It seems that by only publishing those who were willing to print their names, we only get to hear about cases of sexual assault on the least egregious end of the spectrum. The problem is that this leaves one with the impression that most sexual assault is barely a piddling worse than the average case of adolescent bad judgment. It also probably misrepresents the average perpetrator. These men are thoughtful, introspective, and sincerely concerned about how their actions impacted the women they failed to respect once upon a time decades ago. Are all or most sexual assault perpetrators so mindful and concerned? Are most? Is Kavanaugh? Probably not. But, of course, publishing anonymously written stories brings other problems. Perhaps there is simply no great way to grasp the perpetrator's view at all.
10
I find myself really wishing to read more -- read the comments that men submitted anonymously. I want to understand a fuller picture of why and how these things happened and how (or whether) things have changed and how they haven't. People simply can't be fully open, especially when confessing things like this. I get that you can't determine which stories might be made up, based on anonymity, but I would still like to hear it.
I think with MeToo#, the nation and even the world are finally getting a picture of how women have lived for, well, forever. My own 80-year-old mother just came out with a horrible story of something that happened to her when she was 17 (an older male boss...). Because of this.
We need to understand what old, awful attitudes and ideas have lead to these kinds of behaviors and we need to change them, for our daughters and granddaughters. And for our sons, and their relationships.
it's just freaking time.
6
I’m a woman in my 40’s and I can remember numerous times I felt pressured to go further than I agreed or wanted to by boys and men even into my 30’s.
There is a fear of being seen as a prude, making the atmosphere sour or ruining what was so far a good relationship or friendship. Added sometimes with a worry of being left somewhere and having to get home alone.
I think many of these situations are what women would categorise as a #metoo moment. It’s refreshing to see that some men do actually realise what happened was wrong as it’s too easy for women to presume men think it’s ok.
If more men opened up like this then women might feel their feelings are valid and maybe younger men will take their behaviour more seriously.
1
Has The Times made plans to offer women an opportunity to talk about their experiences in abusing men and their regret? Surely this happens, and The Times should follow up this piece with a similar one.
5
I knew all these guys, or rather a facsimile of them. But honestly, what do we expect? Hollywood has put girls and women into these situations continually -with very little repercussions for the boys and men - and often as the butt of a joke. Look at our lives today: boys absorbed in violent misogynistic video games and porn. Ugh. Until we devalue this stuff and value stories and entertainment made by women, men will continue to objectify and abuse girls. Not the ultimate panacea, but certainly worth trying.
3
Most disturbing for me is the man who talked about a girl with a 'reputation'. In the late 1970's I was the girl with the reputation, and the only time I had ever had sex was when I was raped. I told someone who told someone and before I knew it every teen boy in the area were saying they had done 'it' with me. If any guy reading this has boasted about having sex with somebody they haven't- understand this. You stained someones soul and possibly ruined their adolescence and maybe even their life. Lost all my friends because of my reputation, the didn't want to hang around 'that' girl, then had to fight off unwanted advances from boys that told everyone they too had done the girl with the bad rep. I went from being a really good student to failing at school, left at 16 and moved far away all on my own to escape the rumours and lies. Looking back I was just a child. I became a drug addict, I cried alone at night. Years later met someone from my home town and when I said my name her eyes snapped open in recognition and I could see it, she was thinking- it's 'that' girl. I'm not the only person this has happened to, not by a long shot. Luckily I turned my life around but I sometimes wonder, who would I have been if all that hadn't happened? I never married, never had kids, I see the world the world as a dangerous dark place, before this happened I saw the world as fun, love and light. The words of young men and losing my beloved friends destroyed me more than being raped did.
20
These are definitely the male voices that we need to here: honest, first person accounts. It's like a Truth and Reconciliation committee. I do wish NYT would publish the other stories even though they are anonymous. These are such powerful accounts reading what is going on inside a young man's mind.
4
Can you print more of these "regret stories?" They are stunning.
4
I hope the Times will reconsider how these stories were handled. Choosing not to publish some of those anonymous stories was a mistake. Part of the issue women face is that some men don't believe certain stories are plausible when they are told by a woman. Hearing about those events from a man, even an anonymous one, might force these men to reckon with the things their kind can do, with no possibility of dismissing it as "some silly/forgetful/angry woman."
5
I wonder how many people realize that rape is part of the human story? Humans are one of the only sexual species on the planet where there is no outward indication that the woman is fertile. Dogs go into heat and emit a particular smell. Many female primates genitals swell up to indicate fertility. Most females don't retain full breasts for their entire adult lives. The female human has evolved to hide her fertility from not only men but from herself too. Why? Wouldn't it be more efficient to know when one is fertile? The most common assumption is that female humans evolved this way to prevent rape when they are fertile. This is how prone to rape the human male is - that women had to evolve such an unusual defense. Of course, men can learn to avoid such violations but we should understand that rape is built right into the DNA of male human beings so it is an upward struggle.
1
Ridiculous attempting to make every pass a sexual assault that men should feel guilty about. Isn't sex -- between consenting adults -- supposed to be FUN? Or do we now want to infuse everyone with guilt and shame for fooling around?
Certainly sexual assault is wrong as is rape. As is harassment. But when you're a kid and you snap (or unsnap) a girl's bra? Or you kiss a girl who wasn't ecstatic about it? Or you tried to talk your gf into oral sex? Please. These kinds of non transgressions trivialize sexual misbehavior. It's sort of like Liz Warren -- if she's a Native American, everyone is.
So why doesn't the Times survey women? Ask first -- about various kinds of sexual acts -- from kissing to the weird stuff -- as to whether they've ever experienced these things, what age, did you like it then, how about now? Ask them do they like sex.
Then ask -- did you ever have a guy try to talk you into going further than you wanted? Have about pressure you? All the up to rape? Ask for descriptions.
And maybe hire someone who knows how to conduct surveys and do some analysis?
3
I think this is a super important project, and something I have been hoping to see. preventing sexual violence and coercion must always be our top priority, and I think it would be worth a try to tell stories like these to young men and boys. Men even traumatize themselves with the suffering they inflict, as these stories attest.
1
We have to be very careful about leveraging these sort of stories as "proof" of some sort of inherent thing in our society where men are by default pervs and will rape, grope and assault if given the chance. We need to look at bullying, assault, coercion, etc as part of the human condition which we need to talk about openly, without passion or prejudice, in a balanced way. Men do it, sure, but women do it just as much, but in different ways.
2
What stands out in most of these accounts is that the women who were violated did not fight or scream or even demand “What the hell do you think you're doing!?” I was raped by my boss when I was twenty...except that it would not have been called rape at the time because it was not violent. I am eighty now. When I try to recapture what was going through my mind as I lay there...“frozen”, “sad”, “disappointed”, humiliated, aching for it to be over....all I can come up is a vague memory of feeling somehow “obligated”. I have no idea why. Perhaps because the flip side of the coin was that women usually considered it a compliment to be whistled at?
4
I am grateful to hear that men are doing this kind of soul searching. As a woman, even one liberally educated and progressively minded, it's been a strange experience over the last two years to realize that I had accepted as an unfortunate part of life something so universal and so damaging as the culture of harassment, even though I knew it was wrong. My female friends and I (in midlife and older) are all thinking about this, and it relieves my heart a bit to know that men are also rethinking their actions.
6
Frankly I did not read through every one of these "confessions." Just too upsetting. However, the ones I read did not begin to describe the violence and predation many of us endured and were forever silent about.
6
Thank you for publishing these stories, mild as they might be. I'm grateful for the sensitivity, openness and regret these men shared with all concerned.
3
I'm so glad NYTimes did carried out this article. Its such an eye-opening article. I'm so glad to be able to understand the men's perspective. Thank you.
1
I once tried to hold a girl's hand. I was 13 and she the same. We were sitting on a couch at a party. I had touched her hand. Lightly. She pressed back, my fingers just touching the softness of her pal, but she pushed back and slightly closed her hand around my fingers. I felt out of control, ecstatic. Lust overcame me. So I made the move and soon are hands were locked.
Johnny Mathis was singing in the background. "Heavenly," I believe. It was one of the 1st boy-girl parties I'd been to. The lights were dark. She had been sitting near me on the couch & now moved closer. I didn't know whether to kiss her, but soon her other hand was near where our two hands intertwined. So, I grasped her other hand, which made our faces naturally turn even more toward each other. Other couples were kissing on other couches. A girl was sitting in the boy's lap on a chair. There were even couples on the floor, kissing. One couple was even lying down side by side, cuddling.
SUDDENLY. Johnny stopped. On came Joey Dee and the Starliters. The Peppermint Twist. Just as I was moving in the suburban darkness for my first real kiss, she pulled both hands away. She jumped up & walked off, said something to a girl friend. Soon people were twisting, the lights on. Chubby Checker followed Joey. I saw her standing by the wall talking to a guy. She looked upset. I tried to talk to her, but she just shook her head.
I knew somehow I had hurt her. I feel guilty even now.
2
Many, many times I wish I could turn the clock back. There were times in my early adult hood that I was not kind to women, including my wife. I was angry, I was vocal, I was mean. Only much later did I realize the pain I caused. It was never about me, it was about them. You never get over being humiliated. Over the years, I have worked to be kinder towards women, more appreciative and more understanding. But nothing I do will ever erase the pain I caused in the past. I can't get over that.
5
I had an experience with a woman who I was enamored with. I was young and just married. I was confused about my life, but that was no excuse. We were friends and I was hoping it could mean more. I behaved poorly towards her. I was not physical, but vocal. I live with the shame every day.
2
Women have always had to be hyper aware of their surroundings in the most ordinary situations precisely because men like the ones who wrote in didn't stop to see the humanity in us until a Supreme Court hearing made them question if they, too, are a Brett Kavanaugh. Sadly, the answer too often is yes. If they think their guilt and shame is difficult to bear, try walking around everyday bearing the scars of what was done by men to women. There is simply no comparison.
9
I'm a woman and went to a liberal arts college in Virginia in the 90s. When I was there, social life revolved around the fraternity houses. Over the years, I have thought back to a night at the one of those houses. I was maybe 19 and really drunk; an upperclassman, whom I probably knew, or knew of, led me upstairs - or maybe I suggested it, I don't know. When we got up there and sat down on the bed (was it his room? someone else's?), I had this vague understanding of what was about to happen. We kissed a little bit and then I remember being pushed down on the bed. I was so drunk that I was powerless to stop him. I remember mumbling that this didn't feel right, but I don't know what I said. Maybe I said No, maybe I didn't. And he said, OK, you can go back downstairs. And somehow I got up and stumbled out of the room, and back down to the party. I left him sitting on the bed. To this day, I have no idea who he is - I probably saw him around campus many times, maybe even crossed paths with him again at another party. Over the years, I have thanked him in my heart for deciding to be a good person. He could have done whatever he wanted, and my life would have irrevocably changed that night. But he didn't.
7
Brett Kavanaugh lied- all of those who voted him in knows that he lied. These lies plus multiple other should have cost him the Supreme Court nomination.
Until boys are raised differently and girls are taught to speak out no matter what nothing will ever change
10
JR -- if you have evidence (other than your progressive politics) why not present it? I mean evidence that corroborates Ford's story.
4
To the NYT...
Are you afraid to tell the stories that include rape or attempted rape?
Why?
I can understand why the men won't use their names, but why are you reluctant to print their stories. Practically all women have a rape or attempted rape story, where they got away in time. Do you think it's too gritty for us to read this from the man's perspective? Trust me, it isn't.
16
This is so complicated. I remember being so confused, clumsy, terrified and overwhelmed, this may offer a little pause and clarity for some. I propose a little card with a checklist that we hand to the other. 1. can we go out? 2. can we hold hands? 3. can I remove your shoes? back scratch? proceed or go home? same time next week? kiss? lights on or off? too fast? are you ok? too slow? Is that your dad outside? How many rebounds did Jordan have, quick? Is that zipper operational? Etc.
1
Twice a year I read the latest social science on sexual abuse and domestic violence in order to be responsibly clear about what we never talk about. It was my job for almost ten years to reduce the incidence of sexual assault and domestic violence among youth and their families under a government block grant through education. Without the words to appreciate and evaluate these crimes, we will never get a handle on them, or these offenders.
I have read numerous responses similar to those you folks have collected in the research done by professionals. Here is an example.
https://www.davidlisak.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf/RepeatRapeinUndetected...
Amazingly, an average of 15% of men admit to attempting sexual assault before they are 25. 5% succeed to rape. It's how you ask the questions if you want them to be perfectly honest. But it is also their hyper-masculine inferiority complex that gets them to give up the game. Bragging rights among heathens.
There is a significant fall off in the percentage of sex offenders as men age. Many find the first attempt disturbing, never re-offending. Some feel misled by societal expectations of other men. Of those 2% who remain rapists, the most prolific apply Cosby's strategy.
I'm gonna skip these guys' stories because I've heard them before. It's not my job as a survivor to give a rapist the opportunity to offend me with their disturbing notions about masculinity or carry the shame of those trying to share blame.
6
Yours should be a NYT pick. Thank you for speaking for all of us.
3
What's chilling is that these behaviors and attitudes are so thoroughly ingrained that most men seem to notice them only in hindsight, and with some prompting. I suspect that the men who have spoken here would not characterize themselves as particularly evil or aggressive--they were "just young men." I shudder, then, to allow myself to think how deeply runs the hatred and violence in men who never have, and never would, engage in this kind of confession.
10
If this is used in classrooms and other settings where males are receptive to explicitly-taught learning (as compared to received and social/peer learning), I'm all for it. I did find it helpful for understanding what this handful of guys were thinking (or not) in the moment they did wrong or failed to stop wrong. A drop in a very big bucket, but it's a start.
How about an #IDid along with #metoo. I might be impressed by a huge turnout of men apologizing and learning.
4
I used to anonymously pre and post test students in HS as to which scenarios met the definitions of rape for accountability to my grant provider. I had to show education made a difference. All the example were examples of rape, but even the girls bought into the assumptions boys do. More tested badly than would ever become rapists, and that's how rapists get away with it. Ignorance is complicit.
3
So WHY not publish the anonymous admissions and confessions of men who committed sexual assaults, including rapes? Did your team of attorneys warn against it as a liability? The world should know that some men -- clearly not all -- but enough men still think they have the RIGHT to a sexual conquest, regardless of how that is achieved or how heinous others would see it were it exposed to the light of day. Those stories would have proved there is a full spectrum of male conscience. By only printing the stories from contrite men, you failed in your quest.
11
You lost me at "graduate high school."
It's graduate from.
5
No doubt this world is a traumatic place, perhaps it's time to go to Mars where this won't happen. What are we going to do with us?
1
And the women go to venus?
1
I'm bothered by the implication that attempting to persuade or emotionally "coerce" a peer into sexual activity is equivalent to sexual assault. Some of these stories involve clearly wrong behavior -- driving a girl somewhere and not letting her leave until she allows you to touch her sexually is imprisonment and assault, no question. But merely pestering your girlfriend to convince her into oral sex? Come on. The amount of overwrought hurt and shame (on both the male and female side) over mere verbal pestering is unnecessary, and implies that many of these people have negative views towards sexuality as shameful and dirty.
People use emotional manipulation, social pressure, pestering, and guilt ALL THE TIME to try to get you to do something you don't want to do. They do it to persuade you to give them commitment, or attention, or your time, or to eat food you don't want to eat, or to donate to charity, or get you to be exclusive, or to buy something, or to join a group, or to have sex or give affection. People negotiate in relationships to try to get what they want, often using emotional persuasion. Why is it only wrong when it involves sex?
I've had friends use emotional coercion and threats of shame and ostracism to try to force me to agree with their view of #metoo. Is that okay? Must we all cater to the behavioral standards of the most sex-negative and emotionally fragile among us? Most men, and many women, disagree with these new standards but are afraid to say so.
12
I think these confessions are rather dated for the most part and somewhat muted because the men had to reveal their identities. I think this would have been a much different article if younger men could have remained anonymous. I, for one, would have wanted to hear from a gang banger or a man who watched other men gang rape a woman and did nothing. How do these men feel about women, really. That would have helped us move the dialogue along a bit more.
15
I wish the Times would publish the anonymous accounts as well, perhaps in a follow-up to this amazing story. As a woman, it fills me with hope and relief to read about these decent men's reckoning with their mistakes. Women make them too, violating men's trust, though I suspect ours are more often of a psychological nature. Thank you NYT.
6
I moved across country to enroll in a middle school where I knew no one. I felt sorry for myself and likely that made me vulnerable. I was pushed around and attacked a few times by guys who matured during high school days to became more friendly and respectful. I didn’t require any apologies for past behaviors. In fact, they would have rather made me uncomfortable. My former attackers were who they were in the present, as far as I was concerned, and the past was another time.
I didn’t remain innocent forever. I did some kicking of myself, also, for stupid things I remembered having said or done when young. But finally I came to accept I am who I am, now. I would think there could be danger of going after adults for bad juvenile behavior because kids will reason, if we did it, they should be able to, also. Parents have been keeping secrets about their youth, hoping to prevent that from happening, for centuries. If they were right in doing so, that could mean when ‘Me too’ brings back the past to shame parents before their kids and grand kids, they may actually be perpetrating rather than deterring offences we’d like to see no more of.
Gloria Steinem and feminists once defended some of the very actions that are being denounced today. Give guys a chance. I think most will obey the rules if they’re made aware what they are. But it’s not fair going back to denounce what feminists supported, then. http://bizzyblog.com/wp-images/SteinemOnClinton03221998.jpg
1
I don't have a story to add but this issue is interestng to me. Our culture, movies, TV, magazines, ads, et. al., often send conflicting and even indecipherable messages to teenage boys and teenage girls about sex. And many times they don't yet have the maturity and emotional tools to sort them out and manage them appropriately.
These accounts tell about the inability of boys/men to manage their situation in mature and appropriate ways. I find myself feeling sorry for both people.
Perhaps the most important thing to come out of our me-too-moment is a reassessing of our oversexualized culture and preparing our youth to handle themselves in it.
3
Thank you to the men who agreed to have their stories published.
The Times should publish some of the anonymous stories. It would be useful to know what was in the mind of someone who would participate in a gang rape, for example.
10
. I did one or two things I felt I ought not to have done- but nothing more then petty meanness-, but never forced a girl. However, when I grew up -in the 50's and 60's), to even touch, to hit, slap or insult a girl-by accident- was considered beyond the pale. Boy children would run away in terror from a girl who dsuddenly began screaming if she fell, inevitably, an angry nest of woman and men would congregate & demand to know the offender. The lesson was "women are delicate" My first physical beating from being blamed for "pushing" a girl was when I was playing with ants on a hot summer street. A boy of about 7 came and pushed me over telling me this was to pay me back for having "pushed" his sister.
Since then, as I grew up, I noticed the regulay increasing segregation of play between males and females. When I asked "why can't I go and play with the girls?" I was evaded and told there were reasons and not to ask questions. I was informed by their mothers that girls should play with girls, and I should disappear. I had bathed and slept in the same beds with these girls. So now
When we teach girls to fear boys-they learn well-better then we boys do. And they scream louder.
1
I would like to raise a difficult and controversial point. A vast majority of NY Times readers absorb and process these recollections as adults. As appalling as these events were, we must all acknowledge that teenage brains are not yet fully formed. Inhibitory neurons are the last to mature. Teens have a harder time controlling impulses than adults, and males mature later than females. Let me stress forcefully....that is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for acting like a pig. But here's the question- can we hold the fully grown male accountable for his actions as a 15 year old? We all know of jerks in high school who outgrew their initial tendencies and became responsible, sociable adults. Granted, we are dealing with sexual assault here, not driving recklessly, drinking excessively or smoking pot. Do we prosecute a first time offender 14 year old who tried to grope a classmate, and ruin his life labeling his permanently as a sex offender? NOT suggesting compassion or immunity for the offender. Just suggesting we shouldn't look at him in the same light as a 23 year old who commits the same offense.
If you must troll, troll away. But hopefully we can discuss this point maturely, without malice.
6
As a male turning 18 in a Southern town of 40,000 in the mid-1970's I firmly believed in sexual equality. I was more interested in the intellectual charms of a woman than her physical ones. I dated very little in High School and didn't really feel I missed anything. In college I had a torrid affair with a young women who moved in with me for a year, a dream-come-true for a virgin male. Her extraordinary beauty hid a manipulative ego-centric personae. It hurt terribly, but when she went home for the summer I moved to NYC, 2000 miles away, to continue my BA. I enjoyed the company of my newfound gay friends in NY, something of a novelty to me, but still too hetero-centric I never got involved. Soon after I spent a semester with a fellow student, a woman, sleeping together in a kissing relationship that never (d)evolved into sexuality, not even touching. A few years later a 3rd relationship developed as I was graduating the University and though sexual in the beginning I tired of taking the initiative and on a self-imposed dare continued to live with her without having any form of sex for one full year. Afterwards I left a great job in NYC and moved to a new town. There I met my future wife, who was a philosophy undergrad then and is a tenured Professor now. Married for 30 years, my over-examined my life has led me to be, once again, totally celibate for the last 14 years to my wife's frustration. My 5-year-old (adopted from birth) will have little experiential advise from me.
I appreciate the honesty. One of the hardest parts of forgiveness is partial truths marginalizing the events more than the moment itself. It keeps you rerunning the scenario trying to change or reinterpret the missteps.
While I’m sure the young women in these stories were horrified by these events. My experience was that myself and my friends were far more aggressive in pursuit of High School Sex. Not sure why such “timed” stories were shared with the Times.
All of these incidents involve a deep selfishness, not considering at all the feelings of the girls involved. Isn't it still at the root of sexual misconduct today?
12
The "confessors" in these lame accounts risked nothing by allowing their names to be used. So many far worse experiences were endured by me and my friends when we were in school that it seems you could have found at least one man with whatever it takes to come forward with a meaningful confession of guilt.
By the way, people do not graduate high school. They graduate FROM high school.
5
Attaching the names, ages and faces to these public accounts creates a such a watered-down view.
I don't care about the 80 year old guy who put his hands down a girls pants 60 years ago. I'd rather see the NYT print the anonymized details of rape, assault, and other criminal/coercive behavior so that the world can know the truth of what nearly every woman on earth is threatened with at some point in her life.
Short of that, how about releasing aggregate statistics on the 800 responses?
13
I appreciate these men coming forward publicly. As I read their stories I saw my own experiences with so many boys and young men that I had interactions with. I graduated high school in 1984.
I hope that all my male friends, who I know to be good guys, go through this process of looking back with a truthful and humble eye.
3
The question is where are the good, fair-minded women? Matt Damon asked for balance, fairness and intelligent discussion, and was shouted down, by actress Minnie Driver and many others.
3
There have been many moments during the last year or so when I have wanted men to just stop talking and listen, for once. But I really appreciate this article, which shows that many men have listened, and have then taken the time to reflect on their own behavior and its impact on the women in their lives, and to try to make amends in some way. That is admirable and about the best one can hope for in a civilized society. It's true that many men who speak here grew up in a different time when attitudes towards women and women's agency were very different. Isn't it interesting to hear, though, how these men seemed to be confused or ambivalent about their own behavior in response to those social pressures and mores- which, to me, says that regressive attitudes towards women- where men were expected to treat women as less than fully human in some way- weren't good or healthy for anybody involved. I want my generation to do better- I think we can.
4
I recall receiving the invite from the Times and searched my memory for something that could even vaguely be construed as unseemly involving forcing myself on a woman. While I came up blank, I certainly had high school acquaintances (from a wealthy town) who would have thought nothing of forcing themselves onto a half-willing or unwilling woman.
As well, I fully believed Dr. Ford and think Kavanaugh is unworthy for the bench, but mostly because he repeatedly and haughtily lied about his past.
Having said all of this, I would like to know where are the sociological pieces on women who abuse and take advantage of men. When I see the extremist positions taken by certain feminists that 'mental' or 'emotional' abuse should be criminalized, I immediately thought of the 50 years of emotional/economic abuse that I was routinely subjected to in my dating life. Somehow, the objectification of men as 'success', 'monetary', or 'power' objects worthy of acquisition/manipulation is never the subject of any consideration. Women routinely do bad, abusive, dishonest, and emotionally manipulative things in course of getting along in life, and yet are seldom, if ever, called on it.
If we're going to criminalize all youthful indiscretions and adult bad behaviors, there will certainly be as many women in jail as men.
3
What never fails to surprise me is that the men who impose (this word covers the wide range of unwelcome behavior for the sake of brevity) themselves on women are the same ones who do not want the same done to their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. What gives? Does that mean women not related to you by birth or marriage are fair game? Must be. And men have poor impulse control. Oh well.
4
It is no wonder that everyone is confused about sexual boundaries in this country. All ages can access pornography on the Internet easily, and adultery, seduction, rape, stalking, and explicit sex scenes with casual acquaintances are prevalent in movies and TV. In the past, movie watchers might innocently stumble upon these scenes, never expecting to find such shocking content, but now we are inured. The most innocent story line we can expect is that the man and woman are attracted, they have sex, and they are now happy forever - the message being you can have instant gratification with no negative consequences, no commitment, and no complications. In addition, marriage has been debunked in large segments of the population. What are young men
and women to make of all this?
I graduated from high school in 1967 at the dawn of the "sexual revolution" and "women's liberation". Space does not allow a full discussion of the impact of that era on me or on our society. Suffice it to say, women are not just pristine sexless beings who are being assaulted by craven men. I am sadly bemused by the claims of "trauma" and "assault" when some insecure man tries to fondle a woman. In most cases, a woman can say NO clearly and mean it and she can avoid irresponsible drinking in dubious settings with unfamiliar men. This is different from true physical violence and rape.
7
Kind of benign examples. I would have like to hear from one of the some say 1 in 6 men who have confessed to actually raping someone. What do any of those guys feel now?
10
Now where's the story of eight women who emotionally (or physically) abused their partners for years before taking the kids and everything they have in court? Where's the story of the women who cheat on their partners while they're fighting overseas, clean out the bank accounts and leave them with nothing upon their return?
I understand women are having a long overdue moment right now, and #MeToo is important and significant, but there's no balance in any of this coverage. It's wall to wall "men are bad and are the root of all evil, especially white men." (Notice how all of these people are white?) You're alienating the very people you need as allies in this fight for equality. It's gotten to a saturation point where I just tune coverage like this out. People of all genders and races do terrible things to one another.
I'm not trying to equivocate here. Men need to be held accountable and learn that this behavior is unacceptable, but there's just absolutely no balance. Why is it that men have no say if their partner wants an abortion but if they keep the baby they're on the hook financially for 18 years? Why do men lose the vast majority of custody battles? Why culturally is a man's value completely wrapped up in his ability to provide for others, and that's OK? Why are suicide rates higher for men?
It's never been acceptable to abuse women. And I'm happy that all of this is coming out and we're moving forward. It's always been acceptable to abuse men.
3
After centuries of male abuse of women finally being publicly acknowledged, now is NOT the time for men to complain about the statistically exceptional abuse from women.
7
This sure sounds like equivocating. You can't talk about these issues without acknowledging the imbalanced power structure that is so deeply rooted in our society. Men have always had the power: structurally, politically, financially and physically.
Of course there will always be people, both men and women, who abuse other people. No one would disagree with that. But when you have a society that ALLOWS these things to happen with alarming frequency to one gender, you have to address the underlying causes of that.
Gender norms definitely contribute to these issues and men can be victims of these just as much as women. But not many men know what it feels like to have to be viscerally afraid and vigilant all the time. This issue is not just about the traumas that individuals inflict upon other individuals, it's about the traumas that society inflicts upon women. When women feel like they have to be on the alert for impending sexual assault at all times, and when women feel that they can't report sexual assault or harassment because of retribution and shame, there is something deeply wrong with the society that permits that.
I agree that women need allies in this fight, but the only allies we want are the ones who don't diminish our suffering. You're right, there is no balance. Women have been systematically oppressed and abused for centuries. We can't move forward until men are ready to admit that and look very carefully at their part in it.
7
We need to do a better job of teaching girls that they ALWAYS have control over their bodies and are not obligated EVER to do something they don’t want to do despite the social pressure. We need to teach boys that anything but an unequivocal “yes” means no; it doesn’t mean “step up the pressure until she gives in.” We need to teach all of our children to respect others. We need to teach our children empathy. We especially need to practice respect and empathy as adults so that the role models our children have and emulate move them forward to who we want them to be. And yet, I hear the angry, hateful rhetoric of the day and I despair. When a president constantly lies about everything, large and small, and brags about his assaults on women and there are no consequences. . When a candidate for the Supreme Court lies under oath, is confirmed anyway and the political sentiment is, “We don’t care about the impact on the victim, we won.” When a bunch of old white men are allowed to dictate what women – and only women – are allowed to do with their bodies and perpetuate rape myths (“You know she wanted it.” “I believe the female body has a way of shutting down a pregnancy during a rape.” “Why didn’t she report it?” “Why didn’t she fight back harder?”). When these things carry no real consequences, how are we ever going to achieve a society that is fair, just and equal?
8
Obviously, the men who assaulted me are not part of this story. These tiny quivering "admissions" skirt the edge of the muck. Ask women for tales of sexually assaultive behavior, and hear the vast reality of male misconduct.
17
When I was 18, a guy I was seeing emotionally manipulated me into giving him oral sex. When it was over, I didn't understand why I was crying and felt so awful and dirty. It was two years later, in college, when I heard a sexual violence educator explain that if you consent only after being badgered, because you feel like the relationship will end if you don't, that's not real consent. You have been assaulted.
Reading two different stories from these men, describing doing this to women, fills me with rage and a strange sense of validation. In all the times I've shared my story, I've never met another woman with the same experience. Or at least not one who would tell me about it. To know that this has happened/is happening all the time is enraging, but to know I'm not alone in knowing this was an assault is comforting. I wish the man who did this to me had the guts to apologize to me, or to even know he did wrong.
Thank you for sharing these, NYT.
7
I'm sorry but I completely and strongly refute that definition of "assault", and I think it's very dangerous to go down that road of thinking. People use guilt, pestering, social pressure, and emotional manipulation to get ALL KINDS of things they want that the other person doesn't really want to give -- commitment, attention, money, sex. If someone decides to give in, because they weigh the thing being asked of them as worth what they want from that person (a continued relationship or whatever it is they want), that is NOT assault. That's called relationships and the give and take and negotiation that *every* human relationship involves. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't give them oral sex, they have every right to terminate the relationship -- I would. Doing so isn't assault. Both parties have the right to seek what they want, lay out the terms of engagement, and decide whether or not to participate.
If you felt dirty and awful about it, it's probably because you thought sex (or oral sex) was dirty and awful, and you did something you didn't want to. That doesn't make it assault.
9
Perhaps you need to examine contract law. Coerced contracts are null and void. Children can't be held to them, and drunk people can challenge them. I think you are trying to think someone out of an assault. Not all assaults are rapes. Is this your problem?
4
Thanks for showing this kind of behavior isn't confined to "powerful" men.
3
One of the great gifts of the #metoo movement is the opportunity for men, or at least those who are willing to take the opportunity, to reflect on their own interactions with women. Sexism and exploitation is so ingrained in our culture that if men ask ourselves if we've ever exploited and devalued a woman in our interactions, the best we can say is, "I hope not." https://madsociologistblog.com/2017/12/20/metoo-male-privilege-and-the-i...
This is all interesting, but I’d like to see maybe an employer or two who have “pulled it out” then called in a female subordinate, preferably young” for a meeting. As the used to say, “Boys will be boys” but where are the tales of Men behaving like boars? Women have so many stories of surviving such meetings.
I met my former boss years later, after #metoo. The first words from his mouth were “I’m sorry I put you through all that.” “That” was lusty attacks, no nudity. I was 40+ and by the time I saw him again, I had “tucked it away”. He went on to recall: “That’s probably why you left.” It was! Yet over the years I had actually forgotten! His apology, accepted, and me left with a feeling of complicity. That’s how complicated these attacks can be for everyone.
5
Part 2 of this exploration should be asking women to recall at what age and moment they first realized they needed to be fearful of boys and men. This is something never talked about and maybe if boys and men realized that we are living in two different worlds, one of freedom as predator and the other as hyper vigilant prey we could begin to turn the tide. Men need to teach men how to behave and women need to learn how to set strong boundaries without fear.
7
By opening up and contritely confessing about their past transgressions, these men are showing more character than even the President of the United States has or ever will.
4
This is a farce.
While the NYTs may be doing some good by showing us the lighter fare of rape culture, these are poor examples of what passes for the undetected sex offenders in our midst.
Where are the entitled sex offenders who feel owed sex? Where is the gang rapist who advises you target the drunkest because she will soon vomit, a signal that she's going to pass out so you can do anything you want to this warm inanimate object? Where are those repeat offenders?
This is almost dangerous. Suggesting all sex offenders are repentant. I appreciate they know they behaved horribly, but this is an abnormal overview of the abnormal who sexually offend. Just because they blame it on societal pressures does not make them victims. These are the population of sex offenders who find it unrewarding and don't do it again. We hear nothing from those who gang rape from HS through college, and those Cosby types turn out to be the most prolific.
I think the NYTs owes us a taste of the repeat rapists disclosures found in social research so we can understand they believe they are entitled and women are objects with no mind of their own. A friend used to transcribe these kind of interviews and it was so disturbing she had to get therapy afterward.
This is a white wash!! I am sick of men who think women owe them, even forgiveness for hurting us. Go find solace in your own groups therapeutic. This story provides them shelter from their own kind. This is a farce.
11
Maybe I didn't understand, but why do they still call the author "Ms."? I think it's sexist and not very well placed to an article close to the topic of feminism.
But the article is great and close to reality instead of searching for the next extreme scandal.
1
It's a personal preference thing these days. I hope you are OK. Seems more like redirecting your attention while some pretty upsetting things are being expressed here. I'm upset about the lack of classic undetected rapists being addressed here. These are just one time non-adopters. No one comes near to the gang rapist Kavanaugh was accused of attempting to become.
3
I appreciate hearing the male side. It provides a basis to start a discussion, maybe not a great basis, but one nonetheless. However, I despise the inequity of the coverage. Women and other sexual assault survivors who have come forward have had to lay bare their entire existence - their name, their credentials (as if that mattered, but Dr. Ford had to), their photos - for others to judge their truth. One man wrote "I don't want to wreck my life coming forward with this". Really. You had no problem wrecking someone else's. The double standard that the NYT is perpetuating is a cultural misstep on a national stage.
5
After Dr. Ford came forward with her story, memories of my past came flooding back. After discussions with friends about our high school experiences I noticed a pattern with many male friends, many would admit that they were shy or terrified of talking to women, so the idea of being sexually aggressive was out of the question. I took issue with that statement, it felt like they hid behind that shyness and failed to admit the obvious, shy or not, they respected boundaries.
I think we have just touched the surface of the very real and serious issues of sexual assault, what it means and what can be done to fix this culture of sexual entitlement.
I respect the men who came forward to share their stories and afflictions. Most often it is the victim/survivor that is haunted for years or even a lifetime by the actions of their perpetrator. I think very few understand how life changing this can be for a victim/survivor. The lack of trust in humanity completely changes, all the what if's that run through the brain, sometimes even blaming yourself for events that were completely out of your control and of course the all encompassing sadness that often never leaves.
I want everyone to recognize the pain and suffering of many who were forced into terrible and unspeakable acts of horror. It is time for open dialogues with children so they can grow up understanding the difference between right and wrong, yes and no and above all complete respect for one another.
6
I know we're supposed to applaud these men for their "bravery" and "honesty" and ability to change, but...well, Kavanaugh was a game changer for me. Honestly? The forces that are constantly and easily marshaled to help men feel better for their bad behavior is precisely why it continues.
I am legitimately glad that the man who groped that breast never did it again. The same goes for the man who "pressured" his girlfriend for oral sex. Now I find myself wondering what images come to their minds when those women recall those moments? How did they process coercion and force? Do they spend a great deal of time conjuring the look in those men's eyes? Or do they remember an anonymous hand squeezing them in the dark, a hand forcing their head down?
Speaking of looks...there is a very evident ghost story here, one literally rendered on the page. Consider the hundreds, the thousands, of women who have come forward to address the grotesque abuses they allege they endured. If you cannot single out one, let Dr. Blasey Ford's face stand in for all of those women. And I do mean visualize them. We can because they not only had the courage of their convictions, they had the courage to use their real names and show their actual faces. And they paid a price for that.
And as these ghostly, discretely whited out faces that accompany this article show, that is a very real and daunting courage these men could not quite muster.
15
Excellent commentary -- thank you for calling this out!
2
My first thought was how unlike Trump (and Kavanaugh, and the Republican members of the Judiciary Committee) all of these men are, in that they are capable of feeling shame for their actions, and desire to apologize and make amends, even if they were incapable of taking direct personal responsibility in the moment, or, even now, are.
So as egregious as some of their conduct may have been, I thank them for coming forward and letting women at large know that they have actually thought about their actions and regret them. I know the NYTimes does not function as a truth-and-reconciliation panel, but I'm sorry that it decided not to publish anonymous accounts, which may have done something both for the men involved, and perhaps for the woman to whom, one imagines, each man was apologizing, and who might have recognized herself.
I wish Trump, Kavanaugh, the Republican Judiciary Committee, and all the rest who dismiss women's allegations with the dangerous excuse of "innocent until proven guilty" (as if the actual standard of societal responsibility and acceptability for acts from sexual assault to now, apparently, torture and beheading were the criminal prosecutor's burden to "prove it beyond a reasonable doubt") were capable of such reflection and, yes, shame. Because that atavistic standard leaves all of us essentially in a dangerous free-for-all, at the mercy of those who do not feel shame or take personal responsibility for their egregious and harmful actions against others.
You forgot to include Bill Clinton, an accused rapist, and Hillary, who immediately said that every single of his accusers was a liar.
1
I was very disappointed that none of these confessions involved actual rapes. Where are the rapists confessions? These men are sorry for pushing unwanted advances on women, but those events are still nowhere near as bad as actually being raped. I suspect that the perpetrators of date rape, which happened to many of us, aren't sorry because they probably behaved this way many times to many women. If I could find my rapist of 50 years ago, I would contact him and have him face the reality.
3
Simple answer: if they confessed for committing rape, they could be arrested.
What these mea culpas demonstrate is this: That many men find it impossible to have a woman come into viewing range, and then have their initial as well as subsequent thoughts be: friend, co-worker, colleague, fellow student. Human being first and foremost. Human being like me. Not sexual object, not exotic thing, not a collection of physical attributes with a high speaking voice, not a chess piece in men's status games. These men are sorry for a specific awful action, and that's laudable. But what they write says: women were objects, most guys see them that way, expected, normal.
Hopeless.
5
To Patrick Herron: Thank you for sharing. But I must react. Your actions as a teen turned my stomach.
I appreciate you going on the record, but this sentence was cowardice personified: "I did not offer an apology because the circumstances of the interaction were public, with other classmates and family around us." Really? You couldn't just lean in and quietly say, "I'm sorry for how I treated you when we were teens"? I hope you teach (or have taught) your millennial son to respect women - and not sexually assault them.
8
In aggregate, these stories seem tame. They are the equivalent of a confession about MY WORST FLAW: I work too hard and consequently don't pay enough attention to my deserving loved ones.
Maybe the stories the Times didn't print were the baddies, or maybe the men who committed the worst offenses don't regret them. As I look back on my life as a female (with, I think, fairly typical experiences) I remember a number of men who could contribute examples of male misbehavior, genuine dillies -- if they did, indeed, regret them.
4
I was really touched by the stories by Lee Montgomery and Gene Biringer. Biringer gained empathy for women when he experienced being prey to a man's lust. Attractive young women (like Montgomery's P.) often feel like they are hunted and that feeling of powerless is terrifying. It's a betrayal of one's humanity. Kudos to those men who shared.
As a teenage girl in the 1970s I felt pressured to have sex not only by boys, but by other girls as well. If you weren't "doing it" there was something wrong with you. You weren't cool and you were missing out on one of the activities that signified adulthood. There was pressure to drink, to do drugs, to drive cars fast, and to act as though you were an adult when you weren't.
There were boys and men who were respectful of how naive and unsure I was, and there were those who were not. In general, sexual experiences were far from rewarding and although it would be easy to just blame the guys who took advantage of situations, in reality an entire culture is to blame.
We need to teach our young people the words and tools to navigate the world of sexuality. And most of all, instill self-respect, because from that comes respect for all others.
1
I not only educated youth to the risks of sexual assault and domestic violence, but dabbled in teen pregnancy prevention, too. The power of peers is a big factor, but most kids are poorly informed. Far fewer are sexually active than most kids assume, so they succumb to false beliefs trying to be "normal."
This is also true of sex offenders. Only 15% of males attempt sexual assault before age 25. About 5% are rapists. How many of us thought all boys do this? Maybe that's why some of them try it?
1
Only? Only 5% of males are rapists. That’s “only” 8.15 million men. And 8.15 million or more women victims whose lives have been ruined.
As for attempted rape before age 25, 15% of men totals more than 24 million predators.
Thanks for shining a light on the pervasiveness of the problem in America.
1
This is a really misguided effort and is in terrible taste. Any benefit of these men "telling their stories" of abuse and misconduct clearly has not been weighed against the impact on the people they hurt. Their victims. Women who might be reading this. Whose story is being told without their consent. It feels like just another abuse of power. If these men want to make reparation for the women they hurt, they could donate some money to organizations supporting survivors of the kind of bad behavior and abuse they perpetrated.
3
As I read these stories, I at first felt satisfaction that their guilt had stayed with them for years, and that they knew what they had done was wrong. But then I felt a simmering anger that now, by telling their stories, they can release their guilt and shame and move on. Let me tell you, I knew those same boys. I knew Brett Kavanaugh. And these belated apologies do NOTHING for me. I can't forget their actions, and I will never forgive them.
6
Mr. Biringer touched the crucial part of what happens to girls and women under these circumstances. The shock of realizing that, suddenly and with aggressive force, you are not on an equal basis with the guys; you are "hurt, disappointed, indignant and bewildered. Those feelings freeze one up. The curtain goes down and you never retrieve that sense of freedom and fun again in quite the same way.
5
One thing that all of these stories reveals either overtly or covertly is how little, if at all, the personhood of the woman matters in how a man views what he is doing or is about to do. It seems to be all about themselves, what they can “get away with.” So, on some level these men knew they were doing something transgressive. I found it a sad irony that in their actions these particular men found their own psyches wounded and their own sense of self shamed. But how many millions of other men never, ever think about the situation again? That is what should make the nation’s men hang their heads in shame.
5
It's nice to see that men can admit that they pushed women too hard when they were teenagers to have sex. A lot of these men, like me, were teens in the 70's. I was pushed a lot by guys to have some type of sex back then and one guy dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him. But I hardly remember those encounters and I could handle that stuff. It was the adult who molested me when I was 4, the teacher who was inappropriate with me in high school, the guy who attached my friend when we were traveling, and the male bosses who've bullied me for the last 30 years at work, those are the men who really ticked me off. This is called male privilege and people have avoided the topic for 50 years. Thanks for finally having men bring it up and start thinking about what they need to do about it.
2
Bringing in the perpetrator's perspective to a discussion on gendered sexual violence was an idea with great potential; however, in this circumstance, the concept remained only good in theory. These testimonials feel, not like acknowledgements of past wrongs, but like explanations of personal growth. "I am better than that now," each of these men seems to say. "I understand I ought to apologize," they establish. Placing the emphasis on their personal progress and their assertions that they are no longer abusers, keeps the men involved from accepting responsibility, and shoves that responsibility onto their younger selves. Allowing this shift misses a key point: for everyone you have abused, you will always be their abuser, no matter how significantly your personal growth changes you. You, as you are now, ought to accept equal responsibility. Your change will stop more violence, but your growth cannot fix what you've done. Nothing can fix what you're done. We can never dig up the body you have buried.
3
If they wanted to make amends they could access some serious research examples of undetected rapists, but get ready to lose a few nights sleep. Repeat rapists are seriously creepy and very entitled. I've read some of that research, but it is unforgettable. One woman I know who transcribed this stuff had to get therapy. They see themselves as masters of our universe.
2
Should we look at Mulholland Drive as rape? I wonder why we don't consider all truly forced sexual contact as rape - not just the instances that actually involve penetration. Our definition of rape is faulty.
Few of the comments touch on the tremendous fear of getting pregnant that accompanies rape. Perhaps this is because the majority of American women grew up in a country where abortion is safe and legal. But imagine what it was like for those of us who couldn't take a pill the day after if we were assaulted. Can you imagine the horror of having to carry a rapist's baby? And being faced with the choice of giving up your own child, or raising a baby that was conceived in violence? A baby that might have a propensity for such violence in his or her own DNA?
Even just being "talked in to consent" by someone you thought you loved came with the threat of pregnancy. I can't help but wonder if one significant reason that teenaged boys and girls approach sex so differently is that for the boys it was just fun and overwhelming sensation - there was no potential life-changing element to it.
4
sorry: when I was out with a bunch of folks who were older than me and I was wearing a make love not war lapel pin, I drank too much beer (to this day I hate beer) and walked home with a college student (we were on a student exchange in Austria) We started kissing, and it was great-loved the making out-- but before I knew it he pulled my panties aside and penetrated me. Very weird, I was shocked, but really really it has not ruined my life. Of course would have been differnt if I ahd become pregnant I know, My best friend in HS was raped at gunpoint in her apartment and held for over 24 hours... she was terrorized- and then the shrink she saw asked her to reflect on why she might have been raped because she chose to live off campus......
I let a foolish young oaf go too far very fast when we were both drunk. She was RAPED. It is NOT the same thing.
Women: own your own actions. Do not let yourself be cajoled, don't get drunk at frat parties. I am not excusing the Brett Kavanaugh's of the word, just saying we must empower ourselves as much as we need to educate young men.
5
Rape is rape. Penetration without consent. Sexual assault is usually an umbrella term for all forms of sexual contact without consent from popping a bra strap or giving a guy a wedgie to gang rapes. It depends on one's jurisdiction. I can see you are doing a lot of thinking on this subject and suggest you turn to you own state's statues to see what they think constitutes sex crimes.
For a time, AZ defined putting anything in one's mouth without consent rape. Kids I educated flipped out thinking a stupid act of cruelty like that could get you on the sex offenders list. So it's not a sex crime anymore, just assault. One must touch a mouth to genitalia to be considered a rapist. So if Kavanaugh had managed to touch Debbie's mouth with his penis in the 1980s in AZ, he'd be toast.
1
I never thought for a second that Brett Kauvanugh was not going to be confirmed, however I was hoping he could admit it and say something like one of the men in this article. "It is entirely possible for people to mature and be good citizens and to leave behind youthful bad behavior. But to do so requires admitting to wrongdoing." I believe these men are remorseful. I wish I could say the same for our new Supreme Copurt Justice.
4
So. Now what? What are these men doing to teach their sons and grandsons to do better? What are they doing to help the women in their life process the stuff they have been through? What are they doing to impact the current politics that attack victims of harassment and enable the harassers? I am glad they feel regret, that is the appropriate feeling. But what are they doing with this feeling?
3
One comment in particular stood out to me as representative of the larger misunderstanding about sexual assault. The boy who had pressured a girl sexually later found himself in an unwanted attempted seduction by an older male and he wrote that he at once recognized what an uncool feeling it was to be viewed as "an object of his desire". Let's be clear - sexual assault is NEVER about desire - it is about control. Big difference.
1
Politically, right now, the Republicans are developing the strategies that will repeat in the gender arena their success in the late 1960's and '70's in the racial arena. At that time, as progressives, liberals and eventually the center moved toward supporting voting rights and equal opportunity, the Republicans led by Nixon developed the wink wink strategies of giving lip service to racial justice, but supporting 'states' rights,' de facto segregation, 'law & order,' and ultimately mass incarceration. Now the Republicans are giving lip service to opposing sexual oppression, but supporting deny deny deny, attack the victim (or the messenger), opposing regulations that encourage victims to come forward, etc. We saw it in action in the Kavanaugh hearings, we hear it in the 'it's a bad time for men' rhetoric. Soon, if not already, sexual oppression will be newly weaponized as a vote getting tactic of the right.
3
THANK YOU SO MUCH. All of you. Journalists, men who are contributing and opening themselves up to so much risk and vulnerability, people who are chiming in with kindness, thoughtfulness, tenderness even. Women who are doing the compassionate work of repair so that we might build a world we want to invite our daughters to breathe in...this conversation matters a great deal.
Agree, but we need men like these to bring those who enjoy doing what they found disgusting to justice. A lot of men know gang rapists and do nothing to stop them. Time to decide whether to allow the status quo or to kick the hornet's nest.
1
I hope these men have had discussions and reflections like this with the women in their lives, not just with the NYTimes readers. My husband and I have talked about our past, about things we've done and experienced, in the context of #metoo and we've found healing and comfort in it.
While I definitely think their is a problem of "toxic masculinity" in the country, I also think there is a crisis of female passivity. As some of these stories showed the girls involved couldn't even say "no" to activities they clearly did not want. Many women today still have problems asserting themselves socially or at work. I am sure a lot of this passivity circles back to men and social/cultural roles, but clearly changes are needed on both sides and in how men and women relate.
1
I'm a 65 year old woman and a "me too" victim who've read these admirable stories and are to my own experience of a 'light wait' nature. Are there men who have raped woman or men that are willing to expose the nature of the rape experience to public scrutiny. I think not. This is for those men who have a conscience and are generally good people.
2
I find the stories of Terry, Max and Arthur interesting in that they didn't force the girls to do something, but recognized that the girls were not enjoying themselves or didn't want to engage with them sexually in the way they did. While I'm glad that the men felt some remorse for what they did and realized that they engaged in a non-complicit encounter, I feel that women have a responsibility -- in a non-threatening situation -- to speak up and vocalize when they don't want to do something. I'm a 48 year-old woman, and I have been fortunate never to have been sexually assaulted or in a situation where multiple boys/men threatened me; when I was young I said "No" clearly when I wasn't interested in a particular situation. I was astounded by the Aziz Ansari accusations because I feel that women have the right and responsibility to stand up for themselves and walk away if they don't like what's happening. Men certainly have a lot to account for in sexual transgressions, but there is a huge difference between the above-mentioned men's stories and the stories of actual coercion through intimated threats or physical force.
4
I very much appreciate the men who have come forward. I would have liked to see the anonymous ones also. I think in order to really have a serious conversation, men have to be able to come forward without risking losing everything. We desperately need to be having this conversation. I need to know there are men out there who regret the things they have done. I don't need to know their names. I need to know they are thinking about the women's stories they have read. I appreciate this article very much but hope it is a beginning and not a one off.
5
I would prefer to read about how the perpetrators attempted to make amends with the target These actions require much more courage than telling their story to the NYTimes. These examples of reconciliation would be the most helpful to other males who would like to really take responsibility for their behaviour.
We have enough examples of this behaviour; it permeates the media culture; movies, tv, social media, pornography.
Sad and frustrating and disappointing in this type of journalism as it does not affect positive change for the multiple targets.
1
It's clear from these stories that the social pressures that lead to aggressive sexual behavior have marked and haunted many men, too. I don't mean to victimize the aggressor, but I do think a more productive (and healing!) conversation would be one in which stories like these are heard and understood, too.
Someone here asked what it was like in the 1980s. Well, it was a heady, post-sexual-revolution time when EVERYONE -- boys and girls -- felt pressure to be "cool". I'll lighten the mood a bit by sharing my pathetic early experiences:
The first time I was 14, when the girl I'd been seeing said she was coming over to "do it". I chickened out immediately -- but what could I do? She was riding her bike all the way over at night. What followed was a slapstick, fumbling affair, (including long minutes of trying to put a condom on backwards). The next day she told the whole school what a klutz I'd been. It was a bit humiliating, except for the fact that a pretty girl HAD ridden over to have sex with me. Or so I consoled myself.
The next attempt was with an older neighbor, who bragged about having had lots of sex with her 20-something boyfriend. She was annoyed with my fumbling but finally rolled me over and got on top. That almost saved it.
It wasn't until Freshman year in college that I finally worked up the courage to simply ask a woman for directions: "please, for the love of all that's holy, tell me what I need to do so you will leave this room happy and satisfied". Luckily, this woman had a sense of humor and walked me through it all.
Advice for the young: Never, ever have sex when drunk. Arrange to get together sober, then (for pity's sake), talk to each other about what you want, what turns you on. If you're really not ready for sex, say so.
5
And this shines a lot on the myriad way men coerce women into sex just how?
1
A few months ago I was talking to my girlfriend about my first experience with butt grabbing. It happened in high school. A girl grabbed my butt in the hallway on my way to class. When I turned around, she acted as if nothing happened and I didn't know how to react. That's how I learned how to do it and I did it to some other high school girls. I carried that behavior through college.
My point is that not all male-on-female behavior is necessarily taught by other boys.
2
Questions: Shouldn't you have reported this assault? And if you felt what happened to you was wrong, why did you do it to others? And since it was done to you, a boy, why didn't you do it to other BOYS if your point here is that you were taught something from your encounter?
2
"I cannot lose my employment. I cannot lose my reputation,” one said."
No problem. Simply run as a republican in any state or Federal race, become a judge at the higher levels of the courts, and you'll be protected by a wall of powerful, towel snapping trump supporters because remember, men are the victims here.
15
I can guess rapists vote Republican because the GOP holds women in the same light they do. They want to dictate what we do with our bodies because they think we don't know our own minds.
Of course, rapists are exceptionally selfish and narcissist, so they may go with their own self-interests if they are paying attention.
2
You do a disservice to all rape victims to portray rapists as only being republican. Shame on you.
1
The only one that impressed me was the man who was sexually coerced by a male coworker. Finally, a man who truly knows how it feels! I am 75 years old and have been sexually assaulted many times, beginning with my father, running through bosses, coworkers, dates, and one doctor. Most of these encounters would not legally be considered assault, but in all of them I felt violated, outraged, terrified, and soiled. An HR person at a huge corporation I worked for felt free to ask intimate questions, making their answers a condition of employment. I had one marriage, ending in his passing away, where I always felt safe, cherished, and free. My current marriage is a constant battle to maintain selfhood and autonomy. I feel sure I will be long dead before women are free of these kinds of experiences. Maybe it will never happen. Men are adept at keeping us “in our place,” usually under them, literally and figuratively.
5
I cannot believe that the editors at the New York Times felt it worthwhile publishing this damning display of self-righteous agony and regret. Honestly, who cares? Who, besides a psychotherapist needs to hear the mea culpa of sexual abusers? These men abused girls when they were high school students and the NYT is giving them a platform to do what? Apologize? To whom? The only people who need to hear about this abuse are the abused in the form of a profound and heartfelt apology full of regret and self-effacement. Shame on these men who think coming clean is something worthy of the pages of the New York Times. And shame on you, editors, for thinking this is the way to address this horrific reality.
3
Problem #1: We are conditioned to be ashamed of desire, sexual pleasure, our naked bodies. Problem #2: Much of white society deems it proper for only limited information to be given to young children about their bodies, their desires and feelings and how their bodies work and drive their thoughts and actions. Problem #3: There is so much biology that is driving these behaviors, but no one to provide illumination to both boys and girls, women and men so they understand themselves. Problem#4: Sexual drive in males arrives with testosterone which can be coupled with aggression. Sexual drive for women comes much later generally, and for women to be aroused they need a dance, an interaction, 'mating behaviors'. In general women's arousal is more complex, but more enduring, and very rewarding for all parties. Not so much the male's.
2
Good article. Can I assume the NYTIMES will do a follow up on women's regrets about acting bad towards men? Or is it only men who do bad things?
1
All these accounts are from people who seem to lack intelligence and a clear sense of right and wrong. If a woman is not interested in you, SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. Use your carefully evolved instincts honed over thousands of years to figure it out in the moment. My God.
3
What struck me is how some of the men recall being "frozen" when certain situations occurred. All expressed regrets, years later, and talk about how the incident has haunted them. Maybe this perspective will help those unwilling to do so, see why Professor Hill and Dr. Ford did not say anything at the time.
I also point out that the men fondled at OSU never spoke out until recently. How come their stories were not doubted like Dr. Ford's and Professor Hill's?
8
The articles were thought provoking. I was moved to tears at times for the victims yet in a way they are all victims of circumstance, no? Decisions that were made due to society's norms, poor choices and peer pressure as indicated by the men. The women bear the brunt of those decisions by carrying unwelcome feelings from the abuse.
Have things really changed that much in 2018?
1
>
I accept that men are in general jerks, beasts; you can blame nature for this. Male Lions after taking over a pride, kill all the cubs of the defeated males; the females accept this and mate again. Quite frankly, I have trouble understanding female heterosexuality at all, but then I realize that the "Will" is running this bad play. One doesn't live life, life is lived.
What I categorically reject is this idea that women are angels falling from the heavens, which is nothing more than a power grab tactic, which I can appreciate but doesn't change the fact.
“life”- all life -“the world… is will to power, and nothing besides”
Nietzsche
1
A couple of thoughts really
Thank you to those men who put themselves forward.
Violence against women in particular will not end until men and women stop believing the lie of male ascendancy.
Respect - acknowledgment that all human beings are equal,irrespective of gender, race, religion, creed, age, ability, marital status, nationality, wealth, status ..........Have i missed anything ??? - Is fundamental.
1
I would have liked to have known what political party they belong to. Feels like guilt propaganda to get men to vote Democrat.
Wonder if Justice Kavanaugh has any regrets?
1
I doubt it. Just getting caught. He was trying to procure evidence Debbie was still his friend before we ever heard of his abuse of her. Then he acted like he never heard of her. He was in full defensive posture. That's not remorse. That's belligerence.
2
Age 15-18 1975-1978 ........in a once wealthy suburb outside of Philly
I was physically and sexually abused, victim shamed, humiliated privately and publicly by my high-school boyfriend on and off for three years. He was a rich entitled privileged kid. I was not. I had little agency to say "no". When I did fight back, there was more abuse followed by I Iove you.
He was a serial cheater and bully. He isolated me from my friends and groomed his buddies to come to his defense. He was often high and drunk, but these incidents also happened while he was straight. There was no parental supervision at his home.
I never told my parents because I was afraid of of what they would do to me.
I broke every rule my parents taught me about respecting myself. I knew I would break their hearts if they ever found out.
Friends knew what was happening. Back then, no-one wanted to get involved and help because of his bullying. I was so ashamed of myself and still am.
I moved forward in life: graduate education, good marriage and family. But scars run deep.
Forty years have passed. Recently, I saw this man from afar and had a panic attack with heart palpitations. This is NOT over for me. The #MeToo movement, and the Kavanaugh hearings have opened up a well of feelings. I found a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma and have decided to go back into therapy for PTSD.
I REGRET that my high school abuser has never once acknowledged the damage he caused me.
6
Nice job. But I won't hold my breath waiting on the report from 8 women on how they regret the way they treated men. You can start with my ex wife. It's this consistent man bashing one sided reporting that has helped to elect our current president. When will you finally realize a balanced and fair approach is the only way forward?
This is a good start. But it's so understated. I'd like to see eight stories about white males who murdered multiple WOCs. Because we know most white men do this. And if eight men do this, it's a fair assumption that almost all men murder Women of Color, and probably Women of Not Color too.
When they were young teens, I told my boys that one day, they would see a girl being threatened by other boys and if they didn't do something to rescue her, they would regret it all of their lives.
A few years later, my youngest son walked into that exact situation, during a raucous party at his frat house. He rescued the girl with a deft bit of bravado, telling the drunk frat brothers that the girl was his date (she wasn't).
Ten years later, that brilliant, beautiful, amazing young woman is still madly in love with my son and they are engaged to be married.
8
Very Powerful and compelling...
1
Were the "anonymous" gang rapists reported to the police?
1
I've seen and heard and watched both sides, for some time now. Both sides bear a great deal of responsibility in the current state of affairs and it's mainly one side being asked to fess up and be accountable. The preponderance of sheer manipulation in corporate America in the arena of sexual harassment is staggering. Claims of harassment have become a blood sport in the workplace - calling into question the veracity of ALL incidents, real and fabricated. My wife and I believe the workplace has become toxic and it's far from being just one gender's fault. Also, we've watched as our three sons, now in their mid to late teens, have entered dating relationships with female peers from other cultures. Hispanic, African American and Asian. It's not like parents can tell their kids whom to date, but we (especially my wife) have taught our sons how destructive some of the cultural triggers they have been exposed to, are. For example, network television ads in which the father is always a clumsy idiot. Associated Press reported a little boy expelled from school for three weeks for kissing a little girl on the playground. He was just a child. My wife, from Hong Kong and holder of a master's degree, told the boys that the portrayals send the message that all men are idiots. Even our youngest son, just turned 16, observed recently that so many of his male friends are always apologizing to the girls, for imagined slights, or as preemptive apologies.
1
I could list many sexual aggressions against me over many years, but my comment is not intended to express "Me Too." I am actually happy to finally hear from men. Since the beginning of the great sharing of Me Too stories I kept thinking - why are almost all of the men silent? Right or wrong, I felt men were waiting for women to tell them what they should say, or feel. I hope that the Times has opened a door that more men will choose to walk through. We need more than individual stories from women, we need conversations. If we don't all participate in exhuming the hurtful, the shame, the social pressures of today and of the past, how can we ever resolve what should happen now? This is especially true when the offense is uncovered long after the fact. Most important, how will we learn what to say to our sons and our daughters?
1
This is a good thing to do in publishing these accounts, as it does remind us of our shared human need for connection, sex, etc. often in a very ignorant, and shameful way at a young age. However, the fact that sex education was not something that was talked about much until about 30 years ago with my own children, should remind us how very primitive the human animal is in its existence of tens of thousands of years that it has procreated. We shouldn't believe that what we are outraged about at this time in history, was even able to be uttered by females in the past, only males. Thank God, that times have changed, or at least I hope they are. However, each generation of boys, and girls, gays, and transgender, etc., needs to be taught explicitly about the strongest drive there is in the species, sex, it joys, pains, emotions, and dangers (assault, pregnancy, rape, and sexually transmitted diseases), and responsibility for raising future generations in a sexually healthy way.
2
Are you kidding me??? An anonymous platform for "mea culpas"? It's personally about invasion of one's body/mind/spirit. "Sorry" is rarely enough. From a perpetrator it's a confession, not an apology.
3
I feel disappointed in how NYT decided to present it in their own words, some filled with excuses. "Oh, well, it never went that far, or that bad." I feel more interested in hearing the anonymous remorse of a man regarding much worse scenarios than an 82 year old man remembering how he kissed someone who didn't want to be kissed. It's easier to come forward and regret that. Especially when you are asking the women reading this to give you absolution, while you blame it on society and those around you.
7
I don't know. there is a lot of "it was different back then, rules have changed now". But it seems like most men knew something felt off when they were engaging in whatever non-consensual activity even if the other person did not say no. Looks like there is a pretty strong built-in moral sense in humans- it does not necessarily mean people follow it.
But it has suddenly become very clear how simple consent is to me after reading these essays: if what you are doing feels wrong, and you all can feel or pick up on this from the other person, just stop and think, discuss, leave, etc.
3
This is my husband's account but I am very grateful for the honesty and owning of the behavior. For me it is healing, the acknowledgment after so many years of direct or tacit disbelief. We all need to tell the truth and be believed. So I choose to believe their regrets.
1
A large portion of males who attempt sexual assault never do so again. It's the narcissist, the gutless wonder who thinks he's owed it. Repeat offenders who gladly brag about it to others they think hold the same views of women and real men. Way to whitewash the whole cohort, NYTs! Like you didn't get a wealth of braggarts in your mix.
1
One of my friends recently mentioned that a hashtag for perpetrators - men and women - would be a great idea, something like #whatiregret. I agreed, our reasoning was that it would or could divert the concept of good/bad, innocent/guilty or black/white and show that people make mistakes because unspoken societal rules and historically created power structures are influencing them, not because they are evil or depraved. This revelation could convince people even more that movements like #metoo aren't working against certain genders, but are working for a society in which noone has to feel the need to do things that are hurtful to others. Moreover, personal stories of perpetrators could help people to reflect on their own behavior and to draw lines where they didn't draw them before. And, almost most importantly, their must be a way for perpetrators to apologize. Not to be forgiven right away, and not in order to excuse their actions, but to publicly or privately condemn their own actions and ask for help to work with and on what they have done, and thus to contribute to making people feel safer. After all they are the ones who know best how and why assaults happen in the first place and how they might be prevented from the perpetrator's view/side. Therefore - thank you, New York Times, for that report! And thanks to the men who were brave enough to tell their stories.
2
Thank you to these men that were willing to bring these incidents into the public forum along with their names. It is stories like these that may help educate others and help to open the dialogue between men and women on this subject. There are so many that dismiss the impact of these acts, deny or excuse them.
I understand why the NYT doesn't want to publish accounts that are anonymous but it would be illuminating to read and consider them.
2
I'm encouraged that these men had the decency to feel shame for what they did and to grow into better human beings. I think the other lesson here is that we need to teach our daughters (and learn for ourselves) that we don't have to stay silent, we don't have to be polite. Of course, we should never have to, but we are entitled to speak up, to push back against this behavior. That won't stop more aggressive and violent assaults, but it would be step forward, for men and women.
1
I think it is helpful and humanising to hear these stories about men's regrets about behaviour that has gone slightly over the line. I think the constraints of good journalism--not reporting anonymous comments--limit the benefits of doing so.
In some instances, some of the cases seem to be remembered in a way that shows the story teller in a positive light (even though I didn't force her, I just pressured her, I felt remorse, even though I wasn't in the room, I felt remorse). And I think that for many women these stories will not ring completely true.
Obviously few men would either anonymously or with a name confess to committing a crime.
Yet, many women would say that at least one time in their lives, violence--or another kind of extortion--was intertwined with sex in a way that made them feel they were trapped, coerced, drugged or duped into having sex that they did not want.
So, while talking to men about their experiences with sex that ultimately they felt remorse for is worthy and wonderful, expecting it to be really revealing or helpful is probably unrealistic.
3
I appreciate your asking the question and men expressing their regret for past behaviors. Yet, I was stunned by the limited range of behaviors reported. I understand that you only printed a small subset, but still.
I graduated from high school in 1970 - and I can tell you the pressure for sex and treatment I received at boys' hands was FAR WORSE than any described. What is so sad was: it was the norm. Hardly worth talking about, let alone report. Girls knew that dating was viewed by boys as the necessary, manipulation to get sex - and ASAP. Not only was the sexual intimidation/abuse demeaning and dangerous - it made it virtually impossible for teenage girls to relax and explore/enjoy their own sexuality.
The instances described here are sadly unrepresentatively tame to me.
10
The sexual revolution established a concept that was not previously prevalent- sex without love was a good thing. I have often heard individuals, both male and female, describing a brief involvement with someone by stating "it was just sex!" I clearly do not contend that the 70's changes in sexual attitudes justified sexual abuse (although I am certain those changes resulted in increased levels of abuse.) Rather, we created an environment where abusers were more frequently placed in a situation where abuse was possible. I foolishly hope for a return to a time when boys and girls had relatively long term boyfriends and girlfriends and were not out looking to "hook up." Unfortunately, few, particularly our leaders, seem to share that longing.
3
What stands out most to me in these encounters, is there is not one, single, thought given to a woman's sexuality or what makes women respond sexually. None. The only thing pertinent was their pleasure and power over women.
Perhaps if men were educated about how a woman's body actually works and what makes us respond sexually, they wouldn't need to "take" their pleasure from women.
8
These stories although useful, are a very limited view. The results were bound to be skewed towards those with self-insight and regret. All involve behavior in high school a long time ago.
This is not an accurate picture of misbehavior by men in America. The Times should have thought long and hard about publishing this article without also providing statistics on cases of harassment in the workplace, sexual assault, etc. along with a discussion of how even these statistics are skewed by underreporting.
I do applaud the men who have come forward. Now go out and tell your stories to the current generation of young men, if you really want to something substantial.
6
I think you ned to let in some anonymous stories. These are touching and shameful but I feel to 'light-weight' to touch on the full extent to what happens to young women at the hands of young men who then, as now, are not being told any better.
6
i truly believe i never made inappropriate physical contact with any woman. and, i know i've said things that created discomfort, embarrassment and shame for girls and women that i knew in school, work and public.
most of this occurred in my teen years and early 20s. i'm guessing that my frontal-cortex began to operate in my mid-20s and i began to behave like a decent adult. i became a better man.
and, i was part of the problem. i am sorry
4
I graduated in 1970 from high school. These were the start of the crazy days of the 70's. Every week it seemed a new partner drifted in and then out of my life, sex was easy, everyone seemed into it, pot was plentiful as was alcohol.
I don't believe I was ever inappropriate with anyone, you didn't have to be, it was the 70's. A lot of it still seems a blur , a warm fuzzy blur, yet a blur never-the less.
1
Apropos of Terry Wheaton's story, he was there to detect the nuances of the situation and we are not, but what he recounts is that he kissed Diane repeatedly and "She just sat there." It is with the benefits of 20-20 hindsight that he now knows he "should have stopped." He claims that Diane "obviously didn't even want to kiss," but the question is how he knew, or knows, that. It is not obvious to me what terrible wrong he did to her. I wonder how Diane would recall the incident.
I was stupid and self-centered when I did some of the things I did in high school and college. Later on, when I married a woman who I had gone to college with, I learned of some of the games and manipulations the women in the dorms were doing as well, but the greater weight of the malfeasance was with the boys who fell into the roles of aggressors and initiators. It was part of our taken-for-granted sex role culture. It just was. I don't think any of us thought we were damaging anybody, we just wanted what we wanted. And now I cringed inwardly when I think of the stupid stuff I did. I wish I could find these girls and women and apologize. I don't know what good it would do -- some of it was 50 years ago -- but I still do ...
4
"I don't think any of us thought we were damaging anybody, we just wanted what we wanted."
You just didn't care. You view women as equals, or as people who mattered. Gross gross gross gross gross.
4
Similar to Brett Kavanaugh, who apparently also wanted what he wanted and laughed with his buddy about it. Are you men seeing the parallels?
It is startling and encouraging to hear this level of honesty from ordinary men concurrent with deny-deny-deny from political leaders.
5
I appreciate the brave men who have told their stories and apologized to the women they believe they harmed. The NY Times says there are many more difficult stories they have not published because the men did not want to divulge their names. I would find it helpful if the NY Times would provide a summary of the types of stories not published to let the public to give the readers a context of what still can't be said. Were the unpublished stories closer to rape and assault ? Did they include more force? Or, where they more of the same ?
Finally, I think it might be helpful if the Times could publish some happy stories of first sexual experiences to give today's young men and women an idea that they can be beautiful and memorable for all the right reasons. I am reminded of the telling of a friend's story that took place in Europe; she and her boyfriend rode their bikes home, stopped in a field somewhere along the way, and had their first consensual sexual experience. She didn't tell me all that happened, but remembered it magically.
4
Thank you for this article. It highlights how moral choices we make as young people can haunt us most of our lives. As an educator and volunteer for Facing History and Ourselves, I believe we need to help adolescents understand the consequences of their moral decisions. What we are witnessing in your country today is, to me, a desperate grasping for a return to the gender relations of the 50s and 60s.
1
When we eliminate statutes of limitations for these crimes and prosecute them, we will have a true deterrent.
5
If these men really want to make amends (and clearly they do) I suggest going to schools and talking to groups of boys about their experiences. Educate young men not to do what they did.
3
How about apologizing to their victims? All we have here is a play for passion. It makes me sick.
6
Baby steps, I suppose......this being an issue far beyond male to female; it is all about knowing one has power over another and flexing the muscle "just because". Having been in this situation from a woman in power, there is absolutely no difference in how it was acted out and my reaction to it. But somehow the media or the public isn't interested in hearing that, yes, women actually do these sinister things too. The point is that maybe we can get out of tribal politics and deal with the real issue which is abuse of power in all its forms.
1
The situations described here are the least of it. From fighting off a neighbor boy with a frying pan at age 15 to having my career stymied by an rejected boss at age 40, it was 25 years of catcalls, minor assaults, incorrect assumptions, creepy stalkers, and overly aggressive dates. Many good relationships too, but I could never let my guard down. A switch flipped for me in my early 40s and I was no longer prey. What a relief.
6
Relief indeed. I too experienced a change, but I still never let down my guard. Honestly, I can't even keep track of all the various incidents of sexual harassment to sexual assault that I've experienced in my life; if I try to tally them up, I always realize later that I've forgotten one or another of those incidents. The list is so long....
I notice a pattern - am I correct? - that all the men who had these experiences after say 1970 - said that at the time there was some ambiguity for them around how 'wrong' their actions were, that it was more in retrospect, and attending their feelings of discomfort around their activity, that they got clarity. It suggests how much we, as a society, are failing to educate young people about sex and privacy, autonomy and kindness. Perhaps the sexual revolution left too much up to personal (and incompetent) discretion - especially for teenagers - around intimate behavior. BUT, these are the men who had enough consciousness to come forward. The problem is there are millions of men with similar stories who still don't get it.
1
I'll tell you what went wrong in the 70s. We lowered the drinking age because we sent boys to fight our war for us. Alcohol is a HUGE risk factor in these situations. But Kavanaugh's defenders seem to have normalized binge drinking as necessary if you want to succeed like he did.
I never found pot to cause people to become violent, but I understand it can trigger latent schizos. It was more likely to make one question everything. Alcohol extinguishes curiosity and brings out the id in idiots.
1
My parents taught me to always treat everyone with the utmost respect, period.
I do not have a story of regret
11
Reading these stories feels much like a "truth and reconciliation" session. We've heard from so many women of sexual harassment and assaults that have affected their lives in significant ways, but it is helpful to hear from male voices. I had no idea that some men, at least, feel regret for years for their actions. Thank you for running this article.
2
Reviving traditional rules of courtship and seduction might benefit both young men and women while sidelining the boorish and criminal. This is particularly true for shy (immaturity misnamed) but worthy young men who think that girl/woman they fancy is beyond attracting. Picnics, flowers, poetry, meaningful sharing of more modern co-ed pastimes (from rock climbing to fishing, whatever) if nothing else makes life more interesting. My high school reunion had one major message for both men and women: "why didn't we get to know each other better and be more supportive?" No one remembered sexual frustration and even the jerks and jocks were miserable in high school. We all craved more kindness and mutual support. Add to this too much beer never was a good thing for considered or considerate behavior. I know this all sounds old fashion but it does not have to be. I spend time in other cultures where if works quiet well and is without any stifling evangelical or 19th c. religion. Parents practice with your teens for situations so they are prepared to cope and create positive situations.
2
I'm heartened that these men have remorse and had the courage to talk about it publicly. But what none of them understand is that what they did was for them a moment in time but for their victims - yes victims - it was serious trauma with difficult repercussions that can sometimes last a lifetime.
3
As someone who is a female the age that most perpetrators were when they committed their acts, this article is heartbreaking. I don't see it as enough that things have "changed now." That these men can only look back and recognize a woman's humanity. It is heartbreaking that we cannot see each other as people. That society constantly forgives or forgets such breaches of personhood.
What am I to the people around me? What can I be to myself? A collection of limbs, a trembling lip? I am a person. You are a person. We must do better.
2
Fascinating to read these. when I read these accounts - the first thing I think is - this really happened. This happened exactly like the guy is recalling. But when you hear a woman talk about their assault - the first thing people say is - this didn't actually happen like this, it was her fault, she must have done something to cause this. Believe women, OK? It's not their fault. And think about what you are saying when you say it is their fault, "you deserve to be sexually assaulted." No one does. No one.
5
As someone who was on the receiving end of this type of behavior multiple times from the age of eight -- that's right, eight -- I would like to respond to a few of the assumptions that these men make.
First, your action was probably not the only time that happened to the girl/woman, so you didn't just inflict one small wound. Frequently, once a girl has been treated this way, she becomes an "easy target" -- so, word spreads that she is "easy." You very likely contributed to years of bullying, shame and cover-up by her own community. So, yeah, your one "little" action may not be that memorable in the scheme of things.
Second, I would like to correct the myth that men enjoy sex more. It is true that when men are selfish lovers or when they bully women or terrorize women as they have described here, sex is not as appealing. When society normalizes the bullying and terrorizing, telling her that it is normal for sex to be painful, shameful, or simply a chore, neither she nor her partner are likely to learn how to ensure mutual pleasure. Is that really a surprise?
While it's nice of these men to put their names and experiences out there, I find myself being enraged by the implied expectation that this miniscule acknowledgement of a tiny fraction of reality is supposed to be satisfying or corrective.
4
These stories were caused by many conditions including fear of standing up to bullies, fear of reporting, lack of sex education , lack of parental guidance , lack of accountability and of course lack of respect . Until our society provides thorough and extensive sex education starting at a very young age our children will mature poorly and ignorantly as we have. We also must focus on educating ourselves on what the key differences there are between sex and love.
4
My thoughts? This is the tip of the iceberg. Few men will publicly confess to being more than Georgy Porgy -- the one who "kissed the girls and made them cry."
They do a lot more than that, and a lot worse. But evidently they don't want to admit it.
10
Maybe an unpopular opinion - I don't care about these men and their regrets. I don't understand how it's "brave" to talk about committing rape and assault.
It is easy to apologize after the fact. It doesn't change anything for the victim. Where was all this regret and remorse when they were grabbing at these women or watching friends assault them? What made them think they EVER had the right to do that in the first place?
Why do women have to suffer for men to realize they should maybe treat us like people who have rights and boundaries?
8
Maybe young men will read these accounts and think about their own behavior. Apologies don't change the past, of course, but these accounts and even the brutal experience of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings might make a difference in the future.
1
It's both for me. I do not admire these confessors. I know boys will be less likely to attempt sexual assault if they read these men's stories. However, a few of them will still prefer to act out on women to feel better about themselves the same way racist bullies abuse those of color to feel superior.
1
individual men's stories of redemption are irrelevant to the culture change needed to stop rape: that women have as much power as men, and access to resources. it also helps to have accurate information about what sex offending really looks like. that most lie, are in denial, minimize, rationalize extensively. are often highly manipulative psychologically. the majority of offences are by a smaller group of repeat offenders. that their typical first sexual aggressions start at age 8. that the family is the most dangerous place for girl children. that 20% of sex offenders have some psychopathy and cannot empathize or regret, and another chunk are sadistic, who get off on the pain and horror they create. not like these tales of regretful one timers. individual men's stories like this distort and obscure the actual picture, as well as the structurally enforced power imbalance between men and women as classes which will not change based on individualistic redemption narratives.
1
Until male culture changes, females will be at risk. That's why I think these stories are so important. Men and boys can see themselves in these situations, and learn from the regrets of other men. As the slogan says, "Men rape. Men can stop rape."
3
It's so simple: don't do anything in a relationship that a woman doesn't want to do. Ever. It's common sense and such a powerful approach to successful relationships. We are finally seeing the disastrous consequences that ensue when things go otherwise. That aside, these articles, and the New York Times coverage of the #MeToo movement is draining and a source of fatigue. We need to learn our lessons as a society and put this behind us.
1
"It's so simple: don't do anything in a relationship that a woman doesn't want to do. Ever."
Absolutely. But in more than one of these stories the woman or girl, it appears, acted voluntarily. For your rule to be effective, one must know what the woman does or doesn't want to do.
For those who were observant enough, they all witnessed discomfort and realized the women they attacked were NOT happy with it. The stories that didn't include it were simply because the man who perpetrated the attack was not OBSERVANT enough to know his effect on the woman in question. This comment is offensive, ludicrous, and sexist.
A good way to find out: ask!
This is a valuable article. I have so often wondered what prompted guys to do this stuff. What I do find curious is that not one of these men say that it was an overwhelming sexual desire that made them go past the "No" point.
Some of those stories are pretty horrible and frankly, I'm relieved this article is not what I thought it would be about. I do not think most men I grew up with would have done those things, although some, maybe. Though it is good there is a focus on reducing sexual assault, and people at work (women too) can be abusive in many ways, it is not the majority of people. I do not think we have a "rape culture." If anything, I think we've made great progress from the past, even before metoo, which I do think has helped women sing out, although there is also overkill. Colleges, in my opinion, will become much safer for women when they decide to end the partying on campus.
What men in my peer group actually talk about is our memories of consensual sex or even flirtations at work or when dating when we were young, and if they would be labeled as wrong now by virtue of arbitrary rules that had nothing to do with coercion. In a world where I hear at least some (I hope few) people view the Prince waking Snow White with a kiss as abusive or Baby, It's Cold Outside as date rape (it was written by Frank Loesser for his wife) we know that what we saw as romantic and consensual could be seen quite differently now. E.g., I did have a relationship with a secretary 28 years ago. We still are. Wrong? Honestly, I am glad I worked in offices when I did rather than now. As with everything, a balance is needed and probably will come in time.
Well .. I hate to pop everybody's bubble, but, I wonder how many parents were complicit in the behavior of these young men and how they were raised - including - and especially - their own mothers?
4
Thank you so much. This helped me.
1
It strikes me that this was an era when the school counselors, parents and other adults were either remarkably oblivious to their sons behavior, or perhaps felt it was acceptable as youthful male behavior. I wish we could hear honest reactions from the adults in the lives of these young men. Did they really not know?
1
"This era" in these accounts covers 1946 to 2005. That's not an era. Those are generations of boys and young men and still goes on. It's likely parents and school personnel would not have known about these incidents. Who was going to tell them? Do you think it went like this - " hey Mom or Dad, I just groped a classmate. What should be my punishment? Should we go over to her house and tell her parents and apologize?" Not happening.
I'm still waiting for essays by men who actually raped women and now, finally, understand that they are criminals.
In the 1960s, when I was in college, the rule was that any female who found herself in a lockable room with any man had consented to sex. This happened to me twice, when circumstances forced me into a choice between sleeping outdoors in bitter cold or a rainstorm, at the mercy of any passing stranger, versus sleeping indoors with a classmate who forcibly removed my clothes and did as he pleased.
I doubt that, even today, he realizes this was rape.
5
It must have taken incredible bravery over pain, denial, and shame to reach out to the NYT and allow these experiences to be published. Thank you to all.
As a woman who has had a few questionable experiences (mostly having to turn down aggressive behavior in an equally aggressive demeanor), I'm really struck by how most of the authors in situ, even 40 years ago, felt shame and knew their behavior was wrong. I'm tired of hearing "boys will be boys," or "it was acceptable back then," and it's refreshing to read stories that show our internal moral compass can point True North across different circumstances.
2
This article promotes the kind of discourse that our country needs to be having constantly, especially with young aduts. The acknowledgment by the men is potent: that power and peer expectations drove their bad behavior, and was met with shock, fear and a sense of betrayal. I hope that this public dialogue of confession and forgiveness begins to rebuild the trust and faith in our fellow citizens that our country has lost.
Thank you to Alicia and to the eight brave men.
1
And now, for good measure, give the same space to men who were wrongly accused of harassment for financial gain on the part of the acusee (a female accuser). That is accused, careers destroyed, and then found not guilty of anything. You'll find the numbers in the thousands as well.
2
"You'll find the numbers in the thousands as well."
I don't think that we will.
Even if we did, if you did a little googling, I'm sure you'll find that the incidence of false reports of harassment (especially that result in tangible financial career impact) are far, far, far outweighed by the actual instances of harassment, assault, and rape that men perpetuate.
I wouldn't be for good measure-- it would be elevating one problem (alleged false harassment) to an unwarranted degree of importance.
Yes, I said it-- the "problem" of "false allegations" "destroying careers" is not as widespread or as big of a catastrophe as the centuries and centuries of sexual abuse and rape by men.
3
You may wish to read Laura Kipnis' book to see what kind of perversion of justice takes place at universities under the title 9 investigations and how widespread false allegations against men are. That does not take away from the fact of history of abuse of women, but does give a perspective as to the abuse of justice that a lot of women are willing to do for financial gain. Especially in the US. So, it warrants airing, no? In the name of real abuse which is out there these perversions of justice should be denounced, most loudly by women I would say.
I would love to hear the man who took my virginity explain why he did what he did. He was in college and I was in high school. There was a party at the beach. I barely knew him. We were making out, but then he just kept going and going ... When I cried out I'm bleeding! he shushed me.
5
I was a high school student in the mid 70's. At the time, I felt confused. There didn't seem to be any set rules to follow. I would look around and see very aggressive guys getting noticed by the girls. We would call them "Romeos". The girls seemed extremely happy to be doted on by these guys. They were like Pepe Le Pugh clones. They got the girls.
Then we'd look around and see the criminals getting the girls. They were bold and violent gangsters....and they got the girls.
The girls often wore revealing clothes, and seemed happy to show their bodies. The guys were strutting around like peacocks, happy to show their gorilla nature. Dates were unchaperoned. Dances were ridiculous. Drive-in movies were even more ridiculous. Hollywood and Madison Avenue gave us guidance where our workaholic parent didn't. Our musical idols were all boorish hedonists. If that all failed to make us fail, then there was the Forum in Dad's secret Penthouse magazine stash, where story after story of bold men grabbing what they want from secretly sex starved females......
As in sports...as in business.....as in the mating game. We see the bully getting what they want every time. That is what men see. That is what we too often emulate.
11
Why are their images blurred? Victims of assault don't receive similar treatment in these types of pieces. I want people to see their eyes and faces. To see how normal they appear.
6
I am glad that there are more and more men who are finally taking their own inventory and realizing the emotional consequences of their not so stellar behavior toward women...thank you and please, talk to the men who don't know!
4
I always felt left out. All the guys talked about in high school and college was scoring sex. Something was off for me; all that talk. It made me feel like I was missing something in myself. When I felt girls coming on to me, I was self conscious, which turned them away. It was a hard and lonely life until I was able to open up and let someone in. But even so, I knew a lot of people, mostly guys, obviously. Even was friends with guys who had a popular band. And in a Frat. No one ever forced themselves on a girl that I knew of. People were willing participants. People were having a lot of fun. Then I moved to San Francsico, and the fun was, well... pure freedom. Have we lost that in this exercise of exposure? I hope not. I wonder if we are damaging life for our young people. That was a major reason I held back. I didn't want to hurt anyone.
1
I think these men have generally acted with courage and honestly regret their behavior. What I find missing generally in the male experience is the fear. Only the young man who was assaulted by the older man described the fear and "frozen" response that so many women describe. The terror. You remember every detail--you do not make this up as in the case of Dr. Ford. I appreciate this dialogue. It is painful and sad but hopefully healing.
5
How many young women and high school girls agree to various acts or act like they want them because they want to be “liked”, or because they think it is expected of them? A girl who wants a particular guy to ask her out again might feel this is all par for the course, it is what she needs to do to attract him. I feel that if more emphasis were put on appreciating each other because of shared ideas, shared values, appreciation of the other’s wit or sense of humor or intelligence and less emphasis on how physically attractive or “hot” they are might go a long way in fostering better relationships between two people out on a date.
3
I question the NYT's decision to not allow anonymity in this story, especially considering how you have been granting the same courtesy to public officials as of late. This discussion is really important, and having these male perspectives and reflections of their past transgressions are important to hear. Many people want to admit the wrongs of their past, and I think the 750+ men who responded realize their contributions would be valuable. The fear, however, of doing so in a public forum and the potential reprisal from family, friends, and employers prevented them from doing so. In this case, some anonymity might have allowed for broader perspectives and a more robust discussion than you achieved with this article. Men should admit and apologize for their transgressions and the people affected by them, and articles like this one should help inspire those private discussions.
9
Thank you for beginning a conversation. And thank you to the men who stepped forward to share. Their stories were nuanced and painfully human.
Reading these reminded me of the truth and reconciliation path which allows both the survivor and the transgressor to speak their truth, and come to terms.
I was struck with how often the men cited cultural or peer pressure as a driving force. We can only hope that a similar pressure which honors women and allows men to the same can be created. A series like this helps, and I hope NYT will continue with it.
Lastly, I wish that Diane could read her story.
2
Thanks for sharing and thanks NYT for bringing this opportunity.
Definitely, the whole Kavanugh confirmation brought up memories in me. In moments that I look back onto some of the acts that I am not so proud of, they precipitated around alcohol and I was a teenager, not that that is an excuse.
Nothing "physical" ever happened, but I realize now and then that that is not the point.
If Kavanaugh took the moment to own up to what he did, be an "adult" and be brave enough to scuttle his dream for the seat in the highest judicial court, I think it would have changed the course of the national dialogue.
3
What bothers me about these 'confessions' is the lack of accountability for the patriarchy being served here through the behavior of these men. It's not just "our [collective] culture"... because women do NOT expect men to behave in this manner. It's the PATRIARCHY that is enforcing this dominate power narrative onto men, and it's the patriarchy that expects women to believe it, fall for it, yield to it. And this patriarchal training begins when men and women are boys and girls.
While I appreciate the men who did come forward with their stories, were able to be accountable for their behavior, and tried to deconstruct their actions through the lens of social standards, introjection, and personal beliefs, there is still so much more work to be done. I hope the writer who collected these stories is able to publish a book of the unpublished responses from those who wished to remain anonymous. That would be one way to continue to this conversation, and to further deconstruct the inner narrative, and social constructs that boys and men often adhere to blindly.
5
These men's honest reflections are a balm to my raw and weary self.
In them, I see the seeds of the kind of 'truth and reconciliation' process that we sorely need at the moment.
Structural-level critique is crucial. However to move forward together, if people are willing to reflect, I want to respect and nurture that capacity, rather than only judge them for not yet fully understanding how I am positioned in the world as a woman.
Also: In reflecting they are doing their own work, and not demanding that women educate them I appreciate that.
5
I appreciate these men coming forward and giving their names and stories. While the names mean nothing to me, it is the bravery I appreciate. I agree with another comment that all of the confessions (even anonymous) have value, to the writer and to the reader whether an aggressor or a victim. I have been amazed since the testimony of Dr. Blasey-Ford and Judge (now Justice) Kavanaugh from people, men and women, in total denial that he could have done that. These stories, here today, show that people that have become good people have done horrible things and have damaged others. It takes courage to admit it and today it requires each of us to ensure our children don't accept or ever perpetrate the behavior. That is the true hope for the future.
1
In the absence of proof...always require evidence. She offered none.
1
Wouldn't it have been great if Kavanaugh had admitted it and used the circumstance to make himself a real man for all time? Imagine if he'd walked into the hearing and apologized to Dr. Blasey-Ford. Do you think he would have then been confirmed? Maybe so, but I'm perhaps a hysterical optimist.
Testimony is evidence. You can look up any state's civil and criminal code and learn that.
Better luck next time!
1
The moment Dr. Blasey Ford made accusations against Brett Kavanaugh, I knew that her situation was anything but an isolated case.
And I wondered, because of what happened to me as a teenager, how do men live in peace, and reconcile their behavior? Or is it lost on them?
18
Thank you NYT, for bringing positive social change by bringing the discussion to a new level, creating new opportunities for healing for all who are willing and able. Well done!
3
The realizations these men had are the very reason why a very strong light needs to be shined on the issue of male dominance.
Certainly the earliest societies were more egalitarian. The hunters were not always successful, but the gatherers generally were.
Starting with Judaism, then Christianity and Islam, men themselves wrote religion to make them supreme over females--like their was some "Divine Decree" to that effect. Those religions say women are unclean and must submit to their husbands. Their "holy" books were written by mere men.
So much time and energy has been spent, over the ages, trying to justify this, but it was NOT the word of God--some male creator of everything.
Men gave themselves carte blanche to use women as they saw fit, for no other reason than they wanted to.
Well, that's changing now, and men SHOULD be afraid of harboring any thoughts of power, control, and domination of females.
We've never wanted it and we never will!!
The Earth will never be in balance as long as women do not share the power equally.
Lucky for men that we will hold out some mercy for males, even after so much heinous abuse, because, after all, we bore them.
4
Now let's also see women's honest comments, about what they have done to men they have known, loved, not-loved, or learned to not-love.
Don't try to tell me, that only men do things they regret, to the opposite sex.
10
Women can be emotionally cruel and manipulative. Women who sexually assault men or who are physically stronger than men, are extremely rare. At the end of the day, it is still a man's world that women have to adapt to. Women everywhere are forced to live circumscribed lives due to a fear of male power, violence and strength. Women who speak against male power are usually shouted down, attacked or isolated. You are making a false analogy.
3
My day at the office.
We had to fire a young and very promising guy, a top producer. He'd called off work for the last two weeks, going on his 3rd, because he went into a depression filled with drinking and drugs. He's moving back home out of state as of tonight. He'd come home, his girlfriend of 3 years left him, cleaned everything out of the apartment and sold his dog. She'd been consistently sleeping with other guys (at least 10) and even given him an STD.
My lunch was spent with a group including a female co-worker who wants to get pregnant by her on-and-off boyfriend, or really just pregnant in general, and spent the day overtly flirting with another guy in the office, who she's slept with while dating her boyfriend. Her phone contains a catalog of other guys that she's constantly checking and flirting with. Her boyfriend doesn't know about that, but he's got a great weekend trip for them both out of state.
Had a few more, but this comment is already too long and I had to delete. This was just today in a small office.
I keep seeing all these articles about men, but I see nothing about the state of how promiscuous, unapologetic and really how unattractive and abusive so many women have become in America.
10
Your comment is strange. The Me Too movement is not about men cheating on women or being promiscuous or flirting. It is about sexual assault. There is a huge difference between willingly engaging in sexual conduct and sexual assault.
2
The problems you are having at work are issues that you should take to a human resources department. In every place where I've worked for the last 35 years, this kind of conversation and conduct was not only frowned upon, it was grounds for employment termination. Your obviously toxic workplace atmosphere has nothing to do with "the state of how promiscuous, unapologetic and really how unattractive and abusive so many women have become in America" - it has everything to do with you working in a toxic environment. Apparently, blaming women is more convenient.
But hey - I'll give you the advice that so many people have for women who have had to deal with toxic work environments brought about by sexual harassment: "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." "Find a another job." "Grow a thicker skin." "Stop whining and be glad you have a job." Don't be too surprised when none of this supposedly well-meaning advice doesn't help.
2
So these men want to apologize but few have tried. Those who haven't: look for the woman and apologize! It will help her so much. I also wondered if most men who caused anguish, fear, shame, to girls and women are even aware of it, as the men here are. Kavenaugh was clearly clueless that what his innocent fun, what he doesn't even remember, affected someone for her entire life. I grew up across the street from a boy my age who I rode the bus with throughout middle school in the early 80s. He was effortlessly cool, liked by all. He was also obnoxious, intrusive and entitled. One day in 7th grade he noticed that a girl was leaving blood on chairs. She didn't know her period had started. He told everyone. I still feel awful for her. He should contact her and apologize, if he hasn't yet. Does he even remember it? Another day on the bus home, he was engaged in a game whereby he would fling himself from seat to seat, landing on top of other kids. On his way out of my seat I tapped him on the butt with my foot. We were laughing. But he turned around and punched me hard three times (I remember it clearly 30+ years later.) Another kid told me "Hit him back!" But I was frozen. I thought I'd done something wrong. We got off the bus and he walked away but I called to him. He walked back. I said, "Why did you hit me?" He apologized. Does he remember that or the girl he embarrassed and shamed? Boys & men: your actions have an effect. It's that simple.
4
Any proof? Seriously did she present one particle of evidence? No. So you just assume he did something because she said. What a state of affairs of total dishonesty. Spectacular and aggressive dishonesty.
1
Good god, all these angry angry men who don't understand anything about the evidence code trying to play lawyer!!
I see it as my solemn duty to correct instances of male stupidity and arrogance everywhere. (All stupidity, really, but particularly in instances when men are SO SURE THEY'RE RIGHT just because they want to excuse poor behavior of other men.)
Dear Piotr: Testimony is admissible evidence in all courts. In many, if not all states, the testimony of one person alone is enough to form the basis for a jury's decision. So, therefore, testimony is "a particle of evidence." Better luck next time.
Do you even understand that it's inconsistent for you to take him at his word, as "proof" he didn't do it, but not her?
1
I am extremely glad to see stories of this kind being published here. Opening this kind of conversation is an important step in creating the change that needs to happen. Having said that, these stories strike me as extremely mild and vanilla compared to the kind of sexual violence many women suffer at the hands of men. It makes sense to me that those inclined to confess and to do so while attaching their names in this forum would report events of this kind, but for the same reason this sample does not feel very representative.
9
As a woman who has been dealing with unwanted sexual attention from and violent and controlling acts by men all of my life (like too many other women) I have a particular perspective on all of this. All of the men's stories published here typically end with an expression of mea culpa--if they had to do it over again...if in the same situation today they would step in and stop it...they have changed for the better. However, real behavioral decisions are too often influenced in the moment, through social pressure to confirm to socially imposed roles, such as masculinity. I believe if the majority of men who have committed violence or acts of sexual control over women actually objected to the harm men do to women in the name of demonstrating their masculinity we would not have the entrenched sexism and hate towards women (for being women) that we have today.
To men: instead of mere regret or getting people to believe you would not act the same today as an adult how about actually working to change society and the laws that do not protect women or insure gender equality. When men really change women won't have to consistently fight to try to maintain our human rights or gain real equality. Male transgressions will not be accepted with a wink and a nod, and girls and women won't have to be afraid of men. After all, rape and other acts of violence against girls and women are most often committed by the boys and men we know, care about, and mistakenly trust.
8
Not to diminish the importance and relevance of this article, I would like to just point out that currently society is in a place where we are examining and shining a spotlight on the poor actions and behavior of men. We therefore, as a society are currently blind to other types of poor action and behavior of women. While we should be careful not to generalize for either gender, I think that some women, while not sexually abusive toward men, can be emotionally abusive either in personal relationships or even at the workplace. I just point this out because we can focus on men as the source of all problems, or we can have a higher level conversation about ethical and right action. Understanding what constitutes ethical behavior breaks down generalizing divisions. If you're a person just act ethically and morally toward other people, regardless of gender, creed, and all else.
10
One problem at a time. Mean girls is a lot less damaging than rape.
1
"We therefore, as a society are currently blind to other types of poor action and behavior of women."
That's ridiculous. Bashing women and their choices is still one of our favorite national past-times. (what was she wearing how many people did she sleep with did she lead him on why did she flirt with him she must just want his money why was she drinking why did she go home with him)
And just look at the abortion debate. (what a slut why did she open her legs she needs to take responsibility for her actions why didn't she use birth control why did she have a baby out of wedlock why did she have a baby she couldn't afford if she didn't want to get pregnant why did she have sex)
The reality of the situation is that men have been engaged in much more egregious behavior for far too long, and that society and the law have protected that behavior for far too long. Shining the light on it is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy overdue.
2
Thank you to all the men who shared their side of the stories. For being a woman who has been sexually assaulted and harassed in every way possible for a good 10 years of my life I know how from the small little things to being completely violated feels like. It started from confusing gestures as a young girl of 10 to being completely humiliated as a 14-year-old and many others as a young adult. And it's not easy to let these traumas go and lead a normal life but survivors like me we do try to be a part of the normal crowd through our own trials and tribulations. All I want to say is that even though all these ugliness happened to me, it does get better and one day you just wake up and shake everything and start living as a strong, confident woman and vowing to yourself that you will never let THIS define you as a person anymore.
6
Gosh-- it's brave to step out.
But I don't like the way they all end their stories
1
Probably a minority opinion but I don't think this article is helpful. Discarding the anonymous submissions has led to a self-selected set of very minor transgressions, things that fall well within the range of typical adolescent immaturity. I feel like the connotation here is that girls and women are frail flowers who can't handle a teenage boy "blabbering away about having sex" with them, or being kissed on a date when they're not really into it. Maybe girls should be taught to be more assertive, and how to handle situations like these. Maybe we should not equate incidents like those described here, with the types of incidents that were apparently in the discarded anonymous submissions (e.g, "There were multiple submissions that discussed participating in gang rapes.") I am female by the way.
36
I disagree with the dismissive tone of "minor transgressions." The way the human brain processes and records traumatic events can vary from person to person. While a rape is more violent and usually results in more trauma, the trauma resulting from being cornered or coerced is incredibly harmful, too. And remember, women are statistically likely to be assaulted more than once, and experiencing multiple "minor transgressions" over a long period of time is very, very damaging. The exact effects of experiencing a "constellation of trauma" is still being actively researched.
But yes, I do absolutely agree that young girls should be taught to be more assertive and able to identify situations that they don't have to put up with. It's one of my greatest regrets that I was lead to be shamed into silence instead of shouting from the rooftops until I was treated with dignity and respect.
5
Agreed that the unpublished rapes should have been part of the story. However, you equate being groped up one's skirt, or being told you'll have to walk a distance home if you don't submit to being fondled with your breasts exposed (by a car of males), or being pulled into a pantry by three separate males when you've expressed objection with "typical adolescent immaturity"?
2
@ nom de guerre: The story about threatening to leave the girl stranded ... a nasty trick to pull, yes, but if it happened in 2018 the girl could get out of the car and call an Uber or a friend to pick her up. This was in LA (if it had been an isolated rural area, or the middle of a blizzard, then it's a different situation.) The perpetrators were 15-16 years old (had this been a 12-year-old girl in a car with adult men, then it's a different situation.) The guy putting his hand up a skirt in the limo backseat... how about pushing him away and saying, "Keep your hands to yourself, creep." [or insert expletive of your choice] Girls can learn to analyze a situation for its level of physical danger (as opposed to discomfort) and to respond in ways that are assertive and unambiguous. Truthfully I think this kind of behavior among teens will never go away entirely. Just like children are taught how to behave around dogs to avoid being bitten, girls can be taught how to handle boys being idiots (sorry to compare teen boys to animals, but hey, if the shoe fits...)
It was very courageous of these men to contribute to this great idea. When I was at university in the mid 1960s, there was a culture of sexually objectifying women. My boy friend confided that a friend of his routinely raped his dates on the first date. I endured some traumatic circumstances because of the sexual pressures that were prevalent. But looking back, isn't it obvious that many males from, say 16 to 20, are still immature, driven by hormones, obsessive-compulsive about sex, and not confident how to go about it? That doesn't exonerate them, anymore than being a teenager entitles anyone to rob a bank. But they make mistakes, just as teenagers do about drinking and driving. The second BIG factor is peer pressure. I saw how those who had had their first sex bragged to others who had not, and made them feel wimpy, ie, unmasculine. This pushed them into further unbalance. But I know for a fact that for many if not most men, these behaviors were not a permanent part of their developing personalities. Today I don't take any one position on punishment for sexual assault, it depends on the context. Too many young men who should have had jail time are let off scot free, but I've also seen young men having to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives when they would likely mature into perfectly normal and respectable men. I think it's important to see that the men who've contributed here experienced shame for their actions and wanted to apologize.
7
I think these stories describe deep moral confusion. This may seem like a way to excuse their behavior, but I think many kids are similarly confused about the wrongness of murder. There is one set of values that teachers and parents tell you about - and it's not easy to accept because it's transparently designed to make your behavior as convenient as possible for adults. There's a bigger problem than a boy's poor judgements about sexual norms - many boys don't care about in good and evil at all in their daily lives. It's extremely easy for a boy to observe the world and conclude that moral codes are just set of empty gestures that people maintain solely for the sake of image. We're focused on teaching boys to regard rape as sin - but if someone isn't convinced that evil is bad, that won't do much.
1
We all could be more sensitive to each other's feelings. Personally, making love is looking into my lover's eyes and seeing her desire for me matching my desire her. That is exquisite, that is ecstasy.
3
There were so many men and/or boys who did so many things to us that we didn't want them to. Sometimes we fought back. Sometimes we protested vocally and loudly. Sometimes we just froze. And sometimes we went along because we didn't know what else to do.
I was the "Renate" in my high school; the girl all the boys bragged about having had sex with even though I was a virgin and therefore hadn't had sex with any of them.
What, in this culture, says that any of this is okay? How are boys being taught that girls exist for their pleasure? Why are women still--in this day and age--relegated to a second class?
I am glad to hear men come forward. But it's obvious that the most egregious offenders haven't and never will.
They think it is their right.
22
This is the dumbest article ever. I mean, really. Have we come so far that everyone is going to step up the mic and confess their sins. Is this a big tent meeting? A bible revival?
Come on. McCarthyism mixed with good 'ole fashioned American hucksterism.
I mean really.
9
This is why the #metoo movement has become a laughing stock. Regretful behavior is exhibited by both genders but the movement portrays women in a condescending manner that excuses such behavior from women. That is not gender equality and in fact is a step backwards for women. This phony "movement" has done unforgivable harm to women.
10
Holy cow. You put your names down. Thank you for being yourselves. Thank you for expressing regret. I am sensible of having been bullied and have not forgotten being assaulted, and in turn I cannot forget how I bullied others. The pain never goes away, but admitting to the horrible truth takes us a step up out of this dark pit we fell into. May we continue the struggle upwards and walk the good path knowing what we know.
3
During the Kavanaugh hearing, I read the following comment on another forum from an older man who regretted his early initial fumblings with girls when he was a teenager.
He thought that it was "expected" that boys were supposed to be aggressive towards girls at parties, even when the girls disliked his moves.
He said that he finally figured out that met more girls when he sat quietly in a corner at parties and let the girls come to him. They felt safe with him and wanted to meet him and talk.
5
That's nice...only I have a life time of experience that says it doesn't work that way. The surest way to address sexual assault (at least of the dating variety) would be to have women be the ones to make the first move.
This article was very interesting and intriguing to read. Most stories about this topic are told from the victims' point of view, but hearing what men thought while either committing or pressuring for certain want was definitely different to read. I cannot fully relate with relaying a story such as this off my chest, but to these men that spoke about their experiences, I thank you for having the courage to come out about them. You've really put a new perspective in my view. Because there are always two sides to the story. However, this does not make it ok, for a guy to do as he pleases to a woman just because of the "I am a man" excuse. I appreciate your apologies and your guilt behind your stories, its good to know that some men actually regret what they do to a woman. This article was very well put together and its overall flow was great. The emotional appeal allowed for readers to connect to each man's story, whether they were in the guys' shoes or just felt empathy for them.
Again thank you for sharing your stories.
1
These stories further reinforce for me conclusions made in high school (I graduated 1970), that there is no good purpose to high school dating. So many hurtful memories, actions regretted for a lifetime. Dating for me, a woman, was just one boy after another pressuring me for more and more, when they didn't like or even know me, and I didn't really like or know them. Frightening, tiresome, confusing. The possibility of happy future relationships harmed to some degree. I dated only because that meant being "normal".
Although one of the men telling his story here grew up enough to realize that maturity is not possible without acknowledgement of guilt, too many never get that far. Instead they spend a lifetime rationalizing, and even blaming the young woman, and defensively protecting other men besides. These are the really hateful ones--blaming women forever, insisting that the women are lying, when they know deep their hearts that the women tell the truth.
2
It wasn’t that long ago when I heard “rape” my mind went to Buddhist soldiers ravaging terrified Rohingyan woman in their huts before driving them into the sea. Now I have no idea what that word means anymore after reading this.
1
Your dismissal of of human pain and suffering speaks volumes about your character and sensitivity, John.
5
No one is saying that what happened in the majority of these stories is rape, you simpleton. I can see why you're struggling if literacy is this hard for you.
1
I don't understand the point in allowing them the cloak of visual anonymity here. Dr. Ford and Bill Cosby, Larry Nassar and Harvey Weinstein's many victims had to stand up in public and put their names and faces out there when they were telling of their trauma. Good for the Times on insisting these men give their names, but why not show their faces? A half-effort toward transparency in my opinion.
Each of them deserves their shame for actions they chose to do to another human being - to treat the other person like a toy, like a thing, like an object. Perpetrators who were so full of testosterone all they could see was their own desire - I pity your wives, your daughters. Each of you are, in your essence, a fraud of your own making. Apologies do nothing unless turned into action that changes culture or policy or beliefs. Act. And for pity's sake, do not vote for Trump.
3
I would like to change the world so that boys and men who were gentle, kind, compassionate and empathic were valued as "real men" and men like those who "confessed" to these hideous assaults were devalued as women hating abusers. What will it take to transform the cultural assumptions that make masculinity so toxic?
3
There is no correlation with kavanaugh. Clearly this was meant to be.
These boys grew up to be remorseful democrats. Kavanaugh grew up to be justice.
Please take good from the piece, and leave kavanaugh out of it. Otherwise this is just another attack tool in disguise.
4
I am a male. I have never sexually assaulted nor raped a woman, nor have I ever been accused of assaulting or raping a woman.
I think it would be helpful to broaden discussion of this critically important topic by doing a similar series of interviews or requests for stories from women who have falsely accused men of sexual assault or rape. I am sure there are not as many such females as there are male rapists, but the false accusers' stories can only inform and enlighten us all.
6
I was planning on writing this apology for bad behavior and then erasing it to relieve myself of guilt. But the more I read other experiences the more I realized I needed to apologize for violating a woman because I hated the person she was about to marry - my oldest brother.
The age difference didn't matter and the fact we were both drinking
was no excuse because I knew my behavior was to get back at him. He was and probably still is a bully with a capital of B and I have been unequivocally outspoken with him regarding his past abuses, but I never addressed remorse to his first wife and for what had happened that night in Chappaqua.
I'm sorry.
Is she going to see this? Apologize to HER.
1
I wish the NYT would have published the anonymous submissions. While it's great to have a wide diversity of ages most of the men are in their 70s or older. Most deal with behavior that is disrespectful but not illegal: such as three which simply involved being persistent and ignoring signs the woman was uncomfortable. I think anonymity is important for people to feel comfortable telling tales. The men willing to come forward obviously were people who had an unusually high conscious and integrity given their willingness to make it public. It would have been nice to hear from a broader range of men, including ones whose attitudes towards it might be infuriating. Including ones who committed more serious violence that could make them vulnerable to serious legal consequences. Those stories might be more disturbing, but they are important to.
3
1975, 19 years old, college dorm, I was very drunk and stoned. Not a state I frequented even back the. Somehow in the middle of a party I was sitting on my bed and there was a young woman I knew casually on the bed across the room. There were 4 or 5 guys all over her. Groping, undressing, fondling and fingering her. She was objecting but not forcefully. I gathered my thoughts, stumbled out of the room and quickly found two burly friends and alerted them. They nearly separated the door from it's hinges and broke it up. The next morning a friend of the woman's who had not been present that night informed me that she was furious at me because she had been enjoying herself and my actions ruined her fun and embarrassed her. I lost several friends. (The guys in the room had all been my buddies.) So I confess: It's not as straightforward as some of these stories make it seem.
11
I believe I can tell you why you were reprimanded by her friend.
In high school I was being verbally harassed and pushed in the hallway once. My boyfriend at the time came up the stairs just in time to see me frozen in fear as I was being cornered by this other boy. It seems to me my boyfriend teleported from the stairs to this other boy and slammed him into a row of lockers by the neck.
Regretfully, I remember being furious at my boyfriend, almost as much as I was angry and hurt by my assaulter. At the time I was terrified, I didn't want more unwanted attention drawn to me (the entire population of the hallway between classes had turned to look), I just wanted to forget the entire incident. It was just more than I could handle. My boyfriend pleaded with me to tell the administration, but since I had already done so for a previous incident and they didn't take is seriously at all (in fact made the situation worse), I was adamant on not reporting it. I was shamed and embarrassed that I had somehow been cornered by this other boy, even though I know now there was absolutely nothing for ME to feel ashamed of.
I think you probably had a similar incident there, Jeff. We're never taught about the fear and shame that accompanies victims of sexual assault, and the scrutiny you face afterward is like reliving it all over again. I think you likely did the right thing, but due to societal and social pressures, she reacted with anger at the only place she safely could. Take heart.
3
Thank you to all the men that went on the record with their accounts. They are an example of owning their history and to me that makes them brave and strong and smart and sensitive. I only wish our newest #SCOTUS member could have done the same.
2
While I thank these men for coming forward with their stories of regret, I also can't emphasize enough how healing it can be for a girl-woman to receive a sincere apology, regardless of how many years have passed. When my then boyfirend and I were in college, he rushed us into a sexual act before I even realized what was happening. In that moment, there was nothing loving about it. Because neither of us had the language at that time to make sense of what had happened, and we were in a long-term relationship, we never talked about it (and haven't to this day). We went on to marry, to have children and eventually divorce. We see one another several times a year at family events, and I frequently wonder whether he has ever come to terms with how that felt to me. A simple acknowledgment of that as harmful would mean a lot. I hope these men find the women they assaulted and offer that apology. In the meantime, thank you for publishing this.
2
I believe in forgiveness and I believe in redemption. These gentlemen are brave, honest, and honorable for coming forward with their stories. Thank you for sharing and being an example to us all.
53
PS It's really not for you, Andy, to offer forgiveness.
5
It's better than nothing, that these individuals come forth now, decades on and feebly beat their breasts in mea culpa. This does pretty much nothing to reverse the damage done. It's little comfort that they have experienced a modicum of unease stemming for their own despicable actions. For every one of these individuals who may experience true regret, there are hundreds's or thousands or, I dare say, millions who experience nothing or only fear being exposed. Should our attitude towards murderers, armed bank robbers, home invaders etc who come clean be "God bless them..they've admitted their crime...let's forget the devastation they caused and let bygones be bygones.?" The fact that none of these 8 suffered any legal repercussions for their crimes, and please, let's make no mistake, they were crimes, speaks louder than whatever these paltry confessions are meant to accomplish.
4
Every man needs to come with very clearing printed instructions on each with the exact way it must first be done. Any deviation from them and any woman can automatically void their warranty.
3
Written like a man who doesn't care.
Sad.
9
These men all seem to be good men who are willing to admit mistakes. I commend them for coming forward, and wish/hope more will also do it. I am not looking for a man to blame for anything that happened to me, but reading the man's side of it is certainly helpful. Thank you, gentlemen.
Now, let's hear it from the knaves. The ones who knew they raped, and groped with force, or got a woman drunk just to molest her. Confess. We want to hear from you as well.
5
You should have published, anonymously, some of those really horrifying stories. The reason is the number of people who still don't believe sexual assault is real, or that women could have fought back, etc.
Also, you know, publish women's descriptions of being assaulted.
17
Not one these men is qualified for the SCOTUS.
Not one was too drunk on beer or anything else to forget their offensive behavior. Not one exploded in entitled outrage when questioned. Not one of them lied under oath. None of these men have learned to be like Trump.
My sincere compliments to them all. Let's honor them with our votes.
1
Well, that was enlightening. I had no idea that men could or would recognize the horror they put girls through. As a pre-teen, it was a clique of boys who when together began an onslaught of catcalls, aggression, and harassment. One girl with a minor facial disfigurement was relentlessly hounded out of parties until she ceased showing up at all. Years went by, the clique settled down, had daughters, showed themselves to be good husbands, had productive careers. I thought we had all been through the worst of it and come through to the other side better for wear. Then Hillary ran for President and it all came roaring back as the clique re-engaged and gorged on confetti'ing Facebook with fake news and hate memes directed towards Ms. Clinton, when a simple 3-button fact check should have informed them to pass up wallowing in that stuff and focus instead on the issues at hand. From the neighborhood to the White House, this stuff follows girls and women all their lives.
156
The men that shared their stories, and their shame, and were willing to sign their names to their accounts, are different from the Bret Kavanaughs of the world. Men of good will recognize, regret and are willing to atone for the harm they've done. Our newest supreme court justice (the lower case is intentional) lacks the insight, and the integrity, to recognize, take responsibility for, and apologize for his crimes against women.
2
Perhaps fathers of sons can use this column as a chance to speak about permission and restrain for their teenagers. As most of the writers are somewhat older, it may be that the "no means 'no'" has already had some effect in forming expectations in America's teenagers but reinforcement is good. To see the remorse of these men decades later is a great lesson on empathy and responsibility.
Thank you, gentlemen, for sharing your stories.
1
I recently read that Columbia University has conducted one of the most extensive surveys of its kind regarding sexual experiences of students in an effort to determine how best to prevent sexual assault on campus. Not surprisingly, the results are complicated. Alcohol and drugs can complicate the experiences (and memories) on both sides. The level of sexual experience of a student has bearing on how he or she behaves in (and later interprets) a particular incident. Religious and cultural backgrounds influence the way students feel following sexual incidents. While there are undoubtedly instances where men are perpetrators and women victims, many of these reader accounts underscore the fact that shame and regret are not necessarily one-sided. More open discussion about the many contributing factors is key.
5
Thank you for your honesty. In doing so, you've moved the conversation forward.
Something that struck me during Kavanaugh's testimony is he showed no contrition, rather, he was actually petulant. We all know he spoke mistruths, as there is evidence of them. I can believe he was too drunk to recall the assault of Dr. Ford, but he lied about drinking to excess because he wanted to be on the Supreme Court more than he cares about truth.
Were the journalists reading the confessions shocked by the volume of mail they received? Probably not.
In discussions with others during the Kavanaugh debacle, I mentioned that dozens of people in my life were molested, raped, gang raped, or kidnapped and raped - none reported to the authorities, most didn't tell anyone until years or decades later. It was revealing that not one person reacted with surprise, in fact, everyone nodded in agreement, indicating there are multitudes of victims who never go public.
10
He was petulant because he believed he was falsely accused of a sexual crime he didn't commit. Furthermore, considering the timing, the whole debacle seemed to be completely political and not really concerned with a victim of sexual assault.
Ford's own witnesses contradicted her. One claimed she didn't even know Kavanaugh. Another said she was never there at the party, despite Ford's claims. None of Ford's testimony was corroborated despite all the "witnesses" she claimed to have.
Did Kavanaugh play down his drinking habits? Sure. I would too if it was a matter of saving or ending my career. But he wasn't on public trial for drinking too much in college, it was for an alleged sexual assault that all "witnesses" denied ever happened.
Even if Kavanaugh did drink too much to remember that night, all the witness testimonies that contradict Ford's own testimony is plenty to cast sufficient doubt on her claims.
6
Justice may still come after the Kavanaugh white-washing and FBI-lite investigation. For the reasons you write about, and for the 40+ people who stepped forward and volunteered to be interviewed by the FBI, for the other victim(s) of gang-rapes at that time in that community--I have hope charges will be brought and the evidence will be seen in the light of day.
3
These stories are on the mild end. I worry that this may allow some men to minimize how damaging sexual assault and harassment is.
Perhaps we should hear in more detail about how sexual assault (and having to be on guard against it all your life) affects victims psychologically.
19
https://www.davidlisak.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf/RepeatRapeinUndetected...
Not that I encourage you to do so, but if you examine the bibliography, there are a wealth of real confessions in those studies without the obvious audience and bid for forgiveness.
In the sixties the messages we received from the culture were an abomination. My best friend's father, who was a bible thumpin' Baptist, often hit her and called her a Jezebel and a tramp because she liked flirting and making out with boys. It might sound funny to younger women but this level of disapproval from a parent roots deep, even if you consciously reject it. As far as many parents were concerned if you had any kind of sexual experience you were ruined - damaged goods - no man would love or marry you. This nonsense might not have mattered so much if the culture did not fully support it. There were far too many boys and young men who didn't call you back if you "gave in" and touched them, or, horrors went "all the way." They talked about you. Other boys heard the stories and assumed that you were fair game. I remember girls who had a sexual relationship with someone they thought was their boyfriend only to be informed that he actually had a virginal girlfriend who was actually the girl he loved. I remember girls who were mercilessly cut down by other girls even worse than by the boys. It wasn't that these were bad kids - the boys or the girls - they were just young and caught up in a web of repressive sexual beliefs that was so convoluted that it hurt everyone. These beliefs were, in part, the result of trying to protect girls from getting pregnant. The disconnect was vast between our natural impulses to love and intimacy and what we were told was normal behavior.
3
I'm sorry. As I guy who has nothing whatsoever to feel guilt for--I can't apologize. Not even from teenage years. I came from a family of ten. With eight kids, my mother didn't put up with guff. She had high expectations of morality and low patience for transgressing those expectations. She once washed out my mouth with a bar of soap. Another time she slapped my face so hard it left a mark for two days. I assume it was something I said, I can't really remember. I learned my lesson. Other than that, nothing. I have, however, noticed that over the past five, seven years, a plethora of female teachers who have been caught having sex with their students, their faces smiling or tear stained in the booking photos. Quite a few, I must say. This would be called rape or sex abuse when done by male teachers, but we seem to believe it's not so serious when females do it. Whatever. I'm not here to condemn. Just an illustration in comparisons and contrasts. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We, each of us, need work. We are sometimes weak and we sometimes fail. And we need to understand this. Yes, there is evil in the world, but I also believe most of us, given the choice, would prefer to do the right thing--and have done so many times over. None of us are perfect.
5
"not so serious?" Interesting that you mention this right after "booking photos." If someone is arrested (hence the booking photo) then it is pretty serious. (They also lose their jobs and teaching credentials)
7
It might be a useful exercise to look up how long a sentence those women got after the booking photo vs how long a sentence a male teacher got IF he was reported, the victim was believed, he was arrested, and convicted. A sentence like, say, Brock Turner who was caught in the act.
1
How can young people learn to value vulnerability, especially guys... What perspective, emotional intelligence... It takes persistence and courage and - - social Truth Telling. Power structures, and sexual and gender myths, powerfully impact individual and group perceptions... I was adopted, raised by two people (virgins when married, and monogamous, and physically beautiful) who masked their emotional and relational problems behind "devout" Catholicism, and used all the ways they could to compensate their sterility. I remember a strange incident from childhood involving them both acting on me. I later, through nearly miraculous coincidence, tracked my biological roots. My biological mother was married five times. The man her family implicated had nine children then got a divorce (at least, he was the Catholic football hero my mother's family claimed as my father). My history also includes times of true and exceptional celibacy. But all this new news is prompting me to remember and interpret multiple stories from my own life, both as guilty party and aggrieved, from and toward both genders, in multiple shades of culpability and potential hurt, and with varying outcomes, ages 5 through 50+. (And yes, remembering incidents of being the person-next-door.) But the woman I loved most (who my parents would not let fly out to visit their home) told me "she never felt bad about our relationship", which gives me consoling hope for all the discussions I have not had...
I really hope these guys don't want or expect absolution. "I committed a violent, horrible crime. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I feel really bad about it even after all these years." and some people want to pin a medal on them for sharing? For confessing? I think not. Even if they didn't rape or physically injure these women, they still committed violence on them. Call it pressure, or coercion, or trying to get away with something they knew they shouldn't; it was sexual assault and it was about exerting power over those women. The psychological effects can be far more damaging than physical assault. Those wounds heal, often the psychological wounds never do. If you can give them applause or absolution for acting like a base animal unable to control itself, good for you. I reserve my praise for men who had those thoughts and never acted on them, no matter the provocation, no matter how powerful the impulse, regardless of their hormones, even if they thought she meant yes when she said no. My praise is reserved for good, decent, honorable men.
7
After reading these stories the main conclusion I drew was the importance of factual sex education and of easy access to contraception and plan B. There seem to be so many instances when girls are in danger of rape.
3
The stories here are mostly of minor sexual assaults and teenaged groping. While these were traumatic to the victims and not to be minimized, men commit far more vicious crimes. With one in four (or more) girls and women being raped, where are the men admitting to rapes, gang rapes, date rapes, drugging girls, choking girls, torturing girls, hitting girls?
It makes sense that men would want to remain anonymous when admitting to these crimes, but why can we not hear anonymous submissions? Do rapists ever feel regret? Do they ever think about the impact on their victims? Do they ever seek to atone or make restoration? How did they justify the rape to themselves? What were they thinking? What could have stopped them? How were they able to do it? How did they learn to discount women and not see them as people?
Why do we not get to hear from this considerable segment of men?
5
The men here were not the victims, they were the perpetrators. Maybe they should feel guilt for their crimes.
2
I want to believe in the decency of all people, men and women, yet, as my moniker says, I have experienced a lot of awful stuff. None of the men (boys at the time) were dangerous, "evil" persons; they just thought that their sexual needs were more important than what I wanted. My mother never warned me, and probably their dads never lectured them, so it was endlessly awful. Don't let kids have to figure this out on their own. Educate them!
10
I thank the men for speaking up and say this: If you are truly remorseful, become activists for fight for complete gender equity - equal pay and equal rights to our own bodies, respect for our voices. And, the most important, when you hear your buddies making "jokes" about women or objectifying women, speak up and make it clear that is socially unacceptable.
I'm waiting for the Op Ed about various women's regrets about using their biology and sexuality to take advantage of men. I expect I have a long wait.
12
Can you explain how they do this, and give examples? (as our "President" said, you have to have evidence!)
I am pretty sure you will not find a lot of women who had so much physical strength that they overpowered a man and forced themselves upon him.
2
LOL. Sure. Here you go: I use my 5'2", 105 lb frame to overpower men and force them to have sex with me, physically injuring them in the process. When I'm done, I steal their wallets. If all goes well, I get them pregnant, too.
Happy?
2
There will be an untold number of improper sexual abuse inflicted on young girls by young boys. These examples are likely tame by comparison to those of many victims. The saddest part of the Kavanaugh lies where his inability to even acknowledge that it was the environment in which he lived and partied during his high school and college years. Now he sits in judgement of others. Perhaps he will have a chance to reconcile when Trump's accusers have their day.
2
I have been sexually assaulted twice. The first time was when I was 19. I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend. We had never been truly intimate because I was afraid of getting pregnant. He became physicall and attempted to rape me. I fought back, but I never screamed. I also never told a soul until 10 years ago when the memories started coming back. That’s why I feel so empathetic with Christine Ford — memories of things that happen in past NEVER go away.
The second time happened about 20 years ago at a business conference. One of the male attendees was clearly emotionally disturbed. He kept touching me in front of the other attendees, who also were uncomfortable. One night, there was a knock on my door, and I opened it. The man was there and he jumped on me and pushed me onto the bed. I fought him off and got him out of my room. I didn’t call his boss until after the conference because I, quite stupidly, didn’t want to make a scene. I also never heard from her again.
Neither man ever apologized, and I wonder if they ever remember what they did.
I have three grown male sons, and I have had many discussions with them. I am confident they will never abuse a woman.
4
It was helpful for me to read these stories and therefore know that some young men had a conscience then and now. Those that still make me want to throw up are the pedophiles who have no conscience or empathy for another.
2
Pretty tame infractions but for the few incidents of the young men insisting on oral sex. My first two U.S. junior high school years in West Orange had few dates - but I was under the impression that the girls seemed as eager for sex as the boys; my experience was the same at a Friends boarding school, everyone quite eager to do a lot of petting once you were a couple. the occasional prude or too scared. Some but very little intercourse.
1
None of the men I grew up with did this, and I grew up around some pretty macho, sexist, cheating pigs. The rules were simple:
1) 'No, no, no' meant 'yes, yes, yes' ONLY if she pulled you back.
2) If she changed her mind in the heat of it, she changed her mind. PERIOD. Happens all the time, you'll live.
3) It was always preferable to be the pursued than the pursuer. Just don't blow it.
I never heard of any man forcing themselves on women except the ones who went to jail for RAPE. Am I alone, or were we all just scared macho, sexist, cheating pigs? BTW, Kavanaugh did it, because Ford said so. Woman and girls don't make that stuff up.
1
Kavanaugh did it because Ford said so? Not sure if you're joking or serious here...
I’ve been sexually used against my will, as every woman I know has been. I was raised to think that this was my fault, if not my destiny.
However, the surprise, to me, then and now, is the men, young and old, who did not take advantage of my naive vulnerability.
Thank you to the young Ensign who compassionately cared for me during graduation weekend.
Thanks to an Auburn Lineman who protected my drunken terrified self, stripped naked by his teammates, by putting me in his bed, covered up my nudity and dared anyone to touch me.
These True Men, and others of their ilk, have balanced my scales of male perception. I know many women who never have had, even now, a balanced relationship with a man. They are having to work, daily, against misogynistic tides.
In my third marriage I lucked into another True Man whose life I shared equally. Sadly, many are not so lucky.
143
Sounds like all of these men have paid the price of a lifetime of shameful memories and regret. I had stuff like this happen to me as a young female; luckily I was strong enough to let it go, work it through and grow as a woman to not be scarred by past events. I forgive the misguided men in my past --- they were confused and acting out some pre written script as well. I am sure all have grown and matured.
31
"I was strong enough to let it go..."
This is a haunting idea; a dangerous, damaging, permissive, victim-blaming idea that perpetuates abuse and violence. I'm sorry you feel this way about other victims, that they are not strong. What about being strong enough to speak up? To fight for others? To change systems? To prevent harm? I'm not sure how a person gets to a place where they feel that someone who has been violated is not strong, but I am glad I am not that person. I am glad I am not your daughter or your friend.
4
You said it perfectly Vera.
The lack of empathy I caught between the lines of NY Transplat's post also had me hoping that there was no daughter or friend in her life who may process trauma differently from her, which would have her chastising them for not being 'strong enough' to get over it.
Why are compassion and empathy so rare?
2
I am disturbed that a comment reading "I was strong enough to let it go" is a New York Times pick. The unhealthy culture that is being reinforced by this article and this comment specifically are the reasons we are discussing the issue in the first place.
2
Even though I appreciate the willingness of these 8 men to attach their names to their stories, there's a part of me that wishes some of the anonymous submissions were also published to show the full range and depth of the harm done by some men to others, mostly women, and indirectly themselves (for those who are truly contrite). While I get the NYTimes’ desire for transparency, I also understand that coming forward would not only endanger a person's career and personal life, but it could subject some to criminal prosecution. As a result, the NYTimes had a much smaller pool of stories to share (from hundreds to just 8) and, while devastating, these shared anecdotes are limited in scope. If the NYTimes was serious about having a conversation or at least beginning the process of delving into this subject then we need as many of these stories out in the open. For example, how did someone get involved in a gang rape, and when and how did they feel shame, horror, and regret about their participation. It’s important for as many of these stories to be told and discussed frankly.
15
I’m glad these men came forward. I have a me too story and I only think from my side. These stories gave me the other side. Not that I’m excusing any of the wrong doing. I think only good comes from people being honest and talking from the heart. That is how we heal.
4
I personally don't find any of these stories shocking, nor do I feel anything reading the feelings of the perpetrators. In fact, I feel neutral. I respect that these men were open enough to share these stories with the world, but it seems a bit expected that these stories would come off as mild. Of course, from the perpetrator's perspective, they naturally would be, even if expressed with regret. Also, making names public means that fewer people are likely to admit common albeit more extreme violations. It's frustrating that this reality is censored by the (understandable) need for transparency. But in doing so, the reality for woman becomes watered down, whitewashed, and digestible for men's comfort.
22
I think these men's perspectives are critical. It's important that everyone--men and women--understand that some boys and men feel pressure to be sexually active; that some feel regret for forcing or cajoling girls and women; and that, for many, such moments are watershed events in their lives. I hope all men who have such feelings will share them with their sons. We owe it to our children to show our most regrettable moments and how we overcame them.
2
I appreciate these men sharing their experiences and feelings of shame for what they had done. My hope is that other men who behave this way will read these stories and see themselves. Maybe father's will do more to teach their sons how to treat women with respect.
There will always be some people on this planet without the ability to empathize. But the majority of us can imagine ourselves in someone else's shoes. And people clearly need to start doing this more often.
168
I don't think its a question of empathy, I think its a question of confusion. I think its largely that men in many situations just don't know what to do.
I see where you're coming from, Bobo. Please allow me to clarify, because I believe we're on the same page. If we're referring to the inexperienced or shy 16 year old that groped his crush in the wrestling pile, then I would probably agree. He immediately recognized the pain he caused her and immediately regretted it.
When I reference those who lack empathy, I'm talking about boys and men who repeatedly abuse women; who feel no shame either at the time or later on. These confessions aren't going to change their minds.
But the men who wrote in; who have made the mistakes, regretted them and learned from them, honestly owe it to the rest of us to mentor the younger generation of boys and at least try to make them empathetic enough to know that groping or taking advantage of girls/women is wrong and confident enough to stop it when they see someone else doing it.
76
Men are socialized to think feminine characteristics are less than male. Think of all the insults that put down boys because it makes them like a girl. "You throw like a girl, you cry like a girl--if you want to upset a boy say he does something like a girl.
If that is your standard from a young age, why when you approach puberty and your hormones are raging would you be able to see the girl in front of you as an equal?
It's still an issue for many grown men if they can't fulfill the male stereotype. Men do not want to be out earned, or stay at home, or cook. These things are changing but until the feminine is seen as equal to the masculine we will have men assault women and not really get why its wrong.
10
Economic status is everything in this country. Staying home, 'carer' and 'helper' roles always have and always will be disrespected.
1
Ali2017 Men are socialized to the feminine characteristics are less than male? I think you're confusing "less" with "weaker." All the examples you gave were about feats of physical strength. I don't think I'm the first to inform you that yeah, generally men are stronger than women. The insult isn't a slam against women, it's a slam against the guy's own level of strength.
The reason it's problematic is because you're using characteristics of femininity as insults.
How do you explain cry like a girl? Holding back tears isn't a feat of physical strength, is it? Or do men have stronger eyelids.
This isn't complicated.
verification of these anecdotes would be moot as the article is all about creating drama.
5
Actually, the graphic presentation presentation of this article I found, for once, acceptable, given the reflective and personal nature of the stories. Serious stuff, worthy of serious consideration. Does ANYONE respect, let alone value the wisdom of old age in this culture?
1
We have no choice but to value and heed the words of the old; our country is a gerontocracy.
Nothing sexual, but I engaged in "fat shaming' with a grade school classmate back around 1960 that I'm just now composing an apology for.
8
Tip of the iceberg narratives that seem almost quaint. I feel certain the ~742 darker confessions you received anonymously but didn't publish would have been more impactful on the subject.
30
More impactful - meaning the extreme cases are easier to understand in our black/white world? Yes, subtlety has no place in human emotions as popularly imagined, does it? No wonder we love cartoons and laugh tracked sitcoms. Thinking and reflecting is so exhausting...
4
I absolutely agree. The trouble is that had the submissions been anonymized, there'd be more "fake news" outcry.
1
During the 1990's someone named Tom Leykis had a nationally syndicated radio show in which the main topic of discussion was coaxing women to have sex and then gleefully casting them aside. Leykis coached his callers on the art of seducing women and then debasing them. It was a forum in which Tom and the men who called his show told their stories of sexual conquest. I listened occasionally, not in agreement, but in astonishment and a desire to understand how men with a very different perspective than mine were thinking. Regrettably, some women did call the show to cheer Leykis on. When women were allowed on the air to object, they were mocked. And it was the Howard Stern show of course, that gave the likes of Donald Trump a forum to brag about their sexual exploits and to generally debase women. To this day, Stern remains popular to this day despite hosting a showcase of misogyny for decades. These kinds of shows strongly influenced the cultural climate. Even though what the writers of these stories did was wrong, the affect that the objectification of women by the media had on men's thinking should be considered as we try to remake our culture.
11
Yes, even "screwball comedies" of the past got a lot of mileage out of knocking women to a degree highly distateful to us today, and exalting male perogatives. Now we just have to deal with the cleavage and stilettos every female detective/ talk show host has to employ to get eyeballs. Women are complicit, but where do you begin to turn this tide?
It's great to aknowledge the past, but what we really need now it to talk about the future. And that means a useful and improved SEXUAL EDUCATION in all schools and highschools.
3
I doubt there's anyone competent to do a good job of that, though it is a laudable aspiration. Maybe in the next 50 years...
Thank you for a good article and making folks more aware of men behaving badly. As a man who has not ever engaged in sexual anything with non consenting women, i demand equal time for an article about women treating men badly and how they feel. Both gender's can be quite savage, i promise.
At age 74 i can say i've met quite a few of each, and would like to hear how the gal's felt. I am not indulging in Fox new's whataboutism here, i really want to know and understand.
Dr. Ford's testimony brought back a suppressed memory from my high school years in the 1950's. It involved a snake being put down inside my blouse. I have dealt with what I thought was an unexplained phobia of snakes and reptiles for 60 years. For the first time I told my husband and my daughter. One laughed and the other was outraged ...you guess which one laughed. I forgive John who abused me.
8
It was interesting to read the mail perspective in regards to in appropriate behavior with women.
I had multiple inappropriate advances from boys starting in Junior High and through out High School. The first was a boy grabbing my breast while I stood in line for lunch. I remember asking him why he did it; he didn't answer just laughed.
Since, Dr. Ford's testimony I have wondered if the men who disrespected me remember or not. A lot of the memories of these inappropriate advances have return to me. I wish I could find these men and confront them now because the behavior still disgusts me.
4
I admire these men for sharing their stories publicly about their immoral sexual behavior in their youth. Everyone involved suffers from the behavior. Yesterday I reported an advertisement that came up on my Instagram feed. It was a snippet of an asian webcomic where a boy is carrying a girl in his arms and both I assumed to be of school age. She is asking to be let go and his response is 'be a good girl' or something like that. The ad wasn't meant to be pornographic, the composition was set up as click-bait preview implying that a juicy romantic scene is about to occur. In almost all of the 200 or so comments on the ad, each claimed the scene was rape/date rape and a crime. I'm not sure how many times an ad needs to be reported for it to be banned period, but I hope those comments and reporting the ad sends a message to this comic company that their views of romantic storytelling is completely flawed and some serious self-evaluation is required. That ad just made me realize how deeply rooted this issue is and we all have to step up to address it.
3
Thank you, NYTimes, for providing this space to help with understanding and healing.
Years ago, when a fraternity gang rape had been discovered at a major university where we both worked, a friend of mine commented, "Why can't they just behave?" I think she was right on. The current chatter about "confusion," "mixed messages," and "lack of rules" is no more than a screen of excuses behind which boys and men actually do know how to behave. Many of them simply don't. Take responsibility, guys, and do the right thing the first time.
17
Wrong. There's no objective criteria or measurement when it comes to reading body language and verbal cues. There is certainly something to be said about mixed messages and confusion. To say otherwise is to simply bury your head in the sand.
1
I think a sincere interest in making sure everyone is enjoying themselves go along way. In a lot of the gray cases you hear, what happened was that the perpetrator wasn't really looking for signs of a no. I think things can be a lot less fraught if you are clear about your goals in the beginning. If what you want is human connection and/or a good time, won't it be better if the other participant is really enjoying it? What's better than having a great experience and also having the other person like it so much they want more? If you go into things with the goal of an enjoyable time for both people rather than an arbitrary goal of meeting external expectations about running bases or getting one over on the other participant, you're a lot less likely to unintentionally make someone feel bad and you're also more likely to have a good time! And as a bonus, women often can tell when men are truly concerned about their experience and will then be more enthusiastic. Meanwhile, if you go in trying to get away with as much as you can, she leaves feeling exploited and you have a bad feeling about the situation later. What's better, a really fantastic make out session or sex where no one is enjoying themselves? And that's all stuff you can even do from a selfish perspective. Food for thought.
Where are the women stories. Your paper seems to know nothing about sexual strategies of men and strangely enough of women. I have had women chase after me and when I told one of them I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her I had charges filed against me. Fortunately I was not the first person harassed by this woman nor the last. I was thankful I'd had a vasectomy when I was accused of fathering a child with her. Unfortunately, it was up to me to disprove her claims. I have had and watched a woman boss go after the males in the work place. I never went to lunch, dinner, or any social events with women who worked for me. I was to learn this was discriminator behavior. I had to treat two to lunch, one male and one female, if I wanted to have lunch with them. Yes, there are lots of sleazy males out there but there are plenty of females that are no better.
6
As a woman, I find some comfort, I guess, in knowing that at least some men regret their unwanted sexual aggression toward women. There are many more men, I fear, who have no regrets, no shame and no clue.
4
I appreciate the purpose of this piece illuminates to people what "otherwise great guys" have done and their complicit participation of misogyny and impulse to control women. I commend them for coming out, but at the same time, you aren't off the hook. Train your boys, train your grown sons, talk about this more, and don't be offended if women get up and leave. Because as much as I admire you for doing the right thing. I still hate each and every one of you.
1
Like a number of women these days I've told my husband about both two outright assaults, as well as the really stupid indignities and coercions that occurred in my teen years. He couldn't believe that a common line, in the sixties, at least in pre-hipster Brooklyn, was for a guy to say "hey, I wuz just trying a find out what kinda girl you are" when he tried to feel you up and you slapped his hand away. Were guys really that stupid, he asked, to think a girl would buy something so stupid?
We're in agreement that there was an enormous degree of confusion and guilt heaped on teenagers in the sixties. In the face of so many confusing messages - good girls, bad girls, tramps, virgins - it's no wonder we all acted out. Girls DID act out. They called one another tramps, they talked about one another behind their backs and so on. A girls "reputation" could be just as badly damaged by other girls as it often was by boys. We need to take responsibility for that side of the story.
Some years ago I recounted details of a disturbing teenage sexual experience that took place when I was 14. The boy was 17. When my male friend responded he referred to the guy, who held so much power in my imagination, as "this kid..." My perspective shifted. It wasn't just me who was a kid when it happened - we were both kids. Nobody really knew what we were doing and the culture was sending us bizarre, schizophrenic messages about sex and relationships. On some level we were all victims of this insanity.
1
OK - I just read all of these stories and there's maybe one that depicts actual truly abusive behavior from the point of view of the narrator - most tell of their guilt or virtuous response at even attempting to engage sexually with a female in High School - most don't include severe intoxication of any sort - most involve explicit consent - some were only "witnesses" - many had NO IDEA regarding the experience of the female involved.
but most important, this was HIGH SCHOOL for god's sake -
where boys and girls begin to figure out the dynamics of the way men and women manipulate each other...in both positive and negative ways. Of course many young women are hurt by this, but so too are MANY young men.
Of far greater value would be a discussion of the way men have enslaved women since the beginning of time, and the participation and indoctrination of both since birth.
Or the hyper sexual obsession of the current culture and the death of respect and the balanced, loving relationship as a result.
what's next - elementary school?
7
I'm very impressed--and heartened--that these men even remember these events, much less that they've exposed themselves in the NYT. I hope this leads more men to examine their memories for any possible unwanted behavior on their own parts.
I applaud the men who have either apologized in this forum, or tried to find the woman to apologize. While it may be humiliating to apologize, it's also humiliating to be on the receiving end of unwanted sexual behavior. It's not the same as walking in our shoes, but it's not a bad start to a conversation long overdue.
1
I really appreciate being able to read these stories. I know not everyone will want to read them, but I'm interested in hearing men reflect and I think it's a good addition to my understanding of how some of these events unfold. Thank you to the men for their openness and to the Times for this journalism. (And for those who may be offended that I am thanking these men, I say this: I am not the one whom they need to ask for forgiveness, but I appreciate their honesty in discussing these events and giving their names when so many other people have not.)
1
Too shy and scared. No real moral objections.
Morals have nothing to do with desire, no bearing on natural and normal motivation. The only thing that should matter is whether the people involved are making up their minds freely and if so,willing to accept the possible consequences.
The publication of these stories have helped reassure me that there is a right and wrong in personal behaviour and most of us are able to find it, some sooner and some later, some probably never do. But does this have to be always at the expense of our females? I'd love to know their reactions. I would also love to see these stories compiled into a book. Thank you NYT and contributors!
1
Thank you for running this, NYT. I don't know one woman who hasn't had at least one experience like this (including myself); that's why it is so insulting that the brave ones who fight back are accused of lying. These things shouldn't happen in the first place, but I applaud these men for expressing their regret, even decades later. It feels like we're making some progress (even if it's just baby steps).
11
We must always have the presumption of innocence. I don't think it's right to accuse all women of lying about these situations, but once it becomes a matter of destroying someone's career there needs to be a presumption of innocence until proven guilty.
1
The "presumption of innocence" doesn't apply to private employment decisions. It applies only in criminal proceedings. The statement that we "must always have the presumption of innocence" is ignorant and wrong.
Or does your employer need to go through a whole criminal proceeding and get a guilty verdict before firing you for whatever he wants?
Didn't think so.
Also, whose career has been destroyed? Kavanaughs? Louis CK? Yeah, they're really hurting. Eyeroll.
1
Thank you so much for this. I am a woman who graduated high school in 1989 and this was a very healing thing to read. A sincere apology can do so much good.
1
Two things strongly come to mind:
First, The NYT chose to publish very sanitized, very mild incidents where pretty much no crimes were committed. No one's admitted to much. No one could be convicted of anything. There is no there THERE. This is a whole lot of nothing. As the survivor of decades of molestation, manipulation, coercion, physical violence, sexual abuse, and two sexual assaults, and two rapes.
THIS IS ALL YOU GOT, NYT?
Pathetic.
Second, All of the men hasten to assure us that while they did bad things as teenagers, they've NEVER done anything like this AGAIN. They are VERY ashamed. They are MUCH better men NOW. We can forgive them.
I'm SO relieved. Public confession is so good for the soul! It's all about them, after all.
Except, I don't actually believe them. Young men who take advantage of others, and fail to see women as full, and valuable human beings with feelings, rights, and the ability to be damaged... they don't tend to grow out of that. No matter how many mea culpae they issue. They SAY they are sorry. Proof they live it? None. Too many men expect an endless pass for bad behavior, and WE GIVE IT TO THEM.
I've met good men. The bad ones don't stop being bad because they age. They don't grow up. They don't change. They don't get less entitled. They don't stop manipulating women--or anyone else. They see humans as objects for their use.
6
What is most powerful about these confessions is how mundane these encounters really are. There is not a woman alive who hasn't felt and lived the fear and intimidation and violations described here, and far too many have experienced much, much worse. Hopefully with more dialogues like this, society will stop internalizing this fear as the unnamed white noise of life, or as the natural condition of womanhood. We can't change it if we don't name it. And that requires both sides.
16
These stories are kid's play (lol) compared to what happened to me on my first night at college back in 1970. The experience still haunts me. I know the guy is still out there, probably with little girl grandchildren.
10
To the women who wrote that they feel no pity toward these men. We are not asked to pity, and only their victims can forgive. I, personally, would greatly appreciate an expression of sincere regret from the man who raped and mistreated me. I would like to be able to tell my son this his father is, at heart, a good man.
120
Every day I see comments on the NYT from good men, men who are horrified by the way Trump, Weinstein et al treat women, men who treat everyone male and female with respect. I would like to hear about some of these men.
There are a lot of good men out there but they don't make headlines, maybe it's time to change that.
6
"It hadn’t occurred to me that she may have felt violated or pressured or afraid because of my lack of self-control."
Wow! I love this statement. My first experience with a boy (even before my first kiss) was being pressured to perform oral sex. I've been beating myself up ever since for giving into peer pressure rather than just leaving the situation. It's so refreshing and encouraging to see men acknowledging the girl's or woman's discomfort from such encounters. I just hope this message is getting to today's young people.
7
I am all in favor of men being sensitive to possibilities about what a woman is feeling, but they aren't morally required to be mind readers.
All these men are (so they say) one-timers. None of them are pedophiles. I suppose serial abusers, such as two of our Supreme Court justices, have no regrets, except perhaps that they can no longer get away with it. Are pedophiles even capable of regret?
1
Regarding Max: he states ". . .somehow we wound up back in the car and I pressured her for oral sex. I don’t believe she voiced any explicit dissent, but I had to cajole to get what I wanted." There is nothing wrong with taking the lead and voicing one's sexual desires to another. Nothing. Many, many, healthy relationships include one partner who has a sexual desire which the other may not have, yet acquiesces for the pleasure of the other. I know some men who don't enjoy giving oral sex to their female partners--should their girlfriends and wives feel bad for asking for it? Of course not! Max's high school girlfriend had an ample opportunity to say "no" to your request for fellatio; the fact that she acted on his desire is nothing for him to be ashamed of. Do teenagers sometimes comply with the desires of others, sexual and otherwise, so as not to be rejected? Of course. But learning to act according to one's own wishes is part of growing up--both Max and his girlfriend were teenagers, inexperienced in all matters of life, remember?
7
I think yours is the most intelligent comment I have read on this thread.
I think back to the time I chose to finally be intimate with a boy I had been seeing--only for him to yell at me and repeat "STOP MOVING," aka STOP FIGHTING halfway through when I changed my mind.
I think back to the time when a stranger who was introduced to me at a bar said, "I've never wanted to rape someone more in my life."
I think back to the one of many times a man decided he was allowed to grab my rear without consent. When I confronted him, he responded with, "you shouldn't wear those pants if you don't want to be touched." Or, what about the man who did the same thing and replied to confrontation with, "Where is your boyfriend? I'll fight him." When I told the security staff at the bar that I had been groped and threatened, the man shrugged his shoulders and looked the other way.
These are only a few of the stories from my short 26 years of life. I would like to hear from those men today, but I must admit nothing they could say would every justify their behavior. To find out they were filled with regret would only make me angrier. You regret your behavior? I regret even being in the same place as you, at the same time. And I am glad that you can't forget, because I certainly can't.
11
During the Kavanaugh hearings, we heard often that only between 2% and 8% of rape claims by women are false. So let's say it's 5%. The NYT received 750 responses to this story. Sixth grade math tell us that if the NYT put out a call for women who have made an official false rape report, there should be at least 37 responses. I for one would like to understand the details and rationale behind this false reporting, from women who have engaged in it. I don't even want to know their names if the NYT wants to protect their anonymity.
2
Oh well, boys will be boys.
That's too easy. I want to know why any boy thinks he can handle a girl without permission. And, perhaps more importantly, what makes some boys say that they cannot conceive of doing so. Appropriate parenting? Shy? Fear? Simple lack of entitlement? Inherent goodness? Because the good, honest respectful teen males have the same hormones and yet they do the right thing. So, no, it can't just be blamed on all the easy default excuses.
4
Thank you to these men, who had the courage and the humility to speak up.
3
I appreciate these stories very much. Traumatic sexual experiences leave strong memories for everyone involved. That these men had these experiences and did these things says as much about our culture of sexual coercion and violence as they do about the men themselves. I hope other men follow this example of reckoning with their past selves.
I cannot get over how much the details of these stories remind me of Dr. Ford's testimony. These men remember where they were, what they did, who they hurt, and who else was there. Their stories are credible, even if the other details of their experiences are fuzzy. I can only hope beyond all reason that this buries once and for all the "theory" that Dr. Ford is mistaken about the identity of her attacker. These men remember. She remembers. I think Justice Kavanaugh and Mark Judge remember, too.
3
I was sexually assaulted as a child, but what haunts me is the sexual assault of my daughter when she was 13 by a boy who was 2-3 years older than she was. I did not find out about it until she was in college, but the incident changed the way she sees herself. I feel so inadequate as a parent and like I failed her.
She also blames me because she feels that I should have protected her from this boy. I think her feelings are valid, but I never knew about the boy, and never knew that she was going to his house - she told me she was going to a girlfriend's house that day. In any case, things that happen in middle school/high school do matter very much and, as I am well aware from my daughter's case, can have lasting and harmful effects, even more than a decade later. Probably forever actually.
10
I found it interesting that there are no stories here from men who graduated from high school in the 1980s. While it might be a function of the non-anonymity requirement that the NY Times imposed and, as noted, those men of that era are still pre-retirement age, but this Kavanaugh age group is glaringly absent. While Gen Xers were probably no better nor worse than any other, there existed a pervasive "it's not cool to care" attitude during the 1980s and early 1990s that may well have an impact on attitudes and actions of regret.
9
My immediate thought is that these stories seem very, very tame to what I've seen and heard. The anonymous version would be 1000 times more terrible.
Thank you, Times, for this article, we need 1 million more like it.
14
I really appreciated what was said by those who were willing to put themselves out there. It very much matters to me and I suspect, to others who have been sexually assaulted to know that there are men out there who are thinking about these things and what part they may have played involving another woman or girl.
I'm glad the Times did this. We need much, much more of this kind of dialogue. It did me some good to hear about their regrets and their efforts to make things right.
Thank you.
Too painful to read even as I'm grateful that these men shared their stories. Whether there is redemption or not, whether there is peace or not for the victims, it is as important, as are Truth Reconciliation Commission globally, to speak up. That is how we do better. Thank you.
1
Lee Montgomery's tale was very riveting, as indeed, no matter what was done, or intended to be done (or not), the very image of her on her own in that car, away from others, with the doors closed, and two men inside...one in close physical proximity to her, and the other at the wheel, capable of whisking her away to ANYwhere, would be terrifying for anyone.
4
Give me a break, Man-Haters of the World! May we please have the equivalent for mean things women did? NYT, you're thoroughly off your rocker!
4
Man: "I don't care about violence against women! People who care about victims of sexual violence are crazy!"
Women: "Wow, I really hate some men."
Man: "Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whine whine whine why do you all hate men!?!?!?"
9
Yeah, sure: I once called a man a disgusting sexist pig after he felt free to discuss various parts of my anatomy with our mutual coworkers. I'd like to apologize to him for comparing him to an animal. I guess I'm no better than Trump's calling women dogs, pigs, and horsefaces.
2
When are you going to have a feature about women who made false accusations of sexual harassment and/or rape which caused the ruin of good and honorable men? Given that I am a two-time victim of such women who were either delusional or evil, I just had to ask.
5
Yes, please do. I'm curious to know how often this really happens as I have known no one in my life who has this experience. On the other hand, I've known countless women, myself included, who have been the victims of sexual assault or harassment.
22
It seems to me that theses stories exemplify the ignorance of the children of Christians with regard to sexual matters. It is obvious that the parents of these youngsters never really discussed sexuality. It is likely that the shame of sex taught to them by their religion also makes it impossible for them to educate their children in that regard. I believe this ignorance in reality is intentional on the part of the cult leaders because an ignorant child driven by it's natural urges is more likely to have children at a young age before they are fully adult. Children should know the facts and be encouraged to masturbate and have respect for the opposite sex.
I'll bet that most of you still have difficulty discussing sexual activity without feeling uncomfortable because of the shame you were taught. If you were true adults you wouldn't feel like that, but then, it might be harder to control you. By being "good boys and girl". you show you are controlled.
6
In the interests of balance, could we have some women’s stories of regret for the way they treated the men in their lives?
4
An interesting theme in some of these is the memory of seeing or facing the person immediately afterward. If the man at the party hadn't seen the face of his victim as she left the party - would he have ever known how wrong he was? If the man hadn't been forced to see the mom of his victim at work the next week, would he have ever revisited his thoughts on what he had just done?
9
I vividly remember being a hormone-steeped teen in the '70s. I could barely function. It was all-consuming. Just snuck up on me one day without warning and there I was, stumbling along in a horn-haze, wondering what the hell was happening to me.
We'd had sex-ed in grades 5 and 6, but it was all biology. Nothing about being taken over by your endocrine system to the point of insanity. No instructions for boys on how to behave under the influence of testosterone. Truth is, by age 16, the thoughts and impulses clawing at me made me feel like a dirty old man. I'd not asked for them. They'd just showed up.
Yet, I did not step over the line with any girls. Not because I was a moral exemplar. Because I was far too insecure, terrified of attractive females of any age and of rejection to try anything... until a girl I liked gave me the clear verbal go-ahead I'd been so desperately waiting for. Even then, I kept checking to make sure she was OK as we progressed.
I know no women want to hear this, but sometimes a male can't be sure if no really means no. Some girls would say no as part of the whole tango, later explaining they wanted to be ravaged, just not in the first five minutes. I had more than one girl mock me for not being more aggressive -- even after saying no.
Confusing stuff.
All that said, I don't excuse a male assault on a woman. We're physically stronger. Women are acutely aware of this, thus hesitant to resist. It's on us to control ourselves -- no matter what.
218
Good perspective, thank you for speaking up. This is the kind of thing we need to be talking to teenage boys about.
5
>I know no women want to hear this, but sometimes a male can't be sure if no really means no
Assume that it does.
1
No means no. There is no other meaning.
Here's this "old white guy's" story of gratitude.
I went out on a date (long, long ago) with a college girlfriend; I don't remember what we did or what we saw, but at the end of the night we headed back to her dorm room. While she fussed about, I lay down on her bed and attempted to rest my eyes for a moment, only to wake up hours later with the startled recognition I had slept away most of the night on her bed. Other than my shoes being off and a blanket laid upon me, I was as I had been when I passed out from too much beer and the late hour. I found my girlfriend out in the dorm floor lobby, sleeping on the sofa. She explained she and her friends had tried to wake me, but I was out to the world - and helpless. Where I lucked out was passing out in a dorm full of women; I was cared for and treated with dignity and respect while I slept it off.
There would have been no such hope of a similar outcome with even my dearest male friends (I shudder to contemplate it). I've concluded that, in general, women are simply better people than men are, including me. I just try to be worthy of their attention and affection and support them however they tell me I can.
708
Wow. You need new guy friends dude. I can (and have) passed out and not been hurt, preyed upon, or pranked by my friends. I get tired of everyone painting all men as animals.
I never have, nor never would engage in any of the behaviors listed here. Simply never occurred to me. I was raised better.
Women are not some magical race of beings from the heavens. They are human, folly prone, and capable of being just as nasty, and abusive as anyone else.
Worshiping them is just as harmful as the opposite.
2
thank you.
DO you see now then why Dr. Ford could only remember the act and such trivial things like how she got there she can't remember? I always hated that narrative she must be lying because she doesn't know this or that, the act itself was the most memorable and damaging who cares about transportation.
1
As a woman, all I can say is: why? Is it so hard to see beforehand how damaging these actions are? Why can't you see that girls and women are human beings? Who could otherwise be friends? Why?
And the other thing - many of these stories involve not one boy/man, but a group. Nothing is scarier than a group of guys on the hunt. Not even a pack of actual wolves is as scary to a young woman.
So, what do we do?
455
JLC: I think we continue the difficult discussion, from both sides. We parents and others continue to teach our sons and daughters what is right. There will be tears and there will be anger and shame, but hopefully too some progress.
Also, take a look at JR's comment, almost as if by design immediately below yours. All of us who are struggling to do the right thing need to support each other in the journey.
6
Regarding why: empathy is not highly valued in high school. Think of all the ways that jerky boys humiliate other boys (you may remember them well if you are a boy), or that "mean girls" humiliate other girls. To me it's not so surprising that a similar lack of empathy appears in boy/girl relations.
11
We talk about sex and consent in an open way. Unfortunately, when a friend asked on social media about how parents were tackling this subject, parents got VERY defensive. One mother even said she felt "icky and accused."
Things have got to change and parents need to be a big part of this change.
12
I was struck by how many of these men felt some external pressure to do these things--either peer pressure, their own notions of "manliness," or whatever.
I really hesitated to read this, but I'm glad I did. And I appreciate their awareness of what they did.
Now just imagine if Brett Kavanaugh had expressed himself in this way during the hearings, with honesty and remorse. He'd have ended up looking more like a mensch, and less like a creep.
667
..because he feels no remorse.
6
And he wouldn't have been confirmed. And it is painful to realize that he may also have been in the position to be nominated precisely because he had behaved in the way that he did and lied about it and denied. Being a thug and lying about it and denying it might seem to be criteria for recogntion in this administration.
3
For that to happen, he'd have to BE a mensch and not a creep. That ship sailed a long time ago.
2
To those who are not interested in the stories of perpetrators or in the male voice at all at this juncture, I would argue that all perspectives are useful in understanding how and why these behaviors occurred, and therefore in formulating ways to raise and educate young people so that such abuses are prevented in the future.
I respect and thank the men who stepped forward in this spirit.
751
Ya know, feminists have understood the *whys* for a very long time and have been working on fixing the whys for a very long time.
People just don't like to listen because we're nasty/shrew/man-haters.
But when A MAN is speaking! Let's all listen! He might have something helpful to add.
I heard nothing new in these stories, just sickening repeats of more of the same, experiences that I and women I know who are my age have had. I guess I'm glad men volunteered to share. I hope it educates someone. But this is old, old, old news to lots of women.
Bra snaps? Check. Unwanted kissing? Check. Being physically picked up and moved against my will? Check. Being begged and cajoled? Check. Being groped? Check.
I'm 31. I did not graduate high school in 1970.
7
C's daughter: I commiserate and understand. Believe me. This is old news to a lot of women. And women need to be heard, and healed.
My intention was merely to support conversation on all sides of the story. Understanding what motivates and perpetuates this behavior as well as the consequences on all sides might help us to educate potential abusers to respect others and support potential victims in standing up for themselves.
4
I think it's great for men to share and reflect, and as we see here, recognize the problem with their behaviour and change. But how many of the men who wrote in are asking the women in their lives about their experiences? To the list C's Daughter offers, I could add masturbated in front of by a stranger, groped by a stranger on public transit, flashed on public transit, stalked as a university student, closed in a bedroom very much like Dr. Ford as a high school student (albeit without the hand over my mouth), and yes, sexually assaulted by a naked stranger who sprang from the bushes when I was seven. (That one was later arrested, because thankfully my parents had taught me to speak up for myself.)
This is only a partial list. It may sound like I'm making it up, but I promise you that every last word is true. And I'll guarantee you that most women have a list very much like it—or worse. Yet when I've tried to have this conversation with my otherwise very aware male friends, I've been shut down every time.
Men, even those not guilty of anything themselves, do not really want to know what it's like for women. Until that changes, nothing else will.
5
These guys are among the 95% of decent people who are empathetic and know in their hearts that they are letting themselves and their women friends down. It's the 5% of psychopaths, like Trump and Kavanaugh who care only about their own satisfaction and everyone else be damned.
1
This is boring. Ask the women what they did to be ashamed of in high school, or in later years. Have you read about the parents of a boy suing five girls for conspiring to accuse him of sexual assault. He was fired from his job, arrested, subjected to several court appearances, abused and pilloried in high school, etc. The girls finally admitted it was all false. They just didn't like him. They set him up and then accused him of assault on two different occasions. It was all false. They got away with it. No repercussions, no discipline, not even a note in their school record. This happened in Pennsylvania just last year.
If you expect men to admit and confess, then in the interest of equality of the sexes, whatever, then women, you, the propagandists of this 'journalistic' endeavor need to do the same. If women don't beat, rape and assault men and boys, (40% of domestic abuse is perpetrated by women) they certainly do engage in deliberate malicious psychological abuse.
Own up women. Until you do you're all profound hypocrites. (But that doesn't matter to propagandists. I learned that when I read Joseph Goebbels diaries. You, the NYT, are my advanced studies examples of the art of manipulative propaganda.)
6
85% of all domestic violence victims are GIRLS and WOMEN.
15% are men - and some of those numbers are male on male violence.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n...
4
The Huffington Post is your source? If you quote Huffington post then i will quote the Guardian.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-vio...
They say more than 40% of domestic violence victims are men.
I thank these men for revealing their own stories and their own hurt in these situations, and their abiding guilt. I applaud them for coming forward. Perhaps other men will do the same, or apologize to the women they forced into a guarded stance perhaps for decades. I just remembered a 40 year old man running up behind me in the Madrid subway in 1970 and sticking his finger in my vagina before running away laughing. You know what? I'd forgotten about that incident, having been raped twice in college the same year, walking back from the library at 9:30 at night, and another time. The Spanish man's violation seemed shocking, but not as loud a hurt as the rapes, and I forgot it. Until yesterday. Men sharing their stories like this will help us all heal.
1
This is a good start. One quick thought regarding perpetrators attempting to contact their targets after a long period of time: don't. As a SWM I have had several incidents where I was in the company of men who were friends or coworkers, or even just minding my own business, when they hit on me aggressively. It's shocking because you just aren't prepared for it. I don't need to get an apology from the man who was 20 years older than me and accosted me in a public restroom then stalked me; I don't need to hear from the college friend who assaulted me when we were drunk; I don't need to hear from the person who stranded me on the side of the road because I slapped his hands away from my thigh. If they found a change of heart and they feel remorse, that's enough for me. Hearing from them again would only bring me back to those ugly memories and victimize me a second time.
122
That was my thought too - DO NOT CONTACT THEM. I would be terrified if my assaulters tried to reach out to me for some self-serving redemption. Perhaps irrational, but abject fear is all I'd feel. That fear and panic would mask any kind of response a victim might feel obligated to provide. Any forgiveness well-meaning former assaulters might be hoping for isn't guaranteed to help the victim. Leave them in peace. Do better by talking to young men and telling them to be better humans.
1
To the people who are angry and frustrated that this article and these confessions only compound the problem and do nothing to solve the problem of sexual abuse, I say: I think I understand your rage, and I would not try to placate your drive for justice. What is different and new about this public sharing is that. generally speaking, we do not hear men express regret hardly ever. Men do not speak to each other about vulnerability or mistakes, so this is a very small step forward for many. For us to grow as a society, more of these open conversations about regret must occur, and if they're coupled with actions for healing or correction, then we might begin to really change the climate for women and men.
4
Words and apologies are nice but mostly meaningless. The most sincere form of apology is simply not repeating the offensive act ever again. It doesn't matter if no one else knows about one's repentance.
2
Funny- my worst abuser from when I was a tween (and he was a trusted adult), seemed perfectly regretful with his behavior even as he committed the abuse. Self awareness and shame didn't seem to result in changed behavior- actually it seemed to amplify and justify it (I'm weak! out of control! obsessed! I know this is wrong!). Maybe men should stop being so amazed with their violent and dehumanizing impulses/histories- it is clear that it is fairly run-of-the-mill- especially in group/cultural settings. I've always thought men were over indulgent with their sense of power and shame and fascinated with malfeasance. Your deep angsty process about interacting with girls/women prior to seeing them as full human beings entitled to the same respect/protection as a boy/man is so boring.- Stop coddling yourselves- Diane doesn't care.
10
Im looking forward to the follow up column where women lament how they have hurt men. Including a diatribes about how women have taken children away from men in divorce cases and forced fathers to pay for a child they can no longer have relationships with. Maybe a paragraph on how false rape cases have destroyed mens lives. Or a section devoted to men are being cast as villains in society simply because of their genitals or skin color. I'll just wait for that article.
2
We need to start sex education much, much earlier (or even have it in the first place). I never understood why boys and girls are separated in younger sex-ed classes. Doesn't that automatically install some sort of shame dynamic? A lot of young men learn sex-ed through pornography, which reinforces the "conquer" mentality. They need to be educated, and it to be done earlier.
Groups and individuals who try and stop schools from implementing real and thorough sex-ed programs hold a lot of blame for the toxic masculinity that is finally facing a reckoning in our culture. Promoting abstinence in teenagers revolves around shaming women. This article spells this out plainly: teenagers and young people want to have sex. That's biological. We should teach kids and teenagers the tools they need to respect other people's bodies and their own. Teach girls to own their sexuality without shame. Teach men to be vulnerable and empathetic! The narrative of "I am the conqueror" is reinforced in every notion of "masculinity" that sells products and perpetuates toxic stereotypes.
3
It's saddening to read these stories--I am glad the men are telling them. But I'm a bit afraid their confessions are preaching to the choir. The Brett Kavanaughs, the Clarence Thomases, the Donald Trumps, have no regrets. How do we get to the men who have no regrets?
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
7
Women/men who do not report rape/sexual assault should see their own shortcomings in preventing other rapes to occur. If you get raped, the first thing to do, is to call the police.
And who gives in to pressure to have sexual relation for whatever reason, does it because he/she gets something out of it (it does not matter how small that return might be).
Who doesn´t want sexual relations, just have to say NO and mean it. If the partner continues, then it's rape and should be reported to the police.
An there is no such thing as a un-empowered person (femaile or male). Everyone has the power to say NO. It might result in not being accepted in a group or loose someone, but who wants to be in a group that requires this kind of submission, or who wants to continue to love someone abusive. Everyone should take responsibility for his/her own action.
Abused? Denounce immediately!
Don't wait 10 or 20 years to do it just because you did not want to hurt your career. That makes you as almost as bad as the perpetrator.
Did you watch what happened to Blasey Ford? Have you ever watched what happens when young women come forward, when older women come forward? I guess not. Perhaps you think it's worth the unpleasantness. It's not. What happens is that the criminal justice system puts you through the whole thing all over again. If you lose you are branded a liar for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter if you were mildly, seriously, or severely injured. The defense is out to destroy you. It takes a very strong person to deal with that as well as a good support system. The reaction most people have is that you need to get over it and move on. If you can't they will move on without you.
10
There are more than fifty shades of grey here. Perceptions change over a lifetime; memory and feelings of guilt persist. Women frequently neither aggressively, physically resist nor report trespasses. Some do, and are stifled. Stimulated by #MeToo/SCOTUS, virtually every woman I know has recently shared some such remembrance.
I, too, did not shout, scream, bite, kick, threaten and report immediately to everyone or anyone – when I was assaulted. I let it go. But, the memories of even minor incidents – a man exposing himself to me when I was walking my dog, another grabbing my breast in the London underground, a lecherous uncle, a creepy doctor – are not erased. The urge to accept blame and self-shaming is so ingrained.
A close friend recently remembered that she was quite probably date raped while unconscious – forty years ago. Reporting it would have exposed her to further damage, so she repressed it. We understand this. In this article, I find hope that the men who assaulted or pressured or succeeded in trapping me into situations where my ability to say “no” was compromised may feel as much guilt about it as I do. I hope it has caused them to raise their children differently. Coercion-free seduction is possible. Animals practice beneficial courtship rituals better than humans do. Perhaps we need to devolve.
1
I'm curious. When will the stories of women that falsely accused a man, be printed?
3
The number of those cases are few and far between. Compared to the mountain of assaults, the false accusations aren't even an anthill.
8
So, few and far between doesn't count? Got it. MAGA.
1
I seem to recall an astronomical number of women (the number 40,000 is in my mind) responded to the NYT inquiry about their experiences related to testimony by Dr. Ford and Mr. Kavanaugh. The number of men responding is so small by comparison. That makes a loud and sad statement of the importance of these life-altering experiences to each gender.
1
These stories would have been better if there had been more self-reflection on the WHY behind the behavior. As they are, I find them interesting, but quite unsatisfying.
The one thing that does sit with me is that these men remember what they did. Kavanaugh claims not to have remembered that party at all, which I found highly suspect, and these stories reinforce that suspicion.
7
Interesting. I tried this experiment on my Facebook page called "A Call to Action", asking men to be brave and come clean, just as we women have had to be brave with our #MeToo stories. I mostly got very nasty, vulgar responses. Glad you had more luck than me NYT. Here's my go at it: https://tinyurl.com/y7sqbt9d
1
I would like to know how these men would react today if any of these women came forward and accused them of sexual assault. If it meant losing an important job appointment or prestige, would they deny that it ever happened or would they fess up? It's easy to confess and have regrets when nothing is at stake.
10
Not so easy to permit publication under your own name, have to respect that, don't we?
And apparently it is so very easy (and rewarding!) to deny when lifetime tenure is at stake. Doing so may increase one's beer budget, but decrease opportunities to coach girls' basketball. Oh, well!
This reads as a bunch of older men trying to release the demons they've grappled with their whole lives. That's what therapy is for - not the New York Times. Readers don't need to be reassured by sex offenders that they felt "shame" at the time or now feel "embarrassed". Matter-of-fact stories describing the violations and the effects on the victim could indeed be helpful for young men to learn the consequences of their actions, but not this glorified pity party.
4
Men have been accused of either not thinking about the victim's experience, but honestly, how could they? They are not socialized as nor subject to the same repercussions as women. Any attempt to put themselves in the girl's place would be completely guesswork and likely wrong. Up until now, I've not thought much about men's memories, guilt, regret or processing of their transgressions, beyond observing the humiliating, criminal and childish distortions of public figures seeking to sidestep responsibility and/or punishment. I found this article very thought and empathy provoking, toward men.
Good for those nasty old farts of my generation (or even my parents gen) for stepping out in front. For the young ones - even better, you have time to reform. You go, guys!
Presumably this column will be followed by one with women listing the times they have manipulated, tortured and/or guilted men into doing things. I don't know why we have columns like this, but presumably we are going to be fair about them.
3
Dear Kaushik,
If manipulation, torture and guilt functioned as well to get men to do things as well they do to women, we'd all have much cleaner homes and happier families. Sadly, they don't. A little known side effect of testosterone, no doubt.
1
Terry, I doubt Diane has been haunted by this. She didn't say anything because she knew instinctively you would not hit her or kick her out of the car for not kissing you back. She didn't say anything because the two people you were on a date with were in the front seat and she was socialized to not spoil fun. Such an experience is not rare for women nor is it memorable. I want the tables turned again. Hearing men just reminds me of how little they have ever had to think about what women experience, to practice social empathy, to live with the constant background buzz of being hit, harassed, ostracized, or excluded. Physical danger is real for us, but it is the micro-transgressions that we deal with constantly. Not the regret of going out with a boy who likes us more than we do him but not having the agency to tell him to stop kissing us. When Diane got older and went out with a boy who wanted to kiss her more than she wanted to kiss back, she could tell him so, but then ran the risk of being rejected herself, of being told she wasn't even pretty or what he wanted, of being told she should be lucky he talked to her at all. Without belittling the effect of actual physical assault, it is those little diminutions that hurt us, chipping at our self-esteem, and staying with us as long as your memory of being on a date with a girl who just didn't feel like returning your smooches. Thank you for not raping or hitting her, but that is a low bar.
1
When did the NY Times stop being a newspaper and become a confessional? A pulpit for new morality? I've seen this coming for some time, unfortunately. The typical Times reader is not a member of a traditional church where morality has historically been dealt with. So there's a need for a venue through which to spread this new secular morality and dogma. And I get that, but that place is not the NY Times. Maybe it's through the Humanist societies or some other secular equivalent of a church, but not NEWSpapers. This is a place for facts, not judgement about proper behavior.
2
I have a suggestion for the men out there (and a few of the women might consider this, too). Here it is: follow example these confessionals privately and write down the times in high school and/or college when, in your own opinion, you "went too far" in trying to coax or aggressively take advantage of someone else, male or female. Write it down and keep it as private as needs be and then consider writing or, if that would seem appropriate, calling and apologizing to the person you now understand you might have harmed in some degree.
If I could impart one message to younger men and boys, it is this: if you are a decent, thoughtful person, you will remember all of your life those you coerced or harmed. So, don't do it. It is not something you can make up for by an apology, no matter how sincere and remorseful.
Boys know what they want because their bodies tell them they must. Girls are less certain and often reluctant to transition to adulthood. There is still the lingering belief that a girl is damaged when she engages in sexual relations whereas boys become men by this means. Each generation discovers sex for itself and there is no training adequate to deal with one of the biggest changes in life that anyone ever faces. Yes, but how about decency? How about respect? Some learn it and some do not. Fathers need to take a more active role in the difficult task of explaining limits and making sons who can make the difficult passage with respect for all they encounter.
9
Doug,
I appreciate most of your remarks, BUT - I'm pretty sure most of us do not want to hear from the men who think they assaulted us - I know I don't! Also, not so fast on the "biology is destiny" line, please.
Sixteen year old girls can and do and have enjoyed sexual activity if it's done without fear of pregnancy or coercion, I can assure you. The one thing that puts young girls in the position of being the de facto arbiter of sexual behavior is the absolute terror of becoming pregnant. In my teenage era, there was plenty of back seat sex going on without "going all the way." Once armed with a reliable means of preventing pregnancy, girls still have to worry about STD's, which in my experience most men are quite happy to ignore in favor of their own convenience and pleasure. Given all this responsibility, is it any wonder that young girls were confused and fearful and conflicted as heck about sexual matters? As adults, we still lack the vocabulary, the experience and the validation of lusty behavior16 year old boys of our era enjoyed. Many of us females have remained that way for most of our lives. And thus readily cowed, we became prey.
I hope today's young women feel much more empowered to take control than we did, pre-pill, pre #MeToo, pre Kavanaugh. Now, we see things a little more clearly. And hope boys and men do, too. Women and girls need to step out of the passive role - it's not only very dangerous territory; it's not that much fun!
1
I can't read these. I started to. Wow, PTSD I didn't know I had. Honestly, a planet with one male with halfway decent DNA and the rest all women is beginning to look really appealing. I have a husband, son, father, and can't imagine them doing these things that these "ordinary" men did. I have long thought "not all men," actually "very few men," but wow, maybe all men only some of the time. What are you guys, a different species? Why do we interbreed with you? Ugh.
6
I understand the Times' reluctance to print the accounts of men who prefer to remain anonymous. However, the behaviors described here, awful though they were, pale in comparison to more violent acts of sexual aggression. I'd like to hear the stories of men who acted worse than those whose stories appear here.
I can understand younger men who still active in the working world declining to publish their own names. But I don't see why the Times couldn't publish their stories - - after verifying their identity - - with their names. We would get much more powerful stories.
11
Can these truly be meaningful "confessions" when, as written in this article, they have nothing to lose because they are near retirement, etc? There are still no consequences for them (at least as far as I can tell). I can't help but eye roll with disgust.
3
In our culture it is us guys who seem most intent on having a sexual experience in our early dating years. We want to know what it feels like. We want to tell our friends we did it. We want to feel like men!
Primary in our plans, in our attempts, is having sex, we do not look at the any longterm outcome and care little or nothing about what impacts this sexual experience may have on the other, usually a young woman, but for some, another guy.
These early sexual exploits are closer to a sociopath's assault except the level of violence may be lower, but force is still often part of the strategy. This is not love, or caring, or the natural coming together of two like-minded people.
The 80'something year old man who still is troubled by what he did is proof that the harm we men do is not a one-way street. While we agress and harm others, we also harm ourselves. Many live in denial and suppression of the awful damage we do to others, while others have shame that does not end or become erased from even their octogenarian emotional lives.
I do not speak in the abstract or without personal culpability.
And just a few, a tiny minority, the vast numbers of people that we harmed now share their stories and demand something from those that assaulted them or that society respond to their cries from justice.
4
Men want sex more than women. If men can't get sex from women, they will get sex from other men. Be careful what you wish for. A world in which men don't pressure women into sex (fear of infidelity, etc) will look different. The only times I've had as much sex as I've anted (which is a lot) has been when I have had multiple hook-ups over a week, at the start of a new LTR, after a fight/getting back together. Women might say men should just curb their sexual appetite, but most men already DO. I know guys who'd like to have sex twice a day like clockwork. Most guys I know who don't want much sex tend to drink a lot.
The history of rock and motown lyrics is basically "baby, please, baby." That's pretty much all Al Green says in his songs.
1
You might consider that your inclinations read more like a sex addiction than "normal" male tendencies. Most guys may not be as you think they are.
4
I do wish for a world in which men don't pressure women into sex. If they want to have sex with other men as a result, so be it. Good grief.
6
The world would be a much safer and better place with more gay men and eunuch heterosexual males. Seriously, richguy, there's not one corner of the plant anywhere that girls and women are safe and left alone to go about their lives as they see fit. Do you even know any females who talk honestly with you, who'll tell you they live daily with a lifetime of internalized fear of males?
3
You realize that you've just outed a whole lot of women who were the unwilling participants in these scenarios. Did you obtain their consent to tell their stories? Some, especially in the more recent situations, would be identifiable to people who knew the guys in question.
13
Clumsiness, confusion, and just trying to act cool are far more common and have probably led to far more hurt than actual malice. In that respect, my fellow commenters who deride these men are missing the mark. It's not, I gather, that they seek absolution from the readers, it's that they want to help young people avoid repeating their mistakes. Many people really didn't know how to behave back then. Not everyone had the benefit of good role models, and many were left to piece together bits and pieces from the deeply mixed messages of pop culture.
Personally, I think educating the next generation to help them avoid mistakes like these is a step forward.
2
"I played on our emotional entanglement until she did." This is something that more than a few men tried with me when I was in college. They couldn't take no for an answer whether it was for sex, a kiss, or a feel. The usual excuse was that they took me out for dinner or a movie and paid for it, overlooking the fact that I had said I'd pay. To me it felt like they were trying to own me. Once I refused repeatedly (because to them no wasn't no, it was more like a come on) they'd try to shame me. "If you're a real woman you'd let me..." I am a real woman and I'm not going to let you...
It never changes either. It went on at work under the guise of being a nice colleague or a mentor. "I helped you with this, now you can do that for me", the that usually being something sexual. It wasn't reported back then and even now it's not reported. We don't want to lose our jobs, get a reputation for being difficult, or just be harassed because we spoke up for ourselves. The message is still the same as it was over 30 years ago: be submissive, you really want this, and if you complain you lose.
Some of us lost in more ways than one. I came from an abusive family. I was molested as a teen by the family doctor. I learned at an early age that the people who are supposed to care often don't. I learned that trusting isn't worth it. I also learned quite well that women in the workplace are not valued for what they can do but who they can please.
7
Out of curiosity, I recently made a list of my experiences in which men behaved in a sexually inappropriate way when I was ages 18 to 31. Thirteen, ranging from banal to extremely threatening, still stand out in my memory, over 30 years later.
Sexual harassment and assault of women is rampant and systemic in our culture. Young women learn from bitter experiences like mine that the world is unsafe and unfair.
The men featured here deserve compassion only if their sense of guilt has caused them to consistently and forcefully speak out whenever other males are inappropriate - in word or deed - towards women and girls.
5
This drudged up some sad and vivid memories of being sexually harassed as a teenager for me as well. Just the other day, I turned up the volume on my headphones so I could escape having to hear the catcalls of a few construction workers on my way home.
3
What stands out most disturbingly to me is that in every single "testimony," there is no mention of consequences, which tells me that not very much has changed. It's interesting, but not surprising, to see these confessions set against the backdrop of history, and yet the same sad scent hangs over them all: Boys will be boys, and there are no consequences for such inhuman behavior, while it is likely that the young and mostly nameless women have suffered the consequences of these men's actions and inactions for decades upon decades of their lives.
How sad that the Times had to collect these anecdotes from those nearing the end of their working lives (again, no consequences to be feared for those sad, regretful 80somethings!) while those men who have much to lose are still able to prevail in their silence, afraid of what women like me (raped at 17, now age 48) might actually corroborate.
10
Men who are aware of betraying their principles while they are molesting a girl or a woman (or any person) needn't later feel as though they've let themselves down since by their actions they've forever proven themselves to be beneath all contempt.
4
Growing up, my Dad was really open with me about sex and expectations, types of sex, etc. Not in a sitcom-style: "Don't let them pressure you, honey," way, but in a more brazen, "Some guys may ask you to give them oral sex or even try to just push your head down instead of asking, but you don't have to do it if you don't want to because that's a very intimate thing that may take you more time to feel comfortable with than them, and you don't ever have to do it no matter how long you've been with them," way. I think this frankness and that fact that it was coming from my Dad rather than my Mom (no offense Moms), made me feel more comfortable in the future deciding and recognizing when I did and didn't feel, well...comfortable. Obviously this doesn't apply to situations of rape and it's just my own personal experience. But most of these stories sound very familiar to me because I've been in these situations--the difference is the ending. I think my Dad had something to do with that.
21
of course, you don't have to do it. but, if you don't, the guy will probably dump you or not date you. it's mostly like a business negotiation.
1
If they dump a woman or decide not to date her because she refuses, it's hardly her loss. It may be a business transaction to you; to a woman being pressured, it feels a lot different.
4
One thing that struck me from a few of these stories, and was possibly even evident in the Kavanaugh hearings, is that many of the men who harass women (not rape) think they are being funny, that it's a joke. It brings to mind the way that men joke with each other, which often has an undercurrent of cruelty or sexual mocking to it as well. Often guys claim that this sort of "kidding" is meant to see if the other guy "can take it." This is especially the case in macho environments like the military or police. I wonder if part of the problem is that men have a very different sense of what is funny than women do, and part of how we need to start is to train them not only to be more considerate of women, but to be more considerate of each other.
6
Men joking with each other can be part of establishing a dominance hierarchy without having to resort to violence. It is common among animals living in social groups to create a ranking system when members compete for access to limited resources and mating opportunities. Now I can already hear the criticism already that "humans are not animals". Well, Homo sapiens has spent tens of thousands of years before develop what we call civilized society.
I personally know two men who were initiated into sex at an inappropriate age by older women, friends of their mothers. We were sixteen at the time and it was son confusing and ultimately devastating to these boys. I also know two men who were victims of incest by their older sisters; both men worked hard to recover from this abuse but acknowledged being permanently altered as a result. When we talk about sexual abuse as something that can never be forgiven, I think about the women who committed these offenses and how they must be feeling now. Who initiated games of "doctor" as a child, and what did that do to your playmates?
2
As someone who felt pressured and coerced as a young woman, I can say that nothing can completely undo the anxiety and trauma of emotional and sexual discomfort. A sincere apology helped me feel more myself, and allowed me to move past these experiences. No matter how much time has passed, everyone can find value in an honest acknowledgement of wrong doing, even if it happened 50 years ago.
I had an incident in junior high that I am not too proud of. It came in the form of public verbal humiliation of a female classmate. That was 24 years ago. She might have forgotten about it, and I hope she has and is leading an exemplary life, but it dwells in my mind. I was a stellar student, so I went unpunished; I should have been suspended, or worse. My parents gave me a stern talking to; I should have been grounded, or worse.
I have a son now, and though he's not even two yet, I am already trying to figure out how to impart my experiences to him so that he won't make the same mistakes. I have a daughter too, and she's a large reason why.
3
The reason why ought be the young female classmate you wronged and to whom you never even bothered apologizing. Why do males seem to only develop 20/20 humanity if they have a daughter, and even then only a small fraction of the male population?
5
Confession is fine. Apologizing for misbehavior is always the right thing to do. "I'm sorry" never hurts. However, these actions do not wipe the slate clean. Being contrite or reborn doesn't absolve one from the deeds. Often it merely makes the perpetrator feel better about themselves. The hurt, fear, shame, or even guilt remains for the victim. 'Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear a word you say'. In true confessions the confessor must carry the pain as much as the victim. If they don't, they are no better than the deceitful deniers we've seen so much of in recent times. You just can't slip off the hook that easily.
8
I have no pity for any of them. The man who invited me for dinner at his apartment, drugged my drink, and raped me in 1983 could sob his heart out in regret, and I would feel nothing but rage. I can still picture the vile leer he made at me just a few weeks later when I was out for dinner with my parents and he spied me across the restaurant. He is only the worst of many, many men who have violated my space, privacy, dignity, mind, and/or body in my very long life. Their acts and much worse have been the way of men everywhere since the dawn of time. These public "confessions" are weak. Let's see these men finish up their sniveling and go to work in a rape crisis center, an organization that fights sex trafficking, or any cause liberating and empowering women.
301
Bravo! Well said. As a domestic violence survivor, I heartily agree. Enough with the excuses, shallow apologies, and forgiveness of evil acts with lifelong consequences. It's a wonder all women are not lesbian judging from how for centuries through modern times they have been violated, degraded, beaten, terrorized, disrespected, devalued, invalidated and murdered by men. Time for men to step up with their adult pants on and own this chronic unnecessary human tragedy resulting from conscious male decisions to violate women throughout history.
1
Rape is the way of rapists, not the way of men.
I can understand why your opinion of men in general is tainted by your horrible experience. But, it does not define all men. There are more good men than bad. More men will not rape women than will rape them. Most men would like to murder a known rapist for his crime and probably would do it if there wasn't a good chance they'd go to prison forever for it.
I hope one day you come to see the truth -- that rapists don't represent Men in general.
2
It all seemed like a game.
We shared our stories.
Sometimes the girls seemed to like, even encourage, us.
Most times they pushed us away. Our advances were expected.
That seemed to be the way the way of the world at the time.
It's not easy growing up, but hopefully
the boundaries are now more clear.
In the internet world, I have my doubts.
1
I don't think that we've come very far. Boys will be boys and girls should be virgins is still the unofficial belief system of a lot of families.The thing that makes me maddest is this idea that raging hormones make any person of any age unable to control themselves sexually. It is no excuse for irresponsible behavior of teenagers or of older people going through a "mid-life crisis." The notion of asking for and determining consent early and often, even if it seems awkward, even when drinking or at a frat party or working with a subordinate or on a business trip or working late with a colleague must become normal. We must recognize how religious beliefs, especially about premarital sex and purity and LGBTQ people, can contribute to teenagers and adults not being prepared to handle sexual desire or confusing sexual desire with mature love.
3
Unquestionably, men have and do behave badly toward women. More than badly. However, domestic violence is male upon female about 89% of the time. The rest is female violence upon male, and even male upon male. This is uncommon, obviously, and does not diminish or excuse the horrors that countless men have inflicted upon women. But there are other events that must also be covered, and uncovered. The truth is that violence of any type is inexcusable.
2
Why is it that every single time there is an article or opinion piece about male violence toward women, there is a mostly male chorus of put-out voices that immediately start piping up about how men are abused as well. Nobody is saying that men aren't abused; it's simply not the focus of this particular article.
The article is an Opinion piece about men who regret their past abuse of women. It is not meant to be all-encompassing about all aspects of abuse. If that is what you want, then find another article to read or write your own.
4
I see it as part of the entitlement problem. Far too many guys can't cope if everything isn't all about them.
1
If this piece or others mentioned the topic of female upon male violence, then I would not have pointed it out. It didn't, so I did. The fact is that abuse is inexcusable in any circumstance, but all forms should be discussed.
I'm horrified to think that my young daughter will undoubtedly experience some of these things; I certainly did. This kind of piece will not change anything. It won't help those who were victimized already. It won't stop someone from doing it again. These accounts disgust me.
5
You should probably realize these are a serious minority of cases. Most men treat women well and would never abuse a woman. Or you can follow the narrative and cast shade over all men because of these random stories that meet a narrative of women's victimization.
2
Violence against women (sexual and otherwise) is actually extremely widespread around the world. These are not isolated incidents. If "most men treat women well", why is the violence women suffer (in every country, in every culture) so prevalent?
2
what a ridiculous article - I'm a man who has had many, relationships, passionate, intimate and otherwise with strong women...I have NEVER abused those relationships nor regretted my treatment of ANYONE - male, female or non-human. I respect life. In fact I'VE been abused, but I'm not whining about it. Although there may be LESS men like me than not, there are still tremendous numbers of us.
And this in no way diminishes the compassion and empathy I have for the legion of women who have been enslaved and abused by men.
I'm sickened by the politicization of male/female relationships, and the disingenuous #metoo obsession with forcing that binary and basic human relationship into "victim " and "oppressor" roles, like all identity politics does - and as well, relentlessly trying to create a false moral equivalence in an obsessed bid to try and damage the current President...
It forever cheapens any ACTUAL sexual abuse, predation and harassment suffered by those that have.
7
Well, good for you!
We're having a conversation in this country at the moment. Things are not "all good" as your comment seems to suggest. Empathy is clearly not your strong suit.
Oh, and you see this as an obsessed bid to damage the current president? I revise my estimate, you are not only lacking empathy, you're actually nuts.
3
Typical group think - why not speak for yourself rather than the Alinsky-esque "we"? I could respect that infinitely more. Naturally you felt the need to toss in a typical progressive/liberal type personal attack...when in doubt, hurl insults. Yes - I see #metoo in it's POLITICAL agenda as a thinly veiled attempt to create a FAKE moral equivalence with which to attack Donald Trump...in fact I see that agenda as being the primary driver of EVERYTHING the elite political left, and sadly their political followers, do. currently - from the moment they awaken in the morning until their heads hit the pillow at night.
Of course this has zero connection to the legion of women and others who have ACTUALLY suffered foul abuse. In fact it diminishes and damages their cause. Just as the current POLITICAL liberal tactic of hurling the "racist" insult preemptively at anyone who might simply disagree with you, has rendered that word meaningless and severely damaged the the prospects for true victims of racial violence.
1
Curious why there were no stories where the genders were reversed. Most guys, when young, are kissed or groped a bit when they would rather not be. Most, like myself and the women in these stories, didn't say anything, just sat there awkwardly, frozen, not wanting to hurt feelings or look foolish.
Will the Times share those stories as well, so we can all learn from each other? This is pretty one-sided.
2
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa what about the meeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnn?
Yeah we've chosen to emphasize male violence against women because it's a far more widespread problem. The violence is largely, but not entirely, one sided. Power differentials have always weighed in favor of men. A 5th grade girl kissing a 5th grade boy on the cheek isn't really the same as date rape, but okay. This isn't complex.
3
Thanks for the concern. You should be president.
Few of the stories above involved physical violence either. Force/violence can also be social (especially now with social media) emotional or all of the above. There is plenty of that to go around and I was curious why the Times seems not to care.
Sexual assault is violence. NYT didn't publish the very violent ones because they were anonymous. Nothing in your comment disproves what I said.
1
No guilt here.
4
I will never understand why men/boys can enjoy sexual behaviors when the woman/girl shows no interest. Is this sadism?
4
Yes. And that is the foundation of misogyny, much of that poison inculcated in males from birth and in society by religions.
Look how widespread it is in the U.S., then multiply it x 3.4 billion to get an idea how awful the world is for the half that's female.
Raise better sons or do not breed them.
5
Very heartfelt and brave. I believe every one of their stories. The fact that these incidents stayed with them, some of them even into their '80s, shows growth. remorse and maturity. Thank you for coming forward.
1
The reality is that men murder more often than women. Some men are predators. I am almost 70 years old and have memories of being assaulted twice and stalked once. All three men wanted to seriously harm or kill me. These cases today reflect men who crossed some kind of line and then retreated. They grew as human beings when they contemplated their actions. That is good. What is bad is that other men just become more experienced, slicker and figure out how to take more actions against women. They do this because they like doing it. It is sick.
17
Our genes don’t care if we’re nice enough to reproduce so psychopaths and sadists get to pass on their genes. Unless society prevents that.
1
These are the ones that they were willing to put their names to - the ones where they stopped before it got as horrible as it could have. I get not wanting to publish anonymous - but publishing letters anonymously when you have the names would be something worthwhile.
3
I have nothing but contempt for humans of either sex or any gender, of any age or ethnicity, who act in packs.
True, the most dangerous of all humans can be the sole operative, a serial killer like Ted Bundy. But serial killers are very rare: 'The FBI estimates that there are between twenty-five and fifty serial killers operating throughout the U.S. at any given time.' https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/5-myths-about-serial-killers-...
I spent my entire boyhood fighting against the pack mentality. I've carried on into adulthood. It's not about respect for the other. It's about respect for oneself.
Thank your for publishing these. They are instructive. I appreciate too that you would not publish them anonymously. Now, can you please solicit stories from women who realize that they took egregious unfair advantage of men economically and publish some of those with the women's names? Thanks.
3
If only Brett Kavanaugh could have shown such insight and genuine remorse.
12
What strikes me, is that in most of these stories, and the stories we hear about sexual pursuits all the time, is that old fashioned romantic attraction, friendship, gentle explorations, are absent. It is all about sex. Immediately. All too often clouded by alcohol. I long for the good old days when I grew up in the Netherlands, where there were so many shades (no, not 50) of attraction, mixed with genuinely liking each other. American teenage culture is rude and immature.
7
I have a son and a daughter, and I've done everything I can to help my son understand what's okay and what's not. I think the fact he's fiercely protective of his sister has helped inform his sense of boundaries.
But I think back to when I was young and the mixed messages that were so pervasive in popular culture. I never really knew what to do. I mean, I clearly knew assault and rape were abhorrent, and never a part of being a man. The part that was trickier was what seems to be contained in these stories. Figuring out if there's attraction, what kind of attraction, what was wanted, what was unwelcome (before the fact). What to do with the raging urges that at times seemed overpowering.
Ultimately, I erred on the side of not doing things. Not kissing. Not reaching for a hand, never mind anything more. I was terrified to kiss a girl at the end of a date even if I thought it would be welcome. I would never have been able to stammer out the words, "Is it okay if I kiss you?" At times it made me feel 'cowardly', as though I didn't know how to woo, persuade, cajole—to be a "man." There was, perversely, a sense of attendant shame.
Adult men...completely different story. If you don't know better, there's something wrong with you.
The conversation happening now is illuminating, and makes me grateful that "cowardice" was in fact conscience, whether I knew it as such or not.
35
On the other hand, the terror of not doing things has its own cost. You could have missed out on the love of your life that way. As they say, the Gods favor the bold.
1
Good sir,
It seems you simply lacked a strong sense for reading body language when you were younger.
I can appreciate that you were afraid to take the leap and kiss a girl -- it's a very scary thing because more likely than not a boy will hit a wall of crippling rejection.
But to revise your motivation, many years after the fact, and replace what likely was simply fear with a courageous and praiseworthy conscience... well. I know boys and I think perhaps you're giving yourself a bit too much credit here.
I'm glad you didn't assault someone though, that's great.
" . . . grateful that "cowardice" was in fact conscience . . . "?
An admirable effort, but I am disappointed that the majority of stories are from so long ago, perpetrated by men now likely in their 70s (even 80s) with little to lose. As a survivor of sexual assault that took place in the early 2000s, I was hopeful to see more stories from contemporaries of my abusers: men now in their mid-late 30s, entering the prime of their careers, with families and young daughters of their own. Sad to think that the majority of those named were only willing to do so because they have already lived full lives free of consequence for these particular acts, and are now willing to come forward before it is too late for them to absolve themselves. Even more disappointing that I'm not one bit surprised.
22
The article says "these are the men who were willing to come forward, and use their real names, dates, etc."
I am sure it is mostly old guys, because the passage of time has made it safer to come forward. Heck, many of the people named may well be DEAD by now.
These men really should be apologizing directly to the women they wronged, no matter how many years ago.
6
These confessions are a useful, if small, start. The sample is biased because the people who did the most egregious things would be less willing to admit it (remember the article in which men realized non-consensual sex was rape but didn't apply that name to their own non-consensual sex? Ugh. ), and the NYT omitted some stories because the writers wanted to remain anonymous.
What to do? To the men, I would say, make your best effort to apologize to the women you hurt. Live with their response, whatever it is. And use the energy in your guilt to effect some change: mentor young men, continue to speak out about your regrets, etc.
Mothers and fathers: boys need to be taught early to respect women and not use superior physical strength to coerce them. All those "Don't hit your sister!" messages have a point, even if they drive boys crazy.
NYT: More of these stories, especially about sexual harrassment at work.
Finally, not quite on topic: I recently saw Oklahoma! and An American in Paris, both of which I had seen before. Midway through each I became horrified as I realized that the plots revolved around women refusing men over and over and the men persevering to the conclusion, when the heroine admits she loves the guy. Ack! Our cultural messages so reinforce this behavior!
9
Try watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, with modern eyes. They even sing about (and even dance to it) the story of the Rape of the Sabine Women (“And the women were sobbin’, sobbin’, sobbin”...). Good times.
1
There are thousands of examples of this; I wonder if anybody ever tried to compile them?
The one from my youth that sticks out is the scene in Gone WIth The Wind (book or film) where Rhett Butler sweeps a very angry Scarlett O'Hara up and carries her upstairs -- while she screams and hits him! -- and then rapes her. They are married, but it is clearly forced sex against her will and without her consent.
She is then portrayed the next morning as delightedly happy and sexually gratified by the experience (suggesting that all their previous marital sex had been wimpy and gentle).
This scene is -- oddly enough -- very popular with ... WOMEN! My mom, who was a teen when the book came out, said the copy in her school library FELL OPEN to this scene ... that's how often girls turned to it.
If you talk to women about their sexual fantasies...they often feature rape, or pseudo rapes, or coerced sex. I know fantasies are not real life, and I am not saying "therefore women actually wanted to be raped in real life".
I AM saying that sex is complicated, and it's not as simple as "men bad...women good".
1
I'm just relieved to see men owning their behavior and discussing what they did wrong and how they'd do things differently. This is how we learn and why so many women were willing to bare their worst experiences in the hope that things would change. Take note, Louis CK.
5
I guess I'm expected to feel some sort of gratitude or comfort that these few men were willing to come forward and speak about these incidents - to discuss their shame or discomfort about their past actions in a time when many more men lack the courage to own up to what they did, or even take the time to consider another's point of view and feelings... But honestly, I'm so sick of men getting the opportunity to even ask for forgiveness. How do we still live in a world where an act of sexual harassment, in whatever extreme or minute fashion it presents itself, is forgivable?! It is disgusting, repulsive, and inhumane that these, or any, men, even for a second, thought it was acceptable to act the way they did. I don't care how old you are, or how sorry you end up being. There are rudimentary & fundamental ways in which you treat any other human being - and the honest truth is that men think they're an exception to those rules.
12
So what's your proposed solution? Summary executions for every man who responded to the Times' query with a story about something they regretted doing in their past?
Nobody is asking you to feel grateful to these men for sharing their stories. I suspect this article is not even directed at you, difficult as that might be for you to believe. I suspect it is directed at other men, in an effort to make them examine their own pasts and actions in a way that they haven't before, and perhaps come to understand the greater implications of their actions in a way that they didn't before.
With a stance like the one you've professed here, is there any wonder that only older men with less to lose were willing to put their names to their words and stories? Sexual assault is a serious issue in our society, and one that must be addressed with the utmost seriousness. How can we do that, if men who actually have committed acts of sexual misconduct are told that examining their actions and trying to grow is a pointless endeavor? What is the point of trying to become a better person, if you are told that redemption is impossible no matter what you do?
16
As a boy, I understood which boys saw girls as sex objects and which boys saw girls as people and potential friends. Generally, the boys who saw the girls as sex objects had high social capital. Other boys wanted to be them and girls wanted attention from them. But because they had power many abused it, bullying other boys and being sexually aggressive with girls. Somehow, despite being entitled jerks, those boys kept their social capital. Other boys still wanted to be them, and girls still wanted attention from them.
Brett Kavanaugh was such a boy, by all accounts (except his sworn testimony). Republicans passed up a big opportunity to show boys that abuse can destroy their social capital too. Probably because they're invested in the social status quo.
47
Right you are about that! In my HS (circa 1968-70) two of the trophy-winning basketball team's starting lineup managed to get their teenaged girlfriends pregnant. Meanwhile, their coach was busy expelling girls whose skirts were deemed too short. One might imagine his efforts might have been better directed to teaching the boys to keep their zippers up. The girls paid the price - shamed, dropping out of school and ultimately giving up their babies. But the boys played on, forgiven, admired, winners of the state championship.
1
Yesterday I was listening to 80s music on the radio. In retrospect, there are a lot of songs (and movies) that now seem so inappropriate and gross. For example, they were playing the song "Girl You'll be a Woman Soon" (it was in Tarantino's movie Pulp Fiction as well) -- I could barely listen to it now -- about a man trying to seduce an underage girl, and also convince her she now "needed" a man. Ugh! Yet back then I didn't give it much thought.
The entire cultural milieu has gradually changed, for the better, and I think there is better awareness now of women's rights and place in society.
12
That Neil Diamond song is from the 1960s - an even worse time to be female.
2
The French psychoanalyst Clotaire Rapaille's book "The Culture Code" explored America's hidden cultural ideas surrounding various subjects. What he found is that in the U.S., the topic of sex is synonymous with violence and shame. It is in our cultural DNA. That is why so much of our sexual slang terminology involves violent words, and probably why we allow terrible violence but no sex in our media. Even when the #MeToo movement loses steam, we will have a lot of problems to deal with on this subject.
2
Max, she remembers. I'd be shcoked if she doens't. She is not in a place where she can admit it. Don't take it as a free pass.
4
Disturbing behaviors described as "power", "target", "conquering her".
6
While these accounts are an important start to another conversation, unfortunately, there is contemporary behavior that is absent in the printed accounts of these older men. i urge the NYT to verify the authorship but print anonymous accounts; the discussion will remain shallow without the contributions of younger men.
48
Discuss with your daughters. Empower them. Support them.
2
So finally the NYT is interested hearing from men: how they too have suffered from manipulation, and harassment, and physical violence. Not. Men need not add to the discussion unless it is with a mea culpa.
In my life I've encountered just as many women as men or who manipulative, or greedy, or perpetually angry, or mean-spirited. Is the NYT next going to solicit confessions from women who have treated others badly. I'm not going to hold my breath.
4
How many men do you know who've been assaulted and raped by a young girl or woman?
Question to Lee Montgomery:
Do you believe now that someone who was capable of behaving as you did when you were a teenager deserves to sit in judgment of others, on our nation's highest court?
I applaud you, and everyone who wrote in, whether anonymously or not, for at least engaging in some profound soul-searching. You have been brave. Many of you have been completely candid. You have gained insight into what how awful it is to be at the mercy of someone else's worst impulses.
Thank you, NYT, for this valuable exercise.
America has a dirty little secret: many of us are quite awful to our young people, especially to young females. It is time to stop vilifying those who come forward for "joining the 'victimization' team" (or words to that effect, shamelessly put forth by ND candidate Cramer) and to face the true facts of the matter. Too many Americans do not see the humanity in those around them. Too many Americans feel entitled to take advantage of someone else, because they have been fed a steady diet of "might makes right" from infancy, even in their US History classes in school.
No. Treat all other people with respect. Practice the Golden Rule: do *not* do to others what you would *not* want done to yourself, or your own child, or your dearest friend.
Not everyone is interested in having sex with you, or even at all. Respect that.
11
These aren't 'men' they are boys or young men at best. Who did silly things in their youth. Additionally most of the stories are from may years ago and show little in the way of someone who learned from it one way or the other. If the intent was to have grown, adult who had behaved improperly towards a woman at some point and the lessons they learned or the impact their lives it had. From the readers vantage point this story is a 'swing and a miss'.
2
It's a little more serious than "doing something silly in your youth." Most of them were well aware that what they were doing was wrong, but they did it out of social anxiety, or an attempt to "prove themselves men" or some other reason. Just because they had reasons doesn't make what they did OK. But talking about it is still important, because that is the only way we as people can grow and become better than we are.
2
I am grateful to these men for coming forward publicly. Until men hear these things from each other there will be no change. It's disappointing that a number of them have not been able to carry through with apologies - guys, it's never too late to let the woman know about your shame and regret. Heartfelt communication is the only way through.
5
I graduated high school in 1999. I knew many girls who were pressured by boys to perform sex acts the girls had no interest in, and many more who simply felt a generalized social "obligation" to engage in them if they wanted to be seen as attractive. The anecdotes I could recite from this period of time are, in retrospect, quite disturbing. Physical and emotional intimacy rarely intersected. I don't believe any of that behavior constitutes sexual assault. But, I do believe that the social dynamic is dysfunctional when boys press girls as hard as they can (short of assault), and girls go along with it, despite disliking it. A "hook up" culture centered around, and for the purpose of, boys' sexual pleasure cannot foster healthy, respectful, or equal relationships.
I was without the understanding or vocabulary to name or articulate these criticisms when I was in high school. So, instead, I carried with me a nameless, undefined, and general (but marked) feeling of uneasiness about both dating and boys. That uneasiness out-lasted high school, but, thankfully, did not linger for many more years.
The 1995 movie Clueless came out right before my freshman year, and the main character, defending her virginity, told her friends, "You see how picky I am about my shoes, and those only go on my feet." What a prescient and, frankly, counter-culture line at a time when society urged such a profound dissociation between body and emotions!
249
High school has always been considered hell by most when they look back on it. It is a strange time when young people who literally do not know what they are doing are forced to be together in school and to make a culture around their generation. They always get it wrong yet they always end up teaching us something new and forming the foundations of the future. Everyone wishes they could go back and do it better next time.
Clueless was written by a woman, and based on a famous novel written by a woman. My daughter adored that film, and honestly despite her vanity and cluelesness I always felt that Cher (the main character, based on Emma by Jane Austen) was an excellent role model for a young girl, for exactly the attitude of self possession that you mention.
1
To me, these experiences are sad because one or both participants did not want to participate but was coerced. All of these boys or young men had strong sexual urges and no socially acceptable way to act upon them, understand them, or realize where they fit into their overall emotional, intellectual, and sexual development as men. As borne out by their memories, they were as tortured by their other challenges of becoming adults as well as by sex. Sex is always complicated, I don't care how much it's commercialized. Self-confidence and success in other walks of life is as important as sex, a great power indicator in humans as in animals. A man's attitude about and comfort with sex says a lot about his character and success as a man. Girls also experience strong sexual urges and nowadays many act upon them. I'm not sure they are better off than clumsy groping in the back seat in the past. Humans are becoming sexually mature at increasingly younger ages yet are getting married at increasingly older ages in order to have the education, skills, and maturity to earn a living and form a famliy. We don't have accepted norms about how to ask, privacy, and abirth control. People should never push others against their will to have sex. But how do they learn joy in sex - how to honor and respect their sexual partners, how to be safe, how to talk about it to obtain consent, how to talk about it afterward?
4
These stories, all of them, have made me cry. A victim myself of various kinds of abuse and assault, I have, since the Kavanaugh hearings, been revisiting my past and have even contacted one man, who had already apologized years ago. I think what matters, years later, is owning up to your bad behavior. I doubt that I could ever forgive someone who wouldn't admit to such violating actions. Doing something cruel just because you can? Among other things, I blame bad parenting.
5
Society doesnt provide the right role models for men to adjust to their own sexual feelings. Yes, men are expected to be the aggressor but nothing teaches us when to stop or how not to use force.
3
No, men are not expected to be the aggressor. Ever. In anything, at anytime - other than sad male adventures in sports and war.
Using one's power to force sex on someone else is the action of a predator who is a criminal and should be weeded out of society. However, adolescent behavior is complicated and the same today as when I was young.
Teenage boys are experiencing a triple threat:
1. A sudden spike in testosterone - sex drive the highest it will be in their lifetime.
2. The first experimentations with alcohol - which increases aggression and effects judgment.
3. An only partially developed pre-frontal cortex.
4. And the everpresent very potent often illogical peer pressure
The answer today is the same as when I was young. Girls have to be the ones to take responsibility. The victimization narrative I am hearing can be counter-productive because it ignores the female's very important biological responsibility which is to select whose genes will be passed on. Girls should be educated about this very important responsibility/power they possess and be instructed to always take control of the situation. That message of empowerment should be strongly reinforced and the message of victimization should be replaced by that of taking responsibility and control.
The new modern sensibilities sound promising, but will not overcome biology. As with so many aspects of a better society, women empowerment is the key.
2
So it's all on girls, because boys are weak minded fools who will have sex with any girl who lets them, and never mind boys "very important biological responsibility" "to select whose genes will be passed on"?
I don't think this is a good message for boys.
7
With all due respect, that's absolutely ridiculous. What happened to personal responsibility? Boys are just a raging sack of hormones and under-developed brain cells, so they can't be held accountable for their actions, or expected to exhibit any self control whatsoever?
Don't you, as a man, find that idea insulting? The implication that you are nothing more than an animal lacking the higher brain function to actually know what you're doing and experience the consequences of it?
8
My father, my brother and my husband went through 1-4 above, and none of them ever sexually assaulted a woman. Stop using "biology" to excuse violent behavior. Sexual assault and rape are not about sexuality; they are about violence. Most grown-ups are aware of that.
4
I've read through many comments on this article. Many reflect the sentiment that these men have, really, done very little. Their confession is insufficient, or they did not reach out to the woman/women they victimized... Some commenters seem to have missed the introduction where the NYT stated that many who were asked to share their name didn't want to do so for fear of losing their employment or social standing, thus the stories we read were mostly from older men.
I need to state that I'm a woman (despite the way I spell my name), because of what I'm going to say:
Isn't this a good place to start? Why can't we accept this one small start?
For me, personally, and with my own experiences, I think this one very small drop of recognition is a reason to hope. It is not a complete solution. It is not the end of this conversation. We can't just let it be saying "it's all OK now"... It isn't... But here's to growing up and developing introspection, and recognizing bad acts for what they are.
Now... Let's see these men become mentors to younger men and try to stop this vicious cycle of abuse.
51
Patrick Herron’s account displays all of the common, qualifying language we see over and over again in current scandals.
“This only occurred once when I was in the car.” He knew about it but only participated once, or did he just watch? He doesn’t say.
“...compared to the culture that prevailed in the 1970s it seemed almost quaint.” Holding a girl against her will unless she agrees to be sexually assaulted “seems” quaint? Really? “...this was somehow both the innocence of youth and the giddy power I felt over this girl.” Innocence of youth? You and your friends drove a girl to a remote place and threatened to kick her out of the car unless she “let” you assault her, and you see this as something childish?
“As I drove away it occurred to me how embarrassed I felt meeting her again, and I wondered how she viewed me as an adult now.” So even in adulthood it was all about him?
I became physically ill reading this article. It was triggering beyond measure. To be honest, I truly wish I was attracted to women rather than men.
21
After reading comments, I want to clarify something. Many assume that stories like these are minor incidents because there was no rape. What can be the most damaging thing about sexual assault, or the imminent threat of assault — speaking for myself only, as I cannot speak for all men and women who have experienced this — is the feeling of being trapped, overpowered, or coerced. We, as animals, have a strong fight or flight response when we are threatened. If we cannot escape, we may freeze and shut down. We may even comply with demands to avoid worse consequences, and some may take that as consent. But that experience of being threatened or trapped stays with us. When Christine Blasey Ford spoke about the formation of trauma-induced changes in the hippocampus, that visceral reaction to entrapment (ranging from not having agency over one’s own body to being physically pinned down) is what she was talking about. Some people said nothing really actionable or important happened to that 15-year-old girl because she was not penetrated. Not true.
So, that girl in the back seat of a car with Lee Montgomery? It’s very likely that she fully believed she was going to be raped. Ditto the girl in the car with Patrick Herron and friends. The young woman led into the pantry? It sounds to me like she was raped in there.
1
The testimony of Dr. Ford was so vividly visceral, as are these accounts by the perpetrators and those who failed to stop sexual aggression. It is pretty striking how deeply embedded are acts of sexual coersion, whatever position of the horrible event one is on.
125
Which makes one think that Kavanaugh must have some memory of the episode Dr. Blasey recounts, even if he had been drinking heavily.
1
@C.A.: OR perhaps he has no memory of it -- just like Leland Keyser (Ford's best friend) or Patrick Symth or anyone else named -- because IT NEVER HAPPENED. Or happened, but not the way that Ford presented it (perhaps she WAS attacked, but at another party or by other boys, or was so drunk herself that her memories are inaccurate).
1
Surprisingly, as a victim of sex abuse whose perpetrator was caught and arrested, this article has not increased my indignation towards men, it has created a paradigm that has being missing and a sense of empathy. The honesty and candor in this article finally validates the experiences women have been reporting. We need more of these narratives because women can't fix this #metoo problem alone; men need to do the hard internal work and be honest about the thoughts (entitlement, power, etc) that lead to their poor treatment of women--then they need to teach the next generation how to change.
19
From my own experience, I believe men have to work at escaping natural inclinations towards conquering and ownership of women. It is a worthy quest, but we stumble along the way. The "sexual revolution", an unwise backlash against authoritarian conservatism, mostly just created confusion and didn't work out well for otherwise honorable people. I was conflicted in high school of wanting sex, not really knowing what it was all about emotionally/spiritually (partly from zero sex education from parents until leaving for college when my dad said "don't get anybody pregnant"), and yet not wanting to be with a girl that "loose". I'm proud of giving unjudgmental emotional support for a friend who became pregnant with a friend in HS, for which she thanked me recently, but very unproud of being involved in an abortion in my mid-20s from foolishness. In late 1970s I convinced myself I was giving "love" to one night stands in a spiritual manner, which is what the ladies were seeking (the love part), but it was too much about conquering/testosterone, and just immaturely silly on my part, requiring lots of forgiveness (thank you, ladies). it is high time we take addl steps to relieve people from sexual predation, Yet we have, unbelievably, "serious" religious people supporting a lying, immoral bully in the WHouse because he plays to their political objectives - continuing the hyprcrisy and confusion that plagues our environmental and foreign policies, and moral progress one-to-one.
3
The smartest piece of advice I received prior to my leaving for college in 1974 came from my aunt '...remember, you have a sister..." Those words have rung true throughout my life. In my high school years, we had a classmate who would fantasize what he do with my best friends sister, inventing stories of things that never happened in front of him. One day he asked something along the lines of how could he control himself living with such a beautiful woman. I responded "... she is his sister. You have a sister. How would you take it if someone asked that of you..." No more fantasies were ever verbalized. It's simple respect. Too many men forget that at one point their mother was the same age as that girl they are abusing. What would they do if someone treated their mother/sister/cousin/daughter the way they are contemplating at that moment?
12
This argument that women deserve to be considered people because they are related to someone else - often a man's sister - needs to be retired. It's 2018, and women are people inherently. and ought to be treated with respect regardless of whether they are someone's sister or mother. That argument of being related to a man therefore deserving respect reeks of sexism. Women should be respected, period.
12
There are plenty of males who molest, assault and rape their sisters. The entire pantheon of misogyny oozes from every pore of American society. Always, always has since 1776. The original sin of the U.S. isn't racism but sexism. Only when males admit this and seek to be sentient decent human beings will the wholesale buying, selling and taking of female bodies stop.
2
There's no excuse for any of all y'all confessors not to reach out and apologise if the person you owe an apology to is still alive. It's called the internet. Facebook comes to mind. Just do it. Not holding my breath for mine.
11
A facebook apology?!? Really?! Just about as valuable as a facebook friend, IMHO... How lame and superficial have we become?
There are two parties to each story--and it is interesting, and instructive, and illuminating to read the other side. Thank you to each of these men for sharing their stories.
7
I spent my entire educational life through high school during the mid-60’s through the late 70’s attending a private girls’ prep school. In my experience there, the girls were more invasive and intrusive than any of the boys could have been. We had dances and social occasions with the boy’s schools and they always seemed decent and respectable — to the extent that teenage boys can be. No huge infractions of personal space or intent, beyond the usual ‘’boys will be boys” stuff. I always knew to expect that. As for some of the girls and teachers at my single sex prep school, some of it still haunts me.
3
I am glad to have read these accounts. It never occured to me that men might have feelings of guilt and memories of these violations.
18
Wow
1
Showing that there are plenty of men who seem truly to regret their past actions towards women is definitely important. The next steps need to be:
1) Along with regret, take tangible actions to improve things for women who have faced unwanted sexual advances and worse (e.g., donations to non-profit groups, openly campaigning for and against politicians depending on their stances in this matter, speaking out frequently and publicly on this issue).
2) Public figures need to speak about their own actions and regrets. Seeing the frequent public--and often vehement--denials by celebrities and politicians refuting what they've been accused of is a significant and long-lasting image that needs to change.
13
The limitation on this project is that all of these people came forward voluntarily, and all of them did so out of an understanding that what they did was wrong and they needed to apologize for it.
The perpetrators I'm really worried about are the ones that have done all of these things and worse, and don't even recognize that they did anything wrong.
41
Yes -- I think the point of this is to recognize that some of the behavior that makes life oppressive for women comes from pretty decent guys who may not have made a practice of that kind of thing -- who may be uneasy about it even as they are carrying out the abuse. And yet, they carry it out, at least that one time.
2
All too true, and now there's another one of them on the Supreme Court.
2
Thank you, NYT, for this report. The ideal reader of these confessions is a young man; I am neither of those things. Declaring one's honest regret for past actions no doubt helps the confessor, but getting a statement of regret from my abusers (sexual assault; domestic violence) wouldn't do anything to change how I feel about them or myself. That clay is hardened. But I can definitely imagine how stories like these might cause a future abuser a moment of self-doubt or self-recognition. I hope we can cultivate the idea among young people that hurting another can hurt oneself for a lifetime.
10
While I applaud that these men took public ownership of their acts, choosing not to be anonymous, they chose to confess to an anonymous audience. I believe it would be so much braver of them to contact the women they harmed. Some of the men here did so, but some seem not to have even tried or to be making excuses about not finding them. These stories are powerful. But we, the NYT readers, should not be the ultimate audience.
Reading these candid self-assessments drives home the fact that so much sexual assault is about power. And it's obvious which of these men were driven by power - their descriptions are distant, as if some other man to whom they share only a sort of relation committed the offending acts - versus which ones acted inappropriately on an attraction.
9
I hear you when you say that the contrition would mean more for the victims than for a general audience, but the catch is that not all of the women would necessarily want to be contacted. Certainly, some would appreciate the personal apology. But I have personally been on the receiving end of sexual abuse and aggression and while, theoretically, I could forgive what was done, in practical terms, I really don't want to hear from any of the men. Maybe I am being proud, but I don't want to have to go back to upsetting memories with the people who wronged me. I'll never forget, of course, but having to deal directly with those men is not something I ever want to get into. I do hope they have matured and have since treated women better. But it is a small favor not to make me go there with them. Everyone is different.
5
I applaud these men for sharing their stories. It is odd to me that only tales of youthful events were shared - none within professional working environments. So while these do a good job of capturing the essence of testing boundaries as part of growing up, (and clearly of crossing boundaries) where there was a general equality of the people - it fails to highlight the damage done when the power dynamic is skewed - such as the workplace. Unless the NYT continues this series with additional accounts, we are at risk of painting this issue as merely a part of growing up while ignoring the rest of reality.
57
Maybe they should share the anonymous stories?
1
One book that addresses the power dynamic is: "Sex in the Forbidden Zone". It's well-written and well-researched. It should be required reading for anyone in an authority position and its suggestions incorporated in every organization's code of ethics.
Terry Wheaton's story brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why. I'm gay. I've never been in a situation like that. But his being 82 years old and saying "I'm sorry Diane" at the end really touched me.
42
I suppose it's nice that these men have reflected on these encounters. But really, it would be better if they spoke about it with the younger men in their lives and why it was so wrong and what they should have done. I hope that men stop 'encouraging other men to treat women well' and start demonstrating it and SPEAKING about it with other men, especially younger men. If there is an conversation or activity that isn't right, speak up and step up.
18
The problem is not knowing what is right at the time. If they don't know, they don't know.
These confessions elevate a missing piece of the social conversation, around how boys can navigate the connection between urges and consequences. If many moments of impulsive aggression are later followed by extreme shame and remorse, it is important for boys and men to consider it more normal to confess and remove power from silence. Expressing genuine regret - and listening to its impact on others - builds empathy and rebalances power. Imagine if these genuine confessions had been offered the next day instead of the next decade.
14
I'm sorry but I believe these stories were very sugar-coated in terms of the experiences most women go through with predatory behaviors in men. Most of these fellows don't clearly admit to describe forceful behavior just persistent obnoxious behavior. One just sat in the living room and only imagined what was going on in the darkened pantry. There are many more Kobe Bryants who simply state that it was mutual consent because it will cover them up from DNA results. Kobe never paid a price for what he had done only glory and fame because he was an excellent NBA player, and of course, the implication was that she was lying. I'm not at all satisfied with this article. Either you picked the wrong group of men or there were a lot of things omitted from their stories that they are fearing they would be legally liable for.
27
I think you are too cynical about these men. We are so inundated with hearing about the worst behaviors that when it comes to men like those in the article, we lose our perspective. There are degrees of everything and this is about High School. I say thank you to these men for expressing their regret and being able to message something to the women as well.
3
Among liberal men with the right intentions but, like many, overwhelmed at the pace and vitriolic spirit of societal change, I believe you are part of the problem rather than the solution. Why would you respond negatively to the much-needed opening of a dialogue? I think it is excellent that some are taking ownership of previous poor decisions and poor behaviours, and the most egregious examples are obviously left out for the sake of people's livelihoods.
1
Well, the article says there were worse stories told, but a decision was made to only publish a select group in which the men consented to let their names be used. So, yes, it's a small collection of stories that are bad, but not as bad as many more that are out there. What is special about them is that they portray men who explored the possibilities of sexual abuse, but then drew back, and regret their behavior. It's not the "wrong" group of men, but maybe it's not the worst group. These aren't the guys who carry out persistent, long term abuse. (But I wonder if all those episodes of uneasy exploring of boundaries that we engaged in, maybe just once, don't add up to a big part of the abusive culture, after all.)
In every single sexual relationship I have had (until I met my husband at the age of 37), I have been harassed to engage in sexual activity I didn't want. These were men who "loved" me. When I was younger I used to cave in, just so I could get some sleep. The last time this happened to me I told my partner the next morning that I felt raped. He burst into tears and asked how I could think such things.
Frankly we need to accept that most men have behaved in such ways - just because they could. I'm not sure I know a man over 45 who hasn't harassed a woman. Clearly crimes need to be punished but in this case we cannot punish every single infraction.
We need truth and reconciliation. And this article is a very good start.
55
We can't punish every man? Maybe we are looking at something the wrong way here.
I'm no psychologist but I just wonder what happens to boys that they cannot stop themselves when in motion? The men who have admitted to their regrets and shame obviously had it in them, somewhere, to put on the brakes. What takes over? Is it testosterone? Is the surge so strong? What about men who don't actually sexually molest but say horrible things that sting and are sometimes worse in terms of their lasting impressions? Where are those admissions?
24
Nothing. Nothing "happens" to them. The choose not to control themselves because they don't believe that they have to. Maybe because they know they are stronger, they know women won't tell (look how Dr. Ford was treated-- that treatment was to show ALL women why they shouldn't come forward-- who wants to go through that?), they may not even think it's morally wrong because they aren't taught to respect women. In short, they want it, and know they can get away with it.
Men aren't animals. They aren't totally beholden to their hormones. If they are, then they certainly don't deserve to interact with other people whom they might harm without supervision. They certainly don't deserve to run the world.
5
Probably alcohol fuels a lot of the worst behavior. Though it's still not a pass.
1
I thought it was interesting that Tom Lynch came out as gay two years after the incident. I wonder how many young men who lived in those times when homosexuality was unacceptable behaved badly with women instead of facing their sexual preference.
It also strikes me that although a common refrain was that they would never let it happen again, or if it did, they would apologize, only one of them has actually done so. I wonder if this lack of courage has much to do with males' acceptance of group bonding through violence of one sort or another.
12
Though I appreciate the willingness of any man to expose himself on such a far-reaching public scale, I am struck by the fact that of the accounts published, most were from men in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s.
I think it would be easier to seek redemption at that stage of life when mortality and conscience loom larger.
I wish that more men in their 40s and 50s had come forward. It would feel more real to me, a woman in her 50s.
88
I don't think they were seeking redemption, I think they were seeking clarity.
1
OK, but the article's author did state that many more men had things they wanted to say, but needed to do it anonymously for fear of reprisals in their personal and professional lives.
I get it. We currently have no path to redemption for this stuff. As long as we don't, we will get only silence.
2
It would be easier to do more damage to them, right? Is that what you mean? A man in his 40s has more to lose than a man in his 80s, right? Let's not beat around the bush, this is about exacting retribution, am I right?
You should publish more of these stories as a part 2
15
This is brilliant! Finally a dialogue that lets women figure out what is in men's minds when they decide to abuse the moment. As a woman, I feel emotional and moved by these strangers, all men who have come forward with naked thoughts and regrets. Women have learned to suffer in silence and inaction all these years. Perhaps with the help of men willing to open their minds and hearts, our future generations of men and women can learn what companionship truly involves. This is indeed a good direction for equality, honesty and humanity.
34
Maybe more men should start talking about their feelings in these situations and more women should stop suffering in silence. We can't understand each other unless we communicate.
As a sexual assault survivor I found these "confessions" deeply unsatisfying. Each man seems sure he would never do such a thing again, yet has not acknowledged or rejected the power dynamic that fueled their actions.
There are excuses: "Our culture expects men to exert confidence in sexual encounters" "(men) would have regarded my action as relatively harmless" "'conquering' her sexually was something I expected I needed to do."
The victims' suffering is minimized: "I felt I had ruined the prom for this young woman." "she seemed at once hurt, disappointed, indignant, and bewildered." " it was a sort of trick to play on girls"
There are a few glimmers of recognition that the sexual assaults were an expression of power: "what stayed with me (was) giddy power I felt over this girl."
Several men express that they received no sexual gratification from their actions, the purpose was to humiliate their victim, yet that word is not used.
The confessions are self absolving: I was young and foolish, luckily no harm done, but of course I'm embarrassed and would never do anything like this now. I see little real remorse, little real attempt to understand the pain they inflicted and little attempt to extrapolate from their experiences lessons for their lives now.
375
I am in total agreement with ML. This just felt like a catharsis for the men, an "Oh, I did wrong, so sorry. Feel bad for me feeling badly." Hell, no. There are more men who didn't and don't behave this way than those who do and for these men to even hint that they are just acting within the cultural norms is misleading and irresponsible. They once felt glee violating another human being, but, you know, they grew up.
5
Agreed. I found the selection of confessors to be odd as well. Mostly older people. Folks who later came out as gay. No serial offenders (at least, none self reported.)
It's hard to believe that these seemingly sanitized accounts of assault would stack up against the coercion, harassment and groping that one might find at an average midtown Manhattan bar around last call on a mundane weeknight.
This piece seems to trivialize the experience of assault and harassment from both the point of view of the perpetrator and the survivor - a distinction for which the NYT surely did not aim. This column is ultimately an unsatisfying and superficial exploration of the issue.
Times editors need to consider more carefully the aims and execution of this type of article.
4
The "I felt I had ruined the prom for this young woman" comment particularly grabbed me and angered me. It showed he really, truly, doesn't understand still today the impact these types of actions have on victims.
3
Thanks to the men who were brave enough to write. As a survivor of rape, it helps to know that some men are able to regret their actions and feel empathy for their victims. My impression is that often they don't.
Perhaps there should be a website called Rape Regrets where men could continue to post writings about their behavior and efforts to make amends. I would appreciate reading about sincere regrets even if they were anonymous accounts...
24
You should visit a corner bar and get to know the guys, you will hear more stories of regret than you can stand.
There is genuine remorse in these intimate memories of men in the moment of their conquest. How they came to be ruthless predators is still tormenting both their victims, and now us. Why does it take conquest to change men meanwhile make another crave it even more? Pity journalism is not interested in that, it only dedicates enough line space to the matter to be sensational in its discovery.
I could not be more disgusted to read this self pitying drivel full of men deciding what their victims felt like.
This is five hundred years too soon.
Shut up and listen, #allmen
14
I guess I'm jaded. These accounts didn't strike me as outrageous.
I am male. I can recount times in 5th grade when a girl touched my crotch on the bus without my consent; in eighth grade when a girl wrote in my yearbook that she wanted to give me oral sex; in my early twenties, when a student of mine put her breast on my arm as she leaned over me and let it linger while I sat frozen, not knowing how to react. A male friend of mine was taken into a closet by 4 girls a year older who stripped him down and performed oral sex on him. My neighbor's older sisters chased us around while they were in their panties and/or naked. Do these amount to sexual assault? Are they much different than the accounts laid out here?
Humans are sexual beings. We pursue each other as a matter of survival. Particularly when we are young, these pursuits are awkward and scary for both participants. That doesn't mean that we are all victims.
There is an inconsistency in our current culture. On the one hand, we tell young people that sex is just a physical act that can take place casually and that, thanks to readily available abortion, has no permanent effects. On the other hand, we tell young women that if they have a sexual encounter that, when considering afterwards, they are not sure was 100% consensual in all respects, they have been physically, emotionally and psychologically assaulted to such an extent that they will be forever changed.
How do you square these?
94
Yeah, like the boob to the face from an attractive dental hygienist, or the flash of bare skin from a acquaintance, a preposition from a co-worker. I have been brushed up against more time than I can remember. Ah, I miss my 30s, 40s and 50s!
Yes, that was unwanted sexual aggression you describe. I suspect the fear that you probably experienced when older girls ganged up, stripped down, chased you would have been like the fear I felt when my abuser opened the door to my bedroom on the way in. We're wired for fear, for gratification, for reproducing ourselves without much thought. No, abortion is not birth control but yes, we do have many methods, some lots more reliable than others, if we want to prevent pregnancy (and STDs) but have sex anyway. You and I agree until we start talking about power and equality in our culture (and most other cultures I can think of.) Those girls outnumbered you, were older and used that "power" to scare you. Had they actually raped you, the fear and shame would have been the same. It may have "ruined" your life -- I don't know. That depends on whether it caused you to be triggered on a daily basis, and go into the fight-flight-freeze response, over and over, when no actual danger was present. I hope you didn't develop those symptoms.
Boys have more physical and social power than girls. In any situation in which the boy wants to say STOP and is free to say it without facing being physically overpowered or losing a job or status, I would not call it sexual harassment. In a situation where a boy does not want the sexual contact and says so, but there are either too many girls or the girls are too much older to be resisted, or where he is afraid of losing a job, etc -- then yes, I would say that is sexual harassment.
I would guess, for instance, that you could have moved your arm without consequence when your student leaned her breast there - I suspect your hesitation was more a marker of ambivalence than fear. But if the situation had been reversed -- if you, as the professor, had placed your hand on her breast, she could have wondered whether moving would affect her grade and, perhaps, her chance at grad school or a good job.
1
I don't know. Reading these just brought back all the pain i have felt since I was a toddler who was sexually assaulted; since I was a teenager and my stepfather who made fun of my large breasts; the high school boys who groped me; the men who catcalled me and repeatedly made lewd remarks to me; the men that wouldn't leave me alone because I wouldn't date them; the co-worker who raped me, and the the man I was in relationship who forced me to have intercourse.
I just don't think men get it what they have done and continue to do to women.
Just yesterday, I was chased by a clearly mentally ill man while I was walking to work, while he threatened to kill me just because he could do that.
When does the abuse against women stop and how do all the men who have done what they have done to women atone for all this abuse?
These few stories are just not even a beginning.
19
What struck me about these disclosures was the element of shame or remorse. At the Kavanaugh circus, at the many Trump circuses, guilt or shame were notably absent.
79
Guilt and shame were notably absent perhaps (just perhaps!) because guilt actually was absent. Meaning, perhaps Kavanaugh did not assault Ford. No one actually knows the truth of the matter, but you seem keen on believing he did it despite all the evidence against Ford's case.
The Weinstein story led to me doing an exhaustive search of my own sexual history to see if I was culpable in any way. I spoke to other men around this time and heard similar stories of introspective worry and borderline anxiety—when the next shoe drops may it not be in my house— was our unspoken prayer. The worst judgement that I could come up with was that I had behaved selfishly at times. Alcohol had a role in blurring my (and others) judgement but some of my behaviors were while quite sober. As I examined the break-ups and brush-offs that occurred it seemed that the women I dated concurred but selfish or irresponsible was the worst I’d been called. I eventually agreed with those judgements. In cases where it was needed I made an honest attempt at amends.
One interesting side note in #MeToo was the remembering of my own experience of sexual abuse. I reluctantly share it now because it palls in comparison to what so many of my sisters experienced.
I was seventeen and he picked me up while I was hitch hiking in Arizona. He was a Boy Scout leader, in full uniform. He manipulated me into posing nude for photographs for a “life studies art class at the University.” He shot two or three rolls of film and then encouraged me to become erect. I refused. Our photo session ended. A short time later he left me by the side of the road. It could have gone a lot worse. That was forty-three years ago. Aside from my wife I’ve never spoken about it.
32
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you know that is not acceptable and that is an abuse of power. While the usual image is men attacking women in alleys, sexual assault is often an abuse of power. Because of the legacy of sexism in this country, men tend to have more power than women. But men also have more power than boys. I think that the kind of hostile masculinity you see described in so many of these stories is a huge part of the problem. How can we really look at masculinity and look at what is good about it and what we could improve? Can we make room for a masculinity that is not about power over others (including other men) but about personal responsibility, for example? Can we teach boys to control impulses the way girls have always had to because historically girls have had to face the consequences? How can we teach boys that they don't have to be all masculine all the time, but what they do have to do is have empathy and compassion? This will improve the lives of both women and men--both male perpetrators and male victims, and in some cases men who have been both. What can be useful about your story is that the people who abuse their power over young boys are exactly the same kinds of people as those who abuse their power over girls and women or subordinates at work
1
At least someone believes you.
This just made me angry. We already know the prevailing attitude that men have towards women and female sexuality. We already know all too well that many men view sex as their exclusive domain in which women are playthings or victims but not equals. The implicit and ignorant disrespect towards women in these anecdotes as evidenced by the disgusting terms such as of "easy" or "being down" does nothing to even the field. This is a grotesquely vivid illustration of how treacherous and long the road ahead is.
15
"many men view sex as their exclusive domain in which women are playthings or victims but not equals"
YES!
1
There was so much silence back then in high school about sexual matters. I was at an all male Catholic School in 1970-74. Even though I would eventually be gay, there was so much pressure to be straight that I convinced a girl to have sex with me, she became my girlfriend for three years and we did very well together. My classmates I am sure felt the same pressure. At that time, there was no counselling and of course I wouldn't have gone anyway. Now what I see is a huge deficiency in elders to help people through these times and overcome the silence about sexual issues and to help men to understand there is no need to prove anything though sexual encounters.
12
The common thread I see in these stories is one of power. Sure, it's fueled by lust or aggression or even circumstance, but none of it matters as much as the expression of the moment: "I can do this, and you can't stop me."
Really, why would perpetrators think any different? They won't, unless they understand that they will regret it for the rest of their lives. Either through the self-flagellation demonstrated here or a just society that agrees to make no room for abuses of power.
3
Wow, that's great. A bunch of old men are sorry, but they did go on to lead exemplary lives. Magnanimous, and moving. Can you feel my sarcasm?
33
Several of these comments by women are so self-righteous, that, as a woman, it makes me cringe. Are you so pure and without questionable behavior that you would pronounce with such absolute fervor and condemnation? Some nuance please.
4
No, can you feel mine?
1
Well, we could have simply kept our mouths shut and ignored the chance to maybe make a contribution. I am an old man and I am sorry. Take it or leave it joyless.
This perspective is an important part of the conversation - but will never undo the damage. Two important points I found: Many men had never told anyone. With age, they saw their misdeed, and when prompted, they decided to share their story. I wonder that if their stories and regrets were part of our culture's conversation (and led by men) that the problem of male sexual entitlement could eventually wane (slightly). Second, one person compared his story to the teen movie, and this an important comparison. Media and pop culture influence us, and who makes the media often controls a part of our cultural narrative. It is essential to critique pop culture and find how images and narratives shape our identity.
The conversation is in its infancy, and this perspective has been enlightening.
10
Almost across the board, it goes against the grain of human history for people to give up power unless they have no choice. Men have dictated female sexuality, made the rules, and enforced them for millennia. Women have fought this battle in fits and starts. The women who have stood on the forefront of this very difficult battle are my heroes. The women who have risked a lot, especially ostracism, that most potent of human tortures, deserve praise and admiration, no so the 8 individuals featured in this article.
10
Thank you to all who shared, even anonymously. I don't think young men understand a woman's psyche and how deeply we are scarred by abuse. It can be life-changing for the victim, but this piece helped me see how it can also cause lifelong remorse for the perpetrator. Most women never get an apology or a closure, and that feeds the PTSD which is swirling around me as I write.
26
This is an excellent article, with men coming forward.
Can you do a similar article where women in positions of power come out about aggressive towards men? Even if that number might be smaller?
At present there are more men doing these because there are simply many more men than women in positions of power.
Its all about probability, we are all human beings and capable of the same good or bad things under the same conditions.
2
I'm glad NYT posted this but before reading this article this morning, I read this one on HuffPo https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/domestic-violence-forgiveness_us_5b...
I found the HuffPo article to be more genuine and honest. I liked how they showed both sides and I appreciated how they are using their story to start the healing and to get a genuine discussion going on how we move forward.
I appreciate the effort NYT is making, but it feels weak and too open ended. We unfortunately cannot undo the past, but what we have to do is understand the past so that we can find ways to teach our children not to repeat history again.
I have a son and a daughter and they both need to know that what has happened in the past is not acceptable in their future. They also need to know that if they misbehave there will be a consequence and if they are in an unfortunate situation they need to know people are looking out for them and we as a community are watching and will not stay silent.
2
I agree that the format of the HuffPo article gives it more depth than this Reddit-like True Confessions piece. However, the subjects of the articles are so different — apples and oranges, really — that further comparison is meaningless.
1
As others have noted, this feels like a starting point. I reflected on things I've done throughout my life which I've known or deeply suspected at the time were wrong, that took advantage of others or caused emotional harm, though none of it was sexually related in the slightest. Particularly things I did as a teenager when there does seem to be a true disconnect between our selves and any nuanced sense of morality, which I now deeply regret. Apologizing and owning your role in causing harm is very challenging and its not something we're necessarily taught. Often, my first "draft" at an apology to someone contains all kinds of outs and excuses and attempts to shirk responsibility even as I am attempting to take ownership for what I've done. I never trust my first attempt at an apology because it inevitably reflects mostly on my own guilt and shame rather than empathy. The level of empathy, which has obviously for most of these men, come with time and life experience is laudable.
11
Lower the entry date to middle school because I want to see the three other middle-schooler "friends"I had describe what I experienced at age 12 during two events. And I want to see the dad who flashed me (same year, age 12) on his front porch where he had called me to, distanced by a front yard from the street where I was playing kickball with my real friends. And also to my sister's boyfriend whose nose I broke, that same year, because he knocked me down in broadest daylight on a back street that was wooded on either side. This was a backstreet normally populated with kids contemplating future times. That day, it was just him coming from one end and me not thinking anything except: oh, there's my sister's boyfriend. I got out from under him, and brought my fist down on his nose. I had cotton from my shirt stuck in my back which my mom tweezed out. Twelve. Middle school. I saw he had a split over his nose (a friend took me to see the next day, saying I broke his nose, from a distance). Splint / score. What isn't your shame boys?
24
Congratulations on that broken nose, Gina! How few women have had the satisfaction of effective self-defense at such a moment. I'll be you made him think twice after that about opportunistic sexual assault.
3
men need to tell other men to stop hurting women
226
YES. This. Cut out this garbage of "only locker room talk" making even planning of it or boasting about real or imagined encounters acceptable.
Oh you poor boys, living w/ all that guilt for all these years. NOT!
It feels to me like a lot of these men have come to understand that this kind of behavior is no longer acceptable to a large segment of society and that it is the correct thing to be remorseful now. Their remorse scarcely seems like such a much compared to what many of their victims felt. So, no, I'm not moved.
12
It helps me heal to know that men live with the shame of what they do - we think we don't matter at all to them, but these acts leave us all etched with the emotional fallout. I only ever wanted to hear an amends - I don't carry my trauma in a bag ready to bring it out to ruin someone at an opportune moment, but I carry it because there has been no closure. I could bury it forever with one moment where I am acknowledged and can be heard.
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Sarah,
You have been acknowledged and heard. Trust me when I tell you that only a true sociopath does not live with regret and shame over things they have done like the ones described here. Chances are good that your perpetrator bears an emotional scar for what he did to you, even if he never apologized.
The only difference is he deserves it and you do not.
6
Men have always lived with shame, and fear, and the sense that they fall short of the ideals that they only distantly understand. These are all stories of young men at a time in their lives when they are first encountering the world and first experiencing the stress of sexual contact and communication. In my experience no man is very sure of himself in these situations and can easily find themselves saying and doing things that are part of the role of manhood. Given time every man evolves, hopefully, into a better and sensitive person, but that evolution itself is controlled by sense of desperation as every man has to make a place for himself in the world and finds that he often has to sacrifice more than he wants just to get ahead. He often has to sacrifice the things that would make him a better man just to survive. The depredations against women later in life, I think, come from men who have been broken by life. The mistakes that these young men relate come from an ignorance and fear (and desire) that they do not know how to control. This does not in any way excuse these actions, but I have seen them everywhere and I think the entire world of young men need an intervention. There was a time when fathers taught young men how to be men, now they learn it in the streets and through social media. In the end the only way we can protect young women is to also protect young men.
1
Thanks for sharing those feelings Sarah. I think guys know very well when they are out of line, yet too often they don't have the courage to apologize for their inappropriate behavior. Better yet, let's hope all men can learn to behave, so that an apology is not needed.
I felt compelled to read these, I want to hear men acknowledge what's happened. I have incidents of feeling extremely used and coerced in my childhood and young adulthood. No one has ever recognized me and my feelings about those incidents. I haven't forgotten. You guys did it because you could get away with it. I don't think we should make it exemplary now because you are willing to do the right thing. We want to know that at least some boys were decent back then.
20
I think we have to acknowledge that both young men and young women are confused about the "rules" of sexual behaviors. Violence is never acceptable, but some of this very awkward behavior seems less than a mortal sin. Also it's likely that both boys and girls found it difficult to see each other as fully human, and that is a function of their immaturity, not their character.
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No, they weren't. None of these boys described being confused. They just described knowing they could get away with it.
Who honestly is confused about the fact that you don't touch someone's genitals when they don't want you to?
Just because it's not the worst type of behavior doesn't mean it's excusable. The same entitlement that leads a man to rape a woman leads him to snap her bra or pressure her for oral sex.
"Also it's likely that both boys and girls found it difficult to see each other as fully human, and that is a function of their immaturity, not their character."
This is also wrong. It's a function of the fact that men are not socially conditioned to view women as fully human.
I don't see any instance in these stories of girls not seeing boys as fully human, and I expect you don't either.
36
I agree completely. Even as adults, it is difficult to talk about sex in any kind of mature way. In my experience as a teenager, it was almost always the boy instigating any kind of sexual behavior, whether I wanted to or not. As a teenager, I never experienced the unwanted behavior past an initial attempt, but I never felt like this process of experimentation and awakening was a smooth, well-understood exchange. It was a complete mess. It is understandable that in this messy situation that people get hurt. I think it is important that men fess up and apologize for their behavior. And, i think that any kind of violence or rape scenarios should be understood by boys at a young age to be explicitly wrong, especially gang rape. I think it is more common than a lot of people think. There's something about the group dynamics of teenage males that can go really bad. Another thing that is really common is men pressuring women for oral sex. Does that ever end?
2
I take issue with the use of the work awkward.
There is a big difference between threatening someone and an awkward moment. And most of these stories are not about not knowing right from wrong. They are stories where a male person takes advantage of his power, often knowingly in that moment. As retold here, he may have felt awkward only in retrospect. This is not the same as two willing people fumbling around, figuring out how sex works. These stories are about something else.
9
I read this hoping that a friend would say he regretting his actions toward me in high school. It's one thing to admit your regrets. It's a more profound thing to make things right with the person you wronged.
11
Unless there's a time machine, I don't think that's possible. Some bells simply cannot be unrung.
1
I agree with a previous commenter who wanted to know why? In all of these accounts the underlying theme to me is that they seem to block out any empathy when they are in "drive". That drive seems to be a very laser like focus. Is that the testosterone talking? It scares me in the sense that I wonder how capable guys in drive mode are able to snap out of it. I guess some more than others are able to. Interesting and important.
25
There's a tremendous amount of natural variation from one male to the next, Kim....most men are decent, but a distinct percentage seem hooked on their animal instincts.....sad, scary and depressing.
Speaking truth to male 'power' seems to be the only way forward.
6
Its not the testosterone, its the male mind and its always going to be there. Now what are we going to do about that?
What is amazing to me is the naivete and simplicity of these engagements.
In a world of physical harm and violation, these seem to be minimal. But it is clear that the harm was deep and permanent. These are men in their 70's and 80's still wanting to confess and expiate their actions. I suspect that the sense of betrayal is just as devastating for the women.
How much more devastating, it must be when the action has been so much more abusive.
27
HT, a group of guys driving a girl to a remote spot (Mulholland Drove was remote at the time) and telling her she can walk home or submit to sexual assault is nowhere near “minimal.” Nor is it “minimal” for two guys to drive a girl to an isolated street in an unfamiliar part of town and hold her there while one gets off on threatening (my purposeful implication) her with rape. Believe me, both of those “action(s)” are “abusive.”
11
I agree Peaches. Mulholland Drive was a rape - just without the penetration.
1
Abuse of power is not naive or simple. Who are you to declare what is and isn't "minimally" harmful or abusive. You can apologize for crushing a flower under your foot all you want, but that flower is not likely to stand up straight again no matter how sorry you profess to being, or how young/foolish/boy-human you were were at the time you summarily stomped it.
True confessions by men, sincere apologies are important contributions to discussion of male-female (and all) relationships. Is it against the grain (for that popular "balance") to have similar regretful confessions from women? And will such confessions and discussions really make permanent meaningful and major (national, if not world wide) changes in human behavior? We can hope while we wait to learn what it takes to alter human behavior, since centuries of rape and other sexual abuse is so entwined in our both sordid and noble history.
It seems there are individuals who for whatever reasons are not regretful, are not motivated to either think before they act, to regret or feel a need to apologize or otherwise try to set right whatever wrongs in which they may have indulged. What then?
Do our regrets and apologies then set us free emotionally? Experience suggests the answer for many is "no." What if one's "i'm sorry" does not receive a response or is rejected? While confessing the errors of one's ways may be beneficial, what, if anything, can set things right?
In what seems to be the eternal hurly-burly carnival of human existence, of religious absolution, psychiatric unloading and confessions such as those elicited by the New York Times and others, most of us may carry burdens to our graves -- unrelieved, unsatisfied. Are there still more questions than answers? Can what's done be undone?
Doug Giebel, Big Sandy, Montana
57
No, Doug, what's done cannot be undone; that's the tragedy.
What can happen is evolution, so that the next generation of males will not grow up as thoughtless, ruinous, ruinous and predatory as the generation of males before them.
76
And if what's done can never be undone, what's the use in trying to undo it?
If the abuse of women (and of children, of other men) has been with humankind since about that Beginning, and given the pace of "evolution," will "the next generation" be enough?
Even wonder what the real Socrates would have to say?
dg
1
Here is my 'similar regretful confession': I regret that I did not call the police when I was raped at 17, I regret that I did not scream out to the onlookers who calmly watched as I was sexually assaulted on an Amtrak train at 18, I regret that I did not shame the group of male friends who laughed when I told them a man on the street had just groped me, I regret that I did tackle the man who grabbed my 11 yo sister's breast as we rode up the escalator at Macys, I regret that I did not tell my parents when a group of older boys locked me in the basement and molested me at age 6, I regret that my parents chose not to press charges when I was sexually assaulted at age 3.
Is that the kind of regretful confession you had in mind? You will get no regrets from me for being angry at men. I am angry at the men who assaulted me and my sisters, but I am also angry at all the men who stood by and laughed, or watched, or turned their heads away. In all my years (I am 60) I have only ever seen two men step in to protect a woman being assaulted. One, I am proud to say, was my son. The young man he stopped and then spoke out against was a star player on his lacrosse team. The coach encouraged the team to pressure my son to recant. He did not.
583
Honestly I came into this article thinking that I would absolutely hate it. I thought, "oh here are more stories of men acting like victims when they were the ones who initially did something wrong", but I am pretty surprised. I don't think this is the end of this conversation and I would like to see even more men try to dissect how they made women feel in those encounters or vice versa. I think this is a good start, we need dialogue where men not only believe us but also start to realize that they might not be so noble either. This is a very good take, rather than the ones you see where men say they "fear" #Metoo because they could get persecuted. I actually really liked the story where the man got sexually assaulted, I think men should be more open about their own trauma because we all need to heal from it, and it probably happens much more than anyone would like to admit.
34
I agree with all of this, and especially the bit about it being really important that one of them spoke about being sexually assaulted himself. I think that it's probably very common that people (mostly men, but some women) have both been victims of sexual assault and also have done things that they regret, whether they'd qualify those things as assault as well. It definitely seems like an essential step in healing, to be able to speak about both things.
I'm sorry, gentlemen. It is brave to speak out publically and to ask for forgiveness, but the ease with which you can name yourself and your victims without retribution is annoying to me some how. Women have to suffer in silence. They aren't allowed to name themselves or their abusers without suffering even more. They can't get justice from police systems or society. Instead of speaking out, do something more. Vote for politicians who support better laws and justice for victims of sexual assault and violence. If you are politicians, support and or bring forward legislation, better laws and and policies to support victims and punish perpetrators. If you are in positions of power, change the culture, climate and policies of your organizations. If you are not in positions of power, speak out when you see other men acting badly and then speak up with your colleagues to demand harassment free environments for your female co-workers. Otherwise, your words are meaningless.
143
In reply to Sharon Sheppard, one might ask if ANYTHING would satisfy the demand for accountability. Speaking out regarding one's workplace might or might not be effective, but it also might end one's employment. A risk worth taking for the betterment of humankind? While we need better legislation and enforcement, what in every individual instance is appropriate punishment for transgressions? Who decides? For some who are truly harmed, nothing may overcome, relieve the harm once done.
Must all women "suffer in silence, since many do not suffer in silence?
And although it is not a popular subject and is reviled by many seeking justice, what of the relatively-few but actual instances of false allegations regarding sexual harassment? Is there really anything that will truly be satisfying?
5
Sharon, do you see these men not doing those things? I doubt guys who make these confessions are all just crawling back into their holes.
It's understandable that women want justice right now, and that they also want a pound of flesh. Or ten thousand tons of flesh probably. And the latter is a justified desire. You have a right to feel everything you feel and you have a right to appropriate vindication, and you have a right to see men pay for the harm they have done.
Somewhere beyond #MeToo, at some point when the justice you seek has started getting a strong grip, society desperately needs to start addressing what's wrong with men and boys. Because there's a reason we do these things to women, and it's not because we're just rotten.
Again, you have a right to your justice, and you should get it right now, and that should not be overshadowed by anything.
3
"The ease with which you can name yourself"? These men waited until their lives were almost over because the pain of airing these emotions was too great. These were not political statements, they were tiny voices of truth from a perspective which you cannot understand. If you want to find the meaning in these stories I suggest you look into yourself.
2
This is fantastic journalism.
As a man, I would urge all men to treat all girls and women with individual respect and dignity.
You'll get much 'luckier' in life if you do rather than when you act like a caveman.
Evolution is a very slow process, but it's happening.
There is hope, but change must be demanded from those who resist it.
46
Socrates: I don't like your last statement. Are you somehow implying that the victims are to blame because they are not demanding enough - that's just not right.
No, Lily, the victims are never to blame.
It's just that the perpetrators are so obtuse and oblivious to their own wretched behavior that it requires continuous objection, education and verbal resistance to get them to understand the difference from right and wrong.
Essentially, quite a few men need constant Special Education from both other men and women.
7
Hey! What makes you think that cavemen behaved that way? No evidence whatsoever.
Testosterone and the attitude of patriarchy are the 2 most corrosive elements in the universe. The attitude can be improved as we become more equal and civilized. Then, as to the chemical, it will be mind over matter.
29
Testosterone is a subject worth addressing. Especially now that many men are taking it as a supplement. The potential effects of such widespread use - not only on the people using it, but on society as a whole - should be evaluated.
After all, whenever a woman wants to regulate her own hormones, there are a number of hoops she has to jump through.
5
As long as the sexist conservatives are in charge of our country and many other countries, women and minorities will be openly despised and disparaged.
7
I don't think testosterone and patriarchy have anything to do with this. I think it is generated from the fear and desperation that boys find themselves in during high school and the behavioral traits that they develop to solve that problem.
I think these accounts are brave, required both deep introspection and courage to have their names printed for the world to see. I commend these men for their empathy and sharing their experiences of regret with all of us so we can more fully understand this from a male perspective. I'm a middle-aged lesbian and honestly have pretty much (from the age of 12) found men frightening for the ways they absently or aggressively deal with women's rights, feelings, and bodies. These "confessions" and the ways that these men have remembered their behavior with sadness, embarrassment, and regret, even over decades, creates a new understanding and is very moving.
171
Thanks, I needed that, to read these open, pensive feelings and thoughts. Looking back, you guys let them publish your names and told your stories well. Proves survivors are not the only courageous ones, and we are also not the only ones on a healing journey.
71
I don't know what I expected to gain out of reading this. Ultimately, I'm disappointed. I'm glad the conversation is happening. It just feels like a public confession that doesn't measure up to the personal pain I've experienced. Perhaps that the problem, for me, in reading stories like this (which is quite unique); the pain is too personal, and the confessions too weak.
130
just imo, Caroline, the major truck-load of healing work unfortunately ends up being the life-long project of survivors. The ones who hurt us cannot and will not fix it. They may be able to assist, but that's a rare exception in a world of denial and inequality. We go through layers and 'levels' and re-runs and spirals. Reading these men's serious assessments of themselves and their actions, as well as their increasing awareness of how the girls/women felt and feel, I felt more heard, believed, and even understood to some extent. This is more than I was given before from perpetrators. I read the "confessions" in a state that's hard to describe. Happy sadness, sad happiness? Just b/c I don't know how to talk about how I feel doesn't mean my story is not true. And writing w total strangers on the internet has helped me move along, gain better perspective and talk about the unspeakable. Thanks to all who dare consider the many points of view that shine light into our cultures and 'boundaries.'
14
Caroline, I think I understand what you mean. When the pain is too personal, this type of talk (which is confession is all about) can feel insulting. It might make a difference if they mention if they ever passed on the lesson to younger people including their sons and daughters (if they have them).
1
I feel this is a very critical, albeit imperfect, beginning.
The other, flip side #metoo moment. It seems to me this is the only way forward.
53