Both of my parents were veterinarians and they were always quick to tell people that had a bad experience with another vet to take whatever reimbursement they could get and move on. As others have noted, pets are treated solely as property under the law in most states, which means even taking the case to small claims court will only result in reimbursement of medical expenses; it would be an extremely rare circumstance where a criminal charge could ever be filed. Veterinary review boards usually only discipline veterinarians in situations of extremely unethical or illegal behavior, such as using/reselling controlled drugs, a pattern of abusing patients or evidence of gross and often unfathomable negligence (like leaving surgical incisions open). Anything that could potentially be an accident, like a drug overdose, probably wouldn't get much response unfortunately. I've never heard of a response from a review board taking two years though. When I told my mother, a practicing vet for over 40 years, she said that you have to be extremely careful with Newfoundlands and St. Bernards. They seem to overheat very quickly when under stress, even to the point of hyperthermia, and they also seem to be more sensitive to drug treatment, and she would always give those breeds a lower dose than indicated for their weight. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved pet and always go to a veterinarian you know and trust.
12
Was the regulatory agency or quality assurance commission aware of the terms of the settlement offer which conditioned restitution on LW foregoing the independent duty the vet and his staff, and the hospital, had to make mandatory reporting of the "incident", with or without LW's complaint? Do such terms of settlement offer violate public policies which are the foundation of laws, regulations, and provisions of uniform codes of professional discipline States adopt?
Health providers familiar with the details are required to report every "incident" involving any one or more actions which cause multiple consequences and describe the consequences. Peer Review sometimes is required. An "incident" triggering reporting occurs where unexpected death occurs while under the care of a licensee and/or a patient (the pet) is confined to hospital. Licensees also have a duty to maintain and provide the regulators with legible, complete, and adequate records of examinations, xrays, diagnoses, and treatments given to a patient when requested to further an investigation and explain lapses and omissions in the records.
The quality assurance commission has no mandate to decide misfeasance or negligence, including whether death was the proximate cause of a licensee's acts, or to determine restitution or damages even if negligence is present. I wonder whether the salient terms of the settlement itself would form the basis of an independent complaint to regulator? Ask the lawyer.
Health providers familiar with the details are required to report every "incident" involving any one or more actions which cause multiple consequences and describe the consequences. Peer Review sometimes is required. An "incident" triggering reporting occurs where unexpected death occurs while under the care of a licensee and/or a patient (the pet) is confined to hospital. Licensees also have a duty to maintain and provide the regulators with legible, complete, and adequate records of examinations, xrays, diagnoses, and treatments given to a patient when requested to further an investigation and explain lapses and omissions in the records.
The quality assurance commission has no mandate to decide misfeasance or negligence, including whether death was the proximate cause of a licensee's acts, or to determine restitution or damages even if negligence is present. I wonder whether the salient terms of the settlement itself would form the basis of an independent complaint to regulator? Ask the lawyer.
3
It's been know for at least 2 decades that Newfoundlands are sensitive to certain anesthesias and a vet should be very careful to avoid overdosing. Anyway, very sad story. We lost our cat to negligence and lies on the part of the vet who neutered him. We settled for the reimbursement being donated to another vet's office to care for strays.
12
"Apologies express regret; they don't always accept guilt"
Codswollop. An apology by definition is an admission of wrongdoing. That is why the word "regret" is always used as a bolt hole by corporations and governments wanting to avoid legal liability. I am not commenting on the particular case being reported here; my point is about semantics and the credibility of the adviser. Someone who reduces apologies to expressions of "regret" has no business offering advice, especially in matters of the heart.
Codswollop. An apology by definition is an admission of wrongdoing. That is why the word "regret" is always used as a bolt hole by corporations and governments wanting to avoid legal liability. I am not commenting on the particular case being reported here; my point is about semantics and the credibility of the adviser. Someone who reduces apologies to expressions of "regret" has no business offering advice, especially in matters of the heart.
5
And 'codswollop' is now my favorite, er, ejaculation.
3
Can somebody please help me understand the scenario in question #1? Is the writer a gay man falling for a woman, or is she a straight woman entering a lesbian affair? Why is this question completely irrelevant to the answer?
13
Because it IS irrelevant.
4
You sure ask a lot questions, Mr. Feder!
She should be ashamed of herself. I'd say the same if he had done the same to her.
2
And she would have as well.
I've been in the position of the first letter writer' s boyfriend. We could "see other people" while we were both on tour. He fell in love. It hurts, it REALLY hurt, but not as much as it would have if I hadn't known until we saw each other again.
You have to let him know so that he doesn't walk into your reunion blind.
You have to let him know so that he doesn't walk into your reunion blind.
12
Put your experiences online only after having had it reviewed by your attorney.
You could be opening up a can of worms where only the lawyers win.
Small claims court, or the threat of such actions, might get your money back.
You could be opening up a can of worms where only the lawyers win.
Small claims court, or the threat of such actions, might get your money back.
3
Telling the boyfriend the truth amounts to a breach of contract. Whatever love means at this stage of life, both partners willingly entered into a non-disclosure agreement. To tell all to the boyfriend may satisfy Name Withheld's guilt complex, but it will break the contract and prevent the boyfriend from "fully" enjoying his study-abroad semester as he was promised. Name Withheld would be selfish and self-centered to share the information at this point. Uphold your end of the bargain. Don't disclose anything until you're both done with study-abroad and back home. At that point, go ahead and tell the whole story.
7
name withheld #1 - for god's sake don't write him a letter or send it on FB or email. find the best call service location you can and just tell him. if you truly loved him and he loved you it will be OK...... besides? he's likely to be having the exact same problem!
name withheld #2 - very sad. it sounds as though the clinic that killed your dog was part of a chain with an owner and vets as employees or perhaps co-owners. i would never take our animals to one of these chain clinics. lesson learned i guess. give it up and move on..... there are plenty of dogs out there looking for a loving home.
name withheld #2 - very sad. it sounds as though the clinic that killed your dog was part of a chain with an owner and vets as employees or perhaps co-owners. i would never take our animals to one of these chain clinics. lesson learned i guess. give it up and move on..... there are plenty of dogs out there looking for a loving home.
2
Why wouldn't you?
To the young woman: Feelings get hurt, people either move on or they work to keep their relationships going - that is unless one or both of the partners are dysfunctional and start doing dangerous or stupid things. As long as you are both fairly normal, trust that you will both handle the news OK as he will most likely have news for you as well. Dear John letters are stupid in an era of instant communication - be honest and you may find that either the relationship was meant to be, or not to be. Relationships need to be handled like an egg - handle them carefully and if they're meant to hatch, they will if you keep them at room temperature and reasonably stable. Each egg can withstand a cold breeze every so often, so don't keep sitting on it and smother it to death while you think you are playing it safe.
6
It seems that your biggest problem is Guilt in living with your own emotions. Which BTW don't always mesh with intangibles like "temporary contracts". Times change, things change, you will change. Enjoy your new affair and keep it quiet until such time as you can ascertain what will happen at the end of six months. Telling him then, if in fact things have changed, will not make any difference to your preconception of "ruining his life". You won't. He may be "hurt", but that's the way it ga-ga-goes. After all "IF" the middle word in Life.
These vets, among many, are a despicable and abusive rip-off entity who prey on the vulnerability of people's emotions. I say this from a half dozen similar experiences. Get a smart vicious lawyer, others who have been abused, and sue them for everything they have got.
These vets, among many, are a despicable and abusive rip-off entity who prey on the vulnerability of people's emotions. I say this from a half dozen similar experiences. Get a smart vicious lawyer, others who have been abused, and sue them for everything they have got.
9
Or better yet, get a good veterinarian. You can start by making sure your vet hospital is accredited by AAHA (American Animal Hospital Association). Only those hospitals must adhere to rigorous standards. Others are free to cut corners without the knowledge of the general public.
All those poor anxious boyfriends in far away places who stumble onto this column not knowing if it is about them. Or maybe secretly hoping it is.
23
Nah, they're probably getting it on, too.
4
The new Ethicist (still new to me) must be getting stupid questions, if these are the most complicated three received.
The boyfriend: First, if this couple has been together for "several years" and the two of them are juniors in college, they are way too young for the serious relationship the letter describes. Second, for a couple to agree to an open relationship when they are so far away from each other is tantamount to breaking up. Third, if the letter's author can fall in love with someone else so easily, it means that the long-term relationship is probably past saving anyway. Falling in love is not involuntary, as the Ethicist would have it; one has to be open to the possibility for it to happen. One is only open to the possibility if one is no longer committed to the long-term relationship at home.
Second, the fund-raiser. I am not sure I even understand the question. I think I would tell the author of the letter to get a life. One donates to a school in order to help the children, not as a sop to one's ego.
Third, the very sad case of the dog. The letter is unclear as to whether the dog's owners in fact got an independent autopsy or whether the hospital refused to allow it, or what. It also highlights the disadvantages of going to court and of having a profession govern itself (as is the case with lawyers, whose governing bodies have built in conflicts of interest). I do sympathize with the owners, though; what a horrible result.
The boyfriend: First, if this couple has been together for "several years" and the two of them are juniors in college, they are way too young for the serious relationship the letter describes. Second, for a couple to agree to an open relationship when they are so far away from each other is tantamount to breaking up. Third, if the letter's author can fall in love with someone else so easily, it means that the long-term relationship is probably past saving anyway. Falling in love is not involuntary, as the Ethicist would have it; one has to be open to the possibility for it to happen. One is only open to the possibility if one is no longer committed to the long-term relationship at home.
Second, the fund-raiser. I am not sure I even understand the question. I think I would tell the author of the letter to get a life. One donates to a school in order to help the children, not as a sop to one's ego.
Third, the very sad case of the dog. The letter is unclear as to whether the dog's owners in fact got an independent autopsy or whether the hospital refused to allow it, or what. It also highlights the disadvantages of going to court and of having a profession govern itself (as is the case with lawyers, whose governing bodies have built in conflicts of interest). I do sympathize with the owners, though; what a horrible result.
27
" animal hospital performed the autopsy"
1
As an owner of a veterinary hospital, I can assure you that, at least in Michigan, you can make a report to the state Board of Veterinary Medicine or at least the Veterinary Medical Association in your state. A veterinarians license can e suspended or revoked for cases like this.
3
#1 - I don't understand what the issue is. They agreed to see other people; no one has betrayed anyone. Obviously, it has proven more complicated emotionally than they thought, but that's not an ethical issue.
#2 - I don't understand this one either ... I have no idea what the letter writer thinks the school has done wrong. It sounds like ordinary fundraising to me.
#3 - I'm outraged on the letter writer's behalf ... condolences for your loss, and don't give up - I'd be picketing outside their office with signs. Other pet owners need to be forewarned to avoid this "hospital." Their behavior was appalling and devious on every level and they deserve to go out of business. Wishing you peace in grieving your beloved dog ...
#2 - I don't understand this one either ... I have no idea what the letter writer thinks the school has done wrong. It sounds like ordinary fundraising to me.
#3 - I'm outraged on the letter writer's behalf ... condolences for your loss, and don't give up - I'd be picketing outside their office with signs. Other pet owners need to be forewarned to avoid this "hospital." Their behavior was appalling and devious on every level and they deserve to go out of business. Wishing you peace in grieving your beloved dog ...
3
Prof. Appiah,
I appreciate your work, having read your book The Honor Code, but answering people’s questions about ethics is a whole other matter than the solitary experience of researching and writing for unidentifiable individuals. I have been struck numerous times upon reading your responses in the NYT Magazine that while you offer knowledge about ethics, you hold back on offering any compassion for those who have contacted you— people who, very often, are writing about intensely emotional issues.
Take, for example, the letter written by the woman who lost her dog after he was apparently unintentionally euthanized. The description of the incident was simply heart-breaking, and she stated just how difficult this time was for her and her husband. While reading your response, I was expecting some offering of compassion, even a half-sentence expressing your condolences or sorrow for what they went through. But there was none of that, just a professorial, matter-of-fact explanation that seemed to succinctly answer the question she was asking.
I don’t ask you to have a heart because you’re an expert on ethics, but because you’re a human being. If you were to express some compassion when you feel it is warranted, you would probably offer people who are hurting some comfort, as well as useful information.
Is that not an ethical way to communicate?
Janet Heimlich
Austin, Texas
I appreciate your work, having read your book The Honor Code, but answering people’s questions about ethics is a whole other matter than the solitary experience of researching and writing for unidentifiable individuals. I have been struck numerous times upon reading your responses in the NYT Magazine that while you offer knowledge about ethics, you hold back on offering any compassion for those who have contacted you— people who, very often, are writing about intensely emotional issues.
Take, for example, the letter written by the woman who lost her dog after he was apparently unintentionally euthanized. The description of the incident was simply heart-breaking, and she stated just how difficult this time was for her and her husband. While reading your response, I was expecting some offering of compassion, even a half-sentence expressing your condolences or sorrow for what they went through. But there was none of that, just a professorial, matter-of-fact explanation that seemed to succinctly answer the question she was asking.
I don’t ask you to have a heart because you’re an expert on ethics, but because you’re a human being. If you were to express some compassion when you feel it is warranted, you would probably offer people who are hurting some comfort, as well as useful information.
Is that not an ethical way to communicate?
Janet Heimlich
Austin, Texas
4
The story about the dog is simply heartbreaking. I am a pet owner and I would never want to hand my pets over to an animal hospital like that. I hope that the writer lets others knows so the same painful thing does not happen again.
2
I think that Name Withheld should consider the possibility of keeping the relationship open. You can have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time, with a lot of communication. NW says he or she loves the existing boyfriend AND is falling in love with the woman met on the study-abroad program. I say go for both.
2
Regarding LW1, who fell in love while travelling abroad:
The letter writer most likely will return home at the end of her visa. The alternative is to drop out of school and possibly become an illegal immigrant in whatever country she is in.
In many countries, marrying a citizen does not confer legal residency. Even in the U.S., the immigration authorities can examine what they suspect to be a sham marriage, with ugly consequences of they decide that it is.
Also consider that the new love object may be looking precisely for a short-term fling with someone who is obligated to leave.
'We'll always have Paris.'
The letter writer most likely will return home at the end of her visa. The alternative is to drop out of school and possibly become an illegal immigrant in whatever country she is in.
In many countries, marrying a citizen does not confer legal residency. Even in the U.S., the immigration authorities can examine what they suspect to be a sham marriage, with ugly consequences of they decide that it is.
Also consider that the new love object may be looking precisely for a short-term fling with someone who is obligated to leave.
'We'll always have Paris.'
3
On the long-distance romance question, it is relevant that A) the writer is a student, so probably young, and B) the writer has fallen for a woman although he seemed to be previously gay. Since the writer is not violating the agreement by having a relationship, he should explore the relationship fully to see if it is indeed a deep connection, without worrying too much about the boyfriend. It isn't good to be tied down too young, before you have a chance to find out who you really are. And if you aren't yet completely sure of your sexual orientation, it's important to explore different options there also. Commitment is great and it should be the end goal of dating, but it is the end goal; the dating process itself should involve enough experimentation to ensure that a person's eventual final choice is the right one.
1
On the Newfoundland. My late sister went through something very similar, and her beloved pet died as she herself was dying. It was a catastrophe in every way. In spite of her illness she tried to pursue the malpractice issue and also ran into an apparently incompetent or corrupt review board. I think this must be common, and I suspect that this is likely because in her state (and perhaps in others?) the pet is considered not as a living being with rights but only as property, and the fear of the malpracticing vet starts and ends with financial damage. I realize that monetary rewards and damages incentivize a great deal of legal activity involving human animals as well, but the fact that the truly beloved companion of many years is *only* property is a source of a great deal of misbehavior and lack of appropriate regulation. I, too, once wanted to know what caused the sudden death of a pet, and authorized an autopsy. The only information I got was "she died of an infection", and the body had been cremated before I even got the report. I am still tormented at the thought of such handling of my loved companion's body. Knowing what I do now, I would never again authorize an autopsy unless the legal situation improved.
Dear "Name Withheld,"
You state that you and your boyfriend "wanted to fully enjoy our respective experiences and take the opportunity to explore being with other people."
If your definition of "fully enjoying an experience" [in a foreign country] and "exploring being with other people" [including female friends] is having sex with them then I utterly fail to understand your question. When you are with your boyfriend do you no longer wish to "enjoy experiences" and "explore being with other people"? Why would you stop having sex with other people when you're home?
People who "love each other very much" do not agree that it would be 'best to temporarily open" their relationship so they can have more fun on their trips. Loving relationships are not like sweaters that you take off and on at will. It's also unfortunate that you do not understand that women can have close, emotionally deep, lifelong friendships that don't involve sex. I have female friends that I've known since college that I "love" as much as I love my husband, but I don't have to choose between them. Not everything is about sex.
You state that you and your boyfriend "wanted to fully enjoy our respective experiences and take the opportunity to explore being with other people."
If your definition of "fully enjoying an experience" [in a foreign country] and "exploring being with other people" [including female friends] is having sex with them then I utterly fail to understand your question. When you are with your boyfriend do you no longer wish to "enjoy experiences" and "explore being with other people"? Why would you stop having sex with other people when you're home?
People who "love each other very much" do not agree that it would be 'best to temporarily open" their relationship so they can have more fun on their trips. Loving relationships are not like sweaters that you take off and on at will. It's also unfortunate that you do not understand that women can have close, emotionally deep, lifelong friendships that don't involve sex. I have female friends that I've known since college that I "love" as much as I love my husband, but I don't have to choose between them. Not everything is about sex.
13
To the young woman in the "temporarily open" relationship.
Seems to me that neither of you thought this arrangement through or you would not have made assumptions , which are famously unreliable, much less implicit ones. You don't mention how far along you are in the 6 month separation or whether your new love interest is from another country in which case the relationship may come to an end. Clearly you are in a stage of discovering your romantic and sexual preferences. As there are uncertainties perhaps wait until the situation is more settled before communicating with your boy friend. I feel for complex issues such as these talking face to face is a better option. Is there a possibility that unbeknownst to you he has also "fallen" for someone?
Seems to me that neither of you thought this arrangement through or you would not have made assumptions , which are famously unreliable, much less implicit ones. You don't mention how far along you are in the 6 month separation or whether your new love interest is from another country in which case the relationship may come to an end. Clearly you are in a stage of discovering your romantic and sexual preferences. As there are uncertainties perhaps wait until the situation is more settled before communicating with your boy friend. I feel for complex issues such as these talking face to face is a better option. Is there a possibility that unbeknownst to you he has also "fallen" for someone?
4
Am I the only one who is confused here? Start with "...my boyfriend..." and end with "...falling for a woman...". I think there are more important matters that need sorting than some simplistic "ethical" answer.
12
I was with you in your confusion, Richard, until I realized that The Ethicist and his cohorts at the NYT are simply beating that dead horse that the Times seems to believe will render it profitable again: that gender is an archaic notion. (Interestingly, from the comments I have read so far, those assigning a gender seem to think the writer is a woman.) I predict that the Times will fade away at the same time as those of its readers for whom gender remains a relevant attribute, despite its best efforts to remain oh so very kewl.
Excellent point!
Yup, you're the only one confused that a college age woman would have a relationship with another woman.
1
Who pays $3500 up front for an ear infection and an over night stay to a new vet... this narrative is questionable at best.
23
Indeed. Most vet practices want payment on completion of a procedure or hospital stay, but not upfront. I can imagine that the owners were very concerned and probably just pulled out their credit card not thinking about this.
We had a kitten who died while being neutered and we both still remember the phone call....and probably always will. We never got a sufficient explanation as to whether it was pure negligence or if the animal might have had been compromised in a way that didn't allow him to clear the anesthesia....
And not to nitpick, but the generally accepted term for a post mortem on an animal is necropsy, not autopsy.
We had a kitten who died while being neutered and we both still remember the phone call....and probably always will. We never got a sufficient explanation as to whether it was pure negligence or if the animal might have had been compromised in a way that didn't allow him to clear the anesthesia....
And not to nitpick, but the generally accepted term for a post mortem on an animal is necropsy, not autopsy.
2
The rule was not to tell each other until they returned, so why break it? "I might be falling in love" is bull; there is no way to tell for sure until the relationship continues, for those six months and possibly more.
This advice is coming from someone whose spouse moved in after our second date, less than a week after we met. Were we in love at that time? Maybe. Were we committed? Sort of, we slept in the same bed every night, sex or not. But it took us months, even with living together, to feel like we were truly in love. Not to say we wanted things to be open, but the process needs time.
Give your boyfriend a break, and give your new friend a break. Let things happen as they may. An open relationship has risks, and you are jumping to conclusions that not only are you engaging in "risky behavior" but you've signed, sealed, and delivered your long-term relationship with this woman. Stop it. And then tell him when you get back, if you find out your fling was truly not a fling.
The only tricky part might be the sexuality change (I cannot tell if it is from straight to gay or gay to straight). In reality, this is immaterial. A gay fling and return to your boyfriend to be "straight forever" is just as valid as a straight fling and a return to your boyfriend. And vice versa. I don't think the implication of "perhaps I'm really gay/straight" is necessary at this time.
Then again, the semester's over, so... what did happen!
This advice is coming from someone whose spouse moved in after our second date, less than a week after we met. Were we in love at that time? Maybe. Were we committed? Sort of, we slept in the same bed every night, sex or not. But it took us months, even with living together, to feel like we were truly in love. Not to say we wanted things to be open, but the process needs time.
Give your boyfriend a break, and give your new friend a break. Let things happen as they may. An open relationship has risks, and you are jumping to conclusions that not only are you engaging in "risky behavior" but you've signed, sealed, and delivered your long-term relationship with this woman. Stop it. And then tell him when you get back, if you find out your fling was truly not a fling.
The only tricky part might be the sexuality change (I cannot tell if it is from straight to gay or gay to straight). In reality, this is immaterial. A gay fling and return to your boyfriend to be "straight forever" is just as valid as a straight fling and a return to your boyfriend. And vice versa. I don't think the implication of "perhaps I'm really gay/straight" is necessary at this time.
Then again, the semester's over, so... what did happen!
5
Bisexuality exists.
9
Name Withheld:
You are not engaged nor married. You need not tell him anything other than you think both of you should be seeing other people. Since your relationship is long distance, there's a good chance he is already.
You are not engaged nor married. You need not tell him anything other than you think both of you should be seeing other people. Since your relationship is long distance, there's a good chance he is already.
10
We have had similar vet hospital problems in Portland, OR. If my dear dog had to go to a different vet I would insist that I stay there with him overnight and document everything that was done asking as many questions as came to my mind. What the owner described is heartbreaking and I know people who have had a similar situation with their dog.
1
Pet owners: you have my deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved dog. This is a horrifying story. You have already been through Hell on so many levels.
You may be emotionally and psychologically exhausted - I can only imagine. But if at all possible you must pursue this online, in social media, and through the courts. This vet must loose his license and his "hospital" must be censured at the least - preferably closed down. They killed your dog through malpractice, then lied, destroyed files, on and on. The lawyer and review board were both useless disinterested parties.
I strongly suggest you contact the Office of the president of the ASPCA Wayne Purcelle and ask for guidanc and, at the least the name of a lawyer who will vigorously represent you - and probably pro bono. This vet and all those like him must be held responsible and accountable. Do not give up!
You may be emotionally and psychologically exhausted - I can only imagine. But if at all possible you must pursue this online, in social media, and through the courts. This vet must loose his license and his "hospital" must be censured at the least - preferably closed down. They killed your dog through malpractice, then lied, destroyed files, on and on. The lawyer and review board were both useless disinterested parties.
I strongly suggest you contact the Office of the president of the ASPCA Wayne Purcelle and ask for guidanc and, at the least the name of a lawyer who will vigorously represent you - and probably pro bono. This vet and all those like him must be held responsible and accountable. Do not give up!
3
If a couple decides they may both explore other relationships, that would be a good indication that they do not feel an intense commitment to each other. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if you are having relationships with people, feelings may develop. It's very possible the writers boyfriend has also started developing feelings for one of his new partners. The writer should just be honest with his partner either by letter or over the phone so both may move on.
The dog owner should contact the vet, and inform him he is very lucky that they review board is filled with industry people who have an interest in thwarting lawsuits. Tell him you feel it would be the right thing to do to reimburse you. If he refuses, I would put a strong effort into posting reviews, a video telling your story, and I might even spend a few days distributing informational leaflets in front of his office that describe what happened to your dog, as allowed by law. This may give you some small feeling of justice for the horrendous treatment your dog received. My sympathies.
The dog owner should contact the vet, and inform him he is very lucky that they review board is filled with industry people who have an interest in thwarting lawsuits. Tell him you feel it would be the right thing to do to reimburse you. If he refuses, I would put a strong effort into posting reviews, a video telling your story, and I might even spend a few days distributing informational leaflets in front of his office that describe what happened to your dog, as allowed by law. This may give you some small feeling of justice for the horrendous treatment your dog received. My sympathies.
3
Regarding the first question....I spent a year abroad and came home a completely different person. I lost interest in former friends and former activities. It was all for the best. My advice to the writer who is younger than I was is to follow her heart and enjoy the new love as part of the "study abroad experience" I would, however not tell the old boyfriend, since, you are young, you apparently fall in love easily and when you get back home who knows what you'll want? Is the new love in a place where you will continue to see her? Once back you may appreciate your old boyfriend in a new way or you may decide that that love wasn't all that strong.
Since you made the original commitment to have flings but not to tell about them until you return home, I would stick to that. Since you seem to fall in love easily, which is not unusual for a 19 year old, I wouldn't do anything that might damage the old relationship until you get back. Let the dust settle and see where you're at then. And he may be having some flings of his own and may not be as hurt by your admission as you might like to think.
Also it's easy to fall in love but deciding to build a life together is an entirely different thing. Do you think that the new girlfriend is someone you want to do that with? Is it worth giving up the old boyfriend with whom you apparently were compatible for several years? These are things you should think about.
Since you made the original commitment to have flings but not to tell about them until you return home, I would stick to that. Since you seem to fall in love easily, which is not unusual for a 19 year old, I wouldn't do anything that might damage the old relationship until you get back. Let the dust settle and see where you're at then. And he may be having some flings of his own and may not be as hurt by your admission as you might like to think.
Also it's easy to fall in love but deciding to build a life together is an entirely different thing. Do you think that the new girlfriend is someone you want to do that with? Is it worth giving up the old boyfriend with whom you apparently were compatible for several years? These are things you should think about.
24
I doubt the owners are being truthful about the circumstances surrounding the dog' death. Hospitalizing a dog for an ear infection isn't standard nor is a many thousand dollar bill to treat an ear infection. Cremation of remains without the permission of the owner would most definitely result in board action. Since there was no violation I simply don't believe that happened.
State veterinary boards are consumer protection agencies and not friends of veterinarians. If they found no violation I would believe the board findings.
If you chose to take it online then you had best be very truthful or risk a defamation suit. Personally, I think it is time for you to move on. Neither the legal system nor the state board found a problem. Regardless of what your regular veterinarian thinks- there is more than one way to treat most problems.
State veterinary boards are consumer protection agencies and not friends of veterinarians. If they found no violation I would believe the board findings.
If you chose to take it online then you had best be very truthful or risk a defamation suit. Personally, I think it is time for you to move on. Neither the legal system nor the state board found a problem. Regardless of what your regular veterinarian thinks- there is more than one way to treat most problems.
8
You're most likely correct about the vet situation. We hear a lot of convoluted versions of things like this. No one hospitalizes a pet for an ear infection. Or sedates them.
7
The Ethicist is such a romantic! Affairs just happen, being in love is like the force of gravity, something we fall into uncontrollably. The writer and the distant boyfriend were very much in love for several years but decided to open their relationship while studying abroad for six months? They should have known what was going to happen when they hoped for the opportunity to be with other people. Even odds the boyfriend is actively exploring his opportunities, too, and might be contemplating ending the relationship himself.
It is not unethical to end a relationship. To remain in a relationship under false pretenses, without feeling or only warm feelings of friendship or fondness, out of a legalistic sense of commitment seems unfair to the other person. The writer doesn't want to hurt the boyfriend. That's nice, but the writer also doesn't want to feel like a bad person for dumping him. Unless he is enjoying his flings and is ready to move on too, it will hurt him. It hurts to be dumped, but he will get over it. I can't work up too much sympathy for either party since they knew what they were getting into.
It is not unethical to end a relationship. To remain in a relationship under false pretenses, without feeling or only warm feelings of friendship or fondness, out of a legalistic sense of commitment seems unfair to the other person. The writer doesn't want to hurt the boyfriend. That's nice, but the writer also doesn't want to feel like a bad person for dumping him. Unless he is enjoying his flings and is ready to move on too, it will hurt him. It hurts to be dumped, but he will get over it. I can't work up too much sympathy for either party since they knew what they were getting into.
28
I think your answer was far better than the Ethicist's.
2
The question from the private school parent was an excellent one. Perhaps I can shed some light here. I have been a parent volunteer in development many times for over 15 years.
There are grants available to schools that strongly consider the participation rate in capital campaigns, otherwise known as annual giving funds. This participation rate is a good measure of the strength of the school and especially the engagement of the administration, teachers and parents.
Funds or goods donated to bake sales and other fundraisers are very important. However, don't think of where the money is deposited, but where it comes from when thinking of the participation rate--and why this can help your school. Don't hesitate to give even a few dollars--really--to your school's capital campaign.
There are grants available to schools that strongly consider the participation rate in capital campaigns, otherwise known as annual giving funds. This participation rate is a good measure of the strength of the school and especially the engagement of the administration, teachers and parents.
Funds or goods donated to bake sales and other fundraisers are very important. However, don't think of where the money is deposited, but where it comes from when thinking of the participation rate--and why this can help your school. Don't hesitate to give even a few dollars--really--to your school's capital campaign.
14
The former board member may not have articulated the school's fundraising very accurately. An Annual Fund is a very specific type of campaign (distinct from other forms of giving such as capital gifts, endowment gifts, auxiliary fundraising like the parents association events, planned giving or bequests, alumni giving, corporate or matching gifts, grants, etc). Annual Fund participation rates absolutely matter to things like matching gifts or grant proposals. A good development office must track all of these very separately, even if "they all benefit the children."
Auxiliary fundraising by a parents association does not count as Annual Giving for many reasons, eg, the association might or might not make a profit on a certain event, might vote to designate the funds for some other specific purpose than the Annual operating budget, and the amount "contributed" by an individual may not be wholly realized (eg, dinner tickets if which only a fraction is the actual contribution). A good development office should communicate so that parents understand the difference and know how to apportion their support. If participation is the goal, it should encourage all parents to give to the Annual fund, even if only a modest dollar, alongside any other choice they make in supporting events and drives at the school.
Auxiliary fundraising by a parents association does not count as Annual Giving for many reasons, eg, the association might or might not make a profit on a certain event, might vote to designate the funds for some other specific purpose than the Annual operating budget, and the amount "contributed" by an individual may not be wholly realized (eg, dinner tickets if which only a fraction is the actual contribution). A good development office should communicate so that parents understand the difference and know how to apportion their support. If participation is the goal, it should encourage all parents to give to the Annual fund, even if only a modest dollar, alongside any other choice they make in supporting events and drives at the school.
14
Oops. I missed the picture. So I guess, right the first time.
On the other hand, guys also wear pony tails. Flats? I'm at a loss on that one.
On the other hand, guys also wear pony tails. Flats? I'm at a loss on that one.
1
In the first case, I'm puzzled by the advice given to this young person.
Did the ethicist fail to read what she wrote?
"We decided to study abroad...before we left, we agreed that it would be best to temporarily open our relationship. We wanted to fully enjoy our respective experiences & take the opportunity to explore being with other people. We decided that we would not discuss our flings with each other, at least until we returned".
I think it would be premature at this point to say anything to the original boyfriend.
1) These were the terms of their arrangement, to use the time to explore relationships with other people. So she is not doing anything wrong.
2) This may very well be a fling of no lasting consequence.
3) The boyfriend deserves to be told in person when she returns if she decides to not continue in a relationship with him. That way they can discuss it. Too many things can be misinterpreted over the phone or via Skype.
What she may want to do is to mention the new friend when she talks to him, without elaborating on her emotional or romantic feelings towards this woman. That may 'lay the path' for their future discussions when she returns & help him to understand.
These two individuals are likely only 20 years old. It's way too early to be locked into a lifelong relationship. I think exploring other relationships while apart was the right thing to do.
Any idea how many friends, acquaintances of mine are divorced because they committed too young?
Did the ethicist fail to read what she wrote?
"We decided to study abroad...before we left, we agreed that it would be best to temporarily open our relationship. We wanted to fully enjoy our respective experiences & take the opportunity to explore being with other people. We decided that we would not discuss our flings with each other, at least until we returned".
I think it would be premature at this point to say anything to the original boyfriend.
1) These were the terms of their arrangement, to use the time to explore relationships with other people. So she is not doing anything wrong.
2) This may very well be a fling of no lasting consequence.
3) The boyfriend deserves to be told in person when she returns if she decides to not continue in a relationship with him. That way they can discuss it. Too many things can be misinterpreted over the phone or via Skype.
What she may want to do is to mention the new friend when she talks to him, without elaborating on her emotional or romantic feelings towards this woman. That may 'lay the path' for their future discussions when she returns & help him to understand.
These two individuals are likely only 20 years old. It's way too early to be locked into a lifelong relationship. I think exploring other relationships while apart was the right thing to do.
Any idea how many friends, acquaintances of mine are divorced because they committed too young?
78
To the woman who is falling in love. Not only should you tell your boyfriend, you should send him videos.
5
And if the LW is a man? Should he send videos? Does the woman he or she is falling in love with get a say at all?
6
It's probably too late, but the veterinary board's decision was probably an administrative decision that was appealable to a Court, for review. It might still be possible to directly sue the vet (not an administrative process but a law suit in the Court of general jurisdiction) for reimbursement and maybe other damages, but the time period for suing the vet probably depends on the statute of limitations for contracts, depending on the State where the misdoing took place. Contract statutes of limitations are commonly 4 or 6 years, but vary from State to State. So, additional legal recourse is not ruled out; and the LW might still be able to recoup the money. On the ethical question, I don't think there's any ethical obligation to acquaint the world with this vet's supposed wrongdoing. I think the LW needs to tread carefully in publicizing the incident, and to be careful to express this as a personal opinion, not as fact. At this point, having been through the review process, the LW's position has not been supported by the law or the facts as seen by the reviewer, so LW might get into a snarlly mess for defaming the vet. I don't understand what the vet's explanation was, what the dog's diagnosis was, or anything definite. The lack of concrete facts in the letter makes me think the LW is experiencing grief and guilt, and might be better off with a therapist than a lawyer. It's so hard to lose a member of the family!
18
Pet owners, the system has failed you. If a civil complaint failed, can you file a criminal complaint? Either way, I would let others know what happened without incurring further costs.
27
Yelp and Angie's List have become most effective and are so easily reviewed when one is seeking to establish the effectiveness and competence of a new provider.
1
@Mon: By "civil complaint," I'm guessing you mean the complaint to the veterinary board? That doesn't take the place of a civil lawsuit, which they might be able to file if the statute of limitations in their state hasn't passed. They cannot "file a criminal complaint." Only prosecutors can do so - they charge a crime on behalf of the state. (You can see that in the titles of criminal cases - instead of Smith v. Jones, for instance, they are US v. Smith or NY v. Smith.) It's also not at all clear that any kind of crime has been committed.
1
Besides the obvious problems most people are bound to have by opening up their relationships, there is the fact that when you are studying abroad the romance and experience of being in another culture often overwhelms and impacts your every day experiences.
Then when you get home and return to your normal life you need to live with the consequences of any decisions made over there, many which be unlike decisions you would normally make. Is it possible this is genuine love? Sure. But ask anyone to look back on their relationships had while studying abroad and most people will just laugh and smile while understanding full well that a long term commitment was not really in the cards for that situation.
Be careful out there and think long and hard about what you may be throwing away for something that is probably just momentarily exciting. (That moment can be months!)
Then when you get home and return to your normal life you need to live with the consequences of any decisions made over there, many which be unlike decisions you would normally make. Is it possible this is genuine love? Sure. But ask anyone to look back on their relationships had while studying abroad and most people will just laugh and smile while understanding full well that a long term commitment was not really in the cards for that situation.
Be careful out there and think long and hard about what you may be throwing away for something that is probably just momentarily exciting. (That moment can be months!)
42
A person who has been going with a boyfriend for,'several years' is now getting involved with a girlfriend. Whether the writer is a man or a woman, this represents much more than a bit of a fling.
It is definitely time for a chat.
That whole thing about bad internet connections is a cheap excuse, and unless the writer is at the South Pole, there is internet available when one has the right motivation. This whole thing sounds like it was written by a college student with a rich fantasy life.
It is definitely time for a chat.
That whole thing about bad internet connections is a cheap excuse, and unless the writer is at the South Pole, there is internet available when one has the right motivation. This whole thing sounds like it was written by a college student with a rich fantasy life.
48
The LW didn't mention that, in addition to breaking up with their boyfriend, they would also be coming out to him, so I think we can surmise the boyfriend knows the LW is either bisexual or pansexual already?
1
Re first Name Withheld (NW).
The Ethicist proposes a Dear John letter. Below, such a letter, which NW can send to the now former boyfriend. The letter assumes NW is female, although we don’t really know. NW could be male.
Dear Boyfriend:
Hi again from this side of the globe. Studying hard. Found a great new restaurant. Still loving the climate. Bought new birkenstocks which my feet adore. Everything else good.
By the way, I am gay. Actually, it may be only half-gay, bisexual I think they call it, I’m not sure since this is new to me and I still may be capable of attraction to men. I’m not talking hypothetically gay. I have real feelings for a woman in my study abroad program, actually I’ve fallen in love with her. I’m certain if you got to know her, you would think very highly of her (don’t read this as an invitation to a threesome).
If this offends you [the default preface to an apology], I apologize. We’re only 21, college juniors. Now that you know that I am not coming back to you, you can mourn and move on. I thought to wait until I saw you again to fill you in on the news because I didn’t want to disturb your semester, but then realized that was only an excuse.
I know this is going to hurt you deeply. Sorry. Them’s the breaks. Falling in love, with a man at the start, now a woman, isn’t exactly a choice. Have a nice life.
NW
Send me your shoe size, I’ll buy you a pair of those terrific birkenstocks and mail them to you.
The Ethicist proposes a Dear John letter. Below, such a letter, which NW can send to the now former boyfriend. The letter assumes NW is female, although we don’t really know. NW could be male.
Dear Boyfriend:
Hi again from this side of the globe. Studying hard. Found a great new restaurant. Still loving the climate. Bought new birkenstocks which my feet adore. Everything else good.
By the way, I am gay. Actually, it may be only half-gay, bisexual I think they call it, I’m not sure since this is new to me and I still may be capable of attraction to men. I’m not talking hypothetically gay. I have real feelings for a woman in my study abroad program, actually I’ve fallen in love with her. I’m certain if you got to know her, you would think very highly of her (don’t read this as an invitation to a threesome).
If this offends you [the default preface to an apology], I apologize. We’re only 21, college juniors. Now that you know that I am not coming back to you, you can mourn and move on. I thought to wait until I saw you again to fill you in on the news because I didn’t want to disturb your semester, but then realized that was only an excuse.
I know this is going to hurt you deeply. Sorry. Them’s the breaks. Falling in love, with a man at the start, now a woman, isn’t exactly a choice. Have a nice life.
NW
Send me your shoe size, I’ll buy you a pair of those terrific birkenstocks and mail them to you.
41
I'm heartbroken over the story of this vet's reckless and repugnant behavior, which led to the death of this couple's dog. I agree that they should go to the internet, but to do more than write a review on yelp. I would start a petition to have that review board be reviewed themselves(if there's already a system in place to have that review board be reviewed by some higher authority, I would pursue that as well), and I would post this heartbreaking story on FB, with a link to the petition, and I would ask my friends to share it. Hopefully their friends would, in turn, share it as well, and the story could go viral. If this couple chooses to do this, I would happily share their story, and the petition, on my FB wall, and I'm confident that many people in my life would do the same. Is there any way that Kwame Anthony Appiah, someone else from the Times, etc., could provide me with a way to follow up on this? I truly would like to do anything I can to help.
32
Dear Oliver:
You are very kind. However, as a NY resident who went through a not dissimilar experience with my beloved cat, I can tell you that nothing will change. My cat was diagnosed with lymphoma, and died 12 days later due to overly aggressive chemotherapy treatment. When she died, the oncology vet refused to speak with me, other than to say through his tech that "well, she died but the tumor was greatly diminished" and that her treatment didn't cost much more than the ten thousand dollars he thought it might cost.
I hired two independent vets to review the notes. Each concurred that the chemo was far too aggressive but that was a "veterinarian judgment call." I later found out that other people had lodged complaints against the treating oncology vet for the same reason. All of our complaints were dismissed, and were not reviewable in NY courts.
You are very kind. However, as a NY resident who went through a not dissimilar experience with my beloved cat, I can tell you that nothing will change. My cat was diagnosed with lymphoma, and died 12 days later due to overly aggressive chemotherapy treatment. When she died, the oncology vet refused to speak with me, other than to say through his tech that "well, she died but the tumor was greatly diminished" and that her treatment didn't cost much more than the ten thousand dollars he thought it might cost.
I hired two independent vets to review the notes. Each concurred that the chemo was far too aggressive but that was a "veterinarian judgment call." I later found out that other people had lodged complaints against the treating oncology vet for the same reason. All of our complaints were dismissed, and were not reviewable in NY courts.
4
How did you go about finding the independent vets? Who, it seems, turned out to be not so independent.
Pretty judgemental answer in 1! As though making a monogamous commitment would have been a watertight prevention of ever falling in love with someone else. I'm afraid history is full of people who cheat on their partners, monogamous arrangement or othrwerwise.
13
The relationship question is fairly simple. If six months apart is all it takes for a couple to explore open relationships, then that relationship is not very strong in the first place. I don't think knowing (or not knowing) will matter all that much to the boyfriend. A couple of stiff drinks, some swearing over the phone, and both of them will be ready to move on.
Lesson learnt: "lets not do this again with someone we are actually in love with".
Lesson learnt: "lets not do this again with someone we are actually in love with".
15
Lesson learnt: "lets not do this again with someone we are actually in love with".
EXACTLY. Back in a more innocent age, parents sometimes discouraged their teens from "going steady". Either they were committed, i.e. engaged, or they were free to play the field. Some wisdom there, because one person is free to pull away and the other may have emotionally committed and be open to hurt.
EXACTLY. Back in a more innocent age, parents sometimes discouraged their teens from "going steady". Either they were committed, i.e. engaged, or they were free to play the field. Some wisdom there, because one person is free to pull away and the other may have emotionally committed and be open to hurt.
14
With regard to Letter 3, I believe the situation is a travesty and the fact that the LW's own vet acknowledged that there were mistakes made says a lot. This is one vet criticizing another and supporting the critique with documentation. As far as the "what next?" I would contact my state legislative delegation, as well as researching who or which agencies have representation on the board. In some cases, also, state executive agencies have some designated slots on state boards. In my state this includes the state board of nursing. While the decision might not be modified it behooves those responsible for appointing members to the board, if there are appointments from beyond veterinary professional organizations, to understand the possibly misguided or unjust actions the board is taking.
12
I think the pet owners should launch a civil suit against those responsible for the malpractice. Or at minimum see whether they will settle to your satisfaction out of court before such a suit.
36
Wow, you and I are 0-for-3 on this set.
1) Both young lady and young man voluntarily entered into the "open" relationship decision. Both assumed same risks, there was no asymmetrical information and no known deception. Also no duty to "report". It's way too early to know where the new relationship is leading or how long it will last. Okay to perhaps say that the current situation "feels weird", but I'd offer up no further details. Only asking for trouble. Wait until they return from their travels and then sort it all out. A lot can happen between now and then.
2) While private fundraising campaigns can involve many distinct avenues of appeal, to not credit a donor for its contribution as a member of a specifically described donor category of which it is member is absolutely dishonest. If you seek 100% parent "participation"and a parent donates to the institution during that giving cycle, that counts. Sounds like clumsy setup. Giving specific funds distinct names and crediting only targeted donations to that fund sounds okay, but not if criteria is "participation".
3) What is your evidence that the review board is corrupt or failed to engage in fair process? You have no idea what evidence was presented, or the medical facts of the case. When the pet owner refused restitution of expense as a gesture of good faith by a regretful practice owner in favor of punitive license revocation, their choice was made and the result must be accepted. Case closed.
1) Both young lady and young man voluntarily entered into the "open" relationship decision. Both assumed same risks, there was no asymmetrical information and no known deception. Also no duty to "report". It's way too early to know where the new relationship is leading or how long it will last. Okay to perhaps say that the current situation "feels weird", but I'd offer up no further details. Only asking for trouble. Wait until they return from their travels and then sort it all out. A lot can happen between now and then.
2) While private fundraising campaigns can involve many distinct avenues of appeal, to not credit a donor for its contribution as a member of a specifically described donor category of which it is member is absolutely dishonest. If you seek 100% parent "participation"and a parent donates to the institution during that giving cycle, that counts. Sounds like clumsy setup. Giving specific funds distinct names and crediting only targeted donations to that fund sounds okay, but not if criteria is "participation".
3) What is your evidence that the review board is corrupt or failed to engage in fair process? You have no idea what evidence was presented, or the medical facts of the case. When the pet owner refused restitution of expense as a gesture of good faith by a regretful practice owner in favor of punitive license revocation, their choice was made and the result must be accepted. Case closed.
3
In regard to the woman with the dog, the treatment of the dog was unconscionable. The legal outcome was outrageous. Mr. Appiah is right, you should write it up on the internet in a way that's likely to draw as many viewers in your area as possible. Who knows? you may end up in a class action suit, which would probably be a lot more winnable.
13
Or, she may find herself on the losing end of a defamation lawsuit. they should have taken the offer, or counterproposed a reasonable settlement. Taking to facebook could prove disastrous.
3
To the first post: How are you so sure that your boyfriend is not experiencing the same thing? You hesitate to talk to him about this because you think that it might ruin his life there. But what if he is also having an affair and afraid to tell you too. Studying abroad is way more fun with these kinds of affairs, and you guys were aware of it so that you made this agreement. Then just let each other know.
22
To the lady with the boyfriend/ new attraction situation: Honesty is the best policy. I once found myself in a situation like this during a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. I kept silent about this emotional affair with the new attraction. My boyfriend found out years later while going through my old emails (which is another story), and he never forgave me. We tried working through this, but he would never let it go. We ended up calling it quits two days to our wedding.
So tell him. Good luck.
So tell him. Good luck.
12
I agree. If you care about this person, you should tell him. A relationship is not a contractual matter, like buying an appliance at a department store. It's not a legalistic question of "am I required to do xyz?" Decide this with your heart. Wouldn't you want him to do the same for you if the situation was reversed?
2
Take them to court. I worked at a Vet clinic as a staffer for five years. If they can't provide any records of treatment or an explanation, you will win. If they didn't keep any records, then you have another complaint with the veterinary review board. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DOCUMENT THEIR TREATMENT!
There are plenty of excellent, caring Vets in business. This outfit should close.
There are plenty of excellent, caring Vets in business. This outfit should close.
77
I would have asked "cats rule," but there's no Reply button. Maybe as a vet clinic staffer you'll know the answer? How does one go about hiring an independent vet to review clinic notes? My dog, too, did not survive his 'treatment' at a prominent ER clinic, nor would the supervising Specialist Vet even deign to meet with us to explain what happened.
I've been told the forensic vets are kind of shady, but the reputable vets tend to circle the wagons. Any ideas?
I've been told the forensic vets are kind of shady, but the reputable vets tend to circle the wagons. Any ideas?
1
Our emotions do not follow the intentions of the words. For example, the very idea of 'temporarily open(ing)' a relationship comes with caveats. Once we allow certain emotions, they can flood our brain with temptation and confusion. According to your agreement, you are not suppose to disclose anything until you meet your boyfriend (or ex- by now). He knew what he was getting into when he agreed to 'temporarily opening'. On the bright side, its painful and exhilarating opportunity to learn and mature. Best wishes,
www.mausamkalita.blogspot.com
www.mausamkalita.blogspot.com
8
Re Letter #1 I see no evidence LW wants to break up with the boyfriend or doesn't intend to return to him. LW is describing a 'sticky situation' where boyfriend - who LW "loves very much" - - - would be unhappy if he knew of the involvement. I think LW wants advice on how to cover up/withhold information about new relationship that allows them to return to the boyfriend w/ as little difficulty as possible.
To LW3 whose dog died at a veterinary hospital. My experience w/ emergency vet hospitals open on weekends when most vet offices are closed has been sketchy including outrageous expensive 'tests' & unnecessary & questionable procedures. I advise anyone who can avoid emergency vets or emergency vet hospitals at night or on weekends to do so.
Regarding the board that oversees veterinary care disputes - my own experiences jibes w/ regulatory agencies treating medical or custodial issues regarding companion animals as not much more than nuisance complaints regarding "property" - which is what most animals are under state law. While there is a movement to enlarge companion animals to something beyond "property" so the death of one is not much different than having a dry cleaner ruin your dress, it hasn't progressed much. Until those who have pets work to change laws for veterinary standards & oversight & also the status of animals as living beings & not merely "property" we own, this won't get better & animals will suffer because of it. As will those who love them.
To LW3 whose dog died at a veterinary hospital. My experience w/ emergency vet hospitals open on weekends when most vet offices are closed has been sketchy including outrageous expensive 'tests' & unnecessary & questionable procedures. I advise anyone who can avoid emergency vets or emergency vet hospitals at night or on weekends to do so.
Regarding the board that oversees veterinary care disputes - my own experiences jibes w/ regulatory agencies treating medical or custodial issues regarding companion animals as not much more than nuisance complaints regarding "property" - which is what most animals are under state law. While there is a movement to enlarge companion animals to something beyond "property" so the death of one is not much different than having a dry cleaner ruin your dress, it hasn't progressed much. Until those who have pets work to change laws for veterinary standards & oversight & also the status of animals as living beings & not merely "property" we own, this won't get better & animals will suffer because of it. As will those who love them.
5
I have great sympathy for the family that lost their dog. Many of us have experienced the same anguish and frustration. A substitute vet diagnosed our dog with a tumor that was causing her to gasp, and he said emergency surgery was required. This was done, and he showed us an X-ray of the supposed growth. I asked what a white mark on the X-ray was, and the doctor said it was the microchip. Our dog hadn't been chipped.
We were lucky in that our pet survived and our regular vet was able to treat her real illness. I should have sued that cretin, but I never wanted to lay eyes on him again.
We were lucky in that our pet survived and our regular vet was able to treat her real illness. I should have sued that cretin, but I never wanted to lay eyes on him again.
23
It was probably an artifact laying on the table when the x-ray was taken. Just sloppy work.
5
Even if it seems very hurtful, it is best to be honest. Humans, in general, have a great knack to accept the truth and then move on. It may take time for some, but we all move on. Honesty is the best policy!
4
As to the Boyfriend question. FYI, the boyfriend already broke up with you before you left. Let me explain what it means for a male to agree to an open relationship - especially when the two people are going to be miles apart. It means he's going to move on, or already has, or soon will after you leave town - and the agreement will be his exit strategy. That You, the female readily agreed to the open-form merely saved him from having to eventually break-up with you. Implied promises are worthless in these cases as the usual response is; "I didn't mean to fall in love, but it...it just happened...snuck up on me..."
Should he show some hurt, or displeasure, its probably due to his having not finding someone yet. Its the ego-sting most males get when their women find others (especially of the same sex) and move on. We never think we can be gotten over.
Tell him and continue on the path of moving on. Its for the best.
Should he show some hurt, or displeasure, its probably due to his having not finding someone yet. Its the ego-sting most males get when their women find others (especially of the same sex) and move on. We never think we can be gotten over.
Tell him and continue on the path of moving on. Its for the best.
24
Why do you assume the LW is a female?
"Let me explain what it means for..."
I won't use the obvious gender-based term for the bit that follows here, but actually, you can't explain men OR women. You can (possibly) explain yourself, and that's all.
"Let me explain what it means for..."
I won't use the obvious gender-based term for the bit that follows here, but actually, you can't explain men OR women. You can (possibly) explain yourself, and that's all.
29
I worked on a medical malpractice lawsuit some years ago, where the nurses' and doctor's care of our client's mother was terrible. She kept a journal, and detailed their neglect in her journal. The charts were a disaster. She died suddenly, even though she was recuperating from a routine surgery. Her treating doctor wrote on her death certificate that the cause of death was sepsis.
We had an independent well-respected Dr. review the case, and he was angry. He said that the nurses' care was abysmal, the treating physician was a joke and should lose his license, but that none of that killed her. She had a bowel infarcation that, given her very sudden onset of symptoms, would almost certainly have killed her regardless of whether she received better treatment. He said the Dr. should never have put sepsis as the cause of death, but apparently made that up because he was clueless.
Obviously, I don't know if this is a similar case, but perhaps there's not sufficent evidence that the dog's death could have been prevented. However, that shouldn't let the animal hospital off the hook for its substandard care, poor communication, and internal autopsy and cremation that prevented proper independent review.
Our malpractice case was dismissed, but the treating Dr. in our case lost his malpractice insurance a few months later, and eventually left the practice, not just because of our case but because of multiple complaints against him and a consistent record of bad patient care.
We had an independent well-respected Dr. review the case, and he was angry. He said that the nurses' care was abysmal, the treating physician was a joke and should lose his license, but that none of that killed her. She had a bowel infarcation that, given her very sudden onset of symptoms, would almost certainly have killed her regardless of whether she received better treatment. He said the Dr. should never have put sepsis as the cause of death, but apparently made that up because he was clueless.
Obviously, I don't know if this is a similar case, but perhaps there's not sufficent evidence that the dog's death could have been prevented. However, that shouldn't let the animal hospital off the hook for its substandard care, poor communication, and internal autopsy and cremation that prevented proper independent review.
Our malpractice case was dismissed, but the treating Dr. in our case lost his malpractice insurance a few months later, and eventually left the practice, not just because of our case but because of multiple complaints against him and a consistent record of bad patient care.
10
Name Withheld: One hasn't lived until they've had a long distance relationship. With that said, understand that you do not love your boyfriend and he does not love you. If you both loved each other neither of you would have agreed to having sexual affairs with others while apart. Think about it. You can't refrain from sexual intimacy with other people for "almost six months?" That's not love. Quit clinging to each other like cowards. Just tell him the truth and accept the consequences. You can't pretend at love. Just live and be honest.
59
Professor Appiah deserves to know that at least one reader thinks his Ethicist is the absolute best incarnation ever. A column that had often appeared to be a joke or an embarrassment to the Times is now a source of inspiration, edification and pokes to the conscience. We only regret that our offspring did not take his courses at Princeton.
9
Those readers within hours of driving time of SMU in Dallas should consider establishing a relationship with the world class veterinary medicine practice of Hillside Veterinary Clinic, where the incredible August Claybrook,DVM has been our vet for over a decade.
Hillside has its own 24/7 emergency clinic upstairs from its main practice, with board certified veterinary medicine specialists. It does not charge its regular clients premium pricing for night/weekend services.
Dr. Claybrook restricts her practice to Mondays and Fridays as she puts her priority on nurturing her two daughters, which we gladly agree with. Her colleagues in her practice are fully competent. The patient history and procedures documentation protocols here are so professional that another vet can get up to speed quickly on a pet's unique medical history.
We have had some indifferent vets before and we have had vets who appear to run their practice solely to optimize financial returns. The peace of mind that we have from knowing that our pet has the best is rewarding.
Hillside has its own 24/7 emergency clinic upstairs from its main practice, with board certified veterinary medicine specialists. It does not charge its regular clients premium pricing for night/weekend services.
Dr. Claybrook restricts her practice to Mondays and Fridays as she puts her priority on nurturing her two daughters, which we gladly agree with. Her colleagues in her practice are fully competent. The patient history and procedures documentation protocols here are so professional that another vet can get up to speed quickly on a pet's unique medical history.
We have had some indifferent vets before and we have had vets who appear to run their practice solely to optimize financial returns. The peace of mind that we have from knowing that our pet has the best is rewarding.
7
I've worked with several dog rescue groups, including one that involves many veterinarians in doing low-cost spays and neuters for people of limited resources. Therefore, I've had the chance to see the work of many different veterinarians. Of the 25 or 30 whose work I've seen, I've seen two who I'd prefer to avoid in the future. In one case, it was due to arrogance and sloppiness. In the other, the vet was very kind-hearted but didn't seem to keep his skills as up-to-date as others. That's an incredible record of competence of over 90 percent. In other words, I think we should be glad that there are many terrific veterinarians around who are competent, compassionate and easy to work with. They are the rule, not the exception.
2
In "The Case of the Long-Distance Relationship," which sounds suspiciously like the song "See You in September," the writer assumes the boyfriend will be devastated. They both agreed they wanted to "explore." What's going on on the other side of the globe might be a real eye-opener, which is why they agreed not to discuss it. "I am not technically breaking the rules of our relationship." Wait, you said it was implied that neither of you would fall in love with anyone else, so you are, in fact, breaking that rule. The main rule not to be broken here is that you said you wouldn't discuss it. Who knows how you and this woman will feel about each other at the end of six months? Or whether your boyfriend might be involved in the same dilemma and wondering whether to tell you? Best to keep your mouth shut, as promised.
And by the way, the cute little illustration notwithstanding, there is no indication in the writer's question that "she" is, in fact, female.
And by the way, the cute little illustration notwithstanding, there is no indication in the writer's question that "she" is, in fact, female.
7
"I love my boyfriend very much but now I'm falling for a woman, but I can't tell my boyfriend because the phones signal is bad". Uh huh. It's hard to imagine a place where one can study abroad and have such limited internet access, but that's not the gist of the letter. If the writer loves a man and is now falling for a woman, the writer must be honest. about it, whether the writer is a man or a woman, and the sex of the writer is not clear to me or particularly relevant. Blaming lack of honesty on bad phone signals is dishonest and sounds phony. So does this problem.
13
Regarding the students abroad: no hasty decisions or condemnations. Life is long, they are very young and this was their agreement. They both knew that a fling had a risk. They both assumed that you can develop feelings for those you sleep with. The real surprise was the discovery of a potential different sexual orientation.
She can ethically wait some time to inform him, as it was part of their agreement. This gives her some time to sort out life changing information. But
she owes him a phone call; an email breakup is definitely unethical.
She can ethically wait some time to inform him, as it was part of their agreement. This gives her some time to sort out life changing information. But
she owes him a phone call; an email breakup is definitely unethical.
6
Civil litigation is usually a terrible way to achieve elusive "closure" - it more typically has exactly the opposite effect.
6
In the first relationship challenge - there are some questions unanswered, but based on what has been provided, I have two completely conflicting reactions. One is that this is a serious relationship building, and if so, the boyfriend at the other end of the world should be told before they see each other months from now. But -#2 is that if there is a possibility this is more of a fling, is it possible that the writer is holding on to the old relationship for her own comfort, out of fear that the new one may not last, rather than out of concern for the boyfriend? Maybe the boyfriend will be devastated, but -OTOH, his ability to enjoy the remaining semester MIGHT also be enhanced... It doesn't sound as if either was ready to make a long term commitment.
7
The LW and her BF must be about 19 years old, based on how old I was when I graduated from college. I say LW could tell her BF that long distance is tougher than she expected, and they should drop the relationship until they can see each other again and see how they feel. End of story for now. The nuance of her feelings for a GF, an apparently unconsummated love, can hardly be explained in a few sound bites. When she and her BF see each other again, maybe they will hit it off again, maybe not. Which is probably why they agreed to have an open relationship for the duration.
16
I disagree that buying from a rummage sale, auction, or uniform sale (parents' fundraisers) is the same as making a donation to the main campaign. When you buy something from a sale like that, you're a customer (albeit acting somewhat charitably). The organizers and suppliers (i.e. those donating the rummage) are the ones who should be recognized.
28
With regards to the ethical considerations of the first question:
It appears the agreement was not to talk about "flings" until returning home. The relationship with the woman from the program does not appear to be a fling. Therefore, I think it would be warranted to tell the boyfriend.
From a practical standpoint, don't rush to any conclusions. The "real feelings" for the woman from the program may not last, and feelings for the boyfriend may take over again.
It appears the agreement was not to talk about "flings" until returning home. The relationship with the woman from the program does not appear to be a fling. Therefore, I think it would be warranted to tell the boyfriend.
From a practical standpoint, don't rush to any conclusions. The "real feelings" for the woman from the program may not last, and feelings for the boyfriend may take over again.
24
LW1 should also think carefully about the new girlfriend's feelings. Option 1: The new girlfriend may just be having a fling, since LW1 is visiting for a fixed time. Option 2: She is serious, but not willing to wait many years to live together, if ever. Option 3: She is serious, but not interested in moving to the US.
Bottom line, though, is that I personally believe neither of LW1's relationships are going to last. The most ethical thing LW1 can do is to be guided by what the other parties would want to know, and when.