I am so sorry for Larry and also for my paired gay and lesbian friends who did not live long enough to have their long term relationships become legal. What a loss.
22
What a beautiful and incredibly meaningful story you shared with us--thank you. My eyes watered thinking of your cousin's needless death--and the cruelty and hatred in people's heart. They think they are correcting a flaw--meanwhile, what could be more flawed than a murderous spirit?
Our country is moving in the right direction---but it will required a sustained foot on the pedal of progress. We need to remember how the Supreme Court voted when it comes to time for OUR votes in 2016. The soul of our country is up for grabs, in my opinion. Will it go backwards towards hatred and oppression? Will it go forward towards tolerance and kindness? Nothing will determine this more than who we elect into offices--from locally to federal. We need courageous leaders-not bullies and oppressors ala the Reps.
As buoyed as the recent SCOTUS decision made me, I cannot help but be dismayed at the amount of malice that has come out in response. It reminds me of lifting a rock to find a bunch of maggots underneath. Maybe exposing them for their bigotry is the only way for change--who knows.
Regardless, we have the power to keep speaking out on behalf of our LGBT loved ones and of our ethnic friends of all colors of the rainbow. No minority should be marginalized. No person should ever be denigrated for self expression in the land of the free.
I'd like to leave the world behind in better shape than I found it....
Our country is moving in the right direction---but it will required a sustained foot on the pedal of progress. We need to remember how the Supreme Court voted when it comes to time for OUR votes in 2016. The soul of our country is up for grabs, in my opinion. Will it go backwards towards hatred and oppression? Will it go forward towards tolerance and kindness? Nothing will determine this more than who we elect into offices--from locally to federal. We need courageous leaders-not bullies and oppressors ala the Reps.
As buoyed as the recent SCOTUS decision made me, I cannot help but be dismayed at the amount of malice that has come out in response. It reminds me of lifting a rock to find a bunch of maggots underneath. Maybe exposing them for their bigotry is the only way for change--who knows.
Regardless, we have the power to keep speaking out on behalf of our LGBT loved ones and of our ethnic friends of all colors of the rainbow. No minority should be marginalized. No person should ever be denigrated for self expression in the land of the free.
I'd like to leave the world behind in better shape than I found it....
26
.
Terrible thing.
What makes the USA like this?
A small percentage of evil people can destroy a society.
It is so bad, the USA allows stalker gangs to openly stalk, harass and poison people - as I have been for the last 18 years.
The government knows what is happening yet acquieses. Why? Fear? Expediency? Laziness?
A government with 2 million in the military should not be letting racketeers poison people.
.
Terrible thing.
What makes the USA like this?
A small percentage of evil people can destroy a society.
It is so bad, the USA allows stalker gangs to openly stalk, harass and poison people - as I have been for the last 18 years.
The government knows what is happening yet acquieses. Why? Fear? Expediency? Laziness?
A government with 2 million in the military should not be letting racketeers poison people.
.
8
Thank you for all of us who loved someone who didn't live to have his "halves reconciled."
34
Beautiful and heartbreaking.
29
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Indeed, your family's and everyone's loss. I wish that Southern families could speak up as loudly about their loved one's injustice being bullied and persecuted because they are different as Matthew Shepard's family had the courage to. Indeed, so many Southern black churches have been unforgiving in their condemnation of gays. We struggle to accept others, and even more so sometimes to accept our own. Acceptance and then appreciation is where we need to arc towards.
34
Thank you for sharing an important and poignant story. I too wish your cousin had lived to see this day. My gay cousin died of aids and it wasn't until he was on his deathbed that his mother accepted his differences although they had been obvious to all the family from the time he was a young child.
42
Wow, this is a powerful column. It reminded me of a very important lesson I learned one day in grad school. I was at Brown for Classics, Reggie was there for poetry. We first met at a sandwich shop where I was ordering and he was serving (irony intended). Reggie was black, poor and gay. Worse, he was one of the smartest men I've ever met. I was (and am) gay, white, and middle class. We became friends. Lord knows he was high maintenance but then, there were clearly reasons for that. One day we were talking and I made the foolish mistake of somehow equating my oppression as a gay man with his experience as a black man. The look on his face scared me to death. "Look," he said furious--here yet another white friend he'd grown close to who still didn't get it--"you walk down Thayer Street and you're a white guy walking down the street. Every time I go out the door, I'm a ni**er walking down the street. So shut the [obscenity] up, OK?" The power of the n-word, the look on his face, and the passion in his voice are unforgettable. Reggie's dead now and I have his poetry on my bookshelf. But no poem in that book is as powerful as the poem of those words that day. God bless you, Reginald Shepherd.
60
A fine tribute, but...you say you called him "Lawrence" in your book, and here you say "My cousin's name was Larry." Are you saying his real name was indeed Larry? If so, "Lawrence" doesn't seem to be much of disguise, so I inferred that you were still hiding his real name, and I wrote the following:
"My Murdered Cousin Had a Name" yet still you don't proclaim his real name? Even in death he must remain hidden? Your promise to your mother was based on her phobia, but as you rightly point out, homophobia was why "Lawrence" had to hide and possibly why he was murdered. You quote James Baldwin's truths, and yet...still you hide Lawrence, acquiescing, as you say, to your mother's fears.
Well, what's more important? Catering to your mother's fears, or allowing "Lawrence" to finally, and far too late, speak his own name to the world through your words?
"My Murdered Cousin Had a Name" yet still you don't proclaim his real name? Even in death he must remain hidden? Your promise to your mother was based on her phobia, but as you rightly point out, homophobia was why "Lawrence" had to hide and possibly why he was murdered. You quote James Baldwin's truths, and yet...still you hide Lawrence, acquiescing, as you say, to your mother's fears.
Well, what's more important? Catering to your mother's fears, or allowing "Lawrence" to finally, and far too late, speak his own name to the world through your words?
8
That does look to have been a bit of a thin disguise. It is entirely possible that the man's given name was Larry, not Lawrence. One of my cousins is named Larry, not Lawrence. Where I grew up in the Midwest there were many people whose given names were not the formal Anglo names you would have found in WASP society but the "nickname" version or some variation, e.g. Harry, Jerry, JanRu (my late older cousin, Janet+Ruth, she hated it), Liz.
4
I do think you may be right - I was hesitant about my comment, and now I might have to get off my high horse. Oh well...apologies to Mr. Blow, if warranted. (but he should have made that a bit clearer)
1
Thanks for sharing this tragic and beautiful column.
9
Gorgeous prose again. Thank you, Mr. Blow
12
Charles definitely means well, so we should take it in that spirit. But it's a little bit mean to throw your mom under the bus for not saying Larry's name earlier.
3
I agree with the sentiments that this is a wonderful eulogy.
My only criticism is that the non-acceptance is a 2-way street. Many black (mostly religious) communities are far from welcoming to the LGBT communities.
My only criticism is that the non-acceptance is a 2-way street. Many black (mostly religious) communities are far from welcoming to the LGBT communities.
46
The difference, dear Jim, is that 'many black (mostly religious) communities' DO NOT have political power, commercial power, social power, etc etc.
It is the powerful that morality and practicality require to be welcoming.
Once the powerful are welcoming, we then the 'many black (mostly religious communities' will be practically forced by circumstance to be welcoming, right? They'd stick out like sore thumbs, the power elite and everyone else having being so welcoming and just by comparison.
It is the powerful that morality and practicality require to be welcoming.
Once the powerful are welcoming, we then the 'many black (mostly religious communities' will be practically forced by circumstance to be welcoming, right? They'd stick out like sore thumbs, the power elite and everyone else having being so welcoming and just by comparison.
14
Thank you Mr. Blow for a beautiful tribute to your cousin, and a moving reminder that all of us need to be vigilant against bigotry.
17
As a 68 year old white gay female, coming out some 45 years ago wasn’t easy, but it certainly wasn’t as difficult or nearly as dangerous as what your cousin faced. I applaud his bravery, and honor the integrity of his soul. I too wish he had lived to see Friday, and that he’d had the same opportunity to cry the tears of joy and affirmation that I did.
24
In addition to the great James Baldwin, it is certainly worth mentioning the brilliant strategist and openly gay Bayard Rustin, without whom, there is no “1963 March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.”
To be black and openly gay in the 1940s required unbelievable courage. For anyone interested in the life of this courageous human being, I recommend “Time on Two Crosses: The Collected Writings of Bayard Rustin.”
“Two Crosses” – being Black and Gay.
To be black and openly gay in the 1940s required unbelievable courage. For anyone interested in the life of this courageous human being, I recommend “Time on Two Crosses: The Collected Writings of Bayard Rustin.”
“Two Crosses” – being Black and Gay.
19
Quite a bummer, and Mr. Blow, my condolences about your cousin, it's horrible when people are murdered for no reason at all, besides blind hatred and idiocy.
More tragic too to contemplate that while things are better today for gay people in America, although there are a lot of backwards towns that aren't too tolerant still, in most places in the world being gay can be an instant death sentence. All over Africa, the Mideast, and Central and South America, in most countries, mobs can kill gay men and women with impunity, and do. Several countries the government gets into the act too, handing down jail terms and death sentences for the crime of being gay.
So this federally approved gay marriage is great, and overdue, but there is a lot of work yet to be done around the world.
And I get that the article was drawing a parallel between black people being callously killed, and gay people. I'd say worldwide, more people are killed for being gay than being black. And in America, more black people are killed by black men than by anyone else, no offense. So work needs to be done there too, but nobody's got a monopoly on being oppressed and unjustly killed.
More tragic too to contemplate that while things are better today for gay people in America, although there are a lot of backwards towns that aren't too tolerant still, in most places in the world being gay can be an instant death sentence. All over Africa, the Mideast, and Central and South America, in most countries, mobs can kill gay men and women with impunity, and do. Several countries the government gets into the act too, handing down jail terms and death sentences for the crime of being gay.
So this federally approved gay marriage is great, and overdue, but there is a lot of work yet to be done around the world.
And I get that the article was drawing a parallel between black people being callously killed, and gay people. I'd say worldwide, more people are killed for being gay than being black. And in America, more black people are killed by black men than by anyone else, no offense. So work needs to be done there too, but nobody's got a monopoly on being oppressed and unjustly killed.
4
Our president's commitment to Gay and Black equal rights in our troubled nation comes in the form of a tepid handshake, extended only after the temperature of the political waters has been duly tested. What was wanting from the start from president Obama, rather than the tepid acquiescence, was the passionate embrace.
5
Your thoughtful and beautiful eulogy makes Larry's story even more poignant. Thank you for sharing this with us, your readers. Hopefully, we'll be far less anxious to pass judgement and far more willing to reach out a helping hand to anyone feeling isolated by characteristics that they cannot change and which make them the unique person that they are.
15
Has anyone asked the question regarding the Charleston AME Church stance on gay marriage?
17
Don't you think that would be truly insensitive timing?
5
You bring up an interesting point on civil rights. If a pastor or priest or rabbi morally disagrees with gay marriage; and they refuse to marry gay people, are they then liable to prosecution and persecution?
There apparently is absolutely no evidence as to who killed his cousin or why he was killed. Mr Blow's assumption that his cousin was murdered because he was gay and/or black speaks volumes about Mr. Blow's prejudices. Perhaps Mr. Blow should live elsewhere on this earth. He appears to be very unhappy living in America, the greatest country this planet has ever seen.
11
While true, you comments speak volumes about the prejudices of many in the country, who see it as exceptional, and who deny the presence of bigotry, or who see no reason to expose bigotry and hatred for what they are, manifestations of fear of the other. One of the other readers cited a quotation from Dr. Martin Luther King, one of those who made this country great, "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." I'm happy that Mr. Blow has chosen to stay here. Perhaps his words will give the foolish, pause to think, a bit more deeply, about their own prejudices.
46
What an outrageous response to a heartfelt eulogy. Persons with views such as those expressed by RGV bring shame and disgrace to America and the principles for which we stand (at least theoretically).
49
The writer did not say anything disparaging about this country. It's really easy to just say "oh, you don't like America" if people question certain societal inequities or prejudice, but it doesn't make your point.
Also, why would the writer have been doing the job of the police? This wasn't some crime blog where he was tasked with writing a description of the crime and investigation, it was a short opinion piece.
Also, why would the writer have been doing the job of the police? This wasn't some crime blog where he was tasked with writing a description of the crime and investigation, it was a short opinion piece.
19
Friday brought on one of the moments frozen in time, moment which will remind us what we were doing and where we were. In the past we had those moments when slavery was abolished, Black-Americans could vote, Women could vote, Roe v/s Wade and electing our First Black-American President. But as with all these rulings the realities are still evolving. There rulings have'nt changed the realities on the ground. Bigotry is very much alive and has moved into the realm of being politically correct. But bigotry is bigotry entrenched in our institutions and personal psyche. There is eons and eons of work to be done which will take perhaps another century to complete. But at least, we have made a start. Lawrence may not have been there to witness the victory. Hopefully, his grand nephews/nieces or their kids will have that frozen moment in time.
4
Wonderful piece. Could easily have been written about/for my late brother Roger, who was black, gay and murdered in the 1970s. Wish, too, he could have been here on Friday to celebrate.
53
I am white, heterosexual female, raised in a middle-class home. No strikes against me whatsoever.
Reading this has made me weep - like I wept on reading the horrors inflicted against young Emmett Till in Richard Powers' haunting work, "The Time of Our Singing," which ought to be required reading in all US high schools.
Emmett Till was not even gay - but he dared to whistle at a white woman, which was a death sentence in the deep south in the 1950s.
One can only imagine the hatred inflicted on those who are both gay and black in many parts of the world, even the United States. Even in the year 2015. Why are people still so terrified of "The Other?"
Reading this has made me weep - like I wept on reading the horrors inflicted against young Emmett Till in Richard Powers' haunting work, "The Time of Our Singing," which ought to be required reading in all US high schools.
Emmett Till was not even gay - but he dared to whistle at a white woman, which was a death sentence in the deep south in the 1950s.
One can only imagine the hatred inflicted on those who are both gay and black in many parts of the world, even the United States. Even in the year 2015. Why are people still so terrified of "The Other?"
24
Larry didn't live to see Friday, but this essay brings him to life for us, and teaches a valuable lesson about the need for acceptance in the face of difference, love of diversity, and, above all else, respect for those courageous enough to live their lives honestly, upholding their true selves, as Thoreau said, walking to the beat of their own drum. Our communities and our cultures wither when everyone is mob-pressured to look and act and talk and marry like everyone else. The worst in every culture comes from lock-step thought and intolerance.
24
In a fine sense this piece is a beautiful eulogy for Larry.
28
You have, at least, given Larry a beautiful epitaph; and made us all think about the value of his life and so many others like him. It brings hope to my heart. Thank you Mr. Blow.
48
Well, as a straight white guy who grew up in the rural South, I can not even imagine how hard it would be to be a gay black guy growing up in the same place.
Holy cow.
Holy cow.
108
“The gay world as such is no more prepared to accept black people than anywhere else in society.”
I'm seeing the opposite now too. That is the black world is no more prepared to accept gay people than anywhere else. In fact homophobia is bigger factor in black America (and I hate to use that term - because I don't be believe in a Black America VS a white America) than it is in society in general.
Since bigotry knows not just one group, I remember this from Martin Luther King Jr.: "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
I'm seeing the opposite now too. That is the black world is no more prepared to accept gay people than anywhere else. In fact homophobia is bigger factor in black America (and I hate to use that term - because I don't be believe in a Black America VS a white America) than it is in society in general.
Since bigotry knows not just one group, I remember this from Martin Luther King Jr.: "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."
26
Re: "My Murdered Cousin Had a Name," Op-Ed column, by Charles M. Blow, June 29, 2015.
Larry, Charles Blow's cousin, wasn't allowed to live because he was gay.
How sad, and what a shame. Blow mourns Larry's death, movingly, aided by
James Baldwin, who lived the terror of being black and gay. Now that same-sex marriage is legal in all the 50 states of America, it is time for American columnists and reporters like Blow to come to the aid of the L.G. B. T. Q. communities in China, India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, the Middle East, and other parts of the world. Neither the liberal press nor the progressive politicians in those countries dare to champion the cause of the utterly stifled sexually non-traditional men and women living in the shadows. Actually, hatred of the L. G. B. T. Q. section of the populations in the countries I mention seems to be far greater and deeper than it is in the United states and Europe. That hatred has to be exposed as undemocratic intolerance by journalists in the enlightened countries of the world.
Freedom to live one's own life the way one wants is sacred, and it has to be fought for by all, no matter what his/her sexual orientation
Larry, Charles Blow's cousin, wasn't allowed to live because he was gay.
How sad, and what a shame. Blow mourns Larry's death, movingly, aided by
James Baldwin, who lived the terror of being black and gay. Now that same-sex marriage is legal in all the 50 states of America, it is time for American columnists and reporters like Blow to come to the aid of the L.G. B. T. Q. communities in China, India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, the Middle East, and other parts of the world. Neither the liberal press nor the progressive politicians in those countries dare to champion the cause of the utterly stifled sexually non-traditional men and women living in the shadows. Actually, hatred of the L. G. B. T. Q. section of the populations in the countries I mention seems to be far greater and deeper than it is in the United states and Europe. That hatred has to be exposed as undemocratic intolerance by journalists in the enlightened countries of the world.
Freedom to live one's own life the way one wants is sacred, and it has to be fought for by all, no matter what his/her sexual orientation
10
This is exactly right. As gay people become more established in the United States, we need to turn our attention to the plight of our brothers and sisters in other countries. It's ironic, though, that as we neutralize the bigot here, so many of them (like Scott Lively and his ilk) go to places where they can find more receptive audiences and foment hatred against GLBT populations that are far more vulnerable than ours.
2
Charles, have you considered that you cousin was killed by a violent lover? Also, the president is not black, he's mulatto.
6
Technically, yes, President Obama is "mulatto," a word that carries negative connotations. If memory serves, the president has himself self-identified as black or African-American. While he has always proudly acknowledged his dual racial heritage, he has chosen to self-identify as a black man.
20
Bern, perhaps you should consider that the exact cause of Larry's death is probably the least significant element in this entire piece. And Pres. Obama is a "mulatto?"
Mr. Blow makes significant points about blackness, gayness, "differentness" - and you choose to pick nits. To each his own, I suppose, but you seem to have completely missed a really nice article.
Mr. Blow makes significant points about blackness, gayness, "differentness" - and you choose to pick nits. To each his own, I suppose, but you seem to have completely missed a really nice article.
19
Considered? I'm sure he "considered" it with the same weight one might consider whether a black man in the south found hanging in a tree might have simply committed suicide. Both probabilities are non-zero, but c'mon...
12
Very sorry for your loss. Beautiful, brave and worthy . . .sounds like a wonderful person. Larry has a cousin who though his writing, can help people think through these issues and reach millions.
Watching The Farm documentary about Angola Prison - Louisiana has a long ways to go in achieving human rights.
Watching The Farm documentary about Angola Prison - Louisiana has a long ways to go in achieving human rights.
11
Did not make it through this piece without crying. A coworker of mine in Durham, NC died in a manner similar to that of Larry, two decades later. His murderer was found and convicted. Curtis didn't hide his self; someone else decided to do that for him. One big difference: as an employee of Duke University, his memorial was held at Duke Chapel.
15
Public and subsidized housing have been demolished in Atlanta, and former residents have had to move to the least expensive suburbs - far from public transportation, jobs, or other amenities. Meanwhile, there is less and less affordable housing in their old neighborhoods. Let's hope the court's ruling helps reverse this calamity.
2
I am glad that you are alive and able to pay homage to your cousin as speaking his name keeps his memory alive. If only more people understood this powerful statement - I wish he had lived to see more people come to understand the intersectionality of oppression — that racism and homophobia are born of the same beast.
29
I'd write something poignant, but tears will have to suffice.
21
May his memory forever be for a blessing.
That's a traditional Jewish response upon hearing of a death, and in your case, this is especially true. Your cousin's memory has indeed been a blessing for you because he helped allow you to talk about him, his death, your response, and sadly, the continued negative response in this country.
As I breathed a great sigh of relief at this ruling, I could not help, when hearing some of the vicious, hate-filled response from the right, about the response the Lovings got after the Supreme Court struck down bans on interracial marriage.
It's not that people change when the mores change.....there seems to be a need to find a new scapegoat. Those who hate will find someone else to target, and when they do, you must continue to cherish Larry's memory and help make it a blessing for the next victim.
From strength to strength, from blessing to blessing.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
That's a traditional Jewish response upon hearing of a death, and in your case, this is especially true. Your cousin's memory has indeed been a blessing for you because he helped allow you to talk about him, his death, your response, and sadly, the continued negative response in this country.
As I breathed a great sigh of relief at this ruling, I could not help, when hearing some of the vicious, hate-filled response from the right, about the response the Lovings got after the Supreme Court struck down bans on interracial marriage.
It's not that people change when the mores change.....there seems to be a need to find a new scapegoat. Those who hate will find someone else to target, and when they do, you must continue to cherish Larry's memory and help make it a blessing for the next victim.
From strength to strength, from blessing to blessing.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
24
Mr. Blow, I'm sorry your cousin didn't live to see this day either. It's very hard watching someone you love and care about be on the receiving end of discrimination he doesn't deserve. Being of a different skin color, different sexuality, different religion, or handicapped should not be an excuse to isolate, discriminate against, or other penalize a person. I'm sure, given all the joy I have seen about this ruling on marriage, that your cousin would have been dancing in the streets with his significant other. Perhaps you can dance a bit for him.
19
Correction ... mixed-race president, let's not forget the white part even though it is not en vogue these days!
14
and just why does that matter? And why do you care enough to comment?
From a text exchange on Friday between me and my divorced parents:
Dad: I grew up in a small town in Northern California. It wasn't until I graduated from Berkeley and bought my first house that I met people I knew were gay. The guys across the street had lived together for 35 years. This was in 1971. I learned from them and through them the great pain that so many gays felt then. Today I hope all people who love love will rejoice.
Mom: Yep, have thought about those neighbors many times over the years. Lots of memories of good recipes, and house cleaning tips, I was young! lol and hey I think they were the ones I believe that taught us pinochle, a game that would bring our family lots of joy over the years! However, after we sold the house those gay neighbors called and gave us the riot act because the new buyers were BLACK and how could we do that to the neighborhood.
Dad: I grew up in a small town in Northern California. It wasn't until I graduated from Berkeley and bought my first house that I met people I knew were gay. The guys across the street had lived together for 35 years. This was in 1971. I learned from them and through them the great pain that so many gays felt then. Today I hope all people who love love will rejoice.
Mom: Yep, have thought about those neighbors many times over the years. Lots of memories of good recipes, and house cleaning tips, I was young! lol and hey I think they were the ones I believe that taught us pinochle, a game that would bring our family lots of joy over the years! However, after we sold the house those gay neighbors called and gave us the riot act because the new buyers were BLACK and how could we do that to the neighborhood.
19
Homosexuality remains a major taboo in black culture, if not the greatest taboo. We need Blacks with healthy attitudes and an empirical knowledge base that can assist in educating the community about the debilitating
effects of spoiled identities. In time, our communities will increasingly value respect for every form of human personality and expression. When those days come, we will go a long way to reducing humans’ inhumanity toward humans
effects of spoiled identities. In time, our communities will increasingly value respect for every form of human personality and expression. When those days come, we will go a long way to reducing humans’ inhumanity toward humans
25
The wounds of inhumanity have no boundaries it finds victims everywhere...Such is the nature of depravity has unlimited reach and resources ..Even in death I do wonder if inhumanity visits that space as well ...Even in death the memories of many are still violated and wounded by the hate that delivered them to the grave yard..
8
I choose to see the world in a more positive light for the future. "All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good people to do nothing." Changes take place slowly, but are still possible because enough of us care, and act on those beliefs. Only one, even one can make a difference--here (meaning anywhere) and now, and for the collective future.
I, too, wish that Larry would have lived to see this past week. Your writing is beautiful and true.
18
I would submit that the gay rights movement would not have made the progress it did in the time that it did if its spokespersons were of color.
5
Hi Charles: Thank you for that beautiful column. I too am sorry that Larry was not alive to celebrate last Friday!!!
God's Peace,
Frank
God's Peace,
Frank
14
I will never understand why people can’t respect differences that exist in the human race. Who are any of us to judge? May peace and love surround your cousin.
20
MR. BLOW, MANY HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT IN THE PAST . . .
...many white gays discriminated against their black counterparts. And, due to the reliance on churches, in general, most black were against homosexuality. They viewed the use black civil rights model as inappropriate and an insult to African Americans.
We sometimes in our self righteousness tend to forget that after the fall from grace, we are all subject to original sin.
Black or white; gay or straight.
...many white gays discriminated against their black counterparts. And, due to the reliance on churches, in general, most black were against homosexuality. They viewed the use black civil rights model as inappropriate and an insult to African Americans.
We sometimes in our self righteousness tend to forget that after the fall from grace, we are all subject to original sin.
Black or white; gay or straight.
6
I guess Mr. Blow had no choice but to inject race into this. I hate to break it to you though Blow, but it is highly probably your cousin was murdered by a black person.
"Such were the dangers of being both black and different."
If that statement is true then the fact is that the dangers blacks face are statistically from other blacks.
"Such were the dangers of being both black and different."
If that statement is true then the fact is that the dangers blacks face are statistically from other blacks.
10
Those who create a hideous mess bear responsibility.
It is the same as with the wars we started and cannot now stop. Most of the killing is Arabs killing Arabs. We got it going. It would not be happening if we had not invaded.
Just so, we created the twisted space in which blacks live, and in which they kill each other. It would not be happening without the homophobia and racism that defined the event.
You can't wash your hands of it so easily.
It is the same as with the wars we started and cannot now stop. Most of the killing is Arabs killing Arabs. We got it going. It would not be happening if we had not invaded.
Just so, we created the twisted space in which blacks live, and in which they kill each other. It would not be happening without the homophobia and racism that defined the event.
You can't wash your hands of it so easily.
10
Jacobi, yes, "black-on-black crime" is indeed a problem. But the point of this article is that hatred is a root of both racism and homophibia.
10
@ Mark
I bear no responsibility for past actions of folk I had no control over. Similarly I bear no responsibility for what some folk do to others that I have no control over. I do not believe in collective responsibility for individual acts particularly when I have no power over those actions. Individuals bear all the responsibility for their actions.
I bear no responsibility for past actions of folk I had no control over. Similarly I bear no responsibility for what some folk do to others that I have no control over. I do not believe in collective responsibility for individual acts particularly when I have no power over those actions. Individuals bear all the responsibility for their actions.
1
Charles said itso powerfully: gay black young men face "amplified erasure". Nearly very lynching in the South involved black men and sexual charges, debasement, and murder. The one that didn't involved a Jew. Obama's masterful eulogy in South Carolina praised those who manifest "grace" -- and with the grieving, he hymned their hope for "grace" to be shown in these "United", emphasis his, States.
1492 to 2015.
We still "erase" the humanity of the Other. The 500th anniversary of the New Jerusalem is approaching. 500 years in the Promised Land, while brotherhood and sisterhood, grace manifested, are only "promises" broken by the flags and violence some revere.
1492 to 2015.
We still "erase" the humanity of the Other. The 500th anniversary of the New Jerusalem is approaching. 500 years in the Promised Land, while brotherhood and sisterhood, grace manifested, are only "promises" broken by the flags and violence some revere.
5
Beautiful and eloquent, this strikes me as a eulogy for "Lawrence."
Thank you for sharing this story, I imagine for anyone with a story like this to tell, it can be difficult for them, or for their family members - but they know that the stories of those living in the margins need to be shared so we may eradicate the margins and bring everyone into society and under the protective umbrella of our laws and values (some of which need to change for this to happen)
Thank you for sharing this story, I imagine for anyone with a story like this to tell, it can be difficult for them, or for their family members - but they know that the stories of those living in the margins need to be shared so we may eradicate the margins and bring everyone into society and under the protective umbrella of our laws and values (some of which need to change for this to happen)
5
In societies worldwide and of one race or another there are thousands and thousands of Lawrence's. What offers them some assurances are the efforts of countries like the United States that lessen their burdens with changes in the laws. It is a start. Thereafter, time has its work to do.
3
Charles, reading your piece this morning reminds us how much is left to be done. One heart, one mind at a time.
It is a shame so many commentators here chose to nit pick or to rationalize.
All lives matter, anywhere in the Universe. To paraphrase: not a sparrow shall fall to the ground that is not noticed.
I don't understand how fear blinds us to the Divinity that is within each and every one of us.
Keep up your beautiful writing and this so important work.
It is a shame so many commentators here chose to nit pick or to rationalize.
All lives matter, anywhere in the Universe. To paraphrase: not a sparrow shall fall to the ground that is not noticed.
I don't understand how fear blinds us to the Divinity that is within each and every one of us.
Keep up your beautiful writing and this so important work.
18
Thank you for bringing Larry back to life for us again, this time with an added layer of poignancy. And thank you for being a good cousin and friend to him. It's awful to lose a loved one due to murderous hatred. It just doesn't make any sense.
I'm so sorry that Larry, and many others, aren't with us today to see how far we've come. Most of us, anyway.
I'm so sorry that Larry, and many others, aren't with us today to see how far we've come. Most of us, anyway.
2
I wish he had too. What a strange nation we are. So generous, and so cruel.
5
It's hard for me to understand how people base their thoughts, ideals, and actions on a book written in the Bronze Age. It's even harder for me to understand why the Blacks took this book, the reference book for all sorts of misconduct and even evil, from their oppressors, who actually used this book to the detriment of the Blacks. As for the meek inheriting the earth, that's looking less and less likely as we live longer lives. It's taken the powerful, in many cases, to enforce what should be normal logical actions. I don't want my laws determined by some ancient book, nor by the imagined dictates of some invisible being. Blacks in this country, because of their history, found comfort in their meeting houses/churches. The ancient book was fostered on them, to give them thoughts of better lives in a dream world, These tactics are like Isis or any other jihadist community who are able to collect willing participants, obviously looking for better lives. Breaking away from this book enables rational humanist thought, based on reason and logic. The slave owners used the Bible for their ends, they use it now to subjugate another group of people. A god doesn't rule my country, lawmakers do, and if Jindal calls his god the final arbiter of this land, then Jindal is of the same mentality than the Taliban, Isis, Al Quaeda and every other religious fanatical group. Besides, neither a god, nor a bible is ruling my land. People and laws do.
8
That brought tears to my eyes, as did President Obama's eulogy. As Frederick Douglass reminded us long ago, where there is no struggle there can be no progress. We have made lots of progress, there is still much work to do, and the struggle continues. Your cousin Larry is among the ancestors, and I have to believe that he knows the changes that have come and that he smiles, and that he knows the work to come and he offers strength. As my husband and I, both Black men, prepare to become foster or adoptive parents, I am caught short by how utterly normal that is and how very revolutionary the changes we and friends and family continue to fight for are.
5
From Ralph Ellison's seminal " Invisible Man" through Charles Gordone's " No Place To Be Somebody" to August Wilson's "Fences" black artists have explored the many dualities that play out in confined defined unknown black lives over centuries of isolation. W.E.B. DuBois is his iconic "The Souls of Black Folks" set the intellectual factual base. A physically identifiable colored minority with a history of enslavement and legal discrimination is superficially super visible.
But " Nobody Knows My Name " beyond "You People" or the "Black Guy" or " Girl." When white folks are not paying attention nor caring - black on black violence- blacks know everyone's name. My LGBT family and friends tell me that white supremacy marks and isolates them from their white peers. In my youth I was taught homophobia in my black church. We avoided the choir director and beautician and dancer with a slur beginning with S.
But a tiny few boldly stood up and gained grudging respect. One was my transgendered cousin who was big and tough and was good with "her" fists. Plus being very nice and kind by nature that won hearts and minds. She was a lot of fun. She died much beloved and is missed.
"To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again". Ancient Egyptian proverb. " Cynthia" was not her name. But it will suffice for making her live again.
But " Nobody Knows My Name " beyond "You People" or the "Black Guy" or " Girl." When white folks are not paying attention nor caring - black on black violence- blacks know everyone's name. My LGBT family and friends tell me that white supremacy marks and isolates them from their white peers. In my youth I was taught homophobia in my black church. We avoided the choir director and beautician and dancer with a slur beginning with S.
But a tiny few boldly stood up and gained grudging respect. One was my transgendered cousin who was big and tough and was good with "her" fists. Plus being very nice and kind by nature that won hearts and minds. She was a lot of fun. She died much beloved and is missed.
"To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again". Ancient Egyptian proverb. " Cynthia" was not her name. But it will suffice for making her live again.
8
I hope the horror of Charleston has finally opened the eyes of white America to the seemingly obvious fact that racism has not vanished and needs to be part of an honest, forthright national dialogue. I'm so sorry about your cousin and so many other marginalized LGBTQ individuals and people of color who paid the ultimate price for simply being who they were....an almost incomprehensible concept until it's writ large, in front of all our faces, undeniable. Mindlessly touting our "exceptionalism" rings hollow and - more importantly - provides a smokescreen for our humiliating status quo. We should discuss this every single day between now ad November, 2016 and every candidates not equal to the task should be relegated to the dust bins of history. It's Time!
3
I wish Larry could have lived to see that his painful plight wasn't in vain. And that his cousin, who became a successful Times reporter and author, is using his story to expand understanding of and compassion for those suffering the dire unfair consequences of being both black and "different." But maybe Larry knows.
6
Mr. Blow:
thank you for sharing this expanded narrative about one of your cousins.
would that our country have done much better much, much earlier...
possibly providing more-open avenues for the many who have left us too early simply because of "who" they are.
my own cousin, three children of close friends...all too soon, all needlessly...
all at total loss for all of us.
healing is best served as a community-wide commitment.
may healing spread far and wide.
condolences to the members of the circles of our prematurely fallen brothers and sisters.
3
My deepest sympathies over the horrific murder of your beloved cousin. Nobody deserves to die for being different. What a tragedy to lose this beautiful man who just wanted to live his life and harmed no one.
6
I am normally not a big fan of Mr. Blow’s columns, but this one touched my soul. The haunting mental imagery of the horrendous horror and terror your cousin felt that fateful day never leaves a loved one. My heart hurts for his Mom, for you, for his entire family.
I am always shocked by how despicable, low and cruel human beings can become and the barbaric and heinous acts inflicted upon those who are viewed as different. No doubt, your cousin never bothered or harmed anyone and was okay with who he was. Why can’t that ever be enough in society? To this day, I will never understand why people can’t at least respect the fundamental differences that exist in the human race. Who are any of us to judge?
Condolences for your loss and may peace and love surround your cousin.
I am always shocked by how despicable, low and cruel human beings can become and the barbaric and heinous acts inflicted upon those who are viewed as different. No doubt, your cousin never bothered or harmed anyone and was okay with who he was. Why can’t that ever be enough in society? To this day, I will never understand why people can’t at least respect the fundamental differences that exist in the human race. Who are any of us to judge?
Condolences for your loss and may peace and love surround your cousin.
13
Thank you for sharing this. My respect and admiration go to all those who have lived and fought to end the fear and hatred of people and behaviors that are only different from the majority, and harmful to no one.
2
An honest assessment would have more directly discussed the rampant homophobia among African-Americans.
22
That cannot be blamed in isolation from the rampant homophobia among everyone else at the time.
3
To Mr. Blow's list of sorrowful wishes I add:
I wish he'd %^&*!@# moved.
Matt Shepard was killed in 1998. Larry suffered his horrible death five years before in 1993. For heaven's sake, what was he doing in smalltown Louisiana? He could have been happy and fulfilled in New Orleans, Houston or maybe Baton Rouge.
One of the greatest gifts Gay people have made to non-Gays is the ability to leave behind a toxic environment. We have had to make our own families of choice, based on affection, not blood. This past weekend our families of choice were affirmed in the highest court and in the streets.
But it takes psychological strength to leave the comforts of home, such as they are, and not all of us have that strength. I am sorry that Larry did not. But to every suffering LGBTQ person in the land I say: Move! Get your behind to the nearest city. You'll be glad you did. Doesn't have to be NY or SF - Indianapolis, Boise or Nashville will do. Stick relatively close so you can still see your family if you want. But for heaven's sake --> pack up and move, it will save your life. Leave behind those narrow minds so you can live.
Thank you, Mr. Blow.
I wish he'd %^&*!@# moved.
Matt Shepard was killed in 1998. Larry suffered his horrible death five years before in 1993. For heaven's sake, what was he doing in smalltown Louisiana? He could have been happy and fulfilled in New Orleans, Houston or maybe Baton Rouge.
One of the greatest gifts Gay people have made to non-Gays is the ability to leave behind a toxic environment. We have had to make our own families of choice, based on affection, not blood. This past weekend our families of choice were affirmed in the highest court and in the streets.
But it takes psychological strength to leave the comforts of home, such as they are, and not all of us have that strength. I am sorry that Larry did not. But to every suffering LGBTQ person in the land I say: Move! Get your behind to the nearest city. You'll be glad you did. Doesn't have to be NY or SF - Indianapolis, Boise or Nashville will do. Stick relatively close so you can still see your family if you want. But for heaven's sake --> pack up and move, it will save your life. Leave behind those narrow minds so you can live.
Thank you, Mr. Blow.
25
Poverty is highly restrictive, too. Not everyone has the resources to just pick up and move. :/
6
Some of us have family that we genuinely care about. We can't just pick up and move. Given the job situation moving without a job in place is not a good idea either. Not everyone has the financial resources to pick up and move. It's more about that than it is about psychology family ties notwithstanding.
1
A truly sad story.Larry had every right to live his life,his way,peaceful way.But those days tolerance was in short supply & prejudices in large measures.
Today a man or woman can Choose with whom he or she can be friends with.
Alas,Larry is not around to savour the fresh air of tolerance & right of Choice.
May Larry's soul rest in peace.
Today a man or woman can Choose with whom he or she can be friends with.
Alas,Larry is not around to savour the fresh air of tolerance & right of Choice.
May Larry's soul rest in peace.
4
No, doubt life presented huge obstacles to Lawrence as a gay and African-American man in this time and place, but it sounds as if he may have been killed by a lover, and his death was not related to being black and only related to being in that males kill far more often than females, and thus those who have sex with men are more at risk.
7
Just like the deaths of so many prostitutes are not hate crimes? come on.... Hateful killers hunt those that society doesn't care to protect.
4
A poignant and beautiful piece, Charles. It highlights how everything begins with the local, the small, the individual, the next door neighbor. Whole movements grow out of local groups. Sometimes these movements produce fantastic good, as last week showed. Sometimes the loud, the judgmental, the mean prevails, and there is much suffering. Larry's death (and his life) shows us how we must persevere, not pause for a moment, even when there are achievements and milestones to celebrate. It starts right here at home, but grows as we join hands and speak out. There is still so much work to do, so much fear and hatred in our society to lay to rest. Because you told us about Larry, his death is not in vain. He will be an inspiration to move forward with courage.
27
A wonderful, truthful, painful essay, Mr. Blow. It is a gift. Thank you.
1
Deeply moving!
I wish he had lived to see a black president eulogize a black man killed and also advocate for the full and rich lives that L.G.B.T.Q. people live. I wish Larry had lived to see Friday.
Most of us that lived our lives openly so as to advance GLBT rights, did so with the understanding that those rights were completely intertwined with the rights of other persecuted people. Larry had the misfortune to fall victim to a double whammy of hate, but HATE IS HATE.
Mr. Blow, you certainly made me feel how this perfect storm of events evoked strong feelings in you.
I wish he had lived to see a black president eulogize a black man killed and also advocate for the full and rich lives that L.G.B.T.Q. people live. I wish Larry had lived to see Friday.
Most of us that lived our lives openly so as to advance GLBT rights, did so with the understanding that those rights were completely intertwined with the rights of other persecuted people. Larry had the misfortune to fall victim to a double whammy of hate, but HATE IS HATE.
Mr. Blow, you certainly made me feel how this perfect storm of events evoked strong feelings in you.
3
A wonderful tribute to all those 'others' killed, abused and oppressed for being individual human beings. The author is correct things are getting better, ever so slowly, but better.
4
Thank you, Esteemed Mr. Blow. I always feel that i have a chance of being a better person for having read your column. I deeply admire your courage in speaking your truth, all the more so since the harder the truth, the more apt the messenger will be blamed or disrespected for shining a light upon it. Like your cousin, my father was a gay man who lived before there was any degree of general acceptance of the so-called gay lifestyle. (It is probably not coincidental that he was not black and was not murdered.) Your tribute to your cousin is beautiful, thank you deeply for sharing it.
3
So, then, who was responsible for Larry's death? Some crazed, white, angry clansman? Or was it someone from the close-knit, homophobic black congregation who was unwilling to accept the basic right of others to do as they please?
Mr. Blow is curiously silent on this issue given his usual penchant for ascribing blame to anyone other than one in the black community for what happens within its structure.
Mr. Blow is curiously silent on this issue given his usual penchant for ascribing blame to anyone other than one in the black community for what happens within its structure.
8
Mr. Blow has his agenda and keeps to it no matter what. He is nothing if not consistent.
At this point, with no conviction and no hope left for an investigation, Mr. Blow would have to be a blasted fool to specify one single identifying detail about the person who killed his cousin -- assuming that he even knows. Nearly as large a fool as you.
Oh my. Last week, a high school classmate from the all-black segregated southern and high achieving school we attended died and was buried. He was transgendered. She was brilliant and musically gifted. Her father, a corporate executive, disowned her. She allowed herself to die by stopping all medical care some time ago. She and I had three other openly gay men among our circle in the class of 1967. I am now the only one who survives. AIDS, a murder, two suicides. Oppression took its toll, and in several guises. I remain to bear witness. Somehow, I managed to have a successful career as an obviously gay man (hiding was never an option for me -- never -- the moment I took one step the world knew). Black and gay had to be forgotten, as I needed to press forward and give it my all. Yet, when they were used as weapons against me, I often knew only in retrospect, if at all, and occasionally in real time. That is when saw and had to comprehend white men and women wielding switchblades. Unforgettable were those times when the attackers were gay white men and white lesbians. Celebrating last week was tempered for me by these realities and memories, and by the mourning for my people and this nation in Charleston. I am enormously grateful to Charles Blow for striking just the right poignant balance for those of us who straddle two worlds as Baldwin says in "...Fire" that , "...[have] evolved no terms for [our] existence..."
12
When Larry lived, as a gay black man, he faced a double rejection: the black community rejecting him for being gay, the gay community rejecting him for being black. This article is so moving, both in its personal small-scale, and the large perspective it addresses. Thank you, Charles Blow.
10
You restored his humanity, and have awakened mine. I did not think I had any more tears left after the past three days. I was wrong. God bless you Mr. Blow, and God bless your cousin.
7
Thank you for the loving introduction to Larry and, by extension, ourselves.
Your remembrance is Pulitzer-worthy.
Your remembrance is Pulitzer-worthy.
3
Thank you for this. Such sadness in the joy.
2
Mr. Blow, what appeals to me most about your columns is your honesty, sensitivity and eloquence.
Thank you for today's column.
It was worthy of you, and you are worthy of it.
Thank you for today's column.
It was worthy of you, and you are worthy of it.
6
I wish the same for my old Maestro Frederick Douglas Wilkerson who was a Black/Cherokee and Gay. His answer was to teach some of the greatest singers in the world but to self medicate with Alcohol. We all knew that the pain he carried was far beyond our abilities to understand although he continually brought young people, both male and female, out of the trash heap and into the light of Art and vocal perfection. He would not have been surprised by the massacre in South Carolina, but I wish he could have seen our current President. He came to New York City at the end of his life and was murdered in his own home on the upper West side on 93rd street. While I was in the Army Chorus and studying voice with him in Washington, D.C. , I saw what it meant to rescue and heal people with the power of care and the power of music. He did that for us all both Gay and Straight, Black and Other no matter what the religion or ethnicity. Ray Evans Harrell, Voice Teacher, New York City
18
Thank you for making another name known. Perhaps we need some memorials in our town squares that are not men on horseback.
The events of the past week have made a strange condurdrum. While people of all races support GLBT rights, many black churches are bastions of homophobia.
"Fairly or not, African-Americans have become the public face of resistance to same-sex marriage, owing to their religious beliefs and the outspoken opposition of many black pastors."
The next step here is for traditionally black churches to recognize GLBT persons and stop preaching against them.
NPR interview by Corey Dade
http://www.npr.org/2012/05/22/153282066/blacks-gays-and-the-church-a-com...
"Fairly or not, African-Americans have become the public face of resistance to same-sex marriage, owing to their religious beliefs and the outspoken opposition of many black pastors."
The next step here is for traditionally black churches to recognize GLBT persons and stop preaching against them.
NPR interview by Corey Dade
http://www.npr.org/2012/05/22/153282066/blacks-gays-and-the-church-a-com...
16
Beautifully written confluence of the toxicity of White Supremacy, elixer of grace & tolerance reflected by the Emanuel Church congregation, Supreme Court decision sanctifying gay marriage nationwide with opposition by GOP presidential hopefuls & Conservative Supreme Court justices. An interesting juxtaposition of time, space, equality, tolerance & moral ambiguity for those caught up in the headwinds.
I could feel the stifling oppression of living in a small town in the deep South by your moving account of your cousin, Mr. Blow. How deeply painful for him, having to keep his spirit hidden from a repressive & bigoted community, except for the sanctuary of the upholstery shop. His only crime was being born gay & Black in a place in time where this was strictly verboten. Similar to Anne Frank's story as she survived the Gestapo by hiding, Larry was forced to conceal his true self from the ignorance of bigotry. When Matthew Shepherd was brutally murdered, I remember how his body was left limp hanging from the Wyoming fence post in a strange resemblance to Jesus Christ dying on the Cross. I tried to imagine a person filled with so much hate that the simple act of another person being openly gay was such a threat that they'd inflict this type of torture upon him. While church leaders model the resilience & humility of the human spirit, they must also offer solutions to the intolerable faith based position of intolerance posited by many church leaders & GOP politicians.
I could feel the stifling oppression of living in a small town in the deep South by your moving account of your cousin, Mr. Blow. How deeply painful for him, having to keep his spirit hidden from a repressive & bigoted community, except for the sanctuary of the upholstery shop. His only crime was being born gay & Black in a place in time where this was strictly verboten. Similar to Anne Frank's story as she survived the Gestapo by hiding, Larry was forced to conceal his true self from the ignorance of bigotry. When Matthew Shepherd was brutally murdered, I remember how his body was left limp hanging from the Wyoming fence post in a strange resemblance to Jesus Christ dying on the Cross. I tried to imagine a person filled with so much hate that the simple act of another person being openly gay was such a threat that they'd inflict this type of torture upon him. While church leaders model the resilience & humility of the human spirit, they must also offer solutions to the intolerable faith based position of intolerance posited by many church leaders & GOP politicians.
8
"---racism and homophobia are born of the same beast.." And often motivated by religious animus.
14
I too, wish he had lived to see Friday. We may not understand it or want to admit it, but that bell is always tolling for all of us.
2
This is a lovely tribute. I too felt strange celebrating the success of marriage equality on the same day victims of racist hatred were being buried.
But just one thing -- just as the gay world doesn't necessarily accept black people, the black world doesn't necessarily accept gay people either.
We ALL have work to do to eradicate the prejudice within ourselves.
But just one thing -- just as the gay world doesn't necessarily accept black people, the black world doesn't necessarily accept gay people either.
We ALL have work to do to eradicate the prejudice within ourselves.
12
Here is the beauty of diversity:
There is no one single gay world and there is no one single black world.
That frees up each of us to find our own path.
There is no one single gay world and there is no one single black world.
That frees up each of us to find our own path.
1
An eloquent and poignant homage. Here is to your cousin, Larry, Charles. Thank you for celebrating his life in this column. Larry mattered, and so does his memory.
5
Extraordinary, Mr. Blow. It touches the heart.
1
His memory lives on as we need to be constantly reminded of the terror that he and thousand of others endured by gratuitious violence visited on them. They were innocent, trusting, and met a horrible end. "Good people" need to be reminded of their responsibility to do everything that one can do to eradicate intentional cruelty among those whose twisted minds and evil hearts will continue to do violence through words and deeds.
2
Based on anecdotal evidence (and from a straight person's perspective), Baldwin's assertion that "(t)he gay world as such is no more prepared to accept black people than anywhere else in society" seems to me to have it backward. From what I've seen, black culture has been particularly slow to accept gay people, lagging behind the rest of society.
11
Your beautiful column reminds us that racism and homophobia are serious, life threatening sicknesses in our society. The rancor of the dissenters on the Supreme Court is evidence of how difficult it is for some, education makes no difference in this, to let go of their myopic worldviews to see the precious humanity in every person.
The carnage in lives taken and psychological damage caused by this sickness is monumental.
The carnage in lives taken and psychological damage caused by this sickness is monumental.
7
The gay population has been most prominent in two social movements. The right to effective medications for AIDS, which is associated with casual sex. And the right to state-sanctioned monogamy, which represents the polar opposite of casual sex. It seems that gay activists are much more concerned with the yin and the yang of their personal relationships than they are with protecting folks like Larry.
1
A great article by Mr. Blow, celebrating a watershed moment in civil rights. One other thing, though. If, years back, you wanted to keep Larry's identity confidential, maybe "Lawrence" is not the best pseudonym.
1
Sorry for your loss those years ago. Larry deserved a life and love. I'm thrilled for my LGBT brothers and sisters, but reading that black churches are being burned in the south fills me with sadness. Racism is alive and well in Maine where I live. I fear I will not live to see Dr King's dream come true.
5
Charles, your story of Larry reminds me so poignantly of Sam, a young black man in the small SC town in which I grew up in the 1950s and -60s. I always feared for him. He was too visible and too outgoing not to attract attention from some of the fearfully racist and homophobic white men I knew. I knew him, because he befriended and defended my brother, a terribly troubled and lost young white man. His caring and his courage were remarkable, but so dangerous to him. I hope he made it through and out of that time and place and is able to grieve and rejoice over the events of the last two weeks that would be so monumental to him.
10
Thanks for pulling back the curtain and shedding the light of day on our particularly evil ways of meting out justice on those who threaten, intimidate or insult us in the South. The recent Charleston killings is just one of many acts of terror our culture has spawned.
2
Charles, I'd read your book and this episode was wearily familiar to me--a double whammy of hate against skin and persuasion. Your cousin is a reminder of how much went before, yet how much remains given the immediacy of the Charleston murders, for skin, and the legalization of marriage for persuasion despite what remains to be done.
This morning I attended Mass, where the spiritual theme covered past (Peter) and future (Paul). "Super Friday," as I call it in a momentous week, did the same for all those made to suffer for accidents of birth. Church murders as a sick remnant of the past, marriage legalization as a chip away at the foundations of bigotry.
I hope we can look back next year nd see progress on all fronts so weeks like this never have to occur again.
This morning I attended Mass, where the spiritual theme covered past (Peter) and future (Paul). "Super Friday," as I call it in a momentous week, did the same for all those made to suffer for accidents of birth. Church murders as a sick remnant of the past, marriage legalization as a chip away at the foundations of bigotry.
I hope we can look back next year nd see progress on all fronts so weeks like this never have to occur again.
7
"To my knowledge, no one was ever charged with the murder". This knowledge has not been clarified as a journalist or as a family member? It seems pretty important.
4
A recent series of events may give the National Rifle Association pause and think whether the GOP may be tarnishing their Brand. The GOP has always carried the NRA's water but as Boehner et. al., seemingly relentless in their pursuit of relic status on social issues, the NRA may well attempt to cut them loose in an effort to gain a position in the mainstream. Good luck. I say let all the rats sink in the same ship.
2
If you want to understand how acceptance takes root, turn your attention to the Charleston Emanuel AME church. After a devastating attack by a deranged millennial, the church (many with victims in their immediate families) prayed for Dylan Roof and forgave him.
On Friday, June 26, NPR brought Roxane Gay on to Morning Edition; and she said "she would never forgive Dylan Roof". Now set aside the small fact that she is not the aggrieved party, think about the rage and anger this writer has expressed and contrast that with the grace and serenity of the real victims.
This, Charles, is how acceptance grows in the human heart. Blacks have been following the bankrupt anger and retribution of Malcolm X and Jesse Jackson for decades. Look, instead, at the powerful witness of the parish of Emanuel AME. I know you sneer at Christians and small-minded belief. Those who have lost substantially more than you or I have much to teach the world.
Acceptance does not follow from a gavel. As much as I hate discrimination and hatred, I believe this ruling will do little for gays outside the legal arena. And the behavior in Charleston, Roxane called it "falling in line behind White people", or something to that effect, is why Blacks are stuck in "park". The rioters around the country would do well to think about that fact.
On Friday, June 26, NPR brought Roxane Gay on to Morning Edition; and she said "she would never forgive Dylan Roof". Now set aside the small fact that she is not the aggrieved party, think about the rage and anger this writer has expressed and contrast that with the grace and serenity of the real victims.
This, Charles, is how acceptance grows in the human heart. Blacks have been following the bankrupt anger and retribution of Malcolm X and Jesse Jackson for decades. Look, instead, at the powerful witness of the parish of Emanuel AME. I know you sneer at Christians and small-minded belief. Those who have lost substantially more than you or I have much to teach the world.
Acceptance does not follow from a gavel. As much as I hate discrimination and hatred, I believe this ruling will do little for gays outside the legal arena. And the behavior in Charleston, Roxane called it "falling in line behind White people", or something to that effect, is why Blacks are stuck in "park". The rioters around the country would do well to think about that fact.
2
Being a history major in college I am familiar with America's long and sad history of racism. Mr. Blow's articles keep this sad history in front of us, which is where it needs to be. Sadly, our political class, including a majority on the Supreme Court, believe that we have moved beyond Jim Crow, Internment, Native-American genocide --- but these events in history, not to mention our imperialistic ventures abroad, just do not vanish. There scars are still too deep and too raw to just move on. We need to keep confronting our history in order to move beyond our history. Last week, for me, was really the first time, I saw a nation really confronting that history with some admission that we address past wrongs. I feel, however, that we will quickly fall back to our default end of history slumber.
4
A beautiful eulogy at an important time - thank you for sharing, Charles.
2
Beautiful, sad, wonderful column. Thanks.
'In the book I called him Lawrence, but that was not his name. One of my mother’s only requests was that I change everyone’s names. She was expressly worried about publishing “Lawrence’s” name. I acquiesced.'
Perhaps that's part of the reason Shephard's gruesome murder became headline news and your cousin's didn't. Sometimes, in the name of justice, we have to ignore what our mother (or father) wants. To change the world requires courage.
Perhaps that's part of the reason Shephard's gruesome murder became headline news and your cousin's didn't. Sometimes, in the name of justice, we have to ignore what our mother (or father) wants. To change the world requires courage.
3
The phrase "black lives matter" is not difficult to understand on a superficial level, but it really came home to me recently when attending a conference sponsored by Catholic University and the AFL-CIO.
There was much discussion regarding the theme of "solidarity" with one another and the obligation that comes with that solidarity. Rich Trumka, president of the AFL-CIO, brought clarity with his comment on the tragedy in Ferguson, MO: "Our union brother (the police officer that killed the young black man was a member of a union) killed the son of our union sister (the mother was also a member of a union)."
We are all members of the same human family, regardless of whether we want to admit to that fact; and, figuratively speaking, we are all "in the same boat," although as G.K. Chesterton reminded us, "We are all seasick." Nevertheless, there is hope if we can come to embrace the idea that "all lives matter," that we are all in solidarity with one another regardless of color or sexual identity or religion or social status or any other distinctions people make to highlight our differences.
Have to believe that we will either come to flourish as a community (a goal and ideal that Pope Francis has been advancing forcefully), people in solidarity with one another, or we will surely perish in the unrecognized solidarity we have with one another.
There was much discussion regarding the theme of "solidarity" with one another and the obligation that comes with that solidarity. Rich Trumka, president of the AFL-CIO, brought clarity with his comment on the tragedy in Ferguson, MO: "Our union brother (the police officer that killed the young black man was a member of a union) killed the son of our union sister (the mother was also a member of a union)."
We are all members of the same human family, regardless of whether we want to admit to that fact; and, figuratively speaking, we are all "in the same boat," although as G.K. Chesterton reminded us, "We are all seasick." Nevertheless, there is hope if we can come to embrace the idea that "all lives matter," that we are all in solidarity with one another regardless of color or sexual identity or religion or social status or any other distinctions people make to highlight our differences.
Have to believe that we will either come to flourish as a community (a goal and ideal that Pope Francis has been advancing forcefully), people in solidarity with one another, or we will surely perish in the unrecognized solidarity we have with one another.
4
It is awful and a serious crime that your cousin was murdered. However nothing in your story proves he was killed for his race OR his sexual orientation.
Is it really "more politically correct" today to assume people are gay? isn't it just as bad as the old innuendos and stereotypes? So your cousin never married or dated. Does that make him gay? Maybe he was socially awkward. Maybe he was androgynous. Maybe he was shy around women. If he did not say he was gay, you have no right to "out him" years after his death.
Also, your mom asked you not to use his name -- to protect his privacy and that of his family -- and you do it anyways.
BTW: Matthew Shephard was tragically killed in a robbery, by two disgusting murderers who IMHO deserved the death penalty. But his death had nothing to do with his sexual orientation. His death has been exploited to promote to gay agenda, which is truly sad -- for him and for his family.
Is it really "more politically correct" today to assume people are gay? isn't it just as bad as the old innuendos and stereotypes? So your cousin never married or dated. Does that make him gay? Maybe he was socially awkward. Maybe he was androgynous. Maybe he was shy around women. If he did not say he was gay, you have no right to "out him" years after his death.
Also, your mom asked you not to use his name -- to protect his privacy and that of his family -- and you do it anyways.
BTW: Matthew Shephard was tragically killed in a robbery, by two disgusting murderers who IMHO deserved the death penalty. But his death had nothing to do with his sexual orientation. His death has been exploited to promote to gay agenda, which is truly sad -- for him and for his family.
4
And the Civil War was not fought over slavery, and President Obama is a gay Kenyan Muslim who has never shown his "real" birth certificate. And the Stonewall raid was a blow against the Mafia and had nothing to do with its being a gay bar.
Got it.
Got it.
2
Thanks for explaining how people stay so clueless. First, Mr. Blow knew Larry, not you, and he was Mr. Blow's family, so I think of the two of you, he gets to say. Secondly, Mr. Blow makes it pretty clear in the article that Lawrence is a pseudonym, so he is not outing him. This of course invalidates your silly admonition. Third, Matthew Shepard was the victim of a robbery? And his family agrees with this? Interesting, because even the defendants didn't.
I used to want to live on your planet, but changed my mind since there is no light or sense there.
I used to want to live on your planet, but changed my mind since there is no light or sense there.
1
Concerned Citizen? concerned about what? Gee, maybe he wasn't murdered because of his sexuality? and Maybe he wasn't gay after all? The point, not that I suspect you aren't trying to miss it, is that if people perceive someone as gay that's all it may take for homophobes to act out violently against that person. If I needed proof of that I got plenty as a straight man living for many years in a part of NYC thought of as a gay neighborhood. Second, the assumption that such a person was murdered for his (assumed) sexuality is likely what caused there to be apparently so little interest by the police in investigating. But your claim that Shepard was singled out for a particularly, deliberately brutal, anger-driven murder by people who merely wanted to rob a person shows you don't want to believe homophobia is dangerous, thus the rationalizations. IMHO.
3
Larry. I wanted to say his name. I want to acknowledge Larry's life and death -- Larry matters. I offer my sincere condolences for your loss, Charles Blow. Larry.
3
Odd, how the massacre by an ultra-conservative terrorist of a group of Christians, practicing their faith in a place of worship in South Carolina, sparks so much less anguish by white ultra-conservative ministers than their ire at the government instituted by the American people issuing marriage licenses to its citizens
13
How did you conclude this?
Mr. Blow, thank you for speaking out so eloquently about the disgraceful discrimination non-whites face in America. It is an unspeakable shame we share because we haven't stopped it. I, too, wish Larry and all the other people who were bullied, murdered, committed suicide and simply led part-lives because of fear had lived to see Friday. I am immensely pleased that I lived to see it, as well as my children and grandchildren. It's the dawn of a sea change of civility and democracy for all in America. Thanks to President Obama for leading us and to the good people of America who are making it happen. Let's keep up the Good Work!
5
The manner of Larry's death brought to my mind all the women, black and white, who die across the country in similar ways. Some are sex workers, but not all, far from it.
Add up the women, and various minorities discriminated against, and the "different" discriminated against, and it becomes the large majority.
We have a harsh nation. Our nation treats the vast majority very harshly. Only a privileged few are protected. Even now, they are trying to take away medical care, take away retirement safety, take away any hope of job security. It is growing more harsh, to everyone.
I'm very glad for this ruling on gay marriage, but it is the exception to the harsh reality of our country today. It is against the trend, and even it won by only the narrowest majority of 5-4 with a screaming political threat to it trying to build.
What we have made of our country these last decades is shameful.
Add up the women, and various minorities discriminated against, and the "different" discriminated against, and it becomes the large majority.
We have a harsh nation. Our nation treats the vast majority very harshly. Only a privileged few are protected. Even now, they are trying to take away medical care, take away retirement safety, take away any hope of job security. It is growing more harsh, to everyone.
I'm very glad for this ruling on gay marriage, but it is the exception to the harsh reality of our country today. It is against the trend, and even it won by only the narrowest majority of 5-4 with a screaming political threat to it trying to build.
What we have made of our country these last decades is shameful.
50
Mark Thomasen, I agree with you except WE are the ones with the power to change America with OUR votes and citizen action. WE are seeing it today. Please look beyond the past and the hopelessness that has left so many of us feeling powerless and join the grass roots movement to restore democracy in America.
Amen!
Feudal lords have always known they can keep the peasants in line by promising them protection against the "enemy" from the other side of the river (or tracks).
Those who wish to become the feudal lords of America today, have been playing this game since Nixon's southern strategy, which Reagan played in spades.
I wonder if we will wake up before we become the Fascist States of America?
Feudal lords have always known they can keep the peasants in line by promising them protection against the "enemy" from the other side of the river (or tracks).
Those who wish to become the feudal lords of America today, have been playing this game since Nixon's southern strategy, which Reagan played in spades.
I wonder if we will wake up before we become the Fascist States of America?
1
A wonderful and auspicious moment and yet we, as a society, still have a ways to go. Four of our Supreme Court justices were not speaking only for themselves in their aggrieved dissent from the decision rendered by a narrow majority. A number of GOP presidential candidates weren't speaking only for themselves either when they talked about a constitutional amendment to prevent the decision from being implemented. Ignorance and hatred persist and these recent decisions may, at least in some quarters, serve only to inflame the situation.
18
Thanks for making the political personal, Charles. Larry deserved better, but many millions of Gay Americans now have more legal rights than they did before. The shame is that when some avail themselves of marriage they will be denied employment. We need a lot of laws changed, not just marriage.
86
One of the poignant features of progress in human relations is that the change always comes too late to benefit some people. But I sense that, for you, Mr. Blow, there is some consolation in the courage with which your cousin defied those who sought to marginalize him, to expel him from the community. A similar tribute is due those black soldiers who returned from WWI (and even WWII), proud of the achievements bought by their courage, only to face the rage of a lynch mob, and to hang for the capital offense of wearing an army uniform while black. Their bravery and their stubborn refusal to to permit white bigots to define their position in society, nevertheless, helped to fuel the civil rights movement. The demise of Jim Crow serves as a fitting monument for these men who, by their example, became the shock troops in the war against racism. Your cousin, in his own way, played a similar role, even if it took decades for that to become clear.
73
Your cousin Larry shines through your beautiful tribute to him, Charles. Thank you. And perhaps somewhere, somehow, a sweet ghost in the Louisiana hamlet where you both grew up, Larry knows about Friday. How strange and wonderful that the Charleston Massacre is changing some sick ethos in the United States. And how splendid that the Supreme Court has held up LGBT rights, and the Affordable Care Act. Now if only women's rights over there own bodies were upheld by the SCOTUS, and if only voters' rights in all the gerrymandered states are upheld for our forthcoming Presidential Election 17 months from now, there would be hope instead of fear rising in America.
138
Yes. Women, the one group which not a minority is still being discriminated against. If nothing, while minorities are making progress, we are going backwards.
Really beautiful writing!
I wish Larry had lived to experience Friday, June 26, 2015. It was QUITE A DAY!
I wish Larry had lived to experience Friday, June 26, 2015. It was QUITE A DAY!
26
Charles, I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin and that he did not live to see this great step forward. To be both a black man and a gay man....not an easy life trip. And a very tough way to die in America. Of course, he would have seen the deaths in Charleston during the same week that gay rights was established. America lurches forward, but there is progress toward true equality for all.
26
“The origins of homophobia…?” Something that grew stepwise, maybe. Sexuality and gender have been viewed in recent times as binary, XX or XY, and nothing more that is normal. It wasn’t always viewed like that. The “normal” was accepted as forming more of a spectrum. (With a double peak, like Grand Tetons?) Ancient Greeks celebrated homosexuality.
Power and economics put blinders on humanity. We were all farmers at some time and needed sons to help in the fields, and we needed daughters to produce more sons. Local chieftains needed more men to guard the folds at night, and in turn, feudal lords needed more arms to throw spears and swing swords. Gays did not do much to increase and multiply. They shirked their duty!! They were mocked, then demonized by church and state. Cousin Larry was just one of the victims of such manipulated stupidity, and no less tragic for being one of many.
The tragedies haven’t ended. As Ian McKellan said Sunday, it’s easy to pass laws, but it is hard to change prejudice.
Power and economics put blinders on humanity. We were all farmers at some time and needed sons to help in the fields, and we needed daughters to produce more sons. Local chieftains needed more men to guard the folds at night, and in turn, feudal lords needed more arms to throw spears and swing swords. Gays did not do much to increase and multiply. They shirked their duty!! They were mocked, then demonized by church and state. Cousin Larry was just one of the victims of such manipulated stupidity, and no less tragic for being one of many.
The tragedies haven’t ended. As Ian McKellan said Sunday, it’s easy to pass laws, but it is hard to change prejudice.
26
Do you really think women and girls didn't work in the fields also?
Larry Duplechan, a black gay man who wrote the novel Blackbird 30 years ago, recently said:
“The center of the black community is the black church, and that changes everything. So coming out in the black community is like trying to come out as an Orthodox Jew. You’ll lose your family. You’ll lose your culture. You’ll lose your community, because usually, you are ejected. Even now, that’s true.”
“Homophobia did not exist on the African continent before colonialism. There were over 500 words for same-sex behavior across five different regions of Africa, like ‘boy wife’ or ‘woman warrior’” says Faith Cheltenham, a black bisexual woman.
“After colonialism came a system of systemic surveillance and oppression. It wasn’t just that people were being burned or killed for being gay, it was that community leadership was told by colonialist suppressors... that anybody who participated in this same-sex behavior was evil, dirty, and that they needed to be eradicated. That did not come from African culture.”
“So African-American people, taken and brought to America, go through 400 or so years of slavery and then 150 years of Jim Crow. What do you end up with? You end up with a group of people who are very unaware of their history (and acceptance) of homosexualities.”
Even today, white, antigay religious leaders take their homophobic crusades to African countries like Uganda to stoke hatred and pass anti-gay laws.
Christian homophobia and racism combining to form toxic homophobic gas.
“The center of the black community is the black church, and that changes everything. So coming out in the black community is like trying to come out as an Orthodox Jew. You’ll lose your family. You’ll lose your culture. You’ll lose your community, because usually, you are ejected. Even now, that’s true.”
“Homophobia did not exist on the African continent before colonialism. There were over 500 words for same-sex behavior across five different regions of Africa, like ‘boy wife’ or ‘woman warrior’” says Faith Cheltenham, a black bisexual woman.
“After colonialism came a system of systemic surveillance and oppression. It wasn’t just that people were being burned or killed for being gay, it was that community leadership was told by colonialist suppressors... that anybody who participated in this same-sex behavior was evil, dirty, and that they needed to be eradicated. That did not come from African culture.”
“So African-American people, taken and brought to America, go through 400 or so years of slavery and then 150 years of Jim Crow. What do you end up with? You end up with a group of people who are very unaware of their history (and acceptance) of homosexualities.”
Even today, white, antigay religious leaders take their homophobic crusades to African countries like Uganda to stoke hatred and pass anti-gay laws.
Christian homophobia and racism combining to form toxic homophobic gas.
294
Thanks for the Duplechan quote. And just to make things more insane, the American missionaries in Africa convince people that homosexuality is an imported western decadence...
2
Are you arguing that the homophobia of the black community as an expression of their religious beliefs is ALL the fault of the colonial white man?
I hope not.
Why? Because to buy that argument, one has to assume that the black slave in America was a brainless sheep that could, and would, be led to believe anything that their white masters told them to believe.
Sorry. Even though the black African was forced to live at the beck-and-call and the whims of their white masters, they were far from the unintelligent, easily befuddled people that surmise that they were.
Socrates would be appalled at the reasoning that you are trying to apply...
...And any self-respecting straw man would be embarrassed by any alleged association with this sort of argument.
I hope not.
Why? Because to buy that argument, one has to assume that the black slave in America was a brainless sheep that could, and would, be led to believe anything that their white masters told them to believe.
Sorry. Even though the black African was forced to live at the beck-and-call and the whims of their white masters, they were far from the unintelligent, easily befuddled people that surmise that they were.
Socrates would be appalled at the reasoning that you are trying to apply...
...And any self-respecting straw man would be embarrassed by any alleged association with this sort of argument.
Really, and your proof of this can be found where?
Fantastic and poignant piece, Charles. I am a better person for reading it.
29
“The gay world as such is no more prepared to accept black people than anywhere else in society.” Is the black world prepared to accept gay people? The most homophobic couple I know is black.
47
So one couple you know represents all black people? What about the author of this column?
Casual racism at work, again.
Casual racism at work, again.
7
Relax. That homophobic black couple doesn't represent all black people. I find it interesting that not much is said about the role black transwomen have played in the marriage equality movement. Black people, no matter where they are in society, rarely get their due.
1
The answer to your question is obviously no. But I don't think your citing one couple proves anything.
The person Mr. Blow was quoting, James Baldwin, being both black and gay, was a better person to answer your question than I. And in the history of the black community throughout the 20th century there have been a number of prominent gay artists, musicians, writers, and politicians. Mr. Baldwin, Langston Hughes, Lorraine Hansberry, Bayard Rustin, Billy Strayhorn, Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith, Barbara Jordan, and numerous others were all relatively open about their sexuality at a time when that was unheard of in the white community.
So while the community in general (especially the church) may not always have been accepting, there's been a pretty strong 'live and let live' attitude.
The person Mr. Blow was quoting, James Baldwin, being both black and gay, was a better person to answer your question than I. And in the history of the black community throughout the 20th century there have been a number of prominent gay artists, musicians, writers, and politicians. Mr. Baldwin, Langston Hughes, Lorraine Hansberry, Bayard Rustin, Billy Strayhorn, Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith, Barbara Jordan, and numerous others were all relatively open about their sexuality at a time when that was unheard of in the white community.
So while the community in general (especially the church) may not always have been accepting, there's been a pretty strong 'live and let live' attitude.
1
Thank you for writing this and reminding us that everyone has a name and deserves respect, acknowledgement, and to live with dignity. Such a view can and should be applied on the personal, regional, national and international stage.
7
I wish that Larry had lived to see Friday and hundreds of other Fridays.
However, the best path for gays and Blacks and gay Blacks and people who are "different" is not simply through a Supreme Court ruling, if "acceptance" is the goal. Many of the celebrants on Friday said that "Now I matter". In a legal sense, that is now true and just. But people accept each other. Laws don't do that. And that is what gays also sought. Acceptance. And people come to that level of acceptance through relationship and a conversion of the heart, not a decision in a courtroom. The recent Black riots serve as evidence of that fact. Asians were not rioting those days.
Had the United States not become so enmeshed in marriage through health care and the tax code, gays would be climbing a different hill. Marriage would not be a list of privileges and government benefits but a commitment between two people. Religiously taken, before God and family and friends. In a civil "ceremony", it is a legal act. Either way, "words" and "vows" have proven fungible even when taken in a church by professed believers.
I accept gays, but I also know that the SCOTUS ruling does not secure the acceptance that is part of the craving of gay men and women who want people to tell them they are "okay". You might feel it should be punishable by law to not accept a gay. But the list of "criminality" is getting ever longer. Not a good trend for prison rolls.
I would have preferred real acceptance.
However, the best path for gays and Blacks and gay Blacks and people who are "different" is not simply through a Supreme Court ruling, if "acceptance" is the goal. Many of the celebrants on Friday said that "Now I matter". In a legal sense, that is now true and just. But people accept each other. Laws don't do that. And that is what gays also sought. Acceptance. And people come to that level of acceptance through relationship and a conversion of the heart, not a decision in a courtroom. The recent Black riots serve as evidence of that fact. Asians were not rioting those days.
Had the United States not become so enmeshed in marriage through health care and the tax code, gays would be climbing a different hill. Marriage would not be a list of privileges and government benefits but a commitment between two people. Religiously taken, before God and family and friends. In a civil "ceremony", it is a legal act. Either way, "words" and "vows" have proven fungible even when taken in a church by professed believers.
I accept gays, but I also know that the SCOTUS ruling does not secure the acceptance that is part of the craving of gay men and women who want people to tell them they are "okay". You might feel it should be punishable by law to not accept a gay. But the list of "criminality" is getting ever longer. Not a good trend for prison rolls.
I would have preferred real acceptance.
2
You seem to be placing the onus on gays and black people. The responsibility for any lack of acceptance rests on those who reject their fellow human beings because of the color of their skin or their sexual orientation. It is true that a change in the law cannot immediately alter attitudes, but no one should have to wait to enjoy his rights until the majority condescends to admit that he deserves them. To paraphrase an old comment, we don't have a black (or gay) problem in this country; we have a problem of white (or straight) prejudice.
2
@James Lee
Yes, the "blame the victim" charge.
There are some who will never change. I place Roxanne Gay, Malcolm X, and others in the category with many small-minded Whites. It is their burden in life. Few Blacks approach MLK, and that is why we go back 50 years to find a real leader from the Black community. I see none today.
I was making a very specific point, and perhaps you would do well to reread the post. What I said is that legal rights will be extended, and that is just. For those gays, however, that seek "worth" or "acceptance" from other human beings, the law will not effect that change. Contact, relationship, and engagement, alone, bring about that healing of the heart.
The parish of Emanuel AME is a far better example for changing hearts than a Black riot. Emanuel AME is not "forgiving" Dylan Roof because they are compliant, downtrodden Blacks. They forgive their perpretrator because they respond to a serenity as believing Christians that most Blacks scoff at and ridicule without understanding.
If we choose to throw hatred back and forth across our divisions, this will go on forever. The Whites stoke the anger. The Blacks stoke it back. American Liberals simply believe the Black retribution is justified and shrug and say "See, the Whites are getting what they deserve."
Maybe the Whites and straights deserve a lot worse. So you tell me what that would look like. And you tell me whether that will heal the anger.
Personally, I doubt it.
Yes, the "blame the victim" charge.
There are some who will never change. I place Roxanne Gay, Malcolm X, and others in the category with many small-minded Whites. It is their burden in life. Few Blacks approach MLK, and that is why we go back 50 years to find a real leader from the Black community. I see none today.
I was making a very specific point, and perhaps you would do well to reread the post. What I said is that legal rights will be extended, and that is just. For those gays, however, that seek "worth" or "acceptance" from other human beings, the law will not effect that change. Contact, relationship, and engagement, alone, bring about that healing of the heart.
The parish of Emanuel AME is a far better example for changing hearts than a Black riot. Emanuel AME is not "forgiving" Dylan Roof because they are compliant, downtrodden Blacks. They forgive their perpretrator because they respond to a serenity as believing Christians that most Blacks scoff at and ridicule without understanding.
If we choose to throw hatred back and forth across our divisions, this will go on forever. The Whites stoke the anger. The Blacks stoke it back. American Liberals simply believe the Black retribution is justified and shrug and say "See, the Whites are getting what they deserve."
Maybe the Whites and straights deserve a lot worse. So you tell me what that would look like. And you tell me whether that will heal the anger.
Personally, I doubt it.
1
This is a lovely tribute to your cousin. I too miss loved ones who didn't live to see this day. One of my friends died 20 years ago, and my brother took his life 2 years ago. Like you, I wish my brother and my friend had lived to see this day.
71
Beautiful.
18
Condolences. As someone who is trying to be part of the solution in our current opportunity on race relations - with LBG friends and a strong interest in building ACA - I wonder if our current jubilation can be compartmentalized so as to maintain the focus and drive needed to keep moving forward on race.
i am white and wear a "Black Lives Matter" lapel pin every day. Yesterday I felt exhausted and almost scrooge-like as I put it on. Saturday I forgot to wear it altogether. Your words will help me get my energy back.
i am white and wear a "Black Lives Matter" lapel pin every day. Yesterday I felt exhausted and almost scrooge-like as I put it on. Saturday I forgot to wear it altogether. Your words will help me get my energy back.
9
One can show respect for victims of homophobia, and victims of murder, without instrumentalizing the latter to make political points about the former.
Hate crimes such as the one described here deserve special attention. But, they are not an appropriate basis for conflating fundamentally different societal challenges just because those different challenges do happen to coincide in some cases.
Heterosexuals are also victims of murders, and sometimes of hate crimes.
Decrying homophobia need not be an occasion for ignoring the need for improved law enforcement, better training of police forces and better relations of them with their communities, more sensible gun control laws instead of NRA mayhem, etc.
It is conceivable that had gay rights been adopted a half century ago, the author's cousin might have escaped paying with his life in a society grossly intolerant of such rights. But we cannot undo the past, only learn from it, and work harder to do something about the scourge of violence that is claiming lives of gay people, black people, poor people, and white middle class first graders in suburban Connecticut.
Hate crimes such as the one described here deserve special attention. But, they are not an appropriate basis for conflating fundamentally different societal challenges just because those different challenges do happen to coincide in some cases.
Heterosexuals are also victims of murders, and sometimes of hate crimes.
Decrying homophobia need not be an occasion for ignoring the need for improved law enforcement, better training of police forces and better relations of them with their communities, more sensible gun control laws instead of NRA mayhem, etc.
It is conceivable that had gay rights been adopted a half century ago, the author's cousin might have escaped paying with his life in a society grossly intolerant of such rights. But we cannot undo the past, only learn from it, and work harder to do something about the scourge of violence that is claiming lives of gay people, black people, poor people, and white middle class first graders in suburban Connecticut.
2
We have only Mr. Blow's inventiveness that his cousin's death was a hate crime. And while he offers not evidence that it wasn't, he avoids offering any evidence that it was.
Is this a well-argued opinion? Not really.
Is this a well-argued opinion? Not really.
I wish that also!
2
[[“Five years after Lawrence was tied to the bed and killed, Matthew Shepard, a young, white, openly gay man, was tied to a fence and killed in a small Wyoming city. While Lawrence’s death hardly made the local papers, Matthew’s provoked an international outcry. That discrepancy would haunt me.”]]
[[He was found murdered — tied to a bed — in a neighboring town. The gossip was that his life had been taken because of the way he had lived it. To my knowledge, no one was ever charged with that murder. Such were the dangers of being both black and different.]]
If you couldn't publish his name and were ashamed of his sexuality, I imagine no one went to the police to offer assistance or tips. Why lean on the crutch of race if you haven't done everything in your power to raise awareness about your cousin and his murder?
You end with "I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish."
Stop wishing for justice and start working for justice.
[[He was found murdered — tied to a bed — in a neighboring town. The gossip was that his life had been taken because of the way he had lived it. To my knowledge, no one was ever charged with that murder. Such were the dangers of being both black and different.]]
If you couldn't publish his name and were ashamed of his sexuality, I imagine no one went to the police to offer assistance or tips. Why lean on the crutch of race if you haven't done everything in your power to raise awareness about your cousin and his murder?
You end with "I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish."
Stop wishing for justice and start working for justice.
13
I think Mr. Blow's writings are his way of fighting for justice. Perhaps the pen is mightier than the sword?
If you read this article you will see that Mr. Blow changed his cousin's name at the request of his mother
1
Let's not forget that this president only seemed to find his voice on lgbt matters after his vice, thankfully, outed him.
3
Everyone's journey is different.
2
Jeff, whatever are you saying? He seems to have found his voice on more issues than one, health care and Black lives, other issues. Yes, LGBT issues have been important to him also, but what is the inference in your post, I wonder?
1
My take is that the prez always was unequivocally "for" LGBT rights, in his own mind. But first he had to get elected and re-elected; he also had to time it so as to not alienate his "fence sitting" constituents. IMO, it was a legimitate and honorable white lie; another politically acute strategy by our great president. A case where the ends did justify the means.
moving, precious....keep on writing
16
Thank you for writing about your cousin and giving his life the dignity it deserved. HIs is probably much more than norm than many Americans are ready to admit at this point in history.
You captured my feelings pretty well. Someone like your brother passing away namelessly, faceless to many. This is occurring more and more with people in the U.S. for differing reasons. We don't have the social ties of our parents generation and it is catching up with us. For a man both black and gay, social ties may be simply denied him at the beginning.
With the gay community, even before the marriage ruling, we are now being acknowledged as whole individuals. I am old enough to have known older gay men (white) who retired or disappeared in old age with the stigma of having led their lives as outcasts, even if they had maybe held good jobs, etc.
In years past their were no eulogizes for guys like your cousin, because of the invisibility. It has not changed as much as many had hoped, I don't know why. I do know the outpouring of hate during the Reagan 80's toward gays, blacks, anyone different. Hopefully Ferguson and the marriage ruling will be among events communities can regroup behind.
Deeply sorry about your cousin, his story and everyone like his needs to be told.
You captured my feelings pretty well. Someone like your brother passing away namelessly, faceless to many. This is occurring more and more with people in the U.S. for differing reasons. We don't have the social ties of our parents generation and it is catching up with us. For a man both black and gay, social ties may be simply denied him at the beginning.
With the gay community, even before the marriage ruling, we are now being acknowledged as whole individuals. I am old enough to have known older gay men (white) who retired or disappeared in old age with the stigma of having led their lives as outcasts, even if they had maybe held good jobs, etc.
In years past their were no eulogizes for guys like your cousin, because of the invisibility. It has not changed as much as many had hoped, I don't know why. I do know the outpouring of hate during the Reagan 80's toward gays, blacks, anyone different. Hopefully Ferguson and the marriage ruling will be among events communities can regroup behind.
Deeply sorry about your cousin, his story and everyone like his needs to be told.
22
His anonymity gives his name all the more power, because he could have been anyone.
29
Almost everyone deserves a worthy eulogy, although I’m not sure that most would agree to extend that sentiment to a Richard Matt (the escaped NY inmate and murderer recently shot and killed by a NY State trooper). Most SHOULD definitely extend it to Larry; and this one indeed was a worthy one.
But our past is replete with occasions of outrage and hostility practiced against ANYONE “different”, whether that difference took the form of complexion, sexual identity … or even personal conviction. All of those who have suffered a violent and early death cry out for worthy eulogies, and very few will ever get them – at least any so widely read.
Despite Larry’s pain and the outrageousness of the circumstances surrounding his death, the memory of him compelled by THIS worthy eulogy will always set him apart.
But our past is replete with occasions of outrage and hostility practiced against ANYONE “different”, whether that difference took the form of complexion, sexual identity … or even personal conviction. All of those who have suffered a violent and early death cry out for worthy eulogies, and very few will ever get them – at least any so widely read.
Despite Larry’s pain and the outrageousness of the circumstances surrounding his death, the memory of him compelled by THIS worthy eulogy will always set him apart.
17
Thank you for a brave and thoughtful column, Mr. Blow. My two gay uncles were born in the 1920s, served in WWII, and within the family and general society at least, lived under "don't ask, don't tell" policy all their lives. I wish that they too, could have known the joy of living their lives openly; and I wish I could have known them more fully, as they were.
Here's to your cousin, and to the hope that lives can be freer; that relationships can be more honest; and that some of the fears, at least, are gone.
Here's to your cousin, and to the hope that lives can be freer; that relationships can be more honest; and that some of the fears, at least, are gone.
62
The country needs to recognize that all people are created equal and should be treated as equals, with no second class citizens.
13
LET FREEDOM RING! Let us hope that, in some way, the acceptance of LGBT rights and the right for same-sex marriage in the US will serve as a fitting tribute to those who lived, suffered, died and were sometimes tortured and murdered. Just for being. Just for existing. Just for being different. What makes us great as a nation is that we can all have a chance to be inside the tent. We are all free to join in the ringing endorsement of the Declaration of Independence, of our right to pursue Life, Liberty, and Happiness. So let our newly-proclaimed freedom serve as a tribute to those who were marginalized because of whom they were ethnically and whom they loved.
7
Thank you for sharing the story of this brave young man.
While the recent supreme court rulings are heartening, is important that we not get complacent. Especially at the voting booth. It's not over. I wish people saw their various struggles as connected. We need a more fundamental change than identity politics can provide. Let's start with economic justice and stop nibbling around the edges.
While the recent supreme court rulings are heartening, is important that we not get complacent. Especially at the voting booth. It's not over. I wish people saw their various struggles as connected. We need a more fundamental change than identity politics can provide. Let's start with economic justice and stop nibbling around the edges.
13
Most important to Larry, who does not seem to have been the marrying kind, would have been statistics indicating that hate crimes against the LGBT community are on the rise, that such crimes are more violent than ever and that a disproportionate share of such crimes are directed at black victims. I suspect Larry would tell you that gays from small Louisiana hamlets seldom marry. Gay marriage is for college-educated folks with household incomes averaging $115,000. Larry would likely have spent Friday ducking the goons who would have taken out their anger over gay marriage by beating up Larry rather than congratulating him on his new right.
9
Mr Blow,
While I do not support gay marriage I am not one of those people who writes blogs or articles condemning it. I do appreciate the struggle for equality and the right to be who you are. So many people think that we as Christians hate gays. I can only speak for myself and say if that commitment and relationship brings about unspeakable joy and happiness then as the Beatles ...Let it be." I don't feel I have to prove this to anyone and do butt heads with some of my Christian friends. But if we expect people to respect our right to practice our faith we can't then turn around and start passing judgment. That's not my job. Some Christians in a mild panic say "well I have gay friends" as if that's a milestone few achieve. Well I do and the issue of sexuality should not be an issue. We're more than stigma's or titles. We're people who should respect others and work on our attitudes and accepting them in the same way they can accept who I am without recrimination.
What saddens me is the vitriol by both sides. I cringe when broad based statements are made because it lumps me in with people whose ideals do not reflect my values.
What you shared is not easy and takes a lot of courage and I give you props for that. I don't know if the term "time heals all wounds" but I hope that is the case.
Do I agree? Absolutely not. Bu this is not the manner in which it should be discussed. It should be done face where people not just hear, but listen
While I do not support gay marriage I am not one of those people who writes blogs or articles condemning it. I do appreciate the struggle for equality and the right to be who you are. So many people think that we as Christians hate gays. I can only speak for myself and say if that commitment and relationship brings about unspeakable joy and happiness then as the Beatles ...Let it be." I don't feel I have to prove this to anyone and do butt heads with some of my Christian friends. But if we expect people to respect our right to practice our faith we can't then turn around and start passing judgment. That's not my job. Some Christians in a mild panic say "well I have gay friends" as if that's a milestone few achieve. Well I do and the issue of sexuality should not be an issue. We're more than stigma's or titles. We're people who should respect others and work on our attitudes and accepting them in the same way they can accept who I am without recrimination.
What saddens me is the vitriol by both sides. I cringe when broad based statements are made because it lumps me in with people whose ideals do not reflect my values.
What you shared is not easy and takes a lot of courage and I give you props for that. I don't know if the term "time heals all wounds" but I hope that is the case.
Do I agree? Absolutely not. Bu this is not the manner in which it should be discussed. It should be done face where people not just hear, but listen
5
HBG, I appreciate hearing that you are willing to butt heads with some of your Christian friends on this issue, as most of us wish for people to live peacefully, and with content and equality, and not have to endure the stress of constant judgment and fear. Many of these people who judge loudly cite Bible scripture as their defense for their hatred. It's important they get feedback from within the religion, because feedback from people outside the religion is simply dismissed, or worse, labeled as "persecution." Objecting to hatred that will lead to vile acts (from sneering remarks all the way to holocausts) is not persecution, just as hatred isn't spiritual. Please check out the organization, Faithful America. This group is standing up for a Christianity that supports loving kindness and acceptance.
2
At the heart of the hatred and bigotry is the effort to deny
gays and blacks their humanity. After Friday, the battle will
shift to efforts to deny humanity and decency in the name of
"religious freedom." It's the same old bigotry dressed up
in religious robes. Word
gays and blacks their humanity. After Friday, the battle will
shift to efforts to deny humanity and decency in the name of
"religious freedom." It's the same old bigotry dressed up
in religious robes. Word
57
Most people relate to superficial aspects of other people, judging those aspects and then either accepting or rejecting the person on account of them. Rejection for being black or gay is often done with huge harshness and extremeness, and we do it in our society as a recognizable pattern, so it needs to be specially called out. But it does come out of a general problem, I think, and that is a problem I happen to be concerned about, how we do this ego-jousting with one another instead of relating to each other's core. I've been told, "Diana, most people aren't even aware that they have a core," and that's probably true. But to me that's the project, to help people relate to each other in a different way more generally.
I am sorry for your loss, I am glad for the gains manifested on Friday.
I am sorry for your loss, I am glad for the gains manifested on Friday.
56
Hopefully, after this momentous week, when the confederate flag came down and the rainbow flag went up, more of our lives will be acknowledged as fully human.
All the awful -isms - racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia..you name it... they all boil down to the same lack of respect for the humanity of another human being.
The loved ones of the countless Larrys, whose cousins do not have columns in the NYT, and whose deaths also went unremarked upon, can take some small comfort for your effort here to bring attention and to his life and his death.
He lived. He died. Because of your tribute, he will not be forgotten.
All the awful -isms - racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia..you name it... they all boil down to the same lack of respect for the humanity of another human being.
The loved ones of the countless Larrys, whose cousins do not have columns in the NYT, and whose deaths also went unremarked upon, can take some small comfort for your effort here to bring attention and to his life and his death.
He lived. He died. Because of your tribute, he will not be forgotten.
214
The notion that this was a momentous week is greatly exaggerated. Ending state endorsement of the confederate flag is a victory for political correctness. That's all. Gay marriage is of substantially more importance. But it is a privilege that is mostly exercised by the well off and educated. Discrimination against gays in housing and employment and addressing hate crimes against gays are bread and butter issues that are considerably more important to the 99% of gays. If you want to be "fully human" the flag you are flying is nothing but a symbol. It won't get you there.
1
What a beautiful, belated, eulogy for Larry, Charles!
The LGBT movement is no different from the feminist movement in that, while they originated (at least feminism did) in the Black community, in both cases, white, middle and upper class members of both those groups benefited the most from them.
In an interview last month, Gloria Steinem stated that feminism was invented by Black women. Yet, Black women have benefited the least from all of the achievements of the movement.
The same is true of the LGBT movement. Gay people of color have benefited the least in comparison with their white counterparts. Violence against transgenders is all too common. The murders of transgender women of color are at an alarming rate nationwide. While we've just seen Caitlin Jenner go through her transition, Janet Mock and Laverne Cox have been advocating for transgender women of color for a long time.
The LGBT and feminist movement intersect in many ways. They should be working in tandem to correct social and economic inequities that are inherent with the duality of being a person of color who happens to be LGBTQ or woman.
But the neoliberalism that is so much a problem in our politics pervades all aspects of our lives, including the fight for equality. It would be nice to see the LGBTQ and feminist communities joining forces to achieve the next set of goals together, with both making the effort to fight for people of color within their groups. I am not holding my breath. Not yet.
The LGBT movement is no different from the feminist movement in that, while they originated (at least feminism did) in the Black community, in both cases, white, middle and upper class members of both those groups benefited the most from them.
In an interview last month, Gloria Steinem stated that feminism was invented by Black women. Yet, Black women have benefited the least from all of the achievements of the movement.
The same is true of the LGBT movement. Gay people of color have benefited the least in comparison with their white counterparts. Violence against transgenders is all too common. The murders of transgender women of color are at an alarming rate nationwide. While we've just seen Caitlin Jenner go through her transition, Janet Mock and Laverne Cox have been advocating for transgender women of color for a long time.
The LGBT and feminist movement intersect in many ways. They should be working in tandem to correct social and economic inequities that are inherent with the duality of being a person of color who happens to be LGBTQ or woman.
But the neoliberalism that is so much a problem in our politics pervades all aspects of our lives, including the fight for equality. It would be nice to see the LGBTQ and feminist communities joining forces to achieve the next set of goals together, with both making the effort to fight for people of color within their groups. I am not holding my breath. Not yet.
78
Charles appeared on the Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell last year. Here are two videos of his appearance:
http://www.rimaregas.com/2014/10/video-charlesmblow-on-thelastword-with-...
Charles also appeared on AC360 with Anderson Cooper:
http://www.rimaregas.com/2014/09/video-charlesmblow-you-can-have-a-life-...
My latest blog post: The Goodness of the Black heart: forgiveness
http://www.rimaregas.com/2015/06/the-goodness-of-the-black-heart-whitesu...
http://www.rimaregas.com/2014/10/video-charlesmblow-on-thelastword-with-...
Charles also appeared on AC360 with Anderson Cooper:
http://www.rimaregas.com/2014/09/video-charlesmblow-you-can-have-a-life-...
My latest blog post: The Goodness of the Black heart: forgiveness
http://www.rimaregas.com/2015/06/the-goodness-of-the-black-heart-whitesu...
13
I mentioned Gloria Steinem in my main comment. Here is a link to the piece on her interview:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/23/gloria-steinem-black-women-inve...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/23/gloria-steinem-black-women-inve...
7