This is brilliant. So many insights into the smallness of our minds, the ineffectinvess of our lives.
7
A thoughtful piece of writing, if a bit long. I saw myself in those words, as both the receiver and giver, of rudeness. I have decided to err on the side of politeness as often as I can. Easier said than done, and sometimes I fail at it.
I have a friend with a quick sense of humor, who when faced with rudeness or observing rudeness, just says a few words that makes us all laugh, including the giver and the recipient of the rudeness. It's a marvelous gift.
I have a friend with a quick sense of humor, who when faced with rudeness or observing rudeness, just says a few words that makes us all laugh, including the giver and the recipient of the rudeness. It's a marvelous gift.
4
I greatly enjoyed this well-written article.
As an American citizen who has spent his entire adult life in Japan, I have often battled within myself as to what is rude. I was first bothered by the extremes to which the Japanese go to not be rude, even trying to read what the other party in the conversation expects before committing to a stance. Now, the better part of 40 years later, I've crossed over and I often feel Americans are rude by habit. I even remember when a young niece told me authoritatively that all the salt I was putting on a sandwich was not good for me, and when I told her she was being rude, the house came done around my ears for not letting her voice her 'truth.' Americans seem so ready to voice an opinion without thought of how it might affect the listener, but even an opinion that speaks truth may not be the best thing to say. The Japanese have a saying that approximates "There is no one so unsophisticated as one who knows only to speak the truth." In matters of State, the truth is essential and needs to reclaim its place in the way of things. In interpersonal relationships, whether with family or customs employees, considering the situation and the other persons feelings is instinctive to a well-educated Japanese and may offer something more valuable than sushi and karaoke for the Westerner to consider. The author seems to understand this and hopefully others will follow.
As an American citizen who has spent his entire adult life in Japan, I have often battled within myself as to what is rude. I was first bothered by the extremes to which the Japanese go to not be rude, even trying to read what the other party in the conversation expects before committing to a stance. Now, the better part of 40 years later, I've crossed over and I often feel Americans are rude by habit. I even remember when a young niece told me authoritatively that all the salt I was putting on a sandwich was not good for me, and when I told her she was being rude, the house came done around my ears for not letting her voice her 'truth.' Americans seem so ready to voice an opinion without thought of how it might affect the listener, but even an opinion that speaks truth may not be the best thing to say. The Japanese have a saying that approximates "There is no one so unsophisticated as one who knows only to speak the truth." In matters of State, the truth is essential and needs to reclaim its place in the way of things. In interpersonal relationships, whether with family or customs employees, considering the situation and the other persons feelings is instinctive to a well-educated Japanese and may offer something more valuable than sushi and karaoke for the Westerner to consider. The author seems to understand this and hopefully others will follow.
9
The death of civility is also because Americans promote bullies in their culture. At school and later in the workplace, bullies are the ones to get ahead first. One is given more points if one is a woman or minority, with minority women in the absolute ascendancy, at least in my own workplace. Because in the federal civil service it's currently virtually impossible to fire someone, minority women relish their role as bullies and the heavy, considering themselves to be unassailable by those in other races and gender.
3
Did anybody else notice that she examined her motives in describing the appearance of the male security guard, but not the female security worker or shop assistant? She really doesn't hold back with her opinion of the former, calling her body "shapeless" (which I'm sure is code for "fat" and all its associated moral failings) and pointing out the spots on her face. I guess judging women by appearance is so normal that it is unworthy of commentary.
8
I share your sentiment ... but why the condescending comment about his clothing ?
4
I remember when, as a young man, I managed a call center for a utility with over 1 million customers, being called in by my CEO, who was furious.
He shook a letter at me and demanded we find the clerk who had handled the writer's call and fire him.
She contended she was educated in a convent school and was never subjected to such language.
We dug the tape out, and it was the customer using four letter words while our clerk was asking what her problem was.
When the CEO heard the tape he demanded the customer be arrested.
I explained to him this happened frequently. He was astonished.
The point being, not that we had exemplary clerks, but they were given psychological tests, before being hired to see if they were suited for the job.
You can not administer those tests today, so you have the wrong people handling a bad situations when they arise.
He shook a letter at me and demanded we find the clerk who had handled the writer's call and fire him.
She contended she was educated in a convent school and was never subjected to such language.
We dug the tape out, and it was the customer using four letter words while our clerk was asking what her problem was.
When the CEO heard the tape he demanded the customer be arrested.
I explained to him this happened frequently. He was astonished.
The point being, not that we had exemplary clerks, but they were given psychological tests, before being hired to see if they were suited for the job.
You can not administer those tests today, so you have the wrong people handling a bad situations when they arise.
2
People are rude. In fact, give or take, they've always been rude, especially when given the opportunity. What Planet have you been on?
1
Fascinating article. I saved it for later re-reading. It relates somehow to something I keep trying to understand, specifically the two very different understandings of "political correctness. It is a virtue (the left) and anathema (the right.) Somehow related I think to the author's meditation on rudeness. Thanks for this piece.
2
During the campaign, at least, Trump's incessant rudeness was aimed at opponents, or at least those who could be perceived as such. Trump never belittled anyone he thought might vote for him. Clinton's mistake was that she directly attacked voters.
"47%" and "basket of deplorables." The history of this country might be radically different had those phrases never been uttered.
"47%" and "basket of deplorables." The history of this country might be radically different had those phrases never been uttered.
4
Very honest and thorough. When courtesy conveys real respect for another person even in disagreement, it opens doors to communication. I try to ask myself if I would rather be "right" or solve the problem. If I am harsh or insulting I push the other into a defensive posture to make myself feel vindicated or righteous and nothing gets done.
1
If this woman genuinely is part of the 'liberal elite', as she self-describes, then my god no wonder we lost! How insufferable!
2
I know Cusk interprets her painter friend as having a staring contest with the rude TSA official. But, I would suggest an alternative interpretation. He may have been trying to gauge the situation, the guard's character and motivation, and what would be most effective to say. Her painter friend may, in other words, have been trying to assess the likely outcome of his words, rather than reflexively yielding to the temptation to express his indignation. The TSA official may also have either realized this or had a chance to reflect upon the situation and her behavior herself. Rudeness could have been the unintended consequence of everyone yielding to a reflex, which a mere time-out averted.
4
On the author's self-reflection; perhaps, as might you, he is being rude because he deplores the cheap tawdriness of his uniform. The point being that your own, covert rudeness in condemning the man, closes the door to amicability, whose foundation is in our commonness apart from our differences. You should say to him; 'Come on bro, lets make the most of a bad situation.'
14
This is beautifully written. Penetrating. The author did not write this to make herself look good. She aims for truth and understanding. It takes a particular kind of courage to say something unpleasant about oneself. Courage is needed because such efforts are so often met with scorn.
A brave woman.
A brave woman.
58
I think the lady with spots on her face was so unhappy and unkind because she isn't beautiful. When your friend looked at her with kindness and recognition, she answered his call to common humanity. Maybe she felt envious of the pretty woman with all the expensive face creams. People are all so vulnerable and rudeness is one way it bleeds through.
25
Clearly the author has thought about these perspectives for a long time; she knows how complicated life has become.
16
The authored seems to have missed two points. First, that rude people don't think they are being rude; they think they are being righteous in a world gone astray. Hence the man's reaction: "You're being rude!" Berating someone almost always elicits a defensive reaction and the conversation ends before it begins. It doesn't matter who is right; what matters is that progress is made. Second, you walk through the world with grace when you respect everyone. Everyone. Including those who show no respect. The golden rule is missing from the story.
35
The author writes very well and appears to be quite introspective and thoughtful. So the following may be obvious to Rachel -
Politeness follows empathy. So don't try and be polite. Be empathetic. Be kind. If you are able to achieve this then politeness will follow naturally.
Nobody likes politeness when it is fake and people are usually quick to recognize a genuinely polite, empathetic person.
Politeness follows empathy. So don't try and be polite. Be empathetic. Be kind. If you are able to achieve this then politeness will follow naturally.
Nobody likes politeness when it is fake and people are usually quick to recognize a genuinely polite, empathetic person.
70
I would say the problem lay in the way many Liberals communicate their displeasure. (I am liberal, BTW.) The ability to simply state things, instead of the tortured language gymnastics Rachel Cusk performs to say, "people are rude; be polite (herself included)," reflects the divide. Liberals rant in voluminous fashion, filling up the ether - parsing together narratives, commentary, and logical flows into 5,000 word pieces. A conservative - he tweets 140 characters! LOL.
Also, the idea of politeness is flawed. Politeness is not a virtue - I could make the worst case that some Nazis were polite to the Jews in the days leading up to WWII. Does that make them any better? HELL NO. Politeness is not listed here - http://www.virtuesforlife.com/virtues-list
One real virtue is being honest, and yet accessible to the fact you don't know everything (humility), and sharing your limitations (modesty), and not foisting your ideals onto others(respect), while maintaining yours (self-discipline) - helps.
The fact is: the world is an unforgiving place for policy changes. The shifts are swinging too wildly from one extreme to the other. We lack clarity and balance. The Globalization of capital, labor, technology, and ideology, has enhanced the waves of discord, mistrust, and confusion. We just don't like to change this fast. It upsets us. Causes one to question: what/why did I learn things that don't help me now?
Anyways, I posit this is a happy medium for length of writing (compromise).
Also, the idea of politeness is flawed. Politeness is not a virtue - I could make the worst case that some Nazis were polite to the Jews in the days leading up to WWII. Does that make them any better? HELL NO. Politeness is not listed here - http://www.virtuesforlife.com/virtues-list
One real virtue is being honest, and yet accessible to the fact you don't know everything (humility), and sharing your limitations (modesty), and not foisting your ideals onto others(respect), while maintaining yours (self-discipline) - helps.
The fact is: the world is an unforgiving place for policy changes. The shifts are swinging too wildly from one extreme to the other. We lack clarity and balance. The Globalization of capital, labor, technology, and ideology, has enhanced the waves of discord, mistrust, and confusion. We just don't like to change this fast. It upsets us. Causes one to question: what/why did I learn things that don't help me now?
Anyways, I posit this is a happy medium for length of writing (compromise).
26
I applaud the length bc I enjoyed every word of this very thoughtful piece.
53
I find this essay wonderful. How insightful the author is. Most people do have a vision of themselves. There are many things that go into that vision and reinforce it. The primary reason that rudeness is assuming it's increasing role in day-to-day life is, I think, because peoples' visions are contradicted by their enforced position in society. People can't change what they are forced to do to keep body and soul together. Regardless of how important, good, intelligent, pretty, etc. they see themselves to be they are controlled by the reality of what they are forced to do in society. It is unscrupulous villains who use this to present the frustrated with a reason, a target and way to deal with it. The reason that you aren't a CEO or a social media celebrity is because of too high taxes, immigrants, environmental regulations, politeness and anyone who appears educated. Just strike out against these things and things will be better for you. And guess what, this process has and continues to work.
13
My mother often used stories to teach her children. This one had a huge impact on me and still does at age 71. "Two men going to work in NYC stopped every morning at a newsstand. They both spoke pleasantly to the vendor, usually with a 'good morning'. He invariably responded with a vehement rudeness. After a while one man simply picked up his paper and paid. The other continued to greet the vendor pleasantly and would invariably be met with a rude reply. Finally the first man asked his friend: 'why do you continue being polite to that rude s.o.b.?' His friend replied: 'why should I allow the fact that he is a rude s.o.b. change the way I behave?"
This was the ONLY time I ever heard my mother curse.
This was the ONLY time I ever heard my mother curse.
26
Same old British aristocracy tsk tsk-ing. De Tocqueville wrote that "the manners of aristocracy" (and he was emphasizing the British in that chapter compared to the Americans) "are lost and vanish forever as soon as the democratic revolution is complete . . . Those manners threw a pleasing illusory charm over human nature; and though the picture was often a false one, it could not be viewed without a noble satisfaction." De Tocqueville seems to be describing Ms. Cusk about 175 years in advance. Ms. Cusk lauds "good manners [as] the thing to aim for" and "navigate by," and seems surprised that both final presidential candidates here in 2016 could have been so deeply rude. Good manners might be nice at tea time in the painter's salon, just as at EU headquarters in Brussels, but there are probably some other things for our leaders to aim for, like jobs, security, equality and liberty. When Ms. Cusk admits that she lives "the privileged life," she was being understated. How polite. How clueless.
Whoops, sorry to be rude, deary.
Whoops, sorry to be rude, deary.
10
I despise the word "rude." It's overused and, as this article demonstrates nobody really knows what rudeness means or how to avoid being tarred with it. I agree that the harried passport agent was right: It's bad manners to assume that the author of this article, and her alone, is the self-appointed guard of social rectitude. I'm called rude on a regular basis. I deal with the public in a call center environment. At first the word "rude" stung because I was raised with good manners. I came to realize that I'm "rude" only when I have to deliver a bit of company information (a client cannot get a fee waived, or that the billing IS the client's responsibility, no matter what the excuse) that frustrates what a caller demands on getting. In this scenario, being called "rude" is a weapon. It's the kind of accusation that, like the Salem witch trials, the accuser is not required to prove; merely speaking the word in connection to another's behavior is the kiss of death.
I will also add that as an onlooker in the passport checkpoint, the author of this article, is the very type who ought to try to put herself in another man's shoes before she descends from her self-imposed Olympus of social rectitude to chastise the mere mortals who ruffle her social feathers. As the article demonstrates the author took a momentarily unpleasant encounter -- made it all about herself -- and generated a LONG article about it.
I will also add that as an onlooker in the passport checkpoint, the author of this article, is the very type who ought to try to put herself in another man's shoes before she descends from her self-imposed Olympus of social rectitude to chastise the mere mortals who ruffle her social feathers. As the article demonstrates the author took a momentarily unpleasant encounter -- made it all about herself -- and generated a LONG article about it.
12
You can deliver unpleasant information and not be rude about the delivery. It is a cop out to say when delivering negative information is the time that you are considered rude.
I don't buy this and I don't agee. I believe we have a choice in how we behave and we should always strive to be our best selves. I am a business owner and I have terminated people's employment. Yet I have never been rude or ignorant when discussing issues with those individuals. It is important to assume personal responsibility and treat others they way we would want to be treated.
I don't buy this and I don't agee. I believe we have a choice in how we behave and we should always strive to be our best selves. I am a business owner and I have terminated people's employment. Yet I have never been rude or ignorant when discussing issues with those individuals. It is important to assume personal responsibility and treat others they way we would want to be treated.
2
In these mind numbing times of Trump, rudeness seems to be everywhere. And her statement, "Rudeness itself is not the calamity. It is the harbinger, not the manifestation, of evil," is particularly shocking - because I believe it is true. trump is rude because he is getting us ready, conditioning us, for the evil he will try to foist upon the world. He is in effect saying over and over again through his raving rudeness,"You thing this is bad? You ain't seen nothing' yet!" Politeness doesn't stand a chance against this monster. I wish I knew what does.
19
"Society organizes itself very efficiently to punish, silence or disown truth-tellers. Rudeness, on the other hand, is often welcomed in the manner of a false god. Later still, regret at the punishment of the truth-teller can build into powerful feelings of worship, whereas rudeness will be disowned."
As a student of psychology, it is interesting to see the amount of transference of their own rudeness many of the comments contain. The author revealed a lot of 'truths' about herself and her flawed human reactions to others and, as predicted, is punished because we do not want to own our personal prejudices and rudeness. New Golden Rule: Do unto others so you don't have to feel what has been done unto you.
As a student of psychology, it is interesting to see the amount of transference of their own rudeness many of the comments contain. The author revealed a lot of 'truths' about herself and her flawed human reactions to others and, as predicted, is punished because we do not want to own our personal prejudices and rudeness. New Golden Rule: Do unto others so you don't have to feel what has been done unto you.
17
Rachel:
Please write a book about mothers and daughters now that you are both.
Please write a book about mothers and daughters now that you are both.
12
Thank you commenters, I actually learned a good bit more from you, than the article. In fact, you helped me see my own self righteousness and elitist thoughts. Rather frightening to be faced with those shortcomings at this age. Tomorrow, I promise to try to use the same yardstick to measure others, as I use on myself.
15
This woman can write! I was mesmerized by the elegance and intelligence of the author's writing style, her interesting and subtle way of exploring a sensitive and topical subject, and her willingness to put her own behavior and thought processes, her automatic responses, and previously unconscious condescension, under scrutiny, all in an effort to understand the nature of human interaction, especially in it's current demoralizing and illiberal condition. My thanks to the author. I am grateful to the Times for printing this. From Dalai Lama XIV: 'This is my religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.'
47
There's a difference between kindness and self-absorption, and ritualized manners can't compensate for that difference.
5
masterful writing, but that is something rachel cusk has already heard! it has been a pleasure to discover you through this article, better late then never.
the comments on your article are also intriguing, a sort of social experiment on how people react to a writer's personal, naked experience to further illustrate the reality of social norms.
the article makes me interested in further study of rudeness, incivility, and what it means in our day... however i didn't feel as much a connection to the development on the vein of rudeness, regret, jesus, etc. i don't believe that regret is what has driven 2000 years of christianity.
thank you for giving us plenty to contemplate! bravo!
the comments on your article are also intriguing, a sort of social experiment on how people react to a writer's personal, naked experience to further illustrate the reality of social norms.
the article makes me interested in further study of rudeness, incivility, and what it means in our day... however i didn't feel as much a connection to the development on the vein of rudeness, regret, jesus, etc. i don't believe that regret is what has driven 2000 years of christianity.
thank you for giving us plenty to contemplate! bravo!
12
"She looks unhealthy, her face covered with sore-looking red spots, her shapeless white body almost writhing with its own anger, as though it wishes only to transgress its boundaries, to escape itself in an act of brutality."
In the midst of your righteous indignation, Ms. Cusk, did you ever stop to ask yourself about the shape of this woman's body? Have you considered that this gratuitous reference is hypocritical, tantamount to the bigotry displayed the woman you are describing?
In the midst of your righteous indignation, Ms. Cusk, did you ever stop to ask yourself about the shape of this woman's body? Have you considered that this gratuitous reference is hypocritical, tantamount to the bigotry displayed the woman you are describing?
19
She clearly thought about it as evidenced by her description. I believe the point was that misery can manifest itself in one's appearance.
12
She probably did.
4
You're too complicated Lady!
Maybe others mirror what they see in you. So it is not them you are seeing but yourself.
Therefore, be the change you want to see in other's. (oO who said that-Ghandi I believe)
Maybe others mirror what they see in you. So it is not them you are seeing but yourself.
Therefore, be the change you want to see in other's. (oO who said that-Ghandi I believe)
5
Rachel Cusk is a rude woman. For all her intellect and verbal dexterity, she seems not to understand such basic words as "empathy," "kindness" or "principle." She stays silent when a Black woman is bullied in the airport, but feels totally comfortable bullying an airport employee (of lower class perhaps?) or a shop girl? What entitles her to call out others' misbehavior when she is so blind to her own? As my grandmother used to say, "who died and left you boss?"
27
As many of Ms. Cusk's fans have pointed out, she isn't blind to her own misbehavior. Instead, she uses it as a pretext to wallow even more deeply in self-absorbed introspection. That's what's truly pathetic about this piece!
12
Another ugly example of classism which diminishes the return on this article as I could not bear to read its entirety:
His face is red, and his expression is unpleasant. He looks at me — a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led — with loathing.
His face is red, and his expression is unpleasant. He looks at me — a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led — with loathing.
2
Lost in this essay was an opportunity to meaningfully reflect on the devolution of civility and civility's importance to a high functioning society.
For example, Milo Y's loss of civility and respect for other humans - to isolate and publicly attack private individuals - and the response in Berkeley, a repudiation of the loss of civility - of providing him a pulpit to abuse others - under the pretense of free speech. Each dark period in history was preceded by mass scale devolution of civility.
On another matter, it's time for us to make threats of death and harm a punishable crime. It should be considered no different from assault (physical threat of harm - vs. battery, which is actual physical harm). Intimidation not only impedes free speech, it impedes freedom to participate in society.
For example, Milo Y's loss of civility and respect for other humans - to isolate and publicly attack private individuals - and the response in Berkeley, a repudiation of the loss of civility - of providing him a pulpit to abuse others - under the pretense of free speech. Each dark period in history was preceded by mass scale devolution of civility.
On another matter, it's time for us to make threats of death and harm a punishable crime. It should be considered no different from assault (physical threat of harm - vs. battery, which is actual physical harm). Intimidation not only impedes free speech, it impedes freedom to participate in society.
7
I think the article is interesting in that it puts into articulation human comedy-complexity.
The dress shop episode is bluntly candid while humorous.
Probably my take on rudeness is more moody & ad hoc.
Because I am certainly no skillful diplomat, though I'd like to be a much better & personable salesperson when I so choose.
Being nice is personally & commercially extremely beneficial, isn't it?
My not nice nature is written on my "introspective face" if not by way of voice.
The author's confessional-explanatory style is worthwhile & pretty constructive reading.
The dress shop episode is bluntly candid while humorous.
Probably my take on rudeness is more moody & ad hoc.
Because I am certainly no skillful diplomat, though I'd like to be a much better & personable salesperson when I so choose.
Being nice is personally & commercially extremely beneficial, isn't it?
My not nice nature is written on my "introspective face" if not by way of voice.
The author's confessional-explanatory style is worthwhile & pretty constructive reading.
7
It is unfortunate that many who read this essay were offended by it. I suspect, as have others in their comments, they did not read the entire piece. The author seeks to understand, not only the behavior of others, but also her own reactions to that behavior. She honestly admits to encounters in which she may have attributed to conflict between her and another.
This is a timely piece. In the current political climate, we would do well to think about what she has written.
This is a timely piece. In the current political climate, we would do well to think about what she has written.
32
I read the entire piece. Ms. Cusk's protracted navel gazing further into the article does not absolve her from ownership of the observations in the first part, which clearly were offensive to a number of people and could have been softened or eliminated from the article without compromising its basic message.
7
One has to wonder if the authors condescending and judgemental attitude effects the attitude of the recipient that she sees as inferior. Yes the world is a much ruder place than I remember from my youth, more crude and more vulgar. Just look at what just became our so called president.
17
I gave up halfway. The writer's flowery inner-monologues seem withdrawn from her surroundings and fixated on politeness as pre-emptive strike with expectations, rather than a simple personal social lubricant inspired by hopes.
8
I enjoyed this article; the mental gymnastics/yoga of the author to make some sense of her recounted situations reminded me of my own feverish, late night thought processes when ill this winter. But I am also reminded of my own rudeness while navigating the Customs queues in Miami, returning from a trip to Cuba. I was completely disarmed by the kindness and helpful take- charge attitude of a female agent. I wish I had taken her name and written to the TSA on her behalf. Some folks have such a rare ability to handle conflict, to just cut the stem of anger before it grows. Her kindness continues to be a model for me when encountering rudeness or people who just need a little help in everyday life.
8
Thank you for this story and reflection on rudeness. To me, the piece demonstrated the ability of the writer to be reflective and critical of their own behavior towards the ends of improving this behavior, and making the world a better place, one moment at a time. In addition to doing things in the world, I think it's also important to consider what's happening internally. Writers tend to be good at this task, and hopefully, can help others find the words and means to inquire into their own lives. For example, if someone stopped reading after the first paragraph, I wonder how much that is a result of our shrinking attention spans and how much of that is something else. The only way to find an answer to this question is to inquire into one's own motivations, which if we're honest, are just as muddled and morally ambiguous as the writer's relationship to rudeness. The irony that an article about rudeness is met with rudeness is...typical of the moment. God I wish I had an answer to how we can pull ourselves out of this spiral of diminishing trust that seems to plague us, and prevent us from treating others as we would want to be treated.
13
Manners do have a place in society, making us aware of each other and trying to get along in interactions no matter your social or economic status. I do not agree with any criticism levelled against the author. I thought she was pretty honest with herself and her behavior and how she views interactions in her life from both sides. She did not say the rude things going through her mind. I do agree that being nice and polite as an example of good behavior over all accomplishes more.
2
Even more interesting than the article itself are the comments and what they reveal about each commenter.
12
Commenters, please read the essay before jumping to a conclusion. We have enough of the thinking people get all the information we need simply by reading a headline or in this case, only the first two paragraphs of a very, very long essay.
I thought the NY Times readership would be a bit more informed and thoughtful than what I'm seeing here in the comments section.
It's quite a good analyzation of rudeness and introspection as well.
I thought the NY Times readership would be a bit more informed and thoughtful than what I'm seeing here in the comments section.
It's quite a good analyzation of rudeness and introspection as well.
6
"Please read the essay"? I did. The author never apologizes or expresses her own embarrassment (let alone empathy for her targets); instead, she only becomes ever more self-absorbed, until she's finally convinced that the answer is to use ritualized politeness as a shield.
5
Rachel Cusk,
Thank you for your essay on rudeness !
Our Emily Post "is rolling over in her grave" in Tuxedo Park at the current desecration of manners, rapidly escalating in 2017.
Marjorie Merriweather Post "is rolling over in her grave" in Hillwood at the desecration of her former residence at Mar-a-Lago.
Impulse control in children (as well as adult children), is in part due parenting which failed to use "Go to your room", appropriately & often enough.
Thank you for your essay on rudeness !
Our Emily Post "is rolling over in her grave" in Tuxedo Park at the current desecration of manners, rapidly escalating in 2017.
Marjorie Merriweather Post "is rolling over in her grave" in Hillwood at the desecration of her former residence at Mar-a-Lago.
Impulse control in children (as well as adult children), is in part due parenting which failed to use "Go to your room", appropriately & often enough.
4
I've been all over the USA & many places on the World. The nicest, most helpful, & most polite people I have ever met live in Sanford, NC. That's a big reason I moved there when I retired. One cannot help but be happy surrounded by these wonderfully kind people. I haven't really met a snob there in 12 years.
6
ESPN reported that Tom Brady's favorite book is "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. So I bought this book and read it (if it's good enough for Brady it's good enough for me).
It says that when people are rude, it is really all about themselves. They are stuck in a fog of negative emotions and conflicts that they learn throughout their lives and can't escape. The way to deal with rudeness (in others and yourself too), as Epictetus might have said, is to focus on your own integrity and escape your own fog. The Dalai Lama would say that compassion for the rude person helps too, something that perhaps the man with the paint tubes conveyed to the TSA lady.
Tom Brady is on to something!
It says that when people are rude, it is really all about themselves. They are stuck in a fog of negative emotions and conflicts that they learn throughout their lives and can't escape. The way to deal with rudeness (in others and yourself too), as Epictetus might have said, is to focus on your own integrity and escape your own fog. The Dalai Lama would say that compassion for the rude person helps too, something that perhaps the man with the paint tubes conveyed to the TSA lady.
Tom Brady is on to something!
7
This is a magazine article. They are longer than newspaper articles. When you read the Times online, sometimes its hard to tell the difference. Look for the unique font they use for the title to indicate that the article may be longer and express opinion. Like many readers, I was startled by the description of the airport employee in the customs area. Then, I was startled that the author was in the UK. As the article unfolded, I thought it became more interesting in its fairly open ended exploration of how we should use language and regard strangers, family, politicians, their words, and their "manners". Unless you read the entire article, it's difficult to completely understand the article and the author's viewpoint. You should read the whole thing and spend some time thinking about it. I think that is the point of the article, actually.
12
It’s difficult to reckon with the thought that this an a spate of long, introspective, sometimes awkward essays appearing in magazines and newspapers as disparate as “Foreign Affairs” and the “New York Times” because of Trump.
Trump’s total disregard for 1) all of the traditions of inter-action with peers and then, 2) assuming to represent a class of people with whom he’d never associate on any level has bewildered writers and thinkers to try and give meaning to obscure thoughts never meant to be considered either alone or together.
What makes essays like “The Age of Rudeness” to explain the unexplainable, is the great lengths the authors go to avoid mention Trump, his totalitarian direction or his silly hairdo.
People insult others to head off what they feel will certainly be insults that their beliefs, actions and even appearances will elicit.
Writers and thinkers need to follow the leads of artists—say what it is that they do not like about the people assuming to be leaders.
It’s a lot easier than trying to say something without saying it; as Freud observed, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
Trump’s total disregard for 1) all of the traditions of inter-action with peers and then, 2) assuming to represent a class of people with whom he’d never associate on any level has bewildered writers and thinkers to try and give meaning to obscure thoughts never meant to be considered either alone or together.
What makes essays like “The Age of Rudeness” to explain the unexplainable, is the great lengths the authors go to avoid mention Trump, his totalitarian direction or his silly hairdo.
People insult others to head off what they feel will certainly be insults that their beliefs, actions and even appearances will elicit.
Writers and thinkers need to follow the leads of artists—say what it is that they do not like about the people assuming to be leaders.
It’s a lot easier than trying to say something without saying it; as Freud observed, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
3
Better to focus on Trump's totalitarian direction than on his bad manners. If we hadn't been so focused on niceties, Bernie Sanders might be our President.
1
Regarding comments on the length of this piece, indeed, I was aware of finding it longer than other articles. Yet I would not remove one word, for that would diminish its beautiful precision. It demands the reader slow the pace. It has been a long while since I have felt enriched, rather than merely informed.
8
Why does the writer repeatedly bring religious themes and biblical references into her article? If nothing else, for me at least that more or less discredits her argument.
Politeness -- and impoliteness, as an active alternative rather than just the absence of politeness -- have been studied extensively by linguists and social scientists. This kind of personal, anecdotal account isn't particularly useful, execpt perhaps as a form of self-therapy for the writer.
Politeness -- and impoliteness, as an active alternative rather than just the absence of politeness -- have been studied extensively by linguists and social scientists. This kind of personal, anecdotal account isn't particularly useful, execpt perhaps as a form of self-therapy for the writer.
1
I've observed that people often project their own feelings onto others. If the airport security lady was miserable that day, she probably felt that everyone else was, too. The artist friend displayed an inner stillness and compassion that demonstrated the world is not always a reflection of one's self, and a reminder to the lady in question that she could transcend her own misery. Maybe that's what Jesus would do?
2
This was excellent. I am thought provoked.
9
The article was rambling, but regarding behavior at airports, over the past 5 years I've noticed more courtesy by security personnel at NYC airports and more rudeness at Heathrow. It used to be the opposite. And the grilling to pass through passport control by one particular female agent who wants to make sure you will not linger in her country make one feel decidedly unwelcome. I am tempted to say, after answering her questions (My first 2 answers should have assured her that I'm not a migrant), please glance at the stamps on my passport and you will see I've been in and out of your country 6 times in the past 2 years--see, I don't stay. But, once on the ground in London, Oxford, and Cambridge courtesy rules, much more than in NYC where pedestrians bulldoze their way through the streets and drivers don't mind hitting pedestrians crossing in the crosswalk with the walk signal. Except in the shops. Maybe there is a lot of shoplifting in London that predisposes the clerks not to be helpful and treat customers with suspicion.
3
Are all airport security people "rude"? Not really they are just human and trying to make a living doing a tough job.
5
I was raised in a deep blue collar family.Manners and respect for others were the fundamentals and you caught a good slap when you failed to execute either. My mother had a saying up on the fridge "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice". Long after her loving eyes closed, I understand what it was about her generation that instilled the strong sense of manners and respect in my generation.They saw it as the working class currency.Most of our parents never dreamed of hundreds of thousands of dollars, never mind, millions in the future for themselves or their children. So they believed that your value was in your name and it had to be known as ethical,mannered and respectful. Once your name lost it's association with integrity ,it would be a hard struggle to regain your respect in the neighborhood,which at the time, was the world. I graduated high school. I worked for others until I was fed up and took a chance and went out on my own with $600 to my name. I did very well. Not because of the money earned, but because no one who meets me knows that I have any. I did well because I moved thru the world with manners and respect for others, still fearing the loss of the value of my name if I didn't. That's it- that's what opened doors for me that should not have opened without a college degree.I made up for that by educating myself by listening, reading and travel. How we present ourselves to others is the personal wealth that can't be lost or devalued.
13
I would suggest that the author actually work at one of these public service jobs for a few years and then come back with her opinion.
9
Hear! Hear! It's a grind working with the great unwashed, demanding and whining public. Often, as this writer illustrates, those who work in the customer service profession are viewed as little more than servants or impromptu slaves; slaves that can be cowed by the word "rude."
2
Public service says it all. I very seldom travel by air anymore. I have never been more rudely treated than by airline and airport "public servants". My last trip to Germany was a nightmare - I felt I was being punished by US airport and airline workers. I refuse to pay large sums of money to be treated as if I have no human worth. However traveling within Germany by train was a wonderfully human experience. Kindness, generosity, patience, and humor was evident in every encounter.
1
This woman has enviable writing skills and an ability to take simple actions as a jumping off point to ponder greater issues. That being said it was the two different ways the black woman was treated vs how the painter was treated that hit me. I heard almost the exact story on TV. A dark black woman described how differently she was treated than was her light skinned dark sister in law in a grocery line. Straight up racism and at airport sexism and racism. We are living in scary times with Trump and Brexit.
7
I must be an outlier because nearly everyday I find myself struck by how many encounters are not marred by rudeness. And how many are marked by efforts at civility.
Does it all come down to what we choose to focus on, what we take for granted versus what we dwell on? I am not Pollyanna; I see rudeness. I just try to see beyond it.
Sometimes I think we are currently fixated on perceived rudeness because it gives us, so we think, a justification for outrage, and outrage we relish and embrace.
Oh, and I am also one who doesn't recall the good old days as being all that good (or polite)!
Does it all come down to what we choose to focus on, what we take for granted versus what we dwell on? I am not Pollyanna; I see rudeness. I just try to see beyond it.
Sometimes I think we are currently fixated on perceived rudeness because it gives us, so we think, a justification for outrage, and outrage we relish and embrace.
Oh, and I am also one who doesn't recall the good old days as being all that good (or polite)!
5
I'm not going to call names but " inebriated in her own verbosity " fits.
3
For me, the quote that summarized Ms. Cusk's purpose best was this (near the end of her essay, for those who missed it):
"I, currently dismayed by the sudden ascent of rudeness in our world and wondering what it means, am betrayed into rudeness myself by a personal sensitivity to language that causes me to do the very thing I despise, which is fail to recognize another human’s individuality."
Looking back at some of the comments, just wondered if that may have also applied to the people who wrote them - I think they kind of bear out her point.
"I, currently dismayed by the sudden ascent of rudeness in our world and wondering what it means, am betrayed into rudeness myself by a personal sensitivity to language that causes me to do the very thing I despise, which is fail to recognize another human’s individuality."
Looking back at some of the comments, just wondered if that may have also applied to the people who wrote them - I think they kind of bear out her point.
10
Dear Ms. Cusk,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your perspective is particularly instructive as Brits are often considered the hallmark of civility.
I agree with you that external rudeness is likely the product of underlying malaise. In the words of psychologist Abraham Maslow, "[g]ive people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior." Additionally, the airport and the shop tend to be stressful sites for many of us.
I thought the lesson from you're narratives was to emulate your painter friend. That is, when you find yourself in one of those states - feeling bothered by a contumely or phony person - looking them into the eyes and speak calm, kind, truth. As a popular NYT article discussed, holding the fixed gaze synchronizes the pair, produces rapport, and is a crucial ingredient in love.
All the best,
Myles
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your perspective is particularly instructive as Brits are often considered the hallmark of civility.
I agree with you that external rudeness is likely the product of underlying malaise. In the words of psychologist Abraham Maslow, "[g]ive people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior." Additionally, the airport and the shop tend to be stressful sites for many of us.
I thought the lesson from you're narratives was to emulate your painter friend. That is, when you find yourself in one of those states - feeling bothered by a contumely or phony person - looking them into the eyes and speak calm, kind, truth. As a popular NYT article discussed, holding the fixed gaze synchronizes the pair, produces rapport, and is a crucial ingredient in love.
All the best,
Myles
8
This is one of the most brilliant, honest, self-reflective and well-written pieces that I have seen for a long time.
10
If she didn't think she was being rude to the airport worker and the shop clerk then she wouldn't have written about the interactions she had with them in an essay about rudeness. That's the entire point of including those anecdotes! She knows she was being rude. "This is why Trump won", "self-absorbed", "condescending", comments like these completely miss the point of the article. Too subtle indeed.
Introspection and self-analysis get lambasted as some kind of hit piece on the fashion choices of airport employees. Reflective of the times we live in.
This is something worth reading slowly, with care, just as it was written.
Introspection and self-analysis get lambasted as some kind of hit piece on the fashion choices of airport employees. Reflective of the times we live in.
This is something worth reading slowly, with care, just as it was written.
9
Sorry, Alex, if I missed what you believe I was supposed to see between the lines. I read the piece just as it was wriitten.
4
A distinguished law school dean once said that laws are the banks within which the river of society flows. I think one could say that with greater force about good manners.
Beyond that, taking issue with some comments in this thread, let me stress that no class, nation or region within a nation has a monopoly on either good or bad manners. Returning from long Asian trips, I met the rudest immigration officials at Montreal and Dulles airports, quite pleasant ones at Vancouver, but the most courteous folks at Honolulu and Boston. It was music to my ears when after checking my papers the officials at both Honolulu and Boston said, "Welcome home, sir."
Quite possibly, other travelers will come up with experiences contrary to mine at the same airports.
Beyond that, taking issue with some comments in this thread, let me stress that no class, nation or region within a nation has a monopoly on either good or bad manners. Returning from long Asian trips, I met the rudest immigration officials at Montreal and Dulles airports, quite pleasant ones at Vancouver, but the most courteous folks at Honolulu and Boston. It was music to my ears when after checking my papers the officials at both Honolulu and Boston said, "Welcome home, sir."
Quite possibly, other travelers will come up with experiences contrary to mine at the same airports.
2
Self-reflection is the engine of growth and development. When we have the ability to " observe" our role in interactions and the result we have an opportunity to change not only our behavior but to influence others in changing their's. It's how you feel when the interaction ends, that lays own the beginning of the next interaction. Or, as Dr. Phil is want to say " How's it working for you?
Brilliant. Thank you to the author.
3
I'm so glad this article was printed. For a long time I've wondered when did being polite, turn into being politically correct? My parents taught and showed me good manners way before I knew anything about politics. I appreciate civilized society and applaud polite parents in public teaching their children manners. Discretion, discernment and discrimination are also helpful tools when you're on the threshold of a confrontation. Rachel's painter friend did just that.
A loving sense of humor also is always helpful too, especially when it comes to rat du jour. We are all in this together.
A loving sense of humor also is always helpful too, especially when it comes to rat du jour. We are all in this together.
3
A new app is needed whereby you could just walk past somebody and the phone would say "Hello". Then you were polite but didn't have to interact with anybody. Hey....don't steal my idea!
6
This essay makes me think about ego, in a Nietzche way. Perhaps there is a balance between feeling good about oneself and demeaning others? If you are not a very good person the demeaning others inflates your self worth. Where as, if you are a good person there is no harm in lifting others up.
4
Extraordinary really, the sharply divergent reactions to this essay. I found it to be ruthlessly self-honest, a good thing.
The passage so many had strongest issue with, about the attire of the rude line-director contrasted with her own, was about class distinction - something brought into sharp focus in air travel. The author was relating with brutal honesty a harsh self-critique after the fact. The guy was trying to manufacture self-esteem from his minimal authority and being a total creep. How will he ever know that unless someone tells him?
Fine, perceptive writing, enjoyed it all the way through.
The passage so many had strongest issue with, about the attire of the rude line-director contrasted with her own, was about class distinction - something brought into sharp focus in air travel. The author was relating with brutal honesty a harsh self-critique after the fact. The guy was trying to manufacture self-esteem from his minimal authority and being a total creep. How will he ever know that unless someone tells him?
Fine, perceptive writing, enjoyed it all the way through.
9
"The guy was trying to manufacture self-esteem from his minimal authority and being a total creep. How will he ever know that unless someone tells him?"
The author could have led off by asking him if he was having a bad day. Instead, she chose to ascend to her pulpit with some remarkably self-absorbed preaching (in return for a check from The New York Times).
The author could have led off by asking him if he was having a bad day. Instead, she chose to ascend to her pulpit with some remarkably self-absorbed preaching (in return for a check from The New York Times).
2
I found this to be thoughtful, thought provoking, and very well written. Thank you.
3
What an incredible lack of empathy and compassion you exhibit, Ms. Cusk. The piece was difficult to read, from beginning to end. Any constructive commentary on the rise of rudeness and what it means to be polite was completely lost by the author's mean-spirited comments on anyone she deems lesser than her.
Of the airport official, she emphasizes the man's "physical ugliness" and criticizes his uniform, as if the cheap material is personally affronting to her, and as if he has some control over what the airline requires him to wear. In the same breath, she shows clear contempt for anyone in customer service positions, as she writes with disdain of the "lack of authority" possessed by bus drivers and car-rental desk workers, as if their positions mark them as morally inferior and are indicative of their worth as human beings.
Of a second airport employee, Ms. Cusk writes, "She looks unhealthy, her face covered with sore-looking red spots, her shapeless white body almost writhing with its own anger, as though it wishes only to transgress its boundaries, to escape itself in an act of brutality." The cruelty of this description of a stranger whom the author knows nothing about has me almost in tears. It is the ugliness of the author that imperils society, not the woman with sores on her face who likely faces public ostracism every single day.
Her treatment of those she deems below her is abhorrent, and thus her attempt at self-reflection by the end is irredeemable.
Of the airport official, she emphasizes the man's "physical ugliness" and criticizes his uniform, as if the cheap material is personally affronting to her, and as if he has some control over what the airline requires him to wear. In the same breath, she shows clear contempt for anyone in customer service positions, as she writes with disdain of the "lack of authority" possessed by bus drivers and car-rental desk workers, as if their positions mark them as morally inferior and are indicative of their worth as human beings.
Of a second airport employee, Ms. Cusk writes, "She looks unhealthy, her face covered with sore-looking red spots, her shapeless white body almost writhing with its own anger, as though it wishes only to transgress its boundaries, to escape itself in an act of brutality." The cruelty of this description of a stranger whom the author knows nothing about has me almost in tears. It is the ugliness of the author that imperils society, not the woman with sores on her face who likely faces public ostracism every single day.
Her treatment of those she deems below her is abhorrent, and thus her attempt at self-reflection by the end is irredeemable.
14
Brilliant.
Thank you.
Thank you.
1
I love this essay.
I wonder whether anyone has researched the relationship between manners and taste (or aesthetics, if you will), and if so, whether any correlation has been found. And further to that, whether there has been a societal shift in the last 100 years in their distribution among various socio-economic classes.
Was there ever a time when those who were considered impoverished nonetheless were possessed of decent manners? And those who weren't were simply criminals? Or is this too simplistic?
Must read again. And then begin my research. Thank you!
I wonder whether anyone has researched the relationship between manners and taste (or aesthetics, if you will), and if so, whether any correlation has been found. And further to that, whether there has been a societal shift in the last 100 years in their distribution among various socio-economic classes.
Was there ever a time when those who were considered impoverished nonetheless were possessed of decent manners? And those who weren't were simply criminals? Or is this too simplistic?
Must read again. And then begin my research. Thank you!
I find myself being less polite these days. There was a time when I would never have hung up on a telemarketer. I would have listened and said, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested." These days I just hang up. I'm still polite to wrong numbers, however.
3
Telemarketers who do cold calls expect to be hung up on; it comes with the territory. I'd rather have someone wordlessly put down the phone than have to listen to an unwarranted and disproportionate harangue of cursing for daring to dial that unseen party's phone number.
1
The checking in at the airport has become very confusing for all concerned, both the security guards and the passengers. In the USA you can get a TSA pass which you have to apply for in advance of travel and pay an extra fee. It is well worth it. You can then bypass the checking.
Apart from airports there are now too many places where there a too few people employed to work at the job of directing and/or checking people. This is done to save money on labor costs, but it also results in the staff feeling overwhelmed and harassed and annoyed that the passengers don't check the regulations before they arrive at the airport! There is also an effective but old saying "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar".
Apart from airports there are now too many places where there a too few people employed to work at the job of directing and/or checking people. This is done to save money on labor costs, but it also results in the staff feeling overwhelmed and harassed and annoyed that the passengers don't check the regulations before they arrive at the airport! There is also an effective but old saying "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar".
5
Two points; the salesperson likely earns commission on sales. you were impacting her livelihood. Second, even a fortunate British person should have some understanding of the pervasive class system and its dreadful impact. I agree with others; empathy and honey can get you further than criticism and disrespect. Good manners and courtesy soften even the harshest communications; while they cut each other off at the knees, MPs refer to "the Honorable Member". It becomes possible to continue dialogue which is essential for progress.
2
I add, lest my comment on new rich vs. aristocrats be misunderstood, that good manners, etiquette, can be practiced by the financially poorest among us: Do unto others as you would be done by.
3
Fifty-eight years ago, a friend of the woman who has been my wife ever since, accused me (with no little justification) of being "intoxicated with my own verbosity." The same indictment can be leveled at Ms. Cusk, who seems unable to distinguish between the world and the words she chooses to describe it. I suspect her father knew whereof he spoke.
5
I liked this piece and disagree with a lot of comments here. I understand what the author was getting at.
Shortly after Trump's victory last year, my husband and I were walking our dog, but ran out of bags to clean up after our pet. "It's Trump's America now, we don't need to clean it up," my husband joked.
The point is clear. Only individual acts of kindness can save us in the wake of a Trump presidency that seethes rudeness and anger at every turn.
We got another bag, walked back and cleaned up.
Shortly after Trump's victory last year, my husband and I were walking our dog, but ran out of bags to clean up after our pet. "It's Trump's America now, we don't need to clean it up," my husband joked.
The point is clear. Only individual acts of kindness can save us in the wake of a Trump presidency that seethes rudeness and anger at every turn.
We got another bag, walked back and cleaned up.
2
Manners and graciousness are the ability to make others feel comfortable. It's not pointing out injustices or mistakes. So what do we call the finger waggers? I struggle with this trait as well. Are we necessary, do we serve a purpose? Does our finger wagging only serve to satisfy our own sense of justice. I don't know.
4
Thank you for writing this piece. For some reason, I find myself in tears and exhaling sadly, loudly . . . Hopelessness? I think Civility may just be the glue of Civilization and I am grieving . . . I have been rude . . . Babies are not born rude- something happens to us.
Perhaps these are issues of Power and Powerlessness, as the author asserts.
I've wondered for years what our country and society would be if Rude, Capitalism didn't always determine life's meaningful goals. Too many people get stuck in dead-end roles, losing hope, grasping for whatever power they can . . .
Then, we clash with one another instead of fighting the beast together;
United we stand, Divided we beg.
Perhaps these are issues of Power and Powerlessness, as the author asserts.
I've wondered for years what our country and society would be if Rude, Capitalism didn't always determine life's meaningful goals. Too many people get stuck in dead-end roles, losing hope, grasping for whatever power they can . . .
Then, we clash with one another instead of fighting the beast together;
United we stand, Divided we beg.
1
Babies are not born rude? What planet do you live on? (You might change your mind if you're seated within 5 rows of a baby next time you're on a plane.)
Very interesting start to a critical question of the day.
Which is how we respect perspective : yours, mine, theirs, his, hers, etc. …….
However, it seems credibility and proper "navigation" requires that any reader's contemplation and action should be coupled by the author's action of picking up the telephone, or even perhaps knocking on the door, to engage a polite dialogue with Mom & Dad.
The daughters, and sons, of the world would be best served.
Great perspective and thought (hopefully an action) piece, thank you.
Which is how we respect perspective : yours, mine, theirs, his, hers, etc. …….
However, it seems credibility and proper "navigation" requires that any reader's contemplation and action should be coupled by the author's action of picking up the telephone, or even perhaps knocking on the door, to engage a polite dialogue with Mom & Dad.
The daughters, and sons, of the world would be best served.
Great perspective and thought (hopefully an action) piece, thank you.
1
This was troubling. Try giving politeness (versus commanding it) and you might get it back. Maybe we'd all take unkindly to a successful person like this author acting like a judgmental elite? No wonder that "In recounting this incident afterward, I find myself running into difficulties" and it's understandable. She was judging the rude man instead of truly trying to correct him. Why make the demeaning sartorial judgments of his uniform? What are we to take, make of the comment " I have watched the obsessive way he notices them, to pick on them." I am guilty of the same actions, and am learning that asking for politeness actually works. Not demanding it. Try asking and do it as you expect to be treated: "Dear Sir, is it possible some people find your instructions are being expressed as orders and might you not speak to us all in a more polite way?" Amazing what firm and well intended words can do. Sometimes not, but at least we may not be making things worse....
Interesting idea, and it tends to show how just saying someone is rude can be rudeness in itself. But is there really something different that could be said that wouldn't come across the same way as saying the person was being rude? Perhaps acknowledging the difficulty of the job, and one's own sensitivity, or something to diffuse the implied criticism, might work.
1
What of compassion? Straight up. For everyone. Eye contact, directly, quietly, connects with the soul, with each other.
4
Excellent writing, it pulled me in, irritated me throughout, but kept me reading, I had to finish the story. It was condescending, elitist and rude, but there was a "happy " ending. It felt like a very good work of fiction.
1
People used to accuse me of being rude when I asked them to turn their phones off in movie theaters. So now I throw popcorn at them instead.
5
I also had a hard time finishing this painfully self absorbed essay. I wanted to tell the author several times to look beyond the person's outward appearance to try and empathize with what it must be like to work for low wages in a customer service job where you are often at the mercy of a customer who feels they can take their bad day out on you without cost to themselves. In reality there is a huge cost to our failure to treat others the way we would like to be treated rather than the tit for tat rudeness which seems to characterize so much of our civil discourse these days. As a mental health professional, I can tell you that it will not only make YOU feel happier if you smile at that salesperson and thank her for doing a tough job, but will make her day as well.
44
"... try and empathize with what it must be like to work for low wages..."
When she described his appearance and thought about what his job must be like, and tried to imagine how she must seem to him, that was exactly what she was doing.
When she described his appearance and thought about what his job must be like, and tried to imagine how she must seem to him, that was exactly what she was doing.
4
I think her exact point is that it grieves her that she failed to do that.
6
Unfortunately, for all her introspection, her tone never expresses any deep remorse.
3
I am not surprised how many readers were quick to stop reading after the writer described the man at the airport and felt the need to rudely judge the writer calling her snobby and whether or not the article was even valid.
If they only read on a couple of more paragraphs, they would have learned that the writer is not only discussing rudeness as a concept, but her own learned behaviors and reactions in which she analyzes throughout the essay and eventually decides to try to change within herself.
Its perfect irony that readers stopped reading after two paragraphs and judged the writer because of her admitted poor judgement of the man's physical appearance. At least the writer went on to analyze her behavior about the man a few paragraphs later, how wrong it was and attempts to change her mind set.
Will the readers who didn't fully inform themselves by reading the full essay who cast the same judgement on the writer change their behaviors?
It was a good read and thoughtful analyzation of the issue of rudeness.
If they only read on a couple of more paragraphs, they would have learned that the writer is not only discussing rudeness as a concept, but her own learned behaviors and reactions in which she analyzes throughout the essay and eventually decides to try to change within herself.
Its perfect irony that readers stopped reading after two paragraphs and judged the writer because of her admitted poor judgement of the man's physical appearance. At least the writer went on to analyze her behavior about the man a few paragraphs later, how wrong it was and attempts to change her mind set.
Will the readers who didn't fully inform themselves by reading the full essay who cast the same judgement on the writer change their behaviors?
It was a good read and thoughtful analyzation of the issue of rudeness.
159
She never acknowledges the equal humanity of the man she denigrates; she merely regrets that she's "given the man a platform for his point of view," and that "the story doesn't work out as it should." She transforms herself from a mere snob to a snob with guilt.
She watches injustice with disdain, but fails to intervene (with the black woman) when she might alleviate the situation -- or to acknowledge to the store clerk that the harassment she experiences is merely the result of the clerk being expected to follow her boss's script.
Each of these situations calls for a bit of creativity, of engagement, of humanity -- but in the end, the author sees all this merely as a failure of ritual, and vows to be (even more) polite. That's the very definition of a snob!
She watches injustice with disdain, but fails to intervene (with the black woman) when she might alleviate the situation -- or to acknowledge to the store clerk that the harassment she experiences is merely the result of the clerk being expected to follow her boss's script.
Each of these situations calls for a bit of creativity, of engagement, of humanity -- but in the end, the author sees all this merely as a failure of ritual, and vows to be (even more) polite. That's the very definition of a snob!
4
Good post!
The issue is; introspection. The author does it, and the people who left the show early, missed it. No one is immune from being rude...we're all rude some of the time, just in - as the author points out - many different ways. Some obvious, most not. The regularly and most proficient at being rude, rarely see their own rudeness, but are usually very alert to, and overly outspoken about others being rude to them. Its that, "I'm most sensitive to things in others, that I am most prone to in myself" psychology. It hints at introspection but its not.
Introspection is a lost art these days as people shrink their exposure to conflicting opinions. Which includes the current push by many to not allow "strangers" into their strange lands. Introspection takes time, and currently most people believe they dont have time for anything outside their little electronically driven world. Introspection also take effort, which again people feel they dont need to do as long as their electronic world allows them to not make real efforts - especially with others. An Emoji message or a Snapchat about Me, is all others need from me.
Introspection is now even absent from its main proponents - Religious practice. Introspection used to be their main message, to look deep and evaluate and eliminate the obsession with Self, so to be a better actor in the World. No more. Now Religious practice is about telling others How To - everything! Its about being right all the time, about everything.
The issue is; introspection. The author does it, and the people who left the show early, missed it. No one is immune from being rude...we're all rude some of the time, just in - as the author points out - many different ways. Some obvious, most not. The regularly and most proficient at being rude, rarely see their own rudeness, but are usually very alert to, and overly outspoken about others being rude to them. Its that, "I'm most sensitive to things in others, that I am most prone to in myself" psychology. It hints at introspection but its not.
Introspection is a lost art these days as people shrink their exposure to conflicting opinions. Which includes the current push by many to not allow "strangers" into their strange lands. Introspection takes time, and currently most people believe they dont have time for anything outside their little electronically driven world. Introspection also take effort, which again people feel they dont need to do as long as their electronic world allows them to not make real efforts - especially with others. An Emoji message or a Snapchat about Me, is all others need from me.
Introspection is now even absent from its main proponents - Religious practice. Introspection used to be their main message, to look deep and evaluate and eliminate the obsession with Self, so to be a better actor in the World. No more. Now Religious practice is about telling others How To - everything! Its about being right all the time, about everything.
As condescending as her tone was, I appreciate seeing the world through other perspectives. She is by no means the only person who looks down on people considered socially inferior.
18
This essay captured my thoughts exactly. I too have pointed out rudeness only to be told I am the one who is rude. I still have no response for this. I pondered the success your painter friend had but as an over weight middle aged woman I have become invisible and of no matter to these mean spirited people. I read twitter and wonder about the haters lives. I think how miserable their existence must be to spew such obnoxious hate filled texts at people they have never met. Michelle Obama has inspired me. Now when confronted with rudeness I remember her words and go high. It isn't always effective but I don't suffer any remorse at the end my day. Recently I was seated at a table of woman business associates. They were speaking badly of new immigrants who have additional children while still on government support. I spoke up and explained that in some cultures having children is critical and explained what I had learned from volunteering. I thought I had not made any impression on my colleagues. Later a woman grabbed my arm. She told me she was impressed by my bravery. She stated that she noticed that despite the fact that no one at my table supported me I supported people who did not have a voice in my world. I learned from this that even when you think what you say or do does not seem to matter you can never truly know the effect your words have on others. Go high.
94
"I still have no response for this."
Try;
"Yeah? It takes one to know one!" Works every time. :)
Try;
"Yeah? It takes one to know one!" Works every time. :)
1
"... even when you think what you say or do does not seem to matter you can never truly know the effect your words have on others."
This is so, so true. You can bring other people up or pull them down, and you may never see it. It's important to build a habit of being positive, friendly, cheerful, polite, for just this reason.
This is so, so true. You can bring other people up or pull them down, and you may never see it. It's important to build a habit of being positive, friendly, cheerful, polite, for just this reason.
1
Boarding a Toronto plane coming into Newark I approached the US customs line and, as i was walking up the woman agent said something i did not hear. When I got there she said, quite loudly and angrily "I asked you a question!" I had not heard it, could have asked her to please not yell, be polite, something but I realized that, being in US Customs, there was certainly something she could do to make me miserable so I made a quick decision and apologized, told her I had hearing issues, please speak up. I then made her repeat pretty much everything she said to me at least once, her face getting redder and redder until she was only too happy to get me through. There are various ways to deal with the new lack of civility, get creative.
55
Yes, get creative. It can involve the good old, kill 'em with kindness theme. Or you can apologize profusely for not having been ready to immediately please the offender.
When the rudeness is coming say from a customer service person, I like to keep them occupied by being the absolute stupidest person they have ever met. Have them explain things several times, redo a transaction, change my mind in the middle of it...go off on a tangent...really stupid-it-up....
When the rudeness is coming say from a customer service person, I like to keep them occupied by being the absolute stupidest person they have ever met. Have them explain things several times, redo a transaction, change my mind in the middle of it...go off on a tangent...really stupid-it-up....
1
I've found that politeness can be a great weapon in a tough situation. I once inadvertently cut off a car while driving (we were approaching a stop light so they were not really inconvenienced.) The other car pulled up beside me and the two young men inside were screaming and swearing and making obscene gestures. I rolled down my window and waved, smiling, and said, "Say hi to your mom!" They were immediately silent. Extreme politeness towards authority figures--employees at the DMV, airlines, post office, and other bureaucracies--has usually helped me.
1
Such a complete lack of empathy for airport security workers. The powers that be have invented an impossible job, sort of like Lucy on the pie assembly line. You can do everything right 99.9 % of the time but face extreme criticism if you mess up at the wrong time. Then offer low pay and should you be surprised with the skill level of your typical worker?
I am not making excuses for rudeness but your station in life no longer insulates you to the chaos of modern life.
I am not making excuses for rudeness but your station in life no longer insulates you to the chaos of modern life.
17
A nuanced piece in which the rudeness of the airport clerk in her cheap shirt reflects on the speaker who ponders both the immediate situation and the larger, magnified world of Brexit and Trumpism. The class divide and reaction is no where clearer than with her parents who represent the under-educated class, who don't get their very own daughter who does understand, though she may resent, what's going on. Her travel partner in recognizing the humanity of the rude inspection officer by looking directly at her is really what this piece is about: looking into the eyes of each other, truly seeing the other. Cusk allows us to see her prejudices -- and ours -- as she struggles with the liberal values she believes in and the rudeness she encounters.
47
I think you missed her point in this encounter. For me, she was conveying the dynamics of class and gender. Her friend was not being compassionate simply using his status to intimidate and shame in a very subtle and obviously confusing manner. No one comes out looking good.
1
I think you're right: there's something to be learned from the painter travel-partner.
1
The author of this piece uses language brilliantly, she dazzles with lines such as "I think about clothes, their strange promise, the way their problems so resemble the problems of love," as well as several others that are showstoppers. Lines like these hatch in the minds of her readers, though the chick and spores they produce may not be what was in her mind as she wrote them. Yet she also documents the frustration of her listeners NOT accepting the truth of her words, words so carefully crafted to reach or at least aspire to truth. The shopkeeper is offended that her polite nothings are rebuked, her parents no longer speak with her. Fixated on one idea of what language must do, she is tone deaf to the more basic function of language which is to communicate, to commune. The author, like many who isolate themselves by and through their words, is too proud of her verbal gifts, her linguistic excellence, let herself respond with words selected merely to harmonize. Banter is never more than pretty, never reaching the beauty of some of this writer's prose, yet it may be the very music that this angry world needs most.
35
You must have flown into a Northeast US airport after all rudeness is common when one visits places like New York City, but fly into Atlanta Georgia when returning to the US and you will experience true Southern Hospitality. The staff handling international travels does a great job they do with great class.
19
I used to subscribe to that "Southern Hospitality and friendly Midwesterner" hype. Given whom these people elected- the King of Rudeness who was made incivility a and insulting a sport, I will take a direct Northeasterner anytime.
I, too, have been impressed with the grace and helpfulness of the various staff at the Atlanta airport. Plus, they keep things moving!
I'm originally from Boston. I moved to California many years ago. Since then I've traveled back to Boston and New York hundreds of times. My interactions with Airport personnel, with the exception of some airline customer service people, have been overwhelmingly positive. I've had people at Logan go out of their way to help me. Its mystifying to me as to why this stereotype persists. Maybe it's that you get what you give. If you expect rudeness, that's what you see. One of the few times I've experienced excessive rudeness was at the airport in San Francisco when the body scanners were first coming into use. I asked to be hand patted. I said something like, "you don't need to be rude", and was sneered at and told that I was being rude. I just let it go because the guy was obvious in his annoyance at my request.
She's not a perfect person and she's owning her poor/weak behavior which she, too, falls to in an imperfect world. She's presenting her own personal bias revealing taht she often falls short in this world in being a better person. I see it as truthful and it makes one think of one's own behavior in similar situations.
35
I would love to know what she said to her father that led to his response but, after reading this, Im sure he is correct.
16
I think she said that Anne Smith is a polite person, capable of reading something brilliant and commenting on it intelligently.
And her father was right.
And her father was right.
2
My thoughts exactly!
I think her father probably thought of her as one who could not think beyond herself, for the good of the whole. Much like the typically self involved teenage girl that never quite grew out of it. Her inability to grow into a world view where she was not at the center made her continual lamenting turn dark, depressive and increasingly self centered as she grew older.
Although I somewhat like her style, it is at times verbose and the whining is almost at the intolerable point.
I hope someday she is be able to grow emotionally into the mature world view she should have, as opposed to the incessant self examination she currently spends so much time on. Maybe if she spent a little more time focusing on someone else then herself unless you might make some progress
I like this article less and less the more I talk about it as it reminds me more and more of the seemingly incompetent, ineffectual, maladjusted individuals that occupy the coast I reside on.
Ugh, it is tiring.
I think her father probably thought of her as one who could not think beyond herself, for the good of the whole. Much like the typically self involved teenage girl that never quite grew out of it. Her inability to grow into a world view where she was not at the center made her continual lamenting turn dark, depressive and increasingly self centered as she grew older.
Although I somewhat like her style, it is at times verbose and the whining is almost at the intolerable point.
I hope someday she is be able to grow emotionally into the mature world view she should have, as opposed to the incessant self examination she currently spends so much time on. Maybe if she spent a little more time focusing on someone else then herself unless you might make some progress
I like this article less and less the more I talk about it as it reminds me more and more of the seemingly incompetent, ineffectual, maladjusted individuals that occupy the coast I reside on.
Ugh, it is tiring.
1
We Southern aristocrats had a saying, before political correctness deemed us elitist, that rude people were "common," and the first sign of good breeding was politeness. We distinguished between the "new rich" who practiced conspicuous consumption and those who did not flaunt their largesse. Donald Trump and his ilk are undignified, common and vulgar, in dress, speech, habitat. Had he ever expressed (in his vulgar way) interest in dating one of my daughters, I would have said, "My dear, he is common, beneath you, just say no, politely, of course."
64
True, "Donald Trump and his ilk are undignified, common and vulgar." That's the basis of his legitimate appeal -- an appeal he shares with Bernie Sanders (who could never marry Anne's daughter or join her country club, for similar reasons).
The problem is Trump's arrogance, his betrayal of those to whose legitimate grievances he's appealed. Shame on those who think the trouble with Trump is merely that he's brash! Arrogance is arrogance, and it's even more insidious when coupled with the pretensions of the genteel!
The problem is Trump's arrogance, his betrayal of those to whose legitimate grievances he's appealed. Shame on those who think the trouble with Trump is merely that he's brash! Arrogance is arrogance, and it's even more insidious when coupled with the pretensions of the genteel!
I agree re Trump, except it's much worse than you say...he's a socioopath, malignant narcissist, unstable, mentally ill. Yes, insidious. However, Bernie Sanders would be welcome in my family, despite his Brooklyn accent. We do not discriminate based on religion/ethnicity. We discriminate based on decency, and Bernie is a very decent guy.
3
Touché!
I wanted Rachel Cusk to know what happened to a cheap polyester shirt wearing probably VERY rude TSA security guard in my home state of Hawai’i.
Yes this man who was probably over-worked and probably rude at times kept a maniac from rushing a plane. Yes this man in cheap pants put his life on the line when he tried to stop a man racing through security at the Honolulu Airport and suffered serious head injuries.
Oh I HOPE he was mannerly to this out of control man! For that is ALL that seems to be important to the author.
This security agent is a neighbor--I hope to God he lives! But Ms. Cusk wouldn’t care one bit about this man.
http://www.staradvertiser.com/2017/02/18/breaking-news/man-who-breached-...
Yes this man who was probably over-worked and probably rude at times kept a maniac from rushing a plane. Yes this man in cheap pants put his life on the line when he tried to stop a man racing through security at the Honolulu Airport and suffered serious head injuries.
Oh I HOPE he was mannerly to this out of control man! For that is ALL that seems to be important to the author.
This security agent is a neighbor--I hope to God he lives! But Ms. Cusk wouldn’t care one bit about this man.
http://www.staradvertiser.com/2017/02/18/breaking-news/man-who-breached-...
11
She describes one security officer. Obviously she was not talking about your neighbor. Maybe your neighbor is one of those who recognizes the importance of his job without using it as an outlet to make others feel bad, while making himself feel good. If you travel enough you meet each character this author describes.
2
"But Ms. Cusk wouldn't care one bit about this man."
Thanks for such an excellent example of pointlessly rude behavior, motivated by your own lack of knowledge about the author as a person. Your comment is a perfect example of what she's talking about.
Thanks for such an excellent example of pointlessly rude behavior, motivated by your own lack of knowledge about the author as a person. Your comment is a perfect example of what she's talking about.
3
There is nothing in this article to indicate that Ms. Cusk would respond to your story in any way that any other decent human being would.
1
The author explores an hypothesis that seems plausible: "Perhaps they have lived lives in which they have been continually outplayed in the field of articulation, but of this new skill — rudeness — they find that they are the masters."
23
This is an excellent piece of writing. Honest and accurate. Language is something we take for granted and the length and detail to which the author discusses its power and effect is appropriate. The topic deserves it. I was surprised just how closely the Brexit situation mirrors what is happening in the US at the moment. Worth the time to finish the whole thing.
34
Mme Price - Bayonne, France
You comment about The Age of Rudeness article, saying, "Worth the time to finish the whole thing".
More proof that my fellow U.S. citizens begin to chafe if articles are longer than "tweet-length".
You comment about The Age of Rudeness article, saying, "Worth the time to finish the whole thing".
More proof that my fellow U.S. citizens begin to chafe if articles are longer than "tweet-length".
So many comments suggest the person did not read the entire article. The points and tone wend about and deserve to be considered from various angles as the author has. She does not seek validation but for her readers to consider the day to day experience.
21
Right down to her final vow of politeness, she repeatedly seeks some means of self-validation and absolution. Not once does she offer the reader a sense of her embarrassment or remorse -- let alone of any humility, or of a true desire to engage with those she (still) considers beneath her.
Very briiliant and subtle writing, much too subtle for most of the crowd here I'm afraid. Very sorry abut your parents.
47
Sorry, "subtlety" doesn't obligate the reader to credit the (self-absorbed) author with unstated remorse.
I also liked your article. It made me reflect upon my own beliefs about how we are to treat one another; and on how I expect to be treated, especially by those closest to me.
I, too, feel sorry for your parents. It isn't my place to guide you in this. I don't have enough information about the relationship, nor have you asked me for my opinion. So I can only hope for your parents' sake, and for yours as well, that you will be able to re-read your article where you might see the answer right in front of you. Kind of like you did after reflecting upon how you could have acted differently with the man in the airport and the clothing store clerk.
In writing this, a vision of someone who seemed to be your mother came to mind. And she looked a lot like the clerk after you rejected her more limited form of expression. She looked sad, older, with frown lines around her mouth.
I, too, feel sorry for your parents. It isn't my place to guide you in this. I don't have enough information about the relationship, nor have you asked me for my opinion. So I can only hope for your parents' sake, and for yours as well, that you will be able to re-read your article where you might see the answer right in front of you. Kind of like you did after reflecting upon how you could have acted differently with the man in the airport and the clothing store clerk.
In writing this, a vision of someone who seemed to be your mother came to mind. And she looked a lot like the clerk after you rejected her more limited form of expression. She looked sad, older, with frown lines around her mouth.
The rudeness of airport 'security' officials is legendary.Becasue the passenger has no obvious recourse and the 'official' can accuse you of just about anything and delay you and help you miss your flight, most of us put with it.What is extraordinary the the belligerence and disrespect shown by some of these (and in my experience often women) people. that fact they they are for the most part poorly educated and inarticulate which makes them compensate by redoubled aggression and rudeness. Someone needs to look into the standards for hiring these people whether in the US or at Heathrow. It makes travelling most disagreeable. And adds to general rudeness everywhere.
15
Have you ever thought that maybe 'passengers' are the thoughtless and inarticulate ones? I mean, there are way more of them at any given time right? I would say that on average, you see employees lose their tact when illiterate (or passive aggressive) passengers break really obvious rules.
Science, from way back Skinner to high dollar modern advertising, shows that behavior can be molded and influenced.
When we teach a dog to sit, we don't say 'Please, sit'.
Effective speech may sometimes have less frills, rather than worry whether it is somehow less polite perhaps the focus should be on what sort of speech is more effective and influential in a particular situation.
When we teach a dog to sit, we don't say 'Please, sit'.
Effective speech may sometimes have less frills, rather than worry whether it is somehow less polite perhaps the focus should be on what sort of speech is more effective and influential in a particular situation.
3
To many who found her comments about the airport worker snobbish, I have to offer up a defense for her. I find a remarkable change in the attitude of airport workers when I get to the other side of customs. It's bullying plain and simple. We can detain you and throw you out for any or no reason and we know you don't want to mess with us. Absolute scum like behavior. There. Authentic enough for you?
26
Try this: there are probably like 10 signs and 3 people telling you what not to do at the checkpoint. It's obvious anyone in line notices these, since the line moves along slowly. People ignore these anyway. Waste their own time. Waste others' time. What those people do is an act of passive aggression if I ever saw one.
The world is what it is, and life itself is rude, so it is best to not take it personally. Now, having said that, the author's tone and concerns remind me of a lover I once had; polite to a fault, but utterly willing to run you over if you got in her way.
11
B
Absorbed this piece, not just read it. Fascinated with the uptick in USA incivility, reading nearly any work on it. This essay one of the deepest. I'll refer it to others, wish this writer offered a book of essays!
My take on one possible solution: mediation skills.
As a liberal coming from an authoritarian right-wing family, my only communication skills were confrontation and aggression. I could not communicate anger safely so I became passive-aggressive. It wasn't until I entered college late in life that I took communication courses and fascinated, learned all I could, eventually discovering mediation, then becoming a mediator myself. The skill set runs the gamut from anger management to critical thinking. I never have to be rude (aggressively angry) now-- before I had no other choice because I just didn't know how else to communicate!
If interested I'd suggest reading from The Harvard Negotiation project and taking it from there.
Otherwise my thanks to the author for an excellent piece!
Absorbed this piece, not just read it. Fascinated with the uptick in USA incivility, reading nearly any work on it. This essay one of the deepest. I'll refer it to others, wish this writer offered a book of essays!
My take on one possible solution: mediation skills.
As a liberal coming from an authoritarian right-wing family, my only communication skills were confrontation and aggression. I could not communicate anger safely so I became passive-aggressive. It wasn't until I entered college late in life that I took communication courses and fascinated, learned all I could, eventually discovering mediation, then becoming a mediator myself. The skill set runs the gamut from anger management to critical thinking. I never have to be rude (aggressively angry) now-- before I had no other choice because I just didn't know how else to communicate!
If interested I'd suggest reading from The Harvard Negotiation project and taking it from there.
Otherwise my thanks to the author for an excellent piece!
29
"The man is wearing a uniform, though not a very impressive one: a white short-sleeved synthetic shirt, black synthetic trousers, a cheap tie with the airport’s insignia on it. It is no different from the uniform a bus driver might wear, or someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority . . ."
And you wonder -- still you wonder! -- why Trump won.
And you wonder -- still you wonder! -- why Trump won.
21
The point about the uniform is that it confers on this man a special authority over thousands of people who have to travel. He's in a position of power and there are no consequences to his rudeness.
Contrast this with average Time Warner Customer Service employee whom you might be rude to but who has to be unerringly polite to you because they're not in a position of power over you. you can get rid of your cable but you can't not take your flight.
she's not being condescending about the uniform, she's just noting that even a cheap uniform in that position confers authority
Contrast this with average Time Warner Customer Service employee whom you might be rude to but who has to be unerringly polite to you because they're not in a position of power over you. you can get rid of your cable but you can't not take your flight.
she's not being condescending about the uniform, she's just noting that even a cheap uniform in that position confers authority
1
Not to be rude, but I'm pretty sure you're assuming some motivation on the part of the author that isn't necessarily accurate.
1
What you quote is a description of clothing, of a type of clothing provided to employees in different agencies. It is not a statement that the agent has no value. Trump insults people cruelly and viscously on an hourly basis without a literary and descriptive rationale to provide context. There's a big difference. A big difference.
1
" He looks at me — a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led — with loathing. "
Manipulative cheap shot.
Sorry to be rude, but I stopped reading at that point.
Manipulative cheap shot.
Sorry to be rude, but I stopped reading at that point.
39
I have done security watching thousands of people a day go by. Unless Ms. Cusk travels wearing a gigantic diamond encrusted gold crown and carries a sapphire encrusted scepter, the security guy did not think about her "privileged" life. He did not really look at her. The only person he might remember that day is some beautiful fashion model type twenty something wearing a short skirt and a tank top.
3
You know something, having to comment on how he was dressed? I stopped there too. You lost a bunch of us. Instead of approaching him with empathy you deigned to interact and that's where you went wrong. It was your motivation and attitude.
6
Excruciatingly tedious reading. Lots of snobbish observations. The subject is relevant and important, but this writer loses my attention. I do agree, however, that Hillary Clinton made a major political mistake when she called half of Trump's followers a"basket of deplorables." It was not a way to change these voters' minds. I so wish she hadn't said it.
17
I will admit to not reading the whole article (so perhaps she redeemed herself or apologised for her rudeness) but the writer lost me at the beginning with her denigrating comments about the airport employee's clothing and the comment:
"It is no different from the uniform a bus driver might wear, or someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority". How unbelievably superior an attitude.
"It is no different from the uniform a bus driver might wear, or someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority". How unbelievably superior an attitude.
44
I think that is part of the point she is making in the article.... She's struggling with what she brings to the table. How a superior attitude just amplifies a divide and encourages rudeness. It's a long read, but I thought it had a lot of truth to it.
28
She never expresses embarrassment or deep remorse over her flippant condemnation of the airport worker, though she gives us a glimpse of her navel-gazing self. That's a far cry from an apology.
1
Thank you for taking on the issue of rudeness and getting on the train to nowhere with the rest of us.
28
I served in Afghanistan with the US Army in 2012; I found that being polite and mindful of others helped me retain a sense of my humanity in a harsh place. Many people regress, and seek to humiliate each other out of stress and boredom. At the end of my tour, a sergeant told me that my kindness to her had been helpful. I'd like to think others felt similarly. I think manners can, and will, continue to have an important place for all of us, even (especially?) if we do end up eating rats and tubers.
160
My remedy for combating rudeness, kill 'me with kindness. Works every time.
33
For commenters criticizing the writers descriptions of the airline help and the shop assistant, it may be important to realize that rudeness and manners have always been tied to class.
Manners and politeness are reflections of dignity and feelings of self worth. Interestingly, they are not bestowed upon others. Rather we practice them to reassure ourselves that we are civilized.
Barbarism is the natural order of things which is why manners and courtesy appear to the barbarian to be inauthentic and "scripted". Most thinking people prefer to be civilized. It's better that way.
Manners and politeness are reflections of dignity and feelings of self worth. Interestingly, they are not bestowed upon others. Rather we practice them to reassure ourselves that we are civilized.
Barbarism is the natural order of things which is why manners and courtesy appear to the barbarian to be inauthentic and "scripted". Most thinking people prefer to be civilized. It's better that way.
37
Really? No rude upper class people? No polite workers? The writer is a self-satisfied 1%er who reveals her lack of class in her "ugly" descriptions of these rude people. The piece was obnoxious.
10
Very interesting thoughts! Especially about the appearance of being 'scripted' & therefore inauthentic. My goal is to go beyond politeness in order to 'reassure myself that we are civilized' to - honestly - finding ways of conveying respect/acceptance of the other in those difficult discussions. Things can really shift when people feel heard & respected. Lately I find myself at least ending debates with a hand shake & thanks for sharing their thoughts.
- Wishing you well!
- Wishing you well!
4
Airline "help?"
2
At the risk of sounding rude, your father was right.
21
What a thoughtful response.
1
I was dismayed that your obvious command of language does not extend to reaching out and communicating with your parents. Communication involves listening to and understanding the other party. You will miss them when they are gone. Cherish your family.
13
Jesus would have honored his father and mother.
3
I enjoyed reading the essay. The author was honest. I think some readers are missing the point that she found herself, in her pitiless observations about others' physical appearance, to be unsympathetic and unfair. I appreciate that she didn't telegraph it but left it to us, the readers, to judge, with disapproval and maybe self-recognition. And true politeness.
63
One such reader writes, "I will admit to not reading the whole article (so perhaps she redeemed herself or apologised for her rudeness)." Did he miss the point?
I read the entire article. Nowhere is there such an acknowledgment or apology; the author consistently places herself above such vulgar concerns, presenting herself as an arbiter rather than an equal. She made her point quite clearly; nothing further need be read into it.
I read the entire article. Nowhere is there such an acknowledgment or apology; the author consistently places herself above such vulgar concerns, presenting herself as an arbiter rather than an equal. She made her point quite clearly; nothing further need be read into it.
3
Ms. Cusk has written a wise and perceptive essay.
Many Congressional Republicans expect civility and politeness in response to their "rude" abuse of temporary power. The President has publicly done so as well. Their complete disregard for any criticism or challenge to their autocracy is met with abject cruelty.
Apparently with elective power the failure to understand the imminent entropy of that power escapes their comprehension. Ideological belief fills their minds with a hedonistic sense of arrogance.
Many Congressional Republicans expect civility and politeness in response to their "rude" abuse of temporary power. The President has publicly done so as well. Their complete disregard for any criticism or challenge to their autocracy is met with abject cruelty.
Apparently with elective power the failure to understand the imminent entropy of that power escapes their comprehension. Ideological belief fills their minds with a hedonistic sense of arrogance.
45
In similar situations I've made it a practice to make a comment like 'It looks like you're having a bad day' in a light tone. More often than not they'll soften noticeably.
33
An exquisite essay. I found the author's examination of everyday rudeness influenced by racism and class dynamics simply sublime. Sad that so many others did not see the poetry in these words.
156
Conflating felony murder (Jesus) and efficiency (putting the gray trays down quietly takes much more time) with actual rudeness (driving into a parking space you believe another driver was about to pull into) is bizarre. Sales clerks presume people who enter the store are seeking clothing, and may require some level of assistance, not avoiding a visit with a psychologist.
Getting this rambling convoluted article published was a rude waste of ink and readers time.
Getting this rambling convoluted article published was a rude waste of ink and readers time.
23
Although it lagged a bit here and there, overall, I enjoyed the article and the author's willingness to critique her own behavior as well as that of others. Rudeness seems to boil down to feeling overwhelming emotions, and either not being aware of how strongly one's unacknowledged feelings are dictating one's behavior, or else being aware of how badly one feels and trying to alleviate those terrible emotions by exploding into rudeness. But expressing oneself rudely never erases the bad feeling; if anything, it intensifies it. Think about how good it feels to be kind and polite, and contrast that with how ashamed or angry one continues to feel after being rude to someone. It's almost as if we use rudeness as a tool to hurt ourselves and everyone else around us. And then mostly, I wonder why everyone, regardless of class or status, seems to be so angry and/or afraid. We all seem to be suffering from some kind of mental illness.
20
Wow. Are you sure this wasn't one of her novels?
16
In Heathrow recently an older agent facilitated the security line. Never have I seen one move so smoothly. He assisted, reminded, directed with patience and calm.
Earlier in the week at my son's art show opening, a famous actor muttered sarcastic remarks about the show until he realized I was the artist's mother. On went the shiny English manners! A performance! I believe The Agent, unlike The Actor, likes himself and his work. Being polite is kindness. It comes from wellbeing.
Earlier in the week at my son's art show opening, a famous actor muttered sarcastic remarks about the show until he realized I was the artist's mother. On went the shiny English manners! A performance! I believe The Agent, unlike The Actor, likes himself and his work. Being polite is kindness. It comes from wellbeing.
31
Being polite is no substitute for being kind. Perhaps what is missing now is the compassion that gives form to our social contracts in the first place. Politeness, just for it's own sake can pack a wicked boomerang, as the author illustrates here, leaving us with nothing more than judgement for how well it has been performed. When our manners find their motives in compassion for ourselves and others they are authentic and humanizing.
97
I remember landing in Atlanta after an all night flight from Paris, less than a year after 9/11. We unexpectedly had to run get our checked baggage before getting the connecting domestic flight. We were all tired and disoriented, most not native English speakers. The security we went through was horrible, young men with dirty hair and pimply faces shouting at us to take off our shoes, literally hurling our carry-ons, strollers and everything else onto the conveyor belt.
When we got out of that piccolo inferno, I stopped one of those senior citizen volunteer greeters, a white haired Georgian lady, the epitome of Southern hospitality and gentility, and told her we would NEVER EVER come through Atlanta again, that I had never been treated so *rudely* in my life. She was mortified, embarrassed down to the core of her southern soul. At least she understood what I was talking about.
I can't say I've been treated much better in other airports, but we in fact still have never been back through Atlanta, and never will.
When we got out of that piccolo inferno, I stopped one of those senior citizen volunteer greeters, a white haired Georgian lady, the epitome of Southern hospitality and gentility, and told her we would NEVER EVER come through Atlanta again, that I had never been treated so *rudely* in my life. She was mortified, embarrassed down to the core of her southern soul. At least she understood what I was talking about.
I can't say I've been treated much better in other airports, but we in fact still have never been back through Atlanta, and never will.
24
The airport agents were no doubt underpaid and overstressed. It's 2017 and all the money goes to the top.
33
Politeness can be a glue that holds society together and provides us with comfort. It is perfectly legitimate to question rude behavior all the more so when it affects a group of human beings. Part of your airport worker's duty is to treat people politely. If they don't stand up for themselves, its legitimate for you to stand up for them . His remark that 'you are being rude' threw you because you didn't have time to think or remember you could file a complaint about him or explain that he was mistreating many people and that this was not acceptable. Finally, I am very concerned by the rise of rudeness in the US (and apparently in Europe) and the consequent lack of inter-personal trust and solidarity. Personally, I find that being polite or helpful costs nothing and is always appreciated.
25
Rachel: T
Thanks for writing this thoughtful essay.
I would urge you to make peace with your parents even if you must swallow your pride to do it. Be your own Neoptolemus. Two years ago, I had a similar experience with my adult daughter and we became estranged. With the urging of a friend, I reached out to my daughter and her fiancé to reconcile.
It is not easy to swallow your price, but necessary. You can agree to disagree, but it is better to be connected to others than to be silent and alone. One day your parents will be gone. Good Luck, Anna.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful essay.
I would urge you to make peace with your parents even if you must swallow your pride to do it. Be your own Neoptolemus. Two years ago, I had a similar experience with my adult daughter and we became estranged. With the urging of a friend, I reached out to my daughter and her fiancé to reconcile.
It is not easy to swallow your price, but necessary. You can agree to disagree, but it is better to be connected to others than to be silent and alone. One day your parents will be gone. Good Luck, Anna.
11
I opened this story with a great deal of interest, the lack of civility in day to day life is a perplexing topic and one that could do with a thoughtful analysis. Unfortunately, the below commentary left me too revolted to continue.
"The man is wearing a uniform, though not a very impressive one: a white short-sleeved synthetic shirt, black synthetic trousers, a cheap tie with the airport’s insignia on it. It is no different from the uniform a bus driver might wear, or someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority"
This statement is loaded with multiple, implied and vulgar class judgments. The fact that The author goes on to suggest that her perception of rude treatment may be attributable to his resentment of her is a telling one. To say that an individual dealing with thousands of travelers a day is harboring a special disdain for you is ludicrously self centered.
Doubtlessly it is outside of The authors experience to be approached in the midst of a hectic workday and told you are being ill-mannered, given her summary dismissal of his relevance I'm inclined to take the airport workers side.
Essentially The author is not complaining about rudeness at all, she is complaining about deference. Or put in a less kind way her complaint is with not being treated as a superior, the servant classes are not entitled to manifest behaviors she finds objectionable, after all it's not as if she's a bus driver.
"The man is wearing a uniform, though not a very impressive one: a white short-sleeved synthetic shirt, black synthetic trousers, a cheap tie with the airport’s insignia on it. It is no different from the uniform a bus driver might wear, or someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority"
This statement is loaded with multiple, implied and vulgar class judgments. The fact that The author goes on to suggest that her perception of rude treatment may be attributable to his resentment of her is a telling one. To say that an individual dealing with thousands of travelers a day is harboring a special disdain for you is ludicrously self centered.
Doubtlessly it is outside of The authors experience to be approached in the midst of a hectic workday and told you are being ill-mannered, given her summary dismissal of his relevance I'm inclined to take the airport workers side.
Essentially The author is not complaining about rudeness at all, she is complaining about deference. Or put in a less kind way her complaint is with not being treated as a superior, the servant classes are not entitled to manifest behaviors she finds objectionable, after all it's not as if she's a bus driver.
69
Your observation of the writer's snobbery--which she obviously highlighted--was the same as mine. I finished reading the piece, but it actually got worse. For myself, if you are a non-degree-bearing animal and work for a living you get my full respect and patience, but if you are a degree-bearing animal and give me any guff you get my full-litigator, totally-obnoxious, so-rude-it-takes-your-breath-away treatment I have spent 37 years of practice perfecting. I keep waiting for someone to hit me, but so far all I have gotten is a fellow lawyer who grabbed me by the throat and cocked his arm to hit me--but chickened out.
16
It has taken a lot of work for me to realize how I want to be rude to everyone. I don’t like how I have to put up with what other people are doing, deliberately it seems, to me. The only way I have to retaliate is being rude, and I delight in it.
I can see myself as not stepping up to protest against other people’s behavior. I’m good at rationalizing how I act, or don’t act. Let other people handle what happens to them.
That this is how I am going through life didn’t just happen, like a thunderstorm, and I’m soaked, and I have to get home and get everything all right again. It goes back to my earliest memories. I don’t like it at all. Don’t I have a better self?
This is a very well-written piece. I read it slowly, I saw myself, over and over and over. I thank Rachel Cusk for writing it, for giving me a chance to read it. I have been tested, I have endured. I know too much about myself. Am I lost? Can I find something to navigate by? Reading this gives me hope.
I can see myself as not stepping up to protest against other people’s behavior. I’m good at rationalizing how I act, or don’t act. Let other people handle what happens to them.
That this is how I am going through life didn’t just happen, like a thunderstorm, and I’m soaked, and I have to get home and get everything all right again. It goes back to my earliest memories. I don’t like it at all. Don’t I have a better self?
This is a very well-written piece. I read it slowly, I saw myself, over and over and over. I thank Rachel Cusk for writing it, for giving me a chance to read it. I have been tested, I have endured. I know too much about myself. Am I lost? Can I find something to navigate by? Reading this gives me hope.
14
It IS rude to tell someone they are rude. And there is no choice between truth and rudeness: ignoring the truth is an important part of good manners, and often the very best way of being rude is to tell the truth.
11
I think her father had it right.
7
I do a lot of mystery shopping. I see it as a way to be a sort of angel for service industry employees. I note as many good things that they do as I possibly can, because I know they are rewarded when I mention their positive contributions in my report. When a shopgirl offers to take my selections to the dressing room for me, I'm so grateful! Even though I know they're trained to do it, it doesn't make it any less helpful. Mystery shopping has made me much more aware of service employees, and helped me to think of them as human beings instead of just minions to do my bidding or stay out of my way, according to my mood.
6
Perhaps because you are a mystery shopper, the volume of things you encounter might make the employee more useful to you.) If an employee doesn't want to listen to you when told to be left alone, why should the person expect a positive response when they inevitably bother you again?
4
Very beautiful essay. Thoughtful, truthful. Thank you.
23
I really enjoyed how the writer disects the nature and depth of rudeness in these strange and politically divisive times, but unfortunately, I was also put off by the author's obvious generational, cultural and political biases. The writing oozes pretense and moral superiority at every turn.
We never really know what's going on inside someone when they are being rude. It's possible it is part of larger existential wave of rudeness, or it could be that someone is just having a bad day.
Perhaps we can see that "these rude people" are actually suffering internally, and perhaps, we could become active in that moment to try to relieve that suffering for them, instead of just observing it and judging it. Praying for them, and for tempering my own moral superiorty might be the only thing to do....
We never really know what's going on inside someone when they are being rude. It's possible it is part of larger existential wave of rudeness, or it could be that someone is just having a bad day.
Perhaps we can see that "these rude people" are actually suffering internally, and perhaps, we could become active in that moment to try to relieve that suffering for them, instead of just observing it and judging it. Praying for them, and for tempering my own moral superiorty might be the only thing to do....
11
Just want to second your point that "We never really know what's going on inside someone when they are being rude." Keeping that in mind is part of being civil, which isn't always easy.
2
What a bizarre confession made in the name of selling a new book. The author's staggering lack of self awareness is not a recommendation for her new novel even though I'd finished Outlook and was considering Transit. I take novels into my life to broaden my compassion and understanding for human kind. How can I fork over time and money to a novelist who lacks both?
18
Reading a book, does not broaden your compassion. You must actually be compassionate in real life to flex your compassion muscle. It seems you are projecting your own lacking of self awareness. This author demonstrated her own self awareness by pointing out her own faults. Where have you?
6
Thank you, Ms. Cusk Your thoughtfulness--your persistence past the thought where most people stop thinking--seems to be the very essence of what you advocate. Which is also to say what others have. We need to be what we wish others to be. And thoughtful is one of those things I wish others would be.
13
My My - SO many shocked opinionators. What a sad sad world we have created.
Self denigrating humor can work very well most times. It can also make a unpleasant situation almost enjoyable & costs you nothing. It works particularly well in a public situation when a bully is pounding on you.
Of course, when you happen upon someone insane who is hiding in plain sight, it can become dangerous very quickly.
Self denigrating humor can work very well most times. It can also make a unpleasant situation almost enjoyable & costs you nothing. It works particularly well in a public situation when a bully is pounding on you.
Of course, when you happen upon someone insane who is hiding in plain sight, it can become dangerous very quickly.
6
A soft answer turneth away wrath......
6
What is interesting about this piece (and others like it) is that it proves that we all are of the belief that society has turned angry, rude and that we all feel on some level that this is a harbinger of something bad.
Yet despite this general consensus, most people expect others to change as opposed to looking within ourselves to see how we may be contributing to the problem.
It is easy to put all the blame on the mythic other person or political party or whomever. However, to look within ourselves and be real blunt about our own rudeness and then vow to do something about it is a heroic act because it is so rare.
What makes democracy great is that it gives voice to the people. Maybe all this political chaos is an opportunity for us to voice what we feel but to actual live what we believe.
Yet despite this general consensus, most people expect others to change as opposed to looking within ourselves to see how we may be contributing to the problem.
It is easy to put all the blame on the mythic other person or political party or whomever. However, to look within ourselves and be real blunt about our own rudeness and then vow to do something about it is a heroic act because it is so rare.
What makes democracy great is that it gives voice to the people. Maybe all this political chaos is an opportunity for us to voice what we feel but to actual live what we believe.
5
Very thought-provoking article.
I have 2 points to make.
It has been my experience that writers analyze both their own actions and those of others. It can come across as being self-centered, but is often only self-analytical...that's why they are writers.
Also, this current practice of 'scripting', while helpful in certain situations, can isolate us from one another, taking from us the opportunity to truly connect with others.
I have 2 points to make.
It has been my experience that writers analyze both their own actions and those of others. It can come across as being self-centered, but is often only self-analytical...that's why they are writers.
Also, this current practice of 'scripting', while helpful in certain situations, can isolate us from one another, taking from us the opportunity to truly connect with others.
7
In the time it takes a liberal elite to savor the existential ambiguities in such a finely wrought piece, the right-wing thugs have repealed another civil right. Never take a homily to a knife fight.
19
Deep introspection and empathy are the wells from which some of the best humanist essayists draw their work. They exist to inform about the sharpening of blades, not weild them in battle themselves.
6
This has really become noticeable since Trump ran for the presidency.
10
The rudest people I have ever encountered, anywhere and in any circumstance, have been fellow travelers at airports and aboard planes, not the airline and security personnel who have to endure angry travelers every working day. The stresses of travel bring out the worst in people, especially the jerks of this world. To paraphrase the biblical misquote: God must have loved jerks, He made so many of them.
I lost interest in this article after the second example cited by the author. Writing can sometimes succeed as a form of self-examination but there are no deep thoughts in this article.
I lost interest in this article after the second example cited by the author. Writing can sometimes succeed as a form of self-examination but there are no deep thoughts in this article.
17
I think the article had a transition problem mid-article when she switched from describing situations where she encountered rudeness to her musings that were not quite as well focused.
I'm more than willing to read long articles, but it helps if they hold there theme together throughout.
I'm more than willing to read long articles, but it helps if they hold there theme together throughout.
3
Brilliant writing, I'm grateful to read another person's reflection with honesty seldom encountered in my perusal of daily reading.
25
Both of our beloved countries caught in this ugly place. This description fits us, the United States, so well you would think it was written here: "They are keen to end the argument, to quit the field of language where only the headachy prospect of detailed analysis remains, to take their dubious verbal victory and run for the hills. They have a blunt phrase they use in the hope of its being the last word, and it is characteristically rude: 'You lost. Get over it.' " That said, I still believe that liberty and justice for all will prevail.
12
I found this to be a well-written, honest, thought-provoking piece. Readers who were terribly offended and jumped ship at the mention of the uniformed worker's "synthetic shirt" and "cheap tie" missed out on an informative read. Sometimes you need to spend longer than 60 seconds on something to let it do its thing.
I don't know the author, but trusted her to take me somewhere. Nobody is perfect. We all are a little rude sometimes. Ms. Cusk's willingness to share a couple of personal moments of what can be called moral imperfection made me want to stick with her. She has sin, and she is casting a stone. Both the pot and the kettle are black. Otherwise it would have been preachy.
Well done.
I don't know the author, but trusted her to take me somewhere. Nobody is perfect. We all are a little rude sometimes. Ms. Cusk's willingness to share a couple of personal moments of what can be called moral imperfection made me want to stick with her. She has sin, and she is casting a stone. Both the pot and the kettle are black. Otherwise it would have been preachy.
Well done.
76
My thoughts too. It would be great to have more of these discussions - that is if we want to get to a better place. Sad that so many stopped reading and missed the essence of the essay.
1
Wow, a truly brilliant essay on a difficult topic. As the comments prove, when an author reveals truths about being in the world (especially is said author is a woman) she is judged and belittled for her honesty and her (self-admitted!) mistakes. I'm sure all of the commenters here are unfailingly polite in all situations and never have deviate from being kind in the face of rudeness, sweet when treated like cattle, and always turn the other cheek when insulted. Just goes to prove the lie between the angels we see ourselves as and the reality. I fully admit to occasionally snapping or getting frustrated as Cusk has--come on, let's be honest here, and deal with reality, not fantasies of self!!
54
My reaction upon reading the article was what a wonderful piece of writing it was; beautiful prose about a serious subject. They writer seemed to open her soul to her readers; she was honest and unblinking in her self-examination. I thought about sharing the article with friends who love good writing, simply because it was just that. I was totally taken back at the reaction of some readers who described it as "rambling", and the accused the writer of being a snob and many worse descriptions.
Ms. Cusk, I'm so impressed by your writing, that I sought out more from you. I'm delighted to find you are a novelist. I'm looking forward to reading some of them.
Ms. Cusk, I'm so impressed by your writing, that I sought out more from you. I'm delighted to find you are a novelist. I'm looking forward to reading some of them.
23
Bravo. You may have something here. I will give it a try.
7
I really appreciate Cusk's insightful confessional, which objectifies what the rest of us are only vaguely aware of in ourselves. I would like to add that the rise in rudeness is in part due to the glorification of self-expression, which has tilted the balance from considering the effectiveness of speech to the therapeutic value of speech. Cask emphasized that she is inadvertently rude because of her fidelity to the truth. But, such fidelity need not involve the hurtful expression of that "truth" to others. This "bonus" of expressing "the truth" often puts the truth into question. What Cusk missed is that rudeness has a payoff in catharsis also. The cathartic payoff of rudeness under the flag of truthfulness is addictive. It's addicts may even sacrifice the most important relationship to this addiction. In Cusk's case, I wonder if she sacrificed her relationship to her parents and her husband to this high from words. But, I don't mean to impune Cask alone for a sin of our times. Asking what Jesus would do in a given situation, as so many people now do, illustrates the prevalence of this insidiousness addiction. Whereas Christians of an earlier time feared the influence of the Devil, Christians now rather aspire to be the god who sacrificed himself for man out of love. Such conceit only compounds the insufferability of rudeness. No wonder then that her father said she was full it. No doubt, given the payoff of rudeness, we "truth speakers" often are.
8
I know Cusk interprets her painter friend as having a staring contest with the rude TSA official. But, I would suggest an alternative interpretation. He may have been trying to gauge the situation, the guard's character and motivation, and what would be most effective to say. Her painter friend may, in other words, have been trying to assess the likely outcome of his words, rather than reflexively yielding to the temptation to express his indignation. The TSA official may also have either realized this or had a chance to reflect upon the situation and her behavior herself. Rudeness could have been the unintended consequence of everyone yielding to a reflex, which a mere time-out averted.
Never, and nowhere, is rudeness the answer to anything. Courtesy and politeness cost nothing. They accomplish much. I concur with Ms. Cusk, it may be out of fashion to commit to these but it is right. If more of us join this cause there is no imagining what good may be wrought. I encourage readers of this piece to come to the aid of this movement and demonstrate something not seen often today, nobility.
4
Who says politeness costs nothing? Please Google "emotional labor" and see if you stand by that statement. The very concept is reflected in the 2 stories about the black woman's makeup and the man's paint.
It is unfortunate that Ms Cusk has clearly never had to work at one of the many jobs out there where one "lacks any meaningful authority while also being forced into constant interaction with members of the public". She seems to sneer at that lack of authority, not see it as a constant frustration and challenge to one's sense of self-worth. Clearly she has no such problem with her sense of self-worth, indeed entitlement. I read through this ramble increasingly rapidly as my own annoyance with the writer increased. There were, to my mind, only two heroes in this story. Her friend who used politeness to turn around the attitude of the officious customs clerk, and the shop-lady who managed to keep being bright and breezy despite a lot of rebuffs. As one who has done that sort of work, I know her feet were hurting and her back was aching and the last thing she really wanted to be doing was court this pampered woman.
Perhaps the article might better have been called "The annoying erosion of entitlement."
Perhaps the article might better have been called "The annoying erosion of entitlement."
20
I wonder if the author seeks courtesy … or deference.
10
I, too, had a bad reaction on hearing how the author described employees with whom she came in contact.
But she did recognize that in herself, and I think if we are honest, we will acknowledge that we too are often affected in our evaluation of someone by his or her physical appearance. I don't know what Ms. Cusk looks like, but I imagine her to be the kind of well-groomed, polite, faintly patronizing person who can drive me nuts (not to put too fine a point on it) because of a rather subtle know-it-all air. So I'm evaluating her in terms of her physical appearance, and I've never even seen her!
The big drawback of the piece is Ms. Cusk described herself as relating badly only to people who were lower on the socioeconomic ladder. It would be interesting to see how she would relate to someone of her own class.
But she did recognize that in herself, and I think if we are honest, we will acknowledge that we too are often affected in our evaluation of someone by his or her physical appearance. I don't know what Ms. Cusk looks like, but I imagine her to be the kind of well-groomed, polite, faintly patronizing person who can drive me nuts (not to put too fine a point on it) because of a rather subtle know-it-all air. So I'm evaluating her in terms of her physical appearance, and I've never even seen her!
The big drawback of the piece is Ms. Cusk described herself as relating badly only to people who were lower on the socioeconomic ladder. It would be interesting to see how she would relate to someone of her own class.
11
She did not write condescendingly about anyone. She merely described the clothing of the people to paint you w visual picture of how people look physically so that you can use your imagination when reading the story. Not a single line is condescending.
7
I could not finish this article. The writer seems to judging people of the working class in very difficult jobs. The comments on their dress and their skin seemed to be like a bully to me. Her descriptions seemed rude to me. Not sure why she did not go to some financial building and see how the corporate class are speaking to their staff. Perhaps she could spend the day at an airport directing people to lines in the customs department.
21
Such a wonderful touching story of the painter in the airport calmly holding the gaze of his tormentor. I almost wished it had ended there so I wouldn't have to think more about the deeply intractable problems that have over taken us. I still want to believe that goodness is more powerful than it seems to be right now, and that there are people of courageous love among us quietly waiting for the perfect opportunity to sit us down and explain that even the worst among us secretly yearns for an honest decent world.
Maybe I should take up painting.
Maybe I should take up painting.
10
So many thoughts with this article, what does it mean to be polite to those we'll never see again. What does it mean to be present in conversations with those we see everyday? Social structure breaks down in an age of hiding behind screens and anonymity and it takes an effort to be present in a conversation as opposed to relying on the small comfort of perfunctory response.
3
I understand your observations and I can relate to the frustration caused, but there is one truth that you need to remember: In the war the Jews were always well mannered, even when they were sent to their deaths. I do not want to see a time like that ever again. In the words of Jesus: Let your no mean no, and your yes mean yes. If we stand as members of the human race against such inhumanity, then there is hope. We must be better than the lowest denominator and stronger too. There are very tough times ahead; call on your God and look to your scriptures for guidance.
2
I find that I'm on the very edge of Rage a lot of the time. The thing that sets me off is inconsiderate people.
Once--- In Durango Colorado, a person in a car was partly blocking a street. I quickly raged when he would not move. I jumped out of my car, ran over pounded on his hood, grabbed his door open---- He looked at me and calmly said "You must be having a bad day." It totally defused me
Once--- In Durango Colorado, a person in a car was partly blocking a street. I quickly raged when he would not move. I jumped out of my car, ran over pounded on his hood, grabbed his door open---- He looked at me and calmly said "You must be having a bad day." It totally defused me
4
A brilliant essay that reads like good fiction, by someone who, regardless of her station in life, is saddened by what all too many of us have become.
3
I also find myself being rude to my college students when they do not follow my directions (which, of course, are abundantly clear). I assume that they are being pig-headed, or intentionally stupid just to irritate me, etc. The fact that I teach in a community college, and many are from underprivileged backgrounds, some the first in their families to go to college, sometimes escapes my attention, and I guess it's easier to blame them than just be patient and explain for the 4th time when they need to do for my course. Do I want to be rude? Not really. My wife said to me today: "If you're going to be curmudgeonly, you need to stop teaching" (I certainly could - I'm 70 and still teach because I like to - or at least USED to like to). But I think it's just the whole atmosphere after Trump's faux-election. I am frustrated and worried and, yes, scared about the future....and rudeness is one way to express that - not a good way, but one way. I need to settle down and look to my faith a bit more. And apologize.
11
Rudeness is in the eye of the beholder.
I actually kind-of do think it's rude to decide that it is OK to scold someone because they are wearing a polyester shirt. I mean why is the polyester shirt relevant? Does that make him servant class? What kind of uniform would he have to be wearing for you refrain from telling him he was rude? Would you tell him he was rude if he was wearing Armani?
The rudenesses that bother me are when people charge at me on the sidewalk expecting me to get out of their way; or social interactions that veer from friendly to shunned for no apparent reason.
Oh -- and "no problem" in response to "thank you." ... I mean maybe, if the thankyou was actually an apology for putting the person out, but not in response to a thankyou for a gift, for example.
"Thank you for the gift." "No problem."
What? It never occurred to me that it was a problem. Why would you get me a gift if it was a problem? Why would you even open up the possibility that it might have been a problem? I feel like I should give it back!
But I wonder if the writer might be better off to become a little more rude. To suffer the attentions of a sales clerk when she'd rather be left alone is beyond polite to passive-aggressive. Why is it so hard to say, "thanks for your help but I really just want to browse on my own." And then it becomes the salesperson's fault for not getting that the woman wants to be left alone without having to be told... That's a little too British for me.
I actually kind-of do think it's rude to decide that it is OK to scold someone because they are wearing a polyester shirt. I mean why is the polyester shirt relevant? Does that make him servant class? What kind of uniform would he have to be wearing for you refrain from telling him he was rude? Would you tell him he was rude if he was wearing Armani?
The rudenesses that bother me are when people charge at me on the sidewalk expecting me to get out of their way; or social interactions that veer from friendly to shunned for no apparent reason.
Oh -- and "no problem" in response to "thank you." ... I mean maybe, if the thankyou was actually an apology for putting the person out, but not in response to a thankyou for a gift, for example.
"Thank you for the gift." "No problem."
What? It never occurred to me that it was a problem. Why would you get me a gift if it was a problem? Why would you even open up the possibility that it might have been a problem? I feel like I should give it back!
But I wonder if the writer might be better off to become a little more rude. To suffer the attentions of a sales clerk when she'd rather be left alone is beyond polite to passive-aggressive. Why is it so hard to say, "thanks for your help but I really just want to browse on my own." And then it becomes the salesperson's fault for not getting that the woman wants to be left alone without having to be told... That's a little too British for me.
12
I avoid being rude because it makes nothing better, has the potential to make things worse and isn't a way I want to behave toward others. Of course, sometimes one feels justified in rudeness, but is it really something the other person is doing on purpose or simply a result of circumstances. In the end, does being impolite and/or unkind really accomplish anything of value?
I'm puzzled by the author's ambivalence in this piece. She owns her rudeness or thoughts of it, but doesn't seem to reach any actual conclusions about it. The Brexit example represents politics and doesn't typify how being polite or rude is part of normal encounters. Those who want to leave the EU have their reasons, which are likely to be disappointed in the long run, but that hardly matters in terms of interpersonal behavior.
Rudeness is represented most obviously by Trump, who is boorish and nasty to a fault. What intelligent person wants to emulate him? Being polite has never looked better in comparison.
Eclectic Pragmatism — http://eclectic-pragmatist.tumblr.com/
Eclectic Pragmatist — https://medium.com/eclectic-pragmatism
I'm puzzled by the author's ambivalence in this piece. She owns her rudeness or thoughts of it, but doesn't seem to reach any actual conclusions about it. The Brexit example represents politics and doesn't typify how being polite or rude is part of normal encounters. Those who want to leave the EU have their reasons, which are likely to be disappointed in the long run, but that hardly matters in terms of interpersonal behavior.
Rudeness is represented most obviously by Trump, who is boorish and nasty to a fault. What intelligent person wants to emulate him? Being polite has never looked better in comparison.
Eclectic Pragmatism — http://eclectic-pragmatist.tumblr.com/
Eclectic Pragmatist — https://medium.com/eclectic-pragmatism
17
I find an increasing hidden rage that expresses itself more and more frequently as passive-aggression. I find it tiresome, exhausting, and soul-destroying to encounter so increasingly and repeatedly by non-medical staff in the National Health Service. Patients, conditioned to be deferential and grateful for the near-70 year old NHS, remain obsequious and rarely defend themselves against this behaviour and always at their peril. I overheard a receptionist refusing to acknowledge she'd spelt a patient's name wrongly by insisting shevhadnt, and whem the exasperated patient said, "That's not how you spell my name," the receptionist said, "Yes, it is," and pounted to the sign at the desk stating the No Anuse of Staff pilucy. Sadly, that policyy doesnt work noth ways. Curious if passive-aggressive behaviour is on the increase elsewhere where people may tend to be more direct or it it just in Lonďon where an increasing nastiness is tolerated as long as the voice is not raised. A raised vouce, after all, would be condidered rude.
15
Apologies for the typos in my comment. Typed it with one finger on the smartphone. Should have read it more carefully before submitting it.
3
How refreshing and energizing it is to sit in my abode and feel a communication with you who has faced situations and is willing to explain vulnerability, which is hardly ever considered.
These transactions are of the utmost difficulty and the last things we need, meeting a car on a one-lane blue ridge road is not nearly as traumatic as entering into a scuffle involving personality and mood…one potentially stable, the other unpredictable. We hesitate to make much of either although both are tantamount to life and death.
One caution is: Understand one has the need to respect oneself, but you are right. What am I lost to extend comfort to suffering? Strength is only beneficial in those times alone when love is absent. To have that breath where the other is speaking and you hear is a blessing.
What your POV at this time exposes to me is the exquisite answer to the world at large, the jungle where the panther is defender and supplicant. The difference is she wants you to take the weight because you can. The difference between being victim to suicidology or beneficiary of divine guidance is your choice…select the scene and backdrop, actors and infusion of otherwise unknown personalities
…and otherwise the experts beyond yourself, your civilized self you can leave them behind.
These transactions are of the utmost difficulty and the last things we need, meeting a car on a one-lane blue ridge road is not nearly as traumatic as entering into a scuffle involving personality and mood…one potentially stable, the other unpredictable. We hesitate to make much of either although both are tantamount to life and death.
One caution is: Understand one has the need to respect oneself, but you are right. What am I lost to extend comfort to suffering? Strength is only beneficial in those times alone when love is absent. To have that breath where the other is speaking and you hear is a blessing.
What your POV at this time exposes to me is the exquisite answer to the world at large, the jungle where the panther is defender and supplicant. The difference is she wants you to take the weight because you can. The difference between being victim to suicidology or beneficiary of divine guidance is your choice…select the scene and backdrop, actors and infusion of otherwise unknown personalities
…and otherwise the experts beyond yourself, your civilized self you can leave them behind.
5
I forced myself to read to the end of this long, rambling piece and I was shocked by thr hypocrisy of the writer. How could she critique other people's 'rudeness' in a such a high-pitched, emotionally wrought fashion and then reveal her own - not only rudeness - but mean-spirited moral superiority regarding the poor sales clerk in the dress shop?
Ms. Cusk, please consider this: an older woman does not work for minimum wage commission, standing all day in a dress shop, unless she absolutely has no other financial alternatives. This poor woman may have been new and, in any case, was only doing her job.
Why didn't the author acknowledge the salesperson, thank her for her kindness and then explain that she was just browsing and preferred to look around on her own? Ms. Cusk could have asked the saleswoman's name and then assured her, (with a warm smile) that she would seek her out if she needed anything. Problem solved WITHOUT being rude.
This author seems a bit hysterical to me.
Ms. Cusk, please consider this: an older woman does not work for minimum wage commission, standing all day in a dress shop, unless she absolutely has no other financial alternatives. This poor woman may have been new and, in any case, was only doing her job.
Why didn't the author acknowledge the salesperson, thank her for her kindness and then explain that she was just browsing and preferred to look around on her own? Ms. Cusk could have asked the saleswoman's name and then assured her, (with a warm smile) that she would seek her out if she needed anything. Problem solved WITHOUT being rude.
This author seems a bit hysterical to me.
166
I'm afraid that you have completely misunderstood the author. Please read the piece again.
couldnt agree more
8
I think the question you asked in the first paragraph was the point she was making in the essay. Who among us hasn't been rude though we don't mean to be? Who among us is not a hypocrite? The author lays bare her mistakes and embarrassments as she is trying to learn from them; to understand why we all do these things sometimes. It is a gift for a writer to share that human vulnerability; but you see such openness and inquiry and put her down for it. How rude; I do think you missed the point of the entire essay.
12
This reminds me of the old adage, "If you want to change someone, change your own behavior." The effect is immediate, as the person with whom you're dealing will have to change their behavior, simply because you've changed yours.
I was fascinated to read about our friends across the pond, and felt a sense of eeriness as I realized she could be speaking of America. It is no longer safe to post anything political on social media as the vitriol is sky high, much less in public where physical harm is a constant threat.
It's the societal divisions that have created this mess of ugliness. The root of it? Unequal wealth distribution. Until this beast is tamed, I'm afraid we're all in for an ugly ride.
Thank you NYT, for bringing us this timely story, which is extraordinarily reflective of this moment in our history.
I was fascinated to read about our friends across the pond, and felt a sense of eeriness as I realized she could be speaking of America. It is no longer safe to post anything political on social media as the vitriol is sky high, much less in public where physical harm is a constant threat.
It's the societal divisions that have created this mess of ugliness. The root of it? Unequal wealth distribution. Until this beast is tamed, I'm afraid we're all in for an ugly ride.
Thank you NYT, for bringing us this timely story, which is extraordinarily reflective of this moment in our history.
38
Unequal wealth distribution has been with us for a few thousand years. I'm more inclined to blame advances in technology that make it quite easy to surround ourselves with a like minded tribe and our fall into the trap of confirmation bias. The need to get along with those who are different has never been smaller.
5
Both points seem valid to me. Regarding technology, it is remarkable how far and how many our voices and messages can reach these days, but it's done very little to help communicate with those in our immediate presence.
The author hails from the country that has turned passive aggression into an art form, and it's a dark art that many foreigners take some time to grasp. Case in point: the last time I flew out of Heathrow, there was a machine at the end of security, inviting passengers to record whether they approved of their experience by hitting one of two buttons marked"yes" and "no". The workers could see the button you chose. After silently snaking through queues and scanners and charmless security checks, the shoeless and beltless passengers all quietly but firmly pressed "no" and walked away.
13
And that is why I stopped flying through Heathrow.
2
And why I stopped flying through Newark.
What a snob this woman is! "A white short-sleeved synthetic shirt, black synthetic trousers, a cheap tie..." Let her be assigned that same job (and -- horror of horrors to our fashion critic! -- be required to wear that same cheesy uniform), and see how long she remains polite and solicitous (qualities that she admits aren't exactly her strong suit to begin with), as perhaps her only available way of supporting her kids.
This isn't about manners, let alone ideology. It's about empathy. If our author had any empathy, she'd have recognized that there was a very simple and direct way to handle that nagging store clerk: "I realize your job requires you to follow your boss's script -- but I really prefer to be left alone while I browse. I'm sure you understand."
What's not to understand?
This isn't about manners, let alone ideology. It's about empathy. If our author had any empathy, she'd have recognized that there was a very simple and direct way to handle that nagging store clerk: "I realize your job requires you to follow your boss's script -- but I really prefer to be left alone while I browse. I'm sure you understand."
What's not to understand?
78
I thought she revealed empathy in the very same paragraph: "someone who lacks any meaningful authority while also being forced into constant interaction with members of the public" and "He looks at me — a woman ... who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led...".
7
synthetic shirt, synthetic trousers, cheap tie, bus driver, someone at a car-rental desk, someone who lacks any meaningful authority...
prig: a self-righteously moralistic person who behaves as if superior to others.
prig: a self-righteously moralistic person who behaves as if superior to others.
87
Like other commenters, I stopped reading after the author's nasty, condescending remarks about the airport worker's uniform.
Incidentally, I am also a frequent traveler and have never encountered rudeness from airport personnel. And if I did, I would be able to understand that harried, underpaid employees might snap, occasionally.
Since I couldn't finish this essay, I'm glad to read that many of those who did found it a rambling mess.
Incidentally, I am also a frequent traveler and have never encountered rudeness from airport personnel. And if I did, I would be able to understand that harried, underpaid employees might snap, occasionally.
Since I couldn't finish this essay, I'm glad to read that many of those who did found it a rambling mess.
59
Yes,this essay is much too long! You and I are NOT being rude to the author by telling her we could not finish it!
5
never encountered rudeness from airport personnel? really??
6
Rudeness begets rudeness whether in the political arena or social context. This fine, though provoking piece should stir us all especially now as we are prone to fling rudeness here and abroad. Rudeness comes from a deep seated insecurity or a momentary rush of frustration. Being mindfully aware of our feelings, while acknowledging, and accepting them will do much to curtail the rudeness in us all.
14
Ms. Cusk, thank you for this. It's good to know that it isn't just in the U.S. that we are experiencing this disruption. It is difficult when public opinion is so polarized to remember that people with whom we disagree are not the enemy. The whole purpose of observing the rules of courtesy is to acknowledge that all people deserve at least a minimum of simple consideration. Reading this piece reminds me of how much I miss my friend who lived on the Isle of Wight until last April 19. He was a retired hospice nurse and he might've voted for Brexit had he lived. I would've wanted to discuss it with him via email since we never met face-to-face. It is so helpful to be able to have the benefit of the viewpoints of people who are different than we are. I am terribly worried at the wave of xenophobia, nationalism and misogyny that seems to be spreading in the West.
17
You had room in your bag but stood and watched a lovely woman have to toss her expensive beauty products she needed on her trip? Unless I missed something, you could have carried them through the line then handed them right back to her, no? It didn't sound like you suspected they concealed explosives. Stepping up would have been a story worth repeating, for you and her and everyone else watching.
74
If she and her daughter each had a ticket, they were each entitled to a bag. The airport worker wasn't just rude, she was racist.
1
A beautifully written piece by a totally self-absorbed woman. Made it all the way through to the end without screaming
41
I don't think she's self-absorbed. I think she is examining her conscience. The opposite of self-absorbed is self-oblivious; lacking in self-insight. Is that better?
12
I often think rude behavior is born out of fear. Fear of ineptitude, of suppression, of being usurped by someone less deserving or qualified. And rudeness begets more rudeness. So when I encounter a rude person now I try to be as calm as possible and offer a smile and a thank you. Who can argue with that?
10
Rudeness to me is dismissive intolerance and emotional bullying. I no longer accept it.
I don't return it in kind either.
I point it out, and take it from there. Especially in post-Trump America, where the sore winners feel their long-simmering anger at being required to check their hostility to the "other" has been unleashed, it is especially important for their targets to define and defend their personal boundaries: the regime changed hands, not reality.
I don't return it in kind either.
I point it out, and take it from there. Especially in post-Trump America, where the sore winners feel their long-simmering anger at being required to check their hostility to the "other" has been unleashed, it is especially important for their targets to define and defend their personal boundaries: the regime changed hands, not reality.
2
After reading this article, I am left with only this single thought. If a person can go through their entire life without a single instance of rudeness then they are the ones deserving of sainthood, for they will have lived a life, rarely seen before, of true "humanity."
8
The trouble with this is - I sympathise with some of the targets of Ms Cusk's ire. Especially the airport staff. I don't think Ms Cusk realises how tiring it is to answer the same, sometimes stupid and sometimes ignorant questions at the airport. I also don't think Ms Cusk realises how many people try to bypass the security rules at UK (and othe) airports and how tiring it is to explain the rules time and time again, especially to people who do not think the rules apply to them. The people doing their job there did not make the rules, they merely have the unenviable task of enforcing them. The shop assistant sounded like she was really trying to help. Ms Cusk seems to consider herself above the rest of us mortals and should spend some time in a public-facing monotonous job and then be interviewed afterwards to see if she has learned from being in another's shoes. where is her writer's imagination when it comes to seeing matters from the other perspective?
28
Why should Ms. Cusk deign to care about the airport inspector's feelings? After all, he was wearing a synthetic shirt and a cheap tie!
6
Sheesh did see it. It's right there. Apparently too subtle for some of you readers.
5
Regret over her own arrogance should have been front-and-center. If Hillary hadn't been so "subtle" in showing some humility, we wouldn't be stuck with a fascist President.
I think a lot of the blame lies with the false promise of the internet. Despite t having been available for a long time, it's only really expanded to encompass the greater mass of people in the last six or so years with the availability of smartphones, cheaper, quality computers and greater integration of these devices to the internet itself. Even ten years ago the internet was more exclusively available to wealthier elements of society, usually wealthier because of their educational background. The explosion of internet access has meant that everyone has a more public voice but many, I've observed, don't like the fact that their voices can be challenged. What was once internal thought is now external and publicly published and, as Rachel says, many people aren't equipped to verbally deal with these challenges. The gut reaction is to respond with viciousness. It's spread beyond internet interactions, though: everyone is on edge thanks to the spiralling of the belief that they'll speak but not be heard or respected, whatever side of an argument they may sit on. Ultimately, I think that the way the internet's evolved probably doesn't make many people happy but we're all too invested in it to be able to break away.
10
imagine who you felt towards these rude people
Then look at the face you make in the mirror
Also try thinking about how you looked at the customs guy sounds like you did one of those up down looks.
So many people from powerful countries treat the rest of us like crap, you don't even see certain people they are invisible to you until you need help or have an issue.
You don't remember them and you don't remember when you were rude, but they remember you....
Then look at the face you make in the mirror
Also try thinking about how you looked at the customs guy sounds like you did one of those up down looks.
So many people from powerful countries treat the rest of us like crap, you don't even see certain people they are invisible to you until you need help or have an issue.
You don't remember them and you don't remember when you were rude, but they remember you....
16
What I think so many are having trouble with is that the "Customs guy's" job IS customer service (+ the airport lady; + the clothing store employee, too, who's faux help is so off-putting). He's/she's failed in their duty to serve these people who ultimately put food on their table. That it's a thankless job is often the case true. But folks should think what would happen if they failed to do the most basic aspect of their job.
3
I would think that to judge another as rude is to believe them to be out of step with how we think they should act. Accepting that a person is living under circumstances, unknown to ourselves, which justify the behavior to themselves is less a dislike of conflict than a form of social fortitude.
8
This became more interesting as it progressed.
I came to feel that she confuses 'truth' with what she observes and says rather than what she elicits and leads her parents or others to understand. I would hate to have her as my lawyer in a hostile court. She might win on appeal with the logic of her words while losing the case because the judge and jurors were not led to share her truths.
I came to feel that she confuses 'truth' with what she observes and says rather than what she elicits and leads her parents or others to understand. I would hate to have her as my lawyer in a hostile court. She might win on appeal with the logic of her words while losing the case because the judge and jurors were not led to share her truths.
5
Rudeness in society has been going on for a long time now, and, in my opinion has not much to do with politics (which I am so sick of hearing about at this point).
I've noticed it has spread to the younger generations, i.e., young children. When I was growing up, I had to be polite - my parents required it. Now, young children (even grade school kids) don't bother to say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry", but just bump into people, race around, screech at the top of their lungs, etc.. I can't tell you how many times kids have darted in front of me, scaring me half to death --and the parents are either not around or totally oblivious of their little darlings' behavior.
I even had one kid (at a religious service, no less) bump into me, deliberately, trying to knock my cane away from me -- then grinned at me. No apology, of course. (that one was probably a sociopath in training, imo).
If kids are not taught basic manners, how do we expect adults to act?
I've noticed it has spread to the younger generations, i.e., young children. When I was growing up, I had to be polite - my parents required it. Now, young children (even grade school kids) don't bother to say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry", but just bump into people, race around, screech at the top of their lungs, etc.. I can't tell you how many times kids have darted in front of me, scaring me half to death --and the parents are either not around or totally oblivious of their little darlings' behavior.
I even had one kid (at a religious service, no less) bump into me, deliberately, trying to knock my cane away from me -- then grinned at me. No apology, of course. (that one was probably a sociopath in training, imo).
If kids are not taught basic manners, how do we expect adults to act?
38
The only way to beat rudeness is to be extra nice and polite. You rise above it, you don't stoop that low. Puts the offender to shame every time.
15
Perhaps what we are discussing is not mannere, politeness, but kindness. More kindness, lots more kindness. This clarifies for me how to think, act and speak.
30
Rudeness is whatever expresses a lack of respect: words, tone, gesture - its unmistakable. And uncomplicated. Little has been left unsaid on this perpetually perplexing part of human nature. If the writer could just yank her head out of her own navel, she might see that there are other subjects upon which she could more helpfully focus her considerable intellect and well-modulated authorial voice.
9
Perhaps the airline employee hates you not because of your privilege but because you clearly see him as a defective cog in an industrial machine rather than a person?
25
The painter, a man, is able to disarm the uniformed woman because he is a man, not because he looked her straight in the eye, not because he "saw" her. The black woman would most likely not have not been able to look directly at the white uniformed woman and achieve the same outcome, nor would the forty-eight year old woman have been able to straighten out the man in the queue. Rudeness comes from a sense of privilege or a sense that privilege is slipping or has been lost. Politeness is not a set of class-based behaviors, but rather a genuine sensitivity to the other.
83
The heart of privilege isn't race or gender -- it's a sense that one is entitled to define or specify what constitutes "genuine sensitivity to the other."
Interesting observation, but i think it assumes some kind of attraction is involved? I'd looked at the exchange as conveying some kind of understanding, without more. That alone could have prompted a change in behavior. But I'm also making an assumption.
I tripped over your attitude when you talked about telling your children "Sit down," Not "Honey, could you please sit down?" You don't seen to be too interested in being either polite or nice to your family or outsiders.
I feel bad for both your mother and your children. Couldn't you try to make other people's day a little better? That is our job on earth. I have no objection to your trying to help the people who the airport guy abused,but you were not successful.
I feel bad for both your mother and your children. Couldn't you try to make other people's day a little better? That is our job on earth. I have no objection to your trying to help the people who the airport guy abused,but you were not successful.
7
This piece seems to be a stream of consciousness. Viewed as such, I appreciated it. It was trying to make certain points, though not excessively. I could identify with what was happening in some of the telling.
8
'Rudeness' is endemic to a highly diversified culture with few palpable threads of commonality, such as we 'enjoy' these days. Better get used to it and stop the erudite whining. Complaining in a refined manner (such as is this article) a great psychiatric stress release mechanism, but there are far more less esoteric (and far more important) things to concern ourselves with in 'diversity-is-a-blessing' (note: irony intended) America. [And before anyone turns on that sentiment with PC fangs barred and talons unsheathed, let me add that 'diversity' is ONLY a blessing when the 'diversees' accept and embrace the substantial civic & social responsibilities that American democracy imposes equally (at least in theory) upon ALL of us. 'Rudeness' is all too frequently reflective of a failure to understand this basic requisite of modern American life and is usually also an indicator of gross cultural ignorance.]
5
Perhaps the issue is less about being rude, and more about the need to be right - at all times, in all places, at all costs. Curiously enough, both the author and the subjects of her article seem to have this affliction.
9
Politeness has gone the way of the dodo bird. It's hard to be polite in a 100+ word tweet. And easy to be rude and hateful when not face-to-face with the "other."
5
Reading the article was sad and painful, as was reading the comments. It's painful to feel the harshness and hear the judgmental views that we have for one another.
And here I am, in the same boat. How will we ever stop?
And here I am, in the same boat. How will we ever stop?
21
Airports have become bulk-processing facilities and are rude by design. The front line staff are as much victims as the customers. There are two causes: One is cost-cutting by the airlines (reducing the airplane to just one more crowded bus) and the theater of security is the other cause.
10
It's hard to do in this political climate, but for me, trying to be polite is not enough. What matters, what works, is to cultivate something deeper: Love in your heart. This might sound sappy, but it's actually a very hard thing to do and requires commitment and maturity. Loving means being humble, staying open, paying attention, and being fully engaged with the world as it really is. As far as how to go about this, Buddhism shares many of the principles of Christianity but focuses not on the personality and magic of one person but on how to cultivate oneself into a wiser and better person. I wish I could prescribe loving kindness meditation to everyone.
"The social code remains unwritten"
In fact there are many written versions of it: Etiquette books make for fascinating reading, even if one must acknowledge that in a multicultural world, these guides all have limitations. Still, Miss Manners would be clear that the author's scolding of the airport agent was rude, because one is not allowed to correct the manners of other adults.
It's interesting to read others' response to this essay. I find Rachel Cusk's writing compelling because she is more honest than most and more willing to reveal herself, including in an unflattering light. This makes me willing to look past the disagreeable self-satisfaction she gives off sometimes in being part of the smart, slim and successful set, with a better complexion and wardrobe than other souls she must share the world with.
"The social code remains unwritten"
In fact there are many written versions of it: Etiquette books make for fascinating reading, even if one must acknowledge that in a multicultural world, these guides all have limitations. Still, Miss Manners would be clear that the author's scolding of the airport agent was rude, because one is not allowed to correct the manners of other adults.
It's interesting to read others' response to this essay. I find Rachel Cusk's writing compelling because she is more honest than most and more willing to reveal herself, including in an unflattering light. This makes me willing to look past the disagreeable self-satisfaction she gives off sometimes in being part of the smart, slim and successful set, with a better complexion and wardrobe than other souls she must share the world with.
20
Wow! No editing needed; every word counts, like in very good poetry, adding to its moral heft. It's a lot to carry (the rudeness; this essay), which is why so many say nothing in the face of such incivility in the first place, kindly or otherwise (faces buried in their devices, earbuds corked). This is a treatise on the zombie apocalypse we're living daily. The vacuum the Black mother and daughter discover themselves in, with all those indifferent onlookers, is nothing new. In its worst form we find Kitty Genovese.
I envy cows their four stomachs and hereditary stupidity.
Re-reading a beautiful and brutal sentence: "She was a housewife with little education and a rapidly retreating beauty, for whom life was a process of discovering that no greatness had been held in store for her."
Couldn't this be said about the greater part of the Modern populous, impatient for their 15 (that American curse)? That it's her own mother to whom she's referring is heartbreaking. It shows Cusk at battle with the figurative, perhaps real, family demons that haunt so many; it's at once brave and recklessly rude. And it's only part of what makes this essay so great because she has the courage and the intelligence to produce writing that's weapons grade, radiating its meaning well after reading ... and sure to win an award for the essay.
I envy cows their four stomachs and hereditary stupidity.
Re-reading a beautiful and brutal sentence: "She was a housewife with little education and a rapidly retreating beauty, for whom life was a process of discovering that no greatness had been held in store for her."
Couldn't this be said about the greater part of the Modern populous, impatient for their 15 (that American curse)? That it's her own mother to whom she's referring is heartbreaking. It shows Cusk at battle with the figurative, perhaps real, family demons that haunt so many; it's at once brave and recklessly rude. And it's only part of what makes this essay so great because she has the courage and the intelligence to produce writing that's weapons grade, radiating its meaning well after reading ... and sure to win an award for the essay.
23
Cows often strike me as among the wisest of creatures. Try talking to one. They listen with great patience and stillness no matter how stupid we may sound.
4
I would love to read the next draft of this.
Not in terms of writing per se, but depth.
Rudeness...literally is a manifestation of Anger, in whatever shade it comes in. A state of simmering Otherness.
Manners as such have devolved into a lot about "should/nots", and not a true expression of graciousness.
If you, Ms. Cusk, removed the skein of politesse (sorry, since the whole essay is hung on it, which may be is the problem), but instead reached for the search for an authentic articulation of Individuality in an interdependent scenario, the enterprise might be, even more illumining.
It becomes an experiential experiment of presence and awareness.
Not in terms of writing per se, but depth.
Rudeness...literally is a manifestation of Anger, in whatever shade it comes in. A state of simmering Otherness.
Manners as such have devolved into a lot about "should/nots", and not a true expression of graciousness.
If you, Ms. Cusk, removed the skein of politesse (sorry, since the whole essay is hung on it, which may be is the problem), but instead reached for the search for an authentic articulation of Individuality in an interdependent scenario, the enterprise might be, even more illumining.
It becomes an experiential experiment of presence and awareness.
2
An incredible piece. Thank you.
5
Thank you. So much of what you write resonates. I used to say, there is no excuse for incivility. One could be firm without being rude.
However, what is considered uncivil is so dependent, as you describe, and we observe.
My "rules" about what constitutes "rudeness" are different from others, is what I have concluded. The extremely rude behavior of our current President is an example. When my boundaries of "rudeness" have been crossed, I have decided to be kinder as a result. There is actually a study that shows that if you smile at someone, they will usually smile back (true, we needed a study to "prove" that).
My go-to line now is, "oh, I am so sorry! You must be having a hard day". It places the burden of being rude on the other person. And sometimes, it is simply something they might not have ever learned or experienced.
However, what is considered uncivil is so dependent, as you describe, and we observe.
My "rules" about what constitutes "rudeness" are different from others, is what I have concluded. The extremely rude behavior of our current President is an example. When my boundaries of "rudeness" have been crossed, I have decided to be kinder as a result. There is actually a study that shows that if you smile at someone, they will usually smile back (true, we needed a study to "prove" that).
My go-to line now is, "oh, I am so sorry! You must be having a hard day". It places the burden of being rude on the other person. And sometimes, it is simply something they might not have ever learned or experienced.
3
• From the ground up, I see fewer and fewer children imbued with a sense of “rules” the way my parents and my teachers imposed rules upon my behavior. This translated later into a grasp of the “rules” of good manners. Sadly, those days are far behind. Today, children are raised by parents who never had to abide by any rules themselves. They let their children do as they please, biding their time until their kids go off to college. This leaves everyone insensitive to the needs of others. Which is not the same as rudeness, per se. Generations now are simply oblivious.
• There is the impact of “social” media and a life lived in isolation, staring into one’s glowing hand-held device. This appears to me to be anything but “social” – without actual human contact, social codes are not internalized, and I think we’re beginning to sense this breakdown more widely these days.
• In Penn Station, I happened to drop my camera in a busy concourse, and when I noticed I had, I turned around to find a nice man who had recovered it and began looking for its owner. I approached him from behind, even tapped his shoulder a time or two. But so focused on his search was he, he did not notice. After several “excuse me”s and “that’s mine” I had no choice but to raise my voice to be heard over the crowd. He whirled around, handed me my camera and said “You don’t have to be rude.”
• There is the impact of “social” media and a life lived in isolation, staring into one’s glowing hand-held device. This appears to me to be anything but “social” – without actual human contact, social codes are not internalized, and I think we’re beginning to sense this breakdown more widely these days.
• In Penn Station, I happened to drop my camera in a busy concourse, and when I noticed I had, I turned around to find a nice man who had recovered it and began looking for its owner. I approached him from behind, even tapped his shoulder a time or two. But so focused on his search was he, he did not notice. After several “excuse me”s and “that’s mine” I had no choice but to raise my voice to be heard over the crowd. He whirled around, handed me my camera and said “You don’t have to be rude.”
7
It was great to read this- and I appreciated the writer's sense of things; I take things much the same way she does. In the end, we have ourselves to deal with- and overly sensitive people will always find the world a rough place.
7
Whenever I am tempted to fire back, I remember a time years ago when someone was curt, abrupt and rude to me. That person heard about that performance in no uncertain terms on the spot. A day later I learned that person was dying of terminal cancer but had to work. It was a lesson I have never forgotten.
24
It is true. We never can really know what's going on in a stranger's life. How about giving that person the benefit of the doubt?
2
Some advice for the writer: it's not a good idea to pick fights in passport control. Second: edit and trim your articles. I just couldn't get through this one though the topic is relevant in these times.
17
The way you express your disdain for others says more about you than it does about them. Many people are not sophisticated enough to realize this.
16
I am continuously astonished at the daily level of hostility and rudeness I encounter in my original country (the US) and the one in which I now live and am a citizen of, Great Britain. Interactions across both countries are quixotically similar whether discussing Brexit, Donald Trump or traversing airports. I decided sometime ago to respond to rudeness with politeness and scowls with only smiles and have discovered that regardless of the impact on the other person (and often the rudeness does lessen), I always leave feeling peaceful. I choose to live in a world of kindness, even if I must be the creator. Occasionally when traveling with my twins, I will encounter a level of hostility I am unwilling to have them experience. In this instance, in my most sweet but firm voice, I simply say "I am so sorry, but I am not certain their four year old ears need to hear this kind of language-- it is terribly challenging to teach children to be polite these days, don't you agree? I am trying very hard. Would you mind helping me and what do you need from me?" I have received an apology and smiles for the children every time.
7
Having travelled to the US several times per year the past 30 yrs I have always been shocked at the disdain for foreign travellers by American airport officials. Even my toddler daughters - who at the time did not speak English - have been barked at. We have learned to avert eye contact and try to be invisible while obeying the sometimes illogical and contradictory orders yelled at us, but even then they'll still find a reason to bully us. Thankfully we also know that these people are the exception to the rule in the US.
9
I don't understand why it's rude to tell someone you observe being demonstrably rude that you think they are being rude. That said, I don't think it is particularly helpful to do so, since they are unlikely to enjoy being called out for their behavior, especially in front of other people. Hence the author deciding to be more polite, which is like saying she's decided to play the game of social interaction a little more wisely from now on. There need be nothing sincere about politeness, except the conviction that it is a better way to go than any other in a given situation.
I do think the author is wrong to say that she has never experienced discrimination. As a woman, she has experienced it probably every single day of her adult life, and no doubt for longer than that.
I like this essay. I think it's smart and insightful, and bravely honest, especially the part about the writer's own parents. I experienced something strangely similar with my own parents. It is unbelievably painful and bewildering to be on the receiving end of that kind of rudeness. For some people, the truth really is too much to bear. And for others, not speaking the truth is equally unbearable. For my money, I think the truth is worth taking risks for, most if not all of the time.
I do think the author is wrong to say that she has never experienced discrimination. As a woman, she has experienced it probably every single day of her adult life, and no doubt for longer than that.
I like this essay. I think it's smart and insightful, and bravely honest, especially the part about the writer's own parents. I experienced something strangely similar with my own parents. It is unbelievably painful and bewildering to be on the receiving end of that kind of rudeness. For some people, the truth really is too much to bear. And for others, not speaking the truth is equally unbearable. For my money, I think the truth is worth taking risks for, most if not all of the time.
16
I found this essay very interesting as the author searches for answers to how to intereact with others taking into account her feelings as well as the other person's verbal behavior and state. A lot of judgmentalness instead of empathy motivates her search, and responses. I wonder if she is aware of that...it is a very important topic in this age of Trump, however. How much we should intervene/comment on the actions of others, and to consider what we want to accomplish. Go deeper next time.
8
Kill 'em with kindness is what I always say and do. Works wonders. It's hard to be rude to someone who is being nice. Take the high road, always.
And don't let the turkeys keep ya down.
And don't let the turkeys keep ya down.
5
The social contract ? You mean " Le contrat social " de Jean Jacques Rousseau.
There is an interesting anecdote that Rousseau told about the British ..and rudeness. When invited to stay at Hume's ,Roussea discovered that his in coming as well as out coming mail was opened by his host .Confronting Hume this one argued a theory along which it was normal for him to know what people in France though about him,therefore opening Rousseau's in coming mail,as well as what his guest was telling about him to his friends in France,there fore opening Rousseau's out going mail was simply logical and normal.
Rousseau,horrified,left immediately.
There has never been any social contract in England.
There is an interesting anecdote that Rousseau told about the British ..and rudeness. When invited to stay at Hume's ,Roussea discovered that his in coming as well as out coming mail was opened by his host .Confronting Hume this one argued a theory along which it was normal for him to know what people in France though about him,therefore opening Rousseau's in coming mail,as well as what his guest was telling about him to his friends in France,there fore opening Rousseau's out going mail was simply logical and normal.
Rousseau,horrified,left immediately.
There has never been any social contract in England.
4
So here we have a vacuous, insipid, and entitled woman responding to the travails of mass travel. To add to the horror, the stressed minimum wage security employees, attending to her and her artisan friend with his tubes of paint are unattractive, inelegant, and wearing badly tailored uniforms.
13
I have only flown into Heathrow once and every single worker I encountered in that hour was incredibly rude--two screamed at many women and children as the cried in line for a bag search, one threatened to keep me from boarding because my "iPod might be a bomb", another literally manhandled people in line--it was a true nightmare and has kept me from visiting the U.K.
4
come back! Come back! Some of us still know how to behave - some of the time
8
I agree with your general premise regarding rudeness, but I can't overlook the nice putdown of bus drivers and car rental personnel because of the uniform they wear. Were you aware you were doing this?
14
This articulation of everyday situations where rude behavior occurs is excellent. The author tries to understand what rudeness is and why it occurs suggesting that it is hatred of self. This may in part be true but I think the larger reason is not the presence of hate, but the absence of caring for self and for one another. Simple charity for each person one meets has become a lost norm. Deemed to be a weakness rather than a strength, rudeness is no longer shunned but is apparently glorified based on the recent election of President Trump. Maybe society and mankind will one day collectively abhor rude behavior for what it does .....and does not do to our lives as individuals and one of the herd on earth.
3
One downside to the "epidemic" of rudeness is that we are confront with what can only politely be described as rambling, self-serving treatises like this. Cusk is unhappy about rudeness and her opening example suggests that she can be condescending if not rude rather easily, herself. When these discussions become political its usually a "centrist" or a conservative cataloging "what liberals do". The "centrist" will say both sides do it but in such a way that the liberal is worse. The conservative will join in a tradition that goes back decades of calling liberals shrill but not mentioning even the least inflammatory remarks leveled at the Clintons or Obama. Cusk doubles down on Clinton's "deplorables" remark even though a cabinet filled with racists and people who unironically can be called fascists makes her sound prescient if blunt. Politeness is meant to be a set of codes and standards to smooth interactions in a diverse society where everyone may or may not like each other. That means some things will seem "political correct" and people with little real empathy for their fellow human will easily come across as condescending (especially toward tradespeople who wear polyester in Cusk's case). In the end Cusk wants politeness on her terms--yes she may notice her own rudeness after the fact--but she wants to set the rules. A less polite person would say she's a bully or a scold, but she has plenty of unkind words for that.
6
As a general rule, one who is alienated from her/his parents should not be giving advice on interpersonal relations and holding forth on the topic of rudeness.
Second, the writer never seemed to arrive at any deeper Truth, beyond her stated need to be more polite. I offer her this: EVERY person wants and deserves to have their personal dignity respected by others. Every human being deserves that basic dignity. "Do unto others" is an implication of respecting others as your equal.
Third, when infants (younger than about 3-4) are yelled at, beaten, neglected or otherwise abused by their parents, that treatment is likely to create lifelong emotional issues for them. Young and confused, they frequently perceive they are unloved and may face life (and death) all alone. This triggers an emotional crisis. Then in subsequent years, these emotions are experienced daily, in feelings of being judged and found unworthy. So when others marginalize them, they sometimes become angry and strike back to defend their dignity. None of us accept being called deplorable -- not your mother, not Donald Trump, not the clerk at passport control.
Finally, after lousy parents mistreat their children, a generation later those children frequently grow up to become lousy parents and neighbors. They hope to demonstrate their worth, and soothe their insecurities, by creating a false vision of perfection. Failing to understand their own journey, they tell others about their flaws and offer them advice.
Second, the writer never seemed to arrive at any deeper Truth, beyond her stated need to be more polite. I offer her this: EVERY person wants and deserves to have their personal dignity respected by others. Every human being deserves that basic dignity. "Do unto others" is an implication of respecting others as your equal.
Third, when infants (younger than about 3-4) are yelled at, beaten, neglected or otherwise abused by their parents, that treatment is likely to create lifelong emotional issues for them. Young and confused, they frequently perceive they are unloved and may face life (and death) all alone. This triggers an emotional crisis. Then in subsequent years, these emotions are experienced daily, in feelings of being judged and found unworthy. So when others marginalize them, they sometimes become angry and strike back to defend their dignity. None of us accept being called deplorable -- not your mother, not Donald Trump, not the clerk at passport control.
Finally, after lousy parents mistreat their children, a generation later those children frequently grow up to become lousy parents and neighbors. They hope to demonstrate their worth, and soothe their insecurities, by creating a false vision of perfection. Failing to understand their own journey, they tell others about their flaws and offer them advice.
9
This essay was ridiculously verbose and pompous. I found myself growing bored and angry, reading it. I kept thinking, "What is your point?" Is it that poorly-dressed people with crappy jobs and who are ugly are rude? Is it that Jesus was, although terse, not rude? That liberals are gentle while those on the other end of the spectrum are rude?
Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence knows how to deal with people who may become belligerent or rude. The author's flimsy examples of how to handle such situations did not convince me that she's an expert.
Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence knows how to deal with people who may become belligerent or rude. The author's flimsy examples of how to handle such situations did not convince me that she's an expert.
21
It seems to me that this problem of rudeness is wrapped up in the invalidation of being able to shame someone else for their behavior. It would have been interesting to ask the angry airport attendant "tell me sir, why are you so unhappy and angry?" A dangerous question for fear that we really don't want to hear their answer but we hope that it will spur some self-reflection of the rude person to wonder why they are so angry/rude. Let's call it "advanced shaming" when you do not invalidate someone else's right for "mean" self-expression but you at least pose a question that they must answer about themselves rather than reacting to the indignity of you denying the 'right' to be rude. Hmm.... Most of the time....I just don't care about going to that extra effort (as good as it might be). I just want those people to leave the Earth, (and spoken in a rude voice) - immediately.
The writer makes the case that physically attractive people are morally superior to those with red faces, small eyes, cheap uniforms, and a host of other features that offend her sensibilities. I can think of many adjectives to describe her approach to her fellow humans, but let's just say...rude.
37
"The look goes on for a very long time. Her eyes are small and pale blue and impotent: I did not notice them until now."
Too much (attempted) poetry and not nearly enough prose. This piece smacks of amateur. Hope this truth isn't seen as rude.
Too much (attempted) poetry and not nearly enough prose. This piece smacks of amateur. Hope this truth isn't seen as rude.
11
This was a remarkable story of a person seeking to understand the actions of others in as fair a way as possible. It, to my mind, reflects all of the angst and self-doubt we go through in trying to do the right thing.
Beautifully written, causing me, the reader, to delve deeply into my own observations of the increasing rudeness of people to their fellows and the feelings that rudeness evokes.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Beautifully written, causing me, the reader, to delve deeply into my own observations of the increasing rudeness of people to their fellows and the feelings that rudeness evokes.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
5
"The man is wearing a uniform, though not a very impressive one it is no different from the uniform...of someone who lacks any meaningful authority...He looks at me — a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led — with loathing."
Despite the day's news this ironically managed to be the rudest thing printed in the Times today. What overwrought nonsense -- forgive my coarseness. And flat out wrong too. Of course the man has authority (as do members of the other occupations treated here with such condescension. Perhaps this makes the privileged author insecure. Anyone who's been on a bus knows it's a bad idea to annoy your driver, which I suppose explains why our author may not know this
Despite the day's news this ironically managed to be the rudest thing printed in the Times today. What overwrought nonsense -- forgive my coarseness. And flat out wrong too. Of course the man has authority (as do members of the other occupations treated here with such condescension. Perhaps this makes the privileged author insecure. Anyone who's been on a bus knows it's a bad idea to annoy your driver, which I suppose explains why our author may not know this
26
What did this guy do to be rude? The author evidently thought he was shouting at people, but nobody else seemed to care.
6
Thanks, I really liked this. It's all about power, isn't it? The petty tyrant in the airport, or the customer in the shop being " helped" by the clerk; who is scripted and badgered constantly. As for me, I treat everyone as I would like to be treated. Treated rudely, walk away. Complain to management and don't return, if possible. Best wishes.
5
Power IS part of what's going on here. Civility is related to conducting society in a manner beyond just having those with power exercise it as they wish. So, without civility, where are we left?
Each election cycle people are getting nastier. I thought things were bad when Republicans blocked Obama's initiatives and even questioned whether he was born in the US. But this cycle is far nastier with people promoting resistance, spreading fear in immigrant communities and even comparing the US president to Hitler. I can only imagine how horrible America will become if this trend continues for future presidents.
There used to be a pulling together after an election. Kennedy probably won Illinois by cheating, but Nixon didn't challenge the vote because he sensed the country needed to move on. Similarly with Gore and Bush in 2000.
Americans are tired of the politics of personal destruction and want government to solve problems and not bicker and tear each other down.
Journalists and politicians who don't put the bread and butter interests of the American public first should be shunned.
There used to be a pulling together after an election. Kennedy probably won Illinois by cheating, but Nixon didn't challenge the vote because he sensed the country needed to move on. Similarly with Gore and Bush in 2000.
Americans are tired of the politics of personal destruction and want government to solve problems and not bicker and tear each other down.
Journalists and politicians who don't put the bread and butter interests of the American public first should be shunned.
3
"The social code remains unwritten..."
not exactly. laws are formalized social codes that people agree on, at least in a democracy. but adherence to laws and enforcement of laws are different matters.
...
"When people tell the truth, they can experience a feeling of release from pretense that is perhaps similar to the release of rudeness."
interesting comment. both releases might have something to do with the vagus nerve. see also, laughter and swearing (words that fit the definition of rudeness or obscenity, often dealing with actions that many under normal circumstances consider offensive. these words are the opposite of polite words like please and thank you).
but there needs to be some social and verbal constraints when the definition of "truth" itself is contentious or open to debate.
...
"Society organizes itself very efficiently to punish, silence or disown truth-tellers."
but in the US, we have freedom of speech, as well as libel laws. enjoy your freedoms but also you must constrain yourself for the benefit of others and yourself. and try not to kill the messenger. there are laws against that too.
not exactly. laws are formalized social codes that people agree on, at least in a democracy. but adherence to laws and enforcement of laws are different matters.
...
"When people tell the truth, they can experience a feeling of release from pretense that is perhaps similar to the release of rudeness."
interesting comment. both releases might have something to do with the vagus nerve. see also, laughter and swearing (words that fit the definition of rudeness or obscenity, often dealing with actions that many under normal circumstances consider offensive. these words are the opposite of polite words like please and thank you).
but there needs to be some social and verbal constraints when the definition of "truth" itself is contentious or open to debate.
...
"Society organizes itself very efficiently to punish, silence or disown truth-tellers."
but in the US, we have freedom of speech, as well as libel laws. enjoy your freedoms but also you must constrain yourself for the benefit of others and yourself. and try not to kill the messenger. there are laws against that too.
2
One way out is to be relentless in always trying to speak to everyone's best and noblest self. People can be reminded of things they didn't know.
10
I am one of those service workers whom the author apparently neither understands nor respects.
But I could also relate to her discomfort in the clothing store.
Once I got past the author's cruel words about the pooly uniformed worker, I found her insights about hed own privileged class very enlightening and not incomprehensible.
I also enjoyed her interpretation of the Philoctetes story.
I genuinely believe the author would benefit from a year waiting tables. If Philoctetes were alive today, he'd probably have to find work as a bartender. You know, given the shortage of jobs for bowmen.
But I could also relate to her discomfort in the clothing store.
Once I got past the author's cruel words about the pooly uniformed worker, I found her insights about hed own privileged class very enlightening and not incomprehensible.
I also enjoyed her interpretation of the Philoctetes story.
I genuinely believe the author would benefit from a year waiting tables. If Philoctetes were alive today, he'd probably have to find work as a bartender. You know, given the shortage of jobs for bowmen.
40
Good points, and I bet the author would agree with you.
Civility is the glue of society because it is based upon the fundamental respect for the other as a fellow human being. If we allow contempt and rancor to replace 'good manners' and the desire for societal peace, that rancor and contempt will ultimately destroy both our very personhood and the society which nourishes us.
9
Did any of these events really happen? They sound like an opportunity for the author to flaunt her privilege and sneer down her nose at people working security and passport control, a "well-groomed" black woman (well-groomed like a dog?), and a shop assistant only doing her job. I was waiting for her to ask for Grey Poupon and then observe that good help is so hard to find..
14
Ms. Cusk seems to have both an acerbic tongue and a thin skin. She feels she is a victim in many situation when she is the one who holds the power. This is the precise and contemptuous combination of traits that characterize Trump.
9
Does a beautifully written piece of meanness count as beautifully written? You lost me when you watched the woman and her child have their carefully and appropriately packaged belongings confiscated. The sneering, judgmental eye you have for everyone very nearly guarantees you will have challenging interactions with everyone. You take my breath away. Like the song says, try a little kindness.
16
I enjoyed this essay as a relief from the blunt language of other articles detailing the deaths from violence, the threats from conflicts long unresolved, the challenges to power and identity that infuse daily lives now that the middle ground has fallen to "Be with me or be counted my enemy" philosophies.
The author's description of the war between those who are comfortable with the subtle use of words as weapons and those who hear in that fluency the ultimate insult to them, their lack of opportunities and their reality is brilliant.
The success in the US of a man who does not read and who communicates by tweets was liberating to others whose media choices are visual or for sounds loud enough to hear over the background of physical action; he has given permission to many to be "loud and proud" as well as rude. Conversations generally confined to the early hours of a long night of drinking have become daytime TV. Showing the good manners of previous times is now a reason for bullying and name-calling one's liberal opponents. They are weak for having manners at all say the dominant of the new administration.
And as Rachel Cusk point out, those for whom good manners are still important, still "something to navigate by", protesting the rudeness or the lack of good manners is difficult and rarely achieves the intended result unless one is a male painter with a great stare! Let us follow her example. Be more polite; be more clever; use our words to call for action.
The author's description of the war between those who are comfortable with the subtle use of words as weapons and those who hear in that fluency the ultimate insult to them, their lack of opportunities and their reality is brilliant.
The success in the US of a man who does not read and who communicates by tweets was liberating to others whose media choices are visual or for sounds loud enough to hear over the background of physical action; he has given permission to many to be "loud and proud" as well as rude. Conversations generally confined to the early hours of a long night of drinking have become daytime TV. Showing the good manners of previous times is now a reason for bullying and name-calling one's liberal opponents. They are weak for having manners at all say the dominant of the new administration.
And as Rachel Cusk point out, those for whom good manners are still important, still "something to navigate by", protesting the rudeness or the lack of good manners is difficult and rarely achieves the intended result unless one is a male painter with a great stare! Let us follow her example. Be more polite; be more clever; use our words to call for action.
9
Uh huh -- I agree. And I would have taken his name and badge number and reported him. That gets their attention. I am also a privileged white women who gets involved. So sick of dummies who have control over me. Also being a prominent attorney and over 60, I have decided that NO ONE has control of me, and I mean no one, especially a nincompoop in an airport. I have talked back to TSA people, police officers, doctors, surgeons -- you name it. I don't care. I'm too old to not do the right thing. I've seen it all.
My biggest problem is that I know I am old enough to be their grandmama -- but I look to be about 45 - so they are probably more disrespectful than if I showed my true age. And I still don't give a fig.
My biggest problem is that I know I am old enough to be their grandmama -- but I look to be about 45 - so they are probably more disrespectful than if I showed my true age. And I still don't give a fig.
4
What a bizarre piece - for all of the author's professed obsession over language, it's ironic how she cannot translate her father's last few words into even a modicum of self-reflection, for as she so profoundly states, "there are two sides to every story." Judging from this article, he seems much closer to the truth in his terse assessment than the author's pathological need to identify as a victim that's hardly disguised by her verbosity or self-righteousness.
8
Very interesting and timely article. Like the writer, and in similar circumstances, I've learned the hard way from my family that the truth is often a very threatening and destabilizing thing for other people to hear. They'd rather insult you than ask why you feel the way you do, or what they can do to help. It can be very painful and bewildering to be on the receiving end of this kind of rudeness, and I think it's brave of the writer to discuss it here.
It could be a generational thing, too. I've noticed that older people such as Trump often can get away with appalling rudeness, while younger people cannot. I think politeness is a tool. Sincerity -true feeling for another person's feelings and ideas - is another thing altogether. Aiming to be more polite as far as I understand it means aiming to play the game of social interaction a little more wisely than in the past. That said, I think the truth is extremely valuable and worth taking risks for most if not all of the time.
It could be a generational thing, too. I've noticed that older people such as Trump often can get away with appalling rudeness, while younger people cannot. I think politeness is a tool. Sincerity -true feeling for another person's feelings and ideas - is another thing altogether. Aiming to be more polite as far as I understand it means aiming to play the game of social interaction a little more wisely than in the past. That said, I think the truth is extremely valuable and worth taking risks for most if not all of the time.
4
Hmmm, the Times couldn't find an American to write this article? Probably not. Our airport people, especially Customs, are such models of politeness and caring. Probably no American reading this could grasp the behavior of those Brits. We go to Costco and other crowded shops, and no one is rude, no one thinking of just themselves. Ah, no Brexit for us. Just a new president who everyone loves. They've seen his TV show, you know, the one where he shows people their need to focus on alternative work...what about him would cause rudeness?
5
Maybe they they weren't looking for one; maybe the author pitched the story and the editors accepted. There is an American satirist who wrote an entire book about horrible customer service experiences at airports, dining establishments, galleries, on buses, in court, at the post office, at stores. The book is "Letters from Mrs. Grundy." It makes observations on race, class, and culture and comes out March 1. It is endorsed by New York Times bestsellers Dave Eggers and Tracie McMillan. I wrote it.
Great essay, but - Can we kindly stop referring to "liberal elites" in all forms in every article related to opinions? This expression is being nailed on to every discussion of everything, as though it meant anything. It doesn't. It was invented by right-wingers, to start with. It's both a pejorative and a derogatory term used to dismiss all liberal views. It suggests privilege and disassociation from the world. The alternative term is "people". As for "deplorables", it was tact incarnate.
9
Amen!
After reading about all the rude people the author ran into, I am reminded of an old joke: If you meet one a__hole during any given day, you are probably correct that he was an a__hole. If you run into THREE a__holes in one day, YOU'RE the a__hole.
28
"we're all doing the best we can"
could we be doing it better sometimes? yes. are there days when I just can't muster being the better person and turning the other cheek? yes. are there days when its just easier to move about the world without interaction? yes.
but this isn't what makes for humanity. being gracious comes easier for some people and others of us have to work at it. we're all works in progress.
at the same time we shouldn't be afraid to call out others when we see rudeness in front of us. in fact, maybe it makes sense to bear witness to such incidences as a third party observer, rather than as recipient? just as we recommend calling out the bully on the playground or becoming an immediate ally to someone who is seemingly victimized, perhaps we should share our graciousness with those who need our immediate support?
"when we choose to ignore injustice, or inappropriate behavior for that matter, we are standing on the side of the oppressor".
I guess, for me, at the end of the day, I'd rather follow this mantra and be alone with my integrity than go along to get along.
could we be doing it better sometimes? yes. are there days when I just can't muster being the better person and turning the other cheek? yes. are there days when its just easier to move about the world without interaction? yes.
but this isn't what makes for humanity. being gracious comes easier for some people and others of us have to work at it. we're all works in progress.
at the same time we shouldn't be afraid to call out others when we see rudeness in front of us. in fact, maybe it makes sense to bear witness to such incidences as a third party observer, rather than as recipient? just as we recommend calling out the bully on the playground or becoming an immediate ally to someone who is seemingly victimized, perhaps we should share our graciousness with those who need our immediate support?
"when we choose to ignore injustice, or inappropriate behavior for that matter, we are standing on the side of the oppressor".
I guess, for me, at the end of the day, I'd rather follow this mantra and be alone with my integrity than go along to get along.
2
Where is her analysis based on theory? From Christian values, from Ancient Greek philosophy, from Western Civilization, from her social standing? She attempts to draw on her elite education to make sense, but at the end I feel she left us on the island of Lord of the Flies.
2
In the opening example of this article what strikes me is that the author has made some classist judgments of her own..that the man is wearing a cheap tie, a uniform of the working class, his physical ugliness, that the man she speaks of is working what seems like the dreariest kind of job, the job that people who lack the 'right' education and pedigree can only get...the author who has the privilege and luxury of traveling alone is utterly indifferent to her own prejudices that are a symptom of the class differences between these two people. The man may be rude, but the author is callous.
16
Is it me or did the author judge an entire class of workers based on their clothes? Hopefully the next time she needs to ride a bus or rent a car, the uniforms will be up to her standards. I recommend meditation and yoga. It really helps with generalized irritability.
18
In love with this piece. Thank you for your words!
This essay is too long.
The author turned me off: so self-righteous and condescending. I skimmed to the end and saw "Jesus", and threw my hands up.
The author turned me off: so self-righteous and condescending. I skimmed to the end and saw "Jesus", and threw my hands up.
10
So. Rachel Cusk. Famous writer of literary fiction. My first encounter with. Albeit via a non-fiction piece.
Having read it, I have the sense that it doesn't matter what she goes on about; her signature style is the actual subject; it's either one's cup of tea or it isn't.
I like Ms. Cusk's wordy, Poliakoff-esque way with words and sentences. A felicitous blend of inner dialogue and stream of consciousness. We don't get a lot of it on this side of the pond. In our literary fiction. Says I.
Having read it, I have the sense that it doesn't matter what she goes on about; her signature style is the actual subject; it's either one's cup of tea or it isn't.
I like Ms. Cusk's wordy, Poliakoff-esque way with words and sentences. A felicitous blend of inner dialogue and stream of consciousness. We don't get a lot of it on this side of the pond. In our literary fiction. Says I.
6
In the authors view rudeness seems to be mostly, although not exclusively, behavior that she does not like.
I do agree that unfortunately many people feel that telling the truth is rude in all circumstances. Of course, it might be rude in a purely social situation to blurt out an unattractive truth but truth in the service of good government is a duty. That is why I say unfortunate. We have gotten to the point wherein one group of people bows in the face of ugly truths and simply walks away so not to be "rude" while the perpetrators of the ungly truths glory is how easy it is to cow these silly people of manners.
The shop assistant was doing her job. A little compassion would have gone a long way. I guess what I'm saying is that we may all be angry at something or someone or even the circumstances of the world but we must be careful no to take that anger out of the wrong people...that is the people who cannot defend themselves or the people who have no control over the source or cause of our anger.
I do agree that unfortunately many people feel that telling the truth is rude in all circumstances. Of course, it might be rude in a purely social situation to blurt out an unattractive truth but truth in the service of good government is a duty. That is why I say unfortunate. We have gotten to the point wherein one group of people bows in the face of ugly truths and simply walks away so not to be "rude" while the perpetrators of the ungly truths glory is how easy it is to cow these silly people of manners.
The shop assistant was doing her job. A little compassion would have gone a long way. I guess what I'm saying is that we may all be angry at something or someone or even the circumstances of the world but we must be careful no to take that anger out of the wrong people...that is the people who cannot defend themselves or the people who have no control over the source or cause of our anger.
4
Ms. Cusk should hardly have been surprised at her encounter in the London store. It proved that when you overlay the typical contempt inherent in British retail service with management-scripted "niceness" all you get is more contempt. The assistant not only had to pay attention to the client, she had to go out of her way to be of service! Appalling that the customer then declined to buy anything!
Well, it wasn't just "Yersss? Wotcha want?"
Well, it wasn't just "Yersss? Wotcha want?"
2
I believe she was referring to the experience of being pounced upon crossing the threshold into a shop by a clerk who wont take no for an answer, wont give you a chance to contemplate the merchandise at your own pace, and generally sticks too close and wont shut up. "No,", doesnt mean 'No." Wnen your strongest memory af a shopping experience is of trying to find the exit and suddenly no help available, you dont go back. The British, too often, still cant quite get the hang of "customer service."
2
Perhaps this would be a better (and shorter) essay if the writer had cited some research about rudeness instead of a purely "me-centered" saga.
A lack of empathy and sympathy for others creates opportunities for rudeness. The author lost much of my sympathy when she demeaned a security guard by ridiculing his clothing.
A lack of empathy and sympathy for others creates opportunities for rudeness. The author lost much of my sympathy when she demeaned a security guard by ridiculing his clothing.
9
An interesting article--if rather long--for a time when so many people don't know how to behave. Decorum fading in press, politics &c. Too bad; it won't work, simply because disrespect produces disrespect--except in cases like yr painter friend. A single particular comment: have you read Clinton's speech? The 'basket of deplorables' denote deplorable people, whose vote she neither wanted nor needed: not want or need: "You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump's supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. ...The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic -- you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people -- now how 11 million. He tweets and retweets their offensive hateful mean-spirited rhetoric. Now, some of those folks -- they are irredeemable, but thankfully they are not America. But the other basket -- and I know this because I see friends from all over America here -- I see friends from Florida and Georgia and South Carolina and Texas -- as well as, you know, New York and California -- but that other basket of people are people who feel that the government has let them down..."
4
Reading this reminds me of why it's so important to be kind and empathetic--especially to people in service roles. Sometimes when someone is upset it's because they've been put through hell and are in need of some care. What's being judged as rudeness may be a simple outward indication of an inner sense of alienation and disconnection. I've noticed that simple respect, a concern for how the other person is doing, human-to-human consideration can transform interactions and brighten things up and heal.
16
It's unfortunate that sales assistants are forced to be rude to customers by hovering over them like the one in this story. When one starts to hover and ask me a lot of questions, I always politely respond that I'm just looking, that I'm fine by myself. Ignoring my response and continuing to ask questions is rude. The insistence on standing there, watching me look at things is rude. I understand that store managers force employees to do that. I remember these places and don't go back in them again.
8
I have found that rudeness is the least of the problems we're dealing with in America. There are people who relish being cruel to others on social media, in person, or whenever they are in charge. It's disheartening to watch and, for me, difficult to read because the vicious language used obliterates the original meaning of what was said while escalating everyone else's disgust and willingness to hit back with the same language or worse.
Politeness, even when we don't like each other or disagree, is a better solution. Why write or toss in the f word or an exceedingly rude sexual expression? It accomplishes nothing. Manners are one of the methods humans use to survive with each other. Saying please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry, are you okay, may I help you: these are not expressions of subjugation. Saying these things helps us to get along during the day in crowded spaces, when we inadvertently brush against each other, or as an acknowledgement of the other person's existence.
Part of being an adult is having manners, controlling one's temper, saying "I'm sorry" even if one is not at fault, holding the door, whatever. It's easy to dislike a person and be rude. Being polite and acting like an adult when the person in front of one is being rude or someone one dislikes is harder. However, it's better than hurting each other.
Politeness, even when we don't like each other or disagree, is a better solution. Why write or toss in the f word or an exceedingly rude sexual expression? It accomplishes nothing. Manners are one of the methods humans use to survive with each other. Saying please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry, are you okay, may I help you: these are not expressions of subjugation. Saying these things helps us to get along during the day in crowded spaces, when we inadvertently brush against each other, or as an acknowledgement of the other person's existence.
Part of being an adult is having manners, controlling one's temper, saying "I'm sorry" even if one is not at fault, holding the door, whatever. It's easy to dislike a person and be rude. Being polite and acting like an adult when the person in front of one is being rude or someone one dislikes is harder. However, it's better than hurting each other.
189
You're entire comment is a bundle of contradictions: using the F-word or sexually "inappropriate" language isn't equivalent to being cruel or denigrating. Narcissism is the problem and is on the rise in American society. Narcissists are good at getting the little things right: to avoid opprobrium, they've stopped insulting waiters and waitresses and have even started throwing in extra "pleases" and "thank yous." But ask a narcissist to stick up for you, or respect your trust or confidences, or to show some modicum of genuine concern for or loyalty to others, and they fail miserably. Professionalism, manners, politeness, and "apologizing even when it's not [one's] fault," don't correct or avoid the cruel and degrading treatment Narcissists dish out upon the people around them. Standing up to them, holding them accountable, abiding by one's own sense of right and wrong, and ignoring narcissists are the ways to address this breakdown in civility.
2
The f-word can accomplish quite a bit. There's a brilliant essay out there on the interwebz about how it's one of the most versatile words in the English language. By all means, avoid it if it's not your style. And if you don't find an essayist who uses it convincing, that's your right. But please climb off your high horse in assuming its use is always incompatible with "manners."
4
Beautifully said. Thank you.
"Now that he has won this victory, I want him to use it to reprimand her, not just for her behavior toward the black woman in the queue but for all the wrongs her behavior represents; for the fact that it’s safer to be him, and always has been. He does not reprimand her. He smiles at her politely."
There is a vast difference between telling someone what to do and modeling the behavior that is appropriate. Had he reprimanded her, lectured her, he would not have had half so much effect as he did by being pleasant.
As an attorney and mediator, I often find myself dealing with people who are not very happy, and who certainly lack control over their own lives--and that includes judges and marshals as well as criminal defendants and litigants in matters ranging from contract issues to divorce.
Dealing with them *as if* they were being pleasant is often more effective than anything else. Remember the biblical injunction is to treat others not as they DO treat us, but as we WOULD HAVE them treat us.
Show, don't tell.
There is a vast difference between telling someone what to do and modeling the behavior that is appropriate. Had he reprimanded her, lectured her, he would not have had half so much effect as he did by being pleasant.
As an attorney and mediator, I often find myself dealing with people who are not very happy, and who certainly lack control over their own lives--and that includes judges and marshals as well as criminal defendants and litigants in matters ranging from contract issues to divorce.
Dealing with them *as if* they were being pleasant is often more effective than anything else. Remember the biblical injunction is to treat others not as they DO treat us, but as we WOULD HAVE them treat us.
Show, don't tell.
364
Thank you. When I arrive in a wheelchair with two bags and a ticket bought four hours ago I try to arrive four hours early. Sometimes it is just twenty minutes thru inspection, sometimes it is an hour. Most of the time it is considerate but sometimes it is rude and quite unpleasant. I try to remember why my dad was a legendary trial lawyer. He was extra considerate of the judge and jurors hostile to his client, especially if they were unfair.
Dad said anyone should be able to win a case that is clear and welcomed by everyone. But he said the more unfair and illogical the court or jury the more he had to model and elicit the behavior and clarity and fairness he needed for his client.
So I put extra effort into consideration for the rude or hostile. If they are taking everything apart I say how safe I feel with their careful vetting. If they are doing their best, it helps their attitude. If they enjoy being rude, it takes away their fun without being threatening to their ego. (It helps that my is retired army.)
I will copy this and carry a miniature with me the next time I am arriving with a one way ticket bought at the last minute. :- /
Dad said anyone should be able to win a case that is clear and welcomed by everyone. But he said the more unfair and illogical the court or jury the more he had to model and elicit the behavior and clarity and fairness he needed for his client.
So I put extra effort into consideration for the rude or hostile. If they are taking everything apart I say how safe I feel with their careful vetting. If they are doing their best, it helps their attitude. If they enjoy being rude, it takes away their fun without being threatening to their ego. (It helps that my is retired army.)
I will copy this and carry a miniature with me the next time I am arriving with a one way ticket bought at the last minute. :- /
5
Cusk's telling shows -- shows that she had appreciated exactly your point. When she rebukes the passport-control waiting-area attendant, she is rebuked in return. Her travelling companion does not rebuke. He accepts, he offers respect and lovingkindness, he evokes help rather than backlash. That is what Cusk shows in these bookmatched parables, shows by telling.
4
The black woman's behaviour was just fine. If she had done what the white male did, it is my view that the airport employee would have challenged her anyway. The incident as presented was a realistic and accurate portrayal of how things unfold in reality.
2
Loved it. I got hooked especially by the part about airports...
Personnel at the airports is not acting that way. They're (most of them) chosen that way: rude, bully, abusive. All these features are then reinforced by the fact that: 1. they're in charge, in a public security situation, and 2. we are tired and scared (of being stopped or delayed, for example). We just want to reach our final destination. The result is that they treat us with contempt, as if we were begging.
This is a closed system with its own rules, which they dictate, and we pass for the rude ones... just by addressing them. Who do we think we are, human beings or something?
And, I'm talking about US airports - well before Trump.
Personnel at the airports is not acting that way. They're (most of them) chosen that way: rude, bully, abusive. All these features are then reinforced by the fact that: 1. they're in charge, in a public security situation, and 2. we are tired and scared (of being stopped or delayed, for example). We just want to reach our final destination. The result is that they treat us with contempt, as if we were begging.
This is a closed system with its own rules, which they dictate, and we pass for the rude ones... just by addressing them. Who do we think we are, human beings or something?
And, I'm talking about US airports - well before Trump.
97
Have you flown into Atlanta on an international flight? The friendliness of the customs agents and TSA agents there is like a cup of cold water on a hot day. I looked one smiling agent right in the eyes and said, "It's so good to be home." She said, "We hear that a lot!" I'll bet they do.
3
This is absolute poetry and touches me (and many like me, I'm sure) in a very deep and meaningful way. I have been flummoxed at the level of rudeness we've embraced culturally, startled by my own failings in this department as of late, and worried that we are on some sick carousel that's only making us sicker. Sometimes I envy those who, by choice or nature, can ignore the complexities of these worlds that we occupy and simply go about their business, rose-coloreds and all. And I don't think this skill is necessarily reserved for, or derives from, privilege. It's a gift that, right about now, I could really use.
Thank you for such a clear depiction of your agony, and mine.
Thank you for such a clear depiction of your agony, and mine.
155
Rude behavior can be irritating. Equally irritating are precious manners.
It is difficult to interpret someone as being rude without context, especially intent. The author's father said that she was "full of shit.” Was it because she was being stubborn, close-minded, or smug? We don't know.
Jobs that involve customer interaction (i.e. salesperson, airport security) usually provide training on how to talk to customers, which depersonalizes communication. It should also be noted, rude bosses usually manage rude staff.
It is difficult to interpret someone as being rude without context, especially intent. The author's father said that she was "full of shit.” Was it because she was being stubborn, close-minded, or smug? We don't know.
Jobs that involve customer interaction (i.e. salesperson, airport security) usually provide training on how to talk to customers, which depersonalizes communication. It should also be noted, rude bosses usually manage rude staff.
19
A brief second note, now that I've had a chance to read some other comments: Where a few readers here apparently saw authorial arrogance (as well as poor editing), I confess I saw only rigorous self-examination as the path toward better seeing others (and exquisite sketches of painful human moments, connected by a progressively developed argument for a fragile kind of hope).
318
This. Thank you.
Agree. Though I must confess better editing would have helped. Good piece nonetheless as I personally find myself struggling with the same experiences as the writer.
The problem is that the episode with the airport inspector sets the tone for the entire piece. True to that tone, the author delves ever-more-deeply into SELF-examination (ultimately shielding herself with a sense of propriety), never once glancing back to empathize with those she continues (as far as we know) to see as her inferiors.
I like to think that rudeness is a moral hygiene problem that can be alleviated somewhat by public awareness. Perhaps we should all ask ourselves, before unleashing rude impulses in moments of frustration and helplessness, if we are damaging our own dignity when we assail another's. Ask ourselves if that dirty, tiny bit of immediate gratification rudeness might give us is worth the price. We are each the keeper of our own dignity.
42
This is the second piece designated for the Times Magazine in which I've seen language that I didn't think the Times allowed in print. Have I missed something? Speaking of rudeness, these comment sections have gotten much ruder in the last year, or year and a half or so. I am surprised and disappointed by this, and would prefer the Times return to the kind of moderation it used previously.
16
I wonder if the NYT intentionally wants more edgy comments to attract more readership. But, then again, edgy begets edgy...
1
I found this article gripping but frustrating because of its strange lack of commonsense – it seemed lost in relativity. The incident in the shop – ironically it would have been courteous to have helped the assistant do her job (how fortunate the writer was to come across someone actually assiduous – a rarity when, as she accurately observes, rudeness often seems to be the norm). I would simply have smiled and said, “I’m fine for the moment,” leaving it open that I might need the assistance she was unusually offering.
Also, the incredible effectiveness of the writer’s partner’s handling of the sadistic airport employee – how on earth did he manage it? It seemed miraculous – in such a long article it was frustrating not to have learned how on earth he achieved this – was it conscious? Strategised? Instinctive?
The guy at the desk at the opening of the article was a bully – it was great and courageous that the writer challenged him and unfortunate that he was inveterate, but everyone in the queue would have silently applauded her and should have supported her. It was strange that the writer even questioned the rights and wrongs of what happened. Bullies are intrinsically demoralising – that was all that happened.
Also, no – Brexit voters do not regret their decision – if anything, it is an enormous relief that Theresa May has had the courage and integrity to implement the leave vote so firmly
Also, the incredible effectiveness of the writer’s partner’s handling of the sadistic airport employee – how on earth did he manage it? It seemed miraculous – in such a long article it was frustrating not to have learned how on earth he achieved this – was it conscious? Strategised? Instinctive?
The guy at the desk at the opening of the article was a bully – it was great and courageous that the writer challenged him and unfortunate that he was inveterate, but everyone in the queue would have silently applauded her and should have supported her. It was strange that the writer even questioned the rights and wrongs of what happened. Bullies are intrinsically demoralising – that was all that happened.
Also, no – Brexit voters do not regret their decision – if anything, it is an enormous relief that Theresa May has had the courage and integrity to implement the leave vote so firmly
10
How can you be so supremely certain that they do not regret their vote?
YOU don't. But THEM? You cannot possibly know what changes of heart have occurred.
I've seen articles /polls which show a lot of regrets.
YOU don't. But THEM? You cannot possibly know what changes of heart have occurred.
I've seen articles /polls which show a lot of regrets.
7
Though the author speaks to a dislike of "rudeness" she lacks the empathy to truly remove herself from the offensive side. I feel bad for the shopkeeper. So many times I've asked guests how the day is going and I get a "fine" with a tight lip and no inquiry as to how my day has been. I get berated and yelled at all the time when people who believe I am below them think I'm not helping, just because they aren't getting exactly what they want. My genuine interest then dips below and I begin to feel unappreciated. Maybe ask yourself why you didn't want to know how her day was going, or at least have the common decency to engage with someone who was clearly all alone in a shop. When was the last time you took a minute to thank those in "plain" uniforms for all their work? In a world where we are all trying to succeed why belittle those who have a different job than you? Is it perhaps your perception that service workers are lesser than you that is skewing your idea of rudeness? Reflect and perhaps it's you that continues the cycle.
96
LOL. The writer IS reflecting. That is why she has included her own sins for you to seize upon and berate her for. Any writer could simply have omitted those parts and you would never have known, would you. You'd be manipulated into thinking the rudeness only went one way, and sympathizing with the writer; instead the writer is spelling out for you that sometimes one can be rude without realizing it even while judging others for being rude. The one who needs to reflect for rudely sitting in judgment is you.
So much pretension in this article, it is nauseating.
182
Spoken like a New Yorker, Art. Have a nice day!
The writer's pretension borders on rudeness for taking up so much of a reader's time with a lot of navel gazing instead of broader insight. The writer also assumes her readers agree with her take on Christianity which is beyond rudeness, verging into discrimination. She probably finds this comment rude.
2
That's very rude.
3
"There’s no need to be rude, I say to the man in the packed hall at passport control."
It's a matter of having power, even in a pathetic way. As we are losing more and more control of our lives, being reduced to anonymous drones by overregulation and overbearing and threatening authorities approaching an inhumane totalitarian state, weak individuals will gravitate to any position of "power" they can use to prop up their egos. That is almost invariably the problem when police abuse of power occurs as well. Strong individuals who are sure of their own personal stature won't need that.
It's a matter of having power, even in a pathetic way. As we are losing more and more control of our lives, being reduced to anonymous drones by overregulation and overbearing and threatening authorities approaching an inhumane totalitarian state, weak individuals will gravitate to any position of "power" they can use to prop up their egos. That is almost invariably the problem when police abuse of power occurs as well. Strong individuals who are sure of their own personal stature won't need that.
31
what a wonderful piece of writing! this articulates so well what I have felt in different situations, personal and public. thank you for throwing a light on this, ms cusk. I do believe we would all benefit by thinking about the impact of our words before we speak/write. there is so much ugliness everywhere. a little calm introspection can't hurt, can it?
and I absolutely agree with your conclusion: "It strikes me that good manners would be the thing to aim for in the current situation. I have made a resolution, which is to be more polite." I started doing that some time ago. my own first baby step: taking a deep breath or two before allowing words to randomly mix in with emotion and spill out. it works with customer service on the phone at least.
and I absolutely agree with your conclusion: "It strikes me that good manners would be the thing to aim for in the current situation. I have made a resolution, which is to be more polite." I started doing that some time ago. my own first baby step: taking a deep breath or two before allowing words to randomly mix in with emotion and spill out. it works with customer service on the phone at least.
16
I, too, stopped reading after the author's elitist, condescending remarks about her target's uniform and his station in life and her self-congratulatory description of herself.
119
It's a shame you stopped reading. You missed an excellent essay.
36
When roughly half the population is accused of being "elite", as has become commonplace in political discourse in the US and now the UK, the so-called elite can only say, "I do not think that word means what you think it means."
7
I too, that was my boyfriend's uniform at his security guard job that he really respects !
2
I had a recent "rudeness" experience. At a temporary job that I took for fun, I was set upon by a new assistant manager during my lunch break. Absorbed in my book, I'd not realized she was speaking to me. Once I realized that she was addressing me. my somewhat bewildered response did not satisfy her. She suddenly announced forcefully, "You are RUDE. You are so RUDE." At that, I stood up, told her she need not be concerned with me ever again, removed my workplace garb, and walked out the door. In retrospect, I see that the unjustified accusation of "rudeness" made me more angry than the poor working conditions, ineffective management, surprise overtime, paltry pay, and unreasonable expectations. Take this job and shove it was great fun!
What an extraordinary essay! Brilliantly thought, gorgeously written. Thank you, Ms. Cusk.
128
Clearly it wasn't the editors who made this piece an "editor's choice," as it is a perfect example of an author who desperately needed an editor. Why examine a philosophical conundrum in five paragraphs when you can write fifty repetitive ones? I'm a voracious reader and I had to stop halfway through.
226
I found every word necessary
45
Maybe you would prefer that the article were simply condensed into a tweet? Why write even five paragraphs when 21st century "readers" have neither the attention nor the capacity to digest more than 140 characters at a time?
2
Cusk nailed the itch that I've been wanting to scratch! One of the best NYTimes articles in years!
3
Brava, Ms Cusk, I recognized your voice in these words even before I saw your name. Thank you for expressing so beautifully what many of us feel but lack the words to say.
43
The world and society appears to get ruder by the day. Just read the unmoderated comments about anything political on Facebook or the Wall Street Journal (The Times' comments are moderated.) It's a shame, but we all put up with it. Where this rudeness will end I have not a clue. Sadly. And yes, the TSA and in general anyone with faux power at the airport are typically prime examples.
48
The Wall Street Journal is pro-Trump; recently fired a good writer who wasn't.
Owned by Murdoch,I believe?
Enough said........
Owned by Murdoch,I believe?
Enough said........
3
I often wonder how I would feel shoehorned into a confined space never built for security stations, staring at screens or scanners or people all day long, confronted by people who are frustrated by what I am doing and what flying has become. What's more, how would I feel when confronted by some passengers who surely feel superior to me and ridicule my role or job? I am nit certain I would do as well as some of the TSA folks.
1
This piece needed editing. It was way too long, rambling and lacking focus. I'm not being rude. I am commenting as a paid subscriber and professional writer who just spent the time to read this entire piece. I'd hoped this piece would enlighten about our common humanity and it veered off into talk about politics.
332
...but you can tell she got an A in English.
2
It is a precise accounting of the inner and outer experience of a widely felt but difficult to recognize phenomenon. Read like Dostoevsky.
7
I liked its length, its depth, its dissection of events with the scalpel of introspection. I'm grateful Ms. Cusk wrote at length.
When a piece is too long for you or doesn't meet your preconceptions as to what you would have had the author say, you're always free to stop reading. No need to continue simply because you've paid a subscription fee.
When a piece is too long for you or doesn't meet your preconceptions as to what you would have had the author say, you're always free to stop reading. No need to continue simply because you've paid a subscription fee.
7
Excellent reading, very timely and poignant!
26
The author make many good points regarding rudeness and its motivations. Unfortunately, the piece is poorly structured, rambling and repetitive. The piece would have benefitted from a thorough edit.
180
You are looking for a treatise on rudeness. For that, please refer to psychology journals. This essay was a confession about the experience of rudeness.
2
Well, you may be right. I find, however, that the structure of this essay -- from your standpoint "rambling and repetitive" -- handsomely complements the author's wrestle to define rudeness, and to understand it. She circles back. She approaches it from a different direction. She muses. She is uncertain.
Perhaps a lapidary answer to "What is rudeness, and what are its uses?" is not possible for some of us.
Perhaps a lapidary answer to "What is rudeness, and what are its uses?" is not possible for some of us.
7
Wow. I feel this ugliness as a waitress. I had a table so mean and angry the other day I wondered if they might strangle me. I returned as much graciousness and kindness that I could. It's strange and sad. I remind myself that all things pass. Whether or not you like me being courteous and kind shows your morality. Instead of going to church with false piety try being kind, giving loving. So unbearably tired right now.
426
There is a story about Lincoln.
After being berated by a man and not returning tit for tat, his friend asked him why he put up with it.
Lincoln said, "why should his behavior determine mine?"
After being berated by a man and not returning tit for tat, his friend asked him why he put up with it.
Lincoln said, "why should his behavior determine mine?"
13
I have been working as a retail pharmacist for the past 28 years now and those of us in healthcare are being increasingly treated with the same rudeness and contempt from customers and others we deal with daily -- I hear this from nurses, X-ray and lab technicians, even some physicians (physicians have the good fortune of being in the position of being able to refuse to see a patient who continues to act with rude or abusive manners). It is not just those who work with the public in fields of lesser educational requirements or status (or wear tacky polyester uniforms) who are regularly subject to rude behaviour from others.
4
This article initially appealed to me, but after having read the first few paragraphs, I decided it was authored by a snob. End of article for me.
230
My sentiments precisely. The subtle jabs and arrogant judgments she makes towards pretty much everyone, even the "victims" of rudeness (pointing out "a well groomed black woman" is meant to connote that if she were a not well-groomed, as a black woman, she might then reasonably endure the animus of the security worker?) are incredible.
3
Actually, Floating, I did not take her meaning to be that (or only that?). She was juxtaposing a woman who to her eyes was ugly, uncouth, inferior (the security agent) to one on which the author projects ner values (the passenger). The author did not, and still does not, have any empathy with the security agent, who certainly got her comeuppance by the author's superior traveling companion.
The article does make some good points about rudeness but, REALLY... this woman should reread what she wrote. We do not know about the degree of parental cruelty that may have led to the estrangement from her parents, or whether there were provocations on her side also. But her description of her mother echoes her descriptions of the female security agent and the male passport hall attendant. She thinks she has a great deal of self-awareness but she--like we--had better keep working at it.
The article does make some good points about rudeness but, REALLY... this woman should reread what she wrote. We do not know about the degree of parental cruelty that may have led to the estrangement from her parents, or whether there were provocations on her side also. But her description of her mother echoes her descriptions of the female security agent and the male passport hall attendant. She thinks she has a great deal of self-awareness but she--like we--had better keep working at it.
1
The man was right, you were the rude one, you decided to correct his behavior and then made fun of him by writing about how his clothing choices, which were made by bosses.
Then your traveling companion could not be bothered to learn or follow the rules of flying in today's world, so instead debated those rules with the security officer and wasted her time - and everyone else's waiting on line - all because he and his needs are 'special'.
Anyone who actually works for a living can tell you the reason so many workers are rude is because they are overworked, overwhelmed, and underpaid. Why? Because their workplace is woefully understaffed and bosses keep all the money for themselves, because they too are 'special'.
Then your traveling companion could not be bothered to learn or follow the rules of flying in today's world, so instead debated those rules with the security officer and wasted her time - and everyone else's waiting on line - all because he and his needs are 'special'.
Anyone who actually works for a living can tell you the reason so many workers are rude is because they are overworked, overwhelmed, and underpaid. Why? Because their workplace is woefully understaffed and bosses keep all the money for themselves, because they too are 'special'.
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The argument is specious. The airport official called the author rude - obviously - before she had "made fun of him" by writing this piece. Perhaps it would not have been written had he treated travelers with more respect and dignity. He brought the karmic payback on himself. Moreover, the argument seems to rely on the dangerous and anti-social proposition that bad behavior, no matter how appalling, must not be criticized.
4
You've hit the nail on the head with the observation on her travel companion! It feels as though there has been a shift in recent years towards the attitude "My needs are exceptional and the rules don't apply to me." It was interesting that the author didn't notice this bit of rudeness in her friend.
6
No,he did NOT debate the rules.He remained silent.
7
The author's painter friend struck just the right notes. A kind and calm response to rage can take a person by surprise just long enough to defuse a tense, toxic situation. And the shift in atmosphere may help to change the way that person responds to an anger trigger the next time.
83
So poignant and timely! Thank you!
17
How strange! I routinely travel the airplanes. The author finds rude government employees all around her everytine she flies. I've rrely met any of those rude agents. I've met a lot of rude passengers though that like to harrase the security staff. The man was right it is rude to comment on a stranger's "rudeness,"
I see this story as one of the basic rueness and hatered for those wha are not just like her. I can't see why this was published.
I see this story as one of the basic rueness and hatered for those wha are not just like her. I can't see why this was published.
54
In Los Angeles, one must be careful to avoid getting shot. Keep that in mind. The most polite people live in the most dangerous, economically challenged areas - their lives depend on it.
38
The writer seems to be conflating empathy and language in a way that is confusing. Understanding the other person's motivation and why they speak as they do is different from politeness which is to merely acknowledge the humanity of your interlocutor.
33
How about "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?
I'm not religious, but this maxim seems like a good starting point.
I'm not religious, but this maxim seems like a good starting point.
51
Great article, thought provoking. Thanks!
8
Please tell me when the "social contract", after having been explicitly broken by liars and bullies who betray the contract, requires politeness.
I eagerly await the specifics and citations to sources.
In fact, I think--no, that is not correct, as a literate American in this day and age I KNOW--an enormous body of research shows the social contract cannot survive the tolerance of liars and bullies who betray the contract ESPECIALLY when it involves who controls state power.
I eagerly await the specifics and citations to sources.
In fact, I think--no, that is not correct, as a literate American in this day and age I KNOW--an enormous body of research shows the social contract cannot survive the tolerance of liars and bullies who betray the contract ESPECIALLY when it involves who controls state power.
29
What a beautiful piece. Thank you.
28
Marvelous. Thank you.
9
I try to be polite but sometimes it is misconstrued as arrogance. People are very edgy and defensive lately. It is sad that we have lost a lot of the civility of exchanging pleasantries and small talk, which used to be a way to establish communication. Even making eye contact is disappearing. Very sad. Lonely too.
63
Refinement, decorum, propriety. These are traditionally in the keeping of conservatives (though politically, conservatives seem to have abandoned this part of their birthright). Liberals offer compassion, concern and kindness as their alternative. More spontaneous, more 'authentic'. Manners exist in part to save us all from a sea of abrasion. I have the deepest respect for both conservative and liberal bases for good manners. I pray for a world where we stop calling each other vile names.
53
I'm surprised at Ms. Cusk that she is so easily offended. I believe manners matter, as well, but perhaps as a kind of graciousness. When the store clerks are sad I like to joke or ask about them. I've never bothered to get mad at someone for being rude because I always thought it was just wasted energy. I had a sister who was very rude but it was a lost cause to complain or try to strike back, as I was younger and stupider than her. I learned not to care. Grownup, my sister used to make my daughter cry -- berating her for such things as not finishing dinner at Christmas. Perhaps I should have defended her but I didn't want a big family fight. My daughter cried very quietly, very civilized, and I used to tell my daughter "Never mind. Your aunt is mean to everyone. She's unhappy." But then when my daughter got to be twelve, she talked back once, which I didn't mind at all, either. People laughed. But my sister cried. I went outside with my sister to help her feel better because I cared about her -- I never thought the big thing was the words, but being family. I told my sister, as many times before, how much I loved her. Then she hit me in the head, threatened me, and her boyfriend grabbed and threatened me. It certainly gave me a lot to think over!! Ha. I had thought words didn't matter -- but all that time I guess they had been leading somewhere. Where is the line between micro-aggression and aggression? But I still think that it's only the actions that matter in the end.
19
Your sister's behavior had nothing to do with rudeness or "microaggressions", and everything to do with mental illness. The bottom line is that you need to set boundaries in a situation like this. You needed to defend your daughter when your sister berated her, rather than "avoiding a big family fight."
The biggest problem with mental illness is the emotional abuse, but the second biggest problem is spouses/family members who enable the abuser because they don't want to rock the boat, or they want to "go along to get along." I am sorry to say this, but yes, your daughter did suffer permanent damage when you told her "never mind" and left it at that. Yes, you needed to explain to her your sister was unwell and that her comments were not meant personally. But you needed to go beyond that: to defend her and set boundaries, such as leaving the dinner if your sister's behavior continued.
The subsequent incident -- your sister hitting you -- only confirms all this. This situation is not normal. It's not about rudeness.
I hope you will have the courage to tell your sister that you're limiting contact with her (and ESPECIALLY limiting your daughter's contact with her) until she gets professional help.
The biggest problem with mental illness is the emotional abuse, but the second biggest problem is spouses/family members who enable the abuser because they don't want to rock the boat, or they want to "go along to get along." I am sorry to say this, but yes, your daughter did suffer permanent damage when you told her "never mind" and left it at that. Yes, you needed to explain to her your sister was unwell and that her comments were not meant personally. But you needed to go beyond that: to defend her and set boundaries, such as leaving the dinner if your sister's behavior continued.
The subsequent incident -- your sister hitting you -- only confirms all this. This situation is not normal. It's not about rudeness.
I hope you will have the courage to tell your sister that you're limiting contact with her (and ESPECIALLY limiting your daughter's contact with her) until she gets professional help.
7
Yeah, I agree with HWMNBN's assessment of the situation. For thirty years, though, I saw this behaviour through the lens of rudeness. I still think about rudeness vs mental illness vs bullying and where it all fits together.
And yes, the whole extended family ended up setting firm boundaries -- which only worked once I threatened to involve the police. I know, though, that with rudeness alone (without the violence) it would have been very hard to set these limits. If I had tried to set limits earlier, I would have ended up fighting painfully with my parents, and maybe lost them at a sensitive time in my life. We all have to balance the risks we're willing to take. I guess I (and my daughter) needed my parents -- at the time they were providing a little money as well as badly needed meals and affection -- more than either of us needed an environment free of the verbal abuse of a largely tertiary, random person. If you confront someone or complain, it can create drama, satisfaction for the attacker, and look bad on you.
However, now when I see rude behaviour by, say, ticket collectors, or even by a police officer, I wonder now, can that person not cope? Is that a sign of mental illness? An indicator for future violence? Sticks and stones can't break your bones but what does that aggression indicate is going through someone's mind??
And yes, the whole extended family ended up setting firm boundaries -- which only worked once I threatened to involve the police. I know, though, that with rudeness alone (without the violence) it would have been very hard to set these limits. If I had tried to set limits earlier, I would have ended up fighting painfully with my parents, and maybe lost them at a sensitive time in my life. We all have to balance the risks we're willing to take. I guess I (and my daughter) needed my parents -- at the time they were providing a little money as well as badly needed meals and affection -- more than either of us needed an environment free of the verbal abuse of a largely tertiary, random person. If you confront someone or complain, it can create drama, satisfaction for the attacker, and look bad on you.
However, now when I see rude behaviour by, say, ticket collectors, or even by a police officer, I wonder now, can that person not cope? Is that a sign of mental illness? An indicator for future violence? Sticks and stones can't break your bones but what does that aggression indicate is going through someone's mind??
2
The writer, in one of the very first paragraphs reveals a clue about herself, after describing "the man wearing the uniform." She writes,"He looks at me, a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led - with loathing." In one of the last paragraphs, the writer resolves to be more polite. I hope the writer also resolves to not only be polite in words, but also in actions and demeanor, as there are also unspoken demonstrations of rudeness, which the writer is oddly unaware of. Does the writer really need to examine whether she is "brave or coward, self-less or self serving", etc.? I think she must know. Perhaps she can simply tape the word, "Empathy" to her mirror, so that she can remind herself each morning, or afternoon or evening, that the world does not revolve around her and her tedious meanderings, or for her amusement.
149
But she is aware of it. I think you missed that part
2
Thank you for this insightful comment, Patricia. The author also reveals the same self at the end of this piece, when she says she is "one who has never been tested." To parse her exquisite writing is to perceive she has (willfully?) mistaken self-indulgence for self-reflection--and, therefore, that her father is right in his "rude" remark. Cutting through the posh phrasing, as he obviously has, her style comes off as some sort of rhetorical pre-emptive strike, as an excuse for an attitude that otherwise reeks of "noblesse oblige." My apologies, though, for not being able to connect with this essay through the empathy that you have rightly cited as what makes us truly mindful.
I stopped reading when I got to "the man is wearing a uniform, though not a very impressive one: a white short-sleeved synthetic shirt, black synthetic trousers, a cheap tie with the airport’s insignia on it.... He looks at me — a woman of 48 traveling alone, a woman who doubtless exhibits some signs of the privileged life she has led...." That reflects as much unmannerliness a la obnoxious elitism as I wish to be exposed to today. Cura te ipsum!
267
You should not criticize an article if you stop reading it after a couple of paragraphs. By doing that you missed the whole point of the article which was in part to analyze why was her first reaction to focus on external appearances. Yes, there was a sense of elitism and condecension but also a willingness to examine that elitism. The same cannot be said for someone who criticizes without bothering to find out if the criticism is warranted,
7
Two comments: First, you were rude by calling out the rudeness of the first man, which, as you say, likely made him angrier and ruder to those coming after you. It accomplished nothing except to make you feel superior. How much more could you have accomplished if you had smiled at him and commented on how busy the airport is?
Second, why didn't you offer to take some of the woman's things? Maybe it hadn't occurred to you to do so, but I hope you will consider it in light of your friend's brilliant handling of his situation with his paints.
Second, why didn't you offer to take some of the woman's things? Maybe it hadn't occurred to you to do so, but I hope you will consider it in light of your friend's brilliant handling of his situation with his paints.
123
My thoughts too. This makes me so angry, along with the fact that this is the first comment I've read that even mentioned this problem.
Her traveling companion, presumably a White man since she didn't say otherwise, felt confident enough to stare an airport worker down to get his way. No surprise there. Chalking his success up to politeness is delusional.
This White man got to keep his things while a Black woman had to throw hers away. What could possibly be more rude? This incident, and it's retelling, and the ignorance of everyone who commented on the retelling without calling the author out on her failure to help a person of Color being victimized when it would have been easy to do so, is perpetuating racial bigotry.
The Times is complicit for publishing this rambling paean to Whiteness. Send that to Race/Related.
Her traveling companion, presumably a White man since she didn't say otherwise, felt confident enough to stare an airport worker down to get his way. No surprise there. Chalking his success up to politeness is delusional.
This White man got to keep his things while a Black woman had to throw hers away. What could possibly be more rude? This incident, and it's retelling, and the ignorance of everyone who commented on the retelling without calling the author out on her failure to help a person of Color being victimized when it would have been easy to do so, is perpetuating racial bigotry.
The Times is complicit for publishing this rambling paean to Whiteness. Send that to Race/Related.
7
Deep introspection on a slippery concept, kudos to the author for developing a complete thesis and resolution. Those who prejudged missed out on a valuable example we could all learn from.
The airport security may have been wrong in not allowing one clear baggy per person if one is a child traveling with a parent. If confronted with that claim AFTER watching the tableau with painter friend, dividing one persons stuff that would not fit into his own bag into another's, not even a relation, but then being told my child does not merit their own baggy - as a white man past 50, I demand a supervisor right now and will not be deterred. I expect to be heard and have that decision explained to me. Am I a rude person? Only if you don't comply, and then I will be rude enough to bring tears or anger in the person trying to f with me. Been that way all my life.
But then, I am not an attractive, upscale black woman with a charming child who politely does not want to make a scene and so meekly complies because I know I am at risk for further intimidation if I don't kowtow to the officious bit of human flotsam that is so down on their luck they have to take a job they hate, and so take it out of those they perceive to be weaker but somehow more successful. I am a rude person, because I am not afraid, but I am rude only when common courtesy fails or obvious discrimination is being perpetrated. I fail the Jesus test in not cheek turning, but hope to promote civil behavior anyway.
The airport security may have been wrong in not allowing one clear baggy per person if one is a child traveling with a parent. If confronted with that claim AFTER watching the tableau with painter friend, dividing one persons stuff that would not fit into his own bag into another's, not even a relation, but then being told my child does not merit their own baggy - as a white man past 50, I demand a supervisor right now and will not be deterred. I expect to be heard and have that decision explained to me. Am I a rude person? Only if you don't comply, and then I will be rude enough to bring tears or anger in the person trying to f with me. Been that way all my life.
But then, I am not an attractive, upscale black woman with a charming child who politely does not want to make a scene and so meekly complies because I know I am at risk for further intimidation if I don't kowtow to the officious bit of human flotsam that is so down on their luck they have to take a job they hate, and so take it out of those they perceive to be weaker but somehow more successful. I am a rude person, because I am not afraid, but I am rude only when common courtesy fails or obvious discrimination is being perpetrated. I fail the Jesus test in not cheek turning, but hope to promote civil behavior anyway.
1
It is not my job to correct others' levels of rudeness. I have all I can handle in being as polite and civil as possible in my daily interactions.
I'm not really sure why you included the physically "ugly" qualities regarding those deemed, by you, as rude. Is their physical unattractiveness that off-putting to you? I didn't see anyone described as good-looking, well-kept and rude.
We all need to work on being kind, it is always worth the effort.
I'm not really sure why you included the physically "ugly" qualities regarding those deemed, by you, as rude. Is their physical unattractiveness that off-putting to you? I didn't see anyone described as good-looking, well-kept and rude.
We all need to work on being kind, it is always worth the effort.
108