i think one of the reasons we give women "warnings" about how hard parenting is is because for so long NOBODY acknowledged how difficult it really was! All of the movies and TV shows glossed over the real struggles mothers faced and portrayed the experience in a very idealized Leave-It-To-Beaver way. We never saw Carol Brady trying to juggle six kids' schedules, a marriage and a fulfilling career (besides, she had Alice!). Only relatively recently have we begun to noticed and acknowledge how hard it is, and how much a woman has to give up of her own personhood, her own career, goals and dreams (other than the dream of having children). As for men not receiving the same sanctimonious advice, it is simply because -- despite all of the advances in equality, etc. -- studies have shown MOST new fathers don't spend as much time on the so-called second shift as new moms do. That said, i would do it all over again.
5
And my experience is completely different. I couldn't have children, for a variety of reasons. Motherhood is glorified in my generation and even the current generation. If you don't have children, you're seen as less than a woman. It's subtle but pervasive. Consider yourself blessed and fortunate. There is value in experiencing the selflessness of motherhood. True, you can experience this in other ways, and I'm not saying that chlldfree or childless women are selfish, but mothers have little choice and the opportunity (not guarantee, cuz there are plenty of selfish mothers) to attain this level of selflessness is easier for you. And the joy you get - priceless. It's not all about you. That's the problem with our society today.
2
One thing I've really embraced as a new mother is that there is no singular experience. I love that this author found such joy in the beginning. I think a lot of people do. But somehow this article reads tone deaf. Or not very compassionate if someone is having a hard time. I was surprised to hear that so many of her friends aren't having children because they think it will be so miserable. I've never heard that. That's interesting. The social media piece I also found puzzling. If anything, it seems people DO paint such a rosy picture all the time. To the point that it sometimes feels a little false to me. I love that this author wants to include in the dialogue of being a new mother that it can be truly awesome. Personally, I found the tone made me feel excluded. I've loved being a new mother, but have also felt a major life shift (tired, too busy, who am I?, am I doing this right?) that even a year in, it can still leave me discombobulated. I totally support this author's joy. But I am weary of the absolutes people proclaim about motherhood. It's so many things. I wish more people would let it be so.
7
I found motherhood quiet the opposite, everyone had painted it totally different for me. The most difficult thing I found, was accepting my new identity, the new me. The old me died, even though I tried very hard to cling on to it but I had to let her go and a new me was born. It is not just the birth of a baby, it is also the birth of a mother.
3
Well my experience was rather different. Many friends and family told me how wonderful and joyful motherhood was, but I was not prepared for the drudgery and tedium. I kept waiting for the joy which I didn’t necessarily feel. I guess it depends on your expectations and how easy or difficult your baby is. Also perhaps the amount of help you have at home.
9
I love motherhood, but there is a level of selflessness involved. You can't do all the things you want, like have a date with your hubby without someone crying at your feet, or spend money the way you want. I understand the article is to focus on the positive side of parenthood but we also can't forget reality. What I worry about are young people not understanding the level of emotional maturity and financial requirements of having a child.
To Diksha, having one kid with a flexible career, and family/financial support (either your husband makes a lot of money, or your family paid for your college debt, etc. to allow you to write without the risk of losing money), is hugely different than being a bread winner without a flexible career, with more than one young child, and few family/financial support. You come home tired and realize you can't have time for yourself, as it's now dedicated to helping your kid with homework, fixing dinner, and still giving affection. It's simply tiring, and it requires "selflessness". This is the reality some don't get; I don't wants grandparents who are suddenly parents again.
Parenthood is a choice, but like any choice, there are positive and negative outcomes. We need to face the negatives and approach it with a positive light. Perhaps balance your book's perspective with what the majority of the population is facing. Otherwise, your book is not for the general audiences. If, however, that's what you were going for, then more power to you.
4
@K The author's book does not appear to in any way relate to this essay.
2
I am sorry that so many contributors have to jump on "world overpopulation" and "women having children against their will" and "why our society does not support mothers in the workplace". We should celebrate ALL types of motherhood - even motherhood that is welcomed and afforded.
Enjoy your time with you little ones. As a mom of three - including 2 teen boys - life can be a struggle. It is those special moments I had with them as babies and toddlers - even many as they grew older - that keep me going.
Just today, I had the 14 year-old in the car driving to buy him a new pair of cleats. I reached over and started to tickle his neck and talk to him as I did when he was 3. He smiled....so did I.
8
Parenthood is a not as much of a sacrifice as a gift to each other!
2
Rebranded? Having a kid is not a product, either you want one or you dont.. billions of women have had them without needing it advertised to them a certain way. Of course a lot of sacrifice is involved. If you are not prepared for that do the unborn a favor & dont get pregnant.
5
Motherhood has a branding problem partly because of this reason, "fatherhood rarely receives such sanctimonious sympathy". The importance of fathers has been denigrated for a few decades now, while the purported benefits of nobility of single-motherhood is starting to show cracks in the false veneer- most single mothers are far from heroes, not every single dad was the villian, and the numbers are in and THEY DON"T LIE, single-parent homes are far worse for children and put them at far greater risk in life. We don't have to bring back the shame of single parenthood, everyone has their reasons, but let's stop the lie that it is so great, and maybe we won't have another generation if socially insecure, inept and entitled, and occasional very angry and violent children.
1
@A Modern Reader
I disagree that the supposed embrace by society of single motherhood is the problem. If anything, I feel mothers are venerated and held up as the model for womanhood--but then again, I am a single woman who mostly socializes at a biblically conservative church. Also, as a woman (with a bachelor's and graduate degree, with a sister with the same creds) who was raised by a single mother, they don't get nearly the credit they deserve for a very difficult job! We missed things by not having a dad, and I agree with you that the importance of fatherhood is totally underestimated in our society. But single moms deserve all the accolades in the world.
7
@A Modern Reader
What percentage of women across the US and the world do you suppose WANT to be single mothers. Very very few. Yes, in extremely privileged circumstances some women choose to be single mothers, but their kids rarely turn out to be angry and violent. The kids you are talking about (socially insecure, inept and entitled) are far more likely to be from homes in which parents (and more often fathers) don't make the personal sacrifices needed to stay together for the family unit and the kids.
2
@RB, no not all problems have a single cause just as there isn't one solution for all problems. But you fall into the anecdotal trap too many people fall into- you knew of someone who was a single mother and they happened to not have been reckless in getting pregnant or the reason the father left. I have known plenty of single mothers who can make anyone thing there should be a license required to have children. So which of us is right? Statistics show children of single parents are much more at risk of dropping out, doing drugs, teenage pregnancy, gang affiliation, low self-esteem and school dropouts. You have to look beyond your personal world and be open to the idea what is popular belief is not always accurate information.
The world is overpopulated. This overpopulation has and will continue to be the source of a lot of pain and suffering around the world. The more people decide to go child-free voluntarily, the better the quality of life for those children that ARE born. The glorification of motherhood and babies could do with less fuel and propaganda, rather than more.
1
From my perspective, it isn't the parenthood part that is so difficult -- my kid is a joy and I wouldn't trade being his mother for anything in the world. He makes every day brighter. It's being a mother in the USA that is awful. From the constant stream of judgments from -- and policing by! -- strangers, to shaming for being a working mom, to shaming for being a stay-at-home mom, to lost wages incurred by mothers (the research is pretty clear on this), to lost career paths and jobs, to the utterly incomprehensible lack of parental leave, to the utterly incomprehensible lack of health care for everyone, to the misogyny that still runs rampant, to the glorification of that very self-sacrifice (for mothers but not fathers) the author takes on, it frankly stinks to be a mother in this country. Leaving tiny babies because we are forced to go back to work after two weeks? Putting those babies in daycares run by ill-trained, poorly paid workers? Pumping breast milk in toilet stalls? Being shamed for not breast-feeding? Being shamed for breast-feeding -- but doing it in public? It is the selfishness of Americans who don't want to shell out for family leave, for universal health insurance, for adequate, equitable resources for schools, for social safety nets. It is our country's unwillingness to support families. Look in the mirror, folks. Greed and misogyny seem be at the heart of much of this. We should be in this together, but many of us seem to be in it only for ourselves.
28
Motherhood is HARD. I don't mean the exhaustion, the dwindling free time, the chores, the carpools, the activities, the impacted career or the obnoxious teenage years. It is hard because you are now emotionally tied to a person for life. Their pain is your pain. You suffer through their painful teenage years and sometimes the difficulties last long after that. The joy and love outweigh the hardships, but it is not for everyone and it is not easy and fun all the time - no matter how you tie or your optimistic attitude.
12
Motherhood is portrayed in the media in many ways from the drudgery of cleaning the kitchen floor after your kid spills, to sunshine and rainbows as a family enjoying a Disney cruise. There is truth in all of it. I become a mom during the "you can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan...and never let him forget he is a man..." era. The commercial and the optimism that told you that you could "have it all" - you could be a superwoman with career, family and a great sex life. Maybe if you were rich and could afford a full time nanny, maid and gardener...and a flexible workplace, oh and a personal trainer and personal shopper.
I gave up my career (in a family unfriendly industry) to raise my children as I felt I was the best one to raise them having purposefully brought them into this world.
But the unfortunate truth is that it was a huge sacrifice. I did give up my career and have not been able to recover from those years off. Unlike a writer who can make their own hours, my career required client services and my being available during business hours and beyond. I am now working a job below my abilities because of the sacrifice I made - I was no longer as employable and struggled to get back into professional life despite taking additional college classes and doing "all the right things." I love my children very much but I often mourn the loss of "me" in the deal. You can "rebrand" all you want, but truth be told. Hold the rainbows and unicorns....
13
I can say, I am so glad I didn't fall for the misconception that motherhood is a sacrifice. My two boys simply added to my life and we continued on.
3
Sure it's fun! There are sucky moments, to be sure, but kids are fun. They get to be more fun as they get bigger. Enjoy it and don't overthink it!
5
This was an awesome read and I enjoyed her perspective. Why not offer some optimistic encouragement to our friends who are moving into parenthood? They have a lot of priceless, beautiful moments to look forward to, and their experiences are going to be unique. Labor and delivery are going to be totally unique for every mom. From day one, learning to feed the newborn is going to be different for every mom. Bogging ladies down with all our warnings and "I told you so's" isn't helpful. I heard SO many horrifying labor stories whenever my pregnancy came up in conversation. So many stories about never washing ones hair, not going on dates or out with friends anymore. Not helpful. I really didn't need that.
But at the same time, when I hear moms sharing their frustrations, even pregnant women who haven't given birth yet, I totally feel for them and let them vent. Motherhood IS hard, and while we should offer lots of optimism and encouragement, we need to acknowledge that what moms do is difficult, and it's not bad for them to vent to a friend when things are hard. I saw a meme a while ago that said, "If parenting advice books were honest, they would really only be a soggy piece of paper that said 'Literally no one knows.' " I had to laugh. We're all just doing our best.
5
A new mother is less likely to see motherhood as a sacrifice if her family lives nearby and she has abundant resources and support. When I lived in Brooklyn with a newborn, my family was halfway across the continent, full daycare (which I couldn't afford) was close to $20K a year, and I spent almost 12 hours a day alone with the baby. If anything, I feel that the stark realities of modern parenting have largely been obscured by the soft-focus cult of mommyhood.
7
Parenting is one of the most difficult and probably rewarding things anyone can do. But to say that more people ought to have children is thoroughly misguided. Parenting should be done only by those who truly want to have children and who possess the skill set required for this challenging endeavor. This seriously overpopulated world does not need more people. It only needs people who are brought into the world by choice and raised by people who are completely committed to raising wonderful people.
3
I loved this piece, thank you! And your daughter is lucky to have you!
2
Motherhood is not a "brand". People are not "brands". We are humans- with character and virtues. Is being a mother a vehicle for self-aggrandizement? Sometimes it is hard to see otherwise considering this social media and advertising overloaded culture. Motherhood is a vocation whether it is joyfully prepared-for, or unexpectedly so. To the author's remark of it being an exercise in sacrifice-- yes, it absolutely is! However, I think that the paradigm shift lies within ourselves, to understand the incredible nobility in sacrifice. Love requires sacrifice. The greatest proof is to forgo the self-indulgent life to prepare your children for the world.
G.K. Chesterton wrote, "How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe?"
Being a mother is difficult, it is challenging BECAUSE it is so important for society.
11
My wife and I recently married and we have been considering children. As a male I can safely say that I've often been warned about the tremendous toll children can take on young dads. I know it's at a whole different level for women, but this seems to encompass the general vibe I get from my male friends who are fathers. This is great to read nonetheless. It really distills that mystery joy parents seems to uniquely understand. That being said, it seems a little brash to rebrand or gloss over the fact that being a mother or being a parent can be incredibly stressful and demanding. Most of the parents we know have spoken of the ups and downs parenthood presents. For those of us in offices or workplaces where seclusion and making your own schedule aren't an option, it's probably very tough as a young parent - even if it's worth it overall. Can't motherhood (or fatherhood) be both a sacrifice but incredibly rewarding. Aren't most great things in life earned through handwork and sacrifice?
6
My second wife and I have 4 children (all boys) between us. Both of us in our first marriages thought two should be the limit; the environmentally responsible thing to do. We're glad we did.
We also have 3 sets of kids that decided to go childless for different reasons. We only have one grand son who is a great joy.
Having just read Krugman discussing world population growth going from 3 billion to nearly 8 billion in a span of sixty years or so, I am glad that some young people have decided to go childless given all the environmental challenges overpopulation is creating for our earth. Like someone once said: "There is no Planet B."
3
My experience has been the complete opposite of the author's. I've found that I was wholly unprepared for motherhood as most people only spoke of the joys and not the challenges or sacrifices. Particularly when you don't have an adequate support network of extended family around you.
9
@Charmaine I could not agree with you more. As I read this article I kept thinking God I sure could have used a few people telling me how hard motherhood is and all the sacrifices and challenges one faces. When my kids were little I felt like I was surrounded by people who painted motherhood as an endless joy and like something was wrong with me for missing me time and my career and finding it all to be a huge adjustment. I felt like I became invisible and people always expect you to be happy.
3
@Claudia and Charmaine
I too felt out of touch with this piece. Parenthood is a struggle, it's a huge transition and when I struggled with the transition I was hard on myself, "why am I not overjoyed at all times?" "why does this seem so hard for me and no one else?" "what am I doing wrong?" etc etc. It ended up being a huge comfort to know that the difficulties I experienced were completely normal and pretty shared among other women. We do each other and ourselves a disservice when we don't share our struggles.
I’m so grateful for your comments, because I too couldn’t relate to the main narrative of this piece. Early motherhood was hugely lonely and challenging and I felt deeply inadequate because I just couldn’t find the joy in it. It’s only when I found a group of moms who were real and honest about all the aspects of parenthood - happy and hard - that I really finally accepted the journey.
1
The author writes: "Maybe more of us would have children if it weren’t seen as such an exercise in sacrifice. If we weren’t told that we were going to lose every bit of the self we had finally grown to love."
--
What a sad, sour, spoiled attitude. I was born in 1946, so I grew up in the 1950s. There were lots of children in my middle-class neighborhood. We all played together and had plenty of opportunities to get to know one another's parents. Never in all those growing-up years did I ever hear a mom complain that her role as a parent was "an exercise in self-sacrifice," nor that she had lost "every bit of self" they had grown to love. On the contrary, they showed every sign of finding self-esteem and satisfaction in bringing up their children to be responsible, motivated adults. I just cannot fathom the warped attitudes of mothers like Diksha Basu. I feel sorry for her and all women like her.
4
@Sabrina Davis Did you read the entire thing? She talks about the joy and how fulfilling it is, and how laughing with your kid is the best thing she's ever experienced. She was critiquing the common narrative in the quote you quoted, not espousing it as her own.
1
That's probably because Mom didn't have to work.
@Sabrina Davis In 1975 Ann Landers asked readers: “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?” Of more than 10,000 responses, 70 per cent said “no." The complexity of feelings women have around motherhood are far from new. You might not have heard a mother saying these things out loud, it doesn't mean they weren't thinking it.
1
I agree wholeheartedly that parenthood is one of those joys in life that truly can't be explained or understood until you have them. And it is joyous as well as terrifically difficult. That said, I think it's interesting WHY motherhood and sacrifice are so tightly linked.
It could be that the way society has put the majority of the "work" around children on women vs men, and then we're expected to do it so completely without much in the way of societal support. Men "sacrifice" (if by that we mean personal freedom) too by having to provide for the family, especially if they hate their jobs, again because there's so little societal support.
I'm all for rebranding motherhood more equally but it will have to be done along with a truer depiction of women's roles in society. Then we'll also have to do fatherhood while we're at it.
7
Can Parenthood be all of the above? Sacrifice and Joy are intimately connected. Sacrifice is hard, but the source of Joy is found in the giving of one's self to the beloved, as is love, and often pain.
Perhaps our society is transfixed by the taking of happiness from virtual appeal, when true happiness lies nearer to relationship- a place so different that we never need to confuse the joy of childrearing with the selfishness of vanity, nor compare the strife of motherhood to a lack of fulfillment.
1
I grew up in the 60's. Im a guy. Women asserted themselves all over the place then. What none of us knew yet , then, was that women had ticking time limitations on their momability. Our moms were encouraged and even demeaned if not married by age 21 or so. We then thought it barbarous. Now, we know nature-for it's own reasons, made these limits on a woman-and on men, too, for it's own reasons. Finally we can, now, avoid or evade these difficulties. However, I have seen many moms and kids over more then half a century-I know there is a good time to have kids and there are disastrous times. Mostly, as nature once limited people-sticking to the "have kids when you're young" modality, seems a good idea. I have seen 50 year old women try to deal with the anger of a 12 year old daughter beginning to "shape" up. Boys are even harder on the soul and muscles. One needs to be physically as well as mentally prepared. A book will wait to have fresh paper. A baby's diaper needs attention-now. . . .
1
I feel like this article was meant for me to read. I have long-feared encountering motherhood because I would be losing my self and sacrificing all I've earned. Your perspective is helpful. Thank you!
2
Finally. An article about parenthood that's not about how awful it is. Recently that narrative has become so overwhelming.
Thank you for this!
3
I can't imagine what my life would be like without the presence of my wonderful son and now my blessed grandsons. I am a widow, after a happy marriage, in my lower eighties, have a Ph.D. and spent most of my adult life in some version of teaching in academia. Motherhood was an unexpected gift to me and I have never felt more fulfilled or more essential than when my son was small and never felt deeper love and a greater sense of attachment to another human being. Being a mother would be the last thing I would give up in life. And now in old age, how grateful I am to have a close, loving and mutually respectful relationship with my son and grandsons and to know I will never be abandoned.
8
I didn't have kids until after 35. I thought I would miss work and all the blah blah that is supposed to go with it. I didn't. I prefer my kids at every opportunity. I will give you some advice. When your kid gets older, give them the choice to be their own person, too, and if you are lucky maybe they will choose you back. Mine did. Lucky me.
5
I am a Dad, not a Mom, but your observations are wonderful. Even for men, when you marry, you change your life, and when you become a father, you change your life again.
As you state, you make a choice that restricts other choices, but in reality, most significant choices in life have that effect. Choosing to be a parent is a significant choice.
On having two under two? Before long, they will both be over two, so that so called dilemma is short lived. Yes, there will be a lot of diapers for a brief time. In time, it will not matter at all.
Parenthood is a world onto itself. As you said, the wonder of the things you will hear from your own child, the humor, the love, the insight, transcends everything else.
As a father of three, I would not trade that experience for anything. It has been a joy at each stage of their lives as they have grown.
4
Oh please, why does everything have to be about "branding." Everyone experiences motherhood in their own way, or chooses to have children (or not) for their own reasons. I really enjoy my kid (and my profession) but why should anyone have kids because I, or anyone else, says "Meh, its not that hard."
5
As one of those older women who would have noticed the cute face your daughter made in the restaurant and smiled, what a day brightener your piece is but then, I read the comments. I have noticed the trend of focusing on the negatives of motherhood and the self-sacrifice it requires. Of course motherhood AND fatherhood challenge us, there are lots of tough times to navigate but at the risk of sounding "tone deaf", I appreciate you being brave enough to reveal the fun and joy a baby can bring into one's life! A little focus off of one's self can be a welcome relief. And then there is the fierce love that can put a lot of what we experience into perspective.
I know parenthood isn't the same for everyone and I empathize with those whose life circumstances make having children a struggle. Even so I want to be able to say without being trolled, even on the tough days, my two daughters filled me with joy when they were babies, when they were teenagers, and now that they are young women, they still do. I can't imagine my life without them.
19
First, I would like to take issue with some commenters that the author's article is a projection of privilege; this is a reductionist and dismissive way to read the work of others. Neither is Ms. Basu or any other author obligated to include all other perspectives in her writing, such as the perspective of those who cannot or struggle to have children. This is obviously outside the scope of the article, especially such a short one.
Second, I wonder if the many warnings and sympathies extended to new mothers like Ms. Basu are, in part, a result of our American tendency to ascribe value primarily to those things which are perceived as difficult or challenging. If motherhood is perceived as all snuggles and kisses, the reasoning goes, others may not respect it so highly and may judge us for choosing motherhood. I don't agree with this perspective, but it seems to me that a key way Americans establish something as worthy of respect is by demonstrating how hard it is instead of, say, how important, significant, meaningful, or beautiful it is.
13
I liked this article although it didn't really say how to rebrand motherhood? Let's rebrand it.....before you have a baby and you are a Mother, ensure your support group understand what the rebranding looks like. Significant other, in-laws, family and friends need to know what you hope will happen and how they can help. The traditional role for mom's won out in my family....and I went back to work because I felt like I was under appreciated and did everything from middle of the night care, day care, dinners, entertainment, house work, finances...etc.
So yes, let's rebrand motherhood and make it a 24/7 joy!
3
@Jen Mirabile
How can you rebrand the "New" motherhood when it is in fact often a hellish experience for many women! Having children is not the same as it was 40 or even 20 years ago! Today children need to be watched at all times...you can no longer send your 8 year old off into the neighborhood for the day to play. You must instead entertain them...you are overwhelmed with car seat regulations, proper diets, doctors visits and homework. Add in afterschool activities or the entertainment you must give your child (who can not run the neighborhood on their own) and you are at the peak of what you can actually handle! The problem isn't complaining parents the problem is the new demand children are given. You must earn your children's respect in this day and age and its made for a generation of very needy and demanding children. Ask a teacher the difference between schooling 30 years ago and they will have an ear full for you! Its not about the parents complaining its about the social pressure parents are given to raise their children in the most 'politically correct' manner.
"Motherhood, parenthood, is a choice — like getting married, writing a book or choosing one city to call home — and like all those choices, it means forgoing other choices."
I would disagree that motherhood is a choice. Had someone told me that it was my choice, that I had a choice, I may have done things differently. It just never occurred to me that I may wish to be single, or be child-free. I went with the flow/expectation, got married and had kids, and yes, it was hard. I stopped living my life for about 20 years to raise a family, and now that my children are older, I'm having a ball doing everything FOR ME. It has been a big sacrifice. I wished I had received more warnings and learned that I had options.
4
@JH Don't mean to pick on your comment, but that's part of the insanity (of not having children). I guess growing out of the early teenage years, it's something that my mother would say - at times jokingly - and when angry with my father, then for real. Soon afterwards, or in the days following - because, OF COURSE, she doesn't mean it - we'd sometimes contemplate what else would there be to do in life... It's a real question. How would it be, to only take? What would be the point. :)
@v1adimir
If you mean by "how would it be, to only take," that being "childfree" is selfish, we've got a problem. I find it VERY selfish to push out yet another human being on an over crowded, under resourced, and increasingly hostile planet earth. We in America by and large have access to birth control. We can control our reproduction which is untrue for so many. We also over use resources, so a child in Venezuela is not the equal of even an impoverished child in America. Additionally, if we're really talking about "LOVE" and babies, how is it loving to want to play house for 18 years and then shove yet another human being into a world PROJECTED to have 30% fewer jobs, and those being lower-skilled ones at that. Food scarcity, air quality, pollution, oceans that can't feed us, heat spells, floods, and sitting in traffic is not a world I want to live in. We live in a time where industrialized nations' adult populations are obese and diabetic. Life expectancy is falling for the middle class and Alzheimer's care will cost 20 trillion in the next 40 years. Do I need to go on? Because I can.
Childfree, guilt free and 100% unselfish.
Many commenters have attacked the author's so-called privilege. That is unfair and misses the main point of the piece. That said, many middle-class couples DO limit childbearing, and not because they need the experience rebranded. They simply can't afford it. Daycare for two children under two would run $30,000 per year or more; and not long ago the Times ran an article about the costs of maternity: one new mother had paid $40,000 for prenatal visits and delivery. College tuition in 20 years? The prospect is terrifying. Containing all of these costs is essential, but it's not on the horizon in the US.
9
Motherhood IS a sacrifice. Just consider what happens to women's bodies as a result of pregnancy: anemia, diabetes, blood loss, calcium deficiency, etc. Even with adoptions, some birthing mother's body had to go through the demands of pregnancy. Is it worth it? I don't know. I never wanted children and I still don't. Having children IS a choice.
3
I'm a 45 year old stay at home dad to my 2 year old daughter. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's new minted my experience of the world; the word I constantly use to describe it is Psychedelic: mind manifesting.
4
Motherhood and fatherhood literally provide the best opportunities for joy and fulfillment. Of course it's a sacrifice to be a parent - otherwise there would be little joy, and no fulfillment.
3
Really can't read all of these. I just have to say since when does motherhood have to be one thing or another. Motherhood is a life time commitment, it can be a blessing and fun and a sacrifice all at the same time. Parent/child relationships take on depth and change through out all stages of life. The sacrifice can become a blessing in time and vise versa. Enjoy parenting and insist on the recognition for the sacrifice.
11
@Stephanie
I love your comment, Stephanie. How about if we stop telling people how to feel, or pushing them to confirm our own opinions and decisions?
How about if we stop handing out useless negative advice and opinions? When a friend of mine heard that the daughter of a colleague was marrying a man she had been living with, she felt the need to point out that living together doesn't improve the chances of the couple staying together. What did that accomplish other than depressing her colleague? It's not like he can use that information. I thought it was a piece of cruel showing off.
One time, when a friend told me that her son had been in a terrible accident, I started telling her about a friend who had a similar injury. She didn't want to hear it, until I ended by saying that it took a while, but he made a full recovery and there was every hope for her son. Then she was grateful, but I certainly wouldn't have told her the story if it had ended badly. It wouldn't have helped, and I wasn't trying to make her feel worse.
Why don't we just wish people well in their endeavors, and give up the dubious pleasure of trying to bill ourselves as experts by assuring them that decisions they've already committed themselves or situations that they are stuck with to are sure to end badly? If they had wanted our advice, they would have asked for it, so don't open your mouth unless you have something actually useful to say.
12
@ElizabethRUp I think you raise some good points. What I am about to say I believe applies to people across the board: moms, dads, men, women, teenagers, young, and old.
There are people who share stories with good intentions, to lift people up or to impart some well-meaning wisdom. However, there are others that seem to share the stories to say "look at me, look at how hard this is, validate me!" It's as if someone else can experience their misery, then it's all for the better. The "I'm miserable, so I want you to be as well." I see that with so many people, mothers included. I see women with joy in mothering, and, to them, it's not a competition to be the most miserable or the most self-sacrificing. I believe those people exist. Maybe when we value mothers more in our corporate world, more women will feel value in the sacrifice they are making.
It comes down to the mindset. Yes, there are struggles and tough times, but imparting reality and a helping insight versus competing to see who has it the roughest is more than just motherhood.
Sadly, it is largely an American thing that judges motherhood as something less.
My lovely bride of Indian descent (Indian, not Native American) was a wonderful full time mother. Our children benefited from her full time attention. Though I am American, (descended from many generations of hillbillies and farmers ) during the early years, we did not live in the US. She was happy being a mother. It was a respected position. The children were happy and well developed - speaking early, 'potty trained' earlier than Americans seem to be and without the drama I have seen associated with it.
Full time motherhood IS an occupation. We didn't need a second income. Everyone was happy. She was proud and felt fulfilled. The children were the proof that what she was doing WAS important. (Frankly, certainly far more important work than a few dollars deposited in the bank weekly.....)
THEN we moved to where there were Americans..... "Oh, you don't work?" "Don't you feel you could do more?" "You don't feel something is missing?"
Only then did she start to wonder if she was less than she was - start doubting her own self-worth.
Sad. They took the noblest job anyone could hope for and made it feel unimportant.
I understand that some mothers MUST work. But that doesn't make motherhood something less. It IS a wonderful occupation and any implication it isn't comes from some sad lacking of self-respect in those questioning it.
23
I wonder if we’ll ever be able to have a meaningful conversation about complex ideas without comparing them to Instagrammable moments. Much of the world is not fodder for social media. It’s real, it’s messy, it’s personal (not shareable), and it’s too nuanced to be captured by a photo and a tag line.
And for the moms with younger kids, let me offer an alternate view of the teen years — they can be great too. Older kids have more complicated problems but it’s still thrilling to be on the ride with them. They have ideas and opinions, they’re changing every day and can stun you with their depth. My mom used to tell me, “Every age is my favorite age.” I tend to agree. Love your kids, love your life, and find joy in the hand you are dealt. And for your kids’ sake, don’t broadcast their entire childhood online.
14
Even in the absence of everything that would make bringing a child into the world, i.e., financial security, a helpful spouse, good food, time off, a secure roof over one's head, etc., an infant remains a mother's sunshine. That sunshine is seen in that little person's eyes and smile. Moms do not sacrifice and receive nothing in return, but rather, they are granted wisdom, knowledge of self and memories which will endure until you die.
To facilitate a Mom's memories of her infant, open the little hand in the palm of your hand. In the future, you will never forget how small your infant once was. My infant is now 42 years old, six foot three and a wonderful gentleman. I often look at my palm and I smile. Whatever you do, don't pass up the opportunity to be a mommy out of fear of change, obligation or because of a belief that motherhood is a thankless job. Of course I speak as a 68 year old woman.
13
Wow! Some of these comments are awful. I’m sorry but not every single article has to be about who has “privilege” and who doesn’t. And it’s really okay for a woman to talk about a baby as a blessing instead of a sacrifice. Yes it’s both. We all get that. Yes sometimes it’s not a “choice” or it happens at a time when it’s not ideal. Yes, we get that not everyone choices to have kids. Yes some people have kids and hate it. Yes, there are people who really struggle with infertility and it is tragic. But tearing down a hard working mother who is trying to bring a positive perspective to a difficult life transition doesn’t change that. This was a beautiful article and I’m really glad someone has finally said it. Yes...it’s ok to hold on to some of your identity after you have a baby. It’s so good for a child to see their parents are still trying to pursue different goals and passions. It makes the idea of growing up a little less scary.
19
It's not "seen" as an exercise in self-sacrifice, it often IS.
Luck has a whole lot to do with it, especially the genetic kind. Privilege also: monetary, familial, racial, environmental, etc.
Coming from the perspective of a parent of a child with disabilities, I have found that the lucky and privileged don't "see" their advantages and tend to credit themselves, while the unlucky or unprivileged take the blame, and shoulder their responsibilities with very little support.
11
Interesting article and a lot of good points here although I can see the need for a balanced conversation which doesn’t hide away either the joys or challenges of motherhood. What’s missing here is the fertility community - those that really do want to become mothers but struggle to
I never wanted kids. And never regretted my decision. And I would say so whenever I was backed into a corner by someone determined to publicly make me see the error of my ways.
And then later, I would invariably be approached in some private corner by some woman who would quietly say that, if she had her life to live over, she would NOT have had kids.
So where do you get the argument that women see motherhood as some kind of "exercise in sacrifice?"
7
Good for you! But please don't frame your life in a way to try and convince the rest of us to have children. That's an old ploy which many of us had to duck, dodge and dive under in order to be the person we wanted to be. I'm 62 and after witnessing the sheer drudgery of child rearing by the the WWII generation, I said no thanks.
Many of us have no regrets and it has nothing to do with being scared off. I think we had a pretty clear vision of parenthood, supplied by the world around us.
25
Yes, there is joy, but motherhood is hard work, emotionally draining and really hard. There is a Russian proverb - small children, small problems. Big children, big problems. My two girls are now 18 (almost 19) and 15, on their way to being sophomores in college and high school respectively. There was joy in the younger years and there is joy now, but there is fear and worry. Fear that as my older bisexual daughter makes her way in this world that she will be subject to fear, hatred and danger. Fear that my younger daughter will be crippled by the anxiety and anger she has been fighting in therapy for the last year. To me, in retrospect, 0-5 were easy, no matter how little sleep I had. 13 and up is when it gets REAL and the bone-shaking fear keeps you up at night about trying to help them navigate the cruel adult world.
13
You get out of things what you put into them, and motherhood requires putting in - sacrificing - so much. The payoff is huge, and yes, fun, but be real. It is a huge sacrifice, especially for mothers.
For many of us, it starts with weeks of vomiting, and sacrificing things like a competitive sports for a year. Then you go through what is for many people the worst pain of their life prior to whatever they die of. That's followed by breastfeeding, which can be tremendously rewarding, but needs to be done every 2 to 3 hours, 24 hours a day, by mom, of course. For us, colic was next - hours of daily crying. Many women find themselves sacrificing or stepping back from their career, either quitting or mommy-tracking.
I could go on, but I think people get the point. Motherhood is hard. It's wonderful and worth it, but I think it's like training for the Olympics or something. You sacrifice a tremendous amount for the unique joy of parenting.
14
@Ohana The Olympics sound so much more fun.
"Maybe more of us would have children if..."
Because one thing we need more than anything in a world of 7 billion people that is being toxified by humanity is more people to have children.
20
On the other hand, women are having children later and later in life (in this society), at times incurring into a significant amount of pain and stress (and expenses) due to the need for fertility treatment not necessarily successful. Not being put off by misconceptions could help some of *these*women who ends up choosing to have children so late that it’s impossible for them due to their age and end up spend the rest of their lives regretting to have waited. Not every woman wants to be a mother, but the one of us who do at times wait for the wrong reasons.
Who have you been talking to or hanging out with might be a start?
What weird feedback the author gets from friends/acquaintances.
Maybe it's when one is out of the literary world (though that diminishes/questions those in it - or is it a "fast track" thing?), that the experience, for father or mother, is so entirely different from that which the author relates.
Glad she overcame it?
2
Ha, ha, a single daughter under the age of two.
That is strictly amateur status.
Wait until you have three or four teen-aged kids and then you earn the right to brag how joyful and easy parenting can be,
21
@TW Who required you to have "three or four teen-aged kids?" Because if you have that many teenagers, you opted to have that many babies.
I raised one child; all of my friends and many of my acquaintances have chosen to raise one or two children. Sure, kids are a delight, but they need a great deal of thought & attention to guide them through their journey to independence. That takes energy, and time.
We can all help the planet, ourselves, and our children by choosing to have smaller families.
3
I am a mother of two girls. When I found out my second baby was to be a daughter, some of the feedback I received was pity and disappointment. Because the assumption was that my female children would make me miserable. I have always resented that assumption! My daughters are amazing, and the day I entered into this crazy ride, I have always seen them as a gift, and so they are. Moms, do not let others tell you what experience you are entitled to have!
16
Wait until your kid is in middle school. You will change your tune quick. How nice you had a choice to have a child. Many women don't. How nice you still have money. For many women, children come with poverty, lost wages, lost careers and endless financial struggle. You lucked out and got a decent child (so far). How different your story would be if you had borne a difficult child, one that is out of control or destroys instead of loves. You can "rebrand" and lie to prospective mothers all you want; reality will set in all the same.
17
ANOTHER story about the glories of bearing children? On. The. Front. Page. Of. The. Digital. Edition. There were at least 3 of these articles last week and now we have this to start our Mondays. Hey, NYT -- enough already! If I wanted to subscribe to Parenthood magazine, I would. I am aware that the birthrate in the U.S. is falling, but I do not think this barrage of artcles is the "solution" to this "crisis."
22
I think society shows parenthood as waaayyyyy more fun than it is already.
15
@Stacy K
Long past time to eliminate child deductions from the 1040.
2
I’d like to see the author revisit this article after her children have gone through the terrible twos or experienced middle school. It’s the hardest job she’ll ever love.
4
I have a very strong willed two year old right now and an adhd 3rd grader...a full time job and a husband very engrossed with his work at a start up tech company...motherhood not much fun right now, in fact I feel like I’m losing my mind.
17
@Caro I am sure the author will have a different perspective, but I don't know that she will disagree with herself. I have two kids that I am sending off to college this weekend and another still in grade school, and each year that goes on, I feel less and less as if I gave anything up and more and more as if my children just added to my "me." I don't even remember those 2s and while middle school was not fun, it went pretty quickly.
4
Hmm. If it's so wonderful, why do you have to rebrand it?
13
Eight billion of us on this planet. We are not for want of humanity. Viewpoints like this are rooted in xenophobic ethnocentricity. We just want the RIGHT color and class of women to have babies. Let us rejoice in women making the right decisions for themselves and a hope that women who currently lack choice will have it in the future.
7
It that was true, abortion and birth control would be free worldwide.
The global population increased by ~ 83 million people in 2017.
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_growth)
At this rate we're due to hit the 8 billion humans mark in 2023.
I'm not sure we need articles encouraging more people to experience the joys of motherhood.
8
Have fun with that.
3
if you have a job and you don't have staff, you will have to choose whether to work, put your infant in daycare, or stay home
this piece is written from a tone deaf place of privilege
21
An awful lot of words and pontificating to express what most of us already know. Motherhood (and parenthood in general) done right is very much a mixed bag. You lose a heck of a lot of time and money. But the rewards can be amazing. The words “branding” and “rebranding” need to die.
20
Look at all the judgmental opinions from other mothers and non-mothers. Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemy.
12
TIP: Pair this piece with the NYTimes magazine piece last week about our doomed warming planet to experience maximum cognitive dissonance.
20
I don’t think rebranding is the answer to encouraging motherhood. (I’m not even sure motherhood should be encouraged at a time where development and climate change is imperiling the future. I’m glad the author is joyful and has the energy to balance motherhood and writing.) But that doesn’t mean we all have that energy. Women should have the freedom to make their own choices about motherhood without implicit or explicit criticism for their choices.
8
Motherhood is a choice. You either choose to be one or choose not to be.
What a beautiful world now to live in.
Women now get to choose.
19
When I read comments about sacrificing ones career/job etc, I always wonder what fabulous job these women have that is alway fulfilling and stress-free. I never had one of those jobs. Work is often boring, nearly always exhausting, frustrating, filled with difficult co-workers/bosses. Then there are those "glamorous" business trips filled with small uncomfortable seats, delayed flights, lousy food, sleepless nights in a hotel room that is too hot/too cold.
So where is all the angst about work? And is this really seen as preferable to being a parent? Is it not exchanging one set of the occasional unpleasant circumstance, for another? Or is it that trying to do BOTH at the same time that is the problem? If the job is frustrating/exhausting/soul-killing, and the same is at home being a parent, then perhaps it's because our glass is now total empty and there is little hope of a refill?
I also wonder if the lack of knowledge about how to be a mother is not also part of the problem? Tennis (or any sport) is a very frustrating game if one does not know how to do it well enough to actually get any pleasure from it. The same is true of being a parent. When I was a young mother, my friends were a great support - they passed on much wisdom that made my job easier. It appears that today, other mothers just run one another down.
There is lots of over-thinking about everything these days. Remember that Dr Spock said, 'You know more than you think you do.".
8
Not always fabulous and fulfilling but I would never give up the intellectual satisfaction I get from my profession and interacting with my colleagues. It is unfortunate that you did not experience that but don't throw shade at those of us who do.
@India I totally agree with your work comment! I have 3 children (2 in college), so I think I know how hard it is. And every time I hear someone say that being a parent is the hardest/most stressful/ most thankless job they've ever had, I think they must have had some pretty decent jobs. Give me cracked nipples, potty training, lost homework, etc.any day over any day I spent as an associate in a law firm!
Severely damaged children, children with mental, physical and emotional handicaps that will require an entire lifetime of care, and planning for care after their own lives end.
Drug addicted children, violent, criminal children. Children with some genetic 'twist' which turns most of life into a nightmare for the parents.
Somehow all the comments here seem to focus on the best possible outcome, a healthy, stable child, and even then this is the hardest job most of us will ever undertake.
And several commenters have noted what I did not put in my first post: Wait till you have a teenager, wait until your child blames you for the sorrow in his/her life, life with a health happy child is a dream until the true work of separation starts...and start it must.
I am 76 and I have listened to women in their 20's, 30's and 40's as they described what seemed to be almost hatred for their mothers, resentment, criticism, and pure reluctance to be with them. Fathers seem to get off easy in comparison.
And I have heard the anger and terror of a woman who never knew what actual motherhood would be like. She felt lied to and cheated and furious with the world. All the while tending to an infant.
I don't think 'rebranding' is gonna cut it.
Only extensive maternal and paternal leave, subsidized quality child care, and guaranteed medical care will begin to make motherhood attractive and more bearable.
24
And don't forget a free college education or more and more kids will be dependent into their late 20s.
3
@CDuke
College education would be much less important if high schools actually spent all of the 4 years actually imparting knowledge to the kids
This piece, dripping with obnoxious amounts of privilege, suggests that all mothers could be idly, deliriously happy if we would just stop listening to the naysayers.
I hate to break it to Ms. Basu, but for most women around the world -- and yes, even in America -- motherhood is challenging for far bigger reasons than the warnings we receive about how hard parenting is.
Most mothers in America don't have the privilege of going on holiday to our parents' vacation home in upstate New York. Most mothers don't have the luxury to be full-time novelists with flexible schedules. Most mothers don't have posh Williamsburg apartments with sunny windows, Sunday breakfasts and lunches eaten at expensive cafes and restaurants. (See here: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/30/nyregion/how-diksha-basu-a-novelist-s...
Instead, we spend our Sundays at Wal-Mart because we don't live in Brooklyn, New York -- we don't have cute little cafes to eat in. Instead of occasionally "writing only when the mood strikes," we work one or two or more jobs, alternating parenting shifts with our spouse, just to earn enough money to pay for childcare and healthcare for our baby. We didn't get enough maternity leave, and it was unpaid leave at that. We're consumed with financial worry.
We are probably physically unwell, too -- the United States ranks as the worst country in the developed world for maternal health.
In sum: Ms. Basu (and the New York Times!), check your privilege.
53
Here is the correct link to the story about how Ms. Basu spends her Sundays: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/30/nyregion/how-diksha-basu-a-novelist-s...
How silly of me to assume, when commenting on the NYT site, that I could properly punctuate that sentence by closing the parentheses!
Motherhood doesn't need branding. Or rebranding.
It needs the truth. Get rid of the social stigma for women who choose not to be moms. It's better for kids.
I personally find motherhood to be a joy (and sacrifice). But I also make a lot of money in a job I love that fulfills me beyond baby making, have a helpful husband, hired help and access to good healthcare and diet (i.e. I can exercise and keep pretty close to my pre baby weight). Every woman should have this.
And if I didn't have these things, maybe I wouldn't do it. Or just one kid instead of two.
That's the truth.
31
I'm a father. That may disqualify me from commenting. But in my job I often speak with young people about to have their first child. I tell them the same thing every time, from my own experience: I don't remember what I used to think was the meaning of life. Everything will change especially what you think is important and what seems like fun. I keep copies of small kid classics like Goodnight Moon and One Fish Two Fish, and give them a few. And I think "you are in for the adventure of your life."
12
I think a huge indicator of a mother's experience has to be the level of support she receives, from her partner (if she has one), her family, her job, and her community. That's an important part of this conversation, and it has nothing to do with "branding." Maybe having the privilege of having a healthy baby (who seems to sleep OK) and being able to stay home and write a book is awesome. I wouldn't know.
18
The comments I Received when I was pregnant was how wonderful, what a joy and all of the positive sides of motherhood. Nothing prepared me for the difficulties. So to me, I was desperate to hear from people who would “keep it real “so that I knew I was not crazy for having a rough time with very little sleep and barely being able to find time to eat, go to the bathroom, or any other basic functions for myself. Some people have easy babies, some people have babies; some people have partners and family that can help a lot and some don’t. Good for you that your experience has been positive. I had wish someone would have warned me a bit more and for me, having people acknowledge how difficult it can be, allowed me to enjoy it more because I knew I was not Crazy for struggling a lot with the immense responsibilities. And yes, I asked for these responsibilities. But that does not change the fact that it can be extremely difficult. I could go into a lot more detail but I would say you should be thankful for how easy and joyful your experience is. Don’t judge those of us who need to express the full range of the experience including the negatives.
44
@Pandora -- THANK YOU! You hit the nail on the head.
Yeah, wonder if she will be singing the same tune if her second isn't as easy as the first? My first was not easy and I will not be having a second.
I am happy for you as a mom of a 7 yr old myself that you are feeling the joy of motherhood. While I understand that reading and hearing other mom and dad’s stories might not resonate with you. Every parent’s experience is different. But please understand that many parents bought into a myth of what parenthood is “supposed to be” with your child bonding with you at the Breast, sleeping like a baby, and the next stage of your life fulfilled. For some parents who wanted to be parents it’s sleepless nights, feeling like a cow instead of nourishing your baby, feeling inadequate, trying to do the right thing 100% of the time and failing because no is perfect. While I’m happy for your experience, let’s get real it’s unfair that you project your experience onto others. I can’t tell you how much my husband and I love being parents to our son but we’re honest that it’s peaks and valleys.
15
When I hit my 20s, I had a conversation similar to this with my father. At 23, I couldn't understand why someone would "give up" their vibrant life - parties, late nights, casual dating, autonomy! - to be a parent! Didn't that ruin your life!?
My dad had an answer similar to the author. It's still fun, it's just a different TYPE of fun. It was fun to teach us to throw a softball. It was fun taking us trick-or-treating with the local parents. It was fun lifting us up and watching us laugh.
Now, at 27, I'm starting to see my social media feeds flooded with new babies and new parents. And while I'm still not sure if I want children, they really do look happy. They look tired, but they are smiling. Instead of going to bars, I bring a bottle of wine to their house to chat. And my dad is right - it's just as fun.
7
One friend told me that being a parent was, "the hardest job you'll ever love." That's been my experience. I also enjoyed parenting, and now that my kids are in college, I miss the everyday interactions. It definitely needs to be approached with a sense of humor and humility, but it's a great ride.
10
My experience is pretty much the opposite of the author's. There's a pressure out there to "enjoy parenting", to love having a kid, to thinking it's the best thing out there. There's a pressure out there that says childless people really missing out... to the point that childless people who don't actually want children will question and doubt themselves ("could it possibly be normal to not want children??"). When you have a newborn or toddler, numerous people ask how it's going, whether you're enjoying parenthood.... and it's often clear from their expressions that it's almost a retorical question, that they're expecting you to agree how great parenthood is. There's not enough room out there in people's hearts for simply admitting how exhausting parenting can be, and how it is not necessarily the best life choice for everyone. That being childless is also wonderful.
31
My experience in embracing motherhood sounds near opposite to this author. I endured no cautionary tails, no honest feedback regarding the sacrifice and struggles that would certainly come from choosing motherhood. I was fed the fairytale of motherhood, the promise of self esteem and personal fulfillment forever. Eight years into raising children, I wish I had been served more caution, a better understanding of the sacrifice, the challenges, and the hardship because there is no backing out of this project once you start. A 20 year commitment to sacrifice is such a real and challenging reality for many mothers.
Motherhood is different for every woman who walks its path. I am grateful for those women who find their stride through the role of motherhood, like this author. I also disagree with the notion that women should withhold there truth of struggle and sacrifice. In hopes that all women chose the path that is best for them, honesty in sharing motherhood experiences, be them positive or negative, are essential to helping the next generation of young women make educated, heartfelt, and authentic decisions to raise children.
23
Hello, just to let you know now...motherhood is not a 20 year commitment...it is life long..I had 2 daughters when I was 19...they are now 58 and 59...they are good people but on their own journeys...not the ones I would have chosen for them...luckily, no drugs or alcohol problems...one loves adventures and has traveled the world (teaching ESL)for the last 24 years after leaving her daughter to be brought up by her x husband..I was involved like a mother...the other daughter has ADD...needs help with everything...her husband died at 50...they had 2 children...they all came to live with us 12 years ago...we helped them to start over and stayed involved...they were able to live on their own after a few years...all of their children are lovely..I would say that being a Grandparent is the greatest joy...so, I guess that waiting for it is worth the earlier sacrifices.
6
The ambivalence about having/not having children reflected in the comments section is indicative of the ambivalence and paradoxes of life as we know it.
I am a woman who wanted but couldn't have children. There were those who felt sorry for me and those who assured me that raising children involved a great deal of personal hardship and I had dodged a bullet. They were both correct.
Now, at 71, having had a career in which I most certainly helped, loved and supported many children and their parents, I give myself great credit for being able to love children who were not biologically mine, did not resemble me and did not have my DNA coursing through their veins.
Were there periods of sadness? Of course. But honestly, even those of my friends who proudly show me pictures of their grandchildren have the strain and sorrow of life etched in their faces when in repose.
It's just how it is. When we can reconcile the sorrow of life with its joy and don't prescribe paths for other people is when we can call ourselves fully mature.
As Virgil said, there are tears at the heart of things, tears of joy and tears of pain.
Perhaps the joke is on us and whether or not we have children or remain child-free is a matter of fate and destiny to a very real extent. We'll never know.
But whatever it turns out to be, embrace it and have courage, and don't think less of those whose paths are different.
62
Thank you so much for this comment. I went into the comments section to read and share my reaction to this article, which brought tears to my eyes... it reflects and responds to my ambivalence about having children, as I am most often told (and am fearful of) the idea that I will lose all that I love about my life if I do it. Your comment gave me comfort because it articulated with love and grace the complexity of the experience of having children... as well as sharing and the perspective of someone who is older and has seen and felt much. The author’s positivity brought me joy. Your deep empathy for the range of experience that this life gives us, children or not, was instructive— and brought me peace. The resonance I felt reading your words is something I will carry with me, and it helped move my thinking at a moment where I really needed some help. So thank you to both of you.
11
@TM
Your beautiful comment gave me chills
2
It is a joy because I chose it knowing almost exactly what I would be required to give! No one needs to be tricked into having children. They are a massive investment, and choosing them is almost akin to choosing a career - would we tell everyone being a doctor or nurse is great fun and not mention all the realities so people can make their own choice?
To me, the biggest obstacle to having children is the money. We live very very modestly on 20K take home pay per year after housing and healthcare expenses. I knew that it would be this way temporarily. It is a lot of joy, but you pay dearly for the privilege and must know that you can commit.
9
Wow. Reading these comments, I’m reminded of why I’m on a self-imposed social media fast.
To the author: thanks for sharing your joy with us. I enjoyed reading about it.
6
Thank you for this refreshing view! Motherhood has been a joy, along with sleepless nights and fears and endless work. People with children as well as child-free people warned me that my life would end, my freedom would vanish. Surprisingly, that didn't really happen. I'm alive, free, and happy. I confess I sometimes still look at my kid as if she's a mini-me although I know she's her own independent teenage person. All teenagers do not turn into unhappy angst-filled creatures of misery; nor do they all morph overnight into unbearably rude demons. The endless litany of voices telling me 'just wait until she's a teenager' have reluctantly backed off. Motherhood has been a lot of work - more than I ever imagined, but is has NOT been a sacrifice. It's joy-work-joy. Lots and lots of pure, unadulterated joy. Thank you, Diksha!
10
Thank you for your words. My sons are grown and fathers themselves now. I have to say they are enjoying fatherhood tremendously. But me - I had to figure out as a young mother, where was I in this equation? When do I count? That gave way to tremendous joy and appreciation of childhood and because I was a teacher, a curiosity and determination of what childhood means, the various ways that it manifests, and how to keep my kids feeling secure and happy and un nervous. I would recommend the experience for those who can do it.
4
In part, the trend toward older first-time motherhood has contributed to taking the fun out of motherhood. I watch these 40-year-olds worry and fret over every germ and potential risk and think how hard they make it look and how joyless compared to younger mothers who seem more flexible and spontaneous. In addition, the perils featured on the news and social media exacerbate the sense of danger everywhere.
7
I don’t see that at all. My daughter is 42 and has a 5 year old. I’m terribly impressed by her patience and her philosophy. She is just amazing.
5
Many women’s lives stabilize in their mid 30s. If I had kids in my 20s I may have been untroubled by germs, but I would also have ended up poor and single. The 20s are hard enough without kids. Waiting until my mid thirties to have children allowed me to take the time I needed to find a worthwhile partner, and to have the financial resources needed to feel secure. And finally, I think I get better with age- so I am a pretty good mom at 42!
Everyone’s path is different. But I don’t agree that 40 year old moms are a bunch of nervous nellies.
12
@pollyb1 hmm, I would say just the opposite. But then, I had mine at 40 and 43. Trust me, by that time I was pretty relaxed about germs.
7
There is no need to " rebrand" motherhood. It has been the same since the beginning of man. The love and joy and connection a mother feels for her child are undeniable. It is the circumstance into which children are born that varies. Some mothers have the luxury of having perfectly healthy children who will grow up to leave the nest and live their own lives. Other mothers are not so lucky, yes they love their children too, but a disability or an accident can change the role of motherhood in a profound way. This piece seems entirely self centered to me. And it must be due to a generation of people who are now more interested in "branding" something rather than examining the depth of experience and variety of experience for women across the world.
34
Thank you so much for this! Refreshing and much-needed!!!
3
I appreciate the need to talk about the positives of Motherhood but I think you are falling into the trap of seeing it one way or another. This is a dangerous outlook akin to the discussions on "breast is best" or the debates between to work or not. The reason these debates occur is because as a society we are not supportive of mothers and their needs, whether it is daycare, longer hospital stays, education, healthcare, flexible hours, or leave time. It places a burden on the mother to be all things and depending on your situation, you can succeed wildly or fail miserably. I didn't have a choice to work at home, or part time. My child required medical care which forced me to stay out of the work place. While I wouldn't do it differently, I certainly sacrificed part of my identity. Other moms have to make similar choices sacrificing some part of themselves. For example, leaving a community they love to be closer to family who can help or giving up breastfeeding to go back to work. I agree that we need to be more thoughtful in discussing what it means to a woman to have a child, but we need to look outward to society or a mother's particular situation than to the mother herself. Raising a child in our society is akin to placing mom and newborn in a boat and setting it adrift. Depending on the mom's situation, she may have a crew and well equipped boat, or a dingy with little more than oars on board while we stand at the dock and wish her "good luck".
28
"as a society we are not supportive of mothers and their needs"
So much of women's work and needs are devalued -- whether paid work or unpaid. Would there ever be a similar conversation about fatherhood? Many women have come a long way in terms of choices, but let's admit that now a great many women are accountable both for family care and income provision in a society that has not caught up to that reality and sea change. And we are having discussions about the brand of motherhood.
2
@Esquid Marriage. That will put someone else on the boat to help man the oars and sails so you don't have to do it by yourself. It's quite a useful institution.
My favorite people in the world are children. My own children and grandchildren, but also other peoples children. I work with children and every day I get to laugh, play and explore life. My wonderful childhood with a positive mother is relived everyday. I owe it to her love and Gods love. I feel I have to pass it on.
12
Unlike the author, I feel that motherhood is too idealised by society, as if it is some kind of Huggies (nappies) or baby panadol advertisement, with soft lenses, golden light and music about love. After my daughter was born I was angry that no one told me it would be like it was. I don’t think any “rebranding” or further deception is necessary. However, as my friends had babies I realised that you actually can’t prepare anyone for the reality of it, people need to experience it for themselves. That’s not to say it isn’t rewarding, that you don’t cherish your children, but like most things in life worth doing it’s hard work too. And it doesn’t fit in with the demands of most careers which are structured for men and childless women. As for two under two, been there done that, lots of fun coming your way.
21
It’s all fun and games until you meet other mothers and people who relentlessly judge your every mothering action.
22
Motherhood is a choice?? Not the way our society is moving, where many women do not have adequate access to contraception much less decent sex Ed! I appreciate these types of essays, as they reflect my experience, but we need to remember that where motherhood is a choice and its cost is the swinging freedom of yuppie singledom, we are in the territory of the privileged.
26
@znb731 O rly? Condoms are dirt cheap and you can buy them at every CVS or Walgreens. Abortions are legal. Medicaid. Planned parenthood. Who is being forced into motherhood?
My beautiful son is leaving for college tomorrow; and I just spent a lucky summer weekend at a concert with my beautiful 22 year old daughter. I distinctly remember feeling undiluted dread when my pregnancy test came back positive - TRAPPED! I wept. And...like the author, I discovered the truth was opposite. They are my heart. From the first moment, I felt a love that was qualitatively different from any thing I have ever felt. I would kill or die for them. I remember thinking...oh my, why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me about the love? Except for a few short breaks, I've worked full-time the whole time. You manage - the love makes it easier, not harder. Now, closer to the end of active parenting, I feel intensely lucky, undeserving, humble.
25
Not clear why we would want more women to choose motherhood; overpopulation is a huge problem, particularly in the developed world where each individual consumes so many of the world's resources. Not everyone is cut out to be a mother; why is chasing not to be a mother a bad thing?
15
There is nothing like a new mom who has figured it all out isn’t there? Just wait until your kid turns the age where you realize that she is not an extension of yourself and is capable of self determination and you will realize what we were talking about. Warnings about motherhood should be shouted from the mountain tops and in PAS announcements at every opportunity until this country learns to respect women, give them self determination over their bodies and healthcare, meaningful paid maternity leave and subsidized child care.
72
I haven't been meeting women who say that motherhood isn't fun. Sometimes you don't understand what people are saying until you are actually experiencing things for yourself.
3
If you change the mythology, how will you affect the already precarious public support systems? Certainly, hawks aren’t giving you paid leave to “choose” to have “fun”?
9
I'm not sure what's more entertaining...this opinion piece, which is indeed a refreshing viewpoint--or all the angst in the comments section.
15
Good luck with this. Rebranding won't help unless you can also hide the actual facts in the case. Motherhood absolutely changes your life. And if you want to keep your freedom, your body as it is now, and a relaxed life style, Motherhood is out of the question.
Why do we want to rebrand Motherhood, anyway? Who needs mothers who enter into motherhood as a brand?
By the way, I entered motherhood by choice, twice, and enjoyed it. But any illusion that it isn't the hardest job you will ever love is absurd.
40
Harder than, say , coal mining or subsistence farming or being a Navy SEAL or something?
Motherhood is challenging, sure, but let’s not pretend middle class moms in a well off society have the hardest job ever.
21
@Di Those jobs are indeed dangerous but being a mother doesn't end, it is 24 hours/7 days a week. Anyone who doesn't think being a mother is a hard job has never done it. I am a mother of 3 and love it. I am Canadian, so I am able to stay home for a year and than go back to work.
8
@Di I would say motherhood is close to subsistence farming in that it is 24/7 and you love the thing that you sometimes hate. But all those other jobs have time off. I became a mother 35 years ago and there has never been a day when I have not thought about my child and his welfare. And for the first 20 years it was closer to 24/7 concern.
You are only considering the physical aspects of motherhood, which are daunting at the beginning but diminish over time. The nurturing never fades and, while nurturing is self reinforcing, sometimes it can take every iota of a mother’s being to keep it up.
And don’t even add that snide “middle class” malarkey.
All I can say is that I would be a miserable human being if -- after all these years -- I did not have my 3 children and 6 grandchildren.
6
How do you know you'd be miserable?
@bee
Well because I know how important it is to me to have the love and company of my family. I live alone, I have fulfilling work, I have a very full life. Of course, I speak only for myself and I am happy to share my thoughts. They are just that, my thoughts. To each his own.
Given that the single biggest reason for global climate change is the number of people on the planet, and that this is also something taht can be controlled, should we not be doing the opposite and discourage people from having children?
I find that almost every television show now includes either a secondary plot-line or a primary plot line involving a woman getting pregnant, with all the usual banal remarks we have come to expect from television.
Seven billion and climbing: enough already.
13
I agree, I also think suicide discussion/prevention contributes to global warming, why not celebrate suicides as the ideal end for many and which lessening the Earth's burden. Why should many continue to use resources and creating waste for such pointless existing?
2
@DaveInNewYork
Give me a break!
THe Chinese succeeded in reducing the childbirth rate, and look what's happening to them. THey are desperately trying to get people to have babies again, and with limited success.
Besides, do you really believe that people decide not to have children because of global warming?
Being a mother has been the best thing in my life. The very best. Now that our children are adults we enjoy their company and the time we all spend together so much. Oh, and the grandchildren - the icing on the cake.
17
The best parenthood advice came from my closest friend: Everything changes. Not for the better or worse but everything is different. How right she was.
22
If you’re doing it right, you have to be sacrificing something else cause you don’t get more hours of the day just because you’ve added a child to your life. It’s not an either/or. It can be a big series of big and small sacrifices AND the most rewarding job ever. There is no more important job than growing and raising a quality human being.
10
@Terry I guess I see motherhood like that old ad for Boys Town, where the little boy is carrying another child and says, "He ain't heavy father, he's my brother". I didn't feel I was making sacrifices - I was just doing what needed to be done for my children. I didn't dwell on the fact that we could not afford to go out to dinner or take wonderful trips - in fact, I didn't think about those things at all. I don't think now of how far more secure I could be financially if I hadn't educated two children - I have enough and I have those children and my 4 grandchildren.
I think much of the problem is that women wait until they've had many years of being able to enjoy many things that most would consider luxuries and they don't like giving them up. We never had them in the first place, thus no sacrifice. That great body? Oh please - age will take that away regardless of whether one has had children. Few of us look like Jane Fonda.
3
I agree with many commenters here about noting the historical context. This dark and honest perspective is relatively new and acknowledges the reality - over the long-term - of parenting. Having an infant is a blessing, especially your first. Everything is firsts, there are so many intense emotions, it is incredible! But when they start walking and talking and much more, things get considerably more complicated. Motherhood is absolutely a sacrifice on many levels and the writer will come to appreciate this with time. The self invariably changes to adapt to this new role and not just because you can’t stay up partying anymore and meeting your deadlines will be challenging. Your fundamental self is deeply changed by becoming a parent and how you view yourself (and how you are perceived by others) is significantly altered, for both mother and father. Raising children is wonderful, intense, and frustrating but something I think I’ll consider my greatest achievement when all is said and done.
21
The sacrifices I have made as a mom have included things like not sleeping more than three hours at a stretch for months, putting my career on hold (I was fortunate to be able to do this), and generally being mentally and emotionally available 24/7. Do I regret any of that? Absolutely not! I am at the point now where my oldest kids are getting ready to leave the nest. I am so glad to have had the time with them when they were younger. But I can also see how difficult it would be for moms who have to work full-time with no benefits and no help from a mate or other family. And it can be draining to feel like you can never just do what you feel like doing when you want to do it, to be in a place where you are putting the needs of your kids ahead of your own. That’s part of motherhood, but as kids get older, at least in some ways it gets easier.
13
I am a stay-at-home mom to an 18-month-old, and I think motherhood has been really enjoyable and rewarding! I guess I am privileged to have such a good experience. However, I resent the constant pressure from my peers (online and off) be “honest” about “the realities” of motherhood. I know that postpartum depression, identity crises, and ambivalence are real feelings that other moms have, but that is not my experience, and I don’t think it’s right that those feelings are now presented as the honest reality for all mothers, and anyone who doesn’t share them is lying.
15
Mother is my favorite, most cherished role of all in this life. I am beyond happy that in today's world it is a choice for most, including my daughters. And I pray this remains the same and our rights over our own bodies is continually protected by law. Having said that, being a mother does involve a great deal of selflessness and sacrifices. Women tend to be aware and have empathy to the many emotional and physical children express. And until male brains become more like female brains this will not change. Yes, mothering can be an amazing, fun adventure..It is also does require a great deal of self sacrifice; more than can ever be understood until it is experienced.
12
Just wait till you’re a grandmother!
This article is true and extremely timely. Bravo Diksha Basu! I am going to read your book next. Thank you.
3
Motherhood is all of the above -- joyful, boring, stressful, exciting, fun, sometimes smothering (can I please stop breast feeding and get back into my clothes or at least go the bathroom alone), costly. When motherhood was a happenstance and not a choice, there wasn't much realistic talk of either the joys or the pains. And there was a reason that wealthy mothers across centuries and cultures outsourced much of the work of childcare to nannies, nurses and housekeepers. If the writing by women about motherhood has taken a darker tone in the last 20 years, that may be because young mothers for the first time had the ability to speak publicly for themselves about the experience of motherhood. It's not surprising their accounts didn't match the romantic view of motherhood as unending soft-focus happiness. So yes, acknowledge the joys and the sacrifices. The decision to have a child is a leap of faith that will require at least an 18 year balancing act. It is also an extraordinary and humbling experience to create a new person and discover they are not "yours" -- they are themselves. I wouldn't trade the experience for the world, but it was neither unremitting joy nor unrelieved drudgery. It was both --occasionally punctuated by sheer terror.
71
@NCSense
The idea of "outsourcing" many aspects of motherhood needs further study. The British outsource as much parenting as they can afford to, with kids going off to boarding school at about 7 years old, and they seem to do just fine (look at Duchess Kathy and family: parents sent all 3 to boarding school as soon as they could afford it, once their business took off).
The question is: why are Americans so hung up on the whole issue of "parenting", "motherhood" and obsessed with how to "do it right", and heap guilt upon mothers who hire nannies and other forms of outsourcing?
It takes a village, remember, whether you pay for it or it's free-labor extended family. No woman should be expected to do all the parenting alone, or semi-alone; that's a left-over from our "manifest destiny" days, and lonely houses on the "land grant" prairie....that era also led to "cabin fever", a form of insanity from being alone taking care of children and home and hearth.
It may be much healthier to outsource as needed. Just ask the Brits...and the rest of the elite all around the planet who pay for it, and those with big families who share parenting tasks without pay.
1
I love this take. Yes, times 1000.
I hear my 20-soomething kids and their friends talk about all the reasons that parenting is a tough choice and describe it as almost unaffordable - they worry about whether they will make enough money in their lifetimes to support themselves let alone children. They are all college educated and debt free and working in decent jobs so I can't imagine what the conversations sound like for young adults who are missing one of those factors. There are no pensions, little healthcare support and social security and Medicare are assumed to be gone by the time they retire. We try to be supportive to whatever choice they make but this is definitely a different conversation than we and our friends were having about children when I was in my 20's.
48
I am very happy for you, but why are you giving advice when you are so new at the job? Being a mom is a long haul.
It’s also hilarious that the illustrator depicted the child as a mini-me. Just what so many new parents expect, but not all get.
You may be one of the lucky ones, or you may have no idea what kind of ride you’re in for. Good luck.
91
I had mine in the last year of medical school and just before a brutal residency where I was on call every 4 nights.
My daughter was the only bright spot in my life and I adored every bit of it, even as I leaked through my breast pads because the older cardiologist attending physician did not understand the mechanics and necessity of pumping,and I functioned on adrenaline alone, with no sleep both at home and in the hospital.
I write this as I am getting ready to send her off to college and my heart is breaking. Raising her is the best thing I have ever done. She has been undiluted joy.
55
I think it’s wonderful that the author is enjoying herself as a mother. I think one’s perspective does tend to shape outlook and therefore one’s life can seem awful or amazing based on what you are focusing on. However, what I have observed is that, in comparison, mothering older kids is vastly more complicated —and rewarding —than mothering a baby, yet we often think that the arguments over baby rearing (breast vs bottle, sleep training, baby lead weaning, rice cereal: savior or scourge, perhaps extending to potty training) are the height of experiencing motherhood....but this passes in a flash, and then they are ten and have much more complex problems requiring a more nuanced relationship. It is not unlike the focus on fancy weddings versus the marital long haul.... there is a lot more to come.
95
Describing the challenges and difficulties of motherhood does not negate the joyous and amazing aspects. Like many of the more rewarding experiences in life, it doesn't come easy, but the rewards are usually worth the sacrifices. As a reproductive psychiatrist, who has worked with numerous women struggling with postpartum mood disorders, I have appreciated a move toward more honesty about the realities and struggles that most women experience after having a baby. I believe that this is a good thing. A realistic understanding of the challenges and changes that accompany this stage of life is helpful in framing women's experiences and expectations, which ultimately is good for mom, baby and the family as a whole.
19
As a supportive grandparent, I would note that fatherhood is often not a choice. When my son announced he was going to be a father and wanted shared custody, I went through the seven stages of grief for the planned life he would never have. His son is a truly wonderful person but it is hard to forget we have all made sacrifices.
5
@Gris. I understand what you are saying about choice, but it does take two to tango, and that is a choice.
15
As a mother of 2 adult sons and grandmother of 3 girls and 1 boy, I still revel in this, my most important role. And I'm a full time business owner, still working at 72 and loving this role as well. This summer, took 15 year old grandson to meet our Congressional candidate and our State Assemblyman...he's very interested in politics. Took grandson and granddaughter for a day at Great Adventure...they rode every ride...and had 9 year old granddaughter for 2 sleepovers at our house. 25 year old granddaughter, a teacher, entertained us with pics of her road trip across the US. This journey has had its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything, and have always regarded it as my proudest achievement and most important role.
6
Motherhood can be joyful if the basics are in place: reasonable economic security, reliable child and health care, a healthy diet and exercise regime, and an environment conducive to sound mental health. Unfortunately, outside of the well to do, the way things are currently organised, these basics are impossible for many people to line up.
115
@Allison Laws Oh please! I had few of these when I had my children 46 and 48 years ago. We lived on a very small salary my husband earned, we did have health insurance but it didn't pay for "well baby" visits, I had little help with child care as my parents had moved away and my in-laws were busy with their other grandchildren. We did eat a healthy diet - couldn't afford anything else - fast food/pizza was a HUGE luxury. I got plenty of exercise carrying babies up and down multiple steps, and pushing a stroller in the neighborhood - no gym for me.
I thoroughly enjoyed my children. I was lucky to have had them during a time when most mothers stayed at home with their children so I had plenty of adult company, whether it was a friend joining me for a brown bag lunch in the park while our children played, or sitting on the front steps with a neighbor while our children played on the sidewalk in front.
@Allison Laws
Wow, with all those requirements no one would ever have a child.
@India It appears that you had the above, though on a strict budged: a small (regular?) income of your husbands, child care provided by you as a SAHM, exercise and healthy eating on a budget as you described, and company in the form of other SAMH, which helps with sound mental health.
Oh lovely. Another article about the joys and merriment of motherhood that totally ignore the reality of post partum depression and identity crisis that so many women go through. Nice way to make someone feel sad and guilty that the joy of a giggle didn’t outweigh the loss of self and plummeting self confidence and lack of body autonomy that having babies can bring to a person.
I think it’s incredibly important that we are honest as mothers about ALL of it. Mothering is the best and worst thing I can imagine and it took becoming a mother at 37 and with my second at 40 to really understand that.
54
No one can make you feel anything. If you have this baggage, then it’s on you to deal with it. If you choose to only focus on those negative aspects, then perhaps that is why they feel the way you do, whereas some of us felt those same things, but didn’t fixate on them, didn’t let those aspects define the whole.
I was in grad school when I had two kids back to back. I hadn’t expected to stay home with them past kindergarten, but I did because I couldn’t imagine doing otherwise. That was my choice, my path. Did I struggle with these issues of identity, exhaustion, depression? Yes; Do they define my motherhood? A resounding NO.
Now that I’m literally on the road trip to drop both of mine off to their first year of college, I can unequivocally say the trade off of truly raising and taking an active part in my childrens’ lives far outshadowed any personal identity issues or grief I experienced. It’s not to say those struggles weren’t important, it’s to say they didn’t define me. Just as society doesn’t define me or my role. I made my choices and to hell what anybody else thought or said about them. I loved it and I couldn’t be more proud.
8
@Carey Well, there's your problem right there! Motherhood at 37 and 40 must be very hard as one simply does not have the stamina one had in ones 20's.
I've never felt more confident in my life than I did after having my first child. I had given birth to this miraculous little being, I was able to feed him and take care of all his needs. It was a glorious feeling!
I cannot in any way identify with all this talk about feeling my body was not my own, or that I no longer had any identity. Those thoughts never entered my head.
Last night, my DD hosted a going-away-to-college party for her elder son - my first grandchild. Several of her friends whose own children are leaving for college, were there as well. While thrilled for the new adventures that await their children, they were all deeply saddened to see them go. All of them are very confident, capable women. All work now, but did not until their children were in school. I heard no talk about career but lots and lots of talk about what they will miss with their children gone.
@India Good for you. Now go back Carey's post about the realities of post-partum depression, etc. and try and generate some sympathy for lives less blessed than your own. This can happen to mothers of any age.
1
Maybe it is time that we stop having children. 7 billion plus people are too many.
60
Yes, it was interesting that she presented “more of us having children” as a desirable outcome.
8
@Eduardo Why is 7 billion too many? What is the metric by which that opinion is formed?
Not wanting children has nothing to do with not wanting to 'sacrifice'. It's fun to have dogs too, but it's not for everybody. It's a choice and not because it looks hard or challenging as most things worth their salt are: a career, a relationship, getting out of debt, etc. it's because some people just do not want children. It's not because we're scared, intimidated, or feel they'll 'take away' from our freedom. It's not a one-size-fits-all thing and just because someone is deliberating whether or not to have them doesn't mean if you tell them it's fun they'll change their minds. There's lots of ways to have fun and give to the world- it doesn't have to be through having a child.
89
Agreed. I think it is refreshing that more women realize they have a choice. I chose to not have children. I just did not want them. I am okay with that.
9
I remember my first year with my son as the most joyous, happiest, wonder-filled, and fun year I've ever experienced. No one tells you how special that bonding is; how proud you both become as you go forward together, learning each others language, sharing discoveries, creating moments and experiences, seeing the world through each others eyes.
I worked until the day he was due and was back at work when he turned three months old. I was luckier than many: I had my own business, close to home, with a big support system. I missed him every minute we were apart and yet couldn't wait to get to work. I was exhausted, anxious, and stressed almost ever day. I was also filled with delight, consumed with love, unable to stop laughing, and never felt more alive. I remember every stage of those early years and today he's thirty-three.
No one tells you how much fun it is; what a gas it is to share a little human person coming into their own. It's a short, special gift and you should just give in to it and enjoy it. Really.
46
@Why Cats? Beautiful description -- better than the column.
2
Another joyful aspect of motherhood that was a discovery for me was how healthy it made me. I bought more fruits and vegetables for my daughter, so I ate more fruits and veggies. Running after a toddler and eating healthier trimmed me down!
I think the sacrifice of motherhood is felt acutely by women who had active social lives at night and went out and partied. You can't do that, and it's hard to have spontaneous outings.
A few single friends fall away.
5
I like this piece, but what the writer fails to acknowledge is the current brand of motherhood as sacrifice or challenging was radical.
Motherhood as joyful (or only speaking to that aspect of it) was the norm. It was taboo to speak about the challenges, unpleasantries, and regrets-including simply not liking it or your children.
This boom covering the dark side of motherhood rose in the 2000s with Mommy blogs. Now, it’s prolific, and I find it refreshing.
Also, the brand of joyful mothering still exists- just visit Pinterest.
98
@Quanisha G
Absolutely. The current “Oh it’s so hard!” is simply a response to so many years of greeting cards that implied every minute was an ecstatic experience. In reality, motherhood is a mixed bag, as is prettt much every life experience.
7
@Quanisha G I knew only one woman who did not enjoy motherhood when I had my children nearly 50 years ago. She had a very hard time bonding with her babies - don't know if she later enjoyed it as we moved.
Motherhood WAS joyful for most of us! We didn't expect anything in life to be "perfection" and without challenges. It was part of being a grown-up. Yes, a baby with an ear infection in the middle of the night is unpleasant, but so are lots of things in life, like a flat tire or running out of gas, or missing a flight.
It's no wonder today's young people have no resilience. Apparently, their mothers do not have any, either.
Oh, my goodness, why have we made mothering so terrifying these days? I remember years ago when moms would scare the newly pregnant with epic delivery room horror stories, but now we make it seem like our very souls shrivel up and die moments after birth. Yes, parenting is hard and time-consuming and sometimes boring and frustrating, but so is writing or any other large-scale, worthwhile activity. Of course it’s possible to keep writing after having babies! Heck, I edited chapters in the orthodontist’s waiting room and in the parent car line outside my daughter’s middle school. I write most of the rough draft of my alien invasion novel sitting on the floor of the bathroom potty-training my special needs little boy!
I used to teach middle school in a very well-off suburban community. Trust me, if your kids aren’t constantly stoned, abused, or neglected, complete at least some of their assignments by themselves, and you don’t show up drunk at morning parent conferences, you’re doing better than a sizable percentage of your fellow parents. There’s a huge disconnect between the online shaming mobs and the sad reality of daily parental standards.
31
@Kim S
Ooh, I wish you would write a book about the middle school kids and their parents (including a scene with one of those morning parent-teacher conferences).
7
I so fully agree with many of the points here, but as a writer who is 8 months pregnant with her first child, I must question just how "parallel" "the process of bringing a book into the world" is to childbirth, even if both involve difficulty, sleeplessness, and wonder. I thought this analogy was one only a man would make. I'm pretty sure that, while my family takes some pride in the writing I publish, they are viscerally and emotionally connected to a child in a way that another book, poem, or article will never match...which seems...only right.
7
Thank you! I agree with the writer - choosing to be a mother does NOT mean you have to lose yourself, or be miserable. I agree with another comment that this is a newer attitude and overall doesn't do women any good. Also, to the writer- I have two kids, now a bit older, one and a half years apart, and to me there is nothing more special than them having a playmate to grow up with. It will be hard at first to juggle a toddler and baby, but amazing to watch them grow so close in age. I also relate when you say that as a mom you are amazed by the fun, interesting things your babies do, but don't really notice other people's children. I am that exact way - I melt for the things my kids do, but other kids... it's just like "Meh." Selfish but I think most moms feel that way deep down. I love being a mom and can't imagine it not being part of who I am. Thanks for the article and you will love having two close in age - I promise!
8
Ms. Basu is right: When motherhood is only seen as a necessary sacrifice, it paves the way for gender inequality, insecure children, and really boring friendships.
But she's dead wrong in framing her choice to reproduce against "a night out partying and drinking," as if those are the only two options for women.
By doing that, she falls right into her own "either-or" fears about women being selfish witches or sanctimonious martyrs, instead of wholly human people.
The reality is, there's grief on both sides: By choosing motherhood, a woman's body is literally no longer her own. Neither is her time, her identity, or even her sexual partner. By choosing a life without children, a woman is giving up the ideal of motherhood, forging a wilder path without a traditional family structure. (And being constantly questioned about it by everyone, even the New York Times.)
I hope Ms. Basu keeps exploring the realities of motherhood in her writing. I also hope she makes room for women in her life who aren't traditional mothers, and offers her daughter many paths to fulfillment - even if construction workers stop saying she's pretty.
76
This concept of mothering = misery has been, in my experience, more often consumed and discussed and digested by well educated, UMC women. It seemed to take a life of its own in the early 2000s with blogs authored by well educated women who decided to stay home or take a break from careers. I fit this demographic (mostly) so I know it well. And then since these blogs were out there, a market was born and it seems that miserable, self-sacrificing motherhood niche had even more legs because it could be sold and marketed.
Don't get me wrong - working full-time and parenting can be draining and the bigger the kids get, the thornier the challenges become. Logistics alone might send me running for the hills.
But, on the whole, motherhood is an adventure like no other and it is - just like the author says - a choice and we might as well enjoy it as much as we can.
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I think it began with well educated women choosing to be stay at home moms and needing to convince themselves it was just as hard, just as much of a real job, just as competitive, as what they did before. Partly this was to justify it to themselves, partly to convince the world they weren’t taking an eight year vacation to play patty cake and eat bon bons (what did you do all day?). Then it took on a life of its own.
Then there was the rapturous earth mother backlash, how every moment is a joy and every crumb on the floor an occasion of profound reflection.
A pox on both.
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I am happy that motherhood turned out to be a great decision for Ms. Basu, and I agree that the positive aspects of parenthood are often neglected. However, motherhood is not a choice for many girls and women, particularly those without access to high-quality sex education, women's health care, and contraception. I am sure that was an oversight in the article.
Even for women who do choose to become mothers, many may ultimately regret the decision in some capacity--a feeling that is even more taboo than discussing the joy of being a parent and that can bear negative consequences for mothers, children, and families. Physical and mental health complications associated with pregnancy and childbirth can impact some women severely, and, as mentioned, even the incomparable love of a parent for her child must compete with sleepless nights, an onslaught of bodily fluids, and worse. Add challenges relating to one's career and finances, lack of support for parents in our society, and the generally uneven burden of childcare between mothers and fathers and many women (and men) assess that they would rather prioritize other life experiences. In other cases, some people simply do not see any appeal in childrearing. Neither group is necessarily wrong, nor are they making a bad or uninformed decision. To each her own.
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