I'm trying to type this as my 3 year-old is rambling endlessly in the background and is yet again taking me through Frozen. Trade for beer money? ah. no. :)
11
It's great having children. It's great not having children. Parents are selfish. Childless adults are selfish. Kids are selfish. Dogs and cats are selfish. In other words, I'm so tired of these kinds of articles. Have kids, or don't. Either way, you have the rest of your life to live with your decision.
34
There is nothing wrong or selfish in deciding to not have children. But I think those who do so are trading one benefit and sacrificing others, a sacrifice which they should consider. Of course when you do not have children, your income is all yours to use as you want: cars, trips, expensive clothing, homes, boats and all the other things. The great problems surface when you arrive in old age and have no one who cares about you, or who can help you in emergencies: life can be very lonely, and, if you have to care for a spouse, excruciatingly painful and demanding. With a family, on the other hand, with old age comes a camaraderie with your children and grandchildren, and help and caring is always there. It is simply a trade-off which is faced early in life, but the results are never experienced until later in life. We chose the children route and have no regrets at all.......
13
I'm about to turn 40. No kids, and I don't want any. It's not a philosophical discussion for me. There's nothing selfish or political about it - I just don't want them, and I never have. When people ask why I don't have kids, not only is it none of their business, but I just say I don't want them. They either tell me how I'm missing out on one of the greatest joys of life, or ask who will take care of me in my old age. If you think children to add some missing meaning to your life, or because you think they'll take care of you when you're old or sick, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't have any because I don't want them - as small children or as adult children. I don't feel like I need to provide any further explanation, either. Parenthood isn't for everyone.
62
I remember the awkward silence 3 decades ago on NPR when an aged gay survivor of Nazi death camps was ask about the impact of gay interment on their survivors. Dead air, and then "Oh, of course, I'm sorry, er, moving on..." I laughed hard, but then thought about my gay friends never having kids (adoption was not common then). How sad, I said to myself, being a kid addict. How very sad. Then I had kids. It's a job, just like my marriage. Love 'em all, but hey, I no longer feel sorry for my gay friends who didn't adopt.
11
I have seen single women and couples who have made the decision for not having children - and there was always a story behind it, tragic ones, simple ones, even funny ones - and they were THEIR stories. The thing that has interested me most in my life as a young woman in the late 60s was that I NEEDED desperately to genuinely and truthfully examine my very own take on motherhood and feel that it is a decision, MINE, not a duty to be a mother or not. To me, that was the essence of the sixties and of being a new generation of women who even dared to imagine a life without motherhood. To escape the cruel and sexist manipulation of society - to grab that choice and run with it was liberating for many of us. Whether it lead to choices some might have regretted later or not.
We own our stories and only we can make the decision as to which of the many might lead to a happy ending. Being a good mother is a talent like many others. It's like the difference between an office drone and an artist - the product differs in quality. I personally don't like to deliver boring and mediocre work.
We own our stories and only we can make the decision as to which of the many might lead to a happy ending. Being a good mother is a talent like many others. It's like the difference between an office drone and an artist - the product differs in quality. I personally don't like to deliver boring and mediocre work.
8
Childless people will never know what they're missing, but the reverse is not true, because couples are increasingly waiting until their mid to late thirties to have children and often live together as long as a decade without children before choosing to have them. So trust me, we know and we remember our childless days. If they were so great, we would have kept them going. But we realized something was missing...and most of us are much happier and fulfilled since having our children than we were before we had them. The same goes for people who swore they hated kids and then got accidentally pregnant and kept the baby. They can't believe how wrong they were and how deeply they love their child. It's wonderful to see.
11
So many things are absurd about the idea that child-free people are self-absorbed.
It's the parents who are blatantly self-absorbed. Never mind how other people feel, my kid comes first! MY kid gets to ruin your evening out, shriek and run amuck, ruin your movie, the black-tie wedding, the funeral of your dad... I get to take up more space, resources, make noise, dominate the restaurant, and leave work early. But oh, you see, I am such a selfless person; look, every shred of time and energy goes to Snowflake.
My spouse and I have time and energy to devote to others including those who are in need, not those whom we created and must be in service to. We have jobs that we love, and have time and energy to spend at things like women's shelters; to actively choose things that are easier on the environment rather than shuffling our kids around in SUVs and buying stuff, contributing to conformity and consumerism; to talk about real-world problems and stay connected to humankind rather than retreating into the private sphere where the only humans who truly count are those who bear our genes.
There is also the fulfillment of staying current on books, film, art, theater, and travel, and of conversations that are intellectually challenging. But that's not self-absorption. It is the need and desire to remain absorbed in the outside world — the one that contains humans not related to us. Of course some parents are like that too, but in my experience, they're the exception.
It's the parents who are blatantly self-absorbed. Never mind how other people feel, my kid comes first! MY kid gets to ruin your evening out, shriek and run amuck, ruin your movie, the black-tie wedding, the funeral of your dad... I get to take up more space, resources, make noise, dominate the restaurant, and leave work early. But oh, you see, I am such a selfless person; look, every shred of time and energy goes to Snowflake.
My spouse and I have time and energy to devote to others including those who are in need, not those whom we created and must be in service to. We have jobs that we love, and have time and energy to spend at things like women's shelters; to actively choose things that are easier on the environment rather than shuffling our kids around in SUVs and buying stuff, contributing to conformity and consumerism; to talk about real-world problems and stay connected to humankind rather than retreating into the private sphere where the only humans who truly count are those who bear our genes.
There is also the fulfillment of staying current on books, film, art, theater, and travel, and of conversations that are intellectually challenging. But that's not self-absorption. It is the need and desire to remain absorbed in the outside world — the one that contains humans not related to us. Of course some parents are like that too, but in my experience, they're the exception.
49
As a psychotherapist specializing in fertility, I often talk with couples who are uncertain about whether to have children. My advice is this: If you do not have an overwhelming visceral need to be a parent, if you are not obsessed with that desire, then do not do it.
It is difficult enough to make the adjustments necessary to raise a child - financial, emotional, relationship and time - when one is absolutely certain in their decision. And being certain does not necessarily mean "rationally" certain because if we were to base the decision on rationality, there would be far fewer children. We cannot even begin to know in advance the chaos, the commotion, the complete upheaval of everything one has done and known until that point, that occur when we have children. The very idea of becoming parents is illogical in the extreme. The only reason to have children is if you feel you must. I felt that need, and hard as it was, I could not be happier having had my 2 children. But all that they have added to my life was totally unpredictable prior to their births.
It is difficult enough to make the adjustments necessary to raise a child - financial, emotional, relationship and time - when one is absolutely certain in their decision. And being certain does not necessarily mean "rationally" certain because if we were to base the decision on rationality, there would be far fewer children. We cannot even begin to know in advance the chaos, the commotion, the complete upheaval of everything one has done and known until that point, that occur when we have children. The very idea of becoming parents is illogical in the extreme. The only reason to have children is if you feel you must. I felt that need, and hard as it was, I could not be happier having had my 2 children. But all that they have added to my life was totally unpredictable prior to their births.
22
I am someone that did not want to have children and now in my fifties, it is a decision that I have never regretted. I don't feel the need to give reasons and I feel sorry that so many people making the same decision are pressured into providing justifications.
34
So the most morally responsible, open minded and educated people chose not to have children. This could actually be a very bad thing...
25
I would just like to see a little more financial equality for those without children, especially people who are unmarried. Aside from things like cheaper family memberships for museums, the performing arts, etc., I would like to see people who pay just as much into Social Security and Medicare as married people with equal incomes get equal benefits, which is not the case now. A person with no spouse and no children will be pretty much taking care of himself/herself in old age. But the fact that until then he/she is making SS and Medicare contributions that subsidize married people's spouses and children's benefits certainly isn't making the saving for retirement task any easier.
21
Not mentioned is the fact that many people *think* they don't want kids and then wake up one day in their late thirties and early forties and realize that wait, yes they do. I have several friends in this category. One of them realized she wanted kids after her identical twin sister gave birth, because genetically speaking it was like seeing her own child. But several of my friends have been unable to have kids despite advanced fertility treatment, because it was already too late by the time they changed their minds.
3
Not surprising as selfish as the millenial and current generation are. However, not new for those of us working in Europe in the 80s and 90s. They too stopped getting married and stopped having kids. Stopped going to church and seeing their parents. Guess they decided it was too hard; not enough fun. Sad. But there are many that have not adopted this thinking -the poor, uneducated, and fervently religous. Yikes, we are in trouble.
8
Ugh. If Americans got their ideas about life from life and not stupid tv shows and "popular" culture, perhaps their views on this subject wouldn't sound so inane.
20
I find it annoying how mothers are told that they made a "choice" and that they must endure the full consequences of that choice....regardless of how exhausting, expensive or overwhelming child rearing may be. Meanwhile, men who love men and are never saddled with children are protected from ridicule because "Well they had no choice, it was in their biology. Being gay is in yourr DNA". That's ok, I understand, but you can't have it both ways.
Women having babies is biology as well. It is not a choice, it is an innate desire, a biological urge, it's DNA. Respect us for our destiny and our sacrifices, and we will respect yours.
Women having babies is biology as well. It is not a choice, it is an innate desire, a biological urge, it's DNA. Respect us for our destiny and our sacrifices, and we will respect yours.
7
to the liberal childless by choice crowd I will only say that I respect your decision and I suggest you move to higher ground while you still can. you are soon to be a small minority in a new world of intolerance and religion.
5
There are lots of logical reasons to not have children, and very few logical reasons to have them. The fact is, until the last 30 years or so, having children was the default setting, because there were so few reliable ways to prevent pregnancy (never mind the cultural stigma of contraception or abortion.) When you don't have a choice, you deal with reality as best you can. When you do have choices, all of a sudden you have to explain the choices you make, to yourself and to others.
Except why do we have to explain them? Because relatives or friends feel it's their business? Because we feel the need to justify ourselves to others so we feel better about our decisions? Because we want to rub it in people's faces? Why does it matter?
This particular column focuses on a very narrow population segment and their rebellion against upper-middle class hyperparenting. My problem with the emphasis here is that all these people are *against* having children. They're not *for* an independent life. The difference is subtle, but it's there. If the only reason you make a decision like this is because you're reacting against something, then I worry about their regrets down the road once they realize that being contrary for contrariness' sake is a bad motivation.
Except why do we have to explain them? Because relatives or friends feel it's their business? Because we feel the need to justify ourselves to others so we feel better about our decisions? Because we want to rub it in people's faces? Why does it matter?
This particular column focuses on a very narrow population segment and their rebellion against upper-middle class hyperparenting. My problem with the emphasis here is that all these people are *against* having children. They're not *for* an independent life. The difference is subtle, but it's there. If the only reason you make a decision like this is because you're reacting against something, then I worry about their regrets down the road once they realize that being contrary for contrariness' sake is a bad motivation.
14
One thing that the article does not dwell upon is the following: parents have the freedom to either follow all the hype about over-parenting or NOT. It is NOT necessary to get sucked into all the status symbols of parenting that the article would make you think are inescapable. In fact, they are perfectly escapable!!! While raising our two boys, we did NOT over-schedule them with useless lessons, they did a ton of free play with friends, often at our house, which was always full of kids, they did a ton of free playing, sports, and activities outdoors, and they are now perfectly adjusted and happy teenagers, one already accepted in the colleges of his choice, the younger one a ski champion. All this stuff about over-scheduling these poor kids and over-parenting is ridiculous! Parents can choose NOT to follow this path. They are thinking people, after all, so I do not see why they should cave in to the perceived need to conform to the hype!
13
It's OK to have children. It's OK not to have children. I think what matters is making it a considered, conscious choice, either way. I'm 53 and childless, and have never regretted that fact for an instant. I never liked children, not really even when I was one. I don't find babies or toddlers in the least cute. I just don't have the "mommy gene". It would have been daft and irresponsible for me to have kids.
I don't think it was a selfish choice. I will say, though, that not having kids enables me to be significantly more self-indulgent than my friends with children, and in that sense to not "grow up" as much.
I don't think it was a selfish choice. I will say, though, that not having kids enables me to be significantly more self-indulgent than my friends with children, and in that sense to not "grow up" as much.
19
I have one child who has been the light of my life. He was planned and welcomed. My husband and I made enormous sacrifices for him and it was not easy, having to chose constantly between my parental responsibilities and my responsibilities to my co-workers. Though I have absolutely no regrets, my work is in the field of child wellbeing and I see everyday the effects of individuals who have children with little or no thought to the consequences. It is not pretty, for either the parent(s) or their offspring. Children are not wardrobe embellishments. It is not about expensive receiving blankets or sky high maternity clothes. It is also not about money, although money helps. The wealthy can raise neglected children, just like the poor. Whatever one ultimately choses, it is certainly not a decision to be made lightly.
11
in a society where pregnant women face a prison sentence if something goes wrong, and mothers face systemic obstructions to actually doing the WORK of raising kids, starting with breastfeeding, and the right not to pump - what sane women would have any kids?
16
The problem, I think, is that many American parents are making too big a deal of raising children, treating it as a competitive sport, or as a unique enterprise that had never been attempted before anywhere. Children are not in fact the most important element of a family. The most important is the quality of the marriage itself, because a solid marriage is the foundation of the family. The more attention is paid to children, the more the marriage is negatively affected. And guess who will suffer more if it crumbles? If they can afford it - and most "helicopter" parents could - couples should get a nanny to help with their children, someone who would free them to focus on their careers and spend more time alone together to solidify the foundation.
17
I thought that too. I had no real interest in becoming a Mother. I didn't find being around young children engaging or cute, but, thankfully more than 30 years ago, I became pregnant, hormones kicked it, I had her 9 months later and everything she did was engaging and cute. I have never for even a millisecond had any second thoughts or doubts. I think those who are choosing not to have children may not understand. When you have a child, you are changed. It's not like you stay as you are, just with another, small person.
11
Thank you Fashion and Style section for having the courage to discuss how people's decision to have children (or not) impacts their self-identity as consumers.
2
Touchy issue. The point that stands out to me though: this article is filed under style. Are children an accessory on park slope? Unless you're exceedingly wealthy, you're probably in for trouble. Even then, I'd question your motives.
Perhaps we need would-be parents to babysit for two years... on-call 24/7, on top of a full-time job, without pay. Only some Darwinian impulse or social pressure can make that seem right. Assuming you even had a choice.
For the rest of you, enjoy that ski vacation to Jackson Hole. You're doing alright when have the freedom to weigh the costs of parenthood and make a conscious decision.
Perhaps we need would-be parents to babysit for two years... on-call 24/7, on top of a full-time job, without pay. Only some Darwinian impulse or social pressure can make that seem right. Assuming you even had a choice.
For the rest of you, enjoy that ski vacation to Jackson Hole. You're doing alright when have the freedom to weigh the costs of parenthood and make a conscious decision.
6
Just an FYI for all single guys who are on bad dates. Just mention that you are not interested in having children and your evening will be soon free to enjoy.
4
While I agree with everything stated in this article, it misses a larger point. The article focuses on the decision of an individual to become a parent, rather than on the decision to bring another life into the world. The decision to have children should be about having children (and eventually adults), not about becoming parents. Life is, among other things, hard, complicated, messy, and expensive. Yet rarely do you hear about whether prospective parents take these costs into account, or similarly, the immense, unavoidable burdens of life that will be imposed on the children not yet born; instead, the conversation invariably centers around the prospective parents' desire to fulfill their own familial ambitions. Consistent with this conversation, one rarely hears prospective parents discuss their desire to "have teenagers" or "raise a family;" it is about "having kids (or babies)." There may well be great rewards to starting a family, but a change in the nature of the conversation about, and expectation over, whether to start a family is sorely needed.
8
The title of this book makes no sense. There is nothing more selfish than duplicating oneself, creating a mini-me, intentionally worsening the impact of humans on the planet.
Evolution has shaped mating and child rearing to be pleasurable. Breast feeding and other child rearing activities stimulate "feel good" centers in humans. As Judy below notes, her children offer her a way to learn more about herself. This givers her pleasure. Human pleasure-seeking is very effective at driving our species to grow population. However, human pleasure is not a good reason to continue crowding out diversity of life on Earth.
Earth's perpetual problems - pollution, war, religious hatred, murder, disease - are made much worse by population growth. We see the horrible effects of unwanted, poor, dis-engaged youth every day in news reports about terrorist recruiting.
The most selfless people I know are those who have volunteered to help the (unrelated) elderly, adopt/directly support unwanted children, volunteer for organizations that support a disease that does not affect them personally. These are the truly unselfish people.
Evolution has shaped mating and child rearing to be pleasurable. Breast feeding and other child rearing activities stimulate "feel good" centers in humans. As Judy below notes, her children offer her a way to learn more about herself. This givers her pleasure. Human pleasure-seeking is very effective at driving our species to grow population. However, human pleasure is not a good reason to continue crowding out diversity of life on Earth.
Earth's perpetual problems - pollution, war, religious hatred, murder, disease - are made much worse by population growth. We see the horrible effects of unwanted, poor, dis-engaged youth every day in news reports about terrorist recruiting.
The most selfless people I know are those who have volunteered to help the (unrelated) elderly, adopt/directly support unwanted children, volunteer for organizations that support a disease that does not affect them personally. These are the truly unselfish people.
14
A bad article in too many ways to count, but one in particular that is, I suspect, deliberately insidious on the part of the author. That is the citation of a study from Santa Clara University that "found that 'parents' happiness increases over time relative to non-parents." The author uses this to claim that the "long-held opinion that having children is the key to a fulfilling life may, indeed, be true for most people..." But that is a complete distortion of the study's findings and most of the studies that exist on the subject. In fact, the Santa Clara study does not say that parents are happier than non-parents. To the contrary, it says they are unhappier, and that the preponderance of research on the subject agrees on that. Rather, what they assert is that parents become happier over time, while non-parents don't. As the other study cited points out, parents actually go through a rather complicated journey in terms of happiness. Almost all parents are happy in anticipation of having a child. And they are happy when the children are young. But their happiness returns to pre-birth levels as the children grow. What's found in the Santa Clara study is that as parents reach older age, they are shielded from some of the unhappiness associated with that stage of life by their (now adult) children.
But the suggestion from the article's author that these studies conclude that parents are happier than non-parents is simply wrong.
But the suggestion from the article's author that these studies conclude that parents are happier than non-parents is simply wrong.
13
It may be that a lot of people consciously choose not to have kids, but how many then devote all of their free time, conversation, and Facebook entries to their anthropomorphised pets? Nothing bothers me more than the self-aggrendizing childless couple who spends the entire dinner talking about their Bichon or rescue cat.
15
I am at an age where I should have teenage grandchildren. My friends talk about their grandchildren with great fondness and seem to think of me as someone who is left out and missing the experience. I don't feel that way at all. I'm glad I don't have grandchildren. I don't miss not having them. There is great unhappiness in many families today because children just offer parents complicated problems from childhood to their marriages and beyond. Plus I have lost hope in this country's future. When I was raised my parents worked hard so their children would have a better life. How many can hope for that today?
22
Ugh. Can't we all just get along? Have kids if you want; not if you don't want.
Childless/childfree here in my 40's; no regrets. I would probably have had children had I met the right man: someone I could count on, who wanted to be a father, and who didn't regard a family as a burden (as my own father did) or expect me to do everything (work and earn, cook, clean, take on more than 50% of the child-rearing) just because I'm the one with the uterus. Such men did exist, and I think more of them exist today, but I did not encounter one myself. What I did not want was to be a single mother, divorced or otherwise.
May every child be a wanted child. That would be good for everybody.
Childless/childfree here in my 40's; no regrets. I would probably have had children had I met the right man: someone I could count on, who wanted to be a father, and who didn't regard a family as a burden (as my own father did) or expect me to do everything (work and earn, cook, clean, take on more than 50% of the child-rearing) just because I'm the one with the uterus. Such men did exist, and I think more of them exist today, but I did not encounter one myself. What I did not want was to be a single mother, divorced or otherwise.
May every child be a wanted child. That would be good for everybody.
30
When you have kids, it's much harder to step away from jobs that are well-paying but in some way soulless or exploitative. Many people know their professional choices lack basic integrity but want to ensure their children can still live in nice homes, attend the best schools, be enriched and protected, etc. Of course that's understandable -- once you have kids, their well-being becomes the central focus. However, what about taking care of the life that's already here? Radical action on behalf of the voiceless/powerless, the world's treasures is a lot more tenable with low overhead and a child-free life. Completely the opposite of selfish if you ask me.
13
Very thoughtful Rebecca, thank you.
2
I've never understood why people think you need to explain why you don't want to have kids. You don't have to explain why you want to have them.
21
Sometimes I think childless couples/individuals are viewed as selfish because maybe, in some cases, those passing judgment are a bit envious of the freedom they may have missed out on.
I've seen some arguments here about "legacy"; why would someone assume that a childless couple/individual have not left a legacy? They may have impacted countless lives without bringing forth offspring. Whose place is it to make such a judgment?
I've seen some arguments here about "legacy"; why would someone assume that a childless couple/individual have not left a legacy? They may have impacted countless lives without bringing forth offspring. Whose place is it to make such a judgment?
31
I have two children whom I had very young. I love them dearly but I can easily imagine my life had I remained childless and it would have been basically the same life. Not in terms of the time and money I spent - I could have saved a significant amount of both. Not in terms of my emotional attachments -as I said, I love my kids dearly. But the core of who I am has nothing to do with being a parent. I have my career, I have my thoughts, my experiences, my adventures, my successes and my failures. I am not the mother of - I am myself. And yet my grown sons are dutiful and loving- far more so than the children of many a woman who defines herself exclusively in terms of her maternal role. I think the main mistake many parents make is the belief that having children gives meaning to your life. It does not - either you find a meaning in yourself or not at all. Once this is understood, having children becomes optional. If you have a supportive family and lots of money, go for it - it's nice. If not - you can have a perfectly happy life with no offspring.
28
No kids for me either, thanks. I have a stepson; good enough. The world has far too many kids, most of whose parents have no idea how they will, or how to, take care of them.
11
In a world growing toxic from too many people, the goal of many individuals and religions to go forth and multiply is perverse. Apparently we haven't quite yet gotten comfortable with the idea that sex can be just for pleasure. It is time we started celebrating people who build fulfilling lives without procreating.
27
@andrewkelm:
however peverse it may be, their children will make up the future populace. knowledge isn't power.
TL
however peverse it may be, their children will make up the future populace. knowledge isn't power.
TL
Ah, the old “Should we have kids” question. Again. I had kids late. As in being mistaken for my youngest's grandmother (which mortified her and delighted me). The good thing about having kids when you are older is that you HAD a life prior to kids. And you remember it. When you’re young, well, think back 10- years and you were what? Excited about the Prom? The bad thing is that you are older. Physically, it can be hard. Mentally? Let’s say that when my husband was Department Chair and had to run herd, he said it was a piece of cake. Our girls had prepared him for the hissy fits, grandstanding, and malingering as well as so much more.
My husband and I like to joke to our girls that our Golden Years are now set. That's after they all grow up and fly our nest. We will spend 2 months with each child during the year, then give everyone a break for 2 months. The kids are appalled.
Now, with the Economy, Healthcare costs, etc, our considering moving in with our kids doesn't seem such a joke.
My husband and I like to joke to our girls that our Golden Years are now set. That's after they all grow up and fly our nest. We will spend 2 months with each child during the year, then give everyone a break for 2 months. The kids are appalled.
Now, with the Economy, Healthcare costs, etc, our considering moving in with our kids doesn't seem such a joke.
6
Yesterday, I watched the under-4 crowd had their Easter egg hunt here in town. The parents were brutal, simply grabbing every egg they could find and shoving it in their kids' baskets. Some sense of satisfaction will come when later on facebook they can post the haul their kids got.
It seems to me that in the past, parents shared their concern for the"world" (the envorinment, poverty) with their children as part of they upbringing. It now seems that partners are so focused on the perceived immediate needs of their offspring, that they are now blind to the greater needs of the world and certainly are not in a mental position to share this with them.
It seems to me that in the past, parents shared their concern for the"world" (the envorinment, poverty) with their children as part of they upbringing. It now seems that partners are so focused on the perceived immediate needs of their offspring, that they are now blind to the greater needs of the world and certainly are not in a mental position to share this with them.
35
On occasion my wife and I get jealous of our family and friends who have kids. We see the happiness and the fun their children bring them. However those feelings don't last long when each of us remembers how badly our parents struggled to raise us. My father was emotionally abusive and eventually my mother got rid of him becuse of it. My wife's mother committed suicide when she was six. Neither one of us had a sound foundation to raise a child of our own. Not to mention I was never given a choice if I wanted to be here in the first place. I struggle as an adult because of my childhood. I did not nor do I now at 45 trust myself that I would not do the same things to my child as my father did to me. I am glad people want children but it is the greatest responsibility a human can ever take on. I don't think people realize that their actions, choices, and beliefs will all influence how their children develop. Sometimes it turns out fine but sometimes it does not. If people want to judge me and my wife and call us self-centered or self-absorbed, you have that right. But you did not live my life as a child. So I am comfortable in my decision. I wish those couples well who choose to have children. And to my fellow couples who chose like we did not to have children thank you for realizing that you didn't have to have a child out of some kind of misplaced responsibility to society.
27
Aside from the potential economic consequences (i.e. a shrinking labor force), I couldn't care less if other adults choose not to have kids. I also don't know Geoff Dyer at all, other than what I read in this article. But it's difficult, as a parent, not to see him as an articulate, petulant little man. Sort of like a precocious eight- or ninth-grade boy. And here's where I agree with him: Children shouldn't have children.
8
Having had my tubes tied at the age of 25 in 1977, I have never looked back. The idea of motherhood frightened me; who was I to raise a child or children?
Watching my Mother spend her life beneath the 'thumb' of our father was not going to be me. I would support myself; never to be dependent on anyone. Not knowing what to do with my own life, how was I to guide a child?
My younger sister also had her tubes tied back in the 70's. Both of us felt the same way: why bring children into an over populated world? Why subject them to 'this valley of tears?'
No, I am not selfish, I surrendered my right to Motherhood. I saved my unborn offspring from my own bewilderment.
If more people would accept the fact that they, too are unqualified, the 'people pets' would truly be cherished and loved.
Watching my Mother spend her life beneath the 'thumb' of our father was not going to be me. I would support myself; never to be dependent on anyone. Not knowing what to do with my own life, how was I to guide a child?
My younger sister also had her tubes tied back in the 70's. Both of us felt the same way: why bring children into an over populated world? Why subject them to 'this valley of tears?'
No, I am not selfish, I surrendered my right to Motherhood. I saved my unborn offspring from my own bewilderment.
If more people would accept the fact that they, too are unqualified, the 'people pets' would truly be cherished and loved.
17
If any man out there think this is a leveraging tool to tell your baby obsessed wife or girlfriend-" see!"...let me remind them all that becoming a mother is the most delightful gift of being a woman ~ should not be wrenched from her because the naysayers shout that it may be hardwork .
4
I am childless for old-fashioned reasons - never found a good man who was interested in me, never slept around, and was not in a financial position to have, or adopt, a child by myself. I have a career involving teaching others' children, and many have assumed I'm selfish, not an adult, etc, all the labels that get thrown at a single career woman. Pointing fingers at each other for having different life paths is a waste of time, and can be cruel. Yes, if I get any care in my old age it will be from children raised by others, but they won't do it for free.
30
People who think that their Adult children will care for them when they are elderly are deluded. Save your money and buy a long term care policy
12
Deciding not to have kids because you don't like the behavior of helicopter parents in Park Slope is like deciding not to go to college because you don't like the behavior of frat boys at Arizona State. Nobody is going to show up at your door and force you to sign up for baby yoga. If you don't like organic cotton towels, don't buy one. There are so many great reasons not to have children; it's sad that this article focuses on such shallow and narrow-minded ones.
35
I am 62 and happily childless; always have been. No regrets, though perhaps some wistful curiosity about how a child of mine might have turned out.
I well remember the usual reaction when the subject came up in conversation with other people - "you are lucky," as in lucky that I didn't have them, seeing as how I didn't want any. No, luck had nothing to do with it. I specifically chose to have no children as I believed I would be a terrible parent. I didn't dare rely on luck for that.
One of the more amusing comments I have ever heard regarding parenthood: it seems that parents and childless people each pity the other.
I well remember the usual reaction when the subject came up in conversation with other people - "you are lucky," as in lucky that I didn't have them, seeing as how I didn't want any. No, luck had nothing to do with it. I specifically chose to have no children as I believed I would be a terrible parent. I didn't dare rely on luck for that.
One of the more amusing comments I have ever heard regarding parenthood: it seems that parents and childless people each pity the other.
10
I was raised by a mother of five who made it clear that my being born ruined her life.I have far more respect for individuals who choose not to have children,than for those who choose to have children,who neglect or abuse them.
18
Why have to write a book about deciding not to have children? Well . . . I guess there are bound to be some sales.
Congratulations are due on not having one or more children, then leaving them to others to raise. That rarely works out well.
But no accolades are due. This paper's readers have no illusions on some people's clear unfitness for parenting.
Responsibility requires adult parents to endure more injustices and absurdities than they ever should. Until kids are 12, most kids come 1st. If they are rich and white their first-ness can stretch into the late teens.
Congratulations are due on not having one or more children, then leaving them to others to raise. That rarely works out well.
But no accolades are due. This paper's readers have no illusions on some people's clear unfitness for parenting.
Responsibility requires adult parents to endure more injustices and absurdities than they ever should. Until kids are 12, most kids come 1st. If they are rich and white their first-ness can stretch into the late teens.
1
To all the commenters insulting parents: never forget that in so doing, you are also denigrating your own mother and father.
10
Lots of overpopulation arguments in the comments. Must be a NYC thing. We've got lots of space out west for raising all kinds of things, including kids. Bring some water though.
6
And some high pressure water, at that, for the fracking that is going to leave your land in tatters for your next generation.
4
I love the dichotomy in this article: have children and become a neurotic parent smothered by the relentless mommy-culture of competition and judgement and never sleep again, or be single and avoid certain personal identify-death. There is a third option of course...have children and be a normal person? Maybe you have to not be a New Yorker to experience that though...
8
This younger generation is so shallow they splash.
Vapid too.
Vapid too.
3
C'mon! Us Geezers are those things, too!! Just ask our kids.......
1
It's a shame that anyone who chooses not to have kids feels judged for that decision, but I think these narratives -- that reproducing is a selfish, elitist decision -- tacitly endorse and reinforce harmful neoliberal attitudes. Remember that those of us with kids aren't exactly supported by American society either. Arranging quality childcare, education, and healthcare is insanely challenging, both economically and administratively. And being called narcissistic while your 30+ friends continue living a life oriented around partying and gossiping is, well, at least a little hurtful. Instead of complaining about how hard parenting is, maybe we should be demanding the kind of policies shared by the rest of the developed world that make it so much easier.
12
In my opinion, having children or being childless doesn't matter, what matter is if that was the best option. I personally'd rather have no children but live a happy life than have two and don't give them any attention. Having children or not doesn't reflect anything about you: just because you don't have children doesn't mean you're self-centered or selfish, may be you just have some financial problems or don't like the idea of being a responsive parent. And just because you have a bunch of them and doesn't make you anymore generous or good-nature. As long as it's the best, you can have no children, or a dozen of them, your choice.
4
I'll tell you how it was for me. I never had a moment in which I thought, I need to have a baby. Not as a young bride, not as a public interest lawyer (where maternity leaves were a right, not a privilege), not edging into my mid-forties when it was clear that fertility wasn't going on forever. I had a friend who accused me of hating children when her own were toddlers, based solely on my unwillingness to babysit hers (so she could go out without her toddlers). That was not the case. I liked kids and they liked me. It wasn't even a choice; it was the way I lived my life. I never thought, Will I regret this. I never regretted it; nor rejoiced that I didn't experience the challenges of parenthood. I never gloated. I can say for sure that I did resent that my work life was impacted because of the ferocious battle in the public sector to give parents more flexible work schedules. I wanted that too, but was actually was refused a job share arrangement by a woman supervisor at the Legal Aid Society who felt that people without children should not be allowed to job share when people who had children were allowed to. There would be no controversy over the decision, or in my case non-decision, not to have children if the way we worked was more humane, if people were better able to accept the 'otherness' of others, if religions weren't so judgmental, and if work was seen as a communal activity carried out for the betterment of society and not a necessary evil.
24
The assumption here is that kids are a mother's (perhaps a father's), not the parent's, or even less the extended family's--even less the community's.
True--even in two parent families one is typically primary/dominant/active the other secondary/submissive/passive. (Ask one for permission; if s/he says "ask your mother/farther"--the other is primary.) But at least there is some load sharing. And it's a big load--better shared by parents and two sets of grandparents--and good communities assuming default responsibility.
Long ago (a century or more, depending on the state) polities assumed responsibility for basic child welfare--nutrition, education, basic ethics--aka "manners." These are parental responsibilities, but parents couldn't/can't be trusted to do their job. Thus the earlier school starts, the better.
The naive idea is that a parent's job is loving the kids. The stupid idea is this means saying "I love you"--like a mantra--supposed to make them blossom like sunshine. The job is nutrition, education and ethics--impossible if the parents haven't a clue about any of it.
Another stupid idea is good sex partners will automatically make good parents--even if they are (or she is) 13 years old--hardly educated themselves and probably lacking in a basic element of all ethics--self-evaluation and criticism.
On the other hand--childlessness as egoistic is also naive. Done more or less right--it's like you get a bigger self--living life through more than one body.
True--even in two parent families one is typically primary/dominant/active the other secondary/submissive/passive. (Ask one for permission; if s/he says "ask your mother/farther"--the other is primary.) But at least there is some load sharing. And it's a big load--better shared by parents and two sets of grandparents--and good communities assuming default responsibility.
Long ago (a century or more, depending on the state) polities assumed responsibility for basic child welfare--nutrition, education, basic ethics--aka "manners." These are parental responsibilities, but parents couldn't/can't be trusted to do their job. Thus the earlier school starts, the better.
The naive idea is that a parent's job is loving the kids. The stupid idea is this means saying "I love you"--like a mantra--supposed to make them blossom like sunshine. The job is nutrition, education and ethics--impossible if the parents haven't a clue about any of it.
Another stupid idea is good sex partners will automatically make good parents--even if they are (or she is) 13 years old--hardly educated themselves and probably lacking in a basic element of all ethics--self-evaluation and criticism.
On the other hand--childlessness as egoistic is also naive. Done more or less right--it's like you get a bigger self--living life through more than one body.
1
"Lemons and Lightbulbs" is a children's book about a young couple who choose to remain childless.
Children need different role models; many people are completely unsuited for parenthood.
Children need different role models; many people are completely unsuited for parenthood.
6
I am very old, and I can remember my Mother often saying "I don't know WHY I ever had children!"
2
I wished comments actually reflected what are more diverse group of people felt rather than be moderated to fall into the 'politically correct' mindset. After reading this article, I was expecting to read at least ONE person who had made the decision not to have children - where are they?
Articles like this always end with 'child-free people always regret it' or 'have beer' instead of kids.
Why would you be deemed a horrible person just because you prefer spending money on yourself than on diapers, baby carriages or school tuition? We know it's not for us and actually have made these choices responsibly, too. Yes, 'responsibly': just because we don't have kids doesn't make us irresponsible!
We know having kids will limit our freedom - and we like to be free. We know having kids will not bring us joy - we're very happy people as it it, the result of being free-spirited, perhaps? We know it's costly to have kids - and we'd rather allocate our funds in a way that really maximises our happiness. We know we're not the changing-diapers kind. We know we don't want to spend time with the 'family' crowd - to us, school and nanny problems are shallow and self-absorbed. We also know that kids are ungrateful and will not come visit you when you grow old. Mainly, we know we love our lives the way they are.
If you feel differently, great - have the experience and enjoy it.
Just spare us your judgemental comments about how much we're missing out on 'Life'. Ours is already awesome.
Articles like this always end with 'child-free people always regret it' or 'have beer' instead of kids.
Why would you be deemed a horrible person just because you prefer spending money on yourself than on diapers, baby carriages or school tuition? We know it's not for us and actually have made these choices responsibly, too. Yes, 'responsibly': just because we don't have kids doesn't make us irresponsible!
We know having kids will limit our freedom - and we like to be free. We know having kids will not bring us joy - we're very happy people as it it, the result of being free-spirited, perhaps? We know it's costly to have kids - and we'd rather allocate our funds in a way that really maximises our happiness. We know we're not the changing-diapers kind. We know we don't want to spend time with the 'family' crowd - to us, school and nanny problems are shallow and self-absorbed. We also know that kids are ungrateful and will not come visit you when you grow old. Mainly, we know we love our lives the way they are.
If you feel differently, great - have the experience and enjoy it.
Just spare us your judgemental comments about how much we're missing out on 'Life'. Ours is already awesome.
19
I'm a 56-year-old female who never had the urge to be a mother. I don't regret it. In fact, while my friends' grown children continue to worry their parents, I sleep like a baby.
14
Its clear that those opting out of parenthood haven't outgrown their own childhoods and that sharing and giving to others, is not a priority. Good for them in recognizing their own continuing needs and preference for self. Why be burdened with children when there remains so much more to accomplish for "just me".
For we "parents-by-choice", a life without children (and now, grand children) would be rather barren.
For we "parents-by-choice", a life without children (and now, grand children) would be rather barren.
5
Selfish: Mating to copy oneself.
Selfish: making offspring with the hope that someone will visit you later in life.
Selfless: the childless aunt or uncle who gives, always remembers birthdays, provides educational opportunities for kids they did not procreate.
Selfless: the adoptive parent.
Selfless: the friend, aunt, uncle, cousin.... who steps in to provide refuge for the child who was born to someone who got pregnant on a night out and doesn't really want to raise a child to become an adult
Selfless: The only sibling, not burdened with genetic offspring, to regularly visit grandparents, step in to help aging parents, offer help when health declines.
Selfless: Spending hard-earned money at expensive galas that support underprivileged, sick kids
Selfish: Parents who spend all their money and focus all their attention on activities that support only their own offspring.
Selfless: volunteer with Friends of the Elderly to help elderly with grocery shopping, house repair, medical visits.
Selfish: Making more of your tribe so that you're family is more likely to win the war.
Selfish: making offspring with the hope that someone will visit you later in life.
Selfless: the childless aunt or uncle who gives, always remembers birthdays, provides educational opportunities for kids they did not procreate.
Selfless: the adoptive parent.
Selfless: the friend, aunt, uncle, cousin.... who steps in to provide refuge for the child who was born to someone who got pregnant on a night out and doesn't really want to raise a child to become an adult
Selfless: The only sibling, not burdened with genetic offspring, to regularly visit grandparents, step in to help aging parents, offer help when health declines.
Selfless: Spending hard-earned money at expensive galas that support underprivileged, sick kids
Selfish: Parents who spend all their money and focus all their attention on activities that support only their own offspring.
Selfless: volunteer with Friends of the Elderly to help elderly with grocery shopping, house repair, medical visits.
Selfish: Making more of your tribe so that you're family is more likely to win the war.
7
To me it seems that those who choose NOT to have children are selfless and often more responsible than those who do have children.
12
I don't regret the things I did, but the things I didn't do. It's sad that childless people (by choice) will have to wait until they are old, lonely and forgotten to realize that the only true legacy one leaves behind is their descendants.
2
Maybe you never did anything with your life but reproduce. Some of the people I know who did have kids regret all the things they didn't do and could have done if they hadn't had kids.
11
The best thing Mom ever did for me was to present me with a baby brother when I was 14. By the time I was a few years older, though I loved my brother dearly, I knew there was no way I'd ever have children. It was one of the single best decisions I've ever made, for innumerable reasons. I had a job I loved, I was able to be a very active part of my church family and there were no limits to the time I spent caring for my husband during the last 21 years since his bilateral lung transplant. I chose my kids, many of whom were in Sunday school classes I taught. I am still in contact with many of them and, by gum, I'm now a "granny" several times over! I take a lot of pride and joy in their success and happiness.
People ask me "What will happen to you when you're old?" to which I reply, "I have good friends now; I'll have good friends when I'm old!" Not a single regret.
People ask me "What will happen to you when you're old?" to which I reply, "I have good friends now; I'll have good friends when I'm old!" Not a single regret.
18
I have always known I did not want to be a parent. During my lifetime (I'm 55) I've encountered so many women who have told me they admired my "choice" and wished they realized they had one - not just simple procreate to adhere to the familial or societal pressures. It never occurred to me I didn't have a choice. Never. Maybe that's what being a good parent is - instilling a sense of responsibility for making proactive life choices in order to be an individual.
12
I'm 47 and happily sans kid. The idea that childfree people (I think it's "childfree" if you choose it, "childless" if you didn't) are self-absorbed is so strange. Luckily, none of my friends-with-kids seem to have this view, and none have ever given me a hard time. They support my decision — at least to my face.
But it has always seemed to me that having your own kids and then focusing your life on your own reproduced genes is just about the most self-absorbed thing a person can do. It is the one activity where people can shamelessly declare to the world that they viscerally believe themselves to be superior and more worthy than others. "My kid is the best", which is the unsaid mantra, is awfully close to "my genes are the best." That beaming pride in one's child, which many people find so touching and beautiful, strikes me as blatant conceit and self-absorption that we romanticize as selfless in order to perpetuate the myth of the blissful mother. The blissful mother does exist, but she exists in fits and spurts, and in some homes not at all.
I come from a happy home with parents who love me and each other, so it's not that I did not have a good example or have any reason to resent the classic family structure. It just seems plain to me that parenting is a highly self-centered activity. If you are a person with a desire to raise a kid, why not find one who is already alive and in need of you? Now that is unselfish. The focus on one's own genes is not.
But it has always seemed to me that having your own kids and then focusing your life on your own reproduced genes is just about the most self-absorbed thing a person can do. It is the one activity where people can shamelessly declare to the world that they viscerally believe themselves to be superior and more worthy than others. "My kid is the best", which is the unsaid mantra, is awfully close to "my genes are the best." That beaming pride in one's child, which many people find so touching and beautiful, strikes me as blatant conceit and self-absorption that we romanticize as selfless in order to perpetuate the myth of the blissful mother. The blissful mother does exist, but she exists in fits and spurts, and in some homes not at all.
I come from a happy home with parents who love me and each other, so it's not that I did not have a good example or have any reason to resent the classic family structure. It just seems plain to me that parenting is a highly self-centered activity. If you are a person with a desire to raise a kid, why not find one who is already alive and in need of you? Now that is unselfish. The focus on one's own genes is not.
32
There are people who choose to have a child not because of some need to pass on their gene pool, but to complete each other in the most lasting way possible.
It is also about realizing that life at the end is the most incredible thing the universe and choosing to give the gift of life to another person is the very opposite of selfish.
It is also about realizing that life at the end is the most incredible thing the universe and choosing to give the gift of life to another person is the very opposite of selfish.
1
Great example of the selfish gene (read the book) in action. Having a kid gives me pleasure, "completes me," so it's a good thing.
Saving a life and helping a life is a much nobler thing than copying yourself.
Saving a life and helping a life is a much nobler thing than copying yourself.
6
I seriously can't stand this kind of comment. Do you not understand nature and biology? We are animals. We are life. Life begets life. It astounds me how some of the same people who preach about "natural" this and that and eat only organic and want to save the environment nature have no understanding or respect for HUMAN NATURE.
Reproducing is not selfish or borne out of the desire for a mini-me. It's quite simply what we were designed to do. And never forget that there would be no children to adopt in the first place if no one reproduced at all.
Reproducing is not selfish or borne out of the desire for a mini-me. It's quite simply what we were designed to do. And never forget that there would be no children to adopt in the first place if no one reproduced at all.
4
Motherhood is the most difficult, relentless and thankless job I ever signed up for in my 65 years of living. I am glad that I didn't have a crystal ball to see what it was going to be like. But I can't think of another experience in life that has taught me more, or could have taught me more, about the nature of selflessness and unconditional love, or helped my personal development. If given the choice with hindsight, I'd do it all over again in a minute.
9
for me the no child decision was based on flawed family genetics first, partner frailty second, and then on economics. now in my fifties, i could raise a child with a healthy sense of distance from the helicopter foolery, but don't have the requisite energy. and i do feel some sadness about not having a child to care for.
4
I found this article sad. It goes without saying that having children is expensive, takes endless time and effort, is often self-sacrificing etc. As a parent I am naturally prejudiced, however I have found the most important advantage to me as a woman has been the unique insight parenting has given me with regards to my own maturity. There's nothing quite like seeing both the best and worst of oneself in one's children, and it provides an opportunity for lifelong self-improvement and self-observation, opening up parameters of personality and experiences that one would never have imagined existed.
54
What's wrong with being selfish?
4
Nothing! But, aren't you glad your parents were not?
If you have to ask.....
I was not sure I'd love being a parent, but I do (which is not to say it's easy, and I have possibly the easiest child in the world).
That said, I fully realize being a parent is more selfish than not being a parent in terms of natural resources, and most people who are parents probably aren't good parents. If you don't want a child (which is perfectly fine), you shouldn't have them.
That said, I fully realize being a parent is more selfish than not being a parent in terms of natural resources, and most people who are parents probably aren't good parents. If you don't want a child (which is perfectly fine), you shouldn't have them.
10
We discovered about a year ago that we aren't able to conceive. Of course, this discovery came after we had already purchased a house in an expensive family-oriented neighborhood where the amount we pay in property taxes each month is nearly equal to our mortgage.
But instead of selling our house or taking more drastic measures to conceive a child, we just accepted the fact giving birth (or adopting) is not the only way to help children or add meaning and inspiration to their lives. I don't mind that my property taxes go to help other people's kids--education is important! As a non-parent, I have a decent amount of spare time so I'm able to volunteer for a therapeutic horseback riding program for special needs kids, help out friends and family members with childcare when they are busy/overwhelmed, and help kids with their homework at an after school tutoring center.
I don't broadcast this to my neighbors (or anyone really), so it's hurtful when parents make comments about us being childless. And I know for a fact that there are some neighbors who wish we'd move out so a family with kids could move in. Now we're bound and determined to stay here, just to spite them. :)
But instead of selling our house or taking more drastic measures to conceive a child, we just accepted the fact giving birth (or adopting) is not the only way to help children or add meaning and inspiration to their lives. I don't mind that my property taxes go to help other people's kids--education is important! As a non-parent, I have a decent amount of spare time so I'm able to volunteer for a therapeutic horseback riding program for special needs kids, help out friends and family members with childcare when they are busy/overwhelmed, and help kids with their homework at an after school tutoring center.
I don't broadcast this to my neighbors (or anyone really), so it's hurtful when parents make comments about us being childless. And I know for a fact that there are some neighbors who wish we'd move out so a family with kids could move in. Now we're bound and determined to stay here, just to spite them. :)
15
The decision to have children or forego having children is one of the most critical decisions one can make, yet so many people make especially the decision to have children without a thought. After a very deliberate decision with my wife, I have two children and without a doubt consider having raised them and watch them become the incredible and unique individuals they are, the most fulfilling adventure I've had (even better than my around-the-world travels, which I also enjoyed prior to having the kids). But it's certainly not for everyone, and no one gets to judge what is best for another person's life.
12
The source of the world's environmental degradation is people--too many of them. The production of foods to feed them, especially using genetically modified grains, and pesticides, deplete the soil and poison the water. Children's plastic toys pollute the world's oceans, carrying toxins into the fish we eat. Automobiles, transport systems, mining operations and coal burning energy production, with their enormous outputs of particulate matter, drive the globe's total carbon footprint to the point of unsustainability.
If couples received tax breaks for not having children, while those with kids had to pay at the single person tax rate, and if monthly "freedom assistance" was available to the childless, I think the birthrate would drop.
Add in additional incentives for using public transportation, carpooling or an electric vehicle, perhaps there wouldn't be so many cars on the road.
For those still saying, "but I waaaant a baby of my own", please consider adoption--unwanted babies are out there, and they need devoted parents.
If couples received tax breaks for not having children, while those with kids had to pay at the single person tax rate, and if monthly "freedom assistance" was available to the childless, I think the birthrate would drop.
Add in additional incentives for using public transportation, carpooling or an electric vehicle, perhaps there wouldn't be so many cars on the road.
For those still saying, "but I waaaant a baby of my own", please consider adoption--unwanted babies are out there, and they need devoted parents.
13
I love the defeatest attitude you have, throughout time there have been neglectful parents ,war, famine etc. The child you have my be the next Hitler or could be the world's savior. That's life and the human condition, I think some people are under the pre-text they can control their destiny. I would rather live and play the game then be a spectator, that perfect person, job may not matter if you're dead. Overpopulation is part of life and you will never convince the general population to not have kids. Here's an idea we could evolve and innovate to help everyone. Happiness isn't resource dependent.
Thanks for your reply, Kevin. Please note, before my suggestions for giving tax breaks to the childless, I wrote "if"...if tax breaks were given to the childless, etc.
I fully realize these ideas will never materialize, and I fully understand that people will continue to procreate--because they love children, want a family, it's cultural tradition, or to play the game, as you put it.
While I believe that population density is destroying the environment, I also believe there is nothing any of us can do to stop it. All I can do is do my best to educate and work in the environmental sector, implementing ways to protect our environment for as long as possible.
I am not sure your comments addressed my original letter. However, the last point you made, that happiness isn't resource dependent--in general, I would agree with you--that is, until there is no fresh water left to drink. At that point, my mind would probably be on survival and not happiness.
I fully realize these ideas will never materialize, and I fully understand that people will continue to procreate--because they love children, want a family, it's cultural tradition, or to play the game, as you put it.
While I believe that population density is destroying the environment, I also believe there is nothing any of us can do to stop it. All I can do is do my best to educate and work in the environmental sector, implementing ways to protect our environment for as long as possible.
I am not sure your comments addressed my original letter. However, the last point you made, that happiness isn't resource dependent--in general, I would agree with you--that is, until there is no fresh water left to drink. At that point, my mind would probably be on survival and not happiness.
4
While I of course support anyone's desire to have or not have children, I honestly don't know a single person who regretted having children. Are people allowed to imagine the road less travelled--both parents and no parents--without actually ruing not taking that road? Of course. And the notion that because there are challenging or exhausting aspects to parenting means you shouldn't do it or that parents hate having children is so utterly absurd. Having we become so self-indulgent a society that we assume that doing something that isn't constant pleasure for us isn't worth doing?
3
'...I honestly don't know a single person who regretted having children...'
You must know a lot of hypocrites and liars then.
You must know a lot of hypocrites and liars then.
5
Isn't it crystal clear by now that there are way, way too many people on this planet to sustain not only human populations, but every other species as well? So who's selfish? The people who know this and keep adding to the population anyway, or those who don't?
18
I just returned from Disney World where the sight of the stroller parking area shocked me. We need more of the child-free or we're running out of everything, except strollers.
6
The article makes a good point that sometimes parents don't look after their kids thus bothering other adults. We have a duty to ensure our children behave.
Then again, others were once kind to me. Many years ago I was traveling from Asia to NYC to Latin America. On the first leg my baby daughter was fine, on the second one she started crying quite loudly. It had been 27 hrs flying and she was tired. Everyone on the flight was kind (my wife argues because I was a man by myself ), including the flight attendant and the mother next to me. I travel internationally 50 times a year and I always remember when a child cries that once it happened to me. And everyone was supportive.
Then again, others were once kind to me. Many years ago I was traveling from Asia to NYC to Latin America. On the first leg my baby daughter was fine, on the second one she started crying quite loudly. It had been 27 hrs flying and she was tired. Everyone on the flight was kind (my wife argues because I was a man by myself ), including the flight attendant and the mother next to me. I travel internationally 50 times a year and I always remember when a child cries that once it happened to me. And everyone was supportive.
1
I'm 46, childless (& unmarried) & regret neither.
We live on a planet with an unsustainable human population ruining everything around it (see the NY Times article today on California's water woes as one example), & I think the best way to combat that is to NOT add to the billions of people who'll likely have a dimming future. I'm of the opinion that the best way to conserve & shrink an environmental footprint is simply to not add to the headcount.
This is formidable, thanks in no small part to religious dogma & a paradigm that's increasingly out of step with reality. (Why for example, should couples with large families get tax breaks? Why not give incentives to people who do not continue to overburden society & a fragile infrastructure?) Is it humanitarian to promote having children in parts of the world where life is complicated enough for the existing population?
I'm glad to see discussions such as this, because it's long overdue. I'm not heartened though. I live in the Bible Belt, & my opinion is definitely not common here. I'm also alarmed at some Millennials who've grown up with Fox News & conservative propaganda that don't see these issues as real--their future looks cloudy indeed, & yet they seem to be promoting exactly the wrong approach.
We live on a planet with an unsustainable human population ruining everything around it (see the NY Times article today on California's water woes as one example), & I think the best way to combat that is to NOT add to the billions of people who'll likely have a dimming future. I'm of the opinion that the best way to conserve & shrink an environmental footprint is simply to not add to the headcount.
This is formidable, thanks in no small part to religious dogma & a paradigm that's increasingly out of step with reality. (Why for example, should couples with large families get tax breaks? Why not give incentives to people who do not continue to overburden society & a fragile infrastructure?) Is it humanitarian to promote having children in parts of the world where life is complicated enough for the existing population?
I'm glad to see discussions such as this, because it's long overdue. I'm not heartened though. I live in the Bible Belt, & my opinion is definitely not common here. I'm also alarmed at some Millennials who've grown up with Fox News & conservative propaganda that don't see these issues as real--their future looks cloudy indeed, & yet they seem to be promoting exactly the wrong approach.
18
When I was 22 I wanted to be a wife and a mother, like all the other young women of my generation, and so I became both. The marriage didn't last but the kids have been a joy. I raised them on my own and the price I paid was basically little or no time for myself, and way less money in the piggy bank for retirement.
But as I was sorting old photos yesterday I found myself laughing out loud about the many great moments we have shared as an unconventional little family. They have become wonderful people. Neither is married nor has children...yet. My daughter at 33 will be child free by choice and my son at 35 will have a family as as soon as he finds a wife with some "domestic skills". More of a challenge than you realize, these days.
I always stipulated that they needn't ever feel compelled to give me grandchildren, and I mean that. I have so many friends who are grandparents and the degree to which they have become helicopter grandparents is nauseating. They seem to have abandoned all intellectual adult conversation for gushing tales of school plays and soccer goals, expensive shoes and academic tutors, delivered in a kind of one-upmanship that is vomit-worthy.
I don't remember my grandparents doing anything like that. They took us to the park and pushed us on the swings, and cooked us soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers on Sunday mornings. We felt very loved. Maybe it's best that some people forego having kids not just to spare us the parents...but the grandparents!
But as I was sorting old photos yesterday I found myself laughing out loud about the many great moments we have shared as an unconventional little family. They have become wonderful people. Neither is married nor has children...yet. My daughter at 33 will be child free by choice and my son at 35 will have a family as as soon as he finds a wife with some "domestic skills". More of a challenge than you realize, these days.
I always stipulated that they needn't ever feel compelled to give me grandchildren, and I mean that. I have so many friends who are grandparents and the degree to which they have become helicopter grandparents is nauseating. They seem to have abandoned all intellectual adult conversation for gushing tales of school plays and soccer goals, expensive shoes and academic tutors, delivered in a kind of one-upmanship that is vomit-worthy.
I don't remember my grandparents doing anything like that. They took us to the park and pushed us on the swings, and cooked us soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers on Sunday mornings. We felt very loved. Maybe it's best that some people forego having kids not just to spare us the parents...but the grandparents!
5
As this article alludes to, deciding not to have children is a political act, just as having them is. In the latter, early indoctrination into the myths and mysteries of marriage and family as the basis of happiness plays an important role, and I've found that people who had been spared this process, generally are the ones who have opted either not to marry or not have children, or both. As for myself, having been raised in an a-religious family in which there was never any talk of the need for me to have children, or marry, I was spared that pressure to conform, and consequently haven't married, nor do I have children. Although my parents were quite happy with each another, I got the impression, had they grown up in a different social milieu, they too would not have married and had children. My suspicion was borne out in my late thirties when my mother thinking out aloud one day, asked rhetorically, "why bother with children?" I suspect my father's thoughts were not very different. Thus, I now live my life happy in the knowledge I'm fulfilling my father's wish that he didn't have me. I'm neither happy nor sad about this state of affairs, but I do acknowledge that for various reasons, including the aforementioned, some people are better disposed to having children. But I retain the right to regard them as I see fit, as to the wisdom of their having brought children into this world for reasons they don't quite understand.
3
My youngest daughter turned 11 years old this weekend. For her birthday, my 15 year old daughter drew her a beautiful jellyfish (my youngest's favorite creature) and my 13 year old son took his allowance and bought her a game for her 3D player. She wanted to go out to dinner as a family and before we entered the restaurant we surrounded her with a family hug and told her how much we loved her.
I completely respect someone's decision to not have children. I am also so grateful for my own. They show me what love and goodness is every day.
I completely respect someone's decision to not have children. I am also so grateful for my own. They show me what love and goodness is every day.
5
Who's Selfish? For years I’ve heard married friends and family members comment on the freedom my single friends and I have, how we always “do our own thing”, and how self-absorbed single people are. Yet because we don’t have kids, we dote over other people’s kids. Singles without kids also rarely get asked questions about their lives from parents. So they have no idea of the pain many “selfish singles”, feel by deciding not to have them. Why didn’t we have them? For me, and many of my friends, it’s this: when we were ready to have children, there was no one in our lives who could be both a good parent and good father. We couldn’t bear to give children anything less than what we had -- 2 parents and financial stability. So ironically, it’s often the “selfish single” who dotes over your kids, who never gets asked about her life, who models the selflessness required to be a good parent.
18
Child free people constantly talk about their decision not to have children. I don't get it. No one cares. And then there's the 'dog crowd' who pick up the worse habits of the childfree and parents.
5
'...Child free people constantly talk about their decision not to have children...'
Which pales to the amount of time parents talk about their children, which is tedious and dull.
Why does having children turn people into such huge bores?
Which pales to the amount of time parents talk about their children, which is tedious and dull.
Why does having children turn people into such huge bores?
5
I do not think there is a right or wrong choice here. It is individual. But our youth, our children are the future of humanity. Whether you are a literal parent or not, you should be involved with raising our youth. If you are not in some way involved with the next generation, I personally have no use for you. You are truly selfish and not someone who is contributing to our society. You can be involved and engaged in many ways-- through art that lifts people up, through literature, through teaching. But if you are collecting a paycheck to hang out and drink beer, you are a very sad member of the human race. I am ashamed of you.
3
What is it with this notion that childfree people do nothing but "hang out and drink beer" ? We are the workers not requesting special accommodations, the volunteers (studies show that childfree volunteer more in their communities), the helpful friends and relatives helping care for multiple generations, the neat, clean homeowners who keep your neighborhood looking halfway decent, the taxpayers, and so on.
What a limited, stunted life it must be to live inside a mind that can only conceive of a dichotomy such as "have kids OR party all the time." I pity anyone with such an outlook.
What a limited, stunted life it must be to live inside a mind that can only conceive of a dichotomy such as "have kids OR party all the time." I pity anyone with such an outlook.
5
You are guilty of making a dichotomy yourself. You don't think parents volunteer too, and also take care of multiple generations? Heck, even children volunteer. As a teenager I won multiple awards for community service and was even mentioned in the newspapers for work I did on behalf of disadvantaged populations in my town. But go ahead with your assumptions that all parents and children suck the life out of society.
1
Seven generations of singletonic couples would slash planetary population to 170M [by 2215 CE], enough to sustain a techno-humanist culture, permitting biome & even whole-ecosystem rebuild.
9
Gives me a dreamy vision of Paradise Regained!
There is this "entitlement" factor that we give parents that are raising children...that is not given to people w/o children. I guess you can say that people who make the decision to procreate are helping to advance the existence of human beings. Do we want to perfect the process and leave the biological parents out of that ? At the same time, comments about how childless people give back more to the community and society is true. They can focus on helping shape society and trying to keep and make it better. People that are raising families dont do that. Its all about their kids. Dog owners care VERY much about the other owners dogs they meet or interfact with in the park. there is a connection..doesnt seem to be that way with parents and other parents children at the soccer field or school events.
2
If it weren't for unwanted children and children borne for the "wrong" reasons, we would go extinct. Planned thoughtful reproduction by those who made mature aware decisions is simply far short of what is needed to keep the species alive.
2
Idiocracy.
Going extinct would be preferable.
Going extinct would be preferable.
2
According to Wikipedia:
"The United States Census Bureau estimates that the world population exceeded 7 billion on March 12, 2012. According to a separate estimate by the United Nations Population Fund, it reached this milestone on October 31, 2011. In June 2013, the Population Division of the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs estimated the world population at approximately 7.2 billion. [footnotes deleted]"
----------------
The human population has reached unsustainable levels and is still skyrocketing. We are far from "going extinct."
"The United States Census Bureau estimates that the world population exceeded 7 billion on March 12, 2012. According to a separate estimate by the United Nations Population Fund, it reached this milestone on October 31, 2011. In June 2013, the Population Division of the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs estimated the world population at approximately 7.2 billion. [footnotes deleted]"
----------------
The human population has reached unsustainable levels and is still skyrocketing. We are far from "going extinct."
3
How so? Were the human population 50 time less than it is, there would be more than enough people to keep the species alive. Now, this current type of economy seems to posit pyramidal population growth. But not Planet Earth - the question there is what will keep our planet fully alive!
10
I never had a desire to have children, but I enjoy my friends' and my sister's kids. Those children are the light of their parents' eyes, and make them who they are. I wouldn't criticize them for it for the world. And the others, who are a pain? They are easy to avoid, just like those who are "child-free."
2
Why must the personal decision whether to have children or not be turned into another polarizing debate about purported superiority? The self-righteous anger directed at each camp from the other is astounding. One group is not more or less selfish than the other— and that ridiculous oversimplification only hardens the "Us vs Them" mentality that permeates our public discourse.
And this idea that the decision not to have children is saving the planet is absurd. Get over yourself!
And this idea that the decision not to have children is saving the planet is absurd. Get over yourself!
11
I was pregnant for two weeks, during which time I poignantly and devastatingly realized the magical sex I had with my ex-heroin addict, jobless boyfriend would not translate to the loving, stable two parent household I'd always envisioned for my children. I ended the pregnancy and broke up with my boyfriend. To my complete surprise (and horror), I have yet to meet a suitable partner, and my child-bearing years have all but nearly vanished. You could say I'm childfree by choice, but it's more complicated than that. I have never heard a man tell a similar story.
13
Ugh. I don't remember the last time I read an article that made me want to throw up as much as this one. It's not just the childless people who are selfish and self-absorbed; it's the spoiled parents, with their relentless acquisition of upper middle class "things" and desperate pursuit of conformity and social approval. Bah. If that's what family and parenting are, no wonder anyone with a semblance of autonomy would reject it.
Children are separate and independent people. They are not extensions of ourselves or expressions of our creativity or demonstrations of our abilities. Nor are they little petri dishes upon which we can test our latest pet social theories.
What is missing in this entire article is any notion of LOVE: love of a spouse with whom you want to have children; love of the children you bring into the world, and (hopefully) raise to be happy, loving people; love of the community in which your family lives. (That includes raising well-behaved and considerate children, by the way...)
This piece reads like a battle to see who can be the most selfish and insecure. In such a fight, there are no winners.
Children are separate and independent people. They are not extensions of ourselves or expressions of our creativity or demonstrations of our abilities. Nor are they little petri dishes upon which we can test our latest pet social theories.
What is missing in this entire article is any notion of LOVE: love of a spouse with whom you want to have children; love of the children you bring into the world, and (hopefully) raise to be happy, loving people; love of the community in which your family lives. (That includes raising well-behaved and considerate children, by the way...)
This piece reads like a battle to see who can be the most selfish and insecure. In such a fight, there are no winners.
11
The calculation about childbearing is very different today for Gen X and millennial women than it was for the chipper Boomers who populate the NY Times comments (and men at any time)
Most of the people who I hear wax rhapsodic about having families had them decades ago when the financial costs were lower, the world was less crowded, and when no one was hyperfocused on parental perfection.
(Or they're men. Not only are men spared the actual physical ordeal of bearing the child, but they reap the social and emotional benefits with much less of the self-abnegation and stress that plague mothers. They also have the benefit of having bio kids much later in their lives, at a time that suits them better. I'm also much more likely to hear men say that having children was the only thing that taught them empathy and selflessness, an assertion I will let pass without further comment.)
Women of childbearing age today now contend with extraordinary financial costs, a world that is running out of water, and a toxic parenting culture focused on perfection and camera-ready "after baby body," as well as the ever-present toll on the body, mind, and soul.
Those who merrily raised their broods decades ago in a nice suburban home purchased for 40K while kicking their kids into the street to play all day might consider this fact before telling today's women that they would be remiss not to reproduce.
Most of the people who I hear wax rhapsodic about having families had them decades ago when the financial costs were lower, the world was less crowded, and when no one was hyperfocused on parental perfection.
(Or they're men. Not only are men spared the actual physical ordeal of bearing the child, but they reap the social and emotional benefits with much less of the self-abnegation and stress that plague mothers. They also have the benefit of having bio kids much later in their lives, at a time that suits them better. I'm also much more likely to hear men say that having children was the only thing that taught them empathy and selflessness, an assertion I will let pass without further comment.)
Women of childbearing age today now contend with extraordinary financial costs, a world that is running out of water, and a toxic parenting culture focused on perfection and camera-ready "after baby body," as well as the ever-present toll on the body, mind, and soul.
Those who merrily raised their broods decades ago in a nice suburban home purchased for 40K while kicking their kids into the street to play all day might consider this fact before telling today's women that they would be remiss not to reproduce.
18
Boomer women not only had no access to birth control, they were denied even the right to learn about how their own bodies worked.
There are many older women who would never had children, if the only other option had not been celibacy.
But since nature makes sure that the vast majority of women will love their children, that 'chipperness' is often making the best of things.
Younger women cannot even imagine what their worlds would be like if they had no rights over their own reproduction and for that, I am very glad.
There are many older women who would never had children, if the only other option had not been celibacy.
But since nature makes sure that the vast majority of women will love their children, that 'chipperness' is often making the best of things.
Younger women cannot even imagine what their worlds would be like if they had no rights over their own reproduction and for that, I am very glad.
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."-Nancy Mitford
8
The people who do not have children are not reproducing themselves or their outlook. I wonder what impact this will have on future society?
3
After reading the article, I come away feeling it's probably a good thing the subjects don't have kids.
7
Affluent white intellectuals who chose to exterminate their genes on philosophical grounds. Interesting how billions of people on this planet reproduce without a thought in their heads about the unbearableness of white privilege, income disparity, etc.
5
Many millions of women in the US do exactly the same thing and it has been a net negative for the country as a whole.
1
Reading the article and several comments, it amazes me the lack of concern of overpopulation. We are destroying the environment and endangering species, mostly because of our exponential growth in the last hundred years.
8
I knew from a young age I didn't want to have children. My husband and I are fortunate enough to be a proud uncle and aunt of three nephews and five nieces, whom we have seen go from babies to teenagers to adults. We have great relationships with all of them; I don't think that would have been possible if we had children of our own. You don't have to have carried a child for nine months to have an impact on his or her life.
7
Why does everyone talk of having children as having...children? As in, little people? A human is only a child for a little more than a decade; then they are adolescents for a little while and then, if you're lucky, you get to enjoy them as adults for the next 30-40 years.
So many comments here are about loving kids or not loving kids (even the title of this article says kids), but being a parent is so much more than having kids. They grow up fast, and for most of your life as a parent they will be adults, just like you.
So many comments here are about loving kids or not loving kids (even the title of this article says kids), but being a parent is so much more than having kids. They grow up fast, and for most of your life as a parent they will be adults, just like you.
5
If you were raised in a dysfunctional family the idea of family does not ring positively. Two different options chosen by myself and my brother: me-never a family, seeing all the trauma I went thru.
my brother-has a child to correct the wrongs of his upbringing and does a great job with a healthy loving vibrant daughter.
Neither option is right or wrong. Just coping strategies.
my brother-has a child to correct the wrongs of his upbringing and does a great job with a healthy loving vibrant daughter.
Neither option is right or wrong. Just coping strategies.
6
When I came around to motherhood, I left the NYC area for all the reasons cited here: the nauseating competitiveness in parenting and everything else, the impossible cost of living for anyone who's truly middle class, the overwhelming exhaustion in maneuvering the city with a stroller, you name it. I moved, and now I've got two teenagers. Do I miss New York? Like it's my job. Could I be sitting on a nice, fat retirement fund if I'd never had kids? Yup. Do I regret my decision? No. Some days I wonder and ponder what if, and so do my child-free friends. It's a choice to have kids and to not have kids, and my choice was to raise a couple of humans. Decent, kind, humble, solid humans. Hardly a lofty goal, but a realistic one, and perhaps one that can be achieved by eschewing the sort of over-the-top parenting described in this article. And more than that: my choice was to remove enough stress from my life such that I could actually love and enjoy my children. That's the point of having kids, after all -- love and joy. Whether you're a bio parent, adoptive parent, awesome aunt or uncle or friend or whatever, I think the point is love and joy. Whatever your choice is vis-a-vis children, keep your eye on the ball.
47
But raising children is not all 'love and joy' and it is this kind of statement that creates so many unrealistic expectations for parents.
2
My parents, both immigrants, provided me, their only child, with a wealth of good schooling, but I fail to comprehend how today's parents (not among the 1 or 2%), are supposed to afford college, while still responsibly staying out of debt & saving for their own retirement. My alma mater's tuition is 300% of what it was in 1990. Is it really 3x more valuable?
My decision not to have children has a lot to do with where I live, what alternatives I've experienced, and my belief that each generation is responsible for providing for the needs of the next. Non-rich US parents, unlike their European counterparts, are on their own for higher education, healthcare expenses & pension. They're screwed, partly due to our leaders having other priorities -- we live in a world superpower, whose perceived security requirements eat nearly a trillion dollars a year. A growing economy needs skilled workers who are educated to provide high value-added, and feeding defense contractors instead of sending kids to great schools (without massive debt) will get us too little in this global economy.
My decision not to have children has a lot to do with where I live, what alternatives I've experienced, and my belief that each generation is responsible for providing for the needs of the next. Non-rich US parents, unlike their European counterparts, are on their own for higher education, healthcare expenses & pension. They're screwed, partly due to our leaders having other priorities -- we live in a world superpower, whose perceived security requirements eat nearly a trillion dollars a year. A growing economy needs skilled workers who are educated to provide high value-added, and feeding defense contractors instead of sending kids to great schools (without massive debt) will get us too little in this global economy.
6
I can't stand the holier than thou condescension of childless adults probably as much as they can't stand me. I've lived both sides of the equation, childless, and for the last decade, with a wonderful little boy. It isn't always easy to be sure, but am grateful that i am not like others who do not expose themselves to some of life's most exhilarating and rewarding moments. If you are deciding not to have kids because you don't want to throw kids parties, you sound like a coward and superficial to me. At the end of the day, live and let live, but don't try to criticize something you truly have no idea about.
2
Wait . . . what? Because I don't like children's parties, I am a selfish coward? Um, this military veteran would like to have a private word with you!
3
The article says nothing about the fact if all people decided to not have children we would be extinct.
2
Which would not be a bad thing overall, in the opinion of most of the other species on this planet who are rapidly going extinct because of us.
4
Congratulations to all. The planet thanks you.
6
This column shows that those writing about their child free lives are just as insufferable, dull and self-righteous as those writing about their parenting. Well done!
6
I was extremely ambivalent about having children but once I did was relieved I had. I would never have wanted to miss what I'm experiencing now. The oddest quotes in this article to me were from childless folks who fear getting swept up in the helicopter parenting/birthday party soul crushing spiral. The culture of upper middle class parenting is indeed awful and horrible. But here's the other thing: it's really not hard to just not engage in all that. You have to be a little punk rock about it. Whenever I get an invite to a child birthday party, I simply RSVP "No." (the kids never know the difference and the parents are probably relieved). When youth sports schedules get to be too much I call the coach and tell them we're going to the beach. We pick our strollers from free cycle or the curbsides of the uberwealthy. I applaud those choose not to have kids. I was nearly one of you and would probably have live a life enriched in other way if I ha not. But if your beef is with the hyper consumerism of today's culture, the target of your ire should not be parenthood. In fact, taking a stand against it as a parent is probably a bolder statement in the end.
4
The other side of parenthood is selecting the child's other parent - and that, as much as any aversion to the tasks of parenting itself, is why I never wanted to have children. I could not imagine tying The Rest of My Life to that of my baby's daddy. I always felt being a divorced parent would be infinitely worse than being an only parent and I knew I would never have the fortitude to be a solo mom. My partner is a divorced dad and the first ten years were a long bitter slog of guerrilla warfare, appeasement and blistering explosions of rancor between the ex-wife and him. Or so I'm told: I wasn't around and I'm not sorry I missed it, either. I am forever grateful I didn't lose a decade of my life in such intractable misery. Now, I've been around long enough to feel some real love for the kids and am so happy to welcome them into my life. We've had a lot of fun becoming a family.
4
Why do people need to validate the choices they make as the only acceptable course for everyone? Children or no children, your choices gain or lose no validity from the dismissiveness or certainty with which they are asserted.
One thing I'll assert: if there are still people around who had to tolerate Chelsea Handler and Geoff Dyer when they were children, I'd imagine they are still trying to get past their profound irritation.
One thing I'll assert: if there are still people around who had to tolerate Chelsea Handler and Geoff Dyer when they were children, I'd imagine they are still trying to get past their profound irritation.
6
I find it rather odd that the article fails to mention the fact what having children really means for humanity: more people
The population of developed countries multiplied several times over the last few hundred years and however much energy we try to conserve, the biggest threat we as humanity face is over population. There are simply not enough resources available on this planet to provide 1st class lives to everyone living on it at the moment and with global population growth this will get worse.
Everyone has the right to have a child, just because it is a basic human right. However, the responsible thing in an over-populated, resource lacking world is to think twice if you really need to.
And certainly anyone who does not, does everyone else a favor - even though that might not be why he/she chose not to have children, but that is what it means for the planet.
The population of developed countries multiplied several times over the last few hundred years and however much energy we try to conserve, the biggest threat we as humanity face is over population. There are simply not enough resources available on this planet to provide 1st class lives to everyone living on it at the moment and with global population growth this will get worse.
Everyone has the right to have a child, just because it is a basic human right. However, the responsible thing in an over-populated, resource lacking world is to think twice if you really need to.
And certainly anyone who does not, does everyone else a favor - even though that might not be why he/she chose not to have children, but that is what it means for the planet.
8
Article complains about the over analization of 'helicopter parenting' and 'over parenting' entails, claims that not having kids is'anti-narcism', doesn't see the irony in the reference to dozens of books about individuals choice to not having kids.
1
I would have liked to have had a child. A single woman entering my late 30s now, with no procreative partner prospect on the horizon, the window is closing. Having a child as a single woman does not appeal, due to the financial strain and the fact that the only family I have who would assist lives in a deep-south state and my career options would be highly limited there. I think about all the ramifications of having children, even in a happy relationship, and my mind sticks on the financial duress that will surely result, in this day and age of stagnating wages and escalating costs. I know that I will continue to harbor some regret as I age, but I expect that it will be tempered by my increased financial stability and options for travel and exploration.
7
I think it's perfectly acceptable to not have kids. I don't see anyone beating the child-free up over their obsession for expensive sports cars, photo-ready weekend houses or "helicoptering" dog care (anyone notice the pricey dog gear shops, dog walkers crowding the streets and now "private" dog run clubs proliferating in the city?) For each their own I say. I might also remind the child-free crowd that our continuance as a human race on this planet squarely relies on some of us giving birth and raising children, with or without the de rigeur accoutrements.
2
The world is over populated, so while yes, it is necessary for some people to continue to have children, you hardly deserve massive accolades.
Also you are creating a straw-man argument. On what basis do you say it is the childfree who are obsessed with expensive sports cars or dogs? Plenty of people with children have dogs, use dogwalkers, and have expensive sports cars and weekend houses.
Childfree doesn't equal rich
Also you are creating a straw-man argument. On what basis do you say it is the childfree who are obsessed with expensive sports cars or dogs? Plenty of people with children have dogs, use dogwalkers, and have expensive sports cars and weekend houses.
Childfree doesn't equal rich
4
We are not exactly running out of people any time soon.
4
Why on Earth should I care whether the human race continues after my death?
6
My spouse and I think of ourselves as child-free.
We have children in our lives, and we do anything we can to help them - from advice they seek to helping with college expenses. Our marriage has been smooth, interesting and happy, as we have not had to deal with the angst and often sheer misery of raising children. Yes, we know there are joys too.
For us, we made the right decision.
We have children in our lives, and we do anything we can to help them - from advice they seek to helping with college expenses. Our marriage has been smooth, interesting and happy, as we have not had to deal with the angst and often sheer misery of raising children. Yes, we know there are joys too.
For us, we made the right decision.
10
I appreciate this article but dislike it's cliched, catty, and defensive (on both sides) posture on the subject. Why do these articles always seem to be from the perspective of heterosexual couples, spinster women and forever bachelor men? Are gay couples any less or more happy, or justified, in their decision to have or not to have kids? I think a more interesting take would be the simple "No Kids for Me, Thanks" implication of this headline. Perhaps people without kids aren't having them simply because they don't want them, and that answer is becoming just as prevalent - and accepted - as people with kids who've been able to say "because that's what people do." And that is about time.
6
Given today's economy, having children is an act of sadism or idiot credulity for any couple with an annual income of less than $100k. Make that $200k for couples living in NYC or Silicon Valley. One thing for which I am thankful is that I never sentenced a child to life in this wholly materialistic, narcissistic cathedral of Mammon and Moloch that thinks it is "exceptional." America has boarded corporate capitalism as a cultural vehicle of "exceptionalism." It is a short bus for civilization.
7
Seems to me the whole premise of the article is judging others and being judged. And particularly being judged by the popular media. What a waste. Who cares about talk show hosts and TV?
1
So interesting to see many comments framed in terms of "it is a choice, one way or the other." As my lifetime has spanned the introduction of safe, effective, (and now, easy) birth control, I am aware of how recently childrearing wasn't a choice - it was more like, children or celibacy. It's an interesting time - we are seeing whether the instinct is procreation or simply sex. It is also interesting (and I had not realized this was happening) to see some increase in the expectation NOT to have children, as I think this has to happen for the planet to survive. It seems like only a couple of years ago that I was trying to formulate a response to my sister's "I pity you, because you never have had children." All choices bring responsibilities. As a childless adult, I keep in mind that I must make it as easy as possible for those younger relatives who may have to deal with my very old age. This means putting more money aside for that period, making sensible financial decisions that keep their needs in mind also, and keeping in good health as far as possible. And then, the freedom to be more responsible towards this lovely planet!
2
Or, as I liked to say, "Recreation not procreation!"
'...I was trying to formulate a response to my sister's "I pity you, because you never have had children."...'
Perhaps "I pity you, because you have children"...?
As a mother, I find most women with children insufferably boring and dull, as all they talk about is their children, as if they are not people in their own right.
I much prefer the company of the childless, both men and women, as their viewpoints include the entire world and the universe beyond and they never bring their children along to a Sunday brunch.
Perhaps "I pity you, because you have children"...?
As a mother, I find most women with children insufferably boring and dull, as all they talk about is their children, as if they are not people in their own right.
I much prefer the company of the childless, both men and women, as their viewpoints include the entire world and the universe beyond and they never bring their children along to a Sunday brunch.
3
I don't want to have any kids!
Ok. Whatever.
I want to have kids!
Ok. Whatever.
Ok. Whatever.
I want to have kids!
Ok. Whatever.
1
Gone are the days when a family was needed to produce food or products/service to survive in the economic world. So go ahead and have no children and be similar to most of Europe and Israel- you'll be happy and the demographic shift will have far reaching implications that you won't even experience- aren't you lucky.
2
Having had step daughters for a bit who were teens made me wonder why people ever had children.
I was sick from experimental chemo and asked the nicer of the two (aged 16) to walk the dogs.
45 minutes later nothing.
The dogs had to be walked and I almost didn't make it back. We had walked out in the woods in the snow and I just wanted to lay down and die. I was so tired, so I did.
Georgie licked and nudged and nudged my face and said come on home I need to walk more and get fed. LETS GO, LETS GO.
I got up, so tired, and staggered on.
I went home and apologized to the daughter (age 16) for having asked her to interrupt her all important chat.
I didn't repeat that mistake again.
I was sick from experimental chemo and asked the nicer of the two (aged 16) to walk the dogs.
45 minutes later nothing.
The dogs had to be walked and I almost didn't make it back. We had walked out in the woods in the snow and I just wanted to lay down and die. I was so tired, so I did.
Georgie licked and nudged and nudged my face and said come on home I need to walk more and get fed. LETS GO, LETS GO.
I got up, so tired, and staggered on.
I went home and apologized to the daughter (age 16) for having asked her to interrupt her all important chat.
I didn't repeat that mistake again.
12
1. Why would you apologize?
2. How is this not your spouses responsibility and fault?
3. All teenagers are selfish, but some grow out of it.
2. How is this not your spouses responsibility and fault?
3. All teenagers are selfish, but some grow out of it.
An illustrative story from our own urban neighborhood, a close friend was taking her 83 year old dad for a walk to a local restaurant and since he was in frail health, he was in need of her arm to support him. They were accosted by a "park slope" type (yes we have them in Chicago neighborhoods too) who came up behind them and kept shouting "Beep Beep! Stroller! Beep Beep! Stroller"... not even an "excuse me, I need to pass" just an inferred demand.
This was years after the sign in our local bakery/café caused furor nationwide because the owner had the nerve to ask the mothers who hung out there each day to ensure their little darlings weren't running around trashing the place. Selfish and self-absorbed is definitely in the eye of the beholder.
This was years after the sign in our local bakery/café caused furor nationwide because the owner had the nerve to ask the mothers who hung out there each day to ensure their little darlings weren't running around trashing the place. Selfish and self-absorbed is definitely in the eye of the beholder.
16
The solution, which I often use, is simply to stand there unmoving.
Those strollers are the size of small cars.
Those strollers are the size of small cars.
My advanced degree is an achievement. My work is a commitment. Having children is a miracle and an amazing adventure. Enough said.
6
All of the reservations expressed in the article have been felt by anyone considering having children. I had a lot of funny ideas before I had a child. As Barbara Coloroso has written, it isn't remarkable that adults have children, but children create adults. She also wrote a clean house is a sign of a misspent childhood. http://www.kidsareworthit.com/ She is a former nun who had three children. Having kids forces one to grow up and grow in ways uncomfortable and challenging. Everyone engaged in childrearing could use a little help now and again, an hour here or there where other adults pitch in to share of themselves with children to give the parents a break and the child some enrichment. The lack of empathy and negativity towards children and their parents expressed in this article is what made having a child in the US so difficult. It's one thing to choose to be childless (totally ok), it is another to actively to go on record as vehemently against children and their caregivers. I knew the US was anti-women and children before I had a child, I didn't fully understand how anti-women and children our society is until I was mothering. Kids ARE worth it!
2
If you think it's bad here you should try Germany! Awful!
Then again you could always pay a babysitter for an hour here and there.
1
'...Kids ARE worth it!...'
To you.
The US is in no need of any more people and if we did need more, we could import them as adults, without the risk of paying for years of education that come to nothing. Have children if you want them, but you are not doing the rest of us any favors.
And why again should other adults 'pitch in' to give you a break? Hire a babysitter.
To you.
The US is in no need of any more people and if we did need more, we could import them as adults, without the risk of paying for years of education that come to nothing. Have children if you want them, but you are not doing the rest of us any favors.
And why again should other adults 'pitch in' to give you a break? Hire a babysitter.
4
Great Article. For me my journey started when my mother told me something aged 13. I decided at that very moment my life was my life and (apart from one of my brothers) the line ends with me.
Yes, people have asked and I've pretty much always said, "my life, my work, my money, my spending habits. I'm selfish".
But have I had a good life so far, absolutely!!! Three wife's, each younger than the last... :)
People are jealous of my travels, my hobbies etc., but it is my money so I can spend it as I please. Why would I want to strap myself down...?
Ugh, the though of it...
Yes, people have asked and I've pretty much always said, "my life, my work, my money, my spending habits. I'm selfish".
But have I had a good life so far, absolutely!!! Three wife's, each younger than the last... :)
People are jealous of my travels, my hobbies etc., but it is my money so I can spend it as I please. Why would I want to strap myself down...?
Ugh, the though of it...
5
I wish you'd share with us what your mother said to you. And since ever-younger wives seem to be a hobby for you, probably just as well you are the end of the line, but I will hope the wives are cognizant and getting something out of it, too. Maybe you are unintentionally misrepresenting yourself, but geesh, if this is really your attitude toward fellow human beings, you are to be pitied not envied. Enjoy your life, but know you are an impoverished human if you speak or think of wives as exchangeable commodities.
3
I raised three amazing humans. Ah, the thought of it. I Loved every minute and was lucky to spend my money this way. Had just one wife. We traveled everywhere and always brought the kids with us. Such fun.
2
Sean from Ryad, Saudi Arabia, I'm not jealous of your travels and adventures, especially when you end up in exotic and self-liberating places like... Saudi Arabia.
3
I'm worried about the future of Western society because its educated people forgo children while its uneducated people tend to have too many.
43
Seems to me the solution is for the educated people who forgo children to help educate the uneducated, among other things.
That is not characteristic of only Western society - it is like that all over the world.
The stupider the person, the more likely they are to endlessly reproduce without giving the slightest to the child.
Despicable and frightening.
Despicable and frightening.
2
When I was about 15 (that was 54 years ago) I asked my Scots-Irish Catholic mother why she had had kids. She stumbled around for a response, told me it was a stupid question and then added, "It's what you do. You're born, grow up, get married and have kids." I was looking for something along the lines of, "I had kids because I love life, and I wanted to pass on the gift of life." My decision not to have kids is the smartest decision I ever made because like Mr. Dyer, I don't wish my genes on anyone.
36
The argument about who is more selfish, parents or the childfree, is a red herring here. I never wanted kids, didn't have them, it's too late now and i'm absolutely delighted about that. Being called selfish by the childed is pretty small beer as opposed to having kids i never wanted.
The real issue is allocation of resources, and what do the childfree owe to people who have kids. I happen to think it's quite a bit less than they feel they're entitled to, but that's where the real conversation starts.
The real issue is allocation of resources, and what do the childfree owe to people who have kids. I happen to think it's quite a bit less than they feel they're entitled to, but that's where the real conversation starts.
31
It is amazing the criticism and condescending remarks on both sides of this issue, maybe even more than political persuasions these days.
Maybe the warnings should go - "don't talk about religion, politics, or reasons to have or have not children."
Maybe the warnings should go - "don't talk about religion, politics, or reasons to have or have not children."
12
I've ended up in a miserable career that I desperately want to leave. Most of my work colleagues feel the same way. Some of these same work colleagues are parents or soon-to-be parents and, from the talks I've had with them, it has become patently apparent that having children is a sure-fire way to lock oneself into a less-than-ideal career situation for years or decades to come. The flexibility to move on if I dislike my career is the main reason why I've decided to forgo children.
The second reason I came to when I was the tender age of 15--the world is already grossly overpopulated and I feel that I do far, far more for the global environment by foregoing children than by reproducing. Even if I decide to never recycle and consume huge quantities of meat, in the end my impact on the environment will be less than a vegan recycling-fiend with a few children in tow (since that vegan, by bringing more people into the world, has increased consumption by a larger multiple than what I can consume in a lifetime).
The third and final reason--the exorbitant costs of a college education. My undergrad education was free because I came from a poor family. But I am now firmly ensconced in the upper middle class; no generous need-based aid will rescue me. I also don't want to burden putative children with a lifetime of educational debt. Besides, whatever monies would've gone to a college fund is now being used to pay down my own exorbitant law school debt. Figures.
The second reason I came to when I was the tender age of 15--the world is already grossly overpopulated and I feel that I do far, far more for the global environment by foregoing children than by reproducing. Even if I decide to never recycle and consume huge quantities of meat, in the end my impact on the environment will be less than a vegan recycling-fiend with a few children in tow (since that vegan, by bringing more people into the world, has increased consumption by a larger multiple than what I can consume in a lifetime).
The third and final reason--the exorbitant costs of a college education. My undergrad education was free because I came from a poor family. But I am now firmly ensconced in the upper middle class; no generous need-based aid will rescue me. I also don't want to burden putative children with a lifetime of educational debt. Besides, whatever monies would've gone to a college fund is now being used to pay down my own exorbitant law school debt. Figures.
22
I'm 61, my wife and I are the parents of two boys, ages 18 and 22. Of course we love them, care for them, and hope that their lives have more ups than downs. But I don't feel at all superior to childless couples in any way. Children are a biological extension of their parents, whose well-being is more important than your own, and yet they operate independently of their parents. Everyday you hope for the best, but you know that luck, good and bad, is random. Your kids are like puppies playing in traffic, oblivious, on a daily basis. So, in essence, you live your own life, and feel like you control a few things, and watch over your extension's lives, with little or no control. So there's the constant anxiety, the cost, and the loss of autonomy of being a parent. And for women, unfairly, most of the work falls on their shoulders. And it is a hell of a lot of work.
23
My husband and I just got lucky. We were in our young 20's when we had both our boy and girl(I know way too young) and did the whole struggle vs. party in our 20's. Would not have had it any other way. Now we're in our early mid 30's and are trying to have a baby again. We must have gotten lucky. Shows like Super Nanny scared me but, both our kids would say I am tired I'm going to bed. Very little struggle. We've been extremely blessed with two carrying wonderful kids. Makes us want more because the first turned out so great. Some people find joy in indulging their own wants and needs and others find that same joy in giving to their offspring. I am one of those people who likes planning parties and taking my kids to their activities. If you want to buy as much stuff for yourself as possible, see as much of the world as possible, and spend as much time as possible making yourself happy then maybe kids might not be for you. I would rather have less of all of that and more awesome kids. They are a HUGE blessing.
10
I have 3 children that I wanted. To say that folks who don't want children are selfish is completely off base. For one thing many of them love kids, and make great godfathers/godmothers, aunts, friends etc. Some just don't want to be around children, and so what? None of this should be the cause of any judgement. We are free to make our life as we desire.
30
And still, tens of thousands of children of all ages languish in foster care, and will never have permanent families. But lets not take our eyes off our navels.
38
You'd think the smug parents and wanna-be grandparents with "so much love to give" would be snapping up the foster kids like hotcakes. But apparently for most people, only one's own DNA is worthy of all that maudlin feeling.
5
I completely agree with you. If I ever did have the money, I would try to adopt the unwanted.
@Bohemienne: like other mammals, we are programmed to love our own progeny first and foremost and not the children of strangers. That's not being maudlin - it's simply biology. Beyond the biological, there are sociological, historical, anthropological, psychological and religious forces behind the decision to procreate and have a family. I suggest you read about all this instead of being so disdainful of parenting. After all, your very existence was the result of procreation too, was it not?
1
To have children or not is obviously a personal decision. What bothers me are some of the quotes from folks who have decided not to have children because of what they think parenting has become: competitive, materialistic, etc. Well, guess what? Parenting is what you make of it. If all that's keeping you from being a parent is how stressed you'll be getting your kid into a good kindergarten (for example), then don't. By "don't" I mean, don't bother with the kindergarten. Don't buy a crib or a ton of toys. Make it simple. It can be, you know.
You don't forgo a car because your neighbors and your friends compete over who can have the nicest car. Why would you care what other people do as parents? In fact, the most successful and happy parents are those who don't fuss over what's best for their kids. They make sure they are fed, clothed, healthy, safe, and educated. In every other way, they let them be. No helicopter parenting necessary.
I was a parent in a small town. Kid's parties were home-made and fun. Being a parent was relatively simple. There was only one elementary school, etc. People weren't competitive. It was a good place to raise kids. It was a good place because all that artificial stress you find in the big cities to "keep up with everyone else" was not there.
If you don't want to be a parent, then that's fine. Just be sure you're not being brainwashed into thinking it's all competition and work. It's not. Not if you don't let it be.
You don't forgo a car because your neighbors and your friends compete over who can have the nicest car. Why would you care what other people do as parents? In fact, the most successful and happy parents are those who don't fuss over what's best for their kids. They make sure they are fed, clothed, healthy, safe, and educated. In every other way, they let them be. No helicopter parenting necessary.
I was a parent in a small town. Kid's parties were home-made and fun. Being a parent was relatively simple. There was only one elementary school, etc. People weren't competitive. It was a good place to raise kids. It was a good place because all that artificial stress you find in the big cities to "keep up with everyone else" was not there.
If you don't want to be a parent, then that's fine. Just be sure you're not being brainwashed into thinking it's all competition and work. It's not. Not if you don't let it be.
31
I think it's great that the conversation is shifting, especially for women, and that childrearing is being seen as a life choice rather than destiny. I have given up a career or at this point two in order to support my husband's, which in turn provides educational and housing security for my two children. It is a serious commitment to have children and takes an enormous amount of your identity to do well. Thus, I resent the rhetoric in this article that implies parents tend to be venal and desire to fulfill their own narcissistic visions in their offspring. There is a flat, incurious, and judgmental mindset at work in that view. I might as well say, as a counter-argument, that childless people are venal about their pet dogs. How stupid that would be, though. Venal people are venal regardless of children, pets, or fashion accessories. Don't judge parents for trying to protect and nurture their children, or for helping them to have fun playing table tennis on a Wednesday afternoon, for goodness sake. Grow up!
10
What parents do not understand is how deep the aggravation is with parents who think that because they are parents they get to go to the front of the line, so to speak. What they do not understand is the near murderous rage caused by their misbehaving children while they just watch with an indulgent smile. Letting children run around yelling and bumping into other people while the parents look on is rude, inconsiderate and selfish. It does the children a disservice as well, because they don't learn to be considerate human beings. I have no problem with well-behaved children and considerate parents. I dearly love the well-behaved children of friends. The misbehaving ones, not so much.
2
Don't have kids, never wanted them, have NEVER encountered any criticism for this choice other than in the NYT comments section. That said, my 80 year old mother is hands-down the best human being I know. I'm glad she decided to have kids!
14
Yeah, I was just wondering about that. Does anyone in the real world, when not prompted by an article that says these decisions are selfish one way or the other, sit around telling people who made the other decision that they are selfish? I didn't have a kid until 40 (adopted), and no one suggested I was selfish in all that time. Now, no one, other than the people commenting on these articles, suggests I'm selfish for wanting a child. I think it's an imaginary conversation.
1
I'm 68 years old, decided when I was young not to have any children and never regretted that decision. I can play with the children of friends and family, enjoy them, but not have to worry about "the children" when I close the door behind me. I and my wife have traveled the world, and never felt tied down because of the kids. Am I selfish, maybe, but I am also very happy that I have no responsibilities to anyone except my wife and myself. Freedom is a wonderful thing.
12
I like the old fashion answer for why people don't have kids, assuming that the person is single: they couldn't find the right partner in time before they reach their 40s. Plain and simple. By your mid-40s, for women, their biological clock has run out and for men, they feel too old to start changing diapers and are set in their ways. The difference between the excuse people give 30 years ago and now, is that today, people call it a voluntary decision not to have kids and years ago people would just be honest and say they couldn't find Mr or Mrs Right in time before time ran out on them. Let's cut out the psycho babble about this and call it like it is.
13
Um, no?
1
The "old fashion answer" may be true for some but certainly doesn't apply in every case -- then or now. Many people consciously choose career, travel, or personal freedom over family. I know personally of several people who decided in their teens or twenties that they didn't want children -- for various reasons -- and never wavered from that choice. Not finding "Mr. or Mrs. Right" had nothing to do with it. Rather these individuals found like-minded partners who also chose to opt out of parenthood.
1
People think having kids is either a total joy or a hellish experience, depending on the viewpoint.
In fact, it's neither. It's a combination of intense rewards and intense headaches if it's done right. The rewards come from your kids turning out ok and the headaches come from doing the things necessary for them to turn out ok. You don't feel giddy when they look like they will be ok after 18 or 20 years of parenting. You just feel relieved.
Oh, and parenting never ends. Not when the kids are 20 or 30 or 60. It just goes on and on. As you get older, it eventually gives you the reason for getting out of bed in the morning. And that's one of the rewards.
In fact, it's neither. It's a combination of intense rewards and intense headaches if it's done right. The rewards come from your kids turning out ok and the headaches come from doing the things necessary for them to turn out ok. You don't feel giddy when they look like they will be ok after 18 or 20 years of parenting. You just feel relieved.
Oh, and parenting never ends. Not when the kids are 20 or 30 or 60. It just goes on and on. As you get older, it eventually gives you the reason for getting out of bed in the morning. And that's one of the rewards.
18
So glad to be childless and So glad to be 63 and not 23. I think that ONLY people who think that life is incredible! wonderful! stupendous! should have children. Otherwise, why inflict this experience on someone, and why inflect the world with yet another mouth to feed?
14
So a person doesn't want to have a child. Big deal. All these reasons and excuses -- no! one! cares! And a childless adult woman going to the birthday party of a not-blood-relative coworker's two-year-old needs to learn how to say 'no, thank you' to such invitations.
16
Good grief, surely no one really expects a childless coworker to show up to their kid's party--unless the party is really an adult party in disguise, which happens. Otherwise, heck no. It's probably just an invitation to be polite, not because one is expected to say yes.
2
I have no quarrel with anyone's choice not to have kids, but I find that the people who specifically feel a need to write publicly about these choices are often vain and self-congratulatory. I've never actually met any of these supposed parents who think they're doing humanity a favor with their offspring, yet the loudly childless certainly seem to think they are helping to stave off "overpopulation" (never mind that it's consumption that's the real problem) -- it's just an absurd overestimation of the importance of one's personal decisions to the rest of the world. Of course, this isn't unique to writing about childlessness -- people love to feel persecuted for any lifestyle choice that even prompts questions from people, and to write about their persecution. "15 things people who ____ are tired of hearing."
11
I have nothing against children, but I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Dyer when it comes to parents. You don't want to get me started.
I'm child free and not apologizing for anything. The whys of it are no one's business but my own.
I'm child free and not apologizing for anything. The whys of it are no one's business but my own.
24
The human population on Earth is about four times the sustainable level, and affluenza-afflicted Americans are the most unsustainable type of human. How can anyone call choosing to be child-free selfish? It's the opposite.
I adopted a rescued mutt. He's wonderful.
I adopted a rescued mutt. He's wonderful.
28
Great article, as a baby boomer, with 2 grown children, my greatest regret was having these 2 ungrateful people.
15
ouch.
10
This could very well, single handily, be the greatest comment since the beginning of the NYTimes having a comment section.
1
I know a woman who lost her parents in a car crash when she was 18--and she had 3 younger sisters and a brother. Along with an aunt, she raised up those siblings herself and went to school at night. After going through all this, including refusing to go to sleep until every last sibling had come home safely after parties, proms and dates, she decided that was her mom 'duty' and wanted a child-free life afterward. Ultimately, she became an emergency room doctor. I have never met a more generous, loving, responsible person. There is usually always deep subtext to people's decisions which we should respect before harshly judging.
248
If truth were told, everyone would be taught that parenting is always more of a terrible hassle than anyone can bring themselves to mention, because we recognize that so many people already are dreaming of their version of the perfect home and family.
7
The year I turned 30 (so very often that womb-kicker, clock-ticker age for women), my parents lost their youngest child, my little brother. I don't talk about my folks' gut-wrenching heartbreak with my friends who are parents of young children. Not even when those friends (so very often) ask when I'm planning to have a child of my own.
2
I have never heard of parents deciding to have children on the basis of anyone else's interests but their own. They choose to have children for their own satisfaction, not for the benefit of others. In other words, the decision to have children is a fundamentally selfish decision.
25
Expensive pets, they are. Humans are displacing or destroying other life on earrth. As if it was created just for man. Someone below said that children are a vote for the future. Pure fantasy. The future has not gotten brigter with more children. Besides the soldiers in that mission, the children, are draftees. No one asked them if they wanted to be born. Life is cruel and uncertain for everyone and always ends badly. Parents don't consider that, what faces the child, only immediate gratification and attention of course. Conform.
11
Has anyone noticed that the points made by the childree are mainly based on reasoning and fact, while the points made by the childed are primarily based on emotion and sentiment?
Apparently some of us make decisions based on sensible, objective criteria and the other cohort makes decisions based on impulse and subjective feelings. And the sensible typically end up picking up the tab. Sigh.
Apparently some of us make decisions based on sensible, objective criteria and the other cohort makes decisions based on impulse and subjective feelings. And the sensible typically end up picking up the tab. Sigh.
24
What a rude thing to say.
So all parents are stupid and all childless people are smart.
The emotion driving most people to become parents is LOVE. It is an emotion worth experiencing in all its glory. It is not comparable to love of travel or pets or even a lover. If you don't want that level of love in your life, that's fine. But don't call the rest of us insensible for wanting to experience that.
So all parents are stupid and all childless people are smart.
The emotion driving most people to become parents is LOVE. It is an emotion worth experiencing in all its glory. It is not comparable to love of travel or pets or even a lover. If you don't want that level of love in your life, that's fine. But don't call the rest of us insensible for wanting to experience that.
1
I got voluntarily sterilized at age 21. Now age 58 and no regrets. Still one of the best decisions I ever made. Always knew I did not want to be a parent and wanted to devote my life to other occupations. I like kids, as long as they are other people's kids....
13
Same here, except I don't like kids. I'm not mean to them (though some of them definitely deserve unkindness) but I tolerate them, not enjoy them.
Know thyself, say the philosophers, and I know I do not have any desire nor talent for motherhood.
Know thyself, say the philosophers, and I know I do not have any desire nor talent for motherhood.
1
My millenial son is one of the many that has sworn off having children. His reasons are his only, and I don't question them. If I was in his shoes, I would probably feel the same way. Monetary struggles, lack of security, an overall Mad Max feel to the future. Who needs it? He'll go on to enjoy his fleeting cosmic lottery win and live his life to the fullest. Live and let live.
19
It is also possible that because the world is becoming overpopulated the nature is using more refined selection methods, for example weakening or completely eliminating the desire for procreation in certain individuals, those whose genes are presumably less beneficial to the evolution and survival of the human species. Just a century ago even having a public discussion on the topic would have been unimaginable. I am not sure that now, when the decision to stay childless is not anymore stigmatized this should necessarily be viewed as a sign of progress and liberation.
5
Wow. That's a pretty harsh judgment about people who choose nit to have children. It's their defective genes?
5
I sort of agree with you, although I would cast it more in economic terms: in this economy, parents need to devote enormously more time and resources to their children than in previous times, lest their offspring "fall behind." Practically, parents need to anticipate providing substantial financial support to their children into those children's 30's; assisting with grandchild expenses (when did it become almost a rule that grandparents purchase the schoolclothes?); and spend every evening and every weekend stuffing the child into extra sports, clubs, and tutoring. This kind of commitment is simply beyond the possible for parents earning only a little over minimum wage, working two jobs, etc. I think nature is somehow combining with economic/demographic realities to raise the cost of a child (money and time) to unappealing heights.
1
I'm not sure you understand how evolution and natural selection actually work.
1
Mr. Dyer and others who claim to hate children are no better than the children and parents they complain about. They should call us when they have something a little more profound to say on the subject.
To have or not to have children is a personal choice. We can all sympathize with those who want children of their own but are unable to conceive. Equally, we can understand those who don't feel the pull towards parenthood.
Neither group should feel compelled to justify themselves.
To have or not to have children is a personal choice. We can all sympathize with those who want children of their own but are unable to conceive. Equally, we can understand those who don't feel the pull towards parenthood.
Neither group should feel compelled to justify themselves.
12
Among the unregretful childless, I have not infrequently been compelled to explain to the more righteous and at turns condescending and pitying of my breeder acquaintances that it is they, more than I, who are the self-absorbed egotists wallowing in narcissistic delight at their genetic 'gifts' to humankind. And that really pales in comparison to their (perhaps innocent?) disregard for the consequences corollary to needless overuse of increasingly precious resources in an overpopulated world.
14
Regarding the choice not to have offspring because of over population, I have decided to stop eating because of the great numbers of people who don' t have enough food on their table. Long live logic!
4
False analogy (and thus illogical): no one ever died from not reproducing.
24
How many blogs by discontented childfree have you ever seen, compared to the thousands of mommy blogs wailing about the woes of having kids.... ?
20
Of course you see blogs by discontented childfree people. Check out the "Going Off" series right here in the Times - by a depressed woman trying to taper off her meds. It's so filled with navel-gazing that it's a shame she doesn't have kids to turn her attention to, instead of being so self-absorbed.
As for your earlier comment about the childless being purely rational and the parents being purely emotional: I have read 500+ comments here, and the childless readers most certainly express a host of emotions including:
HATRED - of children (do a search for "I hate kids")
ANGER - at parents (comments about their entitlement, etc...)
FEAR - of having kids in this economy, of ruining the planet, etc...
DISGUST - at the way kids are being raised these days, etc...
RESENTMENT - at having to pay taxes that benefit families, or just sharing the sidewalk with strollers
I have read a ton of grumbling by non-parents here. They don't seem happy at all, but rather full of bad feelings about kids, parents, the planet, etc...I could go on....
As for your earlier comment about the childless being purely rational and the parents being purely emotional: I have read 500+ comments here, and the childless readers most certainly express a host of emotions including:
HATRED - of children (do a search for "I hate kids")
ANGER - at parents (comments about their entitlement, etc...)
FEAR - of having kids in this economy, of ruining the planet, etc...
DISGUST - at the way kids are being raised these days, etc...
RESENTMENT - at having to pay taxes that benefit families, or just sharing the sidewalk with strollers
I have read a ton of grumbling by non-parents here. They don't seem happy at all, but rather full of bad feelings about kids, parents, the planet, etc...I could go on....
1
Did I read correctly? There's an actual trend toward more people having fewer children?
While that makes me happier than I should probably admit, it is worth restating that overpopulation remains the primary cause of many woes the world faces today.
It's not just that the decision to remain childless is the sensible (to me, obvious) choice to make, it may just be the most responsible.
While that makes me happier than I should probably admit, it is worth restating that overpopulation remains the primary cause of many woes the world faces today.
It's not just that the decision to remain childless is the sensible (to me, obvious) choice to make, it may just be the most responsible.
16
I am so very tired of the people who say they don't want to be parents and then point to clearly bad parents as the reason.
So don't be a bad parent, whose asking you to be a bad one?
As for the selfishness, I think it gets down to who and why.The man who says he hates children, yeah he deserves to be called selfish. Someone who just never had the urge or whose life isn't ordered that way, that's different.
So don't be a bad parent, whose asking you to be a bad one?
As for the selfishness, I think it gets down to who and why.The man who says he hates children, yeah he deserves to be called selfish. Someone who just never had the urge or whose life isn't ordered that way, that's different.
10
One thing this world is not short of is human beings. And since personality is inbred, it is fine with me if shallow, self centered individuals keep their genes from future generations.
10
Yes, and it's too bad so many of them decide to have children anyway.
18
Good idea. But how do you identify, and single-out as unfit, those "shallow, self-centered individuals"? For some unknown reasons, those people always just happen to be somebody else, not me.........
And shallow and self-centered individuals with children have transmitted their genes to future generations.
1
It appears that our US economy is not capable of sustaining a growing population of young people needing "good jobs." I cannot reconcile the constant cries that "we need more children to pay future taxes" with the reality that today's underemployed young people are themselves drawing heavily on public resources. I see no way at all that the economy can generate enough "good jobs" to absorb even the current numbers of young people coming of age. And the planet certainly cannot - see: California. I have never regretted not having children. I do not envy my peers' children or grandchildren (they are mostly consumed with worries about the children and grandchildren, and are setting aside their own dreams to funnel money - and time - to the kids.) I don't see this situation changing. Consider having only one child, or none. So many other ways to benefit the world, so many other things to do.
14
In today's America not having children is the only logical choice for those who are not rich and those who realize that our earth is a finite resource. It's not a social fashion trend.
14
If you don't want children, for whatever reasons, do not have them. That makes sense. Why is any further discussion required? People can't figure out major life decisions about their own lives and have to have others tell them what to do or not do, approve or disapprove? For the record, I have two young adults, enjoyed being a parent and do not regret it at all. But why would I want to encourage anyone who doesn't want children to have them? They are being selfish? Go for it! Be selfish! Or self absorbed, or don't want to spend the money, however the amount, to raise kids? Sounds like great reasons not to have kids to me!
14
Did you read the whole article? It's not always about being selfish or money. In my case, I feel I am being selfLESS by not having children, as I suffer from a mental illness and would not want to bring a child into an unstable environment. The true myth is that becoming a parent automatically makes you a better person. That's delusional. Parents are a thousand times more self-absorbed than non-parents, in general.
11
But if I hadn't had children, I couldn't have become a grandmother--and my three beloved grandchildren are a big part of why I love my life now at the age of 71.
9
Only children & grandchildren with your own DNA will do? There are plenty of existing kids who need nurturing, love and guidance. Not being a bio-parent does not mean one's life is necessarily devoid of young people.
18
Absolutely! Some people are more shocked by my curiosity about adopting & fostering children than by my decision not to have a child.
4
I appreciate the thoughtful discussion of this matter, by the author and the commentators.
Sadly, most children come into this world purely as a result of sexual desires being expressed, without any thought of the consequences.
Sadly, most children come into this world purely as a result of sexual desires being expressed, without any thought of the consequences.
14
Perhaps you generalize too widely. I am very old, and my children were by choice, not chance. As were most of those of other marrieds I knew or encountered - very few were "accidents".
Those who decide not to have children would do well to think about the social freedoms they have enjoyed and to consider whether they have a duty to pass these along to future generations. The transmission of customs and ideas starts with the parent and child. A culture cannot be sustained without children. In the present world, one with religious fanatics who seem to only be growing in number, the tendency of liberal populations to not reproduce is disheartening.
In the long run, the pride that liberals take in not having children is their achilles heel.
In the long run, the pride that liberals take in not having children is their achilles heel.
7
I don't think the decision to be child-free is an exclusively liberal trend. I also don't think it's a bad idea for people to volunteer to aid in population control, which we desperately need right now.
11
To "volunteer to aid in population control" is to make a reproductive martyr of yourself.
The more sensible response to overpopulation would be to apply a limit on the number of children (2..) one person can have.
The more sensible response to overpopulation would be to apply a limit on the number of children (2..) one person can have.
1
When I see the dwindling educational, career and financial choices for the middle class, coupled with increasing intrusion in to people's personal lives, sold to us in the interest of "security", I'm glad I choose not to father a child. We're living in a world that is becoming increasingly more repressive and is headed toward environmental calamity. Why would I want to inflict those grim possibilities on a child.
17
Your generation, my generation, my parents' generation and my grandparents' generation all had "grim possibilities" thrust upon them. And yet, here we are - "repressed" and "headed toward environmental calamity". Our ancestors seem to have coped: if they were handed lemons, they made lemonade. If war. hunger or other challenges were thrust upon them they confronted and coped and survived. That is how humanity works, whether you, personally, choose to participate or not......
1
I have a 2 year old son and I absolutely love it!
It was not an easy delivery for my wife. She was admitted in hospitable (bed-ridden) for 3 weeks before the delivery and our son is a preemie (born 8 weeks early weighing around 2 pounds). He was in hospital for around 8 weeks and went through several medications and procedures. Now our son is doing fairly well and we absolutely love every moment of it.
Was it a difficult period – yes. Did I ever wonder for a minute why we planned to have a kid – no. Will I try to have another kid – absolutely.
He is the best thing that has happened to me and I can’t imagine my life without him. Definitely our life has changed – no clubbing, no movies in theaters, less visits to fancy restaurants and different kind of vacations. However, what I have gained is million time better than these fancy things.
Here are few things that I have gained since having my son in my life- purpose, character and love. Selfless love that I receive from wife/son pushes me to be a better human being. I hope to excel in my life to be a role model to my son. I wish to give back to the society for the love that I have received. It gives me inner peace when I hold my son for hours in my arm. His smile gives me energy and enthusiasm.
It’s definitely a lot of work and patience but which activity does not require work – job, marriage or even a vacation planning.
It was not an easy delivery for my wife. She was admitted in hospitable (bed-ridden) for 3 weeks before the delivery and our son is a preemie (born 8 weeks early weighing around 2 pounds). He was in hospital for around 8 weeks and went through several medications and procedures. Now our son is doing fairly well and we absolutely love every moment of it.
Was it a difficult period – yes. Did I ever wonder for a minute why we planned to have a kid – no. Will I try to have another kid – absolutely.
He is the best thing that has happened to me and I can’t imagine my life without him. Definitely our life has changed – no clubbing, no movies in theaters, less visits to fancy restaurants and different kind of vacations. However, what I have gained is million time better than these fancy things.
Here are few things that I have gained since having my son in my life- purpose, character and love. Selfless love that I receive from wife/son pushes me to be a better human being. I hope to excel in my life to be a role model to my son. I wish to give back to the society for the love that I have received. It gives me inner peace when I hold my son for hours in my arm. His smile gives me energy and enthusiasm.
It’s definitely a lot of work and patience but which activity does not require work – job, marriage or even a vacation planning.
11
I couldn't agree more. Yes, having a child is tough and you have a lot of sacrifices, financially and socially. It can take a toll on your marriage as suddenly the entire focus of both partners is on a child that requires constant attention.
I'm not here to criticize anyone's decision not to have children. It's a free country and people can live as they wish. I do tire of reading all these child-free articles and invariably the upsides of parenting are eclipsed by the downsides.
Yes, there are challenges and in some ways it changes your life negatively. But in the 15 months that we've had our son, we've both experienced many moments of pure joy that neither of us would have it any other way.
I'm not here to criticize anyone's decision not to have children. It's a free country and people can live as they wish. I do tire of reading all these child-free articles and invariably the upsides of parenting are eclipsed by the downsides.
Yes, there are challenges and in some ways it changes your life negatively. But in the 15 months that we've had our son, we've both experienced many moments of pure joy that neither of us would have it any other way.
6
Now, as my flower petals fall off and blow into the wind, I get asked once/week why I didn't have any children. "You would have been a great mom!" they cry. "You'll be a lonely old lady," said an old lady. "That's selfish," declared my mother when I was 17 and announced my child-free fate.
At the time, I had older sisters who all gave up themselves for the kids: their identities, careers, and fashion sense. I'd seen these young women, fresh from college now with a baby, no longer explore art, literature and theater, but knew who the guests were on Oprah, Today Show and Sesame Street. I found them to be lost souls while my brothers-in-law gave up nothing--their identities, careers, explorations of life, sports, arts, all in tact.
I really have never seen the point of procreation in a world that's already overpopulated. If the tribe needed me to carry on the bloodline and increase its headcount, I'd have gladly obliged. Don't get me wrong, I love children and babies and have quasi-adopted many 20-somethings in my 10 years teaching at a university.
I just think too many women get caught up in the dim-witted female competition of cute babies, outrageous showers (I went to one that served a 9-layer cake, one for each month of baby's path ex-utero), endless baby bump photos, registering the baby's domain name, Gmail account and making pregnancy one big narcissistic rampage not driven by maternal instincts.
At the time, I had older sisters who all gave up themselves for the kids: their identities, careers, and fashion sense. I'd seen these young women, fresh from college now with a baby, no longer explore art, literature and theater, but knew who the guests were on Oprah, Today Show and Sesame Street. I found them to be lost souls while my brothers-in-law gave up nothing--their identities, careers, explorations of life, sports, arts, all in tact.
I really have never seen the point of procreation in a world that's already overpopulated. If the tribe needed me to carry on the bloodline and increase its headcount, I'd have gladly obliged. Don't get me wrong, I love children and babies and have quasi-adopted many 20-somethings in my 10 years teaching at a university.
I just think too many women get caught up in the dim-witted female competition of cute babies, outrageous showers (I went to one that served a 9-layer cake, one for each month of baby's path ex-utero), endless baby bump photos, registering the baby's domain name, Gmail account and making pregnancy one big narcissistic rampage not driven by maternal instincts.
52
A little off-topic, but New York being referred to as the “epicenter of class disparity and extreme wealth” really irks me. I'll grant you the latter, but I wouldn't paint NYC in that poor a light.
3
I. for one would be happy to spend the last few years of my life alone in exchange for a near lifetime of financial, intellectual, social and physical freedom. I see that as a fair trade-off.
23
You can attain the same results by committing a very serious crime..............except for the 'physical freedom' part. Unless you are a politician in a federal country-club prison.
Like I told my childless by choice son and daughter, who wondered who would take care of them when they were old, that extra $500K they would have, $250 being the cost of raising each child, will pay for a whole lot of exceptional nursing care.
2
Is this something we have to fight about? As a teacher, a parent, and a "big brother" I take great joy in children. While I was ambivalent about having children, I realized 24 hrs after bringing my first home, that I would gladly jump in front of a bus to save that child-(and probably for someone else's child). As a teacher, I've met a number of parents who should never have had children. While I can't imagine life without frequent interaction with my two grown children, I can imagine others, quite happy in a childless life. We certainly don't need the excess population, so I say live and let live.
21
'...that I would gladly jump in front of a bus to save that child...'
Don't pat yourself on your back too much for this. It is in our DNA. Nothing noble about it.
Don't pat yourself on your back too much for this. It is in our DNA. Nothing noble about it.
I don't get all the rhapsodizing: over kids and the utter bliss they bring and over choosing not to have kids and the blissful life that results. Get real. Every life has ups and downs, problems and pleasures. And we can never be 100% sure that the decisions we made are the best because we only experience the path we chose, not the one we didn't.
17
After stories like this, we always hear from scores of childless people who want praise for their decision to save the earth from overpopulation.
Sorry, but if you then mention that you loathe children, despise parents, prefer your child-free lifestyle, don't want to sacrifice your career, or just never made it work with Ms./Mr. Right - well, you'll excuse me if I hold off on your ticker-tape parade down Broadway.
Unless -- do I get an environmentalist medal every time I don't order endangered Chilean Sea Bass, even if I don't like it anyway and it's not on the menu???
Sorry, but if you then mention that you loathe children, despise parents, prefer your child-free lifestyle, don't want to sacrifice your career, or just never made it work with Ms./Mr. Right - well, you'll excuse me if I hold off on your ticker-tape parade down Broadway.
Unless -- do I get an environmentalist medal every time I don't order endangered Chilean Sea Bass, even if I don't like it anyway and it's not on the menu???
6
This is exactly why we need more dialogue on this topic so that this kind of ugly stereotype doesn't persist.
4
to anyone who derides this decision as 'selfish' I am more than happy to point out all the stupid teenagers who get knocked up and then abandon or abuse their kids; the women who ooops men to trap them; the thousands of kids who are beaten to death, starved, drowned, abandoned, thrown off bridges.... and all the people who have kids because 'everyone else does it.' As opposed to making a careful decision based on life experience.
20
Everyone is different and it would be wise to recognize that. I have great admiration for the parents who truly love being parents. They're very easy for me to pick out. My late father could not relate to pre-pubescent kids. They were just things to him. I remember this as a foggy image from childhood (and I eventually became his favorite!) and I witnessed it very clearly in his interactions with his grandchildren. Once they started to become little adults he could enjoy them but not until then. I take after him in this respect, and never wanted to raise children. The only regret I ever feel, at age 58 now, is that I didn't share the insight and opportunities my education and perspective might offer to another generation. These are advantages my father didn't have. But my children would have been terminally emotionally starved before the good could begin, so this regret does not last long.
5
As a woman and a mother, I seem to be the exception, in that I found my children as teenagers to be more fun and more interesting than they were as small children, who are cute and very boring.
I have two wonderful children in their mid-twenties. I would not trade them for the world.
That being said, about half my friends are childless, and they, too, would not trade their choices for the world. Of the five children in our extended family who make up my children's generation, I would be surprised if more than two of them ever had children.
Thank goodness for reliable birth control that gave my generation--and the one just before it--the ability to determine household size. Nothing has been more critical for improving the lives of women, or for opening up the possibility of reducing population growth.
That being said, about half my friends are childless, and they, too, would not trade their choices for the world. Of the five children in our extended family who make up my children's generation, I would be surprised if more than two of them ever had children.
Thank goodness for reliable birth control that gave my generation--and the one just before it--the ability to determine household size. Nothing has been more critical for improving the lives of women, or for opening up the possibility of reducing population growth.
24
I have a 20 month old and another on the way, and I can say with 110% certainty that parenthood is not for everyone. Children are a lifelong 24/7 commitment and I respect anyone who knows themselves well enough to not make such decisions lightly.
But one thing that so many child-averse adults seem to overlook is that parenting is all about choices. You can choose to fill your home to bursting with plastic tat or you can choose to avoid it. My husband and I have chosen to live in an urban area and walk everywhere, we use the public library, we line dry all our clothes indoors, we only buy what we can carry home on one arm. These are choices I make every day, even though half the time I curse the inconvenience of it all! Our carbon footprint as a family of (almost) four is smaller than that of a child-free suburban couple or even one individual.
Likewise you have a choice regarding the manner in which you raise your kids. You can choose to take shortcuts (TV, iPads, nannies, bribery, etc) or you can choose to put in the extra time, work and sacrifice that comes with investing your children with social skills. This comes back to the point that proper parenting is difficult and challenging, and not everyone's cup of tea.
But one thing that so many child-averse adults seem to overlook is that parenting is all about choices. You can choose to fill your home to bursting with plastic tat or you can choose to avoid it. My husband and I have chosen to live in an urban area and walk everywhere, we use the public library, we line dry all our clothes indoors, we only buy what we can carry home on one arm. These are choices I make every day, even though half the time I curse the inconvenience of it all! Our carbon footprint as a family of (almost) four is smaller than that of a child-free suburban couple or even one individual.
Likewise you have a choice regarding the manner in which you raise your kids. You can choose to take shortcuts (TV, iPads, nannies, bribery, etc) or you can choose to put in the extra time, work and sacrifice that comes with investing your children with social skills. This comes back to the point that proper parenting is difficult and challenging, and not everyone's cup of tea.
3
I will admit I probably read about 75 comments before imploring myself to contribute. Being in my late 20's, unmarried to my live-in boyfriend of 4 years, oh and yes, childless, I find there to be an extremely ignorant common notion in most of your responses toward childless people. This notion being that these people are choosing to remain as such because they feel as though they would make unfit parents.
As somebody who is currently internally battling with the idea to have children, not once did the thought, "I would probably be a bad parent," cross my mind. Now, don't get me wrong, there are those who feel no maternal or paternal urges inside of their bodies, and that is ok, but those of you with children should understand the fiscal responsibilities atop the social ones of having children. Your life is no longer your own...
I commend you deeply for having children just as much as some of you may commend those for choosing not to have children. My decision is ranked upon many factors, such as my decision to return to graduate school, the fact that I do like to leave the house without consulting with another party, and most importantly, the fact that I'm probably not even remotely financially stable.
As somebody who is currently internally battling with the idea to have children, not once did the thought, "I would probably be a bad parent," cross my mind. Now, don't get me wrong, there are those who feel no maternal or paternal urges inside of their bodies, and that is ok, but those of you with children should understand the fiscal responsibilities atop the social ones of having children. Your life is no longer your own...
I commend you deeply for having children just as much as some of you may commend those for choosing not to have children. My decision is ranked upon many factors, such as my decision to return to graduate school, the fact that I do like to leave the house without consulting with another party, and most importantly, the fact that I'm probably not even remotely financially stable.
6
My life is not my own in the most wonderful, remarkable, and transformative way I could never have imagined! As mom to a 16month old, I put on hold my doctoral studies to be home and yes it has been exhausting and challenging in all ways you mention. I am returning to my work now, but when i look into her face, the delay was worth it. The proposition of raising another human being who will carry on our progressive drive, tolerance, environmental protectivist spirit, drive to learn, thirst for knowlege, and who will thrive on applying that knowledge to making the world a better place made the decision an easy one for my spouse and I. The rewards are so much greater than the tradeoffs, and if friends who are firefighters and nurses and busdrivers and flight attendants and teachers and school counselors are all having children and making it work financially, you will also be ok.
1
My life after having a child? More financial security, and career advancement than ever. Is there also a correlation to increased maturity and being over 30? Sure, but this notion that as a parent, you surrender all stability, freedom, and ownership of your life to diapers, bill collectors, and Mommy groups is simply based on ONE type of lifestyle. Not only did I get a master's after becoming a mother, but I bought a home and have experienced a general increase in life quality, both socially AND financially.
Having children does not equate to lack of "fiscal" responsibility, or understanding how to plan; I made smart choices, like moving out of the tristate area (while still close enough to enjoy NYC cultural offerings), partnering with a like-minded (and responsible) person, and using education to bolster not only my career, but my income. I made a purposeful choice in a partner, and although he does prefer that I inform him of my whereabouts (as I'm sure your partner does), I assure you that I don't require his permission to attend social engagements or most other activities childless people participate in. Yes, there are some couples who do not work this way. I would not function well in those situations, so I didn't choose that.
Life is what you make it. Parent or not, one can be happy, stable, and independent. Anyone who tells you otherwise perhaps made the wrong choice for himself, or pontificates on a subject with which he has no actual experience.
Having children does not equate to lack of "fiscal" responsibility, or understanding how to plan; I made smart choices, like moving out of the tristate area (while still close enough to enjoy NYC cultural offerings), partnering with a like-minded (and responsible) person, and using education to bolster not only my career, but my income. I made a purposeful choice in a partner, and although he does prefer that I inform him of my whereabouts (as I'm sure your partner does), I assure you that I don't require his permission to attend social engagements or most other activities childless people participate in. Yes, there are some couples who do not work this way. I would not function well in those situations, so I didn't choose that.
Life is what you make it. Parent or not, one can be happy, stable, and independent. Anyone who tells you otherwise perhaps made the wrong choice for himself, or pontificates on a subject with which he has no actual experience.
1
>
Not having kids is not that heroic or authentic, but not having a spouse and kids, now there is an Olympian achievement. Now you have accomplished something; you have overcome the greatest instinct in nature, Eros (the life instinct). For you saw through the dumb will, presumption, and most of all the lies.
Not having kids is not that heroic or authentic, but not having a spouse and kids, now there is an Olympian achievement. Now you have accomplished something; you have overcome the greatest instinct in nature, Eros (the life instinct). For you saw through the dumb will, presumption, and most of all the lies.
How many parents have children for the sake of benefitting humanity (selfless), versus having children simply because of their own desire to have them without regard to the impact of adding to an already over-populated planet (selfish)?
14
Having kids is the stupidest financial decision I've ever made. Yet nothing else has given me such joy and imbued my life with as much meaning.
Regarding the many comments about overpopulation (wrong, but too off-topic to refute without a long digression), I heartily recommend adoption. My youngest child ( adopted) complains that his older sister (also adopted) is my favorite. My biological son in the middle is less concerned about the issue.
And now my daughter is pregnant. As was the case for me and my wife, its a financially unwise move and we are all happy and excited. I'm esprcially looking forward to being a grandpa.
I totally respect people choosing to be child-free. And I'm a bit envious of your financial situation. But I wouldn't trade places.
Regarding the many comments about overpopulation (wrong, but too off-topic to refute without a long digression), I heartily recommend adoption. My youngest child ( adopted) complains that his older sister (also adopted) is my favorite. My biological son in the middle is less concerned about the issue.
And now my daughter is pregnant. As was the case for me and my wife, its a financially unwise move and we are all happy and excited. I'm esprcially looking forward to being a grandpa.
I totally respect people choosing to be child-free. And I'm a bit envious of your financial situation. But I wouldn't trade places.
100
Love your response. Being a grandparent is the best thing that has happened to me and just by reading your letter I can tell you will feel the same way. Congratulations !
I really like your balanced reply, Ed. And they're really true, aren't they, those up-and-down feelings that go with raising a family.
I am child-free, and happen to be in the camp that believes the number one source of global environmental problems is overpopulation--but that is not why I am child-free. I never had the desire to nurture a young life, or to go through the work it takes--but I do not decry those who choose a family. Most do.
Instead of kids, I have spent my career in devising solutions to make the environment cleaner, working with government to ask them to fund environmental projects, and educating about same. And Ed, I am child-free, but definitely nowhere near financially rich. I am happy with the things money cannot buy. Glad you're happy, too.
I am child-free, and happen to be in the camp that believes the number one source of global environmental problems is overpopulation--but that is not why I am child-free. I never had the desire to nurture a young life, or to go through the work it takes--but I do not decry those who choose a family. Most do.
Instead of kids, I have spent my career in devising solutions to make the environment cleaner, working with government to ask them to fund environmental projects, and educating about same. And Ed, I am child-free, but definitely nowhere near financially rich. I am happy with the things money cannot buy. Glad you're happy, too.
Why do people who decide their are soooo enlightened in their decision to not have children feel compelled to write opinion pieces ad nauseum touting their so called enlightenment?
Yeah, that's right, you have no responsibility to create and nurture the next generation. Then, of course, you'll complain bitterly when the school boards and Congress are taken over by people who don't share your educated and tolerant values (values you didn't think you needed to invest any effort in passing on) and instead insist there is no such thing as climate change or evolution. But, hey, you'll have a really great career, nice big cars and houses, and lots of toys to prove that your self-interested life wasn't entirely wasted.
Also note that those who eschew parenthood tend to be members of Gen-X. Why does this not surprise me?
Yeah, that's right, you have no responsibility to create and nurture the next generation. Then, of course, you'll complain bitterly when the school boards and Congress are taken over by people who don't share your educated and tolerant values (values you didn't think you needed to invest any effort in passing on) and instead insist there is no such thing as climate change or evolution. But, hey, you'll have a really great career, nice big cars and houses, and lots of toys to prove that your self-interested life wasn't entirely wasted.
Also note that those who eschew parenthood tend to be members of Gen-X. Why does this not surprise me?
2
I was with you until the sentence on Gen-X. Any actual stats to back up that hating?
4
What a nice article on the issues.
I hope addressing the issue of selfishness will allow us to leave it behind. Some people are selfish and some are less selfish. Having children of one's own, biological or adopted or in-between, really has nothing to do with it.
I hope addressing the issue of selfishness will allow us to leave it behind. Some people are selfish and some are less selfish. Having children of one's own, biological or adopted or in-between, really has nothing to do with it.
9
To those who are concerned that opting out of having children will result in a lonely old age- how about we form a a club in which we all help each other out, and enjoy each others' company, and drive each other home from the doctor, and secure care facilities for each other when the time comes? We are only as lonely and isolated as we choose to be, and just because it has been tradition for one's own flesh to be one's primary source of care and companionship in old age does not mean that it is the only way.
20
If enough people are childless, we can as a society go the way of places like Italy, a great place but with a slowly aging population, where young people hardly fit in any more and the society has to import people from Somalia and the Philippines to work as caregivers for the elderly. Demographically speaking, a society without children will end up with no labor force and no one to pay the bills for the steadily aging childless population.
3
Do you have something against Somalians or Filipinos? If not, what's your point?
4
The fact is, we're nowhere near that point. Indeed, if more first-world countries relaxed their immigration rules, no country would have the problems associated with an aging population. Alas, those countries would rather keep their population "pure" than allow the "impure" in.
To see just how dire the situation is, take a look at this:
http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
Note, in particular, the number of births per day compared to the number of deaths per day.
To see just how dire the situation is, take a look at this:
http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
Note, in particular, the number of births per day compared to the number of deaths per day.
2
My spouse and I both have genetically heritable diseases that can be fatal. We were certain of bearing sick children who would suffer terribly and possibly die young. At age twenty-seven I had a tubal ligation. I was immensely relieved. Whether or not I wished for children mattered not; as it happened, I did not. If you want children, have them. If you don't, don't. As Alex Ross writes in another context, the rest is noise.
8
This article and some of the comments talk about the pressure from society to have kids. Until I read this, I didn't realize there was that pressure! I think some of you may be interpreting this based on your own situations. Why would anyone care who else has children? It's never even crossed my mind. I just want everyone to be happy in their own way. Enjoy.
4
Our culture has become obsessed with the individual, i.e. narcissism and the frantic exploration of "options". Why is it surprising that so many would forgo parenthood (which according to Darwinian dogma is the supreme drive of life) when there are trips to Tuscany and backpacking in Bhutan awaiting ? Nothing must impinge on our precious freedom !
(Elective childlessness, by the way, obliterates the assumptions of the pseudoscience known as evolutionary psychology. If natural selection can't motivate us to reproduce, how can it influence other behaviors like shopping or asking for directions ?)
(Elective childlessness, by the way, obliterates the assumptions of the pseudoscience known as evolutionary psychology. If natural selection can't motivate us to reproduce, how can it influence other behaviors like shopping or asking for directions ?)
1
I'm an only child of older parents. My fater was almost 42 when I was born, and my mother 35. Doesn't seem very old to you? Well, in 1943, it was ancient!
I always knew, even as a small child, that I wanted to be a mother. It was the only career ambition I ever had. I only had two and would have lived more but couldn't possibly afford more.
I was very lucky when my children were small, that I lived in a neighborhood with multiple large Catholic families. If I needed adult company, all I needed to do was come out on my front steps with my children and their Tykebikes. I soon had company.
I loved being a mother. Yea, I got tired. Yes, we didn't have enough money. Yes, my marriage failed (not due to children!) when my children were very young. I was lucky to marry again, a man who adored and was adored by, my children.
I did not allow my children to be obnoxious brats. Nor did I helicopter. In today's terms, I was a "free range" mother - all the mothers on my block were.
My children are now in their 40's and I have 4 grandchildren. The eldest will be 15 tomorrow. One of my greatest rewards has been to see my own children become superb parents.
People wait too late to have children today. One needs all the physical and emotional energy possible and that means having ones children before one is 30. One should have them before they have a ton of discretionary income as it's hard to give up all those extras later. Nothing is more rewarding.
I always knew, even as a small child, that I wanted to be a mother. It was the only career ambition I ever had. I only had two and would have lived more but couldn't possibly afford more.
I was very lucky when my children were small, that I lived in a neighborhood with multiple large Catholic families. If I needed adult company, all I needed to do was come out on my front steps with my children and their Tykebikes. I soon had company.
I loved being a mother. Yea, I got tired. Yes, we didn't have enough money. Yes, my marriage failed (not due to children!) when my children were very young. I was lucky to marry again, a man who adored and was adored by, my children.
I did not allow my children to be obnoxious brats. Nor did I helicopter. In today's terms, I was a "free range" mother - all the mothers on my block were.
My children are now in their 40's and I have 4 grandchildren. The eldest will be 15 tomorrow. One of my greatest rewards has been to see my own children become superb parents.
People wait too late to have children today. One needs all the physical and emotional energy possible and that means having ones children before one is 30. One should have them before they have a ton of discretionary income as it's hard to give up all those extras later. Nothing is more rewarding.
7
'...Nothing is more rewarding...'
To you.
To you.
1
I almost always read any NYT essay all the way through, but after getting halfway through this one and wondering, "When is it going to say something original or significant?" I gave up. Good promotion for a movie and a book of essays, but other than that I don't see what the point of this is. I have kids. I have friends who have kids. I have friends who don't have kids. I don't care. I don't think you're selfish if you don't have kids. I think you're a bit selfish if you do. But, really, I don't care. This kind of silly fluff tends to show up when somebody knows somebody who can help get them published. When the NYT does this, it weakens the overall quality of this fine publication. But, basically, I don't care, except that I wasted time reading this and am bored enough to respond.
14
I think you and I would get along famously. Excellent response.
One should consider the collective implications of the choice not to have children, not just the personal implications.
Children by and large grow up with the values of their parents, even if expressed differently. As they age, this certainly becomes even more true. I don't know of research on the subject, but in my experience the preponderance of those choosing not to have children -- as well as those choosing to have fewer children -- are much more politically and socially liberal than those who choose to have children or more children.
The inexorable implication of this is that liberalism does not reproduce the way conservatism does. Thus, liberals who choose not to have kids are collectively acting in a way that is, in the long run, contrary to their values.
Both genetics and culture paint a self-limiting future for liberal values if and to the extent liberals refrain from having children. Child-bearing decisions are absolutely a personal decision, but recognition of that cannot negate collective implications.
Children by and large grow up with the values of their parents, even if expressed differently. As they age, this certainly becomes even more true. I don't know of research on the subject, but in my experience the preponderance of those choosing not to have children -- as well as those choosing to have fewer children -- are much more politically and socially liberal than those who choose to have children or more children.
The inexorable implication of this is that liberalism does not reproduce the way conservatism does. Thus, liberals who choose not to have kids are collectively acting in a way that is, in the long run, contrary to their values.
Both genetics and culture paint a self-limiting future for liberal values if and to the extent liberals refrain from having children. Child-bearing decisions are absolutely a personal decision, but recognition of that cannot negate collective implications.
2
Anyone seen Idiocracy? Unfortunately, I think we're heading that way.
6
I and my wife remained childless until we were almost 40. (We now have a three year old.). I've seen it from both sides.
.
Single people and childless couples don't know what stress is. When your child is sick, a doctor is saying he needs surgery, your mortgage bill is on your desk, your car needs new tires, and you're falling behind at work - it changes your perspective. Before I had my Son, I might have gotten mad about an interrupted ping pong game. But now that just seems petty.
.
"The only thing I hate more than kids, is parents,". OK, Mr. Dyer. I hate you, too.
.
Single people and childless couples don't know what stress is. When your child is sick, a doctor is saying he needs surgery, your mortgage bill is on your desk, your car needs new tires, and you're falling behind at work - it changes your perspective. Before I had my Son, I might have gotten mad about an interrupted ping pong game. But now that just seems petty.
.
"The only thing I hate more than kids, is parents,". OK, Mr. Dyer. I hate you, too.
1
'...Single people and childless couples don't know what stress is...'
You chose this path.
You chose this path.
1
I don't think people without children are selfish, but they do give up a chance to know themselves that is unparalleled.
2
more or less, my feelings. I never had much interest in kids and nearly everyone's experiences have proved to me that I made the right decision. I have zero interest in spending time with kids, playing with kids, going to kiddy parties. And I am not especially impressed with today's generation parents, who in short, seem to be the worst ever. If I had kids, I'd be worried about sending them to school with today's Princes and Princesses, having to deal with their freaked out, obsessed uber-parents, not to mention that half of them seem to be unvaccinated. I think I get much more out of my work, my social life and other relationships, and I am also happy that I don't have to spend most of my money on a kid, since I don't make that much to begin with.
10
The thing is, no matter what choice a woman makes about having children, that she should continue to have a CHOICE, in all 50 states, without some extremist group deciding for her what she can and can not do. I would have hoped that this would have been a point of agreement by now in the so-called "land of the free."
20
Growing up 50 years ago and having children 24 years ago, I find current American life completely anti-family. Compare my social situation with what parents currently face.
Education--public schools were good, higher education in Calif. was essentially free and community college was free.
Healthcare--I imagine my father had some kind of health insurance, but it was not a big deal. I even paid cash 35 years ago when I had to go to the ER. No one I knew was ever denied care, nor was bankrupted by medical care.
Employment--A job during high school and college was there for the asking. You were told to start and fill out the application after you finished that day. Pay was sufficient to put gas in the car ($.29/gallon) and cheap used cars were everywhere.
Housing--Rent was cheap--dirt cheap. And I grew up on So. Calif. No one I knew had problems paying rent. It was never an issue.
Childcare--A single income was sufficient to raise a family. Two-income families had the luxury of using the second income for extras.
Contrast that with today and it is a wonder anyone wants to bring a child into this Country (we are not a society so I won't use that term). It is everyone for themselves, financial issues at every turn and a bleak economic future.
If you think about the cost of college in 20 years, the average wages, cost of housing, cost of healthcare, destruction of the middle class, etc., there is no way one would rationally bring a child into this Country.
Education--public schools were good, higher education in Calif. was essentially free and community college was free.
Healthcare--I imagine my father had some kind of health insurance, but it was not a big deal. I even paid cash 35 years ago when I had to go to the ER. No one I knew was ever denied care, nor was bankrupted by medical care.
Employment--A job during high school and college was there for the asking. You were told to start and fill out the application after you finished that day. Pay was sufficient to put gas in the car ($.29/gallon) and cheap used cars were everywhere.
Housing--Rent was cheap--dirt cheap. And I grew up on So. Calif. No one I knew had problems paying rent. It was never an issue.
Childcare--A single income was sufficient to raise a family. Two-income families had the luxury of using the second income for extras.
Contrast that with today and it is a wonder anyone wants to bring a child into this Country (we are not a society so I won't use that term). It is everyone for themselves, financial issues at every turn and a bleak economic future.
If you think about the cost of college in 20 years, the average wages, cost of housing, cost of healthcare, destruction of the middle class, etc., there is no way one would rationally bring a child into this Country.
58
If you really knew the tax code, you wouldn't think that parents were getting such a great tax break. The one person who is childless in my family is actually doing a lot for families with kids through a teaching career, but, as a former financial analyst, I would say that it's generally the families who ultimately subsidize the childfree, in part because most who have children have to work longer to have a comfortable retirement, they pay higher property taxes because they had to purchase a larger home for the family, and they have more earned income and thus pay more in taxes even after the children are grown and have left the home, not to mention that the childfree benefit from countless unpaid hours of working to bring up the children. Not that I have anything against singles and childless couples; all sorts of people are needed to make up a vibrant population, and if a person doesn't want to marry and/or have children, it's probably best that he or she doesn't.
2
I do really know the tax code, and the Social Security Administration policies, and the policies of other public programs, and you could not be more wrong, CM.
1
What about all of us that pay school taxes and have no kids and pay a higher percentage of tax since we have no dependants? Not everyone who has kids have big houses, that is a huge generalization. Many people who have many kids cannot afford them and rely on government support . What about this people? To say people who have kids work more in also insane. Eveyone I know with kids is constantly taking off for appts at school/ doctor's appts etc and they are the first ones to leave at 6:00pm on the dot while the rest of us continue to work.
4
Out of curiosity, how do your taxes subsidize the childfree? What services do they need that people with kids do not? Also, how do people without kids benefit from the hours others spend raising theirs? Do you mean that free time is a perk or that children are a benefit to people without them? I appreciate your well reasoned tone, but this doesn't totally add up to me.
6
I have three kids. I love my children dearly. Raising children is a serious and long term responsibility, and it should only be undertaken by people who genuinely want to raise children. The last thing the world needs is more children born to thoughtless, impulsive people who weren't prepared to raise them and didn't truly want them in the first place.
Although they've made a very different choice than I did, I deeply respect people who took a hard look at parenthood and said "that is not for me." It takes strength to swim upstream of the dominant culture.
The truly selfish are not childless/childfree people. The truly selfish are the know-it-all busybodies who think they have some God-given prerogative to comment on other people's most significant and personal choices in life.
Although they've made a very different choice than I did, I deeply respect people who took a hard look at parenthood and said "that is not for me." It takes strength to swim upstream of the dominant culture.
The truly selfish are not childless/childfree people. The truly selfish are the know-it-all busybodies who think they have some God-given prerogative to comment on other people's most significant and personal choices in life.
121
This is the best comment of all. Well said!
I did not have children because I was raised by cold,uncaring,abusive,neglectful woman who should never have had one child, let alone five.I was afraid to have children, for fear I would morph into her. I don’t know if I would have been a good mother, but I wasn’t about to take any chances.
As for the claim that woman who choose not to have children are selfish and self -centered : I’ve spent thousands of hours changing dirty diapers,rocking colicky babies, caring for and doting on my 5 nieces, 5 nephews and (thus far) two great-nephews, and I’ve done it with pleasure.I’m their favorite aunt of many. They’ve told me so.
Well, I suppose I am a tad self-centered.I did suggest to my niece that I was ready to have another great-niece or nephew.She made it very clear that she was done after two. I’ll keep my mouth shut from now on. I am hoping that my other nieces and nephews provide me with additional great -nieces and nephews to dote on.
My niece realized very quickly,but after the fact, that she was not cut out for motherhood.I have never seen her so unhappy. She started law school with a
10 month old and 2 year old and was at the law library until midnight until she graduated recently. Now she is studying for the bar exam. I am sure my great-nephews ,young as they are,realize that they aren’t exactly their mother’s top priority. All I can do,is my best as an aunt to make them feel special.
No regrets .
As for the claim that woman who choose not to have children are selfish and self -centered : I’ve spent thousands of hours changing dirty diapers,rocking colicky babies, caring for and doting on my 5 nieces, 5 nephews and (thus far) two great-nephews, and I’ve done it with pleasure.I’m their favorite aunt of many. They’ve told me so.
Well, I suppose I am a tad self-centered.I did suggest to my niece that I was ready to have another great-niece or nephew.She made it very clear that she was done after two. I’ll keep my mouth shut from now on. I am hoping that my other nieces and nephews provide me with additional great -nieces and nephews to dote on.
My niece realized very quickly,but after the fact, that she was not cut out for motherhood.I have never seen her so unhappy. She started law school with a
10 month old and 2 year old and was at the law library until midnight until she graduated recently. Now she is studying for the bar exam. I am sure my great-nephews ,young as they are,realize that they aren’t exactly their mother’s top priority. All I can do,is my best as an aunt to make them feel special.
No regrets .
17
As an old Geezer who grew up and raised a family in the mid-20th Century, all I can say is DON'T. Back in the day, when you graduated from high school, and even for the few who were able to go to college, your life path was already laid out for you, by society and your peers: military, marriage, college, job, family. Not always in that order. It was what was "expected" from you, not always what was best for you or your abilities. I believe we have progressed beyond that. Hopefully. But, please, never have a family because it is what is "expected". Do it, if it is what you want. And have the capacity, financially and personally, to do it right........
47
Let's see. In a country where a stable career is about as realistic as a trip to the moon on gossamer wings, the 'safety net' seems to be macrame, private schools cost a fortune, public schools have become testing centres for the next generation of disposable worker bees (with the school-to-prison pipeline at the ready for those who falter), and parents are potentially subjected to criminal charges for being anything less than perfect supervisors and coaches, why WOULDN'T people rush to have kids? Beats me ...
30
Once you have kids, the world has got you by the throat.
18
“Not to have a child is a very personal, visceral decision,” I agree. Sadly, the article postulates it as a trend, which it not. Childlessness is an aberration, by nature or by choice. Those interviewed were in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s – career- career-focused and self-absorbed. Catch them in their 60’s and beyond. They may sing a different song.
There are all kinds of narcissistic reasons for deciding to be childless / child-free. Certain life styles demand it with particular age groups. Some people confuse child rearing with parenting; one is episodic and the other ephemeral. Once a parent, always a parent.
There are all kinds of narcissistic reasons for deciding to be childless / child-free. Certain life styles demand it with particular age groups. Some people confuse child rearing with parenting; one is episodic and the other ephemeral. Once a parent, always a parent.
7
Having a child is a wonderful experience.
If you have half a spine you will feel no need to keep up with your local Helicopter Parents or Tiger Moms and their never ending parade of nonsensical child rearing.
If you have half a spine you will feel no need to keep up with your local Helicopter Parents or Tiger Moms and their never ending parade of nonsensical child rearing.
25
The prejudice and stereotyping of non parent adults, has had more human and social costs than anyone is willing to admit. I had an unstable life, both parents died by the time I was 15. And there is a self sufficiency that develops early under these circumstances. There is as much a responsibility to NOT have children, as there is to have them optimally.
The IRRESPONSIBLE among us, who have children regardless of economic and/or marital status, DO force the rest of us to accommodate them. Anything from illegal immigration, to the welfare state, to the crime, incarceration and poverty rates, is DIRECTLY attributable to people who CHOSE to place children in a situation that cannot nurture them effectively. And it emotionally blackmails everyone. And because of this, there is MORE of the same pathology.
So the shaming of those who don't want or choose not to have children, isn't rational. Let alone sensible.
One can't always decide what their economic, health or marital status will be. But the status of parent, definitely is one.
The IRRESPONSIBLE among us, who have children regardless of economic and/or marital status, DO force the rest of us to accommodate them. Anything from illegal immigration, to the welfare state, to the crime, incarceration and poverty rates, is DIRECTLY attributable to people who CHOSE to place children in a situation that cannot nurture them effectively. And it emotionally blackmails everyone. And because of this, there is MORE of the same pathology.
So the shaming of those who don't want or choose not to have children, isn't rational. Let alone sensible.
One can't always decide what their economic, health or marital status will be. But the status of parent, definitely is one.
15
Not having kids is basically like not voting. You're shifting the burden of making the world a better place onto other people. That's your right, of course! Maybe you know so little about the issues that your vote would make us all worse off. But don't make it out like it's anything particularly noble.
63
@Xerxes On the other hand, I can think of quite a few people who, had their parents decided to *not* have children, would have made 'the world a better place'. There is no perfect choice.
16
Your child cured cancer?! Post a link, because that's amazing! Adding more people to the planet isn't making the world a better place; it's the most basic of biology.
14
Actually, aside from the fact that even with our best efforts our children may turn out to make the world a much worse place - we childfree folk are making the world a better place by not overcrowding it. Did you happen to read the op-ed article on California's water problems? Do you understand the myriad issues of anthopocene climate change (or do you perhaps just not believe in it)?
The only contribution I can make to the overpopulation issue is not to have any kids. One of WS Gilbert's characters disinherited an only son he didn't have - 'that way he'll born ready disinherited; it saves time. ... If I can't disinherit my own unborn son, whose unborn son *can* I disinherit, I'd like to know!' Similarly, the only children I can *not* have are my own. Not much I can do about anyone else's.
The only contribution I can make to the overpopulation issue is not to have any kids. One of WS Gilbert's characters disinherited an only son he didn't have - 'that way he'll born ready disinherited; it saves time. ... If I can't disinherit my own unborn son, whose unborn son *can* I disinherit, I'd like to know!' Similarly, the only children I can *not* have are my own. Not much I can do about anyone else's.
7
>
“To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both -- a philosopher.”
Nietzsche
“To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both -- a philosopher.”
Nietzsche
6
>
Not having kids is not that heroic or authentic, but not having a spouse and kids, now there is an Olympian achievement. Now you have accomplished something; you have overcome the greatest instinct in nature, Eros (the life instinct). For you saw through the dumb will, presumption, and most of all the lies.
Not having kids is not that heroic or authentic, but not having a spouse and kids, now there is an Olympian achievement. Now you have accomplished something; you have overcome the greatest instinct in nature, Eros (the life instinct). For you saw through the dumb will, presumption, and most of all the lies.
1
Procreating is totally selfish and narcissistic. How is unborn child better off exposed to a world of risks and eventual death. Zero. Is a child handicapped from birth better off. Not by any rational thought. She has suffer a lifetime because the parents rolled the dice. Procreating is immoral because the child who takes on all the risk is not given a choice.
12
so in your ideal world no more children would be born. and the current population would die poverty-stricken, uncared-for and alone.
That's flat out crazy.
Curious that the article shows no apparent appreciation of demographics and the impact of sharply lower fertility rates on the economic health and prosperity of nations. For the U.S., the shortage of babies is being made up by immigration which has its own set of challenges and implications. Japan and China, which do not have immigration of any significance, are facing quite dire situations with their aging populations. China's predicament of course is the result of its one-child social engineering of previous decades which, I suspect, like couples who decide not to have children, seemed like a good idea at the time.
4
Want kids? Great. Don't want kids? Great. My issue with this piece is the premise: We're told that there's a "recent surge in childlessness by choice." OK...the writer cites statistics showing that "the percentage of childless women ages 40 to 44 doubled from 1976 to 2006, when the figure stood at over one-fifth of women." How about now? "The numbers have tailed off slightly since 2006, to about 15 percent." Umm...that doesn't seem to be surging. That seems to be ebbing. (I notice how, rather than using the "20 percent" figure in 2006, the writer says "one-fifth" instead - maybe hoping I can't convert the latter into the former, and noticing that the "doubling" he cites has already been eroded by half - not quite "tailing off slightly.")
10
I've never wanted kids.....ever. So I didn't have them. After an early, miserable marriage I decided to never marry again.....so I didn't. I've had a full, free life where I can make my own choices. It's wonderful. Period.
30
I've been married and divorced, I'm child-free and 72 years old. At this point I don't regret it. The only thing I miss is more money in the bank.
11
Frankly, most of us with kids don't care about the reproductive choices of childless folk. From an evolutionary perspective, these people are wholly irrelevant...genetic dead ends. If anything, we should be thanking you for increasing our relative procreative influence.
10
Genetic dead ends who get up and go to work every day to provide plenty of bennies for you procreators and your offspring. But your attitude is typical of the narcissism and ingratitude of parents.
4
No way! Hillary Clinton was right when she said it takes a village. I know for sure that I have had great influence in my friends' childrens' lives. And their influence continues on to future generations if they choose to have children. We absolutely are all evolutionarily relevant. For too many, I fear that is the only reason they have children.
1
There's so much you can give mankind more relevant than your genetic material, if only you have a clue!
Do we remember Marie Curie, Fleming, Shakespeare, Einstein, Michelangelo, Harper Lee (...) for their children?
Talent is way more valuable to any civilization than genes.
Do we remember Marie Curie, Fleming, Shakespeare, Einstein, Michelangelo, Harper Lee (...) for their children?
Talent is way more valuable to any civilization than genes.
10
"a clear demonstration that the right of parents and their children to do whatever they please have priority over everyone else's" I don't remember child culture ever being so pervasive when I was a child there where places for children and places for adults. But I am sorry to say that in 2015 there are no safe havens for adults that do not wish to hear crying children. I can see a future for all those that do not wish to have children breaking off to form a separate Nation. The nation of CHILD FREE AND OVER 40 with liberty and justice and quite for all
13
Having children is a major lifestyle choice...with huge financial and career implications...no one should judge someone on whether they want to have children or not...or how many children to have....
7
The problem with having children is that you cannot stop loving them. There is no 'do over', no divorce, not 'this is not working for me', no 'commitment issues', you are bound together for life.
This is wonderful in more ways than can be counted, but it is also terrible in more ways than can be counted.
"I love this kid so much that its changed my whole life. I love other people more because of how much I love her. I love people that died years ago more. My love has traveled time because of how completely I love her and she loves me back. She’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before and I regret every decision that led to her birth’. That’s how it feels.” - Louie CK
This is wonderful in more ways than can be counted, but it is also terrible in more ways than can be counted.
"I love this kid so much that its changed my whole life. I love other people more because of how much I love her. I love people that died years ago more. My love has traveled time because of how completely I love her and she loves me back. She’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before and I regret every decision that led to her birth’. That’s how it feels.” - Louie CK
2
What I find fascinating in these comments is the running theme of some who "never wanted kids" and some who "always wanted kids." I suspect that this is typical: I'm in the latter category, and it was never something I thought about or debated internally or with other people. I have no idea where this view of oneself/one's life stems from (genes? one's own family life growing up?). Given that, it's unfair that those who do not have children are often asked to give reasons for remaining childless: perhaps there simply are no reasons, really, and it's just a matter of, "This is how I see myself, and always have."
19
The reasons people have children, or don't, are as varied as human nature itself. I've known people who should have never had children. They were immature with no real sense of responsibility. Many were addicted to drugs. I've also known people who had children and raised them in a loving atmosphere. As well, I have friends who have no plans to have children. I've never criticized anyone for whatever decision they made (regarding children). And to those who are critical of peoples decision not to pro-create I have a simple reply. It's none of your business. Period.
6
Even by optimistic measures the earth is overpopulated. The decision to not have kids should be applauded. It should also be the subsidized form of family - not the current method that rewards fecundity. Even if we stopped having kids across the globe today, it would take 20-40 years (and maybe longer) to get to a sustainable population at current 55 million worldwide annual deaths per year. At the moment, at our current global numbers and growth rate, we are the apex endangered species.
I really love my kid and grandkids - but if I had neither, I would feel sad (until I found some other kid in need of love and support).
I really love my kid and grandkids - but if I had neither, I would feel sad (until I found some other kid in need of love and support).
87
an even better subsidized form of family would be a village inhabited by a representative sample.
The world is over-populated with people who never should have been born, it's true. But let's be honest: that means people who are desperately poor, who lead lives of abject misery, and who will likely reproduce anyway. People with resources tend to have far fewer children. It's a very politically incorrect position, but it is the logical position if we are going to link the personal issue of having children with the broader issue of global population: desperately poor people, who as a group often have the most children, should not have any. As with other responsibilities that depend on a personal ability to pay for them, those who cannot afford and care for children should not have them. The tendency to pretend that reproduction should be completely independent from an ability to support one's own children is nonsense. When people applaud the idea of not having children, they rarely want to make this distinction, or point out the fact that the real problem lies with over-reproduction among very poor people in overly-populated regions of the globe.
Your kids can have the water ration that my non-kids don't need. How's that selfish and shallow?
We have too many people for the world to support. Somebody has to say no.
We have too many people for the world to support. Somebody has to say no.
36
*Sigh* Another me-me-me song that is so ubiquitously a part of modern life. I guess the apex of individualism is narcissism, and this is just one of many ways to indulge ourselves.
3
As a mother of two grown children, I do not encourage them to have their own children and am happy that I will not have grandchildren.
Having children is hard on a woman's body, it destroys your sex life, you will never have any 'alone time', most of the housework falls on the woman, the chores are endless, you are stuck home all the time, all your disposable income goes to your children, it is often very boring, and the sacrifices never end. And yet...
It is in our DNA to love our children and that love makes us better people and we cannot stop loving them, no matter what.
And that right there is the reason I do not want grandchildren.
Having children is hard on a woman's body, it destroys your sex life, you will never have any 'alone time', most of the housework falls on the woman, the chores are endless, you are stuck home all the time, all your disposable income goes to your children, it is often very boring, and the sacrifices never end. And yet...
It is in our DNA to love our children and that love makes us better people and we cannot stop loving them, no matter what.
And that right there is the reason I do not want grandchildren.
4
If having children "destroyed" your sex life, no family would have more than one. The second (and third and fourth...) kids get here the same way the first one did.
We should breed good horses, not children.
4
It's a no brainer that kids can and will be a big pain in the as$. The upsides though outweight the downsides. You get to experience life all over again through them. Toys, proms, marraige, and even having children all over again. There is no replacement for the unconditional love for and from the family you make. When's the last time you ever heard a parent say, "yeah, my kids are nice, but I'd trade them in a minute for more freetime, extra cash, more vacations and 20 years of beer"? The simple truth is that the vast majority love their children more than any individual loves himself. I you disagree, I posit that you don't have children or that you must have an incredible amount of self-love, or you just don't fully appreciate the parent-child bond.
9
If you're good to the people around you, what difference does it make if the people around you are your genetic material or not. Why should anyone care whether you reproduce. Why would anyone think you'll never experience "real" love, simply because you don't create someone in your own image. "Real" love is individually defined. Quality (of life) over quantity (of those brought into being). Who cares who's contributing to quantity. Everyone already on this planet - just help each other out with quality.
23
I didn't particularly want children--just not compelled---but I also couldn't quite imagine myself as an older person without children. Now I'm 55 and I am childless, and it's ok. You just have to take responsibility for your decision. Maybe I'll be terribly lonely if I live to be elderly, but maybe not.
There are no guarantees. Life can be good with or without children if you make your peace with how it is.
There are no guarantees. Life can be good with or without children if you make your peace with how it is.
197
You probably won't be lonely because you already have experience in living without children. It's the people who expect such visits - and have planned their life around them - who, if they don't come, are lonely. I too am in my late 50s with no kids - but no loneliness. I'm used to this life, and know how to enjoy it.
1
The phrase "terribly lonely when I'm elderly." You would be terribly lonely, too, if you had children and they were right across the country or even abroad, as is the case with families I know well over here. Children are no guarantors of a fulfilled family life in old age. Even worse is when you feel obliged to buy and to buy to have the contact.
I never wanted children myself, have no feelings for them and find childcare for babies and toddlers revolting. I was given dolls, my ultimate horror, but was happy about getting toy trucks and cars. However, I spent over 36 years as a teacher in junior and senior high, really liked "my" kids and still meet parents who say their children still speak of me with respect and liking. I nearly married. The man wanted kids. I would have had two for him, but only out of duty. Not great for a child...
Thank goodness this is a day and age in which we females can choose what we want. And, incidentally, I have friends with children and I enjoy being with them.
I never wanted children myself, have no feelings for them and find childcare for babies and toddlers revolting. I was given dolls, my ultimate horror, but was happy about getting toy trucks and cars. However, I spent over 36 years as a teacher in junior and senior high, really liked "my" kids and still meet parents who say their children still speak of me with respect and liking. I nearly married. The man wanted kids. I would have had two for him, but only out of duty. Not great for a child...
Thank goodness this is a day and age in which we females can choose what we want. And, incidentally, I have friends with children and I enjoy being with them.
2
Parents are constantly telling me they have the toughest job on earth, then wonder why I don't have kids? The answer seems pretty obvious.
169
I completely understand when people choose not to have kids, or choose to have kids.
But to me, some of the hardest jobs are the most enjoyable as well. It's not the difficulty that makes a job not worth doing, but the lack of reward. I'm not talking about parenting, incidentally. I mean work like working in crisis zones, working long hours to set up a business, etc. It's thrilling and very hard.
So that may be where the confusion is coming from. I've had many jobs. Parenting is fun, but being a stay-at-home parent is mind-numbing.
But to me, some of the hardest jobs are the most enjoyable as well. It's not the difficulty that makes a job not worth doing, but the lack of reward. I'm not talking about parenting, incidentally. I mean work like working in crisis zones, working long hours to set up a business, etc. It's thrilling and very hard.
So that may be where the confusion is coming from. I've had many jobs. Parenting is fun, but being a stay-at-home parent is mind-numbing.
2
I'm so sick of that notion. Fire fighting is a hard job, social work is a hard job, nursing is a hard job. It's a wonder more kids aren't whinny and entitled? Their parents are constantly complaining about raising them. Parents of America get a grip please.
4
Having read most of the comments, this is like an upper middle class and higher forum. I see women daily with multiple kids, frequently with more than one father, and men with children by several women. None of the thoughts expresses by the author or commentators are ever expressed. This discussion is probably best saved for a different column on a different day but really is anyone reflecting on this article on welfare, ssi, etc.
9
You want to trace back, generations, why those women have multiple kids with various men and you will see a neediness and desperation for love not received as a child from a mother who herself suffered the same lack of nurture. These women have kids out of a need to be loved and to have something to love. Reproductive choices don't occur to them. I know, Keevin from Cleveland, I taught these kids at the critical juncture of childhood and puberty and watched it cycle, over and over and over.
Maureen--also from Cleveland.
Maureen--also from Cleveland.
1
Like many who are childfree by choice, I love living without little ones. But with so many well-educated couples choosing the same, I do fear that we are setting ourselves up for a future populated by the spawn of Idiocracy-like breeders.
16
I had the good (or bad) fortune of acute awareness at a very young age. I witnessed my peers starting at 11 desperate for social acceptance, keeping up with their counterparts and it continued in to college where I witnessed girlfriends assuming their life would be college, job, husband, children, dog, white picket fence. I immediately rebelled with my peers on this expectation this should happen. I didn't want a life that was because everyone else should want it. I distinctly remember commuting to college and my two friends admonishing me and telling me I was selfish for stating I didn't want children. I didn't argue but felt they were themselves being ignorant for wanting only what they thought they should want because their parents told them to and society reinforced it. I witness their lives now, ones I would never want for myself and think of how many others are like them in cookie cutter boxes in cul de sacs in suburbs who did it because society told them to. I also didn't buy a house when realtors and lenders were saying to...I always felt these 'social norms' weren't for the good of free thinkers.....
15
I told my young sons to be very careful. Having children completely changes your life. BC and AC. I have no regrets and love my children unconditionally but I barely remember my life BC.
4
I find the "selfish" argument hilarious, actually. People say (or imply, if they are a little more polite) that I am selfish for not wanting children. These same people talk about how they made the choice to have children because it would mean that THEY would know more love, that THEY would have more fulfillment, and that THEY would have someone to take care of them when they are old. Doesn't sound all that selfless to me.
As others have said, I remember being a child and it was awful. I could never bring myself to bring someone into the world, partly because my own childhood was so overwhelming to me and partly because finally, now that I'm an adult, I have found some joy in life.
That part I will own as selfish - I want to keep that joy I've finally found. And for me it doesn't need to involve children. But to say that parents made the decision to become parents because they are selfless saints is laughable.
As others have said, I remember being a child and it was awful. I could never bring myself to bring someone into the world, partly because my own childhood was so overwhelming to me and partly because finally, now that I'm an adult, I have found some joy in life.
That part I will own as selfish - I want to keep that joy I've finally found. And for me it doesn't need to involve children. But to say that parents made the decision to become parents because they are selfless saints is laughable.
34
The two 'celebrity' examples given already bias the reader towards thinking that people who opt out of parenthood are weird or cold.
3
Having watched people have kids around me for nearly 20 years now, I'm pretty well convinced that the number one reason people have kids is so they have a good excuse to never have to have sex again with their spouse.
14
One side effect of not being a parent is that I have found I have far more affection for other people's kids than most parents do.
6
As kids my brothers and I loved to torment child-hating adults. It was no fun disrupting a tennis game or wrecking a flower bed in search of our ball unless we angered some humorless old crank. We'd knock on their doors and hand them bouquets of wild flowers (weeds) then tell our mother we were just trying to be nice. Kids need unwelcoming adults the way that comics need straight men.
6
Ha Ha. I probably shouldn't find this funny, but I do.
I would think most people would be angered to have their tennis game disrupted or flower bed wrecked (after all, it's rude), and am unsure how this was construed to mean they hated kids. Also, what does old or cranky have to do with it?
1
Everyday I walk out my door, my choice to be single and childless is reaffirmed ten-fold by two o'clock. I count my blessings and realize I've been truly blessed.
12
I've never understood why it's considered "selfish" to not do something I don't want to do. People looking at me like I'm gaming the system because I've chosen to do what feels right for me.
146
I'm going to go against the tide here and say that the pressure these days is to not have kids. Popular culture, especially sites directed toward millennials, makes parenthood seem like pure hell.
It isn't. I didn't find it that hard. True, I only had one healthy, self-starting child, but the child rearing years were exhausting but very fun and fulfilling.
I believe that people who don't want kids should be left alone. Or at least commended for having the insight to know they shouldn't be parents.
But we also need to start communicating to young people who do want kids that they don't need to wait forever, and that the job of parenting is highly rewarding.
It isn't. I didn't find it that hard. True, I only had one healthy, self-starting child, but the child rearing years were exhausting but very fun and fulfilling.
I believe that people who don't want kids should be left alone. Or at least commended for having the insight to know they shouldn't be parents.
But we also need to start communicating to young people who do want kids that they don't need to wait forever, and that the job of parenting is highly rewarding.
109
As a father of four, my experience is that there are really three (maybe four) groups,
Adults without children,
Parents of one child
parents of more than one child
The dynamic shifts when you're diapering one child and the other child toddles off to the power tools in the garage or starts pulling the dogs tail.
The dynamic shifts again when the children outnumber the adults. There is less time for one on one discussions of how each one's day went and the micro management that is possible with one child
I agree raising one child is easy but is really something different than raising children.
Adults without children,
Parents of one child
parents of more than one child
The dynamic shifts when you're diapering one child and the other child toddles off to the power tools in the garage or starts pulling the dogs tail.
The dynamic shifts again when the children outnumber the adults. There is less time for one on one discussions of how each one's day went and the micro management that is possible with one child
I agree raising one child is easy but is really something different than raising children.
Having a child without having a guaranteed upper middle class income is raw narcissism and irresponsibility.
I agree. It's not all that hard, and the intense part lasts only a few years. Pop culture makes it sound eternal and impossible. Ridiculous. However, if people don't think they want kids, they definitely shouldn't have them.
Really not sure why everyone seems so concerned about couples choosing not to have children. It's not as if there's a dearth of children (or people) on the planet. If anything they (and by they I mean we, myself included) should be thanked for helping thin the herd.
5
The earth has 3 billion more people on it than it can sustain. The wealthy should not be having children. If they wish to parent they should be adopting.
9
The World Wildlife Fund recently reported that fifty percent of all animal species on earth had been wiped out in the past forty years due to human encroachment on their habitats. Having parenting behavior restraint helps us address this awful tragedy.
11
What's not addressed in this article is the divorce rate in this country. It has a huge impact on one person ending up raising children alone. And many people are going to have it happen to them in one way or another. This is just one reason to really think twice (or three times for that matter) about having children, and whether you have the capability and strength to do it alone because you have more than 50% chance that it will definitely happen.
2
I looked at my family of origin and the habits and behaviors I had absorbed, and I decided I didn't want to pass those on. I'm not a maternal sort anyway (and neither were my parents, which may explain things), and I felt that other people would do a better job being parents. I got my tubes tied. It's a decision I haven't regretted since.
4
I'm all for individual choices. However, childless people should pay more taxes, as the children been rinsed right now will pay for the childless retirement. They should actually pay for those willing to have children.
The children being raised now will pay for the childless' retirement because they'll owe us. Try funding your schools, parks and rec programs, WIC and other welfare, child health care, etc., without the tax money from the childless and childfree.
1
No thanks. I'm already paying for educators' salaries, new schools, kiddie parks, extra highways, school buses, libraries, -the list goes on- in my taxes for these future taxpayers. And I'm also paying for the older generation in those taxes. It all works out in the end and eventually seems to be best for society at large. Or it will if we continue to be a strong country of DIVERSE people with plenty of jobs and a work ethic.
1
We pay taxes for schools and athletic fields dedicated to and used exclusively by your children,
You're welcome
You're welcome
3
Perhaps those of us without children should point out that we are doing the most ecologically important work we can think of. We have not procreated, so the overpopulated, polluted Earth has one (or 2 or 3...) less person/people using resources, generating waste, making garbage, driving a car, etc. Why, I think we should get a medal for our contribution to the Earth's health!
8
I find this kind of dichotomizing limiting and unhelpful. Not ALL people who have children buy expensive handmade toys from Sweden, nor are they all the sort of Park Slope parents society finds it easy to poke fun at. And saying that ALL people who decide not to have children do so for selfish reasons (and, hey, who cares if they do?!) is naive. Speaking for myself, I never thought I would have children, nor did I ever want to, but my circumstances changed and I have one and another on the way. Is it hard and frustrating and insane? Yes, but it's also rewarding and funny and wonderful. Nothing is all one thing or another, and to suggest otherwise is foolish. Isn't easier to make your own decisions and not feel the need to compare yourself to the other side? Not all people who decide to be childless are lonely (as parents often imagine them to be), and not all parents walk out the door with rumpled clothing, mashed potatoes in their hair and looking like zombies. These are unhelpful stereotypes which will prevent us from getting passed the "Us and Them" mentality of this issue.
13
Actually, I get a lot of love from my friends' children, for whom I have been there since birth, and now one them has had children who call me "Aunt Debbie." It is nice to be the one who does not have to say "no" and suffer from exhaustion but just enjoy the child as a person, who can have a non-adversarial relationship with someone as he and she grows up to supplement the necessary limit setting by the parents. I remember how much I loved my parents' single childless friend and am grateful to my friends for letting me be that person. The reason I did not have children is not because I don't like them, but because I do and could not see myself spending much of my life laying down the law with them.
4
My wife and I did not plan to have children. However, during an afternoon of casual love-making I fell into a delicious lassitude. I then fell into a profound sleep.
Nine months later my wife gave birth to our son.
These things happen all the time.
Nine months later my wife gave birth to our son.
These things happen all the time.
I don't think anyone should feel pressured to have kids or be shamed for deciding to not have kids. But in this article, and also in some of the people I know in real life who decide not to have kids, I also sense some smugness, pretension or hostility towards people who do decide to become parents, e.g Mr. Dyers' statement "the only thing I hate more than children is parents". Can't everyone just agree not to judge others for their life choices?
6
I wonder how many of these "no children" couples or singles for that matter that disavow becoming a parent are "pet parents"? I find the absurd behavior of many pet owners just another example of our privileged self centered culture. The new name for dogs; sister, brother, baby, etc., is irritating if not ludicrous and very good example of our decadence. And just to make a point a dog does not kiss and the "smile" and tail wagging is a manipulative behavior.
8
Some of my friends refer to themselves as the dog's (or dogs') "mamma."
1
I've never been in a restaurant, movie theater or public place where a screaming out of control pet and an oblivious "pet parent" ruined everyone's experience
3
No. Tail wagging indicates several things, none of them are manipulative: erect tail-alert ready to react, left wagging-is a warning of possible aggression, low wagging means reluctance, but ready to confront if needed, relaxed wagging is happiness as is an open mouth and squinty eyes. None of this is manipulation; it's communication.
2
I disagree with the notion that to not have kids (or to have kids) is "selfish" in any way. This could be, of course, the reason why some individuals choose to have or not have kids but I think for many people, it's not because they're selfish it's because they simply might not have an urge to have children. No one should have children unless they absolutely want to.
I, personally, have never wanted children, even as a little kid. There are many things that I think about when thinking about kids--the fact that the Earth is overpopulated, that there is limited amount of resources for everyone, that all ecosystems are being degraded because of human activities, etc. but at the end of the day, if I wanted or yearned to have a kid, these things would not prevent me from having one. The main reason I do not want to have kids is simply because the idea of being a mother is not appealing. I can, of course, do what mothers are expected to do--throw big birthday parties, take them to soccer practice, all the things associated with being a typically middle-class mother, etc--but I don't look forward to doing those things.
A person should be a parent if they want to do those things, truly want to and like to do those things. It doesn't make any sense for a person to do those things but don't really want to. It's not fair for the child and it's not fair for yourself.
I, personally, have never wanted children, even as a little kid. There are many things that I think about when thinking about kids--the fact that the Earth is overpopulated, that there is limited amount of resources for everyone, that all ecosystems are being degraded because of human activities, etc. but at the end of the day, if I wanted or yearned to have a kid, these things would not prevent me from having one. The main reason I do not want to have kids is simply because the idea of being a mother is not appealing. I can, of course, do what mothers are expected to do--throw big birthday parties, take them to soccer practice, all the things associated with being a typically middle-class mother, etc--but I don't look forward to doing those things.
A person should be a parent if they want to do those things, truly want to and like to do those things. It doesn't make any sense for a person to do those things but don't really want to. It's not fair for the child and it's not fair for yourself.
129
You have touched a chord with me in some of what you've said about middle-class parenting. A lot of people look at having children, then look at the societal image of parenting and wonder, "why would I want to do that?" It's a good question -- the whirlwind of expensive birthday parties, rogue and spoiled children, parental one-upsmanship, and sticky minivans could not be less interesting as far as I'm concerned.
Luckily, however, even as a middle-class parent, participating in this kind of parenting is entirely optional. My wife and I refuse to throw obnoxiously expensive birthday parties for our son (we just have one -- he's ten now). We don't have a minivan. We have raised him to be polite to adults and considerate of others. He can have an engaging conversation with anyone between four and ninety-four, but still knows how to cut lose with his friends and have a good time -- when it is situationally appropriate.
And as for all those parents whose parental style seems to be to lavish all of their care, concern, anxiety, and expectations on their children? Well - they're around, but they are decidedly on the periphery of our experience because there are many other parents out there like us - parents who just want to raise a kid without entering into the (vapid, boring, and absurd) Parent Olympics .
In any event, the world needs all sorts of people and we should celebrate diversity, instead of seeing someone else's choices as a personal challenge. Cheers to your choice!
Luckily, however, even as a middle-class parent, participating in this kind of parenting is entirely optional. My wife and I refuse to throw obnoxiously expensive birthday parties for our son (we just have one -- he's ten now). We don't have a minivan. We have raised him to be polite to adults and considerate of others. He can have an engaging conversation with anyone between four and ninety-four, but still knows how to cut lose with his friends and have a good time -- when it is situationally appropriate.
And as for all those parents whose parental style seems to be to lavish all of their care, concern, anxiety, and expectations on their children? Well - they're around, but they are decidedly on the periphery of our experience because there are many other parents out there like us - parents who just want to raise a kid without entering into the (vapid, boring, and absurd) Parent Olympics .
In any event, the world needs all sorts of people and we should celebrate diversity, instead of seeing someone else's choices as a personal challenge. Cheers to your choice!
1
Our two kids are not spoiled, and while I took them to art classes, swimming lessons and soccer practices, school came first. I loved watching them develop interests in different skills or ideas. The terrible twos were never terrible, and my husband and I have great friendships with both of them. It IS possible to have fun, work hard, be devoted, and feel satisfied.
124
I knew at the age of four that I would never have children when I found out that a child did not have an "off switch" and could not be stowed in a box in the closet when I did not want to be bothered with it. In the subsequent six decades, I have not regretted my decision once but I have met many people who have told me that they wish they had had such insight into their own proclivities before they reached puberty.
148
I hate it when people use the words "selfish" and "self-centered" in their discussions about childlessness. I made a conscious decision not to have children for a variety of reasons. Wanting to be selfish, or being selfish already, were not reasons. There was nothing about motherhood I would have enjoyed. And I didn't try to talk myself into something I knew instinctively wasn't for me. Once the door of that motherhood fantasy closed, I embraced the freedom that came along with it. It was a choice. Simple as that.
228
How do you know there was nothing about motherhood if you didn't do it? If we all waited until we were absolutely ready and knew we wanted it, the world would have extinguished long ago.
1
A great article on those who choose NOT to have kids. But no one is talking about the other two groups: those who had kids NOT of their choosing (accidental parents), and the group who simply made the choice to have kids only ON PURPOSE, which may mean they never become parents if the circumstance in which they would consider becoming a parent never presents itself.
1
I couldn't have children but I wasn't really sad about it. I've got great friends, love their children, and I've been able to be generous with all of them.
There is no selfishness like the ego-driven expectations of most parents for their children. Motherhood turned most of my friends/family members into the most self-absorbed and hateful people that I'd ever seen. I don't think that I've ever indulged in that kind of selfishness.
Female lab rats are docile and sociable until they have a litter. Then they become killers.
I rest my case.
There is no selfishness like the ego-driven expectations of most parents for their children. Motherhood turned most of my friends/family members into the most self-absorbed and hateful people that I'd ever seen. I don't think that I've ever indulged in that kind of selfishness.
Female lab rats are docile and sociable until they have a litter. Then they become killers.
I rest my case.
180
Good Lord .... mothers are " hateful people " !? It's little wonder that we are on a path of entropic decadence and doomed for eventual extinction.
1
It is exceedingly difficult to take anything you have to say seriously when you first state that you have friends with children you love and then accuse them of being the most hateful people you know as a result of having children! If people without children could apply even a modicum of pity, tolerance, compassion, and even a minor attempt at empathy or sympathy it would go a long way towards stopping the accusations of selfishness. However, if all you hear in life are complaints from those without children about how obnoxious your children are/how you live is (your beloved life in all of its crazy, swirling, circus-tent-style juggling complexity) then how can one return any measure of compassion or understanding to said childless person?? I care not whether you have children or how you live. But neither do I accept any complaints/comments from you about how I raise my children.
it would seem to me that you chose your friends poorly if they all became so self absorbed and hateful. Whether or not you chose to have kids is irrelevant, your take on the world is pretty well explained by your comment on lab rats, as if that is any kind of comparison.
Although I guess in your world it is, too bad.
Although I guess in your world it is, too bad.
I'm torn between my strong desire not to have children and my need to have them. The constant battle between hundreds of thousand years of evolution and well thought out, reasoned decision is exhausting. I know what's right for me, and I'm able to discern that from by basic instincts.
35
Suzilla, if you NEED to have them, as in enormous emotional craving to feel complete as a woman, don't do it and pursue the free life.
If you WANT to have them, because it's a roller-coaster adventure of good and bad that you believe you, and the world, and the children, will be better off for having taken, then do so.
You're being torn about this decision, and your exhaustion about the decision, seem to indicate you may not have the emotional courage and strength for childrearing. It's better for the unborn kids if you stay free, and flourish in other areas.
If you WANT to have them, because it's a roller-coaster adventure of good and bad that you believe you, and the world, and the children, will be better off for having taken, then do so.
You're being torn about this decision, and your exhaustion about the decision, seem to indicate you may not have the emotional courage and strength for childrearing. It's better for the unborn kids if you stay free, and flourish in other areas.
1
You sound like someone who will regret not having children. Your logic is not as sound as you think it is. People who don't want kids don't want kids; there is no struggle.
1
Please Stick with your strong desire not to have children. You will survive your perceived “need “to have children. If you choose to have children you do not want.your children will suffer .
1
The onus is all wrong here, the decision is not to forgo children, it is to have children. Taking responsibility for the development of a nascent human being is a big step. Those choosing not to do so should be lauded for taking the time to think through the decision and come out according to their own, not society's wishes. I wish more parent had taken such time, yes parenting is hard but it's not like it is a well kept secret. Your choice, your responsibility.
254
Thank you. That fits pretty well with my own gradual decision to refrain from bringing any more people onto this overcrowded planet.
At first, I refrained because I didn't want my children to have to live with what I did while growing up: certain kinds of poverty, exclusion, and unpredictability. Then I refrained because, well, I was single, and nobody seemed to want to settle down. It might have been me, or it maight have been the times. Who knows? And then, at last, it was because there are far too many people in need of a loving parent, and there's no need for me to foist one of my own upon the world instead.
Luckily for me, and for the world, I remain childless. Some of that is due to questioning the wisdom of becoming a parent, and whether I had the resources to do a good job of it.
At first, I refrained because I didn't want my children to have to live with what I did while growing up: certain kinds of poverty, exclusion, and unpredictability. Then I refrained because, well, I was single, and nobody seemed to want to settle down. It might have been me, or it maight have been the times. Who knows? And then, at last, it was because there are far too many people in need of a loving parent, and there's no need for me to foist one of my own upon the world instead.
Luckily for me, and for the world, I remain childless. Some of that is due to questioning the wisdom of becoming a parent, and whether I had the resources to do a good job of it.
When I broke the news to my mom that my husband had decided to have a vasectomy, She asked me if we were certain that we were making the right decision. I asked if she knew anyone with fewer maternal instincts than me. She thought it over for about 3 seconds before responding, "Good point." Last conversation we ever had on the subject.
10
I had an argument with a waitress once who was setting up a large table with no less than three highchairs and two boosters next to mine. I asked to be moved and when she asked if I why I made the mistake of mentioning that I wasn't fond of children. She pretty much blew a gasket. I had committed some kind of heresy. The truth is that I don't dislike children. I just enjoy eating without screeching, whining and crackers. I understand that I am in a public place and that space can be problematic. I also understand that families need to get out and socialize. But part of me gets my undies in a wad when I have to share it with them. I do not feel morally obliged to love them all unconditionally.
21
As I was sitting with three childless women, hearing them energetically relate their attitudes on not caring for their parents,"What's wrong with Nursing Homes?" and the logic of "my parents had me - I didn't get to choose having them," when the thought arose of what these three women had in common - they all have chosen not to have children. The choice of remaining childless can be a selfless choice (and has been so for many in as many generations) but the choice of avoiding one's elderly family members can only be selfish. What sterile lives some of us choose rather than richness of ordinary love, warmth, and kindness.
8
As an elementary school classroom teacher, I was struck by how many parents would claim to love children even as their behavior described a love of only their own children. They routinely demanded benefits for their own offspring that would result in less time and fewer resources for the other students in the class. Selfless love?
4
choices about children is really a first world issue and yes, many low income group in this country do not live in first world conditions when they live in poverty and don't have access to education, reproductive information or birth control. Otherwise they too would make informed choices.
However, I would hate parents and children too if all my examples were those that are described here. Nothing is more sickening than entitled spoiled brats and their hovering parents. Thank god most of us real parents live in the real world that is neither horrible nor privleged. Our lives are balanced by levels of pain, stuggle, dilemmas, messiness joy, pride, triumphs and fierce animal love.
Children are not for everyone but everyone does have a reponsibility to ensure that the best conditions for success exist of ALL of them so we can live in a decent society. And inevitably the next generation will be called upon to take care of those on their way out, either as physical resources or economically.
And for those of us who have generated the next generation, all I can say is that it's a transformative experience for which there is no substitute that is not possible to convey to those without.
However, I would hate parents and children too if all my examples were those that are described here. Nothing is more sickening than entitled spoiled brats and their hovering parents. Thank god most of us real parents live in the real world that is neither horrible nor privleged. Our lives are balanced by levels of pain, stuggle, dilemmas, messiness joy, pride, triumphs and fierce animal love.
Children are not for everyone but everyone does have a reponsibility to ensure that the best conditions for success exist of ALL of them so we can live in a decent society. And inevitably the next generation will be called upon to take care of those on their way out, either as physical resources or economically.
And for those of us who have generated the next generation, all I can say is that it's a transformative experience for which there is no substitute that is not possible to convey to those without.
4
The world is a mess. See the beautiful but devastating film: Salt of the Earth.
(I loved my children so much that I didn't have them.)
Read the children's book: Lemons and Lightbulbs.
Females must be freed from the pressure to reproduce. Unwanted children are frequently abused and neglected; they often become damaged and noncontributing members of society.
(I loved my children so much that I didn't have them.)
Read the children's book: Lemons and Lightbulbs.
Females must be freed from the pressure to reproduce. Unwanted children are frequently abused and neglected; they often become damaged and noncontributing members of society.
12
I have one child, but I wholeheartedly support those who choose not to have children, for whatever reason. My husband and I used to be one of those couples, but changed our minds relatively late.
I will say this: parenting is what you make it. You do not have to allow your child to overtake every facet of your life, interests, and personality as an adult person. Our child doesn't dictate what we eat, the music we listen to, where we choose to travel, how social we choose to be with other adults, etc.
I have as much contempt for the inattentive, selfish, and irresponsible parents I see out and about in my "stroller-centric" neighborhood as Mr. Dyer. Sure, those parents allowing their kids to run amok and have whatever they want are making their lives easier in the short term by avoiding some difficult parenting moments, but they aren't doing their kids or anyone else a favor in the long run.
As to the environmental impact of having children, yes, overpopulation is a huge problem. This is one reason we are having one child, and no more. You *can*, however, have a child and still be a responsible steward of the environment. It's all about priorities...
I will say this: parenting is what you make it. You do not have to allow your child to overtake every facet of your life, interests, and personality as an adult person. Our child doesn't dictate what we eat, the music we listen to, where we choose to travel, how social we choose to be with other adults, etc.
I have as much contempt for the inattentive, selfish, and irresponsible parents I see out and about in my "stroller-centric" neighborhood as Mr. Dyer. Sure, those parents allowing their kids to run amok and have whatever they want are making their lives easier in the short term by avoiding some difficult parenting moments, but they aren't doing their kids or anyone else a favor in the long run.
As to the environmental impact of having children, yes, overpopulation is a huge problem. This is one reason we are having one child, and no more. You *can*, however, have a child and still be a responsible steward of the environment. It's all about priorities...
4
I certainly understand the selfish arguments on both sides - those not wanting to sacrifice their own lives, and those who have children to solve a hole they feel. There are two gaping gaps in this discussion however, that I can't fathom the lack of discussion on. There is a love, bond, experience, familial ecosystem that nobody knows or understands until they become a parent. While I hear and understand all the responsible reasons to not become a parent, what I also know NOW is that I couldn't even begin to understand the decision to become a parent until my daughter popped out, and subsequently my son. It really is too bad you can't try before you buy - but my wife and I for one have never looked back, and couldn't imagine any other existence. 2nd hole is the almost myopic focus on affluent people who choose to not have children with private school wait lists, mommy and me sub cultures, etc. What about the rest of the regular folks who rely on the public school system, have clerk jobs, and live in over crowded neighborhoods in queens? I'd bet the child decision is not on the decline, folks experience as much fulfillment if not more from providing their kids corn flakes, and they couldn't imagine or desire any life less stressful. Maybe it's my immigrant background, and life in ethnic queens - but choosing to have kids was less of a choice, and more a necessity in our fiber. Our unit was not complete without them.
3
When I was younger living in New York City, I loved to be single, until I became older and were still alone. After moving out of the city, I got married, and my wife got a miscarriage, which is partly the fault of the parents because we were both much older than nature has intended to have children, which increases the chances of birth defects and other issues later on (possibly autism). During that tim I was very sad looking at other parents and worried that I would never be able to have my own. I now have two boys. As the parents are getting older, and weaker, the kids are getting stronger, which brings a new level of hope and energy to our lives. The article says non-parents are paying for kid's education. This is not selfish? These kids will someday pay taxes to support all the old people on earth who can no longe produce. Think about that! What is the value of reproduction for a species, how much we should pay to maintain that? Think about that.
We had one child when both of us were in our forties. It's been a wonderful but often stressful experience, and I can't imagine (now), not having our now adult daughter in our lives. But it has done nothing to soften my aversion to the child-centric culture that I encounter daily: restaurant terraces overrun by kids singing and screaming; Cadillac-sized strollers crowding aisles everywhere; narcissistic parents obsessed with landing their precious off-spring in the best possible preschool. And the "baby on board" signs? Give me a break. Does that mean that, if I feel I must ram someone, I should crash instead into a car of a child-free couple?
13
Charlie, I deliver the same rant every time I see a "baby on board" sign, warning my partner that if she feels like suddenly running into a car, she should by all means avoid the one with the baby, and go bashing into someone else's instead.
The "Baby On Board" sign is used as a hopeful reminder to someone who may be driving recklessly or texting or failing to pay attention that the road is no place to be distracted. As my dad said when teaching me to drive, you are operating a 2ton weapon that kills, navigate accordingly. The sign asks you to please drive safely because of children possibly affected by your carelessness behind the wheel. Your protest of these harmless yellow diamonds denotes a person who perhaps takes themselves too seriously in the face of desperate parents hoping to arrive home family intact by any means necessary.
"Even some of the staunchest anti-reproduction advocates, though, concede that they may eventually second-guess their decision."
Perhaps, but most people, if they "first-guess" their decision carefully, will *not* find themselves second-guessing that decision. Of the women I know who did not have children, very few have second-guessed themselves, because they were very careful & thoughtful in arriving at their decision in the first place.
Perhaps, but most people, if they "first-guess" their decision carefully, will *not* find themselves second-guessing that decision. Of the women I know who did not have children, very few have second-guessed themselves, because they were very careful & thoughtful in arriving at their decision in the first place.
8
There are no rights or wrongs whether it is choosing a mate, having children, deciding on a career or not (especially for women) because we never can predict the outcome. During a period of instability in our country and our world it is doubly difficult to make choices that will ensure a happy and supportive result.
Illness, unexpected events, can throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans of any of us and we have to decide for ourselves and our significant others what the best choices might be.
Regardless of whether we decide to have children or not, in order to live in a more orderly, healthy and happy environment we have to work together to provide a safe haven for ourselves, our children and grandchildren. If we remain childless we have the responsibility to others also. If not, nothing will work out as well as it should as we are witnessing daily in the news from home and abroad.
In making family choices we have to include a responsibility to be an active citizen in our nation's affairs in order to provide a more certain, fair and stable future for us all. This has become a very urgent mission which affects any personal decisions we might decide to make.
Illness, unexpected events, can throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans of any of us and we have to decide for ourselves and our significant others what the best choices might be.
Regardless of whether we decide to have children or not, in order to live in a more orderly, healthy and happy environment we have to work together to provide a safe haven for ourselves, our children and grandchildren. If we remain childless we have the responsibility to others also. If not, nothing will work out as well as it should as we are witnessing daily in the news from home and abroad.
In making family choices we have to include a responsibility to be an active citizen in our nation's affairs in order to provide a more certain, fair and stable future for us all. This has become a very urgent mission which affects any personal decisions we might decide to make.
3
We're better off as a society if the people who truly do not believe they would make good parents decide not to have kids. However, I would argue that we are actually worse off as a society if the people who don't want to have kids are choosing not to have kids because of their belief in an impending environmental catastrophe. That position is all well and good if it is your excuse for some other reason to not have children, but if it really is your reason for not having children I would hope that you would reconsider. Society will be better off if people who are concerned about the environment reproduce, not if they select themselves out of the gene pool.
6
Raising a child may be the highest form of artistic expression on the planet.
What other medium so poignantly or painfully reflects an artist's strengths and weakness so accurately ?
What other work of art goes on to reproduce itself, hopefully with a better version??
Though I do not have any kids (or none that I know about!) I do love 'good' kids and will always treat any child as my own and thereby try to protect them from injury, abuse or ignorance. What decent person doesn't?
But to bring a dependent into this world set on it's path of self-destruction is an act of faith or ignorance beyond my ability to navigate. And, our ridiculous US medical system expenses always sobered me right up.
What other medium so poignantly or painfully reflects an artist's strengths and weakness so accurately ?
What other work of art goes on to reproduce itself, hopefully with a better version??
Though I do not have any kids (or none that I know about!) I do love 'good' kids and will always treat any child as my own and thereby try to protect them from injury, abuse or ignorance. What decent person doesn't?
But to bring a dependent into this world set on it's path of self-destruction is an act of faith or ignorance beyond my ability to navigate. And, our ridiculous US medical system expenses always sobered me right up.
2
There is nothing remotely artistic about having or raising children. To suggest otherwise is not only an insult to artists; it's also demeaning of children, who are not a medium for their parents to manipulate.
It's sad that the direction in which art has veered in recent decades has led some people to conclude that everything is a form of art.
It's sad that the direction in which art has veered in recent decades has led some people to conclude that everything is a form of art.
1
People sometimes ask me why I don't drink alcohol (I do, actually, when I feel like it) as though drinking is the normal case and deviation from it requires a reason. It doesn't. Neither does not having children, but somehow I'm expected to provide one.
I suppose my reason is that I would sooner have slit my throat. Is that good enough?
I too find many parents of young children insufferable. If I ever move into a senior community it will be to escape the parents, not the children.
I suppose my reason is that I would sooner have slit my throat. Is that good enough?
I too find many parents of young children insufferable. If I ever move into a senior community it will be to escape the parents, not the children.
13
Must everything the Times writes be so strident and ridiculous, as this article began? Do I need 1,000 reasons to be "childless?" I decided as a young person (early 20s) that I did not want marriage or children. It's my choice, or so I thought. Also, as an "environmentally conscious" person, it's best for the planet. I would have thought that in a civil society, more people would be in agreement about this, and I wouldn't have to feel defensive about my choices. In any event, it's my business and no one else's.
3
In the early 80's I agonized over whether or not to have children. Very few women at the time made the choice of being childless. As a professional there is a small window for women, after college, grad school and the start of a career I felt the pressure as I approached age 33. It is after all the biggest thing a human can engage in. I went ahead, had my parents move out west to help and my career was on the back burner. I had one child, then another because I didn't want an only child. They are wonderful people my boys, but I often imagine my life without them. I would have gone farther in my career, traveled more, adventured more. Who knows? It's wonderful that more people are feeling they have a choice. I was lucky, my kids never were in daycare, I was able to pay for private school and great college. Could never have done it in NYC.
64
Interesting that you could imagine your life without them. I couldn't imagine my life without mine. Although they are grown, they are the light of my life.
1
I think this is one of the saddest things I've ever read. I hope your two sons never read it. I can't imagine thinking that your career, travel etc would have been more satisfying that your two boys.
1
My mom spent my childhood telling me all the things she could have done if she hadn't had me. Then I spent my teen summers working in a relative's day care center (not because I wanted to, but because I was told I had to) and often felt disconnected and exhausted around the children.
Can't tell you how many times I'd been told I'd have made a great parent, but while I can get my enthusiasm up for short bursts around children, eventually that enthusiasm wanes and I just want a quiet place to chill.
Let me be the one to buy the kids all the cool stuff. When they're older I'll take them out to lunch. But don't ask me to do more. I know how much I can handle.
Can't tell you how many times I'd been told I'd have made a great parent, but while I can get my enthusiasm up for short bursts around children, eventually that enthusiasm wanes and I just want a quiet place to chill.
Let me be the one to buy the kids all the cool stuff. When they're older I'll take them out to lunch. But don't ask me to do more. I know how much I can handle.
1
The irony of modern society is that it sends women messages that are totally at odds with their biology. It encourages them to spend their 20s and 30s doing everything they can to keep from getting pregnant, then when their late 30s-early 40s hit they realise the window is closing and go through extraordinary efforts to become so.
It's also ironic that as people supposedly forgo children in order to maintain their happiness, studies report people being less happy than ever.
It's also ironic that as people supposedly forgo children in order to maintain their happiness, studies report people being less happy than ever.
78
A 2005 study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior showed that parenthood causes varying degrees of depression, while childfree individuals were the happiest.
An NYT article from 2009 highlighted a study which examined marital satisfaction - which decreased with children, and rose when they left the home.
A study from Open University found that childfree couples were happier on average than couples with children. Mothers were found to be the happiest, but they consistently have no happiness with their spouses.
As for biology, women can easily conceive children up to age 40. Fertility starts to go downhill after this point. Socially, having children later in life is better. The mother is more likely to be educated and married.
An NYT article from 2009 highlighted a study which examined marital satisfaction - which decreased with children, and rose when they left the home.
A study from Open University found that childfree couples were happier on average than couples with children. Mothers were found to be the happiest, but they consistently have no happiness with their spouses.
As for biology, women can easily conceive children up to age 40. Fertility starts to go downhill after this point. Socially, having children later in life is better. The mother is more likely to be educated and married.
1
Having children requires sustained energy and dedication over a long period of time. It is not for everyone. Personally, I loved raising children, and those years were among the best of my life. In this day and age, with our world becoming more demanding and complex, people would be prudent to consider carefully before deciding to have children.
146
Ugh. Give me a break. This whole article rubbed the wrong way. Yet another opportunity to arbitrarily pit one group against the other. Presented as opposing "sides" are really just people that created dissimilar types of lives for themselves. Having children should be the result of an intense desire to nurture and love another human being. (And ideally embarked upon only after one has established that he/she is able to responsibly do so.) All the rest of it? Minutiae and personal choices. A lot of this just sounds like people (understandably) railing against mainstream upper-middle and upper-class American culture. Let me assure you that you can have kids and buy into none of the other nonsense. It is possible to raise kids with tenderness and care, and also not allow them to be the center of the universe, entitled, pampered, and materialistic brats. There are parents who teach their kids manners, respect, consideration for others, the value of moderation, respect for the earth, etc. Have kids or don't -- I certainly respect my friends' choices to live child-free (and many are having wonderful lives!), but I don't expect to be disparaged because I responsibly embarked upon my life-long dream of having children. Stop trying to position different types of people as on opposing "sides" of an issue! We're all different... Live and let live!
636
Thanks Karen. I also felt this article created a lot of drama and division when it doesn't have to be that way. Some people have kids, some don't. Some people want kids, some don't (both are distinct from whether or not you have them). Plenty of my friends have kids and plenty don't. Some were planned and some were surprises. Some are glad they have kids and some are not. And, many people really don't think about it that much!
My parents never thought about it. They did not try or not try to have kids. It was just part of life that happened. I have never thought about it and have not have kids. While having children is obviously a life changing experience, it does not have to be THE only life experience.
My parents never thought about it. They did not try or not try to have kids. It was just part of life that happened. I have never thought about it and have not have kids. While having children is obviously a life changing experience, it does not have to be THE only life experience.
2
Thank you, Karen, for this comment. There's no need to defend or offend. Live and let live. Put that in neon!
4
Excellent comment.
2
I appreciate this article. At 23 years old, my husband and I mutually decided to remain childless for a wide variety of reasons. That was 38 years ago. It was hard for many years. We had to answer "why" since it was volitional and not due to infertility. I felt parents should have to answer "why" they did. We were considered selfish and unnatural It puzzled me that we were selfish when I see parents being selfish every day. ANd the vanity of wanting a mini you and someone to love you. Most parents only care about their own children and do not care a bit about all children. We have gladly subsidized other people's children with our taxes paying for education, tax breaks and, for the poor, health care. My husband taught in a poor urban public school for many years. Many terrible parents never had to explain "why" they had the children they neglected. We seem to be happier than many of our friends with children whose children and grandchildren have been an endless source of worry, grief and disappointment (mental illness, addiction, failure to get an independent life, etc) rather than the love and joy they expected. Thankfully, being childless is becoming more "normal" and accepted. the important thing is to make the right decision for yourself . The operative word being "decision" rather than mindlessly making an assumption you must be a parent or carelessly becoming one.
474
Sorry that you have such a dark view of parenting. As NM pointed out, children are expensive, and parents bear nearly all of the cost of bringing them up. My spouse and I had several children, and we paid for their food, clothing, housing and, yes, even the tax breaks, since we've always paid far more than the average household in taxes. Did you know that some families do not even get exemptions after the Pease Provisions and the AMT are applied? We may even have subsidized you and your husband, but we don't mind, because that is the way in which the tax code is supposed to work.
That so many poor people whom you regard as unfit and neglectful parents did have children is not a mystery, as our government has long provided perverse incentives for the poor to have children and also discouraged marriage between parents through irrational Earned Income Tax Credit eligibility rules. I hope that the recent extension of the EITC to poor adults under the age of 26 without requiring them to have dependent children will mean that more in such a position will wait until they are more mature and on firmer financial ground to start their families.
That so many poor people whom you regard as unfit and neglectful parents did have children is not a mystery, as our government has long provided perverse incentives for the poor to have children and also discouraged marriage between parents through irrational Earned Income Tax Credit eligibility rules. I hope that the recent extension of the EITC to poor adults under the age of 26 without requiring them to have dependent children will mean that more in such a position will wait until they are more mature and on firmer financial ground to start their families.
1
I agree totally with your excellent post. I made the same decision many years ago, and have never regretted it.
3
I could not agree with you more!
The trials of child rearing are unknown to me since I decided as a very young man that I was unfit for the task, it was not a difficult choice given my mental state having returned from war profoundly affected by my experience. Not speaking from experience creates a deficit in my perceptions having offspring and there care, having said that I have observed that many parents spend to much time arranging for their children to spend time in activities instead of spending time mentoring them personally. Children deserve good parents, unfortunately it is a case of on the job training in which many who have chosen the path of parenting are found wanting. Many parents hover over there children to the point of suffocation but with little or no personal interaction from themselves not allowing the children to be children which is profoundly unfortunate for their progeny.
1
Like most things in modern America, a lot of the fun has been taken out of childrearing, perhaps most of all for the child herself. Add to this the facts that procreating is a poor economic choice for all but a narrow elite, and that there is hardly need for yet another child amidst our species' grotesque overpopulation.
I do understand, maybe, that an overwhelmingly visceral and emotional desire to procreate overcomes many people. But if one is not swept away by that impulse, then there is simply no reason to submit to parenthood. Conformist pressures from society and impatience from potential grandparents can be readily ignored and dismissed with a modicum of assertiveness.
Besides, just a bit of objective observation confirms that the vast majority of newly born children will be treated as little more than cheap labor in our cutthroat economy, framed by a rapidly degrading natural environment that will of course take society down with it. No amount of endemic American optimism will change that, and each additional child moves us closer to that outcome.
I do understand, maybe, that an overwhelmingly visceral and emotional desire to procreate overcomes many people. But if one is not swept away by that impulse, then there is simply no reason to submit to parenthood. Conformist pressures from society and impatience from potential grandparents can be readily ignored and dismissed with a modicum of assertiveness.
Besides, just a bit of objective observation confirms that the vast majority of newly born children will be treated as little more than cheap labor in our cutthroat economy, framed by a rapidly degrading natural environment that will of course take society down with it. No amount of endemic American optimism will change that, and each additional child moves us closer to that outcome.
5
One should consider the collective implications of the choice not to have children, not just the personal implications.
Children by and large grow up with the values of their parents, even if expressed differently. As they age, this certainly becomes even more true. I don't know of research on the subject, but in my experience the preponderance of those choosing not to have children -- as well as those choosing to have fewer children -- are much more politically and socially liberal than those who choose to have children or more children.
The inexorable implication of this is that liberalism does not reproduce the way conservatism does. Thus, liberals who choose not to have kids are collectively acting in a way that is, in the long run, contrary to their values.
Both genetics and culture paint a self-limiting future for liberal values if and to the extent liberals refrain from having children. Child-bearing decisions are absolutely a personal decision, but recognition of that cannot negate collective implications.
Children by and large grow up with the values of their parents, even if expressed differently. As they age, this certainly becomes even more true. I don't know of research on the subject, but in my experience the preponderance of those choosing not to have children -- as well as those choosing to have fewer children -- are much more politically and socially liberal than those who choose to have children or more children.
The inexorable implication of this is that liberalism does not reproduce the way conservatism does. Thus, liberals who choose not to have kids are collectively acting in a way that is, in the long run, contrary to their values.
Both genetics and culture paint a self-limiting future for liberal values if and to the extent liberals refrain from having children. Child-bearing decisions are absolutely a personal decision, but recognition of that cannot negate collective implications.
5
Consider a biological perspective on this issue. We are all merely vehicles to protect, transport, and pass on our germ cells; in addition we can serve our germ material by protecting and raising our offspring. Absent active intervention, having children is just in the natural course of things: if one is heterosexual, and indulges in one's normal impulses, children will eventuate unless one uses contraception. This explains why there are so many children despite the burdens, cares, and inconveniences of parenthood: it is entirely natural to beget and nurture children, even when it is difficult. One does not have to be ready for it, or good at it: it just happens. Have any of the many commenters who claim that parenthood is now too expensive and inconvenient paused to consider how poor people manage to have and raise so many children, and to seemingly enjoy it so much? Contrary to the opinions expressed by so many here, parenthood is one of life's cheapest and chiefest pleasures, available to most and bound to produce lots of excitement and drama. It is not one of those ephemeral pleasures that one needs to keep working on: it just keeps going by itself. It is, in fact, the purpose of life: begetting more life. From a biological point of view, everything else is just decoration.
6
We decided to remain childfree because one of us would have to become a full time parent given the cost of daycare. We were not prepared to take the financial loss of having only one source of income. In our lives, we have seen jobs outsourced and we also felt there was a good chance that could happen to one of us. We decided that our safety net was having two careers. I realize it is not the most common choice but it is ours and we take full responsibility for it. It seems that many parents do not think through the consequences of having children and then complain that they cannot make ends meet. I feel if we had a system of state sponsored day care that the choice to have children would be easier.
37
Unmentioned are those of us who spend our days with children, but not our nights and weekends. I am a public school teacher; I mentor and teach 26 second and third graders every day. I love my job, but it requires me to be unfailingly patient. So, at 3:10 I wave goodbye to my students, work a couple more hours to ready myself to do it again the next day, but then my time is my own. I eat grownup food, I don't have to sit through kiddie movies, and theme parks play no part in my travel plans. I can't imagine doing any other job, but I can't imagine doing it if I had kids of my own.
239
I have children and it is often very boring, as they have no 'Off' switch and you are on duty 24/7.
Nature makes puppies and babies cute for a good reason.
Nature makes puppies and babies cute for a good reason.
7
Perhaps that is not mentioned here ,because this is an article entitled “No Kids for me,Thanks.” Being a teacher is not the same as being a parent.There are plenty of teachers who have their own children,and are “unfailingly patient”. You made the right choice,given your statement “I eat grownup food,I don’t have to sit through kiddie movies,and them parks play no part in my travel plans.”Those are the EASY
parts of parenthood,and you wouldn’t want to do them.You didn’t say anything about changing dirty diapers,or being projectile-vomited on,sitting up with a sick child,and so much more.
parts of parenthood,and you wouldn’t want to do them.You didn’t say anything about changing dirty diapers,or being projectile-vomited on,sitting up with a sick child,and so much more.
4
Wow, you just did exactly what this article is talking about, implying that I am selfish because I am not a parent. It was not an irrelevant comment to make, because I am a person who has chosen to not have children, but I live a different life than others mentioned in the article because I spend my day with kids. Do you really think I don't understand that many teachers are parents, and do an excellent job at both? They are my colleagues, and they amaze me.
3
and this article never gets to the elephant in the room - the ecosystem is in the earliest stages of collapse due to human over-population that has countless scientific articles predicting a hellish living environment by 2050, when the precious little snowflakes of the procreators are only 34 - what will their helicopter parents do about that one?
182
I agree in principle, although, of course, doomsday overpopulation scenarios have been predicted thirty years in the future since forever ("Soylent Green" anyone?)
3
I've never liked kids, so this was an easy one for me!
53
LOVE the honesty! As a teacher, I see too many parents who SHOULDN'T have children... at least you own your decision.
Raising two children has been the hardest but most joyful thing I've ever done. No one should have children unless they really want them. As a retired social worker who worked in child welfare and also with the homebound elderly and handicapped, I can tell you that child abuse and neglect weren't invented recently. Tragedy and intergenerational issues ensue, though not in every case. Some of us are much better parents than the ones we had, but we still feel the pain of what we went through and the agony of not being able to save the sibling(s) who didn't make it out alive.
74
As a school bus driver I observed much of the same; these were not upscale helicopter parents, but often low-income single parents and two-parent families struggling economically who had several children along with a severely handicapped child. In other instances, the kids were thrown into my "special ed" bus due to behavioral issues emanating from the family dysfunction you describe.
I have observed educated boomers with five children overwhelmed launching their now young adults with not enough financial means to propel all of their children into living wage jobs and careers. This is tragic for the young adults without proper job skills and with incredible college debt. None of these parents can contribute to the community at large because they are so immersed in the survival of their overpopulated progeny.
Believe U.S. culture and policies must shift to strongly encourage reproducing no more than two children, along with the acceptance of childless adults, as a cultural norm. Here in New Mexico and also in Oregon, former residence, there are thousands of homeless children and teens waiting for adoption; too many people are saddled with their biological children to adopt. There simply are not enough gay couples and financially and emotionally stable singles to adopt these kids.
Best analogy is continued dog breeding in the midst of the plethora of homeless and abandoned dogs: Not a formula for well being of the planet nor for the creatures inhabiting it.
I have observed educated boomers with five children overwhelmed launching their now young adults with not enough financial means to propel all of their children into living wage jobs and careers. This is tragic for the young adults without proper job skills and with incredible college debt. None of these parents can contribute to the community at large because they are so immersed in the survival of their overpopulated progeny.
Believe U.S. culture and policies must shift to strongly encourage reproducing no more than two children, along with the acceptance of childless adults, as a cultural norm. Here in New Mexico and also in Oregon, former residence, there are thousands of homeless children and teens waiting for adoption; too many people are saddled with their biological children to adopt. There simply are not enough gay couples and financially and emotionally stable singles to adopt these kids.
Best analogy is continued dog breeding in the midst of the plethora of homeless and abandoned dogs: Not a formula for well being of the planet nor for the creatures inhabiting it.
1
Nice to read an article like this because there is so much pressure on people to have children and shaming them if they don't. Without even knowing reasons why someone has chosen to be child-free, often other people will make the assumption that it's selfishness at the root. That's just mean, stupid, slanderous judgment. Raising a child is a huge commitment and if someone is responsible enough to decide, for whatever reason, that they are not into it, that's truly mature decision-making. I just wish people with kids didn't look smugly down on those who don't have kids. It's best to live and let live.
158
My husband and I never wanted children, and when acquaintances hear that we do not have children, they usually say "Oh, you'll change your mind!" or "Why on earth not?" Would they ever say such things to people who have kids--"Why did you bother having kids?"
5
Better an adult who does not have a child and eventually regrets it than an adult who has a child and then regrets it.
Neither is anything to be wished for but the miserable consequences of the latter can be much more serious than those of the former.
Neither is anything to be wished for but the miserable consequences of the latter can be much more serious than those of the former.
322
Yes! I grew up with a mother who lamented constantly over what she could have accomplished in her life if she hadn't me. Now she wonders why I don't ever want to spend time with her. Life is short. I'd rather spend it with people who don't make me feel bad about myself.
People who choose not to have children are missing out on a huge source of love - a love they will never get elsewhere.
16
I have plenty of love in my life even without kids. Also, I'm not contributing to the demise of planet earth by adding more first world inhabitants.
9
George: I would never consider bringing a human being into this environmentally stressed world just because that person might make me feel better about myself.
10
To say nothing of huge headaches, the likes of which are also not available from other sources.
3
I get the best advice on parenting from my childless friends.
21
Very funny! I know this to be true! If only my sisters had taken my advice my nieces and nephews would be on the road to immense financial success, be creative lovers of the arts, be sophisticated world travelers, be renown for their community and public service and never know a day of regret
Instead they struggle to make ends meet, get together for huge family dinners, help each other out when needed, laugh a lot, cry a lot, love a lot.
My husband and I wouldn't trade our chosen childless life for anything. We have contributed financially and given different cultural experiences to our nieces and nephews and now their children. So we've had the best of all worlds for us.
Instead they struggle to make ends meet, get together for huge family dinners, help each other out when needed, laugh a lot, cry a lot, love a lot.
My husband and I wouldn't trade our chosen childless life for anything. We have contributed financially and given different cultural experiences to our nieces and nephews and now their children. So we've had the best of all worlds for us.
2
I always start my advice and ends with "I don't have kids so I don't understand what you're going through"
1
For any person, there are things that are naturally good for him or her. One does not always know in advance what those things are going to be. One is not likely to find out, in my opinion, by doing thought experiments about creeping commercialism or the codes of upper-middle-class parenting.
6
I'm a parent of four and grandparent of six. I decided early on that this is what I wanted to do with my life and I'm glad I did. A number of my friends decided otherwise and they're glad they did. We all knew people who had parents who probably shouldn't have had kids. In "Great Expectations," his demographic study of the Baby Boom Generation, Landon Jones described the cultural pressures that contributed to the boom. Boomers could choose to resist those pressures because of the advent of reliable birth control. Some of us made that choice. The human race isn't likely to go extinct anytime soon because we aren't reproducing fast enough, so I don't see why there should be any stigma attached to the choice not to become parents.
85
I love my 2 kids (now adults) and 2 grandchildren, but realize that my life has been a long grind to raise them and maintain financial stability. The future looks bleak with the world unable to address climate change and inequality. Perhaps enough is enough and it's time to change our whole way of life: no more kids, cars, plastic, big houses, etc.
115
Your comment is a perennial refrain, and yet we are here.
If you don't have kids, you don't have grandchildren, and that would be too bad.
12
Geroge Talbot:
One can always volunteer at a school if one feels a need to play Grandparent for the Day. The energies of people who don't have kids can fill in the gap for people who have them and are exhausted and need help.
One can always volunteer at a school if one feels a need to play Grandparent for the Day. The energies of people who don't have kids can fill in the gap for people who have them and are exhausted and need help.
1
You might not have grandchildren anyway. Not all children decide to have their own children. And not all can, and not all even live long enough.
2
I have 2 children, and I am pretty sure I will not live to see grandchildren.
No doubt a radical shift in how our culture welcomes, nurtures, and educates children and regards parents is needed. I for one cannot understand how we "give away" our children to supposed experts for the best hours of the day, work long hours in such competitive jobs, pick up our children late in the day, work to put a meal on the table, then wash the dishes, crank out homework, and expect that in these marginal hours we'll somehow have warm sustaining relations between parents and children. Our culture, through such practices has been systemically stripped of its ability to regard children. I think some of this stripping disregard for children is in the background of this newspaper article. I for one have submerged myself in homeschooling my daughters and though I drive a twenty year old car, and am down the social scale now I am gaining connections with my daughters and other counter cultural homeschooling " radicals" that is truly joyfull, relaxed, and deeply satisfying. Way more exercise, preparing healthy foods together. I thought such things only existed in a different time when parents had more time for their children. Parents and children need and greatly appreciate non- parenting adults in their lives. It takes a village.
12
While a "village" is nice nothing replaces parents who want and are capable of raising children. No village needed, but perhaps an extended family is a village in your opinion.
Really, what's to like about a large percentage of American children? They tend to take control of any environment with, apparently, the blessings of their parents. Restaurants are turned into day care centers, parties are show and tell sessions, the show and tell subject matter little Muffy and Buffy. I recently read a very entertaining book by a woman who has changed her parenting style to that practiced by the French, a country where one can actually eat in a restaurant where children are present and not be bombarded by the little darlings. Is it any wonder people continue to opt out of parenting? My five kids are doing well, thank you.
29
I was 15 years-old when I decided I did not want to be a father. I come from an upper middle-class family, my parents are both college-educated and they are still together after 50 years, my brother, my sister and I all went to college and graduate school.
To me it was access to information early in life what gave me the insight to decide not to have children. I learned how human reproduction works early enough to have a good time without getting girls pregnant. I also learned how your life is no longer yours when you become a parent. So, that was that and it's the best decision I ever made.
To me it was access to information early in life what gave me the insight to decide not to have children. I learned how human reproduction works early enough to have a good time without getting girls pregnant. I also learned how your life is no longer yours when you become a parent. So, that was that and it's the best decision I ever made.
59
I became a father late in life and, despite all my worrying, it turned out to be a wonderful experience. But you're never ready to have kids. Ever.
30
Nature is dying; there are too many people in the world for nature to handle at current modes of consumption. Not having kids by choice is a very personal decision which can easily be seen as motivated by enormous self-centeredness. But in the context of saving the planet, it's just the opposite. Moreover, the global emancipation of women will automatically result in lower population growth. All good things will come from gender equality. Women are not women; they're people.
88
Those who don't have children are doing humanity a favor---you're right. But this is a taboo subject. Denial of our overpopulation disaster-in-process is the chosen response of most people. Americans still think of a "big family" as a good thing and stubbornly refuse to see the consequences to the earth. We're bequeathing to our grandchildren an unlivable world. The Chinese had the right idea: one child per family. Two to three generations of that kind of restraint and the planet's human population might stabilize before our resources have been totally destroyed and even humans go extinct.
1
"...in the context of saving the planet..."
One observes that this "contribution" is also made by members of our Gay Community.
P Falco
One observes that this "contribution" is also made by members of our Gay Community.
P Falco
“I think about having to attend or host children’s birthday parties, and it seems exhausting and unappealing,” she said.
I have two boys I adore and yet this statement could have come out of my mouth. I think there is still such pressure to love every minute of being a parent which just isn't possible. Its ok to hate your work at times and not ok to hate parenting at times. With this pressure, plus insane expectations at work, I can understand why some people say no to having kids. Its too bad that our society hasn't achieved a more nuanced and less perfect sense of how to live. At the same time, I know that I have grown so much with the unpredictability and unplanned events that my kids have brought to my life. I hope I can only offer them the same depth of experience.
I have two boys I adore and yet this statement could have come out of my mouth. I think there is still such pressure to love every minute of being a parent which just isn't possible. Its ok to hate your work at times and not ok to hate parenting at times. With this pressure, plus insane expectations at work, I can understand why some people say no to having kids. Its too bad that our society hasn't achieved a more nuanced and less perfect sense of how to live. At the same time, I know that I have grown so much with the unpredictability and unplanned events that my kids have brought to my life. I hope I can only offer them the same depth of experience.
18
I once thought I didn't want kids. The lengthy amount of time it took to secure my PhD was one factor. Then, after having lived as a poor graduate student for so long, I wanted to have some fun once I was finally done and it was hard to imagine children fitting into that picture. To make matters even more challenging, as a gay couple, having a baby was going to be an extremely deliberate and costly decision. This was not going tp be a, "let's just go off birth control and see what happens kind of deal." After several years of having a selfish amount of fun, we got to a point where we wanted more. Yet another vacation or fun toy wasn't going to make is any happier.
A year or so later, we have a little 10 month old bundle of joy. The only thought I've had is that it's too bad that people truly can't just try out parenting. You can be an aunt/uncle or have tons of kids in your live, or you can read every single thing there is to know about parenting, yet there is no approximation to the true thing. You've just got to make a decision and live with it. For me, I never knew I could love something so much. It's as though another chamber opened up in my heart.
A year or so later, we have a little 10 month old bundle of joy. The only thought I've had is that it's too bad that people truly can't just try out parenting. You can be an aunt/uncle or have tons of kids in your live, or you can read every single thing there is to know about parenting, yet there is no approximation to the true thing. You've just got to make a decision and live with it. For me, I never knew I could love something so much. It's as though another chamber opened up in my heart.
69
That's just great for you and your ego. Unfortunately planet earth is having a tough time surviving all those little bundles of joy.
I find the discussion at least as interesting as the article. The reasons we choose to have children (or not) can be deeply personal, and have nothing whatsoever to do with selfishness, narcissism, expense, or any of the other most commonly mentioned reasons for opting in our out of parenthood.
Having children may be about having love to give -- love of a particular sort, and knowing it's there for the giving.
Having children may be about wanting family -- if you have little to no family of your own.
Not having children may be about doubting your psychological or physical capacity to do it as you believe it should be done, which to me seems like appropriate self-knowledge. On this score, however, as one gentleman commented (an example), we may underestimate our capacity for parenting well if our own parents did not.
Not having children may reflect a desire to love life fully on one's own or with a partner, and again, self-knowledge that this is what suits. Why is that selfish? Why should any of us judge?
Having children may be about having love to give -- love of a particular sort, and knowing it's there for the giving.
Having children may be about wanting family -- if you have little to no family of your own.
Not having children may be about doubting your psychological or physical capacity to do it as you believe it should be done, which to me seems like appropriate self-knowledge. On this score, however, as one gentleman commented (an example), we may underestimate our capacity for parenting well if our own parents did not.
Not having children may reflect a desire to love life fully on one's own or with a partner, and again, self-knowledge that this is what suits. Why is that selfish? Why should any of us judge?
41
Having had two children, born before women had reproductive options, I envy my childless female friends, even though I cannot imagine my life without my wonderful children.
What you said.
I don't understand the argument that by not having a family you contribute to population control--. That's hypocritical altruism. It's possibly to have it both ways--be a parent and limit the expansion of the earth's population. It's called adoption. I know several families who could have had biological children, but chose instead to adopt. We need more families like them.
13
I am a 66 year old child-free woman who has never regretted my decision. For those who call me selfish, I say.....duh! So should I a selfish person have children? Of course not.
112
Funny, I see those who insist on creating a little self-replicant -- instead of spreading their resources beyond their own nuclear family to help other, existing people (and the innocent animal life we harm by our presence) as the selfish ones.
Unselfish = putting aside one's own gratification for the greater good. In a world speeding toward 11 billion humans on the planet, the greater good is served by restraint, not "close our eyes and hope for the best" reproductive choices.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/09/140918-population-global...
Unselfish = putting aside one's own gratification for the greater good. In a world speeding toward 11 billion humans on the planet, the greater good is served by restraint, not "close our eyes and hope for the best" reproductive choices.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/09/140918-population-global...
5
I'm about your age and never had a moments' regret either. Not everyone enjoys the company of children, nor is every woman suited to motherhood. For me, the crucial issue is gratitude, that I live in a time with readily accessible birth control and reduced social pressure to procreate.
4
To have or not to have...this is a question that can be answered without having to bring anyone down to justify such a personal decision.
Most well functioning parents, regardless of economic status, want what they feel is best for their children...no need to judge what is termed "helicopter parents" or those who seek to get their children into elite schools. No need to factor in laissez-faire parenting styles--and interrupted racket sport moments--to justify such an important decision.
Having worked with children--planned and otherwise-- as a career, it is always refreshing to hear people's parenting and child free stories--especially from those who make no excuse or justification for their decisions.
Honestly, no one really wants to see this societal choice become part of the "mommy-wars...cloth diaper wars...breast feeding wars...natural birth wars" which are tiresome and disturbing to think so much comparison and justification is involved in the most intimate of choices which involves the most innocent of us all--babies and children.
Most well functioning parents, regardless of economic status, want what they feel is best for their children...no need to judge what is termed "helicopter parents" or those who seek to get their children into elite schools. No need to factor in laissez-faire parenting styles--and interrupted racket sport moments--to justify such an important decision.
Having worked with children--planned and otherwise-- as a career, it is always refreshing to hear people's parenting and child free stories--especially from those who make no excuse or justification for their decisions.
Honestly, no one really wants to see this societal choice become part of the "mommy-wars...cloth diaper wars...breast feeding wars...natural birth wars" which are tiresome and disturbing to think so much comparison and justification is involved in the most intimate of choices which involves the most innocent of us all--babies and children.
9
Children are for people who can't have pets.
118
I can't have pets so I adopted lots of them!
1
As a cardiologist, there is nothing sadder than when I realize that a patient in whom I'm putting a pacemaker in has no children (and no family) to drive them home from the procedure. They are utterly alone.
Some of these people will eventually die alone. To me, that is a compelling argument to have children.
Some of these people will eventually die alone. To me, that is a compelling argument to have children.
15
There are plenty of elderly people alone in nursing home who have children.
340
I visit an elderly aunt regularly; she is in her late 80s and has three perfectly healthy children in their early 60s who live within 20 minutes drive -- closer than I do. They work less than I do (if at all) and have plenty of money. The nursing home staff tell me that I am by far the most frequent visitor. By far. And the other 'inmates' of the home, as they call themselves -- all parents -- envy my aunt the frequent visits that I and another "selfish childfree" cousin make to her, and the outings we take her on.
So much for not "growing old and alone," eh? If it weren't for us, she would be.
To me, cardiologist, your "compelling argument" is both fallacious and compellingly selfish and short-sighted. Produce another human being or more, with all of the attendant risks to society & drain on the planet, just to have someone to cart one around in old age? Absurd and a sadly maudlin, limited way of thinking.
If you can find "nothing sadder" in life than that, you are not looking around. I find babies that are beaten and smashed by ill-prepared, too-young parents to be sadder. Babies with flat heads and stunted brains from being neglected are sadder. Kids forced to live with parents' constant bickering and fighting and resentment are sadder. Kids that put up with mommy's 8th boyfriend in three years are sadder. The list goes on.
So much for not "growing old and alone," eh? If it weren't for us, she would be.
To me, cardiologist, your "compelling argument" is both fallacious and compellingly selfish and short-sighted. Produce another human being or more, with all of the attendant risks to society & drain on the planet, just to have someone to cart one around in old age? Absurd and a sadly maudlin, limited way of thinking.
If you can find "nothing sadder" in life than that, you are not looking around. I find babies that are beaten and smashed by ill-prepared, too-young parents to be sadder. Babies with flat heads and stunted brains from being neglected are sadder. Kids forced to live with parents' constant bickering and fighting and resentment are sadder. Kids that put up with mommy's 8th boyfriend in three years are sadder. The list goes on.
25
Needing an unpaid caregiver when one is experiencing illness or infirmities that come with age is one of the worst possible reasons to have a child. And as a cardiologist you should know that ultimately no matter how many tearful descendents in the room, we do die as an individual.
Most of the boomer generation who (as I did) oversaw the care of our elderly parents swear we will never inflict that task on children. Those of us who love our children have made detailed plans for alternatives.
Most of the boomer generation who (as I did) oversaw the care of our elderly parents swear we will never inflict that task on children. Those of us who love our children have made detailed plans for alternatives.
23
This is sanity in reaction to the insanity of "the nuclear family". Homo sapiens are designed for rearing in a tribal group by an extended family. Yes, with the "childless" participating.
14
My husband didn't have children because, having experienced it first-hand, he didn't want to inflict childhood on anyone else.
50
Overpopulation is the elephant in the room no one will talk about -- I didn't have kids for this reason. American kids overconsume many times what the rest of the world does; everyone is in denial -- just shop and be happy!
Our current hypercapitalist system encourages everyone to have lots of kids (future consumers!) with absolutely no regard for the rapidly accruing consequences -- climate change, species extinction, dwindling resources, water and arable land. As for selfishness, I paid more taxes than most billionaires for 50 years and am certainly entitled to the benefits promised by the social contract after a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice.
Our current hypercapitalist system encourages everyone to have lots of kids (future consumers!) with absolutely no regard for the rapidly accruing consequences -- climate change, species extinction, dwindling resources, water and arable land. As for selfishness, I paid more taxes than most billionaires for 50 years and am certainly entitled to the benefits promised by the social contract after a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice.
48
We live in a high-cost urban area. Decided we didn't make enough money to have children (private schools are a must out here). So we didn't, had a great time together despite earning only average wages, took early retirement, and are still having a great time together....but we did a lot of financial plnng and also have very expensive long-term care policies. And yes, our friends/family who had kids, made more $$$ than we did, and are facing an expensive old age where one big emergency will collapse their finances, are envious. It's all about choices, in the end. We didn't want to sacrifice our lives to treadmill careers, but we didn't make enough salary to afford a good education for even one kid.
22
Each child costs about $250,000. Even aside from the cost of college, the size of the home alone is a huge expense, as even a small house needs a bedroom for opposite sex children. Then there is the fact that each child's entire wardrobe must be replaced every year, often more than once, as they do not stop growing until they are almost out of their teen years.
If I had not had children, I would have been able to retire in my mid-50s, rather than have to work until I drop dead at my desk, but while there have been many days I wished I could put them in suspended animation for awhile, they have enriched my life in more ways than I can count.
If I had not had children, I would have been able to retire in my mid-50s, rather than have to work until I drop dead at my desk, but while there have been many days I wished I could put them in suspended animation for awhile, they have enriched my life in more ways than I can count.
101
"If I had not had children, I would have been able to retire in my mid-50s, rather than have to work until I drop dead at my desk, but while there have been many days I wished I could put them in suspended animation for awhile, they have enriched my life in more ways than I can count."
You know, I can relate to that; but are we fooling ourselves or rationalizing when we say that having children has "enriched our lives"? Of course there are great moments; moments of bonding and love. But I think that the millennial's see how overwhelmed their own parents are and see the fallacy in having children to "enrich your life". I don't think it is a good trade-off; and neither do the kids.
You know, I can relate to that; but are we fooling ourselves or rationalizing when we say that having children has "enriched our lives"? Of course there are great moments; moments of bonding and love. But I think that the millennial's see how overwhelmed their own parents are and see the fallacy in having children to "enrich your life". I don't think it is a good trade-off; and neither do the kids.
2
That's the weirdest comment that people need separate bedrooms for opposite sex children - just so you're aware, that's a luxury in most parts of the world. A bedroom is a luxury.
1
Happiness, happiness, happiness. Whatever that means. Most of us reading this article have complete freedom from want. Happiness? If that's your major focus then it's easier to safeguard your individual happiness than to reproduce and worry about the happiness of your offspring as well. In the past a sense of duty, tradition, and family is what kept society going; not groups of individuals doggedly seeking "happiness" and living in society primarily to have their garbage collected. If only all these doubts about reproducing could be transferred from the have-too-muches to the have-nots, who truly can't afford to have children because they don't have the money or the ability to care for them.
15
I'm glad to see young people today exercise their right to choose. I and 14 other child free women of the '60s, now in their 60s last year published a book of our stories, "Kid Me Not," and invite others to tell their stories on childfreewomen.com. As part of Women's History Month, we just had a reading at the Austin History Center. This topic is critical to the future of our overcrowded planet.
31
When I was struggling with infertility and miscarriage, I hated articles like these because I knew that others presumed my husband and I were childless by choice. Far from it, and I suspect that is the case for many childless adults. Ours was a battle against infertility, but I also have many female friends who would have reproduced but for not meeting the right partner in time. It's far from simple or affordable to bear or adopt a child on one's own, and that's another false assumption--that single women can easily have a child on their own. This article was interesting to read but only scratched the surface and missed much of the nuance. Certainly there are older adults, single or married, who have made the conscious decision not to have children. But there are many (probably more) for whom it wasn't entirely a choice.
I'm now the mother of one, my husband and I are both in our 40s, and I have to concur with one major theme in this piece. Childhood today is quite different than what we experienced in the 1970s. There is a lot more stuff and much more pressure on parents. I don't think that's materialistic as much as reflects how much harder life has gotten for the middle class in the intervening years.
I'm now the mother of one, my husband and I are both in our 40s, and I have to concur with one major theme in this piece. Childhood today is quite different than what we experienced in the 1970s. There is a lot more stuff and much more pressure on parents. I don't think that's materialistic as much as reflects how much harder life has gotten for the middle class in the intervening years.
54
Your comment is an interesting one. My two siblings and I have no biological children. But one has four step children and one miscarried the one and only pregnancy.
The intense IVF industry, the crazy and sometimes corrupted adoption industry, is part and parcel of not accepting infertility as a natural and necessary state of being.
With the doubling of lifespans, more mechanization of certain jobs, the doubling of the population has created more unemployed, early and forcibly retired, and less leverage for most workers in any given industry. To say nothing of the loss of arable land, clean air and water.
The Zero Population Growth movement were considered as crazy as the climate change movement is now.
ZPG, turned out to be right.
IVF enabled those who could not (and sometimes should not), to have children, but created more dependency and stress on finite resources.
But less respect and acceptance for infertility and sterility.
Considering that nearly half the world's population lives in poverty, disease and violence...all those things that endanger the rest...
I cannot dare hope that the climate change mavens are incorrect.
The intense IVF industry, the crazy and sometimes corrupted adoption industry, is part and parcel of not accepting infertility as a natural and necessary state of being.
With the doubling of lifespans, more mechanization of certain jobs, the doubling of the population has created more unemployed, early and forcibly retired, and less leverage for most workers in any given industry. To say nothing of the loss of arable land, clean air and water.
The Zero Population Growth movement were considered as crazy as the climate change movement is now.
ZPG, turned out to be right.
IVF enabled those who could not (and sometimes should not), to have children, but created more dependency and stress on finite resources.
But less respect and acceptance for infertility and sterility.
Considering that nearly half the world's population lives in poverty, disease and violence...all those things that endanger the rest...
I cannot dare hope that the climate change mavens are incorrect.
This article isn't missing any nuance. It was about women and men who CHOOSE not to have children. I have made that choice, and most people assume that it is because I was not able to. The default assumption in America is that everyone should want children because it has become a status symbol and sign of achievement. This article is about the people who CHOSE, and the point is that it is NOT NUANCED. I never wanted children. I still don't. No regrets. There are plenty of articles about people who struggle with their fertility and struggle to meet partners in time. This article was not one of them and to criticize it on that basis is off-point.
Are you suggesting that parents had it easier in the 1970s? My 1970s childhood was full of abuse and neglect, my parents had lots of pressure. I know in talking with my friends who are currently raising children that they are not experiencing some great pressure. There was never an easier time to be a parent.
Why isn't the decision not to have children as equally valued as the decision to have children? I have kids and friends who do and don't have kids and choosing either route isn't cause for me to judge them on any level. We're all entitled to choose our paths in life to the extent that our circumstances allow. Am I missing something?
30
I never wanted kids. I knew this when I was a kid. My mother was aghast when I told her. Not want kids!? That's not normal! Yeah...well.. I had inside information. I was a kid, I knew how they operated. The selfishness, the manipulation, ( remember that kid who feigned injury or hurt to get stuff?) the bulling that went on--in school, ballet classes, yeah, ballet, the playground. Kids have no compunction to destroy what is in there way. (Ok, not all kids, just the ones who, in their middle age, keep psychoanalysts busy deconstructing their secret selves so they may unburden themselves of their guilt over damage done as mini-narcissists long ago.) Harsh? No...think back to childhood. Be honest with your now grown, fully integrated self and remember. Here's a tissue. Let it all out. For those of us who chose not to have kids, we have the satisfaction of knowing: we will not be abandoned in old age, no one will fight over the will and stuff left behind, no adult child will be living in our basement, behind in child support and self- medicating, nor will we be raising our grandchildren as ours while parents are awol. Get a living will, a few good friends, a doctor you can trust, and be kind to people. (Having great dogs never hurt, either)Kids, definitely optional.
89
Young and childless is fine, but might be little comfort as we age and become increasingly isolated and lonely. Best to foster some relationships with younger people who can be an advocate for you in your elder years. Selfish, perhaps, but maybe no more selfish than expecting society to provide an advocate for you in your last years. Not to mention our basic biological purpose in life which to have offspring and continue the species. The fact that the best educated and most affluent are least likely to have children does not bode well for the welfare of future generations.
12
Our only child is adopted. Not having a biological child is no big thing for us. Married but no kids is undoubtedly one of the answers to overpopulation.
What we would miss, however, are the daily videos that our daughter send us of our granddaughter and the cross country visits twice a year. Don't know if nieces and nephews would be the same, especially putting aside extra cash for a large 529 college fund.
What we would miss, however, are the daily videos that our daughter send us of our granddaughter and the cross country visits twice a year. Don't know if nieces and nephews would be the same, especially putting aside extra cash for a large 529 college fund.
1
My wife and I are in our early fifties and have been married for 20 years. We decided against having kids because we have such a close and wonderful relationship. We have seen the toll of kids on many of our friends marriages and didn't want to risk it. It's not as if all of our friends are getting divorced, but many of them remain in relationships that have soured because the stress of the kids has changed the dynamics of their relationships. Neither of us had enough desire for kids in the first place to risk that change.
31
I am almost 50 and never wanted children. When I was younger, people would tell me that I will change my mind when I met "the right person", as if my decision was just a passing fad. Well, it wasn't. I now find myself, at times, having to defend, my decision to remain childless. Would these same people go to someone with children and ask why they did choose to have children? Probably not.
68
This whole discussion feels very odd to me. There has to be an acknowledgement that having children is a larger biological, demographic, and economic necessity. If someone chooses not to have children, there's nothing wrong with that, but they have to appreciate the social good provided by those who willingly do (unwanted pregnancies are a whole different issue.)
I'm a parent and I readily agree that there's a truly unpleasant strand of self-absorbed parents who are raising kids with no self-discipline or regard for others. But that's no reason not to have kids yourself, and hopefully do a better job of it.
I'm a parent and I readily agree that there's a truly unpleasant strand of self-absorbed parents who are raising kids with no self-discipline or regard for others. But that's no reason not to have kids yourself, and hopefully do a better job of it.
15
Social good? Tally up the social costs incurred by those who do have kids and I think you will find the childfree more than hold their own in terms of contributing to the general good. Particularly thanks to our discriminatory tax code and public entitlement programs.
2
I am in my 50s, and am childless except for two adult stepchildren--I married their father six years ago. This is my second marriage, and I was married briefly in my 20s. I did not consciously make a choice "not to have children." It's just that I did not have a relationship that was conducive to marriage, kids and career when I was at prime child-bearing age. I don't believe in single motherhood as a deliberate choice (i.e., not the result of breakups/divorces, death of partner/spouse, family member, et al.) unless someone is adopting/taking care of foster children. It seems selfish to say "Well, I want to have a child becuase I feel like it." A kid deserves the best possible start. And if you do have kids, the biggest expenses are healthcare and college. Who says you have to spend a fortune on must-have consumer items, fancy camps, lessons, smart phones and a personal auto for the teen in your life. I feel very glad that I grew up in the 60s and 70s. We played outside; we didn't wear designer clothes; we rode bicycles; and we had to borrow the family car if we went out. We didn't have our own televisions, and if you were a girl who wanted her own (local land line) phone, you saved your allowance/babysitting money to buy one. I think one of the reasons some people are exhausted by raising children is that they treat their kids as small adults. And yes, Park Slope and places like it are guilty of this trend.
10
I just want people to stop telling me that I'll "never know real love" because I don't have or want children.
258
That is nonsense, but what people without children will never know is love that when it is not working out and not meeting any of your needs, you can not just walk away.
Not understanding this before they have children is why there are so many unhappy parents, although they will deny it.
Not understanding this before they have children is why there are so many unhappy parents, although they will deny it.
Good for you. I'd be the last one to tell a woman how I think she should define love.
1
Why do adults need children to "find real love?" Assuming many of these adults are part of two-parent families, why are they not finding "real love" with their partners? This is not a good prescription for healthy parenthood.
3
After 25 years of fascinating & unwise dating choices, I slowly learned that conception was not to be for me. I had of course seen this coming from afar, and I knew it was likely to be the worst loss of my life. Those 25 years were brutal though; if I were having them now, I'd call them a subtle but intransigent mental illness, and every step of that way I did not want a child just yet ... because I knew I would raise that child wrong. If you've had a mentally ill parent, you can imagine what I mean. That is my gift to the new generation: I do my part to stop over-population and I do not raise a child who has to remember his or her childhood as an endless expanse of psychic pain. It was a hard gift to prepare for you: Use it well.
26
That we are able to have this discussion at all is attributable to one fact: thanks to contraception, women have control over their bodies and reproductive choices. God bless Margaret Sanger, The Pill and Planned Parenthood. Today, this right is increasingly under threat and being scaled back by Republican-led assaults on the federal and state levels and unleashed by the male conservative majority on the Supreme Court. Please remember this the next time you vote, or decide not to.
175
If people are childless because they can't imagine "what's in it for me," then they are making the correct decision.
25
I'm 70, knew 55 years ago that I didn't want children, and didn't have any, but will never understand why anyone should care that I didn't want them. I've had, and am still having, a fabulous life. My choices might not be the ones you made, but they're mine, and I'm happy about them, with no regrets. I don't need reminders that I'll never have any of those adorable, smart grandchildren - - I do know the facts of life.
35
Interesting that selfish is used to describe the child-free when the consumption of resources by families with children is so obvious.
48
I had two children at the ripe old age of 37 and 39. What a shock! I gave up a career, discussing work and current events with other professionals, to trying to make friends with mothers at the playground with whom I had nothing in common, and talking about diapers and breastfeeding. Parenting is harder on mothers. Fathers still get to go off to work and use their brains and feel intelligent and productive, unless you can afford day care, and then, why did you have kids if you're not raising them? In my view, the best thing about parenting is that kids force you to change, and examine your beliefs. If you get stuck in the past, for example, your kids will hold a mirror up to you. You'll notice they'll tune you out, and if you want to still have a relationship with them, YOU must change, and keep up with the New World, the one they were born into. Because they force me to change and grow, I have found that having children a blessing. But that's me. I would never condemn any woman, especially one who loves her career to give it all up to bring another human being into a world that already holds 7 billion and counting.
22
"Your children are NOT your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself..."
Kahlil Gibran said it best in "The Prophet", 'On Children".
The best of parents, are still the past. Their children are of tomorrow. Change must come, events may be shared, but they don't remain still.
I know of many child free adults (and I'm one of them), who are an alternate, but supportable participant in the rearing of children. We are needed, our counsel and support is sought of those of us who are known to love children.
As a few have mentioned up thread, many child free adults work WITH children. We volunteer or do so professionally and THAT is quite satisfying.
It is ever true and a constant: no parent is completely on their own in the endeavor. The child free that cares about and loves children, has a way of facilitating raising children, even so.
Kahlil Gibran said it best in "The Prophet", 'On Children".
The best of parents, are still the past. Their children are of tomorrow. Change must come, events may be shared, but they don't remain still.
I know of many child free adults (and I'm one of them), who are an alternate, but supportable participant in the rearing of children. We are needed, our counsel and support is sought of those of us who are known to love children.
As a few have mentioned up thread, many child free adults work WITH children. We volunteer or do so professionally and THAT is quite satisfying.
It is ever true and a constant: no parent is completely on their own in the endeavor. The child free that cares about and loves children, has a way of facilitating raising children, even so.
1
Not mentioned is whether the choice is based on not perpetuating the selfish gene or the altruistic gene.
4
As a mom to a terrific 15 year-old I totally agree that dealing with other parents is the worst thing about child rearing. The level of entitlement and self-absorption that defines so much modern day parenting is pretty horrifying. Bad behavior has become a birthright.
28
People like to criticize others. Period. Mr. Dyer is one of those. When I didn't have a kid by 35, I was called selfish. When I then had just one, I was told my child would grow up selfish. It takes all kinds. I do agree that middle-class people tend to "over-parent" now, but that doesn't mean that all parents must do that. The thing I hated most was being called a "mom," as if I was everyone's mother. I didn't go to "moms" events. I survived.
13
Well, any man who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. Fascinating portraits by Teddy Wayne. One of the issues raised is the disdain, not for children, but for modern parenting. Parenting has always been tough, poor or wealthy. But modern parenting certainly has its dysfunction. A very young relative of mine recently had three parties for his birthday celebration. Modern parents have the dual fears of not being loved by their children, and worse, as Teddy Wayne exposes here, being rejected as insufficiently affluent.
I know several people who were raised in large families who refuse to have children in their adult lives. This includes rejection of the religions that mandate this excessive procreative behavior. For them, the large family was a sham.
Still, many parents develop their individual ways of raising, or coping, with their children. When you watch what the successful parents do, you see that parenting for them is neither a social mandate, nor an institution that overly adores the child. Parenting is one day at a time. There is some hope for parenting today.
But a sobering corollary from Teddy Waynes's fine article is that, while some refuse to have children, there are many parents who never should have had children.
I know several people who were raised in large families who refuse to have children in their adult lives. This includes rejection of the religions that mandate this excessive procreative behavior. For them, the large family was a sham.
Still, many parents develop their individual ways of raising, or coping, with their children. When you watch what the successful parents do, you see that parenting for them is neither a social mandate, nor an institution that overly adores the child. Parenting is one day at a time. There is some hope for parenting today.
But a sobering corollary from Teddy Waynes's fine article is that, while some refuse to have children, there are many parents who never should have had children.
13
I adopted a toddler when I was 49--the last possible moment, I think. She's in college now and from the moment I met her until right now, it's the best thing I ever did. Layettes, fancy wooden toys, daycare even--they are all over in a flash. Yes there is plenty of dreary, boring stuff to do to raise a child. But that's looking at the trees, not the forest.
I have no beef with those who decide not to become parents--I came thisclose to being one of them. And many of them are dear friends of mine and came to the rescue for me more than once. But to think of parenthood as all the stuff you have to buy is just not the big picture.
I have no beef with those who decide not to become parents--I came thisclose to being one of them. And many of them are dear friends of mine and came to the rescue for me more than once. But to think of parenthood as all the stuff you have to buy is just not the big picture.
16
The other subtle discrimination not mentioned -- how often have the child-free (and by extension, unmarried) employee been asked to work different hours, or be on-call on holidays because "the other person has more family obligations."
69
I have to say that my personal experience has been more like, oh, it's your child's 3rd birthday? Sorry, we need you to come in. Both my husband and myself have seen no special treatment whatsoever despite the fact that we have a family. We have never been afraid of hard work (nor do we have the luxury), however the most difficult thing we face is disappointing our children because of our demanding and very unsympathetic work schedules.
2
I admire brave women who don't succumb to the pressure of having kids.
It's not mandatory. Yet it often seems like kids are just another accessory, like the new handbag, new outfit, oh, new kid. Jane has one, I better get one too.
So many couples seem ill equipped to raise them, the worst being a certain upper middle class family who let their kids know they're entitled to anything and everything. Manhattan children the most spoiled little brats on the planet, decked out in the most expensive bike helmet,with knee pads, lest junior learn the lessons of safety, without them. Yes, and their 24/7 nannies, lest mom actually raise her own kid and not pawn it off to someone else.
Go to Europe and see how families raise their children to be respectful and put them in their place when they act out.
Once they have them its like the rest of us without kids should part the red sea to make way for you and your charge as you furiously push your chariot down the street.
Guess what? I don't care about your family drama playing out on the street, just get out of my way, and no I won't haul your chariot up the subway steps.
You decided to have junior, you deal with it.
God bless single/ childless women. My heroes.
It's not mandatory. Yet it often seems like kids are just another accessory, like the new handbag, new outfit, oh, new kid. Jane has one, I better get one too.
So many couples seem ill equipped to raise them, the worst being a certain upper middle class family who let their kids know they're entitled to anything and everything. Manhattan children the most spoiled little brats on the planet, decked out in the most expensive bike helmet,with knee pads, lest junior learn the lessons of safety, without them. Yes, and their 24/7 nannies, lest mom actually raise her own kid and not pawn it off to someone else.
Go to Europe and see how families raise their children to be respectful and put them in their place when they act out.
Once they have them its like the rest of us without kids should part the red sea to make way for you and your charge as you furiously push your chariot down the street.
Guess what? I don't care about your family drama playing out on the street, just get out of my way, and no I won't haul your chariot up the subway steps.
You decided to have junior, you deal with it.
God bless single/ childless women. My heroes.
37
I was with you until your last sentiments. Not help a person struggling with a stroller in the subway? That actually is not only selfish, but also mean spirited. I would never refuse to help anyone physically struggling with any situation.
3
What struck me was the thoughts on selfishness and ego. Being a parent does make you selfish in regards to society, but it does lessen your selfishness in that you are forced to put your needs in check, constantly. But it is taken as a badge to be worn on a sleeve by many.
I am a bit of rebel in that I refuse to wholly give myself over to the parent as martyr concept. Top notch schools but no weekend classes they hate. No peewee sports. Only the occasional weekend is dedicated to enrichment activities like museums. I have the occasional horrified reaction from over involved helicopter moms. Kids need to know you've got their back, not that you can cure every instance of boredom. If they want to, let them join sports or learn piano. But give them the space first to discover who they are, so they are playing and learning for themselves and not you the parent.
I am a bit of rebel in that I refuse to wholly give myself over to the parent as martyr concept. Top notch schools but no weekend classes they hate. No peewee sports. Only the occasional weekend is dedicated to enrichment activities like museums. I have the occasional horrified reaction from over involved helicopter moms. Kids need to know you've got their back, not that you can cure every instance of boredom. If they want to, let them join sports or learn piano. But give them the space first to discover who they are, so they are playing and learning for themselves and not you the parent.
20
I think the issue is less the pressure to have kids than the somewhat smug, condescending attitude of many of those who don't. See "The only think I hate more than children . . ." in the article.
15
I made the decision not to have kids as a fairly young woman. Periodically revisited it, but the underlying reason never changed - nothing about it appeals to me. I simply prefer the joys of doing other things to the joys of having children.
It's a very individual choice...and choice is the operative word. The only wrong decision on this topic is the one made mindlessly, without an appreciation for, and commitment to, what it takes to be a parent.
I've always found it amusing that childless people are so often accused of being selfish. As if anyone - other than the religious - decides to have children for unselfish reasons. We need more mutual respect and less name-calling.
It's a very individual choice...and choice is the operative word. The only wrong decision on this topic is the one made mindlessly, without an appreciation for, and commitment to, what it takes to be a parent.
I've always found it amusing that childless people are so often accused of being selfish. As if anyone - other than the religious - decides to have children for unselfish reasons. We need more mutual respect and less name-calling.
28
The key here is respect peoples choices. As a stay at home mum of 4 children I love my choice to dedicate my life to my children. I gave up a career so my husband could focus on his and I spend my days rearing our children. I discovered that for me this was even more rewarding and fulfilling than my previous career but that was just me. I respect the choice of others if they choose otherwise and do not try to enforce my beliefs of procreating or parenting. You never know the circumstances others may be faced with and in turn it would be appreciated if the childless gave me the same level of respect. I am often asked wouldn't I want to be doing something for myself ? I am. I am raising our children. I see that as a very important job. Again it comes back to respect. Not everyone with children wants you to have children too. We can talk about other topics aside from our kids.
12
Being childless of course is a deeply personal decision. Some prefer to not have children out of wedlock while not wanting to marry someone just to have a traditional family. They may also be averse to doing child rearing as a single parent which then would eliminate the chance of adopting while still unmarried. Whether by choice or not, people with children are wrong to judge them for their decision just as it is wrong to criticize those with kids, especially career women.
Here are some observations on a related matter: We hear about career women with children facing unfriendly work place rules and uncooperative colleagues and bosses. However, childless women with careers some times are targeted by some of their own female colleagues who have children. The harassment sometimes is as vicious as what they themselves perhaps experienced even if not from childless coworkers. I have known childless women who understand and accommodate the work place needs of women colleagues with young children. Sometimes, those same mothers fail to understand the needs of their childless, single women colleagues to be with their extended families. In other words, understanding of special needs must be a two way street. I know some mothers ( generally selfless perhaps due to the demands of raising children) with careers behave in the most selfish way towards their childless co-workers. I do not mean to paint with a broad brush, just experience based observations not much written about.
Here are some observations on a related matter: We hear about career women with children facing unfriendly work place rules and uncooperative colleagues and bosses. However, childless women with careers some times are targeted by some of their own female colleagues who have children. The harassment sometimes is as vicious as what they themselves perhaps experienced even if not from childless coworkers. I have known childless women who understand and accommodate the work place needs of women colleagues with young children. Sometimes, those same mothers fail to understand the needs of their childless, single women colleagues to be with their extended families. In other words, understanding of special needs must be a two way street. I know some mothers ( generally selfless perhaps due to the demands of raising children) with careers behave in the most selfish way towards their childless co-workers. I do not mean to paint with a broad brush, just experience based observations not much written about.
11
I am old now, 85, and living with cancer. I find it a comfort to have sons and granchildren. Not many, but two and four respectively.
But I come from a generation where I simply followed the white middle class canon: School, Service. Marriage, Family.
This has worked for me; it has worked for many others of that particular era.
Times change. Dramatically it seems. Each woman must decide what is right for her, irrespective of her marital state, which coincidentally seems not to matter much in these modern times.
Whatever works.
Naf
But I come from a generation where I simply followed the white middle class canon: School, Service. Marriage, Family.
This has worked for me; it has worked for many others of that particular era.
Times change. Dramatically it seems. Each woman must decide what is right for her, irrespective of her marital state, which coincidentally seems not to matter much in these modern times.
Whatever works.
Naf
18
'...it is these parents’ descendants who will be taking care of the childless adults — and keeping society operational — when they are elderly...'
Have children if you want them, but you are not doing society any favors, as the US can simply import as many skilled educated adult workers as it needs, without taking a chance that all the years of educating American children comes to naught.
Have children if you want them, but you are not doing society any favors, as the US can simply import as many skilled educated adult workers as it needs, without taking a chance that all the years of educating American children comes to naught.
8
Everyone is entitled to their own choice, but, I do feel a bit sad for those who decide against having children and then regret it years later. They usually end up getting a dog or a cat as a proxy.
3
Perhaps the regret is due to not getting a pet earlier.
2
No need to feel sad for me, pal. I'd rather have a cat than a brat any day.
2
This is what one might call an "urban legend."
2
Have kids or not, but you don't have to justify the decision by knocking the other side. For my part, being a parent is one of the most fulfilling aspects of my life, and it's mainly because I really like my kids. I like being with them, and I like seeing what they become. Ditto for my friends and siblings. The suggestion that parents are inherently unhappy with their parental state is a lot of nonsense. Sure, it can be hard, and expensive, but it IS a pretty natural thing to do.
And remaining childless is hardly a novel decision either. For centuries many people have chosen to remain single and childless, living in communities of like-minded adults. If that's what you want, go to it, and enjoy!
And remaining childless is hardly a novel decision either. For centuries many people have chosen to remain single and childless, living in communities of like-minded adults. If that's what you want, go to it, and enjoy!
21
'...For centuries many people have chosen to remain single and childless, living in communities of like-minded adults...'
Which used to be NYC.
But alas.
Which used to be NYC.
But alas.
2
The real question is, who cares? If you don't want to have kids that's fine, you shouldn't, only people who want to have kids should, is this worth a book, let alone a discussion? I think not.
13
Social media has created a constant need to justify our lifestyles. Everyone feels they should have access to your life, it is always different than theirs, and we must defend. I am happy when couples who want children have them. I am just as happy when couples choose not to.
As for the comment that the parents are hated more than their children, I would concur. I don't hate the dog who poops in my lawn. I don't hate the stereo that blares all night. Adults are accountable for ge actions of their charges
As for the comment that the parents are hated more than their children, I would concur. I don't hate the dog who poops in my lawn. I don't hate the stereo that blares all night. Adults are accountable for ge actions of their charges
6
The question "why do people choose TO NOT have kids?" is actually less interesting than the question "why do people choose TO have kids?"
13
Many do not choose - it just happens and perhaps it should not have happened. Then the parent becomes either fit or unfit and life goes on from there. We had a child late after fertility issues delayed us. We wanted two, but had to be satisfied with one and are doing our best to help the population excesses by producing only one societal replacement of ourselves! My wife doesn't like kids, and never wanted kids until facing the infertility challenge which after many anxiety producing and expensive procedures she finally triumphed with our healthy daughter. Many of our current friends are childless by choice and now that we are retired and our daughter grown up, we have fun with them. No rush for grandchildren here and no desire to babysit.
Thank you. I would love to know why people choose to have kids. The real reason, not the one they tell everyone.
I really appreciate how this article normalizes and provides some relief for the decision to go childfree. I came from a community where having a child was like a right of passage, and my husband and I get many quizzical, quasi-concerned looks when we say we're not planning to have children. I think they just don't believe us. I'm sure the outright judgement will start in a few years when they realize we're serious.
14
My husband and I have been married 25 years. We married young and you would think that by the time we reached our late 40s, the questions about when we were going to have children would have ended by now, but they haven't. Curiously (or maybe not so curiously) I am on the receiving end of microaggressive comments, primarily from women with children about my state of "childlessness." These comments are usually subtle, but the message is very clear, "You are lacking. You are selfish." We don't have children for a variety of economic, personal, and medical reasons. I don't think I have to explain that to every stranger I meet at a cocktail party. Still, there is an invisible wall that goes up in someone's eyes when I answer the question, "Do you have kids?"
1
I've always thought the act of replicating one's self far more selfish than being childfree...
2
Raising children in today's world is much different than even one generation ago. The financial demands, liberation of women, the extreme consumerist culture, a multitude of other options available to the adult community, societies acceptance of the gay and lesbian lifestyles, far less stigma when not participating in the typical "1950's family", lessening influence of raditional religion within today's society, all point to the acceptance of a wider array of lifestyle choices for the millenial generation. Makes perfect sense and is really OK.
5
What a strange planet New York must be! This article is written for it's occupants, and I find the account strange indeed.
Both my children have grown up to be well educated members of society. Neither of them resent me for buying their strollers and baby clothes second hand.
Both my children have grown up to be well educated members of society. Neither of them resent me for buying their strollers and baby clothes second hand.
24
Society may still have to catch up to the idea that some people choose not to have children. For me, it was a product of circumstance; I never met any men who wanted to get into a marriage or serious, long-term relationship, and I decided that I had neither the finances nor the temperament to have a child on my own. I don't pine away for children, so maybe it was meant to be. I can relate to the man who is appalled by the swarms of ill-behaved children and the parents who ignore their bad behavior. I see them all the time in my upscale Atlanta neighborhood. There is a local restaurant where the young, well-dressed parents drink margarita pitchers and ignore their screaming kids, who are running wild...even in the busy parking lot! My mother made us sit down and eat dinner, and we had to learn table manners and conversation skills.
14
There was that moment in time, from the age of 35-40, that I had a very low-level anxiety questioning whether I should have kids. It passed.
I am not especially wealthy. I am not career driven-- I enjoy my free time much more than my career. Kids just get on my nerves. All that screaming and banging makes me mad. And this was true even when I was a young woman; I was never a baby freak, never begged to hold other people's babies.
My parents raised five daughters in the 60s and 70s- we had so much fun as kids- but of the five only two had kids of their own. Isn't that odd? Perhaps it was my father's zeal for the women's lib movement- he was constantly encouraging us to be independent women- depending on no one but ourselves, and although some of us are married, we are all extremely independent, madly in love with solitude as much as we've ever been with our men.
Whatever the reasons, now in my 50s, I am still glad I didn't have kids, because they still get on my nerves, and I can't stand when I talk to my friends with kids, because they seem to have nothing else to talk about but those annoying, problematic 20-somethings. When I hear them complain of the costs of college - and here is perhaps that selfish part - I add up all the traveling they could have done with that money and breathe a large sigh of relief.
I am not especially wealthy. I am not career driven-- I enjoy my free time much more than my career. Kids just get on my nerves. All that screaming and banging makes me mad. And this was true even when I was a young woman; I was never a baby freak, never begged to hold other people's babies.
My parents raised five daughters in the 60s and 70s- we had so much fun as kids- but of the five only two had kids of their own. Isn't that odd? Perhaps it was my father's zeal for the women's lib movement- he was constantly encouraging us to be independent women- depending on no one but ourselves, and although some of us are married, we are all extremely independent, madly in love with solitude as much as we've ever been with our men.
Whatever the reasons, now in my 50s, I am still glad I didn't have kids, because they still get on my nerves, and I can't stand when I talk to my friends with kids, because they seem to have nothing else to talk about but those annoying, problematic 20-somethings. When I hear them complain of the costs of college - and here is perhaps that selfish part - I add up all the traveling they could have done with that money and breathe a large sigh of relief.
26
I know that some of these concerns about helicopter parenting and kids running the agenda are true, but don't these folks know any "real" people with "real" families? Maybe it's because I don't live in New York, but despite having a fulfilling career and a lovely long term marriage, and other adult relatioships, having and raising kids has been the most fun I could possibly imagine. Different strokes for different folks. Hate all the "stuff"? Don't buy it. Hate all the fuss? don't buy in. Turn off the marketing machine and figure out what makes you happy.
If having kids is not for you, fine, don't have any. But please stop sneering at the rest of us.
If having kids is not for you, fine, don't have any. But please stop sneering at the rest of us.
19
People in NYC are real. Stop sneering at US!
1
I never consciously decided not to have children, I simply had NO desire at all to have them. In fact, I never considered it. I loved my career in science and technology and have many varied interests. I am always amazed when I read that society regards this as selfish. On a planet overburdened with over 7 billion people, who are the selfish ones?
14
You made almost no mention of one of the primary reason many people have decided to stop having children: Overpopulation.
While some have claimed that overpopulation is not a problem, the evidence to the contrary is overwhelming and until our society is a sustainable one, every new person on the planet increases the burden.
I have met many people who cite this as their primary reason for not having children, and I find it very curious that you only mention it once in passing.
While some have claimed that overpopulation is not a problem, the evidence to the contrary is overwhelming and until our society is a sustainable one, every new person on the planet increases the burden.
I have met many people who cite this as their primary reason for not having children, and I find it very curious that you only mention it once in passing.
15
I don't have children because I don't LIKE children. I get castigated a great deal for expressing that, but it's honest and better than saying I'd be overwhelmed with the responsibility. People are always telling me I really would like children if I had one. It's not worth finding out. I shall leave this world as a child-averse curmudgeon, regardless of others' opinions.
49
I can relate to these folks who have chosen a child-free lifestyle. I too had a very fulfilling life with friends, laughter, travel, activities, a great career which of course I did not want interrupted.
But as the years passed, my husband voiced his concern of one day possibly regretting our decision. Now 3 children later, we look back at those years with laughter. Our concerns were so unwarranted. Sure we gave up some things but what we have gotten back far exceeds anything we could have possibly imagined. All the clichés which made me cringe then (i.e "they bring such joy", "best thing I ever did") surprisingly rang true for us. For us having a child was like having our heart cut & a piece given away to them. Their joy, wonderment, happiness and yes, agony and heartbreak are ours too in a very deep & inexplicable way. Even the now boring activities can bring so much fun when our children excitedly do it for the first time. Our house and dinners are now filled with a lot of activity, stories and laughter. And the holidays have been totally reinvented for us, much to our pleasure.
Our lives would have been wonderful without children but now after having them, I know it would have been wonderful in part out of ignorance. We could never go back & be completely happy knowing now how much our children has changed our lives for the better.
But as the years passed, my husband voiced his concern of one day possibly regretting our decision. Now 3 children later, we look back at those years with laughter. Our concerns were so unwarranted. Sure we gave up some things but what we have gotten back far exceeds anything we could have possibly imagined. All the clichés which made me cringe then (i.e "they bring such joy", "best thing I ever did") surprisingly rang true for us. For us having a child was like having our heart cut & a piece given away to them. Their joy, wonderment, happiness and yes, agony and heartbreak are ours too in a very deep & inexplicable way. Even the now boring activities can bring so much fun when our children excitedly do it for the first time. Our house and dinners are now filled with a lot of activity, stories and laughter. And the holidays have been totally reinvented for us, much to our pleasure.
Our lives would have been wonderful without children but now after having them, I know it would have been wonderful in part out of ignorance. We could never go back & be completely happy knowing now how much our children has changed our lives for the better.
22
You have perfectly stated what we feel also!
1
Good thing they don't want children since she is 40 and he is 56 the odds are against that happening anyway.
5
Interesting spin. A lot of confused feelings about whether or not it is selfish to have or not to have children. A lot of angst over the costs to career and leisure time vs. the bloodsport of mommy fast tracking. Sadly, very little mention about the environmental impact of starting a family, which should be the main consideration for anyone of childbearing age. The world has got too many people. Zero Population Growth used to be something that many of childbearing age in the 1970s took to heart. Having more than 2 children is not sustainable. If people don't want to procreate, they should pay less taxes and get to the front of any line that society forms. They are acting in the interests of us all, and of the planet, and its none of my business why they decide not to be breeders.
10
First off, the term 'breeders' is offensive. Second, the old get the lion's share of the budget as it is, and where does the money come from? That's right, future citizens. As for over population, most industrialized countries are not having enough babies now, it's not us that's doing it.
2
I read this right after reading Gail Collin's excellent column on how US corporations refuse to stand idly by while anti-LGBT legislation rears its ugly head, but are perfectly content to stand back when anti-choice, anti-women's health legislation sprouts like mushrooms after a rain all around the country. The easy blinkered assumption by everyone quoted in this article that everyone has a choice on whether to parent or not sets my teeth on edge. Get real! Maybe childless adults could usefully spend some time lobbying for respect for women's lives and bodies...how about contributing to the defense fund for the woman just sentenced to 20 years for feticide after (allegedly) self-inducing an abortion?
15
I'd like to comment, but have to go tiger-dad the kid.
6
Our helicopter generation has made a mess of parenting, tuning it into a soul-crushing, all-consuming proposition. No wonder young people are opting out as they the observe the suffocating affair it has come to be. Ironically, our 50's parents had it right with benign neglect; they kept their intellectual, social, and professional lives intact as they set up orderly households with routines, expectations, and love—with their own friends, interests and marriages a high priority— then gently pushed us all out of the nest at age 18. I hope this generation learns from our mistakes and returns to a parenting approach of more relaxed oversight and enjoyment of their kids as autonomous human beings.
20
Generally, I understand that there are so few selective pressures in modern society that we don't expect to see much evolution of the gene pool. Low drive to procreate might be an exception. I wonder if folks like this will be the exception, and will 'self-select' this trait out of the human gene pool.
1
The societal pressure to have children is overwhelming. This is evidenced by the fact that the article never asks ask the obvious question. Why have children? To improve a relationship? To share your love with someone? To fit into your social group? Boredom?
When you look at the issue through the question, I'm amazed anyone has children.
When you look at the issue through the question, I'm amazed anyone has children.
10
1. Unfortunately, many selfish people either accidentally or misguidedly have children and then do not properly educate (train, discipline, care for, etc.) them. Result: lots of little monsters who grow up to be ... big monsters.
2. There is no moral or ethical reason for people who do not love and want children to have any; in fact there are many moral and ethical reasons for them to NOT do s, if only because, there are probably too many humans already. So good for you, not-parents!
3. It is none of my business what folks choose; it is their business - except in case 1. Then I would dearly love to kick them in the britches.
Oh, yes, I wanted to have maybe five kids, but was able to have only the one, and just because some of us would love more kids does not mean that everyone should have any at all.
2. There is no moral or ethical reason for people who do not love and want children to have any; in fact there are many moral and ethical reasons for them to NOT do s, if only because, there are probably too many humans already. So good for you, not-parents!
3. It is none of my business what folks choose; it is their business - except in case 1. Then I would dearly love to kick them in the britches.
Oh, yes, I wanted to have maybe five kids, but was able to have only the one, and just because some of us would love more kids does not mean that everyone should have any at all.
14
Just as well, they are too old at this point, anyway, unless you want to be the 80 year old at the college graduation that everybody thinks is the grandfather. My own opinion, as an at-the-time reluctant dad, is that they are missing out on the most rewarding experience in life. But they seem pretty happy, so good for them.
1
Maybe I should write a book titled "To Have or Have Not." I'm surprised no one has tried to piggyback off of Hemingway with a cheap shot like that. Surely a few sales would go to people buying in haste and thinking they'll read an old classic for the second time.
Married twice, I have, in a sense, done both: two sons by my first wife, zero of either sex with my second. My second (and still) spouse and I discussed having children. She was 30 and I was 44. We decided against, and for insurance I had a vasectomy. Then a medically necessary hysterectomy made biological offspring a moot issue. Adoption was feasibly still on the table, but as the years slipped by, that, too, became a non-starter.
Environmentally and politically, the world is going to hell in the proverbial handbasket, with near-zero chance of positive outcomes for either complication. Not much of a legacy to leave our offspring. Along with what little I can leave my sons financially (they won't be tooling around in new Beemers or Mercedes), I think I should leave them a written apology.
The degradation of this planet didn't start with my or even our parents' generation. But they and we have done nothing to stop it. We just laid a concrete block on the gas pedal so our right foot wouldn't get tired while we have closed our eyes and swung the steering wheel left and right, while looking back over our shoulders, oblivious to where we are headed.
I'm afraid, be it bang or whimper, the end is coming.
Married twice, I have, in a sense, done both: two sons by my first wife, zero of either sex with my second. My second (and still) spouse and I discussed having children. She was 30 and I was 44. We decided against, and for insurance I had a vasectomy. Then a medically necessary hysterectomy made biological offspring a moot issue. Adoption was feasibly still on the table, but as the years slipped by, that, too, became a non-starter.
Environmentally and politically, the world is going to hell in the proverbial handbasket, with near-zero chance of positive outcomes for either complication. Not much of a legacy to leave our offspring. Along with what little I can leave my sons financially (they won't be tooling around in new Beemers or Mercedes), I think I should leave them a written apology.
The degradation of this planet didn't start with my or even our parents' generation. But they and we have done nothing to stop it. We just laid a concrete block on the gas pedal so our right foot wouldn't get tired while we have closed our eyes and swung the steering wheel left and right, while looking back over our shoulders, oblivious to where we are headed.
I'm afraid, be it bang or whimper, the end is coming.
16
And unfortunately not just for humans but for elephants, dolphins and many other more-worthy species. Thanks to our unfettered breeding.
1
Parenting is a job with a very specific set of skills needed to do it well. Not everyone has those skills. As a former public-school teacher, I can tell you that, from the outside, it looked as if many didn't have the skills and did it anyway, leaving others to clean up their mess. I chose not to have children because, having observed friends with superb parenting skills, I knew I didn't have it in me. I also object to people who say one doesn't have a family until you have children. My husband and I are a family of two, which is expanded with friends with whom we have a closer bond than many blood relations.
22
The doubling of childless women from 1976 to 2006 also reflects the rising availability of birth control, both to married and to unmarried women. It's something to consider that once women, particularly married women, had the choice to bear or not to bear children, a significant number of them chose not to.
31
Some people have kids. Some don't.
3
Not too long from now, our planet will become uninhabitable, ironically because of people having children. I'm surprised so many educated people want to bring children into this ecological disaster, and even more-so that some couples choose to have large families in these fragile ecological times--more than just the two required to replace themselves.
22
People who choose not to have children are doing a good thing. They are not contributing to overpopulation. They are not going to abuse or neglect their children. They are not going to bore people to death bragging about their children. What could be better?
35
First - it's not too obvious but the fact is that the child chooses you and not the other way around.
Two - resistance to children is resistance to life. Big egos are everywhere.
Three - people who say such things as not wanting children have no idea what blessings they will be missing
Let it be! Don't resist.
Two - resistance to children is resistance to life. Big egos are everywhere.
Three - people who say such things as not wanting children have no idea what blessings they will be missing
Let it be! Don't resist.
3
To each their own. Each probably has its own joys and challenges at different times in each person's life.
3
I am a 38 year old woman who has never wanted children. I feel neither guilty nor defensive about this. I feel that bringing a child into this world requires a starry-eyed optimism that I lack.
24
I am an aging baby-boomer, to locate my generation, and I never had or wanted to have children. It was just biological I guess, because I made my decision while I was in college, and dirt poor. It had nothing to do with economic status, but was simply a "life choice" I guess they would call it now. I knew it wasn't for me, and luckily did something about it, so as not to have any mistakes appear. I had to fight against a doctor's refusal to perform surgery two years in a row but prevailed by the time I was 24 years old. No I never regretted my decision, and seldom faced pressure to answer for my choice, thank goodness. I don't believe it was selfish, but liberating, and affirming, and spared some children whom we don't need. Now, the only downside is that I have no grandkids to talk about with my friends, or to move in with when I get senile. Such a choice is mostly about how you view your role as a potential parent, I hope; don't fault those people for their clear thinking.
4
"You can have it all" was the biggest bill of goods ever sold to anyone. NO ONE can "have it all"--what an idiotic notion. Women bought that at the dawn of modern-day so-called women's "liberation", worked full-time, had babies, did the housework, became exhausted, resentful, and completely overburdened; in many cases with precious little support from the male-dominated nuclear head of the household and the male-dominated governmental and corporate institutions that run this country. It's different in more enlightened societies overseas but not here.
3
Exactly who told women they could "have it all"? This is one of those nasty mythis. It was rather that society expected them to continue to do all the traditional womanly things if they wanted to also participate in traditionally male realms.
2
Yes, saw the results all around me in the workplace.
Katherine Hepburn commented long ago that women needed to make a choice between children and career. Wise words.
Katherine Hepburn commented long ago that women needed to make a choice between children and career. Wise words.
No kids here, it just never happened. Six billion on the planet now, maybe that's enough. I just had one or two less than most parents. Remember that in a "natural" setting, families would have 8 or 10 kids. So we are all reducing the numbers. I just reduced it a little further! Not to sound curmudgeonly, but modern child rearing looks exhausting and so many of the little darlings are ill behaved monsters of ego. Not their fault, when the folks let them get away with murder. Also a peeve: martyr parents who natter on about the misery and sacrifice of having and raising kids; enough already.
13
In a "natural setting", say in Bangladesh, where women have an average of six children, poverty and a lack of educational opportunity and accessible birth control basically guarantees that said woman will remain impoverished and uneducated. Its hard to imagine what a woman in such a society would make of this article on self absorption. In in this very same "natural setting", climate change, as a direct result of unchecked population growth, is going to raise water levels in such a way that Bangladesh will almost wholly disappear. Don't underestimate the value you lent to society by not procreating.
4
The existence of a lot of bad parents in Park Slope and elsewhere doesn't seem like a very compelling reason not to be a parent.
There are lots of awful writers and comedians but that doesn't stop people from writing and trying to be funny.
So you could decide to have children and make an effort not to be horrible about it. That is, raise the children to be modest, curious, and well-mannered, and not be brow-beaten by a lot of other parents with insane expectations.
There are a lot of children and parents in the world who aren't horrible. You just notice the horrible ones more.
There are lots of awful writers and comedians but that doesn't stop people from writing and trying to be funny.
So you could decide to have children and make an effort not to be horrible about it. That is, raise the children to be modest, curious, and well-mannered, and not be brow-beaten by a lot of other parents with insane expectations.
There are a lot of children and parents in the world who aren't horrible. You just notice the horrible ones more.
9
We made our choice before we were married in our early twenties almost fifty years ago. We don't judge others and others shouldn't judge us. We will say, however, that it's been a great fifty years for us and we have never regretted the choice we made.
4
And what was that choice, exactly?
yeh ... I realized that I was not clear just after posting.
We made the childless choice.
We made the childless choice.
Here's the thing: if you believe that you go around only once, have kids. Without that experience you can only know very little about your own humanity. You can't know, however, what you don't know. Hence this point is lost on those who choose not to have kids. I'll leave you with this: you can only know selflesness when you've wiped away another person's feces for three years and have never once been too grossed out to do it.
5
Re: "you can only know selflessness when you've wiped away another person's feces for three years and have never once been too grossed out to do it."
I think caregivers of an aging parent or a beloved spouse can know selflessness too.
I think caregivers of an aging parent or a beloved spouse can know selflessness too.
3
I guess if you have to tell yourself that.... whatever works to get you through the day, eh?
4
Not true. Have wiped many a feces from my cats, dog, a few kids on my school bus, and as an elder human caregiver.
Selflessness is NOT over-breeding when there is an easy means to prevent it.
Selflessness is NOT over-breeding when there is an easy means to prevent it.
4
I have 2 kids and I will say this- people without kids seem developmentally different. Having kids changes your perspective in a way that I couldn't predict before it happened.
14
I find it interesting that majority of posters with similar sentiments have male screen names. Yep, that's the word: interesting.
3
Meanwhile in Japan, the lack of children is creating a demographic crisis. With a low birthrate that has continued for decades (and strict immigration laws), 26% of the population is currently aged 65 or older. This number is estimated to rise to nearly 40% in the next thirty years and will seriously undermine its social security and healthcare systems. Children cost a lot. But so does taking care of the elderly.
5
Japan's lack of population growth is exacerbated by its unwillingness to allow substantial immigration and by its creation of a workplace and culture that is, if imaginable, perhaps even more hostile to working women that that of the United States.
1
For heaven's sake, don't have children if you don't want them. it is a tremendous responsibility, and children deserve love, not resentment. Live and let live.
55
If children "deserve love and not resentment," I'd estimate that at least half of the people who have children should not have had them.
We are reaping the seeds of the psychiatrists and psychologists who told us (and we listened in droves) that we should always tell our kids that they are the most important, most perfect people in the world. That's what we get for lying.
6
This is a strangely static view on parenthood, as if one's offspring remains between birth and the age of eight in perpetuity. Aside from a throwaway gibe about college tuition costs, there is no mention of how having older or grown children changes ones life. Selfishly I delight in my childless friends who have been wonderful aunt and uncle-ish mentors for my two boys and who's bond with them becomes more meaningful with their maturation.
8
I have two kids and the first say, 6 or so years were misery. Now I feel like I can breathe. I am a mom that works full time and I despise the culture of child-rearing today. It's actually beyond the canary in the coal mine for disappearing resources globally.
The world is overpopulated. I actually celebrate the choices of those not having children. Thank you! I would have been happy without kids too. My husband really wanted them. I love my two so much - but I can see that i would have been happy without them too. Truly, I don't understand those who call the childless "selfish". Clearly, clearly, it is those who have children, who perpetuate overpopulation and require more resource use.
The world is overpopulated. I actually celebrate the choices of those not having children. Thank you! I would have been happy without kids too. My husband really wanted them. I love my two so much - but I can see that i would have been happy without them too. Truly, I don't understand those who call the childless "selfish". Clearly, clearly, it is those who have children, who perpetuate overpopulation and require more resource use.
48
When we had our first child I felt as though I had fulfilled my inherent responsibility as a human being; its instinctual to reproduce and survive. To assist in your own eventual extinction is unnatural; most people recognize that.
Go ahead and have kids, they're a major pain for a while but it will eventually bring more happiness and satisfaction. Plus you can say you did it and people will get off your backs. Positive peer pressure :)
Go ahead and have kids, they're a major pain for a while but it will eventually bring more happiness and satisfaction. Plus you can say you did it and people will get off your backs. Positive peer pressure :)
3
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. That's fine.
I just hope that the childless by choice crowd remembers that those of us bringing up children are raising the people who will run our world one day. And that they will accordingly stop griping about tax breaks for parents , and for having to pay their share of funding high quality schools. They may not benefit from these things in the short term, but in the long term the childless will depend on these children too!
I just hope that the childless by choice crowd remembers that those of us bringing up children are raising the people who will run our world one day. And that they will accordingly stop griping about tax breaks for parents , and for having to pay their share of funding high quality schools. They may not benefit from these things in the short term, but in the long term the childless will depend on these children too!
7
Sure, if they don't sap the system with special needs and grow up to be low-intelligence, unemployable, profoundly disabled, criminal/incarcerated, non-working by choice or otherwise a non-productive drain on the system. Any given child has about a 50-50 chance of being a net contributor. You are gambling that your progeny will be beneficial economically while for not acknowledging that there is a 100 percent certainty they will be a drain on society for at least 18 years and on the environment forever. Hard to find a nugget of benefit amid all that.
I know with 100 percent certainty that I am not producing resource-sappers who will contribute to the degradation of the planet and other species, nor be a liability for WIC, SNAP, TANF, Medicaid, EITC, SSI and all of the myriad other programs created to pick up the slack for people who made bad, selfish choices about childbearing.
I know with 100 percent certainty that I am not producing resource-sappers who will contribute to the degradation of the planet and other species, nor be a liability for WIC, SNAP, TANF, Medicaid, EITC, SSI and all of the myriad other programs created to pick up the slack for people who made bad, selfish choices about childbearing.
I have three grown children, so I cannot say I don't want to have children. But my children don't seem to want them, so I am happy with that. My case is people are always asking me when I am going to become a grandma. I cannot become a grandma on my own, I need my children to have children for that to happen, and they don't want to. So it is not my decision, and I am happy with how things are. But when I answer that I don't really want to become a grandma people look at me as if were a strange creature. It is supposed that at my age all I want is to become a grandmother, and I do not conform to that cliche. I am very happy with my life as it is, and I don't need to be worrying about babies. My children are happy as they are and it is all that counts. I have taken care of many children during my life, not only mine, so I know very well what having children is, and I don't want to force that on my own children. Not everyone wants to have grandchildren and that does not mean that they don't like children. So, to the people considered selfish because they don't want to have children, add the people considered selfish because they support their children in their decision of not having them.
18
From the perspective of grandparenthood, I don't think that I would choose to have children if I had the opportunity to do it again. The thought of bringing a child into a world where his or her every movement would be tracked through multiple surveillance modalities is totally repugnant to me. I realize that younger people realize this is the norm, which I find very sad.
11
Thank you for the very interesting article. It is refreshing to say the least to read about adults making their own decisions about their own lives. It's a very grown up piece.
6
Generally in our younger years we know what it's like to be without children, and then we do what we need to do and have them. Rarely is it the opposite, in which we know (actually know, not assume based on the inability to play a comfortable game of table tennis) what it's like to have children and then decide not to have them.
1
When I've made important life decisions and am subsequently asked about them, I frequently refer back to television shows that have aired over the last few decades to explain me reasoning.
I'd say the folks referenced in this article have made pretty sound decisions.
I'd say the folks referenced in this article have made pretty sound decisions.
1
Personally, I base my life philosophy on comic books and fortune cookies but that's just me.
1
Either way it is a personal choice. Just out of college, our daughter does not want to have kids but may consider adopting down the road. I respect and understand. I wished for more children (love them) but financially did not. There are plenty of kids to adopt and if she remains child free, that is her choice also...
5
I appreciate that I'm part of a trend, but for me, while I like children and adore my nieces, it comes down to the fact that I never once really wanted to have children of my own -- when I was young, when I was married, or now. I think the point really should be that we are freer to do what we want with our lives, whether that means having children or not. This doesn't need to be a competition about who is more selfish.
9
Geoff Dyer hit the nail on the head, " the only thing I hate more than kids are their parents" , kids by virtue of their age don't know better, it's their job to be miserably selfish misanthropes. The self satisfied narcissistic people who foisted these cretins on society refuse to bear the burden of raising their brats in a responsible manner.
I don't want to hear that my school taxes that educate today's kids will be balanced out when today's kids will be paying Social Security taxes that I will receive in retirement. First, my SS deductions don't come close to matching my property taxes where the overwhelming amount go to the schools, a significant portion of my state and federal taxes also support all manner of education in this country.
Without equivocation I can state that NO PARENT bears the full cost of having children, not even Bill Gates or Warren Buffett who get preferential treatment, yet all we hear is how couples with kids need help. It's long past time to end the subsidies to families who choose to procreate if for no other reason that civilization has to start coming to grips with the endless increase in population
I don't want to hear that my school taxes that educate today's kids will be balanced out when today's kids will be paying Social Security taxes that I will receive in retirement. First, my SS deductions don't come close to matching my property taxes where the overwhelming amount go to the schools, a significant portion of my state and federal taxes also support all manner of education in this country.
Without equivocation I can state that NO PARENT bears the full cost of having children, not even Bill Gates or Warren Buffett who get preferential treatment, yet all we hear is how couples with kids need help. It's long past time to end the subsidies to families who choose to procreate if for no other reason that civilization has to start coming to grips with the endless increase in population
13
At least where I live, school taxes have gone nuts, in part because costs that were once the responsibility of the family to pay for have been foisted on the taxpayer.
A simple example. My sister is handicapped. Her timing was awful - it's almost as if they waited for her to age out of each benefit programme before inventing it. The amount of money our family paid out for therapy, educational programmes, transportation to same, etc. was stupendous. Now, of course, districts have to pony up in the high five figures a year - it's the law.
Am I saying we should go back to the bad old days? Emphatically not. Though it does cheese me a little that the people who wouldn't lift a finger or kick in a penny to help US back in the day now expect us to go broke paying for THEIR grandchildren getting all the help they begrudged us. Our family got shellacked coming and going.
But special ed is not the only issue. A few years back our district tried (unsuccessfully - one of the few times anyone's said 'no'!) to pass a referendum to build a swimming pool for the swim team. This, in a town that has not only a municipal pool, and is surrounded by towns with municipal pools, but a lavish Y with not one but two huge pools. Don't get me started on artificial turf for the multiple playing fields, the cost of maintenance and replacing it after flood damage ... and on and on.
A simple example. My sister is handicapped. Her timing was awful - it's almost as if they waited for her to age out of each benefit programme before inventing it. The amount of money our family paid out for therapy, educational programmes, transportation to same, etc. was stupendous. Now, of course, districts have to pony up in the high five figures a year - it's the law.
Am I saying we should go back to the bad old days? Emphatically not. Though it does cheese me a little that the people who wouldn't lift a finger or kick in a penny to help US back in the day now expect us to go broke paying for THEIR grandchildren getting all the help they begrudged us. Our family got shellacked coming and going.
But special ed is not the only issue. A few years back our district tried (unsuccessfully - one of the few times anyone's said 'no'!) to pass a referendum to build a swimming pool for the swim team. This, in a town that has not only a municipal pool, and is surrounded by towns with municipal pools, but a lavish Y with not one but two huge pools. Don't get me started on artificial turf for the multiple playing fields, the cost of maintenance and replacing it after flood damage ... and on and on.
This is absurd. The only reason to have kids is that you like them and think it would be thrilling to raise them. No one who doesn't really want them should be forced or pressured to have them. There are few things as damaging as being a child of a mother who gave birth out of a sense of duty or pressure from someone else, and who has no real interest in children and what goes into raising them (I speak from experience). In this world, where women have expanded opportunities for fulfilling work outside of home and family, no one should have to march to the beat of someone else's drum.
37
Childless people will be supported throughout their golden years by younger people working (through Social Security). Yet they did nothing--invested nothing--to give rise to that succeeding generation. Sure, they paid school taxes but--so what? Everybody pays them. They haven't done the hard work, both emotionally and financially, to raise the next generation.
8
I am childfree, and I work really hard to support children. I volunteer to tutor kids in the inner city. I mentor young people. And I am a great support to my friends who have kids on a weekly basis. I help raise other people's kids. Your comment is very small minded. There are many different ways to contribute to society, and raise our children. Often parents are too busy to contribute outside their own families, which I routinely do. What about that?
1
So the 50 years worth of SS and Medicare contributions I'll have made is for naught, as well as 50 years of paying discriminatory levels of federal taxes that support myriad programs ONLY available to kids and the childed, from the child tax credit and EITC to WIC, SNAP, TANF, housing assistance, Medicaid, early-childhood education programs, USDA school nutrition programs, Social Security survivors benefits and disability benefits for minors, and on and on. All of the above and more without creating a single liability for any of those programs. Can you say the same?
Nah, no contributions at all from the childfree, selfish lot that we are.
Nah, no contributions at all from the childfree, selfish lot that we are.
2
I've always assumed that the great Ponzi scheme that is the American Social Security system would run out of money before I could collect anything from it. Or at least be forced to implement means testing. So I figured I was better off not having kids and saving money to fund my own retirement, rather than having children and not being able to save. I won't be a burden on your kids Al, trust me. The retirement of the Baby Boomers will "take care" of what's left of Social Security for all succeeding generations.
2
That's fine, but everyone needs to understand that they will get old, senile, and physically unable to care for themselves at some point. who will come to visit them when they are old? who will look after their finances and make sure that they are ok? you reap what you sow in life. I hope that an advanced degree or a career will satisfy them that they have not lived in vain, but I doubt it. Parenting may be exhausting and financially challenging, but it gives your life a profound sense of meaning and value that no career or bank balance can match.
4
'they will get old, senile, and physically unable to care for themselves at some point. who will come to visit them when they are old? who will look after their finances and make sure that they are ok?'
What an incredibly selfish reason to have kids - on the assumption that they will take care of you! An assumption that a great many older people have found, to their dismay, does not necessarily work out as planned. Many a nursing home is filled with old people staring at the wall, wondering where their kids are. My mother spent the last week or so of her life in such a home (until then, she lived in the family home, with me), and the staff there was astonished that I came every day after work to watch TV with her. One of them told me she wished there were more like me - most of the residents were pretty lonely (yes, I stopped to talk to them too). I'm not sure I could have kept up the visits, though, day after day, month in and month out, if my mother had lived on.
What an incredibly selfish reason to have kids - on the assumption that they will take care of you! An assumption that a great many older people have found, to their dismay, does not necessarily work out as planned. Many a nursing home is filled with old people staring at the wall, wondering where their kids are. My mother spent the last week or so of her life in such a home (until then, she lived in the family home, with me), and the staff there was astonished that I came every day after work to watch TV with her. One of them told me she wished there were more like me - most of the residents were pretty lonely (yes, I stopped to talk to them too). I'm not sure I could have kept up the visits, though, day after day, month in and month out, if my mother had lived on.
1
Why is this anyone's business. Couples having children they can not afford to put clothes on, feed and educate is a bigger problem.
18
Early in my first marriage it was not wanting to have to compete with a child for my wife's love, a competition I knew I would lose. Now, many years later, it would be not wanting the loss of sleep, the noise, the chaotic mess, the loss of privacy, the monetary costs keeping me from a beautiful house, travel, and hobby toys, the becoming a hostage to fortune with all the bad things that could happen from disease to criminality to accidental death, and, finally, inability to tolerate seeing my daughter (if that's what I had) leave the house dressed like a prostitute (current fashion) instead of a young girl.
1
As the ecosystem hurtles toward ecologic quagmire, it is surprising that resisting the biological urge to procreate still bears a stigma of selfishness. Who is the victim here? Military might is no longer dependent on having more soon-to-be carcasses to throw in front of the enemy. Factories and farms no longer run on sheer man-power. There is NO problem that will be solved by having more people. In the words of the great sociologic philosopher William Burr,"that's not a family photo, that's an environmental disaster...and you framed it".
8
I have second thoughts about having the kids I do have. It's tough but on the other you couldn't have convinced me not to have kids before I had them. Many of the problems cited by the article-consumerism, private schools, constant activities for the kids and helicopter parenting are personal choices the parents made. Living far away from NYC I don't feel these pressures as much as I think New Yorkers do.
3
Having made the choice not to have children, and yet having many children in our lives - including paying for some of their schooling - I think it is important that not having children can be seen as a choice beyond judging. I am also mindful of the pain of friends who were unable to have children who are then subject to judging by parents. It would be good to have a few less sacred cows in this pasture.
11
What is interesting is that the people who could most afford children are not having them. And at a far lower rate when they do. They end up subsidizing their neighbors. I know this is unpopular but I think people who have children should be taxed more. They are negatively impacting the environment as well as burdening society.
11
Um, the children will grow up to be the tax base when you are on Medicare and social security.
2
Actually, I think that's the other way round. The children will grow up to be subsidizing the neighbors that never had kids. The old in this country get far more money than the young. We'd have to change the IRS code to get away from that. As for negatively impacting the environment, please, give it a rest, it's the silliest reason yet.
1
Not really! There are multiple ways to finance your retirement; the pyramid type of funding that exists currently is not sustainable. Granted, in this country, older people get many benefits and children especially since the 1980 have seen their general welfare decline for several reasons (e.g. dysfunctional family, underfunded schools, as well as the older age people pursuing their interests aggressively in the ballot box).
Under the current system that you are advocating, we need to keep multiplying MORE and MORE in each generation to support the one above it. This does not seem like a good plan. It is unfair to make the unborn and young to support the old generation, everyone should finance himself or herself.
If we need people to pay into the system there are other ways to do so. For instance, we have immigrants coming in after having lived the net consumption years of their childhood in their country of origin and living their productive years in here. This is a good gain to the tax base and pension funds plus more of a win-win situation. And investment mechanism could also be devised to make productive use of payments into the pension system.
So, my point being that there are multiple ways to achieve wealth and social welfare without hatching children.
Under the current system that you are advocating, we need to keep multiplying MORE and MORE in each generation to support the one above it. This does not seem like a good plan. It is unfair to make the unborn and young to support the old generation, everyone should finance himself or herself.
If we need people to pay into the system there are other ways to do so. For instance, we have immigrants coming in after having lived the net consumption years of their childhood in their country of origin and living their productive years in here. This is a good gain to the tax base and pension funds plus more of a win-win situation. And investment mechanism could also be devised to make productive use of payments into the pension system.
So, my point being that there are multiple ways to achieve wealth and social welfare without hatching children.
Sadly, educated, financially stable couples are disproportionately the folks who aren't having kids. Instead, a larger share of births are occurring to undereducated, impoverished (often single) mothers. This is not only a demographic quandry, it is also a social and economic one. Once Generation X heads into retirement, it will be up to the children of the poor to produceand provide for all -- how well will that work?
13
Good point. And another good reason that gross inequality is a serious problem, not to be written off as the moral failing of the poor. We need to prepare everyone for the future that all of us look to, and that must include looking at poverty as an at least partially solvable problem.
2
This is exactly why we need a social system that ensures equal access to education and opportunity for everyone. There is no objective justification for the kids of educated and wealthy parents to have a higher-quality education and better job opportunities than the kids of impoverished single mothers. Only in this country would people argue that income inequality is a reason for wealthier people to have more kids and for poorer people to have fewer kids. What next? Forced sterilization for the poor?
1
Can't argue with this - not everyone wants to be a parent; not everyone should be a parent. And go to any public place and you will see quite a few people who choose to have children and decidedly made the wrong decision.
65
It's funny how many times the article references that someone doesn't want a child because of how other peoples' kids act. What does that have to do with your kid? I swore that when I had kids, they would never act like that in public (at home they definitely drove me a little crazier) especially in restaurants. You think not having children is selfish? Wrong! Allowing your children to run around in a restaurant because you want to eat in peace and expect the patrons around you to quasi babysit is selfish! That whole 30 kids at a birthday party, another selfish act. It's not about the kid, it's just parents just trying to outdo each other. I guess the more kids you have at a party the more you love your kid. If that's the case, then I can't stand my kids. When their birthdays came around they tried the big party gig. Nope! When I was told, everyone else does it, guess what, I don't. Too fake for me. Fortunately, my boys are not followers. I'm not saying they're leaders, they just do their own thing too. The kicker here, I have three sons in their mid twenties, they're not sure if they want kids. And around we go...
11
Living in Manhattan, I see the assumed privilege of modern moms pushing their baby carriages like chariots down the streets, oblivious to pedestrians. We must all make a yellow brick road for you and your baby, whether on the street or in a restaurant where baby shrieks at unmeasured decibels while mom or dad make little effort to quiet and soothe their charge or remove him from the premises so the childless can eat in peace.
I often wonder how these coddled children will fare in the world after being told
they can do no wrong by their parents. In the 60's and 70's kids didn't wear bike helmets or knee pads. We came home scraped and bruised but joyous for the experience. We got ourselves into trouble and somehow out of it, without our parents assistance. We negotiated our way thru the world, for better or worse.
I'm talking about a certain type of upper children whose kids must have the best of everything and be protected from everything. I feel sorry for those children, as their life is overly insulated from the actual joys of childhood.
Having said that I honor the brave women who decide to forego societal pressures to give birth and not forge their identity to motherhood. It's a choice not an obligation.
I often wonder how these coddled children will fare in the world after being told
they can do no wrong by their parents. In the 60's and 70's kids didn't wear bike helmets or knee pads. We came home scraped and bruised but joyous for the experience. We got ourselves into trouble and somehow out of it, without our parents assistance. We negotiated our way thru the world, for better or worse.
I'm talking about a certain type of upper children whose kids must have the best of everything and be protected from everything. I feel sorry for those children, as their life is overly insulated from the actual joys of childhood.
Having said that I honor the brave women who decide to forego societal pressures to give birth and not forge their identity to motherhood. It's a choice not an obligation.
24
In 50 years, my grandchildren will be seeing the results of this. The intelligent, well educated people at the top end of the Bell Curve having zero - 2 children, and the people at the other end with IQ's in the 80's and below are having 3 - 5 or more. I believe it is an unsustainable situation. We no longer need a vast population of the unskilled who in the past were encouraged to have as many children as possible to feed the market with unlimited, cheap, expendable labor. There will be no place for them, we're reaching that point even now.
9
Read up on the Flynn effect -- it's not as bad as you think.
I don't understand all the navel-gazing about not having children and the need to constantly explain one's decision. When my husband and I married over 35 years ago, we knew we didn't want children. We discussed it before we said, "I do". Neither of us particularly likes children. Neither of us feels the need to pass on our genes. So we just never had children. Over time, it became apparent to our families that we weren't going to have kids. We never felt the need to discuss or explain or rationalize and certainly not apologize for our decision. It was the right decision for us. If someone else's right decision was to have kids, then good for them. Meanwhile, we have been paying school taxes for over 30 years and not sending any children to school. Maybe parents should be grateful for those of us who help foot the societal school bill.
78
Those children will be paying your medicare bills and any attendant nursing home obligations when the time comes too. It's a quid pro quo, don't you think?
1
Or, as the article points out, the kids who will be helping to pay your Social Security benefits--because it is a pay as you go system. But, then again, if we pay taxes we pay for services we might or might not use:ambulances, buses, playgrounds, senior centers. That is the shape collective life takes.
I absolutely agree with you--to each his own. But, just remember we are all in this together.
I absolutely agree with you--to each his own. But, just remember we are all in this together.
3
I haven't had the need for a fireman or a policeman but I still pay taxes for them. We need to do SOME things as a society for the collective good. BTW, I send my kids to a private school but I am happy to support public schools as well.
2
Its not easy. What is easy is to realize how tough it is and be selfish and critical of parents. Sill I suspect most will someday regret this decision. Funny thing is they will regret it for selfish reasons I bet. They will never understand the real joy because they never really know what us parents know. Its hard for me to imagine that these loners really know how to love. The one thing I note from this story and what I have taken note of around me is that it is the progressive politically left leaning men and women who feel this way. I like that - the fewer the better.
3
@miken: Smug, sanctimonious, nasty and delusional. My mother, who was a self-righteous child abuser, had the same attitudes. I pity your kids.
3
Over the years, I've noticed that those parents who have called me "selfish" for not having children have tended to be unhappy in their own lives. Their envy was obvious. Misery loves company, I guess. People who are content with the choices they have made don't feel a need to police and judge the lives of others.
51
I have three children and I completely agree with you. I have childless friends who are phenomenal people making positive contributions to the world who know themselves. Children are not pets or hobbies and do not need to be born to women and men who don't want them. Same goes for family size, these decisions are private ones.
2
Yes, I think that's true, and not just for having children. I've never understood the idea that it's selfish not to have kids. It's our luck in this time to have a choice that in the past no one had. Whether or not you and your partner wanted to have children it was nature that decided. Thanks to medical science we can make that decision ourselves. So much the better, don't you think? However, miserable people will just find some other thing to berate you with!
3
So, in other words, no stories from ordinary people who made ordinary decisions to not have kids of their own because it's really no big deal one way or the other.
13
Perhaps those who think they would not make good parents and thus prefer to remain childless are doing both themselves and any possible progeny a favor, since "know thyself" seems to be a reasonable way to look at the issue.
Having or not having children is a very personal thing, and if one chooses to have a child or a large family it isn't anyone else's right or business to question their choice. Same goes for those with kids who wonder (not often nicely) about those they know who chose not to repopulate the earth.
In today's world, if I were starting over, I know that I would not have the family I did have, although now that I have them and their progeny, I cannot say I wish I did not have them, as they have been the joys of my life.
Some people aren't meant for parenthood but have children anyway, and that is true as we have all seen by the abuse and neglect and horror some people inflict upon their children. Thank god that they are in the minority overall.
Having or not having children is a very personal thing, and if one chooses to have a child or a large family it isn't anyone else's right or business to question their choice. Same goes for those with kids who wonder (not often nicely) about those they know who chose not to repopulate the earth.
In today's world, if I were starting over, I know that I would not have the family I did have, although now that I have them and their progeny, I cannot say I wish I did not have them, as they have been the joys of my life.
Some people aren't meant for parenthood but have children anyway, and that is true as we have all seen by the abuse and neglect and horror some people inflict upon their children. Thank god that they are in the minority overall.
11
I don't participate in the "sociality of the playground and day-care center" nor the "endless activities and lessons that are de riguer in today's codes of upper-middle-class parenting". That culture really puts me off. I do my own thing with my son. I say 'hi' to playground mom's if the occasion calls for it but I've never formed part of that cult nor do I think I'd be accepted into it.
I think I would probably want to be child-free if I lived in Park Slope but it's a tiny corner of the world. There are other ways of being a mom.
I think I would probably want to be child-free if I lived in Park Slope but it's a tiny corner of the world. There are other ways of being a mom.
7
Well said, my kids are up and out, but I did not participate either. No one can force us to care about competitive parenting and all that nonsense. It was all around me and I ignored it. I also did not martyr myself and brag about how much I was sacrificing.
Father of an 18, 16, and 14 year old here. Either they get it or don't! You can't convince people who don't have kids what they are missing. Is it hard, complicated, and all the other colloquialisms? Yes. When I asked my mother last week why she didn't tell me how hard raising kids is (she raised 4), she replied, "If I told you, you would not have done it!" Doesn't that apply to many of things we human's do in life. God does not put on our plate more than we can handle?, so the saying goes. If we grow and mature and elevate our lives beyond our own self centered indulgent existences don't we evolve? Children and actually being responsible for the life of another is a tremendous piece of that equation. Putting you self second and your child(ren) first is the key to that entire process. But, either you get it or you don't.
10
I think children represent hope in the future.
3
Well, we were all children and I remember that being said about us.
How did that pan out?
How did that pan out?
Not everyone is fit to be a parent, including many parents. If you choose not to have children, that's your decision. Likewise, if you decide to have 8, that's also your decision. I don't understand why people feel so defensive about their own choices. I chose to have children; you didn't. I won't presume that you're selfish if you don't lecture me about how the world is overpopulated.
I can't help but notice that a lot of the comments these child-free individuals had to do with their perception of the trappings of upper-class parenthood. The fact is, not every couple (or individual) with children has a $500 baby stroller, helicopter parents or spends every last cent on designer clothing for an infant.
Likewise, what you see depicted in a movie or TV show is hardly representative of what a typical family experiences. (If you're basing a choice on whether to reproduce on not wanting to be seen toting a diaper bag or having to throw lavish birthday parties for 3 year olds, you may not be getting a full picture.)
I can't help but notice that a lot of the comments these child-free individuals had to do with their perception of the trappings of upper-class parenthood. The fact is, not every couple (or individual) with children has a $500 baby stroller, helicopter parents or spends every last cent on designer clothing for an infant.
Likewise, what you see depicted in a movie or TV show is hardly representative of what a typical family experiences. (If you're basing a choice on whether to reproduce on not wanting to be seen toting a diaper bag or having to throw lavish birthday parties for 3 year olds, you may not be getting a full picture.)
12
The world could do with many fewer people.
32
The farcical materialism of it all aside, it's really about commitment; taking other people into your life who may enrich you or drag you down but to whom you are bound and obligated at least for a while. That's more daunting for some people than others and that's ok and I wish more people thought about it seriously before doing it.
10
The last few decades have been the first time - perhaps in all history! - when it was acceptable for a woman to say 'I am not marrying and/or having children' without following it with 'you may call me Sister Augustine from now on'. I'm a boomer; pretty much everyone of my parents' and earlier generations got married because if you didn't wed and procreate, people figured there was something wrong with you. Which made for many unhappy obligatory families. How much happier the world of my youth - and quite possibly, all of history - would have been if people who shouldn't have had children hadn't felt they 'had' to have them.
And it's NOBODY's business why not.
As it happens, there is something wrong with us. Psychological problems of a kind with possible genetic links (bipolar, borderline, autism, etc.) run in my family. Examples of such genetic issues (neither one is my family):
http://www.nytimes.com/1999/03/14/magazine/what-the-jumans-didn-t-know-a...
behind-jokes-life-pain-delusion-for-letterman-stalker-mental-illness-was-family.html
Now and then I have someone tell me I was 'selfish' and should have 'taken [my] chances'. I answer honestly and conclude: 'If I'd rolled genetic snake eyes and had one with the family curse, would you have adopted it? Because I've paid those dues.' They're always sorry they asked; never ask a question unless you're sure you want the answer.
And it's NOBODY's business why not.
As it happens, there is something wrong with us. Psychological problems of a kind with possible genetic links (bipolar, borderline, autism, etc.) run in my family. Examples of such genetic issues (neither one is my family):
http://www.nytimes.com/1999/03/14/magazine/what-the-jumans-didn-t-know-a...
behind-jokes-life-pain-delusion-for-letterman-stalker-mental-illness-was-family.html
Now and then I have someone tell me I was 'selfish' and should have 'taken [my] chances'. I answer honestly and conclude: 'If I'd rolled genetic snake eyes and had one with the family curse, would you have adopted it? Because I've paid those dues.' They're always sorry they asked; never ask a question unless you're sure you want the answer.
19
I note my link to the second NYT article didn't work. Here's a fixed link:
http://www.nytimes.com/1998/11/22/nyregion/behind-jokes-life-pain-delusi...
http://www.nytimes.com/1998/11/22/nyregion/behind-jokes-life-pain-delusi...
If you are really poor, I mean third world country poor, your only joy is to have children. Third world country poor doesn't exist in the US regardless of what people say. Third world poor is not missing a meal or meals but not knowing when you will eat again.
7
Speaking as a father of 4 - anyone who wants to have children should be forced to borrow one for at least 2 weeks. Ask any friend with a child between the ages of 1 and 3 and you will have plenty of volunteers. Stay home - use up your vacation. Cancel all of your plans. At the end of the two weeks you must pay your good friends $10,000. They need it. And you need to learn what it's really like to have kids - it's insanely expensive. That money is just a love tap. If you would miss it - then you can't afford to have kids - especially in NYC.
I have told my own children (now adults) that the freedom to choose whether or not to have kids is the defining question of their generation. There is no shortage of people.
Have a great career. Travel. Pay off your student loans. Buy a house. Retire. Do all the things you will only be able to dream about if you have kids of your own.
I have told my own children (now adults) that the freedom to choose whether or not to have kids is the defining question of their generation. There is no shortage of people.
Have a great career. Travel. Pay off your student loans. Buy a house. Retire. Do all the things you will only be able to dream about if you have kids of your own.
48
I personally don't look upon those who choose to go childless as selfish or shallow. Many parents covet the freedom of their peers in that sense. I think it's more a "take your vitamins" thing: parents try to convey to those without children how much more meaningful life becomes with a person to raise and care for. And the circle of life, as you pointed out in this article, requires that children will care for us later on. Lying on one's deathbed, I cannot help but feel that those without children must have a wistful regret for the legacy they did not leave behind.
3
There are legacies that do not require offspring.
4
I think what's missing here is how expensive it is to have a child at this time, especially if you have middle class expectations. When my siblings and I went to college in the '70's you could have a summer job and some reasonable loans and pay for it yourself. Over the last 30 years, basic life goals that used to be reachable with hard work now have become out of reach. It used to be you'd have a Dad with a good union job and families of multiple children all making their way through the system to find good work, afford a home, have a car, etc. Now that scenario has become increasingly unreachable for most. There's lots of reasons people don't have kids, and I think it's wonderful that it's now a socially acceptable option, but the difficulty of maintaining a middle class life for yourself, not to mention a kid, has to be part of the mix.
27
If you are a woman, you are either wired for children or you aren't, and in either case, you know it instinctively. It's those who doubt their instincts who get into trouble, which usually means having children for the wrong reason.
52
What's happened to common sense? No one mandates that you become a "helicopter" parent - generations of children survived - & thrived - without 17 kinds of lessons a week. Lost in all the round of activities is the fundamental need to teach your child values and self-reliance and resilience in adversity - & those lessons are often taught by example.
21
Finally a comment that makes sense!
1
Timing did it for me but I never wanted kids anyway. I didn't like baby sitting and my one summer as a camp counselor of 13 year olds might have cured me. I didn't meet my husband until I was 45 and he was only 31 and I was working overseas, something I couldn't do unless I was unencumbered. I told him when we were dating that there was not going to be $30,000 of in vitro fertilization in my future. He didn't even know what I meant. He never wanted children either and even has a hard time taking care of our cats who seem to have become my child substitutes. Even the cat who requires a lot of care is better than a child in my view. I just have no interest and have a very short attention span with my grand niece and nephew as cute as they are. Surprisingly, children really like me probably because I treat them more like adults. Sometimes I wonder theoretically if it would have been nice to have someone when I'm old and grey but my husband is 14 years younger and he'll have to do. I always had a group of friends that had no children or grown children so I could just avoid the whole universe of people and their kiddies. I think my friends with kids were jealous of me and my travels and freedom. We all make choices and I have no regrets.
22
Yep. This is me. More than ever, in today's world, there is so, so much to explore out there. Creativity, travel, enterprise, friends and the family you already have. I wanna live out my days exploring and doing good work. I would be a distracted, capricious, half-resentful mother. No kid deserves that, and frankly nor do I. (Note I am a professional creative. I think that is significant. It's something else that Dyer and Handler have in common. In a way, I already "reproduce" every time I create.)
18
You neglected to add "selfishness" to the "creativity, travel, enterprise, friends" listing. Aren'y you glad your parents thought differently? But, then, I suppose they did not get to be creative or travel and all that crazy stuff.......
Parenthood is a vocation. Not everyone has it. Families are greatly enriched by members who are childless. Studies should be done on childlessness in this larger family context.
28
These sorts of articles -- with an almost tongue-in-cheek tone -- have come to horrify and disturb me. I have been living in Germany for now more than 6 years and here the "me, me, me" so-called "child-free" culture is the strongest in the world, an incredibly low birthrate society where 30- and 40- (even 50-) somethings apparently believe that they can and should behave as 25 year olds for the rest of their lives. There are few children and a great number, sometimes a majority, of families have only one child - as society continues to age, inexorably, what you notice is older and even elderly people behaving, let's face it, like children. The narcissism, the egocentrism, the incredibly unattractive sight of older people dressed like teens, with their cats and dogs in place of opinionated, demanding human beings, their irritation when a baby cries or a child yells or a teen slices past them ... The Sunday TV movies with protagonist in their 60s and 70s finding romantic love, with tiny family units and often not a child in sight. And children, of course, sense that they are now, in effect, a "minority".
On the other hand, I find Germans to be far more honest and direct than their US or UK counterparts when addressing the reasons for this anti-child attitude (which is what it is). There are no euphemisms (and no opportunistic marketing-savvy books to troll): nearly always, these people "choose" to not have children because they wish to continue, endlessly, their same lifestyle
On the other hand, I find Germans to be far more honest and direct than their US or UK counterparts when addressing the reasons for this anti-child attitude (which is what it is). There are no euphemisms (and no opportunistic marketing-savvy books to troll): nearly always, these people "choose" to not have children because they wish to continue, endlessly, their same lifestyle
10
I decided not to have children because I had a horrible father and decided I didn't want to pass on the negativity he had doled out to me and my brothers for decades. My brothers both took a chance and became fathers, dedicating themselves to being far better ones than ours. Their style of parenting is different in some respects (one takes the affect of their children's behavior on others more seriously than the other, e.g.) but both are excellent dads. In hindsight I wish I'd had the same faith in myself they did. For all the headaches of parenting, it's obvious that it's been incredibly rewarding for them.
22
Yikes ... let's hope this trend doesn't catch fire. I mean who's going to pay for our Social Security and Medicare?
3
The immigrants will pay into SS and medicare once you get them signed on as citizens
7
The rich must pay. They have all our money.
15
I think about this often. Stated in the article is the fact childless people pay taxes on services that their children will never befit from. Will the future generation of Americans have to pay higher taxes?
But as a childless person, I am able to save money so I don't have to rely on SS or Medicare. I'm more prepared for retirement.
But as a childless person, I am able to save money so I don't have to rely on SS or Medicare. I'm more prepared for retirement.
3
I have one kid. By those who have kids, I am told how selfish I am that I denied my kid siblings. Yeah, right. Like so many of us have great relationships with our sibs.
I tell people who don't have kids to understand they can DECIDE not have kids.
Kids are complicated in a million ways. And that's if you have a healthy kid. You get a kid with off the grid issues and you have a billion complications.
Subverting the dominant paradigm is difficult. But so worth it, especially when it comes to the life altering decision to become a parent.
I tell people who don't have kids to understand they can DECIDE not have kids.
Kids are complicated in a million ways. And that's if you have a healthy kid. You get a kid with off the grid issues and you have a billion complications.
Subverting the dominant paradigm is difficult. But so worth it, especially when it comes to the life altering decision to become a parent.
46
Lol, as a parent of one I get this "Have another" comment all the time. Have a child and you're guilty of overpopulating the world (Which people seem to think means overly long lines at Starbucks) or you're not having enough! You can't win!
6
I'm an only child of parents who each have multiple siblings. I've never missed having a sibling. I learned early how to entertain myself through reading and imaginative play, and I've always had plenty of friends (and cousins) with whom to socialize, especially as I've gotten older and could pursue my own interests and meet like-minded people. From watching my parents' families, I also know that having siblings is not always a guarantee of close familial bonds and that sometimes, close familial bonds can be very destructive.
5
Yes! It took me a long time to convince my little brother that he was an "only child" and I was just visiting. Though I think he still believes me.......
1
i am 48. no kids. ok career. never wanted kids. never regretted it either. yes people bring up the issue but thats ok. more people have kids then should. a world with less people in it isnt bad. i have some friends. life is good. i am happy. having kids is like eating fish to me. i dont like fish so i dont eat it but if you like fish great.
146
I think a lot of people have kids because they have become bored with their own lives and need something new to focus their time on...
AM
AM
137
Having kids out of boredom... I think that there may be some truth to this, but in a good way. A lot of the things that I did in my early 20s - travel, hiking, seeing new places, meeting new people - seemed infinitely stimulating at the time, but after a few years I started to get intellectually bored. I focused more on my career and the attendant intellectual rewards that come with focused work. This has been good and a continuing source of stimulation, but now in my 30s I am looking forward to the next phase of life - having a kid. I suppose each active step forward in life is motivated to a degree by boredom with the current phase, but perhaps this is just a way of describing maturation.
7
I think a lot of people have kids because it's the "next" thing they are "supposed" to do. It doesn't even occur to them that they can just choose not to have them. Because they are so caught up in societal conformity.
12
Of all human activities, parenthood is unique in that the culture assumes that you are competent merely because of the expressed DESIRE to have kids. We don't assume that someone is capable of operating on a brain merely because of an expressed DESIRE to be a neurosurgeon; that someone is competent to pilot a 777 because they say they love to fly. But with parenthood, competence is to be assumed instead of demonstrated. Go figure ...
195
I agree. I have seen this incompetence time and time again as a child and family therapist.
15
What a tough time for women. It will be a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. Everything you say is true. But kids are a gift. I didn’t have mine until I was 45, so was a little more ready. We live in a time where women can do anything, or think that they can do anything. When it is all said and done there is going to be lots of regret when you don’t have kids(will hit you at 50) and chase that foolish job thinking that you made a difference. The beauty of it all with technology is that you don’t have to rush. “I am woman hear me roar” but keep the door open or the light on, having kids later in life is a gift!
1
Please do not assume that deciding not to have children inevitably leads to regret because in many cases it will not. Just as some people, male and female, grow up knowing that they absolutely want to have children someday, others know with equal certainty that they do not. Both feelings can be visceral and absolute. The difference is that society understands and embraces the bone deep desire to have children but generally dismisses the desire to live child free as a phase.
21
Almost everyone has regrets at 50, kids or not.
16
You sound like a nice guy, and I'm truly glad to see you're so happy with your late-in-life children, but you're way off here. For one, not all jobs are foolish. Some really make a difference, or are creative, contribute to the greater good, whatever. And "chasing" after having kids and being rewarded with ingratitude and bratitude isn't any picnic, either. Disappointment isn't the inevitable result of either choice, nor is joy. Some women would love to be pregnant for the first time late in life, I'm sure, but for a lot of us, the thought is a nightmare (and menopause a blessing).
15
It was and is rather simple for me.
-No desire to be responsible for a child;
-No particular liking of children (although admittedly, over the last 2 decades, more and more adults have some of those irritating 'child-like' qualities, viz. , illogical and amazingly ignorant, which has made me more sympathetic towards children because due to their lack of age/experience, they have an excuse for being stupid; people holding PhDs do not, and there are scads of idiot PhDs out there);
-Selfish, in that I have better things to do.
-Loathing. As the article states, parents develop that attitude that they and their children are indeed entitled to anything and everything, that indeed their rights (which are made up as they go along) do trump everyone else's, and perhaps even worse, the idea that I should somehow not mind. It's beyond arrogance; it borders a sadistic-disiplinarian attitude, as if all others should happily bow down to the will and whim of tiny ignoramuses and their distracted, sexually immature (they learn to do it in silence and in mere minutes) neurotic minders. In a Mad Max world, parents and their children would be eaten first. Perhaps not the mothers, but I digress...
It may not be the norm, but in all honesty, I just have never had the desire. Sex, yes; children, no. Perhaps it was just the attitude and lesson of the 70s?
Children. Bah, humbug.
-No desire to be responsible for a child;
-No particular liking of children (although admittedly, over the last 2 decades, more and more adults have some of those irritating 'child-like' qualities, viz. , illogical and amazingly ignorant, which has made me more sympathetic towards children because due to their lack of age/experience, they have an excuse for being stupid; people holding PhDs do not, and there are scads of idiot PhDs out there);
-Selfish, in that I have better things to do.
-Loathing. As the article states, parents develop that attitude that they and their children are indeed entitled to anything and everything, that indeed their rights (which are made up as they go along) do trump everyone else's, and perhaps even worse, the idea that I should somehow not mind. It's beyond arrogance; it borders a sadistic-disiplinarian attitude, as if all others should happily bow down to the will and whim of tiny ignoramuses and their distracted, sexually immature (they learn to do it in silence and in mere minutes) neurotic minders. In a Mad Max world, parents and their children would be eaten first. Perhaps not the mothers, but I digress...
It may not be the norm, but in all honesty, I just have never had the desire. Sex, yes; children, no. Perhaps it was just the attitude and lesson of the 70s?
Children. Bah, humbug.
95
Thank you....This sums up my reasons to be childless perfectly. And like you I was a teenager in the 70's who already felt human population increasing too quickly and the envirment degrading rapidly. Forty years later and I think we were correct.
12
I have two children, now adults, and I am quite blunt in that I do not particularly like children.
Or, rather, I do not like badly behaved children and since that is the vast majority of children nowadays, I feel free to make that blanket statement.
I love my own children, but what ever patience I had, admittedly was not very much, was used up on them. I have none whatsoever for the ill-behaved little monsters at every Sunday brunch in every pub in NYC. If either of my two children had behaved so poorly, I would have never taken them to another restaurant again.
Oh wait, I did not take my small children to a restaurant, because they were children and cannot be expected to sit quietly for hours at a time and I did not think the world should accommodate my every whim.
Or, rather, I do not like badly behaved children and since that is the vast majority of children nowadays, I feel free to make that blanket statement.
I love my own children, but what ever patience I had, admittedly was not very much, was used up on them. I have none whatsoever for the ill-behaved little monsters at every Sunday brunch in every pub in NYC. If either of my two children had behaved so poorly, I would have never taken them to another restaurant again.
Oh wait, I did not take my small children to a restaurant, because they were children and cannot be expected to sit quietly for hours at a time and I did not think the world should accommodate my every whim.
24
I don't have kids, prefer it that way, and have never wavered. But I think a lot of people remain childless not because of the commodification of childhood but because of the lack of control over their own lives. Society has a vital interest in children, yet we (collectively, not personally) prioritize work over children every time. People are expected to work at unpredictable hours, long hours, weekends, to move cities at the drop of a hat ....the list goes on. Meanwhile, the relentless march of atomisation/globalisation (two sides of the same coin) is making life outside the home more threatening to children.
The most important thing missing now isn't the wooden bowl, it's the freedom to roam unfettered through our neighbourhoods. Who looks out for the kids now, besides the parents themselves? No wonder parenthood todayis causing so much social anxiety.
Mind you, the human population of the earth needs to shrink a bit before we completely ruin the place, so there's a silver lining here.
The most important thing missing now isn't the wooden bowl, it's the freedom to roam unfettered through our neighbourhoods. Who looks out for the kids now, besides the parents themselves? No wonder parenthood todayis causing so much social anxiety.
Mind you, the human population of the earth needs to shrink a bit before we completely ruin the place, so there's a silver lining here.
110
As one who came late - and accidentally - to parenthood (after years of waffling and indecision about whether to procreate), I can see more than one side of this issue. Fortunately for me, I ended up with a kid - now teenager - who makes me laugh, and shares my taste in movies & music. The universe was kind. More than children, the insufferable thing is parents. Either smothering, obsessive ones, who make a child the center of any social situation, or neglectful ones, who care not whether their brat is annoying others. Self-centeredness can be found among parents and non-parents alike. My social circle includes both childless people, who can talk about nothing but themselves, and parents who can talk about nothing but their children. Even one mom who does both. Once an egomaniac, always an egomaniac.
87
Isn't having a child an act of optimism. Isn't faith in the future and hope for happiness what drives a couple to commit to marriage or at least each other. Ultimately, strong parenting is a step into the unknown. Every parent out there at some point notes that the is no manual, and that is how it should be. We demonstrate our faith and optimism one day at a time, with every diaper change, skinned knee, fender bender and college loan repayment. I do not fault people for for choosing to not have kids. i get as irked as any adult at presumptive parents, that was hardly a consideration as to whether i should or sould not have kids. Lets not over analyze a personal decision. Kids and adults and society as a whole are better off where a life decision to have children is freely made, with joy and hope and a little natural uncertainty, and not forced and fearful.
22
On a planet heading toward 11 billion, we need more people analyzing the choice to produce an additional resource-consuming human being, not less analysis and more knee-jerk procreation.
31
welp, i was happily child-free into my 40s. got married and am now a late-in-life full-time stepmom.
i love my kid and it's nice that i wound up being able to experience motherhood, buti'm still happy that i decided not to add to the world's overpopulation problem.
i love my kid and it's nice that i wound up being able to experience motherhood, buti'm still happy that i decided not to add to the world's overpopulation problem.
5
Let's all please analyze this decision FAR more closely than we have in the past. We're not bunnies.
4
Not enough attention was paid in this piece to the economic hardships of having children today, and how that is *the* factor for many when they decide not to have them. Daycare prices are skyrocketing, as is college tuition and health care costs. Maternity leave is a joke in this country. So having a kid today takes a much greater financial toll on parents than having a kid in the 1970s, when I was born. Although my husband and I would probably enjoy a having a child, we are terrified to think of what it would do to us financially, and worry that the stress of living paycheck to paycheck would affect our relationship. He's European and has told me that he'd be much more comfortable having a child in Europe. I have to say I completely understand. In this country, unless you're rich, having children is an enormous financial hardship and it's easy to see why many say "no thanks."
294
And yet, Kim, this article was about relatively wealthy/privileged people saying "no thanks." In no way did address working and middle class people.
6
In the United States, only affluent members of the 10% can afford children, medical care and aging. If you wish to participate in any of these things and you aren't rich then you are a "taker" and a leech on the rest of the upper class. According, at least, to one of the dominant political parties.
21
And yet Europe has lower birth rates than the US.
6
Something this article doesn't discuss at length (if at all) is the world children today will inherit tomorrow. I don't think human life on the planet Earth is improving, whether from environmental, economic, or political standpoints. And an increasing human population is the root cause for many problems.
Future generations are also the source of solutions. But the decision to have children simply to "fit in" should bear in mind these more serious consequences, and the lesser quality of life for the child itself.
Future generations are also the source of solutions. But the decision to have children simply to "fit in" should bear in mind these more serious consequences, and the lesser quality of life for the child itself.
127
This is the nearly verbatim explanation I gave for having a prolonged anxiety attack upon learning I was going to become a grandmother: because of financial, environmental, and political concerns, all of which are interrelated. That concern has not diminished not that the child has arrived, but has become more of a quiet resignation.
The expectations of the upper-middle class parenting expectations in this country are of little concern in our downward socially mobile existence.
The expectations of the upper-middle class parenting expectations in this country are of little concern in our downward socially mobile existence.
14
Thanks for this comment. I have never wanted children, but when I see friends and relatives who have them, I think, "How can anyone want to bring children into a world that we are destroying, and a future that is so desperately uncertain?" I would never dare say that out loud--talking about Debbie Downer--but it's what I always think. Why do that to your (potential) children?
28
As parent of four and grandma to four - soon to be five, as we happily "informally adopt" first granddaughter's husband and add him to the birthday list - I've had a great time with the parenthood side of this. On the other hand, I feel that the decision to be--or not to be--parents is a deeply personal one, and there aren't any rights or wrongs in making the decisions that attitude requires.
When I became engaged (dinosaur-light-years ago) in 1951) we decided we wanted four children...and that's what we got. Now, as I prepare to move to assisted living near son #4 and his family, I am grateful for the kindness and welcoming I'm receiving from all four of the "original crew" who, though scattered across the US, have conveyed their approval and willingness to help me relocate, which also includes downsizing a 50-year-old, 50-years' inhabited by me house to essentially a one-bedroom apartment and a 1000-mile move. I wish my husband were alive to join me. I wish my partner of the past 16 years would choose to go where I'm going, though health conditions play a large part in HIS decision on that one. But we'll Skype to stay in touch, and with luck, manage a visit or two from each other in the coming years. The things we treasure and pack for taking with us (a left-over valentine from my husband after a good 46-year-marriage, before his 1997 death from Alzheimers, my soon-to-arrive new Parkinson's disease walker, a ring from Hong Kong, a New Zealand scarf, six boxes of photos.
When I became engaged (dinosaur-light-years ago) in 1951) we decided we wanted four children...and that's what we got. Now, as I prepare to move to assisted living near son #4 and his family, I am grateful for the kindness and welcoming I'm receiving from all four of the "original crew" who, though scattered across the US, have conveyed their approval and willingness to help me relocate, which also includes downsizing a 50-year-old, 50-years' inhabited by me house to essentially a one-bedroom apartment and a 1000-mile move. I wish my husband were alive to join me. I wish my partner of the past 16 years would choose to go where I'm going, though health conditions play a large part in HIS decision on that one. But we'll Skype to stay in touch, and with luck, manage a visit or two from each other in the coming years. The things we treasure and pack for taking with us (a left-over valentine from my husband after a good 46-year-marriage, before his 1997 death from Alzheimers, my soon-to-arrive new Parkinson's disease walker, a ring from Hong Kong, a New Zealand scarf, six boxes of photos.
53
For potential parents, children are what marketers call "experience goods": you have to actually try them to know what it is all about.
But more important, they are also little people. A lot of the points of view in the article seem to be treating them as property of the parents: e.g., now the parents are an ecological nightmare because they have a minivan (rather than saying, "what a low-impact way to transport 6 people") and that mother is encroaching on my tennis game (rather than, "that child's right to play is being negotiated with my right to play"). Before worrying about the commoditization of childhood--which appears to be an extension of the vacuousness of these parents before they had children, so the wheel turns--I am mostly concerned about the reification of children and the assumption that they are just an accessory of the parents, like Paris Hilton's lap dog.
But more important, they are also little people. A lot of the points of view in the article seem to be treating them as property of the parents: e.g., now the parents are an ecological nightmare because they have a minivan (rather than saying, "what a low-impact way to transport 6 people") and that mother is encroaching on my tennis game (rather than, "that child's right to play is being negotiated with my right to play"). Before worrying about the commoditization of childhood--which appears to be an extension of the vacuousness of these parents before they had children, so the wheel turns--I am mostly concerned about the reification of children and the assumption that they are just an accessory of the parents, like Paris Hilton's lap dog.
47
Case in point.
2
Often someone told me I would regret my decision not to have children when I got older. I'm older now, and instead of regretting, I'm celebrating. I look at my brother and his wife with their three adult children still living at home and causing constant tension or the friend I spent time with this week who lives with and supports her son's family, including the times when he is in jail. She had a good career and is so broke now she doesn't even own a car that can get to the end of the driveway. Or my elderly aunt, who has trapped herself in her unemployed daughter's house, using every last penny on her daughter and getting little to no attention in return. Or there are several acquaintances who have had to take in their grandchildren at the request of social services. Then there are the dozens of friends who are estranged from their adult children or see them infrequently and agonize about the situation constantly. There are a few pleasant, beautiful examples but not enough to convince me I would have lucked out.
Parenthood lasts much longer than cute toys and organic cotton receiving blankets and good pre-schools.
Parenthood lasts much longer than cute toys and organic cotton receiving blankets and good pre-schools.
298
Parenthood certainly is a gamble. We have two self-supporting children between ages 24 and 26. We still pay public college tuition and dorm for the youngest who is 20 although last year she paid her own rent and food with her earnings. We are lucky our choldren are healthy and capable, but we also credit ourselves with teaching them the pride and value of responsibility, work, and sekf reliance. I see a lot if emotionally crippled ersatz adults whose parents "help" too much. All it dies is undermine confidence and make them whiny, entitled, and motionally immature. I'm glad our kids don't live with us. We are close with them but they are separate adults.
2
Indeed. Some of my friends' adult children seem to me to be very large parasites.
6
Sharper than a serpent's tooth...
4
Hmmm, don't we have enough that divides us without using children? I had two children in 1977 and 1980 respectively. My husband and I never thought about if, only when. They were a source of intense joy, intense heartsickness, humor, catastrophe, debt, responsibility, and fulfillment. I have one grandchild that spins my world with laughter, awe, and joy. I like to think that I have enough humanitarian interest in my world to be of help to those families who may need someone to sit with their child on a day they are home from school. I believe that the source of much of our alienation from one another is the way "individualism" has become defined as self absorption to the exclusion of the needs of our fellow humans. If we redefined the word to mean, "using one's individual talents, insights, and compassion to better help our fellow humans," then I think we would see a different attitude towards those with and without children. We do not to create an "us and them" scenario about everything.
69
It's a shame that anyone, parent or non-parent, should feel compelled to defend their decision whether or not to procreate. Having or not having a child is a life altering and personal choice that should not have to be justified to anyone else.
My husband and I chose to have four children in the late 70s and early 80s. We were very involved in all their activities and put less priority on our careers in order to do so. Thus, our children had to make do with less, from a material standpoint. But they have all become well educated, compassionate adults with uniquely different personalities and interests. We can not imagine our lives without any of them.
Raising even one child is much more of a financial burden now than it was 30 or 40 years ago. That being said, if I was looking to start a family now, I would probably decide to have fewer children, given how the U.S. economy has decimated all but the upper class.
My husband and I chose to have four children in the late 70s and early 80s. We were very involved in all their activities and put less priority on our careers in order to do so. Thus, our children had to make do with less, from a material standpoint. But they have all become well educated, compassionate adults with uniquely different personalities and interests. We can not imagine our lives without any of them.
Raising even one child is much more of a financial burden now than it was 30 or 40 years ago. That being said, if I was looking to start a family now, I would probably decide to have fewer children, given how the U.S. economy has decimated all but the upper class.
43
Again, those who are not parents have lives that are "responsibility-free." This idea is utterly insane. I have responsibilities in my career, to my partner, to my parents, and to my created family of choice (including dear friends). I have a mortgage and student loans. I am responsible to those I work with and work for. I am responsible to my community, so I volunteer at local organizations. I am responsible for the dogs I've adopted.
Are those who parent absolved of all of these responsibilities? Raising children is hard work. But it's not the only kind of work, nor are children the only responsibilities that parents or non-parents have.
Are those who parent absolved of all of these responsibilities? Raising children is hard work. But it's not the only kind of work, nor are children the only responsibilities that parents or non-parents have.
369
You are being overly defensive.
1. The term "responsibility-free" as used in this article pertained directly to the lives of a fictional couple in a play, not as a general term to describe child-free people - or you.
2. There is a certain type of responsibility that parents have that does not apply to anything else in life other than being responsible full-time for a physically disabled person - a rare demand. If you are sick, your career waits - not your 2 year old. If you are too tired to play with your partner, he or she can defer that wish many more times and for longer than your child. Your parents, friends, and even your dogs can wait a couple days or more for anything they need from you. But kids - there are so many "now" demands, that it gives whole new meaning to the word responsibility.
I sure am glad I decided to raise a child. And I sure am glad that the "child" part is almost over.
1. The term "responsibility-free" as used in this article pertained directly to the lives of a fictional couple in a play, not as a general term to describe child-free people - or you.
2. There is a certain type of responsibility that parents have that does not apply to anything else in life other than being responsible full-time for a physically disabled person - a rare demand. If you are sick, your career waits - not your 2 year old. If you are too tired to play with your partner, he or she can defer that wish many more times and for longer than your child. Your parents, friends, and even your dogs can wait a couple days or more for anything they need from you. But kids - there are so many "now" demands, that it gives whole new meaning to the word responsibility.
I sure am glad I decided to raise a child. And I sure am glad that the "child" part is almost over.
3
Thank you. That "responsibility-free" phrase made my hair stand on end. Talk about stereotyping!
13
Most parents I know do these things also.
5
That not having children is -first - seen as a decision to refuse a role; and second, is usually defended, or explained, shows how massive the pressures are - still - to have children. Women do have to think through the finality of their situation earlier than men. As Mr Dwyer points out, he can always change HIS mind at about the time he can start taking Social Security.
The doubling of childless women from 1976 to 2006 most likely reflects the entrance of more highly educated women into higher end jobs and careers -- providing the wherewithal to make choicesIt also introduces pressures that don't mix well with traditional parenting - unless there is a "wife" figure able to absorb home duties.
I really doubt that anyone opts out of parenthood because of obnoxiously competitive parenting practices. I also don't buy it is tougher today for most people to start families. Thre may be more reasons not to -- but the real reasons are personal.
The doubling of childless women from 1976 to 2006 most likely reflects the entrance of more highly educated women into higher end jobs and careers -- providing the wherewithal to make choicesIt also introduces pressures that don't mix well with traditional parenting - unless there is a "wife" figure able to absorb home duties.
I really doubt that anyone opts out of parenthood because of obnoxiously competitive parenting practices. I also don't buy it is tougher today for most people to start families. Thre may be more reasons not to -- but the real reasons are personal.
138
How can you say it's not tougher to start families today than it was 40 years ago, when many families could survive with only one parent working outside the home, when college tuition could be paid by summer-job earnings, and housing and health care costs for the family and were much less—adjusting for inflation—than they are today? Oh, and don't forget, how many new parents were still paying off their own student loans in the 1970s? Not many. Today it's standard.
31
Kim, only a slice of American families were one-earner and very few people even went to college compared to today. Housing wasn't that much cheaper and interest rates were way higher.
If you want to live in a 900 sq ft house with one bathroom, no A/C., only a couple of closets, bunk beds in the kids' room, one TV, one phone on the kitchen wall shared by all family members, maybe one car, very limited wardrobes for each family members, no vacations via plane, dining out maybe five times a year, no gadgets, etc. -- you still can easily support a family on one income. That is how most people lived in those halcyon days you hard back to. And 'career satisfaction' didn't play into it for most people, either.
If you want to live in a 900 sq ft house with one bathroom, no A/C., only a couple of closets, bunk beds in the kids' room, one TV, one phone on the kitchen wall shared by all family members, maybe one car, very limited wardrobes for each family members, no vacations via plane, dining out maybe five times a year, no gadgets, etc. -- you still can easily support a family on one income. That is how most people lived in those halcyon days you hard back to. And 'career satisfaction' didn't play into it for most people, either.
8
That is completely factually incorrect Bohemienne. People in fact lived very nice, cushy lives on one income prior to the 1980s. I mean, just tune into Mad Men tonight if you doubt that. Or read the book "Good Times".
My mother bought a home in the 1980s as a single mother on a limited income that my husband and I, who earn much more than she ever did, cannot afford -because it has quadrupled in value (that's not inflation). Oh, and she was able to send us to private school on that income too, because it didn't cost the equivalent of $40,000 per child to do so.
My mother bought a home in the 1980s as a single mother on a limited income that my husband and I, who earn much more than she ever did, cannot afford -because it has quadrupled in value (that's not inflation). Oh, and she was able to send us to private school on that income too, because it didn't cost the equivalent of $40,000 per child to do so.
2
It's kind of ironic that the bourgeois singles aren't having kids because of their disdain for bourgeois child-rearing. Whether one does or doesn't have kids, isn't the issue here the ambivalence well-off people feel about being well-off?
80
It seems that, "well off," like everything else, is relative.
4
It seems to me, anyway one speaks of it, the decision to have a child fundamentally relates to how one wishes to plan for a life with the resources at hand; thus, the decision has ultimately become an economical and/or financial one.
6
In a word, no.
6