My parents divorced when I was just five years old. They decided to be friends. They raised me together even though they were not. They spent every birthday, Christmas, and major event together for me and my sister. They never missed an event whether it be a basketball game or a school performance. They were there, next to each other on the bleachers or in the auditorium. I never sensed any animosity between them and because of that instead of spending my life being bothered that my family was different I was able to grow and become a successful and happy person because I had two wonderful role models. From them I have learned that I do not need a spouse to lead a happy life, they have also taught me how to be forgiving, and how family is most important so you do what it takes to be with them.
10
Most of the harsh commenters here strike me as narcissists, and probably sources of misery for any partners they might have. A happily married, kind, generous commenter would show compassion for the divorced couple, expressing concern for the family's loss, instead of wagging a finger in a show of superiority.
13
"There was no template for what was happening to my young family;...." Well, outside of the author's own social circle, the template for cooperative co-parentlng has long been established. And written about. Many times. This is a well done re-telling, but not news. Newly divorced parents should be aware that the template is long-established, and draw comfort and strength from that fact.
2
Oh the Haters! I must say there is nothing remarkable or shocking about what this woman and her ex are doing. Great job! Exes who aren't jerks to each other. Wow, grownup behavior. It's nice to read about for it is a point of view not often heard. Many former couples with children do this, I do it myself. What is remarkable is the amount of ignorant vitriolic spew that is being typed out. I must say if you haven't experienced divorce why are you commenting on this article, you contribute nothing except your narrow view of how divorce and its aftermath is supposed to play out with no context! Newsflash! Like in regular life we can choose to be petty, self-righteous, judgmental, and critical of others or we can choose forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. I myself was married for 14 years, and 4 years on, while not perfect, this approach works. My ex and I co-parent because we love our children very much. We still argue, we disagree, hmm, sounds like real life. I too, take vacations with my ex-spouse and we have fun. Our respective partners understand this as well and support our actions because they trust us. Are my children confused? No. They understand the situation, they are 12 and 10 and handling it well. Do they wish their parents had never split, I'm sure they do, but they learned to adapt, for children are resilient. They know they are loved. Set an example for your kids, on how to handle conflict and life in general, married or not, your kids will thank you.
12
My parents had a later in life divorce--after the kids went off to college. I prefer to think of my parents' relationship as one that is now much more respectful and collaborative, and like the one discussed here. To me, it doesn't matter so much that they are no longer together, but that they are happier people now. Children can sense tension and conflict; it flows down to them, as does happiness. Kudos for the author and her ex for making their relationship a first priority.
10
This couples' solution is all about ultimately meeting the parents' needs, no one here feels badly about divorce. The children will adapt to what is their new family, but they will be confused. Is this the love of a family or just a new arrangement for parents who could not make a good set of decisions about love, commitment, and child rearing that could stand the test of time - in this case just a very few years?
What horrifies me more is the comment of "corrosive boredom that is child rearing". Wow! I have 4 kids, worked full time, but never did I find it boring. I found it exhausting, messy, chaotic, and anxiety producing at times, but I made it known that this was going to be a labor of joyful love. My kids now grown would agree. Maybe that was the problem of this family - "corrosive boredom" and if that had been recognized earlier then maybe there would have been a different outcome.
What horrifies me more is the comment of "corrosive boredom that is child rearing". Wow! I have 4 kids, worked full time, but never did I find it boring. I found it exhausting, messy, chaotic, and anxiety producing at times, but I made it known that this was going to be a labor of joyful love. My kids now grown would agree. Maybe that was the problem of this family - "corrosive boredom" and if that had been recognized earlier then maybe there would have been a different outcome.
5
How lovely it must be to have made all of the right choices at such a young age. Sometimes parents' and childrens' needs align, and the notion that someone must feel bad when adults are brave enough to act on the recognition that they are doing their children harm by staying together is antiquated and unfeeling.
12
I'm always perplexed when I hear about a couple with young children divorcing. These kids were 4.5 and 2.5 when the parents split. Presumably, things were going downhill before then. Why are you having children when your marriage is on the rocks? Maybe more people should think about the state of their relationship before they bring children into the chaotic mess in their lives.
8
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story of parents who loved their children.
Thank you too for encouraging other parents to make the best of a bad situation.
If more could see this choice – before behaving badly – more would suffer less.
Thank you too for encouraging other parents to make the best of a bad situation.
If more could see this choice – before behaving badly – more would suffer less.
16
Never mind the judgmental comments coming from people who don't know you or your situation. I've been married for 23 years and have been separated for over two years now. People are astounded by the friendly relationship my husband and I have with one another. They ask why we have split up if we get along? Well, we did not get along for many years and it was time to make a change. People deserve happiness and fulfillment in life and if a couple is going to separate and divorce, it is nice that some people can maintain a friendly, mature relationship without bitterness and contempt which is what the vast majority of people have.
21
It all sounds so lovely and successful. Not many of these comments reflected what was going on with the children on this "happy family vacation." I know from personal experience that all small children really want their parents to be back together again. For these children, there was nothing better than having both their parents on a family vacation. What confusing boundaries do we have here? I have been in this situation and it literally left my head spinning because I couldn't work out what was happening. My parents were divorced but were trying to have a family holiday together??? I don't think things have modernized enough to let this be OK.
5
Many families co parent as friends. It is totally ok and admirable.
13
Lara, thank you for writing what I could never put into words about my own life and wonderful family. It works for some of us, but I try never to recommend it to others. The circumstances must be just right.
2
I have to echo some other comments. While I appreciate that you are trying to be loving, I think this will confuse the children. My parents separated, but pretended to be together for the sake of the children and also because I think my mother hoped my father was having a midlife crisis.
I was 13, and my sister was 8, not much older than your older child. When we figured it out (as kids do), we were both crushed. When we figured out the extent of the fake life our family had been living, we both had issues. Mine were more "daddy issues" that I may have had anyway. I resolved them, but my first relationship was abusive. My sister, however, has always harbored intense anger at the fact that we were "tricked" into thinking we were leading a normal family life. She has never fully recovered from her feelings of betrayal. I wouldn't advise going this route. I know my parents meant well, but parents need to be honest with children. Good luck!
I was 13, and my sister was 8, not much older than your older child. When we figured it out (as kids do), we were both crushed. When we figured out the extent of the fake life our family had been living, we both had issues. Mine were more "daddy issues" that I may have had anyway. I resolved them, but my first relationship was abusive. My sister, however, has always harbored intense anger at the fact that we were "tricked" into thinking we were leading a normal family life. She has never fully recovered from her feelings of betrayal. I wouldn't advise going this route. I know my parents meant well, but parents need to be honest with children. Good luck!
3
I'm sorry for your painful childhood, but the author is not pretending to be married to her children's father. She is simply being his friend and coparent. Children understand that.
14
Agree with TLT - the parents are being honest with their children! Just b/c many divorced parents would have to fake getting along, does not mean those who do get along are not being truthful.
8
My husband and I divorced two years ago after nearly sixteen years of marriage. However we chose to put our family first and bought a duplex, connected the two sides with a door, including a dog door, so our 12 year old daughter and two dogs can run freely between the two. People often ask us about finding new partners. Since we chose to put our family first, and we only have our daughter at home for six more years, finding new partners is not a priority for either of us. Of course this arrangement would not work for many divorced couples but it works for us. We are all very happy and I wish the author and her family the best.
24
Good for you, Michelle, to find a non-conventional way to make things work for your family.
I actually would love to read more about how this works for you three.
I actually would love to read more about how this works for you three.
2
I am amazed at how judgemental and venomous some individuals are in their comments. My parents divorced when I was 10. It was actually a relief. I do value marriage and am in my 17th year with my husband and hope we make it to 50 years. The author if this article isn't flippant about marriage. She is describing her experience and her efforts to nurture her family after a fracture. Her children will be fine in 20-30 years. They have 2 parents that love them.
24
I suppose that most of us react to an essay like this one based on how we feel it would or wouldn't work for us. This wouldn't work for me at all, and I agree with the commenters who feel it would be confusing for the children. Trying my best to see it from the writer's point of view, I still cannot get over the fact that enjoying the sunset over the ocean with glasses of red wine in hand, while the children shriek with joy in a distant part of the house, is not an image of a divorced couple who have successfully moved on from their marriage to each other. How many glasses of wine before the inevitable happens between the "still relatively young, still relatively attractive" couple? How would the uninvited, current romantic partner of either of these two feel about this scene? If there is no current romantic partner of either of these two, is it perhaps because they remain deeply joined to each other? Try as I might, I can't see how this level of emotional connection with a divorced spouse is likely to lead to a good result, either for the children or the couple.
9
Eventually this couple will get divorced for real. Most likely, when one of them meets someone else. I agree, would this nirvana be possible with a third person involved? In the meantime, they are having their cake and eating it too.
5
Friendship is possible with an ex. The author and her husband are friends and coparents.
6
TLT - I agree that friendship and co-parenting are entirely possible -- but don't you agree that an idyllic weekend together at the beach, with no current partners present, drinking wine and watching sunsets together while having transcendent moments, is a bit beyond "friendship" and "co-parenting"? Of course, if this works for this couple, that's fine-- I just don't think it's a good model for me or for most other divorced partners I know.
3
This is quite striking: "My ex-husband and I did not treat each other well during our short marriage. We were unable to make the other feel safe, loved and appreciated. In hard times, we turned on each other. There was plenty of finger-pointing and grudge-holding, and very little benefit of the doubt."
This says it right here, and ties into what someone mentioned about being a trial lawyer: " I grew up in a loving but undeniably hard-charging and overachieving environment, a world of moral absolutes: good/bad, success/failure, right/wrong."
But living with a spouse in a marriage requires the ability to see the grey areas, to be able to give and take without sitting in a narrow, judgmental box, eager to keep score and tally up the wins v. the losses.
This says it right here, and ties into what someone mentioned about being a trial lawyer: " I grew up in a loving but undeniably hard-charging and overachieving environment, a world of moral absolutes: good/bad, success/failure, right/wrong."
But living with a spouse in a marriage requires the ability to see the grey areas, to be able to give and take without sitting in a narrow, judgmental box, eager to keep score and tally up the wins v. the losses.
7
This story made me think of a boy I knew in middle school many years ago.
His parents divorced when we were 13 or 14 and their marriage was a battlefield in the period leading to to the split. Things after the divorce were just as bad.
This boy, who was once a good friend of mine, became bitter, angry and resentful because of the war going on between his divorced parents. He came to resent me because I lived in a loving home with both of my biological parents. I became one of the objects of his resentment and all of a sudden we weren't friends any more. Losing his friendship and having to endure his hostility really hurt me.
This boy apparently tried to deal with his negative feelings brought about by his parents divorce through using illegal street drugs. He financed his drug usage through criminal activity, mainly selling drugs and stealing.
He ended up in prison where he still is today in his early 60's. He is the consummate con man, blaming everyone but himself for his predicament.
I sometimes wonder what would have happen to him if his parents would have taken the same approach as the couple in this story. Instead, the toxic environment he had to endure basically destroyed his life.
His parents divorced when we were 13 or 14 and their marriage was a battlefield in the period leading to to the split. Things after the divorce were just as bad.
This boy, who was once a good friend of mine, became bitter, angry and resentful because of the war going on between his divorced parents. He came to resent me because I lived in a loving home with both of my biological parents. I became one of the objects of his resentment and all of a sudden we weren't friends any more. Losing his friendship and having to endure his hostility really hurt me.
This boy apparently tried to deal with his negative feelings brought about by his parents divorce through using illegal street drugs. He financed his drug usage through criminal activity, mainly selling drugs and stealing.
He ended up in prison where he still is today in his early 60's. He is the consummate con man, blaming everyone but himself for his predicament.
I sometimes wonder what would have happen to him if his parents would have taken the same approach as the couple in this story. Instead, the toxic environment he had to endure basically destroyed his life.
8
My ex is gettin married this coming Sat..guess it's time 2 move forward, UNLESS, your plan is different, GOD I want my family back
3
I am 42 now. My parents fought for 25 yes until one day my mother left us - I was 17. We had a nice upper-class life in another country. My mother came to usa (forcing her children to follow her). Became a realtor and has struggled since. She continued (as well as my father that still lives in another country) to fight over stupid things like property and threatening to divorce but never did.
I wish they had divorced a few years into their marriage so I don't see the ugly side. I wish they had moved on at least when I was 17. They never did. I get angry looking at my mother and her struggles the years after and how she has negatively impacted our lives. I have lived relatively unattached life after watching years of arguments . The last few years my parents decided to learn to get along as friends. But the scars for me has remained so deep that I refuse to speak to my mother. Haven't spoken to her in a year.
Hats off to the writer to find an amicable way while the kids are young. I'm jealous - of the children and not about the couple. Adults have ability to make their own choices but not the children. I envy the writer.
I wish they had divorced a few years into their marriage so I don't see the ugly side. I wish they had moved on at least when I was 17. They never did. I get angry looking at my mother and her struggles the years after and how she has negatively impacted our lives. I have lived relatively unattached life after watching years of arguments . The last few years my parents decided to learn to get along as friends. But the scars for me has remained so deep that I refuse to speak to my mother. Haven't spoken to her in a year.
Hats off to the writer to find an amicable way while the kids are young. I'm jealous - of the children and not about the couple. Adults have ability to make their own choices but not the children. I envy the writer.
8
My parents never divorced. They stuck together and taught my sister and I how to work through issues, solve them and live happily ever after.
I had the exact same expectations for my family, although it's not how it turned out.
Weeks after the birth of our second child, it was all over. We worked for 3 years to repair it; counselling, resetting, forgiveness, prayer, everything. But in the end, we had to accept it was over.
For me, accepting it was truly over was harder than the divorce. I struggled with the failure and was devastated by the consequences I thought my kids would endure.
Although, divorce stigma and misinformation was playing the largest part in my thinking. The reality is, with consistent input from two loving parents, kids have got it made. In my experience, it's the single greatest factor in our children's well-being. How can marriage status be a substitutive for a requirement for love and attention? Divorce does not equate to an unhappy child.
My ex and I made a decision after 3 years to work on being friends. And, we made a long-term commitment to fight for that friendship for the sake of our children. In reality, after considering everything I know now, this is the best possible scenario for my family. For the four of us, this is our best family. Yes, it's even better than the family where we all live together all the time.
I'm proud to demonstrate to my children the maturity it's taken us to get here. I'm proud of all of it. Even the divorce.
I had the exact same expectations for my family, although it's not how it turned out.
Weeks after the birth of our second child, it was all over. We worked for 3 years to repair it; counselling, resetting, forgiveness, prayer, everything. But in the end, we had to accept it was over.
For me, accepting it was truly over was harder than the divorce. I struggled with the failure and was devastated by the consequences I thought my kids would endure.
Although, divorce stigma and misinformation was playing the largest part in my thinking. The reality is, with consistent input from two loving parents, kids have got it made. In my experience, it's the single greatest factor in our children's well-being. How can marriage status be a substitutive for a requirement for love and attention? Divorce does not equate to an unhappy child.
My ex and I made a decision after 3 years to work on being friends. And, we made a long-term commitment to fight for that friendship for the sake of our children. In reality, after considering everything I know now, this is the best possible scenario for my family. For the four of us, this is our best family. Yes, it's even better than the family where we all live together all the time.
I'm proud to demonstrate to my children the maturity it's taken us to get here. I'm proud of all of it. Even the divorce.
26
A tale of beauty , you just keep in your heart and cherish it. Or if you have a big heart, you share with the world so that they get the light from the candle of love you discovered.
But, something is just not right. There is just no mention of what actually happened. The kids were 2 and 4 years when the author and her ex moved out of common house. There is a total lack of empathy towards the children. Of course you have to bail out of morality principle to tell the children, fast forward eighteen months, 'hey we have found a beautiful world of new sort of love which is found in post divorce family' - picture the 5 days holidays, it's perfect..-My take would be this is just a guilt relief exercise. Life did not turn out as rosy post eighteen months divorce that the separated couple have to settle for 5 day happy holiday, for which they need external validation, and paint the new situation as new found love. Why can't she just say she felt miserable in marriage, had to be right always, the couple entered in a conflict dynamics which culminated in famous 'unexpected turn' , and somebody bailed out, which in the end created scars and continuing feelings of guilt. This is a cleverly camouflaged lie which gives false hope of newfound love..-it's best to paint failure as failure and accept it with humility. Then you can move forward and learn from your mistakes. Distorting reality to preserve self esteem is too much.
But, something is just not right. There is just no mention of what actually happened. The kids were 2 and 4 years when the author and her ex moved out of common house. There is a total lack of empathy towards the children. Of course you have to bail out of morality principle to tell the children, fast forward eighteen months, 'hey we have found a beautiful world of new sort of love which is found in post divorce family' - picture the 5 days holidays, it's perfect..-My take would be this is just a guilt relief exercise. Life did not turn out as rosy post eighteen months divorce that the separated couple have to settle for 5 day happy holiday, for which they need external validation, and paint the new situation as new found love. Why can't she just say she felt miserable in marriage, had to be right always, the couple entered in a conflict dynamics which culminated in famous 'unexpected turn' , and somebody bailed out, which in the end created scars and continuing feelings of guilt. This is a cleverly camouflaged lie which gives false hope of newfound love..-it's best to paint failure as failure and accept it with humility. Then you can move forward and learn from your mistakes. Distorting reality to preserve self esteem is too much.
9
ROFL!
I hope the author has the decency to show this article to every person she starts dating. And to make sure her ex does the same.
I look forward to reading her sequels, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road. Oh, how "interesting" divorced life gets for the children when their parents have new significant others, possibly with their own children of divorce. For every couple that makes it work (assessed by the children affected when they are at an age to do so) my guess is that there are probably ten who didn't. There are simply too many complicating factors and conflicting interests.
I hope the author has the decency to show this article to every person she starts dating. And to make sure her ex does the same.
I look forward to reading her sequels, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road. Oh, how "interesting" divorced life gets for the children when their parents have new significant others, possibly with their own children of divorce. For every couple that makes it work (assessed by the children affected when they are at an age to do so) my guess is that there are probably ten who didn't. There are simply too many complicating factors and conflicting interests.
6
I think a large part of the problem is that you are a lawyer and inevitably that influences how you think about life: lawyering is a way (perhaps not the best way, if there is one) of communicating with others and dealing with life. It basically involves a lack of trust, stilted rule-bound dialog, and a focus on specific alleged facts, rather than a global view. For example, lawyer divorce rates are more than twice as high as scientist divorce rates, though incomes are similar.
5
About my name - it's hurting because I'm laughing
Anyhow, for 20+ years after separation and divorce, we still went on family vacations - to all over the USA, to Canada, to Mexico, to Europe twice, many Niagara vacations, and NY finger lakes were the best, finally wine tasting with our adult children. It was all glorious. Good for the children. They are now very well balanced, happy, and successful adults.
So if you haven't tried it, you should! Just remember to leave the past behind and enjoy the moment. And be forgiving. It is the ultimate unselfish act you can do for your children.
Anyhow, for 20+ years after separation and divorce, we still went on family vacations - to all over the USA, to Canada, to Mexico, to Europe twice, many Niagara vacations, and NY finger lakes were the best, finally wine tasting with our adult children. It was all glorious. Good for the children. They are now very well balanced, happy, and successful adults.
So if you haven't tried it, you should! Just remember to leave the past behind and enjoy the moment. And be forgiving. It is the ultimate unselfish act you can do for your children.
14
....and that your children can do for you.
my long term relationships are mostly about giving the other person what they want.
if you only focus on your own selfish needs that's going to kill the relationship when the other person eventually decides to stop letting you just take.
if you start each day like Dr.Phil said 'thinking what can I do to make the other happy - to make their world better' - then after you give them happiness - surprise surprise you tend to find they go out of their way to surprise and delight you - and every day becomes a pleasure.
if you only focus on your own selfish needs that's going to kill the relationship when the other person eventually decides to stop letting you just take.
if you start each day like Dr.Phil said 'thinking what can I do to make the other happy - to make their world better' - then after you give them happiness - surprise surprise you tend to find they go out of their way to surprise and delight you - and every day becomes a pleasure.
4
Let me guess who was the plaintiff in this particular divorce?
That is easy bet, as in 74% of all divorces it is a wife, doesn't even to be a trial lawyer by profession.
One thing illustrating huge fact manipulations around divorce "epidemics" is the fact that even when it is overwhelmingly women who seek (and due to "no fault", no evidence whatsoever required laws automatically get their wish) they and their children, society at large, and even from their homes and their kids kicked out (w/o any effective defense) exes say "we divorce" or "our parents got divorce" while there is always only one spouse who (certainly initially) seeks, petitions for and obtains divorce.
For some reasons these petitioners, after "liberating" themselves from the marriage (an institution Karl Marx and communist taught to be a "yoke on women") they do not take proud credit for that and adding their own children to the army of "children of divorce".
All of a sudden such a modsty, avoidance for taking credit for such achievemt of liberation.
But as high divorce rates are good for our economy as they stimulate consumption, the ruling class has (like communists) no intention to make them less easy. The reasons are not, like with communists, ideological but economical.
As, on average, two post-divorce, uneven household require 140% of expenses the one, pre-divorce used to require housing, durable goods, car, etc. markets would suffer. We certainly "can't afford" that/
That is easy bet, as in 74% of all divorces it is a wife, doesn't even to be a trial lawyer by profession.
One thing illustrating huge fact manipulations around divorce "epidemics" is the fact that even when it is overwhelmingly women who seek (and due to "no fault", no evidence whatsoever required laws automatically get their wish) they and their children, society at large, and even from their homes and their kids kicked out (w/o any effective defense) exes say "we divorce" or "our parents got divorce" while there is always only one spouse who (certainly initially) seeks, petitions for and obtains divorce.
For some reasons these petitioners, after "liberating" themselves from the marriage (an institution Karl Marx and communist taught to be a "yoke on women") they do not take proud credit for that and adding their own children to the army of "children of divorce".
All of a sudden such a modsty, avoidance for taking credit for such achievemt of liberation.
But as high divorce rates are good for our economy as they stimulate consumption, the ruling class has (like communists) no intention to make them less easy. The reasons are not, like with communists, ideological but economical.
As, on average, two post-divorce, uneven household require 140% of expenses the one, pre-divorce used to require housing, durable goods, car, etc. markets would suffer. We certainly "can't afford" that/
4
If you value liberty, inasmuch as you disdain communism, then your objections to divorce are fundamentally moot.
1
Passionate physical attraction and emotional attraction can be taken for 'love', and that kind of love can sometimes lead to frienship as well.
LIkewise, friendship can sometimes lead to love.
I suspect that the latter path has more long-term successes than the fomer path.
LIkewise, friendship can sometimes lead to love.
I suspect that the latter path has more long-term successes than the fomer path.
12
Some normal people fall in love, marry, have children, and then discover that they don't like living together and don't love each other as they once did.
So they divorce. they can then figure out how to manage a reasonable extended family including their ex-spouse and their children and their next spouse and possibly further children. And most reasonable people can probably do this , although the vacation together might be too much for many.
It's different if one spouse is mentally ill and/or dependent emotionally or financially on the other. Many folks don't really take their childhood neglect and trauma seriously until they try to bring up their own children. Then their suffering comes back to haunt them and sour their relationships.
I believe that before marriage, every person ought to think seriously about themselves and what they believe and whether they have past experiences that need to be emotionally and DEVELOPMENTALLY treated. Best book: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk, 2014. Readable, very well written, it describes the reality of an adequate childhood history and adequate parenting and the devastation of a history of trauma and/or neglect.
So they divorce. they can then figure out how to manage a reasonable extended family including their ex-spouse and their children and their next spouse and possibly further children. And most reasonable people can probably do this , although the vacation together might be too much for many.
It's different if one spouse is mentally ill and/or dependent emotionally or financially on the other. Many folks don't really take their childhood neglect and trauma seriously until they try to bring up their own children. Then their suffering comes back to haunt them and sour their relationships.
I believe that before marriage, every person ought to think seriously about themselves and what they believe and whether they have past experiences that need to be emotionally and DEVELOPMENTALLY treated. Best book: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk, 2014. Readable, very well written, it describes the reality of an adequate childhood history and adequate parenting and the devastation of a history of trauma and/or neglect.
11
I must say that I am impressed but not surprised. From my own experience, my relationship with my ex-wife became better after we reconciled about a year after our divorce. Although we never married, those five years were the best years we had. Although unfortunately life turns caused the demise of the relationship, I will never forget it.
3
One in a million.
1
While I think it depends upon the ages of the children, I think that this type of endeavor will confuse them in the long run. It's very nice that this worked out for everyone's vacation, but the divorce is new, and frankly I can't help but wonder if the children are even aware of its meaning in terms of mommy and daddy not being a couple.
I fully support co-parenting, but I do not think it's a good idea to co-vacation with children. They need time to adjust to the divorce, and you are not letting them do that. I am a child of divorce, BTW. Just my 2 cents.
I fully support co-parenting, but I do not think it's a good idea to co-vacation with children. They need time to adjust to the divorce, and you are not letting them do that. I am a child of divorce, BTW. Just my 2 cents.
10
I am glad the author has found a measure of happiness, and has come out the other side of an awful conflict. Kudos to her, her children, and her ex-husband!
They are clearly managing very, very well as parents, without being romantically linked on a permanent basis.
But, let's take it a bit further. Why should society have a legal institution of marriage, any more? Maybe, instead of trying to achieve marriage equality, we should just talk about marriage abolition. For everyone.
It would simplify the tax code, retirement planning, etc. Everyone would just maintain separate bank accounts, pensions, etc. Parents could choose to live under the same roof, or not. No pressure. No "forever after." No decades of grim determination to remain in an unsatisfactory partnership, for whatever reason.
If Mom and Dad get tired of one another, they could just have boy/girl-friends. They could even have kids with other people. I mean, this is what people are doing, anyway, right?
Maybe marriage is just not a viable institution, anymore? I mean, if this were a type of business partnership, and failed on the order of half the time because one of the partners wanted out, nobody would enter into it!
It's relatively simple to figure out child support, etc., based on custodial arrangements, income, etc., of the parents if they don't share a household. Most states just have a fomula--plug in the numbers, and out pops an obligation, right? Fair enough.
Who are we fooling?
They are clearly managing very, very well as parents, without being romantically linked on a permanent basis.
But, let's take it a bit further. Why should society have a legal institution of marriage, any more? Maybe, instead of trying to achieve marriage equality, we should just talk about marriage abolition. For everyone.
It would simplify the tax code, retirement planning, etc. Everyone would just maintain separate bank accounts, pensions, etc. Parents could choose to live under the same roof, or not. No pressure. No "forever after." No decades of grim determination to remain in an unsatisfactory partnership, for whatever reason.
If Mom and Dad get tired of one another, they could just have boy/girl-friends. They could even have kids with other people. I mean, this is what people are doing, anyway, right?
Maybe marriage is just not a viable institution, anymore? I mean, if this were a type of business partnership, and failed on the order of half the time because one of the partners wanted out, nobody would enter into it!
It's relatively simple to figure out child support, etc., based on custodial arrangements, income, etc., of the parents if they don't share a household. Most states just have a fomula--plug in the numbers, and out pops an obligation, right? Fair enough.
Who are we fooling?
7
This writer mentions that this marriage was brief and that they didn't treat each other very well throughout. Yet, they brought TWO children into a bad relationship and divorced soon after.
Why oh why do adults do this?
Children aren't "marital accessories" - They are utterly dependent, vulnerable human beings.
So many "educated" adults fail at appreciating the longterm developmental needs of children before they take on the responsibility of popping them out.
Any divorce profoundly affects kids forever. Just because their divorced parents "get along well" does not erase the lifelong implications for their children. The children's emotional needs are rarely given priority, adequately addressed (or even recognized) over the LONG haul. Adults who think otherwise are kidding themselves.
Why oh why do adults do this?
Children aren't "marital accessories" - They are utterly dependent, vulnerable human beings.
So many "educated" adults fail at appreciating the longterm developmental needs of children before they take on the responsibility of popping them out.
Any divorce profoundly affects kids forever. Just because their divorced parents "get along well" does not erase the lifelong implications for their children. The children's emotional needs are rarely given priority, adequately addressed (or even recognized) over the LONG haul. Adults who think otherwise are kidding themselves.
13
A charming story.
What's life like for the children after three happy days?
What's life like for the children after three happy days?
13
What a beautiful story to share with us. I was very impressed that you and your ex could rise above your anger and put your children first. Bravo!!!!!
5
For years I was married to same "what about me" self centered little girl.
But I pulled my weight and always attempted to include and negotiate to make sure everybody's voice was heard just as I was taught to love honor and cherish my wife, as I was raised. Took care of her though three major depressions, shelled out for lots of care, even helped find a drug trial program to hep one of our daughter's get though Lyme disease at $1,800 a week for 3 years, when my self centered, "what about me," other ranted about my working hard to support it all and spread my care and attention and love all over the family.
"Reward" came in three parts...
1) Grey divorce, which really crushed me back then, as she said "I am mad at you for the choices you made to defend and support the family."
2)A five year divorce from hell, because then everything wrong in her life was my fault.
3) A very happy day two weeks ago when a judge finally had enough and not only reset everything back to Summer of 2010 but said to her..
“Some day, you may tell your kids that "I should have stayed married to your father." What he did, most men would not do. But you want him out of your life, well I will grant you that and no more and nothing else. So I am forcing a divorce decree today at 10:38 Am on September 17, 2015…he has the patience of job, a big heart and he stood by his vows, he stood by you, he stood by your family when you were ill, he stood by your two daughters, not many men would ever do that."
But I pulled my weight and always attempted to include and negotiate to make sure everybody's voice was heard just as I was taught to love honor and cherish my wife, as I was raised. Took care of her though three major depressions, shelled out for lots of care, even helped find a drug trial program to hep one of our daughter's get though Lyme disease at $1,800 a week for 3 years, when my self centered, "what about me," other ranted about my working hard to support it all and spread my care and attention and love all over the family.
"Reward" came in three parts...
1) Grey divorce, which really crushed me back then, as she said "I am mad at you for the choices you made to defend and support the family."
2)A five year divorce from hell, because then everything wrong in her life was my fault.
3) A very happy day two weeks ago when a judge finally had enough and not only reset everything back to Summer of 2010 but said to her..
“Some day, you may tell your kids that "I should have stayed married to your father." What he did, most men would not do. But you want him out of your life, well I will grant you that and no more and nothing else. So I am forcing a divorce decree today at 10:38 Am on September 17, 2015…he has the patience of job, a big heart and he stood by his vows, he stood by you, he stood by your family when you were ill, he stood by your two daughters, not many men would ever do that."
13
OH MY GOD! Good for you! I admire your fortitude and commend your ability to withstand that insanity for so long! Now please go out and live a big fat beautiful life out loud! Please take good care of yourself and indulge in some of the things that makes your toes curl with joy!
Do not change who you are and for God sakes don't look back! Be open to the good that's coming to you because you have certainly earned it!
Do not change who you are and for God sakes don't look back! Be open to the good that's coming to you because you have certainly earned it!
1
I really like this column. While the vacation described is extra-special, contrary to some of the commenters, I know a few divorced couples that get along fine with each other, and I have very close relationships with a several former girlfriends, and in two cases, their spouses.
I do think that in relationships generally, and especially marriage, it helps to have my brother's motto for his marriage, which I derived independently: "if you're happy, I'm happy." And check your ego at the door.
I do think that in relationships generally, and especially marriage, it helps to have my brother's motto for his marriage, which I derived independently: "if you're happy, I'm happy." And check your ego at the door.
8
The author somehow manages to avoid telling the story of what happened.
24
If she'd given us more details, people would be criticizing her for doing so.
I think the point is that we need to make the best of what we can. Salvage what can be saved and recycle the rest. Marriage is hard but divorce isn't easy, especially when considering the kids' welfare.
4
Not only is this lovely, this can happen to YOU if you make it a priority. My x and I made it a priority to be friends for the kids, to do things together, to hang out, and you know what...we are really friends now. We enjoy each other's company. My x is remarried to a lovely woman and she is cool with hanging out too. This is possible - to all the naysayers in this comment thread - you can do it too. It's mind over matter.
10
I am a divorced father in the midst of continued struggles. What this woman wrote brought tears to my eyes. The just plan mean things that others have said just misses the points that are made. And yes things will change over time but what a great start for these children. And what a wonderful thing for these two adults. Divorce is sad and angry for many of us, Lara give us all some hope and a beacon that perhaps we should consider. It isn't about being naïve it is about a better solution and way of living. Thank you for sharing this and giving those of us who want to think about a better way some hope.
15
They are still in the honeymoon of the divorce, where the relief from separation and good intentions toward the children outweigh bitterness, regret and vengeance. Give it time! The petty irritations, greed and insatiable desire for revenge will creep back in. We took just such an idyllic family vacation early on. Nowadays, I cannot even reschedule a tennis lesson, or allow our now-teenage son to visit his girlfriend, without dozens of angry accusatory emails.
3
This is absolutly a fake. I always believe that divorce is a failure. And everyone that pretend divorce is something acceptible is a liar. Period
Great James. I wish you luck with your version of life, however limited it may be.
3
A loveless marriage is the fake.
2
Gee, good luck with that. (And calling those with whom you disagree makes them a liar? Good luck with that and spelling class, as well.)
6
I think there's a lesson here: always treat your spouse as least as well as you would treat an ex-spouse.
12
Carolyn Hax (the Washington Post advice columnist) says to ask yourself, "How would this person treat me if we were to divorce someday?" before marriage.
6
So now that marriage equality is the law of the land, what will the divorce rate for gay couples be?
Gay couples, of course, are "God-less" according to most straight religious people, so surely the gay divorce rate will be greater than 50%, the rate for straight and religious people.
Of course, some gay couples will break up and go their separate ways. In fact, I'm surprised NBC Dateline and CBS 48 Hours hasn't had any programs about a gay spouse murdering her or his spouse. They often present cases of a religious minister, having an affair, and then murdering his wife.
But as gays had to work so hard for marriage equality, will they, in general, appreciate it more than do we straights, who for centuries were basically forced to marry, even if we weren't, and were forced to stay together, long after love the marriage>
Gay couples, of course, are "God-less" according to most straight religious people, so surely the gay divorce rate will be greater than 50%, the rate for straight and religious people.
Of course, some gay couples will break up and go their separate ways. In fact, I'm surprised NBC Dateline and CBS 48 Hours hasn't had any programs about a gay spouse murdering her or his spouse. They often present cases of a religious minister, having an affair, and then murdering his wife.
But as gays had to work so hard for marriage equality, will they, in general, appreciate it more than do we straights, who for centuries were basically forced to marry, even if we weren't, and were forced to stay together, long after love the marriage>
2
This is lovely. You two are truly parent-partners. You are really a model for others. My brand new books, A Parent-Partner Status for American Family Law (Cambridge 2015) and Living Life as Parent-Partners (2015), are both about creating strong parent-partnerships for children regardless of whether the parents are married, unmarried, split or together. In the second book, which is written for a popular audience, I even talk about vacationing with your ex. Vacationing together would be difficult for many, but it is a great goal. Your children are lucky, and the rest of us are fortunate that you shared such a vivid example of what couples with children should aspire to do. Thanks.
6
I wish I were still married; sometimes though, things just don't work out.
Those of us who divorced can feel awful or we can move on and try to do better.
To happily married couples telling us we didn't try hard enough, etc.: please stop! Even the Pope said "who am I to judge?"
Those of us who divorced can feel awful or we can move on and try to do better.
To happily married couples telling us we didn't try hard enough, etc.: please stop! Even the Pope said "who am I to judge?"
14
The people who've told you that you didn't try hard enough were being really rude.
5
Perhaps the happily married people tried harder and decided to speak kindly to each other before divorcing.
The author doesn't share whether alcohol, drogs, abuse or infidelity were an issue.
The author doesn't share whether alcohol, drogs, abuse or infidelity were an issue.
Buried their kids in sand up to their necks on a Northern California beach? Really dumb. Ever heard of a "rogue wave"?
6
I'm honestly happy for the author that this is how things are working out for her, but it's one data point in a really messy set. Now let's hear someone tell the same story with a new girlfriend or boyfriend in tow...
4
I admire separated families who can make a go of shared family time, but wonder if that's do-able for the long term. From your story it's easy to see why the vacation went so well - you planned ahead, you negotiated, you agreed to all the tedious details including, I assume, the finances involved. All the things you could have done if you were still a married couple. You were nice to each other. Love for each other no longer being a bone of contention, the only love that factored in here was your mutual love for your kids. Why is it so hard for married couples to just be nice to each other?
19
A beautifully written piece. For those would would criticize, why?
Divorced parents with happy, laughing children - and who can be in the same place, the same room, on the same beach, without a screaming match. They are fortunate and thoughtrful.
And yes, there will be no 25th anniversary celebration. So what?
Divorced parents with happy, laughing children - and who can be in the same place, the same room, on the same beach, without a screaming match. They are fortunate and thoughtrful.
And yes, there will be no 25th anniversary celebration. So what?
11
But as gays had to work so hard for marriage equality, will gays, in general, appreciate marriage more than do we straights, who for centuries were basically forced to marry, even if we weren't ready, and were then forced to stay together, in loveless marriages, long after love left the marriage?
2
My ex and I were both very aware that we had divorced each other, not our kids, so after we divorced we continued to attend, together, things like school functions in which our kids were participating. And yet there were always a few people who would go out of their way to come up and say "I thought you two were DIVORCED!" as if we shouldn't be sitting together, enjoying watching our son play in a concert. There are apparently still a lot of people out there who think the only way to be divorced is to loathe each other. Here's to all of us who are intent on proving them wrong.
29
One of the most beautiful stories that I have read in a very long time. I wish I could have read this 30 yrs ago during my divorce. It is possible...
9
I dont get why your (the authors) generation is so intent on splitting parenting duties 50-50. Thats not strictly necessary to have a good working relationship.
5
It also seems to advertise, "No one likes it! It's purely a chore! - and unlike our pathetic, chained mothers of yore, we won't miss it when it's over!"
2
Maybe the women like it, so they aren't stuck doing 99.9999% of the chores.
2
My first serious girlfriend was going to medical school. I broke up with her because a) she was the kind of person who should have gone to medical school, but I didn't want to live with a physician.
My second serious girlfriend was going to law school. I broke up for her for reasons that I don't really understand. But after getting a law degree she became the CEO of a hospital. So it was probably for the best.
My third serious girlfriend was a keeper. But at the time I was not. She's now a successful special education teacher.
Who I thought would be my last serious girlfriend was trying to get into medical school, and I was on board with it. But she never got in. And it seems that she had "gone out" with me because she thought I was her "gay" friend.
I've been in the final relationship and later marriage for 24 years. I left Protestantism and God before I had any serious girlfriend. My wife has been a lapsed, non-practicing Catholic for most of her adult life. I love the comments that marriage has anything to do with God.
My second serious girlfriend was going to law school. I broke up for her for reasons that I don't really understand. But after getting a law degree she became the CEO of a hospital. So it was probably for the best.
My third serious girlfriend was a keeper. But at the time I was not. She's now a successful special education teacher.
Who I thought would be my last serious girlfriend was trying to get into medical school, and I was on board with it. But she never got in. And it seems that she had "gone out" with me because she thought I was her "gay" friend.
I've been in the final relationship and later marriage for 24 years. I left Protestantism and God before I had any serious girlfriend. My wife has been a lapsed, non-practicing Catholic for most of her adult life. I love the comments that marriage has anything to do with God.
6
I felt sad after reading this article as it seems as if perhaps given the needed outside support that this relationship may have been repaired. It seems as if there are more positive emotions now, which is often the case with time. It is so challenging for 2 parents who are working to raise young children, yet it does get easier in a way as the children are older. I am concerned that this short holiday, if not explained to the children, may be confusing for them afterwards. There are many ways to parent and be a family I agree. It's not for outsiders to judge if they are not in the situation, however childrens' voices can easily be temporarily lost when the adults are preoccupied with their own emotional challenges over a lengthy period of time.
9
Well it works as long as the incomes of both are about the same......she is a lawyer.....the entire structure of the divorce industry is built on generating a huge transaction fee........for the lawyers......If one has children divorce is not an option.......absent violence or drugs.......The only option is to suck it up for 18 years....and learn to get along......forgive and forget........
3
A beautiful column. Please just enjoy this lovely experience that you and your ex-husband created for your family. Whatever the reasons your marriage was no longer viable, you are forging a different path for your family to continue to have love, support, and shared experiences. Others are frighteningly quick to judge -and condemn - these alternate routes, but stick to your untruth and you will work it out together.
13
Very nice story about what matters in life and making your children a priority, just because a marriage is over does not mean you cant show love and respect to a person you once loved and is still an important part of your life. My ex and I never went on vacations together but we both shared our lives with children and new relationships that may be hard to mix into one but did and worked out the best for all involved. I guess all the negative comments are the same people who cant turn around a divorce and end up bitter and angry the rest of their lives. This is a very positive story and I give you and your ex credit for making it happen for you and your children. All the best as you head down this road, but you seem to have exactly the kind of attitude to make a joyful life and that's what its all about.
10
At least you are both making the effort and need to be commended for that. The anger, hate, name-calling, bitterness, and worse is never a real solution now is it? Smart, thinking people do what you two are doing.
4
Your story just proved that you should have stayed together. It demonstrates that you both could choose to get along. You clearly chose not to during your marriage. It was a choice you made - to hold grudges, to not forgive, to not let stuff go. Sad.
In my many years, with one divorce where my ex-wife admitted that our divorce was the worst decision she ever made, I have found that the secret to a successful marriage is simple - don't leave. Aside from abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment, there is little that cannot be worked out. As my uncle once said, "Since when did marriage have anything to do with being happy?!?" I laughed at that one! So true. And when children are involved it is much more important. Sad that people give up and that our laws make it so easy.
In my many years, with one divorce where my ex-wife admitted that our divorce was the worst decision she ever made, I have found that the secret to a successful marriage is simple - don't leave. Aside from abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment, there is little that cannot be worked out. As my uncle once said, "Since when did marriage have anything to do with being happy?!?" I laughed at that one! So true. And when children are involved it is much more important. Sad that people give up and that our laws make it so easy.
14
This is a beautiful article and well written, with a sensitivity that is embodied in the 4th of July weekend experience. Human relationships are complicated. Every family system is a curious cocktail of ingredients, and sometimes the individual ingredients, while perfect in and of themselves, do not mix well.
In my vocation, I am a divorce and custody lawyer. Most of the time, I see parents completely lacking in the mindfulness that Lara Bazelon has practiced, an awareness and practice of compassion for her children and her family as a whole that even her husband sensed on the last evening together. Was his moment of "transcendence" enough to keep the family together...likely no...the ingredients were the same and all of the shaking and stirring won't make a healthy mixture. But, with their happy children as a metaphor, a lot of positives can be cultivated even in divorce.
So, I celebrate Lara's spirit, and her mindfulness, and the fact that her children will likely develop with secure and kind hearts as an outcome from her healthy collaboration with her ex-husband. I'd welcome seeing more of this in the courtrooms I visit each week.
In my vocation, I am a divorce and custody lawyer. Most of the time, I see parents completely lacking in the mindfulness that Lara Bazelon has practiced, an awareness and practice of compassion for her children and her family as a whole that even her husband sensed on the last evening together. Was his moment of "transcendence" enough to keep the family together...likely no...the ingredients were the same and all of the shaking and stirring won't make a healthy mixture. But, with their happy children as a metaphor, a lot of positives can be cultivated even in divorce.
So, I celebrate Lara's spirit, and her mindfulness, and the fact that her children will likely develop with secure and kind hearts as an outcome from her healthy collaboration with her ex-husband. I'd welcome seeing more of this in the courtrooms I visit each week.
8
mindfulness -- what does that mean?
2
I think that the efforts to get over acrimony and anger for the sake of the children are excellent and the decision to divorce was obviously more involved than portrayed and not really subject to judgment from readers. Relationship dynamics are complicated. However though I understand and support amicable relations post divorce for the benefit of the kids I question whether going on vacation together creates an inconsistent message for the children. Kids want their parents together at that age so going on vacation might fuel that hope. That may be why they were wildly happy. And if the marriage was so horrible that the kids wanted the parents to be apart, a vacation together might fuel anxiety that there will be full reconciliation. Either way, the lack of boundaries that they can navigate and understand can be difficult for the kids.
6
After a divorce, the parents and kids are still family. Taking a vacation together with the kids can be the same as taking a vacation with grandparents, aunts and uncles or other family.
I vacation with my ex and have a few friends who do the same. It is 2015. Kids see so many different types of family structures. They get it. Happy parents, getting along as friends and family are a gift to kids.
I vacation with my ex and have a few friends who do the same. It is 2015. Kids see so many different types of family structures. They get it. Happy parents, getting along as friends and family are a gift to kids.
3
When I was just 8, my sister, 5 and our baby brother a few months old, mom and dad separated. They were apart for almost 4 years. Dad moved to another state. He visited now and then and even sent a few dollars too. We lived in poverty, alone, no car, little food or clothing and sometimes no heating fuel in Glens Falls NY. It was cold in many ways.
In June 1959 our parents, somehow, reunited. My sister and I remember it very well. A year later our youngest brother was born. Dad died in 1971. We all miss him terribly.
Many years later, 1996, after 25 years of marriage my beloved walked out with another man. We had a son in college and a daughter in high school. The anger, bitterness, dismay and disbelief left me gasping for air.
Now 19 years later I'm reading a story about a woman, an attorney, who is looking at divorce as "not about quitting; it is about letting go of one relationship in exchange for another. The equation isn’t love/not love. Divorce, at its best, is a love reborn — birthed from heartache and rage and despair and ultimately, forgiveness — that creates a different kind of family."
I believe that Ms. Bazelon has tried to create a legalistic, moralistic, atavistic and critical analysis to her divorce and partial reconciliation. It rings false, cold and brutally scientific and bereft of realism. She followed a script.
Marriage, separation, divorce and reconciliation are messy. Cradling a glass of wine is not embracing children or each other. It's cold.
In June 1959 our parents, somehow, reunited. My sister and I remember it very well. A year later our youngest brother was born. Dad died in 1971. We all miss him terribly.
Many years later, 1996, after 25 years of marriage my beloved walked out with another man. We had a son in college and a daughter in high school. The anger, bitterness, dismay and disbelief left me gasping for air.
Now 19 years later I'm reading a story about a woman, an attorney, who is looking at divorce as "not about quitting; it is about letting go of one relationship in exchange for another. The equation isn’t love/not love. Divorce, at its best, is a love reborn — birthed from heartache and rage and despair and ultimately, forgiveness — that creates a different kind of family."
I believe that Ms. Bazelon has tried to create a legalistic, moralistic, atavistic and critical analysis to her divorce and partial reconciliation. It rings false, cold and brutally scientific and bereft of realism. She followed a script.
Marriage, separation, divorce and reconciliation are messy. Cradling a glass of wine is not embracing children or each other. It's cold.
11
Perhaps the author's marriage, separation and divorce were profoundly "messy." That she and her ex found a path to such a healthy place is not false at all. They have transcended the usual script and written their own.
7
Having read Ms. Bazelon's essay in full, I have to say that the bitter charicature of the author which you paint is all but unrecognizeable. Rather, it coheres depressingly with your personal anecdote.
5
Arrangement described here sounds nice. It will change when either parent has another serious relationship, marriage, family.
Wish author had given some indication of what caused the split. They fought over laundry, etc. because...? Not that calling it quits isn't necessary sometimes, but it feels like something's missing.
Wish author had given some indication of what caused the split. They fought over laundry, etc. because...? Not that calling it quits isn't necessary sometimes, but it feels like something's missing.
3
When my wife and I got divorced after 17 years it was because we failed to keep making each other the most important people in our lives. Our 13 year old son understood this, felt it in the air, and realized (like his parents) the tension was not energy to thrive and grow up in.
I am not sure whether a 13 year old is smarter than a 4 or 6 year old when it comes to comprehending divorce. Separately we continued to love, take care of, and share the responsibility of parenting. We both had good extended families that contributed much to our parenting.
Not sure what it means, but he has never asked me a single question about our divorce.
I am not sure whether a 13 year old is smarter than a 4 or 6 year old when it comes to comprehending divorce. Separately we continued to love, take care of, and share the responsibility of parenting. We both had good extended families that contributed much to our parenting.
Not sure what it means, but he has never asked me a single question about our divorce.
5
My ex-partner and I have three children (3,5,7) together, and have more or less graduated to a post-relationship relationship like that which Lara described. We live together sometimes, vacation together sometimes and share our children's lives more or less together. Though I am there less than she, as I live elsewhere and travel to them for weeks at a time, it's not that we are a separated family, we are separated romantically, and it has infinitely improved our family lives. It seems to me that if other couples were able to let their relationships evolve, if and when their romantic relationship ends , then their family status could remain intact. And, by the way, my ex-partner has lovers and I am in a new, three year old relationship with a 6 month old son, and we are all integrated in a very lovely way.
10
You are very fortunate. Sounds like a great relationship all around!
Oh, "final sickening turn," I get it (duh). There is an indication why the split occurred. That's a whole other story, but I still think that leaving out some account of it makes this one incomplete.
4
Respectfully disagree. The story is about the aftermath and management of life after the divorce, not the reason for the divorce.
5
I didn't get it.... what was the final sickening turn?
2
That's a wonderful story. This past July, like every year, I went to my ex wife's home for my sons birthday party. This year he was 17 and all of his cousins, grandma's and grandpa's, aunt's, and uncle's were present. It was again a wonderful time and seeing everybody again was also nice. I still love and care for all the people actually. I also think it's so great for my son to see us get along, respect each other, and care for one another even though our marriage didn't pan out. We both have been really careful to never put the other down in anyway in front of our son. This has been important for his development and self esteem. I read that when slandering of the other parent happens in front of the child the child sometimes believes it's somehow his or her fault. It's also not good for the child's self esteem and development mentally and emotionally. Forgiving is so powerful because it freed me from a self imposed prison and it also opened up another relationship, which is great for my son.
18
I'm particularly confused when I encounter those who married later and are now 40+ ....divorced with young children. Strikes me as being in the worst possible position.
Did the extended post college years of relative freedom create tension when the needs of a second becomes equally important? Does the natural importance of 30's career path get in the way of compromise? A poor choice, forced by the sense of being alone with time passing you by ?
Sorry, don't understand. How does one -- "not treat each other well" .. why get married?
Earth to people: Marriage is about making the other feel "safe", "loved" and "appreciated" ... and guess what ..that takes effort and work. Hard times ?? They will come (individually and as a couple) and that takes more work!
Married at 31, now 25 years later I'm so glad we were able to ride out many of the small bumps that everyone goes through. Those friends divorced and 50 with kids in high school had a hard time.
Did the extended post college years of relative freedom create tension when the needs of a second becomes equally important? Does the natural importance of 30's career path get in the way of compromise? A poor choice, forced by the sense of being alone with time passing you by ?
Sorry, don't understand. How does one -- "not treat each other well" .. why get married?
Earth to people: Marriage is about making the other feel "safe", "loved" and "appreciated" ... and guess what ..that takes effort and work. Hard times ?? They will come (individually and as a couple) and that takes more work!
Married at 31, now 25 years later I'm so glad we were able to ride out many of the small bumps that everyone goes through. Those friends divorced and 50 with kids in high school had a hard time.
7
As a recently divorced 50 year-old, with a 12 year old son and a 19 year-old daughter, I can attest that this comment is representative of 90% of the smug, self-satisfied feedback I get from others who are still married.
I can also attest that I, my ex-wife, and both kids are more happy that we were in the 22 years of my marriage.
Earth to married people; sometimes divorce is a necessary evil. And all your smug schadenfreude might eventually catch up to you GT....
I can also attest that I, my ex-wife, and both kids are more happy that we were in the 22 years of my marriage.
Earth to married people; sometimes divorce is a necessary evil. And all your smug schadenfreude might eventually catch up to you GT....
22
why cannot you just be happy for him? You know how hard it was so you should be sort of happy some do make it.
If you cannot be happy even a person you do not know...is it usually hard for you to be happy for anyone?
If you cannot be happy even a person you do not know...is it usually hard for you to be happy for anyone?
Earth to DK, no, you really cannot attest to your kids being happier now that you are divorced. They may just be putting you in the "dad had a mid-life crisis and wants to be young again category." A lot of kids are smart enough to know their parents don't really want to hear what the kids think.
3
Rreality check Most people forgive others but most people never forgive them selves for mistakes they made.Forgiveness is key to happiness in any realtioship as friends or being married . Unforently people tend to be hard wired to be negative ,having faith in god an sharing that experiace can be difference of living life being happy an or unhappy . I prefer being happy with wife an go to church an share the experaince makes her happy makes me happy ty god
4
GWE is right. To never be humbled, that may be the true "fractured beauty" of divorce. It may even have some social value - but probably not, in the aggregate, as much as sustaining a marriage.
But, of course, anecdote is paramount.
But, of course, anecdote is paramount.
1
Relationships are like staring at yourself in a mirror. Who are you fighting with and why? It takes a lot of maturity to be in an honest relationship. Most are not!
Good for your children. The better you can be as divorced parents, the easier the transition for your kids. Good luck!
Good for your children. The better you can be as divorced parents, the easier the transition for your kids. Good luck!
9
100 years ago the average life expectancy for humans in wealthy countries was around 50 years of age.
Death in farm and industrial accidents was common.
But many women died during child birth, and few people had yet learned about bacteria, hygiene, infectious diseases and vaccines.
Our cognition has not evolved to match our age. Many people are in severe cognitive decline long before they reach the ends of their lives. If anything, technology is degrading and replacing our cognition.
Death in farm and industrial accidents was common.
But many women died during child birth, and few people had yet learned about bacteria, hygiene, infectious diseases and vaccines.
Our cognition has not evolved to match our age. Many people are in severe cognitive decline long before they reach the ends of their lives. If anything, technology is degrading and replacing our cognition.
1
Relationship strife has always existed in marriages, even many decades ago when divorce was less common. The difference is that today when the marriage doesn't match the blissful fantasy, we actually side with the fantasy and choose to end it. And let us be sure that the fantasy has evolved too, marriage as a blissful, soul fulfilling solution to one's happiness is a modern invention.
What doesn't end, as this article describes well is the relationship. Despite what many think, the relationship between parents is permanent. They can choose to ignore it, or spend the rest of post-divorce life hiding from it but it's still there. Decades ago married couples got past differences, accepted a non-fantasy reality to parenting and life went on. Just listen to grandparents married for 50+ years, it isn't all good times but the relationship is still there. It's hugely different than a 20 something woman romancing about her wedding or amazing marriage to make her whole.
I hope for a modern era as peaceful as this article describes, where the enduring relationship overshadows these marital absolutes. And where we can make our lives and families positive and happy no matter what life brings us.
What doesn't end, as this article describes well is the relationship. Despite what many think, the relationship between parents is permanent. They can choose to ignore it, or spend the rest of post-divorce life hiding from it but it's still there. Decades ago married couples got past differences, accepted a non-fantasy reality to parenting and life went on. Just listen to grandparents married for 50+ years, it isn't all good times but the relationship is still there. It's hugely different than a 20 something woman romancing about her wedding or amazing marriage to make her whole.
I hope for a modern era as peaceful as this article describes, where the enduring relationship overshadows these marital absolutes. And where we can make our lives and families positive and happy no matter what life brings us.
5
I have read countless narratives just like this in different literary forums. The one thing that is always very apparent to me is that the writer is always frantically trying to justify to him/her self and to anybody that will listen (although they themselves would never see it this way) that the kids will be just fine with divorced parents because the parents act or think in a certain way. Sorry, but this is bunk, kids are irreparably harmed by divorce, in every case, whether anyone cares to admit it or not. That said, I offer no third alternative for making the situation anything other than the huge mess it is. I am not advocating they stay married until (as this writer suggests) she would have gone insane. On the other hand divorce for young kids is not ever puppy dogs and lollipops, and a parent should not EVER delude themselves that it is OK to divorce because if I and my former spouse act in a certain way the kids will be just fine, they won't.
6
If you get along that well, why not stay together, but sleep in separate rooms. It should work until one of you wants somebody else in his/her bed.
1
poor guy sounds like you married miserable piece of work.
This article sounds like the expressions of a little self centered girl pretending to be a mature woman. She transfers her perceived failures on to her ex husband. Addmits that she hates him and does not respect him, I wounded if he would write the same junk about her? I doubt he would, cause if he did this vacation would never happen.
Love the writing can't Waite to see why she gets divorced next time.
This article sounds like the expressions of a little self centered girl pretending to be a mature woman. She transfers her perceived failures on to her ex husband. Addmits that she hates him and does not respect him, I wounded if he would write the same junk about her? I doubt he would, cause if he did this vacation would never happen.
Love the writing can't Waite to see why she gets divorced next time.
9
Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.
It's a coin toss.
It's a coin toss.
"Happy families are not all alike." Why would they be?
"The parents are just on the other side of 40, still relatively young, still relatively attractive." So?
"The scene I am describing is not fiction..."
So? "My vacations as a child were mostly happy. But the day my parents separated when I was 24 was one of the happiest days of my life.
"This is my story..."
My parents' families (though not their story) is portrayed perfectly in the film "Nebraska."
"I grew up in a loving but undeniably hard-charging and overachieving environment, a world of moral absolutes..."
My father was literally a rocket scientist, my mother an English teacher. Neither was religious, but both had firm morals. Almost every one of their sibs has been divorced at least once. Between me and my two sibs, we have been married for a total of 90 years, each to the first and only spouse any of us has had. Go figure.
"I fantasized about getting my former spouse on the witness stand..."
Scary. And that's our legal system as well as our political system.
"Then I woke up one day and realized it wasn't true."
"It" never is.
"...the world of moral absolutes is ill-suited..."
for almost everything because the world is not absolute.
"It was a little insane..."
Some people can pull it off.
"Happy families are not all alike. MOST are fractured and misshapen."
Try Tim Minchin's nine life lessons:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5RBG1PadWI
Good luck!
"The parents are just on the other side of 40, still relatively young, still relatively attractive." So?
"The scene I am describing is not fiction..."
So? "My vacations as a child were mostly happy. But the day my parents separated when I was 24 was one of the happiest days of my life.
"This is my story..."
My parents' families (though not their story) is portrayed perfectly in the film "Nebraska."
"I grew up in a loving but undeniably hard-charging and overachieving environment, a world of moral absolutes..."
My father was literally a rocket scientist, my mother an English teacher. Neither was religious, but both had firm morals. Almost every one of their sibs has been divorced at least once. Between me and my two sibs, we have been married for a total of 90 years, each to the first and only spouse any of us has had. Go figure.
"I fantasized about getting my former spouse on the witness stand..."
Scary. And that's our legal system as well as our political system.
"Then I woke up one day and realized it wasn't true."
"It" never is.
"...the world of moral absolutes is ill-suited..."
for almost everything because the world is not absolute.
"It was a little insane..."
Some people can pull it off.
"Happy families are not all alike. MOST are fractured and misshapen."
Try Tim Minchin's nine life lessons:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5RBG1PadWI
Good luck!
4
My father and mother separated after 25 years of marriage. Neither was religious. My father never went to church. My mother made us go as she seemed to think it was important. After they separated each moved on with last 15 to 20 years of their lives, although my mother always seemed to wonder occasionally what had gone wrong. But overall everything was much better for everyone after my parents separated for good.
My father-in-law died 17 years ago. My mother-in-law has never been anything but nice to me, so I hold no hard feeling about her of any kind. But since her husband died she have been praying each day for God to take her away. When I say she was a housewife who never worked much, I mean it. The couple always could afford a house servant. While my father-in-law worked each summer, my mother-in-law took the kids for two months to live in a rental house on the beach.
Then my father-in-law, a fine fellow, went bankrupt and then he died. For 17 years my wife and I, along with my sister-in-law and her husband, have been supporting my mother-in-law financially. My in-laws built an edition to their home to house mom in comfort. Yet each day my mother-in-law is more bitter than the day before. No one loves her, she says. And no one is going to heaven (she is now fervently religious; none of us are religious at all).
This story is not fiction. Our families are what they are. The idealized TV family has NEVER existed. Ever. Some of us are luckier than others.
My father-in-law died 17 years ago. My mother-in-law has never been anything but nice to me, so I hold no hard feeling about her of any kind. But since her husband died she have been praying each day for God to take her away. When I say she was a housewife who never worked much, I mean it. The couple always could afford a house servant. While my father-in-law worked each summer, my mother-in-law took the kids for two months to live in a rental house on the beach.
Then my father-in-law, a fine fellow, went bankrupt and then he died. For 17 years my wife and I, along with my sister-in-law and her husband, have been supporting my mother-in-law financially. My in-laws built an edition to their home to house mom in comfort. Yet each day my mother-in-law is more bitter than the day before. No one loves her, she says. And no one is going to heaven (she is now fervently religious; none of us are religious at all).
This story is not fiction. Our families are what they are. The idealized TV family has NEVER existed. Ever. Some of us are luckier than others.
7
A most thoughtful and beautifully-written article. It is troubling to read the sanctimonious comments written by those who "know better", who condemn the author for "bad" choices, for harming the children, or for not knowing they "weren't made for each other" at the beginning. This is a story about ONE family and their solution to the nuanced and complicated world of child-rearing by divorced parents. It is not everyone's story, nor is it meant to be. Love, marriage, divorce, and parenting are not simple formulaic recipes that just require adherence to a few "simple" rules.
11
Beware of the person who uses the word "nuanced". Just sayin'. ;-)
There is a lump in my throat. I will take a deep breath and swallow because families are imperfect but beautiful.
3
The funniest vacation story I know involves a person I barely know. Infact, we only met twice, the second time he didn't remember who I was.
I was going to be in Europe, so a friend gave me a list of the friend's friends and their addresses and telephone numbers.
I was visiting Anne. But Anne didn't have room for me (she was taking care of her elderly mother). So she took me to a restaurant owned by her friend Joseph.
It was a fine restaurant, somewhat upscale, so I got my pick off the menu...and was not allowed to pay. Then Joseph and I went home for the evening.
Joseph seemed, well, a bit gay...and, in fact, he was. But Joseph was also a delightful fellow with which to spend the evening. We sat on the couch drinking wine...and he brought out some photo albums that he wanted to show me...from the last family vacation. There were photos of Phillip, his wife, his son and...her husband!
We finished our wine. Phillip retired to his bedroom and I took the couch. Like I said, the next time we met he didn't even remember I had ever stayed with him.
C'est fini.
I was going to be in Europe, so a friend gave me a list of the friend's friends and their addresses and telephone numbers.
I was visiting Anne. But Anne didn't have room for me (she was taking care of her elderly mother). So she took me to a restaurant owned by her friend Joseph.
It was a fine restaurant, somewhat upscale, so I got my pick off the menu...and was not allowed to pay. Then Joseph and I went home for the evening.
Joseph seemed, well, a bit gay...and, in fact, he was. But Joseph was also a delightful fellow with which to spend the evening. We sat on the couch drinking wine...and he brought out some photo albums that he wanted to show me...from the last family vacation. There were photos of Phillip, his wife, his son and...her husband!
We finished our wine. Phillip retired to his bedroom and I took the couch. Like I said, the next time we met he didn't even remember I had ever stayed with him.
C'est fini.
4
So after 40 are people no longer relatively attractive?
10
Wait until the first one of the parents finds a significant other. Things will change.
I have always found it hard to understand how a man or a woman can concentrate on their children while looking for love in their lives and keeping a job.
I have always found it hard to understand how a man or a woman can concentrate on their children while looking for love in their lives and keeping a job.
8
What a terribly foolish and prideful thing to do.
To each other and to your children.
To each other and to your children.
7
"Happy families are not all alike. Some are fractured and misshapen. To appreciate them, you have to adjust your line of sight, your level of expectation. They have seams and scars. But they are beautiful, still, in their odd imperfect way."
Sounds just like a trial lawyer defending a guilty client.
Sounds just like a trial lawyer defending a guilty client.
8
This template only works if BOTH partners know how to parent, and obviously from the comments, this family did.
One of the things that destroyed my marriage was the lack of parenting and horrible way that my spouse treated our children. My ex was never there emotionally or materially for the kids, though I know he "loved" them to the best if his capability. I don't believe that many dissolutions happen without extreme rancor, and many are fed by avaricious attorneys out for blood. The children invariably are the victims of the family disintegration.
33 years later, I can Monday-morning quarterback and acknowledge that we probably never should have married in the first place, He was not a safe haven for me or a partner in any sense...and I am sure from his perspective, I was not for him. I KNOW that we never could have reached the place that Ms. Bazelon did. I applaud couples who are able to separate their relationships with their children from the disappointments of their failed marriages. These kids can truly believe that both parents still love them.
One of the things that destroyed my marriage was the lack of parenting and horrible way that my spouse treated our children. My ex was never there emotionally or materially for the kids, though I know he "loved" them to the best if his capability. I don't believe that many dissolutions happen without extreme rancor, and many are fed by avaricious attorneys out for blood. The children invariably are the victims of the family disintegration.
33 years later, I can Monday-morning quarterback and acknowledge that we probably never should have married in the first place, He was not a safe haven for me or a partner in any sense...and I am sure from his perspective, I was not for him. I KNOW that we never could have reached the place that Ms. Bazelon did. I applaud couples who are able to separate their relationships with their children from the disappointments of their failed marriages. These kids can truly believe that both parents still love them.
4
Take God out of the equation and the answer is ZERO.
2
I don't usually pass judgments on these personal columns, but I join the chorus of readers who say: bad idea. My parents divorced after a vague separation, during which I kept thinking they would get back together. It was confusing and painful. I was much better off when they were simply out of each other's lives except for logistics. Later, they were always friendly at weddings, grandchildren's birthday parties, and so on, but the marriage was over when it was over. Divorce is ultimately unhappy and traumatic for children. Don't prolong the pain and confusion. The author should make a happy new life for her children and herself. Her refusal "to quit" is her issue, not theirs.
29
"The children talked about the trip for days beforehand and afterward. Throughout, they were nearly wild with happiness." Not to take anything away from your own experience but it sounds as though the kids adjusted well to the experience. It didn't sound as if the kids were asking for the parents to get back together. From my own experience, the less toxicity in a parental relationship, the better for everyone involved.
3
Now she has the proof that what she did was completely and absolutely correct...this vacation proved it. In fact, now she can write a book about the perfect divorce.
3
I think you both actually love and respect each other and share something that no others can, your love and commitment to and with each other for the sake of the wonderful children you created in passion and hope that it would all last and it actually seems to have lasted...that's a story of love and marriage that goes together like a horse and carriage...you can't have one without the other!
8
I learn nothing from this article. It's a tired, old story: do it for the sake of the children. The mystery is why couples have children when they are unsuited for each other. The result is always disastrous, especially for the children.
5
It's great that you and your ex-husband can now be mature adults, set your differences aside, for the greater good--that being the family and specifically your young children, "conceived in love that was passionate and tender". It's unfortunate that you lacked that maturity when you married and divorced. Marriage is not for sissies. It is a great sacrifice and it is about putting others ahead of yourself, not being a doormat, just having humility, compassion, and forgiveness. Does that sound familiar to anyone that is Christian?? Having been married 30 years, I strongly agree with GWE and Gregg below.
9
Luckily, this story is not that uncommon. The worst parents are unhappy parents. Agreeing that your children should not suffer for your mistakes is a key part of becoming better parents.
However, I cannot help but think the ol' biological clock played a huge role in having children too quickly and too close together. This played a large role in my friend's marriage and divorce; what chance does a marriage have when you (must) become parents before you are ready?
However, I cannot help but think the ol' biological clock played a huge role in having children too quickly and too close together. This played a large role in my friend's marriage and divorce; what chance does a marriage have when you (must) become parents before you are ready?
7
Somehow there's a lesson in the fact that this piece is listed under the "Fashion and Style" section.
10
There is.
"You can't have it all."
Ever.
Thoreau: "...men labor under a mistake. The better part of the man is soon plowed into the soil for compost. By a seeming fate, commonly called necessity, they are employed, as it says in an old book, laying up treasures which moth and rust will corrupt and thieves break through and steal. It is a fool's life, as they will find when they get to the end of it, if not before. ... Most men, even in this comparatively free country, through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them."
"You can't have it all."
Ever.
Thoreau: "...men labor under a mistake. The better part of the man is soon plowed into the soil for compost. By a seeming fate, commonly called necessity, they are employed, as it says in an old book, laying up treasures which moth and rust will corrupt and thieves break through and steal. It is a fool's life, as they will find when they get to the end of it, if not before. ... Most men, even in this comparatively free country, through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them."
1
I agree. It's in the fashion and style section because it's about optics, a singular well written positive point of view that tugs on the heart strings of anyone that has been within point blank range of a divorce that involves children.
Marriage, children and divorce are very complex subjects individually, let alone as a gestalt. There's no way this subject could be discussed with any insight or wisdom in a short NYT column because of it's complexity.
I think it served it's purpose in the Fashion and Style section. It generates a very visceral reaction.
Marriage, children and divorce are very complex subjects individually, let alone as a gestalt. There's no way this subject could be discussed with any insight or wisdom in a short NYT column because of it's complexity.
I think it served it's purpose in the Fashion and Style section. It generates a very visceral reaction.
1
When I was 13 I wished my parents wold get divorced. Fighting and screaming every night, threats of physical violence and plenty of emotional and verbal violence. Then they'd take their anger and hostility out on me. I told them to get divorced for the next 4 years until I left their house and never went back. They celebrated their 50th anniversary last year. 50-plus years of a bad marriage is nothing to celebrate, in my book. I have serious problems with interpersonal relationships and it takes years, even with group and individual therapy, to unlearn those deeply-rooted childhood lessons. Kudos to people who have courage to face their truths.
56
To all those folks saying 'these guys are great together, why not stick it out' etc -- raising kids is only ONE aspect of a successful marriage. To see a great parent in your spouse does not make him/her a great spouse. A terrific person, yes, worth holding onto. And that is what the author is doing.
58
If someone is a great parent and a terrific person where did the spouse go?
Unfortunately it sounds as if the "spouse" became the unfulfilled fantasy.
Unfortunately it sounds as if the "spouse" became the unfulfilled fantasy.
1
I don't know the ins and outs of your story but what you describe is a functional marriage.
Most marriages start out fairytale and often does evolve into a series of painful and even bitter negotiations. If you are lucky, and it sounds as though you are, those negotiations net out a more respectful friendship where the needs of the other are carefully considered borne out of a commitment to the family unit. From that, everything else flows: The long-term friendship, companionship, history, shared trials, and shared triumphs which eventually forge you into an old married couple. The sort that adore each other in grand part got coming out the other end more or less intact.
In other words, you have a successful marriage in the true sense of the word. But you don't have is a legal document!
But, but, but.. I can already hear your objections. But we don't have sex, we are not always best friends, he doesn't have my back, we don't see eye to eye.yada yada yada. Guess what? That's true of all married couples at one time or another. Again the only difference between them and you, is that they stuck it out longer and likely had lower expectations in the first place. So why do it? Why stay married if all of the above is true? Precisely because of the transcendence you describe. Because as unlikely as it seems, the real benefit of being married a long time to the same person, is the ability to look up one day and realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
Most marriages start out fairytale and often does evolve into a series of painful and even bitter negotiations. If you are lucky, and it sounds as though you are, those negotiations net out a more respectful friendship where the needs of the other are carefully considered borne out of a commitment to the family unit. From that, everything else flows: The long-term friendship, companionship, history, shared trials, and shared triumphs which eventually forge you into an old married couple. The sort that adore each other in grand part got coming out the other end more or less intact.
In other words, you have a successful marriage in the true sense of the word. But you don't have is a legal document!
But, but, but.. I can already hear your objections. But we don't have sex, we are not always best friends, he doesn't have my back, we don't see eye to eye.yada yada yada. Guess what? That's true of all married couples at one time or another. Again the only difference between them and you, is that they stuck it out longer and likely had lower expectations in the first place. So why do it? Why stay married if all of the above is true? Precisely because of the transcendence you describe. Because as unlikely as it seems, the real benefit of being married a long time to the same person, is the ability to look up one day and realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
84
Great perspective. Marriage is so humbling and ends up sanctifying us.
10
GWE, your comment made me cry. You crystalized my feelings about my own 36 year marriage which spawned our two young adult children. I so appreciate your perfect reflection "the real benefit of being married a long time to the same person, is the ability to look up one day and realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be."
10
Strongly disagree; sorry.
My parents were married 20 years, stuck it out through those fallow periods exactly as you describe. And what they both saw, the day they looked up at last, was that they had never gotten to where they were meant to be.
It sounds as though you are writing from experience -- in which case, congratulations and I'm happy for you. But to define a 'functional marriage' as one that grits its teeth and gets through it is somewhat Victorian and, in other experiences than yours, plain wrong.
My parents were married 20 years, stuck it out through those fallow periods exactly as you describe. And what they both saw, the day they looked up at last, was that they had never gotten to where they were meant to be.
It sounds as though you are writing from experience -- in which case, congratulations and I'm happy for you. But to define a 'functional marriage' as one that grits its teeth and gets through it is somewhat Victorian and, in other experiences than yours, plain wrong.
12
Oh please. When we solemnly announced our pending mutually-agreed upon divorce to our boys, at the time 5 year ago 15 and 13, they asked who was going to keep the cat. They never shed a tear, never questioned it, knowing all too well we'd never been right for each other.
14
"The equation isn’t love/not love. Divorce, at its best, is a love reborn — birthed from heartache and rage and despair and ultimately, forgiveness — that creates a different kind of family."
Actually, I think it IS about love. Love never fails.
Actually, I think it IS about love. Love never fails.
6
"Love never fails."
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
Reading this piece I found myself tearing. If only...... But that was the problem - the 'if'. I came from a similar background with similar values. I got married at 30, old enough not to be ditzy. But the first year of marriage itself the word 'if' came into my existence. I thought having kids would mend my marriage. The question of divorce was taboo in my culture and my family itself would deem me a failure, forget about the society I lived in. So the number of 'ifs' started to get out of control. I had a spouse who I deemed a failure ( thanks to my competitive upbringing ). I neither respected him nor trusted him, seeing only a 'moocher', an instigator to make me lose control, a raving lunatic. I suffered a lot but my kids suffered even more. Finally when my kids were adults, at 58 I dared to divorce. It was magic. I gained back my self-confidence, no more frightened of my own shadow. I was having lunch with my very accomplished daughter. Out of the blue she said, "If only Ma, you had done this earlier and taken us with you," Ah! if only....But well, all's well, that ends well. I am heartened by the fact that my kids had wanted to go with me. But if it had been earlier...
17
NI writes, "I suffered a lot but my kids suffered even more. Finally when my kids were adults, at 58 I dared to divorce. It was magic. I gained back my self-confidence, no more frightened of my own shadow."
Me, too, somewhat younger. People often do not understand the harm that goes on in "looking good from the outside" marriages. Physical abuse, we're starting to understand how damaging it is. Emotional abuse that takes its toll on self-confidence, self-esteem -- that's even harder to acknowledge, especially for the affected spouses trying to hang in there, as advised by the world.
Me, too, somewhat younger. People often do not understand the harm that goes on in "looking good from the outside" marriages. Physical abuse, we're starting to understand how damaging it is. Emotional abuse that takes its toll on self-confidence, self-esteem -- that's even harder to acknowledge, especially for the affected spouses trying to hang in there, as advised by the world.
We learn at the pace we need to, and make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.
For children, divorce is devastating and causes permanent damage. My heart goes out to the children.
11
Oh Anne, get off your high horse.
24
Drew, she's right.
9
"Married" and "divorced" are highly overrated adjectives when describing family relationships. So much is implied and so many of the implications simply aren't true in reality. They are labels.
6
If once the competition to be in control is removed, and what ensues is bliss and harmony, then maybe neither one of you did your marriage justice. I hope this memory raises many more questions than you can easily answer.
12
"My ex-husband and I did not treat each other well during our short marriage. We were unable to make the other feel safe, loved and appreciated. In hard times, we turned on each other. There was plenty of finger-pointing and grudge-holding, and very little benefit of the doubt."
Not to be uncharitable, but did you not see that before you got married?
"When my marriage, always troubled..."
I am glad they are friends, and I am sure their children are a wonderful gift, but what I took from this essay was two people who entered marriage when perhaps they should not have.
Not to be uncharitable, but did you not see that before you got married?
"When my marriage, always troubled..."
I am glad they are friends, and I am sure their children are a wonderful gift, but what I took from this essay was two people who entered marriage when perhaps they should not have.
12
I hate to say it, but she is a lawyer after all.
8
And you sir are a TROLL!
5
c'mon, people marry for all sorts of reasons and the world is imperfect. perhaps they hope the love they share will help them overcome whatever difficulties they have.
1
Actually, all (or nearly all) happy families are alike in one thing: they don't write articles, op-ed pieces, or books about their family problems.
You never see, and never will see, a piece in the NYTimes, or any other newspaper or magazine, about how one's parents were wonderful, loving parents, were married over fifty years, and produced a bunch of kids with big happy families themselves, who in turn have been married for decades.
Our grandparents were married over 50 years. Our parents were married over 50 years. Our children have been married 25, 20, and 12 years. We have 12 grandchildren. We each have 5 siblings. We have never had an estrangement, ever, between parents, siblings, children; and there are a lot of us now; scores.
There are countless families like ours. But there are no stories there; none at all. As my ma used to say: "laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone". But the criers are the "writers".....
You never see, and never will see, a piece in the NYTimes, or any other newspaper or magazine, about how one's parents were wonderful, loving parents, were married over fifty years, and produced a bunch of kids with big happy families themselves, who in turn have been married for decades.
Our grandparents were married over 50 years. Our parents were married over 50 years. Our children have been married 25, 20, and 12 years. We have 12 grandchildren. We each have 5 siblings. We have never had an estrangement, ever, between parents, siblings, children; and there are a lot of us now; scores.
There are countless families like ours. But there are no stories there; none at all. As my ma used to say: "laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone". But the criers are the "writers".....
26
I have seen such pieces in the NYT and other papers and magazines. Have you ever considered the possibility that you may be smug?
56
Why did you bother to not only read the piece but also comment on it if you come from and have produced such a perfectly well-adjusted family?
30
Well this obviously isn't your story however others have their own narrative and I enjoyed reading the piece. As a child, who is now an adult with two children if her own, I really loved the story and the effort this couple is puting in. I'm happily married now over 10 years but I know my parents weren't right for each other. My parents and their respective partners get along really well now but i wish it had come sooner. I applaud this couple for what they are doing and I know that divorce is sometimes inevitable and is usually damaging to kids. There are ways to minimize that damage and I think this is a great way to to that.
20
Boooooooooo!!!
Check back with your kids in their 20s and 30s and see how your decision worked out.
Check back with your kids in their 20s and 30s and see how your decision worked out.
26
A very difficult subject, presented with unflagging honesty.
The writer is an enduring credit to herself and those she loves.
The writer is an enduring credit to herself and those she loves.
12
As a child of divorce too who was told how really wonderful it was Mommy and Daddy were doing to live "authentic lives," I must admit I get angry reading the congratulatory, almost romantic claptrap that this article spouts and others endorse.
Let's read about this tripe from the kids' viewpoints over time. I don't think it will be a celebration.
Let's read about this tripe from the kids' viewpoints over time. I don't think it will be a celebration.
97
The kids' viewpoint -- that is the issue, isn't it?
5
Thank you for writing this. I, too, am a child of divorce, and what is missing here is how the children feel (and will feel) about this. Notice the children were "wild with happiness" on the vacation, to have both their parents together with them and not fighting. Why can't these parents be unselfish enough to give them that full-time? They are clearly capable of it. But making their children wild with happiness is apparently not that important.
As I grew up, I saw this clearly. I saw what my parents had chosen, without regard for my brother and I. And let me tell you, it was a bitter pill to swallow. Children deserve better.
As I grew up, I saw this clearly. I saw what my parents had chosen, without regard for my brother and I. And let me tell you, it was a bitter pill to swallow. Children deserve better.
2
It's good to know that successful, tawny, precocious, attractive people can put their differences aside and frolic, sun-drenched and laughing, on a beach in perfect happiness.
95
@Kay: What's your problem? This story is about divorce, not about the parties' prospects for remarriage. How do we know that they are attractive, tawny, and and successful? Maybe they are not. Okay, she's a lawyer, and she probably doesn't depend on her ex for support. So what? Even old-rich people can be unhappy. (Gloria Vanderbilt comes immediately to mind, but there are lots of them.) Do you need a bibliography for this?
2
Beautiful piece. Your children are indeed lucky to be the product of mature, loving parents who are emotionally healthy and able to value friendship.
23
Thank you for this piece... As a child of divorce, there's something about this I feel is a little bit outside of understanding what it's like to be a child of divorce. I'm not sure every child can grasp divorced parents celebrating "the physical and emotional bond that brought them into being." I mean not that the kids are supposed to get that in this piece, I just mean as a kid you don't just feel mom and dad playing nice with each other. You feel the separateness also. Not so much how you were created. I didn't know what sex was when my parents got divorced. It wasn't a concept. The concept was of switching houses, identities, shifting from being part of one family to being between two families: i.e. two parents at two different locations with two difference bedrooms... Coming together as a family with both parents, then breaking apart, is a lot to bear, for however short a vacation. I remember it being very emotional (though I was too young to really be aware of it) the few times we were all in the same room for family therapy for one hour. Kids are sponges, yes? Divorce does change the dynamic, and kids feel it deeply. I guess I'd just say it's not about right or wrong, good or bad, it's super hard to be a child of divorce: kids have every right to be sad, angry, and feel split. No matter how well the parents can sit together over a glass of wine.
66
Appreciate your comment. Kids have no one really advocating for them.
I think that kids have a right to be raised by both their dad and mom. Unfortunately, our selfishness and pride as humans gets in the way too often.
I think that kids have a right to be raised by both their dad and mom. Unfortunately, our selfishness and pride as humans gets in the way too often.
9
This article is beautifully written but I don't get it at all...
Could the real issue behind the divorce have been sex? Surely two people who love each other could get counseling and learn how to talk to one another (with the graciousness that apparently flows from no longer being married to one another).
Could the real issue behind the divorce have been sex? Surely two people who love each other could get counseling and learn how to talk to one another (with the graciousness that apparently flows from no longer being married to one another).
5
They weren't right for each other any longer. Let's not reduce it to bad sex -- the writer pretty clearly has shown that they are mature, responsible people who could not shelter, love and care for one another in the right way as married people. But they have risen above and found ways to love one another, probably with less emotional freight, as divorced coparents. It's wonderful for the kids to see this. It's complicated and mature, and it's life.
26
That was the "sickening turn."
I love reading stories about people who think and live outside the box of "tradition." In our Western culture, we cling to ideals that are not only outdated, they are stifling. So many people suffer needlessly because they can't think in anything but black or white. Thinking in the gray is a sign of maturity. This is where we should be headed!
10
Thinking in the grey leads to all kinds of compromising of your principles. Our Western culture has dominated the world for a reason. It is because we have had strong black/white principles.
1
You're kidding, right?
Stunning words with such rare insightful intelligence. I look forward to the author's next publshed work!
7
As an attorney who concentrates her practice in family law, I plan to print this article for my waiting room. Beautifully written, poignant - yet far from maudlin or portraying a pie-in-the-sky post-divorce. Thank you, Lara Bazelon!!
23
Truly sublime. A beautiful view of what is possible if two ex partners but forever parents can rise above their own pain and remake themselves into a different version of happy families.
15
As a woman who was divorced 40 yrs ago, when I read an article like thus my immediate thought is why couldn't you just behave this way and stay married? You were married a very short time and have two young children. Did you really even give your marriage a chance?
Most children harbor the fantasy of their parents remarrying. A vacation such as this just feeds that fantasy. One can be polite without being chummy. Parents can coparent and still keep a distance. It needs to be one or the other for the sake of your children.
Most children harbor the fantasy of their parents remarrying. A vacation such as this just feeds that fantasy. One can be polite without being chummy. Parents can coparent and still keep a distance. It needs to be one or the other for the sake of your children.
139
Children are going to want their parents to reunite initially under any circumstance. I was one of those children. But what made it hardest for me were not the changes that took place in my family, but the stigma that society puts on divorce. I felt like it was something to be ashamed of.
Because I know that my parents still care for each other helps me understand that it was something real, that they are human, that they were sincere when they started a family. I am at peace with my family because I know we all still love one another.
Why would any child want their parents to just be “polite” to one another after having been an intact family?
Because I know that my parents still care for each other helps me understand that it was something real, that they are human, that they were sincere when they started a family. I am at peace with my family because I know we all still love one another.
Why would any child want their parents to just be “polite” to one another after having been an intact family?
10
Gosh, I suspect she knows her family situation rather better than any of us. This sounds like a thoughtful, intelligent woman committed to the well-being of her family. So, let's accept what sounds like a lovely outcome, rather than rushing to judgment.
31
It does not need to be one or the other. Divorced parents can truly be friends and children not only understand that, they accept and deserve it.
10
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
5
This may seem pedantic, but I was so relieved to see your first sentence structured as “Happy families are not all alike” instead of the more common – and utterly annoying – “All happy families are not alike.”
The second, of course, carries a completely different meaning from the first, but is inarguably the way this kind of statement is usually made. Thank you for choosing your words with care.
The second, of course, carries a completely different meaning from the first, but is inarguably the way this kind of statement is usually made. Thank you for choosing your words with care.
10
This is very confusing, because the actual expression, which is the one "usually made" is from Anna Karenina, by Tolstoy:
‘All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’
Actually, the two expressions you use are, in fact, the same in meaning.
‘All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’
Actually, the two expressions you use are, in fact, the same in meaning.
8
Dear Longue Carabine,
That is a translation, not what Tolstoy actually wrote, and as a translation, it is well done but provisional.
Secondly, negations take a different form sometimes from positive statements. Hence "All happy families are alike" works well in English, and hence "Happy families are not all alike" can be (and is) much better and slightly different in meaning than "All happy families are not alike."
That is a translation, not what Tolstoy actually wrote, and as a translation, it is well done but provisional.
Secondly, negations take a different form sometimes from positive statements. Hence "All happy families are alike" works well in English, and hence "Happy families are not all alike" can be (and is) much better and slightly different in meaning than "All happy families are not alike."
3
A beautifully written account of a horrible idea. If she and her husband ever hope for their kids to accept and deal with the divorce, they won't do this again.
95
On what basis do you make this claim?
7
Not true. Children deserve time with both parents. Adult exes can be friends.
11
To Boomer (and the other commenters who are sure that the author's family vacation was a bad idea): and you know this -- you know it with self-righteous, snarky certainty -- how? Besides, even if it turns out to be a bad idea -- no one can really know now, or for years -- at least the spouses were acting from love, and for that alone they deserve respect and admiration.
2
We forget that for many hundreds, if not thousands of years, husbands and wives spent very little time together. Men went off to war, women stayed with the sick or dying away from their families. I see this so often on these divorce stories; too much time spent together kills a relationship.
23
Wrong. Having been married almost 50 years, my wife and I like each other and do enjoy spending a lot of time together. Yes, we do things separately, but we also eat a lot of meals together and talk to one another and even fight with each other. I have said it, and mean it, "I'd rather be bored with her than anyone else."
7
Let there be more wars!
2
True, and in this way the genes were spread around the neighbourhood! Young women left alone at home had sex and children with the locals, when their men went off to fight - and to have sex with the locals. Nobody expected to be "happy" - just to have a life.
7
Children are people who need an understanding of the world around them in order to trust their own perceptions. The parents described here seem unwilling to inhabit their separateness because they are not ready to let go of their own dreams of raising kids together, as a nuclear family. They are creating a false reality and prolonging the painful process of moving on and adapting to new circumstances. If either one is dating, this scenario would likely cause confusion, pain and anger in a potential partner and lead to more interpersonal conflict -- the stated reason for divorce in the first place. Why is this a good model for raising children to be caring and resilient adults?
87
How is this letting go of reality? It's just a different reality than you accept? It's still very real.
Your comment about how it will impact future or current relationships is completely irrelevant and disingenuous.
Your comment about how it will impact future or current relationships is completely irrelevant and disingenuous.
13
"Dating".... Fortunately, with 48 years of marriage, we don't have to worry about....dating.
"Inhabit their separateness". Is that prose....or what, exactly?
"Inhabit their separateness". Is that prose....or what, exactly?
No. Parents who are unable to spend time together as friends cause confusion in children.
11
What a beautiful piece -- so thoughtful and well-written.
4
So, apparently no new significant others in the picture six years on, for either ex? Until then, fantasy of impossible reconciliation for the kids, maybe even for the author of the piece, as it sounds . . . Not a good situation, this limbo, for anyone to be in. Time for everyone to get real and move on. The future holds many unknowns.
29
Not everyone has to be part of a couple, you know.
7
kat--get your point, but most men do.
It isn't 6 years later, it's 18 months.
2
Lara, this is gorgeously written. Limpid, generous, not a word redundant or overwrought. I wish you and your family many happy moments and hope to come upon your novel soon.
12
My husband and his ex did this sort of thing-- went to school activities together, sporting events, tournaments, even all went to Disney together. My now grown stepkids have on more than one occasion expressed just how screwed up it all was. They say that by Mom and Dad being such close friends and always being together, they never got a chance to actually adjust to the divorce. They held out hope constantly that their parents would get back together. And then when their father met me and we were married, the kids say it was very, very hard for them to accept. They maintain that had their parents behaved in more of a business relationship sense, rather than still "partners", they feel they would have been much better off. Being friendly is one thing, but having your kids spend their childhood in a constant state of anticipation is just wrong.
148
Divorce is difficult for kids, no matter how the parents act afterward, and your stepkids' experience is no different. The parents were doing their best for the kids by staying connected and committed to their children-but despite that the kids wanted something different. There is no guarantee that a "business" relationship between the parents would have made the divorce any less traumatic or make it any easier to accept a new partner for one of their parents. And, even kids whose parents are not getting along after a divorce still often wish for reconciliation. I don't know how old your stepkids are, but with a little more maturity, and perhaps their own marriages, they might reflect on their experience with a little more appreciation for what their parents tried to do for them.
43
One of my step sons clung to the idea that his parents would reunite - despite the fact that - while they were civil to one another over all - there was never any of the frequent episodes of togetherness you describe.
You did well to try to ease the changes.
You did well to try to ease the changes.
2
Totally agree with MJM - my parents divorce was AWFUL and yet we kids ALWAYS hoped they would get back together!
3
I loved this essay. The author sucked me in completely! I believed every word she wrote.
But then I realized they just got divorced. I am assuming their still single. I really wished she can clearly see what she did or did not do in her marriage that she is doing now...not to get back with him but for future relationship.
I love this family but I got the feeling of what will happen when he or she gets involved with another. It is hardly do-able to say sorry I gotta go vacation with my ex to a new partner or any partner really.
I hope the author is fully aware of that...since this is not mentioned in this delicious short story.
But then I realized they just got divorced. I am assuming their still single. I really wished she can clearly see what she did or did not do in her marriage that she is doing now...not to get back with him but for future relationship.
I love this family but I got the feeling of what will happen when he or she gets involved with another. It is hardly do-able to say sorry I gotta go vacation with my ex to a new partner or any partner really.
I hope the author is fully aware of that...since this is not mentioned in this delicious short story.
35
It might not be "doable" for you. But for others who may be in the same position or who simply understand, it's not a problem.
4
I get the feeling the author is to self absorbed to think beyond what she needs an any given minute. Would love to hear the other side of the story. I bet that's where the real sacrifice is being made.
2
Good luck to you and your family. You are so lucky you could afford to get out. Enjoy!
5
As the child of a reasonably amicable divorce, I have never thought that divorce itself is the thing that is hugely damaging to children. Children legitimately want their parents to be happy; to live with an unhappy parent is its own kind of misery.
My parents always managed to coordinate with each other, to share information about parent-teacher nights, and to share custody without drama. They behaved like grown-ups, and they behaved like our needs (as children) were important. As a result, I had a model for maturity, kindness, and sometimes self-sacrifice (without self-destruction) -- and I think that's more important than witnessing an intact marriage. I've had my own successful relationships and a happy marriage, and I attribute it to my parents. Parents who can manage to model maturity and kindness are doing just fine.
My parents always managed to coordinate with each other, to share information about parent-teacher nights, and to share custody without drama. They behaved like grown-ups, and they behaved like our needs (as children) were important. As a result, I had a model for maturity, kindness, and sometimes self-sacrifice (without self-destruction) -- and I think that's more important than witnessing an intact marriage. I've had my own successful relationships and a happy marriage, and I attribute it to my parents. Parents who can manage to model maturity and kindness are doing just fine.
187
You were lucky, really, but not all parents are mature and kind, in fact, a lot of children suffer from parents' arguing, finger-pointing, shouting and so on. Therefore, if possible, we should try to avoid divorce, for the mere sake of our children. It is not about throwing away what is broken, but fixing it.
1
Thanks for this, Rachel. I divorced 4 years ago and my daughter is 7, and I've had my share of guilt and fear over how it will affect her in the long run. My ex-husband and I try to behave as you describe your parents behaving. We don't take vacations together but we coordinate smoothly. He is remarried and has a new baby and that will present its own challenges, but I'm hopeful that if we are able to continue to communicate civilly with our daughter's needs kept foremost, she will ultimately view our marriage and divorce the way you do your parents'.
Great article by Lara. As a family and divorce lawyer we see the ugly side of this equation all too often. However, as an individual, I have experienced a positive side of divorce in watching my parents go through divorce, and having gone through divorce myself. My parents separated when I was 17, and despite their differences and heartbreak, we have always and continue to celebrate holidays, including Thanksgiving and Christmas, together as one family. My father has remarried.
I also have an ex-wife of 7 years and a 9 year old daughter from my first marriage. We are both happily remarried and while not on the level of taking vacations together, we are all cordial, live in the same neighborhood, attend sporting events together, work with each other's schedules, support each other as needed, etc...
I think it is pretty rare to find situations such as Lara's but think it is a wonderful place to aim for. The other extreme is a terrible place that results in significant mental angst for both the parents and the children involved, and often results in endless court battles and extreme attorney bills. My new wife, who is also a family lawyer and has personal experience with divorce between her parents, wrote a great blog on this topic with the premise of "loving your children more than you hate your ex." Hope someone finds this helpful!
https://www.hunterheinattorneys.com/child-custody--playing-tug-of-war-wi...
I also have an ex-wife of 7 years and a 9 year old daughter from my first marriage. We are both happily remarried and while not on the level of taking vacations together, we are all cordial, live in the same neighborhood, attend sporting events together, work with each other's schedules, support each other as needed, etc...
I think it is pretty rare to find situations such as Lara's but think it is a wonderful place to aim for. The other extreme is a terrible place that results in significant mental angst for both the parents and the children involved, and often results in endless court battles and extreme attorney bills. My new wife, who is also a family lawyer and has personal experience with divorce between her parents, wrote a great blog on this topic with the premise of "loving your children more than you hate your ex." Hope someone finds this helpful!
https://www.hunterheinattorneys.com/child-custody--playing-tug-of-war-wi...
30
"....years of zero-sum warfare waged in courtrooms and on soccer fields, no child’s rite of passage immune from the parents’ bitterness and hostility."
Unfortunately that describes my childhood and most of my adult life as well. Mom and Dad finally chilled out when they turned 75 - 30 years after their divorce!
I really appreciate what you and your former husband have created for your children. Equally important is what it has created for the two of you - both together and individually. Finally, as someone who has spent much of her life imagining something like this for her own family, it brings joy to this complete stranger.
Unfortunately that describes my childhood and most of my adult life as well. Mom and Dad finally chilled out when they turned 75 - 30 years after their divorce!
I really appreciate what you and your former husband have created for your children. Equally important is what it has created for the two of you - both together and individually. Finally, as someone who has spent much of her life imagining something like this for her own family, it brings joy to this complete stranger.
26
Although I truly admire the selfless & mature manner in which the parents acted in this story, I believe it is rare indeed that divorced couples can feel & behave this way, especially if one spouse has remarried. Divorce is hard, because it involves so many others, not just immediate family members, but everyone in one's life.
11
It may be rare, but maybe articles like this will make a little less rare.
3
A model example of what families should aspire to when faced with divorce. I know only too well how all the parties involved suffer when divorce is handled with resentment, hostility, revenge and vindictiveness. My husband's former wife is a prime example. She was only too willing to sacrifice the well being of her two daughters in order to seek her revenge. And now these two lovely girls are so damaged emotionally it is hard to watch. And this in a day and age when everything out there points to the fact that as adults it is our duty to rise above our selfish actions to do what is best for the children involved. Thank you for this piece that so beautifully describes how it is possible to navigate through a very difficult situation.
17
I'm divorced after 22 years of a rocky marriage. After a rough beginning we've reached a wonderful place. It feels good for our children to know that their dad and I are truly friends, have each other's backs, and will always leave each other deeply, just not as romantic life mates.
24
Freudian slip alert!
"...and will always leave each other deeply..."
LEAVE each other deeply?!?
@Judy - that's so good I'm having trouble believing it's not intentional.
"...and will always leave each other deeply..."
LEAVE each other deeply?!?
@Judy - that's so good I'm having trouble believing it's not intentional.
1
Haha that should say "love" each other deeply. Freudian slip?
Sweet essay. It must be confusing for the children though, at some level, to think why their parents are acting happier not married and together than before. I am not sure what they age appropriate way to talk about that is. I say this because I was very confused why my parents divorced for years, and I was much older.
32
"Happy families are not all alike. Some are fractured and misshapen. To appreciate them, you have to adjust your line of sight, your level of expectation. They have seams and scars. But they are beautiful, still, in their odd imperfect way" Just so beautifully written.
I'm a child from a broken family and when I say a broken family I don't just mean my parent's divorce, It includes other members also like my grandparents, aunts and uncle. It's not a happy family, is broken beyond any repair, yet, for me its painfully beautiful :)
I'm a child from a broken family and when I say a broken family I don't just mean my parent's divorce, It includes other members also like my grandparents, aunts and uncle. It's not a happy family, is broken beyond any repair, yet, for me its painfully beautiful :)
11
I found it ironical to be able to reminisce so readily with the joys of so many times during my marriage when happiness seemed to flood out of control over us and our children as your fourth of July vacation does for you. Happiness, though highly individual still evokes a very general understanding of what is going on.
Unhappiness and dismay, raw memories of pain are equally individual. I skipped over those paragraphs not needing to review or seek resolution, merely to avoid and forget, simply learning to move. We still are able to laugh about and reminisce, often without recrimination.
Unhappiness and dismay, raw memories of pain are equally individual. I skipped over those paragraphs not needing to review or seek resolution, merely to avoid and forget, simply learning to move. We still are able to laugh about and reminisce, often without recrimination.
2
so achingly beautiful- and how wonderful you were able to free love from its bondage so it could nurture your children and bring peace to both of you.
not everyone that loves each other can live together.
not everyone that loves each other can live together.
5
That was beautiful. The kids will remember the vacation -- it breaks up what can be the monotonous sameness of school/home -- the "corrosive boredom" as the author calls it. Best of luck to the author on her novel.
5
What an inspirational and honest and brave story.
6
"Ever after." "In sickness and in health." Etc. Those things can still exist -- more compassionately -- in a divorce such as this. And there are many divorces such as this. Life is harder than ever. Thank goodness views on marriage and commitment are evolving to match. It's a new understanding of and what may or may not last a lifetime, under one roof -- but can always be of shared heart.
46
"Ever after." "In sickness and in health."
And yet 50% of once married people do not mean it.
And yet 50% of once married people do not mean it.
1
Bravo
19
Lovely...
13
Oh how I wish I could share a similar story. This is really nice for the kids. Clearly they are the beneficiaries of your abundance of maturity.
I grew up very similarly to the author. My parents, particularly my father, valued hard work above all else. He also believed in respecting elders and following through no matter what the cost. How I didn't have these same values in mind when I chose my spouse of 17 years, I'll never know.
Let's not forget that for a coming together like this, it takes two. Two very mature souls. If one person is still mired in resentments and a "let me show you" attitude-----forget about it. Do your best. Don't speak poorly of each other. Refer to your ex as "Dad" or "Mom" and not the very rigid "your father", "your mother." But don't beat yourself up that you can't live up to a standard such as what is written here.
I grew up very similarly to the author. My parents, particularly my father, valued hard work above all else. He also believed in respecting elders and following through no matter what the cost. How I didn't have these same values in mind when I chose my spouse of 17 years, I'll never know.
Let's not forget that for a coming together like this, it takes two. Two very mature souls. If one person is still mired in resentments and a "let me show you" attitude-----forget about it. Do your best. Don't speak poorly of each other. Refer to your ex as "Dad" or "Mom" and not the very rigid "your father", "your mother." But don't beat yourself up that you can't live up to a standard such as what is written here.
22
i want to cry
20
At some point, you and your ex will have to navigate the waters of new spouses. From my own good experiences, I can advise that you aim for the same positive attitude when dealing with them. The mother of my step kids saw me as another adult there to help raise her children, and I saw myself as a surrogate for her when she couldn't be around. I would behave towards my step kids as I thought she would want me to behave. This respectful relationship meant that we could have joint holiday celebrations, without forcing the kids to choose.
150
I am so moved by your description of how you took on your parental figure role with your step children and their mother. My ex husband married a woman who has poor boundaries and who has made my position as the children's mother one I have to fight for. She consistently one-ups me in front of them, and it is heartbreaking and devastating and yet there is not much I can do about it without hurting my kids by pointing this out to them. So I take the high road and hope my kids one day will see the position she has put me in. Brava to you , from the deepest place in my heart, for understanding the importance, role and place of a step parent.
21
HN: I am so happy to read this. My children's stepmother was unkind to them, especially the girls, apparently viewing them as interlopers in their father's life.
If you want to be with someone with kids, view that person as part of a package deal.
If you want to be with someone with kids, view that person as part of a package deal.
2
Thank you, Lara, for this sublimely beautiful story, for sharing it with us. As a child of divorce (of exes who did NOT fight in front of my siblings and I, to my great relief even as a kid) and a veteran of my own divorce, I don't read enough stories like this. Of course, I've never read one exactly like this. And I need them. It's healing, helpful, encouraging to know that love can live on even when it no longer assumes the form we hoped and expected it would take. Here's to you and your beautifully split, fractured and love-filled family. May you continue to growth together, and apart.
87
Such a sad story.
15
On the contrary, I think it is a beautiful and honest story. Inspiring beyond belief.
26
I think sadder still is all of the stories of people who are bitter enemies during their divorce. And putting the kids in the middle. Or, those couples who stay together in sterile, resentful relationships "for the kids." Fortunately, I haven't been divorced, but I've seen enough of these other relationships to completely appreciate the author's perspective.
44
Yes, it is beautiful, honest and inspiring, as you say.
But that doesn't obviate the profound sadness- or bittersweetness- that I, the commenter "Barb of Indianapolis"- and I'm sure so many others- felt upon reading this story.
But that doesn't obviate the profound sadness- or bittersweetness- that I, the commenter "Barb of Indianapolis"- and I'm sure so many others- felt upon reading this story.
6
Lovely, a landscape I saw possible in my heart many times with ex-husbands- but never realized beyond my imagination... yet, no less personally fulfilling.
The ability to inspire oneself beyond what didn't, and see what is, working. To freely say 'I love you for being my child's parent'. A love that does not need a partner, that is in spite of and because of, but not duty bound.
Thank you for sharing this chapter in your life story.
The ability to inspire oneself beyond what didn't, and see what is, working. To freely say 'I love you for being my child's parent'. A love that does not need a partner, that is in spite of and because of, but not duty bound.
Thank you for sharing this chapter in your life story.
6
so beautiful. This line in particular:
"Happy families are not all alike. Some are fractured and misshapen. To appreciate them, you have to adjust your line of sight, your level of expectation. They have seams and scars. But they are beautiful, still, in their odd imperfect way."
If only all blended families behaved this way.
"Happy families are not all alike. Some are fractured and misshapen. To appreciate them, you have to adjust your line of sight, your level of expectation. They have seams and scars. But they are beautiful, still, in their odd imperfect way."
If only all blended families behaved this way.
34
What an honest and inspiring piece. The two of you are working hard to find peace within yourselves and with each other. What a lovely thing for your kids. Keep it up. The returns will be multiple.
42
we did this too. My ex and I took our 4 and 6 year old kids to Disneyland together. Made the 8 hour drive in the car together, stayed in the room together. It was great. If couples can get past their own hurt, regret, etc to move forward, nothing is better.
53
Almost 30 years ago, on his first night of our separation after 8 years together, a former partner wrote me a note, quoting from Anne Tyler's novel "Crossing Borders":
"It struck him that even this moment was just another stage in their marriage. There would probably be still other stages in their thirtieth year, fortieth year — forever, no matter what separate paths they chose to travel. "
"It struck him that even this moment was just another stage in their marriage. There would probably be still other stages in their thirtieth year, fortieth year — forever, no matter what separate paths they chose to travel. "
44
What you describe is what I hope I can muster in the future with my semi-estranged mother: a vacation where her grandchild, her, and I can simply enjoy the nice weather and outdoors without feelings completely nauseated. We've gone through the "divorce" period of fighting, tension, and unsafe feelings; I hope we can get to the place of acceptance and peace that you've reached. I think it comes from respecting that you are separate people with separate lives, and thus, almost like coworkers or acquaintances or new friends, an understanding that you must be polite and respectful to one another. So thank you for that hope.
26
This is touching and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
16
I love this story. I love when people find a way to love, even if it isn't in the way that they expected. When they let go of the things they held onto, the expectation and the anger for unfulfilled expectations and all the wrongdoings and finger-pointing, name-calling and judgement, and the insecurities that both fed and were borne out of those less than ideal interactions, and just let each other be, and respect each others being, and stop expecting the other to be anything but who they are. I love when people can do this and see how much love there is, and that that love doesn't have to have a definition (romantic, unrequited, unconditional, familial, whatever). Just love. I love this story. Thank you for sharing.
102
If that were true, we'd have children with anonymous strangers. It would be just about the same. Why bother having marriage, if nobody respects it nor commits to it?
5
@Concerned Citizen - Please, where did you read that the author neither respected nor committed to marriage?
2
This is one of the best "Modern Love" columns. Thank you.
44
Good Modern Love essay! I had a less beautiful, but often positive version of the author's story. 25 years later we are still co-parents. May your camaraderie continue as the sweet 6 and 4 year olds grow into their 20s.
23
Marriage. divorce and romantic relationships are evolving rapidly in modern life. Tomorrow, I will be part of the celebration of my former mother-in-laws 94th birthday. Last time I was at the house, a new partner being introduced to the family asked how I was related. I was thinking how to respond when one of my former sister-in-laws simply said 'He is the father of Alba and Jeff.' Family can still be family despite all the changes.
Thanks to the author of the article for sharing your experience.