There were many things I found insightful in this article, but the most potent was your calculation as a black man - not just black and not just a man - and how those joint identities flavor every interaction and how they will be perceived. Thank you.
79
When I was 6 years old, my great grandmother told me if she ever saw me playing with black children again, she would never give me another cent. I told her that I did not need her money. She was really shocked that I stood up to her. But I think in the end, I made her think. She bought me a car for my high school graduation.
I have never been tolerant of bigots. I see no reason for non-whites to be tolerant either.
I have never been tolerant of bigots. I see no reason for non-whites to be tolerant either.
143
I think the writer's decision to confront children in the future is overkill and wrongheaded. Barring an ability to channel Mr Rogers, it seems to me that for an adult male who is a stranger to intrude on a play group and lecture five-year-olds would be frightening to them.
I understand that the writer was deeply shaken and offended, but - consider the source, for heaven's sake. She's five! As other commenters have noted, a five-year-old might have, as easily, said, "no boys."
I was taught that, morally speaking, seven is considered the "age of reason" - when we truly know right and wrong.
It is not inappropriate to speak to the parent, and the parent is going to be in the best position to address the child.
I understand that the writer was deeply shaken and offended, but - consider the source, for heaven's sake. She's five! As other commenters have noted, a five-year-old might have, as easily, said, "no boys."
I was taught that, morally speaking, seven is considered the "age of reason" - when we truly know right and wrong.
It is not inappropriate to speak to the parent, and the parent is going to be in the best position to address the child.
64
It's amusing, and perhaps a little alarming, that so many commenters feel the need to weigh in on Mr. Sanders' "first instinct" to confront the child, and warn him against it. That instinct hardly seems to be the main point of the piece. One wonders if this reaction -- this need to school another adult -- does not simply underscore the author's point.
98
I consider myself part of larger parent universe surrounding all children & I don't hesitate to speak up when I see bullying or or other inappropriate behavior. Am I aware that someone might object? Yes, but that’s where core sense of responsibility to speak up is greater than fear of offending someone. I can do that with less fear because I am white, of course. “Real trouble” probably isn't going to mean being shot or going to jail for me. It's still be scary to do at times, but it's the right thing to do & I believe that I will be judged for my failure to do so.
Recently I was out for dinner w husband & 11yr old in Dallas. Upscale. Next table couple talking loudly about immigrants, then muslims, muslim women, & finally Afghan emigres. Speech was loud, prejudiced, & full of factual errors, eg, Afghans using other countries' quotas to come & all terrorists, etc. Ugly stuff & intruding on our table conversation. I spoke up after they got to terrorist talk & asked them to speak more quietly. They, of course, became angry & louder & threatened me. And all of this played out in front of 11 year old who was understandably uncomfortable & wished I’d said nothing. Eventually the couple backed down & groused as they paid their bill & left (they'd already finished their meal). The staff apologized & we got to explain to 11yr old why we have moral imperative to speak up, respectfully, and bear witness to values of human decency. If we fail to speak, we are one of them.
Recently I was out for dinner w husband & 11yr old in Dallas. Upscale. Next table couple talking loudly about immigrants, then muslims, muslim women, & finally Afghan emigres. Speech was loud, prejudiced, & full of factual errors, eg, Afghans using other countries' quotas to come & all terrorists, etc. Ugly stuff & intruding on our table conversation. I spoke up after they got to terrorist talk & asked them to speak more quietly. They, of course, became angry & louder & threatened me. And all of this played out in front of 11 year old who was understandably uncomfortable & wished I’d said nothing. Eventually the couple backed down & groused as they paid their bill & left (they'd already finished their meal). The staff apologized & we got to explain to 11yr old why we have moral imperative to speak up, respectfully, and bear witness to values of human decency. If we fail to speak, we are one of them.
59
Excellent essay, Mr. Sanders.
When our daughter was 5, she saw an interracial couple and said, "A black person can't marry a white person!" I snapped at her: "Why? Do you think that just because you haven't seen something, it doesn't exist?"
A few minutes later, I realized she was really asking a question. And I should have answered with the best of what I believe, "Of course, they can, sweetheart. We can all marry good people we love."
When our daughter was 5, she saw an interracial couple and said, "A black person can't marry a white person!" I snapped at her: "Why? Do you think that just because you haven't seen something, it doesn't exist?"
A few minutes later, I realized she was really asking a question. And I should have answered with the best of what I believe, "Of course, they can, sweetheart. We can all marry good people we love."
40
I can imagine that the writer had a small tornado of emotions and responses racing through his mind and was careful to not react purely based on the spoken words of the little girl. When something is said that is generally considered offensive and compounds the writer's own experiences in "white society" how does one respond? There is always the fear that a quick response might escalate one's own emotions and therefore I completely understand that Mr. Sanders waited and later worked through it with his wife and by writing this piece.
16
I sympathize with the tough situation. As a white parent of boys the same age, I would be horrified to ever hear my child say such a thing and of course I would want someone to tell me if they heard it. You should have taken the parent aside and you should still call her. I am sure my sons would never say something like that but if one of them ever did, he would get a major talking to and would have to apologize and then some, he would never forget the lesson. You assume the parents have taught their child to do that and think that way either implicitly or explicitly, and you assume the child is 'a racist' rather than a child who said something dumb and racist and ignorant and needs to learn not to. That may be the case but it's pretty harsh to label a 5 year old girl 'a racist', especially if you don't know the girl or her parents. It's possible the child learned what racism is and is mimicking it, and I would guess likely that the parent would have been mortified to hear it and would have addressed the matter with her daughter. You should still speak with the mother.
34
I am so sorry. There's no 'good' way to talk about racism with a child. Bored and reared in the South, I escaped much of the racism... because I always like people who were 'different.' Don't ask how that came about; I don't know. This country MUST fight racism every minute or we destroy ourselves.
How many racists out there know that if we did not have immigrant engineers, the U. S. would not work? Our American/white children can't do the math to get engineering degrees! Think about the implications of that in bridge construction, automobiles, computers, electrical plants, medical machines, etc.
How many racists out there know that if we did not have immigrant engineers, the U. S. would not work? Our American/white children can't do the math to get engineering degrees! Think about the implications of that in bridge construction, automobiles, computers, electrical plants, medical machines, etc.
19
It must be incredibly painful to hear something like that said to your kid. You probably feel a sense of hopelessness, which hopefully, is temporary. Because for all of the racism and other problems in our country, I see far more far more inclusion than exclusion every day in real life - not the media. The writer shouldn't go crazy on kids anyway, because scolding other people's kids, normal when I was growing up, has also been out of our culture by the usual purveyors of bad advice. I hope he told his son that they were "people," not "black people" and that some other people were ignorant and hated others based on skin color - but that their family does not do that. And maybe about Martin Luther King, Jr. I hope, but I'm not confident in it. It seems to me that almost most groups now are luxuriating in victimization. I am not suggesting the history of racism and other hatreds should not be taught to our kids; they definitely should, when age appropriate, but with the emphasis on how far people and our country have come. I feel very strongly that kids get confidence, more than anything else, from seeing their parents confident and happy. I hope that whatever it is he taught his son, that confidence came through, because, frankly the negativity, fear and sense of ostracism I see in the media by writers and so-called leaders nowadays often doesn't reflect that. It should.
6
I can attest to the "children get ideas sometimes" theory. I am black, cafe au lait tinted, with one son who is a bit lighter than me and my younger son, who is a medium brown. They share the same father and mother and a gene pool on both sides that runs the gamut on shades of brown, tan, and white because it includes several ancestors of European descent. My younger son once said to me, "I am black and you and [my brother] are white." Stunned (and a bit amused), I told him that no, we are all black, and that black people come in all shades, including "white." I also told him how beautiful I thought he was. I had never once drawn attention to his darker skin color. Children do notice differences, and they pick up on attitudes outside their homes but not necessarily inside them. My goal in that moment was to make my son feel secure in his own skin--and I hope he still is.
It might just be that this particular 5-year-old went home and told her parents what she'd said. And, like you and me, they may have been stunned. I hope that what they did in that moment was to kindly set her straight.
It might just be that this particular 5-year-old went home and told her parents what she'd said. And, like you and me, they may have been stunned. I hope that what they did in that moment was to kindly set her straight.
56
I was a child in the 1960s. One day, when I was around 7, I approached two little white girls. One of them said,
"She can't play with us, she's a Negro."
I responded as I had been coached by my parents: "My blood is as red as yours ... Sticks and stones may break my bones ...." One good thing about political correctness is that we no longer have to pretend that words don't hurt -- they do, and they shape us.
I can't believe this is still happening in 2016. The author is spot-on about racism starting on the playgrounds of America and its continuing effects.
"She can't play with us, she's a Negro."
I responded as I had been coached by my parents: "My blood is as red as yours ... Sticks and stones may break my bones ...." One good thing about political correctness is that we no longer have to pretend that words don't hurt -- they do, and they shape us.
I can't believe this is still happening in 2016. The author is spot-on about racism starting on the playgrounds of America and its continuing effects.
72
Be sure that you aren't the only parent that heard that comment. I don't know how you held your tongue. My dear son, don't hold your tongue. Let your son know that you won't tolerate discrimination! Please teach him to live out loud. How have we become such cowards begging for white acceptance? Our ancestors fought, stood up and lost their very lives. The soles of my shoes are worn from marching, my voice is hoarse from yelling for justice and my knuckles are bleeding from resistance. Can't you at least find our voice to protect your child?
27
What a powerful statement. Thank you.
12
Your article brings tears to my eyes. I admire your thoughts and feel for you. These comments and feelings behind them definitely need to be brought out and addressed with parents AND children. We all need to hear you and talk. So sad, in this day and age....
15
One of the best articles & discussion about children, racism and addressing behavior that I have read in a long time. Thank you!
21
Thank you.
For sharing something I've never experienced and wouldn't be able to, because of my skin color. For describing your experiences, past and present. For creating dialogue, and new thoughts in others. For outlining the way you processed the events, along with the concerns you as a black man and husband and parent keep in the back of your mind.
For advocating for action, in a measured way but with potential for real changes in people's minds.
I'm not one to stand back and let injustice simply occur. Your comments will stick with me and will be something I'll remember and incorporate into my actions. Your approach is a wise one. I have tremendous respect for what you've written. And for you as a person, a man, and a husband.
Thank you.
For sharing something I've never experienced and wouldn't be able to, because of my skin color. For describing your experiences, past and present. For creating dialogue, and new thoughts in others. For outlining the way you processed the events, along with the concerns you as a black man and husband and parent keep in the back of your mind.
For advocating for action, in a measured way but with potential for real changes in people's minds.
I'm not one to stand back and let injustice simply occur. Your comments will stick with me and will be something I'll remember and incorporate into my actions. Your approach is a wise one. I have tremendous respect for what you've written. And for you as a person, a man, and a husband.
Thank you.
87
Thank you. Teachers should have even very young children read and talk about the Countee Cullen poem "Incident." High schoolers and college kids should read this generous, subtle piece next to it, lest they try to relegate the Cullen poem to the past.
7
Your first instinct in this case, to confront children of other people, was your worst instinct. The best result depends on the circumstances. There is no one way but there must be a way.
16
If I had been the other white parent I would have confronted that mother with you. "I know you would want to know your daughter was..." Everyone must stand up.
75
I grew up from age 3 to 10 years old in Brazil where I played with the kids in our neighborhood ranging from middle class families to poor families in the favelas or slums. I was the youngest of six kids in a very liberal family and had become more Brazilian than American by the time I left. The children I played with in the favela were more frequently black and the middle class kids more frequently white. There was certainly some background of racism but Brazil is a culture that embraces its diversity in its music, art and cultural identity. When I finally moved back to the United States to Northern Virginia, I encountered a segregated society learning how to integrate. Although I had black friends, they were more cautious in their embrace of me as a friend and lived in separate neighborhoods typically. Because I was not culturally aware of American racism I wasn't always clued into racist statements, but soon found myself in Jr High School as a victim of racial tension. I recall playing in the High School band that was a great mixture of races and cultures but still torn by racial strife. One day, coming back on the bus from a band trip one boy stood up and walked the isle singing "Wish I had a watermelon!" And at one point rubbed a black band members afro at the front of the bus. At the time there seemed to me to be an uncomfortable tension but I didn't understandthe racial charge in the language. Today I look back on the scene and fantasize about standing up to the bully.
19
I recall very vividly a memory from when I was around 5 or 6. A black man who worked for my parents was a kind and authoritative figure in afternoons when school was over. We knew each other very well, so he was as dear to me as a beloved teacher at school would have been. I said something about my skin being white, probably that it meant I was better than others, and I may have even mentioned something about slaves. I don't know what exactly I said but I do remember feeling proud to say it because it meant I had learned something I didn't know before, a rule about the mystery of what skin color meant. I don't know where it came from, undoubtedly from classmates and society in general, although my parents would never say a thing like that to us as children.
What I do recall was this man firmly and patiently guiding me over to the wall of our garage, which was painted white, and directing me to hold my hand up to the wall. Your skin isn't white, he said. It's pink. I agreed, since that was obvious. This somehow broke my child's sense that there was a rule of skin color to follow (I was so clearly wrong about my own color) and it also made me immediately very ashamed at what I had said rather than proud. I could sense his patience but also his frustration and indeed at some level his anger. I'm grateful for what he did for me that day. Because of the kind actions of people like him I am more aware of my daily racial biases, which I try to resist (often failing).
What I do recall was this man firmly and patiently guiding me over to the wall of our garage, which was painted white, and directing me to hold my hand up to the wall. Your skin isn't white, he said. It's pink. I agreed, since that was obvious. This somehow broke my child's sense that there was a rule of skin color to follow (I was so clearly wrong about my own color) and it also made me immediately very ashamed at what I had said rather than proud. I could sense his patience but also his frustration and indeed at some level his anger. I'm grateful for what he did for me that day. Because of the kind actions of people like him I am more aware of my daily racial biases, which I try to resist (often failing).
62
So well written! Really engages the reader in the experience and the amount of work that goes into processing this kind of interpersonal and social violence.
Your family is lucky to have a dad like you.
Your family is lucky to have a dad like you.
30
For what it's worth, I would want to know if my child ever said something like that. Kids pick up things from all sorts of places, and I'd like to think that most parents would be horrified if they knew their children had behaved that way.
78
If my young child (who is white) ever said a thing like that to another child and I wasn't there to intervene, I would welcome the intervention of another parent.
68
The best response is immediate and short. Simply smile and say to your son, "All children can play here" then help him get on it and spin away. Say it loudly enough for all the children to hear. Children learn to accept people who are different simply by being around them, whether the difference is skin color, accent, clothing, or disabled.
71
Agree. My answer would be much different for an older child, but this is a very little girl. She is just a little child yammering. Ascribing all kinds of negative belief systems to her and her whole family is over the top. It would also be OK to prompt her with something like, "We're all going to share in the game so no one is left out." In a sane society this is said by whichever adult is closest. One honestly cannot go around getting upset by anything a five-year-old says or does. The son in the story already knows this!
22
"You have to be taught to hate and fear, it has to be drummed in your dear little ear, you have to be carefully taught" Oscar Hammerstein
I apologize for the ignorant white people who haven't grown up and realized that we are all members of one race - human.
I apologize for the ignorant white people who haven't grown up and realized that we are all members of one race - human.
28
Thank you.
12
YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT?!
I come from a different country, but where l'm from, if talking to a parent will cause trouble, talking to a child without the parent's consent will cause real trouble. I suggest you consider talking to the children's teachers, or having your wife speak to the mother really softly.
I come from a different country, but where l'm from, if talking to a parent will cause trouble, talking to a child without the parent's consent will cause real trouble. I suggest you consider talking to the children's teachers, or having your wife speak to the mother really softly.
16
Absolutely! Speaking directly to that child gives the appearance that you are too afraid to talk to the parents, but are comfortable assuming superiority over a five year old. That will turn a bad situation worse in a minute! However, speaking collectively to the group of children as you suggest later in your article, within ear shot of the adults will seems a clear message.
19
What a horrifying moment for you. And to come face-to-face with the reality of an imperfect society can hurt your innocent children. My hope is that while you teach your children well, you continue to try to teach this society. We can and will be better. It's just going to take longer than we ever imagined.
13
This is a situation where it would be completely appropriate and I think necessary to intervene, with a calm demeanor. Any adult present at the park who hears talk like this has an obligation to do so, regardless of whether your child is involved. It's called community parenting. Particularly if the parent of the ill-spoken child isn't aware of what has happened. A simple, "Now, now. Everyone gets a turn. It doesn't matter what you look like. It's not nice to leave someone out", or something along those lines would suffice for children this age. Glad your son reacted as he did. This little girl might have said what she did because of something she hears at home. Or it might be more naive than that. She may just have a harder time identifying with your son because he looks different from her. Implicit bias on her part that hasn't been addressed. This was a lost chance to do so. It's hard to know what to do when it's someone else's kid. But a racist comment like this should always be addressed. Really disappointing and unacceptable that the father next to you didn't step up and say something to the mom/introduce you, tell her what just happened on your behalf. He was cowardly.
51
As I read this, i am deeply saddened but not surprised.
There has always been a low slow boil of hate, jealousy, protectionist spirt, under the surface. Jokes with punch lines against the others.
Who sees this?
Not us, living in our "white" world. So if we don't see it then everything must be ok, What are those people complaining about?
But this time it is different.
The subterranean hate is surfacing, like a beast that has been hidden for too long, the atmosphere is right for the beast to rise and thrive.
But some of us know it never really had gone away, it was always there, they saw it everyday and wondered why others did not, am I going crazy? Seeing things others could not? Hearing things? Am I going mad?
The one good thing Donald Trump has done is shed light onto this mean spirit, he has held up a mirror and showed us what we did not want to see, the hate that has always been there. Others see it and now it is time for us to recognize it, talk about it in polite company, to slay the beast of hate that has risen.
There has always been a low slow boil of hate, jealousy, protectionist spirt, under the surface. Jokes with punch lines against the others.
Who sees this?
Not us, living in our "white" world. So if we don't see it then everything must be ok, What are those people complaining about?
But this time it is different.
The subterranean hate is surfacing, like a beast that has been hidden for too long, the atmosphere is right for the beast to rise and thrive.
But some of us know it never really had gone away, it was always there, they saw it everyday and wondered why others did not, am I going crazy? Seeing things others could not? Hearing things? Am I going mad?
The one good thing Donald Trump has done is shed light onto this mean spirit, he has held up a mirror and showed us what we did not want to see, the hate that has always been there. Others see it and now it is time for us to recognize it, talk about it in polite company, to slay the beast of hate that has risen.
19
I've had a similar situation occur but rather than racism, it was about the fact that my child was adopted. Cruel, taunting comments were made on the playground, once right in front of me by a boy about 8 or 9 years old. Although my daughter remained incredibly calm throughout his nasty remarks, I intervened and informed the taunter that what he was saying was not only wrong (your "real parents did not want you, they sold you to your mom" ) but also very mean and hurtful. I then found out who his parents were and contacted them by E mail relaying on the scene I had witnessed firsthand. I made clear that, clearly, their son didn't know any better but that they needed to step up and teach him correctly about what adoption is and what not to say. They were shaken and promised to sit down with their son and have a serious talk. I also contacted their school and suggested that adoption be included somehow in the school curriculum to better sensitize the children and to educate them. The school said they would do so. The same could be said for racism. The child needs to be educated both by the parents and by the school. Ignorance should never be tolerated and allowed to fester. I'm so sorry to so. Had to be exposed to that nasty remark.
54
Racism can't be solved until people acknowledge it exists. Pushing the problem aside or trying to verify its righteousness as in "so what if she doesn't let the black kid play? It's absolutely okay if she wants to play a 'white only' game!" just ends in demise. It is the shifty, very defensive way that people get when the word is even brought up as if it doesn't exist. It does. And it's getting so much worse. When white supremacists are setting up kkk rallies and are killing off groups of people, it's a problem. Even more so when there sentences are 10 times lighter than black brothers who get life in jail for other offenses. Dear white America: We are so tired.
11
White parents absolutely need to have "The Talk" about race with their kids, on an ongoing basis, otherwise kids will make their own assumptions based on what other kids say. Maybe the girl's comment didn't come from her own parents--maybe it came from peers at her new school--from their parents. Starting with (for the youngest) "People are like a rainbow from pale to dark." Seek out diversity. Get books from the library that feature children of all races doing all kinds of different things (including but not limited to books about the struggles that different groups of people have faced throughout history). Keep the lines of communication open and let your child know what your values are. Discuss stereotypes and privilege. Listen to what they have to say and respond. As they get older, make sure they are informed about history and current events and the relationship between them.
13
The things that black people have to do in order to be tolerated by white people are pretty much the same things that women have to do in order to be tolerated by men: smile, nod, stay silent and for God's sake, try not to be threatening.
64
Hopefully you realize it's not all men, or all white people. Some of us are pretty open-minded and see people as people. Just saying.
16
Hmm not exactly, although I understand what you meant by your comment. The difference is quite significant. For starters, unarmed Black people, including children, are not shot and killed by police officers in cold blood because of the color of their skin. Women are not treated this way ever, let alone for their gender. Furthermore, white women overwhelmingly are well paid and consistently have and are given access to the resources and opportunities that guarantee their place, and their children's place, in this country which is on par with white men. Sure, women have had to undergo some unfairness along the way, but to suggest these are similar to what black people have encountered is grossly inaccurate. The government sanctioned discriminatory practices that have specifically targeted black communities for hundreds of year aren't familiar to many white people, which probably explains why many white people are dismayed that black people are "still complaining." But the facts speaks clearly to systematic effort to keep Black people as second-class citizens through unfair policies that impact their ability to have equal and fair access. If you look at the research of Richard Rothstein, the reporting of Gary Webb, the details of the Tuskegee experiment, you'll find just a sliver of evidence why Black people's struggle has been starkly different from white women's.
4
Sure. Some.
1
That's brilliant parenting being expressed. Absolutely brilliant. Kids are incredibly intelligent and should be treated accordingly.
16
My own child came home one day and said "i think people with blue eyes are nicer than other people." I replied "but i have brown eyes, do you think i'm not nice?" Maybe i could have had a better response to my daughter, who's now appalled by this story. But it has two morals:
1. Kids pick up stuff everywhere, not just from family members.
2. They try it out, and can change
I'm very sorry your son and you had to be exposed to that comment, but it may not have been from a junior racist or even racist parents. Kids try stuff out, we adults have to teach them what's wrong and why. Of course this is hindsight but i would have mentioned it calmly to her mother. If it were my child i would have wanted to know
1. Kids pick up stuff everywhere, not just from family members.
2. They try it out, and can change
I'm very sorry your son and you had to be exposed to that comment, but it may not have been from a junior racist or even racist parents. Kids try stuff out, we adults have to teach them what's wrong and why. Of course this is hindsight but i would have mentioned it calmly to her mother. If it were my child i would have wanted to know
50
My children are all grown now but I think young parents playing with their kids in a playground should interact with the children around them. Push a black or brown child with your child on a swing, pick them up when they fall down at the bottom of the slide. Don't be afraid to play and interact talk and laugh and smile when you all are playing at the park. Kids learn from their parents. Set an example for the other parents. Lead don't follow. Your children and others will learn by your example. We all feel better and different when we absorb the innocent energy of children happily playing in a playground.
16
"What did he do?"
Ouch. No answer will suffice.
Ouch. No answer will suffice.
2
If you plan to confront the child with the parent nearby but not involved in the conversation, be prepared for backlash from adults (parent +) for you, an adult, upbraiding a child. I've experienced this many times in trying to calm loud or hitting behavior, without a racial aspect. Suggest you'll have more success/effect if you bring other adults in from the get-go. They'll stand to be sensitized & more in agreement with you
10
Parents get very defensive when they are confronted with their children's bad behavior. I know. I've been on both sides. Mr. Sander's little boy acted perfectly in the situation IMO. He took matters into his own capable 5-year-old hands. Hearing that cruel and racist comment had to be devastating for the dad, though. My suggestion? Before he has 'the talk' with his little son, have 'the listen.' Try an opening question such as, 'I heard what that little girl said to you on the playground today. How did that make you feel?' See where the child is before you put your template on him. Start a dialogue, not a lecture. And try not to over-romanticize the so-called innocence of childhood. They know plenty. They see plenty.
22
I think jumping in right away is important. This was a teachable moment, and immediacy is important in those moments, especially at that age. As Topher described, he wouldn't have gone scorched earth to make the simple comment that color doesn't really matter.
Also, at that age, who knows what that little girl actually meant or where she was getting it from. To some extent it doesn't matter. Showing his son a measured reaction and a reaction that was clear and immediate was important. Letting him know he shouldn't expect to be left out because his skin is a different shade. Letting the other children know that isn't fair and kind.
Waiting to belabor the point and enlist the other parents would have allowed the moment to pass, and likely would have created drama. A simple adult correction of behavior that isn't acceptable doesn't need to be vetted by committee. Just my opinion.
Also, at that age, who knows what that little girl actually meant or where she was getting it from. To some extent it doesn't matter. Showing his son a measured reaction and a reaction that was clear and immediate was important. Letting him know he shouldn't expect to be left out because his skin is a different shade. Letting the other children know that isn't fair and kind.
Waiting to belabor the point and enlist the other parents would have allowed the moment to pass, and likely would have created drama. A simple adult correction of behavior that isn't acceptable doesn't need to be vetted by committee. Just my opinion.
9
Would have taken a photo of that family and posted account of incident to social media. I know shaming a kid may not seem like cricket, but if she's old enough to be racist she's old enough to face a consequence.
6
Shaming the child and her family on social media is what you would have done? What a terrible idea. I think Rocket Science's comment was great, and exactly what I have done. Everyone gets a turn loud and clear for all to hear. The children and the parents.
Jeannette McIlvaine
Signal Hill CA
Jeannette McIlvaine
Signal Hill CA
11
Now that is scorched earth. Seems like a reaction way out of proportion with the simple moment he was faced with.
What is most impressive is the way the author has shared all the various emotions. I have so much respect for where he landed, and so much appreciation for him sharing so we can all internalize into our own approaches.
What is most impressive is the way the author has shared all the various emotions. I have so much respect for where he landed, and so much appreciation for him sharing so we can all internalize into our own approaches.
14
Hear, hear. I agree. If you're proud of your child's bigotry, then why not acclaim it? And if you're (rightfully) ashamed- well, there is no time like the present to teach a lesson.
1
I'm white. I know intellectually systemic racism exists and that a black person experiences a very different world than I do. But this piece made me feel it, like hitting a brick wall, over and over and over again until bloody. I hope I can hang on to that for awhile.
24
A missed opportunity for education in the author's own community, with the parents and the girl. You let them save face, but now there is a divide. That's too bad, but probably hard and annoying to have to cross that divide all the time.
(I always think of the poem This Bridge Called My Back and the desire not to have to be an educator all the time.)
Thanks for writing about it.
(I always think of the poem This Bridge Called My Back and the desire not to have to be an educator all the time.)
Thanks for writing about it.
5
To many commentators who are focusing on whether this one little girl is racist, that's not the point. The point is that this scene will continue to happen over and over in some form the rest of this boy's life, long after his father has the power to intervene, that Mr. Sander's job as a parent includes preparing his son for that inevitability.
23
Back in the day (the 50s), I had quite a few black friends, But the odd thing was, only the Caribbean Island blacks had the easy natural sense of equality one associates with ordinary intercourse. Once, on a island vacation I asked a black neighbor about this. He said "Yes, we used to feel inferior until we killed all the white people on the island. After that, things were easier". Not a practical program. But short of that? It's a very long haul..
15
Mr. Sanders you missed a wonderful opportunity. Five-year-old kids are not racist. They are sponges and this child's comments could come from anywhere—misinterpreting a conversation, tv news story or a sitcom. It could have been a conversation her parents had trying to explain racism to her. Unfortunately you will never know. It is much easier to remain outraged and indignent versus having conversation with her parents. In this situation, your son behaved like the adult.
15
He may have missed this particular opportunity. As a parent it's always tough to know what to do, when faced with new and unusual circumstances. And as a black man, I can only imagine the topic of racism adds so many layers of uncertainty and concern and nuance that it's understandable why he responded in the way he did.
All that said, what he shared will he acted upon by so many people, in so many different ways. The open discourse and internalization of how to react to these types of situations is such a positive thing for our society.
All that said, what he shared will he acted upon by so many people, in so many different ways. The open discourse and internalization of how to react to these types of situations is such a positive thing for our society.
10
Thanks for sharing your experience so meaningfully and beautifully. I think the lesson, one more time, is that when we talk about issues like race we generally have no idea of other people's real experiences. As I was reading my first instinct was "go talk to the parent." Then I understood all the additional issues that you were forced to consider. Like that second parent in the playground, I had a poor understanding of the actual situation in which you were placed by that little girl's comment, and no idea of how to react appropriately. Articles as candid and thoughtful as this one are really useful and important, as they allow us to place ourselves in other people's shoes.
11
For a society that deems itself so advanced many are still socially backwards. Reading this article saddens me deeply because I have a wife that wants children and seeing this reinforces why I don't. I know growing up, a young black child in NYC, I had no problems with white kids who looked different than me. And those kids never appeared to have issues with me. But I do remember some of the parents who would snatch their kids from the playground when we would play together. This was in the late 70s-early 80s. In 2016, Mr. Sanders is experiencing the same kind of thing with his own child.
I really would like to know what are white parents teaching their kids (or not teaching them). I refuse to believe that the young girl would say "Only White People" because she didn't know better. And like Mr. Sander say, that little girl, the daughter of a politician or manager or something else, will herself become a politician or manager or something else. The cycle will never end. People need to overcome their ignorance, fear, or whatever it is for people whose skin isn't white.
Human beings are unique for all sorts of reasons, from eyes too big or freckles too prominent. And yet, the color of skin, represents such a defining difference. I've often wondered is this base feeling taught? Or is just in the blood or genes?
I wonder if whites could empathize with black people like myself who are just tired of dealing with this?
I really would like to know what are white parents teaching their kids (or not teaching them). I refuse to believe that the young girl would say "Only White People" because she didn't know better. And like Mr. Sander say, that little girl, the daughter of a politician or manager or something else, will herself become a politician or manager or something else. The cycle will never end. People need to overcome their ignorance, fear, or whatever it is for people whose skin isn't white.
Human beings are unique for all sorts of reasons, from eyes too big or freckles too prominent. And yet, the color of skin, represents such a defining difference. I've often wondered is this base feeling taught? Or is just in the blood or genes?
I wonder if whites could empathize with black people like myself who are just tired of dealing with this?
17
Empathize, absolutely. Understand and truly know, probably not. That is what is so powerful about this article, in my eyes. His thought process and reasoning is enlightening, and will impact my day to day thought processes. He is helping me better understand.
5
Really enjoyed the article.
I think speaking to the parent is the most appropriate solution at that age, as well as saying something more gentle to the offender in the moment.
In third grade I remember groups of kids on the playground (myself included) shouting "Irish need not apply!" to exclude the white kids of Irish descent on the playground, after learning that phrase from a unit we did on immigration to the US. It was a nasty practice in need of correction by an adult, but it didn't stem from real anti-Irish sentiment.
I think speaking to the parent is the most appropriate solution at that age, as well as saying something more gentle to the offender in the moment.
In third grade I remember groups of kids on the playground (myself included) shouting "Irish need not apply!" to exclude the white kids of Irish descent on the playground, after learning that phrase from a unit we did on immigration to the US. It was a nasty practice in need of correction by an adult, but it didn't stem from real anti-Irish sentiment.
9
What a great idea. Make even more excuses about how racism isn't real racism. And then please explain why it was meant in a joke and was even taught by the school textbooks.
4
Given history and current events your reaction is more than understandable. But step back for a minute. You caught the tail-end of a playground “script” which probably has a complicated back-story. I suppose in the future children in a schoolyard will never make an issue out of each other’s skin color. Be grateful they are learning to live together for the first time on a playground and not in an adult street encounter between suspicious strangers. Be more concerned about what teachers say than what tumbles out of the mouths of playful kindergartners. By all means have a conference with the child’s parents if you think it will help. Knowing them would probably set your mind at rest. But stern reprimands to five-year old children often fall on deaf ears and can curdle developing friendships. Don’t think you can improve society by re-inventing children’s games or subjecting them to relentless scrutiny and supervision. Don’t turn the playground into an adult battlefield. And don’t assume the white girl’s parents are racist. Isn’t it more likely racist parents would have already instilled in her the “polite” way of dealing with black people? Few people in Maplewood I dare say (or in the world today) are "openly" racist.
2
Of course. Racism can't be cured. People are either racist or they aren't. This small girl is already racist and probably cannot change her nature. Her parents almost certainly can't or won't.
But please do go on about the complex and nuanced nature of children's games. It is such a terrific excuse for racists. I'll have to remember that one.
But please do go on about the complex and nuanced nature of children's games. It is such a terrific excuse for racists. I'll have to remember that one.
2
I am the white mother of a lovely brown daughter, who is now in high school. When she was 6 years old, she asked for an American Girl Doll for Christmas. I enthusiastically suggested a doll that looked like her -- the company offers many such options. But my daughter said: "No. Skin should be white. And hair should be blonde." I was completely taken aback -- where had she gotten such a message? Certainly not from our family. Once children are at school and out in the world, they are exposed to ideas and opinions from all different directions, not just what they are taught at home. I would not assume the little girl on the playground is "being groomed to be racist." It is likely her parents would be shocked to hear that their daughter had said such a thing, and would welcome hearing about it so they could have family conversations about valuing diversity of every kind.
19
I think that it is a good idea to step in and teach a child that excluding children because of their race or gender is hurtful. Many children exclude other children that are different without putting any thought to it. I raised my kids in a diverse community and kids would often clique off very early -- the pink girlie girls, the train boys, the bilingual kids, the high energy kids. I don't think the kids were learning the behaviors from their parents so much as the parents hadn't made an early enough effort to socialize them in these issues that are emotionally fraught for adults. We like to think kids are born little angels, but sometimes you have teach morality because they are not always born empathetic. My younger son had curly blond ringlets in preschool. A boy that just arrived to the US from China followed him around the preschool for weeks. The teacher, who spoke Chinese, explained to us he had never seen hair that color or texture before. I think she told the little boy to try not stare so much. Having that short conversation about differences helped the boys and they got on fine together after.
6
No one, child or adult should have to go through experiences like this. I am a 66 year old white woman who grew up in the northeast. The only discrimination I was aware of until college was because I was fat. (Not the same, but an inkling of what it must be like...)
When I was in my 20s, I drove to Albany for a meeting and promptly got lost there in a run-down neighborhood. I stopped at a red light. My windows were open because my car did not have AC. There was a group of black male teens on the corner. I was afraid, instantly, without any reason. I still think about it years later. The young men never even looked at me. My fear was irrational, and I knew it. This really brought home to me how even "good" people like me can have racist thoughts. And I am absolutely sure that I believe that whites and blacks are equally intelligent, good--all the qualities I appreciate in people.
Now, for the past 40 years I am much more prepared to live in a world where there are many people of different cultures, colors, and beliefs. I will never forget that lesson. I was completely wrong in generalizing that day, even though I did it without conscious volition.
I believe that each of us should treat others the way we want to be treated. I believe that it is our responsibility to follow that basic tenet of decency.
It is clear that Mr. Sanders is following that rule, by choosing to educate and inform in the ways he can. I would be proud to be his family's friend.
When I was in my 20s, I drove to Albany for a meeting and promptly got lost there in a run-down neighborhood. I stopped at a red light. My windows were open because my car did not have AC. There was a group of black male teens on the corner. I was afraid, instantly, without any reason. I still think about it years later. The young men never even looked at me. My fear was irrational, and I knew it. This really brought home to me how even "good" people like me can have racist thoughts. And I am absolutely sure that I believe that whites and blacks are equally intelligent, good--all the qualities I appreciate in people.
Now, for the past 40 years I am much more prepared to live in a world where there are many people of different cultures, colors, and beliefs. I will never forget that lesson. I was completely wrong in generalizing that day, even though I did it without conscious volition.
I believe that each of us should treat others the way we want to be treated. I believe that it is our responsibility to follow that basic tenet of decency.
It is clear that Mr. Sanders is following that rule, by choosing to educate and inform in the ways he can. I would be proud to be his family's friend.
9
It breaks my heart that we are still having these conversations in 2016 and that we have to find ways to speak to our tender young babies about the ignorant threats to our personhood by everywhere in the world. That Caucasians continue to denigrate, criminalize and mistreat African-Americans--many of whom are longer generational citizens of the U.S. Yet, so many of us continue to survive, thrive and excel despite institutional, governmental and interpersonal racist policies. I call on all African-American to band together, to love each other and especially show compassion to young African-American females and males. Let them know they matter by smiling at them, striking up conversations, opening up opportunities for them wherever we have influence and looking out for them anywhere we encounter them in the world.
As for Caucasians, I suggest African-Americans 'Mirror' (look it up) their actions and behavior. It has been highly effective when they have invaded my personal space to touch my hair uninvited. I display the same wonder as I replicate their every move as I ruffle and comment in awed wonder on their hair's texture replicating actions when they put their uninvited hands in my hair. It's an amazingly effective way for them to experience how inappropriate and disrespectful their actions are. Their faces go through a spectrum of emotions that are hysterical as they go from outrage to awareness to embarrassment.
As for Caucasians, I suggest African-Americans 'Mirror' (look it up) their actions and behavior. It has been highly effective when they have invaded my personal space to touch my hair uninvited. I display the same wonder as I replicate their every move as I ruffle and comment in awed wonder on their hair's texture replicating actions when they put their uninvited hands in my hair. It's an amazingly effective way for them to experience how inappropriate and disrespectful their actions are. Their faces go through a spectrum of emotions that are hysterical as they go from outrage to awareness to embarrassment.
5
I am so sorry this happened, but it makes me remember how, back in 1951, when my family moved from Ithaca, NY - where my family lived in married student housing (integrated) and I went to a school that was also integrated - to Auburn, Alabama, where I was treated like I had 2 heads. I was a total misfit and the only people who treated me like a human being were the Black people until my mother took my sisters and me home to Florida where we were drilled in "manners" and proper speech so we could assimilate. My parents never taught us why we were being told to speak this way and we were never taught anything negative about colored people then. By the way, it was considered very disrespectful to call them anything but colored back then because all other terms were pejorative.
I have never forgotten the kindness of all the colored people who accepted me for the child that I was and who acted like I was a normal person.
I have never forgotten the kindness of all the colored people who accepted me for the child that I was and who acted like I was a normal person.
9
wow. I'd say something to the mom. That girl learned it from somewhere - oftentimes it's an older sibling, not necessarily he parent. But the parent has never sat down and said to their kids "You should not say these words. You should never comment on someone's skin color." Kids don't know this stuff on their own - they pick up bad habits, not good ones. If parents do not explain things clearly, they will not learn it. I blame the girls' parents of severe neglect. And not saying anything allows it to continue - a quick "Hey, your child said..." is in order here. Or else that mom keeps thinking her brat is an angel.
5
Parents of rude or ill behaved children will usually erupt if you talk to the child directly. You would not have been on safe turf to do that no matter how gently and reasonably. I do think that you had every right to speak with the parent but it is a fraught situation. If the children were still attending the same school you could certainly have asked for a meeting at school and expressed your concerns and ask to have the matter formally addressed as clear cut racial bullying. But they don't go to the same school. I teach school-not the small children though. We have very strict rules about bullying of all kinds and a protocol. The minute we hear or observe something similar we address the student. A second time the dean addresses the student. We teach our students from the beginning : " it is never OK to say anything insulting or negative about someone else's color." The students absorb this mandate so well that it is sometimes difficult to teach a history lesson in which color needs to be discussed: The march on Washington, Dr. King's death, etc. (obviously) without a student crying out : " That's racist to mention someone's color!" Then we have a more sophisticated lesson about when mentioning color may be significant to the lesson. I am so sorry that happened to your son. You sound like a wonderful father and you certainly had a mother with great dignity. I'd follow her example.
8
I think it's important to talk to the parents. They may not be aware that someone in their home is saying racist things to the kids. Sometimes you don't know what a grandparent, cousins, etc are saying when your kids can hear them.
Unfortunately, few people live in entirely racism-free extended families.
Unfortunately, few people live in entirely racism-free extended families.
16
We need a open the race dialog. Everywhere I go I hear people talk about the Us and the Them. Skin color is only one form of discrimination. I've seen it between people of the same skin color. So have you. Example talk to most any Asian nationality and they tell you which other Asians they don't like and why. I've seen Native tribal people say things about other tribes. I've seen the Catholics against the Protestants. I've seen the language divid. No one is exempt from prejudice. I grew up in the Air force and we had to learn to dialog about race. We were all different. we had people from Phillapines, Japan, Guam. Irish, African American, Italian, Native American and Latinos, and many families had multiple heritage. We had problems but we learn to sit down and talk. I lived in a German village we were one of only two families, we were not like. Fights were daily. My Friends mother broker peace by sitting us down with some german boys our age. We learned that all of our Grandpa's fought WWII. It was a recent wound for all the families involved. It was a sober moment. We were being asked to examine our reason to continue hating. We learned to move on. We can't ignore racism or prejudice ever. Disarm those encounters with people however you can education, communicate, inject humor. Check yourself. Oh and guess what if you harbor hate towards another it will someday challenge you. Trust me on that.
10
At dinner many decades ago, on my own deck, a neighbor made an anti-Semitic remark in front of me, a Jewish woman. All got quiet, I went into the bathroom and almost vomited. Then I took deep breaths, returned, and hurried the dinner to a close........ I never said a word. But I never talked to her again.
Another time, when a coworker made a racist comment, I told her I don't talk like that, and don't like people to talk that way. I never said racist. I was middle aged. I acted like a child. I could have done better both times. And hope I do next time.
Another time, when a coworker made a racist comment, I told her I don't talk like that, and don't like people to talk that way. I never said racist. I was middle aged. I acted like a child. I could have done better both times. And hope I do next time.
17
My sister was in a college class (entirely white) with a racist. He would make anti-black remarks at times that didn't lend themselves to the other students' speaking out, like when the professor walked in to start class. She puzzled over what she might say to him when the opportunity arose. Finally he made another "joke", but when she could reply, and she was ready. All the other students joined her in rebuking him - they too had been waiting for a chance, but also not sure what to say.
There is so much that is hard about what happened here, but one thing is when you're faced with an unexpected event, and you aren't sure what to say and the moment passes. This is such a loaded situation, as Mr. Sanders says - speaking out can jeopardize your status, your safety, your child's friendships. I keep thinking that as time passes that society will evolve, will educate itself, like we're seeing with growing acceptance of marriage equality. It's devastating that this isn't happening, and that racism and anti-semitism and islamophobia are rising and become something people are proud to display. The anti-PC crowd aren't helping.
There is so much that is hard about what happened here, but one thing is when you're faced with an unexpected event, and you aren't sure what to say and the moment passes. This is such a loaded situation, as Mr. Sanders says - speaking out can jeopardize your status, your safety, your child's friendships. I keep thinking that as time passes that society will evolve, will educate itself, like we're seeing with growing acceptance of marriage equality. It's devastating that this isn't happening, and that racism and anti-semitism and islamophobia are rising and become something people are proud to display. The anti-PC crowd aren't helping.
14
We must all speak out when we encounter racism and bias; especially those of us who are not black. We live in a world where it is considered more impolite to call out bias then it is to actually be racist.
"The simple act of naming a bias as such or objecting to it on the spot establishes a social environment that discourages it; saying nothing serves to condone it."
Daniel Goleman
"The simple act of naming a bias as such or objecting to it on the spot establishes a social environment that discourages it; saying nothing serves to condone it."
Daniel Goleman
15
A mixed race member of the German football tem, a Mr. Boateng, was insulted by a prominent AfD politician.
Mr. Boateng responded with calm and dignity calling it "sad" thus proving that he is indeed the better man.
Mr. Boateng responded with calm and dignity calling it "sad" thus proving that he is indeed the better man.
16
I'm white. This makes me despair. Can someone tell me what I should say if I ever overhear something like this on a playground?
17
We might start by intervening and saying, "You can't say you can't play."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-levy/you-can-say-you-bullying_b_510...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-levy/you-can-say-you-bullying_b_510...
2
You learn more when you listen than when you talk. How about asking the kid, 'why did you say that?' before telling her that what she says is wrong or bad? That way the speaker is made aware of his/her comments and made to explain or defend them. Then maybe ask the kid, 'how do you think you made him feel?' No lecture. Just a gentle prodding in the conscience.
As to the person who recommended shaming the parents on social media, I'd ask, 'why did you say that?'
As to the person who recommended shaming the parents on social media, I'd ask, 'why did you say that?'
10
Scanning the comments, I'm struck that there are many possible truths in this situation, quite a variety of ways the girl's parents could react if approached, or if their child were approached by a stranger, or ways another parent could react if a stranger approached the children. All could go innocently and well, or it could quickly become very dicey, especially if that stranger were a man of color. Thank you for raising this issue. Very few people could find the 'right' solution on short notice; you've stimulated thought. Most importantly, however one responds, one must remain non-aggressive even if met with aggression.
23
Mr. Sanders,
I think the major stopping point here is it seems you've been conditioned to believe any sort of discrimination (a benign word on its own) is malicious, whereas your son has not, as you clearly note in his reaction to his friend's quip. Whereas discrimination itself happens quite naturally (refer to: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2566511/), ascribing malice to discrimination must be taught and learned. (Other folks who have commented before me make the same point: "othering" is very real - it's just not necessarily bad.)
I hope that when it comes time to delve a little deeper into recent racial tensions in this country with your son, you reinforce the notion that while certain events may be going on and ideas may be espoused around him, he is not a victim and can choose to feel certain ways about himself, about others, and about those events. Your voice as a father is powerful. Please don't teach your son that every comment made about his difference to the majority is done in the name of racial supremacy, or that those same people's actual negative comments hold any water.
PS - Sigh. Your casual mention of "white-splaining" (in so many words) is evidence of the true racist. Would a rose by any other name (or race) smell as sweet?
I think the major stopping point here is it seems you've been conditioned to believe any sort of discrimination (a benign word on its own) is malicious, whereas your son has not, as you clearly note in his reaction to his friend's quip. Whereas discrimination itself happens quite naturally (refer to: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2566511/), ascribing malice to discrimination must be taught and learned. (Other folks who have commented before me make the same point: "othering" is very real - it's just not necessarily bad.)
I hope that when it comes time to delve a little deeper into recent racial tensions in this country with your son, you reinforce the notion that while certain events may be going on and ideas may be espoused around him, he is not a victim and can choose to feel certain ways about himself, about others, and about those events. Your voice as a father is powerful. Please don't teach your son that every comment made about his difference to the majority is done in the name of racial supremacy, or that those same people's actual negative comments hold any water.
PS - Sigh. Your casual mention of "white-splaining" (in so many words) is evidence of the true racist. Would a rose by any other name (or race) smell as sweet?
17
Amazing. Yes, "othering" is universal. When I travel to work in Africa, to places where I'm one of few white visitors, I'm often treated as a curiosity. In small towns, some kids want to touch my hair. Others are scared of me. Almost no one treats me as "just a person," and I often reflect that I'm receiving some of the same alienating treatment that so troubles black Americans at home (even when it is performed without malice by whites who are simply, neutrally ignorant). The difference, of course, is context. When I am "othered" in a small town in East Africa, I am in a predominantly black society where whites nonetheless enjoy disproportionate access to wealth, power and safety. I feel amused, instead of hurt, because I feel safe. I feel safe because I AM safe. When that othering happens to black Americans, it is in another society where whites enjoy disproportionate access to wealth, power, and safety. Black Americans, meanwhile, experience disproportionate racial discrimination, legal and social punishment, police violence, formal and informal barriers to advancement, etc. (shall I link you to some academic articles?). Systemic, institutionalized racism makes the difference between benign and malignant "othering." To miss that key detail, and to then smugly accuse the author of being "the true racist" is absurd. It also shows how impoverished a partly informed, selectively ignorant perspective can be.
11
This comment troubles me. It reflects a type of reverse-engineering of racism.
First, deny that racist comments are malicious. Sorry. It doesn't get much more malicious than telling people they can't do something purely because of the color of their skin.
Second, make the victim responsible for managing the painful impact of the racist statement. This flips blame on its head.
Third, accuse anyone pointing out a culture of racism as himself a racist. It's not racist to point out to a son that many folks will treat him differently because of the color of his skin; it's a fact. A fact that may, unfortunately, be life-threatening to ignore.
I'm "white." I put that in quotes because of course I'm a variety of pinkish/beige colors that don't have any relationship to my value as a person. But a collective social construct makes that relevant to this discussion. I agree with previous commentators who say, "talk to the parent." I'd want to know if my daughters were repeating racist themes they learned somewhere (perhaps even gleaned from the election news).
But I want to say that this was a situation where white bystanders bear some responsibility too. We can speak up. We should.
First, deny that racist comments are malicious. Sorry. It doesn't get much more malicious than telling people they can't do something purely because of the color of their skin.
Second, make the victim responsible for managing the painful impact of the racist statement. This flips blame on its head.
Third, accuse anyone pointing out a culture of racism as himself a racist. It's not racist to point out to a son that many folks will treat him differently because of the color of his skin; it's a fact. A fact that may, unfortunately, be life-threatening to ignore.
I'm "white." I put that in quotes because of course I'm a variety of pinkish/beige colors that don't have any relationship to my value as a person. But a collective social construct makes that relevant to this discussion. I agree with previous commentators who say, "talk to the parent." I'd want to know if my daughters were repeating racist themes they learned somewhere (perhaps even gleaned from the election news).
But I want to say that this was a situation where white bystanders bear some responsibility too. We can speak up. We should.
12
Dear Jeremy
Lets take race out of it for a moment: any form of social exclusion is bullying. Where I come from, excluding others is against school rules and against social rules. Is the excluding person malicious? Well, I think they are, but if they aren't, I don't care. Same as I don't care if my child is being malicious when they chew with their mouth open.
Now, lets put race back into it. See, we don't even need to, to see the girl was wrong.
Best wishes and warm regards
Your white friend
Lets take race out of it for a moment: any form of social exclusion is bullying. Where I come from, excluding others is against school rules and against social rules. Is the excluding person malicious? Well, I think they are, but if they aren't, I don't care. Same as I don't care if my child is being malicious when they chew with their mouth open.
Now, lets put race back into it. See, we don't even need to, to see the girl was wrong.
Best wishes and warm regards
Your white friend
It is hard to know exactly why the girl said what she did, but that doesn't make it less important to address and nip in the bud. My six-year-old girl after hearing some story on NPR recently asked me "What does black mean?" When I explained, she still had to ask "Am I white?" "Is dad white?" Yes this is white privilege, but I have talked to her about race in the past and it just hasn't sunk in, and she has a few black classmates. The other day she was also looking through some People magazines and showing which actresses/dresses she liked, and she seemed to be consistently saying she didn't like the black actress. At this stage kids are definitely picking up on girls vs. boys, me vs. them but don't necessarily have a clear idea of race. So, the parents may have said something, or it just may be something she decided to try herself. The parents should definitely be made aware, although it is awkward even if they aren't racists, and I'm sure there is another layer of conflict added if, indeed, they are. The stories about Trump have brought up lots of anecdotes of sexual harassment and also shown it is easy to freeze in the moment.
23
You did the right thing, and you do the right thing anytime you speak up to parent or child. If safety requires silence, as it did for generations of African Americans, that's what we do. But speaking up in the face of idiotic replies is what's won all our rights. I'm sure you'll keep hearing the most foolish things. But that father just might have had some sense drip into his blind little head.
5
How about? "The infinitesimal adjustments that women employ not only to succeed in school and at work, but also to help us keep it 100, stay woke, all while trying to make men feel comfortable enough to keep us around."
The world is not fair and children often say stupid things.
Your son dealt with it correctly and without any self pity.
What a good example he set for his father!
The world is not fair and children often say stupid things.
Your son dealt with it correctly and without any self pity.
What a good example he set for his father!
19
My son was age 8 in a German transition school for non German speakers. Every day he would come home bruised and with torn clothing, or a black eye, or only one shoe. Most all of the kids there were Asylanten....many from Africa, Eritrea, Somalia, many from India and Pakistan, and many from West Asia and all with dark skin. My son is white and was one of the few white children in the school. The epithet was usually "christ" as if all white people were Christian. So the problem may relate to who is in the majority....not to say it is a good thing but to simply say it is part of life when one is seen as a minority.
10
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the author's reaction. I am hopeful that this girl's dialogue was due to the unfiltered innocence of the child rather than something she learned. I could totally see a little girl say "Girls only, no boys allowed" instead. She doesn't yet understand the historical perspective or societal implications in her choice of who to be non-inclusive statement. I am hopeful...
9
I grew up in Louisiana in the 70s.When i was in 4th grade someone called me the n word. i remember coming home and crying (i am white) but no clear sense of why i was so upset. the south was still very segregated, i l ived in an all white neighborhood went to an all white school, when we would drive through a neighborhood where blacks lived my father would make us roll up all our windows and crouch down. We were strictly forbidden to date anyone of a different race. I think young children pick up things or ideas from their parents. I had no idea what racism was, only now do i see how much my environment shaped who i was at the time.
4
Maybe white parents need to have our own version of "The Talk" with our children. We can't really pretend that prejudice and racism don't exist, and parents have to teach kids not to judge people based on superficial properties, because it's not something that comes naturally. Kids discriminate against each other for a lot of reasons, whether it be skin color, hair color, weight, disability, or "just being weird".
The first time my (white) daughter said something racist to me about a friend, I was shocked and unsure where it came from, because where we live people make a conscious effort NOT to be racist. I think now that it was simply due to the fact there were few dark-skinned children in her school, so they stood out as being different. I sat her down and had a talk about diversity, and explained to her that skin color comes from melanin and has nothing to do with someone's personality. I'm assuming it worked, because ever since our talk I haven't heard her say anything about her non-white friends that she wouldn't say about her white friends.
The first time my (white) daughter said something racist to me about a friend, I was shocked and unsure where it came from, because where we live people make a conscious effort NOT to be racist. I think now that it was simply due to the fact there were few dark-skinned children in her school, so they stood out as being different. I sat her down and had a talk about diversity, and explained to her that skin color comes from melanin and has nothing to do with someone's personality. I'm assuming it worked, because ever since our talk I haven't heard her say anything about her non-white friends that she wouldn't say about her white friends.
21
I am so sorry. Sorry it happened and sorry the (white) father didn't respond with validating you.
I think the plan to interrupt the play the next time you hear something like this is very important, particularly to model for your own children.
I can related in the smallest of ways because I'm a white lesbian raising non white kids. And in my decade plus of parenting, I've been asked and my kids have been asked so many questions/recipients of comments (some well meaning, some racist, some homophobic). In the beginning, I chose to ignore many when my kids couldn't understand and I, too, didn't want to appear as that "angry lesbian." (which is a stereotype but pales into the comparison of the angry black man).
But, then, I realized, my kids were starting to understand. I never wanted my children to feel shame or embarrassment. And so I started to respond and have developed some pat answers over the years. So have my kids.
I wish the author and his family continued health, safety and happiness.
I think the plan to interrupt the play the next time you hear something like this is very important, particularly to model for your own children.
I can related in the smallest of ways because I'm a white lesbian raising non white kids. And in my decade plus of parenting, I've been asked and my kids have been asked so many questions/recipients of comments (some well meaning, some racist, some homophobic). In the beginning, I chose to ignore many when my kids couldn't understand and I, too, didn't want to appear as that "angry lesbian." (which is a stereotype but pales into the comparison of the angry black man).
But, then, I realized, my kids were starting to understand. I never wanted my children to feel shame or embarrassment. And so I started to respond and have developed some pat answers over the years. So have my kids.
I wish the author and his family continued health, safety and happiness.
33
Thank you for your thoughtful, heartfelt article. Reading about the situation may spark in readers ideas of what we might have done, but in the crucial moment it's a different story. I think your conversations with your wife about future scenario planning is excellent. I do that a lot myself, not just in situations that might involve racial conflict but in all kinds of conflict with people that arise through the course of the day. I want to be as prepared as possible to show up as my best self in those situations.
9
Maplewood is not immune from the harsh reality of racism. Although, South Orange and Maplewood share the same school district and are celebrated for their "diversity" the human stain of bigotry flows through the veins of little kindergarteners in the northern suburbs just like the toxic Old Dixie towns in the South. Liberals can also raise racists. May this incident serve as a cautionary tale to those who presume otherwise.
8
"Someone" in that child's life gave her the idea that people are "black" or "white" and are included or excluded on that basis. However, that someone may or may not have been her parent. I was once shocked to hear my then 4 year old say that her classmate was ugly because she had black skin. The classmate's skin was not black, but brown, and where had my daughter gotten the idea that black or brown was ugly? I was grateful that I heard her say this out loud in private so that I could intervene to correct this racist thinking.
If I had been in Mr. Sanders' shoes, I don't think I could have found the strength to have a civil conversation with that little girl's mother. But if he could have, there is a possibility that mother would have thanked him for letting her know that her child's mind had been poisoned.
If I had been in Mr. Sanders' shoes, I don't think I could have found the strength to have a civil conversation with that little girl's mother. But if he could have, there is a possibility that mother would have thanked him for letting her know that her child's mind had been poisoned.
25
My son is 30 now and this was when he was 3 and just started nursery school. He told me one night he had a new friend. I didn't recognize the name and asked him what this friend looked like. He told me his eyes were brown, his hair was dark, he was a year older and a bit taller than my son. The next day my son introduced me. The boy was African with a very dark skin. My son is white. And I was proud.
11
Congratulations...? Do you think he deserves a pat on the back for befriending one of us? As if befriending a black person cuts out all ability for him to be racist? Would you be just as proud for him for befriending a freckled red haired girl?
4
Jordan, I think you missed the point the poster was trying to make. What the parent was proud of was not that their child befriended a black person, but rather that the child did not fixate on that person's skin color in his description of his new friend, he simply viewed him as a friend.
And, I have zero clue as to where you got the idea that the poster was trying to make a claim that all racism had been either eliminated or atoned for simply because their child made a black friend.
I think of all the appropriate things to be angry about racism, the post that seems to have set you off is certainly not one of them.
And, I have zero clue as to where you got the idea that the poster was trying to make a claim that all racism had been either eliminated or atoned for simply because their child made a black friend.
I think of all the appropriate things to be angry about racism, the post that seems to have set you off is certainly not one of them.
5
Children categorize everything from food to toys to people at a young age. However, it takes years before their cognitive abilities allow them to successfully use more than one attribute to categorize anything. In the meantime, the attribute they rely on is that which is the most clearly visible. Once a child identifies someone as most closely resembling himself, the child likes that person the most. The spontaneous tendency to assume your group shares characteristics—such as niceness, or smarts—is called essentialism. Kids never think groups are random. We might imagine we’re creating color-blind environments for children, but differences in skin color or hair or weight are like differences in gender—they’re plainly visible. We don’t have to label them for them to become salient. Even if no teacher or parent mentions race, kids will use skin color on their own. Race is recognized by all children, about themselves and about others. It is up to everyone in the village to make it clear to them, and each other, what these differences mean -- to nurture what nature provides. Talking with other parents to form a community response is very appropriate. Presuming that this child's actions necessarily stem from bigotry in her home environment is a mistake. Draw her parents into conversation about this topic. You well may find a parent grateful for the information, horrified at her child's behavior, and just as anxious as you are to correct her child's misdirected perceptions.
19
That child was blatantly racist, a behavior learned from either their parents or elsewhere. You are just too blind to see it.
As a parent of two white sons ages 8 and 4, I would have very much wanted you to come and tell me what happened. I can't say how that mother would've responded, but my reaction would've been swift and candid with my child, in front of all the other children and parents.
Growing up in an urban city in North Jersey, I went to preschool on up with all different races. My parents were liberal, progressive, human-loving hippies who were vocal in the 70s and 80s about equal rights and had all types of friends. They spoke openly about racism and its destruction. When I was 8, I was on the playground with my 3-year-old sister and she said to a black child: "Why is your skin dirty?" I was HORRIFIED. At 8 years old. I can remember it vividly: gasping and pulling her away, feeling dumbfounded and ashamed. I did not tell my mother, maybe out of fear of getting her in trouble, or because I felt unable to verbally fix it with the kids. I am sharing this because my little sister was also raised in the same house with the same diversity in her preschool classroom, so I will never really know why she said what she said to that other little girl or boy. We were not exposed to racist thoughts and comments within our home, yet she still expressed a degree of questioning others who looked different from her and simply needed a few words of guidance.
All of my siblings and I have grown into what our parents were, and hope that you know and believe that you do have many white allies out there.
Growing up in an urban city in North Jersey, I went to preschool on up with all different races. My parents were liberal, progressive, human-loving hippies who were vocal in the 70s and 80s about equal rights and had all types of friends. They spoke openly about racism and its destruction. When I was 8, I was on the playground with my 3-year-old sister and she said to a black child: "Why is your skin dirty?" I was HORRIFIED. At 8 years old. I can remember it vividly: gasping and pulling her away, feeling dumbfounded and ashamed. I did not tell my mother, maybe out of fear of getting her in trouble, or because I felt unable to verbally fix it with the kids. I am sharing this because my little sister was also raised in the same house with the same diversity in her preschool classroom, so I will never really know why she said what she said to that other little girl or boy. We were not exposed to racist thoughts and comments within our home, yet she still expressed a degree of questioning others who looked different from her and simply needed a few words of guidance.
All of my siblings and I have grown into what our parents were, and hope that you know and believe that you do have many white allies out there.
44
Finallyyyy. Please educated your uneducated white brothers and sisters.
1
You should have spoken to the mother. She may have no idea these ideas are forming in her daughter's brain and she might want to take action. Several years ago, my blonde daughter suddenly started pointing to pictures of darker skinned children in her books and saying they were ugly. I was shocked and very upset. I realized that, while she wasn't getting those ideas from me or her father, we hadn't been actively teaching her NOT to be a little racist. It wasn't too late to begin to turn things around, although in our culture it's an ongoing effort.
13
White people get very flustered and defensive when the term "racism" Is even brought into conversation. This is why the narrator was hesitant to do so.
3
I am tired of these hyperbole articles. Everybody modifies there behavior around people. It is just an assumption that this girl is being taught racism. If the remarks were about something other than skin color it would be no big deal. If people want to dwell on all the negative things that happen to them and lay them on the shoulders of a 5 year old they have bigger problems than racism.
15
My son won't let me say that I "grew up" in Maplewood. He said to me, as the judge of my behavior that he, probably quite rightly, feels himself to be, "You may say that your spent your formative years in Maplewood, counselor; Growing Up is not in evidence."
During those wasted "formative years" I was a pretty socially non-adept kid from a seriously dysfunctional "blended" family. My friends were an assortment of kids who, in what we called even then, the "Gilded Ghetto" with a significant Jewish population, consisted more of "outs" than "ins".
Two of my friends were gentile, one middle class like me and another from what I thought of as a "different family", who lived in an apartment, rather than a house as almost everyone else I palled around with, lived.
Not being part of the Jewish in-crowd, having never been a Bar Mitzvah, not attending Temple and being a pretty geekish kid, I had a broader circle of outsider kids who would tolerate me, but these two became regular buddies.
We had other differences as well. I was a total disaster at sports, and both of them were pretty good athletes, but there was enough in common that we would hang out.
The end of that was my backing off when they started using a nickname for me. "JUT" stood for Jewish Ugly Thing. Teasing was usual but this chewed at me for weeks and I became so uncomfortable that I didn't call anymore. They never seemed to notice.
Our 50th HS reunion is in a few weeks. I wonder if I'll see either of them.
During those wasted "formative years" I was a pretty socially non-adept kid from a seriously dysfunctional "blended" family. My friends were an assortment of kids who, in what we called even then, the "Gilded Ghetto" with a significant Jewish population, consisted more of "outs" than "ins".
Two of my friends were gentile, one middle class like me and another from what I thought of as a "different family", who lived in an apartment, rather than a house as almost everyone else I palled around with, lived.
Not being part of the Jewish in-crowd, having never been a Bar Mitzvah, not attending Temple and being a pretty geekish kid, I had a broader circle of outsider kids who would tolerate me, but these two became regular buddies.
We had other differences as well. I was a total disaster at sports, and both of them were pretty good athletes, but there was enough in common that we would hang out.
The end of that was my backing off when they started using a nickname for me. "JUT" stood for Jewish Ugly Thing. Teasing was usual but this chewed at me for weeks and I became so uncomfortable that I didn't call anymore. They never seemed to notice.
Our 50th HS reunion is in a few weeks. I wonder if I'll see either of them.
2
Thank you for sharing this story, Mr. Sanders. It is truly appalling that a 5 year old has already been indoctrinated, either by her parents or television or the ungodly diatribes by Trump and his party. Who knows where she heard it?
My heart goes out to you and to your family. Reading about this reminds me yet again that white privilege is real and it is my responsibility to step in when an injustice has been uttered, even by a small child.
My heart goes out to you and to your family. Reading about this reminds me yet again that white privilege is real and it is my responsibility to step in when an injustice has been uttered, even by a small child.
3
I'm sorry your son heard those words, and that you saw and heard that exchange. There is nothing else to say. There is only for me to work harder to fight racism wherever I see it. Thank you for you speaking out.
4
My 3.5 year old and 2 year old fluctuate between "no boys allowed", "no girls allowed" and "no grown-ups allowed" on a daily basis. Its not because my wife and I are subconsciously teaching sexism or ageism, it is the natural pushing of boundaries and defining of the "other". You should have spoken up and told the little girl what she said was mean and could hurt someones feelings. I think you have drawn the wrong conclusion from this incident. I mean maybe the girls parents were bigots but they could also have been completely wonderful people.
16
They were bigots.
With racism on the rise across the US and Europe, we have to take a stand before more people are insulted, hurt or killed. Here in Brexit Britain, hate crimes are on the rise. As a white woman who is only occasionally exposed to racism (Go home Yank) but is well acquainted with misogyny, I have taken a deliberate decision not to remain a bystander when I witness any sort of this behaviour.
I was on an crowded elevator recently during rush hour. Accepted practice is to move forward and crowd in. On this occasional, an elderly English woman stopped 1/3 of the way into the elevator then started complaining loudly about how everyone must be foreigners to crowd her like that. I decided to be brave and call her out. I said "I doubt that is the reason". What surprised me what that this small attempt to stand up to her emboldened others. A young Muslim woman smiled at me then said to her, "Why do you move in a little mamam. You will be more comfortable" Then others piped in. I learned that if I take the first step, others are likely to support me and that remaining polite was definitely the high road.
Unfortunately the woman went on to insult all manner of other "different" people (with tattoos, earnings, etc.) so we didn't change her but we left feeling a bit of camaraderie and that not everyone was a bigot.
I was on an crowded elevator recently during rush hour. Accepted practice is to move forward and crowd in. On this occasional, an elderly English woman stopped 1/3 of the way into the elevator then started complaining loudly about how everyone must be foreigners to crowd her like that. I decided to be brave and call her out. I said "I doubt that is the reason". What surprised me what that this small attempt to stand up to her emboldened others. A young Muslim woman smiled at me then said to her, "Why do you move in a little mamam. You will be more comfortable" Then others piped in. I learned that if I take the first step, others are likely to support me and that remaining polite was definitely the high road.
Unfortunately the woman went on to insult all manner of other "different" people (with tattoos, earnings, etc.) so we didn't change her but we left feeling a bit of camaraderie and that not everyone was a bigot.
17
I had kind of a similar experience with my 6-year old (white) daughter before Super Bowl XXII. We were on the phone, and she informed me that the quarterback for my team was black. I kind of knew where this was coming from. I took a deep breath and said, Yes, and what difference does that make?
She asked me why would they play a black man at quarterback? I explained to her that in sports, the team plays the best person they have at each position. It doesn't matter what color their skin is, if they are the best, they play. We had a conversation about why that was and why it was a good thing.
Then on Sunday, she came over to my house and we watched the game together, cheering on my team. Of course, Doug Williams was the MVP that day.
I really think that one experience had a lot to do with shaping her views on race and treating other people fairly.
So I agree with what Mr. Sanders said, but I would like to add another thought. It is also incumbent upon white people to stand up and point out the stupidity involved with racial and other intolerance. Children need to learn early on not to judge people by the color of their skin or other superficial differences, but as human beings, on the basis of their individual worth.
She asked me why would they play a black man at quarterback? I explained to her that in sports, the team plays the best person they have at each position. It doesn't matter what color their skin is, if they are the best, they play. We had a conversation about why that was and why it was a good thing.
Then on Sunday, she came over to my house and we watched the game together, cheering on my team. Of course, Doug Williams was the MVP that day.
I really think that one experience had a lot to do with shaping her views on race and treating other people fairly.
So I agree with what Mr. Sanders said, but I would like to add another thought. It is also incumbent upon white people to stand up and point out the stupidity involved with racial and other intolerance. Children need to learn early on not to judge people by the color of their skin or other superficial differences, but as human beings, on the basis of their individual worth.
9
My kids both played hockey in the Greater Toronto Hockey League. Especially as the kids were in their teen years, racial slurs were used as a means of bravado. Blacks, Chinese, Jews, South Asians - all got targeted.
Anyone caught was immediately suspended and brought in front of the league for a hearing. Parents were totally humiliated. Often, honestly, the kids had NOT learned this at home but were emulating what they had seen on the Internet.
In this case, obviously the child did learn it at home. The parent should have been publicly confronted. I would not confront kids as the author suggests. You will come off as inappropriate and shift the focus from the kid.
Anyone caught was immediately suspended and brought in front of the league for a hearing. Parents were totally humiliated. Often, honestly, the kids had NOT learned this at home but were emulating what they had seen on the Internet.
In this case, obviously the child did learn it at home. The parent should have been publicly confronted. I would not confront kids as the author suggests. You will come off as inappropriate and shift the focus from the kid.
2
But if the child is not confronted, how would they learn that their actions is inappropriate?
3
This is something I feel very strongly about having grappled with it all my life. Now that I have brown kids I'm living it anew. I think the author's experience it is very important for people to hear. I'd like to say two things.
One, to readers who react defensively and impatiently. Know that many of you don't share the same reality as a parent of color. Try to listen without reacting. Try to understand the frustrations even if you don't agree with the thinking.
To the author, I completely understand your utter frustration with racism. Our work is to make the world a better place for the next generation. When something offensive comes from a child that young I agree that it is good to confront it directly. It is important to react firmly, but kindly. Often at this age kids say things without realizing their impact. I think it benefits all when racism (and sexism etc) is confronted gently in a "you ought to know better" tone. Children are used to being given this kind of guidance and will likely just carry on playing but it will be internalized is feedback we need to give them as a society.
I also think it is better not to reflexively assume that the child in this situation comes from a home where racism is condoned or encouraged. Not to say that I don't believe that many children are brought up in homes where casual, even virulent racism exists. Just that children say othering things all the time and as a person of color, I know we often make racist assumptions too.
One, to readers who react defensively and impatiently. Know that many of you don't share the same reality as a parent of color. Try to listen without reacting. Try to understand the frustrations even if you don't agree with the thinking.
To the author, I completely understand your utter frustration with racism. Our work is to make the world a better place for the next generation. When something offensive comes from a child that young I agree that it is good to confront it directly. It is important to react firmly, but kindly. Often at this age kids say things without realizing their impact. I think it benefits all when racism (and sexism etc) is confronted gently in a "you ought to know better" tone. Children are used to being given this kind of guidance and will likely just carry on playing but it will be internalized is feedback we need to give them as a society.
I also think it is better not to reflexively assume that the child in this situation comes from a home where racism is condoned or encouraged. Not to say that I don't believe that many children are brought up in homes where casual, even virulent racism exists. Just that children say othering things all the time and as a person of color, I know we often make racist assumptions too.
62
Mr. Sanders story brought this old man's mind back over sixty years to a grammar school playground in Middlesex county, Massachusetts. I don't learn about the existance of racism at home. I also learned racism existed on the playground during recess and within earshot of an adult. The adult was a young white grammer school teacher. She looked pained and looked away.
The racist words including a certain word starting with "N" I had never heard came out of the mouth of a boy in my class who's dad worked at a nearby Army base. They were aimed at boy from my neighborhood who I was friends with.
The boy who said the racist words of exclusion didn't like me either because my dad was Swedish and spoke with an accent and had been in the Merchant Marine and not the Army. His name was Dewitt and he wore "Enginner boots" which he liked to kick people with and he was the class bully.
I spoke to my parents about what I heard and saw and they told me never to use "that word" and to stay friends with the little boy who Dewitt had wanted to exclude and stay away from Dewit.
But somehow Dewit had poisoned everyone within earshot on that playground that fall morning. Because our class learned racism and class that day. The "rich kids" from "old families" in "the center" started shunning the kids from the "new houses" being built in the old farming part of town. Those kids broke into Dewitt's gang and the "other kids" from "new families" who's parents had "gone to college".
The racist words including a certain word starting with "N" I had never heard came out of the mouth of a boy in my class who's dad worked at a nearby Army base. They were aimed at boy from my neighborhood who I was friends with.
The boy who said the racist words of exclusion didn't like me either because my dad was Swedish and spoke with an accent and had been in the Merchant Marine and not the Army. His name was Dewitt and he wore "Enginner boots" which he liked to kick people with and he was the class bully.
I spoke to my parents about what I heard and saw and they told me never to use "that word" and to stay friends with the little boy who Dewitt had wanted to exclude and stay away from Dewit.
But somehow Dewit had poisoned everyone within earshot on that playground that fall morning. Because our class learned racism and class that day. The "rich kids" from "old families" in "the center" started shunning the kids from the "new houses" being built in the old farming part of town. Those kids broke into Dewitt's gang and the "other kids" from "new families" who's parents had "gone to college".
6
I am disappointed about all the too typical white response of telling a story about how you once suffered discrimination. That is irrelevant isn't it. If we can't admit our priveledge much is lost. In regards to the actual story, research strongly shows that if we don't overtly talk to our children about racism, they will develop racist ideas on their own as they try to find their places in life and are exposed to representation on the internet, tv, medias, etc. My son has said things like "bad people live in this neighborhood" which has resulted in some great conversations about how we interpret what the media dishes out and why we think what we think....and why he, a white boy, can wear what he wants and style his hair how he wants and not be judged as "bad" when a black boy might not have that freedom in untreated today. It does start at home, but being passively "colorblind" around our kids can inadvertently contribute to them having racist ideas.
20
I am so sad and angry that our children must learn this all over again. Nobody can say mean, cruel things on the playground. It's breaking a rule- the Golden Rule if you will- and has to be taught over and over and over again. It takes such love and endurance to break the walls of ignorance. My kids are grown, but as a teacher, I would handle this incident by approaching the offending girl and asking her why she is saying such mean words. I'd keep at it until she changed her mind. Meanwhile any child of color could get on or off the spinner because I'd position kids if necessary. No blame, no guilt trips, just education. We are not cruel to each other, not even to the offending kid. We speak respectfully. Adults can teach kindness. We are all educators. Your little boy is happy, and he should remain happy. There is no acceptable reason to make anybody else feel bigger by dragging your son down.
10
I read what you have written with disbelief, not of your words, but the truth they convey. It is truly unbelievable that in our nation at this time such stereotypical racism is being voiced by a child who should not be aware of anything, but the difference she notes in skin color.
Naively I have to ask myself where did she get and how did she form this absurdity which will guide her, however unconsciously, throughout her life?
Much like the fact there are other life forms; dogs, cats, horses and cows, it seems clear she may have first noted at a level of simple personal observation variations in people between sexes, height and weight among her peers and skin color in all shapes, size and age existing as part of the natural world. Her separation and exclusion at this age level is clearly a result of parental influence.
Beliefs of this sort like any other are externally instilled through teaching that can only be considered aberrant
Unfortunately, and I use this word in its most accurate sense, racism is a social disease which infects all of us innocent of its personal contact or not. We are forced to breathe the fetid air emanating from a constantly exhumed corpse many of us have thought long buried and unable to be resurrected in a society we now unmistakably share with other more ignorant and fearful people.
Some will pray which, while comforting, will not stop those who prey.
Electing educated and thoughtful people to office is the only way forward.
VOTE!
Naively I have to ask myself where did she get and how did she form this absurdity which will guide her, however unconsciously, throughout her life?
Much like the fact there are other life forms; dogs, cats, horses and cows, it seems clear she may have first noted at a level of simple personal observation variations in people between sexes, height and weight among her peers and skin color in all shapes, size and age existing as part of the natural world. Her separation and exclusion at this age level is clearly a result of parental influence.
Beliefs of this sort like any other are externally instilled through teaching that can only be considered aberrant
Unfortunately, and I use this word in its most accurate sense, racism is a social disease which infects all of us innocent of its personal contact or not. We are forced to breathe the fetid air emanating from a constantly exhumed corpse many of us have thought long buried and unable to be resurrected in a society we now unmistakably share with other more ignorant and fearful people.
Some will pray which, while comforting, will not stop those who prey.
Electing educated and thoughtful people to office is the only way forward.
VOTE!
4
Shame on this little girl and her parents! You should confront her and her parents to let them know that her talk and behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
3
I think it's also important to recognize that it's not the responsibility of people of color to educate white people about racism. It's the job of white people to educate themselves about racism and to become allies in the fight to end racism. Few would expect a white parent to teach someone who hurt their child that what they did wrong; instead, they would be applauded for taking care of their child. The writer's first obligation was to his son, not to the white girl or her mother or to their education. Part of white privilege is the luxury of not having to think about one's race. What the author of this piece does is show that even in a community like Maplewood, a person of color does not have the privilege of not thinking about his or her race--ever.
16
Thank you for this. I've always said that racism isn't Black people's problem; the effect of racism is. The father's duty was to make sure his son was okay. I have no doubt that if he had tried to 'educate' the little girl, it would have turned into an ugly scene with a 'militant' Black man abused an innocent little White girl.
White people need to start taking some responsibility and taking some action. If a a little girl is saying things like that on the playground, it's not Black people who have failed.
White people need to start taking some responsibility and taking some action. If a a little girl is saying things like that on the playground, it's not Black people who have failed.
6
There is no way to fail a test that probes open ended interpretive qualities. The results offer only descriptions that can be categorized for some understanding of conceptual patterns that may reveal something of informative value. Not so with this piece. So many of you have failed this test with ignorance, shame, negativity, heartlessness. What a revelation. Very sad story made sadder by attitudes portrayed in the responses. Yes, there were a few wholesome, intelligent reactions. Not enough.
2
It is the sheer provincialism of it the stuns me: the casual suburban assumption of superiority, the self imposed alienation of white tribalism. It would be just sad, if it were not so dangerous, so destructive.
4
I personally like the way your little son handled it by moving out of the way, laughing and continuing to play. He let the little racist girl know that her words had no effect on him. Of course, as you say, as he grows older, it will be harder and harder to deflect and move himself out of harm's way when the long arm of racism comes perniciously crashing, but hopefully not crushing, his way.
11
I don't know what the answer is or feel I can lecture the author on things that are outside of my European-American experience. I do know that this is the first article I've read on the topic that hit me so viscerally. Maybe it's cumulative effect, maybe it's the involvement of children or maybe this is just exceptionally well written. Thanks
8
I really appreciated reading this, as the parent of white children. It's a reminder that standing idly by when our kids "divide and conquer" on the playground or anywhere else, even when it might seem or be innocent, makes the parents complicit too. My kids are still very young, and I really believe teaching inclusiveness falls on all of us.
And I hope that if my child ever does something like this, the parents speak up, because I want my kids to learn that we are all human and that there is so much more that unites us.
And I hope that if my child ever does something like this, the parents speak up, because I want my kids to learn that we are all human and that there is so much more that unites us.
46
Thank you for this beautifully written essay.
4
One day my preschool aged girls were running around the yard with a neighbor boy and suddenly they start shouting "kill all the Jews." We are jewish and i was appalled trying to figure out where they heard this, who I should talk to at their daycare center, really horrified. We told them that they shouldn't say such things, that we're proud to be Jewish, their friend isn't but his mom agreed,etc. But where did this idea come from? Later they sat down to watch some of their favorite videos, including Rugrats Passover. And suddenly I figured it out, they repeated what they heard, absorbed from the passovrr story.
I dont know what was going on in that little girl's head but maybe a conversation with her parent would have been enlightening. As a parent I would've wanted to know
I dont know what was going on in that little girl's head but maybe a conversation with her parent would have been enlightening. As a parent I would've wanted to know
93
I understand why the author didn't, he explained his predicament well, but it would have been interesting if he and the girl's parent could have sat her down and asked her: "Why did you say that?"
1
When my twin sons were 5 years old they came home from kindergarten one day and one of them said, matter of factly, "I don't like brown people." I was so stunned I was momentarily speechless. Ironically, one of their best buddies was brown. So I sat down with my son and looked him in the eyes and said, "What do you mean? You hardly know any brown people!" He smiled at me and said, "And that's good, Mom, because I don't like them!" This was unacceptable to me, but I realized in that moment that in our white suburban school district there were hardly any people who didn't look exactly like us. My solution was, starting the next year, in first grade, to have our sons bused to an integrated inner city school, where white children were the minority. I've never regretted this decision, and more importantly, my sons, now grown, have told me they're glad I did it, because they soon learned that friends come in all different colors, as well as from all different backgrounds. I am so glad I didn't just let that comment pass.
16
It is a shame that you feel that you must confront these sorts of situations on your own, In most groups of white people there are some who are ready, willing, and able to take a stand with you. There are a good number of whites who appreciate what it means to be the only black in a crowd and they will stand up to racism with you. Fighting racism on your own is a lonely and maddening effort. Most likely you're not alone. Keep the faith.
2
What I'm noticing here is that unfortunately you and your wife had endless discussion about the incident and the white mom had none. I'm also noticing that the NYT Opinion pages are currently busy carrying on endless discussion of Trump and not so much about racial justice. There is only so much room for discussion and its not right for the racial justice conversations to be so lopsided and fall on the victim. Unfortunately this is where conversations about bullying and women as target of unwanted sexual attention so often end up - blame the victim, expect the victim to be the change they want to see in the world.
As a parent I would have loved to know my kid was saying things I would find offensive. And as a white woman, I appreciate how I would have reacted if you had approached me with your (justified) anger. Thank you for the pause, and after you are calm please consider that not all parents are saying this at home, and not all parents would dismiss 'only whites' as just kids being kids. No one likes criticism of one's parenting style - but it's also helpful in a village to hear direct from the source that they heard a child say something hurtful (or did something wrong).
I've tried to raise moral children - and I know I need help doing it. It's so hard to do right - thank you for this piece. Even as the NYTimes keeps up the conversation about Trump, we also need to keep open the conversation that has begun about the need for racial justice in our society.
As a parent I would have loved to know my kid was saying things I would find offensive. And as a white woman, I appreciate how I would have reacted if you had approached me with your (justified) anger. Thank you for the pause, and after you are calm please consider that not all parents are saying this at home, and not all parents would dismiss 'only whites' as just kids being kids. No one likes criticism of one's parenting style - but it's also helpful in a village to hear direct from the source that they heard a child say something hurtful (or did something wrong).
I've tried to raise moral children - and I know I need help doing it. It's so hard to do right - thank you for this piece. Even as the NYTimes keeps up the conversation about Trump, we also need to keep open the conversation that has begun about the need for racial justice in our society.
2
The one consolation, in your article and my experience, is the resilience of kids. The ray of light is that your son continued playing. And he has your love and support. A small experience like this is preparation for a world that shifts without enough change. I believe that kids whose own emotional attachments and sense of security are strong can better weather the kinds of mistreatment that life throws at them. Puzzling through a response as a parent, whatever your decision, is a sign of the kind of parental love that makes living in a racist world slightly more tolerable, and makes your child much more likely to stand up for himself (or simply continue playing) than to be crushed and defeated. We need more parents like you, and more stories that put these issues out there.
6
"It’s clear that someone in that little girl’s life is pursuing a different goal."
No, very likely not true. As described in the book NurtureShock, research has shown that kids actually generate racism on their own when they notice differences in skin color or appearance. Liberal white parents tend to think that they shouldn't refer to race or talk about differences in order to raise kids to be colorblind, but it turns out that unless you actively talk to your children about the differences that they will inevitably notice and TEACH them not to judge people based on race, they are fully capable of coming by racism all on their own.
Knowing this might be helpful to the author or others. If you approached the mother in a matter-of-fact way to let her know what her daughter said, I bet there's a very good chance she'd be surprised and apologetic and realize she needs to talk with her daughter.
No, very likely not true. As described in the book NurtureShock, research has shown that kids actually generate racism on their own when they notice differences in skin color or appearance. Liberal white parents tend to think that they shouldn't refer to race or talk about differences in order to raise kids to be colorblind, but it turns out that unless you actively talk to your children about the differences that they will inevitably notice and TEACH them not to judge people based on race, they are fully capable of coming by racism all on their own.
Knowing this might be helpful to the author or others. If you approached the mother in a matter-of-fact way to let her know what her daughter said, I bet there's a very good chance she'd be surprised and apologetic and realize she needs to talk with her daughter.
102
I grew up in Maplewood and went through the public schools there. When a boy asked me what I was and I told him my mom was black and my dad was white, he said, "Oh, so you're a honky AND a nigger!" I was stunned. When he called me both names again during Social Studies (ha!), our teacher marched him straight to the principal's office, returned to class, assigned a quiet project to everyone, then quietly walked to my desk and set a dictionary down on it. It was open to the word and definition for "mulatto." She put her hand on my shoulder and pat it. This happened when I was in sixth grade.
I remember feeling grateful to that teacher for handling my awakening to race in such a calm, authoritative, compassionate manner. I doubt the boy knew any more about race than I did; we were both little kids. But he hurt me, and the teacher—the adult—took action. Thanks, Mrs. C.
I remember feeling grateful to that teacher for handling my awakening to race in such a calm, authoritative, compassionate manner. I doubt the boy knew any more about race than I did; we were both little kids. But he hurt me, and the teacher—the adult—took action. Thanks, Mrs. C.
5
Thank you. There are still people in this country who don't know this stuff happens! They need to know. And be exposed to the various ways of growing and learning and teaching despite such plagues as this.
2
It seems that the people writing comments here claiming the author made up this story are following the same strategy used by Trump and his supporters, that any woman claiming to have been groped by Trump have made it up.
5
Children sometimes make innocent mistakes and they sometimes say hurtful things with no intention of being hurtful. It's our job to correct them and to refrain from shaming them if they made a mistake because they don't understand the implications of what they've done. It's also our job, as human beings living in a complicated society, to avoid creating narratives about other people without speaking with them. It's a risk to be vulnerable and speak to others when were hurt, but it's better than making assumptions.
55
As a young child another young child teased me because I was Asian-American. Her mom heard and immediately took her aside to scold her and made her apologize to me.
If I had been you, my opening line might have been "Excuse me, but your daughter just said something very upsetting. She said......." and then wait for the parent to react. It might be that the parent would actually be appalled and do something to correct her child; sometimes the things children learn and imitate aren't necessarily from their parents but from friends, other relatives, television, etc .
If I had been you, my opening line might have been "Excuse me, but your daughter just said something very upsetting. She said......." and then wait for the parent to react. It might be that the parent would actually be appalled and do something to correct her child; sometimes the things children learn and imitate aren't necessarily from their parents but from friends, other relatives, television, etc .
7
I wonder, how much does it help to travel? I mean to travel to and spend time in Africa, where an African American kid or adult can experience life without their race being highlighted. How does this help, if it does, and what's the effect? Is there any study or writing about this?
I stand with everyone against racism and prejudice. Having said that, did it occur to anyone that the little girl was just saying something stupid? My kids (boys and girls) have tried the "no girls/boys allowed" thing, and young children are prone to nonchalantly discriminate recess group play dynamics on height, weight, hair length, and just about anything they can differentiate. Of course, I always intervene with appropriate educational and corrective action, but I don't think anyone would assume that I taught them those things out of prejudice and spite. Isn't it simpler just to see a little girl who accidentally tripped on a very sensitive subject, address her and her parents and move on rather than equate this to a national while conspiracy of inequality and hate?
9
I am 68 years old and have never had children, but this is one of the saddest stories I have ever read. The only thing that wasn't clear to me is what the father plans to do when something like that happens again. I am a black woman and I know it will happen again. I know.
2
Trying to turn a children's game into a race riot is one of the many reasons white adults try to stay away from blacks to begin with. In these situations whites tend to just move on. This is, of course, an example of white priviledge. But black parents seem to want to take every opportunity to relive the glory days of the civil rights movement that they were never part of. Good luck. The kids are just trying to move on and you should be doing the best you can to help them.
3
No. Thats the problem. Folks just want to move on. Stuff swept under the rug tends to blow up nastily! Its a teaching moment. Moving on without letting children know their behavior is wrong is what gave us Donald Trump.
3
Hydra: The father who relates this story was trying very hard to avoid " turning a children's game into a race riot." He spoke very convincingly of controlling his natural feelings, thinking very carefully about the potential negative outcomes of anything that he might do or say. Instead he has castigated himself thoroughly since then about how he may have failed his child by not being more confrontational-politely, or maybe not so politely. Interpretations like yours reveal a lot of hostility.
6
I would have told the mother, privately, in a matter of fact way. Don't assume she "learned" that at home. You would probably be able to tell from the mother's reaction. You also might have given the mother a chance to let her child know not to hurt people like that.
My daughter went to preschool where half the children were white, half black. She asked me one day how come the kids with brown skin went on a but and the kids with white skin were picked up by their mothers. I never would have guessed that at 3 years old she noticed that. How do you tell a 3 year old why people of different colors live in different neighborhoods.
My daughter went to preschool where half the children were white, half black. She asked me one day how come the kids with brown skin went on a but and the kids with white skin were picked up by their mothers. I never would have guessed that at 3 years old she noticed that. How do you tell a 3 year old why people of different colors live in different neighborhoods.
6
By telling the truth.
I'm very sorry this happened to your son and to you and to the little girl, too. Given the irrational terror that the mere sight of a black man can evoke in some white people, you made the right decision not to say anything to the children. However, I wish you had spoken, gently but unambiguously, to the little girl's mother. She might have gotten defensive. She might have tried to deny what happened. She might have been mortified. But she should have been told, if only for her little girl's sake.
Ugh, this piece pained me. I'm interracial and grew up in Maplewood. I hope the author sees that girl and her parents at Memorial Park again and recounts what happened and refers them to this excellent NYT piece. Sure, kids say the darnedest things, but that girl said the damnedest thing and should be brought to task for it. She is tarnishing Maplewood's standing as a progressive, get-along town. (It was 35 years ago, at least; it feels more stressed out and less friendly these days.)
Also, I don't see the point in recalibrating. Life is too short and precious, and people of color have nothing to prove to whites. I write this without malice or cynicism.
Also, I don't see the point in recalibrating. Life is too short and precious, and people of color have nothing to prove to whites. I write this without malice or cynicism.
3
I can see why you didn't speak up at the playground, but I wish I'd been there to do so for you.....or that someone else had spoken on your behalf. We cannot sit by and say nothing when we see or hear someone being treated so unfairly.
3
What a powerful article - important and necessary. I only wish it would be on the news - in the headlines - the most important thing talked about. But sadly - sensationalism is what it is all about these days. Mr. Sanders - you wrote eloquently about your experience but also ask important questions. I think of myself as an anomaly because I am a white 66 year old woman who grew up in South Bend, Indiana. I was a senior in high school during the riots of 1968. My parents - God Bless Them - were pioneers of their time in their life philosophy of people being the same in all respects regardless of skin color. They had friends of all races, colors, and religions. They taught me by what they modeled. I am grateful beyond words but also realize how, for their time, they were unusual and special!
A wonderfully well-written and thought-provoking piece. It's certainly possible that this little girl was reflecting what she heard at home; but it could have been a thoughtless comment misappropriated from any number of sources. As for the white parent that you confided in... I tried to put myself in his shoes (though I am a white woman) and wondered what I would have said. Maybe something similar if I'd known it to be true of this child or her parents. I might have suggested that you approach the mother- I'd want to know if my child had said that. There are constructive ways to do that.
But your judgement that this parent was trying to 'explain it' may be off-target. He was likely reacting to the situation on the fly with the least controversial thing he could think of. I would ask you to flip your question: 'Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am...' When that father answered, he was probably doing just the sort of mental gymnastics you discuss: Does he know you? Does he know these other parents? What's an 'appropriate' response beyond disavowing the ugliness of the comment? What is a 'supportive' comment v pandering. Much of progressive, white America is as worried about giving offense as you are at receiving it. Hard as it is, we all have to let down our defenses a bit. As for your son, I suspect that you and your wife will make sure he grows up resilient, yet compassionate.
But your judgement that this parent was trying to 'explain it' may be off-target. He was likely reacting to the situation on the fly with the least controversial thing he could think of. I would ask you to flip your question: 'Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am...' When that father answered, he was probably doing just the sort of mental gymnastics you discuss: Does he know you? Does he know these other parents? What's an 'appropriate' response beyond disavowing the ugliness of the comment? What is a 'supportive' comment v pandering. Much of progressive, white America is as worried about giving offense as you are at receiving it. Hard as it is, we all have to let down our defenses a bit. As for your son, I suspect that you and your wife will make sure he grows up resilient, yet compassionate.
3
After reading this harrowing, painful account, I had to drink a mug of fresh herbal tea to calm my quivering outrage. I'm still boiling. There is no doubt in my mind that the little girl on the playground has a long history of hate crimes left in her wake. If our playgrounds can't be our safe spaces, what can? We should build a wall around every playground in this nation to prevent bigoted children from mixing with the rest of us.
I demand that the Times publish this 5-year-old girl's picture and full name, so that her past victims can come forward. Furthermore, the next time the author sends his son to school, please outfit him with a wire or some other recording device so that we have a record of this little girl spewing her vile impulses. She may decide to run for class president someday, and the voters will have a right to know what festers inside her dark heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for trusting us to share and comment on this profound heartache. I hope it helps to know that come Nov 8, we will finally make recess safe again.
I demand that the Times publish this 5-year-old girl's picture and full name, so that her past victims can come forward. Furthermore, the next time the author sends his son to school, please outfit him with a wire or some other recording device so that we have a record of this little girl spewing her vile impulses. She may decide to run for class president someday, and the voters will have a right to know what festers inside her dark heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for trusting us to share and comment on this profound heartache. I hope it helps to know that come Nov 8, we will finally make recess safe again.
7
Seconded. I went to sleep upset after reading this account and am still rattled and angry this morning.
1
Why are your words so angry?
We should never forget Oscar Hammerstein II's lyrics from the song in the musical South Pacific "You've Got to be Carefully Taught:"
You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!
You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!
2
I really applaud the author for writing this and sharing his perspective. The more we can converse about such things, the better off we all will be. I had a moment of thinking, though, what if her parents had tried to talk to her about race and she, as a five year old girl, was setting rules based merely on differences. E.g., what if to her, black vs white is no more consequential than boy vs girl? If she had said only girls, would the author have felt the same?
I say this because when I was five years old, we lived in a rural, white community; I had never seen a black person. One day, while watching a National Geographic special about some aspect of the African continent with my father, I asked him why the people had dark skin. My father, ever the intellectual, tried to explain it as an evolutionary adaptation to living in a place with significant amounts of sun, causing skin to have more melanin as protection against the sun. I took that to mean black people lived in Africa.
Not long after, when we saw a black family - the first I had seen - I asked, quite loudly, why they weren't in Africa. To that family it was surely the most racist comment that could come out of a young white child's mouth. But it was never meant as such - rather, a young child did not understand the explanation given her, or the social import, of race. I can assure you my parents were mortified and horrified at the situation. But there was no malice.
I say this because when I was five years old, we lived in a rural, white community; I had never seen a black person. One day, while watching a National Geographic special about some aspect of the African continent with my father, I asked him why the people had dark skin. My father, ever the intellectual, tried to explain it as an evolutionary adaptation to living in a place with significant amounts of sun, causing skin to have more melanin as protection against the sun. I took that to mean black people lived in Africa.
Not long after, when we saw a black family - the first I had seen - I asked, quite loudly, why they weren't in Africa. To that family it was surely the most racist comment that could come out of a young white child's mouth. But it was never meant as such - rather, a young child did not understand the explanation given her, or the social import, of race. I can assure you my parents were mortified and horrified at the situation. But there was no malice.
67
It's too over and give my son and the other kids some treats. And when the little girl asked for one I would say, "No, these candies aren't for (racists, some distinctive thing she possesses which the other children didn't) ." But then, I'd give her the treat after saying, "Oh, but you were (taught, born) that way so we won't be as mean to you as you were to him . Simple lesson.
1
As a parent of two Black children (20 and 22 years old), I can truly relate.Through their elementary school years, there were so many delicate moments when race slapped me in the face as it did in your story. I attempted to shield my children from the horror by finding supportive families, schools, etc. while also being open and honest about the reality of racism and instilling confidence and pride in them for being Black. It is truly a burden and the best strategies to deal with it are ambiguous. It's easy to say - children will be children, or this is typical 5 year old behavior as I read in other comments - when you have not lived 30+ years as a Black person to know it's just the beginning of future slights with some of them tragic. It's also easy to say - I'm going to try another way - when the way your parents handle it left a scar on you, only to find that ANY way its handled leaves a scar.
My conclusion as I reflect on those years is that racism is the issue...not you, not me, not how we handle it...and certainly not our children. We're just doing the best we can.
My conclusion as I reflect on those years is that racism is the issue...not you, not me, not how we handle it...and certainly not our children. We're just doing the best we can.
2
This situation is not only about racism. If the author were not black, would the situation have been different? I'm guessing not. Most adults today seem so hesitant to interact with or instruct other people's children, to actually use teachable moments to teach children. This is about how we have abdicated from the social contract, to a place where only parents and their carefully selected surrogates have cause to influence a child's behavior. It is part and parcel of the culture that home schools, refuses vaccinations and helicopters over children aiming to give their child a leg up over all the others. It is about selfish parenting over community building. It is not new, we are suffering the impact of this culture now with the current generation of young workers. The author is correct in his decision on how to react to future situations, but should not limit this plan to episodes of racism. Responding as he describes to all exclusionary behavior by children is a starting point toward a society that cares about each other, not just our immediate family members.
37
This is unfortunate and despicable. Mr. Sanders has the choice to respond in the way which feels appropriate and safe for himself, though this was an opportunity missed. It's very likely the girl's behavior is learned - either from her family, or perhaps another child/family to whom she is acquainted.
It would be good to address with the parent. Even if the parent is the source of this bigoted talk, they would hopefully feel embarrassed enough to at least teach the girl not to say such things aloud. Perhaps the parent is not racist, would be aghast and impart a real lesson upon the child. In any case, not addressing it gives tacit approval - she'll likely utter such things until someone checks this behavior. Perhaps the school will do a better job. Sorry this happened to your son.
It would be good to address with the parent. Even if the parent is the source of this bigoted talk, they would hopefully feel embarrassed enough to at least teach the girl not to say such things aloud. Perhaps the parent is not racist, would be aghast and impart a real lesson upon the child. In any case, not addressing it gives tacit approval - she'll likely utter such things until someone checks this behavior. Perhaps the school will do a better job. Sorry this happened to your son.
3
Nice to have a "racism article" every day in the NYTimes for the last 4 years. A few more of them and everything will be fine.
7
Maybe I would be quick to make up an excuse...they're just kids, they don't know what it means, something like that. But I read the New York area parenting message boards where parents discuss moving to Maplewood but are cautioned--the schools are "iffy," because...you know...
And I imagine those people as this little girl's parents.
I'm white, and it makes me angry. I can't begin to understand how the author must feel. All I can say is that I grew up in the most ethnically diverse zip code in the United States, and now I live in the Bronx, because i want my children to have a similar experience.
I sometimes find myself wanting to signal that although I'm white, I'm safe, that I am not like them.
And I imagine those people as this little girl's parents.
I'm white, and it makes me angry. I can't begin to understand how the author must feel. All I can say is that I grew up in the most ethnically diverse zip code in the United States, and now I live in the Bronx, because i want my children to have a similar experience.
I sometimes find myself wanting to signal that although I'm white, I'm safe, that I am not like them.
53
Its up to all parents white or black to step in when this happens and talk to the children directly as the writer suggests. Children are learning, they are sponges and I believe would actually welcome the attention, its certainly a teaching moment for all of them. thank you for sharing this. There was an experiment conducted in the 60s in elementary schools where the color of your eyes was used as lesson. blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, black eyes determined your status. so kids with blue eyes lets say were "condemned and judged" as poor..or weak or another value based on nothing but their eye color. —other eye colors were given other equally arbitrary labels. It evidently profoundly impacted this study group's tolerance for others well into later life.
I can't believe so many people are excusing this child's parents. Where else would this child learn that 'White makes Right' if not at mommy and daddy's knee? Her parents probably don't have Klan hoods hanging in their closets. They're probably very nice people who would be shocked if they heard what their child said. Nevertheless, I have no doubt that that child learned that ugly behaviour from her parents.
My heart aches for Mr. Sanders. Every Black parent has to have 'the talk' with their children, even though they hope that maybe this time, it won't be necessary. But it always is necessary and probably always will be. My mother said my father cried like a baby after he had to explain what the word 'nigger' meant. He did a great job because the 'n word' has never had any effect on me. I've always believed it says a lot about the person who uses it, just like Daddy said.
Being the parent of a Black child is one of the bravest things a person can do. Raising a Black boy puts you in super-hero territory. God bless the Sanders family and God save them from as much of the ugliness of the world as possible. I don't have any prayers for that child and her family. I'll leave them to God.
My heart aches for Mr. Sanders. Every Black parent has to have 'the talk' with their children, even though they hope that maybe this time, it won't be necessary. But it always is necessary and probably always will be. My mother said my father cried like a baby after he had to explain what the word 'nigger' meant. He did a great job because the 'n word' has never had any effect on me. I've always believed it says a lot about the person who uses it, just like Daddy said.
Being the parent of a Black child is one of the bravest things a person can do. Raising a Black boy puts you in super-hero territory. God bless the Sanders family and God save them from as much of the ugliness of the world as possible. I don't have any prayers for that child and her family. I'll leave them to God.
57
You cannot assume this is taught-children as young as this often form conclusions that "other" is inferior if not taught otherwise, whether it be race, gender, language, etc. Many parents assume that if they don't point out or talk about differences, their children will grow up thinking "everyone is the same" and equal. This has been shown not to be true and that parents need to have these discussions with their children in age-appropriate ways. Children naturally "categorize" as they are learning about the world and need guidance. I have a friend who was mortified when her four year old told her (privately) that she didn't like the "kids with dark skin." She has never said anything remotely like that (in front of her kid or otherwise) but made the mistake of assuming her kid wouldn't think that way if she wasn't taught it.
2
White privilege permits the excuses for the parents. Thanks for calling it what it is.
7
Though it's a common perception that when children make racist comments, they must have been learned it from prejudiced parents, research clearly indicates that more frequently it's been absorbed from the larger society. (Consider accents: immigrant parents may speak with them but their offspring more often sound like their playmates.) Young children repeat in their play the racial hierarchies they observe in the world around them.
Talking about racial differences in a positive way is an essential piece of education for all young children.
Talking about racial differences in a positive way is an essential piece of education for all young children.
6
May we all be as alarmed and upset when women are denied entry into the "all boys" clubs which still exist. Augusta has 300 members and has exactly two token women as of today. The Supreme Court has nine judges, three of them women, and the latest nomination? Another man. Golf clubs excluding women is particularly pernicious because business deals are often done while golfing. I agree that racism is harmful, but we all need to get together and support ALL of us as we struggle for equality.
6
it's not about you. we are talking about racism not sexism. can you please just focus on the point of the article?
4
The point of the article is exclusion, not just racism, but all exclusion. See my point. We need to get together and support each other as we all struggle for equality.
2
The saddest thing about this article is that the author imputes adult racism onto a 5 year old.
I take that back; the saddest thing about this article is that a little girl said something that a little girl would say, and then another 5 year old had to spend the rest of his day listening to stories of people being shot by cops.
I take *that* back; the saddest thing about this article is that the author feels such a weight and indignity, and that there are such tragedies in the world making him feel that way.
I take that back; the saddest thing about this article is that a little girl said something that a little girl would say, and then another 5 year old had to spend the rest of his day listening to stories of people being shot by cops.
I take *that* back; the saddest thing about this article is that the author feels such a weight and indignity, and that there are such tragedies in the world making him feel that way.
12
How many 5 year old girls on a playground have yelled "GIRLS ONLY!!" And how many boys have said the same thing regarding boys? Children are taught to classify and segregate based on commonalities.
I don't know this girl and I don't know her family. But it's a fair assumption that she was making a physical observation and not a racist one. It's also a fair assumption that she is being taught to be racist.
However, the worst part of this whole editorial is that where most white adults would have no trouble walking up to that girl and letting her know that segregating by race is not acceptable, the father in this story felt like he could not approach a five year old white girl on the subject because he might be perceived as "threatening". That is actual racism at work in this story.
I don't know this girl and I don't know her family. But it's a fair assumption that she was making a physical observation and not a racist one. It's also a fair assumption that she is being taught to be racist.
However, the worst part of this whole editorial is that where most white adults would have no trouble walking up to that girl and letting her know that segregating by race is not acceptable, the father in this story felt like he could not approach a five year old white girl on the subject because he might be perceived as "threatening". That is actual racism at work in this story.
127
I was the president of a preschool years ago and I say strongly you must talk to the parents. The trick is to report to them what you saw dispassionately, not to demand action.
It's very possible that the mother of that little white girl will be appalled and surprised at what her daughter said. Children learn from their peers. It’s not necessarily indicative of the family’s norms. In that case you need not make any demands. If you handle it delicately, she will be thankful that you helped her catch something early and will take the obvious steps. She may be too embarrassed to ever talk to you again, but you can't help that.
If, on the other hand, she condones her child’s behavior, there is no demand you could make that she would honor, and a confrontation would not help you in your next task: explaining to your son what just happened and how to think about it.
As parents we owe our children two things: unconditional love and a firm grip on reality. It does your son no good to pretend that there is no racism. He needs to know that some people are racists, that you know it, that he can handle it with poise, and that you are behind him.
As to the administration, they have a responsibility to expect civility and mutual respect from their charges. Demand it.
My adult children are of mixed race. Been there, done that.
It's very possible that the mother of that little white girl will be appalled and surprised at what her daughter said. Children learn from their peers. It’s not necessarily indicative of the family’s norms. In that case you need not make any demands. If you handle it delicately, she will be thankful that you helped her catch something early and will take the obvious steps. She may be too embarrassed to ever talk to you again, but you can't help that.
If, on the other hand, she condones her child’s behavior, there is no demand you could make that she would honor, and a confrontation would not help you in your next task: explaining to your son what just happened and how to think about it.
As parents we owe our children two things: unconditional love and a firm grip on reality. It does your son no good to pretend that there is no racism. He needs to know that some people are racists, that you know it, that he can handle it with poise, and that you are behind him.
As to the administration, they have a responsibility to expect civility and mutual respect from their charges. Demand it.
My adult children are of mixed race. Been there, done that.
12
When I lived in L.A., I was anglo. When my parents moved to Hawaii, I was haole. Being white ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. For the latino boys, I was a little white plaything. A group of them would follow me home from school, enclose me in a circle and pull up my dress. They never touched me but I felt as if they had.
The Polynesians (the girls, mostly) resented me and would slap me around at recess. I once wore a little wooden tiki with green rhinestones glued into the eye sockets to class. One of the girls pushed me against a school room wall and ripped it right off my neck. “You can’t wear that. You’re a haole!” Of course, I now comprehend how the latinos of L.A. and the Hawaiians of Oahu felt about the oppression by Caucasians. Yeah. I get it now. But back then I was just a lost lonely white girl who had to suck it up to survive.
9
Thanks for reminding us of the work that remains to achieve the American ideal, as well as the massive societal clean-up and containment of unearthed post-Trump racism.
9
This makes me ill. But it shouldn't be surprising because racism (and sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, class consciousness, etc.) is taught by one generation to the next and so we continue to wear the same blinders we always have.
Making such distinctions (on the part of the parents) is based in an inferiority complex and the resulting need to denigrate others so people can feel good about themselves.
I feel very sorry for that young girl. She's probably going to grow up to be a very unhappy woman. The boy will do fine because he's got a very strong and understanding father.
Making such distinctions (on the part of the parents) is based in an inferiority complex and the resulting need to denigrate others so people can feel good about themselves.
I feel very sorry for that young girl. She's probably going to grow up to be a very unhappy woman. The boy will do fine because he's got a very strong and understanding father.
8
Seems to me all the defensive comments are from the parents at the Maplewood playground.
5
When he said he'd done nothing, I stopped reading.
1
The comments I hate reading here are the ones that call into question the author's experience. There is no greater display of privilege than someone who hasn't had this experience claiming that the person who did have it is misinterpreting it. I'm sorry that this relatively small moment had such a huge ripple effect on your life; that alone is indicative of the meaning of these moments in your larger experience.
34
I agree that such situations must be handled first and foremost with the children in question. It's the only way racism learned at home can be countered early.
You ask, Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am and my mood and my music and my thoughts?
I can appreciate how tired you must be of this. As a woman, I always have to make men feel like they are important and respected and listened to, always seem appreciative of any touching or commenting that is meant as 'complimentary' without somehow giving them "the wrong idea" based on my clothes, comments, my facial expressions or my location.
You ask, Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am and my mood and my music and my thoughts?
I can appreciate how tired you must be of this. As a woman, I always have to make men feel like they are important and respected and listened to, always seem appreciative of any touching or commenting that is meant as 'complimentary' without somehow giving them "the wrong idea" based on my clothes, comments, my facial expressions or my location.
21
I tend to yell when I get angry but it hardly ever works well, and for a black man it would be even more counterproductive. I really admire cold anger and I need to learn how to do it. I thought that's what Dylan was projecting in the album Scarlettown.
1
This story isn't about 5-year-olds and it's certainly not for 5-year-olds. It's about being black and it's for us. The gradual process, recalibrations, systems kicking in, infinitesimal adjustments, all because of the color of your skin. And what if you don't have someone to model behaviors other than scorched earth.
I've heard the stories of surgeons in the world without their smocks, CEOs in the line at the grocery store. We're not going to get that last 20% continuing to say it's wrong. Stories like this help people learn what to say (like the other dad), know what to do. Thanks for putting this out there Topher.
I've heard the stories of surgeons in the world without their smocks, CEOs in the line at the grocery store. We're not going to get that last 20% continuing to say it's wrong. Stories like this help people learn what to say (like the other dad), know what to do. Thanks for putting this out there Topher.
10
How awful. I have been a victim of racist & religious bigotry my entire life. Just awful for your little boy.
Trump is portrayed by the media as a racist, I don't believe he is. Just a dope, a big dope. Hillary as sec'y of state has sent a disproportionate number of young men & women to war where 1000's have been killed, maimed, and suffer from lifetime emotional disorders. He's far from a Prince as she is from a Princess.
I bring this up because just like the 5 year olds brain has been polluted by her parents, so has the American public been polluted by CBS NYT Fox News Rush Limbaugh, ABC, NBC & others.
If everyone would stop, take a step back, and look at how we treat each other (starting with the Kardashian fueled sensationalist biased media), how we talk to each other, for the good of each other NOT for the expedience of their own agenda - maybe, just maybe....
Trump is portrayed by the media as a racist, I don't believe he is. Just a dope, a big dope. Hillary as sec'y of state has sent a disproportionate number of young men & women to war where 1000's have been killed, maimed, and suffer from lifetime emotional disorders. He's far from a Prince as she is from a Princess.
I bring this up because just like the 5 year olds brain has been polluted by her parents, so has the American public been polluted by CBS NYT Fox News Rush Limbaugh, ABC, NBC & others.
If everyone would stop, take a step back, and look at how we treat each other (starting with the Kardashian fueled sensationalist biased media), how we talk to each other, for the good of each other NOT for the expedience of their own agenda - maybe, just maybe....
My just-barely-four year old, who lives in what has been called the most diverse city in America, who shares a pre-school classroom with Asian, Latino, Black, Hispanic and Middle-Eastern kids and whose teachers share the same diversity, who spent two years cared for all day by a woman of color whom she adores (along with her entire family), answered the question "Which children at school are your friends?" with "The ones with the same skin color as mine". We were speechless. She's said nothing like this since and I don't know how to explain it. But I really do question the assertion that racism is taught. I think to some extent it is innate to notice physical differences in others and sometimes fear them. What must be taught is to embrace them, learn from them, celebrate them.
38
I know it's not true that racism is "innate"- I also grew up in a diverse environment, and I didn't even know that racial differences existed in a problematic way until maybe 18? It's society that has changed- this is not about "nature"- it's cultural.
1
If I'd heard that spoken to my child, I would have become instantly very angry. I think you absolutely did the right thing by staying silent, and deciding how to handle it next time, by showing your child how to react to racism. Unkind acts towards our children are so painful to witness.
3
Whenever I hear a story like this I'm glad I was raised in Canada.
My mother used to laugh over an incident from my childhood when my friends were were with me down in our basement. We were "too quiet" so she checked to see what we were up to, and found us inspecting a bunch of strands of hair. One Japanese, one black, and three white kids with a science-kit microscope, busy checking out our differences.
My mother used to laugh over an incident from my childhood when my friends were were with me down in our basement. We were "too quiet" so she checked to see what we were up to, and found us inspecting a bunch of strands of hair. One Japanese, one black, and three white kids with a science-kit microscope, busy checking out our differences.
7
I'm a black grandfather. I have never tolerated that and never will. This writer was a cop out. Shame on the girl, shame on the parents, shame on the writer. And I would have told them all.
7
You would have told them all what: that you've concluded they're racists on the basis of a five-year-old's improper statement? I'm sure that will be met with open ears, particularly if the parents are as unhappy about her comment as you are (which they very likely are). You should slow it down, appreciate that little kids do things without knowing, and work with the parents to help explain why she can't talk like that. I'm sure she will understand quickly and easily.
Or, you know, you can start shouting "racism" and prove to everyone what an ugly thing it really is when people make unfounded assumptions. Really grandpa.
Or, you know, you can start shouting "racism" and prove to everyone what an ugly thing it really is when people make unfounded assumptions. Really grandpa.
5
What do you do when you hear a black person make a racist remark?
7
I'm disappointed by all of the commenters who are excusing the little girl's behavior. What she said was absolutely racist, no matter her age. I hope the writer does intercede next time. If my own white child ever says a thing like that in my earshot, he will apologize, he will invite the other child to play, and he will have long talks with his family about why what he did was wrong. If what he said was not in my earshot, I would be grateful for the other parent's help.
Come on, everybody. Do you hear yourselves?
Come on, everybody. Do you hear yourselves?
64
It's absolutely not racism if it's not intended to be. Five year old kids do things like wave to dogs, which is to say that they don't know that dogs don't understand waving. They also say lots of improper things because they don't know the rule. For you to decide she's racist--a very, very serious charge--simply because she's made a socially unacceptable comment about someone's skin color is a gigantic assumption on your part. People like you fan the flames of discontent unnecessarily when you make that sort of conclusion based on zero facts. You are the one who needs to slow it down and start from the assumption that this was an innocent mistake, not that this CHILD and her family are racists.
14
I hope that if this ever happens you will stop yourself from a knee jerk reaction and take the time to ASK your child what he meant or where he got the idea to say something. Words are important, and I'm sure you will do an excellent job of explaining why what the child said was wrong. But intentions are even more important and if your child said something in innocence I hope they will be taught the right thing but not shamed or punished for making a mistake.
7
Todd, a racist comment does not make a person racist. Where in my comment did I allege that she was a racist? We will all, however, become racists, or misogynists, or bigots if our prejudices aren't called out and corrected by the people around us. And I'll thank you to remember that I said what I would do for my own child. I've corrected his behavior on playgrounds many times already, and I'm confident that it's a big part of why he is a sweet, accepting, kind little boy already.
1
Quite obviously, the white kid got those words from the adults around her, most likely the parent(s). Therefore I would have calmly pointed the incident to the mother with two assumptions in mind. Firstly, she should be made aware of what she is spreading to her innocent daughter. Secondly, the parent has to be also aware of what her kid is saying.
9
That's patently absurd. Little kids say all sorts of things all the time, and simply because a kid makes a comment about someone's appearance does not mean that (a) they heard it from their parents, or (b) they or their parents are racist. For you to jump to such a conclusion shows that you don't know little kids at all, and will likely result in a potentially unnecessary conflict with the kids' parents, who you've just concluded are racists teaching their child racist things. These kids are five years old-- the problem is most likely they don't know the rule, not that they know the rule and are willfully breaking it to use racism to hurt someone's feelings. I mean, come on.
11
Bernard you're making a lot of assumptions.
7
I read an article recently about using white privilege for good. A black women wrote the article about how, when confronted with a racist remark, it was her white sister-in-law who spoke out because she could more easily than the black woman. It seems to me one solution to what Mr. Topher faced on the playground is if white parents, white anyone, put their privilege to good use and spoke up whenever they heard or saw something racist wherever it happens. Then Mr. Topher would at least know he's got support.
12
You never know where the child picked that up. Maybe some crazy old uncle. I think you should have done yourself a favor and explained what happened to her mother. She may have been completely mortified and grateful to be able to teach her daughter how wrong and hurtful those words were to you.
18
Playground racism is shocking and common, I think. If you look different (skin color, language, facial features) and are on a playground with other children, the likelihood of being singled out and treated badly is ever present.
I was with my 6 year old nephew whose parents are Thai/white a few years back at a lake in Maine when other children who I did not know were mean to my nephew just for being on the playground. I bristled and said something to the children; a parent of the other children was close by and did nothing.
I don't know now if I could keep calm and polite if I was accompanying a child being bullied/singled out, but might consider some "polite"? way of letting the adult of the other child/children what I had seen and how I felt about the intolerance. The worst that could likely happen to me, an older white woman, is an adult becoming angry and shouting at me, but these days its not hard to imagine some kind of physical abuse from the other adult.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for African Americans, Hispanics and Asian parents who have to deal with this frequently, all of their lives.
I was with my 6 year old nephew whose parents are Thai/white a few years back at a lake in Maine when other children who I did not know were mean to my nephew just for being on the playground. I bristled and said something to the children; a parent of the other children was close by and did nothing.
I don't know now if I could keep calm and polite if I was accompanying a child being bullied/singled out, but might consider some "polite"? way of letting the adult of the other child/children what I had seen and how I felt about the intolerance. The worst that could likely happen to me, an older white woman, is an adult becoming angry and shouting at me, but these days its not hard to imagine some kind of physical abuse from the other adult.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for African Americans, Hispanics and Asian parents who have to deal with this frequently, all of their lives.
5
I observed similar situations when my own kids were small, and when they were not so small, too. Sometimes it involved race, but sometimes gender, and sometimes it involved a difference imperceptible to my adult eyes. In every case, my reaction was always the same - whether it was my kid who was pushing someone else out, or someone else's kid. I'd simply yell, "Hey, everyone plays!"
It's like being a lifeguard at a pool. You don't say "Don't run" because the last thing they hear is "run." You yell, "Walk!"
It's like being a lifeguard at a pool. You don't say "Don't run" because the last thing they hear is "run." You yell, "Walk!"
192
"People know about the Klan and the overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you."
- Samuel L. Jackson
- Samuel L. Jackson
81
If I were her mom, I wish you had calmly told me what happened. I might have no idea. Or I would wish the other dad (white?) would have said something to me. Or it would be fine in my eyes to say something calmly to the girl: like, "sweetie, you can't say whites only. All kids can play."
But it is so easy after the fact to Monday morning quarterback. And I would be receptive, but maybe this girl's mom would not.
But it is so easy after the fact to Monday morning quarterback. And I would be receptive, but maybe this girl's mom would not.
10
Eleanor was a black housekeeper and babysitter when I was 5years old (1973). I am little boy Indian-American, who was never told to hate. Apparently, I just said.. Eleanor.. "I don't like you." "Why?" she said. ... "Because your Black"...I said. Nobody taught me to say that. I just did. My father overheard me. In front of Eleanor he sat me down. "Do you like it when Eleanor plays with you?" .. "Yes." "Does she keep this house clean?" "Yes." "Does she help your mother? " "yes." "Has she only done nice things for you?..Has she ever been unkind, or mean or selfish?" .. "No" .. "So son, help me understand why you do not like her because she is black?" I felt so small that I cried and cried. I do not remember saying what I did to Eleanor, but this is the one talk from my Dad that I still remember. By not talking to her mother, you deprived this 5 year old girl of a very important learning opportunity.
17
Sunil Saluja,
Your story is moving and important. In this case, your father was talking to you, his son, about an employee and perhaps friend. The dynamics in your situation were familiar - with a person your father knew and he was also addressing the child who made the comments, all in the sphere of your home. I agree your father was helpful and imparted a lesson a child could understand.
The author states he was upset. He would have been addressing comments to a 5 year old he did not know. He did not know the child's family either.
Thank you for sharing your father's words. Perhaps some could use them to speak to their own children.
Your story is moving and important. In this case, your father was talking to you, his son, about an employee and perhaps friend. The dynamics in your situation were familiar - with a person your father knew and he was also addressing the child who made the comments, all in the sphere of your home. I agree your father was helpful and imparted a lesson a child could understand.
The author states he was upset. He would have been addressing comments to a 5 year old he did not know. He did not know the child's family either.
Thank you for sharing your father's words. Perhaps some could use them to speak to their own children.
1
I disagree with the many comments defending this girl's parents. While it is possible that she somehow soaked up racism from a source that her innocent Mom knows nothing about, it's not particularly likely. I mean, do people think a child that young is left unsupervised long enough to get horrible ideas from someplace her parents know nothing about? Not impossible, but not likely.
4
Do you know any small children? My 3-year-old son recently started saying he didn't want a woman doctor or a woman dentist. We were shocked because our household is egalitarian and he's surrounded by strong women in a variety of roles. Children notice differences and test boundaries. It's important to respond to this kind of talk immediately. If I were the mother, I'd want to know.
9
I told the dad next to me what had happened. He didn’t know what to say, because honestly, who really does? He unfortunately did what a lot of white people do in these moments: He tried to explain it. “Really?” he said. “That’s not her personality.”
I am stunned. WHY didn't that man say, "Really? I'm so, so sorry. You must feel awful. How can I help you and your son?"
Don't defend indefensible behavior, people. Instead, offer sympathy and help.
I am stunned. WHY didn't that man say, "Really? I'm so, so sorry. You must feel awful. How can I help you and your son?"
Don't defend indefensible behavior, people. Instead, offer sympathy and help.
8
That child didn't wasn't necessarily being "groomed to be racist". She might have made that up on the spot and it meant nothing to her. She might just as well have said "only girls" or "only blue sweaters".
I'm white but when I was little we lived in a black neighborhood. Then we moved to a white neighborhood. When I was 5 we were going to move again and my mother told me how nice everybody was and how happy we'd be. I had this picture of a a lot of uniform smiling faces and I pictured a black person. The uniformity was broken so I said "I hope there aren't black people there". My mother told me all about about slavery and Abraham Lincoln. I didn't understand much, but I said "I hope there are black people there" (and I meant it) and she was happy.
As an adult I met heavy woman that I'd known in my early teens. We talked about things and it came up that people made fun of her for her weight and she was really scarred by that. Suddenly I realized she was talking about ME. I was shocked. I have no memory of it. I said some nonsense that meant nothing to me but hurt somebody else for 20 years.
You should have told the child's mother.
I'm white but when I was little we lived in a black neighborhood. Then we moved to a white neighborhood. When I was 5 we were going to move again and my mother told me how nice everybody was and how happy we'd be. I had this picture of a a lot of uniform smiling faces and I pictured a black person. The uniformity was broken so I said "I hope there aren't black people there". My mother told me all about about slavery and Abraham Lincoln. I didn't understand much, but I said "I hope there are black people there" (and I meant it) and she was happy.
As an adult I met heavy woman that I'd known in my early teens. We talked about things and it came up that people made fun of her for her weight and she was really scarred by that. Suddenly I realized she was talking about ME. I was shocked. I have no memory of it. I said some nonsense that meant nothing to me but hurt somebody else for 20 years.
You should have told the child's mother.
17
Children learn not only from adults, but also from other children. Your son’s graceful response – enjoying himself, regardless of her exclusionary, rejecting words – imparted as important a lesson as anything a grown-up could have taught her.
4
You have totally missed the point of this editorial if that is your first thought. And by the way - in a playground that would not have been right either.
1
When I was about five, which was a long time ago, one of my grandmothers taught me the "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe" verse. The next day I went out to tell it to my friends. A black neighbor was standing nearby, and for a moment I had a sense that maybe something was wrong. But I thought it must be okay to say this, since my grandmother had taught it to me. So I recited the verse in front of this man. He immediately went and told my mother.
My mother knew where I had heard this. She talked to me about it in front of my grandmother. She said that she had been extremely embarrassed, and that I should never say this again. My grandmother got angry and said, "He shouldn't have complained! She's only a baby! She doesn't know better!" My mother replied, "Well, now she does!"
Even at that young age, I realized that my grandmother had known that this language was unacceptable, but had not told me. And I remembered. One of the things whites learn, growing up, is that some other whites, generally certain older people, express views that cannot be trusted about certain subjects.
My mother knew where I had heard this. She talked to me about it in front of my grandmother. She said that she had been extremely embarrassed, and that I should never say this again. My grandmother got angry and said, "He shouldn't have complained! She's only a baby! She doesn't know better!" My mother replied, "Well, now she does!"
Even at that young age, I realized that my grandmother had known that this language was unacceptable, but had not told me. And I remembered. One of the things whites learn, growing up, is that some other whites, generally certain older people, express views that cannot be trusted about certain subjects.
16
I'd like to think that I (just some white guy) would have done what the other white guy didn't do and go speak with the mother.
Not to accuse or lecture from atop a moral high-horse I've heard other white folks do.
But to have a conversation that most definitely needs to happen.
Not to accuse or lecture from atop a moral high-horse I've heard other white folks do.
But to have a conversation that most definitely needs to happen.
9
I agree. As a white, cis-gendered, heterosexual, able-bodied, college-educted male, I am in a position of social privilege relative to other demographics. My opinions are valued by my culture. That position of privilege comes with obligations.
Mr. Topher Sanders had good reasons for not giving the mother a piece of his mind, and I understand his decision completely. The other white male had no such excuse. In my opinion, people like me have an obligation to speak up against prejudice in all forms. We are either going to choose to defend the oppressed or, through out passivity, we are siding with the oppressors.
The white girl's mother has a right to know what her daughter did/said, but it is not the responsibility of people of color to teach her. I imagine that Black men, in particular, have made quite enough attempts to explain their experience to white people, only to have it fall on deaf ears. It's our duty as fair-minded white people to take on that responsibility. Not to "take over" the conversation, of course, but to help lighten the load that our neighbors have to carry.
When a person of color tells me of their experience, I am grateful, even when it is painful to hear, and having heard them, I am obligated to use my position of relative privilege to amplify their voice.
I vow to try to always do so. I won't always succeed, but I will always try.
Mr. Topher Sanders had good reasons for not giving the mother a piece of his mind, and I understand his decision completely. The other white male had no such excuse. In my opinion, people like me have an obligation to speak up against prejudice in all forms. We are either going to choose to defend the oppressed or, through out passivity, we are siding with the oppressors.
The white girl's mother has a right to know what her daughter did/said, but it is not the responsibility of people of color to teach her. I imagine that Black men, in particular, have made quite enough attempts to explain their experience to white people, only to have it fall on deaf ears. It's our duty as fair-minded white people to take on that responsibility. Not to "take over" the conversation, of course, but to help lighten the load that our neighbors have to carry.
When a person of color tells me of their experience, I am grateful, even when it is painful to hear, and having heard them, I am obligated to use my position of relative privilege to amplify their voice.
I vow to try to always do so. I won't always succeed, but I will always try.
6
What strikes me the most about these comments is the lack of empathy shown by the writers. A five-year-old boy or a 4o year old for that matter, should not have to deal with the obstacles imposed by others based on their beliefs. The road is hard enough for all of us.
7
This story like many others of this genre would lead one to think that the invidious racism in America has childhood origins. I recall an in depth study in CNN some years ago that seemed to show a child"s parenting and early environment are significant factors but not the dominant factor in determining racist behaviour. The race influenced xenophobia plaguing the Presidential campaign appears to be more due to a Phenom called Trump. He gas cleverly crafted a crude message that plays upon the nascent fears of a section of the country's white population that feels threatened by a perception that other races and non white immigrants are "taking over" all opportunities. He has whipped up a lot of hatred that may take a long time to heal. We may spend another generation scrambling to find solutions on how to restore tolerance and mollify imagined fears like this dad was in the playground.
2
Next time it happens, whether you decide to talk to the parents or to the children, I hope you won't - as you did in this op-ed - call the child a "racist." I say this for two reasons.
First, from a practical point of view, once you use the word "racist" the conversation is effectively over. Nothing that follows will have any constructive effect, other than your venting of spleen. I don't say this to suggest that venting your spleen wouldn't be justified. I say it because I want, and you appear to want, the conversation you contemplate to have some useful purpose.
Second, from a purely intellectual point of view, I can guarantee you that the child in question is not "racist." The child does not hold conscious beliefs about moral differences between the races. Being white, and having done something all-too-similar to what you describe when I was about four years old, I am positive beyond doubt that the child's action was an unthinking reaction to your son being different. She doesn't know why she said what she said, and as an adult she's likely to feel both deep guilt and genuine bafflement that she said it.
https://politicsbyeccehomo.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/of-prejudice/
First, from a practical point of view, once you use the word "racist" the conversation is effectively over. Nothing that follows will have any constructive effect, other than your venting of spleen. I don't say this to suggest that venting your spleen wouldn't be justified. I say it because I want, and you appear to want, the conversation you contemplate to have some useful purpose.
Second, from a purely intellectual point of view, I can guarantee you that the child in question is not "racist." The child does not hold conscious beliefs about moral differences between the races. Being white, and having done something all-too-similar to what you describe when I was about four years old, I am positive beyond doubt that the child's action was an unthinking reaction to your son being different. She doesn't know why she said what she said, and as an adult she's likely to feel both deep guilt and genuine bafflement that she said it.
https://politicsbyeccehomo.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/of-prejudice/
17
Ecce Homo- you need to do
some "homework"- your working definition of racism is both laughably simplistic and out of the academic mainstream- I'd suggest you start with Critical Race Theory: A Reader- a good, mostly legal but also interdisciplinary text. "Moral differences" aren't exactly at the root of what makes race a central aspect of everyday American life...
some "homework"- your working definition of racism is both laughably simplistic and out of the academic mainstream- I'd suggest you start with Critical Race Theory: A Reader- a good, mostly legal but also interdisciplinary text. "Moral differences" aren't exactly at the root of what makes race a central aspect of everyday American life...
While I would have intervened with the child, I completely understand the desire not to go "scorched earth". For those people who would dismiss his hesitation as cowardice, I am glad you have either freed yourself from concern about all the possible impacts of your words ---- because that burden can be too heavy --- or goody for you, you are one of the privileged who never have to think about how best to safeguard your black child's pride in his racial identity without making him angry and closed to white people.
5
I wish this was not happening to you and your son and to so many Africa Americans in our country. I was lucky to have white parents who stamped that evil out before it even touched us. There weren't too many chances for it to touch us in the all white Bergen County town where I grew up. We need to start building bridges at exactly the stage of life when your son first heard race based vulgarity. As a gay man without children I'm hoping to make a difference in other ways but as black and white parents you are on the front lines of this battle. Seek out like minded white parents and build a friendship. That way if or when this episode repeats itself you and your white friend can approach this little girl's parents and try to change a mind. And pray, pray, pray all day. I'm convinced that God loves to work on this sort of thing rather than protecting Oklahoma's oil wells from President Hillary as the Governor of that state recently implored the Almighty to do.
2
This is horrible and sad, but calling a 5-year-old racist is a big label. How would you like someone labeling your son sexist when he says "no girls in this fort"?
Surely this kind of talk needs to be addressed, and in the case of a 5-year-old it needs to be immediate otherwise the point is often lost. One must be careful lecturing other people's children, as I could see some problems if this girls' parent saw someone calling her racist or saying her parents are grooming her as racists.
Surely this kind of talk needs to be addressed, and in the case of a 5-year-old it needs to be immediate otherwise the point is often lost. One must be careful lecturing other people's children, as I could see some problems if this girls' parent saw someone calling her racist or saying her parents are grooming her as racists.
79
I don't think Topher was so careful lecturing the parents. By not addressing it 'time and place' and running to his keyboard to label a 5yr old (and her parents) a "little racist girl" in the NY Times it amounts to a public stoning without trial.
Compounding it—correct or not about this single person—he may have inadvertently ostracized his own son and reinforced the "us vs. them" mentality in him when his friends parents are now afraid to have him over for a play date over fear of being accused in public.
Compounding it—correct or not about this single person—he may have inadvertently ostracized his own son and reinforced the "us vs. them" mentality in him when his friends parents are now afraid to have him over for a play date over fear of being accused in public.
4
Disallowing girls from the fort IS sexist.
1
I would hesitate to say that the little girl learned this behavior at home. We are white but live in a very diverse community. My four-year old goes to a diverse day care, where her teacher is black and several of her friends are black. I have close friends who are black. My husband and I are not racist. Thus, I can say that when my four-year old said one day of her best friend that the friend's skin was not pretty because it was black, I was horrified and at a loss. She certainly did not learn that from me or her father. In the end, I don't think my daughter was being racist in the way we grown-ups think of it.
10
Of course she was not--it was her simple ignorance of the fact that "you don't talk like that," and I'm certain she understood the lesson quickly. There is more than enough racism to fight that we don't need to go looking for it in the innocent words of children. They are not purposefully and intentionally denigrating people because of their race; they're just displaying bad manners, as little kids do until they learn better.
I had a mom accost me at day care and tell me my five-year old daughter called her daughter the "n-word." She was in my face, telling me that my wife and I needed to deal with her racism. After talking to the teachers, we came to learn that in fact my daughter was explaining that you should never use "the n-word" (she never said the word) and that it could hurt people's feelings. Later that day the mom came back and apologized to me, as she should have. Point being: little kids say lots of things, many of which are untethered to our adult reality, and we would all do better to assume the best, move slow, and avoid dropping adult-sized rhetorical bombs on the typically innocent language of little kids.
I had a mom accost me at day care and tell me my five-year old daughter called her daughter the "n-word." She was in my face, telling me that my wife and I needed to deal with her racism. After talking to the teachers, we came to learn that in fact my daughter was explaining that you should never use "the n-word" (she never said the word) and that it could hurt people's feelings. Later that day the mom came back and apologized to me, as she should have. Point being: little kids say lots of things, many of which are untethered to our adult reality, and we would all do better to assume the best, move slow, and avoid dropping adult-sized rhetorical bombs on the typically innocent language of little kids.
7
It is really "racism" that motivates the little girl, though? Or is something far less troubling, just a little kid's way of dividing people up? She could have just as easily excluded him--or someone else--on the basis of their hair, their clothes, their accents.
I think it puts far too much weight to automatically assume the little girl was acting "racist." Granted, if you came to realize her parents were racist, then yes. But what if you confirmed she was raised in an anti-racism household, or, indeed, knew nothing of the idea of racism and thus didn't see a problem with excluding the boy on the basis of his skin color?
She should for sure be educated as to why she can't divide people on the basis of their skin. But to link the actions of an innocent five year old with "racism" seems a real leap, as big a leap as calling an aggressive five year old a "bully." Litt
I think it puts far too much weight to automatically assume the little girl was acting "racist." Granted, if you came to realize her parents were racist, then yes. But what if you confirmed she was raised in an anti-racism household, or, indeed, knew nothing of the idea of racism and thus didn't see a problem with excluding the boy on the basis of his skin color?
She should for sure be educated as to why she can't divide people on the basis of their skin. But to link the actions of an innocent five year old with "racism" seems a real leap, as big a leap as calling an aggressive five year old a "bully." Litt
16
I saw plenty of racism in multiple directions, often involving violence, as a child. But among my closest childhood friends were white, black, Latino, and Asian kids. My view is different than that of some respondents that I presume to be, like me, white. Maybe I benefitted from having such a diverse cultural exposure growing up. Mr. Sanders is justified in being so affected by the little girl's words to his son. The event and how he was affected is very worthy of a column as we should all reflect on his experience and think how we can participate in reducing racism by not being complicit. And I have seen my black friends go out of their way to be disarming toward whites, because they feel they better be. Additionally, white people deadpanning black, Asian, and Latino racial sensitivity has no place in the solutions. In my opinion, the cure for exclusion is responding with inclusion: on the playground, when a white and black parent address the kids together from a point of common purpose, we all appear more in the same boat to our children. A diverse community with diversity in its educators, role models, co-workers and civic leaders, promotes an expectation of inclusivity among us at each respective age. My kids have a wonderful life experience here in Bellingham but have one gaping hole in their upbringing: a paucity of African-Americans.
3
Please don't automatically blame the parents. My (white) son didn't learn racism at home. It happened in kindergarten two years ago in a lesson about why we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday.
My son learned that there was a time in our country when black children weren't allowed to use the same water fountain or bathroom as white children. This well-meaning lesson taught my child a concept he had never before considered: people often judge others by their skin color.
His takeaway was that he was relieved to be "pink" and sorry for his friends who were brown. He has also made other racist comments without understanding what he's saying. It breaks my heart that my son now sees skin color as a reason to classify people as "different." We have yet to figure out how to undo this lesson and help our son understand that categorizing people by skin color is meaningless.
For the time-being, we keep repeating that you don't decide anything about a person until you know something more about them than what they look like (which includes much more than just skin color).
My son learned that there was a time in our country when black children weren't allowed to use the same water fountain or bathroom as white children. This well-meaning lesson taught my child a concept he had never before considered: people often judge others by their skin color.
His takeaway was that he was relieved to be "pink" and sorry for his friends who were brown. He has also made other racist comments without understanding what he's saying. It breaks my heart that my son now sees skin color as a reason to classify people as "different." We have yet to figure out how to undo this lesson and help our son understand that categorizing people by skin color is meaningless.
For the time-being, we keep repeating that you don't decide anything about a person until you know something more about them than what they look like (which includes much more than just skin color).
9
Nasty story. Five years old?? The ultimate ugly aspect is that the species needs all hands on deck to solve our messy earth from war and mayhem. I hope your children growup to be powerful because I already know that they are worthy and good.
1
As a black person, I believe this article further justifies why black people should start the conversation about racism/White Supremacy with their children at a very early age. Having a better understanding about what it means to be White in a global system of racism/White Supremacy will only prepare them for what is to come.
2
Dear Mr. Sanders, I am neither black nor white. I've experienced the good and bad of both sides. I grew up in India with the equivalent of "White privilege" and have lived in the US for 28 years being a non-white, non-native. While I have experienced some discrimination I have not had any problems I could not handle myself, or others around me, friends and strangers, could not help me handle. I must add the friends and strangers happened to be of all races - white, black, asian, hispanic, mixed. And the few folks who might have discriminated against me were also of all races. Both haters and helpers were more whites than others, probably reflecting the population I was interacting with. I take it in stride reminding myself that Indians discriminate against each other too, as do people of all nationalities and ethnicities world-over, and I just happen to be in the US, so.
The awful treatment of African Americans is still so appalling and disheartening to me. While we have made tremendous strides over the last 60 years, the level of racism still prevalent and tolerated, particularly in the criminal justice system is frankly criminal in the moral sense.
I am glad you did not confront the child and your boy seems to have handled it perfectly. The little girl is innocent in her ignorance, but not if she retains it as she grows up. By playing with your boy and others like him hopefully she will have a wiser view of people and life. It cannot be taught with words.
The awful treatment of African Americans is still so appalling and disheartening to me. While we have made tremendous strides over the last 60 years, the level of racism still prevalent and tolerated, particularly in the criminal justice system is frankly criminal in the moral sense.
I am glad you did not confront the child and your boy seems to have handled it perfectly. The little girl is innocent in her ignorance, but not if she retains it as she grows up. By playing with your boy and others like him hopefully she will have a wiser view of people and life. It cannot be taught with words.
6
I am sorry for what you heard.
Call the mom
Be nice
Be firm
If t was my child I would want to know
Call the mom
Be nice
Be firm
If t was my child I would want to know
8
My six-year old and three-year old girls are half-Chinese, half-caucasian. I would absolutely want someone (a kid, another parent, whomever) to tell me if my girls were excluding others. Race, gender, ability, or just trying to move from dyadic-play to including all ... it is incredibly important to me that all kids are included (and feel included! It is so hard for children when they feel left out). My girls would get a big, BIG lecture. They're not always sensitive about including everyone, but they're learning.
I am so sorry that this happened to your family.
I am so sorry that this happened to your family.
4
O boy...if you are the parent of a small child, or any child, or just a plain old white person, you REALLY need to read this.
This first-person account by someone who experiences life from a different perspective than I do is more valuable to me and how I perceive and react to others than all the Black Live Matter demonstrations in the world.
Thank you for this, Mr. Sanders. I will never be the same again.
This first-person account by someone who experiences life from a different perspective than I do is more valuable to me and how I perceive and react to others than all the Black Live Matter demonstrations in the world.
Thank you for this, Mr. Sanders. I will never be the same again.
7
As a white woman I am disappointed in the white parent you told about the racist comment. If I had been on that playground things would have been different. No excuses would have been made. I would have had to confront the child and the mom. Some things are just unacceptable, and that is one.
I remember trick or treating with my daughters in the 1990's, they were about 9 and 6 at the time. We were making the rounds with a couple of their little girl friends. When one of their friends came up on a kid and started bullying him. I turn and forcefully told her that it was mean and nasty and it that is how she acts she can go back home right now. I invited that kid to join us. I have always told my kids it is not enough to NOT bully, they have to stand up and STOP the bullying. Bullies always back down because they are cowards at heart. Racists are too.
I remember trick or treating with my daughters in the 1990's, they were about 9 and 6 at the time. We were making the rounds with a couple of their little girl friends. When one of their friends came up on a kid and started bullying him. I turn and forcefully told her that it was mean and nasty and it that is how she acts she can go back home right now. I invited that kid to join us. I have always told my kids it is not enough to NOT bully, they have to stand up and STOP the bullying. Bullies always back down because they are cowards at heart. Racists are too.
6
This is truly sad but to share an episode when my children were preschoolers; my son (who is brown-skinned) came home and said his white best friend had said only white boys could do something or the other in a game they were playing. I was all ready to go and talk to the kid's mother, who was a good friend of ours, when my son went on to talk about the green boy and the red boy. Turned out they were talking about shirt colors.
7
Exactly. You know...I always take ANY story by a parent of "this child did this awful thing to my child" with a grain of salt. It has been my experience as a mother for over 20 years than 95% of the time there are two sides to every story. When only one side is published in an international newspaper you kind of wish you got to hear the other side.
This could have happened exactly as reported, or it could have happened differently. But we're only hearing one side.
BTW, I live in Princeton. There is a playground on the edge of town with a monster size sand box underneath some huge shady trees. When my kids were little I would take them there in the summer and sit in the sand box with them for hours reading a book while they played. There would typically be 5-10 other kids there. Princeton is a very ethnically diverse town. On many occasions my kids would be the only white and/or English speaking kids in the sand box. I put in hundreds of hours sitting in that sand box so I think I knew it pretty well. Then a year or so ago I was reading some op-ed in the local paper in which this woman was saying how incredibly racist Princeton is and as an example she cited how often, as her kids played in this sandbox, white mothers (plural and on multiple occasions) "snatched" their children from the sandbox so they wouldn't be with hers. To say that I was incredulous was an understatement.
This could have happened exactly as reported, or it could have happened differently. But we're only hearing one side.
BTW, I live in Princeton. There is a playground on the edge of town with a monster size sand box underneath some huge shady trees. When my kids were little I would take them there in the summer and sit in the sand box with them for hours reading a book while they played. There would typically be 5-10 other kids there. Princeton is a very ethnically diverse town. On many occasions my kids would be the only white and/or English speaking kids in the sand box. I put in hundreds of hours sitting in that sand box so I think I knew it pretty well. Then a year or so ago I was reading some op-ed in the local paper in which this woman was saying how incredibly racist Princeton is and as an example she cited how often, as her kids played in this sandbox, white mothers (plural and on multiple occasions) "snatched" their children from the sandbox so they wouldn't be with hers. To say that I was incredulous was an understatement.
5
If it had been my kid that said 'only white people' I would have felt like yanking her arm out of its socket as I led her back to the car and scolded her with an emphatic, "NO, only NICE people get to play here and you're not nice!"
Of course, I wouldn't have *actually* ripped her arm off, so no DCF reporting is necessary, gentle reader.
Of course, I wouldn't have *actually* ripped her arm off, so no DCF reporting is necessary, gentle reader.
4
You must be proud of the manner in which your youngster handled the situation by not allowing his playmate to ruin his fun. In my opinion the little girl exhibits the traits of a future bully.
Thus, this incident presents an excellent opportunity to teach your group of preschoolers about the harm bullying creates for the tormentor, her victim and the silent bystanders. Perhaps a parents/teacher meeting should be held to address the matter, keeping the girl's identity anonymous or not, and discuss how best to introduce the subject to the children. Bullying takes many forms, including racism. I vote for nipping this in the bud, now.
Thus, this incident presents an excellent opportunity to teach your group of preschoolers about the harm bullying creates for the tormentor, her victim and the silent bystanders. Perhaps a parents/teacher meeting should be held to address the matter, keeping the girl's identity anonymous or not, and discuss how best to introduce the subject to the children. Bullying takes many forms, including racism. I vote for nipping this in the bud, now.
5
Beautifully written.
5
Sad. Just incredibly sad..
5
Dear Mr. Topher - I am so sorry that you and your son had to experience racism from a 5-year old girl on a playground in the lovely town of Maplewood. I've co-parented to raise an African-American male and was outraged at the NONVERBAL racism against black boys I saw through the years. I totally understand the implication of your actions but totally disagree with your decision not to quietly approach the child's mother. As a father, you should have let your son see you stand up for him parent-to-parent to what was a VERBAL assault to him. The last I heard, racial discrimination is illegal in public accommodations. That little girl may already know what she did was racist and wrong on a public playground and will continue until she hears differently. Your son did what all children do when they are having fun...keep it moving, but believe me he has internalized the verbal assault and you know it. Thank you for at least having that gentle discussion with your son which you will have to repeat many times culminating with how to act when stopped by a police officer. Best wishes to you and your family.
10
What if she had said "only girls, no boys"?
9
what if she said "only black kids"? would the article have made NY Times? Either way, I don't condone it; just giving readers food for thought.
2
Jo, why are you and so many other commentators trying to change the subject? It only underscores the importance of this Opinion piece and the wisdom of the NYTs in publishing it.
5
What if she had said "only black people"?
6
Although my kids are grown adults now, I would have wanted you to come talk to me if something like that came out of their mouths. By not speaking to that mother, you ASSUMED it wouldn't go well and that was what the girl was learning at home.
And maybe you were right but you'll never know if that kid heard other kids saying that or gave the mother an opportunity to correct even her own attitudes. But, then, I've never had to live with the constant accomodations like you have.
Thank you for writing this. I hope not just THAT mom reads it but anyone else who is raising the next generation of bigots.
And maybe you were right but you'll never know if that kid heard other kids saying that or gave the mother an opportunity to correct even her own attitudes. But, then, I've never had to live with the constant accomodations like you have.
Thank you for writing this. I hope not just THAT mom reads it but anyone else who is raising the next generation of bigots.
15
Since I wasn't there, I don't now the little girl or tone of the statement, but if you didn't engage the child or parent you are just as guilty in fanning the flames of racial tension calling her or her parents racists in a publication as widely read as NYT.
I make a point to know all my 4yr old girls classmates in pre-k. The kids are all friends and enjoy each other for the most part, but sometimes they say bad or exclusionary things. "No girls." "No boys." "Not you (new kid)."
It's a natural tendency to categorize things in their world as their minds develop. The teachers are very good at confronting these situations when they see or hear it and reporting to the parents. I also do not hesitate to confront a child and report to the teacher if I hear something they miss.
I have not heard "no black kids" or "no white kids", but with a diverse class I would not be surprised to hear it. Even though it definitely lands harder on the ear, it would not necessarily be any different from the other comments.
True, it could be learned (or taught) racist behavior, but without engaging them you are just speculating and casting that child and her parents into a pile they don't necessarily belong... and now amplifying a possible error using the NYT to voice your anger & angst.
In light of all the truly bad stuff going on, it seems like you are braced for, expecting and assuming the worst in all white folks. It's possible this was just a kid being a kid who needed an adult to correct her.
I make a point to know all my 4yr old girls classmates in pre-k. The kids are all friends and enjoy each other for the most part, but sometimes they say bad or exclusionary things. "No girls." "No boys." "Not you (new kid)."
It's a natural tendency to categorize things in their world as their minds develop. The teachers are very good at confronting these situations when they see or hear it and reporting to the parents. I also do not hesitate to confront a child and report to the teacher if I hear something they miss.
I have not heard "no black kids" or "no white kids", but with a diverse class I would not be surprised to hear it. Even though it definitely lands harder on the ear, it would not necessarily be any different from the other comments.
True, it could be learned (or taught) racist behavior, but without engaging them you are just speculating and casting that child and her parents into a pile they don't necessarily belong... and now amplifying a possible error using the NYT to voice your anger & angst.
In light of all the truly bad stuff going on, it seems like you are braced for, expecting and assuming the worst in all white folks. It's possible this was just a kid being a kid who needed an adult to correct her.
16
"Just as guilty"? Are you kidding me? Only someone with the luxury of going about everyday life without worrying if they will be unfairly stopped, frisked, arrested, or killed would say that to him. I completely understand his dilemma without ever having to have had to worry about those things.
It would have taken exactly 10 seconds for whatever parent racism apologists there were to have said exactly what the man sitting next to him said, or to exclude him and his son from future playdates for speaking up.
It would have taken exactly 10 seconds for whatever parent racism apologists there were to have said exactly what the man sitting next to him said, or to exclude him and his son from future playdates for speaking up.
4
Yes. Guilty of fanning the flames. If he were so concerned about his son being ostracized in that situation, he wouldn't have published the story in this forum. Do you not think all those parents and more in the community are not well aware of this opinion piece and the racism charges now? Rather than a one on one talk with the girl and parent(s) he just nuked the situation postmortem for what a 5 year old said. She's FIVE. She is still developing—and hopefully with corrective action on her parents part. Maybe she's being raised exceptional bad, but he didn't provide one shred of insight to that to justify calling her a "little racist girl" in a major publication. That is fanning flames.
7
This awful story is all too reminiscent of the one W.EB.Bu Bois tells at the beginning of "The Souls of Black Folk" about having his visiting card rejected "peremptorily, with a glance" by a new girl at his grade school. That happened over 100 years ago. Since I'm not an African-American man, I can't say for sure what I would have done in that situation, but I do think that a gentle but firm intervention would be called for. As would a conversation with the parent, who may well be the source, but then again may not be. If she isn't racist herself, she needs to know what her kid is up to, and if she is, she needs to be put on notice that he child's behavior is socially unacceptable. She's the one who should have to worry about future invitations, not you. Not fair that this should be your job of course; you could always try to recruit an intermediary. But somebody should speak up when that kind of thing happens.
3
"Whether it’s turning down your Kendrick Lamar when the white woman gets on the elevator or flashing those disarming smiles at white women you pass at night on the sidewalk, black men learn to present safeness.
Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am and my mood and my music and my thoughts?"
Take out the words "white" and "black" and you are simply describing polite interaction in a civilized society, regardless of the man's or woman's race.
Why do I always have to make white people feel comfortable at the expense of who I am and my mood and my music and my thoughts?"
Take out the words "white" and "black" and you are simply describing polite interaction in a civilized society, regardless of the man's or woman's race.
15
That would be a good point, if it were only true. Flashing disarming smiles at women is not good manners, generally speaking.
2
Little kids aren't laboring under all our imposed "intellect", as such life is much more straightforward and obvious to them. Unfortunately there's no place for "real" in this world anymore.
5
I completely agree with this authors viewpoint...however having been a k 1st and 2nd grade teacher I can see a student saying no black people without any racial influence from what they have seen. I have seen only yellow shirts or girls, or dark hair or blonde ..I am not saying it is okay I am just saying kids categorize randomly and it's possible that a child this age does this not knowing at all how inappropriate that is. I am a middle class white woman living in a middle class predominantly black neighborhood. ..I am sure my son as he is growing and learning is going to say inappropriate things about penis, bum holes , poop, light skin dark skin . I just hope he is never misunderstood or makes a comment that is offensive. I just get worried about all the things that can come out of their mouths !!!
13
Thank you for your wonderful contribution to our thinking about .... race in the United States. You illuminated so much more than the central playground event. I have never had to think how to be so desperately careful in social situations because I am white in this racist society.
Caution might have been a good thing in this situation because, perhaps, the child was acting out of early developmental need to make sense of the world by categorizing; as in Sesame Street, "One of these things is not like the other..." I get reminders of this phenomena when I volunteer in a K-1 classroom...
"What are those cuts on your face?"
"Oh, those are wrinkles. I have more when I smile."
"Wrinkles?"
"Yes, I have them because I'm old."
Caution might have been a good thing in this situation because, perhaps, the child was acting out of early developmental need to make sense of the world by categorizing; as in Sesame Street, "One of these things is not like the other..." I get reminders of this phenomena when I volunteer in a K-1 classroom...
"What are those cuts on your face?"
"Oh, those are wrinkles. I have more when I smile."
"Wrinkles?"
"Yes, I have them because I'm old."
3
Imagine my surprise when my 5 year old daughter, adopted from Korea, announced that she only wanted to have white girls at her birthday party! That was an interesting conversation. It turns out she had had a disagreement with another girl, who was an adoptee from Peru, and she didn't want to include her at her party. I am proud to say that as my daughter grew up, she routinely made friends with kids who were "outsiders" in her class.
I do identify with your hesitation and caution about how to intervene as a man of color - all the subtle and not subtle messaging that becomes ingrained and enforced under the very real threat of hostility and violence if you misstep...even though that hostility and violence can come your way regardless.
It is so similar to the cultural messages that girls and women deal with. Do this. Don't do that. Guilt and shame for whatever you did or didn't do if violence finds you. It muffles our being.
If you aren't free to be who you are, neither am I. Thank you for a thoughtful essay!
I do identify with your hesitation and caution about how to intervene as a man of color - all the subtle and not subtle messaging that becomes ingrained and enforced under the very real threat of hostility and violence if you misstep...even though that hostility and violence can come your way regardless.
It is so similar to the cultural messages that girls and women deal with. Do this. Don't do that. Guilt and shame for whatever you did or didn't do if violence finds you. It muffles our being.
If you aren't free to be who you are, neither am I. Thank you for a thoughtful essay!
10
In today's climate I find it hard to believe and disappointing that the writer did not speak to the child's parent. He had spoke with a parent sitting near him but not the offending kid's parent. What was he afraid of? A teaching and learning opportunity missed for all.
7
This was a perfect opportunity for basic conflict resolution without assigning blame. I think the father should have gone to the parent and express his feeling. "I am upset to hear that my son not is being allowed to play because he is black."
Then say "I doubt that it was meant in a racist way but it would help if you would give your child some better words to say." then something like "They have always played well together in the past." Or "Maybe only those with shoelaces can play."
Whatever you do, it is better to address the situation than to let it fester.
Then say "I doubt that it was meant in a racist way but it would help if you would give your child some better words to say." then something like "They have always played well together in the past." Or "Maybe only those with shoelaces can play."
Whatever you do, it is better to address the situation than to let it fester.
7
Are you sure you weren't reading in a motivation to 5 year old's behavior that didn't exist? Kids come up with all sorts of rules and games, which are motivated by their own perceptions of the world. That 'only white people,' could have easily been an 'only people with green shirts.' That was a teachable moment in which a young girl could have learned that rules about skin color are not acceptable.
I would say you made the situation worse, you read adult motivation into a situation where it didn't exist. You read racism in her home into a situation where it may not exist. You termed a 5-year old racist in the New York Times. You didn't teach a young girl, as we all must so many times over the course of their lives, that what she said wasn't right, even if she doesn't yet have the intellectual development to understand why it isn't right.
The right move in that situation is to go up to the child who is excluding yours and teach her. Teach her that exclusion based on skin color will hurt her friends feelings, that he wants to play with her, that she should share, all of the normal things that we have to teach our kids a hundred times before they ever get it.
But here you are raging on NYT about a racist 5 year-old, and here our country goes down the same path of division, suspicion and ignorance. The solution starts with us teaching the next generation.
I would say you made the situation worse, you read adult motivation into a situation where it didn't exist. You read racism in her home into a situation where it may not exist. You termed a 5-year old racist in the New York Times. You didn't teach a young girl, as we all must so many times over the course of their lives, that what she said wasn't right, even if she doesn't yet have the intellectual development to understand why it isn't right.
The right move in that situation is to go up to the child who is excluding yours and teach her. Teach her that exclusion based on skin color will hurt her friends feelings, that he wants to play with her, that she should share, all of the normal things that we have to teach our kids a hundred times before they ever get it.
But here you are raging on NYT about a racist 5 year-old, and here our country goes down the same path of division, suspicion and ignorance. The solution starts with us teaching the next generation.
21
I remember when me and my mother were in Wal-Mart shopping for a bicycle. I sat on the bike to get a feel for it and a white employee told me to get off the bike as if I was just on it to be a douche. My mother cursed out the employee and said she hated white people out loud. Back then I was embarrassed but today as a 26 year old Black man I understand her anger.
4
Yes, perfectly logical to hate all white people because one white store employee, who may or may not have been acting based on race, told you to get off a bike. Do you seriously think white people have never been humiliated, excluded or had their feelings hurt?? And NYT, would you honestly approve this comment if it was a white person expressing why they feel justified in hating black people?
9
I am white, I was with my child and he was sitting on the bike and we got told the same thing. I asked why, it's apparently an issue with insurance.
Not everything is about race.
Not everything is about race.
7
Apropos of Dave's comment, it's so weird that you can't sit on a bike to try it out before buying it. That's a big purchase.
2
This is indeed an unfortunate incident on many levels. But let's not call the 5 year old girl a racist as the author did. She's 5 years old, for goodness sake. Talk to her parents and avoid the name calling for a child who is too young to truly understand the gravity of those words.
15
What if the father misheard what the child said? He has now spent years believing the girl was racist without even questioning his assumptions.
10
I'm sorry this happened to your son. It saddens me that people would teach their children to be racist at such a young age. However, I also feel it's important to point out that white kids aren't the only ones being taught this kind of bias.
I lived in a mostly black community for 15 years and witnessed a never-ending torrent of vile racist speech....by black children, aimed at both white children and adults. I truly could not believe some of the things that were said by kids so young.
One time, I gave a neat old object to two neighborhood girls who told me, sadly, they had nothing to bring to show & tell. I shared the story of the object with them and wrote down some references they could use to find more info at the school library. I also wrote down my name & phone number and stated this was a gift, so their parents would know. The next day they brought the item back and told me, without missing a beat, that they couldn't keep it because their mother won't allow them to have anything that comes from "white devils!"
Trust me, hatred & ignorance can be taught by black parents too.
I lived in a mostly black community for 15 years and witnessed a never-ending torrent of vile racist speech....by black children, aimed at both white children and adults. I truly could not believe some of the things that were said by kids so young.
One time, I gave a neat old object to two neighborhood girls who told me, sadly, they had nothing to bring to show & tell. I shared the story of the object with them and wrote down some references they could use to find more info at the school library. I also wrote down my name & phone number and stated this was a gift, so their parents would know. The next day they brought the item back and told me, without missing a beat, that they couldn't keep it because their mother won't allow them to have anything that comes from "white devils!"
Trust me, hatred & ignorance can be taught by black parents too.
15
Excellent piece and thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine hearing that comment as a person of color. Anytime a child was mean or un-inclusive to my children when they were little made me sick to my stomach, and left figuring out how to manage the situation and let the children know that behavior is wrong and include the parent, hopefully a helpful parent, navigate the issue without them getting defensive. But when skin color comes into the mix, it seems to hit so much more deeply considering centuries of mistreatment from slavery to Jim Crow, you have my admiration for not losing it, I might have.
When my daughter was in 3rd grade, she had at a friends house. When she came home, she said they watched a movie, not the one she wanted to watch. When I asked her why they didn't watch the one she wanted, she said "Because her dad won't let her watch movies with black people, because he says they are violent" I almost fell over. My daughter was clearly upset over this, knowing it was wrong, and having friends who are black, and we sat down and discussed it, about how her instincts were right and this man was wrong, and that in future, she should try to stand up and say that's not true. A challenge for an 8 yr old to an adult, but she knew clearly I had her back on that. How will children learn if we don't take the time to teach them and then lead by example?
Thank you for sharing your story, sounds like your children are fortunate indeed to have the parents they have!
When my daughter was in 3rd grade, she had at a friends house. When she came home, she said they watched a movie, not the one she wanted to watch. When I asked her why they didn't watch the one she wanted, she said "Because her dad won't let her watch movies with black people, because he says they are violent" I almost fell over. My daughter was clearly upset over this, knowing it was wrong, and having friends who are black, and we sat down and discussed it, about how her instincts were right and this man was wrong, and that in future, she should try to stand up and say that's not true. A challenge for an 8 yr old to an adult, but she knew clearly I had her back on that. How will children learn if we don't take the time to teach them and then lead by example?
Thank you for sharing your story, sounds like your children are fortunate indeed to have the parents they have!
3
Reading the some of comments here, I can't help but think the reaction would have been if the situation had been reversed and the black child told the white child- "Blacks Only." My guess is Times readers would have been more than comfortable putting the racist label on the black child.
13
Sterling, OMG! I just wrote the same thing! I guess great minds think alike and of course I don't condone the behavior either way.
I am saddened that in 2016 your child encountered this. In the early 80's when I was in kindergarten I attended a very prestigious all girl school in South Carolina. I was one of three African-American girls in the lower school and was subjected to racism at a young age by girls my age.
One day while on the playground all the girls decided we would play together. The other two African-American girls received their roles(they were extremely fair, one was bi-racial) and I was told I had to play the part of the maid( I have dark complexion like my Dad, my mom has a light complexion). At five years of age I told them I would not be their maid, play their made or anything else. I went over and sat on the swing and played alone. I remember the teacher not saying anything or even coming over to me that day. I remember as we grew not receiving invitations to certain birthday parties. I did learn early on who were my genuine friends irrespective of race, those were the ones I rode horses with, had sleep overs with and hung out with. By the time we got to third grade, one of my friends called the "racist snob" out on my behalf. She didn't have to though, because I settled in my heart on that swing in kindergarten that it didn't matter what they thought I should be, it only mattered what I would become.
I wish you had a conversation with the mom because without intervention on the parents part, that child will have the same views at 40. Maybe you should call her it isn't to late.
One day while on the playground all the girls decided we would play together. The other two African-American girls received their roles(they were extremely fair, one was bi-racial) and I was told I had to play the part of the maid( I have dark complexion like my Dad, my mom has a light complexion). At five years of age I told them I would not be their maid, play their made or anything else. I went over and sat on the swing and played alone. I remember the teacher not saying anything or even coming over to me that day. I remember as we grew not receiving invitations to certain birthday parties. I did learn early on who were my genuine friends irrespective of race, those were the ones I rode horses with, had sleep overs with and hung out with. By the time we got to third grade, one of my friends called the "racist snob" out on my behalf. She didn't have to though, because I settled in my heart on that swing in kindergarten that it didn't matter what they thought I should be, it only mattered what I would become.
I wish you had a conversation with the mom because without intervention on the parents part, that child will have the same views at 40. Maybe you should call her it isn't to late.
6
Mr. Sanders, this is so terrible and I for one fear for the future of this society (especially is Donald Trump is our next president.). I am Caucasian, and never hestiated to confront the children, the parents of children, school teachers or anyone else that caused my children any pain or discomfort as they were growing up. You have given me a new perspective on my visceral reactions. I didn't stop to consider what impression I was making , lasting or otherwise, when I asserted myself on behalf of my children. It would have been wiser to.... Thank you -
2
As a white man, raising two white, preschool-aged boys, I am consistently surprised and disappointed by the additional parenting challenges faced by minorities. I am sorry that happened to your son and I admire the thought you’ve put into handling future incidents.
In addition to addressing the children, I would ask that you consider informing the parents of the child that made the racist comment and possibly those of the bystanders. Focusing your reaction on the children assumes that the behavior was learned at home and it reflects their parents’ beliefs. Maybe that’s true, but couldn’t the source have been another child, a caregiver, or a misinterpreted comment?
My hope is that most parents would serve as allies and support your efforts to address and correct discriminatory behaviors. I would want to know if my kids initiated/witnessed a similar situation so I could use it as a teaching moment.
I also hope that any parent who witnessed intolerance, not just the parents of the victim, would feel the responsibility to intervene.
In addition to addressing the children, I would ask that you consider informing the parents of the child that made the racist comment and possibly those of the bystanders. Focusing your reaction on the children assumes that the behavior was learned at home and it reflects their parents’ beliefs. Maybe that’s true, but couldn’t the source have been another child, a caregiver, or a misinterpreted comment?
My hope is that most parents would serve as allies and support your efforts to address and correct discriminatory behaviors. I would want to know if my kids initiated/witnessed a similar situation so I could use it as a teaching moment.
I also hope that any parent who witnessed intolerance, not just the parents of the victim, would feel the responsibility to intervene.
3
I appreciate much of this essay but I was very surprised by the immediate and unwavering assumption that the little girl was being taught racism at home. In my experience, racism doesn't usually manifest in comments like white people are better than black people and only whites should be allowed to do x,y,z, the kind of thing the author imagines the little girl was repeating. Usually it takes the form of either more blatant epithets or, more often, the subtle and the unsaid. I'm more worried about the children who don't know that it's okay to say out loud that my child is "black", have never heard the word used comfortably and with respect. A lot of times children who talk about race are the ones whose parents are having the necessary and healthy conversations, the kids who know there is such a thing as "whites only" being the ones who are actually being taught the terrible history of our country at home. Doesn't mean it's ok to act that history out in play, but these are five year olds. Or, maybe that little girl just came from a terrible racist household. Now, we'll never know. But I wish the author had taken the time to find out.
4
I am so sorry, and so glad that your son lightly laughed it off. God willing, he will always be able to, and soon, he won't have to.
Who knows where kids get this stuff? It might not have been at home. As a mother, I definitely would want to know if my child said something like this. Such a statement is troubling on many levels: a failure of fairness, of understanding, and of lovingkindness.
I am so glad that not only we, but our childrens' school, addressed this early.
One day when my kids and I left a store, I remarked that the checkout lady was really grumpy. My kid didn't say, "The black lady?" They said, "The lady in the red dress?" Such a small thing, but a huge generational difference.
Who knows where kids get this stuff? It might not have been at home. As a mother, I definitely would want to know if my child said something like this. Such a statement is troubling on many levels: a failure of fairness, of understanding, and of lovingkindness.
I am so glad that not only we, but our childrens' school, addressed this early.
One day when my kids and I left a store, I remarked that the checkout lady was really grumpy. My kid didn't say, "The black lady?" They said, "The lady in the red dress?" Such a small thing, but a huge generational difference.
4
I simply ignore it and walk away. But I am talking about racist remarks directed at white people from black people or is that not part of the conversation.
8
Yeah, that's what I did (nothing) when I was told by a black girl that "My mother said white people have dog hair," while sitting at the lunch table at school. Nope, she didn't say it in response to anything I, or any of the other girls sitting at the table said.
I was the only white person sitting at the table so it was definitely directed at me.
I was the only white person sitting at the table so it was definitely directed at me.
5
My half Asian/half Caucasian 6 year old son was singled out from the African American kids at the playground and excluded from their play group/the entire section of the playground equipment that they were monopolizing. So, what is described in the article is typical kid behavior - not a behavior that only white children display, and not necessarily an indication that only whites can be racist.
11
Thank you for this story. It is so heartbreaking. But we white people need to hear such stories over and over and over so that we understand how urgent our interruption of such occurrences is. We need to publicly correct such behavior even though the parents of such children may get angry at someone else correcting their child. Too bad. Such parents also need a lesson in public shaming.
5
The author mysteriously assumes that this 5yo little girl has been irredeemably infected and groomed to be racist by her parents. Children notice differences and try to understand their meaning. They also say and do mean things their parents don't know about or approve of. Her parents may be just as interested both in helping their girl learn to play nice and make friends with people from diverse backgrounds to help eliminate implicit or explicit bias as the author is interested in protecting his child against racism and its consequences.
My 4yo daughter came to me on the playground last week asking why that boy over there had different color skin. I explained to her that people can have different color skin just like they have different color hair or eyes, but that we can all be friends and that Daddy has friends with different colors hair, skin, and eyes.
Correcting other people's kids' bad behavior is fraught with complication, even when appropriate and desirable. The author intends to "stand up to [the offending children] and call out their ignorance," suggesting he may approach them as villains in the battle against racism. These are developing innocents, not villains. This 5yo girl did not kill Freddie Grey or write the script where the black characters die off first. And if a black man corrects her with the kindness he shows his own son, or helps her father to, it may help her not to become those people.
My 4yo daughter came to me on the playground last week asking why that boy over there had different color skin. I explained to her that people can have different color skin just like they have different color hair or eyes, but that we can all be friends and that Daddy has friends with different colors hair, skin, and eyes.
Correcting other people's kids' bad behavior is fraught with complication, even when appropriate and desirable. The author intends to "stand up to [the offending children] and call out their ignorance," suggesting he may approach them as villains in the battle against racism. These are developing innocents, not villains. This 5yo girl did not kill Freddie Grey or write the script where the black characters die off first. And if a black man corrects her with the kindness he shows his own son, or helps her father to, it may help her not to become those people.
12
Poor girl. Her mind is being fed poison. She should be taught that all of mankind has its roots in Africa, before it is too late for her. But it is unlikely that she will receive this lesson at home. To teach children to be racists should be considered child abuse.
1
This summer we waited for a friend of my son and her family to visit New York and to hopefully see a play together. For days I could not get a confirmed date for my son to meet with his friend. Finally I read through his texts to find out that she avoided setting up a date because her Grandfather wouldn't understand why she had a Black friend. Then she proceeded to casually move forward as if her comment and explanation were one he should just accept. I had to explain to him that he does not owe her anything and that unfortunately he would come across such behavior repeatedly in his life. We have begun to work on how to respond to such comments and why it is ok to walk away from a relationship where there is no acknowledgment of his differences and his specialness and his humanity. As a parent Mr. Sanders never be afraid to be a strong and vocal advocate. Even if by being vocal you are at eye level and speaking softly to another child.
3
I don't think one can assume the little racist girl's parents are to blame. Psychologists have shown that no matter what parents tell their kids, they can not often overcome the bias that permeates in society. This child may have learned it from listening to Donald Trump for all we know.
5
I grew up in a place where we played outside all summer (and before the desire for or existence of sunscreen). By the time school started, I had a fairly dark tan. I'm nearly 60 years old and can still remember the sense of helplessness, humiliation and shame when a boy on the playground look at me with a look of complete disgust and said that I couldn't play with the rest of the kids because I was black. I fought back the tears, but ultimately failed. I still remember the sting of the tears rolling down my cheeks as if they were battery acid. That was a two-minute moment out of my life. It is difficult -- or perhaps not at all -- for me to imagine the impact of a relentless lifetime of such moments.
5
"He unfortunately did what a lot of white people do in these circumstances, he tried to explain it."
I will go ahead circulate a memorandum notifying all white people that they are are now expected to fortunately not try to explain things, and agree with you. Because having a fact-based discussion, you know, that sounds too hard.
I will go ahead circulate a memorandum notifying all white people that they are are now expected to fortunately not try to explain things, and agree with you. Because having a fact-based discussion, you know, that sounds too hard.
7
Two points:
One: another reason to calm the fears of women that men happen upon at night is because those women rightly live in fear of physical assault from men, so it is the right thing to telegraph your non-threatening nature in those situations, no matter one's race.
Two: Whether or not to intervene directly with the children is a tough one. My choice would have been to talk to the parent. It doesn't have to be a big speech about the wrongs of racism, just a mention about what her daughter did, in the spirit of, "just to let you know." Too bad the white dad in the story didn't offer to intervene with the mom, since he knew her. Most parents don't want their child doing bad things but even if they bite another child or use hateful language most parents would prefer to be the ones to police their own child. Obviously the group dynamic might allow for modification of this, if one knew that all the parents were ok with any random parent intervening in the play of the group of children. Of course, if you find yourself referring to a five year old child as that little racist girl, that should also give you pause that you are the right person to intervene. I don't think we call little boys and girls sexist when they arbitrarily split themselves by gender. They are not bad children, even if they are making bad choices for their words and actions. Surely there is hope for five year olds to act better.
One: another reason to calm the fears of women that men happen upon at night is because those women rightly live in fear of physical assault from men, so it is the right thing to telegraph your non-threatening nature in those situations, no matter one's race.
Two: Whether or not to intervene directly with the children is a tough one. My choice would have been to talk to the parent. It doesn't have to be a big speech about the wrongs of racism, just a mention about what her daughter did, in the spirit of, "just to let you know." Too bad the white dad in the story didn't offer to intervene with the mom, since he knew her. Most parents don't want their child doing bad things but even if they bite another child or use hateful language most parents would prefer to be the ones to police their own child. Obviously the group dynamic might allow for modification of this, if one knew that all the parents were ok with any random parent intervening in the play of the group of children. Of course, if you find yourself referring to a five year old child as that little racist girl, that should also give you pause that you are the right person to intervene. I don't think we call little boys and girls sexist when they arbitrarily split themselves by gender. They are not bad children, even if they are making bad choices for their words and actions. Surely there is hope for five year olds to act better.
8
What horrible, utterly unacceptable behavior.
I absolutely support the author's decision to speak up in the future. I promise you that there are parents of white children who would be horrified for their child to hear something like that and would appreciate intervention pushing back. I am sorry the dad you spoke to said something lame; he may have been too surprised to think straight.
I absolutely support the author's decision to speak up in the future. I promise you that there are parents of white children who would be horrified for their child to hear something like that and would appreciate intervention pushing back. I am sorry the dad you spoke to said something lame; he may have been too surprised to think straight.
3
people need to start distinguishing between bigotry and racism. i'm white and have been the victim of bigotry plenty. The essentially never directly stated argument of the PC left is that bigotry from members of non-"dominant" groups is not a problem worth society addressing until such time as the economic/power effects of white bigotry go away. I think this is wrong. You can disagree with me but either way this is the reason much of the "conversation" on race is dishonest in both directions. And if you actually believe the PC canard that non-whites are less likely than white people to be bigots you have to live in a bubble (and that's just talking about America)
9
In 1966 I announced to my kindergarten class that I didn't like "colored kids ". The class was three quarters black. The teacher phoned my mother to tell her what I had said and ask her to deal with it at home. My mother was floored and horrified. My parents had moved to that town knowing but not caring that white folks were in the minority there. And when the Troubles of '67 tore our town apart, my parents dug in their heels. They wanted no part of white flight and white fear. They stayed in that town and raised their family there for forty years. Theirs were not the actions of white peoe who have a serious problem with race.
I never in my life heard my parents speak that way about black folks. And, yet, there I was, barely alive and already spouting some serious trash. Where did it come from? I did not hear it at home. It brings me to despair, this notion that little girls like me are tainted before we even get off the ground.
I never in my life heard my parents speak that way about black folks. And, yet, there I was, barely alive and already spouting some serious trash. Where did it come from? I did not hear it at home. It brings me to despair, this notion that little girls like me are tainted before we even get off the ground.
13
I think Mr. Saunders is doing a wonderful job at teaching his son not only how to react to racist acts but how these events/words have to be digested, processed, and acted upon in a healthy manner. By talking about it and setting an excellent example, he is also providing a support to his son to let him know that he's not the problem in the equation. That his son shouldn't have to quietly accept the humiliation, alienation, and anger that racism breeds.
5
This is a remarkable story. I completely disagree with most of the comments here which seem to assume that kids would pick up on the concept of race without their parents and society putting those constructs in their heads. Our kids go to an extreme diverse school - and by diverse I don't just mean black and white, but people of about 40-50 different national origins. They were ignorant of the concept of race until late elementary school when teachers and books kept bringing it up. We had no reason to bring up race until then, as we are a mixed race, multi-national-origin Hispanic+Asian family. I agree with the author's approach.
5
Fortunately for me and my brothers our parents did not raise us to be racist. One of my brothers had a childhood African American friend name Jamie. One day my brother (he was about five years old at the time) came home and asked my parents why Jamie had different colored skin. My mother responded "Because God made people different." The question never came up again. Too bad a lot of parents don't teach their children the way my parents taught us.
5
Not to late to give that mom a call. Kids pick things up all over the place. She may have overheard some Trumpsters carrying on. As shocking as the event must have been, I'm inclined to want to hear the mothers response in this case before moving on to the next emotion.
4
Our country is so great yet so horrible at the same time. Hopefully we will get to a place where prejudice base on skin color will disappear. But until then, what?
2
As Mr. Sanders observed, the dad standing next to him did what most do: he excused the behavior as a non-issue and met racism with inaction. That neighbor dad dropped the ethical ball: it's not a matter of whether to respond, but how best to respond. The greatest challenge Americans face is learning our way together toward more pluralistic and democratic thinking and acting. Mr. Sanders offers one glimpse into why Black Lives Matter is arguably the most important social movement of our time. It's anger transitioning toward justice, but it's also an opportunity for ALL of us to grow up to what it actually and potentially means to be an American.
120
As a white mother with a white toddler, I would absolutely welcome and appreciate another parent stepping in and addressing my daughter should she say or do something racist, mean, or exclusionary. Something as simply stated as "it's never okay to exclude anyone, especially based on the color of his or her skin." It must also be recognized that young children sometimes say and behave inappropriately not because they are hearing racist messages at home, but from ignorance; it is possible that this was not a pattern of behavior. If I were the mother of the girl in this story I would be mortified not to be given the benefit of the doubt, and for the assumption to be made that I was imposing racist ideas.
I sympathize with Mr. Sanders feeling like he couldn't intervene and wish the bystanding parent would have encouraged him to do so. This article is an reminder of another white privilege that had never occurred to me.
I sympathize with Mr. Sanders feeling like he couldn't intervene and wish the bystanding parent would have encouraged him to do so. This article is an reminder of another white privilege that had never occurred to me.
122
Elizabeth -
Most parents, unlike you, do not want and do not like when an adult, especially a stranger, speaks to/with their child. I have paid a complement to a child and been criticized by the parent for speaking directly to the child. Perhaps the little white girl saw something on television and was repeating it - anything is possible. Years ago, there was a TV program, "Maude," and her alcoholic husband (Walter?) threw a liquor bottle out of the window. A few days later, my toddler attempted to imitate the husband by throwing his bottle, filled with milk, out my living room window! So I think it definitely better to speak with the parent first rather than the child. And -- fortunately I confiscated the milk bottle inside rather than outside my home!
Most parents, unlike you, do not want and do not like when an adult, especially a stranger, speaks to/with their child. I have paid a complement to a child and been criticized by the parent for speaking directly to the child. Perhaps the little white girl saw something on television and was repeating it - anything is possible. Years ago, there was a TV program, "Maude," and her alcoholic husband (Walter?) threw a liquor bottle out of the window. A few days later, my toddler attempted to imitate the husband by throwing his bottle, filled with milk, out my living room window! So I think it definitely better to speak with the parent first rather than the child. And -- fortunately I confiscated the milk bottle inside rather than outside my home!
5
Great piece. As an Asian-American, I have had racist taunts directed at me by white and black children since I was a child myself, and although less frequent since I became an adult, it has never really stopped. I find the best strategy here is shame. I tell the child that what they said was racist, and demand an apology. If their parent is around, I ask the child to repeat what they said to their parent. Usually there's an embarrassed apology by the parent, even if (presumably) the racism the child learned originated with the parent him or herself. Racism must be confronted as a set of shameful behaviors and attitudes with real consequences.
3
I'm taken aback by the various denials that this little girl had picked up racism at home. Some suggest it's no different than if she had said no boys allowed. There's merit there, but race carries a different social signifier than gender.
Others see this as childish language with neither motive or meaning. Others suggest that the writer might be jumping to conclusions without any facts. But these responses neglect what we already know about implicit racial bias, how it permeates our culture and how we act on those biases, even at a very early age. This wealth of data does't paint that little girl as a racist, but it certainly implies either implicit racial coding coming from home or her social environment, or explicit racial coding coming from some combination of both.
Regardless of the source, a parent's first impulse should always be to protect their child. Making sure that his son didn't internalize this racial coding and stop playing on the apparatus is what all black parents unfortunately have to do. But beyond that I think it would have been appropriate to say to the little girl 'the playground is for everyone'. If her parent asked why you were speaking to her it could have easily been explained without confrontation. But the key is your son would know that no one can say he can't do something because he is black.
Implicit bias studies tell us that this scenario gets played out unconsciously in many adult situations and their accumulation produces enormous harm.
Others see this as childish language with neither motive or meaning. Others suggest that the writer might be jumping to conclusions without any facts. But these responses neglect what we already know about implicit racial bias, how it permeates our culture and how we act on those biases, even at a very early age. This wealth of data does't paint that little girl as a racist, but it certainly implies either implicit racial coding coming from home or her social environment, or explicit racial coding coming from some combination of both.
Regardless of the source, a parent's first impulse should always be to protect their child. Making sure that his son didn't internalize this racial coding and stop playing on the apparatus is what all black parents unfortunately have to do. But beyond that I think it would have been appropriate to say to the little girl 'the playground is for everyone'. If her parent asked why you were speaking to her it could have easily been explained without confrontation. But the key is your son would know that no one can say he can't do something because he is black.
Implicit bias studies tell us that this scenario gets played out unconsciously in many adult situations and their accumulation produces enormous harm.
6
There comes a point when all children suddenly notice differences like color, sex, or other physical differences, and begin to experiment in differences in treatment. How they begin their experimentation probably depends a great deal on how these differences are discussed at home. What they learn from their experimentation depends on the responses of playmates and adults.
A personal experience: My daughter, who is Asian-American, attended a very diverse elementary school. My daughter had friends who were white, black and Hispanic, but she was the only Asian-American. One day, the children evidently began to divide themselves into three groups: white, black and Hispanic (I don't know exactly how or for what purpose, but this was reported to me). The children weren't sure which group to put my daughter in, so they told her she would have to choose her group and give up her friends in the other groups. This caused my daughter a lot of distress. But the teacher noticed the problem and was able to use it as an important learning opportunity. She intervened and and lectured the children about how hurtful this conduct could be. As far as I can tell, the message really did sink in. I might add, however, that most of the children came from families that selected the school because they wanted diversity.
A personal experience: My daughter, who is Asian-American, attended a very diverse elementary school. My daughter had friends who were white, black and Hispanic, but she was the only Asian-American. One day, the children evidently began to divide themselves into three groups: white, black and Hispanic (I don't know exactly how or for what purpose, but this was reported to me). The children weren't sure which group to put my daughter in, so they told her she would have to choose her group and give up her friends in the other groups. This caused my daughter a lot of distress. But the teacher noticed the problem and was able to use it as an important learning opportunity. She intervened and and lectured the children about how hurtful this conduct could be. As far as I can tell, the message really did sink in. I might add, however, that most of the children came from families that selected the school because they wanted diversity.
6
I read the article, and felt bad (I'm white). Seeing racial bias at such a young age is disheartening and I wonder how it happens. I know, it's the parents - it all starts at home. The author's story about the incident with the wife of his mother's supervisor was also very disappointing. The only way to offset these bigoted remarks is to speak out. I understand why the author was reluctant to say anything (especially to the child)....but I'm talking about the other (white) adults in a conversation. Someone needs to speak up - someone needs to have the courage to push back and say the language is offensive and not to use it. Until we begin to say something, can we affect change. I am proud to be an American, but ashamed of the way many Americans behave.
2
I don't know, I sympathize with the author, but I'm not sure referring to the utterings of a 5-year-old as racist trash. There are really two likely possibilities. Either this attitude really was modeled at home, in which case it's unlikely the parents are going to do much about it.
Or, it was some random thing she picked up and said, in which case I would ask the parents to have a talk with her about not treating people differently on the basis of skin color. Again, if the parents truly are prejudiced, then, sadly, I doubt much will happen, but if they're decent people they'll have a talk with their kid and the behavior will probably go away.
Or, it was some random thing she picked up and said, in which case I would ask the parents to have a talk with her about not treating people differently on the basis of skin color. Again, if the parents truly are prejudiced, then, sadly, I doubt much will happen, but if they're decent people they'll have a talk with their kid and the behavior will probably go away.
14
It's also possible that she had previously said something like anyone wearing red can't play this time and was equally ignored.
5
It is racist trash at any age. A five year old can be taught playground rules, and what is not ok to say. This isn't about gender or shirt colors.
1
I am a 61 woman, the child of a Holocaust survivor. We never discussed anti-semitism in our home when I was young. One of my most searing memories is, having proudly made the middle-school cheerleading team, a teammate responded, "we really don't want Jews on the team." Talking about hatred that stems from labeling another human being as an "other" is the only solution and it is never too early to start.
15
Once, I was mistaken for Jewish and threatened. From that point on I understood what it was like for you. And it affected my behavior and outlook from then on.
5
Mr Sanders,
I'm so sorry you and your son were subjected to that instance of America's original sin. I agree with you, we have to talk plainly, clearly, and kindly to kids about it. Adults too.
One hope from the contacts I have made working for Democrats here in Battle Creek. There seems a genuine and widespread sense among the people I have dealt with, that this is an important election, with a capital'I'.
The GOP has become is the last pustule of the rot that was the "Old South," the racist system at the foundation beneath so much of our early history. Sick, ugly, diseased, frightened, it still poisons and cripples us. But it is not incurable.
Your action, thinking about it, talking about it, with your son and with those around you, that is our cure. That is our sunlight, fresh air, soap and water, that is our antibiotic. Talking stuff through is powerful action. My sister used to say 'don't sweat the small stuff.' One lesson America teaches, nay embodies, is that the limits others think apply to us are, as God is our witness, very small stuff.
Good day to you and your family.
I'm so sorry you and your son were subjected to that instance of America's original sin. I agree with you, we have to talk plainly, clearly, and kindly to kids about it. Adults too.
One hope from the contacts I have made working for Democrats here in Battle Creek. There seems a genuine and widespread sense among the people I have dealt with, that this is an important election, with a capital'I'.
The GOP has become is the last pustule of the rot that was the "Old South," the racist system at the foundation beneath so much of our early history. Sick, ugly, diseased, frightened, it still poisons and cripples us. But it is not incurable.
Your action, thinking about it, talking about it, with your son and with those around you, that is our cure. That is our sunlight, fresh air, soap and water, that is our antibiotic. Talking stuff through is powerful action. My sister used to say 'don't sweat the small stuff.' One lesson America teaches, nay embodies, is that the limits others think apply to us are, as God is our witness, very small stuff.
Good day to you and your family.
3
It's inclusive to hate Catholics and Evangelicals. It's inclusive to refer to needy Hispanics. It's inclusive to characterize people who are not voting for you as deplorables or losers or people who cling to their religion and guns. It is inclusive to demean "everyday Americans." It's inclusive to be responsive to the wishes of public unions for higher pay and disregard the need of inner city children for a chance to get an education, after sending your own child to private school.
The Old South was universally Democrat. And the Dixicrats did not become Republicans, they just cleaned up their public statements. Including Bill Clinton who is more racist than any redneck I've ever met and is now denying his interracial son and grandchildren.
Southern Democrats haven't changed. Southern Republicans are Yankees who migrated to the South and recruited the non racist Southern Democrats.
The Old South was universally Democrat. And the Dixicrats did not become Republicans, they just cleaned up their public statements. Including Bill Clinton who is more racist than any redneck I've ever met and is now denying his interracial son and grandchildren.
Southern Democrats haven't changed. Southern Republicans are Yankees who migrated to the South and recruited the non racist Southern Democrats.
2
I wish we as black parents weren't burdened with so many tasks. Now it's not enough to find a careful way to explain but it's also our burden to not jump to conclusions? It's really exhausting reading the comments. How wonderful it must be to be white in America and have a say in everything. Even what should and shouldn't be assumed.
My son was 3 when he had the same type of encounter. He was in an inclusion preschool with disabled and typical kids. There were observation windows so you could view your children in the classroom without them being aware. My son was engaged in a serious back and forth of "well you are" with a white girl in his class. He was called boo boo face so he said "well you are an ugly boo boo face!" Then her response was "well you are black and nothing is uglier than that".
This happens, every day, all the time, it's really past time to stop denying it, excusing it, or minimizing it.
My son was 3 when he had the same type of encounter. He was in an inclusion preschool with disabled and typical kids. There were observation windows so you could view your children in the classroom without them being aware. My son was engaged in a serious back and forth of "well you are" with a white girl in his class. He was called boo boo face so he said "well you are an ugly boo boo face!" Then her response was "well you are black and nothing is uglier than that".
This happens, every day, all the time, it's really past time to stop denying it, excusing it, or minimizing it.
24
I was 5 and a little red-haired, freckled faced boy that I always thought of a "bad boy", was sitting beside me at recess. Wayne was his name. He took my hand and starting playing with it, flipping it back and front and labeling the brown side the "bad" side and the white side the "good".
I started to whimper. I knew something was really wrong about that, but not quite what. Then the insides of me (after all I used to beat up my older brother) decided, stupid, why are you crying and I snuffled back my tears.
But I learned something that day. Later I recall asking my mother why white people didn't like black people and I only remember she sighed. I know that sigh. It's the time all black parents have to answer that question and start teaching their kids what the world is like for them.
BTW I lived in a predominately white area where everyone owned their own home. There were several black neighbors and I played with white, Asian, and black kids alike. I grew up in a home to be interested in all peoples. The point being, it's not necessarily coming right out of the home. It's on TV, its in attitudes, it's in casual conversations that kids overhear.
The day my son was called the "N" word we were traveling cross country on a bus and he was playing with every kid that got on the bus when a kid said it as causal as you'd say, pass the peanuts. I had been holding my breath. I didn't even know I had been holding my breath, waiting for it, until it came.
I started to whimper. I knew something was really wrong about that, but not quite what. Then the insides of me (after all I used to beat up my older brother) decided, stupid, why are you crying and I snuffled back my tears.
But I learned something that day. Later I recall asking my mother why white people didn't like black people and I only remember she sighed. I know that sigh. It's the time all black parents have to answer that question and start teaching their kids what the world is like for them.
BTW I lived in a predominately white area where everyone owned their own home. There were several black neighbors and I played with white, Asian, and black kids alike. I grew up in a home to be interested in all peoples. The point being, it's not necessarily coming right out of the home. It's on TV, its in attitudes, it's in casual conversations that kids overhear.
The day my son was called the "N" word we were traveling cross country on a bus and he was playing with every kid that got on the bus when a kid said it as causal as you'd say, pass the peanuts. I had been holding my breath. I didn't even know I had been holding my breath, waiting for it, until it came.
16
Meh, I am so sorry you and your son experienced these painful acts of racism. The child on the bus who casually said the n-word was surely not traveling by himself. This is the part where his parent or any adult within hearing range should have stepped in and supported your son, and you. Kids even at a very young age understand "That's NOT OK" and how words can hurt. My job as a parent is to teach my child how to deal with the racism she has already experienced and with what is sadly, still ahead. I commend the NYT for publishing this article. I learn a lot from the comments.
jeannette Mcilvaine
Signal Hill CA
jeannette Mcilvaine
Signal Hill CA
1
re: "Whether it’s turning down your Kendrick Lamar when the white woman gets on the elevator"
I hope you turn down your Kendrick Lamar when anybody gets on the elevator. Do you think every black person on earth has the same musical taste as you? Do you think that all white people have the same musical taste? I never play music (or the car radio) in the presence of others because it is rather inconsiderate to assume that other people won't be bothered by the sounds that you are unnecessarily forcing them to listen to. But I seem to be in the minority unfortunately.
I hope you turn down your Kendrick Lamar when anybody gets on the elevator. Do you think every black person on earth has the same musical taste as you? Do you think that all white people have the same musical taste? I never play music (or the car radio) in the presence of others because it is rather inconsiderate to assume that other people won't be bothered by the sounds that you are unnecessarily forcing them to listen to. But I seem to be in the minority unfortunately.
58
I'm black and have no idea who Kendrick Lamar is. I'll have to use Google.
(Obligatory statement that blacks are not a monolithic group.)
(Obligatory statement that blacks are not a monolithic group.)
4
Yes, calling these things out as they happen is the only way to stop it because people, especially children, often do not realize what they are actually doing/saying. One answer might have been to go to the merry-go-round and say, "We are all human beings. Do you know what a human being is?" Say it loud enough that others can hear and see what answers you get. It seems that when people are forced to really think the world of good possibilities opens.
My grandson is brown, with two German-blond half-siblings, and my Caucasian daughter sees the glaring difference in the way the children are treated - mostly by adults. She educates her son but also speaks out with confidence when she overhears racial slurs. It's the only way to effect change.
My grandson is brown, with two German-blond half-siblings, and my Caucasian daughter sees the glaring difference in the way the children are treated - mostly by adults. She educates her son but also speaks out with confidence when she overhears racial slurs. It's the only way to effect change.
5
As questionable as calling out some of Trump's supporters as, "deplorables," was/is, it is nonetheless very true. Many Trump supporters are white racists, some overtly and some covertly. Also, many are not. Deplorables are obviously not only relegated to the white population, all groups have their portion. The problem however is that white racism has inflicted the most harm upon society, it has been the most divisive and destructive and it lives on, this is not an isolated example or an exceptional scenario.
3
The essence of prejudice is characterizing large groups of people based on a single perceived aspect.
Someone who says black people are inferior is prejudiced.
Someone who says that people who are voting for Trump are misogynists, racists, homophobes and otherwise deplorable are
Someone who says black people are inferior is prejudiced.
Someone who says that people who are voting for Trump are misogynists, racists, homophobes and otherwise deplorable are
2
So pleased to hear your process Mr. Sanders. I appreciate how you wrestled options which provoke my own ability to do the "how" differently. I'm not limited (thank you fellow readers) to my go-to approach. Many ways, many instances, more moments of small courage shapes us. Encouraged.
4
Thank you. I learned and re-learned a lot from reading your op-ed. As a white person (and a classroom teacher), I need to keep learning and relearning about racism and how far we have to go. I want to say "I'm so sorry and angry that you have to spend precious parenting energy and precious life energy dealing with this abomination. It is categorically unfair and wrong," but I know those words are not enough. Thank you again.
13
Good, sad, real piece.
It seems to me that this is an area where white allies can and should have a positive role to play. The other parent you spoke to completely punted, but maybe if he reads this he will see that and strive to do better next time. I'd love to know what you think he could have done (at the risk of sounding like one of those people who expect black people to solve white racism)...but given your undoubtedly correct understanding of the reasons why it would be hard for you to do something on your own... Stood with you and gone to talk to the Mom and/or the girl? Asked his own child what he or she had heard and understood?
It seems to me that this is an area where white allies can and should have a positive role to play. The other parent you spoke to completely punted, but maybe if he reads this he will see that and strive to do better next time. I'd love to know what you think he could have done (at the risk of sounding like one of those people who expect black people to solve white racism)...but given your undoubtedly correct understanding of the reasons why it would be hard for you to do something on your own... Stood with you and gone to talk to the Mom and/or the girl? Asked his own child what he or she had heard and understood?
49
The parent he spoke to apparently knew the little girl and reported what he knew of her personality. He didn't rush to judgment based on one hurtful remark.
Children sometimes say things that are hurtful. They don't always understand the implications of what they are saying. It's our job to gently correct their mistakes and to refrain from shaming them for innocent mistakes.
Children sometimes say things that are hurtful. They don't always understand the implications of what they are saying. It's our job to gently correct their mistakes and to refrain from shaming them for innocent mistakes.
4
I think if it were me I would say to my kid of such an age:
"People sometimes exclude each other for being different in some way. Sometimes you'll hear someone say 'Not you, you're black.' Sometimes it will be, 'Not you, you're a girl.' Sometimes, 'Not you, no boys.' Sometimes 'Not you, you talk funny' or 'You can't walk' or 'Only big kids, no little sisters.' You will see people do this a lot. But we don't exclude people because it's not fair and it's not nice. We include everyone and we don't judge people just because they're a this or a that."
To a bigger kid you might try to explain that in this country people most often exclude and mistreat on the basis of skin color and economic class (and weight, actually), while in other countries people might most often exclude and mistreat on the basis of sex or age (and most likely still economic class).
And to a bigger kid still you explain the historical and cultural reasons for these cross-cultural differences.
But one constant to teach to all kids is that the one thing that (sadly) DOES seem to be universal is this tendency to exclude and other-ise and mistreat. Which does not mean that it can't be resisted. It means that we must resist it not just in others but in ourselves.
"People sometimes exclude each other for being different in some way. Sometimes you'll hear someone say 'Not you, you're black.' Sometimes it will be, 'Not you, you're a girl.' Sometimes, 'Not you, no boys.' Sometimes 'Not you, you talk funny' or 'You can't walk' or 'Only big kids, no little sisters.' You will see people do this a lot. But we don't exclude people because it's not fair and it's not nice. We include everyone and we don't judge people just because they're a this or a that."
To a bigger kid you might try to explain that in this country people most often exclude and mistreat on the basis of skin color and economic class (and weight, actually), while in other countries people might most often exclude and mistreat on the basis of sex or age (and most likely still economic class).
And to a bigger kid still you explain the historical and cultural reasons for these cross-cultural differences.
But one constant to teach to all kids is that the one thing that (sadly) DOES seem to be universal is this tendency to exclude and other-ise and mistreat. Which does not mean that it can't be resisted. It means that we must resist it not just in others but in ourselves.
138
I'm sorry you didn't step in and say something for the benefit of everyone involved. This was an excellent opportunity to teach a valuable lesson. When this happens again, please do what you can to educate. The world needs to hear from you.
3
I've got a 5 year old (and some younger), and I think the leap to racism for the little girl or at home is a bit too far. My son, when 4, once told me that he was going to chop me up and cook me in the oven. I told him that wasn't a nice thing to say to someone, but it wasn't coming from all the cannibalistic teachings we gave it home. He was just re-purposing something from a book. Little kids get confused about the right way to use things they hear all the time. In this case, I think it's entirely appropriate to simply tell the parent what you heard, and leave it at that. Their kid's racist comments may come as a total surprise to the parent. But you don't know if no one says anything. If my kid said what's described to another kid, I'd want to know asap.
397
I would not be so quick to judge the girl's parents. As many commenters have already pointed out, little children do not need teachers to learn how to be racist, and in fact I believe that it is dangerous to think so. We are tribal animals, and 'otherness' is a very compelling way of thinking, no matter what the age or environment. We need to do more than simply assume there would be no racism without it being 'taught'; we all need to teach ourselves and our children tolerance and compassion, every day for the rest of our lives, because so much of our nature goes counter to those qualities.
13
I am the White father of a brown child from Central America. I, too, worry for my son and what he sees and hears from his peers and the world around him. It's easy for me to say Mr. Sanders should have spoken to the little girl's mom, but I also get that she may WELL have heard that at home. It's not easy to do, but it's easy to judge from a distance.
Sadly, we cannot protect our children from bigotry, we can only teach them to be strong in the face of it.
Sadly, we cannot protect our children from bigotry, we can only teach them to be strong in the face of it.
9
As a white person there is no way I can understand the prejudice that people of color experience on a daily basis. The closest I came was in the 80's when I lived for a few years in Japan. They have a word to describe anyone who isn't Japanese--Gaijin, or outsider. I spoke Japanese fluently. I loved living in Japan. And yet, no matter how much I tried to fit in, I couldn't because of my ethnicity. I had several friends from countries in Africa who were also studying at universities there and their experiences were much worse than mine. That was the first time I understood how demoralizing racism is. And I remember thinking how horrible it would be to have the same thing happen to me in my own country.
My closest friend is an Alaskan native. While we lived in Alaska, she thankfully rarely encountered racism. After moving to Washington state, it was a daily occurrence. And her children experienced the same thing as Mr Sander's son. When her daughter was 4 years old, I remember her playing with a group of kids when one of them asked her "what are you?" She looked at him, smiled and said, "I'm Lily." It's sad that in the 21st century nothing seems to have changed.
My closest friend is an Alaskan native. While we lived in Alaska, she thankfully rarely encountered racism. After moving to Washington state, it was a daily occurrence. And her children experienced the same thing as Mr Sander's son. When her daughter was 4 years old, I remember her playing with a group of kids when one of them asked her "what are you?" She looked at him, smiled and said, "I'm Lily." It's sad that in the 21st century nothing seems to have changed.
6
It's been over 60 years, but I can still remember playing volleyball on a city street with elementary school classmates. As a black girl pushed the ball toward me, I noticed the palms of her hands. I said Wanda - your hands are white!" She replied "I wish I was."
6
Very good article. My only caveat: It's never a good idea to listen to music an elevator (or in an airplane, or on a train or bus, etc.) at a volume audible to others, and if for some reason you find yourself suddenly in that situation, turning the music down (off, even better) is a perfectly sensible thing to do.
5
As a white man and parent, I would want to know if one of my three children ever said something like that. Even though it's not their responsibility, I would hope that the other child's parent would have the courage or wherewithal to say something in a situation that's almost impossible to figure out what to say - and I would welcome (albeit not in the moment) the awkward conversation that would follow. I would be embarrassed and would be too flustered to know what to say right then, but I would want to know so that I could use the event as an opportunity to teach my children the pain that their words can cause.
272
Thank you for your honesty here. I want to note that conversations about race, and teaching about interactions among children should not only be the responsibility of black or other non-white parents. My child is white, and came home from day care one day labeling some faces as "brown." Because there was no malice involved, his non-white day care teacher didn't seem to mind, until I pointed out that he didn't apply any qualifier to white faces. We don't live in a color-blind society, and it's a disservice to all of our children to pretend that we do, but it's important even for a white child to know that white is not a norm from which other colors are a deviation. Now he does use a qualifier (though he has informed me, in no uncertain terms, that his face - and mine- are in his estimation "peachy"). So be it, as long as he is learning to be aware, inclusive, caring and equitable. We all have an opportunity to teach our children and those with whom they interact, and to listen and learn from other brave parents like you.
4
I agree that the situation warranted intervention at the time so that your child and the others heard an adult say "no, you cannot treat another child that way." But what a balancing act, to figure out the words, tone and body language that will be clear but not threatening. One possibility though is that the words from the little girl did not echo her parents, but came from another relative or a babysitter. Our daughters' grandparents were nice white people very much of their generation. After spending a few days with them, the girls needed retraining. I had a friend who was horrified when their son repeated something quite racist that their dependable babysitter had said in front of the child. But you and your wife seem to be handling this with intelligence and dignity,
3
As the black father of an 11 year old daughter, I would like to thank you for accurately writing about this aspect of raising healthy black children in multiracial settings. I vividly remember a little white girl coming up to me and asking me to make my daughter stop playing with her and the other white children.
6
An excellent piece that truly touched me and saddened me.
I recall long ago learning that we ALL should "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Wonderful words to live by.
This father faces challenges that should long be gone. I commend him and the pathway he is taking with his son.
Being a parent today is harder than ever in a country filled with hate and unfounded fear.
We all need to revisit those lessons of long ago and think of the children today - all of the children.
I recall long ago learning that we ALL should "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Wonderful words to live by.
This father faces challenges that should long be gone. I commend him and the pathway he is taking with his son.
Being a parent today is harder than ever in a country filled with hate and unfounded fear.
We all need to revisit those lessons of long ago and think of the children today - all of the children.
4
Ten years ago I could have told this story, but my 3-year old son was the one who told a black classmate that she couldn't play with him because of her skin color. I am telling this intensely embarrassing story not to tell you that your story did not happen, and I hope you don't read it that way. But just to point out that in young children, there could be an explanation other than overt racism in the house.
It was during Black History Month (of course) when there had been a lot of discussion in the car between me and his older brother and sister about the racial history of this country. I believe that the overheard discussion of separate schools, separate swimming pools, separate housing, was muddled and misheard in the 3 year old brain. Instead of hearing behavior to reject, he heard behavior to emulate. Have you ever heard the parenting advice to only tell children what to do, and don't tell them what NOT to do (because they don't hear the "don't" at the beginning of the sentence)? I think this was the perfect example.
I was brought in for counseling with the teacher and school therapist. I wasn't told the identity of the child that he spoke to. If word got around that we were "that" family, I honestly didn't hear it. I do think about the child that he spoke to, however innocently. Was this the beginning of a lifetime of comments that will slowly chip away at her innocence and confidence?
It was during Black History Month (of course) when there had been a lot of discussion in the car between me and his older brother and sister about the racial history of this country. I believe that the overheard discussion of separate schools, separate swimming pools, separate housing, was muddled and misheard in the 3 year old brain. Instead of hearing behavior to reject, he heard behavior to emulate. Have you ever heard the parenting advice to only tell children what to do, and don't tell them what NOT to do (because they don't hear the "don't" at the beginning of the sentence)? I think this was the perfect example.
I was brought in for counseling with the teacher and school therapist. I wasn't told the identity of the child that he spoke to. If word got around that we were "that" family, I honestly didn't hear it. I do think about the child that he spoke to, however innocently. Was this the beginning of a lifetime of comments that will slowly chip away at her innocence and confidence?
17
An excellent article and something all people should read so they get an idea where implicit bias comes from. It starts as "White kids only" and as the child grows up and learns that overt racism is not acceptable, it becomes "he looks dangerous", "she could be violent" and "they might be gang bangers". All are unconscious code (sometimes conscious) for our thoughts about black people.
Where did he get the money for that car? Is she carrying a gun? I have to be very conscious and careful to control my implicit bias against black people or it rears it's ugly head. For the record, although I'm not visible, I would have been a slave under pre 1864 American law.
Where did he get the money for that car? Is she carrying a gun? I have to be very conscious and careful to control my implicit bias against black people or it rears it's ugly head. For the record, although I'm not visible, I would have been a slave under pre 1864 American law.
4
I hesitate to comment because we’re all hypersensitive about discussions involving race. This is an eloquently written account of an ugly incident and thankfully the author’s son was resilient.
But I am curious what the white bystander dad should have said instead? It reads like he was attempting to reassure the author that the 5 year old was not actually racist, which obviously was not appreciated by Mr. Sanders. Should he just have said “That’s disgraceful and unacceptable,” and left it at that? Or apologized on behalf of white people? Or marched over and scolded the other parent?
A statement like, “He did what a lot of white people do,” seems to lump white people together as ignorant or tactless. Maybe we are. But if a white author started a sentence with “He did what a lot of black people do,” I’d wager that statement would be immediately attacked as insensitive and racist.
Part of the reason people do not know what to say in such situations, is that everyone tries to avoid talking about matters of race in fear they will unintentionally offend someone, just as the well-intentioned white dad obviously did.
We have a long way to go to achieve true racial equality, but we may get there faster once people aren’t afraid to talk about it.
But I am curious what the white bystander dad should have said instead? It reads like he was attempting to reassure the author that the 5 year old was not actually racist, which obviously was not appreciated by Mr. Sanders. Should he just have said “That’s disgraceful and unacceptable,” and left it at that? Or apologized on behalf of white people? Or marched over and scolded the other parent?
A statement like, “He did what a lot of white people do,” seems to lump white people together as ignorant or tactless. Maybe we are. But if a white author started a sentence with “He did what a lot of black people do,” I’d wager that statement would be immediately attacked as insensitive and racist.
Part of the reason people do not know what to say in such situations, is that everyone tries to avoid talking about matters of race in fear they will unintentionally offend someone, just as the well-intentioned white dad obviously did.
We have a long way to go to achieve true racial equality, but we may get there faster once people aren’t afraid to talk about it.
61
You have misunderstood something. When the author says "He did what a lot of white people do", he meant precisely what you say you've noticed people do, which is avoid the subject as best they can. You cannot admonish his lumping without realizing your own, which actually confirms his.
It is not universal, but yes, just as you clearly illustrate, it is true that white people frequently seek to avoid the subject. Black people are less likely to because they are more accustomed to talking about it. This is not a gross offensive generalization, because neither action denigrates the group. It just demonstrates a certain socialization and habit. And it is true that if we are to change things, we will need to speak up. In case you hadn't noticed, lots of people, white and black, are. To truly address the problem, more white people need to join the conversation and get over their desire to avoid. This is part of what the author is saying, and clearly you agree, so no need to chastise him for it.
It is not universal, but yes, just as you clearly illustrate, it is true that white people frequently seek to avoid the subject. Black people are less likely to because they are more accustomed to talking about it. This is not a gross offensive generalization, because neither action denigrates the group. It just demonstrates a certain socialization and habit. And it is true that if we are to change things, we will need to speak up. In case you hadn't noticed, lots of people, white and black, are. To truly address the problem, more white people need to join the conversation and get over their desire to avoid. This is part of what the author is saying, and clearly you agree, so no need to chastise him for it.
4
@Adam: The White father could have simply said something along the lines of "I wonder where that came from?" One of the most patronizing comments a White person can make to me is 'Oh, no, _____ isn't racist." Do I look like a fool to you? What makes you the arbiter of bigotry in another?
Read the comments to articles, editorials and opinion pieces in a publication as esteemed as the New York Times and you will be party to the mindset of defensive blame behind which most White respondents retreat when discussing matters of race:
(a) Black-on-Black crime;
(b) unwed parenthood;
(c) one monolithic neighborhood lacking in role models;
(d) some of us have "strange" given names;
(e) disrespect for authority (police officers);
(f) the tendency to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances and be executed by the police (see (c) above; and, if all else fails
(f) blame President Obama and the Obama phones (a G.W. Bush benefit but who bothers with facts?).
We can't hold a national conversation on race because White people believe themselves already experts on the subject and refuse to hear what their Black, Brown, Yellow and Red neighbors have to say. What good is a one-way conversation?
Read the comments to articles, editorials and opinion pieces in a publication as esteemed as the New York Times and you will be party to the mindset of defensive blame behind which most White respondents retreat when discussing matters of race:
(a) Black-on-Black crime;
(b) unwed parenthood;
(c) one monolithic neighborhood lacking in role models;
(d) some of us have "strange" given names;
(e) disrespect for authority (police officers);
(f) the tendency to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances and be executed by the police (see (c) above; and, if all else fails
(f) blame President Obama and the Obama phones (a G.W. Bush benefit but who bothers with facts?).
We can't hold a national conversation on race because White people believe themselves already experts on the subject and refuse to hear what their Black, Brown, Yellow and Red neighbors have to say. What good is a one-way conversation?
3
The white father should have said: "That's racist and unacceptable." Seeing the black father was upset and concerned about how he would come across, he should have suggested a way to bring together the author and the parent of the little girl. He could have mediated it if things got heated. I can imagine some parents saying: "My daughter would never say that!"
It's implied that the author sought out the white guy for advice because they knew each other from previous playground visits and had some rapport.
There was plenty the white guy could have done.
It's implied that the author sought out the white guy for advice because they knew each other from previous playground visits and had some rapport.
There was plenty the white guy could have done.
2
A 5 year old child is expressing what she learnt at home no matter how sanguine the parent's "non-racial" behavior in the outside world appears to be. The parent should have been spoken to about her girl's words. About 20 years ago I watched my 5 year old son play when one small white boy, older than him, blocked him from enjoying the slide by saying "Indian people are dirty." While infuriated at what I heard, I was equally glad to hear his white friend say "that's not nice thing to say." The offensive boy continued "my parents told me." That proves the point that racism is taught to innocent kids by parents.
2
Simply heartbreaking.
I remember being a little girl about 5 years old in Tallahassee. I was sort of white (mixed Greek father). My first lesson was to be jerked away from a water fountain and a white man harshly telling me that I should not be drinking from the fountain marked "colored". "That's nasty" he said. I didn't yet know how to read, but It still made no sense to me and my outrage began.
Later coming home from my first day at school, I asked my mother why the other kids laughed at me. "What's a little "Geek"?" I asked her.
A few years later, the summer before starting forth grade, I was standing in a crowded line, waiting to buy a ticket to see an afternoon matinee. My friends were already inside. Suddenly out of nowhere, the large, well dressed white man in front of me reached back and gouged his hand into my crotch and squeezed...hard! I was stunned. I was seven years old, going on eight. He never turned around or looked at me. He casually walked to the ticket window and bought tickets for his family and they went inside. No one saw him do it, everything was as it was. Only it wasn't. I still wonder what I should have said or done. I did nothing.
Mr. Sanders states it more eloquently, but It starts early folks.
I remember being a little girl about 5 years old in Tallahassee. I was sort of white (mixed Greek father). My first lesson was to be jerked away from a water fountain and a white man harshly telling me that I should not be drinking from the fountain marked "colored". "That's nasty" he said. I didn't yet know how to read, but It still made no sense to me and my outrage began.
Later coming home from my first day at school, I asked my mother why the other kids laughed at me. "What's a little "Geek"?" I asked her.
A few years later, the summer before starting forth grade, I was standing in a crowded line, waiting to buy a ticket to see an afternoon matinee. My friends were already inside. Suddenly out of nowhere, the large, well dressed white man in front of me reached back and gouged his hand into my crotch and squeezed...hard! I was stunned. I was seven years old, going on eight. He never turned around or looked at me. He casually walked to the ticket window and bought tickets for his family and they went inside. No one saw him do it, everything was as it was. Only it wasn't. I still wonder what I should have said or done. I did nothing.
Mr. Sanders states it more eloquently, but It starts early folks.
5
I am an ELL (English Language Learner) teacher in urban St. Louis school where nearly 90% of our students are African-American. The rest are mostly ELL students from Mexico, Honduras, and other counties from Asia and Africa.
It is not unusual for me to hear the ELLs complain of the general population of students here bullying them. Last week, a 5th grade ELL student from the Democratic Republic of Congo was in tears because he said the African-American students were calling him "African" in "mean way." I've also had to console an upset girl from Honduras because one of the popular African-American girls called her a "white girl." When I taught at the middle school, the bullying was significantly worse than here at the elementary school.
In-groups and out-groups appear to be pretty much universal. Just take a look at the world around you. I am not condoning it, but it just is a fact of life. It is not something in which only one group of people do toward only one other group of people. The American media seems to be perpetuating the idea that only whites are racists and it's never portrayed as if it could ever be possibly different. In my experience working with children, I know that it often is.
Feeling like an outsider can't much fun for a kid, but I wonder sometimes if the message we send to ourselves, as adults, only makes matters worse.
It is not unusual for me to hear the ELLs complain of the general population of students here bullying them. Last week, a 5th grade ELL student from the Democratic Republic of Congo was in tears because he said the African-American students were calling him "African" in "mean way." I've also had to console an upset girl from Honduras because one of the popular African-American girls called her a "white girl." When I taught at the middle school, the bullying was significantly worse than here at the elementary school.
In-groups and out-groups appear to be pretty much universal. Just take a look at the world around you. I am not condoning it, but it just is a fact of life. It is not something in which only one group of people do toward only one other group of people. The American media seems to be perpetuating the idea that only whites are racists and it's never portrayed as if it could ever be possibly different. In my experience working with children, I know that it often is.
Feeling like an outsider can't much fun for a kid, but I wonder sometimes if the message we send to ourselves, as adults, only makes matters worse.
47
I challenge the notion that the bullying you describe comes from an in-group/out-group philosophy. Or that it serves as ipso facto evidence that blacks are just as racist. I was called the same kinds of names as the ELLs but came from the same background as the other students! I'm sure that in 90% white schools bullying happens amongst kids from the same background as well. Because the simple fact is kids can be cruel for a variety of reasons. And they will use whatever verbal weapon has the most impact. The tools they use tend to come from a combination of other peers and home training and social media. It's a confusing time for kids at that age who don't always know when what they hear and see is unacceptable. That's why parental reinforcement via modeling is so critical.
1
You make it sound so benign. Yes. there will probably always be in groups and out groups, though hopefully there are also human beings who see others beyond the categories. The Germans were "them (according to Ben Franklin)," then the Irish, Italians, Poles, etc. Now Hispanics are "them." Eventually, after a generation or two, they become "us."
The difference is that black people have for around 500 years been seen as less than fully human, if human at all. Black parents internalize the dehumanization and play it out, unconsciously, with their children, reinforced by external sources of racism, and they with their children. There is a transgenerational haunting that seeps into a psychological culture, adding layer upon layer of rage and self-loathing. The imigrant came here with a family not burdened by this legacy, and eventually will become part of the "us."
Black people have never been "us." Will they ever be? That depends on "us."
The difference is that black people have for around 500 years been seen as less than fully human, if human at all. Black parents internalize the dehumanization and play it out, unconsciously, with their children, reinforced by external sources of racism, and they with their children. There is a transgenerational haunting that seeps into a psychological culture, adding layer upon layer of rage and self-loathing. The imigrant came here with a family not burdened by this legacy, and eventually will become part of the "us."
Black people have never been "us." Will they ever be? That depends on "us."
3
I know how exhausting teaching is, especially in an under resourced school, because I've done it before. But I just wanted to say that if are as complacent about racism and prejudice as you seem, it hurts my heart. If our children can't depend on their teachers to back up our efforts to correct them, our society is doomed.
I don't think I would have been able to control my initial anger and pain enough to not have approached the parent. But, I'm not a scary-black-man living in a society where scary-black-men are highly incentivized to develop an automatic systems recalibration reaction.
I hate to have to say this, but I want to discourage the author from approaching the children directly because that may result in exactly the kind of misplaced alarm he was trying to avoid and lead to more difficulties for his family- especially if the parent is, in fact, teaching their child ignorance.
Would it have been possible to start a conversation with the mother and then bring the discussion to the children? Hopefully, she would have been disturbed by her daughter's words and willing to speak openly to both children with the author. If, however, it turns out that the girl was repeating her mother's sentiments, the author could reshape the discussion he will have with his son accordingly.
Or, maybe the author could speak to his son about how precisely to respond to future incidents. Teach him not to let things pass, give him key phrases to say, and tell him how/when to bring adults into the conversation (perhaps with role play?). It truly breaks my heart to say this, but this is probably something I would review with my child on a regular basis if I were a black parent, desperately hoping that it would teach him to speak for himself-- and keep him safe.
I hate to have to say this, but I want to discourage the author from approaching the children directly because that may result in exactly the kind of misplaced alarm he was trying to avoid and lead to more difficulties for his family- especially if the parent is, in fact, teaching their child ignorance.
Would it have been possible to start a conversation with the mother and then bring the discussion to the children? Hopefully, she would have been disturbed by her daughter's words and willing to speak openly to both children with the author. If, however, it turns out that the girl was repeating her mother's sentiments, the author could reshape the discussion he will have with his son accordingly.
Or, maybe the author could speak to his son about how precisely to respond to future incidents. Teach him not to let things pass, give him key phrases to say, and tell him how/when to bring adults into the conversation (perhaps with role play?). It truly breaks my heart to say this, but this is probably something I would review with my child on a regular basis if I were a black parent, desperately hoping that it would teach him to speak for himself-- and keep him safe.
5
I have no qualms about questioning children in their thoughts and behaviours. Say it with humour and patience: "What if NAME had purple skin? Would he be ok? What if DIFFERENT CHILD had green skin with pink dots? Would that be ok? How about ANOTHER CHILD - if he/she had orange skin with red stripes, what about that? How about blue skin, that ok? Some have brown skin, some cream, some pink, some have white - are all those ok too? (Gently and smiling...) Come on then, you all play together.
Don't bother with the parents, you know their views.
Don't bother with the parents, you know their views.
1
Very good story, for the teachings, not for what transpired. It is sad to hear that parents are teaching their kids to be racists/bigots.
2
Right on, Mr. Sanders.
As a white guy with no use for racial social constructs, with a social circle of like-minded people, I'm taken aback whenever I hear racism. Intervene. The good news is that I experience it rarely.
I'm privileged in that my children and I are not the target of invidious racial identification, but I do feel the burden of intervening if I witness it - especially around my young children. I don't want them to get the wrong impression that I think it's OK to distinguish peers on the basis of invidious social constructs such as race. In our circle of family and friends, we see people as people. We distinguish between people on the basis of their character, not their 'race,' gender, religion or wealth.
Where I really struggle with are validations of social constructs by those burdened by them. For example, how do I explain to my daughter about her friend's family's attendance at what they describe as a 'black church?' How can a church 'be' racial, rather than doctrinal? On one hand, I get why those who live under the burden of racial social constructs seek refuge. And I wouldn't deny 'black' people a 'black' culture, if they want one, just because I don't see 'blacks' as any different from me. On the other hand, there are liberal congregations that reject race as a social construct.
I may have claim to 'privileged' social constructs, but I don't claim them. If I'm not accepted for my character, I don't want acceptance. Easy for me to say, I know.
As a white guy with no use for racial social constructs, with a social circle of like-minded people, I'm taken aback whenever I hear racism. Intervene. The good news is that I experience it rarely.
I'm privileged in that my children and I are not the target of invidious racial identification, but I do feel the burden of intervening if I witness it - especially around my young children. I don't want them to get the wrong impression that I think it's OK to distinguish peers on the basis of invidious social constructs such as race. In our circle of family and friends, we see people as people. We distinguish between people on the basis of their character, not their 'race,' gender, religion or wealth.
Where I really struggle with are validations of social constructs by those burdened by them. For example, how do I explain to my daughter about her friend's family's attendance at what they describe as a 'black church?' How can a church 'be' racial, rather than doctrinal? On one hand, I get why those who live under the burden of racial social constructs seek refuge. And I wouldn't deny 'black' people a 'black' culture, if they want one, just because I don't see 'blacks' as any different from me. On the other hand, there are liberal congregations that reject race as a social construct.
I may have claim to 'privileged' social constructs, but I don't claim them. If I'm not accepted for my character, I don't want acceptance. Easy for me to say, I know.
42
Sam I Am nailed it. Smartest comment by far. Race is not real. "Black" as a culture is ridiculous as much as "Orange" could be a culture. It is a color... and if you want to use such basic and vague terminology for a rich history and mixed cultural background of original Africans and other indigenous people, then so be it, but I hope I can change your perspective. As long as I have breath in my lungs I will rail against the falsehood of "race" and "privilege" and all the other nonsense people use to categorize other people.
1
"For example, how do I explain to my daughter about her friend's family's attendance at what they describe as a 'black church?' "
Why don't you try educating yourself and her about the history of black people in American and the role of the black church for some black Americans? Why don't you attend a service with your daughter's family? I'm sure you will be treated kindly.
Yes, it is easy for you to say.
Why don't you try educating yourself and her about the history of black people in American and the role of the black church for some black Americans? Why don't you attend a service with your daughter's family? I'm sure you will be treated kindly.
Yes, it is easy for you to say.
2
I applaud your decision to intervene, as thoughtfully as possible, next time (sadly, there will be a next time).
I grew up in a not particularly diverse place, and had some male role models who make me shudder when I remember things they'd say about all non-white people.
Education is what saved me, and it can start in the playground.
All the best.
I grew up in a not particularly diverse place, and had some male role models who make me shudder when I remember things they'd say about all non-white people.
Education is what saved me, and it can start in the playground.
All the best.
4
each confrontation,
seemingly innocent or not,
requires a measured response.
your narrative today is both uplifting and despairing:
uplifting for reinforcing positive ways in which to overcome the improperly instructed,
alas in the fact that 2016 is, in far too many ways, an unending repetition of past slights and falsehoods.
may your children find a more-all-accepting universe in their very near future.
thank you for sharing with us.
3
As a 57-year old with a Masters in Early Childhood education, I have had a career in pre-school education. I always tell parents that raising kids is the toughest job in the world, bar none. That is until I became the grandmother of a biracial boy. Hence, I have painfully learnt that raising such a sweetheart is the toughest job in America with such a high multiplier I can’t even put it into words. It doesn’t matter the career success of his parents, the stability of his family, which neighborhood he lives in or his near perfect manners. Why? He has the ‘wrong’ skin color.
13
I would really like to prescribe this article to all of the "All Lives Matter" people and all of the "reverse racism" claimants.
The difficulties in addressing these issues never go away but somehow and hopefully change generationally.
The difficulties in addressing these issues never go away but somehow and hopefully change generationally.
5
I can relate to this story. My son was told on the playground that he couldn't play soccer because he is white. He was told this by an Indian boy. When I told the teacher what was going on, there was a meeting with all the boys involved - my son wasn't the only one who was told this - and the parents of the discriminator. Be aware that NY State has very strict bullying laws and school are required to address racism directly.
We should all be aware that this is a very natural process of trusting those that look like us and not others, which begins around 5. Just because a child says this does not necessarily mean they are learning it at home. For parents of this current young generation, we need to talk about these issues with our children and work as partners with our schools to address the implicit bias that we see arising in good people but having negative consequences.
Just as the police have a hard time recognizing these issues, and the training that they get to correct it is not necessarily effective all the time, it is our job as parents to talk to kids about these ways of thinking and acting that will make them receptive to the changes that need to be made.
Of course, this is easier said than done - I didn't bring it up with the teachers at first until they said my child was behaving differently after lunch than before. But their reaction gave me hope that the next generation will be the best prepared to overcome these issues in the future.
We should all be aware that this is a very natural process of trusting those that look like us and not others, which begins around 5. Just because a child says this does not necessarily mean they are learning it at home. For parents of this current young generation, we need to talk about these issues with our children and work as partners with our schools to address the implicit bias that we see arising in good people but having negative consequences.
Just as the police have a hard time recognizing these issues, and the training that they get to correct it is not necessarily effective all the time, it is our job as parents to talk to kids about these ways of thinking and acting that will make them receptive to the changes that need to be made.
Of course, this is easier said than done - I didn't bring it up with the teachers at first until they said my child was behaving differently after lunch than before. But their reaction gave me hope that the next generation will be the best prepared to overcome these issues in the future.
164
"Bullying" and "racism" with five year olds? Surely you jest. The boy's actions were wrong and needed to be corrected, but you instantly morph the conversation into something much more sinister and heavy when you start bandying about words like that, which assume a level of intentionality that no five-year-old possesses.
People would really do well to stop being so sanctimonious and appreciate that kids are just being kids, and while they should learn the proper way to behave, we don't have to go down a tunnel of weighted buzzwords over their innocent mistakes.
People would really do well to stop being so sanctimonious and appreciate that kids are just being kids, and while they should learn the proper way to behave, we don't have to go down a tunnel of weighted buzzwords over their innocent mistakes.
4
As the white father of a white kid in a society dominated by white privilege, I respectfully doubt you can "relate" to what the author is relating. Said a white person.
2
My one complaint about this editorial is that he said "all the white children...." It's not just the white children who need to experience resistance to racism. Racism comes in all colors. While African Americans may be on the receiving end of it more than other races, racist attitudes are prevalent in all races when they perceive the "other."
13
It is possible that it's not the parents, but seeped in, as the little girl tries to understand the world, in this hate-filled year.
About that age, I asked my mother if it was OK for me to marry a boy I'll call Eli (I don't remember his name). The issue was that Eli's eyes were not the same color as mine.
I have no idea where I got the idea that color had anything to do with marriage or anything else. Certainly not from my parents (for those who might question this assertion, an example of how they raised us: when driving through the South a few years later, my parents gathered us up and walked out of a restaurant when the black family behind us in line was turned away.)
Perhaps I heard something on TV about the Loving v Virginia case, which might have been in the news around that time, but I have no idea.
Hopefully for both your son and the little girl it was a forgettable moment, even though disheartening for us adults, and they and your community of friends will grow in friendship and understanding.
About that age, I asked my mother if it was OK for me to marry a boy I'll call Eli (I don't remember his name). The issue was that Eli's eyes were not the same color as mine.
I have no idea where I got the idea that color had anything to do with marriage or anything else. Certainly not from my parents (for those who might question this assertion, an example of how they raised us: when driving through the South a few years later, my parents gathered us up and walked out of a restaurant when the black family behind us in line was turned away.)
Perhaps I heard something on TV about the Loving v Virginia case, which might have been in the news around that time, but I have no idea.
Hopefully for both your son and the little girl it was a forgettable moment, even though disheartening for us adults, and they and your community of friends will grow in friendship and understanding.
9
Whites resent the racial rhetoric that always finds a way to make them into the villain. There is never mention of a racist comment made by a Black, Asian or Hispanic (although they happen all the time in real life). No, the egg is always on the white guy's (or little girls) face.
The resentment from this unfair treatment has led to Trump. It's not rocket science, it is equality.
The resentment from this unfair treatment has led to Trump. It's not rocket science, it is equality.
9
I think your comparison is deeply flawed. It's an instance of false equivalence - as if minority peoples' racism in America is somehow the same, and enabled and emboldened by the same support system that whites have historically enjoyed and taken refuge in. Does the word "minority" somehow get canceled out for you in thinking of bias or hate expressed by anyone? No cultural and civic and legal context? No history? Bigotry absolutely does not take place in a vacuum.
6
White people have long enjoyed the benefits that come with their skin color. This is not "unfair treatment."
7
It's a story told by a black person. Let's hear your story about how you have been poorly treated by a minority. It's not on the author to go seek out a comparable story for balance.
5
My son is four and we are white and he started making comments like that just about the time he started noticing that skin comes in different colors. He said he didn't want a teacher with black skin, for example. My husband and I were horrified by this and tried to introduce him to more black children, including seeking out playgrounds with a more diverse population and finding books with characters of color. This has *completely* stopped that kind of talk. I think this was an instinctive "fear of the other," that at this age should be counted as a teachable moment, rather than "garbage" learned at home (that comes later, after moments like these aren't capitalized on. Sadly.) If my child spoke that way to another child at the playground I would hope to goodness that parent would come and let me know. "It takes a village," and this is part of that. But it is really valuable to hear why that might be intimidating/not worth the effort. Depressing, but valuable. Thanks for your story.
757
My dog hated black people. I'll never know why, but he did.
1
I tell my (mixed race) kids the story of my white, homogeneous village where every year, there was a fight with the neighboring village. Most families were spread between the two locations, but the upcoming fight and the reasons why the other village was inferior were the only playground topics for a few weeks each summer.
I tell them that this is how weak people think. If they can't define the 'other' by color or religion or gender, then they will find something as silly as which side of the street they live on.
May we all be wise teachers for our own children and the others in the playground. Alas, the political climate is certainly not helping.
I tell them that this is how weak people think. If they can't define the 'other' by color or religion or gender, then they will find something as silly as which side of the street they live on.
May we all be wise teachers for our own children and the others in the playground. Alas, the political climate is certainly not helping.
2
This feels correct. I know when I was four or five, a distinct memory I had was grouping my friends into groups by skin color. I am mixed race so I'm not sure what group I put myself in--I don't recall.
Humans can be pretty amoral and awful until they are taught not to be. Maybe just approach the mom and say "it's no big deal, this starts to happen at this age, but your daughter is talking about skin color in a way that you might feel embarrassed by." Because that is the truth.
Humans can be pretty amoral and awful until they are taught not to be. Maybe just approach the mom and say "it's no big deal, this starts to happen at this age, but your daughter is talking about skin color in a way that you might feel embarrassed by." Because that is the truth.
1
I am sorry for your son and for so many others who daily face this mean spirited bigotry. It is a challenge we need to fight collectively and continually.
I did want to say that , as a white woman who crosses the street or whose hackles go up when confronting men alone in dark places, it has nothing to do with the colour of your skin, and everything to do with your gender. From the high school hallways, to the streets below construction sites, to donald trump's pageant dressing rooms, harassment and assault are very real concerns.
When all of us understand we are one family of brothers and sisters who must stand together or die, it will be a refreshing and healing day for humankind.
I did want to say that , as a white woman who crosses the street or whose hackles go up when confronting men alone in dark places, it has nothing to do with the colour of your skin, and everything to do with your gender. From the high school hallways, to the streets below construction sites, to donald trump's pageant dressing rooms, harassment and assault are very real concerns.
When all of us understand we are one family of brothers and sisters who must stand together or die, it will be a refreshing and healing day for humankind.
115
Sigh...
I'm a white gal with an 8 year old son.
If I heard what you did on the playground, among a group of parents and kids I know, I would tell the child, in a gentle way, that we don't talk that way to other people. Because it is very hurtful to be spoken to in that way, and we wouldn't like if someone told us we couldn't play for that reason, would we? And that we need to treat other people the way we would like them to treat us, with kindness. Kids can understand this, and it isn't offensive.
I would also bring it to the mother's attention. If she didn't hear it she'd probably want to know. She can't do her job as a parent if she doesn't.
If it came out of my kids mouth I would definitely want to know.
I'm a white gal with an 8 year old son.
If I heard what you did on the playground, among a group of parents and kids I know, I would tell the child, in a gentle way, that we don't talk that way to other people. Because it is very hurtful to be spoken to in that way, and we wouldn't like if someone told us we couldn't play for that reason, would we? And that we need to treat other people the way we would like them to treat us, with kindness. Kids can understand this, and it isn't offensive.
I would also bring it to the mother's attention. If she didn't hear it she'd probably want to know. She can't do her job as a parent if she doesn't.
If it came out of my kids mouth I would definitely want to know.
89
Unfortunately, he's a black male and so he has to think twice, three times, four times before he can say anything. No matter is approach. No matter how gentle or understanding or kind, the perception of black man has a way of escalating nothing into something. I fully understand his thought processes and his final decision. He did tell at least one man, so perhaps the knowledge of what her child said will make the rounds and eventually make it to mom. Maybe she'll care. Maybe she won't.
9
Sorry but I beg to disagree here. When my son was bullied in fifth grade I called the bully's mother to enlighten her and her response.... ??? 'If my son bulied your son he deserved it.' Well I got her son suspended for a week AND the assistant principal (whose first action was to have my son shake hands with his bully...I kid you not) FIRED. Most parents do not want to hear their children being criticized.
7
I appreciate much of this essay but I was very surprised by the immediate and unwavering assumption that the little girl was being taught racism at home. In my experience, racism doesn't usually manifest in comments like white people are better than black people and only whites should be allowed to do x,y,z, the kind of thing the author imagines the little girl was repeating. Usually it takes the form of either more blatant epithets or, more often, the subtle and the unsaid. I'm more worried about the children who don't know that it's okay to say out loud that my child is "black", have never heard the word used comfortably and with respect. A lot of times children who talk about race are the ones whose parents are having the necessary and healthy conversations, the kids who know there is such a thing as "whites only" being the ones who are actually being taught the terrible history of our country at home. Doesn't mean it's ok to act that history out in play, but these are five year olds. Or, maybe that little girl just came from a terrible racist household. Now, we'll never know. But I wish the author had taken the time to find out.
9
Sorry, you're off-base. I appreciate your rage and frustration but they are precisely the reason why you can't approach other people's kids. Do you think the child won't immediately pick up on your underlying mood of vexation? You will be in no condition to teach anyone a lesson. Besides, you're fooling yourself. You really do want to tell the child off. Save it for the parents. But rather than a face to face in a playground let me suggest another course of action instead-- seek a restraining order to keep this poorly educated child away from yours. You'll be plowing some new legal ground seeking it against a five year old. But if you want to get the parents' attention I can't think of a better or more nuclear way to do it. Shake things up a bit. You wouldn't have any great difficulty establishing that your son experienced real legal harm-- just dust off the 62 year old briefs to Brown v. Bd. of Ed. I guarantee her parents don't want any part of this. But if there is anything that we've learned from Trump & the Tea Party it's that Obama has been dead wrong all along. There is no conciliating or working with such people. They believe in force, all they understand is force. Either act forcefully towards them, always within the law of course, or you allow them to define you as weak. Good luck.
1
Nothing new. My first day in kindergarden, in a small town in Southern California, I was approached by several little white girls, and one little white boy. They kept touching my arm, and laughing. I asked why, and they said they wanted to know if my brown color would rub off. I am not African-American, but as a Latina, I always developed a dark tan in the summertime. The aide was right there, and as I sputtered and tried not to cry, she told me it was only a joke, and not to be upset.
8
Topher Sanders, you have touched me in a way that makes me want to rush out to that playground with your little boy. And to you, over the years. May the world be changing for you and all of us.
12
Speaking as an educator of color and counselor:
1. Mr. Sanders should have spoken to the parents or the organizer of the get-together. Then together decide if the parents should talk to the girl alone or if there should be a more inclusive conversation. Perhaps bring other parents into the conversation.
2. The determination to "interrupt the children as they play, or study, or swim in the pool" (a la Wanda Sykes) is unwise. In all likelihood it will be counterproductive and create defensive reactions that will obscure the original intent. You may very well be perceived as a bully. Maintain the high road and avoid drama.
1. Mr. Sanders should have spoken to the parents or the organizer of the get-together. Then together decide if the parents should talk to the girl alone or if there should be a more inclusive conversation. Perhaps bring other parents into the conversation.
2. The determination to "interrupt the children as they play, or study, or swim in the pool" (a la Wanda Sykes) is unwise. In all likelihood it will be counterproductive and create defensive reactions that will obscure the original intent. You may very well be perceived as a bully. Maintain the high road and avoid drama.
16
I really appreciate the response of how to do... thank you for this
3
I teach in a school with a large population of students who are black. I agree fully with the author that any and all racism must be met with swift and unequivocal condemnation. Even if the students do not see it as offensive, they must learn, as the author said, that racism and bigotry will be met with forceful push back.
My students understand that anything less than complete respect for one another as equals will not be tolerated; even if they think it is just in good fun, joking, etc.
My students understand that anything less than complete respect for one another as equals will not be tolerated; even if they think it is just in good fun, joking, etc.
13
Children pick up cues about race from the society around them, even though some studies show there might also be a certain degree of 'colour favoritism' right from early months after birth.
The US and the world in general still hasn't shaken off an obsession with skin color, 'race', and a notion that races are superior or inferior to one another.
There is so much healing in the US and globally as a result of this obession and notion and the economic fallout of colonialism and exploitation.
In the US a Truth and Reconciliation Commission is proposed to help heal the wounds and divisions. It is a platform item of Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein. It deserves more coverage, debate and analysis than has so far been forthcoming in the Times and other media.
The US and the world in general still hasn't shaken off an obsession with skin color, 'race', and a notion that races are superior or inferior to one another.
There is so much healing in the US and globally as a result of this obession and notion and the economic fallout of colonialism and exploitation.
In the US a Truth and Reconciliation Commission is proposed to help heal the wounds and divisions. It is a platform item of Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein. It deserves more coverage, debate and analysis than has so far been forthcoming in the Times and other media.
2
So, Mr White Guy here is aghast, if not totally surprised, but so might that little girl's mom be, no? Kids vacuum up reprehensible attitudes like bacteria from the kitchen floor, and you've no way of knowing if this bit of toxic behavior was modeled by her parents, or some random runny nosed redneck 5 year playmate. Couldn't have hurt to give mom a chance to make things right, and if she wouldn't, well the world is full of ignorant people. You aren't ever going to change that.
12
This is what black parents who are living and raising their families in predominately white or non-black environments are always on the alert to look out for. It may not be on the top of my consciousness all the time but it's always there. I don't think my children have experienced anything so blatant from another child, but we have had to address teachers when we heard something we felt was insensitive at best.
I would have asked the little girl "why?" followed by a gentle admonishment . And I definitely would have said something to the parent. If the little girl kicked your son on purpose, you would follow the same course of action.
Saying nothing causes you so much agita for no good reason and you miss a teachable moment for everyone involved.
Speak up, even though we both you know you have to be careful exactly how you do it.
I would have asked the little girl "why?" followed by a gentle admonishment . And I definitely would have said something to the parent. If the little girl kicked your son on purpose, you would follow the same course of action.
Saying nothing causes you so much agita for no good reason and you miss a teachable moment for everyone involved.
Speak up, even though we both you know you have to be careful exactly how you do it.
38
This is just so sad. But because of Trump and his politics of hate, I fear it will only get worse now that his cohorts believe that it's all a plot to subdue them into being "politically correct".
14
My white daughter once asked "why are all black people criminals" at about age 5. My sister said something similar at age 6. In neither case were they "getting it at home." My family is politically active and left wing. My daughter had friends who were black from a young age, including her very best friend at daycare from ages 2 to 4. We've had black people over to our houses, and consider many of them personal friends. It's not necessarily true that kids who say racist things are the product of racist parents. In a way, that makes it scarier. It seems to be something in the air, in the tv shows, in the magazine covers. Maybe it's from teachers or schoolmates. But when I asked my daughter where she got that idea, her reply was, "I don't know."
I think active education is helpful. We now read books about black activists and Martin Luther King, and I haven't heard that attitude repeated. I think what's important for white parents to learn is that the absence of a discussion of race means kids are more likely to pick up racist attitudes, not less. Kids pick up what's out there in the culture.
I think active education is helpful. We now read books about black activists and Martin Luther King, and I haven't heard that attitude repeated. I think what's important for white parents to learn is that the absence of a discussion of race means kids are more likely to pick up racist attitudes, not less. Kids pick up what's out there in the culture.
266
In reply to those who say that racists are a dying breed and that they will soon be gone I will reply, I thought the same when I was young, but then realized that racists have children too, and they teach their values - even if not overtly - to their children. Children learn very well from their parents, even when you don't think they are watching.
9
Frankly, this seems like a problem that the writer has perpetuated by not speaking up. If the writer felt that strongly about the action of a little girl, as a responsible parent and citizen, it is his job to educate and correct the behavior of the child/ his parents. I for one am tired of people who write opinion pieces like this to misdirect their guilt for not having spoken up against obvious racist behavior (especially for a fear of judgment/impact in his social standing as he elucidated in the article).
53
Huh. I read it as thoughtful reflection-the sort of introspection that leads to learning and growth-and an honest wrestling with the difficulties faced when the dominant culture's perceptions and reactions can bring powerful consequences.
Guilt I did not get.
Guilt I did not get.
4
Sorry, but I totally disagree with you. I think the writer made the right choices given the parameters of his family's life in a predominantly white smallish-community. His self-awareness is awesome.
That, in the heat of the moment, he could step out of himself and look at the whole situation based on all points of view, is extraordinary.
That he had to do that, instead of following any father's instincts to confront a wrong done to his child, is an indictment of who we, as a society, sadly still are.
That, in the heat of the moment, he could step out of himself and look at the whole situation based on all points of view, is extraordinary.
That he had to do that, instead of following any father's instincts to confront a wrong done to his child, is an indictment of who we, as a society, sadly still are.
6
He explained the highly reasonable negative impacts he feared, both for himself and for his son. Given that he understands the terrain better than 88% of the American population, being forced to live in it 24/7, I respect his right to make the choice he did for his own family.
6
I'm white. And I'm so sorry.
8
I'm white and readily acknowledge that Jerks come in all colors, religions, ethnicities, and ages.
Expressions of prejudice, regardless of target, should be corrected on the spot.
Expressions of prejudice, regardless of target, should be corrected on the spot.
3
Mr. Sanders, without losing the larger point of your article (which was excellent, thank you!), I had a thought on how you (we/any of us) could have handled that incident. It's tough, because sometimes the shock of it is paralyzing.
A grownup, after hearing "only white people", could have stepped in and said, playfully, "No! Only people with brown shoes can play!" Pointing at his/her own. And kept going - "What?! No...only people with red bows in their hair can play!" pointing at another child. Picking out each child in turn, playfully saying only someone with something they are wearing (or their brown eyes, or their short hair) can play. Then, perhaps - "OK, everyone jump on the merry go round and I'll give you a fast push!!"
It is a playful and non-scorched earth and hopefully effective way to get across that "white skin" is a random thing, as random as anything else, to divide people by.
And I imagine it may be effective with little kids. With adults, I like an "Oh! THAT'S not offensive!" followed by a disbelieving look at the speaker, after a horrible comment (I've not tried it yet; this is courtesy of another commenter who suggested it).
I've had trouble making friends in my small, wealthy, white, Republican town. I go to therapy and my therapist has asked me a few times if I think it is because of racism. I can't fathom it (I'm white, married to an Asian).
I'm glad you are writing here and sharing your story. It is important we all hear it. Thank you!
A grownup, after hearing "only white people", could have stepped in and said, playfully, "No! Only people with brown shoes can play!" Pointing at his/her own. And kept going - "What?! No...only people with red bows in their hair can play!" pointing at another child. Picking out each child in turn, playfully saying only someone with something they are wearing (or their brown eyes, or their short hair) can play. Then, perhaps - "OK, everyone jump on the merry go round and I'll give you a fast push!!"
It is a playful and non-scorched earth and hopefully effective way to get across that "white skin" is a random thing, as random as anything else, to divide people by.
And I imagine it may be effective with little kids. With adults, I like an "Oh! THAT'S not offensive!" followed by a disbelieving look at the speaker, after a horrible comment (I've not tried it yet; this is courtesy of another commenter who suggested it).
I've had trouble making friends in my small, wealthy, white, Republican town. I go to therapy and my therapist has asked me a few times if I think it is because of racism. I can't fathom it (I'm white, married to an Asian).
I'm glad you are writing here and sharing your story. It is important we all hear it. Thank you!
435
Very creative! I am akways the first to jump to meet things head -on; I admire people who are quick to find a different approach.
1
Very thoughtful article and we have experienced similar interactions - most of them coming from an attempt by adults to explain racism or Martin Luther King day or the concept of slavery. My 7 year old daughter has fairly dark skin as she is part Filipino. They had an exercise at school to do a skit about justice. She and her friends came up with a story that she was denied access to a restaurant because of her "brown" skin. I was horrified and had to check that's what she really said. But as she chose the topic and theme herself, I was not sure what to say. They ended the skit saying that this is not just and therefore the restaurant owner must let her in. Another time a little girl invited her for a play date simply because her very liberal school told her to be open to all races and she decided she would invite my daughter as the only "black" child she knew. Children are struggling to figure out what it's all about and adults need to be prepared. I appreciate the suggestions of alternatives by some posters such as the "red bow" or "brown shoes" above.
Cate, this is an interesting approach and I like that it doesn't shame the child. But I'm worried that the tone of the approach you suggest trivializes the harm done to the black child. I'm also worried that this approach fails to set proper boundaries for the white child or to teach empathy. I know that's a tall order, but so much is at stake here and we need to get this right. As an African-American mother who lives in predominantly white suburb just adjacent to one where Mr. Sanders lives, I would like other parents to tell their children simply that black children can play wherever they want and that they are welcome to play with white children, that black children don't need white people's permission to be part of group. And I would like those parents to continue to talk to their children about showing empathy to others including black children by asking how do you think it makes other children feel when you exclude them from play? Those two simple two approaches would help prevent this. But equally important is the message we send to our kids about race by the kinds of friends we have, the kinds of magazines we read, the TV shows we watch. If we really believe in racial equality, it needs to show up in our lives if we want it to show up in theirs.
5
When I was a very small boy in southern Illinois in the 1960s, racism was much more rampant in this country than it is today, but for the most part I was unaware of it, because my parents never said anything critical of someone's race or ethnicity. I do remember my mom teaching me to never use the N-word, which we had heard boys in the neighborhood using. My mom explained to me how hurtful the word was and how Black people had been mistreated and how many Blacks were even poorer than we were and that such language was extremely cruel. Yet when I was about three or four, I told my parents that I did not want to play with a Black boy. They were aghast and asked me, "Why?" I told them that I was afraid that the blackness would rub off on me, which makes you cringe doesn't it, but it had nothing to do with my family instilling racism in me. It was just a small child experiencing an irrational fear of the unknown and the different. My parents tried to explain how silly that was and helped me overcome my fears. The point is that the stray utterances of a five-year-old on the playground are probably not indicative of anything other than a very small child's imagination and immaturity. She might just as easily have said, "No boys allowed on the merry-go-round," because that is what kids do. An adult should not go into crisis mode over how to respond a small child's thoughtless or unkind remark, just kindly help teach them what is right.
32
What about when that girl points at your son and says "only girls"?
Obviously I'm playing devil's advocate, but 5 year olds push boundaries and test limits all the time. It doesn't necessarily follow that that girl was repeating racist drivel from "someone in that little girl's life" just because she said something awful. She might have been taught about racism and simply drawn the wrong conclusion, as kids that age are wont to do. While that put you and your son in an awful predicament, I think you were right not to angrily confront (i.e., prejudge) anyone about it.
Obviously I'm playing devil's advocate, but 5 year olds push boundaries and test limits all the time. It doesn't necessarily follow that that girl was repeating racist drivel from "someone in that little girl's life" just because she said something awful. She might have been taught about racism and simply drawn the wrong conclusion, as kids that age are wont to do. While that put you and your son in an awful predicament, I think you were right not to angrily confront (i.e., prejudge) anyone about it.
261
Andrew, why not let the devil of racism be his own advocate here? I'm concerned about how many people leapt into this discussion to challenge Sanders' experience and explain it away. It's a very natural reaction, and one that we as thoughtful humans have to constantly police in ourselves. But let's understand this - racism is many things, above all it is a felt experience that, like any other, cannot be challenged or explained away by those not present.
5
It's not "prejudging" when the act had occurred. It's also 100% reasonable to hold parents accountable for evil things that come out of their children's mouths. Even if they didn't put the words there, it's their job to make sure they never come out of her mouth again.
Also, on a related note, I have often found that people who "like to play Devil's advocate" do so because they think they're smarter or more analytical than the other person. Yet this is rarely the case, and I suspect Mr. Sanders knows everything that necessary to know about racism, okay?
Also, on a related note, I have often found that people who "like to play Devil's advocate" do so because they think they're smarter or more analytical than the other person. Yet this is rarely the case, and I suspect Mr. Sanders knows everything that necessary to know about racism, okay?
5
I agree - I think jumping to the conclusion that this 5 y/o is racist and she was taught it by her racist parents is premature. Likely more productive/effective would be either teaching (nicely) children about the harm of such statements next time they come up, or having a discussion with the parents.
5
More white people need to stand up and support people of color in these situations instead of making excuses. I'm trying to learn how to do this because that muscle to let someone else deal or to be in denial that it it was meant and not misheard has been well trained in me and all white people, the liberals and progressives included. I think it is up to us to step up and support confronting racism. How would you have felt if that father would have walked over with you to that Mom and talked to her with you? How would it felt if he would have said, let's go talk with her now. Do you want me to speak first or shall I back you up?
42
I wouldn't want my child playing with that kid, though I do hope the child learns better.
My daughter was 4 when she stumbled onto the N word. Our cat is named Tigger, and one day the word appeared in a rhyme scheme that I had to stop. Of course she wanted to know why it was a word she couldn't use and I really thought about how to define that word to a 4 year old. I told her it was a mean name used to call a person.
I consciously did not want to introduce racism to her. I didn't want to put it in her head to look at the world like that. I didn't want to give her false knowledge or teach her something that is completely wrong, I didn't want her learning that at home. I figured she'd learn about it at school or in the world, and we'd talk about it for what it is, which did start when she was in 1st grade.
As I read your essay, Mr. Sanders, I was struck by how differently parents teach their children, even when seeking the same end goal.
My daughter was 4 when she stumbled onto the N word. Our cat is named Tigger, and one day the word appeared in a rhyme scheme that I had to stop. Of course she wanted to know why it was a word she couldn't use and I really thought about how to define that word to a 4 year old. I told her it was a mean name used to call a person.
I consciously did not want to introduce racism to her. I didn't want to put it in her head to look at the world like that. I didn't want to give her false knowledge or teach her something that is completely wrong, I didn't want her learning that at home. I figured she'd learn about it at school or in the world, and we'd talk about it for what it is, which did start when she was in 1st grade.
As I read your essay, Mr. Sanders, I was struck by how differently parents teach their children, even when seeking the same end goal.
10
Thank you for writing this, I hope it is widely read. As a white woman and mom I should also have a response ready for both parents and children should I encounter something like this. Hadn't given this thought until now.
15
We all know that children don't have the same reluctance as adults to say what is on their minds. Watching my five year old boys playing with a group of Spanish speaking children, simultaneously joyfully attempting to speak Spanish and, of course, casually mocking the differences in language, I saw the kids trying to connect to each other as human beings. Their play was interesting precisely because their differences were fun, something to laugh and enjoy. They found ways to communicate as five year olds, and this was plenty of fun.
Another time, I watched with joy as one of their friends, a young black girl with a gorgeous and huge Afro, was running her hands through their buzz cut hair, as they responded, laughing, with a line from Disney's Zootopia about touching a sheep's wool.
We need to learn how to talk about race like our children do, honestly, without fear of judgement. And we need to have the same goal our children have: to play together.
Another time, I watched with joy as one of their friends, a young black girl with a gorgeous and huge Afro, was running her hands through their buzz cut hair, as they responded, laughing, with a line from Disney's Zootopia about touching a sheep's wool.
We need to learn how to talk about race like our children do, honestly, without fear of judgement. And we need to have the same goal our children have: to play together.
233
That's not what happened...at all. How you so thoroughly missed the point of this article is baffling.
5
Speaking of a gorgeous Afro, my white child, at age three (3!), was reprimanded by the school principal, and we had a conference with the other parents because my white daughter with very straight hair loved to touch and squeeze her classmate's curly hair. She would "pat" it, "squeeze" it, and pull her friend's head close to her cheek to feel the "spongy curls."
We were told our three-yr-old's behavior was racist, and that she must never touch her friend again.
Pitiful! I did the same thing to my boyfriend (when we were adults) to show affection. I'm sure my daughter was also showing affection, but the complaining adults interpreted it as demeaning and domineering. Three years old babies think that way? C'mon...........
We were told our three-yr-old's behavior was racist, and that she must never touch her friend again.
Pitiful! I did the same thing to my boyfriend (when we were adults) to show affection. I'm sure my daughter was also showing affection, but the complaining adults interpreted it as demeaning and domineering. Three years old babies think that way? C'mon...........
6
"We need to learn how to talk about race like our children do, honestly, without fear of judgement. "
I don't know what your point is. We are not children, adults deal with each other totally differently, and a little white girl said something incredibly ugly to a black man's little boy. The racist culture we live in itself shackled the upset father from being able to deal with this. A white person would not have to go through this mental exercise.
Maybe you should stop quoting platitudes that help no one and try to work on solutions. Realizing that people of color have very different experiences from your own would be a start.
I don't know what your point is. We are not children, adults deal with each other totally differently, and a little white girl said something incredibly ugly to a black man's little boy. The racist culture we live in itself shackled the upset father from being able to deal with this. A white person would not have to go through this mental exercise.
Maybe you should stop quoting platitudes that help no one and try to work on solutions. Realizing that people of color have very different experiences from your own would be a start.
1
I wish that ALL men would learn to 'present safeness' towards women and others.
In a civil society it's called good manners.
In this instance of a child on the playground, do remember they are children.
When I was growing up in the North East, believe me kids were beyond cruel.
EVERYONE had to grow a thicker skin at recess.
Teach your child to ignore these remarks and move on. Don't dwell on it.
If you keep picking a scab it won't heal as quickly.
In a civil society it's called good manners.
In this instance of a child on the playground, do remember they are children.
When I was growing up in the North East, believe me kids were beyond cruel.
EVERYONE had to grow a thicker skin at recess.
Teach your child to ignore these remarks and move on. Don't dwell on it.
If you keep picking a scab it won't heal as quickly.
9
This little boy was me 49 years ago in a Cleveland Public School kindergarten classroom. I winced the whole time I was reading about this young child who had not yet been exposed to the learned behavior of racism in all its ignorance.
Standing at the water fountain, the only little black girl in a group of little white girls, one of them suddenly announced, "She can't play with us, she's not the same color". I remember stepping back to wait "my turn" to get water. Confused, I ran the way home to tell my mommy. My mommy was the first person to explain to me this form of what she labeled ignorance on the part of the child's parents and their home training. She assured me I was just as smart as that little girl and encouraged me to do well in school no matter what.
The next day, water break came again. This time some part of me was determined to be first to get water. The little girl made a new announcement that day. She said, "She can play with us, the insides of our hands are all the same color".
Children can be taught, children can learn.
I forgave and I have had to forgive acts of racist ignorance many times since, but like that little boy, I push past it.
Standing at the water fountain, the only little black girl in a group of little white girls, one of them suddenly announced, "She can't play with us, she's not the same color". I remember stepping back to wait "my turn" to get water. Confused, I ran the way home to tell my mommy. My mommy was the first person to explain to me this form of what she labeled ignorance on the part of the child's parents and their home training. She assured me I was just as smart as that little girl and encouraged me to do well in school no matter what.
The next day, water break came again. This time some part of me was determined to be first to get water. The little girl made a new announcement that day. She said, "She can play with us, the insides of our hands are all the same color".
Children can be taught, children can learn.
I forgave and I have had to forgive acts of racist ignorance many times since, but like that little boy, I push past it.
146
It sickens me as a whites woman that this still happens in 2016.
30
I am white. I find this story of racial rejection of your small son heartbreaking and cruel. There's so much more to say and yet nothing more to say.
149
I can only think of one thing to say. Sorry
6
There are almost too many layers in your experiences and response to imagine as an outsider, non-minority, person, who is more likely to be invisible than to evoke a response based on appearance.
Yes, there has to be a correction made on the spot because your son is learning from every experience at this stage ( as is that little girl) - yet you must do it while subduing the emotions that come with both the insult - worse because it was so casually thrown out - and with responding appropriately.
Thank you for agonizing over it - and sharing the process.
Yes, there has to be a correction made on the spot because your son is learning from every experience at this stage ( as is that little girl) - yet you must do it while subduing the emotions that come with both the insult - worse because it was so casually thrown out - and with responding appropriately.
Thank you for agonizing over it - and sharing the process.
15