Ms. Bartlett, I'm still pondering all that you wrote and at this point cannot find the words to express how your article touched me. But please know that your article has given this man pause to think and reflect. For that, I thank you!
What is she talking about? She is not alone. She lives with her son and his father. (see link below)
Why was she on OKCupid?
I am also disabled. I have muscular dystrophy and I have actually been alone for most of my life, not by choice. As one can imagine, there is no joy in that.
http://www.cincopuntos.com/authors_detail.sstg?id=105
Why was she on OKCupid?
I am also disabled. I have muscular dystrophy and I have actually been alone for most of my life, not by choice. As one can imagine, there is no joy in that.
http://www.cincopuntos.com/authors_detail.sstg?id=105
3
We look and someone complains.
We don't look and someone complains.
We don't look and someone complains.
6
Jessica Valenti, who spent so much time complaining about being "objectified" is also complaining that men *aren't* looking at her as much.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/20/catcall-culture-fe...
Go figure.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/20/catcall-culture-fe...
Go figure.
One of the commenters here wrote: "I get a kick out of men looking at me as I walk out in public, but actually only certain kinds of men. I don't want creeps looking me over."
This seems to be an admission that some women venture out in public with the intention of eliciting sexually-charged nonverbal encounters with strange men.
I find that creepy.
This seems to be an admission that some women venture out in public with the intention of eliciting sexually-charged nonverbal encounters with strange men.
I find that creepy.
5
There's no right or wrong to this, as many have noted, and the author's experience of her parallel paths, real and virtual, offers an illuminating view. When I was younger, I was attractive in a way that invited male attention. I was used to it and welcomed it, but at the same time it made me more reserved in public, careful not to respond in any way that would resemble an invitation. Older now, not quite invisible but certainly without the same level of attention, I find I get to look more, see more of the world and the people around me, not having to protect myself from unwanted advances. It's a wonderful view.
5
As a man I always felt harassed by women when I was driving around in my Ferrari. Later in life I could only afford a Yugo and noticed all the harassment stopped.
6
Though not disabled, I know about being invisible to men; then very visible, overnight, when at 20 I simply swapped glasses for contact lenses, changing nothing else about my appearance or demeanor; then invisible again at 46; again, literally overnight.
In the interim, as an actor I was able to experiment with image and presentation, everything from dress to gait to voice, all the while observing the stunning difference in men's reactions to me. But now, at 52, even that avenue for experimentation is closed.
In fact "the male gaze" does not see the woman at all. It is by definition an objectification, a repudiation of a woman as a human being. It was dehumanizing to be objectified by the male gaze when I was young and beautiful, and even more dehumanizing to be utterly invisible to it now.
In fact the gaze of either sex can be used to obliterate its object as I learned when an Oscar winning short doc was made about my friendship w/a celebrated poet-journalist confined to an iron lung. The filmmaker implied this man was in love w/me; and when I did not appear to return his romantic affections, I was vilified by his disabled female friends for "rejecting" him because (they believed) I thought myself too attractive and glamorous to love a "crip." In truth, he'd never confided his homosexuality to his community, and after the misleading but touching film came out, the public gaze objectified us both: lovestruck hetero disabled hero-- shallow beautiful heartless Hollywood bimbo.
In the interim, as an actor I was able to experiment with image and presentation, everything from dress to gait to voice, all the while observing the stunning difference in men's reactions to me. But now, at 52, even that avenue for experimentation is closed.
In fact "the male gaze" does not see the woman at all. It is by definition an objectification, a repudiation of a woman as a human being. It was dehumanizing to be objectified by the male gaze when I was young and beautiful, and even more dehumanizing to be utterly invisible to it now.
In fact the gaze of either sex can be used to obliterate its object as I learned when an Oscar winning short doc was made about my friendship w/a celebrated poet-journalist confined to an iron lung. The filmmaker implied this man was in love w/me; and when I did not appear to return his romantic affections, I was vilified by his disabled female friends for "rejecting" him because (they believed) I thought myself too attractive and glamorous to love a "crip." In truth, he'd never confided his homosexuality to his community, and after the misleading but touching film came out, the public gaze objectified us both: lovestruck hetero disabled hero-- shallow beautiful heartless Hollywood bimbo.
4
I'm afraid that I haven't read through all other 701 comments so I don't know if anyone has made the same point, but I just wanted to state that it's not just people with disabilities who are immune from the male gaze. I'm an attractive woman, now 39, and honestly I don't think I've ever been given much attention by men. I've lived in major UK cities, London and Manchester, (both constantly full of construction sites) and I don't think I've ever been noticed - even in a short skirt. Instead I've always been treated with respect. My sister has cerebral palsy and my son has dwarfism and I don't at all want to make light of the difficulties they may have (though my sister is married with kids so she's done fine; my son is only 3 so has some way to go before society influences him), but I just don't agree that men make advances towards anything in a skirt.
1
Thank you for fresh, new thoughts. The butterfly, even while being pursued by an aggressive aspiring mate, never appears in all that great a hurry. Whether it's politically correct or not, most of us do like to be noticed.
Fascinating essay! So much to think about…
It got me thinking about whether I've ever found a physically disabled person sexually attractive. As a straight female, I can honestly say that I'm attracted to maybe 1% of the male population at large. Practically no one. I have found myself "gazing" at the men playing basketball in wheelchairs at my local gym. Because they are fit and look like they're having fun and enjoying life. Before Oscar Pistorius' murder charge, I definitely "gazed"/stared at/noticed his assets: good looking face, very fit and with a strong body. These physically disabled men are definitely hot in my eyes. I also recall noticing a man in a wheelchair "dancing" at a music performance, using his wheelchair to groove back and forth to the music. His spirit to join the fun atmosphere around him, without any hint of self-consciousness, was endearing. I would say that these men fall into the tiny 1% of men I find attractive because they outwardly showcase values that are meaningful to me (physical fitness, love of music).
I recall reading an article about the best way to meet your perfect mate was to "be you" to your max. If you love coffee and it makes you happy, go to the barista festivals around the world. When you're doing what you love and radiating happiness (like the wheelchair basketball players and wheelchair dancer) people notice your spirit above all else. And that's VERY attractive.
It got me thinking about whether I've ever found a physically disabled person sexually attractive. As a straight female, I can honestly say that I'm attracted to maybe 1% of the male population at large. Practically no one. I have found myself "gazing" at the men playing basketball in wheelchairs at my local gym. Because they are fit and look like they're having fun and enjoying life. Before Oscar Pistorius' murder charge, I definitely "gazed"/stared at/noticed his assets: good looking face, very fit and with a strong body. These physically disabled men are definitely hot in my eyes. I also recall noticing a man in a wheelchair "dancing" at a music performance, using his wheelchair to groove back and forth to the music. His spirit to join the fun atmosphere around him, without any hint of self-consciousness, was endearing. I would say that these men fall into the tiny 1% of men I find attractive because they outwardly showcase values that are meaningful to me (physical fitness, love of music).
I recall reading an article about the best way to meet your perfect mate was to "be you" to your max. If you love coffee and it makes you happy, go to the barista festivals around the world. When you're doing what you love and radiating happiness (like the wheelchair basketball players and wheelchair dancer) people notice your spirit above all else. And that's VERY attractive.
4
The article, i.e. author's views seem to confirm that saying: "A woman doesn't know what she wants ... but will not give you a peace until she gets it" and "Regardless if you do (i.e. natural, like everything else by evolutionary forces developed male "eye gaze") or don't do (no gaze and sympathetic, non-sexual interest instead) ... you are wrong."
Can the science conclude that Mother Evolution made half of the Homo Sapiens species (males) "deplorable", "sexist", etc. while the other half (female) and noble, moral and victims of those evolutionary forces which made the males?
Can the science conclude that Mother Evolution made half of the Homo Sapiens species (males) "deplorable", "sexist", etc. while the other half (female) and noble, moral and victims of those evolutionary forces which made the males?
1
Thank you for your article. As a woman approaching 70, I've been on the receiving end of male gazes in my youth, on the invisible side as I entered middle age and, now that I'm visually impaired, unaware of the male gaze most of the time.
In my 40's and 50's I enjoyed the invisibility. I could do outrageous acts as an invisible woman; It was fun and empowering. Yet I do remember the fear I felt as an insecure younger woman coming home late at night or alone on a deserted street and fearing the male gaze, never knowing where that would lead.
Now when I feel the need for an appreciative public male gaze (I'm happily married to an appreciative male feminist), I take myself to smaller public places where I can enjoy the flirtation and, armed with my vision cane, still feel strong and self assertive.
I know you yearn for recognition of ALL that you are. I applaud your courage in saying so. I'm hopeful for you that there are many you will encounter who will appreciate and recognize your beauty
In my 40's and 50's I enjoyed the invisibility. I could do outrageous acts as an invisible woman; It was fun and empowering. Yet I do remember the fear I felt as an insecure younger woman coming home late at night or alone on a deserted street and fearing the male gaze, never knowing where that would lead.
Now when I feel the need for an appreciative public male gaze (I'm happily married to an appreciative male feminist), I take myself to smaller public places where I can enjoy the flirtation and, armed with my vision cane, still feel strong and self assertive.
I know you yearn for recognition of ALL that you are. I applaud your courage in saying so. I'm hopeful for you that there are many you will encounter who will appreciate and recognize your beauty
4
My guess is that the men on the website didn't "become" respectful when they found out about your disability. Instead, what probably happened is that your disability filtered out the jerks and only the respectful ones (who were there all along but not visible in the noise) were left.
I'd hunt among those nice ones and see if any would overlook your disability and date you. It sounds like to me like there is a wonderful and smart person behind your disability if you can get someone to look that far.
I'd hunt among those nice ones and see if any would overlook your disability and date you. It sounds like to me like there is a wonderful and smart person behind your disability if you can get someone to look that far.
1
There are men for whom this is a non-issue, Jennifer. I know, as I am one. My wonderful wife of 30 years now is severely disabled from an autoimmune illness that left her legs withered at age 17 and her ankles fused and frozen. She never wears a dress as her braces would show. She is the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. We married after dating for two years, and I got not only her but her lovely, enraging, charming, prickly daughters as well, whom I adopted as adults, a rare thing in our society.
They have all been a blessing to me. When I too became prematurely disabled and unable to work, they all stood by me. My wife's love for me never diminished, as mine for hers has never done.
I wish you luck in connecting with a man for whom the you of you matters more than the what of you. We are out there. And we are looking for someone perceptive, intelligent, sensitive, and looking past the obvious, beautiful. Be strong, and be hopeful. I send you my love along with the rest of my submission.
They have all been a blessing to me. When I too became prematurely disabled and unable to work, they all stood by me. My wife's love for me never diminished, as mine for hers has never done.
I wish you luck in connecting with a man for whom the you of you matters more than the what of you. We are out there. And we are looking for someone perceptive, intelligent, sensitive, and looking past the obvious, beautiful. Be strong, and be hopeful. I send you my love along with the rest of my submission.
5
Wonderful and thoughtful article. We all have different experiences and reactions and there are no answers but this article raises interesting questions. As a man I definitely gaze more at women I find attractive or interesting. At the same time, my experience as a human has been largely as an invisible person -- it seems to me that there are billions of parallel lines running side by side on the planet and it is rare for any of the lines to cross.
1
Why is the term "male gaze" used to describe outright harassment and sexually-motivated assault?
Gazing is passive; often the object is unaware of it. Catcalls and groping, however, are aggressive acts that nobody could help being aware of.
The reason for raising this point is to combat prejudice. As a gay man, I don't want women with whom I might happen to make eye contact throughout the day - the dreaded male gaze - to lump me in with the boors and louts who treat women like objects. It diminishes me and it diminishes the woman.
Since none of us are mind readers, nobody can claim to know the thoughts behind another person's gaze. So let's stop complaining about the unknowable and use our words to better describe the actual problem, which is the inexcusable practice of male strangers harassing and assaulting women in public.
Gazing is passive; often the object is unaware of it. Catcalls and groping, however, are aggressive acts that nobody could help being aware of.
The reason for raising this point is to combat prejudice. As a gay man, I don't want women with whom I might happen to make eye contact throughout the day - the dreaded male gaze - to lump me in with the boors and louts who treat women like objects. It diminishes me and it diminishes the woman.
Since none of us are mind readers, nobody can claim to know the thoughts behind another person's gaze. So let's stop complaining about the unknowable and use our words to better describe the actual problem, which is the inexcusable practice of male strangers harassing and assaulting women in public.
7
This is likely to be abused by people who justify subjecting women to the Male Gaze: "women are such liars, they complain about being leered at but deep down they actually love it".
Bartlett's wish is fundamentally about being viewed as "normal", rather than "othered"; "desirable", rather than "pitied"; "seen", rather than "invisible".
Hers is a part of the human condition.
Bartlett's wish is fundamentally about being viewed as "normal", rather than "othered"; "desirable", rather than "pitied"; "seen", rather than "invisible".
Hers is a part of the human condition.
14
It's highly disturbing that objectification and degradation of women is so normalized that the author wants to experience it to feel "normal."
18
Do males of , say elephants, chimps, any other mammals (as we, Homo Sapiens are mammals) - when desiring to coppulate females of their species, "objectify" them first and than they do their stuff? Or isn't in the Mother Evolution, aka Mother Nature, which propels males of species to seek, in rather straightforward manner.
Modernity (unlike oppressive tool of patriarchal rule, a religion) commands us to look at us, humans, as part of nature, part of animal kindom, to be specific. We are, as genetists, educators and PC propaganda say and drill in our minds, in 99% the same as apes.
Do males of apes "objectify" females before a rump? At least hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary mighty forces shaped up how creatures, including humans, both males and females behave ... in order to survive
Do you, dear (Ms.) Reader feel that these evolutioray forces shaped males in bad, bad, imoral, whatever ways ... while shaping females in good, dood, moral ways instead?
So men indeed gaze at women, doing so in general in different ways and, on average, even approaching sex in different way than female process an approaching or possible sex.
Then, while the "culture" evolves and now command men tot to "harass" female with (supposedly or actually) "lustful" look, do you really believe that there is no evolution-determined behavior of women which is in conflict with contemporary "culture"?
Modernity (unlike oppressive tool of patriarchal rule, a religion) commands us to look at us, humans, as part of nature, part of animal kindom, to be specific. We are, as genetists, educators and PC propaganda say and drill in our minds, in 99% the same as apes.
Do males of apes "objectify" females before a rump? At least hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary mighty forces shaped up how creatures, including humans, both males and females behave ... in order to survive
Do you, dear (Ms.) Reader feel that these evolutioray forces shaped males in bad, bad, imoral, whatever ways ... while shaping females in good, dood, moral ways instead?
So men indeed gaze at women, doing so in general in different ways and, on average, even approaching sex in different way than female process an approaching or possible sex.
Then, while the "culture" evolves and now command men tot to "harass" female with (supposedly or actually) "lustful" look, do you really believe that there is no evolution-determined behavior of women which is in conflict with contemporary "culture"?
1
A great essay. I learned a long time ago as a children's protection social worker , and it stuck with me even as I changed jobs : teaching. The worst thing you can do to children is to show that you don't care about them. Physical abuse is preferable. We abhor both, but as a an adult I understand that being cared about is an essential basic element of our mind. Even abuse shows care. Stay strong Jennifer. You're not invisible to me.
4
"Abuse shows care". That's crazy.
I would just like Ms. Bartlett to know that this piece is fantastic. i'm able bodied, but i'm a physician and a parent of a (somewhat) disabled child. This article really opened my eyes.
8
To look or not to look, is that the question?
Is the male gaze in itself offensive, demeaning, harassing, and intended to objectify women? Clearly, and rightfully so, most women will find the unwanted attention by the "wrong male" offensive, scary,
even threatening. That's easy. And notice the often repeated cliché of the construction worksite catcalls. Do construction companies require a level of chauvinism before hiring? Or is that rough skill acquired while on-the-job training? No one claims that lawyers, dentists, and newspaper editors get together to catcall passing females during lunch break, but certainly some of them engage in sexual harassment.
So how about the passing complimentary look, the fleeting glance of approval of a fine tailored suit, a hair style, or elegantly crafted shoes? I have been the target of those looks from women. And I reciprocate accordingly.
Are we to believe such behavior is intrinsically demeaning, threatening, unwanted. And if so, why then do we, both men and women, spend billions dressing up, styling our hair, and wearing jewelry or make up?
Sexual harassment is not grounded upon sexual attraction. Sexual objectification is not grounded on sensuality. It should be clear by now and its consequences widely known. Take Roger Ailes, please.
Yet individuals in every generation learn certain behaviors which over time distort our innate sexuality.
Is the male gaze in itself offensive, demeaning, harassing, and intended to objectify women? Clearly, and rightfully so, most women will find the unwanted attention by the "wrong male" offensive, scary,
even threatening. That's easy. And notice the often repeated cliché of the construction worksite catcalls. Do construction companies require a level of chauvinism before hiring? Or is that rough skill acquired while on-the-job training? No one claims that lawyers, dentists, and newspaper editors get together to catcall passing females during lunch break, but certainly some of them engage in sexual harassment.
So how about the passing complimentary look, the fleeting glance of approval of a fine tailored suit, a hair style, or elegantly crafted shoes? I have been the target of those looks from women. And I reciprocate accordingly.
Are we to believe such behavior is intrinsically demeaning, threatening, unwanted. And if so, why then do we, both men and women, spend billions dressing up, styling our hair, and wearing jewelry or make up?
Sexual harassment is not grounded upon sexual attraction. Sexual objectification is not grounded on sensuality. It should be clear by now and its consequences widely known. Take Roger Ailes, please.
Yet individuals in every generation learn certain behaviors which over time distort our innate sexuality.
6
One positive development on the catcall front is the availability of cellphones with cameras. If a man in a truck or at a worksite with his employer's name and phone number displayed yells at me, I pull out my phone, snap a photo of him or his passing vehicle, and immediately call his employer. I have managed to get a couple of those men fired that way. And if the employer does not fire him immediately, the company receives a negative review on Yelp. One can fight back.
13
I bet you feel powerful and proud of yourself. Getting a man fired - who may depend on that job to put food in his kids mouths - for doing something the author of this article _would like_ to have happen to her. Shame on you.
2
Evolutionary forces make - in general - men seeing sex in different ways than women. Would you agree?
Then less sophisticated men react to those built-in evolutionary impulses ... well, in less sophisticated way.
Experience, studies, surveys, and tests show that - typically - females are much more "tolerant" of obviously rich, well-to-do, possible good-provider males than say those hard working, smelly construction workers.
As all of us also know - and studies confirm - statistically typical, i.e. average woman - can give a businessman much more leeway than say a K-12 teacher, despite him being soft, Renaissance man.
Then less sophisticated men react to those built-in evolutionary impulses ... well, in less sophisticated way.
Experience, studies, surveys, and tests show that - typically - females are much more "tolerant" of obviously rich, well-to-do, possible good-provider males than say those hard working, smelly construction workers.
As all of us also know - and studies confirm - statistically typical, i.e. average woman - can give a businessman much more leeway than say a K-12 teacher, despite him being soft, Renaissance man.
As someone with a disability being invisible comes not only from not being seen yet also from people not wanting to see us. Sometimes I fell it is from their own discomfort and from not wanting to think this could happen to them.
8
My guy friends complain about being pan handled downtown, walking a gauntlet of homeless men and women asking them for spare change. When I suggest they can just say "No" and question why it's a big deal, they say it's harassment and they shouldn't be subjected to it. Then I ask how that's different from women being cat called and harassed on the street, I'm told "That's just someone giving you a compliment." Oh.
14
Let me tell you a true story. At Enormous State University we had a severely physically disabled student who had almost no body control, not enough to operate an electric wheelchair. His aged parents would deliver him where he needed to be, and contracted with another student in each class to provide a copy of lecture notes for him to review. Since there was programming involved, his preferred language was APL, if you remember it--fewest keystrokes. After each lecture we instructors had a session when he could ask questions, slowly, using a head-mounted pointer and a board of common words and the alphabet. He was a hero to all of us.
One of my colleagues grew to be friends with the guy. He expressed a need for sexual release, using that same alphabet board. The professor had some reservations, but finally arranged for a paid sex worker to help our guy out. A good outcome, IMHO.
The guy went on to be a successful contract programmer, relieving his parents' worst fears about how he would carry on. I'm not diminishing the idea that his disability was a factor in his hiring, but he earned a living and the companies got some good PR.
One of my colleagues grew to be friends with the guy. He expressed a need for sexual release, using that same alphabet board. The professor had some reservations, but finally arranged for a paid sex worker to help our guy out. A good outcome, IMHO.
The guy went on to be a successful contract programmer, relieving his parents' worst fears about how he would carry on. I'm not diminishing the idea that his disability was a factor in his hiring, but he earned a living and the companies got some good PR.
15
This is a comment on the “male gaze”: I once became a regular visitor to a famous brothel in Tijuana from 2009 to 2013. In this brothel were usually about 20 to 50 scantily clad or partially nude, or completely nude pretty women. Men treated the prostitutes with the utmost respect. The men largely ignored the nude women just a foot away, and focused on watching sports on TV or socializing with their buddies over a beer, or socializing with an individual sex worker. Many of the customers, such as myself, were regulars who took a genuine interest in the prostitutes as people. Hugs and polite cheek kisses flowed between men and women and between women and women.
On my train ride home, I would always count how many different women I hugged (usually around 7 or 8). That was my measure of success - how many women in this world got to know how much I love them unconditionally and how much I valued something as simple as a hug from them!
After this experience, I just cannot bear reading any account of (predominately) puritanical American woman about her sex life, her sexual identity, etc etc. I now realize that for American woman, sex is about POWER, not human connection.
As for me, I have not hugged an American woman in years. I have become more afraid of them with each passing year.
On my train ride home, I would always count how many different women I hugged (usually around 7 or 8). That was my measure of success - how many women in this world got to know how much I love them unconditionally and how much I valued something as simple as a hug from them!
After this experience, I just cannot bear reading any account of (predominately) puritanical American woman about her sex life, her sexual identity, etc etc. I now realize that for American woman, sex is about POWER, not human connection.
As for me, I have not hugged an American woman in years. I have become more afraid of them with each passing year.
8
Someone who frequented a brothel is complaining that for American women sex is about power?
And did it ever occur to you that the hugs you so gallantly bestowed on the prostitutes were endured by them because it was, you know, their job?
And did it ever occur to you that the hugs you so gallantly bestowed on the prostitutes were endured by them because it was, you know, their job?
29
[continuation]
4. Like anyone in service who hopes to extract money from a customer, the sex workers at your brothel had to Be Nice. You confuse their sales act with deep gratitude for your hugs, "genuine" interest in them, etc. Your self-congratulation on your ride home about what a do-gooder you'd been, measured by "how many" sex workers you'd "honored" with your "unconditional love" (read: "benevolent-plantation-owner" attitude) & your pleasure at receiving a hug from them, only shows how much your power & entitlement have blinded you.
The women had *no choice* but to offer hugs. They had *no choice* but to act pleased & grateful when you professed to show "genuine interest" in them "as people." It's called "customer service."
If they *didn't* put on a seamless act of good cheer, gratitude, smiles & conviviality, they wouldn't make any sales. If they didn't make any sales, they not only wouldn't make the money they NEEDED, but also the person running the brothel would fire them. Then they'd probably need to turn to street-walking, which, among other things, puts one's life at risk.
So you prefer the relationships you had with women who were forced to act nice & grateful toward you--women over whom you wielded enormous economic power--to the relationships you might have with women who are free & far closer to equal to you. You say you're "afraid" of women who are free & almost your equal. And you think the problem is American women?
4. Like anyone in service who hopes to extract money from a customer, the sex workers at your brothel had to Be Nice. You confuse their sales act with deep gratitude for your hugs, "genuine" interest in them, etc. Your self-congratulation on your ride home about what a do-gooder you'd been, measured by "how many" sex workers you'd "honored" with your "unconditional love" (read: "benevolent-plantation-owner" attitude) & your pleasure at receiving a hug from them, only shows how much your power & entitlement have blinded you.
The women had *no choice* but to offer hugs. They had *no choice* but to act pleased & grateful when you professed to show "genuine interest" in them "as people." It's called "customer service."
If they *didn't* put on a seamless act of good cheer, gratitude, smiles & conviviality, they wouldn't make any sales. If they didn't make any sales, they not only wouldn't make the money they NEEDED, but also the person running the brothel would fire them. Then they'd probably need to turn to street-walking, which, among other things, puts one's life at risk.
So you prefer the relationships you had with women who were forced to act nice & grateful toward you--women over whom you wielded enormous economic power--to the relationships you might have with women who are free & far closer to equal to you. You say you're "afraid" of women who are free & almost your equal. And you think the problem is American women?
3
I'm sure American women are really weeping that a user of prostitutes is not hugging them. Really.
You thought of these "sex workers" as people and loved them "unconditionally?" Did you even know any of their last names?
Men like you, who disregard the female experience, contribute to a culture of violence against women.
You thought of these "sex workers" as people and loved them "unconditionally?" Did you even know any of their last names?
Men like you, who disregard the female experience, contribute to a culture of violence against women.
3
What a false dichotomy - being harassed by men on the street vs. being considered attractive by men. This isn't about feeling attractive, it's about the way that some men feel they have a right to pass judgement on women when nobody asked them. And BTW - the comments from men aren't always complimentary as any overweight woman can tell you - would you rather be invisible or be insulted for enraging men by simply existing?
30
I hope we all stop equating self worth by how others treat us.
15
Like for example yesterday I wore a tank top and I was noticed as compare to today when in my oversize shirt I barely register in anyone's consciousness, which is fine by me. The degree of acknowledgment of my existence without opening my mouth also depends on my hair at some level. When it is greasy and dirty my presence is not felt, but when I am having a good hair day, with my hair is flowing the attention is also flowing.
7
I sound daft, forgive me if I have inadvertently hurt anyone's feelings. I said above remark in jest I didn't mean to offend anyone. But I know how it feels to be ignored. When I was a teenager I was not at all attractive by any standards, and all my friends were already getting attention which I painfully could see was never directed towards me. Whenever i visited a friend in her house her older brother treated me sweetly, like one more sister but I could see how his behavior would change in the presence another far more attractive friend. I was so confused and didn't know what I wanted and I didn't even have any crush on him.
5
Not all of us “able” bodied women had or have the “acceptable body image” that made us visible to men. Sadly, I have found that few men look past those standards of physical beauty to the woman and many of us single women experience being totally invisible our entire life.
My mother had polio from which she has a lifelong disability, she met my Dad, a man who saw the woman and not the disability and they were married 45 years. But not all of us are lucky enough to meet a man like my father.
My mother had polio from which she has a lifelong disability, she met my Dad, a man who saw the woman and not the disability and they were married 45 years. But not all of us are lucky enough to meet a man like my father.
24
I have noticed that attire and body language also decide how much attention you get in life. Even if a woman is not a great beauty if she wears figure enhancing or beautiful sensual clothes and carries herself confidently there's never a problem in being noticed or getting people to turn their heads. And if a beautiful woman is modest who hides herself in baggy, masculine clothes and haircuts then she will not receive much of that particular male gaze. And life can't be all about evolution, natural selection, procreation and reproduction if it was then where do gay people fit in, if men were wired just to spread their seed then what about gay men?
5
A "beautiful woman is modest who hides herself in baggy, masculine clothes and haircuts then she will not receive much of that particular male gaze."
False.
Men harass women *all the time* even when such women wear "baggy" clothes (these clothes are *unisex,* btw, not masculine, whether they're sweat pants + sweatshirt, hip-hop baggies, etc) & short-cropped haircuts. Men harass even women who deliberately mimic male body language.
Example: I recall one bitter cold winter night I went running in NYC's East River Park. I was bundled head-to-toe in bulky clothes: ski pants over sweat pants; parka; the parka's hood over a toque with ear flaps; neck gaiter pulled up so far that, with the hat, I had only a 1-inch "burkha slit" thru wh to look. I'm 5'10" with a boyish build (narrow hips, small breasts, developed delts & lats), & I was long ago trained to run efficiently, with straight forward-&-back arm motions, etc., so, no, I don't "run like a girl." The only thing that cd've given away that I was female was probably a bit of my chin-length blond hair poking out from b/n the toque & neck gaiter. I hoped I'd see no one in the park, so I cd enjoy my own thoughts.
I saw ONE guy. He was working class, Latino, in his 40s-50s. I was a recent college grad, white. He hooted & crowed at me; offered sex in the crudest terms possible.
Street harassment is about power--men declaring that they own the public sphere--not what women wear. You're blaming the vic.
False.
Men harass women *all the time* even when such women wear "baggy" clothes (these clothes are *unisex,* btw, not masculine, whether they're sweat pants + sweatshirt, hip-hop baggies, etc) & short-cropped haircuts. Men harass even women who deliberately mimic male body language.
Example: I recall one bitter cold winter night I went running in NYC's East River Park. I was bundled head-to-toe in bulky clothes: ski pants over sweat pants; parka; the parka's hood over a toque with ear flaps; neck gaiter pulled up so far that, with the hat, I had only a 1-inch "burkha slit" thru wh to look. I'm 5'10" with a boyish build (narrow hips, small breasts, developed delts & lats), & I was long ago trained to run efficiently, with straight forward-&-back arm motions, etc., so, no, I don't "run like a girl." The only thing that cd've given away that I was female was probably a bit of my chin-length blond hair poking out from b/n the toque & neck gaiter. I hoped I'd see no one in the park, so I cd enjoy my own thoughts.
I saw ONE guy. He was working class, Latino, in his 40s-50s. I was a recent college grad, white. He hooted & crowed at me; offered sex in the crudest terms possible.
Street harassment is about power--men declaring that they own the public sphere--not what women wear. You're blaming the vic.
2
This essay reminds me of the Key and Peele skit where they are slaves on the auction block and slowly their offense shifts from being sold as property to not being purchased as they seem to be ignored. I appreciate that you want to feel normal and normal in our society is for women to be demeaned and dehumanized, but perhaps we could all instead wish for a system where all people are treated with respect be it despite their gender or despite their disability?
17
I have made a comment already but I thought this was worth noting for the future of the series. I have to sometimes use a catheter to drain my bladder and because I cannot bring myself to do that sort of sewer work, a friend who is a dominatrix does it for me. She illuminated an entire sector of the sex work industry which specifically caters to disabled people, both men and women. Some of us can develop some sort of relationship and human contact, others cannot. We judge sex workers but here is an area o amazing compassion. I am for the legalization and regulation of prostitution. This does not mean I am a customer, I am from Chicago and my former live in girlfriend was a stripper who was part of a very big contingent of activist sex workers in Chicago. She was able to eventually get out of stripping, beat an addiction and runs a photography studio with HUD as a client, married but sending her daughter to private school with her own finances, (she was always incredible with that). She also has a fantastic series from 10 days at Occupy Wall Street where she captioned the photos of her experience growing up in foster care and what the movement meant to her. This is all just to say there is a relationship to the invisibility and struggle of disabled people and sex workers, meeting in a place where tragedy begets compassion.
14
This article was really insightful and although I am a male with a mild case of CP affecting my right leg I feel I like I can empathize with you. Honestly its always been pretty tough trying to fit in especially now in my 20s with the rest of the guys (especially physically) when in many social situations. Going out can be tough especially crowded bars not trying to knock into other people or trip over something. I was a groomsmen at a friends wedding recently and had to walk down the aisle with a bridesmaid it was incredibly stressful just because I felt like I could read the minds of all the people watching me. I really liked this piece because it ends on a somber note and I know that sounds dark but a lot of times you see stories written about disabled people that end on these positive notes and all these achievements but this highlights the ongoing everyday struggle and its almost comforting to know I'm not alone (sorry if that sounds corny). I've tried dating apps as well but I feel weird if I'm not honest with my match because it would pain me more to see the surprised look on their face if we actually met. I see all these memes about the tough transitions "20 somethings" face with all my friends commenting and I wish every day that paying rent, getting in better shape, and perfecting the stupid one-liners when talking to girls at the bar were the most of my worries.
15
great article. thanks
5
When I first came to NYC as a young girl I was continually harassed in the streets by men. Then the Womens' Movement took over and slowly, over the years, men's attentions stopped. How thrilling! Men had gotten the message and were changing their behavior! However, it was then pointed out that I was now a woman in her 50's and therefore invisible.
26
This is a beautifully honest article, which reveals something depressing : that some people see behaviour as sexual harassment, or objectification, not because of what is done, but because of who is doing it. To quote from the article:
"I also do understand what it feels like to get attention from the wrong man. It’s gross. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary and tedious. And in certain cases, traumatic."
Various commenters make similar points:
Beverly:
"Sexual harassment" is only positive when you reciprocate those feelings of sexual attraction, and if you reciprocate those feelings, then it isn't "sexual harassment".
Vstrwbery:
"In my younger years I had great difficulty parsing sexual attention into objectification (bad) from wanted attention (good). "
Marti Klever:
"I get a kick out of men looking at me as I walk out in public, but actually only certain kinds of men. I don't want creeps looking me over."
This view of sexual harassment (that its not the behaviour that's the problem, its the person doing it) has many problems. For one, it turns sexual harassment into a subjective matter of opinion, rather than an objective matter of fact. This does a disservice to people who are subject to "real" sexual harassment, which to me, is behaviour that is unacceptable and wrong no matter who is doing it.
"I also do understand what it feels like to get attention from the wrong man. It’s gross. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary and tedious. And in certain cases, traumatic."
Various commenters make similar points:
Beverly:
"Sexual harassment" is only positive when you reciprocate those feelings of sexual attraction, and if you reciprocate those feelings, then it isn't "sexual harassment".
Vstrwbery:
"In my younger years I had great difficulty parsing sexual attention into objectification (bad) from wanted attention (good). "
Marti Klever:
"I get a kick out of men looking at me as I walk out in public, but actually only certain kinds of men. I don't want creeps looking me over."
This view of sexual harassment (that its not the behaviour that's the problem, its the person doing it) has many problems. For one, it turns sexual harassment into a subjective matter of opinion, rather than an objective matter of fact. This does a disservice to people who are subject to "real" sexual harassment, which to me, is behaviour that is unacceptable and wrong no matter who is doing it.
9
Oh for heaven's sake. Yes, the same types of behavior can be harassment in one context but not another, and it can turn on who is doing it. This is a REALLY simple concept that you are making complex:
Harassment is behavior that you do not want to experience and is not consented to. For example, if a guy I am dating texts me a lot, late at night, that's not harassment. If a man I broke up with, or am not dating, texts me late at night, that could be harassment. Why? Same behavior. If my husband gropes me or has sex with me, that's ok. If strange man on the street does it, it's not. Why? Same behavior. If my husband tells me that he loves xyz part of my body, that's ok. If a guy on the street says it, it's not. Why? Same behavior.
Harassment by definition is behavior that is unwanted. There will always be a subjective component. Under the law, harassment must be subjectively perceived before it is actionable.
I am tired of sad men whining about the fact that women don't want sexual attention from people they're not sexually attracted to, and how awful it is that they have to respect women's autonomy in that regard. It's really not some great conspiracy.
Harassment is behavior that you do not want to experience and is not consented to. For example, if a guy I am dating texts me a lot, late at night, that's not harassment. If a man I broke up with, or am not dating, texts me late at night, that could be harassment. Why? Same behavior. If my husband gropes me or has sex with me, that's ok. If strange man on the street does it, it's not. Why? Same behavior. If my husband tells me that he loves xyz part of my body, that's ok. If a guy on the street says it, it's not. Why? Same behavior.
Harassment by definition is behavior that is unwanted. There will always be a subjective component. Under the law, harassment must be subjectively perceived before it is actionable.
I am tired of sad men whining about the fact that women don't want sexual attention from people they're not sexually attracted to, and how awful it is that they have to respect women's autonomy in that regard. It's really not some great conspiracy.
9
A powerful piece. Thank you.
2
There is a totem pole of human conditions.
Since Ms. Bartlett is able to do almost everything able-bodied women do, she'd probably be somewhere above the middle of the totem pole. And she aspires to be treated like those right above her on the totem pole -- "normal" women.
Those of us who are "normal" women, in turn, aspire to be treated like those located right above us on the totem pole -- "normal" men.
Ms. Bartlett has given us lots to think about. Great essay.
Since Ms. Bartlett is able to do almost everything able-bodied women do, she'd probably be somewhere above the middle of the totem pole. And she aspires to be treated like those right above her on the totem pole -- "normal" women.
Those of us who are "normal" women, in turn, aspire to be treated like those located right above us on the totem pole -- "normal" men.
Ms. Bartlett has given us lots to think about. Great essay.
7
I am always rather puzzled by other women claiming how the male gaze is such a problem in their lives. If that were really true, you would expect women to cover up a lot more than men, while in fact it is women who overall wear much more revealing clothing than men.
9
Have you ever experienced the male gaze and/or been sexually harassed? If not, you are not qualified to comment on other womens' experience with it.
"Covering up" really has nothing to do with attracting the male gaze. I have gone through periods in my life where I wore no makeup and baggy clothes, and it made no difference at all.
You clearly do not know what you are talking about.
"Covering up" really has nothing to do with attracting the male gaze. I have gone through periods in my life where I wore no makeup and baggy clothes, and it made no difference at all.
You clearly do not know what you are talking about.
8
Really? What about the men who are in nothing but shorts or boxers all summer? Women should be free to wear what they please and not be in constant fear of harassment...
10
Half a dozen other women commenters left personal experiences saying the opposite - they get ignored in baggy clothes or bad hair. So maybe he has a point you just don't want to listen to because he is a man.
1
Spot on Jennifer Bartlett. Life with a disability is filled with conflict and reward. We must question and explore and be honest. No mean task, but one you have at hand. Thanks.
5
Thank you for a fresh and challenging perspective beautifully expressed. Will find your poetry.
8
Thank you so much for this piece. My daughter has CP. She's the most amazing, beautiful being. As are you. You contain a whole universe of staggering beauty. I must have faith that some day the world will see her and all people who don't fit in to the mainstream the same way that I see her. Again thank you for speaking out, and thank you to the NYT for providing the forum.
13
This article and the readers' comments are totally wrong. Catcalls, groping, leering, and other forms of sexual harassment is not about sex, it is about violence against women. The author is not ignored because she lacks attractiveness. The reason is that we all feel uneasy at someone with a disability for different reasons by different individuals. An example that sexual harassment is not about sex: an elderly friend wanted me to come out and meet her outside my townhouse. I told her I was in my pajamas and didn't want the construction men in the development next to us to see me. She told me they were too busy working to notice us. I disagreed. She then left towards her townhouse and was bombarded with whistles and catcalls. I called her on the phone to find out if she was alright. She was totally disturbed and could not understand: "I'm old enough to be a grandmother!" I reminded her it was not about sex but about violence towards women. It is disturbing that so many in our society, in a culture that fights for the rights of women, are still clueless and ignorant about this fact.
10
So all whistles and catcalls are about 'violence towards women'? Construction men were catcalling an 'elderly woman'? Enough with the drama, please. Someone is clearly imagining things. Has anyone else here witnessed an 'elderly woman' being the subject of catcalls?? Sometimes men exhibiting their 'manliness', esp. in front of other 'manly men', has more to do with his own insecurities and self-image, than anything about 'violence' towards women.
2
@ Lisa: 1. Yes, in NYC I've witnessed construction workers catcalling elderly women many times.
2. While "violence" may be too strong a word, catcalling IS about male dominance over women in public, male displays of power over women, & males arrogating ownership of the streets to themselves, away from women.
Catcalling has very little to do with sexual attraction. While catcalling men sometimes do feel attracted to the victim, they also do it even when they *don't* feel any such attraction. They catcall average-looking women, they catcall elderly women, they catcall lesbian couples, they catcall nuns. If they find a woman ugly (particularly if she's fat), instead of catcalling they insult her--as if she *owes* it to them to make herself meet their standards of beauty. They do it to feel powerful, to display their power to other men, & to bond with other men over their shared power over women.
You say "Sometimes men exhibiting their 'manliness', esp. in front of other 'manly men', has more to do with [their] own insecurities and self-image." Macho insecurity is part of it sometimes, but the far more important part is that they're displaying their male privilege to everyone, male & female. They're saying, in effect, We as men own the streets. All other things we can see, including women, are just objects we are free to judge, fantasize about, & inflict our presence & words upon, interrupting their thoughts & destroying their status as the subjects of their own lives.
2. While "violence" may be too strong a word, catcalling IS about male dominance over women in public, male displays of power over women, & males arrogating ownership of the streets to themselves, away from women.
Catcalling has very little to do with sexual attraction. While catcalling men sometimes do feel attracted to the victim, they also do it even when they *don't* feel any such attraction. They catcall average-looking women, they catcall elderly women, they catcall lesbian couples, they catcall nuns. If they find a woman ugly (particularly if she's fat), instead of catcalling they insult her--as if she *owes* it to them to make herself meet their standards of beauty. They do it to feel powerful, to display their power to other men, & to bond with other men over their shared power over women.
You say "Sometimes men exhibiting their 'manliness', esp. in front of other 'manly men', has more to do with [their] own insecurities and self-image." Macho insecurity is part of it sometimes, but the far more important part is that they're displaying their male privilege to everyone, male & female. They're saying, in effect, We as men own the streets. All other things we can see, including women, are just objects we are free to judge, fantasize about, & inflict our presence & words upon, interrupting their thoughts & destroying their status as the subjects of their own lives.
3
" The author is not ignored because she lacks attractiveness. The reason is that we all feel uneasy at someone with a disability for different reasons by different individuals. "
That is the point. That is the exclusion, the fear and discomfort of the Unknown, that is the PROBLEM and that is why when she is included in the sexual harassment, that problem is negated.
That is the point. That is the exclusion, the fear and discomfort of the Unknown, that is the PROBLEM and that is why when she is included in the sexual harassment, that problem is negated.
2
Wow! I never considered this perspective. Thanks for writing it...
3
I am a visibly disabled woman in my twenties, and the experience that the author describes does not resonate with me at all. I am frequently harassed (and even sexually assaulted) by men in public. It isn't a compliment on my attractiveness, but rather a comment on the ways in which my (disabled, female) body is seen as public property. Sexual objectification isn't about sexual desire. It's about power and control.
89
Our attractions to youth, beauty, status and wealth are all perfectly natural and deeply rooted in our basest instincts--if not particularly admirable.
Our nobler selves tell us that we ought to be drawn to people who are kind, thoughtful, loyal and giving--people who will love us and be attracted to us for those same qualities. Instead, we are drawn to people who are strong, confident, beautiful and physically symmetrical because they are the most likely to produce healthy and competitive offspring when their genes are combined with our own Oh, and it doesn't hurt if these gamete dispensers are rich and have high social status.
These instincts are so powerful that they affect our choices even if we don't plan to have children. They also account for our aversions to people who are disabled, enfeebled or just ill.
These instincts stretch way, way down the evolutionary shrub. They're nothing to be ashamed of. And they're nothing to be proud of, either. They're the legacy of our evolution through natural selection.
The best we can do is to imagine ourselves as one of the afflicted, and to try to act with care and decency rather than giving in to our baser impulses to turn away. Soon enough, the day will come when each of us will want for a little of that compassion.
Our nobler selves tell us that we ought to be drawn to people who are kind, thoughtful, loyal and giving--people who will love us and be attracted to us for those same qualities. Instead, we are drawn to people who are strong, confident, beautiful and physically symmetrical because they are the most likely to produce healthy and competitive offspring when their genes are combined with our own Oh, and it doesn't hurt if these gamete dispensers are rich and have high social status.
These instincts are so powerful that they affect our choices even if we don't plan to have children. They also account for our aversions to people who are disabled, enfeebled or just ill.
These instincts stretch way, way down the evolutionary shrub. They're nothing to be ashamed of. And they're nothing to be proud of, either. They're the legacy of our evolution through natural selection.
The best we can do is to imagine ourselves as one of the afflicted, and to try to act with care and decency rather than giving in to our baser impulses to turn away. Soon enough, the day will come when each of us will want for a little of that compassion.
19
"Instead, we are drawn to people who are strong, confident, beautiful and physically symmetrical because they are the most likely to produce healthy and competitive offspring when their genes are combined with our own."
I read this all the time. And yet, if evolution left us with this heritage, it would have left other successful animals with it as well. Cats don't care what other cats look like. Dogs, ditto. Cows. Horses. Can you name a single other species whose members mate preferentially with beautiful and symmetrical prospective co-parents? Preferably of the mammal persuasion. I'll give you birds, whose evolutionary track split off from ours a very long time ago.
I read this all the time. And yet, if evolution left us with this heritage, it would have left other successful animals with it as well. Cats don't care what other cats look like. Dogs, ditto. Cows. Horses. Can you name a single other species whose members mate preferentially with beautiful and symmetrical prospective co-parents? Preferably of the mammal persuasion. I'll give you birds, whose evolutionary track split off from ours a very long time ago.
5
Very true and I think as a disabled person, you need to accept this but part of the problem is a lack of science education so all diseases are genetic.
To that there is one group of women automatically attracted to disabled men: women with disabled fathers.
Evolution has an interesting way of creating diversity just in case.
I also have a daughter, I didn't know her mother was mentally ill, she is not living with the mother who has disowned her and I'm just waiting for the issue to pop. She's a really weird and wonderful girl but I am given to seeing everything she does as an indication of the mental illness revealing itself.
Her mom has been married three times and every divorce centered around an episode. Three separate children. Hence, this may be a counter to your argument and we disabled people can take care of ourselves those with mental illness often cannot but are much more in the reproductive mainstream.
To that there is one group of women automatically attracted to disabled men: women with disabled fathers.
Evolution has an interesting way of creating diversity just in case.
I also have a daughter, I didn't know her mother was mentally ill, she is not living with the mother who has disowned her and I'm just waiting for the issue to pop. She's a really weird and wonderful girl but I am given to seeing everything she does as an indication of the mental illness revealing itself.
Her mom has been married three times and every divorce centered around an episode. Three separate children. Hence, this may be a counter to your argument and we disabled people can take care of ourselves those with mental illness often cannot but are much more in the reproductive mainstream.
2
The best you can do is better. Fight your base unfiltered impulses and use your consciousness to reassess your reaction and be open and inclusive in every thought and deed. compassion is pitying, openness is meeting others head on and seeing them for everything they are, and seeing how we are all as imperfect input own ways, all different in our own ways, and this all exactly the same.
Women become invisible when they age or when they have a disability because our culture only values women for one thing. It's either termed as "sex" or procreation. It's debilitating on a very different level and in my opinion a much deeper As a result, a woman's opinion is rarely given the same respect as a man's or even a boy's. Some cultures don't even recognize a woman's testimony without male confirmation or their right to exist as fully human within that culture.
I offer this view not to criticize the author, her feelings and concerns have substance and relevance for her and obviously others, but rather to suggest that "visibility" or relevance should be based on what a person has to offer from an intellectual or experience point of view not based on how one looks. Unfortunately for women, we have yet to come very far.
I offer this view not to criticize the author, her feelings and concerns have substance and relevance for her and obviously others, but rather to suggest that "visibility" or relevance should be based on what a person has to offer from an intellectual or experience point of view not based on how one looks. Unfortunately for women, we have yet to come very far.
12
This article makes me think of Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" where he describes himself as being invisible to white people because he is different. I don't know what it is like to have a disability (thank you for writing about it in this article) but I have experienced white people speaking about me in the third person when I'm right next to them (addressing another white person instead of me directly).
I think people just have a difficulty in dealing with people who are different.
I think people just have a difficulty in dealing with people who are different.
12
You should get to know some lesbians. They might tell you differently. There is a very aggressive style as part of the subculture which is based in the necessity of past prejudice and fear of people to come out.
This writer is conflating desirability with rude objectification by men. I find this disturbing. It's never a compliment if a stranger asks you if you are wearing panties. In the same way that rape is not about a woman's beauty or desirability, but rather a warped and twisted view of women and of power by certain men.
I don't have a disability, and I never turned men's heads or elicited cat calls. I never wished I did. This author is looking in the wrong places for male attention, and is using the wrong yardstick.
I don't have a disability, and I never turned men's heads or elicited cat calls. I never wished I did. This author is looking in the wrong places for male attention, and is using the wrong yardstick.
34
Best reply so far. Yes, we all want to feel desired. But the "male gaze" as understood by feminists like Jessica Valenti, has to do with power, not mutual recognition of women's desire. Maybe Jennifer has not had enough admiring gazes that feel like just that: desire with respect. Or at least desire without disrespect.
While those women who have not experienced invisibility may not understand (yet), it is surely unfair to assume that one state is worse than the other. These states of invisibility or aggressive attention are merely two sides of the same coin.
I appreciate Jennifer's honesty, but she hasn't though this through.
While those women who have not experienced invisibility may not understand (yet), it is surely unfair to assume that one state is worse than the other. These states of invisibility or aggressive attention are merely two sides of the same coin.
I appreciate Jennifer's honesty, but she hasn't though this through.
1
A man once said to me, "It's better to be looked over than to be overlooked." I knew what he meant. He meant "looked over" by men. It's a conflict for all women, of all body types. Women experience great ambivalence when it comes to what we need, expect, desire and want from men, that it is almost impossible to be objective about the subject about the male gaze. I get a kick out of men looking at me as I walk out in public, but actually only certain kinds of men. I don't want creeps looking me over. I don't want men making insulting comments. I don't like it when groups of men whistle obscenely or cat-call after me as I pass by. And I don't want anyone I don't know to touch me, or suggestively brush up against me. But again - I do enjoy it when a nice-looking man gives me the once-over. And then again, I am not even completely comfortable with that because I don't know how to respond to such scrutiny. Should I flirt back? Strut my stuff? And then there is the matter of clothing. I live in a city in which cleavage is kosher. Lots of it. A less modest friend of mine counseled me to "Loosen up. If you got it, flaunt it." So I did. I do. And I have to admit it's fun getting those looks. But the fact is that this is an uncomfortable issue for me, and most of my friends.
14
I like a double-take from my husband when I'm dressed attractively. I don't really want that kind of look from any other man. I do like to have either men or women, or children, look me in the eyes and smile at me. That is acknowledgment of me as a person, and also an expression of good will. Surely not mystifying as to why I like it. I try to offer other people this as well.
7
Very interesting, revealing essay.
You sound like a woman well worth knowing and men who overlook you are the poorer for it, I'm sure. I hope you find that special one who can see how truly special you are.
You sound like a woman well worth knowing and men who overlook you are the poorer for it, I'm sure. I hope you find that special one who can see how truly special you are.
8
In March 2001, I met a truly wonderful woman perhaps very much like you... ambulatory, but with no other noticeable CP manifestations. I knew before that first meeting was up that I was someday going to marry her... and I did later that year.
What was different? I grew up in a troubled environment, and had many issues working to get past the aftereffects. I have known pain, suffering, and loneliness, and had to struggle to get past them. In her, I saw someone who had done the same. Her disability highlighted her incredible grace and courage, all were *signs of strength and character* - compelling characteristics, rather than negative detracting points against her. She was warm, and incredibly intelligent, with more education than me - a real gem!
Well, we are now past the fifteen year point. We are both quite a bit older, look different, and her CP has caused more problems than even she expected. Many people with CP walk with a gait that is really bad on the knees and ankles, and so it was with her. She now spends most of her active day in a wheelchair. Yet, marrying her was easily, joyfully, one of the best decisions of my life. She's got problems, but so does everyone - me included. I was fortunate enough to look deeper, past the CP, and find the diamond within.
You write, edit books on poetry, and are published in the NYT. Some day, someone wonderful will look past your disability, see all of you, and do a "say what?!" They are out there! It will happen. Trust me!
What was different? I grew up in a troubled environment, and had many issues working to get past the aftereffects. I have known pain, suffering, and loneliness, and had to struggle to get past them. In her, I saw someone who had done the same. Her disability highlighted her incredible grace and courage, all were *signs of strength and character* - compelling characteristics, rather than negative detracting points against her. She was warm, and incredibly intelligent, with more education than me - a real gem!
Well, we are now past the fifteen year point. We are both quite a bit older, look different, and her CP has caused more problems than even she expected. Many people with CP walk with a gait that is really bad on the knees and ankles, and so it was with her. She now spends most of her active day in a wheelchair. Yet, marrying her was easily, joyfully, one of the best decisions of my life. She's got problems, but so does everyone - me included. I was fortunate enough to look deeper, past the CP, and find the diamond within.
You write, edit books on poetry, and are published in the NYT. Some day, someone wonderful will look past your disability, see all of you, and do a "say what?!" They are out there! It will happen. Trust me!
19
Please listen to what she has to say. Disability often makes us seem invisible or undesirable or incapable or unimportant.
It doesn't matter whether or not you think having men pay attention on the street is bad or good. Listen to how she feels isolated, marginalized -- left out. Think about how different or similar it may be to your experience. But pay attention. Hear her. Empathize.
It doesn't matter whether or not you think having men pay attention on the street is bad or good. Listen to how she feels isolated, marginalized -- left out. Think about how different or similar it may be to your experience. But pay attention. Hear her. Empathize.
20
Great piece! Of course, those of us who are 'able-bodied' get to discover what sexual invisibility is like - after the age of 70.
4
Here are my thoughts. Optimally, one would want to be considered as a human being and wanted as an aesthetically attractive person (dare I use the word object) some of the time, SIMULTANEOUSLY. The problems come when one is sexualized as an object with no regard to humanness or the needs/wants/feelings of being a separate human being from the objectifier. So simultaneous consideration is best. And when that is not possible, IT IS NEVER WRONG to default to treating a person like a human being, like you would treat your mother, sister, or daughter (hopefully) with an ability to see and acknowledge that other people have needs/wants/desires which are not the same as yours and that your needs do not supercede anyone else's needs.
In my younger years I had great difficulty parsing sexual attention into objectification (bad) from wanted attention (good). Attention even seems like too strong of a word...more like sexually considered. It is further complicated by popular culture's promulgation of sexual attention as "good" and the belief that the most lauded role a woman can have is as a sex object.
In my younger years I had great difficulty parsing sexual attention into objectification (bad) from wanted attention (good). Attention even seems like too strong of a word...more like sexually considered. It is further complicated by popular culture's promulgation of sexual attention as "good" and the belief that the most lauded role a woman can have is as a sex object.
3
To take the devil's advocate point of view, consider the act of a man "whipping his head around in a doorway" to leer at a desirable women. It's an involuntary movement. I'd argue that this behavior, and related annoying at-a-distance behavior described in the article is just a typical manifestation of hormonally charged and neuro-endocrinologically driven sexual behavior that developed culturally as a manifestation of natural selection. It's well known that physical cues such as symmetry, body shape, genital size and shape, perceived healthiness etc. all are natural cues that trigger these behaviors basically as an initiator of sexual behavior that is designed to end in sexual activity to propagate the species. It's involuntary behavior in the male observer and instinctual, and natural. That doesn't mean its nice or socially desirable. Just real, so maybe ease up on the male condemnation here. Often, we can't help it.
6
You can help it. As a gay/bi woman, I confess I will look at a pretty woman, or, less often, a handsome man, with, as Jimmy Carter famously said, lust in my heart. I may even be in a position where I can appreciate the view for a prolonged period of time, and take advantage of that.
However, if you were to inform any of these strangers after the fact that I had done so, they would be astonished. Because I do not ogle, and certainly do not whistle, pursue, or make remarks. You can look without staring, whipping your head around, etc.
However, if you were to inform any of these strangers after the fact that I had done so, they would be astonished. Because I do not ogle, and certainly do not whistle, pursue, or make remarks. You can look without staring, whipping your head around, etc.
15
"it's an involuntary movement."
What, please. This is not what an "involuntary movement" is. You're not toddlers. Control yourselves. I'm really not sure why men think they have zero responsibility for controlling their own behavior but also believe that they should get to run the country. Hmm.
What, please. This is not what an "involuntary movement" is. You're not toddlers. Control yourselves. I'm really not sure why men think they have zero responsibility for controlling their own behavior but also believe that they should get to run the country. Hmm.
9
Great comment, C's daughter. Well put.
Thank you for this authentic and vulnerable piece. I have a brother with cerebral palsy. I truly know little to nothing about it, in part because his condition is more subtle and our parents never really talked about it. Your succinct story just helped me understand his struggle on a much deeper level...after 37 years. I myself am transgender and I have spent a lot of time being angry with him for not realizing the challenges I have faced. Now, I am thinking that I have spent too much time playing 'woe is me' without acknowledging or appreciating what he has gone through. A light bulb just went off. This will bring me closer to my younger brother. Thank you sincerely.
2
wow. what a tremendously insightful and shrewdly conceived piece. I learned.
3
So many of the comments here are very heartfelt. They reveal vulnerabilities and a shared humanity of daily life - esp. the deeply personal aspects that Jennifer Bartlett has shared with us. We need to be sharing and conversing these things with each other more often since they universally cross political, racial and gender boundaries.
1
There is a big difference between appreciation and abuse. I am a straight guy. Since I was 15 years old I have had men and women of all ages express their attraction to me. I am not boasting, but it has been interesting as a straight guy. Male attention, care and sexual advances definitely have a different feel than female flirtation. For the most part, I have felt very appreciated, which I enjoy. I have also experienced guys who were presumptuous or disturbing - not so great. On the other side, I have known women to be pleasant, caring or taunting in their banter, which can be fun, or not so great. Not all male expressions of sexual interest are 'abuse'. This oversimplifies things, and casts men in a negative light. The world is more nuanced than this. Please, ladies, take a more realistic view.
5
RAB, I was with you until you, a man, began to explain to the ladies how our view isn't realistic. Our view is perfectly realistic. If it differs from yours, it differs, that's all.
9
There are many things that came to mind while reading this piece. What sticks with me though is that I believe harrasment, is harrassment, is harrassment- however it manifests itself. This is not a contest, nor should it be.
13
You are talking about 3 different things:
1) your feelings as an "invisible" woman. There are very many invisible women -- I've been one all my life, simply because I'm pudgy and unattractive. I've considered it a marvelous consolation prize that I've never had to worry about catcalls & sexual aggression. Not for a minute would I actually wish that some idiot would leer at me. Get real. That makes as much sense as wishing for a flat tire on the freeway.
2) your attribution of your sexual invisibility to your cerebral palsy. Yeah, that semi-sucks. Semi, because it probably does mean that men looking for sex won't head in your direction at cocktail parties -- depriving you of a lengthy series of one-night stands. If that's your aim, get therapy. If you want a multi-dimensional relationship, get to know people. Actively. Work at it. Some people won't respond. The rest of us get over it, & so will you.
3) people are often stupid and rude when they meet a disabled person. True. And especially hurtful when they act as though you don't exist. My personal take on that is that it entitles you to be equally stupid and rude. Tell them what they're doing. Point out that they should be speaking to you, looking at you, acknowledging you. And if they are just hyper-sensitive and awkward, offer encouragement. A generous spirit is a lovely thing to cultivate. A sense of humor doesn't hurt, either
1) your feelings as an "invisible" woman. There are very many invisible women -- I've been one all my life, simply because I'm pudgy and unattractive. I've considered it a marvelous consolation prize that I've never had to worry about catcalls & sexual aggression. Not for a minute would I actually wish that some idiot would leer at me. Get real. That makes as much sense as wishing for a flat tire on the freeway.
2) your attribution of your sexual invisibility to your cerebral palsy. Yeah, that semi-sucks. Semi, because it probably does mean that men looking for sex won't head in your direction at cocktail parties -- depriving you of a lengthy series of one-night stands. If that's your aim, get therapy. If you want a multi-dimensional relationship, get to know people. Actively. Work at it. Some people won't respond. The rest of us get over it, & so will you.
3) people are often stupid and rude when they meet a disabled person. True. And especially hurtful when they act as though you don't exist. My personal take on that is that it entitles you to be equally stupid and rude. Tell them what they're doing. Point out that they should be speaking to you, looking at you, acknowledging you. And if they are just hyper-sensitive and awkward, offer encouragement. A generous spirit is a lovely thing to cultivate. A sense of humor doesn't hurt, either
10
Jennifer: I wonder who wrote the headline for your essay. I can't believe you would mean that you are "Longing for the Male Gaze". You are already receiving the 'male gaze', in the sense that men 'gaze' at you but immediately discard you up as unworthy. What the headline could have much better conveyed is that you are longing to be considered, by the opposite gender, as being equal in value to women who do not have cerebral palsy. The next step, of course, would be to wish that all women could someday be considered equal to the opposite gender.
7
I can't tell you how much I LOVE this article!!
Lovely Jennifer... thank you...
To the women who think feminism centers around some guys acting dotty around them (as they are programmed to do) by calling out, stop it already.
Picking on boys had nothing to do with feminism.
I was a reasonably good looking girl and, I think, with some evidence, ,an outstanding woman, and my motto when faced with verbal attention was " No hitting, no touching,... verbal kudos, happily accepted."
I am now 89, have eall my teeth, hair, and my parts haven't descended to my knees: no one calls out to me as I walk past a construction site: and that's really as it should be: biology IS destiny,
Do I miss the cries?
I'd be lying if I said it never crosses my mind: you be it does...
But i enjoyed them in their time.
And to many of the young men who shrieked their shrieks, and whistled their whistles, backacha!! No harm done.
And certainly not to be compared with the deviant behavior that is now so prevalent in subways and public venues: exposure and masturbation are NOT celebratory of female charm or pulchritude.
NMB
Lovely Jennifer... thank you...
To the women who think feminism centers around some guys acting dotty around them (as they are programmed to do) by calling out, stop it already.
Picking on boys had nothing to do with feminism.
I was a reasonably good looking girl and, I think, with some evidence, ,an outstanding woman, and my motto when faced with verbal attention was " No hitting, no touching,... verbal kudos, happily accepted."
I am now 89, have eall my teeth, hair, and my parts haven't descended to my knees: no one calls out to me as I walk past a construction site: and that's really as it should be: biology IS destiny,
Do I miss the cries?
I'd be lying if I said it never crosses my mind: you be it does...
But i enjoyed them in their time.
And to many of the young men who shrieked their shrieks, and whistled their whistles, backacha!! No harm done.
And certainly not to be compared with the deviant behavior that is now so prevalent in subways and public venues: exposure and masturbation are NOT celebratory of female charm or pulchritude.
NMB
5
Now that I'm old, I can see, with sorrow, so much beauty I overlooked when I was young.
10
Not only would I not give Ms. Bartlett a second look, I would run in the opposite direction. And not because of her disability, which is of little importance. I could very happily date and marry a person with cerebral palsy. I could never date or marry a postmodernist, which Ms. Bartlett clearly is. Anyone who cites "disability studies" scholars, who talks about the "construction" of reality or the "deconstruction" of sexuality is sending clear signals that he or she belongs to the cult of postmodernism. Such a person is likely to be amoral, to see reality as a sham that can be denied or manipulated to one's liking, to abuse language to conceal one's true intentions, and to deny that right and wrong are anything other than arbitrary choices "privileged" by those in power. Who would want to live life with such a person? Who could trust such a person? Who would risk raising children with such person?
5
I'd guess the perception of difference is the largest barrier. Of course that's part of the construction of disability.
Also, doesn't it bother anyone that the term "male gaze" exists? I mean, are we going to start talking about the "female tone of voice" or the "Latino psyche"?
Shouldn't men have a say in what constitutes our own gaze? Why is this type of thing being defined entirely from the point of view of outside observers. How do you even know you are defining it correctly? That's some double-standard nonsense.
Also, doesn't it bother anyone that the term "male gaze" exists? I mean, are we going to start talking about the "female tone of voice" or the "Latino psyche"?
Shouldn't men have a say in what constitutes our own gaze? Why is this type of thing being defined entirely from the point of view of outside observers. How do you even know you are defining it correctly? That's some double-standard nonsense.
5
Thanks for a thought provoking piece of writing. I admit when I was young, I enjoyed attention from random males, finding it validating. Now I'm past the age where I should be "invisible", and I'm more than ready. I find myself the focus of attention from unsavory, almost predatory males in my age cohort. I think it is assumed any woman alone in her sixties is desperate for any male specimen to share her life with. I am not unusually attractive, but I have a roof over my head and a car that runs, so apparently that's enough "assets" to make me a target of unwanted attention from males low on the ladder. I am fed up!
8
In all seriousness, everything about this smacks of rape culture. The fact that a woman needs to feel valued and argues that she lacks worth because to men she is not physically attractive on first sight is the reason we women are all living in a constant state of fear and self loathing. Being told you must be attractive to men to be worthwhile or to be sexy has ruined many a woman's self worth. Being found attractive by men in the streets or on ok cupid is not a real thing, it is boloney and it is about how the men in the scenarios feel and what they want, not about how the women are valued.
On a related note: I have so enjoyed getting older only because men stopped looking at me, in fact, having my children with me has been the biggest change in how men treat me, they don't look at me anymore (and I walk through construction sites with confidence now) but they treat me like a human person who has a purpose rather an object who fulfills their desires.
On a related note: I have so enjoyed getting older only because men stopped looking at me, in fact, having my children with me has been the biggest change in how men treat me, they don't look at me anymore (and I walk through construction sites with confidence now) but they treat me like a human person who has a purpose rather an object who fulfills their desires.
15
I find it incredible that this needs to be said, but judging from many of the comments by men here, it does.
Men wanting attention from other men the way women get attention from men, and men who want attention from women the way women get attention from men is. NOT. the. same. thing. There are no great physical and social power imbalances in the above scenarios. Men are not indoctrinated their whole lives to be hyper vigilant about what they look like and women don't go around feeling free to critique any and every male body to their faces. I have also yet to see a woman trying to make a man feel uncomfortable or unsafe with their attention, and in general, men don't feel uncomfortable with over-the-top sexual attention. Fine. Most women do and we all know it. Just like we know making women uncomfortable is fun to some men. Few women like being approached by a complete stranger wanting their phone number and other personal information when they're not in a setting where that is appropriate.
None of this is rocket science, so can we please dispense with the idea that women like something just because you do?
Men wanting attention from other men the way women get attention from men, and men who want attention from women the way women get attention from men is. NOT. the. same. thing. There are no great physical and social power imbalances in the above scenarios. Men are not indoctrinated their whole lives to be hyper vigilant about what they look like and women don't go around feeling free to critique any and every male body to their faces. I have also yet to see a woman trying to make a man feel uncomfortable or unsafe with their attention, and in general, men don't feel uncomfortable with over-the-top sexual attention. Fine. Most women do and we all know it. Just like we know making women uncomfortable is fun to some men. Few women like being approached by a complete stranger wanting their phone number and other personal information when they're not in a setting where that is appropriate.
None of this is rocket science, so can we please dispense with the idea that women like something just because you do?
19
"Men are not indoctrinated their whole lives to be hyper vigilant about what they look like and women don't go around feeling free to critique any and every male body to their faces."
Correction: Tall, good-looking, skilled and accomplished educated white men don't have to worry very much about what they look like. Everyone else is setting themselves up for being considered "creepy" by mercenary women.
For example, women on dating sites express a shocking level of heightism that is every bit as objectifying and offensive as the terms that stereotypical frat guys use when evaluating women.
Correction: Tall, good-looking, skilled and accomplished educated white men don't have to worry very much about what they look like. Everyone else is setting themselves up for being considered "creepy" by mercenary women.
For example, women on dating sites express a shocking level of heightism that is every bit as objectifying and offensive as the terms that stereotypical frat guys use when evaluating women.
1
Few people are physically beautiful. And yet beauty abides. Finding it within oneself means not accepting conventional views.
We are all more capable of this than we think.
PS: No one has any idea what someone else is thinking. But we all know how we think of ourselves.
We are all more capable of this than we think.
PS: No one has any idea what someone else is thinking. But we all know how we think of ourselves.
4
Reading this makes me very sad because the author seems to buy into narrow cultural stereotypes of beauty and physical attractiveness and being dependent on being evaluated by male/others in order to feel beautiful, attractive, and desirable. There are all kinds of people in great relationships who don't fit conventional ideas of attractiveness. My experience is that beauty and attractiveness are internal qualities we project -- by accepting ourselves fully and loving what and who we are. This makes us irresistable especially to men capable of seeing and valuing what real beauty is.
21
Very well put, and so true. Thank you.
1
Do today's parents still whisper at their children, "Don't look! Don't stare! It's very rude!" when they are out in public and catch their child innocently looking over at someone with a disability?
I grew up feeling so self-conscious about "not being rude" that I had an automatic reflex to immediately avert my gaze if someone came along who was disabled.
Fortunately, I started challenging the "don't stare" advice when I realized that it is normal to gaze toward another person, catch their eye, and then share a smile. By averting my gaze, I was behaving in a very unnatural way and actually being rude. It's perfectly normal for people to glance at each other and exchange friendly glances.
So, to break the bad habit that was instilled in me as a child, I reminded myself to look for people's eyes in order to make ordinary eye contact. If I am surprised by something particularly unusual in another person, I don't look away, I look for their eyes.
Staring is when you look at a part of a person: their full breasts, their missing arm, their shapely legs, their crutch--and you ignore their humanity. Instead, the best thing is to reach out to the other person's unique self--either via an eye-to-eye glance or by considerate speech or gesture.
I grew up feeling so self-conscious about "not being rude" that I had an automatic reflex to immediately avert my gaze if someone came along who was disabled.
Fortunately, I started challenging the "don't stare" advice when I realized that it is normal to gaze toward another person, catch their eye, and then share a smile. By averting my gaze, I was behaving in a very unnatural way and actually being rude. It's perfectly normal for people to glance at each other and exchange friendly glances.
So, to break the bad habit that was instilled in me as a child, I reminded myself to look for people's eyes in order to make ordinary eye contact. If I am surprised by something particularly unusual in another person, I don't look away, I look for their eyes.
Staring is when you look at a part of a person: their full breasts, their missing arm, their shapely legs, their crutch--and you ignore their humanity. Instead, the best thing is to reach out to the other person's unique self--either via an eye-to-eye glance or by considerate speech or gesture.
24
Your writing is beautiful and clear.
9
I hear you - I am a not unattractive woman whose friends compare the lewd comments that they have received on a daily basis I get none. The obvious reason is that I am blind, and work with a Seeing Eye dog (who gets plenty of compliments, although not lewd ones!) I dress well and carry myself with confidence. However, as a woman, as a "sexual object" I am invisible. At times this makes me grateful - people can be chivalrous about making sure I don't get run over or trip on a curb - but in today's world, however I dress, whatever I have done with my hair, if my nails are impeccable - I am devoid of any sexual attraction. Men do not shout coarse insults at blind women with Seeing Eye dogs.
11
I'm one of those "invisible" older women. Thank God.
17
Me too. My sadness at losing my youthful good looks and becoming an invisible older woman is more than balanced by newfound liberation from the male gaze.
4
"..the wrong man..."
That says it all. Women are okay when the "right man" sexually ogles her. But the wrong man, oh that's so wrong. So how are we to know whether we are a particular woman's "right man" or "wrong man"?
That says it all. Women are okay when the "right man" sexually ogles her. But the wrong man, oh that's so wrong. So how are we to know whether we are a particular woman's "right man" or "wrong man"?
39
When you don't know her, you are the wrong man. And why do you assume every woman is interested in men?
3
Wait for a woman to approach you. Don't be so eager. The best men I've dated, I've been the initiator. My husband, I approached him. Be a safe person who isn't trying to "get" something from them and at least a few women will notice.
1
@Diggs- nice post, glad someone else noticed her comment. I posted a similar reply below. The "Wrong" men get trashed; the handsome, sexy "hunks" get a phone number and a date as a reward.
Better to be looked up than looked over. Anyone tells you otherwise is selling you something.
8
Ah. A reminder of why I rely on the Times to catch some real good stuff from time to time.
An astounding article.
An astounding article.
23
What an appropriate avatar you have chosen for comment on this article, pjc, when I recall the content of that particular Star Trek episode!
1
Moving to the NW was a huge change- men here generally do not treat women as objects as they walk down the street. It's just not socially acceptable here to catcall at women and get unwanted advances from strangers. A much more comfortable atmosphere for women for sure.
21
I am not disabled. However, as a woman who has drawn the male gaze only rarely, I understand Ms. Bartlett's perspective. I am not "traditionally" attractive - better put, I am what most would consider unattractive. This was as true for me at 18 as it is where I am now, in my mid-40s. I cannot begin to comprehend the experience of her disability, but I know how hard it is to be somewhere with female friends and have men approach them and be ignored completely. Don't misunderstand: I also don't want men constantly bothering or harassing me. But some attention does detract from the feeling of invisibility, and can, however much it may seem odd, make a person feel as if s/he is a part of the social world, not an outcast looking in from the outside.
40
Liz: most women are not beautiful enough to attract "the male gaze", certainly not past the age of 30 or so.
You don't see male construction workers wolf-whistling at 70 year old ladies, do you?
It's only a smallish subset of all women who are youngish, pretty, slender who get this attention. And it only lasts for a certain length of time -- about the length of time it takes to from being called "miss" by store clerks, to being called "ma'am".
And trust me: when that period of time ends, whether it is at 29 or 49....those women who complain and whinge and bristle at all that "unwanted attention".....will miss it more than anything in their lives.
You don't see male construction workers wolf-whistling at 70 year old ladies, do you?
It's only a smallish subset of all women who are youngish, pretty, slender who get this attention. And it only lasts for a certain length of time -- about the length of time it takes to from being called "miss" by store clerks, to being called "ma'am".
And trust me: when that period of time ends, whether it is at 29 or 49....those women who complain and whinge and bristle at all that "unwanted attention".....will miss it more than anything in their lives.
1
Ignoring someone because of their looks is also objectification. Men have gotten used to not having to care about a woman'should humanity.
5
I wound not be surprised that most of us are programmed to be vain and long for attention of the opposite sex. This is not to excuse boorish or criminal behavior, but it does explain why many at some deep personal level long for or are flattered by the male/female gaze.
13
Ladies, I hate to tell you, but most men are "creeps." They look at you as sex objects, well, because you are the ones they are going to have sex with. Some are more direct about it, many others are shy and less obvious in their desires. The direct ones get more results since this all arises from, for lack of a better phrase, animal instincts. Acting dominant attracts attention which leads to further interaction, etc. etc.
So its a viscous circle that's ultimately about making babies and furthering the species. Men look (or not), women preen (or not), and I think most people are usually dissatisfied with the level of attention or response they get or don't get, be it too much or too little. What's the least offensive yet most effective way to express sexual interest? Is there such a thing? This writer must be frustrated by not being fully engaged in the game. It is a tough hand to be dealt, but you do what you can with what you've got and try to enjoy the trip.
So its a viscous circle that's ultimately about making babies and furthering the species. Men look (or not), women preen (or not), and I think most people are usually dissatisfied with the level of attention or response they get or don't get, be it too much or too little. What's the least offensive yet most effective way to express sexual interest? Is there such a thing? This writer must be frustrated by not being fully engaged in the game. It is a tough hand to be dealt, but you do what you can with what you've got and try to enjoy the trip.
13
Thanks, Sid, but we already know most are creeps.
3
You lost me at "Ladies".
4
It sounds like for our own safety, we'd be best off assuming all men are harassers (or worse). But men protest ,"not all men". So what should women do?
3
Here's a few thoughts for women to consider:
1) While it is unusual and disconcerting, perhaps, for women to feel invisible, they should understand that this is the universal condition for almost all men at all stages of their lives--unless they happen to be instantly recognizable athletes or rock stars. (Hence the near-universal fantasy among males to be athletes or rock stars.)
2) In order for two people to meet, which is required for, you know, the propagation of the species and all that, someone has to initiate contact. Since women rarely do this, we are forced to.
3) Men are not mind readers. If our attention is wanted, you are flattered; if it is not, you see it as harassment. By definition, this cannot be known before the fact. So, if you don't like this, change it. Do your fair share of the asking, and--here's the rub--get your fair share of rejection. You know, kind of like asking us to help with the dishes. Oh, that's different? Pray tell, how?
1) While it is unusual and disconcerting, perhaps, for women to feel invisible, they should understand that this is the universal condition for almost all men at all stages of their lives--unless they happen to be instantly recognizable athletes or rock stars. (Hence the near-universal fantasy among males to be athletes or rock stars.)
2) In order for two people to meet, which is required for, you know, the propagation of the species and all that, someone has to initiate contact. Since women rarely do this, we are forced to.
3) Men are not mind readers. If our attention is wanted, you are flattered; if it is not, you see it as harassment. By definition, this cannot be known before the fact. So, if you don't like this, change it. Do your fair share of the asking, and--here's the rub--get your fair share of rejection. You know, kind of like asking us to help with the dishes. Oh, that's different? Pray tell, how?
49
A huge, well-deserved THANK YOU to all the men so selflessly cat-calling us in order to save the human species. Trophies for all!
3
I didn't even have to look at your name to know my spider senses were tingling correctly that I was in for a mansplanation!! Oh goody, I see you copy pasted it a second time!! Thanks for the luv...
1
You're comparing apples to oranges. Women are not only are socialized not to be forward, If we give men the least little bit of attention, just as a person to be friendly, they think we're sexually interested and they're ready to go to bed with us.
It shouldn't be any surprise that most women do not like being approached by a stranger wanting her time and personal information to make contact in a scenario that is not usually for getting to know people. A bar or other get together is fine, just walking up to someone on the street just because you like how she looks is not. You know nothing about her and she knows its all about what she looks like. Sorry but most women are not receptive to that.
I couldn't agree more with women approaching more; when we're interested, we'll let you know.
It shouldn't be any surprise that most women do not like being approached by a stranger wanting her time and personal information to make contact in a scenario that is not usually for getting to know people. A bar or other get together is fine, just walking up to someone on the street just because you like how she looks is not. You know nothing about her and she knows its all about what she looks like. Sorry but most women are not receptive to that.
I couldn't agree more with women approaching more; when we're interested, we'll let you know.
7
I cannot wait to be invisible - it's very frustrating that I cannot even take my son for a walk in his pram without having some man leer at me.
8
You won't feel that way when you are older. As an older woman, almost 60, I am invisible in more ways than one - not just as an object of leering, but also when I shop or interact with service people. I didn't value the attention when I was young - took it for granted. Gradually it went away - and I miss being present in the consciousness of others.
2
Aha!
I suddenly realised (as a man) that I was experiencing a biological urge to start a family when all the girls who turned my head were those pushing prams.
I suddenly realised (as a man) that I was experiencing a biological urge to start a family when all the girls who turned my head were those pushing prams.
Even if you do not attract the male gaze, I assure you, you are beautiful.
And with each day that passes you will be even more beautiful. There is sexualization of beauty, and then there is the beauty of each of us as a person that shines out of us when we realize this truth.
And with each day that passes you will be even more beautiful. There is sexualization of beauty, and then there is the beauty of each of us as a person that shines out of us when we realize this truth.
12
Both reactions merely show an objectification of person. It is enlightening to hear Ms. Bartlett's perspective but neither way of treating a person is acceptable.
18
Like nearly all of us, Ms. Bartlett is seeking validation. True validation is when we are appreciated for our personality, our wit, our intelligence, our kindness and generosity to others. Sexual validity is important as well, but should never be confused with sexual harassment or objectification. I hope that the author will learn to love and validate herself unconditionally, and that she will attract a man who is mature enough to see beyond the superficial.
14
I found this essay confusing. She admits that if she were "harassed" by guys wolf-whistling her on the street, she wouldn't like it. But they don't, and she doesn't like it.
15
She doesn't want to be harassed. However, she would prefer being harassed to being treated like a potted plant.
5
It's complicated. Women (and men for that matter) WANT flirtation and interest, but ONLY if it comes from the type of person they are attracted to -- of their social class or higher -- good looking and slender -- so that the attention feels FLATTERING. This is true even if the person is married, or otherwise not interested in pursuing anything.
In short: flirtation from George Clooney or Brad Pitt is flattering -- flirtation from some homely, fat, pimply guy is NOT. The further the flirter is from your desired demographic, the more offensive and insulting his attentions are.
It is identical for men, BTW. Men are deeply flattered if a young, slim, good looking woman comes on to them -- but enraged and insulted if an older, plain, overweight or homely woman comes on to them.
The balance is actually very delicate, and calibrated very directly to each individual as to whether it is an insult or a deeply flattering "flirt".....meaning a woman or man's response to any act of attention can vary depending on their mood, time of day, other things going on in their life, or if they are alone or with friends whose REACTION to the flirtatious act influences their response (i.e., you are with friends....a construction worker wolf-whistles at you....and your friends all go "ewww....how gross and disgusting!")
In short: flirtation from George Clooney or Brad Pitt is flattering -- flirtation from some homely, fat, pimply guy is NOT. The further the flirter is from your desired demographic, the more offensive and insulting his attentions are.
It is identical for men, BTW. Men are deeply flattered if a young, slim, good looking woman comes on to them -- but enraged and insulted if an older, plain, overweight or homely woman comes on to them.
The balance is actually very delicate, and calibrated very directly to each individual as to whether it is an insult or a deeply flattering "flirt".....meaning a woman or man's response to any act of attention can vary depending on their mood, time of day, other things going on in their life, or if they are alone or with friends whose REACTION to the flirtatious act influences their response (i.e., you are with friends....a construction worker wolf-whistles at you....and your friends all go "ewww....how gross and disgusting!")
8
What a tender, telling story of truth. Your writing offers gifts to all of us--those 'abled' and those of us 'dis-abled'. I appreciate your words and perspective, Ms Bartlett--from my personal view...having Multiple Sclerosis.
8
A couple thoughts for women to chew on:
1) The feeling of invisibility the author describes, while rare, perhaps, for women, is essentially universal for men throughout their lives--unless the man happens to be an instantly recognizable athlete, rock star, or actor.
2) Somebody has to make the first move to initiate contact, and thus, you know, propagate the species. Since women rarely initiate this contact, we will.
3) Men are not mind readers. If our attention is wanted, you are flattered; if not, it is harassment in your eyes. By definition, the outcome can only be known after the attempt. If you don't like that, change it: get out there and do your fair share of the asking, and--more importantly--getting your fair share of the rejection. You know, just like you want us to help with the dishes. Oh, that's different? Really? Tell me how.
1) The feeling of invisibility the author describes, while rare, perhaps, for women, is essentially universal for men throughout their lives--unless the man happens to be an instantly recognizable athlete, rock star, or actor.
2) Somebody has to make the first move to initiate contact, and thus, you know, propagate the species. Since women rarely initiate this contact, we will.
3) Men are not mind readers. If our attention is wanted, you are flattered; if not, it is harassment in your eyes. By definition, the outcome can only be known after the attempt. If you don't like that, change it: get out there and do your fair share of the asking, and--more importantly--getting your fair share of the rejection. You know, just like you want us to help with the dishes. Oh, that's different? Really? Tell me how.
26
That's like saying "the only way for me to know if you want to share a dessert is for me to gauge your reaction when I take some. Perhaps you should just offer me dessert more often instead of complaining when I take it."
There's a difference between catcalls and asking a woman on a date.
Maybe women don't ask you out because you are loathsome.
There's a difference between catcalls and asking a woman on a date.
Maybe women don't ask you out because you are loathsome.
4
A couple of thoughts for you:
1) Do not initiate sexual contact at work.
2) Do not initiate sexual contact on the street.
3) Do not assume that every woman in a bar is there to be picked up by you.
4) Do not initiate sexual contact on public transportation.
1) Do not initiate sexual contact at work.
2) Do not initiate sexual contact on the street.
3) Do not assume that every woman in a bar is there to be picked up by you.
4) Do not initiate sexual contact on public transportation.
6
The same women who complain about this, would likely NOT complain if the man whistling was a really cute or handsome movie star or super-rich guy -- let's say for the purpose of argument, George Clooney or Brad Pitt.
The problem seems to be when the man is not of their social class, homely, not rich and they are repulsed by his interest.
Exactly the same for men: a man who would be turned on and deeply flattered if a gorgeous supermodel or actress hit on them....would be deeply offended and even enraged if a plain, homely, overweight woman hit on them. One kind of attention is very flattering and ego-boosting (even if you have no intent at all to ever on it!) and the other is basically an INSULT -- how DARE that homely, low class person think they have a right to try and flirt with me?
The problem seems to be when the man is not of their social class, homely, not rich and they are repulsed by his interest.
Exactly the same for men: a man who would be turned on and deeply flattered if a gorgeous supermodel or actress hit on them....would be deeply offended and even enraged if a plain, homely, overweight woman hit on them. One kind of attention is very flattering and ego-boosting (even if you have no intent at all to ever on it!) and the other is basically an INSULT -- how DARE that homely, low class person think they have a right to try and flirt with me?
6
My late wife had MS. We had a beautiful life together. Great in every aspect. Not once did it ever cross my mind that she was disabled. She was a special person who enriched my life forever.
You go girl!
You go girl!
32
Ms. Bartlett describes a very strong desire to be noticed by men; not just noticed as in acknowledgment her existence, but acknowledgment as a sexual being to the point of preferring inappropriate sexual comments over an individual expressing surprise at her having a career. No, Ms. Bartlett, you are more worthy than that!
The people she describes as expressing surprise that she has a career - why is that a bad thing? Take it as an expression of honest admiration.
She states that inappropriate sexual comments from men make her feel she is included, and not excluded. Ms. Bartlett, that is one club that every woman should want to be excluded from - the club of women who have been subjected to unwanted, inappropriate behavior from men. Would we allow a child to continued to be bullied by another child, just so s/he can get any kind of attention, from anyone?
Ms. Bartlett, you are worthy of better treatment. Inappropriate comments and behavior are unacceptable; men who think that type of talk and behavior are acceptable are dreck, losers, disgusting. They do not respect women.
Why keep waiting for Mr. Perfect to find you? Why not take the initiative and approach men you find attractive, and start a friendly conversation that involves appropriate language and topics?
While it is true that humans are visual beings, and the very first thing we notice about another person is their outward appearance, honorable men and women do respond to pleasant conversation.
The people she describes as expressing surprise that she has a career - why is that a bad thing? Take it as an expression of honest admiration.
She states that inappropriate sexual comments from men make her feel she is included, and not excluded. Ms. Bartlett, that is one club that every woman should want to be excluded from - the club of women who have been subjected to unwanted, inappropriate behavior from men. Would we allow a child to continued to be bullied by another child, just so s/he can get any kind of attention, from anyone?
Ms. Bartlett, you are worthy of better treatment. Inappropriate comments and behavior are unacceptable; men who think that type of talk and behavior are acceptable are dreck, losers, disgusting. They do not respect women.
Why keep waiting for Mr. Perfect to find you? Why not take the initiative and approach men you find attractive, and start a friendly conversation that involves appropriate language and topics?
While it is true that humans are visual beings, and the very first thing we notice about another person is their outward appearance, honorable men and women do respond to pleasant conversation.
10
Here is some love advice I've heard from other women in my family: "make sure he loves you more" and "marry a man who worships the ground you walk on." To that I add my own advice: you approach him, you choose him, don't go with a man who tries to pick you up.
3
"But, I am harassed in other ways that feel much more damaging." It's difficult to compare harassment and its damage. The crux of this discussion is how damaging it is to be treated without respect because of outward appearance, rather than being treated like a human being.
From age 11 until the first time I was pregnant in my twenties (read: fat), I could not walk outside of my house without men I didn't know harassing me. This is deeply damaging, and it has only stopped because I am old now. What a revelation to move through the world without constant public comment on my appearance, on what men want to do to me, and questions about why I'm out alone. Apparently women in any culture are not allowed out alone -- that's called asking for it.
I have compassion for the author's experience, but I feel pitting one experience of being on the receiving end of ignorance and abuse against another isn't really productive. Would that we could all be treated like full human beings. (In the world of Donald Trump, who verbally abuses women and disabled people equally, such behavior is just fine and normal.)
From age 11 until the first time I was pregnant in my twenties (read: fat), I could not walk outside of my house without men I didn't know harassing me. This is deeply damaging, and it has only stopped because I am old now. What a revelation to move through the world without constant public comment on my appearance, on what men want to do to me, and questions about why I'm out alone. Apparently women in any culture are not allowed out alone -- that's called asking for it.
I have compassion for the author's experience, but I feel pitting one experience of being on the receiving end of ignorance and abuse against another isn't really productive. Would that we could all be treated like full human beings. (In the world of Donald Trump, who verbally abuses women and disabled people equally, such behavior is just fine and normal.)
18
What a thought provoking essay!
I do think you need to be careful about generalizing too much about "men". It turns out that they/we are all individuals too!
We all have our own emotional and physical impairments and insecurities. It's human nature to hide them (some of us even hide them from ourselves) but they are there and it takes time to get to know someone to discover what makes them tick.
It's simply not practical to try to develop that deep connection with everyone.
May I suggest that you stop worrying about how the huddled masses behave and think. Instead, spend time developing those deeper connections with people (and that includes men :-) who interest you?
I do think you need to be careful about generalizing too much about "men". It turns out that they/we are all individuals too!
We all have our own emotional and physical impairments and insecurities. It's human nature to hide them (some of us even hide them from ourselves) but they are there and it takes time to get to know someone to discover what makes them tick.
It's simply not practical to try to develop that deep connection with everyone.
May I suggest that you stop worrying about how the huddled masses behave and think. Instead, spend time developing those deeper connections with people (and that includes men :-) who interest you?
15
Men who harass women seem to stand out the most. I hope women don't generalize about the male gender from those who are the most obnoxious. There are many nice guys who were brought up to respect women.
25
Despite my moniker, I am a formerly beautiful woman now in my 60's and consequently (blissfully) invisible but who elicited her share of men's gazes.
I can speak with some authority about the 'male gaze' which can vary from playful and flirtatious, to leering, creepy, threatening. How a woman perceives it obviously affects how she reacts—indulge politely, zone out, studiously avoid, or run for safety.
What is forever amazing to me is the nearly universal assumption by men that they have a birth-right (perhaps even a mandate) to pass judgement and then make that judgement known, not only to the judged but the world at large.
It is an appalling arrogance I have never reconciled, despite how ostensibly innocently it might be displayed.
Probably most of the men who refrain from engaging you superficially with a gaze are consciously or unconsciously guided by the (not incorrect) assumption that you are more vulnerable. A large portion of those who make a show of reacting to women's attractiveness have at least some dull sense of 'fairness' in the game of sexual banter.
What looks like disdain probably IS based on not being sure of your mental/emotional ability to process teasing and while they enjoy showing off for the guys being obnoxious and boyish, are not willing to cross over into cruelty.
This would be especially true if and when they found you attractive.
The absence of gazes or taunts could actually be about fear, respect or just confusion, not invisibility.
I can speak with some authority about the 'male gaze' which can vary from playful and flirtatious, to leering, creepy, threatening. How a woman perceives it obviously affects how she reacts—indulge politely, zone out, studiously avoid, or run for safety.
What is forever amazing to me is the nearly universal assumption by men that they have a birth-right (perhaps even a mandate) to pass judgement and then make that judgement known, not only to the judged but the world at large.
It is an appalling arrogance I have never reconciled, despite how ostensibly innocently it might be displayed.
Probably most of the men who refrain from engaging you superficially with a gaze are consciously or unconsciously guided by the (not incorrect) assumption that you are more vulnerable. A large portion of those who make a show of reacting to women's attractiveness have at least some dull sense of 'fairness' in the game of sexual banter.
What looks like disdain probably IS based on not being sure of your mental/emotional ability to process teasing and while they enjoy showing off for the guys being obnoxious and boyish, are not willing to cross over into cruelty.
This would be especially true if and when they found you attractive.
The absence of gazes or taunts could actually be about fear, respect or just confusion, not invisibility.
31
Very interesting piece.
I am able-bodied, thin, and I guess fairly attractive, and have never been sexually harassed in any context. Men have fallen in love with me but never harassed me. I'm grateful I've never experienced harassment. It is interesting to why tho - to be honest I don't know. Men have almost entirely been kind and respectful toward me all my life.
I am able-bodied, thin, and I guess fairly attractive, and have never been sexually harassed in any context. Men have fallen in love with me but never harassed me. I'm grateful I've never experienced harassment. It is interesting to why tho - to be honest I don't know. Men have almost entirely been kind and respectful toward me all my life.
17
This is probably BECAUSE you are very attractive. Men court and pursue attention from very attractive women, and don't want to risk offending them. Very attractive women are highly prized and in the minority of all women.
It is probably more likely for an average looking woman to be harassed in that manner, as her "value" to any potential "flirter" is very low --- she is one of many, and can easily be replaced.
It is probably more likely for an average looking woman to be harassed in that manner, as her "value" to any potential "flirter" is very low --- she is one of many, and can easily be replaced.
3
When I was younger and lived in a major city, I had no end of male harrassment. Some of it was cat-calling and some was more realistic attempts to actually get a date, but it was all really annoying. Admittedly, being considered attractive was helpful in the fact that not many attractive men would turn you down if you were interested, but the unwanted attention was just constant.
Now that I'm older (and have moved) it's not that bad, but I don't miss it at all.
Now that I'm older (and have moved) it's not that bad, but I don't miss it at all.
12
I too had married my college sweetheart, who had a disability. Not exactly a disability, but there was the perception of one. You see, at the young age of 17, she developed a brain tumor, which was operated and removed, but the radiation therapy that followed did not go well and she lost permanently most of her hair and what remained was very thin. Her mother had at one time encouraged her to wear a wig, but she refused, the strong woman she was. She combed her small patch of hear such as to hide the baldness and powdered the balance with dark makeup, that is all she did. But she had a great personality, a gorgeous body and we fell in love and married. She was great to be arround, and had quite the sense of humor. I was deeply in love with her. There was one problem: I got upset when went out and people stared, I was upset and stared back and called them on their rudeness, which in turn made her become upset at me. Finally, after many years, she caved in and got wig, real hair. I was extremely happy. Unfortunately, things did not work out, primarily due to my fault, and she went on to marry someone else after our divorce. But this is the other side of the coin and I believe why many men may shy away from a rewarding relationship.
9
I'm a 31 male and I was born differently. I was born with 2 fingers on my left hand. I have ALWAYS done my best to make it through life. When it comes to relationships and Women it is definitely an obstacle. You article is great, I to feel very similar to you. Especially if I go hang with friends it seems the Women always go for my friends then I'm the third wheel. I feel it's a masculinity thing, Like deers with the better antlers. Not to mention every woman I have dated has left me for someone "bigger and better". I've pretty much given up seeing this repeated pattern. I think it comes down to science.
15
I hear you Joe.
Do YOU date women who are not perfect, or have some minor disability? Or do you go for the perfect, thin and beautiful "hotties"?
I just wonder. When I read stuff like this, I am reminded of many men I've known throughout my life -- with disabilities big and small, or none at all -- who insisted that women rejected them. But when you really ASKED about "which women and why", it seemed that they wanted the perfection in a girlfriend that they themselves did not have, and which they bitterly resented women wanting too!
There are millions of women in the world who would not think any less of you for having a minor disfigurement of your hand. It's purely cosmetic and not as life-affecting as blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy or being in a wheelchair! and even people with those disabilities can and DO find wonderful partners.
Just make sure YOUR MIND is as a open as you want other people's minds to be!
I just wonder. When I read stuff like this, I am reminded of many men I've known throughout my life -- with disabilities big and small, or none at all -- who insisted that women rejected them. But when you really ASKED about "which women and why", it seemed that they wanted the perfection in a girlfriend that they themselves did not have, and which they bitterly resented women wanting too!
There are millions of women in the world who would not think any less of you for having a minor disfigurement of your hand. It's purely cosmetic and not as life-affecting as blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy or being in a wheelchair! and even people with those disabilities can and DO find wonderful partners.
Just make sure YOUR MIND is as a open as you want other people's minds to be!
7
Lower your standards, women do it all the time. Good luck.
5
Scaldingly honest and refreshing. Thank you very much!
7
Very enlightening thank you for sharing. Some of the comments can be summed up as follows.
As long as you have it, you don't want it, and when you no longer have it, you then want it.
As long as you have it, you don't want it, and when you no longer have it, you then want it.
11
The first few paragraphs of this brought back many memories. I had friends in high school who would mention teachers making flirtatious comments about them. I couldn't help but compare the enormous amount of positive attention they got from males as opposed to the flippancy and indifference they treated me. This is such an honest essay. Thank you for writing it.
8
I was profoundly moved by the essay. I became disabled about 14 years ago. As a male my experience is quite different , however I am often categorized as needing assistance, however I rarely do.
One of my issues is that I lost almost all my friends "pre-disability" from the time before my life changed so dramatically .
Since I am naturally out going, the process of reinventing my social life is not beyond me. however as a man past 60 years old, the new social networking tools are uncomfortable for me.
Lot's of people offer advice, which I am sure is well meaning (forgive my grammatical errors but I am in a loud Starbucks, as I write this). However advice, as the cliché goes.
One of my issues is that I lost almost all my friends "pre-disability" from the time before my life changed so dramatically .
Since I am naturally out going, the process of reinventing my social life is not beyond me. however as a man past 60 years old, the new social networking tools are uncomfortable for me.
Lot's of people offer advice, which I am sure is well meaning (forgive my grammatical errors but I am in a loud Starbucks, as I write this). However advice, as the cliché goes.
5
Women are annoyed by men until they aren't. Then they are free, or just annoyed even more.
7
I'm sending you a huge mental hug. For what it's worth, your article is sexy because brains...intelligence...is sexy. I wish you the best of luck.
5
Feel very sorry for the author, as there is no greater suffering than a disability. But she has made a wonderful contribution with her writing.
May she find true happiness.
May she find true happiness.
8
I'm amazed at the many commentators who say they felt unsafe or attacked when someone whistled at them from across the street or from a construction site. Really?
I am in my 50s now, but throughout my teens to my 30s, I got lots of attention. There was always a clear difference between the whistle/cat call and the truly creepy man who made me feel unsafe. There was never any ambiguity there, and I neither felt unsafe nor demeaned by the construction worker's whistle.
Harassment and assault are real and serious issues, but women who can't distinguish between what is harmless and harmful are muddling things. We're losing credibility because of such conflations.
Also, exactly what is an "unwanted advance"? How does a man know if an advance is wanted or not before he approaches? It's natural for men to try to take the initiative, and to be sure, they should quit if the woman responds with clear disinterest, but give guys a break, already. If my husband had not approached me though I was paying no attention to him, I wouldn't be married to him. I'm really glad he took the chance.
I am in my 50s now, but throughout my teens to my 30s, I got lots of attention. There was always a clear difference between the whistle/cat call and the truly creepy man who made me feel unsafe. There was never any ambiguity there, and I neither felt unsafe nor demeaned by the construction worker's whistle.
Harassment and assault are real and serious issues, but women who can't distinguish between what is harmless and harmful are muddling things. We're losing credibility because of such conflations.
Also, exactly what is an "unwanted advance"? How does a man know if an advance is wanted or not before he approaches? It's natural for men to try to take the initiative, and to be sure, they should quit if the woman responds with clear disinterest, but give guys a break, already. If my husband had not approached me though I was paying no attention to him, I wouldn't be married to him. I'm really glad he took the chance.
27
Many women don't like feeling like a piece of meat whether they're about to be assaulted or harassed or not. And why can't a man just look and not whistle? They have to let us know because it makes them feel powerful to let us know they're sexually assessing us. Just because you don't mind it, doesn't mean other women have to feel the same way.
7
For me, it usually is not so much feeling threatened as it is feeling annoyed because my train of thought was interrupted. I think for a living, and often I work out problems in my head while I am walking. And what woman has ever accepted a date from some stranger who yelled at her from a passing car or whistled at her? I do not believe those men are looking for relationships with women. They are looking to interrupt their lives, if only for a moment, and to show them who the boss is. That is not friendly.
8
Not all women are feminists.
Interesting - I wonder if Ms. Bartlett wrote the head line to this story herself, or if it were written for her? The word "longing" in the title seems to be a red herring, where desire is hinted but complaints are registered instead. Ms. Bartlett's prose describes a litany of complaints: unwelcome male attention, perversion and quasi-abuse that equates her sexual attractiveness with neurological health. My advice to you is explore that word 'longing' What it means to you. How necessary is it in your life? Does it make you feel alive or fearful if a man expresses sexual attraction to you? And would you choose to give that up entirely if it meant never being objectified again?
Observing 100,000 years of evolution, we note that males of most mammal species are more violent, sadistic, and paranoid than females. For men the very thing that creates life also kills. Give enough testosterone to ANY organism and it dies. Male mammals typically exhibit more hostile, violent behaviors, neuroses and heart stressors that eventually lead to early death. Not making excuses for the ogling or leering, or for those who refuse to see your humanity if you don't fit their sexual ethos, but remember: young men's brains are awash in a primal androgen that can blot reason, compassion, even self-preservation. The men you rail against are every bit as 'handicapped' as you - and there is yet no telethon or support group for testosterone poisoning.
Observing 100,000 years of evolution, we note that males of most mammal species are more violent, sadistic, and paranoid than females. For men the very thing that creates life also kills. Give enough testosterone to ANY organism and it dies. Male mammals typically exhibit more hostile, violent behaviors, neuroses and heart stressors that eventually lead to early death. Not making excuses for the ogling or leering, or for those who refuse to see your humanity if you don't fit their sexual ethos, but remember: young men's brains are awash in a primal androgen that can blot reason, compassion, even self-preservation. The men you rail against are every bit as 'handicapped' as you - and there is yet no telethon or support group for testosterone poisoning.
7
With regard to the 'male gaze': I'm not sure how we (whether as a gender or as a society) lost the distinction between being admired or appreciated and being harassed or objectified. Sometimes it is feminism oversimplifying into dogma; sometimes, women who are not beautiful and/or fashionable - as I note the author makes a point of telling us she is, up front - using 'feminism' as the Trojan horse for envy. Surely we can find a way of paying each other graceful compliments; in the Talmud one rabbi suggests that when we see an attractive person we should say a prayer of thanks to the Creator for providing this beautiful sight.
That said, point 2. My sister is mentally handicapped; she was never pretty even in her youth, and the years have not been kind. (She's the woman you avoid sitting next to on the bus.) She has endured all the condescending and pitying treatment commonly endured by the visibly disabled - and also occasional sexual harassment by males who assume she can be coaxed or bullied to agree to anything and even if she tells someone afterward she won't be able to tell a coherent story. (Many years ago we had a molester in our area who preyed on developmentally disabled kids for exactly this reason. He was caught after he picked a girl with CP on the mistaken assumption she was mentally as well as physically handicapped. She was sharp as a tack and unafraid to report him.) So perhaps in a way the author is just lucky men aren't trying to take advantage of her.
That said, point 2. My sister is mentally handicapped; she was never pretty even in her youth, and the years have not been kind. (She's the woman you avoid sitting next to on the bus.) She has endured all the condescending and pitying treatment commonly endured by the visibly disabled - and also occasional sexual harassment by males who assume she can be coaxed or bullied to agree to anything and even if she tells someone afterward she won't be able to tell a coherent story. (Many years ago we had a molester in our area who preyed on developmentally disabled kids for exactly this reason. He was caught after he picked a girl with CP on the mistaken assumption she was mentally as well as physically handicapped. She was sharp as a tack and unafraid to report him.) So perhaps in a way the author is just lucky men aren't trying to take advantage of her.
7
I'm sorry about your sister, ACW. And I have seen this exact same thing. Often lonely girls with such conditions are perfect victims to abusers, because they can't or won't tell -- they are SO thrilled to be getting ANY affection at all -- or can't tell the difference between being abused and being loved. There are certain types of molesters who very deliberately seek such victims out; there must be a special extra-hot place in hell reserved for them.
4
I'm struggling to understand the point of this essay. I get that you want to be desired, everyone does. But street harassment doesn't feel like desire to me, it feels like power play and control. They are two different things that it seems like you are conflating.
21
I wonder how many men feel invisible vis-a-vis the 'female gaze' when they reach 50? Not many, would be my guess.
I'd argue that this social/sexual imbalance between men and women profoundly effects the way that women perceive their 'life chances' with respect to finding, and then holding onto, a healthy romantic relationship, and for those who desire it, marriage/lifelong partnership.
I'd argue that this social/sexual imbalance between men and women profoundly effects the way that women perceive their 'life chances' with respect to finding, and then holding onto, a healthy romantic relationship, and for those who desire it, marriage/lifelong partnership.
6
Because women are taught to identify with men, not sexualize and objectify them, there's no reason for women to ignore them just because they're old. Boys need to be raised to see women as human beings, not just sex receptacles.
4
I have had a couple of elderly relatives in Assisted Living and nursing homes over the last several years.
The gender imbalance is surprising -- at least 8 out of 10 residents are women.
That makes the men, no matter what they look like, a very desirable commodity. And they know it. It was a bit of a shock to me to see how 85 year old men could become "players" at the old home or senior center! sometimes juggling 3 or 4 different "ladyfriends"!
Some of them would remark that they would have given anything to have had this kind of "desirability" in their 20s or 30s!
The gender imbalance is surprising -- at least 8 out of 10 residents are women.
That makes the men, no matter what they look like, a very desirable commodity. And they know it. It was a bit of a shock to me to see how 85 year old men could become "players" at the old home or senior center! sometimes juggling 3 or 4 different "ladyfriends"!
Some of them would remark that they would have given anything to have had this kind of "desirability" in their 20s or 30s!
2
Thank you Chris. I think you're spot-on.
1
Brava for your courage and honesty. Wonderful writing Ms. Bartlett and you recall for me that the brain is our most important sexual organ.
5
I have often said, that if you have to be disabled, it sure helps if you're good looking. The father of a disabled girl who was quite good-looking agreed with me. He pointed out she was smart too. That doesn't hurt either. Her father was a professor at the University of Chicago. When I saw the words "male gaze" in the title, I reached for my gun. But then I saw it being used as something desirable. That's the only case I could see reading the article. One thing that is very clear, women generally want men to see them and appreciate them. They spend a lot of time making the word a more beautiful place. And I for one appreciate their efforts.
7
In my 40s, I have used a wheelchair since 15.
For me there is freedom in having a body that won't ever meet a common beauty standard (while hating the invisibility of people with disabilities). I can find my own way. It is exhausting to find ways to experience myself and then demonstrate my sexuality, physical beauty and inner beauty to others, to teach them to see me clearly--but also rewarding. I've had relationships, an active sex life, and now a marriage with kids. I continue to explore my looks and sexuality and have happily had more fun with both recently than when I was green in my twenties.
This essay is interesting. The author rightly names the invisibility and losses that result from negative social constructions of disability, which are powerful, unjust, and damaging. And for sure it is not mostly the job of people with disabilities to fix these.
I was interested though to note the author's use of "my mother's umbilical cord" and "they" for people with cerebral palsy. Maybe part of the damage of negative social constructions of disability is a subtle need to distance herself from her own disability (why not "my" umbilical cord? Or "we"?) and thus her own body? I wonder if it could be a positive experience for her, as it has been for me, to start from a deliberate place of self-love and self-appreciation in a world where it doesn't come from outside, then work on ways to telegraph this to others. Which is not to say the burden SHOULD be on her...
For me there is freedom in having a body that won't ever meet a common beauty standard (while hating the invisibility of people with disabilities). I can find my own way. It is exhausting to find ways to experience myself and then demonstrate my sexuality, physical beauty and inner beauty to others, to teach them to see me clearly--but also rewarding. I've had relationships, an active sex life, and now a marriage with kids. I continue to explore my looks and sexuality and have happily had more fun with both recently than when I was green in my twenties.
This essay is interesting. The author rightly names the invisibility and losses that result from negative social constructions of disability, which are powerful, unjust, and damaging. And for sure it is not mostly the job of people with disabilities to fix these.
I was interested though to note the author's use of "my mother's umbilical cord" and "they" for people with cerebral palsy. Maybe part of the damage of negative social constructions of disability is a subtle need to distance herself from her own disability (why not "my" umbilical cord? Or "we"?) and thus her own body? I wonder if it could be a positive experience for her, as it has been for me, to start from a deliberate place of self-love and self-appreciation in a world where it doesn't come from outside, then work on ways to telegraph this to others. Which is not to say the burden SHOULD be on her...
15
As a gay man of seventy, I long to be the object of on-the-street male sexual interest, as I once was. In this regard my plight seems similar to that of older straight women--and, I imagine, of disabled people like the author.
It's always been hard for me to understand what often seems like an exaggerated response to the male eye by women. When I had it, it made me feel desirable, happy, part of life lived. There was never--I repeat, never--any sense of threat, which is, I imagine, the result of my maleness: there was no power imbalance between the observer, him, and the observed, me.
I acknowledge the problem that many women face--but it's difficult for me not to feel alienated from it. They have what I've lost.
It's always been hard for me to understand what often seems like an exaggerated response to the male eye by women. When I had it, it made me feel desirable, happy, part of life lived. There was never--I repeat, never--any sense of threat, which is, I imagine, the result of my maleness: there was no power imbalance between the observer, him, and the observed, me.
I acknowledge the problem that many women face--but it's difficult for me not to feel alienated from it. They have what I've lost.
15
"there was no power imbalance between the observer, him, and the observed, me."
Yes! That is the entire point! So why go on thinking that women's unease and even fear under the "male eye"is "exaggerated"?
Aggressive catcalling of a woman by a random man serves as a reminder (deliberate or not) that the average man ultimately can do whatever he wants to the average woman if it's a matter of simple physical strength.
It's not mysterious. It's not rocket science. So why do some men feign bewilderment that women are uncomfortable or fearful when aggressively catcalled?
Yes! That is the entire point! So why go on thinking that women's unease and even fear under the "male eye"is "exaggerated"?
Aggressive catcalling of a woman by a random man serves as a reminder (deliberate or not) that the average man ultimately can do whatever he wants to the average woman if it's a matter of simple physical strength.
It's not mysterious. It's not rocket science. So why do some men feign bewilderment that women are uncomfortable or fearful when aggressively catcalled?
9
As conflicted as I am about the Islamic requirement that women conceal themselves, I do hear those women who do so feel that the practice carries a certain freedom. I suppose they mean freedom from being evaluated by strangers upon their appearance. It is a good reason to cover up, although I feel the unintended social consequences are worse than going uncovered.
Women are forced into self consciousness more than men could ever fathom. It is not fair to be judged by strangers. On the other hand, we can't help but feel reassured that we are within norms of attractiveness.
My heart goes out to the author, for feeling like an outlier among her peers. Fortunately everyone ages out of the male gaze eventually. I am another one of those older ladies who became "invisible". I hope to live long enough to be thought of as cute and helpless. Right now I'm opening all my own doors.
Women are forced into self consciousness more than men could ever fathom. It is not fair to be judged by strangers. On the other hand, we can't help but feel reassured that we are within norms of attractiveness.
My heart goes out to the author, for feeling like an outlier among her peers. Fortunately everyone ages out of the male gaze eventually. I am another one of those older ladies who became "invisible". I hope to live long enough to be thought of as cute and helpless. Right now I'm opening all my own doors.
13
As a female asexual, I've done everything I can to avoid "the male gaze," wh I find infuriating, since men & boys started inflicting it on me when I was about 14.
From childhood thru law school, I was a tomboy who dressed in unisex outfits. (I was lucky enuf to grow up in the 80s, when our culture hadn't started pressuring girls to wear push-up bras, mini-skirts, tops w revealing necklines, designer clothes, heels & sexy lingerie (& wear all this to school); along w wearing "sexy" Halloween costumes & getting "Brazilians" & all those other wonderful intimate "grooming" customs. So no one gave me grief over wearing loose T-shirts, jeans & sneakers.) For formals (a torment), I either wore a designer silk pajama set, or gave up & "went in drag," i.e., an over-the-top ball gown that I tried to position as "ironic."
After college, I worked as a lawyer (for far too many years). I always wore suits with pants (not "pants suits," thank you very much) or a blazer-with-pants set. I never wore any top with a neck lower than a "jewel neck," set off with a strand of pearls or small pendant. I joked this outfit was my "corporate burkha." I tried to emit the vibe that anyone who even thought about harassing me would get slapped with a sexual harassment suit so fast it would spin them into outer space.
Except at work (the lawyers I worked with "got it"), men have harassed me pretty much non-stop. One cold winter I was bundled up like Charlie Brown to go running. Still got harassed.
From childhood thru law school, I was a tomboy who dressed in unisex outfits. (I was lucky enuf to grow up in the 80s, when our culture hadn't started pressuring girls to wear push-up bras, mini-skirts, tops w revealing necklines, designer clothes, heels & sexy lingerie (& wear all this to school); along w wearing "sexy" Halloween costumes & getting "Brazilians" & all those other wonderful intimate "grooming" customs. So no one gave me grief over wearing loose T-shirts, jeans & sneakers.) For formals (a torment), I either wore a designer silk pajama set, or gave up & "went in drag," i.e., an over-the-top ball gown that I tried to position as "ironic."
After college, I worked as a lawyer (for far too many years). I always wore suits with pants (not "pants suits," thank you very much) or a blazer-with-pants set. I never wore any top with a neck lower than a "jewel neck," set off with a strand of pearls or small pendant. I joked this outfit was my "corporate burkha." I tried to emit the vibe that anyone who even thought about harassing me would get slapped with a sexual harassment suit so fast it would spin them into outer space.
Except at work (the lawyers I worked with "got it"), men have harassed me pretty much non-stop. One cold winter I was bundled up like Charlie Brown to go running. Still got harassed.
14
Sorry, but you should know by NOW, and I am surprised you did not figure it out THEN....if you are very attractive, and your looks conform to the modern day westernized concept of "a pretty woman" (slender, young, pretty facial features) then it literally does not matter if you are wearing a burkha. Because that is what many if not most men WANT in a female partner.
If you are homely, older or overweight....you could be wearing a micro-mini-skirt and tube top, and you would only be inviting derision and not lust.
If you are pretty as I described....no outfit is too modest or unflattering to deflect the male gaze.
My extremely pretty stepdaughter -- tall, blonde, thin, blue-eyed and stacked like a Las Vegas showgirl -- has always "dressed down". She has lots of very aggressive tattoos and piercings. On her 18th birthday, she went to a salon and had ALL her gorgeous long blonde hair SHAVED to her skull (think: Yul Brynner or Mr. Clean!) except for one wild cowlick in front that was dyed neon orange.
It did not diminish the overwhelming male interest in her one iota. I can remember cars full of young men, cruising alongside us, as they flirted with her -- cueball head and all.
So obviously, asexual as you are, you have "it". Perhaps your asexuality makes it impossible for YOU to see "it" in yourself.
Here's a hint: it will go away by itself as you age. (Then you may find you miss it!) But if you cannot wait that long, I have a surefire cure: gain 30 pounds.
If you are homely, older or overweight....you could be wearing a micro-mini-skirt and tube top, and you would only be inviting derision and not lust.
If you are pretty as I described....no outfit is too modest or unflattering to deflect the male gaze.
My extremely pretty stepdaughter -- tall, blonde, thin, blue-eyed and stacked like a Las Vegas showgirl -- has always "dressed down". She has lots of very aggressive tattoos and piercings. On her 18th birthday, she went to a salon and had ALL her gorgeous long blonde hair SHAVED to her skull (think: Yul Brynner or Mr. Clean!) except for one wild cowlick in front that was dyed neon orange.
It did not diminish the overwhelming male interest in her one iota. I can remember cars full of young men, cruising alongside us, as they flirted with her -- cueball head and all.
So obviously, asexual as you are, you have "it". Perhaps your asexuality makes it impossible for YOU to see "it" in yourself.
Here's a hint: it will go away by itself as you age. (Then you may find you miss it!) But if you cannot wait that long, I have a surefire cure: gain 30 pounds.
4
If women think they don't sexually objectify men , they are seriously mistaken. Being in denial and closed minded that only men do this, won't help solve this problem between the sexes. Women also need to take a good hard look at their thoughts, attitudes and actions when they deal with men.
13
When I was in my mid-thirties, three of my limbs were damaged in an auto accident. I fully expected my relatively new boyfriend to leave me. I couldn't imagine he'd ever find me attractive again. When he gave me sexy lingerie for Valentine's Day after the accident, I was stunned. Despite the casts and scars and missing parts and metal devices, we went on as passionately as before. It's been nearly two decades since and I now I can't imagine a better life with a more loving man. I hope you find the gaze you long for in a wonderful partner.
123
I'm 66 and I find many women in my age group attractive, interesting, and think I might like to meet them. If that is a problem it is all yours. I have quite a few women friends and am going to query them on the topic. I'l start by sharing this column with several via email right now. I wonder do very many readers know they can share Times content very easily under the File drop down menu, on a Mac at least. You can send a link or the entire item as it appears. Just select "Share". It seems to me that this is something that should be discussed openly much more that it is.
And what's with New Yorkers? I'v almost never witnessed the behavior described in the comments here, hollered at, groped, exposed, really? All the time, everywhere you go? Is there any chance that the vulgarity of some men is being overstated? Why is it this behavior does not occur when I am present?
This is a recurring theme in the Times and part and parcel of the theme is that women spend much of their lives avoiding or fending off unwanted attention. This simply does not fit with my 66 years of observation and close relationships with many women in many different situations. If I had or did witness atrocious behavior by a male toward a female I would intervene, express my disapproval, and call the police if appropriate.
Some readers may be interested in googling "the male gaze," and Laura Mulvey, and reading some of the large amount of writing and discussion on the topic.
And what's with New Yorkers? I'v almost never witnessed the behavior described in the comments here, hollered at, groped, exposed, really? All the time, everywhere you go? Is there any chance that the vulgarity of some men is being overstated? Why is it this behavior does not occur when I am present?
This is a recurring theme in the Times and part and parcel of the theme is that women spend much of their lives avoiding or fending off unwanted attention. This simply does not fit with my 66 years of observation and close relationships with many women in many different situations. If I had or did witness atrocious behavior by a male toward a female I would intervene, express my disapproval, and call the police if appropriate.
Some readers may be interested in googling "the male gaze," and Laura Mulvey, and reading some of the large amount of writing and discussion on the topic.
11
Amusing, cute and brave. You've got my admiration if not my gaze. Whoa - let me take that back - I don't gaze; well, hardly ever; I mean not usually, anyways; well unless she happens to be really attractive. Aw shucks - just shut up, Jon.
6
Having a man look at you and having a man catcall you with crude, sexual terms are not the same thing at all. Catcalling is about a male showing off power to his male peers; it is about dominating confident women, not about acknowledgment or appreciation.
Yes, society does a horrible job of including the disabled (of which I am one), and people need to learn to see you instead of your disability. But that's a completely different issue.
Yes, society does a horrible job of including the disabled (of which I am one), and people need to learn to see you instead of your disability. But that's a completely different issue.
15
The writing is beautiful. But the focus on lack of attraction by men, especially strangers or harassers, under cuts the pain of much broader inability to see the disabled for who they are.
Obesity leaves me invisible to men at parties, or those intent on harassment of pretty woman. But I'm otherwise blessed, certainly not facing the challenges of those disabled like you.
Or perhaps your point is that there are far worse problems than unwelcome attention, and on that point, I can certainly agree.
Obesity leaves me invisible to men at parties, or those intent on harassment of pretty woman. But I'm otherwise blessed, certainly not facing the challenges of those disabled like you.
Or perhaps your point is that there are far worse problems than unwelcome attention, and on that point, I can certainly agree.
5
My impression is that the real problem with unwanted stares is the potential physical danger that it signifies to the receiver (the woman, in this discussion, though it could be generalized.) Similarly for whistles and catcalls. But what is the point of these behaviors from the man's perspective? If the intent is to physically harm, the less "notice", the more effective, no? I'd be much more concerned about stalking-type behavior or even about a quiet man who *averts* his gaze but gives off a weird vibe. (We do have plenty of profiles of killers and rapists to gain insight into this.) In a fairly stupid way, the construction worker who catcalls actually hopes the woman will respond positively and he will get to have (consensual) sex with her; at a minimum, he reaffirms to himself and his other boorish coworkers his ability to attract a member of the opposite sex (and to perform sexually.) If there is no actual threat of violence, the behavior, imo, is just a nuisance. Women are also perfectly capable of equally boorish/disrespectful behavior - it's just that typically the man is under no threat of premeditated violence. Whether a behavior is perceived as a threat is subjective, but some behaviors are very clearly out of bounds. So the question is where to draw the line... A clearer understanding of both male and female sexual psychology coupled with a focus on safety seems to me the right way to approach this.
4
It's essentially a display of dominance over women.
3
Another thought on older women in particular, who often say they have become ‘invisible’. I propose that due to our youth-obsessed society, and of course the value placed on female beauty, many older women begin to buy into this mindset and feel down on themselves. And while that’s not to say that indeed, in some respects, older women are ‘less-valued’ if only because their beauty has waned, older women of course develop other, different values from life experience, wisdom, etc. Part of this ‘invisibleness’ becomes self-perpetuating, particularly when one does not feel good about oneself. No one wants to look at or be around a Debbie Downer. Lol I know that those older women who continue to feel valued, attractive and vibrant, no matter what society or others may think, do indeed come across as more attractive, versus those older women who actually believe themselves to indeed be ‘less valued, less attractive and less vibrant’. What we believe in our own minds often becomes our reality.
8
You deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you look like. Hopefully you will be seen, in that way, by such a person.
Everyone deserves love, and it is hoped, for every Jack there's a Jill. (or various combinations as applicable).
The saddest part of this column to me, is the sense that all men are considered the same, as simply a monolithic, undifferentiated male presence.
I can't help but think that's an expression of a hunger for intimacy, in a world often deprived of it.
We don't applaud rapists. Why would we value leering scoundrels?
The need for human connection is I think universal. The issue, is who one connects with, and why.
Everyone deserves love, and it is hoped, for every Jack there's a Jill. (or various combinations as applicable).
The saddest part of this column to me, is the sense that all men are considered the same, as simply a monolithic, undifferentiated male presence.
I can't help but think that's an expression of a hunger for intimacy, in a world often deprived of it.
We don't applaud rapists. Why would we value leering scoundrels?
The need for human connection is I think universal. The issue, is who one connects with, and why.
9
Unfortunate that all of us can't have it all ways. We want catcalls because they validate us as "one of the desirables". That sort of validation is fleeting, in that age as well as disability puts us in the class of invisibles almost inevitably. Important that we establish some manner of self-worth beyond that external superficial validation, lest the ravages of time render us invisible to ourselves and quash efforts of personal development outside the physical attributes. Age is the great equalizer. Having a disability certain changes one's experience, and I recognize the writer's vantage point. The "male gaze" occurs in a limited time frame, if at all, and is uncomfortable as it is validating. Invisibility contains great freedom.
8
Wow, you really don't understand that objectification of you as a sex object has nothing to do with your sexuality or your ability to be sexual. Instead of wishing you would be objectified, you should be fighting against this. It does all women and men disservice. We are all sexual beings. It is really sad that we have reduced it all to a superficial game. Real connection of any kind does not include objectification. This is just making women or anyone into a projection of your desires.
8
Thank you for this excellent article that helps me better understand the different forms that cerebral palsy can take. As a woman who is able bodied but with Asperger Syndrome, I have also noticed this sense of being completely overlooked by men. I have experienced a few more episodes of harassment than this author, but it is striking how little romantic or sexual attention men have paid me over the years. I always felt as if I were enclosed in some kind of glass compartment that made me invisible to members of the opposite sex.
6
When women complain about male gaze, what they are really upset about is not that men are objectifying them per se, but rather that unattractive or non-wealthy men are objectifying them. What was so upsetting to the author's friends was that low-class construction workers were cat-calling them. If handsome, smart-dressed men had said done the same thing, I doubt they'd actually be upset.
Women are just as shallow as men, maybe even more so.
Women are just as shallow as men, maybe even more so.
19
That's what many men tell themselves so they don't have to stop doing what women don't like, but even if it were true, so what? Just like men, women can't help who they are attracted to. We don't owe every man attention and we don't owe a thing to anyone we don't want to be with.
4
A handsome man who behaves like a boor is no longer handsome.
For all the fantasy about the ugly billionaires getting the pretty women, most women find them extraordinarily appaling. The overwhelming majority of women faced with the boorish behaviour of older, powerful / rich men feels disgusted and extremely uncomfortable (because of the power imbalance).
That there is a small subset of women who do trade their youthful beauty for status and money is no secret, but to conclude that all women are willing and ready to do the same is just lame and ignorant. After all, there are some women who say they enjoy working as prostitutes, but noone would really think that most women would feel comfortable doing it.
Finally, if the handsome men were the only ones getting laid, the human species would have died out a long time ago. The overwhelming majority of young men and women can and do find sexual and romantic partners, although no one is entitled to one. It is, indeed, a much more complicated proposition for the disabled, the old - even the actually tiny minority of truly "ugly" people.
For all the fantasy about the ugly billionaires getting the pretty women, most women find them extraordinarily appaling. The overwhelming majority of women faced with the boorish behaviour of older, powerful / rich men feels disgusted and extremely uncomfortable (because of the power imbalance).
That there is a small subset of women who do trade their youthful beauty for status and money is no secret, but to conclude that all women are willing and ready to do the same is just lame and ignorant. After all, there are some women who say they enjoy working as prostitutes, but noone would really think that most women would feel comfortable doing it.
Finally, if the handsome men were the only ones getting laid, the human species would have died out a long time ago. The overwhelming majority of young men and women can and do find sexual and romantic partners, although no one is entitled to one. It is, indeed, a much more complicated proposition for the disabled, the old - even the actually tiny minority of truly "ugly" people.
2
I am 30 years old and cannot imagine what it would be like to want male attention. After years of being harassed on the street in New York in my early and mid 20's I finally learned some tricks -- I put my long, wavy hair into a bun, wear thick framed glasses, and a baggy coat in winter or baggy dress/culottes in summer and a backpack. And I never wear heels on the street. Since discovering these "tricks" I rarely get catcalled and it's such a relief. I can't wait to age into invisibility so I don't have to worry about what I wear every time I leave my house.
This article really gives meaning to the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"!
This article really gives meaning to the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"!
5
I have seen your picture. Dont sell yourself short. You are an attractive woman.
4
Don't worry, she stated up front that she is beautiful.
4
i was 30 in 1987..she had CP.
the delighful girl at the hardware asked me out to lunch after several months of pleasant chit chat and a few conversations. I made some excuse to not go and I really blew it. I am pretty shy myself. I had been asked out before probably because women can see I just cant get over that hurdle.
I didnt get married until 50 but there are times when life winks at you and this was one of those times. I think about this incident maybe every 6 months or so and just feel terrible about it still and hope this person is having a great life. She was much braver than I
I was afraid of the unknown and I think I should have gone to lunch and just asked questions and listened.
the delighful girl at the hardware asked me out to lunch after several months of pleasant chit chat and a few conversations. I made some excuse to not go and I really blew it. I am pretty shy myself. I had been asked out before probably because women can see I just cant get over that hurdle.
I didnt get married until 50 but there are times when life winks at you and this was one of those times. I think about this incident maybe every 6 months or so and just feel terrible about it still and hope this person is having a great life. She was much braver than I
I was afraid of the unknown and I think I should have gone to lunch and just asked questions and listened.
10
Wow! What a great article! Thank you for writing it, Ms.Bartlett.
In my circle of elderly friends we see to agree that we stopped being ogled when we hit around 50. We became invisible, despite wearing fashionable clothes and makeup. Our figures changed and we got thicker around the middle, even if our weight stayed the same, and men just seemed to know that we had hit menopause. Oh Well. It took me some years until I discovered the joy of being invisible. I quite like it now.
In my circle of elderly friends we see to agree that we stopped being ogled when we hit around 50. We became invisible, despite wearing fashionable clothes and makeup. Our figures changed and we got thicker around the middle, even if our weight stayed the same, and men just seemed to know that we had hit menopause. Oh Well. It took me some years until I discovered the joy of being invisible. I quite like it now.
8
I'm 61, still able-bodied, and am startled to find that occasionally I am still not 'invisible' to men my age (or even sometimes younger men), although I no longer get catcalls, groping, and the problems I had when younger. I should add that except for occasional forays into feminine clothing, which I describe as my 'Barbie phase' or 'gender cosplay', I've generally been the no-makeup, jeans-and-T-shirt type. I never learned to walk in heels; my only makeup was, now and then, a touch of eyeshadow. But even in sweats or tomboy, asexual gear, I still got hit on, sometimes aggressively, and by some really creepy, outright threatening people. I doubt Ms Bartlett would like to be followed around the Port Authority late at night by a guy hissing in your ear the explicit things he wants to do to you, or, also in the PABT, being mistaken for a teenage runaway by a pimp (I was 25), or having a cop in Athens take your passport and refuse to give it back while telling you your picture doesn't do justice to your beauty, or having a soldier in Istanbul push you up against a wall and tell you he's never had an American woman (pardon me, I'm not a free sample!) or .... and those are just some lowlights of what women may have to contend with. The so-called male gaze is not just a wolf whistle and a rude remark.
1
This is a wonderful article. The conditions described therein are an integral part of the human condition on our ever more crowded planet. Male behaviors driven by sex-desires are behind so many of world's problems, especially ISIS and Islamic fundamentalism. Too many men just don't want to have to bother with treating women as sentient beings that are independent and deserving of the same full respect as their fellowman. Another problem is men don't often have much respect for each other, either.
6
I think what would be very interesting to explore is how to define this grey area between appreciating beauty/acknowledging an attraction on one hand, and creepy objectification on the other hand. Because they are different, although some situations are easier to identify than others.
Example: The other day, I for some reason got inspired and wore a nice dress and make-up.
Situation 1: my elderly neighbour who lives on the 1st floor and always is leaning out of her window and always up for a little chat (a blur of her is visible on google maps street view) called me over and said "¡Que guapa estás! ¡Que estás mas guapa cada dia!" (Aren't you pretty today! Really, you get prettier every day!") which made my day. (for 5 minutes)
Situation 2 (5 min later): an old man who I don't know at all says in a deep creepy voice "Ey que guapaaah" which made me feel sick.
Reflections:
1) Am I sexist? Am I prejudiced against older men? Or is it more the other factors, like their intentions that played a bigger role. Maybe if my neighbour were a man, but had said everything else the same way, I wouldn't have been creeped out either.
2) I don't think putting a ban on appreciating beauty/acknowledging an attraction is the right thing to do, because there is nothing wrong with a gaze... is there? It's one of the most important parts of our mating rituals, its part of the human experience that the author yearns.
3) But If I don't wear a dress/make-up, none of this happens, hmm.
Example: The other day, I for some reason got inspired and wore a nice dress and make-up.
Situation 1: my elderly neighbour who lives on the 1st floor and always is leaning out of her window and always up for a little chat (a blur of her is visible on google maps street view) called me over and said "¡Que guapa estás! ¡Que estás mas guapa cada dia!" (Aren't you pretty today! Really, you get prettier every day!") which made my day. (for 5 minutes)
Situation 2 (5 min later): an old man who I don't know at all says in a deep creepy voice "Ey que guapaaah" which made me feel sick.
Reflections:
1) Am I sexist? Am I prejudiced against older men? Or is it more the other factors, like their intentions that played a bigger role. Maybe if my neighbour were a man, but had said everything else the same way, I wouldn't have been creeped out either.
2) I don't think putting a ban on appreciating beauty/acknowledging an attraction is the right thing to do, because there is nothing wrong with a gaze... is there? It's one of the most important parts of our mating rituals, its part of the human experience that the author yearns.
3) But If I don't wear a dress/make-up, none of this happens, hmm.
3
As a female, I understand that due to your receiving ‘virtually no attention’, you want to experience the opposite (attention). Sadly, there never seems to be a perfect medium…some women get ‘too much attention’ and others very little. Some women get attention no matter how hard they try NOT to and other women will get ‘no attention’ no matter how much they wish they did. For your “average” woman however, the level of attention they receive is often in direct correlation to the amount of attention they ‘seek to receive’. Lots of women will ‘complain’ to others about the attention they receive (‘oh, it’s just so hard being attractive’), but their underlying behaviors suggest that in fact they like the attention (though in this PC environment one can never suggest that). It’s not unlike many Asian women who bemoan men with ‘yellow fever’, but who themselves are dating/married to non-asian men. Women can’t act one way and then complain out the other side of their mouths (but you gotta admit it’s a great way to deflect any self-responsibility and ensure that no one questions them and their own behaviors). There were many times I dressed in such a way that I knew once I walked outside the door, I’d be receiving some male attention. It’s hypocritical to then ‘complain’ about it.
9
Yeah, it's a weird thing. I give kudos to this writer for being honest. It's hard to both yearn for and repudiate sexual attention at the same time but I think that's the reality for a lot of us.
I've gone from fat to thin and back again several times and people will treat me like I am a different person, depending on my weight. It's a very strange feeling and it means I don't really trust the treatment I get when thin. I know being thin and pretty colours what people think of me in a positive way, just as being fat colours what they think of me in a negative way. It's not real. At the same time, it does make me feel good or bad. It's hard to completely detach from it.
I've gone from fat to thin and back again several times and people will treat me like I am a different person, depending on my weight. It's a very strange feeling and it means I don't really trust the treatment I get when thin. I know being thin and pretty colours what people think of me in a positive way, just as being fat colours what they think of me in a negative way. It's not real. At the same time, it does make me feel good or bad. It's hard to completely detach from it.
15
I remember asking a girlfriend if women like to be looked at by men, and she answered, 'If he's cute'. So...a man is supposed to know somehow that a woman finds him cute, and then it's ok. If she doesn't, it's not ok! Got it.
13
Or, as Chris Rock once said: "it's only sexual harassment if the guy is ugly".
10
I'm guessing you guys are confusing this woman with someone far less thoughtful. You might think about meeting women in other places and situations. It would be more satisfying for you!
1
So because your girlfriend thought that way, all women do because that's what you choose to think. Got it.
1
This perspective works both way.
Women can shy away from men in braces, riding in wheel chairs, etc. , i do, their world scares me.
Do these men feel the same lose as you do - i have to assume so.
Women can shy away from men in braces, riding in wheel chairs, etc. , i do, their world scares me.
Do these men feel the same lose as you do - i have to assume so.
9
Judgment of beauty, like success, is determined by the eye of the beholder.
Love thyself.
Love thyself.
3
It's tough be a woman. Period.
4
For whatever it's worth, it's tough to be a man too, without periods even.
6
So what is it that you want exactly?
We are all individuals and we make our way in the world that way. You too. Apparently you have friends. Are you missing a romantic relationship. I am sure there are several available for you. Oh and for the love of God please stop listening to man hating radical feminists like Ms. Valenti. They are miserable and looking for company.
We are all individuals and we make our way in the world that way. You too. Apparently you have friends. Are you missing a romantic relationship. I am sure there are several available for you. Oh and for the love of God please stop listening to man hating radical feminists like Ms. Valenti. They are miserable and looking for company.
3
Women are beautiful. Sometimes, its hard not to stare. Sunglasses help.
5
Let's be clear: looking at somebody is not necessarily harassment.
Nobody wants to go through life ignored, if not invisible.
Nobody wants to go through life ignored, if not invisible.
9
One of your advantages or differences arises in the second paragraph. "I have also always been beautiful." Can you imagine an able bodied woman declaring her own beauty without being called numerous names(snob, stuck-up, narcissistic, etc)? No, only you can get away with that piece of self-flattery and have people laud you for your self-love, confidence, etc. So what's the point?
8
I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this.
Of course, I can understand a woman's (or man's) need to feel desired no matter their age, ability, or "conventional" beauty. You would be hard pressed to find someone who has no desire to feel wanted. However, I think this undoubtedly lovely woman's message has gone somewhat off the rails. Perhaps she should have written of wanting to feel desired in the context of a relationship or an encounter involving a particular man. She states repeatedly how only having been sexually harassed one time in her life has made her feel like an outsider who hasn't truly experienced being a woman. That is terribly misguided.
"Sexual harassment" is only positive when you reciprocate those feelings of sexual attraction, and if you reciprocate those feelings, then it isn't "sexual harassment". Being constantly groped, leered at, and made to feel like you serve no purpose greater than the viewing pleasure of men is not something she should feel she has "missed out on". It's disgusting.
Of course, I can understand a woman's (or man's) need to feel desired no matter their age, ability, or "conventional" beauty. You would be hard pressed to find someone who has no desire to feel wanted. However, I think this undoubtedly lovely woman's message has gone somewhat off the rails. Perhaps she should have written of wanting to feel desired in the context of a relationship or an encounter involving a particular man. She states repeatedly how only having been sexually harassed one time in her life has made her feel like an outsider who hasn't truly experienced being a woman. That is terribly misguided.
"Sexual harassment" is only positive when you reciprocate those feelings of sexual attraction, and if you reciprocate those feelings, then it isn't "sexual harassment". Being constantly groped, leered at, and made to feel like you serve no purpose greater than the viewing pleasure of men is not something she should feel she has "missed out on". It's disgusting.
9
I grew up being called ugly. The word was leveled against me so often that I accepted it as fact and resigned myself to a lifetime of romantic and sexual isolation. In my teens, however, I swapped my glasses for contacts and suddenly I was a dreamboat. Wherever I went, girls would giggle and flirt and shower me with their phone numbers. I went from "ugly" to "gorgeous" literally overnight. When I got to college, I came out as gay and started going to gay clubs and events, where I was constantly mobbed by randy men. I had men pounce upon me. I had men grope my crotch and buttocks. I had men beg to perform all manner of sexual acts on me. I had men threaten to hurt me and insist I would like it. It was a lot to process for a kid still in his teens, especially one with my history. I learned how to deal with it as I got older (I'm pushing 50), though there have definitely been times when I wanted to be invisible, when I wanted not to attract sexual attention. But I would never want to go back to life as an "ugly" person. I would gladly accept the harassment and the groping to avoid the dehumanization that our society inflicts upon those it deems unattractive. Whatever objectification I've endured in life is nothing compared to the annihilating disdain I experienced as a kid. Whenever someone bemoans their lot as a beautiful person, I wish they could understand life on the other side of the fence.
18
I definitely understand where this writer is coming from. (Although, as a gay/bi woman, I have to say that if you don't want to be objectified, don't plunge into the gay male club culture, which is all about objectification and immediate physical gratification.)
I was a chubby kid and a downright fat teenager. Then, after high school, I lost the weight and discovered the adults who kept telling me it was a shame I was fat because I had 'such a pretty face' were right. So, I too have been on both sides of that fence, and fully endorse your comment. (I'd add that male attention didn't 'fix' my orientation problem, as I had thought it would.)
However, when I became officially 'pretty', I found another drawback: the envy of women (and some men) who felt compelled to denigrate physical beauty as an unworthy asset or unearned.
Yes, beauty is to some extent an accident of birth and genes; yes, it is fleeting; yes, it does not necessarily correlate with any other virtues. However, all the same may be said of brains, athletic prowess, or any talent. You may be born with it, but it's what you make of it. All virtues are evanescent; time enfeebles the athlete and the dancer, saps the mental power of geniuses. And brains or talent, just like beauty, may be bestowed on the morally deplorable.
Some people will always be prettier, or more graceful, or more intelligent, than others. Or even all of the above. Most of us will fall somewhere in the big bulge of the bell curve.
I was a chubby kid and a downright fat teenager. Then, after high school, I lost the weight and discovered the adults who kept telling me it was a shame I was fat because I had 'such a pretty face' were right. So, I too have been on both sides of that fence, and fully endorse your comment. (I'd add that male attention didn't 'fix' my orientation problem, as I had thought it would.)
However, when I became officially 'pretty', I found another drawback: the envy of women (and some men) who felt compelled to denigrate physical beauty as an unworthy asset or unearned.
Yes, beauty is to some extent an accident of birth and genes; yes, it is fleeting; yes, it does not necessarily correlate with any other virtues. However, all the same may be said of brains, athletic prowess, or any talent. You may be born with it, but it's what you make of it. All virtues are evanescent; time enfeebles the athlete and the dancer, saps the mental power of geniuses. And brains or talent, just like beauty, may be bestowed on the morally deplorable.
Some people will always be prettier, or more graceful, or more intelligent, than others. Or even all of the above. Most of us will fall somewhere in the big bulge of the bell curve.
2
There's a lot going on in this piece. Thanks for publishing it. That said, I find the responses more interesting, and disturbing, than the essay itself. In particular, I find it disturbing that some posters here seems to think that by simply publishing the article and acknowledging Ms. Bartlett's experience, somehow it validates, or makes OK, sexual harassment, objectification etc. At the very least, Ms. Bartlett is due her own experience without castigation from the PC police.
4
I appreciate Ms. Bartlett's complicated understanding of the attentions, wanted and unwanted, of men. But...
1. I am a man, not a "male." Women don't seem to like to be called "females" anymore, but they, and particularly feminists, have absolutely no problem calling us "males."
2. Honestly - and I can't speak for this writer - it's amazing that you would prefer a rude come on to being invisible which the decent men I know would never make. So I guess that the man who does it is a pig, but a better pig than the ones who don't talk to you at all. Whatever.
3. Sexual politics will always be complicated by the fact that women still want men to approach them sometimes and to look at them sometimes. Just not the wrong men. And only sometimes. The trouble is, these wrong men don't always know this, and they may feel they have to take a chance.
4. If you disagree with (3) above, fine. Then women need to agree to initiate all or most romantic or sexual contact. That way, there will never be any dispute as to who wanted what.
5. Men look at women; they always have. I don't think it's just a bad "culture." It's how we're built. That's not a cop-out, that's biology. But fine, if you want to change our culture so that men looking at women is not OK, then tell women not to dress so as to be seen. And please, it's just lame when you say "I wasn't necessarily trying to attract men, blah, blah, blah." That's disingenuous. Of course you were. That's what women do. And they always have.
1. I am a man, not a "male." Women don't seem to like to be called "females" anymore, but they, and particularly feminists, have absolutely no problem calling us "males."
2. Honestly - and I can't speak for this writer - it's amazing that you would prefer a rude come on to being invisible which the decent men I know would never make. So I guess that the man who does it is a pig, but a better pig than the ones who don't talk to you at all. Whatever.
3. Sexual politics will always be complicated by the fact that women still want men to approach them sometimes and to look at them sometimes. Just not the wrong men. And only sometimes. The trouble is, these wrong men don't always know this, and they may feel they have to take a chance.
4. If you disagree with (3) above, fine. Then women need to agree to initiate all or most romantic or sexual contact. That way, there will never be any dispute as to who wanted what.
5. Men look at women; they always have. I don't think it's just a bad "culture." It's how we're built. That's not a cop-out, that's biology. But fine, if you want to change our culture so that men looking at women is not OK, then tell women not to dress so as to be seen. And please, it's just lame when you say "I wasn't necessarily trying to attract men, blah, blah, blah." That's disingenuous. Of course you were. That's what women do. And they always have.
12
There will be those for which beauty and the worth of being longed for are a treasured asset, and once lost, pursued in the NYT fashion and arts section as echos of lost hierarchy.
For the rest of, it has never existed. You are not alone.
For the rest of, it has never existed. You are not alone.
3
We've normalized sexual harassment to the point that when it doesn't happen, it seems like something is wrong. If men didn't feel empowered to objectify women and loudly blather their opinions on our appearance day in and day out, it would just seem ordinary for any kind of woman to peacefully walk down the street.
55
"Valenti currently has a 5-year-old daughter, and she wrestles for a way to prepare her child for an onslaught of male harassment. She takes for granted that this will happen."
She takes it for granted because it's already happened: Didn't you hear? Ms. Valenti had to quit Twitter due to rape and murder threats against her 5 year old daughter. Let that sink in, about what exactly you're being "excluded" from. http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2016/07/29/feminist-writer-je...
She takes it for granted because it's already happened: Didn't you hear? Ms. Valenti had to quit Twitter due to rape and murder threats against her 5 year old daughter. Let that sink in, about what exactly you're being "excluded" from. http://nytlive.nytimes.com/womenintheworld/2016/07/29/feminist-writer-je...
8
I just did read it. And it wasn't threats but one threat, one out of the 120K followers she has/ You live your life in the public square, that can happen. Ms. Valenti reminds me of someone who would drive 100 miles to receive an insult.
4
Let's not forget #GamerGate
I am surprised that so many commenters feel the need to conflate this young woman's disability and subsequent yearnings to aging. Unless you have CP and know first hand how sexually stigmatizing that can be, please everyone try not to equate the tragedy of being able bodied, beautiful and being leered at with the social constructs of a bonafied disability and not being leered at. I have a young adult daughter with CP who struggles with the same longings, primarily just to be more like everyone else, so thank you Ms. Bartlett for your eloquent words. I hope the best for you, there's clearly a lot you have to offer, both to the world and some person.
34
I agree with your comment.
In university, I had women friends (I am a woman myself) who were stunningly beautiful. I really did not see any disadvantage to it and in fact, their beauty offered them advantages that those of us who were plainer had no chance of getting....whether it was men who would offer to help them with their homework or waiters who offered us prime seats or freebies at restaurants, bars, etc.. I had no idea how different the world could be until I had several friends like this. (I can't really complain as I was an occasional beneficiary of their looks too!) I highly doubt any of them would have switched positions with me looks-wise.
Conversely, I often wonder what women who are deemed different or "ugly" must experience compared to me, an average-looking person who does not attract attention looks-wise one way or another.
Of note, a great movie that tackles the issues of sex, desirability, and disability is 'The Sessions with Helen Hunt and John Hawkes.
In university, I had women friends (I am a woman myself) who were stunningly beautiful. I really did not see any disadvantage to it and in fact, their beauty offered them advantages that those of us who were plainer had no chance of getting....whether it was men who would offer to help them with their homework or waiters who offered us prime seats or freebies at restaurants, bars, etc.. I had no idea how different the world could be until I had several friends like this. (I can't really complain as I was an occasional beneficiary of their looks too!) I highly doubt any of them would have switched positions with me looks-wise.
Conversely, I often wonder what women who are deemed different or "ugly" must experience compared to me, an average-looking person who does not attract attention looks-wise one way or another.
Of note, a great movie that tackles the issues of sex, desirability, and disability is 'The Sessions with Helen Hunt and John Hawkes.
3
I've had a couple of friends who were pretty, but one in particular was a real knockout. I didn't meet her until we were about 30, so I don't think I fully realized until then ALL the perks, privileges, & benefits that accrue to women who are REALLY pretty.
She got jobs, from fawning employers who fell for her at first sight. She had boyfriends lined up around the block. She got invited to fancy parties, by people who had barely just met her -- purely on her looks. The favors people did for her, just in the slight hope she would shine some attention on them -- there isn't space here to list them all. She got men to do stuff like remodel her house for FREE. One guy bought her a $5000 computer system & installed it! She was taken on trips to Europe, cruises, etc. She was so used to this, she felt no guilt or regrets in taking lavish gifts or jobs from men she had NO intention of ever actually dating! she played some guys for YEARS ON END like this.
As her best friend, I had to get used to it, including the midnight calls from desperate men who hoped that I could intercede with her on their behalf. I had to get used to stuff like sitting in a restaurant with her, while some man paid for HER dinner -- simply on the hope of getting a glance or wave from her -- and ignored me like I was a clod of dirt on the floor.
It all started going south when she hit 45, and put on a few lbs of menopausal weight. She was devastated, because she had NO coping skills otherwise at living life.
She got jobs, from fawning employers who fell for her at first sight. She had boyfriends lined up around the block. She got invited to fancy parties, by people who had barely just met her -- purely on her looks. The favors people did for her, just in the slight hope she would shine some attention on them -- there isn't space here to list them all. She got men to do stuff like remodel her house for FREE. One guy bought her a $5000 computer system & installed it! She was taken on trips to Europe, cruises, etc. She was so used to this, she felt no guilt or regrets in taking lavish gifts or jobs from men she had NO intention of ever actually dating! she played some guys for YEARS ON END like this.
As her best friend, I had to get used to it, including the midnight calls from desperate men who hoped that I could intercede with her on their behalf. I had to get used to stuff like sitting in a restaurant with her, while some man paid for HER dinner -- simply on the hope of getting a glance or wave from her -- and ignored me like I was a clod of dirt on the floor.
It all started going south when she hit 45, and put on a few lbs of menopausal weight. She was devastated, because she had NO coping skills otherwise at living life.
2
Mrs. Bartlett's humanity, flaws, and yearns are lost in the jargon of well educated and analytical commentators of the NYTimes. "Sexuality, ablism, objectification, sexism, patriarchy, and power " can all be compared and contrasted, but it seems the essence of her writing is about the yearn for normalcy even if that means sexual objectification. The truth here is that it's better to "suffer" together than suffer alone. This is the most insightful piece I've read all year. Thank you.
33
Very well-written. I just looked up some of your poetry, and that's pretty darn good, too.
In my opinion, guys who chirp at girls who walk by do so in an almost admittedly creepy way. There is a clear desperation in the encounter, they act shameful because they are ashamed, etc., and those folks wouldn't be worth your time in the long run.
In my opinion, guys who chirp at girls who walk by do so in an almost admittedly creepy way. There is a clear desperation in the encounter, they act shameful because they are ashamed, etc., and those folks wouldn't be worth your time in the long run.
11
They aren't ashamed. It doesn't go that deep. They are acting out and it is no more than that.
1
This article is really, really disturbing. It points out two different ways of objectifying women - as "attractive", and as "not attractive" or perhaps not even female "enough." Both are disturbing. Both are, frankly, wrong. There's no need to compare them and say you'd rather be objectified as a woman than objectified as a disabled person. In neither case should men (or anyone) treat you as if you are less than human. I understand the desire to be found attractive. But being objectified is NOT being found attractive.
45
Women objectify men - he is attractive/ handsome or his is butt ugly / troll.
So it works both ways - it's the way the sexes hook up to propagate the human species. Only the individual's opinion of their actions can change not the DNA.
So it works both ways - it's the way the sexes hook up to propagate the human species. Only the individual's opinion of their actions can change not the DNA.
1
Catherine from VA, you missed the point and the nuance of this article. This person is writing from a vulnerable place. This is not about being treated less than human, we all need/want a feeling of being wanted on some level - physical or otherwise. Your comments debase her whole effort of communicating her reality.
2
I am a woman and I know how you feel. I've never felt that attractive, to tell you the truth, but I always appreciated my father so very much because he used to tell me that one day I would be Miss America! Of course, I never believed him! I have been young and kind of pretty and kind of cute, and then fat and not so cute, and then thin again and much better looking, and then pregnant and gigantic a couple of times, and much worse looking. I know what being invisible feels like and what an admiring glance feels like. I'll take the admiring glance any day! As I've gotten older, I finally feel comfortable with how I look compared with other women my age. Although I think objectification is wrong, I've never felt too bad for women who are very attractive and who don't like men's attention (and I'm not talking about menacing or aggressive behavior). Thanks for the article. I totally get it!
15
When it's constant, relentless and they have zero interest in your brain or personality, it's exhausting and very very unpleasant, yes even traumatic. When you politely say no thanks, they often turn on you with a snarl, crude words or even threats. There are times I envy the clothing choices of muslim women.
7
First, a bow to you Ms. Bartlett for your courage and eloquence. What a fascinating cultural minefield you explore. I have to wonder what the colossal global fashion, cosmetics and plastic surgery industries are about if the goal of millions of men and women is NOT to attract visual attention from others. Sexual harassment is disgusting and utterly unacceptable, but some commentators seem to long for a world where people do not see others as possessing any visual desirability at all. Really? Is that a worldview that matches with the wider reality? Who among us has not appreciated being appropriately admired now and then, even for our superficial visual traits? Why should any person not long for a gaze that reflects admiration or desire?
13
I want to look good for my own satisfaction, not to attract attention from others. I long for a world where, if other people think I am attractive, they keep it to themselves unless we are in an intimate enough relationship to warrant comment. My body are face are not public property, but too many men think they are.
It used to be that, when I complained about some goon harassing me at work or on the street, men would say, "Enjoy it. Once you are past 40 you will miss the attention." Well, 40 came and went 25 years ago, but the attention has not stopped. I wish men would get it through their heads that women are people, too, and simple human respect requires that you keep your lust and your fantasies to yourselves.
It used to be that, when I complained about some goon harassing me at work or on the street, men would say, "Enjoy it. Once you are past 40 you will miss the attention." Well, 40 came and went 25 years ago, but the attention has not stopped. I wish men would get it through their heads that women are people, too, and simple human respect requires that you keep your lust and your fantasies to yourselves.
8
"I have also always been beautiful and a nice dresser."
And modest, too!
And modest, too!
25
Why should she have to affect false modesty? A beautiful woman usually knows she's beautiful; and dressing nicely involves some effort and judgement.
2
Unfortunate as your condition is, it seems to have given you a rare gift of insight and enlightenment. I hope in the next life you receive all that has been lost in this. No doubt you will appreciate it more than what we all take for granted.
18
This is beautiful and heartfelt. But how sad that Jennifer feels she has two choices: to be harassed or ignored. Most women yearn to be found desirable. Why should anyone think it would be different for those with a disability? I'm now over 60 and, though I don't feel any less vibrant or attractive, I have to agree with many of the other women who commented here that I've entered the age of invisibility. After many years of happily living single I'm settled into a 20-year relationship with a man I met in my 20's. The other day I jokingly told him that my horoscope said he would find me desirable and asked him if it was so. He said, "I find you desirable every day." Jennifer, I hope you get the gaze you're longing for, but that it comes from love.
30
This is the experience that nearly all men have nearly constantly. This feeling you experience is nearly universal to the experience of men. There are no women leering at us. Women look at us with disinterest, or even fear, for nothing more than being male. I feel for you. I really really do. Because I, like most men, know what you feel like.
68
men ignored by women.
not true in my 20s.
certainly true in my 60s, at least "with lust in their eyes. "
not true in my 20s.
certainly true in my 60s, at least "with lust in their eyes. "
2
As a man I couldn't have said it better.
1
"This feeling you experience is nearly universal to the experience of men". And you have established this how?
Why make sweeping claims like this? Why not talk about your personal experience as such?
Why make sweeping claims like this? Why not talk about your personal experience as such?
1
"Having cerebral palsy means I don’t get sexually harassed by men. But it’s no fun being invisible.".you don't need to have a disability to be invisible. unattractive people of both sexes as well as older people are also invisible. and now, with everyone looking at their smartphones all the time, everyone else is invisible.
136
I agree. I always find it interesting...the number of women in particular, who claim to become 'invisible' after a certain age. IMO, it's not so much that these women have become 'invisible' as much as these women are no longer receiving the male attention they used to receive (and it sounds like they lament this fact...). As you say, and I've always said myself, the majority of people on the planet are 'invisible', if by invisible we mean they do not receive any special treatment, stares, unsolicited 'compliments', etc.
And that smartphone problem...a whole 'nother issue right there. ;-)
And that smartphone problem...a whole 'nother issue right there. ;-)
6
Interesting to read. I think most people would admit that they like to be looked at but no one likes to be harassed. Another thing I've noticed is that what is harassment in the minds of some men is different from what is harassment in the minds of most women. Some men imagine what they think a woman wants to hear and what they would like someone to tell them and then they say it.
One other thought I would like people to consider....
If, as a male, I'm expected to ask the woman out, and I do so, and she is not interested. Did I just harass her? Getting attention from someone you are not interested in is harassment in the eyes of some. To be clear I NEVER make that first move unless there's legitimate lingering eye contact there, and I'm extra- positive that she might be interested in talking. But even then I could be wrong? She may have been thinking " What the hell is wrong with that guy?"
I think I'll stay in tonight.
One other thought I would like people to consider....
If, as a male, I'm expected to ask the woman out, and I do so, and she is not interested. Did I just harass her? Getting attention from someone you are not interested in is harassment in the eyes of some. To be clear I NEVER make that first move unless there's legitimate lingering eye contact there, and I'm extra- positive that she might be interested in talking. But even then I could be wrong? She may have been thinking " What the hell is wrong with that guy?"
I think I'll stay in tonight.
50
What women say is appropriate behavior out of men and what they biologically respond to are often two different things.
3
That is smart. The best men I've ever dated have been the ones that I have approached myself.
2
So you approach women in appropriate settings after establishing eye contact - and, I assume, you take no for an answer. You're doing exactly what you should be doing (the eye contact thing is actually a good sign, because women have all learned to avoid eye contact in order to deflect unwanted attention). So, have you ever had a woman complain about you harassing them? Any woman getting angry at you for approaching her?
I guess you haven't. You're just making up scare stories, to try and make it much more difficult than it is, to behaviour you (say you) do not engage in or condone. It's really not rocket science - you have figured it out after all, as most men do.
I guess you haven't. You're just making up scare stories, to try and make it much more difficult than it is, to behaviour you (say you) do not engage in or condone. It's really not rocket science - you have figured it out after all, as most men do.
1
We are sexual beings; as such, we respond accordingly. And the desire to be desired is an integral part of this human interplay, and contributing to the excitement. Go right ahead, and make yourself 'felt' in the gaze, its your birthright.
6
Why do men conflate sexual harassment with "the desire to be desired"? I find that generally men do not understand that the "desire" inflicted on women usually has nothing to do with them, but with some fantasy men have about them because they have a certain "look" or they have conspicuous breasts or an ass men find appealing. It's called objectification, and as such, it is NOT flattering and it does NOT make a woman feel "desired." It is annoying, often frightening, and a constant distraction from one's own thoughts. The only women I know who want to experience street harassment are the ones men do not find "sexy." If Jennifer Bartlett was the target of the constant harassment those deemed "sexy" receive, she would hate it, too. I think her article will contribute to the justification men feel for imposing themselves on women who just want to be left alone.
5
I am old and do not get looks or catcalls anymore. I am so glad. They were especially bad when I had a baby in a stroller.
6
Hello, my online name is from several years ago when I often penned insightful words regarding the bush administration and found that my words were met by fear and discomfort.... It's a moniker from another time period.
That's not why I'm writing to you. I admire your ability to express online about your experience and your trying to make sense of it. Thank you for that, may you find some success!
Many years ago when learning about Japanese culture I found that teacups were made with imperfections after many years of making perfect teacups. wabi-sabi was the word used to describe the concept. Constant change and difference is the mark of the biological world....a conforming to the things and making us all different from each other.
People are born with all kinds of disabilities that aren't always visible. Some people are born into homes where living in a dysfunctional family creates a personality that is unbearable to other people and although they look normal they are unable to mix or partner easily or at all. I have a hearing loss that requires that I pay attention to people to understand what they are saying and learn the trajectory of their thoughts quickly and easily because knowing the context of a conversation makes it easier to follow......I have to watch people a lot to get to know what they are thinking and why. I am amazed that we have any level of conformity or ability to mix at all given the different life circumstances we have all moved through.
That's not why I'm writing to you. I admire your ability to express online about your experience and your trying to make sense of it. Thank you for that, may you find some success!
Many years ago when learning about Japanese culture I found that teacups were made with imperfections after many years of making perfect teacups. wabi-sabi was the word used to describe the concept. Constant change and difference is the mark of the biological world....a conforming to the things and making us all different from each other.
People are born with all kinds of disabilities that aren't always visible. Some people are born into homes where living in a dysfunctional family creates a personality that is unbearable to other people and although they look normal they are unable to mix or partner easily or at all. I have a hearing loss that requires that I pay attention to people to understand what they are saying and learn the trajectory of their thoughts quickly and easily because knowing the context of a conversation makes it easier to follow......I have to watch people a lot to get to know what they are thinking and why. I am amazed that we have any level of conformity or ability to mix at all given the different life circumstances we have all moved through.
7
No has always meant no to me, ever since my teenage years. Even if I falsely imagined that a girl wasn't interested, I stopped, fearful of embarrassment.
It's hard to believe I'm in a minority. There are always many fish in the sea, no?
It's hard to believe I'm in a minority. There are always many fish in the sea, no?
3
Just want to note for the record, I'm a man, I've never assaulted a woman nor would I ever consider doing so. Perhaps I'm the rare, reserved, gentlemanly type? I lament that my gender apparently behaves this way. Though the assumption that women only care about a man's personality and emotional intelligence is also not true. Our biology and evolution makes us discriminating animals, whether we say it out loud or think it inside is a matter of up-bringing and culture.
2
No one should be rendered invisible if they want to be seen. No one should be sexually harassed. Both of these are versions of not recognizing someone's basic humanity. There need not be an opposition here.
9
Just chiming in with the other 60-something women who accurately report that we are invisible. I was never all that good looking in my youth (though my photos suggest I may have looked better than I believed) and never experienced harassment (or maybe I was oblivious), but I appreciated the rare person who seemed to think I was pretty, cute, attractive. I'm baffled by the women who say it's a relief to be invisible. I don't enjoy invisibility one bit and I find it horribly depressing.
13
It's a relief to some women because we resent and are sick of being looked at like a piece of meat and disrespected with noises and comments on our looks when we feel we have value in other areas as well.
1
Interesting yet disturbing piece. I can't wrap my head around being envious of women who are sexually harrassed. I have rarely been catcalled and when it has happened I have been fearful for my safety. Too many men see women as objects they can take, use, and throw away without any regard for our humanity. Though it's just as disturbing to be considered invisible because of the same objectification that leads to women being harrassed. What a bizarre society we live in.
9
"Jessica Valenti...describes constantly thwarting unwanted advances from men in all areas of her life. Valenti currently has a 5-year-old daughter, and she wrestles for a way to prepare her child for an onslaught of male harassment."
it's kind of like wishing for world peace. men, and women, can be animals and are sexual animals--men more so than women. you can not realistically turn off the male sex drive, and even if you could, i doubt if you would want to turn it off permanently. which is worse: eunuchs or lechers?
the best thing that i can think of is to keep sex private and subdued in public, especially in mixed company, but there is a danger of becoming repressed in the process. (burkas and chastity belts? i hope not.) it's a delicate balance and the optimum amount of sexuality varies widely across individuals, across time, and across social settings.
it's kind of like wishing for world peace. men, and women, can be animals and are sexual animals--men more so than women. you can not realistically turn off the male sex drive, and even if you could, i doubt if you would want to turn it off permanently. which is worse: eunuchs or lechers?
the best thing that i can think of is to keep sex private and subdued in public, especially in mixed company, but there is a danger of becoming repressed in the process. (burkas and chastity belts? i hope not.) it's a delicate balance and the optimum amount of sexuality varies widely across individuals, across time, and across social settings.
1
"but there is a danger of becoming repressed in the process. (burkas and chastity belts? i hope not.)"
I notice you guys never suggest chastity belts or similar measures for men.
I notice you guys never suggest chastity belts or similar measures for men.
1
Obviously no woman deserves to be harassed, sexually or otherwise. However, I think a lot of women are being just a bit dishonest when they deny that they ALL women don't sometimes desire a "bad boy."
I am a pretty attractive man for the most part. I often find that my limited success with women came when I acted distant and aloof....in other words, kind of like a jerk. Not overtly hostile of course, but disinterested.
The women I truly desired and tried to pursue by being a gentlemen at every opportunity could not have been less interested in me. One of them even told me I should have "been more aggressive." Go figure.
I am a pretty attractive man for the most part. I often find that my limited success with women came when I acted distant and aloof....in other words, kind of like a jerk. Not overtly hostile of course, but disinterested.
The women I truly desired and tried to pursue by being a gentlemen at every opportunity could not have been less interested in me. One of them even told me I should have "been more aggressive." Go figure.
9
What does your comment have to do with street harassment? Nothing. You are simply parroting the "bad boy" theory - that women want men to be nasty to them, and "nice guys" never get anywhere with women.
The only "bad boys" I've ever found attractive were the ones who refrained from harassing me and who respected me for who I am.
Women do not want to be abused. They also do not want men who "act like gentlemen" until they have the opportunity to pounce. Women want to be recognized as human beings, not sex dispensaries.
Your irrelevant theory stinks.
The only "bad boys" I've ever found attractive were the ones who refrained from harassing me and who respected me for who I am.
Women do not want to be abused. They also do not want men who "act like gentlemen" until they have the opportunity to pounce. Women want to be recognized as human beings, not sex dispensaries.
Your irrelevant theory stinks.
7
Sexual harassment is clearly wrong, and I have witnessed it in my life. That being said, we are raising a generation of men to look and treat all women as Ms. Bartlett has been treated. This leaves the young men that play by these new rules severely handicapped in dating compared to men that aren't indoctrinated in these feminism inspired ways. How do I know? I too acted like you did, a complete gentlemen. Making a long story short, acting disinterested and "kind of like a jerk" has made me and my significant other a lot happier.
1
I don't buy the idea that all (or even most) women want a "bad boy." My experience is that women like men who are confident, humble, funny, and kind, everything else being equal.
Of course there will be many times when you're just not their cup of tea, for whatever reason. But when a woman tells you after the fact that you should have been more aggressive, she's not telling you she likes hostility. She's telling you she likes a guy who makes it known, clearly but tastefully, that he's interested.
There's nothing less effective in the dating world for men than being passive.
Of course there will be many times when you're just not their cup of tea, for whatever reason. But when a woman tells you after the fact that you should have been more aggressive, she's not telling you she likes hostility. She's telling you she likes a guy who makes it known, clearly but tastefully, that he's interested.
There's nothing less effective in the dating world for men than being passive.
5
Interesting, conflating the unwanted gaze with attention and maybe love. I understand. As a child, with a younger and older sibling whose looks attracted a lot of attention, I grew up thinking I was unattractive. In looking at old pictures now, however, I see that I was not. But I know that even my own mother favored them because of their looks. Decades later, I still feel it. No, it's not the same as having a disability and being overlooked because of it, but it is maybe related to that feeling of being invisible or assuming that you are not on others' radar.
9
This article is a reminder that the world is a better place when we go out of our way to make everyone feel beautiful, not just those who match an ideal of beauty. But that's easier said than done, and not just because we lack infinite time and resources. I would posit that feeling sexually desirable is necessarily based on feedback we receive from others, but it is inherently difficult to convey that to someone that to someone without crossing the line into creepiness. Hence the task of making people feel good in that way is bound to be full of errors and awkwardness. I am not by any means in the whistling/hooting construction worker category, but I've committed my share of awkward or offensive acts.
6
This is a fascinating piece. And as a 56 yr-old with a slight limp from MS, I empathize with many commenters.
Here's what I've noticed: women don't compliment men enough. A lot of men put a bit of effort into their look, when I see that, I make a point of initiating a conversation with them. I start with the shoes, move on to the vintage shirt, comment on the facial hair, and tell them I appreciate the 70's Burt Reynold's thing they have going on with the sideburns.
These handsome young men light up. And at 56 I can do this with impunity. You know who really ignores middle-aged women? Young women. So many think they are the cat's meow, and these little prima-donnas can end up behaving pretty selfishly sometimes.
Here's what I've noticed: women don't compliment men enough. A lot of men put a bit of effort into their look, when I see that, I make a point of initiating a conversation with them. I start with the shoes, move on to the vintage shirt, comment on the facial hair, and tell them I appreciate the 70's Burt Reynold's thing they have going on with the sideburns.
These handsome young men light up. And at 56 I can do this with impunity. You know who really ignores middle-aged women? Young women. So many think they are the cat's meow, and these little prima-donnas can end up behaving pretty selfishly sometimes.
55
Good work, Lisa....keep it up !
11
I'm a big admirer of you, you made my week!
2
Thank you, you probably don't realize how many days you have made.
4
I lived Costa Rica in the mid 1990s and worked at a Costa Rican company. Men in that culture are much more verbally forward towards women than is tipical in the United States. The practice of flirting with - or making comments towards - women on the streets is called 'piripo'. Some of my Costa Rican female colleagues told me that when they were in the US they missed the attention of men. Absent the aggressive Costa Rican piripo they didn't feel attractive.
3
That's because they have been acculturated to be slaves to men. No thanks.
4
Chicks are crazy.
They detest men who are pigs and display unwelcome interest in them, by looks [leers?], crude remarks, etc. But they also detest men who are pigs and ignore them and show no interest. Don't they see my inner beauty?
And have you noticed that almost all older women - those over 50 - cut their hair pretty short - above the shoulder - as a signal 'I'm not in the game anymore'. You can see platoons of them in lunch restaurants. Before they go home to their cat.
But men are crazy too - and never forget they are pigs - one of the great plot lines of the made-for-TV chick flick.... The 4 plot lines are Caucasian men are pigs [gays and people of color are OK], the evil witch is stealing my man, the good mommy, and woman in jeopardy. See, for example, the theatrical film 'Stepmom', with Sarandon and Roberts, which features them all.
The war of the sexes rolls on, fueled by hormone poisoning.
They detest men who are pigs and display unwelcome interest in them, by looks [leers?], crude remarks, etc. But they also detest men who are pigs and ignore them and show no interest. Don't they see my inner beauty?
And have you noticed that almost all older women - those over 50 - cut their hair pretty short - above the shoulder - as a signal 'I'm not in the game anymore'. You can see platoons of them in lunch restaurants. Before they go home to their cat.
But men are crazy too - and never forget they are pigs - one of the great plot lines of the made-for-TV chick flick.... The 4 plot lines are Caucasian men are pigs [gays and people of color are OK], the evil witch is stealing my man, the good mommy, and woman in jeopardy. See, for example, the theatrical film 'Stepmom', with Sarandon and Roberts, which features them all.
The war of the sexes rolls on, fueled by hormone poisoning.
7
They don't cut their hair to show they're no longer in the game. They cut it because it's easier to take care of.
9
File this under "I Don't Get It."
2
And because menopause makes it fall out and lok stringy if it is long.
1
It is interesting that the male gaze/sexual attention is what the author seems to say makes one feel sexual/sexy. I can understand wanting to experience what one has never had. However, this is relying on others (male strangers) to validate your sexuality/femininity.
Having men you don't know looking at your breasts instead of your face when conversing, whistling or calling out names as you walk by, making gestures or noises indicating sexual approval are not complimentary. It is reminder that women are not human beings with intelligence and personalities--they are merely bodies of sexual interest.
I am now middle aged and men look me in the eye when I speak to them. I can go to a beach and not care what I look like or who is ogling me. I feel free of the male gaze and it makes me feel safer and more independent.
Having men you don't know looking at your breasts instead of your face when conversing, whistling or calling out names as you walk by, making gestures or noises indicating sexual approval are not complimentary. It is reminder that women are not human beings with intelligence and personalities--they are merely bodies of sexual interest.
I am now middle aged and men look me in the eye when I speak to them. I can go to a beach and not care what I look like or who is ogling me. I feel free of the male gaze and it makes me feel safer and more independent.
19
I can't say I've never been whistled at from a construction site, but it was very rare, a long time ago and from quite a distance. Once, however, when I was in my 30s, I walked with a colleague who was fashion-model attractive. All we did was walk across a park talking, and she got so many looks, whistles and cat-calls that I felt as if I needed to look behind us to see if perhaps somebody was following naked holding a neon sign saying "look at this." She seemed oblivious to it, and I wondered: if this is what it is like now, what will it feel like when it ends?
To the extent that I ever got that kind of attention, it has now ended, both because I'm over 60 and because of an accident I had in my late 40s. I have a leg that is reconstructed in a way that means I sometimes use a cane or crutches. What I dislike: People who can't walk slowly enough to walk with me, people who remark loudly on how well I use crutches, etc. I am grateful, however, that the arrival of crutches was not accompanied by a sudden loss of attention. I would have felt as if I had lost more than I actually did.
To the extent that I ever got that kind of attention, it has now ended, both because I'm over 60 and because of an accident I had in my late 40s. I have a leg that is reconstructed in a way that means I sometimes use a cane or crutches. What I dislike: People who can't walk slowly enough to walk with me, people who remark loudly on how well I use crutches, etc. I am grateful, however, that the arrival of crutches was not accompanied by a sudden loss of attention. I would have felt as if I had lost more than I actually did.
3
Now that I'm 50, I've become invisible to men, but honestly I find it liberating. When I was younger, I often avoided wearing clothes that were too clingy or revealing, because I got tired of being stared at and catcalled. I avoided being too friendly to men for fear they would take it as an opportunity to hit on me. I worked as a temp in offices in the 1980's and sometimes felt like I should wear a burka (this was before laws on sexual harassment existed, and no one thought there was anything wrong with a 50 year old VP asking out a 21 year old temp. Now I wear what I feel like and talk to whoever I feel like. It's nice.
19
There STILL is nothing wrong nor illegal with a 50 year old VP asking out a 21 year old temp, because 21 is WELL WITHIN the age of majority and that person is an ADULT who can make their own decisions about who to date.
I say this as a woman! and what if the 50 year old VP is a woman -- and the 21 year old temp is a young man? Is it still bad, or "illegal"? or is it OK, since she's a "cougar"?
I say this as a woman! and what if the 50 year old VP is a woman -- and the 21 year old temp is a young man? Is it still bad, or "illegal"? or is it OK, since she's a "cougar"?
1
What an interesting point of view. I sympathize with those who experience harassment and even fear for being physically attractive. But I also sympathize with those who feel mostly invisible. It's not obvious which is a worse predicament.
12
I was no beauty, just reasonably cute for someone between the ages of 15 and 30, and my life in NYC was complete hell from daily harassment from catcallers. I learned not to wear showy, tight clothing, and to scout out entire city blocks for construction crews to figure out a way to not pass in front of them during their lunch breaks (prime catcalling time). One time, I got so infuriated that I turned around and swore at my harasser before continuing on my way. I belatedly realized he held a brick in his hand, and I could hear his companion saying, "Don't do it." That was the last time I confronted a strange man on the street for his bad behavior.
18
Very interesting article, though as many other Times pieces, men are reduced to being sexually aggressive caricatures. Men either ignore women who are old or aren't beautiful, or acting like animals towards youth and beauty. I was hoping the author might note this in an otherwise though-provoking essay about her experience. As for me, I enjoy looking at people, generally, but women, particularly, especially the beautiful ones, which make up a large portion of females, and I don't apologize for it. When I see a work of art, I look, whether it's the night sky, fall leaves, paintings in a museum, or a combination of words in a poem. That's the way I'm wired, like most other men (and women!)
11
For goodness' sake, women who report experiencing a lot of street harassment are not talking about men just respectfully looking at them.
3
I appreciate your piece. I am not disabled in any way but I remember having a much younger friend a few years back who was very beautiful and getting hit on and flirted with all the time. I, being much older, felt exactly what you are describing. Why not me? Am I completely unsexed? I missed those flirtations. When I was younger men would smile, whistle or say something. I usually felt complimented. Most of the time it did not feel like harassment. I'll agree that occasionally it did, but most of the time it felt like a small moment of shared enjoyment. I didn't feel demeaned; I felt powerful, pretty, sexy. I still miss it.
15
Sexual attraction and the male gaze, like everything else in life, is a double-edged sword. People who get the male gaze, and lots of it, sometimes humblebrag about it because, as they say, "One can never be too rich nor too thin." At other times, when unwanted or unwelcome, it's highly distressing. It's all highly contextual. But for those who lack it, its absence can be quite unnerving, anxiety-producing and very unfair. Which is like everything else desirable and undesirable in life--money, time, popularity, success, etc. C'est la vie.
50
Thanks for enriching my vocabulary with the term "humblebrag"...perfect descriptor for a phenomenon I have long observed but had no way to describe.
2
There is some hard-wired biology in male or female "attractive", but let's not go there. Long ago, I learned from the French: It's an honor to be watched.
The writer discusses a depressing aspect of being human which a disability only causes her to experience in a different, not better or worse, way. Whether it's nature or nurture or some of both, men--and in a different way, women--see a body for their use first and a human being to relate to second. In most cultures men do this to a greater degree than women. Fantasizing about objectifying and using someone else's body, or actually getting to use it, is more fun and takes less responsibility than dealing with another human being as a subject. Every relationship has to get past this barrier. Sometimes physical attraction is a positive avenue to a deeper relationship. Often, perhaps more often, it's not. Having a disability is just one way of experiencing this sad truth. For every relationship a disability may inhibit, there's a jerk whom you didn't have to deal with.
5
Thanks for the honest and interesting article. I think it illustrates how so much of our lives is not ours to control, such as whether a particular person finds us attractive or not, and the fact that we all consciously or subconsciously appreciate sexual attention to some degree. We were made that way.
I think most societies mentally desexualize disabled people erroneously, men may fear that showing appreciation of a disabled woman's appearance would be seen as perverse and predatory.
I think most societies mentally desexualize disabled people erroneously, men may fear that showing appreciation of a disabled woman's appearance would be seen as perverse and predatory.
24
I have virtually never been sexually harassed, leered at, catcalled, approached in a bar, subjected to unwanted advances, as a straight (now married) woman somewhere in the middle of the attractiveness scale at a normal BMI. No idea why: conveying definite non-interest, dressing for style rather than exposure, treating men as human beings, having an unusually low voice? But I also have never felt "invisible" because of this. I'm troubled by both the article and the comments of many women here, that not attracting wolfish male scrutiny is the equivalent of being unseen and unregarded.
101
I also rarely experienced unwanted attention, even in my 20s. And that's fine by me. Women tell me they feel invisible as they age, but I have never had people fail to see me when I wanted to engage with them. I'm as visible as I want to be.
2
I'm really glad that you haven't had this issue. But I find it frustrating that you are blaming the victims here. I have been harassed while wearing ratty sweats, winter running clothes, work clothes. With my dogs, with my son, while taking out garbage. I am not inviting this attention, nor do I want it.
8
Many of us have experienced the male gaze and the often accompanying remarks as the sole measure of our worth. We are either too much this or too little that (the harsh, cruel, ugly critiques of our face and body). The leering and catcalls are hard for me to associate with anything positive because so often it has been couched in crude, vulgar suggestions about my sexual availability. I have experienced both extremes as have many women I know. I have never dressed for exposure, especially at work. I came to find, when working for a period with adolescent boys that, males will find a reason to objectify women and girls even if we are dressed in a potatoe sack. I don't equate the absence of either as being unseen or unregarded; at 53, I think that I finally get to enjoy interactions with men where I'm not being regarded as someone to be sexually pursued or avoided. I think that the people who complain of feeling invisible are individuals who fall somewhere outside today's beauty ideal, and have not learned to subtle interpersonal skills to compensate. Those skills don't come naturally for many of us and not easy to learn; they take a very thick skin to put into practice because the less attractive person is simply more likely to get shot down. This is true for both men and women. Most of us, if we are honest, know this game and have played no the seen or the unseen, the rejector or the rejected.
4
I've been varying shades of overweight most of my 60 years, and invisible to the male gaze as a result. During the periods when I achieved large scale weight loss I was troubled by some of the reactions from men. One long-time male friend suddenly pursued me as a lover, and it felt so disingenuous. We broke up which ended our friendship. I wonder when he would have lost interest as I grew larger.
There's a lot to unpack here - yes being appreciated as beautiful is a lovely thing, but for some it comes with the cost of sometimes threatening aggression or entitlement.
On the flip side, being unseen when not sexually appealing is disturbing as well. Now I am experiencing the age version as well. Can you see me? Here I am, an actual human soul.
There's a lot to unpack here - yes being appreciated as beautiful is a lovely thing, but for some it comes with the cost of sometimes threatening aggression or entitlement.
On the flip side, being unseen when not sexually appealing is disturbing as well. Now I am experiencing the age version as well. Can you see me? Here I am, an actual human soul.
10
Very interesting piece.
The leering attention and the faux respectfulness online are both forms of objectification. One as a vessel conjured up to receive someone's lust, the other to receive their pity. Both completely disconnected from, and unearned by, the recipient's disembodied self - which is also stripped of all agency in the process.
The invisibility that comes from not (or no longer) having a body that a sufficient number of people want to co-opt as an easy vessel for whatever is a third form of objectification - and is also stripping of agency of the disembodied self.
Question is why do we respond differently to these forms of objectification?
Perhaps our disembodied self usually is a bit of a myth - and a concept only realized when we ourselves reject (or impose a separation of self from) our bodies e.g. due to age or disability. Until then perhaps we also objectify "ourselves". And so are able to claim credit for welcome forms of others' objectification.
ps: i am not trying to invalidate the author's reflection. It is thought provoking - especially on the idea of self separate from our bodies.
The leering attention and the faux respectfulness online are both forms of objectification. One as a vessel conjured up to receive someone's lust, the other to receive their pity. Both completely disconnected from, and unearned by, the recipient's disembodied self - which is also stripped of all agency in the process.
The invisibility that comes from not (or no longer) having a body that a sufficient number of people want to co-opt as an easy vessel for whatever is a third form of objectification - and is also stripping of agency of the disembodied self.
Question is why do we respond differently to these forms of objectification?
Perhaps our disembodied self usually is a bit of a myth - and a concept only realized when we ourselves reject (or impose a separation of self from) our bodies e.g. due to age or disability. Until then perhaps we also objectify "ourselves". And so are able to claim credit for welcome forms of others' objectification.
ps: i am not trying to invalidate the author's reflection. It is thought provoking - especially on the idea of self separate from our bodies.
1
This was a wonderful and honest piece, thank you. I am interested and well-read in feminism, and would call myself a feminist by some definition (there are many by now). But I really don't believe that feminism has done a good job of taking into account the experiences of groups such as the ill, the disabled, and the elderly, for example - basically any group of people for whom the body is not simply an object of the gaze or of desire, or something that can be wiped away as less consequential than social constructions and experiences of gender. Similarly, certain brands of feminism run into a little bit of a roadblock when confronted with transgender issues. Your essay adds to the conversation, and helps to nuance our understanding of what it means to experience being a woman. Very few people want to be scarily/threateningly harassed, I would imagine, but there are quite a few women who enjoy male attention - who seek it. Maybe it's too easy to try to pathologize that. I went through a period of time where I was less bodily attractive than usual (weight gain, anxiety, sleeplessness, not taking care of myself or dressing well), and while I didn't miss certain types of attention, I did miss others. What does it mean when an ideal - feminism - would have us pretend to feel differently than we do, in order to be "correct"? Your viewpoint and experience is important to the discussion.
1
" certain brands of feminism run into a little bit of a roadblock when confronted with transgender issues"
Yes. Because today's transgenderism - the idea that men can literally turn into women just by claiming they are women, and that women can escape being women by turning into pseudo-men - is profoundly regressive and anti-woman. Why would anyone be surprised that anything anti-woman is a "little bit of a roadblock" for radical feminists....
....at least, for what are now termed "radical feminists". Back during 2nd wave feminism, today's so-called radical feminism was just ordinary garden-variety feminism: women's liberation.
Yes. Because today's transgenderism - the idea that men can literally turn into women just by claiming they are women, and that women can escape being women by turning into pseudo-men - is profoundly regressive and anti-woman. Why would anyone be surprised that anything anti-woman is a "little bit of a roadblock" for radical feminists....
....at least, for what are now termed "radical feminists". Back during 2nd wave feminism, today's so-called radical feminism was just ordinary garden-variety feminism: women's liberation.
3
As a feminist, I hate the stance you have taken. You just spoke for the creep around the corner or in the car who prevents me from walking back to my dorm alone. You supported that behavior as acceptable, saying that you want to feel included in rape culture. Why would you not condemn it? You are asking to be disrespected in a different way than what you face, because you already are part of rape culture. I am not even calling you an enabler. You are a part of it because you cannot find someone who genuinely cares for you as a person. You are a victim just as much as any other woman.
Your appearance may prevent perverted men from approaching you, but where are the men who want to know you as a person? What man that catcalls your friends sees you as a person and not a defective toy? Good people do not immediately sexualize women they have never spoken with. You need to reevaluate your thoughts on your position in rape culture, because there is no flattery in being objectified and sexualized.
Your appearance may prevent perverted men from approaching you, but where are the men who want to know you as a person? What man that catcalls your friends sees you as a person and not a defective toy? Good people do not immediately sexualize women they have never spoken with. You need to reevaluate your thoughts on your position in rape culture, because there is no flattery in being objectified and sexualized.
14
It's our knee jerk reaction to be defensive and hurt when someone tells us that they envy our collective suffering as "women," but we should listen with an open heart and mind. The author is not seen as a "woman"; she's simply ignored or invisible because of her disability. She provides insight into (what I think) can be (and likely is) a lonely world for people who are disabled.
3
Wow! I can't believe the NYTimes would even print this. But what a breath of fresh air in today's world. I wish you the best.
5
I think the author is confusing being seen as an autonomous sexual being with being sexual objectified. While I can't tell her how to feel about being catcalled I don't think men feeling entitled to shout comments about your body or about how they want to do "whatever" to you is something that should be celebrated. Just because they sexualize you that doesn't necessarily mean they think your sexuality is yours to express as you please on your own terms.
13
Thank you for sharing your beauty with the world! For speaking your truth and for using your voice as a platform to express your soul with us. You are bravery in its essence by publishing your honesty.
2
I am never harassed. Does that mean I am not beautiful?
Oddly, I have been told I look like a cross between Catherine Zeta Jones and Anne Archer so I am probably at least tolerable in appearance.
When I remark that I never get catcalls or whistles, men whom I know and trust have said to me that I show absolutely no sign of vulnerability when I am in public so an individual who might choose to do that to another person doesn't want to mess with me.
In a society where women are roundly objectified -- is it "better" to be:
Pretty and vulnerable?
Plain and fierce?
Once beautiful but now faded?
Ogling and harassment are never OK - no matter if the impetus is an image that is irresistibly vavavavoom or a mien that is mousy and fragile.
The only right answer is for people to leave other people alone.
Oddly, I have been told I look like a cross between Catherine Zeta Jones and Anne Archer so I am probably at least tolerable in appearance.
When I remark that I never get catcalls or whistles, men whom I know and trust have said to me that I show absolutely no sign of vulnerability when I am in public so an individual who might choose to do that to another person doesn't want to mess with me.
In a society where women are roundly objectified -- is it "better" to be:
Pretty and vulnerable?
Plain and fierce?
Once beautiful but now faded?
Ogling and harassment are never OK - no matter if the impetus is an image that is irresistibly vavavavoom or a mien that is mousy and fragile.
The only right answer is for people to leave other people alone.
9
men are objectified too, or haven't you noticed?
2
With all due respect, lou andrews, what is the point of your remark? This happens a lot on comments sections. A person writes about her or his experience and someone responds then someone retorts that "other people" experience whatever it is. People should be smart enough to know that discussing one experience through one lens doesn't mean that nothing else matters or happens. How Odd!!!! It's like saying "all lives matter" Jeez.
2
Good for her for voicing her true experience tho it contradicts the current politically correct narrative
3
This is not about "politically correct narrative." This is about human experience. It is a shame that you have to deny the experience of so many women that strips them of their humanity.
2
If it makes you feel any better, and don't know if it will, I have all the same problems you have with online dating and I don't have a disability. I get messages, but have trouble keeping interest until a first date and even more trouble getting to second and third dates. Maybe that's just online dating? Maybe I'm not that pretty? But I really have most of the same feelings you do- that society keeps telling me about how men are totally sexy driven- while I myself recieve very little attention. I rarely get hit on in bars or on the street. I am not heavy or anything that I hear is a pitfall, but my life looks nothing like Miss Valentis and it makes me feel like there is something left to be desired about me since I hear other women experience life very differently. As of now, I am dating a guy I met online and he has a chronic illness which causes some disabilities, some of which are visable. I like him at least, and I am glad he likes me.
7
As many here have already commented, thank you so much for this beautiful piece. As an older woman who did not attract that much attention when I was younger, I still became aware of the lack as I aged out and have tried to focus on what I can do as an invisible person. Sometimes this is more.
I would like to gently point out that the umbilical cord you were strangled by belonged to you, not your mother as you stated.
I would like to gently point out that the umbilical cord you were strangled by belonged to you, not your mother as you stated.
6
Robin:
I think your last sentence was strange, unpleasant and unnecessary.
I think your last sentence was strange, unpleasant and unnecessary.
3
We all want attention from the right person, not the wrong one, and from the right one at the right time.
Reading the readers comments, I was struck, as a fashion addict, that fashion was left out.
To a very large degree of fashion/clothing has been invented to set that level at the one the individual is happy with.
Ranging from the Kardashians to Burkini wearers.
Reading the readers comments, I was struck, as a fashion addict, that fashion was left out.
To a very large degree of fashion/clothing has been invented to set that level at the one the individual is happy with.
Ranging from the Kardashians to Burkini wearers.
5
Just what is the "Right person" and the "Wrong person"? I think you're cutting a fine line here. An ugly looking guy looking at a women is a No-No, but a look from a hunk is just fine? You want your cake and eat it too. Reality/real life doesn't work that way.
2
Nice piece. I'm 56 and I think I know about the world but this woman's experience has never crossed my mind.
Women have it rough in the sexual realm. Wouldn't want to be in your place--too much attention, too little, too much of the wrong kind. What a pain. Most of you all would be much better off married, at least if the man is at all acceptable.
Our experience is different. When I was young I'd make advances, get rejected most of the time but sometimes not. Getting rejected didn't cut deep, just move on to the next one, sometimes within a couple minutes. Keep up the work and the odds turn in your favor.
I just seems easier to be male.
Women have it rough in the sexual realm. Wouldn't want to be in your place--too much attention, too little, too much of the wrong kind. What a pain. Most of you all would be much better off married, at least if the man is at all acceptable.
Our experience is different. When I was young I'd make advances, get rejected most of the time but sometimes not. Getting rejected didn't cut deep, just move on to the next one, sometimes within a couple minutes. Keep up the work and the odds turn in your favor.
I just seems easier to be male.
4
Yes, it is easier to be male.
Please don't suggest that a woman is better off being married. Marriage is just another category of hell, where a woman becomes the property of one man instead of the property of every man on the street.
The issue is recognition of women's humanity, and having a cultural understanding that women are not the property of any man.
Please don't suggest that a woman is better off being married. Marriage is just another category of hell, where a woman becomes the property of one man instead of the property of every man on the street.
The issue is recognition of women's humanity, and having a cultural understanding that women are not the property of any man.
4
I feel for you. For those commenters who don't appear to get it, try this test I did by accident one day. I had visited the dentist who had applied a little too much numbing while drilling a cavity. Then I went to the mall. One side of my mouth hung down, I was drooling a bit, and my speech was slurred as that side of my mouth wasn't working properly. The random people around me treated me completely differently. Staring, a reluctance to engage in conversation. When I had to talk to people to buy things or whatever they all treated my like some kind of freak or mentally slow. Only after slurring out "dentist" a few times while pointing at my droopy side until they got it served as the catalyst to get them to treat me like a normal person.
Sexist treatment is annoying, situational, and temporary. Having people treat you more like a thing than they do to even a dog much less a person seems much worse to me.
Sexist treatment is annoying, situational, and temporary. Having people treat you more like a thing than they do to even a dog much less a person seems much worse to me.
10
Thank you for writing this piece. It reminds me that I need to do some work in this area.
I find that sometimes, in an effort not to make people with disabilities feel uncomfortable, I simply choose to not see them at all. I admit, a big part of this is my discomfort. I know it's wrong.
Recently at a concert before a big sports match, I sat in the front row and struck up a conversation with a family that included a grown child with CP. He was in a motorized wheelchair and had some speech difficulties, but could express himself very clearly. My first impulse was to ask his father, on my immediate left, any question I really wanted to address to the son, but I stopped and instead addressed it directly to the son.
After a few minutes my discomfort had entirely evaporated and our conversation had settled into a very fun and interesting cadence. His odd mannerisms faded into the background and I found myself listening to him intently, thinking about what he said--really, just a normal conversation with an interesting person. I also saw him as a handsome young man.
I'm not always good at this, but in my experience when I engage a person's mind, the rest really doesn't much matter. I've found this true in all my romantic encounters too, where so-so looking women become stunning if they have sharp and keen minds, and women who would usually be considered gorgeous become pretty dull in my eyes if they don't have much going on upstairs.
I find that sometimes, in an effort not to make people with disabilities feel uncomfortable, I simply choose to not see them at all. I admit, a big part of this is my discomfort. I know it's wrong.
Recently at a concert before a big sports match, I sat in the front row and struck up a conversation with a family that included a grown child with CP. He was in a motorized wheelchair and had some speech difficulties, but could express himself very clearly. My first impulse was to ask his father, on my immediate left, any question I really wanted to address to the son, but I stopped and instead addressed it directly to the son.
After a few minutes my discomfort had entirely evaporated and our conversation had settled into a very fun and interesting cadence. His odd mannerisms faded into the background and I found myself listening to him intently, thinking about what he said--really, just a normal conversation with an interesting person. I also saw him as a handsome young man.
I'm not always good at this, but in my experience when I engage a person's mind, the rest really doesn't much matter. I've found this true in all my romantic encounters too, where so-so looking women become stunning if they have sharp and keen minds, and women who would usually be considered gorgeous become pretty dull in my eyes if they don't have much going on upstairs.
9
Mental note to self: hit on disabled women.
10
Just to make them feel better, because you feel sorry for them? I hope that's not what you mean. That would be a degrading and crushing experience for the woman once she figures out you don't really mean it.
3
This article could have been written by #YesAllMen.
Men go through life not being noticed, not being seen, not being approached. No one tells a man he is hot. For men the world is a place where you are ignored, expected to take interpersonal initiative, continually rejected and called a creep when you do, and receive zero (or negative) empathy when you name your experience. (Much like the on-line rejection described in this article when the author revealed her cerebral palsy.)
In fact, the only times I have ever witnessed women go out of their way to engage with an unknown man, he has been in a wheelchair. Men in wheelchairs have more than once told me with wonder that their wheelchairs are "chick magnets."
I wish you luck and all the best in your search for love and companionship, Ms. Bartlett. You are a great writer. May you find a great reader.
For the rest of you ladies, just remember that Ms. Bartlett's experience is that of #YesAllMen.
Men go through life not being noticed, not being seen, not being approached. No one tells a man he is hot. For men the world is a place where you are ignored, expected to take interpersonal initiative, continually rejected and called a creep when you do, and receive zero (or negative) empathy when you name your experience. (Much like the on-line rejection described in this article when the author revealed her cerebral palsy.)
In fact, the only times I have ever witnessed women go out of their way to engage with an unknown man, he has been in a wheelchair. Men in wheelchairs have more than once told me with wonder that their wheelchairs are "chick magnets."
I wish you luck and all the best in your search for love and companionship, Ms. Bartlett. You are a great writer. May you find a great reader.
For the rest of you ladies, just remember that Ms. Bartlett's experience is that of #YesAllMen.
16
I'm a guy and this hasn't been my experience. I've had women flirt with me, ask me out, come over and strike up conversations, etc.
And I'm no movie star in the looks department, just your average guy.
And I'm no movie star in the looks department, just your average guy.
3
@Frank- what you're saying absolutely not true, with regards men not being looked at, groped, and having commnets made about their physical appearance. I can attest to that. Been gawked at, groped, whistled at, and physically attacked by women over the years (especially during my 20's and 30's). But, it's way way worse for women. Women do the same but much less often and aren't saints.
3
"Men go through life not being noticed, not being seen, not being approached."
All men? Really?
I wish you would acknowledge that while this may be your personal experience (which is of course perfectly legitimate for your to talk about), it is not a curse laid upon all men by all women.
All men? Really?
I wish you would acknowledge that while this may be your personal experience (which is of course perfectly legitimate for your to talk about), it is not a curse laid upon all men by all women.
1
I can respect what you're saying, but I think you don't fully understand what it's like to be catcalled (and I get that you feel excluded because of that, since it's kind of (frustratingly) part of the "collective female experience"). But there is *nothing* empowering about it. It's offensive and predatory. It's men objectifying you, thinking they have a right to comment on your body/appearance. Men who catcall do not respect women.
I don't get catcalled a ton. But whenever it has happened, I've never liked it. I've never wanted the attention. I don't want creepy strangers leering at me. It's not as great as you presume it to be. Catcalling is generally considered "unwanted male attention." I don't know why anyone would want that kind of attention, and if you experienced it more regularly, you'd probably change your mind pretty quickly.
Of course, as an able-bodied woman, I'm never going to understand what it feels like to have people stare and talk about me in third person. But I think they're probably equally bad. You say that what you experience is more damaging, and many able-bodied women who get catcalled might say the opposite. Neither "side" should discount what the other goes through, is all I'm saying. I don't envy or attempt to lessen the gravity of the unwanted reactions you get from men (staring, apprehension), so just don't envy the unwanted reactions I get (lewd comments, etc.). Catcalling / unwanted attention should never be glorified.
I don't get catcalled a ton. But whenever it has happened, I've never liked it. I've never wanted the attention. I don't want creepy strangers leering at me. It's not as great as you presume it to be. Catcalling is generally considered "unwanted male attention." I don't know why anyone would want that kind of attention, and if you experienced it more regularly, you'd probably change your mind pretty quickly.
Of course, as an able-bodied woman, I'm never going to understand what it feels like to have people stare and talk about me in third person. But I think they're probably equally bad. You say that what you experience is more damaging, and many able-bodied women who get catcalled might say the opposite. Neither "side" should discount what the other goes through, is all I'm saying. I don't envy or attempt to lessen the gravity of the unwanted reactions you get from men (staring, apprehension), so just don't envy the unwanted reactions I get (lewd comments, etc.). Catcalling / unwanted attention should never be glorified.
15
As to the author, she makes you want to be a better person.
As to Jessica Valenti, call me cynical. Sexual harassment can happen to anyone. But, I have to wonder about someone who claims to have a life filled with it. I is either untrue or she is doing something that is drawing it to her. I am not blaming the victim and it is not because I'm a man. I have to wonder if someone smiled and said hi, would that count? Many if not most women and some men get harassed and some horribly so without doing anything to deserve it. There's no doubt about that. But someone who says it constantly or regularly happens to them? I just find that hard to believe no matter how good looking they are. I know attractive women it rarely happens to. I just asked two attractive women I know after reading this article, how often it happens to them and they both struggled to think of examples - they had either to name friends who they occasionally find too affectionate or crude, or mild incidents from long ago. Anyone can get in a fist fight without deserving it too - but would you believe someone was in 50 or 100 fights and did not ask for it? I wouldn't.
As to Jessica Valenti, call me cynical. Sexual harassment can happen to anyone. But, I have to wonder about someone who claims to have a life filled with it. I is either untrue or she is doing something that is drawing it to her. I am not blaming the victim and it is not because I'm a man. I have to wonder if someone smiled and said hi, would that count? Many if not most women and some men get harassed and some horribly so without doing anything to deserve it. There's no doubt about that. But someone who says it constantly or regularly happens to them? I just find that hard to believe no matter how good looking they are. I know attractive women it rarely happens to. I just asked two attractive women I know after reading this article, how often it happens to them and they both struggled to think of examples - they had either to name friends who they occasionally find too affectionate or crude, or mild incidents from long ago. Anyone can get in a fist fight without deserving it too - but would you believe someone was in 50 or 100 fights and did not ask for it? I wouldn't.
67
I understand why it seems unreal but if you live in NYC it does happen everyday multiple times a day in many NYC neighborhoods, as crazy as that sounds. I am no beauty but it happened to me everyday I walked down the street for years. Not just looking but men trying to touch you and succeeding far too often. Not so much so in Seattle now but still happens a bit.
8
Sorry. You don't believe it because you don't experience because you are a man. I don't understand why guys have such trouble believing women get harassed a lot. Remember YesAllWomen? Just because you have not experienced or harassed somebody does not mean it doesn't happen. A lot.
8
Wow. I get harassed when I take out my garbage, while wearing sweatpants, no make up and my hair in a ratty bun. I get cat called when I go for runs wearing running tights, a hat, and a jacket. I get harassed while walking my dogs and my 5 year old child while wearing slacks and a blouse. What am I doing to bring this on? Do you think I am lying? And no I am not talking about a smile and hi. I'm talking about people calling "hey! You are hot!" or whistling at me. Or in one memorable case throwing snowballs at me.
6
Loved your piece. It does bring up, though, some feminist "talking points" that are assumed to be true of late, but, if thought of in a longer context, are strange exaggerations. Until about 1970 the phrase "the male gaze" didn't exist, yet all but the obnoxious, impolite "versions" of this so-called gaze were not only tolerated, but enjoyed by many women. It is natural for men to look at good-looking women, and it is natural for women to get some of their sense of self-worth from those looks. Rudeness, gross sexual comments, come-ons, noises, and other forms of abuse are intolerable. Always were. Looking, smiling, saying something polite in a complimentary way: that used to be considered among the nice parts of being a citizen in a largely heterosexual urban society. NYC may have more loud, rude people on the streets than some cities. But I do know, living in a smaller city, that most men have learned that it's not OK to even look at women, even the stunningly beautiful. I've seen women dressed in remarkably scanty outfits receive not even a glance from males passers-by. And I also can't help but notice that men and women don't exchange the small smiles and glances they once did. It makes one feel invisible to not be looked at, except by store-clerks and street-corner sales-people. I also notice that no one looks up from their devices much at all in recent years. We're lost to ourselves. It's too chancy to look upon our fellow human. Without our gazes, we are diminished.
7
While this was a thoughtful and well stated article, I have a problem with it's focus on men being the "beasts" in society. As a man, in my younger days I experienced all of the so-called negative sexual attraction from women. I have been groped, slapped and pinched. I have on more than one occasion had a woman walking by me pull up her shirt and flash her chest at me, or even more. I have been followed into public restrooms by women. And I have had crude advances made upon me.
I am not trying to belittle the issue that women face from men. I only wish to state that the behavior occurs with both sexes.
I am not trying to belittle the issue that women face from men. I only wish to state that the behavior occurs with both sexes.
3
Many comments coming from women make it seem that only men sexually harass or grope women, this far from the truth for women also sexually harass, grope or intensely stare at men. I've been groped and sexually harassed many times in my life by women, especially in my 20's and 30's. From very suggestive comments, to actually being attacked while in bed sleeping by a very desperate woman who sneaked into my bedroom. Men are defintely the worst but please, don't make it sound like women are angels, far from it. BTW, what's so wrong with a man or woman for that matter, to appreciate beauty with an intensely long look? Women want to be looked at but then complain when men do so.
3
I heard recently from a woman I longed for back in high school, a real beauty I never had the guts to approach back then. She was calling to compare notes on what we had done with our lives and told me in passing that she had thought about me a few times over the years and was sorry we never got together. Our conversation then went on to some sad stuff I'm not going to tell you about. Regardless of whether we think of ourselves as smart, dumb, beautiful, ugly, fat, thin, funny or boring, none of us ever fully know how we look and come across to other people.
7
as a woman confined to a wheelchair since my breech birth in the early 50's AND a NYC resident, I've known for decades that those of us with visible disabilities are immediately de-socialized and de-sexualized right from the start. in a world of minorities, mine is one that ANYONE can join in the blink of an eye. when people meet you, even if there is an attraction, there's also a fear factor triggered. an able-bodied man might think I'm interesting, intelligent and sexy, but wonders how he could be perceived by the world at large by being with someone physically disabled. I mean, what's wrong with him - can't he get a "real" woman?
invisibility on the worlds gender "hot meter" has been a source of both pain and anger throughout my life. attraction felt towards me is often overshadowed by curiosity about what I can or cannot do sexually - a subject only mentioned by the most adventurous or the most intoxicated. even if I do meet someone, I have to constantly wonder if this person is genuinely interested in me or do they have a creepy fetish for cripples, so I can't imagine trying to find people via Tinder or Match where you can advertise yourself as anything and rejection is so freely given.
I may be disabled, alone and without dates, but the reality is that even able-bodied women have a hard time finding quality dates too. hey, even Angie couldn't keep Brad!
invisibility on the worlds gender "hot meter" has been a source of both pain and anger throughout my life. attraction felt towards me is often overshadowed by curiosity about what I can or cannot do sexually - a subject only mentioned by the most adventurous or the most intoxicated. even if I do meet someone, I have to constantly wonder if this person is genuinely interested in me or do they have a creepy fetish for cripples, so I can't imagine trying to find people via Tinder or Match where you can advertise yourself as anything and rejection is so freely given.
I may be disabled, alone and without dates, but the reality is that even able-bodied women have a hard time finding quality dates too. hey, even Angie couldn't keep Brad!
76
Maybe it was Brad who couldn't keep Angie.
2
She's the one who filed for divorce.
1
It's a wonder people get together. Men have to pursue, leading some to use boorishly aggressive tactics. Women tend to value themselves on ability to attract - leading to suffering boorish male attention. Online dating, like many online interactions showcases the worst of these behaviors.
4
Thank you for sharing your story. As a person with a disability (who works with people with disabilities), navigating sex and attraction sometimes feels as if we exist on a different planet than the rest of the population. What I have found most upsetting, are my encounters with disabled women who stay with/marry men who are absolutely beneath them, and often unkind. The rationale I often hear is: who else would love me? or it's better than living my life alone or no one else ever wanted me. It's enough to make me want to cry.
2
This is a brave article. I hate to sound so trite as I write that but I can't think of another way to put it.
What you're feeling now is what most women over 50 know very well....being invisible on the street. Men my age -- or a few years older -- don't look at women their own age...they're simply not interested. On my better days, I laugh it off but on my downer days, I think about it more.....that is, when does a person become not worth looking at anymore?
What you're feeling now is what most women over 50 know very well....being invisible on the street. Men my age -- or a few years older -- don't look at women their own age...they're simply not interested. On my better days, I laugh it off but on my downer days, I think about it more.....that is, when does a person become not worth looking at anymore?
4
Men in their fifties and sixties want younger women because men in those age groups are afraid of getting old. I've noticed that generally men over 70 (except for Trump and other wealthy pigs who can only see women as trophies) give up on the Peter Pan fantasy, get bored with the stupid younger women who would exploit them for their money or their status, and look to the invisible women for loving, mutually supportive relationships.
2
I've got to thank the women who commented about age and the male gaze. I hope the Times prints an article about that. My apology for not replying directly to the beautiful article.
4
I have a profoundly disabled son. People also don't see him, or us as parents of him. We hear frequently things like, "God only gives you what you can handle," "I admire you," "I could never do what you do," "Your son is a blessing." I've always thought it was a way of them protecting themselves from the sometimes sad things that can happen in life. It distances them from me, and means that it can't happen to them. Once you open yourselves up to the possibility, you can meet amazing people and learn amazing things. But opening yourself up is hard, and challenges ingrained prejudices. Anyhow, all that being said, this was a beautiful article, and thanks for writing it.
84
All this talk of women feeling so overwhelmed by the unwanted attention, the "leering" of men in their little liberated lives where they continue otherwise with the female look, the makeup, the expectations of special treatment, etc.. I am by no means a proponent of violent Islam, but it sure makes a lot of sense sometimes the way they treat sex and differentiate men and women: women do not tempt men by showing their figure or otherwise advertise their female attractiveness to men. They seem to have learned a long time ago, as we actually did here in the West (we just became "liberated somewhere along the line) that men have a built in drive that makes them seek women and when it is frustrated, more aggressive or otherwise "antisocial" behavior is vented. Sorry about that. Veils anyone?
Nope, no veils. It's time people that supposedly have no control and tell themselves that it's biology and they can't help it to be limited in their freedom. The days of women having to be punished because men have shortcomings is hopefully coming to an end.
Also, in response to this and other posts, most women do not walk around in skimpy clothing. If that's all you're seeing, it's YOU.
Also, in response to this and other posts, most women do not walk around in skimpy clothing. If that's all you're seeing, it's YOU.
12
"Special treatment"? What would that be?
2
"men have a built in drive that makes them seek women and when it is frustrated, more aggressive or otherwise "antisocial" behavior is vented"
That's very interesting. You are saying that men should not be expected to control themselves... indeed they are biologically incapable of it. They are animals who automatically become aggressive if their drives are frustrated.
I'm certain you'd be enraged if a feminist made a similar comment.
Your argument indicates that men are a danger to human society and they should be under curfew so that women can safely venture onto the streets.
(Oh wait, maybe you think that women are women, not humans.)
That's very interesting. You are saying that men should not be expected to control themselves... indeed they are biologically incapable of it. They are animals who automatically become aggressive if their drives are frustrated.
I'm certain you'd be enraged if a feminist made a similar comment.
Your argument indicates that men are a danger to human society and they should be under curfew so that women can safely venture onto the streets.
(Oh wait, maybe you think that women are women, not humans.)
5
Beautiful piece. Straight from the heart. As a disabled person, I immediately related to the author's "invisibleness" in society. The cat calls she sought were metaphors for acceptance with her disability. It's a world in which she doesn't live, but would like to. If you aren't disabled and hence invisible in society, you'd likely miss the essence of the piece. Ask yourself when was the last time you asked a person w MS , CP, or wheelchair bound over for dinner to learn more about their perspective before forming opinions over touchy topics like those presented here. There's no citicizing the author for her feelings.
55
Yes, a metaphor for acceptance. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but that is exactly it.
What a beautiful essay! Thank you, Ms. Bartlett, for writing it and thank you, New York Times, for publishing it. In a couple of years, I probably won't remember any of the other articles or news stories I read today, but I will remember this.
3
I'm somewhat torn about this. On the one hand, I'm glad the NYTimes is featuring a piece written by someone with cerebral palsy and allowing their voice to be heard. On the other hand, it's incredibly sad and infuriating that some women *want* to be the target of inappropriate sexual comments, thinking that this somehow validates their sexuality. The author of this op-ed piece feels the need to let us know that she has "always been beautiful and a nice dresser," as if that makes her worthy of lewd comments from creepy men. Several commentators have written that they used to get harassed when they were younger, but now that they have grey hair, they miss the "attention."
Stop. Just Stop. You are enabling sexual harassment and simply giving men more excuses to act inappropriately and, potentially, do real harm to other women.
Stop. Just Stop. You are enabling sexual harassment and simply giving men more excuses to act inappropriately and, potentially, do real harm to other women.
7
There are many ways to be "The Invisible Man" or woman.
Sometimes it's a good thing.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's a good thing.
Sometimes it's not.
6
I don't think it's right that men don't look at her because she has cerebral palsy. She shouldn't be seen as anything less than a woman. This article shows that men only look at women if they are attractive. They like to look at women if they are appealing to the eye.
4
How discerning of you, Forum.
13
Socrates, I am usually a big fan of your comments, but in this case I am not. How does it add to to the conversation around Ms. Bartlett's article to scold or mock the original commenter here for contributing her takeaway? I wish you would reconsider.
3
Some years ago when I was in my 30s, as a stranger in a new town, I used a personals service to try to meet a romantic partner. For some weeks I posted an honest and elaborate description of myself as a person--what mattered to me, my interests, what I was seeking etc...But I did not post a picture or give any info about my physical traits. For a few weeks there were up to 20 new women expressing interest in connecting with me each day. Having made some connections, I stopped using the service.
About a year later I finished the experiment. Still single, I used the exact same profile, only this time I added that 1) I was bald and 2) that my height was 5'7". The response was incredibly revealing: only a handful of women responded to my profile over the course of a month.
This example is hardly as stark as the one shared by the author, but it further highlights our collective superficialities, how we're all just good ol' mammals. I do think more and more of us are rising above it though...partly because we re-construct 'attractiveness' all the time. I used to regularly be the brunt of 'bald' jokes, on all inappropriate occasions, in all inappropriate contexts, and even of aggressive comments from xxxholes in passing cars. Nowadays 'bald' is somehow attractive. Go figure.
About a year later I finished the experiment. Still single, I used the exact same profile, only this time I added that 1) I was bald and 2) that my height was 5'7". The response was incredibly revealing: only a handful of women responded to my profile over the course of a month.
This example is hardly as stark as the one shared by the author, but it further highlights our collective superficialities, how we're all just good ol' mammals. I do think more and more of us are rising above it though...partly because we re-construct 'attractiveness' all the time. I used to regularly be the brunt of 'bald' jokes, on all inappropriate occasions, in all inappropriate contexts, and even of aggressive comments from xxxholes in passing cars. Nowadays 'bald' is somehow attractive. Go figure.
11
Men are shallow, sex-obsessed, self centered creeps. You're not missing anything. Their fast getaways on OK cupid are typical of the gender.
OK, seriously now: I do feel for you, you want to know what you're missing.
It is a mixed blessing to be a sexually attractive female. However, here's an idea
that might help: men are hard wired to be drawn to young sexy things. They can't help it. It's primitive biology and it ain't gonna change. And beautiful women, one of which I once was, harassed every day for 35 years, if they live long enough, get old and then experience what you are going through. It's hard to have had the attention for so long and to lose it. But there is more to life than sex.
OK, seriously now: I do feel for you, you want to know what you're missing.
It is a mixed blessing to be a sexually attractive female. However, here's an idea
that might help: men are hard wired to be drawn to young sexy things. They can't help it. It's primitive biology and it ain't gonna change. And beautiful women, one of which I once was, harassed every day for 35 years, if they live long enough, get old and then experience what you are going through. It's hard to have had the attention for so long and to lose it. But there is more to life than sex.
19
As a plain woman, now in my 50's, I understand the writer's perspective on feeling invisible. In my case, I had an illness at birth that made me highly sensitive; I am unable to tolerate the fabrics in most dress clothes, and in yoga clothing, too. I have had to just find my way as a plain person.
I do think it's hard on plain and disabled women in our culture. As a plain person, I was called endless names at a college in my state, and not just by the young men. At the same time, I was heavily criticized by older women who told me I needed to focus on getting married. Bizarre and funny.
I have been relieved to get older. Some women grieve over losing their looks; well, I got over that hurdle years ago.
Someone recently told me I look quite young, and a young man said I have a beautiful voice. And my daughter said she has an eccentric looking but smart and successful mom. It takes awhile, but beauty is not the only game in town.
I do think it's hard on plain and disabled women in our culture. As a plain person, I was called endless names at a college in my state, and not just by the young men. At the same time, I was heavily criticized by older women who told me I needed to focus on getting married. Bizarre and funny.
I have been relieved to get older. Some women grieve over losing their looks; well, I got over that hurdle years ago.
Someone recently told me I look quite young, and a young man said I have a beautiful voice. And my daughter said she has an eccentric looking but smart and successful mom. It takes awhile, but beauty is not the only game in town.
5
Regarding the comments from women about becoming invisible as they age, I have heard that from my wife and from other women, particularly at our gym. I am 56 now, and frankly, as I age, more and more women become attractive to me - not just the ones that are say in the 20-40 age bracket.
This has nothing to do with disabilities, I realize, but I just want to point out that, at least for some guys, that's how we see it. And I mean it in a normal, non-creepy way.
This has nothing to do with disabilities, I realize, but I just want to point out that, at least for some guys, that's how we see it. And I mean it in a normal, non-creepy way.
18
I think they're saying that young men don't look at them anymore, and the older men who do are invisible to them. Goose and gander.
1
jeoffrey, if by older men you are referring to men who are a good 25-30 years older, then yes, you may have a point. A woman in her 50s is considered a catch for a guy in his 80s.
4
@jeoffrey: No, they're not.
Ms. Bartlett,
You sound like a lovely young women, but what you forward in this piece is pretty insidious.
There are so many cases of rape and sexual assault where perpetrators and their male simpaticos automatically assume that the victim really deep down really wanted that to happen to them, probably enjoyed it, and is just crying about it now to protect her reputation or get back at men or whatever. These are the same guys yelling from construction sites and laughing about how the reactions they get evidence some kind of mutual attraction. In a lot of these idiots resorting to cat-calling and harassing women lives a little voice telling them "Yeah, those girls love it." , "If they didn't want these kinds of reactions they wouldn't dress like that." even "Ooooh... You could tell that one was into me." These attitude disgusting, it's wrong, it's incredibly harmful, but it is unfortunately widespread.
Whether intentionally or not, you are justifying and supporting that attitude. You are telling any of those guys reading this article (if they read that is) that yep, they got it wright. This is what women want and the only one's that are upset about what you're doing are the ones that you pass over.
You sound like a lovely young women, but what you forward in this piece is pretty insidious.
There are so many cases of rape and sexual assault where perpetrators and their male simpaticos automatically assume that the victim really deep down really wanted that to happen to them, probably enjoyed it, and is just crying about it now to protect her reputation or get back at men or whatever. These are the same guys yelling from construction sites and laughing about how the reactions they get evidence some kind of mutual attraction. In a lot of these idiots resorting to cat-calling and harassing women lives a little voice telling them "Yeah, those girls love it." , "If they didn't want these kinds of reactions they wouldn't dress like that." even "Ooooh... You could tell that one was into me." These attitude disgusting, it's wrong, it's incredibly harmful, but it is unfortunately widespread.
Whether intentionally or not, you are justifying and supporting that attitude. You are telling any of those guys reading this article (if they read that is) that yep, they got it wright. This is what women want and the only one's that are upset about what you're doing are the ones that you pass over.
45
In reading this essay I was only able to conclude that the empowerment the author believes would be hers through sexual harassment, would be empowering only because of the ability to choose the abuse she received in public. I would prefer that differently abled women, and typically abled women, were equally respected and recognized in public and private for their humanness, and its accompanying intrinsic value, and that all women could leave their homes without becoming objects for the entertainment of, and abuse by, men.
24
Clickbait, and if jennifer came up with that title I'm not sure she even knows what the male gaze is.
"I would still rather have a man make an inappropriate sexual comment...the former feels "normal"
Then she claims this has happened to her once in her life, so how would she know if that feels normal? one incident asking about her "panties" does not give her the authority to write on the subject of street harassment. (also there's more to "the male gaze" than street harassment.) She claims that she hasn't been the recipient of it--therefore her perspective on whether its welcome or not is lacking credibility.
There's an after-school special young adult tone to this whole series--look at what we can learn from disabled people!
Jennifer, try listening to women who actually experience street harassment--it does impact their lives, and it seems you lack the ability to empathize with anyone who does not share your particular affliction.
"I would still rather have a man make an inappropriate sexual comment...the former feels "normal"
Then she claims this has happened to her once in her life, so how would she know if that feels normal? one incident asking about her "panties" does not give her the authority to write on the subject of street harassment. (also there's more to "the male gaze" than street harassment.) She claims that she hasn't been the recipient of it--therefore her perspective on whether its welcome or not is lacking credibility.
There's an after-school special young adult tone to this whole series--look at what we can learn from disabled people!
Jennifer, try listening to women who actually experience street harassment--it does impact their lives, and it seems you lack the ability to empathize with anyone who does not share your particular affliction.
5
Just proves once again how superficial men are.
4
Absolutely. We're the same as every other animal on the planet. Organisms are naturally attracted to bigger, stronger, and faster. Good luck trying to undo millennia of natural instinct.
3
Go on any dating site and you'll find plenty of women that are superficial too.
I would argue it's hard to find many that are not.
Or to put another way, the people that aren't primarily drawn to a partner for looks, at first at least, are a distinct minority.
I would argue it's hard to find many that are not.
Or to put another way, the people that aren't primarily drawn to a partner for looks, at first at least, are a distinct minority.
3
well, your sample is skewed.
1
I think this article is very thorough in helping to explain how society treats people with disabilities in public. I do understand how hard it can be sometimes when no one "looks" at you, but I feel like it helps in self confidence. It teaches you that you shouldn't need other people's approval to be self confident and proud of yourself.
5
"The latter makes me feel invisible and is meant for that purpose." - referring to someone expressing surprise over the fact that the author has a career.
Really? You think that most people have such nefarious intentions? I'd say it is much more likely that this is rooted in awkwardness. For example, if I didn't know the extent of your disability, I wouldn't want to offend you by making assumptions that you could do things that you couldn't. So, during the process of discovering that you were as functional as I was, I would have no clue what an appropriate response was. I would want to acknowledge that hey, that rocks! She has so many more obstacles than I do and I respect that she has overcome them and made a career despite being disabled. That deserves a nod to personal strength, in my opinion.
But I have never met anyone (ever) who is disabled whom I intentionally set out to make invisible. I also have never spoken with a person who feels that way. Maybe I just have nice friends, but couldn't it be possible that people are just clueless?
P.S., as a woman, people express surprise that I have a career all the time.
Really? You think that most people have such nefarious intentions? I'd say it is much more likely that this is rooted in awkwardness. For example, if I didn't know the extent of your disability, I wouldn't want to offend you by making assumptions that you could do things that you couldn't. So, during the process of discovering that you were as functional as I was, I would have no clue what an appropriate response was. I would want to acknowledge that hey, that rocks! She has so many more obstacles than I do and I respect that she has overcome them and made a career despite being disabled. That deserves a nod to personal strength, in my opinion.
But I have never met anyone (ever) who is disabled whom I intentionally set out to make invisible. I also have never spoken with a person who feels that way. Maybe I just have nice friends, but couldn't it be possible that people are just clueless?
P.S., as a woman, people express surprise that I have a career all the time.
12
Sexual attraction is under discussion--we beings are duly attracted by profoundly shallow criteria.
Themed with sexuality, CP etal are "non discussable," and therefore I praise the Grey Lady (NYT) opinion page editors.
THE NAKED APE, fun & popular social science, was a best seller in the relatively liberating culture of the 1960s.
The author interestingly explains refreshing takes on evolution theory.
There's been a few more non fiction best-sellers (ninety-nine percent unread by moi) during the past 60 years, but please skim THE NAKED APE, and perhaps Desmond Morris' Wikipedia write-up, which I hereby plan to do, to try to better understand who we really are.
I perceive that you've read some important books, and are personally knowledgeable & skilled to write some too.
Themed with sexuality, CP etal are "non discussable," and therefore I praise the Grey Lady (NYT) opinion page editors.
THE NAKED APE, fun & popular social science, was a best seller in the relatively liberating culture of the 1960s.
The author interestingly explains refreshing takes on evolution theory.
There's been a few more non fiction best-sellers (ninety-nine percent unread by moi) during the past 60 years, but please skim THE NAKED APE, and perhaps Desmond Morris' Wikipedia write-up, which I hereby plan to do, to try to better understand who we really are.
I perceive that you've read some important books, and are personally knowledgeable & skilled to write some too.
1
I completely and utterly understand what the writer is saying, and she does say it really well, and with such honesty. She is not at all saying that she wants to be harassed or sought out by the "wrong" guy, she is simply saying she wants to be included in society with all the good and the bad. This subject would make a great talk on college campuses -- I hope you will consider speaking to young people, they would benefit so much and hopefully fill a void where my generation never could.
13
I'm disturbed by this piece and some of the women who commented here. We have further to go than I ever imagined.
The idea that this piece exists and there are women chiming in with empathy is nauseating. It feeds the idea that women are nothing but their breasts and their legs and their vagina.
I just don't know what to say other than I am deeply disturbed perhaps not at the author who lives in a world in which she has very little control, but more so the New York Times for perpetuating this pernicious insidious infection in our society that so demeans and trivializes women.
The idea that this piece exists and there are women chiming in with empathy is nauseating. It feeds the idea that women are nothing but their breasts and their legs and their vagina.
I just don't know what to say other than I am deeply disturbed perhaps not at the author who lives in a world in which she has very little control, but more so the New York Times for perpetuating this pernicious insidious infection in our society that so demeans and trivializes women.
11
Odds are this is being moderated by a male "news assistant" intern. The comments that are approved vs. the comments that are not approved make that pretty clear.
3
Seriously? Calm down! All she is saying is that she would like to be noticed and to feel attractive. Normal, natural feelings. Men can feel exactly the same. Do you think guys with cerebral palsy get a lot of admiring looks from women? That they don't probably find it harder to get dates? That they might not be lonely? This would be a common issue for many people of both sexes with disabilities or disfigurements. Just because the writer is a woman doesn't make this a story about sexism.
2
Right! Only some women's experience counts!
The article has many levels, but there is a standout; in the nature of things women do like men in spite of the stupidity of many men and what seems to be a campaign to denigrate men or sexuality for that matter. Thank you for that truth.
8
I don't think anyone is denigrating men or their sexuality, unless you think all men are gender bullies, rapists and sexual harassers. I suppose you think that sort of man is a "real man."
2
Wow...great article....where do I begin here...
Maybe with the old adage don't ask for what you want you may get it....
Either extreme here is no good. Construction men making lewd comments or worse is dehumanizing but the opposite is bad too and is happening here in hipster Greenpoint/Williamsburg. I see young hipster men alone or with male friends that do not blink an eye when an attractive young woman goes by, like they have been neutered or something.
There must be a happy medium...
Maybe with the old adage don't ask for what you want you may get it....
Either extreme here is no good. Construction men making lewd comments or worse is dehumanizing but the opposite is bad too and is happening here in hipster Greenpoint/Williamsburg. I see young hipster men alone or with male friends that do not blink an eye when an attractive young woman goes by, like they have been neutered or something.
There must be a happy medium...
12
It makes sense that the writer wants to be included fully in every part of life that has unfairly been denied to her because she looks different from other pretty girls. It makes me mad/sad that extra burdens are put on these kids growing up. Some disabilities make it harder learning how to walk, talk how to pick up the normal skills. Then be lonely and if not extraordinarily outgoing ostracized for appearance...
Is it this way for ugly people in our culture? For old people? For the poor, homeless, sick, AND the disabled? The mentally ill aren't looked at too closely. We have a low tolerance for less than perfect. Dirty, sick, hungry, crazy, leaning,
uncombed.....get that off the street please.
Is it this way for ugly people in our culture? For old people? For the poor, homeless, sick, AND the disabled? The mentally ill aren't looked at too closely. We have a low tolerance for less than perfect. Dirty, sick, hungry, crazy, leaning,
uncombed.....get that off the street please.
8
Sad but true
1
The important thing to remember is that good people's feelings are always someone else's fault. Bad people's feelings are due to some pathological damage.
1
“Academic” feminism has tended to resist the premise that men and women can only ever be understood in relation to each other.
3
Says who?
1
It blows so much in east Texas that one day the wind stopped and all the chickens fell over.
If men stopped leering, we would search for a pharmaceutical to bring back the desire. All things begin in desire. There will be conflict between our nature and socially appropriate behavior. For ever. We are primates.
If men stopped leering, we would search for a pharmaceutical to bring back the desire. All things begin in desire. There will be conflict between our nature and socially appropriate behavior. For ever. We are primates.
13
I think the author is saying she wants to be looked at and desired, not catcalled and harassed. There is a difference.
Contrary to the (neo) feminist narrative, male sexuality itself is not evil. I suppose certain manifestations of male sexuality are probably unpleasant for unwilling participants, but let's not make the mistake of lumping it all together. For the most part, celebrating the female form is a good thing for all involved.
If an attractive woman passes me on the street and I happen to look twice, I hope she doesn't take it negatively. I just think she is attractive and I'm not sure she would be justified in condemning me for that. Such an action is a positive reaction to physical beauty, and I think that's what the author of this article feels that she is missing.
Contrary to the (neo) feminist narrative, male sexuality itself is not evil. I suppose certain manifestations of male sexuality are probably unpleasant for unwilling participants, but let's not make the mistake of lumping it all together. For the most part, celebrating the female form is a good thing for all involved.
If an attractive woman passes me on the street and I happen to look twice, I hope she doesn't take it negatively. I just think she is attractive and I'm not sure she would be justified in condemning me for that. Such an action is a positive reaction to physical beauty, and I think that's what the author of this article feels that she is missing.
32
Looked at and desired, perhaps by the kind of men that gravitate towards beautiful women - the very rich, the very artistic, the very successful. For men, success means being able to hang out with beautiful women.
3
Fine and dandy, as long as you don't mind the same standard being applied to male and female "celebrating" of the male body (yours) in the same ways. Another great application of the Golden Rule.
2
I always look twice (at least!) at an attractive male. And sometimes I can't help staring at the attractive women too...........
1
The fact is, any woman who is not considered every man's visual fantasy is treated the same way. Ask any woman deemed fat, not classically attractive, not smart enough, too smart, socially awkward -you name it- what their experiences are and you'll find they are very similar. Of course, there are issues tied directly to disability. It's what women get in a society that conditions them from the moment of birth that their supreme value is how they look and that it is their duty to spend their lives jumping through hoops conforming to what men think they should look like.
Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted; it's understandable and normal. However, women who can't walk down the street or into an establishment in peace without being confronted regularly, if not daily, by the decay of Western Civilization ogling, harassing, and otherwise invading their personal space should not have to feel like they have the better end of the deal.
Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted; it's understandable and normal. However, women who can't walk down the street or into an establishment in peace without being confronted regularly, if not daily, by the decay of Western Civilization ogling, harassing, and otherwise invading their personal space should not have to feel like they have the better end of the deal.
29
I'm a liberal, progressive male who fights surprisingly hard for my egalitarian ideals. Even so, your piece has me thinking: maybe I'm not sexually harassing all the women I could be sexually harassing. I'm gonna work on that. I would start right now, but my thoughts would get my comment banned. Trust me, tho...I'm thinking something terrible right now ;)
9
Yep, sexual harassment is just hilarious.
2
You are so right, Sue. I can't stand those guys who are willing to treat everyone - whether able-bodied or not - the same. They make me sick.
Can you believe there are actually some people in this world who say that liberals are now so far left that they've lost any semblance of a sense of humor? Personally...I don't believe it.
Can you believe there are actually some people in this world who say that liberals are now so far left that they've lost any semblance of a sense of humor? Personally...I don't believe it.
Your sarcasm detector needs adjustment.
I was moved by your honesty. But don't worry. Sooner than you want you will be joining the rest of the ungazed-, unleered- and unglanced-at masses of women over 50. You might find it all very liberating at that point, as many do.
14
For myself, I have developed the philosophy that almost every bad thing, that happens to me, actually has some aspect of upside. I'm 68, and overweight, but I have a reasonably comfortable life, walk a mile every day in spite of intense pain in my knees, and have a couple of really nice friends who love me. When I was young, I got hooted at all the time. I was sexually harassed at my job, in the 70's. Frankly, I don't miss any of it. See, there's one good thing about getting old. None of us wants to be "invisible;" what we do want is to be treated with kindness and respect.
29
Very interesting piece. And yes, there is a part of women that wants attention. Being young and good looking at one time, got my share. Not overwhelmingly so but some shout outs or cat calls while I went about my business in New York City. Never bothered me. Maybe I even liked it coming from a home where I was often overlooked and ignored?
3
Please do not encourage men to shout out or catcall women. There is no part of this woman who wants or needs that sort of attention from men, and my feelings are not unusual.
1
This essay confuses two things -- a sexualized, objectifying gaze, and the often-dehumanizing treatment of people with visible physical disabilities -- and, bizarrely, imply that the former would be some kind of compensation for the latter. The fact that some people react poorly to Ms. Bartlett's disability doesn't somehow make others' leering okay, just because there's some kind of "payoff" (for one's vanity) in that leering. Ms. Bartlett has every right to want to cultivate a desirable appearance, to feel however she feels is "feminine," but that doesn't mean other women should put up with unwanted harassment -- which is certainly a subtext of what's written here. I am interested in what's being said here about "invisibility," but I also feel like there's some pitting of women against women, and that I can do without. And as a woman without a physical disability who's never experienced the "attention" of men in public, I can say I don't miss it ... but of course I'm not "beautiful," so maybe, from Ms. Bartlett's perspective, I'm only (not) getting what I (don't) deserve.
14
This article really made me see the other side. It must me so hard to have to hide who you are through social media. Its not fair to hide yourself from the world. Everyone should be able to be happy for who they are. Everyone was made the way god wanted them to be. Most women are disgusted each day by men. You don't know what you have till its gone. It may be disgusting but some people don't get that feeling. The feeling that at least someone find you in an appealing way. Jennifer Bartlett may never know that feeling of constant affection that most girls get everyday. I hope one day she finds someone who see her from the inside and everyone dealing with a disability. We take life for granted in the smallest ways. Thats why articles like this really open my eyes to see the grass isn't greener on the other side. I should be happy to live in a country with freedom and have love ones around me. This article reminds me that I am happy and wouldn't want to change my life in anyway.
1
Being ogled, cat-called, harassed, and constantly approached is not affection.
13
Relationships start with attraction. Unless you are wearing a blind fold, I don't know how else things can be initiated.
Also, just because a man seems polite doesn't mean they are not simultaneously thinking and fantasizing incredibly dirty things.
It's all part of the game.... Can't just draw a line in the sand.
Also, just because a man seems polite doesn't mean they are not simultaneously thinking and fantasizing incredibly dirty things.
It's all part of the game.... Can't just draw a line in the sand.
Thank you Ms Bartlett, amazing piece, that lifts just a corner of the veil of the male gaze and where it chooses to dart. I've always thought that we can't create images of the female beauty throughout all cultures and centuries and brainwash men to lust after them, on paper, stone, canvas, replicas and representations of the female forms and 'attributes', veiled and unveiled, outré risqués and cleavage, pouting red mouths and red-painted pointed toes, and mischievously cute eyes, etc... and then ask the men to remain indifferent to that language and visual vocabulary...by now, men are dum with strong young sap and wild imagination, to produce indelible structures attached to the travails of youth, when we try to make something out of the other sex. I don't think it works both ways. Women are to not look at a man, even if she does in more clever and astute ways. The heterosexual trajectory of desire is traditional and conservative, you deviate from it, you're out of the game. So omit the male gaze and you have a different configuration. OUr culture is all about The Gaze.
1
Thanks for this honest article, free of cant.
3
Right. Women asking not to be constantly objectified, groped and yelled at by strangers are guilty of "cant".
2
I was never beautiful, but I was once young, and mere youth often suffices to attract the male gaze. I remember quite clearly the day I learned I'd become invisible. I was in Boulder, CO for a conference and headed off to explore Boulder's famed Pearl Street after meetings had finished for the day. I strolled along the street and into a handful of shops, where not a single sales person greeted me or asked if I needed assistance. I fled back to the street and stood in the thin autumn sunlight, just to confirm that I still cast a shadow. Indeed I did, but from that day forth I've been invisible. For women, age is a form of disability when it comes to the problem of invisibility. Most of us go meekly into invisibility, and those who challenge the typical way of the world risk wrath rather than respect for their choices. The animus directed toward Hillary Clinton as she has defied invisibility is a case in point.
25
From the male point of view there are two different things going on here: behavior, and attractiveness.
Behavior first. Rude is rude. Leering, making unwanted advances, and similar behaviors are simple, disrespectful rudeness. We all like to look at an attractive woman, but staring and making inappropriate comments are out. Our mommas raised us better than that.
Now on to attractiveness: Men are deceptively simple in this way; we are instinctively attracted to women who look like they are fit to breed. Think of it this way; our instinct wants to make a baby, our emotions want to enjoy the attention (sexual or otherwise) of an attractive woman, and our intellect tries to satisfy the emotion while thwarting the instinct, and at the same time, it tries to keep our behavior within the boundaries of our moral sense and upbringing.
That said, older women who age well are a gift to look at and visit with, but even the lounge lizards and street creeps know that there is no percentage in leering at them or making inappropriate comments.
Jennifer, I would hope that within the right social circles, that you enjoy the attentions of the right sort of man. Measuring by bar pickups or street comments is a poor metric.
Behavior first. Rude is rude. Leering, making unwanted advances, and similar behaviors are simple, disrespectful rudeness. We all like to look at an attractive woman, but staring and making inappropriate comments are out. Our mommas raised us better than that.
Now on to attractiveness: Men are deceptively simple in this way; we are instinctively attracted to women who look like they are fit to breed. Think of it this way; our instinct wants to make a baby, our emotions want to enjoy the attention (sexual or otherwise) of an attractive woman, and our intellect tries to satisfy the emotion while thwarting the instinct, and at the same time, it tries to keep our behavior within the boundaries of our moral sense and upbringing.
That said, older women who age well are a gift to look at and visit with, but even the lounge lizards and street creeps know that there is no percentage in leering at them or making inappropriate comments.
Jennifer, I would hope that within the right social circles, that you enjoy the attentions of the right sort of man. Measuring by bar pickups or street comments is a poor metric.
12
One year of college is all you need to understand that women DO enjoy harassment on a superficial level.
How else do you explain the aggressive alpha male's ability to have consensual sex with a new partner every week? Many of these women are smart and independent, but still cave to an athlete with large biceps and clever vulgar remarks.
How else do you explain the aggressive alpha male's ability to have consensual sex with a new partner every week? Many of these women are smart and independent, but still cave to an athlete with large biceps and clever vulgar remarks.
6
That's ridiculous.
3
To start with, you're assuming that these so-called alpha males are being truthful about their boasted rate of conquest.
I would also wager that the less physically attractive women don't even register on your radar.
I would also wager that the less physically attractive women don't even register on your radar.
4
This column's sadness is almost unbearable. First is the sadness of the male gaze's savage distortion. The vast majority of hetero men cannot imagine leering at a woman. Our reaction to seeing a woman we find beautiful is to look away, struck speechless with amazement, wonder and embarrassment. These accounts of the small but unfortunately hyperactive group of men who leer, harass, expose and even assault is sickening and deeply insulting.
The choreography between men and women is delicate, subtle, shy and tender. Of course (hetero) women want their men’s gaze, of course men want to give it, but as a gift, sweetly, shyly, as a gaze of wonder and admiration should be given.
That something so tender and precious should turn into a vulgar weapon of harassment and dominance should be enraging to women and men alike.
When I encounter a male acting this way, I have always verbally accosted him in the most insulting of terms. Threats of retaliatory violence have not dissuaded me; I state the obvious: a violent assault is a felony, sure to receive significant jail time and a guaranteed future of unemployment. I find this quiets even the most aggressive.
A daughter deserves the doting delight of her father. A woman deserves the awed admiration of her man. That the writer feels this absence so keenly she yearns even for the vulgar distortion of the corner catcall is heartbreaking. I hope she finds someone to appreciate her beauty that shines through her words.
The choreography between men and women is delicate, subtle, shy and tender. Of course (hetero) women want their men’s gaze, of course men want to give it, but as a gift, sweetly, shyly, as a gaze of wonder and admiration should be given.
That something so tender and precious should turn into a vulgar weapon of harassment and dominance should be enraging to women and men alike.
When I encounter a male acting this way, I have always verbally accosted him in the most insulting of terms. Threats of retaliatory violence have not dissuaded me; I state the obvious: a violent assault is a felony, sure to receive significant jail time and a guaranteed future of unemployment. I find this quiets even the most aggressive.
A daughter deserves the doting delight of her father. A woman deserves the awed admiration of her man. That the writer feels this absence so keenly she yearns even for the vulgar distortion of the corner catcall is heartbreaking. I hope she finds someone to appreciate her beauty that shines through her words.
21
Please PLEASE continue to accost men who harass women and keep telling them what they do is wrong. I've never seen a man stand up and confront the jerks.
7
As a male I have only once, when I was in my twenties, made a comment directly to a women. I can understand why women would be put off by comments or aggressive behavior but I don't understand what women don't like about by being looked at by a man. Mostly it occurs unconsciously. If women dress provocatively to express themselves I don't see why it bothers them to be looked at by men. It would seem that the whole point of dressing provocatively by women is to be looked at or noticed. What's wrong with that ? Otherwise there is the Islamic solution of covering themselves up entirely.
109
Agree. Like wearing a tee shirt with some slogan on it, I'm probably going to read it.
Truly my neither. I recall once walking up a staircase (I was in my 20s) and a guy coming down said something to the effect of "my goodness you are pretty." I thanked him. Honestly it made my day, especially as I was at the time married to a man who could do nothing but tell me how fat I was (at the time I was 5'5" 140 lbs - not fashionable Twiggy but not obese either).
1
"I know that if women wish to escape the stigma of husband-seeking, they must act and look like marble or clay - cold, expressionless, bloodless; for every appearance of feeling, of joy, sorrow, friendliness, antipathy, admiration, disgust, are alike construed by the world into the attempt to hook a husband"
true in 1845 and still true today.
I grow weary of explaining this over and over again to men who "don't understand what women don't like about by being looked at by a man" so I'll leave it at that.
Try asking some women, you might learn something
true in 1845 and still true today.
I grow weary of explaining this over and over again to men who "don't understand what women don't like about by being looked at by a man" so I'll leave it at that.
Try asking some women, you might learn something
8
So now staring at a disabled person is considered harrassment?!
2
Many women are invisible to "The Male Gaze".
Elderly women, overweight women, women who are not the least bit attractive.
The male gaze is designed by nature to assess the fertilty and health of a woman, for reproductive purposes.
There is nothing flattering about it that you can't assess yourself, with your own gaze in the mirror.
It is impersonal and can be violating in its nature, especially when deployed by a group of men who are sharing their masculinity by assessing you as fair game.
Far better to cultivate the relationship with a man who is genuinely interested in you.
Playing games on-line to discover that men are shallow reveals far more about you than it ever will about men, Men is are on-line ARE shallow surprise surprise.
Their genes want to mix with healthy genes and don't know from accidents of birth.
Get over this, accept what is, and move on. Only immature women value the male gaze, and go into decline when they no longer are worthy of it.
Elderly women, overweight women, women who are not the least bit attractive.
The male gaze is designed by nature to assess the fertilty and health of a woman, for reproductive purposes.
There is nothing flattering about it that you can't assess yourself, with your own gaze in the mirror.
It is impersonal and can be violating in its nature, especially when deployed by a group of men who are sharing their masculinity by assessing you as fair game.
Far better to cultivate the relationship with a man who is genuinely interested in you.
Playing games on-line to discover that men are shallow reveals far more about you than it ever will about men, Men is are on-line ARE shallow surprise surprise.
Their genes want to mix with healthy genes and don't know from accidents of birth.
Get over this, accept what is, and move on. Only immature women value the male gaze, and go into decline when they no longer are worthy of it.
8
In our society, being ugly, or unattractive is also a disability. I have been invisible my whole life. It is a relief being older now, when it no longer hurts or matters so much. I am not just speaking about leers from construction sites, but also in the presence of other intelligent people. Your looks matter in business, in social situations, in life.
10
People judge people on their looks all the time for all sorts of reasons. People with fat bodies, people with tall bodies, people with brown skin, people with black skin, people with old wrinkly skin, people who are homeless .... we all have stories about not being seen as a person but as category. I'm not sure when this will change, but wishing others were different is not the answer. We need to figure out how to connect with people through respect & kindness for each other's humanity.
8
While the author very eloquently expresses a disheartening societal reality, I can't help thinking that there is an important point not being made. Why can't someone be beautiful without being harassed? Why is feeling beautiful so tied to objectification? (Btw, the author is also objectified when treated as invisible.) Because that is what the author is describing, the objectification of an unknown woman due to her physical appearance. She is not describing respect or awe for a beautiful woman but a generalized response to a woman, that belies an ambivalence and (perhaps loss of) power on the part of the viewer/commentor.
I love being or feeling beautiful. I hate being objectified. And these two concepts should not be linked in any society.
I love being or feeling beautiful. I hate being objectified. And these two concepts should not be linked in any society.
176
Nice. So we're darned if we do, and darned if we don't.
Wish you'd make up your mind.
Wish you'd make up your mind.
3
Of course in an ideal world, all forms of attention would be respectful, appropriate, and desired. But realistically there will be a spectrum from classy and fully welcomed to wildly inappropriate (if not criminal) and unwelcome. People have different levels of social skills. Even attention within social norms has a subjective component where it's not easily predicted if the recipient will want it or not, even if there were no bad intentions.
If you are physically attractive, (of any gender), you're going to inspire a lot of attention. Sadly some percentage of it will be the bad kind, from people who are too socially inept to do it better. But that is not all there is.
Anyway I empathize with the author who feels lonely enough for any attention (classy or not) to seem better than none at all. Been there.
If you are physically attractive, (of any gender), you're going to inspire a lot of attention. Sadly some percentage of it will be the bad kind, from people who are too socially inept to do it better. But that is not all there is.
Anyway I empathize with the author who feels lonely enough for any attention (classy or not) to seem better than none at all. Been there.
2
Wonderful, insightful comment. Thank you.
1
Dear Ms. Bartlett,
Would you trade your beautiful, insightful mind for a "normal" body?
From reading this, I would be surprised if you said that men who have gotten to know you have not often complimented you on your brilliant mind, your keen perception, your ability to communicate with such clarity and depth. And no doubt they have also complimented you on all manner of things that a reader such as me cannot see from a single op-ed. Would you trade all this for lustful gazes from strange men?
It's the difference between being seen as a person worthy of love and respect versus being seen as an object to be used. Being invisible to strangers and only truly seen by those I love and care about sounds like paradise to me.
Would you trade your beautiful, insightful mind for a "normal" body?
From reading this, I would be surprised if you said that men who have gotten to know you have not often complimented you on your brilliant mind, your keen perception, your ability to communicate with such clarity and depth. And no doubt they have also complimented you on all manner of things that a reader such as me cannot see from a single op-ed. Would you trade all this for lustful gazes from strange men?
It's the difference between being seen as a person worthy of love and respect versus being seen as an object to be used. Being invisible to strangers and only truly seen by those I love and care about sounds like paradise to me.
6
Would you be surprised if the author opted for the "normal body" and less insightful mind? Note that I do not know the author or what she would say but this is one possibility.
As someone who has been complimented on my intelligence regularly, nonetheless, it is nice to be complimented on my appearance occasionally. Getting complimented is different from being harassed and compliments can be made out of love and respect instead of objectification.
Regardless, please do not assume the author only wants to be complimented on her mind. You have no idea what it is like to be disabled or unacknowledged because of your appearance. I have a relative with a chronic disability and work with patients so I can somewhat see where the author is coming from.
As someone who has been complimented on my intelligence regularly, nonetheless, it is nice to be complimented on my appearance occasionally. Getting complimented is different from being harassed and compliments can be made out of love and respect instead of objectification.
Regardless, please do not assume the author only wants to be complimented on her mind. You have no idea what it is like to be disabled or unacknowledged because of your appearance. I have a relative with a chronic disability and work with patients so I can somewhat see where the author is coming from.
"But, I am harassed in other ways that feel much more damaging. People stare. People insist that I have God’s blessing."
Jennifer....thank you for pointing out the profound obtuseness and thoughtless insensitivity of people injecting the word 'God' into reality.
If humans only knew how thoughtless and cruel the mindlessly worded 'God's blessing' and 'God's plan' empty slogans were, they would never utter such vapid nonsense to show human compassion.
Jennifer....thank you for pointing out the profound obtuseness and thoughtless insensitivity of people injecting the word 'God' into reality.
If humans only knew how thoughtless and cruel the mindlessly worded 'God's blessing' and 'God's plan' empty slogans were, they would never utter such vapid nonsense to show human compassion.
12
A lot of people do know, Socrates. And they do it anyway. I'm inclined to see it as a type of proselytizing, rather than a straight up attempt to be a jerk. I admit I could be wrong, though.
2
"I have also always been beautiful and a nice dresser" - I find it a little sad that the author needs to assure us of her attractiveness. This isn't an argument against superficiality, it's an argument against being treated differently than what she feels is her due as an attractive woman.
Apparently, lookism is not discriminatory because it is so prevalent.
Apparently, lookism is not discriminatory because it is so prevalent.
9
Lookism? I think you guys up in Mass don't have enough to do.
Though originally from the NY metropolitan area, I have resided in Central America for the past 30 years. Here, disabilities are generally perceived differently than in my roots culture. Whereas stateside folks tend to" look the other way" or tend to ignore someone who is obviously not the norm, here they are more embraced and kept in the mainstream of life. Once , while in a Walmart in Georgia, a man in a wheelchair was behind me in line...I smiled, greeted him, and asked," So what the hell happened to you?" He beamed and said, "Do you know how much that means to me? Everyone else ignores me..." Turned out he was a really interesting man with a great sense of humour...Also, my son, as a young lad, was badly disfigured to his jaw after being in a horrific accident in Guatemala. Instead of local people shunning him, they began to call him "tiburon" which means shark-and came along with their respect that he survived one of life's awful blows. If our culture could more embrace and herald the differences from the norm, like they do in more third world cultures, we would all be a lot healthier and happier.
21
Maybe in some developing countries disability is embraced but as a wheelchair user who has traveled and lived in multiple continents, I don't see people with disabilities being appreciated for their strength. Rather they are seen as a burden on the family, there are limited school and work opportunities, and social exclusion is the norm. Just try to find a wheelchair accessible bathroom in Uganda, China, Nepal, Turkey, Thailand or even much of Europe, other than airports, and you will instantly grasp the de facto exclusion.
6
Thank you for this insight. I write from the perspective of father of a young man with mild CP, stemming from pre-term birth. Even if he may not appreciate my comments here ( who knows, maybe he is posting with a pseudony,), I am compelled to tell you how much I pray that he would meet someone like you. My son is 27, very gainfully employed in IT with a Fortune 250 firm, but still trying to navigate the march since JHS of being "different." He does not drive a car. He has never had a date, although he is considered "handsome" by many women who are friends of my wife,...... who are "honest" enough to tell it like it is. How can we get advice from someone like you on regular basis? I would do about anything to help this process in an appropriate way.
3
This is a good article.
Whether by objectifying able bodied women, or also objectifying in such a way that they are not interested in harassing a (perceived) disabled woman, or just being too awkward and un-empathetic to talk to someone with an unknown disability...these are all cases of depersonalizing and objectifying.
Objectifying either as 'sex object' or a 'broken object', instead of always a person first. This is the true culture of life. Not an object, not a burden, not an inconvenience. We must all keep that at forefront of our minds.
Whether by objectifying able bodied women, or also objectifying in such a way that they are not interested in harassing a (perceived) disabled woman, or just being too awkward and un-empathetic to talk to someone with an unknown disability...these are all cases of depersonalizing and objectifying.
Objectifying either as 'sex object' or a 'broken object', instead of always a person first. This is the true culture of life. Not an object, not a burden, not an inconvenience. We must all keep that at forefront of our minds.
10
This is a truly beautifully written and interesting piece. Thank you.
In answer to some of the other comments, who does not want some attention from other people? But, only if it is kind, warm, affectionate, interested. Many of us are now invisible in society, for many reasons, and can understand your desires. We are social beings, right?
In answer to some of the other comments, who does not want some attention from other people? But, only if it is kind, warm, affectionate, interested. Many of us are now invisible in society, for many reasons, and can understand your desires. We are social beings, right?
8
First of all i am sorry you were born with a disability and I have no idea what to say that would help you. All i can say about missing the male gaze is if you live long enough you become invisible. It happens to everybody. And if you happen to be in a wheel chair people assume your have no brain either. This is especially true when in a hospital. My Girl Friday who looks to be 14,she's 25, is asked all the questions. I am assumed to be a vegetable. Maybe i should dress as a tomato or a stalk of celery?
Maybe you could think about Stephen Hawking and try to emulate him. Not necessarily writing about the cosmos, but writing about life. I bet you would find yourself a genius when it came to writing the sex scenes. You know in ways few others would know about how to fully connect with another human being, at least in your mind. I will google your name. The best for you.
Maybe you could think about Stephen Hawking and try to emulate him. Not necessarily writing about the cosmos, but writing about life. I bet you would find yourself a genius when it came to writing the sex scenes. You know in ways few others would know about how to fully connect with another human being, at least in your mind. I will google your name. The best for you.
5
Women who are harassed are not being "looked at" by anyone. In fact, they are just as invisible as someone who is talked about in the third person because of a disability. When someone is harassed, the harasser is not actually looking at the human being before him. When someone is harassed, the harasser is choosing to imagine something that does not exist in the physical form before him. The actual woman there is not real for the harasser. I understand that, in theory, eyes upon you implies power and, therefore, you long for it. Unfortunately, for women, eyes upon them is rarely an acknowledgment of their true power, of their humanity. Too many times, eyes upon a woman has nothing to do with the real person there but with an imagined fantasy that erases the woman altogether.
42
What a wonderful piece of writing. It brought back memories of a book called Bittersweet Triumph that I read years ago. I highly recommend it if you can get a hold of a copy.
It also reminded me of something I heard a disabled person say once on NPR, that most of us will end up with a disability at some point in our lives. We need to all be aware of that.
It also reminded me of something I heard a disabled person say once on NPR, that most of us will end up with a disability at some point in our lives. We need to all be aware of that.
5
Ugh. So you want a bunch of creeps calling out to you and staring at you because it makes you feel better about yourself - ?
I get it that we all desire and need social affirmation. I first time I hung out with a gay man, it was very startling and threatening to realize that he really had no use for me.
But you know what? I would spend all day in the company of gay men vs cat-callers and lechers. Please don't confuse social affirmation with lechery. Use your talents - there must be something you can do in front of other people that will make them go "wow".
I get it that we all desire and need social affirmation. I first time I hung out with a gay man, it was very startling and threatening to realize that he really had no use for me.
But you know what? I would spend all day in the company of gay men vs cat-callers and lechers. Please don't confuse social affirmation with lechery. Use your talents - there must be something you can do in front of other people that will make them go "wow".
16
No sexual use for you is not the same as no use. Unfortunately, for many men (and apparently women), the two are conflated.
2
Thank you for this piece, and for your very clear explanation -- the first I've ever encountered! -- of cerebral palsy. It sure would have helped me to know this when I was volunteering with children including one with CP, and I had no idea what to do.
But as for "wanting the male gaze" -- here is the point you and others here seem to miss. Men are free to look, and appreciate, all they want; but there is an unexamined assumption that it is THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to yell, whistle, or otherwise burden US with their opinion. That is what is objectionable (and whistling back does not fix the problem).
You say you would rather be whistled at than treated as an object (let’s put aside for now that they’re both just different ways of being treated like an object). But those are both bad choices!
There was a question not long ago, what if a woman is wearing headphones and clearly doesn't want anyone's feedback, and even then, men still insisted it was THEIR RIGHT to make sure a woman knew what they thought of her body.
THAT's the problem. It's all about what MEN want. Not what women want, even if all we want is to be left alone.
There is an assumption that the streets and the air — and the internet, too — are MEN’s, and we dare to exist in them at our own peril. That's what's wrong.
But as for "wanting the male gaze" -- here is the point you and others here seem to miss. Men are free to look, and appreciate, all they want; but there is an unexamined assumption that it is THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to yell, whistle, or otherwise burden US with their opinion. That is what is objectionable (and whistling back does not fix the problem).
You say you would rather be whistled at than treated as an object (let’s put aside for now that they’re both just different ways of being treated like an object). But those are both bad choices!
There was a question not long ago, what if a woman is wearing headphones and clearly doesn't want anyone's feedback, and even then, men still insisted it was THEIR RIGHT to make sure a woman knew what they thought of her body.
THAT's the problem. It's all about what MEN want. Not what women want, even if all we want is to be left alone.
There is an assumption that the streets and the air — and the internet, too — are MEN’s, and we dare to exist in them at our own peril. That's what's wrong.
38
"but there is an unexamined assumption that it is THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to yell, whistle, or otherwise burden US with their opinion"
What?
What?
What is it about her comment that you don't understand?
This essay supplies a much needed corrective to the current discourse on sexual harassment. While being sexually harassed is undoubtedly dehumanizing and traumatic, there is another side to the issue that rarely is addressed. To be an object of sexual desire and the male gaze is empowering in certain ways. I do not have a disability, but I am not attractive. I have escaped harassment and the damage it causes, but I have also missed out on beneficial forms of attention and privileges that come with being desirable. My lack of confidence due to not being conventionally attractive has affected my life in myriad ways. I often wonder if women who complain loudly about being sexually harassed would trade their existence for a day (or a lifetime) as a person who feels invisible and overlooked, or is even disliked or ridiculed for her negative appearance. Neither situation is desirable, of course, but there needs to be more respect and understanding for people who, because of their appearance, receive no attention at all, or the unwanted attention of being passed over, trusted less, liked less.
48
Well put and food for thought.
1
This is one of the best essays I have read. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I learned something.
3
so women should be grateful and relieved if they are harrassed, really?
13
1. I have had my share of catcalls from men - never really bothered me and I don’t relate to the feelings of the woman in the article you reference. They have usually made me feel good as I LIKE when people find me attractive! Now, that I am of “a certain age” they are rare and it is a bummer to not be seen as attractive. Recently someone whistled as I was walking by a construction site; I turned in appreciation and….he was looking at a 20 year old girl. I almost cried. So, from a slightly different perspective, I get where you are coming from. It can be painful when people don’t find you attractive.
2. At age 100, my grandmother taught me how to play bridge. Yet, at restaurants, people would ask ME what SHE wanted! They didn’t even attempt to address her – it was an outrage. As you point out, we should make fewer judgments about people’s abilities based on their appearance.
3. I just returned from the Rio Paralympics where a number of athletes competed with cerebral palsy. The winning time in the men’s 100M for CP athletes was 10.7 seconds. While slower than Usain Bolt,thatt is really fast! Also, several of the visually impaired runners finished the 1500M in times FASTER than the gold medal time in the Olympics. After a country hosts the Paralympics, I notice they have a different view of disabled people - as people with the same interests, needs and talents as non-disabled people. Your amazing essay should have similar effects. Thank you for writing it.
2. At age 100, my grandmother taught me how to play bridge. Yet, at restaurants, people would ask ME what SHE wanted! They didn’t even attempt to address her – it was an outrage. As you point out, we should make fewer judgments about people’s abilities based on their appearance.
3. I just returned from the Rio Paralympics where a number of athletes competed with cerebral palsy. The winning time in the men’s 100M for CP athletes was 10.7 seconds. While slower than Usain Bolt,thatt is really fast! Also, several of the visually impaired runners finished the 1500M in times FASTER than the gold medal time in the Olympics. After a country hosts the Paralympics, I notice they have a different view of disabled people - as people with the same interests, needs and talents as non-disabled people. Your amazing essay should have similar effects. Thank you for writing it.
14
Don't have to this to "long for a gaze-from a male or female.
Love your piece.
You will find a "quality" person like yourself.
You don't have to settle or long for a "quantity" of gazes.
Love your piece.
You will find a "quality" person like yourself.
You don't have to settle or long for a "quantity" of gazes.
To all the older women posting about how you miss all the attention - now you know what it's like to be a man for the whole of his life, not just the 'attractive' years. No one looks at you, talks to you, thinks about you, asks you out, cares to be courteous. Oh, but we have jobs! And desperate, dreadful loneliness, isolation, and invisibility. What a privilege! Any wonder we're so upset all the time?
22
"now you know what it's like to be a man for the whole of his life"
Do you believe that all men have lives like you describe?
If not, why not?
Do you believe that all men have lives like you describe?
If not, why not?
I feel for Ms Bartlett, but she makes the mistake of linking attractiveness with sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is about power. The strong bullying the weak. She is extremely lucky not to have experienced it. As a 50 year old women I breath a sigh of relief to be "invisible" and not to be street harassed anymore.
33
I think most people are inherently good although not always well-behaved. I think even if a disability is slight but obvious, it's just consideration for your struggle that will cause men not to catcall or otherwise harass. I'm sure they are looking - just not being obvious.
1
The NYT is woman's paper when it comes to things like this
The dominance of white males has created a needed movement for white women to get equality from white men or black women from black men, etc. But I don't understand the goal of this article.
Mainstream media has one way conversations where women tell men they're doing it wrong. What is it that women are conveying with this piece?
A woman says Sexual harassment is rampant: decent men try to improve.
This woman isn't being sexualized and gets to write a piece in the NYT! A novel complaint.
Look at romance novels for women: they're men chasing women: and women created this market. A lot of mixed messages.
Millennial men have quietly realized something about women. The messages can be contradictory. What's right for one is wrong to another.
The dominance of white males has created a needed movement for white women to get equality from white men or black women from black men, etc. But I don't understand the goal of this article.
Mainstream media has one way conversations where women tell men they're doing it wrong. What is it that women are conveying with this piece?
A woman says Sexual harassment is rampant: decent men try to improve.
This woman isn't being sexualized and gets to write a piece in the NYT! A novel complaint.
Look at romance novels for women: they're men chasing women: and women created this market. A lot of mixed messages.
Millennial men have quietly realized something about women. The messages can be contradictory. What's right for one is wrong to another.
4
I think that men have their own contradictory behavior, contradictions are part of being human.
7
"Millennial men have quietly realized something about women. The messages can be contradictory. What's right for one is wrong to another."
Wow, you mean some women might actually be different than other women? They might actually be individuals? There really isn't one rule on how one should behave toward *all* women? Or toward "Woman," as they used to say? That could definitely make it much more onerous, time-consuming to get Woman into bed. It's like the Great Religious Leader Freud once said, "What do women want?" Who can ever know? It makes my brain hurt even to think of it.
HOW inconvenient!
Wow, you mean some women might actually be different than other women? They might actually be individuals? There really isn't one rule on how one should behave toward *all* women? Or toward "Woman," as they used to say? That could definitely make it much more onerous, time-consuming to get Woman into bed. It's like the Great Religious Leader Freud once said, "What do women want?" Who can ever know? It makes my brain hurt even to think of it.
HOW inconvenient!
6
It's really not complicated.
Humans are evolutionarily programmed to look for HEALTH in a mate. The faces we think are the most beautiful tend to be the most symmetrical, symmetry being a sign of genetic health.
It's not just looks either. I once met a guy who was a young surgeon. He had been through two rounds of treatment for Hodgkins. He was good looking and well-off, but was sad and discouraged because no women would stay with him once they knew about his health issues. He understood they were just scared, and didn't know what to do about it.
It's very unfortunate, but it's just biology.
Humans are evolutionarily programmed to look for HEALTH in a mate. The faces we think are the most beautiful tend to be the most symmetrical, symmetry being a sign of genetic health.
It's not just looks either. I once met a guy who was a young surgeon. He had been through two rounds of treatment for Hodgkins. He was good looking and well-off, but was sad and discouraged because no women would stay with him once they knew about his health issues. He understood they were just scared, and didn't know what to do about it.
It's very unfortunate, but it's just biology.
5
Jessica Valenti published a memoir titled “Sex Object,” which focuses on the toll the “male gaze” has taken on her. She wrote an article on this theme for this paper, “What Does a Lifetime of Leers Do to Us?” Valenti describes a life of sexual harassment beginning at adolescence. She writes of what seems like countless instances of men exposing themselves to her on the New York City subway. She describes constantly thwarting unwanted advances from men in all areas of her life.
"Countless instances of men exposing themselves to her on the New York City subway". Who knew?
Really? I'm sixty-six years old, and have lived and worked in a variety of places, cities and states including construction sites and I have never observed or heard of men behaving as described accept in an extremely limited scope. Usually the males had mental problems or were promptly arrested. Right now my good friends very attractive 30 year old daughter lives in Red Hook Brooklyn. She walks and bikes all over the place including to work downtown. How come this stuff doesn't happen to her?
Ps: I find women of my age to be as attractive, desirable, and interesting as ever and am very pleased that they make up a good part of my social life along with several men my age.
Something is wrong with these pictures.
Women should document these instances and put them on a website called something like problemmen_inNY.com. Take action.
"Countless instances of men exposing themselves to her on the New York City subway". Who knew?
Really? I'm sixty-six years old, and have lived and worked in a variety of places, cities and states including construction sites and I have never observed or heard of men behaving as described accept in an extremely limited scope. Usually the males had mental problems or were promptly arrested. Right now my good friends very attractive 30 year old daughter lives in Red Hook Brooklyn. She walks and bikes all over the place including to work downtown. How come this stuff doesn't happen to her?
Ps: I find women of my age to be as attractive, desirable, and interesting as ever and am very pleased that they make up a good part of my social life along with several men my age.
Something is wrong with these pictures.
Women should document these instances and put them on a website called something like problemmen_inNY.com. Take action.
9
What on earth?
You're saying that you as a man have not witnessed it, therefore women who have experienced ongoing harassment must be making it all up?
If you are a white man, will you also claim that racism can't really exist because you as a white man have never directly experienced it or seen anybody display it in your presence?
Incredible.
You're saying that you as a man have not witnessed it, therefore women who have experienced ongoing harassment must be making it all up?
If you are a white man, will you also claim that racism can't really exist because you as a white man have never directly experienced it or seen anybody display it in your presence?
Incredible.
5
Thanks for this perspective and reminder not to underestimate those with disabilities! I think most people feel discomfort or intimidated when they don't know the extent of one's abilities, or how delicately to act around them. There could also be a bit of "survivor's guilt" that adds to their awkwardness. It's often an instinct to protect those who seem vulnerable, but unfortunately it probably comes off as condescending or dehumanizing. If you're as candid in person as you are in your essay, I think that new acquaintances will drop their guard and be eager to learn more about you and your shared interests.
4
There's such a painful delay between the education of people's minds, and the habits and cultures of their dating lives.
Ms. Bartlett, I hope you find a partner who sees the physical you and not just the inner beauty.
Ms. Bartlett, I hope you find a partner who sees the physical you and not just the inner beauty.
3
I know I’m not addressing the disability issue here.
Why do women use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery, and show a lot of skin if they don’t want men to look at them? I find many women irresistible to look at. What is often the fact is that they want young, good-looking men to look at them, but not older men like me. When they accidentally look at me, they quickly withdraw their gaze.
In many cases, women use men as mirrors, to bolster their egos. They say they don’t enjoy having men look at them, but need to know men are. My point it that the polarity between the sexes oppresses both sides. Age is the leveling factor. How will women who complain about the male gaze like it when it ends?
Why do women use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery, and show a lot of skin if they don’t want men to look at them? I find many women irresistible to look at. What is often the fact is that they want young, good-looking men to look at them, but not older men like me. When they accidentally look at me, they quickly withdraw their gaze.
In many cases, women use men as mirrors, to bolster their egos. They say they don’t enjoy having men look at them, but need to know men are. My point it that the polarity between the sexes oppresses both sides. Age is the leveling factor. How will women who complain about the male gaze like it when it ends?
14
How will they like it when it ends? Read the other comments - they are relieved.
5
What a self-centred, entitled comment.
"Women" is of course a huge category, more than 50% of the human race, present in every race, culture and nationality in the world, and it's absurd to attempt to make sweeping generalizations about them. It's ridiculous to make sweeping generalizations even about "American women" or even "Manhattan women."
But many women "use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery and show a lot of skin" (not to mention shaving their legs and armpits, and dieting to the point of starvation) *to feel attractive to themselves.* To feel that they live up to their culture's standards of beauty, as a matter of personal self-esteem. Nothing to do with men at all.
Yes, sadly, men still hold far too much sway in determining each culture's standards of female beauty. But that doesn't mean women who aspire to meet that cultural standard care one iota about the opinions of individual men, or even "men" as a demographic group.
That's why many lesbians and asexual women "use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery and show a lot of skin," as well as shaving dieting and exercising. These women often resent, loathe and are infuriated by "the male gaze," and they take active steps to avoid it. But they still want to meet their culture's standards for beauty, simply to feel good about themselves, to themselves.
"Women" is of course a huge category, more than 50% of the human race, present in every race, culture and nationality in the world, and it's absurd to attempt to make sweeping generalizations about them. It's ridiculous to make sweeping generalizations even about "American women" or even "Manhattan women."
But many women "use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery and show a lot of skin" (not to mention shaving their legs and armpits, and dieting to the point of starvation) *to feel attractive to themselves.* To feel that they live up to their culture's standards of beauty, as a matter of personal self-esteem. Nothing to do with men at all.
Yes, sadly, men still hold far too much sway in determining each culture's standards of female beauty. But that doesn't mean women who aspire to meet that cultural standard care one iota about the opinions of individual men, or even "men" as a demographic group.
That's why many lesbians and asexual women "use makeup, hair dye, and plastic surgery and show a lot of skin," as well as shaving dieting and exercising. These women often resent, loathe and are infuriated by "the male gaze," and they take active steps to avoid it. But they still want to meet their culture's standards for beauty, simply to feel good about themselves, to themselves.
7
Because being "groomed" and being beautiful, particularly if you are a woman, are the things that get you jobs and good salaries.
3
Ms. Bartlett: You are indeed valiant, courageous , brave and thoughtful. Your efforts to reach out and tell more conventionally abled people what this kind of birth trauma feels like is a very good thing. Judging from the responses you have succeeded very well. I have known many people with serious problems-generally experienced from birth onward. Education and work success were often achieved but the longed for romantic connection proved to be so much harder. I don't think people who don't know anyone like you understand how truly painful this is. The several people who said that they had talked to a person in a wheelchair for the first time have made an important discovery. There is a fine human being within that disability screen most of the time. Many people are actually happily married and loyal to that person. Perhaps New York City is not the best place to find love. I hear this even from the almost "flawless". The question; " What do women want?" is a famous one. The question: " What do (most) men want?" is not nearly so unfathomable. The pleased gaze of strangers is not really valuable and can be dangerous. But I do understand that you would like to be able to decide that for yourself. But as several have said it does go away for all women at some point. In admiration...
3
I believe our prejudice and stupidity all arises in our adolescence, when we first establish our "tribe". Some never leave it. My years in a service industry was a boon for me personally as I was forced many times to toss out my "first thoughts" as stupid. In short, it helped me grow up. The men referred to in this article have failed to do the same. I admit, I sometimes still have "first thoughts", but it is my "second thoughts" and "third thoughts" that make me a man.
10
I remember, with admiration, a woman I once met with cerebral palsy. In essence, she was able to say, "So, honey, now that you've noticed me, whatcha doin' Friday evening?" Somehow, she was able to transcend the depersonalization experienced by Ms. Bartlett, and so many people with differences of one sort or another. A great teacher.
2
So did you accept her suggestion of a date, or did you just congratulate yourself on noticing her humanity?
2
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but one reason men may not favor a women with a disability by their glances is that we are afraid this will be taken as staring at the disability. If I see an attractive woman in a wheelchair, I am often afraid to look anywhere near her, let alone make friendly eye contact, for fear she may think "Haven't you ever seen someone in a wheelchair before?" Same with any mobility or facial issue.
36
I don't relate to any of this.
You know what's really attractive? Confidence. I've known women with "defects" that others would consider unfortunate, who manage to draw all eyes -- male, female, whoever -- to them when they are in the room. That's the kind of woman I've always wanted to be.
The generic "pretty" that draws whistles on the street has never been interesting to me. I can appreciate it but never have aspired to it.
You know what's really attractive? Confidence. I've known women with "defects" that others would consider unfortunate, who manage to draw all eyes -- male, female, whoever -- to them when they are in the room. That's the kind of woman I've always wanted to be.
The generic "pretty" that draws whistles on the street has never been interesting to me. I can appreciate it but never have aspired to it.
12
Agreed. One of the most popular girls at my high school had problem skin but she dressed nicely, smiled at everyone and was confident and personable. You couldn't help but be drawn to her.
4
My mother was attractive and got a lot of attention from men. And she had many affairs, giving much pain to my father. I'm not saying there is causation there though perhaps correlation and opportunity surely factors in.
She said to me later, a little bitterly, that no one noticed her anymore, she had become invisible. And I, who have never been particularly attractive, thought to myself, well I'll never have that feeling of let down.
To the women here who are sad to have aged out of the attention, I hope you enjoyed it when you had it. Too bad it was so important to you.
She said to me later, a little bitterly, that no one noticed her anymore, she had become invisible. And I, who have never been particularly attractive, thought to myself, well I'll never have that feeling of let down.
To the women here who are sad to have aged out of the attention, I hope you enjoyed it when you had it. Too bad it was so important to you.
23
God bless. Your article is a tribute to the national conversation about disabilities and the people with them.
3
Thank you so much for writing this. I do not have a visible disability, but for some reason, very few guys would give me the time of day when I was still "on the market" (so to speak. I am now married). Someone once told me it was because of my ethnicity (Chinese), but I didn't (and still don't) live in an area where I was the only person of East Asian descent. My "slight" size? Ummm, not sure about that either. I ended up finding relationships online - back in the "old days" of Lavalife. It wasn't exactly how I had pictured finding someone when I was 12!!!
Once again, I applaud the theme and the essays! The wide variety of responses is also educative - what an important conversation!
6
On an animal level, animals seek mates that exhibit a high degree of health and fitness. On an animal level, most of us fail this test. There are only a few top mate selections in any field.
Fortunately, we're human. We're not driven to mating in quite the same way, and we don't all select (or throw ourselves at) the fittest in the vicinity. Some human males have even opted for a little subtlety, a little nuance in their love and desire. Those are the good ones. My husband picked my happy smile and my large brain (:D), overlooking my crooked teeth and spine. We're 35 years good.
Fortunately, we're human. We're not driven to mating in quite the same way, and we don't all select (or throw ourselves at) the fittest in the vicinity. Some human males have even opted for a little subtlety, a little nuance in their love and desire. Those are the good ones. My husband picked my happy smile and my large brain (:D), overlooking my crooked teeth and spine. We're 35 years good.
6
I've found the entire series of articles, including this one, enlightening; but all of comments on the 'braveness' of the authors and how their story is an 'inspiration' indicates something's still missing from the social and political equation of disability in society.
91
Yes, muddlerminnow you are SO right. I have a very visible disability but which for the most part does not prevent me from doing the normal things most people do. I am truly tired of people telling me they "admire [me] SO much," or, "You are SUCH an inspiration." Blah blah. Not for anything extraordinary, but for getting around, doing normal things. I try to be polite. Why antagonize people who are, after all, well-meaning? But it is annoying. It is as though they EXPECT someone like me not to do anything normal -- not to have a job, let alone a career, not to live independently, etc. What do they think "someone like me" should be doing?
1
"I was never hit on or sexually harassed by my professors in college, or later, by my co-workers or superiors. I have not felt as if my male teachers, friends or colleagues thought less of me because of my gender. I’ve never been aggressively “hit on” in a bar, despite the fact that I have frequented them alone throughout the years. In fact, I’ve rarely been approached in a bar at all."
This is me now and how it has always been. This is not about wanting to be leered at or catcalled in the street. It's about wanting to be seen as a woman, the total package, being seen as intelligent, attractive, desirable and not invisible in a way that doesn't seem to happen to men. And yes Rebecca, it really hit when I found myself divorced at 46 and stepped out into no-man's land. What's worse is that unlike many here who have commented who when given the choice between the harassment of their youth and the respect of age would gladly take the respect of age, I have become a non-entity.
This is me now and how it has always been. This is not about wanting to be leered at or catcalled in the street. It's about wanting to be seen as a woman, the total package, being seen as intelligent, attractive, desirable and not invisible in a way that doesn't seem to happen to men. And yes Rebecca, it really hit when I found myself divorced at 46 and stepped out into no-man's land. What's worse is that unlike many here who have commented who when given the choice between the harassment of their youth and the respect of age would gladly take the respect of age, I have become a non-entity.
8
Thank you for this.
I'm in a wheelchair and chicks with cerebral palsy are hot, I've never found them unsexy.
I havent' been disabled my whole life so I had a considerable amount of time in the so-called abled world, (I'm having a hard time really parsing who is disabled and who is not with the fanaticism for Donald Trump). I have always thought this is why I have never struggled with the lack of relationship part of disability.
Sexuality and the disabled is a verboten subject which creates an infantilization of us. I think it is the most important subject in our lives and no one writes about it.
Part of the problem is no one will write the rules or a starter kit.
There is also this really dangerous thing that dating an abled person means we have better self-worth. Even I'm viewed as predatory approaching a disabled woman which is odd. I still feel erotic about myself so a disabled woman mirrors that and I've never had the experience. I accept hiking and the like is a vision of an abled person's relationship. That's cool. I've never been interested in 'long walks on the beach' in the first place because most of my high school friends were goths and beaches smell funky, worse than crust punks. Even being disabled myself, I feel like I would be arrested if I said I wanted to experience the way a disabled woman's body felt with my damaged and discount bin body. This is very brave and important. I also know your work as an artist, you're hot, if may say so. Thanks for this.
I'm in a wheelchair and chicks with cerebral palsy are hot, I've never found them unsexy.
I havent' been disabled my whole life so I had a considerable amount of time in the so-called abled world, (I'm having a hard time really parsing who is disabled and who is not with the fanaticism for Donald Trump). I have always thought this is why I have never struggled with the lack of relationship part of disability.
Sexuality and the disabled is a verboten subject which creates an infantilization of us. I think it is the most important subject in our lives and no one writes about it.
Part of the problem is no one will write the rules or a starter kit.
There is also this really dangerous thing that dating an abled person means we have better self-worth. Even I'm viewed as predatory approaching a disabled woman which is odd. I still feel erotic about myself so a disabled woman mirrors that and I've never had the experience. I accept hiking and the like is a vision of an abled person's relationship. That's cool. I've never been interested in 'long walks on the beach' in the first place because most of my high school friends were goths and beaches smell funky, worse than crust punks. Even being disabled myself, I feel like I would be arrested if I said I wanted to experience the way a disabled woman's body felt with my damaged and discount bin body. This is very brave and important. I also know your work as an artist, you're hot, if may say so. Thanks for this.
9
You seem to see the world breaking down into only two choices: 1/ Being sexually harassed on the street by strangers, or 2/ being ignored by strangers.
There is nothing complimentary about being sexually harassed. It's threatening and scary. It's not an exaggeration to call street harassment a form of terrorism. As a child, I was a tomboy, confident and sure of myself. Then I hit 14 and the harassment started. I became prey. Harassment is a form of containment. The fact that this writer confuses street harassment with normal male attention is very, very sad.
There is nothing complimentary about being sexually harassed. It's threatening and scary. It's not an exaggeration to call street harassment a form of terrorism. As a child, I was a tomboy, confident and sure of myself. Then I hit 14 and the harassment started. I became prey. Harassment is a form of containment. The fact that this writer confuses street harassment with normal male attention is very, very sad.
21
Thank you Jennifer for sharing your clear thinking and compassionate perspective--from outside of established narratives/frameworks. How refreshing!
Your points shed light on the fact that constructed narratives of attractiveness and explanations of gender relations (including those of feminist thinkers) fail to touch upon important aspects of human nature and of gendered social relations that need to be understood if we are to move towards a post-patriarchal society. How does 'gaze' function as a form of basic relationship in its own right in our daily lives as primates? How does it function across race, gender, physical characteristics, and social class to fulfill or reject one's integrity? How do we replace the efficiency of stereotypes with new tools that allow us to first gaze upon and share each others' essences or 'souls,' and thereby temper our most basic primate impulses to resort to crude physical short hands? What is it about the biochemistry of males that, together with culture and social relations, makes self-control so difficult for many?
The fact that there is not yet a social networking platform--or a score of them--to aide a different quality of social introduction, where connections and affections between personhoods are explicitly the first order of business, is in a sense an injustice to us all. What thinking, caring, curious man would not want to meet you, the person who just shared this profound piece?!
Your points shed light on the fact that constructed narratives of attractiveness and explanations of gender relations (including those of feminist thinkers) fail to touch upon important aspects of human nature and of gendered social relations that need to be understood if we are to move towards a post-patriarchal society. How does 'gaze' function as a form of basic relationship in its own right in our daily lives as primates? How does it function across race, gender, physical characteristics, and social class to fulfill or reject one's integrity? How do we replace the efficiency of stereotypes with new tools that allow us to first gaze upon and share each others' essences or 'souls,' and thereby temper our most basic primate impulses to resort to crude physical short hands? What is it about the biochemistry of males that, together with culture and social relations, makes self-control so difficult for many?
The fact that there is not yet a social networking platform--or a score of them--to aide a different quality of social introduction, where connections and affections between personhoods are explicitly the first order of business, is in a sense an injustice to us all. What thinking, caring, curious man would not want to meet you, the person who just shared this profound piece?!
2
My sister, who was born in 1937, had cerebral palsy from birth trauma. It was minimal, compared to some others. She was highly intelligent. Most of her life was marked by my mother's overwhelming inability to accept my sister's disability and her ambition to have my sister date and marry, like all young women of the 1950s were "supposed" to do. The result of this and of the responses of society at large was a brilliant mind wasted, a soul caught in an emotional compacter between being the "special" child who received special favors not offered two other siblings and self-loathing with suicidal tendencies. A wedding in late life, while the culmination of my mother's deepest desire, was to a man, also disabled, who himself was twisted by social criteria and an unfortunate history of deprivation.
She is dead now. We waste so many.
Do not misconstrue this author's intent. She writes beautifully and to the point, which, for another writer, is the point.
She is dead now. We waste so many.
Do not misconstrue this author's intent. She writes beautifully and to the point, which, for another writer, is the point.
4
As someone who lives with a hidden disability, spent the last 25-years working in nearly each aspect of the disability arena, worked as an Assistant Investigator with a rare form of CP and dated several ladies with various disabilities, we're all part of a self-conscious niche. Yet, my brother's wife, a wheelchair-user, doesn't fit that mold - multiple degrees, active in the disability arena, always out and about; they travel Europe. All the wheelchair means is my brother can't keep up.
Over the last quarter century, facilitating open support groups to members of the disabled community was a rewarding and very cathartic experience. Dating was a topic often broached; not only the topic of dating other individuals with disabilities to allay concerns of not being judged or ridiculed because of limitations the disability presents but, the reaction of the non-disabled when out on a date. The patronizing, belittling - "isn't that cute," "oh, how sweet," etc.
Where're adults trying to enjoy ourselves not newborn puppies waiting to be adopted. Attitude is the biggest barrier the disabled community faces.
Over the last quarter century, facilitating open support groups to members of the disabled community was a rewarding and very cathartic experience. Dating was a topic often broached; not only the topic of dating other individuals with disabilities to allay concerns of not being judged or ridiculed because of limitations the disability presents but, the reaction of the non-disabled when out on a date. The patronizing, belittling - "isn't that cute," "oh, how sweet," etc.
Where're adults trying to enjoy ourselves not newborn puppies waiting to be adopted. Attitude is the biggest barrier the disabled community faces.
7
CORRECTION: "...worked as an Assistant Investigator with an Investigator who has a rare form of CP..."
1
I suppose I am lucky that I do not have a disability, but I too seek a positive male gaze. I'm 50 and have never been hit on, never asked on a date, nothing. The reason? Just too ugly. And there is nothing that I can do to change my features. The commenters who feel blessed to have aged out of the catcalls into the anonymity of middle age only serve to remind me that now I'm not just ugly, but I'm old and ugly.
This essay is so well written and the author is very eloquent. I am sorry that my knee jerk reaction is frustration at my own situation.
This essay is so well written and the author is very eloquent. I am sorry that my knee jerk reaction is frustration at my own situation.
69
To a spinster......I have no idea whether you are ugly or not, nor do I care, but just reading your comment, I get the feeling that you are a very interesting person. That would appeal to a lot of men.
3
Aaron nice comment and it reflects well on you.
The hard part is for us plain women (much less 'ugly' women), a lot of men don't even try to get to know how interesting or not we are. We're passed over based solely on appearance. There are studies showing women will go for men with about their same level of attractiveness whereas men aim for much higher than their level, whether they succeed or not.
This article reminds me somewhat of Dustin Hoffman's story that he broke down and cried one day during the filming of Tootsie (where he dressed up as a woman) when he realized that he had been ignoring/ missed meeting scads of potentially great women based simply on their superficial appearance.
http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-som...
The hard part is for us plain women (much less 'ugly' women), a lot of men don't even try to get to know how interesting or not we are. We're passed over based solely on appearance. There are studies showing women will go for men with about their same level of attractiveness whereas men aim for much higher than their level, whether they succeed or not.
This article reminds me somewhat of Dustin Hoffman's story that he broke down and cried one day during the filming of Tootsie (where he dressed up as a woman) when he realized that he had been ignoring/ missed meeting scads of potentially great women based simply on their superficial appearance.
http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-som...
3
@Aaron Adams: You're contradicting what "a spinster" has just stated to be the truth about her life. Why do you do that?
2
(Not Mark) I've never lived full time in NYC, but have lived in many other cities in the World, both Asia and Europe. I've lived in the north and south and even the pacific northwest. I was never a beauty, just cute. Never thought about getting harassed and can count on one hand the number of times I've been catcalled, etc. I find it amazing to read about the constant harassment of women in NYC. It has never been that way for me. No managers have ever harassed me, no other employees, no one in a bar. Depending upon the crime rate in the area that I've lived, I've walked alone at night. I've rarely found men that are anything but polite, although there are, of course, the usual boors and loudmouths. Then I've just left. I'm older now, but I don't feel invisible. People are even more polite, but I think that may be just Texas, the people here are unbelievably friendly. I've never felt (in my younger days) that the lack of catcalling and harassment was because I was not physically attractive, really I never thought about it at all. I feel lucky for that.
4
As a fairly attractive, but certainly not beautiful, woman who recently left NYC after nearly 30 years, I can tell you that cat-calling and aggressive attention is very common in men in NYC. Throughout my 20s and 30s, I vividly remember trying to "dress down" because I found the attention so unpleasant.
I do think this is more prevalent in NYC, possibly because it's so crowded and such a free-for-all environment (not to mention all the walking and little driving many there do). Being leered at or even groped on the subway is something many NYC women can relate to.
I do think this is more prevalent in NYC, possibly because it's so crowded and such a free-for-all environment (not to mention all the walking and little driving many there do). Being leered at or even groped on the subway is something many NYC women can relate to.
2
This evoked just one thought: we are such products of our social and cultural conditioning. It's practically impossible to stand and live free of it. But the truth remains that the human spirit has a power and reality and needs beyond the humdrum din of the everyday social world which is constructed largely by humans of humdrum quality. Poets and spiritual seers, over the ages, have written about the struggle to keep their deepest impulses alive, to resist society's easy and ultimately unfulfilling traps. Love and attraction are sensibilities that are dimensions distant from the eminently shallow one-dimensional male gaze. You're looking for recognition in the wrong place, from the wrong source.
5
I would venture to say that every person knows the sense if not the experience of being excluded and everyone has experienced some personal anxiety about it. Civilizations and culture ultimately begin with the tribe and the most severe penalty any society establishes short of death is exclusion, exile, banishment, shunning. But, we all live with the paradox of having to "individuate," to establish a personal, autonomous identity separate from the bond of attachment that secures our survival. In this period of intense reexamination of the meaning of identity and otherness, particularly those ascribed by society's construction of category, I choose not to accept such attribution and instead identify with those whose philosophical and spiritual conception supports the concept of no self, impermanence and emptiness. I am a Buddhist and believe that everyone, regardless of phenotype or form exhibits basic goodness that cannot be alienated or distorted, only obscured.
1
This column seems to start from the standpoint that all men without exception are harassers of women. That the "male gaze" is inherently one of lustfulness, of sexuality, of wanting sex from a woman under any and all circumstances, assuming she is attractive.
I truly hope that there are some women out there who don't see, and prejudge, men in this way. Because, speaking as one, I can assure you that we aren't. Now, isn't it possible that the "male gaze" can also be something comforting, reassuring, even uplifting, and not always something sexual? I hope so.
I truly hope that there are some women out there who don't see, and prejudge, men in this way. Because, speaking as one, I can assure you that we aren't. Now, isn't it possible that the "male gaze" can also be something comforting, reassuring, even uplifting, and not always something sexual? I hope so.
2
I didn't get that at all from this article.
As a woman, I can tell you that not all women see all men like that. I'm middle aged now and I have fond memories of some very pleasant and respectful compliments from men (and women) and occasionally I'll still get a nice comment about a new hairstyle, a color that looks good on me etc.
There are a lot of people out there (men and women) who find beauty in nature, art, people etc. and who know how to express that appreciation.
As a woman, I can tell you that not all women see all men like that. I'm middle aged now and I have fond memories of some very pleasant and respectful compliments from men (and women) and occasionally I'll still get a nice comment about a new hairstyle, a color that looks good on me etc.
There are a lot of people out there (men and women) who find beauty in nature, art, people etc. and who know how to express that appreciation.
12
For example: "Recently, the popular feminist Jessica Valenti published a memoir titled “Sex Object,” which focuses on the toll the “male gaze” has taken on her. She wrote an article on this theme for this paper, “What Does a Lifetime of Leers Do to Us?” Valenti describes a life of sexual harassment beginning at adolescence. She writes of what seems like countless instances of men exposing themselves to her on the New York City subway. She describes constantly thwarting unwanted advances from men in all areas of her life. Valenti currently has a 5-year-old daughter, and she wrestles for a way to prepare her child for an onslaught of male harassment. She takes for granted that this will happen."
1
@David: Ms. Valenti was reporting her personal experience. Are you saying she made it all up?
The notion of feeling "invisible" is for me at the heart of this article. No woman wants to be the object of aggressive male behavior (I've never understood why men don't realize that it's a surefire way to push a woman away) but all women want to be recognized for being women. I'm sure it's the same for men. But there are legions of us who go through our lives as Persons, not neutered, not gendered, just there. Our sexualness is discounted and experienced by others as "less than" but it exists and we mourn it's invisibility.
9
J. Bartlett is pretty insightful about female sexuality. It is amazing that researchers try to study female desire by getting subjects under study to look at pictures of men when some of us understand that it is our objectification which we desire or pictures of our objectification. Well JB I miss it too! Part of being middle aged. I remember what it was like to walk down the street. My sister and I would count who would get the most 'looks.' Well not any more. And life goes on. That was only a little part of it. And you have to wonder about celebrities who are so looked at that it becomes a perversion in itself.
4
Thank you for a rarely discussed topic. I am not disabled but am well familiar with judgment and shame that comes when under the male gaze and when invisible to it. As a teenager and young college woman, I often felt dismissed as plain and undesirable. In some instances, boys and men felt perfectly comfortable openly critiquing my appearance - my acne, my thin hair, my weight. I understood, despite my mother's insistance that looks didn't matter, that it was appearance by which most women are first judged and through which opportunities are presented. By my 30s and 40s, I had altered my appearance through intense exercise and diet, and costly investments in maintaining stylish hair, makeup and clothes. I also spent several thousand dollars on a breast reduction. What resulted was just as hurtful, the routine objectification, often inappropriately time, crude, vulgar, or unprofessional. The message is still the same. My value was tied to my worth. Of course by this time, I had gained career and a better income but I knew for a fact that my greatly "improved" appearance played a role.
I am now in my early 50s and married. I am considered attractive for my age but am now among the invisible. I admit that occasionally I miss the deference paid to me by some men (and even women) when they interact with an attractive woman. Mostly though, I am just relieved of the stress of having to deal with the male gaze.
I am now in my early 50s and married. I am considered attractive for my age but am now among the invisible. I admit that occasionally I miss the deference paid to me by some men (and even women) when they interact with an attractive woman. Mostly though, I am just relieved of the stress of having to deal with the male gaze.
6
Thank you for writing such a well written and thoughtful article addressing different sides of an issue which can be so distressing to women from a variety of different angles . We were in Rome and going out to dinner . My almost 13 yr old daughter put on a pretty dress not the least provocative . The amount of cat calls and hand motions from men was so distressing that immediately after dinner she refused to continue out on our evening until she could go back home and change into a baggy t-shirt and jeans. It was another year or so before she felt strong enough to be able to ignore the attention she got just for "walking while female" . Yet, on the other side the author very accurately expresses the feeling that occur when as a female, one becomes invisible to others . This obviously can occur at any point of a woman's life but mostly occurs when she ages. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be a female in our society. Sometimes it seems we are "targets" no matter how we look or how we behave. Thank you again for the wonderfully written piece.
3
This will cause me to ponder for some time. At first I thought the invisibility is similar to the invisibility of old people. Is this all a biological thing related to reproduction? Or is it that humans are afraid of things they find "different"? We reject people whose religions are different, who have different skin colors etc. As a teenager I found the whistles and comments scarey and thrilling. I was being judged as "attractive" but there was always a threat there as well.
1
I watched my mother, who walked on crutches and then rode in a wheelchair after age 50, become more and more invisible as time went on. When I was little I remember little kids asking their moms, when they saw her in the grocery store or on the street, "What's wrong with that lady?" Only to have the moms shush them and yank them hurriedly away so as not to offend or bother this poor woman. And after she went to a wheelchair it was the norm that sales clerks would look over her head to me and ask some question about what my mother wanted or needed, as though she were incapable of hearing or answering for herself. I always redirected them to her. "Why don't you ask her?" I learned early growing up with my mother, physically disabled from polio at the age of three, how ill-prepared we as a society are for dealing with and including those with disabilities. We may no longer hide those affected behind doors and in institutions, as was more the norm when she was young, but we are still taught to avert our gaze.
7
She is adult, human and heterosexual. So it is natural she longs for the [appreciative] male gaze. The lack thereof is a natural frustration. She does seem to equate the appreciative male gaze to sexual harassment. That's troubling. But the bottom line is one for understanding. About 15 years ago, I worked in an office with a woman with [I assume] cerebral palsy. On mornings she regularly talked w (maybe more correctly flirted with) a male security guard. Her coworkers viciously wagged tongues. I noticed it but was of the mindset: " so what. People flirt. She's no different than anyone else. And given her disability she probably doesn't get a lot of male attention." I hope people think about content of character rather than the rest when it comes to romance. that seems to be a rare thought in starting dating relationships.
3
I have followed Ms Bartlett's painting career since the early 80s and am a huge fan. Therefore I am all the more surprised to learn of her condition and that I had never heard about this before. Although we are in at least one major collection together obviously I'm not in her personal circles and have never researched this aspect of her life—although at one point I was told her output was limited because of health issues.
Her narrative brings to mind conflicting issues. As an artist we ultimately want to know why success or popularity came to be. Was it simply the quality of our work or was there an initial boost from who we know, who our parents are, or was success due to sexual or physical features? I know male and female artists who have leveraged sexuality to gain an advantage with galleries and collectors.
At the end of a career it would be nice to think our work was successful on its own merit. If that were not the case we would always second guess the results.
It can't be minimized that all of what we create is the result of who we are. Ms Bartlett's oeuvre is clearly the result of who she is including her CP. Ms Bartlett's story is heart wrenching and clearly it seems like a huge loss for her personally to have not fought off male advances. For those of us who have not enjoyed Ms Bartlett's artistic success we can only imagine what that experience would be like (and plus I don't turn heads.)
It seems we always want what we don't have.
Her narrative brings to mind conflicting issues. As an artist we ultimately want to know why success or popularity came to be. Was it simply the quality of our work or was there an initial boost from who we know, who our parents are, or was success due to sexual or physical features? I know male and female artists who have leveraged sexuality to gain an advantage with galleries and collectors.
At the end of a career it would be nice to think our work was successful on its own merit. If that were not the case we would always second guess the results.
It can't be minimized that all of what we create is the result of who we are. Ms Bartlett's oeuvre is clearly the result of who she is including her CP. Ms Bartlett's story is heart wrenching and clearly it seems like a huge loss for her personally to have not fought off male advances. For those of us who have not enjoyed Ms Bartlett's artistic success we can only imagine what that experience would be like (and plus I don't turn heads.)
It seems we always want what we don't have.
2
Dear Maak,
Sorry but you've made an understandable error. There is a Jennifer Bartlett who is an accomplished painter; this Jennifer Bartlett is an accomplished poet. Not that uncommon a name, apparently.
Sorry but you've made an understandable error. There is a Jennifer Bartlett who is an accomplished painter; this Jennifer Bartlett is an accomplished poet. Not that uncommon a name, apparently.
1
As a teen growing up in a somewhat gritty ex-urban community, I intentionally hid from male gaze. My clothes were oversized and intentionally dowdy, and I learned to avert my own eyes to avoid unwanted attention. To be "seen" as I wanted to be seen (a girl with a brain) I had to be unseen as a sexual object.
My son was diagnosed with high-functioning Aspergers as a child, though where (or whether) he stands on the spectrum now is an open question. I only know that I don't view him as disabled.
They told us when he was in preschool that the goal of intervention wasn't cure, but "invisibility." I never quite understood why that was so important, until he got older and we started to understand how many opportunities our child would not have if we did not actively manage how he was seen. One private school coldly rejected him on the basis of his label without so much as an interview. He went on to another private school, where he has done beautifully without any accommodations or supports. Temple Grandin says that many Aspies in Silicon Valley dodge the label for fear of being "ghettoized."
At the end of the day, all any of us can do is to know who we are and to learn the art of selective disclosure.
My son was diagnosed with high-functioning Aspergers as a child, though where (or whether) he stands on the spectrum now is an open question. I only know that I don't view him as disabled.
They told us when he was in preschool that the goal of intervention wasn't cure, but "invisibility." I never quite understood why that was so important, until he got older and we started to understand how many opportunities our child would not have if we did not actively manage how he was seen. One private school coldly rejected him on the basis of his label without so much as an interview. He went on to another private school, where he has done beautifully without any accommodations or supports. Temple Grandin says that many Aspies in Silicon Valley dodge the label for fear of being "ghettoized."
At the end of the day, all any of us can do is to know who we are and to learn the art of selective disclosure.
12
I am disturbed by some of the older women commenting that they too miss being sexually harassed by strange men. I am currently 23 and frequently get harassed. With some regularity, I get followed by a man. Most of the time, this is when I am walking home alone at night. I don't feel empowered by the vulgar things he says. I am fearful for my safety to the point where I have sought refuge with random doormen, which usually is enough to get the men to retreat.
I look forward to the day when I can go out and not worry that my rejection of a man's unwanted advances will lead to him physically harming me. I hope that my future daughter will not have to endure what I have.
What does it say about women today that *not* being sexually harassed is disempowering? Why do we need strange men to validate our beauty? This is what is most concerning to me.
I look forward to the day when I can go out and not worry that my rejection of a man's unwanted advances will lead to him physically harming me. I hope that my future daughter will not have to endure what I have.
What does it say about women today that *not* being sexually harassed is disempowering? Why do we need strange men to validate our beauty? This is what is most concerning to me.
170
I have never felt harassed when men make comments on the street. I've never been given what I consider a "sexual" comment. A lot of "great legs", "nice smile", "DAMN!", "you look good". Occasional winks and whistles. It feels nice to be noticed and it never offends me or feels "bad". I think women who miss attention miss that kind of attention. Like today, a man said "Damn" and gave me a big smile. He didn't creep after me, follow me or say anything lewd. Totally not threatening and kind of made my day. I like to know someone thinks I look good! I put effort into my appearance.
I've never been followed or had anyone make lewd/overtly sexual comments. That would be disturbing. And not at all empowering.
I've never been followed or had anyone make lewd/overtly sexual comments. That would be disturbing. And not at all empowering.
2
It's not about being harassed. That sucks. Older women get treated like they're ugly.
All the special treatment you probably get now: Men opening doors, smiles on the street, men buying you drinks, men helping you carry things, smiles from sales people, friendly nods. Those all cease. You get treated like a homeless person.
All the special treatment you probably get now: Men opening doors, smiles on the street, men buying you drinks, men helping you carry things, smiles from sales people, friendly nods. Those all cease. You get treated like a homeless person.
6
I wondered much the same thing reading the comments here. Is it a generational issue, I wonder? Did women in the 1960s/70s accept "boys will be boys" in a way that the younger generation refuses (rightly!) to accept?
2
Unfortunately, I had experiences like the friend, sexually harassed starting at the age of 11 and continuing until I apparently reached some magical age of non-attractiveness - in my case around 40 or so.
Ah the blessedness of being deemed unattractive by virtue of getting older. In my 40's I was occasionally harassed my men my own age, who took pains to let me know how old and unattractive I now was. I tend to look younger than my actual age. I found that younger men assumed I'm their age. Older men knew I'm older than I appear.
Very rarely some guy *decades* younger than me will hit on me, leaving me startled and bewildered (what's that all about?) Men much older than me will "hug" me and cop a feel.
But for the most part I can now move through life totally ignored by the male of species. I don't know how I would have felt being completely ignored by the male of the species, but I do know I could have done without the complete and total harassment and unrelenting onslaught I endured in NYC, including men exposing themselves to me, catcalling at me, and masturbating in front of me on subways - I was only a teen back then.
I consider that kind of behavior by men to be bullying and I had a basic distrust of all men.
Ah the blessedness of being deemed unattractive by virtue of getting older. In my 40's I was occasionally harassed my men my own age, who took pains to let me know how old and unattractive I now was. I tend to look younger than my actual age. I found that younger men assumed I'm their age. Older men knew I'm older than I appear.
Very rarely some guy *decades* younger than me will hit on me, leaving me startled and bewildered (what's that all about?) Men much older than me will "hug" me and cop a feel.
But for the most part I can now move through life totally ignored by the male of species. I don't know how I would have felt being completely ignored by the male of the species, but I do know I could have done without the complete and total harassment and unrelenting onslaught I endured in NYC, including men exposing themselves to me, catcalling at me, and masturbating in front of me on subways - I was only a teen back then.
I consider that kind of behavior by men to be bullying and I had a basic distrust of all men.
29
Thank you for sharing this. I recognize my privilege in experiencing the most common and understood negative effects of the male gaze, but all if it, the weird looks of pitylust and confusion, all if it is part of the idea that men look at we are looked at. It must be very difficult to experience sexism from your perspective thank you for writing about it so eloquently.
1
One of the reasons I enjoy visiting Europe is that the women who live there are generally much more attractive than their American counterparts. Not because they are more naturally beautiful but it is the way they present themselves. For example, usually the only obese people you see in Europe are tourists. Secondly. Europeans dress better. It is not unusual to see a woman riding a bicycle wearing a skirt and high heels. You almost never encounter the type of sloppy dress that the typical Wal-Mart shopper wears in our country.
6
Yep, the same goes for European men. Much better dressed and quite often with much better manners.
11
Give me a break
11
Great example of male entitlement.
Yes, sir, it is somehow your pre-ordained right to travel the world making judgments on the appearance of women, and to draw sweeping generalizations comparing the women of one country to those of another.
Just as it is somehow your pre-ordained right that others will be interested in your opinion, so that of course it's only a kindness on your part -- a bit of noblesse oblige -- when you deign to share it with others on this board.
Yes, sir, it is somehow your pre-ordained right to travel the world making judgments on the appearance of women, and to draw sweeping generalizations comparing the women of one country to those of another.
Just as it is somehow your pre-ordained right that others will be interested in your opinion, so that of course it's only a kindness on your part -- a bit of noblesse oblige -- when you deign to share it with others on this board.
9
Ms. Bartlett, you have spoken a great truth. People will - and should - use every tool in the kit as fuel to propel our journies through life: brain power, industry, visual appeal and all manner of charm.
I am a woman with orthopedic problems that result in mobility limitations, ackward posture and a pecular gait. I have never been hit on in the workplace or oogled on the street. I'm OK with that. I am less OK with more perfect women who will not acknowledge that sensuality, even sensuality on public display, is a piece of life's tapestry.
I am a woman with orthopedic problems that result in mobility limitations, ackward posture and a pecular gait. I have never been hit on in the workplace or oogled on the street. I'm OK with that. I am less OK with more perfect women who will not acknowledge that sensuality, even sensuality on public display, is a piece of life's tapestry.
3
I don't know that all "able bodied" women feel the pain of harassment on an equal basis. Naturally women who dress provocatively would tend to be more prone to the catcalls. I imagine that at first most women appreciate the attention they garner. This feeling obviously changes when those same women realize that they are nothing in the eyes of the savage like men who make those comments. All I can say is that if a women wants to limit this type of offensive behavior she should dress more modestly.(and try to ignore he savages....)
1
This is a completely backwards and insulting comment. Why is the onus on women to proactively prevent inappropriate behavior from men? As a society, we need to instill in boys and men that it is NOT ok to sexually harass women. And men need to self-police. When they see sexual harassment they need to step in and tell other men that sexual harassment is not cool or OK.
And, for the record, I don't consider myself a provocative dresser by any reasonable standard and I am frequently harassed. I have been harassed wearing a business suit. I have been harassed wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I have been harassed while wearing a winter coat that goes to my knees, snow boats, a hat and scarf covering part of my face.
And, for the record, I don't consider myself a provocative dresser by any reasonable standard and I am frequently harassed. I have been harassed wearing a business suit. I have been harassed wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I have been harassed while wearing a winter coat that goes to my knees, snow boats, a hat and scarf covering part of my face.
12
I'm sorry but this assertion is from the stone age. I'm a man and I've been around enough of my gender to know that when a man acts like a jerk to a woman, it's usually because he's the jerk, regardless of how she's dressed.
And, if the woman is a stranger to him, just walking by, then he's the jerk 100% of the time. No exceptions!
And, if the woman is a stranger to him, just walking by, then he's the jerk 100% of the time. No exceptions!
11
Complaining about the way G-d made you is a no-win game. I never thought I was attractive and wished that women would throw themselves at me like they did to my friends. I have probably benefited from the fact that they didn't.
63
Talking about how you feel, what your experience is like, is not complaining.
1
G-d would be to blame for the whole mess, if only it was a real thing.
As a woman who is very overweight, I feel the same way. It's an impossible dichotomy - as a woman you will either be sexualized or marginalized. At different times in my life, I've lived with each, and neither one feels very good.
15
Ms. Bartlett expresses an irony that ALL women face. The feminists, those "in the know", tell us that male attention is something we shouldn't want, need or welcome. However, nature, the larger power, tells us that when expressed properly and respectfully, male attention feels good!
21
I'm a feminist and I never heard a feminist say that women should not want, need or welcome male attention. But hey, feel free to twist feminism into any shape you want.
7
Articles, such as this one, make us all reflect about ourselves, and how fortunate it is not to be handicapped. We take it for granted. I feel sad for the author. However, the article brings awareness to a sensitive subject, unknown to most. It's difficult, as some men would not want to stare, thinking one's attention's been drawn, to the handicap. However, being a male, I for one, will make an effort, if presented with the appropriate situation, to smile at a female who is handicapped.....maybe it will make a difference.
5
NYT, I would like to request that you remove Richard Luettgen's comment re this article...and also his NYT-sanctioned "verified commentator" status. It would be good if he could collect scores of books of S&P (sadistic & puerile) stamps before he can be endorsed by you again.
21
Thank you! A very interesting perspective! I am embarrassed to say I never knew exactly what cerebral palsy was before -- I wonder if a bit of education about various types of disabilities in high school biology classes would make the general public more rational and sensitive in how they relate to people different than themselves? I am guessing that the mixture of shame and confusion, as well as lust, that you see in men is a symptom of not knowing if it's ok to feel attraction to someone they think could be mentally impaired. If they knew that was not the case, maybe they would feel more relaxed with their initial attraction. I would also point out that the online universe is such an artificial place -- how can the intangible feelings of lust, love and caring that begin a relationship really exist there? To me, those things are felt with the eyes, the touch.
2
We all become invisible to the opposite sex as we get older. And one of the compensations of age is that we no longer care.
24
Oh? I wish!
2
Ha! Tell that to the masses of women plotting to get their hands on the newly-available 50-ish Brad Pitt. Angelina, on the other hand, will not garner that kind of demand as she now fits within Warren Beatty's horrid but real in Hollywood statement, "Trade in a 40 y.o. woman for two 20 y.o. women."
1
Well yes and no Nancy R...we become more invisible re sex but not companionship.....
2
NYT is to be commended for the Disability feature in the Opinion Pages. A thoughtful and relevant inclusion.
18
As an inveterate reader of the NY Times editorials, and one who enjoys the ones that are, occasionally, "one off", this one provoked a long lost recollection and an up-to-date reappraisal of myself. In college, I went out on a date with a bright and pretty girl who almost immediately told me she had epilepsy. We had nice evening and then I gave her the "Irish" goodbye. There were so many "normal" girls out there to "conquer". Since then, in my adulthood, I have a relationship with a brilliant woman who has mild MS. Yes, she is extremely attractive, and yes she has a noticeable disability. I was most attracted by the almost ethereal beauty of her mind. Alas, a terrific employment opportunity took her away. Ms. Bartlett, I believe there are many men out there who look at a woman the way I do. You have written a very brave editorial.
10
This piece was interesting, moving, and insightful. Thank you, Ms. Bartlett.
8
Because we don't really know and are so confused about sexuality . . .
Because we really don't even know much about and are now getting quite confused about gender . . .
Because our ignorance and confusion are so "intimate" and so powerfully manipulated by overwhelming forces that are sometimes well meaning, but so often disfigured by varying degrees of exploitative or dominating intent . . .
Because we really don't know what we are talking or thinking about when considering our "humanity", our "identity", or our "selfhoods" . . .
And because this is such a thoughtful, provocative, and compassionate piece of writing . . .
I'm very glad this article was written, published, and that people are taking the time to think about it in the context of how we raise our children and face our future.
Because we really don't even know much about and are now getting quite confused about gender . . .
Because our ignorance and confusion are so "intimate" and so powerfully manipulated by overwhelming forces that are sometimes well meaning, but so often disfigured by varying degrees of exploitative or dominating intent . . .
Because we really don't know what we are talking or thinking about when considering our "humanity", our "identity", or our "selfhoods" . . .
And because this is such a thoughtful, provocative, and compassionate piece of writing . . .
I'm very glad this article was written, published, and that people are taking the time to think about it in the context of how we raise our children and face our future.
2
Successful reproduction is the prime directive for all living things. The dating game is driven by ancient, time-tested searching for clues about a prospective mate's ability to provide, protect and reproduce. Hundreds of scientific studies have shown this. Posture, attitude, height, facial symmetry, even smell provide strong subconscious cues to the dating mind, busy judging books by their covers. That is the very nature of all animal life, and we are not immune to it, just because we're the only ones to have created bars in which to meet others of our species.
The author's mind, not her book cover, is what we get to see in this piece, and it's obviously first-class. Unfortunately, in the dating game, the mind is the last thing to be appraised, not the first. Looks are often an immediate determinant, so the intellectual qualities of a prospective date are never discovered. One would suspect that the author's friends and acquaintances, once they had gotten to know her, have indeed found her to be very "attractive," despite her differing outward appearance.
It's unfortunate that we live in a world where, in some contexts, looks still matter more than minds, but that's not likely to change in the next 200,000 years of our species any more than it has in the first 200,000.
The author's mind, not her book cover, is what we get to see in this piece, and it's obviously first-class. Unfortunately, in the dating game, the mind is the last thing to be appraised, not the first. Looks are often an immediate determinant, so the intellectual qualities of a prospective date are never discovered. One would suspect that the author's friends and acquaintances, once they had gotten to know her, have indeed found her to be very "attractive," despite her differing outward appearance.
It's unfortunate that we live in a world where, in some contexts, looks still matter more than minds, but that's not likely to change in the next 200,000 years of our species any more than it has in the first 200,000.
20
"Nature, Mr. Allnut" is what we are put in this world to rise above."
7
Not too often I read something truly eye-opening. Thank you
7
It's hard to attribute any positive qualities to a man who would sexually harass anybody - it is always condemnable - but perhaps that's only possible because of the traditional ease with which women have been objectified and the many ways in which society has supported that.
Maybe it is only a simplistic, boneheaded conceptual reduction of the victim to a two-dimensional target free of the human complexity that inhabits all of us that allows stupid and casually predatory comments while someone with the appearance that the author describes displays some of that complexity and commands a little more respect from someone who doesn't even know he's capable of respectful behavior.
I haven't had the author's experience and this might just be wishful thinking on my part but we would treat each other better if we embraced all our differences as well as all of our profound sameness.
Maybe it is only a simplistic, boneheaded conceptual reduction of the victim to a two-dimensional target free of the human complexity that inhabits all of us that allows stupid and casually predatory comments while someone with the appearance that the author describes displays some of that complexity and commands a little more respect from someone who doesn't even know he's capable of respectful behavior.
I haven't had the author's experience and this might just be wishful thinking on my part but we would treat each other better if we embraced all our differences as well as all of our profound sameness.
3
Sounds familiar. The only African-American girl at a New England prep school dance, where none of the white boys would look at me once although I was 15 and skinny with nice clothes.
20
They don't know what they missed, I am sure.
1
Ms Bartlett,
Thank you for the article. I have had the pleasure of being a buddy for adaptive scuba divers. The life lesson for me is when I connected with the person, not their disability, it was a wonderful experience leading to some sincere friendships. If our paths should cross, I would happily look your direction. I wish you the best.
David
Thank you for the article. I have had the pleasure of being a buddy for adaptive scuba divers. The life lesson for me is when I connected with the person, not their disability, it was a wonderful experience leading to some sincere friendships. If our paths should cross, I would happily look your direction. I wish you the best.
David
13
Your essay is as beautiful as you are. Oddly, a woman over the age of 50 understands, because they are invisible, too. Post a picture in an online dating site and list your age as over 50. Then post it again and list it as 40. I did this. The number of "hits" you get at 40 is 10x what you get at 50, yet the men are the same age. Looking at men/women you find attractive (not leer, not stare) is a very human behavior, that when it's absent, you feel, well, inhuman.
21
I haven't felt beautiful since I was 20. At that age, a rare neuromuscular disease emerged and I became intermittently dependent on medications, braces, canes, crutches and wheelchairs. My self-consciousness became overwhelming.
Moreover, even if I dated a good-looking or well -onnected man, my peers and friends would tell me that it would be 'unfair' of me to burden a rising star with my impediment. Almost uniformly these women and men implied that my moral duty would be to remain single (and childless).
Fortunately, my life turned out differently than I expected. I married another woman and we've raised 4 children together. Being a spouse and parent has been one of the central joys of my life. But a deep self-consciousness haunts me: yesterday my 14 year old son handed me 25% off coupon for a local clothing store which he'd picked up earlier in the week. As he gave it to me, he said: 'you should go and buy something pretty." It was a noble, if cliched, gesture by an emergent young man. But my immediate internal response was: 'he can't think his disabled mother is pretty!' I almost asked him if he really though I beautiful sometimes. But I stopped myself; it was an unfair question to pose to a son of any age let alone a teen -aged youth.
The social climate surrounding disability means that people are always surprised that I'm employed, married and raising children. Even still, it saddens me that I never feel beautiful or sexy.
Moreover, even if I dated a good-looking or well -onnected man, my peers and friends would tell me that it would be 'unfair' of me to burden a rising star with my impediment. Almost uniformly these women and men implied that my moral duty would be to remain single (and childless).
Fortunately, my life turned out differently than I expected. I married another woman and we've raised 4 children together. Being a spouse and parent has been one of the central joys of my life. But a deep self-consciousness haunts me: yesterday my 14 year old son handed me 25% off coupon for a local clothing store which he'd picked up earlier in the week. As he gave it to me, he said: 'you should go and buy something pretty." It was a noble, if cliched, gesture by an emergent young man. But my immediate internal response was: 'he can't think his disabled mother is pretty!' I almost asked him if he really though I beautiful sometimes. But I stopped myself; it was an unfair question to pose to a son of any age let alone a teen -aged youth.
The social climate surrounding disability means that people are always surprised that I'm employed, married and raising children. Even still, it saddens me that I never feel beautiful or sexy.
183
As a former teen-aged boy myself, I wonder if Chloe was reading too much into her son's comment, "you should go buy yourself something pretty". Boys figure that women should buy clothes that are pretty, if only to complement their physical beauty (while guys only buy clothes that are functional and practical). Chloe of course knows her son best, but I would be doubtful that he was assuming that a pretty blouse would change her from being plain to pretty. More likely, he was probably criticizing, if anything, his mother's taste in clothes, which would not surprise me as being plain, particularly if she doesn't have a pretty image of herself. Please, Chloe, take this opportunity to go out and buy yourself some pretty clothes, which you probably do need.
2
I don't know your son, but as a daughter, that remark may have filtered in a fractured way through your particular lens. Had I said such a thing to my own mother, it would have been an expression of affection, that she was worth having something pretty to wear and may enjoy it, rather than as a disparagement of her looks or physical abilities. Just a thought.
6
It sounds like your son's gift came out of love. He didn't say "go buy something to MAKE yourself look pretty" but rather he wanted you to have something pretty to match his feelings for you. He sounds like a really nice young man who loves his mom.
3
It must be hard to go through life worrying about how people see you or ignore you. Age may change that.
5
I'm working at a new job for a company and that they both in Brooklyn; last night I was in the breakroom and there were two employees in wheelchairs watching the news while others sat at the tables, conversing. I stood near the TV; eventually, I made a comment, and soon I was engaged in a pleasant conversation with one of them. I remember thinking that he seemed to be waiting to chat with someone but was used to being ignored. Then the other one, a woman, chimed in, and soon the three of us were having a normal chit chat with each other. I noticed that she was quite pretty and that they were both making interesting conversation with me. I remember being aware of how my preconceptions were so wrong and how easily it is for me to assume that their wheelchair-bound status put them outside of society and labeled them as uninteresting, possibly even unable to participate in casual breakroom conversation. Slightly humbling to realize how wrong I was.
136
Another misconception: They are not "bound" to their wheelchairs. They are wheelchairs users, a mode of transportation.
2
This is very true. Unfortunately large swathes of society have little to no experience engaging with disabled persons, and so they become very 'uncomfortable' around them and don't know how to treat them or engage with then, when in most instances (barring the person's having a completely separate mental disability), you engage with people in wheelchairs no differently than you would a person using a cane, crutches, or none of these things.
And while we are on the subject of women longing for the male gaze, while it's hard for some of us to pity really beautiful young women, it can go all ways. I grew up with shallow ideas and notions, that other girls/women were to be viewed with skepticism...as competition...as things to be jealous of and try to bring down via mean looks, comments, etc. A horrible way for girls/women to be. Cut to when I was older and wiser. I realized that for certain beautiful women, especially if they are reserved or shy, they are often the brunt of catty behavior and attitudes from other women. What a lonely experience that must be! In the past, I made all kinds of assumptions about certain beautiful girls/women...been jealous of them...purposefully not smiled or engaged with them, etc. But then I began doing the opposite, and thinking of them as 'just another girl/woman'. I noticed that in most instances, these girls/women were extremely sweet...and I think 'surprised' by kindness from a strange female. Which when you think about it, is sad.
And while we are on the subject of women longing for the male gaze, while it's hard for some of us to pity really beautiful young women, it can go all ways. I grew up with shallow ideas and notions, that other girls/women were to be viewed with skepticism...as competition...as things to be jealous of and try to bring down via mean looks, comments, etc. A horrible way for girls/women to be. Cut to when I was older and wiser. I realized that for certain beautiful women, especially if they are reserved or shy, they are often the brunt of catty behavior and attitudes from other women. What a lonely experience that must be! In the past, I made all kinds of assumptions about certain beautiful girls/women...been jealous of them...purposefully not smiled or engaged with them, etc. But then I began doing the opposite, and thinking of them as 'just another girl/woman'. I noticed that in most instances, these girls/women were extremely sweet...and I think 'surprised' by kindness from a strange female. Which when you think about it, is sad.
2
Ms Bartlett's column is infuriating.
It infuriates me that she has to put up with cerebral palsy,
... that she is treated as she is,
... that women are treated as they are,
... and that we cannot remove her affliction.
To Ms Bartlett, courage! Onward!
It infuriates me that she has to put up with cerebral palsy,
... that she is treated as she is,
... that women are treated as they are,
... and that we cannot remove her affliction.
To Ms Bartlett, courage! Onward!
8
This is a courageous and thought-provoking essay. What's particularly troubling to me is the sheer number of crude, mean-spirited, and insensitive men the author has encountered. I was raised to be respectul of women always, and it shocks me whenever I hear about members of my gender who behave toward women like uncivilized brutes.
12
Ms. Bartlett, you are not alone. All women, no matter how attractive they once were, begin to vanish from the male gaze; most notice it around the age of 45, some sooner, some later.
For those of us who once had it, unwanted, and find it missing, it's both mourned as proof that we're older and undesirable and welcomed relief.
For those of us who once had it, unwanted, and find it missing, it's both mourned as proof that we're older and undesirable and welcomed relief.
125
Rebecca: at 54, I totally concur! I've been attractive all of my life, and while I never felt like I was in real danger from catcalling men, I did find them irritating. But now, when I very occasionally (and at a distance) still get catcalls or whistles, I feel like, "Hey, I've still go it!" Becoming invisible as you age is both sad and liberating.
2
But Rebecca, there's a difference between vanishing from the male gaze and never having experienced it at all.
8
Rebecca,
that was stated so well!
that was stated so well!
Thanks for sharing your moving account of living with your condition. I cannot imagine a man who actually took the time to get to know you in person not being wildly attracted to you.
I am sure that dealing with leers and crude remarks must be a real drag for many women. I have also had the thought that someday, as a result of the aging process, they will no longer have deal with it, and how will they feel then? Will it be similar to the way I felt when a beautiful young woman first addressed me as "Sir"?
Something is gained, but something else, always taken for granted, is lost.
I am sure that dealing with leers and crude remarks must be a real drag for many women. I have also had the thought that someday, as a result of the aging process, they will no longer have deal with it, and how will they feel then? Will it be similar to the way I felt when a beautiful young woman first addressed me as "Sir"?
Something is gained, but something else, always taken for granted, is lost.
7
so many women, professionals among them, as are many avid in their feminism or rabid in their declarations of disdain or hatred for men, still, have expressed within range of these ears, the same interest in the same kind of attention, notice, from men, even excusing the occasional attempt, when out singly, of a man to engage.
what is that? inclusion? in what? appreciation? of what? (forget harrasment, forget the "wrong man"
exclusions) what?
what is that? inclusion? in what? appreciation? of what? (forget harrasment, forget the "wrong man"
exclusions) what?
1
Bartlett's article seems initially like one women should address since it's quite difficult, even with a well developed theory of mind, to divine what other people are really going through with their gender &/or disability. From my male perspective hetero-normative difficulties with strangers and even friends are as much about this ambivalence or ambiguity that Bartlett expresses as about only unwanted attention or being ignored. By the end of the article, she finds herself in a non-binary condition that the men and women around her are trying desperately to maintain as binary. This is a point that the LGBT community has been making for years. From my human perspective, thanks to Bartlett for revealing the complexity of our common condition.
2
Men have their own handicap, it is an overwhelming desire to reproduce. It is hardwired into our genes. With the result being regular boorish behavior.
It is such an overpowering drive in men, that young virgins sometime choose to blow themselves up so they can have sex in the after world.
Unfortunately the male sex drive is triggered primarily visually. Fortunately sex has very little to do with love. And I do know, that there are plenty of loving men who would jump at the opportunity to share their life with an intelligent capable beautiful woman, even if the beauty is internal.
Side note, for all the complaining some women do about boorish male behavior, my experience is that most of those women would be equally upset if they weren't getting the attention.
fwa
It is such an overpowering drive in men, that young virgins sometime choose to blow themselves up so they can have sex in the after world.
Unfortunately the male sex drive is triggered primarily visually. Fortunately sex has very little to do with love. And I do know, that there are plenty of loving men who would jump at the opportunity to share their life with an intelligent capable beautiful woman, even if the beauty is internal.
Side note, for all the complaining some women do about boorish male behavior, my experience is that most of those women would be equally upset if they weren't getting the attention.
fwa
76
We men do not have an "overwhelming desire to reproduce". Compared to women, most of us have a stronger immediate desire to have sex when we see an attractive relatively young person of the opposite sex (if we're straight) or an attractive relatively young person of the same sex (if we're gay) or either (if we're bi). By contrast, women (at least in my experience) have a stronger desire to reproduce, i.e., a conscious wish to become pregnant and have children.
7
FW Armstrong, if the desire is to reproduce, then men should stick around and raise the result of reproduction.
Boorish behavior is about a lot of things, but it's not really about reproduction at all, is it.
Boorish behavior is about a lot of things, but it's not really about reproduction at all, is it.
15
Mansplaining comment of the day!
13
Without the fiery energy of lust the world would certainly be a different place.
Bottom line ladies we are all animals after all.
When i look back on my life the time, energy and money spent pursuing sexual satisfaction could have been better spent raising roses.
Women complain, but if men could ever wake from their sexual stupors and realize the slavery endured because of their sexual desires, well the world would be a different place.
The desire for sex if viewed objectively has to be the most counterproductive force in the universe. Over population, wars and greed would all subside if i did not look at you.
So maybe the Garden of Eden story just goes on and on until?
Bottom line ladies we are all animals after all.
When i look back on my life the time, energy and money spent pursuing sexual satisfaction could have been better spent raising roses.
Women complain, but if men could ever wake from their sexual stupors and realize the slavery endured because of their sexual desires, well the world would be a different place.
The desire for sex if viewed objectively has to be the most counterproductive force in the universe. Over population, wars and greed would all subside if i did not look at you.
So maybe the Garden of Eden story just goes on and on until?
7
An outstanding, sensitive discussion. Many thanks.
6
Great article. I have friends handicapped because they were in wrecks and then went from having men whistle at them to being ignored in their wheelchairs. I do have some friends who married, but most are unmarried because men want a perfect woman. Women will marry an imperfect man. As a child I was always picked up by everyone because of my looks. As a teenager and adult, I was kissed on the street by strangers, stopped in traffic, and always thought of as beautiful. Now I am old, and no longer get the attention but that is OK.
7
What a strange premise to bemoan dehumanization via ableism vs. sexism/patriarchy. Why compare the two and say that sexual harassment is preferable because it assumes a sense of passing as "normal"? Why are both not equally intolerable? What difference does it make if a man's comments are pitying or sexual as he dehumanizes you by discussing your form?
Liking when men look at you is a very different thing than enjoying street or online harassment. It is one thing to feel good about receiving attention because someone finds you attractive and quite another to be threatened because men see you as a sexual object rather than a person.
Liking when men look at you is a very different thing than enjoying street or online harassment. It is one thing to feel good about receiving attention because someone finds you attractive and quite another to be threatened because men see you as a sexual object rather than a person.
117
I agree that BOTH are unacceptable or SHOULD be in our warped culture. Fantastic & provacative article Jennifer. Bravo! Come to Berkeley, where you may not be ignored so often...
"Am I blessed to be sexually invisible and given a reprieve from something that has troubled women for centuries? Is there a freedom in not having to be privy to the struggles of the typical woman?"
There's an easy way to get an answer to these questions. Ask a "typical woman" who is 64 years old, like me.
When I was young, I was constantly propositioned and leered at by men without in any way inviting that kind of attention. I felt that the world was full of predators. I often felt disrespected, diminished and fearful.
Now, because I'm old, I'm invisible to predatory men and treated like a human being by the rest. I much prefer it.
There's an easy way to get an answer to these questions. Ask a "typical woman" who is 64 years old, like me.
When I was young, I was constantly propositioned and leered at by men without in any way inviting that kind of attention. I felt that the world was full of predators. I often felt disrespected, diminished and fearful.
Now, because I'm old, I'm invisible to predatory men and treated like a human being by the rest. I much prefer it.
209
Hear hear! I was constantly harassed, sometimes physically, when I lived in NYC in the late 1970s. I moved to SF in the early 80s and lived in a gay neighborhood, which was such a relief. Still, at social gatherings, men would be very insistent and there were several times when they followed me down the street. One threatened to call the cops on me when I spurned his affections. The amount of attention from strangers dropped to zero when I hit 35 and I could almost hear that chorus of angels singing. At 45, even friends stopped flirting with me. I was OK with that. I'm done, after a lifetime of people treating me as an entitlement and not a human being. That said, if you don't live it, you don't know it and that works both ways.
10
Thank you Jennifer for writing this honest and insightful piece. You do occupy a unique space and offer an important perspective.
Clearly as women our perceived value is often based on our physical appearance. It puts all of us in a bind. We struggle for recognition through education and professional achievement only to realize that a large portion of the population finds those achievements ancillary and less important than our physical attributes.
I'm getting a bit older and the male gaze is becoming less frequent. My feelings about this are mixed. In many ways it is a great relief and I feel more freedom as I go through my day. On the other had I'm aware that I am becoming invisible and irrelevant to a large segment of the population.
Most telling is your observation of the "mixed lust and shame" you see in some men's eyes. These men instinctively find you attractive but at the same time feel shame for sexually objectifying someone with a disability. By extension they must realize this objectifying has a predatory element or they would not feel this shame when gazing on you, yet would have no problem doing the same to an able bodied woman.
Very interesting piece. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Clearly as women our perceived value is often based on our physical appearance. It puts all of us in a bind. We struggle for recognition through education and professional achievement only to realize that a large portion of the population finds those achievements ancillary and less important than our physical attributes.
I'm getting a bit older and the male gaze is becoming less frequent. My feelings about this are mixed. In many ways it is a great relief and I feel more freedom as I go through my day. On the other had I'm aware that I am becoming invisible and irrelevant to a large segment of the population.
Most telling is your observation of the "mixed lust and shame" you see in some men's eyes. These men instinctively find you attractive but at the same time feel shame for sexually objectifying someone with a disability. By extension they must realize this objectifying has a predatory element or they would not feel this shame when gazing on you, yet would have no problem doing the same to an able bodied woman.
Very interesting piece. Thank you for sharing your experience.
20
This was a very hard piece to keep reading because it does not depict society as we know it but the television society that the media wants us to believe exists. The Media could turn things around but that would cost them money, clicks, and readers. This will never change. So, we have to learn to live within this "Kardashian" society. Thanks- "Media".
2
I know from experience, women who wear burka are the most flirt.
You know why? They have nothing but their eyes to get attention from men and they use it.
If men are not looking at you with desire, you are not looking at them with desire either.
In order to be looked at certain way (when you want), you have to look at that person with the same.
There are, however, a lot of other information about how society treats with disable people and that is just plain wrong.
You know why? They have nothing but their eyes to get attention from men and they use it.
If men are not looking at you with desire, you are not looking at them with desire either.
In order to be looked at certain way (when you want), you have to look at that person with the same.
There are, however, a lot of other information about how society treats with disable people and that is just plain wrong.
3
A group of severely disabled people are brought daily to a community center that I visit. I often "talk to strangers" but have tried only a few times with members of the group. The author's views inspire me to try more lest I miss an "invisible" treasure like Ms. Bartlett.
10
This is a beautifully written, thoughtful column. Many thanks to the author.
9
That may have been one of the most thought provoking and beautifully written pieces I've ever read in these pages. It made me think in ways I haven't previously, and I like to think of my self as highly educated, inteligent and on top of this I'm in the medical field. There's so much to think about based on the authors experiences as she brings them to life.
13
This is a wonderful and touching piece. We tend to think of how women don't want their space to be violated and that it is a relatively black and white issue. But Bartlett sensitizes us to those who live feeling on the outside or, worse, who suffer from gaze aversion.
6
Frankly, when a man makes inappropriate sexual comments to a woman he IS NOT seeing her. He is treating her like an object with no soul inside. Your comparison lacks depth because it doesn't recognize that being ignored due to a "disability" is no different than being accosted because your basic humaneness is being ignored.
478
Being ignored is COMPLETELY different than being accosted, and "frankly," it's obvious you missed the entire point of this essay.
5
The title of this article is just awful. No one, anyone, longs for the "male gaze." I do not believe this writer understands the totality of the "male gaze." My immediate response to this piece, and, in particular, this comment: But I still would much rather have a man make an inappropriate sexual comment than be referred to in the third person or have someone express surprise over the fact that I have a career" is this: Ms. Bartlett, on this day of international piece, you can take every single man that has groped me, gawked at me, whistled at me, hit on me, stalked me, raped me, touched me, whispered in my ear, threw quarters at me, followed me to my car, followed me while I was driving, flashed me, asked me about my tanning habits, my hair habits, my yoga body habits, called me, messaged me, emailed me, texted me, took photos of me...all without my consent. You can have them all and the rest of them that will inevitably follow. None of us, male, female, bi, trans, queer, disabled, or abled, "long of the male gaze." A better article would have been arguing AGAINST BOTH FORMS OF HARASSMENT/TREATMENT. No one, anywhere, at at anytime, should be under the male gaze. Ever.
6
No, not necessarily. Some guys have a confident, quirky sense of humor and that's what works for them. I've seen friends have incredible success with that approach.
3
I had a friend who has CP. She did get married but I know that she had a very hard time in grade school when it came to friends of either sex. The predominant attitude was that being seen with her was a great way to get brownie points but being her friend was not. I would hear these people talking about her in such derogatory ways that I used to cringe.
From what you are saying here you are less severely affected than my friend was. I do understand how it feels to be ignored or marginalized. I am not handicapped. I was the school cootie and received much the same treatment. I think that it takes quite a lot of internal strength to understand why you might be ignored. I would hope that any male who tried to get to know you would see past your "symptoms" to the person you are. Isn't that what relationships are about: people interacting with people, discovering who the other is and rejoicing in the differences, and as things progress, perhaps learning to love?
I wish you luck and I hope you find someone to share your life. They will be lucky.
From what you are saying here you are less severely affected than my friend was. I do understand how it feels to be ignored or marginalized. I am not handicapped. I was the school cootie and received much the same treatment. I think that it takes quite a lot of internal strength to understand why you might be ignored. I would hope that any male who tried to get to know you would see past your "symptoms" to the person you are. Isn't that what relationships are about: people interacting with people, discovering who the other is and rejoicing in the differences, and as things progress, perhaps learning to love?
I wish you luck and I hope you find someone to share your life. They will be lucky.
28
Thank you Ms Bartlett for your candor and courage.
39
I ADMIRE The writer's courage in sharing her experiences as a person struggling with cerebral palsy and the male gaze.
26
That is well and good. However, you like the others mentioned in the article refer to her in the third person. These things are unconscious and insidious.
Now imagine if you were a man with a spastic gait and speech impediment who was not self described as beautiful. Your POF inbox would read zero messages and the opposite sex would look at you with nothing but pity and disdain.
177
Heck, you could leave out the first two deficiencies and the third one alone would result in that which you have described.
Women can be equally brutal as men.
Women can be equally brutal as men.
4
Your generalization is too broad. My love is a man who can barely walk and whose face was disfigured by cancer. I adore his beautiful heart and soul.
I want to applaud the author for her honesty and her careful attention to the details of her experience, as well as for sharing this experience in such a thoughtful way. Sexism is everywhere and is experienced differently by different bodies, especially when it intersects with ableism. A great essay!
16
It's a mixed bag to get attention it's flattering and frightening at times ,especially as we age,and as the world feels a little less safe .
Some Men never stop looking too much even when we are in our seventies ,then again I believe it would be painful if Not looked at in an approving way from Men.
I make it a point to compliment women friends because I think we need approval for how we look and it does not have to come from Men .
I have tried to give that to my children as they have grown up and now that they age .It's easy to see something beautiful in everyone.
Some Men never stop looking too much even when we are in our seventies ,then again I believe it would be painful if Not looked at in an approving way from Men.
I make it a point to compliment women friends because I think we need approval for how we look and it does not have to come from Men .
I have tried to give that to my children as they have grown up and now that they age .It's easy to see something beautiful in everyone.
9
When I was a boy, I used to be told often that I was very good looking. (I wasn't but there you go). Older boys, and sometimes older girls, women and men would hit on me. It never bothered me in the slightest, even when I lived in Florence as a young man and old, rather creepy guys would try to pick me up all the time.
Gradually, it became my turn to grow older and uglier. It wasn't long before nobody of any age or sex or gender was hitting on me, or even seeing me as a sexual being at all.
I too would rather be seen as a sexual object than to be dismissed as merely ageing and thereby invisible. But alas, such is life.
Gradually, it became my turn to grow older and uglier. It wasn't long before nobody of any age or sex or gender was hitting on me, or even seeing me as a sexual being at all.
I too would rather be seen as a sexual object than to be dismissed as merely ageing and thereby invisible. But alas, such is life.
105
I've had similar experiences throughout life as you - unwelcome advances from both men and women - too the point that I do not consider a complement about my appearance to be a complement at all, but rather something to put me on my guard. And they keep coming, despite age. One difference ... now the young men and ladies hold the door open for me, rather than the other way around. I'm kinda enjoying that!
2
thank you writer - well expressed and so very, basically, human. I feel your yearning.
13
First, thank you for sharing this thought provoking essay. I am now getting a taste, just a taste, of what you have experienced. As a 63 year old woman, I am becoming invisible to the assessing male gaze. For me, after an adulthood of experiencing the 'gaze', I find it incredibly liberating. Finally, I can see and be seen as a fellow human being first, and not as a sexual object. I can delve into a conversation with a man without the sexual noise that had been in the background throughout my younger years. There is power on both sides of this equation and now, I realize that I have been fortunate to have experienced both.
146
I agree. Being older and invisible is like having a super power. I feel like I move more freely about the world and get to enjoy watching and listening to my surroundings.
13
That was beautifully written and interesting to read. If you are not disabled it can be hard to fully understand the problems disabled people face. Some problems might not even cross your mind until disabled people tell you they exist. I would say that is especially true for the changes in the way people perceive you and act towards you if you are disabled.
Regarding your experiences with men, I would like to believe that in most cases their immediate withdrawal after you disclosed your disability was just because they didn't know what to expect and how to handle it. But I'm quite certain that some of them surely just wanted a quick hook up and didn't want to get, what in their eyes was, -- and it feels so wrong even writing it -- "damaged goods". A sadly common interpretation of disabilities in the minds of way too many people.
Society has a problem dealing with disabled people. Not only do a lot of people just don't know about the countless different types of disabilities, but oftentimes see a mental component when there really is none at all. The frustration that has to produce is certainly hard to understand for people who never experienced it.
What we need is more inclusion and more education regarding disabilities starting at very early age, before we learn to discriminate people because they are different.
Regarding your experiences with men, I would like to believe that in most cases their immediate withdrawal after you disclosed your disability was just because they didn't know what to expect and how to handle it. But I'm quite certain that some of them surely just wanted a quick hook up and didn't want to get, what in their eyes was, -- and it feels so wrong even writing it -- "damaged goods". A sadly common interpretation of disabilities in the minds of way too many people.
Society has a problem dealing with disabled people. Not only do a lot of people just don't know about the countless different types of disabilities, but oftentimes see a mental component when there really is none at all. The frustration that has to produce is certainly hard to understand for people who never experienced it.
What we need is more inclusion and more education regarding disabilities starting at very early age, before we learn to discriminate people because they are different.
114
My father referred to me as "damaged goods" when I was a beautiful, healthy girl in my 20's, "damaged" by the fact that I had sex outside marriage.
Your complex essay opens a window onto the social construction of disability, sexuality and sexual aggression. It helps me to imagine the loneliness and impotent rage that must result from frequently being dehumanized by people ignoring your presence by not looking at you and instead speaking to others about you in the third-person. Being purposefully, systematically ignored indeed may be more painful, as you suggest, than being forced to be the 'normal' object of sexual harassment. What distressing alternatives! Concrete stories such as yours provocatively reveal the variation of women's experiences. Problems that result from decades or centuries of socially constructed bigotry will not be eliminated in our lifetimes, struggle as we might against them, but we can find strength and comfort from those who know and love us in our full humanity. Thank you for sharing yours.
188
Your comment point out what I found problematic about the essay--being dehumanized for having a disability is not the opposite of being dehumanized (objectified) for being a woman. Being visible as a whole, complex person is the opposite of either case of dehumanization. It's unfortunate that the men who are catcalling and being disrespectful online and the people who are ignoring the writer can't manage that.
5
It helps me to imagine the loneliness and impotent rage that must result from frequently being dehumanized by people ignoring your presence by not looking at you and instead speaking to others about you in the third-person.
And now you also know how so many men feel
And now you also know how so many men feel
Alas, biology is not a social construction, though our rationality and early conditioning may allow us to some degree to overcome it, if not entirely.
Gutsy to write about this. Brava.
21
Thank you for such a thoughtful piece on the issue of the male gaze. The desire to be seen, is different from the fear of being exposed. The piece that she refers to about the feeling of assault from certain male gaze I think refers to the violence of Unwanted exposure. I perceive here The author rightfully speaks about societies fear and lack of understanding of disability. Most people take the body for granted until it breaks down, until there's pain. It's a shame it has to come to that. The desire for the gaze of the other may be universal. (Not the gawking or worse of the other, no one wants that.) As women age, no, as people age, we become invisible, not unlike the author. The indignity of invisibility is suffered in many forms. It happens in racism is well. It takes an open mind, and a willingness to read pieces such as the author's to wake up to the experiences of others. It takes sensitivity and sensibility to perceive societies' constructs as such. Our sense of beauty is changing, with the media showing all types of bodies, abilities, ages and races. We have to adjust our minds to this, and as we do so we'll all be better for it.
108
Helpful comment
What a thoughtful article. As a man, I am most likely guilty of looking at a woman with disability differently from one without -- and hadn't realized the toll it would have. But I take heart from the fact that messages on the dating site, although fewer, were more respectful. Perhaps the writers "objectified" the person less.
121
Thank you for making me think about issues I never thought about before. Keep writing!
8
Every woman should read this. I understand everything you have written though not from a disabled viewpoint but from that of an older woman.
I remember in the 60's walking by a construction site in NYC and the men stopped working and gathered to stare as I walked by. I was horrified. And, once I was walking in the hallway of a university when a male rushed out and said, "Wow. You have a great body."
You are right. It is empowering, but, guess what? It stops as you age. I became aware of being invisible when I was in my mid 50's. This didn't seem to be a gradual thing. It seemed to crash overnight. Twenty years later I am still baffled by it.
I am sorry you are experiencing this.You have a voice and you use it powerfully. You will awaken many and remind others of their loss.
I used to do pottery. On some cups I made I drew a gargoyle and wrote under it....Inside every gargoyle is a beautiful woman.
I remember in the 60's walking by a construction site in NYC and the men stopped working and gathered to stare as I walked by. I was horrified. And, once I was walking in the hallway of a university when a male rushed out and said, "Wow. You have a great body."
You are right. It is empowering, but, guess what? It stops as you age. I became aware of being invisible when I was in my mid 50's. This didn't seem to be a gradual thing. It seemed to crash overnight. Twenty years later I am still baffled by it.
I am sorry you are experiencing this.You have a voice and you use it powerfully. You will awaken many and remind others of their loss.
I used to do pottery. On some cups I made I drew a gargoyle and wrote under it....Inside every gargoyle is a beautiful woman.
329
Every man should read this, too!
5
Thank you for writing this. I was widowed in my late 50s. I, too, was attractive what one would call attractive when I was young. My late husband insisted to me on his death bed that I should find someone new. He had been the type of man who considered intelligence, sense of humor and common interests as well as physical attraction. He forgot we were the same age that he met me in my late teens when I was still what our society calls "hot." He also forgot that men in our society are usually narcissistic enough to only look at women younger than themselves ... usually much younger, meaning the men would even consider me would be nearing 70. Friends and relatives have made every recommendation under the sun for "meeting someone" and I even joined a senior dating service. In spite of keeping up my appearance, continuing to support myself (even buying myself a new home) and refusing to become bitter, very, very few men older than me are interested. I have resigned myself to enjoying good times and travel with a broad group of friends ranging in age and decided I don't need another man to look after as I myself get older. But the deliberate snubbing by the opposite sex hurts. I still have my pride.
7
I never, ever found it "empowering" to be stared at or to have some stranger comment on my body. I always felt acutely uncomfortable and resented that men felt the right to treat me like an object.
12
I was beautiful until age 54. I was so used to heads turning as I walked down the street that I hardly noticed it until it abruptly stopped when I got cancer and lost my hair and a quarter of my body mass.
Eventually I got healthy again and my hair grew back, but it was never the same, and the head that whipped around as I walked into a hospital in November of 2004 turned out to be the last one. Jennifer Bartlett, I get it and I thank you for saying it so eloquently.
Eventually I got healthy again and my hair grew back, but it was never the same, and the head that whipped around as I walked into a hospital in November of 2004 turned out to be the last one. Jennifer Bartlett, I get it and I thank you for saying it so eloquently.
436
Gosh you and the writer of this piece are sexually culturized in such an awful way. Run a business for more than two decades. Started another last year. Despite being sexually harrassed and - raped. Like so many women and yes, men, too. I've chronic and debilitating PTSD. Have for years. You can't see it yet it's there, all the time. Within the last few weeks my hometown has had to deal with a little 10 year old girl being raped, murdered and then dismembered. While her mother watched. Due to an attitude that also is displayed here. You are the reason you don't get asked out. Try Coffee Meets Bagel or join a Meetup Group that engages in something you'd like to learn or do. Or take a class. I know many women who've disabilities that have found love. Until you learn to love yourself as you are, you won't engage anyone. Beauty comes from the inside, not outside. Gray hair. What a load. Women with disabilities, women w/gray hair are beautiful. Comes from the inside. Sigh. Our collective society, men and women, have a long way to go. This piece disturbingly and creepily sets out just how far we all need to move forward. Sad, this.
4
From one WestSider to another, sorry about your cancer, but I'm pretty sure getting older does it with or without cancer.
5
Wow. It sounds like you want the companionship of a nice decent male who finds you attractive. Nice, decent men don't sexually harass women. Those men are ignorant losers - no one wants a loser. You're not missing out on anything not being leered at and harassed, it's terrible and the fact that you yearn for that kind of "male gaze" is disturbing. I was once young and beautiful now I'm 54 and going gray - loving it too. I've become invisible as far as men go and what a relief it is. I can walk down a street without being sexually harassed and groped. As a woman who has experienced both, I'll take being invisible.
Interesting about how once the men on the dating website found out you were disabled, that they were respectful. Before knowing that they were generally creepy. Why aren't all women worthy of respect? I guess that's too much to ask.
Interesting about how once the men on the dating website found out you were disabled, that they were respectful. Before knowing that they were generally creepy. Why aren't all women worthy of respect? I guess that's too much to ask.
637
Good points Moira, but keep in mind, there's plenty of us decent men who do think all women are worth of respect, and we treat them that way. We're just a lot less noticeable than the boorish losers.
24
That's sad.
Hi Jennifer,
How beautifully you have written - and how gently and respectfully you have allowed us to share in your reality.
I have great memories of you at the NM Supreme Court Library.
All best to you.
How beautifully you have written - and how gently and respectfully you have allowed us to share in your reality.
I have great memories of you at the NM Supreme Court Library.
All best to you.
4
Speaking as a member of the gender often vilified in these pages by the hypersensitive, the aggrieved and bitter, the never married or those victimized by their politics, your essay is refreshingly honest. I admire the curiosity and the spunk. Keep going. Stay true. It will happen for you. Eventually class wins out, dear lady.
9
We are both our bodies and minds each supportive and misleading.
At this stage of life my body fades and my mind while accepting it also denies this reality, but by allowing me to participate in life at a level youth rejected another satisfaction has entered.
I've lived without the hindrance the lifeline to your mother brought, but as I read and trust understood, your thought I realized while our bodies which direct so much of our lives through the years of reproduction and there is no recourse to the loss you may always question, your mind has awakened thoughts I never considered.
For what itis worth, thanks.
At this stage of life my body fades and my mind while accepting it also denies this reality, but by allowing me to participate in life at a level youth rejected another satisfaction has entered.
I've lived without the hindrance the lifeline to your mother brought, but as I read and trust understood, your thought I realized while our bodies which direct so much of our lives through the years of reproduction and there is no recourse to the loss you may always question, your mind has awakened thoughts I never considered.
For what itis worth, thanks.
1
At last. Thank you, Jennifer.
3
Dear Ms. Bartlett,
Thank you for providing insight into what must be a painful effect of having CP. I haven't been through that exact type of rejection and ostracizing, but I've had a lesser version of it from having been a nerdy kid, short, with glasses and no fashion sense, and too smart for many kids' comfort. With less impact, I have some experience with what you're talking about.
I also have some idea of the opposite effect. When I'd just gotten out of college and moved back to NYC, suddenly gay men in my neighborhood were hitting on me all the time, although not to the extent women have to put up with, no exposing or touching. It was annoying and sometimes infuriating.
I think there are positives and negatives in both situations. In yours, I'd say the positives are not only being untouched by lewd harassment (and many women would give a lot to have that), but that the romantic relationships you have will not be based on superficial beauty. Lots of people have to deal with relationships started by simple lust, and those don't end well. Lots also have to deal with having their attractiveness ebb, and they fight it, but it's an unwinnable fight.
Out of curiosity I found pictures of you online (ah, the wonders of the internet) and you are definitely beautiful. Your disability may stop most men from leering at you, but I think the ones you have relationships with will be the best kind of man, who will see you as you are. Good luck to you and thanks again.
Thank you for providing insight into what must be a painful effect of having CP. I haven't been through that exact type of rejection and ostracizing, but I've had a lesser version of it from having been a nerdy kid, short, with glasses and no fashion sense, and too smart for many kids' comfort. With less impact, I have some experience with what you're talking about.
I also have some idea of the opposite effect. When I'd just gotten out of college and moved back to NYC, suddenly gay men in my neighborhood were hitting on me all the time, although not to the extent women have to put up with, no exposing or touching. It was annoying and sometimes infuriating.
I think there are positives and negatives in both situations. In yours, I'd say the positives are not only being untouched by lewd harassment (and many women would give a lot to have that), but that the romantic relationships you have will not be based on superficial beauty. Lots of people have to deal with relationships started by simple lust, and those don't end well. Lots also have to deal with having their attractiveness ebb, and they fight it, but it's an unwinnable fight.
Out of curiosity I found pictures of you online (ah, the wonders of the internet) and you are definitely beautiful. Your disability may stop most men from leering at you, but I think the ones you have relationships with will be the best kind of man, who will see you as you are. Good luck to you and thanks again.
38
Mrs. Bartlett,
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I have been following this Disability Series closely and I must say, your piece resonated with me the most because not only do I too have Cerebral Palsy, but I have for many years and a part of me even now, has felt sexually undesirable to women. I always thought they looked at my crutches or my wheelchair and saw a burden and not boyfriend material. I always thought they conflated my physical disability with a mental one. Maybe they didn't, maybe they just didn't want to date me and hey, no woman owes me anything. But it didn't change the fact that I internalized their rejection in this way. I would also express shock whenever a woman I was interested in said they felt attracted to me despite my disability. I couldn't conceive of it because I always perceived my disability as burdensome. My current girlfriend is so supportive of me and my disability. She even sent me a video to help me get better at tying my shoes since I'm so dependent on Velcro. I hope one day you find someone if you haven't already, that thinks of you in those ways too. This writing was beauteous, heartfelt, emotionally resonant, and all around sublime Mrs. Bartlett. Thank you so much for writing it speaking as a man who only now these last few years, is really learning to love himself and believing women can love him in kind.
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I have been following this Disability Series closely and I must say, your piece resonated with me the most because not only do I too have Cerebral Palsy, but I have for many years and a part of me even now, has felt sexually undesirable to women. I always thought they looked at my crutches or my wheelchair and saw a burden and not boyfriend material. I always thought they conflated my physical disability with a mental one. Maybe they didn't, maybe they just didn't want to date me and hey, no woman owes me anything. But it didn't change the fact that I internalized their rejection in this way. I would also express shock whenever a woman I was interested in said they felt attracted to me despite my disability. I couldn't conceive of it because I always perceived my disability as burdensome. My current girlfriend is so supportive of me and my disability. She even sent me a video to help me get better at tying my shoes since I'm so dependent on Velcro. I hope one day you find someone if you haven't already, that thinks of you in those ways too. This writing was beauteous, heartfelt, emotionally resonant, and all around sublime Mrs. Bartlett. Thank you so much for writing it speaking as a man who only now these last few years, is really learning to love himself and believing women can love him in kind.
609
To FerrumIntellectus,
I enjoyed reading your sincere comments, but am troubled by your use of the honorific, "Mrs." when referring to the writer.
Since you don't appear to know the writer's marital status I'm curious why you would use the title "Mrs." when addressing her, instead of the non-specific "Ms." or even the old fashioned "Miss."
If you were going for respect, assuming that a woman is married does not achieve that end, but rather plays into the false notion that for a woman, marriage automatically gives her a higher status. It does not.
I enjoyed reading your sincere comments, but am troubled by your use of the honorific, "Mrs." when referring to the writer.
Since you don't appear to know the writer's marital status I'm curious why you would use the title "Mrs." when addressing her, instead of the non-specific "Ms." or even the old fashioned "Miss."
If you were going for respect, assuming that a woman is married does not achieve that end, but rather plays into the false notion that for a woman, marriage automatically gives her a higher status. It does not.
1
Why "Mrs.?" It may be praise that you intend, but it is degrading to assume all women to be married
C.C.
It has always been my understanding that Mrs. can denote both a married or a non-married woman. I am familiar with the other formal prefixes but this is the one I am accustomed to.
As for your musings on marriage, I wholly agree with you. Personally I find the whole institution to be rather antiquated and a pitiful barometer for a woman's worth. That said, I feel compelled to apologize for any offense I might have caused, for that wasn't my intention in the slightest.
It has always been my understanding that Mrs. can denote both a married or a non-married woman. I am familiar with the other formal prefixes but this is the one I am accustomed to.
As for your musings on marriage, I wholly agree with you. Personally I find the whole institution to be rather antiquated and a pitiful barometer for a woman's worth. That said, I feel compelled to apologize for any offense I might have caused, for that wasn't my intention in the slightest.
1
This is one of those columns where basically any response is wrong, and it's not because of the author's viewpoint.
The author says she lives in a state that's supposed to be a modern goal--to go anywhere and everywhere without fear of sexual harassment. And she doesn't like it.
Because it means that she is not seen as an object of desire--as a person who's sexually invisible because of her disability.
Bartlett gives us a lot to think about in this piece.
The author says she lives in a state that's supposed to be a modern goal--to go anywhere and everywhere without fear of sexual harassment. And she doesn't like it.
Because it means that she is not seen as an object of desire--as a person who's sexually invisible because of her disability.
Bartlett gives us a lot to think about in this piece.
278
Most women appreciate an admiring look, a friendly smile, a helpful gesture, etc. while aggressive stares, leers, subtle and not-so-subtle groping, sexual comments, being followed, etc. are annoying if not terrifying.
Bartlett felt frightened by the man at the bus stop and would feel frightened by the latter category of behavior as well. I've never known any woman who appreciated being treated that way.
As for admiring looks, friendly smiles, a helpful gestures,... yes, I understand that would be missed. All women, and men too I expect, like to be admired. I'm sorry she feels left out in this regard.
Bartlett felt frightened by the man at the bus stop and would feel frightened by the latter category of behavior as well. I've never known any woman who appreciated being treated that way.
As for admiring looks, friendly smiles, a helpful gestures,... yes, I understand that would be missed. All women, and men too I expect, like to be admired. I'm sorry she feels left out in this regard.
12
Complex, isn't it? When you get to a certain age, the male gaze stops, too. And the invisibility is...not entirely welcome. For some of us, anyway.
1
The sexes flirting with each other should be non-threatening and respectful. That flirting often is disrespectful says more about us as a culture and that we are civilised only in some ways with still a whole lot of civilising left to learn.
And the ways we patronize the disabled is another example, well-intentioned maybe, of an uncivilized way to treat a person. Thank you, Jennifer for raising our consciousness.
And the ways we patronize the disabled is another example, well-intentioned maybe, of an uncivilized way to treat a person. Thank you, Jennifer for raising our consciousness.
2