Having been raised by parents like you, and having grown up in an old money town while I now live in one with plenty of flashy new money, I will give you one recommendation - raise them in an old money area where people worth $100 million drive to work in 10 year old cars because they don't care. In such places, the schools are excellent and people aren't obsessed with money.
9
I think that, as in anything, everything depends on context. I sacrificed a lot to give my children the trappings of an upper-middle class life: private schools, elite high schools, super elite colleges. I am a single parent, not a high wage earner, from a blue-collar family, but I wanted my children to have the opportunities that I never had. My kids went to those elite schools all on scholarships and now their career paths are set. I am very proud of them and their accomplishments, but it turns out it is a zero-sum situation: they have forgotten what it is like to struggle, and they take for granted that what they have is because of others who have struggled before them. My children are standing on the shoulders of giants and yet they discount any of the contributions that others have made to their success (I am not talking about myself, I am talking about feminists and civil rights leaders). More importantly to me, they have lost some of the (Asian) cultural values that I had hoped to instill in them; perhaps I had downplayed these values because I wanted my children to succeed on purely American individualistic terms. They have, but I feel a great loss because I would have wanted my children to care about others more, instead of just about themselves.
12
Not to be a pretentious dweeb, but you could also say that all necessity is manufactured: manufactured by the human systems like schools, money, "work", etc that surrounded you, and ultimately manufactured by your own mind and choices. We create our own conceptions of necessity, and then are driven by them.
You could also argue that necessity, as a mental strategy for organizing one's world, is a great way to obviate the burden of freedom.
You could also argue that necessity, as a mental strategy for organizing one's world, is a great way to obviate the burden of freedom.
1
Finally, an article by a parent which I'm totally down with! This author GETS IT. Giving your kids everything and even more is not to your kid's benefit because being hungry is an essential key to motivation.
5
The key is to learn that life is a struggle whether you are affluent or not. The trick is to learn how make the most of what you have.
3
I really enjoyed this soul searching article. I think some adversity can be great for kids. A year after my Coombian husband died of cancer, I took my two sons, who were 10 and 12, to live in his home town outside of Bogotá. It was the best thing I've ever done. My memoir of the year is called Seeking Saúl.
2
Any job that requires focus, concentration, and instills a worth ethic at the earliest possible age builds character and teaches so many skills one will use throughout life. What a shame for any kid to go through adolescence without a job outside of the family unit. Not only will the child learn the value of money, he/she will learn why it is worthwhile to do well in school and strive for better as an adult.
2
A lovely piece.
Minimum wage jobs are not dead ends. They are a learning experience. Entry into the real world. Understanding the value of work.
Most people don't stay there. They learn and progress.
Minimum wage jobs are not dead ends. They are a learning experience. Entry into the real world. Understanding the value of work.
Most people don't stay there. They learn and progress.
7
I know quite a few parents today whose children are over 21, yet do not work and are still supported by their parents. I expect that many of these will be supported for most of their lives. I think many of us making a big mistake by giving our children everything and not expecting them to work for it. My own son probably did not have to work in high school or college, but did. Today he has a well-paying job and is totally independent. I think that young people gain many things by working: an ability to interact with many different types of people; the knowledge that they can become economically independent; and the understanding that anything worthwhile in life is not free, but must be earned.
5
In my small city, poverty is high. There are no jobs, and what would have been jobs for high schoolers in the '60's are now filled by the hundreds laid off during the recession. As a result, the dropout rate is high, and kids have lost hope. I appreciate the essay, and at the same time, I am worried about the future with the millions of children who are living in generational poverty with no opportunity to escape.
1
Appreciate this essay and comments. And would add that many of us who learnt the satisfactions of necessary work (and high standards thereof) were modeling our parents whose sacrifices for us (even if not talked about) were noticed, appreciated and esteemed. It is, in part, that generous image which drives us to spoil our kids despite not wanting them to be spoiled. We want to demonstrate generosity and sacrifice ourselves but we don't know exactly how.
1
Ms. Ellison, you were born wise with a fine head on your shoulders. You accepted the world you lived in without fighting it, rolled up your sleeves and took it in stride and it paid off. Paid off not only for you, but your children, and you had the smarts to take them back to where you started 'Look at this. What do you think?' It can take courage to do this, and many of us when we become parents, prefer to keep our children insulated from the fear of poverty and hard times.
Important work? Perhaps the most important of all, if you give yourself well-deserved credit and have time to think about it on occasion. There are privileged children who have a 'Turunga' of their own and their hard-working parents are doing everything possible to make their offspring believe that unfortunate things only happen to others, and not to them.
Your children may keep it a secret from you but in their hearts, they are proud of you, and you've given them another helping hand. You've done yourself proud, and helped some others of us in remembering that one can continue with some effort, in expanding our views on Life and Love, along with some good laughter and food for the soul.
Important work? Perhaps the most important of all, if you give yourself well-deserved credit and have time to think about it on occasion. There are privileged children who have a 'Turunga' of their own and their hard-working parents are doing everything possible to make their offspring believe that unfortunate things only happen to others, and not to them.
Your children may keep it a secret from you but in their hearts, they are proud of you, and you've given them another helping hand. You've done yourself proud, and helped some others of us in remembering that one can continue with some effort, in expanding our views on Life and Love, along with some good laughter and food for the soul.
1
Perhaps the author already knows this but there is research showing a moderate amount of struggle in life builds resilience/ drive but too little (e.g. wealthy sheltered kids) or too much (e.g. kids living in war zones) does the opposite.
Like the author, I also worked my way from newspaper route to receptionist to science lab during my teen-college years to pay for school and any little extras. Our family lived in the poorer parts of town then.
A few years ago, I was visiting another town and stayed at a modest Airbnb rental. At a meeting I went to, my colleagues who were locals in the town were genuinely concerned about my safety that I was staying in that neighborhood because it wasn't an upper-middle-class/ wealthy area. While I thought it was nice they were thinking of my safety, I thought to myself, I grew up in a worse neighborhood so to me that Airbnb place was hardly "the hood."
Like the author, I also worked my way from newspaper route to receptionist to science lab during my teen-college years to pay for school and any little extras. Our family lived in the poorer parts of town then.
A few years ago, I was visiting another town and stayed at a modest Airbnb rental. At a meeting I went to, my colleagues who were locals in the town were genuinely concerned about my safety that I was staying in that neighborhood because it wasn't an upper-middle-class/ wealthy area. While I thought it was nice they were thinking of my safety, I thought to myself, I grew up in a worse neighborhood so to me that Airbnb place was hardly "the hood."
5
A very insightful essay. My childhood was much like the author's. I worried about the same things, and my husband and I tried to steer the middle ground between indulgence and making them work every free minute in high school and college, as I needed to do. I realized at some point that the life I could offer them was only "privileged" by comparison to my own. What we had as a modicum of security, not affluence, and that enabled me to offer them the kind of security I never felt as a child or a young adult struggling financially. Financial security does more than reliably put food on the table and pay the bills. It removes the constant strain & worry that can color everything and that children feel even it it's never discussed. I finally decided that. like most parents, all I was doing was giving them the best I could, just like my parents did. It isn't giving kids expensive toys, vacations, etc., that spoils them. It's when those things are a substitute for attention, affection & appropriate limits that you run into trouble.
1
I've seen a couple of issues arise from people protecting their kids from this kind of work. One guy I know graduated from college without ever having held a job. He had no work experience, no references, and not even a good grasp of what to say during a job interview when asked about things like, "describe for me a project or job experience that went well, and why..." or the converse of that. Or about interactions with co-workers. Who wants to take a chance on that?
I can understand why people don't want their kids to work over a Fry-o-later. But I'm not sure it will be best for the kids in the long run.
I can understand why people don't want their kids to work over a Fry-o-later. But I'm not sure it will be best for the kids in the long run.
4
A great exposition of the reason each child should have varied employment in the teenage years, no matter his/her socioeconomic status.
3
Nice piece. I was an orphan...became a ward of the state of New Jersey. Boy did I work to get out of that....to prove I was good enough. Now I am in the upper 0.5%. Hard work, grit, diligence, determination, perseverance, conscientiousness pay off in America. Figure out how to give those traits to youngsters and we will have winners. That does not mean deprivation. But, I must say, most of the richest most privileged kids in my hifalutin Ivy League class turned out to be the dissolute lazy folks in the class, turned to drugs, etc. Tough to figure what's a curse and what's a blessing while we are living it. But.....to feel love...to be unconditionally loved by parents and to know it....that, I declare, is route to happiness.
2
Thanks for the thoughtful reflections. I came from a similar background--broke but not quite poor, although always on the edge and never, ever financially stable or secure. We probably should have gotten free school lunches, I got one pair of shoes a year, and I never had enough clothes to make it through an entire school week. But we had food, and, thankfully, orthodontia! I started working summer jobs at age 12, but my parents wouldn't allow me to work during the school year. I almost always hated the jobs I had, especially in the food service industry. What I realize now was that my parents were trying to teach me to value education, to know that prioritizing it would mean I could someday escape low-wage fast food work; and to always treat with respect those people who lacked the education or opportunities to avoid such jobs themselves. Sometimes I think every middle-class and rich kid in America should have to work for a summer at McDonalds or the equivalent.
It's shocking to me the number of young people who arrive at my organization for their first job. And, I don't mean first job out of college, or first professional job. I mean very first job. And, you can tell. They have no idea how to keep a schedule, respond to a supervisor, or in some cases follow simple instructions.
Slinging burgers, working a cash register, parking cars, or some other kind of menial labor teaches life skills far beyond the actual task at hand. I think holding such a job should remain an integral part of growing up.
Slinging burgers, working a cash register, parking cars, or some other kind of menial labor teaches life skills far beyond the actual task at hand. I think holding such a job should remain an integral part of growing up.
3
I love this essay; it resonates deeply with me and mirrors my own conflict.
All of the suffering I experienced by age 21 nearly did me in psychologically and emotionally, but it shaped me and made me strong.
I, too, worry that my own children aren't developing the skills that enabled me to outwit, outlast and triumph over incredible adversity. But the line "it's impossible to manufacture necessity" is what I've come to accept.
I would harm my children more by being the wealthy parent who doles out "tough love" and withholds financial help and perks, so I won't take that approach because, in reality, nothing was withheld from me. It was just that my too-young, divorced parents (one a violent alcoholic and the other an overwhelmed, unprepared single mother) had absolutely nothing to give me financially, emotionally or psychologically.
Only time will tell if having a secure, generous childhood somehow weakened my children, but I don't think it has. My oldest has worked each summer since he turned 16 without any prompting from me (in fact, I told him he didn't have to work) and the youngest is already trying to get her first summer job. They are both frugal and have good grades, nice friends and compassionate hearts.
A therapist told me not to give adversity the credit for how well I did once on my own; she told me to take the credit. So if it wasn't adversity that helped me, that means it wouldn't necessarily help my kids, either.
All of the suffering I experienced by age 21 nearly did me in psychologically and emotionally, but it shaped me and made me strong.
I, too, worry that my own children aren't developing the skills that enabled me to outwit, outlast and triumph over incredible adversity. But the line "it's impossible to manufacture necessity" is what I've come to accept.
I would harm my children more by being the wealthy parent who doles out "tough love" and withholds financial help and perks, so I won't take that approach because, in reality, nothing was withheld from me. It was just that my too-young, divorced parents (one a violent alcoholic and the other an overwhelmed, unprepared single mother) had absolutely nothing to give me financially, emotionally or psychologically.
Only time will tell if having a secure, generous childhood somehow weakened my children, but I don't think it has. My oldest has worked each summer since he turned 16 without any prompting from me (in fact, I told him he didn't have to work) and the youngest is already trying to get her first summer job. They are both frugal and have good grades, nice friends and compassionate hearts.
A therapist told me not to give adversity the credit for how well I did once on my own; she told me to take the credit. So if it wasn't adversity that helped me, that means it wouldn't necessarily help my kids, either.
grateful for your lovely portrayal . . . and the words "But it's impossible to manufacture necessity." Making the best of what is ours, however we arrived, for our children's wholeness -- the wish of a devoted parent. Indiscretions must have been truly small!
Loved this essay, very thoughtful. I remember my father worked 2 jobs and went to school at night to earn a college degree. A grueling schedule. He graduated at the top of his class at 32 year old. At the time there were 4 of us kids and a stay at home mom. When my father graduated, a reporter came to get the story. A call-out quote in the story was my father saying: "I hope my children will have it easier and can go to college during the day!" Well, my father went on to a very successful career and we had a great life but then he tragically died young from a heart attack. However, in his will he left hefty college funds for each of us and all of us kids never had student loans to contend with. He was taking care of us even after he died. I never forget this or take it for granted. And I have always worked hard for what I get like my Dad did. Maybe it's impossible to manufacture necessity but if you are a caring parent and a hard--working role model, I think that is best of all. And it sounds like you are.
You're right to raise the question. It's central. I only disagree about your comment that "it’s impossible to manufacture necessity". The expectations in your household -- of who is responsible for what and what happens if it doesn't happen -- is up to you. Young teenagers can be in charge of real jobs, and be the ones others go to (or complain to) if these are not done. In ours, we rotated until the children chose their own jobs: from the age of 11 or 12 my son did the core grocery shopping, in charge of keeping track if we had the basics, using money from a petty cash box and keeping track of receipts. My daughter chose the laundry (because it mattered to her). If the jobs didn't get done, I deferred to them -- and forced myself not to intercede. Beyond that, each did his/her own ironing. I cooked and they cleaned up. As they got older, we rotated; if you cooked, you didn't do dishes. They had small allowances; when they turned 16, both got jobs. These are small things, perhaps, but there was nothing artificial about any of it. I worked full time and needed their help, and they knew it.
But it sounds as though you're doing a great job. Your children are lucky.
But it sounds as though you're doing a great job. Your children are lucky.
The link that I followed to reach this article asked, "By providing my children with a better life, was I also depriving them?" I would answer that it depends how they use their opportunity. When I was in college, I had to work during the summers, and I had to earn decent money. So I waitressed and worked at a Ticketmaster call center. Meanwhile, classmates whose parents were better off were able to take summer internships that advanced their intellectual and academic interests, or that allowed them to do some good in the world (much as I love him, selling tickets to Springsteen concerts doesn't really help humanity). In the abstract, I suppose I gained some respect for how hard waitresses work, but I would have loved to be free of the fear of not earning enough to cover my expenses for the following year, and to this day I wish I had had the opportunities my classmates enjoyed.
1
First I want to say: spoiling children and insulating them from pain and other harsh realities of Life (doing "their crying for them" as it was put in the Joan Crawford classic "Mildred Pierce"), does nothing but create unreal expectations for them as adults, and leaves them completely unable to fend for themselves as adults. I work at a university and I hear about it everyday: students not showing up to class, doing mediocre work, then panicking when they find they will get a bad grade. I recently heard from some Stanford graduate students that the undergrads there were nothing impressive, that professors were asked to curve the grades so that none of the students would fail, and that undergraduates were pleading with professors to cut them some slack when it came to getting an "A" (yes, the Stanford professor changed the student's grade from a "B" to an "A"). These are the children of the children of the Baby Boomers, so go figure: all that privilege eventually adds to...what? Inept adults?
That said, the current economy is not rewarding the few who are committed to being mature, hard-working adults. THAT is perhaps the biggest difference between twhen Ms. Ellison grew up and her own children. There isn't much incentive these days to "do well" - since hard work and dedication may not pay off. I've known "A" students here at the University who graduated with technical degrees but who are working as baristas and store clerks because the jobs just aren't out there.
That said, the current economy is not rewarding the few who are committed to being mature, hard-working adults. THAT is perhaps the biggest difference between twhen Ms. Ellison grew up and her own children. There isn't much incentive these days to "do well" - since hard work and dedication may not pay off. I've known "A" students here at the University who graduated with technical degrees but who are working as baristas and store clerks because the jobs just aren't out there.
May sound cynical - But no matter what we do, as years pass by, we always second guess our act of raising the children. Do the best you can and leave it to random events that occur. We do nto live in a deterministic country.
I greatly enjoyed Jan Ellison’s description of the many benefits she accrued by working at so many different jobs in her youth. Her story is as compelling a case against raising the minimum wage as I have encountered. How sad that so many of today’s politicians have successfully advocated to use government force to deprive low-skilled workers, such as teenagers in poor families, the opportunities she had to develop her valuable work habits and help her family. No amount of cherry picked (and flawed) studies showing no loss of employment opportunities will help the many unemployed youth (especially African American youth: over 40%!) who will not gain the many essential life-changing lessons and perspectives she describes in her column. And she worked from age eleven! Did she secretly buck child labor laws? And now the same ill-informed and self-righteous pundits who support an above-market minimum wage are agitating to eliminate unpaid internships!
Ms. Ellison's wonderful column is powerful testimony to the many non-wage benefits of working at so-called menial jobs. I only hope that some day well-meaning but economically ignorant politicians will come to understand that.
Mike Wilson
Ms. Ellison's wonderful column is powerful testimony to the many non-wage benefits of working at so-called menial jobs. I only hope that some day well-meaning but economically ignorant politicians will come to understand that.
Mike Wilson
1
Even if one can't "manufacture necessity," it is important to provide children with the knowledge and responsibility that goes into running a successful household. Let them know (when they are old enough to understand) where the money in the paycheck goes. Give them chores and provide a moderate allowance if possible. Model fiscally responsible behavior; don't go on a shopping spree while avoiding auto maintenance or dental work. If teenagers can handle a part time job, great, but those jobs are harder and harder to come by so they may have to obtain skills elsewhere. My own children didn't get jobs until college, but we taught them how to budget, save, and shop wisely with their allowance and any odd job dollars they earned.
Unfortunately today there are fewer and fewer workplaces that will tolerate an employee with a broken down car, a bout of the flu, or any other minor emergency that causes a missed day of work. The ability to right one's boat after an unexpected expense is much more difficult today, and many families never recover.
Unfortunately today there are fewer and fewer workplaces that will tolerate an employee with a broken down car, a bout of the flu, or any other minor emergency that causes a missed day of work. The ability to right one's boat after an unexpected expense is much more difficult today, and many families never recover.
14
My husband and I both came from middle class backgrounds and we both worked throughout high school and college to put ourselves through school. We are now much better off than our parents were but we did not just hand everything they wanted to our children. All of our kids have also worked in high school and college. We pay their tuition, they pay everything else. I believe this teaches our children what it is like to have to work for what they want or feel is important. Of course they always have us a a huge safety net but, they know that we are only a last resort.
8
My wife and I are expecting our first child. Having both overcome poverty, we are stricken with similar thoughts and concerns regarding our child's upbringing. I think that embedded in all our concern of wanting to raise a self sufficient child is perhaps a somewhat self aggrandizing idea that your child must suffer as you did so that they become the same "amazing" and "resilient" person as yourselves. But who hasn't encountered the family with opposite outcome siblings (one achieving success while the other struggles) or counterexamples from both sides of necessity (the friend who rose from poverty vs. the friend who did not escape, the friend who couldn't survive without the trust fund vs. the family dynasty). The author couldn't have said it better: "They view the world through individual lenses, and perhaps those lenses are shaped not so much by blessings or deprivations but by their own natures."
10
Having grown up in a poor single-parent household, the societal shame of food stamps, broken-down family car and tiny apartment motivated me to pursue college and my own road. I've never shared granular details of my childhood with my two daughters. They already know the world can be a brutal place. They also understand that they have an advantage that I didn't. Self-awareness and internal pressure to achieve should be plenty for teens in today's world. Let the past go. Build a future. The world keeps evolving.
19
Awesome, awesome, awesome essay. Many thanks to the author for sharing. "I can’t say that any of this was important work, but the act of doing it mattered." Words to live by as I plan my escape from the Baltimore slums.
39
I agree with Michael. It's not the fact that it's important work, but the act of doing it. I tried to instill this on my 2 sons and it worked. Today, my youngest son, whose 1st job was at Six Flags theme park helped him to get through community college and then through loans and work study, obtained a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work. He now is sharing an apartment with his best friend and has a good paying job working for the state of Wisconsin as a social worker. He also just recently purchased a new car with his EARNED money. My oldest son is a supervisor at Office Max and his 1st job was also at Six Flags theme park. Proof that the act of doing a job matters as it can be a stepping stone to doing whatever you want to do.
My parents grew up in very humble if not poor homes. My father is a doctor as am I but growing up without the necessity noted here nearly ruined me. It was only in college that I developed the drive and work ethic that gained my entry into medical school.
My brothers have not yet found their own personal drive. It may sound strange but for upper middle class kids there can be a sense of resentment towards their high achieving patents when they fail to easily attain a similar level of income and lifestyle. I will agree with others that for young men sports can be a great way to learn about hard work and perseverance if there are not financial difficulties to overcome in obtaining a college degree, car, computer etc. I learned more from running track in college where I was not the best or most talented as I had been in high school than I ever learned having a comfy home life and leisurely spent summers.
My brothers have not yet found their own personal drive. It may sound strange but for upper middle class kids there can be a sense of resentment towards their high achieving patents when they fail to easily attain a similar level of income and lifestyle. I will agree with others that for young men sports can be a great way to learn about hard work and perseverance if there are not financial difficulties to overcome in obtaining a college degree, car, computer etc. I learned more from running track in college where I was not the best or most talented as I had been in high school than I ever learned having a comfy home life and leisurely spent summers.
7
Why can only young men learn about hard work from sports? Girls and women play sports too and learn the same lessons.
Articles like these often produce a lot of handwringing about whether America's kids are going to be too soft. There's no need for handwringing, because prosperity is cyclical. Her kids may grow up never having to work at a McDonald's, and maybe living pseudo-wealthy middle-class lives, but eventually there will be a future generation of this family that will be downwardly mobile. Unless we're all destined to become aristocrats (which were aren't), middle-class prosperity is temporary at best. Probably this writer's great-grandchildren will work at a McDonalds. Just like thousands of American kids do today... but they don't get approached to write about their lives in the New York Times, which is a newspaper for well-to-do people who assume their branch of the family will always be well-to-do.
5
When someone speaks up on behalf of what others are experiencing but are not able to articulate, or place into words adequately, it can be well received and a gift. We already have heard from a young person who read what Ms. Ellison has to share, and it has renewed his efforts to leave what he describes as 'the slums' of a big City. He can do it, and we can use a reminder from an author who has been well received, not only from the privileged readers of the New York times, but most likely from other less elite if more popular publications as well.
When working for a hard-working rich man in the Towers at Rock Plaza, I made a generous paycheck typing, while enjoying the Times' crossword at lunch, and reading two other more entertaining newspapers. It's been years since I've left off with the puzzle, and now that I am retired and belong to the 'New Poor', it is in the Times that I am finding such gems and inspirational writings, without feeling that one day I am heading for the Road of Bankruptcy. If I could have a burger from McDonald's as well, it would be happily devoured, but perhaps one shouldn't get too greedy.
When working for a hard-working rich man in the Towers at Rock Plaza, I made a generous paycheck typing, while enjoying the Times' crossword at lunch, and reading two other more entertaining newspapers. It's been years since I've left off with the puzzle, and now that I am retired and belong to the 'New Poor', it is in the Times that I am finding such gems and inspirational writings, without feeling that one day I am heading for the Road of Bankruptcy. If I could have a burger from McDonald's as well, it would be happily devoured, but perhaps one shouldn't get too greedy.
Thank you for your thought-provoking comment! Perhaps of everyone internalized these truths, we would be less inclined to view wealth as a reflection on personal worth or value.
I am in the generation that has not achieved as much (economically, professionally) as my parents. It does feel shameful and hard, though health struggles beyond my control played a role in this.
My mother gave me everything she might have wanted but did not have as a child without sharing the difficulty in getting there (beyond stories of working in a cannery one summer when she was young) and I grew up perceiving the work of being an adult as much easier and less complex than it truly is.
Adult life is very complex, and there is much more than hard work that contributes to a comfortable life.
I am in the generation that has not achieved as much (economically, professionally) as my parents. It does feel shameful and hard, though health struggles beyond my control played a role in this.
My mother gave me everything she might have wanted but did not have as a child without sharing the difficulty in getting there (beyond stories of working in a cannery one summer when she was young) and I grew up perceiving the work of being an adult as much easier and less complex than it truly is.
Adult life is very complex, and there is much more than hard work that contributes to a comfortable life.
1
Saying you can't manufacture necessity has an either/or attached to it: You either give your kids absolutely nothing and make them work for every single thing they have, or, just because you can, you give them everything they want and more so they never have to struggle.
There is a huge middle ground there that can be used to give kids a life that includes all of their necessaries and some fun/extras but leaving certain luxuries/extras to them to earn the money to pay for.
There is a huge middle ground there that can be used to give kids a life that includes all of their necessaries and some fun/extras but leaving certain luxuries/extras to them to earn the money to pay for.
5
I take your point but you make Tujunga (where my my mother has lived since the mid-80"s) sound like Camden or Detroit. You're in CA, on Foothill Boulevard, drive or even walk a bit in either direction and another town.
2
We never do anything on our own; life is a lottery (gift). The 'hand up' society we used to have made all the difference for many - even if the difference was not as marked as in your case. Catholic school, an aspirational university like Stanford, and the current geographic locations of your adult siblings suggest a family with the good fortune and good genes of imagination, intelligence, security, and drive - priviledge. I share your values but currently the dignity of labor has been eroded and self-reliance has been twisted into a hyperindividualism that serves as a rationale for a venal and rapacious sliver of society. BTW, I started work at 8 and didn't quit until at 63 I became one of the victims of disinvestment in education by the state of Georgia. All three of my children worked from high school on. People don't need starvation to 'drive' them; most want meaning and the satisfaction of achievement.
4
It's not a new problem- you can find this worry in ancient Greek and Roman writings- and probably in cuneiform.
"You can't manufacture necessity..." Ah, you've fallen prey to exactly the problem you fear for your children; you've taken the easy path presented to you, for parenting. Beware.
Yes; you CAN "manufacture" necessity- it requires active oversight on your part, so your children learn, and understand what and why. The other way to open eyes- is to actively work to show privileged children - the non-privileged. Do not take them only for vacations to Disney-All. Take them also to vacation in Bangladesh. And stay- until they SEE.
"You can't manufacture necessity..." Ah, you've fallen prey to exactly the problem you fear for your children; you've taken the easy path presented to you, for parenting. Beware.
Yes; you CAN "manufacture" necessity- it requires active oversight on your part, so your children learn, and understand what and why. The other way to open eyes- is to actively work to show privileged children - the non-privileged. Do not take them only for vacations to Disney-All. Take them also to vacation in Bangladesh. And stay- until they SEE.
4
One does not have to travel to Bangladesh or a developing country to instill in one's children a sense that it's a big world out there and that people from all over the globe can use help. There are excellent children's organizations such as UNICEF with books, maps and crafts that can be introduced along with Disney, to establish a balance and remind not only children but a great majority of us that it might do us well to expand our vision on the plight of the less fortunate here in America, but on a global-basis as well.
1
I grew up in Sunland/Tujunga as well, though probably a decade or so before the author. I've lived in Southern California much of my life but I haven't been back there since my 20s. And it's not because I didn't care for it. On the contrary I have so many wonderful memories growing up in a lower middle class desert outpost of the San Fernando Valley. But that world seems as mythical now as any fiction.
2
My childhood was like the author's. My kids grew up in relative comfort. And yet, they turned out fine. Hard working, happy young adults. We tried our best and with luck it all worked out well. We are grateful.
4
As I was reading this wonderful article it brought me back to my days as a dishwasher in one of those classic silver diners built in the 40's and 50's. By the time I started working there in the early 70's it was old but it was also the main hang out for everyone in my small town in upstate New York. To be honest I hated working there but it was the best paying gig a kid could get and the owner was a really good guy who would always slip us a few extra dollars after a tough night.
It turns out I learned a lot of things about life and work in that little diner. When it was slow I would sit and listen to the waitresses and cooks talk about bills and kids and marriage and all the things adults had to deal with in getting by and raising a family.
Jan, thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your life.....
It turns out I learned a lot of things about life and work in that little diner. When it was slow I would sit and listen to the waitresses and cooks talk about bills and kids and marriage and all the things adults had to deal with in getting by and raising a family.
Jan, thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your life.....
6
I, too, worked while in high school, having once earned employee of the month, but, I swore I would never asked my kids to work while in high school, as I saw what happened to my studies. Yes, I was once employee of the month after working a Thursday, 4 till close. (close was 10 or 11, plus cleanup) Friday till close. Opened Saturday at 8. And worked Sunday till close, at which time the Coca Cola canister blew up all over the prep room. At what time does a child study when they have to be to work by 4 and don't get home till after bedtime? Only to be back up at seven for school. And Newt Gingrich thinks they should clean toilets ------ after Newt.
4
Regardless of what one can or cannot afford to give their children (I'm somewhere in between), we would be doing no favors for them if they were not not encouraged or required to work as teenagers, in whatever capacity.
We forget that odd jobs in those early years makes them more competitive in the workplace later. So many teachable moments in those experiences. It also exposes them to people they would not meet in their ordinary social circle.
Poverty and lack of opportunity shows in a person, often in a negative manner but equally so can privlege. Nothing is more distasteful to me in a young person than a sense of entitlement.
We forget that odd jobs in those early years makes them more competitive in the workplace later. So many teachable moments in those experiences. It also exposes them to people they would not meet in their ordinary social circle.
Poverty and lack of opportunity shows in a person, often in a negative manner but equally so can privlege. Nothing is more distasteful to me in a young person than a sense of entitlement.
3
Thank you. We immigrated here and live in well to do suburbs. The material and cultural gap between our childhood, and our teenage daughter's, is extreme. We avoid being tiger parents, but she is motivated to take difficult courses at school. This takes up a lot of her time. She tried a job but had to cut back on her hours due to the volume of schoolwork. So we tend to give her a pass on the chores, but worry about her life skills. The biggest challenge is the amount of time that seems to sink into the smartphone or internet.
I wonder how the Gateses bring up their kids??
I wonder how the Gateses bring up their kids??
2
Well, from the little I've read, the Gates plan to give the majority of their money to charity and not their children, although give their great fortune, it's still a lot.
I remembered an article about Michelle Obama where she required her children to clean their own rooms and make their own beds daily even though the White House has maid service.
I'm not a parent but I've been a child and we were expected in my family to both get good grades AND still do some chores. And we did both without getting any type of allowance or reward -- it was simply expected. Don't let your kids be that young man who still had his parents doing his laundry in college because he didn't know how to operate the washing machine! True story -- this was my parents' friends' kid.
I remembered an article about Michelle Obama where she required her children to clean their own rooms and make their own beds daily even though the White House has maid service.
I'm not a parent but I've been a child and we were expected in my family to both get good grades AND still do some chores. And we did both without getting any type of allowance or reward -- it was simply expected. Don't let your kids be that young man who still had his parents doing his laundry in college because he didn't know how to operate the washing machine! True story -- this was my parents' friends' kid.
There are some studies that show that youth employment is strongly correlated with family income. Today's kids from low income families are much less likely to work when compared to their peers from high income families. So rather than spreading the myth that children of the rich don't work, its important that this paper address the fact that today's children of the poor don't have the opportunity to work. A great example of research into youth employment related to family income: http://www.northeastern.edu/clms/
5
I grew up in a wealthy town, went to a huge high school and knew exactly one person with a job in high school, and even then he only worked one or two days a week.
Sure you can manufacture necessity. We told our kids we would pay tuition, room, and board for college and maybe a little more but if you want more spending money in high school and college then you need to have summer jobs. Both learned they wanted to have better jobs than retail and waitstaff, and they are also very kind to people in low-level jobs. They leave big tips and prod us to do so, and they are not the ones leaving a mess by throwing around folded shirts in a department store display!
14
My parents told us (there are eight!) that they would provide our "needs" and that we must work for our "wants".
3
There are many former children of privilege who are hard-working adults. However, the level of appreciation they have for their circumstances and empathy for those less fortunate varies.
1
Our society is increasingly stratified. For the kids in my neighborhood, the issue is not just that they don't have to work, it is that no one they know has to work. The jobs teenagers take here are almost all high status ones like intern in a science lab, or working at parents' law firm, and are usually ones structured as learning experiences for the kids. That is really different than being hired to do a job that just needs to be done. Doing a hard job that isn't an obvious stepping stone to your planned career teaches you how to take pride in showing up, getting it done, getting along with coworkers or customers, and, hopefully, instills respect for people who work these jobs for life.
12
Exactly right, Maliah. And we see the fruits of this high status psuedo-employment today in the workplace with people who think that "entry level" (doing whatever is asked, showing up on time, not calling in sick every other week, getting work done, getting along with coworkers) is beneath them, somehow degrading. My fast food job in high school taught me how to work, and learning how to work is the most valuable thing I ever learned. I also worry that my child will never have this lesson, hard as it was.
Great Article. My teenage years were much like this as well. I was glad to be able to help out my family. However, I would not let my kids do it , I would rather they spend the time studying or doing sports, music or art camps. I think most kids who grow up in affluent households are not spoiled despite the stereotype, they understand what kind of path you need to choose to live the same affluent lifestyle and it is not working in a greasy fast food place. For example, non athletic child who spends his time building a robot for a science competition is far ahead of the skills a fast food worker learns.
7
I really beg to differ. There are transformative experiences for which there is no substitute. What is described here is one such example. All the ballet, robot-building and lacrosse lessons aren't going to build the character of a person that knows the value of working for survival and self-sufficiency.
If your core value is to have an "affluent lifestyle", I'm sorry for your kids. A kid who works in a "greasy fast food place" may learn the value of compassion for someone who can only afford a $1 sandwich, the value of diversity, needing to interact with many different kinds of people. These are skills. And they benefit others, not just oneself.
Ms. Ellison, this is a conundrum with which many immigrant families are all too familiar. But thank you for drawing attention to it. My parents left behind impoverished lives to come to America. They swore they wouldn't 'have their children suffer the way they suffered.' Their solution to keeping me humble? Kind of like you in physically returning to your roots; only mine involved the cost of airfare to the Philippines to see how the other half still lives.
2
Ms. Ellison, if you can communicate with your children as you have with us in this elegant essay , they will be just fine. As a father of three daughters , I thank you for your thoughts.
12
Many adults in our generation have grown up feeling the same way….that it is our fondest hope or duty to provide a better future for our children. Yes. True. A worthy endeavor. But by pursuing that ambition beyond common sense and reality, we have created a generation of entitled and self-serving children. We are NOT "burdening their childhoods with unnecessary work" if we insist that they understand the value of work early enough in their lives that it leaves a positive imprint on their future. Household tasks in exchange for an allowance can start the process. Additional dollars in their pocket to spend on the extravagances they have come to expect as necessities should (at least partially) be funded by their own neighborhood jobs as cashiers at the grocery, or mowing the neighbor's yard or shoveling the snow-covered sidewalks. This is not too much to ask and will be amply rewarded in the future by an early understanding that nothing is free and that things of value require work.
14
A few years ago, my daughter was selected by our local Business First newspaper to be one of the 40 under 40 up and coming top business leaders in the community. There was a luncheon given in their honor where a biography of each person was read. The group was very diverse, socially, racially etc, but the one common thing they all had in their backgrounds was that they started working when they were 12-13 yrs old, and ALL did menial jobs such as Ms Ellison describes.
I truly believe that is the only way for a child to learn a work ethic. If this is considered "beneath" their intelligence and class, then they'll always be entitled. They MUST learn that no honest work is "beneath" anyone. They must learn how much owning the latest smart phone or tablet costs, not just to buy but to own.
There are ways your children can learn what you did without you having to move back to Tujunga. They can mow lawns, they can babysit, they can shovel snow, they can clerk at a local store, they can wait/bus tables. It may take some work finding these jobs for them, but that is YOUR job. My eldest grandson who is not quite 15 has been mowing lawns since he was 12. He now mows 4 lawns and has a 5th on standby. He loves having the money and figuring out how much to save and how much to spend and on what. When he went to squash camp, he paid for part of the cost.
Don't deprive your own children of what you learned by working hard.
I truly believe that is the only way for a child to learn a work ethic. If this is considered "beneath" their intelligence and class, then they'll always be entitled. They MUST learn that no honest work is "beneath" anyone. They must learn how much owning the latest smart phone or tablet costs, not just to buy but to own.
There are ways your children can learn what you did without you having to move back to Tujunga. They can mow lawns, they can babysit, they can shovel snow, they can clerk at a local store, they can wait/bus tables. It may take some work finding these jobs for them, but that is YOUR job. My eldest grandson who is not quite 15 has been mowing lawns since he was 12. He now mows 4 lawns and has a 5th on standby. He loves having the money and figuring out how much to save and how much to spend and on what. When he went to squash camp, he paid for part of the cost.
Don't deprive your own children of what you learned by working hard.
4
I did not write unnecessary work, but unnecessary worry. I don't think there is such a thing as unnecessary work if a person is being paid a wage to do it.
I grew up in a home that technically had more than enough money. The key is to not spend it too freely meeting every imaginary need. My brothers and I all worked through high school because we were expected to, and turned out very ambitions overachievers. My family could have bought a thousand of the toys, fancy cars, material goods, luxury foods, decorations and accessories that other families had. We just didn't spend all the money we had available. Now we kids are in our 40's and mom and dad are in their 70's and 80's. The money dad saved back then has grown through investments and we have enough for huge all-expenses-paid whole-family vacations. They are so worth it. There will be enough extra for the grandchildren to go to college without debt and a well-cared-for retirement for my parents. Saving most of your money now to show your kids some scarcity pays off a thousandfold in 30 years. Try it.
6
Or even if they save and invest and just don't NEED the kids to help pay for their own lives when they retire! I grew up in a middle class family -- no excesses, but not poor. Other kids in our circles had families with more fancy stuff, spiffier houses, etc. But we went to good schools, and my parents saved energetically. Now I hear about HS friends of mine who have to send money to their parents every month because those parents (who had great incomes all along) didn't save. I am grateful to my parents for their planning!
My children have a life I could only dream of as a child and its not one filled with material wealth. My pledge to their health and well-being includes a stable, loving household, commitment and sacrifice. So far they seem to be happy and are looking forward to all the tomorrows in front of them. To put a comedic spin on it, I will quote Joan Rivers, "A true sign of successful parenting is when your kids can afford their own therapy."
Ellison is right to be concerned. Although it may be "impossible to manufacture necessity" of the kind her birth family experienced, it would be appropriate for her children to understand that all family members should eventually contribute to maintaining the household they share -- through chores and other acts of responsibility and generosity if not materially. And although her children may not need to help the family buy essentials or to earn their own college tuition, they will certainly want things that in the end they will value only if they help pay for them.
2
What a wonderful essay! This is exactly what I'm going through with my own children. I'm torn between protecting my children from the adversity I've experienced and spoiling them. I'm not sure where the balance is. I feel a lot depends on the innate nature, not nurture, of children themselves. We can only suggest and teach what is "proper" way in our society and they will choose the path they want to take. Too many parents feel guilty that they have done something wrong for their children's behavior, but at the end, children themselves observe, choose, and dictate their own paths.
6
There are many kinds of "work" opportunities for youth. I worked at menial jobs from age 11, 20 hours a week year round through high school along with sports and then full time professional work 24 weeks a year through college. Only the professional work was particularily useful experience and paid for college and living expenses. The high school pay was terrible, $5 to $6 an hour in 2013 dollars and I was never able to save a dime. The college job pay started at $21 an hour and paid all of my expenses.
Our children had summer jobs from high school on, not nearly as many hours as me, but were better paid and had many other unpaid development experiences. They contributed to their public university expenses.
Sometimes unpaid "work" can be more valuable in character and career development than sweating over a fat fryer for peanuts. Justifying low minimum wages as a good thing for teens who need the money is a self serving rationalization.
The new $15 an hour minimum wage in Seattle will allow teens and adults to pay the bills and have time for other important, non-paying education and experience as well.
Our children had summer jobs from high school on, not nearly as many hours as me, but were better paid and had many other unpaid development experiences. They contributed to their public university expenses.
Sometimes unpaid "work" can be more valuable in character and career development than sweating over a fat fryer for peanuts. Justifying low minimum wages as a good thing for teens who need the money is a self serving rationalization.
The new $15 an hour minimum wage in Seattle will allow teens and adults to pay the bills and have time for other important, non-paying education and experience as well.
2
I think we each respond to our childhoods in uniquely individual ways. My childhood was materially comfortable and intellectually rich, but emotionally barren. I worked hard to escape both the inner-ring suburb where I grew up and the emotionally absent parents who were afraid of not having enough, despite relative economic security. Each of us finds their own motivation!
3
This kind of responsibility is something that, unfortunately, is lost when we are raised in prosperous circumstances. Still, I have to say that the kids I grew up with, almost none of whom had to work, almost uniformly excelled at their chosen professions. They were far more successful than kids from less prosperous backgrounds.
6
JOSH: I discouraged my children from working while in high school and college. I told them that getting an education was their primary responsibility and that anything they earned would be small change compared to what they would earn once they began their careers.
1
I am honored the piece has sparked such a thoughtful, intelligent conversation here. Thank you, Josh, for initiating it.
1
Build volunteer work into your children's lives, especially with those less fortunate.
16
Like the writer, I worked as soon as I was able, because I wanted things that my parents couldn't provide... we weren't poor, but we didn't have extra. I worry now, when I pay someone to clean the house, drive a nice car, or take vacations with our 3 year old... Since you can't manufacture necessity, what will motivate her? I hope that my wife and I do a good job at driving her until she's able to find that drive herself. The intent isn't to insulate her, but give her a more comfortable life than that which I lived. For better, or worse.
15
She'll be just fine. Your own example is more important than anything else. If you and your wife are responsible and hard working, your kids will follow your example.
14
True, we are all a product of our experiences --- in the commonality of our imperfect yet predictable human nature which has changed little over time.
Consider the recent college graduate who got a job on Wall Street, working with money. His father had also made a career at one of the big multi-national banks, one that had grown too big to fail.
http://lifeamongtheordinary.blogspot.com/2015/01/hamiltons-liberty-and-p...
Consider the recent college graduate who got a job on Wall Street, working with money. His father had also made a career at one of the big multi-national banks, one that had grown too big to fail.
http://lifeamongtheordinary.blogspot.com/2015/01/hamiltons-liberty-and-p...
3
I was raised in privilege, with plenty of money, and it was a happy, fulfilling childhood too! I'm a hard worker and fiscally responsible. It is your relationship with your children that will make them whole people-- don't fret too much about the details differing from your own life.
58
What a wonderful article, thank you! Families go through generational cycles, as Thomas Mann explored so well in his masterpiece, the Buddenbrocks, written when he was only 21 yrs. old!
10
Change the name of the city and the college and this wonderfully talented writer could have been describing my childhood. That upbringing shaped who I am today just as the one we gave our children shaped them, for better or for worse.
Right after our first was born, I was fretting about raising him well, what would I use as a template, surely something more than the parochial blue-collar German post-war subdivision of Milwaukee where I grew up. Best friend who happens also to be a psychiatrist said, tongue in cheek: Relax. Do your best, save enough for their therapy and no one can fault you.
Of course there was no money for therapy in my childhood family and I suspect they'd have said no need for it either, if it would have ever crossed their minds. Dad once said, I don't care whether you're successful but that you're a good person, that's my job.
Dad's wisdom was spot-on: a parent's most important task is to raise good persons, no matter the milieu.
Right after our first was born, I was fretting about raising him well, what would I use as a template, surely something more than the parochial blue-collar German post-war subdivision of Milwaukee where I grew up. Best friend who happens also to be a psychiatrist said, tongue in cheek: Relax. Do your best, save enough for their therapy and no one can fault you.
Of course there was no money for therapy in my childhood family and I suspect they'd have said no need for it either, if it would have ever crossed their minds. Dad once said, I don't care whether you're successful but that you're a good person, that's my job.
Dad's wisdom was spot-on: a parent's most important task is to raise good persons, no matter the milieu.
37
Any devoted, concerned parent wants to shield their child from pain and suffering, even to the point of having our own.. Our own memories and experiences define the pain and suffering we're trying to shield them from. The mistake we make is thinking that protecting them from the things we experienced will protect them from all pain and suffering.
Both, unfortunately, are inevitable.
It's natural to want to shield our children. It's just as natural, but sadly delusional, to believe that that shield is complete, or impenetrable.
Our goal as parents is not to save our children from pain or suffering, it's to help them through it when it inevitably occurs.
Both, unfortunately, are inevitable.
It's natural to want to shield our children. It's just as natural, but sadly delusional, to believe that that shield is complete, or impenetrable.
Our goal as parents is not to save our children from pain or suffering, it's to help them through it when it inevitably occurs.
21
It's NOT impossible to manufacture necessity. Parents hand on to children imperatives of all kinds, including those dictated by affluence. It is possible to impart to children awareness of the burdens (financial and others) of their pursuits, and to invite them into work that matters to them.
20
The author's concerns touch at the core of the uneasy feeling that many first and second generation immigrant parents have about their Americanized kids' upbringings. It is good to know that we are all in the same boat whether or not we are "fresh off the boat".
18
As a second-grader in 1949, I used to walk home from school, 1-1/2 miles. It was fun and interesting.
Now, my grandchildren are bused from home to school and back, always under the thumb of professional authoritarians.
Violent opposition to authority would be a logical outcome. I fear that we are raising scores of clocktower snipers.
Now, my grandchildren are bused from home to school and back, always under the thumb of professional authoritarians.
Violent opposition to authority would be a logical outcome. I fear that we are raising scores of clocktower snipers.
5
Not clocktower snipers, but dependent, uncreative kids who can't fend for themselves and fold at the slightest adversity. Overprotective helicopter parenting has been an unmitigated disaster: kids need the freedom to explore on their own and take risks, to experience the scarped knees that teach us to face more difficult challenges later in life.
24
Part of the problem are the authorities. When my youngest was in the 5th grade he wanted to ride his bike to school. Because there was a busy street the elementary kids were bused. The neXt year he would be walking to middle school, across from the elementary school. He was not allowed to, only if I rode with him everyday and picked him up. I could not write a waiver, nothing. It was frustrating.
1
Excellent article, having desire and strong work ethic is a powerful combination. One of the things I look for now when sourcing new talent in my company is if the candidate had struggles growing up and how they dealt with them and used those experiences to grow. One tends to learn more when off balance.
8
These testimonials, in addition to my and my husband's own lives, are why I do not think the American Dream is dead, despite a consistent barrage of NYT articles trying to tell everyone to give up, the deck is too stacked against them. I agree that the current coddling way we are raising our kids is necessarily the best; I see that in my own kids who are so proud when they accomplish even a small task on their own. Kids from most walks of life can get ahead. A lot also depends on the individual kid though; how did your siblings turn out, and your neighbors' kids? What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.
9
I think it's important to note that this person's family may have been 'broke' but they weren't actually 'poor' in today's terms She was able to attend private schools where she received an education that enabled her to be accepted at Stanford. She could attend private classes in gymnastics. She was able to find jobs as a teenager that are going to underemployed adults today. She mentions worries about repairing a refrigerator or paying for college, not fears of being hungry or homeless. I think we have to agree that the deck was not stacked against her. I'm not so sure that most inner city youngsters today are as fortunate.
15
Having worked with adolescents for the past 32 years or so, I will say that the absence of struggle and the expectations of comfort are net losses for American youth. Ironically this just the kind of thing my father's generation imagined - where toil is replaced by exciting experiences. We have compensated through "rigorous curricula," camps, organized sports, community service requirements, and lots of worry-free activites with awards. Most youngsters seem to become good people, but I wonder if they will ever know the relief of a good night's sleep after a day of hard work or the thrill of a seeing your name on a small paycheck.
35
I think like many parents, I struggle to ensure my kids (all boys) develop the values that will serve them in life. Perhaps there is nothing as valuable as the experience expressed in this essay, but I hope that contributing to the running of our home will help. I also think that sports builds the tenacity that might be missing when kids don't see their parents struggling with their finances month to month (not that such is lacking today across america). I see my oldest son building tenacity on the soccer pitch and basketball court. Ironically (and sadly), the NYT sport section has an article on the financial barriers to some of these opportunities. I've been pleasantly surprised to see my boys observe in themselves, through sports, band, reading, and homework, the benefit of individual and repetitive work, practice, and drill. Sports participation is not so they can become professional, it's to build values (teamwork, doggedness, fairness, and sometimes the entropy of life). In our home I also try to get them to participate in the big and little (repetitive) acts of keeping us moving forward. Putting their laundry away, emptying the dishwasher, pushing the mower, painting (a bit), etc. It's not to develop the skills, help get the task done, or build a work ethic, but more to build an understand of "what it takes:" how often our laundry runs, how many dishloads we go through, and the relentlessness of time (on the grass, on the paints, etc.).
15
Wonderful article, and with minor variations in local, jobs, and school, mirrors my own experiences growing up. For me it was part need but also a desire to work for my own spending money, which gave me a sense of independence I wanted. Arriving at college and now later in life, I wish that I had balanced the work with other experiences that my peers had been able to experience, even though I felt many of them lacked an understanding of "the real world" where excess money didn't exist.
Having children now 8 and 9, we likewise want to instill a solid work ethic while balancing school demands and extracurricular activities. While they are too young for jobs yet, we've started giving allowances for doing certain work around the house, and are beginning to have them use their allowance for things we had previously paid for (movie tickets, for example) to teach about choices. We continue to have them participate in various activities after school to expose them to things I didn't have time or money to explore to see what may interest them and want to become more deeply involved in.
It is our hope that we can create a sold work ethic through a combination of working hard at school, outside activities, and jobs, whether they constitute "employment" or just volunteering or being a positive contributor to society in some way.
Great article! I think it will speak to a lot of the readers.
Having children now 8 and 9, we likewise want to instill a solid work ethic while balancing school demands and extracurricular activities. While they are too young for jobs yet, we've started giving allowances for doing certain work around the house, and are beginning to have them use their allowance for things we had previously paid for (movie tickets, for example) to teach about choices. We continue to have them participate in various activities after school to expose them to things I didn't have time or money to explore to see what may interest them and want to become more deeply involved in.
It is our hope that we can create a sold work ethic through a combination of working hard at school, outside activities, and jobs, whether they constitute "employment" or just volunteering or being a positive contributor to society in some way.
Great article! I think it will speak to a lot of the readers.
7
I think about this all the time. My father was problematic, caused a lot of strife to our family growing up, and my sister and I realized early on that we had to make it on our own. We both ended up happy in great situations.
I'm a lot different w/ my sons, trying to be the father that I would have liked. But, in the back of my mind, I"m not sure I'm doing as much harm as good. Impossible to answer.
I'm a lot different w/ my sons, trying to be the father that I would have liked. But, in the back of my mind, I"m not sure I'm doing as much harm as good. Impossible to answer.
11
Bravo to you for doing it differently!
2
I have the same concerns.
I think the key difference is that our parents weren't stable, responsible men who chose to teach us the value of a dollar by putting us through hell.
I think that to purposely choose to make my children's lives less easy is what would really mess them up.
And I can't be what I'm not; I'm not irresponsible, selfish, reckless, addicted, violent or unaware of the emotional needs that could drive me into dysfunction. My kids are stuck with a loving, responsible, stable, generous parent...
I think the key difference is that our parents weren't stable, responsible men who chose to teach us the value of a dollar by putting us through hell.
I think that to purposely choose to make my children's lives less easy is what would really mess them up.
And I can't be what I'm not; I'm not irresponsible, selfish, reckless, addicted, violent or unaware of the emotional needs that could drive me into dysfunction. My kids are stuck with a loving, responsible, stable, generous parent...
This article resonates with me.
As a child, for awhile I slept on a blanket on a concrete floor because my dad had to save up for a mattress. I frequently had not enough to eat and I started working at age nine saving $5 per week from my paper route for college. My dad died when I was 17 leaving my mother to care for 7 children. He left me $10 in his will and I gave it to my mother.
I did go to a State college working numerous part time jobs to pay for it. I earned two engineering degrees and provided my family with a standard of living that was unthinkable to me as a child.
My children turned out well in spite of not experiencing need. I wanted them to focus on their education. Flipping burgers might teach them to value their position in life, but it would take away hours that could be devoted to study.
They developed a thirst for knowledge and two of three graduated from Ivy League colleges. They are now thriving professionals.
This is indeed a great country. But it's harder to repeat this story for the current generation.
As a child, for awhile I slept on a blanket on a concrete floor because my dad had to save up for a mattress. I frequently had not enough to eat and I started working at age nine saving $5 per week from my paper route for college. My dad died when I was 17 leaving my mother to care for 7 children. He left me $10 in his will and I gave it to my mother.
I did go to a State college working numerous part time jobs to pay for it. I earned two engineering degrees and provided my family with a standard of living that was unthinkable to me as a child.
My children turned out well in spite of not experiencing need. I wanted them to focus on their education. Flipping burgers might teach them to value their position in life, but it would take away hours that could be devoted to study.
They developed a thirst for knowledge and two of three graduated from Ivy League colleges. They are now thriving professionals.
This is indeed a great country. But it's harder to repeat this story for the current generation.
34
I was raised quite poor, but besides the lack of money, it was the instability that bothered me the most. My husband and I felt like you, and our kids only worked in the summer, never during the school year, as we had to. My husband and I put ourselves through college and wanted more for our kids. So far they are doing well and it makes us both feel good that they didn't have the pressure that we did.
1
T-U-J-U-N-G-A!
Best little city in the U-S-A!
And i think it was Jan & Dean who rhymed Tujunga (tah-HUNG-gah) with Cucamonga.
Amazing how that vast sprawl of SoCal can generate so many small town experiences.
Best little city in the U-S-A!
And i think it was Jan & Dean who rhymed Tujunga (tah-HUNG-gah) with Cucamonga.
Amazing how that vast sprawl of SoCal can generate so many small town experiences.
5
From 1975 to the late 1990s, we raised our kids very comfortably on our five-figure income, in a neighborhood--a state--where the average income was about 2/3 of ours. Neighbors lived in ancient trailers, cellars that hadn't yet grown a house atop them, tarpaper shacks that had long ago lost their tarpaper... our home has always been in-progress, yet always very nice. We could afford all necessities and some treats. Our kids never had to work outside the home.
But they had to do real (and unpaid) things within the property. Because kids are part of the family.
Mow the lawn. Paint the steps and the glider swing. Take their turn doing the family laundry. Vacuum and dust. Mend your clothes. Weed the garden, help with harvest and canning and freezing. Bake bread, cookies, pies from scratch. Make supper every night, from scratch.
It was lovely to drive up to our house after work with my husband and see the silhouette of one or another child bending over the counter or stove, and open the kitchen door to the fragrance of a good meal.
Learning these basic skills gave our kids a basic confidence that nothing could erode.
But they had to do real (and unpaid) things within the property. Because kids are part of the family.
Mow the lawn. Paint the steps and the glider swing. Take their turn doing the family laundry. Vacuum and dust. Mend your clothes. Weed the garden, help with harvest and canning and freezing. Bake bread, cookies, pies from scratch. Make supper every night, from scratch.
It was lovely to drive up to our house after work with my husband and see the silhouette of one or another child bending over the counter or stove, and open the kitchen door to the fragrance of a good meal.
Learning these basic skills gave our kids a basic confidence that nothing could erode.
46
"But they had to do real (and unpaid) things within the property. Because kids are part of the family."
Oh, yes!
This sentence should be on a big poster in every home where there are kids.
Oh, yes!
This sentence should be on a big poster in every home where there are kids.
Wonderful essay addressing a very common, perennial but critical problem in a very thoughtful manner. There are no black or white answers to this topic. However, author has put her perspective very nicely.
42
If I had kids I wouldn't know what is best for them. Spoil them rotten, or teach them "it's a competitive, dog-eat-dog" world out there. I was raised similar to how Jan describes her bringing up. And I'll tell you you never can shake it off - the feeling of frugality is in your psychic DNA.
10
I think sometimes it's the opposite. My father was quite poor in the depression and yet, money went through his fingers like water. He could never hold on to it, yet that didn't stop him from trying to live good!
1
Been there, done that, and as hard as it was, I wouldn't trade it, because if growing up had been easier, I wouldn't have a tenth of the tenacity I do now. I got through 3 degrees without a penny of loans or a cent from my family, by working multiple jobs and going to school full time as well as doing co-op education. I waited tables, worked in the library worked for the a/v department, ran a recycling program at the co-op housing apartments in exchange for discounted rent, worked a Saturday a month at a food co-op for 15% off groceries, worked at the campus bookstore, and participated in paid psych experiments. And sometimes I ran out of food or was late with rent. I ate leftovers or "mistake" orders from the restaurant where I worked. I had no time for a social life or "college experience" - but I survived, and got A- grades. Sure, they'd probably have been A+ grades if I hadn't had to work - but at least I did it on my own, and don't owe anyone.
65
It's wonderful that you were able to take on the challenges that you did when you were younger, and props to you for letting that shape who you are today. Really.
But this response rang strangely with me, because I don't think that was the point of this essay. Jan isn't just trying to tell us how much she's been through and how she was able to make it through successfully. She's ultimately trying to answer the question of whether or not her successfully obtained life of comfort is depriving her kids of the same challenging, but shaping childhood she knew. It's more an essay on her challenges as a parent than her successes in her early life.
Just thought I'd point this out before we start trying to "one-up" Jan here.
But this response rang strangely with me, because I don't think that was the point of this essay. Jan isn't just trying to tell us how much she's been through and how she was able to make it through successfully. She's ultimately trying to answer the question of whether or not her successfully obtained life of comfort is depriving her kids of the same challenging, but shaping childhood she knew. It's more an essay on her challenges as a parent than her successes in her early life.
Just thought I'd point this out before we start trying to "one-up" Jan here.
23
Not sure you don't owe anyone. You owe those who taught you anything was possible if you worked hard enough for it. Today it's more difficult but still possible.
Me too. 100% self-financed through undergraduate and top rated graduate school. No subsidies, no loans, no rich parents, not much social life during all this ...but also no whining about the unfairness of 'the system' either.
Surprised at the lack of comments for this excellent article. "You can't manufacture necessity". That says it all. Kudos to Jan.
82
So far, with ten comments in, I'm likewise surprised at how few, but also impressed with their quality, each adding texture to the article itself. Thanks!
17
Teach your children to help keep your household running (in age-appropriate ways). That's one way to foster responsibility and a work ethic.
Congratulations on creating the life you want.
Congratulations on creating the life you want.
46
I think kids are missing something when they don't have a background like that. A sense that they can survive with their own hands, and not being insulated from the situation of people who spend their lives in that world.
39
Excellent essay. One, and only one, very minor difference I must take with the author: 'I can’t say that any of this was important work'. Any honest work that needs to be done is important in its way, however minor or humble. (We may be flexible in the definition of 'honest', since sex workers among others often argue that their work is indeed necessary, and thus honest; it's society that is dishonest in not acknowledging its necessity and making it illegal.) You can impress upon them the necessity of work as an element of integrity and self-respect without the incentive of being one step away from the poorhouse.
74
I think she learned a lot about dealing with people.
4
You're absolutely right. I should have said "work that is universally valued."
Spectacularly on target for a subset of boomers coming of age during the latter quarter of twentieth century mobile America. My wife and I were the first college grads in our family and worked various jobs to pay for college and medical school. Our two currently Ivy educated kids regard the telling and revisiting the sites of this saga with the bemused cynicism of history students recalling the "halcyon days" of yesteryear. My father's view of it was if it didn't kill you it made you stronger. Fact is that tuition costs over ensuing four decades at that college have escalated twenty fold. Recent studies have identified our country's increasing economic stratification. The great challenge is to recreate the opportunities in education and employment which reflect the better angels of our nature. Hopefully the current generation of privileged youth will not waste their golden opportunity to embark on the even more difficult task of restoring the American dream.
62
This is a very wise, thoughtful and eloquent essay.
I can relate, having grown up in a third world country and having raised children in America. I too found that necessity cannot be manufactured. I also found that "it takes a village" can cut the wrong way. For members of my community did not have the same worldview and so neither did my children's peers. So it was an uphill struggle.
However, I was (fortunately) able to impart a sense of mission and purpose to my children. Partly it is about "of those to whom much is given, much is expected". It is also about humility - towards one's good fortune and others' lack of it. It is about dedicating oneself to deserving one's privileges and to making it possible for others to achieve them.
I can relate, having grown up in a third world country and having raised children in America. I too found that necessity cannot be manufactured. I also found that "it takes a village" can cut the wrong way. For members of my community did not have the same worldview and so neither did my children's peers. So it was an uphill struggle.
However, I was (fortunately) able to impart a sense of mission and purpose to my children. Partly it is about "of those to whom much is given, much is expected". It is also about humility - towards one's good fortune and others' lack of it. It is about dedicating oneself to deserving one's privileges and to making it possible for others to achieve them.
50
Such a thoughtful, interesting essay! Self-aware and open-minded. Thanks!
21
As with so many other children of the 50's and 60's I and my friends learned the work ethic not out of necessity but by osmosis. Our parents grew up in the depression and weathered a world war. Even in a culture that still permitted a single earner family to have a good home, a car and to send the kids to college the expectation was that if you wanted more than three meals, school books and a shirt on your back you would earn it yourself.
That is indeed where the Tea Party myth that minimum wage is for teenagers comes from. 1962.
Today those jobs are more for the less fortunate to get by then for the teenage children of the comfortable. So perhaps it is better to not encourage your children to take dead end jobs away from those who really need them.
My son wanted to work and did, as a dishwasher mostly, from his midteens on. He wanted a car and spending money that I could have given him but would not. My daughter didn't work at much of anything until she went away to college.
Either way is fine. They both turned out as solid citizens who got and kept good jobs.
But in reading this article I have a thought. What would you think of encouraging your children to find and take up volunteer work in your community? Good works are work and not all rewards are cash.
That is indeed where the Tea Party myth that minimum wage is for teenagers comes from. 1962.
Today those jobs are more for the less fortunate to get by then for the teenage children of the comfortable. So perhaps it is better to not encourage your children to take dead end jobs away from those who really need them.
My son wanted to work and did, as a dishwasher mostly, from his midteens on. He wanted a car and spending money that I could have given him but would not. My daughter didn't work at much of anything until she went away to college.
Either way is fine. They both turned out as solid citizens who got and kept good jobs.
But in reading this article I have a thought. What would you think of encouraging your children to find and take up volunteer work in your community? Good works are work and not all rewards are cash.
101
I like the thought of having our teenage children refrain from taking jobs that others might need.... While work experience is very valuable for teens, they also need to be taught to think about the fact that while they are earning money for "extras", others might need the job for essentials. (Of course, some teens and younger work for essentials). Even if they have a job, they could be taught to discuss who might need to work holidays for overtime pay -- and be asked to consider letting someone else have those shifts. Not exactly cut throat business sense but teaching those attitudes might make the world a bit nicer.
9
Such a well written piece! So true for people who have come to achieve what they needed through making their own contributions from young!
17