there are those of us who are NOT part of the LGBT community who want you who are to live & to thrive. best wishes.
17
I'm reminded of the beautiful words of Khalil Gibran in his magnificent book, The Prophet:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
11
I'm not LBGT, but I know from my own self-loathing and from attempting to understand how people such as Robin Williams can take his own life, that not everybody makes it through life without killing themselves. Offering transgendered people advice is tempting, but advice alone isn't going to be enough for some of them because sexual issues run so deep in the pathways which determine who we are, or at least, who we believe ourselves to be.
I noticed in reading Leelah's Tumblr suicide note that it was also signed "Josh", her given name as a boy. To me this indicated that this person's conflicted identity was not entirely clear to them, either. This sort of straddling of sexual identities must be very costly emotionally for those who have very little social support for who they perceive themselves to be. Leelah's death also shows the inadequacy of the Internet and social media to be a decent form of social support for her.
Blaming Christianity for Leelah's mother's lack of acceptance for her child is an error in thinking. Although right-wing Christian teachings may disavow any sexual identities that are not heterosexual ones, it doesn't follow that being a Christian consigns one to such a narrow-minded viewpoint. There are many ways to be a Christian. (No, I am not one.)
Not everybody makes it, and we have to be okay with this fact, too. We must be free to make choices for ourselves, even bad ones.
8
As a straight cis-gendered male I owe much of my happiness and well-being in life to my friends who are gay, trans and otherwise gender- and orientation-fluid.
All of us live on a continuum with respect to gender and sexual attraction. Unfortunately a hetero-normative world does not always appreciate this. But as a young person I had the privilege to live among a large gay and trans population so I felt comfortable recognizing and exploring my feminine side. I count these as some of my best qualities. It was very liberating not to feel constrained to live within the narrow confines of thought and behavior that heterosexual males are expected to. I didn't need to play football or have constant sex with women to prove my masculinity. I could just be myself, develop all my qualities and form relationships with people without fear of what it might say about me.
It's gratifying to hear my two kids, now 18 and 20, talk about these issues as just ordinary human qualities. My son's girlfriend identifies as gender-fluid, my daughter's best friend recognized he was gay when he was ten and has been comfortably out ever since. I know they are living in rare pockets where this is the norm, but these pockets are getting larger and more numerous.
So if you're struggling with these issues please know that many of us not only tolerate you but actively welcome you. You have much to contribute to the world because of who you are.
Thank you with all my heart!
All of us live on a continuum with respect to gender and sexual attraction. Unfortunately a hetero-normative world does not always appreciate this. But as a young person I had the privilege to live among a large gay and trans population so I felt comfortable recognizing and exploring my feminine side. I count these as some of my best qualities. It was very liberating not to feel constrained to live within the narrow confines of thought and behavior that heterosexual males are expected to. I didn't need to play football or have constant sex with women to prove my masculinity. I could just be myself, develop all my qualities and form relationships with people without fear of what it might say about me.
It's gratifying to hear my two kids, now 18 and 20, talk about these issues as just ordinary human qualities. My son's girlfriend identifies as gender-fluid, my daughter's best friend recognized he was gay when he was ten and has been comfortably out ever since. I know they are living in rare pockets where this is the norm, but these pockets are getting larger and more numerous.
So if you're struggling with these issues please know that many of us not only tolerate you but actively welcome you. You have much to contribute to the world because of who you are.
Thank you with all my heart!
26
Well said, Jennifer. Thank you for this.
People cannot survive without community and connection--take those away, attack those , deprive, judge--out of ignorance--and bad things happen.
More education is needed so conservative communities--all communities-- may develop perspective, empathy and understanding.
Everyone needs to imagine what it is like to be the person judged--not sit in a throne of judgement, blind, and bully people to be like-minded.
My hope is that transgender curious people, and transgender people in our high schools and colleges have mentors and clubs and "families" supported by administration. This will affect peer culture, and stop isolation and bullying.
And provide books that show the real picture and tell the truth.
People cannot survive without community and connection--take those away, attack those , deprive, judge--out of ignorance--and bad things happen.
More education is needed so conservative communities--all communities-- may develop perspective, empathy and understanding.
Everyone needs to imagine what it is like to be the person judged--not sit in a throne of judgement, blind, and bully people to be like-minded.
My hope is that transgender curious people, and transgender people in our high schools and colleges have mentors and clubs and "families" supported by administration. This will affect peer culture, and stop isolation and bullying.
And provide books that show the real picture and tell the truth.
8
This is definitely going to sound a bit unpopular here but it should be said. On the one hand, I really understand the idea that people need to be who they are. That's true. It also might explain why movies like the "Little Mermaid" and, more recently, "Frozen" are so popular. People need to know who they are and accept themselves as they are.
Now that aside, let me make the more unpopular point. I am a devout Roman Catholic. And I subscribe to and have thought out very well over my life the Catholic position on these issues. We have to be tolerant of other people's beliefs, of their desires, etc. We can't be bigots. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept those beliefs or desires as normative. And there's the rub.
I think we are creating a society that is destroying any sense of normal in favor of "whatever you want to do is okay so long as it doesn't infringe or hurt someone else" and I think that's a problematic position to hold.
I am sorry to say that there are certain things that make men men and women women. To say that gender is a social construction, that comes from third and fourth-wave feminism but it doesn't reflect the reality. I would say the same thing about sex. Some people here are claiming that sex and gender should be considered different things or that there is more nuance here...I am not convinced.
We have to ask ourselves, why people born with male sexual organs desire to be female (or vice versa) rather than simply encouraging this. I don't know.
Now that aside, let me make the more unpopular point. I am a devout Roman Catholic. And I subscribe to and have thought out very well over my life the Catholic position on these issues. We have to be tolerant of other people's beliefs, of their desires, etc. We can't be bigots. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept those beliefs or desires as normative. And there's the rub.
I think we are creating a society that is destroying any sense of normal in favor of "whatever you want to do is okay so long as it doesn't infringe or hurt someone else" and I think that's a problematic position to hold.
I am sorry to say that there are certain things that make men men and women women. To say that gender is a social construction, that comes from third and fourth-wave feminism but it doesn't reflect the reality. I would say the same thing about sex. Some people here are claiming that sex and gender should be considered different things or that there is more nuance here...I am not convinced.
We have to ask ourselves, why people born with male sexual organs desire to be female (or vice versa) rather than simply encouraging this. I don't know.
15
This breaks my heart. I can't imagine the pain Leelah experienced, the pain her parents must feel, or the pain of the driver who was unfortunate enough to be there at the wrong time. As a parent myself, I'm fully aware of my own mistakes--some were dreadful. Things I'm sure I thought were nothing shaped my son's life and colored his experiences. And sexual identity/transgender issues, etc., weren't even part of it. I will think of all these folks for many days, and hope for healing.
6
A wonderful story of courage and fitting in. But it's not really about fitting in. It's more like accepting yourself in a way that helps others to fit in around yourself. It's the only way to fit in without actually doing it. Otherwise life can be a long road uphill that can make you want to get off before the end is reached.
4
This is definitely our next Civil Rights frontier... the replies are powerful, interesting, poignant, heartwarming, and heartbreaking all at the same time.
7
At least where I live this very much a current issue of civil rights.
3
My sadness for Leelah is immense. Everyone deserves support. All lives matter. That transgender people face a greater possibility than others of committing suicide or of being murdered is horrifying. I have no question that people are who they feel themselves to be, but that is not an easy admission for me. I have a cousin who is the mother of a trans woman -- and I grew up in an evangelical, if not fundamentalist, Xn home 70 years ago. As a Xn I accept the reality of this identity, believing it to be a deeply held identity. In addition, however, I take issue with society's too narrow definitions of male and female. Wider definitions, wide as the sky, might help many who do not fit into society's so-called male and female norms.
6
Putting people in an emotionally untenable position is cruel if it is done intentionally. Sometimes it is not done intentionally -- maybe we could call those situations reckless disregard for others. I didn't have the transgender issue, and my parents were anti-religious, not religious, but I did have a deep sense of needing to find other sources for emotional support, and from the time I was eight, I spent a lot of my time growing up with another family. I didn't do it knowingly, it was more like instinct, but in retrospect, I can see what an enormous positive difference it made to me. Why my older sister was unable to find what she needed emotionally as she was growing up, I am not sure (in fact, she was part of why I fled my household as often as I could), but she has not fared well in terms of mental health and is currently hospitalized on issues including self-harm. One thing that has occurred to me and to people from whom I have sought help putting things into perspective is that it was clear from very early on that I would never gain the kind of acceptance from my father that most kids want, and so I moved on and tried to find acceptance elsewhere instead of pursuing a hopeless cause -- I think that if I had been strung along on the acceptance issue and tempted to hang in there in hopes of a certain kind of acceptance, I too would have fared worse. Ironically, it is I who have ended up taking care of our elderly parents' needs, while my sister is sidelined.
4
It is difficult, often so painful; to be transgender has to be very painful.. I do question if it benefits anyone to publicly hold Leelah's parents responsible for her suicide. Sad as this is, it may have been more complicated. I oppose adding transgender people to another list of those protected under the law.
4
A beautiful and eloquent essay! I was a weird queer nerd in the 80's before it was hip. Helen, my late mother raised me that being different was not a liability nor what defined me as a person. Like Jennifer and Matilda reading books and the newspaper gave comfort and knowledge power as did art, music and theater. Children will listen ....
10
The suffering of the transgendered needs to be met with support, understanding and acceptance. I think that the overpowering sense of isolation that transgendered individuals experience is shared by others. For example, the reports of suicidal thoughts, morbid ideation, self injury and both attempted and completed suicide among other members of the LGBT population are very high. Forming a wider community will provide additional resources for transgendered individuals. What makes the situation of the transgendered individual more difficult than those of lesbians, gays and bisexuals, is that the transgendered person wishes to undergo major physical changes. By contrast, in general, lesbians, gays and bisexuals as well as persons questioning their sexual orientation often embrace and celebrate their bodies. I think there is sufficient good will among the LGBTQ community and the larger community to support and accept the emotional struggles of transgendered individuals.
7
Transgender people, like most anyone else, just need to be left alone to be themselves...
10
I grew up in a evangelical Christian household and 100% understand the reasons behind Leelah's parents behavior however unconscionable it may be to others. If you are a conservative Christian, you believe to the core that anything other than being a heterosexual is unnatural and a sin that will simply send you straight to hell, where there is fire and condemnation for eternity. If Leelah's parents are anything like my mom (who holds these exact beliefs) accepting her as transgender was impossible. Their "God does not make mistakes" statement is revealing. If God created humans, and any non-confirming sexual orientation is a sin according to their interpretation of the bible, the only conclusion is that a person cannot BE transgender or homosexual (as God couldn't have possibly created a human being this way), but rather the "devil" (literally) is the one putting those feelings in one's head, much like a possession. I bet that for Leelah's parents, accepting her as transgender was equivalent to bearing witness to her eternal condemnation and taking her away from the path to salvation in Jesus Christ. I'm sure Leelah's parents loved her deeply and would have given their lives to save hers. However I understand why they couldn't give her acceptance (the only thing she really needed); that would have been, in their minds, participating in the transgender sin that God was supposed to be saving her from. Incomprehensible to those who have not lived next to religious fervor.
41
@e-
One comment, gender identity and sexual identity are different (though to be honest you are probably right that evangelical Christians have little understanding of the difference), transgender people can be heterosexual, too, based on their gender identity, they can be gay or bisexual, too...
One comment, gender identity and sexual identity are different (though to be honest you are probably right that evangelical Christians have little understanding of the difference), transgender people can be heterosexual, too, based on their gender identity, they can be gay or bisexual, too...
13
Thank you for explaining the Evangelical position so well.
The way I, as a transgender bisexual person have been able to attain some peaceful coexistence with those Fundamentalists who believe those aspects of my being are inherently evil, and to be extinguished, is with the philosophy that I must love some people at a distance - a great distance. Otherwise I will be harmed by their beliefs. While I am able to genuinely care for them and accept them for who they are, despite their rejection of parts of me I hold dear, I am forced by practicality to maintain our mutual safety by distancing myself. Unfortunately children are not able to do that with parents, upon whom they are totally dependent. This is an excruciating circumstance for the child. In this casein and many others, it was deadly.
Since you understand the Evangelical position well, is there any way you can think of that a more peaceful kind of accommodation could be fashioned?
I understand that fundamentalism by it's very nature demands purity - that is it's seductive power which many finds captivating - but even within that rigidity, is there some compromise or accommodation the church could prescribe in these situations where suicidal outcomes are so very prevalent? A compromise both parties could live with without violating their core beliefs? Are there any special allowances that can be made for children in these circumstances?
We need to fashion a truce between religion and LGBT people. Any ideas?
The way I, as a transgender bisexual person have been able to attain some peaceful coexistence with those Fundamentalists who believe those aspects of my being are inherently evil, and to be extinguished, is with the philosophy that I must love some people at a distance - a great distance. Otherwise I will be harmed by their beliefs. While I am able to genuinely care for them and accept them for who they are, despite their rejection of parts of me I hold dear, I am forced by practicality to maintain our mutual safety by distancing myself. Unfortunately children are not able to do that with parents, upon whom they are totally dependent. This is an excruciating circumstance for the child. In this casein and many others, it was deadly.
Since you understand the Evangelical position well, is there any way you can think of that a more peaceful kind of accommodation could be fashioned?
I understand that fundamentalism by it's very nature demands purity - that is it's seductive power which many finds captivating - but even within that rigidity, is there some compromise or accommodation the church could prescribe in these situations where suicidal outcomes are so very prevalent? A compromise both parties could live with without violating their core beliefs? Are there any special allowances that can be made for children in these circumstances?
We need to fashion a truce between religion and LGBT people. Any ideas?
15
I absolutely agree that they were motivated by religious conviction.
It changes nothing. If anything, it's worse-it's one thing, as a parent, to do your best to reason it out and simply be wrong; it's another to abdicate reason altogether and submit yourself to ancient superstition so thoroughly that you leave your child to die alone on the interstate.
It changes nothing. If anything, it's worse-it's one thing, as a parent, to do your best to reason it out and simply be wrong; it's another to abdicate reason altogether and submit yourself to ancient superstition so thoroughly that you leave your child to die alone on the interstate.
7
Thank you, Jennifer Finney Boylan, for reminding us that books save lives.
I know this firsthand, because books saved my life. This is why I write for young adults. I recently published a book about an intersex teen athlete who overcomes bullying and learns to accept herself. Like Leelah, and many other LGBTQ young people, she too, considers suicide.
Intersex conditions are said to exist in more than 2% of our population. Some individuals do not even know they have an intersex condition until they are a teen or older. It may be that some young people who seek gender transitions are intersex. They may present as female at birth but have a male chromosome mix, or vice versa.
I am not saying this was the case for Leelah or any transgender person. However I do think it introduces an interesting "moral" conundrum to those who condemn others for not fitting into their own definitions of what it means to be male or female.
Moreover, we are all unique. There is no other person on the planet exactly like us; we all have gifts to share and a reason for being here. Therefore, if we truly are people of faith, who are we to judge God's loving creation?
May Leelah and her family be at peace, and may healing come from this tragic loss.
I know this firsthand, because books saved my life. This is why I write for young adults. I recently published a book about an intersex teen athlete who overcomes bullying and learns to accept herself. Like Leelah, and many other LGBTQ young people, she too, considers suicide.
Intersex conditions are said to exist in more than 2% of our population. Some individuals do not even know they have an intersex condition until they are a teen or older. It may be that some young people who seek gender transitions are intersex. They may present as female at birth but have a male chromosome mix, or vice versa.
I am not saying this was the case for Leelah or any transgender person. However I do think it introduces an interesting "moral" conundrum to those who condemn others for not fitting into their own definitions of what it means to be male or female.
Moreover, we are all unique. There is no other person on the planet exactly like us; we all have gifts to share and a reason for being here. Therefore, if we truly are people of faith, who are we to judge God's loving creation?
May Leelah and her family be at peace, and may healing come from this tragic loss.
11
2% of the population? Could you share where you got that stat? Thanks
7
So sad. Support from family and faith RIGHT NOW might go a long way. Time heals.
4
My heart also goes out the person who was driving the truck. Sad all around.
61
Jennifer, I would urge anyone who doesn't fully understand this issue to read your book "She's Not There." This was the book that explained what being transgendered meant. I really did not fully understand the concept before...and it's a lovely book.
11
There is a profound difference between gender identity and religious affiliation. The first refers to the individual him/herself and is a simple expression of the most profound truth about human beings: we are free to to be what we are. I am agnostic as to whether transgender identity has a genetic basis or not but it makes no difference in my full support for people who, for whatever reason, want to transition out of their biological sex. What difference does it make to anybody but the person him/herself? In fact, I am happy to live in the world where people can make such a choice and have the technological means to reshape their body according to their desire. It is a much more interesting and colorful world than the one envisioned by religious fundamentalists with its prison-like walls between "right" and "wrong". Leela's parents killed their daughter with their dogmatic and rigid ideology. She harmed nobody.
22
There's an incredible resource for LGBTQ youth in crisis that can help: The Trevor Project. Formed in 1998 it's the only national suicide hotline focused on LGBTQ youth. Please share their website (thetrevorproject.org) and their crisis hotline (866-488-7386). Both can make an incredible difference, and hopefully allow more and more youth to tell their own stories themselves, alive as they grow and flourish.
16
I will never forget the rage, shame and despair I felt when hearing Christians tell me that mental illness didn't exist and it was instead demon possession.
That same ignorance is alive and thriving in Leelah Alcorn's parents and it killed their child.
I stand in support of transgender individuals and hope for a day when no one will suffer and die because of who they are.
That same ignorance is alive and thriving in Leelah Alcorn's parents and it killed their child.
I stand in support of transgender individuals and hope for a day when no one will suffer and die because of who they are.
45
No one had to die. Her parents didn't kill her, she committed suicide. Attain some honest understanding of the suicidal and chill with the blame game.
8
I see no point in being proud of being transgender anymore than to be proud of being heterosexual. One IS, period. We must accept ALL people as they are regardless of gender, or frequency of occurrence in the natural world as every thing is natural. Hatred of those who are somewhat different is a human fault, although not universally so, and a society in which it is the case MUST become more civilized.The first thing of course is to get away from the insane, cruel, intolerant bane that revealed religions, Abrahmic, have been and continue to be. They are nothing but normative fictions. My heart goes to ALL human being whose difference, whatever it may be, are ostracized by the human group they are born into; ostracism is horrible and painful.
Peace and love to all.
Peace and love to all.
24
@olivier-
That is the point, that people should be proud of being themselves, no matter what. Straight people often say "why LGBT pride", and don't see the fact that their orientation allows them to be proud of themselves, for the broad population respects it as something to be proud of, when a husband brags of his wife, a wife of her husband, straight parents of kids, it is all part of the fabric. The reason LGBT people have things like pride marches and use the term pride is because for most of history, they have been told they have nothing to be proud of, that they are garbage or worse, they have been preached at, hit, killed, disinherited, shunned, called names, been raped, you name it, all because of who they are. And yes, religion has been one of the prime fuels of that fire, and to this day even the liberal churches and religions still don't get it, because they maintain the fiction that if let's say an evangelical Christian believes gays are from the devil and should be shunned or discriminated against, that's okay because 'it is their beliefs', liberal preachers will tell their congregants that they should 'understand' the African nations and their horrible record with gays, they should 'understand' islamic problems with homosexuality and so forth, and that is wrong, there can be no tolerance for bigotry, or as in this case, taking the parents off the hook for their stupidity and maliciousness because, after all, they had their beliefs.
That is the point, that people should be proud of being themselves, no matter what. Straight people often say "why LGBT pride", and don't see the fact that their orientation allows them to be proud of themselves, for the broad population respects it as something to be proud of, when a husband brags of his wife, a wife of her husband, straight parents of kids, it is all part of the fabric. The reason LGBT people have things like pride marches and use the term pride is because for most of history, they have been told they have nothing to be proud of, that they are garbage or worse, they have been preached at, hit, killed, disinherited, shunned, called names, been raped, you name it, all because of who they are. And yes, religion has been one of the prime fuels of that fire, and to this day even the liberal churches and religions still don't get it, because they maintain the fiction that if let's say an evangelical Christian believes gays are from the devil and should be shunned or discriminated against, that's okay because 'it is their beliefs', liberal preachers will tell their congregants that they should 'understand' the African nations and their horrible record with gays, they should 'understand' islamic problems with homosexuality and so forth, and that is wrong, there can be no tolerance for bigotry, or as in this case, taking the parents off the hook for their stupidity and maliciousness because, after all, they had their beliefs.
12
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story with a powerful and compassionate voice. We all have a place in this world - in this life. Each of us has a responsibility to offer an anchor to others and to accept those offered to us.
People are beginning to realize that gender is a present-day metaphor for the differences about which people are aware and display a need to classify ourselves or others. The word "light" is inspiring with a sense of hopefulness that whether gender, race, or another identifier is considered all of these attributes reflect people who are important and whose lives matter.
People are beginning to realize that gender is a present-day metaphor for the differences about which people are aware and display a need to classify ourselves or others. The word "light" is inspiring with a sense of hopefulness that whether gender, race, or another identifier is considered all of these attributes reflect people who are important and whose lives matter.
31
What is the role of children's protective services in instances where children are struggling with gender identity issues and parents are denying them effective care and support?
At some points, this child was in a public school. Were teachers and counselors there aware of her distress? What services and supports actually are available to people of all ages who are dealing with gender identity and health concerns?
How is gender identity addressed in public school curricula, policies and procedures? Even though it is not a disability, would providing people with ADA protections help until the US develops a much more enlightened policy and legislative agenda around gender identity?
At some points, this child was in a public school. Were teachers and counselors there aware of her distress? What services and supports actually are available to people of all ages who are dealing with gender identity and health concerns?
How is gender identity addressed in public school curricula, policies and procedures? Even though it is not a disability, would providing people with ADA protections help until the US develops a much more enlightened policy and legislative agenda around gender identity?
28
The ADA expressly excluded protections for transgender people. http://digitalcommons.law.yale.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1115&...
11
Important info... thanks!
3
Local news reports state that her parents took her out of school, so she was home schooled through an internet program. Moreover, her parents took away her phone and computer for a lengthy period. She was very effectively isolated - no doubt as part of the well-meaning, but terribly wrong and harmful, advice given by the Christian therapists to whom she was sent.
6
My father, in a few ways, was not a very expressive father. He didn't take me to ballgames or play catch with me in the yard. At night, after supper, he mostly read the newspaper. But, if there was ever anything I needed to talk about, he was right there for me. Likewise my mother. And when
I was troubled or in-trouble, as occasionally happened, he was immediately and completely
available to me. I don't understand how people survive their childhoods without good, interested and involved parents. I know I couldn't have.
I was troubled or in-trouble, as occasionally happened, he was immediately and completely
available to me. I don't understand how people survive their childhoods without good, interested and involved parents. I know I couldn't have.
38
From what I've read, Leelah was taking prescribed heavy doses of anti-depressiants. I would lay her suicide at the feet of this kind of therapy and the practitioners behind it before feeding her bewildered and now agonized parents to the lions.
Suggesting that her parent's Christian Conservative precepts or lifestyle is to blame for Leelah's suicide is just another avenue of prejudice. After all, the world abounds with all sorts of ways of being human, being devout to a particular brand of Christianity is one of them.
Suggesting that her parent's Christian Conservative precepts or lifestyle is to blame for Leelah's suicide is just another avenue of prejudice. After all, the world abounds with all sorts of ways of being human, being devout to a particular brand of Christianity is one of them.
17
I feel more sympathy for the poor truck driver who was used to perpetrate this act of self destruction who has to live with the memory of having killed someone while innocently doing his job.
17
Her parents continue to intentionally misidentify her and use the wrong pronoun to describe her, they were responsible for sending her to a therapist who did not address Leelah's needs. Her mother has stated that her Christian beliefs do not allow for her to accept Leelah as transgender. They absolutely are to blame for this.
23
But doesn't being devout to a particular brand of Christianity that leads to putting your kid through conversion therapy and other kinds of rehabilitation to convince your transgender child that "God doesn't make mistakes" kind of put you at fault for your child's depression, and then suicide? At least a little bit? Certainly not all brands of Christianity are misguided in all things, like trans acceptance, but some are. And even so, the blame ultimately falls on the parents for not being able to look past their beliefs to accept who their child says she is. I have to wonder if Leelah would have even been on those antidepressants would her parents have stopped calling her Josh and stopped trying to convince her that she was cisgendered.
21
So beautifully written and expressed. This is a step forward in understanding and awareness. Thank you Jennifer.
30
My 55-year-old brother recently told me that he wanted to transgender. What courage that took. In the last month, he has been my lifeline as we finally talk honestly about ourselves and our mutual family. Thoughts of suicide and severe anxiety had dogged him beginning in adolescence, and now I understand why. I am so thankful I didn't lose him years ago.
77
Beautifully written as always Jennifer. What a heartbreaking story. When will the world stop using the threat of imaginary magical beings to destroy people's lives?
55
There is a lot more understanding that needs to happen regarding transgender people. As a gay man, I have no more information about it it than anyone else, but it seems that, like sexual orientation, it occurs very early in life, possibly before birth. In the end, we don't need to understand to fully support another human being's right of determination over their own life and their own body. That must always be a given in our culture. And so must compassion and support for anyone who is suffering to the degree that they would take their own life. That is a great loss for all of us.
83
This heart-breaking story could never have a happy ending, but Jennifer Finney Boylan gives it meaning, humour and insight.
27
Amen to that.
8
Inconsolable agony to lose a precious child! My profound sympathy for Leelah Alcorn and her entire family.
18
I have no sympathy for her family, who continue to completely reject her chosen identity and, thus, her personhood.
16
I am not LGBT, but it stuns me that people are so fixated on what OTHER people experience that might not be congruent with their own life experiences that they drive them to such misery and self-loathing. And are bound and determined to disparage, humiliate and shame others into such depths of despair because THEY, the persecutors, cannot fathom that it's really 1) none of their business and 2) okay to feel, deep inside that one has been given the wrong body.
We each of us are given our one life. We should be able to live it in a way that satisfies US and not the 'christians' (I use that in the non-religious sense) who have closed their already narrow ways of thinking to allow for diversity among us.
It is all very sad.
We each of us are given our one life. We should be able to live it in a way that satisfies US and not the 'christians' (I use that in the non-religious sense) who have closed their already narrow ways of thinking to allow for diversity among us.
It is all very sad.
65
Articles on Transgender are proliferating. They seem to be everywhere. It's as though the Media feel they won the Gay marriage wars and are moving on to their next social movement. As usual, making the news they want us to know and not reporting it. When they win this one imagine what the possible subjects are for their next crusade.
7
It is a good thing that our society has reached a point where we can begin to see gender identification and sexuality in a more complex light than before. The NYTimes didn't win a war waged against prejudice. Instead, the society is opening up to take a hard look at bigotry born of ignorance.
Rather than thinking this reporting is a plot by the media, try seeing it as a gift that allows us to understand something we didn't previously know about or accept. Now, instead of driving trans folk to lives of isolation, desperation, or death, we can embrace what God has created. It's far better to nurture people toward health and authenticity than to watch our neighbors wither for want of acceptance and love.
Why not open your heart instead of living with anger? The world isn't one-sided. People are complicated. The complexity reveals beauty. Enjoy it!
Rather than thinking this reporting is a plot by the media, try seeing it as a gift that allows us to understand something we didn't previously know about or accept. Now, instead of driving trans folk to lives of isolation, desperation, or death, we can embrace what God has created. It's far better to nurture people toward health and authenticity than to watch our neighbors wither for want of acceptance and love.
Why not open your heart instead of living with anger? The world isn't one-sided. People are complicated. The complexity reveals beauty. Enjoy it!
41
They are proliferating . . . finally.
In other words, after decades of silence, we are starting to hear more trans stories.
True, you have noted a significant increase, but only because there were virtually no such stories in the past . . . aka Observation Bias.
In other words, after decades of silence, we are starting to hear more trans stories.
True, you have noted a significant increase, but only because there were virtually no such stories in the past . . . aka Observation Bias.
19
This is just a natural progression. As more gays have been willing to live their lives as themselves, more of the rest of us have seen them for who they are--our friends, family, and neighbors. This familiarity has grown to acceptance. And as acceptance has grown, the number of other folks who don't experience their existence in socially typical ways have become more open about their lives. Many of the rest of us become aware of people we never knew existed, and because we have become better educated about more kinds of differences, we are more open to understanding these as well. Articles in the media are keeping up with this, thankfully, and are a few steps ahead of the mainstream, for sure.
The world is so full of a number of things, people included. We are here to sing the praises of diversity, and whether we see it as creation or as something more mundane we can all celebrate it, and should be moving to do so.
The world is so full of a number of things, people included. We are here to sing the praises of diversity, and whether we see it as creation or as something more mundane we can all celebrate it, and should be moving to do so.
11
Other cultures have accepted various gender concepts for centuries.
Why not the US? But then, if we cannot accept diversity of religion, race, mind-sets, how could we possibly accept something as sensitive as gender diversity? How much narrow minded and cruel can we get?
It's high time we should be accepting, and we need to be accepting.
We should have gotten to the point to have enough room in our hearts, now in our present society, here in the US, for gender acceptance that our predecessors had long long ago.
I think about when I worked in a neonatal intensive care unit as a case manager and how I used to tell myself these babies are powerless to what they are born into...whatever their odds may be. The tiny infant fights for life and when they go home, they have won that first struggle.
A human being born into a gender different from the body should not be punished. A human being born into a gender different from the body deserves just as much a chance for a joyous, live full life as a human being born into a gender the same as the body. They should never ever have to struggle to the point where stepping in front of a tractor-trailer is "for the better."
Open our hearts folks; the time has come.
Why not the US? But then, if we cannot accept diversity of religion, race, mind-sets, how could we possibly accept something as sensitive as gender diversity? How much narrow minded and cruel can we get?
It's high time we should be accepting, and we need to be accepting.
We should have gotten to the point to have enough room in our hearts, now in our present society, here in the US, for gender acceptance that our predecessors had long long ago.
I think about when I worked in a neonatal intensive care unit as a case manager and how I used to tell myself these babies are powerless to what they are born into...whatever their odds may be. The tiny infant fights for life and when they go home, they have won that first struggle.
A human being born into a gender different from the body should not be punished. A human being born into a gender different from the body deserves just as much a chance for a joyous, live full life as a human being born into a gender the same as the body. They should never ever have to struggle to the point where stepping in front of a tractor-trailer is "for the better."
Open our hearts folks; the time has come.
44
Yes. Writing helps so much and Jennifer, your essays and books help so much! Leelah's letter to the world might have an extraordinary impact that could help so many people. I only wish she could have survived to feel the world's support.
17
Jennifer... a very sad and yet so needed piece you write. Thank you for your words of hope, encouragement, and compassion.
13
Our children are small lights that we protect so that they grow up to illuminate us all. As parents we need to be warriors for our kids, all of our kids at all times. Love is just the start, acceptance and affirmation are just as important. Wherever they fall on the spectrum just open your arms, hearts and minds and spread the light of our kids.
53
Thank you, Prof. Boylan, for this moving piece and for the empathy you show to Leelah and her peers. I am so sad that anyone, especially someone so young, has so little hope that she thinks the solution is suicide. I am concerned, though, that Leelah's death, which sadly seems to have temporarily given her a voice she was denied in life, could be perceived as a a template for others to follow. I am grateful that you have presented your younger self's experience as a more hopeful alternative. Because while Leelah's death does mean something, right now, in the long run what it means is that she is dead, gone, and without a voice or a future forever, without having had a chance to really live. And that's a tragedy.
36
My immediate question is: how do we find the Leelah's of the world so they can be given the love and support they are not getting from their families? Surely, with all the resources of the internet, these young people must be able to find the help they need... I suppose that points to what needs to be done, to shine more light on the issue so that a young person would know they can go looking on the 'net.
Too bad Leelah's parents didn't study a little biology... As a biologist I know there are lots of ways for people and other animals to come into the world. People though are aware of who they are and thus need the support to fully understand themselves. Their bodies, their biochemical make-up, none of that was their doing but they have to live with it. Society needs to be much more cognizant of the diverse arrays of people that inhabit this world and be supportive of people trying to understand themselves.
Too bad Leelah's parents didn't study a little biology... As a biologist I know there are lots of ways for people and other animals to come into the world. People though are aware of who they are and thus need the support to fully understand themselves. Their bodies, their biochemical make-up, none of that was their doing but they have to live with it. Society needs to be much more cognizant of the diverse arrays of people that inhabit this world and be supportive of people trying to understand themselves.
32
Thanks to the internet there is help and information available ,we hope more people will find it and it will be of help to them and their families.
Leelah was a great loss,14years old ,what could a talented girl have done with here life? what has she done, she has touched thousands of other lives, how many other 14 teen year olds has she saved?
She will be rememberd in sackville gardens at Manchester pride this year.
May God bless her and all who knew her.
Joni xxx
Leelah was a great loss,14years old ,what could a talented girl have done with here life? what has she done, she has touched thousands of other lives, how many other 14 teen year olds has she saved?
She will be rememberd in sackville gardens at Manchester pride this year.
May God bless her and all who knew her.
Joni xxx
19
I am borrowing a friend's log -in to post this. In the sadness of this young life's loss not a word of comfort for the parents. Parents are always vilified and always at fault. Never a word from the trans community understanding that parents are at loss to understand how something so earth-shattering is happening to their child, and daily witness and mourn the loss and change of the child they loved and raised and still love and support. Never a word for the parents that are also living a transition they did not chose, never a word for the pain and the loss we feel and the verbal abuse sometimes we endure. Being parents of a transgender person is not easy, start having some compassion for us, we deserve it too.
21
Her parents did not choose to have a transgender child. But they did choose to give their religious beliefs priority over their child's reality. How you live with that, I don't know.
48
Adam,
While it is a struggle for some parents to accept, the message they send to their children should be clear: "This is hard for me, yet I love you and want to understand." The process certainly expands and fluctuates from there, but when parents immediately shut down the possibility of acceptance, and indeed, respond with pervasive negativity and spite, it is devastating to a child. The parents failed in this case.
While it is a struggle for some parents to accept, the message they send to their children should be clear: "This is hard for me, yet I love you and want to understand." The process certainly expands and fluctuates from there, but when parents immediately shut down the possibility of acceptance, and indeed, respond with pervasive negativity and spite, it is devastating to a child. The parents failed in this case.
54
What people don't realize is that "this is hard for me, but I love you and I want to understand" can be very harmful words. The knowledge that your parent has to try incredibly hard to accept you becomes awareness that who you are is so awful that even people who love you need to try very hard not to hate you or reject you. This can be destabilizing, and can even cause more harm than outright rejection. This is because outright rejection at least gives the child something to fight, to push back against. Drawing a child in with declarations of one's love for them, only to tell the child how hard a time you are having loving them can be disastrous for the psyche of that child, especially when the child is trying to learn to accept and love themselves in an oppressive society at the same time. Parents should present a loving and accepting front to their child, and work out the hard parts with a therapist, their spouse, a PFLAG group, or anyone other than the child. There are enough resources in this day and age, and the child does not have all of the answers anyway. The innocent transgender (or LGBT) child should not have to carry the parent's emotional baggage as well as her own.
23
The author's insight and words poignantly described the desperation this young woman faced as she was denied support and understanding for her circumstances. To a child her age, six or seven weeks is a lifetime, let alone the seven or more years it would have taken for her to gain the means to financially address her needs. Seeing so many young people getting that understanding and support, and doing so well, had to make her circumstances impossible. Those of us who grew up in the dark ages had no role models or information and thought we were the only ones in the wrong bodies. Most of us lived with our secret thoughts and believed ourselves alone in our desperation. I vaguely considered suicide, but never acted on it. Instead I volunteered for the Army and Vietnam, in a self-destructive kind of way way, believing if I perished it would be for the best and if I survived I'd be a real man. I survived, but didn't change. I grieve for this precious lost child and hope countless others will be spared because of her sacrifice.
37
Indeed tragic that a young person self-immolates to end her suffering and despair. How sad that Leelah's parents could not love her unconditionally.
Your sharing her story is certainly one way to honor Leelah's plea to fix society. Thank you.
Your sharing her story is certainly one way to honor Leelah's plea to fix society. Thank you.
21
This makes me think of the expression, "Silence = death." I offer my ears to those in Leelah's shoes and my own words that their lives are precious.
34
I am thankful such a sensitive and encouraging article has come from the NYT. Perhaps some links to resources would be helpful too?
Suicide Prevention Lines?
http://transyouthsupportnetwork.org/
http://www.translifeline.org/
http://www.leelahslaw.com/
http://www.thebicast.org/podcast/special-report-leelahs-law/
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/enact-leelahs-law-ban-all-lgbt...
Suicide Prevention Lines?
http://transyouthsupportnetwork.org/
http://www.translifeline.org/
http://www.leelahslaw.com/
http://www.thebicast.org/podcast/special-report-leelahs-law/
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/enact-leelahs-law-ban-all-lgbt...
42
I don't even know a transgendered person...or rather don't know that I know a transgendered person. And yet, it is so right to BE what you truly are. Heaven knows it's hard enough to be who and what you truly are, to find it and be yourself....when the outcome more or less fits everyone's expectations. Bravo for you Ms. Boylan. Your words will save some lives, and bring great sanity into this world.
24
So may of us are either murdered, or commit suicide as our predominant cause of death, and considering the social conditions we face, there is not much difference between them. I might even call it success and achievement that at 59 I am dying of advanced cancer - I survived the first two common ends.
Reading, writing, and screaming were also helpful strategies for me, but then, I was not buried alive in a conservative religious family as Leelah was, which negated her and tore her inner spirit beyond endurance.
There is great beauty to to be found in all life, and as I near it's end I see all our faults and failings as trivial in comparison to the miracle we are. And yes, that includes Leelah's parents, as harmful as they were to her young life in ways they clearly cannot comprehend, going by their statements. My one greatest wish for humanity, as one who has now walked in the shoes of both male and female, and been perceived as many different identities by my world, is that we all find it in our hearts to be more gentle with each other; more kind, more respectful, more generous of spirit.
Take a deep breath and take a moment to look for one good thing about the next person you meet. I began doing that as a private spiritual practice, and found noticing that one good thing immediately led me to see many others. My world was transformed, a person at a time.
Our diversity can be a door opening or a door closing. Choose your doors to be opening; don't miss the grandeur.
Reading, writing, and screaming were also helpful strategies for me, but then, I was not buried alive in a conservative religious family as Leelah was, which negated her and tore her inner spirit beyond endurance.
There is great beauty to to be found in all life, and as I near it's end I see all our faults and failings as trivial in comparison to the miracle we are. And yes, that includes Leelah's parents, as harmful as they were to her young life in ways they clearly cannot comprehend, going by their statements. My one greatest wish for humanity, as one who has now walked in the shoes of both male and female, and been perceived as many different identities by my world, is that we all find it in our hearts to be more gentle with each other; more kind, more respectful, more generous of spirit.
Take a deep breath and take a moment to look for one good thing about the next person you meet. I began doing that as a private spiritual practice, and found noticing that one good thing immediately led me to see many others. My world was transformed, a person at a time.
Our diversity can be a door opening or a door closing. Choose your doors to be opening; don't miss the grandeur.
105
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions! I hope and pray it helps somebody some day. Read, write, scream -- I love it. I may have to try that myself sometime. It sounds more effective, I would think, than eating, praying, and loving when you are feeling very down. I don't know much about the trans world, and it is honestly hard for me to imagine. I really thank you for such a thoughtful piece.
12
The right to self-determination is not one conferred at adulthood, but at birth. Parents should applaud a child brave enough to come out as transgendered, not deny that child's truth.
Leelah's story is heartbreaking.
Leelah's story is heartbreaking.
22
Psychiatrists disagree about how to treat children who report transgender feelings. Several studies show that these feelings simply go away in 70-80% of cases. See the recent Wall Street Journal article by psychiatrist Paul McHugh. There is good scientific and medical support for the parents' decision not to pursue surgery and hormone injections. To attack them like this is unfair as well as viciously cruel.
17
"Transitioning" doesn't necessarily mean surgery and hormone injections, at least not right away.
And the parents in this case, and many of these cases, went well beyond caution. Attacking your own child, particularly out of something as baseless as religious devotion, and denying that child's right to self-definition is unfair and viciously cruel. Being held accountable for the role your unfairness and cruelty played in the death of your child, rather than embraced as grieving parents who had nothing to do with it, is not.
I imagine and sympathize with their grief; I think they should also feel shame.
And the parents in this case, and many of these cases, went well beyond caution. Attacking your own child, particularly out of something as baseless as religious devotion, and denying that child's right to self-definition is unfair and viciously cruel. Being held accountable for the role your unfairness and cruelty played in the death of your child, rather than embraced as grieving parents who had nothing to do with it, is not.
I imagine and sympathize with their grief; I think they should also feel shame.
22
They didn't just decline to treat her. They took her out of school and cut her off from all social contact. They refused to let her see her friends and policed her internet/social media activity. She interacted with other human beings only once a week at church- which was full of people condemning her. They refused to even listen to her questioning or convictions. Hormone treatments may or may not be best, but basically putting your child in solitary confinement is abuse, plain and simple.
74
No Mr. Graham, psychiatrists don't disagree. Regardless of what your child is, wants to be, doesn't want to be, all they need is love. I am the parent of a gender expansive child and my fight is against people like you. But I won't fight, I will send you love. Somewhere there is a part of you that feels sad a child has been lost and a family is broken. Start there and please open your heart. Your mind will catch up. This poor child just needed love and hope. To all of those out there who agree with me, please become an ally to the LGBT community. For all of you trans people who love and support children like Leelah when their parents don't, may God bless you and keep you well.
23
this is not journalism, it's demagoguery.
9
It's the opinion section.
44
I'm so sorry. If only Leelah Alcorn had found someone to give her hope. Maybe she would have grown up to make music. Maybe she would have taught children. Maybe she would have been a loving friend. We will never hear her laughter now, and we are the poorer for it.
20