Late December

Thanks Julie. I sure was taking notes.

If you look long enough and close enough, life is not all bad all the time

Thanks Alexander. It's the branded content that keep the lights on, and stories like Frank's that keep me going.

The difference between a vegetative state and Alzheimer is pretty vast. How cruel to judge a family who is providing basic care and comfort to their mother? This isn't about the fear of death, it's about continuing to care for a persons who's body is healthy but who's mind is gone. It would be great if the two gave up at the same time, body and mind together, but the reality is, sometimes the body goes first, other times the mind.

Your comment acknowledges real truths for those who have the power to make medical decisions for those with dementia. We are often faced with medical choices between longevity and quality of life. My family did decide that we would not require my father--deep in dementia--to be fed through tubes, although when we had agreed to a "pureed diet" as long as he could swallow on his own; we did not give him hydration through an IV which meant he did not have food or liquids in his last days. While he still expressed joy in his life, we were willing to have life-prolonging treatments, knowing we would face the time when nothing lit his eyes or caused smiles as his power to speak had been lost months before his death. We gave him as many normal activities as were possible. In the end we chose not to use extreme measures to prolong the life of a body trying its best to follow its soul into death.

Many families do not seek the access to information nor the unity we had that medical decisions must be made for my father's benefit, not for our needs. I cannot encourage strongly enough that families don't turn away from knowing how a diagnosis of dementia ends--physically and emotionally. Don't wait for a "deathbed" moment to bring families together. See the films like Mr. Callander's, read the literature, attend the support groups. Your spouse, your parent, your sibling, your friend has nowhere to hide from the disease so please be brave enough to face it with her/him.

My father died of Alzheimers five years ago in June. My mother, my husband, adult daughter and brother all helped care for him and he was able to stay at home with home health and eventually hospice. I am an RN so I have some sort of advantage over the average person. He faded but was there up until the last month. He eventually stopped asking for food and then water. He refused to get out of bed, he made the decision. We kept him comfortable and he died in his sleep one night with my mother at his side in bed with him like always. Those last few months were for us and for my mother to say goodbye and learn to accept his leaving. We gathered as a family and celebrated him and all the memories, I would not have had it any other way. His death was quite beautiful and probably atypical and even if he was gone, at least the real dad from years ago, his essence was there, we could feel it...he still smiled and chuckled up until a month before his death.
So I guess what I am saying is that even dying from Alzheimers can be OK, at least it was for my dad.

This was kind of you to share and well stated.

Your 90-y/o may 'want to' take care of your dad, but is that wise for her to be attempting at her age? Does she have any assistance in caring for him? Is your dad able to bath himself, get himself in and out of bed, etc? Those aren't the kind of things any 90-y/o should be attempting to help with....

I meant Frank and Mary Jo Havlak when I referred to Mr & Mrs Callander.

I agree. I just don't get it when people use terms of 'privacy' or 'dignity' etc, when talking about very real bodily functions and/or its failings. We are all human and our body parts all perform various functions. Our bodies don't always work the way we want them to. And I don't see anything 'undignified' about that. Does anyone ever refer to babies and their various limitations as being 'undignified'...the fact that they must be fed, diapers changed, burped, etc? So why the sudden difference when we become adults? It's all just a part of life.

It seems to me that people use the terms 'privacy' or 'dignity' as a catch-all phrase.

This discussion reminds me very much of the May 2014 news story about four men arrested for sneaking into a Mississippi nursing home to take photos of the dementia-stricken wife of a senator and posting it online. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/23/us/mississippi-4-arrested-in-inquiry-o...

Yes, today's video was tastefully done whereas the May 2014 plan to exploit a politician's wife's dementia was beyond classless. The 2014 article states that the accused men did not have the woman's permission to make a video of her. Did Ms. Havlek give permission for Joe Callander to make this video of her? I'm guessing she did not. Guessing again, her husband may have legal guardianship of her and given Mr. Callander permission. But that doesn't mean it was the right thing for Mr. Callander to have done....

I thought the same thing. It would be best if he joined some of his contempraries at a senoir center...he still has some living to do.

"Most of them would welcome a swift end, but this desire is clouded and obscured by societal values that assume that longevity is more important than quality. "

Which is precisely why we must make our wishes known, well in advance, to our doctors. lawyers, family and friends. There are ways to circumvent the system if a swift end is what one wants. I'll be damned if the govt is going to tell me what I can or cannot do to my own body.

Did Ms. Havlak sign consent for such a film back when she was still competent? If not, then the footage of her was clearly exploitative behavior on the part of both the filmmaker and the "New York Times."

It is not Ms. Havlak's obligation to educate or enlighten anyone who hasn't been around Alzheimer's patients! If people are really interested in knowing about it, they can visit a nearby Alzheimer's care facility. There, they could get the enlightenment/education they seek AND brighten a few moments of an Alzheimer's patient's day.

"Care that is outsourced is no longer love or devotion"
And you are not "outsourcing" care with your cutting comments about the way in which this 91 year old gentleman obviously cares for his wife?
Your comment, presuming there is only one way to do that, is arrogant and rude.

Wow, your cruelty is cruel.

Wow.

This man has, if it is possible, soaring humility, constancy and devotion to his wife, life as it finds us and, I'll guess, God.

He is also, clearly, limited by arthritis, other medical problems, and some cognitive deficits of his own.

So he finds a facility for his wife that offers better care for her daily physical needs, like bathing, dressing and maintaining an Alzheimer's safe living environment, than he can at home.

Every day visits her, never losing faithfulness to her prettiness or the small talk, loyalty and small daily acts of friendship that I imagine constituted the relationship that, more than anything else, defined his life and their life together.

All this without a hint of self-congratulation or self-pity.

He is fortunate to possess such wisdom and capacity for goodness. They are fortunate to have a place for her to live where she can find safety and dignity, and he can get much needed respite. As a society, we are fortunate to have a health care system that, though deeply flawed, offers at least some people such humane alternatives.

I have to admit that I thought the same thing. After thinking about it for a bit, though, I realized that by weaving in the old home movies and pictures, the point was beautifully made that this is just another stage of life--not as enjoyable, perhaps, but still part of their life. I have to assume that Mr. Havlak knows his wife well, and that if she liked being in pictures at those earlier stages, it would not be wrong to show this life event, especially if it helps to encourage others to persevere and be faithful. Very thought-provoking from many angles.

You are projecting your own circumstances and opinions, which should be respected, onto others, whose decisions in this obviously grey area, should not be disrespected just because they reach a different conclusion. Should no one who has not experienced a loved one suffering from Alzheimer ever be allowed to glimpse any of the reality? It's sad how negatively judgmental several of the early comments are on this story.

I think it was lovely and she didn't seem upset. I would like to add that if Mr. Havlak thought it was okay, then Mrs. Havlak probably did too. I would guess that he knows her pretty well.