Loneliness Can Be Deadly for Elders; Friends Are the Antidote

We need to take the "lone" out of lonely. For some reason, it has become a dirty word. It seems as if people are embarrassed or humiliated, or feel they are strange or incompetent if they admit to being lonely.
I am lonely. Sometimes frequently, sometimes less so. And the feeling can be intensely painful or just a pang of unease.
Loneliness visits me at unexpected times. Sometimes I am with a group of people, lots of laughter and sharing. But I am not part of the conversation because they are talking about spouses, children and grandchildren and I have none of those. Or I can return home after a full day, open the door to my apartment and be greeted by a deafening silence. I want to call out "I'm home" and have someone be happy to see me and give me a hug. I find myself lonely and more than a bit annoyed when I attend classes and seminars that supposedly address the needs of the aging population. The talks almost always lead to selling something - insurance, investments or retirement communities. And they suggest reviewing them with family. Again, leaving out a significant number of people who do not have that option for various reasons. Going to a house of worship as a single person can be very difficult. The worst, for me, is end of life planning. The fear of getting sick and dying alone is terrifying!
Why do we not talk openly about our loneliness? It is time, I think, to take the "lone" out of lonely.

In my youth I so valued my privacy. But now, in my old age, I have much too much of it, and it’s labeled loneliness. Funny how the mind works. Funny how labels shift. Funny how a life slips away…
Simon and Garfunkel once penned an all-too-gloomy description in “Old Friends”, from the viewpoint of their ever-lasting youth: “Can you imagine us, Years from today, Sharing a park bench quietly? How terribly strange, …to be seventy”.
But I, brave warrior that I am, I will not go gently into that good night, and will instead rage, rage, rage against the dying of the night!
If only I could find that pesky light switch...

As we grow older (of which I am one), I think we get a lot "smarter" about people. We see who and what they really are. Although there is a very beautiful side to that, at one level -- on another, it's just not very pretty at all.

A wise person once said to me, "I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong people." For me, a White, moderate liberal in a very conservative part of Texas now (at least for a while)....well, just not many "right" people around.

I could move, I guess, to more liberal areas. But, I reflect on my 7-years of living in Berkeley, CA. -- some of the meanest, pushiest damned people I've ever been around. Total of 15-years in the general SFr Bay Area wasn't much better.

And, my 12 years in Santa Fe, NM (another hot bed of liberalism) -- it still had what I called the "Berkeley Syndrome" : If you're below them socioeconomically, well OK...the "Berkeley-types" will treat you rather well. But, if you're at or above their level...watch out...they'll slit your throat and watch you bleed to death. (An exaggeration, of course, but...) Highly competitive on *everything*. Not much kindness to be found.

So...with all this new-found wisdom about people, I've kind of come to accept that old Kingston Trio song with the line: "Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch....And I don't like anybody very much."

https://youtu.be/bp6dsKleGpU?t=40s

Happy New Year, all of you wonderful NYT readers. Or, as we say in Santa Fe, "Y prospero año nuevo."

As a 74 year old widowed six years ago, I second everything the article says. I am lucky enough to live in a city which attracts many retirees who are attracted by its cultural offerings and are eager to meet new people. I have made friendships that are deeper than I ever had before.
But WHY WHY WHY in an article where every elderly person interviewed was a woman is the illustration of two men? Does an illustration of a person of necessity need to be male?

Why focus on phone calls? Connecting with iPhones and FaceBook and Facetime lets you connect with dozens of friends, see their faces while they talk, and comment on the pictures they post. Learning to operate modern tech enhances the aging brain way more than Sudoku does.

My 90 year old widowed mother has all she needs: Lives with family, pretty good health and healthcare and she's ambulatory with a clear head. Yet, she's perpetually unhappy because she's lonely. Her family works all day and she refuses to budge out of the house. She refuses to go anywhere on her own to make friends and expects family to entertain her constantly. In a word, she's a burden. Every thing wrong with her is in her head. I remind her that although she is elderly, she is responsible for her own life and her own mental well being. I'm getting no where.

My dear departed mother lived to be an active, vibrant 89 years old, and one strong example she set for me was to have friends of many ages. She went out of her way at 80 to befriend her new neighbor who was 40 years her junior. This neighbor became a friend who then introduced mom to all of her friends, and soon mom was never home! And never lonely. Truly a gift to all involved.

Several years ago, my mother reluctantly moved into a continuing care community just 8 minutes from my house. Illness had forced the move from her lifelong home in NJ, away from her sisters and friends. It was bewildering and lonely initially for her, but as it happened one of my friends mentioned that her mother-in-law was perhaps ready to make a similar move to the place where my mother was living. My friend and I introduced the two respective grandmothers, took them to lunch and by the end of that lunch, my friend's mother-in-law decided to move into the continuing care place where my mother had just moved. The two grandmothers, who grew up in New Jersey and New York respectively, of different religions, background and education levels, quickly found common ground and developed a great bond that lasted until the day my mother passed away. It was truly uplifting for both of our families to see the mutual respect and connection this late life friendship brought to them and to know that new friendships and peer support are not only possible, but just as essential late in life as they are when we are younger.

Get a cat. He won't consider you a zero if you can't manage a Niel Simon dialogue.

All the elderly friends quoted in the article are women. Why does the illustration show two men? Extremely insensitive on the part of the editors and/or the artist.

"In fact, older adults have probably developed important relational skills, said Rosemary Blieszner, distinguished professor of human development at Virginia Tech and a longtime friendship researcher . . ."

I maintain there are millions of lonely elders who are lonely precisely because they were never able to develop those all-important relational skills. They were the lonely young people who entered middle age lonely and are now lonely as senior citizens.

We can dodge the perils of inactivity by engaging in at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise five days a week. We can improve our health outcomes by eliminating processed grains and other starches with a high glycemic load from our diet and by eating less meat and more non-starchy vegetables, whole grains and fruit. And the popular culture supports these measures with an avalanche of products and advice.

So, where is the similar do-it-yourself formula for making friends when you've been socially malnourished your entire life? What if you're not one to whom speaking in Neil Simon dialogue comes naturally?

If that's the same Judy Sanderoff who taught my high school modern dance class back in the prehistoric era, I want her to know that I still think about how much I appreciated that class---and that I'm still at it many, many decades later.

My mother had to move to a retirement residence when relatively young, due to problems with telemarketer scammers preying on her and depression. While she lived a solitary life as a widow in NYC, at the residence (in SC, where we lived) she made friends, played bridge, and even became the host of movie nights, sharing her large video collection with other residents after dinner. We were happy to have her living near to us, as well as having a more fulfilling life with others. I think that a good program would encourage such interaction and promote friendship. Her residence was not very good at this, but some residents managed it well on their own. Friendship is so important for all of us, but particularly to combat the isolation that so often occurs with aging.

All of this is very true. I've recently become a resident of a nursing home for
long term care. While I have to use a wheelchair because I cannot walk anymore, I do get around very well. I help out an 89 year old neighbor who is
almost deaf and am friends with many other residents. At first I thought I would hate it, but the first thing I've done was to purchase a laptop computer, which I share with my friends. They simply cannot get over this "window on the world."
At place like this friendship is as valuable as manna from heaven.

Hillary Clinton said it best: it takes a village.

"Loneliness can be deadly; friends are the antidote" says the headline. Well, duh. The challenge is to make genuine friends as you get older. Maybe someone could do a study on how to do that, short of moving into communal living.

Agree with much of what's written here, but some people can't be reasoned with. My husband (74) is very socially isolated partially by circumstances and partially by his own nature, which has become increasingly 'curmudgeonly' over the last 20 years. This has led to many social opportunities not panning out as aquaintances not willing to turn into friends because of how he interacts with people. And don't tell me he's depressed because according to him he's not, it's just everyone else who's at fault.

He is the main reason I've remained in a high stress job I would like to retire from at age 63 because at least it gets me out and interacting with others on a regular basis.

I have given up suggesting outlets for him (or us for that matter) as there is always a reason they wouldn't suit. For a man who is otherwise fit and healthy this is not a good place to be in, but I've thrown in the towel in an effort to preserve my own mental health.

It is sad that many children ignore their parents as they are aging. I know that people must work, but many grown children are watching television at night and shirking their duties. We are all addicted to screens and are ignoring people. On the other hand, I had one good friend who moved 900 mile to be there for his mother when she needed him. It really is a duty. Asian families honor the elderly. I was in church the other night, and it seems that churches could have a weekly lunch for people over 75. People should be around people their own ages because they share a culture. I don't really like the idea of a "facility". They seem so impersonal. New York City seems as if it would be the absolute worse place for an elderly person. The taxes there are horrible thanks to a poorly run city government and state government...always taking exorbitant amounts from everyone with no accountability and no real services.

I'm 57 and have been forecd into early retirement about 5 yrs ago
every day, I fight what I call the three ghosts of retirement - bordeom, frustration and lonelyness. I'm bored have not much to do, nobody to do it with and everybody I attempt to talk to , it's just too busy or deos not give a damn. just seem to barley mange their own miserable lives
there's only so much tv and computre surfing I can possibly do without going a little crazy. it's ok to play on ebay, amazon, etc , but how much stuff do I really need ?
over 50 and not working, you are just too old to train, too expensive to insure - we want somebody young, cheap and will not ask any questions , I've been told every excuse so me getting hired now is almost impossible.
will social sccuirty & medciare be broke by the time I'm eligible - maybe ?
I can only see more pain for me if live another 20 or 30 yrs
I do have a few good days here and there, but those are rare.

A strong sense of of belonging and the longstanding social ties of kith and kin certainly do seem to be a common theme in the best known communities of super centenarians, no doubt.

For some of us, however, who have lived all over the world, those ties simply do not and cannot exist. And 'making friends' simply to be surrounded by acquaintances who are little more than strangers can be humiliating, degrading and belittling.

For some of us, for we who choose to live fiercely, our dignity, integrity and independence are worth more than life itself.

I know that many folks won't be able to understand this, and it's not fashionable to say so, but for some of us living is not about family or friends — it's about the fight. In my case, for example, this is an endless fight for justice, to discover the truth, to change the world and leave it a better place.

I have no need of friends, and my loneliness fuels the endless quest on which I have been set my entire life.

Absolutely agree. I do in hospice/home health, and it's a big part of my pts lives to have someone to share experiences with. When family is busy with their own needs/issues, they feel abandoned. Many married couples who are retired live in near isolation, excluding the world from their relationship. Then when one of them dies they find themselves ALONE. I suggested to one couple that they might join a local senior center to meet people, even going once a month to bingo or a potluck, so that the surviving spouse would have a group they could talk with, referencing the spouse and have a place to go and feel they belonged. "Yes, maybe in a few years we will consider that". They were in their late 80's at the time. No one thinks their options will be limited by their health or finances. Everyone thinks they have more time. Very few enjoy health and companionship in the comfort of their chosen home until they die. Volunteering with this population is a great way to give back. Churches and Meals on Wheels organizations coordinate these efforts.

Lately, I'd love to go 'senior living' -- no more home repairs sounds real appealing right about now ... but husband isn't ready. If the downsizing didn't kill me (a huge if) ... I think it would be a good & strategic move and lead to better quality of life down the road.
After watching his Mom, at 93 or 94, decide on her own power to sell her home and enter a CCRC facility, still able to do 'independent living' until her very brief illness and passing at 100 ... I'm sold. She always had a lot of 'church friends,' but being at the senior living facility opened up even more & new friendships and activities and she totally thrived.
And the dining room was a real treat!
I won't get anywhere near her age, but hope to enter in that type of supportive experience while still can engage and enjoy it.

It is harder for women to make friends as they age because women who are partnered are paranoid you are trying to get their partner and men are afraid you are after them. People don't know how to actually be friends. They all think they are living in a screwy romantic comedy or else their idea of friendship is posting things on Facebook for 240,00 of their "friends".

Dunno if I buy all this, "Loneliness equates to a shorter lifespan" opinion being espoused these days. Bottom line is mental attitude towards life. You can be happy and completely alone with the right attitude, you can also have a lot of friends and miserable with the wrong attitude.

But you are writing about a generation that was able to retire. Most of the people born after 1955 will be unable to retire, to find affordable housing if they do retire, pay for medication and health care, food, etc. Thanks to decisions left unmade in the 1980s onward companies have been able to stop providing employees with pensions. People in their late 40s and early 50s lost jobs and went through nest eggs only to have to start all over again. And now, with cellphones and the internet we can't find people in the phonebook and we interact more with our Facebook or LinkedIn "friends" than those in our immediate vicinity. The antipathy towards others in daily life has grown as people are hooked up to iPods or talking to someone on their cellphones but not paying attention to what's around them.

America is not a country to grow up in or grow old in any longer. It's a country that doesn't care about anyone unless they have enough money to buy what they need. The next thing people care about is if you can sue them. Our society is so interested in protecting itself that the people in it have forgotten how to be kind, considerate, or caring. As with everything else in America, you need to make or inherit a fortune to survive. Since most of us won't we will find getting older to be the same grind that being young or middle aged was only worse because we won't be considered worthwhile by our government or our neighbors. The generation born in the 1930s and 40s made it.

I live alone and have depression and terminal cancer. Lonely, I made friends with the family upstairs. One day I woke up to find that the upstairs neighbor, who fancies herself a "healer," had put my most intimate physical and psychological details on Facebook as a means of promoting her business. I know that she considers me old (I'm 61) and I think she felt free to make use of me because she considers me "out of the action." Be careful out there.

Anyone notice that there are no men in the picture?

Just want to mention that dogs and cats---for all the love and company---are not themselves safe from old age and illness. And if you are alone and have a sick animal, it is always going to be you doing the care-taking and cleaning, and when the end comes, there is excruciating grief and emptiness . . . and, at least for me, the knowledge that another trip down that road is not possible, because if one is old, one could die leaving a little dog or cat with nobody to care for it. It is a rare shelter these days that takes an animal in such a situation.

While the article is thoughtful and well taken, I have found that if a person, whether they be nineteen, or one hundred and nine, has hobbies and interests, that don't necessitate the presence of the other, or others, loneliness wouldn't be an issue! Admittedly, at just past sixty two, I'm not there yet, I believe my comment makes sense.

"For a host of reasons, no one is addressing the individual’s daily needs — food, medication, medical appointments . . . "

These are the daily needs? No wonder the picture is so sad. Your daily needs are not remotely met if you can check these off. If this is all you need, or have, why live on? You need, as my mother used to say, something to do, somewhere to go, someone to love. Now at 70, I think about this all the time. My life is not full, but neither is it reduced to food, medication, and medical appointments, truly a depressing list and much too short.

I think older men have a much harder time making new friends than women do. There's a book about men's psychology called "I don't want to talk about it." Women want to talk about it.

Ι recently read a story about centenarians in Spain. One of them, a man of 112, said he never went to the seniors' social centre because it was 'full of old people'.
One of the important ways to keep having friendships later in life is to mix with all ages. Of course that means that you can't talk about your aches and meds all the time, or complain about the grandchildren. At all ages, the secret to not being lonely is to demonstrate an interest in others and in your community.

My MIL is in a facility next to a school, close to a university and to several churches.I have an idea: what if those institutions and/or local families invited the residents to come once a week/month for a meal? Or came to their dining room? It would promote community. There's got to be a way to figure the logistics.

Opportunity for NYT to do a piece on social clubs in NYC. We moved here from burbs to get back into life. So much to do here, but need to know where to find the like minded: dancers, diners, hobbyists, etc. I've even thought about starting a fashion or tech club, but how to contact the peeps? Let us not lament, let us learn & go forward!

I strongly believe in retirement communities where one can engage in sports, chess, crafts, bridge or whatever else interest them. Many people are emotionally locked up in a New York city apartment and instead of enjoying their lives are killing themselves financially to stay in NY. What a mistake. Enjoy your life; it goes very fast.

Healthcare workers and senior citizen advocates may recognize how pervasive disability and loneliness are, but the reality is most healthy people don't care enough to be bothered. Healthy people have jobs, friends, and lives that don't include sitting around with sick or disabled people--and this isn't limited to old people. I know of a young woman in her 30s with a history of cancer who couldn't find a friend who would go out with her for a cup of coffee. Her so-called friends didn't want to hear about or be reminded of her illness and think that something like that might happen to them. I read a story in The New York Times about a woman so lonely she repeatedly tried to talk to strangers at a park, but people complained about being pestered. They had no compassion and didn't think to call anyone to report she needed help. Tens of thousands of people die alone every year. It seems few people can go out of their way to think or care about people outside of their own family and circle of friends. Friendship, for those that desire it, is truly a lifeline--the difference between living and suffering, between life and death--and yet so few people can donate or sacrifice their time for the health and well being of others.

An interesting article as a young reader to understand about. I think Loneliness is a part that causes illness for elders. I have made some interesting friends in my youth but sometimes I want to re-consider that because I always asked myself "will my friends be there when I have a chronic illness when I am older." I have learn from my parents that happiness can grant a person many opportunity and I truly believe that. So when I get old, I always want to carry that happiness in my life. Lastly, I want to help the elders out if they are experiencing loneliness in their life and try to make that elder be happy in their life. I truly support the elders because they were young as me in their day and youth cannot be regain.