It appears this study had no control group. Was there a "no intervention" group, where families just kept doing what they'd been doing -- getting up with the baby, cosleeping, or some other approach not discussed here? Maybe 80% of those babies would have started sleeping better, too. I also feel sorry for the 20% of babies who didn't respond well to these "interventions," as well as their parents. These methods can be emotionally very painful to implement -- and typically are the most painful in the cases where the babies don't respond as predicted.
23
There are pros and cons to the "family bed" solution, but I can tell you one thing from experience. Everyone sleeps. The baby doesn't have to scream. It is a humane response to the very normal need of the infant to be nurtured.
53
What is this, 1952?
24
For us gradual ferberization worked like a charm. Took two weeks and both girls were sleep trained.
They only slept with us in our bedroom for the first few months. Falling asleep with them is a downward spiral. So many friends still fall asleep with their 4-8 year olds. Or have them join them in the middle of the night. So much for healthy sleep (on both sides) and happy marriages.
More importantly, put yourself in their position and TURN off the lights and shade their cribs from distractions, ambient light and noise. I'm always amazed how parents assume it's ok to plunk down the kid in a bright room in a crib without a canopy and plenty of distractions twiddling above their heads.
They only slept with us in our bedroom for the first few months. Falling asleep with them is a downward spiral. So many friends still fall asleep with their 4-8 year olds. Or have them join them in the middle of the night. So much for healthy sleep (on both sides) and happy marriages.
More importantly, put yourself in their position and TURN off the lights and shade their cribs from distractions, ambient light and noise. I'm always amazed how parents assume it's ok to plunk down the kid in a bright room in a crib without a canopy and plenty of distractions twiddling above their heads.
5
Brings back memories. Love the terminology--"extinction." My son, awakened and screamed every night for 18 months straight. To the point where he was already verbal and yelling (demanding) I give him his bottle even though I'd left it within his reach--with me hollering back at him about it. Ridiculous. At my wit's end, I got a substitute pediatrician on the phone and she told us to take 3 nights when we were able to withstand the yelling and crying and temper tantrums and by the 4th night he'd sleep. She was right. He did. Still threw temper tantrums periodically (daytime) for 4 more years.
But he's a bright and capable pediatrician himself today. So I guess extinction didn't warp him. I did, however, sneak into his room those first few uninterrupted nights to make sure he was still alive!
But he's a bright and capable pediatrician himself today. So I guess extinction didn't warp him. I did, however, sneak into his room those first few uninterrupted nights to make sure he was still alive!
18
For me, safe co-sleeping was the easiest approach. Let the baby wake up for a snack as many times as she wants. She'll find her way to the nipple while mom keeps sleeping. Everyone is happy. There is a reason why babies have coslept for 99.9% of human history: it works.
40
A few nights of letting them cry for longer will quickly result in far less crying and less stress and more sleep for everyone.
11
As a new mother, currently sleep training my 6 month old, I have to add my experience to the vast array of comments. For the first five months of my sons life my husband and I co-slept with our son to ensure safety and comfort. I couldn't imagine putting my son in the nursery and shutting the door just so I could get peaceful rest. But as the months progressed my son always needed a sleep crutch (i.e. driving around, breastfeeding through the entire night, pushing the stroller, etc.) My son was never rested- simply put he was unhappy. Under the direction of my pediatrician and a sleep consultant I embarked on the journey of sleep training my son. Let me explain, it's been extremely challenging but my baby boy is so much happier. He is sleeping- well! And all on his own. I've questioned this journey but I remind myself one of the best things for any human is good sleep hygiene. That you cannot argue. So to the critics who feel that we are creating irreparable damage to our children by creating healthy sleep habits I say worry about the children who don't have a meal to eat, a roof over their heads, or a bed to sleep in.
21
How do families in other countries handle this? Do babies in China, India, Botswana, Finland typically cry for hours every night? Are there any other mammals who leave their young alone in another location to sleep at night? I suggest that it's not that something is wrong with our babies or our parenting but rather with our expectations.
43
I'm disappointed to see no real discussion of the "always comfort" method; the article leaves the reader to assume that undisciplined "comforting" is the source of most sleep problems. My experience suggests that responsiveness is no worse (though possibly no better) than any other of the methods discussed. Co-sleeping and baby-wearing worked beautifully for us and our daughter transitioned to her own bed at 18 months with no fussing at all. (We started with nap time and faded our attention gradually, though not in any structured way). My sister followed the same plan and had nearly opposite results: her children slept poorly with her and not at all alone, no matter what she did. My brother, on the other hand, used a Graduated Extinction method to no effect at all on two of his kids, while it worked great for the third. Moral of the story? Don't be too rigid about your plan, use your common sense ... and don't judge other parents for doing things differently. Your baby's different.
47
I'm not sure if the publication of this article coincides with the first episode of "Science Vs" which is a podcast produced by Gimlet. But on that show this week, the host makes a similar argument that sleep training has no adverse effect on a child. I don't buy that in that podcast or in this article. No study can possibly test for all adverse long-term effects of a given action. But common sense and a heart that feels would tell a person that letting a child cry until he throws up, cleaning up the child, and putting the crying child back into the crib is inhumane. Whatever way that people justify this neglect, it is only their own guilt at not being able to rise to the occasion that is underlying the argument. What being a parent has taught me to do is put another person's needs before mine. With a small baby, if his parents don't care for him, he will die. He is incapable of caring for himself. It is our job to care. Don't have children if you can't or don't want to care for them.
36
I spent the first year of my first child's life obsessed with this issue. My son only slept 1 hour at a time until he was 9 months old. I read every 'fading' and 'no-cry' solution but nothing worked. I was nearly out of my mind with fatigue, and almost crashed into an oncoming car when he was in the backseat, an error I attribute 100% to my lack of sleep. Finally we hired a 'sleep doula', who held our hand through what was basically 'cry it out'. The first night he cried for an almost-unbearable 45 minutes. But then awoke only 2 more times, for a couple of minutes. The second night, he cried only for 10 minutes, and then slept through the night. The third night he didn't cry at all, and he's been a solid sleeper (11 hours a night) for the last 6 years.
For our daughter, we didn't wait so long. We slept with her in the bed until 6 months, and then let her 'cry it out' for 3 nights (maximum cry period was 30 minutes the first night only). They awake in the morning with a big smile on their faces, no memory of the night before. There are no signs whatsoever of abandonment (and believe me, I looked).
I think feelings of abandonment in children come from pervasive neglect from parents over a long period of time, not from three nights of setting limits (once the children are several months old and don't need the food). Raising newborns is tough on parents and their needs matter too. Especially when a healthy mental state is essential to being a good parent.
For our daughter, we didn't wait so long. We slept with her in the bed until 6 months, and then let her 'cry it out' for 3 nights (maximum cry period was 30 minutes the first night only). They awake in the morning with a big smile on their faces, no memory of the night before. There are no signs whatsoever of abandonment (and believe me, I looked).
I think feelings of abandonment in children come from pervasive neglect from parents over a long period of time, not from three nights of setting limits (once the children are several months old and don't need the food). Raising newborns is tough on parents and their needs matter too. Especially when a healthy mental state is essential to being a good parent.
54
I my work with people who fear flying, arousal - to them - is just arousal. When aroused they feel fear and danger. I believe their issue is due to infancy. When an infant is aroused, if arousal is quickly followed by a caregiver's calming, arousal and calming become linked. If arousal is not followed by calming, arousal becomes linked to fear, and danger. That problem will not show up when testing an infant for cortisol, but - in my opinion - it shows up twenty-some years later when trying to fly. When the plane drops, stress hormones are automatically released. Lacking internalized links between a caregiver's calming and arousal, they experience their being aroused as danger. This fear response takes place no matter how clearly they intellectually understand turbulence is no threat. To further make the point that internalized links matter, after I teach them to link the calming present of another person to turbulence, they fly comfortably.
19
My (single mom) daughter lives with us and recently weaned her 2 year-old. Now she gets her 1 year-old to sleep and I have assumed the duties of getting a recently weaned 2 1/2 year-old to sleep. My technique? Prayers to St. Therese of the Child Jesus while rocking and singing. The rocking and singing eventually get the toddler to sleep and the prayers remind me that little things done with great love, while sometimes exhausting and anxiety ridden, aren't really hard.
10
Look at other cultures where babies sleep with their parents, not left alone to cry. Use your instincts, not the advice of "experts". Do not parent from convenience. It is the most important job you will ever have.
42
Well said.
My comment was never published. I guess my saying if you can't handle the boot camp that is infancy, crying and all, perhaps parenthood isn't suited for you, was too harsh! It is a very American, solutions-oriented approach to let your infant "cry it out." Strsnge in other cultures. And it soothes parents when "experts" say it's okay to let them cry. Would you be okay doing so if they were hungry?
My comment was never published. I guess my saying if you can't handle the boot camp that is infancy, crying and all, perhaps parenthood isn't suited for you, was too harsh! It is a very American, solutions-oriented approach to let your infant "cry it out." Strsnge in other cultures. And it soothes parents when "experts" say it's okay to let them cry. Would you be okay doing so if they were hungry?
16
Parents, use your instincts, not the advice of "experts" that changes on a regular basis.
Your baby is not a dog to be "trained".
Your baby is not a dog to be "trained".
22
My instincts told me to "train" my three babies, and it worked beautifully in a short time. They are now happy young adults and a late adolescent.
Not all instincts are the same as your instincts.
Not all instincts are the same as your instincts.
18
The 2006 study Dr. Carroll cites as "proof" that sleep training "works" is deeply flawed. My colleagues and I have dismantled the 2006 article's conclusions in detail here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201407/child-sleep...
In brief, it's an article whose poor quality would never allow publication in my field of psychology. Only 11 of the 52 studies reviewed had any good data and all 11 only obtained subjective information from the parents--how they felt about how sleep training went. There is never any examination of short or long term effects on the child's wellbeing or on the relationship between parents and baby.
What sleep training advocates seem to misunderstand is that babies need an external womb experience for at least 9 months after birth as humans are born much more immature compared to other animals and have the majority of brain and body systems to be shaped after birth. So isolating a baby SHOULD lead to great distress in that baby, because every baby needs parents nearby to learn how to self-regulate breathing and grow other systems properly. This is the baseline we should accept. How to meet the needs of the baby needs to be the priority because meeting those needs (or not) has lifelong effects. Communities need to help parents be able to meet those needs instead of encouraging them not to do so with bad science.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201407/child-sleep...
In brief, it's an article whose poor quality would never allow publication in my field of psychology. Only 11 of the 52 studies reviewed had any good data and all 11 only obtained subjective information from the parents--how they felt about how sleep training went. There is never any examination of short or long term effects on the child's wellbeing or on the relationship between parents and baby.
What sleep training advocates seem to misunderstand is that babies need an external womb experience for at least 9 months after birth as humans are born much more immature compared to other animals and have the majority of brain and body systems to be shaped after birth. So isolating a baby SHOULD lead to great distress in that baby, because every baby needs parents nearby to learn how to self-regulate breathing and grow other systems properly. This is the baseline we should accept. How to meet the needs of the baby needs to be the priority because meeting those needs (or not) has lifelong effects. Communities need to help parents be able to meet those needs instead of encouraging them not to do so with bad science.
40
Now as the mother of two, I have come to recognize that so much has to do with temperament. Parents are constantly given one-size-fits-all advice as if every baby is the same and will respond to the same techniques and approaches. It's just not true...in sleeping or anything else. Why is it that I see this rarely discussed by Dr. Carroll or anyone else?
My first child did not go down on his own or sleep through the night--even once--until I finished breastfeeding him at 14 months. This was not due to lack of trying. We tried the "graduated extinction" and "bedtime fading" approaches to no avail. In fact, the former option was a complete disaster--leaving my husband and I mentally and emotionally ravaged. After the excruciating attempt at the first method and constant concern about why it wasn't working, we abandoned it and brought him directly into our bed until he outgrew nursing. We avoided telling other parents (or grandparents) that we had tried "sleep training" or that we had decided to co-sleep--both for fear of their judgment and their unsolicited advice. It was isolating, but the decision to co-sleep was the right one FOR US, which is not to say it's right for everyone. It saved OUR sanity.
What can be just as deeply frustrating and/or depressing as losing sleep is the notion that your child should be doing X but is not, or that you as a new parent are somehow failing when the advice you are given doesn't work with your child.
My first child did not go down on his own or sleep through the night--even once--until I finished breastfeeding him at 14 months. This was not due to lack of trying. We tried the "graduated extinction" and "bedtime fading" approaches to no avail. In fact, the former option was a complete disaster--leaving my husband and I mentally and emotionally ravaged. After the excruciating attempt at the first method and constant concern about why it wasn't working, we abandoned it and brought him directly into our bed until he outgrew nursing. We avoided telling other parents (or grandparents) that we had tried "sleep training" or that we had decided to co-sleep--both for fear of their judgment and their unsolicited advice. It was isolating, but the decision to co-sleep was the right one FOR US, which is not to say it's right for everyone. It saved OUR sanity.
What can be just as deeply frustrating and/or depressing as losing sleep is the notion that your child should be doing X but is not, or that you as a new parent are somehow failing when the advice you are given doesn't work with your child.
22
I'm in the middle of this sleep dilemma now with my nearly six month old. He sleeps a solid five to six hours without waking, and then gets up nearly every hour from 1am onward. It's maddening. He's not sick. He's eaten well during the day, weighing in the 96 percentile. He doesn't need to be changed. Most of the time, I put his pacifier in because he can't do this himself. But I'm seriously considering extinction now and getting rid of the pacifier altogether. I sleep trained my other kids, and they're fine. I just hate to do it; hearing my baby cry is awful, and so is getting up hourly to comfort them. There is no right answer.
13
I understand. I had the same thing with both of my boys and after about a week of letting them cry for a long time at night, they eventually did sleep soundly. To be sure, I did not like the fact that they cried for so long. But after a week, they were able to fall asleep. It was worth it.
6
The reason sleep issues are so controversial is that a great many American parents view martyrdom, sacrifice and misery as a sign of parental commitment. Those who sacrificed sleep, sex, and family balance on the alter of Fully Committed Parent must believe this somehow made them better, not just merely tired, unhappy, and anxious.
32
Speaking for myself and the parents I work with at Science Mommy Baby Consulting, the parents who are committed to being sensitive to their babies cries and responding consistently are LESS concerned with how they are perceived as parents by others. They come to a place in which they accept what biology and developmental neuroscience shows us is normal sleep for a baby and then the hardest work for them is to shut out the distorted views modern society (and sadly many medical doctors) levies on them about how their baby "should" be sleeping.
20
1958. First child didn't want to be an infant; cried night & day because he couldn't communicate to get what he wanted which may have been to get up to tell his parents what he wanted done; mom was a pediatric nurse who by herself could take care of a dozen or more sick children in a ward. Eventually, I got tired of mom being exhausted and we did the Extinction procedure at an afternoon nap time. I'm happy to tell you we and the child survived and it only took once.
7
Dr. Carroll, I think you write great articles, but I find this specific article irresponsible and potentially harmful... and I also happen to be a physician (albeit not a pediatrician). There is still so much that science does not understand about the human body as well as the human psyche that to say that one "small study" found decreased cortisol levels justifies any method of putting your baby to sleep is absolutely wrong. Further, it sounds as if the 52 reviewed articles looked at the short term outcome of improved sleep? What about the long term physiologic and pyscholgical outcomes. Has anyone studied this? Please remember that you are a trusted and well respected physician speaking to a non medical audience that in general does not know how to analyze the medical literature. In my respectful opinion you are making an entirely unjustified claim that (coming from a respected physician) may be taken as the gospel by many.
In my humble opinion, the environment that we live in has outpaced our ability to evolve with it. Think back to how our ancestors slept with children. How are other cultures sleeping with their babies? Is it instinctive to respond to a baby's cries? What are the repercussions of not respecting our parenting instincts?
People will make up their minds about what is right in their family. However, as physicians we need to be judicious in the claims that we make to our audiences. The 1st thing I learned in med school: do no harm.
In my humble opinion, the environment that we live in has outpaced our ability to evolve with it. Think back to how our ancestors slept with children. How are other cultures sleeping with their babies? Is it instinctive to respond to a baby's cries? What are the repercussions of not respecting our parenting instincts?
People will make up their minds about what is right in their family. However, as physicians we need to be judicious in the claims that we make to our audiences. The 1st thing I learned in med school: do no harm.
43
Not supporting parents who are highly sleep deprived (sleep deprivation can cause depression and other mental health problems!) IS doing harm. Maternal depression is a serious health problem and a serious hazard for infants and children, one we don't take seriously enough in our sleep-deprived culture.
And BTW, infants who are sleep-deprived--and yes, infants can be sleep-deprived--also suffer. My 18-year old headed off to college this fall (a fabulous young adult, yes, I know it's anecdotal data) was sleep deprived at 8 months. Cranky, miserable during the day because she had trouble getting to sleep at night. I didn't try to keep her up during the day--she had trouble napping too! When my husband and I did cry-it-out--I didn't want to, we were desperate--she immediately became a different child. She needed the sleep too, and didn't know how to get it. The world was just too exciting. I have yet to see the crying-it-out opponents explain how two nights of stress outweigh months and months of stress on the part of those babies who don't get enough sleep and end up sleep-walking through their days.
And BTW, infants who are sleep-deprived--and yes, infants can be sleep-deprived--also suffer. My 18-year old headed off to college this fall (a fabulous young adult, yes, I know it's anecdotal data) was sleep deprived at 8 months. Cranky, miserable during the day because she had trouble getting to sleep at night. I didn't try to keep her up during the day--she had trouble napping too! When my husband and I did cry-it-out--I didn't want to, we were desperate--she immediately became a different child. She needed the sleep too, and didn't know how to get it. The world was just too exciting. I have yet to see the crying-it-out opponents explain how two nights of stress outweigh months and months of stress on the part of those babies who don't get enough sleep and end up sleep-walking through their days.
12
Don't listen to Doctors and the meaningless studies they mindlessly repeat. This mans medical degree does not actually mean he understands what creates a truly healthy child. It means he is good at repeating the very limited information the western model provides.
17
a word of caution - sometimes babies also have medical issues that prevent them from sleeping well. with our son we only found out after 1 year of struggling that he had enlarged adenoids which severly decreased the size of his airways. the slightest cold and he couldn't properly breath through his nose anymore and woke up a lot. miraculously (for us), over summer he slept great. only to return to bad sleeping when fall came with new colds... which is when we finally found out. we couldn't bare the cry it out methods, and in retrospect I am very happy about it, because wouldn't it have been unfair to let the baby suffer alone from his medical condition?
24
So true.
As a new parent long ago, I remember the process of learning to distinguish my baby's different cries. The cry of pain sounds different from the cry of emotional distress, which sounds different from the cry of boredom. If you are able to distinguish different types of cries, it helps you to know when to launch into the baby's bedroom. If serious cries continue, definitely get a medical workup.
As a new parent long ago, I remember the process of learning to distinguish my baby's different cries. The cry of pain sounds different from the cry of emotional distress, which sounds different from the cry of boredom. If you are able to distinguish different types of cries, it helps you to know when to launch into the baby's bedroom. If serious cries continue, definitely get a medical workup.
7
The extinction/cry it out method is never clarified, the question I always have in response to proponents of this method is: does one continue to let the infant cry it out if said infant is able to scream bloody murder without pause for seven hours straight? How does letting an infant cry all night teach them anything? What is the threshold criteria for this methodology? One or two hours of letting them cry it out seems cruel, but letting them cry it out all night long every night is just absurd.
9
Am I the only one seeing this, that if all methods work, you are telling me no method is particularly effective?
18
All of my babies (3) were different when it came to sleep patterns. I'm surprised there has been no talk about temperament? First baby was a dream, textbook everything. Second baby, oh my god I thought we'd all die from exhaustion. Third baby somewhere in between. Now all but the last is an adult and all of their temperaments still match. Oldest is quietly confident, the second is autistic and may end up living with us for quite some time, my third is a great kid who we've gotten help for some anxiety issues and is doing great. Everyone is different and you do whatever works. Expert opinions are just that, opinions.
23
When my kids were little, I tried to be responsive to their night time needs but also keep in mind that I am a human who needs sleep in order to function. The only thing I refused to do was lose so much sleep that I wouldn't be able to drive safely or work effectively. Past the first few weeks, neither of my babies slept better in the bed with me, and breastfeeding on demand all night long while working 50+ hours a week outside the home was simply not a long-term workable solution. Would I have preferred not to have that job, to be home during the day so that I could nap? Maybe. But people who ask what traditional societies do, who insist that on-demand all-night breastfeeding for as long as the child wants to is the ONLY responsible way to parent, are ignoring the full personhood of mothers who do not live in a traditional society--who may be breadwinners by choice or necessity, and in any case are PEOPLE who will deteriorate under conditions of severe sleep deprivation. Those who advocate extreme positions either way on this sleep issue are anti-feminist and need to check themselves. The article here is not advocating an extreme position AND it treats mothers as PEOPLE who need to function in the here and now rather than as pure lactating vessels of self-sacrifice. I am not surprised that the AP crowd is objecting to it.
46
Something that bears questioning here is whether working 50 hours with a young infant makes sense -- traditional societies everywhere but the US know that is not reasonable or good.
26
If you're saying that new parents, female and male, should have substantial paid parental leave, giving them options when it comes to caring for their families, I wholeheartedly agree. If you're saying (as some do) that women with babies shouldn't work full-time, or that they should have jobs that aren't too demanding, or that women should sacrifice their careers so that babies can breastfeed and co-sleep until they decide to stop, that's anti-feminist and deeply classist.
13
Never could let a baby cry herself to sleep. They are helpless and in need. As an adult, we can handle a little sleep shifting. Over the years, I learned to catch a few winks between work and night duty. If the baby needed rocking or just attention at 2 AM, then my job was to be there for him. How better to communicate your love then to be there when needed?
25
"we can handle a little sleep shifting." The key words here are "a little".
Jack, in today's world where most moms do more than their share 24/7, eventually, mom or dad has to solve a problem by changing something and if that doesn't work, trying something else.
Jack, in today's world where most moms do more than their share 24/7, eventually, mom or dad has to solve a problem by changing something and if that doesn't work, trying something else.
9
What a lovely comment.
Agreed.
Agreed.
2
As I skim the comments, I reflect on how insufferably smug and judgmental parents can be about their parenting, regardless of the substance of their views. So off-putting.
Just be quiet unless you are asked for an opinion. If you are asked, offer your thoughts with tact and humility. Resist the temptation to validate yourself by attacking other parents. Parenting is not one-size-fits-all.
Just be quiet unless you are asked for an opinion. If you are asked, offer your thoughts with tact and humility. Resist the temptation to validate yourself by attacking other parents. Parenting is not one-size-fits-all.
71
Each of my three babies slept in bed with us. When aroused from sleep, I am certain they smelled or felt my presence and returned to their slumber. Our middle of the night nursings were easy and intimate resulting in a return to a deep sleep. We tried the crib and bassinet that were exercises in frustration for all. My babies slept better and longer when I was beside them. More sleep for me and happier babies!
25
As a child psychotherapist and parenting author (Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating, and Enjoying Your Child) I am appalled by the damage this article will do. There is no scientific long term study that can show that letting babies cry themselves to sleep is not harmful. In fact, child development research would indicate the exact opposite. Imitation is the most powerful engine of learning for infants and young children. When babies are left to cry they give up and go to sleep because they feel hopeless that their cries will be responded to. This is a cruel and harmful lesson. Babies learn that no matter how unhappy they are, their beloved parents will not come to their aid. Babies will imitate this lack of response and learn to turn a deaf ear to their own suffering and that of others. Infants who are responded to and soothed become very good at soothing themselves and putting themselves back to sleep. Plus they learn compassion and caring.
24
"Infants who are responded to . . . become very good at soothing themselves and putting themselves back to sleep."
This is a starkly categorical statement that contains an unprovable conclusion. My own experience (3 babies, now approaching adulthood), and that of many others, is that the exact opposite is true.
Sleep experts in the Ferber school assert that, after the early months when babies must have milk very frequently in any event, babies are old enough to learn to summon you with a cry during any natural break in the sleep cycle. There is no incentive to develop the internal resources to self-soothe or to tolerate boredom if a parent always comes running.
Is this true, or is something else going on? In the case of a preverbal baby, I don't know, and neither do you.
I think that wise parents listen with an open mind to all reasonable perspectives, such as the variety presented in this article, then decide how to proceed based on the individual characteristics of their baby and their overall family situation.
Wise parents also keep in mind that for every parenting expert in one camp on any issue, there are parenting experts in a variety of other camps. In the end, after listening and learning, parents must trust their own judgment. No one else knows your child and your family like you do.
This is a starkly categorical statement that contains an unprovable conclusion. My own experience (3 babies, now approaching adulthood), and that of many others, is that the exact opposite is true.
Sleep experts in the Ferber school assert that, after the early months when babies must have milk very frequently in any event, babies are old enough to learn to summon you with a cry during any natural break in the sleep cycle. There is no incentive to develop the internal resources to self-soothe or to tolerate boredom if a parent always comes running.
Is this true, or is something else going on? In the case of a preverbal baby, I don't know, and neither do you.
I think that wise parents listen with an open mind to all reasonable perspectives, such as the variety presented in this article, then decide how to proceed based on the individual characteristics of their baby and their overall family situation.
Wise parents also keep in mind that for every parenting expert in one camp on any issue, there are parenting experts in a variety of other camps. In the end, after listening and learning, parents must trust their own judgment. No one else knows your child and your family like you do.
24
"When babies are left to cry they give up and go to sleep because they feel hopeless that their cries will be responded to. This is a cruel and harmful lesson."....How many babies did you interview to reach this conclusion?
24
If you never respond to your kid's cries, yes, they will learn that their parents never come. If you don't respond just at bedtime, they learn that bedtime is for sleep and the rest of the time is for engaging with your parents and having your needs met. It's discouraging to see how difficult nuanced thinking is, even for educated people.
10
All fine and good, but are these American babies? My experience with child-raising in SE Asian countries, and most specifically Laos, is that these kinds of problems just don't happen to the degree they do in the West. Parents (particularly the mother, but also father, siblings, grandparents, neighbors, and other village kids) are in constant physical contact with babies. In Laos, it is traditional in some ethnic cultures for the mother and newborn to sit together for the first month or so, with little other activity than bonding. I've never seen (or heard) a Lao kid throw a temper tantrum (or a rock), and they appear to be uniformly happy, joyous little creatures. So perhaps looking at how other cultures approach babies could reveal different light that would be useful to us here. Yes?
44
You hit the nail on the head- mom isn't doing it alone. And she can sit with the newborn for a month without having to worry about going back to paid labor (as many nonmiddle class women here have to), taking care of other kids, taking care of the house, etc. If she's tired, other people can care for the baby while she sleeps. This is very different from here where in many cases the mother is expected to do it all herself, preferably while also working outside the home. So everyone who complains about how American women, particularly those with jobs outside the home and/or other children to care for, have to try to get some sleep, a basic human need, perhaps they should all offer to hold a baby and/or care for the other children while the mother rests.
30
Honestly, what we found best, and what some good evidence shows, is, if possible, at least one parent sleeps with the child. I know this might not be possible for many or most parents, given it might hurt their sleep too much to perform well enough at work, but it does seem to be very good for the child to show love and support, and for the child to rest better. Moreover, I would think that's how humans evolved, with children sleeping with parents. It does seem best, but I of course understand if it's not possible.
60
I should note that you should read up on important precautions before having a parent sleep in the same bed as an infant or toddler, to avoid the risk of crushing. My wife was that parent, and she did tell me that she had read that the crushing risk was much higher with a father sleeping with the baby. So I'd read up first from credible scientific sources, and be careful. You could also, of course, just have the baby in a crib, right next to the bed, which might be the prudent thing to do. Again, you should read up on this if you are considering it.
5
In fact, doing some reading, bed sharing does appear to be too dangerous, and especially far too dangerous with a father. A crib should be used, which can be by the bed, and a separate bed with a Toddler. Quoting:
"Statistically, the safest place for a baby to sleep is in a separate bed in his mom or dad’s room. The next safest place is in his own bed in his own room. Sleeping in the same bed with a parent is NOT safe. It exposes the baby to tremendous risk of suffocating either under the bedding, or by being smothered or crushed under the weight of a parent who rolls over in his or her sleep.
The American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend bed-sharing..."
At: http://childrensmd.org/browse-by-age-group/newborn-infants/understand-th...
"Statistically, the safest place for a baby to sleep is in a separate bed in his mom or dad’s room. The next safest place is in his own bed in his own room. Sleeping in the same bed with a parent is NOT safe. It exposes the baby to tremendous risk of suffocating either under the bedding, or by being smothered or crushed under the weight of a parent who rolls over in his or her sleep.
The American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend bed-sharing..."
At: http://childrensmd.org/browse-by-age-group/newborn-infants/understand-th...
12
I think most doctors would say that sleeping with your baby is dangerous. Many infants are killed every year when a parent rolls over on top of them while they are sleeping, accidentally suffocating the child. You should really discuss sleeping with your baby with your pediatrician.
11
I'm SO glad that I had my babies 46 and 44 years ago. We put babies to bed in a crib or bassinet in their own room, they may or may not have cried, and we went about our lives. My children both slept from an 11PM breast feeding until about 5AM by age 4 weeks. That was a nice chunk or uninterrupted sleep!
All these studies and scare mongering! My children are both grown, well-adjusted, and have children of their own. My daughter followed my pattern: my DIL did not and her children had sleep problems for years.
WAY too much overthinking!
All these studies and scare mongering! My children are both grown, well-adjusted, and have children of their own. My daughter followed my pattern: my DIL did not and her children had sleep problems for years.
WAY too much overthinking!
41
The comments on this article certainly add weight behind the author's assertion that "people become surprisingly heated about which method to use"...
But seriously, do what works for you and just keep it to yourself! If someone wants your opinion, let them ask. Being defensive about the method you choose invites second guessing.
But seriously, do what works for you and just keep it to yourself! If someone wants your opinion, let them ask. Being defensive about the method you choose invites second guessing.
21
Graduated extinction worked for all 3 of our children - read about it in https://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0671620991
2
If all of these various interventions worked, some of which are somewhat contradictory in their approach, that suggests to me that much of the time, it wasn't the methods "working," but the babies. In other words, the baby would have slept better over time anyway, intervention or no. They do tend to do that, based on my sample size of 2.
28
Yup. It's just like with potty training: everyone tells you to relax, this too will pass, - one way or another the kid really won't be wearing diapers to the senior prom. The baby who won't sleep, you'll be dragging out of bed at noon when he's a teenager.
21
Exactly. Parents all think there's some magic bullet "training" that'll work. Pediatricians like Dr. Carroll like to perpetuate that myth: "It's all in your control." Nah. The main thing that helps a baby sleep is that it grows, gets older, and develops the brain and body capable of sleeping for longer periods of time.
9
We found letting her sleep on her tummy solved many problems, though guidance says you should not do that these days.
Similarly try to make me sleep on by back or my front and I am miserable. Perhaps sleep position is something we are genetically predisposed to?
Similarly try to make me sleep on by back or my front and I am miserable. Perhaps sleep position is something we are genetically predisposed to?
16
I raised three boys. all slept through the night, meaning missing a feeding and sleeping eight hours, at four weeks. Even the youngest who reached that milestone when I was in the hospital and my worried husband was feeding him formula in bottles instead of me breast feeding him. The pediatrician for the youngest advised me a ten pound baby should be able to go eight hours without eating at night, but by then I knew that.
I don't understand the fuss, of course.(except for colic, which I understand is a separate issue.) they cried once in a while. If it lasted more than a few minutes we checked to make sure they were not sick or tangled or maybe had a diaper pin stick. then a back rub and usually back to sleep for everyone. And rarely, it didn't work and the baby just had a bad night. but not every night. or even weekly.
I don't understand. I think some parents are too nervous to let the kid alone. so let the flames flow, but consider if you need to relax more with your kid,
I don't understand the fuss, of course.(except for colic, which I understand is a separate issue.) they cried once in a while. If it lasted more than a few minutes we checked to make sure they were not sick or tangled or maybe had a diaper pin stick. then a back rub and usually back to sleep for everyone. And rarely, it didn't work and the baby just had a bad night. but not every night. or even weekly.
I don't understand. I think some parents are too nervous to let the kid alone. so let the flames flow, but consider if you need to relax more with your kid,
5
You were lucky, as I was with two out of my three babies. Just plain lucky. That's why you don't understand the fuss. If I had not had that third baby, I would be smug, too.
26
so why did the pediatrician say ten pounds was the key? she was correct. She was by the way the first female in the practice and was more concerned about MY well being than the males who were telling me not to be "afraid" to pick up my (sleeping) baby.
And my twin grandbabies were a bit preemie so it took them three months to sleep through the night. When they got a bit older there was some ruckusing around but that is a totally different issue, when the baby gets out of the crib and pulls the blinds off the window in the middle of the night. At an age when you guys are still dealing with infantile style crying they were planning household destruction.
I guess I don't like the sound of all these overthought concepts like extinction. these comment boards are frequented by people who couldn't get the kids to stay in bed without a fight for years.
And my twin grandbabies were a bit preemie so it took them three months to sleep through the night. When they got a bit older there was some ruckusing around but that is a totally different issue, when the baby gets out of the crib and pulls the blinds off the window in the middle of the night. At an age when you guys are still dealing with infantile style crying they were planning household destruction.
I guess I don't like the sound of all these overthought concepts like extinction. these comment boards are frequented by people who couldn't get the kids to stay in bed without a fight for years.
2
Oh please...billions of babies have gone to sleep just fine in the rest of the world without ever experiencing "extinction," "graduated extinction," "bedtime fading," "scheduled awakenings," or "parental education"...whew!! and without "systematic reviews" being published in a journal entitled Sleep. Americans!!!
P.S. Yes, believe it or not, babies abroad sleep in their parents' beds--the physical closeness comforts them--and mothers can nurse them unproblematically, and babies and parents can go easily back to sleep. Trust me...it worked for me...and for several billion mothers in India since time immemorial.
P.S. Yes, believe it or not, babies abroad sleep in their parents' beds--the physical closeness comforts them--and mothers can nurse them unproblematically, and babies and parents can go easily back to sleep. Trust me...it worked for me...and for several billion mothers in India since time immemorial.
63
Or, they have sleep problems, they don't sleep for the first year of their lives, their mothers become sleep deprived and try to kill themselves. I know a story like that abroad too. Also, those parents "abroad" usually have helpful grandmas living with them, who have raised multiple kids themselves, and who offer much needed help to new inexperienced parents. Furthermore, I don't know if you have nursed a child yourself, but for me it was quite problematic, although we worked it out. Things "abroad" can be a lot less rosy than what people assume.
10
Many women in India have very poor health. Maternal and child mortality is very high. Birth spacing is very close. I do not wish to live like them.
11
I co-slept with my children (2) and very quickly was able to pretty much sleep through the feedings. Result - baby slept, I slept. No fussing or crying by anyone.
14
"Extinction" methods cannot be used in most apartment buildings where extended crying would disturb the neighbors.
17
First of all every child is different. And secondly these "methods" are such a bunch of nonsense that it makes my head hurt. Parents need to follow their instincts because nature knows best. All of these people with glowing reviews about one method over the other probably have babies who were going to sleep through an exploding bomb anyway. Our 2 year old daughter STILL does not sleep through the night. Her first big chunk of sleep is about 5-6 hours after that she will scream bloody murder until mommy or daddy picks her up and bring her to bed with us.
Yes we belong to the cosleeping camp. Go ahead throw stones at us and tell us how terrible we are as parents. But I have to tell you it is the ONLY thing worked for us after we tried god knows a million different methods, was to just bring her into bed with us so that we all could sleep OK for the remainder of the night.
I have zero idea in how parents can do the "cry it out" heartless exercise. Hey if it works for you, then good for you. But man, the first time we tried to let her "cry it out" it crushed our soul and we just had to go get here and there was absolutely no looking back. Pedeatricians who highly recommend cry it outs and "extinctions" need to find the nearest bridge and try jumping off of it without a bungee cord.
Yes we belong to the cosleeping camp. Go ahead throw stones at us and tell us how terrible we are as parents. But I have to tell you it is the ONLY thing worked for us after we tried god knows a million different methods, was to just bring her into bed with us so that we all could sleep OK for the remainder of the night.
I have zero idea in how parents can do the "cry it out" heartless exercise. Hey if it works for you, then good for you. But man, the first time we tried to let her "cry it out" it crushed our soul and we just had to go get here and there was absolutely no looking back. Pedeatricians who highly recommend cry it outs and "extinctions" need to find the nearest bridge and try jumping off of it without a bungee cord.
25
So you didn't even make it through one night with your "cry it out" attempt... If that's how all of your attempts at "god knows a million different methods" went, it's no wonder nothing worked...
7
Research on newborn and infant massage shows substantial benefits. Sleep , digestion, awareness levels, healing from birth, to name a few. Parents benefit as well by learning more about baby.
8
We too had issues with our little one. At first first he was a terrible sleeper. He couldn´t rest more than 3 or 4 hours during the night. I’ve tried many methods suggested by health specialists friends and so on. Our Doctor suggested to try a natural formula for the meal right before sleeping and continue breastfeeding during the day. Like a miracle after a couple days he slept for more than 7 hours through. I´ve tried many brands here in the US and my baby was able to sleep but on the other hand new issues occurred, like being gassy, urine was a bit smelly and the pooping difficult too. After a lot of research I ordered European formula which is slightly more expensive but it is totally worth it. Now, little prince can sleep and poop without any problems.
neogno has been excellent to work with. They answered all questions and ship very quickly and well packed. Thank you so much!!! Little prince from New York
neogno has been excellent to work with. They answered all questions and ship very quickly and well packed. Thank you so much!!! Little prince from New York
7
All of these train the child to associate bedtime with stress and fear. The child will sleep from exhaustion. How about the brilliant Dr Sears way. The sidecar. Or our version of it. Put the King Size mattress on the floor. Pile in with kids in morning. Have a little mattress to oneside next to mommies breast. Every time the baby so much as murmurs put it to the breast. It associates bedtime with warmth, food and love. After a month it no longer cries. Ever. It doesnt need to. Its exhausting for 6 months then the feeding intervals stretch out. Soon it sleeps through the night. If you wake up you can hear the breath. It regulates its breath through the sound of yours. OK. So the sex life has to happen on the sofa. But its joyous. After breast feeding Mother is filled with endorphins. A natural high that is better than anything. Daddy can join in the cuddle with baby. Other kids pile in in the morning. This stuff you talk of is barbaric. The baby need not cry at all.
38
All suggestions here seem very good. I became a first time mother when babies were put on their stomachs while sleeping. That was the time when there were several cases of SIDS, reason unknown. For me it was not about SIDS but more because of the abnormal position of the infant's body, head and neck. The prone position was absolutely against the infant's natural position, arms moving freely , legs up and kicking! As an adult, do we lie in a prone position, after a meal, with our heads and necks to one side, not to mention our limbs against our natural position? NO! Besides, I did not leave him alone in the dark, in a crib. He lay in our bed between my husband and I, on a slightly elevated , small mattress of soft cotton with soft light, cotton-flannal blankets, in his natural position where he could move his arms and legs freely, but absolutely no pillows! He usually seemed to need a feed just before we went to bed and the he slept through the night ( except for a few times )! I don't claim to know the exact reason but perhaps it was my personal body odor, or my breast milk or a warm body near him. But it sure seemed to work. And it worked on my daughter too, three years later. So I feel I must have done something right. I did'nt go through books and books on parenting, studies or used various gadgets. I went on pure instinct, motherly instinct which I think was the best for my kids and perhaps for other parents with infants.
6
This is based on pretty old research (2006 & 2007), and much about sleep has been learned since then.
I'm disappointed that nothing was said about how much sleep infants need (16 hours), their need for consistent bedtime routines, and the various technologies & environmental interventions that can help. These include many of the same things that help older kids and adults, including a good mattress, silence or soothing sounds, darkness or soft lighting with no blue/white light to disrupt melatonin production, cool temperature, etc.
We've all seen how skipping a nap and not getting good sleep effects the mood of toddlers. The same goes for parents when they don't sleep well; they get grumpy. Sleep deficiency also affects brain development in young children and their overall health, as with you.
Beyond IQ and throughout life, research shows that developing good sleep habits improves many attributes associated with better performance at school, in sports, and eventually at work. These include qualities such as attention, behavior, concentration, decision-making, emotions, focus, judgment, learning ability, motivation, problem-solving, reaction & recovery times, reasoning, risk-taking, self-control, and much more.
Prioritizing sleep and helping your baby learn to sleep will not just help you sleep better and improve your daytime performance; it also affects your lifetime earning potential and that of your baby. (See http://www.mhealthtalk.com/economic-value-of-sleep/)
I'm disappointed that nothing was said about how much sleep infants need (16 hours), their need for consistent bedtime routines, and the various technologies & environmental interventions that can help. These include many of the same things that help older kids and adults, including a good mattress, silence or soothing sounds, darkness or soft lighting with no blue/white light to disrupt melatonin production, cool temperature, etc.
We've all seen how skipping a nap and not getting good sleep effects the mood of toddlers. The same goes for parents when they don't sleep well; they get grumpy. Sleep deficiency also affects brain development in young children and their overall health, as with you.
Beyond IQ and throughout life, research shows that developing good sleep habits improves many attributes associated with better performance at school, in sports, and eventually at work. These include qualities such as attention, behavior, concentration, decision-making, emotions, focus, judgment, learning ability, motivation, problem-solving, reaction & recovery times, reasoning, risk-taking, self-control, and much more.
Prioritizing sleep and helping your baby learn to sleep will not just help you sleep better and improve your daytime performance; it also affects your lifetime earning potential and that of your baby. (See http://www.mhealthtalk.com/economic-value-of-sleep/)
9
The eventual approach decided on by parents almost entirely depends on one of them hearing too many times the words “Your turn!”
6
I think the fear that grips the parents of a child who has trouble either falling asleep or staying asleep, can be eased if you think about it rationally. Like tying shoelaces, sucking thumbs, many speech issues, incontinence, these issues resolve in the course of normal growth and development. With a little support and a lot of love, children figure it out. The best we can do is be natural and responsive with our children, all of whom have individual sets of needs. Just be patient and remember that it will all generally be okay. In the middle of the night I used to try to think of myself as a pillow, comforting, soft, quiet and simply there. The children are all grown now. As teenagers, they could sleep until afternoon, and that is a different conversation!
9
As a teacher, here's my caution: If, as a parent, your needs (sleep/food/leisure time/control) are already outranking the needs of your crying infant-2 year old, you will probably adopt that parent-first mode for all other parenting challenges you face as the child grows.
You will more likely to let your children run wild if that's easier for you; conversely you will be more likely to react harshly (yelling/spanking/shaming) if that's easier for you. Wild kids and frightened kids are 2 sides of the same, parent-first coin.
The end result of this kind of parenting is the same 100% of the time: children with academic and/or behavioral problems regardless of your income or education level. Trust me.
The better approach is what others have mentioned: moderation, compromise, patience, and gentleness 100% of the time.
You will more likely to let your children run wild if that's easier for you; conversely you will be more likely to react harshly (yelling/spanking/shaming) if that's easier for you. Wild kids and frightened kids are 2 sides of the same, parent-first coin.
The end result of this kind of parenting is the same 100% of the time: children with academic and/or behavioral problems regardless of your income or education level. Trust me.
The better approach is what others have mentioned: moderation, compromise, patience, and gentleness 100% of the time.
30
As an individual who both studies and works with families around infant sleep, I'm familiar with the implications of labeling one side of this debate as right or wrong, or prescribing a OSFA approach to sleep training.
Articles like this one do a great job synthesizing information around a contentious topic like sleep training (See also 5/2016, it highlights and broadens some extremely evocative literature often cited in an effort to sway caregivers when considering sleep training).
What's important to remember is that thresholds for sleep deprivation vary extensively. What feels like a suitable amount of sleep to some caregivers won't feel that way to others. What is culturally acceptable or personally comfortable in terms of crying or night waking will also vary. And every baby is different. Relationships that develop between caregivers and infants vary. Thus, behavioral patterns that emerge and how families address them will also vary across children and settings.
Quality of mental health experienced by families is a real issue that must be considered in the early postpartum months. MH needs vary in response to sleep deprivation and these should be addressed for all caregivers, not just the mother. Parents who are sleep deprived may experience unforeseen depression and/or anxiety, and struggle to care for their babies/function in their lives. What is a nonissue for some may be the crux of all well being for an entire household who struggle with infant sleep.
Articles like this one do a great job synthesizing information around a contentious topic like sleep training (See also 5/2016, it highlights and broadens some extremely evocative literature often cited in an effort to sway caregivers when considering sleep training).
What's important to remember is that thresholds for sleep deprivation vary extensively. What feels like a suitable amount of sleep to some caregivers won't feel that way to others. What is culturally acceptable or personally comfortable in terms of crying or night waking will also vary. And every baby is different. Relationships that develop between caregivers and infants vary. Thus, behavioral patterns that emerge and how families address them will also vary across children and settings.
Quality of mental health experienced by families is a real issue that must be considered in the early postpartum months. MH needs vary in response to sleep deprivation and these should be addressed for all caregivers, not just the mother. Parents who are sleep deprived may experience unforeseen depression and/or anxiety, and struggle to care for their babies/function in their lives. What is a nonissue for some may be the crux of all well being for an entire household who struggle with infant sleep.
20
There is 13 years difference between our oldest child (born 1965) and our last (born 1978). In 1965, the advice was let babies cry it out and they will fall asleep. In 1978, the advice was cuddle non-sleeping babies; don't stress them by letting them cry, and they will fall asleep.
Guess what? All the babies between 1965 and 1978 fell asleep, though we handled each non-sleeper in a different way. Today, they are all doing fine psychologically--no matter how badly my husband and I worried or messed up raising them. All have children of their own (from 2-4 kids each), and as parents they now really enjoy the opportunity to sleep.
The worst period of parental worry and non-sleep for us was when they were teenagers and were out late. We had a curfew from the first child to the last, but we really did not sleep well when they were out driving with friends or out really late for proms (which became more and elaborate [and $$] as each child passed through adolescence).
Being a grandparent is a lot more fun, and while there is more uninterrupted time to sleep--you do not sleep as well when you get older (more like cat-napping).
Guess what? All the babies between 1965 and 1978 fell asleep, though we handled each non-sleeper in a different way. Today, they are all doing fine psychologically--no matter how badly my husband and I worried or messed up raising them. All have children of their own (from 2-4 kids each), and as parents they now really enjoy the opportunity to sleep.
The worst period of parental worry and non-sleep for us was when they were teenagers and were out late. We had a curfew from the first child to the last, but we really did not sleep well when they were out driving with friends or out really late for proms (which became more and elaborate [and $$] as each child passed through adolescence).
Being a grandparent is a lot more fun, and while there is more uninterrupted time to sleep--you do not sleep as well when you get older (more like cat-napping).
17
When my middle daughter was little, she had night terrors. At first I would go to her but I became so exhausted that I needed another solution. Her older sister said, "Let her sleep in my room." When the little on woke up and cried, the older one—who seemed to wield more authority than I did—told her to pipe down and the crying stopped.
Eventually, though, I made a 6-hour video tape of Sesame Street that my little one knew how to go downstairs and turn on. I have no idea how much she slept, but she sure knew her alphabet.
Eventually, though, I made a 6-hour video tape of Sesame Street that my little one knew how to go downstairs and turn on. I have no idea how much she slept, but she sure knew her alphabet.
18
7 Months ago when our first child was born, we faced a similar dilemma, and came up with our own solution.
We set up a co-sleeper next to our bed on my (the dad's) side.
After his evening feeding he would fall asleep in my wife's arms on her breastfeeding pillow. We would then carefully transfer him into his little bed, trying not to wake him. If he awoke, and rubbing his back, didn't put him back to sleep, I would reach over, take him out of his adjoining co-sleeper and nestle him in my arm, head on my shoulder, arm on my chest. He would give a big smile when I bring him in, and fall asleep instantly. I'd then silently count to 100 after the last time he moved, and then carefully extricate myself without waking him up. I'd then carefully put him back into his co-sleeper. If he wakes in the night, I repeat the cycle and bring him into bed again and repeat. When he awakes early in the morning, bringing him into bed can sometimes but as precious additional hours of morning sleep.
As a result, our little guy is always smiling, hardly ever cries day or night, and is a very happy, contented little fellow.
His beaming smile every time O bring him into bed makes the whole thing worthwhile.
I'm an extremely light sleeper, and since he's next to me, I awaken at his first stirrings and bring him into bed if he won't fall back asleep on his own, before he even cries, so there is no power struggle or drama.
We try to apply this thinking to all areas of his upbringing.
We set up a co-sleeper next to our bed on my (the dad's) side.
After his evening feeding he would fall asleep in my wife's arms on her breastfeeding pillow. We would then carefully transfer him into his little bed, trying not to wake him. If he awoke, and rubbing his back, didn't put him back to sleep, I would reach over, take him out of his adjoining co-sleeper and nestle him in my arm, head on my shoulder, arm on my chest. He would give a big smile when I bring him in, and fall asleep instantly. I'd then silently count to 100 after the last time he moved, and then carefully extricate myself without waking him up. I'd then carefully put him back into his co-sleeper. If he wakes in the night, I repeat the cycle and bring him into bed again and repeat. When he awakes early in the morning, bringing him into bed can sometimes but as precious additional hours of morning sleep.
As a result, our little guy is always smiling, hardly ever cries day or night, and is a very happy, contented little fellow.
His beaming smile every time O bring him into bed makes the whole thing worthwhile.
I'm an extremely light sleeper, and since he's next to me, I awaken at his first stirrings and bring him into bed if he won't fall back asleep on his own, before he even cries, so there is no power struggle or drama.
We try to apply this thinking to all areas of his upbringing.
53
That's great, but seriously, you haven't even made it through the 9 month sleep regression yet. Never mind the terrible twos. He can't even walk or talk yet. Try not to pat yourself too hard on the back until he's a bit older and you've made it through.
5
My adorable little guy is now 21 and your approach sounds perfect to me.
As the adults who chose to have the baby, we felt it was up to us to take the discomfort/tired hit so he didn't have to (or his little sister a few later).
We survived it just fine; you can't wake them up when they're teenagers, so you get plenty of sleep in the long run.
They're BABIES--and the baby-ness doesn't last long.
As the adults who chose to have the baby, we felt it was up to us to take the discomfort/tired hit so he didn't have to (or his little sister a few later).
We survived it just fine; you can't wake them up when they're teenagers, so you get plenty of sleep in the long run.
They're BABIES--and the baby-ness doesn't last long.
5
Lovely approach, and glad that worked for you. Just bear in mind that many parents want a solution that teaches the child to fall asleep on his/her own so that they can get some rest too.
1
This article forgot to mention parents who love sleeping with their children and who do not train them to sleep alone.
Makes it hard to get a babysitter if said babysitter is expected to sleep with the kid -- or else just let him stay up until the parents come home at 2am.
They believe their child will grow out of it when he goes to school and realizes that his friends have their own beds.
And then when that doesn't happen, and at age 6 the child is afraid to sleep alone. . . .
Makes it hard to get a babysitter if said babysitter is expected to sleep with the kid -- or else just let him stay up until the parents come home at 2am.
They believe their child will grow out of it when he goes to school and realizes that his friends have their own beds.
And then when that doesn't happen, and at age 6 the child is afraid to sleep alone. . . .
3
Or in some cases, age 9, or 12, or 15. It does happen, and I see it not infrequently. People laugh that "oh, it won't be a problem when they're a teenager." Well, they may not be broadcasting it, but there are some who do.
2
Most cultures in the world have children sleeping with their parents until they are 6. Only our spartan, militaristic culture treats this as bad for the kids. Americans really suffer most from plain old lonliness - the greatest scourge of the young and the aged.
14
you sure are judgemental.
I purposely had my baby co-sleep w me to build attachment since I was working full time.....he turned out just fine and is now a junior in high school with a high self esteem and good grades.....
I purposely had my baby co-sleep w me to build attachment since I was working full time.....he turned out just fine and is now a junior in high school with a high self esteem and good grades.....
6
While talking about babies habits we unfortunately do not discuss the evolutionary issues. Practically for the whole duration of mankind, babies have spent first couple of years closely tied up to their moms. It was a matter of survival and it may be a requirement written in the nature of human being. Only in the last couple of centuries and only in well-developed societies and rich families, babies could actually have separate places to sleep. I am not sure if this separation is a correct paradigm. In my view, it may violate the evolutionary requirements with negative consequences for mental and physical conditions of the children, down the road, and limit their full potential when they grow up. I worry that the separation paradigm comes again from our arrogant attitudes to Nature when we even did not realize that there might be a more complex picture than we think. I remember, four or five decades back, there was a false craze about replacing the mother’s milk with a formula which was supposed to be fully equivalent to the milk and would free the moms from a burden of breastfeeding. Throwing helpless little babies away from their moms is likely to be another misguided pseudo-science.
38
Only in the last century or so have people used toilets and toilet paper. In fact in many parts of the world people still do not use these items. Perhaps we should end this unnatural practice as well.
13
Adam - Jane Goodall may agree with you.
Oh, here it goes -- the argument that for most of mankind's history, children were for years, during the day, strapped to and, at night, sleeping with their mothers.
Once upon a time in the Western world, hyenas and wolves roamed freely, and parents feared for their children's safety.
Here in Brooklyn, at least, we don't have that problem.
Children learn self-sufficiency, the ability to comfort themselves, by sleeping alone. Parents who cannot or will not train their babies to be in their own beds are depriving them of a much-needed skill.
Besides, the young people I know who slept with their parents way beyond two or three years old -- and a few who went beyond that -- are totally self-absorbed and even kind of dysfunctional.
Once upon a time in the Western world, hyenas and wolves roamed freely, and parents feared for their children's safety.
Here in Brooklyn, at least, we don't have that problem.
Children learn self-sufficiency, the ability to comfort themselves, by sleeping alone. Parents who cannot or will not train their babies to be in their own beds are depriving them of a much-needed skill.
Besides, the young people I know who slept with their parents way beyond two or three years old -- and a few who went beyond that -- are totally self-absorbed and even kind of dysfunctional.
The article isn't saying that the extinction method is better. As far as I can tell, it's saying that it doesn't really matter in the long run, that none of the methods seems to cause babies harm. Personally, I would never have been able to use that method; it would have caused me more stress than going in to calm or feed or change the crying baby. But that's just me, and it has nothing to do with this article's message, which is interesting although not surprising given what I've read about babies not retaining memories before 18 months or so (?), and most babies are sleeping through the night by 18 months (hopefully!). I do wonder, though, whether repeated situations/scenarios can be more fluid in terms of retention. Just some thoughts...
2
While I'm not opposed, on principle, to any of these methods, Dr. Carroll should have included age guidelines. A parent reading this may thing it is appropriate to sleep train a newborn. Infants need to eat during the night, and being trained to sleep six to eight hours in a row too early could slow growth and cause other issues.
23
This is so easy! Breastfeed your baby, and sleep with her. When she cries, roll over and feed her. You'll both go right back to sleep. It's a sweet, dear time that doesn't last forever.
64
I rarely let either of my babies cry anything out for the first year, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have extended that mindset to 2 or 3 years. It's over in the blink of an eye and it never, ever comes back.
1
It honestly is not "so easy" for everyone, despite your experience.
13
Somebody I know did this and it went on for FIVE YEARS! She finally had to take a 2 week vacation away from the kid to get it to stop. So this strategy may work but some kids don't every want it to end!
4
What concerns me about this article is that it does not define an age range for these interventions. A new born need to be cared for when they cry. That is their method of communicating that something is wrong. They should not be ignored. While they need frequent feedings, it would be wrong to put your sleep above their nutritional needs. When they are older, helping them learn to sleep through the night is appropriate. I do feel the article should have addressed the differences.
20
I'm not a professional just a mom of a now 20-year-old. What I observe in the small close community I live in is this: long after the babies can crawl, the moms are still carrying them everywhere.
The babies get pushed in little carts/strollers, they get carried from one place to another, even from room to room in the house they live in.
My unprofessional advice: EXERCISE. In your home, or in a safe area outdoors let your baby crawl anywhere it is humanly possible. They will follow you. They will get tired.
With supervision, up and down the steps in your home, from room to room following you, at the local park, even on the sidewalk with little kneepads on.
Even in public places sometimes with people looking at you horrified.
Lots of movement is good for humans of any age.
Even in the mall allowing your toddler to walk/crawl at their own pace on their own, without holding their hand.
Yes, you will need to slow down yourself, which can't be a bad thing anyway.
The babies get pushed in little carts/strollers, they get carried from one place to another, even from room to room in the house they live in.
My unprofessional advice: EXERCISE. In your home, or in a safe area outdoors let your baby crawl anywhere it is humanly possible. They will follow you. They will get tired.
With supervision, up and down the steps in your home, from room to room following you, at the local park, even on the sidewalk with little kneepads on.
Even in public places sometimes with people looking at you horrified.
Lots of movement is good for humans of any age.
Even in the mall allowing your toddler to walk/crawl at their own pace on their own, without holding their hand.
Yes, you will need to slow down yourself, which can't be a bad thing anyway.
31
I couldn't agree more. Out of safety concerns, babies and toddlers through the age of 4, are now strapped into everything and helmeted. Their caretakers are on their cellphones. Vibrant little kids are now tortured like prisoners - unable to explore. Most of them stare vacamt;u (how sad in a 10 month old!) or sad! We baby proofed our apartment so our kids could play with everything they could reach. They had that dangerous sit and roll device no longer on the market, so they rolled everywhere inside from the age of about 6 months. They were never in a playpen except for one week-end on a ski trip where the only source of heat was a red hot boiler in the middle of the room! Even there they played outside in the snow and rode sleds and built forts. i saw a toddler strapped into to his push bicycle! How are these kids going to learn to take a fall? Roll over to break the force? Catch their breath after jumping out of a swing? Clilmb trees? Run into things? Deal with other children running into them on various coveyances? Load a wagon and pull someone else on the wagon? I think they are deprived physically, mentally, and emotionally. I see these kids in the equivalent of SUV strollers bullying everyone else off the sidewalk. What is that teaching them about driving? I drive a very small car and have been hit in my car and on the street as a pedestrian by SUV drivers on their "smart" phones.
9
My experience is that from about the age of eight months, babies want DOWN....they wiggle and squirm and try to get on their own....once they can walk...they run....and moms years for the days when babies could be content to be carried!
2
This article should have included a discussion of colic, the condition where a baby is distressed from genuine G.I. discomfort during the first 3 - 4 months of life. Babies crying from colic can be inconsolable yet they need comforting just as you would comfort an older child who is in pain, rather than following synthetic plans described in the article by Dr. Carroll.
21
As an infant, our daughter cried constantly at night. The theory back then (the 1960's) was that parents should not pick up the baby when she cried because it would spoil the child and encourage her to cry whenever she wanted to be picked up, even several years later. Our pediatrician, like many at that time, attributed the night time fussiness to "colic." We doubted it. The situation drove us crazy, and we were miserable for six months, after which our daughter suddenly began going right to sleep and staying asleep through the night. Theories aside, I think we should have tried to comfort her.
10
You don't know how things would have turned out if you had comforted her. 6 months sounds like a miracle to me. I went the comforting route, and my son used to cry terribly every night all night until he was two, and as he got older he became harder and harder to console. It was a grueling 2 years. Long term impact however is yet to be determined...
1
It is okay, you did fine, she lived right through it!
Raising three sons taught me that they are all different and that they will teach you how to get them to sleep. The one rule I had was that out of control, frantic crying was not to be tolerated. A short period of crying was okay and sometimes necessary. My middle son needed to be rocked before going to sleep, and when he started going to bed without the rocking from us, he rocked himself in his crib (which shook the whole house and made a huge racket). The youngest son had to cry in his bed before he would go to sleep, and if I tried to comfort him, it just made him cry longer. The oldest was the most difficult, had horrible colic and surgery for pyloric stenosis at one month, and finally between four and six months started to sleep much better, sleeping put 18 hours a day (making up for all his lost sleep?). What I learned from him is that mother's sleep is very important -- a lack of sleep contributes to post-partum depression which is very bad for everyone. A depressed mom is very bad for baby and mom. Breast feeding is not best for baby if it leads to mother's sleep deprivation, and letting a baby cry a little is also worth it if it leads to parents getting necessary sleep. Moderation in all things is still the best policy.
25
You are so right about the dangers of sleep deprivation...this is where grandmothers, aunties, anyone with time to help out the new mom is an invaluable asset.
6
You write all this without even mentioning what age you are talking about? This is a serious omission. Sleep training a 6 month old is an entirely different affair from trying to force a 6 week old to sleep straight through.
You also don't mention that breast- and bottle-fed babies may have very different sleep patterns. Really, these omissions are pretty unbelievable, if you're going to give public advice.
You also don't mention that breast- and bottle-fed babies may have very different sleep patterns. Really, these omissions are pretty unbelievable, if you're going to give public advice.
30
Ok, so I read it all. My parents, to the disgust of all of you, put me in the front hall closet, closed the door and gave themselves a good night's sleep. And I turned out just great... a little bit of a pervert, dyslectic but otherwise successful and normal.
3
I don't take issue with Dr. Carroll's information or data here, or various forms of encouragement, but it's kind of dumb to start prescribing any form of sleep "training" for young babies without explaining how their sleeps cycles work (much shorter than adults or even children), how newborns and young babies simply don't have the physiological capacity to go into deeper sleep, or how newborn babies are neurologically programmed to wake often and sleep lightly - so they can survive.
The very suggestion of "options" and "training" to a parent makes them think they've got control. Before setting them up for disappointment, it's probably best to make clear that, training or no, the main factor that gets a baby sleeping through the night is _age_: once they get old enough, they'll actually be _equipped_ to sleep that long and that deeply. But physiologically speaking, any animal that's increasing in size at a rate of tens of percentage points a month and having extreme cell growth and neurological development like a baby is going to be hungry - a lot, and often. When that animal has a stomach as small, and a metabolism as energetic, as a baby's, the math says the baby's going to be hungry - often.
The other factors a parent can control are environment (is it comfortable?) and routine (no, your kid's not a night owl). The concept of "training techniques" is quite enticing, but also kind of bogus.
As with most aspects of parenting, you have a lot less control than you think.
The very suggestion of "options" and "training" to a parent makes them think they've got control. Before setting them up for disappointment, it's probably best to make clear that, training or no, the main factor that gets a baby sleeping through the night is _age_: once they get old enough, they'll actually be _equipped_ to sleep that long and that deeply. But physiologically speaking, any animal that's increasing in size at a rate of tens of percentage points a month and having extreme cell growth and neurological development like a baby is going to be hungry - a lot, and often. When that animal has a stomach as small, and a metabolism as energetic, as a baby's, the math says the baby's going to be hungry - often.
The other factors a parent can control are environment (is it comfortable?) and routine (no, your kid's not a night owl). The concept of "training techniques" is quite enticing, but also kind of bogus.
As with most aspects of parenting, you have a lot less control than you think.
13
How interesting this "research" is. Where is the control group of children reared by moms and dads who never let them cry? That's the way we took care of both of our children. Every one we knew thought we were crazy. We did this mothering/fathering while working as professionasl more than full time.
Yet we survived and the kids thrived. Both are known today as adults with remarkable empathy. Both are extremely confident, successful adults with many friends, good personal and professional networks, and excellent earning power. Both kids were considered unusually mature, smart, unspoiled and confident as toddlers, kindergartners, etc.etc. right through graduate school.
Both are enthusiastic workers - started working at 15 while going to school full time. One graduated from college- the highest rated science and engineering college in the country - debt free.
Most of all both are particularly cherished as "best friends" by many people. They know how to go to experts when they don't know the answers, they are grounded yet ambitious, compassionate yet realistic.
They knew we valued excellence but we never pushed them. We can't take credit for their success but I often wonder how much our "no cry", never hit, and "don't interfere with children's arguments unless physically violent" provided the armature. They think of how both sides can win. I have tried to get them to run for public office but they refuse to be involved with such a rigged unethical system as our politics.
Yet we survived and the kids thrived. Both are known today as adults with remarkable empathy. Both are extremely confident, successful adults with many friends, good personal and professional networks, and excellent earning power. Both kids were considered unusually mature, smart, unspoiled and confident as toddlers, kindergartners, etc.etc. right through graduate school.
Both are enthusiastic workers - started working at 15 while going to school full time. One graduated from college- the highest rated science and engineering college in the country - debt free.
Most of all both are particularly cherished as "best friends" by many people. They know how to go to experts when they don't know the answers, they are grounded yet ambitious, compassionate yet realistic.
They knew we valued excellence but we never pushed them. We can't take credit for their success but I often wonder how much our "no cry", never hit, and "don't interfere with children's arguments unless physically violent" provided the armature. They think of how both sides can win. I have tried to get them to run for public office but they refuse to be involved with such a rigged unethical system as our politics.
21
How often did you tell your kids that you implemented a no cry and no hit "policy"? were they reinforced? I am curious if they even realized what you did? And if they did whether that really made them more emphatic?
2
They know that I never hit them, and I never let them cry. I explained to them (one male, one female) my theories. Of course I did a lot of other things to help them thrive. I strongly believe that the value of how parents treat their infants before they are old enough to recall the memories consciously is because babies internalize their "pre-memory" experiences in the form of confidence, creativity, and empathy. Most importantly, they become empathetic adults, to all people including their own children, and their own spouses. I have noted that the cultures most prone to violence are those which encourage physical punishment for babies and children. I don't believe letting a baby cry or hitting is the most successful way to develop humans or any animal with a backbone. Letting an infant cry in his/her crib in a wet diaper or with an empty stomach or illness, is to me is heartless and counter to all mammals' innate urge to comfort crying offspring. Maria Montessori and many other truly scientific researchers of childhood learning, advocate never wasting children's time or interrupting them when they are "studying" (like counting pebbles). When my kids woke up or stayed awake late, I played with them, or told them a story until they fell asleep. They remember and talk about my stories. I even thought they could be staying awake to have special time with me since I worked. I have never regretted the time I spent with them - among my happiest hours.
14
You should prepare yourself for the day when one of them reveals himself/herself to be imperfect. Nobody could live up to the portrait you paint of your exemplary children. it's a fantasy.
10
I’ll share what worked for us in case it can help somebody else. I started this when my baby was 17 months old, when I knew that she was just being a brat. Younger babies cry because they have legitimate needs, and they’re still building trust, so I wouldn’t start much younger.
What I did was go through the bedtime routine as usual, tell her it’s time for bed, and put her in her crib awake. Then I leave the room. She cries, and I go in immediately. I don’t turn the light on or pick her up, but I do comfort her briefly. Then I leave. She cries again. Rinse and repeat for as long as it takes. On the first night, it took 38 trips back. On the second - 16. On the third - 8 etc. By the end of the week, there was no crying at all. And it was done! It accomplished two important things: 1) I did not give in to her tantrums, so she learned that I’m more stubborn than her and crying won’t accomplish anything. And 2) that I am still there for her, and will come when she cries, she just won't get her way. So yes, my baby cried - a LOT - but not because I left her all alone to cry herself to sleep. I was there with her along the way. It didn’t take all that long - about a week of prolonged bedtime efforts, and it was done. You can apply this technique to wakings during the night or nap time. She’s 27 months old now and still has trouble falling asleep, but she doesn’t cry. She just talks to herself or plays with her lovey until eventually she falls asleep. I highly recommend this method!
What I did was go through the bedtime routine as usual, tell her it’s time for bed, and put her in her crib awake. Then I leave the room. She cries, and I go in immediately. I don’t turn the light on or pick her up, but I do comfort her briefly. Then I leave. She cries again. Rinse and repeat for as long as it takes. On the first night, it took 38 trips back. On the second - 16. On the third - 8 etc. By the end of the week, there was no crying at all. And it was done! It accomplished two important things: 1) I did not give in to her tantrums, so she learned that I’m more stubborn than her and crying won’t accomplish anything. And 2) that I am still there for her, and will come when she cries, she just won't get her way. So yes, my baby cried - a LOT - but not because I left her all alone to cry herself to sleep. I was there with her along the way. It didn’t take all that long - about a week of prolonged bedtime efforts, and it was done. You can apply this technique to wakings during the night or nap time. She’s 27 months old now and still has trouble falling asleep, but she doesn’t cry. She just talks to herself or plays with her lovey until eventually she falls asleep. I highly recommend this method!
43
I distrust articles like this one. I feel I'm being brainwashed about something, not sure what. The approach feels a bit cold-hearted to me. Maybe what resonates has something to do with the difference between mothers and fathers and their parenting styles. "Stiff upper lip," says dad. "Let me comfort you," says mom.
I have no science to back up the statement I'm about to make, but for the most part, women seem to have more empathy than men. Is empathy a necessary requirement for good parenting? Does this system "extinction" (what a name!) ask up to suppress our empathy?
I have no science to back up the statement I'm about to make, but for the most part, women seem to have more empathy than men. Is empathy a necessary requirement for good parenting? Does this system "extinction" (what a name!) ask up to suppress our empathy?
5
We were lucky enough to have a baby who slept through then night fairly early and with little need for sleep training. As someone who can fall very quickly back to sleep when awakened, it wasn't a huge ordeal to comfort our daughter back down. That said, as I read through these comments, I'm getting increasingly disgusted at those who are accusing parents who try to sleep train their babies as cruel or unwilling to deal with the "inconvenience" of a baby who just wants to be cuddled. Sleep (for parents and baby) is not a luxury, it's a requirement for basic and healthy brain functioning. Yes, baby may experience some insecurity when parents don't immediately respond to cries. They may learn that they can comfort themselves in their sleep and mom and dad will be there in the morning. Given that I was an exhausted, working single mother, I'm pretty positive there were some nights where I slept through some crying and she put herself back down to sleep.
I'm especially skeptical of those who point back towards how mothers have been handling sleep with infants as "evidence" that co-sleeping and instant responding is better. Just how, exactly do you know they didn't try to let their babies cry a bit before responding?
I'm especially skeptical of those who point back towards how mothers have been handling sleep with infants as "evidence" that co-sleeping and instant responding is better. Just how, exactly do you know they didn't try to let their babies cry a bit before responding?
16
As an old pediatric/neonatal nurse, (50+ yrs in the business of parents and kids), and the mother of three well adjusted, caring, self sufficient adults, two of which are successful parents of my grandchildren...that said, trust me. IT'S A CRAP SHOOT.
Parents, arm yourselves with information, read and listen to medical and non medical advice and DO YOUR BEST.
Love and enjoy your infants, best you can in the fog of chronic sleep deprivation,trust your gut and don't be afraid to switch strategies.
If your infant cries a lot it's probably not your fault, not anything YOU are doing or not doing. Every child and every parent brings their own baggage to the situation. NO one can give you the exact advice you may need, (if they do, then go for it).
As these 'comments' show, there are hundreds of pieces of advice which may be right for you and yours...or maybe not.
Different strategies, (or lack of), work for different kids...what worked for an older sibling may not work this time.
On top of it is all the scary warnings based on what is still a 'theory' about Sudden Infant Death...no swaddling, no covers, no co-bedding. Everyone has to make their own best decision and I won't offer any advice from here.
It won't last forever...or shouldn't, (again...trust your gut and don't be afraid to ask for help or advice).
Again: IT'S A CRAP SHOOT...good luck and prayers for all.
Parents, arm yourselves with information, read and listen to medical and non medical advice and DO YOUR BEST.
Love and enjoy your infants, best you can in the fog of chronic sleep deprivation,trust your gut and don't be afraid to switch strategies.
If your infant cries a lot it's probably not your fault, not anything YOU are doing or not doing. Every child and every parent brings their own baggage to the situation. NO one can give you the exact advice you may need, (if they do, then go for it).
As these 'comments' show, there are hundreds of pieces of advice which may be right for you and yours...or maybe not.
Different strategies, (or lack of), work for different kids...what worked for an older sibling may not work this time.
On top of it is all the scary warnings based on what is still a 'theory' about Sudden Infant Death...no swaddling, no covers, no co-bedding. Everyone has to make their own best decision and I won't offer any advice from here.
It won't last forever...or shouldn't, (again...trust your gut and don't be afraid to ask for help or advice).
Again: IT'S A CRAP SHOOT...good luck and prayers for all.
91
I was deeply troubled what to do. Till the book explained. A frustrated baby can learn to handle themselves, some more persistent that others. A terrified baby is not to be left alone. As a parent I would HEAR the difference. He was called stubborn, he was called persistent, strong, able to express himself. Qualities needed in today's world.
2
Good lord, this all sounds like a freaking nightmare for everyone involved. It's one of the many reasons why my spouse and I chose to never have kids. And we both sleep through the night just fine! ;)
13
When a baby cries for a while, their little noses become stuffy and blocked so they breathe through their mouths which can lead to a dry scratchy throat which can even lead to a sore throat which can lead to more crying. I'm crying just writing this!
4
Or they throw up bc of the snotty nose/throat/mucus
2
"Ninety-four percent of the 52 reviewed studies found that the interventions led to improved sleep, and more than 80 percent of children who were treated improved significantly."
The systematic review would seem to indicate that none of the interventions really have any effect, they are just placebo. If nearly every intervention showed improvement in nearly all children (80%), then it's very likely that time is what is solving the sleep issues. I don't know what the control groups were, but I'd imagine a control group in which the parents did nothing, or didn't change their current routine, would see the same improvement as the interventions over the same time period.
The systematic review would seem to indicate that none of the interventions really have any effect, they are just placebo. If nearly every intervention showed improvement in nearly all children (80%), then it's very likely that time is what is solving the sleep issues. I don't know what the control groups were, but I'd imagine a control group in which the parents did nothing, or didn't change their current routine, would see the same improvement as the interventions over the same time period.
7
The anthropologist would ask, what do parents in traditional societies do? I guarantee you it is not let the baby scream all night. In village societies in Thailand, the mother lies with her babies while they breast feed - as long as necessary. The Extinction method seems likely to promote narcissistic personality disorder as the baby learns to look internally for comfort and not to bond with another human being because they cannot be counted on. I bet that a study comparing traditional with "modern" societies for narcissistic personality disorder would find almost 0 incidence in traditional societies and high rates in societies practicing let baby cry by themselves.
62
And how many of the mothers in those traditional societies had to wake up at 6 am the next day to go sit behind a computer for 8+ hours? News flash: we no longer live in a village society. We need to find a middle ground to balance what is best for our babies with the modern responsibilities that are put on mothers and fathers. It's no secret that our society places very little importance and offers little to no support to new parents. Statements like yours about how all mothers should be raising our babies like Thai villagers just makes the situation worse.
15
Mental "illness" is highly subjective and varies widely from culture to culture. You can't compare them cross-culturally.
Nevertheless, I believe in keeping a baby close to mother 24/7 and allowing them to nurse on demand. It's just a few months, you really have nothing that's more important at that point. I know that's not possible for every family, but at least at night, surely.
Nevertheless, I believe in keeping a baby close to mother 24/7 and allowing them to nurse on demand. It's just a few months, you really have nothing that's more important at that point. I know that's not possible for every family, but at least at night, surely.
2
In traditional societies babies are cared for by an extensive network of family and neighbors, including often other lactating women helping to feed the baby. It is not expected for the mother to be the one and only sole caregiver around the clock, providing all care and all nourishment. Particularly for the first period of time around birth, postpartum women are made to rest and their other responsibilities, including for other children, are taken on by this network, and only gradually does she take on her old roles. Perhaps rather than denigrating women who are at the end of their ropes, isolated and sleepless caring for infants often with little help while having countless other responsibilities, including full workdays outside of the home, you could also see how these traditional societies support these mothers in ways that modern society doesn't.
21
That developmentally appropriate needs are not clarified in an article that promotes extinction method of sleep training makes me question the competence of this doctor. I don't care about his qualifications - there are plenty of stories of horrific unempathetic doctors who treat women and children terribly. Extinction is child abuse for a newborn infant - they need food and comfort throughout the night. There are some that can sleep longer but most not. When in our history as a species have a people left a baby for 10 hours to scream? In what culture is this acceptable? This doctor completely ignores breastfeeding and the biological connection between mother and child. He never mentions how breastfeeding regulates normal intervals of eating and bodily contact. No matter if you feed formula or breastmilk, an infant needs food and closeness at regular intervals. Why would modern life override millions of years of biological programming? Babies should be methodically moved toward longer periods of sleep. Some babies need more attention and that is okay. Allowing an infant to scream for hours is inhuman. If mothers of children with sleep difficulties develop depression it is because there is no support system in this culture. We need better parental leave laws and more support in our culture for mothers of young children. And we need to understand that children are not there for our convenience.
132
Thank you.
3
I love how he is driving his wife, who is most likely in extreme pain, to the hospital and his main concern is his lack of sleep over the coming days. Spoken like a true man.
133
Honestly, I'm a mother who gave birth to a baby, and sleep was my main concern for the first 6.5 months too. Until we sleep trained that is. Don't be sexist, women need sleep too.
7
Crying it out only becomes necessary when babies are in the habit of unnecessary night wake-ups already.
I have a 10 week old who has been sleeping 8 hour stretches at night for nearly a month now. All I did was a. Put him to bed sleepy but awake b. When he woke in the night, wait three minutes to pick him up, to give him a chance to self soothe. I learned this method from a study in Pediatrics examining sleeping in exclusively breast-fed infants.
His five newborn night waking a became two, then one, then none.
I recommend this simple method to any new parent, starting on baby's first night home. There is no need for the parental anguish of crying it out if you start early.
I have a 10 week old who has been sleeping 8 hour stretches at night for nearly a month now. All I did was a. Put him to bed sleepy but awake b. When he woke in the night, wait three minutes to pick him up, to give him a chance to self soothe. I learned this method from a study in Pediatrics examining sleeping in exclusively breast-fed infants.
His five newborn night waking a became two, then one, then none.
I recommend this simple method to any new parent, starting on baby's first night home. There is no need for the parental anguish of crying it out if you start early.
9
Your method -- or early sleep training of any technique -- cannot work in conjunction with breastfeeding. Successful longterm lactation won't work if your 10 week old isn't breastfeeding at night.
6
My daughter was sleeping through the night at 10 weeks, 10PM-6AM without a peep and I thought "I am so good at this sleep training thing - wow!" And then she started waking twice a night starting at 6 months and continued to do so until she was 2.5. Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
16
you really mean don't count your chickens until they come home to roost - because these eggs already hatched :-)
2
It is important to plan ahead, first and foremost think about the crib that the baby will sleep in: is it going to be static? Is it going to be with a swing? Which swing works better: a horizontal one or a more natural vertical swing? We can advise choosing vertical, of course.
On the advise of her French pediatrician my daughter not only nursed her babies through toddler years stopping naturally, but she also co slept with her babies after the newborn stage. While they were small, they slept in a bassinet by the bed. Since my daughter works, this arrangement was a comfort to all. The pediatrician, who had worked in Africa ,believed babies need to be near their mothers. Mothers , as well, need to be near them. There was never bedtime crying. Perhaps this is not for everyone but it certainly works for my daughter and her children.
59
This is so interesting to me, because my first French pediatrician told me that breast-feeding was a problem "chez les Anglo-Saxones." Thank goodness I had Spock on hand and was able to read his section on when to change doctors. My second French pediatrician had worked in Biafra and told me she had no problem with my breastfeeding. I made my peace with her.
2
It's not the babies , their parents are the problems . They have one thing in mind and they want that to work for their babies. Like everybody else , you need time to know your baby. Learn to read her first and you'll know how to handle it from feeding , playing , sleeping etc.
I know a parents of 2. The first one was a terrible sleeper , they tried everything , I mean everything nothing worked, until she turned two then learned to sleep through the night in her own . Then came number 2, who slept the day and night away from the age of 6 mo ,they checked on him, woke him up but the baby wouldn't wake up after 12h straight of sleep.
I know a parents of 2. The first one was a terrible sleeper , they tried everything , I mean everything nothing worked, until she turned two then learned to sleep through the night in her own . Then came number 2, who slept the day and night away from the age of 6 mo ,they checked on him, woke him up but the baby wouldn't wake up after 12h straight of sleep.
5
In the interest of full disclosure, I, like most women in Canada, received government benefit when my children were first born, which obviously relieved me of the burden of having to work. As the mother of two young children, I'm in the throngs of this right now. All mother's seem to complain about a lack of sleep. I wonder why? I can't say this to my stay at home mom friend's faces, but this is what I'm thinking. Firstly, don't share a bed with your kid, no one sleeps. Secondly, in the middle of the night, after the baby has been changed, feed and burped, put the baby to sleep in his or her crib and leave the baby alone. Keep the lights off, feed, change baby by dim nightlight. I aim to be an attentive parent during the day, but in the middle of the night, it's a no go. Sleep is pretty much second only to oxygen and food, humans NEED sleep for health. Obviously, when it's a newborn it's needs in the middle of the night need to be attended to, but once a newborns needs have been met put the baby down to sleep. If baby cries, it's because babies cry. It's not a big deal. Today, my kids, literally never wake me in the middle of the night, unless sick, which is rare. I put them to bed at 7:30 and they sleep happily until 6 or 7. They appear to be happy, outgoing well rested creatures. That said, hats off to working mothers! I don't know if I would be so inattentive to babies cries in the middle of the night if I also had to leave said baby and go to work.
50
Right, because what works for one baby works for all babies. Tried your method. Resulted in ever escalating screams and constant wake ups. Switched to cosleeping, I get tons more sleep.
7
My baby slept through the night at four months. I tried to wake her up because my breasts were full and she was missing her usual night feeding...she would not wake up. I went to her whenever she made a peep and she still learned to sleep through the night at an early age. She slept for a full twelve hours with me hovering over her every few hours to make sure she was still breathing. Now she is 38 years old so she made it just fine but I sure miss hovering over that sleeping baby.
6
So, in short: how to put your baby to sleep? However works best for you.
For us, it's been best to simply respond to his cries. So far, so good. Now 3, he still seeks us for comfort and climbs into our bed every night/morning. Sometimes at 3 o'clock, sometimes at 6. Eventually, he'll stop coming in and I guess that we'll miss it.
For us, it's been best to simply respond to his cries. So far, so good. Now 3, he still seeks us for comfort and climbs into our bed every night/morning. Sometimes at 3 o'clock, sometimes at 6. Eventually, he'll stop coming in and I guess that we'll miss it.
9
The Contented Baby by Gina Ford, a British nurse, helped lead to my grand daughter sleeping through the night at 2 months. Why? Her parents anticipated baby's needs of sleep, feeding, and diaper change. This meant a fairly strict schedule (waking her to feed her!) but has it paid off!! What a happy baby she is!! Well rested and well fed!
8
My father bragged that being walked and sung to by their grandfather always put his grandchildren to sleep. He was right, but it didn't help when Grandpa wasn't around.
2
A name like extinction applied to babies is unfortunate. As a parent of a 23 year old, I
responded and comforted my child when he woke up during the night. By 4 months old he slept through the night; by 11 months old he slept consistently through the night.
I was surprised when my neighbors decided to use the Ferber method with their son, I recall them saying it would continue for a week, a week that lasted for two years of crying through the night.
It was terrible for everyone, not just his parents.
responded and comforted my child when he woke up during the night. By 4 months old he slept through the night; by 11 months old he slept consistently through the night.
I was surprised when my neighbors decided to use the Ferber method with their son, I recall them saying it would continue for a week, a week that lasted for two years of crying through the night.
It was terrible for everyone, not just his parents.
12
Ferber took about one week for all three of ours, always starting at 5-6 months. Something else was going on with your neighbor's child, I suspect.
1
We used graduated extinction with success, and I would highly recommend Ferber's book "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems." My first slept in 45-minute increments, was allergic to formula so I exclusively breastfed him, and always had low sleep needs compared to his peers (slept about 9 total hours a day even as an infant). I was losing my mind, and teaching my baby how to sleep for 6-7 hours without waking up restored some modicum of sanity to an otherwise chaotic life phase. People want to talk only about possible harm to babies (of which there is no evidence) but rarely do we hear about possible harm to mothers due to sleep deprivation. For anyone who doubts that, google "Rechtshaffen rats."
27
You raise an important point, which is that while everyone waxes poetic about what is best for the baby, they ignore that often it is the parents' well-being that will have the greatest sway on how well the baby does. Unhappy parents do not bode well for a positive upbringing. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, and when pediatricians emphasize scheduling a mother's life around 1-hour wakings, they are advocating for cruelty.
9
When I read Dr. Carroll say, that the "Extinction" (scary name) method of sleep intervention for baby is "unbelievably stressful for parents"--- I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What about how stressful it is for baby? What is baby learning when left to cry and cry and cry? They are learning that no-one comes to comfort them when they are in need. Crying is the only way baby can communicate their needs and they need to be comforted every single time. Dr. Carroll's first thought when his wife went into labor was---"I'm never going to be well rested again"---what is more important baby's feeling of security or sleep?
26
What would help is if newborns were screened at the hospital for alertness. The higher the level of alertness right out of the womb, the more information the parent needs to receive about what I would call, "baby sleep hygiene." Black out blinds in the nursery, noise machine, swaddle, crank up the A/C to lower the body temp for sleep preparation, motionlessness, etc. We had to get serious about our baby's sleep environment and turn it into a sensory deprivation chamber, but unfortunately it took us an agonizingly long time to figure it out (trial and error and ignoring every bit of written 'wisdom' out there, including the 5 Ss), and everybody suffered as our strong-willed, alert baby screamed until he was purple for hours every night.
4
I didn't start letting my twin sons cry it out until around 8 months, when I saw a Donahue show on the subject. I went in to say go to sleep but didn't pick anyone up, and that was truly difficult.
First night, Monday was rough, 40 minutes of crying. Tuesday was a little better, around 30. Wednesday was about 20 minutes, Thursday only took 5 minutes, and Friday they went to sleep without crying.
Relieved and more rested until the driving years kicked in...
First night, Monday was rough, 40 minutes of crying. Tuesday was a little better, around 30. Wednesday was about 20 minutes, Thursday only took 5 minutes, and Friday they went to sleep without crying.
Relieved and more rested until the driving years kicked in...
13
When my daughter was a baby, I knew I couldn't survive without sleep. I also knew I couldn't spend all my nights rocking and consoling. I found the Ferber method to be a lifesaver. Although it was excruciating to listen to the crying the first night (and we all cried together), the second night was better, and on the third night there was no crying from anyone. What a relief. I highly recommend it. Although I must admit, most parents I've talked to could not make it past the first night.
18
Ferber was amazingly effective within a relatively short time for all three of our babies. I did, however, I have to restrain my highly sensitive husband from breaking with protocol the first time we did it. After baby number one learned to self-soothe within a week, he was a convert. The next two were easy.
Note to parents considering the Ferber "gradual extinction" approach: this article does not discuss the appropriate age to start, or the fact that breast-fed babies often need to feed more frequently than bottle-fed babies, including at night during the early months.
If you plan to try the (Dr. Richard) Ferber approach, read the entire book and DO NOT try to sleep train earlier than recommended! The baby must be developmentally ready.
Note to parents considering the Ferber "gradual extinction" approach: this article does not discuss the appropriate age to start, or the fact that breast-fed babies often need to feed more frequently than bottle-fed babies, including at night during the early months.
If you plan to try the (Dr. Richard) Ferber approach, read the entire book and DO NOT try to sleep train earlier than recommended! The baby must be developmentally ready.
2
While the content of your article is commendable and helpful, the accompanying photo is unfortunate. Pediatricians now recommend that to reduce the likelihood of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) a baby under one year should always be put to sleep on his/her back. The photo, while adorable, unwittingly suggests otherwise.
NYT editor: Much appreciated, to you and all the others who have written in. We're now closing all comments on that angle. Thanks again.
NYT editor: Much appreciated, to you and all the others who have written in. We're now closing all comments on that angle. Thanks again.
3
We tried to Ferberize the first of our three (smart, strong willed) daughters but she would have none of it, so we learned to cuddle them and soothe them back to sleep. Eventually, they learned to sleep through the night around the age of two. (This was around the same time that they gave up the afternoon nap.)
If the doctor's "method" doesn't work, don't feel bad. Eventually, your child will sleep through the night. Do what works best for you and society should remember that parenting is the hardest job in the world!
If the doctor's "method" doesn't work, don't feel bad. Eventually, your child will sleep through the night. Do what works best for you and society should remember that parenting is the hardest job in the world!
9
As a family physician and parent, I can certain appreciate the value of the information presented in this article. However, in the interest of promoting safe sleep for infants, I request that the NYT please replace the image associated with the piece with one that demonstrates current recommendations. To reduce risk of SIDS and other sleep related deaths, infants should be placed on their backs, on a firm, flat surface, free of soft, loose bedding. Remember, a picture is worth a thousand words!!
NYT editor: Thanks. We've replaced the photo. Again, thanks to all the doctors and concerned parents who have written in.
NYT editor: Thanks. We've replaced the photo. Again, thanks to all the doctors and concerned parents who have written in.
6
As a pediatrician the first thing I noticed was a baby swaddled in blankets, and I saw this picture hours after your post.
1
All of these methods sound incredibly stressful for both parents and babies, who do wake up frequently because they are hungry, and need to be comforted, and crying is their only way to communicate. Is the lesson we want them to learn that whey they cry out their loved ones won't help? For many thousands of years, mothers have managed to get plenty of sleep and meet their babies needs by keeping their babies close by so that they can nurse them easily during the night.
Of course, what is really needed is for our society to care enough about babies and families to require something most of the rest of the world already has- paid family leave, to give new parents the time they need to care for their newborns without the added stress of returning to work so soon.
Of course, what is really needed is for our society to care enough about babies and families to require something most of the rest of the world already has- paid family leave, to give new parents the time they need to care for their newborns without the added stress of returning to work so soon.
110
Actually, for thousands of years, average adult night sleep duration was 6.5h, and mothers were probably sleep deprived most of the time.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/69990/early-humans-probably-didnt-get-muc...
I don't know about you, but 6.5h is not enough for me. Also, historically extended family and villages helped with kids, and there was no set time to be at work by. Times change, living conditions change, environment changes, and we change along with our child rearing methods to adopt to the new environment. It is perfectly natural.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/69990/early-humans-probably-didnt-get-muc...
I don't know about you, but 6.5h is not enough for me. Also, historically extended family and villages helped with kids, and there was no set time to be at work by. Times change, living conditions change, environment changes, and we change along with our child rearing methods to adopt to the new environment. It is perfectly natural.
2
As a mother of a six month old, it is not clear to me whether I should prioritize sleeping through the night or breastfeeding. I have chosen to prioritize breastfeeding (for now); however, the literature isn't clear if that is the right choice. My baby still wakes up once or twice a night to feed; at his 4-month appointment the pediatrician made us feel guilty about that (We have since switched pediatricians). All my friends' babies who are formula fed sleep through the night; if that is the answer and should be the priority then I will happily switch. Any insights from Dr. Carroll or other parents is appreciated.
2
My short reply: prioritize breastfeeding for the long-term health benefits, which I have seen strong evidence of in my study of 2 (daughters who are now 20 and 17). I think for many who choose "sleeping through the night" as a higher priority, it is their own "sleeping through the night" they are most anxious about, and if the parents really suffer from being awakened by their children, they may need to make a different choice. But if you (the parent) can tolerate interrupted sleep (your own), keep up the breastfeeding for at least a year to prevent sleepless nights in the future due to your child's illness -- which is far more stressful than being woken up to feed!
1
Breastmilk is more quickly digested thank formula, so this is probably your issue. I applaud you for breastfeeding your six month old! There is great value to extended breastfeeding. Night weaning is one of the things that shortens breastfeeding duration by causing supply problems (prolactin levels are higher at night). As a mom of 3 kids who are now 19-29, I look back on extended breastfeeding as the best decision I made as a mother. And I NEVER let my babies cry it out.
4
There is no scientific evidence of any benefits of breastfeeding past 6 months. Non-scientists will tell you there is, but it's not true. At 6 months, I would prioritize sleep, no question.
2
This article might have been more effective if the leading photograph was not of a baby sleeping on his stomach. To help prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), babies should be put "back to sleep". Putting babies to sleep on their backs has greated reduced the number of SIDS deaths.
NYT editor: Thanks. We've changed the photo. And thanks to all those who have written in.
NYT editor: Thanks. We've changed the photo. And thanks to all those who have written in.
2
I still find it barbaric to ignore babies who are crying for help. If you had had a stroke and couldn't move, and cried out for help, would you expect to be ignored or "trained" to stop asking? Just because babies learn to stop the crying doesn't mean they won't make you pay for it later. With my children, I snuggled or walked or nursed them until they fell asleep, sometimes repeatedly during the night. Yes, I was sleep-deprived, but it is temporary. While the snuggling/listening-to-your-child method is inconvenient, no one ever said having a baby would be convenient. Those joys lie elsewhere.
83
Extinction is no longer accepted as a method in Europe, it was used in the seventies and it is now considered anachronistic. Who would want a child to grow up thinking that is is useless to cry because nobody will listen to you?
Please consider evidence on the medium and long term.
Please consider evidence on the medium and long term.
83
Sleep trained kids do continue to cry to have their needs met. They learn that what happens at night is sleep, not endless play and jumping around.
In Italy maybe, but I'm not so sure about the rest of Europe. In one of the most widely used French baby books (J'élève mon enfant), the guidance for pretty much any kind of sleep issue from three months old is to let the baby cry it out. In the UK I've heard of multiple health visitors give similar guidance (though personally I'm not comfortable with it).
There isn't any. There is only opinion based on confirmation bias.
1
I think that more than the baby, it depends on what kind of parent that will determine the success of any sleep training methods. More often it is the parents quality of life that is the chief factor driving the choice. Babies around the world, via different ways and means, mostly start to sleep appropriately by themselves as young children.
4
If by "the parent's quality of life" you mean the parent's continuing ability to earn a living in a wakeful state in the daytime hours to feed and shelter the baby, then I agree with you. I definitely cared about that aspect of the quality of my life, which otherwise had nothing to do with any selfish desires of mine when my babies were young.
2
Yes, in addition I particularly thought it was important that I at least be well rested enough not to 1) fall asleep and crash the car and kill or seriously injure said baby as well as myself 2) not fall asleep while feeding and drop/accidentally smother said baby from exhaustion. Selfish desires, I know.
1
These articles I get...probably some parents need to be reassured but I think our expectations for babies are just crazy for 2016.
There have been babies on this planet for a very long time. Parents have been dealing with them waking up for a very long time. Just that in 2016 we're all Instagram, instant fixes, dr. only approved sleeping plans, etc.
People who decide to have kids need to deal....they do create disruption in one's life. They are not just an accessory or a means to being in on a trend. Take a cue from mother nature's other animals...You are the mama - spend time with your newborn. You can't program them at 4 weeks...extinction is creepy name and even creepier strategy.
There have been babies on this planet for a very long time. Parents have been dealing with them waking up for a very long time. Just that in 2016 we're all Instagram, instant fixes, dr. only approved sleeping plans, etc.
People who decide to have kids need to deal....they do create disruption in one's life. They are not just an accessory or a means to being in on a trend. Take a cue from mother nature's other animals...You are the mama - spend time with your newborn. You can't program them at 4 weeks...extinction is creepy name and even creepier strategy.
21
This misses the obvious point that humans in the year 2016 do not live in any way, shape or form like the humans of past millennia.
There is no community to help out, day or night time. There is only the alarm ringing at 6:45 AM, the morning chores, the daycare drop off, and the waiting cubicle. Is it any wonder that getting baby to sleep feels important now in a way that it perhaps did not in the ancient past?
There is no community to help out, day or night time. There is only the alarm ringing at 6:45 AM, the morning chores, the daycare drop off, and the waiting cubicle. Is it any wonder that getting baby to sleep feels important now in a way that it perhaps did not in the ancient past?
3
Please put a new photo up with the article! We have been trying to get families to position their babies "back to sleep" since the early 90s. Looks cute, many babies like it, but there is a significantly higher risk of SIDS.
NYT editor: Thanks. We're replacing the photo. Thanks to all who wrote in.
NYT editor: Thanks. We're replacing the photo. Thanks to all who wrote in.
7
"The downside [of extinction], of course, is that it’s unbelievably stressful for parents."
vs.
"none [of the interventions] caused any concerning levels of stress" in infants.
So the adults who subject their infants to extinction methods experience "unbelievable" levels of stress while the infants who must undergo them don't experience anything to worry about? That seems counter intuitive.
vs.
"none [of the interventions] caused any concerning levels of stress" in infants.
So the adults who subject their infants to extinction methods experience "unbelievable" levels of stress while the infants who must undergo them don't experience anything to worry about? That seems counter intuitive.
15
Life involves times of stress for everyone.
3
It's great to see articles discussing the research. The early months with an infant can be stressful and some of the stress comes from feeling like the sleeplessness is interminable. Every child is different as are every parent's choices. However, there is value in parents learning that there are options that work 80% of the time.
I was in a parenting group with a mom who was so exhausted she couldn't keep her eyes open and every week it got worse by the time she quit the class she seemed on the verge of a breakdown. Before giving birth she had read a book that said sleep training caused stress and affected attachment so she would not even consider any training. It was sad to watch this mother's mental health deteriorate from week to week. That memory has stuck with me.
Parents need reliable information to make informed choices. This article helps.
I was in a parenting group with a mom who was so exhausted she couldn't keep her eyes open and every week it got worse by the time she quit the class she seemed on the verge of a breakdown. Before giving birth she had read a book that said sleep training caused stress and affected attachment so she would not even consider any training. It was sad to watch this mother's mental health deteriorate from week to week. That memory has stuck with me.
Parents need reliable information to make informed choices. This article helps.
9
We can't wait for the toddler who screams and wails directly above us with all windows open to become a teenager. Well over an hour a night of loud screaming is not only stressful for parents but also for those who dwell above, next to and below.
Not all infants are in single family homes.
Not all infants are in single family homes.
69
Understanding basics about sleep can be very helpful. Knowing that there are different phases including awakenings during the night is important. The child(and parents) can only get a full night's sleep if the child is able to fall asleep on her own. So extinction(credit should go to Dr Ferber)is a successful and kind method which almost always works quickly, if the parents understand what they're doing.
All I know is what my mother told me. For my older brother she followed Dr Spock, for me she threw it out.
4
I've just spent the weekend with my son, his wife, two yo and one month old grandsons. When baby number one was born we all tiptoed around whispering while he was asleep upstairs. Baby number two sleeps through big brother zooming around yelling in the same room.
My take is that none of these methods do anything and that the 80 percent of kids they seem to work on would sleep anyways. I refused to Ferberize my children after the pediatrician told me to leave my son to scream himself to sleep, even after he had screamed until he vommitted. The Dr's. Advice was to leave him to sleep in a pool of his own vomit! He was 5 months old.
I can't see how any of these methods improve a parents life, or the child's. I simply snuggled with my children until they fell back asleep. If I fell asleep on the floor by the crib it was still better than lying in my own bed listening to them scream. Later They all slept in the same room, and often chose to sleep in the same bed. Happy to report that they all now sleep through the night on their own, except of course the one with a newborn son.
My take is that none of these methods do anything and that the 80 percent of kids they seem to work on would sleep anyways. I refused to Ferberize my children after the pediatrician told me to leave my son to scream himself to sleep, even after he had screamed until he vommitted. The Dr's. Advice was to leave him to sleep in a pool of his own vomit! He was 5 months old.
I can't see how any of these methods improve a parents life, or the child's. I simply snuggled with my children until they fell back asleep. If I fell asleep on the floor by the crib it was still better than lying in my own bed listening to them scream. Later They all slept in the same room, and often chose to sleep in the same bed. Happy to report that they all now sleep through the night on their own, except of course the one with a newborn son.
95
Thanks for the review of scientific studies that seem to support any sleep strategy for children as long as it is used consistently. That is the same advice my grandma would give, but she doesn't have a PhD.
As reassuring as these conclusions are (most children outgrow sleep issues and all sleep strategies seem to work for most kids) there is a lot of pain and frustration that this article did not address. Maybe a researcher can be objective, but that is much harder when it is YOUR child that is screaming at 1 am. Parents and children have real-life struggles from lack of sleep. It isn't less agonizing to be desperately exhausted just because you know that in 15 years this child will be sleeping fine. Young children that are cranky and defiant later in the day do not take comfort that IN A FEW YEARS this will be over. They are more likely to be sent for an ADHD evaluation or special education services.
As a Happiest Baby on the Block educator and a pediatric occupational therapist, it would be just as interesting and more helpful to parents to add some helpful strategies. Thinking that reassurance that today's agony won't affect the future will be better does not makes a family's daily life one bit better.
As reassuring as these conclusions are (most children outgrow sleep issues and all sleep strategies seem to work for most kids) there is a lot of pain and frustration that this article did not address. Maybe a researcher can be objective, but that is much harder when it is YOUR child that is screaming at 1 am. Parents and children have real-life struggles from lack of sleep. It isn't less agonizing to be desperately exhausted just because you know that in 15 years this child will be sleeping fine. Young children that are cranky and defiant later in the day do not take comfort that IN A FEW YEARS this will be over. They are more likely to be sent for an ADHD evaluation or special education services.
As a Happiest Baby on the Block educator and a pediatric occupational therapist, it would be just as interesting and more helpful to parents to add some helpful strategies. Thinking that reassurance that today's agony won't affect the future will be better does not makes a family's daily life one bit better.
8
There's something very creepy about the word extinction to be used on a baby.
101
There's also something quite creepy about recommending that parents schedule their lives around a baby's 45-minute sleep cycles, even though sleep deprivation is a well-known form of torture.
2
As well as "putting your baby to sleep." That's a common euphemism for killing your dogs and cats by lethal injection. Otherwise known as a euphemism for "euthanasia."
Why is it that so many words which begin with eu are a little creepy? Like eugenics...
Why is it that so many words which begin with eu are a little creepy? Like eugenics...
Susan --
"eu" translates to "good."
Eg, euphoria.
But I certainly agree that eugenics did not turn out to be good at all.
"eu" translates to "good."
Eg, euphoria.
But I certainly agree that eugenics did not turn out to be good at all.
Just something to note, the baby in the photo for this article is on it's front. All babies should be put to sleep on their backs as it reduces the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Just remember "back to bed".
13
I am a 52 year male and my first baby is due in the next few weeks. I hope she learns how to sleep through the night quickly.
Personally, I like the Fading routine as I plan to spend a lot of time with my little girl and read to her each night.
Personally, I like the Fading routine as I plan to spend a lot of time with my little girl and read to her each night.
5
The author states that "The good news is that almost all interventions work." but also that "more than 80 percent of children who were treated improved significantly".
He could as easily told us that nearly 20% of children *don't* respond to these treatments and that parents should weigh the anguish of sleep training against these odds.
The author states that these intervention methods are safe as "none caused any concerning levels of stress." This is based on studies that test cortisol levels and parental attachment (stranger test) at the 1 year and 5 year marks.
He could as easily told us that there is tremendous stress during the intervention, which can last for weeks. And doesn't work nearly 20% of the time.
He could as easily told us that nearly 20% of children *don't* respond to these treatments and that parents should weigh the anguish of sleep training against these odds.
The author states that these intervention methods are safe as "none caused any concerning levels of stress." This is based on studies that test cortisol levels and parental attachment (stranger test) at the 1 year and 5 year marks.
He could as easily told us that there is tremendous stress during the intervention, which can last for weeks. And doesn't work nearly 20% of the time.
28
What does this add to the discussion? We all know how to do simple math.
6
As new parents as of 7 weeks ago, it would also help if the author clarified the "baby" age range when to consider trying some of these techniques. We understood the AAP says crying is normal and to immediately respond to all baby cries when the baby is under 3 months. In one AAP sleep training study cited, the youngest babies were 7 months...
9
Hi anonymom,
I think that the author is trying to reassure parents that it is okay to sleep train and, to achieve this, the article has a particular spin. I personally found it interesting to reframe it with the opposite spin.
I did check the referenced studies. One item that I'd like to add (which undercuts my spin) is that the ~20% failure rate refers is based on a sample set of children who have "sleeping issues", rather than the general populace.
I think that the author is trying to reassure parents that it is okay to sleep train and, to achieve this, the article has a particular spin. I personally found it interesting to reframe it with the opposite spin.
I did check the referenced studies. One item that I'd like to add (which undercuts my spin) is that the ~20% failure rate refers is based on a sample set of children who have "sleeping issues", rather than the general populace.
I think any discussion of parenting methods must start with the disclaimer that every baby is different and all parents are different, because there is rarely a method for any aspect of raising a child that is right for everyone, except maybe the "don't drop the baby" method.
Ultimately, parents have to use their instincts and common sense, and not get too stressed out about whether they are using the "right" method. Methods like those described in the article can be useful tools, but they should not be taken as The One Right Way (tm) to raise a child. I'm finding that we are hard-wired with more parenting wisdom than we give ourselves credit for, so use your inner voice to decide what is best for you and your baby, even if it contradicts the conventional wisdom and/or experts du jour.
Ultimately, parents have to use their instincts and common sense, and not get too stressed out about whether they are using the "right" method. Methods like those described in the article can be useful tools, but they should not be taken as The One Right Way (tm) to raise a child. I'm finding that we are hard-wired with more parenting wisdom than we give ourselves credit for, so use your inner voice to decide what is best for you and your baby, even if it contradicts the conventional wisdom and/or experts du jour.
116
Agree with Alaric, every situation is different — and while these methods definitely work, there are many more factors that have impact on baby's sleep: like the swing of the cradle (horizontal vs natural/vertical), outdoor silence and environment, temperature, overall health etc.
2
Well said. I would only add that, when things get really bad with an infant crying at night, parents should repeatedly remind themselves that their child is unlikely to engage in the behavior when going off to college.
The recommended disclaimer was implicit throughout the article.
1
Forcing a baby to fall asleep alone is a modern invention that caters to "too busy" parents who want to spend the nights as adults. You miss out so much by not cuddling a child to sleep, or having him or her close, feeling safe as they grow up. I'm so glad I gave up on the extinction and cry it out methods. Having a ten-month old cry in his crib while standing up and looking for us for over 30 minutes was unbearable for just one night.
www.philandmama.com