It really doesn’t matter.
Blur’s song “Girls and Boys” came out when I was in 8th grade. I thought it was the future of pop, with its bouncy dance rhythm. And the lyrics, which were tongue in cheek, made a big impression on me.
“Girls who want boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they’re girl
Who do girls like they’re boys
Always should be someone you really love.”
I was obsessed with it. And I still live by it today.
Love is what matters. Love is enough.
165
If people really didn’t care about other people’s sexuality, they wouldn’t spend so much time and energy making sure that we know that don’t care about other people’s sexuality.
Ever heard of “methinks thou dost protest too much?”
People who genuinely didn’t care wouldn’t even click on this article, let alone take the time to read and respond.
89
Most eccentric people are not accepted by their community.
Bisexual acceptance is nothing special.
Try telling you friends who might hate Trump that he was a wonderful president and see how quickly they flow away from having you as a friend.
Bisexual acceptance is nothing else.
45
Are there any straight people in a long term relationship with bisexuals of the opposite sex and who are OK with it? As a straight person, I don't see how that is possible.
44
It is possible. Bisexual people aren’t any more likely to be unfaithful than heterosexual partners, despite having twice the number of potential partners.
Fidelity is fidelity.
455
unless a bi person is in a group relationship they are going to have to choice and their choice will either put them in a gay / lesbian relationship or a straight one. if they choose straight, it is not unreasonable for gay / lesbian people to consider them not part of the gay / lesbian community.
75
Having spent most of my life living in the liberal communities of Boston and NYC these tails of disconnect and distrust are really wearing me out. A few years ago it was Autism, being gay, ADHD. Certainly discussing the very diverse nature of who we are as humans is a very worthy cause, but making trendy choices as to who is misunderstood seems, well, trendy, and not a revelation that will change how we think as a society.
141
i don't understand this compulsive need to identify as a member of a sexual minority, or majority for that matter. People should just chill out, and accept the fact that sexual attraction isn't some reified thing. For some of us, and I think honestly for most of us, desire is a free-floating thing. Live and let live.
378
Get married. So all the stress of being attracted to other people goes away because from that moment on you have to content to just be with that one person. You just have to pick a lane and go with it.
101
Ani Difranco spoke of this in her 1992 song “In or Out”. The song brilliantly points out that it’s others that want you in a box.
“Some days the line I walk
Turns out to be straight
Other days the line tends to deviate
I got no criteria for sex or race
I just want hear your voice
I just want to see your face”
She was made a poster child for the lesbian community when she wrote songs about loving women. Then many felt betrayed when she married a man. My daughter’s peers(13year olds) are fortunately more accepting of gender and sexual fluidity and queer identity.
140
I have considered bi-sexual people very lucky as they can share a relationship any way they want. You have but one life, live it, enjoy it.
81
I'm genuinely saddened by the impatience and even outright hostility being shown in many Reader Comments toward bi people who are (I think) honestly expressing the knee jerk discomfort and disbelief they often experience when they're honest with friends and family about their bisexual orientation.
What makes me believe the bi-folks is a conversation I had some years back about male bisexuality with a female acquaintance. I can't recall how the subject came up (I didn't raise it), but I remember clearly how stridently uncompromising she was in insisting that if a male has had one -- even just one -- sexual experience with another man, it proves he's gay. "There is no such thing as bisexuality!" she declared.
I didn't think to probe (gently, of course!) as to whether she'd had a painful experience with a man who'd been with another man while they were dating, and she felt overthrown and rejected.
That's only a sample of one, but her insistence and even surprising anger -- coming from someone who was otherwise tolerant on most social issues -- remains a vivid memory.
175
Just enjoy your life, have fun whatever turns you on. Life is beautiful, enjoy it.
68
I’m a heterosexual woman who spent half an adult lifetime living with an occasionally bisexual male. What’s the big deal. Occasionally, he enjoyed other males, occasionally I enjoyed other males. Occasionally, we all got together. We loved each other until he died. Love is what gets you thru.
194
I think learning about other people is interesting and healthy. If the story is not for you, turn the page. Don’t stand up and scream “this story is not for me!”
160
Wow. As a 50 year old bisexual woman who has struggled my whole life with these issues, I was really heartened by this article…until I read the comments.
I thought we’d advanced a little, at least among the nytimes readership…guess I was wrong.
340
@Alas
I wouldn't be too disheartened by the comments. Many of them are ugly but there's a selection bias: most people who aren't homo - or biphobic are content to live and let live and not bother commenting. I'm a 55-year-old bi woman btw.
132
I am thoroughly worn out trying to make sure people feel safe/good/accepted. That's on you. Learn to deal with who you are and stop blaming everybody else.
The world is on fire and Covid marches on. Let's get a grip people and move past sexuality. The world is getting very tired of "woke" when it comes to who you choose to sleep with.
103
Navel gazing is so yesteryears. Look lower still. Gender pondering and sexual self-examination is the new new thang. As a hetero-cis male I’ll consider myself but one letter S (Straight) among the Alphabet Soup of preferences and biological determinants. I’m comfortable as such in the uninteresting, non feature worthy plurality of straight men within today’s swirling carnival of who’s what to whom between the sheets.
52
I don't care about anyone's sexual orientation. Feel free to keep it to yourself.
119
@Sook I appreciate your comment -- I think that is how many folks feel that are straight and never have to consider how others might react in casual conversations. Straight is the default after all, so we feel free to share about what we did on vacation, over the weekend, and with whom. We feel free to share about our engagements, weddings, partners, spouses, and children. However, if you are gay or bisexual, those casual conversations can be tricky at times. There is an added layer of concern about ones' reaction upon realizing that their friend or co-worker is not straight.
Perhaps straight folks don't perceive that straights rarely practice "keeping it to themselves". And that's fie. After all, it's called conversation....and everyone should be welcome to participate.
151
@sook—Yet you felt the need to tell us that you were cis-straight.
77
Why oh why would I care about someone else’s sexuality? Why not be concerned about my own and leave other people alone
Why would anyone use anyone else’s sexuality to advocate a political position?
59
I don’t believe in ANY of the many/strict labels, period, just think it’s a control system that we passively accede to. Humans are sexual, and are constantly morphing, changing, and doing stuff, some of which is… ta dah! sexual! while the 1-dimensional, and completely artificial, labels are as often about attacking, controlling, demeaning, and quantifying the ‘un-quantifiable’ as they are about promoting camaraderie & solidarity. (And no, I don’t have a ‘solution’ to our thoroughly embarrassing society’s litany of fears, phobias & wild delusions… just my own ideas)
26
I was excited to see this article and found the read very interesting as a bisexual woman who is currently in hetero relationship. Even the coverage of bisexual people as queer folks who have distinct experiences and struggles is validating, and it is welcome to hear various perspectives on it.
Looking through the comments, I am so saddened by the anger and hate that many feel after even having bisexual people and their struggles acknowledged. These comments are full of internalized homophobia by queer folks, and hardcore homophobia and misogyny by others. All because someone dared to tell the story of some bisexual individuals. It hurts to see.
193
@Meg
The anger your reading isn't biphobic or homophobic. It's not anger at the Other. It's a meta-anger.
It's anger at the implication throughout this essay, that unless a bi person (by nature a minority) feels fully, completely comfortable everywhere at all times that society - simply by being neutral towards her - has failed, is "hateful," "bi-phobic," etc. As if the quest to feel comfortable in one's own skin is the responsibility of society, rather than who wears it.
It's a form of blackmail.
88
@Meg Since when is saying something that is not positive and affirming the same as being outright hateful? If you share your story in public, then get ready for responses and reactions that may not align with your sensitivities.
45
Most of our relationships are not specific to sex, race, gender, age or religion. Hopefully, one day, people can look at each other without labeling people and enjoy their company.
29
Bisexuality is a well-recognized "variation" in sexuality.
In some sense, it can be innocuous, even less of a liability. But then it becomes an obstacle to “tribalism” in that you can’t “identify” yourself either as Straight or Gay.
It can well be seen as an asset. For instance, a married man, or for that a woman, though less often, becomes attracted to another “more attractive” woman, or man in the case of a married woman. But many on a regular basis restrain their carnal desire to conform to society’s norms.
Similarly, the bisexual person could or should try to restrain their desire, their bisexual attraction for the sake of the person’s chosen norm.
In the end, sexuality can be a nuisance for many; it tends to give you constant struggle. Look at the trouble sexuality caused to many prominent politicians and others in the recent past.
14
I am a bisexual woman, who is in a straight and exclusive marriage. Thankfully my husband of over a decade knows and accepts this. Till date, we have observed a very traditional monogamous marriage simply because I don't want to deal with the melodrama of seeking a secondary outside of our marriage. It has been my choice to keep our marriage exclusive. But before I met my husband, it was really difficult to honestly share my sexual orientation with anyone. Men I dated would repeatedly read me as a "girl who would not mind a threesome" (nope!), lesbians would tell me I was too trained to want men, but I really only want women as they only can understand me (nope!), and of course, I have not dared to come out to my family or workplace as they both operate on very traditional life principle. A common confusion I have seen is that people think because I am bisexual, I must be promiscuous as one partner cannot satisfy me. Another common confusion is why I do not subscribe to the idea that "men and women relate differently towards sex". I am tired of (and now have given up) explaining that while orientation is not a choice, how many people or who I choose to have sex with are a private decision between myself and my life partner.
234
@Bi woman I appreciate and admire your position. I thought with moderate restraint on your part a bisexual person can faithfully cary on a monogamous marriage. I indicated that in my comment above.
18
@Bi woman
Thanks for this comment. I'm in the same situation.
31
@Ana I happen to be a retired psychiatrist. I have focused my 40+ years of research on the biological/morphological aspects of human behavior, which included homosexuality.
What I understood from my reading is that while gay men by nature have very high sex-drive, lesbians by nature have low sex-drive, with the result that many lesbians do not "realize" they are actually lesbians until they are in their thirties. Rosie O'Donnell remarked that when she was about 22, while driving, she came to realize that she might be a lesbian; she said to herself, "I think I'm gay!"
Therefore, my feeling is that it might be easier for bisexual women to be monogamous than for bisexual men to be so.
22
I think bi and trans people have a lot in common - poorly understood, often viewed as traitors to the home team, often not trusted on the other team - pigeon-holed, stuffed, and shrunk to fit other people's notions of who we should be - maligned, excluded, and used for political fodder.
There has historically been a natural alliance between trans and bi people. Back in the mid/late 1990's when trans (re-)inclusion became a heated issue, that was on the heels of bi-inclusion in the "gay/lesbian" movement. Bi people understood how trans people were being ostracized and often spoke out for us. BiNetUSA was the first national organization to welcome us under their umbrella, something for which I am still very grateful.
Even in interpersonal relationships, bi and trans people often make great partners. My partner of over 2 decades is bi. She is comfortable with whomever I am, and I'm comfortable with whomever she is.
My heart goes out to people who are bi. It's a surprisingly difficult road to walk.
104
Some of these comments are terrible — goes to show biohobia is too real. Being bi is like having constant imposter syndrome. I’m always questioning myself even though I know I am bi and fear being found out as an actually-straight fraud.
83
If you’re bisexual then just find that special person you want to spend your life with if that works for you - heterosexual people are usually attracted to lots of people - that doesn’t mean you have to become involved with every attractive person you meet - most people find one person and settle down - I think you’re actually lucky - you have a supercharged relationship with lots of people. Be thankful!
15
Stevie Budd : So, just to be clear, um... I'm a red wine drinker.
David Rose : That's fine.
Stevie Budd : Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David Rose : Okay.
Stevie Budd : And up until last night, I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David Rose : [nods knowingly] I see where you're going with this. Um... I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie Budd : Oh.
David Rose : And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay...
Stevie Budd : Uh... okay.
David Rose : ...which got a bit complicated.
Stevie Budd : Yeah, so... you're just really open to all wines.
David Rose : I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?
Stevie Budd : [smiles] Yes. That does.
134
@David Rose
All wines are made with a mix of different grapes.
At least in the "educated " world .
That is the art of making wine .
There are no "rose " grapes either .
7
Way to spoil a joke- with straight man commentary (pun intended)
It’s a reference to the show schitts creek; wine specifics are beside the point (look up the scene if unfamiliar)
60
Another tiresome, fraught account that is important to the author but not the rest of us. Why is the Times obsessed with nonconforming individuals?
45
@ taipei
“Non conforming individuals?” Seems right out of China’s playbook.
46
Conformity leads to groupthink and marginalization of communities.
46
The LGBTQ community should not be blamed for rejection of me, but the White Patriarchal system they had to rely on to convince the world to accept them. The narrative: Gays are "born that way" and heterosexual people need not fear "turning gay" by accepting gays, that gays marriage is traditional marriage, only that it is "same sex marriage" now, that parents need not fear the bigoted trope that the LGBTQ community will interfere in the private sphere of their child abuse of any of their kids they deem "sinful" because of the color of the clothes they wear or their gender expression. Bisexual and/or transgender people challenge the neat, tidy, narrative that corporations have fed America in order to win the limited gains in LBG-only rights that corporate America then shoves down the throats of those misguided by their religion to oppose those same LGB-only rights. While religious people are seething with misdirected resentment towards the LGBTQ community, because corporate America strong-armed them into tolerance, corporate America will never accept Bisexual people, because that is a potential threat to the majority of America. Transgender people will only be accepted if they wait until they are 18 before accepting any gender affirming care, which means life-saving, temporary puberty blockers that prevent many of the painful surgeries needed to transition after 18, because corporate America cannot find a dumbed down slogan to sell human rights to their customers.
15
People have agency and are responsible for their actions
12
@AS
dang!
3
Oh, the horror. Not "fully accepted"!
When, at the Times' urging, everyone accepts everyone else as the wonderful, brilliant, deserving, virtuous and just plain dastardly good wonder everyone is convinced he/she/they is; and also, on demand, everyone sees race and gender or doesn't see race and gender (maybe we should wear buttons, which provide our preference?), then what?
50
Why do people think they have a right to dictate what others think of their sexual practices? No one should be subject to violence or discriminatory ACTS based on their sexual practices but, good Lord, I am tired of people demanding that everyone else behave in the manner they want because they like to have sex with a particular group or in a particular way. I simply don't care if this woman likes sex with men, women, both, none, whatever, and I'm not going to pretend I have some special obligation to approve or support whatever it is she chooses to do with whoever she chooses to do it.
68
Nobody’s asking you to behave any way but respectful, that’s always been a common theme in polite society, even before the sexual revolution.
59
I knew I (a bi woman) would regret opening this comment section. The rampant stereotypes about bisexual people (can't be monogamous, overly sexual etc.) are disgusting. Bisexual people need support and acceptance. If you don't understand what it's like to be bisexual, keep your comments to yourself. Especially on on article explaining that bisexual people suffer mental and physical health disparities BECAUSE of stigma like the nonsense in the comments here. Shameful.
162
Very tired of reading headlines (I really don't read the articles) about how people choose their sexual pleasure. It's a non-issue.
40
When a gay man has sex with a "heterosexual" man, neither party believes this liaison is within any community. If there is a relationship at all it is sexual and not emotional and only rarely social.
And there are "heterosexual" men who transition to gay men and this can result in a regular relationship that is sexual, emotional and social.
But all bets are off if the partner is "bisexual" and insists on occasional sex with female persons. It's a rare gay man who would put up with that.
14
@DavidS
It's also pretty hard to find a straight woman who would be thrilled that her male partner has occasional sex with men if monogamy is what they've agreed to. Fortunately, many of us bi folks can function monogamously if we've committed to a relationship.
34
@DavidS
Most people I know regardless of sexual orientation don't want to put up with a partner who needs to have sexual conquests or ongoing sexual relationships outside of the relationship they are already in.
It is one thing to be open minded and accepting of people who have a different orientation but when partners in a relationship stray it isn't really a partnership is it?
37
This comment section seems to illustrate the points made in the article--except most of those who have commented seem not to have read or recognized their own stereotypes as being knee-jerk stereotypes rather than reality.
Yep, bisexual people are threatening to everyone. Sadly this confirms it.
83
@Susan Love your response. Totally agree. I still hear and see Homophobia in this comment section. I do think all of the right-wing religious nonsense is a big pain in the butt. They are very hostile to most people they do not even know. They suffer from delusional thinking, and all of their political rants are a waste. Their fears are apparent as soon as they open their mouths, like the last president.
We can, and do ignore them, or laugh at their fears
of anyone who is different. These folks will never change, because they have all the religious lies they are fed every day. They love the myths.
"Jebus" is not a hateful guy, just dumb as a bent nail.
12
@Susan Actually, no one really cares, but why force it on people. I don't know, nor do I want to know or care, about others' sexual preferences.
26
@martin
you misspelt jesus, marplin, whose whole point was to love our neighbors as ourselves
as we are all connected
isnt that what this article is trying to say?
2
Who cares what other people think ? One cannot change the world , all you can do is live your life as best you can.
20
@Irene Cantu OMG, you're so right! I'll tell my bisexual son that and I'm sure he'll feel A-OK for the rest of his life now!
29
Of course a good bit of this hand wringing is due to religious norms establishing the acceptable. Says this atheist.
22
@John Thank you for your comment. As a life long atheist, I am extremely happy that my parents did not drag us into ANY temple, church, etc. We were told to think for yourself...go to university and get an education
free of religions.
11
@John Not really. In athiest societies there are still strictures against homosexuality. It's about the social structure and reproduction.
4
Where is there an atheist society? And who wrote the strictures?
16
DON'T BE BI
They'll say
it's a passing phase:
"You'll grow out of it!"
They'll joke about finding a date
for Saturday night.
You'll spend your life staring at
Kinsey's Scale, wond'ring
where you fit.
Losing a lover of
ANY gender
will royally suck.
Don't be bi.
You'll be the third letter
in LGBTQ, and get nasty notes
from straight men believing you're gay.
You'll be seen as a vector
for sexually transmitted
disease. Women
will think you're cis,
and mutter beneath their breath
as you pass:
"Patriarch!"
"Patriarch!"
"Patriarch!"
L/J
10
Please correct L16 to read:
"You'll be called a vector...."
Thank you.
2
This article doesn’t address the fundamental challenge for bi people: monogamy.
27
Why is monogamy held up as the only option? When will poly be taken seriously as a legitimate relationship structure?
26
@Ems
It is taken seriously by the very few people who can do it. For most of us, it’s way too complicated emotionally (and logistically..). I can’t imagine having my personal life be that complicated, one other human is plenty.
51
@Cory Why would monogamy be any more challenging for bi people? Having a wider array of people they are attracted to doesn't render them any less committed or desiring of monogamous relationships.
116
"She felt like her queerness alienated her from her straight friends, and her relationships with men prevented her from fully relating to her gay friends."
This woman seems to have plenty of dating experience with men, and plenty of dating experience with women. She also has plenty of heterosexual friends and plenty of gay friends. She has at least enough of all of these things to draw conclusions. This person seems truly blessed and has a richer life than most people can imagine.
Many men truly struggle to find relationships with women, even to get a date. It can be said that their "sexuality is not accepted by their community." However, if they complain, they are mocked and derided and labelled as bitter incels.
I don't think this woman realizes how good she has it. If the Times wanted an article on bisexuality, i think a man's perspective would be much more interesting as bisexual men are significantly less accepted than bisexual women.
Lastly, "her relationships with men prevented her from fully relating to her gay friends." Well, duh. I think this is to be expected, and she has no right to complain about that.
52
@Truthlemonade Pretty sure there isn't really a heterosexual "community". The heterosexual "community" is most of the human race. The LGBTQ identity and sense of "community" exists (despite vast diversity within it) because the historic and present hatred, violence and discrimination directed towards people perceived as queer has required solidarity with others who experience this.
18
Re: some earlier comments & article in general:
It is neither stigma nor phobia to note that bisexual people can, and often do, enjoy the privilege of “passing” in straight culture while sharing the benefit of queer community. (See: Gov. Kate Brown of Oregon).
That said, it is NOT useful for LGBTQ community to fight amongst and devour ourselves, when the real problem is the narrow and rigid proscriptions around gender roles. The basis of homo/bi/trans-phobia is the fact that in loving who we love, we are ALL violating a nonsensical “rule” that only “men” and “women” are supposed to be physical and romantic intimates, and when we defy that nonsense, insecure people are terrified.
As to lesbian & gay discrimination against bisexuals, that often comes down to fear of infidelity, which is misplaced. Infidelity isn’t based in attractions, it’s based in actions. If anything, one ought be GLAD to receive the honesty of one’s partner in terms of disclosing sexual identity; it’s the hidden stuff — the stuff IN THE CLOSET — that tends to harm relationships.
May all Beings be loved. May all Beings be happy. May all Beings know peace.
103
@She Who Watches Thanks, Buddhist friend.
Namaste
7
There’s a point where being too different isn’t attractive anymore. Just because it’s hip doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
28
@RSM it’s not a choice. I tried to be straight, then gay. No dice.
35
Could you explain your point in a less pithy way? From what I gather, you just read an entire article about "identity invalidation" and then typed out a comment about how bisexuality is unattractive and trendy. Perhaps reflect on your choices.
36
@RSM It sounds like this may come as a surprise to you, but you're not the sole arbiter of who and what is attractive
30
Time to understand that the multiplying categories are only a reflection of the moment as we emerge from the suffocating oppression of the past. The reality is that human sexuality is too complex and dynamic to be categorized and doing so only exposes those complexities. Better to be who you are and love whom you love and to be accepted without stigma in that. One never knows who we'll fall in love with, after all.
25
Western culture had left many of us bisexuals, effectively, queer or straight in practice. Our culture demands monogamous marriage, and sexual fidelity, due to a long term plan by religious and state institutions to suppress clan based tribalism. These demands are part of the reason we have achieved the degree of financial success and peace we have in the west. Monogamy is good for society.
However, human desire has never been so simple. These restrictions and the cultural enforcement of them and the norms around them make expressing desires of bisexuality subversive. The only way we can prosper and be fully accepted by the culture is, essentially, to select one partner and keep them for life. Once we do that, it's easy, safer, and more social acceptable to identify as queer or straight, as the case may be.
12
@Edward Allen You seem to be confusing the concepts of bisexuality and polyamory, i.e. sexual orientation versus relationship style preference. I know plenty of bisexuals who are monogamous, and I know straight and gay/lesbian people who are happily polyamorous. I, as a bisexual woman, have had mostly monogamous relationships. But when I did once try involvement in a polyamorous situation years ago, I didn't end up being with both genders. I am more open to both relationship styles, in theory, but there are many bisexual people to whom monogamy is a strict personal must.
I also disagree with your statement that "monogamy is good for society" - inherently, with no imagination of what extra support networks a theoretical loving, committed polyamorous familial structure could bring? I suppose each way has its own pros and cons. But, I think it's very hard for many people to fully imagine the pros side of polyamory becoming more societally acceptable, as its so different from the society we're accustomed to. (On a related note - please also do not confuse "polyamory" with "sleeping around". Many of the first type of relationships are committed, supportive, and endure for years.)
14
@Edward Allen You seem to be confusing the concepts of bisexuality and polyamory, i.e. sexual orientation versus relationship style preference. I know plenty of bisexuals who are monogamous, and I know straight and gay/lesbian people who are happily polyamorous. I, as a bisexual woman, have had mostly monogamous relationships. But when I did once try involvement in a polyamorous situation years ago, I didn't end up being with both genders. I am more open to both relationship styles, in theory, but there are many bisexual people to whom monogamy is a strict personal must.
6
@Human
Sorry I wasn't more clear. I am talking about the cultural institutions that monogamy creates.
I am bisexual. I am married to a woman. I am effectively straight. My bisexuality is a political stance, effectively.
As for the ethics of monogamy, I point to the work of Joseph Henrich. Practically, monogamy works to break tribalism, increase the power of the state, and increase prosperity.
1
Adolescent sexuality is a minefield. Parental over-reaction complicates matters. Tread softly.
If you look at a picture of your child at ten, he or she may not resemble the person at twenty. Baby-faced boys might end up with an angular jaw and a heavy beard. There may be that degree of change in their personality, or ever their sexuality. OR THERE MAY NOT BE. It is not predictable.
It is a time of change, huge change, that can be frightening to all involved. Just love them, protect them, and try not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Children in general don't need labels. A kid with asthma should not go through the world as "My Billy, The Asthmatic." Yes, the sleepover mom needs to know that if his inhaler doesn't work, to promptly call you, but don't handicap him with the label.
Good luck.
29
Calling it a 'double closet' seems like a misnomer. It's simply a door that swings both ways.
18
@Liberty hound 'groan'
7
With the world burning up (climate), plague (covid), pestilence (Australia) it would seem that all of the internal handwringing over our sexual and gendered identities would be relegated to a lower place in our collective consciousness by now.
Can’t people accept each other for who and whatever they are, present as or want to be. You be you. Let’s get on with the real problems facing us collectively in this world and stop caring about sex and gender, which only matter to the individual.
22
@Mb I think that's the point -- we all need to ACCEPT each other so that we can work together to fight the good fights against covid and climate change, as well as share the joys in life.
If biphobia or any other form of intolerance continues to exist, we can't work together.
7
Rigidity, labeling, and judgmental attitudes make people miserable. Who would’ve guessed?
12
The older I get, the more gay I get. I can't explain it. I'm in my mid-50s now. I never started out as completely straight, but I was mostly attracted to the opposite gender so it was never confusing in terms of my actual relationships. And now I'm too old to care enough to be confused. It just is what it is. I accept it, and let it be.
Reading these comments makes me realize how silly all the labels are. I understand that "communities" (lesbian community, etc) help people who have been marginalized find a place to belong. But I am reading here about the rules for conduct and presentation that you must follow to earn that belonging and it just seems silly.
39
I don't see why this has to be such a big deal. I'm a woman, almost 70 years old. During my lifetime, I've had relationships with both men and women. I never declared myself to be bisexual or anything else. I simply lived my life, was open to experiences and opportunities and met and fell in love with a people without regard to their gender. I never found anything particularly strange about this. My family has always thought I was "quirky" and didn't have a problem with my relationships. My friends seemed to accept anyone I brought around. It wasn't something I planned, I never declared myself to be any particular sexual identity. Sometimes things happen in your life and you meet people and unexpectedly are attracted to them. I can't describe it any other way. I've never questioned it. It's just been my life. These young people needn't be so concerned about it. Life doesn't have to be so serious. You're allowed to change and grow. No need to state that you are this or that. Just live and enjoy and see what happens. Calm down.
94
Indeed!!!
13
@Ms. Pea
Young people tend to agonize over issues of identity. I know I did.
12
In theory, this would be a good attitude. But what happens when bisexual people are harassed or discriminated against, disowned by family? It sounds like you may have been lucky. Perhaps you never had a need to define yourself as bisexual, in part because your family and friends accepted you and your relationships regardless.
29
"Jessie Miller, 27, a graduate student in sociology at the University of Illinois at Chicago who uses they/them pronouns, came out as bisexual at 14 in a speech at a schoolwide assembly. They said they were never ashamed of their sexuality until their 20s, when both gay and straight friends and family started telling them they didn’t believe they were really attracted to women, and that they were going through a phase.
“It was other people who instilled in me that there was something wrong with me, that I didn’t know who I was,” they said.
Miller said they have struggled to find a therapist who understands the conflicting emotions around bisexuality and internalized biphobia. “It’s impossible to find the right support,” they said."
Am I right?
2
@Kerry Panavas Doesn't seem like it. It sounds like Jessie doesn't mind being called by either pronoun, rather than a preference for 'they'.
4
As a parent, I can very much relate to this article. The pressures being described are real. The LBGTQ+ community is not some perfect homogenous community on a moral high-ground above discrimination, but rather people like everyone else with their own feelings about who does and does not belong in this or that group.
People need to be accepted for who they are IMO. You are how you are. Will there be some people who go through a period of self-discovery? Yes. Are there some people who just know who they are and are honest with themselves about it? Yes!
18
@jbode It should read, "You are WHO you are.." mistyped
@jbode Sad and sorry to hear that the LBGTQ+ community doesn't sit up above discrimination. If that group - even though it has no HQ or membership cards or meeting, but depends on individual self-identification - isn't generous and accepting, then where can any who identifies as a member of those groups find acceptance? I imagined it was under that banner that all were free to be what and who they wanted to be and were accepted by everyone else under that banner.
4
What could be driving this experience is the ossification of in-group identity, driven by the perception of external threats. When we feel threatened, we instinctually retreat to whatever group we identify with. Which is sensible- if the barbarians are at the gate, you'd better find someone to fight with. This innate process of evolutionary psychology is driving much of the rise of tribalism. It then creates a reinforcing feedback loop, where the identity signaling of other groups (Proud Boys, BLM, etc) becomes a perceived threat to the group, leading to ever more rigid in-group loyalty tests.
22
The difference between BLM and Proud boys is that Black Lives really do matter.
24
@AS
simply put. nice.
3
@Metacognito It isn't just tribalism, it's a sense of having lost meaning and purpose. Finding an "identity" has become all important. We've lost ourselves somewhere along the line.
5
When a 14 year old girl “comes out as bisexual” at a school wide assembly, where are the adults — and her parents? The problem she had then was not “anti-bisexuality.” It was the adults around her utterly lacking maturity, common sense, and protective instincts towards a young daughter and student. No sane or responsible adult would allow a young teen to talk about her sexual preferences at a school assembly. When need to take back the teacher training schools from the lunatics destroying K-12 education just like they destroyed higher education.
49
@Tina Trent When I was 14, a student who was in some of my classes spoke about being bisexual at a school assembly. She was the only out queer person in my school of 3,000+ students. I became her friend and she was the first person I came out to. I would have felt that much more depressed, suicidal, and alone had she not been allowed to speak. Your impulse to “protect” students by silencing them is wrong, stigmatizing, and acquiesces to and furthers homophobia.
50
Being stigmatized for expressing emotions is wrong. Educating a young person on what they might be feeling gives them the power of knowledge and understanding. Young people have so many thoughts and feelings that they don’t understand yet. They rely on more mature people to help guide them and give them resources to help them figure out who they are.
13
@Tina Trent
Thanks for being part of the problem. School dance? Fine. Queer teens? Call the parents! Call the teachers! Oh my gawd that said "sex."
Seriously, it was adults like you that made my teenage life hell, and I suspect you are amongst those still making life hell for queer people.
26
I’m a 40-something bi woman who has been married to a man for over ten years. We have a couple of kids. I don’t even bother to tell new friends that I’m bi. I don’t tend to mention my past relationships with women. Sometimes I’ll throw in a comment about a woman being attractive or my “kind of having a crush” on so-and-so, but I think friends tend to assume I’m kidding. This article has me mulling all that over. I’ve always felt lucky that the person I happened to fall in love with was a man. Life is so easy when you’re heterosexual, and it so easily could have gone the other way for me. I feel guilty for having slipped into this easy life. And I feel not fully myself for hiding it sometimes. I appreciate this article for creating more space for the simple reality of bisexuality to be accepted.
97
@Katherine
I wonder if it’s that much different than having crushes on people of the same gender as your spouse. Other people are still going to be attractive sometimes. As the old saying goes, ‘I’m married, not dead.’ If you’re not cheating on your spouse, does it matter who you’re not cheating with?
46
@S.B. Exactly!
Does a spouse have to make a public issue of the fact that he or she may also be attracted to brunettes although their spouse is a blonde, etc.? Are they being sexually repressed by having to choose one hair colour over the other in a monogamous marriage?
Being bisexual only means the choice of who not to be adulterous with is broader.
4
@Katherine
I'm also a bi woman who is in a long-term relationship with a man. It is a weird conundrum: unless you volunteer the info, which isn't always appropriate, people will presume that you are straight. C'est la vie. I don't hide it but going out of my way to mention it isn't something I do at this point (I'm 55).
14
Well, insisting that people call you 'he/him' sometimes and 'she/her' at others, as one person does in this article, is definitely going to cause you some social problems.
60
@weary1 But is that your problem? (The answer should be obvious, but if it's not, it's "no")
6
@rrvr No, weary1 didn't say it was a "problem." Not for weary1. But it sure will be a challenge for anyone who meets up with the person who shifts between genders day by day. How do you keep track and how do you respond? Or do you? At all? Or do you gently push away and never go near that person again? Not because they're offensive, but because you have no way to know how to approach them without probably "getting it wrong."
Gotta say, I can't keep up with all of this. A lot of it is truly just out there. To get attention? To be different? To try and figure out who you might be? But don't know? And you think you *have* to share the search - hint: this has been going on for young people for THOUSANDS of years.
I do think if I announced I am "quadrasexual" - whatever that means - I might find not a few who'd say - insist - that they are, too! Even if that term makes NO sense at all.
14
If you are reading this and bi please know affirming community exists! You are valid and if someone is uncomfortable with your identity that’s on them. The sad part is most bi people I know stay in the closet precisely because we know we don’t share all the oppression of our gay and lesbian neighbors. It hurts to have people assume you’re something you’re not. I don’t know why this is so hard to understand.
44
I am a bisexual woman in my mid 30s.
When I came out as a teenager initially I thought I was a lesbian before realizing I was actually bisexual, but I was primarily interested in women and was very active in lesbian communities in college and my early to mid 20s. However, despite years of going to lesbian bars/parties/spaces all the time and having a social circle of queer women, I still found it difficult to find acceptance among lesbians because I "looked straight" but was not high femme in a performative way, and lesbians lost interest in me when I revealed that I had had one relationship with a man in my past. (I think another aspect of it was just that lesbians are often very scene-y and I was and am a shy person who didn't fit in with the cool girls.) I had a few girlfriends, one for two years, but had a very hard time dating in general and spent a lot of time single getting rejected over and over. Around age 30 I met a man through work and we dated for several years, and as as result of that relationship now people in my professional world think of me as straight. I don't correct them because I don't want them to think I'm just "seeking attention" or that I'm promiscuous, but hiding my identity and my past creates considerable stress.
I'm now single and am looking for a monogamous partner I could settle down and have a family with. I would like to try dating women again but I'm afraid that, like when I was younger, lesbians would not accept me no matter what I do.
49
@CB you don’t need to be accepted by “lesbians” to date a woman. Trust me. Just date and see what happens and who you meet.
11
I found this over at HuffPost:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/queer-gay-bisexual-lgbtq-christians_n_60da901be4b02f1aed4cb809
I suspect the religious bias underlies most societal judgement. Unfortunately, a man named Paul took up to writing about Jesus a lot, and he had a huge aversion to homosexual acts, and thus also bisexuality. He took certain homosexual acts, which apparently were common among outcast groups, as indications of the devil's work. Paul was a person, and he was flawed just as all of us are, and his viewpoints should not be given any kind of special treatment just because it's in the bible. It's an old book filled with a some wisdom and some stupidity.
Anyone struggling with sexuality, I'd advise to stay far away from churches and parishioners.
I've seen this played out with relatives very brutally. A relative of mine is gay and his father was a Baptist preacher. The kid went through all kinds of emotional convulsions. He joined a Russian Orthodox monastery for a while. Finally he moved to New Hampshire (live free or die!).
I stood up to his father and his family the best I could to back up the kid. Paul had no idea what he was talking about! No, this isn't a choice, it's genetics! No, Jesus didn't know this stuff, and no, Jesus never talked about sexuality at all! Never!
I'd simply advise for now, stay away from the church and it's ardent followers. They can be evil as the Devil.
26
@Snow Leopard
I always figured Paul for one of those people who "doth protest too much" on this subject.
8
For a lot of older millennials/young Gen Xers, coming out as bi was a stepping stone to coming out as gay or lesbian. Not every person who identifies as bisexual actually is, and that's okay, especially if it was more socially acceptable and physically safer to do so. Now young millennials/gen Z don't need that step stone, and again, good for them.
I am bisexual and monogamous, but even in my dating years, it didn't expand the field.
15
@Griffin I wonder if some of the lack of belief from the gay/lesbian community that someone is "really bi" is having seen people come out in the way you speak of, or having seen this represented in media. If a person is familiar with this pattern, they may be more likely to assume that someone who announces that they are bi is announcing this as a stepping stone to later coming out as gay or lesbian. Thus the "come on, just admit you're really a lesbian," which may feel uncomfortable, frustrating, invalidating, etc. to the person who is actually bi, might be intended by the lesbian (with no ill will) as "it's OK, you can move past the stepping stone and be who you really are."
3
As a girl, I first learned what the Kinsey scale was in 8th grade during a very progressive CCD class. (Looking back, I'm convinced that the religious education director at our Catholic church was queer and doing his best to help queer youth feel better about themselves--it worked!).
I vividly remember looking at that piece of paper with the Kinsey scale printed on it from 0 to 6 and knowing in an instant without a doubt where I would place myself.
In that instant, I saw the 0 (exclusively heterosexual) and knew that I couldn't honestly say that I belonged there. I saw the 6 (exclusively homosexual) and knew that I would not fit there either. I felt a rush of relief to see that there was a place where I could fit. In between.
I've been a 2 on the Kinsey scale for my entire life. I've only ever had relationships with men, and I've been monogamous and married to one man for nearly two decades. But I will never not be attracted to women (as well as to other men).
I don't announce my sexuality or introduce myself to others as bisexual. I'm not "claiming" to be bisexual. I just am. I exist. Thanks for reading.
P.S. I posted this before but it disappeared, so sorry if you see it twice.
82
@Born this way Your response reveals the discursive oddity of regarding sexuality always as an identity or internal process rather than as enacted praxis. There are probably advantages and disadvantages to both models, but in quite a few cases, such as yours, the disconnect between them is vast.
1
One of the most offensive questions you can ask someone who is gay is: Why did you decide to be gay? Yet so many of these comments are basically accusing people who are bisexual of choosing to be that way and telling them to 'make up their mind' to be gay or straight. Incredible hypocrisy here. Maybe you should also suggest a psychiatrist to fix the 'problem', or a church camp to straighten them out?
40
I am a gay man but am 100 percent straight acting in how I talk as well as other interests. I'm also good looking and have a good body.
There is jealousy that goes on from gender non-conforming gays, if you do masculinity better, and I'm sure the same thing goes for women who are more feminine.
I will say, the issues of masculine gay men are so radically different from those of the more feminine gender non-conforming gay men that, in a way, it's as if there should be two separate movements for both.
Gender non-conforming gays have no problem with sexual harassment laws. They don't have to officially "come out" in some way to a potential interest. What if you are masculine st8 acting gay and want other men who are masculine st8 acting too? Gender conforming enough so it's hard to tell them apart from someone who is straight -- or, at the very least, the cues are subtle.
Here is where it happens to be the case that there are a lot of straight men too who enjoy being flirted with by masculine st8 acting gay men - even if they might be homophobic with the more overtly gay ones.
I'm well built muscular athletic and good looking. And have been able to get my body really nice lately and perhaps a nice swagger going when I go to the gym. That really makes a big difference. But then I also like to put the vibes out. The guys clearly like that, and some of the guys who like it are straight, at least I think so. It's hard to tell. If I wanted to take it further, how do I know?
9
@Damian I think like with any other potential interest, you start a conversation. Ask if they're seeing anyone. Or ask about their plans for the weekend and see what they say. My now husband had a guy just reach out and kiss him in the gym locker room and he had to push back quickly and say whoa-not happening. They had chatted in the gym up until then, but the guy never asked. He didn't want to embarrass the guy, but it was the wrong move, and it was awkward for them after that, just as it would be for a hetero situation. I've had women tell me straight out that they're into women or men. We've had couples hit on us at bars. People are getting more vocal about what they are interested in, and are asking. Honestly, I think it is healthier and easier, once you get used to the idea.
6
We all begin life identifying with our mother but males eventually find that they belong to a different category while females rarely encounter such a challenge and they are far more comfortable with being affectionate with both males and females and rarely do people see it as odd. Males forever carry the scar that forms over their earliest sexual identity and are easily troubled by male to male affection. Wherever you find yourself just make the most of it.
9
OK, tongue in cheek. Maybe bisexual men need to market themselves differently. If they just say they're straight but curious--they would be embraced by a lot of gay men. I think there's truth in that lie, but lying about oneself is very defeating.
3
@Terry Lowman The way gay men are, if they say they are straight but curious, well look at their body parts and all that. If it's nice, gay men will swallow their pride and fool around with them. But, when they go write articles for mainstream publications, they will whine about it. Gay men of gender-non-conforming affect are resentful of all "straight but curious" who aren't sleeping with them. The ones who actually sleep with them? All is forgiven -- unless they refuse to come back for seconds.
5
Im no expert, and drawing no conclusions...but it sure seems like women, no matter their preferences...suffer from more mental health issues than males.
Os is that a bias in the industry? Maybe since more women enter programs, seek help, etc...? I dont know.
2
@Caesius
Well, you know, in Victorian times, there was a massive epidemic of fainting among women, especially upper class ladies who always had to go around bringing their smelling salts with them.
This was as bona fide mental health condition.
Whenever a man said anything gross or crude, a lady would faint. If something shocking happened, a lady would faint.
There was also such a thing as hysteria as well as wandering womb syndrome in women.
This was a bona fide mental health condition too.
Are we that different today?
5
@Damian There is no such clinical condition as "hysteria". This was a catch-all term applied exclusively to women for any inconvenient behavior. Nor is there any such clinical condition of "wandering womb". The uterus doesn't migrate to different parts of a woman's body any more than a man's testicles do.
As far as fainting, it may have had as much to do with tight corsets as with men's behavior, although it's possible it may have been more for manipulation of men than medical reasons.
15
@Damian
I thought that had something to do with wearing corsets...
9
This article is so important for me. I've had difficulty reconciling the "gay part of me" since the age of 12 on long island in the mid 2000s; a time when my identity was both confusing to me and a secret I thought I'd never reveal, even those who were "more obviously" gay but still in the closet in high school. The environment in long island was extremely hostile to queer folks, especially in low-incomes neighborhoods like the one I did. It wasn't until I moved to SF where I felt it was safe to be open and embracing -- and even still, only from a sexual standpoint.
To this day, when my queer friends ask me to do "gay things" I fear my sexuality not being taken seriously if I say no for any reason (thankfully my friends don't see this as "not being gay enough"). I've been on dates with women who leave shortly after revealing my homosexual experiences -- even when they themselves admit to their homosexual "experiments." I've only ever felt comfortable revealing my homosexuality to gay men; certainly no one in my family knows. Despite the openness people purport, I think it will take a long time before purely heterosexual folks who seek intimacy from me come to truly be unperturbed by my bisexuality identity.
14
I'm straight and I find so many of these comments absolutely jaw-dropping. I can't imagine how bad bi people feel reading them. They're portrayed repeatedly as if they are incapable of monogamy, for instance. Why should someone dating a bi person worry more about a cheating partner than a straight or gay person would? We all know people in committed relationships who cheat - straight people hardly have a lock on morality just because they're in the majority. Cheaters cheat because they aren't faithful to their partner, not because of the sex they're attracted to.
And the whole thing about whether someone looks at a Playgirl or a Playboy as proof of being gay/straight/bi -- really? I wouldn't even expect a 12 year old to suggest that.
And yes, we should all strive to not base our self-worth on what others think about us, but as the article pointed out, many of us first deal with our sexual identities when we are just kids, still living at home where we're subject to judgement (and worse) by family, church, and peers. How many of us here (whatever orientation) were REALLY all "I am who I am!" as young kids? Kids won't wear the "wrong" clothes or shoes to avoid ostracism, but they're supposed to be able to buck everyone when it comes to their sexuality?! And it's precisely early rejection, judgement, and invalidation that this article is talking about. Then those bi kids take that experience into adulthood with them, where they meet people like those commenting here.
75
@Alma Vera Amen! These comments are atrocious. Half of all self-identifying LGBTQ+ folks are Bi, yet we get abuse from the straights and the gays! We should just take our ball and go home. the L & G folks can have a half-sized pride parade next year and sometime in the not-to-distant future, us Bi-separatists cans build the utopia we want and wait for the huge, looming demographic shift to catch up with us. Won’t be in a relationship with a bisexual person? Best of luck to you in your ever dwindling binary dating pools. The next generation recognizes biphobia for what it is—gays and lesbians emulating the worst behavior of straights and both groups discriminating on the basis of innate characteristics.
20
The thing of it is is if you believe in ultimate goal of a lifetime monotonous relationship than once someone has committed to that they are either in a gay or straight relationship. Their sexual interest in anyone else…. either of their own or the opposite gender is in my opinion TMI. I don’t want to know who you might want to date if you shouldn’t be dating anybody. Before that, I’m happy to hear of your good and bad dates gay, straight or both.
7
@AJ Here's the thing, though. It's not just about knowing "who you might want to date if you shouldn’t be dating anybody." It's about knowing a very important part of who a person is that's relevant not just to their relationship, but in their whole life.
For example, I'm bisexual and currently married to a woman. But when I talk about my past dating experiences with friends or family, and I mention men I've been with, if someone doesn't know I'm bi, they either get confused, or they say something like "oh, was that before you knew you were a lesbian?" Both of which are untrue. People knowing I'm bisexual curbs a lot of stupid questions and unnecessary explanations.
Also, if I were married to a man instead of a woman, and we showed up at the Pride parade, the queer community there might look at me weird (or assume I'm a "straight ally," which I'm not) if I don't wear something proclaiming that I'm bisexual.
One's sexuality isn't only relevant within their relationship. It's a big piece of who a person is.
30
I'm a 49 year old bisexual woman who has been married to a man for the past 13 years. I just came out to my friends and family for the first time.
I never felt I needed to proclaim this and kept it hidden, easily "passing" for straight. But last year my 12 yo came out as pansexual and gender fluid and I realized that I was not being true to myself or mirroring self acceptance for my kid.
I am no longer going to hide anymore. I've been in monogamous relationships most of my life. I see sexuality as a continuum not easily definable buckets. Regardless of the gender of my partner, I'm still bisexual.
53
I’m bi but enjoy hetero-privileges and have been in a hetero marriage for almost 20 years. It’s tricky because making a point of coming out feels like claiming a stake in a struggle I never suffered from but keeping mum makes me feel like I’m not down with the cause. And plus, being attracted to men and actually following through with it are different. I haven’t been with a man, sexually since even longer than I’ve been married. I feel like with LGBT and maybe just a little b.
20
I’ve been in relationships with women and men both. I’m currently in a long-term hetero relationship. These days, I wouldn’t proclaim myself as bi or insist that people know that about me because, frankly, I think it would be disrespectful to the experience of people who live as gay full-time and experience the attendant challenges. Claiming the bi label, when I pass as straight and benefit from all the privileges a straight person enjoys, would be obnoxious. It would be treating gayness as if it’s a costume.
Sadly, that seems to be quite common these days; in the last several years, more and more “spicy straights” have started to treat “queerness” like it’s cosplay. They live straight lives and pass as straight, yet they go out of their way to put on what they consider to be “queer” identities. It’s no coincidence that this only started happening once society became generally excepting of gay people. These are people who want to appropriate “queerness” for themselves now that it’s no longer stigmatized. None of these people fought for gay rights back when it was actually risky to do so. Twenty years from now, the majority of them will be in hetero relationships and they will have forgotten their bi/pan/poly/demi/aero/ace “identities.”
33
Or can we attribute a distaste/distrust of bisexuals as just one more expression of tribalism that is afflicting our cohesion as a society. Instead of looking at our common factors, we look for our differences.
It’s fine for people to date and hang out with whomever they feel the most comfortable. But perhaps we’re taking the narrowing of our own personal communities too far. Why dismiss bisexuals as wannabes when at our core we are Not Straight?
Or course this propensity for sub tribes is not limited to sexual orientation. Skin color, language, religious and generational sub tribes abound. Witness last weekend’s kerfuffle about Lin Manuel Miranda not including enough dark skin Latinx actors in his latest movie.
It’s hard to see the benefit of relentlessly stratifying into such specific sub tribes. In my opinion, we have to pull together before we all fall apart.
20
Do you think you might be projecting a little? Or feel a bit superior because you HAVE had serious relationships with both sexes? Not all of us are so lucky.
See, I feel the same way whenever I consider “coming out” to adults in my life: That I’m too privileged in my perceived hetero-ness, that it’s attention-seeking, that I’m being a poseur. That I’d make people (including my husband) uncomfortable for no good reason. That my friends would think I was hitting on them.
I don’t even like thinking of myself as bisexual, because the word has so many negative connotations: Predatory, trendy, promiscuous. So I think of myself as “not-straight”.
But it’s lonely. I want who else in my life (mostly married parents in their 30s and 40s) might be “not-straight” too. We’ve all done done COVID-imposed soul searching this year. Maybe we can take it easy on people who are coming to terms with themselves? Maybe we can not assume the worst of them...?
29
@Rea It sounds me to like you are being disrespectful to your past experiences and bisexuality. Were you cosplaying gay when you were in a same sex relationship? Why would you assume others are?
Who exactly is allowed to use the bi label, do they have to equally alternate between men and women to be "valid"? Do they have to forfit their bisexual identity as soon as they are in a monogamous relationship?
I am bisexual and have been married to a cis het man. I'm still a full time bisexual regardless of who I date.
Your comment just shows how far we still have to go for bisexual acceptance, even bisexual people discount themselves as invalid.
24
Just a few thoughts about this interesting article.
Seems like the trigger for the depression may come from a lack of acceptance and support. Those two concepts deserve to be separated. Acceptance, of course. Our society has many areas where acceptance of others’ lifestyles is getting better. Allowing that there is still a lot of work to do on a number of fronts, things are certainly better than they were just a couple decades ago.
As for support, sorry to be a bit callous, but I see no huge need to always have to signal resounding support for the LGBTQIA, etc. lifestyles. Maybe the people who are stuck in the ruts their feelings bring are just being socially astute. Maybe society is just a bit weary of always having to support all these fast evolving, sexuality driven definitions of other people’s lives. There are literally dozens of issues (too numerous to list here) far more important to my life and my worldview.
Perhaps this article needed to dig a little deeper psychologically to examine whether growing narcissism, which is causing negative trends and outcomes throughout wider society, is a real culprit here.
“Look at me, look at me, you always have to sensitively regard and tend to my feelings!” No, in fact I don’t.
It’s a much bigger world out there, I have neither them time nor inclination to give this extended navel gazing much regard. This, despite the fact that a whole psychological/academic infrastructure has emerged to cater to this hypersensitive outlook.
29
@Jim M A desire to be recognized and treated with respect and consideration does not equal narcissism.
18
Is it possible that the mental anguish from being bisexual comes from occupying two different worlds? I’m fully aware of life’s ambiguities. Things do fall along continuums/spectrums. But I am also aware that being an adult means drawing lines in the sand; committing to one thing or another—not both; and making executive choices and accepting that no choice is perfect. It appears to me that people who live with open ended choices tend to be unhappier in the long run.
12
I am a woman in a same-sex marriage and had long-term relationships with men before this, so I want to share from that perspective -- for whatever it's worth. 1) I still don't have a label that feels like me. It confused me many years ago, but now it's really not something I think about much. People assume I'm lesbian. They are wrong but honestly, unless we are close friends and this comes up in a comfortable setting, I leave it alone. 2) It is not uncommon for gay people to mistrust the fact that someone insists on the label "bi." This is not because we are close-minded or prejudiced; it is because being gay in a straight world is something that often costs a lot -- friendships, jobs, a sense of belonging -- and there is something safe about being among other queer people because there is a shared understanding. I am not saying it is fair, but I do feel a bit guarded with people who want to be known as bisexual. It feels a bit like they are telling me upfront that they want the camaraderie of the gay community but they aren't going to let go of their straight privilege. There are lots of people who have had relationships with both genders who do not refer to themselves as bisexual. I have zero discomfort with these folks. If you tell me you are bisexual, I immediately wonder why it is so important to you that I know this about you.
70
@Alexis - Actually, for me - a bisexual woman with a male life partner of 30+ years - the way to hold onto straight privilege would be to NOT mention that I'm bisexual. Then people will assume I'm straight. Coming out as bi, on the other hand, feels risky in many settings.
I would gently encourage you to try to let go of your guarded feelings (kudos to you for honestly acknowledging them), as I do think they're unfair, as you hinted at.
233
@Alexis "It feels a bit like they are telling me upfront that they want the camaraderie of the gay community but they aren't going to let go of their straight privilege"
if you've read the article at all, you'd find that bi people are actually lacking support from both communities. and, you can't change the way someone feels. bi people aren't both gay and straight. they're BI. attracted to both men and women. biphobic people like you are exactly why bi people are afraid to come out. because even though you're part of the lgbtq community, you're stigmatizing them and judging them instead of providing support.
200
@Alexis It's important because it's authentic and honest. To say that I'm gay - that is, strictly attracted to women - is neither of those things.
49
Maybe this comment will actually be posted this time; but everyone needs to move past the idea that communities, whether it’s black, gay, lesbian, whatever, owe anything to anyone outside it.
I’m a gay male. I live my life through the gay experience. I can empathize with bisexual people; but the constant demands that I watch what I say or just, I don’t know, consume media through a bisexual filter means erasing my identity and how I see the world. I don’t date bisexual men, not out of fear of infidelity, but because they don’t share the same lived experience as me and they don’t get me. It’s not like being bisexual gives you a perspective into being both gay and straight; it gives you the perspective of being bisexual.
I’ve never expected others to validate my sexuality and I expect the same in return.
55
I agree completely. I love my bi sisters (and brothers, though I don’t know many of them) and empathize with them, but it is just not the same as being homosexual. I am also frustrated by this frequent rhetoric that it is on us (gay and lesbian people, though frequently it’s lesbians who are demonized for being exclusionary) to manage bisexual peoples’ existence in the community when when that study the article references clearly shows that there’s almost twice as many bisexuals as there are homosexuals. It’s not the same experience. It just isn’t, and we can empathize with bisexual people while acknowledging that our experiences are different.
22
@Lily You're right - "It’s not the same experience." It's a different experience that deserves respect.
No one is saying that it's exactly the same struggle. It's a different struggle with different challenges. But we don't need to have an Oppression Olympics about it. Bisexual people talking about the harm they face from both straight and queer people doesn't take away from your suffering as a lesbian. This isn't a contest.
40
Older 56 year old bisexual man (married to a woman and raising two young children) raising his hand to be counted and to be seen. I'm not a fan of identity politics and I'm otherwise white, male, and middle class so I'm deeply ambivalent about hopping onto this bandwagon, but I've been out to people close to me and to one or two colleagues, so now I can come out in the NYT. I'm bisexual and I love it!
41
I am a communist. Who struggles like everyone else. That already pushes everything -- any and all issues -- over into the marginal where survival is the real gravitas underneath the surface of the trivial. Marginal lives. Straight lives. Gay lives. Bisexual lives. Sex. Gender. Art. Aristocracy. Class. Caste. I can hang out in any of these worlds. The gay universe is about money. In 50 years of rubbing shoulders, I have not been able to make one gay friend. They won't even look at me. Gay men hate me. Gay relationships just weren't in the cards for me. I tried. Everytime I tried, contempt would emerge from anyone I wanted to know better than I did. Finally, after years of this, I have given up. I can fit into the straight universe at will. It's not like there are armed guards protecting access to the Borg Queen. Not one of those gay men would know me at all. I pound away at enough brick walls. Gay men see me as evil. Straight men see me as indifferent because I am indifferent. I don't want to know anyone. It's not worth the grief. I have nothing in common with gay men. I have nothing in common with straight men. Gay men do not think that bisexuality is real. Straight men get titillated but there is no there there. Life is too short to be in love with anyone. I do not want relationships. With anyone. I want all of it to just please go away.
5
@Tim Barrus I hear you. What I find surprising is that, as a professed communist, you don't seem to have any political analysis of your situation. It seems clear to me, as a gay man (of a certain generation, yes), that the politics of gay sexuality was to make space for a maligned identity. It seems clear to me that bisexual-identified people can be perceived as a threat to lesbian/gay political gains, where a bisexual person can choose to pass and gain the privileges of perceived heterosexuality anytime they wish, as long as they "pass" as straight (not all can, I understand). When it comes down to personal relationships, this meta-cloud hovers over all, for those of us who fought hard, lost much and many, and are still fighting hard for political viability, i.e., true equity. Is this analysis clarifying?
2
I long for the day when we recognize sexuality as being along a continuum, as I think of it, and we accept everyone no matter where on the continuum they are. If they are hurting no one, then there should be no judgment. We are enough as we are.
56
Oh please! Everybody is a little bi and attracted to our own sex. We used to call it a “crush”. So what! It’s natural. Those that say “no” or “never me” have deeper problems. Nothing to be ashamed of. It’s part of life.
44
@Wanda Skutnik oh I see. you get to define total strangers but they better dare not define you.
9
No. My partner is not bi. I know you mean well, but there are heterosexuals, bisexuals, gays, lesbians, and asexual people, among other orientations I probably am unaware of. Also people who have gender dysphoria seek gender-affirming medical intervention, unless they are living in one of our theocratic states.
6
If a person's sexual identification is what makes you uncomfortable with them, that's your problem. It's on you to do better.
People may not have always identified as bisexual but bisexual people have been around since the beginning of time.
45
There is something galling about being asked to be a Gay and Lesbian ally and to be asked to stand up against transphobia - and to do so happily, willingly, energetically- only to learn that there is bi-phobia coming in the queer community. Acceptance, support, equality has to be for everyone, from everyone.
57
I'm a 46-year-old gay man in L.A., and I have never met a man who openly dates men and women. I see men with "bi" in their online profiles, but this usually means that they have a wife or girlfriend, but hookup with guys on the side.
14
@Chris
I believe you. I am sure you have met several women who openly date both men and women. Why not men?
If a man proclaims his bisexuality, he is immediately decreasing his chances with women by a significant amount.
18
@Truthlemonade
If a man proclaims his bisexuality, he is immediately decreasing his chances with women by a significant amount.
I'm a straight man. In my experience, while women claim they want a sensitive man, most women are repulsed by any weakness or femininity in men.
Ax ex thought I had cheated on her. I had not.I was torn up by the the idea that she thought I'd been unfaithful. I begged her to believe me. She, for the first time in our relationship, looked at me with disgust. She would much rather have had me cheat on her than have me wail and whimper about not having cheated on her. I've learned to never show weakness to women. I can coo over babies and get silly with puppies. That's adorable to women. I could cry over the death of parent. But I can't show emotional weakness regarding intimacy or trust.
The moment Macbeth displays lack of resolve, Lady Macbeth excoriates him. Shakespeare knows everything.
11
@averyt
Well, yes, women perhaps do not like bisexual men who want to hook up with their image of what gay men are -- the overtly gay ones we see in the media.
But what about the more masculine types of gay men the mainstream media never talks about, who are drawn to athletic stuff and places like the military? E.g., who are more "hyper-masculine?"
If there was more visibility about THOSE kinds of gay men, would women become more accepting of bisexuality in their own partners? I think so.
I think what women don't want is the notion that their boyfriend likes to hob nob with those hairdresser and interior decorator types.
Because there is some kind of gender policing going on, where both sexes have tastes that tend to result in occupational societal gender segregation -- and if you only studied the economics of trade and "comparative advantage," you will find economic theory itself predicts that occupational gender segregation would produce greater economic efficiency.
So, it's as if humans socially evolved in such a way as reflects what economists predict regarding the advantages of international or long distance trade.
1
Others are jealous that bisexuals have twice the fun. If I were bisexual in a relationship with another bisexual, the possibilities of adventure would quadruple.
3
@Eastbackbay
Only if both of you are ok with being in an open relationship. I think that is definitely worth mentioning. It is not the default for bisexual people to be in an open relationship.
31
Many of the comments here are totally disgusting and really speak to the adversity faced by many bisexual people like myself. I've had men and women I was dating drop me like a rock when I told them I was bisexual. On one occasion, a heterosexual woman told me she was no longer interested in me after I told her I was bisexual despite us being exclusive. This hurt me very badly but she didn't seem to care. About a week later she asked to see me again, admitting she had "made a mistake." I told her that I didn't feel safe with her and wished her good luck.
An ex-boyfriend of mine tried to convince me for months that I was actually gay but eventually came to understand that I was in fact bisexual.
I'm not sure why so many people have such a strong negative reaction to bisexual people. Perhaps it's because they question their own sexuality which makes them feel uncomfortable?
Also - all of the commenters making remarks about bisexual men spreading STDs to heterosexual women - try using a condom and take some responsibility for your own sexual health! Better yet, don't have unprotected sex with someone you aren't monogamous with or can't truly trust!
Vilifying bisexual men (or women) might make you feel better about your own negligence but the fact of the matter is you are the only one responsible and liable for YOUR sexual health.
126
@Sean G.
I think bisexuals are denigrated because of the whole blatantly counter-intuitive man-bashing gender ideology propagated by the humanities in academia.
The American Psychological Association derides "toxic masculinity" all the time -- and is made up of men who, even when straight, are more of the "gay interior designer/hairdresser" ilk in their affect and style.
However, actually, there are gay men who are hyper masculine too and interested in all that masculine stuff. They also tend to be far more hedonistic in bed.
The religious right is constantly full of denunciations regarding the "gay lifestyle" -- where those denunciations are based solely on what gays do in bed, and not how morally or immorally they treat one another as individuals.
It somehow works for the humanities professions with gender ideology to go argue that gay men have "overcome" all the badness (what THEY call badness) of toxic masculinity, by embracing their more feminine selves, which are automatically good.
Academia is a business that wishes to attract female humanities majors spending big bucks on four year and graduate degrees. So they pretend toxic femininity doesn't exist.
The current LGBTQ political scene consists of gays and lesbians of more feminine bent, excluding masculine gays AND masculine lesbians. And will not recognize any of the damage man hating feminism does both to the more masculine elements of both gay and lesbian scenes.
3
There are young gay people who describe temsleves as bisexuals as they have yet to come to terms with their homosexuality, particularly if they come from a conservative family. I have also known a heterosexual man who was bisexual largely because he enjoyed sex with anybody.
In areas of the Middle East, including Afghanistan and Pakistan homosexual sex among men is common. But with a caveat. The man on top doesn't consider himself gay.
12
@Mark Ryan
2nd paragraph: Sure, but what if they take turns?
3
@Truthlemonade, The aggressors usually target teenage boys in Afghanistan and Pakistan. There was a recent article in the Times where in Pakistan there was a feud between two families. One family raped both brother and sister of the other family. Of course for the girl it was shameful, but the boy it was not.
5
Sexual 'stigma' from being whom one is arises from people who are
1) ignorant, and/or
2) use and view their own sexual orientation as a religion, a dogma, likely defined in very controlled/-ing ways.
Either way, new friends are in order.
As well, one need not wear one's sexuality as if a coat. There is no need to show it off much less show it to anyone unless in some fashion or mode of the "dating game" (whatever the PC word for attempting to attract someone else to you).
This country is horribly repressed sexually. As someone who finished a BFA in art very late in life (late 50s), I can say that many people - kids, professors, and artists - are very, very uncomfortable about the mere nude form (body). Few seem to be able to separate the sexual from the physical, see the beauty beyond genitalia. That says to me that there's a lot of repression, a lot of shame, fear, guilt, and more. Ignorance too.
And with everyone labeling themselves in myriad ways today, creating those "identities" to parade in front of everyone else, it makes for a very sad scene because it isn't healthy, and the expectation(s) that everyone will someday be accepting of everyone else regardless of what coat he, she, it, they, (etc.) is wearing is not realistic.
And it need not be.
Life would be miserable if I had to care what you all thought of me.
Be you for you. You'll attract same-sorts. But let the coat be a coat too, and don't expect everyone to think it's groovy.
6
it is sad..
So many just don’t “get it.” People can be attracted to both sexes, physically and emotionally. If you do not understand or accept that, shake off your biases and walk in your own direction. Love is love. Eroticism comes in many forms.
23
I'm a bisexual woman involved with a bisexual man for almost 26 years. We both are so glad we found each other because before that it was exhausting to deal with both gay and straight people who just don't get it....
I will disclose my orientation if asked and sometimes will volunteer the information if it seems like the other person is an isolated bi person who needs to feel less alone. My partner and I have attended BiFriendly.org group meetings to find community and seek out those groups when we travel.
We have met many bisexual people who never come out to anyone unless it is in a BiFriendly group. There's just too much discrimination from both gay and straight folks. It's sad but true...
44
It seems to me that the cognitive dissonance felt by lesbians and gay men when they face rejection might be amplified in bisexuals and has less to do with acceptance by lesbians and gay men and more to do with homophobia and misogyny. After all, it's not heterosexual attraction that is a source of distress, but same sex attraction. The commenters who acknowledge the absurdity of attaching any significance to gender attraction are spot on. However, I do take issue with lesbian/gay men blaming for the distress felt by bisexuals--straight society's homophobia is the issue.
7
Unsurprised that many of the comments here reflect the exact type of stigma mentioned in this article. It's almost as if these articles only get clicks because folks see the word "bisexual" in the headline and decide "Well I'm not going to read all of that, but I will whine in the comments because these people are different from me and that annoys me!"
Choosing compassion and choosing to listen, especially to groups of people who feel so invalidated it costs them their mental health, isn't hard. If you are one of those feeling so hard-pressed about why this article exists, I only ask you to listen to one of us without, for once, making it about yourself. The lived experiences of others won't always be the same as your own. Learn to learn from other people.
And shame on the New York Times for constantly approving comments that do nothing to foster constructive conversation, and instead enforce all of the harmful viewpoints this article was meant to address in the first place. What's the point of the article then?
130
Really??? Are gay men and lesbian women so fragile that they can’t enjoy sex with someone of the same sex who also happened to sleep with others of the opposite sex? What kind of mental and physical anguish could possibly be perpetrated upon the gay men and lesbians in this situation?
15
@Sandra Bisexual people do not cause harm just for existing as they are. In what way is someone damaged physically and emotionally by not knowing about the full extent of their partner's sexual preferences? Talk about prejudice and victimhood.
@dfromca
85% of the time, the comments are more useful than the article. Please.
4
I too am bi.
Bi myself.
20
@James
Are you a chronically single heterosexual man? I am, and this article makes me think, "I should be so lucky."
2
Perhaps when we accept that our self worth doesn’t have to depend on how many people “like” you it will.
7
It is kind of like saying that one is a Democrat Republican. They would not be accepted buy either organization. A bi lady told me that she spent the night at a gay women's home and was shocked when she slept alone in the guest room. It is like the old saying "it is hard to have it both ways".
11
No, it’s more like saying I like Chinese food and Italian food. It’s possible to like both equally for different reasons. It’s not a mutually exclusive philosophy like politics tends to be, so your analogy is wrong.
147
@John This is a nonsense comment from someone who clearly does not understand or accept that bisexuality is an authentic one.
67
This comment section is putting on full display, and reinforcing, everything said in this article. People in here are tripping over themselves to take offense that someone could love another person regardless of gender. "They have to make a choice" "They're just gay or straight but haven't decided yet" "They shouldn't care about what anyone thinks". You would think many of the people in these comments didn't read the article for how well they are mimicking the problems cited within.
You don't choose who you love and some of us aren't limited to closing ourselves off based on what gender someone else is. Much like someone perfectly straight or gay, bi people are able to fall in love with someone and remain faithful to them without feeling that they need to get out there and have sex with everyone who's open to them.
215
Why is your sexuality a matter for public discourse? Is nothing private anymore?
56
@Joann, I agree. I may sound positively Victorian here, but I'm old enough to (barely) remember when what people did in their bedrooms was their own business, period, and nobody took it out to the streets.
If your whole life revolves around what you do with what you've got in your pants, you need to get some more hobbies.
43
Because sexuality has been and is a political weapon. Period.
24
@Joann -- Heterosexual people are free to talk about their lives. Why should gay people be expected to never say a word about theirs? Just saying the word "partner" gives a hint that the speaker is revealing his/her sexuality. If a man refers to his husband, it's enough to raise red flags in the listener, and lets listeners know the speaker's sexuality. Gay people never need to say, "I am gay." It becomes apparent as they just live their normal lives. It's not the gay population that has made homosexuality a big deal. It's the straight population that has done it, by believing they are entitled to never have to hear or see a gay couple doing something as simple as holding hands in the street, something that heterosexual couples do routinely, or describing a trip they took, or talking about their wedding, or a thousand other ways people let others know about their lives. Just as with non-gay people, everything in a gay person's life isn't about sex. It's just living a life and wanting to speak about their lives the same way you speak about yours. It's just that when a gay person does that, it becomes a political act because so many non-gay people believe they shouldn't have to hear it.
42
If there were no "disparities" left to uncover, the NYT would likely go out of business.
"No one makes you feel inferior without your permission."
--Eleanor Roosevelt, former first lady
21
Eleanor had a female partner who loved her in a way her cheating husband should have. I'm glad she had someone in her life to treat her right.
7
I love the quote. Meanwhile - Was Eleanor not then cheating too ?
2
I don’t really understand why people would make a fuss about their partner’s general sexuality. If my wife were bisexual, it wouldn’t bother me at all. I already know there are other men she finds attractive. What matters is that she chose and continues to choose to be with me(and vice versa). When it comes to long term relationships, once you find someone with whom you share sufficient mutual attraction, other factors should be far more meaningful.
64
Who on earth feels fully accepted by their community?
43
@Stewart Desmond boom.
2
Most people, in my experience as a perpetual outsider.
2
Sexual orientation is a private matter. So, no need to tell the world.
18
@tj I hope you know this applies not just to LGBTQ+ folk but also to every straight person you know who tells you about their spouse.
45
Is this really a surprise?
3
I've always felt that most people feel varying degrees of same sex attraction at different stages of life. Many learn to repress same sex attraction as they discover how judgemental their potential opposite sex partners are. I also feel that much of male homophobia stems from the desire to repress one's own same sex attraction with the need assert one's "straightness" out of a fear of being perceived as less than "masculine." The prospects seem better for younger people who, at least at this stage of life, are more open minded and accepting of a wide range of sexual attraction.
14
Not sure what to make of this. Doesn't sexuality span a wide gray area? I genuinely don't care what someone's sexuality is, at least not someone I don't know enough to know private details of their lives. Honestly, every female partner I've had has been bi- I didn't care because we were monogamous, and I sure hope they didn't feel a portion their identity was being suppressed by only being with a person of one gender. Sometimes feels like we're busy trying to feel special, and find community. But we're all unique without having to rely on societally-defined classifications based on sexuality (or gender, for that matter). I can completely understand and empathize with the plight of a gay/lesbian/trans person not able to love the person they want or be their true selves; I guess bi people also feel that lack of opportunity, which is sad. To those who are judging bi people for not being gay enough, or for being too gay...just judge people on the quality of their character, treat everyone with respect, and mind your own business.
26
I'm a 71 year old bisexual man. I've known I was bi since puberty. Never really had a problem about it but don't usually feel the need to proclaim my sexuality to the world in general. I would say that I've received more negative reaction from LG folks than straight folk but all in all, most of the people that know of my bisexuality say little, if anything, about it.
32
@Bob F So you were truly and unambiguously having crushes on both boys and girls when you were young? You were just as happy with a playboy as with a playgirl magazine as a teen? I always wondered about this. As a gay man.. the idea of sex with a woman is just about as appealing as moving a couch for a friend. But men... OMG... I get weak in the knees for a handsome man. I guess I am gay!!! :)
3
@Jean claude the damned - as a bi cis man I can answer yes to all those questions. There's a common misconception that bisexuality is equal degree of attraction for both genders. I am not even sure how you would measure that: is it out of all men & women on earth? counting the partners you've had of each gender? counting playboy vs playgirl mags? Bisexuality exists in a spectrum and no one should feel any less bi whether it's 50/50 or 80/20 or if they have no clue of their own split... who's counting? how you identify & not feeling erased by others' doubts is what matters.
35
@Bob F
You say that straight people didn't really have a problem with you being bi. But how did straight women feel in regards to dating you?
6
As someone who identifies as bi-sexual and has for a long time, this article rings true. After doing some digging last year I found a community of married bi-women on Married Bees, which is a community on Mighty Networks. It’s been great for my mental health.
20
@CMH If you are truly bisexual then you are attracted to your wife as a woman. Why then do you need to seek out others who are also attracted to men like yourself? What is the relevance? Are straight men hanging out with other women than their wives to share that they are attracted to other women? I will never understand why bisexual people are not able to just settle down with the single partner they have chosen (of either gender) and call it a day. What is the need for a support group?
6
@Jean claude the damned Bisexual people ARE able to settle down with a single partner. But that doesn't mean they don't still find people attractive. They're married not dead. The same thing goes for straight people. They still find people attractive, but they've made a choice and committed to their husband or wife. Settling down doesn't negate someone's sexual orientation.
31
One thing I’ve noticed is that most articles discussing bisexuality steer way clear of men. Huh.
42
Depending on others for approval is a quick route to depression, anxiety, and self hatred, no matter who you are. As a gay man who came out in the 70s, one of the positives was learning to approve of myself and learning to ignore those who didn’t.
15
Why is this a surprise? And why is it viewed not as it should be .. at its root a very difficult situation ?
I'm basically a gay man .... but, I had very successful relationships with women and did not fully come out t until I was in may later 20's . This was partly the times ...late 80's ...but, it was me as well.
Thankfully -- I was very open with my later girlfriend and so don't have any guilt about what occurred. But, tell me .... who wants to have a relationship with a Bi person? How does that work ?
So -- what am I -------80/20 ..70/30 ? One needs to make a choice and I'm eternally grateful I'm not 50/50.
Being gay reduces your partner potential as it is ... being Bi reduces it further and makes it almost impossible to find a suitable partner. If the goal would be to stay bisexual
4
What. Why? If you're bi that shouldn't effect a thing if you have found someone you love with all your heart. People who claim to be 100/0 or 0/100 don't constantly seek out new partners when they find someone they love, why would it be any different with bi folk? This is the exact stigma the article is talking about. Your bias' seem to think if someone is bi they somehow cannot remain faithful and that's just simply not true at all.
25
@casey
You may have found love ... what about the one you love. Requires a very understanding partner -- from the get go. When someone understands themselves to be gay or straight .. they get it. Where you are on the spectrum it takes time to understand where you are.
We have all fallen in love .. only to understand that it was infatuation or maybe just lust. Well now you can double that.
I have known quite a few women who have fallen for Bi women only to be broken hearted when they went off with a man ...
It seems most "Bi" men are those with a wife and families -- or two wives. Who become "Bi" later in life .... It's questionable.
4
I'm in my 60s and I've had relationships with both men and women. I've never felt the need to label myself anything in particular. My life has just taken me in directions where I met people and sometimes fell in love with them without regard to their gender. It has never seemed strange in the least. I do find that, surprisingly, my straight friends are much less bothered by this and judgmental about it. They just seem to accept me and whatever comes along with me, while gay friends are much more demanding of explanation and a definitive description one way or the other. I don't feel I need to defend my life or my relationships any more than anyone else does. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not bothered by judgment.
41
As a psychologist, I've been aware of a number of analyses that put sexual behavior on a continuum rather than determining a mere duality. The seven point scale developed by Dr. Fred Klein is but one example of attempts to assess sexuality from this perspective. But of course, such attempts may be too rational for people who just want unfairly and harshly--as well as ignorantly--to judge others.
32
As someone who discovered at the tender age of 12 that she was attracted to both boys and girls, I can attest to the difficulty this revelation has caused in my life. No one wants to hear that you're "bisexual." Because of this fact, I've never felt I fit in anywhere.
Both the heterosexual and homosexual communities look upon bisexuality as an "undecided" feature in one's personality and both demand that the bisexual make a choice.
You must either be straight or gay, and this simply isn't true. As it is with homosexuality, you can't suppress a part of yourself for the sake of getting, or going, along with society.
In my experience, you're attracted to the person, and not their sex. Freedom is at hand, bisexuals. Let's change the perception of our sexuality.
72
The sexual orientation "hard wired" into the brains of a bisexual person is that they can find people attractive regardless of their gender. You seem to think someone HAS to like men or women full atop. You fail to realize that it's possible someone doesn't care about gender at all and is attracted to people and gender doesn't really matter one bit. Why are you so intent on saying people are making some kind of choice? You are the problem this article is talking about and I recommend you self reflect on what you are saying.
18
@Concerned Citizen -- Why can't people claim whatever they like? You certainly seem to. You've made your claim rather forcefully. Others should be able to make their claims just as strongly, whether you agree or don't.
18
Why this need for approval?
There will always be some who don’t care for who you are.
So what?
22
@Very Confused
It is not a need for approval. It is a need for understanding. You do not have to like me. All I ask is that you have your facts in order.
21
Good question. This article is not to convince the remaining bigots in the world, but to edify the LBGTQ community and their allies.
1
Just be truthful about yourself. Good people will accept you. Ignore the rest.
15
I wish this article made more mention of how queerness and pansexuality overlap with bisexuality.
If you look at gen Z, it seems, from the surface, that rather than identify as bisexual one might identify as queer or pansexual.
It seems like it may be partially a semantics thing at this point in time.
There is a possible understanding that bisexuality reinforces the gender binary (through the obvious root bi-) and excludes anyone who isn’t cisgender. Being interested in both polar ends it is hard for many to wrap their mind around “why not somewhere in between then, too?”
While I can’t speak for the lesbian community, gayness has come to, in some ways, absorb the queer identity, taking on members from all kinds of trans/gender backgrounds.
But it seems like this is why many younger people might seem to just identify as queer or pansexual rather than bisexual.
18
@Person Person
Pansexual probably would be most accurate for me but I think the word is awkward and not pretty, same with queer, lesbian, straight bisexual. All of them sound clunky to me. I just told myself I am normal and perfectly fine when I was younger and unmarried. I think the mental stress comes from not having a feeling of belonging to a group and also people interrogating you about the minutiae of people you have relationships with and trying to make a call about where you belong. Also people assuming you are gay/straight and making a nasty remark about gay/straight people. Personally it feels weird to discriminate based on gender who you would have romantic and sexual relationships with. People are already sorting people as desirable/undesirable based on income/class, education, race/ethnicity, religion, distance, political philosophy. Actually I have to say that politics, substance use, being employed/able to support oneself financially is my hard line, where very gay or very straight people might put a person’s gender.
2
I feel guilty for not having experienced (to my awareness) pansexual attraction, though I believe transgender people are the most beautiful people I have seen and I think that is why the world hates them. For now I am still bisexual by identity. I guess this proves to me that it really is an orientation.
The pervasive fear among gay people - that a bisexual person will leave them for someone of a different gender - is understandable but also toxic. I'm just paraphrasing the article, here, but it's true and so many people in the comments are refuting it. When a relationship ends or an attraction isn't requited, some people want to lash out. As a bisexual woman, the hostility I've been on the receiving end of from some lesbians and some men is almost identical. If I'm not attracted to a woman who is attracted to me, she attacks my bisexuality. There have been several occasions where I've felt physically unsafe, been yelled at, asked to leave public spaces for politely declining. Everyone should be reminded that no one is required to find you attractive nor evil for failing to.
On the other hand, I've had wonderful relationships with gay women. When this issue came up, I did my best to make it clear that the insecurity doesn't help. If the relationship doesn't work, it wouldn't have been because I couldn't control my need for a different body part. The suggestion that it would be is 1: garden variety insecurity 2: EXTRAORDINARILY condescending 3: rampant in these comments.
61
This is one reason it isn't discussed. Bi people aren't a magic mirror on the wall in which the Karens of the world can gauge their attractiveness and get offended if they are not attracted. I'm sorry you went through that experience.
2
I have never understood the fear that a bi partner would inevitably cheat to get what they are missing. I’m straight and I am really attracted to good looking men who aren’t my husband. But I’m married so I would never act on it. It seems that it’s similar for bi folks. Isn’t it the commitment and the relationship that matters? It’s not that complicated.
7
I’ll start by saying bullying is wrong and people have a right to be who they want to be.
That said, resilience is a hallmark of mental health. Expecting the world to conform to some ideal that you have built in your own mind is a recipe for pain.
14
I have always believed that bisexuality is the natural default for most humans, and that erotic feelings are generated by personality and its effects on liking and loving. I believe that most people repress or suppress these feelings, starting in late adolescence.
35
What I think a lot of people fail to realize is how fluid sexuality is. I know multiple people who in middle age fell in love with a person of the opposite sex (when they'd identified as gay) or the same sex (when they'd identified as straight). I'm bisexual, and my attraction to women has fluctuated over the years, from the main focus to much less than my attraction to men. I'm middle aged, and it still does. It all falls under the bisexual umbrella, but thinking you're straight and suddenly recognizing same sex attraction can be jarring, because it's not what's "supposed to happen." There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a static sexual orientation your whole life, but I do think that people sometimes assume this is the case for everyone, and things would be easier if we recognized that sexual orientation is not set in stone.
98
My own experience as a bisexual woman is similar, and I think we need to recognize that many many people have similar experiences. However, I think bisexuals like us also need to not in any way imply that “everyone is really bisexual” because that is invalidating to gays and lesbians in particular, who also feel like they have to fight to assert their identities.
5
I look forward to the day when more and more men are able to be open about bi sexuality.
I’m a man from a working class background, am bi curious, and I think have struggled with internalized homophobia from the culture and family I grew up in. I didn’t really know any gay men growing up, and certainly didn’t know any bi sexual men. I’ve always felt as if it’s a hidden secret amongst men, but for women it’s safer to be open about.
Personally, all of my relationships have been with women, and I’ve had only two brief encounters with men. Ive been open to the past few female partners about my interest in men, and it hasn’t affected our relationships . which has been reinforcing. I still find myself feeling shame around the issue though, and have been quite vague about my experiences out of fear of not being taken seriously by women
34
What happens between two people, physically and/or mentally, is no one’s business.
9
@Me No one seems to have ever complained about straights making out with in public. As for dressing provocatively, women from all walks of life have been doing that for decades and I’ve yet to hear complaints from any men.
If I see two men or two women making out I just ignore them as their behavior has no impact on the quality of my life.
5
I don't fully understand the problem. You don't have to declare or advertise your bisexuality if you dont want to. Just let it take you where it goes and enjoy the relationships or encounters. That you can have it both ways is actually an enriching experience.
I would never expect older people to understand or fully accept it, but the younger you are, the more casual and acceptable non restrictive sexuality is.
9
You raise an interesting point - but don’t you think people should be able to be totally honest with someone they have an encounter with from the beginning with our fear of rejection purely for being attracted by people of more than 1 gender?
Keeping quiet just means you have to out yourself if the encounter goes somewhere. That can be very tough on both parties and doesn’t always end well.
Straight Lesbian and gay people don’t stop finding others attractive just because they date someone. But there is a stigma if you may fancy someone of a different sexuality to your other half.
9
@Rups Does a straight man have to tell his blonde flat chested wife that he is also attracted to brunette busty girls? Time to keep some things close to your heart and move on!
5
People put far too much stock in others opinions of them.
25
I’m a lesbian married to a bisexual woman and I’ve always been quick to correct folks who assume she’s also a lesbian because she’s married to me. I would never want to erase her identity, just as I wouldn’t ever want to erase the identities of bi friends who are in opposite sex marriages. I’ve also tried my best to be as inclusive as possible.
I agree that it’s important to acknowledge the exclusion that bisexual folks married to someone of the opposite gender face in the straight community, but I think it’s also important to acknowledge that they do have some privilege outside of the queer community when they’re able to “pass” as straight. They don’t have to experience the fear of being harassed or targeted at night because they’re holding hands with someone of the same gender. They’re less likely to lose family members who believe their marriage is a horrible sin and refuse to invite them to family functions or permit them to be around kids. They don’t face the same levels of discrimination at work.
The closest parallel I can think of is folks who pass as white. I have several friends in the black community who aren’t visibly black and sometimes feel excluded within the black community. I’m quick to welcome them in the community and defend them against people who don’t think they belong. But, I find myself envying their ability to walk through life without experiencing the same levels of discrimination as folks who are visibly black. Both are difficult in different ways
61
Even within the LGBT community, there are cultural subgroups. Yet there are aspects on which we all find common ground and shared experiences which bring us together (and I say this as a gay man).
The truth is if someone is in a long-term monogamous relationship with an opposite sex partner but tells me they are bisexual, I recognize they are technically part of the LGBT community but I also recognize they have benefitted from straight privilege. If their bisexuality is really just about sex and physical attraction that is fine. But my gayness is about more than that -- it is about who I love.
13
@Just sayin’ It is also about who that bisexual person loves. And the article examines the lack of straight privilege for bisexual people. By saying that you get to determine whether or not bisexual people receive that privilege, you're claiming the right to tell people what their experience is. As if you're saying: it's not up to me to say here's my experience of privelege, here's my experience of love...it's up to you to tell me. Bisexual people don't give you that authority. This determination and this negativity is put on LGBTQ+ of all stripes. Gay people are not 'more' than bisexual people, as you write. Some do act that way, however.
21
@Anon What you say I wrote/said is not actually what I wrote/said; I made a statement in a specific context.
The truth is, a bisexual person in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex does not face the same uncomfortable or discriminatory situations that same sex couples might. There are two sides to the coin
7
I am an 86 year old homosexual male. I was in denial of my homosexual nature as a young man. I was married and fathered 3 children, That was fairly common in those those times. Being able to "perform" with both sexes doesn't mean that one is bisexual. It strikes me that a truly bisexual person, on the surface at least, can enjoy the best of both worlds. However it becomes a problem when one wants to marry. If both partners are bisexual there might not be a problem but the non-bisexual partner must approve of the bisexual partner's having sex with others or the marriage isn't going to work. I don't think it is fair for the bisexual partner to be denied what for him or her is his or her's natural sexual aclivity. I loved my wife but after having sex with a man I found it impossible to have sex with her. Divorce was a natural result. When it comes to bisexuality I suggest that both partners have an honest discussion before getting married. Perhaps an "open" marriage is the answer. If not, a happy marriage isn't going to be possible. Another consideration - does the bisexul partner really want to expose his or her partner to possible STDs or the possibility of "new found love" with another person? In any case sexual jealously must be avoided.
9
@Cristino Xirau
Thanks for sharing your experience. Your generalizations about how a bisexual person can “work” in a marriage are incorrect. I’m bisexual/queer and in a monogamous marriage. I don’t want to have sex with anyone other than my partner. He knows all about my sexuality. My bisexuality is not erased or subsumed by my monogamy. That’s how it works for me.
87
@Cristino Xirau My father's life story parallels yours significantly. I really admire your openness and your journey. I do want to say, though, that many bisexual people are monogamously married. Married people get attracted to other people regardless of sexual orientation. Yes, I am married to man and miss sex with women as it was so different for me, and so wonderful. But I prioritize my marriage and thus my own happiness, because I really value the happiness I've found in it.
34
@Cristino Xirau bisexual does not equal polyamory. The majority of bisexual people are monogamous and have only one partner. It's a weird misconception that bisexual people want to have both a man and woman at the same time. They just happen to be attracted to more than one gender.
47
What about using the term “ambisexual”? We don’t discriminate people who are ambidextrous, do we? I appreciate the struggle people go through first with their identity/orientation, and then with the social consequences of their interactions. Let’s hope we can just accept people as they are, and not reject them because they don’t fit in with our models of what they should be.
14
@Rob Merrill Nope, sounds too much like 'ambivalent.' How about 'omnisexual?'
8
As a gay man, I think a big problem is a misguided view of bisexuals as sexually regressed, immature or under-developed and therefore are seen as a risk if the objective is cultivating something that goes beyond the physical. Unfortunately this stereotypical attitude about bisexual people can manifest in different ways depending on the person they happen to be seeing. If it's a bisexual man involved with a gay man the struggle is getting past the notion that it will all end as soon as the "bi guy meets that woman he wants to marry." It probably doesn't help that many gay man as part of the coming out process often consider the possibility that they may be bisexual before coming to terms with their homosesexuality to the detriment of those men who really are bisexual and then have to constantly respond to people telling them they are really gay and are just going through a bisexual phase. I imagine a number of bisexual men seeing a heterosexual woman encounter a similar road block, where the struggle is to prove that they are not gay men going through a straight/closeted phase with the implication being that once it ends so too will his relationship with her. This sort of thinking has as its source a generalized and pervasive fear of abandonment. Like most fears, it has the ability to distort how we see other people and sadly often makes it impossible to build true, meaningful and deep connections, which are valid regardless of whether they fit easy categorization.
155
@BrotherVoodoo Thank You, this was very enlightening to my view of bisexuals and the process by which gay people come out.
check+ for the day sir
7
It drove me so crazy when the talk show hosts I listen to on public radio kept calling "Call Me By Your Name" a gay movie. Clearly, both characters are bisexual and each is shown a) involved with an opposite-sex partner in addition to the relationship they share and b) the story line was not at all about being closeted/struggling with identity (which IMO would could perhaps support the case that it was really a film about two men who were actually gay). I wrote to the producer to tell them this as I felt like the hosts were invalidating/erasing the bisexuality of the characters.
41
@New York Times reader : you must have seen a different film than I saw -- in the movie, Timothee Chalamet is a 17 year old boy and he loses his virginity to a local girl (in Italy) and then just hours later, goes to his real crush, an older man (Armie Hammer). The two begin a passionate affair. I don't think the Hammer character is ever seen with a female partner or date in the film. The Chalamet character never returns to his girlfriend and she is very understanding that he is gay (which IMHO is not realistic for the time period!).
It's based on a novel, so there may be differences between the book and the film.
4
As a bisexual genderqueer individual, I also suffer from general anxiety disorder and have gone through bouts of depression (mainly around the time that I realized I was bi). I always dated girls when I was younger because I was cultured to believe it was what was expected of me. The AIDS epidemic was at its highest in the U.S. (around 1993) when I was a young boy and that compounded the negative messages I heard as a boy growing up in the south.
After I realized I was bi, I found that it wasn’t all roses. Women were suspicious of me. After telling one of my exes that I was bi at the beginning of our relationship, she started crying (I was too young and naive not to get out of that relationship immediately after that). Other female partners have had nightmares about me leaving them for men or assume I’m going to cheat on them. Men aren’t much better. They think I’ll leave them for women or that I’m just experiencing. But at its worst, some gay men haven’t seen me as part of the gay community. It’s no secret that bisexual people have been ostracized from the LGBTQIA community. Out of other queer identities, bisexual nonprofits receive the least amount of funding. We are constantly being erased (bi erasure), are made to feel invisible, or are discounted at all as a “real” sexual identity (there are still scientific studies to determine whether or not bisexuality is a valid human form of sexuality).
So yes, of course many of us suffer from mental health disorders.
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@CB Speaking as an anthropologist, most cultural/social groups have an us/not-us mentality, whereby others are classified immediately. The not-us group are often seen as enemies--even to the point of going to war/genocide. I feel that this is a human reaction, and should not be surprising, although, of course, it is very distressing. Being not-us to everyone around can lead to profound alienation--even from one's own self.
21
@CB I do think there is some suspicion of bisexuals in the LGBTQIA community, but that's probably true of any of the letters in relation to any of the others to some extent. Gays and Lesbians have a lot less in common than Gays and Bisexuals or Lesbians and Bisexuals in some obvious ways. I've been in a relationship with a bi man for 14 years. As a gay man this is my longest relationship. I am surprised at the durable faithfulness of my bisexual partner which intuition says you would not expect in someone attracted to both sexes. I personally don't want my partner to be a carbon copy of me. This is also true of straight couples so maybe there is something to be said about opposites attracting. I personally am somewhat fascinated by my partner's bisexual side even though it is not my thing at all. However, relationships are as individual as individuals. People hit it off in a lot of different ways. People should not generalize. Extrapolating from your own personal situation can to lead to less inclusive attitudes. Acceptance by the community is important but it is different from acceptance by a romantic partner. I don't worry as much about the community as I do about the love I get from my partner.
22
@Chas Such a great comment! Thank you for being so open and specific. If everyone were a little more like you we'd all be happier I bet.
2
Important to note, which this article does not mention, that Kinsey’s research suggests that bisexuality IS THE NORM in humanity, and that people with *exclusively* same-sex or opposite-sex attractions are the outliers. So what does that say about our mental health writ large?
196
Yes!
3
@She Who Watches : that is not remotely true. What they said is that sexuality is on a "bell curve" from exclusively gay at one end to exclusively straight at the other. That doesn't "prove bisexuality is the norm".
Geez, after a million years of human history, don't you think we'd KNOW THAT if it was true?
24
@She Who Watches to make an assertion like this, you have to look at research not limited in scope to North America during a certain period in time. (Why, by the way, do Americans relentlessly believe that humans in America during a time period they care about are representative of all humans ever?) If you take a broader view of humanity across time and space, it is quite clear that exclusively straight is "the norm". However, it is not important. Bisexuality doesn't have to be "the norm" to be perfectly fine.
14
Excellent article! Nicely covered, close to home…..
7
I'm a 67 year old pansexual man living in Minneapolis. I was the first generation that was exposed to sex positive sexual education. From the age of 13 I've known I was bisexual, trisexual, pansexual, whatever queer name you wish to give the queerness in my bones. (Lou Reed and David Bowie were always more important to me than the Beatles. The first time I heard Lou Reed's "Take A Walk On The Wild Side," I thought, "that's me!") After a lifetime that includes several long relationships with men and with women--and a 23-year marriage to a woman which produced two lovely daughters--I think I've pretty much proved to myself that I'm at least bisexual. I hope you're convinced as well.
48
Good article. I propose there’s a triple closet too. My bi friend stated I am in a phase and really gay. That hurt and more sad that someone would say that to me. There is a phrase and sadly can’t find it. To describe I have to have sex in front to you to prove my sexuality. Of course this is wrong. But wonder if identity invalidation is part of it.
7
@Robert If someone says things like that to you, I am not sure they are truly your friend.
2
Thank you so much for writing this article, sums up how I have felt my whole life. Never really fit into one category. Have had lesbians tell me I am traitor and most men just fetishize that I am attracted to women. Then there is the classic "you have double the options" rhetoric which so tiring. Demisexual has been the best word to describe me, but even then that takes a mouthful of explanation for most people.
151
Of the long list of judgements and misunderstandings I have experienced as part of my bi identity, the fetishizing has been the most tiring. And the reason why I just don't say anything anymore. It's just one more way to be objectified by a certain kind of man that cannot understand that a woman might have desires and an inner world that exist outside of their gaze.
88
@kelswils Why do you empower your critics, tacit and otherwise?
6
@kelswils Exactly. One is moved by another person (and then finds them sexually appealing) because of who they are and what that brings out in oneself, regardless of what type of genitalia they were born with/assigned.
11
I am bi-sexual & really identify. I was just not taken seriously by gay fiends (or even lovers) & certainly not by straight friends. I was always being invalidated. I'm 880 no, a fortunately, asexual.
17
@Jenifer Wolf I'm 80. I only feel like 880.
23
Thanks so much for covering this issue. It really resonated with me (and many of the comments have as well).
A couple of things I'd like to add:
1. I'm early Gen X and through the 80's and well into the 90's I thought that being bisexual meant I had it easier than my gay and lesbian friends because I didn't always have to be closeted. Recently, though, I've come to realize that in its own way, it was also quite stressful. This was especially true when I went from a longterm relationship with a man (where the worst that I had to fear was my grandmother asking us when we were going to get married) to a longterm relationship with a woman in a fairly conservative country (where, among other things, I probably would've been fired if I'd come out). The contrast made the homophobia there even harder to take, even more of an outrage, because I knew how the other half lived, so to speak.
2. Straight people I meet think I'm straight, no exceptions. I'm still as hesitant as I've always been to come out to them. The trouble is that if I don't, I'm automatically relegating them to the rank of 2nd tier friend.
But who wants to see that look of disgust and disappointment (now we can't be good friends) and sense the automatic distancing? I'm sure that even in these relatively enlightened times I might still see the shadow of it.
I've never understood the hostility against bisexuals. I've always hated the term. We're not the ones who are splitting the world in half.
108
@joanna
retired AMA attorney F/73
Boomers like me who grew up in dysfunctional families often had to get self-sufficient fast on biology and sexuality, i.e., DIY!
Too busy studying to get a college scholarship for females in the 1960s (pre-Title IX and athletic scholarships for swimmers like me), I knew that all I wanted in a parter was "a swimmer's body!"
So my favorite uncle's advice, number eight of eight kids in a very Catholic family, gave me the grounding I needed as I left home base for a first job, repeated often to those wrenched by arbitrary labels now:
"Anybody who arbitrarily excludes half the human race for their love is crazy!"
Three women and two guys over 50+ years got my undivided love and caring and only four had swimmer's bodies!
3
Maybe we shouldn't put so much emphasis on labels and belonging to a community with shared identity. We are all human, and sexuality is complicated and very often doesn't fit perfectly into a labeled category.
47
To quote a bi husband in an open marriage, author of the essay behind an NYT “Modern Love “podcast:
“Close friends and family know the deeper story, but otherwise we keep it to ourselves. I’m careful about how I move in the world because people judge, or they are uncomfortable, or they avoid. “
Applies to a lot of areas of personal sexual preference, especially when there is history involved. When bi, how people react to your sense of identity and your romantic history may have a lot to do with how threatening they find being close to people not like themselves.
14
As an older bisexual man in an opposite sex marriage, people, whether they’re queer or straight, almost always assume I’m straight. I realize this has insulated me from much of the harm other LGBTQ people have suffered. And though I’d like to represent myself as authentically as possible, it’s an infinitesimal number of people who actually care who and what gender I’ve slept with. So it seems a bit narcissistic to make a big thing about it. But, if all we bisexuals don’t raise raise our hands as queer, we are invisible to each other. So I suppose it’s time to raise our hands so that the next Bi or pansexual person down the road does not feel so alone.
410
I feel this. Raising my hand over here.
50
Yes!
21
Yes, yes, yes! But how to raise our hands...?
I for one will cuff my jeans, wear the “Canadian Tuxedo,” sit on chairs wrong, and walk with a liiiiiitle bit of a swagger. WHO’S WITH ME? :D
(Gen Z has the codes all figured out, bless them, and this early Millennial will follow suit.)
11
Great article. As a bisexual male who is married to a woman (who completely embraces my preferences and doesn’t make anything of it), I’m in this weird limbo of wanting to mention my sexuality to friends or colleagues, but at the same time I think “what’s the point, they’ll just likely inaccurately misjudge me or think of me differently.”
In my younger days I have come out to plenty of friends who I’m still close with and my partner knows. That feels good. So I’m out but also very careful who I fell anymore. It’s been several years since I told anyone and I have a lot of friends who have no idea. And I’m sure would be totally fine with it. Because let’s face it, how many bisexual men are known publicly? And I’ve had some really terrible responses to some people I’ve told (my mother being the worst). But then it’s people like me who should come out and be a face of bisexuality, especially males who are married to the opposite sex. I know there’s a lot more of us out there. It’s really an internal struggle. I don’t lose sleep about it, but it’s a debate I have with myself all the time.
228
It’s OK, don’t stress, just live your life. If opportunities come to note that married men can have histories of relationships with men or attraction to both sexes, take those opportunities to say something. You’ll make sure your kids know what they need to. I think younger folks get it that people with girlfriends may also have had boyfriends etc. It’s not that new a concept. People with eyes and brains and imaginations know this. I worry sometimes that the need to represent ...”being something”...stresses people out (as this article notes! So hard on kids to feel the need to check off some social media box correctly) I get the reassurance and also the historical and cultural importance of solidarity...but being who you are and supporting the people important to you, loving and appreciating when you are loved, is as you say the most important thing. You can be a good ally if you don’t apparently fit the group, and mention past boyfriends as often or rarely as need be. If people misjudge it’s mostly their problem. Is this so crazy? Too facile?
21
@RWells
With all due respect, why would you want to announce this to friends? What would you gain? I am serious here.
You potentially run the risk of making some people uncomfortable and yes, yes, that's on them. But is it a test? To see what?
9
It seems to me that bisexuals need to build a community among themselves. That's what persecuted minorities do. It works.
26
@akamai Or, as they are people, they should be part of the community of people. We need to evolve past these labels.
24
Ill run for the Mayor of our new community ;)!
2
Appreciate this article. I am a bisexual woman and have experienced most of the biphobia from other women. A lesbian on a queer app recently told me I was merely “curious.” Another female friend told me she thought bisexuals were “selfish.” And I was once in love with a former female friend for years, but never told her. It’s tough being bi.
286
Thank you for covering this issue!
35
As a teenager in the 00’s, biphobia and a misunderstanding of bisexuality robbed me of the chance to date who I pleased. It was clear that I was expected to “choose” if I liked boys OR girls - so I chose boys. When I got older and tried to assert my bisexuality again, boyfriends thought it was for show. Women who flirted with me lost interest at the word “bi” or “ex-boyfriend”. I felt like a fake and never dared to identify myself as part of the LGBTQ community.
I regret how many potential relationships and experiences I missed out on by being told bisexuality wasn’t real. I’m glad that young people today are increasingly less likely to feel forced into a false dichotomy of sexuality. Don’t ever let someone else tell you who you can love.
457
@R.E
I read the story.
I have read many of these comments.
The phrase that comes to my mind, again & again, is “intrinsically disordered”.
Others think it and bi people themselves think it.
If the term seems moralistic, it is moral theology based on natural science.
Then again, engaging in sexual behavior, using sex organs, with another, in a way that cannot lead to reproduction is...anti-evolutionary(?).
Where’s the evolutionary advantage in non-pro restive sex?
Why isn’t engaging in behaviors that are morally wrong and biologically unsound a mental illness?
4
@WorkingGuy So using birth control is wrong because it cannot lead to reproduction? Is oral sex wrong too? Masturbation? Is a woman who can't conceive getting embryos implanted morally wrong because it's not using two sex organs? A woman having sex after menopause is morally wrong? A woman having sex after a hysterectomy? You sound like either a staunch Catholic who has gone far off the deep end, or someone from the 19th century (who has also gone far off the deep end). If you don't like people engaging in behaviors that are "biologically unsound" may I suggest that you put your efforts into helping people quit nicotine.
31
@R.E
retired AMA attorney F/73
I grew up number two of six kids in a completely dysfunctional family where any attention to biology or sexual orientation was left to the kids DIY list. Much easier than the rash of exclusionary labels now prevalent.
I was a swimmer to escape mentally and physically from daily chaos at home and at school. Needless to say, I was attracted to "swimmers bodies." Guys or girls mos nix!
At 19, after college that included only a couple of guys for trysts, my favorite uncle offered his guidance as I prepared to move from Chicago for a new job:
"Anyone who arbitrarily excludes one-half of the human race for their love is crazy."
HE was number eight of eight kids in a very Catholic family so this revelation from HIS life's passions was huge.
I didn't need or accept being put by others into confining labeled boxes. Three women and two guys later, I use my resources to help siblings and neighbors kids and grandkids get educated and oriented with an open experienced honest report of MY life.
Right now, the greatest threat to acceptance and nurturing of our children is evangelical rigidity on sexuality. One-in-four adults in FL identify as "evangelicals" and I see their kids suffer--daily.
Many kids accept my offer to finance airfare and free college in Germany with Summer internships and jobs to follow with clients like Siemens and Roche and Bayer. Europeans are welcoming and exactly what these kids need every day to thrive.
11
Glad to see NYT cover this issue during Pride Month
195
As the mom of 2 bisexual young adults, one of whom identifies as non-binary, I just don't understand why everyone is so pre-occupied with who people are attracted to or sleeping with. It is none of my business who you are attracted to and certainly none of my business to ask about it or judge. I find the discrimination in the LGBTQIA+ community unconscionable - as a woman who remembers how hard it was for my gay friends to come out in the 70s.
Maybe I'm naive. But, if my kids want to date men, women or folks who identify as gender queer - I don't care. What I do care about is how they are treated.
Does their partner treat them with love and respect? Does their partner make them happy? Does their partner make them laugh?
I want them to have healthy relationships - and if anyone tries to hurt them (for whatever reason) they will have to come through me, because I love them to the moon and back.
778
@MBator - To you, and to everyone who is tired of hearing people declare their identities: I suggest you help us work towards a world where people won't be treated badly because of those identities. In such a world, I think people would feel less need to announce themselves.
159
@Knitter 215
Is it discrimination if a gay person only wants to date gay people and not bisexuals? Or a straight person only wants to date straight people and not bisexuals? I don’t see it as any different than someone preferring brunettes or tall people or heavy people.
48
The distinction between preference and prejudice is something that people really seem to be struggling with lately, in a number of arenas. Preference implies that one tends to notice, be drawn to, seek out (etc) one over the other, but not to the exclusion of anything else. Preferring a brunette, but still being open to dating blondes - that is preference. However, dating only brunettes, and being unwilling to date anyone with another hair color BECAUSE of the color of their hair, that is prejudice. I think this distinction makes people uncomfortable because it forces us to face our own prejudice or bigotry - but those things are far, far more dangerous when kept in the dark. They need to be brought out into the light so that we can see them clearly and address how they impact our lives and the lives of those around us.
27