I'm so happy living my life in my home, with me and my thoughts and activities. Why would I give up control of my life to someone else?
If you liked being controlled at work for 30-40 years by people that profess but don't care, then you might like a 'home' of whatever variety you can afford. Yes, a good home is fine when you need one. Most are vastly expensive and few are really good homes.
If you liked being controlled at work for 30-40 years by people that profess but don't care, then you might like a 'home' of whatever variety you can afford. Yes, a good home is fine when you need one. Most are vastly expensive and few are really good homes.
12
It must be a very fancy nursing home that Bert mentions that provides private bedroom. I had a very dear aunt who greatly enjoyed her independent life at her own home (alone) until various falls and UTIs weakened her so that she needed to enter a nursing home—funded by Medicaid. She share a room with two other women and a bathroom with five others. The food, care, and harsh fluorescent lighting made for prison-like conditions. My own mother enjoys 24/7 Medicaid-funded care in the comfort of her own home, thanks to the extreme financial acrobatics I managed. Medicaid pays much less for at-home care than nursing home care. Please advocate for increased Medicaid funding for at-home 24/7 care in lieu of subsidizing the nursing home conglomerates with taxpayer money.
45
I promised my mother several years ago, that I would never allow her to be put in a home. She currently is still in her condo with caregivers daily, though she is in perfect physical health and suffers only some memory loss. However, the amount of pressure I get from just about everyone to 'put her in a home' is intense - it's as if she's being truant and I neglectful.
A year ago I realized that her doctor was prescribing her 4 Prozac a day and then using the resultant confusion and weakness as evidence of her inability to live on her own. I have not renewed her prescription and, now, with her caregivers' observations supporting my own, her mind is clearer, her memory much improved and the weakness and lightheadedness are a thing of the past. I wonder how many elderly are simply doped into submission?
Last weekend when I visited her, she told me that now she's 91 it's time to plan for the future - she would like to move in with us. I'm all for it, she will live with us and be treated as herself - not patronized by minimum wage workers who couldn't care less about who she is and what she'd capable of. Was is it in these pages that I read about an experiment where the elderly were treated as competent adults - and, strangely, began to act like that.
A year ago I realized that her doctor was prescribing her 4 Prozac a day and then using the resultant confusion and weakness as evidence of her inability to live on her own. I have not renewed her prescription and, now, with her caregivers' observations supporting my own, her mind is clearer, her memory much improved and the weakness and lightheadedness are a thing of the past. I wonder how many elderly are simply doped into submission?
Last weekend when I visited her, she told me that now she's 91 it's time to plan for the future - she would like to move in with us. I'm all for it, she will live with us and be treated as herself - not patronized by minimum wage workers who couldn't care less about who she is and what she'd capable of. Was is it in these pages that I read about an experiment where the elderly were treated as competent adults - and, strangely, began to act like that.
53
i have many, many hideous memories of what my parents endured for years,
from the garbage-food, laying almost upside-down while strapped in a chair
to demented roommates who screamed all night - i could go on for pages -
i'm 72 and starting to feel the multi-faceted curses of aging and although i
take real good care of myself and still get around pretty well, i know what's coming down the road -
and the major wish in my life is that i know WHEN its time and and have the
guts to pull the plug myself - what a sad statement for a 'civilized' society….
david clements portland or.
from the garbage-food, laying almost upside-down while strapped in a chair
to demented roommates who screamed all night - i could go on for pages -
i'm 72 and starting to feel the multi-faceted curses of aging and although i
take real good care of myself and still get around pretty well, i know what's coming down the road -
and the major wish in my life is that i know WHEN its time and and have the
guts to pull the plug myself - what a sad statement for a 'civilized' society….
david clements portland or.
45
My mother spent her two final years in a nursing home. She fought it, preferring to live alone. But it turns out they were the finest years of a 90 y/o, as she enjoyed lots of friends and activity, compensating for the smell of urine.
6
Read Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal". All the rest is noise.
8
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2010, and at first, I hired a private part-time aide to help her out during the week (not cheap), and found out the company was padding the invoices, so I stopped using them. Mom has NY Medicaid, so she qualified for 4 hours of care 5 days a week. I came over as often as I could--I live in NJ and work in Manhattan, she was living in the North Bronx then. After numerous falls and hospitalizations, my husband and I had to may the difficult choice to place her in a nursing home. She has been mentally ill and is indigent, living on Social Security and food stamps, and we could not afford to place her in an assisted living facility. The "cheap" ones start at $5K a month! We placed her in an okay facility in the Bronx--no other facility accepted her--and she was there for 3 1/2 years. She was an actress and singer, so I applied for the Actors Home in NJ and after being waitlisted for 6 months, she was admitted into the Enhanced (Alzheimer's) Unit. It's an excellent facility; they have Broadway entertainers perform, Saturday piano hour with a local lady whose husband used to live there and passed away, and lots of other activities. Mom is content much of the time, but also had bad spells. As other readers have noted, choice is often dictated by economic status. Since my husband and I are not wealthy, we cannot afford to make our home wheelchair-friendly and hire a full time aide--we both work full-time.
14
I get this one constantly from teenage grocery clerks at the checkout ... they, and it's almost always a male, raise their voices so the old guy [67] can hear them. I respond that I have "20-20 hearing", and it flies right over their APP-muddled heads. And if you don't recognize it either, check out "Baby-John" to "Officer Krupke" in West Side Story; my apologies to the former residents of what used to be called "Hell's Kitchen" for mentioning that hated movie.
6
I love living alone. Yes, I do have a cat. She gets me. Yes, I talk to myself, and answer back. Some of the best conversations I've ever had, by the way. After years of schedules wrapped around the schedules of others, I'm becoming acquainted with myself. I like what I see.
The prospect of spending any amount of time in assisted "living" keeps me doing yoga, eating veg, spending a lot of time outdoors, and being around others when I want to be. It's done wonders for my sense of humor and I can truly say I love living. I hope to go out with a bang, not a whimper.
The prospect of spending any amount of time in assisted "living" keeps me doing yoga, eating veg, spending a lot of time outdoors, and being around others when I want to be. It's done wonders for my sense of humor and I can truly say I love living. I hope to go out with a bang, not a whimper.
57
Interesting article. It makes me think we should question our living arrangements at every stage of life. If I could afford it, I might enjoy living on cruise ships. But seriously, I like the idea of field-trips to strip clubs. It might be even better if the strip clubs visited the elderly at the nursing homes. They could, say, visit on Monday afternoons, and Tuesday mornings, and Wednesday about dinner time, etc. That might give some people a reason to look forward to old age.
11
Looking forward to checking out before 65, thanks.
6
You've got to be kidding me. My mother was in a nursing home (one of the so-called "better places") in the Cleveland area, and I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. I still feel guilty for putting her there. (Long back-story, which I won't go into here.) She was an introvert, like me, and the various "peppy" piano-players who would occasionally visit drove her around the bend. I had to tell the right-wing preachers who roamed the halls on Sundays to leave her alone. She had therapists bat balloons at her, which she batted away. "She does that so well!" one of them told me. "Though sometimes she tells me to go to hell." (She had dementia, but resented being treated like a two-year-old.) A group of women residents who sat together at a table in the dining room loudly gossiped about my mom during most meals; I had to constantly remind myself that most of them also had dementia so that I wouldn't walk over and slap them.
When I first moved my mother into that place, I bought long-term care insurance for myself--but I have since dropped it. I'd prefer a bullet to the brain.
When I first moved my mother into that place, I bought long-term care insurance for myself--but I have since dropped it. I'd prefer a bullet to the brain.
71
I don't know whether the shill who wrote this article is being paid by the nursing/ assisted living homes, but it doesn't matter, he has a vested interest in them.
The nightmare of living in one of these places send chills down my spine.
There was an article the other day on how they are worming their way into people's assets. That was bound to happen.
Putting up with other residents, having strangers making decisions on your care, eating the gruel.
I would rather be dead.
The nightmare of living in one of these places send chills down my spine.
There was an article the other day on how they are worming their way into people's assets. That was bound to happen.
Putting up with other residents, having strangers making decisions on your care, eating the gruel.
I would rather be dead.
47
Often, nursing homes are not so great. But the truth is, being elderly and ill, and home alone (even with caregivers) is not always so great either.
30
My parents, 85 and 90, tried to stay in their home too long. Falls, an amputation, and too much space made it impossible for them to stay in a place with stairs, narrow doors and no shower. If they'd moved sooner, they might have avoided some of their problems. They don't like their assisted living facility, mostly for the lack of privacy--somebody is always popping in to give my dad his meds and to make sure neither has fallen. You don't get to pick your friends there, either--you're stuck with the other residents. But I think the worst part of it has nothing to do with a home but just the inevitability that the next step is going to be bad: a nursing home, the hospital or the grave. It just isn't like the other steps in life, full of excitement and anticipation. All that said, it's the best choice in a hard situation.
22
What a self serving,patronizing article! Sounds nice if you have the money and means which many of us don't to pay these "premiums" Also as usual the fate of a "single" without a family or very much money is not discussed. I guess we just have to settle for a subpar state run facility. Either that or take matters into our own hands!
33
My mother was in a lovely, expensive assisted living facility that had many different activities and a staff that was probably better than most. She was absolutely miserable. All she ever wanted to do was go home. Unfortunately, due to her illness, she was in and out of the hospital followed by an extended stays in rehabilitation facilities (I've never seen a rehabilitation facility yet that didn't remind me of the movie The Snake Pit) and then back to assisted living. It was a constant cycle that only ended when she passed away. During this time, I made an effort to bring her to her home one last time and stayed with her for a few weeks before she had to return to assisted living. This was probably the happiest I ever saw her during her illness. She just wanted to live in her own home.
31
I toured the country singing in nursing homes and later worked as an assistant nurse at an assisted living center From my point of view, there was a problem of chronic loneliness. Human beings have a basic need for genuine human contact beyond just being administered medications or given showers. Most of the residents had only very occasional visitors. The happiest residents I met when performing were living in a very poor residence in NYC. I attribute their wonderful emotional state to the visibly tremendous respect and attention they were given by the staff. Whether someone lives at home or in a senior residence or nursing home in their final years, the type of attentiveness they receive is a crucial ingredient to their well-being.
38
Two and a half years ago I gave up the wonderful private home I built for retirement in Michigan's north woods and moved to an independent living facility just over the border in Indiana. I've regretted it since day 2. The company manages the facility for profit -- big profit, since it rewards its CEO with $4 million compensation. Out of greed, they've added "assisted" living residents, some of whom can't find their way home from the dining room and most of whom are depressing to have wandering around. Dining room service is billed as "restaurant style," but no restaurant could survive a week with the quality of service the staff offers. The author of this piece confuses the distinctions among the types of senior living and paints a rosy picture because he's an appreciated visitor. At $32,000 a year, I could have made better arrangements for myself - but that's all beyond me, now. One respondent's remark about not making new friends because they're going to die soon is well taken. On a hallway of 30 apartments, I'm the fifth longest survivor after 30 months.
74
In 6 weeks I will be 82. I am in relatively good health, overweight but reasonably active when the snow isn't 4 feet on the ground as it is right now.
All my memories are in this house. The husband who died over 30 years ago, the children who grew up here with their friends some who, sadly, have died from various causes. The grandchildren and then their children all playing indoor horseshoes downstairs in the basement or doing floor puzzles.
Al the memories are what keeps me going when I feel alone, and then I almost find the house over crowded!
I don't know what the future will bring, but a nursing home is the fear I have, not the dying alone in a house thick with memories.
All my memories are in this house. The husband who died over 30 years ago, the children who grew up here with their friends some who, sadly, have died from various causes. The grandchildren and then their children all playing indoor horseshoes downstairs in the basement or doing floor puzzles.
Al the memories are what keeps me going when I feel alone, and then I almost find the house over crowded!
I don't know what the future will bring, but a nursing home is the fear I have, not the dying alone in a house thick with memories.
79
Gee I hope that technology will eliminate the need for a nursing home for me. Robots and computers can take care of my needs much better than humans every could. Now I am unusual but I bet a lot of folks will like robots that obey over humans that don't.
15
Nursing home are prisons where people are financially bled of their last drop by profiteers. Until society evolves to a point where living arrangements for the old in need of custodial care are putting the needs of the individual first, it will continue to be a contest that the moneymakers are winning.
61
As I write this there are 166 posted comments, so perhaps this astonishing concept has already been suggested: Take care of your bloody self. Before you get Alzheimers, or Parkinsons, or any of the other gradual-decent-into-death maladies, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Good grief. We're all going to die, so why put our dear relatives through hell before we depart? My dear grandmother announced for years that she would NOT end up on a porch in a rocking chair. Her metaphor for old peoples' homes. When she got to the point where that, or living with my parents, was her next option, she took her 'black pills', again, her words, that she'd been saving for the occasion. My only regret was we don't live in a world where death is acceptable. We make the sick and the dying furtive and fearful of taking control of their own demise.
Someone amongst us suggested the article's author was a "shill of the assisted living industry". Amen.
Someone amongst us suggested the article's author was a "shill of the assisted living industry". Amen.
89
Having had experience with a number of relatives in nursing homes, I can only wish that I'd die before coming to that point of having to be in one of these "places". The idea of sitting in a wheelchair with a group of other people in wheelchairs clustered around the nursing station listening to music from before I was born is utterly depressing. The hard truth is most people died from infectious diseases at much younger ages than today.
As far as saving for long term care, that seems like a fools errand. For one thing, many nursing homes expect the family to turn over all of their family member's assets as the price of admission. So if your family member dies in a week, all that money belongs to the corporate entity running the facility.
If all you have is Social Security, you sign that over and Medicaid picks up the rest, and you get a tiny allowance for TV rental and personal hygiene items. Not exactly living large.
As far as saving for long term care, that seems like a fools errand. For one thing, many nursing homes expect the family to turn over all of their family member's assets as the price of admission. So if your family member dies in a week, all that money belongs to the corporate entity running the facility.
If all you have is Social Security, you sign that over and Medicaid picks up the rest, and you get a tiny allowance for TV rental and personal hygiene items. Not exactly living large.
47
Lively article which has created a lively discussion in the comments. As with most everything in life, a small investment of time and energy in researching choices whether it be washing machines, automobiles or alternative living situations pays off.
I support the idea that as each of us ages, we should be able to spend our final years, days, etc. as we choose. The only problem with wanting choices happens when we require others--usually our relatives--to make our choice possible. I love to hear the stories of single adults in their 80's or older-- living alone in large houses they cannot maintain or even arrange for to be maintained--celebrate their "independence". That independence is a gift from neighbors, children, even strangers who drive taxis or are bank tellers or letter carriers. I wonder if all those who comment that they want to die in their "own" homes have taken care to remodel so doorways are wide, toilet facilities are accessible, grab bars are placed where needed and the list goes on and on. Clinging stubbornly to the familiar even when it doesn't meet actual needs is dangerous to oneself and to one's relationships.
Nursing homes with their high costs and institutional reputations are no longer the only choice for those whose needs have outgrown their homes. Researching the possibilities before one requires a change of residence is best for everyone involved. Where we "die" is not nearly as important as where we are able to live until then.
I support the idea that as each of us ages, we should be able to spend our final years, days, etc. as we choose. The only problem with wanting choices happens when we require others--usually our relatives--to make our choice possible. I love to hear the stories of single adults in their 80's or older-- living alone in large houses they cannot maintain or even arrange for to be maintained--celebrate their "independence". That independence is a gift from neighbors, children, even strangers who drive taxis or are bank tellers or letter carriers. I wonder if all those who comment that they want to die in their "own" homes have taken care to remodel so doorways are wide, toilet facilities are accessible, grab bars are placed where needed and the list goes on and on. Clinging stubbornly to the familiar even when it doesn't meet actual needs is dangerous to oneself and to one's relationships.
Nursing homes with their high costs and institutional reputations are no longer the only choice for those whose needs have outgrown their homes. Researching the possibilities before one requires a change of residence is best for everyone involved. Where we "die" is not nearly as important as where we are able to live until then.
59
I'll keep my independence, thank you.
14
The nursing home Mr. Stratton describes sounds nice. My dad had to stay in several different homes while recovering from various operations and infections. Every one of the homes was boring. Fortunately he loved to read and entertained himself that way. If I didn't read the newspaper with him everyday he would have had no human interaction that didn't involve shots or pills. The only entertainment at any of these places was gospel music on Sundays. He hated gospel music. For some reason, this was in Texas, they think old people only want gospel music. Disease and old age aren't killing people in nursing homes. Boredom and neglect are.
47
Various comments, especially the top Readers' Picks, nibble around the edges of a truth about living long-term in a senior community, from independent living to skilled nursing and everything in-between. A serious measure of how happy a resident will be is their ability and inclination to make new friends. There will be, uh, turnover. I learned this hanging around the CCRC where my mother lived for 17 years (the first 7 with my father). One of the reasons she was happy there was because she was used to meeting and getting to know new people. Towards the end most of her new resident friends were appreciably younger than she.
25
For 25 years, my mother endured life in a nursing home. I would often have to rescue her from being badgered by these corny, ham handed musical acts. The place was noisy enough anyway with sirens and bells going off 24/7. The world we live in is now filled to the brim with constant Muzak. Please have mercy on their souls and leave the residents alone.
47
I frequently visited a neighbor who had to go to a nursing home for the few months before her death. The constant noise, even at a low level, would have driven my nuts had I to listen to it all day and into the evening as she did. She also found it hard to adjust to so much going on outside her room or being always encouraged to "join the fun" when all she wanted was to have some quiet.
Not everyone is inclined to want to be part of a group or to have more than a book or a TV program and peace.
Not everyone is inclined to want to be part of a group or to have more than a book or a TV program and peace.
24
Wow! Thanks so much for your comments about someone who attempts to relieve some of the mind numbing boredom in a nursing home or assisted living or independent living facility. I think that the more accurate characterization- as opposed to your's is that they are indeed having mercy on their souls.
2
What world are you in? Do you have ANY idea how different -- WORSE -- many, if not most, nursing homes are from your oh-so-jolly picture? Especially the warehouses run by giant for-profit corporations which are feebly, if at all, regulated and inspected by the governnment.
I suggest you and all readers take a look at Dr. Atul Gowande's new book "Being Mortal". He takes a clear-eyed look at the nursing home industry, including hospice care. If you ever need it, and have no one to go to bat for you, you might regret your ignorance about nursing homes.
Dr. Gowande contrasts the "medical model" of late-term patient care, in which doctors feel obliged to try ANYTHING to prolong life, often resulting in terrible suffering for patient and terrible distress for family.
In contrast, he advocates the "patient-centered" model, in which the individual is lovingly cared for in smaller, less formal settings, by dedicated caregivers who respect the dignity of the individual. The ideal is quality of life rather than length of life; the patient's wishes are honored, rather than -- as in "warehouse" settings -- the patient must conform to the institutional schedule.
I hope things go great for you up to and in Room 105, but wake up and do some research into the real world of nursing home/hospice care.
I suggest you and all readers take a look at Dr. Atul Gowande's new book "Being Mortal". He takes a clear-eyed look at the nursing home industry, including hospice care. If you ever need it, and have no one to go to bat for you, you might regret your ignorance about nursing homes.
Dr. Gowande contrasts the "medical model" of late-term patient care, in which doctors feel obliged to try ANYTHING to prolong life, often resulting in terrible suffering for patient and terrible distress for family.
In contrast, he advocates the "patient-centered" model, in which the individual is lovingly cared for in smaller, less formal settings, by dedicated caregivers who respect the dignity of the individual. The ideal is quality of life rather than length of life; the patient's wishes are honored, rather than -- as in "warehouse" settings -- the patient must conform to the institutional schedule.
I hope things go great for you up to and in Room 105, but wake up and do some research into the real world of nursing home/hospice care.
50
I can agree more. I have read Dr Gowande's book and have recommended it to many people. It is startlingly accurate and so insightful. His observations are wonderful and I only hope that his ideas can be successfully integrated across the country.
7
I am 88. The people I've known who wanted to be at home were unable to sing along. When they didn't need active help they just wanted to be left alone to rest or to read when they were able to do so.
17
Bert, if you make it to nursinig home residence, I hope your experience is as joyous as you seem to believe it will be. Maybe if you've got that long term care insurance plus lots of extra bucks to provide private duty nursing, you'll be okay. Otherwise, rots o' ruck.
24
Thanks. I'll prefer to be at home alone (which I am already), being picked up by friends for lunch, treated to culinary specials by my neighbors, and taken grocery shopping and to medical appointments by my catsitter. And I'll certainly prefer to listen to my Bach, Beethoven, Wagner and Schoenberg CD's to the drivel you put on, not to mention watching my opera DVD's, Netflix et alia.
I "did" 2 months in a nursing home, suffered from inadequate staffing, unsavory meals, no snacks, severely limited TV choice ... never again.
Enjoy catering to the mentally defunct. I'll stay here, with whatever assistance needed or affordable, and go 'with my boots on'.
I "did" 2 months in a nursing home, suffered from inadequate staffing, unsavory meals, no snacks, severely limited TV choice ... never again.
Enjoy catering to the mentally defunct. I'll stay here, with whatever assistance needed or affordable, and go 'with my boots on'.
50
I wish my mother had stayed at home with me. We both thought she would be better off in a nursing home where she would get more companionship with people her own age. Instead, she was one of the only ones with a good, working mind at the communal dinners. They kept her in a wheelchair, so she lost most of her muscle tone within about a week while supposedly doing rehab. She told me of her battles to have someone take her to the restroom which no one wanted to do. Since she spoke up for herself she was put on doses of anti anxiety medication wherein she became as zombie like as the others within two weeks and within one month of entering the nursing home she had passed away after falling out of bed and breaking her hip and arm. And this was a beautiful nursing home with a great reputation.
56
Great points nothing can replace someone looking out for the benefit of a person under these circumstances. Nothing!!!
9
Well, dude, you sound like a VERY old 64 year old man. I hope I never have a negative a viewpoint on my older years. You sound like you are ready for the nursing home already, waxing on about the life there. I am 59 and could not be further from your mindset. Try getting out more with a more mixed crowd, it would really do you a lot of good! "I can't read young people anymore" geeeeezzzzzwhizzzzzzz!
20
Well, dude, each person has a different lens on the world. By 59, maybe you've learned that much? Surveys say we don't "feel" old till about 75. However, there are old souls at the age of 10. This writer sounds like someone who is really in touch with his life and the world around him, and what is changing with young people. Trying to stay young forever can put one really out-of-touch.
9
I've just written about the gradual loss of walking and being 75 and living alone I think about this issue all the time. My grandma chose to try a senior residence so as not to be a burden, but she couldn't stand it and was hospitalized after a breakdown. She was able to end her days in her own apartment thanks to the support of my mother's husband and a full-time aide. I worked in a nursing home for a year and what people say about it depending on the place is true, but for me the perfect option would be to live at home and
participate in nearby activities at a good senior center, driven there and back and with a part-time aide to help when I was home. Thanks for a thought-provoking, upbeat article. Every bit helps.
participate in nearby activities at a good senior center, driven there and back and with a part-time aide to help when I was home. Thanks for a thought-provoking, upbeat article. Every bit helps.
18
I don't agree with you at all. I doubt very much, an old Senior Citizen would prefer to be a nursing home resident with strangers on a sterile cold bed with his loved ones popping in once if ever. Even if there is dementia, I am sure they do not forget the home of their youth and all things family there. As a matter of fact that is one of the classic signs of dementia - retention of old memories and forgetting the present or near present. Pay for long term care insurance and save an extra, the siblings pooling in to take care of their aging parents, so that they can enjoy in their own home. As for music, get some CDs ,songs reminding them of good old days. Besides, it won't break your bank and save your parents from predators.
15
This essay is very winning. But it doesn't jibe with the reality of so many nursing homes. The smells, the neglect, the dementia, the drug-addled somnolence of wheelchair-bound ( and I mean bound as in tied in) out-of-it residents, slumped in their chairs and being spoon fed. THAT'S what scares the bejeebers out of everyone.
65
If I had a nursing home I would have NPR radio and then people could listen to good reports and music while staying in bed. THen I would have Turner Classic Movies because todays movies are too violent and pointless. I would have a coffee hour were people could share something that they had read in a newspaper or magazine. I would play Jazz to cheer people or blue grass or organ music.
17
Thoughtful article, but even more interesting are the comments which run the gamut from "loners" to nursing home avoiders, to cost cutters and the like.
But no matter what, Mr. Stratton's point is well taken: there is no getting out alive and as the clock ticks forward for the baby boom generation, we need to take heed.
It sounds to me that many posters are adamant about how they will spend the last years of their lives, based on an assumption that nothing will change except deeper wrinkles. But I'm not sure that folks realize they may feel differently 5 or 10 years from now, as life takes its toll.
A lot of things happen beyond our control. A freak accident, a major medical event that leaves one alive but barely. Crumbling bones and fractures that result in chronic pain. At age 68, I'm hardly nursing home material except for the fact that such a freak accident last year left me with multiple fractures and daily chronic pain that makes me often feel like 90.
Sure, as a loner, I want to live in my house forever, but not if I risk another potentially paralyzing fall because my postural realignment triggers a downstairs fall. So I'm starting to plan so I can locate places (they do exist) where I can be as much of a loner as I like but still enjoy the company of like-minded residents and the safety of facility oversight.
It's not easy to accept physical limits, which can come in the blink of an eye as I discovered on a cobblestone street in Paris.
But no matter what, Mr. Stratton's point is well taken: there is no getting out alive and as the clock ticks forward for the baby boom generation, we need to take heed.
It sounds to me that many posters are adamant about how they will spend the last years of their lives, based on an assumption that nothing will change except deeper wrinkles. But I'm not sure that folks realize they may feel differently 5 or 10 years from now, as life takes its toll.
A lot of things happen beyond our control. A freak accident, a major medical event that leaves one alive but barely. Crumbling bones and fractures that result in chronic pain. At age 68, I'm hardly nursing home material except for the fact that such a freak accident last year left me with multiple fractures and daily chronic pain that makes me often feel like 90.
Sure, as a loner, I want to live in my house forever, but not if I risk another potentially paralyzing fall because my postural realignment triggers a downstairs fall. So I'm starting to plan so I can locate places (they do exist) where I can be as much of a loner as I like but still enjoy the company of like-minded residents and the safety of facility oversight.
It's not easy to accept physical limits, which can come in the blink of an eye as I discovered on a cobblestone street in Paris.
54
Great points and of course everyone needs to be very careful when they age to avoid these accidents.
7
An assisted living facility is not, technically speaking, a nursing home. In general, the amenities are much nicer and the cost much higher (although, depending on the facility, the care may or may not be better). And in almost every state, assisted living facilities do not qualify for Medicaid.
If you have long-term care insurance--which you were wise to obtain when you did as the premiums go up the older you are when you apply--then you may be able to live out your final years in a very comfortable equivalent of room 105. If, however, you are not able to shell out many thousands of dollars a month for "luxury" accommodations, you may wish you were back in a farmhouse with your stereo and headphones and the occasional visitor.
If you have long-term care insurance--which you were wise to obtain when you did as the premiums go up the older you are when you apply--then you may be able to live out your final years in a very comfortable equivalent of room 105. If, however, you are not able to shell out many thousands of dollars a month for "luxury" accommodations, you may wish you were back in a farmhouse with your stereo and headphones and the occasional visitor.
38
One of the problems with nursing homes (which I've worked at for 20+ years) is that one does not usually enter by choice. Another problem - your daily needs are tended to by (usually) women who might be working 2 or 3 jobs to keep their heads above water. These women, nurse aides, provide the quality of life in a nursing home. They work hard, most of them are loving and compassionate, but they are paid so poorly, and thus their work is valued so little, that they live with considerable stress that does not always allow them to have time to be kind.
45
Klezmer music and the thought of a nursing home, both repel in their discordancy. Maybe when you pay into an account for twenty years, you figure you have invested in the housing, so you might as well cash in. The whole tone of the piece was off-putting. I'm with Donald Hall.
15
Also, not everyone gets nostalgic for Jewish music, perhaps many of those who aren't Jewish. It may be one thing to share a certain heritage with others in a group situation, but what if it is really diverse.
7
The writer is looking at this from a City Person's point of view. A City person love lots of people being around. Loves the Night Life. Loves living their life "inside'. Country Folk like none of these things except in small amounts. We live smack dab in a forested area. Our nearest friends are 1/4 mile away. Family is thousands of miles away. We choose when to be around people. We choose when we get up and go to bed. We choose what we will eat,or, not. We choose to live surrounded by Nature, not man. We choose to keep in touch with family and friends via a computer connection. We share photos and stories at most any hour of the day,or, night. So, for those such as I, the idea that we could be locked up in a large building ,and loose all of the liberties and freedoms that I just listed, scares the hell of of us! It sounds like prison! It sounds like a Dead Zone! I live with Eagles, Ravens, Deer, bears and other creatures of nature right outside my door here on Prince Of Wales Island, Alaska! I plan on dieing here too. better a shorter life with freedoms than a longer life with out!
41
Or better said big city people. I have my connections and things that I enjoy, many of them don't include other people and in fact many require no other people being around to mess things up.
3
I couldn't say it better. Although you might not think that in NJ but I am on a couple of acres in the woods and love my company of deer, fox, redtail hawks, wild turkey and songbirds in the hundreds if not thousands, and wonderful neighbors with horses (which I used to have). I will live here and die here happily.
4
Yeah, right. Go play a gig for the old folks and delude yourself into thinking that they live a good and happy life. I lovingly shepherded three seniors through their latter days. The two that I managed to keep out of nursing homes were much more comfortable and cared for than the one that I was forced to place in a nursing home. She died from aspiration pneumonia because no one checked on her for more than two hours. Before that incident, she had company that she didn't want--scores of it. Granted that all nursing homes are not the same and that levels of care exist, I would rather choose my music and the company that I keep -- at least select a "retirement" residence, if necessary, that fits my personality and preferences. Cristino Xirau (the commenter) and May Sarton, whom she quoted, are right.
26
You've got to be kidding. Who wants to sit around with a bunch of old people? The people that build nursing homes should consider letting the old folks home be combined with day care for children and/or putting old folks homes in the middle of all college campuses so the young people are all exposed to this depressing environment while the old folks will welcome the youngsters to watch and dream. You become what you live and dream. Watch out what you wish for #105.
25
Well some colleges do have facilities for retired people which includes interaction with others, sports, etc. Not it is not for infirm folks.
1
We are currently in a retirement community. Looking to get OUT!
Why? Food is terrible - due to being contracted out to a for-profit that, in our view, preys on the sick and elderly. In addition we've experienced what amounts to a dictatorship, albeit couched as benevolent care-taking under the rubric of "personalized care" within an inflexible top-down system.
We could not have foreseen the problems we've encountered. But, having admitted we made a mistake, and being fortunately in a financial position to leave, we are currently looking for a condo, suitable to living independently - free from paternalism disguised as caring.
Why? Food is terrible - due to being contracted out to a for-profit that, in our view, preys on the sick and elderly. In addition we've experienced what amounts to a dictatorship, albeit couched as benevolent care-taking under the rubric of "personalized care" within an inflexible top-down system.
We could not have foreseen the problems we've encountered. But, having admitted we made a mistake, and being fortunately in a financial position to leave, we are currently looking for a condo, suitable to living independently - free from paternalism disguised as caring.
45
Gee, we "warehoused" my MIL and she's never been happier. Too many people seem to make a huge mistake here. We are her family, but we ARE NOT her friends. All her friends were dying off or moving away, and she was becoming increasingly isolated. Senior center classes didn't work; she'd go but refuse to make friends. We did our best for 7 yrs but her dementia slowly worsened.
Finally we did our research, visited and revisited, chose a highly-rated non-profit and it has been a 5-star experience all the way! She's happier, we're happier because she's happier, and her doctor has been able to reduce her anti-depressant medication. We carefully monitor for problems and step in when needed, but the staff has little turnover and issues are few/minor.
And yes, we do take her out once a week for either sushi rolls or dim sum, although the facility has excellent food (we eat there with her on all the "big" celebrations/holidays). She loves her bright sunny studio with a gorgeous view, loves the security of 24/7 help whenever she needs it, loves the many activities and on-site senior center on a 3-acre campus. She really loves being "one of the young ones" at age 86!
When she eventually needs full Memory Care, we can choose to move her to one of those units, or keep her in her familiar surroundings where she is now (change is hard on dementia patients). We made sure she had the funds for facility care, and it's been the best decision for her we could have made.
Finally we did our research, visited and revisited, chose a highly-rated non-profit and it has been a 5-star experience all the way! She's happier, we're happier because she's happier, and her doctor has been able to reduce her anti-depressant medication. We carefully monitor for problems and step in when needed, but the staff has little turnover and issues are few/minor.
And yes, we do take her out once a week for either sushi rolls or dim sum, although the facility has excellent food (we eat there with her on all the "big" celebrations/holidays). She loves her bright sunny studio with a gorgeous view, loves the security of 24/7 help whenever she needs it, loves the many activities and on-site senior center on a 3-acre campus. She really loves being "one of the young ones" at age 86!
When she eventually needs full Memory Care, we can choose to move her to one of those units, or keep her in her familiar surroundings where she is now (change is hard on dementia patients). We made sure she had the funds for facility care, and it's been the best decision for her we could have made.
17
How wonderful that you found this facility! Many people can't claim the great experience that you and your family have found.
7
What of a parent who is not particuparly old (74) but who has a chronic, debilitating disease (Parkinson's)? She is no longer able to safely manage her 7+ doses of multiple combinations of medicine a day. When the medication is improperly administered, the consequences are terrible. She does not have enough money to pay for either an assisted living facility or in-home caretaker, who can be available 12 + hours to administer medication and overnight when things go bad. At best, I think she can can pay for no more than 3 years of either service. However, Medicaid will step in if she spends all of her resources toward an assisted living facility (note: we're talking about assisted living, not nursing home---very different things). I do not believe Medicaid will pay for someone to live in her home; to help her with medicine, with laundry, with meals, with even a bit of conversation. What then? Is there any option other than an assisted living facility? Right now, my siblings and I call and visit multiple times each day to talk her through or administer her medications. And then she's alone most of the time. If she feels unwell, she can't see a doctor unless we run home from work or she calls 911. I don't know that we have an option unless someone can please explain how she can manage to pay for a caregiver in her home for what will hopefully be 10, 15, 20 more years.
20
Look for a physican or nurse practicioner, individual or group, that makes housecalls where your mother lives. They exist in many areas of the US. It may help.
3
Unfortunately, this is the tragedy of our times, especially with the financial crisis. As the gap widens between those with the bucks and those without, it will be come more and more difficult until we can make a commitment to the price of true compassion and caring for our elderly.
4
A few readers seem to acknowledge that some individuals thrive on solitude and privacy and prefer to live out their lives at home, if that is financially doable. Count me among them. “I have my books and my poetry to defend me. I am a rock.”
52
Live and let live and be respectful of things that are not immediately clear. For some, after a long life, there is a need to sift through, only accomplished by living alone, their unique and themes and melodies. The end years can be made precious for some only by pulling away from the carnival of life. Coming to terms and quieting the mind for the eventual stillness that overtakes us all. Living in one's own home alone, with the luxury of help when needed, can be a time of profound expanding not contracting and something not afforded in a group home environment.
28
Maybe I'll change my mind when the time is closer (I'm in my early 40's now) but I've always kind of looked forward to the nursing home stage of life. A second "dorm life", this time with fewer hangovers (I hope).
7
Are you a nursing home industry shill? Are you kidding?
My mother -in-law was a stroke victim who lived in nursing homes in Mississippi, Tennessee and North Carolina (she was transferrd by us as we moved around with our jobs) over a period of ten years. She was paralyzed on her left side and needed help for bathing and bathroom functions although she could feed herself. She was a kind intelligent person who had her wits about her until the end (save for the periods when she had urinary tract infections caused by neglect in the nursing homes which in the elderly classically causes temporary dementia until treatment).
During her stays she endured possessions being stolen, her decent clothes being ruined, lying in soiled diapers for hours resulting in many urinary tract infections and resulting dementia until the antibiotics kicked in, horrible food, untrained nursing home staff with bad attitudes, nurses with bad attitudes, doctors who apparently couldn't practice medicine anywhere else, and injuries from being mishandled- all this with me and my wife visitng her on a weekely basis at a minimum. I hate to think what would have happened to her had she been without any family in loco parentis to ride herd on the cretins who run the homes she was in.
I've told my children if I ever get in that situation leave me alone with a full bottle of Tylenol.
My mother -in-law was a stroke victim who lived in nursing homes in Mississippi, Tennessee and North Carolina (she was transferrd by us as we moved around with our jobs) over a period of ten years. She was paralyzed on her left side and needed help for bathing and bathroom functions although she could feed herself. She was a kind intelligent person who had her wits about her until the end (save for the periods when she had urinary tract infections caused by neglect in the nursing homes which in the elderly classically causes temporary dementia until treatment).
During her stays she endured possessions being stolen, her decent clothes being ruined, lying in soiled diapers for hours resulting in many urinary tract infections and resulting dementia until the antibiotics kicked in, horrible food, untrained nursing home staff with bad attitudes, nurses with bad attitudes, doctors who apparently couldn't practice medicine anywhere else, and injuries from being mishandled- all this with me and my wife visitng her on a weekely basis at a minimum. I hate to think what would have happened to her had she been without any family in loco parentis to ride herd on the cretins who run the homes she was in.
I've told my children if I ever get in that situation leave me alone with a full bottle of Tylenol.
55
Unfortinately, moving around is not great for an older person, many of whom rely on familiarity to function well in a particular space. It's also not a great way to get to know staff, to befriend them and help introduce them to who your parent was when they were in their prime. I've found it's crucial to get to know, and to express deep appreciation, for the work of underpaid, largely minority aides. We are asking them to wipe our loved ones' bottoms, for heaven's sake!
12
you don't want to die from Tylenol poisoning. Try something else, please - or better yet, stay out of that situation. I hope we do as well.
3
It may be that being placed on an ice flow and set free from the village wasn't such a bad idea. That someone should wipe my chin until the reaper knocks is an absurdity I will try by any means to avoid. My kids don't pay much attention or clean the house now so the real problem is to leave comfortably and without a mess.
33
My aunt spent the two years after her husband died increasingly alone, afraid of even going out in the winter months (despite the "walkability" and excellent public transportation found in her neighborhood, for fear of slipping on the ice on the way to those nearby stores.
Her children finally convinced her to move to a CCRC. After a month she told my mother "Don't tell the kids but I should have done this a year ago." She plays mah-jongg twice a week, takes the door to door transportation to the Opera and Lecture series and is part of a walking club (in the indoor sky lighted passageways at her home). When my cousin called her yesterday the message she got was "Sorry honey I can't talk I'm baking for the Super Bowl Pot luck tonight." My cousin noted that her moms old home was inaccessible and without power due to the storm and her mother would have been alone in the dark if she'd remained there instead of at a party with friends.
Her children finally convinced her to move to a CCRC. After a month she told my mother "Don't tell the kids but I should have done this a year ago." She plays mah-jongg twice a week, takes the door to door transportation to the Opera and Lecture series and is part of a walking club (in the indoor sky lighted passageways at her home). When my cousin called her yesterday the message she got was "Sorry honey I can't talk I'm baking for the Super Bowl Pot luck tonight." My cousin noted that her moms old home was inaccessible and without power due to the storm and her mother would have been alone in the dark if she'd remained there instead of at a party with friends.
19
Let's consider LAI (life after internet). I'm not so sure people are as "isolated" as they once were if they use the internet often. You can - take courses on line, communicate to anyone you wish, stay on top of the news, get involved with your "special interest" and even, write comments on NYTimes pages!
The world is dominated by extroverts who can't imagine some people don't usually prefer to socialize. I think a poet laureate or a college professor, or other sorts of folks, might find it hard to "relate" to people just because they are the same age. Mr. Stratton apparently is out going, enjoys music and performing because of that. Don't pontificate to others, however.
The world is dominated by extroverts who can't imagine some people don't usually prefer to socialize. I think a poet laureate or a college professor, or other sorts of folks, might find it hard to "relate" to people just because they are the same age. Mr. Stratton apparently is out going, enjoys music and performing because of that. Don't pontificate to others, however.
53
While using the internet can be a lifeline for folks isolated in their own homes, who don't drive for example, it can also lead to further isolation as experienced by many users (teenagers and adults as well) who live their lives in a virtual world. I've worked with many seniors who have successfully made the move to one sort of retirement community or another, and the vast majority are connected and grateful they made the move. There are always exceptions of course. There are some great communities out there, you just need to do your due diligence, which can include using a senior living advisor.
9
Parents do many things for their children. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give to a child in these new circumstances of transient population, career women, and an aging population which stretches into 90 years is, in my opinion, for old folks to manage our own lives by entering a continuing care facility when we are still of sound mind and body. Our children can get on with the most fruitful years with their adult children and their own careers. Of course, money is the great leveler as it always is. There are marvelous facilities but they are expensive. SAVE! This can be their inheritance.
33
My parents took this route, chosing a continuing care facility whithout their children's knowledge. It was an excellent decision. They truly enjoyed their apartment and their new friends in the independent living part of the facility. When dementia became an issue they were moved by family and staff to the "care center" where they have been for a number of years. Their care has been exceptional and though they are now frail, at 95 and 90, they are alive and well cared for. Their 4 children live in different parts of the country and world and it would have been difficult to make decisions about their final home. We are are extremely grateful that our parents had the forethought to make their own long term care decisions.
14
Many don't have the luxury of at home care. We need to make the nursing homes better places.
35
What is the alternative for someone who cannot take care of themselves? Some live in nursing homes with overworked aides looking after more people than they can handle. Others (with lots of money) hire an aide to sit in their home doing nothing until they need to go to the bathroom, eat or get dressed. Isn't there a happy medium where one nurse would have maybe 4 patients at a time?
61
Yes there is such an alternative. It is called Intensive Care.
4
Chris, my mother-in-law went to adult day care until a few weeks before she died from dementia. This may be what a happy medium is. We had an aide wait for her to come home in the afternoon and help her for a couple hours. The people at day care were wonderful to her, more, I think than the aide who spent her time watching TV.
3
mother in law in memory care ..has late stage dementia
musts:
a proactive advocate to check on staff, conditions, etc
make un scheduled visits
be suspicious of numerous patient "falling" and has bruises
ask to see all medical reports
develop a relationship with staff - keep checking on daily routines - eating, toileting, bathing/showering, sleeping patterns
musts:
a proactive advocate to check on staff, conditions, etc
make un scheduled visits
be suspicious of numerous patient "falling" and has bruises
ask to see all medical reports
develop a relationship with staff - keep checking on daily routines - eating, toileting, bathing/showering, sleeping patterns
5
I do applaud you for entertaining! But , please don't lump all types of facilities for older people under the name "nursing home." Nursing homes do not have apartments. There is a huge difference between a true nursing home and other adult care homes. It isn't fair to those who are warehoused in nursing homes to compare their lot with assisted living, independent apartments with caregivers, etc.
21
As Greta Garbo said in Grand Hotel, "I want to be alone". And I want to be let alone.
25
How nice for our former poet laureate and his lovely farmhouse. However, most of us don't live in Don's rarefied realm, and so WE must make serious compromises, as always, characteristic of the non-elites of this country.
9
From my perspective nursing homes are a last resort destination. I for one would not enjoy groups or meetings. The contributor also did not delineate a difference between nursing homes and assisted living. Wisconsin thru the Family Care program makes a major effort to help people remain in their residences. It is not only the most humane it is also cost effective
8
My father was stuck in an "assisted living" facility which had a cost of TWENTY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH by my two oldest, psychotic, power hungry sisters. He hated it there, and was confined to his bed once he was unable to walk on his own, due to a broken hip. The "liaisons" were bored middle aged black women, for the most part, and the man would have been MUCH happier if he'd passed away in his own (or one of his children's) home. Ask your elderly parent, and make certain that THEY get to choose where they spend their final days: don't be selfish, and assume that YOU know that answer.
14
$2500 a month is actually quite cheap for assisted living in places like western Ohio that have lower costs of living.
10
$2500 a month is a bargain. We are caring for my husband's 93-year-old mother at our home, and are determined to keep her here, as is her wish, even as her dementia progresses. It's hard work and it's expensive. We pay for full-time caregivers while we're at work, and a visiting nurse who comes 2x weekly - those costs, plus additional food, equipment, supplies, etc., cost us almost $3000 a month. But a room in a memory-care facility would be $8-$9000 a month. Those places are medicare and medicaid-bleeding grounds. My mother-in-law once went into a rehab hospital after a stroke, and the administrator mentioned the specific date when she thought my MIL would be "ready" for discharge - it just happened to coincide with the day that the Medicare limit for rehab would be reached. Sure enough, she was miraculously fully "rehabbed" on that very day. Never again will she go into one of those places. She came home with the habit of calling "Miss! Miss!" all day; clearly she wasn't being tended to, and decided she had to call for attention when she was hungry or needed to use the toilet. She still does that, even as we or her caregivers are sitting in the room with her. The money we spend on her care here is money well spent, we think. She's clearly better off at home.
24
Too bad you didn't move back from Seattle to take him in, Thomas.
1
There are so many varieties of "nursing homes" available these days, it's mind-boggling. The first thing to do in order to sort them out, is to stop using the catch-phrase "Nursing Home." A true nursing home is where folks live who need a lot of assistance with their activities of daily living (ADLs) which can include dressing, bathing, transferring from bed to wheelchair. In 1999 I moved my family of 5 (with 3 kids ages 3-10) from the SF Bay Area to Newton, MA to help take care of my dad who'd had a stroke and the alternative was putting him into "a home." No way, not my dad. I couldn't live with the guilt. After we made the move and settled down, and my dad said he didn't really want to live with me and my family, I started exploring the wide world of retirement communities: Independent living communities; assisted living; memory care, skilled nursing ("nursing home.") We found my dad a wonderful independent living community where as his care needs increased, we brought in outside caregivers to help him. But he maintained his independence by not having to rely on myself and my family for all his care, socialization and mental and physical stimulation. He also had two girlfriends (and if he had been able to drive at night, would have had a full dance card.) My advice, now as a senior living advisor in Palo Alto, CA) is to open your mind (and that of your baby-boomer decision-making kids) to all the possibilities. They are all not your father's "old folks home" any more.
14
No, they're not, but some are much, much worse both for the resident and the resident's family. I know personally of an assisted living community where providing personal or personally hired full-time care for a resident is deemed "interfering with staff" -- staff whose intent was to bundle the resident into an ambulance and send him to the ER.
And another "assisted living" facility where, when family's back is turned, the residents are over-medicated into zombie-ism so that "staff can perform."
Both facilities go for about $5K per month. Insurance doesn't begin to cover this; medicare doesn't; who can afford this if they are not very, very wealthy?
They are definitely not your father's "old folks home" any more--they are heartless and mean, profit-making tools for someone
And another "assisted living" facility where, when family's back is turned, the residents are over-medicated into zombie-ism so that "staff can perform."
Both facilities go for about $5K per month. Insurance doesn't begin to cover this; medicare doesn't; who can afford this if they are not very, very wealthy?
They are definitely not your father's "old folks home" any more--they are heartless and mean, profit-making tools for someone
8
Thank you Mr. Stratton for playing often in retirement/assisted living/nursing homes. My parents spent some years in an assisted living facility in NJ, and musical performances (there were some great ones) were among the few things they never complained about:-) I too, expect to spend some time in such an institution...hopefully not for a few more decades... but you never can tell...
6
In Scotland we have sheltered housing. It's an apartment complex where you own your apartment and wardens (nursing assistance) are a bell call away. This would be a viable option for those who need only occasional assistance. Sheltered housing is a combination of assisted living in a housing set up somewhat similar to the over 55 housing.
27
Continuum of Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs) in the US have an Independent Living component which may be apartments, row houses or detached houses. They include the "warden" component, usually utilizing the staff from the assisted living or skilled nursing units. Residents usually have the option of a communal dining facility. My mother lived for 17 years in CCRC independent living.
9
I really appreciate this piece, Mr. Stratton. I took care of my mom for 5 years in my home (that I bought so I could take care of her and her dogs) but her early onset dementia (Primary Progressive Aphasia) progressed to the point that it was no longer safe for her to be home alone while I was at work and she refused to let a caregiver into the house. As her sole family member, I searched for the right memory care assisted living place and found a wonderful one with amazing staff and a great garden. Mom loved gardens.
She was there for just under a year and although it wasn't perfect, being home with me wasn't perfect either! No where is perfect when you can no longer communicate what you want to say, you can no longer read, knit, cook, garden or do any of the things that you used to love.
A sudden downturn and she passed away after two weeks in the hospital. The assisted living memory care unit held a memorial service for the residents and staff (and me.) It was touching because they truly loved her and had become part of our family at the end of her life.
I know I would rather be in a community when it comes time for me to require help for daily living. Not alone at home. The cost is tough and sometimes impossible, but everyone deserves a choice. And home is not always the right choice.
She was there for just under a year and although it wasn't perfect, being home with me wasn't perfect either! No where is perfect when you can no longer communicate what you want to say, you can no longer read, knit, cook, garden or do any of the things that you used to love.
A sudden downturn and she passed away after two weeks in the hospital. The assisted living memory care unit held a memorial service for the residents and staff (and me.) It was touching because they truly loved her and had become part of our family at the end of her life.
I know I would rather be in a community when it comes time for me to require help for daily living. Not alone at home. The cost is tough and sometimes impossible, but everyone deserves a choice. And home is not always the right choice.
14
For many of us, having a parent who needs 24-hour care live in our homes isn't going to happen in our society. My mother-in-law spent four years in the memory-care unit of an assisted-living facility. My wife began visiting every other day, then every day (I usually accompanied her once a week). We believe this made a huge difference in my mother-in-law's care--more attention by staff, letting us know when something was needed, and just better care in general. We got to know the staff, and the staff got to know that my wife really loved and cared for her mom. They knew they could call on my wife for all kinds of support related to her mom's care. On Sunday afternoons there was usually live music. We and my mother-in-law genuinely loved these occasions. People who could not speak coherently would sing along with the old songs. I came to tears each week when the last song was "God Bless America" as these elderly folk struggled to stand up for its singing. There are facilities that are not pleasant places, for sure. But there are things we can do to make life more pleasant for our loved ones in such places.
22
Robert - what a beautiful commentary. My Mother was in assisted living with my Dad for four years and then another two in a skilled nursing facility. My sister was nearby and visited regularly. We had a private caregiver during the day to just be with her and to take her for shampoos and for social events. The music events were just great. Even when her dementia progressed to where her interaction was limited, she enjoyed the music.
7
The comments to this article highlight the benefits of self directed care. This is why programs such as Consumer Directed Personal Assistance can provide people the ability to remain in their homes and get the care that they need. Not only does it cost less to provide care in a non-institutional setting,, but it has been shown to result in better health outcomes for people who participate, thus bending the overall medical cost curve as well.
Allowing people to remain in their communities and familiar surroundings as they age and/or manage disabilities is not just right for them, it is good public policy.
Brian Hollander
Peer Mentoring Program Manager
Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Association
Allowing people to remain in their communities and familiar surroundings as they age and/or manage disabilities is not just right for them, it is good public policy.
Brian Hollander
Peer Mentoring Program Manager
Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Association
8
I live on a farm I have loved for nearly a half-century. I plan to die here, be cremated and spread on the fields. The idea of a nursing home is anathema to me. Not everyone is dying to be around other people, or having other people around while dying.
69
This is a nice fairytale. My in laws wanted to die on their farm, but after a stroke, the Mom became disabled, the family had to take turns staying overnight to help her toilet, she refused to do any of her rehab exercises, and finally became so immobile that it was physically impossible to lift her. Fortunately, we found a nursing home with openings. She was livid. The Dad required 24/7 care after his diagnosis of terminal cancer. The farm required an enormous amount of work, just to keep the fields and lawn clear. The youngest child was 55. We all had jobs and lived hours away. If you have the money to die in your house without completely exhausting your family, emotionally and financially, then GREAT! But consider the toll on the family before you make such a blithe statement.
15
I share Elizabeth Fullers thoughts. I have always enjoyed a measure of solitude, of peace and quiet where as the poet Pablo Neruda observed one can sit and be conscious of one's own breathing. Most Americans seem content with being wired into non-stop sound and distraction with head phones, television or being in a crowd while some of us would love to experience the lack of sound often prescribed to an experience on the Serengeti Plains.
That aside there are many of us baby boomers that can't pay those premiums for a nursing facility. Income stagnation, layoffs for the 50 plus crowd, medical bills and the elimination of pensions preclude such luxuries and the golden years are not spent in Suite 105 - a comfortable one bedroom at Stone Gardens. Having done volunteer work is some of our public, not private, "old folks storage bins" where the "residents" do not gather to hear "Pennies From Heaven" but often sit in hallways drugged into a mindless stupor this is no way to spend the last few years or months of ones life. I am glad that Mr. Stratton could provide for his mother and I salute him for it. I am glad that he can afford to pay his premiums for his turn at Stone Gardens but I suspect that for many baby boomers it will just be their turn in a wheelchair in the drab hallway. Thanks but no thanks.
That aside there are many of us baby boomers that can't pay those premiums for a nursing facility. Income stagnation, layoffs for the 50 plus crowd, medical bills and the elimination of pensions preclude such luxuries and the golden years are not spent in Suite 105 - a comfortable one bedroom at Stone Gardens. Having done volunteer work is some of our public, not private, "old folks storage bins" where the "residents" do not gather to hear "Pennies From Heaven" but often sit in hallways drugged into a mindless stupor this is no way to spend the last few years or months of ones life. I am glad that Mr. Stratton could provide for his mother and I salute him for it. I am glad that he can afford to pay his premiums for his turn at Stone Gardens but I suspect that for many baby boomers it will just be their turn in a wheelchair in the drab hallway. Thanks but no thanks.
49
Thank you for bringing to the issue a reality check. Insurance premiums for long-term care are cost prohibitive for most of us.
Like everything else in our country, its an issue of the haves and the have-nots. Unfortunately, we can't expect geriatric care for most of us to improve - our reps in Congress can afford the best - thanks to our tax contributions.
(Did you get that Harry Reid can convalesce at his condo in the Ritz?)
The joke is on us.
Like everything else in our country, its an issue of the haves and the have-nots. Unfortunately, we can't expect geriatric care for most of us to improve - our reps in Congress can afford the best - thanks to our tax contributions.
(Did you get that Harry Reid can convalesce at his condo in the Ritz?)
The joke is on us.
14
I was raised as an only child and have always valued the time I spend alone. I love my family and I enjoy my friends but when I come home at night and shut the door I want the rest of the world to stay outside. I think May Sarton said it best, ""loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." I would prefer the company of a good book over the inane chatter of social discourse anytime.
I am most definitely one of those folks who want to remain home alone and I want to die alone there as well. The only thing I might request might be the magic pill that I could take to put myself out of any possible or probable pain that crossing over to the other side might entail. I see no sense in living at all, both alone or with company when pain takes over and I can;t be good either for myself or for others.
94
I was privileged to spend six years working in the Abramson Center for Jewish Life, a nonprofit homed for the aged in Horsham, PA. When the Center was built, it was designed to mimic the family home with small clusters instead of hallways, dining rooms in each cluster with living rooms and sun porches for people to gather. All the residents had private rooms and bathrooms. My aunt spent her final two years there and had the time of her life. She was an avid gardener, and the Center had a horticulturalist on staff who provided her with every thing she needed. She was constantly engaged in activities, and it sometimes took me two hours to track her down if I had to tell her something. But if she wanted to close her door and read a book, she had that option. My cousin in Florida had asked her to come and live with her, but my aunt said that she preferred to be at the Center -- my cousin would be at work all day and she would still be alone in an empty apartment. I think that nonprofit, faith-based senior communities that Bert is describing provide a different level of care than profit-making ventures. I think senior communities can provide a mixture of care and socialization to make resident lives comfortable and fulfilling. But like everything else, it is caveat emptor.
21
..." I was invisible to the boy. I was old. "
This sums it up for all us seniors.
Great piece ! You and your merry band bring great joy to the home.
Your conclusion, however, is not true for everyone.
Familiarity in my home is very important as I slowly grow old.
This sums it up for all us seniors.
Great piece ! You and your merry band bring great joy to the home.
Your conclusion, however, is not true for everyone.
Familiarity in my home is very important as I slowly grow old.
17
I'm with you, Bert.
We had parents on either end of the state, who insisted that their home was the only place for them to age. We dealt with years of long distance home repairs, 3 a.m. "I've fallen and I can't get up" calls, medication errors that landed them in the hospital, dealing with unfamiliar agencies while looking for Meals on Wheels and other home care, scam artist phone calls that they believed, safety issues with the house, and lots of denial about the care that was required to have them live at home. But the worst was the loneliness that manifested itself in endless TV, 4 times a day phone calls, and depression over "being the last one left". I can't put myself or my children through that - I have Long Term Care insurance, and plan to use it!
We had parents on either end of the state, who insisted that their home was the only place for them to age. We dealt with years of long distance home repairs, 3 a.m. "I've fallen and I can't get up" calls, medication errors that landed them in the hospital, dealing with unfamiliar agencies while looking for Meals on Wheels and other home care, scam artist phone calls that they believed, safety issues with the house, and lots of denial about the care that was required to have them live at home. But the worst was the loneliness that manifested itself in endless TV, 4 times a day phone calls, and depression over "being the last one left". I can't put myself or my children through that - I have Long Term Care insurance, and plan to use it!
8
I can appreciate the author's desire to be among people and singing and dancing through old age but he has a very myopic view. As delighted as he is with all that jazz, there are people (my mother being one of them) that have zero interest in being social, dancing, playing games and living in a party atmosphere.
My mother was in a nursing facility for about a month's time and she could not wait to get out of there and home to enjoy the peace and quiet at home where she would be by herself (with regular visits of course). The author seems to look upon the preferences of others as wrong. Just because he gains incredible enjoyment from something, he assumes that everyone else should too or they are missing something or doing it wrong, which is totally false.
Life does not work that way. People are different and it's wonderful that he has found his dream way of moving through old age, he should understand and appreciate-- and perhaps open his narrow view-- that others who are living an opposite existence in quiet solitude-- are just as happy as he is.
My mother was in a nursing facility for about a month's time and she could not wait to get out of there and home to enjoy the peace and quiet at home where she would be by herself (with regular visits of course). The author seems to look upon the preferences of others as wrong. Just because he gains incredible enjoyment from something, he assumes that everyone else should too or they are missing something or doing it wrong, which is totally false.
Life does not work that way. People are different and it's wonderful that he has found his dream way of moving through old age, he should understand and appreciate-- and perhaps open his narrow view-- that others who are living an opposite existence in quiet solitude-- are just as happy as he is.
13
I am 73 and the cartoon of "Happy Seniors" frolicking with their musical instruments is my idea of "Hell". But in defense of the author, I know I am a Introvert, with a very high level of Empathy. Too high for your scenario to be "Heaven". Oh I'll go when I have to, but not until my health is going to be in jeopardy. And then I'll go happily and willingly into the last phase of my life.
8
"Suite 105?" A private, one bedroom place in a NURSING HOME? Are we really talking assisted living here, the $5000/month/person (and up; WELL up) places where people who DON'T need 'skilled nursing services' can go to live (plus the $50,000 to $100,000 buy-in?) Will Mr. Stratton's long term care insurance make a dent in that kind of placement? (But credit is due to him for making that kind of premium investment from age 50 onward.)
My experience with nursing homes was the kind of place my in-laws ended up in: double rooms with no private space, minimum wage health care attendants to augment the very capable skilled staff. And still $3000/person/month until Medicaid would finally kick in.
I'm hoping to get to stay at home when I'm old.
My experience with nursing homes was the kind of place my in-laws ended up in: double rooms with no private space, minimum wage health care attendants to augment the very capable skilled staff. And still $3000/person/month until Medicaid would finally kick in.
I'm hoping to get to stay at home when I'm old.
14
I've taken care of this issue in my will: anyone who tries to put me into a nursing home is automatically cut from the will. My home, my neighbors and my community are part of who I am; I have sufficient resources for in-home care for a number of years, and I will be pleased to spend those resources on making my last years as golden as possible. Warehousing old people for the comfort of their relatives is not a kindness.
7
People who dink around with their wills that way are not being kind either. Cutting family in and out of wills is grotesque, a sick way to control people's lives from beyond the grave.
12
Is this piece a promo commissioned by the American Health Care Association (AHCA), the USA's most recent industry group for US nursing homes? It doesn't matter what country you look at- the USA, the UK or Australia - care homes for the elderly are a racket.
The elderly, the not-so-elderly demented, and the physicality incapacitated with no one to look after them, are exploited and treated like cattle in these places. The homes are run for a profit by those who know nothing about geriatric medicine, and are staffed by those who know even less. Many of those who work in these homes are predators who choose to work in the homes because it gives them easy access to their prey.
I would rather die by death-by-cop than end up in one of those places. I would rather consume a bottle of 12-year blended whisky and swim across a creek at night in Far North Queensland during the months of September to December when salties are at their most active and dangerous. I would rather arm myself with a pump-action shotgun and storm the local Bandidos clubhouse.
The elderly, the not-so-elderly demented, and the physicality incapacitated with no one to look after them, are exploited and treated like cattle in these places. The homes are run for a profit by those who know nothing about geriatric medicine, and are staffed by those who know even less. Many of those who work in these homes are predators who choose to work in the homes because it gives them easy access to their prey.
I would rather die by death-by-cop than end up in one of those places. I would rather consume a bottle of 12-year blended whisky and swim across a creek at night in Far North Queensland during the months of September to December when salties are at their most active and dangerous. I would rather arm myself with a pump-action shotgun and storm the local Bandidos clubhouse.
21
There is obviously no ultimate one size fits all...it depends on the individual...obviously...and certainly on the place that an elder signs up for.
And while having money would seem to temper the experience, that was not the case in the betrayal of 125 elders who were, under the guidelines/"protections" of the NY Department of Health, going to be able to "age in place" who paid more than $4000/mo ...no small amount, indeed...it didn't help a bit.
In the case of the Prospect Park Residence in Park Slope last March , 125 elders were evicted with 90 days notice. This was the process by which Haysha Deittsch sold the building to almost double his investment & was enabled by the NY Department of Health...whose guidelines were written by...yup...Albany State Senators and Assembly...you know the ones...the compatriots of (former)Shelly Silver and Dean Skelos...The complicity by the DOH and those who chose not to stop it, whether by oblivion or bought and paid-for design is abhorrent.
One can excoriate Medicaid...condemn those old people who "dare to bankrupt our society"...justifiably gripe about lousy nursing homes...but as long as there is an abundance of money to be made and a unapologetic absence of morality and kindness in our go-go free enterprise system...all the long term insurance and all the savings for old age cannot compete with down and dirty senior facilities which squeeze out the life of those whose days are numbered.
And while having money would seem to temper the experience, that was not the case in the betrayal of 125 elders who were, under the guidelines/"protections" of the NY Department of Health, going to be able to "age in place" who paid more than $4000/mo ...no small amount, indeed...it didn't help a bit.
In the case of the Prospect Park Residence in Park Slope last March , 125 elders were evicted with 90 days notice. This was the process by which Haysha Deittsch sold the building to almost double his investment & was enabled by the NY Department of Health...whose guidelines were written by...yup...Albany State Senators and Assembly...you know the ones...the compatriots of (former)Shelly Silver and Dean Skelos...The complicity by the DOH and those who chose not to stop it, whether by oblivion or bought and paid-for design is abhorrent.
One can excoriate Medicaid...condemn those old people who "dare to bankrupt our society"...justifiably gripe about lousy nursing homes...but as long as there is an abundance of money to be made and a unapologetic absence of morality and kindness in our go-go free enterprise system...all the long term insurance and all the savings for old age cannot compete with down and dirty senior facilities which squeeze out the life of those whose days are numbered.
11
There are nursing homes and there are nursing homes. Ditto for assisted living and memory care units. It's unfair to paint all with one brush. Similarly for living on your own. Some people want it; some don't. Some can; some can't.
7
Exactly. There are wonderful situations described in Atul Gawande's most recent book. Of course there are horrible situations too.
If I am no longer able to be totally independent, I intend to find the assisted living/nursing facility closest to one of my kids (so they can run by and check on me occasionally without a lot of trouble) and that will be it.
My father stayed in his home far too long. He brought in various people as roommates and to help out. Most were good; some were not. One's boyfriend was having him "sign over "various valuables and my father was scared of him.
I was, by necessity, living a plane flight away and he really wanted me to come check on him all the time. That didn't work well.
I have no intention of being a burden on anyone. And as for those spouses who care for a demented person at home, by choice, that's not me either. I have told my spouse, if I am running around in a diaper destroying things, that is not "me". I have left the building. Stick me in the nearest facility and if I don't seem to like it there, too bad.
If I am no longer able to be totally independent, I intend to find the assisted living/nursing facility closest to one of my kids (so they can run by and check on me occasionally without a lot of trouble) and that will be it.
My father stayed in his home far too long. He brought in various people as roommates and to help out. Most were good; some were not. One's boyfriend was having him "sign over "various valuables and my father was scared of him.
I was, by necessity, living a plane flight away and he really wanted me to come check on him all the time. That didn't work well.
I have no intention of being a burden on anyone. And as for those spouses who care for a demented person at home, by choice, that's not me either. I have told my spouse, if I am running around in a diaper destroying things, that is not "me". I have left the building. Stick me in the nearest facility and if I don't seem to like it there, too bad.
9
Because of an injury I had to spend a couple of months in a rehab facility -- nursing home with physical therapy. Absolutely the worst thing was a total lack of privacy. My roommates (I had two,one at a time) were good people, but there was no way to not overhear their conversations or shut out the blare of their televisions. I am a private person, and I prefer quiet to constant electronic "entertainment." I endured it because I knew eventually I could leave. Otherwise I think I would have found some means of suicide.
32
I was raised as an only child and have always valued the time I spend alone. I love my family and I enjoy my friends but when I come home at night and shut the door I want the rest of the world to stay outside. I think May Sarton said it best, ""loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." I woould prefer the company of a good book over the inane chatter of social discourse anytime.
I am most definitely one of those folks who want to remain home alone and I want to die alone there as well. The only thing I might request might be the magic pill that I could take to put myself out of any possible or probable pain that crossing over to the other side might entail. I see no sense in living at all, both alone or with company when pain takes over and I can;t be good either for myself or for others.
I am most definitely one of those folks who want to remain home alone and I want to die alone there as well. The only thing I might request might be the magic pill that I could take to put myself out of any possible or probable pain that crossing over to the other side might entail. I see no sense in living at all, both alone or with company when pain takes over and I can;t be good either for myself or for others.
19
I happened.to just recently see a wonderful film about this subject called "Wrinkles." Others might enjoy it ; both sad and funny. The film really captures the experiences of the elderly living in assisted living residences.
3
Most likely the author knew nothing of him mother's daily routine or issues as so many don't wish to be a "burden" to their families. Once we allowed the business sector to see the housing of our elderly as a way to make profits. all was lost. When profits dictate minimum wage workers and lower end nursing staff and doctors the outcome is inevitable. Once we developed into a society that sends the elderly off to be someone else's problem the outcome is inevitable. When the economy dictated that everyone in the family would have to work outside the home to earn enough to live on, the outcome was inevitable. We were a better society when we understood the elderly are our family who needed our help rather than people who needed us to make a "hard" decision to send them off as someone else's problem.
11
No thanks, I'm 72 and intend to live out my years amongst people of all ages as long as possible. Besides I don't have long term insurance...too poor for that...and grateful...the only way I'll be in a "home" is when I can't take care of myself...and I'll go kicking and screaming and on title 19...you are so young to have already designated rm 105 as yours...you should have spent that money enjoying now...rather than prepping for the "home."
15
I think commenters are confusing nursing homes with assisted living and independent retirement communities. Nursing homes provide round-the-clock medical attention to residents, who live in a hospital type room. Seniors who need a great deal of help with activities of daily living, have severe cognitive impairment, or suffer from debilitating medical problems. These are people who cannot live alone. In assisted living, residents have their own apartments. They receive custodial help with a limited number of activities of daily living, such as taking medications, dressing, bathing, eating or toileting. Aides are always on hand to help with these tasks. There are also independent living apartments for seniors who don't need any assistance, but who perhaps can no longer drive and would like to have group activities such as bridge, outings to plays and casinos, transportation to stores and medical appointments. I moved into an independent living facility when it became clear my husband (who had vascular dementia) could no longer be left alone while I traveled. When he died 18 months later of stroke, I could have moved into a cheaper apartment out in the city--but I was surprised to discover that I didn't want to. I have friends here, we have exercise classes on site, we play bridge--and the food is better than what I would cook for me alone. My children are delighted not to have responsibility for entertaining me.
18
I wrote the Donald Hall review from which you quote and am offended on too many levels to enumerate. Why do you assume this man is lonely? Are you not impressed by his accomplishments, at 86, far beyond any of our own? I am a fierce proponent of nursing homes --- my mother died in one, there by choice, and I wrote a well-received and well-reviewed book about it, "A Bittersweet Season" (Knopf/Vintage) in its 4th printing. But my mother was paralyzed, could not get from bed to wheelchair without two men and a hoyer lift. And continued to live in the solitary way there that she had her whole life. You disrespect the very old by assuming they cannot --- or should not ---- live as they chose. Who's life is it anyway?
20
Hey, Bert. (No, I'm not Ernie on Sesame Street but I couldn't resist.)
As a 60-year-old former New Hampshirite, I can tell you that poet Donald Hall cherishes the solitude and peace and quiet of his New Hampshire farmhouse. Many retirement age people are up there, quietly savoring the snow, the wind, the bare tree branches, and the quiet of their kitchen.
Me, I now live in NYC and I think sociable group living for seniors is great (as long as the place is good). When I was spending time with my 91-year-old mom at the Tietz Nursing Home in Jamaica, Queens last year (she peacefully slipped away on their hospice floor), I was struck by the realization that the most depressing, discouraging thing about many nursing homes is not the physical and mental decrepitude of the clients -- but a crushing loneliness. Elderly people, their minds still active, sitting in the dining room or the TV room all alone, hoping to catch a visitor's eye to spark a few precious moments of conversation. Of human contact.
Thank you for your compassionate, perceptive article.
As a 60-year-old former New Hampshirite, I can tell you that poet Donald Hall cherishes the solitude and peace and quiet of his New Hampshire farmhouse. Many retirement age people are up there, quietly savoring the snow, the wind, the bare tree branches, and the quiet of their kitchen.
Me, I now live in NYC and I think sociable group living for seniors is great (as long as the place is good). When I was spending time with my 91-year-old mom at the Tietz Nursing Home in Jamaica, Queens last year (she peacefully slipped away on their hospice floor), I was struck by the realization that the most depressing, discouraging thing about many nursing homes is not the physical and mental decrepitude of the clients -- but a crushing loneliness. Elderly people, their minds still active, sitting in the dining room or the TV room all alone, hoping to catch a visitor's eye to spark a few precious moments of conversation. Of human contact.
Thank you for your compassionate, perceptive article.
25
Yes, the loneliness. Chat for a few moments with a resident who is alone, or look him in the eyes and give his arm a squeeze. His gratitude will blow your mind.
6
Yes - I've walked the hallways of a nursing home during the day and looked in each room. (Asking myself if I'd be happy there in some 10 years.) In many rooms someone would stare out at me with a sad face.)
5
For a while I was in a program where I brought my very cute dog to the nursing home for people to pet. I didn't know anyone there, they recruited in the neighborhood for the program. It wasn't real demanding and it made me feel good.
They had a lot of dogs in the program and the residents seemed to really like it.
They had a lot of dogs in the program and the residents seemed to really like it.
6
Mr. Straton’s advice about insurance may be sage to us still way under 64, and though I’ve nothing against klezmer music with a good bit of Dave Tarras under my belt, I’d say that he might not sound out so defiantly exclusive of those to whom he offers it — like the young man who shared his lunch break — by extending his repertoire a little in the direction of John Carter. Ezra Sims, a composer who just passed away Friday, shortly after his 83rd birthday, spent most of his late life still at home in Cambridge. Though not a household name, he was much admired by generations of composers and performers, whom he mentored and are mentors to others. So my lesson to Mr. Straton is if his music can keep the old young, he’s got to have music that keeps himself young, and that way, like Ezra, he won’t be so invisible to the young men and women at the lunch table. Yes, prepare for your future with ever new music… keeps you young!
8
My mother is in an assisted living home in Elko, Nevada, and while there have been a few bumps, this has been an excellent place for her. As I continually tell her, this is a "clean, warm, and social place where people care for you....you have it better than 95% of the people in the world." She longs for her independence, but since she can no longer drive this is the best alternative. She eats with really intelligent and kind people three times a day; is served snacks twice a day; her laundry and cleaning are taken care of; and someone oversees her medication schedule. If she were living on her own, none of these things would be happening, and she would probably be dead, as she would not live her children. As a country we need to strengthen the assisted living and nursing home system -- whether through a combination of private and public funding, whatever -- this is the humane thing to do and really isn't all that difficult.
24
My great Aunt lives in one too and it's terrific. We see her about 3 times a year (we live about 5 hours away). She misses being able to drive, but she has lots of friends and does lots of stuff. The people are nice, intelligent types, nice to share a meal with. She is a very social person so this is a good fit for her. Her daughter and her grandkids live close, but they all work, so she would be home all alone all day without it.
3
Talk about timing..I am 91 years old, still able,still have my wits, still love my music, my computer, my book group.my poetry group and have been known to dance up a storm if the music is good...I live in assisted living it was the biggest mistake I ever made....most of these places sell you a bill of goods..you think you are being cared for...not at all..for the most part you are 'patronized'...I came here because I thought it would take away the worry of my only kid when I got sick at night....I got sick this night..called for assistance, got the usual untrained care giver had to tell them what I needed, what to do even how to set up my emergency oxygen....asked that they look in on me every hour...never happened...luckily for me I am knowledgable in medicine...I can not tell you how many times I have been given the wrong meds...it is not just this place, it is most of these places..it is for profit..stemming from original old Marriott Hotels,where clever marketing experts saw a use for run down properties and how to make them again profitable..do the research, I did....one bit of advice I urge you to ask should you have to place a loved one in an assisted living facility...'WHAT IS THE RATIO OF STAFF TOO RESIDENTS,ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT...music and socializing is not enough.....safety,security knowing you will not just lie there alone ....that is what is important
218
Good suggestion, assuming they will tell you the truth.
2
Sadly, very few people do their homework properly when choosing an eldercare facility. All of them are different. In our case, spending 18 months beforehand researching the details, visiting many different facilities, making follow-up visits, and carefully running the numbers, made a huge, and POSITIVE, difference for my MIL. She is happier now in asst. living than at any time since her husband died 20 yrs ago.
You make a good point about for-profit and non-profit facilities. Staff turnover and employee satisfaction are much, much higher at non-profit facilities. Also, states publish ratings on turnover and complaints from their inspection reports--but many people don't bother to research this before selecting a facility.
You make a good point about for-profit and non-profit facilities. Staff turnover and employee satisfaction are much, much higher at non-profit facilities. Also, states publish ratings on turnover and complaints from their inspection reports--but many people don't bother to research this before selecting a facility.
1
@Willow Ross Oregon
'WHAT IS THE RATIO OF STAFF TO RESIDENTS,ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.'?
Wow, Willow - I've heard that question considered before, in all the articles I've read, and I've read many, but never as a paramount question. Your example drove your point home. Our grandmother may have to go into a home. We're considering options now. Thank-you for sharing your experience and wisdom. May you continue to 'cut the rug' for many years to come.
'WHAT IS THE RATIO OF STAFF TO RESIDENTS,ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.'?
Wow, Willow - I've heard that question considered before, in all the articles I've read, and I've read many, but never as a paramount question. Your example drove your point home. Our grandmother may have to go into a home. We're considering options now. Thank-you for sharing your experience and wisdom. May you continue to 'cut the rug' for many years to come.
9
Naive. As a nurse I've worked in several nursing homes through staffing agencies. You must have missed the nightmare, guy, of two aides per 35 residents all having to get a brief change, or the screaming dementia patients. I could go on.
102
There's a lot of bad places and some good ones. Good ones cost $$$$$. Also, most families don't research ahead of time to find the right social environment. We visited multiple facilities, and every single one had a distinctly different culture.
We agree with the author -- we also have LTC policies, and consider it worthwhile risk mitigation. My MIL is much happier in the facility we chose, than when she lived with us.
We agree with the author -- we also have LTC policies, and consider it worthwhile risk mitigation. My MIL is much happier in the facility we chose, than when she lived with us.
3
Whether or not this living situation is good is up to the individual. Me? I don't think family visits and wonderful musical entertainment for 3 or 4 hours a week balances the other horrible 164 hours in the week, including sleep constantly interrupted. Don't sugarcoat the horror of being warehoused.
125
As a 70-something volunteer with AmeriCorp it is my obligation and my privilege to visit with residents of nursing homes, assisted living and independent living facilities, and rehab facilities. These residents with whom I share a few hours at meal time, therapy time or private time never fail to greet me with expansive smiles and hearty hugs - that is when they are able to remember who I am. Mostly forgotten or neglected by their former friends or relations, I am the consistent distraction from a routine of eat, therapy and sleep.
By calling Bingo games for those able to match numbers on cards, relating world events (local happenings seem to have lost relevance), starting discussions among residents who normally ignore fellow residents (they seem lost in their own self pity) and briefly chatting with those trying to get some sun on the patio or blankly staring at moving images on the large screen HDTV, I bring something of the outside world into their existence and a form of consistency that differs from their otherwise bleak routines. Unfortunately, the most frequent comment that I hear is, "no one pays any attention to me." While I am a volunteer and under no obligation to be with these seniors, the staff must deal with them constantly, hear their often-times repetitious or imaginary complaints and respond to regular mishaps resulting from infirmity and frailty. I suggest everyone visit one of these places and then rethink how we're going to deal with our future.
By calling Bingo games for those able to match numbers on cards, relating world events (local happenings seem to have lost relevance), starting discussions among residents who normally ignore fellow residents (they seem lost in their own self pity) and briefly chatting with those trying to get some sun on the patio or blankly staring at moving images on the large screen HDTV, I bring something of the outside world into their existence and a form of consistency that differs from their otherwise bleak routines. Unfortunately, the most frequent comment that I hear is, "no one pays any attention to me." While I am a volunteer and under no obligation to be with these seniors, the staff must deal with them constantly, hear their often-times repetitious or imaginary complaints and respond to regular mishaps resulting from infirmity and frailty. I suggest everyone visit one of these places and then rethink how we're going to deal with our future.
20
Shortly after the death of my mother-in-law, my father-in-law sold their condo and moved to a lovely assisted living center with a nice one bedroom apartment. His living arrangement is very similar to his condo, except there are many services available to him, including meals. He is not the least bit happy there, but I think it has more to do with missing Mom than his living situation. At 91 he has no desire to make new friends or participate in the activities available. As a result, his children, one daughter especially, spend a great deal of time trying to make up for his loneliness. If we had the room and he were willing to relocate I would be more than willing to take him in for far less than the cost of his current living arrangement.
12
My mom lived in a very nice, upscale retirement village.
It would be the kind of place the author has in mind.
But there are far more places like Donald Hall had in mind.
As with so many things in this country, money makes the difference.
It would be the kind of place the author has in mind.
But there are far more places like Donald Hall had in mind.
As with so many things in this country, money makes the difference.
58
Working as a hospice chaplain I visited many nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Almost to a person, the people I visited would have preferred to be in their own homes. My husband and I have saved and also have long term care insurance so that if/when needed we can have live-in help. Many families that I visited found wonderful people to care for them or their loved ones and the cost is about the same as a facility.
19
I would heartily agree. My husband's mother was able to remain at home after her husband passed away, because he had excellent insurance and some savings, and the family were able to arrange for a live-in RN for more than a year. This nurse was very proactive in making sure that my mother-in-law ate well, got outside (with oxygen), and took her meds regularly; and she also made sure that the doctors and the family were fully informed. Although my mother-in-law remained depressed and the family stressed about her general health situation, she was able to maintain her social contacts, and we remain very grateful to that nurse! I now have long-term care insurance myself, and am saving what I can.
1
I also have a good house and long term care insurance. However my insurer (and most others) no longer pays for home care. They did for my wife, 12 years ago, but the policy is full of weasel words to allow them to refuse it.
3
Mr. Stratton, I laud you for entertaining folks in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. For yourself, however, I would recommend a retirement community to delay the need for such facilities and the length of time you will have to stay in them.
I observed daily the several year experience of my parents in such (high end) facilities. They were too debilitated to do much more than have meals in the dining room, watch group movies and participate in a few sing alongs. Those facilities are more designed to ease people into death than to promote active living.
When I retired I moved to a retirement community. We have about 20 fitness-related programs to participate in (golf, pickleball, hiking group, etc) and numerous social/cultural activities (theater group, art, book club, card groups, etc). I'm sure these programs allow me to remain physically and emotionally healthier than if I had remained in my home. I'll hold off assisted living and nursing homes as long as possible.
I observed daily the several year experience of my parents in such (high end) facilities. They were too debilitated to do much more than have meals in the dining room, watch group movies and participate in a few sing alongs. Those facilities are more designed to ease people into death than to promote active living.
When I retired I moved to a retirement community. We have about 20 fitness-related programs to participate in (golf, pickleball, hiking group, etc) and numerous social/cultural activities (theater group, art, book club, card groups, etc). I'm sure these programs allow me to remain physically and emotionally healthier than if I had remained in my home. I'll hold off assisted living and nursing homes as long as possible.
7
My room at Sunrise Assisted Living in Smithtown New York with be the same as my Dad's, 305 at the end of the hallway upstairs overlooking the beautiful green lawn and the Italian Food store across the street.
After the death of my mother it became increasingly clear that Dad needed more help as his Parkinson's accelerated. He had a wonderful 3 years at Sunrise with beautiful caring staff who adored him. His medications, diet, exercise and social interactions kept him happy and healthy until the end. We called his physical therapy his "personal training". As his condition deteriorated, the amazing staff gently counseled me and helped me make the best decisions for him. In the end they helped me move him from his hospital bed to his "home", the term he used to describe Sunrise. The staff visited him daily, spoke to him every day. They shared my heartache and made it possible for Dad to die in my arms in a place that he loved. The constant stimulation, including music, dancing, parties, card games kept him engaged. When he could no longer follow the card games or feed himself, his friends, fellow residents assisted in his care. It was amazing to see how these wonderful people helped and cared for each other.
Although I am only 57, I've made my decision.
No, no solitary house on a farm for me. In the end, you'll find me in room 305. It's at the end of the hallway on the third floor.
After the death of my mother it became increasingly clear that Dad needed more help as his Parkinson's accelerated. He had a wonderful 3 years at Sunrise with beautiful caring staff who adored him. His medications, diet, exercise and social interactions kept him happy and healthy until the end. We called his physical therapy his "personal training". As his condition deteriorated, the amazing staff gently counseled me and helped me make the best decisions for him. In the end they helped me move him from his hospital bed to his "home", the term he used to describe Sunrise. The staff visited him daily, spoke to him every day. They shared my heartache and made it possible for Dad to die in my arms in a place that he loved. The constant stimulation, including music, dancing, parties, card games kept him engaged. When he could no longer follow the card games or feed himself, his friends, fellow residents assisted in his care. It was amazing to see how these wonderful people helped and cared for each other.
Although I am only 57, I've made my decision.
No, no solitary house on a farm for me. In the end, you'll find me in room 305. It's at the end of the hallway on the third floor.
19
We all have different needs. I don't know that I would enjoy the close companionship a nursing home can require. But I do know, from my mother in law's extended stay, that other than the food, waiting for a response to your call for something you really need is one of the most difficult experiences for the very old. And it is inevitable as one ages and needs more, wherever that takes place.
16
Perhaps the most discouraging two words older people hear is "nursing home". Why not something like "Legacy Communities" as opposed to stereotyping older people as if they need child like care "nursing" and further implying they are no longer willing or able to contribute to society. Another guilt ridden lable is incarceration or prison or correctional institution. In fact we are referring to places to store millions of people that are mentally ill, criminally insane, illiterate, violent and addicted. However, correctional institutions and nursing homes give the impression that it's the right thing to do for bad people and the elderly. What should we call places for storing elderly prisoners?
7
Nursing prisons? Re. "homes" for seniors, suggest never using institution or facility. "Community" usually sounds good ie. retirement community, independentliving community, assisted living community. Maybe "senior assistance community" instead of nursing home?
2
Column?
Funny.
Reponses?
Not so much.
Funny.
Reponses?
Not so much.
6
For many of us the prospect of aging, failing health and being warehoused just isn't all that humorous.
10
Despite a blizzard of problems, complaints and lawsuits, nursing homes serve an ongoing societal need. For every horror story, there ones about appreciation for a job well-done by an overworked staff under trying circumstances. As for music, my wife and I started our musical duo by performing for nursing home residents and I couldn't agree more: they were among the most appreciative audiences we ever encountered.
19
Of course we are appreciative.what else is there besides Balloons, Bibles and Birthdays
8
NY Times, you tricked me. Your articles on eldercare have been so helpful and thought-provoking and progressive, when I saw the title of "Live From the Nursing Home," I thought that Mr. Stratton was vetted for accuracy, even appropriate humor...I was so wrong.
When my dad died precipitously in 2004, my quiet husband said, "Bring her on over to live in our garage apartment...it is the right thing to do," referring to my aging mother. So, Mr. Stratton, singing by oneself vs. nursing home is NOT the choice nor the remedy for many, many elderly. citizens....and, for you to assume that even the single elderly that live alone are not nurtured by neighbors, family members, church/synogogue communities makes us all look selfish and uncaring. Some of us are trying very hard to help our elderly in constructive ways.
An occasional cheeseburger mentioned as the way to help your mom cope in a nursing home is not funny, Mr. Stratton. Plus, your perspective from being an occasional musician gives a VERY slanted view of how our elderly cope the other 23 hours per day. Please, sir, next time, if you go to all the trouble to write an article for the NY Times, show some respect and do your homework.
When my dad died precipitously in 2004, my quiet husband said, "Bring her on over to live in our garage apartment...it is the right thing to do," referring to my aging mother. So, Mr. Stratton, singing by oneself vs. nursing home is NOT the choice nor the remedy for many, many elderly. citizens....and, for you to assume that even the single elderly that live alone are not nurtured by neighbors, family members, church/synogogue communities makes us all look selfish and uncaring. Some of us are trying very hard to help our elderly in constructive ways.
An occasional cheeseburger mentioned as the way to help your mom cope in a nursing home is not funny, Mr. Stratton. Plus, your perspective from being an occasional musician gives a VERY slanted view of how our elderly cope the other 23 hours per day. Please, sir, next time, if you go to all the trouble to write an article for the NY Times, show some respect and do your homework.
72
Looks very much like you did not read beyond the first few sentences of this article. Maybe you should take your own advice next time you go to all the trouble to write a comment on a NYT opinion (as in 'everyone is entitled to their') piece.
Mr. Stratton, your article was both sensitive and humorous and I thank you for writing it. My husband and I cared for my elderly, childless aunt after her husband passed away. First we moved her into a senior living complex where she could have all her favorite things from home. Eventually she had to move into a single room at the best long term care facility in the area, and again she had many of her favorite possessions with her. Though she refused to leave her room, she had a parade of visitors and staff in and out all day. After she died peacefully in these familiar surroundings, I learned that she also had middle of the night Home Shopping Network viewing parties in her room with the night crew. I think the way elderly people often build a life despite their shrinking world would surprise many people.
Mr. Stratton, your article was both sensitive and humorous and I thank you for writing it. My husband and I cared for my elderly, childless aunt after her husband passed away. First we moved her into a senior living complex where she could have all her favorite things from home. Eventually she had to move into a single room at the best long term care facility in the area, and again she had many of her favorite possessions with her. Though she refused to leave her room, she had a parade of visitors and staff in and out all day. After she died peacefully in these familiar surroundings, I learned that she also had middle of the night Home Shopping Network viewing parties in her room with the night crew. I think the way elderly people often build a life despite their shrinking world would surprise many people.
6
Just a thought concerning the high school boy's rude behavior towards Mr. Stratton at Arbies... I teach the violin to children between the ages of 3 1/2 to 18 years. I have been bringing my students to perform at local nursing homes and assisted living facilities for many years. The residents of the homes love when the kids come to play for them and the benefits to the elderly are numerous and obvious. At the same time, the benefits to these younger people are many as well. They are giving of themselves to a community of people who they might never have encountered outside of their relationships with their own grandparents. The warm and genuine appreciation that they receive from the elderly who they share their music with is giving these kids a lesson for life, teaching them kindness, respect and generosity towards people of every generation. Thank you Mr. Stratton for your generosity and kind spirit as well.
18
These comments hit home. Having had the experience of my mother, with Alzheimer's, living her last years of her life in a highly regarded nursing home near me, my greatest regret is that I was blindsided and didn't have the wherewithal to get her out of that situation. Even in what is considered the best of the best, there are not enough people to go around to truly take care of residents who cannot take care of themselves. Sadly off market drugs are used to manage them. Walk into one and you see the group sitting in front to the nurses' station because that is convenient for the staff. My mother loved to walk but was encouraged not to bc there was not enough staff to watch her if she did. I could go on but suffice it to say that I would rather die than have my life end in a nursing home.
69
Parking residents in hallways for staff convenience, locking patients into "geri-chairs" so that they can't move, using Seroquel as a panacea, failing to offer water often enough, and not taking patients to the bathroom as often as necessary: these are features of our loved one's reputable, posh CCRC dementia nursing unit. And there is absolutely nothing the family can do except to BE there.
13
Not all nursing homes are alike. My mother was placed in a nursing home because of Alzheimer's related dementia. During her career as a nurse she worked in nursing homes and did not want to be placed in one "ever". I promised her I would not. Other family had more money to implement CONTROL. It is always better to care for someone in their own home - my mother was a hospice nurse who lived the principles supporting hospice care. It took me years to get a good night sleep after she was warehoused. Even more so when I discovered that the attending physician had his license suspending because of prescription drug abuse for himself and 'family and friends'. There is a reason people with disabilities fight against nursing homes - they kill people's spirits slowly but surely - there is nothing healthy or life fulfilling about them. That the writer's mom was in a nursing home with music now and then may please him. Continued...
25
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful caregiver (more of a companion) stay with my mom in her home for the last nearly 3 years of her life. My mom got to sleep in the bed that she shared with my dad, prepare food in her kitchen, and have neighbors drop by. The government would save money by subsidizing the cost of caregivers rather than paying for nursing homes. There is a tremendous difference between living in familiar surroundings and familiar routines than living in even the best of facilities.
98
Lou
Wisconsin has a program called Family Care that does just what you have mentioned - helping people stay in their homes by providing services to people so they can stay in their homes, instead of going to nursing homes.
Scott Walker, the new Republican hero, capped that program for seven long months when he was first elected and took over Wisconsin in 2011. However, the feds marched in, mandated him to remove the cap and proceed, with including 15 counties that did not already have the program. In the meanwhile, in those seven months - individuals who would have qualified for the program were obstructed from applying by Walker until the feds had the cap removed. That is what Scott Walker is like....
Wisconsin has a program called Family Care that does just what you have mentioned - helping people stay in their homes by providing services to people so they can stay in their homes, instead of going to nursing homes.
Scott Walker, the new Republican hero, capped that program for seven long months when he was first elected and took over Wisconsin in 2011. However, the feds marched in, mandated him to remove the cap and proceed, with including 15 counties that did not already have the program. In the meanwhile, in those seven months - individuals who would have qualified for the program were obstructed from applying by Walker until the feds had the cap removed. That is what Scott Walker is like....
11
In most cases, the government doesn't pay for nursing homes either. In many states, only when a person is destitute will they be eligible for Medicaid payments. In Florida, a single person's monthly income must be no more than $2,163. Out of that, you are allowed to keep $35 a month for person needs. Your total assets must be no more than $2,000 excluding your home (if you intend to return there) and one car. And you have to meet 'nursing home level of care' requirements as well.
2
My first job as a nurse in the 70s was a gig in an extended care rehab facility. I found a lot of it quite demanding and a little of it was quite dehumanizing and sad. By and large, I credit the experience with giving me my first real lessons in what the stuff of human suffering was, and i don't mean physical ailments only. It was often a very happy place to be, and I have a trove of wonderful memories that still lift my spirit.Most impressive were the home health aides who did the hard stuff, with compassion and with integrity. A good nursing home can be a better place for an elderly person than isolation at home. Look around carefully, ask a lot of questions, and suspend judgement if you need to move to one. I think of a nursing home as an intentional community, in which the residents have responsibilities to the community, as well as reaping the benefits. By that I mean the people who make the best adjustments to the home are willing to make adjustments for room mates and staff as they move from independence to codependence.They demonstrate patience, love, and concern for others. The people who are the most unhappy go expecting a five star hotel, and want to be entertained and waited on.
10
Mr. Stratton, I hope you get to choose where and how you end your days, but as for me, I could not abide the thought of some "facility," however gorgeous and glitzy and however staffed with the best and brightest of care givers. I am literally your age, my wife and I are healthy and cherish the quietude and solitude of our lovely home, and there is absolutely NOTHING that sounds remotely attractive regarding life in a "facility" with dozens or perhaps hundreds of other people. It quite frankly sounds like Hell.
70
But life can look different when you're > 70. And alone in a big house.
2
Having volunteered in a nursing home for over seven years, I can say that they can be fairly pleasant places. Of course no one wants to age, to be wheelchair bound, to go blind. But when physical limitations mean you can no longer live at home, when there is no dutiful sons or daughters who can afford to give up their job to stay with you full time, then the nursing home is almost inevitable. That said, there are good things going on every day at "my" nursing home, which is church related. The staff, many of whom are paid minimum wage, are almost always kind and caring. There are many activities, including visits from dogs and cats, card games and bingo, and bands such as the one described in this article coming in. Art projects go on all the time, and we have some beautiful things hung on our walls, all done by residents. Nothing is perfect, is it? But to say all nursing homes are hell holes, as some comments here indicate, is unfair. There are good nursing homes (not necessarily the luxurious ones) and bad nursing homes. I have done my homework and prepared a list of the good ones for my children, if and when my time comes. And I will try my best to not complain, At least I am not lying on a mat on the floor is some poor country, slowly wasting away. And I entreat all readers to consider volunteering once a week at a nursing home - if we all did it the quality of life there would improve immensely for everyone.
16
I'm saving up for the Grateful Dead themed retirement home they talked about in a NYT article a few weeks ago. Spending my last years arguing over which was the best show ever with fellow deadheads.….
12
As Lincoln supposedly said of a book, for those who like this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they will like.
My mother spent only one week in a nursing home, too sick to participate even if she'd wanted to. In the years leading up to her last illness, when her friends died off, she made a halfhearted effort to make new ones, but she was always the solitary type. I get it from her.
I'm primarily a solitary soul. I experience parties, songfests, eistedfodds, Star Trek conventions, church services, any gathering of more than three, with deep discomfort. A friend once put her arm around me and drew back immediately. "You shrivel up when I touch you," she said, "like a mimosa tree." I have exactly four FB friends and one - yes, one - flesh-and-blood one. As long as I can still shovel snow - and at 60, I'm out there this very day wielding that blade - I will age and die by myself in the house I grew up in.
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. For myself, I can't imagine anything mroe desolate than being in a group home - whether a college dorm, or a young people's 'Friends' shared apartment, or a nursing home, being mutched to 'have fun, participate' etc.
A cat, a book, a CD player, a TV, and I'm fine. (I can turn off or put aside all but the cat, and he sleeps a lot.) As far as I'm concerned the world can largely stay on the far side of this Internet connexion.
One size does not fit all, and de gustibus non est disputandum.
My mother spent only one week in a nursing home, too sick to participate even if she'd wanted to. In the years leading up to her last illness, when her friends died off, she made a halfhearted effort to make new ones, but she was always the solitary type. I get it from her.
I'm primarily a solitary soul. I experience parties, songfests, eistedfodds, Star Trek conventions, church services, any gathering of more than three, with deep discomfort. A friend once put her arm around me and drew back immediately. "You shrivel up when I touch you," she said, "like a mimosa tree." I have exactly four FB friends and one - yes, one - flesh-and-blood one. As long as I can still shovel snow - and at 60, I'm out there this very day wielding that blade - I will age and die by myself in the house I grew up in.
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. For myself, I can't imagine anything mroe desolate than being in a group home - whether a college dorm, or a young people's 'Friends' shared apartment, or a nursing home, being mutched to 'have fun, participate' etc.
A cat, a book, a CD player, a TV, and I'm fine. (I can turn off or put aside all but the cat, and he sleeps a lot.) As far as I'm concerned the world can largely stay on the far side of this Internet connexion.
One size does not fit all, and de gustibus non est disputandum.
126
Trust ACW to send me to the dictionary. I have a reasonably good vocabulary, but "mutch" wasn't in it. I found it as only a noun, not a verb, but the image is great anyway.
2
Thank you from the legions of introverts everywhere.
5
I, too, looked up the word "mutch." There is a second definition, and it is a verb meaning "to beg" or "to cadge." I think that's the meaning ACW has in mind. I don't think those thrifty Dutch women wearing mutches came holding their hats in their hands, but perhaps....
4
I'm glad the author plays the Nursing Home circuit. Research has shown that even individuals with severe dementia can profit from and respond to music. And seniors are actually one of the most grateful and appreciative audiences. So kudos to the author! However there is a lot of ignorance about nursing homes and there is a great distance between the care that elderly recieve and what they deserve. Nobody appears to be paying much attention. A federal report last year (the Inspector General of Health and Human Services) found that 1 out of 3 people in skilled nursing facilities are harmed by care or mistakes in care. The year before the same federal agency reported that billions of dollars are spent by medicare for care described in treatment plans that is not provided. If that were not enough during the last several years Pharmaceutical companies have been fined billions for the off label marketing of anti-psychotic meds to sedate folks with dementia in nursing homes. These have been proved to be harmful and even fatal, and surely injurious to quality of life. A predominant business model that makes nursing homes critically understaffed to the point of neglecting basic care, also places elders in frequent jeopardy. This is not every home but not unusual at all. There is a long way to go. ...but my advice to this author, Thank you and keep playing!
5
Our trio has been doing the same kind of thing for 5 years and it is always a high point in our month. Residents are more than appreciative often bringing us little presents and personal stories. Most can be seen mouthing the words to the old post war standards......even the severely impaired residents. We invite the brave to come up and share the mic and there is always a space cleared for dancing, even in wheelchairs. I especially like doing songs that were popular in both our generations (think "Blue Moon"...bomp buh buh bomp).
2
If you're outgoing and you like people - maybe, just maybe, the right nursing home will be fine. If you've always been a loner, then it's 'it's better to be lonely alone than lonely with other people around', and best skip the nursing home. In fact, it's best to bail-out towards the end but while you still have your health and wits, before the choice is taken from you.
27
I'd like to hear from someone who has stubbornly remained in their own home and just dealt with the problems. This wouldn't work with Alzheimers, of course, but I am wondering about people who have mobility and health issues.
I guess I say this because the congregate living facilities I've seen don't strike me as somewhere I'd want to live.
I guess I say this because the congregate living facilities I've seen don't strike me as somewhere I'd want to live.
8
I'm still at home with my computer, a Bose sound system to fully enjoy my music of all kinds ,and sometimes played very loud, have a few drinks when I want, enjoy my cigs, get up when i want or go to bed when i want, sleep with my beloved cat, and visits now and then from my neighbors, grand kids. I have an excellent caregiver,a girl Friday actually, who comes in twice a week. I am 79 and use a walker. How do i do this? Money is the answer. I have been very fortunate, my husband, now deceased two years, and i always thought about the future, and never lived beyond our means.
I do thank my lucky stars every single day as luck too played a role. I hope the same for you.
I do thank my lucky stars every single day as luck too played a role. I hope the same for you.
7
In Cleveland Heights and the surrounding areas, the dog houses are more luxurious than many a Cleveland home. The elderly could live there with their dogs and live better than those in an inner city Cleveland nursing home. Get a clue.
3
Great piece! And better writing that we are accustomed to from the Times. [I am 73, still doing well, thanks be to God].
I have a long term care plan, should i ever need it: I plan to get busted by going to the federal building and going in to try to sell a quantity of cocaine to a US Marshall or FBI guy. Boom, at that age, I will be shipped off to some minimum security prison with housing, meals, clothing, medical and dental all covered. I figure that in there, my SocSec money will be enough to live on. :)
47
Wenzel Dehn in Ohio: Your plan to get busted for drugs and put in minimum security prison when you need long term care is hilarious.
It brought back 1970's memories of trying to get OUT of jail after being busted for civil disobedience. I suspect minimum security prison is not much different than some of these nursing homes....
It brought back 1970's memories of trying to get OUT of jail after being busted for civil disobedience. I suspect minimum security prison is not much different than some of these nursing homes....
5
Not a chance will I go to a place like that. Your experience with your mother's assisted living (NOT a nursing home; despite the blurriness of the definition/lines between "independent" living, assisted living, and nursing homes, the reality is that nursing homes are generally for the truly infirm) are quite dissimilar to my observations of my mother's "independent" living facility. Yes, they have art classes, music, field trips, and so on. Yet everyone is lonely. They are living among people who are not necessarily the kind of people they would have chosen as friends. They tend not to form friendships because every week, another 3-5 people die or leave for "memory care" facilities or nursing homes. Many of them are not independent in any sense of the word but because they can afford private health care aides, they can stay - they are "independent" of the staff. So the place is full of people who should have moved to more advanced levels of care but refuse to leave. The elderly don't like change and moving is very hard on them. So they socialize but they are still lonely. Either your experience is unusual or you have a much rosier outlook (denial?) than I do.
I love singing alone at the top of my lungs. As I get older, there are fewer and fewer people I want to be around. I sure don't want to be around a bunch of old, infirm people if I can avoid it.
I love singing alone at the top of my lungs. As I get older, there are fewer and fewer people I want to be around. I sure don't want to be around a bunch of old, infirm people if I can avoid it.
219
If only you lived in New York! I would like to live next door to you because I'm perfectly content to be alone and really don't like strangers. We could be neighbors and I would bake you cookies. Then you could go home and we would have had a swell time. My insurance is paid up, but if I have to use it, I'll drink the Kool-Aid. Is there anything worse than forced gaiety, false friends and steam-table dining? Solitude, quiet and my home cooking...that's an old age I can look forward to. (My husband is welcome to come along, of course!)
9
This view of yours is not what i experienced when my mother-in-law was in a retirement home. She had many new friends, they went to shows etc and generally lived well. She was a positive person in her life and could find the positive in whatever her situation, and according to my hospice working friends, a common theme among those 'living' in retirement not just waiting for the end.
2
I live in a retirement center. It is a large building with small elevators. It's affordable. We have an assisted living floor. I moved here because of the rent subsidy when in my 60's. Walking into the lobby some days you would think it was a nursing home. Most poor elderly cannot afford to move to an assisted living place so they stay here til the nursing home paid for by Medicaid. If I had more income or something I'd move from the 16th floor to some little house. Luckily I still am physically and mentally young. Being alternative culture even in the hippie capital of the US doesn't really mean I live with many like minded people. Grateful for the affordable rent though and that there is a mix of financial backgrounds in this building. Still wish there was a lounge so the lobby rats had someplace to hang out.
8
We persist in burying the lead: the social needs of caring for our old are bankrupting society, and severely impacting our ability to support the preparation of our young.
The most intractable of the healthcare challenges that we face is Medicaid, that now insures over 20% of Americans. The biggest single burden on that system is the part that pays for nursing home care for the indigent -- and that's almost everyone who arrives at the stage where such care is needful. People bankrupt themselves in order to qualify for Medicaid and access to essentially free nursing home care. The costs are rising, and we're facing a flood as the baby boom generation ages.
Yet the left (and a lot of the right) isn't about to accept that we simply abandon our elderly; while the right insists that what coverage is provided be accomplished by the private sector. This is a compromise that spells disaster.
For those who can afford to grow old and die in their own homes, more power to them. But they're irrelevant to the real issue, which is how to effectively care for our old while NOT bankrupting ourselves or draining all capacity to build our future.
Nursing homes need to become archologies (hyperstructures -- densely populated habitats), where medical and other care can be accessed efficiently; and they need to become a fully public sector service, shorn of the profit motive.
The most intractable of the healthcare challenges that we face is Medicaid, that now insures over 20% of Americans. The biggest single burden on that system is the part that pays for nursing home care for the indigent -- and that's almost everyone who arrives at the stage where such care is needful. People bankrupt themselves in order to qualify for Medicaid and access to essentially free nursing home care. The costs are rising, and we're facing a flood as the baby boom generation ages.
Yet the left (and a lot of the right) isn't about to accept that we simply abandon our elderly; while the right insists that what coverage is provided be accomplished by the private sector. This is a compromise that spells disaster.
For those who can afford to grow old and die in their own homes, more power to them. But they're irrelevant to the real issue, which is how to effectively care for our old while NOT bankrupting ourselves or draining all capacity to build our future.
Nursing homes need to become archologies (hyperstructures -- densely populated habitats), where medical and other care can be accessed efficiently; and they need to become a fully public sector service, shorn of the profit motive.
119
Yes, the left isn't willing to abandon our elderly. Thank goodness. I'm one of those elderly. And yes, a lot of the right are willing to. Eager to, in fact. Your prescription for the problem, apparently, is a sort of dormitory: a big room with lots of beds and visiting physicians, with gruel twice a day. Sounds ideal. Mitt and the Koch brothers and you can live happily ever after, without wasting a penny on me.
113
Sounds like being housed in a chicken coop.
14
Whenever i discuss medicaid with my well educated friends, they make disparaging comments about fertile women on welfare, and seem to think that the facts of the matter, that it is nursing home care that drives the medicaid bus, is something I am making up. They are the first ones who complain about social welfare programs and and the first people to hire lawyers to hide their parents assets from the nursing home admissions folks and the social security police. Its Mom and Dad, not just the underclass poor who we support.
32
Thanks foe this thought-provoking article. It's hard to anticipate how we will be thinking in the next decade of life, if we are lucky enough to have one. It's best to keep one's options open, as the author has done, and long-term care insurance helps in doing so. I am 83, a lawyer, working full-time; I am blessed in being able to do so from home, where I enjoy the company of my dear wife of 55 years. I could not have imagined this 20 or 30 years go. Keep your options open.
18
'Pack up all my cares and woe, here I go, singing low, bye bye Blackbird.'
Lots of articles similar to this. But my question is always the same. What is to become of the vast majority of us baby boomers who can not and could not afford long term care insurance? We rely on the sometimes misguided notion that family will care for us. Or that 'self determination' will be our only option. At close to 3k/yr, long term care insurance is just not an option. Time will tell.
28
I am pretty sure we will die, sooner or later
1
>
"I wouldn’t mind going into a nursing home and not coming out. In due time, thank you. I’m 64."
Well you may get your chance, good luck with that
"I wouldn’t mind going into a nursing home and not coming out. In due time, thank you. I’m 64."
Well you may get your chance, good luck with that
5
We will all grow old, if we are fortunate to live long enough. If you can afford it plan for it. Keep in mind that much of it will be beyond your control, regardless. So please be charitable in the meantime.
2
A wonderful upbeat piece by Bert Stratton - what a terrific dude and what a great read, his "Live, From the Nursing Home"!. As someone still on the right side of the daisies, still not having turned up my toes, am grateful to hear something good about nursing homes. And Donald Hall at 86 is really a curmudgeon, but has been one for decades and the leopard (Atlantic Poetry Editor in the Year Dot) doesn't change his spots. The world (not only just in Florida) is turning grey. Sleep is still raveling up our sleeves of care. May we see more optimistic riffs "from the nursing home". Bless Bert Strattpn and his Klezmer guys!
9
Not everyone want's to die under the thumb of a corporation that would kick them to the curb if they suddenly ran out of money. But if that's your thing then go for it. Leave me the "lonely" farm house. My friends can visit me there as easily as in a "home". It's only lonely if that's the way you made it. Lonelyness has nothing to do with how many peolle are near you. The next time you go back to the "gardens" really look hard at people. Take off those rose colored glasses and really see the lonelyness. I saw plenty of it visiting my grandmother. We kept mom at home and I'll take the same.
98
How well stated. I did elderly home care for 6 years. All who were forced into nursing homes died within months. One 89 year old man went from being almost totally self sufficient, (I did his laundry) to dying within 6 months of placement in a nursing home. Another 94 year old who only depended on me to do her shopping also died within weeks of being paced in a nursing home. I went to visit her. Her defeatist attitude was shocking. She had literally given up on life and felt that she was no longer a capable functioning member of society and hated every moment she spent there until her death. Rose colored glasses indeed. The elderly are forced to give up everything most of us hold dear; our privacy, our children and grandchildren being able to visit freely, our independence, our PETS, our homes, gardens, our very essence of who we are. I am 56, so far from ready yet, but I have jokingly told my children to take me out to the back 40 and shoot me rather than sending me to a nursing home or retirement community. I'd rather be dead than to be so stifled and live such a regimented life. Many of us enjoy solitude. To not be able to gaze out my window at a cardinal dancing in the gentle snow falling in the woods behind my house, nor watch the antics of my 2 energetic dogs as they wrestle in the snow, nor wait breathlessly for the first rose bloom in my garden, not able to display my needlework that I labored over, nor the countless things that make up my world; I'd rather be dead.
31
My sentiments exactly. Some people are so afraid to be 'alone', but being alone and 'loneliness' are two entirely different things. One can be solitary but not feel lonely and conversely, one can be surriounded by others but feel very lonely indeed.
I can't imagine I'd feel better simply because I'm in a nursing home 'surrounded by others'???
I can't imagine I'd feel better simply because I'm in a nursing home 'surrounded by others'???
25
What a lovely thought to spend ones last days in a lonely farmhouse.
3
My mom loves the companionship, and has made a life for herself there.I don't think I would be happy. Mother's retirement years now number thirty.She has been in a nursing home for nine years.
8
I've told my kids that i would live in their garage and do house work before they put me in a home. I'm with Livia (Tony Soprano's mom) on this subject. I was a hospice volunteer for 5 years . I've seen all kinds of facilities , they are nothing but geezer warehouses .Multigenerational families used to be the norm . this business of putting your parents away so you can get on with your life is just not right .
55
That's absurd. If you were able to live in their garage and do house work, there would be no reason to put you in a home. You could still be living independently. That's not the person who ends up in a nursing home--or even assisted living.
But what if you had dementia and couldn't be left alone while your adult kids worked? What if you couldn't make it to the bathroom unassisted--or even use a bedside commode without help? What if you were bedridden and needed to be turned every few hours to prevent bedsores and had to have your adult diapers changed frequently?
Do you expect your kids to provide 24/7 care? Do you really want them to give up their jobs, their own independence and activities to be your nursemaid for a decade or two? Is caring for you more important than caring for their children? Do you have the money for a full-time aide--3 shifts a day, 7 days a week? Do they?
But what if you had dementia and couldn't be left alone while your adult kids worked? What if you couldn't make it to the bathroom unassisted--or even use a bedside commode without help? What if you were bedridden and needed to be turned every few hours to prevent bedsores and had to have your adult diapers changed frequently?
Do you expect your kids to provide 24/7 care? Do you really want them to give up their jobs, their own independence and activities to be your nursemaid for a decade or two? Is caring for you more important than caring for their children? Do you have the money for a full-time aide--3 shifts a day, 7 days a week? Do they?
14
My dad had dementia, but he never forgot music. Go figure.
Keep on playin' Mr. Stratton - who knows - you may not need 105 after all.
You might be able to just keep playing, and playing, and playing. Hope so.
Keep on playin' Mr. Stratton - who knows - you may not need 105 after all.
You might be able to just keep playing, and playing, and playing. Hope so.
37
My dad and stepmother moved into a retirement home almost at the last minute - within two years, they were both gone. It was a very nice place, with activities, etc., the kind of place I would not mind ending my time in. Their relocation gave us kids peace of mind - help was close at hand when they needed it - but right up to the end, my father missed his house.
14
Try to avoid the for profits nursing homes. Most church denominations support one or more in a given area of a state, those tend to be the best bang for your money.
35
Blessings on you for bringing good times to nursing homes.
Sadly the positive experiences you've shared are not enjoyed by many less fortunate residents of other nursing homes.
My mother was in one of the well regarded facilities in our community. When they got an unfavorable review from the state regulatory agency, the administrator told the families that we should expect a lower level of care while staff "worked off" the deficiencies.
As for insurance, the intake person was dismissive when I gave him the information about my mother's long term care insurance. "It doesn't matter. First we take everything she has, then we put her on Medicaid."
And perhaps he was right. After years of working as a nurse, she really had never been able to accumulate any assets. The nursing home insurance was all she had.
So I've vented. I do wish I saw a way in which we could simply pay a monthly premium and be assured of the level of humane care you describe. All I can say is it didn't work for my mother despite all our efforts to find a good facility and all her sacrifice to pay for nursing home insurance for years.
Sadly the positive experiences you've shared are not enjoyed by many less fortunate residents of other nursing homes.
My mother was in one of the well regarded facilities in our community. When they got an unfavorable review from the state regulatory agency, the administrator told the families that we should expect a lower level of care while staff "worked off" the deficiencies.
As for insurance, the intake person was dismissive when I gave him the information about my mother's long term care insurance. "It doesn't matter. First we take everything she has, then we put her on Medicaid."
And perhaps he was right. After years of working as a nurse, she really had never been able to accumulate any assets. The nursing home insurance was all she had.
So I've vented. I do wish I saw a way in which we could simply pay a monthly premium and be assured of the level of humane care you describe. All I can say is it didn't work for my mother despite all our efforts to find a good facility and all her sacrifice to pay for nursing home insurance for years.
52
It depends on the person and on the nursing home. I don't particularly like group activities or socializing with others much, and the thought of being in that situation horrifies me. As a result, this article makes me feel worse about nursing homes, not better. I also expect some nursing homes are better than others, probably based on the wealth of those who live their or their families. I suspect a home that pays to bring in a live band is probably serving the wealthier end of the continuum.
85
My mom was in an extended care facility for the last 1-1/2 years of her life. She didn't want to go, but her failing health and our distance and work schedules did not allow us to help her everytime she needed it at her house.
She was healthier and more social than many, we attended dinners and the fun activities they had there. She tried some of the activities and settled on a few. She befriended a few ladies and enjoyed mostly the meals with them.
I think some of these places are really good, the facilities with wealthy residents accustomed to busy social lives and educational opportunities. But most of those folks miss their homes and the lives they once had. Even if there is solitude, being in the house they raised their kids, in the neighborhood they have known for many years, near their churches is what they would prefer. She missed her home. We felt bad about that.
I hope for you that you are one of those exceptional seniors who continues to liven and entertain the lives of others, and I hope I'm that way too. The one thing I learned about the later years with my mom is that we take it one day at a time, because feelings change often.
She was healthier and more social than many, we attended dinners and the fun activities they had there. She tried some of the activities and settled on a few. She befriended a few ladies and enjoyed mostly the meals with them.
I think some of these places are really good, the facilities with wealthy residents accustomed to busy social lives and educational opportunities. But most of those folks miss their homes and the lives they once had. Even if there is solitude, being in the house they raised their kids, in the neighborhood they have known for many years, near their churches is what they would prefer. She missed her home. We felt bad about that.
I hope for you that you are one of those exceptional seniors who continues to liven and entertain the lives of others, and I hope I'm that way too. The one thing I learned about the later years with my mom is that we take it one day at a time, because feelings change often.
39
It isn't so much the home they miss, it's being "young" and able, by which I mean between 65 and 75. I finally figured out that I can't give my mother the only thing she wants, which saddens me, but helps me understand where the two of us have ended up.
13
I think it's great that Stone Gardens has become "Disneyland for the Elderly on the Cuyahoga", but from my experience it's by far the exception, not the rule. I'm in over a dozen of these places a week. They range from private and expensive to Medicaid -funded and, let's say, not quite as nice. None offers the breadth and range of activity Stone Gardens does, most fit the bill described by the poet. On the bright side, however, the author has presented us with a new choice. We can stay in our own homes, or make plans to move to Cleveland.
35
The author is describing an assisted living facility, which is quite different from a nursing home. I think the article was misleading in this regard.
3
There is "assisted living" which might give one a sense of community and then there are nursing homes. In the former health might be relatively good, even with a walker and wheelchair but that is generally not the case in the latter, whether due to infirmity of body, mind or both. Not much community there and not much singing and dancing. What Mr. Stratton is describing also is not cheap and available only to relatively few, even with insurance and the sentiments expressed by Mr. Hall are unfortunately sometimes much more accurate.
I wish Mr. Hall long-life in Eagle Pond Farm, New Hampshire.
I wish Mr. Hall long-life in Eagle Pond Farm, New Hampshire.
22
My mother has been in a nursing home since last May and the experiences you describe bear absolutely no relationship to what I have observed. Firstly, there is a tremendous difference between nursing homes and assisted living facilities. I am glad your mother and relatives were well enough to go on regular excursions, eat whatever they felt like and have comfortable, single occupancy rooms. Obviously, they were not wheelchair-bound, which is the norm for most if not all nursing home residents. Upscale places such as you describe are extremely expensive and far beyond the means of most Americans--even with long-term care insurance. The vast majority of elderly in nursing homes are on Medicaid, which requires you to impoverish yourself five years before you apply for the program (this may soon go up to seven years).
The people you have met are upbeat and happy. I have not met one person--not one--in the eight months I have regularly visited my mother whom I would call satisfied. When they are not senile and uncommunicative, they are deeply unhappy and the one desire they all have in common is to, somehow, get the hell out of there and live in their own home.
I would simply suggest that you have been looking at these places through incredibly rose-colored glasses.
The people you have met are upbeat and happy. I have not met one person--not one--in the eight months I have regularly visited my mother whom I would call satisfied. When they are not senile and uncommunicative, they are deeply unhappy and the one desire they all have in common is to, somehow, get the hell out of there and live in their own home.
I would simply suggest that you have been looking at these places through incredibly rose-colored glasses.
170
This is absolutely correct. The author has obviously never visited a Medicaid nursing home, where most of the "residents" are drugged into oblivion because the nursing staff is inadequate to care for them all, where two residents are crammed into a room smaller than my Freshman dorm room, where the smell of urine and decay (or chemicals to cover the smell of urine and decay) is pervasive. Nursing home? No thanks.
16
It is important to prepare for some type of long term care by saving while we are young (ish), but having endured a nightmare with a well known long term insurance carrier both on the paying end with my mother-in-law and when we tried to obtain long term care insurance, and we are self insuring. Be cautious when dealing with long term care insurance.
74
My mother ended up in a nursing/rehabilitation center for the last 6 weeks of her life, most of it on private pay. She had resisted assisted living before, in large part because she was quite sure she would not be accepted into the social swirl and would feel the worse for it. She chose to stay at what was essentially a nursing home (they and others informally referred to the facility that way) because she wanted the care they could offer her at that time, the sense of safety of having a call button and nurses 24/7 and doctors and nurse practitioners to examine in a timely way and treat, etc. etc. (She also was worried about keeping the carpet in her apartment clean, and she liked the food at the center.) She would not have chosen to live in a nursing home while there was any expectation she would try to socialize with the other residents. And she had a very negative experience of the one roommate she (briefly) had at the center. But there was a time and place for her to be in a nursing home, and both she and I were grateful for there being such a resource to meet her needs.
12
There are pluses and minuses to home vs. retirement home. Isolation is a real issue for folks who stay in their own home. As a pastor I have seen folks cling to stay 'in my own home,' who actually blossomed when they were finally admitted to a facility. Suddenly this person who was totally alone 23 hours a day or more has meal companions, goes to bingo, religious services, baking parties, discussion groups and is hardly ever in his/her room.
My present church is near a large Presbyterian retirement community. Quite a few of our members live there. For the most part they are happy, have made friends in the community, and engage in a variety of activities (the place ranges from independent living - cottages, apartments, townhomes - thru assisted living to full nursing care). Even the folks in the full care area can have very active lives with activities and socializing, if they are able.
While one gives up some choice and control in the assisted living or nursing areas, I have come to believe that being home alone or with a care-giver is actually a much lonelier way to spend the final months/years of life. Sadly, many seniors have little choice either way. Communities such as the one I mention are expensive to say the least and out of the reach of many folks who might be happy in such a place.
My present church is near a large Presbyterian retirement community. Quite a few of our members live there. For the most part they are happy, have made friends in the community, and engage in a variety of activities (the place ranges from independent living - cottages, apartments, townhomes - thru assisted living to full nursing care). Even the folks in the full care area can have very active lives with activities and socializing, if they are able.
While one gives up some choice and control in the assisted living or nursing areas, I have come to believe that being home alone or with a care-giver is actually a much lonelier way to spend the final months/years of life. Sadly, many seniors have little choice either way. Communities such as the one I mention are expensive to say the least and out of the reach of many folks who might be happy in such a place.
57
This is a wake up call for baby boomers and those of us who are a bit older than them. Living with other people is good. The issue is making the environments ones we choose. There should be more options and more resident input in retirement communities. Living in a for profit retirement community is only one option. There need to be others. Private space is certainly an important feature that evryone deserves at all ages.
19
I've been listening to Coltrane and Stravinsky for all of my adult life. Does that come before or after bingo?
4
I a happy to see a wildly different opinion. An dthibk - if only - all nursing homes were well run, really had a variety of appropriate programs and -- private rooms! The ability to have a private space is simply not an option for almost all of the nursing home residents - it takes an extraordinary amount of money, or equally extraordinary insurance.
But leaving aside the obstacles, you are right - there are benefits to being in a communal living space, and a lot of negatives to existing alone and isolated in an outside community in which you really have become invisible.
Brown Eyed Girl - great choice! That thing about the pop hits of the 40's -- even my 92 yr old mom likes a lot of 'boomer' music. And I've noticed that the ages in her home include a lot of people younger than me ( 68). Here's to better nursing homes and music all the way!
But leaving aside the obstacles, you are right - there are benefits to being in a communal living space, and a lot of negatives to existing alone and isolated in an outside community in which you really have become invisible.
Brown Eyed Girl - great choice! That thing about the pop hits of the 40's -- even my 92 yr old mom likes a lot of 'boomer' music. And I've noticed that the ages in her home include a lot of people younger than me ( 68). Here's to better nursing homes and music all the way!
12
The thing about nursing homes is that you're not really getting a choice about who you live with, who you see on a daily basis. Maybe I'm weird, but I am never more miserable than when I've come home from a meeting or gathering of some sort where I seem to be on a totally different wavelength from everyone else. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I remember the daughter of a friend coming home from her first semester of college, happier than she'd ever been. She had felt alienated in her small-town high school and in a larger setting was finally able to find "her people" -- people she didn't even know existed. I remember a class I took in college where I felt the same way. Not that we didn't have different opinions, just that we were the same sort of people who valued many of the same things.
I'm pretty sure I'd rather be alone in my house with the books and things I love and the occasional visitor more than be surrounded by people with whom I feel I have little in common. And the idea of feeling pressured to go to activities that have been scheduled for me (well, for the group) is not appealing.
I may end up in a nursing home eventually and hope my attitude is as good as the author's. But there are introverts and extroverts, people who are very social and people who prefer solitude, people who don't like being alone with their thoughts and people who are natural born philosophers. One size does not fit all at any age.
I'm pretty sure I'd rather be alone in my house with the books and things I love and the occasional visitor more than be surrounded by people with whom I feel I have little in common. And the idea of feeling pressured to go to activities that have been scheduled for me (well, for the group) is not appealing.
I may end up in a nursing home eventually and hope my attitude is as good as the author's. But there are introverts and extroverts, people who are very social and people who prefer solitude, people who don't like being alone with their thoughts and people who are natural born philosophers. One size does not fit all at any age.
303
My sentiments exactly. Thank you for stating them so well.
23
Thank you! I too am an introvert, love to be at home with radio, garden, dogs, cats, homemade bread and soup. I like our monthly singing groups and the occasional dinner with friends, but about 2 hours of socializing is my limit. I'm 75 and, after a stroke at 65, discovered the rejuvenating power of Tai Chi and Qi Gong that have kept me moving better that I would have thought possible when struggling through the year after the stroke, or thought would be counted as desirable when I was 40. Very little money, but a lot of quiet joy.
18
I live in a retirement center and never go to any of the events. I am an artist, still working and an old alternative culture person who lived in Mexico for awhile. . I needed affordable rent so grateful for the apt and living with my collection of art and folkart. I prefer solitude and also have friends in the community here after decades. If I won the lottery, I'd move asap.
6
When my now departed wife put her parents into Stone Garden, the first thing they did was to tell her father that he could not have his evening drink of scotch. It was not health for him. Really.