$250,00 is pennies compared to a Bat Mitzvah I worked back in the 90's. Girl arriving at catering hall in a horse drawn carriage pulled by six white horses, 12 foot champagne fountain in the entrance hall, 6 piece chamber music ensemble at reception, 21 piece band at dinner, 26 ft X 14ft screen projecting everything that was happening at the party along with 2 monitors on each table showing the same, 8 foot tall cake that would make a normal wedding cake look small, a freaking chocolate fountain that pretty much mimicked the champagne upon entry, a full DJ set up complete with strobes, fog machine, dancers etc. Party started at 10pm and went till it ended which was around 5 am (I kid you not) whereupon goodie bags with bagels, lox and cream cheese were given to all who were left (and all us workers got them as well. And all guests got a copy of the Sunday NYTimes when they left-it was a Saturday night party. Total cost in 1998 dollars=$440,000.
2
The nature of a wedding celebration is a very personal choice for the couple (and, perhaps, their parents) and it is presumptuous for many of those commenting on this article to assert that they know the one right way and that other people's choices are shameful.
There are, however, some practical considerations that often increase cost. If the couple decide to get married where the bride grew up (and her family still lives) even though it's 2,500 miles from where the groom's family and many of their friends live, there is a temptation to make it a big party, complete with rehearsal dinner the night before and a brunch the morning after for those who fly cross-country to attend. But even in that situation the couple's spending decisions are of little significance to me as a guest; much more important is the opportunity to share in their joyous event.
There are, however, some practical considerations that often increase cost. If the couple decide to get married where the bride grew up (and her family still lives) even though it's 2,500 miles from where the groom's family and many of their friends live, there is a temptation to make it a big party, complete with rehearsal dinner the night before and a brunch the morning after for those who fly cross-country to attend. But even in that situation the couple's spending decisions are of little significance to me as a guest; much more important is the opportunity to share in their joyous event.
2
Charles.. remember... Bar/Bat Mizvahs are forever. Weddings are not..
4
Without looking like a total cheapskate, how much is an appropriate wedding gift at a quarter-million dollar wedding? I usually give a $100 gift card for BB&B.
Seriously.....if you have that much money to spend on a wedding, I hope you make a large donation to a food bank for those who cannot afford a healthy meal for their family.
Seriously.....if you have that much money to spend on a wedding, I hope you make a large donation to a food bank for those who cannot afford a healthy meal for their family.
4
the cost of these weddings is a mere bag of shells compared to cost of some bar mitzvahs .
6
I was recently invited to a wedding where all the guests were asked to pitch in for the food costs. Really? If you can't afford a wedding, even if it's only punch and cookies, don't invite anyone ...
8
Remember the good old days...punch and cookies in the church basement. Oh yes, and the couple stayed married.
13
And cocktail peanuts and mints. Wedding receptions were the only times we had mints in the 1960s.
10
A lot of those couples stayed married miserably, unwilling to incur poverty (the woman) or social opprobrium (both of them) to de-couple themselves. I don't believe that the length of a marriage or the amount of money spent on the wedding indicates how happy the couple are, years later.
12
So many penny pinchers here so sanctimonious about not spending money. You ever think that some people have money and want to spend it? Also plenty of marriages that were performed in someone's backyard ended in divorce. 50% do remember?
11
I am attending two of these weddings this year, and I am actually looking forward to them. I hope to be able to ignore how much was spent and see both events as, at heart, a celebration of a major moment in each couple's lives.
The clothes and decorations should be beautiful according to what I have heard so far, add to that good food, an open bar, and rooms at the hotel where the reception is and it should be a great party.
Envy is a sneaky little devil. He has a tendency to wiggle into every aspect of our lives. He can destroy to quickly and virtually never contributes anything. I try very hard to keep him out of my life. It is hard.
The clothes and decorations should be beautiful according to what I have heard so far, add to that good food, an open bar, and rooms at the hotel where the reception is and it should be a great party.
Envy is a sneaky little devil. He has a tendency to wiggle into every aspect of our lives. He can destroy to quickly and virtually never contributes anything. I try very hard to keep him out of my life. It is hard.
19
I was an older bride lucky enough to have a mother with an open checkbook who was happy to see me getting married "at last". I spent more than I intended on the wedding, but tried to keep it as personal and meaningful as possible and I love throwing a big party. I had 175 guests, am not actually clear about the total cost (I'd say approaching six figures) and it was one of the most memorable days of our lives. Other people tell us it was one of the best weddings they ever attended, mostly because of the personal touches. I don't regret a penny of (mostly my mother's) money, neither does she, and my husband and I are still blissfully happy years later. Everyone should spend their money in whatever way will give them lasting joy.
33
I'm happy for you.
7
Priorities, folks. It's just priorities. What we may or may not choose to enjoy has no relevance on other folks choices. Having attended soiree's which would make my head spin with the costs in the same summer I attended a BYO vegan dish at the local historical society's barn. Interesting, the BYO couple is still married. The big $ couple not.
8
Listen up parents....are you still paying for your adult child's wedding??????
Why???
Why???
19
Our family (4 daughters) believes "commercial" weddings are tacky and in bad taste. We do "homemade" weddings--in churches with which we have personal ties, wedding gowns and attendants' dresses designed by the family matriarch (me), cakes (Hawaiian wedding cake recipe, 10 lbs butter/100 eggs) created in our kitchen, reception at home with furniture moved aside, flowers from our garden, live music by our friends. Guests find this charming, and we don't break the bank.
25
Brava to you and your family, Anne. The whole thing is ridiculous and has gotten so out of hand. One has to wonder just how many of these competitive, big-ticket marriages will, indeed, last?
7
Perfect!
1
Just as the little glass slipper fits only Cinderella, a $250,000 wedding may fit only a certain couple and/or their familes. A wedding is a celebration, a joyful occasion for two people who have found love, partnership and friendship. Be it $250, $2.5k, $25k, $250k or $10MM (yes that does happen) it is money well spent to celebrate a life changing event. If the article's aim is a humorous discussion about the lack of transparency and conversation around money the writer would have better served us readers with a discussion about the cultural/social differences surrounding this topic. Upon moving into our new house our American "Western" friends remarked upon the beauty, warmth and layout of our home. Our "Eastern" (read Chinese) friends, before getting pass the foyer, said "how much was it, over a million ?" and "nice kitchen remodel, $25,000 ?". All are friends I would invite to our wedding again. This is a diversity group of people coming from different cultures, education levels and social-economic backgrounds. I am blessed by their friendship and kinship. I laugh with my friends & family, not at them. They celebrate me, not envy me Celebrations, be it graduations, weddings, births, are occasions to be share with the dear friends and family. Lastly, that $250k wedding in New York or San Francisco or LA takes months of planning and provides roughly 200-300 jobs. To each their own, for better or worst, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
11
All your comment proves is that Asians are embarrassed by different things than people raised in European-based cultures are. Asians also have no difficulty asking one's age, which in our society is taboo. Weddings have become just another a money-grubbing industry. The marketers have convinced "reg'lar folks" that they *need* to go into heavy debt in order to entertain piles of people about whom they don't care, except insofar as they'll give really pricey gifts. That old trope, "It's the best day of a girl's life!" is iffy at best -- if that's a woman's expectation, her married life is gonna be lousy! Since my marriage 22 (not a typo -- twenty-two) years ago, I have had *many* better days. I hope that today will be another one. Oh, and our wedding cost an unspecified amount over $5,000. If it cost over $6,000, I'd be shocked. We saved a pile of money on musicians, as my husband (the nicest man in the universe) and I are both musicians. We therefore paid nominal amounts for a professional organist (who doubled as director of the recorder consort), as well as an equally professional brass choir. Our music selections (not to mention the cake!) were so gorgeous and so well-executed, my parents' friends still use them as benchmarks against which to judge all other wedding-related performances. My parents weren't (and still aren't) poor -- just plain *cheap*. My mother simply didn't care to adjust for inflation. $5,000 was what they paid for my sister's wedding 18 years before.
3
28 people, including us. One maid-of-honor, one best man. My dress, floor length light wool in a cream color, off the rack at Saks. No rehearsal dinner; instead, a party at our apartment for our close friends. Church wedding at St. Luke in the Fields, in Greenwich Village; dinner at a big oval table at a nice local hotel. No orchestra. No open bar. Lots of good red wine, good food.
43 years later: our friends still say it was one of the best weddings they ever
attended. The total cost to my Dad, in today's dollars (i.e., much less in 1973) - including my dress and that of my sister, the maid-of-honor, was about $5,000.
43 years later: our friends still say it was one of the best weddings they ever
attended. The total cost to my Dad, in today's dollars (i.e., much less in 1973) - including my dress and that of my sister, the maid-of-honor, was about $5,000.
16
“First Letem Catchus investment firm"
“Youlpas Country Club”
Those two names alone were worth reading this depressing column. As I was the bride in two weddings that didn’t cost over $200 each. Both in Hawai’i...both on public beaches (All the beaches in the Hawai’ian Islands are public--even in front of Pierce Brosnan’s McMansion.)
Both husbands died tragically. Not going to do it again....
But $250,000??
“Youlpas Country Club”
Those two names alone were worth reading this depressing column. As I was the bride in two weddings that didn’t cost over $200 each. Both in Hawai’i...both on public beaches (All the beaches in the Hawai’ian Islands are public--even in front of Pierce Brosnan’s McMansion.)
Both husbands died tragically. Not going to do it again....
But $250,000??
8
Sadly, many brides and their families (and sometimes grooms) get so caught up in planning "the big day" that they forget that they are getting married for life. As a pastor I have sometimes found myself wanting to remind the bride that this is not just the day we are making the video (making "memories"), but that it is the beginning of a marriage. There are many, many ways to have a much less expensive wedding by using a little imagination and the talents of friends and family.
32
City Hall license $55, two taxis (parents) $28, lunch (paid by father-in-law), about $87, natural foods restaurant. Rings? From under the caps, white seltzer bottles--we are big recyclers.
Money in bank for home purchase down payment--priceless!
Anything else, stupid money, give to a charity. Research has shown that the more the wedding costs the more likely a divorce will be forthcoming soon. Huh.
Money in bank for home purchase down payment--priceless!
Anything else, stupid money, give to a charity. Research has shown that the more the wedding costs the more likely a divorce will be forthcoming soon. Huh.
45
My dream wedding - seriously!
4
This is what we did! Except we took the subway ($2.50 x 5) and lunch was in Chinatown ($50).
6
Never mind the wedding! I want to know how much the other guests paid for their gifts.
24
Why??? Is it any of your business???
1
I told my early twentyish daughter with the serious boyfriend and finishing up college to remain childless a few more years and that I would be happy to pay decent money for any durable asset she cared to name, real estate, automobile etc., but what I would not do, under any circumstances, is to write a large check for something that would last one day and leave all involved with a mild to moderate hangover, I was gratified that she agreed...
60
An automobile is not a durable asset. Unless it's a Ford Model T in mint condition.
3
I'm glad you're back and in top form. Somebody in this world knows how to write something. I've been wondering, lately, what I was missing! --Kirk
30
These high cost weddings are most common in the New York metro region; even middle income families will drop $25,000 to $50,000 for a "minimum' reception. What is it about New York and its environs? The weddings I've attended there blow me away just at the "Cocktail Hour" which will leave one with enough food and booze to set my mind tizzy and my stomach aching. And then - to my surprise - the guests are invited to the actual "dinner"; usually a 5 course indulgence accompanied by an hearing destroying band; and an annoying photographer handing me a mic and begging for a profound, witty, entertaining comment.
Weeks later I'll receive a DVD reliving the entire affair. Are they kidding? Once was enough. New York folks - this is not that common around the nation. Attended a friend's wedding in St. Louis. Reception in the back of a bar; and I had to pay for my drink!
Weeks later I'll receive a DVD reliving the entire affair. Are they kidding? Once was enough. New York folks - this is not that common around the nation. Attended a friend's wedding in St. Louis. Reception in the back of a bar; and I had to pay for my drink!
23
And usually the food is mediocre at best. Tons of food and very little worth eating.
4
It's fine until you get pressured to give a gift that "covers your plate."
21
Try generosity and kindness when GIVING your gift.
1
YAHOO--You Always Have Other Options, skv. Perhaps you are putting the pressure on yourself!
Oh Joyce, you can write about anything and have me laughing out loud!
24
Wow. That was deeply cynical. More bitter than funny.
In keeping with your transparency kick, how much did they pay you to write *that*?
In keeping with your transparency kick, how much did they pay you to write *that*?
29
You can't put a price on Joyce's insightful, witty commentary and the laughter it provokes! Joyce is a treasure!
17
Some of the weddings in India will put this $250,000 wedding to shame. It is insane in India these days.
27
The Washingtonian had an article where these “Indian weddings” here in the USA start at $400,000.
Groom comes in on a white horse--the whole bit.
https://www.washingtonian.com/2015/09/13/how-indian-weddings-in-america-...
Groom comes in on a white horse--the whole bit.
https://www.washingtonian.com/2015/09/13/how-indian-weddings-in-america-...
4
Spending more than $250k is shameful. I think you have your sentence backwards.
2
@john carter
Why is spending so much money “shameful?” Different cultures, different countries, different ways of looking at the world.
I admit that I am quite the socialist...and I have very few material things. But if they have the money? So what? Think of all the people who get jobs as wedding planners, florists, hotels and their staff!
I just read Paul McCartney’s biography. While in London he ordered a pizza from a New York restaurant. Had it delivered via the Concorde! The guy’s got a LOT of money!
F. Scott Fitzgerald said “The rich are different from you and me.”
Senator Sander and I are NOT going to change the folks who summer in the Hamptons. It’s a different culture. Oh let’s tax them some more to pay for infrastructure etc.
My mom always told me that you will only find “fair” in the dictionary. Boy was SHE right!
Why is spending so much money “shameful?” Different cultures, different countries, different ways of looking at the world.
I admit that I am quite the socialist...and I have very few material things. But if they have the money? So what? Think of all the people who get jobs as wedding planners, florists, hotels and their staff!
I just read Paul McCartney’s biography. While in London he ordered a pizza from a New York restaurant. Had it delivered via the Concorde! The guy’s got a LOT of money!
F. Scott Fitzgerald said “The rich are different from you and me.”
Senator Sander and I are NOT going to change the folks who summer in the Hamptons. It’s a different culture. Oh let’s tax them some more to pay for infrastructure etc.
My mom always told me that you will only find “fair” in the dictionary. Boy was SHE right!
3
Get married in your parents home, and only invite immediate family and a few friends. Take the pictures yourself. You'll enjoy it, and your marriage, even more.
65
This reminds me of the wedding that ends that marvel of motion pictures, "The Best Years of Our Lives."
My parents were married for over 55 years, until Dad's death. After going together two years, the War was over. The religious ceremony and the reception were held in the penthouse apartment (formerly a laundry room) of Mom's cousin and her husband at 107th and Broadway. There was Jewish wine, Scotch, and rye, and deli sandwiches, pickles, cole slaw, and potato salad from Tip Toe Inn. Mom's colleague at Burleigh Brooks (the importer of Rollei cameras, then the press mainstay) Frank Rizzati, took Kodachromes with his Contax.
Contrast this with a $400,000 wedding we attended in the middle of January some 20+ years ago, which marriage ended in divorce.
When we got married eight years ago, I made sure we kept the reception minimal, both after the actual wedding in Stamford and then, six months later, for a larger group, at a favorite local restaurant here in Northern New Jersey.
My parents were married for over 55 years, until Dad's death. After going together two years, the War was over. The religious ceremony and the reception were held in the penthouse apartment (formerly a laundry room) of Mom's cousin and her husband at 107th and Broadway. There was Jewish wine, Scotch, and rye, and deli sandwiches, pickles, cole slaw, and potato salad from Tip Toe Inn. Mom's colleague at Burleigh Brooks (the importer of Rollei cameras, then the press mainstay) Frank Rizzati, took Kodachromes with his Contax.
Contrast this with a $400,000 wedding we attended in the middle of January some 20+ years ago, which marriage ended in divorce.
When we got married eight years ago, I made sure we kept the reception minimal, both after the actual wedding in Stamford and then, six months later, for a larger group, at a favorite local restaurant here in Northern New Jersey.
11
That's exactly what we did… and it lasted more than 50 years. I never related to this "gotta have a big fancy, expensive wedding" thing. My wedding band was a 99 cent gold plastic ring from Woolworth's on E. 14th Street in NYC…which I ended up buying myself 'cause it looked like he was never going to buy me one, I still don't get it.
3
"Money is the only taboo subject left. People will tell you what they do in bed before they tell you their salary."
Is this a US only thing or worldwide?
Is this a US only thing or worldwide?
13
Perhaps they should leave both subjects unspoken. Is it really anyone's business how much one earns or how much their wedding cost? They didn't pass the hat or have a cash bar!
Can no one just enjoy something today without turning it into class warfare and the culture of envy?
Can no one just enjoy something today without turning it into class warfare and the culture of envy?
27
Not sure about the rest of the world but in India, the wedding invite tends to mention the bride and groom's educational qualifications and sometimes their job title. And yes, it is not considered strange. And no one shies away from asking the salary details of the groom!
16
But the appearance of the wedding is all about economic class - whether aspirational or actual - and signifying your place . . . The rules, the expectations - everything is laid out.
4