.
It's hard to risk our hearts again, hard to take a chance, but in the end analysis, impossible not to. As sorry as I am about the pain all of you - including BlueJay - experienced (and whenever I think of him, I am hoping that he is doing so well!), that experience has led you to this one. One I know you wouldn't trade for the world.
As always you express your feelings so beautifully. As always, I'm moved, and despite the fact that I'm not in your situation, and never will be, I can see what it is your facing. Thanks for this update. Wishing you a lovely spring, new buds, new memories, new experiences.
And wait - this time Ryan is the younger brother! How about that!?
It's hard to risk our hearts again, hard to take a chance, but in the end analysis, impossible not to. As sorry as I am about the pain all of you - including BlueJay - experienced (and whenever I think of him, I am hoping that he is doing so well!), that experience has led you to this one. One I know you wouldn't trade for the world.
As always you express your feelings so beautifully. As always, I'm moved, and despite the fact that I'm not in your situation, and never will be, I can see what it is your facing. Thanks for this update. Wishing you a lovely spring, new buds, new memories, new experiences.
And wait - this time Ryan is the younger brother! How about that!?
4
Best wishes for you all!
71
Beautiful essay and so important. Thank you. Time to demystify foster/adoption in the U.S. The need for parents is enormous. So many kids waiting for someone to love them.
101
Anything by this writer makes me cry, and think about things differently. She's clearly an extraordinarily insightful person, as well as a wonderful writer. Wishing you only joy from now on.
118
What a wonderful article, thoughtful and sensitive. I'm teary-eyed.
May you all live well and prosper.
May you all live well and prosper.
98
That was very touching.
43
Wonderful to have you back!
61
Warmest wishes to you as you welcome your 9-year-old into what is hoped to be his forever family. ❤
I look forward to reading more as you move forward.
I look forward to reading more as you move forward.
112
Best wishes to you and your family. ❤
57
I loved and was so touched by your story about blue jay. I am so happy to read your writing again. So glad you have opened your heart and home to this child.
72