I have had the same experiences at different times in my life. I think it's rude for "friends" to criticize anyone who wishes to abstain from sex for whatever reason, particularly if you are not in a relationship. If you choose to wait until you are in a committed relationship with someone you love, why is that weird or unhealthy. In fact, many one-night stands and hook-ups (particularly when people are drunk) are typically unsatisfying sexual experiences. Afterward, you can often feel gross or deflated. It's your body and your heart. Govern them as you please in ways that makes you feel happy, safe or at peace.
23
I didn't have sex for two and a half years, between 30 and 32.5. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but because I was sick of random hook-ups and not-that-interested men and I wanted to wait for someone who really liked me.
At the time it felt like a pretty big deal, and an embarrassment. Then I found a wonderful boyfriend, started having loads of sex, and that two and a half years of abstaining suddenly meant nothing, other than I was grateful for the sheer idea of difference. Sometimes you have something, other times you don't, but it's cyclical. I wish I'd been more relaxed with that - I know it's hard when you don't know what the future holds!
At the time it felt like a pretty big deal, and an embarrassment. Then I found a wonderful boyfriend, started having loads of sex, and that two and a half years of abstaining suddenly meant nothing, other than I was grateful for the sheer idea of difference. Sometimes you have something, other times you don't, but it's cyclical. I wish I'd been more relaxed with that - I know it's hard when you don't know what the future holds!
16
I feel from reading her article how sex was only possible when she was drunk suggests deeper issues around self worth. It is natural to be attracted to others and want to connect on different levels. Maybe if she didn't live in a city where no one walks, instead lived where there were sidewalks and more human interaction she might find connections easier. On average the French have sex 4 days a week...it is not a car culture
9
Sex is very important. And although I expect many will feel we spend too much time on the topic, I think we actually don't accord sex the centrality it deserves.
Much of the comments implicitly state that sex is about "what is good for me"; that, I feel, is a truncated and wizened outlook on sex. Sex can be a casual pastime but if that is ALL it is, then our society has taken a turn toward even more isolation and irrelevance.
Sure it's "fun" and complicated, it can seem more trouble than it is worth. Still, I wonder what better ways some of the commentators have found to pursue happiness?
Much of the comments implicitly state that sex is about "what is good for me"; that, I feel, is a truncated and wizened outlook on sex. Sex can be a casual pastime but if that is ALL it is, then our society has taken a turn toward even more isolation and irrelevance.
Sure it's "fun" and complicated, it can seem more trouble than it is worth. Still, I wonder what better ways some of the commentators have found to pursue happiness?
4
Some people abstain unwittingly, as a side effect of SSRI antidepressants. It is particularly common when people stop drinking after having had a problem. Both alcohol withdrawal and medications can wreak havoc on a persons ability to form these connections.
5
Kim from Washington wrote:
"Perhaps in this age of being connected through technology, that rare human connection is so much more powerful and hard to get over when lost."
This pretty much nails it. I think true human connection, complete with vulnerabilities, skin on skin over the course of time, and feelings of love is just plain harder to get over because it's harder to come by these days.
I can relate; having made what was initially a sex focused connection with someone online ( and 3000 miles to the east), we shared more than a handful of times together in the past year, and it morphed into something, for me, that was more than a casual Internet hook up. He couldn't meet me in that place of real heart felt connection, so now it's over. Most of my pain, if I'm honest, arises from the rarity of such connection in these Tinder times.....
"Perhaps in this age of being connected through technology, that rare human connection is so much more powerful and hard to get over when lost."
This pretty much nails it. I think true human connection, complete with vulnerabilities, skin on skin over the course of time, and feelings of love is just plain harder to get over because it's harder to come by these days.
I can relate; having made what was initially a sex focused connection with someone online ( and 3000 miles to the east), we shared more than a handful of times together in the past year, and it morphed into something, for me, that was more than a casual Internet hook up. He couldn't meet me in that place of real heart felt connection, so now it's over. Most of my pain, if I'm honest, arises from the rarity of such connection in these Tinder times.....
6
I'm a male and was 'secondary abstaining' for close to 25 years ...and I found someone. And it was awesome. And you shouldn't worry about waiting. And you shouldn't worry about what your friends are thinking. And we're all different. And being different is actually a wonderful thing ....so enjoy your uniqueness.
All the best :)
All the best :)
29
After a 30 year, very difficult marriage plagued by a husband with mental illnes ended, if I never had to have sex again that was going to be absolutely fine with me. I loved sleeping alone, taking up the whole bed, etc. etc Until . . . I met the most divine man in the world. I hadn't even really been looking for someone, but there he was! Now even one night without sex is dreary - and we are both in our sixties! The catch is, I could never have slept with him without first having felt feelings of deep tenderness, caring and yes, I'm afraid to say it, love. The Brahms liebeslieder have never rung so true!
27
I have an outsize libido, unfortunately. This drives a lot of my relationships until I realize they just don't work well out of the bedroom. At almost 60, there's never a dearth of men who crave a relationship with a same-age peer. I just wish they'd be a little more upfront about what they want out of life...or maybe, they really don't know or they get lazy after a couple of years. There's still so much I want to do that doesn't involve watching endless TV or spectator sports.
3
Thanks everyone. I feel a lot more normal, and happy, by your sharing. Last time I was with a lover, I burst into tears as explosive as my orgasm.
1
Am I the only one picking up on the point that Ali is heartbroken from her last relationship?
I see this so often with women, and fall in the category myself - after loving someone so much with all your heart and soul and energy, and it falls apart - how do you move on? How do you feel anything that deep and real for anyone else?
If that depth of relationship is what matters to you, then sex without those things is just that - sex, and meaningless in the long run. Like salt or sugar by itself instead of with the rest of the meal and dessert. No wonder there's no appetite for it!
The adage "you can't make old friends" is true: it's really hard to cultivate new relationships, with new people. If you're looking to marry your best friend, as relationship advice so often goes - well, it gets really difficult to find that the older you get, especially if things went south with the person whom you thought was your best friend.
If anyone has the magic solution to this much bigger conundrum - bring it on. This story to me has nothing to do with requiring a sex therapist. It has everything to do with heartbreak and recovery from it.
I see this so often with women, and fall in the category myself - after loving someone so much with all your heart and soul and energy, and it falls apart - how do you move on? How do you feel anything that deep and real for anyone else?
If that depth of relationship is what matters to you, then sex without those things is just that - sex, and meaningless in the long run. Like salt or sugar by itself instead of with the rest of the meal and dessert. No wonder there's no appetite for it!
The adage "you can't make old friends" is true: it's really hard to cultivate new relationships, with new people. If you're looking to marry your best friend, as relationship advice so often goes - well, it gets really difficult to find that the older you get, especially if things went south with the person whom you thought was your best friend.
If anyone has the magic solution to this much bigger conundrum - bring it on. This story to me has nothing to do with requiring a sex therapist. It has everything to do with heartbreak and recovery from it.
24
Sex without love (or some kind of passion) I feel, steals from me, it steals a bit of my being.
20
A beautifully written article. The last paragraph 'except we never have sex. And we never fall in love. We fall into almost love and then life takes us away from each other. And without that memory of skin against skin to connect us across distance and time, we become, once again, strangers' was
poignantly sad. How often do you meet someone in this world in which deep connection happens and sex is a natural extension of this wonder. As someone who has experienced this I would say that too often was don't take that chance out of fear for what the other person thinks or feels. We fade from each others memories. That is a shame.
poignantly sad. How often do you meet someone in this world in which deep connection happens and sex is a natural extension of this wonder. As someone who has experienced this I would say that too often was don't take that chance out of fear for what the other person thinks or feels. We fade from each others memories. That is a shame.
7
"Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
15
Beautifully written. I felt like I could've written these very words; I'm so glad you did.
6
Beautifully written and thank you for sharing. The romantic in me is rooting for you and the photographer.
6
Not sure why this writer (and her friends) think something is wrong with her for not having sex in two years. She says that she's never had sober sex with a new partner. So couldn't this new abstinence be a sign of maturity? Why should she be sad that she can't have sex with a stranger? Despite what TV and books would tell you, most people in the real world don;t do this. They prefer to have sex with someone they actually know -- or better yet, have an emotional attachment to
34
I agree with Sally. If she really just wanted sex with another person, there's a fairly easy solution (for women anyway) - just go get drunk and have sex. That's a time-tested and almost surefire way to let go of pesky inhibitions, as well as to numb unpleasant, awkward, and difficult feelings around the vulnerability of sex with another human being. But though she doesn't state it clearly, she seems to indicate she no longer wants to do it this way. Bravo for her - I would just encourage her to give herself some positive validation for changing her relationship to alcohol and sex! One other point - she doesn't mention masturbation. But if she is, in fact, masturbating from time to time, she IS having sex...with herself. Which, if she listens closely, will tell her something about why she's not having sex with other people at the moment!
3
My advice: If you can have sex HAVE IT. Life can throw you cruel curve balls. I haven't had sex in four years, and I'm married. I have a broken heart every single day because of that.
45
I'm glad Ms. Pearl published this and I liked reading it. I don't know why anyone else thinks that the word "comments" means that you're invited to give a review of her writing, an analysis of her psychiatric health, or advice on how she should get more sex or more romance. Do you people also write "comments" to Hemingway on the back flap of "A Farewell to Arms?" Just read the piece, take it in, discard it if it's useless, or feel connected to another human being if it's useful. We want your comments, not your damn opinions.
23
Amen!
3
What would a comment consist of that is not an opinion? Something like "I like this article because it's detached from feelings, etc."?/
6
Wonderfully written, but yeah, forget Tinder.
9
Eloquently stated. Bravo!
1
". . . looking for love in all the wrong places . . . ."
6
Hon, I looked for love in the right places and still got burned. It's not the place, it's the person. And liars abound, unfortunately.
4
Great writing.
3
I have not had sex in nearly20 years because I have not found anyone to who I am mutually attracted physically. I'm not going to settle or make do - I value myself and the experience of connection too much. I'm okay with that.
27
I have spent most of my adult life without much sex (with someone else) because finding that right person that truly arouses me is not very easy. Perhaps it is since I work alone and have a set of qualities (that I am no longer going to apologize for) that I need to attract me. I am in my late 40s and having men interested in me has never been a problem. And I am very sexual, though I will not force it and I hope one day to experience it in the way I imagine. I met someone recently and am hoping our relationship continues to build. Regular sex would be nice! (And he is someone who is cautious about casual sex too, it is not gender specific, maybe more age specific if anything.)
I tried having casual sex - does not work at all for me. I look at all the people who can get turned on that way, to each their own. (I imagine for asexuals or sapiosexuals they have their own take as well.) And yes, to all of those who think I need to see a therapist, really I am okay, just the guys out there I want are very far and few between or taken.
We all have our own journeys... for me I wish I did not have media telling me what is "normal" as maybe I am not alone in being a highly sexual being who can't seem to get sex (!)... thank you to the author for poetically sharing her journey.
I tried having casual sex - does not work at all for me. I look at all the people who can get turned on that way, to each their own. (I imagine for asexuals or sapiosexuals they have their own take as well.) And yes, to all of those who think I need to see a therapist, really I am okay, just the guys out there I want are very far and few between or taken.
We all have our own journeys... for me I wish I did not have media telling me what is "normal" as maybe I am not alone in being a highly sexual being who can't seem to get sex (!)... thank you to the author for poetically sharing her journey.
41
Don't mess with anyone in a 'hardcore punk band.' Anyone in a real punk band has probably been dead, or at least a member of the disappeared since circa 1980; anyone involved in [the ghastly] 'hardcore' was never worth knowing, not even the first time around.
The Tinder/Grindr model of human relationship is a brand new worthless thing, one which is a trend that will hopefully disappear within a few years, as trends tend to do. It is unlike most trends—other than, say, those for PCP or crack cocaine—as the 'constant casual' mode is not only trivial and unhelpful, it could easily turn tragic and dangerous. That we are barely two decades from the last devastatingly lethal STD gives no-one the pause it should give absolutely everyone. The next unstoppable mess of fatalities may just be made of microbes that can pass through rubber— it was only luck that stopped HIV. Bizarrely, and bizarrely willfully, we will not be prepared the next time any more than we were the last.
The Tinder/Grindr model of human relationship is a brand new worthless thing, one which is a trend that will hopefully disappear within a few years, as trends tend to do. It is unlike most trends—other than, say, those for PCP or crack cocaine—as the 'constant casual' mode is not only trivial and unhelpful, it could easily turn tragic and dangerous. That we are barely two decades from the last devastatingly lethal STD gives no-one the pause it should give absolutely everyone. The next unstoppable mess of fatalities may just be made of microbes that can pass through rubber— it was only luck that stopped HIV. Bizarrely, and bizarrely willfully, we will not be prepared the next time any more than we were the last.
8
I do not know anything about Grindr, but Tinder is not the hookup only app people make it out to be in my generation (40s). I used it to great effect to meet dating partners over a period of 3-4 months. NONE of them wanted hookups (including me; I made a rule for myself no sex without love sometime ago), and it was a far quicker way of meeting people in terms of hours of effort per first date than the several other personals sites I had tried. After many failures to connect deeply, I have since abandoned it also (it has been almost 2 years now), and pretty much all of dating. I had one nice but ultimately anguishing love experience this past summer, my first in about 4(!) years of on again/off again dating. Dating is fun in the moment, but pointless if it isn’t going to lead anywhere. At this stage of life it is just time to recognize it ain’t gonna happen this go around.
2
This is a very beautifully written piece. I deed like to read it. Bravo for Ali Rachel!
What a name!
What a name!
Sex isn't a shortcut to emotional connection. Emotional connection justifies the health and life-changing potential risks that sex presents to an individual.
Not for nothing have most cultures surrounded sex with sociocultural rituals and expectations. Not for nothing does sex make more sense in a setting of respect and emotional commitment.
Do the connection part first.
Not for nothing have most cultures surrounded sex with sociocultural rituals and expectations. Not for nothing does sex make more sense in a setting of respect and emotional commitment.
Do the connection part first.
32
Thanks for sharing your story, Ali. Try to ignore the harsh comments. They have rights to say what they like. You have rights to write what you like. And by sharing this with us, you make some of us feel less alone in the world. (I, for one, raise my hand!) Keep writing and exploring these sensitive feelings, and may you live a rich and rewarding life, Ali.
27
I think the author is trying to explain that it's becoming increasingly difficult to create personal relationships in a society that is becoming increasingly more individualistic . . . and that Tinder sucks. No one talks on that thing.
12
I can't fathom why this woman would want to publicize her most private feelings and behaviors. Who cares about this stranger? This is a topic for one's psychiatrist and maybe a very, very close friend. But to submit it to the Sunday NY TImes, for all the world to read? Why not publish on Twitter every time you have sex? or breathe? It's just narcissism.
14
Some people feel ashamed and want to hide, and when they see someone who doesn't feel ashamed they take it as a personal affront,
13
In her quest to find reasons for why someone may stop having sex she is completely oblivious to the actual reason why people do not have sex just because they can.
And the reason she does not understand this, is because she feels that having sex in itself is a worthwhile achievement. And this will only be the case for a person for whom sex is so elusive that having sex is the goal itself, such as the writer.
However for a person who has already proved to themselves that they are fully capable of having sex whenever they want, they very quickly realize that having sex is no great achievement, and the only reason to have sex is if it benefits them.
And so the morning after they are not all happy about themselves simply because they had sex. And since that fact is not making them happy, in more cases than not their emotions are not those of happiness and elation but that they would feel much better had the whole thing not happened.
So for people who have had their share of sex the reason that they don't have sex just because they can, even if this means going a while without sex is a basic equation they have learned to make. That before they decide to have sex they tell themselves that the brief physical pleasure they will get from having sex is definitely not worth all of the bad emotional fallout that will result from it. This is not a "reason". This is the natural course of becoming an adult, something that the writer clearly has yet to take.
And the reason she does not understand this, is because she feels that having sex in itself is a worthwhile achievement. And this will only be the case for a person for whom sex is so elusive that having sex is the goal itself, such as the writer.
However for a person who has already proved to themselves that they are fully capable of having sex whenever they want, they very quickly realize that having sex is no great achievement, and the only reason to have sex is if it benefits them.
And so the morning after they are not all happy about themselves simply because they had sex. And since that fact is not making them happy, in more cases than not their emotions are not those of happiness and elation but that they would feel much better had the whole thing not happened.
So for people who have had their share of sex the reason that they don't have sex just because they can, even if this means going a while without sex is a basic equation they have learned to make. That before they decide to have sex they tell themselves that the brief physical pleasure they will get from having sex is definitely not worth all of the bad emotional fallout that will result from it. This is not a "reason". This is the natural course of becoming an adult, something that the writer clearly has yet to take.
20
I am frightened for this generation. For pity's sake.
14
Why did the doctor think it necessary -- or relevant -- to ask why the author abstains from sex?
13
For one, it is a reasonable way to assess risk factors; for example, for STIs. Just like asking if one smokes - it's a behavior that can affect one's health, so it's a reasonable question for a health care provider to ask.
6
So okay. I know lot's of people who don't have sex, either because they don't like it therefore don't want it and that includes lot's of married people. Or, they want it but just not with anyone. So actually this is not new and the so called friends who may think they are helping mean well but aren't too bright. I'm not too sure about the bisexual thing though. If I was on one of the dating sites and a guy said he was bi, I would be really heartbroken if we hooked up and I fell for him and he left me for another guy. Call it a pride thing. Everything is just so complicated anymore.
11
I'm 64 and it's been 23 years, what's my 'prognosis'? Terminally abstaining? In response to a previous poster, it may be that your doctor's pigeonholed diagnosis comes from the missing human contact in a smartphone-hypnotized world. The older I get the less I care about what the world thinks.
18
May I also add, Bravo! that I thought Ms. Pearl's article was excellent, a piece befitting a literary writer and worthy of inclusion in the Times.
9
I forgot to add - a woman who refused to have sex before the marriage was not a virgin because she was married before , it was her second husband
2
There is no such thing as "casual" sex (at least among reasonably emotionally healthy people). All relationships have consequences.
22
There are many people out there who dont have sex. They like sex but there is no a significant other to have sex with. Do not believe to TV that sex with no commitment is OK. Commitment first, sex second. I personally know a woman who refused to have sex before the wedding. She was not a virgin, this is how she was raised. They had sex after they got married. We are too much sex brainwashed because manufacturers want to sell they stuff and add way too much sex into their commercials. And we believe them and go into bed way too early , as a result - men get hurt and women get hurt, and of course, we all blame the opposite sex. Love first, sex second :)
12
For Ali Rachel Pearl ~ Thank you for a gripping, brave, honest, insightful, and beautifully-written article. I hope that the negative comments, which to me seem to stem mainly from jealousy and fear, do not dissuade you from exploring and writing about your life. ~ 65-year-old straight guy.
16
I recommend a visit to Ms. Pearl's website. She is a grand writer and photographer, a surprisingly engaging mix of young college girl and a world-weary traveler. I think we will hear more of her in the future as her literary skills continue to develop.
2
I presume you are a millennial based on the Tinder reference. I'm about a generation older and suspect this is a timeless story. I concur with some of the other comments that people are just not paying attention to others any more. Whether I am at the gym, the store or work, people are on their phones or somewhere else in their personal worlds. Life is meant to live with others. If that involves sex, great. If not, that's OK too.
24
More and more it seems that in today's culture progress is turning life's simple problems into something that can be searched for, and instantly delivered. The chase and the hunt and the wait... Used to yield pages of literature and interesting cultural rites, inspired people to dream with their muses, lead to all kinds of worthy events... Now, we talk about these phases as if they're abnormal, as if someone's market value has plummeted, as if there's something wrong. The sooner we as a culture acknowledge that not everything must happen when we want it to, the better off we'll be. The good news is that this writer has used this trial to connect more meaningfully with others, to acknowledge that intimacy has many forms and to listen to herself without knowing why she feels what she does.
6
Reading this I could only think... but what a concentration on self and sex. And, what kind of friends are so totally interested in Ali's sex life. Isn't that a personal thing? Sure, we share, but isn't this overshare, over-involvement of friends in her personal life? An over-concentration on sex? If she didn't go to class for a year, would her friends harass her? Perhaps? It just seemed like personal musings, better left to herself, and friends who were licking their lips for more lurid details. And, yes, I suppose it is a generational thing, a gap between a different value system, and a concentration of the ego on every moment of one's existence. A bit selfish and certainly very egocentric, enjoying this celebrity of just doing what one wants, though the the pressure of peers seems to be the jump- into- the- bed- with whomever, it's just a load of fun. No repercussions, little joy...it seems, no consequences, (good or bad) and mostly no connection to something real or enduring.
10
I am a man in my 50s who is in a similar situation, at least emotionally. It's been two years since I've had sex because I'm still not over her and probably never will be. (Do I need to explain that "her" is the woman I've never stopped loving and who is now married to another...woman? Sigh.) In any case, I get that "secondary abstinence" can be simply another term for waiting for one's heart to heal and slowly realizing that it never will and that you just somehow go on anyway and connect with other people even though part of you is still waiting....
28
It sounds like your friends are not looking out for your physical or mental health, but instead are trying to push you into meaningless sexual encounters to validate their own promiscuity. Maybe you should get some new friends.
36
Dear "Reader" from New Orleans, and all the other commenters who have been critizing Ms. Pearl, and "youth culture" in general, for their attraction to "meaningless" sex. I'm sorry that all of you have never had just plain fun, or excitement, or pleasure, from a sexual experience, and instead believe that unless sex is "meaningful" (which itself probably means as many different things as there are commenters) it can't be fun, or exciting, or pleasurable -- or worse, that it's somehow bad. Sure, because of its tendency to produce strong emotional reactions, most people need to tread a bit more carefully, but good lord, if we demanded the "meaning" from eating, or reading, or working, or breathing, or whatever, that we do from sex . . . we'd never to anything! Human animals -- most animals -- like genital play. Hurray!
3
Jonathan,
I did not criticize Ms. Pearl, nor do I think your generation invented the one night stand.
Sex outside of relationships has been around as long as sex has been around. The difference today is that people like Ms Pearl are experiencing social pressure to engage in behavior they don't feel comfortable engaging in. I work in women's health and hear it all the time from my young patients. I imagine there are just as many young men who feel like Ms Pearl does as well.
If you were so confident in your decision to engage in meaningless "genital play," why do you get so upset when other people want something more meaningful?
Sex isn't like eating or breathing in that it involves another person, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, being physically intimate with you. That puts you at emotional and physical risk. Many people don't think that risk is worth it with someone who doesn't even know your last name.
I did not criticize Ms. Pearl, nor do I think your generation invented the one night stand.
Sex outside of relationships has been around as long as sex has been around. The difference today is that people like Ms Pearl are experiencing social pressure to engage in behavior they don't feel comfortable engaging in. I work in women's health and hear it all the time from my young patients. I imagine there are just as many young men who feel like Ms Pearl does as well.
If you were so confident in your decision to engage in meaningless "genital play," why do you get so upset when other people want something more meaningful?
Sex isn't like eating or breathing in that it involves another person, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, being physically intimate with you. That puts you at emotional and physical risk. Many people don't think that risk is worth it with someone who doesn't even know your last name.
9
This is well written, Ali Rachel. Screw (not in a good way) the bored and mean cowards who have nothing better to do than make snide comments (and what's the URL for YOUR NYTimes piece, pray?). I'm a 48-year-old woman and straight-married these last 8 years, but through my 20s and 30s I was quite sexually active but also saw some dry spells. Maybe that's all it needs to be. It may seem cliché, but the moment you don't care and you're too busy anyway, some hottie will come along, and then another. And perhaps another. Take a chance and have sex with them, and don't rush to throw away your independence. You're a good writer. I look forward to following your career.
7
Is there anything that can make modern people question their assumptions? Sex is their sole sacrament, but celibate young singles are common. Maybe we're not smart enough to replace traditional cultures and get a way of life worth living. Maybe intoxicated sex with strangers is nothing but deceitful, serial violation - the way it feels - for men and women alike. Maybe ethnic/familial/marital commitment is the way we're supposed to live, and can't effectively be replaced by sexual freedom and ad hoc social joining over the cause of the moment. Maybe we've thrown away everything good and decent about the human about being human to make it easier for young men to have sex without parenthood or commitment, something they have always wanted, and have persuaded women they want the same thing - until they can't, anymore. Maybe it's all just about removing one more level of personal attachment and social institution that stands in the way of the all-powerful central stat, à la 1984, and not really about liberation, at all. Maybe it's just about trying very hard to educate people to be cogs in a very different machine, and really isn't a good-faith social experiment. Otherwise, it's hard to understand how so many intelligent people, who could have had love, loyalty, children and family, chose this instead.
38
Wow, Fred! You said it all!
1
"...but celibate young singles are common."
As the Jesuit informed the playgoers, "Celibate, means unmarried."
As the Jesuit informed the playgoers, "Celibate, means unmarried."
"I quit smoking because it’s bad for you."
nearly all of this article was fluff, but i found this sentence extremely sexy.
nearly all of this article was fluff, but i found this sentence extremely sexy.
9
The broken heart issue is the one issue that can stop sex dead in it's tracks. I am not the free love, free sex, easy hook up gal I thought I was. My broken heart now knows a different story. This is going on in my life and in the life of friends. I know, intellectually, that allowing a new sex partner without love, would be a step in the right direction. I fantasize about doing that. I sometimes put on my best "fake it til you make it" attitude and set out to engage in a night of fun sex. It never happens. I can't make it happen. This is not the way I used to deal with a broken heart. I used to dust myself off and move on. Perhaps in this age of being connected through technology, that rare human connection is so much more powerful and hard to get over when lost.
30
absolutely beautiful piece. yes, the content is timely, and with nearly 300 comments, many readers relate to it, but what i loved was the sound of the words and emotions when read out loud.
6
How about being 70 and divorced as a reason!
3
But, hey, Katherine, 70 is the new 35.....isn't it?
1
Ali, come to Santa Barbara and we can enjoy a glorious romp, conversation and research on this oh-so-amazing topic which baffles the sexes, and will continue to do so ad infinitum. I, too, no longer use alcohol.
Sean: [email protected]
Sean: [email protected]
1
Am I the only disturbed by the invasive questions she was asked in order to refill her birth control script?
14
I have to agree with Econ from Portland's advice: leave academia (unless you're just about to get your degree). Academia provides an artificial feeling of being sheltered from the world, while it actually limits your opportunities for growth and for meeting people. Most people do not live an intellectual life, even those of us who are intellectually trained. I believe you need to break out of the intellectual mold to find what you want.
Your reading and writing skills will be appreciated in almost any paid or unpaid position, and contribute to your self-respect and possibly your self-understanding. You will then be in a position to understand and share the feelings of people you meet, which will make it easier to connect at whatever level you want. You may not find a leader of a punk band, but you may find that many people had similar aspirations once and are just as interesting. However, I believe your being in school contributes to your not finding them.
Your reading and writing skills will be appreciated in almost any paid or unpaid position, and contribute to your self-respect and possibly your self-understanding. You will then be in a position to understand and share the feelings of people you meet, which will make it easier to connect at whatever level you want. You may not find a leader of a punk band, but you may find that many people had similar aspirations once and are just as interesting. However, I believe your being in school contributes to your not finding them.
3
I've had my fair share of heartbreak over my lifetime. But I couldn't help but thinking while reading this article, that I have been truly blessed. I've also known great and incredible love. And all sorts of different relationships on the spectrum in between. And in inextricably mixed into the love, loss and friendship there's always been sex. Like the primal ebb and flow of the tides, it's always been there to carry me on. To enjoy. To get wrapped up in. To frustrate me with the elusivity of its best incarnation. As a means of deepening bonds...or as a means of saying goodbye and setting such bonds aside. I look at it as part of the fabric of my life. I think a lot of problems with sex come in when people are looking at it as a singular end in and of itself. Thereby ignoring what makes it important to begin with: ie the dance between the people involved.
19
This girl is a bisexual. No offence, but in my opinion, maybe that problem has to be solved first before she is talking about anything else.
3
Ummmm.....maybe you're the one with the problem?
4
On the other hand, as Woody Allen once put it, "It doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
3
Why is her being bisexual a problem that has to be solved?
1
And now toss in here the yes mean yes rules in California, and no one will ever have sex ever!
5
Apparently I am not the only person who tracked down the writer's Facebook page. She has announced that she will NOT make contact with any strangers who message her. Pity; she might find some great connections with LA-area men and women who are smart enough and engaged enough to read the New York Times.
7
Am in the middle of an unwanted breakup that for me is heartbreaking and I fear that I am about to experience a similar unwanted time of abstinence. She is young, fit and beautiful. I have been spoiled by such and fear that i will be too picky. I do not like it. But even more, I do not like the loss of love and companionship I have had for five years. Momma never told me there would be days like this. To summarize, life can be much tougher than most of us ever thought it would be.
7
Well written!
The writer turns down a promising Tinder match because the man is in Long Beach (California) and she decides that's too far to travel for sex. Hellooo! The writer goes to USC; Long Beach is 25 miles away on the 110 and 405, a 35 minute drive. Go for it!
3
I've taken a Greyhound bus across the country to have sex. She should definitely go for it.
3
Wow. Beautiful. Haunting and sad, but not just for you, Rachel, for the others like you that are a breath away and will also, somehow, fail to find the key to reaching out.
But you are a hell of a writer. And as is the case far too often, we the readers are left to reap the benefits of your misfortune. Plus ca change...
But you are a hell of a writer. And as is the case far too often, we the readers are left to reap the benefits of your misfortune. Plus ca change...
5
I've had several hookups where the sex was great immediately, and the person became a lover, and then a lifelong friend.
2
Imagine Elaine May reading this out loud, it's hilarious.
The cascade of the personal pronoun, the self-seriousness,
"Love is a leaky boat"? C'mon, NYT's.
The cascade of the personal pronoun, the self-seriousness,
"Love is a leaky boat"? C'mon, NYT's.
11
I was brought up in a family in which the motto was [the not so original, but sensible] "Live and let live." If this is how Ms. Pearl chooses to live her life, who are we to judge--either positively or negatively. It's her choice, not ours.
6
Sex is a way to form a connection with another person. Sex is one of the strongest natural instincts one possesses. To quit having sex is akin to going cold turkey with alcohol. Sex is the most powerful natural drug one can experience especially conducted with the right partner. Sex in some ways trumps all other desires for everything else is a distraction.
4
Laura -- a reader -- commented: "I read once long ago that one of the most damaging things to the human soul is sex without love."
And how do you grow love? Not through falling into bed for what I call "toothbrush sex" -- it's as meaningful (though not as healthy) as brushing your teeth -- but through getting to know someone over weeks and months of frequent non-sexual interaction. For some of us, especially the walking wounded who have survived traumatic times, love is the necessary prequel to sex, and if we do not meet a loving person, we will not have sex. Simple as that.
And how do you grow love? Not through falling into bed for what I call "toothbrush sex" -- it's as meaningful (though not as healthy) as brushing your teeth -- but through getting to know someone over weeks and months of frequent non-sexual interaction. For some of us, especially the walking wounded who have survived traumatic times, love is the necessary prequel to sex, and if we do not meet a loving person, we will not have sex. Simple as that.
20
Well said. These days it seems this way of thinking is flipped on its head. Women, at least the ones I meet, think if you don't have sex with them right away there must be something wrong.
1
It would be far more interesting if those commenting stated their approximate age - identical statements coming from a 25 year old and a 55 year old have different meanings and consequences in this (or most any) context.
As for Ms. Pearl's issue, I've lived in Los Angeles for 45 years, and it would be difficult to find a more shallow environment to make a connection of any sort, with New York City coming a close second.
As for Ms. Pearl's issue, I've lived in Los Angeles for 45 years, and it would be difficult to find a more shallow environment to make a connection of any sort, with New York City coming a close second.
10
Google's definition of "secondary abstaining" shows how we make excuses for what is likely an underlying condition: fear.
When I speak to a stranger in public in the presence of my 21-year-old daughter, her response is: "Dad, what are you doing? Nobody does that anymore."
In today's world, the Internet and more specifically, smartphones, have "connected" us while at the same time allowing us to maintain a safe distance. But the definition of "safe" has changed. We are, frankly, way out of practice in the art of communication with one-another. A disappearing sex life is just a symptom of a much bigger social ill. People are avoiding connection in the first place because they've forgotten how to do it. Fear has guided us down a road of diminishing returns.
When I speak to a stranger in public in the presence of my 21-year-old daughter, her response is: "Dad, what are you doing? Nobody does that anymore."
In today's world, the Internet and more specifically, smartphones, have "connected" us while at the same time allowing us to maintain a safe distance. But the definition of "safe" has changed. We are, frankly, way out of practice in the art of communication with one-another. A disappearing sex life is just a symptom of a much bigger social ill. People are avoiding connection in the first place because they've forgotten how to do it. Fear has guided us down a road of diminishing returns.
17
You've got plenty of time and one day, maybe when you have to stop the 3 year old from playing with the dog's water bowl while you keep the baby from rolling off the changing table, you are going to realize that this piece was simply silly. But not now. Not yet. You'be got lots of time for that.
4
The writer's priorities seem well placed: Pursue the Ph.D., not the hookup. There's only one thing pitiable than secondary abstinence, and that's an A.B.D. in English.
18
Stories are what make us human, we love those than seem authentic, even more if sad and impossibly tender by unavailable time and distance, the so called 'skin-to-skin experience. If we could state, and not just incidentally, that the most powerful sexual organ that helps distribute its wealth is our brain, perhaps not all is lost. And to the lost soul seeking companionship, rough and tender, where one's identity gets fused with the other, is a never-ending goal, worth pursuing in spite of the suffering, and perhaps because of it. As they say, it is preferable to have lived and suffer than not to have lived at all to avoid it (love implies am all- out proposition, and suffering a given at some point in time...and space).
4
And then there are those of us who are in a relationship with someone who suffers from chronic ED, therefore resulting in abstinence, because emotionally said-partner just gets far too upset to be sexual.
I do not for one second judge anyone who enjoys casual sex, if it is completely consensual. I wish I had engaged in more of it. I am of an age where it's a 50/50 chance ED is an issue. Rats.
I do not for one second judge anyone who enjoys casual sex, if it is completely consensual. I wish I had engaged in more of it. I am of an age where it's a 50/50 chance ED is an issue. Rats.
11
We're a strange bunch, we naked apes. I suppose that's what's meant by "...things change, but everything stays the same." And I'm still having trouble with the theory of relativity! Emotions can really be a pain in the ...
6
My "secondary" box is checked too. A wife who left, living far and away, still friends. But without the legal disconnect, I am thrown in to a cast (by women) as untouchable as the lowest of the low as are those in the Indian subcontinent. And I still feel a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from her departure, dealing with my emotions towards friends sympathetic to my situation but whom I secretly think they are saying: Move on, you're not getting any younger. They're right.
7
The guy who says his marriage has ended, but who isn't actually divorced? Yep--untouchable. Has. Not. Moved. On. You would feel the same way if you met a woman who told you she wanted to get involved with you, but was still married to her ex. Cut the cord and free yourself. None of us is getting any younger.
3
The only thing that's unusual about this is that your friends bug you about not having had sex in a while. What's up with that? Are you writing from inside a sitcom? I don't have much sex either but my friends have literally never shown any concern about this; they know I'm busy, it's hard to meet people, I don't enjoy casual sex. Maybe you would feel less weird about your abstention if you had friends who were less annoying about it.
38
Life is too short to be so messed up...deal with your old baggage and then leave it at the airport and move on.
7
I think some of us just don't belong in this crazy hookup culture! I am not at all religious, but sex is significant to me. I have had a couple of casual partners because I felt like it would be fun, or it was something I was supposed to do, but I end up feeling a little empty or wistful afterwards. I don't need to be married, but I need to feel like there is a pretty serious connection there in order to enjoy sex.
51
Ah, so many compliments can be offered to the author of such an insightful article. While reading, thoughts arose of my own experiences. I am "now old", meaning a lengthy past, yet still desire being seen, courted, intimate, loved.
So, thank you for an early morning moment of clarity.
So, thank you for an early morning moment of clarity.
11
I enjoyed the comments more than the article.
16
Ali,
This is very beautifully written.
This is very beautifully written.
4
I'm much older but I so identify. I just don't know how to do it in the age of online dating. I doubt I'll ever get laid again.
5
The fact that you seem to only view women as only existing to satisfy your sexual wants is the problem. If you only focus on "getting laid" you are going to end up lonely and emotionally vacant.
1
We evolved to have sex, frequently and not necessarily with the same partner. Yet, in our society, sex outside of a long-term relationship is frequently stigmatized. The result is an irreconcilable choice.
6
You've got an honest heart, and it's hooked up with sex (what an amazing idea).
3
"Tinder"??
Put that thing down, please!
Put that thing down, please!
18
Seems like there is a new type of sexual or gender identity every day. In the future, everyone will have their own separate and utterly original sexual designation. What a bore, though.
Maybe you're just broken-hearted. Maybe you're old enough and wise enough to know that sex isn't everything. Maybe you believe that sex and love are different.
Sexual identity: a romantic.
Maybe you're just broken-hearted. Maybe you're old enough and wise enough to know that sex isn't everything. Maybe you believe that sex and love are different.
Sexual identity: a romantic.
21
Nature has wired women to bond with their sexual partners because of the release of oxytocin. Hookups and recreational sex generally aren't safe for women emotionally because of this fact. That's why it's important to go slow and build a relationship first. Taking things slowly allows safety and the trust needed to nurture love, vulnerability, and authenticity to take root. Treat sex like a commodity and usually hurt follows. So savor the experience of getting to know someone before having sex. And value the other the way you want to be valued.
42
Not just women, even men bond with the release of oxytocin. There was a very popular modern love column published many months ago which said all you had to do was look in someone's eyes for a few moments (I forget how many minutes) and you and the subject of your intent and intense stare would fall in love with you.
6
I have found this changes over time. Older men (40+) are often seeking for emotional connection first, and women over 40, for an outlet for their crazed hormones.
All these choices are acceptable. No one is worse than any other.
All these choices are acceptable. No one is worse than any other.
3
Back in the '60s everyone was having sex with everyone else. Sometimes there was love, mostly there was a lot of like, often there was just heat or the desire to have a good time. I expect that that's the way it's always been and always will be. The difference between then and now is we didn't label ourselves, we didn't fry our brains thinking too much about it and we certainly didn't over-share about it. Confining sex to a lifetime love relationship when you're young is a prison. It's great to settle down but it's also great to sow your oats when you can.
16
Go beyond a focus on sex. Seek out the life long mate God has identified specifically for you.
8
But first finish that dissertation, take the silk and get on somewhere.
2
Which God do you recommend? I could use some guidance also.
Reads to me like you have a lot of sex, at least in your head. Perhaps that not-having-sex-sex, but regardless, I'd imagine you are tired. Take a nap.
5
While you are waiting (or working out) how and when to have sex next, you should at least ditch those friends and get some new ones. They sound terrible.
15
I sympathize with the author.
Im a 25 year old male, and have been traveling abroad for the past 3 months. The unused package of ten condoms I bought within 24 hours of touching down in Stockholm still sits sadly at the bottom of my suitcase, serving only as a reminder of what I try to not see as some kind of failure on my part.
I'm in Europe for heavens sake! What an opportunity to sow my wild oats! To take a risk!
Or so the conventional wisdom goes.
But hooking up is difficult. And being abroad makes it even harder. The road from "Como te llama?" to passionate sex with a dark, beautiful Spaniard has been only navigable in the fantasy that follows once the opportunity has passed me by.
And so I try to balance between the undeniable validation I would feel at successfully seducing a beautiful Spaniard, and the undeniable desire I feel for a more genuine connection. Am I too scared? Am I ashamed? Do I just not want it enough? Am I rationalizing this desire away in order to protect myself?
It's difficult to know for certain, and surely tinder doesn't help.
Im a 25 year old male, and have been traveling abroad for the past 3 months. The unused package of ten condoms I bought within 24 hours of touching down in Stockholm still sits sadly at the bottom of my suitcase, serving only as a reminder of what I try to not see as some kind of failure on my part.
I'm in Europe for heavens sake! What an opportunity to sow my wild oats! To take a risk!
Or so the conventional wisdom goes.
But hooking up is difficult. And being abroad makes it even harder. The road from "Como te llama?" to passionate sex with a dark, beautiful Spaniard has been only navigable in the fantasy that follows once the opportunity has passed me by.
And so I try to balance between the undeniable validation I would feel at successfully seducing a beautiful Spaniard, and the undeniable desire I feel for a more genuine connection. Am I too scared? Am I ashamed? Do I just not want it enough? Am I rationalizing this desire away in order to protect myself?
It's difficult to know for certain, and surely tinder doesn't help.
21
You sound adorable. I suggest you stay out of your head and feel how attractive you are! I am 60 and love sex, had much with young men when i was your age. It is the most important juice for health and well-being at all ages. Don't over think it, just feel. Am sure you will have lots of adventures and maybe meet a special European beauty and have an affair! And yes, stay away from your cell phone, look up a
8
Would you really feel good about yourself for "seducing" a woman; that is, in all likelihood lying about your intentions, possibly getting her drunk to lower her inhibitions, putting her at risk for unwanted pregnancy, putting yourselves both at risk for STDs. In other words, is the only way to feel good about yourself is to count your conquests?
Please focus on being a gentleman: someone who is willing to be emotionally vulnerable and take care of someone else when required, who is willing to put his own sexual needs aside to make a woman feel as if she is worth waiting for, and quite simply be open to love.
Please don't pressure yourself and others to use women as convenient benchmarks to make yourself feel more powerful and "manly." It's not.
Please focus on being a gentleman: someone who is willing to be emotionally vulnerable and take care of someone else when required, who is willing to put his own sexual needs aside to make a woman feel as if she is worth waiting for, and quite simply be open to love.
Please don't pressure yourself and others to use women as convenient benchmarks to make yourself feel more powerful and "manly." It's not.
Sexual expression is as important as emotional and verbal expression. It's what makes us human. It is rooted in communication as much as the hard wiring roots it in procreation. One doesn't need to be promiscuous or give it away to every person they meet, but a healthy balance is the goal. As a guy, I've never slept around. I've certainly had one night stands yet few and far. I believe sex is special and I mostly refrain from giving it to anyone simply because I'd like to share it with someone special that I hope to find. Not all guys are the mostly untrue stereotype that our culture has poisoned men and women to believe; men are dumb, sexually insatiable beasts. It's insulting. Some of us do think, feel truthfully and respect the gift of sex.
25
I've never slept around...I've certainly had one night stands...
There's no contradiction here.....? Or just the simple male viewpoint/definition...??
There's no contradiction here.....? Or just the simple male viewpoint/definition...??
Beautifully expressed and written. I hope the author is considering a career as a novelist.
12
40 years ago in college, I read right past these words of wisdom. Now that I'm single and dating again, they make more sense than ever.
“Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.”
Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
“Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.”
Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
58
That's the last thing I expected in the comments, a Kerouac quote! Jack wrote some tender, meaningful sentences, but his own life was really messed-up.
3
I have one comment for Ms. Pearl-pursuing her PhD-in CA no less--who do you actually think gives a hoot about your sex life and why do you feel compelled to share this with the world's NYT readers? Many of the things wrong with our self-absorbed current society and the new millennials that will inherit our world are illustrated right here in this article. I only read it thinking I might inform myself more about Tinder, something my daughter has mentioned she watches her friends engage in and thinks is stupid. Hopefully something I did in raising her may have influenced her thinking. I wonder what Ms. Pearl's parents or her future children might think of her article.
39
I'm always one to scream, "ugh... entitlement!" but I think you've missed the mark here. All she did was write about her own personal experience and relationships. Some people can relate, some can't. No need to be judgemental about something just because you don't understand it.
36
Oh Mr. Shakespeare, why do you think that anyone gives a hoot about the love life of that young couple whose families disapprove of their relationship? Why should anyone dare to write any kind of narrative about anyone's life, real or fictional?
29
In fact, why would I want to hear about anyone's life story other than my own? I hate all those narcissists out there.
27
Hormones in birth control pills are excreted into sewers and, from there, into streams and rivers, thus feminizing and messing up aquatic life.
This is seldom reported or thought about.
This is seldom reported or thought about.
29
And what about those of us that eat fish?....
What an accurate description of the life of some sexless people. I identify with the authors feelings, almost to a T. "She is far away, I don't want to drive" or "It is late and I have to work tomorrow" are two of my favorite cop-outs... I chuckled when I read the ladys "sometimes I love" choices:) I identify with that way more than I should. I feel like I am half in love with a few of my friends as well. Ah life! How interesting it can be. Thank you for this refreshing article and reminding me know that there are many of us out there:)
20
For me having sex with a woman has always felt significant. Kind of like we bonded for a short time in our lives. And for the remainder of my life I would have the memory, and would always feel positive towards her. And, BTW, "..Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old time is still a-flying ..."
15
I wouldn't re-do my 20s for all the tea in China.
15
So, are we having fun yet? Or are we all forced to be so danged busy and so darned correct in everything that it's not even allowed anymore? especially since it could come back to bite us, years down the road, in this age of (anti)social media?
Ever get the idea that George Orwell is turning out to have been an optimist?
Jes' sayin', as we say down heah in the South, where at least comfort food that's not trendy and expensive hasn't been banned. Yet.
Ever get the idea that George Orwell is turning out to have been an optimist?
Jes' sayin', as we say down heah in the South, where at least comfort food that's not trendy and expensive hasn't been banned. Yet.
6
A 36 year old female friend recently told me, "There's never been more sex and less love in the world."
16
I don't want to be unkind to the author. It takes a certain amount of something I don't possess to parade intimate details of your foibles to the universe. Sometimes I think it's unfortunate that having that something often seems to coincide with not having a whole lot to say, sort of like those pictures of what's on your plate for lunch, but what do I know.
I came away from this piece thinking the author just doesn't understand that she's not really into sex. There's a detached, wholly unsensual aspect to the writing that makes me wonder why she's making an issue of it. I see no sex drive here; all the passion is other-directed. It seems everyone in her life is hot for her to have sex and perplexed that she's not. I get the same reaction from chocoholics when I allow that I can take it or leave it, so I understand.
It does makes me miss that salty older gal who's triumphed over a host of adversities that would sideline a less spunky, sexually connected person, and remains revved and ready to go. I'm always slightly awed by her drive and her candor.
I came away from this piece thinking the author just doesn't understand that she's not really into sex. There's a detached, wholly unsensual aspect to the writing that makes me wonder why she's making an issue of it. I see no sex drive here; all the passion is other-directed. It seems everyone in her life is hot for her to have sex and perplexed that she's not. I get the same reaction from chocoholics when I allow that I can take it or leave it, so I understand.
It does makes me miss that salty older gal who's triumphed over a host of adversities that would sideline a less spunky, sexually connected person, and remains revved and ready to go. I'm always slightly awed by her drive and her candor.
8
May I suggest that if you don't want to be unkind, you should not be unkind? Seems pretty straightforward.
1
I think the difference is that she craves sex within a committed relationship not casual sex with (near) strangers. In general women crave intimacy more than just the physical acts of sex. I'm not at all surprised about her misery. If she finds true love in a committed relationship I'm sure things will turn around for her completely.
The idea that you have never had sex sober with a new partner speaks volumes on issues you feel don't exists. Maybe you should start there.
40
Maybe a good massage is better than inebriation for gently sparkling the desired outcome
2
yeah really!
Half a bottle of bourbon!!
Half a bottle of bourbon!!
1
Yes, the drinking issue stood out to me too. A half a bottle of bourbon is a lot to drink, so it looks like she really needed to get soused before she was willing to have sex with that photographer fellow.
She seems to have a confused relationship to sex (doesn't understand why she is abstaining, doesn't know which gender she prefers, doesn't know why she gets drunk before sex). The fact that she can have sex sober after the first time with a new person may indicate that she is mainly fearful about having sex with strangers (which makes sense, from a personal safety point of view). Maybe she is abstaining from sex because she is subconscious trying to prevent herself from engaging in sexual activity (i.e. sex with strangers) that is frightening to her.
She seems to have a confused relationship to sex (doesn't understand why she is abstaining, doesn't know which gender she prefers, doesn't know why she gets drunk before sex). The fact that she can have sex sober after the first time with a new person may indicate that she is mainly fearful about having sex with strangers (which makes sense, from a personal safety point of view). Maybe she is abstaining from sex because she is subconscious trying to prevent herself from engaging in sexual activity (i.e. sex with strangers) that is frightening to her.
4
Yeah, stick it out. It's much more fun to get to know someone really well prior. Most are too impatient to wait.
4
So this is how the 21st century is going to play out.
Disappointing. I hoped for more.
Disappointing. I hoped for more.
6
Sex, like marriage, sports, money, popularity, and physical beauty, are very similar in this respect: there's big winners, big losers, and everything in between.
I think it's pretty clear where this author lands on that spectrum.
I think it's pretty clear where this author lands on that spectrum.
3
I fell in love and cried and smiled reading your story. Please write more. There is at least one thing that's not secondary in your life, I think.
2
Wow. What a candid, amazing article. Thank you.
3
Excellent article. I enjoyed reading it.
1
I enjoyed reading this.
But I think the author is fooling herself if she really believes that she's not the one driving this no sex situation in her life. She just stands on the sidelines waiting for the other person to make the move. That sounds like fear of rejection—which can have a lot of different causes, all of them needing attention if a person wants to have real relationships of give and take, with or without sex.
I know from my own experience and having to learn to face uncomfortable truths, and from observing others, that when you always have people in your life who won't commit to you, won't make the first move, it feels like you're not the one making any choices but that isn't true at all.
At a deeper level we sense people who are unavailable or won't commit and if we’re afraid of rejection we're drawn to them. We choose them. It's not a conscious choice but it’s a choice and the challenge is to get conscious and deal with the fear so we can make different choices. If we don’t, nothing changes. Life doesn’t miraculously rescue us from facing ourselves.
Therapy’s quite a good option!
But I think the author is fooling herself if she really believes that she's not the one driving this no sex situation in her life. She just stands on the sidelines waiting for the other person to make the move. That sounds like fear of rejection—which can have a lot of different causes, all of them needing attention if a person wants to have real relationships of give and take, with or without sex.
I know from my own experience and having to learn to face uncomfortable truths, and from observing others, that when you always have people in your life who won't commit to you, won't make the first move, it feels like you're not the one making any choices but that isn't true at all.
At a deeper level we sense people who are unavailable or won't commit and if we’re afraid of rejection we're drawn to them. We choose them. It's not a conscious choice but it’s a choice and the challenge is to get conscious and deal with the fear so we can make different choices. If we don’t, nothing changes. Life doesn’t miraculously rescue us from facing ourselves.
Therapy’s quite a good option!
13
I would agree with you except that you are clearly quite a bit older than the author. The dating world has changed significantly from when you were her age. This is a huge amount of pressure put on women by men to have sex immediately upon meeting them (a.ka. the 3 date rule). This is reinforced through social media constantly (anyone see a movie lately where the romantic leads didn't jump into bed before they even knew what kinds of foods the other person liked?). And it sure sounds like the guys in her life are making the first move though usually the wrong one.
Most young men today don't want to commit because they have the entire buffet available to them; something that didn't exist not so long ago. Her value system is obviously not aligned with the men's and is feeling the cognitive dissonance. She is hardly the only woman to feel this way today.
Most young men today don't want to commit because they have the entire buffet available to them; something that didn't exist not so long ago. Her value system is obviously not aligned with the men's and is feeling the cognitive dissonance. She is hardly the only woman to feel this way today.
good god thank you! I could have written this. We are not alone. Beautiful piece.
14
I think that sex with a stranger can be OK, sex with someone you like is better, and sex with someone you love is best.
I also think some sex is usually better than no sex, but sex and love and relationships and human behavior and psychology can be complicated, and we often don't know why we do what we do. Also that it takes 2 to tango, which is why my son says football is "better" (or easier) than sex. You just have to turn on the TV.
I also think some sex is usually better than no sex, but sex and love and relationships and human behavior and psychology can be complicated, and we often don't know why we do what we do. Also that it takes 2 to tango, which is why my son says football is "better" (or easier) than sex. You just have to turn on the TV.
5
I don't get any either. I tell myself that in NYC you can't find anybody good, unless maybe you are rich or terrific looking. But when I think about it I am not really trying.
All of my previous relationships turned bad and most of them left me with a nasty aftertaste. I tell myself I am different now and could do better. I believe this in my head but I guess not in my gut.
All of my previous relationships turned bad and most of them left me with a nasty aftertaste. I tell myself I am different now and could do better. I believe this in my head but I guess not in my gut.
10
The writer associates love with loss, intimacy with impossibility. Thinking you know the outcome in advance, predicts just that outcome.
It takes two people, and it's always a risk. Open up. You need to jump off the cliff and sew your parachute on the way down.
It takes two people, and it's always a risk. Open up. You need to jump off the cliff and sew your parachute on the way down.
10
To say "Really, I didn't think of that..." as my right hand touches here warm hip and pulls her closer, her head bends down, I smell sweet fragrances, we embrace in total silence in the roar of hormones and synapse interactions. Hands reach for hands, body's collide and the eternal dance begins again.......
Signed (The Moth Drawn to the Flame)
Signed (The Moth Drawn to the Flame)
2
I would give anything to read an Elmore Leonard Modern Love column. Or one by Raymond Chandler, even. Jackie Collins would've been fun.
I get it. You want love before you have sex. You want a deeper connection. Most of us do. You're normal. (Except for the fact that you're paying to get a liberal arts doctorate at USC.)
I get it. You want love before you have sex. You want a deeper connection. Most of us do. You're normal. (Except for the fact that you're paying to get a liberal arts doctorate at USC.)
4
I earned a liberal arts doctorate at USC. Alma mater paid me to pursue that degree, and I've made millions with it. Had some great sex while I was in the program. Have I dashed enough of your sad, snarky stereotypes?
3
Wow,
I feel like I can relate to every word in this story, although all the details could not be more different in my life.
So, after dancing this crazy dance for way too many years I married the sweetest, kindest, most caring and considerate man in the world. He does not have a PhD and he rarely talks about himself, the only books he reads are those to the kids. He is from Brazil, and makes passionate love to me up, down, left, right and sideways, before breakfast, on his lunch hour, after shopping, taking the kids to soccer or the library, after fixing the car, while I am sleeping at night...let me count the ways. It's been 14 years.
For him, and seemingly everyone in his country, this is just normal, "what da mammals like us doo honey," he once replied to a query about why he loved to make love so much.
Instead of wasting a lifetime trying to figure out what the problem is here, you may want to consider travel to a "simpler" place....
I feel like I can relate to every word in this story, although all the details could not be more different in my life.
So, after dancing this crazy dance for way too many years I married the sweetest, kindest, most caring and considerate man in the world. He does not have a PhD and he rarely talks about himself, the only books he reads are those to the kids. He is from Brazil, and makes passionate love to me up, down, left, right and sideways, before breakfast, on his lunch hour, after shopping, taking the kids to soccer or the library, after fixing the car, while I am sleeping at night...let me count the ways. It's been 14 years.
For him, and seemingly everyone in his country, this is just normal, "what da mammals like us doo honey," he once replied to a query about why he loved to make love so much.
Instead of wasting a lifetime trying to figure out what the problem is here, you may want to consider travel to a "simpler" place....
23
You bring up a good point; most young women like the author here don't admit they are restricting "who they sleep with" to potential mates who are high status -- other PhDs, highly educated white professionals, etc. It is a very restricted group, and because of this, the people in it are very snooty and hard to please.
She could expand the numbers of potential mates a thousand fold, if she looked outside of her "comfort zone" to the millions of men (or women) out there who are not academics, or white professionals. (But she won't. Status is really, really important.)
She could expand the numbers of potential mates a thousand fold, if she looked outside of her "comfort zone" to the millions of men (or women) out there who are not academics, or white professionals. (But she won't. Status is really, really important.)
1
I recently spent a weekend with a friend and we did not have sex. And it was amongst the best weekends I have spent with any woman in my life. And while the intimacy we shared will recede and we will become stranger to each other or at least distant, perhaps that is the point. The journey closer to a person can be the richest kind, as long as the destination is not reached. Lovely piece Ms. Pearl.
8
I do not understand the question, "Why don't you have sex?" As if sex is offered a-la carte in a fast relationship express bar. Yes, well, that is a one night stand, I guess. But sex is never (or should never be) "just sex." It degrades and denies what should be an honest and true connection. I am not saying every sexual experience has to be a cosmic-gasm -- but it should be a true connection. Otherwise you have two people - flesh against flesh - for what? Isn't that what vibrators are for? @johannaclear PS. I have not had "sex" since 2008. And I am also Bi. And I am not a-sexual. I have not had a true connection with someone and so, and hence, therefore.
12
The conditions under which you want to have sex, or not, are particular to you, not to sex. You are going to wait a long time to make a true connection with anyone if you go about proclaiming your personal preferences as some sort of objective moral standard, because as stated they clearly doesn't include room for anyone else's point of view.
9
Your best hope is that you outgrow the need to share your introspection. Place yourself, psychologically speaking, in the midst of 7 billion people. Whom among them would choose to contemplate your personal rumination a on your own sex life? How about focusing instead on the world around you? I think that you will experience a gradual separation from the desire to "share."
32
The best you should hope for is that you outgrow your self-absorption. Place yourself in the midst, psychologically speaking, of 7 billion people: Whom among that group is interested in your personal anxieties concerning sex? Or your wall-flower-ness? Or whom you might "love" but not not have sex with? Please, for a while, try living an unshared life.
23
"Place yourself in the midst, psychologically speaking, of 7 billion people: Whom among that group is interested in your personal anxieties ...."
You were interested enough to read the column and to comment. As were 160 others. The article spoke to some, irritated some, and sparked a spirited conversation in this online community. Not bad. Perhaps you should outgrow your narrow minded belief that only those things you think of as important merit space in the New York Times "Fashion and Style" section.
You were interested enough to read the column and to comment. As were 160 others. The article spoke to some, irritated some, and sparked a spirited conversation in this online community. Not bad. Perhaps you should outgrow your narrow minded belief that only those things you think of as important merit space in the New York Times "Fashion and Style" section.
2
Who, not 'whom,' is interested etc. etc.
1
Fer cryin' out loud, Long Beach isn't too far....it is just 'down the Blue line.
8
No
There is a long beach in CA
There is a long beach in CA
It is too far. Kentucky is safer.
What a thoroughly magnificent piece of writing! .Something only the high-speed collision of practiced prose and aching autobiography could forge.
There are people in the world with whom one just KNOWS they would relish
There are people in the world with whom one just KNOWS they would relish
6
Judging from the popularity of the comments above there are more people in the world (who read The Times) who I KNOW I wouldn't like.
Reading the comments anywhere is more then sufficient to reinforce my misanthropy.
She's in her mid-20's for God's sake. Give her a break!
15
Proof that sex for its own sake is indeed empty.
9
So earnest, almost melancholy, and dramatic and yet so 16 years old as well.
23
Thank you so much for this article. A truly beautiful piece for it's insightful honesty.
5
I don't think any other previous modern love column has received as much response from male readers as this one. Wonder what was in this column which touched the cord with the male readers? Writing in this piece is good, but the part about friends pressuring her to do something she didn't want to doesn't appear authentic. Maybe her friends are like her lovers and her own self --- not really looking or caring for what her soul and heart really aches for. The last line will only appeal to the very young. It is mawkish and cliche.
11
The cord it touched is the one that becomes exhausted due to pretentiousness.
1
It's dull and repetitive
I loved the last line and I think it is true.
Perhaps hold out for a connection that has something good, real, human, actual, at least some meaning beyond just itself. Sex in a vacuum may be a current trend and has its pleaures for sure, but seems to me to be the thinnest possible human sexual experience in a place where 'thicker', personally richer, makes it better.
8
Great article! I think the issue here is more of a societal change, in that Americans' are now freely talking about sex. We are talking about it's function and chemical makeup and how to get off, like a teenager first would.
But the romance of it is what suffers, it's gone. It's no longer exciting and makes one's hair stand on end. The dating apps are definitely not helping as they contribute to sex without romance. Romance needs to be brought back, otherwise sex just meh.
Also I'm older and feel the same, nothing to do with age.
But the romance of it is what suffers, it's gone. It's no longer exciting and makes one's hair stand on end. The dating apps are definitely not helping as they contribute to sex without romance. Romance needs to be brought back, otherwise sex just meh.
Also I'm older and feel the same, nothing to do with age.
9
I love the writing style and the honesty...I think most people go thru these "awkward" periods between relationships...I had a gap of a couple years in my twenties where I tried too hard to meet girls in bars/clubs and it just didn't work - like you really do have to try NOT to meet someone and it will happen. its frustrating but that's love sometimes.
12
A sad, beautiful essay.
"No man is an island." ?
No, we're all islands. How impossible to understand the mystery of another person.
"No man is an island." ?
No, we're all islands. How impossible to understand the mystery of another person.
11
I'm not sure if there was creative embellishment in this account, but as described the conversation with the random doctor creeps me out. The pill is hormonal therapy and can't simply be given out like M 'n' Ms -- I understand that -- but what right does this doc have to quiz on the intricacies of her sex life?
Potential reasons why the Pill should not be continued primarily relate to side-effects such as increase in blood pressure, increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, etc. That has nothing to do with the (forgive me) ins and outs of who you are having sex with, and how often.
Why is it a dude can walk into any grocery store and grab condoms without interrogation, but a woman cannot secure the equivalent for herself without periodically getting quizzed like this?
(I'm a woman.)
Potential reasons why the Pill should not be continued primarily relate to side-effects such as increase in blood pressure, increased risk of deep vein thrombosis, etc. That has nothing to do with the (forgive me) ins and outs of who you are having sex with, and how often.
Why is it a dude can walk into any grocery store and grab condoms without interrogation, but a woman cannot secure the equivalent for herself without periodically getting quizzed like this?
(I'm a woman.)
22
Because the pill contains hormones that may cause serious health effects. A condom at worst will rarely cause skin irritation.
Men and women, by definition, do not have bodies that are identical. But I personally would welcome a pill that might grant ME some choice over whether or not I sire children.
Why is it that the only "choices" men have are a sheet of latex, or irreversible (usually) surgery?
Men and women, by definition, do not have bodies that are identical. But I personally would welcome a pill that might grant ME some choice over whether or not I sire children.
Why is it that the only "choices" men have are a sheet of latex, or irreversible (usually) surgery?
11
I think every woman knows about the side effects of the pill. They are very much a pain if you experience them. However, as she mentions the side effects really don't have anything to do with number of partners or frequency, etc.
As for male "choices" of preventing pregnancy. Bravo, no seriously! This is a valid question that not enough men are asking- why aren't their more choices. Well it turns out that there might be in the future! Do you know there is a male birth control pill that exists? I suspect, how popular it is will depend on our cultural norms. Traditionally "not getting pregnant" has been a woman's responsibility. Hopefully this pill if it is ever tested, advertised, affordable, etc. will level that field and also provide males with more contraceptive options.
As for male "choices" of preventing pregnancy. Bravo, no seriously! This is a valid question that not enough men are asking- why aren't their more choices. Well it turns out that there might be in the future! Do you know there is a male birth control pill that exists? I suspect, how popular it is will depend on our cultural norms. Traditionally "not getting pregnant" has been a woman's responsibility. Hopefully this pill if it is ever tested, advertised, affordable, etc. will level that field and also provide males with more contraceptive options.
5
"I had never had sober sex with a new partner, and I wasn’t about to start with a guy I barely knew."
Which means that, according to the following NYTimes article, every single sexual relation the author has ever had started with a rape:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/15/us/california-high-schools-sexual-cons...
Which means that, according to the following NYTimes article, every single sexual relation the author has ever had started with a rape:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/15/us/california-high-schools-sexual-cons...
21
That would be true for most of us, but if you confront campus feminists with the truth, you're a bad, bad person.
8
I love this piece and I love having a term to describe what I've been doing for the last 4 years. I'm secondarily abstaining.
6
It shocks me that there are so many comments on here that criticize the piece and its author. So many here are very quick to judge.
I personally felt this poetically captured many of my exact feelings as well as many of my peers. It is confusing as a young person to handle all these pressures and influences from society, technology, and media. For everyone blaming Tinder, non-STEM majors, feminists, and every other scapegoat you can think of, please extend some empathy to this author and others like us. Realize this for what it is--a wonderfully written and thought-provoking piece that certainly deserves its place here in the NY Times.
I personally felt this poetically captured many of my exact feelings as well as many of my peers. It is confusing as a young person to handle all these pressures and influences from society, technology, and media. For everyone blaming Tinder, non-STEM majors, feminists, and every other scapegoat you can think of, please extend some empathy to this author and others like us. Realize this for what it is--a wonderfully written and thought-provoking piece that certainly deserves its place here in the NY Times.
40
Sex and relationships are such a personal experience that I'm not sure any thinking person can ever believe that their experience is just like that of another or that they can pass judgement on the way others view sex and relationships. For me putting sex above love or choosing sex without love is like preferring McDonalds to a great home cooked meal. You eat a Big Mac to fulfill a need, and it may be a great experience, but it can't compare to a meal cooked at home, by some one who knows what they are doing, and does it with love. I often think that by making stand alone sex such an normal and yet important part of our lives we, as a society, are neglecting things that are more important and better for us. But that's me. What's right for me may not be what's right for others. My advice to the author would be to ignore your friends advice. Your abstinence makes them uncomfortable because it feels like a judgement of their lifestyles. You are probably the best judge of what is right for you.
17
As David Lee Roth said, "Ain't talkin' 'bout love/My love is rotten to the core/Well I been to the edge/You know I stood and looked down/you know I lost a lot of friends there, baby/I got no time to mess around...
It's all Van Halen's fault.
It's all Van Halen's fault.
4
I'm pretty sure he's talking about addiction not love or sex per se
Yeah, I can't tell when I'm being ironic any more...
6
One thing no one seems to have said is that maybe this woman isn't very interesting in person. There is that cliché of the introvert with a rich imagination, but it's a cliché, a movie trope.
Too many men and women have this sophistic mindset, but are just terribly boring having spent little time accomplishing anything worth talking about.
Too many men and women have this sophistic mindset, but are just terribly boring having spent little time accomplishing anything worth talking about.
19
Are you really suggesting that only really interesting, accomplished people have sex?
1
It could be true but what made you bring it up?
1
I usually believe that we get what we are looking for, so my question for the author is "What is it about me that has attracted 2 different people to be my lovers, except that they don't seem to want sex, or need sex, or want to be "in love"?" The answer to that question might not solve the authors problem, but I can't believe that it is just a coincidence. From a long distance it seems maybe the author is really at a place in her life where she doesn't want to or know how to connect to others, so she matches up with those in a self imposed limbo.
10
Exactly.
As an old man this is an interesting article. For 50 years I've been sexually active. My observations, looked at from the perspective of the article, are that sex changes rather dramatically over the years. From urgent and lustful, through slower but passionate, to finally just loving and intimate. Each is different. I find the older I get the more important it is in my life and my married relationship. Not sure what will be the next phase but looking forward to it.
21
I read this article and given my vast dating experience it describes all that is wrong with dating in today's world. All of the details are quite different from normal and healthy relationships which describes someone who needs help. Pretty sure I could describe her perfectly and that is not a good thing. Being on Tinder and off of sex is a personal problem with many underlying issues. I would like for someone who wrote this article to show me a solution to the problem rather than just dragging on the same situation while basically complaing about it and accepting it. We all can do better in our lives and as a culture here in the United States and we do not need to watch people go through live uninspired with issues. We need to promote being healthy both physically, emotionally and spiritually. This person clearly needs some help with that and it is no surprise they are on Tinder and off of sex. I just find it a boring piece in which someone describes their lifestyle that needs guidance, direction and some inspiration. Not worthy of praise or the NYT. When it is worthy in my mind of the NYT is when this person figures out who they are, finds love and happines and ends up in a great healthy relationship. So if you publish and article like this wait for it all to come full circle before telling the story. I find girls like this all the time online, at bars and in the dating world. So really it is nothing exceptional or describing an amazing situation.
7
I have never met this woman but I feel I know her well. A Schizoid scatterbrain. L.A. is full of them.
9
Have been reading Modern Love for years. In turns, I have been amused, inspired, irritated, bored, or even puzzled. But this is the first time that I am completely dumbfounded.
8
Courtship existed for a reason. It was a subtle dance that allowed the fear of being hurt to balance against growing love within a time line. The slower time line meant realizing a person was a no go match (for either participant) and equated to lost potential before a rewind to find another love. Courtship and serious flirting have those lovely anticipatory highs. Tinder is no substitute. Is that what Ms. Pearl is missing?
131
My thoughts precisely.
Is this writer, a professed 20-something, and her friends representative of the attitude of the younger generations? Is that all there is, the preoccupation of having sex and constant hook-ups, men and women alike? If so, that's truly sad.
Yes, physical intimacy is intense, but that in and of itself is not what love makes, pun unintended. Courtship is a beautiful thing. Yes, it might work out or it might not, but the longing and earnestness are beautiful, and heartaches come with the territory. But it has to be mutual. If one or both parties are only intended in the flesh and not the mind, then all bets are off.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm aspired to some higher order, but our society's obsession of sex, as both a means and an end, feel so wrong to me. There's no substance in it.
Is this writer, a professed 20-something, and her friends representative of the attitude of the younger generations? Is that all there is, the preoccupation of having sex and constant hook-ups, men and women alike? If so, that's truly sad.
Yes, physical intimacy is intense, but that in and of itself is not what love makes, pun unintended. Courtship is a beautiful thing. Yes, it might work out or it might not, but the longing and earnestness are beautiful, and heartaches come with the territory. But it has to be mutual. If one or both parties are only intended in the flesh and not the mind, then all bets are off.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm aspired to some higher order, but our society's obsession of sex, as both a means and an end, feel so wrong to me. There's no substance in it.
13
I have to admit tbat I found your comment about the conversation with the doctor off-putting and ruined the rest of the article for me. "Maintain your dignity?" The man talking to you was a professional licensed doctor, who went on to get a speciality in ob-gyn practices . So he asked you questions about birth control pills and your sexual activity. That's his job. He's a professional. Grow up. Stop whining about your dignity.
12
Why is it all about sex? Why is it all about me? Why is it all about desire someone? Ms. Ali re-track your steps, try some family roots and get connected.
10
Nice honest piece that shows the writer has reached some important insights. Now just add a pinch of action and stir over a low flame. As Robert Herrick gently suggested in 1648:
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And, while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
Carpe Diem!
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And, while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
Carpe Diem!
17
i go back to the effort and effortless dilemma. We seem to be trained to perform for rewards that require our effort and therefore seem deserving when we finally get there. things that are effortless are maybe not valued as much or have attained a status - like driving, it gets us there but we expect it to and now the most pleasurable thing in life is just one more thing we do without much ado- except to feel like we are keeping up with the times and not being the abandoned dog in the rear of the picture. i remember a time when the chase was maybe more adventurous than the reward- it was the process, the getting there that was the art form. A 'tinder' pass and some alcohol are the HOV lane that require little for not much. hmmm...
1
The man I sometimes love....I know that one :)
3
Beautiful writing, and heartfelt. You have way more company than you think. People TALK about how much they're getting, but that's not the same as the truth, or much less the quality. Be patient. Your time, place and person will come.
51
It is good thing that the NYT does not sink to publishing photos of half naked bodies and suggestive sexual poses that are so prevalent in much of the "media".
But why so many headlines about "sex" and "love"? Just leave it to the advertisers.
But why so many headlines about "sex" and "love"? Just leave it to the advertisers.
1
Why do feminists always write such confusing articles about sex?
A man, gay or straight, would never write an article like this.
A man, gay or straight, would never write an article like this.
5
Yeah, why can't women just act exactly the way men do? How tiresome, that we insist on being different.
3
Don't fantasize about having sex while riding your bike. That's not safe sex.
10
Two years isn't a long time to be celibate, plenty of people don't have sex very often when they're single. It's not true that everyone else is having all kinds of hot sex all of the time.
Why should anyone feel compelled be intimate with strangers, and accept all of the risks involved, if they don't really want to or feel comfortable about it? Some people may enjoy having sex with just about anyone, some don't feel that it's worth the trouble unless there's some kind of connection. There's nothing wrong with either one, it's just that everyone is different.
You don't need to let your friends shame you into to following THEIR rules. Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore or something you "have" to do because your friends said so. If you don't want to do it, then don't. It's perfectly OK to wait for the right partner and a time when you feel comfortable, safe, and in the mood.
Why should anyone feel compelled be intimate with strangers, and accept all of the risks involved, if they don't really want to or feel comfortable about it? Some people may enjoy having sex with just about anyone, some don't feel that it's worth the trouble unless there's some kind of connection. There's nothing wrong with either one, it's just that everyone is different.
You don't need to let your friends shame you into to following THEIR rules. Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore or something you "have" to do because your friends said so. If you don't want to do it, then don't. It's perfectly OK to wait for the right partner and a time when you feel comfortable, safe, and in the mood.
24
I agree. Just because a person can go out and make it happen doesn't that's in her best interest, or that it will even be enjoyable. We are steeped in a culture that suggests "everyone else" is having perfect sex all the time, but it's simply not true. Things come and go in waves. I also find the writer's issue with alcohol to be the elephant in the room. Having sex without this crutch seems too difficult for her. This might be a good time to address that before starting another sexual relationship. So I guess for me, the article isn't really about sex at all, it's about intimacy.
2
The problem is that these days people grade themselves by how much they "express their individuality." A lot of people, especially the most thoughtful, want to reinvent courtship and define all it's rules for their own maximum anticipated satisfaction. Thus there are no rules, just common habits and routines, which leads us down at least two tracks- the hook-up scene of practiced callousness, and everyone else, disappointed and vaguely resentful.
Since I'm not yet very old, I have to guess, but I believe that some men in the past were much better at following rules of tactful flirting, and the woman knew with much better precision what to expect, based on how cordial he was. Of course there have always been crude boors that disgust women, but both sexes had a set of rules that they conformed to how they wished or how they felt they had to based on how they were brought up. I think the regularity that has been rejected as boring and stifling by modern 1st-world populations has been replaced by a lot of confusion and pointless tension, which when it accumulates, turns into a profoundly angry, alienated and transactional attitude towards the opposite sex.
We're all the poorer for this. It rewards people who lack empathy, sensitivity, or respect for themselves and others, whose primary qualities are a roving eye and persistence. I, for one, have decided that those rewards are not worth the cost to my soul.
Since I'm not yet very old, I have to guess, but I believe that some men in the past were much better at following rules of tactful flirting, and the woman knew with much better precision what to expect, based on how cordial he was. Of course there have always been crude boors that disgust women, but both sexes had a set of rules that they conformed to how they wished or how they felt they had to based on how they were brought up. I think the regularity that has been rejected as boring and stifling by modern 1st-world populations has been replaced by a lot of confusion and pointless tension, which when it accumulates, turns into a profoundly angry, alienated and transactional attitude towards the opposite sex.
We're all the poorer for this. It rewards people who lack empathy, sensitivity, or respect for themselves and others, whose primary qualities are a roving eye and persistence. I, for one, have decided that those rewards are not worth the cost to my soul.
93
Tinder!! Sadly this explains so prolifically y ppl are NOT having "more" sex!! In an age of where one literally swipes a human being (?) into their bed based on a quick pic it really is not surprising y many are not " buying" into that. It most certainly can be physically & emotionally demeaning ! Especially as a female one reads about all the young men just avoiding paying for dinners etc. and just getting one night stands. I think a little romanticism even if just in the mind is necessary. All this is now seemingly wiped out
3
So much advice here... and comments implying something may be wrong.
I am getting the vibe of a complex, sensitive woman who does not want to sell herself: her complexities, vulnerabilities, strength, and weaknesses short. You doubt most interesting and deserving of good things. I expect that it will all happen for you someday when you least expect it. So many of those giving you advice may well be following the "you must have sex to be a balanced, fulfilled, and happy person" persuasion - but do they really have it more figured out than you? Perhaps not.
Do what is right for you. Be yourself, and don't take on others expectations for your sex life as baggage to carry, or a state to justify. Let them mind their own afffairs. It will come someday - on your terms.
Keep writing. You do it well!
I am getting the vibe of a complex, sensitive woman who does not want to sell herself: her complexities, vulnerabilities, strength, and weaknesses short. You doubt most interesting and deserving of good things. I expect that it will all happen for you someday when you least expect it. So many of those giving you advice may well be following the "you must have sex to be a balanced, fulfilled, and happy person" persuasion - but do they really have it more figured out than you? Perhaps not.
Do what is right for you. Be yourself, and don't take on others expectations for your sex life as baggage to carry, or a state to justify. Let them mind their own afffairs. It will come someday - on your terms.
Keep writing. You do it well!
89
Another example of the fallout from our hookup culture. She is clearly wanting love and intimacy but has relied upon hookup sex in the past to fill the void. Her inner conscience is telling her this is not healthy but regrettably her "friends" and society are telling her otherwise.
The relentless pursuit of meaningless sex has resulted in people never learning how to relate to (and love) one another; that is, taking the time to truly know someone, giving and receiving empathy, making sacrifices, and truly committing to a relationship.
Ali, perhaps it is time to put sex on the backburner and work on developing healthier relationships with your friends and partners instead of mourning the former.
The relentless pursuit of meaningless sex has resulted in people never learning how to relate to (and love) one another; that is, taking the time to truly know someone, giving and receiving empathy, making sacrifices, and truly committing to a relationship.
Ali, perhaps it is time to put sex on the backburner and work on developing healthier relationships with your friends and partners instead of mourning the former.
76
I don't have anything profound to add here, I just wanted to stop in and say how much this article touched me, and how beautifully it was written. I felt it -- all the concrete things stated and the subtle things unspoken. Thank you.
6
Such intimate personal revelations, gratuitously made, are most unbecoming and a caricature of "liberals" adding fuel to the fire of cultural polarization.
5
http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20151001-michelle-danie....
I realize this perspective is old-fashioned but I think it's worth another look. There's a reason why the world of Tinder feels so uncomfortable-- there really is a better way. The author is wise to trust her instincts here.
I realize this perspective is old-fashioned but I think it's worth another look. There's a reason why the world of Tinder feels so uncomfortable-- there really is a better way. The author is wise to trust her instincts here.
1
I say this only partly tongue in cheek: quit your English PhD and engage in an activity that has real consequences.
So many of these female writers are (unsurprisingly, as writers) immersed in English, History, Women's Studies, Journalism/Communications programs, etc. to the exclusion of more ground-floor (STEM, business, economics, medicine, etc) driven areas.
So maybe it is no accident that so many of them have one or another of some neurotic, self-dramatizing locus. It is interesting however, and I suspect, at the very least, statistically significant, that so many of these revolve around sexuality and gender. Feminist polemics to the contrary notwithstanding, these issues seem to be endogenous.
While we almost certainly do not want to inhabit a world without the arts and humanities, we could certainly appreciate more robust reality testing, a willingness to look beyond one's own subjectivity for answers, a regard for empirical evidence and a generally more Copernican sense of perspective than is often on offer from these protagonists.
Impressionistic and self-referential narratives can of course be quite palatable when skillfully written, but even so, endless iterations of these do eventually become uninteresting - even though each author sincerely believes that she is saying something worth hearing ... which brings us back to why she should bust out of English and do something with genuine empirical content. Call it "intersectionality" with actual reality :)
So many of these female writers are (unsurprisingly, as writers) immersed in English, History, Women's Studies, Journalism/Communications programs, etc. to the exclusion of more ground-floor (STEM, business, economics, medicine, etc) driven areas.
So maybe it is no accident that so many of them have one or another of some neurotic, self-dramatizing locus. It is interesting however, and I suspect, at the very least, statistically significant, that so many of these revolve around sexuality and gender. Feminist polemics to the contrary notwithstanding, these issues seem to be endogenous.
While we almost certainly do not want to inhabit a world without the arts and humanities, we could certainly appreciate more robust reality testing, a willingness to look beyond one's own subjectivity for answers, a regard for empirical evidence and a generally more Copernican sense of perspective than is often on offer from these protagonists.
Impressionistic and self-referential narratives can of course be quite palatable when skillfully written, but even so, endless iterations of these do eventually become uninteresting - even though each author sincerely believes that she is saying something worth hearing ... which brings us back to why she should bust out of English and do something with genuine empirical content. Call it "intersectionality" with actual reality :)
60
For a "STEM" person, you sure do seem to have a lot to … WRITE. Guess you're also in the not-getting-much club—no prob. At least for me, it's no prob. Not sure about you…
3
She is not getting a PhD in her own subjective journaling. PhDs in literature and other humanities do concern an object outside oneself which is better understood through scholarship.
2
This is a hideous comment. Your condescending, misogynist tone here about "girls who read books" is off base and frankly offensive.
You say you "almost certainly do not want to inhabit a world without the arts and humanities," and yet in the next breath, you make the stereotype that every person involved in humanistic pursuits only reflects on the world in a self-involved way. Or do you only mean women? You don't seem to mention what men who pursue the humanities do wrong... This only shows how little you yourself interact with literature, art, and humanistic pursuits - how little time, in fact, you spend reflecting on a world outside your own interests, Econ.
Secondly, pray tell, what abstract, ethically and aesthetically charged reflections are offered by STEM that can replace those offered by art? Humans need both. "Genuine empirical content" alone is a brutal way to tackle the world and its nuances. What right have you to tell another person what her passions and values should be? What right have you to denigrate and suggest the erasure of those things of beauty from the world?
You say you "almost certainly do not want to inhabit a world without the arts and humanities," and yet in the next breath, you make the stereotype that every person involved in humanistic pursuits only reflects on the world in a self-involved way. Or do you only mean women? You don't seem to mention what men who pursue the humanities do wrong... This only shows how little you yourself interact with literature, art, and humanistic pursuits - how little time, in fact, you spend reflecting on a world outside your own interests, Econ.
Secondly, pray tell, what abstract, ethically and aesthetically charged reflections are offered by STEM that can replace those offered by art? Humans need both. "Genuine empirical content" alone is a brutal way to tackle the world and its nuances. What right have you to tell another person what her passions and values should be? What right have you to denigrate and suggest the erasure of those things of beauty from the world?
3
Wonderful writing.
2
It has simply become too easy to get a hook up that Men and Women do not try very hard anymore. Go to any coffee shop and 99% of the people will be typing away or staring at their mobile devices. We do not take the time to observe one another and converse with one another anymore.
28
This is a thoughtful well-written essay, and I would agree that strangers can be gross, even when they're hot, there are complications. But Bon Iver? Awful!
2
Men do not generally feel this way. One must find their own way of course, but this is someone afraid of her own skin, truly afraid of raw sensuality and the ability to languish in that, nothing more. Quality writing however.
4
I have not noticed that men are any better.
1
Folks:
The author is an aspiring novelist. No need to take this piece as literal.
Besides, ML is not an advice column.
The author is an aspiring novelist. No need to take this piece as literal.
Besides, ML is not an advice column.
4
This is one of my favorite Modern Love columns and I've been reading for years. Please please keep writing!
1
thank god i've long left my navel-gazing 20s in the dust.
6
On the 90's t.v. drama NYPD Blue, a main character, Andy, sobers up and begins a relationship with the D.A. It's been many years since he's had sober sex; he is terrified.
I have been sober almost 7 years and while I wasn't an out and out drunk, alcohol made sex easier to initiate yet paradoxically, more difficult to perform.
I have been sober almost 7 years and while I wasn't an out and out drunk, alcohol made sex easier to initiate yet paradoxically, more difficult to perform.
3
All that talking and thinking and no action. Sheesh, no wonder she doesn't have sex. She spends too much time doing everything except doing it!
1
Sex is very, very dangerous on so many levels. If you decide to have sex prepare to suffer.
2
Sex is like oxygen
Neither one is important, until you're not getting any.
Neither one is important, until you're not getting any.
1
Beautifully and thoughtfully written. Thank you.
Called doctoral candidate before I was halfway through.
3
I wouldn't presume to give you any "advice" about your sex life -- it's all I can do to manage my own -- but what I will say is that your writing is exquisite.
Sounds like she is enjoying the postwar Sartrean vibe she's created, ironic yet passionate, carrying it around like a permanent wreathe of Gaulois smoke from gallery to gallery, wondering if this too can be art.
10
Yeah...
Dear girl, Learn to take care of your physical needs yourself and steer clear of using strangers as human vibrators. Hold out for love; for an attraction and emotional connection that makes a physical connection seem like the most natural thing in the world. Because it is.
163
Or at least hold out for a connection that has something good, real, human, actual, at least some meaning beyond just itself. Sex in a vacuum may be a current trend but seems to me to be the thinnest possible human sexual experience.
7
Beautifully put.
complicated times, obscure, dull and uninspiring. in 1969 we were going to the moon, dreaming and having sex like barbarella. now we have tinder and playboy doesn't have nudes anymore. something is really totally wrong. that is why they keep as a last attempt, going back time and again to anything and everything that happened half a century ago: we do not create, we are just not capable.
17
Congrats on having an enjoyable and moving piece published in the NYT. Women are more enabled to decide whether they wish or do not wish to have a physical relationship. Speaking for myself as a male, sex is a serious physical requirement for me and I don't have the ability to escape it; I need it and therefore the need is always lurking there in the background waiting for me to feed it, like the hungry kitten that it is.
I sometimes wonder what it is like to be a female.
I think I'll read Ali Rachel's piece again.
I sometimes wonder what it is like to be a female.
I think I'll read Ali Rachel's piece again.
14
Poor guy, what you describe is awful. How can somebody live feeling unfree like that. Did you ever consider libido reducing medication?
2
Published in the wrong place. Is a reply @Peter NY
With social media, proximity has become easier and easier, but intimacy more and more difficult.
55
As a young gay man, the "sex with random people" behavior is so pervasive that it's taken for granted. If you forgo it you're essentially walling yourself off from most potential partners (and our options are naturally limited to begin with). Yet I can't bring myself to do it -- if you have to get drunk or do drugs to have sex with someone, that's your brain saying, "I'm not comfortable with this". That's a dangerous place to put yourself (indeed, many people get taken advantage of).
I entered a relationship earlier this year, but my experience preceding that can certainly relate to the author here. It's not that I didn't want to, or couldn't, have sex. It's that the situations where I'm comfortable doing so requires the sort of time and emotional investment in another person that many (most?) other people aren't willing to put forth.
We have a very conceited society that focuses exclusively on the short term. If there's no instant gratification, no immediate profit, it's "a waste of time". Smartphone culture writ large.
I entered a relationship earlier this year, but my experience preceding that can certainly relate to the author here. It's not that I didn't want to, or couldn't, have sex. It's that the situations where I'm comfortable doing so requires the sort of time and emotional investment in another person that many (most?) other people aren't willing to put forth.
We have a very conceited society that focuses exclusively on the short term. If there's no instant gratification, no immediate profit, it's "a waste of time". Smartphone culture writ large.
206
I think there are some other thoughtful people out there...be patient and eventually you'll connect.
1
I just wonder how common this is among men. The quote about tinder "No one ever has sex" - poignantly by a man - speaks to this. The quotes from women make it sound like women - if they so choose - can, say, go to a bar and get the ball rolling. (Or at least that's the perception; I wonder how common this behavior actually is.) The men I know don't seem to view that as an actually productive means of getting laid (assuming they want to think or, dare I say it, have an honest conversation on this topic).
Also, how many of those women expressing disbelief at remaining celibate for two years have been single for two consecutive years? I hear a lot on the internet about women saying "Oh, access to sex is there; actually getting into a relationship, well..." I just wonder how much of this "access to sex" among women (outside of a relationship) is perceived versus played out in the real world.
Also, they distinctively sound urban and wealthy. I don't mean that as a value judgment; I just know from experience life in the suburbs isn't that exciting (and there isn't that much variety where young singles is concerned). What I am hearing - not having sex for two years -, as a suburbanite, with modest social connections, doesn't sound that strange at all.
Also, how many of those women expressing disbelief at remaining celibate for two years have been single for two consecutive years? I hear a lot on the internet about women saying "Oh, access to sex is there; actually getting into a relationship, well..." I just wonder how much of this "access to sex" among women (outside of a relationship) is perceived versus played out in the real world.
Also, they distinctively sound urban and wealthy. I don't mean that as a value judgment; I just know from experience life in the suburbs isn't that exciting (and there isn't that much variety where young singles is concerned). What I am hearing - not having sex for two years -, as a suburbanite, with modest social connections, doesn't sound that strange at all.
13
Why did you stop having sex? Well? Why did you stop drinking? Really. Answer question 2 first and you'll have the answer to question 1. Initiating Unmedicated sex with a new partner is not fun. It's serious and dangerous and you can't pretend you're not there on purpose. It's intense.
44
beautiful and sincere prose. I hope to read more from you.
17
Many of us reverse engineer our behaviour to fit our narrative and myth.
20
Something you touched on only briefly, but that might be part of this bigger picture you're describing (and one that I can certainly relate to), is the issue with alcohol. When I started trying to have sex after getting sober, it was terrifying. In fact, I'm still not completely comfortable with it. Not only do you get use to the lack of inhibition, but also the complete eradication of meaning with wasted hook ups. When you have sex sober, you're totally vulnerable, emotionally and physically. That can be scary! So props to you for writing this essay, but I hope you're never too hard on yourself, that you continue forging ahead in health, and that everything else you once enjoyed will be better than before!
82
I second that, completely. The conversations you've been having with your friends were very similar to the ones I had when I was newly sober too. It was as if I suddenly emerged from a parallel universe, one that looked and sounded like the one I had just left, but overly bright and with a subtextual language I'd never noticed. (That would be the language of people who weren't not living inside my head. You know, real people.) Even now, all I have to do is picture myself walking down Bleeker Street on a Sunday and I can still feel that drifting, unmoored feeling of those early years that you capture so eloquently in your last paragraph. But take heart: if you're willing to share your existential anxieties in the New York Times as a newly sober woman, real physical connection can't be that far away.
1
There must be a box/label for almost every behavior pattern imaginable. At at least one level it exists as another bodily function... without all the subtle and not-so-subtle implications or ramifications... At other levels, it must be of such ultimate significance that countless books and essays describe every nuance without end. Can there be anything else with such diversity?
1
Seems like Ali needs to find a life partner to have sex with but perhaps needs to figure out her own sexuality. Nice writing though.
7
I read once long ago that one of the most damaging things to the human soul is sex without love. Having "no limits" and geniune freedom are not the same thing, and the former does not guarantee the latter. Maybe freedom looks like sober first sex with someone who loves you, because they have known you for a while, like a few months, or even ... years!
100
Often, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
4
But perhaps romantic love without sex is just as bad - and equally prevalent.
1
It might be unwise to believe everything you read.
1
Your writing skill and honesty are impressive.
34
One wonders if she would be, if speaking before a live audience? How do we know this is not fiction?
I'm left wondering if Ms. Pearl would just truly prefer that love come before sex? Is there anything wrong with that? To each his or her own, I think.
96
There is actually a term for that:
Demisexual (comparative more demisexual, superlative most demisexual)
(of humans) Sexually attracted to people only after a strong emotional bond has been formed.
Demisexual (comparative more demisexual, superlative most demisexual)
(of humans) Sexually attracted to people only after a strong emotional bond has been formed.
1
How about she wants to know someone well enough to like them before she has sex. Not everybody enjoys sex with strangers.
35
Despite being too old and apparently having too limited experiences to comment, I want to join those who found beauty in this essay. I will certainly remember the phrase "...memory of skin against skin to connect us across distance and time..." as one of my all time favorite descriptions of how sex and love may intertwine.
Great essay, Ali Rachel Pearl! Hope to read more of your work someday.
Great essay, Ali Rachel Pearl! Hope to read more of your work someday.
29
This is so brilliant and also a summation of many feelings I deal with in my singlehood. Thank you for this.
9
I learned a new term today: "secondary abstaining". As a 53 year old asexual who has never had sex, this article prompted me to also do a Google search and I now learned that I fall under "primary abstaining". Makes me wonder if there is such a thing as "tertiary abstaining", but what that would be I have no clue.
12
I don't know either, but it sounds very bad.
1
I read it, I confess. Or about 2/3 of it....
I just can't come to understand how people can write about such profoundly personal matters in the media; I am uncomprehending. It's true, I'm 67 years old.
I've given up on what once was the NYTimes. Not that I won't still read it. But just that I know we'll never see what once was its like again; certainly not in my time and generation.
I just can't come to understand how people can write about such profoundly personal matters in the media; I am uncomprehending. It's true, I'm 67 years old.
I've given up on what once was the NYTimes. Not that I won't still read it. But just that I know we'll never see what once was its like again; certainly not in my time and generation.
133
There was nothing intimate or personal about this. It's just bad fiction by someone who doesn't want to get a job which is commensurate with her true skill set. You're very naive for 67. Re-read this and see if it has any credible voice to it.
6
I couldn't agree more! This is the kind of information that should only be shared with ones therapist, not the entire readership of the NYTimes.
Her parents must be so proud....
Her parents must be so proud....
5
Perhaps making public her profoundly personal experience was cathartic and her form of introspection (even when shared). It seems like enough people read, and enjoyed, this piece to give it worth.
Be glad that you have the NYT to give you quality journalism, even if it comes with a side of human interest. I now live in Australia, with God Awful papers and even worse trolls. At least your fluff is well-written.
Be glad that you have the NYT to give you quality journalism, even if it comes with a side of human interest. I now live in Australia, with God Awful papers and even worse trolls. At least your fluff is well-written.
2
It's good to be an English PhD candidate who can publish a nice essay about...well, not all that much. But, any NYT article with "sex" in the title is more interesting than a comparable Cosmo article. The author sounds like a nice person, though first person narratives like this make neuroses seem cuter than they probably are in reality.
I hope you find a suitable successor to the guy who cheated on you (maybe you could write another essay about that, if you haven't already?). But there's no rush, really. Sex will be there when you get back to it.
I hope you find a suitable successor to the guy who cheated on you (maybe you could write another essay about that, if you haven't already?). But there's no rush, really. Sex will be there when you get back to it.
18
Unless she's complaining to her friends about this situation, they should, ahem, lay off. Her sex life or lack thereof is not theirs to judge. Also, this, yes, thank you, Rachel: "I know many people are adept at this sleeping-with-strangers thing. I have never known how to do this. I have never known how to go from, 'So what’s your name?' to having you in my bed or me in your bed or us in the back of a car in the parking lot of a Target." Yes. shocking, some people WOULD prefer to sleep only with other people with whom they are in some level of relationship. Believing that this approach to life is acceptable grounds for mockery or, worse, faux concern just seems to me like a new kind of sexual policing. The flip side of our modern-day freedom to have sex when and with whom we want ought to be tolerating others' choices to do the same -- or not.
24
Lovely, lovely contribution to Modern Love. That last paragraph was poetry.
10
Why do you people have to step in and give an advice or judge or mock... Is it really important whether she masturbated or not? Is it important why she never had a sober sex? Who said the story is real in the first place?
Why can't you just enjoy this beautifully written story...
Why can't you just enjoy this beautifully written story...
11
because it's decadent
2
Why on earth is anyone obligated to answer idiotic questions from friends, like “Why do you think you never have sex?” How about some respect.
86
Probably because you tell your friends all about it first, just as you tell the entire world in the NYTimes. You don't suppose they asked out of the blue?
32
Edited to add: it's OK to have boundaries with friends. In fact, it's essential. Here's how you know when it's time to set up a boundary: when you find yourself talking about how upset their questions made you in a publication with millions of readers. Stop talking about sex with them and a lot of this will go away.
3
Dear Louise from California ~ "Why do you think you never have sex?" is not an idiotic question from friends. It's a loving, intimate question. Friends who can't talk about their sex lives aren't good friends, IMVHO.
I do understand this "secondary" thing. Before my first experience, I had had plenty of invitation, but always backed off last second for some reason. A broken heart and plenty of sexual abuse experiences triggered fear in me.
After I had my first, I thought my problems would be over. But, it continued to be just like if I was still a virgin. It took me a few months to give myself up to someone - but it wasn't anyone. It was my best friend of years. We found in each other, we, too like men and women.
I don't see a problem if you don't feel like going to bed with strangers. Maybe it's something you want to reserve for somebody you already share intimacy with. I guess that makes you more comfortable, and it doesn't make you weird or anything.
After I had my first, I thought my problems would be over. But, it continued to be just like if I was still a virgin. It took me a few months to give myself up to someone - but it wasn't anyone. It was my best friend of years. We found in each other, we, too like men and women.
I don't see a problem if you don't feel like going to bed with strangers. Maybe it's something you want to reserve for somebody you already share intimacy with. I guess that makes you more comfortable, and it doesn't make you weird or anything.
13
It's not my place to advise someone as obviously bright as Ali Rachel Pearl on navigating the velocity of sex in the over-wired and wireless modern, single world. I would only ask one favor, Ms. Pearl. Whether or not sex continues to elude you or you fall in love with that person with whom there's no time to answer 'sex, yes or no?' because your drapes are on fire -- please write a lot and often! Give us more articles and columns. Give us novels, PLEASE! The push-pull of your potent-soft imagery and unforced honesty made me want to curl up for much longer than this article afforded. It also made me want to curl up and cling (yes I said cling, fearful ones) to my husband. Thank you sincerely on both fronts.
124
Sad tale and literally pathetic, i.e. inviting pathos.
She's clearly a neurotic on the issue (can't have sober sex with a new partner?) but, in true LA fashion, because she talks about it, she thinks she's dealing with the problem.
Try talking with a therapist, and learn something about your unconscious -- the part of you that, for reasons good or bad, is keeping you from the most honest and fulfilling connection with others.
She's clearly a neurotic on the issue (can't have sober sex with a new partner?) but, in true LA fashion, because she talks about it, she thinks she's dealing with the problem.
Try talking with a therapist, and learn something about your unconscious -- the part of you that, for reasons good or bad, is keeping you from the most honest and fulfilling connection with others.
59
Maybe it's not honest and fulfilling to have sex with strangers.
5
Next the punk singer and Egyptian lawyer read about themselves in the NY Times. Ali watching and discussing them affects their observed reality. Does it repel or attract? Is it all a just a desperate plea? Does the meta snake swallow its tail? As thousands Google her - does she suddenly find a date for the prom?
Life separates whether or not there is physical intimacy. Sleeping naked brings down walls.
Life separates whether or not there is physical intimacy. Sleeping naked brings down walls.
9
Sex without effort is a lie. If you break it down, sex with a partner is a skill that involves expressing and understanding non-verbal cues in order to convince a partner and yourself that time is ripe to engage in a cooperative act of physical intimacy. People who are good at it practice and hone their skills until it is effortless, but for people who have higher priorities it is really really difficult, especially when they expect it to be easy. It does not help that people who are good at it make it seem easy and effortless to their targets.
51
Read the tragically sad case of Simone de Beauvoir and her "open" relationship with the selfish, unfeeling Jean Paul Sartre to realize the deep pain he caused her with his other lovers.
When someone asked her if her subjugation to Jean-Paul Sartre in her personal life was at odds with her feminist theories she said,
“Well, I just don’t give a d--n ... I’m sorry to disappoint all the feminists, but you can say it’s too bad so many of them live only in theory instead of in real life.”
Feminist Ayn Rand committed adultery with her protégé Nathaniel Branden. Rand insisted his wife Barbara and Ann’s husband Frank O’Conner know about her adultery. Barbara said that though they were “often terribly painful and difficult…"
This raunchy Rand, intellectual mother of principled self-interest, had ardently pursued an interest in Ms. Branden’s husband, Nathaniel. Though 25 years apart in age, they had an affair for about 15 years.
There’s the selfish betrayal of Rand’s brand of Objectivism, the philosophy of rational self-interest which led to the sexual paraphilia of idolators.
It’s telling that Ann Ryand created a fictional man with character and ethics in her novel “The Fountainhead” when she had none herself.
Sophia Loren, the actress, said this in the WSJ about her son Edoardo’s teddy bear: “It’s the type of thing that means a lot to me because I am a mother and my children are my life. Without them, I would be nothing.”
3
that sounds a lot like successful gardening to me
1
Thank you for this piece, it really resonated with me.
12
You are not alone. I experience this, too. Thank you for your honesty; it makes me feel less alone, in turn. It has not been so long for me, right at this moment, but I've had several periods of 2 years or more without sex.
I cannot pretend to have figured this out, this inability to get to a place that people seem to just arrive at without any effort at all. But I have a couple of ideas.
One idea reflects what I just wrote: people have sex without any effort. I firmly believe that sex is a kind of autonomous phenomenon - a grace, maybe - that chooses people. That sex is abstaining from you was a brilliant way to put it. I think there is a lot of importance to looking at it that way. It's not something you can ever effect or contrive. It just happens (or not), and it always happens (or not) in the way it needs.
My other idea is that cultural baggage intercedes between two people who are attracted to one another, and it might be that sometimes a person comes along who needs something a little different, a different set of signals, different terms in the emotional exchange, and most people don't expect that. It's not about being good enough or judging others. It's more like a linguistic issue, but on a physical and unconscious level. For people like you and me, I feel it would just be a matter of realizing it, accepting it, and taking responsibility (challenging as it is) to adjust the narrative to fit our unique but equally valid needs.
I cannot pretend to have figured this out, this inability to get to a place that people seem to just arrive at without any effort at all. But I have a couple of ideas.
One idea reflects what I just wrote: people have sex without any effort. I firmly believe that sex is a kind of autonomous phenomenon - a grace, maybe - that chooses people. That sex is abstaining from you was a brilliant way to put it. I think there is a lot of importance to looking at it that way. It's not something you can ever effect or contrive. It just happens (or not), and it always happens (or not) in the way it needs.
My other idea is that cultural baggage intercedes between two people who are attracted to one another, and it might be that sometimes a person comes along who needs something a little different, a different set of signals, different terms in the emotional exchange, and most people don't expect that. It's not about being good enough or judging others. It's more like a linguistic issue, but on a physical and unconscious level. For people like you and me, I feel it would just be a matter of realizing it, accepting it, and taking responsibility (challenging as it is) to adjust the narrative to fit our unique but equally valid needs.
40
One women on Joan Hamberger’s radio show told of having an open relationship with fifteen different lovers. She admitted ending up feeling like an empty shell of a zombie.
Most people end up in the spiritual—if not physical—trash can emotionally as well.
This kind of thing just doesn't work with human beings despite the facade of pleasantries presented in front of others.
If their is no love nor fear of God nor commitment then people run after the latest insanity of how to conduct oneself morally—sexual or otherwise.
6
Joe, I like your very sympathetic thoughts, the second especially, because the (usual) absence of explicit communication between people about having sex definitely makes successful communication about sex risky (i.e., less likely to achieve the expected outcome). But the first, although poetically lovely, I think is not accurate. As indicated by your second paragraph, sex, like all human activities, is something that people cause to occur. But the fact that it frequently transpires in a cloud of vague and generally non-verbal communication can make it seem like something other than the people involved is in control. However, that is not so.
3
I agree with Dan. To say that sex is abstaining from you is a nice conceit, and that may be often how it feels. But I think if you totally wanted sex, without fear or guilt, it would come to you.
1
Never had sober sex with a new partner? Something seems seriously amiss here. I hope you can resolve it.
141
yeah, I picked up on that, too. She's sober now. Hasn't ever had sober first sex. It would be a completely new and foreign path to falling into bed with someone - with more thinking and awkward emotions - both of which would be inhibitors. Much harder to do - so she hasn't.
Sort of struck me like the newly clean rock star who questions their ability to perform sober. Just have to try it to prove you can.
Sort of struck me like the newly clean rock star who questions their ability to perform sober. Just have to try it to prove you can.
5
Your description of a new (and sober) intimacy involving "more thinking and awkward emotions" is well said. They can certainly be inhibitors (at worst) and challenges at best. I think Shawn Hsiao a few comments farther up also said it well, and consistently with what you wrote. Yes, it's hard.
1
I think she has as outlined in the article
Ali Rachel Pearl has written a very good essay on a subject difficult to write about with honestly and maybe even more so when it comes to having insight into one's own behavior. I identified strongly, I think we just are not up to hurting that intensely once again. I hope Pearl continues to write in this vein she has a real contribution to make.
As for the doctor or anyone else who believes they have the right to anonymously interrogate people regarding personal topics that are none of their business. Stand up to them, it is sickening how pervasive this is today. Complete jerks call us on our phones and demand we identify ourselves, stand up people show some backbone.
As for the doctor or anyone else who believes they have the right to anonymously interrogate people regarding personal topics that are none of their business. Stand up to them, it is sickening how pervasive this is today. Complete jerks call us on our phones and demand we identify ourselves, stand up people show some backbone.
34
What an asinine comment: The physician wasn't "anonymously" interrogating her. He was attempting to offer medical advice tailored to her lifestyle practices, requiring pertinent questioning. This wasn't a cold call, attempting some kind of identity theft; it was an interview based on HER going to the clinic. You make it sound like he was trying to sell her magazines. I'd dislike you as a patient: If I asked if you had a sore throat, you'd no doubt shout "None of your business!" through pursed lips.
4
Or maybe your soul is telling you that sex is supposed to mean something, that, in fact, sex is supposed to be the accompaniment of love--the type of love that commits for a lifetime. Could be that your soul is sane in a culture that is not.
307
Aha! Now I understand the snide comments here. Almost everyone still believes a girl should save herself for marriage.
6
THANK YOU.
She lives in LA but couldnt drive "all the way to Long Beach, CA for sex".
This girl needs a wake up call
This girl needs a wake up call
13
You clearly don't live in Los Angeles. That could be a two or three hours drive, depending on traffic.
18
I lived in LA. And I met a woman for whom I drove all the way to Long Beach for sex. And she came all the way to LA to see me. It was great.
7
Clearly you have never lived in LA where a six-mile drive could take an hour. A 3-hour drive for a 10-second "thrill" not guaranteed? I would stay home too and read a Susie Bright book with my glass of wine. More thrills.
4
"You match with a bunch of people, no one ever messages each other, and no one ever has sex”.
Tell me again how great internet dating is?!?
Tell me again how great internet dating is?!?
49
Tinder is different from older dating sites.
1
It's interesting that she says she has never had sober sex for the first time with someone.
Based on the new "yes means yes" rules, she has been sexually abused every time.
Based on the new "yes means yes" rules, she has been sexually abused every time.
9
The saddest abuse is that done to oneself.
Tragic.
1
If you want to swim, Ali, you've got to first jump in...
6
It's nice to read someone being so open who defies media stereotypes of her generation. It's nice to see she both reflects change, the relatively recent wide acceptance of bisexuality, while not driven to being oversexed because she has complex views and emotions on the issue. Bravo for being you Ali.
106
Oh stop. This false self reflective twenty something ennui is nothing to go on cheering about.
Sex is supposed to mean something (Romping in an animal barn, for example, with idle chit chat afterwards... ) What's more interesting than hearing a twenty something slowly discover through her gender confusion and act of selfish, recreational, demeaning, immoral sex without a committed relationship is in fact, the comments that try to salvage her disclosure as an act of bravery. (shakes the head and walks away - emoticon) As some have mentioned already, sex is supposed to be the accompaniment of love--the type of love that commits for a lifetime. #millennial self absorption / hookup culture / selfie
Sex is supposed to mean something (Romping in an animal barn, for example, with idle chit chat afterwards... ) What's more interesting than hearing a twenty something slowly discover through her gender confusion and act of selfish, recreational, demeaning, immoral sex without a committed relationship is in fact, the comments that try to salvage her disclosure as an act of bravery. (shakes the head and walks away - emoticon) As some have mentioned already, sex is supposed to be the accompaniment of love--the type of love that commits for a lifetime. #millennial self absorption / hookup culture / selfie
7
Very nice piece Ms. Pearl.
3
See, I think if she really wanted it that badly, Long Beach wouldn't be too far to drive. So she is secondary abstaining, for the reason of "just not that interested in sex outside my own imagination."
12
Ali - There is NEVER time for a loving relationship. Make time!
9
It is a lonely life to never have had a relationship, possibly. A LTR. However free one feels in exploring, the hook up culture must get old. Try to resolve your issues of intimacy and dependance. Even Warren Beatty agreed sex is even better in a committed relationship.
11
We know the writer has had sex with men and women. We know the last time she had sex, it was with a guy, it happened twice and it was two years ago. That's a lot of personal information.
She says she hasn't had sex since.
Yet, there is (at least) one permutation left out of her story.
Does she -- or doesn't she -- masturbate?
Or is that too taboo now that we have broken down so many other taboo topics.
She says she hasn't had sex since.
Yet, there is (at least) one permutation left out of her story.
Does she -- or doesn't she -- masturbate?
Or is that too taboo now that we have broken down so many other taboo topics.
16
Why do you ask?
5
Why do you need to know?
5
She probably does (she daydreams about sex during boring moments in her everyday life), but as pointed out previously, Joanne's question is completely irrelevant.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a strong and stable relationship before having sex. It's NOT "just sex" for some of us, and there's no point in trying to guilt someone into enjoying something she has decided she does NOT enjoy.
181
The rapper Shyne, the Sean Combs protégé, (who converted to Orthodox Judaism) said it all referring to his spiritual conversion (NYT Nov 10, 2010):
“All these rules, rules, rules,” he said with his hand on an open page of the Talmud. “But you know what you have if you don’t have rules? You end up with a bunch of pills in your stomach. When you don’t know when to say when and no one tells you no, you go off the deep.”
Her story is one of yearning for a spiritual direction for her life not just a sexual one.
9
This is in the "Modern Love" section. That last encounter she describes has as much to do with love as the time my beagle detected that the neighbor's cocker spaniel was in heat.
67
How rude. And untrue.
30
Beagles and cocker spaniels walk hand in hand after sex?
20
Beautiful. Just beautifully written. Bravo.
16
I don't get why you thought this was beautifully written. It just seems kinda self absorbed.
10
Ali Rachel sounds like self contained person who is rarely lonely, but seems to search for a soul mate or just tenderness, but is inhibited by previous experiences.
27
You nailed it.