The Art of the Thanksgiving Table

On the point of etiquette, why are there no wine glasses? I have never heard that the {Pilgrims were teetotal.

And the etiquette of smoking: is it totally banned in this "Timid New World", or are ashtrays placed on the table at the end of the meal?

Au Contraire, Cell phones should be checked at the door, like coats.
Emily Post "would roll over in her grave" at the idea of cellphones at the table.
Remember, etiquette is about consideration of others & looking at one's cellphone means one is not looking at the person on one's right or left or across the table.
And Please, no picture-taking (of the food or the people).

I am grateful for growing up with the tradition of special sit-down dinners on holidays like Thanksgiving. Getting to use the good china and silver was fun, and the food was more special than what we ate everyday. But I only realize now, at age 63, that the older generation was giving my siblings and me a gift... they were socializing us in how to act in polite company in the wider world. It's something I take for granted today because I learned it as a child. DUH!!!

What a lovely article and a lovely representation of the Thanksgiving spirit.

Re: Comments that the classroom looks virtually all white: I (an African-American woman) see two teenage girls of color in the first photo and one teenage girl in the second. Just because a school district has minority students doesn't mean they all attend the same school. My high school had a small number of black students (I was often the only one or one of two in some classes) though the district percentage of black students was higher. That was because of the mostly white neighborhood we lived in; our house was zoned to that school.

Trust me, I occasionally comment in the NYT when I see what I perceive as racial injustice/ignorance being excused in an article or comments. But this? To me, this is just a sweet story of a very good teacher going above and beyond in providing education/life skills for her students. They will remember her and appreciate her for this.

P.S. As a high school student, I enjoyed reading the "Miss Manners" etiquette books I checked out from the library. The author, Judith Martin, is a stickler for formality - but she's also quite witty, making the books more enjoyable. I bought a used copy of the 1980's book "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" several years ago and, though old, it was still useful to me as a new college graduate, especially the table manners section. It can also be used as a doorstop (it's a big book).

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

What is wrong with you people? A wonderful teacher provides a feast for her students where manners count and the kids love it! There is nothing to criticize! This will go far in changing European minds about "the ugly American"
Thanks to the teacher!

Numerous comments lament the need for schools to fill the gap left by parents who do not teach -- or emulate -- table manners. Let us remember that we live in a country in which schools must also fill gaps left by parents who fail to adequately feed their children or attend to their healthcare. While the public school system developed as an essential arm to democracy, leveling the playing field by ensuring that all could read and know civics and thereby participate in the process of government, the public schools have been resorted to as social levelers in nutrition and healthcare. I both lament the societal failure that results in the need for such intervention and am grateful that it is provided.

And, please, don't chew with your mouth open!

Truly a beautiful story. I hope that one day I may impart to Mrs. Sanders the beauty of the traditional ceremony we refer to as 'pizza and beer while watching football on the big screen.' It is a mistake to assume that our descendants will necessarily know how to continue this inter-generational ritual.

"Mrs. Sanders would not disagree with those experts, because that would not be polite. "

That's exactly the problem with an over-emphasis on etiquette and "civility". People equate not challenging other points of view with politesse. What American high school students really need to learn is how to talk with people whose views are different from theirs.

Southern table, celebration of "traditions", almost no kids of color. This is not giving me a warm-and-fuzzy Thanksgiving Day feeling.

Astonishing to me that a teacher is teaching her students a skill that used to be taught in the home. One less day spent on academics, one more day spent on parenting other peoples children. I commend her for filling a void, but very sorry that it is a teacher that has to do it.

I'm not sure what the difference is between "the traditions of the Southern table" at Thanksgiving and the traditions of non-Southern areas. Or between "Southern etiquette" and etiquette elsewhere in the country.

All the suggestions in the article seem to fit anywhere, so I'm not sure why they require a "Southern" adjective.

I applaud Ms. Wardie for her efforts. It is important that young people learn table etiquette.

Even so, there were things that got my back up. First, when I am a guest at a religious person's table, I quietly tolerate, even participate in, whatever prayers are said. But this is a public school. Prayers to any supernatural power are out of place -- in fact, illegal. Gratitude is appropriate, if it is gratitude for our nation, for our family and friends, for the farmers and farmworkers who raised the food we are eating -- but public expression of gratitude to "God" should be out, out, out, even if it is part of "Southern tradition."

And speaking of Southern tradition, I see from Wikipedia that the population of Huntsville is 49% non-white, mostly African-American. Why are almost none of them at Ms. Sanders' table?

Wardie Sanders is teaching a wonderful lesson, one that will reap benefits as these students head out into the world. But what's with the references to "traditions of the Southern table" and "the finer points of Southern etiquette?" There are no practices named here that aren't also Northern, Western, Kansan and Idahoan. Correct table manners don't vary by American region. This Yankee grew up with the same customs cited here, including passing the salt and pepper as a pair, and placing them on the table, not into the hands of the requester.

Steven Petrow sounds like he's worked up quite a racket, claiming to be an etiquette expert, while dismissing the importance of proper table manners and critiquing flower arrangements and table settings as superficial! Ms. Sanders might do well to take over his bookings-- clients would end up better prepared for social challenges under her demanding tutelage than by following Petrow's slacker advice.

Civility. A lost cause in the US; public discourse, public manners, genuine debate, and host of other things done in a civilized society have gone missing. Congratulations to Mrs. Sanders. I can invite my most rabid conservative and most rabid liberal to my dining table (and have) and a civil discussion will break out where they mutually agree to disagree but still can be friends at the end of the evening. Any unruly behavior and you are asked to leave. For a vast majority of the US, not so much. As to cell phones at the table, I have some electronics that blanks all of them and anyone at my house knows to turn their cell phone off or leave (emergency room medical staff and police excepted). The political debate crowds are the most glaring example of loss of civility, along with sweat pants on airplanes and cell phones in public places.

Did anyone notice how racially segregated these classes are?

I spend my entire childhood HATING that my father insisted on no slurping, no lip smacking, chewing with your mouth open, holding your fork like a shovel, etc., etc. And now I thank god he was a stickler, because I am honestly gobsmacked at the table manners of some of the adults in my life. These are upper middle class, highly educated people, and many of them eat like cows in the field. It's cringeworthy.

I grew up in a family that insisted on good table manners. We didn't have good china and sterling silver, but we were taught which fork goes where. The food was well prepared and lovingly presented. Everyone at the table was made to feel comfortable and welcome.
A family of my acquaintance inherited a few generations of money, sterling silver and social standing. Dining with them was an education. The hostess made sure I understood just how fragile the china was. Serving bowls weren't always passed to the next person because they got stuck at the place of those engrossed in conversation with full mouths. Sticky mashed potatoes were scraped off of the serving spoon with a fork that had been in someone's mouth. The hostess took a large portion of the main dish, didn't eat it and at the end of the meal returned it to the serving bowl to be served the next day.
Fine linens and proper place settings are a pleasure to have and use. Knowing how to use them is important. It is much more important not to engage in rude and disgusting behavior.

Amid the world's incivility Mrs. Sanders 'carves' out a small but meaningful act of graciousness - bravo and bon appetit!

Kudos to Wardie Sanders. She's doing a great thing.

Boo hiss to Lee Rainie and the nonsense about using a cellphone "...to better the experience for everyone at the table". Poppycock. Grandma doesn't want to watch you eat via FaceTime. Eat your dinner then call her afterward.

I love this story. Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when the hotel manager takes Julia Roberts aside to teach her about navigating a fancy dinner? I loved that he cared about teaching her and I love how this teacher wants to share that for her students each year. Whenever we can do things between generations to get on a similar playing field, fantastic stuff happens.

Great story! Next year I hope Mrs. Sanders puts out a video lesson - it wouldn't hurt. Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

I think it's a lovely idea. And sadly, too many young people are not taught proper table etiquette. I remember when I was a junior and our French class had a dinner in a local French restaurant. One girl had no idea how to handle the silverware at the table, and so the rest of us showed her which fork to use and to place her napkin on her lap. I was never so grateful to my mother for drilling this into me as I was when I saw how bewildered that poor girl was.

When my daughter was in college and going to meet her boyfriend's parents for the first time she asked me what she could do to impress them. I said "know what you're doing at the dinner table."

Beautiful! So long as Mrs. Sanders (and the rest of us, with our families and guests) emphasize that this holiday is about offering each other good company more than about enjoying food, manners, respect and comportment won't become anachronistic. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!

This is a public school, and the history teacher thinks it's okay to say a blessing before the students eat?! A lesson on the First Amendment is overdue.

Are the students learning to eat a proper meal or to properly eat a meal?

It's too bad that precocious school time has to be taken for what students should get at home. But. it is something useful to know.

I wonder how I can swing an invitation to Ms. Sander's gathering next Thanksgiving. It sounds inspirational.

Many of those commenting seem to be focused on the potential bad behavior of the young people at the table--heads down for cell phones, unable to make conversation. According to Sherry Turkle, it is the "adults" who are at least as guilty of such behavior, if not more so, and who in so doing ignore their children's emotional needs and neglect their humanization. In discussing why conversation is so important, she pointed out that a major element of the ability to hold a conversation is to have empathy for the other. As I read the news and social media, empathy seems to have been one of the first qualities to disappear from America.

And Mr. Rainie: cell phone use is an addiction. This should be the first day that those in its grip begin to go, um, cold turkey.

Ah, Mr. Rainie, you are completely missing it, but that's the way of the millennial world. The art of conversation was dead long before social media and the cell phone.

"'But increasingly, people are using cellphones to enrich or enhance a social situation; something that actually translates well to the Thanksgiving table,' said Lee Rainie, the director of Internet, science and technology research at the Pew Research Center."

Sometimes, at a pre-cellphone Thanksgiving dinner, there would be periods of silence. "The food must be good, no one's talking!" an aunt of mine would exclaim facetiously. The silence was not due to cell phone consultation. There was something there, a je ne sais quoi, that evanescent moment when family and friends are forced to be together in a confined location from which they can't escape, either physically or with a cell phone.

Not that young people at the table back then thought that the experience was all that pleasant, as they squirmed. But it coerced them into a moment of recognition of the physical presence as a responsibility. Today young people avoid that responsibility by connecting to global friends.

Who knows? Their global friends might be equally, or more, valuable to them than is family. But it's the idea of having an attention span, a focus on the moment to savor what is there. It's a world we have lost.

In fact, what this points to is the importance of teaching principles of civility in the core school curriculum.

As a start, may I recommend P.M. Forni's 25 Rules of Civility as a primer.

Everyone of sound mind can practice civility, regardless of education or aptitude.

Love the line from the student who said knowing what to do helps her relax. Makes a person smile to think of a polite, relaxed young person socializing with more of the same. Nice kids are a national treasure, and kudos to this teacher for moving that forward. Btw -she should film it. Instant youtube legend.

But I vote for skipping the phones for at least one meal a year.

I wish all schools did this. I wish all parents and grandparents did this. Good table manners include good manners when making conversation, something that is becoming harder and harder to do as every thing gets politicized. Even the most benign of subjects, the weather, is no longer safe. I was taught that being able to make pleasant conversation with anyone is an asset and it is one that has served me well many, many times but boy, do some people make me work for it.

It's been a particularly terrible week or so in the news- this article gives me hope for the future of our country and, by extension, the world. This teacher is providing incredible lessons in the kind of thoughtful graciousness and awareness that will serve the students well in not only their own families and this country but across the cultures of the world, whether dining with silver, chopsticks, or simply their hands.

I love that Mrs. Sanders has been offering this to her student- our kindergarten class just had a 'feast' yesterday with a similar set-up.

The children loved sitting together on one long table, and not one child took a bite until the special 'grace' was spoken. They were well mannered and had been told a day earlier that if they didn't like something, to say 'no thank you' or 'I don't care for any, thanks'. Kids of all ages should have this offered in schools.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone~

Each and every day we have the opportunity to instruct children of all ages on manners, sense of community, appreciation for their food, appropriate conversation, slowing down to eat, enjoy and be sated. But in our good ole American more is better attitude we instead rush them through their 20 minute lunch periods using disposable plates and plastic utensils because we have so many "more important things" to teach them like test prep. Sad indeed.

"Perhaps a dinner guest casually wonders aloud which state produces the most sweet potatoes. A nimble cellphone user could produce the answer: North Carolina."
Wonderful! We can eat whilst we play Trivial Pursuit.
Well, if this is what millennials want, this is what we must have.

I grew up in a family that had very formal dinner manners and it has served me well in the business world. I spend my time at lunches and dinners thinking about what to say and how to connect with a client, not which fork to use. I have a very talented colleague with AWFUL table manners and it's a problem for him. His manners are off-putting and he is tense and awkward the whole time. He's extremely bright but sophisticated clients don't respect him - the same way they would if he couldn't spell. So as far as I'm concerned, Mrs. Sanders is teaching her students a skill for the real world. Not everybody will need it (I can't remember the last time I used a square root....) but for some of them it will pay dividends.

It says a lot that Mrs. Sanders invites her students to use her family's heirlooms, objects that she cherishes, as they enjoy a meal together. There is so much love, respect and trust conveyed through this sharing. I'm not surprised the students appreciate it. In my experience, the disinterest of young people is vastly overrated. If you assume they won't care or will reject you, you lose the opportunity to have moment like this that brings everyone to the table, embodying the best in etiquette.

A beautiful article; thank you.

I disagree with Steven Petrow -- good manners don't just happen, they appear within a context, and at meals that means "the fork you use or the way the table is set." From that, comes the rest.

And bravo to Wardie Sanders, and the public school system that allows (encourages?) her to bring civility into her students' lives... hopefully, to stay.

This is fantastic. It should be core curriculum in all schools, starting early and continuing until graduation from high school. And I also suggest that it be mixed among grades, so youths (ack! - I really write that?) of all ages can interact civilly. Social nourishment, civil discourse, and appreciation of simple pleasures. I wish someone had thought of this when I was growing up. Something the kids can pass on to their parents.