How to Start Healing During a Season of Grief

It’s been 4 years since my best friend and soul mate died we were together for 4 short years.. My children did not accept him and have been mean about it. They don’t know all the pain of the past and how their father hurt me. I stayed with him for 30 years. So that my kids would have a dad (my parents divorced when I was 8).But I am still blamed for their fathers death. I have recently gone to 2 different counselors. The first said I don’t know what to tell you. I got up and walked out. The 2nd , just sat there and looked at me. I told her when she comes up with a plan for me to email me. Didn’t hear from her either. Helps to see that I am not the only one in this mental, physical and emotional pain. Thank you.

When I am sad and going through a time of grief and loss I think of this quote by Albert Camus: "In the midst of winter I found there was within me an invincible summer". We are all hurting and suffering because of the pandemic. To those who feel helpless and hopeless, remember that YOU MATTER. Allow yourself to grieve. But don't be scared to reach out. Everyone is struggling. Some more than others. So reach out to friends and family and other resources available. And to those who are coping better than others. Reach out and let anyone having trouble know that you care and that they are not alone. The only way we will get through these dark difficult days is TOGETHER. And at the risk of sounding like an old hippie. PEACE AND LOVE TO EVERYONE. ✌ and ❤

i am driving, and i stop at a red light, and the saddest saddest thing in the world is to be stopped at this red light, and the people on the sidewalk are so sad, and the grocery store is so sad, and the light turns green, and somehow , it takes all the effort i have to push down on the accelerator , and drive away

You don't cope with grief. Grief copes with you.

Heartfelt thanks to all, especially David Chandler and Caessius who so eloquently expressed all that I've been feeling. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I called a person who I considered to be a “friend” the day after my granddaughter died from a drug overdose last year. He said, and I quote, “all the whining in the world isn’t going to change anything.” Only one friend would actually talk to me afterwards about how I was doing. A counselor working on her graduate studies volunteered to work with me over the phone and then never would return my first calls. I have health insurance. I finally gave up. My grief goes on everyday ravaging my heart and soul. I’m on the edge of a cliff and no one will help me.

After my spouse died, I went for grief counseling. Six weeks after the death, the counselor asked what I was doing to "move forward." Six weeks! When I wanted to talk about the end of life medical and other craziness, and the coulda-woulda-shoulda I think everyone likely experiences, the counselor told me that going over that would just make me feel worse, "unless you want to feel worse." Well, that was the end of that. I thanked them and told them we were done. My truest friends were the ones who would patiently listen to the death story as long as I needed to tell it. I thank them and bless them from the bottom of my heart.

Covid is so bizarre that reports on its dangerous impact change from hour to hour press organization to press organization. What we know is that 550,000 Americans have died from it and many more go unreported due to medical technicalities. There are long term psychological and physical effects from Covid and it has wrecked our economy putting many out of work and raising rates of hunger nationwide. What does this sound like? Yes the attack and aftermath of 9/11. In this case the entire mess is left sitting on the door step of Trump who we can all agree did nothing for a year about Covid. What solutions are available? Well you can launch a massive class action lawsuit against Trump but that has problems including the fact that he is a faux billionaire and perhaps even a faux millionaire and his assets would not cover the damages of the immense suit. What needs to happen is like with the 9/11 calamity a victims compensation board must be created that will pay out awards to survivors and family members of those lost or disabled. And the board should at the very least guarantee covering all Covid victims medical expenses. We did this for 9/11 when 3,000 people perished and many others fell ill with little government culpability. Covid deaths dwarf the impact of 9/11 and because of Trump’s inaction there is some degree of government culpability.

In my travels and overseas life, I often cringed when I witnessed other cultures mourn their losses. All the loud crying, the wailing, the public displays, that just looked performative, and unnecessary. It literally made my skin crawl. But then I realized, after several closely spaced losses back in the States - that the US culture is nearly devoid of mourning in any public way. We prefer to wrap it all up, get it over with, and keep the feelings sealed up tight. Leave it at home, and don't bring it out with you. Like immediately. Not several weeks later, not a year later, but like within hours after the last of the funeral guests split. "Get over it!" But grief is as real as joy. But we over do joy in this culture. We over do all the (alleged) positive emotions. We love everything. We need to find the joy in everything. We need to follow our passion, and we need to feel awesome, great and spectacular! We prescribe trite things to be that way! Just breathe! Do yoga! Take a brisk walk! Sure, those are tools...but here's a secret, these tools can also pry loose the so called negative feelings. Yoga very often brings up deeply buried emotions. Why? Because it was designed to do so long ago! To open the body, to loosen and release! It was not about touching your toes! Who cares? Releasing emotions? That's important. But we frown on it. There are no negative emotions...they are all intertwined. Feel them all, for what they are - necessary! Feeling grief is equal to joy.

Grief, or whatever the words one uses to describe the emotions surrounding loss - needs to come out of the dark in the US and shown for what it is. REAL. Its always a part of Life. Its not a quirk, its not a broken-thing, that demands repair, or "painting over". Grief is as real as joy, as real as disappointment, as real as frustration, anger, and ecstasy. Its just real. But like depression (real depression, not the phony stuff people claim all the time) the US Culture wants to make it not real. Make it something like a manufactured defect, and wholly the fault of the claimant. That demands a little, "snapping out of it!" A little less self-indulgence and self-pity. We Americans have long been failing at dealing with Reality and the complexity of the Human Experience. Oh we love the good stuff. That's how America was built, on too much Happy Go-lucky. Too much; Turn that smile upside down with a dose of this Rx, or a full plate of this junk! Maybe both!" Indulgence in pleasure...avoiding the icky stuff. But do not frown. Do not feel bad, but if you must, make it short and do not belabor it! Don't be a buzz-kill for others! We've cheapened words like depression, the same way we've neutralized words like "awesome, spectacular" by over using them in marketing and slang. When we fail to recognize real emotions like grief, wish to ignore them, make them defects, and avoidable - when we use them, they fall on deaf ears. Its like no one knows what they mean.

I started reading “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” by Megan Devine (2017) before my dear friend died. It gave me a map of my emotional life that I still refer to every day.

On December 29, 2008 - I visited my mother in the nursing home where she had been living for the past five years - We had a nice visit - and I left her, planning to return on New Year's Day for a little celebration - On December 31st - at 4:30 in the morning - my phone rang - It was my sister calling to tell me that our mother had died a few hours earlier -- At 6:30 - a couple of hours later - I had to get out of bed and go to work - Working in the music and entertainment business - I was part of a big, live, televised New Year's Eve gala - and had no choice but to go in and do my job -- Although I received wonderful support from my friends and colleagues at every level of the production - you can't imagine what it was like to be there while people were playing and singing all those bitter-sweet New Year's songs - It was one of the worst days of my life - and thankfully my wife was there when I arrived home to provide comfort - A few weeks later - I was at a rehearsal, and was talking to a female colleague I'd known for many years - and told her what happened - The woman related her experience - telling me that when she was only twenty-one years old - her own mother had died suddenly of a heart attack - As I listened to my colleague talk about losing her mother - I asked her a question - "When do you get over it?" - She looked me in the eye and told me something I've never forgotten - "You'll get thought it - but you'll never get over it" - She was right ...

My identical twin Margaret and I shared a profound bond, and even the thought that one of us might predecease the other was deeply unsettling to us. Yet, when the worst happened, when she endured prolonged suffering and eventual death, the fear and panic did not overwhelm me, simply because my gratitude for having been so close to such a warm and amazing person was greater even than my intense grief. When I would start to feel panic at her loss, my mantra became gratitude for her beautiful life and my sharing of it. Any fear I had of death itself is gone. She has gone before me, and I will only be joining her, even if that means just a chemical burst of remembrance at my end. I won life's lottery in being her twin and in the joy we felt and still feel for our joint children and now grandchildren. Each day I inwardly express my love for Margaret and our families and again send "Thank you! Thank you!" to the universe.

All good prescriptions. But they come from a common, and misguided space, that is too much a part of the American psyche. Avoidance of the so-called negative emotions. Sure do X, or Y, all from A-Z. But what are your intentions? Avoidance? Distraction? Most likely, if you're an American, immersed in this culture, you've been taught to avoid the negative feelings, and most assuredly to get over them, and not be a buzz-kill. As someone steeped in movement culture, but functional movement over the "artistic sort" - I have seen many dozens of clients and class participants break down due what the movement releases. What they never expected, as they tried to distract and pack it all down. Instead the movement drilled thru the blockages. And they were not prepared for that, many were very angry about it. Its not what they signed on for. I've seen it in yoga classes. When done right, yoga is about release, not packing. Chiropractors I consult with, tell me all the time. Patients crying after/during an adjustment. Release the tightness, and wham! Out comes the stuff kept packed in the neck, lower back, etc. I've seen people dive into new pursuits (school, art) after a loss - then wham! Suddenly they're overcome by what they thought was left behind. Part is guilt over enjoying the new thing, and part is the loss of sharing their new endeavor with the lost person. The key; Feel the grief. Its linked to joy. Be honest with what you feel. None are bad. They are all intertwined

I lost the love of my life 12 years ago. For the first year I cried more tears than I thought I’d have in a lifetime, I didn’t think I could live without him, and my life stopped. Then I very slowly returned to a more normal routine and life is good again. Then, just a few weeks ago, he showed up in a dream, apologized for having been gone so long and told me he loved me. He knew what I needed and the visit made me intensely happy.

Thanks to all of those who have traveled this road. Personally, I live with a morbid fear of the grief I will experience if my older husband pre-deceases me, as I am so dependent on him for everything, but mainly for true love and companionship by someone who has known me for so very long. One thing missing in all of the many comments I've read is the role of preparation, or other social supports, in how awful, or not awful, grief is. Much of my life now is devoted to shoring those supports up, in anticipation of that awful grief. But in this fragmented world, hard to do. (Not all my efforts. The rest is devoted to serving other dependent family, older or disabled, who I likely will lose even sooner.) But is it even worth it. Maybe go back to my childhood passion for horses, per one contributor! But not get a dog - our mouser-cat will be comfort, if the day comes, I think.

Thank you to everyone who posted their thoughts and personal story of grief. To hear these things helps immensely.

This is a very good article. I’ve been experiencing grief for the last 13 years since I lost my 31 year old son in a sporting accident. The acute phase has long passed..but during that time I found Compassionate Friends exceptionally helpful. Nature, exercise and 300 Sunday NYT crossword puzzles (in 2years time) all helped to mitigate the dagger in the heart waves of grief. It is so important to take it very easy ( your body is being devastated in coping with grief) keeping warm is often quite difficult. Now I live with the Georg Eliot quote. “She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” That seems to be the on going reality for me. As another person said..”the half life of grief is endless”....but life goes on and so do I. There is still much joy to be found.

I wholeheartedly endorse seeking the help of a grief counselor. When my sister died within 3 months of a uterine cancer diagnosis, my counselor allowed me to admit that along with being sad over losing her, I was also feeling angry with her and, yes, relieved. I needed to sort out these conflicting emotions (which my counselor said are not unusual) before I could understand and accept my sister’s life and death.

My husband of 36 years died in February of dementia. After not being able to be with him for nearly a year (he was living in a memory care facility that did not allow visits any closer than 6 feet apart), I was able to be with him 24/7 as he was dying. It was a gift. While I am sad, I am also grateful that he had good care, and the death that he wanted. While dementia is an emotionally painful diagnosis, I am also grateful for all the grieving I did over the 5 years since his diagnosis. He is at peace. I am at peace. My tears of sadness are really tears of joy for a wonderful life together.

My wife of almost 47 years recently died after three years of cancer treatment. Every single day I think of her, and miss her so very much. Her mantra throughout tough chemotherapy treatment was “Enjoy Every Day”, and at the end she was at peace with the inevitable. She had such dignity and grace, that I feel obligated to try to make the best of the situation. I have long hiked with friends in the beautiful mountains and countryside where we live in Andalusia. Lately, one day each week we also hike a section of the Sendero Litoral seaside path that runs all along the Mediterranean in Malaga Province for 170KM (about 105 miles). In the next two weeks we will hike the last 40KM to finish beyond Marbella. The constant sound of the waves is soothing to the soul. Going to bed after a long day’s hike helps me sleep, while a day of sloth can result in restless nights. I now get up at dawn and take a sunrise picture every morning, posted in Facebook with a quote, poem or a song lyric that I hope adds context to the picture. Many kind reader responses have encouraged me to look more diligently for those words. As I look for quotes or other writings I consider their context, and am trying to gain philosophical perspective and wisdom that helps me get through my grief day by day. Friends have been so very helpful. I would be lost without their kindness, their shared memories of her, and their understanding of my grieving. Life goes on, sometimes with tears, and we must endure.

Errata to my just now comment :-It should be “autobiographic patch “.Sorry for the error

I lost my father, the next year my sister (who I adored), the next year my mother, then the following two years my in laws. It was really rough. I drank, I took pills, but I also exercised everyday to the max. Finally after 6 years Im feeling like Im coming out of it. So, I decided to take some of the oft given advice....get a dog! So I got a puppy. It almost killed me. The housebreaking, the chewing, the running in and out with him constantly , picking up the waste in the yard, I couldnt rest or sleep. After 3 days my blood pressure was through the roof lol. Thank goodness the breeder took him back. Im too old. So, be careful with some of this advice! Now I can laugh about it, but it was traumatic!

A seventh way - which is to creatively lean into the grief as you incorporate the loss into your life going forward. I was blessed to audit a college class -- Self-Expression as Solo Performance -- in the months after my father died of cancer. The opportunity to turn my experience and grief into a (lightly attended) public performance was transformative, and not nearly as depressing as it might sound. (I think of Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" as a more evolved and professional example.) It was meaning-making and a bridge forward.

Making a project that honors your loved one and brightens the day of others who knew your loved one helped me a lot. I learned things that were so lovely all around.

I have learned to respect my grief. Yes, it's painful but it's purpose is to heal. I am going through much grief right now which is too complicated to get into here, and almost every morning I let myself cry for a while. Something about it feels just right. I journal and have actually found the poet inside me and have grown so much self-compassion. It seems grief brings up old grief and in my case, grief from childhood (70 yrs ago) demanded my attention because I had not dealt with it. "my tears of old suddenly became my tears of now"

A beauty of a quote from the series WandaVision... “What is grief if not love persevering?”

My experience with grief: Assuming the grief is due to a very specific point-in-time incident, having faith that, eventually, the grief will dissipate, actually helps a little bit...in getting through it. If you can understand there is light at the end of the tunnel...that this feeling will not last forever. Of course, during times of intense grief, it may be unfathomable...hard to believe...but a world of people who've suffered similarly, can attest otherwise...that it will get better (cliche as that may sound). It's important to understand that grief actually exacts a physical toll on the body. Your body needs as much help as possible to endure the physiological impacts of the grief. Therefore, taking good care of your physical and emotional health...being extra kind, patient with yourself, will help with the grief. Be sure to get enough sleep/rest. Exercise. Sunshine. Eat a healthy diet. And by all means, do not overdo it on sweets, snacks, alcohol/drugs, etc. Do not try to 'anaesthetize' yourself from the pain. Emotional pain hurts...no doubt about it. But the only way you can completely get to the other side of it is to acknowledge what you are experiencing...to feel the pain...to accept it as normal. To deny the pain or try to push it aside or mask it (drugs/alcohol) will only prolong the recovery process. Find a therapist or else a good friend who is capable of talking about discomforting topics...who will Listen and not throw mere platitudes your way.

Read Shakespeare intensely. Each play at least three times. The plays are difficult and opaque enough to require deep concentration and that concentration in itself provides respite from your grief. But, then! A sheer, indescribable beauty begins to emerge from your study. It is a balm. It will rescue you, a little.

Grief, I usually refer to it as the gift that keeps on giving. When my husband passed away the night before I was returning home from an international trip I tried to go it alone for awhile. But finally, in looking for help with my grief, I found that you didn’t have to have used Hospice in order to receive their grief counseling. After a 6 week one on one with a counselor I was invited to join a grief group, facilitated by a grief counselor. I shall ever be grateful for that help in dealing with my grief. It was especially helpful after everyone I knew seemed to think I “should just move on”.

Each individual's grief is like a fingerprint. Everyone grieves differently (psychological, social and physical). Even family grieves differently. What I understand is that the mourner needs a healthy way to grieve. The mourner needs to be encouraged to share her/his feelings to process it, to recognize the reality, to reinvest his/her life without the deceased one. Unresolved grief will cause mental and health issues in the future.

I endured a protracted time of consuming grief in my mid-20s that lasted almost 14 years. It ebbed and flowed and eventually receded into the background of my life, coinciding with and likely alleviated by the birth of my kids. Grief is a formidable, wily force. Recognize what it is (and what it is not) and. most importantly, respect it. My experience with grief has made me a very gentle man in every way, particularly as it relates to issues of compassion and patience.

I heard an interview with Dr. Pauline Boss, a researcher who while studying families of MIA soldiers coined the term, “ambiguous loss”. She defined it as a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. In addition to its applicability to MIA’s, it can be used to describe the physical loss of a friend or family member in cognitive decline due to Alzheimer’s disease, a missing spouse and my guess is, the whereabouts of immigrant families who have been detained at our borde, and certainly those lost from Covid. Because grieving, which would normally take place in more known situations is halted, the ability to move on or heal is thwarted. The virus makes a mockery of our calendars due to a resounding lack of predictability and permanence in our lives. This discomfort coupled with seemingly anodyne comments from leaders, and the flooding of mis and dis-information on social media platforms, all raise questions about the future of our democracy. Our social history of individualism and our love of excessivism do little to unite us. We look ahead to the day when we have buried the dead, gone ahead with postponed funerals and weddings, found a safe way to educate our youth, and hopefully will have reconciled our differences with the World Health Organization and reinstated a pandemic crisis management team. But none of these answer the question as to what becomes of those who have no place to park their grief?

Very good advice, particular about nature, action, and creativity. Thanks.

I was vacationing in Great Barrington, Mass. a few months after my mother died. I decided to see a psychic medium from Connecticut who was offering her services at a local metaphysical store for a couple of days. I understand that this may not be for everyone, and there are a lot of fakes out there. The medium was able to tell me some things that definitely must have come from my mother. The price was not much, and she didn't try to push me into follow up services. While I still miss my mother the half hour session did ease some of the grief, and it feels good to know that some aspect of my mom still exists somewhere.

The Dinner Party is a wonderful resource for young adults under age 40 who are grieving the death of a loved one. I joined a virtual "table" last spring and have met with the same group for 2 hours every 2-3 weeks since then. It is a space where we can authentically share our grief, heartache, tears, laughter, everything and anything - in a safe, supportive, nurturing setting. The bond that my group has developed, and the care and affectionate we feel for one another, has been a tremendous gift. The Dinner Party has been instrumental in my healing process. Many other things have also helped: a low dose of an SSRI, regular high quality sleep, good nutrition; daily exercise; meaningful work; my dog; treasured friends; memoirs about other grief journeys. Individual psychotherapy left me feeling even worse - the clinician I saw was eager to make a diagnosis and tell me what was "normal" or "abnormal" about my feelings according to the DSM. It was a traumatic experience; more harmful than helpful. In Sheryl Sandberg's book "Option B", she writes that "people who are grieving need two things: to know that they're not crazy and they're not alone". The Dinner Party has provided both of those things, and has enriched my life in more ways than I could have ever dreamed of.

My husband died 17 years ago. I was fortunate to have a few friends with whom I formed a special bond. We had all experienced the loss of our spouse within a 2 year period. The passage of time lessened the pain. I eventually opened my heart to another love which was a true gift. The fact that I could love again was comforting. Sadly, he also passed. My lesson is that friendships and relationships are the most important part of life.

The pervasive ache upon the bereavement of a near and dear one will not allow us to regain our composure and placidity of heart any the earlier.In this context,I am impelled to recollect how much of intrusive pain was inflicted upon my tender heart by the sudden and ,decade-back ,demise ,by a quirky gruesome accident ,of my dear ,and sole, sibling by drowning in a wayside pond in the Marion county en route to Columbus ,Ohio State.Passage of years and footprints of happening events, failed to erase this indelible sorrow from the nooks and crannies of my mind. In the autographic patch of my life, the said event lies dyed in utter black of abhorrent whammy that is incapable of erasure even by the stickiest amnesia.Dipped in such a personal encounter of crystallised sadness, I could endorse with authenticity that the pain and agony of any loss is a determined source of mental privations ,such as unavailable for redemption from their fiendish clutches.Years may roll down in the symphony of their own chronology, but any chance of total liberation from melancholic strands of thought is a matter of impossibility.The inexorable hold of a deep gash of wound on our hearts is a living testimony of the vicelike grip of agony resultant to a personal loss .In such an excruciating situation, the sagacious way to deal with this devil is to pull on with our duties, commitments and allegiance to the Creator in the hope that time will heal the wound.

Spending time in nature brought me comfort after my husband passed away 3 years ago. I had to quickly clear out our house and move halfway around the world to start a new job 2 months after he passed. He was supposed to have been moving with me to start a new life. I wound up subletting a small house in a very beautiful place. I was numb with grief and felt I was living in a very different world than all the happy families and couples I saw on the beach. It brought me out of my shell to watch them play in the sand and sea. It reminded me that there is a world that still lives and enjoys life.

A few years ago, I came home from work and found my partner of 20 years had died. The air was sucked out of my lungs, the ground was pulled out from under me. I hate that term "closure". There isn't any, just some moments of relief. These are good ideas, but kinda shop-worn. The passage of time helps ... some. The loss and pain is real and it's always "just now".

2/3 suffered from debilitating grief. When you can't eat sleep or think most of these ideas are huge efforts. Really there is nothing to do. It won't go away ever. Time is only helpful for lessening the pain some. Best to treat yourself like you are sick in the hospital for awhile. Basic needs are the goal.

Thank you for pulling together so many resources, and a variety of them. I will offer them to two clients of mine today.

I lost both mother and mother-in-law this year, about six months apart. I started my daily yoga practice up over the summer and made an effort to see friends in safe settings. It made a huge difference.

I lost the love of my life (breakup) last summer due to covid - issues we couldn’t resolve. I’m back to writing but the pain never goes away. I’ve met an amazing person but cannot open myself up to her, unfortunately. But having my writing published several times has given me a lift. I use my ex-gf as my audience and write to impress her. That’s all I got, plus exercise.

Having lost two sons I have learned that we must not only accept the pain, we must embrace it. This does not mean wallowing or dwelling it but it does mean making a place for the pain in your life. It may come and go of its own accord, triggered by the littlest thing, and sometimes it doesn't bother you when you expect it will. The pain is a clear sign of the depth of meaning of that person in your life. That pain says to you how much that person is worth it. By embracing it and not fighting it, you honor your loved one. At the same time you must live truly boldly! We learn we have one very short life and every moment counts. I have embraced the things and people I love in my life more than ever. It is a double life of sorts - living to the fullest while the pain is a frequent traveler on your journey. My purpose in life now is to live fully so that if I ever meet my two sons again, they will look me in the eye and say "way to go, dad!"

My wife died 17 years ago. The grief never ends, but somehow it becomes manageable. These are good suggestions, but I want to add one more: get enough sleep. (I got that advice from my wife's hospice,and it was invaluable.)