We had a very similar experience with another family on our street. The kids are all grown and out on their own, but they refer and introduce each other as brothers and sisters, regardless of which set of parents anyone has. It's been the biggest blessing in my life and an important lesson for the kids that family is not just blood relations. And as the oldest notes "This having multiple Moms and Dads without that whole divorce thing is awesome."
1
I have three past grammies who all moved in together on to one farm after the American Civil War, and raised the children together. I think that family experience some how became part of my dad's DNA when he welcomed a friend of my brothers' into our home while he finished up high school. Being neighborly is not alway in the neighborhood. Blessedly, this young man, some twenty years later, called my dad to thank him just few weeks before my dad died. If you can live in a neighborhood for years, that's wonderful, but the 'good neighbor' opportunity is always around us. Pax, jb.
1
I think there is this familiar lament that our communities aren't the same as "back in the day" and that these communities don't exist.
This has not been my experience. These communities do exist and somehow I find them no matter where I live. I found it in both my neighborhoods in Brooklyn and now where I live in Maryland. I think most people want this so if you seek it, reach out, you'll find it.
We have a great neighbors. I'm not sure how I would survive working full-time and raising kids without my neighbors (since family is not near). We pick up kids at bus stop when running late, we parent each others kids when needed, we lend emotional support, share recipes and laugh at life's craziness. My kids know they are nestled in a protective,caring community and it matters.
When my older daughter wanted to walk the mile home from school, I walked with her and asked her to point out all the houses, businesses where she could get help if she needed it. We were both comforted by how many families she felt she could rely on and how many adults (librarian, bakery store clerk etc.) she could identify as part of her community, her world.
Priceless
This has not been my experience. These communities do exist and somehow I find them no matter where I live. I found it in both my neighborhoods in Brooklyn and now where I live in Maryland. I think most people want this so if you seek it, reach out, you'll find it.
We have a great neighbors. I'm not sure how I would survive working full-time and raising kids without my neighbors (since family is not near). We pick up kids at bus stop when running late, we parent each others kids when needed, we lend emotional support, share recipes and laugh at life's craziness. My kids know they are nestled in a protective,caring community and it matters.
When my older daughter wanted to walk the mile home from school, I walked with her and asked her to point out all the houses, businesses where she could get help if she needed it. We were both comforted by how many families she felt she could rely on and how many adults (librarian, bakery store clerk etc.) she could identify as part of her community, her world.
Priceless
1
I grew up in a neighborhood like this, only my Mom had 3 or 4 friends with kids my age that she could count on. I miss it.
1
What a wonderful story; thank you. This is what all of us need, whether we have kids or not, whether we're young or old, straight or gay, male or female — community. We used to have it, when childrearing was seen as a community effort, when there were alloparents. And African-American mothers often relied on othermothers and fictive kin to help raise their children. I'd like to see policies that encourage and support those connections and that sort of caregiving, what I call "carenting." I'd also like to see it be a genderless issue; too often, it's the women who find themselves in that the role. The nuclear family can be a very lonely and isolating experience; we really do need a village.
You are so lucky to have found each other. For a variety of reasons we would never have had this, but what I would've given to experience it. Very special. Here's hoping you have many more years of friendship to come.
2
You can have this too. Find a way to hold a potluck every Wednesday and invite people you like. Chances are they will start jelling with one another and groups will form. We have been able to collaborate on wonderful projects. For example, I am opening a nonprofit financial services firm for IHSS providers with another potlucker. We have taken to calling ourselves The Order of the Spoon.
2
I couldn't help reading this with a different perspective. I live on a similar block to the authors in Philly but don't have children or a husband. So I'm not included in their gatherings or celebrations or sadness.
There's been so much in the Times lately about isolation, and this is a huge reason why. If you are unmarried without kids, it's really hard to find your place.
I'm glad Elizabeth and Melissa found community together, it'd just be nice if everyone in their community wasn't just like them.
There's been so much in the Times lately about isolation, and this is a huge reason why. If you are unmarried without kids, it's really hard to find your place.
I'm glad Elizabeth and Melissa found community together, it'd just be nice if everyone in their community wasn't just like them.
6
I hope you read Rory Owen's follow-up to your plaintive observation. Each of us must make our own place in the lives of the people immediately around us. I am a 75 y o divorcée with grown children. My entrée into my younger friends'/neighbors' lives includes inviting their middle-school age kids to help me shovel snow, rake leaves, carry stuff out of the basement. When they are old enough (or an adult seems free enough) I ask them to play with and feed my cats if I go away for a couple of days. They get asparagus from my garden, the NYT Magazine and Book Review a week late.... Be an opportunist! (You may already have done this)
1
My wife and I (yes, we are gay and married) have the same relationship with our neighbors, a Jewish man and his African American wife. Each family has two boys near each other in age and they have grown up together. Our families have been there for each other and our lives have been enriched for the strong friendship we have, 18 years and counting. Our house dosen't have a view of the lake or the mountains, but to me it has the best view of all: our loving neighbors.
19
I was a carer with a childcare group of 5-9yos visiting an art gallery recently - we joined a table with Japanese origami beautiful blue print paper and picture instructions on how to fold a paper boat.
At first our 6 girls were at one end of the table - a family with 2 girls joined, the mother looked defensive and anxious and started making noises for them to leave soon
I got lost with my boat and came down to the family end of the table to check the instruction pictorial stuck to the tabletop - worked out where I had to fold, and noticed a family girl was stuck at the same point, so I simply mentioned to her 'I think you have to fold here ... (point)' - she did so happily - I went back to the other end
A few minutes later I noticed all the girls at the table were talking with each other - the mother still hinting for them to go but the family girls resisted as they were enjoying the interaction with the similar-aged girls - they ended up staying for another ten minutes clearly having a great time
I was very happy to have broken the ice allowing strangers to interact and enjoy each other's company - strangers need not be scary - they might even be fun.
At first our 6 girls were at one end of the table - a family with 2 girls joined, the mother looked defensive and anxious and started making noises for them to leave soon
I got lost with my boat and came down to the family end of the table to check the instruction pictorial stuck to the tabletop - worked out where I had to fold, and noticed a family girl was stuck at the same point, so I simply mentioned to her 'I think you have to fold here ... (point)' - she did so happily - I went back to the other end
A few minutes later I noticed all the girls at the table were talking with each other - the mother still hinting for them to go but the family girls resisted as they were enjoying the interaction with the similar-aged girls - they ended up staying for another ten minutes clearly having a great time
I was very happy to have broken the ice allowing strangers to interact and enjoy each other's company - strangers need not be scary - they might even be fun.
3
This is a beautifully written authentic homage to love and friendship, and the possibilities that exist when we connect with others outside of our nuclear family.
In this 21st century there are a myriad of things competing for our constant attention. We're always looking down because we are tethered to our smartphones because that device has become integral to navigating both our personal and professional lives. We wear earbuds to erect an impenetrable wall and inoculate us from unwanted interactions. We don't talk on the phone much anymore, and rely on text messages and Facebook and Twitter to communicate in 140 characters or less,
That's why this story touches and warms our hearts. Our lives are enriched and more meaningful when we connect with the people we love. A smartphone or computer can facilitate transmitting our messages of love, though they will never supplant the people, and I say Amen to that.
Roy Steele
San Francisco, California
In this 21st century there are a myriad of things competing for our constant attention. We're always looking down because we are tethered to our smartphones because that device has become integral to navigating both our personal and professional lives. We wear earbuds to erect an impenetrable wall and inoculate us from unwanted interactions. We don't talk on the phone much anymore, and rely on text messages and Facebook and Twitter to communicate in 140 characters or less,
That's why this story touches and warms our hearts. Our lives are enriched and more meaningful when we connect with the people we love. A smartphone or computer can facilitate transmitting our messages of love, though they will never supplant the people, and I say Amen to that.
Roy Steele
San Francisco, California
6
My first house was in such a neighborhood. We were all SAHM. We all had babies around the same time, were a huge support to one another - those with older children being able to give us advice and counsel. We supported each other every afternoon during the dreaded 3:30 t0 5 time when children are tired and bored and so were we! A cup of tea and the children playing together, got us through that time. Our children were in and out of the other's houses.
When I was sick, I could call a neighbor and she'd come get my very young children. I did the same for them. One neighbor, an RN, gave the entire neighborhood allergy shots when that was still allowed - sure beat a trip to the allergist's office weekly!
And when my marriage was falling to pieces, they were there as well, both physically (taking my children while I was at my lawyer's office) as well as emotionally. And when I remarried, they welcomed my new husband.
It was very hard to leave this neighborhood to move cross country. Over the years, we have lost touch - we left there 36 years ago. But they are very much in my memories.
We also had two couples who were close friends. Our children knew one another's houses as well as their own. Six weeks before my husband died, we had a wonderful weekend together. It was what he wanted the most.
When women work outside the house, women friendships are the first to go - just no time. And the loss is unfathomable.
When I was sick, I could call a neighbor and she'd come get my very young children. I did the same for them. One neighbor, an RN, gave the entire neighborhood allergy shots when that was still allowed - sure beat a trip to the allergist's office weekly!
And when my marriage was falling to pieces, they were there as well, both physically (taking my children while I was at my lawyer's office) as well as emotionally. And when I remarried, they welcomed my new husband.
It was very hard to leave this neighborhood to move cross country. Over the years, we have lost touch - we left there 36 years ago. But they are very much in my memories.
We also had two couples who were close friends. Our children knew one another's houses as well as their own. Six weeks before my husband died, we had a wonderful weekend together. It was what he wanted the most.
When women work outside the house, women friendships are the first to go - just no time. And the loss is unfathomable.
10
I could not agree more with your final sentence. I miss my friends so much, but work, parenting and my kids' activities and running the household barely leave my husband and I with time for each other. Since I returned to work full time in 2010, I haven't had much time for my friends and vice versa. It's sad, really.
1
Rebuilding extended families and real neighborhoods is the great hope for our future. This could literally save the planet. It is quite doable. I have banded together with a group in our small town to create an intentional community like hundreds of others across the country. It makes enormous sense to create better lives for ourselves while reviving the planet.
http://www.cohousing.org
http://www.cohousing.org
4
I grew up like this. In a small town, with neighborhoods. Since then I have learned a large apartment building can be a neighborhood. A rural area where homes are a mile apart can be a neighborhood.
Now, with lack of mobility, I have found myself a different kind of neighborhood. A global one. I live in a virtual world called Second Life. I live in the tiny community. Tinies are mostly bipedal, furry, little critters. I'm a cat (now), though I started as a wolf. I have a brother in England, one just over the border in NH. A young couple to whom I am their adopted grandmother (only kind I will ever be), and a sister in Northern CA. I have other friends from all over the world. All residents of the same world. Many of us, because our tiny community loses too many every year to cancer, work hard to raise money for Relay to Life. SL over all raises hundreds of thousands of dollars, in world. Tomorrow the tiny community will remember a very special member who died a year ago tomorrow. We still miss him. He was in some ways our glue. We tend to come together in his name. To love and laugh. Had a big pawty on his birthday. People with paws have pawties. The date you join, is considered your "Rezz" Day. Celebrated like a birthday. Tomorrow is Shady's First Rezz Day in Raglan Upper. Raglan being the name of our home. Upper because that is where Third Life is. I know he will have a big pawty there. We miss you so much my friend. See you, some day.
Now, with lack of mobility, I have found myself a different kind of neighborhood. A global one. I live in a virtual world called Second Life. I live in the tiny community. Tinies are mostly bipedal, furry, little critters. I'm a cat (now), though I started as a wolf. I have a brother in England, one just over the border in NH. A young couple to whom I am their adopted grandmother (only kind I will ever be), and a sister in Northern CA. I have other friends from all over the world. All residents of the same world. Many of us, because our tiny community loses too many every year to cancer, work hard to raise money for Relay to Life. SL over all raises hundreds of thousands of dollars, in world. Tomorrow the tiny community will remember a very special member who died a year ago tomorrow. We still miss him. He was in some ways our glue. We tend to come together in his name. To love and laugh. Had a big pawty on his birthday. People with paws have pawties. The date you join, is considered your "Rezz" Day. Celebrated like a birthday. Tomorrow is Shady's First Rezz Day in Raglan Upper. Raglan being the name of our home. Upper because that is where Third Life is. I know he will have a big pawty there. We miss you so much my friend. See you, some day.
4
I love this so much. "Recommend" just wasn't strong enough. So I had to post. I love that you found some place meaningful.
1
This is the type of friendship dreams are made of. Turns out you can, in fact, choose your family, and Melissa and Elizabeth are so lucky to have not only done that, but have chosen a loving, fully functional extended family.
If I am being honest, and I am, I would say that I long for something like this. It sounds simply lovely.
If I am being honest, and I am, I would say that I long for something like this. It sounds simply lovely.
15
Beautifully written. but I think we ought to put a lid on those memories and figure out how to help modern, over-worked families transmit these or similar values to their kids. I too grew up this way; 8 kids, 6 parents, 3 kitchens, open to all at all hours. Not so throughout my 25+ career: 1 kid, 2 parents, 1 nanny.
i consider us blessed to have been able to extend our family and he has formed through his educational experiences what I hope are lifelong friendships. But proximity, sadly, had nothing to do with it until he moved into a dorm.
i consider us blessed to have been able to extend our family and he has formed through his educational experiences what I hope are lifelong friendships. But proximity, sadly, had nothing to do with it until he moved into a dorm.
1
I think we transmit these values by living them, as these authors have done. (Many people live next door to each other without creating a bond; clearly, these authors opened their homes and hearts to one another.) And, I believe a sense of an extended family or community can be created from special friends and family members wherever they are -- so long as time spent together is prioritized. How lucky these authors are to have found this magic right next door!!
5
You two and your families have been given a gift beyond price!
6
This made me cry--and feel so grateful for three women (neighbors) who have become like sisters--we raise our boys together, gather nearly each weekend at one or the other's home, walk our kids to school or let them go together, vacation together, celebrate our birthdays, etc. The value of having found family among my neighbors is priceless. I always know I have a warm home to enter where a good friend will be waiting--regardless of what I need and I know they know the same. We all know who is likely to have a spare egg or cup of sugar; who to call first if there is an emergency; who will have the best and latest recipe or novel to read; who has medical advice; who to call with help for shoveling, etc. There is a true comfort in having neighbors who become family. These relationships are some of the most enriching in my adult life. Thank you for putting this into words!
7
I'm always envious when I hear stories like this - it seems so uniquely feminine. Grown men rarely make platonic friends that are this close and share that many things. It's a cliche, but I think women are much better at building and nurturing support networks. Men are still taught that it's better to be rugged and go it alone unless you find that perfect spouse to take care of you.
14
It's truly one of the best things about being female
7
Family is what we are stuck with. Community is what we choose. Since I move around the world every three years, I've developed a sense of who can be part of my community very quickly. Who can be reliable when I need and who I can help in return. I am so incredibly fortunate to have those I can call Community all over the world.
I love this story. And I am jealous, too, of the length of time they have had together.
I love this story. And I am jealous, too, of the length of time they have had together.
12
Some of us are not 'stuck' with family. I am the youngest, my parents were the youngest in their families. Brother 8 years older. My parents were enough older than me that my friends parents could have been my parents children (WW2 made families like that). I'm 65. My parents both almost 30 years gone. Small families shrink fast. Over Thanksgiving we saw my brother is not well. He's always been there (and like my parents, always 'protecting' me, the baby). I just fell apart. If it wasn't for my SL family I wouldn't have made it. I fixated on having a perfect Christmas. Perfect tree, all decorations just where they should be, all the candy we had as kids, perfect dinner. Dec 23 the tree fell down. Some antique family ornaments broken. Roast over cooked. Candy receipts missing (found those in January). With each disaster (I thought), my SL family listened, let me cry, then told me over and over; its not the candy, dinner, tree, its that you are getting what you asked for. Christmas with your brother. Its true, that is all I prayed for, asked Santa for (yes I wrote a letter to Santa). I didnt ask for perfect. Just one more Christmas. He was better, still wont talk about it. Our "made" families can help us through the disintegration of our "original" one. They are there now, will be, as we are all year. Because we are from all over the world, we celebrate Wootmas, not Christmas, I think when my brother IS gone, we might celebrate Wootmas in this house too. No expectations.
2
You're so right, I'm glad you found friendship and companionship in SL. Hop your brother is doing better.
Beautiful. Thank you.
2
I have a reflection of this in my own small-town upbringing -- my parents' close-knit group of friends, with kids all my age, in and out of each others' houses -- run into one of them now and their first words are "why, I raised you!" They've been there in good times and bad.
6
For us, our 2 boys forged strong friendships with the 2 boys next door before we 4 adults overcame our differences and realized neighbors don't have to share ideologies. So we all opened our minds, and developed patience too, as a restaurant was dug in one back yard and had to be filled in before a big storm. One set of sons helped the other decorate a Christmas tree, and the other learned Hanukkah blessings. Even the cats cooperated, reaching down into a hole where our yards came together and hauling up the gopher that had terrorized both families. One day I found my bathroom sanctuary invaded by 3 boys demanding I resolve a minor conflict; they were all unaware of where I was seated. I quickly resolved the issue! The other mom rushed to help me one day, when a bird got in the house. Together we captured it and released it outdoors. Many cookouts and overnights and heart to hearts later, everyone is grown and moved. The boys are adults. One couple divorced. There are many grandkids. The 4 boys? They stay in contact, across many miles and very different lives, seeing one another when they find themselves nearby. We all are better for the shared experience at an early time in our family history.
16
We were close friends with another couple while our kids were growing up and after, although in our rural area there are no next-door neighbors. It's the best kind of friendship. They were an immense help, moral and logistical, when I went through cancer treatment six years ago.
So when Bob, 63, was hospitalized just before Thanksgiving and put into a medically-induced coma, she and her daughter and their boarder came to us for dinner, with our kids and another friend. They are both fabulous cooks and we usually gather at their bigger house, but even at our cramped place, we were one big happy family. And then when he took a downward turn and died a week or so later, we were all together to help them through the unbelievable tragedy of it all.
She's doing OK. Her somewhat-wayward daughter has really stepped up and straightened out and is a much bigger and more reliable presence in her mom's life now. All the kids were together once again which is always a delight. The bonds we formed over thirty years ago are getting everyone through.
His memorial service was huge, as he was a well-respected community member. My husband and I both spoke, impromptu, from our hearts. Tomorrow is his 64th birthday, and we will be there to celebrate him with the prettiest flowers we can find--he was a former farmer and always had flowers for her.
To Melissa and Elizabeth I say hang on to this precious relationship--it will only get stronger and more important in all of your lives.
So when Bob, 63, was hospitalized just before Thanksgiving and put into a medically-induced coma, she and her daughter and their boarder came to us for dinner, with our kids and another friend. They are both fabulous cooks and we usually gather at their bigger house, but even at our cramped place, we were one big happy family. And then when he took a downward turn and died a week or so later, we were all together to help them through the unbelievable tragedy of it all.
She's doing OK. Her somewhat-wayward daughter has really stepped up and straightened out and is a much bigger and more reliable presence in her mom's life now. All the kids were together once again which is always a delight. The bonds we formed over thirty years ago are getting everyone through.
His memorial service was huge, as he was a well-respected community member. My husband and I both spoke, impromptu, from our hearts. Tomorrow is his 64th birthday, and we will be there to celebrate him with the prettiest flowers we can find--he was a former farmer and always had flowers for her.
To Melissa and Elizabeth I say hang on to this precious relationship--it will only get stronger and more important in all of your lives.
21
This is what it was like in college too. We made our dorm floors our family for the semester or the year. We shared a lot of wonderful things, quite a few unhappy events, and tried to help each other down the road towards graduation or just the next day. In the village I live in now that doesn't occur. We don't feel free, especially if we don't conform to the norms, to ask for or expect much from our neighbors. There's more fear than friendliness. No matter how polite a person is in requesting that someone not shovel snow into the street because it's a hazard after offering to help the person is snarled at. Even warning a child to watch out is hazardous because the parents assume you are a child molester.
Cellphones, social media, iPods and similar devices have ended many spontaneous conversations that used to occur. Walk down the street and what do we see: people with nodding to their music or laughing or grimacing at their own private media. No one really pays attention to what goes on around them. It's an emoticon life, not one that's shared in its joys or sorrows.
Cellphones, social media, iPods and similar devices have ended many spontaneous conversations that used to occur. Walk down the street and what do we see: people with nodding to their music or laughing or grimacing at their own private media. No one really pays attention to what goes on around them. It's an emoticon life, not one that's shared in its joys or sorrows.
16
Yes, this is how we all grew up together in the Bronx in the 60s. Moms taking care of the other Moms on the block and all Moms taking care of all the kids on the block.
18
It's so sad that we've lost our communities nowadays, and it makes such relationships so much more special. We were very close with our neighbors when I was growing up, basically the same as described here except their kids were much older than us. The older couple practically raised us because our parents had to work. As a young child, it took me a while to fully realize we weren't "family" in the traditional sense, and I always considered them (and still do) "family" in the practical sense.
That's why one of the best things about the house my husband and I bought a few years ago is the neighbors it came with. They are the same age as us, and we timed our kids so they'd be the same ages as well. We share worldviews and philosophies on life and child-rearing, we share hobbies, and have already grown close enough to feel like family even though it's only been 5 years. I'm immensely grateful for having them, and look forward to spending our lives together!
That's why one of the best things about the house my husband and I bought a few years ago is the neighbors it came with. They are the same age as us, and we timed our kids so they'd be the same ages as well. We share worldviews and philosophies on life and child-rearing, we share hobbies, and have already grown close enough to feel like family even though it's only been 5 years. I'm immensely grateful for having them, and look forward to spending our lives together!
24
I am so jealous!
21
This was a lovely story! There is something to be said for the value in friendships and how they get you through the good times and more importantly the not so great times. Thank you for sharing!
19
Your families are so blessed - thank you for sharing! I pray we all get this gift of friendship and love during our lifetimes!
29