I don't get all the comments about the author being ungrateful. I'd feel bad if my spouse spent a lot of money on something I don't really like. The money could be put to better uses. Isn't honesty the best policy? Can't you just say "I'm really touched that you thought to get me such a generous gift, but it truly is not necessary, and let's return it and instead go out/spend a weekend away together/ etc."?
10
Recently when asked politely by a dinner companion, whom I had never met before, what I did for a living or a life, I replied 'I am in search of Desirée Clary's brooch'. It has a nice ring to it for a formal evening and a happier note than 'I am looking for work'.
The truth of the matter and the heart was in visiting my mother at her home in Paris, I noticed that she was not wearing the first gift my stepfather gave to her when they met in 1960. It belonged to his great-aunt who was engaged to young Napoleon secretly for a year before her father found out, and shouted 'One Bonaparte in the Family is enough!
The other day a simple gold ring on my finger, my mother's wedding band separated in two, and while trying to make it one again, there was a hidden inscription with the name of a French nobleman and 'Edith', a couple not related to my mother's married name, leaving me to wonder if I should search out the family, or keep it a secret.
The other ring on my hand belonged to my grandmother, her wedding band when she married young her first husband, who died at Verdun, a soldier in WWI. Perhaps I should return it to her daughter, my half-aunt who is 102. It would be a 'beau geste', a French term for being kind.
Thanking Ms. Morriscoe and others for telling their stories of mysterious and loving gems, a sparkling way to begin this July summer week.
The truth of the matter and the heart was in visiting my mother at her home in Paris, I noticed that she was not wearing the first gift my stepfather gave to her when they met in 1960. It belonged to his great-aunt who was engaged to young Napoleon secretly for a year before her father found out, and shouted 'One Bonaparte in the Family is enough!
The other day a simple gold ring on my finger, my mother's wedding band separated in two, and while trying to make it one again, there was a hidden inscription with the name of a French nobleman and 'Edith', a couple not related to my mother's married name, leaving me to wonder if I should search out the family, or keep it a secret.
The other ring on my hand belonged to my grandmother, her wedding band when she married young her first husband, who died at Verdun, a soldier in WWI. Perhaps I should return it to her daughter, my half-aunt who is 102. It would be a 'beau geste', a French term for being kind.
Thanking Ms. Morriscoe and others for telling their stories of mysterious and loving gems, a sparkling way to begin this July summer week.
6
My husband once bought me, for Valentine's Day, a necklace in a higher price range than usual. He loved it but he worried I might not and he told me that he had arranged with the store (where he had shopped for me many times before but usually buying me something more funky and less elegant) that I could return or exchange it. But I was so thrilled with how thrilled he was with the necklace that even before I opened the box I knew I would keep it. It is a beautiful piece, and it has been a nice remembrance of his taste (and his love) since he died.
16
I don't get the comment about the earr
ings. Appreciate it if someone could explain it. I have bought different types of earrings.for her. Now I don't know if I sent the right message.
ings. Appreciate it if someone could explain it. I have bought different types of earrings.for her. Now I don't know if I sent the right message.
1
I did not enjoy this story. It rings false. Linking the lost ring and her ungracious receipt of her husband's gifts to her father's death and his love for his late wife seems contrived.
17
What an egoist! Her husband must love her a lot for some reason or be the soul of patience. And apparently she didn't give much thought to how Stefan and Vera would feel, should they read her remarks about the ugliness of the ring that Stefan picked out.
13
What a conflicted issue - people who think the only appropriate response to a gift that you detest (even if it doesn't fit or at least doesn't fit YOU) is to lie like Richard Nixon and gush all over it, or to alert the gift-giver (who in theory wants you to enjoy their generosity and not have to swallow bile) that your size or your taste or your ethical values call for something different.
As you might have noticed by how I slanted these options, I would rather (as a gift giver) know the truth, and as a recipient I would want to do the same for my clueless giver, to be said with loving gratitude but clearly. But this holds true only for close family members, who are likely to keep giving you stuff similar to what you would have falsely said you loved if you hadn't been honest. You have to suck it up for everyone else.
As you might have noticed by how I slanted these options, I would rather (as a gift giver) know the truth, and as a recipient I would want to do the same for my clueless giver, to be said with loving gratitude but clearly. But this holds true only for close family members, who are likely to keep giving you stuff similar to what you would have falsely said you loved if you hadn't been honest. You have to suck it up for everyone else.
6
I'm not following the comments about ingratitude and a lack of appreciation. When did strict literalism become the norm for reading a piece like this? Ironic setup (where the author is obviously setting herself up hyperbolically....and humorously, to boot) to intensify and highlight the sentimental conclusion makes the entire piece work. Not an easy task in a short space, and the criticisms seems to miss both the style and the conclusion. I liked it a lot.
42
@Mark Slater. Spot on!
13
I can't understand all the vicious comments. I loved this story. So beautifully written and moving. It's clear that the author and her husband have a lovely relationship. And while she may have seem unappreciative of the jewelry, her point at the end was that it wasn't about materials goods. The story really is about how we sometimes lose sight of what's important. Without the right person, the ring means nothing. And... with her father's death, she brought everything full circle, like a ring. A lovely parable.
43
"You can always tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you." Amen, Holly Golightly.
7
@Jayne Caroll. "The mind reels."
Holly Golightly
Holly Golightly
1
Jayne, help. I have purchased earrings and didn't think they signified anything. A little dense. Need to know for the next time to really impress her. Thanks
1
True, no man has ever given me earrings, but it brought to mind when my former husband was engaged, and at lunch during one of our reunions, he broached the matter of a ring for his intended. An impoverished musician with a great gift, he told me that she had her heart set on a diamond Tiffany ring. A rising star in the corporate world, it was a trademark of success among women. I was not buying this.
She loved him, and I told him that a woman will wear a brass curtain ring if the man she has her heart set on, proposes to wed. Far better than Tiffany's is to ask your mother for one of her own rings, adding it would be more meaningful and of greater sentimental value.
When he died over a decade ago; his mother shortly afterwards at an advanced age, I wore to an Irish wake in her honor, a beautiful ring she gave me after her husband died, a diamond ruby dress cuff of his made into a romantic setting of days gone by. I had forgotten about it, and it made me smile to return it to her daughter, her last surviving child.
Holly Golightly also makes me smile and tomorrow I may wander over to Tiffany's and eat a pack of crisps, while admiring the diamonds in the window-panes.
She loved him, and I told him that a woman will wear a brass curtain ring if the man she has her heart set on, proposes to wed. Far better than Tiffany's is to ask your mother for one of her own rings, adding it would be more meaningful and of greater sentimental value.
When he died over a decade ago; his mother shortly afterwards at an advanced age, I wore to an Irish wake in her honor, a beautiful ring she gave me after her husband died, a diamond ruby dress cuff of his made into a romantic setting of days gone by. I had forgotten about it, and it made me smile to return it to her daughter, her last surviving child.
Holly Golightly also makes me smile and tomorrow I may wander over to Tiffany's and eat a pack of crisps, while admiring the diamonds in the window-panes.
3
I completely agree! Without the right guy, everything else is just an accessory. Loved your essay!
6
I liked this writing, and it seems to me, that the author did what she could in trying to get the ring to the rightful recipient. As far as her not liking her husband's gifts goes...my husband once gave me a colander for a Christmas present. That was it. A colander, BUT it was a famous brand name colander.
Even though I didn't especially like to cook, I feigned delight (especially since the kids were excitedly watching me open the gift). Maybe it was a hint about my unexciting cooking.
Even though I didn't especially like to cook, I feigned delight (especially since the kids were excitedly watching me open the gift). Maybe it was a hint about my unexciting cooking.
7
I adore Patricia Morrisroe's writing. It's obvious she believes in true love. Whether it's in her own life or in a stranger's. I don't know many people who would go to the trouble of returning a gift to someone they don't even know. Thank you, Patricia, for making me laugh and cry all in the matter of a few minutes.
13
I normally love Modern Love, but this story was really, really annoying. The writer was so babyish and unappreciative about the jewelry her husband gave her (the pigeon blood ruby anecdote was maddening), and then the ring never made it back to the owner. Very anti-climatic. (Yes, she did try pretty hard, but there were other avenues to exhaust--although Neiman Marcus came out of this looking really bad, too.)
10
My mother and I never got each others taste. Eventually I gave up and brought her cigarettes from far-flung places and coffee beans as well, knowing that these were two addictions she'd never give up. (She said the cigarettes from Iran were the worst she'd ever smoked, but I could tell that she appreciated the gesture.) Oh, and ashtrays—I gave her many ashtrays. (She died of lung cancer.) After she passed away, and spent four months sorting through her things, finding gifts I'd ever given her over many years, none that had been used. It was no surprise that I loved every item, as they were MY taste, not my mother's. Now I cherish these things: the Kitchen-Aid blender, the espresso cup from Rome, the prints from Assisi, Italy... Every time I look at these things I'm reminded of the love I had for my mother, of searching the world (hopelessly) for something that would please her. So, to my mind, they were just the right gifts to give. Because had I given her something she liked, those things would be now sitting on a shelf at Goodwill.
14
@C Bruckman. I could have written your posting; I empathize--I deeply and truly empathize.
1
Reminds me of when my boyfriend gave me a Skil saw for my birthday. It was what HE wanted....and of course it ended up in HIS possession.
3
I hope the author truly "gets it" now and accepts her husband's gifts without complaint. Who cares if he "gets" your taste in jewelry? He took the time to think of you and mark the special occasion; isn't that what really matters? For my last birthday, my husband got me a garden cart for pulling loads of plants and weeds around the yard. I thought it was the best present ever.
8
@JenD. Your husband obviously "got it" because he presented you with a gift that you consider "the best present ever" though many would consider a garden cart unromantic and mundane. "You" represent yourself as someone who deeply cares if he "gets it" and castigates someone else who deeply cares because her husband has not. Do you "get it"?
6
To: All of those who label the author as ungracious.
Why do you expect someone who receives a gift from the significant other marking the milestone of a quarter century relationship--or any other gift for that matter--to graciously accept the token though it is something that he/she abhors. If it is because "it is the thought that counts", has it not occurred to you that "the thought" that such a selection can signify is 1) I have not paid the slightest attention to you for the duration of our relationship 2) I am doing this to impress other people with MY taste/financial standing 3) This is what I want you to have and I don't care if you like it or not 4) all of the above. I do not believe that any of these four motives apply to the author's husband--far, far from it; but in some instances significant/expensive gifts stem from these motives.
Why do you expect someone who receives a gift from the significant other marking the milestone of a quarter century relationship--or any other gift for that matter--to graciously accept the token though it is something that he/she abhors. If it is because "it is the thought that counts", has it not occurred to you that "the thought" that such a selection can signify is 1) I have not paid the slightest attention to you for the duration of our relationship 2) I am doing this to impress other people with MY taste/financial standing 3) This is what I want you to have and I don't care if you like it or not 4) all of the above. I do not believe that any of these four motives apply to the author's husband--far, far from it; but in some instances significant/expensive gifts stem from these motives.
5
Your husband is a saint!
12
Park Avenue problems.
17
The giving, receiving and lending of jewelry is a timeless one, and my favorite is where a married and happy couple went on a rare outing to the Opera in Paris. They were poor, and the wife asked a rich friend if she could borrow a diamond necklace, only to find out at the end of the gala evening that it was lost.
She kept this a secret, while working hard to make enough money to replace her friend's diamonds, and when finally after months of labor and worry, she returned these to her with an explanation, her friend told her 'Dearest, they were only made of paste. My real ones are always kept in the bank vault'.
She kept this a secret, while working hard to make enough money to replace her friend's diamonds, and when finally after months of labor and worry, she returned these to her with an explanation, her friend told her 'Dearest, they were only made of paste. My real ones are always kept in the bank vault'.
7
The urge to communicate with the store is a very brief urge, quickly governed, because I know the trouble it will cause for me. Those big stores do not have a mechanism to unite bits and pieces of a shipment with the proper person when the packing slip is incorrect. If the package is addressed to me, I thow it away; if it isn't addressed to me, I return it to the shipper. This happened to me on a smaller scale and I learned my lesson for sure.
1
She tried so hard to find the rightful owner of the watch! I doubt that most of the people who commented on her lack of ethics would have tried so hard. A terrific story- made me laugh and cry!
Bette and LHan
Bette and LHan
22
It was a ring.
16
Ethics around the store credit: she had tried very hard to return the ring. One last option was to take it to a Nieman Marcus Store and trade the ring (into safe-keeping) for a credit receipt. She says nothing about spending the credit. Yes, she did have that option, but I read that portion of the story as a best alternative. Presumably, the ring was in a safe space, and the author had the credit to retrieve or replace the ring if necessary. It was a pretty good interim solution.
14
There is an unpleasant tone of contempt in the writer's dismissal of the gifts she received and disliked and in the description of the ring that was not intended to her. Her notion/appreciation of "generosity" is very twisted and the word is only mentioned when she receives a "warm note of apology from Neiman Marcus, with a generous gift card." Linking the story of the misdirected ring to the sincere emotional account of her father's death seems like a manipulative way to gain the reader's sympathy. Why is this essay in the "modern love" section is not clear to me...
49
OMG. I am so glad you wrote what you did, LT. I was so turned off by the totally ungracious attitude of this writer.
27
The ungracious attitude was a set up to contrast with the emotional conclusion of the ending. You can't read it too closely--as many have done.
12
I am definitely with LT on this one. Despite what ERS says, the realization of her husbands worth at the end is too little, too late, and doesn't make up for years of contemptuously and gratuitously rejected gifts. (You didn't like a ruby ring because of the name of its color?!? Come on!)
If your taste is so exacting and exclusive, then you can't also demand that a surprise be part of your gift. Shop around for a piece of jewelry you'd like and tell your husband. You'll be sure to like your gift. Give up on your wish that he can read your mind. In fact, be grateful he can't, because if he could he would see the sadistic pleasure you get from rejecting everything he tries to do for you, and would probably start to look for a more appreciative woman, of whom there are many.
If your taste is so exacting and exclusive, then you can't also demand that a surprise be part of your gift. Shop around for a piece of jewelry you'd like and tell your husband. You'll be sure to like your gift. Give up on your wish that he can read your mind. In fact, be grateful he can't, because if he could he would see the sadistic pleasure you get from rejecting everything he tries to do for you, and would probably start to look for a more appreciative woman, of whom there are many.
18
A few years ago I got a UPS-delivered package from Shoe Dazzle in California. A sequence-studded handbag. The mailing label had my name and my address but this definitely was not my handbag. I'm a wallet-kind of guy. Gave up handbags years ago. Anyway, several calls to Shoe Dazzle revealed the package should've ended up in Denver. I returned the handbag to Shoe Dazzle, which never had any explanation of how it got to my place. Shoe Dazzle had no record of me and I'd never heard of them. I hope somebody in Denver isn't still waiting for a sequence-studded handbag. I still prefer a wallet. Life is full of mysteries, eh?
29
Sequin-studded, I assume.
19
I was struck by the image of your father's silent communication of something that you clearly understood -- he wanted to talk to his wife. After my father had a large stroke and couldn't talk, he could still hear. Between gestures, nods, familial intuition plus love, we understood each other just fine as well.
14
Did everybody just gloss over the part where she brought the ring to the White Plains store and accepted a credit on her charge card at a sister store for an item she had not purchased and was received by her erroneously? Would they not take the item back without giving her a credit? She said she figured she'd straighten it out later. But she only addressed this when the store called her out on it. It so discredits any altruistic motive for making the return that it's almost strange she left that portion of the story in there.
14
Did you just gloss over the fact that she tried to get the dratted thing returned via several avenues and she had to wind up driving 40 miles before someone would take it off her hands? Much easier to deal with a credit that can be electronically handled if anyone at the vendor ever got off their duff to deal with it.
52
My guess is that no ethical retailer will accept a return without applying a credit. It could, of course, have been credited to the purchaser (Stefan) but the ring could very well have been purchased through a gift registry, which credits the recipient in the event of return and doesn't advise the gift-giver. (Bridal/Gift registries work this way: a bride may return her gifts in lieu of store credits, which are then applied to other items the couple wants.)
IMHO, the writer was wise to return the item and obtain an record of returning it, even if it necessitated a credit to her account. Use of that credit would also have been recorded and she knew that. She obviously had faith that Neiman Marcus would eventually get to the bottom of it and they did.
IMHO, the writer was wise to return the item and obtain an record of returning it, even if it necessitated a credit to her account. Use of that credit would also have been recorded and she knew that. She obviously had faith that Neiman Marcus would eventually get to the bottom of it and they did.
8
It sounded to me like the store was being extremely nonchalant about the mix-up and the author was anxious that she had a very valuable item that belonged to someone else; the credit was proof that she had returned it to the store in case anyone later on ever accused her of keeping the ring. I assume she expected them to remove the credit once the mess was fixed. She went above and beyond to try to get the ring to the correct recipient.
13
Thanks for the story. You and your husband are good people.
11
Love your writing and it's a great story. Thanks fo making me smile.
14
The law says that you can keep any goods mailed to you incorrectly, as it could be a scam, but it is good karma that you did not.
6
I believe the law is that you can keep goods that a business sends you but expects you to pay for. You can keep them without having any obligation to pay for them. If you receive a package meant for someone else, uh, no, you can't just keep it. That would be theft.
11
Close friends with another couple in our early married days, we saw the husband always presented the wife with exquisite gifts on special occasions. No matter what he gave her, it was wrong. And his face would fall. Every gift went back. One night, on the way home, my husband remarked, "I don't know why he keeps buying her things. It hurts to see his disappoinjtment."
I decided, then and there, I would totally adore everything my husband ever gave me. There were two exceptions. Once, I asked if I could exchange a tobacco colored Coach stationmaster's bag for black...he was clearly disappointed I'd asked. And the cinnabar vase.
Knowing I love Asian decorative art, he surprised me with a cinnabar vase for Chanukkah. It was coral cinnabar with a blue enamel interior. I hated the color. But I fussed over it, used it a lot, kept it in a prominent place on the mantle. Eventually, it came out there was one gift I did not love. Periodically, he would ask me what it was; I would not tell him. It became a joke between us.
When he was dying, he asked me again. I told them I loved everything he'd ever given me, even the one I didn't love at first. "It's the cinnabar vase, isn't it. " I hesitated, then nodded. And he gave me the biggest laugh. I was so relieved.
It doesn't cost anything to be gracious. Not being gracious, however, will cost you far more. Don't do it.
PS: The black Coach bag, 30+ years later, is still very much in daily use.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
I decided, then and there, I would totally adore everything my husband ever gave me. There were two exceptions. Once, I asked if I could exchange a tobacco colored Coach stationmaster's bag for black...he was clearly disappointed I'd asked. And the cinnabar vase.
Knowing I love Asian decorative art, he surprised me with a cinnabar vase for Chanukkah. It was coral cinnabar with a blue enamel interior. I hated the color. But I fussed over it, used it a lot, kept it in a prominent place on the mantle. Eventually, it came out there was one gift I did not love. Periodically, he would ask me what it was; I would not tell him. It became a joke between us.
When he was dying, he asked me again. I told them I loved everything he'd ever given me, even the one I didn't love at first. "It's the cinnabar vase, isn't it. " I hesitated, then nodded. And he gave me the biggest laugh. I was so relieved.
It doesn't cost anything to be gracious. Not being gracious, however, will cost you far more. Don't do it.
PS: The black Coach bag, 30+ years later, is still very much in daily use.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
88
Wifely Person you're wise to have found out that husband is verb as well as a noun.
5
I wish I could recommend this ten times. Thank you for your wise sentiments in this matter. My condolences for your loss.
6
husband is a lovely verb, and rarely used, much less understood. (grin)
Thanks for sharing that. It made my day!
5
I've never understood married couples who give expensive "gifts" to each other....don't they have a joint account? Isn't any "gift" really 50% paid for by the recipient?
Ditto for expensive engagement rings, the higher the price paid by the fiancé, the steeper the reduction in marital assets of the future spouses.
I don't see how enriching the jewelry industry enhances one's love.
Ditto for expensive engagement rings, the higher the price paid by the fiancé, the steeper the reduction in marital assets of the future spouses.
I don't see how enriching the jewelry industry enhances one's love.
28
Many couples have separate accounts as well as one or more joint accounts. That helps distinguish between 'I want" and we need". The expensive gifts are things the other person wants but is too frugal to buy for themselves.
1
Most couples I know have a joint account for joint expenses, and individual accounts for the rest. So, no.
5
It's about the guy impressing the other guys with his "two months salary's" (as suggested by the diamond industry) worth of engagement ring.
2
I guess she was pretty ungrateful, but it was still one of the most interesting ML columns I have read in a long time. Also, the story of her father was very touching.
8
Regardless of the clever writing, the lack of ethics when the author accepts the erroneous credit to her credit card is unfathomable to me. Shame on you! Plainly put, this is theivery.
5
@Tim Gover. Could you devise a better plan to relinquish custody of an expensive item to a third party--actually an agent of the initiating party of the erroneous transaction--without assuming liability for the monetary value of the item without any recourse? You do? What is it?
2
After the gauntlet she ran to try to get the ring back to its rightful owner? Besides, it sounded to me like as if the store policy was to give a gift receipt, and she figured she'd "straighten it out later."
. . .Which she (or more properly, Neiman-Marcus) finally did.
. . .Which she (or more properly, Neiman-Marcus) finally did.
3
Sorry for the loss of your dad; but cheered you got to spend those last days with them.
17
Your husband must love you very much! Not only does he regularly change his plans to drive long distances with you, he does it in spite of your complete and utter lack of gracious appreciation for his generous gifts............
113
I don't quite understand why she should have "gracious appreciation" for something not to her taste and bought with money that belongs to her as well as to him.
9
Do you feel better now?
9
Because it's the loving thought that counts, not the item. So, it's considerate to be gracious in response to being given something. I, for one, can't understand how disliking a particular piece of jewelry is more important than the feelings of the giver. Wear the dang thing every now and then with a light-hearted and happy attitude. It's an opportunity to be a nice person.
Whether the money is jointly owned or not isn't at all the point. That reduces gift-giving to a crass business transaction. Should joint bank account holders then refrain from gift-giving?
Whether the money is jointly owned or not isn't at all the point. That reduces gift-giving to a crass business transaction. Should joint bank account holders then refrain from gift-giving?
2
Am I reading this wrong, or did the author spend the first half of the article complaining about receiving expensive jewelry?
105
Yes, you read it wrong.
18
Hmm. So how does the following sentence sound to you? “It was a statement ring, and here's what it said: My husband, after 25 years of marriage, still didn't get my taste in jewelry." --Witty? In case you feel compelled to answer rhetorical questions again, the answer is no, it sounds ungrateful.
25
it's witty! people have flaws - she's also brave enough to speak the truth - well written story - with laughs and tears too... and clearly many here are ungrateful for her gift!
4
As someone in the diamond industry, I advise against eternity bands. (Wear and tear is extremely high, plus the 360 degrees of diamonds benefits who... You?) Must be nice to have enough money in life that you can turn away from a high quality ruby. My heart bleeds for you and your ethics.
52
What an utterly wonderful essay. Sweetly personal, deceptively complex, yet elegant and accessible writing. Patricia, you are brilliant!
44
you can have all the diamonds and rings in the world, but if you don't have/feel love these things pretty much feel like empty lies -- why does it take us so long to realize this?
22
No good deed ever goes unpunished.
33
Bless her heart for her simple tastes: "I ordered a simple eternity band," a.k.a. a simple ring studded with 360 degrees of diamonds.
52
Here's one in my size for $170.
http://www.amazon.com/Kobelli-Round-Cut-Diamond-White-Eternity/dp/B004XE...
http://www.amazon.com/Kobelli-Round-Cut-Diamond-White-Eternity/dp/B004XE...
7
Says someone who gives as his location one of the most elite and expensive places to live in the country. See how assumptions work?
11
5
Ms. Morrisroe, you made me get tears in my coffee cup.
23
Very nice. I'm forwarding it to my parents. They're both 93 and very much in love.
33
The last line by the author, '...without the right guy, everything else is just an
accessory' is absolutely the truth.
Wonderful writing.
accessory' is absolutely the truth.
Wonderful writing.
104
Though I respect the sentiment, a solo journey can be just--and very often more--as rewarding as a life spent in tandem.
20
I agree, Country Squiress, but I suspect that it would not be inaccurate to say that the writer's intent is closer to "in an intimate relationship, everything else is just an accessory without the right partner." Just doesn't have the same flow!
7
@SS Well paraphrased; point taken.
3
Remarkable on all levels - having the honour to have assisted Patricia & her family directly after her loss this story rings honest, true and speaks her voice intimately.
24