I look forward to savoring your columns, which are always thoughtful, well researched and well written, and provide another good point of view. This one happens to be the most prescient and appreciated of all as I am on the receiving end of both scenarios - this week he broke up and my daughter received her first college acceptance letter - so I just wanted to thank you for the wisdom and support that came at precisely the right moment.
5
"Love many.
trust few.
paddle
your own
canoe!" (Old saying)
In my eighth decade I have learned to not place too much of myself into the care of others. Their motivations usually have more to do with themselves than with me. That is certainly true of my motivations involving them. Some relationships just are not sustainable for reasons that are not always clear to both parties. The sooner they end the sooner resilience sets in and life moves on.
trust few.
paddle
your own
canoe!" (Old saying)
In my eighth decade I have learned to not place too much of myself into the care of others. Their motivations usually have more to do with themselves than with me. That is certainly true of my motivations involving them. Some relationships just are not sustainable for reasons that are not always clear to both parties. The sooner they end the sooner resilience sets in and life moves on.
27
Very insightful-coming from David Brooks; bravo.
1
I love it when David's inner sociologist and scribe of societal more breaks out. The 2016 elections will be here in plenty of time for plenty of hogwash from all sides.
The young adult leaves and it is up to the parents and siblings to decide how to navigate the rubble. From what I've seen (Ahem! Y'all) I can't say say Southerners have learned to maneuver in this area any better than those doomed to birth north of the Ohio River.
The young adult leaves and it is up to the parents and siblings to decide how to navigate the rubble. From what I've seen (Ahem! Y'all) I can't say say Southerners have learned to maneuver in this area any better than those doomed to birth north of the Ohio River.
#mybestfriendswhoraisedme.
hastag my eldest used to highlight our visit to her last month for her 32nd birthday.
hastag my eldest used to highlight our visit to her last month for her 32nd birthday.
6
Uh, while I appreciate his insights about hovercraft parents and college kids, I think I noticed that for Mr. Brooks, in romance, the leaver is a he and the left a she. Anybody else get that? So the great ubiquitous "we" of the New York Times are all heterosexual and trapped in gender roles. Oh, and financially privileged enough to go to college. Tedious.
23
Actually, he uses female gender pronouns for both the leaver and the left.
13
Hey, I liked that movie! Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and Michigan will win in football yet again - just maybe not this weekend. Who was it wanting a kid?
3
Maybe it is just me, but David Brook's columns seem to be getting less and less political. Congratulations to gemli?
6
No, because I've never seen the G actually debate anything with anyone. Great cut-and-paste jobs are still cut-and-paste jobs.
Trotsky's trick of capturing competing meeting groups - very early on - was itself much tougher and couldn't be carried out by keyboard.
However, it may still all be about the class struggle.
Surely, if we eat enough of the rich we'll finally see the worker's life improve, right? Dimes, anyone?
Trotsky's trick of capturing competing meeting groups - very early on - was itself much tougher and couldn't be carried out by keyboard.
However, it may still all be about the class struggle.
Surely, if we eat enough of the rich we'll finally see the worker's life improve, right? Dimes, anyone?
1
Kindness, and especially enduring sweetness. Too bad "Melisso" is not a popular boy's name in our culture. Peter ("rock"), loving father of Melissa.
Thank you, Mr. Brooks, for an excellent column. You have been addressing social concerns lately, and I appreciate your courage, even though I am on "the other side of the aisle" and do not always agree with your political views.
This exact concern of instant technology has been on my mind. It seems that technology has pushed us apart from one another. Because we are so hyper-connected and have so little consistent privacy from one another, we fail to reach out to friends and family in meaningful ways, in person. The constant texting and tweeting and Facebook drain us of "relating" as well as encouraging lack of restraint.
Email has its place, especially in coordinating events or meetings and in communicating with friends and family geographically separated; however, this can also be accomplished with an old-fashioned letter. Email has been overused and abused in the workplace to the point of obstructing productivity. Too many email subscriptions from websites!
Our sense of time has been warped and we are seriously becoming damaged by this instantaneousness. I moved to a different state and sometimes feel I never left, that there is no escape. On the other hand, there is no real connection.
We do have a choice, as we have all along with television: Turn off the phone, block calls and texts, and participate and encourage offline relationships to the degree possible, using manners, dignity, and restraint.
This exact concern of instant technology has been on my mind. It seems that technology has pushed us apart from one another. Because we are so hyper-connected and have so little consistent privacy from one another, we fail to reach out to friends and family in meaningful ways, in person. The constant texting and tweeting and Facebook drain us of "relating" as well as encouraging lack of restraint.
Email has its place, especially in coordinating events or meetings and in communicating with friends and family geographically separated; however, this can also be accomplished with an old-fashioned letter. Email has been overused and abused in the workplace to the point of obstructing productivity. Too many email subscriptions from websites!
Our sense of time has been warped and we are seriously becoming damaged by this instantaneousness. I moved to a different state and sometimes feel I never left, that there is no escape. On the other hand, there is no real connection.
We do have a choice, as we have all along with television: Turn off the phone, block calls and texts, and participate and encourage offline relationships to the degree possible, using manners, dignity, and restraint.
9
Every relationship ends eventually, either by disillusionment or death. If we aren't prepared to deal with that, then we had best not fall in love or have children.
9
This brilliant article omitted the accounting of emotion in joy and shame in modern life. In older times, encoded in rituals and traditions, deep emotional markers punctuated life events, which signaled and reinforced change. Marriage, fatherhood, death, and victory all gained conspicuous public embrace of the new reality, ushering in a new set of responsibilities and stature. The celebration of joy or rebuke for mistakes strengthened or severed connections. We were better connected, aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Whether we liked or disliked people, we were flexible and resilient to endure shortfalls and imperfections. In contrast to the deeper connections of the past, today we conduct loud and expensive soul-lacking events, and live brittle lives; unwilling to bend, and prone to break on minor faults.
The parents’ failure to extract themselves from letting children become independent thinkers is a symptom of this deeper loss of connection to self awareness and connection to family and community in a meaningful way, where joy and shame are acknowledged for what they are, and there are rewards or consequences which the society embraces.
The void of publicly emotional joy and shame is the cause of the silence perpetrated on humanity by new technology.
The parents’ failure to extract themselves from letting children become independent thinkers is a symptom of this deeper loss of connection to self awareness and connection to family and community in a meaningful way, where joy and shame are acknowledged for what they are, and there are rewards or consequences which the society embraces.
The void of publicly emotional joy and shame is the cause of the silence perpetrated on humanity by new technology.
3
" ... Feelings are hurt and angry words are at the ready. But they are held back..."
David is hurt and angry. Hurt by audience who does not see the world with the same polarizing lens as he does. Angry at readers who dare to share their views the same way he shares his. And yet so "heroically" he is holding his angry words back!
There are times for children to make parents aware that they are out of touch with reality, and that has nothing to do with parents not respecting their children nor being selfishly controlling. It's just the beauty of nature that with time children will outgrow their parents' knowledge and intelligence. It's just evolution at work.
David is hurt and angry. Hurt by audience who does not see the world with the same polarizing lens as he does. Angry at readers who dare to share their views the same way he shares his. And yet so "heroically" he is holding his angry words back!
There are times for children to make parents aware that they are out of touch with reality, and that has nothing to do with parents not respecting their children nor being selfishly controlling. It's just the beauty of nature that with time children will outgrow their parents' knowledge and intelligence. It's just evolution at work.
5
Too-frequent communication between people cheapens the experience. Do we really want to know about the minutia in other peoples' lives, even those we love? In olden days, when communication was more cumbersome, things were different. For example, when talking on the phone with my parents, if the conversation began to drag, one of them would invariably say something like "Well, I guess we're all talked out." There was nothing painful, or hurtful about it -- just a recognition that "enough is enough".
6
I say goodbye, you say hello? Did you see the one with two cave girls in front of a cave mural of two stick figures.... one with an X through it? One girl says (while hugging the other) "I cant believe he broke up with you by......Cave Painting!! With more time we'll once again see what was old is new again. et tu David? Are you re showing your age?
4
I left home at age 16, back when letters and phone calls were the only options for remote communications. My mother had passed; and my poor father, now living alone, did not get a letter or a call from me for six months. And when I did finally write to him, he was grateful but not obviously angry. 42 years later, with kids heading off into adulthood, I can now imagine what that silence did to him.
Perhaps because I moved into adulthood largely on my own, self-supporting and without any parental guidance, I've had an easier time giving my two kids the space to decide, exercise their own judgement, and fall down occasionally. I've encouraged openness, and have told them stories of the many stupid things I did as a kid. I have also told them they are doing really well in life, acting very responsibly and making good choices (for the most part).
So maybe that's why my son calls me from college in the middle of the night, just to talk about physics, sex and drug use. Sometimes we talk until dawn, other calls are short. Sometimes a week or two goes by without any communications. I don't worry that much. The silence is not painful. I know he'll call if he needs to. I also know my daughter, who's heading off to college this fall, will do the same. I take the occasional silences as a good sign, a comforting sign.
...and we never end a call without saying I love you.
Perhaps because I moved into adulthood largely on my own, self-supporting and without any parental guidance, I've had an easier time giving my two kids the space to decide, exercise their own judgement, and fall down occasionally. I've encouraged openness, and have told them stories of the many stupid things I did as a kid. I have also told them they are doing really well in life, acting very responsibly and making good choices (for the most part).
So maybe that's why my son calls me from college in the middle of the night, just to talk about physics, sex and drug use. Sometimes we talk until dawn, other calls are short. Sometimes a week or two goes by without any communications. I don't worry that much. The silence is not painful. I know he'll call if he needs to. I also know my daughter, who's heading off to college this fall, will do the same. I take the occasional silences as a good sign, a comforting sign.
...and we never end a call without saying I love you.
16
Lessons learned always have a price tag written in regret. You are handling this so much better that my bunch did rushing away to The World.
LT: The Big Chill: I Heard It Through the Grapevine
LT: The Big Chill: I Heard It Through the Grapevine
1
"Communication that was once honest and life-enhancing has become perverted — after a transition — by resentment, neediness or narcissism."
Let's vote: Who feels communication is ruined? Who feels people are worse off because of cheap long distance, video-calling, or these heartfelt "Comments" in the NYT? And, then, who doesn't resent buying a subscription to the Times only to read such lachrymose lamentations a la "Readers Digest" filler about how "Communication that was once honest and life-affirming..."? I do. Dr. Gordon, my English prof in Central High School in Philly in 1956, had a PhD and when he thought we wrote mindless stuff, he drew a red line where we lost him! Once I got one -- it came after an opening paragraph I had loved about "Teapot Dome" scandals. If I had a red marker, my poor monitor would have a line after this article's first sentence. Goop ain't Op-Ed.
Let's vote: Who feels communication is ruined? Who feels people are worse off because of cheap long distance, video-calling, or these heartfelt "Comments" in the NYT? And, then, who doesn't resent buying a subscription to the Times only to read such lachrymose lamentations a la "Readers Digest" filler about how "Communication that was once honest and life-affirming..."? I do. Dr. Gordon, my English prof in Central High School in Philly in 1956, had a PhD and when he thought we wrote mindless stuff, he drew a red line where we lost him! Once I got one -- it came after an opening paragraph I had loved about "Teapot Dome" scandals. If I had a red marker, my poor monitor would have a line after this article's first sentence. Goop ain't Op-Ed.
11
"But if the parents lay down sacrificially, accept the relationship their child defines...." Make that LIE down, Mr. Brooks.
22
Brooks channels Polonius advising and then spying on Laertes? Technology has nothing to do with it.
6
Funny how almost every piece of advice Polonius gives Laertes is, when offered without reference to the source, good advice. And he spies not on Laertes but on Hamlet - after the prince, who's skulking around the castle in Goth get-up, scares the heck out of Ophelia, 'with his doublet all unbraced; no hat upon his head; his stockings fouled, ungartered, and down-gyvèd to his ankle' (with his pants down (!)); then, after making a scene at the play (and talking dirty to Ophelia before the curtain rises), the boy whose name is all but synonymous with 'Oedipus complex) throws a tantrum in his mother's bedroom (!!!). Spy? Yikes! I'd call the cops and get a restraining order, at the very least. Hard to blame Polonius. If Shakespeare wrote today, Hamlet would be an Internet troll and a tinfoil-hat stalker.
You notice a lot of interesting things about the plays once you throw out the Cliffs Notes and read what's there rather than what received opinion tells you to see. Just as you enjoy David Brooks' columns much more when you read them without the common attitude of 'liberals going after the NYT's token conservative op-ed writer'.
You notice a lot of interesting things about the plays once you throw out the Cliffs Notes and read what's there rather than what received opinion tells you to see. Just as you enjoy David Brooks' columns much more when you read them without the common attitude of 'liberals going after the NYT's token conservative op-ed writer'.
2
The technology speeds things up, but is it really different? Divorce can be friendly or hostile. Communicating through lawyers an awful way to deal with relationship. I like your run down of restraint and the critique of parenting. Probably true and helpful as a reminder. Electronic communications seem to encourage the opposite of restraint, if "internet trolls" are any indication. Restraint after all is there because we have to deal with the person after the "emotional scene" is over. Increasingly people seem to think that they don't have to deal with others longterm. This electronic age is run by adolescents, it will mature hopefully. Thanks for the help David.
2
Mr. Brooks, I rarely agree with you, but this eloquent column is spot on. Thank you.
6
I'm not sure if this piece tried to imply that the problems of separation, friends, families and couples, is different now because of modern technology. I don't think the central problems, which have always existed in one form or another, are different. Just the details. We have to deal with someone we are trying to separate from texting us or who we want to connect with who does not text back, just the same as we have to deal with someone unwanted showing up (or not showing up) at the same gym we go to or calling (or not calling) us on the phone. Yes, it is faster and easier, but we adjust our expectations accordingly.
As to the failure of parents today to allow their children independence I can't agree enough. I believe it begins long before adolescence, though certainly the children are more able to express their desire for it and revolt as teenagers. The culprit is mostly unwarranted fear on the part of the parents that has become culturally institutionalized. But, it's coupled with a cultural failure to teach values or discipline children that has been around for a long time. Again, nothing has changed because you can text or go online now. It's just the modern formulation of the problem. Children need to learn what the rules are, that they are expected to keep them and that there are consequences if they do not, whether it is coming home on time or answering their cell phone.
As to the failure of parents today to allow their children independence I can't agree enough. I believe it begins long before adolescence, though certainly the children are more able to express their desire for it and revolt as teenagers. The culprit is mostly unwarranted fear on the part of the parents that has become culturally institutionalized. But, it's coupled with a cultural failure to teach values or discipline children that has been around for a long time. Again, nothing has changed because you can text or go online now. It's just the modern formulation of the problem. Children need to learn what the rules are, that they are expected to keep them and that there are consequences if they do not, whether it is coming home on time or answering their cell phone.
4
David Brooks is becoming increasingly strange. How in God's name does he keep all these personae of his together: the shrewd political insider, the global expert warning darkly about any negotiations with Iran, the stern social critic who knows that poverty is related to weak character, the saddened reader of his critical comment string, etc. And today he reveals that he knows Net stalkers, email bombers, instagram senders of glam photos meant to avenge and taunt. He also seems to think the rest of us do too. Not me. Not even sure what instagram is...
30
Nothing strange if you look closely at the closing paragraphs starting with "The mistakes usually begin..." and become more personal with "By college..." It seems obvious that something is going on in his immediate family. If I am wrong, then Tyrion is correct, this is a strange column.
15
Dear David,
It's like I have this, you know, person in my life...well, maybe he's like my significant other, you know...Well, anyway, he's always telling me what to do. Sometimes he tells me like face to face. But mostly he tells me by text -- sometimes, you know, like when we're having dinner at a restaurant (usually Denny's). But, anyway, so here's my question. If he like texts me when we're at dinner and I don't like what he says, is it like ok to throw my cell phone (it's a really cool Android, you know) at him?...Thanks, (signed) Text-sexxed...
P.S. David, you're so much cooler than Abby ever was. xoxoxoxo
It's like I have this, you know, person in my life...well, maybe he's like my significant other, you know...Well, anyway, he's always telling me what to do. Sometimes he tells me like face to face. But mostly he tells me by text -- sometimes, you know, like when we're having dinner at a restaurant (usually Denny's). But, anyway, so here's my question. If he like texts me when we're at dinner and I don't like what he says, is it like ok to throw my cell phone (it's a really cool Android, you know) at him?...Thanks, (signed) Text-sexxed...
P.S. David, you're so much cooler than Abby ever was. xoxoxoxo
6
One more time, you have put into words the agony, the ecstasy, the hum-drum, the horrific, all of the nuances of how we maintain our humanity. Thank you for your sharing. One can be seen, or heard, as a ''wounded healer'', one who has been down that road. Thank you for your level of transparency; it is refreshing.
Daniel Langner
San Antonio,
Texas
Daniel Langner
San Antonio,
Texas
4
I really like your occasional departures from the standard political brawl. It's sad that some readers want to keep you locked into the perennial Jets vs Sharks, Bloods vs Crips polarities.
6
Informed"Parenting" which should be our culture's highest priority is mostly performed in a veil of ignorance regarding child development and the currently known and critical psychological dynamics of human development which can help parents optimize the consciousness of their offspring.
Your book "The Social Animal" should be must reading for all future parents!
Your book "The Social Animal" should be must reading for all future parents!
2
How can individualism lead to self discovery, when man exists in relationship and every act of Love is ordered to the inherent personal and relational inherent Dignity of the human person? Carl Jung was simply mistaken, for Love is not individualist, Love exists in relationship. We exist because God, The Ordered Communion of Perfect Love exists. We were created through an act of Love, and hopefully, we will be Redeemed through the ultimate Act of Love, "For God so Loved us that He sent His only Son..."
One can know through both Faith and reason, that Perfect Love exists.
Communication can serve the Common Good; it need not serve "The Great Divorce".
One can know through both Faith and reason, that Perfect Love exists.
Communication can serve the Common Good; it need not serve "The Great Divorce".
1
Too bad we don't seem to extend that "Great Love" to the natural world.
2
Umm David? Do you have a teenage daughter and did she just get dumped?
13
Really, though, neither the world nor people are all that different. I can remember break-ups where all we had were land lines, and yet we called, pathetically, and managed to debase ourselves after a break-up. No one was that far from a phone. And we had friends to keep us apprised of the other's movements and relationships, we had competition for who had "won." We have more, and more instant, means to do the same now, but human nature and the nature of changing relationships are the same.
7
Modern communications leaves little time for the sender or the receiver to absorb or analyze. More often than not, it's a knee jerk to share everything from momentary discomfort to what's for supper. Separation is necessary for thought (not "processing," please). Add to this parents who swarm their children with the obligatory activities deemed requisite for proper childhood development leading to adult success, and there is little wonder many students can hardly wait to get out.
Before I was a fired housewife, three concepts would simultaneously play in my mind while my then husband chastised me: "love, acceptance, room to grow" (for me). Yeas later, as my children entered different phases of leaving, one concept played inside me: "wait it out" (for them). They do return, as it fits their situations, always to our mutual delight. As the former husband aged, he returned for brief meetings, nostalgic (for us).
3
Contradictions are not complements. There is order in Truth, as there is order in Love; every act of truth serves to complement and thus enhance the fullness of Truth, just as every act of Love serves to complement and thus enhance the fullness of Love. Truth cannot contradict Truth; Love cannot contradict Love.
In the proper order of things, communication systems are intended to serve man; what is the value then, of a communication system that does not serve for the sake of Truth and Love?
http://worldacademy.org/forum/carl-jungs-conception-individuality
In the proper order of things, communication systems are intended to serve man; what is the value then, of a communication system that does not serve for the sake of Truth and Love?
http://worldacademy.org/forum/carl-jungs-conception-individuality
The irony is that the technology that made it possible to, with very little effort, and almost instantly, contact anyone who wants to be contacted, has also filled up our lives with the urgent need to keep up with so much information, that we don't have even the little bit of time it would take to send a quick email to that old friend we haven't communicated with in a year or two. 40 years ago, there seemed to be many days when I had about an hour of discretionary time to write letters. Now I seem never to have time to write emails I want to write. And all the information mostly makes us neurotic. The toys are amazing and fun, but where is the value?
10
Sounds like David's kids are entering college. He should only be so lucky as to have them start their own lives and leave him and their mother to go on with theirs. Today, many young people are finishing college, only to find that no good jobs are available and the cost of living is so high that they must return home. This is particularly true if the kids have very high student loans to pay off. You can't leave if you have debts and not enough income.
Many middle-class families must cope with the stress of children who would like to leave but are forced to cleave. Parent in such cases are not helicopter parents, anymore than the kids are failing to launch. Everyone is just stuck.
Affordable college, more well-paying jobs, and job security – including the ability for parents to continue to work for as long as they are able, rather than fall victim to age discrimination – will ensure that kids and parents have the resources needed to finance the kids's educations, and for everyone move on.
Recall that "cleave" is a so called "primal word" – it means to separate as well as to hold together. Thus, leaving and cleaving can also mean leaving and leaving. Many young people would like to leave, and many parents wish that they would. Until the economy provides equal opportunities and a fair wage for all, we may have to stay when we want to go.
Finally, David: they will always come home when they need a place to stay or do their laundry. Parenthood is forever.
Many middle-class families must cope with the stress of children who would like to leave but are forced to cleave. Parent in such cases are not helicopter parents, anymore than the kids are failing to launch. Everyone is just stuck.
Affordable college, more well-paying jobs, and job security – including the ability for parents to continue to work for as long as they are able, rather than fall victim to age discrimination – will ensure that kids and parents have the resources needed to finance the kids's educations, and for everyone move on.
Recall that "cleave" is a so called "primal word" – it means to separate as well as to hold together. Thus, leaving and cleaving can also mean leaving and leaving. Many young people would like to leave, and many parents wish that they would. Until the economy provides equal opportunities and a fair wage for all, we may have to stay when we want to go.
Finally, David: they will always come home when they need a place to stay or do their laundry. Parenthood is forever.
5
When I clicked on the headline, "Leaving and Cleaving" I expected to see an editorial on US/Israel/Saudi Arabia relations. Not this.
3
She?
6
Reminds me of that old Letterman bit -- "Is This Anything?"
All that's missing is Paul Schafer's musical backup.
All that's missing is Paul Schafer's musical backup.
3
Old fashioned letter writing was really a good way of communicating. As Francis Bacon said, "Writing maketh an exact man." Before you put things down on paper, you have to think about them.
2
Is this David Brooks' way of breaking up with us?
7
Having been on both sides, the one who leaves and the one who was left behind, it seems at that time all about selfishness. Now it feels different and recovery was only possible when I approached it with unselfishness and preservation of the good memories of that relationship in a safe place in my heart. Don't be bitter but be better!
A wise op-ed column Mr. Brooks!
A wise op-ed column Mr. Brooks!
1
I was going to let this one pass, I guess it is my addictive personality.
Helpful Hints from Heloise or Blowing Bubbles with Brooks.
How come you're not bringing us the latest goodies from cpac, Mr. Brooks?
That is the breakup I would love to read about, the divorce America got from the tea party.
Helpful Hints from Heloise or Blowing Bubbles with Brooks.
How come you're not bringing us the latest goodies from cpac, Mr. Brooks?
That is the breakup I would love to read about, the divorce America got from the tea party.
7
David Brooks! I hope you will find peace within yourself and with all those you've left behind.
How delighted we'd all be if those were to include the Republican cabal who betrayed your lofty ideals!
How delighted we'd all be if those were to include the Republican cabal who betrayed your lofty ideals!
6
David,
Ross called me and asked if you would please, please return his copy of The Fountainhead, you know, the one you read to each other at the beach that summer. And, sighing, he expressed a hope you would change your socks more for whoever is in your future.
Ross called me and asked if you would please, please return his copy of The Fountainhead, you know, the one you read to each other at the beach that summer. And, sighing, he expressed a hope you would change your socks more for whoever is in your future.
5
Got it.
David, I always enjoy your columns. This one was especially timely. Thank you.
4
It is also enjoyable watching him on the PBS NewsHour debating politics with Mark Shields.
I've been there, David. About 20 years ago, when my first daughter left for college and the daily exchange of newsy emails which i had envisioned never materialized. It was a sad September for me that year as I came to realize that father and daughter had entered a different phase. I would still be "Daddy" but never again in quite the same way.
It gets better, as they say, if you let it. We're two adults now who love and respect each other. But there was that September........
It gets better, as they say, if you let it. We're two adults now who love and respect each other. But there was that September........
29
The invention of email serves a valuable purpose when it comes to alerting people of pending weather conditions. This tool actually can save lives. However, most emailing and tweeting is done by individuals who are either lazy, looking for a short cut because they are “always in a hurry”, or are cowards. Taking the time to actually talk to someone on the telephone or compose and write a letter takes time and effort. A personal interaction is involved and is felt from the recipient. I had a boss who would write scathing emails to co-workers whenever he felt they had erred in making a decision. However, he would never address these issues with them in person. I almost got fired when I mentioned that it’s easy and safe being a bully when sitting behind a computer monitor and sending out emails instead of having the courage and integrity to speak with someone face to face. I’m not sure if people are afraid or simply don’t care about one-on-one contact anymore. No wonder people feel lonely and lost even though they have 500 “friends”. What I do believe is that the attitude of emailing and tweeting has become an acceptable method of communicating, similar to the idea of a food replicator on Star Trek. It’s not the same, but close enough.
6
Thank you Mr Brooks for this...
"The paradox is that the person doing the leaving controls the situation, but greater heroism is demanded of the one being left behind. The person left in the vapor trail is hurt and probably craves contact. It’s amazing how much pain there is when what was once intimate conversation turns into unnaturally casual banter, emotional distance or just a void."
Thank you for these words. You've helped me frame how I hope to act both as a leave-taker and ultimately as I am left behind, with grace.
"The paradox is that the person doing the leaving controls the situation, but greater heroism is demanded of the one being left behind. The person left in the vapor trail is hurt and probably craves contact. It’s amazing how much pain there is when what was once intimate conversation turns into unnaturally casual banter, emotional distance or just a void."
Thank you for these words. You've helped me frame how I hope to act both as a leave-taker and ultimately as I am left behind, with grace.
3
You write, "We all know men and women who stalk ex-lovers online; people who bombard a friend with emails even though that friendship has evidently cooled; mentors who resent their former protégés when their emails are no longer instantly returned; people who post faux glam pictures on Instagram so they can “win the breakup” against their ex."
Well, maybe I'm luckier than I thought; I don'r know anybody who would stalk or who has been stalked. I honestly have never bombarded anybody with emails, nor have I been a bombardee. And I guess I must live in some zone where no one I know would, and I certainly wouldn't "post faux glam photos" even if there might be an worthy object of my revenge. Would you?
Man, Mr. Brooks, you might consider widening your social network and maybe include some emotionally mature people. A mature leavee/dumpee usually knows that the leaver is about to go. A non-needy, self-respecting adult with a smidgen of sense will let the leaver go. An emotionally mature person will not become a panting drama queen. Of course, rejection hurts and disagreements are disturbing and not healthy. But by late adolescence most people learn that time takes care of pain and it just feels better to just get on with life and see who and what is next. And that might just take tearing your eyes away from your silly smart phone long enough to watch where you are going.
Well, maybe I'm luckier than I thought; I don'r know anybody who would stalk or who has been stalked. I honestly have never bombarded anybody with emails, nor have I been a bombardee. And I guess I must live in some zone where no one I know would, and I certainly wouldn't "post faux glam photos" even if there might be an worthy object of my revenge. Would you?
Man, Mr. Brooks, you might consider widening your social network and maybe include some emotionally mature people. A mature leavee/dumpee usually knows that the leaver is about to go. A non-needy, self-respecting adult with a smidgen of sense will let the leaver go. An emotionally mature person will not become a panting drama queen. Of course, rejection hurts and disagreements are disturbing and not healthy. But by late adolescence most people learn that time takes care of pain and it just feels better to just get on with life and see who and what is next. And that might just take tearing your eyes away from your silly smart phone long enough to watch where you are going.
5
Yes, you are luckier than you thought. You might be surprised how these things happen. I remember some years ago a respected New York state judge became a stalker after his girlfriend left him - wound up in gaol. (I remember his name, but the man is now dead, so let him rest.) I've had online exchanges turn sour and been reminded that the man or woman behind the screen name is a stranger and you see only what he or she chooses to present. You may deprecatingly deride such people as immature 'drama queens' and not 'non-needy, self-respecting adults' but Medea was a real queen; Othello was a great general. Euripides and Shakespeare predate the 'smart phone' by centuries, but they knew that the average rational human being has pockets of irrationality. (Even Spock had the plak tau.)
Very thoughtful about social medial, at 57 frankly I find it pretty awful. Young people do seem different in personality style and depth because of it, many of us are very disturbed about it.
Mr. Brooks would do better on the assumptions about life changes, particularly moving home to going to college. As was written in the Nation recently, David Brooks, as a solid 1%er always has his classist ducks in a row. Their is life beyond upper tier New York and Westchester-many kids can't even consider going away to college. Provincial? You bet.
Mr. Brooks would do better on the assumptions about life changes, particularly moving home to going to college. As was written in the Nation recently, David Brooks, as a solid 1%er always has his classist ducks in a row. Their is life beyond upper tier New York and Westchester-many kids can't even consider going away to college. Provincial? You bet.
2
Aristotle's thoughts on friendship advised that when there is a break that the best move was to not say anything about it as you drifted; that confrontation and explication was not the move. For comments about David B and his private life--not fair----for those who have read him through the yrs., and see him on PBS--he is great and most of us love the split of "life management" articles and the political. Being a practicing psychiatrist over the past 30 years--I find the "being human" columns actually very enlightening, helpful, and well researched.
40
David has known, knows weird people. His crowd seems to have many phobias and mind sets. He makes me realize that I live a dull, unevent life. I simply do not have the same encounters as he reports.
6
Mr. Brooks:
An excellent essay! In less than on column, you have summarized the heartbreak of relationships. And the importance for each of us to learn how to mend a (our own) broken heart, and love again. Please re-write this piece and publish it again and again, it is worth expanding and refining. What about these new virtual dating services? Personalization of automation of personality, for people who say they dont know how to express their own personality,... confusing to me. Would be good to learn about postivie examples of relationships born and thriving as a result of the technology? I can tell you in my marriage, travelling for work, distance does in fact make the heart grow stronger. But there is no substitute for waking up in the same bed on Saturday mornings!
An excellent essay! In less than on column, you have summarized the heartbreak of relationships. And the importance for each of us to learn how to mend a (our own) broken heart, and love again. Please re-write this piece and publish it again and again, it is worth expanding and refining. What about these new virtual dating services? Personalization of automation of personality, for people who say they dont know how to express their own personality,... confusing to me. Would be good to learn about postivie examples of relationships born and thriving as a result of the technology? I can tell you in my marriage, travelling for work, distance does in fact make the heart grow stronger. But there is no substitute for waking up in the same bed on Saturday mornings!
23
"We all know men and women who stalk ex-lovers online."
Not really. This is pop psych from Mr. Brooks again. If this article is based on Mr. Brooks' personal experiences that's fine. But the causes and effects of human interaction are as infinite as the stars in the sky and ultimately unknowable.
I'd be very hesitant to proffer my own experiences as axioms of existence for humankind.
Not really. This is pop psych from Mr. Brooks again. If this article is based on Mr. Brooks' personal experiences that's fine. But the causes and effects of human interaction are as infinite as the stars in the sky and ultimately unknowable.
I'd be very hesitant to proffer my own experiences as axioms of existence for humankind.
4
Communications technology has exposed our natural normal biological ape animal communication behavior. Magnification of our tone, tenor, gesture, hormones and pheromones in time and place. Nothing much has changed. We always have the group societal expectations competing with our individual needs and wants. Choices? Reasons?
Moore's law, named after Gordon E. More, co-founder of the Intel Corporation, states that "Over the history of computing hardware, the number of transistors in a dense integrated circuit doubles approximately every two years." This has been true, if not more accelerated, not less, and probably won't be reversed unless something unplug the whole Earth like it did for the dinosaurs.
So what's Moore's law for human beings? Our circuits (brain, heart, lung, senses) do not seem to double every 2 years. This is because the evolution of the human body has been going on for 4-6 millions of years. When stretch against this time line, it does have its Moore's law, but perhaps measured in centuries, not years.
Think of being born 6 million years from now, and at age 3 when you first learned how to turn on the computer. Apply Moore's law to that and imagine what computational power that 3 year old has at his disposal then.
In other words, technology's potential and power advance much faster than we can learn how to use it wisely. The same goes for the human brain - our potential and its power are worth 6 million years of advancement by nature, yet we choose to use it very little. So what's weighing on that?
INTEL is named because of "INTegrated" and "ELectronics." If "Intelilligence" is the result of such INTegrations, then our ability to apply ourselves, via Online, Digital Technology, or any other form of human communications must be integratED.
We must EDucate ourselves for that.
So what's Moore's law for human beings? Our circuits (brain, heart, lung, senses) do not seem to double every 2 years. This is because the evolution of the human body has been going on for 4-6 millions of years. When stretch against this time line, it does have its Moore's law, but perhaps measured in centuries, not years.
Think of being born 6 million years from now, and at age 3 when you first learned how to turn on the computer. Apply Moore's law to that and imagine what computational power that 3 year old has at his disposal then.
In other words, technology's potential and power advance much faster than we can learn how to use it wisely. The same goes for the human brain - our potential and its power are worth 6 million years of advancement by nature, yet we choose to use it very little. So what's weighing on that?
INTEL is named because of "INTegrated" and "ELectronics." If "Intelilligence" is the result of such INTegrations, then our ability to apply ourselves, via Online, Digital Technology, or any other form of human communications must be integratED.
We must EDucate ourselves for that.
It was certainly a lot easier to escape the laser-beam scrutiny of parents back when long-distance phone calls were rarely undertaken and there were no texts, emails or tweets.
1
This is a really interesting piece that covers a lot of ground that can't possibly be covered in one fell swoop. Leaving a lover, moving to another city and becoming an empty nester are fairly disparate events, though they all involve transition, loss and grief. Being a recent empty nester I can relate to the need to restrain oneself and give the fledgling room to practice and grow. But I don't see it as a 'sacrifice' rather just part of the job. The hardest and one of the most satisfying jobs there is.
There are other ways we can communicate with one another that is healthy and is demonstrated in many ways on TV. "The Chew" encourages parents to prepare meals with their children and to have meals together. The many and varied family sitcoms use humor to show the value of honest, truthful, and careful communication. Anything less gets the protagonists in trouble. The CSI and NCIS programs demonstrate the value of teamwork and the necessity of accurate and frequent communication. Much of television entertainment programming are a series of morality plays. Perhaps this is because viewers in addition to being entertained are also encouraged to be adults who communicate well. Like this commentary, I think there are TV shows which give us the courage to walk into our futures, both near and far, with our best and highest self.
In this world of instant gratification and communication, "Flaming" - be it after a failed relationship or at work - while cathartic at the time, inevitably does not end up well. It's good to purge onto "paper" to release one's feelings and hurt, but save it (to delete or edit later), don't hit the send button!
Seems to be a great example of attachment theory. I like how Brooks points out that, in a sense, we never really "leave" but instead have to decide to be silent. I agree with his sentiment that this requires more self-discipline from us, and others have stated, more maturity.
2
The genie is out of the bottle--many of our intimate conversations, debates, and arguments are now through text or email. No eye-contact, no quick thinking, no real humor to deescalate--just cold texts, just crafted response, carefully spooned words. This may facilitate hurt relationships because in the past, in the 80s and 90s, one could go for months, years, not talking to someone--no harm no foul. Now there is no excuse. Just a text away. It's much easier to reach weird, paranoid conclusions.
Parents laying "down sacrificially" is wise advice. This seems counter intuitive to a parent's nurturing instincts, but at some point that nurturing becomes suffocating, an attempt to control when he/she should just listen--and maybe not through text.
Parents laying "down sacrificially" is wise advice. This seems counter intuitive to a parent's nurturing instincts, but at some point that nurturing becomes suffocating, an attempt to control when he/she should just listen--and maybe not through text.
2
My primary reaction here is why the specific pronouns. Referring to the 'left behind' person as 'she' makes this thoughful and thought provoking article seem sexist. David, do you really think that men, the powerful, are doing the leaving and women, the weaker sex, are being left behind? Then I read a number of comments and decided that Brooks is actually writing about a specific situation where the man is leaving and the woman is left behind. I wish he would be clearer. I usually consider Brooks a moderate with Conservative leanings, but the wording here makes him seem like he is propogating the stereotypical Conservative male bias. Please be clearer.
2
No. Re-read essay. He switches back and forth between masculine and feminine pro-nouns. The first leaver is male. The second leaver is female.
2
one of the themes that Mr. Brooks' column seems to be leading to is a sincere request for civility in the face of too-often overwhelming, current-day communication methodologies.
particularly in light of age-related inertia in the struggle to comprehend and maybe even to understand the relatively fast-moving, seemingly daily changes required now to "keep-up".
( principally focusing on how-to acknowledge, accept and move-on from communication-break-ups of all types.)
but --then-- these four paragraphs on "parenting" intrude and interrupt the rhythm previously established, which seem completely out of place ---
almost as if they were inserted from a different column meant for a different discussion...
they conclude with the idea that communications, though interrupted, can be "rebooted" and will thus be carried-forward into, perhaps, a more-mature future...
this after many earlier statements about how-to, more or less, permanently terminate communications in other of life's circumstances.
the memo's final paragraph is stressing "heroism" -- yet, isn't this where contemplative silence wants to be?
in the end, i am reminded of older-times, after sunset, AM radio wherein signals from different stations overlap, replace and interfere with each other -- becoming stronger, then fading away, a partial message heard but ultimately an incomplete statement -- always rather noisy; and often an incomprehensible mish-mash.
this makes knowing when to "tune-in" the ultimately key.
particularly in light of age-related inertia in the struggle to comprehend and maybe even to understand the relatively fast-moving, seemingly daily changes required now to "keep-up".
( principally focusing on how-to acknowledge, accept and move-on from communication-break-ups of all types.)
but --then-- these four paragraphs on "parenting" intrude and interrupt the rhythm previously established, which seem completely out of place ---
almost as if they were inserted from a different column meant for a different discussion...
they conclude with the idea that communications, though interrupted, can be "rebooted" and will thus be carried-forward into, perhaps, a more-mature future...
this after many earlier statements about how-to, more or less, permanently terminate communications in other of life's circumstances.
the memo's final paragraph is stressing "heroism" -- yet, isn't this where contemplative silence wants to be?
in the end, i am reminded of older-times, after sunset, AM radio wherein signals from different stations overlap, replace and interfere with each other -- becoming stronger, then fading away, a partial message heard but ultimately an incomplete statement -- always rather noisy; and often an incomprehensible mish-mash.
this makes knowing when to "tune-in" the ultimately key.
1
Ages/Stages -------Roles/Goals--All relationships are built on patterns of behavior, at different ages and stages in your life roles and goals in relationships change as do behaviors to preserve respects of the relationship. Grace yourself with wisdom, surrender to the process , living systems are always changing trying to stop or control the change is a fools journey.
1
Relationships are the great double-edged sword of our existence.
When well developed and healthy, they add a dimension to our lives unavailable through any other source. When superficial and dysfunctional, they have the real potential to ruin lives.
Instant communication has, so far, enabled young people to have some relationships that exist primarily in the airwaves and not "in person".
Since we are programmed from years of personal interactions to respond to tone of voice, body language and other cues that are missing from these "airwave relationships", the very nature of them is different.
My fear has always been that replacing person-to-person interactions with digital communications will create fewer meaningful relationships that will stand the test of time. I hope I am wrong!
When well developed and healthy, they add a dimension to our lives unavailable through any other source. When superficial and dysfunctional, they have the real potential to ruin lives.
Instant communication has, so far, enabled young people to have some relationships that exist primarily in the airwaves and not "in person".
Since we are programmed from years of personal interactions to respond to tone of voice, body language and other cues that are missing from these "airwave relationships", the very nature of them is different.
My fear has always been that replacing person-to-person interactions with digital communications will create fewer meaningful relationships that will stand the test of time. I hope I am wrong!
I was going to send this to my daughter n college, as it seemed, in the beginning, to fit very well with a break up that she had just had with a friend.
But then, I see the end of the article is also about me and her.
So I think I will not send her the link to this -- or at least sleep on it.
Maybe in a week.
Important topic.
Thanks for this thoughtfulness.
But then, I see the end of the article is also about me and her.
So I think I will not send her the link to this -- or at least sleep on it.
Maybe in a week.
Important topic.
Thanks for this thoughtfulness.
I'm not a David Brooks fan, but I think he gets this one right. Leaving gracefully or being left is hard as hell, and it is precisely the increasing silence where there was frequent communication that makes it so hard to bear...at least for some of us.
This is not only about children leaving and separating. Brooks talks about the pain of distance where there was closeness, the struggle to be dignified in the face of humiliation and longing.
Thank you for writing this.
This is not only about children leaving and separating. Brooks talks about the pain of distance where there was closeness, the struggle to be dignified in the face of humiliation and longing.
Thank you for writing this.
67
That was liberating. Where did that come from Mr. Brooks? Gaining personal insight and strength is another reward in the restraint of making the right choice in these situations. To go beyond restraint, to respect and encouragement for the freedom to choose, is an incredible and fulfilling achievement in the face of heartbreak. This life is not easy to figure out but I've been told that we all recognize truth when we hear it because it resonates with something already inside us. You recognized a truth here and expressed it brilliantly.
45
In the connected world some communications gets left behind. We can read a text message. We can sense what the meaning of the text message is. We just can't feel the entire context of the message without visual queues.
Beautiful column. Thank you, David Brooks.
This reads like narcissistic nonsense to me. I don't know anyone who stalks anyone online. I don't know an email bombardier. I don't know any mentor resents a protege or anyone who posts faux glam pictures. I did not hang on to any of my children too tight or try too hard to be too cool.
Mr. Brooks need to find a new heartland.
Mr. Brooks need to find a new heartland.
5
I can only say that when my kids left for college (or the military), I was happy for them and ready to have one less person to cook & clean for, and an empty bedroom to turn into a crafting space.
People who cling to their adult children have "issues" best worked out in shrink's office.
People who cling to their adult children have "issues" best worked out in shrink's office.
3
Though I doubt this column reflects any universal truths, I am nonetheless glad to be SOOO old that my friends and I still communicate via email, telephone, and visits when we feel like it, and no one minds if that means (especially for long distance friends) a month or two of silence goes by (and of course, even for those on Facebook, it's trivial and unimportant). As for exes, well, again I'm also without knowledge of "lots of relationships" that involve stalking of this sort. One or two, yes, but not "lots". To me when I read columns like this it seems that the world grows more and more shallow, but then again, it's only media -- they have to write about something, so maybe it's really not.
3
For most of our parenting lives until they turn 18 we all have dreams and wishes for our kids. This sometimes can develop into an unhealthy pattern of living through them and if they are successfull (who's definition?) then "we must be great parents". Now that one of ours is on the other side of the world and with limited contact, these aspirations have been stripped down to simply wanting them to be safe & healthy. Nothing else really matters and I'm extremely grateful this point has been reached.
1
David Brooks’s column on “Leaving and Cleaving” is an embarrassing example of how the New York Times often prints pieces that assume its only audience is upper-middle class or wealthy white people. Look at the assumptions in his opening paragraph: “So much of life is about leave-taking: moving from home to college, from love to love, from city to city and from life stage to life stage.” Only a minority of young people today have the academic credentials, money or mobility to move to a residential college campus. The millions of Americans living in poverty do not regularly move from “city to city.” The same kind of narrowness lies behind Brooks’s use of “we,” as in "We all know men and women who stalk ex-lovers online.” No, we don’t, because many of us don’t have computers or smartphones or the leisure time for such nonsense. What if Brooks had begun his essay with this paragraph: “So much of life is about leave taking: moving from school to school three or four times a year as your single-parent can’t afford rent; saying goodbye to brothers and uncles imprisoned for petty offenses; attending the funerals of friends shot by the police or the gangsters in your neighborhood; watching as undocumented family members get deported. . . . “ Well, you get the idea. The social narcissism of privilege often undercuts otherwise thoughtful essays likes this in the Times, and the newspaper ought to make an effort to do better in the future in representing all of American experience.
74
David Brooks writes for the NY Times readership. Surprise!
1
Thank you, Greg Jay, for another way of looking at things, one that reflects the lives of so many.
2
From time to time, Mr Brooks writes columns that seem oddly confessional, and this is one of them. Sometimes he seems ready to expose Republican gaps in logic, but he never quite gets there. Sometimes he tries to figure out what makes him tick, but in his columns at least, he never quite gets there, either In the latter case, we are often left wondering what his motive is -- whether he has behaved badly. Is this his public mea culpa? What could bring him to document his seeming lack of equilibrium in print in The New York Times? If our ability to make instant communications can make many situations more complicated, what about the ability to write a column twice a week that will be read around the world in a flash? If I were Mr Brooks, I would use more restraint about my personal life in that realm as well.
13
Imagine a friend who has been your constant companion at say a CPAC meeting or a Tea Party strategy caucus suddenly saying "I can't do this any more. It's insane." That would create a void and challenge to the one left behind. It would cause anger and confusion and resentment for the one left behind. After all you'd done for him.
5
Nick,
Reading between the lines, at my peril I'm sure, but you don't by chance think that David and Ross had a "falling out" do you? Cue the "Who Can I Turn to . ."
Reading between the lines, at my peril I'm sure, but you don't by chance think that David and Ross had a "falling out" do you? Cue the "Who Can I Turn to . ."
1
Perhaps the author has just discovered the LMN network found in the Comcast On Demand section. Their productions are really not bad.
I agree 100% that the transition from instant communication to non response leaves the aggrieved party filled with helplessness.
What LMN does best is give the suitors more than one really good choice.
Most people don't dwell on rejection very long.
I agree 100% that the transition from instant communication to non response leaves the aggrieved party filled with helplessness.
What LMN does best is give the suitors more than one really good choice.
Most people don't dwell on rejection very long.
"We all know men and women who, ..."
NO. We do not! Maybe this describes Mr. Brook's life, certainly not mine, nor anyone's I know of. Good lord, is this any kind of reality for the general population? If so I shudder.
NO. We do not! Maybe this describes Mr. Brook's life, certainly not mine, nor anyone's I know of. Good lord, is this any kind of reality for the general population? If so I shudder.
8
As a family therapist I see this all too often. Parents ask questions they already know the answer to, to catch their child in a lie. If you know the answer, then just say so, and proceed accordingly. Don't play word games and head games with your child. Let them be independent while they are still at home, so they have a chance to make their mistakes while you are still around to help them understand and learn from them. I encourage parents and teens to speak honestly about things like drugs and sex, without fear of punishment or retribution. Young people cant go to their parents to talk things over and learn if they are concerned about getting grounded and the like. Wisdom is much more important than punishment. And the bond is better for it.
11
I think what Brooks is saying is parents today are too invested in their children's happiness. My folks and their generation were different. They wanted us to get an education, get a job, get married and become independent.
The other thing he's saying is also worth remembering: maybe the greatest idea Christianity offers is the notion of forgiveness..."forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".
The other thing he's saying is also worth remembering: maybe the greatest idea Christianity offers is the notion of forgiveness..."forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".
6
I virtually never agree with David Brooks but in this case I think he's on the money at least in the last part regarding helicopter parents. I'm not so sure it has that much to do with technology, as he and almost everyone else seems to think. I've known parents who hovered way too close by almost literally hovering, walking children not only to school but into the classroom, and I don't mean toddlers, but grade school children, to the point where concerned teachers requested that they stop doing so. There were barely any cell phones at the time, and texting was virtually nonexistent.
One friend, an older woman, theorized that this trend had a lot to do with a larger percentage of women working, along with which came a sense of guilt that they weren't doing enough in terms of child rearing, something that in turn is a symptom of the quandary women found themselves in, who despite working full time were expected to still be perfect mothers in some traditional sense.
It's not anything to be taken lightly, in any case, I've seen adults whose lives were virtually destroyed by never having been given the opportunity to fend for themselves, remaining kind of half-children well into their 40s, and not faring well as a result. This is not always the outcome of over-protective parenting, it depends on the individual, but when it does happen it's tragic to see.
One friend, an older woman, theorized that this trend had a lot to do with a larger percentage of women working, along with which came a sense of guilt that they weren't doing enough in terms of child rearing, something that in turn is a symptom of the quandary women found themselves in, who despite working full time were expected to still be perfect mothers in some traditional sense.
It's not anything to be taken lightly, in any case, I've seen adults whose lives were virtually destroyed by never having been given the opportunity to fend for themselves, remaining kind of half-children well into their 40s, and not faring well as a result. This is not always the outcome of over-protective parenting, it depends on the individual, but when it does happen it's tragic to see.
5
technology allows parents to never be forced to feel that their child is away and to get used to the idea that they have to trust them to do the right things. Back in the stone ages, we went to college and saw our parents for thanksgiving and christmas break. long distance phone cost too much, no pictures. They got used to not being on top of our daily lives and we got used to who we were becoming which we could show our parents every couple of months if we wanted. With face time and face book, some moms see their college kids every day, the kids call home at the slightest adversity, and parents follow their childs social life on the internet. How can independence arise from that?
56
Is this a disguised comment about the relation between Obama and Netanyahu?
Who is leaving whom? Who is hanging on too tight? Who is self-restrained? Who wants the last word? They need a family therapist, because this doesn't appear to be headed toward an adult-to-adult reboot.
Who is leaving whom? Who is hanging on too tight? Who is self-restrained? Who wants the last word? They need a family therapist, because this doesn't appear to be headed toward an adult-to-adult reboot.
Oddly specific choice of pronouns in this one. Everyone is always "he" in these columns, which we are supposed to understand means women, too. Now, suddenly, a "she" crops up -- as the person being left behind. I guess the cliche of leaving the woman behind is stronger than the cliche of an inclusive "he."
Are you trying to tell us something, David? Then just spit it out!
Are you trying to tell us something, David? Then just spit it out!
27
Thank you.
1
I felt very comforted by reading Brooks' column this morning and whatever he is going through, this is what a writer does: express universal emotions. Back before the internet, my father died suddenly of a heart attack during my first semester of college. It was my first time living away from home so I was just starting to create some semblance of independence. But my mother was very dependent on my dad and she had a nervous breakdown and started drinking. I felt very lost then as I saw my roommates getting phone calls and care packages from their parents but nothing came to me except silence and deep grief. This first year of college should have been a happy time for me but instead became a time of trauma. I would have loved a 'helicopter' parent then (or aunt or uncle). I guess we always want what we don't have. But I think Brooks is calling for human connection that's more mature and considerate of others instead of narcissistic, so I totally applaud that
10
At first I thought you were referring to adult romantic separation - divorce - but then by the end it became clearer. It sounds personal. It sounds as if you're going through this with your kids. It must be tough - I don't have kids - but I've been the one left many times in my life by friends. Probably because I've never been popular, a good catch with good credentials. I always thought we had such fun together, connected so easily - so over the years it's made me sad and reluctant to even want close friends anymore. I kind of feel like erasing the above, but maybe I'll leave it. Heroic - I don't know about that. But one has to accept and not make a jerk out of oneself. If it's your child growing up - well, if this is what you're going through - I'm sure they will return, because you're a nice guy.
6
Yikes. "This means not calling when you are not wanted." I read Brooks' columns to read the comments, from which I learn. I wanted to say that I appreciate the comments. My comment today is probably not wanted by Mr. Brooks but I see no harm in writing it. I am curious as to why he wrote this column- what is going on in his private life but his writing without the word "I" lets me know that that is none of my business and I am not to ask. It is one more time when I wonder about the world in which Mr. Brooks lives and appreciate the inclusive nature of the comments.
15
A beautiful quote by William Blake encapsulates the essence of human growth and maturation:
"To see a world in a grain of sand and a Heaven in a wild flower. To hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour."
When a person individuates, to use a Carl Jung phrase, they are able to see themselves as part of a much wider world view than as solely a member of a nuclear family or a former lover. Individuation describes the process of becoming aware of oneself, of one’s make-up, and the way to discover one’s true, inner self. Jung's psychoanalytic theories focus on both the ego as well as the unconscious. The unconscious, in Jung's theory, is split between the personal and the collective.
When a parent or former lover is caught up in the emotional distancing that occurs when their beloved begins to break away and individuate it is a painful process. Whether this involves moving away to attend college or simply breaking off the relationship to start their life anew, their is always a period of mourning by the one left in the wake. This process of grieving is integral to the survival and protection of the ego mechanism. Social media tends to exacerbate the grieving process by removing the instant gratification of the ego by seeing and communicating with the beloved. This is when the ego defenses tend to either create healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms such as destructive behavior aimed at revenge against the beloved or constructive personal self care.
"To see a world in a grain of sand and a Heaven in a wild flower. To hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour."
When a person individuates, to use a Carl Jung phrase, they are able to see themselves as part of a much wider world view than as solely a member of a nuclear family or a former lover. Individuation describes the process of becoming aware of oneself, of one’s make-up, and the way to discover one’s true, inner self. Jung's psychoanalytic theories focus on both the ego as well as the unconscious. The unconscious, in Jung's theory, is split between the personal and the collective.
When a parent or former lover is caught up in the emotional distancing that occurs when their beloved begins to break away and individuate it is a painful process. Whether this involves moving away to attend college or simply breaking off the relationship to start their life anew, their is always a period of mourning by the one left in the wake. This process of grieving is integral to the survival and protection of the ego mechanism. Social media tends to exacerbate the grieving process by removing the instant gratification of the ego by seeing and communicating with the beloved. This is when the ego defenses tend to either create healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms such as destructive behavior aimed at revenge against the beloved or constructive personal self care.
5
We need to discover Blake. We need the magic encompassed in an age before reason and logic became the be all and end all of human existence. We need the ability to just "see the world in a grain of sand" just as the great metaphysical philosopher, poet, painter and illustrator of the late 18th century. Blake also told us he could only find his voice in poetry, prose was not the language we needed to convey our doubts and our humanity. What is unsaid says more than what is said,
The Canadian philosopher John Ralston Saul said as much in his 1992 book Voltaire's Bastards and its alternate title The Dictatorship of Reason in the West." They have stolen our magic, they have stolen our poetry and they have stolen our humanity. I am grateful for the technology that saved my life but without the 18th century metaphysicians like Blake and the Baal Shem Tov I might see myself as only another cog in the economic machine.
The Canadian philosopher John Ralston Saul said as much in his 1992 book Voltaire's Bastards and its alternate title The Dictatorship of Reason in the West." They have stolen our magic, they have stolen our poetry and they have stolen our humanity. I am grateful for the technology that saved my life but without the 18th century metaphysicians like Blake and the Baal Shem Tov I might see myself as only another cog in the economic machine.
3
This is a thorny issue considering that, "the dictatorship of reason in the West" is a philosophy that free individuals can either buy into or opt out as a conscientious objector. Some New Age gurus believe that when one advances to the plane of existence of the Ascended Masters that all knowledge developed by mankind in encased in the Akashic records. Therefore, it isn't a matter of stealing, but rather remembering our collective archives which are the collective unconscious of humanity. Individuals who have regained their ability to tune into their psychic powers can easily tune into the Akashic which is a Sanskrit word meaning "sky, space, luminous or æther" depending on ones theosophy. Once one has obtained the ability to astrally project, they are no longer chained to the confines of the Earth.
1
Communications, in today’s hyper-connected world, is no longer about means. Yes, thanks to technology – from smartphones to Skype – we can communicate with loved and not-so-loved ones anywhere at anytime. But this surfeit of the means of communications does not make it desirable. People should communicate not because they can, but because they want to.
When I came to this country in 1983, even though AT&T had just been broken up, I could barely afford to “reach out and touch someone” – yes, that memorable AT&T tag line from those days – in my native India more than once a month. There was a day parting of call times and during the cheapest hours, it cost me $3.50 for the first minute and $2 per additional minute – yet, I couldn’t wait to call my parents once a month for those most precious ten minutes of the month!
Now my kids are grown and we are empty nesters – they can be anywhere and they can call us anytime and they do almost daily, in addition to ample texting. We love that we have that choice and both sides have a desire to communicate on a frequent basis. Meanwhile, I can now Skype for free to India, but we still do so barely once a month. Alas, communicating is about want – the more things change, the more they stay the same!
When I came to this country in 1983, even though AT&T had just been broken up, I could barely afford to “reach out and touch someone” – yes, that memorable AT&T tag line from those days – in my native India more than once a month. There was a day parting of call times and during the cheapest hours, it cost me $3.50 for the first minute and $2 per additional minute – yet, I couldn’t wait to call my parents once a month for those most precious ten minutes of the month!
Now my kids are grown and we are empty nesters – they can be anywhere and they can call us anytime and they do almost daily, in addition to ample texting. We love that we have that choice and both sides have a desire to communicate on a frequent basis. Meanwhile, I can now Skype for free to India, but we still do so barely once a month. Alas, communicating is about want – the more things change, the more they stay the same!
23
As far as I can tell people have been leaving and cleaving with and without communication before or after. Parents have refused to grant their children autonomy for years. They have smothered their children years before the term helicopter parenting was coined. Other parents have given their children roots and wings before and after we had cell phones, texting, etc. What applies to all relationships is this: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be kind, polite, show respect, and let go gracefully if the relationship is ending. This was true two hundred years ago. It's true now.
1
It is all about maturity. The only behavior you can change is your own.
39
This is an important column. The way we leave or shift once-close friendships - or love relationships, for that matter - can have a deep impact on not only our ability to make new friendships but to succeed with our lives. A relationship that has ended inconclusively, leaving a measure of hurt on one side or the other, doesn't go away - it festers like any untreated wound. Excellent piece, but for one grammatical gaffe: "But if the parents lay down sacrificially . . ." is guilty of an increasingly common and annoying misuse of "lay down," which in this case is intransitive (should be "lie down"), not transitive, as in "If the parents lay down their arms sacrificially . . ." Where was the copy desk?
Remarks on leave-taking? Moving from home to college, from love to love, from city to city and from life stage to life stage?
This is probably an area of life--meditation--where one must admit to being entirely subjective. That said, this offers an opportunity to bring up the major reason why I object to Christianity. I have had to move a lot, go through various stages of life and this process has brought home human impotency, how little really one can help oneself not to mention help others. A person can hardly move forward let alone help others forward. And if one is on the "receiving end"--watching another person move away or forward in some way--one can only be heroic, allow the person to go, grow, if the person first has some capacity for forward movement, growth, which many people moving forward do not have: Rather so many moving forward are just tearing themselves away and others be d*mned. And of course it is questionable why it is precisely the ones left behind who are expected to be heroic while the "forward movement", often just moves forward, rarely looks behind.
I object to Christianity because Christ according to the well known story is not so much great for any suffering or great deed but rather because of having had the POWER to redeem the human race. Thousands move forward and are left behind every day who no doubt would be willing to die if only it could uplift the race in some relevant fashion. Thousands also are here and there out of selfishness.
This is probably an area of life--meditation--where one must admit to being entirely subjective. That said, this offers an opportunity to bring up the major reason why I object to Christianity. I have had to move a lot, go through various stages of life and this process has brought home human impotency, how little really one can help oneself not to mention help others. A person can hardly move forward let alone help others forward. And if one is on the "receiving end"--watching another person move away or forward in some way--one can only be heroic, allow the person to go, grow, if the person first has some capacity for forward movement, growth, which many people moving forward do not have: Rather so many moving forward are just tearing themselves away and others be d*mned. And of course it is questionable why it is precisely the ones left behind who are expected to be heroic while the "forward movement", often just moves forward, rarely looks behind.
I object to Christianity because Christ according to the well known story is not so much great for any suffering or great deed but rather because of having had the POWER to redeem the human race. Thousands move forward and are left behind every day who no doubt would be willing to die if only it could uplift the race in some relevant fashion. Thousands also are here and there out of selfishness.
I didn't understand a word of this column.
17
As I read the comments from day to day it becomes apparent that Mr. Brooke's has a following reminiscent of teenagers who commit suicide in part due to cyber bullying. Anti-bullying is espoused by many, yet acceptable adult bullying is everywhere: politics, local government, families, corporations, religious hierarchies, Doctor's offices and hospitals, non-profits, yadda, yadda, yadda. How stupid can we be to think our kids could do anything else other than to try to out bully one another? I would urge his gang to leave the poor conservative alone. He is one of the intellectually honest conservative journalists left.
2
When I can't decide between two things, I often flip a coin. If I dislike the outcome of the flip...I now know what I want and go with that instead. It's worth pointing out that the study showing satisfaction or dissatisfaction regarding breakups involved undergrads. A breakup between college students isn't that big a deal. In fact, I'd say that college is the period of time in someone's life when breaking up is the most trivial of all. You're not tightly clustered together like in high school, or unable to see past that one precious relationship as much as in high school. But there are also no kids, no cohabitation issues, no common property either.
The late great comedian George Carlin had entire bits in his comedy routines about how all this "helicoptering" by parents would lead to real problems for the children and would retard their development into independent adults, especially in the area of emotional self reliance. Carlin was doing these bits in the mid-1990's. "Helicopter Parents" has been around since at least 1991, and some etymologist suggest 1985. Meaning this, we have been helicoptering children since the late 1970's long, long before cell phones, internet, etc. The advent of the technology has merely turbo charged what Carlin believed was already a disturbing human development.
9
This is the story -- and practice -- of my life right now. And came at just the right time. Thanks for this pat on the back. I never thought of the word heroism, but I'll take it. Thank you.
6
Amen to that Rachel.
Probably the worst thing a parent can do is to view the relationship with their children from their own selfish perspective. That will eventually drive the child away from the relationship. The parent should realize that the child will grow into an adult who is no longer a young child who is dependent for all his needs on the parent. The kids will be someday be grown and gone so get used to it.
11
I think Brooks is offering a way to think about relationships, personal responsibility and communication that applies to all aspects of life, including political life.
1
In a traditional newspaper, Brooks recent articles on character, spritualism, communicating, and pop sociology would not be considered 'editorials'. This writing should be relegated to a 'Lifestyle' or 'Style' section. It is getting very close to a well educated, but windy, 'Dear Abby' style. I think that Brooks may be spending too much time reflecting on what to convey to undergrads if given the chance. Socrates enjoyed hanging out with the youth. Maybe it is time to make a career change?
20
SEPARATE AND INDIVIDUAL
David Brooks's engaging article about "Leaving and Cleaving" addresses the lifelong process we all depend upon to make us human. The balance between sharing and togetherness versus individualism and solo endeavors is what we all do to navigate through our lives. Everywhere. Congressional gridlock is a clear example of the benefits of sharing and the problems with legislating by means of individualism. I think that in Congress there is too much leaving and not enough cleaving. In our culture, there is a disturbing trend of balkanization, where there is a powerful emphasis on individual activities versus group interactions, all given an overwhelming boost by electronic media. Gone is the nation's hearth--long gone--where we joined together and used the nightly news as a reference point for our views. Now the media are splintered--filtered through a plethora of ipods, smart phones, tablets and laptops. For that reason, it appears to be natural that each person would seek to form her or his own universe, others distinctly uninvited from participating in it. My nephew, David Bee, has a video on YouTube, "Play Again" showing how kids addicted to electronic media come together in a wilderness quest sort of adventure. One of the kids said that he preferred electronic war games to war games with real people, because the electronic games were much more predictable and controllable. We must seek to balance splintered activities with group sharing.
David Brooks's engaging article about "Leaving and Cleaving" addresses the lifelong process we all depend upon to make us human. The balance between sharing and togetherness versus individualism and solo endeavors is what we all do to navigate through our lives. Everywhere. Congressional gridlock is a clear example of the benefits of sharing and the problems with legislating by means of individualism. I think that in Congress there is too much leaving and not enough cleaving. In our culture, there is a disturbing trend of balkanization, where there is a powerful emphasis on individual activities versus group interactions, all given an overwhelming boost by electronic media. Gone is the nation's hearth--long gone--where we joined together and used the nightly news as a reference point for our views. Now the media are splintered--filtered through a plethora of ipods, smart phones, tablets and laptops. For that reason, it appears to be natural that each person would seek to form her or his own universe, others distinctly uninvited from participating in it. My nephew, David Bee, has a video on YouTube, "Play Again" showing how kids addicted to electronic media come together in a wilderness quest sort of adventure. One of the kids said that he preferred electronic war games to war games with real people, because the electronic games were much more predictable and controllable. We must seek to balance splintered activities with group sharing.
This seems like a very personal column - I felt like I was eavesdropping on a there therapy session. Not sure if Mr Brooks is the leaver or leavee - but I hope he works it out.
12
... and not by being 'vindictive'.
"The person being left has to grant the leaver the dignity of her own mind, has to respect her ability to make her own choices about how to live and whom to be close to (except in the most highly unusual circumstances)."
Garbage. The person being left behind deserves to be respected and treated with integrity. Silence or scaling down of e-contact is neither. It is cowardly, selfish, and insulting to the person you were once intimate with. The person being left behind deserves to be *told* (and not by text or email) that the other party is moving on, deserves an explanation, and deserves to be treated like an adult.
Simply ignoring the person being left behind treats them like garbage you no longer want to deal with. It is an immature and pathetic way to proceed. I know. I've experienced it.
Garbage. The person being left behind deserves to be respected and treated with integrity. Silence or scaling down of e-contact is neither. It is cowardly, selfish, and insulting to the person you were once intimate with. The person being left behind deserves to be *told* (and not by text or email) that the other party is moving on, deserves an explanation, and deserves to be treated like an adult.
Simply ignoring the person being left behind treats them like garbage you no longer want to deal with. It is an immature and pathetic way to proceed. I know. I've experienced it.
42
Gfagan, thank you for this. I have a dear friend now struggling with being dumped without explanation by a boyfriend to whom I am forwarding your commentary.
Someone did the same to me a few years ago. Bottom line is that you don't want anyone in your life who would treat you so disrespectfully. (It took a few years, but I moved on to someone of more substance. Hope you did, too... :)
Someone did the same to me a few years ago. Bottom line is that you don't want anyone in your life who would treat you so disrespectfully. (It took a few years, but I moved on to someone of more substance. Hope you did, too... :)
6
May I recommend "How to get over that Ex." by Howard Alford, NYTimes, Sept. 5, 2014. Do not call, do not email that person's home. Looking at photos will make you nostalgic. I have found two things helpful: consider the time that looking back takes away from current loved ones and consider reciprocity. If the other person returns your email with a paragraph once a week (for us older people), then that is a guideline. My adult children with hand held devices give brief text messages. Ironically, in this age of technology, my communication with them is therefore also brief. However, they are out doing their thing and I am proud of their independence.
6
Perusiing the comments of some of my left leaning fellow readers leaves me feeling dispirited. There is plenty to argue with Brooks about and God knows he's no slouch when it comes to fueling that fire, but sometimes, to paraphrase a wiser man than me, a heartfelt column about life and loss is just a heartfelt column about life and loss. As a middle aged man facing the imminent departure of a college bound child I too am struggling to adjust. Furthermore, I, like most, have been on both sides of the divide Brooks describes: the leaver and the left-behind. It's tough and frankly it is some comfort to recognize that I'm not alone in my dismay and disorientation, so thanks for the column, David. The best advice I ever received for dealing with being left behind is as follows: don't fight for the relationship; let it go and see what happens. In my case, some of those friendships have returned in new and even more interesting ways. Some were sadly lost, but others rose up in their wake. Losing people, like time and life itself, is so difficult, but grasping after any of it only insures that the pain will be unbearable and unending.
43
Glen, I have seen two leave for college and another will before long, and please know that it is not at all breaking the bond! It is not like a break-up, a love lost, a death...
You won't see the tossled sleepy-head in the morning, or be picking up stray socks, but you are forever tethered, and cellphones/internet/skype will keep you in much better touch than parents and kids in college could a generation ago.
You won't see the tossled sleepy-head in the morning, or be picking up stray socks, but you are forever tethered, and cellphones/internet/skype will keep you in much better touch than parents and kids in college could a generation ago.
6
At least your kids *can* leave. All over the country there are aging parents who have no place to put their handicapped adult children - and the 'normal ones', the other children in those families, who may well wind up chained to their siblings. The rest of you don't notice us .... or if you do, you notice us only to be glad you aren't us. Sometimes you glare at us in the supermarket, or your kids throw snowballs at our kids or siblings and call names. Otherwise, we are not on your radar, as if our problem were 'catching' and to acknowledge us would somehow invite the evil fairy to visit you. But trust me, a great many of us would love to have the opportunity to say goodbye.
Does this article foreshadow another round of downsizing at the Times? I do wish the journey's of a number of op-ed columnists who dapple in analyzing the internal states of humans would leave these types of analysis to experts in the field. What these experts would say, is that they know very little about the kinds of thinking and behavior described in this article and certainly do not know enough about the human mind to offer advice on how to "leave and cleave."
8
The idea of self-restraint and dignity in human relations as forms of heroism lies at the heart of this essay. The essay is very carefully considered and written, and worthy of reflection; there is much wisdom here. The technologies of instant communication have complicated our lives in ways that we could never have imagined. and the challenge to treat ourselves and others with restraint and generosity has never been harder to meet.
85
Very thoughtfully written, wasn't it?
David Brooks may know people who stalk and harass ex-lovers, friends, mentors. I don't. And, I haven't heard those issues discussed among my friends.
If he thinks about it, Brooks will drop the "We all know...." formula. It is, at best, a lazy rationalization for this column.
If he thinks about it, Brooks will drop the "We all know...." formula. It is, at best, a lazy rationalization for this column.
85
"We all know" is what David Brooks takes for critical reasoning.
2
We readers who have followed the NYT editorialists for some time have formed a kind of relationship with them too -- the comments section shows our own attempts at dialogue (which by its very nature goes pretty much unanswered -- a strange but yet irresistible relationship). We see these columnists evolve in how they strike the balance of revealing themselves in their own very vulnerable business of communicating their thoughts.
Mr. Blow, one of my favorites, has been at times almost brutally honest and self-revealing, which has been part of the urgency and effectiveness of his communication. Readers react in various ways, which I think confirms that very honesty. Others such as the esteemed Mr. Bruni do likewise. Ms. Collins is always a joy, and our digital relationship with her feels close and familiar through her humor and yet maintains cordial and appropriate boundaries.
Mr. Brooks is a thoughtful man, and it shows in his forays into more personal and interpersonal topics. Perhaps by his very nature as a thoughtful man, he remains opaque where others have taken risks of self-revelation -- which leaves many, after columns like these, puzzled as to why he writes them. The same kind of opacity hovers over other conservative columnists such as Mr. Douthat and Ms. Dowd. Their message requires that their motives be veiled, and they keep their distance from our responses.
In any case, I hope this column gets forwarded to Chris Christie as fewer people return his calls.
Mr. Blow, one of my favorites, has been at times almost brutally honest and self-revealing, which has been part of the urgency and effectiveness of his communication. Readers react in various ways, which I think confirms that very honesty. Others such as the esteemed Mr. Bruni do likewise. Ms. Collins is always a joy, and our digital relationship with her feels close and familiar through her humor and yet maintains cordial and appropriate boundaries.
Mr. Brooks is a thoughtful man, and it shows in his forays into more personal and interpersonal topics. Perhaps by his very nature as a thoughtful man, he remains opaque where others have taken risks of self-revelation -- which leaves many, after columns like these, puzzled as to why he writes them. The same kind of opacity hovers over other conservative columnists such as Mr. Douthat and Ms. Dowd. Their message requires that their motives be veiled, and they keep their distance from our responses.
In any case, I hope this column gets forwarded to Chris Christie as fewer people return his calls.
18
"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is a misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood."
Henry David Thoreau
Henry David Thoreau
14
This column has the freshness that comes from NOT writing about the political scene, which is repetitive and often banal.
Understanding relationships - both digital and real-life - is always a challenge. And, compared to understanding politics, more important in our day-to-day existence.
Good on you, Mr. Brooks, for shifting the focus.
Understanding relationships - both digital and real-life - is always a challenge. And, compared to understanding politics, more important in our day-to-day existence.
Good on you, Mr. Brooks, for shifting the focus.
21
I enjoyed this calm and wise column, offering advice for the modern age. "Letting go" has certainly changed over the years, but emotionally it remains as challenging as always. I look forward to sending this insightful column to my somewhat-grown children.
8
This essay is a topic that really needs to be discussed at more length, because although pretty much every kind of relationship now, at every degree of intimacy, is conducted online (with all its attendant problems and perils as well as its advantages), Mr Brooks is conflating all the different kinds of relationships. Leaving a lover is not the same as leaving a parent, or a friend, or a group of friends or acquaintances.
I've been both the dumper and dumpee, and I have observed that really, the only answer is for the dumper not to let him/herself get snared - to let the phone calls go to VM, to delete the emails unopened, to toss snail mail directly into the recycling bin, and, where possible, to let geographic distance send the message.
For the dumpee: Give it up as soon as you smell rejection. Just remind yourself that no one can hurt your feelings unless you care about their opinion; if it is simply a matter of outgrowing each other.
Both: Once you've said goodbye, remind yourself that you should no more revisit this relationship than you should go back to your Kindergarten classroom and sit in your tiny chair. And if you do yield to temptation to try to 'win' or 'fix it' or otherwise screw up, just admit your mistake, decide not to make it again, and keep walking away. Going back only makes it worse. As the saying goes, do not wrestle with the pig; you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
I've been both the dumper and dumpee, and I have observed that really, the only answer is for the dumper not to let him/herself get snared - to let the phone calls go to VM, to delete the emails unopened, to toss snail mail directly into the recycling bin, and, where possible, to let geographic distance send the message.
For the dumpee: Give it up as soon as you smell rejection. Just remind yourself that no one can hurt your feelings unless you care about their opinion; if it is simply a matter of outgrowing each other.
Both: Once you've said goodbye, remind yourself that you should no more revisit this relationship than you should go back to your Kindergarten classroom and sit in your tiny chair. And if you do yield to temptation to try to 'win' or 'fix it' or otherwise screw up, just admit your mistake, decide not to make it again, and keep walking away. Going back only makes it worse. As the saying goes, do not wrestle with the pig; you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
21
You've got it right once again.
When I was young, I was left behind in a relationship -- the girl moved to New York. I wrote letters -- nice letters -- only to find out a year or two later that her mother was reading them because she gave them to her mother.
I found out because I called, and her mother answered. She told me that I was an excellent writer, and a romantic at heart. I was flattered. Then again it was somewhat embarrassing. Maybe the latter is what woke me up.
Many years later I got a call from my flame -- very nice conversation. At the end, she said: my life has "complications." I understood the bottom line. To this day, I like the word 'complications,' as a complete and succinct answer.
I use it quite often.
When I was young, I was left behind in a relationship -- the girl moved to New York. I wrote letters -- nice letters -- only to find out a year or two later that her mother was reading them because she gave them to her mother.
I found out because I called, and her mother answered. She told me that I was an excellent writer, and a romantic at heart. I was flattered. Then again it was somewhat embarrassing. Maybe the latter is what woke me up.
Many years later I got a call from my flame -- very nice conversation. At the end, she said: my life has "complications." I understood the bottom line. To this day, I like the word 'complications,' as a complete and succinct answer.
I use it quite often.
5
I suspect that the bulk of interpersonal communication via the internet ranges from the trivial to the inane.So I am astonished that Brooks legitimates cyberspace as an appropriate vehicle for conveying nuances about the feelings and relationships between the parent and child
5
It looks like both Brooks and Dowd have decided the political world they were hired to write about as become too trivial or too baffling to deal with.
78
"A man's got to know his limitations." - C. Eastwood.
Goes for women as well.
Goes for women as well.
1
I don't known what kind of parent Mr. Brooks is, but his comments on parenting are a little silly: "But if parents lay down sacrificially..." and, "So today a new kind of heroism is required..." Before and after I became a parent, I knew that my main goal, in a span of about 18 years each, was to teach my children to become independent, compassionate, contributing adults. After that it was mostly out of my hands, hopefully I did a good job of it, and my life would go on independent of theirs as it had before they were born. There was nothing sacrificial or heroic about it. Parenting was a job I gladly took on and I think accomplished fairly well. A labor of love. The love continues, we talk and visit, but not daily or even weekly. I will always be their parent, but the parenting work is done and they are separate from me, living their own lives, as it should be.
171
We actually have less than 18 years. By age 14 their attitude toward things is set and we have been replaced by their peers.
Well good for you, but you can't deny that what Mr. Brooks describes is much more usual than is healthy. I would assume Mr. Brooks didn't put the essay out there for you.
Considering how poor a job many do, if what you've described is true, you have done a heroic job parenting. And giving 18 years of your life to a child is nothing if not sacrificial. Humility is a worthy characteristic, but Brooks hits the nail on the head here.
1
That a person would use a newspaper op-ed column to communicate with a loved one is indicative of a relationship issue, I would think. Maybe David thinks it's the height of romance and a demonstration of devotion; some of us would settle for someone who occasionally took out the trash.
38
Wow, that is so unlikely of you to make such an under the belt personal attack unless you know Mr Brooks personally. His background is sociology and he writes about sociology, society and social changes a lot. Maybe his style is not everyone's cup of tea but this seems to cross a personal line
11
Bos,
I can't mirror back something that wasn't in the original.
I can't mirror back something that wasn't in the original.
2
When I read one of Brook's introspective articles, I wonder if he has cancer or is getting a divorce. Too personal.
28
When I read these kind of columns in one of the most important papers in the world in the most turbulent time in the world, I think, I really miss William Safire.
200
David: I can't believe you used your column to end our friendship. Please read the text I just sent you.
334
haha,,,can't tell if this is real or a joke....if it's a joke...funny....
6
I like Brooks; though much more conservative than I, I find him thoughtful and well spoken. I like hearing the 'other sides' views when well-made. I believe John Stuart Mills 'On Liberty' says as much.
Yes, life is change and today's tech world is much different than the letters of our forefathers and mothers. But, not that much different. If some are too clingy, or aloof, or mean-spirited, that's part of their current personality. Hopefully we grow and evolve into more wise and deep and connected creatures (we must hope).
I'm in his corner about 'social media', as we've come to call it. When someone says they have 200 'friends', I'm the unbeliever. No one can have that many real friends. Friendships are so central and important and meaningful that mere acquaintances will never measure up. Brooks is right that your closest relations deserve your best; intrinsically, we are good and looking for the goodness around us. I'm not sure if holding back communication is the answer, long-term. Differences will arise, feelings will be hurt, arguments occur, but open communication trumps all. Be yourself, you're wonderful and imperfect and unique. Your mistakes, including in communications, help reveal.
I say communicate with those you care about and new acquaintances that may develop more fully. Forget 'social media'. Talk face-to-face, phone, email, text; but why announce to the world? I guarantee a dozen quality, loving friendships are worth 500 'friends' you'll never see.
Yes, life is change and today's tech world is much different than the letters of our forefathers and mothers. But, not that much different. If some are too clingy, or aloof, or mean-spirited, that's part of their current personality. Hopefully we grow and evolve into more wise and deep and connected creatures (we must hope).
I'm in his corner about 'social media', as we've come to call it. When someone says they have 200 'friends', I'm the unbeliever. No one can have that many real friends. Friendships are so central and important and meaningful that mere acquaintances will never measure up. Brooks is right that your closest relations deserve your best; intrinsically, we are good and looking for the goodness around us. I'm not sure if holding back communication is the answer, long-term. Differences will arise, feelings will be hurt, arguments occur, but open communication trumps all. Be yourself, you're wonderful and imperfect and unique. Your mistakes, including in communications, help reveal.
I say communicate with those you care about and new acquaintances that may develop more fully. Forget 'social media'. Talk face-to-face, phone, email, text; but why announce to the world? I guarantee a dozen quality, loving friendships are worth 500 'friends' you'll never see.
111
Having lived from party lines through to my relatively instantaneous fiber optic connection from snail mail to twitter, the old adage of act in haste repent in leisure has never been more apt. Even for more mundane communications like email, I have taken to writing something in draft and sitting on it for a day before sending. It has saved a ton of backtracking and explaining.
12
Not sure, Mr Brooks. Relationship is such a puzzling thing even without the cultural and technological adds-on. It is always a mystery to me. And even before the popularity of email and its subsequent instant communication replacements, I have always allowed people to leave if that is their choice. Maybe I am just a romantic believing if you love someone you should set them free. And it saddens me greatly the latest trend of murder-suicide, which is in effect a declaration of possession. No one should possess another! But I digress.
But I don't think all people are driven by the same emotional engine. For example, I read Ann Patchett's moving tribute to her late father op-ed piece on NYT yesterday. It was a long good-bye. All those monthly cross-country trips were no fun. Yet to her face-time is the ultimate declaration of love. So beyond motives and impulses, even behaviors vary.
That said, I do think your attempt to tackle this interior topic is worthwhile, even if people don't agree, this allows them to think and reflect their lives and theirs intersect with others'. A profound and worthwhile subject
But I don't think all people are driven by the same emotional engine. For example, I read Ann Patchett's moving tribute to her late father op-ed piece on NYT yesterday. It was a long good-bye. All those monthly cross-country trips were no fun. Yet to her face-time is the ultimate declaration of love. So beyond motives and impulses, even behaviors vary.
That said, I do think your attempt to tackle this interior topic is worthwhile, even if people don't agree, this allows them to think and reflect their lives and theirs intersect with others'. A profound and worthwhile subject
11
In the good old days when we had one phone company (AT&T for those too young to know this fact) one of their ads read "Talk is cheap." By this they intended to convey the meaning that their rates were not all that high thereby inducing us to make more phone calls.
These days with the advent of multiple ways via which we can be connected, talk has indeed become cheap. Not just in the monetary cost but also in the social cost. People use text messages to irritate others. Yet others use social media to flame people who they do not even know. Sadly, this hyper-connectivity has indeed made talk very very cheap.
These days with the advent of multiple ways via which we can be connected, talk has indeed become cheap. Not just in the monetary cost but also in the social cost. People use text messages to irritate others. Yet others use social media to flame people who they do not even know. Sadly, this hyper-connectivity has indeed made talk very very cheap.
73
The thought that should come before we say that rude, hurtful remark online has ceased. People have used the instant gratification that email, IM, or social media offers to say things they might not say if they considered the implications for longer than it takes to type out the remark. The rule I've tried to follow in email and Facebook is not to write anything I wouldn't want to say to another person or have said to me. It can be nice to vent at another person online. However, it can close off the possibility of useful communication at a later date. It can also lead to trouble later on if you have used racial epithets, curse words, threats, and so on.
People did, at one time, think before they acted and spoke. Today it seems as if there is no interval between thinking of something extremely rude and doing or saying it. Offending is easy. Being tactful is not. Even harder is restraint.
People did, at one time, think before they acted and spoke. Today it seems as if there is no interval between thinking of something extremely rude and doing or saying it. Offending is easy. Being tactful is not. Even harder is restraint.
1
Maybe this is his last column and he just couldn't bring himself to tell us he's leaving?
183
I think you're right. He is using the pronoun "she" to keep us off guard.
5
William Bridges in his book Transitions offers a very instructive model to guide transitions in relationships and geographies, dividing transitions into three stages: endings, the neutral zone, and new beginnings. Celebrate what's ending, clarify the new behaviors to begin, and manage the transition (neutral zone) between the two. Too often individuals just act on their own without having conversation with each other about what new communication habits they want to create.
1
Interesting how Mr Brooks assumes "silence", "void" and being apart is painful. This I quite understandable in our hyperconnected world yet it belies a distortion. Silence is our Nature, and graces us every night in deep sleep. It restores and calms... it is vast and loving.
But this kinetic world a"void"s it and suffers needlessly.
But this kinetic world a"void"s it and suffers needlessly.
105
I teach writing in Arizona. A few weeks ago I taught a workshop at the Desert Nights, Rising Stars writing conference. The workshop was titled Deep Writing in a Crazy Busy World. We began by sitting in silence doing nothing for ten minutes. I watched people jitter nervously, but a few sat quietly. After the quiet time was up, my students wrote for fifteen minutes from this prompt: In the stillness, I find... People read and their words were about feeling afraid, feeling grateful for the quiet, realizing that they spent day after day without even ten minutes of silence.
1
You misunderstand....
The silence in a cleavage indicates rejection.
Do you know anyone who likes rejection?
The silence in a cleavage indicates rejection.
Do you know anyone who likes rejection?
Huh? Since when is surviving a breakup "heroism". I wish David Brooks would write about real situations instead of these abstract pieces - is the breakup w/ his wife or a child or whomever? Then he could say something real and we could evaluate whether his theory worthwhile or not.
32
A problem as old as the hills. "Breaking up is so very hard to do" is a sixties song. Here we are in the 2nd decade of the aughts and it is the subject of a David Brooks piece. Guess he had nothing in the inventory. Isn't the wrath of the jilted lover the subject of several Greek plays, multiple Shakespeare plays, a gaggle of movies and romance novels? Or was it that since I went to a state school instead of Yale I missed something? No it is still pretty much the same, just not exactly the same, and this distinction is the difference for a wag like Brooks.
8
There's been so much in the news that it's been awhile since David's been able to afford the luxury of offering us one of his "confections". I was beginning to feel that he'd entered another life-phase, that he was not-so-gently essaying a leave-taking so as to be freer to "stalk ex-lovers online". By the way, I know NOBODY who stalks ex-lovers online. Perhaps I'm just living a stunted existence.
But this column was a welcome return to the days when you could reliably open a newspaper to the syndicated advice maven Ann Landers, who would counsel people not to throw rice at just-married couples exiting the nuptials, as birds could consume the grains and explode (not true, but entertaining).
Whether or not parents over-cleave to their children up to college, it's quite normal to transform, not merely re-boot, their relationships in adulthood.
Am I the only reader here who gets the impression that David has recently undertaken a painful leave-taking and wished that that the victim would get with the program by just ... going away?
It's astonishing the degree to which those of us approaching old fogie status reveal ourselves to be just as emotionally entertaining as sad specimens half our age or younger. You'd think catabolism would eventually impart SOME intellectual and emotional gravitas ... or why bother with it?
But this column was a welcome return to the days when you could reliably open a newspaper to the syndicated advice maven Ann Landers, who would counsel people not to throw rice at just-married couples exiting the nuptials, as birds could consume the grains and explode (not true, but entertaining).
Whether or not parents over-cleave to their children up to college, it's quite normal to transform, not merely re-boot, their relationships in adulthood.
Am I the only reader here who gets the impression that David has recently undertaken a painful leave-taking and wished that that the victim would get with the program by just ... going away?
It's astonishing the degree to which those of us approaching old fogie status reveal ourselves to be just as emotionally entertaining as sad specimens half our age or younger. You'd think catabolism would eventually impart SOME intellectual and emotional gravitas ... or why bother with it?
25
'But this column was a welcome return to the days when you could reliably open a newspaper to the syndicated advice maven Ann Landers ... '
You still can - not specifically Ann Landers. But if you subscribe to more than one paper - surely you do not depend on the NYT for ALL your news, that would be indeed a stunted existence, as I'm sure the Timesmen/women themselves would agree - you can. The other daily I read has a different selection of news, including New Jersey news which the NYT does not cover in any meaningful sense, a different selection of op-eds, a different editorial voice, not to mention two agony columns and colour funnies weekdays AND Sundays.
BTW I'd rather they went back to throwing rice, as the popular alternatives - balloon releases, releases of captive-raised birds and butterflies - are much worse (the birds become prey, the butterflies die quickly, the balloons become polluting debris ingested by animals who then die from intestinal blockage).
You still can - not specifically Ann Landers. But if you subscribe to more than one paper - surely you do not depend on the NYT for ALL your news, that would be indeed a stunted existence, as I'm sure the Timesmen/women themselves would agree - you can. The other daily I read has a different selection of news, including New Jersey news which the NYT does not cover in any meaningful sense, a different selection of op-eds, a different editorial voice, not to mention two agony columns and colour funnies weekdays AND Sundays.
BTW I'd rather they went back to throwing rice, as the popular alternatives - balloon releases, releases of captive-raised birds and butterflies - are much worse (the birds become prey, the butterflies die quickly, the balloons become polluting debris ingested by animals who then die from intestinal blockage).
Mr Brooks, you have forgotten the larger picture of our society. "Restraint" cannot be singularly practiced in relationship breakups/partings. It stems from the very nature of our digital society. We have zero tolerance to anything against our values or liking. For every small issue we protest in every possible way. Correct our society and you will see that restraint is back in breakups as well.
6
THE FILM "BOYHOOD" AND THE EVOLUTION IN THE STAGES OF LIFE . . .
...as they seem to flow in a seemingly silent and smooth manner ... and yet it is only some time has past that we realize that each period becomes discrete
and yet meant so much more than we perceived them when we experienced them.
Childhood seems to go by and it is only years later that we remember or misremember how important its events were.
College is consumed by exams, papers... And, we most often discount the brief affairs that seemed to mean little as we await that glowing day when we were finally graduated.
But, now we become cognizant of the girl we left behind... Which we will never see again. But, now these meaningless flings... If only we could be with them once more ... even for a day. But, behind they will stay forever.
I was graduated in 1964 -- but worked at the same college until 1973. In 1990, a woman had to stop by there and asked me if I wanted to accompany her. I did and so surprised when I walked through all the old haunts: the actual classroom where I dated two of the girls in the 1960s.
I never expected my enormous outpouring of unrestrained emotion. Every five or so years, the college mails me a book which contains the names, phone numbers, addresses of all alumni. I would love to contact them.
Via phone, email or writing (helped by the new technologies) I realize that was past forever and I can't go home again.
Then, the end.
...as they seem to flow in a seemingly silent and smooth manner ... and yet it is only some time has past that we realize that each period becomes discrete
and yet meant so much more than we perceived them when we experienced them.
Childhood seems to go by and it is only years later that we remember or misremember how important its events were.
College is consumed by exams, papers... And, we most often discount the brief affairs that seemed to mean little as we await that glowing day when we were finally graduated.
But, now we become cognizant of the girl we left behind... Which we will never see again. But, now these meaningless flings... If only we could be with them once more ... even for a day. But, behind they will stay forever.
I was graduated in 1964 -- but worked at the same college until 1973. In 1990, a woman had to stop by there and asked me if I wanted to accompany her. I did and so surprised when I walked through all the old haunts: the actual classroom where I dated two of the girls in the 1960s.
I never expected my enormous outpouring of unrestrained emotion. Every five or so years, the college mails me a book which contains the names, phone numbers, addresses of all alumni. I would love to contact them.
Via phone, email or writing (helped by the new technologies) I realize that was past forever and I can't go home again.
Then, the end.
18
Very insightful commentary. This hits home and well describes a modern day phenomenon. I think those of us raised in an earlier time when distance was the determining factor see the contrast more clearly.
8
As we used to say in the Army, “Sounds like a personal problem.”
162
There is nothing more frightening than the anger of a narcissist who has been left. Don't you get it? they seem to say. You are here to serve MY needs!
A major factor in these situations often involves the need to feel like a victim. Sure, it is human to have hurt feelings, but whether friend, lover or yes, parent, what is sorely lacking in most of these cases is empathy__sometimes on both sides. Excellent column, Mr Brooks.
www.newyorkgritty.net
A major factor in these situations often involves the need to feel like a victim. Sure, it is human to have hurt feelings, but whether friend, lover or yes, parent, what is sorely lacking in most of these cases is empathy__sometimes on both sides. Excellent column, Mr Brooks.
www.newyorkgritty.net
23
Mr. Brooks, I've read your column twice trying to make some sense of why you wrote it and for what purpose it is supposed to be to readers.
Having lived in the era where letters were the only way to contact those who were not with/around me (we didn't have a telephone in our home) I can't help but be always delighted to have all these new gadgets at hand to contact others.
Losing/leaving friendships, separating oneself from family members, stopping contact with people that have been outgrown or where one has changed towards the other is always hard on one or the other for the most part. But there is another leaving that can break the heart, and that is the one where the contact has been broken for whatever reason leaving one or the other wondering why and then death intervenes.
As I near the end of my life cycle, I find there is more leaving than I want and so I cleave as tightly as possible to what I have and hope that others will do the same for me.
Having lived in the era where letters were the only way to contact those who were not with/around me (we didn't have a telephone in our home) I can't help but be always delighted to have all these new gadgets at hand to contact others.
Losing/leaving friendships, separating oneself from family members, stopping contact with people that have been outgrown or where one has changed towards the other is always hard on one or the other for the most part. But there is another leaving that can break the heart, and that is the one where the contact has been broken for whatever reason leaving one or the other wondering why and then death intervenes.
As I near the end of my life cycle, I find there is more leaving than I want and so I cleave as tightly as possible to what I have and hope that others will do the same for me.
57
Such behavior, not responding, is classically passive aggressive, if in a close relationship, peer to peer (and not parent child). To act in respect to another means to be truthful and remember to treat others as you wish to be treated. However, if you are discussing parent-child or lover-lover relationships - ah a different matter.
4
Most of my friends are far away now and the very best friend I ever had in my adult life is in the grip of the Alzheimer's. He was the guy who taught me about restaurants, museums, theaters and music and always laughed at my jokes. This good dog and I carry on, but there's a big hole there and I wish he was here right now to tell me about something.
91
Texting, emails, cell phones, and social media sites enable us to be closer and to be more communicative than ever before. It has added to our lives, not detracted. But if someone prefers silence, so be it. Silence is golden.
Perhaps it's time for Brooks to exercise some self restraint and to self quiet for a while.
Perhaps it's time for Brooks to exercise some self restraint and to self quiet for a while.
35
"The parents don’t create a space where the child can establish independence. "They don’t create a context in which the child can be honest about what’s actually happening in his life. The child is forced to deceive in order to both lead a semi-independent life and also maintain parental love."
This is actually a really apt analysis as to why many children do not transition into a healthy adult relationship with their parents (even when there is no glaring or obvious dysfunction to point to).
This is actually a really apt analysis as to why many children do not transition into a healthy adult relationship with their parents (even when there is no glaring or obvious dysfunction to point to).
23
Good luck with whatever you're going through, Mr. Brooks.
The older I get, the more I think that a good way of handling many issues--relationship and otherwise--is to give them time and space. So that I have time to think through what I really want, how I really want to respond. To be my best, true self (as you say). And to see how the issue itself pans out.
Self-restraint is a trait well applied. Thanks for your thoughts.
The older I get, the more I think that a good way of handling many issues--relationship and otherwise--is to give them time and space. So that I have time to think through what I really want, how I really want to respond. To be my best, true self (as you say). And to see how the issue itself pans out.
Self-restraint is a trait well applied. Thanks for your thoughts.
18
Leaving has always been defined by distance. It's amazing how far apart two people can be and still be in the same room. Cell phones and texts and Facebook provide an illusion of closeness, but they merely rub our noses in the fact that this emotional distance can't be breached.
Language is the problem. These breakups were less protracted when our species hadn't yet evolved the ability to explain ourselves, or plead or beg. Body language said it all: a cold shoulder, averted eyes, the refusal to share a banana today that yesterday would have been shared. But over the eons we evolved language, and ten minuets after that we learned how to lie. In order to spare each others' feelings we evolved the ability to drag things out and make each other feel much worse for much longer.
It's ironic that giving people some distance is the best way to bring them closer. All the great philosophers and poets have wrestled with this fact of human nature. But the sentiment was best expressed by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks when they asked the musical question, "How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?"
Language is the problem. These breakups were less protracted when our species hadn't yet evolved the ability to explain ourselves, or plead or beg. Body language said it all: a cold shoulder, averted eyes, the refusal to share a banana today that yesterday would have been shared. But over the eons we evolved language, and ten minuets after that we learned how to lie. In order to spare each others' feelings we evolved the ability to drag things out and make each other feel much worse for much longer.
It's ironic that giving people some distance is the best way to bring them closer. All the great philosophers and poets have wrestled with this fact of human nature. But the sentiment was best expressed by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks when they asked the musical question, "How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?"
116
Ah, yes, the Hot LIcks, great philosophers of the Boomer generation.
But even in this anodyne bout of scrivening, our Mr. Brooks can't hide his bias. The dumpee in every case was a she. In the conservative white male world, one supposes t'will ever be thus. Perhaps David Brooks needs to get out more.
But even in this anodyne bout of scrivening, our Mr. Brooks can't hide his bias. The dumpee in every case was a she. In the conservative white male world, one supposes t'will ever be thus. Perhaps David Brooks needs to get out more.
11
David, please add, from politician to politician. They all disappoint and if one is to have any faith in the political system, leave taken is a must. With politicians, 'cleaving' is what they do best, after all it is required when you become expert in not being able to tell the truth.
2
How timely. I've been giving serious thought to ending a relationship and wasn't sure how to go about it. Now I see that if I approach it with a "new kind of heroism", self-quieted and self-restrained, I can walk into the future as my "best and highest self".
The other person and I have been on divergent paths of late. As we both grow older, where I see my optimism and youthful idealism fading into a more realistic view of life, the other person has become hopelessly idealistic, frequently offering up sweeping, jumbled, conjectural notions that the ills of the world would all be cured if only everyone were to inhabit his moral utopia.
This doesn't make for a good match. I keep telling myself it's time to move on and I'm glad now to have the recipe for doing so without making the void a deep wound.
Yet sometimes in life, we keep up with people we know don't enrich our lives or challenge our thinking. We keep up with them precisely because they don't; they provide a view of the world that is so out of whack with our own, we have a contrast by which we can affirm the nobility of our own beliefs. That seems to be what's happening with this relationship, and why I have such a hard time letting it go.
To paraphrase Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, "Ah cain't quit you, David Brooks".
The other person and I have been on divergent paths of late. As we both grow older, where I see my optimism and youthful idealism fading into a more realistic view of life, the other person has become hopelessly idealistic, frequently offering up sweeping, jumbled, conjectural notions that the ills of the world would all be cured if only everyone were to inhabit his moral utopia.
This doesn't make for a good match. I keep telling myself it's time to move on and I'm glad now to have the recipe for doing so without making the void a deep wound.
Yet sometimes in life, we keep up with people we know don't enrich our lives or challenge our thinking. We keep up with them precisely because they don't; they provide a view of the world that is so out of whack with our own, we have a contrast by which we can affirm the nobility of our own beliefs. That seems to be what's happening with this relationship, and why I have such a hard time letting it go.
To paraphrase Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, "Ah cain't quit you, David Brooks".
156
Brilliant. Brooks as The Road Not Taken.
5
Don't kid yourself. You've not been in a relationship with David Brooks. You're just a reader, one of many in fact, whose attendance to his column is only meaningful to Brooks as it affects his employment contract.
As Brooks himself wrote on 6 Feb., "It’s too psychologically damaging to read these comments as evaluations of my intelligence, morals or professional skill." And that's his response to the stuff that filters through the NYT comment moderators. David has nothing to learn from you. You're just supposed to read and learn from David.
No, the only relationship Brooks' readers and commenters have is with each other. Some of those are good relationships, others not so much. But I read the contributions of many commenters to Brooks' columns as from friends, who take upon themselves the responsibility to look out for the rest of us readers of Brooks' columns, commenters and non-commenters alike. I try to do the same.
I'm sure we're motivated initially by our own takes on Mr. Brooks' musings. But in the end, I also detect a civic sense of responsibility. There are a number of people who comment here regularly, that I've grown to depend on. They certainly help me keep a sense of sanity and reason. It would be a whole lot more difficult to read Brooks on a regular basis without their contributions. Hopefully, some of you might feel the same way about my comments. But I've learned that many relationships, online and off, are asymmetrical. I've learned to live with that.
As Brooks himself wrote on 6 Feb., "It’s too psychologically damaging to read these comments as evaluations of my intelligence, morals or professional skill." And that's his response to the stuff that filters through the NYT comment moderators. David has nothing to learn from you. You're just supposed to read and learn from David.
No, the only relationship Brooks' readers and commenters have is with each other. Some of those are good relationships, others not so much. But I read the contributions of many commenters to Brooks' columns as from friends, who take upon themselves the responsibility to look out for the rest of us readers of Brooks' columns, commenters and non-commenters alike. I try to do the same.
I'm sure we're motivated initially by our own takes on Mr. Brooks' musings. But in the end, I also detect a civic sense of responsibility. There are a number of people who comment here regularly, that I've grown to depend on. They certainly help me keep a sense of sanity and reason. It would be a whole lot more difficult to read Brooks on a regular basis without their contributions. Hopefully, some of you might feel the same way about my comments. But I've learned that many relationships, online and off, are asymmetrical. I've learned to live with that.
135
To put it more forcefully, I would not, could not read Brooks without reader's commentary.
To me, his political columns are aggravating but his personal ones, like this one today, are embarrassing.
To me, his political columns are aggravating but his personal ones, like this one today, are embarrassing.
66
Hmmm... "mysterious" columns like this always have me wondering what personal milestone Mr. Brooks (and his family) is/are currently undergoing...
He seems to be writing these "advice" letters to loved ones, less to the general readership, more as a Father figure, perhaps, to his children, his wife, and those he mentors. And indeed, they always seem self-congratulatory. As if, he is the first one who has ever been there, and thus, has something to teach others on the topic...
Sometimes I wonder with all his "teaching", when does David do his learning? That might make for the more interesting reading material -- less pre-digested, more "real" lessons learned.
He seems to be writing these "advice" letters to loved ones, less to the general readership, more as a Father figure, perhaps, to his children, his wife, and those he mentors. And indeed, they always seem self-congratulatory. As if, he is the first one who has ever been there, and thus, has something to teach others on the topic...
Sometimes I wonder with all his "teaching", when does David do his learning? That might make for the more interesting reading material -- less pre-digested, more "real" lessons learned.
153
I had the same thought. It also occurred to me that David Brooks might have written another book and this is excerpted from it. Because "Bobos in Paradise" was a success, he has tried to write others using the same technique of generalizing, counting on readers to fill in details taken from their own lives. But in this case it didn't work, at least for me. An example is the paragraph that says, "We all know men and women who stalk ex-lovers online; people who bombard a friend with emails even though that friendship has evidently cooled; mentors who resent their former protégés when their emails are no longer instantly returned; people who post faux glam pictures on Instagram so they can 'win the breakup' against their ex." When I read it, I thought, "I don't know anyone like that."
91
"Sometimes I wonder with all his 'teaching,' when does David do his learning? That might make for the more interesting reading material -- less pre-digested, more 'real' lessons learned."
I don't know where or when David may learn. But, as I've pointed out elsewhere, quoting David himself, I know who David does not learn from: His readers.
"It’s too psychologically damaging to read these comments as evaluations of my intelligence, morals or professional skill." - Brooks, "Conflict and Ego," 6 Feb. (Brooks doesn't do irony either, apparently.)
Whether teaching or learning, I've found that I am either responsible for or dependent on reasons to support my own or others' conclusions, and evidence to support my own or others' reasons. Mr. Brooks, and I have always paid particular attention to this, doesn't do evidence (My evidence: This Brooks piece, for example.). Brooks simply assumes his readers will supply the evidence. That in their hearts, they will "know" that Brooks is right.
(Wait a minute. Wasn't there a Republican President who famously campaigned for office under a similar slogan? Didn't his campaign buttons read he's "the One?" Maybe this evidence-free thing is a Republican thing.)
I don't know where or when David may learn. But, as I've pointed out elsewhere, quoting David himself, I know who David does not learn from: His readers.
"It’s too psychologically damaging to read these comments as evaluations of my intelligence, morals or professional skill." - Brooks, "Conflict and Ego," 6 Feb. (Brooks doesn't do irony either, apparently.)
Whether teaching or learning, I've found that I am either responsible for or dependent on reasons to support my own or others' conclusions, and evidence to support my own or others' reasons. Mr. Brooks, and I have always paid particular attention to this, doesn't do evidence (My evidence: This Brooks piece, for example.). Brooks simply assumes his readers will supply the evidence. That in their hearts, they will "know" that Brooks is right.
(Wait a minute. Wasn't there a Republican President who famously campaigned for office under a similar slogan? Didn't his campaign buttons read he's "the One?" Maybe this evidence-free thing is a Republican thing.)
12
@Ellen Berent
"When I read it, I thought, "I don't know anyone like that."
Me neither.
"When I read it, I thought, "I don't know anyone like that."
Me neither.
16
The juxtaposition between a lovers'/friends' end and a parent/child virtual end is interesting, but with some exceptions these are two very different partings or life changes. It's simply easier and a lot more practical for a parent/child relationship to "reboot an adult-to-adult basis" no matter the prior awkwardness or anger and resentment than it is for two former lovers to become friends, sadly enough. Mr. Brooks is absolutely right that self-restraint for many is much harder in this age of communication, but in some ways this benefits us for now we can prove to ourselves that we can either let go or allow someone else to do the same. We really couldn't do that until fairly recently; as the author suggests someone would leave town and we wouldn't really know ourselves because we didn't have the ability to contact them again, even if we desired to do so. Sometimes the greatest love we can show them is the one they will never learn about. One key is to never expect the other person to understand your perspective, even if you may very much hope that is the case.
9
I don't know what prompts you to write columns such as this one.It seems to me that there are more important issues to be discussed in the space you occupy. While some may value this pseudo-psycology I strongly believe it should appear in another section, perhaps the Styles section would be a better fit.
Taken for what it is: advice?....I still don't see the point. Having trouble with modern technology? Suffering from empty nest syndrome?
Whatever the case may be the language is a bit much. :A new kind of heroism",fluid and sweet texts, parents laying down sacrificially, what does any of this actually mean?
I will give you credit for writing a column that is not a book or movie review. I suppose this column is all you. But, I really think you should take your responsibilities a little more seriously.