Other People’s Parenting: When (if Ever) to Interfere

This article assumes the person giving parenting advice is right in their perspective. In most cases the advice giver is basing their opinion on their particular parenting experience and doesn’t have enough background on the other parent’s / family situation or the child’s personality (which “might” not be the same as their own child’s). There are way too many factors that influence parenting choices for another parent to assume they know more than another. That is why those relationships usually end after “good” parenting advice (unsought) is given.

The NYTs, through Alan Schwarz, is happy to tell parents what fools they are, what terrible parenting they do, if they follow a medical specialist's diagnosis and treatment protocol and give their children stimulants to treat their kid's ADHD.
Why don't truth seeking institutions discuss what it's like having ADHD with adults who have it and know first hand the differences between efficacious treatment and the lack thereof? Wouldn't it be nice to hear from those who actually live with this disorder?

Great article. How about when a couple's parenting is causing their children to make your child feel bad about himself, because their child says things like, "you should go to church. I was talking to my Mom and she said we could take you..." and so fourth. How about that? I would say instances like that are cause to talk to someone about their parenting. And we did.

What I see missing from this article and the ensuing discussion is any sensitivity on the different goals of parenting. I'm not talking about clear-cut abuse. It's hard enough to have discussions on child-rearing issues when you share similar goals. But what do you do when you value kids being creatively free-wheeling and spirited versus someone who values obedience and conformity? What about a parent who values open communications from kids and one who believe that kids should speak only when spoken to? The list can go on. And the vision of abuse is often colored by these values, i.e. harsh words to a kid could be viewed as pushing for obedience or viewed as emotional abuse. As parents, we have much leeway to raise children as we see fit and according to our values.

Having said that, I can't stand the way modern, middle-income parents raise their "precious brats," so I keep my mouth shut. Junior can't ever put down the tablet? OK by me. You and hubby can't bear to leave your snowflakes with a sitter or a close relative? That's OK, we'll miss you at the event/activity. At 12, Susie Q cusses you out for not taking her & Cheryl to the mall? I may roll my eyes, but my lips will be sealed. I raised my offspring as I saw fit and am more than willing to let you do likewise. My only suggestion comes from Stephen Covey, "start with the end in mind" and have the courage to stand by your values (whatever they may be).

On point, perhaps somebody can offer some advice on my dilemma: I recently observed (through my home webcam security video) a neighbor's teenage son and his friend smoking pot through a bong on his patio, while his parents were away. Unfortunately, I am not on good terms with the neighbor and for all I know, they sanction this use; however, if it were my child, I would certainly want to know this was going on. I realize many people feel smoking pot is not a problem and will/should eventually be legalized, but the fact remains, it is illegal and can lead to heavier drug experimentation and use. Any suggestions?

My husband's niece was verbally abused by her step father for many years. Nobody, including my husband's sister (mother of the child) ever did anything about it. When he was yelling at her in front of me because of something that had made him mad, I finally told him to stop it. I told him to never behave that way to his stepdaughter in front of me again. He called his wife and complained to her and she called me and told me he had "permission" to discipline her. My husband's whole family turned against us because I was trying to stand up for that little girl. I hope she turns out ok (she's 17 now). Her step father is a jerk and I would do it again. No child should be abused in that way.

When you believe that a child is being abused, I would recommend that you first and always talk gently with the parents to get their side of the story. Many children have Reactive Attachment Disorder, caused by early disruptions in their relations with their first caregivers, leading the child to reject the love and the authority of the parent. Such kids often claim to be abused when they are not. They may, for example, throw away their lunch on the way to school and then claim that the parents are not feeding them. Traumatized children can also be violent towards parents, siblings, animals, etc. or destructive of property. In addition, their behavior is often radically different within the home, than what they show with other people. A lot of their energy can go into triangulating others against the parents. Talk to the parents, and if they tell you their child has RAD, believe them, and trust them to be doing appropriate parenting for their child. Therapeutic parenting methods may seem cruel and unusual to other people, but are the best way to help wounded children heal. For example, these children may need to be treated as younger than their chronological age. Therapeutic parenting also often involves withholding material privileges and normal childhood freedoms until these are earned. To the outsider some of these parenting methods may appear abusive. Do not assume! Talk to the parents. They need your support and understanding, not judgement.

as a child & teen, i was publicly humiliated by my parents, and was fair game for the rest of my family & their adult friends. I would have given anything to have someone stand up for me, no matter the consequences for them. it would have mattered to me. i have and will always defend a child from maltreatment and couldn't care less about their parent's feelings.

How about some advice for when the child/parental misbehavior affects you? I always want to have my brother and his kids over but generally don't because the children terrify my elderly pet rabbit, move my things around without asking, and break things. The last time I left, I found a pen rammed up my tube of toothpaste, pen marks on a wood table -- things like that that aren't mistakes. My brother thinks it is normal and cute, and the children understand no boundaries.

When I was growing up there was a girl on our town's swim team who was publicly and loudly berated by her father every time she lost a race -- at the end of most swim meets she just stood there sobbing as her father screamed at her. (This was a small town swim team, there was nothing but a blue ribbon at the championship swim meet to win; it was supposed to be a fun summer activity for kids.) As far as I remember, no adult ever said a thing to her father, even though literally hundreds of people witnessed his behavior. Now all us kids are middle age, and looking back, I wonder what kind of hell this girl went through because of this -- not to mention what might have been happening when the family was behind closed doors -- and also why no one pulled the father aside and questioned his behavior, which must have been scarring to say the least. Yes, people have to speak up when they see that a child is being harmed. Maybe the person on the receiving end will cut off the friendship, but in the end, who cares? At least the person spoke up and tried to protect the child. And if the parent who is harming their child ever takes a moment to reflect, just maybe they will think about it, and it will have been worth it.

A parent's advice to their adult children regarding their parenting is seldom appreciated, but never forgotten. The fallout can be disastrous. Best to model the behavior toward your grandchildren you'd like your adult children to exhibit and hope for the best. Parenting is a lifelong responsibility.

The couple whose son "got a better offer for spring break" might want to brace themselves for the future holidays/family events where they might expect/want his attendance. What they have taught him is likely only his feelings/wants matter. Civility, character, loyalty are learned in childhood by explanation and enforcement of principles. As for giving adult children parenting advice this option is fraught with danger and unhappily the person who most needs it is most likely least inclined to take it. But if you see what looks like abuse for the sake of any child [for abuse in private is always worse] do something. Call the hotline and share the situation anonymously at first or talk to local police, social services. Help the child.

Aren't the tone and words which we use to intervene relevant? I never discipline other people's children but if one of them is at my house doing some mischief, like banging or making holes in something, I laughingly remove the fork/problematic item from them WHILE tickling and using a goofy voice. I try to use the very lightest touch. I think in terms of brief encounters with other people's kids (ie visits from friends) the best attitude to adapt is indulgence (and count the seconds til you are out of their company).

I took my daughter (age 2) to a Little Angels choir practice in an American institution near us and was HORRIFIED by the behavior of the 4-8 yr olds present, banging on the piano while the teacher was trying to play, running around the gym/stage madly, screaming, lying on the floor. Everything except singing. All the parents were present, chatting pleasantly amongst themselves. I made a quiet, dry comment at the end to the teacher who called the kids "spirited." I left with my well-behaved two year old and my sleeping newborn and never returned. I wrote a blistering letter, to which the teacher responded, vaguely, and the pastor never responded. The kids' parents were probably big donors.

I parent in a unique way, as do all parents, but my bottom line, is to make sure my kids don't 1. hurt themselves 2. bother other people in any way. I try hard to be low-maintenance and invisible. These are not the same guidelines as other parents, I realize.

I think that, as is always the case with stressful or problematic conversations, we need to lay the foundations early on. Both my parents and my in-laws gave my husband and me unsolicited advice when our kids were little, and some of it was difficult to hear (in particular, both sets of grandparents picked up on our kids' special needs before we did). But because my husband and I had a lifetime of loving and trusting our parents, we were able to hear and--eventually--accept their advice without anger and defensiveness. So I would say that if you are very close to someone and want to give parenting advice, please be sure that you have that person's love and trust. And even then, please tread carefully and be patient, because we all know that our children are perfect and our choices are correct, and it takes us some time to think otherwise.

Bravo to the woman who stood up for that little girl who was being dragged by her hair wrapped around the handle of a shopping cart by her father. Shame on those who looked the other way or worse defend those who prey on the vulnerable. And no, they are not your property, but individuals who deserve respect. One can raise fine children without the use of force or humiliation. It's about time we raise our children in a loving, safe manner and help all at risk. I am bound by my profession to report suspected child abuse - imagine how many children could be saved if everyone else followed suit here...

Whether you are family or not, you have the right to speak out about bad behavior that impacts you. No parents should expect their friends or family to suffer silently. Children have to learn boundaries.

As for making suggestions that will evidently be heard as interference, you just cannot win. Too many parents are hypersensitive about any criticism, especially by inlaws. Parents are headed for trouble if they don't agree about how to raise their children because children are quick to learn how well divide and conquer work.

My parents emphasized how important it was to consider our impact on others, and that we were to treat anyone older than us with respect. We learned quickly, they tolerated no acting out. As we grew up, we realized that our restrained behavior meant that we got to go and do more things than other children. I am not saying we were saints, we certainly got into our fair share of trouble, but we certainly knew what was expected of us in public.

It is usually the people who are the most resistant to advice that need it the most.