Thank you so much, Mr. Dolnick, for writing about two of the most exquisite 20th century novels, MRS. BRIDGE and MR. BRIDGE. Of course the Newman/Woodward film was a fine effort but it was impossible to capture the richness of the two novels. Although my husband, my children, and our son are from much later decades we find ourselves to recapitulate the Bridge family dynamics so perfectly, that the novels have served as a superb "vade mecum" into understanding each other and out own private Douglas Bridge.
2
I sincerely hope this kind of mundane hyper-connectedness will run its course and we will return to a time when we are not so focused on the self. The first paragraph of this article sounds like a terribly uninteresting existence, devoid of imagination and concern for anyone outside one's tiny circle.
7
I agree. No matter how much I love a man, I really don't want to know about every minute of his day, the state of his bowels or that he can't figure out whether to buy the multi-grain or wheat baguette at the supermarket. Nor do I particularly want to interact during the workday, the commute, etc. unless it's something like "get ready to head to Paris for the weekend," or "en route to the ER vet with choking Chihuahua."
Many people forget that a little mystery and suspense are good for romance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- how fond can one get if one's SO is downloading every one of his/her most vapid thoughts to a smartphone 24/7. And what is left to regale one another with over a glass of wine in front of a cozy fire if the details of every day are transmitted in real time. Snooze!
Many people forget that a little mystery and suspense are good for romance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- how fond can one get if one's SO is downloading every one of his/her most vapid thoughts to a smartphone 24/7. And what is left to regale one another with over a glass of wine in front of a cozy fire if the details of every day are transmitted in real time. Snooze!
3
“The Affair,” in which episodes are divided between the perspectives of a Brooklyn writer and his Montauk mistress.
I wonder why 'He' has an legitimate identity and 'She' is relegated to a service provider? And aren't you showing your bias of the narrative by describing it only from his point of view?
I wonder why 'He' has an legitimate identity and 'She' is relegated to a service provider? And aren't you showing your bias of the narrative by describing it only from his point of view?
5
The author of this piece should really check out the episode of the BBC series "Black Mirror" entitled "The Entire History of You"- sometimes a little self-containment and ambiguity about what exactly has passed between two people is not a terrible thing. :)
3
Is it any revelation that there is a wide gulf between text messages and the inner lives of any of us? Not really.
Nor is it surprising, alas, that both the essay and the illustration equate romantic intimacy with heterosexuality.
The lesson overall? Be less myopic!
Nor is it surprising, alas, that both the essay and the illustration equate romantic intimacy with heterosexuality.
The lesson overall? Be less myopic!
2
I'm sorry but there is a giant point that seems to be missed in this article which is wrapped up in the revelation/celebration of the point of view. Thankfully, these movies and examples focus on the variety of viewpoints. Thank goodness there is no longer one almighty POV. We the audience, the observers, sift through "he said"s and "she said"s to create our own interpretation, to find our own "truth". I remember being so surprised by my sister's account of our childhood. She had a completely different reality from me. How refreshing it is that we get to slosh around and are not bonked on the head with one spotlight demanding our capitulation. I, for one, am happy to exercise a discerning muscle to help me filter all the shades of gray. Can you tell me who really lives in a purely black and white world anyway?
7
Surprised that the author didn't reference the movie Mr and Mrs Bridge with Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.
4
How often is the term "life-partner" used to describe a successfully satisfying marriage (or, if you will relationship). More often than one might think. Widows and widowers most frequently talk about their deceased spouse in such terms after the grief of losing their life-partner after decades of life together, a life filled with a realized intimacy. But as is the case with real partners, there are always aspects of their lives that remain within their respective private domain and I'm NOT referring to commitment violations. I believe everyone has a need for respect for and from their life-partners for their individual privacy. As some simple examples, a husband has boyhood friends or a wife has a koffe-klatch with whom they confide. Such confidences can enrich, not demean the partnership. When crises arise, as they always do, the strength of the partnership, and often the side relationships of the partners, helps carry them through.
Too often we think of ourselves as binary pairs. We're not. The life-partnership may be a key part of our lives but we need a more multi-faceted social experience over the long term. After all, life is complicated far beyond novel or film plats.
Too often we think of ourselves as binary pairs. We're not. The life-partnership may be a key part of our lives but we need a more multi-faceted social experience over the long term. After all, life is complicated far beyond novel or film plats.
6
As a marriage therapist, and a wife in a 36-year marriage, I know the split-screen phenomenon all too well! Ask two people, married or otherwise, to describe an event and you’re likely to get wildly divergent stories. I know couples who drive themselves crazy trying to nail down the details that will never converge. (It was Tuesday. No, I’m sure it was Thursday...)
Like it or not, truth comes in “versions,” which is why books like "Mrs. Bridge" and "Mr. Bridge" are so compelling and resonate so deeply. Neither partner is “lying” about the story — they’ve simply highlighted the “facts” they found salient and left out the rest.
As the writer said, we create “canyons of ignorance,” but they’re not necessarily secrets or lies, though, of course, sometimes they are. There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy, the latter stemming from the need we have for a separate self, the need we have as human beings to have thoughts and experiences that only we know.
A great marital paradox is that we want to be known, but not too deeply and certainly not more deeply than we dare to know ourselves.
Winifred Reilly
Like it or not, truth comes in “versions,” which is why books like "Mrs. Bridge" and "Mr. Bridge" are so compelling and resonate so deeply. Neither partner is “lying” about the story — they’ve simply highlighted the “facts” they found salient and left out the rest.
As the writer said, we create “canyons of ignorance,” but they’re not necessarily secrets or lies, though, of course, sometimes they are. There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy, the latter stemming from the need we have for a separate self, the need we have as human beings to have thoughts and experiences that only we know.
A great marital paradox is that we want to be known, but not too deeply and certainly not more deeply than we dare to know ourselves.
Winifred Reilly
23
@WR: You write 'Like it or not, truth comes in “versions...” ' Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that some people believe the truth is one thing; others say that it's another? The truth of some issues can exist. E.g., scientists believe that global warming is happening; many Republicans believe that it is not. There is a truth, though, based on reality: either global warming as defined by climatologists is happening, or it's not. So one group believes the real truth, and one group believes that something which isn't true in reality is indeed the truth. We don't have two "versions" of the truth; instead we have one group in agreement with reality (I'm betting on the scientists here), and one group not in agreement with reality. Those not in agreement with reality may think they have the truth, but they don't. One could cite examples about beliefs concerning whether the earth is the center of the universe or not, but either it is or it isn't. One's opinion about something like that is not even relevant; it is what it is.
"I know couples who drive themselves crazy trying to nail down the details that will never converge. (It was Tuesday. No, I’m sure it was Thursday...)" But those details can sometime converge - suppose that both just get out their calendars and check the date (let's assume the date is checkable). Then one person may still not be in agreement, but at least the truth is now known.
"I know couples who drive themselves crazy trying to nail down the details that will never converge. (It was Tuesday. No, I’m sure it was Thursday...)" But those details can sometime converge - suppose that both just get out their calendars and check the date (let's assume the date is checkable). Then one person may still not be in agreement, but at least the truth is now known.
1
If not shopping for underwear or some other exclusively male sundry, why didn't the "in line at store" text include "anything I can get you?"
10
We confuse lack of privacy with intimacy--probably now more than ever. Part of it is the general erosion of private in favor of public living, on line especially. Part is confusing "sharing" and often over-disclosure with intimacy.
You can tell the world--anyone--what you think and feel. You can tell complete strangers. But intimacy requires a relationship--2 people. That's where we are sadly lacking.
You can tell the world--anyone--what you think and feel. You can tell complete strangers. But intimacy requires a relationship--2 people. That's where we are sadly lacking.
25
1. Mr. Dolnick seems to be conflating reality with fiction. The books and movies he mentioned are fiction, and as such, their narratives must focus on people who confront problems and conflict. Otherwise, they'd be crummy fiction. It's no surprise that many real marriages are better than their fictional counterparts.
2. He complains that in "Gone Girl," the husband and wife are implausibly tuned into each other, despite their dysfunctional relationship. I haven't seen the movie, but in the book, that was precisely the writer's point. Ironically the screwed-up husband and wife not only deserved each other; they seemed to be made for each other.