"Good manners are mere mannerisms, the argument goes, which serve only to put barriers in the way of deeper connections." Very nicely put. Thank you KJ for being who you are and what you are. Introversion allows you to get hold of your inner feelings much more descriptively than some skin deep extroverts, as you clearly are showing in your article.
25
I long ago began to trim my stable of so-called friends to those in whose company I actually wanted to spend the time remaining to me. First, I threw out all those who simply didn't care about things I cared about, or who disagreed with my core beliefs. I no longer have any interest is proselytizing. Next I rejected those whose lifestyles I did not approve of, mostly a proccupation with drinking, eating and mindless chatter. Next, I declined to spend my available hours listening to people whose views I quite simply reject. Then, my wife divorced me. Finally, predators took my two cats. Now, I am truly alone but for the companionship of less than a handful of people with whom I discuss those things that matter to me. I'm pretty sure the aiuthor and I could be friends. So, once again, quality trumps quantity.
67
Just last night, I forced myself to attend a friend's party. The music blared in my ears and pounded in my chest. I smiled and pretended to hear what acquaintances around me were saying. I drank too much wine and ate too much junk. I stayed until I felt I could politely leave.
More and more I feel I must balance accommodating a friend with protecting myself and my time. Some people enjoy these events, and some don't. I clearly fall into the latter category and, as I get older, I'm feeling less inclined to apologize for it.
More and more I feel I must balance accommodating a friend with protecting myself and my time. Some people enjoy these events, and some don't. I clearly fall into the latter category and, as I get older, I'm feeling less inclined to apologize for it.
216
>>>>
"I suppressed word after word from my vocabulary. When the massacre was over, only one had escaped: Solitude. I awakened euphoric"
E. M. Cioran
"I suppressed word after word from my vocabulary. When the massacre was over, only one had escaped: Solitude. I awakened euphoric"
E. M. Cioran
38
If I were habitually late I don't think I'd go to an expert in time management to find out why. It's never a really good idea to pay someone to insult you.
28
Real life communication:
Extrovert's Text to introvert: " You should come to the party tomorrow. We need you to be there.
Introvert's Text Response: Thanks for the invitation, but won't be able to
attend. Have fun. Maybe you can fill me in over lunch next week if you are
free.
Extrovert's Text to introvert: " You should come to the party tomorrow. We need you to be there.
Introvert's Text Response: Thanks for the invitation, but won't be able to
attend. Have fun. Maybe you can fill me in over lunch next week if you are
free.
77
You make an incorrect assumption that frequent, boisterous,forced interactions as somehow inherently more healthy. This 'extroversion' has taken over society leading not to better balance but to the khardashians, people who crave external validation for every picture, video, and social like they can possibility achieve. It is now pathological and damaging. In fact, a bit more balance would be just fine.
163
"I am you disguised as me." We are both introverts and extroverts. We just lean one way or the other on the scale. Sometimes we can find ourselves being the opposite of where we actually fall on the scale. "What we are we can only be, what we are not, we can become." a quote from Nisargadatta Maharaj
28
The angst expressed in the article is so typical of Midwesterners and their need to be "nice." It would have been helpful if the author noted her Midwestern upbringing, since I doubt few native New Yorkers are struggling with similar guilt.
60
Introversion sometimes incapacitates a person and the pain of loneliness is not enough to overcome what others view as a failing. Whom am i hurting when i prefer the company of the NY Times or A. Proulx to some extrovert, close talker like the Donald?
43
If you are a Highly Sensitive Person, you were born overstimulated. There are books about this. Being late is a different thing. Highly Sensitive People are often exceedingly polite and considerate of others, and they would not want to make other people wait for them or inconvenience them in any way. But being around other people for very long wears them out.
110
A wonderful, thoughtful contribution for those of us who know we are not extroverted need to read.
Being not extroverted does not have to mean isolated.
Very well done.
Being not extroverted does not have to mean isolated.
Very well done.
37
If introverts are rude and selfish, as you suggest, and need to be more outgoing, then extroverts are obnoxious, loud, and boorish. I wish they would come to the conclusion that they are somehow rude and and selfish.
I am an introvert and I don't go to parties, because it is difficult for me to come up with even small talk.
Please don't put yourself down, or try to be something you are not.
I am an introvert and I don't go to parties, because it is difficult for me to come up with even small talk.
Please don't put yourself down, or try to be something you are not.
122
Their not the same thing.
If you don't like parties and don't approach people you don't know or are uncomfortable with - your an introvert.
If you ignore or are short with people who approach you - your just being rude.
If you don't like parties and don't approach people you don't know or are uncomfortable with - your an introvert.
If you ignore or are short with people who approach you - your just being rude.
62
Imagine if someone rented a venue for an 'Introverts MeetUp'. Would the host be the only one present?
9
Yes, those selfish introverts, preferring to read a book rather than contribute mightily to society by showing up at the office Christmas party or the school pep rally.
Though it saddens me to have to make such an obvious observation, people engage with, and contribute to, the world in different ways. People who prefer solitude or the company of a few close friends may just be living and contributing in the way that best fits their skills and personality. That doesn't mean that they're selfish, or don't value human connections, or are trying to flip everybody the bird.
What is really rude and unproductive is to expect everyone to live the way you live, and to pass moral judgment on them if they don't. Sure, some introverts could stand to talk to a stranger once in a while, just like some extroverts could stand to chill out and read a book once in a while. But trying to be someone you're not will only make you miserable -- and that misery and frustration will eventually spread to the people around you.
Recognizing that reality doesn't mean that "we care more about ourselves than about the needs of others." I would say instead that the best way to meet your obligations to the people who love and need you is to be true to yourself, and allow them to be true to themselves.
Though it saddens me to have to make such an obvious observation, people engage with, and contribute to, the world in different ways. People who prefer solitude or the company of a few close friends may just be living and contributing in the way that best fits their skills and personality. That doesn't mean that they're selfish, or don't value human connections, or are trying to flip everybody the bird.
What is really rude and unproductive is to expect everyone to live the way you live, and to pass moral judgment on them if they don't. Sure, some introverts could stand to talk to a stranger once in a while, just like some extroverts could stand to chill out and read a book once in a while. But trying to be someone you're not will only make you miserable -- and that misery and frustration will eventually spread to the people around you.
Recognizing that reality doesn't mean that "we care more about ourselves than about the needs of others." I would say instead that the best way to meet your obligations to the people who love and need you is to be true to yourself, and allow them to be true to themselves.
65
Wow, don't be so hard on yourself. If you don't like parties, you don't like parties. It's not so bad to skip them. Exceptions would be big events in loved one's lives, go to those. Maybe seek out a fellow introvert that shares your interests to hang out with.
30
"Still waters run deep."
16
I might be completely wrong, but I think there is a sexist component to the acceptability of introversion vs. extroversion. Women are "supposed" to be polite and put the needs of darn near everyone in the world before our own needs lest we be labeled "rude" or "selfish" or "aloof." If we don't, if we need time to recharge, we feel guilty and are told that "there is something wrong with us." I suspect that men can get away with needing solitude a lot more than women can. I mean, who ever heard of a "woman-cave?" And men aren't labeled "rude" or "selfish" or "aloof" for doing so. They're just being the people that they are. I look forward to the day when women can just be the people that we are without our being made to feel guilty or adjudged as defective.
96
Introversion and inclinations towards being anti-social (avoiding parties, group gatherings, meetings, etc.) are not the same. Introversion/extroversion is about how you re-charge and when you feel most stimulated. Introverts feel stimulated alone or in one-on-one settings while extroverts take their energy from larger groups of people. Therefore it is entirely possible to be an introvert who enjoys large parties for some element they provide, even if it can be a energy-draining experience. As the author correctly points out, her behavior was not about respecting her introversion but about the fact that she finds large gathering awkward. In fact, you can be an introvert and find large gatherings quite fun and enjoyable -- until a certain point, or perhaps then requiring solo time afterwards, as mentioned. This is being a social introvert.
For introverts who do get anxious at the thought of large gatherings (like myself), It is worth introverts remembering too that going to a large party doesn't mean having to speak with everyone. It can mean finding one or two individuals with whom you can have sustained and interesting conversation. If you go to a party hoping for that, chances are someone else like you is there who will be receptive to that approach because not every single party-goer will be an extrovert.
For introverts who do get anxious at the thought of large gatherings (like myself), It is worth introverts remembering too that going to a large party doesn't mean having to speak with everyone. It can mean finding one or two individuals with whom you can have sustained and interesting conversation. If you go to a party hoping for that, chances are someone else like you is there who will be receptive to that approach because not every single party-goer will be an extrovert.
30
I don't see a problem with choosing not to attend a social event or events, but when you attend it's rude to show up late or hide in the corner.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it doesn't seem too complicated.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it doesn't seem too complicated.
30
The things people are concerned about! So you are not like your cousin who everyone immediately takes a shine to. Embrace your differentness. Do what people of similar makeup have successfully done for ages. Put a benign expression on your face, relax your limbs, and observe. On occasion you may find someone you enjoy chatting with. When you have put in a decent time nodding and smiling and responding as necessary, thank your host graciously and reward yourself with your drive home.
18
I've been a social recluse, urban hermit, I think since four or forty prior lifetimes - human spectrum, nothing more, worrisome for the first few decades but by age 40 you should know who you are, and your friends should know also
=
The notion that distance is rude, is bizarre, I doubt the people who do not see at gatherings notice your absence,
And I explain, '"I get people'd out" or add " quicker than other people" but that is hardly necessary the first version is enough
Not a hard concept, "people'd out"
=
As to the chronic late-comer, except when the plane won't wait, we have those also, NO self-awareness
Being late, if it makes others wait, is rude; if you are doing a group thing, so you should be on time or not at all,
Or you are out of control, 'just a girl who can't say no,' to borrow and older phrase, one you probably can't use today: be timely or just say no (oops sounds like Nancy Reagan), or at least try to figure out why
=
The notion that distance is rude, is bizarre, I doubt the people who do not see at gatherings notice your absence,
And I explain, '"I get people'd out" or add " quicker than other people" but that is hardly necessary the first version is enough
Not a hard concept, "people'd out"
=
As to the chronic late-comer, except when the plane won't wait, we have those also, NO self-awareness
Being late, if it makes others wait, is rude; if you are doing a group thing, so you should be on time or not at all,
Or you are out of control, 'just a girl who can't say no,' to borrow and older phrase, one you probably can't use today: be timely or just say no (oops sounds like Nancy Reagan), or at least try to figure out why
14
Emily Dickinson was an introvert.
23
A very thought provoking column and I thank you for sharing your experience. I am an extrovert but find I need to be alone more often with age and in times of difficulty. This does not mean my inclinations are good for me, however. The trick is to figure out a way to stretch yourself in a way that involves less discomfort. What if you held a small cocktail or dinner party, say 3-5 friends or asked a new interesting person (couple) over to eat? In Europe, parties are often small, intimate gatherings and the discussions among a few bright sparks can be magical. With age, I see the importance of making new friends (and younger ones) being highlighted again and again. Relationships are as important as food and water to health. Don't run out before you leave.
43
There is a big difference between being habitually late for one's commitments, which is rude, and politely declining an unimportant social event, which is not.
140
Rude? Are you serious? Since when does avoiding unpleasant encounters maker someone rude?
I don't accept the basic premise that if someone does not go to a party with people they have little to nothing in common with, they are rude.
People I worked with were a mandatory situation. I think I handled it well enough. Now that I'm retired, the fact that we had nothing in common beyond the job became clear almost immediately. I have stayed in touch with one person out of the lot of them.
I am a big boy and I get to pick and choose what I do and with whom I do it. If exercising that right makes me rude, so be it.
I don't accept the basic premise that if someone does not go to a party with people they have little to nothing in common with, they are rude.
People I worked with were a mandatory situation. I think I handled it well enough. Now that I'm retired, the fact that we had nothing in common beyond the job became clear almost immediately. I have stayed in touch with one person out of the lot of them.
I am a big boy and I get to pick and choose what I do and with whom I do it. If exercising that right makes me rude, so be it.
125
Extroverts charge their batteries being with other people, introverts charge theirs by spending time alone. If battery-charging and taking care of ourselves is selfish, then I'm guilty. In the continuum of extremes, I'm somewhere near the middle but tilt toward introversion, opting often to retreat to save energy and recharge. No doubt it may come off as rude, aloof and/or selfish at times, but for me it is also a sign of maturity; I can't really help or be of service at work or in the world if I'm run down and depleted. That said, when life presents an opportunity to engage and help, it's not always convenient to do so. I'm always inspired by those who have little and yet are so generous in helping and giving to others, regardless whether they are outgoing or not.
8
I moved into an independent living facility in June. Is it "selfish" of me not to show up for Bingo? I don't think so. That's what this article seems to be saying, and it's absurd.
25
A fellow introvert, I find the umbrage taken with this essay bizzare. Surely many bristling at the notion (present nowhere in the writing!) that being an introvert is "wrong" passed over the actual point, which is that your preferences are fine but always following their lead can be harmful.
It's like exercise: if you don't naturally enjoy physical exertion, of course it's fine to turn down a request to play racquetball or to plan a weekend around books and what's streaming. But you will be better off if, on occasion, you rouse yourself to do it anyway and go for a jog or a bike ride or a game of pick-up basketball (or to that party or group dinner or concert). The author is taking the far-from-controversial position that -- gasp! -- moderation is key.
What is there to be so worked up over?
It's like exercise: if you don't naturally enjoy physical exertion, of course it's fine to turn down a request to play racquetball or to plan a weekend around books and what's streaming. But you will be better off if, on occasion, you rouse yourself to do it anyway and go for a jog or a bike ride or a game of pick-up basketball (or to that party or group dinner or concert). The author is taking the far-from-controversial position that -- gasp! -- moderation is key.
What is there to be so worked up over?
16
I want that shirt. First of all, people who enjoy parties and other social mob-happenings should know that some of us don't. Nothing personal, but most of us prefer to avoid pain and discomfort when possible. Daily life can be painful and uncomfortable enough as it is. Don't get me wrong: It's kind of you to invite us, but, really, if you know us at all then you know we don't want to actually be there. We'd rather get that colonoscopy we've been putting off. (Well, they're practically the same thing.)
Second, for those who are chronically late: You don't need the t-shirt because your actions make that message loud and clear. Yes, you always have a good excuse. But the real one is simply that you'd rather be doing something else. And that's fine, but you really should just say so up-front. "Hey, want to meet for dinner?" "No, I'd rather floss." Message received.
Second, for those who are chronically late: You don't need the t-shirt because your actions make that message loud and clear. Yes, you always have a good excuse. But the real one is simply that you'd rather be doing something else. And that's fine, but you really should just say so up-front. "Hey, want to meet for dinner?" "No, I'd rather floss." Message received.
11
What?
I don't get this article. If you are an introvert, if you have come to this realization; then you know who you are. And you know you live in a world dominated by extroverts. And a certain aspect of your behaviour will always be unintelligible to the greater society. Sometimes maybe even interpreted as rude. So it goes.
I'm a full-on introvert from my teenaged days. And indeed it took some real time to figure that out, to accept how I was different from the bulk of society. But whether it is consider a weakness or a strength - and it has both aspects - it is how I am.
I have a small circle of close friends - and they are all extroverts - but I see any one of them maybe once every 3 months, 6 months, 1 or 2 years or more. And that works great for me. And our friendships prosper. They understand any 'rudeness' I may exhibit. We all have our funny flaws.
And I'm not some shut-in. I work for a living, and am happily successful. So much so, that I near-never go to meetings. If there is something I need to know, someone will come by and tell me, and I'll give any appropriate feedback. Takes about five minutes.
Meetings, it's a ritual extrovert society revels in. I don't hold it against them.
I don't get this article. If you are an introvert, if you have come to this realization; then you know who you are. And you know you live in a world dominated by extroverts. And a certain aspect of your behaviour will always be unintelligible to the greater society. Sometimes maybe even interpreted as rude. So it goes.
I'm a full-on introvert from my teenaged days. And indeed it took some real time to figure that out, to accept how I was different from the bulk of society. But whether it is consider a weakness or a strength - and it has both aspects - it is how I am.
I have a small circle of close friends - and they are all extroverts - but I see any one of them maybe once every 3 months, 6 months, 1 or 2 years or more. And that works great for me. And our friendships prosper. They understand any 'rudeness' I may exhibit. We all have our funny flaws.
And I'm not some shut-in. I work for a living, and am happily successful. So much so, that I near-never go to meetings. If there is something I need to know, someone will come by and tell me, and I'll give any appropriate feedback. Takes about five minutes.
Meetings, it's a ritual extrovert society revels in. I don't hold it against them.
20
Your attempt to shame introverts for their desire to be alone is definitely rude.
54
What a strange column.
I'm relatively introverted & easily overstimulated. I spent Saturday at the National Book Festival D.C. Convention Center. Events were scheduled from 10 am to 10 pm. It was mobbed but seemed especially so since many thousands came over following the dedication of the National Museum of African American History & Culture.
Eventually I felt overwhelmed by the crowds & the effort to engage strangers in conversations. People were nice but I got sick of it.
I waited in a long line w/ a hundred other women to enter a tiny public bathroom. A grandmother appeared w/ a beautiful 5 month old in a stroller, holding her so others could enjoy her. Many discussed the beautiful baby, who eventually began crying, loudly & w/ growing distress. I was disengaged, just listening to their conviviality. After about 7 minutes I'd inched to the head of the line & asked grandmother if she wanted to cut ahead of me, as the baby wailed. "Oh yes, thank you!" About 20 other women had ignored their opportunity to offer to allow her to cut the line. Was I really the only one who noticed how tired she was - & her tiny howling granddaughter? I was amazed by their thoughtlessness.
You can be tired of engaging w/ people but still be aware of them. You chose whether to be oblivious. Human interaction isn't the same thing as social work.
You're stuck with being introverted but not stuck with being self-involved. Being introverted isn't the same thing as being a jerk.
I'm relatively introverted & easily overstimulated. I spent Saturday at the National Book Festival D.C. Convention Center. Events were scheduled from 10 am to 10 pm. It was mobbed but seemed especially so since many thousands came over following the dedication of the National Museum of African American History & Culture.
Eventually I felt overwhelmed by the crowds & the effort to engage strangers in conversations. People were nice but I got sick of it.
I waited in a long line w/ a hundred other women to enter a tiny public bathroom. A grandmother appeared w/ a beautiful 5 month old in a stroller, holding her so others could enjoy her. Many discussed the beautiful baby, who eventually began crying, loudly & w/ growing distress. I was disengaged, just listening to their conviviality. After about 7 minutes I'd inched to the head of the line & asked grandmother if she wanted to cut ahead of me, as the baby wailed. "Oh yes, thank you!" About 20 other women had ignored their opportunity to offer to allow her to cut the line. Was I really the only one who noticed how tired she was - & her tiny howling granddaughter? I was amazed by their thoughtlessness.
You can be tired of engaging w/ people but still be aware of them. You chose whether to be oblivious. Human interaction isn't the same thing as social work.
You're stuck with being introverted but not stuck with being self-involved. Being introverted isn't the same thing as being a jerk.
39
This is a thoughtful article. As a mother of four and an introvert, I have suffered through many, many parents' gatherings, class picnics and Christmas parties. I went and I did my best to be friendly for my children's sake. Following our own inclinations is not always the right thing to do, sometimes it is downright selfish.
6
I am an introvert with a deep fear of social gatherings and ordinary meetings. I am also desperately polite. I have spent decades pretending to cope with what are trivial, but to me, exhausting social challenges. Most introverts go out of their way not to seem rude, and waste years of their lives pretending to be genial. This article adds to the burden of self-consciousness with which we are afflicted.
40
I'm not comfortable with forced conformity, especially with the many "required" social events and interactions at my office organized by people who seem uncomfortable allowing the rest of us a little freedom. Do we all need to think and act alike? The people I'm concerned about are the rude and insensitive ones who show up regularly -- not those who stay away.
17
A friend told me a story about attending a charity event several years ago which Bob Dylan attended as a human inducement to encourage people to contribute $ because he was disengaged but visible to others in attendance. According to my friend, Dylan became so exhausted/overwhelmed by others that the charity's director eventually took him by the hand & led him away backstage so he could stand by himself & watch Chuck Berry perform. Dylan reportedly thanked the director for rescuing him, adding "I love Chuck Berry."
I'd like to personally thank Bob Dylan, who 'seems' to have spent a great deal of his life overwhelmed w/ social anxiety & a need to be left alone as much as possible, for his enormous contribution to society. Who knows whether it's genetic or being burdened with international fame that caused this? Either way, he doesn't appear to want to engage with strangers except from a stage.
Yet consider what his presence has meant in the world of music - who's given us more pleasure or insightful work, ideas to chew on, music to dance to? Plenty of people who need to be left alone contribute enormously to our lives in ways that have nothing to do with greasing the wheels of social interaction.
This seems like such a stupid thing to judge people about - & even somewhat bullying.
Now excuse me while I slip away....
I'd like to personally thank Bob Dylan, who 'seems' to have spent a great deal of his life overwhelmed w/ social anxiety & a need to be left alone as much as possible, for his enormous contribution to society. Who knows whether it's genetic or being burdened with international fame that caused this? Either way, he doesn't appear to want to engage with strangers except from a stage.
Yet consider what his presence has meant in the world of music - who's given us more pleasure or insightful work, ideas to chew on, music to dance to? Plenty of people who need to be left alone contribute enormously to our lives in ways that have nothing to do with greasing the wheels of social interaction.
This seems like such a stupid thing to judge people about - & even somewhat bullying.
Now excuse me while I slip away....
27
During office hours I’m very talkative and active. My colleagues think that I’m extroverted. But I like reading papers and books in my private time rather participating in drinking parties. Quiet hours give me energy for tomorrow’s work which needs extrovert attitudes.
31
Please don't talk for all introverts. Maybe, you are just a rude and selfish person and that's OK but don't blame introverts for that.
37
Oh, give me a break! I married into a family of introverts, and after ten years of being around them I've realized that they learned long ago that superficial interactions with other humans is disappointing, boring, riddled with stupidity, and overrated. I actually became more introverted when I saw the light! They aren't rude. In fact, all of them are heavily involved in charities either as careers or volunteer work. To a great extent, social interaction is nothing but a waste of time, or a way to "network" for one's own gain. To not have to do that, or be aware of the vapid nature of it all, is a wealth few will ever know.
56
Ms. Dell’Antonia, as introverted people may or may not do, ignores the level of demand to interact and attend parties coming from family and society. Going to a family gathering twice a year is reasonable for one introverted person I know, but once a month is too much.
So if the expected attendance is twice a month, and there's pressure to attend, who's being rude? The introverted person, or those around him?
So if the expected attendance is twice a month, and there's pressure to attend, who's being rude? The introverted person, or those around him?
14
I have always been comfortable drawing the line to allow my introverted self to be able to recharge and do those things I needed to in order to keep my own sense of wholeness. The challenge is how to communicate this concept to others in manner that was not perceived as offensive or arrogant.
A couple of decades ago I coined the phrase; "I am having some Garbo time at the moment." I found it the successful, engaging and non-offensive statement that others would and could understand -- and not feel put out.
A couple of decades ago I coined the phrase; "I am having some Garbo time at the moment." I found it the successful, engaging and non-offensive statement that others would and could understand -- and not feel put out.
6
I'll show up at the party, but you will likely find me playing with the resident dog.
44
The author conflates the merely anti-social with the socially inept. That's too easy, and too slick. Introversion exists on a scale. Intention is what differentiates condemnable rudeness from blameless inhibition.
The party invitee who makes excuses not to come, does not show up after being pressured to accept, or skips out early, is not being rude if she does so because she suffers from severe social anxiety. She is not acting selfishly when she cannot muster the courage to engage a stranger in conversation. She is simply afraid. Often that shy person would love to be a social butterfly, if she could. Conversely, the person who chooses a book over a party because he considers chat to be shallow and people tiresome, or who shuns strangers because he feels they aren't worth knowing, is indeed rude, arrogant and selfish in motivation. He places himself above others. He acts to please himself.
I am introverted by nature, and used to be painfully shy. I dislike cocktail parties because I find it difficult to maneuver through the room. I don't have that skill set. There is nothing selfish in avoiding something that causes emotional turmoil, embarrassment, and pain. But I am also that person who seeks out the abandoned elderly person at the wedding, and engages her in conversation so she won't feel alone. I talk to strangers, especially those who project a need for human interaction. That is called kindness. It does not indicate good or poor manners, but a capacity for empathy.
The party invitee who makes excuses not to come, does not show up after being pressured to accept, or skips out early, is not being rude if she does so because she suffers from severe social anxiety. She is not acting selfishly when she cannot muster the courage to engage a stranger in conversation. She is simply afraid. Often that shy person would love to be a social butterfly, if she could. Conversely, the person who chooses a book over a party because he considers chat to be shallow and people tiresome, or who shuns strangers because he feels they aren't worth knowing, is indeed rude, arrogant and selfish in motivation. He places himself above others. He acts to please himself.
I am introverted by nature, and used to be painfully shy. I dislike cocktail parties because I find it difficult to maneuver through the room. I don't have that skill set. There is nothing selfish in avoiding something that causes emotional turmoil, embarrassment, and pain. But I am also that person who seeks out the abandoned elderly person at the wedding, and engages her in conversation so she won't feel alone. I talk to strangers, especially those who project a need for human interaction. That is called kindness. It does not indicate good or poor manners, but a capacity for empathy.
35
For an introvert to pass on going to a gathering is only seen as rude by extroverts who are deprived of an audience for their bluster.
53
I've gradually become less and less introverted as I've grown older because I have had more experiences -- parenthood, travel, home ownership, and New York Times articles I have read -- that I share with and can discuss with others. To add to the comment on Aristotle, it is precisely because I never know with whom I'll share the idea of the Good, that I try meet new people.
14
This is really more about keeping balance. Extroverts enjoy social interaction and if one expects to have a relationship with an extrovert, one will have to provide some degree of social interaction. Likewise, introverts enjoy alone time and if one expects to have a relationship with an introvert, they'll need to give them the space to be on their own. Without each person making an effort to meet the others' needs to some degree, there is no relationship. Without being open and honest about these needs, there won't be one either. Sadly, too few people are open and honest about these things, and the afterthought: "well now I'm upset because things didn't go as I wanted," is really more akin to self-pity when you didn't communicate your needs. People are not mind-readers, so you need to talk to them. It might not be the most seamless, smooth way to relate -- spelling things out -- but it's the only way to actually resolve conflict or to make sure you're each being fulfilled. -- I'd say it's common sense, but it's just not that common.
3
Who says that these strangers NEED us? Usually they just ignore us.
12
This is interesting. I grew up thinking that I was an introvert, but as I get older, I do think that it's a choice rather than my ability/inability to mingle with everyone. I find it more interesting to connect with people I have genuine interests in. I find it exhausting to listen to someone talking about things I am not interested in. So, I guess there is definitely some selfishness in my decision - I treasure my time and ability to connect with people. My attention or time is not infinite so I am cautious of it being burned up too quick.
4
It is important to distinguish the need to re-charge one's batteries with down time, and being being completely absent in the moment.
We see "introversion" on the streets daily, where people are so invested in a 4" screen, that they fail to see life going on before their very eyes, including sunsets, beautiful cloud formations, and the tender look a mother bestows on her baby. If introversion means withdrawal, then we are already there. And yet, at the same time, OUTWARD hostility towards others, both online and in the "real" world, has increased enormously, with invectives spoken and written, and rarely seen 20 years ago.
Quietness and friendliness are not mutually exclusive behaviors, and yet, rudeness is the order of the day. Sociability is not simply being outgoing: it is a way of recognizing that others exist and have importance. Love does not increase in isolation, it diminishes. It is nourished by interaction, acknowledgement, encouragement, goodwill and positive action to create good feelings in and about ourselves vis a vis others. Quiet thinking and quiet existence do not prevent one from practicing these behaviors and enriching our own lives.
Diana Ross, an extrovert par excellence, proclaimed, as character Tracey Chambers, in her 1975 movie, 'Mahogany', "If you're only FOR yourself, you're gonna be BY yourself."
Introvert or self-absorbed? That is the question.
We see "introversion" on the streets daily, where people are so invested in a 4" screen, that they fail to see life going on before their very eyes, including sunsets, beautiful cloud formations, and the tender look a mother bestows on her baby. If introversion means withdrawal, then we are already there. And yet, at the same time, OUTWARD hostility towards others, both online and in the "real" world, has increased enormously, with invectives spoken and written, and rarely seen 20 years ago.
Quietness and friendliness are not mutually exclusive behaviors, and yet, rudeness is the order of the day. Sociability is not simply being outgoing: it is a way of recognizing that others exist and have importance. Love does not increase in isolation, it diminishes. It is nourished by interaction, acknowledgement, encouragement, goodwill and positive action to create good feelings in and about ourselves vis a vis others. Quiet thinking and quiet existence do not prevent one from practicing these behaviors and enriching our own lives.
Diana Ross, an extrovert par excellence, proclaimed, as character Tracey Chambers, in her 1975 movie, 'Mahogany', "If you're only FOR yourself, you're gonna be BY yourself."
Introvert or self-absorbed? That is the question.
4
What a bizarre essay. First, many many introverts don’t sit at home in their pjs all day. They (we) tend to prioritize the smaller gathering, or the tete-a-tete, over the “big gatherings of strangers.” And I don’t understand why not going to said big gatherings would be rude. First, most big gatherings that I have attended minimize meaningful social interactions; everybody chats with everybody else for like five minutes and then moves on. Why would not showing up to shout at someone over the music be considered rude? And did the writer ever consider that so much of that psychological research into socializing and happiness might not itself reflect our society’s ongoing bias in favor of extroversion?
Finally, I found the essay offensive. Being introverted is not like being late. I can “fix” my tardiness – did so, in fact. But my introversion cannot be fixed – if only I could just try a little harder and be a little nicer. Seriously? That’s the kind of dismissive attitude that I have spent fifty years parrying. Being introverted is not being antisocial – it’s quite possible to be introverted, to socialize infrequently, and to pay attention to the world, have friends, talk to strangers, give to charity, etc. I for one am not convinced that in order to be less at the mercy of my own nature I should become more at the mercy of the natures of others.
Finally, I found the essay offensive. Being introverted is not like being late. I can “fix” my tardiness – did so, in fact. But my introversion cannot be fixed – if only I could just try a little harder and be a little nicer. Seriously? That’s the kind of dismissive attitude that I have spent fifty years parrying. Being introverted is not being antisocial – it’s quite possible to be introverted, to socialize infrequently, and to pay attention to the world, have friends, talk to strangers, give to charity, etc. I for one am not convinced that in order to be less at the mercy of my own nature I should become more at the mercy of the natures of others.
26
Perhaps the author is not as liberated as they may think. Punctuality is hardly limited to extroverts nor is it a necessary failing of introverts. Large rowdy events are not the only place to extend oneself, or meet others with different opinions. You can find a variety of opinions in small groups, in online venues, even in that co-worker you nod to everyday. Yep, brief chats at parties can be illuminating, but so can deep conversations with someone you think you know well. It's about people not venue. Extending yourself doesn't mean choosing a way you hate. No bonus points for making yourself miserable in the process. Stay a bit longer at the table with that person you maybe liked and actually care about what they say. Or arrange a lunch for when you've recharged and are ready to participate and enjoy it.
I think the author is conflating sincerity and politeness. Maybe too much of our behavior is governed by rote actions and perceived obligations, with little sincerity behind them, but often fake smiles galore. I prefer honesty to inauthenticity, and I think many of us intro or extroverts are happier giving and receiving the former. I also find that being selfish at times means that when I do give, I give by choice, without reservation, and with a real smile. I say what I mean and rarely impolitely. Plus, when I do say yes, it's because I want to, and not only do I get there on time, I enjoy it, and I'd guess having a real smile makes it better for everyone else as well.
I think the author is conflating sincerity and politeness. Maybe too much of our behavior is governed by rote actions and perceived obligations, with little sincerity behind them, but often fake smiles galore. I prefer honesty to inauthenticity, and I think many of us intro or extroverts are happier giving and receiving the former. I also find that being selfish at times means that when I do give, I give by choice, without reservation, and with a real smile. I say what I mean and rarely impolitely. Plus, when I do say yes, it's because I want to, and not only do I get there on time, I enjoy it, and I'd guess having a real smile makes it better for everyone else as well.
14
I liked this article because it reminded me of so many times I have wanted to be alone, and then felt guilty whether I denied myself the need to be alone or whether I shut others out. One interpretation of the article (granted not the author's) is that the introvert cannot win. Indeed, I just had a fun evening with friends who then invited themselves up to my apartment for coffee, and I could not wait for them to leave. They kept saying "One more song," and then sang another. The introvert gets trapped in friendship. I just have to remember the fun we had earlier at the restaurant and in the park. I relax now and write odd thoughts for the New York Times, all by my non-lonesome.
The bigger problem with me as an introvert is intimacy. All my life women have insisted that I talk with them, and especially listen to them. even at the times I need to be alone. "Can't we talk some other time?" It's not that I cannot share and listen. It's that I can do so well only when my mind is ready for dealing with that outside world. [I'm not talking about emergencies - I can respond well in emergencies]. Well, you can imagine that women have consistently told me I must not love them if I cannot be with them across all my moods. Frankly, they get mad as hell. The challenge has been to find a woman who enjoys intermittent intimacy, whereby I can prepare alone and savor after the fact, alone.
The bigger problem with me as an introvert is intimacy. All my life women have insisted that I talk with them, and especially listen to them. even at the times I need to be alone. "Can't we talk some other time?" It's not that I cannot share and listen. It's that I can do so well only when my mind is ready for dealing with that outside world. [I'm not talking about emergencies - I can respond well in emergencies]. Well, you can imagine that women have consistently told me I must not love them if I cannot be with them across all my moods. Frankly, they get mad as hell. The challenge has been to find a woman who enjoys intermittent intimacy, whereby I can prepare alone and savor after the fact, alone.
9
As a rude introvert, it sure is enjoyable doing exactly what I please when I do not want to interact with you.
14
I spent most of my life putting others' social "needs" over my own, only to finally realize few of them returned the consideration. The things I enjoyed were done alone. A few years ago I determined to claim my life as my own. I still do most activities alone, but haven't watched a dumb movie, sat through an insufferably boring speaker, or gotten a massive headache from the stress of trying to make small talk with strangers in an enclosed environment since making that decision. I wouldn't ask people to do things they don't enjoy on my account, and feel no obligation myself.
There's a big difference between people's needs and their wants.
There's a big difference between people's needs and their wants.
16
I do not think the writer is a strong introvert. I tend to straddle the introvert/extrovert line -- but always land on the introvert side. People do exhaust me - and I hate loud noises and big crowds. That said, I also understand that some people (i.e. extroverts) can find that rude. Having been raised by a socially-conscious extrovert, I learned those lessons well. For a true dyed-in-the-wool introvert, however, I do not think it is a matter of rudeness. And, they should be allowed their solitude.
20
Was being an introvert such a problem 200 years ago? Or 300 years ago? I don't think so. There are many introvert protagonists in world literature that are at peace with this part of them.
Society today ascribes so much importance to the individual's appearance and manners, as opposed to her/his character and nature, that it become a flaw not to be outgoing, assertive, well-dressed, talkative.
It's a burden for everyone, only more so for introverts.
onourselvesandothers.com
Society today ascribes so much importance to the individual's appearance and manners, as opposed to her/his character and nature, that it become a flaw not to be outgoing, assertive, well-dressed, talkative.
It's a burden for everyone, only more so for introverts.
onourselvesandothers.com
10
I'm an introvert and while I don't relish small talk, I agree it's good to stretch and make contact with the extroverts of the world. Living in your head too much makes for a lot of echo.
The good news is, they usually do most of the talking, so I can just listen! :)
The good news is, they usually do most of the talking, so I can just listen! :)
11
Pretty sure the word is "self-absorbed." It's not rude, its not introverted. It's just a personality type. Deal.
5
Sounds like a lot, if not most, guys.
2
Yes, we need to observe manner; we should always act civil. Yet, much of the norms guiding our daily lives have been driven largely by extroverts. While introverts have long learned to adapt, that doesn't mean introverts' natural tendency to avoid public gatherings or small talks in parties are "rude." As for expanding our horizon, or stretching ourselves, there are many avenues by which we can accomplish those goals, without necessarily involving other human beings.
12
Brilliant article, resonates true for me.
As a doctor, I am forced, repeatedly, to put myself out there and interact with strangers. I see this as an unexpected fringe benefit of my profession since left to my own devices I would be perfectly content with keeping my contacts limited. While putting myself out there has gotten alot easier, it's obvious to me that it is absolutely natural for others in a way it will never be for me. After 20 years in practice, I still have to give myself a little internal pep talk every time I meet someone new. While this sounds like torture and sometimes feels like it, I have no doubt that it has made me a better person with a much broader appreciation of the diversity of humankind. Even introverts can't escape the fact that meaning in life is dependent on human connection.
As a doctor, I am forced, repeatedly, to put myself out there and interact with strangers. I see this as an unexpected fringe benefit of my profession since left to my own devices I would be perfectly content with keeping my contacts limited. While putting myself out there has gotten alot easier, it's obvious to me that it is absolutely natural for others in a way it will never be for me. After 20 years in practice, I still have to give myself a little internal pep talk every time I meet someone new. While this sounds like torture and sometimes feels like it, I have no doubt that it has made me a better person with a much broader appreciation of the diversity of humankind. Even introverts can't escape the fact that meaning in life is dependent on human connection.
81
That one of those commenting on this article used Bill Gates as an example of an "introvert" reaffirms my thought that the author has failed to consider the possibility that she is neither rude nor merely introverted, but instead claims a spot on the broad and diverse autism spectrum. One in 68 of us finds a home there. The autism community has long claimed Bill Gates as one of its own.
My gifted son on the spectrum is working toward a Master's degree but finds social gatherings painful. He can mimic neurotypical social behavior for a while, but then you can almost see the "social" switch flip off: he has exhausted his capacity for socialisation and for people. He will quietly disappear into an empty room to happily read the book or Kindle that he always has with him.
My gifted son on the spectrum is working toward a Master's degree but finds social gatherings painful. He can mimic neurotypical social behavior for a while, but then you can almost see the "social" switch flip off: he has exhausted his capacity for socialisation and for people. He will quietly disappear into an empty room to happily read the book or Kindle that he always has with him.
1
I was afraid of having children when i was happily indulging my introversion - now that her light has entered the world, I acknowledge I'm just as selfish and self-centered as I've always been - I just have less time for it. I suspect life in the end will be the same way; it was always about others.
1
Where can I get the t-shirt?
To the author - Why should introverts be considered rude when we don't agree with an extroverts idea of a gathering? The issue is that some people have, which may include introverts, who have attempted the forced small talk situations time and time again, with the same draining and non-productive results. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results. It may be not so much that you're introverted, nor rude! But you're hungry for a different experience. We cross social and economic barriers not by meeting the same aged parent at a hockey game, rather its the experiences we need to attempt that we would have never thought of trying. That's when cross barriers by seeing others' perspectives that we would have never seen before, and we take that information and bring it into our own lives. And then we relax and sit in our PJ's from being truly exhausted from experiencing what life has to offer, instead of the same experience over and over :)
6
The last party I gave was in New York a decade ago for a friend going on mission, and she gave me a list of colleagues to invite to join her on the roof-top of the small building where I lived, and prepared, I pulled out a simple bill of fare dating back to the 1970s.
First, I could not find at the supermarket the onion dip, the tuna was called albacore, staple cheeses had disappeared, but eggs looked much the same. Unfortunately, I had forgotten how to boil one to make deviled delights.
On the verge of a panic attack, two-armed support arrived to save the evening, while I snatched a Gothic scarf dress Bloomies in 1969 for $15, put on some slap, the last to arrive, and a friend of mine, a great host, was entertaining the small gathering - he turned and gave me a welcome: 'You are the only person I know who can invisibly give a party'.
Earlier today a friend came in, complaining that she was not sociable. 'Perhaps', I replied, 'but you are in so many cities and countries, meeting tons of interesting people daily, traveling the world, giving speeches, and nobody can say you lead a dull life. Here I am hiding out in my enchanted garden, I like people more than you, but there are days that I do not see a single one. They pop in without notice, so I keep the tea kettle on the range'.
Quentin Crisp, an author and quiet flamboyant, developed The Art of Crisperanto and wrote 'Manners from Heaven'. An introvert, he liked a good party, laced with champagne.
First, I could not find at the supermarket the onion dip, the tuna was called albacore, staple cheeses had disappeared, but eggs looked much the same. Unfortunately, I had forgotten how to boil one to make deviled delights.
On the verge of a panic attack, two-armed support arrived to save the evening, while I snatched a Gothic scarf dress Bloomies in 1969 for $15, put on some slap, the last to arrive, and a friend of mine, a great host, was entertaining the small gathering - he turned and gave me a welcome: 'You are the only person I know who can invisibly give a party'.
Earlier today a friend came in, complaining that she was not sociable. 'Perhaps', I replied, 'but you are in so many cities and countries, meeting tons of interesting people daily, traveling the world, giving speeches, and nobody can say you lead a dull life. Here I am hiding out in my enchanted garden, I like people more than you, but there are days that I do not see a single one. They pop in without notice, so I keep the tea kettle on the range'.
Quentin Crisp, an author and quiet flamboyant, developed The Art of Crisperanto and wrote 'Manners from Heaven'. An introvert, he liked a good party, laced with champagne.
3
I am the worst combination. Rude and gregarious. So, to preserve my friendships I stay home. People know where to find me.
6
“We care more about ourselves than about the needs of others… just an ordinary version of selfishness”?
Another introvert here who has a high-stress career with the expectation of 24/7 availability, who squeezes in all the other aspects of life into 8 hours over 1 weekend day, IF I’m lucky.
And now I’m selfish for avoiding conversations and gatherings that I don’t enjoy, or just putting on my jammies and staying home?
I spent years when my children were not yet launched as adults, dividing my time between my career and the consuming demands of parenthood. When they grew up and left home, having turned into competent adults, I was so relieved that I could take a tiny sliver of the week for myself, to recharge, rest, sit outside on the porch swing for 15 damn minutes.
Selfish? I prefer to think that I’m sparing the people around me from having to deal with a walking stressed-out, frazzled, over-stimulated mess of neurons. I think I prefer the self-help advice to take the time to nurture yourself. And that means letting the world turn without me.
PS I am known for my courtesy in personal interactions. Introverted does not equal discourteous.
Another introvert here who has a high-stress career with the expectation of 24/7 availability, who squeezes in all the other aspects of life into 8 hours over 1 weekend day, IF I’m lucky.
And now I’m selfish for avoiding conversations and gatherings that I don’t enjoy, or just putting on my jammies and staying home?
I spent years when my children were not yet launched as adults, dividing my time between my career and the consuming demands of parenthood. When they grew up and left home, having turned into competent adults, I was so relieved that I could take a tiny sliver of the week for myself, to recharge, rest, sit outside on the porch swing for 15 damn minutes.
Selfish? I prefer to think that I’m sparing the people around me from having to deal with a walking stressed-out, frazzled, over-stimulated mess of neurons. I think I prefer the self-help advice to take the time to nurture yourself. And that means letting the world turn without me.
PS I am known for my courtesy in personal interactions. Introverted does not equal discourteous.
16
Cutting ones self off from human interaction can also have negative effects. Knowing your self is important and if you are not comfortable in the 'social butterfly' role then don't do it. I would suggest picking and choosing the events you wish to attend and then making an effort to engage and enjoy yourself at those events. The way you will hopefully have a nice time and so will the people around you. That way the comment may be made "She doesn't attend may events, but is always nice when she does."
3
How refreshingly honest.
Though many commenters here have derided this essay as vapid and navel gazing, I feel they miss its deeper message, which is easily overlooked if one chooses not to critically examine their own behavior and motives in the same introspective fashion. Self-reflection requires courage, and to judge the revelations of an individual who is doing the work is not just callous, it is also cowardly if you aren't doing the work yourself.
For me, the key message of this essay is not that introversion is a sin, or that extroversion is a virtue; but rather that viewing our actions and ourselves within the context of a social vacuum is yet another way that we falsely justify our behavior. Whom does it hurt, if we are not involving ourselves with anyone? The question itself is a tautology, as introversion necessitates the exclusion of oneself from others, and you begin to see why your presence, or lack thereof, has broader implications beyond your own needs. Acting without regard for others is the definition of selfishness. Balancing your needs with the group, is, at the very least, thoughtful. In other words, in order to be introvert, you first need the company of people from which to exclude yourself.
It is so easy to strip your life and your soul of meaning in the name of privacy and introversion. What will always be hard is being honest with oneself and with others. This essay reveals that no matter our excuse about “why”, there is indeed a cost.
Though many commenters here have derided this essay as vapid and navel gazing, I feel they miss its deeper message, which is easily overlooked if one chooses not to critically examine their own behavior and motives in the same introspective fashion. Self-reflection requires courage, and to judge the revelations of an individual who is doing the work is not just callous, it is also cowardly if you aren't doing the work yourself.
For me, the key message of this essay is not that introversion is a sin, or that extroversion is a virtue; but rather that viewing our actions and ourselves within the context of a social vacuum is yet another way that we falsely justify our behavior. Whom does it hurt, if we are not involving ourselves with anyone? The question itself is a tautology, as introversion necessitates the exclusion of oneself from others, and you begin to see why your presence, or lack thereof, has broader implications beyond your own needs. Acting without regard for others is the definition of selfishness. Balancing your needs with the group, is, at the very least, thoughtful. In other words, in order to be introvert, you first need the company of people from which to exclude yourself.
It is so easy to strip your life and your soul of meaning in the name of privacy and introversion. What will always be hard is being honest with oneself and with others. This essay reveals that no matter our excuse about “why”, there is indeed a cost.
5
I do not think passing up big gatherings of strangers is rude. It is understandable for an introvert to minimize time in such settings, leaving no one hurt thereby.
I don't know that it helps anyone for a true introvert to force himself into such settings for very long.
In normal human interactions, there are introverts who are self-centered, certainly, and also those who love deeply and consider other people, even strangers, with empathy and respect.
I think it is worthwhile for anyone, introvert or extrovert, to ask himself honestly if he is treating other people he encounters with respect for their humanity and dignity.
I don't know that it helps anyone for a true introvert to force himself into such settings for very long.
In normal human interactions, there are introverts who are self-centered, certainly, and also those who love deeply and consider other people, even strangers, with empathy and respect.
I think it is worthwhile for anyone, introvert or extrovert, to ask himself honestly if he is treating other people he encounters with respect for their humanity and dignity.
5
As they say on the plane, "put your mask on first. then you can care for the person next to you."
Relentless giving will deplete. A little selfishness might manifest itself in a way that when you are present, you are really present.
Relentless giving will deplete. A little selfishness might manifest itself in a way that when you are present, you are really present.
7
I have never naturally understood people.
As if they speak one dialect and I another.
But I do my best to understand what they are saying
and I try to make myself understood.
However, I am overwhelmed when surrounded by people,
especially people I do not know.
Do my best to be polite and helpful.
But I am not a Social Butterfly,
please forgive me -
my lack of extraverted wings.
As if they speak one dialect and I another.
But I do my best to understand what they are saying
and I try to make myself understood.
However, I am overwhelmed when surrounded by people,
especially people I do not know.
Do my best to be polite and helpful.
But I am not a Social Butterfly,
please forgive me -
my lack of extraverted wings.
10
This article is insulting. Introversion should never be compared to "just an ordinary version of selfishness." I am an introvert and confidently avoid most activities involving extroversion. When someone asks me why I don't want to go to the club, I simply explain that I do not enjoy mingling with strangers, dancing and drinking in such a setting. To this day, no one has ever accused me of being rude or selfish. On the contrary, most people describe me as pleasant and polite. Also, consider that most people are reasonable observers. Most people I meet can tell I am introverted. They don't need a lot of time to figure it out. Rudeness has nothing to do with introversion. Even the most introverted person can express courtesy and make small talk. We simply have a lower threshold of outward expressiveness. I think that as long as I am not defensive about my introversion, empathize with the need of extroverts, and engage in activities and interactions that are mutually fulfilling, my introversion would never be construed as rudeness.
20
I thought this piece generous. We do live in a social world. We do not have to be social in it--we do not have to have a single friend or any active connections to family. It is not illegal. But it makes a lot of things in life work.
I do think being polite and warm at the dog park is easy. Saying hello on the sidewalk as I pass by my neighbors is easy. I do not want to have neighbors who are too selfish to say hello to me. Greetings and shorts bursts of small talk are easy--they are just ways to recognize each other, make known that you intend no harm to each other, have an excuse to look at one another without threat.
I imagine that people who do not understand that have not themselves imagined being bombed, or mugged, or shot by passing gangs members, or hit by a car, say a drunk driver. Those neighbors you never greeted? They have no tie to you. They might help you, but it would require of them generosity and effort to do so.
Parties are different. Events focused on specific goals are more natural.
Most people are not pure introverts or extroverts. Many warm and friendly people need to exert effort to be warm, to be friendly, and to be better listeners. These are learned behaviors. They work. They are easy but not effortless. The effort is somehow worthwhile, even for misanthropes.
Introverts should, however, have a modicum of time alone at work.
I do think being polite and warm at the dog park is easy. Saying hello on the sidewalk as I pass by my neighbors is easy. I do not want to have neighbors who are too selfish to say hello to me. Greetings and shorts bursts of small talk are easy--they are just ways to recognize each other, make known that you intend no harm to each other, have an excuse to look at one another without threat.
I imagine that people who do not understand that have not themselves imagined being bombed, or mugged, or shot by passing gangs members, or hit by a car, say a drunk driver. Those neighbors you never greeted? They have no tie to you. They might help you, but it would require of them generosity and effort to do so.
Parties are different. Events focused on specific goals are more natural.
Most people are not pure introverts or extroverts. Many warm and friendly people need to exert effort to be warm, to be friendly, and to be better listeners. These are learned behaviors. They work. They are easy but not effortless. The effort is somehow worthwhile, even for misanthropes.
Introverts should, however, have a modicum of time alone at work.
6
Several commenters were hard on KJ. Remember the old saw; the unexamined life is not worth leading? Well, she's examining her life to see if she can do better, just like we all should. She may arrive back at your belief, she may not. No matter what her choice is, that ability to choose also makes life worth leading!
7
I am always punctual, so the writer does hit the nail that she may be selfish, but I do find social mixing to be very trying. Unless I know all the people quite well or it is a social situation that I have some control over (i.e. meeting people with a definite purpose such as when I teach a class or head or even participate in a meeting or class), but I respond on so many mental, emotional, and visceral levels to parties or gatherings.
First, I am horrible at small talk. I don't know how to do it and I quickly lose interest in repeating the same lines again and again. I start feeling like a gigantic echo chamber. Second, I am totally de-energized by parties and the like. It is exhausting having to put on a fake smile, to look engaged and interested, to think of something to say under pressure, to always be aware of every little movement I make (with my facial expressions and body language), and to be unable to hold a train of thought together that would be so easy in a one to one situation. Third, with all these pieces in play, I am also aware of how people respond to me, the strange looks, the boredom, the pity, or the rejection. Fourth, these kinds of situations bore me to tears as well. I'd rather be reading a book than listening attentively to some half-witted bore or to hold an insipid conversation with people I have so little in common with. Of course, almost always I get on just fine and no one notices a thing. But all these feelings are very real to me.
First, I am horrible at small talk. I don't know how to do it and I quickly lose interest in repeating the same lines again and again. I start feeling like a gigantic echo chamber. Second, I am totally de-energized by parties and the like. It is exhausting having to put on a fake smile, to look engaged and interested, to think of something to say under pressure, to always be aware of every little movement I make (with my facial expressions and body language), and to be unable to hold a train of thought together that would be so easy in a one to one situation. Third, with all these pieces in play, I am also aware of how people respond to me, the strange looks, the boredom, the pity, or the rejection. Fourth, these kinds of situations bore me to tears as well. I'd rather be reading a book than listening attentively to some half-witted bore or to hold an insipid conversation with people I have so little in common with. Of course, almost always I get on just fine and no one notices a thing. But all these feelings are very real to me.
13
When our first son was young, we required him (out of our sense of social obligation) to attend parties at which he was miserable. After a time, we realized how wrong we were, and let him and his brother exercise their own preferences in the matter.
I then became more comfortable turning down invitations to parties. A turning point was a conversation with a business friend who had invited me to a holiday party. After I hemmed and hawed for a minute, she said, "You shouldn't come; it sounds as if you would be unhappy."
I then became more comfortable turning down invitations to parties. A turning point was a conversation with a business friend who had invited me to a holiday party. After I hemmed and hawed for a minute, she said, "You shouldn't come; it sounds as if you would be unhappy."
4
Propaganda from the dominant group.
22
>Sometimes, she said, “you have to consider the other person’s point of view instead of getting wrapped up in your own discomfort.”
I'm still waiting for thinkpieces saying this to extroverts.
> “the knowledge that you might inadvertently be hurting someone’s feelings by not showing up or by behaving in a way that’s perceived as aloof can make it easier to extend yourself.”
I actually laughed out loud at this -- without mirth. Why would such a thought make it easier?! (This was the point where I too had to wonder if the author is or ever was an introvert.)
Well. I guess we're back to shaming introverts into compliance! No, wait. Correction: we're back to shaming introverts into feeling bad about their non-compliance. No more of that "delicious" "illicit" pleasure when you opt out -- if such a thing ever existed. I, for one, have never experienced it. I've experienced great _relief_ when granted explicit "permission" to skip an event. But there's no pleasure without that, just a different flavor of anxiety. But at least I get to suffer through it in private.
I'm still waiting for thinkpieces saying this to extroverts.
> “the knowledge that you might inadvertently be hurting someone’s feelings by not showing up or by behaving in a way that’s perceived as aloof can make it easier to extend yourself.”
I actually laughed out loud at this -- without mirth. Why would such a thought make it easier?! (This was the point where I too had to wonder if the author is or ever was an introvert.)
Well. I guess we're back to shaming introverts into compliance! No, wait. Correction: we're back to shaming introverts into feeling bad about their non-compliance. No more of that "delicious" "illicit" pleasure when you opt out -- if such a thing ever existed. I, for one, have never experienced it. I've experienced great _relief_ when granted explicit "permission" to skip an event. But there's no pleasure without that, just a different flavor of anxiety. But at least I get to suffer through it in private.
13
As an introvert but highly approachable person all my life I find countless faults in the article itself and fail to believe the writer was ever one of us. I had a boss who told me he was not a "people" person, in fact, that he hated crowds, parties, and sometimes people in general. I could plainly sense he was strictly in it for the money. And there are a lot of leaders and CEO's just like him. Yet they go to meetings, they get the job done. Many are better achievers than the so called social climbers because they got where they are on performance and not by sucking up.
7
Remove the alcohol from parties and watch the introverts reappear.
26
Introverts, in general, are as kind and caring as anyone else. We just don't make a big deal about it.
17
"If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask first.."
2
No, I'm not rude, I just know that I am an introvert who has a low tolerance for certain types of extroversion. I have a maternal aunt and cousin (her daughter) who are extroverts of the worse type.
Gossipy and intrusive, always getting into everyone's business, they presume to know what is good for everyone else, so they don't respect boundaries. It is all about them and what they want.
I don't like them, so I don't call, and I won't step a foot inside their houses. If they visit to see my mom, I stop by long enough to say hello, and I escape as soon as I can.
Gossipy and intrusive, always getting into everyone's business, they presume to know what is good for everyone else, so they don't respect boundaries. It is all about them and what they want.
I don't like them, so I don't call, and I won't step a foot inside their houses. If they visit to see my mom, I stop by long enough to say hello, and I escape as soon as I can.
56
They look at me askance, they think I am odd. I am Odd however I have come to realize that the state of living in silence and solitude is not a gift, it is earned. One must live a life before living in contemplation, otherwise one would not know what to contemplate. One must find a means of sustenance for the privilege of solitude, otherwise one is hungry, always searching for the basics of survival. So, a lifetime lived is essential for a life lived outside of life. How can an introvert exist in this world? only if the spirit lives outside of itself contained in the same vessel but separate and hopefully still alive.
3
Intro - extro - whatever. We all know the difference between an event that can be missed with no real issues and one where someone's feelings will be hurt if we don't show up and, of course, those rare occasions when not being there would be unforgivable - your offspring's wedding for example, or a parent's funeral. You can certainly skip the PTA social if it is that much of a problem but introvert or not, you have to pull up your socks and attend the wedding, the funeral or the party of the century your best friend has been planning for a year. If you don't, expect consequences and be prepared to deserve them. We all have to work at preserving the "social contract" in a civilized society. That may require more effort from some than others but that's the way it is. If I don't seem very sympathetic to this problem it is because I am not. I've seen it used an an excuse for selfishness and lack of consideration for others way too often.
5
"The more we isolate ourselves from new people, the more isolated and segregated our society is likely to become."
Our society is as extroverted as its been, with a plethora of opportunities to connect with new people because of technology. Even when we're in the bathroom with our phones we socialize! And yet ideas and groups are more isolated than ever. Did you consider why that is?
A lot of isolation comes from being surrounded by an echo chamber, by voices that don't allow us to think but only groupthink, the very stuff extroverts live on. It's not rude to challenge extroverted conventions. Its important.
More empathy/understanding can be gleaned from a novel that stretches your mind than spending that night making small talk and being "polite."
Our society is as extroverted as its been, with a plethora of opportunities to connect with new people because of technology. Even when we're in the bathroom with our phones we socialize! And yet ideas and groups are more isolated than ever. Did you consider why that is?
A lot of isolation comes from being surrounded by an echo chamber, by voices that don't allow us to think but only groupthink, the very stuff extroverts live on. It's not rude to challenge extroverted conventions. Its important.
More empathy/understanding can be gleaned from a novel that stretches your mind than spending that night making small talk and being "polite."
11
Silence is considered golden for a reason.
16
Rude??? Omlyban overbearing chatterbox would consider introversion to be "rude" probably because of her incessant need to be the center of attention.
I do agree that making an effort to be more sociable is healthier than cutting yourself off completely.
But oh the joy of not being so needy of other people !!!
I do agree that making an effort to be more sociable is healthier than cutting yourself off completely.
But oh the joy of not being so needy of other people !!!
14
I've read a bunch of comments here about being true to who you are. It's the rest of the world that's crazy, not you. I'm a lifelong introvert, now in my 70s, who peculiarly chose journalism as a profession - one in which I had to call people on the phone who had little interest in talking to me; spend an inordinate amount of time in social and group settings; even [god help me] give speeches. And here I thought journalism would be just sitting at your typewriter, just you and your thoughts and ideas.
It was a painful way to spend my life. I achieved some success, but I was never really comfortable at all in it. And what success I did end up achieving was based on a lot of false premises. And like false premises, it wasn't fated to last.
It doesn't matter how many t-shirts you have or self-help books you read, how often you tell yourself that it's the world that's crazy, not you. Most introverts - most, not those equipped with extraordinary intelligence or the ability to leave some gift for the world - most introverts know that in any confrontation between you and the world, the world wins.
It was a painful way to spend my life. I achieved some success, but I was never really comfortable at all in it. And what success I did end up achieving was based on a lot of false premises. And like false premises, it wasn't fated to last.
It doesn't matter how many t-shirts you have or self-help books you read, how often you tell yourself that it's the world that's crazy, not you. Most introverts - most, not those equipped with extraordinary intelligence or the ability to leave some gift for the world - most introverts know that in any confrontation between you and the world, the world wins.
10
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, "If you don't say 'yes' to most difficult challenges when you're young, you have no guts. If you say 'yes' to everything when you get older you have no brain."
10
'On one delicious occasion, I sat in my car and read a book while my children attended a family-oriented athletic function.'
I too used to do this sort of thing all the time. Then, one day I was roped in against my will by the main organiser to direct a small road-race for my club. I had previously turned up to the race for many years just before the start, ran (and sometimes won the race), hung around for a bit, collected my prize and disappeared.
What an eye opener! Pathetic as it sounds now, for the first time in my über privileged existence as a sub-elite competitive runner, it dawned upon me how much time and effort by unpaid and unsung volunteers had gone into all these small scale fun runs in which I had taken part. Before, during and after the race, the hard work and the hard yards had been done on my behalf by someone else and it had barely registered.
Eventually, I followed this up 'giving back' some more by volunteering to run the club for the next couple of years. (It didn't go too well, alas.)
I dislike groups and collectives, and they dislike me. Hence, I have spent the last twenty years trying to atone somewhat for my arrogance and selfishness by picking up all the local litter wherever I am in the world.
I too used to do this sort of thing all the time. Then, one day I was roped in against my will by the main organiser to direct a small road-race for my club. I had previously turned up to the race for many years just before the start, ran (and sometimes won the race), hung around for a bit, collected my prize and disappeared.
What an eye opener! Pathetic as it sounds now, for the first time in my über privileged existence as a sub-elite competitive runner, it dawned upon me how much time and effort by unpaid and unsung volunteers had gone into all these small scale fun runs in which I had taken part. Before, during and after the race, the hard work and the hard yards had been done on my behalf by someone else and it had barely registered.
Eventually, I followed this up 'giving back' some more by volunteering to run the club for the next couple of years. (It didn't go too well, alas.)
I dislike groups and collectives, and they dislike me. Hence, I have spent the last twenty years trying to atone somewhat for my arrogance and selfishness by picking up all the local litter wherever I am in the world.
17
Very insightful and provocative ... also the first time I've seen a positive aspect to all the planes I've missed and the frantic dashes through the airport - it seems that my lack of punctuality might really be beyond help. :)
Seriously, there is a broad victim culture today. We all like to pass the blame for our flaws and failures onto things which are beyond our control. Yet, while there is undoubtedly much truth in these theories, the most successful and happy people are those who take responsibility for their lives, even for things that they cannot control.
Introversion opened up victim-hood to a whole new group of people like myself who otherwise couldn't place ourselves into any obvious discriminated-against category. We need to avoid using it to feel sorry for ourselves or to fail needlessly - but otherwise, it is a very helpful categorization which teaches us a lot about how to treat each other.
Seriously, there is a broad victim culture today. We all like to pass the blame for our flaws and failures onto things which are beyond our control. Yet, while there is undoubtedly much truth in these theories, the most successful and happy people are those who take responsibility for their lives, even for things that they cannot control.
Introversion opened up victim-hood to a whole new group of people like myself who otherwise couldn't place ourselves into any obvious discriminated-against category. We need to avoid using it to feel sorry for ourselves or to fail needlessly - but otherwise, it is a very helpful categorization which teaches us a lot about how to treat each other.
3
The best way in my mind to distinguish between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts get their energy through interaction with others while introverts get their energy from within. We are just wired differently. One isn’t any better than the other.
Since most of the commenters thus far seem to be introverts, how about some equal time from someone who is decidedly a strong extrovert?
I crave the company of others. And living alone doesn’t help matters, especially as I grow older. So I reach out to friends as much as possible to communicate and hopefully spend some time together.
But with all too many of my friends, for whatever reasons, when given the choice between spending time with me (or anybody else) or alone time, all too often alone time wins.
Of course, I have to accept this. The choice is and always should be theirs. There is nothing at all rude about that.
But for extroverts like me, it’s still frustrating nonetheless!
Since most of the commenters thus far seem to be introverts, how about some equal time from someone who is decidedly a strong extrovert?
I crave the company of others. And living alone doesn’t help matters, especially as I grow older. So I reach out to friends as much as possible to communicate and hopefully spend some time together.
But with all too many of my friends, for whatever reasons, when given the choice between spending time with me (or anybody else) or alone time, all too often alone time wins.
Of course, I have to accept this. The choice is and always should be theirs. There is nothing at all rude about that.
But for extroverts like me, it’s still frustrating nonetheless!
12
When I was a child, I thought the lyrics to Barbra Streisand's "People" were a mistake--"People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." I have come to see and experience, especially as I spend time among elderly friends and family, that the lyrics were, in fact, spot on.
4
There is a difference between being introverted - preferring alone-time or smaller social situations - and being self-obsessed. One can pick and choose the amount of time and energy in dynamic group situations and still think about things other than own navel.
4
The terms introversion and extraversion were popularized by Carl Jung, although both the popular understanding & psychological usage differ from his original intent.
Some people talk a lot 'cause they're uncomfortable with silence (empty spaces in conversation).
Some are hearing impaired.
Some come from a different "tradition" or culture or family of origin.
Some come from a socio-economic group in which behavior expectations differ.
There was a time when "extraversion" was considered "rude".
If approached by someone my grandmother didn't "know", it was de rigueur to say, "Do I know you ?" or "Have we been introduced ?".
Some people talk a lot 'cause they're uncomfortable with silence (empty spaces in conversation).
Some are hearing impaired.
Some come from a different "tradition" or culture or family of origin.
Some come from a socio-economic group in which behavior expectations differ.
There was a time when "extraversion" was considered "rude".
If approached by someone my grandmother didn't "know", it was de rigueur to say, "Do I know you ?" or "Have we been introduced ?".
3
When I talk to my students about the challenges of introversion (and I do this after having read Cain's Quiet, knowing that there are more introverts than one might think) I tell them my story....and how I learned to "step outside of my introversion" when the occasion called for it. Then relishing my time alone to re-energize, when its time came. It is a constant action of finding balance; which is, by the way, Aristotle's prescription for finding the good and fulfilled life!
5
It wasn't until I got sober that I learned some things. 1. It's not all about me. 2. The only way for me to be happy in this world is to be of service to others. 3. I suit up and show up, DESPITE how I FEEL about it. 4. I cannot live a happy life if I make my feelings the most important aspect of my decision making process. So really, we have to be there for others, especially if you would like them to ever be there for you. Doing things your way all the time is selfish and self centered and quite frankly, immature and a little ugly.
3
This line jumped out at me: “you might inadvertently be hurting someone’s feelings by not showing up or by behaving in a way that’s perceived as aloof.” As an extreme introvert, I’ve been told that people think I’m aloof or even “arrogant.” Since I know that I'm neither aloof nor arrogant but am in fact a deeply caring, generous, thoughtful person with intense connections to a small number of people, the misperception doesn’t bother me at all. The people I care about know that I care about them. What difference does it make what casual acquaintances think? Moreover, knowing this about myself has a huge upside: I don’t judge other people as “aloof” or “arrogant.” Instead, I look more carefully at the people who are quiet and withdrawn and give them extra care and attention. I’m more concerned with hurting the feelings of shy people by judging them in this way than I am with hurting the feelings of extroverts who fail to take the time to understand quieter people.
17
Hmm, I always thought it was extroverts who were chronically late, relishing the attention and basking in the need for everyone to adjust to accommodate their tardiness. I agree with the time management expert and it is the expression of self over others in its purest form.
As a true introvert, I wouldn't think of being late for anything, I'd abhor the extra attention.
As a true introvert, I wouldn't think of being late for anything, I'd abhor the extra attention.
9
No, no! If you've read Cain you know that shyness and introversion are different. Don't conflate them. The solution you arrived at is Boolean. No interaction to preserve self. But if you can take the initiative to preserve self, then you are also aware that you need interaction and should ration self-time and self-interaction time equally. This isn't about introversion or gregariousness, it's about extremism. Go to the middle where manners and self-preservation co-exist.
2
You're a Doc Martin. And yes, you're rude.
1
not the first time this has appeared in print or discussion...experience informs that the problem here is making the problem and, by extension, making the problem the problem...revealed are more than trace amounts of guilt and narcissism...
has any "aversive", been chided for tarnishing a large gathering with his or her absence?
the two elements of this argument, the value of interaction and it's opposite, solitude (and its values) are neither exclusive nor reciprocal...stay at homes are not necessarily pajama-wrapped couch potatoes, not necessarily rude or self-centered
...could be that they are far more engaged than the hail-persons-well-met, likely mixing their joy with the anxieties of social competition.
a frequent example, teachers who are completely available to their students and community during hours and practically invisible after...maybe writing, maybe tending orchids maybe (true examples) throwing world-class pottery or making jewelry.
if the urge to solitude comes naturally and brings pleasure or renewal, it is hardly indulgent, though it may be self-centered in the sense that we are always talking about being "centered."
rather than demonstrating "care more about ourselves than about the needs of others" (harsh!) and failures of courtesy, it may be that "fretful aversives," if you will, may be actually be concerned with the approval of others and perhaps doubtful of their ability (or likeability) to gain it.
has any "aversive", been chided for tarnishing a large gathering with his or her absence?
the two elements of this argument, the value of interaction and it's opposite, solitude (and its values) are neither exclusive nor reciprocal...stay at homes are not necessarily pajama-wrapped couch potatoes, not necessarily rude or self-centered
...could be that they are far more engaged than the hail-persons-well-met, likely mixing their joy with the anxieties of social competition.
a frequent example, teachers who are completely available to their students and community during hours and practically invisible after...maybe writing, maybe tending orchids maybe (true examples) throwing world-class pottery or making jewelry.
if the urge to solitude comes naturally and brings pleasure or renewal, it is hardly indulgent, though it may be self-centered in the sense that we are always talking about being "centered."
rather than demonstrating "care more about ourselves than about the needs of others" (harsh!) and failures of courtesy, it may be that "fretful aversives," if you will, may be actually be concerned with the approval of others and perhaps doubtful of their ability (or likeability) to gain it.
2
Sigh. I relate all too well to all of this. The past effort I used to make, the relief once I'd achieved a certain level of success and my subsequent withdrawal, the empowerment of the "introvert explosion"... And finally the nagging suspicion that I should, nevertheless, still try harder. I'm resolving to try harder. Thanks for the reminder.
4
Times change. People change. I resonated very strongly with the author's early experiences of being the good guest, the good host, always "on". Today, I am told that I am very empathetic and caring and I know that I am almost compulsively on time for events. But as one ages, preserving one's own energy can be crucial to one's well being. Listen to your body. If you feel that a social interaction is draining, then limit it. That's just common sense. .
9
What an irrational muddle.
Yes, your lateness is rude. Stop being late as it inconveniences others. It is a separate issue from introversion.
No, you do not need to attend social events out of politeness. Most social events will go on just fine without you, and it is not rude to decline. Your presence or absence is in most cases irrelevant to the others attending. They are perfectly capable of enjoying the event without you, and you can stay home or go out with smaller groups of friends instead, as you feel inclined. Unless it is a wedding of a close friend or family member or maybe an important birthday, the world does not turn on your being part of the celebration.
Framing introversion as some kind of moral failing that is going to harm social diversity and diminish human understanding is much more offensive and insensitive than any possible rudeness you have perpetrated by not attending parties.
Yes, your lateness is rude. Stop being late as it inconveniences others. It is a separate issue from introversion.
No, you do not need to attend social events out of politeness. Most social events will go on just fine without you, and it is not rude to decline. Your presence or absence is in most cases irrelevant to the others attending. They are perfectly capable of enjoying the event without you, and you can stay home or go out with smaller groups of friends instead, as you feel inclined. Unless it is a wedding of a close friend or family member or maybe an important birthday, the world does not turn on your being part of the celebration.
Framing introversion as some kind of moral failing that is going to harm social diversity and diminish human understanding is much more offensive and insensitive than any possible rudeness you have perpetrated by not attending parties.
12
There's no such thing as introverts and extroverts, just as there is no id, ego and superego. These are just stories to give us permission to do what we want to do anyway.
If you have a need to feel guilty, fine, but in this case your guilt is wholly unwarranted and accomplishes nothing. The imagined momentary twinge of hurt you might create in refusing an invitation is nothing compared to the hours of torture we as introverts have endured at social gatherings, solely for the purpose of trying to meet the expectations of others who clearly enjoy those things and expect others to do the same. When I do. out of guilt, occasionally attend a function, yes, I show up late and leave at the first opportunity, usually without a goodbye. It's still both more hurt and much more effort than the partiers had to exert.
1
Your assumption that this might just be selfish behavior seems overboard and focused on finding fault/blame. There are other ways to look the dynamics: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introvert... .
I suppose one could write a paired essay on how extroverts can be rude--if we could agree on criteria for "rudeness."
I suppose one could write a paired essay on how extroverts can be rude--if we could agree on criteria for "rudeness."
1
Something else to be thoughtful about is depression. Sometimes consistently turning inward away from social obligations is a symptom and we introverts need be aware that it's a fine line.
3
Sorry. Being chronically late has nothing to do with being introverted. It's just rude and disrespectful. By all means, opt out of parties, friendly interactions, lock yourself in a toilet, do whatever floats your boat. But, leaving me sitting and waiting on your pleasure to show up has nothing to do with your shyness, that's your narcissistic self involved characteristic- probably part of your need to write incessantly about yourself. I am so sorry I wasted my time on this article.
9
Interesting. There is a whole very program this week on the BBC World Service, online, "The Forum" on " How Shyness and Introversion Can Be a Strength," with psychologists and an anthropologist.
Its available until this Saturday. Then, can be easily found on the sidebar for an additional week, before it can be found in previous "Episodes."
Its available until this Saturday. Then, can be easily found on the sidebar for an additional week, before it can be found in previous "Episodes."
4
I'm only lonely when I'm with people
12
One issue not discussed is the use and abuse of alcohol by introverts as a way of coping with social events.
So many social interactions do involve alcohol. Absent alcohol, you might find that the "life of the party" is actually an introvert too.
So many social interactions do involve alcohol. Absent alcohol, you might find that the "life of the party" is actually an introvert too.
1
Why do you NEED to go to those things, if you don't enjoy them?
6
Why do I read articles and opinions?
...to become better informed, to pick up thought-provoking notions from those who have explored a subject more deeply than I. Social situations, one hopes, will yield similar stimulation. While the press offers interesting information and expert outlook, social contact gives the opportunity for inquiry, perhaps, repartee.
If I meet someone recently returned from Ulan Bator, I want to hear their observations, I want to ask some questions. A social situation provides that opportunity.
You might say that a media talk show is for those unable or unwilling to attend a real live slurpy, burby cocktail party.
Am I an introvert or otherwise?...never thought about it, doesn't seem like an interesting question.
...to become better informed, to pick up thought-provoking notions from those who have explored a subject more deeply than I. Social situations, one hopes, will yield similar stimulation. While the press offers interesting information and expert outlook, social contact gives the opportunity for inquiry, perhaps, repartee.
If I meet someone recently returned from Ulan Bator, I want to hear their observations, I want to ask some questions. A social situation provides that opportunity.
You might say that a media talk show is for those unable or unwilling to attend a real live slurpy, burby cocktail party.
Am I an introvert or otherwise?...never thought about it, doesn't seem like an interesting question.
3
I think you need to go back and re-read "Quiet". Introversion, as Ms. Cain hopefully clarified for you when you interviewed her, has nothing to do with rudeness or with anti-social, or non-pro-social, behavior. Of course, introverts can be rude people as easily as extroverts. Introversion has to do with responding to and screening/filtering external stimuli; introverts are more fully "in" a conversation when they are having one--and therefore, often, more drained afterwards. That doesn't mean the conversation isn't worth it, it just means that small talk really isn't valued as highly by introverts. What is the problem with that? Introverts do value their friends (they usually don't have 5000 of them, however), and if they are caring, empathic people, they are not rude to them, and they don't blithely hurt their feelings when they know their friends need them to show up, in whatever sense. I really do think the author of the article needs to go back and re-read the book, which I heartily recommend for introverts and extroverts alike.
7
The author shouldn't confuse selfishness and disregard for others with time spent alone (or with close friends and family) to recharge and contemplate.
I truly believe the world would be LESS selfish if everyone were introverts. Introverts love helping others when nobody is looking. It makes us feel like we've transcended our selfish genes.
I truly believe the world would be LESS selfish if everyone were introverts. Introverts love helping others when nobody is looking. It makes us feel like we've transcended our selfish genes.
2
When people remember what it is to be socially engaging, and witty and fun, and interested in people other than real estate, and stop checking their smartphones every minute, I'll go back to being social.
9
Forgive my rudeness, but why did the NYT publish this article? It belongs in some old copy of Psychology Today.
7
When society finally comes around to accommodating a struggling subculture, it's natural that those people might overindulge a little bit. Introversion isn't a free pass to opt out of social life. At the same time, I think it stands to reason that expecting introverts to behave like extroverts is its own kind of "rude" or "selfish." Being part of a community is a give and take, and it seems obvious that it's crucial to make room for reserved, reflective people as well as bold uninhibited people. I'm surprised this is a revelation to anybody, and I'm a little disturbed that introverts have to argue for their worth. I'm equally disturbed that it would take the publication of a book to explain - to grown adults - what introversion is.
7
Is there more than one kind of introvert?
When I hear the word, I imagine a shy person standing at the edge of the room, too uncomfortable to start a conversation. But I have no trouble at all making small talk. Friends love inviting me to their parties because I keep conversations, and humor, bubbling along at a pleasant flow. But even though I enjoy it, for an hour or two, I find it exhausting, because it feels like a Performance. I have to get away to recharge my batteries.
That's why I consider my home The Place I Go To Get Away From Everyone Else. If it is my turn to host, we're going to a restaurant.
When I hear the word, I imagine a shy person standing at the edge of the room, too uncomfortable to start a conversation. But I have no trouble at all making small talk. Friends love inviting me to their parties because I keep conversations, and humor, bubbling along at a pleasant flow. But even though I enjoy it, for an hour or two, I find it exhausting, because it feels like a Performance. I have to get away to recharge my batteries.
That's why I consider my home The Place I Go To Get Away From Everyone Else. If it is my turn to host, we're going to a restaurant.
7
An introverted character does not entail rudeness, nor do the retiring actions of introverted people who gain no value or energy from interactions with strangers or casual acquaintances (and this is the proper definition of introversion: non-purposeful social interaction is an energy sink, and as one's energy supplies are limited such interactions are minimized. Interactions with those who are familiar with one's limitations in this regard are generally not problematic. So, yes, a chatty stranger on a plane or anywhere else is a tiresome drain, while a familiar neighbor or family member is not). The very idea that a naturally introverted person should consider whether their inclination not to engage with strangers might hurt said strangers' feelings is frankly laughable.
Were the author actually introverted, she would know in her gut that Raghunathan's quoted studies and others like it were biased toward extroverts (who else would take part in such randomized trials?), so whatever conclusions they inferred could not possibly be widely applicable. That she sees her behavior as unhealthy self-absorption might well be accurate, but she should not be painting others who face authentic challenges in social settings with the same brush.
Were the author actually introverted, she would know in her gut that Raghunathan's quoted studies and others like it were biased toward extroverts (who else would take part in such randomized trials?), so whatever conclusions they inferred could not possibly be widely applicable. That she sees her behavior as unhealthy self-absorption might well be accurate, but she should not be painting others who face authentic challenges in social settings with the same brush.
10
As an introvert I do sometimes feeling a little selfish declining get togethers, parties, happy hours, etc. But as I get older, I'm in my 70s), I just have to do what's right for me. I love my solitude, my art, my books, my walks, the gym, the swim, the sun rise, the sunset, etc....
That said, my career was in the hospitality business from Hollywood to Hawaii. I had to be very extroverted to be successful. I've paid my dues.
Looks like I'm trying to convince myself not to feel guilty for being a homebody!
That said, my career was in the hospitality business from Hollywood to Hawaii. I had to be very extroverted to be successful. I've paid my dues.
Looks like I'm trying to convince myself not to feel guilty for being a homebody!
10
The writer of this article is obviously not a real introvert... real introverts don't care what "society" thinks, don't feel compelled to maintain or perpetuate a social order based on hollow interactions and genteel pleasantries, don't really care about missing out on the richness of social engagements that cross socioeconomic barriers, and don't beat themselves up for being "selfish" when they want to be alone, and don't resort to shaming other introverts using specious statistics about monkey puppets and spending money on strangers.
22
The reactionary backlash against introverts is in full swing. Everywhere we turn, we are told, "Yes, it's fine to be an introvert, BUT . ."
The sociable, and now the sociable introverts just cannot leave us alone. "You have to be sociable to be happy" is the mantra, the invisible ideology that crams itself down everyone's throats.
Some of us prefer our own company. There is nothing wrong with us.
If that hurts your feelings, then that's something you'll have to work through, because it bothers me not a whit.
The sociable, and now the sociable introverts just cannot leave us alone. "You have to be sociable to be happy" is the mantra, the invisible ideology that crams itself down everyone's throats.
Some of us prefer our own company. There is nothing wrong with us.
If that hurts your feelings, then that's something you'll have to work through, because it bothers me not a whit.
15
Because of my introverted nature, I often came up with excuses to avoid talking to strangers: "Oh, she wouldn't enjoy chatting with me. I'm boring!" or "I suck at small talk. I'm sure he'll find someone more interesting to talk to." The thing is, I was always focused on me and my discomfort. And for a long time I convinced myself that I was doing people a favor when I didn't socialize with them. I never really gave much thought to how my behavior might make others feel. What if they also suffered from social anxiety? What if they thought I didn't like them?
So I tried being a little less self-absorbed and making more attempts to connect with others. Such exercises involved thinking and feeling about the situation from their points of view. Sometimes I was rebuffed or ignored--hey, maybe they're introverts too!--but more often than not I was greeted with a smile and some measure of relief. No one likes being lonely, introverts included. Choosing to be alone is very different from feeling lonely.
So I tried being a little less self-absorbed and making more attempts to connect with others. Such exercises involved thinking and feeling about the situation from their points of view. Sometimes I was rebuffed or ignored--hey, maybe they're introverts too!--but more often than not I was greeted with a smile and some measure of relief. No one likes being lonely, introverts included. Choosing to be alone is very different from feeling lonely.
2
Lordy, such an earnest dispatch from Captain Obvious. An introvert does need to accommodate his or her nature and we often have occupations that exploit our contemplative aspects. If we didn't accommodate our nature we'd be out of a job. But looking after our need to recharge our personal batteries hardly requires avoiding parties or other social obligations or shrugging off little public sociabilities. Being introverts, we're more self-aware than most people and sufficiently self-aware to know when we've had enough of ourselves. We will proportion the social versus the quiet time accordingly. It's really easy and makes for a pleasant life.
8
This is an interestingly self absorbed column masquerading as a call for civility. First, being rude implies you are actually hurting someone - but not going to a gathering of strangers does not in fact harm them. They don't know you. They don't care if you are there. Perhaps you should get over yourself.
Also, perhaps you should consider that you are damning people pretty broadly for a wide range of not necessarily similar activities. Cutting yourself off from you friends can be selfish and hurtful. It is not, however, equivalent to avoiding large social gatherings with strangers. People can be giving and kind - as the toddlers is your odd example - and still not like chatting with strangers on the bus. (Fun fact - I am generally not happier when people try to talk to me while I'm commuting. I'm usually trying to think. Second news flash - not everyone is the same!).
Every person has a limited amount of energy. You might consider that choosing not to spend those resources on idle chit chat and small talk could help some people use that energy for more worthwhile things, like being there for the people who actually matter to them.
Also, perhaps you should consider that you are damning people pretty broadly for a wide range of not necessarily similar activities. Cutting yourself off from you friends can be selfish and hurtful. It is not, however, equivalent to avoiding large social gatherings with strangers. People can be giving and kind - as the toddlers is your odd example - and still not like chatting with strangers on the bus. (Fun fact - I am generally not happier when people try to talk to me while I'm commuting. I'm usually trying to think. Second news flash - not everyone is the same!).
Every person has a limited amount of energy. You might consider that choosing not to spend those resources on idle chit chat and small talk could help some people use that energy for more worthwhile things, like being there for the people who actually matter to them.
16
One thing worse than wasting my time with trivial social obligations is wasting my time reading weak arguments about why I should force myself to participate.
Would I help a stranger in need? Of course.
Do I enjoy milling around with strangers at a party. Not particularly.
Kindly leave me alone.
Would I help a stranger in need? Of course.
Do I enjoy milling around with strangers at a party. Not particularly.
Kindly leave me alone.
18
Please excuse me, I must decline your invitation to feel needless guilt over my social preferences.
14
"I’m not just being a little rude to the individual people around me, I’m being uncivil in a larger sense."
well - no - you are not and if you think you are then you need a better sense of self - do what makes you happy - how tough is that?
well - no - you are not and if you think you are then you need a better sense of self - do what makes you happy - how tough is that?
11
Historically, there's always been suspicion directed at individuals who are less social. The word 'loner' has nothing but negative connotations. If you don't go to the party, you are 'anti-social', which is never a compliment.
I don't go to the party, or the company picnic, or the college reunion, the baby shower, the graduation. I'm intensely shy and decided twenty years ago to avoid being uncomfortable socially as often as possible.
Maybe that's selfish. Maybe it's logical. Social anxiety is a real condition.
I joke that my dream job is hermit. I need to be alone in order to later venture into the world and get things done. I go to work. I shop. I bank. I eat in restaurants. I even enjoy crowded places - the Hollywood Bowl, Dodger Stadium, Disneyland.
But riding a bus or an elevator can be torture. Being confined with strangers, especially the ones who can't shut up, is my personal hell. I can't wait to escape.
Solitude is soothing. I can recover from the world. If I'm judged selfish or aloof, so be it.
I don't go to the party, or the company picnic, or the college reunion, the baby shower, the graduation. I'm intensely shy and decided twenty years ago to avoid being uncomfortable socially as often as possible.
Maybe that's selfish. Maybe it's logical. Social anxiety is a real condition.
I joke that my dream job is hermit. I need to be alone in order to later venture into the world and get things done. I go to work. I shop. I bank. I eat in restaurants. I even enjoy crowded places - the Hollywood Bowl, Dodger Stadium, Disneyland.
But riding a bus or an elevator can be torture. Being confined with strangers, especially the ones who can't shut up, is my personal hell. I can't wait to escape.
Solitude is soothing. I can recover from the world. If I'm judged selfish or aloof, so be it.
6
I doubt men call it selfishness. As a 50-something woman, I recently tried the George Costanza approach and did the opposite of what I would normally do. I stopped worrying so much at work, and I started doing things I enjoy, not the things I felt guilted into (in my own mind) doing outside of work. The funniest thing is I just earned a big raise and promotion, one that I hadn't been seeking. It might be diminishing levels of oxytocin, but I don't feel as inclined at this stage of life to do things because it's expected.
7
I have struggled with these issues all my life.
I am not a joiner by nature, but when I am in a group social setting, I feel compelled to participate fully. Because I'm a good actress, many people who know me believe that I'm an extrovert. I realized long ago that asking other people intelligent, open-ended questions that build on their prior comments while maintaining warm eye contact is the essence of social charm.
But now that I have reached a point in life of having more control over my time and choices, I submit to social settings less and less frequently. I love to read, to cook, to walk my dogs, and to simply be. I find myself avoiding the phone in favor of texting and emailing and putting off or avoiding entirely all but the most important gatherings. It turns out that this is who I really am.
My advice to the young: try your best to figure out who you are, socially and otherwise, then try to design a life that fits you with minimal strain.
I am not a joiner by nature, but when I am in a group social setting, I feel compelled to participate fully. Because I'm a good actress, many people who know me believe that I'm an extrovert. I realized long ago that asking other people intelligent, open-ended questions that build on their prior comments while maintaining warm eye contact is the essence of social charm.
But now that I have reached a point in life of having more control over my time and choices, I submit to social settings less and less frequently. I love to read, to cook, to walk my dogs, and to simply be. I find myself avoiding the phone in favor of texting and emailing and putting off or avoiding entirely all but the most important gatherings. It turns out that this is who I really am.
My advice to the young: try your best to figure out who you are, socially and otherwise, then try to design a life that fits you with minimal strain.
23
I agree with the commenter who suspects that Ms Dell'Antonia isn't a true introvert. How is the self-preservation involved in occasionally seeking to avoid stressful situations- such as big parties - rude? And while I appreciated "Quiet" because it made me realize that, as an extreme introvert, I'm not alone, I certainly dispute the claim that it's changed the culture in any way. Extroverts are more successful socially and in the workplace, and generally have a much easier time of it than introverts, who are constantly working at cross-purposes with their inherent natures. I haven't seen that situation change, and I don't expect to. Is Ms Dell'Antonia so hard up for subject matter that she has to insult introverts by calling us "rude" as well?
17
Move to an island. We've got a bunch of 'em out here. Get a dog. Send postcard to the relatives. Embrace your solitude. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Selfishly lovely.
Selfishly lovely.
11
I think by doing this over the years, I have unintentionally offended other ladies. Sometimes I look back and wish I had forced myself to just go to the social gatherings. I think finding a balance is good, I now go to things every once in a while. when I was younger and an art student, I thought it was cool to be anti-social. I traveled around Europe on my own and loved it, yet I cherish the people I connected with and feel love for them all these years later. I want to look back years from now and feel the same about this time in my life. so I will make an effort to be social and be involved even when I don't want to. Just not ALL the time!
3
Much of this intro/extro-version debate is just the obsession to classify people. I may not understand you, but if I label you introvert/extrovert, liberal/conservative, artistic/analytic, feeling/thinking, then I trick myself into thinking I know you.
Growing up in a red-state, insular and privileged WASP culture, I was bombarded with nonsense on how to market myself, be aggressive, be assertive, twist every social interaction into a networking opportunity, get into the right prep school, right college, right fraternity/sorority, right debutante ball, identify with the right sports team, go to the right church, join the Junior League or Jaycees, to get anywhere in life. And if this didn't come easily, or I just wasn't interested, then my attitude was to blame; I was throwing away opportunities my parents had worked hard for. Surrounded by this ideology, one eventually believes it. This is how brainwashing, and conversely alienation works.
I was lucky. End of 9th grade I was kicked out of my snooty prep school (or “counseled to consider other options”) and thrown into a good working-class public high school, went on to a great majority Jewish university, and after that worked in social services and education in the Hispanic immigrant community. These were fun, broadening experiences I never would've had, had I worked harder at playing the game and fitting into the small stagnant pond I was born into, obsessively glad-handing people I really didn't want to be with.
Growing up in a red-state, insular and privileged WASP culture, I was bombarded with nonsense on how to market myself, be aggressive, be assertive, twist every social interaction into a networking opportunity, get into the right prep school, right college, right fraternity/sorority, right debutante ball, identify with the right sports team, go to the right church, join the Junior League or Jaycees, to get anywhere in life. And if this didn't come easily, or I just wasn't interested, then my attitude was to blame; I was throwing away opportunities my parents had worked hard for. Surrounded by this ideology, one eventually believes it. This is how brainwashing, and conversely alienation works.
I was lucky. End of 9th grade I was kicked out of my snooty prep school (or “counseled to consider other options”) and thrown into a good working-class public high school, went on to a great majority Jewish university, and after that worked in social services and education in the Hispanic immigrant community. These were fun, broadening experiences I never would've had, had I worked harder at playing the game and fitting into the small stagnant pond I was born into, obsessively glad-handing people I really didn't want to be with.
15
What I find rude and obnoxious is the systematic of shaming and guilt-tripping of extroverts to bully introverts to be more like they are. Of course extroverts like socializing. What passes for it these days is largely self-promotion and bragging. So rude.
21
I cannot speak for all introverts. But I can say that I am introverted, and that social interaction is often exhausting for me. Also, although I am willing to speak my mind in a professional setting, I am shy in a personal setting.
People with whom I work would find these revelations astonishing (fortunately, they do not read the NYT). Once, I attended a workshop where the leader assessed that I spend most of my professional life in an "out there" space, and so needed the remainder of my time for quiet. Smart guy.
Kindly reserve judgment. Some of us have no energy for social interactions - we are neither snooty, nor uppity - we simply have no bandwidth. TYVM.
People with whom I work would find these revelations astonishing (fortunately, they do not read the NYT). Once, I attended a workshop where the leader assessed that I spend most of my professional life in an "out there" space, and so needed the remainder of my time for quiet. Smart guy.
Kindly reserve judgment. Some of us have no energy for social interactions - we are neither snooty, nor uppity - we simply have no bandwidth. TYVM.
9
I can be very social when I need to be, particularly at work, but I am hardly a social butterfly. But I am not an introvert. I would have described myself as one at one time, but after seeing all the me, me, me attitudes expressed in the name of introverts lately (and not just here) I have disassociated myself.
I think a lot of self-described introverts are really covert narcissists. Yes, that's a real thing, and has been recognized by psychology for as long as their more famous overt counterparts.
I think a lot of self-described introverts are really covert narcissists. Yes, that's a real thing, and has been recognized by psychology for as long as their more famous overt counterparts.
1
This entire topic - of introversion versus extroversion - is extremely complicated and this short column doesn't do it justice. In fact, in its attempt to be clever, it feels very much like it does it an injustice.
One major issue that I believe introverts encounter (over and over) is the cocktail party conversation where they, inevitably and yet again, ask the stranger all about themself - without a reciprocal interest and queries on the part of the stranger. I have spent so many hours asking others about their lives and listening to them without a give and take that I end up wondering if anyone was ever taught good manners? Many extroverts (not all!) seem to forget that there are two people involved in the conversation. For those of us with social anxiety to begin with, these one-sided conversations are exhausting and sad.
In any event, this column was inconsistent and not helpful. I read it because I had hoped for a little guidance. I found none...
One major issue that I believe introverts encounter (over and over) is the cocktail party conversation where they, inevitably and yet again, ask the stranger all about themself - without a reciprocal interest and queries on the part of the stranger. I have spent so many hours asking others about their lives and listening to them without a give and take that I end up wondering if anyone was ever taught good manners? Many extroverts (not all!) seem to forget that there are two people involved in the conversation. For those of us with social anxiety to begin with, these one-sided conversations are exhausting and sad.
In any event, this column was inconsistent and not helpful. I read it because I had hoped for a little guidance. I found none...
9
If you have to ask...
Saying yes to things, such as large events, that you know you do not personally enjoy might open you up to new people and new opportunities, it MIGHT. But, if you're old enough (like I am) to know from experience that it will most likely make you miserable and require you to put on a fake face around people who you mostly do not enjoy being around, I think t's perfectly reasonable to reserve the right to skip it and stay at home. When I die, I'm happy to look back and say "ah, yes, I choose my own path, I only did what I felt was in my best interests."
11
Too many of them boil down to just that one thing: We care more about ourselves than about the needs of others. No one can fulfill the needs of an introvert, except of course themself. Its self-preservation not selfishness when they put their own needs first.
4
It goes beyond people being shy or rude. Just this week I attended a club for an interest group. I was giving up a function for the club and asked that someone else take it over. The folks there didn't make eye contact and it reminded me of high school when the teacher asked a question. Not impressive. It is a matter of adults not wanting responsibility.
1
"...once the “introvert” label came to imply a deep thinker with a rich inner life rather than a lone gunman."
On the other hand, I'd rather face an introverted lone gunman than an angry mob of armed extroverts.
On the other hand, I'd rather face an introverted lone gunman than an angry mob of armed extroverts.
4
Shyness or introversion are not an excuse for being rude; but declining invitations to socialize - provided it is done courteously - is not rudeness. The problem, sometimes, is that the shyness is so severe that even mustering a polite rsvp regrets in person can be a challenge.
I think there is value in stretching your boundaries. Some years ago the pharmaceutical industry promoted a drug for shyness. Preposterous and unhealthy as that might be, there are more than a few 'Big Bang' raj characters out there who need a few drinks to kickstart the larynx.
But I do think excessive shyness is a serious enough problem - especially among young people - that schools should be screening for it and promoting activities to counter it. Sports and theatre, for example, are excellent venues for brining kids out of their shell. Addressing it early can prevent a lifetime of awkwardness, frustration and loneliness.
I think there is value in stretching your boundaries. Some years ago the pharmaceutical industry promoted a drug for shyness. Preposterous and unhealthy as that might be, there are more than a few 'Big Bang' raj characters out there who need a few drinks to kickstart the larynx.
But I do think excessive shyness is a serious enough problem - especially among young people - that schools should be screening for it and promoting activities to counter it. Sports and theatre, for example, are excellent venues for brining kids out of their shell. Addressing it early can prevent a lifetime of awkwardness, frustration and loneliness.
4
Manners and social obligations grease the gears that run society. I chit chat with people who come through the office. I shake hands with people in Church and wish them peace - and I mean it. I am polite and friendly to store clerks and I only yell at other drivers when my windows are closed. I fought the good fight; I ran the race; I have kept the faith.
Back in another lifetime I learned how to give presentations with verve and confidence - but I was on autopilot, running through a performance of a character I invented to play me.
Being introverted and wanting time alone, to turn off the persona that you use to fake your way through a world that likes its extroverts, is not selfishness. It is survival.
If I have to adapt to meet others' expectations of who I should be, people can take five and adapt occasionally to who I really am. It is just good manners.
Back in another lifetime I learned how to give presentations with verve and confidence - but I was on autopilot, running through a performance of a character I invented to play me.
Being introverted and wanting time alone, to turn off the persona that you use to fake your way through a world that likes its extroverts, is not selfishness. It is survival.
If I have to adapt to meet others' expectations of who I should be, people can take five and adapt occasionally to who I really am. It is just good manners.
10
In the corporate world I always avoided Xmas parties or any company sponsored optional get together, and I never regretted it. You spend 40 hours per week and up with those people, why sacrifice what little free time you have to be with them even more? It just seemed ridiculous to me. Why must we continually huddle together in tribes? By opting out I think I also gave courage to others that were on the fence. Selfish? Well that label can be applied just as appropriately to extroverts, with the thesis that they are seeking validation, status or power. And rude? Funny, but even if I was rude, I'm so deliciously isolated now in retirement that there's no one receive that rudeness. Take that team players --I suppose loneliness awaits you.
12
Being introverted is not rude, in fact, in specific instances is highly desirable trait in business situations, where thoughtful decisions are to be made.. This BBC podcast covers the science and research behind it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p045445z
I hope this will make people understand introvertedness.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p045445z
I hope this will make people understand introvertedness.
2
Introvert and shy aren't synonyms. Introvert vs. extrovert has to do with what energizes us. If, after a party, you need time to yourself to recover, you are an introvert. If, after a party, you are energized by the conversation and atmosphere, you are an extrovert. Likewise for solitary pursuits: if you are energized by them, you're an introvert; if you need to go be around people after a few hours alone at home, you're an extrovert.
If your energy comes from the amazing things your brain does when not at a party - how is this rude? You might be writing the next great book, creating art for the world, or doing any number of things that satisfy both you and others. Or satisfy just you, but what good are you to anyone if you're miserable in the bathroom at a party?
A few close friends and many interests = all good! No need to equate it with shy, bad, or rude. It's merely a personality. Have a look at Myers-Briggs' description. I haven't read the book you mentioned, but I think it might be more useful.
If your energy comes from the amazing things your brain does when not at a party - how is this rude? You might be writing the next great book, creating art for the world, or doing any number of things that satisfy both you and others. Or satisfy just you, but what good are you to anyone if you're miserable in the bathroom at a party?
A few close friends and many interests = all good! No need to equate it with shy, bad, or rude. It's merely a personality. Have a look at Myers-Briggs' description. I haven't read the book you mentioned, but I think it might be more useful.
5
You connect with people just fine, Ms Dell'Antonia, you just do it with the written word as a writer and over the internet.
4
We're all innately selfish. We interact with others for what we seek to receive from them. We are not social animals, except to the extent that socializing serves to benefit us. If you don't like socializing, it's likely because you don't see as there's much to gain from it for you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way. The social butterflies might not like that you don't care to be a flower in their garden, but let 'em find others who do. They always will.
The first thing I did when I made enough money to feel like I didn't need to socialize for business was that I quit socializing for business. Because socializing for business is just a civilized version of Hobbes' war of all against all. Everyone's on the make.
Socializing with or for family is often worse than for business, but you feel you sort of should, out of some sense of obligation you have to your family, even if there are no real economic ties to speak of. But it can be as Hobbesian as business socializing.
And there is no such thing as adult friends. If you want a friend, get a dog. Everyone else, including family, only cares for what they can get from you. Dogs are that way too, but so long as you're good to them, they'll be good to you. Can't say the same for people.
The first thing I did when I made enough money to feel like I didn't need to socialize for business was that I quit socializing for business. Because socializing for business is just a civilized version of Hobbes' war of all against all. Everyone's on the make.
Socializing with or for family is often worse than for business, but you feel you sort of should, out of some sense of obligation you have to your family, even if there are no real economic ties to speak of. But it can be as Hobbesian as business socializing.
And there is no such thing as adult friends. If you want a friend, get a dog. Everyone else, including family, only cares for what they can get from you. Dogs are that way too, but so long as you're good to them, they'll be good to you. Can't say the same for people.
3
This article is really annoying. So I'm being selfish if I stay home to avoid boring parties where people talk about nothing? I owe it to them to attend? Why? Do they owe me anything in return? I've raised two kids, worked in education for 23 years, and fulfilled every single obligation I've ever had, while being kind and courteous to just about everyone. I was always popular with my peers, from kindergarten through graduate school, and made friends easily. I love to meet friends for lunch or dinner a few at a time, but I have always abhorred large gatherings even if I know every single person in the room. It isn't about making small talk- I'm a very skilled listener and conversationalist. I just prefer the peace and quiet of my own home and my own thoughts. There is nothing wrong with that in a world where people often talk too much about too little; I find it's exhausting to be around. To suggest that it's selfish to stay home is not respectful of the fact that perfectly well adjusted, functional people like myself might not appreciate the pointless and general trivial nature of most social gatherings. Not everyone wants to have their picture taken, or sit with people they don't know, or be expected to witness or to participate in harmless but mindless social rituals. I did not attend my own undergraduate or graduate commencement ceremonies because it was too much hoopla to deal with. Selfish? I think not.
36
Yes - but so what? Accept it and live on.
1
Maybe most of us are introverts at heart. But I do think we need to greet others, to add to the party by trying to strike up interesting conversations, even to be funny. The idea of a party is to have fun, to enjoy each other's company,to get to know somebody new. It really bugs me when I have a dinner party and one or two of my guests seems to be sulking, not making a small effort to engage in conversation -- to contribute to the party. Come on, introverts. It's fun. Get to know other people. Don't be so self-absorbed. And then after the party, or the next night, go home and read your book. Yeah, we all need solitude too.
2
Introversion, rudeness, whatever.
The problem is when the introvert occasionally decides to come out of his or her shell, looking for company.
My father was a selfish introvert who generally preferred to lock himself up with a book or go for long runs by himself -- and then wondered why we weren't thrilled with the blessing of his company when he sporadically, randomly felt like being sociable.
Investing in social bonds can be time-consuming and exhausting -- but also pay wonderful, heartwarming dividends. If you want to avoid neighbors, shun co-workers, ignore family and otherwise shirk social obligations -- fine, but be prepared to find you have fewer doors to knock on when you need help or succor or comfort or just plain old companionship.
The problem is when the introvert occasionally decides to come out of his or her shell, looking for company.
My father was a selfish introvert who generally preferred to lock himself up with a book or go for long runs by himself -- and then wondered why we weren't thrilled with the blessing of his company when he sporadically, randomly felt like being sociable.
Investing in social bonds can be time-consuming and exhausting -- but also pay wonderful, heartwarming dividends. If you want to avoid neighbors, shun co-workers, ignore family and otherwise shirk social obligations -- fine, but be prepared to find you have fewer doors to knock on when you need help or succor or comfort or just plain old companionship.
14
Yes, it's often difficult to know when we've crossed the line between taking care of our needs and being self-indulgent twits. For me, it's difficult to understand why it's important to others that I "show up," as I am someone who would, on most occasions, rather be alone. But, I have come to accept that I can appreciate the feelings and needs of others, even if I cannot identify with them. And, for some, the presence of another individual, reluctant or not, is important. In a sense, just showing up for them--whether for a dinner, a party, or some other event--is like giving a gift.
11
An introvert should divert himself to be an extrovert when necessary and then revert back to his true self when the occasion is over. He needs not be converted into one.
3
So I am really being selfish when I would rather not socialize at that same boisterous, super-outgoing salespersons convention that I was required to attend as a "reward" for beating the company record for closings? No thanks, I prefer to have dinner in my hotel room alone then retire to the hotel bar where if someone wants to talk to me (after my listening to them yak yak all day long) they can buy me a drink first.
7
It never occurred to me it might be rude to beg off on an engagement or to even not show at all -- I never had enough self-esteem to believe my attendance mattered one way or the other. When I was a painfully shy child, the other kids said I was stuck up and thought myself better than them. I didn't have the words --- or the sense of my own agency -- to say, "I'm not better than you, I'm terrified of you." It's better now. I can pass as a fairly outgoing adult, esp. with a couple of glasses of wine under my belt. But I still go through the world not picking up the phone to invite someone out for a drink or a coffee date because I don't want to bother anyone.
11
Can you post that link to the t-shirt?
4
Introversion is too often mistaken for shyness, lack of confidence or low self-esteem. Often, I find that the person who speaks most at a gathering is usually the one with the lowest self-esteem and working double-time to overcompensate for it. They are also often quite rude and inconsiderate of others, rarely yielding to share the space and letting others talk. They have a difficult time not being the center of attention.
Many of the commenters here who identify as introverted, and confidently assert that they are such through experience, self-analysis, and freedom of choice, are people I would probably become friends with and find interesting to be around and talk to. We would likely have much to talk about without having to venture into nearly the same conversation every time about job, house, children, and sports teams. In the places that many extroverts like to gather, there is often too much noise and interruptions to focus on any depth of conversation anyway.
Introversion is also often wrongly assigned to a person who does not feel like standing around in noisy groups drinking and chit-chatting. I rarely turn down requests from a friend to DO something that engages my mind or body, or to give a friend a hand when they need help, or to have a meaningful conversation or interaction. I teach my kids to do the same, just as I teach them that sitting around watching TV or repeating the same stories over and over creates a dull mind.
Many of the commenters here who identify as introverted, and confidently assert that they are such through experience, self-analysis, and freedom of choice, are people I would probably become friends with and find interesting to be around and talk to. We would likely have much to talk about without having to venture into nearly the same conversation every time about job, house, children, and sports teams. In the places that many extroverts like to gather, there is often too much noise and interruptions to focus on any depth of conversation anyway.
Introversion is also often wrongly assigned to a person who does not feel like standing around in noisy groups drinking and chit-chatting. I rarely turn down requests from a friend to DO something that engages my mind or body, or to give a friend a hand when they need help, or to have a meaningful conversation or interaction. I teach my kids to do the same, just as I teach them that sitting around watching TV or repeating the same stories over and over creates a dull mind.
5
In my life, I knew one woman who did not talk about herself.
I adored her.
I adored her.
6
I don't consider myself an introvert. I just don't like loud, large gatherings where everyone, often near-strangers, is performing, in a way. Mainly I simply am So bored by it all.
I Do like small-say, six people--dinner parties where I can focus on everyone and they on me. I come out of those evenings elevated by the others and in a better mood--unless someone gets drunk.
I Do like small-say, six people--dinner parties where I can focus on everyone and they on me. I come out of those evenings elevated by the others and in a better mood--unless someone gets drunk.
4
What does choosing to not attend social occasions have to do with being rude? I don't even get the connection. People who enjoy those things should go, by all means!! And people who don't shouldn't go! I try to always be as kind as I can be to everyone I'm around and that includes me! Not seeking out the company of someone new does not make me rude. What a strange concept.
I don't need to attend "big gatherings of strangers" to participate in the larger civil society. That's such a narrow definition of what it means to participate. Like taopraxie, I wonder if this writer really is an introvert. Being shy is not the same as being an introvert, and it sounds as if she's confused the two.
I don't need to attend "big gatherings of strangers" to participate in the larger civil society. That's such a narrow definition of what it means to participate. Like taopraxie, I wonder if this writer really is an introvert. Being shy is not the same as being an introvert, and it sounds as if she's confused the two.
18
Within the last week or so the Times had an article about which people value more: time or money. Hands down, always and forever, time is what matters to me. Social life generally, potlucks, any time spent somewhere other than my apartment (where I really really want to be) is robbing me of my time to be. To be. When it is suggested to me that I am isolating myself - which can be a slippery slope for some - I think, I am by nature rather solitary. I don't want claims on my time and when I offer my time/my company I generally say how long I can participate. The thing is: when I am out in the world doing this and that, I am outgoing and funny and the encounters are fun. But when I want to be/to just be, I am always alone and grateful for it.
87
All of these 'personality definers for the layperson' are just that, nothing more than a skimming of the surface of the definition of a word that sounds exotic. The trick is that it all has everything to do with social class, political strata, gender role appreciation, and money. For example:
Republicans are traditionalists = Republicans live in the past for safety reasons.
Democrats are socialists = Democrats are free-loaders living off of Republicans.
Women love family and cats = Women are not interested in the day-to-day workings of career.
Men live only for the legacy they will leave behind = Men are not present in their own lives.
Etc., etc..
It is all social construct.
What do you care if other people think you are rude IF you don't want to indulge those people in the first place? I wonder, often, about those people who run to meet every invitation. Do you suppose that they care about the family just two houses down from theirs; the family who will soon be evicted and homeless because of a illness or accident? Or will they simply chalk it up to laziness, drugs, and stupidity when they see the vacant house/apartment next Monday on their way to work?
Actually, if I don't show up to an invitation it may be that I don't like you, or I can't stay up that late, or I can't afford to hire a babysitter at the moment, or my marriage is difficult and I am trying to balance it, or that I have accepted a commitment already, or that my 3 year old daughter has a sore throat.
Republicans are traditionalists = Republicans live in the past for safety reasons.
Democrats are socialists = Democrats are free-loaders living off of Republicans.
Women love family and cats = Women are not interested in the day-to-day workings of career.
Men live only for the legacy they will leave behind = Men are not present in their own lives.
Etc., etc..
It is all social construct.
What do you care if other people think you are rude IF you don't want to indulge those people in the first place? I wonder, often, about those people who run to meet every invitation. Do you suppose that they care about the family just two houses down from theirs; the family who will soon be evicted and homeless because of a illness or accident? Or will they simply chalk it up to laziness, drugs, and stupidity when they see the vacant house/apartment next Monday on their way to work?
Actually, if I don't show up to an invitation it may be that I don't like you, or I can't stay up that late, or I can't afford to hire a babysitter at the moment, or my marriage is difficult and I am trying to balance it, or that I have accepted a commitment already, or that my 3 year old daughter has a sore throat.
3
A couple of observations:
1) Is it not possible to compensate for one's introversion/rudeness, whatever it is, in other ways than forced merry participation in activities that make one uncomfortable? For example, one-on-one, quieter encounters in place of one's cousin's son's/daughter's graduation party one failed to attend. And if then the graduate claims they don't have time, what was the purpose of the invitation in the first place?
2) The people who love to interact in activities in groups -- are they absolved of caring about the needs of others who may be more reserved, because they are in the majority and certainly, these days, the dominant group? And when they and the introverted/rude do meet in one of these group events, are they required to make the same effort not to be rude that the reserved person is expected to make, even if they find the reserved person, say, boring? I hope so.
3) I hate to make this gruesome, but when we die, who will show up at whatever event occurs in our memory and who would we (and those close to us) want to show up? The people who will be emotionally affected for some length of time, or the people who have come for the event? I remember being appalled as a teenager at the funeral of one of my grandmothers. There were the family and her old-lady friends who were crying over their loss, and those who were there for the food and drink. Who was rude in that case?
1) Is it not possible to compensate for one's introversion/rudeness, whatever it is, in other ways than forced merry participation in activities that make one uncomfortable? For example, one-on-one, quieter encounters in place of one's cousin's son's/daughter's graduation party one failed to attend. And if then the graduate claims they don't have time, what was the purpose of the invitation in the first place?
2) The people who love to interact in activities in groups -- are they absolved of caring about the needs of others who may be more reserved, because they are in the majority and certainly, these days, the dominant group? And when they and the introverted/rude do meet in one of these group events, are they required to make the same effort not to be rude that the reserved person is expected to make, even if they find the reserved person, say, boring? I hope so.
3) I hate to make this gruesome, but when we die, who will show up at whatever event occurs in our memory and who would we (and those close to us) want to show up? The people who will be emotionally affected for some length of time, or the people who have come for the event? I remember being appalled as a teenager at the funeral of one of my grandmothers. There were the family and her old-lady friends who were crying over their loss, and those who were there for the food and drink. Who was rude in that case?
1
I think it's a mistake to pose the question in terms of introversion or rudeness. We always have the option to meet others' needs (generosity) in any realm of life. Likewise, meeting one's own needs is certainly a legitimate choice. Making a 'stretch' beyond one's comfort zone can be fruitful, or risky. Introversion/extroversion is about preference, not a pre-determined course of action. And of course, preference is fluid.
1
Great column, although I take a little exception to "selfishness" given the guilt we attach to it [based on the following.]
1. Try considering what you're talking about as "private time." One of the most relevant, helpful mentors I've ever had [the late Wally Minto [sp.]] used to teach about this. His theory was in the main that EVERYBODY had some need for private time and the trick was to figure out what YOUR need was.
For example, he could lead seminars and be in demand full time for a week or even weeks but what he needed for private time was to go stay in his woodland cabin for several days at least. The whole theory allowed me to resolve a 20 year issue for myself: When I am in intensely public events I need to have a 10-15 "private time" [not a public luncheon for instance.] Knowing this, allowed me to participate in many things I might have passed up.
Thanks for your article.
1. Try considering what you're talking about as "private time." One of the most relevant, helpful mentors I've ever had [the late Wally Minto [sp.]] used to teach about this. His theory was in the main that EVERYBODY had some need for private time and the trick was to figure out what YOUR need was.
For example, he could lead seminars and be in demand full time for a week or even weeks but what he needed for private time was to go stay in his woodland cabin for several days at least. The whole theory allowed me to resolve a 20 year issue for myself: When I am in intensely public events I need to have a 10-15 "private time" [not a public luncheon for instance.] Knowing this, allowed me to participate in many things I might have passed up.
Thanks for your article.
2
My husband is a self proclaimed introvert. Trust me, it is simply an excuse to not interact with people he considers boring, beneath him, or less interesting than himself. It's not complicated. It's not good.
People are just now starting to understand what it even means to be introverted. Maybe wait a few years before declaring we've gone "overboard".
1
It's about managing expectations. People can't read your mind. It's up to you to help people understand you. It's only rude if you show up and sulk, or if you make promises you can't keep.
However, you will have a harder time justifying your behavior if you benefit from the "work" your friends put into your relationships and you yourself never reach out or make contributions. It's not right to expect others to do all of the work, either.
However, you will have a harder time justifying your behavior if you benefit from the "work" your friends put into your relationships and you yourself never reach out or make contributions. It's not right to expect others to do all of the work, either.
5
There are many reasons why we sometimes feel the urge to withdraw from those around us. Sometimes it can be a sign of depression. Sometimes it is the desire not to confront a situation with another or we are uncomfortable with ourselves for some reason and it seems easier to withdraw. Sometimes withdrawal is just an attempt to come in contact with ourselves. and not subject to the push and pull of others. Introverts as a sign of their introversion will constantly attempt to figure all these things out and sometimes this only leads to deeper introversion. We need to just give ourselves a break and sometimes allow the mood to work itself out. But if it is hurting our ability to function in the world sometimes it is necessary to talk to someone to help us see our possible depression. When things are like that we need help to know if we need help. If we possess enough self knowledge we can awaken compassion not only for ourselves but those suffering around us.
2
"...the “introvert” label came to imply a deep thinker with a rich inner life rather than a lone gunman."
Abe Lincoln: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
But I suppose I'm really "rude" since I don't use social media to constantly keep the world informed as to my doings, comings or going, nor do I keep a I Phone by my side and turned on all the time.
In fact, my only "social medium" other than an occasional comment in the NY Times is an email message with two more recipients in the address line.
Abe Lincoln: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
But I suppose I'm really "rude" since I don't use social media to constantly keep the world informed as to my doings, comings or going, nor do I keep a I Phone by my side and turned on all the time.
In fact, my only "social medium" other than an occasional comment in the NY Times is an email message with two more recipients in the address line.
2
I can definitely relate.
I am naturally on the shy side and that has increased as I have gotten older (I am 63). I am friendly and polite to people I encounter in my daily business but shy away from trying to develop closer bonds with acquaintances and strangers.
I absolutely abhor parries and make every excuse I can think of not to go to one. One of the best things about being retired for me is not having to go to company holiday parties. I cannot begin to describe how uncomfortable I was at them and I couldn't get out of going because I was a member of my company's senior management. As soon as I thought I could get away with leaving I would discretely head for the exit.
Part of the reason for my social avoidance behavior is that over my 63 years I have been repeatedly disappointed by people and I want to limit my interactions so as to avoid that disappointment and rejection.
I have been married for 34 years and my wife is naturally shy and reserved also. We are content to just spend time with eachother and maybe one or two other close friends who we trust and feel comfortable with. I don't see that changing as we get older.
I see nothing wrong with being true to yourself. People can either accept it or not.
I am naturally on the shy side and that has increased as I have gotten older (I am 63). I am friendly and polite to people I encounter in my daily business but shy away from trying to develop closer bonds with acquaintances and strangers.
I absolutely abhor parries and make every excuse I can think of not to go to one. One of the best things about being retired for me is not having to go to company holiday parties. I cannot begin to describe how uncomfortable I was at them and I couldn't get out of going because I was a member of my company's senior management. As soon as I thought I could get away with leaving I would discretely head for the exit.
Part of the reason for my social avoidance behavior is that over my 63 years I have been repeatedly disappointed by people and I want to limit my interactions so as to avoid that disappointment and rejection.
I have been married for 34 years and my wife is naturally shy and reserved also. We are content to just spend time with eachother and maybe one or two other close friends who we trust and feel comfortable with. I don't see that changing as we get older.
I see nothing wrong with being true to yourself. People can either accept it or not.
25
I have to laugh that the author's two interactions cited to show "that prosocial behavior makes us happier" do not involve interactions with other people.
As an introvert, I'm bemused by most of the recent media attention. We've always been around and always will be. Quite often I 'extend myself' with social grace toward the jazzed-up extrovert taking 7X too many word to express a simple concept. Or perhaps circling around it without ever actually getting quite there.
Extroverts, you're in the majority and you get to define the social norms and workplace idealizations. Have at it. But no guilt on my end for opting out when I can.
As an introvert, I'm bemused by most of the recent media attention. We've always been around and always will be. Quite often I 'extend myself' with social grace toward the jazzed-up extrovert taking 7X too many word to express a simple concept. Or perhaps circling around it without ever actually getting quite there.
Extroverts, you're in the majority and you get to define the social norms and workplace idealizations. Have at it. But no guilt on my end for opting out when I can.
28
AMEN! Being introverted doesn't give you permission to ignore people you know, to not say thank you, or to ignore emails and phone calls.
My impression is that introverts recharge by being alone and prefer to be in a group of one or two; extroverts recharge by being with others, sometimes the more the merrier. Both extroverts and introverts can be rude, but indifference, if not hostility, to others is not part of the intrinsic definition of either category.
My impression is that introverts recharge by being alone and prefer to be in a group of one or two; extroverts recharge by being with others, sometimes the more the merrier. Both extroverts and introverts can be rude, but indifference, if not hostility, to others is not part of the intrinsic definition of either category.
56
I believe it's rude to interrupt (by making a late entrance), to not show up when I've promised to be there, to short-change the people I love most by sitting out their celebrations. Sitting in the car for a child's soccer game? Depends on the child--an introvert might be relieved to not have a parent cheering on the sidelines.
If it's not a matter of rudeness, attendance at social events is purely optional to me. I think of it as going to the gym: I know I'll feel better afterward, but it's not a moral failing. It's how I choose to live my one precious life. Acceptance of my own deepest nature is a gift I've worked many years to achieve.
For those who aren't introverts, I hope you enjoy the party. For this introvert, I'm enjoying my Times, my book, my pets, my couch. Life is good!
If it's not a matter of rudeness, attendance at social events is purely optional to me. I think of it as going to the gym: I know I'll feel better afterward, but it's not a moral failing. It's how I choose to live my one precious life. Acceptance of my own deepest nature is a gift I've worked many years to achieve.
For those who aren't introverts, I hope you enjoy the party. For this introvert, I'm enjoying my Times, my book, my pets, my couch. Life is good!
4
Perhaps it's sometimes an age related thing, and sometimes it's not.
* In career-building, one has to put up with many soul-depleting interactions to establish and grow oneself financially.
* When well-established, one still has to go through the motions to maintain.
* Once retired and immune to the need for ingratiation, one is free to say what is thought, mostly. Or just withdraw from social interactions that are no longer relevant.
I have found that liberating, but my curmudgeonly aspirations are still developing.
* I don't use social media or respond to those who do. Email is a wonderful form of asynchronous communication that does not burden either party to respond immediately.
* Even though I have a landline for my equally obsolete contacts, the machine picks up immediately and announces that overwhelming spam calls have required that we no longer answer, but a left message, IF WE KNOW YOU, will be answered. I welcome the silence.
* I have no guilt at googling the answers in crosswords that refer to any forms of pop culture that are not worth my neurons to know about.
* I welcome and initiate many interactions with family members, but "reunions" have always been deadly and to be avoided whenever possible. You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your family.
At any age, it's possible to form your life to exclude unwanted interactions while cultivating the ones you deem desirable for whatever reason.
* In career-building, one has to put up with many soul-depleting interactions to establish and grow oneself financially.
* When well-established, one still has to go through the motions to maintain.
* Once retired and immune to the need for ingratiation, one is free to say what is thought, mostly. Or just withdraw from social interactions that are no longer relevant.
I have found that liberating, but my curmudgeonly aspirations are still developing.
* I don't use social media or respond to those who do. Email is a wonderful form of asynchronous communication that does not burden either party to respond immediately.
* Even though I have a landline for my equally obsolete contacts, the machine picks up immediately and announces that overwhelming spam calls have required that we no longer answer, but a left message, IF WE KNOW YOU, will be answered. I welcome the silence.
* I have no guilt at googling the answers in crosswords that refer to any forms of pop culture that are not worth my neurons to know about.
* I welcome and initiate many interactions with family members, but "reunions" have always been deadly and to be avoided whenever possible. You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your family.
At any age, it's possible to form your life to exclude unwanted interactions while cultivating the ones you deem desirable for whatever reason.
5
Dear Ms. Dell'Antonia,
I believe you have have made a category error; introversion and rudeness really aren't the same kinds of phenomena. Introversion is an innate temperament setting not so much valued in our culture. To some extent, introverts have to work everyday to fit into the extrovert way of things. To be rude is to intentionally, or unintentionally and without apology, give offense or cause harm or inconvenience. Lack of manners, in my experience, afflicts both extroverts and introverts equally, and certainly involves not perceiving, understanding, or caring about the needs of others. I don't think that is at all related to where one falls on the introvert/extrovert continuum. Lots of people try really hard to behave well, in spite of their innate temperament, and of course, there are all kinds of thoughtless people too!
I believe you have have made a category error; introversion and rudeness really aren't the same kinds of phenomena. Introversion is an innate temperament setting not so much valued in our culture. To some extent, introverts have to work everyday to fit into the extrovert way of things. To be rude is to intentionally, or unintentionally and without apology, give offense or cause harm or inconvenience. Lack of manners, in my experience, afflicts both extroverts and introverts equally, and certainly involves not perceiving, understanding, or caring about the needs of others. I don't think that is at all related to where one falls on the introvert/extrovert continuum. Lots of people try really hard to behave well, in spite of their innate temperament, and of course, there are all kinds of thoughtless people too!
25
I just loved this column. I'm introverted and can be shy. It's such a fine line to walk to figure out what you owe yourself (boundaries) and what you owe others. I've always struggled with it. I think it comes down to your individual blend of traits. I still need to say "no" more than "yes" to protect myself. But my best moments of the day are often in public, from the quick smiles of social courtesies to my own impromptu comments with a stranger that surprise me.
3
I used to be shy and self-conscious but a few years ago my personality changed. I got much more confident and according to the Myers-Briggs test I am midway between introversion and extroversion. Now that I am mixing more I suppose I am somewhat less lonely but I still have no close friends. In fact I broke with the one I had because I refuse to be treated badly. Now that I can be objective about other people I see they are no good. Almost everyone is stupid and ignorant and I can see they are taught to be that way. Also most of them are selfish, although the poor are less selfish than the well off. I still like to socialize sometimes because it is fun to kid around with people, but I have no sympathy for the notion that one is obligated to mix because it is anti-social not to. In a society as rotten as this one it is good to be anti-social. I tend to think most other countries are not as bad but I don't really know.
6
"We care more about ourselves than about the needs of others". I take exception to that. After a lifetime of caring for others - children, spouses, parents, neighbors, co-workers, etc. - I think at my age (now 70 yrs old woman), it is about time for me to start caring more for myself. No one else is doing it. If something doesn't "bring me joy", I no longer want to to do it. That's not being rude, that is being sensible.
31
Thanks for a provocative article. I believe there is a great range of possibilities when one pushes oneself to participate: sinking deeper into the realization that the event was going to be painful; enjoying being in the periphery while others stoke the conversation; running into someone who is entertaining; questioning whether one is wanted or fits in; other. At bottom, one has to be honest with oneself about what is being felt and acting with integrity when reacting to that feeling. In this light, the Dale Carnegie approach is not the way.
4
"deeper connections are the easy ones. It’s the looser ties, the ones that have to be created or re-created at each meeting, that are tough."
What universe is this writer from, because it is not the one I know.
What universe is this writer from, because it is not the one I know.
6
I think when the extroverts shut up and let some silence build, then the introverts giving themselves a pass can step up. Why is it always the socially awkward who are supposed to change? Why is enjoying yourself by reading alone wronger than enjoying making small talk with people you don't know?
18
One could see extroverts as rude, just the same. The base line of behavior seems that on should be social, and that any real deviation constitutes some problem. Why not start the other way? Yes, humans are social beings, who live in families, create lasting friendships, romantic relationships etc. But using associations some party or how much a students speaks in class as a metric to gauge someone's potential rudeness seems simplistic.
Like the author, I avoid small talk, chit chat, not so much because I cannot contrive some badinage to start a conversation, but because it is entirely possible the other person would rather be left alone and he is just as disinterested as I am in some contrived exchange.
Maybe I am rude, but the person who comes up to me to start some banal conversation with someone who'd clearly rather not is just as rude then.
Like the author, I avoid small talk, chit chat, not so much because I cannot contrive some badinage to start a conversation, but because it is entirely possible the other person would rather be left alone and he is just as disinterested as I am in some contrived exchange.
Maybe I am rude, but the person who comes up to me to start some banal conversation with someone who'd clearly rather not is just as rude then.
4
I wonder--as usual--when are extraverts expected to give a little? To me, this article asks introverts--once again--to keep pace with the extroverted's definition of 'polite' or 'sociable'. When will they (extroverts) ever be asked to understand and respect our needs (introverts)? Jeesh! Unfortunately, this article made me feel--once again--like my personal needs are not as important as an extrovert's requirements of me.
20
I spent 58 years of my life fulfilling obligations so as not to appear rude. Two years ago I turned 60, and I suddenly realized that
1. I don't have to answer the phone just because someone calls.
2. "No thanks, I don't feel like it." is a perfectly good excuse to use when turning down an invitation.
3. If I don't enjoy someone's company more than I enjoy my own, I don't need to spend time with them.
By conventional standards, I guess these things are rude, but I no longer care. :)
1. I don't have to answer the phone just because someone calls.
2. "No thanks, I don't feel like it." is a perfectly good excuse to use when turning down an invitation.
3. If I don't enjoy someone's company more than I enjoy my own, I don't need to spend time with them.
By conventional standards, I guess these things are rude, but I no longer care. :)
28
I am an introvert who prefers to be alone, shuns large social gatherings, pointless meetings, and events where many go to "be seen," as much as is possible. When I do go out with groups of friends and colleagues, I feel awful the following day or two, depressed and drained, and need time to recover.
There is nothing selfish or rude about choosing quiet solitude. I enjoy brief, random conversations with strangers, cooking for friends, and small, intimate gatherings of a few people I truly like. The professional world of work and its cluster of social expectations is oppressive and alienating. Most interactions on that level are superficial and trite. So-called "networking" is just a fancy term that justifies making connections with people for their "use value."
Such motives for socializing goes against the grain of what I was taught growing up. My family prized generosity and informal, loud and lively gatherings with lots of food and none of the pretense or artificiality of the bourgeois professional milieu one enters when taking up a full time career in academia. For the sake of inner peace of mind, I stopped running the gamut of parties, big dinners out, weekly drink gatherings, etc, years ago. It is easy to get sucked into that whirlwind when one is new and working toward tenure and promotion. Giving yourself permission to not feel obligated to take up every invitation is liberating. It also keeps the credit card debt down.
There is nothing selfish or rude about choosing quiet solitude. I enjoy brief, random conversations with strangers, cooking for friends, and small, intimate gatherings of a few people I truly like. The professional world of work and its cluster of social expectations is oppressive and alienating. Most interactions on that level are superficial and trite. So-called "networking" is just a fancy term that justifies making connections with people for their "use value."
Such motives for socializing goes against the grain of what I was taught growing up. My family prized generosity and informal, loud and lively gatherings with lots of food and none of the pretense or artificiality of the bourgeois professional milieu one enters when taking up a full time career in academia. For the sake of inner peace of mind, I stopped running the gamut of parties, big dinners out, weekly drink gatherings, etc, years ago. It is easy to get sucked into that whirlwind when one is new and working toward tenure and promotion. Giving yourself permission to not feel obligated to take up every invitation is liberating. It also keeps the credit card debt down.
111
You conflate social gatherings that celebrate milestones - e.g. weddings - in which it's important to be there because your presence is a tacit support to others, with social gatherings that are trivial - e.g. a school hockey game - in which your presence is not important to others except to your children.
The two are entirely different--one is for others, the other is for schmoozing, networking, chatting. (I leave out going to a game to support your child--you don't raise that as a factor). As an introvert mom of 5 now young adults, I can tell you right now that the adults at those endless upper middle class school gatherings & meetings would do just fine without you.
And this statement is simply untrue: "Those casual interactions in dog runs & at kids’ hockey games are the ones that are most likely to cross social & economic barriers."
If your idea of crossing economic barriers is to chat with the fellow upper middle class parents at your kid's hockey game, then you do need to get out more- How about volunteering at a food shelter, or volunteering to work with inner city kids?
Introverts don't have to suffer at false social gatherings that are actually really meant for social positioning & networking more than anything else. Introverts can do good for others by, well, doing good for others. This doesn't have to involve chatting at school assemblies, which frankly is torture for introverts like me. Just do good for others. And go to weddings.
The two are entirely different--one is for others, the other is for schmoozing, networking, chatting. (I leave out going to a game to support your child--you don't raise that as a factor). As an introvert mom of 5 now young adults, I can tell you right now that the adults at those endless upper middle class school gatherings & meetings would do just fine without you.
And this statement is simply untrue: "Those casual interactions in dog runs & at kids’ hockey games are the ones that are most likely to cross social & economic barriers."
If your idea of crossing economic barriers is to chat with the fellow upper middle class parents at your kid's hockey game, then you do need to get out more- How about volunteering at a food shelter, or volunteering to work with inner city kids?
Introverts don't have to suffer at false social gatherings that are actually really meant for social positioning & networking more than anything else. Introverts can do good for others by, well, doing good for others. This doesn't have to involve chatting at school assemblies, which frankly is torture for introverts like me. Just do good for others. And go to weddings.
13
Thank you, thank you thank you...good manners (consideration and empathy!!!) are the magic oil that makes our societal machine function. I understand only too well the difficulties the introvert dreads "in society" (having been married to an extreme version for many years), while I also understand how easy it is for the extroverted to seem inconsiderate and unmannerly--or...simply selfish. Both of these tails of the human bell curve need to realize that we have ever only achieved greatness when the empathy level--or maybe the ability for both extreme types to set aside their natural tendencies--is at its highest...
2
I can count my friends on one hand with fingers left over. If not for my wife (one of those friends, the best one of course) I would probably never voluntarily interact with people at all. Like the author, I will do so, and even enjoy myself at parties and the like, but all in all, I'd rather skip.
But I think the paragraph about being uncivil in the larger sense is a good one. I recently started a new career in a field that is completely different from my old one. I love the work but I have very little in common with my coworkers, who are mostly men and who love things like hunting and fishing. It seemed very natural to me to continue my habit of having lunch alone, reading. My boss asked me to lunch one day and I went, not wanting to be rude to the boss, and I found we had a lot in common. We're both gay women in a male industry, both Democrats, and although I had to listen to her tell me about the first time she killed a deer (as I ate my vegetarian fare), I actually enjoyed* myself.
*If I'm being honest, "enjoyed" is probably a stretch, but I am glad I went. It's not like my company is anything to write home about I'm sure, but it seemed to make her happy. Putting out good vibes isn't a bad thing. Not that I'm going to make a habit out of it or anything.
But I think the paragraph about being uncivil in the larger sense is a good one. I recently started a new career in a field that is completely different from my old one. I love the work but I have very little in common with my coworkers, who are mostly men and who love things like hunting and fishing. It seemed very natural to me to continue my habit of having lunch alone, reading. My boss asked me to lunch one day and I went, not wanting to be rude to the boss, and I found we had a lot in common. We're both gay women in a male industry, both Democrats, and although I had to listen to her tell me about the first time she killed a deer (as I ate my vegetarian fare), I actually enjoyed* myself.
*If I'm being honest, "enjoyed" is probably a stretch, but I am glad I went. It's not like my company is anything to write home about I'm sure, but it seemed to make her happy. Putting out good vibes isn't a bad thing. Not that I'm going to make a habit out of it or anything.
4
I find parties and many other types of social gatherings annoying. I cannot stand making small talk about nothing. I also hate the fact that so many people apparently cannot have a good time without drinking alcohol.
I avoid the gatherings I can, and attend the ones I must. At those that I must attend, I do my best to be pleasant, engaged and civil. I even engage in the obligatory small talk. What I don't feel the need to do is apologize for or explain my sentiments about social gatherings.
I avoid the gatherings I can, and attend the ones I must. At those that I must attend, I do my best to be pleasant, engaged and civil. I even engage in the obligatory small talk. What I don't feel the need to do is apologize for or explain my sentiments about social gatherings.
10
I am probably not the only NYT reader for whom this reflection should occasion a bit of soul-searching. Thank you.
4
...Avid reader and devourer of the NYTimes and its' quality, I find myself disturbed by this article. When you prove to me that the same "reversed" responsibility should be true (ie. an extrovert should have to (for courtesy sake) stay home and spend a night alone and quiet when they would rather be socializing), I will support your thought. But, for now, I am just disappointed in your evaluation of an introverts choices. Your label of selfishness is harsh and I am always let down by a turncoat.
11
To echo the comments of Christine a few minutes ago, commit to go to those events you think are important or would be fun. Do not commit to events you think are idiotic, meaningless, or very unpleasant. Once you've said yes, show up on time with whatever you have agreed to bring, and engage with the event. Once you have decided not to go, forget about it and get on with life. The only real rudeness is not doing what you have said you would do.
14
"In a contest between my manners and my preferences, am I allowing my preferences to win?"
I used to let my manners win. Now my preferences win and I'm much happier. Know who you are and be that person. Don't succumb to peer pressure.
I used to let my manners win. Now my preferences win and I'm much happier. Know who you are and be that person. Don't succumb to peer pressure.
19
Why are you apologizing for being who you are? You’ll find that most people are too preoccupied with their own issues to bother making judgements about yours. We’re only here for a limited time; make the most of it and lose the guilt.
6
I have to smile and wonder. Apropos of “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?” a close friend of mine once grilled me, steely-eyed, with the humiliating (to some) question, "If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?" I'm still trying to formulate my answer.
I appreciate the article and the responses. I'm less concerned about being rude than I am missing out on potentially satisfying interactions because I just didn't want to have to deal with it. Working with others can been pleasant up to a point, but I still feel drained by at the end of the day. I like to think that I although I socialize less, I make it count more. Introversion has an element of selectivity.
9
sure - as an introvert I enjoy spending most of my time alone
but seeing we're on the internet here - a couple of points
distance tends to decrease empathy - why should I care about you - meh
anonymity tends to increase feelings of impunity - I feel no cost if I say rude things about someone I've never met - there's your rudeness
so - a risk of empowered introverts alone at home on the internet - is increasing rudeness due to lack of empathy and feelings of impunity.
but seeing we're on the internet here - a couple of points
distance tends to decrease empathy - why should I care about you - meh
anonymity tends to increase feelings of impunity - I feel no cost if I say rude things about someone I've never met - there's your rudeness
so - a risk of empowered introverts alone at home on the internet - is increasing rudeness due to lack of empathy and feelings of impunity.
3
I identify strongly as an introvert, and while I find value in some of this article, I would have thought better of it if the author had stuck with the pronoun "I" more than "we." Only she can truly say whether she was behaving "selfishly" when avoiding various social occasions because she's an introvert. For me, I do my part socially, at holidays, graduations, weddings, and big birthdays, in part because to do otherwise would seem selfish (to me); I also avoid many other social settings. After years of feeling that there was something wrong with me for doing this, I've come to feel really okay with honoring who I am and what I want. And I would argue that it would be no more selfless of me to force myself to go to a cocktail party, or some other chatfest, than for the extrovert to stay home by him/herself, after getting the invitation to that really cool party. We're just being true to ourselves (not selfish).
22
Well, now you can obsess about being one of those who take all their cues and validations/corrections from others. Which means you will sometimes be in, and sometimes be out, just like a pair of bell-bottom jeans.
Which is better than being wrong all the time.
Which is better than being wrong all the time.
3
I am a (Myers Briggs) huge INFP...and I like to think that I am somewhat educated. I have now read and re-read this article 5 times. My final thought....what a waste of electrons and of data streams - go figure yourself out.
8
Excellent, provocative piece. None of us fit society's acceptable behavior because those definitions are artificial and dependent on cultural norms. We all struggle with inner and outer needs and responsibilities. Ultimately, it's our decisions that gets us to sleep at night that matter.
This article is important because it is about new data from studies of the brain that give people to data to make informed decisions about how to live their lives.
Thanks
This article is important because it is about new data from studies of the brain that give people to data to make informed decisions about how to live their lives.
Thanks
5
I disagree. I am aware of the possible rudeness of actions that suggest I "care more about my [myself] than the needs of others," but if I do not take time to step aside and recharge -- actually, taking time to sort out the bombardment of social interaction during which some of us are a sponge that absorbs the emotions of others -- I do not function at my best among others. Some of us, due to the chemical make-up of our brains or nervous systems, need to limit our social interactions. Is it a function of mirror neurons, extreme empathy, or, as mentioned, chemical make-up? Not all introverts are selfish; some need to remove themselves from or limit engagement in social events in order to function in a way that works for us.
24
Please think of your interactions with other in the larger context of growing older. When you reach a certain age, you arrive at a point where you feel a bit more entitled to say no. Just leave lots of time for family and close freinds, unplanned chit chat with strnagers and eliminate the intereactions that have proven less valuable. We are all running out of time, so make the most of it.
10
It is not selfish to avoid boors or vapid gatherings. Take up fly fishing. Book a float trip on the San Juan in New Mexico, all to yourself and your guide, tell him you have never fly fished before, and in 6 hours you can handle the equipment and the fish. Then, you can go to the Rio Costilla all alone and revel in beauty and solitude...no boors, no boorish platitudes, no vapid conversation about world hunger.
4
I strongly disagree with the thesis of this article. As an 18-year old college student with Asperger's syndrome, I find it upsetting that having an introverted nature should be conflated with selfishness. "Selfish" is a word commonly thrown at those of us on the autism spectrum, and I have heard "You just care more about yourself than about the needs of others" from friends, family, and strangers more often than I can count.
In eighteen years, I have learned to defy my nature - to make eye contact, control my echolalia, smile, and act like a neurotypical girl. But social interactions often make me so uncomfortable that afterwards I hyperventilate, or unconsciously scratch my face and arms so hard that my skin comes off under my nails. Sure, at such gatherings I end up meeting some nice people. But I don't fit in - I never will - and I feel it keenly. I realize this at every gathering, and it depresses me in a way that "normal" people just don't understand. Will this "material cost" to myself make me happier? Does not hurting the feelings of those around me outweigh the physical and psychological injury I do to myself? Am I selfish to hide away?
I, for one, am glad that society has become more accepting to those who retreat from the world. KJ Dell'Antonia, perhaps some will also benefit from your advice, but it is unfair of you to generalize the experiences of all introverts. For many of us, it isn't as simple as just showing up to more family oriented athletic functions.
In eighteen years, I have learned to defy my nature - to make eye contact, control my echolalia, smile, and act like a neurotypical girl. But social interactions often make me so uncomfortable that afterwards I hyperventilate, or unconsciously scratch my face and arms so hard that my skin comes off under my nails. Sure, at such gatherings I end up meeting some nice people. But I don't fit in - I never will - and I feel it keenly. I realize this at every gathering, and it depresses me in a way that "normal" people just don't understand. Will this "material cost" to myself make me happier? Does not hurting the feelings of those around me outweigh the physical and psychological injury I do to myself? Am I selfish to hide away?
I, for one, am glad that society has become more accepting to those who retreat from the world. KJ Dell'Antonia, perhaps some will also benefit from your advice, but it is unfair of you to generalize the experiences of all introverts. For many of us, it isn't as simple as just showing up to more family oriented athletic functions.
214
I said no to parties, ducked out of events, and excused it as “self-care.”
and yr title question is . . . 'am i introverted'??
let me answer that this way--
Miles Davis said no to parties, and all those other things . . .
Was he 'introverted' do you think?
naw.
and yr title question is . . . 'am i introverted'??
let me answer that this way--
Miles Davis said no to parties, and all those other things . . .
Was he 'introverted' do you think?
naw.
3
Sorry KJ! The others do not "need" you, unless you're the focus of the group get together or as needed to fill out the required member of a team - the 4th for the bridge table, the 5th for basketball, etc., or you're so eminent your presence is needed to impress others.
7
Interesting, though actually I have always tended to think extroverts were more likely to be rude - talking to people who might prefer to be left alone, taking up more than their share of the conversational space. I do not find myself in the author's description of an introvert - I am almost excessively concerned about others' feelings, and almost never late. I just need a certain amount of time not talking to anyone, it's a relief to me. I don't think that's rude, I sure hope not anyway
164
It's not rude. Everyone is entitled to some semblance of solitude, particularly in this crazy world where we are constantly bombarded by one thing or another. It's what keeps me sane....
3
Chronic lateness is rude: when the meeting can't start on time because you are 20 minutes late, when your daycare worker can't pick up her own child on time because you are half an hour late getting your own, when you show up to your MDs office 40 minutes late and beg them to squeeze you in, it starts a cascade of events that inconveniences many people. When you've initiated that cascade because you consistently underestimate how long it will take you to get dressed, drive across town, find a parking space, etc, or because you insist upon squeezing in one more email, text, or errand -- that's rude.
However, politely declining an invitation to a party, taking your children home after a school concert instead of standing around chit-chatting, saying a friendly goodbye and then leaving the meeting room when the meeting ends, wanting some quiet time to yourself after a busy day…none of these things are rude.
A lost opportunity to socialize is simply not on par with the active inconvenience caused by chronic lateness. It seems that on some level, KJ Dell'Antonia believes that good manners demand a constant self-abnegation that always places not just other people’s genuine needs but also their desires above one’s own. But no one can live this way; eventually, it comes out in passive-aggressive ways, like chronic lateness.
I would have sympathy for KJ, if she were not trying to label all introverts as boors. We all have a right to take a breath sometimes.
However, politely declining an invitation to a party, taking your children home after a school concert instead of standing around chit-chatting, saying a friendly goodbye and then leaving the meeting room when the meeting ends, wanting some quiet time to yourself after a busy day…none of these things are rude.
A lost opportunity to socialize is simply not on par with the active inconvenience caused by chronic lateness. It seems that on some level, KJ Dell'Antonia believes that good manners demand a constant self-abnegation that always places not just other people’s genuine needs but also their desires above one’s own. But no one can live this way; eventually, it comes out in passive-aggressive ways, like chronic lateness.
I would have sympathy for KJ, if she were not trying to label all introverts as boors. We all have a right to take a breath sometimes.
242
I couldn't agree more about lateness. The only excuses for being late are death and a true emergency (not "I couldn't find my keys."). People who are consistently late are among the deplorables.
2
Enjoy your ability to be comfortable in your own company.
As you get older, you'll discover that many of those life-of-the-party types turn into bores, and all the self-help books in the world won't bring back their popularity.
As you get older, you'll discover that many of those life-of-the-party types turn into bores, and all the self-help books in the world won't bring back their popularity.
94
In my opinion, you should double down on who you are and go with your God-given tendencies; then deal honestly with the consequences. It takes more guts and good judgement to do that than to try and be something you're not. Life's too short to spend your time figuring out who someone else thinks you should be and then turning yourself into a figurative pretzel to fit their prejudices. No one really knows who you should be better than you do on your own basic gut level. The rest will sort out.
141
I empathize with introverts although I am not one. But introversion and extroversion are both "bents", ways of energizing one self and not inherently good or bad in and of themselves. As an extrovert, I have to be careful not to steamroll people and to give them space to think and respond. And introverts have to be careful not to leave the heavy lifting of public interaction to extroverts. I can emcee a function or make sure that new people are included in a discusion amongst old friends but I don't always want to be the only one to do it. We can all be considerate about others' introversion or extroversion.
64
And we can add ambiverts into the mix.
1
I am an introvert and my wife is an extrovert, but through compromise, we made peace with it long ago. I agree you shouldn't be burdening yourself with useless guilt. Just be who you are, don't analyze so much and forget about what others may think about it. However, another element to consider is that you may be getting lazy about social interaction and that is not good. Any social engagement takes at least of little bit of effort, regardless of whether you are an introvert or extrovert. In that regard, it is like exercise and needs to be done to keep a healthy balance in life. We are social creatures by nature and it is important to maintain a social network, especially as one ages and loneliness becomes an increasing liability.
88
I'm an introvert, and if you are not one, let me describe what this means. Think about a border between all stimulus funneled to you and all the "self" you project out. It's a "balance of trade".
The extrovert 'exports' his/her egocentric world view into any interaction. There is security in doing that. I think of it as a defensive reaction. Groups of people talking and everything bounces off; not much gets absorbed.
An introvert lets everything in, to be thought about. Say something to me at a party and it may be several hours or days before I have a response, but I heard you, and the response I have constitutes a small universe of thought.
That's the opposite of rude. Being rude, I think, is ignoring, dismissing, or thoughtlessly communicating, with another human being.
To me every word counts.
The extrovert 'exports' his/her egocentric world view into any interaction. There is security in doing that. I think of it as a defensive reaction. Groups of people talking and everything bounces off; not much gets absorbed.
An introvert lets everything in, to be thought about. Say something to me at a party and it may be several hours or days before I have a response, but I heard you, and the response I have constitutes a small universe of thought.
That's the opposite of rude. Being rude, I think, is ignoring, dismissing, or thoughtlessly communicating, with another human being.
To me every word counts.
263
Well said, thank you.
Thanks... and some people are introverted in some situations and not in others--more common than we think, methinks.
1
Spot on.
I am an introvert who has managed for 5 adult decades to act extroverted and even enjoyed it. It is required in family, job and friendship situations so as not to "be rude". However, there have been many times and situations where I have absolutely not been able continue, where the need to be alone and "safe" has become overwhelming. Most of the time I can forsee these times and adequately remove myself from those around me before being "rude". 10 or so times in my life I have been rude and demanded to be left alone. This is simple self protection, and those who love you need to understand your existential need.
63
Interesting. Your type is far more common than most of us suspect or even know exists, John.
Also, introversion is thought of differently in some cultures.
Also, introversion is thought of differently in some cultures.
1
Good Lord. I'm pretty sure nobody "needs" me to show up at a party. I skip parties because I find them boring, not because I'm introverted -- although I, in fact, am introverted.
183
Am a total introvert and have become more and more antisocial because of a lifetime of trauma inflicted by . Don't mind talking to people, but more and more I keep to myself. And all my friends have fallen by the wayside. It's a depressing way to live, but here I am.
34
Being an introvert (extreme one), I do care about others. I have plenty of time to myself, but I do spend my energy on loving others. The PCUSA version of Presbyterian that I am officially requires fellowship as a ministry to others. How can you serve if you do not know your neighbors? Thank goodness that God has created all of us with diverse talents so that introverts can not only talk about service, but more importantly serve without talking.
15
Thoughtful essay. I would distinguish between the 'needs' of other people and their desires. They might want you to go to the party, but do they need your presence?
And why should their need trump yours? Rude is a two way street. Like I want you to do something you don't want to do, if you fail to comply, I'll get my revenge by laying a guilt trip on you.
My favorite response to requests was Phoebe's on Friends, someone asked her for a favor, she replied, "I wish I could, but I don't want to."
And why should their need trump yours? Rude is a two way street. Like I want you to do something you don't want to do, if you fail to comply, I'll get my revenge by laying a guilt trip on you.
My favorite response to requests was Phoebe's on Friends, someone asked her for a favor, she replied, "I wish I could, but I don't want to."
90
I see nothing at all rude in skipping the school meetings or community gatherings that the author describes. If your presence is not mandatory or essential, there's nothing wrong with preserving your energy and being choosy about what to attend. This is not the same as skipping an event hosted by a close friend.
As an introvert (who very occasionally enjoys a party), it's tiring to live in a country where extroversion is considered normal. And I dispute the author's claim that she's an introvert in the first place; most introverts would never consider writing about themselves or their family in the pages of the NY Times.
As an introvert (who very occasionally enjoys a party), it's tiring to live in a country where extroversion is considered normal. And I dispute the author's claim that she's an introvert in the first place; most introverts would never consider writing about themselves or their family in the pages of the NY Times.
188
The USA is among the top extroverted cultures. I have lived in eight countries where its still not all that present within their cultures.
Also check out "ambiverts."
Also check out "ambiverts."
3
I don't understand your comment. I'm an introvert and enjoy writing to friends, blogging, etc. I just can't be with them in person for too much time before I have to go home and spend time with myself to recoup energy. Extroverts get energy from others, introverts get energy from alone time.
To truly understand, appreciate and not criticize the introvert, one should become acquainted with Myers-Briggs Type Inventory on line.
https://www.mbtionline.com/
https://www.mbtionline.com/
18
The particularly useful part of MBTI is to understand how different types best communicate and how they most often miscommunicate. Surprisingly small changes in how you respond can make large differences in your interaction and your confidence in the interaction. The latter benefit means you no longer have to ask the question in the headline of this column.
Oh, the Myers-Briggs. Funny how it has become so acceptable with almost no scientific backing. It was created, BTW, by two persons who had NO formal training in psychology but a liking of the venerable Karl Jung who had nothing to do with its development. The results of the MB have clearly been shown to vary depending on a multitude of factors, some as benign as how much sleep one had the previous night, and specifically depending on what type of job one is applying for. Many years ago, when forced to undergo the MB indignity, I filled in the answers at random….SO many people told me they just KNEW I was such-and-such a type and NO ONE seemed surprised at my "results".
It might be a fun parlor game but to spend many thousands to reduce one's character into a alphabet-soup of "traits" is hogwash…...
It might be a fun parlor game but to spend many thousands to reduce one's character into a alphabet-soup of "traits" is hogwash…...
I spent 36 years in academia, an environment that can be very elitist. You didn't succeed at getting grants or publishing a lot: You don't deserve my time.
It seems as if your introversion resulted from your choice, but that wasn't true in my case.
It seems as if your introversion resulted from your choice, but that wasn't true in my case.
8
Sounds like an unresolved inner discussion, with guilt and unapologetic self-assertion in fairly equal measures. Those who feel themselves "naturally introverted" need not feel guilty about avoiding many social settings and events. A lot of those occasions are rather superficial anyway; it seems useful to determine which are really important and be most thoughtful about allocating time to them. Our culture tends to over-value group participation--or is it that we make assumptions about what is expected of us, and how much of our time should be contributed to the group? Follow the wonderful advice of Meher Baba: "Don't worry. Be happy."
24
Yes! Dell'Antonia has written other articles about her problems with chronic lateness, behavior that is obviously rude to many other people. There is clearly some inner conflict that still hasn't been resolved.
14
So, in summary, social situations are Green Eggs and Ham, and if introverts would just give it a try from time to time, it would be good because we don't know what makes us happy.
Yeah, no.
I'm as big an introvert as you'll ever meet. Going out to lunch with colleagues causes me intense stress. I've done it enough times to last a lifetime.
They're intelligent people. I'm sure they understand that not everyone is interested in social lunches. But if they don't and want to assume something worse, that's their problem.
Looking after your own mental sanity isn't selfishness. It's as smart as eating fruits and vegetables.
Yeah, no.
I'm as big an introvert as you'll ever meet. Going out to lunch with colleagues causes me intense stress. I've done it enough times to last a lifetime.
They're intelligent people. I'm sure they understand that not everyone is interested in social lunches. But if they don't and want to assume something worse, that's their problem.
Looking after your own mental sanity isn't selfishness. It's as smart as eating fruits and vegetables.
123
Manners are wonderful tools for the introvert. What is expected is known to all and can be followed without friction or effort. Being late does not suit an introvert. Why expend the mental energy to dread having to explain oneself or risk a potential confrontation when one can simply plan to be punctual and blend into the crowd?
43
I think being an introvert is fine. I just do not socialize much anymore, in my 70's....I try to see my friends, one or a few at a time on a regular basis. I am a painter and do some writing. I had a more gregarious lifestyle living in Oaxaca MX where being an extrovert was the cultural norm. Here en el Norte....isolation is more a norm...I live in building with lots of old folks. I only socialize with a couple friends who live on my hall. I like meaningful encounters. I don't like to have to please others...Yep, the old curmudgeon
49
Geez.
The world doesn't hang tremulously on the cusp of your choice to go or not to go.
One of the truly great joys of having reached my mature years is knowing I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I love my lovely apt. with its lovely view, and I don't enjoy mixing with strangers for no genuine purpose, and when I can't make it to my volunteer work, the world still merrily spins on without me. They're glad of me when I'm there and they don't particularly miss me when I'm not.
Success is being important to the people who are important to you. Otherwise, skip the small talk and enjoy that book, without guilt but with ice cream if you need a bit of fortifying.
The world doesn't hang tremulously on the cusp of your choice to go or not to go.
One of the truly great joys of having reached my mature years is knowing I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I love my lovely apt. with its lovely view, and I don't enjoy mixing with strangers for no genuine purpose, and when I can't make it to my volunteer work, the world still merrily spins on without me. They're glad of me when I'm there and they don't particularly miss me when I'm not.
Success is being important to the people who are important to you. Otherwise, skip the small talk and enjoy that book, without guilt but with ice cream if you need a bit of fortifying.
176
If you spent 40 years accommodating others in order to be nice, why is it rude to take some time for yourself? If anyone complains about it, aren't they being rude? Shouldn't they walk in your shoes for a few years by shutting up and shutting in and seeing what that is like?
All such arguments aside, why is there such an oppressive need for everyone to conform to some version of "acceptable behavior"? I am mostly introverted, but come from a family where my shyness was a source of great consternation and mockery, but very few solutions were suggested. I adjusted and managed, but to this day I am convinced the folks around me were indulging themselves by behaving like barely civilized animals. If you have lived for a few years in a "third world" country you will find those societies are designed for hardcore extroverted living. Every social interaction, including driving through an intersection is a very personal confrontation, a game of chicken to see who will hold and who will fold. Nobody passed by quietly, they get into your space, have no compunctions about rubbing against you (I am a man btw) when there is ample room to walk, they will ask impertinently nosy questions, and even the architecture and street signs will be a cacophony of shapes, colors and angles, clashing in an unholy mess of unbridled, undisciplined self-expression. As for how rules are followed - religious, legal, moral, ... nevermind.
Introversion is a virtue too. It is our best defense from fascism.
All such arguments aside, why is there such an oppressive need for everyone to conform to some version of "acceptable behavior"? I am mostly introverted, but come from a family where my shyness was a source of great consternation and mockery, but very few solutions were suggested. I adjusted and managed, but to this day I am convinced the folks around me were indulging themselves by behaving like barely civilized animals. If you have lived for a few years in a "third world" country you will find those societies are designed for hardcore extroverted living. Every social interaction, including driving through an intersection is a very personal confrontation, a game of chicken to see who will hold and who will fold. Nobody passed by quietly, they get into your space, have no compunctions about rubbing against you (I am a man btw) when there is ample room to walk, they will ask impertinently nosy questions, and even the architecture and street signs will be a cacophony of shapes, colors and angles, clashing in an unholy mess of unbridled, undisciplined self-expression. As for how rules are followed - religious, legal, moral, ... nevermind.
Introversion is a virtue too. It is our best defense from fascism.
40
Rudeness is not an objective matter. The extrovert believes it is rude not to engage in small talk, rude of someone to recoil from a question was well meant and perfectly innocent to pass along stories about casual acquaintances. The introvert believes it is rude for others to pry, to share the introvert's personal information without permission or to keep trying to start a conversation when the other person is patently not interested.
I could give you a zillion examples of this type of conflict in my daily life.
The author of this article appears to have decided that the extroverts' principles of manners and courtesy should rule. That's one option, but it's not the only reasonable one. It may not be the healthiest one, either. And it's certainly not the happiest one, from my point of view.
I could give you a zillion examples of this type of conflict in my daily life.
The author of this article appears to have decided that the extroverts' principles of manners and courtesy should rule. That's one option, but it's not the only reasonable one. It may not be the healthiest one, either. And it's certainly not the happiest one, from my point of view.
68
I think that it is about choosing wisely. The Office Holiday Party is unfortunately exhausting, but, to some extent, it is also necessary. Growth occurs at the edges of our comfort zones. It just sounds a though the author has reset where that is for this stage of life.
20
There is another way to think about this situation: “Have you ever missed a plane?” she asked. I had not. “Then you can help it. You just care more about yourself than about the needs of others.”
Caring about oneself, however, is ultimately care for the other.
By getting to your plane on time you are not merely caring more about yourself. Consider the instructions we receive from flight attendants that should the oxygen masks fall from above, and oxygen is required, we are told to put our mask on first so as to better help those nearby who require assistance.
In other words, by taking care of oneself first, we are in a better position to help those who are truly in need.
By all means, miss the cocktail party but be sure to never miss a flight. It could prove to be the most selfless act you commit. I'll be certain reserve a seat alongside you (but I will wear my headset so we can avoid idle chit-chat).
Caring about oneself, however, is ultimately care for the other.
By getting to your plane on time you are not merely caring more about yourself. Consider the instructions we receive from flight attendants that should the oxygen masks fall from above, and oxygen is required, we are told to put our mask on first so as to better help those nearby who require assistance.
In other words, by taking care of oneself first, we are in a better position to help those who are truly in need.
By all means, miss the cocktail party but be sure to never miss a flight. It could prove to be the most selfless act you commit. I'll be certain reserve a seat alongside you (but I will wear my headset so we can avoid idle chit-chat).
14
My mother's explanation to me, concerning etiquette, was consideration of another's feelings.
Emily Post gave us some courteous options, written in the 20th century & still applicable in the 21st century.
- accept with pleasure the kind invitation of .....
- regret that we are unable to accept the kind invitation of .....
It's not hard & one needn't elaborate unless one wants to.
Emily Post gave us some courteous options, written in the 20th century & still applicable in the 21st century.
- accept with pleasure the kind invitation of .....
- regret that we are unable to accept the kind invitation of .....
It's not hard & one needn't elaborate unless one wants to.
25
Parents: If you have a child say 12-16 yrs old who is extremely shy and introverted, it might not be shyness and introversion but social anxiety. Consider taking your child to a psychiatrist if you think that your child is more withdrawn or uncomfortable in social situations than normal. Social anxiety hiding out as introversion can be extremely crippling. Do your child a favor. It may help him or her for a lifetime.
15
@LongIslandObserver, great point, but at 12-16, a child is fully capable of articulating this herself. Just ask her. Talk to her. My own daughter has social anxiety, which she realized pretty quickly after I asked her a few questions, privately and non-judgmentally, about her own feelings and her own body reactions. Medication can help considerably.
1
But don't just jump to the meds before trying natural means. Also patience!
1
Interesting. Why is it an either/or continuum? There are extroverts and introverts but I think there is a huge middle ground of "middle-verts." I took a Myers-Briggs test years ago and came out as an ENTJ but the E (extrovert) was the weakest part of the assessment (not that I really believe any of it, but that's another discussion). I can rise to the occasion when I need to and be extroverted, but I also need my time alone and solitude, which, as I become older is becoming more frequent. My husband is also a middle-vert and as I watch my two children grow (both in their 20s) they clearly have middle-vert tendencies, my son more outgoing (but it stresses him) and my daughter more reserved.
111
"...That’s not about introversion. It’s just an ordinary version of selfishness..."
This article is written by a woman who then quote other women, these supposed 'experts', about how women should be more giving and sacrificing, because to do otherwise would mean we are 'selfish', words ascribed to women by other women, never men to other men.
Thanks for that. Thanks a whole lot.
This is just what women, especially mothers, need to hear.
::sarcasm::
This article is written by a woman who then quote other women, these supposed 'experts', about how women should be more giving and sacrificing, because to do otherwise would mean we are 'selfish', words ascribed to women by other women, never men to other men.
Thanks for that. Thanks a whole lot.
This is just what women, especially mothers, need to hear.
::sarcasm::
52
Introverts might wonder just how a party could suffer from the lack of their presence. Will party goers lament the lack of people standing around looking uncomfortable, praying for the first person to leave so they may follow. "Gee, this part needs a few more duds."
Well here is the reason to go. Go, introvert, so the rest of us introverts don't stand out like sore thumbs! We need each other so we all look less the oddball. So get out and support your fellow introverts, please. Then, within the bounds of politeness, we can all slip out together.
Well here is the reason to go. Go, introvert, so the rest of us introverts don't stand out like sore thumbs! We need each other so we all look less the oddball. So get out and support your fellow introverts, please. Then, within the bounds of politeness, we can all slip out together.
24
An utterly absurd article. Many people who do not enjoy gatherings care deeply about the needs of others. They may donate to charity, and volunteer at shelters or other venues, or be very compassionate one-on-one listeners, deliver meals, and so on. Parties and gatherings? What does that have to do with caring? If the author feels the needs of others are met by her attending an event, well, that can easily sound pretty narcissistic.
112
One shouldn't feel guilty for choosing not to participate in any given activity or gathering. It's not "making an excuse" - it's knowing oneself and honoring one's choices as to how they wish to spend their time. Time spent pursuing one's interests is precious. We are bombarded with far too many competing distractions. Some people will always have greater social skills than others. As long as one doesn't isolate him/herself to an unhealthy degree, there's no danger here. Working with others can be rewarding or frustrating, but it is always at least a learning experience.
19
The surveys about talking tp each other represent a mean; the bulk of people may feel better after processing it through their memory. Almost certainly, the data is a hill with people on one side who thrive on this interaction and people who loathe it. What it can't say is whether these people are better in the long term.
6
Good point about courtesy and the importance of casual social ties. But just as a thought experiment...would this article be imaginable the other way around? "I used to think I was just an extrovert, but perhaps my incessant need to go to parties and meet new acquaintances is selfish – I conceitedly assume that the people at these events will benefit from having me there, and all this busy-ness keeps me away from my intimates and from important solitary work." Hard to imagine, right? My point: neither introversion nor extroversion are selfish by nature, but our society is heavily biased towards extroverts, so introverts often think there is something bad about them merely because they like to read, think, take solitary walks, and so on. Yes, rudeness and self-indulgence are real dangers for introverts, but extroversion has plenty of temptations as well: conformity, opportunism, and power-mongering, for example.
467
Typical. Again and again we are told that to be an introvert is to be selfish and rude. No one ever says anything like this to an extrovert, of course. They are what we are all supposed to be, what we introverts would be, if we just weren't so damn selfish.
94
Susan Cain's book is one big lie. If you are an introvert don't waste your time reading it. Most books and articles about introverts treat us as if we were freaks and if we just made the effort we could be healthy extroverts. Balcony we are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong or strange about being introverted. We are as happy and well adjusted as anyone. Seventy three years of experience teaches me that being "quiet" is enjoyable.
53
Molly, agree with you regarding "Quiet". Don't bother. As an introvert, I would highly recommend "Party of One" (the loner's manifesto) by Anneli Rufus. She writes wonderfully and hits the nail on the head when it comes to being a "loner". No, we are not the freaks so often portrayed. Reading her book was both a joy and a relief - yes! someone understands! It's a great book, you won't be disappointed.
4
two years ago exactly i sat pretty much alone at my wife's nephews wedding while she danced and socialized with her family and friends. i get uncomfortable with loud music playing as i am a little hard of hearing and i object strenuously to being forced to gyrate wildly to electronically amplified music. so there i sat, until i had had enough and i told my daughter, "tell your mother i went home." and i did.
she moved out of the bedroom that night, and now we are divorced. would i do that over again? yes, but this time i would tell her i was going home.
my patience in crowds wears thin. i don't like idle chit chat. and if i'm sitting with people i don't know well i feel like they are expecting to be entertained. it has always been an issue in my life.
she moved out of the bedroom that night, and now we are divorced. would i do that over again? yes, but this time i would tell her i was going home.
my patience in crowds wears thin. i don't like idle chit chat. and if i'm sitting with people i don't know well i feel like they are expecting to be entertained. it has always been an issue in my life.
31
Being one yourself, surely you know that we introverts are more vulnerable to depression, self-criticism and despair than our more extroverted counterparts. Knowing that, I'm sure that you thought long and hard about the potential for harm that might result from writing an article such as this one that explores the possibility that, in withdrawing from social settings, we are putting ourselves and our own needs ahead of others. And because introverts also have a tendency to be pretty self-aware and - as noted before -self-critical, I'm equally sure that you determined that the good to be done by writing such an article - the understanding to be promoted, the education to be had - would far outweigh any possible harm. So I just want you to know that although I was finally (after years of therapy) okay with being an introvert even though introverts are pretty well despised in Western culture, I am not, as a southern woman, in any way okay with being rude. So, I really hope that a lot of people gain a lot of understanding and education from your article. Because I have to go back into therapy now.
62
It is sad that the article will cause much grief, but antisocial behavior must not be tolerated.
1
My older sister called me introverted, even anti-social. She still does and she's 78 years old. I have calmly tried to teach her that I consider myself asocial, not anti-. I find that I am easily bored with chitchat and gossip. If I can't learn anything new or instructive, it isn't worth my time. My son is the same way. Exchanging pleasantries with neighbors and acquaintances is wonderful, but for hours on end? No thanks.
76
Thank you for this excellent column. Not only is it helpful for introverts to understand themselves, but it also helps others understand introverts better.
Also, selfishness is a rampant problem in our country today that is at the root of a number of problems ranging from bigotry to income disparities. We need to begin to address selfishness at the individual level first, and this article provides us all the opportunity for some introspection.
Also, selfishness is a rampant problem in our country today that is at the root of a number of problems ranging from bigotry to income disparities. We need to begin to address selfishness at the individual level first, and this article provides us all the opportunity for some introspection.
4
"For it is in your power to retire into yourself whenever you choose."
- Marcus Aurelius
- Marcus Aurelius
34
An interesting piece. I intend to send a link to my son, who at 21, appears to be more withdrawn than ever. He is not comfortable meeting new people, barely keeping contact with existing acquaintances. I am really worried about him.
9
It's okay to be an introvert as long as its balanced. It's never "cool" to be rude to anyone with the excuse that "but I'm an introvert and didn't want to deal with it" -that's just creating a new selfish societal monster. Being too much of anything isn't healthy. An introvert can enjoy quiet time that rejuvenates; just as a extrovert can enjoy a loud large crowd. Look for balance in order to be healthy and not end up on the psychiatrist's couch.
2
"Loneliness is poverty of self, solitude is richness of self"
May Sarton
May Sarton
43
I recently cut by half the number of facebook "friends" I had. These were people I rarely interact with (if at all) anymore. It's possibly due to facebook's algorithms, where I just don't see posts from some people in my list anymore and doubtless do they ever see mine.
Is it possible that I will hurt some people's feelings when and if they find out we're no longer "friends"? It is. Some of these I interacted with frequently at first, some were work colleagues (we're still linked on LinkedIn), and some I went to school with ages past. Once a facebook friend, always a facebook friend? That just sounds superficial.
One aspect I think the author neglects is our own self perception. Many of us introverts were socially excluded, bullied, and taken advantage of. Those feelings carry forth into adulthood to some degree. We often think we are acting according to expectations drilled into us during adolescence.
Is it possible that I will hurt some people's feelings when and if they find out we're no longer "friends"? It is. Some of these I interacted with frequently at first, some were work colleagues (we're still linked on LinkedIn), and some I went to school with ages past. Once a facebook friend, always a facebook friend? That just sounds superficial.
One aspect I think the author neglects is our own self perception. Many of us introverts were socially excluded, bullied, and taken advantage of. Those feelings carry forth into adulthood to some degree. We often think we are acting according to expectations drilled into us during adolescence.
78
Yet, do we ever ask loud, intrusive intoverts to quit their sales pitches, their "witnessing" to whatever religion they enjoy, how "awesome' their children are, their cackiling laughter in public? No, introverts are not at the mercy of their nature but most introverted behavior is not a social good but often an intrusion or an attempt at influence or persuasion. Introverts do not have to sacrifice themselves for the happiness of extroverts.
8
Oh I get it. People are always surprised to learn that I find socializing (in certain settings) exhausting and unpleasant because I am typically outgoing and talkative most other times.
If you want to find me at a party I can't leave (which happens rarely these days -- I know enough to go in my own car), look for the locked bathroom. I'll be in there reading.
If you want to find me at a party I can't leave (which happens rarely these days -- I know enough to go in my own car), look for the locked bathroom. I'll be in there reading.
109
Jazzy55, you don't think it's rude to keep other people out of the bathroom so you can have a quiet reading place?
2
"It’s the looser ties, the ones that have to be created or re-created at each meeting, that are tough."
Well said, thank you. I am an introvert, but there are times when, if I overindulge my own desire for quiet, I become unintentionally callous toward what is happening in the world around me. It's the other side of the extrovert who won't shut up. Both responses, in their extreme, are antisocial, rude, and even selfish.
Well said, thank you. I am an introvert, but there are times when, if I overindulge my own desire for quiet, I become unintentionally callous toward what is happening in the world around me. It's the other side of the extrovert who won't shut up. Both responses, in their extreme, are antisocial, rude, and even selfish.
173
Frankly, I do not think the writer of this article is or ever was an introvert. As an introvert myself, I never, for example, refer to myself using a plural personal pronoun, e.g., "we" or "us".
Instead, I think the writer is rather a highly conventional group-thinker or even a company-minded team player who is trying to pass as a reformed recluse/narcissist/rude person or whatever other epithet the group-thinkers of the world are using to brand people who refuse to follow the crowd, go along to get along, join the party, or otherwise contribute to society by sacrificing their own time, money and individual freedom for the public good.
After I turned fifty, I decided to radically reform my own lack of "rudeness" by arrogating unto myself the right to actually live my own life according to my own actual preferences instead of forever accommodating other people out of a sense of social obligation.
I was encouraged to do this by learning over the years that the only reason I was ever included in the first place was out of a similar misplaced sense of obligation on the part of those that invited me.
As for stuff like flying on commercial airlines, which, once I had realized that I was free to choose my own path in life I decided I would never, ever do again, I see nothing rude about not doing that.
Ultimately, though, I simply do not care. One cannot please everybody and I do not intend to try. Maybe you think that is rude but I think it is ruder to judge others in that fashion.
Instead, I think the writer is rather a highly conventional group-thinker or even a company-minded team player who is trying to pass as a reformed recluse/narcissist/rude person or whatever other epithet the group-thinkers of the world are using to brand people who refuse to follow the crowd, go along to get along, join the party, or otherwise contribute to society by sacrificing their own time, money and individual freedom for the public good.
After I turned fifty, I decided to radically reform my own lack of "rudeness" by arrogating unto myself the right to actually live my own life according to my own actual preferences instead of forever accommodating other people out of a sense of social obligation.
I was encouraged to do this by learning over the years that the only reason I was ever included in the first place was out of a similar misplaced sense of obligation on the part of those that invited me.
As for stuff like flying on commercial airlines, which, once I had realized that I was free to choose my own path in life I decided I would never, ever do again, I see nothing rude about not doing that.
Ultimately, though, I simply do not care. One cannot please everybody and I do not intend to try. Maybe you think that is rude but I think it is ruder to judge others in that fashion.
432
Thank you. Some of us do the best we can, and it often is exhausting to keep putting yourself out there if you like your own space. I try daily to perform some unconditional act for someone else.
4
"Ultimately, though, I simply do not care. One cannot please everybody and I do not intend to try. Maybe you think that is rude but I think it is ruder to judge others in that fashion."
I am just in my 30s, I love your words. I made a choice to follow my mind, my thinking, my lifestyle....even though it made me different from the others. In my workplace, I was thought as weird, as funny guy. Folks usually talks behind my back as a entertaining topic, because I am different than the rest of them. I don't follow the social rule which I think is not suitable for me.
I wrote this just to express my gratittude about your comment. It made my days
I am just in my 30s, I love your words. I made a choice to follow my mind, my thinking, my lifestyle....even though it made me different from the others. In my workplace, I was thought as weird, as funny guy. Folks usually talks behind my back as a entertaining topic, because I am different than the rest of them. I don't follow the social rule which I think is not suitable for me.
I wrote this just to express my gratittude about your comment. It made my days
3
I agree that the author is not likely an introvert. It is hard to see how an introvert would so willingly regularly disclose personal details about her life and thoughts in her essays, which of course invites people to react and respond. That, to me, seems like the behavior of an emotionally extroverted person, someone who wants to push their thoughts and opinions into the public realm for reactions and responses.
5
You might consider another option: you could be introverted AND rude.
I wasn’t going to get into this op-ed, since the title struck me as just the kind of introspective navel lint-plucking that so puts me off my quoits game; but I finished comments to the major Sunday Opinion offerings (and muttering over yet another Maureen absence), had some time and dove in.
Sorry I was late – I should have respected my first instincts not to be here.
“Clinical social anxiety”? Holy navel-lint, Batman! We’ve been infiltrated by all manner of psycho-addicts who must plumb the orientation of our mitochondrial organelles to determine how respiration is affected by normal human interaction; and that infiltration expresses itself by op-eds that cause susceptible readers to question “now … how come I don’t have my OWN shrink?”
Now that you’re in your mid-forties, you should begin to confidently cultivate a curmudgeonly persona, which exploits the dual benefits of introversion and rudeness. Of COURSE we care more about our own needs than about the needs of others. Welcome to humanity – it’s an apish thing. If you’re lucky, your children may have inherited your admirable qualities.
I wasn’t going to get into this op-ed, since the title struck me as just the kind of introspective navel lint-plucking that so puts me off my quoits game; but I finished comments to the major Sunday Opinion offerings (and muttering over yet another Maureen absence), had some time and dove in.
Sorry I was late – I should have respected my first instincts not to be here.
“Clinical social anxiety”? Holy navel-lint, Batman! We’ve been infiltrated by all manner of psycho-addicts who must plumb the orientation of our mitochondrial organelles to determine how respiration is affected by normal human interaction; and that infiltration expresses itself by op-eds that cause susceptible readers to question “now … how come I don’t have my OWN shrink?”
Now that you’re in your mid-forties, you should begin to confidently cultivate a curmudgeonly persona, which exploits the dual benefits of introversion and rudeness. Of COURSE we care more about our own needs than about the needs of others. Welcome to humanity – it’s an apish thing. If you’re lucky, your children may have inherited your admirable qualities.
116
I agree with Richard on this one. (which is pretty rare)
Let's hear it for curmudgeons!
Let's hear it for curmudgeons!
4
I couldn't decide whether to respond to Richard's or Christine's comments because I liked both so much. I thought "naval contemplation" rather than lint-picking but vive la difference!
It's really NOT that difficult. Every choice we make has a cost and a benefit.
Do I really want to go to that dinner for and old casual friend that's 50 miles away and talk to people I don't know? No, so I'll make my apologies.
Do I really want to go to my kid's middle school "Back To School" night? No, I'd rather have slivers shoved under my thumbnail. But my kid is more precious to me than anything so get myself there and do the best I can to gain as much info as I can.
Do I really want to get together with my extended family--for an event that's NOT a wedding or a funeral? Absolutely! Chances to see people get fewer all the time as the elder ones near their final days, and the younger ones grow.
It's all about choices and benefits vs consequences and a measure of what is more important to YOU. I might be bored stiff watching my kid in a sporting event, talking to parents I have nothing in common and WOULD rather be in my car reading a book, avoiding people. But MY choice is my kid comes first, so I drag myself out of my car.
There are plenty of times I relish being alone, and I don't like loud parties, preferring small gatherings with just a few people where you actually can and do talk. If someone has to shout in my ear "Great Party, Isn't it?" it's not.
It's really NOT that difficult. Every choice we make has a cost and a benefit.
Do I really want to go to that dinner for and old casual friend that's 50 miles away and talk to people I don't know? No, so I'll make my apologies.
Do I really want to go to my kid's middle school "Back To School" night? No, I'd rather have slivers shoved under my thumbnail. But my kid is more precious to me than anything so get myself there and do the best I can to gain as much info as I can.
Do I really want to get together with my extended family--for an event that's NOT a wedding or a funeral? Absolutely! Chances to see people get fewer all the time as the elder ones near their final days, and the younger ones grow.
It's all about choices and benefits vs consequences and a measure of what is more important to YOU. I might be bored stiff watching my kid in a sporting event, talking to parents I have nothing in common and WOULD rather be in my car reading a book, avoiding people. But MY choice is my kid comes first, so I drag myself out of my car.
There are plenty of times I relish being alone, and I don't like loud parties, preferring small gatherings with just a few people where you actually can and do talk. If someone has to shout in my ear "Great Party, Isn't it?" it's not.
4
Ouch!
I avoid gatherings where there is loud music because it hurts my ears. I find myself needing time alone after a day at work in order to recharge. I leave the phone off. I'll read a book. I'll watch something on PBS. I'm quiet by nature and loosen up only around people I know. I don't do well at small talk. But I will say hello to random strangers if there is a good reason.
I resent the lack of respect implied by saying that as an introvert I should drag myself to a party or a gathering because it's impolite and rude not to. I've dragged myself to enough parties and gatherings where I made the requisite small talk, smiled, held my glass of water, and then needed two days to recharge. Maybe 70% of the people like this sort of thing but I do not. I prefer to bird, read, do crossword puzzles, hike, bike, and swim. If I meet someone I know I say hello. If not, not.
I resent the lack of respect implied by saying that as an introvert I should drag myself to a party or a gathering because it's impolite and rude not to. I've dragged myself to enough parties and gatherings where I made the requisite small talk, smiled, held my glass of water, and then needed two days to recharge. Maybe 70% of the people like this sort of thing but I do not. I prefer to bird, read, do crossword puzzles, hike, bike, and swim. If I meet someone I know I say hello. If not, not.
667
Keep up the good work, hen3ry.
Introverts Unite ! (in total solitude)
Introverts Unite ! (in total solitude)
108
hen3ry, if I could recommend your comment a thousand times, I would. You stated perfectly how I roll.
31
My definition of a party is engaging in fake/forced conversation with strangers and acquaintances who you have no interest in (and they have no interest in you) and will never see again.
In my younger days (I am 63) I would smoke marijuana before and during a social gathering and found that the THC took away my social inhibitions and turned me into a chatty and witty guy (or so I thought). Too bad that around age 35 pot started to make me feel paranoid so there went that social crutch.
In my younger days (I am 63) I would smoke marijuana before and during a social gathering and found that the THC took away my social inhibitions and turned me into a chatty and witty guy (or so I thought). Too bad that around age 35 pot started to make me feel paranoid so there went that social crutch.
2
I find this article a bit ridiculous. Why can't you obey your inner nature and use your precious free time to plan it the way you want? Our world is made up of so many "must-show-up" commitments (work, family parties, the needs of good friends) that asking one to take on a host of extraneous things with people we aren't close to, or attend functions we have no interest in, seems a bit much.
Some people are very social. Some are somewhat social but need lots of alone time, of process time. Neither style is "good" or "bad" or "rude" unless you commit to something and then simply don't show.
That's what manners are: keeping commitments you agree to make, not taking on commitments you make because of other people's expectations that cause you resentment or unhealthy comparisons that you aren't as outgoing as your neighbor.
Why should people believe what the latest craze of a self-help book says we have to do with our lives? People aren't cookie cutters. Let's hear it for balance .... and self knowledge. If you aren't a people person or a joiner, why shouldn't you respect that? Isn't it ruder to do succumb to pressure to attend gatherings with strangers and then act sulky, negative and irritable?
Some people are very social. Some are somewhat social but need lots of alone time, of process time. Neither style is "good" or "bad" or "rude" unless you commit to something and then simply don't show.
That's what manners are: keeping commitments you agree to make, not taking on commitments you make because of other people's expectations that cause you resentment or unhealthy comparisons that you aren't as outgoing as your neighbor.
Why should people believe what the latest craze of a self-help book says we have to do with our lives? People aren't cookie cutters. Let's hear it for balance .... and self knowledge. If you aren't a people person or a joiner, why shouldn't you respect that? Isn't it ruder to do succumb to pressure to attend gatherings with strangers and then act sulky, negative and irritable?
557
Christine, I agree. If you're a spouse, parent, and child of aged parents, and you're employed, that's going to take up a tremendous amount of your time. Add being an introvert, and a writer and a musician. That's a complete life. Let's assume you might want to exercise sometimes too. There is no doubt that the author of this article is brilliant and efficient. She started off working in one of the most prestigious law firms in the country and now she's an editor and writer for the Times. Maybe she can pull off making small talk at functions she would rather skip, but personally, I can't.
5
Simple: being unsocial is painful. No matter what.
1
I am just now reading the book 'Quiet', so your essay comes at a most opportune time. In the book, the concept of stimulation is discussed, meaning that, for example, while some may find louder music enjoyable, others feel it intolerable. From the book, it is clear that this often has a genetic component.
Part of the issue in our society is an overemphasis and belief in the inherent rightness of being an 'extrovert'. They are the 'go getters', those who get promotions and get things done, at least that is what we are led to believe.
This neglects the many 'shy' people like Johnny Carson who deeply disliked parties, and those he did attend he tried to do so with his long time friend, Ed McMahon, spending many an evening in a corner with Ed rather than mingling. Years ago my former wife, who was working at Microsoft at the time, passed Bill Gates on one of the campus sidewalks at MS, Bill walked quietly by, his eyes turned down as he passed.
We should applaud those who are true to themselves and honor their uncomfortable feelings of being in a crowd, of knowing that they far prefer the company of a dear and known friend than having dozens of acquaintances.
For me, I find it deeply satisfying to have quiet time every day, to reflect, to write online to treasured friends, to write in my journal, to find a compelling book to read. And contrary to stereotypes, my style of living has been just right for me, for other quiet people, I recommend it.
Part of the issue in our society is an overemphasis and belief in the inherent rightness of being an 'extrovert'. They are the 'go getters', those who get promotions and get things done, at least that is what we are led to believe.
This neglects the many 'shy' people like Johnny Carson who deeply disliked parties, and those he did attend he tried to do so with his long time friend, Ed McMahon, spending many an evening in a corner with Ed rather than mingling. Years ago my former wife, who was working at Microsoft at the time, passed Bill Gates on one of the campus sidewalks at MS, Bill walked quietly by, his eyes turned down as he passed.
We should applaud those who are true to themselves and honor their uncomfortable feelings of being in a crowd, of knowing that they far prefer the company of a dear and known friend than having dozens of acquaintances.
For me, I find it deeply satisfying to have quiet time every day, to reflect, to write online to treasured friends, to write in my journal, to find a compelling book to read. And contrary to stereotypes, my style of living has been just right for me, for other quiet people, I recommend it.
372
Agree completely. I am an introvert but also love interacting with close friends. I find them at work, in my church community, in politics. I hate going to parties!
2
There are many introverts, and I am one, who are not at all uncomfortable in a crowd, but simply bored.
6
"At first, saying “no” to fund-raisers and coffees brought with it a keen, almost illicit pleasure. What freedom! I started slipping out of meetings and school assemblies at the first possible moment instead of staying to chat. On one delicious occasion, I sat in my car and read a book while my children attended a family-oriented athletic function."
Dear KJ,
What's wrong with this? Most "social" interactions in modern American middle-upper class society are job-focused, children-focused or trivia-focused, and are eminently missable. If you have been a professional success but can avoid meetings, be grateful to the gods who have allowed you a lifestyle that enables you to pass up so much time-wasting, boredom, idiocy and agenda-setting. Keep reading your book in the car and enjoy your freedom!
The philosopher Aristotle said that there are three kinds of friendship: (1) friendships with "useful" people, who will further one's own self-interest; (2) friendships with people who are fun to be with; and (3) friendships with people who share the same concept of the Good with you. Only the last is really important (although utilitarian friendships are necessary in the business world and we all love to be amused).
To me, you seem to be burdening yourself with useless guilt. It's NOT WRONG to be an introvert, and the world would be a better place with more of us!
Sincerely,
A fellow introvert
Dear KJ,
What's wrong with this? Most "social" interactions in modern American middle-upper class society are job-focused, children-focused or trivia-focused, and are eminently missable. If you have been a professional success but can avoid meetings, be grateful to the gods who have allowed you a lifestyle that enables you to pass up so much time-wasting, boredom, idiocy and agenda-setting. Keep reading your book in the car and enjoy your freedom!
The philosopher Aristotle said that there are three kinds of friendship: (1) friendships with "useful" people, who will further one's own self-interest; (2) friendships with people who are fun to be with; and (3) friendships with people who share the same concept of the Good with you. Only the last is really important (although utilitarian friendships are necessary in the business world and we all love to be amused).
To me, you seem to be burdening yourself with useless guilt. It's NOT WRONG to be an introvert, and the world would be a better place with more of us!
Sincerely,
A fellow introvert
724
Well said. Thank you.
1
If you are using Aristotle's reasoning, then consider that: (1) you are not being a useful person by not sharing yourself with others or taking the time to find out if they are useful to you. (2) How in the world would you know if someone is a fun person without meeting them? (3) share the same concept of good? How would you know without the sharing part?
Aristotle clearly made theses points after trying. Not trying is very different.
Aristotle clearly made theses points after trying. Not trying is very different.
9
And who are you talking to to come to this conclusion? A peer group of one perchance?
1