First of all, loneliness hurts. it is a palpable physical sensation. Secondly, I find I am most lonely AROUND people. When I go off specifically to be alone I am fine. That being said, each of us has an indeterminate and unique need to be social. Recognize what quantity you personally need to achieve emotional equilibrium and seek it out!
28
I had a birthday last week that came and went. Birthdays have a feel to them. I didn't speak to a soul that day. Even worse, no one spoke to me. Trying to act 'OK' for the cat can be overwhelming also. Then with a 3 day holiday to contemplate what everyone else is probably doing, the draining continues. I always liked being alone as long as other people were available. The first paragraph of this article almost made me cry but I'd rather cry over someone else than over myself. The latter is frightening. It took about 8 years to realize that this person and that person made me feel alive. That seems way too long to happen again. I hope the sun comes out today. It will be 21 days without a drink. Alcohol removed all the people.
58
One of the reasons I like reading the NY Times is that it addresses problems that no other medium seems to want to look at today.
The problem of elder loneliness in the U.S. is at least in part due to the encouragement of corporate America to separate the family unit upon the children reaching maturity.
The housing industry depends on new construction which in turn depends on young people separating from their parents and buying into "The American Dream". There is no emphasis on maintaining the family unit together even though the wealth that parents have generated could be invested in the family unit as a whole, rather than dribbled out over the retirement years.
The burden of homeownership on a family is actually counterproductive to having the parents around. This is in turn leaves the parents much more dependent on each other for companionship and the eventual sorrow when one passes on.
I hope that programs are created to address this issue since loneliness is unquestionably a potential threat to everyone's health.
The problem of elder loneliness in the U.S. is at least in part due to the encouragement of corporate America to separate the family unit upon the children reaching maturity.
The housing industry depends on new construction which in turn depends on young people separating from their parents and buying into "The American Dream". There is no emphasis on maintaining the family unit together even though the wealth that parents have generated could be invested in the family unit as a whole, rather than dribbled out over the retirement years.
The burden of homeownership on a family is actually counterproductive to having the parents around. This is in turn leaves the parents much more dependent on each other for companionship and the eventual sorrow when one passes on.
I hope that programs are created to address this issue since loneliness is unquestionably a potential threat to everyone's health.
28
One might enjoy solitude, a need to hear oneself think, but that in itself is different from loneliness. Alone, one is not necessarily bereft of human contact. There is the joy of the beating heart. We can always return. But loneliness is something else entirely, a cousin to despair and starvation; you are unloosed from the mothership, a small raft on a tossing, devouring sea. Something within you has lost faith in humanity, the small gestures, the meaningful exchange, the belief, even, that there is still goodness in the world. Running away from whatever it is, everyone is shutting down. And there is nowhere to go back to: even the refuge of yourself has become alien.
Autumn is coming and I'm remembering Adrienne Rich's "Song," the last stanza:
"If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood with a gift for burning."
Autumn is coming and I'm remembering Adrienne Rich's "Song," the last stanza:
"If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood with a gift for burning."
12
Sounds like a great program that should be instituted in every state in America, lot's of lonely folk out there and the elderly imo have much to give in the way of wisdom if the young folk would learn and listen. A program linked with humane shelters could be a way to go too, lot's of pets need homes and would bring good company to the elderly if they are able to care for them. Family members with elderly people should be the first to step up and make the effort to step in and visit their elder folk, give them a call, check on them, they took care of you when you couldn't, time to pay it back, they deserve your love.
12
Loneliness is not just an older person's dilemma, while it does seem to have some major built-in factors. The death of a spouse and long time friends are a by product of the aging process. They needn't have to remain victimized by this, however it certainly is very understandable as a foremost condition that awaits most of us.
Having children, grandchildren, even great grandchildren may block some of the inherent flaws in outliving all your friends. But this situation happens much sooner in life for many younger people, especially teens and young adults. There are too numerous reasons to list but any change in the support group we get used to and totally dependent upon are many times in constant flux.
How does one move on past a breakup that many times directly loses ones friends when they take their allegiance to the other, former partner. While we think of death as the major cause for loss of primary relationships, every disengagement is a death of sorts: especially the way in which one ends. Family courts are the first place to observe the "living death" of the other spouse. Custody of children, alimony amounts, who gets the dog really isn't funny.
It's a very timely topic especially in so many different ways. Suicide always will be accompanying the sudden, or even the slow slide into isolative existence.
Having children, grandchildren, even great grandchildren may block some of the inherent flaws in outliving all your friends. But this situation happens much sooner in life for many younger people, especially teens and young adults. There are too numerous reasons to list but any change in the support group we get used to and totally dependent upon are many times in constant flux.
How does one move on past a breakup that many times directly loses ones friends when they take their allegiance to the other, former partner. While we think of death as the major cause for loss of primary relationships, every disengagement is a death of sorts: especially the way in which one ends. Family courts are the first place to observe the "living death" of the other spouse. Custody of children, alimony amounts, who gets the dog really isn't funny.
It's a very timely topic especially in so many different ways. Suicide always will be accompanying the sudden, or even the slow slide into isolative existence.
10
Separation and loneliness are direct functions of the amount of power (as in work per unit time) that flows through us as radio waves, WiFi, cellular telephony, fiber optics, computer server farms, Google, iPhones, cars, far away homes in the suburbs, TVs, power-gadgets, and so on. Lessen this power flow, and people will have to live closer to each other and interact more. As we move towards renewables, power will become less accessible and our social lives proportionally richer. But first we need to change the dominant narrative of eternal growth and unlimited greed. Will we?
16
While I do not make friends easily, I find that an easy way to be around people is to become part of a group, either by taking a class or volunteering for an organization. It is often much easier to make small talk when you have a common purpose in a group setting. Then slowly you become comfortable being with the others. You may not be best friends, but there are people you look forward to seeing.
36
Yes, loneliness is a problem, but I often see the reverse problem as well. There are many people just petrified to spend any time alone with just their thoughts in quiet contemplation. They have to be constantly around other people, music playing, talking nonsense on their smartphone, etc. I can't tell you how many people look at me and think I should be committed when I actually say I often enjoy going to dinner alone or seeing a movie by myself. .....or ....shhhhh...don't tell anyone....maybe even taking a mini vacation by myself
20
Here's a suggested mitzvah for all of us who are not (yet) elderly and socially isolated: call Aunt Agnes or Uncle Henry once a week at a set time, even if only for twenty minutes.
Plan to double-task if you're a busy person (folding laundry and chopping vegetables pair well with phone dates). Ask open-ended questions about the elder's life and then just listen. You may learn much of interest, but even if you don't, you will feel like a better person. And remember, one day Aunt Agnes will be you.
Plan to double-task if you're a busy person (folding laundry and chopping vegetables pair well with phone dates). Ask open-ended questions about the elder's life and then just listen. You may learn much of interest, but even if you don't, you will feel like a better person. And remember, one day Aunt Agnes will be you.
34
Those illustrations by Jon Krause are brilliant!
11
Your readers may be interested in the federally funded Senior Nutrition programs that provide free meals to persons aged 60 and older and their companions in congregate settings. In other words, it is a free lunch at a dining hall for seniors. It is funded by the Older Americans Act, and provides also home delivered meals to homebound, isolated seniors. Check with your state or county social services or aging agency.
5
Ravi Zacharias once identfied the "human needs pyramid" - basic needs, advanced needs, security, purpose & spiritual contentment. Western society does an excellent job of providing the basics but terrible on the upper. The feeling of being wanted, cared & loved is a fundamental human need. Moreover it is a positive feedback virtue cycle. Recognizing this is the first step to positively changing our polity & society.
The fundamental root cause of substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, psychopathy, sociopathy which lead to anxiety, depression, suicide, murder is this: disconnection & loneliness. We are a highly social species. The ability to connect with other humans at a deep level is fundamental to our sanity, health & our survival. The way society treats drug addicts & alcoholics is to criminalize & lock them up, futhering their isolation & mental trauma. And then we wonder why the war on drugs has failed, we should've had a war on isolation. A hug & a smile can solve a lot more than medication & chemicals. Try it.
The fundamental root cause of substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, psychopathy, sociopathy which lead to anxiety, depression, suicide, murder is this: disconnection & loneliness. We are a highly social species. The ability to connect with other humans at a deep level is fundamental to our sanity, health & our survival. The way society treats drug addicts & alcoholics is to criminalize & lock them up, futhering their isolation & mental trauma. And then we wonder why the war on drugs has failed, we should've had a war on isolation. A hug & a smile can solve a lot more than medication & chemicals. Try it.
15
I have lived alone for last 30 years after my second marriage. I don't feel lonely.
9
I went to college & worked there 30+ yrs. My health forced retirement in 2000. I had 2 living relatives in 2000. Mom died in late 2000. Neither of us knew where my brother was. In 2006 a social worker learned he died of cancer in 2001.
I haven’t driven in yrs. & depend on Paratransit. I don’t know what Paratransit’s like elsewhere. It’s a nightmare here. Driver’s radios at max, semi-random pick-ups & drop offs but riders don’t dare be a couple mins late. I have a congenital balance issues: I don't get dizzy just fall in random directions. Just diagnosed w/ Essential Tremor-like Katherine Hepburn. I’m often not sure what day/date it is until I check my computer. Life’s a blur-except for Paratransit.
An old work friend visits each month. Talking is rare except during her visits & me chatting up anyone who holds still long enough at a grocery. I used to be a chatterbox but my 2 cats don’t speak Human. No dog since ever. My balance issues prevent me from walking a dog-a tug on the leash & over I’d go.
I'm jealous when people talk dating, dining out w/ others, family reunions, trips, their children. Doctors suggested I go to a senior ctr to be w/ people my age. I tried it for a year & quit. The senior ctr made me more depressed since it’s painful for me to hear conversations re family activities esp Thanksgiving, birthday parties, picnics etc
I'll be 70 soon. My old friend’ll bring a gift We’ll have lunch out. FB congrats. 2-3 cards. No birthday party much less a surprise one
I haven’t driven in yrs. & depend on Paratransit. I don’t know what Paratransit’s like elsewhere. It’s a nightmare here. Driver’s radios at max, semi-random pick-ups & drop offs but riders don’t dare be a couple mins late. I have a congenital balance issues: I don't get dizzy just fall in random directions. Just diagnosed w/ Essential Tremor-like Katherine Hepburn. I’m often not sure what day/date it is until I check my computer. Life’s a blur-except for Paratransit.
An old work friend visits each month. Talking is rare except during her visits & me chatting up anyone who holds still long enough at a grocery. I used to be a chatterbox but my 2 cats don’t speak Human. No dog since ever. My balance issues prevent me from walking a dog-a tug on the leash & over I’d go.
I'm jealous when people talk dating, dining out w/ others, family reunions, trips, their children. Doctors suggested I go to a senior ctr to be w/ people my age. I tried it for a year & quit. The senior ctr made me more depressed since it’s painful for me to hear conversations re family activities esp Thanksgiving, birthday parties, picnics etc
I'll be 70 soon. My old friend’ll bring a gift We’ll have lunch out. FB congrats. 2-3 cards. No birthday party much less a surprise one
13
Stop using machines, especially little cellphone machines, as intermediaries for human inter-relating & communicating, and the problem will slowly go away. Too many people are literally addicted to their smartphones. Smartphones don't have souls. Wise up, people. Little communications machines addicts (and there are millions... just go to any major airport & see) are, in fact, putting national security at risk, because of their smartphone addictions. A few electromagnetic bombs dropped on us by enemies or placed in particular places by people on foot will definitely shut down cellphone towers, plus some power grids. And as it stands now, Americans all over the country will be walking around looking like deer in headlights..... simple takeover after that. Think about it.....
6
mmm...what about those of us who are younger than 65? Not all of us are lucky enough to have a life partner survive to 'old age' - and there is this stigma that it is somehow our fault if we wind up living alone before reaching retirement age. Will someone please tell me what I did to wind up in this situation? My life partner died in an accident at age 52 - and although the police have not charged me with anything, they apparently plan to leave his death investigation open indefinitely. In my last interaction, they threatened to take me away in handcuffs the next time I called to request information about the cause of his death. This is the 'support' we get in the US when we wind up living alone .....
14
I hope people will stop looking down on me for choosing to live with my aging parents and working in retail (home improvement/hardware) with plenty of retired customers. I'm living with my parents so they wouldn't get lonely and I'm basically paid to talk to random customers who may or may not have money to buy anything. But it's obvious that many rude customers don't have enough social support in their lives to have consideration for other people in the store, who could be members of their same communities. Many people these days don't know or actively avoid their neighbors, and many family ties seem to end after parents send their kids for college, military, first jobs, etc. It's amazing how many people would bother to own their house, just to have the whole house to themselves.
18
This article was an innovating and thought-provoking read; it had never occurred to me that loneliness is not only mentally stressful, but physically stressful as well. One passage from the article made me think: "[Chronic loneliness] is associated with increased levels of cortisol...which can raise blood pressure and decrease blood flow to vital organs [and] impair the immune system’s ability to fight infections." From a Neuroscience perspective, cortisol is the same "stress hormone" that's released when the body is under prolonged, not immediate stress, for example the night before a big exam, and this really suggests that being lonely is another form of stress which explains why we, as humans, instinctively crave companionship. Perhaps this is why many would rather be with someone that they dislike instead of being alone.
I also agree with several other commenters here that this "loneliness epidemic" is not solely restricted to the elderly. In fact, I would brazenly infer that the younger generations suffer more from the lack of companionship than the elders do--I am not saying that it isn't hard for the elders because it is, and the Silver line is doing a great thing--but while the elders' isolation is somewhat unavoidable and easier to come to terms with (as ACW from New Jersey had done below), youths are expected to have an active social life and isolation causes more stress to their brain. The digitalization also does not help.
We need more studies on loneliness.
I also agree with several other commenters here that this "loneliness epidemic" is not solely restricted to the elderly. In fact, I would brazenly infer that the younger generations suffer more from the lack of companionship than the elders do--I am not saying that it isn't hard for the elders because it is, and the Silver line is doing a great thing--but while the elders' isolation is somewhat unavoidable and easier to come to terms with (as ACW from New Jersey had done below), youths are expected to have an active social life and isolation causes more stress to their brain. The digitalization also does not help.
We need more studies on loneliness.
9
Though I do not wax nostalgic for the old traditional family with its dogmas and rules, Western society has not found a satisfying replacement to deal with the isolation experienced by aging members of its population too old for the singles' scene and youthism. I recall a conversation a decade ago with a Syrian expat in France enjoying a comfortable professional situation here. She told me she intended to return to her homeland upon retirement, for Syrian society takes better care of the aged than the West. So much has happened in ten years! And even without war and upheaval, who can be so presumptuous as to believe currently traditional societies will still persist in such places as the Middle East or parts of Africa? We all live in perpetual flux.
6
I am sharing again because I am relating to the young people who are feeling alone due to the overuse of iPhones, etc among their close community. First of all it is so impressive that you are reading the NYT and also deciding to comment on the problem. I agree that the overuse is an enormous problem in our culture that causes me great concern about young people and others who do this. I also see parents looking at their phones instead of their children in the park. Research shows that when two people are sitting at a table just the fact that a phone is activated and on the table significantly reduces the amount of intimacy between the people.
I say stand up and fight for your right to the full attention of others. You may find others who share your concerns and start a support group and get togethers without smart phones. You have a right to be really upset and I support you doing whatever you can to combat this problem. You do not need addictive and intermittent reward types of constant contact to feel validated as a person. No one before your generation needed that. It is a construct fueled by the profit motive of the companies that sell these devices which have many good uses but can also become the drug of addiction. Keep on working on this!
I say stand up and fight for your right to the full attention of others. You may find others who share your concerns and start a support group and get togethers without smart phones. You have a right to be really upset and I support you doing whatever you can to combat this problem. You do not need addictive and intermittent reward types of constant contact to feel validated as a person. No one before your generation needed that. It is a construct fueled by the profit motive of the companies that sell these devices which have many good uses but can also become the drug of addiction. Keep on working on this!
16
I half jokingly tell good friends that unless their certified mother is certifiably dying in a certified hospital, I prefer they turn their phones off when they come into my house. Most do now and we converse without interruption.
But I recently watched two young people, sitting knee to knee conversing with pne another OVER their phones! I was amazed when they agreed that this was a fine means of communication.
But I recently watched two young people, sitting knee to knee conversing with pne another OVER their phones! I was amazed when they agreed that this was a fine means of communication.
1
Young people have time...time to connect, hope things turn out, time to get help. How dare you turn this first if its kind study of loneliness on seniors into another bandwagon for Millennials. Great idea... they could connect with Seniors and both could get some relief from the isolation they feel.
2
I agree that phones are an issue but I feel like they are more a symptom than a cause of the problem.
Why do people constantly get on their phones? Yes, they are addicting. But people don't pull out their phones when they are say, playing a game (sport or otherwise).
Social interaction nowadays has been made so frivolous. I believe that humans are happiest when they are in "flow." So activities like learning a new language or instrument, although they can feel like "work" actually lead to more happiness than going to happy hours or meeting for coffee.
The problem is that aside from sports (and not all of us are athletically gifted), there aren't many opportunities for people to engage in these flow type activities in a social manner. That's why I've been focused on lately, trying to find ways to get into flow that aren't solitary.
Phones are a huge distraction and I completely agree that we'd be better off without them, but one has to wonder what's wrong with a society in which someone would rather text than meet face to face, or peruse their fb profile than converse with the person in front of them. Again, part of the explanation is dopamine, our neural reward pathways etc. but I think there is more to it than that.
Why do people constantly get on their phones? Yes, they are addicting. But people don't pull out their phones when they are say, playing a game (sport or otherwise).
Social interaction nowadays has been made so frivolous. I believe that humans are happiest when they are in "flow." So activities like learning a new language or instrument, although they can feel like "work" actually lead to more happiness than going to happy hours or meeting for coffee.
The problem is that aside from sports (and not all of us are athletically gifted), there aren't many opportunities for people to engage in these flow type activities in a social manner. That's why I've been focused on lately, trying to find ways to get into flow that aren't solitary.
Phones are a huge distraction and I completely agree that we'd be better off without them, but one has to wonder what's wrong with a society in which someone would rather text than meet face to face, or peruse their fb profile than converse with the person in front of them. Again, part of the explanation is dopamine, our neural reward pathways etc. but I think there is more to it than that.
6
Everyone has different social preferences - some folks are extroverts, others are introverts. But, we all want to feel connected in our own way. As this article highlights, we are learning that social isolation has negative impacts on our health. I'm glad to read about these great organizations addressing the issue of socially isolated seniors, and want to add a new solution to the list - Elder Friends Network. My company, Elder Friends Network, is just getting started in this space, with the goal of alleviating elder loneliness, boredom and depression by connecting smart, empathetic individuals with socially isolated elders.
6
I'm a very lonely person. Since as long as I can remember. When I was a child I thought I was the only one who felt that way. It was odd to find out how common it is. It was both reassuring (that I was not alone in being lonely) and horrifying to know so many suffer as I do.
45
I believe that there is a huge difference between loneliness and being alone. My friendship with a few women friends sustains me when I feel the depths of loneliness in the midst of caring for aging parents, assisting Millennial children, working in the city, and figuring out how to date again as a Babyboomer. Yet, I cherish my time alone to read a great novel, sip a glass of wine, or listen to the birds chirp and frolick on the lawn. I would surmise that technology has accelerated this sense of loss for intimate connections and soulful dialogue. It's certainly more acute for our elders, but the suicide rates among teens makes me ponder this feeling of dislocation for many of us. Less texting, emailing and facebook posts might yield real time chats with neighbors, families and friends "face-to-face."
5
I relate to this article and I'm only 29... I think our society is going through an epidemic of loneliness and not just for the elderly.
We were evolved to be part of hunter-gatherer tribes where we spent 100% of our time with others. We had a sense of belonging and purpose. We had collective responsibility.
In our disconnected Western society, like with physical activity, we've taken all the social aspects out of the necessities of life, and try to add them back in by meeting our friends for dinner or volunteering. We spend all day staring at a computer screen by ourselves and then try to fill the void at home.
I find that I get much more enjoyment when I'm working with others towards a shared goal (whether that be at work or outside) than through meaningless socializing. Not to say that I don't enjoy dinner parties, but I find that over time if that's your sole outlet for social interaction it can become draining.
For me what leads to loneliness is the lack of interdependence and shared responsibility in day to day life. I don't have a lot of good ideas about how to add it back in though except maybe communal living communities that more closely mimic the environment we were evolved to thrive in. Preferably with a range of ages.
Another problem is its hard to be active and social unless all your friends are active types. I hate having to choose between being healthy and being social (going to the gym alone vs going to a happy hour) but it often comes down to that.
We were evolved to be part of hunter-gatherer tribes where we spent 100% of our time with others. We had a sense of belonging and purpose. We had collective responsibility.
In our disconnected Western society, like with physical activity, we've taken all the social aspects out of the necessities of life, and try to add them back in by meeting our friends for dinner or volunteering. We spend all day staring at a computer screen by ourselves and then try to fill the void at home.
I find that I get much more enjoyment when I'm working with others towards a shared goal (whether that be at work or outside) than through meaningless socializing. Not to say that I don't enjoy dinner parties, but I find that over time if that's your sole outlet for social interaction it can become draining.
For me what leads to loneliness is the lack of interdependence and shared responsibility in day to day life. I don't have a lot of good ideas about how to add it back in though except maybe communal living communities that more closely mimic the environment we were evolved to thrive in. Preferably with a range of ages.
Another problem is its hard to be active and social unless all your friends are active types. I hate having to choose between being healthy and being social (going to the gym alone vs going to a happy hour) but it often comes down to that.
11
Why dont you work with Seniors? Help them feel less isolated.
5
People can knock nursing homes, assisted living and retirement communities but this article proves them wrong. It is important to feel connected all of the time not some of the time with just family or a spouse. It is also important to be around people of your own age as you will feel closer to them than others decades younger than yourself who have nothing in common with you and who cannot identify with you.
2
So sad replace lonliness with kindness, even if a quick hello n how are you.
2
important efforts by the British are helping people. in this country, to be old and poor, is deadly. god forbid a woman who never married , a poor woman who worked her entire life, with no family, might as well be in some science fiction horror movie where the old are systematicaly exterminated. maybe, though, that could be a better alternative to emptiness.
7
Many old people have this problem where they can't communicate with anyone because of carious reasons such as technological issues, family abandonment, or the loss of a loved one. After even as little as one day of isolation, it causes certain hormone levels to drop to a dangerous low. In prisons where solitary is used as a punishment, the prisoners are more likely to be paranoid, unaware of social cues, and end up being a danger to themselves as well as others. This situation could ultimately lead to the same result.
Loneliness can lead to many different issues such as stress eating which can lead to obesity, high cholesterol, and heart issues. The older one gets, the more important it is to stay in shape and without something to look forward to, it is very easy to give up and not try at all. All of these factors could lead to the lack of will power to stay alive and healthy, which could send one into an early grave.
Having 24 hour call lines is a big help in reducing the seclusion one feels but there are many more options available. One program could be having a mentoring program with high school kids that go to senior citizens homes to have a conversation with them multiple times a week. This high school program is an important one because the elder generation has lived in such a different time period that their culture is totally different from a teen's experience. This is mutually beneficial because they can learn from each other and it's healthy for all.
Loneliness can lead to many different issues such as stress eating which can lead to obesity, high cholesterol, and heart issues. The older one gets, the more important it is to stay in shape and without something to look forward to, it is very easy to give up and not try at all. All of these factors could lead to the lack of will power to stay alive and healthy, which could send one into an early grave.
Having 24 hour call lines is a big help in reducing the seclusion one feels but there are many more options available. One program could be having a mentoring program with high school kids that go to senior citizens homes to have a conversation with them multiple times a week. This high school program is an important one because the elder generation has lived in such a different time period that their culture is totally different from a teen's experience. This is mutually beneficial because they can learn from each other and it's healthy for all.
3
The high schools around where we live have student volunteers who visit the Council of Aging and senior citizen homes to teach seniors computer skills, opening email account, browsing internet etc. Its a very popular interactive program, there was one student who always had a long queue of seniors waiting eagerly for him on days he volunteered. Some high school volunteers play music to entertain elderly in the lobby/foyer of the nursing homes. Some high school senior students volunteer to bring meals to elderly citizens disabled or unable to drive. Our local churches have programs where anyone, families having a hard time, including seniors can stop by for hot supper, cooked and served by volunteers.
2
Human being are designed to hug and love n chat n give one another some playful trash talking ... God wants us to love one another
4
I think that feeling useful is a great deterrent to loneliness of our elder population. Many would love to have an actual paying job. Many of these people were swept out of their prior jobs like trash. They could contribute much in experience and wisdom to younger folks if given a chance.
15
How interesting to see this article from Blackpool, Lancashire, England!
When I was a boy in North Carolina, I had a couple of pen pals in Blackpool.
Now, I'm seventy years old, awaiting surgery on my spine to ease the pain, and yes, chronic loneliness is a plague of my old age.
Fortunately, a Community Health Nurse visits once a week, and a Certified Nursing Assistant visits twice a week.
My biggest asset for sharing my thoughts and overcoming loneliness is the God given invention of the personal computer and the World Wide Web.
What a marvelous time to be alive on this Earth!
When I was a boy in North Carolina, I had a couple of pen pals in Blackpool.
Now, I'm seventy years old, awaiting surgery on my spine to ease the pain, and yes, chronic loneliness is a plague of my old age.
Fortunately, a Community Health Nurse visits once a week, and a Certified Nursing Assistant visits twice a week.
My biggest asset for sharing my thoughts and overcoming loneliness is the God given invention of the personal computer and the World Wide Web.
What a marvelous time to be alive on this Earth!
16
If you have not looked into the amazing ability of Svaroopa Yoga practice to open the back and reduce debilitating back pain, please do so. You will practice in a group which literally shares your pain, and after a short time you will move out into the community without the hindrance of back pain. Just Google to locate a certified teacher.
1
Solitary confinement is a severe punishment in our society. Yet, some people choose it without realizing it, or it is cast upon them. Socializing is necessary for a healthy body, mind and soul. The elderly must be brought back into society in a thoughtful, purposeful manner. We owe them everything.
8
I was going to write about Facebook and the internet, including writing comments interactively re: NYT articles. Then I saw this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anita-kamiel-rn-mps/older-people-social-me...
Pretty much explains what I was going to say.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anita-kamiel-rn-mps/older-people-social-me...
Pretty much explains what I was going to say.
2
'The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.'
The 'caring society' lacks the circumspection to decide when it should or should not butt in. It's one thing to 'be there' if someone wishes to find you, another to barge around looking for someone to do good to. For pity's sake, don't let this so-called concern get out of hand.
The 'caring society' lacks the circumspection to decide when it should or should not butt in. It's one thing to 'be there' if someone wishes to find you, another to barge around looking for someone to do good to. For pity's sake, don't let this so-called concern get out of hand.
6
I applaud the wonderful work being done with lonely seniors, and certainly more is needed, but I would also like to mention the problem of loneliness among much younger people. There, the stigma is likely even greater, and the pain no less intense. Even though young, able-bodied individuals are theoretically capable of going out, meeting others, and making connections, there can be so many other seemingly insurmountable barriers, from the emotional to the financial and beyond. I wish something more could be done for people experiencing loneliness across the lifespan.
19
We unite all generations by connecting volunteers with seniors who want to attend the same cultural events together and give them both free tickets. We use arts and cultural access as the glue to bring people together. All Generations struggle but it gets even harder as you age. Circleofcareproject.org
2
I completely agree with commenter Janet Camp. I thrive on being alone; it's being around crowds or challenging people that makes me depressed. I think it's long overdue for researchers to tease out whether there is a difference in outcomes, between people who are solitary by choice and people who are lonely.
13
I absolutely agree with ACW that one should develop inner life and self-sufficiency, and try to not depend on others for your sense of self-worth. However I think self-worth is a fundamentally different issue from a basic human need to interact and connect with others.
The ability to be happy without having a human conversation for weeks is not typical. And she has shown that she does feel the need to interact with others, even though it is not verbally spoken conversation, by posting a comment here.
The people that are of concern are the average retiree like my father, who in his old age is unable to continue his hobbies, but is too shy to meet others. My friend and I set him up with her equally lonely retiree father (who lives across the country) via the phone and they began a telephone friendship that has been mutually beneficial. The Silver Line should consider setting up a "party line" style hotline, and instead of hiring nurses should randomly connect callers, where the understanding is that in return for a kind, nonjudgmental ear, you must lend one.
The ability to be happy without having a human conversation for weeks is not typical. And she has shown that she does feel the need to interact with others, even though it is not verbally spoken conversation, by posting a comment here.
The people that are of concern are the average retiree like my father, who in his old age is unable to continue his hobbies, but is too shy to meet others. My friend and I set him up with her equally lonely retiree father (who lives across the country) via the phone and they began a telephone friendship that has been mutually beneficial. The Silver Line should consider setting up a "party line" style hotline, and instead of hiring nurses should randomly connect callers, where the understanding is that in return for a kind, nonjudgmental ear, you must lend one.
12
I would like to add that being among people is not always enough to feel connected. True connection comes in acceptance - not feeling judged or less than. In Laughter Yoga we can come as we are and laugh just because we can. And when we least feel like laughing is probably when we could really benefit from some laughter. Big laughs, little laughs, and some smiles, can shift everything and move us from loneliness to seeing things differently.
4
Social media is an outlet for loneliness and an indicator. They are not just bullies and jerks but ppl who have lost a sense of social etiquette from the absence of real social interaction.
6
I'll share what I did - perhaps it will help someone else. I moved to a new state two years ago after retiring. I selected it to be near my daughter and her family but I knew few others besides them. I am a hobby genealogist and I attended a series of free classes in genealogical research at the local library and asked the group of volunteer instructors if I might help out. Because of that simple offer, a year later I now have a circle of friends that I do lots of social activities with and we go around the area teaching genealogy classes to others in the community, many of them seniors. One of the women in the group, a widow slightly younger than me, has become a dear friend, confidant, and we do lots of things together. It IS possible to do something about being alone if that's not where you want to be, but you have to make an effort to reach out to others. Many have said it before, but please don't discount the possibility of simply volunteering a bit of your time in an area that interests you. One of the best ways to help yourself is to help someone else.
26
How about a low cost tea shop in one of those boarded-up store fronts?
With a pay-what-you-can lunch program for seniors?
With a pay-what-you-can lunch program for seniors?
11
i love this article, and the reader comments (so many of them are viscerally defensive, resistant to the idea of their being susceptible) underscore how important it is to talk about this, look the issue in the face, destigmatize.
12
I saw the movie 'Hell and High Water' at noon today, at a casino in Henderson, NV, near Las Vegas. Surprisingly, the viewing was filled with older people, many of them alone. The movie is not obliquely about what the 'Banking class' has done to middle America in the last decade, and the fallout that inevitably must follow when such a crime is perpetrated. As this is Henderson, NV, I eventually understood the interest the film had generated. Many people are lonely not just because of age, but because of what their society has done to them.
14
I have no family and since my wife died 2 years ago, I can relate. Yesterday (sept 5) was my birthday - spent home alone all day.
7
Belatedly but sincerely I wish you a happy birthday. I have been in your situation too many times.
8
Happy belated birthday to you.
5
Happy birthday Paul
3
Loneliness is an emotional condition, a state of mind. "Aloneness" is simply a physical state. Yes, we are creatures attuned to being in social groups, but also equipped to exist on our own, at least in the physical sense. Each of us is dependent, of course, on a chain of other humans who exist now or existed in the past - from whom we've acquired information, skills, preferences, survival lesson and, on the darker side, prejudices and animosities that separate us from other humans even (or especially) when we're in the same room or town or nation with them. We may create the conditions of our loneliness if we're not attentive to our inner selves.
Aging offers increased chances to explore one's loneliness, to see what it's made up of. Reflection on one's life, no matter how painful, is rewarding. And overall, it's a solitary task that nobody else can perform for us. So, like so much else in this short, paradox-filled life, it "cuts both ways," as they say. Seeing this makes "aloneless" something to be welcomed, not feared.
Aging offers increased chances to explore one's loneliness, to see what it's made up of. Reflection on one's life, no matter how painful, is rewarding. And overall, it's a solitary task that nobody else can perform for us. So, like so much else in this short, paradox-filled life, it "cuts both ways," as they say. Seeing this makes "aloneless" something to be welcomed, not feared.
4
It seems that older people are suffering from what middle-aged people suffer from in employment. Age, in general, is disparaged. No one wants to be associated with it.
Older people should be a part of communities. Not apart from them. Only then, will we begin to deal with these issues.
Older people should be a part of communities. Not apart from them. Only then, will we begin to deal with these issues.
7
I think there is great value in finding a niche, especially in regards to finding more people to talk to and having more interactions. To combat loneliness, one cannot solely rely on communicating with a stranger over the phone. Although I believe this is a wonderful resource, in order to have a more effective solution there should be a stable and regular group of individuals with similar interests that the person can look forward to seeing. I think organizations who have helplines, like the Silver Line Helpline, are truly beneficial but could also add to their work by referring the caller to different groups and activities around their area. On another note, I think something the article did not touch upon is the effects on an individual's brain when they loose a spouse. Many believe this is called "dying of a broken heart" but the evidence given in the article about the negative physiological effects of loneliness suggests that this could be a reality and I would have loved to read more about the effects after the loss of a partner and how that is a large problem that many people struggle with. This is why it is important to recruit volunteers who are willing to start groups that allow the elderly to engage in new activities and to meet new people because often times, they have different life experiences and are too "stuck in their ways" causing them to not reach out and meet new people on their own.
2
I find this heartbreaking. Regular social contact is a key to healthy longevity. There are folks who are the exception and apparently many of them are NYT readers judging by some of the coldhearted posts here. You say you are happy and/or content but I wonder. The lesson: Reach out when you can starting with folks in the family and friends. It's free and you never know who needs a kind word or some kind of social interaction.
6
I have been socially isolated since 2001 and am only 65. I have a dog; pets are not even mentioned in this article though every pet owner I know who is single appreciates their pet as a balm for loneliness. “It is no longer medically or ethically acceptable to ignore older adults who feel lonely and marginalized.” Well, in fact, yes it is. People develop tight social circles and after a certain age don't have any interest in expanding them. I am not religious and church-goers have no interest in non-believers. Senior adult tract housing communities like Sun City do not allow non-residents to enroll or participate in their activity programs. Nonetheless I do not think my life expectancy is being compromised unless I believe all these articles in the NYT which tell me that social isolation is shortening my life. George Washington said "I would rather be alone than in bad company." So true.
16
I think the political polarization/demonization of conservatives advanced by the media and internalized by its readers is the cause of some isolation, too. People dislike and judge each other by who they vote for, not for how they live their lives.
As if either side has a monopoly on good public policy...
E.g., the ACA is very bad policy. But I don't hate you for thinking otherwise.
As if either side has a monopoly on good public policy...
E.g., the ACA is very bad policy. But I don't hate you for thinking otherwise.
4
This article brings to light a whole epidemic that had been previously unknown to me. perhaps that disconnect occurred because there is an active disconnect in our society between the youth/young adults and the elderly. in order to have a long term solution to this issue it is essential that we reconnect these parts of our communities. Moreover i think that the feeling of loneliness greatly effects the youth. with growing rates of suicide in our societies adolescents it is paramount that we address this formidable issue.
on a separate note, i believe that some of the health related issues that come with loneliness may also be a function of inactivity. when people are choosing to stay in and not go out they not only are avoiding human interaction but are also staying inactive.
however the mental repercussions are vast and worrisome. As a freshmen in college i see how it can very easily become a very lonely lifestyle. after reading this article i am more inclined to reach out to others who seem lonely. hopefully the impact this article has had on me will translate into positive interactions with other people; people who may not have had many of those that day. Moreover it emphasizes the need for us to welcome the elderly in our society, into our communities and conversations. mentioned in the article were elderly people sharing their war stories, that section reemphasized the fact that everyone has a story that is unique and brilliant in its own light. we all have stories
on a separate note, i believe that some of the health related issues that come with loneliness may also be a function of inactivity. when people are choosing to stay in and not go out they not only are avoiding human interaction but are also staying inactive.
however the mental repercussions are vast and worrisome. As a freshmen in college i see how it can very easily become a very lonely lifestyle. after reading this article i am more inclined to reach out to others who seem lonely. hopefully the impact this article has had on me will translate into positive interactions with other people; people who may not have had many of those that day. Moreover it emphasizes the need for us to welcome the elderly in our society, into our communities and conversations. mentioned in the article were elderly people sharing their war stories, that section reemphasized the fact that everyone has a story that is unique and brilliant in its own light. we all have stories
4
Old Testament, lots of Shakespeare, many haiku of Basho, "L'Etranger," 1942, "The Lonely Crowd," 1950, "Bowling Alone," 2000, these researchers may be cultivating anew a field that has previously yielded a wealth of literature . . .
4
Isolating old people away from the rest of us is relatively new.
2
We've extended life with technology and medicine but forgot about quality. I for one never want to reach 100. 75 or 80 years is more than enough. The day i hit 75, it's bacon and cigarettes by the cart load.
9
Hearing loss is a major cause of isolation -- and loneliness. Two-thirds of those over 70 have hearing loss and only 20 percent who could benefit from hearing aids uses them. Cost is a major factor in the U.S., but so is stigma -- as is evidenced by the fact that use is not much higher in the U.K.
Go to hearingloss.org for much more information, or to one of the many blogs on hearing loss. Find out what others like you and your loved ones are doing to get around the cost, the stigma, the isolation.
Go to hearingloss.org for much more information, or to one of the many blogs on hearing loss. Find out what others like you and your loved ones are doing to get around the cost, the stigma, the isolation.
21
i enjoy activities i can do by myself,such as reading,listening to music,surfing the www,but i do get out to the fitness club,and going shopping for groceries is a social thing too. i occasionally go on a short trip with a travel group,Road Scholar,but i have given up trying to make new friends,female,or male.there is only so much reaching out a person can do.asking folks if they play chess,would like to see a movie,go for coffee,etc,and receiving negative responses has led me to not bothering anymore.
14
@bobbyb that's typical. Also par are people who agree to come out to socialize, but then don't. You're likely familiar.
I've got the answer, but I doubt anyone would care.
I've got the answer, but I doubt anyone would care.
4
Perhaps consider volunteer work that brings you together with others.
This is true for women as well, and anywhere beyond the age of 40 or 50, it seems. By that point in time, people already have full lives, they have families, grandchildren, hobbies, and a place (sometimes two) to maintain. After my best friend died at 50, and my other best female friend moved to the east coast, I worked hard at connecting with new people to no avail. There is something about having had a history together that just cannot be replaced. While I'm a part of a garden club, and engage through volunteering, I miss the deep friendships I made when I was young. Family is spread across the country and we do stay in touch, but it's still not the same as sitting down for a cup of tea and just catching up with no time limit. I agree with many of the other commenters... after reaching out over and over again, sometimes it is far more enjoyable to just hang out with yourself, your pets, your interests, or books. Although that may sound lonely to some, for introverts, it can be a real joy! And silence is indeed golden!
4
People of all ages can come together to practice Laughter Yoga in a supportive social setting without having to explain themselves. Laughter is restorative and offers many health benefits including a human bonding experience. There are free Laughter groups all over the world, some at senior centers. One only needs to be willing to show up and give it a try.
8
Down here in Florida, I witness the same story again and again: seniors, who upon retirement, left their adult children and extended families elsewhere and headed off to Florida to live the retirement dream. After 20 years of play in the sun, and little time spent with their own families, as they run out of money and/or the realities of old age set in and they are no longer able to play, they suddenly desire to become the center of their kids' universe, or, if the kids are still in another state, the center of the local church's universe. Because they are "elders", they expect that someone like myself, a GenXer, ought to give them their due just because of their age. Oh, I show them respect, but what is it exactly that they believe they have to offer the next generation? I have no need for advice about how to enjoy retirement. Tell me something about raising good kids, building strong families, serving a community. Well, since their children are never around, I am not sure what they can share about kids and families. Since they have just shown up after so many years of absense now that they are too poor or too infirm to continue pursuing their retirement dreams, I am not sure how to fit them in to my life now. I am not sure why I must. I have made conscious decisions and sacrifices to live a life very different from these retirees, and my goal for retirement is to go wherever my kids are. I am so very sorry they are lonely, but it's no surprise that they are, is it?
12
Evelyn, I know some will consider your comment harsh, but I appreciate the wisdom and will keep it in mind when my turn comes to retire.
Don't be so judgemental. I work with a lot of older patients. You (and a lot of other people) assume that if/when they have kids, the kids will be healthy; that the kids will still be alive when you are older; and that you will have a good relationship with them over time. It's not always about the elders choosing to live away or not maintain a relationship with their kids. Sometimes the kids are substance (or elder) abusers, sometimes the kids have other problems and the elders do not want to interfere, sometimes the kids are just nasty people no matter how decent their parents are. I'm a GenXer myself with close ties to my family but not every family is that way.
5
I agree with much of what you say. My own parents moved to another state when they retired. They didn't stay particularly involved with their family or attached to the community they had lived and worked in for over 30 years. And they weren't alone - many others did the same. 20 years later, when they became too elderly and ill to live on their own, they suddenly wanted the things they'd left behind back but much of it was no longer there. With a lifestyle like that, it's no wonder seniors find themselves isolated and lonely. Trotting off to a retirement community is just fine when you're 65, but the picture can be markedly different when you're 85.
7
What great ideas! These organizations offer degrees of choice so individuals can be as involved as each wishes. My elderly neighbor, a widow, lives alone and still is physically mobile at 83. She has a lovely home, and drives, so is not homebound for lack of transport. But sometimes, when I talk with her, she says she is lonely and feels isolated. Virtually all her neighbors work full-time. What a great opportunity for her to feel socially connected if an organization in Houston had neighborhood centers that really offered viable activities, and she could participate at low or no cost, as often as she wished.
7
Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Loneliness can happen in a crowd, in a marriage, in a friendship, at a party, in a parent-child relationship. I don't often notice loneliness merely in solitude. However, it is quite easy to skirt around its edges and fail to see it and experience it, when we need only make a social media post to convince ourselves we are not alone, or lonely.
19
I thoroughly agree with the point this article is making, and I believe this study should be more widely known because, in reality, this epidemic affects not only older adults, but all generations. It is healthy, even necessary, to be alone at times, but every human being needs and deserves some form of human contact. This study should be performed on the younger generations in the future, since they may be just as affected or even more affected than the older generation. At my college, when a group of people get together and spend time together, it usually consists of them sitting in a circle, texting or playing a game on their phones. These interactions are empty, even though people are physically together. It is rare when there is a true connection, and when people can be together without needing the security blanket of their phones all the time. As technology continues to advance, more and more generations will continue to be affected by these empty and thoughtless interactions. It is truly great that there are now organizations and charities, such as those mentioned in this article, for older people suffering with chronic loneliness. However, for the younger generations, such organizations are not as popular or well-known, since it is not socially acceptable to be "alone". Everyone constantly updates social media, proving how social and popular they are. The epidemic of loneliness should be taken much more seriously, as it affects all of us at one point or another.
12
I visit a senior "supportive living facility" almost daily. Residents have their own studio apartments. Three meals a day are offered in a central cafeteria. Every day there are residents in the lobby, watching the street and everyone coming and going. There is a daily gathering of smokers enjoying each other's company while sitting under a tree with their assorted wheelchairs, scooters and walkers. There are outings and activities every day.
My mother is always in her apartment and would never say she is lonely. She is proud to consider herself antisocial, but she always wants me to stay longer.
My mother is always in her apartment and would never say she is lonely. She is proud to consider herself antisocial, but she always wants me to stay longer.
4
I live in a major NE U.S. city, and am 60, single-never married, with one sibling 8 hours away. I present well, am physically quite attractive, fit, articulate. But I carry an albatross of loneliness every day, month, year. The superficial interactions at my FT job and a therapy appointment once a week probably save me from just giving up and ending it all. I’m an introvert with shyness who’s had had dysthymia and anxiety my entire adult life. I carry deep shame and stigma about this loneliness, feeling no one would want to get to know someone like that (“What’s wrong with her?”). A second factor is the lack of community gathering places for adults on their own who don’t drink alcohol and are not necessarily looking to date.
I’ve done the meet-ups, gym, adult ed, Al-Anon, etc., and it seems to be very hard to make the leap from casual hi’s to friendships. I wonder if part of it is our tradition of good old American individualism and workaholism, which everyone rushing in their lives and busy on their phones. At least with this article I felt not alone in this “alone” problem. It’s true that even a little social interaction can make a huge difference to isolated people, I will remember that as a giver and recipient. Thank you.
I’ve done the meet-ups, gym, adult ed, Al-Anon, etc., and it seems to be very hard to make the leap from casual hi’s to friendships. I wonder if part of it is our tradition of good old American individualism and workaholism, which everyone rushing in their lives and busy on their phones. At least with this article I felt not alone in this “alone” problem. It’s true that even a little social interaction can make a huge difference to isolated people, I will remember that as a giver and recipient. Thank you.
49
I appreciated your comment.
4
Sorry to hear that. What about some volunteering, be it at a hospital, helping kids, or adults, with reading English, whatever. Most elderly people DO have skills, and experiences, that are useful when shared with others. Really.
3
You might look at a local volunteer site; there are quite a few with a range of activities: drive someone to a doctor's appt., or a meeting; volunteer at a shelter, providing food or games etc. There are a lot of retiree groups in most towns, and they take trips, form book clubs, and discussion groups. The one I like here is Cracker Barrel, once a week with a 5 min. presentation, subject your choice, and then questions and discussion. You might be surprised at how many former teachers, professors, doctors, lawyers et al belong to these groups. I have learned a lot about subjects which never interested me before joining. As we get older, we find ways to meet others in our age group; it only takes one or two to make a new friend.
4
After seeing many comments of the loneliness felt by those who lost a spouse, I sympathize, but must also wonder if they kept up with their single or divorced friends over the years? Because that's quite likely how they felt as well when their married friends dropped away.
31
Thank you for pointing this out. If you don't make the effort while still married, don't expect to be welcomed if you are no longer married.
12
I don't see here researcher's conclusions on the effect/impact of living with abusive or alienating family/husbands/wives. I choose to live on my own after turning away or ending relationships with men who clearly were trending toward abuse - either emotional and potentially physical. Making a choice to be on your own in that context seems healthier. @johannaclear
12
I think it's well understood among these social scientists unhealthy or dangerous relationships are worse. They are just witnessing the devastation of loneliness.
Those who have been ill treated are far more likely to feel anxiety and chose isolation over taking chances, but even they benefit from sharing their experiences with others, or not. Freud said the most mature defense mechanism would be to turn one's hate for a father into support for father haters. Anna, not the big cigar. I prefer humor, myself.
Those who have been ill treated are far more likely to feel anxiety and chose isolation over taking chances, but even they benefit from sharing their experiences with others, or not. Freud said the most mature defense mechanism would be to turn one's hate for a father into support for father haters. Anna, not the big cigar. I prefer humor, myself.
1
Loneliness is endemic in a society that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
38
All these comments and very few people have mentioned one of the ways many seniors find companionship and attention: go to church. Or temple. Or mosque. There are many faith communities that will welcome newcomers venturing in. You dn't have to be a fervent believer to enjoy the company, the music, the chat, and the coffee hour. Nor do you have to have money to attend most services. Go.
12
I cared for my elderly parents for years. Now that they are gone I am diligent about keeping in touch with their living friends, elderly neighbors, anyone I know who is alone. I understand how vulnerable these folks are. They try to pretend they don't need anyone but then when I call to check in with them, as I did when I thought we were going to have a hurricane this weekend, they are elated. Its crazy how easy it is to make someone's day. I understand the loneliness because caring for my mother with Alzheimer's was so isolating.
I have had several people whom I've called ask me to do things I didn't have time for, and I was very blunt- I said no. I am there for people, and I'm able to do that because I set boundaries. I keep calling and I do what I can and that's a beautiful thing. I think that often people keep their distance from someone who is alone because they fear that person is going to glom on. It doesn't have to be that way. Do what you can-- but please do something because its so important.
I have had several people whom I've called ask me to do things I didn't have time for, and I was very blunt- I said no. I am there for people, and I'm able to do that because I set boundaries. I keep calling and I do what I can and that's a beautiful thing. I think that often people keep their distance from someone who is alone because they fear that person is going to glom on. It doesn't have to be that way. Do what you can-- but please do something because its so important.
24
if a culture focuses on workers and economic achievement and individualism, then these issues will be in the foreground. This article lacks that understanding and does not reference traditional cultures where loneliness is much less prevalent.
9
Alone does not equal lonely. The article notes the proportion of people over 65 or 80 living alone. My mother is over 80 and lives alone. (So do many of her widowed friends; this is natural as men die earlier. ) In this context, "lives alone" is used as a marker for loneliness--it suggests a shut-in. She is not lonely. She helps with her grandchildren for part of each week, travels around the country to see friends, and will be going to Europe over Thanksgiving to see family. In fact, she loves to have time to herself at home, since she is quite busy.
Advancing age and declining health, as well as the death of more in her friend circle, will change this. But isn't it ever thus?
Advancing age and declining health, as well as the death of more in her friend circle, will change this. But isn't it ever thus?
5
I remember someone stating once “it’s your choice if you want to be lonely”. I know this sounds like a harsh statement, but the person that stated this went on to explain that there are, in most areas, tons of volunteer organizations, support groups, church groups, book reading clubs, garden clubs, etc. – the best, I believe, are those groups that “give back” to society – girl/boy scout leaders, tutors, hospital volunteers, etc. When you think about it – you could pretty much fill your extra time up with any of these things.
18
You can still be lonely even doing everything you have said.
6
I suspect many of these "lonely" are actually like me, people who have lost their spouse and are grieving and sad. I am not lonely; I miss one person specifically and my sadness is overwhelming at times. At two years, I realize that I will grieve and miss him forever. There must be a way for those who are lonely to reconnect to the world.
26
Let us remember however that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Many of us live alone by choice and cherish the solitude; and we all know people who are very lonely while living lives full of people without any true connection. It is far more complicated than simply looking at who else, if anyone, is in the house with you. Personality plays such a big role as well. However, many end up alone not by choice, and it is primarily these people, I think, who most benefit from these sorts of social connection programs, filling a gap created not by choice but circumstance.
58
There are varying degrees of loneliness of which are categorized by physical, emotional, and social loneliness. As psychologists would say, 'anger is a secondary emotion to a deeper underlying problem.' That's also true about loneliness, and the inability to connect to people seems to be the primary culprit behind loneliness and depression. Even when technology has taken away some social cohesion on how people connect, I also think it's easier to seek out communal events through the library, or cultural centers; now it's just a matter of finding the right people with a shared interest.
1
The disintegration of the family unit in Western society plays a very large part in loneliness in later life. My wife is Moroccan and the idea of elderly parents living alone or in a home is absolutely abhorrent in her culture. The family stays together as a unit and looks after elderly parents. It is also very apparent to me - a westerner - many cultures place a very high value on older people. I travel to Japan quite frequently and old people are revered for their knowledge and wisdom and there are several holidays throughout the year to celebrate the aged.
125
One of the side effects of the economic recession has been the re-emergence of multigenerational living. Millennials are living in their parents' basements. Parents have moved in with grandparents.
3
50 plus years impact of feminist ideology absolutely affects how the west is today in regard blood family connections and also the follow on from strong family cohesive community.
2
It is the women of these non-Western societies who are expected to be the unpaid caregivers to the elderly, just as they were never expected to have any hopes of a career or personal achievement. It's a high price that entails its own lonlineness, which of course many (mostly the men who benefit) are unable to even see.
7
Let me play a devil's advocate in defense of loneliness. After my mother became a widow, she had an opportunity to attend a senior citizen community center but the condition was that she had to spend there at least half-a-day each workday. She has chosen to spend her life alone at home rather than among the people she has little in common with. And though she does complain on her loneliness, she values her privacy more. I talk to her almost daily; our conversations usually last 5-10 minutes (how are you? how are the kids?).
I'm not better than my mom - even worse. I've been living separately from my wife now. We briefly talk daily, date once a week - and argue much less than when we used to live together. I talk to my kids more than with my wife because I feel that they need this.
I'm sure that people who know me don't find me asocial: I can be very engaging for 20-30 minutes; then I simply get tired. I have a few good friends who live far away from my place. We talk over phone once a month or so. I guess everyone has limits for socializing. In my family, these limits are quite low.
I'm not better than my mom - even worse. I've been living separately from my wife now. We briefly talk daily, date once a week - and argue much less than when we used to live together. I talk to my kids more than with my wife because I feel that they need this.
I'm sure that people who know me don't find me asocial: I can be very engaging for 20-30 minutes; then I simply get tired. I have a few good friends who live far away from my place. We talk over phone once a month or so. I guess everyone has limits for socializing. In my family, these limits are quite low.
8
This further supports the Roseto Effect witnessed in a close Italian American Pennsylvania town in which no one feared dying alone and forgotten. No matter how much they over ate, they lived much longer than their disconnected approximates. Attachment is the life blood of humanity. Unfortunately, it wore off the more they assimilated to our "superior" system.
Today, we are subjected to disconnecting messages constantly through media. Anything that suggests a them vs us proposition is setting us up for the same conditions at any age. We need each other or we will suffer detachment, which we now understand can impact us at any age, not just the formative years.
Problem is so many have given up trying and if you push, they will build a stronger fence to hide their anguish. Frozen is what some call it. For so long they have felt unworthy, they might be convinced they are at fault.
Any older person has more miles on the odometer than I do. I let them lead the conversations. The places we go!
I encourage anyone feeling lonely to write or record your memories and feelings about it. I treasure those letters passed between previous generators. Did you know Brett Johnson, Grandpa Mose's slave, freed the Elm Creek captives before we freed him? Leave it to the US Army to claim otherwise, crackers! That wasn't John Wayne, that was the best the Johnson clan ever had to offer! Family lives long like that, even in Kiowa country.
Today, we are subjected to disconnecting messages constantly through media. Anything that suggests a them vs us proposition is setting us up for the same conditions at any age. We need each other or we will suffer detachment, which we now understand can impact us at any age, not just the formative years.
Problem is so many have given up trying and if you push, they will build a stronger fence to hide their anguish. Frozen is what some call it. For so long they have felt unworthy, they might be convinced they are at fault.
Any older person has more miles on the odometer than I do. I let them lead the conversations. The places we go!
I encourage anyone feeling lonely to write or record your memories and feelings about it. I treasure those letters passed between previous generators. Did you know Brett Johnson, Grandpa Mose's slave, freed the Elm Creek captives before we freed him? Leave it to the US Army to claim otherwise, crackers! That wasn't John Wayne, that was the best the Johnson clan ever had to offer! Family lives long like that, even in Kiowa country.
5
Learn to use a computer; if you attend a class you'll make new contacts with whom to share frustrations...moreover, you'll be learning something new in a non-threatening social environment. Investigate transportation options, just knowing what's available is empowering. Get a daily paper that has a comics section, or subscribe on line...especially, Mutts; Peanuts; Crankshaft: Pearls Before Swine; Get Fuzzy; Jump Street; Doonesbury and Frazz. Listen to music at least an hour a day, if local choices of are limited, go on line...a mix of Bach, big band seasoned with a generous helping of Gershwin will chase away clouds. Computer Klondike solitaire is challenging, but winnable. Happiness doesn't come looking for you, seeking it actively can result in amazing rewards.
4
My mother passed away at 88, she used to say how devastating loneliness was.
I realize that my life style is not the norm, but as a 74 yr old male in good health i treasure living alone, not talking on the phone with no social life.
I do odd jobs at my church and talk to people there.
My life of solitude has shown me the fallacy of relationships. After all, all relationships end in abandonment.
It is fear, especially fear of death that causes us to huddle together.
All you i-phone, texting, gathering darlings are seeking validation.
When we talk it proves i exist.
When i need validation i can shoot off a comment to my favorite website.
The peace and quiet of my life is beyond comfort.
There used to be a song,
take out the papers and the trash, or you don't get no spending cash
yakety yak (don't talk back)
So many broken people, lifetimes of verbal abuse
I would rather be alone than trapped in the word war
Give me solitude or give me death
I realize that my life style is not the norm, but as a 74 yr old male in good health i treasure living alone, not talking on the phone with no social life.
I do odd jobs at my church and talk to people there.
My life of solitude has shown me the fallacy of relationships. After all, all relationships end in abandonment.
It is fear, especially fear of death that causes us to huddle together.
All you i-phone, texting, gathering darlings are seeking validation.
When we talk it proves i exist.
When i need validation i can shoot off a comment to my favorite website.
The peace and quiet of my life is beyond comfort.
There used to be a song,
take out the papers and the trash, or you don't get no spending cash
yakety yak (don't talk back)
So many broken people, lifetimes of verbal abuse
I would rather be alone than trapped in the word war
Give me solitude or give me death
16
In our neighborhood lives a 93-year-old man, he is one of the most unusual people I have ever met. He rents an apartment on a hill and every morning he comes down walking using a walker to have coffee at our local Peet's coffee, even in the winter in freezing temperatures and rain he doesn't skip his routine, and he sits outside on a bench for couple of hours and chats with everyone, the baristas at the coffee shop, the other regulars and anyone who has time and inclination to respond to him and his friendliness. Not only is he social with people but he is very affectionate towards dogs as well, and who in return are very fond of him. He is proud of his age, touchwood, and will tell anybody who is willing to listen that he retired in 1983. After his many cups of coffee he makes a trip to the grocery store where he buys some frozen food dinners, comes back to hang out some more (he is friends with a nice couple in their seventies) and than goes back to his apartment on the hill. Ask him the secret of his long life and he says ---"to stay cheerful no matter what and eat fish and squash." Some of his stories we have heard many times over but because of his personality his stories haven't gotten old. He was married and divorced twice, has a sister but no children or grand children, he survived prostrate cancer, he is world war II veteran, he has some bitterness about his failed marriages but other than that I have never heard him complain. He has never complained of loneliness.
22
My goodness... This article resonates with me and I'm still in college.
22
That's a very disconnected time. You are leaving the "nest" and now must find your way alone. But not really, there's always the phone! It is the time in your life when you make yourself right with the world and steady your own core values, so of course you are gonna go off course for a time and feel at odds with yourself.
It's nothing to be ashamed about, it's a normal phase of life. Now you are looking for new attachments outside of your home, and might find it in groups or with individuals. Don't sell yourself short, you are a budding rose about to go full bloom. I know it doesn't help to tell you many of us envy your predicament. I know that isolated feeling. It sucked.
It's nothing to be ashamed about, it's a normal phase of life. Now you are looking for new attachments outside of your home, and might find it in groups or with individuals. Don't sell yourself short, you are a budding rose about to go full bloom. I know it doesn't help to tell you many of us envy your predicament. I know that isolated feeling. It sucked.
2
Loneliness is indeed corrosive. But so is being with boring, annoying people. I don't know which is worse. Most older adults alternate between the two.
67
That's often true, depending on the resources available for them to remain part of the community. It's the loneliness and isolation that often causes the dwindling of social skills, a rather vicious circle. I also sometimes notice the social skills changing within a few years of retirement, before they actually get old, due to the loss of being "checked" by the working/social environment they're no loner a part of. When we're too annoying at work, people push back on us, which helps to keep it in check. Away from work people will just avoid us.
The admonition for lonely people to connect with other lonely people has been challenged by Dr. Cacioppo. He said that when one is lonely, one is unlikely to be attractive to others, so the best plan is to help oneself accept one's state (albeit temporarily), find activities that nourish one alone, and then rejoin the world in search of companions. I, for one, in seeking new friends am not attracted to down-in-the-mouth folks. While I'm not looking for false cheerfulness, I want to develop friendships with others who can be mutual and have something to offer so I'm not doing all the giving.
18
The best way to help a grump out of their stuckness is to witness their anguish and let them know there is no shame in it. I know they want out of that hole they dug themselves, but they only have a shovel. If you care enough to witness their pain straight in the eye, they will come out of it. Once they see how deep is their hole, they might even reach out to a helping hand.
Just saying there are a lot of amazing Grinches out there. If you can handle their attitude, it might adjust itself. Ever heard of the rabbi who never gave up on the neo-nazi leaving him hate on the phone machine? The guy converted!
Just saying there are a lot of amazing Grinches out there. If you can handle their attitude, it might adjust itself. Ever heard of the rabbi who never gave up on the neo-nazi leaving him hate on the phone machine? The guy converted!
2
So many people have never learned to live alone. It's a skill set wilh value your entire life. Until you know yourself, you can't know what you have to offer to others. And if you aren't confident you can be happy by yourself, you will be constantly searching and making compromises about who you spend your time with.
25
Very, very true. I've said this my whole life - if you can't be content on your own, you won't be happy with anyone else. Solitude can be lovely - I live alone but I'm busy; I dearly cherish those days when its just me in my house, on my own, and I'm able to indulge myself however I like. I actually feel bad for people who don't get to do that.
5
Interesting that this article appeared at the same time as one pointing out that New York City is a great place to retire, because of good public transportation and strong person to person connections in stores and parks every few blocks. Well managed cities are good for the planet and good for our health.
8
Except that the subways require ability to go up and down stairs, and one must walk everywhere to do errands.
5
No mention of the fact that cowardly thugs in the city prey on older people rather than work for a living. If I were 80 or older, the last thing I'd want to do is become a target while taking advantage of the wonderful and clean n.y. transit system. Sure, you can meet people, just bring a taser.
1
Some of us are just misanthropes. There is nothing wrong with us. Mind your own business.
17
That old optimist/pessimist rub? Move over, you're crowding my club. Not a misanthrope, just dope to human foibles. I like that we call it hyper vigilance rather than paranoia, now.
But do not disconnect entirely or you will lose your attachment to reality. They are not always out to get us, there are lots of other suckers out there to be got. THAT's what's rubbing me at the moment. People's vulnerability to Reality Negotiations.
Take my home, a Trump supporter on the south end, and we forks don't even discuss him at dinner time. Not worth the chump change. I'm not driving to Texas every time Sis slips a disc; she's on my landing, now.
But do not disconnect entirely or you will lose your attachment to reality. They are not always out to get us, there are lots of other suckers out there to be got. THAT's what's rubbing me at the moment. People's vulnerability to Reality Negotiations.
Take my home, a Trump supporter on the south end, and we forks don't even discuss him at dinner time. Not worth the chump change. I'm not driving to Texas every time Sis slips a disc; she's on my landing, now.
1
I rest my case.
2
Get off my lawn!!
Look: " cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird will never change " (that song released in 1973 by 'Lynard Skynard').
Ahh...that all American illusion of self-sufficiency, that "John Wayne, Clint Eastwood" loner...without any strings attached; making love to someone today but tomorrow"baby, I've got too many places to see!"
This article, this branch of research (loneliness) -an indictment of this "do your thing; "see the world through YOUR frame of reference" (idiotic Peter Coyote, San Francisco circa 1967), yes, an indictment of all the self absorption, egotistic, hedonistic ethos of our declining culture.
Take care of your families, people, because in the age of the "which?", that is the only hope against such "loneliness".
Ahh...that all American illusion of self-sufficiency, that "John Wayne, Clint Eastwood" loner...without any strings attached; making love to someone today but tomorrow"baby, I've got too many places to see!"
This article, this branch of research (loneliness) -an indictment of this "do your thing; "see the world through YOUR frame of reference" (idiotic Peter Coyote, San Francisco circa 1967), yes, an indictment of all the self absorption, egotistic, hedonistic ethos of our declining culture.
Take care of your families, people, because in the age of the "which?", that is the only hope against such "loneliness".
4
The end result of feminism, pornography, the rejection of God and organized religion, combined with a nihilistic society obsessed with physical beauty and pop celebrity. This shouldn't be a surprise.
6
although I mostly don't agree I can see a point in the possible causes you are listing. But I don't get feminism, what exactly has feminism to do with becoming lonely?
3
To see no connection between feminism and this aspect of western society is a very shallow appraisal of 50 years plus impact of feminist this ideology on blood family and cohesive community ties.
2
feminism has devalued the work and social contribution of stay at home mothers and the correlated pressure for women to work results in a society where the family institution has been dramatically weakened at its core. Women are truly the heart of the family and serve a vital role in raising future citizens(not to make little of the fundamental role of fathers). The role of mothers in the home is too important to be interchangeable with a nanny and it's one of the ironies of feminism that in striving for equality with men feminists wind up idolizing male activities and qualities in a sexist diminishment of what is truly uniquely feminine genius. (Not to suggest women shouldn't work outside the home, just that raising children is important and fulfilling work as well!) Furthermore, hi-jacked feminism has promoted the me-focused, choice-obsessed society that puts kids and elderly aside for career, money, and self-fulfillment rather than an authentic feminism focused on the dignity and gifts that women can bring to the table. Finally, feminism has completely altered the family with the self-fulfillment obsession, resulting in "families" with zero or few children as the new norm, as well as delayed parenthood leading to old people having no grandchildren or being senile or dead before they are born, robbing many people of one of the major joys of old age. anyway, no one is home in any of the neighborhoods, desolate from 8-6, to care for children or aging parents.
2
Loneliness is also involved in feelings of worthlessness. Most people over 50 get the message, "you're on your own." Without children or grandchildren, or a strong social structure, it is easy to feel lost and alone, with no one to care. More needs to be done in this country to even acknowledge these problems, much less address them. Hysteria over "mysterious" increased death rates in middle-aged populations won't help unless these underlying problems are dealt with.
16
As a person with Asperger's, I know loneliness well. Aspies tend to have poor social skills and are therefore rejected socially.
After I learned I had Asperger's 10 years ago, I got some social skills training and have had more success in making friends than I used to. But given that I was 59 when I learned I had Asperger's, I was well past the prime of life, which is when people tend to develop their friendships.
And even with improved social skills, Aspies are often excluded socially because they can't follow non-verbal communication and don't understand the nuances of a social situation.
When ordinary people (neurotypicals) interact with Aspies, they often feel uncomfortable because the non-verbal back-and-forth that happens in most conversation is lacking. So without even consciously knowing why, neurotypicals often reject Aspies socially.
To all those neurotypicals out there, all I can say is that you should try a little harder to get to know someone who's socially awkward. You might learn that this awkward person is wonderful inside and well worth knowing.
After I learned I had Asperger's 10 years ago, I got some social skills training and have had more success in making friends than I used to. But given that I was 59 when I learned I had Asperger's, I was well past the prime of life, which is when people tend to develop their friendships.
And even with improved social skills, Aspies are often excluded socially because they can't follow non-verbal communication and don't understand the nuances of a social situation.
When ordinary people (neurotypicals) interact with Aspies, they often feel uncomfortable because the non-verbal back-and-forth that happens in most conversation is lacking. So without even consciously knowing why, neurotypicals often reject Aspies socially.
To all those neurotypicals out there, all I can say is that you should try a little harder to get to know someone who's socially awkward. You might learn that this awkward person is wonderful inside and well worth knowing.
26
I do not say this out of self pity but the reality is that it is much harder for women over 50 to find male companions than vice versa. Men stay attractive for most of their lives but women become unappealing with age. Men usually look for younger women and even slim and attractive older women become completely invisible. If you are not slim or pretty it is even worse. This is a devastating subset of age discrimination that is rarely discussed. I hope that in time this will change for the women younger than me. Luckily I have been mostly content living alone and have an active learning life and some good friends as well as enough money to go out socially.
44
I think it's even worse than you describe. I've reached the age of 'invisibility" and it is utterly shocking. Single women are not a blight on society--but I am often treated as though I am one.
13
Kathleen, I don't disagree with you, but I wonder if this is changing over time. I know several guys (including myself - hint, hint) who only date women their own age. I can't speak for them, but I do it because that's what I'm attracted to. Simple as that. I just don't feel comfortable dating women who are much younger or older than me.
7
As a man of 59, I have maintained my looks and fitness by eating well, exercising, running, generally taking care of myself. Women, as they age, would be well advised to stay fit if you don't want to be "invisible."
4
One of the top five scourges of Modern Age. We have evolved to the point that we have separated ourselves through divorces, technology, careers, migration, forgoing parenthood, and economic destitution, such that old age is becoming this endless lonely tunnel with death as the only outcome, with this long interlude of silence as our companions. It's a living death.
Technology is only exacerbating what has long been a problem. Technology has made it an epidemic. Living online is simply not living at all. It's just existing. There's no there, there. I see "middle age" friends on Facebook posting endless memes echoing their loneliness and pain.
The world is in peril. Now more than any time in human history has a need for connecting all people, leaving no person behind, to take part in confronting issues of a warming world, and the need to work and connect with one another if for no other reason than we must collectively stare down ecological threats that could make us extinct.
Put down the smartphones, and grab the hand of your neighbor next door, and across the globe. We are all in this together, and we must build a table for Beryl to sit at with the rest of the world. Loneliness is not only a disease, it's a crime. But the good news is that we can break down the walls that are choking us, and robbing us of the human connection that passes light from me to you. Let Beryl be a lesson and a warning--this is happening in epidemic proportions. Beryl is all of us.
Technology is only exacerbating what has long been a problem. Technology has made it an epidemic. Living online is simply not living at all. It's just existing. There's no there, there. I see "middle age" friends on Facebook posting endless memes echoing their loneliness and pain.
The world is in peril. Now more than any time in human history has a need for connecting all people, leaving no person behind, to take part in confronting issues of a warming world, and the need to work and connect with one another if for no other reason than we must collectively stare down ecological threats that could make us extinct.
Put down the smartphones, and grab the hand of your neighbor next door, and across the globe. We are all in this together, and we must build a table for Beryl to sit at with the rest of the world. Loneliness is not only a disease, it's a crime. But the good news is that we can break down the walls that are choking us, and robbing us of the human connection that passes light from me to you. Let Beryl be a lesson and a warning--this is happening in epidemic proportions. Beryl is all of us.
17
"But the good news is that we can break down the walls that are choking us ..."
We have about as much chance of doing that as we have of ending facebook and tinder; expecting our government to pass on the next war, and expecting our mass media to report honestly on Russia, Israel, Wall Street, and the Pentagon.
Ain't never gonna happen. The word is in peril, yes; after peril comes doom. We're there.
We have about as much chance of doing that as we have of ending facebook and tinder; expecting our government to pass on the next war, and expecting our mass media to report honestly on Russia, Israel, Wall Street, and the Pentagon.
Ain't never gonna happen. The word is in peril, yes; after peril comes doom. We're there.
1
When we are young and healthy, we protect fiercely our independence and privacy, and this extends to the independence and privacy of each nuclear family. Even grandparents should not interfere how their children parent their children. Is it any surprise that there will be alone people, cocooned in their independence and private life that they are lonely?
In the 21st century, the word "community" has lost its actual functional meaning. Without community, people will be lonely, especially when they are old, and sick, and poor and serve no obvious functional need to others.
In the 21st century, the word "community" has lost its actual functional meaning. Without community, people will be lonely, especially when they are old, and sick, and poor and serve no obvious functional need to others.
10
As the English say, "Brilliant!" I recently moved to a new town and my wife will not join me for several months. It is unbelievably lonely for me. I wish there were a Men's Shed program here. It would have made a huge difference in my life.
10
Depressed people or people with certain medical/ psychological conditions have barriers to overcome in order to get out. But if you are otherwise healthy, consider reaching out on your own. Don't know about where you are but in the US, there are tons of programs that seek out elderly volunteers.....especially for their knowledge (e.g. SCORE for business people) or as role models for younger people (e.g. http://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/senior-corps ). And tons more that do not care how old you are. I belong to a local Toastmasters club and it's cool to see the millenials and seniors interact and learn from each other. (I'm in between as a GenX.)
1
Years ago, "The Atlantic" magazine ran a cover story about happiness. It was fascinating, and based on a multi-generational study of graduates from Harvard. What they discovered was that people who developed networks of friends during their lives were the "happiest" people, regardless of status or financial achievement.
For whatever reason, these people had placed a premium --wittingly or unwittingly -- on having good personal relationships in their lives. So, when they went through bad times in life -- which is inevitable -- they had the soul-nurturing support of their friends to help them get through it all.
One problem is that American society places such an emphasis on striving and wealth accumulation, that people seem to forget that you always need friends. The people you work with don't count, because those tend to be superficial relationships based on personal achievement and status.
And, depression immobilizes people. When they need to get out and socialize, they are paralyzed by their feelings of hopelessness.
The answer to depression, loneliness and unhappiness? Develop genuine friendships during your lifetime, i.e., the more the merrier.
For whatever reason, these people had placed a premium --wittingly or unwittingly -- on having good personal relationships in their lives. So, when they went through bad times in life -- which is inevitable -- they had the soul-nurturing support of their friends to help them get through it all.
One problem is that American society places such an emphasis on striving and wealth accumulation, that people seem to forget that you always need friends. The people you work with don't count, because those tend to be superficial relationships based on personal achievement and status.
And, depression immobilizes people. When they need to get out and socialize, they are paralyzed by their feelings of hopelessness.
The answer to depression, loneliness and unhappiness? Develop genuine friendships during your lifetime, i.e., the more the merrier.
26
The MacArthur Foundation did a study on successful aging, and found that (my best recollection, not an exact quote) two factors made the difference: a network of friends (not necessarily family); and--this surprised me, although it makes sense in alleviating loneliness--attendance at professional meetings. Although it had something to do with longevity, my dad, who lived to almost 95, epitomized those attributes. He'd been a college teacher, and had a long list of colleagues and former students, and former classmates. He even attended his high school reunion decades later. In addition, he never missed the annual meetings of his national professional organization (as well as co-founding a regional association in the Midwest) until his wife developed Alzheimer's. He also kept his own house when his wife retired (and bought her own house across town--they were both too established in their ways to combine households) and they were devoted to each other. They kept in touch with and visited both families.
1
I absolutely guarantee that no one is lonely when with their dog.
31
An issue, though, is that as people age they may be less able to afford their pets, if the people are living on a fixed income. This might be something to address.
A dog also forces one to get out of the house to walk the animal if one does not have a yard, for example. Even with a yard, it helps the dog and person to walk. They meet others. Taking care of a dog can give a sense of purpose too. I have a senior community across from my home. As I head off to work in the morning I enjoy seeing and greeting those walking their pets.
A dog also forces one to get out of the house to walk the animal if one does not have a yard, for example. Even with a yard, it helps the dog and person to walk. They meet others. Taking care of a dog can give a sense of purpose too. I have a senior community across from my home. As I head off to work in the morning I enjoy seeing and greeting those walking their pets.
1
Everything is deserving public funds to socialist. Nobody is more alone than I am at times. Recently I just spent 30 days at sea by myself. I live on a sailboat and travel the world alone. I am the type to really enjoy being around groups of people so it is not like I am searching to be alone, it is just how things have turned out. I however, am not a wimp and can deal with it. Either get over it or get friends, don't go expecting other's to chip in money to solve your personal problems.
1
Welcome to my world and I am not even a senior!
16
Hello, RD,
We have longer a life to look forward, too, as well. I feel more hopeful when I ignore those who insist the world is coming apart at the seems, or subject them to some ribald lampooning. Seems pretty freaking nice to me, but I finally broke down and got some therapy. Before that, I could only see things that confirmed my coping by withdrawing. Resentment finding.
Emotion Focused Therapy was not even available eight years ago, so in benefit finding, those years might have wound up a lost cause, anyway.
We have longer a life to look forward, too, as well. I feel more hopeful when I ignore those who insist the world is coming apart at the seems, or subject them to some ribald lampooning. Seems pretty freaking nice to me, but I finally broke down and got some therapy. Before that, I could only see things that confirmed my coping by withdrawing. Resentment finding.
Emotion Focused Therapy was not even available eight years ago, so in benefit finding, those years might have wound up a lost cause, anyway.
No recognition that pets can make people feel less lonely. Lots of animals need homes and they provide companionship, and some give love. Persons who could walk with a 4 legged would make connections with 2 legged neighbors.
23
We all need someone to listen to what we have to say. Hello, hello....anyone there?
5
Close couples really depend on each other and when life brings a change it is tough. I just reached 80 and now my 73 year old wife has started losing her memory. It means we are going through a big change. It is tougher and tougher to have meaningful conversations. Our children live up north. I am starting to feel more lonely. I guess this is natural.
11
I'm sorry to hear of your wife's decline. I'm struck though by the fact that you are still engaged (eg reading the NYT) and are computer literate enough to at least post a comment here. You know, Facebook gets trashed a lot by people but it really is a great way to stay engaged with others and to follow interests. You may already have an account and, if you do, I think that's great.
8
Please contact Alzheimer's organization for a support group near you. Take care of yourself too.
4
I am older, not married and no children. Even though I'm disabled, I continue to work up to 20 hours a week to get myself out and into the public. I don't need the money, but the social connections are important. I had several very close friends, but they've all died of cancer and it's tough to make close friendships when you get older. That's been very frustrating. But I do have dogs and they also get me out walking where again I interact with others walking dogs or those who want to pet my dogs and start a conversation. It all helps, but isolated people need to take the initiative.
45
I'm glad your dogs provide you with a bridge to others. In my experience, social isolation sometimes is connected with depression and/or anxiety, and in those states, taking initiative is very difficult.
9
I am glad that you're doing what you can to remain connected to your community (and bless the pets). However, we all know that many folks living solo have no pets (allergies, housing regulations, cost) and so cannot benefit from their TLC.
What can we do for all those pet-free people who not only feel very alone, but have physical or psychological disabilities preventing them from utilizing the options you enjoy (including the ability to work despite your disability)?
Perhaps this article, and others like it, will help us in the US realize the vast need for programs, including caring organizations which, in partnership with social services and health providers, could create "RHT" programs (responsive human touch) that would allow solo sufferers to reach out, via phone or Internet, to a citizen-volunteer, who could come round and whose presence alone would give good reason to want to get up and out.
I mean, pets are fabulous lifesavers, but how about bringing more humans into the picture as well, yes?
What can we do for all those pet-free people who not only feel very alone, but have physical or psychological disabilities preventing them from utilizing the options you enjoy (including the ability to work despite your disability)?
Perhaps this article, and others like it, will help us in the US realize the vast need for programs, including caring organizations which, in partnership with social services and health providers, could create "RHT" programs (responsive human touch) that would allow solo sufferers to reach out, via phone or Internet, to a citizen-volunteer, who could come round and whose presence alone would give good reason to want to get up and out.
I mean, pets are fabulous lifesavers, but how about bringing more humans into the picture as well, yes?
The one thing that gives me hope when seeing the effects on loneliness is that its cure is self fulfilling. If a lonely person reaches out, in what ever small way, to another person who is lonely then two are cured. Too often we ignore those around us that we see very day. Every person has hopes, dreams, defeats, and pain in their life and the simple act of acknowledgment not only validates the other person but also brings a sense of connections to both. Too often we wrap our selves up in our own little worlds and discount those around us as being uncaring and remote but with a simple inquiry or sympathetic act we can find a wealth of human connection all around us. Yes, these relationships may be casual or superficial but they are basis from which true emotional bounds can be formed. Not very person you meet can make up for a tragic divorce, a distant child, or estranged family but they can be an source for hope and compassion which is missing in so many peoples lives these days...
21
Modern times. Small families. Big distances. Those of us in our sixties who are lucky enough to still have our parents struggle to support them emotionally. And we see our futures in them and hope our kids will try as hard for us.
16
Surprised not many are commenting on loneliness as a natural result of societies in which no one is having children and the family as an institution is being gradually dismantled. Traditionally parents raised their own children and in turn adult children cared for aging parents. Now all of that has changed so the fate of modern man appears to be be raised in group institutions as kids, spend a life working as a peon of the state and finally to die alone in a state run institution. while of course marriage will never be for everyone, giving of yourself for someone else (getting married possibly, sacrificing even career at times to have and raise children and passing those values to your kids) keeps a sacrificial love in the family and bears fruit for society, not to mention preventing these kind of public health crises. This is very sad and my heart goes out to those suffering from lonliness caused by an increasingly isolating society that undermines family with empty self-fulfillment focused values.
22
Nonsense. Marriage and the nuclear family are the bedrock of patriarchy and misogyny and have oppressed women for thousands of years. That way of doing things has to be dismantled and very slowly is. There will be bumps in the road and adjustments and that is what we're seeing now. The fruit borne for "society" was borne mostly for men, while women suffered from domestic violence, depression and unfulfilled human potential; certainly a health crises far worse than loneliness.
8
Hoyagirl is so right. I'm disappointed that the reporter devoted zero space to the humane duty of living kin to alleviate loneliness, and not just in older people. And, no, "I don't like old Gertrude (or Jim)" is no excuse.
3
Family force us to be more open as we often select friends who think like us. As we are both childless, my SinL and I came to realize we were vulnerable as we took care of her father's decline. Now she lives with us, with all her FOX friends.
To be honest, I'm hoping Megyn Kelly walks away from FOX and leads Sis into the REAL 21st Century. She doesn't need some Key man to do her exit doors, thank you.
To be honest, I'm hoping Megyn Kelly walks away from FOX and leads Sis into the REAL 21st Century. She doesn't need some Key man to do her exit doors, thank you.
In ancient India and in Tibetan Buddhism, meditation practitioners engage in prolonged periods of retreat (five years in some cases of complete isolation from civilization). Instead of mental illness and poor health we notice stronger mental health and good physical health with greater equanimity. Just wondering if all those folks suffering loneliness and depression, instead tried to engage in a meditation practice in their lives, would they see a positive impact?
For these patients at least it looks like it might be all in the mind after all.
No need for discretionary income to go to movies and clubs to obviate depression and loneliness
For these patients at least it looks like it might be all in the mind after all.
No need for discretionary income to go to movies and clubs to obviate depression and loneliness
23
In many ways this is the perfect NYT "health" story. Medicalize a facet of the human condition that may well result from personal choices. Throw in an exotic "brain region" and a suggestive rodent-based experiment. Imply that people not interested in the intervention du jour are just too depressed to ask for it. Take some time to note that these things are handled better in Europe, and don't forget the gender angle! Drench it all in unacknowledged condescension, and leverage to justify more money for the state and enhanced surveillance of a large part of the population.
Why, it writes itself!
Why, it writes itself!
14
Having taken care of my mother for 12 years until she passed I noticed that married couples seem to discriminate against widowed and single people. After my father died my mother saw most of her married friends drift away. Both my parents were out going social people, they traveled, went out dancing and held and attended parties frequently. They had a large circle of married friends. After my father's death these friends would stop by at Christmas acting as if they were doing a good deed by visiting the widow once a year. When my mother turned 75 my brother and I arranged a birthday party for her at a local restaurant. We invited 12 people including some family members, neighbors and 2 old friends. None of the old circle of married friends were invited. I received many urgent phone calls from the old circle of friends telling me how rude I was not to invite them. I told each person who called how rude they had been by forgetting my mother for many years and how much she enjoyed her party with close friends and family. I have had a similar experience as my mother since I became single. My married friends have drifted away over time also. When you get old there are many silent forms of discrimination that you don't expect and can't see until you get there.
115
Very similar esoteric to getting divorced!
My Question is for Doctors.
This Loneliness is caused by Individual or by the present society & its working?
What part Family is responsible by neglect of seniors?
Is this strictly mental, physical and/or medical problem?
This Loneliness is caused by Individual or by the present society & its working?
What part Family is responsible by neglect of seniors?
Is this strictly mental, physical and/or medical problem?
3
Of course. In the US, we like to study everything, but do almost nothing about the results, because of well, you know, "taxes."
At the same time that we praise the medical community's ability to lengthen our lives, we cut old people out of society, forcing them to retire at age 65, or refusing to hire older people who can't afford to retire. The Times had another article yesterday on the problem that older workers face: they can't get work, even if they are very skilled, because of prejudices toward older folk.
And all of this is underpinned by our beloved concept of "rugged individualism," which we use to openly shame people who admit that they need other people in their lives, and embrace the notion that we are in this life together.
And you young folk - why should you care? Because this is going to happen to you someday. Your smooth skin is going to wrinkle, your supple joints are going to ache, you will develop bags and shadows and lose your hair. No matter how much you exercise or how well you eat, or how much Botox you have shot into your face, this is going to happen to you. Someday it will be even harder to find a good job than it is now (imagine that!). Someday your spouse will die, your kids will have moved a thousand miles away, and your friends will die, one by one. No one is immune to this.
Either we fight this together, or we all go down alone.
At the same time that we praise the medical community's ability to lengthen our lives, we cut old people out of society, forcing them to retire at age 65, or refusing to hire older people who can't afford to retire. The Times had another article yesterday on the problem that older workers face: they can't get work, even if they are very skilled, because of prejudices toward older folk.
And all of this is underpinned by our beloved concept of "rugged individualism," which we use to openly shame people who admit that they need other people in their lives, and embrace the notion that we are in this life together.
And you young folk - why should you care? Because this is going to happen to you someday. Your smooth skin is going to wrinkle, your supple joints are going to ache, you will develop bags and shadows and lose your hair. No matter how much you exercise or how well you eat, or how much Botox you have shot into your face, this is going to happen to you. Someday it will be even harder to find a good job than it is now (imagine that!). Someday your spouse will die, your kids will have moved a thousand miles away, and your friends will die, one by one. No one is immune to this.
Either we fight this together, or we all go down alone.
52
This, exactly. Depressing.
an impersonal realm led by greedy fools yields such things
6
I once saw a news item on TV about an aboriginal woman (somewhere in South America) that had to be helicoptered out of her extremely remote village to a hospital. When she came back the entire village came out to greet her and that helicopter. I thought to myself, I could end up in the hospital and not even my next-door-neighbor would know, or care! Truthfully, I wonder how much better off we'd be if we had emotional needs met rather than material needs.
59
It kind of blows my mind that feeling lonely is regarded as a stigma. Perhaps explains why Facebook is an endless stream of images of people having fun with their family and friends. FB channels the fear of being stigmatized by doubling down on it.
37
Funny I feel the exact opposite about Facebook. I think you're being a little to cynical about people. Everyone is just bragging about how great their life is because they post pictures of events and outings? You don't have to take that position. Enjoy it for what it is. If you find certain people's posts to be just constantly boasting about how great their life is and don't you wish you were me, you can ignore that. Can't you?
As you get older, especially if single, get used to being alone. I haven't gotten an XMAS gift or holiday visit in at least 10 years. Not crying about it.
15
18years for me. You don't get use to it. You just learn to hide it well.
14
In ancient Indian subcontinent, life was divided into four stages, the last stage being sannyasa. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sannyasa
"Saṃnyāsa in Sanskrit means "renunciation of the world" and "abandonment". It is a composite word of saṃ- which means "together, all", ni- which means "down" and āsa from the root as, meaning "to throw" or "to put". A literal translation of Sannyāsa is thus "to put down everything, all of it". Sannyasa is sometimes spelled as Sanyasa."
"He is known as a permanent Sannyasin who does not hate, does not desire, is without dualities (opposites). Truly, Mahabao (Arjuna), he is liberated from bondage.
— Bhagavad Gita, Hymn 5.3"
"in sanyasa stage, the interest is the Universe with its universal consciousness. Interest in the universal consciousness is identification with total existence in its deepest being."
Apparently, delving into the universal consciousness is such a juicy phenomenon that people once taste it, want it to never stop...
"Saṃnyāsa in Sanskrit means "renunciation of the world" and "abandonment". It is a composite word of saṃ- which means "together, all", ni- which means "down" and āsa from the root as, meaning "to throw" or "to put". A literal translation of Sannyāsa is thus "to put down everything, all of it". Sannyasa is sometimes spelled as Sanyasa."
"He is known as a permanent Sannyasin who does not hate, does not desire, is without dualities (opposites). Truly, Mahabao (Arjuna), he is liberated from bondage.
— Bhagavad Gita, Hymn 5.3"
"in sanyasa stage, the interest is the Universe with its universal consciousness. Interest in the universal consciousness is identification with total existence in its deepest being."
Apparently, delving into the universal consciousness is such a juicy phenomenon that people once taste it, want it to never stop...
11
It often takes a little discretionary cash to avoid loneliness...a movie, lunch, or even coffee with friend(s). Millions of older Americans don't have that discretionary cash, and often purposely avoid social situations that require spending money, even a small amount. Not everything is free. The cost of almost everything older folks need goes up every year. Social Security recipients often don't get even a one dollar per month annual increase...like this year.
131
Completely true! There will be no SS increase at all next year, either, from what I have read. According to some experts, the total absence of ANY COLA at all for 5 years during the Obama Administration amounts to a (stealthy) 25 percent cut in SS benefits, meaning seniors can't afford to leave their homes and interact with anyone. But you won't find the media covering the story.
34
Add in near 0 interest rates and fixed income is really negative income
9
This year and many before it. There hasn't been a cost of living increase in so many years that we have quit anticipating that there might ever be one. After all, it's not as if the cost of living is going up, is it?
2
This excellent article should go beyond its focus on old people. While they may be most poignantly and saliently alone, this loss of connection is really a critical issue for our age. Look at books like Robert Putnam's "Bowling Alone" which chronicles the breakdown of so many social groupings. Or Sebastian Junger's recent "Tribe" which looks at the way we bond into communities. It is a cliche, but man really is a social animal and we look for those connections. Some lonely people find them in gangs or jihadi groups or various other groupings that define themselves in opposition to others. Others find more positive milieus. But the fact is that Modern humankind, increasingly living in huge globalized urban areas, has lost the communities that defined us for most of the millennia that our species has been present on this planet. In those groupings, old people would not be alone. Neither would teenagers or the middle age. All would be part of a community. It is not a coincident that in Third World countries where such agricultural-centered communities still dominate, suicide is almost unheard of. For certain, those community groupings often defined themselves in opposition to others as well, leading to warfare. But as those identities are broken down, the connections that keep us from being alone and lonely are too often severed.
83
Seniors are more alone, because in many cases, their friends have all died. And many have no money available to spend on activities that might bring them into contact with new people.
13
But there are many people who are just unpleasant to share time with.
1
This is heartbreaking. Does anyone know if we have such a service in the US?
9
In Portland, we have meals-on-wheels centers where older people can gather for meals, instead of waiting for them to be delivered at home. They play bingo before meals and often have guest entertainers.
Also, my local grocery store has a large eating area where people can eat meals cooked at the deli, drink coffee from a barista, or microwave frozen meals they buy in the store. I see the same groups of elderly people meeting their friends there every day.
Some person should create a blog that records many of the stories that older people tell. My retired brother is an ombudsman who visits people in retirement homes and listens to all kinds of stories. The stories are out they. They just need to be "captured" and shared. (These stories might even get the interest of family members, who often never ask their parents questions about their lives.)
Also, my local grocery store has a large eating area where people can eat meals cooked at the deli, drink coffee from a barista, or microwave frozen meals they buy in the store. I see the same groups of elderly people meeting their friends there every day.
Some person should create a blog that records many of the stories that older people tell. My retired brother is an ombudsman who visits people in retirement homes and listens to all kinds of stories. The stories are out they. They just need to be "captured" and shared. (These stories might even get the interest of family members, who often never ask their parents questions about their lives.)
7
Wondering whether what we have considered before about loneliness continues to make sense in our current environment. Presently technology appears to have pride of place in our social dealings, supplanting the attachment figures we used to rely upon. The question arises whether the individual who has less need for human contact will have survival advantages that those who suffer loneliness will not. Yet is it reasonably apparent that texting is almost non-stop. Time will tell how our culture will shape itself to meet our needs, or whether our needs will be sacrificed to our appliances.
14
9th decade & declining fast, respondent has been isolated lifelong [who can put up w/a reform activist who needs 14 hpd of academic stimulus & debate?]...wife kidnapped our seven year-old daughter, dragging her abroad, where even at age 16 she can't be reached or rescued...life is a blind struggle whose reward is The Void...Freud said those doomed to think seriously about fundamentals should not expect surcease...will we have it any easier uploaded to clones & syntels in a brain-linked elysium [per Bostrom et alia]?
7
Many younger lonely people connect to chat groups on the Internet. A friend told me that he was able to talk about his feelings in these chat rooms as they were anonymous so he did not feel ashamed of acknowledging his vulnerability.
Older people are not adept with a computer but they could be taught to participate in such chats. This is not a replacement for get togetherness but would supplement them and could be used on days when the person is physically unable to venture out.
Older people are not adept with a computer but they could be taught to participate in such chats. This is not a replacement for get togetherness but would supplement them and could be used on days when the person is physically unable to venture out.
8
This is a very good idea, especially in regions where weather may prevent older folks from getting out some of the time--too cold & snowy, too hot & humid.
3
My 83-year-old father-in-law worked in computer programming since the 60s and my husband and I both worked with them beginning in the early 80s. We are not unusual. So unless you are referring to 125-year-olds living in caves somewhere you may want to rethink your ignorant bias.
11
I'm nearly 65 years old and I'm very tech oriented. Use the top of the line smart phones and program them to do what they are meant to do, including jail breaking them. I maintain software and hardware and maintain our WiFi and keep my digital devices up to date.
I'm the one younger people ask how to operate their devices. We're not all fuddy duddies confused by a keyboard.
I'm the one younger people ask how to operate their devices. We're not all fuddy duddies confused by a keyboard.
5
Loneliness has existed since there have been social organisms on the planet. Some of us are lonely because of events that occurred in our lives that made us shy away from people. Others are lonely because no one talks to them due to their differences: they're physically or mentally handicapped, they aren't welcome in the neighborhood they live in, or they respond in unpleasant ways when others say hello to them, etc.. There's no one reason for loneliness and no one solution.
As I get older I find that there are fewer people I connect with. I didn't make a lot of friends when I was young because I was the school cootie and my parents were abusive. I felt completely unlovable and unlikeable at home and in school. Once I knew that I wasn't liked any place or by anyone I stopped trying to make friends. The last close friend I had told me, a year ago after nearly 25 years, that it was longer there for her and she didn't want to hear from me. It's funny because I was there for her for two bouts of cancer, her father's death, her sister's death, and a very rough bout of CFS when she was in grad school.
What I've noticed most in America is that unless you are always cheerful and ready to give people don't want to be around you. If you are upset about something past the time they think you should be they don't want to be around you. If you are needy in any way, they don't want to be around you. In short, in America, loneliness is easy to come by.
As I get older I find that there are fewer people I connect with. I didn't make a lot of friends when I was young because I was the school cootie and my parents were abusive. I felt completely unlovable and unlikeable at home and in school. Once I knew that I wasn't liked any place or by anyone I stopped trying to make friends. The last close friend I had told me, a year ago after nearly 25 years, that it was longer there for her and she didn't want to hear from me. It's funny because I was there for her for two bouts of cancer, her father's death, her sister's death, and a very rough bout of CFS when she was in grad school.
What I've noticed most in America is that unless you are always cheerful and ready to give people don't want to be around you. If you are upset about something past the time they think you should be they don't want to be around you. If you are needy in any way, they don't want to be around you. In short, in America, loneliness is easy to come by.
136
I found your comment moving. The last paragraph is especially true. Though the article referred more to elderly people it seems, I feel that loneliness is a problem for all ages. I lost my husband to cancer two months ago. We were still madly in love even after fifteen years and found our happiness in each other. Needless to say, l am now totally and completely alone. We, as a couple were well liked so I didn't expect to be so left alone, almost shunned, after his death. His loss has left me with the anguish that is loneliness and if this is what I have to look forward to at the age of 59 then, no thanks!! Loneliness is hell!!
128
Jen.Max57, I'm so sorry for your loss. There's nothing I can say or do to help you. I wish you well and I do hope that at some point, through happenstance or deliberately, you find a circle of friends again or at least one good friend.
18
Thanks so much. I hope you find this interview as inspiring as I did http://www.salon.com/2016/09/03/david-lynch-in-conversation-it-is-ignora...
IN the same vein, apparently one doesn't have to go nowhere to renew oneself http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/83817738/is-meditation-as-go...
IN the same vein, apparently one doesn't have to go nowhere to renew oneself http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/83817738/is-meditation-as-go...
5
This is not merely a First World matter. I have been involved in a study of Mexican communities where more than 50% of the population over 65 is clinically depressed. This because the older generation matured in an environment where people expected to age surrounded by younger relatives only to find that high rates of out-migration left them largely isolated in their senior years. You expect to find life in old age rich in intimate relationships with children, grandchildren, nieces, and an extended family only to confront the reality they live in Mexico City, Ciudad Juarez, or Los Angeles. One consequence has been greatly increased volumes of walk-in patients at community medical clinics where they present themselves afflicted by vague pains or similar complaints when the real issue is isolation and to have social contact. Waiting to talk with the nurse and a few minutes of attention may be the only interaction with others an elderly person will manage in community settings long defined by high levels of social contact. Thus while discussions such as this article naturally focus on our more immediate settings the challenges of loneliness and isolation it describes are not unique to complex modern societies but mark realties elsewhere as well.
31
Laziness especially mental laziness is a great source of loneliness!
6
Loneliness is a blessing compared to the togetherness in a noisy bar. People still do not realize that the development of intellectual powers and is a must for anyone. This cannot be done without having good books, good music and love of nature and people as a habit since the childhood. The most solitary people are, I think, are the ones fingering their cell phones and people watching television. The best company one has is his/her own.
13
I heartily agree. But it's still important to get out now and again -- if only to appreciate one's bookish solitude all the more afterwards.
John Prine said it best" hello in there"
13
Animals help relieve loneliness. Can't have a dog or cat? Then get a rabbit, hamster, guinea pig, rat, ferret, canary...or two!
Just make sure to arrange for the animal's care in case it outlives you, which is more likely to happen with birds, cats, and dogs since they have long life spans.
Just make sure to arrange for the animal's care in case it outlives you, which is more likely to happen with birds, cats, and dogs since they have long life spans.
32
This is silly. And very poor science journalism. There is an association between certain medical conditions and loneliness. That's a fact. But this is only suggests that loneliness could cause certain medical conditions. It could work the other way around: if you are crippled you can't get out to see people so you get lonely. If your mind doesn't work very well, people avoid interacting with you so you get lonely. And so on and so forth.
4
Such is the price to be paid in cultures where "independence" and "privacy" are priced above family, friendship, and sharing your space on a daily basis with those who love you and care about you.
22
I am from Ireland and the local pub was a place where men and women would go to to see and talk to others in their community. Often houses in the rural parts of Ireland are a long distance from each other. Older folk would drive to their local pub if they didn't live in the local town. Then came the absolutely strict drink and drive laws, and now the luxury of seeing and speaking with your peers has been taken away. There is a epidemic of loneliness in Ireland, which is a little island and it's terrible. Another problem is that women need to work and thus do not have time to visit their elderly parents.
22
Yeah...so what else is new....we knew this in the stone age...for that matter in the garden of eden...that is why God created Eve...
Hello.....
Hello.....
5
Best to the wife. There is one, yes?
5
Thank you for your reply Lorem...yes three of them...nobody said trying to find the cure for loneliness was easy.
2
As mentioned in a previous reader's comment mobility based on age and health effects degrees of loneliness. A majority of the helpline cases in England were elderly shut ins without access to living in an independent or assisted living community with other adults. Couples can still experience bouts of loneliness when the significant other is away. To fight these feelings one must be at peace with oneself while alone and be able to appreciate the quiet times for reading, studying,catching up on phone calls, listening to music or watching shows affords. Many of us are used to living alone and are not lonely. As mentioned before you can be in the middle of a crowd and still be lonely. At those times it can be a motivator to initiate conversations with people close by whom you never met. As a new widower the feelings came to me frequently. By totally reinventing my life, having the love and support of my family, expanding my group of male friends, going out with people, joining my local JCC, and online dating, I was able to create new single world with people who I now have social contact with. Women have a much easier time than men as they possess a large network of women friends men do not have. It took much effort and time but recognizing the life I knew was gone, my life had changed, and adaptation to the here and now has helped combat loneliness. There is not one single man or woman I know who I have asked: Do you feel lonely at times? who hasn't answered "yes."
11
People are not able to work at the same company for most of their lives, nor do companies remain in the same country. Factories close, as do other workplaces. Or else workers are expected to move many times across the country to find work. All in the name of "flexibilty"(e.g. what is convenient for capitalists). Unions are broken, as are community organizations (ACORN is just one example). A hyper-individualistic consumer-based identity system is imposed on people's psyche on all sides. Are people lonely sometimes in places like Italy, or France? Sure, but not as likely as in the US or UK where neoliberal free market capitalism has run amok, being allowed to completely destroy communities (Detroit, Flint, now the pipeline in the Dakota on sacred Native American land). If loneliness is a public health problem, the cause is free market capitalism. Some version of Socialism is the cure. Community and employment stability, so even in retirement you know your former colleagues and neighbors, is public health, not possible if the market rules.
40
From an article in the NYT:
"I was raised as an only child and have always valued the time I spend alone. I love my family and I enjoy my friends but when I come home at night and shut the door I want the rest of the world to stay outside. I think May Sarton said it best, "loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." I would prefer the company of a good book over the inane chatter of social discourse anytime."
"I was raised as an only child and have always valued the time I spend alone. I love my family and I enjoy my friends but when I come home at night and shut the door I want the rest of the world to stay outside. I think May Sarton said it best, "loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." I would prefer the company of a good book over the inane chatter of social discourse anytime."
73
Not everyone who lives alone is lonely. Some people treasure their solitude and wouldn't function well if forced to live itch others.
The real culprits are the stereotypes associated with aging and age discrimination in the workplace. Older people who participate in activities are often singled out in a negative way ("How nice to see someone your age...") or ignored. Many businesses won't hire older people for meaningful jobs and many people won't do business with older business owners and service providers.
To cure loneliness among the elderly, increase career options and attack stereotypes and slurs. Not everyone over 65 wants to go to tea parties or do volunteer work.
The real culprits are the stereotypes associated with aging and age discrimination in the workplace. Older people who participate in activities are often singled out in a negative way ("How nice to see someone your age...") or ignored. Many businesses won't hire older people for meaningful jobs and many people won't do business with older business owners and service providers.
To cure loneliness among the elderly, increase career options and attack stereotypes and slurs. Not everyone over 65 wants to go to tea parties or do volunteer work.
77
I have wanted freedom to swing my arm. I know my freedom ends where someone's nose begins. So I have been moving further and further away from other people's noses. I am smug in my knowledge that I am free to swing my arms.
After 30-40 or even 50 years, I might have second thoughts about swinging my arms because of the distance it has produced. But, what are the chances I can bridge the gap that I have created: Zero, I guess.
No one wants to die alone, in pain, and slowly. But the cost of being close to others for a lifetime - just to prevent a lonely ending - is not just iffy (i.e., it may happen anyway), it also comes at a great price (i.e., putting up with others and never swinging your arm).
Strike a balance? Sure. Easier said.
Kalidan
After 30-40 or even 50 years, I might have second thoughts about swinging my arms because of the distance it has produced. But, what are the chances I can bridge the gap that I have created: Zero, I guess.
No one wants to die alone, in pain, and slowly. But the cost of being close to others for a lifetime - just to prevent a lonely ending - is not just iffy (i.e., it may happen anyway), it also comes at a great price (i.e., putting up with others and never swinging your arm).
Strike a balance? Sure. Easier said.
Kalidan
13
The article little mentions the effects of the computer/smartphone world. Clearly there are both positive and negative aspects. I couldn't say whether the social media explosion has had a beneficial bottom line or not, it seems complex, or even whether its a cause or an effect. The computer illiteracy of, or disdain by, many seniors may well be a lost opportunity.
7
It's wonderful to have people reach out to those who are lonely and crave human contact, and I wish them well. I'm an introvert who looks forward to retirement so that I will no longer be forced to interact with multiple coworkers day after day. It's not that I dislike these people, but I really would rather not spend 8 or 9 hours per day constantly in their company so that I need to spend my weekends in solitude just to keep my bearings.
Once I'm retired and don't have to ration solitude, I imagine I will enjoy socializing with friends and family more than I do now. I hope those who are confronting the epidemic of loneliness take into consideration the need of some people for a quiet solitude that in no way resembles loneliness.
Once I'm retired and don't have to ration solitude, I imagine I will enjoy socializing with friends and family more than I do now. I hope those who are confronting the epidemic of loneliness take into consideration the need of some people for a quiet solitude that in no way resembles loneliness.
30
I'm a bit surprised at how judgemental some of these comments are, like that people should just get up and go out and it's easy. Obviously, it isn't easy for everyone and people have a vast array of lived experiences that may make it easier or more difficult to seek out activity and companionship. It may be that some older adults spent a lifetime being enriched by a close circle of family & friends who they are now separated from by no fault of their own--death, moves to nursing homes, etc. The grief and sadness they feel over those lost relationships could hinder them from finding new relationships, or maybe it has just been a very long time since they had to make any new friends and they aren't sure how to go about it. How about a little compassion?
451
Smack on target. It's not just judgemental, it's ignorant. Sorry to be so strong but it is. It takes so little, as Funky Irishman said. Take time out to chat, say a word or two about ANYTHING and be cheery. From my own experience that very small experience can breathe joy into a whole day. I return it as much as I can. Even the cheery postman delivering a package is momentous. It takes a brave person to walk into a new environment...and never forget, for many of these people mobility is a massive barrier. Keith Pearshouse 'walked' into The Mens Shed...for a huge percentage they can only wait, for the phone to ring or a visitor to arrive.
37
I agree it is harder for some people to just get up and go. Being an Introvert myself I am extremely shy so I do find myself having a hard time going out. I worked for 20 years in Health Care and enjoyed working with the elderly. I come from a large family I am next to the youngest of 8 kids, was loved and very well taken care of by loving parents who are both deceased and I do miss. I never had too many friends growing up. I would love to create a business that provides companionship for the elderly. Finding dependable workers/volunteers would be the problem so many people are out here doing harm to our precious children abd elderly. I wish I could do it by myself I would provide a safe environment for All kids or elderly person who wants companionship..
8
Advice is often a result of compassion; those who give it don't necessarily
feel superior but instead hope what helped them helps others.
feel superior but instead hope what helped them helps others.
2
Next time that ''elderly'' person strikes up a conversation in the check out line, put down your phone for a nanosecond and try to be a part of the human race.
I know you are too busy on whatever app of the day is , but you might actually be making that person's day. ... or saving their life.
I know you are too busy on whatever app of the day is , but you might actually be making that person's day. ... or saving their life.
425
well said but when we have to do 16 hours of work in a 10 hour day (plus commuting, chores, kids time, etc.) there is so little time left. Its not like the 1970s and before when work hours were fewer and women were at home to take care of kids and chores. There just are not enough hours in the day to even call one's own parents on a daily basis.
7
Merhametten zarar dogar.
Translation:
Compassion often has dangerous results.
Turkish proverb.
Translation:
Compassion often has dangerous results.
Turkish proverb.
5
May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.
Irish blessing.
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.
Irish blessing.
23
While I would likely implode if I couldn't be alone a substantial part of the time, I do understand that not everyone shares my view.
It saddened me to read of the woman who hadn't spoken in days, but it also made me irritated. We have our own voices and why save them for when other people are around?
Reading aloud is good for the voice, the spirit and the breath, not to mention the focus it requires. Last year after three previous attempts when I was younger, I finally read all of Ulysses. It was fantastic! I was only able to complete this Herculean feat because I read the book out loud and celebrated with the spirit of Joyce as we shared a Guinness at the end. I am pretty sure that my voice is now stronger than before I started the book.
In fact, I may start a Read Aloud Movement for Elders, no...for everybody!
It saddened me to read of the woman who hadn't spoken in days, but it also made me irritated. We have our own voices and why save them for when other people are around?
Reading aloud is good for the voice, the spirit and the breath, not to mention the focus it requires. Last year after three previous attempts when I was younger, I finally read all of Ulysses. It was fantastic! I was only able to complete this Herculean feat because I read the book out loud and celebrated with the spirit of Joyce as we shared a Guinness at the end. I am pretty sure that my voice is now stronger than before I started the book.
In fact, I may start a Read Aloud Movement for Elders, no...for everybody!
42
That’s amazing! I’ve never made it past The Wandering Rocks… I should give your technique a try.
6
Perhaps the International Association of Audio Information Services has an affiliate organization in your area. You're right: A human voice is a wonderful resource to share.
7
I'm surprised to hear about the"explosion of public interest" in loneliness in the the UK. I read the Guardian and Telegraph, and can't recall seeing any stories about it. It's even more surprising to me because of Tory austerity cuts to local council funding that would pay for home visits, and for their "economical" approach to funding the NHS.
9
My experience, at age 61, is that you are better to develop an inner life and self-sufficiency. It is not a good idea to depend on others for your sense of self-worth. There are too many users, leeches, hypocrites, and other types whose company you are better off without, and whom you may not see through until they've sucked the marrow out of you and tossed you away.
Books, TV, productive work, hobbies, companion animals - far better. I can go days, even weeks, without having a conversation with other people beyond the kind of light chat one makes with a supermarket cashier or librarian. On those rare occasions I am lonely, it is for one or another of the few close friends I made over the years, who either drifted away due to life changes or who have died.
Books, TV, productive work, hobbies, companion animals - far better. I can go days, even weeks, without having a conversation with other people beyond the kind of light chat one makes with a supermarket cashier or librarian. On those rare occasions I am lonely, it is for one or another of the few close friends I made over the years, who either drifted away due to life changes or who have died.
203
But you can't have a conversation with books or the TV. Humans need other humans. We not only need to talk to each other, so our voices aren't simply our own opinions, our own fears and desire. When our thoughts are given a literal "voice"we understand what we are feeling within a social construct. And it's not just talking that we need; we need to listen, to learn from others, to touch, to see, to feel the yearnings of the heart. And in this case, I don't mean sexual yearnings. I mean the yearning to know someone else, to be there for them, to find solace and comfort.
90
artistcon3, you most certainly can have a 'conversation' with books and literature, if you make it a point to read a wide range. And 'listen' to them, and interact with them, and learn from them, and know them, as well.
Whereas quite a few people's social lives involve surrounding themselves with an echo chamber made up of like-minded friends. (I often wonder, reading comments to NYT political articles, how many commenters have friends outside their own sphere of opinion, party, or 'identity politics' label. My guess is, few.)
I honestly don't understand your reply.
I am a bit unusual, I think, in that I do not like to be touched physically; a friend (yes, I have had real friends, as you will find if you read my original comment carefully) once gave me a spontaneous hug, withdrew, and said I cringed like a mimosa.
Whereas quite a few people's social lives involve surrounding themselves with an echo chamber made up of like-minded friends. (I often wonder, reading comments to NYT political articles, how many commenters have friends outside their own sphere of opinion, party, or 'identity politics' label. My guess is, few.)
I honestly don't understand your reply.
I am a bit unusual, I think, in that I do not like to be touched physically; a friend (yes, I have had real friends, as you will find if you read my original comment carefully) once gave me a spontaneous hug, withdrew, and said I cringed like a mimosa.
2
The writer Rosellen Brown opened a book talk some time ago by remarking that "when we continue to love, we are in dangerous territory." Much as I enjoy the virtues of self-sufficiency, living dangerously is much to be preferred.
7
I am not alone, but due to medical conditions I am isolated. I have my husband and my 2 children, but have no friends. Because I only leave my house to go to doctor appointments I have nothing to talk about. Of course, this has led to major depression which only makes it that much easier for me to isolate myself more. I have the attention span of a 2 year old, can't understand basic instructions until I read them slowly and over and over again and don't even suggest a good book on tape - I'd have to rewind the first paragraph 1000 times.
I'm 50. I've asked all my doctors (GP, neurologist, psychiatrist, therapist, rheumatologist, orthopedist, yadda, yadda, yadda) about this and each one sends me to the other, or, they tell me to find a support group online. That may work for some, but having virtual friends doesn't take away the fact that I only have 3 people in my real life - the one that counts.
Don't get me wrong, I love being alone, used to have my own studio in the city back in the 90s and still dream of it to this day, but being isolated brings front and center all those negative things one might think about themselves every now and then and then you have your isolation to prove that all those things are true.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I'm 50. I've asked all my doctors (GP, neurologist, psychiatrist, therapist, rheumatologist, orthopedist, yadda, yadda, yadda) about this and each one sends me to the other, or, they tell me to find a support group online. That may work for some, but having virtual friends doesn't take away the fact that I only have 3 people in my real life - the one that counts.
Don't get me wrong, I love being alone, used to have my own studio in the city back in the 90s and still dream of it to this day, but being isolated brings front and center all those negative things one might think about themselves every now and then and then you have your isolation to prove that all those things are true.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
35
Be persistent with your psychiatrist and therapist, tell her/him your lack of concentration is severely effecting your ability to connect with others. You may be prescribed Adderall, which helps most patients regain their ability to focus.
5
For the last 15 years my parents have lived in a suite in our home. My dad is now in a care home. Though meeting the care needs of my dad and the rest of our large family has been very hard at times, it has definitely been worth it. In addition to our family members we entertain often and actively reach out to people in our community without family to join us for meals and events.
I have observed that it is often the people who already lead a relationally rich life who have compactly to include more into their circle of friends. I think this exists because of the great pleasure they have discovered in caring for others and because good relationships free us from fixating on primarily meeting our own needs. if every reader of this article decide to look around them and identify loneliness people around them followed by reaching out to them some real good will have come out of the research.
I have observed that it is often the people who already lead a relationally rich life who have compactly to include more into their circle of friends. I think this exists because of the great pleasure they have discovered in caring for others and because good relationships free us from fixating on primarily meeting our own needs. if every reader of this article decide to look around them and identify loneliness people around them followed by reaching out to them some real good will have come out of the research.
28
Nicely written, thorough story. (The Times!)
Years from now some study will be done on how negative social networking/dating sites are to human existence. They are the very antithesis of communication. Everyone pretending to be someone they're not. And if you do it really well, you might meet someone who considers honesty a prerequisite, where in fact were you honest at all you'd never hear from her again. There's one site I just visited (if you can't beat 'em...) where you can check off your interests from a list of about 25. This particular lady checked every box (including "plants" and "suits") but "sex." Is she not interested in sex? On a dating site? Well, no, that's not it, I didn't want people to think.....
Exactly. You didn't want people to think about the person you are, because how will that get the person you need? So instead checked "suits." This has a profound effect on "relationships" being made today, they are about as substantial, and long-lasting, as a daffodil. Talk about loneliness.
Years from now some study will be done on how negative social networking/dating sites are to human existence. They are the very antithesis of communication. Everyone pretending to be someone they're not. And if you do it really well, you might meet someone who considers honesty a prerequisite, where in fact were you honest at all you'd never hear from her again. There's one site I just visited (if you can't beat 'em...) where you can check off your interests from a list of about 25. This particular lady checked every box (including "plants" and "suits") but "sex." Is she not interested in sex? On a dating site? Well, no, that's not it, I didn't want people to think.....
Exactly. You didn't want people to think about the person you are, because how will that get the person you need? So instead checked "suits." This has a profound effect on "relationships" being made today, they are about as substantial, and long-lasting, as a daffodil. Talk about loneliness.
3
I work as a personal trainer that takes care of people in their homes specializing in people that don't normally work out; i.e seniors, over 100lbs overweight, injured. Spending 2-3 hours a week with these people loneliness is a common thread, they cut themselves off from others because they feel undesirable. Getting human contact is so important to overall health. thanks for the article.
79
I believe you are right!! I think it is sad we can't accept each other as we are. If a person is not attractive people can be mean and cruel. Even teaching there kids to be mean and cruel to others.. We as humans need to find the good in others and NOT be so judgemental. No one is perfect!!
5
Yours is an insightful comment. Not only do we feel undesirable, we ARE that. Any time I have tried to make a friend since reaching "over 60", I've been rebuffed, ignored, rejected, and made to feel that lack of desirability from people who should by any reasonable standard be interested in the truly fascinating life I've led, my great sense of humor, my unfailing readiness to help in almost any circumstance. However, I'm old, single, now disabled, and therefore of no value or interest to them to even find out anything about me. I actually have a large family, all of whom live far enough away that, although I have traveled to visit them (naturally paying for every single thing during such visits) often, not one of them can possibly come where I live to see me. So, yes, we do feel undesirable because no one desires us for any reason.
Perhaps helping some lost and lonely refugees, teens, LGBT teens, and immigrants are the answer.
6
Almost fifty years ago the Beatles' song "Eleanor Rigby" captured the essence of this article very poignantly. One of my favorite of many great Beatles songs.
67
As the article points out, while loneliness is certainly a big problem among the elderly, the numbers may pale in comparison to the number of youth and adults that suffer the same malady from social isolation - due to technology mediation via social media and simply "feeling" alone in a crowd as people "screen skate" though their days. My college students report that despite "being around others", they often feel separate as more and more of their "friends" talk to screens instead of each other. It's gotten so bad that the president of the Student Association is asking for university administration help to initiate support groups so young people can find "like-minded" souls searching for social connection. Loneliness is not just a problem for the aged, but a problem for us all in the age of digital everything. Humanity's health overall, may also be at risk as a result.
285
College-age people are different from the elderly. They know so little, and have more than enough books, classes, and people available. Many will go through their share of melodramas, and some might eventually learned to cultivate some self-awareness and a charitable attitude toward others. At the end of the day, even college cannot make the better out of fools.
"Humanity's health overall, may also be at risk as a result."
Much worse than plagues which killed millions and seems to be extremely contagious and deadly to your soul.
Much worse than plagues which killed millions and seems to be extremely contagious and deadly to your soul.
All the school has to do is learn how to throw a party with real games and introductions. Instead of having a coat check have a phone check. the problem is people don't know how to socialize they need had too!
*
The other problem is never marrying and/or divorce and only having one or two children. More children early in life means more people to care for you and/or grandchildren. The other culprit is retirement. It's a killer for social interaction.
*
The other problem is never marrying and/or divorce and only having one or two children. More children early in life means more people to care for you and/or grandchildren. The other culprit is retirement. It's a killer for social interaction.
1
Excellent article. Am from the small so labeled silent generation born, of the greatest generation. Recall when family members grew old it was normal for them to move in with their relatives or children. With that circumstance I recall in our home, first my grandmother, then great aunt lived with us and participated in family functions, they pitched in with chores they could navigate. Now of course our society is entirely youth focused, and mention of 50 is entering senior status. Today of course we have organized priced senior citizen homes by affordability. I have first hand experience with visiting them, and can confirm most occupants are alone with their surroundings. Visitors are not exactly breaking down the door to get in.
13
I've always held the opinion that loneliness is a learned behavior. Call me maladapted but I always prefer to be alone. Looking back (now 56)
I'm sure life would have been more enjoyable and easier had I more interest in people, but when I couldn't avoid them I found it a better strategy to just
play along.
So I'll be a fantastically content old man. I would be a good solo astronaut
too. Does anyone want to shoot me into space?
I'm sure life would have been more enjoyable and easier had I more interest in people, but when I couldn't avoid them I found it a better strategy to just
play along.
So I'll be a fantastically content old man. I would be a good solo astronaut
too. Does anyone want to shoot me into space?
11
One can be alone without feeling sad or lonely. Especially if you have a passion for art, music, reading, or cross-word puzzles. If you live a long life, you can remember and reflect on events that young people can only learn about second-hand in the history books. It's like the difference between smelling a rose in summer and reading a description of its color and smell. It is also a time for second-thoughts that can give a clearer perspective on the events of the past and the shape of a life. As has been said, the past is a foreign country that one can revisit.
10
I know this subject well ...
A girl back in my 1970's dorm once told me: "I used to think you were a loner until I realized you were lonely". I never forgot that, not as a slight, but as a great observation.
I had a small AM newspaper route. My manager once told my mom that I always looked down when he saw me walking. I remember day dreaming those mornings, free to walk down the middle of empty streets that are now packed with cars. There was just nobody to talk to at that hour.
I remember one particular teenager night sitting on the hood of my parents car, parked in front of their suburban house, under in the light of an street light, crying, crying very hard and not knowing why.
I longed back then to have a friend/girlfriend to talk to. As an adult, I came to recognize a pent-up desire to talk to someone. When I finally found someone I joyously talk their ear off, they'd listen and then start backing away, wanting to get on with their life. Eventually I recognized the backing away as a signal too late. Eventually I monitored my behavior better.
Yes, I know this subject well ...
A girl back in my 1970's dorm once told me: "I used to think you were a loner until I realized you were lonely". I never forgot that, not as a slight, but as a great observation.
I had a small AM newspaper route. My manager once told my mom that I always looked down when he saw me walking. I remember day dreaming those mornings, free to walk down the middle of empty streets that are now packed with cars. There was just nobody to talk to at that hour.
I remember one particular teenager night sitting on the hood of my parents car, parked in front of their suburban house, under in the light of an street light, crying, crying very hard and not knowing why.
I longed back then to have a friend/girlfriend to talk to. As an adult, I came to recognize a pent-up desire to talk to someone. When I finally found someone I joyously talk their ear off, they'd listen and then start backing away, wanting to get on with their life. Eventually I recognized the backing away as a signal too late. Eventually I monitored my behavior better.
Yes, I know this subject well ...
50
Thankfully, our marriage of 35+ years is still going strong and getting stronger and neither of us have ever been lonely. It is the single biggest promotion for being married that I can think of. Be that as it may, our respective individual outside interests both together and separately have created a large network of friends and colleagues over the years and should either of us pass away, there are more than enough to keep us from ever being lonely (other than terribly missing our other half).
7
And there are those of us who love being alone and are bored or antsy after an hour or two with another person. It took me years to figure out that marriage was not for me with the constant drain of a husband. People who are dependent on others for self-recognition and entertainment will always feel lonely unless someone is there to distract them from themselves. I learned early in life to enjoy my own company - to the point of selfishness, I suppose - but I so enjoy not listening to someone yammering in my ear.
216
Indeed. A dog as a friend is way better than any human.
9
I know several so called bachelors, who wouldn't have it any other way. I noticed with these good friends, and one son of mine, without knowing it, they are so set in their ways as they say, compromise is very difficult of someone else's habits or needs.
6
Wait a sec. "Constant drain"? Kindly explain.
1
Loneliness :a public health problem?
Definitely not.
A society,friends and family members first have to check their agenda 's time available for a visit to other friends,family members ,and...sometimes grandparents -the latter ones by circumstances not at their home any more- ,a society in its innermost essential falling apart apparently.
I remember my father in law,telling me how hard a Sunday : waiting,waiting and
waiting for children ...they didn't come.
I remember a middle aged man in hospital waiting for his son,living nearby,just for a little attention,care...and love.
Health care , ja available; loving care by relatives ...?
Sometimes both for sale.
Definitely not.
A society,friends and family members first have to check their agenda 's time available for a visit to other friends,family members ,and...sometimes grandparents -the latter ones by circumstances not at their home any more- ,a society in its innermost essential falling apart apparently.
I remember my father in law,telling me how hard a Sunday : waiting,waiting and
waiting for children ...they didn't come.
I remember a middle aged man in hospital waiting for his son,living nearby,just for a little attention,care...and love.
Health care , ja available; loving care by relatives ...?
Sometimes both for sale.
19
What is not given is not returned.
4
At 62, I've been early retired since 55 but busier than every in life. I provide my local community with sidewalk astronomy on every clear night of the year in a public setting, on a sidewalk with two large amateur telescopes, showing whoever passes by- the craters of the moon, Saturn's rings, the Jovian moons of Jupiter changing positions from night to night- this creates a constant catalyst of conversation for children of all ages from 2 to 92-
in front of a coffee house, outside dining cafe, or a popular hilltop city park in my home town of Portland Oregon. I have spoken of this on NPR's Talk of the Nation over the years, been asked to lecture to schools students about my awarded and published astronomy art in NASA sites. I quit television at age 14 in 1968 when I purchased my first telescope with my own earned money. I began to take photographs of the night sky as a hobby and this eventually lead to lecturing and teaching. Any one with a will to adventure can create a life of public engagement and purpose.
in front of a coffee house, outside dining cafe, or a popular hilltop city park in my home town of Portland Oregon. I have spoken of this on NPR's Talk of the Nation over the years, been asked to lecture to schools students about my awarded and published astronomy art in NASA sites. I quit television at age 14 in 1968 when I purchased my first telescope with my own earned money. I began to take photographs of the night sky as a hobby and this eventually lead to lecturing and teaching. Any one with a will to adventure can create a life of public engagement and purpose.
47
You are able to get out and about and have a skill set. The people described in the article are very old and apparently in some cases unable to leave their homes to some extent.
45
For many people lecturing at schools and being interviewed on NPR would not only be out of reach, but also be their idea of hell, and worse than loneliness. They just want friends and companionship.
4
(Not Mark ) I am just about recovered from a lengthy illness. I was what would have been called an 'invalid' for a few years. I have a husband and children that helped look after me, but for someone without that support it would have been very lonely indeed. Especially if you're older and can't get around like you used to.
4
This article seemed to have found some truth. I am 62 with some serious health issues and managing. Everything but my loneliness. I have discussed this with my family doctor who had little to offer. I have survived open heart surgery and live with renal failure receiving hemodialysis. I am concerned I will lose my dialysis "village" if my transplant comes and succeeds. I have a sister but no children or grandchildren. Men of my age with families don't seem to grasp what I am talking about when I try to describe my loneliness and my failed efforts to counteract it. Thank you for this article. I am both sad and glad to read others are stuck and encouraged that some groups are helping.
218
It's not quite the same thing, but I wonder how the research on loneliness ties in with the studies showing that older people who have pets are likely to have better health.
94
This is a helpful contribution.
3
Loneliness isn't only an issue with older people, its an epidemic across all ages and incomes.
182
I believe independence is now part of our society, to the point, many end up alone by choice, as all the so called norms don't work for them. I see it all the time. Seems prevalent shortly after so called retirement, which large corporations begin reviewing when a person hits 50. Many are offered so called severance and end up alone, with little interaction. Common advice is donate your time, or seek a new job, but with age discrimination that is difficult.
5
This is so unfortunate but true. I live in a city on a block where no one speaks to one another. When I first arrived thirty years ago, we all knew one another, barbecued together, celebrated holidays and helped each other when needed. One by one my neighbor's died or moved away to be replaced by a younger set who appear to have no desire to intermingle, not even with those their own age. Last month my very last great neighbor died, a very sad event. It's a much different world today.
23
I care for an elderly mother who lives in a neighboring state. It's difficult, but I'm managing. The greater challenge is my frustration with a sibling who lives houses away from my mother yet goes days without stopping by. This leaves it on me to call twice a day, both for assurance that she has gotten out of bed, and and end of the day call to make certain she is feeling okay and all went well. But, the most beneficial reason I call is for conversation. Who would my mother speak with if not me? She was always very social. Most of her friends have passed, dad is gone, many other have dementia. Mom was lucky, she did not have these health nightmares. However, she does endure a loneliness, despite every effort from me, and occasionally other distant family members who visit now and then. It's not doing things for her, but being there with her that really counts. It's my pleasure to do all I can, but I've sadly come to realize, all the ambition and drive she and dad instilled in my sibling to succeed, neglected the truly winning traits of sympathy, altruism, and love. I always had these these traits and cultivated them further. My sibling did not unfortunately. My parents unintentionally created this, nonetheless they did.
I'm left to overcome negative and compensate for lacking traits in a sibling, so I may care for Mom. The cycle is crazy. There's no escaping family dysfunction even when one is healthy. In the meantime, I keep Mom talking.
I'm left to overcome negative and compensate for lacking traits in a sibling, so I may care for Mom. The cycle is crazy. There's no escaping family dysfunction even when one is healthy. In the meantime, I keep Mom talking.
144
Wow. I had that same sibling, but an elderly father, not mother. And the same situation. Now I'm seeing echoes of that in my own children. And trying to point out the obligations of equal care needed for us as we age, though I'm afraid I'm not gaining enough traction as super-achieving son and spouse do not seem on board and poised to move across the country...just because. Equally super-achieving daughter (with a more sympathetic spouse) will be left to pick up the slack. So maybe it's something hard-wired (empathy, altruism, etc.)?
Regardless, my solution is to make it easier on my daughter by moving as close to her as we can while we still can. Which was something my parents should have done.
Regardless, my solution is to make it easier on my daughter by moving as close to her as we can while we still can. Which was something my parents should have done.
5
The Sibling Conundrum: the closer they live to aging parents, the less likely they are to help out.
3
I had a similar situation as you, I persevered and never regretted for a minute what i accomplished in caring for my mother. I was never bitter about sibling lack of caring I was happy and honored to be the prime caregiver. After my mother's passing, I found little to have in common with my sibling except for the same parents. I no longer have if any contact with them and I feel the better for it. I harbor no resentment, I just see them as people who I know but care to have nothing to do with. Pretending to have familial bonds when there is none goes against my values. Don't let that constrain you.
5
It would seem that these groups should try to organize in-person visits if they really want to help.
Personally, I like very much to be alone--but I am not isolated. Perhaps it is the choice part that matters, or just your brain chemistry?
Personally, I like very much to be alone--but I am not isolated. Perhaps it is the choice part that matters, or just your brain chemistry?
153
As an introvert, I feel the same way and prefer to be alone, but I never feel lonely. When I do feel like a connection, there are many things in my community to do. Most of the time, I relish the control of my quiet household and life.
42
Being alone by choice is a very different thing from having loneliness inflicted upon you.
94
It probably has to do with the perception and feeling of loneliness, not just having people around or personal preference. One can feel completely alone in a crowd of people or just fine with no one around. For some, just one close friend is enough to not feel lonely, for others, a number of different social networks are needed. There are probably also different types of loneliness, such as physical presence, emotional, sexual, verbal/intellectual, etc. But you are right to point out that loneliness is not always so simple and straightforward and that everyone deals with life situations differently.
57
This article has the ring of truth about it, and how wonderful are the people who organize ways to address elder loneliness. I would add that I think we will find that the epidemic of loneliness has spread to much younger people, at least in the so-called developed world. Three factors are at fault: the design of our cities and town, the rise of isolating technologies, and the tendency of families to split apart in geographic terms. For my part, even though my work is from home and through the computer, I promise myself to go and say hi to an elderly neighbor this week.
154