On weekends when I was in grade school, I'd hop on my bike and go for miles up and down the coast, into the hills, and take long hikes in the woods and along the beach. I'd be gone from after breakfast until supper. No one had a clue where I was and this was before there were cell phones. I look at kids these days and they seem to be helpless on their own. Their parents are constantly texting them wanting to know where they are and what they are doing. When I was 14 my parents let me take a two week trip on my own. I traveled by train, and hitched for thousands of miles. During the entire time, I didn't have any communication with home. It was a fantastic trip and I'm forever grateful to my parents who let me run free.
62
Finally, this issue reaches mainstream press. It's been a long time coming; I was dealing with this a couple decades ago (my children are now in their twenties, and are, by the way, self-sufficient, resourceful young adults who can find their way home from the park and far-flung corners of the globe).
What people today don't seem to 'get' is that there have always been risks inherent in not watching kids 24/7. Accidents, falls, getting lost, bullies, and, yes, stranger-danger are not new to this generation. But that didn't stop parents from letting kids roam, in the past.
What changed?
What people today don't seem to 'get' is that there have always been risks inherent in not watching kids 24/7. Accidents, falls, getting lost, bullies, and, yes, stranger-danger are not new to this generation. But that didn't stop parents from letting kids roam, in the past.
What changed?
49
"Children" is a broad category. As a parent of a 12 and 14 yo, I find letting your 10 and 6 year old walk home unsupervised from a park is on the border of acceptable risk and depends on many factors, including if there are safe spots for the children to go if they are bothered or feel frightened (e.g. a bodega or newsstand), the speed and volume of car traffic, the number of intersections to be crossed, and the general maturity of the children involved. Another critical factor is if the children have a cell phone and their departure and arrival times are monitored by a parent.
"Free range" parenting, as a loosely defined philosophy, doesn't seem to have any nuance of risk assessment. The idea should be to let your child have as much independence as possible, given the child's level of maturity and the circumstances. Not all risks are the same.
"Free range" parenting, as a loosely defined philosophy, doesn't seem to have any nuance of risk assessment. The idea should be to let your child have as much independence as possible, given the child's level of maturity and the circumstances. Not all risks are the same.
30
Unfortunately Lyme disease, a real risk, (found a deer tick on my young child last year) makes playing outside where I live a worry. When I was young this was not a factor.
8
We do not want safety, we want control. Sure, our children may be less safe in a car than roaming free around the neighborhood, but in the car, at least we are the ones behind the wheel.
It is a tragic human flaw to believe we have more control over the universe than we actually do. Combine that with the state of our current society, where communities have dwindled and we have lost our ability to trust anyone or anything (and for good reason), and we see the result.
Good parenting requires one to admit his or her limitations as a human being and to recognize when relinquishing control is in the child's best interest. Relinquishing control causes a parent to worry, and we are all too anxiety-ridden as it is. However, it is also required to raise a healthy and independent child.
It is a tragic human flaw to believe we have more control over the universe than we actually do. Combine that with the state of our current society, where communities have dwindled and we have lost our ability to trust anyone or anything (and for good reason), and we see the result.
Good parenting requires one to admit his or her limitations as a human being and to recognize when relinquishing control is in the child's best interest. Relinquishing control causes a parent to worry, and we are all too anxiety-ridden as it is. However, it is also required to raise a healthy and independent child.
45
Bravo & Brava to the Clemens Wergin Team !
The U.S. is peculiar in some ways.
We espouse individuality & freedom but sometimes fail to set our children free.
A Danish mother was arrested in 1997 for positioning her sleeping baby in it's carriage outside the window of a restaurant while she & her spouse went inside.
The U.S. is peculiar in some ways.
We espouse individuality & freedom but sometimes fail to set our children free.
A Danish mother was arrested in 1997 for positioning her sleeping baby in it's carriage outside the window of a restaurant while she & her spouse went inside.
20
...the very last line in this story sums up so many things in regard to the modern day USA...
14
The main point of the article as I see it is not whether it is appropriate to allow children a degree of independence. There are many opinions on the matter which have been shared by some people in their comments. The main point is that differences in parenting style can and should exist. Some parents are more comfortable than others in letting their children walk to school or after school activities. They are not committing a crime by doing so, and the case of the parents' being found guilty of child neglect for letting their children walk down the street in their neighborhood is an example of the state interference that is quite inappropriate.
52
Far too often people base their decisions and actions on possibilities rather than probabilities. It is not surprising that parenting has thus changed during the growth of the internet, with its quick access to instant information and more information, keeping parents informed of all the bad possibilities.
Access to more information does not lead to smarter decisions. Access to better information leads to smarter decisions. Better information filtered through a good mind leads to the best decisions.
Access to more information does not lead to smarter decisions. Access to better information leads to smarter decisions. Better information filtered through a good mind leads to the best decisions.
23
In CT, a father was successfully prosecuted for 'risk of injury to a child' because his 2 year old, for the first time, managed to open the back door and get outside for 15 minutes while the father watched TV.
Thankfully the supreme court reversed the conviction, but only because an eight year old was also home. http://www.jud.ct.gov/external/supapp/Cases/AROcr/CR303/303CR109.pdf
Nevertheless, the Chief Justice and Justice Palmer dissented, claiming that it was unquestionably criminal when a 2 year old escapes the house while the adult was watching TV in another room, and the presence of an 8 year old shouldn't save him.
So apparently, in CT, to avoid criminal liability, you need eyes on a 2 year old, 24/7.
Thankfully the supreme court reversed the conviction, but only because an eight year old was also home. http://www.jud.ct.gov/external/supapp/Cases/AROcr/CR303/303CR109.pdf
Nevertheless, the Chief Justice and Justice Palmer dissented, claiming that it was unquestionably criminal when a 2 year old escapes the house while the adult was watching TV in another room, and the presence of an 8 year old shouldn't save him.
So apparently, in CT, to avoid criminal liability, you need eyes on a 2 year old, 24/7.
18
As another immigrant from Europe, Belgium, years ago when my son was 10 (he is 40 now) he would roam around the neighborhood with his friends, go into the woods, we would drop them off at Duke Forest, and pick them back up hours later. We didn't have cell phones to continuously track them. We left him alone one long weekend when he was 12 or 13, my husband had to go to Chicago for a few days, I had already left for Zimbabwe, our friends knew and would come by— we never got a babysitter after the age of 10, he would come home from school at 2h30, we were still at work, he was very responsible. If we did some of this now, we might end up in court too. We need to teach our kids to be independent, but in today's world it seems almost impossible, not sure what this means for the future!
25
Thank you for this, Mr. Wergin. I live in beautiful Taos, NM, where the air is clean, the sky is almost always clear blue, parks abound, and the mountains surround us like an embrace. Yet I seldom if ever see children outside playing freely, the way my sisters and neighborhood freinds did when we were young. It saddens me. Video games couldn't possibly compare with the beauty of nature here.
26
Having now passed that magic age of 80, I had a very different upbringing. Being raised in New York City, my mom worked and my dad was mostly absent. My brother and I walked routinely to Central Park, a major playground for us, and to the several museums near the Park. We of course played in the streets of Manhattan mostly, but we walked everywhere. We took the subway by ourselves to visit my grandmother in the Bronx, where we could walk over to Yankee Stadium. I appreciate the concerns of helicopter parents, but it is a shame that their kids will not know the pleasures we experienced.
36
The most important direction this conversation needs to take is to move towards less criticism of people who are parents. Parents (I am one) have the right to make reasonable choices about norms for their children. Allowing children the right to roam is perfectly reasonable and should probably be enshrined in law. Parents would then have the right to make a reasoned decision based on their children and the community that they live in. Some six year olds are ready to walk around the block alone, others might not be until eight or ten. The decision is the right of the parent.
Danger, fear, and choice are part of life. Within reason, children can learn to safely navigate through greater than 99.999% of the situations that they are likely to encounter playing in their neighborhood. Statistically, we live in a far safer world than the past. Do bad things happen? Of course. Will most 8-9 year old kids safely navigate a suburban neighborhood without supervision? Of course!
As a teacher, I often encounter students who have not had a single autonomous experience. This is damaging to them. Kids usually benefit from roaming around playing with friends. I did it as kid and plan on allowing my own children to roam as well.
Danger, fear, and choice are part of life. Within reason, children can learn to safely navigate through greater than 99.999% of the situations that they are likely to encounter playing in their neighborhood. Statistically, we live in a far safer world than the past. Do bad things happen? Of course. Will most 8-9 year old kids safely navigate a suburban neighborhood without supervision? Of course!
As a teacher, I often encounter students who have not had a single autonomous experience. This is damaging to them. Kids usually benefit from roaming around playing with friends. I did it as kid and plan on allowing my own children to roam as well.
42
As a kid, my mother told us to go out and play. We said we didn't know anyone. She said, go meet someone. So we did. We walked to/from school. Only caveat, let mom know. We roamed 10 blocks to the park. Rode the bus cross town to grandma's house. We had rules: let people know what we planned to do; don't talk to every stranger; learn to get along with our new friends; always travel in a pack. Don't have a game? Make one up. And we had some pretty convoluted rules for our games. And the girls and boys played together. We learned a lot. And it made a difference when we were in school. And it continues to make me who I am at 67.
45
The DC parents were cited correctly. Doubly troubling is not just making their ten year old overcome his natural curiosity to explore, but to be responsible for his tiny sister at the same time, manage her, keep her from exploring and becoming frightened, and navigating their way through busy streets. That is not the job of a ten year old child.
Kids aren't little adults. They see the world differently, they notice things that adults do not and vice versa. Adults notice the types of business and the location of parking and driveways, but kids notice the trees and the window displays and where snow piles up on the sidewalk. They perceive distance differently (short little legs) and find importance in things adults take for granted. A ten year old is not in danger of abduction, but getting lost and becoming terrified and not finding an adult, when there are no more stay at homers keeping their front doors open school in friendly neighborhoods. The economy was kind to families and children back in the Olden Days of the baby boom, when one person could earn enough to support a family and leave others able to keep an eye on kids.
Kids aren't little adults. They see the world differently, they notice things that adults do not and vice versa. Adults notice the types of business and the location of parking and driveways, but kids notice the trees and the window displays and where snow piles up on the sidewalk. They perceive distance differently (short little legs) and find importance in things adults take for granted. A ten year old is not in danger of abduction, but getting lost and becoming terrified and not finding an adult, when there are no more stay at homers keeping their front doors open school in friendly neighborhoods. The economy was kind to families and children back in the Olden Days of the baby boom, when one person could earn enough to support a family and leave others able to keep an eye on kids.
10
I agree with Mr. Wergin's assessment. In DC (age 6 ) and London (age 7) our daughter had the subway/tube stops figured out before we did. In Germany (age 8), she picked out the best spots for Kaffee und Kuchen.
At age 10, we found a friend to bike to school with her. The next week, a man jumped out of an Escalade in from of the friend's house, yelling at our friends. The mother works with the mentally disabled and recognized symptoms of either drug usage or a psychotic break. She tried to direct him to the address. The kids were scared out of their wits. What would the man have done had she not been there?
This is an anecdote--but they happen regularly in our average, diverse Denver neighborhood. People steeling bikes out of our closed garage at 2 AM, purses stolen from school offices, and yes, men driving slowly vans offering kids candy and rides. I witness freaky stuff all the time, from neighbors and strangers alike.
I want my daughter to ride to school with her friend... and the library, the park, the bakery. She knows how to ride the city bus and be responsible for her whereabouts (she still has to tell us where she'll be). But, even in our quiet neighborhood, it is terrifying. Because our neighbors might not be brave enough to help a child in need. Or we don't have social supports for people who struggle with mental illness and poverty. Either way, our neighborhoods are not what we want them to be.
She’s riding home today; I’ll greet her with a hug... I hope.
At age 10, we found a friend to bike to school with her. The next week, a man jumped out of an Escalade in from of the friend's house, yelling at our friends. The mother works with the mentally disabled and recognized symptoms of either drug usage or a psychotic break. She tried to direct him to the address. The kids were scared out of their wits. What would the man have done had she not been there?
This is an anecdote--but they happen regularly in our average, diverse Denver neighborhood. People steeling bikes out of our closed garage at 2 AM, purses stolen from school offices, and yes, men driving slowly vans offering kids candy and rides. I witness freaky stuff all the time, from neighbors and strangers alike.
I want my daughter to ride to school with her friend... and the library, the park, the bakery. She knows how to ride the city bus and be responsible for her whereabouts (she still has to tell us where she'll be). But, even in our quiet neighborhood, it is terrifying. Because our neighbors might not be brave enough to help a child in need. Or we don't have social supports for people who struggle with mental illness and poverty. Either way, our neighborhoods are not what we want them to be.
She’s riding home today; I’ll greet her with a hug... I hope.
10
Thank you for writing this article! Our kid was born and raised in Africa until age 3.5 years before coming the US - a complete culture shock for him! At that young age in AFrica, with the freedom to wander and take some care of himself, he was confident and happy. That changed when he came to the US. Children here are completely self-absorbed in their little worlds., and no wonder with all the protectiveness! Children here no longer "play WITH" each other rather "AMONGST" each other each absorbed in their little world - video games, iPads, taught to be excessively competitive from the day they're born, refusing to share, anxious and whiny. Yet their parents mostly had a different upbringing. Their reasoning for protectiveness is skewed by the power of anecdotes of abduction - real, yes, but it fails to consider the extremely low statistical chances of abduction! And the Child Protections Services play into the idiocy (mostly to protect their own jobs).
18
Last year, at age 10, my daughter went for a walk by herself through the pedestrian-friendly, busy commercial area of my neighborhood. She landed at a bookstore, and later told me this story,"Mama, there was someone in the bookstore that made me feel uncomfortable. I looked around and saw a mom with her child, who seemed nice, so I thought I could go to her if anything happened. The clerk also seemed nice, so I could tell her, too." Well, nothing bad happened to my daughter. What did happen were these four good things: 1) My daughter was aware of her surroundings, 2) she trusted her gut feeling about someone, 3) she made a plan in case something happened, and 4) she made a contingency plan. I couldn't be more proud of her. She'll be fine in this world.
51
Modern parenting, if this article is correct, is downright ridiculous. In elementary school, I walked a good 9/10ths of a mile to school from home. This was at 5 1/2 years of age. At 12, I was bicycling with my friends 5, 10 miles from home, crossing the B&O Railroad viaduct north of Elkridge, with Steam locomotives roaring past maybe 4 or 5 feet away from where we were pushing our bikes on the walkway separated by a railing from the trains. Now I see parents sitting in cars at the end of a street no longer than maybe 3/8ths of a mile, waiting to put them on a school bus. The kids can't walk a quarter of a mile? Or do they think a big bad bugaboo is going to get the kid between their front door and the place where the bus stops at the end of their dead-end street? Over protective? That's for dang sure!!! None of the kids, I've noticed, are paraplegics or in wheel chairs, so what's with this driving them 3/8ths of a mile at most to a bus stop.
16
The people who joyfully talk about their free-range childhoods are alive to tell the story. Those children who suddenly disappeared in the 1960s, 70s, 80s could at best be contacted by a medium for THEIR free-range stories. With the jihadists preparing attacks on unarmed civilians worldwide, the protective parents may come out ahead.
12
I’m all in favor of free-range kids. My own childhood was about as free-range as one can get. Have I got stories to tell! However, before we get all high and mighty about the good old days, let’s open the house door a bit and take a peak outside at the modern day range.
Those bike friendly country lanes - they’ve become six lane freeways. The woodlands long ago were bulldozed into parking lots and look-alike strip shopping centers. In much of the country, parks are a form of socialism, depriving a few property speculators of their God-given rights. Public pools have been replaced with subdivision pools, meaning they are segregated by race and income. Neighborhood schools increasingly are being replaced with commuter schools segregated by religion. The only form of school transportation lower in social status than the “big cheese” is the bicycle. Neighborhood police have become paramilitary units. The law of the land is shoot first and don’t ask too may questions later.
My home county now has a population of over 700,000 people. Consider the motto of “our” government: “Low on taxes, big on business.” What’s missing from their focus is the people that actually live here. That’s why the Commission sees no problem using precious park money to subsidize the transition of the Atlanta Braves from a baseball team to a developer.
“Free range kids” is a great concept. First though you need the range. And for that you need the few people that vote to actually care about the range.
Those bike friendly country lanes - they’ve become six lane freeways. The woodlands long ago were bulldozed into parking lots and look-alike strip shopping centers. In much of the country, parks are a form of socialism, depriving a few property speculators of their God-given rights. Public pools have been replaced with subdivision pools, meaning they are segregated by race and income. Neighborhood schools increasingly are being replaced with commuter schools segregated by religion. The only form of school transportation lower in social status than the “big cheese” is the bicycle. Neighborhood police have become paramilitary units. The law of the land is shoot first and don’t ask too may questions later.
My home county now has a population of over 700,000 people. Consider the motto of “our” government: “Low on taxes, big on business.” What’s missing from their focus is the people that actually live here. That’s why the Commission sees no problem using precious park money to subsidize the transition of the Atlanta Braves from a baseball team to a developer.
“Free range kids” is a great concept. First though you need the range. And for that you need the few people that vote to actually care about the range.
197
Your free range child is apt to be called a problem child, diagnosed as hyperactive, thrown into detention, and generally considered abnormal. Been there. Now he has a free range child, and it's even worse for both parents and child, because strictures on child activity and freedom are even stronger and more prevalent. The child who thinks and acts outside the box is frequently put in one.
16
I grew up in 60s and 70s in suburban Chicago, and it's completely astonishing to me that letting kids walk home alone from a park is now considered child neglect. Starting in kindergarten, I walked a mile each way to and from school (with some older neighborhood kids) and often on my own from first grade on. I never got a ride, unless the weather was unusually severe, and I could probably count on two hands the number of times that happened. All of the kids in my neighborhood played outside for hours unsupervised all the time. It's amazing how many different variations on the game "tag" we could come up with. We rode our bikes to friends houses. And, we lived across from a forest preserve and I would go hiking by myself all the time.
By some miracle, I survived to adulthood. I feel sorry for today's kids.
By some miracle, I survived to adulthood. I feel sorry for today's kids.
15
Society undermines the confidence parents need to give their kids freedom. If we really believe in the instructive value of roaming, then we should unburden protective parents by voting for policies like gun control, and better access to educational opportunities for enrichment.
9
A couple of years ago, my husband and I were paying our bill in a restaurant and let our kids (then 5, 6 and 8) go out to a grassy area (which was about 15 feet from where we were standing and separated from the parking lot by a fence) while we waited for the cashier. My kids ran back into the restaurant all freaked out because some man was giving them the third degree about where their parents were. That man came in after them wild-eyed and fuming at my husband and me. While I spent much of my childhood free-roaming my neighborhood on foot and bicycle from breakfast till dinner, now it seems that any parent who doesn't keep their child on a literal or virtual leash is guilty of "neglect."
21
I'm a parent of three young children. We live in a suburban town which is very similar to the one in which I grew up. I've thought about this topic often, as I see my kids grow up and compare my upbringing to theirs. It's not an issue of 'not letting' our kids do things that we did out of some irrational fear of something happening to them. It's simply that the demands of our family are different than they were for me growing up. My mother was a SAHM, so I was home from school early in the afternoon with plenty of time to do whatever homework I had, attend practices, and play unstructured/unsupervised. And my mother, with all her household and family responsibilities wasn't interested in supervising or interacting with us if unnecessary.
Now, my wife and I work outside the home, so our kids aren't home until very late afternoon/early evening. There just isn't the time for the long unstructured activities I had - they play with each other, have some screen time (which is realistically no more than I did when we only had TV and Atari), read, do homework, attend practices (which are no more than I had at their age). And on weekends again there are no long blocks of unaccounted for time for them because we like to do things together as a family - after all my wife and I are working during the week, so our weekday time is spent on shepherding everyone through their school/work day routines. Finally on the weekend we have time to enjoy each other's company.
Now, my wife and I work outside the home, so our kids aren't home until very late afternoon/early evening. There just isn't the time for the long unstructured activities I had - they play with each other, have some screen time (which is realistically no more than I did when we only had TV and Atari), read, do homework, attend practices (which are no more than I had at their age). And on weekends again there are no long blocks of unaccounted for time for them because we like to do things together as a family - after all my wife and I are working during the week, so our weekday time is spent on shepherding everyone through their school/work day routines. Finally on the weekend we have time to enjoy each other's company.
8
Yes America families are now too often have parents who want to be Friends with kids rather than Parent them. It takes Fortitude to be a good parent in any Generation.
5
I am not entirely convinced the author made a great case for the benefit of free range parenting, merely a full voiced lament that free range parenting is no longer acceptable. Most parents rightly fear what might happen to their children left to their own devices. I certainly count myself among them. The concerns are not merely about abduction. I think the inclination to protect is heightened among those who were free ranged parented in the 70's-80's.... largely informed by their own experiences. How many people used drugs for the first time or saw friends whose lives were spun out of control by absentee parenting.
Personally, I'm not as concerned about other people kidnapping my kid, but my real concerns are certainly valid. In spite of the fact that I loved my childhood (my parents were wonderful), I certainly carry more than a few scars from my experiences as a free range child: I nearly drowned (twice) while unsupervised... once I was caught in a riptide (with only other kids around).. I swam for three hours straight to get back to the shore. Once in a pool with an overzelous play friend. I've been lost in the woods. I was kicked in the chest by a horse... I fell on a knife and the blade went most of the way through my leg and I had to crawl home. And so on and so forth. All by myself.
In this day and age when we invest so much time/money/energy into our children that their well being becomes our legacy, it is harder to make a case for inhanced freedom.
Personally, I'm not as concerned about other people kidnapping my kid, but my real concerns are certainly valid. In spite of the fact that I loved my childhood (my parents were wonderful), I certainly carry more than a few scars from my experiences as a free range child: I nearly drowned (twice) while unsupervised... once I was caught in a riptide (with only other kids around).. I swam for three hours straight to get back to the shore. Once in a pool with an overzelous play friend. I've been lost in the woods. I was kicked in the chest by a horse... I fell on a knife and the blade went most of the way through my leg and I had to crawl home. And so on and so forth. All by myself.
In this day and age when we invest so much time/money/energy into our children that their well being becomes our legacy, it is harder to make a case for inhanced freedom.
16
We raised our only child (now in college) to embrace, not fear life. At orientation for first grade at a new school, my heart turned over as the principal announced an "exciting new K/1 class"-- of course it was just a solution to too many kids in first grade. My child looked at me and said confidently "that's not for me!." Sure enough he was assigned to that class. My happy son began to cry "but mom, I am so ready for the first grade." I coaxed him in to explaining why, and then I told him we would go speak to the principal, but "YOU have to do the talking." We did, and he did, and the principal hearing his eloquence reassigned him to a true first grade class, where he thrived. This was a lesson for us-- and I hope today's parents reading this will hear it--- let them speak for themselves, let them play, let them pick their friends and make some choices.
8
Lenore Skenazy coined the term "Free-Range Kids" in 2008 and started the movement with the publication of her essay in The New York Sun called "Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone." Her book FREE-RANGE KIDS: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Kids Without Going Nuts with Worry (John Wiley & Sons, 2009) has become a classic. As her speaking agent and publicist, I must say I am not upset that Mr. Wergin did not mention Lenore in his superb essay...he put the focus exactly where we want it: on children's rights to range, play and grow free -- and on parents' rights to parent! Bravo!!!
9
I can't read this article without recalling my childhood growing up in Queens in the 1950s. Though she was not a permissivist, my mom would let me ride the subways unescorted by an adult. The freedom was exciting; going to Manhattan was like entering the Emerald City.
Though I was taught not to enter the cars of people unknown to me, my mom counseled "if you ever get lost approach a stranger and ask for help" This would be rank heresy today, if not child abuse.
There have been two momentous changes in society since then. The first is that back then it was assumed that all adults were responsible for everyone's children The second is that it was assumed from the eyes of a child that the world was a friendly place and one would be taken care of. Today, children
are reared with the sense that the world is a frightening and inimical place. Both these major shifts are destructive of the social bond.
Joe Chuman
Though I was taught not to enter the cars of people unknown to me, my mom counseled "if you ever get lost approach a stranger and ask for help" This would be rank heresy today, if not child abuse.
There have been two momentous changes in society since then. The first is that back then it was assumed that all adults were responsible for everyone's children The second is that it was assumed from the eyes of a child that the world was a friendly place and one would be taken care of. Today, children
are reared with the sense that the world is a frightening and inimical place. Both these major shifts are destructive of the social bond.
Joe Chuman
8
there are other dangers besides kidnappings...has the author researched the stats on sex offenders who live in the neighborhood?
11
In the summer of 2002, the year Elizabeth Smart was abducted, there was just about nothing but rampant kidnapping reported on the news - so much so that when school began in September, a state police officer was posted outside of our school at coming and leaving time for the children's protection. The parents were reassured.
Turns out, that summer was fairly light on kidnapping, but evidently nothing else was going on, so the news fell back on tried and true ratings boosters, like pictures of pretty white girls as victims. And the taxpayers foot the bill.
Turns out, that summer was fairly light on kidnapping, but evidently nothing else was going on, so the news fell back on tried and true ratings boosters, like pictures of pretty white girls as victims. And the taxpayers foot the bill.
9
My concern is that we assume only the parents are responsible for keeping their kids safe. The rest of us no longer have to watch out for all children.
12
Can we stop with the "Amber Alerts" too? When I am driving (400 miles away from the incident) I do not need to know from a flashing sign on the freeway that someone's daughter or son was taken by their father or mother, a grandparent or neighbor. Family communications or marital disputes can be handled - privately and with LOCAL authorities. Charge a municipal fine for repeat offenders, or for custody disputes gone awry.
5
This criminalizing of normal parent behavior is ridiculous. For generations kids were able to take care of themselves walk around, walk home live normal live now they need to be watched 24/7 and their parents arrested for letting them walk the streets alone. That's an example of everything wrong with American society all punishment based on irrational fear that the statistics don't even justify. I remember walking home all the time and of course I got into trouble at times, but I also learned how to look out for myself and how to deal with life in the real world. We may be coddling those kids in America whose parents can afford nannies, expensive aftercare and money for private sports leagues and jailing and penalizing those who parents can't afford it, but at the end of the day it's our kids who will suffer not knowing how to handle the real world on their own..
7
I don't suppose it's occurred to the writer that the reason that child abduction by stranger has gone down so far is exactly BECAUSE of the new parenting style.
15
The world is much safer than those who wish to exploit us wish us to know.
Making children afraid by proxy using their parents to do so makes for fearful adults whom are less confident and able to judge.
In just 35 years the US has become almost as fearful and intrusive in the individual lives of its citizens as the countries we used to see described this way on the news to show us how evil living in imposed fear was.
Making children afraid by proxy using their parents to do so makes for fearful adults whom are less confident and able to judge.
In just 35 years the US has become almost as fearful and intrusive in the individual lives of its citizens as the countries we used to see described this way on the news to show us how evil living in imposed fear was.
8
At a recent conference I attended at Sarah Lawrence, we discussed how the idea of "free range" parenting seems only to be allowed to apply to whites. "Cool" white parents may sometimes get social service called on them when their kid is alone at the library; but when black parents try the same thing, it raises even more trouble from authorities.
We do need to be able to return to the days when we parented together as a community, looking out for kids. I have at times lived among neighbors where our children ran out around the houses, in and out of homes, without checking in too much. It was wonderful. Coddled children with helicopter parents are ill-equipped for the freedoms they encounter in college, let alone once on the job.
We do need to be able to return to the days when we parented together as a community, looking out for kids. I have at times lived among neighbors where our children ran out around the houses, in and out of homes, without checking in too much. It was wonderful. Coddled children with helicopter parents are ill-equipped for the freedoms they encounter in college, let alone once on the job.
5
Agree that (1) we are overprotective in the US and (2) the US has become a nanny state. Addressing issue #2: doesn't this arise because we people in the US are so quick to sue cities/state/country for the mishaps and tragedies that befall us, and juries and judges are equally quick to award huge damages to the plaintiffs? So, CPS doesn't take the risk of ignoring a report of two young siblings walking home from the park -- it may well become a multi-million dollar case -- so, let's just treat like a horrendous act of neglect, it's safer that way. This kind of thing pervades our lives and our thinking.
2
It makes sense to air your children out like puppies. But it's funny how we're not living in a time when common sense is a given. My daughter's NYC public school just announced today in an email informing parents of the improvements they have made during recess, that children were now 'allowed to sit with their friends and socialize with each other' during recess; and that, even bigger news, they could now go outside and play, something which they more often than not, forbidden to do during winter.
I mean, hold onto your seat! Kids can actually play outside and socialize with each other during recess? Golly! What a miracle!
If the schools are going to be compounds of freakish martial law regulations and bunkers of fear, then is it any wonder that parents are responding in kind, afraid to let their kids out to play? How do you deal with a school policy that is so stupid and so self-congratulatory at the same time? Or is this just a reaction to the culture of fear and they are just conduits?
I am one of the few parents who let my sixth grade daughter free roam to and fro school. We live three blocks away in a super safe, tree-lined bourgeois-ish, community.
I mean, hold onto your seat! Kids can actually play outside and socialize with each other during recess? Golly! What a miracle!
If the schools are going to be compounds of freakish martial law regulations and bunkers of fear, then is it any wonder that parents are responding in kind, afraid to let their kids out to play? How do you deal with a school policy that is so stupid and so self-congratulatory at the same time? Or is this just a reaction to the culture of fear and they are just conduits?
I am one of the few parents who let my sixth grade daughter free roam to and fro school. We live three blocks away in a super safe, tree-lined bourgeois-ish, community.
11
My two children were free-range children, both in St Louis and later even in LA. Now two of my grandchildren are as well. The feeling of confidence and a sense of mastery that a child has when allowed the run of a safe neighborhood, is inestimable. Such children have the inner resources of self-reliance.
Yes, one day at the LA public library, I left my 12 yr old daughter to work on a school research project. I did a quick errand in downtown LA, and came back to be taken aside by one of the librarians and told that one of the street people who loved spending the day in the library (not for their love of books or learning), had exposed himself to my daughter and grabbed her hand for her to touch him. She got her hand away and did the right thing - immediately reported this to one of the librarians, who stayed with her until I returned.
Was this shocking and a bit traumatic? Yes, but not life-changing. I don't think I know anyone who at some time was not the victim of a flasher, no matter where they lived. I'm still here and it did not change my life.
One must learn to life in the world, ugliness and all.
Yes, one day at the LA public library, I left my 12 yr old daughter to work on a school research project. I did a quick errand in downtown LA, and came back to be taken aside by one of the librarians and told that one of the street people who loved spending the day in the library (not for their love of books or learning), had exposed himself to my daughter and grabbed her hand for her to touch him. She got her hand away and did the right thing - immediately reported this to one of the librarians, who stayed with her until I returned.
Was this shocking and a bit traumatic? Yes, but not life-changing. I don't think I know anyone who at some time was not the victim of a flasher, no matter where they lived. I'm still here and it did not change my life.
One must learn to life in the world, ugliness and all.
16
Amen!! I rode my bike all throughout Frankfort, KY when I was growing up, totally unsupervised, including to and from school. I played with friends in many neighborhoods and swam with them in the Kentucky river, all unsupervised! I would not change it for the world! It was like a modern Huck Finn childhood and I know I am better for it. I learned confidence and the thrill of discovery that would have come much slower, if at all, under the helicopter parenting practiced today. Thanks Mon and Dad
6
The main problem is that safety is in numbers, and the numbers don't exist anymore. When my kids were young, I stayed home with them. But noone else did - there simply were no other children there for my kids to play with on our block. They were all at daycare or after school care. This isn't just about free-range parenting, it's also about a fundamental shift in women's roles and the necessity of two-incomes to sustain a family. Free range parenting only makes sense when the social network exists to support it across the community.
24
I have nothing but the most beautiful memories of my summer holidays in Scotland in 1980 when I was 8 and 9 years old. I explored the local neighbourhood parks and subdivisions in Inverness, completely unsupervised. Visits to the corner store were a daily adventure for me and introduced me to the wonders of rock candy, Commando comics and beef flavoured crisps! Thanks Mom and Dad!
11
I see the result of the helicopter parent in the adult "children" of my friends who are still so closely connected even after graduation from college. Any minor life mishap-a boyfriend break-up, a car breakdown, and the parents come running or flying as the case may be. One friend drove from san Diego to LA to get her daughter's car because her daughter was so stressed out over losing her first boyfriend she thought that she could take the burden of repairing her car off of her. I asked her, '"When will you let your daughter grow up?" Part of growing up is loss and breaking up and car repairs! But no, she wants to feel needed and drive 250 miles round trip to save her daughter. Unbelievable!
Her best friend is even worse. She will fly to new York and Denver to see her twins if they have the slightest life event go awry. What will happen when they marry and have families? Oy! I can only imagine. Will the cycle continue?
perhaps because I was late to technology ('born in '45) I was always outside. I was always riding my bike, exploring, riding the bus alone at 10 years old. We were not afraid. This was the norm in the 50's and 60's. Parents did not worry about every little thing and hover over you. We had a long rope and took advantage of it. I'm grateful for the full and fun childhood I had. We were creative and lively and unafraid. What child today can say that?
Her best friend is even worse. She will fly to new York and Denver to see her twins if they have the slightest life event go awry. What will happen when they marry and have families? Oy! I can only imagine. Will the cycle continue?
perhaps because I was late to technology ('born in '45) I was always outside. I was always riding my bike, exploring, riding the bus alone at 10 years old. We were not afraid. This was the norm in the 50's and 60's. Parents did not worry about every little thing and hover over you. We had a long rope and took advantage of it. I'm grateful for the full and fun childhood I had. We were creative and lively and unafraid. What child today can say that?
8
The comments on this article point out a very interesting quandary. We know that it is much safer for children today than in the recent past, but is that because of societal changes exclusive of parenting, or due to today's hyper-vigilant parenting? Given the decrease in crime overall I would think that the changes go far beyond parenting, which would make the argument for free range parenting much stronger.
3
Thank you Clemens for this thoughtful and knowledgeable essay on the unnatural and harmful tethering of children-only the tether is invisible and too often in skeins so that more than one entity can tug on the reins which deny the child his/her freedom to learn and to grow.
The younger generation thinks that the world is only a scary place-forgetting that if it is, they are responsible for what makes it scary. (But in reality, nothing Is any different now than it was 70 years ago -or more). What is different is that humans cluster in urban areas in their own little artificial spaces and fuel their own fear by artificial means (TV, smartphones, internet, youtube and Hollywood blockbusters all filled with violence and gratuitous intimate relations...)
And if you thought it was free to be you or me here in the US, I am sorry you have been disabused by the reality which is this place in the early 21st century.
Big Brother has been watching us for years, and constitutional rights are stolen daily-because those who are supposed to stand up to say no let themselves be searched and allow others to tell them how to care for their children-while allowing mothers to carry loaded weapons in their handbags so that their very young children can find them -and do great harm.
Skewed priorities and less than creditable information is the destruction of societies ... coupled with undereducated adults and their helicoptered children.
The younger generation thinks that the world is only a scary place-forgetting that if it is, they are responsible for what makes it scary. (But in reality, nothing Is any different now than it was 70 years ago -or more). What is different is that humans cluster in urban areas in their own little artificial spaces and fuel their own fear by artificial means (TV, smartphones, internet, youtube and Hollywood blockbusters all filled with violence and gratuitous intimate relations...)
And if you thought it was free to be you or me here in the US, I am sorry you have been disabused by the reality which is this place in the early 21st century.
Big Brother has been watching us for years, and constitutional rights are stolen daily-because those who are supposed to stand up to say no let themselves be searched and allow others to tell them how to care for their children-while allowing mothers to carry loaded weapons in their handbags so that their very young children can find them -and do great harm.
Skewed priorities and less than creditable information is the destruction of societies ... coupled with undereducated adults and their helicoptered children.
3
When I was a kid, there was never parental supervision in situations like Halloween. Dad was at home, watching TV, waiting to take his share of the grub. In shielding American kids, we have systematically removed the "throw bird from nest" moment that gives kids a sense of independence, ironically setting them up for future failure.
2
Thank you! Great piece,,, it is sad and pathetic that parents are being threatened by authorities for simply allowing children to be children.
3
Letting kids roam the neighborhood is a good idea, except for those living in gang run neighborhoods. Sadly, those living there become prisoners - not just kids, but adults too. They won't work with the police to arrest and jail these bad apples for two reasons.
One, they have been taught to not trust the cops. This lack of trust has many faces, but the primary face is the media these days. The NYTimes will print any and every individual's story of harassment or violent encounter with the police; and writes the story ALWAYS in support of the individual who believes they were abused by the police. If a death results, it is always the cop that is at fault; before even an investigation.
Two, all citizens in the US, regardless of where you live, are barraged by stories of murder, rape, kidnapping, beatings, etc. Daily. Most believe that because of isolated issues, the world is falling apart. Sad really. But again, the media loves to see people in fear. Loves to create a divide. It gives them more power.
The reality is somewhere in between. But I grew up just north of Detroit and at 12 years old would jump on a bus with a friend and go 'downtown.' Detroit was referred to as the murder capital and the time, but I felt safe and my parents didn't worry. How many would let their kid jump on a bus and go 'downtown' today?
One, they have been taught to not trust the cops. This lack of trust has many faces, but the primary face is the media these days. The NYTimes will print any and every individual's story of harassment or violent encounter with the police; and writes the story ALWAYS in support of the individual who believes they were abused by the police. If a death results, it is always the cop that is at fault; before even an investigation.
Two, all citizens in the US, regardless of where you live, are barraged by stories of murder, rape, kidnapping, beatings, etc. Daily. Most believe that because of isolated issues, the world is falling apart. Sad really. But again, the media loves to see people in fear. Loves to create a divide. It gives them more power.
The reality is somewhere in between. But I grew up just north of Detroit and at 12 years old would jump on a bus with a friend and go 'downtown.' Detroit was referred to as the murder capital and the time, but I felt safe and my parents didn't worry. How many would let their kid jump on a bus and go 'downtown' today?
3
When we moved to a new neighborhood in south Minneapolis my son went door to door saying, "Hi! My name is Paul Gleason and I'm new in this neighborhood. Do you have any five-year-olds to play with?" He met several children, but his most remarkable "friends" were John and Kathleen, a couple in their late 70's. He visited them every day. John was a geologist and taught him all about the rocks he was finding on Minnehaha Creek, in front of their house. They came to his sixth birthday party. Kathleen knew my father from northern Minnesota, and I knew their son from the U of Minnesota Law School years before.
When he was 10 we moved to Berlin. He learned the language quickly. He HAD to, so he could make friends in his new neighborhood. He was fearless about that! I was a teacher at the John F. Kennedy School, and the secretary urged me to let him ride the subway by himself. I was in shock! But given his nature, I finally relented. No problem. He never got lost. And soon he was visiting his friends all over the city.
Now 35, he is a freelance artist in Berlin. He has always been extremely resourceful, finding a new apartment, finding work, learning French when he got his degree in art in Paris, keeping in touch with hundreds of friends throughout the world. He is married and the father of a six-year-old daughter. I don't see him quite as willing to let her roam freely. He gives her better advice than I was able to. But freedom at 5 has informed his life.
When he was 10 we moved to Berlin. He learned the language quickly. He HAD to, so he could make friends in his new neighborhood. He was fearless about that! I was a teacher at the John F. Kennedy School, and the secretary urged me to let him ride the subway by himself. I was in shock! But given his nature, I finally relented. No problem. He never got lost. And soon he was visiting his friends all over the city.
Now 35, he is a freelance artist in Berlin. He has always been extremely resourceful, finding a new apartment, finding work, learning French when he got his degree in art in Paris, keeping in touch with hundreds of friends throughout the world. He is married and the father of a six-year-old daughter. I don't see him quite as willing to let her roam freely. He gives her better advice than I was able to. But freedom at 5 has informed his life.
6
I think it all depends on the individual child and where you live. My soon to be 10 yr old is not responsible enough, she is adhd and has comprehension issues. My other daughters are age 7 and autistic my other only 3. None of them can be left outside unsupervised for no more than a few minutes. I live in a trailer park and we have speeders. Also I live in a small town with about 26 sex offenders within a 1 to 3 miles of where I live and yes some of them child sex offenders.
7
I often describe myself as a street kid. I am a woman of mature years, a lawyer and an adjudicator of 20 years. I grew up in Montreal and at 5 I would walk the 3 long blocks to the park alone which required crossing one street. At 6 I walked myself to school - which required crossing several streets. Unless it was raining, I always played outside. It was the norm at the time. Today, I can see what a positive affect this had on the way I lived and approached life.
When I see the over protected over programmed child - I can see their future suffering so clearly. Not being given the opportunity to learn to be self reliant at a young age will only cause a lot of unnecessary suffering when they are confronted with the many challenges life gives us in our maturing process.
When I see the over protected over programmed child - I can see their future suffering so clearly. Not being given the opportunity to learn to be self reliant at a young age will only cause a lot of unnecessary suffering when they are confronted with the many challenges life gives us in our maturing process.
2
People living in bubbles are the very people with children roaming loaded down with tech rather than supervision; believing friendship with their children matters more than good parenting and setting reasonable boundaries and limits. They are also the parents in family therapy by the time their children turn 14, telling the therapist to fix their children, when it's too late and the parents are the ones who really need to be fixed.
I wish we did not live in a dangerous nation, where neighbors cared for each other's children. But common sense tells us We Do Not. Experimenting with reducing parental responsibility in child rearing only leads to confused children and their adult disdain of their parents. And again It Will Be Too Late.
I wish we did not live in a dangerous nation, where neighbors cared for each other's children. But common sense tells us We Do Not. Experimenting with reducing parental responsibility in child rearing only leads to confused children and their adult disdain of their parents. And again It Will Be Too Late.
4
In practice, we've already deleted the last line of our National Anthem. Bravery and freedom brought this nation to greatness; now we are loosing both. Our children cannot learn to be brave without freedom to make mistakes and learn from them, the freedom to face and overcome danger ... just like their great grandparents did earlier in our history. People don't become entrepreneurs without first learning to cope with risks and overcome adversities. All this modern legalism reminds me of the fate of the legalistic religious zealots we can learn about on the Old Testament. The New brought freedom, but like the ancients we demand tight constraints enforced by myriad laws and regulations. Remember that those who refuse to learn from history are destined to repeat it. We must stop this idiocy or relinquish both freedom and greatness.
I think that Germany and modern day America are two entirely different environments. My impression is that Germany has a much more generous social safety net and strong social norms regarding child protection. In many U.S. neighborhoods where both parents work full-time their are children literally being raised by childcare workers. This tends to lead to less cohesive neighborhoods where neighbors often don't know each others names let alone keep a strong watch over the safety of each others children.
I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew each other and mothers stayed at home to devote their talents and energy to the important job of parenting. All the neighborhood kids were allowed free reign to explore and be happy fulfilled children. My mom would ring a bell when it was time to come home for dinner so I knew never to roam too far away that I would be able to hear the bell. No one in my neighborhood was a criminal, drug addict or sexual predator. The elementary school was within walking distance and we even would walk home for lunch.
Maybe some people would consider this a bubble although I believe that this type of idyllic upbringing is possible if adults put children's interests ahead of material greed. Unless I knew the adults and the safety of the neighborhood, I wouldn't allow an innocent child free reign to fall prey to amoral adults. It is naive to believe that the world is free of evil so finding save havens to raise healthy children is a noble goal.
I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew each other and mothers stayed at home to devote their talents and energy to the important job of parenting. All the neighborhood kids were allowed free reign to explore and be happy fulfilled children. My mom would ring a bell when it was time to come home for dinner so I knew never to roam too far away that I would be able to hear the bell. No one in my neighborhood was a criminal, drug addict or sexual predator. The elementary school was within walking distance and we even would walk home for lunch.
Maybe some people would consider this a bubble although I believe that this type of idyllic upbringing is possible if adults put children's interests ahead of material greed. Unless I knew the adults and the safety of the neighborhood, I wouldn't allow an innocent child free reign to fall prey to amoral adults. It is naive to believe that the world is free of evil so finding save havens to raise healthy children is a noble goal.
9
The instances of child abduction have changed very little over the last few decades. What has changed is the instantaneous national reporting of an event.
When Etan Patz disappeared on his way to school in New York City in 1979 it became a national headline. The media learned that child disappearances sold newspapers--even if those newspapers were across the continent. Before the Patz abduction it might have been big news in his NYC neighborhood, but probably not an A1 above the fold story in the daily metropolitan paper--let alone every newspaper and newscast in the nation.
Adam Walsh's disappearance led to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children who put missing children's photos on milk cartons across the nation. Many of those missing children had been abducted by a parent--not by a stranger. Yet, this reinforced that the world was an evil place for children who needed increasing supervision.
Teaching parents and children to fear everything is not good for our culture. Yet, we find ourselves in a society where someone can be charged with child endangerment for letting their children walk to the park independently and neighbors feel like they need to intervene when they see a child learning to be independent.
Children are so rarely abducted by a stranger that we need to stop undermining freedom for a learned sense of independence.
When Etan Patz disappeared on his way to school in New York City in 1979 it became a national headline. The media learned that child disappearances sold newspapers--even if those newspapers were across the continent. Before the Patz abduction it might have been big news in his NYC neighborhood, but probably not an A1 above the fold story in the daily metropolitan paper--let alone every newspaper and newscast in the nation.
Adam Walsh's disappearance led to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children who put missing children's photos on milk cartons across the nation. Many of those missing children had been abducted by a parent--not by a stranger. Yet, this reinforced that the world was an evil place for children who needed increasing supervision.
Teaching parents and children to fear everything is not good for our culture. Yet, we find ourselves in a society where someone can be charged with child endangerment for letting their children walk to the park independently and neighbors feel like they need to intervene when they see a child learning to be independent.
Children are so rarely abducted by a stranger that we need to stop undermining freedom for a learned sense of independence.
6
I was a free range kid. It seems to have saved me from obesity. I have less context for TV and movie references than my peers, though. I also learned a bunch of rules many kids are no longer taught, such as don't stare at predators: they think it's a challenge, don't get between a mother and her cub, watch for stones and roots, and be home before it rains (particularly if there's thunder and lightning). The last is rule I wish my school and PIAA had learned, beginning of my junior year they refused to call a football game despite thunder and lightning. We in the marching band were sitting out there with metal instruments!
3
" The most recent in-depth study found that, in 1999, only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger"
Every year from 2007-2011, an average of 61 children under 14 years old were shot and killed with unsecured firearms, usually legal guns belonging to their own family (see link below). From Dec 2012-Dec 2013 100 children were shot and killed under such circumstances. Two-thirds of these deaths were due to unsecured guns.
Lock up your guns, not your kids.
http://everytown.org/article/innocents-lost/
Every year from 2007-2011, an average of 61 children under 14 years old were shot and killed with unsecured firearms, usually legal guns belonging to their own family (see link below). From Dec 2012-Dec 2013 100 children were shot and killed under such circumstances. Two-thirds of these deaths were due to unsecured guns.
Lock up your guns, not your kids.
http://everytown.org/article/innocents-lost/
9
When my daughter was 12 she was walking home alone (horrors), when a strange man walked up to her and started to talk to her. My husband and I had just told her a day or two before that no single unknown man had any legitimate reason to talk to her. She kept her distance and walked away without responding and told us about it. We congratulated her on doing the right thing and we all learned a lesson.
4
We recently moved back to the U.S. after 30 years in other countries, and I immediately started remarking to my wife and others that all the nice houses, in a variety of neighborhoods, seemed like oversized tombstones since I never saw anyone outside. (We arrived in August.) Mr. Wergin's article may be describing the reason why.
In any case, I guess if your kid goes out these days, s/he will be the only one.
I'm with the many commenters who note how much this differs from the world that 60-somethings knew and who wonder what the impact on society has been and will be.
In any case, I guess if your kid goes out these days, s/he will be the only one.
I'm with the many commenters who note how much this differs from the world that 60-somethings knew and who wonder what the impact on society has been and will be.
5
Good points, but I'm guessing to the families of children who were abducted, and to those children themselves, the "only 115" number feels much more significant. When it comes to abductions, 115 is enormous and should not be downplayed.
6
I will be forever grateful to the Catholic Church, St. Bernadettes, that left the lights on on the baseball field so that we could play hardball till 9pm all summer long, without adult supervision. I lived in a neighborhood with 10 boys in my age group. After supper we all would ride over there.
Lights out, time to bike home.
I taught a cousins kid to drive at 13 by putting him behind the wheel of a farm tractor, putting it in the lowest of it's 16 foreward speeds and letting him loose.
Step children learned to drive in the field in a manual transmission pick up truck. Their friends were amazed when they showed up in a stick shift car, none of them having a clue.
The twenty somethings born in the USA I run into lack experience and judgement. Immigrants know what end is up without looking at the label.
Lights out, time to bike home.
I taught a cousins kid to drive at 13 by putting him behind the wheel of a farm tractor, putting it in the lowest of it's 16 foreward speeds and letting him loose.
Step children learned to drive in the field in a manual transmission pick up truck. Their friends were amazed when they showed up in a stick shift car, none of them having a clue.
The twenty somethings born in the USA I run into lack experience and judgement. Immigrants know what end is up without looking at the label.
3
I grew up in Morocco. By the time I was five years old, I was allowed to walk and buy candies on the street. I loved doing errands for my mom. I made sure I forgot one or two items so I can go back and explore the whole marketplace. I already knew how to handle currency, how much things cost, pay the merchant and returned the change to my mom. I became very streetwise and ventured beyond the boundaries as well. I sometimes went to school through the industrial park area because I loved to the hustle bustle of factories. My baby sisters and I called it the adventure route. I sometimes sneaked inside the factories to see how things were made. I learnt so much just observing people work. I knew how production is done and applied that knowledge in my adult life. People are astonished by the ease with which I solve problems to this day. I never told my of parents where I was. They never showed any concern or anxiety about anything we did. We were free to to roam. It was an accepted social norm. In fact adults, males and females enjoyed seeing us. We also figured out who to talk to amongst them when we were a little scared. Those were the wonder years for us. We became extremely independent and very successful. If you want a victim or a future obedient servant, you keep your children hoarded inside the house. There are far more nice people than the accidental crazy ones. We also learned very quickly to identify them and deal with them by keeping a huge distance between them and us
4
Kids use to amuse themselves with kid games thought up by kids and carried out by kids. There were no bake sales or kids waving cans at strangers and begging for support in front of Walmart for uniforms, trip costs, and new sod for ball fields.
Today, motivated by a trust shattering mix of guilt and fear, a duly constituted Apprehensive Adult Authority Action Committee creates still another program or sports league or play circle. Firm in the knowledge that the devil has plans of chaos for youth with idle hands and inquisitive minds, schedules become the umbrella of protection, supervision the spirit killing blanket of control. And thus childhood is stolen and turned over to twitter, video games and parent ruled games.
Today, motivated by a trust shattering mix of guilt and fear, a duly constituted Apprehensive Adult Authority Action Committee creates still another program or sports league or play circle. Firm in the knowledge that the devil has plans of chaos for youth with idle hands and inquisitive minds, schedules become the umbrella of protection, supervision the spirit killing blanket of control. And thus childhood is stolen and turned over to twitter, video games and parent ruled games.
4
My generation has been the WORST generation in history when it comes to raising children. The wealthier amongst us invented helicopter parenting, play dates, the being-your-child's-best-friend stratagem, and a host of other paranoiac parenting methodologies, all the while spoiling their children into little monsters that no one outside of their nuclear family can stomach. Apparently, many of these parents are the same kind of people who believe that they need to pack heat everywhere they go, just in case someone tries to rob them or, my personal favorite, tries to rape their wife. Yes, Mr. Plumpe, the world can be a very cruel place, but it can also be a very exciting place, chock full of discoveries than children should be permitted to make on their own, without having to be chaperoned by a parent or two. If I had grown up in a parental-isolation bubble like so many children do today, I never would have learned at a very early age that worms, while they are edible, are undoubtedly best consumed only in an emergency situation.
5
I live in a working class to middle class neighborhood in the Bronx where my daughter and her friends ruled the block, and ventured further slowly but surely as she grew older. Only now -- she is a mother herself -- am I learning about some of her youthful adventures. Better that I didn't know at the time.
4
I grew up in the suburbs of a medium-sized deep-south city in the '50's and early '60's. Turned outdoors by our parents, we spent summer days wandering the neighborhood. This was before air-conditioning was common; the heat was a given that we took in stride. We mostly went barefoot and the soles of our feet got so callused that we could walk on hot pavement with no problem. We spent a lot of time in trees. (I remember three -- an oak, a giant magnolia, and a red bud -- with special fondness.) Starting at about age 12, my girlfriend and I would carry a good-sized aluminum canoe to the bayou (a long city block away) and paddle our way (portaging over city streets) to Black Lake. We would tie up and walk along the levee to my cousin's house, have a snack, then walk and paddle back home. The trip took most of the day. The bayou had snakes -- I remember cottonmouths and water moccasins -- but my mother said that "they're more afraid of you than you are of them". I don't remember any serious childhood accidents or mishaps. Those started when we were old enough to drive cars and motorcycles.
5
The most dreadful example of over-supervised parenting I've seen is one of my closest friends who has taken attachment parenting to a twisted extreme. Her kids are aged 11 and 9 and cannot spend five minutes away from their mother, because she simply won't leave them alone if they tell her they don't want her to go.
Since her husband makes no money she recently decided to start working, and tried to put the kids in an 'alternative' school, which they liked for one week: the boy skinned his knee in a normal kid collision on the playground and that was it. He panicked that his mom wasn't there to fix this, and told her he did not want to go back. As always, she conceded, because she feels "the kids know what they need and it's my job to honor that." Both kids stopped going. The huge tuition, a loan from her parents, had to be paid in advance and is gone.
Now she can't work because she must be home with them, and she takes scraps of jobs she can do from the house. They all still sleep in a family bed, the kids still ask to breastfeed (she finally stopped that when they were around 7 years old but they continue to ask!) and are basically destitute. Unsurprisingly, the parents are getting divorced.
The children are totally dysfunctional because of this extreme hovering. They come across years younger than they are. The 9-year-old can't read. Since the school incident they cannot be without their mother even for a moment.
We have turned our children into fetishes.
Since her husband makes no money she recently decided to start working, and tried to put the kids in an 'alternative' school, which they liked for one week: the boy skinned his knee in a normal kid collision on the playground and that was it. He panicked that his mom wasn't there to fix this, and told her he did not want to go back. As always, she conceded, because she feels "the kids know what they need and it's my job to honor that." Both kids stopped going. The huge tuition, a loan from her parents, had to be paid in advance and is gone.
Now she can't work because she must be home with them, and she takes scraps of jobs she can do from the house. They all still sleep in a family bed, the kids still ask to breastfeed (she finally stopped that when they were around 7 years old but they continue to ask!) and are basically destitute. Unsurprisingly, the parents are getting divorced.
The children are totally dysfunctional because of this extreme hovering. They come across years younger than they are. The 9-year-old can't read. Since the school incident they cannot be without their mother even for a moment.
We have turned our children into fetishes.
10
In an era of receding middle class, when having two working parents has become mandatory to maintain decent living standards, Americans will definitely have to revisit "free-range parenting". And not by choice.
2
Did anybody else see the connection between this article and the story about 600 Indians being expelled because of parental help? If you missed it, see:
http://bigstory.ap.org/article/05e55012f5b64c33a365ee8f21bede33/600-indi...
What we have are overly protective parents who need to let children fall down and pick themselves up; parents who let their children fail and then learn to study more diligently.
http://bigstory.ap.org/article/05e55012f5b64c33a365ee8f21bede33/600-indi...
What we have are overly protective parents who need to let children fall down and pick themselves up; parents who let their children fail and then learn to study more diligently.
My brothers and I weren't just free-range, we were downright feral. We would bring home **things** from the wild, Fish, edible plants, sometimes small animals. Mom would cook them up for us. By the time I was 13 I was cooking lunch for my younger brothers, freeing mom up for her back-to-college classes. We kids kind of took care of each other. I will say I learned pretty early on what a chicken hawk is, and how to avoid falling into their clutches. I pity kids today ... someone is always on their case.
2
When we arrived in Paris for a one-week vacation two summers ago, our twins had just turned 12. We stayed at Hôtel Choiseul Opéra on Rue Daunou just off Avenue de Opéra. Every day the kids went to Energy Academy where they spent the day playing sports and speaking a little French. During the evenings the four of us went out to dinner and strolled around Paris. One night my wife was ready for Italian food so the four of us walked over to Boulevard des Italiens, sat outside, and ate dinner. Before my wife and I had finished our dinner, the twins were finished. On one of our previous evening walks, they had seen a gelato shop on Avenue de Opéra and decided that they wanted to go there for dessert. My wife and I were ready for a little more pasta, a little more wine, and a little tiramisu. After a brief, thoughtful pause, my wife looked at me and I looked at her. I pulled out my phone and handed the hotel keys and the phone to our twins. I said, “Watch out for cars when you cross streets and call us if you get lost”. They walked a half a block back along Boulevard des Italiens toward L’Opéra. When they arrived at the first intersection, they waved to us, turned left down the side street that let in the general direction of the gelato shop, and walked off into Paris. About 45 minutes later, our twins called us from the hotel room. They had successfully navigated from the restaurant to the shop and then to the hotel. Life doesn’t have to be scary. Get outside and take a walk.
4
When I was a boy! (Chorus: "When George was a boy.") my father, knowing it would toughen my brothers and I, would dump snow in front of our log cabin in San Francisco, then create a path of snow on the sidewalk for the mile we trudged to school. We had to dig out of the cabin then struggle through knee deep snow -- all so we could later tell our kids how tough it was then and how easy they have it. They are both amazed and touchingly grateful to hear my stories from the old days.
I don't let them out of my sight.
I don't let them out of my sight.
2
It is the job of parents to protect their children. This day and age, everything is online. When you hear about the horrible things happening in the world, isn't it natural to want to protect your kids? Just a few blocks away from my house, recently, a man has tried to kidnap a teenage girl. This same man attempted a kidnapping twice within days of each other. Out of common sense, shouldn't the parents in the area be protecting their kids? He hasn't been caught yet. Hopefully he doesn't hurt an innocent child / teenager before he does get caught. This act is common in many middle-class areas. Look at the bigger picture of things and what is going on in this society. Things aren't how they used to be. Years before you could be more trusting, but now there are reasons not to be.
4
I don't disagree with this article, though much of it has been said before. But the idea that Germans are somehow more free-range-minded than Americans is funny to me. My parents moved to the U.S. from Germany in 1975 but free-range is the last adjective I'd use for my childhood. I was never allowed to play outside on my own, and only rarely allowed to play with friends outside. My parents bought me a bicycle but then - literally - would not let me leave the driveway. Another time, when I was 10, I met with two neighborhood girls and wandered into the creek area very close to our backyard - my mother found me and made me come back home. Zealous overprotection knows no national boundaries!
4
I appreciate the article's notice of the role draconian policing plays in preventing parents from allowing children to exercise perfectly safe, developmentally appropriate autonomy. Are there any groups that lobby state governments on this topic? I would be very eager to lend it support.
5
In theory, I have always been a proponent of the kind of freedoms I had as a kid. I roamed around downtown Chicago when I was 9, taking public transportation to and from school by myself. I even managed to get into a somewhat risque movie at age 9 with a friend, no harm nor foul. But then I had kids. And my imagination went into overdrive. I became very good at writing my own CNN headlines about my own children - "Children fall over board while sailing with father in Lake Michigan" or "Boy, 8, left alone while mother gets the mail, is abducted by intruder." I imagined many different awful scenarios. But I also saw the consequences: my kids weren't as confident in themselves out in the world as I had been at their ages. And so I forced myself to stop. I said 'yes' to letting my daughter ride her bike to school across town and through a crowded university at age 10. I stopped asking my son about his every move (as a middle schooler heading into high school) when he wasn't in my sights. You have to let them move forward and out into the world by themselves.
5
One case, the disappearance of Etan Patz, caused Americans to change the way they raise their children. It is a testament to mass hysteria induced by endless media attention to the most tragic events in a child's life no matter how remote of the incident reoccurring. Add to that the pandering politicians who are quick to pass laws to protect children by restricting a parent's freedom. Then there is the encouragement of lawsuits that induce manufacturers to abandon the production of familiar play equipment and the mandated use of helmets, knee pads, elbow pads and the ubiquitous seat belt even in a stroller. Is there no wonder children become couch potatoes.
1
My. how the attitudes have changed from the time I was a child in Chicago. At age 9, I took a bus, transferring buses twice to ride to my school which was over three miles from home and then from the time I was 11 till 14, traveled over 5 miles to school transferring buses once to ride to school and again coming home. We neighborhood children played out on the streets from the time we got home from school till called in for supper and then after supper till dark.
1
We need only convince the Republicans in Congress and state legislatures that a nanny childhood is a pernicious attempt to indoctrinate children into accepting a nanny state and there will be a groundswell to to criminalize helicopter parenting.
4
The problem with the author's approach is that his children will be completely unprepared for life on many American campuses.
Exactly how is being able to cope with anything that may come up being unprepared?
2
as a french citizen now living in the United States, I can tell you this : in cities like Paris, from age 13 ou less, children eventually ride a bus or go to the park for a few hours. but it's still a minority. in small villages, they enjoy the same childhood I personally had in Provence, 30 years ago - once my homework done, i would take my bycicle, and ride in the countryside, or to a park, or to my friends' house. we would run around in the pinewoods in the summer, go to the beach alone with some other 10 kids under 15. nothing ever happened. but for there's many reasons, not just fear, that now prevents us from doing the same with my twins who are now 15 years old. 1-there was no drugs where I was 2-there were less crazy drivers 3-statistically there were a lot less abductions and rapes 4- america is a more dangerous place than europe (10 times more murders than in Europe) 5- what about HOMEWORK? there's so much time spent on this that the sun has set and it's time for diner when they finish. How about that? 6- "playing" for us meant to "be" outdoors, which cannot compeet now with the virtual thrill of being a soccer champion on a screen. A few hours a day, we were groups of children, playing, interacting. We were little "savages", which I believe is so much better than being such civilized and locked up kids... Suzanne
2
As a free range kid (and a chubby, science loving girl), I was teased endlessly on the playground. Teachers didn't intervene, there were no discussion groups about it being inappropriate. It was part of growing up. My parents taught me that the kids who were unkind were simply unhappy and I should ignore their insults. Today it's called bullying and is a topic of great distress, with volumes written about how to handle it. Teens and adolescents commit suicide over mean social media posts. Once in college, freshman woman are lured into sexual assaults because they don't understand the consequences of alcohol soaked parties. Constant monitoring to keep your kids from harm doesn't seem to be working. Once you cut them loose, which you must eventually, they lack the skills to protect themselves. Discernment, the ability to listen to your gut about what's dangerous, is a skill that should be learned early in life.
Perhaps Billy Joel's lyrics say it best "Lost a lot of fights, but it taught me how to lose OK".
Perhaps Billy Joel's lyrics say it best "Lost a lot of fights, but it taught me how to lose OK".
3
If you thought you were coming to the "home of the free," it's obvious that you hadn't done your home work.
1
Excellent article. I lived in Germany as a child and when I was 8 I spent my afternoons in the park with my friend, rode my bike everywhere, and took the subway with my 11-year-old sister, and eventually alone.
One day, I felt like a man was following me. I went into a crowded store, told the owner, and she called my mother, who picked me up. Had she not been home I had phone numbers for friends and neighbors. I had my wits about me, and that was all it took for my parents to be comfortable. Now, with cel phones, it should be a no-brainer. Plus, crime is at a 50-year-low.
We are raising a generation of overly coddled kids who think they are the center of the universe and wait for others to cater to their needs.
One day, I felt like a man was following me. I went into a crowded store, told the owner, and she called my mother, who picked me up. Had she not been home I had phone numbers for friends and neighbors. I had my wits about me, and that was all it took for my parents to be comfortable. Now, with cel phones, it should be a no-brainer. Plus, crime is at a 50-year-low.
We are raising a generation of overly coddled kids who think they are the center of the universe and wait for others to cater to their needs.
5
I am raising my children in a city that borders on a population of almost 1 million people. Both of my children (ages 10 and 13) walk home from school, go to several parks in the neighborhood unsupervised, ride their bikes and skateboards around the neighborhood, and go to friend's houses. My oldest walks to a movie theater on the weekends and watches movies with her friends without any adults present. She hangs out at the mall after school. The only rule we have -- and it's a rule that wasn't possible when I was their age -- is that they keep their cell phones on them and turned on. Strangely enough, this freedom has allowed them to grow in other areas as well. Not to long ago, my youngest had $20 from his birthday and he wanted to buy a toy with it that was something like $15. At the register, he turned to me, very concerned, and said he only had the $20. Now he goes to the nearby gas station almost daily and buys a treat with his allowance -- no more confusion. Do I worry? Of course, because bad things DO happen. But I also worry about my chute not opening when I go skydiving. I worry about sharks when I'm at the beach surfing. Despite all this worry though, there are a lot of things that are more likely to cause injury or death and I'm not going to spend the energy worrying about things that COULD happen, but probably won't.
2
Yes indeed, the land of the free... as long as you obey the 134,000 rules and regulations. Other than that, we are 100% free.
2
Protective is not necessarily overprotective. And laxity is not necessarily neglect. That said, there does seem to be too many organized, structured, scheduled, supervised activities for kids these days. When I was a small town Wisconsin kid in the middle of the last Century, we pretty much roamed on our own all summer except for being home at mealtime and bedtime (which was earlier because of no DST) -- but there was a mom at home in almost every house. She may not have been dutifully paying attention to the kids outside, but she was there. And we kids knew that. If there was too much racket, a mom or two would look out to what was the matter. If someone was bleeding or unable to walk, she would come out and assess the situation from an adult perspective. Don't know if totally unattended kids these days have and feel that kind of adult presence and certainty. Times have changed.
3
Being an immigrant myself, I totally agree with your view of the problem. When I came to the U.S. seventeen years ago I didn't have any children. One of the first impression I got when I arrived to Florida was the way the towns are structured: there is no towncenter, no large sidewalks along the roads, no public transportation, and as a result no people outside. The lack of neighborhood playgrounds and an enormous amount of cars driving everywhere explains why parents are afraid to let their kids play outside or simply roam around. This fact also explains the reason why a kid can be easily abducted on the street. It feels insane to me to drive my kids everywhere instead of letting them taking a bus or a tram. Unfortunately, nowadays many things are driven by profits and not what is right !
3
I am of a generation when many children were abducted from their neighborhoods, schools and play grounds. I recall the horror of the 80's when over 13 boys were kidnapped in Atlanta, to be discovered buried underneath a strangers house. Let's not forget the recent accounts of child abductions in Ohio, where three young ladies were held for over 10 years!
There are many more than 115 abductions a year, a lot of them are unsolved disappearances. So to cite some random stat without any supporting documentation is pointless as it has no basis for fact based reporting. As a developmental psychologist, I do agree with statements around motor and emotional development being stunted when children are not allowed to play outside with other children. It is important overall but not at the expense of their freedom, mental or physical health or life. The world has become a horror filled place with many children who were abused becoming abusers, it's a cycle, until we can prevent it and do a better job at treating it and other "mental disorders", a "free" anything is gone because the time of a "civil and just society" has gone.
There are many more than 115 abductions a year, a lot of them are unsolved disappearances. So to cite some random stat without any supporting documentation is pointless as it has no basis for fact based reporting. As a developmental psychologist, I do agree with statements around motor and emotional development being stunted when children are not allowed to play outside with other children. It is important overall but not at the expense of their freedom, mental or physical health or life. The world has become a horror filled place with many children who were abused becoming abusers, it's a cycle, until we can prevent it and do a better job at treating it and other "mental disorders", a "free" anything is gone because the time of a "civil and just society" has gone.
2
It's not a random stat -- it's a documented figure within a much more comprehensive multi-year study. But in a general sense you're right, there are more abductions per year. However, the meaning of "abduction" is important: 115 is the figure for the very rare case of kidnapping by a stranger. 99% of "abductions" are connected with custody issues and the abductor is known to the child.
4
You just pointlessly cited " a random stat without any supporting documentation"...
1
In fifth and sixth grade I had a paper route in my neighborhood with about 100 subscribers. I woke before dawn every Thursday morning and delivered the paper, then collected door-to-door every month. I never had a problem with neighbors or strangers. I doubt that paper route would be allowed in modern America. Social trust has eroded too far.
What has gone wrong in part is the family court system and the sensationalized language they use. Child Protective Services (part of family court) listens to any accusation from a nosy neighbor, a disgruntled laborer, a concerned counselor and performs an investigation on the accused. A determination is made as to the credibility and severity of the accusation and a report is then filed – the documentation process begins. The system is quick to label anyone who falls into their broad and unjust definitions as “negligent”. Furthermore, if evidence of unwanted contact between family members is found- including corporal punishment- it is labeled “violence” and anyone engaged in such acts is an “abuser” while their counterpart is a “survivor”. What was once the extreme language of life and death struggles is now commonplace in the American family. Rather than solve problems, this skewed system stirs up trouble and drives wedges between neighbors and family memebers.
What has happened to the family court system in the US?
What has gone wrong in part is the family court system and the sensationalized language they use. Child Protective Services (part of family court) listens to any accusation from a nosy neighbor, a disgruntled laborer, a concerned counselor and performs an investigation on the accused. A determination is made as to the credibility and severity of the accusation and a report is then filed – the documentation process begins. The system is quick to label anyone who falls into their broad and unjust definitions as “negligent”. Furthermore, if evidence of unwanted contact between family members is found- including corporal punishment- it is labeled “violence” and anyone engaged in such acts is an “abuser” while their counterpart is a “survivor”. What was once the extreme language of life and death struggles is now commonplace in the American family. Rather than solve problems, this skewed system stirs up trouble and drives wedges between neighbors and family memebers.
What has happened to the family court system in the US?
2
I was born in 1948. I remember going to downtown Denver with my friend on the bus, we would roam around all day. We road our bicycles all over the state by the time I was 12. My brother and I swam a mile off shore in San Clemente Ca. with a stranger an older woman when we were 9 and 11. I had climbed a substantial number of the 54 14,000 ft peaks in Colorado with my friends, no parents, by the time I was 16. I used to hitch hike to the Tetons in Wyoming with my friends starting when I was 14. This is what we did.
3
There's no one size fits all. I think the extent to which you can raise a "free range" child depends on where you live. Witness the comments in this article by people who grew up in large urban areas like NYC. But there's a big difference between, say, taking public transit to school in NYC and freely playing in the street or park of your typical suburban neighborhood. The latter isn't risk free, either, but I think the potential benefits outweigh the risks.
I am eternally grateful of the freedom and independence my parents gave me. I was only child and my mother couldn't have more children, so it was a conscious and painful thing for my parents not to clutch me close, but they set me free anyway, for MY sake. It is probably the greatest gift they could possibly have given me.
I have several friends who now have college age children who are helpless, dependent, and frightened instead of excited about going forth into the world. They all grew up coddled, protected, constantly warned it's dangerous out there. Please don't do that to your children. Help them be people, not just well-loved extensions of yourself.
I am eternally grateful of the freedom and independence my parents gave me. I was only child and my mother couldn't have more children, so it was a conscious and painful thing for my parents not to clutch me close, but they set me free anyway, for MY sake. It is probably the greatest gift they could possibly have given me.
I have several friends who now have college age children who are helpless, dependent, and frightened instead of excited about going forth into the world. They all grew up coddled, protected, constantly warned it's dangerous out there. Please don't do that to your children. Help them be people, not just well-loved extensions of yourself.
3
Pls see review of kidnapping stats from WP's Glenn Kessler:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/wp/2015/03/17/58000-chi...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/wp/2015/03/17/58000-chi...
1
I came into parenting at a late age, but came from a childhood where I did roam quite freely and at an early age took public transportation as well. My sister took a train by herself from the Bronx to Brooklyn to take piano lessons, and knew that if she told my parents that there had been an inappropriate incident once on that subway train, she would have lost this freedom, and she chose not to speak, instead figured out what to do, to be on her guard. It did not happen again. I had problems with this raising my own daughter, and did a mix, it was impossible to give her the freedom I had enjoyed, it is literally not allowed, it is considered neglect, abuse, etc. but I did not want to hover, and found some happy medium so that she would have some independence. But that was difficult to manage, because most parents did not allow that and all children were highly supervised and involved in very structured activities, free play with friends unemcumbered by adults, was hard to come by in the NYC suburbs.
2
I am not afraid of allowing my kids to free range. What scares me is getting thrown in jail for child neglect. The author is correct that a true neighborhood, where residents actually know each other, would allow safer free-ranging. The converse is also true: allowing free ranging kids to interact with other kids helps to form a more cohesive neighborhood -- "Who were you playing with, son? That's Tim who lives down the street. Really, well I will introduce myself to his parents when I see them...."
3
Must the choice be between two extremes: free-range parenting or helicopter parenting. Parents should allow their children to develop interpersonal and coping skills but not allow them to roam free at age eight. On the other hand, parents should not fix every problem for their offspring until well into their twenties, never allowing them to deal with adversity and become competent adults. Perhaps free-range parenting has come about in reaction to the helicopter parenting that has reached its zenith with parents interfering in job interviews for their precious children. These young people expect praise for the slightest effort and have no concept of working to achieve goals. On the other hand, allowing an eight-year-old to roam a city alone is irresponsible. People, use your common sense and find a moderate approach between these two extremes.
6
So do you keep them fenced until they go away to college?
We started sending our kid across country by air to visit cousins when they were 10 or so. Admittedly with airline escort. By Junior High they flew to summer music school alone and could quite confidently navigate an airport. In college they did a semester abroad flying alone to Bangkok through Tokyo - no problem.
You have to let them grow up.
We started sending our kid across country by air to visit cousins when they were 10 or so. Admittedly with airline escort. By Junior High they flew to summer music school alone and could quite confidently navigate an airport. In college they did a semester abroad flying alone to Bangkok through Tokyo - no problem.
You have to let them grow up.
3
Like some here who grew up in NYC, and experienced difficulties--ranging from being robbed to being punched to being sexually assaulted--I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, given freedom to roam, and experienced much of the same (with the exception of being robbed).
Despite these events, I do not believe that the best response is to "lock a kid up"--not then, and not now.
How can this be?
As a kid, it never occurred to me that the way to deal with danger was to stay home. I didn't even tell my parents what had happened to me. Somehow, I assimilated the events and learned from them (avoid those boys; don't let a guy walk that close to me; keep my bag under my arm, etc).
If someone had said we should stay home, I would have said she was nuts.
Moving about our world, exploring it and testing it was natural, not questioned, and not going to end. Indeed, with every passing few months, boundaries were pushed and expanded.
In this respect childhood bears a surprising similarity to my world today. I have recently been on the receiving end of completely inappropriate (some would say "actionable") behaviors by men that took me, given my age, location, and status, by surprise.
My response has not been to "stay at home", but, as always, to learn, confront if appropriate, and go on.
Children are not adults. But our role is to not shield them from the world, but to aid and assist them in learning how to navigate it--with street sense, confidence, and joy.
Despite these events, I do not believe that the best response is to "lock a kid up"--not then, and not now.
How can this be?
As a kid, it never occurred to me that the way to deal with danger was to stay home. I didn't even tell my parents what had happened to me. Somehow, I assimilated the events and learned from them (avoid those boys; don't let a guy walk that close to me; keep my bag under my arm, etc).
If someone had said we should stay home, I would have said she was nuts.
Moving about our world, exploring it and testing it was natural, not questioned, and not going to end. Indeed, with every passing few months, boundaries were pushed and expanded.
In this respect childhood bears a surprising similarity to my world today. I have recently been on the receiving end of completely inappropriate (some would say "actionable") behaviors by men that took me, given my age, location, and status, by surprise.
My response has not been to "stay at home", but, as always, to learn, confront if appropriate, and go on.
Children are not adults. But our role is to not shield them from the world, but to aid and assist them in learning how to navigate it--with street sense, confidence, and joy.
4
Is it fair to point out that many of the same parents who won't allow their children out of their sight seem to have absolutely no fear of polio, whooping cough or measles?
8
How old were your daughters when they explored that park? You have omitted this crucial information?
I notice from watching HGTV that parents not only want to be able to keep their children penned up in backyards but also want "open floor plans" to be able to watch them all the time inside the house also. I have a theory that the reason so many kids spend so much time texting their friends is it is the only time they aren't constantly watched by adults. Yes there are dangers out here, but unless children have some autonomy and time away from their parents and other adults, both indoors and outdoors, they will never learn how to access the dangers.
4
I have been a college advisor for almost 30 years and can tell you that incoming college students have become more and more dependent on everything their parents tell them. It is sad that I see fewer students who can express their dreams and goals in life without checking with mommy or daddy. They have been reared for dependence, not independence and I think it does not bode well for their future. Every year, I get phone calls from parents whose children moved back home and still cannot find a job. They (the parents, of course) are asking about graduate study for their child, as if that will correct a lifetime of dependency. I think the term "free-range parenting" needs to be changed to "NORMAL parenting."
8
I knew a college professor who won a two-year grant to do research in Japan and went their with his wife and two children. When it came time to return to the States, the children didn't want to leave. Why? In Japan, despite the demanding school system, they had the freedom to go where they wanted on foot or by bicycle or public transport. In suburban America, they couldn't go anywhere unless an adult drove them.
If I had had children, I would have raised them either in a large city or in a walkable small town. The typical car-oriented suburb is one of the worst places to raise children these days, since it forces them into constant dependence on adults.
If I had had children, I would have raised them either in a large city or in a walkable small town. The typical car-oriented suburb is one of the worst places to raise children these days, since it forces them into constant dependence on adults.
3
Thought-provoking article and spot on. Despite the terror the idea inspires in me, I'm going to think of ways I can increase my child's independence. The step-by-step approach will be for me as well as for him.
1
Be careful of statistics. They say nothing about cause-and-effect
relationships. Do we actually know whether or not careful parents are reducing the crime rate by reducing the potential for abductions, or whether a reduced-crime environment makes abductions specifically less likely? [No, we don't.]
Nor do we actually have any information on "near misses". How many times has a free-roamer been invited to enter a stranger's car, been told by an adult to "come look at this, you'll be amazed", been offered food or drink with no control over substances involved, or been teasingly menaced by larger, stronger persons or groups of persons, but not attacked?
In my free-roaming days at the ages of 8-10 in the Bronx, walking extensively after school or riding the els and subways alone, one or more of these things happened about once in three outings. The experience certainly made me feel as if I were more self-reliant, but I now suspect I was just very lucky.
In the 1950's, in every neighborhood in New York City, residents spent plenty of time outdoors. Everybody knew who lived in the apartment clusters around the major streets, and many responsible adults sat outdoors in good weather and, without having to appear over-zealous, would keep an eye out for the local kids.
Today, it's not just kids who sit rapt in their electronics and "smart" toys, and a lot of adults don't know who their neighbors are. The world is different. Best of luck to the Wergin family.
relationships. Do we actually know whether or not careful parents are reducing the crime rate by reducing the potential for abductions, or whether a reduced-crime environment makes abductions specifically less likely? [No, we don't.]
Nor do we actually have any information on "near misses". How many times has a free-roamer been invited to enter a stranger's car, been told by an adult to "come look at this, you'll be amazed", been offered food or drink with no control over substances involved, or been teasingly menaced by larger, stronger persons or groups of persons, but not attacked?
In my free-roaming days at the ages of 8-10 in the Bronx, walking extensively after school or riding the els and subways alone, one or more of these things happened about once in three outings. The experience certainly made me feel as if I were more self-reliant, but I now suspect I was just very lucky.
In the 1950's, in every neighborhood in New York City, residents spent plenty of time outdoors. Everybody knew who lived in the apartment clusters around the major streets, and many responsible adults sat outdoors in good weather and, without having to appear over-zealous, would keep an eye out for the local kids.
Today, it's not just kids who sit rapt in their electronics and "smart" toys, and a lot of adults don't know who their neighbors are. The world is different. Best of luck to the Wergin family.
4
My biggest concern as a parent was the number of privately owned guns. I was less afraid of a child molester/abduction but did always make sure that if my son went over to a friend's home, the parents did not own a gun. That is a very real, and very American problem. And I believe it is a danger to children, much more serious than an abduction, whose likelihood is miniscule.
5
I grew up in a small town of 600 in southwestern Wisconsin, and because we children could enjoy being outside without adults hovering above our every movement, we learned to love nature. With 7 kids, there was no way my mother could watch every one of us at all times although she did insist on knowing where we were going if we left the house or yard. We didn't have a TV. All the electronic gadgets kids have today hadn't been invented. We walked 3 blocks to school, scuffing in the fall leaves in October, wading through snow in the winter, taking in the perfume of spring in April and May. On Sunday afternoons we would roam up into the hills and explore "caves" on the northside hills that overlooked the winding, muddy Kickapoo River or walk the railroad tracks several miles to the next town. If it rained, we became little engineers by the roadside in front of our home, making dams from the sand that washed down from the hill. In the summer we played pick-up softball in the park a block away from home where the entire makeshift diamond was ungroomed grass. No adults there either. What I worry about besides kids failing to learn how to be their own person without the constant intervention of a parent is the "extinction of experience" with nature: kids scared to death of touching dirt, frightened of squirrels or deer, kids who at 10 years of age have never made a snowball and think that every native spider, insect, and bat needs to be exterminated.
3
The rate of stranger child abduction has not dropped over the decades. It was extremely rare when I was a child in the sixities, and it's extremely rare now.
More children have died in plane and car crashes than from stranger abduction, yet children still fly and aredriven around more than ever. It really is more about managing parent anxiety than the safety of their children.
More children have died in plane and car crashes than from stranger abduction, yet children still fly and aredriven around more than ever. It really is more about managing parent anxiety than the safety of their children.
6
i live between mexico and belgium. i have to sons 9 and 10 and would not let either one go alone to the corner store in either country. i try to compensate for this sheltered life by traveling and camping with them as much as i can that way they can broaden their horizons without having the fear of some panelled van abducting them and keeping them in a dungeon for internet child porn.
1
I am in 100% agreement with this article. I raise my kids in the heart of a major urban area, and they roam free to the parks, museums, school, shops and friends' houses. They are ages 12 and 7. All my friends in the suburbs have the opposite experience for their kids. My suburban friends wouldn't dream of such freedom for their kids. Inside our home, there are no video games, no cable tv, but lots of art supplies. I wouldn't have it any other way. I wasn't allowed to sit in my room all the time as a child, and neither are my kids. Boredom is golden for kids' brains, because out of boredom springs wildly creative ideas. Fearful parents need to weigh the microscopic risk in and authentic free childhood against the absolute certainty of adult depression resulting from a sheltered digital/virtual childhood.
3
If you liked this opinion piece, you also might like this one http://time.com/3720541/how-to-parent-like-a-german/ How to Parent Like a German. It explores further differences in cultural perceptions of what types of "risks" it is acceptable to expose children to. If you live in the DC metro area, and believe in fostering independence in your children, take a closer look at the German School Washington www.dswashington.org. It promotes this type of learning environment. We have two children there and love it!
1
I live in a large planned development - all residential. It has parks, playgrounds, walking and bicycle paths, sidewalks along ever street and bicycle lanes on streets.
Over the past 35 years kids 'disappeared.' There are major traffic jams around every elementary and middle school at the start and end of each school day. It is not because gasoline got cheaper, or many households are two working parents (with a least two cars).
The biggest hazard? The driving abilities and (lack of) courtesies for all these adults 'disappeared' too. Helicopter parents? No. Kamikaze parents. Now, I do not feel safe outside, as a walking adult. Having children has rendered these parents a new kind of 'pedestrian.'
Over the past 35 years kids 'disappeared.' There are major traffic jams around every elementary and middle school at the start and end of each school day. It is not because gasoline got cheaper, or many households are two working parents (with a least two cars).
The biggest hazard? The driving abilities and (lack of) courtesies for all these adults 'disappeared' too. Helicopter parents? No. Kamikaze parents. Now, I do not feel safe outside, as a walking adult. Having children has rendered these parents a new kind of 'pedestrian.'
I had an upbringing that all simple-minded folks with "good intent" would insist would make me evil hateful and dangerous in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
Without going too deeply into nature/nurture I am good because I am good. But developmentally I think that an awful lot of the reason I am not nasty angry and lashing out at the world like so many from similar circumstances is the fact that I got to be in the world on my own regularly and met people of all types on my own.
From that I learned that my particular "home" circumstances were not what the whole world was like and that to an extent as a stranger I was allowed into the circles of normalcy on my own. I had insecurities, which were and still are misread but I never once thought I was less than anyone else, though I have felt it until I figured out why. I credit being allowed to face the world on my own as a child for that.
I learned that there were people who had never had the issues that cause my life to be what it is and knew better ways that made for a more perfect life.
Being able to see and know other ways were open to me kept me from sinking into despair because I knew "it" the knowledge of how to be and know, is out there to be found. I only had to find a way to get at it. And I have to some extent achieved that in life.
Without going too deeply into nature/nurture I am good because I am good. But developmentally I think that an awful lot of the reason I am not nasty angry and lashing out at the world like so many from similar circumstances is the fact that I got to be in the world on my own regularly and met people of all types on my own.
From that I learned that my particular "home" circumstances were not what the whole world was like and that to an extent as a stranger I was allowed into the circles of normalcy on my own. I had insecurities, which were and still are misread but I never once thought I was less than anyone else, though I have felt it until I figured out why. I credit being allowed to face the world on my own as a child for that.
I learned that there were people who had never had the issues that cause my life to be what it is and knew better ways that made for a more perfect life.
Being able to see and know other ways were open to me kept me from sinking into despair because I knew "it" the knowledge of how to be and know, is out there to be found. I only had to find a way to get at it. And I have to some extent achieved that in life.
1
Sadly, this country has not been the land of the free for a long time.
2
A few years ago on a trip to Ecuador, we were in the Amazonian jungle walking up a trail, when two kids (both had to be under seven) greeted us. I couldn't see a house anywhere near, but in the jungle it could have been near and not visible. Our guide could speak their language, but we were tied to Spanish or English, so the interchange didn't go far. But what struck me was just how open they were, looking straight in our eyes, smiling, welcoming, expecting nothing and fearing nothing. It occurred to me they saw us as big children sharing their playground.
We had other shared experiences with the indigenous people, including a big New Years Eve party of dancing that was dominated and to some extent even orchestrated by the children, none of whom seemed to have any sense of the word "stranger." After all, their parents had invited the strangers.
I haven't shared much about this trip back home because, to be honest, most of my friends and relatives think I was crazy to be trekking through the jungle. If I told them there were children wandering around on their own, they would be horrified.
I thought those two children were the luckiest I had seen in years. Our guide, a 21 year-old from the same area, was now one of the most accomplished young men I had ever met ----- speaking Spanish and English fluently and filled with knowledge of the natural world, from his academic studies and his childhood experience.
We had other shared experiences with the indigenous people, including a big New Years Eve party of dancing that was dominated and to some extent even orchestrated by the children, none of whom seemed to have any sense of the word "stranger." After all, their parents had invited the strangers.
I haven't shared much about this trip back home because, to be honest, most of my friends and relatives think I was crazy to be trekking through the jungle. If I told them there were children wandering around on their own, they would be horrified.
I thought those two children were the luckiest I had seen in years. Our guide, a 21 year-old from the same area, was now one of the most accomplished young men I had ever met ----- speaking Spanish and English fluently and filled with knowledge of the natural world, from his academic studies and his childhood experience.
1
You could be describing children any town in NJ during the 70's as well.
As a 52 year old father of 3 boys, I've often felt exactly the same as the author of this piece, and if I were brought back in time and given the choice of which childhood to lead, I would choose the free and independent one I was brought up in without hesitation. It's seems clear to me that one of the captivations of video gaming is the chance to escape, at least mentally if not physically, outside the walls of Mom and Dad's house for adventure. The best balance probably lies somewhere between today's overzealous carefulness, and the absolute freedom those of my generation experienced.
1
You can only let kids roam free when you have enough money to have enclosed them in safety. They are not really "roaming free"; it just appears so to them because their parents are not accompanying them every minute. However, safe parks and clean streets with sidewalks, with police nearby to investigate the trawlers, after school and Saturday sports and enrichment programs, open libraries, and even backyards are safe enclosures. In fact, in many wealthier, well-run places, it's probably more dangerous on the internet than in the immediate neighborhood. I did roam more freely as a kid in both NYC and in the suburbs, which my parents assumed were completely safe, due to the presence of trees (not that I'd ever be allowed to go to any NYC park after dark), and got in some scary situations as a both a child and a young teenager. I learned how to negotiate, trust my instincts, avoid similar situations, and run. There are pedophiles and exhibitionists that prey on children alone, and even if you don't get killed or physically hurt, these experiences wound a young person's confidence and create distrust of men and authority. Unless you're raising your child to be a survivalist, they don't need to roam "free". They need experiences that build independence, cooperation, friendship, trust, and good judgment.
5
The Boomers invented the perversion we call "helicopter parenting." Yet another mistake our culture has to thank them for. Sure, "the world is a more dangerous place," although actual crime statistics are, in fact, radically FALLING, not rising in most of America. "Helicopter parenting" comes not just from wanting the kids to be safe, but wanting these extensions of parents' narcissistic egos to be perfect. "Safety" is a matter of protecting kids as is they were precious possessions we have to watch every minute, lest they be marred. It goes with agonizing about their grades, their soccer performances, their looks, the whole nine yards of how they reflect on the most important person in the equation, "ME" the parent. No wonder that kids literally invented extreme sports to revolt against the perverse obsession with safety afflicting so many Boomer parents.
2
Parents in America become over protective in other ways. A friend told me, of her daughter's preparations for going off to college, "I need to pack for her. She doesn't know how to pick out her own clothes." I took a friend and her 9-year-old daughter out for a birthday celebration and was horrified to learn that the mother was still cutting this third grader's meat. I know a mother who calls her daughter at college to check up on her homework.
I believe parental resistance to letting children navigate the world on their own has to do with more than the (wrongly) perceived threats of crime. Many parents, for whatever reason, do not clearly understand that they and their child are two separate people. Parents often blend their lives with their child's so tightly that they subjugate the child, blunting their overall growth. Why aren't we afraid of that?
I believe parental resistance to letting children navigate the world on their own has to do with more than the (wrongly) perceived threats of crime. Many parents, for whatever reason, do not clearly understand that they and their child are two separate people. Parents often blend their lives with their child's so tightly that they subjugate the child, blunting their overall growth. Why aren't we afraid of that?
4
In my day children walked many blocks to school....nowadays I see parents driving them down the driveway to get the bus. I babysat at age 12. Now parents are arrested for not hovering over their 12-year-old. I wonder what today's kids will be like when they grow up. If they're permitted to do so.
4
Actually, this has nothing to do with protecting children - this is nothing more than the narcissism of the present generation of parents. As a woman, I am sorry to say that this is a trend often promulgated by women, especially women who believed they would have successful careers, only to find that they were treated only slightly better than women in previous generations. Given the reality of the workforce, many women chose to drop out and pour all of their energies into parenting as a way of giving their lives meaning. I hate to see what these women are going to do once their children have moved out. Where will they get their identity then?
Every psychologist of note has come out against the smothering parenting style presently practiced by American parents today, yet still the trend persists. Why? Because American parents aren't really thinking about their kids - they're thinking about themselves.
Every psychologist of note has come out against the smothering parenting style presently practiced by American parents today, yet still the trend persists. Why? Because American parents aren't really thinking about their kids - they're thinking about themselves.
8
This is a classic no-absolute-one-way-or-another type issue, of which raising children is full. Saying that the actual risk of something unthinkable happening to a child while outside unsupervised is very small is even smaller consolation when the child it happens to is yours.
When I was little I was allowed to roam farther afield than my older sisters--one of whom had been approached by a man in a car who offered her "a ride and some candy"; fortunately, she had the sense to decline and get out of there fast--on the in retrospect incredibly naive theory that things of that nature didn't happen to boys. I'm happy to say nothing did happen to me. So you see I was lucky, and my sister was smart. (I must say I wouldn't have gone with that creep, either. But then adults never did offer good candy.) On the other hand, we'd have gone nuts if we'd been under perpetual adult scrutiny.
So do what you think is best. They're your kids.
When I was little I was allowed to roam farther afield than my older sisters--one of whom had been approached by a man in a car who offered her "a ride and some candy"; fortunately, she had the sense to decline and get out of there fast--on the in retrospect incredibly naive theory that things of that nature didn't happen to boys. I'm happy to say nothing did happen to me. So you see I was lucky, and my sister was smart. (I must say I wouldn't have gone with that creep, either. But then adults never did offer good candy.) On the other hand, we'd have gone nuts if we'd been under perpetual adult scrutiny.
So do what you think is best. They're your kids.
2
'...It is hard for parents to balance the desire to protect their children against the desire to make them more self-reliant...'
Because it requires thinking of what is best for the child, not the parents which few parents seem capable of anymore.
It is appalling to see how sheltered children are and not surprising that when they get their first taste of freedom in college, they are like small children and have no clue as to how to protect themselves.
It is always the students of over-protective parents who drink too much and hang out with a bad crowd, as they cannot tell the difference between normal behavior and troubling behavior in others. Their parents always did that for them, just as they always did their homework and laundry and cooking, keeping their children infantilized to meet their own narcissistic needs.
Because it requires thinking of what is best for the child, not the parents which few parents seem capable of anymore.
It is appalling to see how sheltered children are and not surprising that when they get their first taste of freedom in college, they are like small children and have no clue as to how to protect themselves.
It is always the students of over-protective parents who drink too much and hang out with a bad crowd, as they cannot tell the difference between normal behavior and troubling behavior in others. Their parents always did that for them, just as they always did their homework and laundry and cooking, keeping their children infantilized to meet their own narcissistic needs.
8
I think the recognise normal and troubling just fine its the education that teaches them not to make judgments, that prevents them from knowing they should act to protect themselves and others when they see troubling.
They still might know better if they had been allowed to be in the world on their own as children.
They still might know better if they had been allowed to be in the world on their own as children.
2
Well said.
1
"The most recent in-depth study found that, in 1999, only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger; the overwhelming majority were abducted by a family member. That same year, 2,931 children under 15 died as passengers in car accidents. Driving children around is statistically more dangerous than letting them roam freely."
That would be a fair comparison only if roughly the same number of kids were in the position of being abducted as were being driven, same number of instances and same neighborhoods, but children were probably already overprotected by 1999; comparing such statistics from the 1960s, say, when kids roamed freely, would be a better comparison, but then people will say that the times have changed, and the geographical/socio-economic differences in kids being on their own still differ, so it's a hard nut to crack.
That said, I agree kids are overprotected but part of the problem is herd behavior, as you noted implicitly, that your kids don't see other kids which makes it less safe (presence of lots of kids likely deter abductions; lone kids probably encourage abductions) whereas when I was growing up, I had a trove of kids in the neighborhood with whom I played, whom I got to know on my own - we didn't go to school together, just knew each other from the neighborhood and we went around on our own, gradually expanding our world.
That would be a fair comparison only if roughly the same number of kids were in the position of being abducted as were being driven, same number of instances and same neighborhoods, but children were probably already overprotected by 1999; comparing such statistics from the 1960s, say, when kids roamed freely, would be a better comparison, but then people will say that the times have changed, and the geographical/socio-economic differences in kids being on their own still differ, so it's a hard nut to crack.
That said, I agree kids are overprotected but part of the problem is herd behavior, as you noted implicitly, that your kids don't see other kids which makes it less safe (presence of lots of kids likely deter abductions; lone kids probably encourage abductions) whereas when I was growing up, I had a trove of kids in the neighborhood with whom I played, whom I got to know on my own - we didn't go to school together, just knew each other from the neighborhood and we went around on our own, gradually expanding our world.
My kids...now in their 30s roamed more freely in our suburban neighborhood than they had in our urban one, but then again, my kids were kids at the time Jakob Wetterling was snatched and that changed _everything_ in Minnesota.
However, being cautious and teaching your kids how to be in public is a whole lot different from making them fearful and paranoid about moving about their own world. You have to teach them survival skills, and they have to have the opportunity to practice those skills. Keeping kids beneath a bell jar until they're 17 makes for spoiled, indolent, and obnoxious young adults.
We know kids aren't totally safe anywhere. Columbine and Sandy Hook drove those points home with a sledgehammer. But we cannot breed a generation of kids who don't know how to walk down a street or get on a bus, either.
As for cops charging a parent with recklessness because his kids walked home....that's paranoid and abuse of the law. If I didn't know better, I might think this was yet another intentional way to make sure kids cannot possibly think for themselves. Dumb down the texts books and dumb down the minds. This is not how to grow new leaders in the next generation.
To grow. to flourish, to blossom, to develop strong life skills, kids must be allowed increasing freedoms as they get older. They cannot be babysat forever.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
However, being cautious and teaching your kids how to be in public is a whole lot different from making them fearful and paranoid about moving about their own world. You have to teach them survival skills, and they have to have the opportunity to practice those skills. Keeping kids beneath a bell jar until they're 17 makes for spoiled, indolent, and obnoxious young adults.
We know kids aren't totally safe anywhere. Columbine and Sandy Hook drove those points home with a sledgehammer. But we cannot breed a generation of kids who don't know how to walk down a street or get on a bus, either.
As for cops charging a parent with recklessness because his kids walked home....that's paranoid and abuse of the law. If I didn't know better, I might think this was yet another intentional way to make sure kids cannot possibly think for themselves. Dumb down the texts books and dumb down the minds. This is not how to grow new leaders in the next generation.
To grow. to flourish, to blossom, to develop strong life skills, kids must be allowed increasing freedoms as they get older. They cannot be babysat forever.
http://wifelyperson.blogspot.com/
79
I find it irritating that "free-range parenting" becomes the alternative when recent parenting practices are, in fact, the deviation. It's also annoying that it's presented as "let your kid do whatever they want with no rules." When I was a child, I could go outside and play with my friends, explore the neighborhood, etc. I knew what I couldn't do: stay out of the streets, don't talk to strangers, don't step on other people's lawns without permission, be home at such-and-such time, etc. We had loads of TV and video games available, but we usually chose to do stuff outside. We walked to school by ourselves.
This whole "all-or-nothing" dichotomy is misleading. You don't have to have NO rules or keep your kid locked inside all the time. You can make judgments based on where you live and how mature the child is. If you're in the suburbs and your kid is mature, let them play outside, but tell them they can only go so far, not do these things, and come home at this time.
And if you REALLY want to be safe, give the a cell phone. We didn't have those. They literally act as tracking devices, telling you where your child is at all times. You can track their phone on google maps. They can call you if they need you.
This doesn't have to be such an extreme "all or nothing" dichotomy. Surely, there's an in between, instead of "free rnage" or "lock-and-key" parenting.
This whole "all-or-nothing" dichotomy is misleading. You don't have to have NO rules or keep your kid locked inside all the time. You can make judgments based on where you live and how mature the child is. If you're in the suburbs and your kid is mature, let them play outside, but tell them they can only go so far, not do these things, and come home at this time.
And if you REALLY want to be safe, give the a cell phone. We didn't have those. They literally act as tracking devices, telling you where your child is at all times. You can track their phone on google maps. They can call you if they need you.
This doesn't have to be such an extreme "all or nothing" dichotomy. Surely, there's an in between, instead of "free rnage" or "lock-and-key" parenting.
2
It's not just kids being kept in sight and not allowed to roam free. It's also that play grounds in the U.S. are utterly devoid of anything fun; because fun activities are risky. I came across the following citation in Keyes "Changing It: Why We Don't Take Risks."
Keyes, 1985, p. 261: “An administrator’s heaven and a child’s hell,” commented a British architect after touring the fruits of our playground movement over half a century after it began. Of the asphalt and wire-mesh settings she’d visited during two weeks in this country during 1965, Lady Allen of Hurtwood observed, “Your people seem terrified of risks. They are dogged by fear of insurance claims resulting from accidents in public playgrounds. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Keyes goes on to argue (p. 267), “Perhaps this is our inevitable trend: from losely controlled to highly controlled pseudorisk in amusement parks, then on to total simulation. Theme-park operators have already found that among their main attractions are computerized games little different from those outside their gates. In intent, such games are the fulfillment of the American Way of Risk: a stimulating, exciting, even heart-thumping form of excitement with no danger, stakes, or risk of any kind except the loss of quarters. The game makers know what they’re selling…….The boys and men who dominate arcades sound like mountain climbers as they describe the arousal, excitement, and intensity of playing their games."
Keyes, 1985, p. 261: “An administrator’s heaven and a child’s hell,” commented a British architect after touring the fruits of our playground movement over half a century after it began. Of the asphalt and wire-mesh settings she’d visited during two weeks in this country during 1965, Lady Allen of Hurtwood observed, “Your people seem terrified of risks. They are dogged by fear of insurance claims resulting from accidents in public playgrounds. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Keyes goes on to argue (p. 267), “Perhaps this is our inevitable trend: from losely controlled to highly controlled pseudorisk in amusement parks, then on to total simulation. Theme-park operators have already found that among their main attractions are computerized games little different from those outside their gates. In intent, such games are the fulfillment of the American Way of Risk: a stimulating, exciting, even heart-thumping form of excitement with no danger, stakes, or risk of any kind except the loss of quarters. The game makers know what they’re selling…….The boys and men who dominate arcades sound like mountain climbers as they describe the arousal, excitement, and intensity of playing their games."
1
I agree. We're overprotective. Kids need to learn independence. But has anyone considered that child abduction might be down because parents are overprotective nowadays? There is less opportunity for child predators- the "stranger" type, at least. I know that crime is down in general, but as a parent, I feel that the internet now exposes and even cultivates dangerous behavior in certain vulnerable individuals. The thought of a lifetime of regret, even when that chance is remote, overcomes our sensibility. We know danger is out there; we know the odds are slim of danger finding our partidular child(ren), but we're not willing to take the chance.
2
My friend Christopher & his wife recently returned to live in the USA after living abroad in various countries for the past 21 years. He tells me that people in the USA are easily the most fearful people he's seen, that fear is an overriding cultural trait among US Americans. It poisons the culture, poisons social relations, and poisons the mind. Interesting to hear his comments on that.
3
This article and the many like it about the Silver Spring children will make some parents more fearful. The media, reminding us how dangerous it is to set foot outside our front door, doing so 24/7 across all devices so that we can't escape, is responsible for a spike in fears about our safety at a time when streets, even in big cities, are safer than in the past.
I disagree with those who claim children whose parents don't allow free-ranging are worse off. There's no evidence. Kids returning to the nest nowadays do so for economic reasons. Twenty-somethings don't want to live with parents. They are no less creative, adventuresome and risk-taking than those of us growing up long ago. So too, there's no evidence that those us who free-ranged were better off. In the '40's, between ages 10 and 12, I traveled on buses and the subway either alone or with a friend, delivered papers in the early morning hours and groceries after school, often in the dark. I walked to school everyday. In looking back, being responsible for ourselves, for knowing where we were and how to return home was a useful skill, but one that could have been learned later on as well.
I disagree with those who claim children whose parents don't allow free-ranging are worse off. There's no evidence. Kids returning to the nest nowadays do so for economic reasons. Twenty-somethings don't want to live with parents. They are no less creative, adventuresome and risk-taking than those of us growing up long ago. So too, there's no evidence that those us who free-ranged were better off. In the '40's, between ages 10 and 12, I traveled on buses and the subway either alone or with a friend, delivered papers in the early morning hours and groceries after school, often in the dark. I walked to school everyday. In looking back, being responsible for ourselves, for knowing where we were and how to return home was a useful skill, but one that could have been learned later on as well.
2
Why are Americans so afraid to give their kids room to roam?
The sad fact is that this is yet another of the harms inflicted on the people of the USA by the GOP & the reagan Administration's liberal use of fear to gain power and induce people to act against their own best interests. Americans are today a fear based people in nearly all things and do not even realise it.
I could not imagine not allowing a child of 8 to roam free as you did.
I can't imagine that an adult would not see the intrinsic harm of raising a child in a fear based environment.
It is anathema to the American System and actually undermines it as it makes it nearly impossible for those children to be able to meet new people and by interacting with them make proper character judgments at the appropriate times of them as adults.
Leaving them to rely on childhood fear based stories and whatever prejudices stuck with them as they grew up as adults in a nation that encourages everyone to hide their faults or developmental weaknesses as they Will be used against you.
You can't have a system of freedom if you don’t know who you can trust or worse don’t believe that you can trust anyone at all.
Yet if you want to make money off of people it is a perfect system/way of being which of course will eventually collapse but man will some folks get rich as it falls.
The sad fact is that this is yet another of the harms inflicted on the people of the USA by the GOP & the reagan Administration's liberal use of fear to gain power and induce people to act against their own best interests. Americans are today a fear based people in nearly all things and do not even realise it.
I could not imagine not allowing a child of 8 to roam free as you did.
I can't imagine that an adult would not see the intrinsic harm of raising a child in a fear based environment.
It is anathema to the American System and actually undermines it as it makes it nearly impossible for those children to be able to meet new people and by interacting with them make proper character judgments at the appropriate times of them as adults.
Leaving them to rely on childhood fear based stories and whatever prejudices stuck with them as they grew up as adults in a nation that encourages everyone to hide their faults or developmental weaknesses as they Will be used against you.
You can't have a system of freedom if you don’t know who you can trust or worse don’t believe that you can trust anyone at all.
Yet if you want to make money off of people it is a perfect system/way of being which of course will eventually collapse but man will some folks get rich as it falls.
1
Growing up in Brooklyn in the 60s and 70s, I had a blast. But there was safety in numbers. There were children everywhere, always enough to choose up sides for a game of punchball or tag football. For the last 25 years or so, many suburban streets have been empty. Most of the children are in organized activities now. So if you want your daughter to interact with her peers and not grownups with dogs (that's a topic for another post) you should sign her up for activities like soccer or ice skating or baseball or lacrosse or track or dance or robotics or the list goes on and on. In many ways it is a great time to be a kid - to have the chance to be exposed to so many activities.
2
Days of yore in which gangs of kids played throughout the neighborhood were great; I grew up that way. But it should be acknowledged that in a time when most families need two salaries to survive, part of the reason so few kids are outside playing is because they are latch-key children, home alone after school until a parent comes home from work. There are no groups of kids to play with, no adult to cast the occasional eye. We live in a huge, diverse country, and comparisons to child-rearing in Europe mean little. There's a happy medium to this whole issue, and American parents are a lot closer to it than the author thinks.
2
All of the fears not withstanding, the real danger is cramping you child's ability to function as an adult. I grew up in the 50s with very protective parents. I internalized these fears. I spent the my latter teenage and young adult years very angry with my parents for the over protection, and in battle with those fears.
2
As a reporter and a parent of young children, I had the opportunity in 1993 to glimpse first-hand how the media and the community react to child abduction cases, in the days and months following the Polly Klass kidnapping and murder. A tsunami of international media descended on the Northern California suburb of Petaluma, California, to cover that case. The father, Mark Klass, did everything in his power to keep the case in front of the media and the media were only too happy to comply. Polly became America's Child, with a cover on People magazine. The search went on for three grueling months. During that time, the family's despair and community's fear became grist for the media mill and for the politicians who exploited it through Three Strikes laws and Megan's Law. Media coverage of crime hasn't changed. Crime nationwide is down, but you''d never know it from the nightly news. The media is a powerful propaganda machine, and fear--of crime and terrorism--pays the bills. Childhood is the collateral damage.
2
While I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, the sentence "Driving children around is statistically more dangerous than letting them roam freely." is misleading. Without knowing how much time kids spend in cars vs. wandering around unsupervised we cannot say which is statistically more likely.
I wonder if this seeming epidemic of excessive alcohol use and abuse, and the atmosphere of anything-goes in college/fraternity/sorority life (such as the recent trashing of ski resort accomodations to the tune of more than $100,000 in damage by students from the University of Michigan), is due to the fact that kids have no experience of being independent and making choices for themselves before they suddenly find themselves in an environment where this is necessary. It is no wonder that some of them can't keep themselves from this behavior that is so destructive to themselves and to the community.
1
Fear is a major factor throughout today's America - unreasonable fear of unknown and unknowable dangers lurking everywhere and anywhere. It drives a lot of things besdies just how we raise our kids: architecture and design look backward (in fantasy) and shun the terrors of today; the extreme Right is motivated in large part by fear of losing what it thought it once had; people - especially including a lot of women and helicopter parents - chose to drive SUVs because they mistakenly believe they are "safer" in them from the dangers "out there" on the road and in the world. And don't forget the gated communities. What is THAT about but unreasonable fear?
How did we get to be such chickens? Is it mass psychology, mass media, or what?
How did we get to be such chickens? Is it mass psychology, mass media, or what?
2
Having grown up in Manhattan in the 50's, I was, apparently, a Free-Range kid, as were all my friends. I obviously survived. We played on the sidewalks & sometimes in the street (side-street) to play stick ball. We walked to the parks in the neighborhood by ourselves & even stayed out until dark (& maybe a little later) in the summers. No one was worried about us being out alone. In one particularly funny(?) episode, my friend & I (we both lived in the same building) were pestering out mothers so much that they told us to get lost. So we did. Sorta. They couldn't find us later, as we were gone for hours, & began to worry. About that time we wandered back home. When asked where we had been, we said around. After all, you told us to get lost, so we did! Survived that one also.
When my kids were very young, we moved to the 'burbs. We let our kids out to play without one of us to watch over them. The kids were taught their boundaries & paid attention to them. They were also taught what to do if they got home from school before their mother did. This was before the age we felt they ready for house keys. And yes, they eventually wore the keys on a string around their necks.
Maybe if kids were let out on their own to play, they wouldn't spend so much time inside with video games & computers.
When my kids were very young, we moved to the 'burbs. We let our kids out to play without one of us to watch over them. The kids were taught their boundaries & paid attention to them. They were also taught what to do if they got home from school before their mother did. This was before the age we felt they ready for house keys. And yes, they eventually wore the keys on a string around their necks.
Maybe if kids were let out on their own to play, they wouldn't spend so much time inside with video games & computers.
2
What's sad here is the perception that endless helicoptering is the only thing that will keep children safe from being crime victims. This has even extended to the university years, as some parents have been known to get a place near campus, the better to follow their 'babies'. It does, at times, get ridiculous.
What's really horrifying here, on the other hand, is how government is getting involved to the point where failure to be a totally controlling parent, fulfilling whatever 'official guidelines' are in place (Height? Weight? Number of approved group affiliations?) can become a crime. If the aim is to force us all into a truly Orwellian 'lifestyle' (Are you sure you can call that 'living'?) they're doing a bangup job, to the point where 'ownslife' (defined, in '1984', as 'individualism and eccentricity') is indeed on its way to being considered deviant if not outright criminal. Our 'Land of the Free' is well on its way to becoming about as free as China, and, like the proverbial frog in the post of water that's slowly being warmed to the boiling point, few of us even seem to be noticing until it's too late. How a society can do this to its offspring I can't comprehend, unless it's been so thoroughly bamboozled by the corporate media and its political reinforcers that it's not even realising what's afoot. May our children, and the good Lord above, forgive us.
What's really horrifying here, on the other hand, is how government is getting involved to the point where failure to be a totally controlling parent, fulfilling whatever 'official guidelines' are in place (Height? Weight? Number of approved group affiliations?) can become a crime. If the aim is to force us all into a truly Orwellian 'lifestyle' (Are you sure you can call that 'living'?) they're doing a bangup job, to the point where 'ownslife' (defined, in '1984', as 'individualism and eccentricity') is indeed on its way to being considered deviant if not outright criminal. Our 'Land of the Free' is well on its way to becoming about as free as China, and, like the proverbial frog in the post of water that's slowly being warmed to the boiling point, few of us even seem to be noticing until it's too late. How a society can do this to its offspring I can't comprehend, unless it's been so thoroughly bamboozled by the corporate media and its political reinforcers that it's not even realising what's afoot. May our children, and the good Lord above, forgive us.
1
Totalitarian parenting, that's what I calls it
2
Free-range parenting, helicopter parenting. The pressure on parents to align themselves with one "group" or another is only adding to the complexities of parenting today. The reality is that every child, situation, and environment requires parents to evaluate what is right for *their child* (and their parenting comfort) and decide accordingly.
This is not the 50s or 60s where children in big cities (e.g. Philadelphia, New York) took trains and other transportation solo. Children today are not, in many situations, sent out to play at 9:00 in the morning and return home at 6:00 for dinner and a little TV before bed. Perhaps in a rural area, but not in others. Life today has far more risks associated with it, from the internet to the stranger at the playground, and parents need to be vigilant.
Additionally, the task of teaching independence varies tremendously based upon the child and it isn't an age issue either. Some children can handle staying home alone for a few hours while others cannot. Some can take a bus alone and others should not. Much is based on maturity and decision-making abilities, remembering that the brain does not fully develop until age 25.
Parents need to use their internal compass to guide their decisions vs. succumbing to pressure to change their approach. Why? Because there isn't one parent who wants to risk their child's safety just to see whether they can navigate a city, store, street, or situation solo. I know I wouldn't.
This is not the 50s or 60s where children in big cities (e.g. Philadelphia, New York) took trains and other transportation solo. Children today are not, in many situations, sent out to play at 9:00 in the morning and return home at 6:00 for dinner and a little TV before bed. Perhaps in a rural area, but not in others. Life today has far more risks associated with it, from the internet to the stranger at the playground, and parents need to be vigilant.
Additionally, the task of teaching independence varies tremendously based upon the child and it isn't an age issue either. Some children can handle staying home alone for a few hours while others cannot. Some can take a bus alone and others should not. Much is based on maturity and decision-making abilities, remembering that the brain does not fully develop until age 25.
Parents need to use their internal compass to guide their decisions vs. succumbing to pressure to change their approach. Why? Because there isn't one parent who wants to risk their child's safety just to see whether they can navigate a city, store, street, or situation solo. I know I wouldn't.
2
But that's the point of the op-ed, in general, cities are safer than they were in the 50s and 60s but we're treating them like they're war zones- they're not. You're staying "vigilant" over something that isn't there, and in the meantime denying your children the chance of learning self-sufficiency.
I'm somewhere in the middle. Kids should be able to walk to the park to play with their friends alone, but walking a mile or more seems overboard. As Americans we're always so extreme. We really need to find a middle ground in all parts of our society.
I'm somewhere in the middle. Kids should be able to walk to the park to play with their friends alone, but walking a mile or more seems overboard. As Americans we're always so extreme. We really need to find a middle ground in all parts of our society.
1
Humans are generally terrible at understanding probability and risk assessment.
3
Boy does this seem like a white people problem (and yes, I am one)
6
That makes no sense.
All children have to learn to deal with the world on their own. They need to know it is safe and they can navigate the dangers that do exist without having constant supervision.
To bring in an tangential topics without the facts specific individuals situations is to be falsely engaging in thought experiment as if you were speaking about facts.
All children have to learn to deal with the world on their own. They need to know it is safe and they can navigate the dangers that do exist without having constant supervision.
To bring in an tangential topics without the facts specific individuals situations is to be falsely engaging in thought experiment as if you were speaking about facts.
What if we rephrase this and say it's a middle- and upper-middle class problem? Poorer families often don't have the luxury of overscheduling their kids or having someone sit out of the workforce to mind the children. I would wager that kids from families who have to work harder are more independent and more capable than those from rich families.
2
You must have missed the story, not long ago, of a black mother who was arrested for leaving her kid in a park to play while she worked nearby.
2
In another study of 100 parents, researchers from Generic Upper Class White Suburban Neighborhood found that "nearly all" thought they they spent almost 90% of their time "running around," that "Kids These Days" don't know how good they've got it, and that the parents (when they were kids) were much more awesome than all these modern children whose lives they know nothing about. (Notably, a similar researcher from Ferguson, MO, was arrested for vagrancy while taking a similar survey while walking down the sidewalk, so no comprehensive data is forthcoming.) Paradoxically, however, a similar survey of 100 parents in a nearby Missouri gated community, "nearly all" thought that "Kids These Days" (in unseemly neighborhoods) spent way too much time causing trouble and being in places where they shouldn't belong, and that shouldn't they have jobs anyway? They also were thankful for police and neighborhood watch groups for keeping them safe so that their own kids could "run around" more. And when asked about the government "nanny state," they faithfully cited the same single, non-representative case of Rafi and Dvora Meitiv that has become a banal talking point but thankfully is continually given new life by people living in comfortable Maryland suburbs.
1
I can remember at age 3 wandering all over our hilly, woodsy Seattle neighborhood with my older brother--then probably six--and several other neighborhood kids who were of similar ages. At 5, by then in Belmont, Mass, I walked the half mile-plus to school, sometimes with my brother, sometimes alone. Those streets were a grid, and I can remember figuring out that I could take different streets to school from the route my parents had shown me. At nine, my parents let me ride my bicycle from Lexington into Cambridge (6 miles), and at 17, they let me drive a beater across the country when we went to California for the year. All this was in the '50s and '60s.
Great op-ed. I hope parents pay attention.
Great op-ed. I hope parents pay attention.
3
Ah, Germany. Of course I walked to school alone in the early 70s there as I had done in the States and enjoyed other freedoms in both countries. What stands out in my mind is St Martin's Day (Nov. 11). On that day I (age 7) and my older sister were given paper lanterns attached to long handles that allowed us to carry the lanterns in front of us. Each lantern had a candle in it. A real one. A lit one. Real fire. We walked with two other girls (10 and 8) to the center of town after dark to enjoy the bonfire. No adults were with us. On the way the 8 year old's lantern caught fire. She dropped it, stamped on it, and continued stamping long after the fire was out. We went on to the bonfire, three of us still with paper lanterns containing burning candles. It was strange on returning not to be allowed near a lit pumpkin at school (I believe they are now banned entirely.)
3
Eight-years-old is too young to "explore" one's neighborhood alone, especially without telling parents where she is going. I gave my now-adult sons a lot of independence but, truly, 8 is too young to go anywhere alone.
4
Clearly, many people disagree.
At 8 I was riding my bike about 1.5 miles to a convenience store with a note from mom -- to buy her cigarettes! LOL. At 12, my dad's job had taken us to S. America's largest city and I would routinely step off the school bus in the thick of downtown and wander around for an hour, checking out parks, shops, etc. before heading to our apartment. And I didn't even speak the language of the country! At 14 I knew how to drive our big old V-8 station wagon, even on the expressway.
Of course, we were raised from an early age to be responsible, cautious and assertive rather than dependent, passive and timid.
At 8 I was riding my bike about 1.5 miles to a convenience store with a note from mom -- to buy her cigarettes! LOL. At 12, my dad's job had taken us to S. America's largest city and I would routinely step off the school bus in the thick of downtown and wander around for an hour, checking out parks, shops, etc. before heading to our apartment. And I didn't even speak the language of the country! At 14 I knew how to drive our big old V-8 station wagon, even on the expressway.
Of course, we were raised from an early age to be responsible, cautious and assertive rather than dependent, passive and timid.
4
When my kids were teens the term 'free range' applied (in my mind) to allowing animals to graze on public land.
My kids were about as free range as the buffalo in Yellowstone. I look back now and realize that had anything happened to the sons whose biking habits took them to villages I had never personally visited probably would wind up with them being under state supervision and me under probation.
My daughters went into their friends homes and I later learned a couple of the fathers were not always what they should have been, but my daughters handled it extremely well for their friends sake and managed to avoid the dangers.
Granted, they were all lucky. Nothing bad happened and something bad could easily have happened. However, life is simply one long serious gamble and for most of us the dice comes up in our favor.
But we need to put giving our children room to wander and how much control we exert on all they do, into some perspective and that isn't easy. We read too much about the dangers and the stories we see on TV and in the movies only reinforces our belief that the world can be too dangerous even when the kids aren't even kids any longer.
Good grief! Even watching the Boston Marathon was a living hades on one day when all seemed serene, so of course fear is what parents feel when the kid is around the corner and can't be seen.
My kids were about as free range as the buffalo in Yellowstone. I look back now and realize that had anything happened to the sons whose biking habits took them to villages I had never personally visited probably would wind up with them being under state supervision and me under probation.
My daughters went into their friends homes and I later learned a couple of the fathers were not always what they should have been, but my daughters handled it extremely well for their friends sake and managed to avoid the dangers.
Granted, they were all lucky. Nothing bad happened and something bad could easily have happened. However, life is simply one long serious gamble and for most of us the dice comes up in our favor.
But we need to put giving our children room to wander and how much control we exert on all they do, into some perspective and that isn't easy. We read too much about the dangers and the stories we see on TV and in the movies only reinforces our belief that the world can be too dangerous even when the kids aren't even kids any longer.
Good grief! Even watching the Boston Marathon was a living hades on one day when all seemed serene, so of course fear is what parents feel when the kid is around the corner and can't be seen.
1
"Stranger Danger" was THE WORST campaign ever devised. Only 1% of children are EVER sexually abused by strangers.
It's the family members who abuse our children. TV and movies are there to provide the worst possible things that could happen...THAT NEVER HAPPEN!
Don't equate our real world with TV and Movie scripts. Our real world is made more dangerous by the Koch brothers attempting to wipe out the EPA!
It's the family members who abuse our children. TV and movies are there to provide the worst possible things that could happen...THAT NEVER HAPPEN!
Don't equate our real world with TV and Movie scripts. Our real world is made more dangerous by the Koch brothers attempting to wipe out the EPA!
2
A great article. Yes, the latch key kid at 8 or younger, I was. The sad truth though is many children live in isolated neighborhoods, where there is little chance of seeing or even meeting a neighbor. We now have "Play Dates" something unheard of years' ago! This is a a wonderful article but today's neighborhoods in more affluent areas can be too quiet. I feel that living in a busy urban neighborhood gives greater security to the child so that he/she can be seen by other's should a problem arise.
1
What happened to strong independent America? Of course I would never forgive myself if my kids got hurt, but the odds are vanishingly small. It sometimes makes me nervous when they are on their own, but they are always come back proud and more confident than ever in their own abilities and judgement. That's really priceless and I think will serve them well in life. I relished all the independence that I had a s a kid and have encouraged my children to explore and roam. They seem much less inclined than I was to take advantage of that, but they are still a bit young (9 & 11). IN the end, and not too long from now, they will be in new environments and have to make their way and find their place. Better that they should do so with confidence in their abilities that has been confirmed by real life experience.
3
I basically agree with the premise of this article but not the author's use of statistics to explain the phenomenon. Children here need to be taught independence - yes. Parents need to stop sheltering their kids so much - yes. But to compare the number of children kidnapped to the number of children who die as passengers in car accidents is missing an important point and blurs the issue. What about the number of children who die when both supervised and unsupervised as pedestrians? I do not watch my children closely solely because I fear kidnapping but rather because I fear bad drivers, who are all over the place in America (unlike in Germany where a driver's license is a privilege not a right and traffic laws tend to be obeyed and enforced more). When I grew up, many people on our street only had one car and nearly everyone had young children. People drove slowly and carefully to ensure we stayed safe. That same neighborhood is now populated with SUVs and people speeding off to drop their kids off all over the place. Many also have hybrids that you cannot even hear approaching. So let's not just blame parents for their parenting choices and let's consider whether our society's attitudes about driving safety play a role as well.
4
We didn't have seat belts...and my mom managed to get speeding tickets whenever we drove anywhere on vacations.
Drunk driving was never considered a problem...until MADD came around. You ever watch older movies? EVERYONE is drinking and drunkeness was funny.
We're not driving more safely...except for possibly drinking less..No, our cars became safer. After Ralph Nader's book "Unsafe at Any Speed" came out the car industry FINALLY started making cars much safer. Seat belts, air bags, better braking systems, better steering mechanisms. Crash Test Dummies were used to figure out dangerous cars rather than seeing what accident sites looked like..after a family was wiped out.
Drunk driving was never considered a problem...until MADD came around. You ever watch older movies? EVERYONE is drinking and drunkeness was funny.
We're not driving more safely...except for possibly drinking less..No, our cars became safer. After Ralph Nader's book "Unsafe at Any Speed" came out the car industry FINALLY started making cars much safer. Seat belts, air bags, better braking systems, better steering mechanisms. Crash Test Dummies were used to figure out dangerous cars rather than seeing what accident sites looked like..after a family was wiped out.
3
The Consumer Product Safety Commission and similar agencies that collect data or regulate products or activities, don't have a socially acceptable way to say something was a "good" injury or event. The child with a first degree burn on their finger or who feels a stranger is creepy has learned to see hazards and reduce risk. It is politically impossible to explain that to a distraught parent. That's good. I used to wonder if something wasn't lost wen we had horses and mules. It was your falult if you were stepped on.
1
I completely agree with the editorial.
What bothers me even more is that the government backs up people who call child protective services on the parents who are willing to let their children out on their own, in their own neighborhood. I think that's appalling.
And, yes, it certainly happens here in Texas, where one might hope it would not. Interviews with the children alone because a child had been out on the street a few doors from his or her home! Meanwhile, there are homes with known abuse that go unmonitored so that children die.
That's a child protective services driven by "checking the boxes", deeply bureaucratic. If the agency would allow its investigators more latitude and back them up better, they'd save more children and, over the long term, keep the better investigators who care and must be horribly frustrated with the system.
What bothers me even more is that the government backs up people who call child protective services on the parents who are willing to let their children out on their own, in their own neighborhood. I think that's appalling.
And, yes, it certainly happens here in Texas, where one might hope it would not. Interviews with the children alone because a child had been out on the street a few doors from his or her home! Meanwhile, there are homes with known abuse that go unmonitored so that children die.
That's a child protective services driven by "checking the boxes", deeply bureaucratic. If the agency would allow its investigators more latitude and back them up better, they'd save more children and, over the long term, keep the better investigators who care and must be horribly frustrated with the system.
1
Growing up an only child in '60s and '70s NYC (think "Naked City" through "Taxi Driver") I rode the subway or city bus unaccompanied virtually every day from the time I was 6, as did all of my friends, boys AND girls. I was 10 and on my way home from school on Nov. 9 1965 when power went out over a large swath of the Northeast including the City. My friends and I wandered around for an hour or two checking out the confusion (all traffic and street lights were out) and then I went home, where my mother's only comment as I remember it was something to the effect of "oh good you made it, your dinner was getting cold".
4
I live in the country, on the edge of a forest. When my grandsons were just little, maybe 3 and 5, or even a bit younger, they were encouraged to play outside. It was a totally new concept to them to be unsupervised (well, so they thought ... we watched from the window) but they loved it. As they grew, we watched less, and just checked on them occasionally.
So, how did we make sure they didn't wander too far? Simple. My German shepherd was in charge. She knew the boundaries, and they were under strict instruction not to go anywhere the dog wouldn't go. She loved "herding" them!
So, how did we make sure they didn't wander too far? Simple. My German shepherd was in charge. She knew the boundaries, and they were under strict instruction not to go anywhere the dog wouldn't go. She loved "herding" them!
4
While I am dismayed by the lack of freedom of today's children (I was walking alone to and from school by second grade), and I think it is a bad thing, I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. Crime rates may be low today, and stranger abduction very rare, but if your children are the *only* children wandering around alone, and there does happen to be a predator in the area looking for prey, then who is he going to grab? It's going to be *your* children!
I think a lot of parents are aware of this is a subconscious way, and that makes them unwilling to buck the trend by being the first to let their children go free range. Just as an antelope is much safer from the occasional lion (also rare!) if it is one of a herd of thousands, if everyone's children are running free, then your children have the protection of the herd, and are less likely to be singled out.
I think what this means is that if things are going to change, it won't be because individual parents start deciding privately that their fears are overblown and unilaterally loosing the reins on their children. Since nobody wants to go first, it's going to have to be some sort of collective social movement, where parents collectively become aware that they have a problem, and collaborate to solve it. I think op-eds like this one are a useful first step in promoting that awareness, but I have no clear idea what the next step should be.
I think a lot of parents are aware of this is a subconscious way, and that makes them unwilling to buck the trend by being the first to let their children go free range. Just as an antelope is much safer from the occasional lion (also rare!) if it is one of a herd of thousands, if everyone's children are running free, then your children have the protection of the herd, and are less likely to be singled out.
I think what this means is that if things are going to change, it won't be because individual parents start deciding privately that their fears are overblown and unilaterally loosing the reins on their children. Since nobody wants to go first, it's going to have to be some sort of collective social movement, where parents collectively become aware that they have a problem, and collaborate to solve it. I think op-eds like this one are a useful first step in promoting that awareness, but I have no clear idea what the next step should be.
3
I grew up in College Park Georgia - near the end of a runway at the Atlanta airport. Downtown was connected to College Park by a trolley. In the late 1950s when I was only 8 or 9, I was allowed to take 20 cents, ride the trolley to downtown Atlanta alone (5 cents), buy something (usually ice cream and a coke - 10 cents), and ride the trolley home. I never thought anything of it. When my daughter - at 12 - won a national award in 2004 and was invited to Washington DC, she was allowed to fly alone and have someone from the awards meet her at the airport and take her to her hotel.
But then my first ancestor in the USA ran away from home in Italy at age 12 and ended up in Surrey County North Carolina a year later, with a wagon, a wife, and some land. Kids can do anything. If we hold them tight, they will become afraid. A couple of weeks ago, my same daughter and I went to Selma for the 50th anniversary march. She headed off into the crowd while I sat and rested. She showed back up after the President's speech and told me about it. 6 years earlier she did the same thing in a much larger crowd at Obama's first inauguration. She is smart, confident, careful and free. I would wish everyone could have such a daughter as mine. My sons? They are even more free-spirited, but there is space limitation here.
But then my first ancestor in the USA ran away from home in Italy at age 12 and ended up in Surrey County North Carolina a year later, with a wagon, a wife, and some land. Kids can do anything. If we hold them tight, they will become afraid. A couple of weeks ago, my same daughter and I went to Selma for the 50th anniversary march. She headed off into the crowd while I sat and rested. She showed back up after the President's speech and told me about it. 6 years earlier she did the same thing in a much larger crowd at Obama's first inauguration. She is smart, confident, careful and free. I would wish everyone could have such a daughter as mine. My sons? They are even more free-spirited, but there is space limitation here.
8
I grew up in Wilmette, Illinois (just north of Chicago, on the Bore Shore), the northern terminus of the CTA rapid transit trains. By the time I was 11, my pals and I were ponying up 9 cents to take the El down to Addison to see the Cubs. We'd get there early and stand in line by the bleachers entrance. We knew that around 10 or 10:30, a guy would come out and asked who wanted to put the park's seat bottoms down in exchange for free bleacher admission. Once we finished with that, we'd pay 15 cents for a scorecard and 10 cents for a Cubs pencil, a quarter for a bag of peanuts and 20 cents for a soft drink, find our seats in the bleachers before anyone else was admitted. We'd spend a great day at the park, maybe have a hot dog (for a quarter) and another soda, and return to Wilmette on the El for another 9 cents. What is now called Wrigleyville was a rather tough neighborhood at the time, all Puerto Rican and hillbilly, but since we were always on the move, we never felt threatened. I will say, however, that I'm not certain that I'd let my kids go down to Wrigley on their own nowadays - it's an nicer neighborhood now, but the park has long since become the world's biggest biergarten and open-air meat market for active urban twenty-somethings and those who aspire to be like them.
We in America have created a culture of fear. Some of our 24 hour news is so laced with hyperbolic sensationalistic catastrophe that I feel, over time has morphed us into the worried helicopter parental society that Mr Wergin is writing about.
When I go to the gym, Men are consumed with the gloom and doom stories from FOX news. Our local school is about as safe as it gets...wealthy, suburban, big streets, sidewalks, etc...but in the morning and afternoon the streets get jammed up with parents driving their kids a short distance in the family SUV to school. The traffic is so bad, I am sure it is faster to walk. The pattern has been getting worse over the years.
The only social pattern I can see is the more affluent and conservative the community, the more overprotective it appears parents become. I see it only getting worse however.....
When I go to the gym, Men are consumed with the gloom and doom stories from FOX news. Our local school is about as safe as it gets...wealthy, suburban, big streets, sidewalks, etc...but in the morning and afternoon the streets get jammed up with parents driving their kids a short distance in the family SUV to school. The traffic is so bad, I am sure it is faster to walk. The pattern has been getting worse over the years.
The only social pattern I can see is the more affluent and conservative the community, the more overprotective it appears parents become. I see it only getting worse however.....
5
I'm an American teacher currently in Finland visiting schools for 4 months, and this is one of the most common conversations I have with teachers here. Even in Helsinki, it's not unusual to see 1st graders (age 7) getting to and from school alone on the public bus. It also means that school doesn't have to start or end at the same time for all kids. For example, one 1st grade teacher had the schedule arranged so that a few days per week half the class attends school from 8-12, while the rest come from 9-1. The same lesson is taught from 8-9 and from 12-1, but it's possible to give more individual help in the smaller groups.
Yes, Finland is quite a safe country, but it has its fair share of alcoholics and people with mental illness. The town where I teach in the US is also very safe, but parents there shelter their kids to the extreme. I've had a high school freshman ask to call her babysitter to report that she'd be staying for extra help after school. And no, she didn't have younger siblings to justify a babysitter. Americans fixate on the stories in the news and have no concept of statistical risk (such as the car crash comparison).
Check out my blog post for more about how Finnish kids get to school (sometimes by sledding or skiing). http://stacykissel.com/2015/02/26/walk-bike-ski-or-sled/
Yes, Finland is quite a safe country, but it has its fair share of alcoholics and people with mental illness. The town where I teach in the US is also very safe, but parents there shelter their kids to the extreme. I've had a high school freshman ask to call her babysitter to report that she'd be staying for extra help after school. And no, she didn't have younger siblings to justify a babysitter. Americans fixate on the stories in the news and have no concept of statistical risk (such as the car crash comparison).
Check out my blog post for more about how Finnish kids get to school (sometimes by sledding or skiing). http://stacykissel.com/2015/02/26/walk-bike-ski-or-sled/
8
Please take this message to the streets. We are hurting our children with our overprotection. One reader stated that he would rather keep his child safe and do psychotherapy later than risk kidnapping or injury. Everyone needs to know that you are NOT keeping your child safe. As Mr. Wergin says, the risk of driving is more harmful. We need to work against the human tendency to remember the things that scare us. It is not irresponsible to allow your children to roam free. It is irresponsible to cling to fear of something that is very unlikely to happen.
2
I don't understand why parents, specifically in NYC, are so overprotective. My brother and I are in our 30's, and were raised in a a grittier, crime ridden New York. We started going to school on public transportation by ourselves in elementary school. There were no cell phones, no pagers. Our parents supplied us with emergency cash in case we ever had to take a taxi home. The worst that ever happened to me was being pick-pocketed at 13. My brother was mugged in middle school by some other kids. We survived.
3
I think you'll find that NYC parents are more realistic (LESS overprotective) than suburban parents. I was once upbraided in the suburbs for letting my young sons play in the yard in front of our townhouse, on a private cul-de-sac. Neighbors thought I was insane and careless.
However, here we have useful public transport and a school system that often necessitates lengthy commutes for kids as young as 6th grade. Kids are also rarely alone with all the foot traffic. They're actually safer than they would be if they were isolated in some suburban neighborhood with no one around.
However, here we have useful public transport and a school system that often necessitates lengthy commutes for kids as young as 6th grade. Kids are also rarely alone with all the foot traffic. They're actually safer than they would be if they were isolated in some suburban neighborhood with no one around.
1
I agree wholeheartedly. As a child of 6-9, I roamed the neighborhood with a pack of feral children in a small college town in Kansas, all summer. I walked 1.1 miles each way to school, alone. Later, my family moved to Europe, where at 10 I was taught how to use the U-Bahn (subway) and set free to explore the medieval city we lived in, alone.
Now I live in NYC with my two young teen sons. I push them out into the world. There is no finer education than being out in the world, learning how to get lost (and find yourself) and how to navigate around danger.
There are not packs of predators hunting down children to rape and kill. There are a tiny handful of these unwell people, and teaching your children to trust their gut when dealing with people who don't seem safe is the best gift you can give them.
Now I live in NYC with my two young teen sons. I push them out into the world. There is no finer education than being out in the world, learning how to get lost (and find yourself) and how to navigate around danger.
There are not packs of predators hunting down children to rape and kill. There are a tiny handful of these unwell people, and teaching your children to trust their gut when dealing with people who don't seem safe is the best gift you can give them.
4
And yet U.S. parents allow their children to roam unfettered on the Internet.
5
Why do we have a label for this--"free-range parenting"? Labeling it just makes it seem weird, instead of normal.
4
My children, who are in college, see the alarming results of this over-parenting: classmates and dorm mates who can barely function on a practical level; who have extremely weak boundaries between themselves and others; who fall apart if they come up against anything that challenges their comfort level or preconceptions; and who are veritable pharmacies of anti-anxiety, anti-depressive, anti-psychotic, and anti-attentive deficit disorder medications as well as alcohol, pot, and various pills. There are also the former friends from middle school, often the ones who showed the most promise, who are living at home with mom and dad, putting off college and an entry into adulthood.
How can people get it through their heads that they are doing their children no big favor by metaphorically chaining them to the radiator? People thought I was nuts when I would let my kids, in 6th and 7th and even 8th grades!, do things like ride the bus/subway to school. As a child of the 1960s and 1970s, this kind of iron-handed control was completely foreign to the way I was raised. I can't imagine taking so much away from a person you supposedly love.
How can people get it through their heads that they are doing their children no big favor by metaphorically chaining them to the radiator? People thought I was nuts when I would let my kids, in 6th and 7th and even 8th grades!, do things like ride the bus/subway to school. As a child of the 1960s and 1970s, this kind of iron-handed control was completely foreign to the way I was raised. I can't imagine taking so much away from a person you supposedly love.
6
My work takes me to the same college town I went to university in more than 30 years ago. I racked my brain and cannot recall anyone in my circle of friends or roommates who was on any sort of prescription medication (until eventually we all found our way to Planned Parenthood for birth control pills.) There was not a drugstore within walking distance, other than a sort of convenience-general store that carried aspirin, band-aids and the like.
Stopped in the new CVS on campus and the Rx department is huge, and the lineup of students in their late teens for their prescriptions, on an ordinary Tuesday morning, was so startling I stopped in my tracks and watched for a few minutes. What are they all on? Not BC because many of those lined up were boys or young men. Girls getting multiple Rx are taking something besides the pill.
Same school, same size student body as in my day, thousands upon thousands more drug prescriptions. Makes you wonder....
Stopped in the new CVS on campus and the Rx department is huge, and the lineup of students in their late teens for their prescriptions, on an ordinary Tuesday morning, was so startling I stopped in my tracks and watched for a few minutes. What are they all on? Not BC because many of those lined up were boys or young men. Girls getting multiple Rx are taking something besides the pill.
Same school, same size student body as in my day, thousands upon thousands more drug prescriptions. Makes you wonder....
1
The upside to letting your children roam is debatable but the downside if something happens is tragic. It's a no-brainier. But agreed that the government should stay out of the decision.
1
Mr. Wergin, welcome indeed to the land of the free. You will find many freedoms you took for granted back home in Europe to be sharply curtailed here in the United States, as I did when I moved here years ago. You mention parents arraigned for letting their kids walk home from the park - that is just one example. Don't leave them in the car in the parking lot of supermarket while you run in for a gallon of milk, or you might find yourself arrested when you come back out.
As summer approaches, try opening a bottle of wine at a picnic in the park and see what happens. Follow traffic signs and speed limits religiously, since they are ruthlessly enforced by the ever-present personnel of "law enforcement" (note, mind you, not "police" but "enforcers of the law" - there's quite a difference in philosophy right there). A friend of mine was once fined $170 for not coming to a complete stop at a Stop sign at 6:15 am in her cul-de-sac neighborhood. The only people on the road were her and the cop.
But if you want to buy an assault rifle -- go right ahead. Just hope a deranged neighbor doesn't do the same and go on a rampage when you or your family are around.
Yes, it's the land of the free (to a certain, if strange extent).
As summer approaches, try opening a bottle of wine at a picnic in the park and see what happens. Follow traffic signs and speed limits religiously, since they are ruthlessly enforced by the ever-present personnel of "law enforcement" (note, mind you, not "police" but "enforcers of the law" - there's quite a difference in philosophy right there). A friend of mine was once fined $170 for not coming to a complete stop at a Stop sign at 6:15 am in her cul-de-sac neighborhood. The only people on the road were her and the cop.
But if you want to buy an assault rifle -- go right ahead. Just hope a deranged neighbor doesn't do the same and go on a rampage when you or your family are around.
Yes, it's the land of the free (to a certain, if strange extent).
6
My thought is that the 24 hour news cycle, and competition between the news outlets, is at least partly responsible for the change in many parents' perception of what's safe for their kids.
I'm another person who grew up riding the NY subways by myself, going to the park with friends but no adult, riding my bike everywhere, etc. etc. I have to think that crimes against children happened back then too, the difference being we rarely heard about them.
Now, if a crime against a child happens anywhere in the country we're bound to hear about it on the news. It's hard to keep in perspective how infinitesimally small the likelihood is that the same crime will happen to our kid(s).
As a parent and grandparent, I have to hope that we can let our children and grandchildren do some roaming these days and in the future, for their benefit, and without us being accused of child neglect.
I'm another person who grew up riding the NY subways by myself, going to the park with friends but no adult, riding my bike everywhere, etc. etc. I have to think that crimes against children happened back then too, the difference being we rarely heard about them.
Now, if a crime against a child happens anywhere in the country we're bound to hear about it on the news. It's hard to keep in perspective how infinitesimally small the likelihood is that the same crime will happen to our kid(s).
As a parent and grandparent, I have to hope that we can let our children and grandchildren do some roaming these days and in the future, for their benefit, and without us being accused of child neglect.
3
As a parent and now grandparent I see things through three sets of eyes. My parents, mine and my kids. I definitely feel kids are over programed and this causes less free time to be kids. We also live differently. Even though in the 50's we were a two car family, I walked or rode my bike. Even my pathologically over protective mother gave us a free zone that today's parents would find huge. Today walking to school, to the park etc is unheard of. Part of this is the Cul-de-sac world we created.
But in the some of the "old neighborhoods" where kids played, urban blight and gang culture can pervade. Its not the old man in the trench coat, he is, was, and will always be there, but the slightly older kid looking to recruit and indoctrinate the younger ones into nihilistic turf wars.
Simply put if you live in a safe area, where neighbors are not afraid to be involved, then you get the same boogeymen. If you don't well then maybe the range in not that free.
But in the some of the "old neighborhoods" where kids played, urban blight and gang culture can pervade. Its not the old man in the trench coat, he is, was, and will always be there, but the slightly older kid looking to recruit and indoctrinate the younger ones into nihilistic turf wars.
Simply put if you live in a safe area, where neighbors are not afraid to be involved, then you get the same boogeymen. If you don't well then maybe the range in not that free.
I would admit that the 24 hour media cycle has created a fear-based approach to child rearing. I was brought up in a generation allowed to roam --- be home for dinner---and there was no thought given to the kinds of statistically insignificant horrors we see on CNN. I allowed my own children to roam, but, now I have fallen to an outlier mentality with my grandchildren ---I look like a secret service agent when I walk them to the park.
2
In the 1970s, at the age of 14, I was kidnapped by a stranger on a street in northern Bergen County, NJ.
I escaped, he was caught, and the legal system dealt with him. It was terrifying having children of my own. But my childhood was filled with days passed in the woods with my dog, lazy summer mornings riding my bike a few miles to the lake, and hours on the beach with friends at the shore. I had to fight my inner self to allow my children the small freedoms so important to their developing self confidence. It was bruising, but they ventured out no worse for wear and have fond memories to show for it. I now worry for my grandchildren, but it's more like letting go when they are ready to pedal a two wheel bike on their own; you hold your breath in fear, only to end up cheering their success.
I escaped, he was caught, and the legal system dealt with him. It was terrifying having children of my own. But my childhood was filled with days passed in the woods with my dog, lazy summer mornings riding my bike a few miles to the lake, and hours on the beach with friends at the shore. I had to fight my inner self to allow my children the small freedoms so important to their developing self confidence. It was bruising, but they ventured out no worse for wear and have fond memories to show for it. I now worry for my grandchildren, but it's more like letting go when they are ready to pedal a two wheel bike on their own; you hold your breath in fear, only to end up cheering their success.
3
For a great discussion on this subject, read: A Country Called Childhood: Children and the Exuberant World, by Jay Griffiths, published this past November. I read it after reading about it in a NY Times book review, and it was great. It explains a lot about the topic that Mr. Wergin is writing about today.
There are 258 comments before mine which I haven't read, so if someone has already mentioned, it, sorry for the duplication.
There are 258 comments before mine which I haven't read, so if someone has already mentioned, it, sorry for the duplication.
3
There is a compromise, it's not just suffocation & TV or free range. While I am protective of my daughter, I do not want her to stay stuck inside all day, so I make a tremendous effort to take her outdoors (even though I live in a big city) I take her to parks, play grounds, the zoo, and in the summer to outdoor water parks, where she can run around (while I keep an eye on her).
Growing up in Queens, I always had my core group of friends around to play ball, go to the movies or Alexanders department store, take the subway into Manhattan for a Rangers game, or just sit on someone's stoop shooting the breeze on a summer night. My parents trusted this group of boys, even though we got into our share of trouble. The author pointed out a key factor -- no children on the street playing or "calling on" their friends by yelling up at their windows to come out and play. Additionally, many parents do not wish to meet or know their neighbors outside of a nod in the driveway before they go to work -- if you don't get to know them, you will not trust them or their children.
It is appalling that government services hover around just like helicopter parents to snatch kids away from any situation where there is not a pair of eyes on them. The world outside the bubble is so challenging, and once kids have to face the world and handle situations on their own, they will be ill-equipped to do so.
This is not a "remember when" comment. I simply urge parents to help expand their kids' social network outside of supervised play and a computer in the room. There is strength and safety in numbers.
It is appalling that government services hover around just like helicopter parents to snatch kids away from any situation where there is not a pair of eyes on them. The world outside the bubble is so challenging, and once kids have to face the world and handle situations on their own, they will be ill-equipped to do so.
This is not a "remember when" comment. I simply urge parents to help expand their kids' social network outside of supervised play and a computer in the room. There is strength and safety in numbers.
2
Children are no longer allowed to grow up with their own day to day experiences. They are raised by parents who design and control those experiences. Their excuse is fear, but they are focused on their own design of what their child will grow into for the parents' sake.
4
My wife is a child of abuse, in different ways both at the hands of her parents and of a trusted family friend. My own childhood experience was filled with episodes of walking to or from school and getting "jumped" by thugs who somehow found objection to having a Jew in their midst (and no, I was wore no yarmulke or gave any other outside sign of my religion - I wasn't tattooed like some of my relatives). Knowing that such things can and do happen makes you look at everyone who comes near your kids through that lens.
Our job is to get our kids to the point of being healthy, rational, self-sufficient adults. As I told my daughter this morning - your job is to be alive to bury me. The converse is a situation too horrible to contemplate. So, I'll keep a weather eye over our kids until such time as they're strong enough to stand alone.
Our job is to get our kids to the point of being healthy, rational, self-sufficient adults. As I told my daughter this morning - your job is to be alive to bury me. The converse is a situation too horrible to contemplate. So, I'll keep a weather eye over our kids until such time as they're strong enough to stand alone.
5
I think these are the same people who feel we need a nanny government to watch over us.
I think it comes from insecurity in themselves.
I think it comes from insecurity in themselves.
3
"Most are horrified by the idea that their children might roam around without adult supervision." That, unfortunately, is a poor reflection on the parents' basic abilities. Roaming around without your parents is the whole point of being a child! A parent's job is to manage to macro environment, then step back and give the child room to grow at his/her own pace. So, for example, fresh out of grad school, I never took a job in a large city where salaries might be higher. Why? Because my wife and I wanted to raise our children in a semi-rural environment, a world without fences, speeding cars, paved everything, high crime. A world with big yards, dirt roads, friendly farm animals, ponds, streams, local stores where the proprietor knew who everyone's children were by name, etc. A place where kids could be kids, ride their bikes with their friends after school, and tell us about their day's adventures at the dinner table. Just as we were raised by our parents. Of course we taught them specific skills they wouldn't be able to master on their own- swimming, camping, backpacking, skiing, sailing, canoeing, kayaking. etc. Why does this basic concept seem so hard to grasp for so many adults?
2
I grew up outside NYC in the '60's and I was groped on the street, had a hand put under my skirt on an escalator in a posh department store, and had other run ins with not so nice people. That is how you learn how to handle yourself in the world. I am a single parent of a boy and girl who are now in their twenties, and although they grew up in the suburbs of Boston, I encouraged them as young teenagers to take public transportation into the city. Children need to explore their world without us so they can become competent. Every kid should eat a pound of dirt and be free range. It's good for them.
3
I'd like to implant a GPS device and a distress sensor into my daughter and then let her have only a little less autonomy than what I had. She can take it out when she's 25.
1
As a former university teacher I have seen the over-protective parenting continue into late adolescence. New freshmen at orientation and first semester registration spend much too much time on their phones talking to their parents than listening to the presentations by faculty, staff and older students regarding class choices and freshmen activities. They need to start making their own decisions and stop relying on "Daddy". I suspect this lack of independence is a direct result of the "helicopter parenting" under which they have been reared.
When I was a kid, those of us who lived in the neighborhood went out to play, together, unsupervised, for the better part of the day on weekends. Often in the undeveloped area bordering our street, or on the construction sires of new houses. (Houses in the wood-frame stage were the best: you could run straight though the house and leap the foundation pit to the lawn on the other side.)
All our parents would be arrested for neglect today. I'm glad I grew up back then.
All our parents would be arrested for neglect today. I'm glad I grew up back then.
2
Who wants to be the next Madeleine McCann; who was abducted while her professional parents left her in a safe apartment, fifty feet away from where they were having dinner?
2
I am 63. On rainy days, I took the public bus by myself to kindergarten. My four siblings and I (in Columbus, Ohio) roamed freely. On summer days, we'd be gone all day long - to the park, playing outside on our dead-end street with all the other kids. We wrote plays and put them on in one neighbor's yard. My mother did not even WANT us around, she wanted us outside.
My daughter, 28, had the same experience. She roamed alone early, especially in the fields behind our house (now taken by development).
We both learned to love nature by being in it as kids. It's such a sad thing, maybe a tragedy actually for all of us, that today's kids grow up in front of screens inside a house or school. They won't love and conserve nature if they know nothing about it, if they haven't really explored it. So so sad. Not just for the kids now, but for our future as a species.
My daughter, 28, had the same experience. She roamed alone early, especially in the fields behind our house (now taken by development).
We both learned to love nature by being in it as kids. It's such a sad thing, maybe a tragedy actually for all of us, that today's kids grow up in front of screens inside a house or school. They won't love and conserve nature if they know nothing about it, if they haven't really explored it. So so sad. Not just for the kids now, but for our future as a species.
6
1. This isn't the 1950's or 1960's -- culture, economy, and the requirements for maintaining a family are very different now.
2. The US is not Germany and never will be. Germany is essentially a single culture with a single shared heritage.
3. Urban living compared to rural living are very different situations. The potential ways to get into trouble are much higher in cities.
4. There is no empirical, long-term evidence wither way that "free range" parenting has any effect on positive outcomes.
2. The US is not Germany and never will be. Germany is essentially a single culture with a single shared heritage.
3. Urban living compared to rural living are very different situations. The potential ways to get into trouble are much higher in cities.
4. There is no empirical, long-term evidence wither way that "free range" parenting has any effect on positive outcomes.
3
The best way to protect kids and yet not stifle their natural inclination to explore is to teach them to PAY ATTENTION when they are outside. That means only using their iphones for brief communications (not playtime), and otherwise being calmly attentive to their surroundings. They should not be afraid to alert a nearby stranger if there is something strange going on. Other options are to walk calmly in another direction or go into the nearest public building and describe your concern to an attendant. I taught my grandchildren these techniques when they were kids, and today they are confident free-ranging young adults.
2
I have 2 boys, one almost 5 and the other almost 2. My 4 year old is, personality-wise, extremely responsible and mature. I would have no problem letting him walk to the playground in our neighborhood by himself or wait in the car (if the weather is nice) while I drop off the dry cleaning, EXCEPT for the fact that I'm terrified somebody is going to call the police on me. As such, he does indeed spend most of his time at home, and I hate it! When I was a kid I freely biked and wandered around my neighborhood, alone or with friends my age. I have few memories of playing in the house, most are outside enjoying myself with company. It makes me sad that my son is home with no one but me and his baby brother playing with the same toys over and over again. But the idea of some stranger taking an anonymous picture that leads to cops taking my kids from me terrifies me, and I wish I could just say I was being paranoid. Society is sick, not necessarily the parents.
110
As a free-range child in a homey suburb in the 1940s, there were lots of stay-at home moms to keep a subtle eye on things going on the the neighborhood. Despite that I was molested outdoors by older neighborhood boys. I never told anyone, just carried the scars for years. I wonder how many other stories like mine are out there. I also wonder if the reduction in stranger abductions could be a result of increased adult supervision. Wiithout overly restricting them, we need to keep our children safe.
1
What "reduction" in stranger abductions?
As a pediatrician I have been making this argument for years. in addition, by teaching a child that they are not safe unless accompanied by an adult they are giving to them a world view that raises the childs intrinsic levels of anxiety. incorrect risk assessment is part of the problem, but what is lacking is an understanding of what childhood is for. it is not for lovely memories (though surely they come) but for young humans to discover the tools they need to grow and thrive and to find the competence to get on with their lives.
135
Independence, good judgment, street smarts and common sense are developed over time through practice. It starts with asking a child to take a plate of cookies solo to a neighbor they know (ring the bell, do not go in the house), playing outside in their own yard and later riding their bike around the neighborhood. Talking and even play-acting possible situations (someone in a car asking for directions for example), gives them tools to use to protect themselves. A friend went shopping with her 10 year-old daughter who wanted to look in a store, a small boutique. She waited outside by the door, she was fostering what I call "controlled independence." All said, every situation - neighborhood, route to the playground and to friends' houses are different. Parents need to use their judgment accessing the actual dangers and the maturity of their child and need to allow independence accordingly.
3
Some parents have too much anxiety to be able to make that judgement.
1
This is a very grey situation indeed. One fact left out of almost every opinion piece is that police got involved after the children were seen crossing an very busy intersection -- I believe two six-lane roads meet. It's more like crossing a highway with a stoplight.
Crime is down, protective parents are up. Childhood injuries, particularly car crashing into each other or pedestrians, are the number one killer of kids. We can't compare ourselves to Europe where people drive less, and dare I say better than in U.S.
Law enforcement in Silver Spring, MD, is busy. There are gangs. There are guns. There is real crime. If the cops were concerned about the welfare of these kids, I think the parents should be too.
Crime is down, protective parents are up. Childhood injuries, particularly car crashing into each other or pedestrians, are the number one killer of kids. We can't compare ourselves to Europe where people drive less, and dare I say better than in U.S.
Law enforcement in Silver Spring, MD, is busy. There are gangs. There are guns. There is real crime. If the cops were concerned about the welfare of these kids, I think the parents should be too.
2
Here's an irony -- I agree with Mr. Wergin but when my children were little, there were few children to go off adventuring with. Their parents hovered close. So, I created opportunities and made sure I stayed out of the way. For instance, we vacationed yearly at a place where the kids could run for miles without being under their parents' eyes. Mostly, the group we vacationed with agreed that this was a special place where the kids could learn to settle things themselves. We cut them loose. Now that they are grown, they tell us wonderful stories about their experiences there. And, there are some stories they still won't tell. I think their time there molded them into the independent, resourceful people they all are.
1
As a boy, I grew up in the 1940s and I was raised on the author calls "free range parenting". Boy, am I glad I did. I developed problem solving skills, independence, enhanced my creativity, and had the opportunity to make mistakes that I had to clean up myself. I learned to look out for myself and my friends, also learning how to spot an enemy out to do me harm. I had to learn to deal with bullies and did so. It also helped me learn valuable social skills that have served me well over the years. I gained a healthy respect for law enforcement that I would not ever had the opportunity to develop if I were a shut-in as many children of today are treated.
I would not have had as much success in my brief stint in the USMC, my long career in business nor in my long business career, and in launching my children into the world.
Yes, there are dangers out there and there always have been, but the risk is lower than the sensationalistic press wants us to believe.
I would not have had as much success in my brief stint in the USMC, my long career in business nor in my long business career, and in launching my children into the world.
Yes, there are dangers out there and there always have been, but the risk is lower than the sensationalistic press wants us to believe.
2
I knew protected kids who couldn't stray far from home and had every activity organized for them and, far as I know, turned out okay. My brother and I grew up in San Francisco in the '30s and '40s. We were free-range kids and we broke bones, broke rules, got scrapes and into scrapes and wandered without restraint through the neighborhood and the adjoining Golden Gate Park and no one warned us of predators; we hitched rides on streetcars and rode our bikes for miles when we were 7 and 8 without too many mishaps—it scares me now to think of all the disasters that could have befallen us. In short it prepared us for the world we would live in when our parents were no longer around to pick up the pieces.
4
I've not read all the comments, but I think the column and most of them go far too quickly from parental fear to public policy. I was a latch key kid 70 years ago because my single mother had no choice. I had some hair raising experiences, but never with dangerous adults. Parents have a right to deal with their fears and to protect their children. But social service and government agencies are policing their behavior. That seems to me to be bad for the parents, bad for the children, and bad for democracy. Children have a right to live and to experience, with some wise restrictions in place. They may become much wiser that way when they become a little older.
3
By the time I was nine, I was a "Get home before dinner" kid. I can think of no worse thing in my childhood than a bad weather day and having to be home with my parents. The last thing I would do was to invite friends over and have my mother watching our every move and listening to our every word. Maybe there is no room anymore for independent, resourceful, quick-witted people now that we have a nanny-state to watch over us all, with cameras mounted on every lamp post, a black-box in every car, and a GPS tracker in every pocket.
3
What will become of our nation as we come to be led by a generation which was never allowed to grow up, never allowed to practice for life as independent adults?
Childhood is a time to learn from trial and error, when those errors aren't too consequential, and a time to learn to coexist with our peers in an unmediated environment.
No wonder so many adults act like children, they still are.
Childhood is a time to learn from trial and error, when those errors aren't too consequential, and a time to learn to coexist with our peers in an unmediated environment.
No wonder so many adults act like children, they still are.
3
There is something very strange going on here.Children are being raised in a very protective manner to shield them from perceived risks that are very low statisically.The daughters of these same parents are then sent off to college where the perceived risk( accurate or not) that they could be sexually assaulted or raped is 20%.....The correlation between real risk & concominant behaviour changes just seems to be totally out of whack.
1
I think there's a lot of different things at play in today's world.
I'm in my early 20s, so I was sandwiched in between these parenting styles; I remember playing with childhood friends in the woods and traipsing about the neighborhood, but only after I had gone to my scheduled dance lessons/piano lessons/girl scouts/etc.
What I find most troubling is the commentary on today's youth "needing help" to navigate college and that this kind of parenting is causing the phenomenon of "bouncing back".
I called my parents daily in college because I was so worried how we'd manage the enormous cost of it all. People going to college in the '80s certainly didn't face the gravity of that problem. I also called because I went to college in the middle of a terrible recession, caused by the very generation who had parented mine. Safe to say I was pretty anxious about being employed post-college, not because I was mandated to ballet lessons by a helicopter parent.
Oh, and I'm a bounce-back kid, living in my childhood bedroom. Why? Because even though I have a bachelors degree (essential), did a host of unpaid internships (a phenomenon mandated by baby boomers) and was hired in my chosen field three weeks out of college, my starting salary was under 30k/year. I mentioned those student loans, right?
Before you criticize today's youth and tell them that they're awful, sniveling brats, remember that those older than us control the hysterical media, the entertainment industry, the college complex.
I'm in my early 20s, so I was sandwiched in between these parenting styles; I remember playing with childhood friends in the woods and traipsing about the neighborhood, but only after I had gone to my scheduled dance lessons/piano lessons/girl scouts/etc.
What I find most troubling is the commentary on today's youth "needing help" to navigate college and that this kind of parenting is causing the phenomenon of "bouncing back".
I called my parents daily in college because I was so worried how we'd manage the enormous cost of it all. People going to college in the '80s certainly didn't face the gravity of that problem. I also called because I went to college in the middle of a terrible recession, caused by the very generation who had parented mine. Safe to say I was pretty anxious about being employed post-college, not because I was mandated to ballet lessons by a helicopter parent.
Oh, and I'm a bounce-back kid, living in my childhood bedroom. Why? Because even though I have a bachelors degree (essential), did a host of unpaid internships (a phenomenon mandated by baby boomers) and was hired in my chosen field three weeks out of college, my starting salary was under 30k/year. I mentioned those student loans, right?
Before you criticize today's youth and tell them that they're awful, sniveling brats, remember that those older than us control the hysterical media, the entertainment industry, the college complex.
3
I learn something every day; didn't free range have to do with chickens?
Or then again, maybe parents are chicken because they don't allow children much freedom or alone time?
Or then again, maybe parents are chicken because they don't allow children much freedom or alone time?
2
I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area in a much gentler time. We had the ultimate free range experience, with a few people in the neighborhood to steer clear of because they were child molesters, released from jail or prison. I know that there were crimes that went unreported and we kids had to deal with bullies imaginatively (we always did so in groups). It was helpful to be able to run fast. I wouldn't trade that time for anything, and we tried to raise our kids the same way. Still, I can understand the anxiety of parents today... There is a hyper level of media and social media coverage that amplifies any negative event. There is also a much more complex picture of the social restraint that can operate against so-called deviant behavior. There is, fortunately, much less societal tolerance for things like drunk driving and child abuse, and there is much more law enforcement against both. However, there is a certain anonymity at the community level that removes a level of protection for children and can lower the level of informal, community enforcement of acceptable behavior simply because people are much more preoccupied with iPhones, social media, earning money, and all the other modern distractions. Regardless of "comforting" statistics, many parents are consumed with fear. I would hope that we would be free-range parents today, but I understand those who aren't. I pray for courage, tenacity, hope, and joy for all parents, regardless of their choices.
2
Bottom line, a caged family can't support a free-range child. With both parents working full time to achieve the same standard of living that was possible on a single salary 40 years ago, unstructured time to range is a luxury most working families can't afford. If homes are empty from 7 am to 6 pm how can parents and children build independence? Investment in policies that support parents would give families resources to bond more effectively...and to let go.
123
My childhood in N.J. was wonderful, an exploration of woodlands and rivers with my best friend. We played army with the whole neighborhood, running from yard to yard, yelling arguing, laughing. We wondered free, learned to handle things on our own, sometimes the hard way. After moving to Westchester from N.Y.C. with my two boys, I experienced a whole new world. There was a swing set in each yard, but never any kids on them. Gone are the days you knock on a friend's door to see if they can come out and play. "Playdates" have to be arranged and that's if all the other tutorials and piano lessons were done, which they rarely were. I feel this type of life stifles creativity and just takes the fun out of childhood. There seemed to be an incessant need to prepare for adulthood, that superseded any type of "unproductive" playing.
3
A few years ago my children, ages 7 and 11, asked to read in the car (covered parking with temperatures in 70's) while my husband and I ran into the mall for a few errands. When we returned a half an hour later, a security guard was calling the police on us and told us it was illegal to leave children alone if they were under 13. We were able to talk to her and stop her from completing the call but we never did that again. It is not only parents, but also society, which prevents free range children in this country.
4
One of the things that children of today won't have are memories of childhood adventures. I still think back on events of my free-range childhood and they bring a smile to my face. In one of the places we lived the only thing my mother told me I wasn't to do was ride my bike across the big bridge to downtown. One afternoon one of my friends and I decided to do just that. We left our bikes in the alley outside one of the movie theaters and sneaked in as people were coming out of the alley entrance after the first matinee. When I got home later my mother asked me, with a little smirk on her face, how I enjoyed the movie. I was dumbfounded and asked her how she knew I went to the movies. I soon knew. My friend and I exited the movie out the front entrance where a man stood every afternoon interviewing people on a show called "Meet the People."
When I was growing up the biggest fear was "the bomb." The biggest fear today is letting children out of their own backyard without adult supervision. To me, it is one of the worst forms of child neglect disallowing them to learn about the wonders and dangers of life on their own.
When I was growing up the biggest fear was "the bomb." The biggest fear today is letting children out of their own backyard without adult supervision. To me, it is one of the worst forms of child neglect disallowing them to learn about the wonders and dangers of life on their own.
3
When I attended the local grammar school, the crush of kids walking in small packs in the morning and afternoon was great. We'd shout across the street to each other "See ya tomorrow!" Now it's all about cars lining up in the morning and afternoon by parents who live within blocks of the school. And we did not have cell phones capable of snapping pics of anyone who bothered us.
On the other hand, you have to remember that there are many crazies in the world and the poor parent who decides that their child is perfectly capable of walking the 10 blocks home from school in the afternoon may be reported to the police or CPS by one of these crazies. Untangling oneself from a mess like that is not desirable so some parents who ordinarily would let their kids walk alone say no for that reason.
The result is empty streets, devoid of kids freely playing and walking so the single child walking alone raises an eyebrow. The judgmental among us who know what's best for everyone will regale us with individual stories of abductions and use that as justification for accompanying kids everywhere. More thought ought be given to the lasting ramifications of having kids unable to walk a block or two alone without fear.
My sister did not let her son go anywhere unaccompanied. When he was about 11, she was not feeling well and needed juice. He was terrified to walk a single block to the store alone. So she called me and I brought it over. I don't see that as healthy.
On the other hand, you have to remember that there are many crazies in the world and the poor parent who decides that their child is perfectly capable of walking the 10 blocks home from school in the afternoon may be reported to the police or CPS by one of these crazies. Untangling oneself from a mess like that is not desirable so some parents who ordinarily would let their kids walk alone say no for that reason.
The result is empty streets, devoid of kids freely playing and walking so the single child walking alone raises an eyebrow. The judgmental among us who know what's best for everyone will regale us with individual stories of abductions and use that as justification for accompanying kids everywhere. More thought ought be given to the lasting ramifications of having kids unable to walk a block or two alone without fear.
My sister did not let her son go anywhere unaccompanied. When he was about 11, she was not feeling well and needed juice. He was terrified to walk a single block to the store alone. So she called me and I brought it over. I don't see that as healthy.
5
I spent entire days in the 50's roaming the neighborhood, playing in a vacant lot or hiding out somewhere. We came home for lunch if we did not have another option or we came home when we were tired, but were always home by supper time. If we were within earshot we'd hear a whistle. My own kids in the 80's and 90's were also free to play outside and wander around the neighborhood. Kidnapping and "bad guys" existed; we just didn't let the idea of it control us.
Fear that exists today is a result of TV programming and media, including the internet where there is twenty-four hour talk of all sorts of tales, not just those about kids. This has stoked up the gun culture fears asserting their "need" for guns as well as the fear of the gun culture. It has created and refined hover-craft parenting and developed it further into a police/government watch over parents themselves. Of course there are things we should be cautious and vigilant about. Our kids are our most precious resource. How will this generation learn to think for themselves experiment, explore and imagine if someone is always on guard projecting fear and limits? Creativity - our greatest asset in the US - is born of freedom.
Constant fear doe not equate to living in a free country. Fear is an equal tyranny to any government restrictions. Now fear has created a police culture where a parent can be arrested for giving their child some freedom. That should make us all afraid...be very afraid.
Fear that exists today is a result of TV programming and media, including the internet where there is twenty-four hour talk of all sorts of tales, not just those about kids. This has stoked up the gun culture fears asserting their "need" for guns as well as the fear of the gun culture. It has created and refined hover-craft parenting and developed it further into a police/government watch over parents themselves. Of course there are things we should be cautious and vigilant about. Our kids are our most precious resource. How will this generation learn to think for themselves experiment, explore and imagine if someone is always on guard projecting fear and limits? Creativity - our greatest asset in the US - is born of freedom.
Constant fear doe not equate to living in a free country. Fear is an equal tyranny to any government restrictions. Now fear has created a police culture where a parent can be arrested for giving their child some freedom. That should make us all afraid...be very afraid.
5
As one of six "free range" kids in the late 50's to 60's our family rule was we had to be in our own yard when the street lights came on. No watch required. And my father's whistle could be heard for blocks. We were without adults at our side but rarely alone. We even sat in a car in the summer in Oklahoma and Texas while Mom went into the store. Of course the windows were down (no a/c) and we were sitting out on the windows pounding out music on the roof. It would have required a very crazed individual to have approached us.
7
In Fairbanks, Alaska, I was fed breakfast and then not expected or even wanted home until dinner from the ages of 7-12.
5
I had a similar childhood in rural California (in the 70s). We went out after breakfast, came in for lunch and unless it was too hot out we went out again after lunch.
1
Of course childhood abductions are down. Parents have been mch more protective in the last decades. It is like those people that share the image that says "I survived bicycling without a helmet and not wearing a seatbelt". Those are one of the lucky ones. The laws were enacted because there were thousands more children killed without them.
There are many ways to teach children responsibility and give them freedom of choice without putting them at risk. Allowing them do things they are not prepared to handle is not giving them freedom, it is negligent. Walking back and forth is not the issue. I am talking about their ability to fight off a predator. It is not their fault they are not strong enough and even if you have discussed how they should respond in these scenarios, they are still children. Predators are adult expert manipulators. I would LOVE to be able to let my daughter run around outside and explore on her own. And I know she would get wonderful things from the experience. But I find it immature to believe the benefit is worth the risk. I am sorry but free-range parents do this for their own vanity - to be able to be cool and say uncool parents are paranoid. This is not about the parent. Chances are nothing horrible will happen to their child. But is it responsible to gamble with the child's life or innocence to prove a point? What will those parents say if it does happen? "I didn't think it would happen to mine" just like with everyone else who makes such decisions.
There are many ways to teach children responsibility and give them freedom of choice without putting them at risk. Allowing them do things they are not prepared to handle is not giving them freedom, it is negligent. Walking back and forth is not the issue. I am talking about their ability to fight off a predator. It is not their fault they are not strong enough and even if you have discussed how they should respond in these scenarios, they are still children. Predators are adult expert manipulators. I would LOVE to be able to let my daughter run around outside and explore on her own. And I know she would get wonderful things from the experience. But I find it immature to believe the benefit is worth the risk. I am sorry but free-range parents do this for their own vanity - to be able to be cool and say uncool parents are paranoid. This is not about the parent. Chances are nothing horrible will happen to their child. But is it responsible to gamble with the child's life or innocence to prove a point? What will those parents say if it does happen? "I didn't think it would happen to mine" just like with everyone else who makes such decisions.
3
Thank you for your op-ed piece. I allow my son a lot of geographic autonomy. We moved to a newly built housing development about a year ago, so everyone's new to the neighborhood. A fair number of other parents were initially uncomfortable with my son's autonomy, but -- based on my son inviting their kids to go places with him -- have expanded the area their own kids can travel freely. I love the positive peer pressure that my free-range son is bringing to the neighborhood through his own responsible behavior!
2
A better title might be: The Case for Living In Berlin!
4
Unsubstantiated child neglect? How can anyone be guilty of such a thing. Surely by definition there is no crime. Repeatedly the American way seems to be to run away from life. I'm glad that Berliners still show spirit. Perhaps if we took more care in our infrastructure, such as affordable public transport then more of our children would get out of the house and open their eyes instead of being encouraged to resort to the idiot's lantern.
5
Parents are watching too many episodes of Criminal Minds, Law and Order, NCIS and the list goes on and on and on. Their fears of abduction or harm are unfounded and I know that the wonders of childhood controlled through adult eyes and supervision are lost for a whole generation.
One of my fondest memories of my childhood wonder and innocence today is sitting on a city sidewalk by myself and watching the slow deliberate movement of a catepillar inching itself up an oak tree. It seemed hours to me. Probably five minutes longer than usual on my way home from school--but my choice, my memory and one that I am certain that an adult rushing me to soccer practice wouldn't have had.
One of my fondest memories of my childhood wonder and innocence today is sitting on a city sidewalk by myself and watching the slow deliberate movement of a catepillar inching itself up an oak tree. It seemed hours to me. Probably five minutes longer than usual on my way home from school--but my choice, my memory and one that I am certain that an adult rushing me to soccer practice wouldn't have had.
5
I call it information overload. Before 24-hr news coverage of everything from everywhere, if you lived in one state or community, you did not hear about something that happened in another state or community, unless it was of national importance. Now we know it all, everything, from everywhere, 24/7. When I had 2 small children - about 23 years ago - I mentioned to someone that I was going to the mall with them. The woman was horrified. Didn't I know that they snatched small children at the mall? And took them to the bathroom and quickly dyed their hair and changed their clothes to spirit them out of the mall to do with - whatever? I was actually too shocked to reply. Words just failed me. I don't have the capacity to think in those terms. My kids grew up to be fine adults, despite the many dangers I obviously put them through. My advice is: turn off that TV. It truly removes people from reality.
5
My husband allowed our 7 y.o. to walk home from the mall by himself. It would have taken all of 20 minutes. There were traffic police manning every intersection he would have had to cross. Additionally, our school district permits children as young as 7 to walk to school alone for distances which can be greater than that from the mall.
My husband was arrested and charged with recklessness.
Then followed a year of court dates and wrangling with the legal system. I wanted to go to trial, but my husband pled guilty to end the process.
Is it any wonder there exists a subset of parents prevented from free ranging their children by fear of state prosecution rather than fear of predators?
My husband was arrested and charged with recklessness.
Then followed a year of court dates and wrangling with the legal system. I wanted to go to trial, but my husband pled guilty to end the process.
Is it any wonder there exists a subset of parents prevented from free ranging their children by fear of state prosecution rather than fear of predators?
265
I and my 4 daughters grew up in an age when fewer child predators were around, or we were too naive to realize they existed. But my 10 grandchildren are never without adults present when in public, for one simple reason: we do not want them raped, kidnapped, killed. Mr. Wergin, you are way off base. I, too, wish children could roam as they once did, but the world has become far too dangerous. I add, child predators once convicted should never ever be allowed out of prison, for the always repeat their crimes. And a "sex offender" list is a joke.
Not true, as the article correctly states, the world is actually safer now than when we were kids.
1
The article has some merits but there are introductory arguments that are weak. Only 115 kidnappings? 115 too many, whether by strangers or family. And comparing this statistic with the number of deaths in traffic accidents? Ridiculous.
2
Try having a child with special needs. This eradicates the possibility of a free-range childhood. No easy solutions...
Self evident.
Being found "guilty" of unsubstantiated child neglect actually means the charges were unsubstantiated and therefore no neglect is found. However, I do agree with much of the author's premise.
4
I have two children of my own and am a lawyer who has represented children for over 10 years in the court system. Indoor, overprotective parenting is a way for bad parents (who drink, use drugs, ignore their children, don't save for college or spend the college money on a divorce) to feel like good parents by doing very little or nothing.
2
Most harm that comes to children is at the hands of parents, or other people that are known to the children. Child abuse, neglect and even murder is most often perpetrated by a parent, and this cuts across race, class and ethnic origin. Although movies and books use the fear of the harmful stranger to make their plots more exciting, in reality, children are actually in more danger at home. We pretend to be a child-loving society, but statistics show that we are not. Almost every day, somewhere in America a child is harmed in some way by someone that should be loving and protecting them. It's a myth that American homes are places of safety for many children. Lots of children are actually safer on the streets, mingling with strangers.
5
Mr. Wergin, while I wholeheartedly agree with your column. I will warn you of the dangers of expressing your opinion in this country. The idea of freedom of speech is just that an idea. I immigrated here 20+ years ago on the verge of teenage-hood from Eastern Europe. And what I have seen is the lack of honesty, understanding, and judgement spread like a stage 4 cancer throughout the United States. I have met few people that can listen to you, know you and respect you for who you are. Most just listen for a word, a thought, an action that they can use against you or feel superior about. I am still bewildered at the amount of rational comments I read on the NYT every day. I often wonder where these people are in real life? Hiding from the rest of society that is too busy staring at their Facebook posts scathing those that are different, or God forbid better in anyway. I was lucky enough to meet and marry someone with similar views that is a native, that is rare. The complex of superiority is the ultimate stem of the Helicopter Parent problem.
4
Why the hesitancy for free range parenting?
Perhaps parents realize that in many of the residential areas today there are no alleys available for playtime.
Perhaps parents realize that in many of the residential areas today there are no alleys available for playtime.
In 1956, as an 11-year-old on my second visit to New
York, I was given free run of Manhattan by my aunt and
uncle. Now, as a non-parent uninformed about trends
in parenting, recent news accounts of police picking up freely
roaming kids read like dispatches from some weird, distant planet.
York, I was given free run of Manhattan by my aunt and
uncle. Now, as a non-parent uninformed about trends
in parenting, recent news accounts of police picking up freely
roaming kids read like dispatches from some weird, distant planet.
2
"Traffic-safe" suburban Washington? If you really live in suburban Washington, I don't think you'd describe it as traffic safe. In my childhood in a small Midwestern town, we were free to roam. There's nothing better. But that lifestyle for children just isn't an option in the 21st century in suburban Washington. Not too far from the shopping mall in Silver Spring, 2 young girls were kidnapped off the street in the 1970s. The police are digging in fields around a farmhouse in Virginia still today, looking for their remains.
1
Most NYC kids are taking the subway or transit bus starting at the age of 12. They are MTA transit pass kids. They are dealing with crowds, break-downs, weird folks and sometimes bad people. But they also have a tremendous amount of freedom to explore.
2
"You're doing it wrong" is the message parents recieve no matter how they raise their children. This has always been the case. When kids (middle class white kids) were roaming free in the 70's and 80's the horror of the latch-key kid was bemoaned. Now the children of those latch-key kids have afterschool care and are more scheduled and it's the end of the world.
I feel confident that todays youth will be just fine and as they grow and have families of their own they will figure out new ways to do it all wrong.
I feel confident that todays youth will be just fine and as they grow and have families of their own they will figure out new ways to do it all wrong.
4
I had freedom to roam the streets as a child also.
1
I'm 22 years old. My parents did a somewhat "free range" parenting. I grew up in the suburbs where my mom would let me ride my bike around and explore the surrounding woods as long as I didn't leave that area. There were very busy intersections and streets and careless drivers. I rode my bike to my friends houses all over the neighborhood and would give her a call to let her know when I got there. When I got to college, I had a random roommate and I suggested on our first night that we "go explore" the community. She immediately responded with, "Do you think that's safe?" Of course it's safe. I laughed at the fact that so many of my friends parents had their kids brainwashed into thinking that they can't go out at night to just explore. My roommate now can't even decide what she wants for dinner because her mom and dad made every decision for her. We need to let kids embrace themselves and discover who they are. This country is not a dangerous place if you use your brain. I'm very glad that my parents let me run around my neighborhood, without shoes on! (Heaven forbid!)
4
Etan Patz"..the day that child disappeared around 30 years ago, just walking down the street near his home, every present and future parent in the USA lost a little (or a lot) of their ability to let their child roam free in the neighborhood, even if the odds are so much in favor of our kids coming home safely.
We remember taking the bus, alone, at 8 years old in Wisconsin. Not now. We would walk to the beach by ourselves as youngsters. Not now.
My children are older now...late 20's. Fortunately for them and us, they grew up in a neighborhood that enabled us to be somewhat more relaxed than perhaps other areas re letting our kids "roam". But somehow we cannot completely forget that beautiful, trusting face of that little boy...it has scared, and scarred, every parent since then.
However,
We remember taking the bus, alone, at 8 years old in Wisconsin. Not now. We would walk to the beach by ourselves as youngsters. Not now.
My children are older now...late 20's. Fortunately for them and us, they grew up in a neighborhood that enabled us to be somewhat more relaxed than perhaps other areas re letting our kids "roam". But somehow we cannot completely forget that beautiful, trusting face of that little boy...it has scared, and scarred, every parent since then.
However,
1
Do you seriously think children didn't disappear years ago, or even centuries ago? If anything, the problem was worse in Victorian London or New York,, which was thronged with 'street urchins'.
What has changed is the media saturation. Things that previous generations would never have known about now assume an immediacy and proximity, thanks to the media bringing them into the living room 24/7. 100 years ago no one outside his neighbourhood would have heard of Etan Patz.
Another factor is 'that *beautiful* little boy'. Etan Patz and Caylee Anthony were photogenic, so the media seized on them. God help you if your kid disappears and isn't 'cute'.
What has changed is the media saturation. Things that previous generations would never have known about now assume an immediacy and proximity, thanks to the media bringing them into the living room 24/7. 100 years ago no one outside his neighbourhood would have heard of Etan Patz.
Another factor is 'that *beautiful* little boy'. Etan Patz and Caylee Anthony were photogenic, so the media seized on them. God help you if your kid disappears and isn't 'cute'.
1
Long ago I grew up it Ft. Worth, 3 miles east of the Stockyards with the river bottoms between. My parents only let me roam up to two blocks from the direct line between elementary school and home up until about 9 or 10. "But never ever ever go down into the river bottoms". But the woods in the river bottoms were so enticing. Finally, at 11 or so, they said "OK, you can go to the river bottoms but ONLY if you go with one of your older friends with a bb gun". The worry, of course, was not people, but rattlesnakes. How things change!
1
I lived in a variety of places growing up, city, suburb, ex-urb, and I always was out and about after school and on weekends. I took the bus downtown alone at age 9, with instructions from my mother to tell the bus driver where I was going. Before school-age, I could play in my yard with siblings or walk to visit a friend's house - where I was expected. My children lived in suburban, ex-urban and then a small town in a metro area, and they had the same kinds of experiences I did. My oldest grandchild lives in a city, is a pre-schooler, and walks to school or to a friend's house with Mom. If they remain where they are living, I'll be curious to see whether they will give her the freedom to visit her nearby friends' homes on her own, or walk to the neighborhood market a few blocks away for a loaf of bread - as I used to long ago. I suspect they will because they know their neighbors, and their neighbors know them. Their house has a big front porch, as do their neighbors' houses, and they sit out in good weather and talk to neighbors who are out for walks. Their neighborhood has a casual monthly gathering at a particular time on a Friday evening at the same quiet intersection to just meet, talk and let the kids run a bit. They learned of it within a day or two of moving in although I doubt they can attend that often because of their work schedules. It says a lot about the neighborhood that they value the face-to-face contact and sense of welcoming that gathering provides.
1
I was certainly a "free-range" kid growing up, as were my own children. But my grandchildren? I pick them up at school. It's not because I live so far, but because they are small and those backpacks they carry--filled with books and other homework--have to weigh at least thirty pounds. The third grader comes out of school so bent over with it that he can hardly walk. And he won't let me carry it for him. No, he's a "big kid." But I can't imagine him walking the mile to my house under it.
4
It is hard to be a parent. It feels like you have the weight of the world placed at your feet and instead of love and support from society, you get hostility and bad role modeling (in the media). America needs to bring back the sense of community and shared common values for the sake of all. What do we have in common any more, besides a hyped attention and respect for diversity? Is that all we are? Are we allowed to have norms? Where are the idealized standards of behavior exhibited other then in the constant scolding of parents? Perhaps we should have a more positive agenda then this.
3
I grew up in New York City in the 1970s and was making my way around the city - to school, to friends' apartments, to the playgrounds and the parks - by myself from the age of 8 on. It was no big deal, just the ordinary way of things. Also absolutely taken for granted: the danger. I was assaulted by a gang of boys in a playground opposite the Met at age nine, punched in the face on a bus at Lex and 85th at age 12, robbed at knifepoint just off Fifth Avenue at age 16, molested in an elevator at the Society Library at age 16...I was streetwise, determined, savvy, but you know it actually is a big world out there and there really are people who intend to do a person harm, particularly a young girl, who is never going to be a match for a predator, no matter how street-smart she is. It never even occurred to me that these were unusual experiences to have had until I left NYC and met people who had grown up other places and they didn't have the same stories. I don't know what the answer is here, but I would caution against underestimating the perils posed by the world to a girl on the brink of adolescence. It's just not as safe - and it never has been - as we might want it to be.
170
And the solution is to lock children inside the house?
The best way for young people to experience the world is in groups, as there is safety in numbers.
The best way for young people to experience the world is in groups, as there is safety in numbers.
1
Kids today undoubtedly suffer from a combination of not-enough freedom and too much adult supervision.
But it is important to keep in mind that not all this is due to patently paranoia.
A couple of decades ago, kids finished school, came home, and went out to play. Especially in the elementary grades, kids didn't have hours of homework. Or sports teams and other activities that consisted of being shuttled from one place to another.
And because lots of kids came home from school and then went out to play, there were other kids to play with. Neighborhoods were not the child-free ghost towns they often appear today.
There were also more parents, especially mothers at home. So a child out playing by his or herself had other houses to go to, where there were friends, and known, friendly adults close at hand.
It's not just parents that have changed. It's schools, neighborhoods, households, and activities. And all those things make a big difference.
But it is important to keep in mind that not all this is due to patently paranoia.
A couple of decades ago, kids finished school, came home, and went out to play. Especially in the elementary grades, kids didn't have hours of homework. Or sports teams and other activities that consisted of being shuttled from one place to another.
And because lots of kids came home from school and then went out to play, there were other kids to play with. Neighborhoods were not the child-free ghost towns they often appear today.
There were also more parents, especially mothers at home. So a child out playing by his or herself had other houses to go to, where there were friends, and known, friendly adults close at hand.
It's not just parents that have changed. It's schools, neighborhoods, households, and activities. And all those things make a big difference.
12
You seem to think that you know how to parent. The way you do it is the RIGHT way. WOW, what a fortunate place to be, to never question your decision. What if you are wrong, seems that doesn't enter your thinking.
3
On my first day of kindergarten, in September 1948, my mother walked me to Somerset School in North Plainfield, NJ. On the second day I insisted I walk myself. And I did, 2 1/2 blocks. I was soon joined by a friend, who remains my best friend to this day. Looking back on it though, I found out years later, when we were adults, that she had been "bothered" more than once by a neighborhood man, or boy, and there were dangers out there. I was, possibly, less vulnerable than my friend because of my hyper-vigilant and protective father who refused to let me sell Girl Scout cookies door-to-door, as was the practice at the time. He said, "I'll buy them all," and he did.
70
But how many Girl Scouts were molested then -- or now? Almost none.
If your friend had been bothered by a neighborhood man -- did her parents intervene? was it reported to police? or hushed up?
What did your father teach you about self-reliance or fair play, if he bought all your Girl Scout cookies? What did you learn about selling or handling the paperwork of cookie sales? or the maturity to learn to talk to adult neighbors? He took all that away from you.
If your friend had been bothered by a neighborhood man -- did her parents intervene? was it reported to police? or hushed up?
What did your father teach you about self-reliance or fair play, if he bought all your Girl Scout cookies? What did you learn about selling or handling the paperwork of cookie sales? or the maturity to learn to talk to adult neighbors? He took all that away from you.
1
If you are over sixty say, the current method of bringing up children is pretty unrecognizable and it's difficult if not impossible to refrain from nostalgia.
Drive or walk through a neighborhood on a lovely day, whatever the season and whatever the economics. Aliens have abducted all the children. No bikes and skates and scooters and chalk, no kickball and games of tag. No dust-ups and unsupervised 'conflict resolutions.' No chance to feel how absurd adults can be. No chance to appreciate an evening's going home.
Many are the reasons, we all sort of know them. Hysteria and computers and two jobs. Money and drugs. College prep and genuine concern.
But the author is right. The superb freedom of childhood -- the sense of unlimited time and unrestricted space, of accidental exploration and unplanned discovery, of being a kid and not one of them, however illusory -- for many is gone.
Drive or walk through a neighborhood on a lovely day, whatever the season and whatever the economics. Aliens have abducted all the children. No bikes and skates and scooters and chalk, no kickball and games of tag. No dust-ups and unsupervised 'conflict resolutions.' No chance to feel how absurd adults can be. No chance to appreciate an evening's going home.
Many are the reasons, we all sort of know them. Hysteria and computers and two jobs. Money and drugs. College prep and genuine concern.
But the author is right. The superb freedom of childhood -- the sense of unlimited time and unrestricted space, of accidental exploration and unplanned discovery, of being a kid and not one of them, however illusory -- for many is gone.
20
Kids these days are being raised to become dependent weaklings and total wusses. They are instilled with grossly overestimated images of their own physical power because they score high marks on whatever karate video game is in vogue. Those who stand up to bullies and try to defend themselves are told they are evil and deserve to be expelled for doing so by our schools' zero tolerance for violence policies. Parents who try to teach their children some degree of independence and self-reliance are threatened with disciplinary action by various state agencies.
In a few years, however, tougher kids from tougher neighborhoods and countries will arrive on the scene and take from our overprotected kids all their toys and video games and eat all their lunches.
In a few years, however, tougher kids from tougher neighborhoods and countries will arrive on the scene and take from our overprotected kids all their toys and video games and eat all their lunches.
5
The head-scratcher in all of this is that it is statistically safer now for kids to roam free than, say, the 70's and 80's when I was growing up.
Free our children!
Free our children!
5
By what measure it is safer? All I see proclaiming that is a decrease in the numerator (the number of abductions, for instance), but nothing about comparing that to the dramatic decrease in the denominator (the hours spent unsupervised).
If fewer children playing unsupervised has led to fewer abductions, that actually justifies the behaviors we are seeing from parents.
If fewer children playing unsupervised has led to fewer abductions, that actually justifies the behaviors we are seeing from parents.
1
It's always refreshing to get a foreigner's perspective on how we do things here in the States. What has become the "new normal" in parenting is really quite anomalous, both from a global perspective and in terms of our own history. Do I think that the hovering hyper-controlling parents do long-term harm to their children? Maybe. But they certainly are depriving their children of something valuable in the here and now: the chance to discover the world for themselves.
Let Her Eat Dirt
http://www.lethereatdirt.com
A dad's take on raising tough, adventurous girls
Let Her Eat Dirt
http://www.lethereatdirt.com
A dad's take on raising tough, adventurous girls
7
I have a grown son, age 36. We were not helicopter parents, but we wary. Still by azge 11 or so, he could bicycle to a fishing hole etc. He is now a scout leader and laments that the kids seem only to know how to play with a smart phone. When he was a scout, if bored, boys would grab a frisbee or even a ball and just play. Now the adults have to organize group play when a group of scouts is together.
6
The assessment of risk in this case is not irrational. Yes, the odds of my child being kidnapped are extremely, extremely low. I get that. But if she were, the consequences would be devastating. If all that could happen were that she might fall and skin her knee, then, fine: she can run around freely all that she wants.
We should certainly debate whether or not we're over-protective, but it's inaccurate to argue that parents who are are not thinking clearly. In a sense, they're simply following the logic of Pascal's wager.
We should certainly debate whether or not we're over-protective, but it's inaccurate to argue that parents who are are not thinking clearly. In a sense, they're simply following the logic of Pascal's wager.
3
A few months ago our family attended a crowded art exhibit in Toronto. One of our children (six years old) followed the flow of people and could not find us. My wife and I split up, first mentioning the lost child to a security guard then quickly moved from room to room to find him. Each time my wife called out our child's name it brought me chills.
After approximately fifteen minutes our child was found by security and firmly in my wife's arms. The guard told my wife and I that our son approached her immediately after getting lost and it took some time to find us. While we felt guilty for the incident, we were also relieved and happy about the fact that he did the right thing by approaching a guard immediately after becoming lost.
If we are to give our children independence, it must be accompanied by safety training, warning signals and equipment (such as alarms) to be used in case of emergency. This was not needed one generation ago but is now...
After approximately fifteen minutes our child was found by security and firmly in my wife's arms. The guard told my wife and I that our son approached her immediately after getting lost and it took some time to find us. While we felt guilty for the incident, we were also relieved and happy about the fact that he did the right thing by approaching a guard immediately after becoming lost.
If we are to give our children independence, it must be accompanied by safety training, warning signals and equipment (such as alarms) to be used in case of emergency. This was not needed one generation ago but is now...
8
Ah the belle Toronto, the child who was well-taught, and the guard at the museum....thanks for the smile via the pen of the wise parent.
As for teaching independence (ie who to go to if in trouble- be it separation from parents or other reasons causing fear), yours is not the only generation to have given children advice about what to do in case of trouble. We who came before you were also given advice by parents, grandparents, teachers and siblings. The difference between then and now is that this generation doesn't let its progeny learn by doing. Lectures are great, but without practice and experience no lessons can be learned.
As for teaching independence (ie who to go to if in trouble- be it separation from parents or other reasons causing fear), yours is not the only generation to have given children advice about what to do in case of trouble. We who came before you were also given advice by parents, grandparents, teachers and siblings. The difference between then and now is that this generation doesn't let its progeny learn by doing. Lectures are great, but without practice and experience no lessons can be learned.
1
I could not agree more with Mr. Wergin, but he has made a serious error in constructing his argument: he compares number of child kidnappings to child deaths in cars. Apples and oranges: the correct comparison is number of deaths on the street to number of deaths in cars.
Still, the tiny absolute number of kidnappings should give any overprotective parent pause.
Still, the tiny absolute number of kidnappings should give any overprotective parent pause.
3
I was a free range kid. My children were also free range. But we didn't have 7/24 news filled with repetitive warnings, and a fear mongering press needing to fill all those hours. They should be required to give some of the statistics mentioned in this letter at the same time. Most children become free range when they turn 18, many with drivers license. They must be prepared not protected.
6
I'm completely in agreement that we are an alarmist, phobic culture, where our fears have been overblown given the actual statistics and likelihood that anything would happen to our kids. I don't worry about lurking evil strangers at all, and I would be more than happy to let my kids walk to school, ride their bikes around town and spend many unsupervised hours exploring the woods and creeks we intentionally sought out to raise them beside. The one thing I do find myself scared of is cars and the insane levels of distracted texters, talkers, and phone-obsessed folks who are not paying attention to the kid chasing a rolling ball into the street, the kid who is foolishly trying to cross the street before the light turns red, or the kid who might swerve a little on his bike. Maybe if our kids return to the streets, there will a driving culture shift? Maybe we need tougher laws against phones and driving? I don't know, but I'm all for free range if I trusted drivers more.
11
Not all parents have entirely rosy memories of their childhoods spent roaming their neighborhoods by themselves. My husband grew up in Montgomery County, MD and was definitely a free range kid, as most kids were back then. Of course back then, there was a farm across the street from his elementary school in Silver Spring. He also remembers the serial rapist that terrorized the county and the classmate who was lynched while walking to school. And many of your neighbors (not to mention local police) remember a time back in 2002 when two men were driving around Montgomery County shooting people on Rockville Pike, at gas stations and in parking lots in broad daylight (rush hour, even). This does tend to change how people see their personal safety, even if it's not something that happens all the time. Would I feel safe shopping at the Bethesda Lululemon. Yes. Would I want my daughter working there? Maybe not.
4
Some part of the reason for not letting children roam free may be societal cowardice, aka CYA. Kids are not allowed to walk home from school, even in a small town like mine. The schools here simply won't let them go and you would need to pay $1/min if you let them there and wait. Why, because if something happened I am sure some parents would sue the school, even if they permitted walking home alone.
Statistics never had the ability to sway people's mind. Many more children die from self inflicted wounds of guns lying around at home then from violence inflicted by strangers (home violence is a completely different matter). Yet this cowardice society is rather suggesting that more guns is the solution to everything than to help kids make sound and safe decisions early in their life.
When my tenant's son left the property to go to the street to smoke (I agree, he shouldn't smoke) he was apprehended by police in two cruisers, not once, not twice, but three times, by police men with their usual intimidating charm. Cowards, I would say.
Statistics never had the ability to sway people's mind. Many more children die from self inflicted wounds of guns lying around at home then from violence inflicted by strangers (home violence is a completely different matter). Yet this cowardice society is rather suggesting that more guns is the solution to everything than to help kids make sound and safe decisions early in their life.
When my tenant's son left the property to go to the street to smoke (I agree, he shouldn't smoke) he was apprehended by police in two cruisers, not once, not twice, but three times, by police men with their usual intimidating charm. Cowards, I would say.
7
For my time, I was a highly watched over child. We lived in a small town, but my parents were both from larger cities. The Lindberg kidnapping had happened not too far before I was born. Also, my mother was certain that everyone in our town, with few exceptions, was out to fleece us. Thus, I was more highly supervised than other children. Fortunately this abated over the years.
I notice the nanny state all too often where I live. Instead of teaching children how to walk along a street without sidewalks or how to ride a bike safely, far too many allow their children to walk or ride down the middle. Then they expect cars to stop to wait for the little darlings to get out of the way. Children are driven less than half a mile to school at all ages.
Is it any wonder than when these children arrive in prestigious colleges they fall prey to fraternity hazing? Although colleges have not served in loco parentis since the early 60s (and many did not then) too many parents do not prepare their children to face the abundance of alcohol and drugs on campus or the pressures of hazing.
We still have occasional student deaths at our local top tier university due to alcohol. Either the student drinks too much too quickly and dies of alcohol poisoning or they hallucinate and walk off a roof top. These things are available in middle and high schools too. Children need gentle counseling along the way about these dangers, not as strict rules, but as teaching stories.
I notice the nanny state all too often where I live. Instead of teaching children how to walk along a street without sidewalks or how to ride a bike safely, far too many allow their children to walk or ride down the middle. Then they expect cars to stop to wait for the little darlings to get out of the way. Children are driven less than half a mile to school at all ages.
Is it any wonder than when these children arrive in prestigious colleges they fall prey to fraternity hazing? Although colleges have not served in loco parentis since the early 60s (and many did not then) too many parents do not prepare their children to face the abundance of alcohol and drugs on campus or the pressures of hazing.
We still have occasional student deaths at our local top tier university due to alcohol. Either the student drinks too much too quickly and dies of alcohol poisoning or they hallucinate and walk off a roof top. These things are available in middle and high schools too. Children need gentle counseling along the way about these dangers, not as strict rules, but as teaching stories.
5
you raise a great point JW. As the parent of a college freshman-- whom we raised as the unusual free-range kid-- he has stories to tell about the alcohol abuse that we find shocking. I wonder if it's due to the over-protection during all of childhood, then BAM-- freedom-- that is leading to this epidemic. Because you are right--- the drinking IS different than it was in my day.
1
I wonder what article you would have written had your daughter not returned.
Or returned many hours unharmed but unable or unwilling to account for her time away.
Perhaps in Berlin you could leave your child in a stroller outside a coffee shop while you go in and have a coffee. In America that is not looked upon as responsible.
Risk taking is for people who can assess risks.
Children are not equipped.
Perhaps it might have been OK for your eight year old to go out on her own, but without knowledge or permission, absolutely not.
While you can credit the wisdom of Berlin child rearing, I am sure you would have blamed the violent American culture had something terrible happened.
Or returned many hours unharmed but unable or unwilling to account for her time away.
Perhaps in Berlin you could leave your child in a stroller outside a coffee shop while you go in and have a coffee. In America that is not looked upon as responsible.
Risk taking is for people who can assess risks.
Children are not equipped.
Perhaps it might have been OK for your eight year old to go out on her own, but without knowledge or permission, absolutely not.
While you can credit the wisdom of Berlin child rearing, I am sure you would have blamed the violent American culture had something terrible happened.
8
Raising the modern child?
Modern society seems in a very confused transition with respect to raising children. What we can clearly see is that to compose a modern nation it has been necessary to intrude deeply into the nuclear family by various institutions, most obviously education, but these institutions are neither strong enough nor clarified in intention--with no plan in other words--to succeed the nuclear family in raising children.
This leaves much room for reaction--"key to adult success is two parent family" etc.--and a middle ground where society intrudes to prevent possible harm from parents to children and vice-versa, harm to children from the "outside world". Children of course are caught in the middle, placed in front of television, tested relentlessly in school and by various "interests" (this process will only increase and amounts to everything from trying to see what can be sold to the future adult to testing capacities for this job or that and we can expect if say, the child has a bright capacity for this or that but also is a "problem" for the child to serve as guinea pig to see "if someone can be found like him but without the problem". Relentless penetration of identity and exploitation which perhaps will be incapable of legal oversight).
All this to get to a world in which nuclear family falls away to a collective raising (eventually) of promising specimens of humanity by genetics, increasingly accurate social science, etc. Really Brave New World.
Modern society seems in a very confused transition with respect to raising children. What we can clearly see is that to compose a modern nation it has been necessary to intrude deeply into the nuclear family by various institutions, most obviously education, but these institutions are neither strong enough nor clarified in intention--with no plan in other words--to succeed the nuclear family in raising children.
This leaves much room for reaction--"key to adult success is two parent family" etc.--and a middle ground where society intrudes to prevent possible harm from parents to children and vice-versa, harm to children from the "outside world". Children of course are caught in the middle, placed in front of television, tested relentlessly in school and by various "interests" (this process will only increase and amounts to everything from trying to see what can be sold to the future adult to testing capacities for this job or that and we can expect if say, the child has a bright capacity for this or that but also is a "problem" for the child to serve as guinea pig to see "if someone can be found like him but without the problem". Relentless penetration of identity and exploitation which perhaps will be incapable of legal oversight).
All this to get to a world in which nuclear family falls away to a collective raising (eventually) of promising specimens of humanity by genetics, increasingly accurate social science, etc. Really Brave New World.
2
I often ponder this and it seems that at no other time in US history have children been this safe. Think of car seat technology alone and how it has progressed during the lifetime of the Baby Boomers. But instead of celebrating the safety we as a country have achieved, we live in more fear than ever before. Just a generation ago, the likely way you would have heard about some terrible tragedy befalling a child would be to read it in the newspaper. You would be learning about something very local or something so newsworthy that it was picked up by the AP. There was no in between. Now, I can go online and read about any number of tragedies in the time it takes to drink my morning coffee.
I think it's easy to question the intelligence of over-protective parents, but that's really not fair. It must be hard as a parent to separate your mind from the terrible stories of the day. I for one have tried to eliminate all "news" from my day, except for the NY Times and Morning Edition on NPR. I urge parents to do something similar, in order to not become overwhelmed and convinced that the world is a terrible place. The world is a wonderful place, and for the sake of your family's mental health maybe you should enjoy more of the world together. Nature, books, games, that sort of thing. You will slowly be able to let go of the fear and anxiety that can so easily hold onto you in the Information Age.
I think it's easy to question the intelligence of over-protective parents, but that's really not fair. It must be hard as a parent to separate your mind from the terrible stories of the day. I for one have tried to eliminate all "news" from my day, except for the NY Times and Morning Edition on NPR. I urge parents to do something similar, in order to not become overwhelmed and convinced that the world is a terrible place. The world is a wonderful place, and for the sake of your family's mental health maybe you should enjoy more of the world together. Nature, books, games, that sort of thing. You will slowly be able to let go of the fear and anxiety that can so easily hold onto you in the Information Age.
5
I don't think it's the parents that are to blame. We live in a nice neighborhood and the kids play outside all the time. However, they are not allowed to walk to the local elementary school, although it is a 15 minute walk at best and in a neighborhood too. No highway to cross, etc. Why? The school won't let us. Period. The same with playing unattended. It's not the parents, it's the busy-bodies that call CPS. This is everywhere. Even on military bases the MPs will show up to tell us that we must watch our children directly until they are 6 years old and indirectly until 10. I was babysitting by 10 and had many families I was popular with! But my son could not walk to karate class that was 3 blocks away.
1
Now I have to figure out a polite way to send this to all the parents I know in my suburban middle class neighborhood who hover over their kids and drive me nuts!
The other problem with these overly scheduled and monitored kids is that it leaves the ones with parents who don't overschedule them without anyone to play with. This has been a problem over the years with my own single child who is happiest running around outside with other kids.
The other problem with these overly scheduled and monitored kids is that it leaves the ones with parents who don't overschedule them without anyone to play with. This has been a problem over the years with my own single child who is happiest running around outside with other kids.
20
I posted it on Facebook - maybe try that?
It is so true what the article says - you don't ever see kids outside - it's like a ghost town - and for those of us who don't over schedule our kids as you mention, don't have kids to play with...
It is so true what the article says - you don't ever see kids outside - it's like a ghost town - and for those of us who don't over schedule our kids as you mention, don't have kids to play with...
1
Your kid will be their boss someday because he/she isn't afraid, and knows how to figure out new situations.
The media and movies have scarred the daylights out of people.
Law enforcement is right there to exploit people's fears.
Ever present lawyers ready to pounce if anything goes wrong.
Schools, daycares, terrified of making a mistake.
The police state, terrorism. drugs have all contributed to this mental and psychical lockdown.
Growing up in the 1950's on Staten Island, I can't ever remember not being allowed to wander.
At five years old I would walk four blocks to school on my own.
It is hard to know, but I don't think there is that much difference in safety today and when I was a child. These days every incident is blasting out to the people via multitudes of platforms.
Law enforcement is right there to exploit people's fears.
Ever present lawyers ready to pounce if anything goes wrong.
Schools, daycares, terrified of making a mistake.
The police state, terrorism. drugs have all contributed to this mental and psychical lockdown.
Growing up in the 1950's on Staten Island, I can't ever remember not being allowed to wander.
At five years old I would walk four blocks to school on my own.
It is hard to know, but I don't think there is that much difference in safety today and when I was a child. These days every incident is blasting out to the people via multitudes of platforms.
1
The Maryland agency that found the parents guilty of unsubstantiated child neglect has, as I understand it, no legal basis for doing so. There is nothing in Maryland law that requires parental supervision of children who are outside. I was born in 1957 and grew up in Silver Spring as a child. My own parents, and practically all of the parents on our block, would have been guilty of child neglect if they had used similar criteria back in the sixties and seventies!
5
The problem with "helicopter parenting" is that when these kids reach what should be adulthood, they still have the emotional development of 5 year olds. All anyone has to do is look at today's 20 somethings and 30 somethings and it is painfully obvious. We have raised an entire generation that has no concept of decision making, and the consequences thereof. They still expect Mommy and Daddy to make all their decisions for them, and to make everything all right when things go bad. And they are now raising their own kids to be even worse.
4
Children are more protected than they were in the past. Crimes against children have declined.
While it's possible that the author is right, that the protection is therefore excessive, we should consider the more likely hypothesis: Crime is down because children are protected.
While it's possible that the author is right, that the protection is therefore excessive, we should consider the more likely hypothesis: Crime is down because children are protected.
3
when i moved to Amsterdam from New York, I was the only mom following my kids around the playground. while I worried that someone would kidnap my kids, the other mom's chatted, drank wine and even smoked cigarettes! Needless to say, i've chilled out since then.... Although I still think it's wrong to smoke in a park with children, life is so much more relaxed when you are not busy worrying all the time about safety... American super moms :CHILL OUT!!
2
One more reason I'm ecstatic that my grandsons (ages nine and six) are being raised in Musashi-Kosugi (between Yokohama and Tokyo). They are growing up to be hardy weeds and not hothouse orchids.
4
We read about the ramifications of not allowing kids to learn their own coping skills in the stories of intense depression that appears to be rampant on college campuses along with the uptick in sexual assault. We don't come here with the ability to take care of ourselves. It's taught and learned and the hardest lessons are often the ones that allow us to grow the most. I know the desire to protect one's child at all costs is strong, but that cost cannot come at the expense of learning to be an independent adult.
3
Parents who wish to allow their children much of the "free range" childhood that they enjoyed while young find that CPS and societal norms restrict that ability. One would think that the prevalence of cell phones among the very young would mean that children should be able to enjoy the ability to explore their surroundings since one is only a text message or phone call away. When I was growing up in the fifties and sixties - first in Columbus, OH and later in St. Joseph, MO, I would, along with my siblings, pack a lunch and go off on my bicycle and explore. My parents had no idea where we were - we might give a general idea where we were headed but who knew what and where we might find ourselves given the day and which of our friends we might encounter. We explored building sites, hiked in the woods, played all sorts of pick-up sports games, or just bicycled around - sailing down hills with hands in the air, popping wheelies, etc.
My children came of age in the nineties and the first decade of the 21st century. With two parents who worked, they did not have the free time that my husband or I had since our mothers did not. Their after school time and summers consisted of organized activities. However, we looked for occasions when they might be able to enjoy some of that freedom that we had in many ways taken for granted growing up and encouraged them to take advantage of those opportunities even though our friends viewed this as a dereliction of parental duties.
My children came of age in the nineties and the first decade of the 21st century. With two parents who worked, they did not have the free time that my husband or I had since our mothers did not. Their after school time and summers consisted of organized activities. However, we looked for occasions when they might be able to enjoy some of that freedom that we had in many ways taken for granted growing up and encouraged them to take advantage of those opportunities even though our friends viewed this as a dereliction of parental duties.
4
One of the problems with letting kids on the loose is technology. Today's children are too busy playing with Wii and other gadgets to go outside. Even in my small town where an elementary school is in the heart of an in-town neighborhood where many children reside, very few people are ever seen outside even during the after-school hours. Children are seldom seen walking home...they have either been picked up for after-school activities or stay in the school's after school program so as to accommodate working moms. At least those children get some fresh air! The neighborhood is also devoid of cliques of moms sitting outside minding their toddlers--instead they have driven off to the nearest trail to jog as they push their little ones. The elderly too are rarely seen walking about even though coffee shops, stores and a library surround the neighborhood. I include myself in the latter group. I used to walk everywhere until one day when, my hair still more blonde than gray, a guy in a pick-up truck pulled up alongside me wanting to know if I wanted a ride. I kept my stride and smiled and politely said no thanks and he drove away. However, my heart didn't stop pounding until I reached home...what was so scary was that there was no one about when he made the offer nor did I see another soul while walking the four seemingly endless blocks home. Communities need campaigns to get folks to turn off their gadgets and air conditioners and get out on the street.
5
Kids are generally in far more danger from the people they live with than they are from walking home from the park. A generation of kids who are now parents have been raised to fear everything, thanks to the scaremongers citing Etan Patz and Adam Walsh. But more important, TV, with its endless cycling of murder, mayhem on both the news and its "entertainment" programs. I also think our fear is part of our national psyche, a reflection of our fears about the world. How much courage have we lost since 9/11? A lot. We're willing to give up our freedom, and that of our children, because someone out there might, just possibly, harm us. Lets get our courage back, my fellow Americans.
8
My 3rd grader's teacher said to me yesterday that she wished all the kids in her class took public buses as the children need more responsibility. There has been a fair bit of cliquey drama in the class, and she ascribes it partly to kids not having responsibilities and always having parents rescue them. I observe that other parents have become very interested in having their child accompany mine on the 2 public buses she catches home. It is scary as a parent, but she loves it, and she feels much more confident as a result.
6
I was a free range child, in NYC. The classic latch-key child, I literally wore my house keys on a string around my neck. I was allowed to explore the city and take care of myself from around the age of 7 or 8. I had other friends who did the same. I got into all kinds of trouble, was stabbed in the arm when I was 9, started smoking pot at age of 12, and was a chronic truant. I was fortunate, and managed to turn my life around. I have friends who didn't, and ended up in jail or dead. I think the concern about children not developing independence and self-reliance due to over protective parents is a straw man argument. Can anybody show me evidence that children who are not allowed to wander unsupervised until they are say, 12 or 13, are in anyway handicapped by the experience? The reaction is really a product of dual phenomena. First, parents are lazy. They would prefer not to closely supervise their children because it is time consuming. Second, they are reluctant to call their own inattentiveness neglect, because that would mean confronting the fact that they were themselves, neglected. This is the same rationalization we see from parents who are abusive, but won't call it such, because that is how they were raised. Show me the evidence that children are worse off for parents being more protective now than they were in the 60s and 70s. Not narratives of how they're missing out on potential experiences, but actual evidence.
115
I think there is probably some middle ground between total supervision and no supervision. Letting the kids play outside on their own after school is one thing. But if they are continually getting into trouble, that particular kid in that particular place can't (yet) handle the level of freedom, and the parent needs to step in.
2
Neglectful is not the same thing as allowing your children some freedom.
Best not to extrapolate your childhood experience with terrible parents with the rest of the world.
Best not to extrapolate your childhood experience with terrible parents with the rest of the world.
2
Well said. For me, the issue is not the prevalence of child abductions, but all the other unpleasantness inherent in our society. Growing up in the suburbs near NYC, as a child I would walk, with a friend, to the candy store, school, library, etc. And I was first "cat called" on the street at the age of 8, which eventually became a near-daily occurrence -- and some incidents were frightening (i.e., a truck with several men inside stopping). While I wish that wasn't the reality of our society, I can't fathom choosing to expose my daughter to that sort of treatment until she was at least a teenager and better prepared to handle it.
2
I see a close parallel to the problems of the so-called "little princelings" in China, in which the family dotes upon and spoils the only son/daughter. As a parent of an only child, I can understand that problem. When you have invested all your hopes and dreams, and thoughts of the future in one child, the thought of losing that child is overwhelming and soul-crushing. It's difficult to be "free range" in this environment, as all your eggs, so to speak, are literally in one basket.
67
I raised an only child who is off at college now. he was free range. he is so much more mature than most young people, precisely because he had that freedom. please do your child a favor and let him/her be free.
1
Wow children spend 90% of their time at home. When I grew up in NY
I went everywhere at a young age. On the bus across Brooklyn to the Y.
I was out all the time. Now don't ask me what age I was young. When I say to people who are worried about the dangers for children today I caution that is
just ratings push on TV. The risk's is not having my independent children that are
healthy and self sufficient is worth the freedom they need. The risk is not higher then the past just a minimum. i can't walk past children when I am out without
smiling or saying hello. I know that is taking a risk but why? Coddled, techno crazy children are going to set up back. I walked everywhere far distances in NY.
I at now in my 70's riding a bike and still being an entrepreneur. I was trained by the freedom and dynamics of living in NY city with freedom to live the nest and fly. Great opinion post.
I went everywhere at a young age. On the bus across Brooklyn to the Y.
I was out all the time. Now don't ask me what age I was young. When I say to people who are worried about the dangers for children today I caution that is
just ratings push on TV. The risk's is not having my independent children that are
healthy and self sufficient is worth the freedom they need. The risk is not higher then the past just a minimum. i can't walk past children when I am out without
smiling or saying hello. I know that is taking a risk but why? Coddled, techno crazy children are going to set up back. I walked everywhere far distances in NY.
I at now in my 70's riding a bike and still being an entrepreneur. I was trained by the freedom and dynamics of living in NY city with freedom to live the nest and fly. Great opinion post.
2
I'm not opposed to free range parenting. I would be thrilled if my kid would want to go outside or leave the house for any reason, but he doesn't!
4
I am convinced that helicopter parenting has contributed to the growing prevalence of childhood obesity. If you're afraid to let them play outside unsupervised they're going to be on the couch with tv or video games. Playing with other children without adult intervention is how kids learn to negotiate, compromise, fight and make up.
9
I am so glad I didn't have children -- what a miserable time to be a child or young adult.
2
I often feel sorry for kids growing up today who will never experience the freedom of living in a kids' world without the interference of adults. We had quite a bit of freedom, yes, but we had limits, also: don't go past the parkway, don't go past the church, that was fine. Stay out of the vacant lots - good luck with that one, the lots were the best places to play! But in our rambles, we were never alone - there always seemed to be a bunch of us who roamed like a small tribe, so when we took off at age 9 to ride the bus or the subway, it wasn't a solo trip. That's a crucial element, in my estimation, that seems to go unmentioned. And I tried to give my kids some of the same freedom, with a few more cautions than I recall receiving. So my daughter & her girlfriends trooped from house to house, stoop to stoop, and my sons and their friends roamed the schoolyards, and now we're scoping out the safest route for my grandson to navigate the several blocks from his house to ours - we're still in the same neighborhood, the old-fashioned kind where everyone in the "village" keeps an eye on things. But it's hard to keep your perspective when you're bombarded 24/7 with every tragedy that occurs a thousand miles away! Awful things happen, yes, but let's try to get a grip, folks. Is all this caution really good for the kids in the long run? What kind of fearful, timid creatures are we producing?
2
I am not so struck by your daughter's leaving the house to explore on her own as I am that she left the house at all without telling anyone.
At the age of 64 I would never leave the house if someone were home without announcing my leaving. I expect the same of anyone at else at home.
Maybe it is a cultural difference, and I do not claim to represent a typical American attitude, but the custom the the family I grew up in.
Also, there is a disconnect in your comment about having worried about her when she was gone and not having reason for worry when she returned.
I am worried for you.
At the age of 64 I would never leave the house if someone were home without announcing my leaving. I expect the same of anyone at else at home.
Maybe it is a cultural difference, and I do not claim to represent a typical American attitude, but the custom the the family I grew up in.
Also, there is a disconnect in your comment about having worried about her when she was gone and not having reason for worry when she returned.
I am worried for you.
11
The freedom to raise one's children and impart to them our knowledge and values is rapidly being circumscribed by societies desire to bubble wrap and protect children from all harm, emotional and physical. The result seems to be a generation of fearful, timid automatons ill equipped for the realities of life, and incapable of independent thought. I believe we need to teach that there is risk in life, how to assess said risks, and how to remain safe. But not through the fear mongering of the press and media. Television shows, such as Criminal Minds, foster these irrational fears and lead us to believe that there is a monster around every corner waiting to grab up every unsuspecting child.
News media reports on what sells...abductions, murders, sexual assualts, lending itself to the perpetuation of fear that no child is ever safe.
Of course, we must prepare our children for the world, but that involves letting go and trusting that the lessons we impart will help to guide them to thrive independently. Teaching fear, and arresting parents for trying to teach independence, will not raise a generation of self reliant individuals, but compliant sheep.
News media reports on what sells...abductions, murders, sexual assualts, lending itself to the perpetuation of fear that no child is ever safe.
Of course, we must prepare our children for the world, but that involves letting go and trusting that the lessons we impart will help to guide them to thrive independently. Teaching fear, and arresting parents for trying to teach independence, will not raise a generation of self reliant individuals, but compliant sheep.
5
The disappearance and murder of little Etan Patz nearly 30 years ago destroyed the case for free range parenting. From that awful day on parents had no choice but to become hyper vigilant when it came to monitoring every single moment of their kids lives. I don't like helicopter parenting and I cringe when I see six year olds still being purshed around in strollers. Unfortunately free range parenting leads to nothing but trouble.
41
The Etan Patz case was oversold by the family and a willing press to hype an unfortunate sad event. It was hardly the norm.
So, the next time you hear of an accident on the Belt Parkway, you will never drive on that road again? Then the next week, you will hear of someone pickpocketed on the subway, so you won't take the subway either. A few more weeks of making decisions like that, and you will be forever imprisoned in your home. Actually, you do have a choice, and all parents have a choice. The choice is to live, and let kids live, rather than cowering in fear.
2
I was wondering if you really read the article. Part of the point is that the dangers of letting your kid roam free are minimal compared to many other activities we do with our children. Again, you are statistically more likely to have your child die in your car from an accident than having them abducted by an unknown assailant. Stifling their independence can also cause them to be ill equipped to face the realities of life as an adult, which impacts their happiness. This is also extremely important. Giving into fear is a choice.
2
I met with a college president at a very successful college and asked him what he worried about since everything seemed so great. He said unequivocally he worried about the kids going berserk when they got there drinking and carousing. It was their first moment of freedom after a lifetime of helicopter parenting. Many end up in the emergency room and some die.
9
I had the good and bad growing up--moving every year to a different area and having to make new friends, but I was so lucky in the places we moved to (for the most part). Places that seemed wild and ready to be explored; looking for snakes to impress my brother, falling through ice in a pond, hurrying home in a cornfield with the ears towering over my eight-year old body and losing orientation, walking along the New Jersey side of the Delaware River towards the bridge to Philadelphia to get a better look. I had so much fun exploring, and, as is plain to anyone reading this, those memories, whether from Staten Island or from suburban and rural places are priceless. What memories do the kids who spend all their time in their houses have? Our kids have been lucky to live in places that provide opportunities for exploration. But, my experience is that there are opportunities everywhere and they are good for kids.
3
In your society, which has come to be based on fear and exploitation, it is difficult free those you love. Up here we worry about the wolves, and our neighbors.
When my 4-year-old daughter wanted to climb a tree in the backyard, I taught her to climb it safely rather than forbid her to try. This is a metaphor for what we're talking about here. Children can learn to navigate the world, partly by discovery and partly by age-appropriate guidance. But to close them off from community without some freedom to make their own choices fails to teach them how to feel comfortable and confident in a diverse world.
7
You had me until the very last sentence. Which I qualify in an abundance of caution, adding "We are the land of the free. But freedom is not a license to do just anything."
1
I don't think he implied that. He raises a valid point. How do we instill positive values of freedom in our children when we don't give them any? They are much more likely to let their freedoms be restricted by the government because they think that is normal.
Clemens Wergin's thought-provoking article raises significant concern. The effects of overprotective parents and state have gone too far. I hope we will rethink reasonable raising of our nation's children.
3
My wife grew up in Kiev and fondly remembers taking the metro to her school and after school lessons, unaccompanied, when she was nine. Our youngest son started taking the city bus to his school when he was eleven. He was soon friends with the bus driver and got to know other commuters. Once, when I was late putting money on his bus card and the automatic reader flashed red, another passenger came forward and paid for his ticket.
Our friends were horrified that we let him take the city bus alone, but at the same time remembered doing the same when they were young. As it is, our son discovered that a bus card gave him the keys to the city, and he could explore it all on his own.
Our friends were horrified that we let him take the city bus alone, but at the same time remembered doing the same when they were young. As it is, our son discovered that a bus card gave him the keys to the city, and he could explore it all on his own.
5
Case on point. My 8th grade son just went on his class trip to Washington DC. My wife and I are the only parents that didn't go. We didn't even consider going. All other parents questioned us. You aren't going? Why aren't you going? I can't believe your allowing your son to go alone? Aren't you afraid? These parents did not like my response at all. I simply stated that it was a class trip. A rite of passage into High School. And besides, what kid would want their parents to come on a class trip? Not me! The kicker is, the parents are on the same bus as the kids. Can you imagine going on a 5 day trip with your parents on the bus with you. Trailing behind you as you tour DC? Unbelievable to me and my wife as we grew up in Brooklyn and rode our bikes to NYC. As far as the electronics go: My kids aren't allowed a TV in their room. I take all electronics Sunday night and give it back to them on Friday ONLY if they did well in school during the week. Great article long overdue. My only advice to parents I encounter is simple. Let your kids be kids. Make them play outside. Stop answering questions for them and let them start thinking. Enough already as these kids can't speak, write or read.
22
Wow. Every parent but you? Back in the day (1960) our 8th grade went to Washington with our teachers (and possibly one or two parents to assist the teachers). I do remember the one slightly scandalous thing that happened was that we were dropped off on the Mall in front of the Museum of Natural History and were told to meet back there at a certain time. Some kids took off for the Army Medical Museum where you could see some very "interesting" exhibits. Those of who didn't go were jealous. But all of us were back in time to get on the bus and no one got in trouble. When my children went on class trips, the issue was finding parents to help chaperone (in a very upper middle class school), not pointing fingers at those who wouldn't go.
1
My wife and I allowed our children to roam our small town from about age 10 up.This was the years 2002 - 2009. It was a hard to do but we felt it was for their own good. Everything was fine and we wouldn't have done things any other way. Most of the other kids in town did not go out or were tightly supervised. I am amazed at how good our kids turned out. Smart, adventurous and savvy. Don't make the mistake of imprisoning your children.
5
Hurrah for Mr. Wergin!
The one loss Mr. Wergin did not discuss in his article was the willingness to take risks. As an educator, I heard countless high school teachers talk about young people's fear of taking risks. Freedom for children is essential for their learning to take reasonable risks.
I reared my son as I was reared. He was free to roam at will, ride his bicycle wherever he chose and during the 70s in his middle school years he went from a suburb of Boston to downtown Boston alone on public transportation. As a young adult and now has a mature adult he has always taken risks and thrived. First he traveled and continues to travel freely enjoying many cities in Europe and Asia. Most significantly, he resigned a successful and comfortable job to start his own consulting company in Manhattan. He has been and continues to be successful.
Let your children roam freely so they can learn to explore and learn to persevere after mistakes, all elements of rish taking.
The one loss Mr. Wergin did not discuss in his article was the willingness to take risks. As an educator, I heard countless high school teachers talk about young people's fear of taking risks. Freedom for children is essential for their learning to take reasonable risks.
I reared my son as I was reared. He was free to roam at will, ride his bicycle wherever he chose and during the 70s in his middle school years he went from a suburb of Boston to downtown Boston alone on public transportation. As a young adult and now has a mature adult he has always taken risks and thrived. First he traveled and continues to travel freely enjoying many cities in Europe and Asia. Most significantly, he resigned a successful and comfortable job to start his own consulting company in Manhattan. He has been and continues to be successful.
Let your children roam freely so they can learn to explore and learn to persevere after mistakes, all elements of rish taking.
5
We are so very lucky to live in a place where kids do roam free. Our neighborhood has a passel of kids who get together (weather permitting) after school to play all sorts of games - backyard whiffle ball, basketball, some complicated combination of tag and ditch, etc. There is also a convenience store nearby that sells ice cream and that is a favorite destination too. My youngest rides all over town and has made friends with the owner of a pizza shop, he knows the staff at the local sporting goods store and can confidently navigate the streets on his own. Do I worry? Sure, but his confidence, independence and ability to handle the world is more important.
9
Funny, our boy is about to finish high school, and when he was small (kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grades) we lived on Staten Island, and he was allowed to roam where he wanted with his friend from down the block, but he never went very far (and once, while at his friend's house, with an adult in the house, his friend showed him a pornographic movie, so, so much for keeping them home...). School was about half a mile away, and I used to walk him there when I could, and tried to get him to walk by himself, like I did when I was his age, but the school bus stopped right on our corner, and it was a hard sell (when I was his age on SI, the bus would only take the 1st graders).
When we moved to Maine, I thought he'd be able to run free, but as it turned out, there were hardly any children in our small "village" area, and what few there were were oversupervised, as in this article. Without being able to just go out and find kids to play with, he became a virtual shut-in in our safe, walkable, town, talking with his friends over the computer, and has remained that way ever since. Getting him out of the house is like moving a stubborn mule, and pretty much only happens for "required activities," such as lawn mowing and school. He's got his own car and is free to go where he likes, and goes on his own to things he needs to do, like doctor and dentist appointments, so he's not overly dependent, but if "going out to play" had been an option, I think he'd have been better off.
When we moved to Maine, I thought he'd be able to run free, but as it turned out, there were hardly any children in our small "village" area, and what few there were were oversupervised, as in this article. Without being able to just go out and find kids to play with, he became a virtual shut-in in our safe, walkable, town, talking with his friends over the computer, and has remained that way ever since. Getting him out of the house is like moving a stubborn mule, and pretty much only happens for "required activities," such as lawn mowing and school. He's got his own car and is free to go where he likes, and goes on his own to things he needs to do, like doctor and dentist appointments, so he's not overly dependent, but if "going out to play" had been an option, I think he'd have been better off.
7
And, ironically, driving is far more dangerous for teenagers, especially teenage boys, than riding their bikes around the neighborhood is for younger children.
1
I have for years felt bad for the kids in my neighborhood and for my own grandchildren. They have no freedom to develop. If a parent allows a child to play outside by themselves the police have been called. Sometimes we have to allow freedom. Most of these kids have phones.
4
How have we gotten to this stage of suffocating our children and, more important, how do we change it? Sure there are risks "out there", but just look at the risks when children are over-protected. Hopefully articles such as this one will help parents of young children wake up!
4
We are living in unpredictable times. I agree children should not be forced to stay indoors all day.
That being said I doubt I could be comfortable with an eight year old
walking alone without an older sibling or parent.
That being said I doubt I could be comfortable with an eight year old
walking alone without an older sibling or parent.
3
All times are unpredictable. Today is no different. Given how low the probability is of abduction, raising children according to extremely low probability events, while ignoring the other dangers (like driving with them in your car) which have a much higher chance of ending your child's life, makes no sense.
1
The risk isn't abduction but getting run over.
11
Then make sure you teach your kids how to cross the street by themselves. I learned that early enough to walk home alone from kindergarten.
2
That's a risk in Berlin as well and it's a risk that can be managed by teaching children how to handle it. And there is risk to being in the car as well.
1
Another contributing factor to the fear is a presumption that strangers are unlikely to show concern or intervene when they see something wrong. To do so is deemed heroic not a citizen's duty. Who knows, one might get sued.
3
"The most recent in-depth study found that, in 1999, only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger; the overwhelming majority were abducted by a family member." Naturally, there is a dearth of stereotypical kidnappings because children are so protected and supervised by their parents. Mr. Wergin is drawing the wrong conclusions from these statistics.
69
"only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger.... That same year, 2,931 children under 15 died as passengers in car accidents. Driving children around is statistically more dangerous than letting them roam freely."
Statistically? Really? What is the denominator here? Very few kids die in skydiving accidents. By the same logic this author would conclude that riding in the backseat of a car is "statistically more dangerous" than skydiving.
Statistically? Really? What is the denominator here? Very few kids die in skydiving accidents. By the same logic this author would conclude that riding in the backseat of a car is "statistically more dangerous" than skydiving.
2
Um, and what proof do you have that kidnappings were rampant back in the days of free-range kids?
What's changed is not that the world is more dangerous. It's that the parents are nuts. And as other commenters have noted, the overprotected kids grow up into incompetent adults.
Much like the parents who follow their kids around with sanitary wipes etc., making sure little Emily or Kaitlyn or Timothy or whatever the fashionable name was that year doesn't ever get exposed to a germ. The result - kids whose immune systems are never challenged, and who as a result are allergic to every known substance and foodstuff. Bubble babies.
Similarly, your overprotected child will suddenly, eventually, be sent out into the world with no experience and no resilience. He or she will be like the innocent convent girl in Les Liaisons Dangereuses, who winds up as a toy and tool of two older roues whose wiles she can't see through.
What's changed is not that the world is more dangerous. It's that the parents are nuts. And as other commenters have noted, the overprotected kids grow up into incompetent adults.
Much like the parents who follow their kids around with sanitary wipes etc., making sure little Emily or Kaitlyn or Timothy or whatever the fashionable name was that year doesn't ever get exposed to a germ. The result - kids whose immune systems are never challenged, and who as a result are allergic to every known substance and foodstuff. Bubble babies.
Similarly, your overprotected child will suddenly, eventually, be sent out into the world with no experience and no resilience. He or she will be like the innocent convent girl in Les Liaisons Dangereuses, who winds up as a toy and tool of two older roues whose wiles she can't see through.
2
The author takes his own family's unique experience and attempts to draw sweeping social and psychological conclusions. Not every environment is like his neighborhood. I would not presume to judge on the case of the 10 and 6 year old in Silver Spring, MD, since I don't know the conditions of the streets, the time of day, or the level of potential danger. In my very nice neighborhood, this would not have been an issue, as children walk to and from the town center at that age, but clearly the police were using their judgement, which perhaps was better than the parent's in this case.
This is akin to the many articles claiming fact from anecdote. Mr. Wergin, congratulations on feeling so knowledgable and superior on your parenting. I hope you always live in a safe neighborhood, for your children's sake.
This is akin to the many articles claiming fact from anecdote. Mr. Wergin, congratulations on feeling so knowledgable and superior on your parenting. I hope you always live in a safe neighborhood, for your children's sake.
11
Very, very well-put. Yes, these determinations are highly subjective. As they should be. It's about protecting children, not about keeping parents free from interference.
3
There was nothing wrong with the 8 year old wandering the neighborhood. Good for her, hope she met other 8 year olds. Dont assume that it's parents that are keeping their kids indoors. It's technology and lots of homework. Also when we were young, there were not as many organized activities. I live in the DC area and i don't know any parents that wouldn't let their kids wander the neighborhood. This Meitov case is being blown up into something it's not. The fact is, a 10 year old was made responsible for a 5/6 year old over a mile from their home along a busy commercial street. Someone must have been concerned and reported it. Once reported it had to be investigated. We don't know why it was clear but I suspect the parents were not cooperative and the investigators had reasons to be concerned aside from the kids wandering around on their own. We don't know because these cases findings are not made public. I suspect if these parents cooperated instead of grandstanding the case would have been closed. I would have concerns about parents parading their children in the media with the message they are frequently unsupervised.
9
I grew up in Westchester County, NY. I remember days spent wandering in the woods listening to the birds, climbing rocks, and yes, getting scraped up, and bitten by the bugs. I remember walking on a path to school in the worst weather. I remember being chased out of the house by my parents with comments along the lines of "If you can't find anything to do you could help..." Help usually meant folding laundry, doing some weeding, or something else I didn't want to do.
We swam at the local pool in the summer. We got into minor trouble by running, doing running dives, trying to sneak in during adult swims, splashing more than we should, pushing each other in. The guards made us sit out for various offenses. No parent ever came up and told us to go back in or defended us against being told to sit out. We were not angels and no one expected us to be. We were children at play who occasionally did stupid things and learned not to do them again.
We had scraped knees, elbows, needed stitches, hurt each other's feelings, made up; in short we were children. Adults didn't always know where we were. We went out for hours with orders to come home in time for dinner. We came home dirty, tired, and ready to run out to play the next day. We explored our neighborhoods. We climbed trees. We learned how to take risks. Best of all, we learned that we were capable.
We swam at the local pool in the summer. We got into minor trouble by running, doing running dives, trying to sneak in during adult swims, splashing more than we should, pushing each other in. The guards made us sit out for various offenses. No parent ever came up and told us to go back in or defended us against being told to sit out. We were not angels and no one expected us to be. We were children at play who occasionally did stupid things and learned not to do them again.
We had scraped knees, elbows, needed stitches, hurt each other's feelings, made up; in short we were children. Adults didn't always know where we were. We went out for hours with orders to come home in time for dinner. We came home dirty, tired, and ready to run out to play the next day. We explored our neighborhoods. We climbed trees. We learned how to take risks. Best of all, we learned that we were capable.
29
And I notice that you may be a Tom Lehrer fan! I had the same experience as you growing up in the middle of Nassau County, Long Island. We wandered all over, including swimming in the creek by what is now Meadowbrook Parkway. We climbed all over hills created by the building of homes in North Merrick. I still have the scar on my knee where a nasty branch made its mark. As a young teenager, we rode bikes all over the Merricks and the Bellmores, sometimes into Wantagh. We did were risk-takers, although we didn't know that at the time. Our worlds were bigger and richer than my son's world, which is now just opening up to him as a college student. We were able to cope with our world, something my son is just learning to do
2
Agree. We live where the kids can be out at any time. As to responsibility, growing up in farm country is considerably different than other locales. Here, the kids start working early, and are full time workers after school and have farm to market drivers license at 12. For the neighbors, the boys were already running the cow calf operation by 15 and took over the operation after graduating high school. Our mentored youth hunting programs and summer outdoor camps also are available for those 12 years old and up.
7
Free-range children can be lonely children if there are no other children like them in the neighborhood.
Luckily for us in our neighborhood there was a young boy whose father was a single parent and considered somewhat neglectful and two girls with atypical parent who were not scheduled to the hilt. Our son would get together with the three of them, and they'd go out exploring on their bikes. My son actually got hurt on one of their adventures, and two of his friends stayed with him while the other one raced to our house to get us.
Funny that that incident stands out in my memory in such a positive way, even though my son was bleeding (but not badly hurt) when we got to him.
I suppose I could say I remember that incident so happily because of the life lessons learned from it or because nothing serious happened, but the reality is that there was just real joy in seeing our son out with friends, exploring the world on their own.
Parents' worries remind me a little of air travel. Knowing there are riskier ways to travel, most of us still get a little nervous when we fly. We are not in our element, so the risks seem greater than they are. How much more can we experience, though, crossing oceans so quickly, than if we always kept our feet planed on the ground? We are afraid that letting our children stray from what we consider their proper element, but how much wider their worlds can become if we allow them some independence.
Luckily for us in our neighborhood there was a young boy whose father was a single parent and considered somewhat neglectful and two girls with atypical parent who were not scheduled to the hilt. Our son would get together with the three of them, and they'd go out exploring on their bikes. My son actually got hurt on one of their adventures, and two of his friends stayed with him while the other one raced to our house to get us.
Funny that that incident stands out in my memory in such a positive way, even though my son was bleeding (but not badly hurt) when we got to him.
I suppose I could say I remember that incident so happily because of the life lessons learned from it or because nothing serious happened, but the reality is that there was just real joy in seeing our son out with friends, exploring the world on their own.
Parents' worries remind me a little of air travel. Knowing there are riskier ways to travel, most of us still get a little nervous when we fly. We are not in our element, so the risks seem greater than they are. How much more can we experience, though, crossing oceans so quickly, than if we always kept our feet planed on the ground? We are afraid that letting our children stray from what we consider their proper element, but how much wider their worlds can become if we allow them some independence.
42
It is reasonable to be concerned for the safety of our children but you can go overboard. In my suburban school district a few years ago, an old man pushing a baby carriage entered an elementary school yard, coming within 50 yards or so of a group of school children at recess. The following school board meeting was packed with angry parents demanding to know why we were not protecting their children and we had to spend $100K on additional fencing.
Meanwhile, at my job in Brooklyn, I would get off the subway and walk the couple blocks to work surrounded by unaccompanied elementary school children heading to school. Those of us in the suburbs are scandalized that an unvetted individual is within eyesight of our kids without fencing in the way while city folk simply send their kids to walk among strangers on their way to school. Which attitude is the more reasonable?
When young, my brothers and I would take off, biking all over, coming home at dinner time. When my kids were young, they couldn't go to the park across the street without our knowing. Which version of parenting is right?
We used to hustle up pickup baseball and football games. But our kids were scheduled every day in various sports and other activities supervised by adults. I wonder if we are parenting the initiative out of our kids. We would take off and make our own fun while how many of today's kids wait for their parents to arrange that for them? And what does that mean for their adult lives?
Meanwhile, at my job in Brooklyn, I would get off the subway and walk the couple blocks to work surrounded by unaccompanied elementary school children heading to school. Those of us in the suburbs are scandalized that an unvetted individual is within eyesight of our kids without fencing in the way while city folk simply send their kids to walk among strangers on their way to school. Which attitude is the more reasonable?
When young, my brothers and I would take off, biking all over, coming home at dinner time. When my kids were young, they couldn't go to the park across the street without our knowing. Which version of parenting is right?
We used to hustle up pickup baseball and football games. But our kids were scheduled every day in various sports and other activities supervised by adults. I wonder if we are parenting the initiative out of our kids. We would take off and make our own fun while how many of today's kids wait for their parents to arrange that for them? And what does that mean for their adult lives?
25
How true. We now have to "teach" children and even young adults about developing "initiative," as well as decision making.
Thank god I'm now retired from a career as an investigator and manager for the Department of Human Services (Michigan), particularly in children protective services.
If we had received a complaint of a 10 year and 6 year old walking alone in a neighborhood, I would have refused to investigate the matter. It's ridiculous. I grew up on a family farm, and at the age of 10 I was driving tractors and operating other equipment. Parental supervision consisted of the message "Be home for dinner."
Yet, in today's society, if the above complaint arrived at our office, we would be obligated to investigate, especially if it came from the police, and no matter my personal beliefs. It's the old CYA mentality. Our society is now so risk averse - bureaucracies and adults included. Sad....
If we had received a complaint of a 10 year and 6 year old walking alone in a neighborhood, I would have refused to investigate the matter. It's ridiculous. I grew up on a family farm, and at the age of 10 I was driving tractors and operating other equipment. Parental supervision consisted of the message "Be home for dinner."
Yet, in today's society, if the above complaint arrived at our office, we would be obligated to investigate, especially if it came from the police, and no matter my personal beliefs. It's the old CYA mentality. Our society is now so risk averse - bureaucracies and adults included. Sad....
471
I, too, grew up on a farm during a time when it was viewed not only OK for me to make my own decisions, but to be expected to help keep things running. When it came time to leave home, there was no angst about my ability to survive on my own and with aid of the military. My two grand children are saddled with helicopter parents who think the best place for a kid is in front of a tube. Is there any wonder the number of youth who are diagnosed with ADHD, etc. and plied with drugs?
2
I always told my kids, when you make good choices you make all the choices, when you make bad choices I make "all" the choices. They soon learned to make good choices as they did not like dad making "all" of their choices. In middle and high school my kids were making many of good choices unsequestered by me. They got to know their world, who might get them in trouble so dad would make choices, behaviors that might make dad begin ruling their world. They liked their freedom and they protected it with good choices.
When my eldest went to college in Denver, 100 miles north of Pueblo, several kids from his high school went to Denver as well. The kids who's parents were totally involved in every aspect of their kids life and hovered over them, all came back to Pueblo. They were unable to make the responsible choices they needed to make with their new found freedom. Some flunked out, one got pregnant, some partied too much. The point being kids need help becoming independent and they need freedom and guidance to practice independence. They will get in trouble and make stupid choices and that is ok, that is how they learn. It is much better for them to have the freedom to make stupid choices in their parents home where they will get guidance, rather than suddenly acquire freedom when they come of age and lack the guidance and good decision making to handle it. My boys are now in their thirties, rarely drink (one not at all), do not smoke, do drugs and have no tattoos.
When my eldest went to college in Denver, 100 miles north of Pueblo, several kids from his high school went to Denver as well. The kids who's parents were totally involved in every aspect of their kids life and hovered over them, all came back to Pueblo. They were unable to make the responsible choices they needed to make with their new found freedom. Some flunked out, one got pregnant, some partied too much. The point being kids need help becoming independent and they need freedom and guidance to practice independence. They will get in trouble and make stupid choices and that is ok, that is how they learn. It is much better for them to have the freedom to make stupid choices in their parents home where they will get guidance, rather than suddenly acquire freedom when they come of age and lack the guidance and good decision making to handle it. My boys are now in their thirties, rarely drink (one not at all), do not smoke, do drugs and have no tattoos.
13
I grew up in the middle 1950-through the early 60s. When I was 6 I was permitted to go alone to a nearby park, a block away. I never had any fear. I was told by my older brother to stay away from the "drunks", men who sat on benches and drank from bottles. None ever bothered me.
We moved to a more suburban setting when I was almost 8. I spent hours playing in the large wooded area surrounding our unpaved streets. I once walked home in the late afternoon from a friend's house, more than a mile away. The latter part of the journey was completed in darkness. My parents had no fear. I loved having the freedom to explore.
Back in the early 80s I was running along the streets of suburbia with a friend who was about my age. He pointed to the empty streets and remarked, "Where are all the kids. When we were kids these streets were packed with kids playing outside. Now they are all inside." A sad commentary on modern life. And it hasn't gotten better in the last 30 years.
We moved to a more suburban setting when I was almost 8. I spent hours playing in the large wooded area surrounding our unpaved streets. I once walked home in the late afternoon from a friend's house, more than a mile away. The latter part of the journey was completed in darkness. My parents had no fear. I loved having the freedom to explore.
Back in the early 80s I was running along the streets of suburbia with a friend who was about my age. He pointed to the empty streets and remarked, "Where are all the kids. When we were kids these streets were packed with kids playing outside. Now they are all inside." A sad commentary on modern life. And it hasn't gotten better in the last 30 years.
15
Etan Patz changed everything. I was in college when that happened, so I had a normal childhood, but it's not as if our parents didn't warn us not to talk to strange men, never take candy from them or get in a car with them, to tell someone where we were going, to call if we were going to be late.
Certain cases erupt into national media sensations through a combination of factors, including a compelling visual or slogan to accompany a simple meme that encapsulates a gnawing inchoate fear in the zeitgeist. The Patz case, like the Caylee Anthony case and the Laci Peterson case, had a cute picture that became ubiquitous, and also a subliminal narrative tapping into the fear/suspicion reflex.
In olden days, when there was no CNN and National Enquirer, the stories evolved into fairy tales and legends. The 'Pied Piper' was based on an actual event, the exact nature of which is debated; William Manchester believes he was a paedophilic mass murderer, others argue plague or the Crusades. In the Canterbury Tales, Chaucer recounts the murder of Little St Hugh of Lincoln, one of many child 'saints' whose death gave rise to the notorious 'blood libel'. Dracula, a real historical figure enshrined in myth. Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, et cetera.
Certain cases erupt into national media sensations through a combination of factors, including a compelling visual or slogan to accompany a simple meme that encapsulates a gnawing inchoate fear in the zeitgeist. The Patz case, like the Caylee Anthony case and the Laci Peterson case, had a cute picture that became ubiquitous, and also a subliminal narrative tapping into the fear/suspicion reflex.
In olden days, when there was no CNN and National Enquirer, the stories evolved into fairy tales and legends. The 'Pied Piper' was based on an actual event, the exact nature of which is debated; William Manchester believes he was a paedophilic mass murderer, others argue plague or the Crusades. In the Canterbury Tales, Chaucer recounts the murder of Little St Hugh of Lincoln, one of many child 'saints' whose death gave rise to the notorious 'blood libel'. Dracula, a real historical figure enshrined in myth. Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, et cetera.
7
The author's citing of the Maryland case of "unsubstantiated child neglect" is misleading. In Child Protective Services jargon, the term "unsubstantiated" means there was a concern that something happened but, after investigation, it was found not to have happened. If the investigation had shown actual neglect, the allegation would have been "substantiated."
The fact that this was an unsubstantiated case is consistent with the fact that no charges were filed, as noted in the author's hyper-link to the related news report.
Bottom line: While the author's premise may be correct, his use of this case does not support his argument.
The fact that this was an unsubstantiated case is consistent with the fact that no charges were filed, as noted in the author's hyper-link to the related news report.
Bottom line: While the author's premise may be correct, his use of this case does not support his argument.
9
Sorry, your bottom line is NOT correct. The parents in the subject were put through a very difficult time. Yes, the were not convicted of a crime but they were treated like criminals for a long time.
2
I think the point here was simply that someone reported kids walking home alone, and that Social Services actually bothered to investigate something that was commonplace decades ago, and that now is viewed as child neglect.
1
If you look further into the case you will find that they are still being actively monitored by CPS and the parents were made to promise not to let either child out of sight 'alone'. The article obviously still applies.
1
We have shipped our kids all over the country, alone, since they were about 10-years old. Parents know when kids are ready. When we used to take our son to his sister's soccer matches, we spent the entire time searching for him as he would just disappear. I don't recall watching much soccer. Another time coming home from work I spotted him sitting at the bus stop down the street from our house chatting to an old woman. He had gotten out of the house without his mother knowing and was going to visit his friends...He was about 4. That did not sit well with us, and neither did he for a couple days.
1
" That did not sit well with us, and neither did he for a couple days."
LOL!! Watch out, though, in today's environment, someone might turn you in for beating a child!
LOL!! Watch out, though, in today's environment, someone might turn you in for beating a child!
This is MRS. The discussion is about letting children be free to grow and go on their own to explore their world without interference. Heaven forbid that we allow a child to walk alone to school or to a neighborhood corner store for a candy bar. The fear was put into me when I was a small child. We lived on a street that had an elementary school with a playground at the corner. I was not permitted to play in that playground because a young lady was kidnapped from a playground in Cleveland in 1953. Beverly Potts was never found. Yet, with all of this fear of stranger abductions and worse, nothing is ever mentioned about the children kidnapped from their own homes. Beverly Jarosz was kidnapped from her bedroom in suburban Maple Heights in the late 1960s and was never found, either. Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped from her bedroom, from the safety of her own home, too, and while she has returned, she will probably never be the same for the experience she had while with her kidnapper. Whether or not the child is familiar with his/her abductor, these incidents will always burn in the minds of parents. Society has changed to the point where leaving a child unattended can become a problem. We hear more about these incidents and the graphic details than we ever used to hear because there are so many ways to disseminate information. We need laws that allow parents to be parents without their hands tied behind their backs.
1
Yes, we roamed freely in my suburban NJ neighborhood but in packs. An eight-year old might walk down the street alone - to her friend's house. We didn't go to parks alone. That was 50 years ago (ugh). Repeat - we did not roam around alone. We were always in groups. The other HUGE difference is that most kids had one parent at home during the day, at dinner time, and into the evening. Someone's mom was always looking out the window, always knew where we were. There was always someone home at the nearest house we could run to.
THINGS WERE DIFFERENT THEN.
THINGS WERE DIFFERENT THEN.
24
What is different are the parents' irrational obsession with the phrase, "What If!?"
2
When I was 8-10 Itraveled all over NY Brooklyn To the Bronx zoo - nickel for the subway
4
We probably ran into each other riding between the cars!
When our girls, now in their parenting forties, were six and eight, they would roam freely in the eight hundred acre public forest behind our house. They would first walk one hundred yards through the woods to pick up friends who lived there with chickens in the yard. Back in the woods they would sometimes play in some massive concrete sewer pipes that had been abandoned. Often they would tell us about the naked man that lived in the pipes. We just learned recently thanks to Facebook that the man was innocently pretend! Yes all six girls turned out just fine and I let their kids roam as in Germany, the birthplace of kindergarten, which means play outside!
8
I think some of this must be generational regarding the parents. I am a boomer, a child of what Brokaw called 'the greatest generation'. All the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood were all over the place. We walked to grade school everyday when the weather wasn't bad. We were all over a nearby city park with no adults around or wanted. On Halloween my parents and the others in the area sent us out with the words 'watch for cars, be back by 9:00 which was well after dark.
We all survived and mostly injury free. The area I grew up in has turned over now and a new generation of parents are in most of the houses where we kids grew up in. When riding though now I notice that the children are just not out and all over like we were. It is a shame because it looks to me like it is still a great place for childhood adventure and ball games in the vacant lot.
We all survived and mostly injury free. The area I grew up in has turned over now and a new generation of parents are in most of the houses where we kids grew up in. When riding though now I notice that the children are just not out and all over like we were. It is a shame because it looks to me like it is still a great place for childhood adventure and ball games in the vacant lot.
13
Welcome to America!
Where we're paranoid about increased stranger danger (which has been dropping for decades) and where we drive our kids to the bus stop in our sealed SUV each morning (while worrying about their obesity and peanut allergies).
Where we're paranoid about increased stranger danger (which has been dropping for decades) and where we drive our kids to the bus stop in our sealed SUV each morning (while worrying about their obesity and peanut allergies).
19
Americans are preparing their children for the nanny society while complaining about the nanny state. One of the greatest misconceptions in this game is that children will get a complete range of activities through after-school programs. They get what has been canned and packaged for them instead of letting them find out what is truly important for each individual. This forms a much more homogeneous citizenry, ready to be manipulated in many ways, mostly by private-industry advertising and private-industry politics. Oh I wish he just had a nanny state!
14
As a child, still age four. I started kindergarten (1956). We lived on the north side of Milwaukee, in a neighborhood of closely-set duplexes. My mother walked me to school for the first week: across a busy street intersection (with stop lights), and across a number of other streets. Distance: almost a mile. After that I walked by myself, alone, for the rest of the year. No problem. She warned me not to talk to strangers.
Age 10, I took gym lessons downtown at the Turners. I took the bus (distance: about 3 miles) by myself, after dark.
Lesson: by age 10 I knew my way around a big city, and felt at home in it. Later (age 13) I rode all over on my bike. I was completely self-reliant. In fact I would not have wanted snooper-vision by adults.
Age 10, I took gym lessons downtown at the Turners. I took the bus (distance: about 3 miles) by myself, after dark.
Lesson: by age 10 I knew my way around a big city, and felt at home in it. Later (age 13) I rode all over on my bike. I was completely self-reliant. In fact I would not have wanted snooper-vision by adults.
8
Clemens,
Things may be different in Deutschland but here in the State we have a lot of nutjobs running around. It not being overprotective to prevent a kidnapping.
Things may be different in Deutschland but here in the State we have a lot of nutjobs running around. It not being overprotective to prevent a kidnapping.
4
As an educator of young children for over 20 years, I think that one reason children have become so sheltered is American parents' inability/unwillingness to teach independence. From teaching them to to tie their shoes (just buy shoes with Velcro!) to having regular chores like setting the table or feeding the family pet (it's just so much easier for me to do it!), parents are turning their children into helpless "little angels" who can't take responsibility for any aspect of their lives. Teaching a child to be independent - while using smarts, staying safe, and making good decisions - is a difficult task. It takes time and consistent practice, two things that a lot of parents don't have to give.
23
Another trendy topic. I was a "free range" child and got into plenty of trouble. I also went to school with one of the Lyon sisters --- who both disappeared more than 40 years ago after going to a popular Maryland mall. So yes, I kept my children, when they were young, close at hand. Now they are teenagers and I'm learning to let go, and that was always the plan: Teach them well, and give them more freedom as they get older. But when they are very young and so vulnerable, they need constant supervision. I can't believe this is even a debate.
123
I went to school with a good friend who died in an auto accident, and I'm sure that most of the readers know someone who was killed in a car wreck. Does that mean I should never let my kids in a car? That would be crazy! But that is the same logic you are using: "Because something terrible happened to X when they were doing Y, I'm never letting my kids do Y." Kids are killed playing sports, at amusement parks, even at school. We can't let our fears overwhelm our sense of perspective and judgment.
Let Her Eat Dirt
http://www.lethereatdirt.com
A dad's take on raising tough, adventurous girls
Let Her Eat Dirt
http://www.lethereatdirt.com
A dad's take on raising tough, adventurous girls
5
I understand that you were traumatized by knowing one of the few children who actually was abducted, but the facts remain: millions of children had freedom to roam, to walk to school and parks, and play outside without constant parental oversight, and those millions escaped any harm from doing so. The overprotected, over scheduled American children of today have no basis for attaining true maturity or learning to make intelligent decisions.
3
"I can't believe this is even a debate. "
I think that's specifically what's wrong with this conversation: you think you have unquestionable proof that going outside is dangerous for kids, so they should live under constant supervision. Others will agree with you after seeing reports of kidnappings blown out of proportion on a slow news day on TV. The same people will call the cops on a neighbor who has a different vision of what good parenting is, and lets their kids walk home from the park. If you question the totalitarian, security-obsessed viewpoint the snitching neighbors obviously see fit to impose on the rest of society, they'll answer the same: "I can't believe this is even a debate".
I think that's specifically what's wrong with this conversation: you think you have unquestionable proof that going outside is dangerous for kids, so they should live under constant supervision. Others will agree with you after seeing reports of kidnappings blown out of proportion on a slow news day on TV. The same people will call the cops on a neighbor who has a different vision of what good parenting is, and lets their kids walk home from the park. If you question the totalitarian, security-obsessed viewpoint the snitching neighbors obviously see fit to impose on the rest of society, they'll answer the same: "I can't believe this is even a debate".
3
Interesting observations, my wife and I have spoken of this occasionally. The dramatic differences between growing up in the 1950's and growing up today. She was a free roamer in Mississippi, and I in several states and overseas as "military brat".
Our feeling is these decisions about parenting have had & will have consequences. Perhaps part of the phenomenon of "boomerang kids" who never move out or return to the nest during every challenging life event is one.
Our feeling is these decisions about parenting have had & will have consequences. Perhaps part of the phenomenon of "boomerang kids" who never move out or return to the nest during every challenging life event is one.
6
I am in my 90th year. Between the ages of 5 and 8 I had tuberculosis, was confined to home and bed and intensely protected by my parents. When I recovered one of the first things they did was send me out to play. I was awkward, unknowing in the ways of the neighborhood, playgrounds and the other kids. I was beaten up a couple of times.(it was in the Richmond district in San Francisco) The first time it happened I came home crying. My father,who was wonderful and loving, sent me back out to deal with it. Would they haul him to court now? I am deeply grateful to him and raised my son in New Yiork in the same way.and am proud of his self sufficiency and of the two children he and my daughter in law raised. You are right' Mr. Wergin. The dangers of freedom this are much less than constant supervision. And lets take the cell phones away from the kids so their parents can't constantly loom over them.
13
I was a kid of the 60's 70's. We did roam and because of that, we learned as 12-14 year olds to smoke and drink, shoplift, fool around, pull pranks, do some property damage, etc... I gave my kids a lot more freedom than others in our neighborhood, but I didn't want them getting into the same trouble we did because we had lots of free time and naturally did what kids will do together if given the time.
3
I was an 80'so kid and did the same things but, like you, turned out fine! I'd be happy to have my 3 kids out playing in the hood but there's no one out!
Why? Because this is the age of fear, fostered by extremists on both sides of the political spectrum. Are rationality and balance ever possible?
8
It's not easy to be a parent. In the 60's I was out the door to explore at four, walked to kindergarten alone, etc. You really can't parent like that nowadays. My boys are 20 and 18 now, and I tried to strike a balance when they were in grade school; we biked and walked and took public transportation together a lot, so they would know their way around, and we stayed on the playground for about an hour each day after school - a lot of families did - to give them time to run and play. But unlike my own childhood, there was nobody at all "playing outside" unsupervised in our neighborhood. I let my older one bike alone to the park at age 10 for baseball practice and was gently reproached by other parents. Some thought I was nuts to let them come home alone after school in 7th grade. Also, I was lucky to have a job schedule that let me be there after school - not everyone can. There are real risks and dangers, not only from predatory adults but from bullying kids and teens, as well as from poor judgement kids may have. I experienced all of those in my younger days.
3
Excellent article. I don't know if there is any other context regarding the parents who were punished when their 10 and 6 year-old children walked home alone but, as depicted, that is an example of the most misguided and atrocious "public policy" I have ever heard.
Children need to learn, develop and have true independence. They suffer deeply from its absence, and from the exercise of indulgent, small-minded, and false "protection."
Children need to learn, develop and have true independence. They suffer deeply from its absence, and from the exercise of indulgent, small-minded, and false "protection."
12
They were not punished, they were investigated.
Turn off the TV.
Though it be sad, if I never hear the name "Natalie Holloway" again, I won't be sorry. Our 500 channel, 24-hour news cycle fans the flames of our fears so we believe a terrorist or deviant or predator is just around every corner.
I learned much more about the natural world by walking to the creek or riding my bicycle around town than by watching the best nature show on PBS or NatGeo.
TV and the internet is an adjunct to and not a substitute for the real world. I'lll take IRL every time.
Though it be sad, if I never hear the name "Natalie Holloway" again, I won't be sorry. Our 500 channel, 24-hour news cycle fans the flames of our fears so we believe a terrorist or deviant or predator is just around every corner.
I learned much more about the natural world by walking to the creek or riding my bicycle around town than by watching the best nature show on PBS or NatGeo.
TV and the internet is an adjunct to and not a substitute for the real world. I'lll take IRL every time.
10
I was raised in the 70s in the States, where I was given enormous independence (to ride my bike to and from grade school, which involved crossing the access road to an interstate). I raised 2 sons in the US, where, like the parents in Silver Springs, Md, I was arrested - for child neglect and abandonment - due to my being in a different part of the same park as my then 8 and 6 year old boys. I am now raising a daughter in Germany, where, as the author of this piece states, independence is fostered at a much earlier age. No one bats an eye if a 6 year old is cycling alone or riding the subway alone.
Parents know their children and their environment best, but I find it a bit perplexing that a society that purports to value self-reliance and confidence (surely those are American "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" ideals) practices such gross displays of paranoid parenting.
Parents know their children and their environment best, but I find it a bit perplexing that a society that purports to value self-reliance and confidence (surely those are American "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" ideals) practices such gross displays of paranoid parenting.
48
Could not agree more that kids need to spend more time outside interacting with their environment and their peers. That's how my childhood was. Nevertheless, it's a fact that the world has changed since I was a boy, and letting one's 8-year-old roam free is not a viable option anymore.
I would not go to Germany and advise the Germans how to raise their children. In the same vein, I see no reason why a German should come here and opine on the best way to raise a child in America.
I would not go to Germany and advise the Germans how to raise their children. In the same vein, I see no reason why a German should come here and opine on the best way to raise a child in America.
4
I wonder in what ways you believe the world has changed since you were a boy. The odds are the only changes are in the relentless media coverage of cases that would not have made the papers at all back in the day. Maybe you missed the part of the story that pointed out that a child is statistically 25 times more likely to die while riding as a passenger in a car than to be abducted by a stranger. And why, exactly, can't we learn from other countries?
I agree completely with Mr. Wergin. Parents today have gone overboard with over-protectiveness and helicopter parenting. I was shocked by the Silver Spring case. In my opinion, this is all because the 24/7 media publicizes every incident with a stranger, and makes these incidents seem much more common than they actually are.
13
No, we all didn't make it! "free range" was the norm. We lived in our world as children. 25 miles from NYC we came and went without anxiety on anyone's part. Living on a river, we swam and boated, played on the ice, jumped off bridges and cliffs. Duck hunting at age 13. Bobbing around in the Hudson with shotguns at 2 am in small boats in January. We had wonderful experiences. Walking to where we wanted to go. Hitching rides to caddy at Westchester. For my 13th birthday, I made the trip, in a 12 foot boat, up the Hudson, from Croton to Lake George (a pickup truck from the head of the river to the lake) to camp on an island over labor day weekend. When challenged for ID in Lake George Village, by polite policemen, an elementary school athletic card and a call home was enough. That level of freedom made a huge difference in who I became as an adult.
The criminalizing of youthful experimentation and exploration began when cigarettes became a legal issue. It was simpler to pass a law than educate and model good behavior. It would make more sense to outlaw organized tackle football if protecting our young people is the true concern. We have throttled the personal lives of our children. What our protective behavior has cost the development of today's adults is immeasurable. Very sad. "It is safer?" It is easier!
For my 67th birthday my amazing wife and I paddled a canoe around Manhattan. Amazing! The SIF is a big boat from an 18' canoe. Experience required!
The criminalizing of youthful experimentation and exploration began when cigarettes became a legal issue. It was simpler to pass a law than educate and model good behavior. It would make more sense to outlaw organized tackle football if protecting our young people is the true concern. We have throttled the personal lives of our children. What our protective behavior has cost the development of today's adults is immeasurable. Very sad. "It is safer?" It is easier!
For my 67th birthday my amazing wife and I paddled a canoe around Manhattan. Amazing! The SIF is a big boat from an 18' canoe. Experience required!
6
I grew up in a small town in upstate NY in the '40s and '50s. By the time I was 8 or 9, I was routinely ranging up to 20 miles from home on my bicycle, exploring back roads, abandoned buildings, forests, rivers, mountains, historical sites, etc., as were most of my friends. The world was a better place then, at least my world was.
8
As several posts here indicate many parents don't let their children roam free not because of media hysteria but because of actual experiences that happened to them. The lack of information in the study is telling. What exactly is " leisure" time. Does it include time in after school sports leagues this negating the idea that not roaming free turns kids into sloths. Where is any study corroborating the musings of the psychologist about the effect of young children being under parental supervision?
No my children did not roam free at age 8. Personal experience as well as studies of the brain told me that young children don't have the judgment to deal with what they encounter whether it's a nasty stranger or a highly busy street to cross. Most of my friends kids experienced similar " helicoptering" yet they all managed to grow up and navigate their way around far flung colleges and even farther travel experiences.
And the poster who thinks some kids moved back home because of a lack of independence as opposed to a rotten economy...that just made me laugh. By the way here in the land of the ultimate helicopter parents the kids actually don't move home much. All that helicoptering led to great schools and good jobs and their own apartments.
No my children did not roam free at age 8. Personal experience as well as studies of the brain told me that young children don't have the judgment to deal with what they encounter whether it's a nasty stranger or a highly busy street to cross. Most of my friends kids experienced similar " helicoptering" yet they all managed to grow up and navigate their way around far flung colleges and even farther travel experiences.
And the poster who thinks some kids moved back home because of a lack of independence as opposed to a rotten economy...that just made me laugh. By the way here in the land of the ultimate helicopter parents the kids actually don't move home much. All that helicoptering led to great schools and good jobs and their own apartments.
10
What is never understood by most young people about this issue is that the country/countries have changed, so that the CONTEXT for a kid wandering around has deteriorated. In the 1940s, when I was growing up in a New England old-line, polyglot New England industrial town, my parents knew and were known to people in our neighborhood-- and these were true, diverse NEIGHBORhoods. If my parents had wanted to find me, they could do that in about 20 minutes, because the chain of communication from them to the network of store owners, teachers, policemen, and many passers-by had me located better than a GPS.
25
BTW, policemen in those days, in this context, meant cops walking a beat! We knew them, typically by name.
2
Thank you for a great column! I grew up in the 1950's, a golden time of childhood freedom. Summer seemed to last forever. I would leave home with my buddies at dawn, fish till lunchtime on the river, ride bikes or hike in the woods, explore freight cars in the shifting yard------you get the idea. I fear that today's kids are so overprotected that they never learn to face danger or solve problems on their own. I expect that this is a contributing factor to self medication and the increase in suicide. Parents seem to operate today in a media-generated reality that provides a constant drum beat of fear.
8
How old are your kids? 22?
There real problem with being over-protective is that children never learn how to protect themselves. Today's can view all manner of sex and violence on the Internet, but have no idea how to deal with people in the real world. That makes them truly vulnerable. Way back in the dark ages, when I was a child (aka, the 60s), we were taught the "buddy system". We weren't alone and there's safety in numbers.
If you follow the link to "Unsubstantiated Child Neglect" (whatever that is) in the column, you'll read that the parents were threatened with the removal of the children to foster care, apparently on the theory that foster care is much better for children than allowing them to walk home from school. Honestly, what looking glass have I fallen through?
If you follow the link to "Unsubstantiated Child Neglect" (whatever that is) in the column, you'll read that the parents were threatened with the removal of the children to foster care, apparently on the theory that foster care is much better for children than allowing them to walk home from school. Honestly, what looking glass have I fallen through?
109
"Honestly, what looking glass have I fallen through?"
It's called the nanny state (some would say police state). It didn't exist when you and I were kids. The example above of the law coming down on parents for allowing their kids freedom is only one of many--do your own Google search. And ask yourself just how we have come to such a pass, who fostered and passed the legislation allowing such a system to evolve, and, Most Importantly, ask how the mentality of these cops and social workers got changed. In other words, what kind of cop would enforce such a stupid law in the first place?
It's called the nanny state (some would say police state). It didn't exist when you and I were kids. The example above of the law coming down on parents for allowing their kids freedom is only one of many--do your own Google search. And ask yourself just how we have come to such a pass, who fostered and passed the legislation allowing such a system to evolve, and, Most Importantly, ask how the mentality of these cops and social workers got changed. In other words, what kind of cop would enforce such a stupid law in the first place?
The land of the free? Are you kidding me? This is the land of Progressivism, where experts and government want to dictate everything that we do because they know best what we should be doing, even when they don't. This is the land of bans on trans-fats and large sugary drinks, of requirements that you wear helmets when bicycling in state parks, and of the demonization of guns. Everything must be optimized and risk must be eliminated. Sorry, Herr Wergin, the land you imagined is long gone.
53
Nothing is "banned". The government, in its many forms, has simply told you that translates and sugary drinks are not good for you. Helmets? Because uninsured people get hurt and you and I as taxpayers will foot the bills. Gun users demonize themselves. Go crazy: drink your 20-ouncers; gobble the fast-food burgers and fries. Nobody's stopping you. Just don't ask the government to take care of you.
8
And yet, if people are too stupid to chose the action that is in their best interest (as one might lamentably conclude from recent election cycles), then the incentive of government may be required. I'm not talking about the irrational demonization of guns (agreed), but wearing helmets saves not just lives, but saves brains - a TBI costs society a lot of money, far more than the horrible restriction of having to wear a helmet. Seat belts also save lives, but until the government mandated them (and shoulder restraints), auto manufacturers didn't incorporate them and people didn't wear them.
The demonization of guns by the Progressives? If you want a child in danger, keep an unlocked gun at home. Even better keep it loaded. Then take it to the grocery store so your toddler can kill you with it as recently happened in red, red Idaho. It's not Progressives who endanger your child. It's all the scaredy cats who can't walk out the front door without a concealed weapons and who won't lock up their guns at home because they "need" to be able to shoot it out with whoever shows up at the front door.
2
In some cases, parents who allow their children freedom to roam get arrested!
2
Don't we think it depends on where we live?
It was shocking to hear about the 10 and 6 year old being picked up by the police in Silver Spring, MD, and CPS calling it child neglect?
Call WI backwards or just more trusting, especially the smaller rural towns, but 10 year olds are out there going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies and fundraiser popcorn for their organizations and schools without parents - and trust me, CPS is not involved, nor the cops.
On the other hand, grand kids in MKE and Madison have parents accompanying them when they're doing their soliciting (and more).
So, then if we would want our kids to be more independent, would we be more apt to just live in a smaller town where people seem to know others more readily and the neighborhoods are more folksy? Or wouldn't it matter?
It's unimaginable the cops in smaller town USA in WI would think of getting smaller town US in WI CPS involved in child neglect when we're talking about a 10 and 6 year old walking in their neighborhood.
Certainly not all people have their choice of where they can live to earn a living, and thus how independent they can allow their kids to live. But I guess for the people who could have the freedom to make the choice, I would opt for the place which offers kids the most safe independence.
That's the time in life to grow up, not when you're an adult and scared.
It was shocking to hear about the 10 and 6 year old being picked up by the police in Silver Spring, MD, and CPS calling it child neglect?
Call WI backwards or just more trusting, especially the smaller rural towns, but 10 year olds are out there going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies and fundraiser popcorn for their organizations and schools without parents - and trust me, CPS is not involved, nor the cops.
On the other hand, grand kids in MKE and Madison have parents accompanying them when they're doing their soliciting (and more).
So, then if we would want our kids to be more independent, would we be more apt to just live in a smaller town where people seem to know others more readily and the neighborhoods are more folksy? Or wouldn't it matter?
It's unimaginable the cops in smaller town USA in WI would think of getting smaller town US in WI CPS involved in child neglect when we're talking about a 10 and 6 year old walking in their neighborhood.
Certainly not all people have their choice of where they can live to earn a living, and thus how independent they can allow their kids to live. But I guess for the people who could have the freedom to make the choice, I would opt for the place which offers kids the most safe independence.
That's the time in life to grow up, not when you're an adult and scared.
4
There are many advantages to living in a small town, as opposed to the suburbs or in a large city. Besides the diversity of rich people often living next door to poor people, which allows children to be friends will a variety of people, they are also free to roam the entire town, whenever they wish, because everyone knows everyone else and would respond if a child was in a difficult situation.
2
Absolutely agree. As a child in Sacramento I roamed the empty fields behind our house, and when I was a teenager, took off on my bicycle for hours and rode the then empty countryside (now completely urban, unfortunately). As a parent in Munich, I always gave my kids as much freedom of movement as they were ready for - like all other German parents here. And when my daughter started staying out almost all night with a group of kids (it was a church group, but even if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have worried because my daughter was completely trustworthy) I didn't worry at all.
I see / saw my purpose as making my kids seaworthy. They're 26 and 29 and turned out great. Each had to deal with at least one hairy situation, when we could only be in the background, but they mastered them. Alone.
My biggest problem with helicopter parenting is: When does it stop, for heaven sakes? Something could still happen to one of my kids! Should I still hover just to make sure they don't have a car accident or catch an infectious disease?
I see / saw my purpose as making my kids seaworthy. They're 26 and 29 and turned out great. Each had to deal with at least one hairy situation, when we could only be in the background, but they mastered them. Alone.
My biggest problem with helicopter parenting is: When does it stop, for heaven sakes? Something could still happen to one of my kids! Should I still hover just to make sure they don't have a car accident or catch an infectious disease?
16
I grew up in the late '60's, early '70's and was allowed to roam around quite freely. I experienced strange men pulling over and trying to lure me into their cars, older neighbor children trying to lure me into sex play and neighborhood bullies. Fortunately, nothing terrible happened to me, but I was in a number of very risky situations even though I lived in an upscale suburb. It was good for me to have some close calls since it taught me to be cautious, but I could have been molested or abducted if I had been gullible.
6
Deae a er Mr. Wergin,
I assume you live in a pretty "good" neighborhood in Maryland. As an experiment, try driving through a "less desirable" neighborhood in DC and take a look around. You'll see plenty of kids without parental supervision as their parents are busy working at low paying jobs sometimes 2 or 3 of them just to make ends meet. These kids have, currently, in this country, a snow ball's chance in hell of ever leaving their sordid conditions. But they can roam about "freely".
Your daughter met dog owners in, probably, a beautifully maintained park in your suburb. If you let her "roam" in a less affluent neighborhood, the only dogs she'll see are guarding businesses and the parks, if any at all, will be full of trash as the money to maintain them isn't there.
Perhaps Berlin doesn't have such neighborhoods or, perhaps, you and your family wouldn't countenance going to such neighborhoods if they do exist in the German capitol. Just keep in mind, your editorial is addressed to the very people who live in gated communities, have very well paying jobs and have the time to think about letting the little ones "roam".
Many in this country, stuffed into de-facto "ghettoes" do not have such luxuries as "just getting by" is hard enough.
One day take your car into these areas and see the kids "roaming" for yourself; just keep your doors locked and, when back, tell us of THAT experience.
I assume you live in a pretty "good" neighborhood in Maryland. As an experiment, try driving through a "less desirable" neighborhood in DC and take a look around. You'll see plenty of kids without parental supervision as their parents are busy working at low paying jobs sometimes 2 or 3 of them just to make ends meet. These kids have, currently, in this country, a snow ball's chance in hell of ever leaving their sordid conditions. But they can roam about "freely".
Your daughter met dog owners in, probably, a beautifully maintained park in your suburb. If you let her "roam" in a less affluent neighborhood, the only dogs she'll see are guarding businesses and the parks, if any at all, will be full of trash as the money to maintain them isn't there.
Perhaps Berlin doesn't have such neighborhoods or, perhaps, you and your family wouldn't countenance going to such neighborhoods if they do exist in the German capitol. Just keep in mind, your editorial is addressed to the very people who live in gated communities, have very well paying jobs and have the time to think about letting the little ones "roam".
Many in this country, stuffed into de-facto "ghettoes" do not have such luxuries as "just getting by" is hard enough.
One day take your car into these areas and see the kids "roaming" for yourself; just keep your doors locked and, when back, tell us of THAT experience.
24
My brother had a paper route and I was his substitute when he was sick. I was 8-9 years old delivering papers all over the neighborhood. Walked home from school when I spent the bus money on ice cream. We're talking a good 2-3 miles. Back then we had crossing guards on every corner with a traffic light. We walked everywhere: school, movies, ball games. Took the subway to Yankee and Mets game before I was 10. Play dates were unheard of. I got married in late 80s and even though I could see the school from my porch, my wife had a screaming fit the first time I told her I let my son walk 2 blocks to school on his own. We're talking about a 10 year old kid. My wife would routinely pick him up at his friend's house 4 blocks away at 11 pm rather than let him walk home. This is now a six foot HS student. Never understood it. And it happens more in affluent or middle class area. Blue collar kids, even today, don't really have that luxury.
4
"Here in quiet and traffic-safe suburban Washington, they don’t even find other kids on the street to play with. " Are you kidding me? I live in Bethesda -- some of the most aggressive, heavy, reckless traffic on the East Coast -- you are not living in reality.
6
There are plenty of quiet streets off the main drags in both Bethesda and Silver Spring. And kids learn to negotiate traffic all over the world.
1
Yeah, for me the lunatic drivers and no sidewalks are a far bigger concern... I've actually thrown a baby doll in the middle of the street to see if drivers would slow down... only thing that helped was me sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of the road...
We're a neurotic, fearful, and irrational society. At some point in the last few decades, Americans completely lost their sense of proportionality and reason. We see every stranger as a potential threat, arm ourselves to the teeth, turn to religion rather than science and evidence to solve our problems, and elect government officials who campaign on platforms of ignorance and stupidity. We're obsessed with crime and violence, which the media is only to eager profit from with "To Catch a Predator" and other sensationalist garbage. My European and ex-pat friends think America has gone completely insane.
49
It all started when the first child's photo appeared on a milk carton and it hasn't abated since then. It is also aided by a media which embraces and propels such stories forward for nothing more than a few ratings points. The parents, for their part, have created a generation of pseudo-adults who can't function outside of very narrow range of inputs and outputs.
I did not find the recent Times article about young law students struggling with the Bar exam to be surprising at all. Without Mom and Dad sitting next to them, they are lost.
I did not find the recent Times article about young law students struggling with the Bar exam to be surprising at all. Without Mom and Dad sitting next to them, they are lost.
31
The main issue is that parents simply cannot wrap their head around the fact that interactions with a complete stranger are actually one of the safest for their child. The person that is the greatest risk for harming a child is a non-custodial parent, followed closely by custodial parents or guardians. Next most likely are extended family, trusted family friends, and religious leaders. On average, strangers either don't interact with "free-range children" (who used to be called just "children"), or keep an eye on them and protect them.
One reason for this phenomenon is that kids aren't helpless in the face of apparent danger. A 9-year-old grabbed by a stranger in a park will yell, kick, run, etc to protect themselves. A 9-year-old picked up by good old uncle Joe, on the other hand, is likely to think that good old uncle Joe has their best interests in mind because mom trusts her brother.
One reason for this phenomenon is that kids aren't helpless in the face of apparent danger. A 9-year-old grabbed by a stranger in a park will yell, kick, run, etc to protect themselves. A 9-year-old picked up by good old uncle Joe, on the other hand, is likely to think that good old uncle Joe has their best interests in mind because mom trusts her brother.
56
'On average, strangers either don't interact with "free-range children" (who used to be called just "children"), or keep an eye on them and protect them.'
I'm sorry to have to say this, but if your child is in trouble in a public place, don't expect me to help him. How do I know he won't turn around and accuse me of doing something to him - and I'm guilty until proven innocent, or even after? I'm old enough to remember the Wee Care and McMartin cases and the 'satanic panic', not to mention the 'recovered memory' craze in which abuse was assumed a priori and anyone who said they hadn't been abused was 'in denial' and just had to keep working at remembering until they produced the appropriate narrative to accuse the witch, I mean, molester. No sirree bob, I promise you I will put, and keep, as much distance between myself and your kid as I can possibly manage, at all times.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but if your child is in trouble in a public place, don't expect me to help him. How do I know he won't turn around and accuse me of doing something to him - and I'm guilty until proven innocent, or even after? I'm old enough to remember the Wee Care and McMartin cases and the 'satanic panic', not to mention the 'recovered memory' craze in which abuse was assumed a priori and anyone who said they hadn't been abused was 'in denial' and just had to keep working at remembering until they produced the appropriate narrative to accuse the witch, I mean, molester. No sirree bob, I promise you I will put, and keep, as much distance between myself and your kid as I can possibly manage, at all times.
1
I prefer to let my children think they're roaming free while keeping a close eye on them from a healthy distance. In the middle class neighborhood where I grew up and wandered all over unsupervised, one kid was accidentally shot by a hunter on an adjacent farm, one kid was killed while riding a bike, and another was sexually abused by a neighbor for years; talk about "anxiety, depression and various other mental disorders…" Too high a price to pay IMO.
10
When parenting sensibilities change as drastically as they have over the past few decades, there is a reason. I don't think it's so much a change in the crime rate as it is a decline in the sense of community. Even when kids roamed relatively free, they nonetheless confined themselves to the local community. At that time, you knew who lived in every home in the neighborhood and you even knew most of he folks working in neighborhood stores. So kids were not alone even when they appeared to be. It's not that way any more and it is perfectly natural for parents to adapt.
54
There is another major difference...24 hour news programs that need to be filled, even if they are telling us about things that are happening in California, while you live in New Hampshire. The other major problem is social media that both exaggerates and makes up stuff on a regular basis.
And, finally, with the internet, the average person can look up where the local predators are, which of course freaks them out. All this information drives parents crazy...can't argue with that, but I wouldn't have given up my childhood of roaming free for ANYTHING...I truly feel sorry for today's kids...they really don't have a clue what they are missing
And, finally, with the internet, the average person can look up where the local predators are, which of course freaks them out. All this information drives parents crazy...can't argue with that, but I wouldn't have given up my childhood of roaming free for ANYTHING...I truly feel sorry for today's kids...they really don't have a clue what they are missing
5
Media makes us afraid of our own shadows. Video games and other such electronics create kids to be lazy, anti-social, and convinced they live in a viral sort of world. Heed the call to open the doors and see one another...and the world will be a better place, for you, and me, just wait and see.
15
When I was a child, it was natural for children to go outside on their own. When children were able play outside, they were able to meet friends and devise their own games. They learn socialization skills and how to set and obey rules, without having an adult organize and supervise all interactions. They learn what behaviors work socially and which don't. They learn to make and keep friends. They learn independence. They are physically active and can use their imaginations to play and appreciate the outdoors. Children today are much poorer for the lack of such experiences.
29
Mr. Wergin is, respectfully, being very foolish. While the chance that his children encounter a child molester or kidnapper are vanishingly small, they will almost certainly meet up with the police and be subject to an encounter with the US penal system that's likely to be deeply traumatic. Let's be honest: the main reason most of us keep our older preteen kids inside is the fact that, if we don't, some busybody will call 911 and the bureaucratic-industrial system's wheels will be put in motion.
7
me thinks this guy needs to read Die Zietung less and any local newspaper he chooses more. I'm not worried about my kid scraping his knee or getting beat up by the neighborhood bully, I'm worried about my kid disappearing and ending up being found months later dead in a field somewhere, the victim of a kidnapping and god knows what else. Is this likely statistically? No, however my child is not a twenty dollar bill that can be replaced either. Unfortunately this is the society I live in, whether I like it or not, and I have to make my choices accordingly.
13
Thank you for substantiating his point: Reality, data, suggest that you are wrong. Life is risk, and the sooner your children learn to deal with risk, the more likely they will become independent.
Go ahead, keep your kids inside (and not getting natural Vitamin D), keep that tether on, keep advising them, and when they later in life can't function on their own, fully, remember this exchange.
Go ahead, keep your kids inside (and not getting natural Vitamin D), keep that tether on, keep advising them, and when they later in life can't function on their own, fully, remember this exchange.
2
The real problem is the chain of escalating importance - once you make something important, it can become very important, which becomes critically important which becomes THE most important. If you are not very, very careful sensible rules for your child's safety can become a crippling obsession for safety. And you end up with a mother feeding her ten year old because he could (maybe, possible, you never know) choke.
10
In our town, things are not so dire. We chose our suburb in part because we saw kids aged 8 running around town on their own, on foot and on bikes, when we were house shopping. We have sidewalks and a short walk to school, so I let my children walk on their own (as I did in elementary school). I wouldn't say my kids are totally free range (yet) but having the built environment support some free exploration is very important to support safe independence. Grownups in our community also look out for each other's kids like their own, for example reminding them to buckle their helmet straps.
14
"Grownups in our community also look out for each other's kids like their own, for example reminding them to buckle their helmet straps."
Helmet? Free Range? Do you realize the irony here?
Helmet? Free Range? Do you realize the irony here?
We live in Ct. with a five children. Our oldest son traveled back and forth to high school in Va., our youngest son in and out of NYC, and our daughters take the train/bus to and from school. The most surprising reaction to me. The number of parents who could never let their children travel alone like that. My younger son wanted to look at schools in Boston and Atlanta. He found older friends from high school to stay with. Took a bus to Boston and a plane to Atlanta both straight from his high school at the end of classes. He spent a couple days exploring both. People couldn't believe we let this 17 year old go (grow). All of these children have been through scouting programs with troop leaders who expected them to do the work. My kids are perfectly capable, they figured it out, and they have confidence in their own ability to make decisions. My parents did the same for me (and they didn't even have cell phones) and I expect my children to do the same for their children. Now my children are learning from their friends' reactions how shockingly independent they have been raised. There is a lot of irony here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "my friends are going. you don't let me doing anything !".
21
One point that needs some checking is the part about how parents were asked about their own childhood, and all remembered roaming freely. With everything we hear these days about the nature of memory, you have to ask, were they really as free as they remember? Or were their parents actually keeping some track of where they were roaming? I know that there was already some anxiety about abduction and molestation back in the sixties - there was a funny folk-song about a guy who offers a kid a candy bar and gets chased out of the neighborhood - I'm not saying things haven't changed a lot, I'm just saying that it would be hard to quantify just what life was like a generation ago. You would have to look at people's personal memories, but also at all kinds of other evidence from those days, parenting books, magazine articles and so on. We might not have been quite the little Huck Finns we like to remember.
4
I have a very clear memory of riding the train alone from our home in the Midwest to Los Angeles. The conductor was told I was alone, but that was it. I got off in LA and was met by my aunt. She lived in Long Beach and worked. I was alone all day and wanted something to remember the trip and so I walked thirteen blocks to downtown and bought whatever it was and walked home. She was surprised when I told her about my journey, but took it well. She did give me some words of warning about being in the city, but they weren't PC so I won't repeat them. This was 1959 and it was one of the highlights of my childhood.
It's not my imagination. I walked or rode my bike to school, sans helmet. Let myself in after school from 3rd grade on while both parents worked. Got dropped off at shopping malls with a credit card to buy my own clothes while still in elementary school - and told the maximum I could spend. My friends and I had the "my parents wll drop us off if if your parents will pick us up" arrangement so that we could go to the movies or the mall - although it was a big city, we were in the suburbs with very limited mass transit. We trick-or-treated in the neighborhood after dark without adult supervision. We were well aware of the dangers of getting into a car, etc. with strangers and acted accordingly. I'm not saying this is how you should raise your children. I'm just saying this Tired Old Fart is not making it up.
Note to Parents: The real threat to your children is the Climate Crisis.
19
What I'm about to say will probably offend some people, but the over-protection of children goes hand in hand with increased socio-economic diversity in our cities.
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It used to be, and it still is in Berlin and other European Cities, that the homeless, poor, mentally ill (and criminals) are confined to a handful of neighborhoods. Middle class people live in other areas, where feel comfortable letting their children out to play.
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The US today prides itself on being a melting pot at the neighborhood level: at least, that's what we are going for. It really is a wonderful thing, but it means that parents don't feel a sense of security in letting their kids out to play. This, to me, is why we watch them so closely.
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It used to be, and it still is in Berlin and other European Cities, that the homeless, poor, mentally ill (and criminals) are confined to a handful of neighborhoods. Middle class people live in other areas, where feel comfortable letting their children out to play.
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The US today prides itself on being a melting pot at the neighborhood level: at least, that's what we are going for. It really is a wonderful thing, but it means that parents don't feel a sense of security in letting their kids out to play. This, to me, is why we watch them so closely.
1
Baloney. The examples in this article are two very middle class to down right wealthy suburbs of Washington DC.
2
I am so very glad I was able to grow up in a time when kids got to run wild outside. If only my mom had known how dangerous it was to play sardines with 20 other kids from the neighborhood.
3
One of the reasons you don't see a lot of children around the neighborhood after school may likely be that those children are in after-school care every day because both parents work.
When I was a child growing up in the 70s, most everyone had a parent at home after-school, or as in our case, when our mother had to return to work, which she did intermittently as finances required, we had a babysitter at home. (A high school student no less.)
Many of my kids' friends stay after school until 5:30 or 6 p.m. when their parents are finished with work. Some of the lucky ones --or with younger siblings at home -- have a nanny, who then takes them to after-school activities, like soccer or piano lessons.
Part of the reason kids lack the freedom they once did has a lot to do with economics and not just shifting social norms.
When I was a child growing up in the 70s, most everyone had a parent at home after-school, or as in our case, when our mother had to return to work, which she did intermittently as finances required, we had a babysitter at home. (A high school student no less.)
Many of my kids' friends stay after school until 5:30 or 6 p.m. when their parents are finished with work. Some of the lucky ones --or with younger siblings at home -- have a nanny, who then takes them to after-school activities, like soccer or piano lessons.
Part of the reason kids lack the freedom they once did has a lot to do with economics and not just shifting social norms.
408
In SF during the late 1960s - 1970s, when I was a child, most of my friends and I were 'latchkey' kids. We all called our moms at work when we got home, and then played in our neighborhood. The little kids (5-7 yo) who didn't have older sibs had babysitters, and the one or two stay at home moms and a couple of retired folks kept an eye out for us. And we all knew they had our parents' phone numbers. There really was safety in numbers... Very few kids did after school programs, except for the kids that had catechism or Hebrew school. We all had a lot of fun.
A sensible comment! Thank you.
I had a mostly free-range childhood, but I also remember being a little bit frightened when I wasn't sure exactly which bus stop to get off at for my walk to a piano teacher's house. But that is what we are talking about here. Gradual learning about the outside world.
It is worth noting that my town was quiet and considered safe, and also that the population of the country was around 130 million. Lots more variety and numbers today.
I can see being more protective with young kids, but at some point, parents also are responsible for helping their children learn to negotiate the real world.
Giant six-year olds in strollers, as one person mentioned, is not my idea of childrearing!
An underlying issue is the total removal of nature and the outdoors from these sheltered kids' lives. Discovery, running around opportunities should be provided for children, too.
I had a mostly free-range childhood, but I also remember being a little bit frightened when I wasn't sure exactly which bus stop to get off at for my walk to a piano teacher's house. But that is what we are talking about here. Gradual learning about the outside world.
It is worth noting that my town was quiet and considered safe, and also that the population of the country was around 130 million. Lots more variety and numbers today.
I can see being more protective with young kids, but at some point, parents also are responsible for helping their children learn to negotiate the real world.
Giant six-year olds in strollers, as one person mentioned, is not my idea of childrearing!
An underlying issue is the total removal of nature and the outdoors from these sheltered kids' lives. Discovery, running around opportunities should be provided for children, too.
1
You are exactly correct.
I recently posted a picture on facebook of my"building" friends in Manhattan from the 50's.. There were 10 of us. We would go out in the morning in the summer and play all day, home for lunch and back out. No supervision. I traveled all over the city on subways...as I got older.
When I raised my children in the suburbs, they went out to play too..
I was talking to someone the other day who said that it is not like that now, everything is play dates...I used to be afraid when my boys walked to school because of the Etan Patz disappearance, they were his age. My older son said I referred to it a lot. Maybe that is what has happened...so many painful crimes over the years and with our instant knowledge it seems more than before. So the FDR "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" is true but we have concluded there is more to fear...predators everywhere, real or imagined.
When I raised my children in the suburbs, they went out to play too..
I was talking to someone the other day who said that it is not like that now, everything is play dates...I used to be afraid when my boys walked to school because of the Etan Patz disappearance, they were his age. My older son said I referred to it a lot. Maybe that is what has happened...so many painful crimes over the years and with our instant knowledge it seems more than before. So the FDR "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" is true but we have concluded there is more to fear...predators everywhere, real or imagined.
9
This is one of those articles where everyone's situation is going to be different. Who knows? Maybe there are a lot of families in this neighborhood where both the parents work, and the kids are doing aftercare somewhere (and happily playing games or running around some gym/park). Or maybe the yards aren't huge and the parents tend to take kids to playgrounds to run around with other kids. And even if the road is "traffic safe"---maybe parents don't want to take a chance that some distracted texting driver is aware that little Joey is playing in the street.
"And we thought we had come to the land of the free."
See, they leave out the last few words: "...Free to do what they say we can do."
See, they leave out the last few words: "...Free to do what they say we can do."
7
"Unsubstantiated child neglect" indeed. I wonder what CPS these days would have done with me. I was a single mother, my daughter was a latchkey kid. I taught her how to handle a rifle at age 10, and the next year taught her how to drive. There was a handgun in the house. I also taught her how to do basic maintenance on a car, all this in addition to the usual cooking lessons and how to keep house and care for the cats. She turns a mean wrench.
She has children of her own now and her comment on how I raised her is (and I quote) "It is better to have the skill and not need it than to need it and not have it." My granddaughter a couple of days ago just shot her first machine gun. Do I need to be afraid of the thought police at this point?
She has children of her own now and her comment on how I raised her is (and I quote) "It is better to have the skill and not need it than to need it and not have it." My granddaughter a couple of days ago just shot her first machine gun. Do I need to be afraid of the thought police at this point?
6
It's a very sad day for our children. I'm constantly amazed by how many parents I speak to absolutely will regale me with the stories of their adolescence (parks! skateboarding! riding their bikes all around their neighborhood!) - yet will absolutely not let their children have these same experiences. My question to you is this: when you were younger, crime was worse. Why won't you let your children have these same experiences? By all accounts, YOU turned out just fine. Why take that away from your little ones? Your irrational fears?
27
Walk to the park? Most parents won't even let their children go to the bathroom by themselves in a restaurant. Parents really see predators hiding in every corner waiting to hurt their children.
I was something of a free range parent and had the "relative risk" discussion many times. Truthfully the concept was just very difficult for many people to grasp. They make their decisions emotionally, so the most frightening things feel like the highest risk. Telling them it is a low risk just baffles them, because any risk above zero is unacceptable. And the only thing parents need to convince them that the risk is above zero is a single horror story.
I think this judging of risk based on severity of outcome rather than probability of occurrence is a major factor in many bizarre parent behaviors, including avoiding vaccinations.
I used to tell people I figured we were more likely to win the lottery than be the victims of a child predator. And I wasn't letting the lottery impact my parenting choices. But when authorities start to get in the game,I wonder. How can they accuse parents of neglect for doing something that isn't unsafe?
I was something of a free range parent and had the "relative risk" discussion many times. Truthfully the concept was just very difficult for many people to grasp. They make their decisions emotionally, so the most frightening things feel like the highest risk. Telling them it is a low risk just baffles them, because any risk above zero is unacceptable. And the only thing parents need to convince them that the risk is above zero is a single horror story.
I think this judging of risk based on severity of outcome rather than probability of occurrence is a major factor in many bizarre parent behaviors, including avoiding vaccinations.
I used to tell people I figured we were more likely to win the lottery than be the victims of a child predator. And I wasn't letting the lottery impact my parenting choices. But when authorities start to get in the game,I wonder. How can they accuse parents of neglect for doing something that isn't unsafe?
31
You are right on...and, yet, all these parents allow a family friend or relative into their children's lives without a thought...declaring to their children that they can be trusted and the statistics clearly show that when it comes to molestation, it will most likely be by someone they know and their parents trusted
Here is a radical thought, don't buy your kids a play station. I know, the horror! But it is really that simple. They will learn to play, like kids have done for millenniums.
I was a free range kid who never came inside or put on shoes in the warm months. It was great. I do remember a couple times when some creepy guy would drive by us, stop, and call us over to his car. But there was a herd of
us on the range and thus protection in that herd.
You cannot protect your children all their lives. Set some boundaries, but let them make some mistakes too. It is from those mistakes that they learn about life.
I was a free range kid who never came inside or put on shoes in the warm months. It was great. I do remember a couple times when some creepy guy would drive by us, stop, and call us over to his car. But there was a herd of
us on the range and thus protection in that herd.
You cannot protect your children all their lives. Set some boundaries, but let them make some mistakes too. It is from those mistakes that they learn about life.
17
I grew up in an era when children were free to roam. I got on my bicycle and traveled miles. For most youngsters, those days are gone, gone, gone.
8
My mom was so permissive, if I told you some of the many things she allowed me without supervision, you would think she was trying to get rid of me. That was in the 50's-60's. I survived and grew up with tons of self-confidence.
10
My kids were raised in a small town, population about 7,000 within an area of 1.5 miles. They did enjoy some measures of freedom that the writer lonnged for while growing up. That was back in the 90's. The real estate agents often describe it as "Norman Rockwell-like" living to potential buyers and is a strong selling point. This is not a wealthy town by any means but is a place full of committed parents and neighbors who look out for each other. In order for a community to succeed as a safe place to raise kids, it needs to be small in size with street layouts conducive to walking, biking and not too close to highways. It helps to have a restricted development policy and plenty of open space for play that are not isolated in some corners. Most of all it needs to have stable households with parents who are actively committed to their kids, neighbors, schools in order to make it a better place for everyone.
2
The first warm day we had this winter our street was running over with playing children. Bicycle riding, basketball in driveways, footballs flying across yards. It was as if summer had arrived without the lemonade stands. There was not an adult within sight.
Mr. Wergin moved to the wrong neighborhood.
Mr. Wergin moved to the wrong neighborhood.
2
We had a vsit from ct DCF after our busybody neighbors called about my 13 year old being outside playing on his own. The complaints mainly took the form of reporting bored and rude behavior with their own interpretation on it and mentioning that the parents are never outside with him.
I don't know whether the case is closed or not, and don't care. I have no respect at all for the process, and couldn't care less if I'm on their stupid naughty list.
I don't know whether the case is closed or not, and don't care. I have no respect at all for the process, and couldn't care less if I'm on their stupid naughty list.
10
They probably didn't like the noise, so they complained to the agency that they thought would give you the biggest scare, since a noise complaint against a 13 year old is pretty lame.
4
The 24/7/365 incessant drone of media looking for any/all sensational news has definitely warped American sensibilities. We seem to think the whole world is composed of pedophiles, or kidnappers, or muggers, or.....take your pick. The reality is all of it is as minor a happening now as it has ever been. The only thing that has changed is...the media's never ending focus on it, and our concomitant viewing and watching of it. As a consequence we warp each other.
In any case I think, regarding children, it comes to that which was expressed by the author:
"....but I know I won’t be around forever to protect my girls from the challenges life holds in store for them, so the earlier they develop the intellectual maturity to navigate the world, the better. "
Indeed. If you're truly focused on the proper rearing of a non-toxic, self-motivated and confident adult this is the only focus you should have as their parent. You cannot bubble-wrap them in a nanny state. But you CAN do your best to prepare them to face their future....alone....without you there. And this is the only way, free ranging them.
Just saying is all.
John~
American Net'Zen
In any case I think, regarding children, it comes to that which was expressed by the author:
"....but I know I won’t be around forever to protect my girls from the challenges life holds in store for them, so the earlier they develop the intellectual maturity to navigate the world, the better. "
Indeed. If you're truly focused on the proper rearing of a non-toxic, self-motivated and confident adult this is the only focus you should have as their parent. You cannot bubble-wrap them in a nanny state. But you CAN do your best to prepare them to face their future....alone....without you there. And this is the only way, free ranging them.
Just saying is all.
John~
American Net'Zen
11
Free-range parenting is absolutely the right way to go. We may never get back to the pre-WWII days when it was not uncommon for children, especially in summer, to disappear for days instead of hours without anyone growing frantic or even worried that something might have happened to them, but we should at least return to the freedoms that middle-aged people (mostly) enjoyed as kids. Above all else it should be emphasized that your child is much more likely to be endangered by someone she knows (perhaps very well) than a total stranger. Children are already too enthralled with electronics that make staying home for hours on end far more appealing than it ever was to earlier generations, when, among other things, many parents would all but lock their children out of the house on summer or even weekend days and tell them to go do something (virtually anything). Today's kids really need free-range parents more than their predecessors did.
7
Quick, go out and buy a dozen guns to stop yourself being attacked by; Canadians, Mexicans, Redcoats, The Feds, The FBI, The National Guard, Obama, kids at schools packing heat and rocket launchers, armed teachers who haven't been properly trained in firearm use. Or go and live in s sensible country where that sort of stuff is comparably rare. And to the morons who see where I come from and say guns have been banned in Australia, that the Government took them all from us and gun crime is rampant, all of that is utterly untrue and a fiction of various gun-nut websites in the US.
47
this is bad advice....parents are meant to protect. that is why children are legally considered to be Not Adult. As a small child I watched a storm drain rushing like a river in the street during a big storm. I thought it looked like a fun place to play..thankfully the windows were closed! becoming a parent is not for the faint of heart or indifferent. hope this adult gets help before heartbreaking disaster. talk to your child.
Herr Wergin, welcome to modern America. A land of truly exceptionally irrational fear. We are #1, and never forget it...
30
I was in 5th grade when I started delivering papers, and I had a very big route. Not a great neighborhood, but okay. So, not only was I a nine year old girl roaming free, I also had a wad of cash on Friday.
Never got robbed, never got raped. This was back the mid-80s. And there was fear back then too. I think the difference was the state didn't criminalize "negligent" parenting.
My hairdresser always tells me that he was frightened that social services was going to take him away from his mom because his neighbors thought he had too much freedom. He grew up in the 90s.
Never got robbed, never got raped. This was back the mid-80s. And there was fear back then too. I think the difference was the state didn't criminalize "negligent" parenting.
My hairdresser always tells me that he was frightened that social services was going to take him away from his mom because his neighbors thought he had too much freedom. He grew up in the 90s.
6
While I agree with the overall gist of this essay, I just want to point out an analytical flaw.
The author writes, "only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger; the overwhelming majority were abducted by a family member. That same year, 2,931 children under 15 died as passengers in car accidents. Driving children around is statistically more dangerous than letting them roam freely." But they don't "roam freely," they are hovered over by overprotective parents. That's one of the premises of the essay. One could argue that children have been saved from predators by doting parents.
The author writes, "only 115 children nationwide were victims of a “stereotypical kidnapping” by a stranger; the overwhelming majority were abducted by a family member. That same year, 2,931 children under 15 died as passengers in car accidents. Driving children around is statistically more dangerous than letting them roam freely." But they don't "roam freely," they are hovered over by overprotective parents. That's one of the premises of the essay. One could argue that children have been saved from predators by doting parents.
5
Although he didn't amplify on your excellent observation, the crime statistics show that abductions and kidnapping by strangers have been constant for decades. Yes, the slow slide downward probably does indicate some results from helicoptering parents, but it's essentially still the same.
Even if halved by some criteria, considering the millions of children, it's statistically a non-event. Lotteries and lightning, ya know?
Even if halved by some criteria, considering the millions of children, it's statistically a non-event. Lotteries and lightning, ya know?
1
I think two issues are conflated here. One is the personal choice of how far to let your kids "roam free" unattended. This is at the end of the day a personal choice. Yes, things happen to some kids when they are left unattended. Nothing happens to some. It is the parents' choice to decide what risk they are willing to take. It is at the end a personal decision.
The other issue is the gross overstepping of the government, which is absolutely horrifying. To me the most frightening thing about the Maryland case is the grey area of law. How can parents act in legal ways if they don't know what the law is? The idea of being investigated for something that is not on the books is alarming. I think Child Services should not be able to investigate parents for things that are not laid out as "illegal" in some formal way. Otherwise we are just at the whims of random bureaucrats who can use personal judgement to decide our fate.
The other issue is the gross overstepping of the government, which is absolutely horrifying. To me the most frightening thing about the Maryland case is the grey area of law. How can parents act in legal ways if they don't know what the law is? The idea of being investigated for something that is not on the books is alarming. I think Child Services should not be able to investigate parents for things that are not laid out as "illegal" in some formal way. Otherwise we are just at the whims of random bureaucrats who can use personal judgement to decide our fate.
609
I agree, kas. I keep thinking about the charge for which the Mietivs were convicted - "unsubstantiated child neglect". How can anyone be convicted of something unsubstantiated?
2
No gray area, Maryland law states that a child under the age of 8 may not be left unattended at home or outside. If there is a guardian that person must be 13 or older. In this case the parents allowed their 10 year old to supervise a 6 year old so if there is an issue it is with the law. Police and CPS followed up on complaints by neighbors. If anything did happen to these children people would then be questing why the police did not do anything about these violations. The other issue, while I agree that children should be allowed to walk to a local park is that the 1 mile walk was on very dangerous Georgia Ave where pedestrian deaths are not unheard of. Plus hanging a sign on your child announcing that they are free range kids is an invitation to anyone with evil intentions.
2
las, new york:
"The other issue is the gross overstepping of the government"
***
There is a pattern here. When something bad happens, our first reaction is to try to protect others. It's how Americans have learned to deal with their negative feelings of sadness, anger, etc. We respond through our "causes." We create foundations, start annual walks, pass laws, etc. We "do" to undo what has happened.
It's well intentioned but like most good things, too much of it becomes harmful. Americans are great at creating but not at moderation.
"The other issue is the gross overstepping of the government"
***
There is a pattern here. When something bad happens, our first reaction is to try to protect others. It's how Americans have learned to deal with their negative feelings of sadness, anger, etc. We respond through our "causes." We create foundations, start annual walks, pass laws, etc. We "do" to undo what has happened.
It's well intentioned but like most good things, too much of it becomes harmful. Americans are great at creating but not at moderation.
How fortunate we are to receive the wisdom of another smug European who can criticize an element of America's parenting trends. Berlin's train systems are, in fact, not riddled with independent 6 year olds riding around looking for pet owners. If using your best judgement to protect your child from the dangers (no matter how small) in this world is viewed wrong, then I don't want to be right....or German.
8
What exactly are you protecting your child from? The crime rate against children has been pretty steady for decades. What has change since the advent of the computer and internet is the sensationalizing of news of any crime.
7
Smug. Exactly right. The word I was looking for.
On the first morning no less in a foreign country to be so confident of the safety of his 8 year old child, who, my my point of view was missing for not telling anyone she was leaving the house!
I guess they just do these things better in Germany.
On the first morning no less in a foreign country to be so confident of the safety of his 8 year old child, who, my my point of view was missing for not telling anyone she was leaving the house!
I guess they just do these things better in Germany.
1
In Germany, most women do not work because kids get out of school around noon and eat lunch at home. As a result, there are always adults around the neighborhoods, making it much safer for kids to roam around. Neighborhoods are more close knit too, probably because the moms are at home. In the US, people living on the same block often do not know each other. There are no sidewalks, and no one is home in most of the houses. It just isn't as safe or supportive here for kids
3
Clem, keep that up and you will face a judicial hearing to get your child back.
2
A wonderful piece. My wife grew up in the post WWII era and were given a great deal of freedom. We in turn allowed our two sons to roam. When did America stop being the land of the brave and the free and become a land of neurotic cowards?
34
We can blame the 24 hour news cycle with cultivating a pervasive fear by hyping the exploits of criminals and child molesters. We can look at road design which has for many years catered to car traffic at the expense of pedestrians and people (including kids) on bicycles. We can worry about the proliferation of guns and whether or not our child might come into contact with an unsecured one. We have lots concerns that weren’t on the agenda of our parents and police departments run by people worried about worst-case scenarios.
The list of reasons can be long, but at its base is the fragmentation of social networks, exacerbated by income inequality. Americans in the past 30 years have lost a sense of basic trust in one another, finding it safer or less emotionally messy to spend our time in front of tiny screens “consuming content” and forgetting how much fun it can be to have a face to face conversation, even with someone you don’t know. We have forgotten the value of unregulated play and open-ended time to pursue it. Our lives are slowly constricting around us. Our children live the lives we lead.
We have traded social capital for a capitalist utopia where we have the freedom to buy whatever is on the market except actual freedom; the freedom that really matters - from want and from fear and of self-expression.
The list of reasons can be long, but at its base is the fragmentation of social networks, exacerbated by income inequality. Americans in the past 30 years have lost a sense of basic trust in one another, finding it safer or less emotionally messy to spend our time in front of tiny screens “consuming content” and forgetting how much fun it can be to have a face to face conversation, even with someone you don’t know. We have forgotten the value of unregulated play and open-ended time to pursue it. Our lives are slowly constricting around us. Our children live the lives we lead.
We have traded social capital for a capitalist utopia where we have the freedom to buy whatever is on the market except actual freedom; the freedom that really matters - from want and from fear and of self-expression.
485
Fritz Lang's 1931 film "M" comes to mind. Basically, it is not just about a child serial murderer, but about the dependence on Authority to make and keep the children safe, and the sensationalism of the press, with an almost instantaneous news news cycle. But I think the film is mostly about how a system which undermines normal human activity by replacing it with fear, is creating the necessary precursors to putting an authoritarian system in place.
When I was young before we moved to Florida when I was 13 I wandered the city daily. I'd leave the apartment early in the morning and hang on the back of a bus to Highland Park or Prospect Park. I'd sneak onto the Subway and go to anywhere in the city rarely with any plans. I sneaked into the 1964 World's Fair twice. I'd spend the day just riding the trains from end to end, form transfer point to transfer point. Sometimes I just went to the library on Irving Avenue. I watched an autopsy through a window at Wyckoff Heights Hospital. I'd get home at dark and my Mother would ask me where I'd been. "Around" I'd say. I never told her where I'd been ever and then at 18 I moved out. I'm 63 now and she still doesn't know where I've been. Note: I was expelled from PS 86 when I was 10 and had a whole year to wander.
9
I let my 10 year old walk to the park (1/2 mile), bike the trails in our neighborhood, walk home from piano (1mile). . .it is good for him, he asks to do it, etc.
My biggest fear is not that something will happen to him. . . it is that one of my neighbors will call the cops on me. And we live in a very nice upper income neighborhood that is safe, filled with parks and trails and helicopter parents.
My biggest fear is not that something will happen to him. . . it is that one of my neighbors will call the cops on me. And we live in a very nice upper income neighborhood that is safe, filled with parks and trails and helicopter parents.
46
I enjoyed reading this op-ed because we are experiencing the opposite. We are in the process of moving to Denmark and staying here for the next two years, at least. Our 10 year old son started school here this past January. Now he goes to school and comes back home by himself. Still, we bought him a cell phone and ask him to text us when he gets at school. The change is slower processed by us. He, on the other hand, is so proud of this new freedom. Another day, after school, he was allowed to go with two schoolmates to the house of one of them, by bus. I was uneasy at first... When we picked him up later, it was easy to see how much he enjoyed the experience. There are many things we don't enjoy here but this cultural aspect has been very positive for our little family.
20
We are the land of the free but not the land of stupid parents. Children always faced the same risks as in previous decades and parents are just more informed than ever so keep their children on a short lease so to speak. I hope this writer is not like the parents form Scandinavia - a few years ago, reportedly who went into a West Village - Tribeca cafe to have drinks at a window table while their kid sat in a stroller outside their window. Soon enough the couple got up and stood at the bar - absorbed - forgetting about the child. Someone called the police noticing an unattended child, alone outside on a spring day. It's what we do with dogs right? Well the parents were found inside the cafe and they pleaded to NYPD that Scandinavian parents are not as overbearing. Protective services were called in and guess what - I am certain those irresponsible parents never left that 2 year old alone ever again! The writer indicates his daughter met local dog owners etc - I glad she didn't meet the wrong type of dog owner - remember Ethan Patz folks?
1
I can’t imagine how cramped and stifled kids must feel today, when the entire culture wants to swaddle them in electronic diapers and rob them of the use of their bodies. What a different kid’s world it was forty-five years ago when I got my first bicycle! What power we felt in our legs!
Today, for most American kids, a 10-minute walk or bike ride to school is unthinkable; our youth are taught that they are essentially helpless without the auto industry. The same process is taking place with communications technology. Where in the past, a child could relish his or her freedom from the social world, children are now required to have smartphones, and to be continuously jacked-in to the Matrix — increasingly, so they can be monitored by adults.
This change in children’s existential condition goes a long way towards explaining the malaise I see in my college freshmen — half of whom are on some type of psychotropic medication, half of whom are overweight and pre-diabetic, and the majority living in some sort of electronically-mediated fantasy world. Childhood — previously the period when one learned to exert one’s natural physical and intellectual abilities — has been transformed into schooling in consumerism — that is, abject dependency.
Today, for most American kids, a 10-minute walk or bike ride to school is unthinkable; our youth are taught that they are essentially helpless without the auto industry. The same process is taking place with communications technology. Where in the past, a child could relish his or her freedom from the social world, children are now required to have smartphones, and to be continuously jacked-in to the Matrix — increasingly, so they can be monitored by adults.
This change in children’s existential condition goes a long way towards explaining the malaise I see in my college freshmen — half of whom are on some type of psychotropic medication, half of whom are overweight and pre-diabetic, and the majority living in some sort of electronically-mediated fantasy world. Childhood — previously the period when one learned to exert one’s natural physical and intellectual abilities — has been transformed into schooling in consumerism — that is, abject dependency.
147
Exactly right. Free range children don't provide much of a market. Children who learn how to entertain themselves outside don't buy much stuff.
5
Yes.
My work frequently takes me to a large, well-known college campus and I cannot believe how out of shape, glued-to-the-smartphone and neurotic so many of the students are -- and this is supposedly one of the most elite student bodies in the country. Timid, passive, barely aware of current events. I'm often asking myself "if this is the elite, then what are the rejects like?"
My client tells me her work-study student is 21, about to graduate with a degree in economics and still needs supervision from his far-away parents to make sure his rent is paid and other minor tasks of living. They are arranging his job interviews, plane tickets and other things he as an adult should be doing. I mean, men his age were fighter pilots in other eras, now they need mommy to call Delta to make their plane reservations! And my client says he's one of the better ones, with at least a tad of initiative.
My work frequently takes me to a large, well-known college campus and I cannot believe how out of shape, glued-to-the-smartphone and neurotic so many of the students are -- and this is supposedly one of the most elite student bodies in the country. Timid, passive, barely aware of current events. I'm often asking myself "if this is the elite, then what are the rejects like?"
My client tells me her work-study student is 21, about to graduate with a degree in economics and still needs supervision from his far-away parents to make sure his rent is paid and other minor tasks of living. They are arranging his job interviews, plane tickets and other things he as an adult should be doing. I mean, men his age were fighter pilots in other eras, now they need mommy to call Delta to make their plane reservations! And my client says he's one of the better ones, with at least a tad of initiative.
1
Parent's can't control their emotions. Simple as that. The fact that the United States is far, far safer on every measure than when we were kids (mid 50's here with three children) is something incomprehensible to them because they are anxiety ridden and immature. Unable to appreciate true danger parents today assume the absolute worst rather than adjust their expectations to the most likely. Children suffer because their parents never grew up themselves and accepted the fact that we cannot control (an probably shouldn't) our experiences of the World and others.
17
Well stated. As adult members of our respective neighborhoods, our duty to wandering children is not to call the police to have their parents arrested. Our job as good citizens is to make sure they appear to be keeping themselves out of trouble. If we, as a community, can manage to look away from our screens to keep a casual eye on our kids and their friends as they run through the neighborhood, all but the most minor of scrapes and bruises will usually be avoided. This illusion of total freedom is one the best things you will ever give your child.
548
My kids did not have "total" freedom: it was tempered by their knowledge that I was trusting them to behave in responsible ways. If their freedom was abused - the reins drew in.
2
Great comment - The village raises and looks out for the child.
2
Paul, I agree with you. The big However is that so many people are not at home, and many keep to themselves. How many people buy a new home and don't get to know their neighbors? My Mom's advice many years ago was that if a man acting "funny" follows you, go to the next house, knock on the door and the lady of the house will let you in. You tell me, how often is that going to happen today?
4
Let the Kids run and play, stay outside all the day
5
Further, Berlin and NYC while both are large cosmopolitan cities have totally different security/social mindsets. Berlin is of course very "Teutonic" and controlled where nothing bad ever happens like kids getting kidnapped or accosted (at least not in the hearing of Americans). NYC is frankly much less structured and much more free range. Different cities. similar yet different cultures.
It's no wonder that so many kids "bounce back" after college. They have never been trained to live on their own. Helping our kids learn how to explore and survive in the world - first with baby steps, then with increasing freedom - is intrinsic to the job of a parent. We have failed when we do not produce independent young adults.
Thank you for questioning our nanny state!
Thank you for questioning our nanny state!
390
The first order of parenting is to protect the child/children, even if tht makes the parent appear "uncool" or restrictive. In college I worked at a vet emergency hospital's midnight shift. One night an owner brought in a beautiful black lab that had jumped off the bed of his truck while he was doing 75 mph on the freeway. The dog was little more than jelly and we had to put it down. The owner was beside himself, and in tears he appeared genuinely puzzled why his dog had done that. "I just didn't think about tethering her. She never did that before" was all he kept repeating to me.
Parents have to be vigilant because some things cannot even happen just once. Yes, it is good to teach children responsibility and self-efficacy, but some things cannot ever happen.
Parents have to be vigilant because some things cannot even happen just once. Yes, it is good to teach children responsibility and self-efficacy, but some things cannot ever happen.
6
The home-bound kids don't seem safer. Most abusers are adults known to the family or child. Indoor kids don't seem to be given the resources to get away.
5
The answer is that children will be grabbed and raped and murdered by predators. Stan Patz sic, is the example I'd hold out for others to see. When I was a small child back in the 50s, my parents would not let me ride my bike to a friends house down the road in a nice neighborhood. I could however ride my horse to town. My parents were right. Both in old days and now, and both in cities and countryside, kids and women get snatched and sexually assaulted and murdered. Fact of life. Free range is not good for kids or dogs or cats or anything you do not want assaulted and murdered.
3
A child is not a dog or cat.
I could not agree more.
5
I believe this is a very important article and a subject I've discussed with my wife many times during the raising of our only child.
I come from a family of five, so close supervision wasn't even an option for my mother, and of all my siblings, I was the most prone to wandering the neighborhood alone. Most of the significant memories of my childhood occurred during these solo sojourns and are a major part of the person I am now.
My son didn't enjoy the same freedom. Why? Well, in our community two girls have been kidnapped and never seen again. They may have been murdered by one or two of our neighbors- there is no way to know.
For most Americans the reason probably has to do with sensationalized news that focuses on unusual tragedies to draw our attention and distorts our vision of the world into a place much more threatening that it really is. Probably helps sell a lot of anti-anxiety meds as well.
A parallel tragedy of change in typical American childhood is the over obtrusiveness of parents, where kids spend non-school time being shuttled from one adult controlled activity to another in an attempt to create a person ready to survive in a very competitive world.
I would bet all those soccer, martial arts and various "character building" activities do far less to stimulate creative thinking and the ability to negotiate with piers than unsupervised play between children.
I come from a family of five, so close supervision wasn't even an option for my mother, and of all my siblings, I was the most prone to wandering the neighborhood alone. Most of the significant memories of my childhood occurred during these solo sojourns and are a major part of the person I am now.
My son didn't enjoy the same freedom. Why? Well, in our community two girls have been kidnapped and never seen again. They may have been murdered by one or two of our neighbors- there is no way to know.
For most Americans the reason probably has to do with sensationalized news that focuses on unusual tragedies to draw our attention and distorts our vision of the world into a place much more threatening that it really is. Probably helps sell a lot of anti-anxiety meds as well.
A parallel tragedy of change in typical American childhood is the over obtrusiveness of parents, where kids spend non-school time being shuttled from one adult controlled activity to another in an attempt to create a person ready to survive in a very competitive world.
I would bet all those soccer, martial arts and various "character building" activities do far less to stimulate creative thinking and the ability to negotiate with piers than unsupervised play between children.
7
There's some history to know, that you may have missed. One case, for example -- Jacob Wetterling -- that is well know and essentially changed history -- at least for people in the Midwest at the time. From Wikipedia:
"Jacob Wetterling, his brother, and a friend were cycling home from a convenience store on October 22, 1989, when a masked gunman came out of a driveway and ordered the boys to throw their bikes into a ditch and lie down on the ground. He then asked each boy his age. Jacob's brother was told to run toward a nearby wooded area and not look back or else he would be shot. Subsequently, the gunman asked to view the faces of both boys. He picked Jacob, and told his friend to run away and not look back otherwise he would shoot. The whereabouts of Jacob and the identity of the gunman remain unknown."
The Jacob Wetterling was a major, major upheaval at the time. Jacob was 11 and he was taken -- in broad daylight, in front of another child. Never found, and the kidnapper has never been found. There was a time when an 8 or 6 year-old may have been OK unsupervised, walking around a neighborhood. Not anymore.
I believe there was a time when all adults were considered part of parenting children. Watching them, keeping them safe. Now, it seems to be the parents' responsibility -- helped by professionals such as teachers and counselors. I would not recommend your approach to 'free range parenting.' Child protection agencies are not going to understand!
"Jacob Wetterling, his brother, and a friend were cycling home from a convenience store on October 22, 1989, when a masked gunman came out of a driveway and ordered the boys to throw their bikes into a ditch and lie down on the ground. He then asked each boy his age. Jacob's brother was told to run toward a nearby wooded area and not look back or else he would be shot. Subsequently, the gunman asked to view the faces of both boys. He picked Jacob, and told his friend to run away and not look back otherwise he would shoot. The whereabouts of Jacob and the identity of the gunman remain unknown."
The Jacob Wetterling was a major, major upheaval at the time. Jacob was 11 and he was taken -- in broad daylight, in front of another child. Never found, and the kidnapper has never been found. There was a time when an 8 or 6 year-old may have been OK unsupervised, walking around a neighborhood. Not anymore.
I believe there was a time when all adults were considered part of parenting children. Watching them, keeping them safe. Now, it seems to be the parents' responsibility -- helped by professionals such as teachers and counselors. I would not recommend your approach to 'free range parenting.' Child protection agencies are not going to understand!
3
I am dismayed to say the least at the modern belief that children should be watched and monitored. I grew up in a suburb in NJ. By the age of 8 years my friends and I were all over town (at least our quadrant of town for we seldom felt the need to wander further) on our bikes and on foot. We went to the large county park in town (near the foot of our street, but across a through street with no crossing lights or guards) to the playground and shot all around the park on our bikes. No one, not even our stay-at-home moms, thought to drive us to each other's houses even though some of us lived nearly a mile apart.
It is not that crime is worse today. It is that communication is more intrusive so that every crime, even those across the country, are hyped and discussed so that the world seems more dangerous. I feel sorry for today's kids. They are missing a lot. They are also getting unfortunate messages about their 'dangerous' world. They are also getting fat for lack of activities we took for granted.
It is not that crime is worse today. It is that communication is more intrusive so that every crime, even those across the country, are hyped and discussed so that the world seems more dangerous. I feel sorry for today's kids. They are missing a lot. They are also getting unfortunate messages about their 'dangerous' world. They are also getting fat for lack of activities we took for granted.
97
"And we thought we had come to the land of the free."
A nice exit line, but that's all! Where have you been? This is the land that refuses to prevent guns getting into the hands of the mentally ill, or of anyone else, where a large fraction of its leadership haven't seen a war that they don't like, where mass shootings in schools characterizes the last two decades, and you wonder why parents might be over-protective. Raising children has always been challenging and how to aid the growth of balanced, sane young people in a society that is running amok is a really important question. We're giving up on education, giving up on social justice and listening to Dr Phil, Dr Jill and Dr Bill for half-baked TV-driven advice. Being a parent always has been a great responsibility and maybe there's not just one way of doing it well, but many.
A nice exit line, but that's all! Where have you been? This is the land that refuses to prevent guns getting into the hands of the mentally ill, or of anyone else, where a large fraction of its leadership haven't seen a war that they don't like, where mass shootings in schools characterizes the last two decades, and you wonder why parents might be over-protective. Raising children has always been challenging and how to aid the growth of balanced, sane young people in a society that is running amok is a really important question. We're giving up on education, giving up on social justice and listening to Dr Phil, Dr Jill and Dr Bill for half-baked TV-driven advice. Being a parent always has been a great responsibility and maybe there's not just one way of doing it well, but many.
20
I think you missed the point of his exit line. He is being sarcastic, and justifiably so.
4
Could it be because of the pedophiles?
9
All the shows and 24-hour news coverage of pedophiles.
26
Yes, but that is a fear, not a fact. Children are at their highest risk with a family member, church member, or close family friend.
20
No greater chance of getting targeted by a pedophile in 2015 than in 1965. Beyond that most child abductions are by people known to the child.
13
If ever the United States is invaded by foreign troops, just think what a cake walk it will be for them.
20
As our best and brightest, sit shivering with terror in their McMansions in their gated communities -- having long since let their guns be confiscated by Big Government and the nanny state.
1
I grew up in NYC and had a "free-range" child hood, walking to kindergarten five blocks on my own, letting myself in our house with my own keys after school as both my parents worked, taking the subway all over the city when I was 9.
I was also molested, more than once, on a crowded R train on my way to school, as were many of my girlfriends. I reported it to the school and the police the first two times, but there was nothing that could be done. I had to take the subway to get to school. I started wearing a huge backpack so these creeps couldn't get that close to me.
There was also an attempt to lure me into a car by a man wearing nothing more than the proverbial trench coat and black knee socks. This man made attempts on several boys and girls in the neighborhood near a local park. We were taught to run away--and we did. The man tried to chase one of my friends and was thankfully caught, but we all had nightmares about this guy,
I have no doubt that these things would still happen if children were on the train or on the street by themselves. Why are crime rates involving children down? Because kids are not roaming free. I am now the parent of a 7 year old and as much as I learned to be independent from my "free-roaming" experiences, I also learned that there are predators out there. There are other ways that he can learn to be adventurous--roaming the streets of NYC alone is not safe for a child.
I was also molested, more than once, on a crowded R train on my way to school, as were many of my girlfriends. I reported it to the school and the police the first two times, but there was nothing that could be done. I had to take the subway to get to school. I started wearing a huge backpack so these creeps couldn't get that close to me.
There was also an attempt to lure me into a car by a man wearing nothing more than the proverbial trench coat and black knee socks. This man made attempts on several boys and girls in the neighborhood near a local park. We were taught to run away--and we did. The man tried to chase one of my friends and was thankfully caught, but we all had nightmares about this guy,
I have no doubt that these things would still happen if children were on the train or on the street by themselves. Why are crime rates involving children down? Because kids are not roaming free. I am now the parent of a 7 year old and as much as I learned to be independent from my "free-roaming" experiences, I also learned that there are predators out there. There are other ways that he can learn to be adventurous--roaming the streets of NYC alone is not safe for a child.
368
Those of us who lived in NYC in the 1950s and 1960s were probably had a lot more street smarts than the kids today. It was difficult to grow up an innocent in New York City.
2
One problem with your theory is that crime rates are also significantly down for adults.
8
I think you made the author's point
5
It should be added that the phrase 'play date' was completely foreign during my childhood and youth. Kids in my neighborhood simply (albeit having set times to get home for meals, chores, or homework) could wander about and, eventually, select places such as a neighbor's home or a park to hang out or play 'board games'. Take a walk in an upper class district and notice the silence (absence of children) there.
111
agreed that the term playdate did not exist when i was a kid. i think playdates are less about monitoring kids than it is about the fact that today both parents are working and kids are over-scheduled, making a scheduled date for play a necessity.
3
Lisa: my sister in law -- in a very affluent McMansion suburb -- is a stay-at-home mom since the birth of her first child.
Most moms in such an affluent area stay home, or at most have part time work. And yet they all use "play dates" -- why? they want to micro-manage their children's play. They are open about this. They do not want their kids playing with "strangers" (meaning strange children of parents you do not know) or anyone lower class. They also want to be absolutely sure the play is INDOORS and very, very safe -- ideally computer games, which the parent can monitor and observe. Nothing dirty. Nothing outdoorsy. Nothing away from parental monitoring.
This is true of children as old as 14 and 15, and absolutely true of younger children, who are never allowed spontaneous play with children of their own choosing.
One time I suggested that her boys -- who were playing an expensive basketball video game on their new, very expensive Sony Playstation -- go OUTSIDE on a gorgeous June day, to play actual basketball with their actual basketball hoop in the driveway. My SIL bit my head off and the boys acted like I was a lunatic.
Most moms in such an affluent area stay home, or at most have part time work. And yet they all use "play dates" -- why? they want to micro-manage their children's play. They are open about this. They do not want their kids playing with "strangers" (meaning strange children of parents you do not know) or anyone lower class. They also want to be absolutely sure the play is INDOORS and very, very safe -- ideally computer games, which the parent can monitor and observe. Nothing dirty. Nothing outdoorsy. Nothing away from parental monitoring.
This is true of children as old as 14 and 15, and absolutely true of younger children, who are never allowed spontaneous play with children of their own choosing.
One time I suggested that her boys -- who were playing an expensive basketball video game on their new, very expensive Sony Playstation -- go OUTSIDE on a gorgeous June day, to play actual basketball with their actual basketball hoop in the driveway. My SIL bit my head off and the boys acted like I was a lunatic.
4
Yes, what exactly is a "play date"? I was not familiar with this term until a few years ago. It sounds like the parents arrange who their kids play with? Why? Once I was able to dial a phone, I just called my little friends and we arranged it ourselves!
1
Who want's to risk send their children out into a world (US) where even domestic abusers and would-be terrorists are allowed to strap an automatic rifle to their leg and enter a Target!
14
You'd have a tough time walking around with a "automatic rifle" strapped to your leg. My AR15s are all 26" or longer. Psst. It a SEMI-automatic.
6
There is no statistic available for how many children are seriously injured or die while playing outside without some level of adult protection. In my own small Maryland town of 40,000, during my youth, this is what I personally remember: one of my classmates fell through pond ice and died; another, two years older than me, was playing with a friend in a rowboat in shallow water and fell in, panicked, and drowned when he could have simply stood up. Then one of my cousins shot another friend in the eye with a bee-bee gun, blinding him; two more cousins, siblings, found a gravel pit filled with water in the woods behind their house and both drowned, one, according to another child witness , trying to save the other. Another friend fell 30' out of a tree, and was in the hospital for three weeks. And finally, I nearly drowned while swimming in a lake with friends. One of them, thinking he was having a joke, held me underwater until I had taken in water. I won't go swimming to this day.
16
May I suggest that you move to Death Valley?
5
Actually, all those statistics are readily available. The CDC publishes a cheerful little journal called Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, which lists statistics like that.
But I'll counter your anecdata with my own. I was raised in a suburb in New Jersey. I remember a girl breaking her arm falling from the jungle gym and two kids who were hit by cars, but not very badly hurt. My brother broke several bones in various forms of rough housing and my sister needed stitches a few times. I was the kid who sat in a tree with a book.
In the 60s, we walked to and from school from kindergarten on with little or no adult supervision except at one busy street. We followed the brook, roamed the neighborhood, went to the playground, went to the movies without an adult after age 8 or so, and went back home in time for dinner. And none of us carried a device with which to call home or for help. We were never in range of a security camera either
But I'll counter your anecdata with my own. I was raised in a suburb in New Jersey. I remember a girl breaking her arm falling from the jungle gym and two kids who were hit by cars, but not very badly hurt. My brother broke several bones in various forms of rough housing and my sister needed stitches a few times. I was the kid who sat in a tree with a book.
In the 60s, we walked to and from school from kindergarten on with little or no adult supervision except at one busy street. We followed the brook, roamed the neighborhood, went to the playground, went to the movies without an adult after age 8 or so, and went back home in time for dinner. And none of us carried a device with which to call home or for help. We were never in range of a security camera either
4
Wow. Not sure what to say.
I grew up in a small town of about the same size, in the 1960s and 70s, and the first time a child I knew died was in high school, when three 17-year old boys took a rowboat from a locked storage shed and two of them drowned when it capsized in frigid water. This horrible incident (all three boys were good kids and well liked) was more a case of teenage dare-devilry than lack of parental supervision. Even the most overzealous parents don't tend to trail 17 year olds around all day. A little neighborhood girl almost drowned in a family pool. The moms were chatting and took their eyes off the water for a minute and she fell in. A drowning child makes no noise. But fortunately someone saw her before it was too late.
As an aside, my town, which was on the water, required extensive swimming lessons and water safety classes from first grade on. It cut down on the number of drownings.
I grew up in a small town of about the same size, in the 1960s and 70s, and the first time a child I knew died was in high school, when three 17-year old boys took a rowboat from a locked storage shed and two of them drowned when it capsized in frigid water. This horrible incident (all three boys were good kids and well liked) was more a case of teenage dare-devilry than lack of parental supervision. Even the most overzealous parents don't tend to trail 17 year olds around all day. A little neighborhood girl almost drowned in a family pool. The moms were chatting and took their eyes off the water for a minute and she fell in. A drowning child makes no noise. But fortunately someone saw her before it was too late.
As an aside, my town, which was on the water, required extensive swimming lessons and water safety classes from first grade on. It cut down on the number of drownings.
4
We moved to Denmark from Florida 6 months ago. Our main concern was that our 8 year old would be too far ahead of the Danish kids in school as the curriculum here is a lot less than in the US. The biggest surprise was her lack of social skills. She is polite and dediccated, but she had not developed the independence that the other kids had. Kids here do a lot more on their own. Small stuff like setting up play dates, walk to soccer and the teachers actually adress them as responsible individuals. It is amaxong to watch her transformation from a programmed child to a free range child...'
812
What a wonderful term - programmed child! That is exactly what is happening to our kids. They are being turned into stepford children by smothering parents.
It is, however, very interesting that you believe Danish schools are so far behind the US -- was that true? if so, how does it dovetail with our current idea that US education is the worst in the industrialized west?
1
One thing you needn't worry about is an American child being ahead in school in most other nations.
5
I am a school teacher in a low income multicultural neighborhood. I know that many kids wander around this neighborhood alone or with friends. Several go to the park after school to hang out and play. I think this article is about suburban middle class and upper class families.
312
Yes, that was stated in the column:
"To this German parent, it seems that America’s middle class has taken overprotective parenting to a new level, with the government acting as a super nanny."
It also talks about this occurring in the suburbs.
And, the super nanny will act in low income multicultural neighborhoods, as well, when it suites them.
"To this German parent, it seems that America’s middle class has taken overprotective parenting to a new level, with the government acting as a super nanny."
It also talks about this occurring in the suburbs.
And, the super nanny will act in low income multicultural neighborhoods, as well, when it suites them.
1
What is the norm for the middle and upper classes will be used as a stick to beat the working class. They will be called irresponsible, uncaring, and punished for not conforming, even if there is no real danger. So, it really is the problem of the workers, as well.
5
If I raised my kids the same way my parents raised me and my siblings, I'd have been arrested for child abuse: We played in vacant lots, climbed on landfill mountains where people would abandon their cars, played in swamps and walked 3 blocks ...alone...to school. Oh, and we never got sick or missed a day of school.
A parent would never think of doing that today.
A parent would never think of doing that today.
187
Yes . . . as a boy our neighborhood also had a swamp, empty lots, unattended construction equipment, empty houses, and some "woods" we walked through on our way to school. We learned through observation, direct experience, and consequence. What I find particularly striking is that our childhood resembled our parents' childhood far more than that of the children of our generation. What is that from ?
4
Only 3 blocks? How about almost a mile, alone, at the age of 4?
LOL, we lived near some railroad tracks -- the trains were sparse by then, but did run. My parents would tell me "go out and play by the railroad tracks!" -- seriously -- it was wonderful fun. They went on for miles, surrounded by woods and streams. There were deer, raccoons and other wildlife. There were tadpoles in ponds. There was all manner of interesting trash to use for creative projects -- old wheels, chunks of wood, etc.
Occasionally, we'd hear a whistle -- one of the sporadic trains -- and we'd hop off the tracks until it passed. The train engineer would wave at us.
This wasn't in the 1920s, either. I was about 5-10 years old, so it was the middle 1960s.
My mom -- wanting to keep her house clean! -- would routinely tell us "go out and play and don't come back until supper!"
Occasionally, we'd hear a whistle -- one of the sporadic trains -- and we'd hop off the tracks until it passed. The train engineer would wave at us.
This wasn't in the 1920s, either. I was about 5-10 years old, so it was the middle 1960s.
My mom -- wanting to keep her house clean! -- would routinely tell us "go out and play and don't come back until supper!"
4
I agree. American kids need room to grow. We must love and guide, not smother.
43
Welcome to Crazyland, Mr. Wergin.
52
I totally agree with the writer. Over-protectiveness and over-scheduling of children are bad for children and bad for this country. We want young people who develop a sense of independence and of their own autonomy.
84
It is amazing how times have changed. When I was a kid 60+ years ago, all of our neighborhood friends played sports and games together in the suburban streets, explored the area woods and fields, rode bikes all over, including to school. We also swam in rivers and ice skated on woodland ponds, all unsupervised by adults. Our parents taught us to give some thought to safety and then let us live.
116
And it was not just the suburbs. I grew up in the City of Chicago, and my little brother and I went anywhere we wanted. (As did all of our friends.) Too many overprotective bureaucrats these days.
1
Very well stated -- I believe a balance can be achieved between allowing the children the freedom to explore/play outdoors and protecting them from perceived threats. America has become too much of a nanny state in part because of the 24/7 endless news cycle where everybody is constantly bombarded by bad news with very little reference to what a tiny proportion of a day's activities in the country/world those bad events represent. Thus many people think that the only things which happen in today's world are bad events, which is very far from the truth. Kids are no more in danger today than they were 30 years ago or 50 years ago or 100 years ago -- it's just that parents are more afraid of the world than they were 30 or 50 or 100 years ago. There's one sentence which used to be among the most common for parents to say and which needs to be brought back: "Go outside and play!"
124
There are actually FAR LESS risk today.
50-70 years ago, children were at a clear and REAL risk of polio. Before that, they had no antibiotics and you could die of sepsis infection from a cut or scrape. There was MORE crime & violence, and some crimes like rape and child molestation were hidden and never talked about!
Children rode around in cars, for generations, with no seat belts.
We are SO MUCH SAFER today -- and healthier -- but the trade off seems to be we are more fearful and paranoid than any previous generations.
50-70 years ago, children were at a clear and REAL risk of polio. Before that, they had no antibiotics and you could die of sepsis infection from a cut or scrape. There was MORE crime & violence, and some crimes like rape and child molestation were hidden and never talked about!
Children rode around in cars, for generations, with no seat belts.
We are SO MUCH SAFER today -- and healthier -- but the trade off seems to be we are more fearful and paranoid than any previous generations.
3
"And we thought we had come to the land of the free."
Criminalizing, punishing and penalizing people for non-crimes or having different life-styles is part of our way of life in "the land of the free". That is why we have the largest prison population in the world.
One can only smile at Mr Wergins naïvite.
Criminalizing, punishing and penalizing people for non-crimes or having different life-styles is part of our way of life in "the land of the free". That is why we have the largest prison population in the world.
One can only smile at Mr Wergins naïvite.
28
Mr. Wergins isn't being naïve; he's being snarky. Yes, when I grew up in the 1950s, everybody knew everybody else in the neighborhoods. The woods we romped around in weren't littered with spent drug needles. Nobody misses the "good old days" more than I do. Our democracy has become very weary and fragmented. We don't trust much of anything or anybody anymore. Schadenfreude? Is that what they call this upscale, condescending contempt in Berlin?
2
william hathaway- Your comment could be interpreted as awfully thin-skinned. Americans have never been shy about pointing out the faults of other countries. Mr. Wergins is just the messenger here; the problem won't disappear just because no one names it. Our democracy HAS become weary and fragmented, and instead of fixing it, we cling to our children and lock the doors against our neighbors.
3
Yep, Americans are so good at protecting their kids and being "good parents" that those kids are now still living with them when they're 35. Just saying.
I grew up in a rural area, and parents there tended to be a lot less paranoid than parents in urban or suburban areas. So no matter the zeitgeist, different types of places will produce different types of parents. For instance, the kids in my neighborhood in Idaho ride their bikes alone all over the place, race down dirt piles, etc.
I grew up in a rural area, and parents there tended to be a lot less paranoid than parents in urban or suburban areas. So no matter the zeitgeist, different types of places will produce different types of parents. For instance, the kids in my neighborhood in Idaho ride their bikes alone all over the place, race down dirt piles, etc.
17
Though you can find these parental "helicopters" all over, the fact is that it ruthlessly dominates the upper middle class, white professional families in upscale suburbs and upscale inner city enclaves -- the high rent areas.
It is they who are the most overprotective of "their precious spawn" carrying their sacred DNA, along with all their hopes and dreams of a perfect education, perfect life, perfect job and so forth.
They cannot permit risks, because they aspire to "risk-free perfection".
It is they who are the most overprotective of "their precious spawn" carrying their sacred DNA, along with all their hopes and dreams of a perfect education, perfect life, perfect job and so forth.
They cannot permit risks, because they aspire to "risk-free perfection".
4
I don't see anything different here in France and the French children I know here are better behaved and don't seem at all to have suffered from this type of restriction that seems to last until they have completed their troisiesme college at 15. After that their freedoms only last about 6 week during the end of July-September, because they are in Lycee studying to obtain their Baccalaureat.
I allowed my children the same freedoms I enjoyed when I was in child. My restriction were the 4 houses around the one I lived in when I was 4. By the time I was 9 my limits were extended to two mile radius because that is how far I had to walk to get to school. At 15 the limit was about a 50 mile radius. This worked well for my son who was an aspiring cross country cyclist. It did not work well for my daughters who began smoking, drinking, taking drugs, and becoming sexually active. It is impossible to rein in a child who has had that amount of freedom. Both girls went to rehab, both are grown and successful now. But were I to do it again my girls would not have enjoyed any freedom without parental accompaniment before they were 17 unless they were monitored and engaged in sports that required distance training. Having a child is a responsibility that is fraught with dangers if not done properly and there is no forgiveness for failure.
I allowed my children the same freedoms I enjoyed when I was in child. My restriction were the 4 houses around the one I lived in when I was 4. By the time I was 9 my limits were extended to two mile radius because that is how far I had to walk to get to school. At 15 the limit was about a 50 mile radius. This worked well for my son who was an aspiring cross country cyclist. It did not work well for my daughters who began smoking, drinking, taking drugs, and becoming sexually active. It is impossible to rein in a child who has had that amount of freedom. Both girls went to rehab, both are grown and successful now. But were I to do it again my girls would not have enjoyed any freedom without parental accompaniment before they were 17 unless they were monitored and engaged in sports that required distance training. Having a child is a responsibility that is fraught with dangers if not done properly and there is no forgiveness for failure.
16
Well said. We have become a nation of fraidy-cats.
32
"But Germany is generally much more accepting of letting children take some risks."
Why, back in my grandparents' day, boys were even let out to hike, in uniforms specially designed for the purpose, sometimes for months at a time, and it really expanded not just their personal geographic horizons but, for a time, that of the whole country. Naturally, even then, your meddlesome American nanny state couldn't leave a good thing alone.
Why, back in my grandparents' day, boys were even let out to hike, in uniforms specially designed for the purpose, sometimes for months at a time, and it really expanded not just their personal geographic horizons but, for a time, that of the whole country. Naturally, even then, your meddlesome American nanny state couldn't leave a good thing alone.
9
Zowee! Nice retort!
But you have to admit they were well supervised...
2
I understand if people live in bad neighborhoods. But I rarely do see kids under 16 at a park unaccompanied or elsewhere.
Although I would never suggest putting a 10and year old alone on a subway. They aren't even old enough for phones, they'll get lost.
Although I would never suggest putting a 10and year old alone on a subway. They aren't even old enough for phones, they'll get lost.
1
At ten, in a big city, I was riding the subway to get to museums (dinosaurs being a big thing at that age). That was in the 1950s, though.
4
I rode the Subways for whole days from sun up to sundown and never failed to find my way home at 10. That's the problem, people underestimate their children's abilities and try to keep them dependent forever. That might explain all the boomerang kids still living at home after college.
16
I strongly disagree with one part of your statement, and strongly agree with another. A ten-year-old is capable enough to navigate the subway on their own, and should be allowed to do so. They will never be able to develop their own sense of agency if hovered over. The world has never been a safe place, and only by experience can you become more resilient.
But you are correct on the other point: Ten-year-olds are not old enough for phones. We need to stop putting such importance on these devices. Personal interaction is dying, but we think we are more connected because we can all be reached instantly. It only causes more neuroses in children and their parents. My children will not have mobile phones until they can drive, social pressure be damned. They will have also never seen their parents on the phone while driving, and will understand the dangers of this.
Parents need to learn to take actual responsibility for raising children, as opposed to helicoptering and passing on elevated stress levels. Children need to become tougher, but the parents aren't tough enough to stand back and let this happen.
But you are correct on the other point: Ten-year-olds are not old enough for phones. We need to stop putting such importance on these devices. Personal interaction is dying, but we think we are more connected because we can all be reached instantly. It only causes more neuroses in children and their parents. My children will not have mobile phones until they can drive, social pressure be damned. They will have also never seen their parents on the phone while driving, and will understand the dangers of this.
Parents need to learn to take actual responsibility for raising children, as opposed to helicoptering and passing on elevated stress levels. Children need to become tougher, but the parents aren't tough enough to stand back and let this happen.
4
When we were living in Boston, our biggest fear of letting our kids walk by themselves to our local park (3 streets away) was that another parent would call the police. As the author mentions, this is a very real fear in the US. We have since moved to Belgium and are thrilled that our girls are not the only kids out playing, or walking, or biking around. To be honest, my biggest fear now is that they'll get hit by a car, as there's not really a culture of stopping for pedestrians here. So, we practiced with our kids- where to stand, how to know when it's safe, etc. My girls are 8 and 11 and they love and appreciate their freedom and my husband and I feel much better knowing that they are growing up to be competent and confident young women.
169
Having raised my kids in the 70's and 80's, at a much freer time, I am struck by the lack of resiliency in today's college kids. They need constant reassurance, "prompts", interpretation and guidance. They call their parents every day, if not multiple times each day for guidance, support and input.They are plagued by anxiety. I think that if, and when, well meaning (but fearful) parents understand the way in which they are impeding their kids' development, the pendulum will swing back. At least i hope so.
181
I live and work overseas and am often asked to aid students from both Europe and the US when they come here to do field research. It has gotten to the point where I wish I could just say, "No more students from the US." There are exceptions but the majority of the US students need constant praise and hand-holding. They are incapable of accepting criticism and either meltdown completely or get angry over any kind of criticism. Even something as mild as "I think you need to go over that data again," will send them into a tailspin. They expect me or someone else to organize everything for them and seem incapable of figuring out solutions on their own. What has happened to my country and the "can-do" attitude of our parents and grandparents?
15
When my friend's daughter went to a church retreat that forbade cell phones, they hid one in her bag anyway.
When this girl did a semester abroad at college, she was required to check in with her mother at home every day by a certain time. If she didn't hear from her, various family members or her boyfriend would contact her to make sure she was alright.
Not sure how they'll handle her absence once she moves out or gets married, but there might be a plan in place.
When this girl did a semester abroad at college, she was required to check in with her mother at home every day by a certain time. If she didn't hear from her, various family members or her boyfriend would contact her to make sure she was alright.
Not sure how they'll handle her absence once she moves out or gets married, but there might be a plan in place.
1
A generation of sterile, naive and unhappy people is going to take our place. Honestly, this article is a little shocking for me. I live in Russia and children here allowed to walk on their own, it makes them more independent and self-contained and... they need to hang out outdoors, they're kids! And I doubt that Washigton streets are as unsafe as ours here, there must be many policemen watching over them. What's happened with american people? What made them to be afraid of natural things?
96
Fox News happened.
4
Denis Boyle is that you? I agree and Russians are more likely to live in cities than suburbs and aren't nearly as car dependent as we are. There is comparable technological dependency, but people will never look at you as if you're insane if you tell somebody you get around on foot. They think there must be something wrong with you. I never see anybody walking. And when I lived in Russia people were always curious about their neighbors. Here people go out of their way to avoid each other. Two months in and I still haven't met my downstairs neighbor.
Children in the U.S. have never been safer on the streets than they are now. Crimes against children have been on the decline since at least the mid-1990s, yet media coverage of these crimes has exploded. As children have been imprisoned in smaller and smaller spaces, they have been getting fatter and diabetic, losing direct interaction with peers (except via text), and gorging on TV and violent video games.
If you confront an overprotective parent with the data, the response is always the same: "But I could never live with myself if something happened." That's right: YOU could never. This isn't about what is best for your kid, it's about assuaging your irrational anxiety. Unlike every parent from every generation in history, YOU can't take the stress and worry that is typical of being a parent. Every parent had fears about their kids whom they regularly could not see, telephone, or control for hours on end. What makes this generation unique is that previous parents learned to live with it, while YOU chose to keep your kid in a cage, to make YOU feel better.
I have a fear as a parent too: If I move back to the U.S. and choose to go against the hysteria and make saner parenting choices, I could be put in jail! I don't even have the right to be sane anymore. We are destroying childhood, and putting adult neuroses ahead of what's best for kids.
The US needs legislation to protect normal, sane parenting choice from the hyperparenting mob - and now, from the police.
If you confront an overprotective parent with the data, the response is always the same: "But I could never live with myself if something happened." That's right: YOU could never. This isn't about what is best for your kid, it's about assuaging your irrational anxiety. Unlike every parent from every generation in history, YOU can't take the stress and worry that is typical of being a parent. Every parent had fears about their kids whom they regularly could not see, telephone, or control for hours on end. What makes this generation unique is that previous parents learned to live with it, while YOU chose to keep your kid in a cage, to make YOU feel better.
I have a fear as a parent too: If I move back to the U.S. and choose to go against the hysteria and make saner parenting choices, I could be put in jail! I don't even have the right to be sane anymore. We are destroying childhood, and putting adult neuroses ahead of what's best for kids.
The US needs legislation to protect normal, sane parenting choice from the hyperparenting mob - and now, from the police.
1398
Thank you, kgdickey. You just explained one of the reasons I am raising my children outside the United States. The other is the rampant militarism in our society. I also don't want them growing up believing it is right and good to invade other countries upon the whims of our leadership.
21
Well said.
4
What is not being mentioned is that today both parents are working which was not true 50+ years ago. It is therefore understandable working parents have anxiety about their kids safety.
Other than that, the most interesting question to me is, if kids are staying inside, does that account (and to what degree) for the decrease in child abuse related crimes?
Kids carrying cell phones here with apps that can trace their location and having them check in periodically makes sense too.
Other than that, the most interesting question to me is, if kids are staying inside, does that account (and to what degree) for the decrease in child abuse related crimes?
Kids carrying cell phones here with apps that can trace their location and having them check in periodically makes sense too.
4
The world can be a very cruel place and the outlook can change from good to bad in an instant. I would rather be too protective on occassion and be seen as a fuddy duddy or stick in the mud but my kid is safe rather than take the risk of being "trendy" and "organic" and my kid gets hurt or kidnapped.
Better my kid is alive to visit a therapist when they turn 30 than to "be enlightened and "free range"" but die all too young way too young not even a teenager.
Better my kid is alive to visit a therapist when they turn 30 than to "be enlightened and "free range"" but die all too young way too young not even a teenager.
69
Trendy?? Ridiculous.
10
I think the point of the article was to ALLOW all parents to make those decisions for themselves and not force ALL parents to think like you and threaten that the state will take their kids and put them in our 'wonderful' foster system. We are either free or not...period
16
The problem is your definition of safe. You insure against a minimal risk (abduction, molestation) by using practices that carry huge risks (anything from car crashes to lack of independence and stymied personal development). In other words, US - style overprotectiveness causes far more harm than it prevents.
23
Europe is not the US. We have ten times their murder rate and people with guns running amok everywhere. Our mental health system is essentially inexistent, Police are afraid, and quick to shoot. Children disappear on a regular basis. Do you know understand how foolish you were?
8
"Children disappear on a regular basis."
No more so than they did in the 1960s, but don't let facts confuse you.
No more so than they did in the 1960s, but don't let facts confuse you.
8
I was raised with a ton of personal freedom. We spend a lot of time outdoors unsupervised. If we were in the house, we were closely monitored, so we opted to play outside all the time, rain or shine. Bad things could have happened, sometimes injuries occurred, but we all survived and thrived. There were close calls, but because we were allowed to develop situational awareness, we developed the ability to trust our instincts and were able to recognize when things or people weren't quite right. Developing the independence of our children is fundamental to their success. They will not just suddenly have the ability to do for themselves and read situations when they turn 18. We need to actively look for situations where they can build their self confidence and self awareness.
16
I fully support Mr Wergin's observations. I fear that children who do not roam freely are more likely to be taken advantage of when they are teenagers and young adults. The clear benefits of experiencing Mother Nature aside, they will have had too little opportunity to experience human nature in many of its forms, and will find it difficult to identify those who might trick or exploit them or get them wrapped up in something a more worldly kid would have the good sense to avoid.
17
The dominant cultural emotion of the twenty-first-century United States is fear. Be afraid, be always afraid, be very afraid. It started before 9/11, but that event was a steroidal injection right into the national fear consciousness. The UN Black Helicopters, the New World Order, etc. were mostly paranoid rantings by deranged cranks until then. Now everything is a reason to retreat to the bunker, make sure the guns are loaded and follow the children everywhere they go.
It's sad. It's also somewhat bi-partisan -- liberal parents are no less paranoid than conservative ones. The difference plays out in national politics where one side pushes for a continual state of as many wars as possible while ignoring the genuine greatest threat of our time (climate change). Personal gun ownership substantially increases the risk of gun injury or death within a household, but somehow taking one's AR-15 out for a burrito makes one safer. Meanwhile liberal enclaves have hoards of parents who ignore science and do not vaccinate, because somehow the non-existent risk of autism is scarier than the diseases than cripple and kill children.
It's madness. All of it, from all corners.
I'd like to think that education would help, but since the US has largely decided that education isn't really something anyone needs in the modern era, I suppose the rest of the world will just have to watch a nation of great potential flounder, terrified, in its own created bubble of fear.
It's sad. It's also somewhat bi-partisan -- liberal parents are no less paranoid than conservative ones. The difference plays out in national politics where one side pushes for a continual state of as many wars as possible while ignoring the genuine greatest threat of our time (climate change). Personal gun ownership substantially increases the risk of gun injury or death within a household, but somehow taking one's AR-15 out for a burrito makes one safer. Meanwhile liberal enclaves have hoards of parents who ignore science and do not vaccinate, because somehow the non-existent risk of autism is scarier than the diseases than cripple and kill children.
It's madness. All of it, from all corners.
I'd like to think that education would help, but since the US has largely decided that education isn't really something anyone needs in the modern era, I suppose the rest of the world will just have to watch a nation of great potential flounder, terrified, in its own created bubble of fear.
278
The press is the problem. Fear sells, and in a 24-7-365 world, that is a tall heaping of fear to drum up. Can't leave a market untapped so while Fox news sells fear to low information, low SES folks, other outlets sell fear to the upper middle class parents cited here. You know who you are.
21
Yes! Read Fahrenheit 451.
1
Great observation on our society. Our kids lives are way too structured. Too many leagues, too many activities, taken way too seriously. To what end? When was the last time you saw kids playing self organized baseball or football in the park or even street? Or running though their neighborhood playing outdoor games or skipping rope?
30
Never! We played seasonal games. In the summer there was stickball with cars and manhole covers as bases. When it was hot we played with balls of clay throwing it against a wall and keeping what you covered of someone else's ball of clay. We flew kites in March, played with tops in Fall when the tar was hard, played darts when the tar was soft. We played Pinochle on the stoop when it was too hot to do much. Roller skating (I broke my wrist in a fall on Knickerbocker Avenue) Water balloon fights, tag, Hide and Seek and even a little bit of mischief like jamming a door bellso the third floor tenant had to come down to unstick it. We were imaginative. Video games require little imagination and we get kids who just play it safe any more. It is so sad.
4
The only explanation that can be given for your ideas is...
YOU'VE JUST COME !
For slightly more caution...
1. Please read about a recent incident of local parents having been arrested for 'child neglect', for allowing their 2 children, son and daughter, walk to school, and go to the neighborhood park on their own. They weren't even roaming around, like your child.
2. As for adults, please read about a 57 year grandfather, frail, innocent, barely spoke English, visiting son, to help out their pre-term child, taking a stroll, on the sidewalk, in the community. His crime was, he was looking left and right, while walking. He lies paralysed, after the "compassionate" treatment meted out to him, by the 'force', paid for by the taxpayer, to protect citizens.
3. So, perhaps here is not the Berlin, you are used to, and not many other places, across the world, where, it is normal for ordinary folk & children, to 'roam around'. You decide now !
YOU'VE JUST COME !
For slightly more caution...
1. Please read about a recent incident of local parents having been arrested for 'child neglect', for allowing their 2 children, son and daughter, walk to school, and go to the neighborhood park on their own. They weren't even roaming around, like your child.
2. As for adults, please read about a 57 year grandfather, frail, innocent, barely spoke English, visiting son, to help out their pre-term child, taking a stroll, on the sidewalk, in the community. His crime was, he was looking left and right, while walking. He lies paralysed, after the "compassionate" treatment meted out to him, by the 'force', paid for by the taxpayer, to protect citizens.
3. So, perhaps here is not the Berlin, you are used to, and not many other places, across the world, where, it is normal for ordinary folk & children, to 'roam around'. You decide now !
3
Would you like a spoon of reality with your Tea Party?
5
He mentions the first incident in the article.
3
The problem is that people assess risk by anecdote. A single child kidnapping that they have read about, or an effort by a stranger to get them into a car when they were little, becomes a reason for them to insist that their children and yours should never be allowed outside alone, even though America has 300 million people and a single incidence of anything says next to nothing about risk. They are unable to balance risks and understand that a child that gets no exercise is in worse health danger than one that plays outside, even allowing for some risks of the latter. They cannot accept that sooner or later, children must grow up and learn to deal with the world.
736
agree with most of what you say. of course I'm fearful of pedophiles and kidnappers but i'm also fearful that my 9-yr old just won't look both ways before crossing the street. many kids this age just don't have the maturity to protect themselves against everyday "dangers"
all that said, i try really hard not to be a helicopter parent.
all that said, i try really hard not to be a helicopter parent.
5
Completely agree. People are horribly bad in terms of extrapolating a single incident and extrapolating it to the world as a whole.
It is the same lack of reasoning that allows people to hear about a few suicides at FoxConn in China and think of it as a horrible place to work, completely being unaware or ignoring that its suicide rate is 95% below the Chinese average.
Or for that matter, hearing about a lottery winner and thinking "that could be me!"
It is the same lack of reasoning that allows people to hear about a few suicides at FoxConn in China and think of it as a horrible place to work, completely being unaware or ignoring that its suicide rate is 95% below the Chinese average.
Or for that matter, hearing about a lottery winner and thinking "that could be me!"
5
Everything is assessed by anecdote. Health, risk. food/diet choices etc. The cause is the immediacy of information provided. Sad. Truly sad.
3
Americans are more and more filled with irrational fears and paranoia; locking themselves and families in cloistered compound like neighborhoods. Children are ferried to school- dropped off from one activity to another then back home rarely exploring and getting the opportunity to develop independent skills. We then expect them to go off on their own to become successful independent "making good choices" adults. The author is correct in that, the same adults who had free-range over the terrain of their communities are now plying their own children with a "be afraid- be very afraid" lifestyle while still expecting them to function successfully in the larger world.
51
I did not raise my son that way. He had a different environment being in the suburbs but he was allowed a great deal of autonomy. It shows. He chose his own field of study in school and college, moved to another state, married. I've never needed to be consulted on his life choices. Sometimes I've wished he'd asked me. A couple of times he's expressed regrets when I'd offered advice he hadn't taken because he wanted to do it his way and underestimated his parents experiences. But he is his own person.
8
I lay alot of this at the feet of our television media. News programming is "if it bleeds it leads", robberies, abductions, amber alerts, etc. There is no real news being reported beyond this and this is what parents see. Of course they're gonna become over protective.. "Good guys, bad guys" dominate most all other programming. Shoot 'em up television adds to this. And where do most people spend their free time these days? Watching this stuff. Want less protective parents, turn off the da**** TV!
67
Solution: Don't watch the news!
2
We are Americans, but live in southern Germany. We think it is an absolutely fantastic place to raise children. Your article is spot on! So glad you wrote it. Vielen Dank! In many US states now you can open carry a gun, but Kinder Eggs are contraband...
45
Thanks for mentioning Kinder Eggs -- they are a German candy egg with a tiny toy inside. And BANNED in the USA for over 70 years.
Why? Parental fears that the child will accidentally EAT the toy.
They are so illegal that if you smuggle one in your luggage from Germany, there is a $2500 fine.
Proof positive we have gone "over the falls" crazy on child safety issues.
Why? Parental fears that the child will accidentally EAT the toy.
They are so illegal that if you smuggle one in your luggage from Germany, there is a $2500 fine.
Proof positive we have gone "over the falls" crazy on child safety issues.
3
Children certainly are more independent in Germany and take themselves to school from a very early age. They also begin to travel without their parents but together with from the age of 15 or 16, something else uncommon in North America.
As a professor here in Germany I must also say that I never encounter the "helicopter" parents here. It wouldn't surprise me if the lack of freedom that North American parents accord their children early on continues into a later phase where their involvement is utterly inappropriate.
As a professor here in Germany I must also say that I never encounter the "helicopter" parents here. It wouldn't surprise me if the lack of freedom that North American parents accord their children early on continues into a later phase where their involvement is utterly inappropriate.
51
Germany is also all white, and most all middle or upper class. There is little diversity there. Everyone speaks the same language.
The US is very diverse. Some of this fear (unstated here) is RACIAL fear -- fear of black crime. This fear is even among BLACK families in black neighborhoods! Black on black crime is probably one of the most prevalent types of crime.
But white upper-middle class families are the most terrified of all, and terrified of EVERYTHING -- ebola virus! stranger abduction! rape! kidnapping! failure to get into an Ivy League college! -- their entire parenting experience is one of fear and anxiety, leading them to hover over and control children.
The statement in the article that "American children spend 90% of their free time AT HOME" is literally the saddest thing I have read in a long time.
The US is very diverse. Some of this fear (unstated here) is RACIAL fear -- fear of black crime. This fear is even among BLACK families in black neighborhoods! Black on black crime is probably one of the most prevalent types of crime.
But white upper-middle class families are the most terrified of all, and terrified of EVERYTHING -- ebola virus! stranger abduction! rape! kidnapping! failure to get into an Ivy League college! -- their entire parenting experience is one of fear and anxiety, leading them to hover over and control children.
The statement in the article that "American children spend 90% of their free time AT HOME" is literally the saddest thing I have read in a long time.
6
The media promotes this fear. It's out of hand. We have been a diverse nation for 150+ years. It's time for us to adjust and get over our fears of "the other".
2
The Americans chose really strange form of parenting.
On the one hand a child has to be under total control by his parents, governmental structures, school etc. But on the other it's becoming more and more popular not to forbid a child anything unless a child gets some mental disorder.
I honestly believe that it's a false way of upbringing. Cause to grow up in a normal person with a sense of social responsibility a child needs know what's the freedom like and what's the punishment could be for your mistakes.
As a result we are receiving the whole generation of moral freaks with no responsibility and no life aims. That's a social regress imho
On the one hand a child has to be under total control by his parents, governmental structures, school etc. But on the other it's becoming more and more popular not to forbid a child anything unless a child gets some mental disorder.
I honestly believe that it's a false way of upbringing. Cause to grow up in a normal person with a sense of social responsibility a child needs know what's the freedom like and what's the punishment could be for your mistakes.
As a result we are receiving the whole generation of moral freaks with no responsibility and no life aims. That's a social regress imho
41
Being very old, I can remember when "free roaming" was the only known way to raise children. I do not think I could do that today - our society has become too dangerous, sadly. And now parents have cars, alcohol and drugs to contend with - no matter what the statistics "say", I believe were I young I would be childless.
2
Please show us solid evidence that "our society has become too dangerous." There is none!!
What our society HAS become is media-obsessed, and the media can't attract an audience unless they announce and magnify every little defect in life, blowing them up entirely out of proportion ("Tonight at 11: Escalators - should you be afraid?").
What our society HAS become is media-obsessed, and the media can't attract an audience unless they announce and magnify every little defect in life, blowing them up entirely out of proportion ("Tonight at 11: Escalators - should you be afraid?").
57
I grew up in the 1950's and roamed the neighborhood far and wide. We all knew each other and no one ever moved in or out. It was one big family and each family looked after each other. And in those days perverts or child molesters had no rights so they kept themselves to themselves.
9
Jimmy is right, I grew up in Manhattan - Midtown East and we were a small village of folks that watched over each other and their children - ask anyone native to NYC. Later after our walk-up was torn down we moved to a house Queens in which our neighborhood was exactly as how Jimmy described as his. Sure there were few cars, single family dwellings dominated and few house turned over as they do today. My parents trained me in stages where I could go, how to ride the subways and what to do if I was lost or need emergency help - go to the nearest policeman walking his beat - imagine that!
7
You came to the land of the free? That's the label, but it's hardly economically very free for millions of citizens, struggling to get health insurance, decent pay, education and retirement. I can't help but wonder why people would move here from Germany where many of these are more normally accessible.
But you're right-- we were much freer and less supervised as kids generations ago. But that was before crime rates shot up, and before they went down again. We went to school, ballet lessons, the library, shopping, bike rides, to other kid's homes, even to the movies by ourselves at a younger age than they do today.
I have often thought, that today I never see kids walking alone under the age of mid teens, maybe. Even groups of kids walking around after school seem all mid teens. The younger ones are never alone on the streets of NYC. To see a 10 or 11 year old alone would be strange.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy your stay in the US. Please write us another op ed in a couple of years and give us your impressions of what you've experienced and observed in the land of the free.
But you're right-- we were much freer and less supervised as kids generations ago. But that was before crime rates shot up, and before they went down again. We went to school, ballet lessons, the library, shopping, bike rides, to other kid's homes, even to the movies by ourselves at a younger age than they do today.
I have often thought, that today I never see kids walking alone under the age of mid teens, maybe. Even groups of kids walking around after school seem all mid teens. The younger ones are never alone on the streets of NYC. To see a 10 or 11 year old alone would be strange.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy your stay in the US. Please write us another op ed in a couple of years and give us your impressions of what you've experienced and observed in the land of the free.
9
There has never been a time in the last 50 years when stranger-danger crime against children "shot up". This is a complete fallacy.
21
@Meredith: while health care is still an issue (Obamacare leaves 40 million still uninsured!), the truth is that a middle class, educated worker from Germany would not be living here without health insurance. 85% of Americans had health insurance BEFORE Obamacare. That's not perfect, but it is also not "most Americans without health care".
Americans do have social security which is similar to that in Germany, and we have a very fine array of college and universities, which are flooded with eager foreign students (apparently willing to PAY for a US education, when they could go "for free" in their native homeland!). So it simply cannot be that "bad" over here.
Crimes rates have not "shot up" -- they are down -- that's the whole point. They've been DOWN for 25 or more years, yet parents today are more paranoid and fearful than EVER BEFORE. They had higher crime rates in the 60s, but parents were more laidback -- how do you explain that?
Americans do have social security which is similar to that in Germany, and we have a very fine array of college and universities, which are flooded with eager foreign students (apparently willing to PAY for a US education, when they could go "for free" in their native homeland!). So it simply cannot be that "bad" over here.
Crimes rates have not "shot up" -- they are down -- that's the whole point. They've been DOWN for 25 or more years, yet parents today are more paranoid and fearful than EVER BEFORE. They had higher crime rates in the 60s, but parents were more laidback -- how do you explain that?
4
Remember the old days, when parents used to sit in the waiting area of the hair salon while their kids were getting their hair washed and cut? Not anymore -- they stay within three feet of their children at all times. And I'm not talking toddlers, either.
8
You are so correct! and some of this is to "micro-manage" how the stylist does their CHILD's hair -- because that is a status and self-esteem thing. God forbid your child have a simple haircut, no it needs "styling" as if a 6 year old were a teenager going to prom.
2
Actually, I don't remember this because my mother sent me to get my hair cut (and to the dentist) on my own as far back as my memory goes. It helped that we lived in a neighborhood where all these amenities were within a few blocks. The way new developments are zoned, kids would have to walk much farther.
1