If your property and the troublesome person's property are part of the same building - you say "duplex" in the first sentences - then there's safety issues.
If someone in the next unit zones out on drugs and sets a fire, or invites a burglary, then the damage might extend to your home.
If that's not a motivation to "hasten" an end to this, I don't know what is.
8
Letter 1 writer lives in New Orleans: you folks recommending that the neighbor call code enforcement, board of health, buildings dept....you must live in places with functional gov't. A call to any of those departments in NOLA will yield...not much. Neither will a call to police. Public social services for intervention in this sort of case are non-existent. Heck, the city can barely pick up the trash once a week (while billing for 2x weekly pickup). Poor neighbor is definitely on their own.
7
Why pay for an attorney and/or pay the neighbor's property taxes? You will still have a drug-addled, filthy neighbo who you have enabled to continue his bad habits. Better to simply report the situation and let the authorities deal with it.
6
Can I be the only reader who finds it difficult to believe a high school freshman wrote that letter? If it was not written by such a person, who wrote it and what is actually going on?
36
@bee - my thoughts, exactly! I taught many freshman composition classes in college, and the diction here just don’t ring true.
15
@Coffee Bean- oops- doesn’t ring true!!!!
2
Letter writer 1: Please explain the term "shotgun" duplex house. Thanks.
3
@Susan Landsman You know, you can just Google “shotgun house.” It’s a common term for a traditional American architectural style.
19
The freshman should tell a guidance counselor about the tiktok and other concerns. The freshman should give the counselor the name of student and could literally just repeat what was written in leter. The guidance counselor is legally required to maintain confidentiality so there is no chance that the student who makes report will be identified.
The neighbor should report the homeowner to the city for code violations. In most cities, there are legal requirements regarding habitability and it is the city's responsibility to address the safety issues brought up by the housing conditions. It may also be worthwhile to report conditions to the city councilor as a councilor will often follow up if code department does not act promptly. There are usually regulations that cover how long an owner has to address different types of violations. If several neighbors reach out to city councilor, that is often helpful.
I enjoy reading these columns, but in both of these situations,
Appiah's response made the question more complicated than need be. The guidance counselor and city building code department are responsible for addressing these problems and the letter writers should report to them.
7
LW1. Please do not involve yourself directly in this persons many issues. The advice about helping, while kind, neglects the very significant likelihood that by doing basically anything, you will end up with this person and a small crowd of others right next door to you very very very angry with you. Inheritance, probate, taxes, debts, substance abuse interventions— these are incredibly fraught and difficult problems for an emotionally healthy family to grapple with, so much more a troubled one. If (when) your neighbor gets frustrated or feels threatened by whatever goes down with the law or money collectors or social services, you and your daughter will be right there to take the brunt of it. Please recognize the risk and make your safety your top consideration. I know there are safety issues either way— just work this one, too. It is big and not very likely to be logical.
31
About the neighbor with unpaid taxes: Those have to be paid, whether the developer "gives him a fairish price" or it's sold for taxes (likely to a developer) at auction and he gets the balance of anything over the taxes owed. If it is a hot area for development, the auction could drive the price to almost what the developer would have paid.
But, depending on the state, if the house is still in probate then the money goes into the estate. He can't get it until probate is settled. Your neighbor needs a lawyer, but good luck getting him to realized that. Maybe the local Legal Aid can help, but they are usually too overwhelmed with people who are ASKING for it.
If it's sold for taxes, he will be removed from the property, likely by the sheriff's office. Eviction by the Health Department may be more humane.
12
Seems like a total miss in the response to LW2. This person sounds to me like a judgmental, conservative, born-again Xtian who only know one way to be "good." Everything and everyone else who doesn't share LW2's values is wrong and bad and evil. How could this have been missed by Appiah.
9
@shirlyujest , unfortunately, many kinds of people can be self-righteous and fast to judge others harshly and wrongly—even atheists, agnostics, and those of other religious beliefs. A look at people and our world gives plenty of evidence of that. To turn bad or unkind behavior into a chance to bash our least-favorite religion, ethnic group, etc. is no qualification as a kind or compassionate person, either.
21
I agree with jb. While the author of the question may have misplaced their concern, nobody but the high school kid who made the tiktok really knows the whole picture. We certainly don't. You are bashing someone for making crude assumptions even while doing the same. This high school kid is not the strawman you're looking for.
13
@shirlyujest Yikes! Your own comment sounds awfully judgmental and presumptive about the letter writer. Come on, now. The letter writer sounds (to me) like a kid who sees that something might be awry in the other student's home given the history of absences from school. Why do you feel the need to make disparaging assumptions about this kid's concerns? Maybe this kid has a heightened sensitivity to others' situations. There are reasons why reports get made to social service agencies, and those reasons seldom are because someone is "judgmental, conservative, born-again Xtian..." but, rather, because someone is concerned enough about a minor that they would rather err on the side of caution than carelessness. Your display of intolerance of and negative assumptions about a 14-year old is unfortunate.
35
My former mother-in-law died intestate and I became the court appointed administrator of her estate. I found my former brother-in-law living without water, electricity, or gas in one of the two houses she owned. The day I found him, the temperature was 20 degrees and he had oven mitts on his hands so he could try to stay warm. He had no legal claim on the house and was indigent w/out employment. He was feeding himself by visiting a food bank. I called Adult Protective Services and they sent a team to evaluate him and then gave him a range of options regarding the resources they could provide him. Given the filthy condition of the house and the trash piled from floor to ceiling, APS also called the city's Board of Health, which immediately condemned the house as unfit for human habitation. My former brother-in-law refused the services offered and refused to vacate, claiming he didn't know the house had been condemned. He was angry at me and didn't understand that I was trying to protect him. Eventually, the attorney I hired to represent the estate talked him into going to live with a friend. The entire process was heart-breaking and exhausting. I will always be grateful to APS & BOH for showing me how best to help him. Once he was out, I was able to sell the house and provide a cash inheritance to him. I don't know what he did with it but I hope it eased his suffering. Doing the hard thing if it's the right thing is often the best thing to do. LW1 needs to turn to agencies now
63
My next door neighbor used to leave trash all over the place. I tried to be nice about it for a year, volunteering to help clean it up, take it to the dump, etc. Finally I got sick of it and told them on a Thursday afternoon they had the weekend to clean it all up and keep it clean after that or I'd be getting the city involved and suing them. We don't talk anymore but their house and yard are still clean so that's still a win in my books.
37
@Halsy: That's not only a great win, but you did them (and the whole neighborhood) a great favor. First, you tried to help them directly in cleaning up the trash, then when that didn't provide enough needed encouragement, your appropriate threats finally got them to act. Sorry that you had to lose a neighborly relationship, but sometimes you just have to do what's necessary.
24
I don't see LW1 as a compassionate neighbor at all. It seems to me he's doing nothing more than turning a blind eye to a dangerous situation.
11
Report the neighbor to the authorities. He is endangering the letter-writer’s life, and he is causing property values to drop. He needs to be gone. Period.
30
Shotgun houses: You are expecting too much from both the letter writer and the surviving brother. The owner of the house should not have to take it upon himself to find his neighbor an attorney and a financial advisor -plus urge him to stop drinking and drugging! That much involvement will cause an entanglement and most likely an unpleasant outcome. Clearly the man needs professional help. Calling social services should get him the help and advice he needs without personal involvement.
-Don't care for your swipe at the legal profession.
32
Anonymously pay his property taxes. This could stabilize the most underlying stratum of the problem.
2
@Patricia Lambert
And kick the can down the road.
The neighbor will continue to have an addicted incapable neighbor, with an unsafe, unhygienic, dangerous (fires, vermin, drug users ) home next door.
Call the city; spend any money on consulting a RE attorney.
32
@Patricia Lambert That is a kind thought, but it only pushes the problem down the road and doesn't really help with all the underlying issues.
8
@Patricia Lambert having dealt with addiction in my own family I can tell you "helping" them financially is probably the worst thing you can do--and this is a neighbor, not a family member. Squatter will not seek help until he's bottomed out and faced with a worse situation than squatting in a house he doesn't own, taking drugs/drinking, etc. Best thing neighbor can do is report disrepair/trash and allow authorities to step in an access situation...and continue to be kind as the addict usually has enough self-loathing to go around.
8
I am a lawyer, I worked at legal aid for 26 years and at public defender office the last 17. I have spent considerable time dealing with
housing and drug abuse. Call the building/health department. Then contact your area social agency that can respond to this, and don't hesitate to report criminal activity to police. Professional intervention is needed. Another thing, don't try to do it yourself. it won't work and can sometimes (but often) go sideways very quickly. Anecdotal evidence to the contrary you cannot solve this problem.
152
sorry: more straight forward than you say. Offer the neighbor help getting his property in order. If he does not follow through, absolutely call the authorities. the risk of a fire-and the potential deaths of residents of that place, neighbors, and firefighters is very real.
23
“an honorable lawyer, if you can get him one” A vast majority of lawyers are honest. The questioner shouldn’t be finding his neighbor a lawyer. Instead he should be recommending the neighbor to go to legal aid to get his own lawyer to get the property out of probate. The questioner is not a lawyer. He shouldn’t be involving himself in his neighbor’s probate problem. He could be accused of practicing law without a license.
Unpaid taxes will not result in a visit from social services. Neither will housing code violations. The questioner should call the city’s social services to help with the people next door.
Kwame, I have read many of your columns. Many times your advice is predicated on incorrect interpretations of the law. I have thought of writing the Times about it, but didn’t bother until I read your gratuitous slander of the entire legal profession. Giving legal advice without being licensed as a lawyer is illegal. An ethicist violating the law.
More importantly, as in this case, your advice is wrong because of your ignorance of the law. There are presumably, real people seeking your advice. They may do what you recommend. Is it ethical to direct them on the wrong path because of your ignorance of the law?
94
@Bathsheba Robie , “if you can get him one” almost certainly means if you can afford one, and if one will take on the odd case. It doesn’t say “if you can find an honest lawyer”.
21
TikTok is VERY susceptible to hacking. All your private data will be public or on the dark web ripe for exploitation. Please be careful.
12
@Brigid McAvey What? How is it "very susceptible to hacking," moreso than any other social media? It had some security flaws which were discovered & duly patched before there was any nefarious exploitation, which is more than we can say for companies like Experian. Should we not be checking our credit reports anymore, either? There isn't even any "private data" involved with using TikTok, just names and birth dates. This sounds like typical fearmongering from older people who heard something they don't understand on Facebook.
4
@Mimi A little bit ageist in your response. Anything on the web is subject to hacking. If it hasn't happened to you yet, you're just lucky.
12
Hey Mimi! Don't you consider your name and birth date private data? It can be sold and used by others. Wake up child.
10
I often consciously and subconsciously consider the worst case scenario, as I go through life. So, if it helps, consider this. You don’t do anything and your neighbor's house goes up in flames and he or someone else dies. Looking back, you think to yourself, “I guess I should’ve said something or done something.”
And then of course, you’re forever burdened with grief. Bottom line....get this man some professional help.
23
You seem to think the fire will stay on the neighbor’s side of the duplex. If it goes up in flames, so will LW1’s half.
19
The New Orleans house is quite possibly a health and safety hazard and needs to be reported to the health and building departments. How do they flush the toilet with no water? Let them determine if it is safe to occupy the house with no electricity or water and what to do about it. I don't see anything unethical at all in that. The laws for health and safety are there to protect the public. If you think it is your responsibility to save him from his own bad decisions, you can hook him up with legal aid and a social worker.
45
#1 It doesn’t matter to an honorable lawyer - or any lawyer who wants to keep their license - if you neighbor’s interests diverge with your’s. Because, from the beginning, they can only represent one of you.
7
“ they were doing a sexual dance in revealing pajamas”
Worse than the usual Super Bowl halftime performance? This is the norm for teenagers.
You don’t know for sure anything about their home life. Reporting it to social services in California is opening an ugly can of worms. I know from experience! These people are vigilantes.
25
LW1: Call the police and get the place cleaned out. The health and safety of your son and your tenants are much more important that your neighbors' feelings. You should have taken action a long time ago.
Maybe one of your builder friends could offer to pay probate and clean up costs in exchange for buying the house in as-is condition after the squatters are evicted.
20
Regarding the sexually oriented presentations on social media:
When I was an eighth grade teacher, I suspected problems with one of my female students, a tell-tale body odor and sleepiness during the day. On the third day of school, I took her aside and mentioned I would take her to our social worker because I thought there was a problem with her home life that needed attention. She started crying; I brought her to the social worker, and I was asked to hear her story. She was being pimped every night by
..........her mother!
That very day, the student was transferred to a safe home and her mother was arrested. I volunteered to drive to the house, helped gather clothing, and bring the girl to a new, safe residence. Nearly every day for a while, my student stopped to say thank you to both our social worker and to me. She always reminded us that we helped her smile again.
If you see something, say something. You may be saving a life. Yes, assuredly, you may be saving several lives, particularly young lives.
109
The surviving brother is on a downward spiral predestined to end soon either with his dying from malnutrition or overdose or accident, the city seizing the house for unpaid taxes -- usually takes a couple of years, or one of his entourage killing him for a fix. Perhaps the least complicated course of action is to patiently wait him out.
In the meantime, determine whether the will includes any succession beneficiary. Are there others in the family who have or can initiate legal claim to the property once the current owner passes on?
Given the situation as described, any contractor or developer you contact, once the situation is clear, is unlikely to place his or her trust in this wretched young man to the point of drawing up a contract with the house as collateral without having access to the legal documents that pertain to ownership of the property. Implementing your good intentions is only likely to create additional problems for you and possibly ruin the professional relationships you have with others.
The immediate solution is to get this young man into a residential treatment program funded by local government or some credible, privately funded organization. Without such help, he is likely to welsh on any deal you manage to help him structure. Were you able to work out such a deal and he did receive a substantial cash payment, he might even come after you once the proceeds have been exhausted for having effected the deal that deprived him of his home.
3
@Schopenhauer Why do so many people here think just getting the guy professional help is the solution? You can’t get an addict help unless the addict wants help. There’s no point in “getting him into” residential treatment unless he wants to get clean. That’s not how addiction and recovery work.
18
LW1. A few minutes on the internet reveals that both the State of Louisiana and the City of New Orleans have a variety of social services. Surely it is possible to refer the house issues to the City before the LW's house...burns down...and, at the same time, ask for social services to intervene or at least, offer help?
34
In Example #1 I would ask the questioner, what if it were YOU in your neighbors position? What would you hope your neighbor (you) would do?
In Example #2 I admit I literally laughed aloud when reading where the person said 'In my opinion, no high school freshman with a good family environment would be posting sexual videos of themselves on social media.'
What world does this person live in??? Since when does coming from a good family environment mean a young person wont do certain things YOU disagree with?
Not to mention many families such as ours who traveled a lot have homeshcooled children who now attend Stanford University, UC Berkeley, MIT etc. My advise get educated!!
27
Re LW#1: You are an enabler of the dangerous behavior next door. A drug addict cannot control their own behavior except insofar as it is aimed at the next high. A toddler playing with a loaded gun has pretty much the same consciousness of the ramifications of their behavior. Time to step up! Past time to step up! Protecting lives does not require a vote. I would hate to have you for a landlord, good intentions notwithstanding. You are enabling the menacing behavior while you wonder what to do.
21
In the case of a duplex shotgun house in New Orleans, is there a separate legal owner for each side of the duplex?
3
@Shotgun houses
The letter writer owns the duplex and rents out one side. The house next door, a different house, is the problem.
17
@Shotgun houses That's the owner's decision. Some choose to sell as a condo, then collect a maintenance fee; some choose to rent and retain ownership of the entire building. I have one (a front-rear double, not a shotgun) and I rent the other unit.
2
LW2 should speak to the other student & ask her about problems at home, etc. before contacting anyone else about what she imagines may be going on. Her lsetter idicates to me that she is a busybody, perhaps because she doesn't have enough going on in her own life for a person her age.
6
@Jenifer Wolf "Her letter indicates to me that she is a busybody, perhaps because she doesn't have enough going on in her own life for a person her age."
. . . and that age is approximately 42. Perhaps older.
11
The ethicist's approach to problem one is that of someone who has spent too much time in an ivory tower. If this person cannot pay even a water bill, how is he supposed to pay an attorney? The law is rampantly being broken by this neighbor. There is no duty to protect him from the consequences of his own actions. The authorities exist for a reason and this is it. Report the neighbor to the authorities to avoid harm coming to those who are observing the law and to avert a worse tragedy.
Problem two: This seems very slim on actual evidence of any wrongdoing. I think the person querying should be turning down any opportunities to view such videos. There is no legitimate reason to be watching them. If there is anything wrong going on with this family, certainly more concrete evidence than this will be needed. The writer is trying to justify an elaborate fishing expedition on something which would not qualify for a search warrant. No good can come from watching these kinds of videos even if one is convinced he or she is acting in others' best interest. This writer needs to put his energies elsewhere.
24
LW1 seems compassionate but his/her compassion is grievously misplaced. Ever see a meth lab explosion? A shooting? Or a just a house fire? Get that place emptied before somebody is seriously injured or killed, in that house or yours, friend. You can help them pick up the pieces afterwards, if you feel so compelled. You will not be able to do so if you
- or they - are disabled or dead.
35
FYI: if a tree on a neighbor's lot falls on your property, what falls on your property is YOUR responsibility, unless you have a clear paper record of protesting that it is unsafe.
7
@Rolfe That statement seemed odd to me too, and I question how that supports LW1's story. It was "a" tree not the neighbor's tree. And if the roots are on your property, then wasn't the tree planted on your land?? Unless we are to assume the derelict neighbors took time off from scavenging and drug use to reposition a fallen tree.
8
LW 2 said “On the other hand, I feel as if the student would probably be grateful in the long run, and I doubt anyone else in my school is likely to realize they need help”. The only person who needs help is this uptight judgemental letter writer. There is not a freshman on the planet who does not know the implications of posting on social media, the poster has a right to wear what ever they want, and the writer presumes themselves to be special when saying ‘they realise things no one else does’.
What we’re seeing here is a burgeoning minsogynst, making judgements about what women wear and how the behave. Would the LW’s concerns have been different if the freshman had been male?
14
@Skippy You must hang around with a very sophisticated bunch of students. I have been stunned by how ignorant many kids are about the ramifications of posting some things on line. Other times I want to tear my hair out because they have this mystical thinking that bad things do happen but they would never happen to them. And before you go calling someone a misogynist, perhaps you should learn the correct spelling of that word.
14
@Skippy It's interesting that you inferred that the LW is male. To me, this sounds like a nosy mom, impersonating a teen-aged mean girl (and badly, I might add).
17
@Skippy Wow. Must be nice to have such inside information on another person's motives and character.
2
LW1 is living adjacent to an extreme health and safety hazard. He should be more concerned about himself, his child and tenants than his neighbor. What he described is a full-on flophouse. At best, addicts are unpredictable and make poor choices. They also attract violence and other types of crime. LW1 is worried about ways they will heat the house without electricity. That portends a fire hazard. He has caught squatters filling buckets of water. A house full of people living without running water is a health hazard. Sounds like he's been in contact with the family and they're declining to get involved. That should tell you something.
It seems that the Ethicist answered the question posed, but declined to comment on the larger situation. I don't know why LW1 is getting into the weeds of his neighbor's legal situation when he poses such a clear health and safety threat to both himself and his neighbors.
25
LW1: Report this house immediately; this is a disaster waiting to happen...a fire, an act of violence, any number of devastating scenarios are likely. Rather unbelievable that he/she hasn't yet reported it. And it isn't anyone's business what the owner of the flophouse does with the money if it is sold. If I were a tenant in the LW's home, I would have moved out before now. Very dangerous situation.
28
I'd be worried about meth and a possible explosion/fire, in addition to all the other problems drug dealing brings, like stray bullets in the middle of the night or any time.
What about the safety of the neighborhood?
24
I had a neighbour in a very similar situation: no heat/water, squatters, hoarding, squalor, unpaid taxes, complex estate issues, etc. Efforts to help by family members and neighbours all were unsuccessful and frequent visits from the fire department and police in response to safety concerns were of no real help either. An effort to involve the public guardian also failed. Eventually predators succeeded in stripping this person of everything and the land was redeveloped while the former owner became homeless and destitute. If you can assist your neighbour to sell his interest do so before whatever he has is taken from him; it would be a kindness.
18
I feel that this person is scared to complain to the authorities, but writing this article helps them feel better with their troubles. If the property is next door or attached properties, you're losing property value to your own property. Why not complain?? Why worry and have to deal with these squatters, the fact that they are stealing from you and other neighbors. I'd reach out to your local politician for help or suggestions. If you care about this property and your neighborhood then you complain or reach out to your local politician. My main concern would be if one of these squatters are desperate for money, they might rob you or the people in this neighbor. If you value yourself, property and neighborhood, be that neighbor and voice your concerns with the property authorities.
16
@happynewyorker You aren't wrong AND there is a middle path where harm can be reduced, maybe create a change/solution that helps the neighbor and the rest of the neighborhood at the same time.
There's no need for either or/ us vs. them, my property value is more important than X, Y or Z.
There is no scarcity here, just a change to attempt a compassionate solution - if that fails, then, what you said.
3
I admire the compassion of LW1, but he/she needs to report the house to the city. There are real risks here: for example, a fire that could kill/injure not only the occupants of the blighted house, but others; and various squatters in this open-door house who may pose a risk to others.
The man certainly needs and deserves help, but letting him to continue living that way is not the help he needs.
27
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the case where a house is sold for back taxes, the owner receives the net proceeds after the taxes and costs of sale are accounted for. This changes the calculations somewhat, right?
5
@MJAH The change in net proceeds is probably negligible, unless the owner had only 10% equity in the property - which is unlikely. The neighbor knew the previous owner for many years…
3
@MJAH I know in New York City, if you owe back taxes, water taxes, they now add higher taxes if you don't pay the required amount. Then they place a lien on the property, then a 2 day notice lien. Then they sell the property. I know since my grandmother's estate owed back taxes on property and water and they had the liens. At one point in August 2019 they owed 6k and then they owed 13k on water taxes by November 2019. NYC is cracking down harder on penalties.
3
We had a similar problem with a neighboring house a few years ago--a drug dealing son who had inherited his mom’s house died. His will left the house to one of his friends from prison but some cousins contested it. During the probate proceedings, the house was occupied by some of the son’s cronies, presumably including the heir. They had no utilities and had people coming and going at all hours, apparently engaging in drug sales. One of the occupants was arrested for a somewhat notorious property crime in our area.
I contacted our district supervisor who put me in touch with someone from the city attorney’s office who negotiated with the parties to the probate proceedings. As a result, the occupants left so that the house could be put up for sale, and the sale proceeds went into escrow until the probate concluded. And yes, the house was bought by a developer and flipped for a lot of money. I didn’t see any ethical problem about this; the safety of our block was paramount to me.
53
Keep in mind that school counselor’s are mandated reporters of suspected child abuse/neglect. This is a good thing- instead of relying on varied interpretations of the adequacy of the home, social services would investigate (assuming the LW’s concerns were sufficient to trigger the mandate). Source of referral is, by law, kept confidential. This may vary by state - the mandated reporting described here applies to CA.
17
@DB Maybe I misread. How did child abuse and school counselors get into this story .....
2
@kenneth
LW2 suspects that there is abuse/neglect at the TikTok-posting student's home. This is not only due the sexual nature of her dance but because LW2 knew her from elementary school when her parents made her miss classes for months. LW2 wants to report this to a school counselor (who would be obligated to report it to authorities).
3
LW1 is making too much out out of this. The neighbor is undoubtedly in violation of housing codes and his failure to act is directly affecting abutting property owners and the value of their properties. LW1 has talked to him about it, but to no avail. Enough of handwringing and pity - it's time to report the violations to city authorities and insist they take action, not only for the code violations, but also for the real estate tax arrearages. If the taxes have been unpaid for long enough, the property can be put up for tax sale.
39
A house without heat, water and electricity, with people who are not living or renting basically squatting there, cans in the alley which will likely attract rats, and the neighbor is worrying about being ethical?
The owner is violating almost every code, from building safety to laws which restrict how many non-family members can reside in a home, and either has no desire or no capability to fix that situation.
The ethical thing is to protect the neighbors from the situation, which is not merely a problem of his degrading property values, but also a problem of health and safety. It may not serve the owner's best interests - which he has abrogated - but it serves the neighborhood interest, and the people who live nearby.
56
This isn’t very good advice and I doubt that it passes any ethical standards. It focuses far too much on trying to predict downstream possibilities which are not predictable, and not nearly enough on present reality. You can’t predict with any precision how other people will react and the fact of lawbreaking or at least highly questionable behavior that is at least capable of threatening or doing harm is the only certainty in each case. That’s what needs to be dealt with. In a free society we are not required and in many cases we are not welcomed to interfere with other people to force our good intentions on them. In New Orleans, the neighbor should call the police, period, and let the earned consequences apply. In the high school, the student has a right to a childhood unfettered by smut. I question who wrote that letter too. The student can easily and anonymously inform a counselor and let that person pursue the right consequences or not.
20
The New Orleans writer acts as though his neighbors are making rational decisions. If the squatter is taking water from his out door tap then the water in the drug house has been turned off. You and your son are living next door to a biohazard situation. If the addicts are obtaining drugs with no visible means of support, they are likely dealing, either out of the house or elsewhere. You think that if you call the board of health the city will evict them for unpaid fines. I assure you the CIty of New Orleans knows they have not paid their bills, which is likely why the squatters are coming into your yard for water.
News bulletin: where there are drugs there is cash, and so therefore guns. An elderly man in my condo complex had Alzheimer's . His drug using and dealing son moved in. Drug buyers coming and going at all hours. Son paranoid - and maybe justifiablly given his business - and would not use door but use ladders to come and go though his 2nd floor windows. Left the common door open for his drug buyers. The teacher upstairs with a new baby sold at a loss and moved home to her parents rather than expose her child this. Property values for all 6 condo buildings dropped as neighbors in the drug dealer's building sold at a loss. After 3 years the police had enough for a warrant and went in. Of course there was a gun as well as drugs. You cannot control your neighbor's addiction. Protect your family.
123
@M.R. Sullivan. Agreed. They are probably cooking to some degree, and smoking, for sure, so it is likely a fire hazard in close proximity, in addition to a biohazard.
10
@Susan ... and breaking badly
2
No freshman in high school writes this way. LW2 is quite obviously a parent who saw something on their kid’s phone and looking for an excuse way to tell.
56
@NYCLady I know plenty of high school freshmen who can write articulate letters, essays, and term papers. I have a seventh grade granddaughter who could have written this letter. Please don't paint this generation with such a broad brush.
16
@NYCLady I am laughing as I read your first sentence. It's not obvious to me that it's a parent! My interactions with teens say it's a teen. A very clean teen.
12
@Cathy , it’s not that the letter is articulate that makes us doubt its purported provenance —it’s simply phrased as an adult would, and not a young adult, but an older adult.
9
I would dime out the squatters (that is what they are; "neighbor" is a term that implies mutual responsibility, not just proximity) and let the chips fall where they must. And I would close the water valve.
Of course, you could still attempt to help them get legal representation, et al, but you will, in all likelihood, be frustrated in expectation of somehow reforming them. Their problems do not begin and end with a lack of cash.
71
LW1 can maybe talk to his community organisers, New Orleans is a rabid gentrification market that as elsewhere and even more so due to endemic poverty over generations is very sad for people like neighbor with little power. I bet there are good community activist groups that can guide him.
LW2 I´d suggest talking to a school counselor if you have one available, a trusted teacher or your own therapist about yourself and responsibilities and what is within your realm and what is not. That´s a very confusing age and the letter is a bit all over the place with concerns which even adults working in school system would have difficulty approaching. Sort yourself first.
6
#1. Do Not Report to any government entity or official.
If you want to help and it sounds like you really do want to
help then HELP them by really helping them as you are right
they will end up homeless.
Come up with a real written game plan, present it to them
and offer your Conscience, Heart and Soul and take up a
community donation for them, put that money to real use
in getting the property in order, bills paid, food, heat, electric
and more. You can start with a garage sale of donated goods
to collect community donations. You can succeed in a
positive and inspirational way with a solid game plan, stick
with it, get to work its a win win for both them and you.
You are a good person, continue to act with Conscience, do
the right thing. Best wishes to you and your neighbors.
#2. You are insightful, astute and conscience driven and way
ahead of your years. If their is any way you can speak to the
student in private away from the school invite them for a
meal. Speak with them let them know you are here to help
that anything they share with you will be kept confidential
They may then share with you information that you can then
share with them. Take this first step and Best Wishes
PS. We are Not placed on this earth to be Alone, we are placed here on this earth to give, share and help. This is what
life is really all about....Just Sayin...!
10
@FFILMSINC
Suggest that you read "EC"'s post.
7
@FFILMSINC What exactly is a 14-year-old child supposed to do with this advice? “Let them know anything they share with you will be kept confidential...They may then share with you information that you can then share with them.”
Beyond the obvious challenge in a high school freshman saying, “I saw you dancing suggestively in your jammies on TikTok; perhaps you’d like to share a meal and your deepest secrets with me,” the promise of confidentiality prevents the letter writer from actually doing anything helpful should the dancer disclose what’s really going on.
12
@FFILMSINC
I disagree with your advice, due to the obvious signs of alcoholism and probable drug abuse or addiction.
There are also additional unknown people living there, with no apparent occupations; likely sources of incoming cash are drug dealing or theft.
Since the gas is turned off, fires are a possibility.
If they are already in your yard, your house could be the next step.
You, your son, your tenants and the neighborhood are placed in danger, and you have an obligation first to them.
If you need to, discuss this is someone like an AA counselor: there is nothing effective you can to do to help an addict, until they hit bottom AND commit to treatment. Anything else is enabling aka kicking the can down the road.
Call the city.
5
LW1.
Being kind to neighbors, one with a violent form of Alzheimer's disease and the other (the caregiver) with severe hoarding, did not work for my mother. She was killed on her front porch by the Alzheimer's patient. There was no justice...the case was not prosecuted due to the diagnosis of the perpetrator, and his caregiver/wife had no legal responsibility for his actions. After my mother's death, he was moved first to a state hospital and then to a memory care facility at the family's expense. The family is not short of money.
Now, over two years later, officials (code enforcement and the health department) have moved to condemn the neighbor's house due to its unsanitary conditions. Social services were well aware of the conditions years prior to my mother's death, but they did nothing to intervene. Police were involved in at least two violent incidents and many other incidents prior to my mother's death, but the man was just returned to his unsanitary home after a few days.
My mother was a wonderful and kind woman. I am proud of her, but so sad to have lost her in this way.
Good luck, and be careful.
152
@EC What a horrific loss, my sincere condolences.
Thank you for sharing this is an important first person experience.
25
@EC, How awful! Social services and police too often prove themselves worthless in situations where proper intervention could have made all the difference. It's frustrating and infuriating.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother, and about that family's utter lack of accountability for what happened to her.
22
@EC How horrible! My sincerest condolences.
You're correct. LW1 has to look out for himself and the safety of his child. If the neighbor uses the money to buy drugs and alcohol, then so be it. Not his problem.
7
LW1's neighbor has basically allowed his home to become a flophouse in unlivable conditions which is putting his own life and those of neighbors at risk.
The neighbor has no front door key to this place he supposedly owns?
Seriously?
A house in which the residents and others squatting there have addiction issues and are going without utilities including electricity and water - because they can't afford the bills or are too far gone into dysfunction to deal with paying bills - is a prime location for a fire. And crime.
LW1 seems to be a compassionate person concerned for his neighbor's well being. Possibly the best thing he can do for his neighbor is report the condition of the property to the Fire
Marshall - so no one will die if this high risk property burns down.
60
An ethical lawyer may be able to initiate a commiteeship for the neighbour, especially if there is a family member somewhere who can help.
Once established, the neighbour may be directed to rehab, housing and receive a stipend from the funds flowing from the sale of the house.
Not sure how this would be admininistered in Louisiana, but we've seen it done successfully with contractors hired to repair the property agreeing to be paid fro the proceeds of the sale of the house. This does take some involvement from a person who cares about the outcome.
12
#1. Do Not Report to any government entity or official.
If you want to help and it sounds like you really do want to
help then HELP them by really helping them as you are right
they will end up homeless.
Come up with a real written game plan, present it to them
and offer your Conscience, Heart and Soul and take up a
community donation for them, put that money to real use
in getting the property in order, bills paid, food, heat, electric
and more. You can start with a garage sale of donated goods
to collect community donations. You can succeed in a
positive and inspirational way with a solid game plan, stick
with it, get to work its a win win for both them and you.
You are a good person, continue to act with Conscience, do
the right thing. Best wishes to you and your neighbors.
#2. You are insightful, astute and conscience driven and way
ahead of your years. If their is any way you can speak to the
student in private away from the school invite them for a
meal. Speak with them let them know you are here to help
that anything they share with you will be kept confidential
They may then share with you information that you can then
share with them. Take this first step and Best Wishes
PS. We are Not placed on this earth to be Alone, we are placed here on this earth to give, share and help. This is what
life is really all about....Just Sayin...!
4
@FFILMSINC
Another solution re Letter Writer #2 is to "ghost" him or her: pretend you never met, don't know his or her name, etc. If this person is making you feel uncomfortable. Ignore phone calls, texts, emails, walk away from approaches at school.
If things get worse, you might consider talking to your own parents about the situation, rather than a school counselor. Talking to a counselor might make you feel too mixed up with this person and this behavior: "guilt by association."
The thing about sexusality is: both parties involved should feel comfortable with the situation and be willing to be involved. Sharing suggestive media can make people feel uncomfortable, including students.
1
@FFILMSINC I have a family and a full time job. I don't have the time, energy or money to take on the care of a needy drug addict. I also don't want the liability involved when he kills someone and the victim's family finds out I was doing treatment instead of alerting the authorities to the danger and having them get involved.
7
1. Sorry to seem to be harsh, but one of our big problems is that people with issues get to screw up life for the rest of us. Your neighbor is the one who is ethically challenged, not you, and his behavior is endangering every one of your neighbors - including your tenants who can rightfully expect YOU to take steps to ensure their safety. Report him now before there’s a fire or a drug killling; somebody needs to.
2. Young person, focus on your life and what you’re doing right and wrong, and stop judging others on the pretext you’ve concocted that they’re in danger. This is what the Ethicist is trying to say gently.
95
@Angelus Ravenscroft "Never call 911. Never. This means you!" - HST
#1 The writer appears to be thinking of the neighbor's well being. Look, that neighbor does not seem to give a hoot about your intentions. Bring the local authorities in asap.
The neighbor can sink or swim on his own.
48
It's fascinating how these letters have to be parsed for little linguistic hints to the facts. In the first letter, readers seem to have concluded there are more sons and the daughter was disinherited.
To me it's possible that the letter writer was just careless and that, in fact, there is only one son left and the daughter didn't inherit the slovenly house because she is already taken care of -- has her own good job and housing situation. She may be glad her addict brother has a place to live.
Either way, I'd make one attempt to recommend an agent or developer to the son. If he doesn't agree or make any progress (which is what I assume will happen), I'd call the city. The situation would be intolerable to me for a month, let alone years.
22
@Barbara
LW1's question was whether he should refer his contractor/real estate friends to the owner as a solution to the problem. No one can contract w/anyone other than the legal owner & LW1 doesn't know who that is. My guess is it's the city after "several years" of unpaid taxes. [I, too, thought the tale of the disinherited daughter was fanciful.]
LW1 doesn't seem to acknowledge that he, too, is an irresponsible owner. He knows the structure is inhabited by squatters & substance abusers, has no utilities (he's tacitly supplying water to flush toilets), is a fire hazard given the electricity hook-up, & there are illegal drugs on the premises yet he hasn't report ANY of this to authorities. He's writing to a newspaper columnist about the ethical repercussions if the residents are relocated.
His son & tenants to whom he has obligations are in danger every single second that he doesn't alert authorities.
30
LW1 should hook his neighbor up with his developer buddies. If someone can't manage to keep water and electricity on or have a key for his front door, it's not going to end well.
If he can get some cash for the house before he loses it to unpaid taxes, that's a benefit. LW can't control what he spends the cash on, but saving someone money is a good thing.
15
Pretty interesting that the city is not missing "years" of back taxes to the point of not sending either a certified visitor to prompt an investigation.
What makes you think that this man might even consider selling ? An attempt to sell might also trigger the awareness of the taxes owed, so perhaps this is why the situation is in the stalemate where it is. At some point, doesn't the city do in-home property re-evaluations ?
A possibility is to start small, maybe an anonymous call to the police to check out a (bogus) noise complaint. If their response is tepid, then it's a clue they may have bigger fish to fry and this is meaningless to them and you might be advised to put up a privacy fence.
4
@JaneK It's not at all unusual for New Orleans. We still have tens of thousands of houses that have been sitting empty since Katrina. The city doesn't have the infrastructure to hunt down everybody who hasn't paid taxes in a few years, so enforcement is very lax.
31
@JaneK The city probably assumes the house is abandoned. The fact that it is not using utilities backs this up. These old neighborhoods in NO are full of houses like this.
I'm sure the suggestion to just contact your contractor friends and help him straighten everything out with the city is well meant, but you could become overwhelmed taking this on. This is someone who probably has other relatives who have given up on him. It would be better to find a contractor that is not a friend of yours and suggest that one to the neighbor, having vetted him yourself. If you step too far into this, the neighbor might want to stay with you while the house is being repaired. I say this because you say you have tenants. Some of his friends could also come to expect various kinds of help. These are grown adults who didn't get that way overnight. Help as much as you can without getting sucked in over your head or promising any kind of outcome. If that doesn't work, speak to the neighbors around this house and ask if any of them have tried to help him. Tread cautiously here and good look to you. You could also ask if he's a veteran and maybe there's some help available that way. You sound like a very kind soul.
8
LW1, I think if you can help your neighbor get some money for his house, that's a good thing. And who's to say what he'll use it on. He could spend it on rehab. Not really your choice either way.
I am worried that he will use space-heaters and start a fire and die.
19
@bess He would have to use space heaters that don't run on electricity. This is a dangerous situation and if there are a lot of people coming and going, there's really no telling what he is actually doing over there.
10
@M.K. Ward I´d be very frightened about propane and gas portable heaters, fire incidents and danger from addicts around.
10
@M.K. Ward , homeless people here do build fires near and even in abandoned or drug houses. That’s a very bad hazard.
12
LW2 seems a bit sheltered. I have TikTok and that type of dancing has nothing to do with coming from a good family family environment. It is just trendy right now and people from ALL backgrounds and ages are participating. Your other concerns may be legitimate about the student but basing it off that video is not.
50
I disagree.
5
@Greg Pitts With what, pray tell?
2
I thought the tone of the teenager’s letter was disturbing, and I share The Ethicist’s advice that a judgement check is in order here. That bit about the “good family” bothers me.
If a young teen told me this story, I would advise him or her to go directly to the schoolmate and tell them that this “apparently” limited-view video had been shared. Don’t say who was showing it around, don’t pile on the judgement. Just tell this person you thought they should know, because it seemed like a personal thing.
(BTW, I do remember how difficult it was to navigate the social structure of high school, and I don’t know where this freshman and the Tik-Tok dancer sit in the lunch table hierarchy. But it sounds to me like the pajama dancer could use a true friend.)
23
I believe Mr Appiah places too much burden on the homeowner to solve his neighbor’s problems. The neighbor has at least one relative who evidently doesn’t suffer addiction. There are hopefully other relatives who might pitch in, if the addict hasn’t burned every bridge. Nor is it in this fellow’s ability to get the neighbor clean and sober. All the actions prescribed by Mr Appiah are very expensive and very time consuming. The addict’s family somehow needs to be engaged to get him on a realistic path, not the neighbor, who’s obligations are to his tenants and himself. Had I the money, I’d make irresistible to the addict and develop the prop myself. The addict at least has a shot at life again, and the decent neighbor might turn a profit for all the hassles he and his tenants have been put thru. And again, it’s not within this nice fellow’s power to get his neighbor sober. That has to come from within.
46
Most states have an Adult Protective Services. The neighbor can get him an online
4
But this behavior is affecting his property.
3
@Katherine Winters We do not have many accessible resources like that here.
5
A "sexual dance in revealing pajamas" covers an extremely wide range of possible videos. It's hard to know from that description what the video actually shows and how problematic it actually is. Most PJ's are not particularly revealing, which makes it even harder to know whether the LW's reaction is overreacting or not.
I doubt that this letter was written by a freshman classmate. The LW is writing from a distance, not from the perspective of a classmate. And the word choices don't sit right for a freshman. It's someone else's parent.
105
@Me, I assumed that the writer meant lingerie but that the word isn’t part of her or his vocabulary. Also assumed that the dancing student (“they”) is a girl.
As for the “word choices” not being right for a high school freshman, I agree that the tone sounds like that of a disapproving adult. But what is an authentic tone for a teen? It depends on the kid. If a high school freshman is reading this paper regularly, he or she could be academically precocious. Another possibility is that the writer is ultra-conservative. I have spent time around evangelical Christian and strict LDS teens. They often speak like they are 15 going on 45.
But you bring up an interesting possible scenario. Why would an adult pretend to be a teen, for the sake of this letter? Why the pretense? Maybe it’s a father who got an eyeful of his child’s minor schoolmate dancing on on Tik Tok, and he is feeling scared and conflicted at having seen that. And he is sincerely worried for the girl, but he doesn’t want to ruin his child’s high school social life by linking him or her to the outing of Dancing Girl. I could see that being the case.
21
"An honorable lawyer IF YOU CAN GET HIM ONE?" Really? Dr. Appiah's assessment of an entire profession is appalling, unprofessional, and of no use to LW1.
59
@knitfrenzy
So are you saying there's no such thing as an Honorable lawyer?
5
@knitfrenzy , I read it as meaning if there were money for that kind of intervention. I do think that’s what he meant.
21
@knitfrenzy , I believe you're misreading the meaning here.
19
If one half of a duplex house is without gas or electricity or water, with a junkie owner and "strange people have been sleeping there with the doors open," that sounds like a crisis to me. I'd worry that one of these people will make a campfire in the middle of a floor to cook or heat the place (that happened repeatedlly in a building near me in NYC). If the writer can't get the guy to sell, and soon, he'd be foolish not to call the cops.
93
@Thomas The neighbor is living in the duplex next door to the letter writer's. The letter writer is worried about their family and their tenants in their building.
7
@Thomas It's not a duplex, it's a "shotgun" house. Those are quite common in NO. They are narrow on narrow lots and the rooms extended in a basic line one right after the other from front to back. Some of them are really adorable; some of them are teardowns. Just Google it for pictures. These were once all over the state, but NO is really one of the only places where they still exist in large numbers.
11
@M.K. Ward : I believe the writer is describing a "double-barrel shotgun house." It's comprised of two shotgun houses side by side that share a central wall and front porch. It is a type of duplex. They are also common in NO but not as common as the single shotgun house that you describe.
9
"I don’t want to report a neighbor to the city,"
Come on, now. Get over it and make the call.
114
Wait till there is a lien sale then purchase the lien from the city as you stated he has not paid taxes or maybe water ,once you own the lien have him removed problem solved.
6
>On the other hand, I feel as if the student would probably be grateful in the long run
This is wistful thinking to the point of delusional.
47
@Kate
That's where it sounds like an adult had written the letter. A "freshman" in high school is only a 9th grader, and thinking about the long run isn't a significant feature of the demographic.
2
"I'm worried about ---"
My next-door neighbor's house --
The dysfunctional behavior of one of my classmates -
My ex-husband's children squandering their inheritance --
A woman at work who always smells of alcohol --
My best friend's husband may be cheating on her -
A woman in my neighborhood who I suspect mistreats her dogs -
My favorite coffee shop has a "Vote for Trump" sign in its window --
For some unknown reason -- lately all the letters are from people who are complaining and/or concerned about the cations and behaviors of people other than themselves --
When are we going to read a letter about the writer's own behavior -?
For instance --
"I was at a party recently and ran into an ex-girlfriend with whom I had a very deep relationship. It was obvious to both of us that the attraction was still there and, as we talked, she told me she was in a very unhappy marriage and seriously thinking of divorce.
I wanted to ask her out - and she also seemed interested; however I'm concerned that MY asking her out would only complicate matters for her regarding her marriage.
Would it be unethical for ME to ask her out now - or should I wait until she is closer to resolving her situation?" -
Instead of asking what to do about your married female friend who is thinking of having an affair - because that's really HER problem and none of YOUR business --
How about a few letters like that - for a change...
69
@Howard G Yes, so much judgment going around these days. It's much easier to point fingers at others and feel better in comparison, than to actually take inventory of one's own life!
5
@Howard G Dear Howard, it would not be unethical, but you might want to wait until the divorce is final. Thank you for writing. :)
3
I saw what you did there and I t definable think you should ask her out. Good luck.
2
LW!: You need to take action before you or your family members, or your other neighbors, are subjected to significant danger.
A house full of squatting drug addicts is an accident waiting to happen.
If you have friends who could buy the house, then, by all means, broker a solution that will help all involved. If the drug-addicted receive a windfall upon the sale of the house, they will have a choice of whether to spend the money on rehab or on more drugs. At least they will have the option of spending it on rehab - if they go on like this, they have no options at all. If they choose to spend it on drugs, that is their choice, not your fault.
LW2: I agree the provenance of this letter is questionable.
Assuming it is legitimate, though, please remember that teenagers have been imprisoned, with lifelong "sex offender" records, for producing "child pornography" of themselves.
I would caution against showing the video to anyone in authority for this reason.
Bringing your other concerns to an adult would be reasonable.
20
@Eric , yes, that’s an adult voice, likely a classmate’s parent, and possibly ready to pressure their own child to turn in the dancing teen for “help”?—a classic finking situation that could cause problems for both kids. The “problems” in evidence do not merit parental interference with other people’s children, even with a “concerned freshman” cat’s-paw to hide under.
14
I'm pretty sure Name Withheld is a parent who doesn't like one of their kid's friends.
62
My guess is that LW2 is in reality the parent of the freshman who supposedly wrote it. The parent saw the video and wants to report it, or have the kid report it to a school guidance counselor.
The kid said no, and the parent said, what if I write into the NYTimes ethics column and they say it's OK. Would you do it then?
The kid probably agreed just to get the parent to drop it.
What 15 year old writes "Apparently this is a regular occurrence on this student’s social media." ?
78
Completely agree. Definitely a fake LW, and over a situation that doesn't sound like it requires intervention. Back off, fake LW, and MYOB.
20
LW 1 He, his son and his tenants a should have a safe place to live. Kwame's concern about the neighbor doesn't address the others impacted by the behavior of the neighbors and state of that house. It's hard to put out fires when your own house is burning. My first concern would be for my safety and that of the people I am directly responsible for.
42
School counselors, unfortunately, cannot be trusted to not reveal this student’s name. Spoken from personal experience with my own child’s privacy. It could be that their allegiance to privacy concerns may be superseded by the requirement to document everything following federal law and district guidelines, and, school personnel who leak.
Concerning the other scenario - about your statement about securing, “an honorable lawyer, if you can get him one”.
ROFLOL
11
I would start by installing, with the neighbors permission of course, a few battery operated smoke alarms. Then talk to him about his drug problem, tax problem, squatter problem, trash problem etc.
3
@Jt
It could be dangerous to directly engage with such a dysfunctional person. Better an anonymous call to the city.
17
@Jt
I wouldn't step foot into that place!
3
Re:Indigent neighbour.
How long do you think before he (or one of his squatters) sets the house on fire, gets a bedbug infestation or shoots up the place? all of these things can seriously affect you. Contact a social worker and try to get him out of there and into a supervised setting. Then buy the house on the cheap and flip it!!!
20
One serious concern I would have about talking with someone about the student’s TikTok is that the student could face risk of being charged with child pornography. It seems to be the case at least in some parts of the US that one can be charged even for sharing their own images and even if they are themselves a minor (https://www.baltimoresun.com/politics/bs-md-pol-court-case-text-photo-herself-20190829-tuvw6c2ojnbcnd7kjciluehsq4-story.html).
17
LW1, even in New Orleans, there is something called a Community Services Board. These boards are intended to help people with mental illness and substance abuse. They are a one stop shop. This might be a good point of contact for your neighbor.
A lawyer could help him get a hold of his legal problems, but he'd still unstable and on a downward spiral. The Community Services Board could help him get stabilized.
To LW2, talk to your parents. I've had my children come to me with issues like this before, about their friends. When they did, if I was really concerned, I took the issue out of their hands and I reported it. Then it wasn't up to them to tell or not tell. I TOLD. Their friends can hardly blame them if a parent does the dirty work. Parents are like that. Parents are all narcs, doncha know.
If you don't feel your parents will have the moral center to do the right thing and you think you need to say something, make an anonymous report to Social Services. You don't need to visit your guidance counselor personally. Look up the anonymous reporting phone line for social services in your locality. Call it. Report what you know. Let them chase it down.
5
LW2 seems to have a serious lack of information, and a personal need to intervene in behaviors they don’t approve of. Recurrent extended absences without explanation would set off warnings with the school, so maybe the parents took a leave for the kids to take an extended trip to Europe. Maybe the home schooling was to teach the kids a heritage language. Maybe this is a family that just views education differently. Is it really OK for the letter writer to risk all the things that Kwame mentioned—CPS and social workers—based on some pretty limited information and a lot of bias?
And the tiktok video, that LW2 wasn’t intended to see. Was it sexual in the way that most music videos are sexual, i.e. sensual and suggestive? Were the scandalous pajamas really just made with thin fabric like most light pajamas? Sounds like a slumber party activity to me.
10
Yeah, not a slumber party my home.
4
@EA Please notice that you also have even less information and also a need to express your opinion about behaviors of which you don’t approve — in this case, LW2’s.
Something feels “off” to LW2 and they are exploring if and how to trust their intuition. That can/may include the possibilities that you so unkindly pointed out. But it may not. Kudos to this LW for being willing to grapple with their gut feeling about a situation. If only more people would.
5
LW1, call the authorities. You might start with the fire marshal. It’s not in your power to fix the neighbors’ problems—but you might be saving their lives. And yours.
50
LW2 -You saw dancing, DANCING ! in pajamas. 'Revealing pajamas'- your words. You got so uncomfortable that you now want the authorities to investigate the student's family. Seriously? You didn't see anything criminal. You have no evidence or rumor of abuse. You don't think anyone else in the school realizes they need help. But you think they'll be grateful in the long.
First - You don't sound like a student. The words you use. Your wacky leaps in logic. You haven't mentioned any gossip about your supposed classmate. You don't know their age. You don't know anything about the student or their family. You haven't make any effort to talk TO your classmate. YOU are NOT a student.
You sound like an adult busy body with too much time on their hands. You're willing to turn the life of a student and their family upside down over a video. And previous long absences. The long 'vacations' from school upset you too but why? They're not behind in their schooling - you would have mentioned it if they were. And I'm sure the school noticed - and investigated - those long absences. The student isn't in trouble with the law, because again you would have used it as evidence to strengthen your case. So get a grip on yourself and stop. Just stop. You are not a savior. No one is going to be grateful to you. Do the decent thing - do NOT report the student. If you're concerned keep one eye open - as you should for any teenager. Right now you have NOTHING to report to anyone.
62
You make more assumptions than the writer.
12
@Greg Pitts I agree though that it's hard to believe the writer is a high school freshman - if so they are a weirdly judgmental, out-of-the-loop one who apparently cares so much about this particular classmate that they've never bothered to actually get to know them? That seems odd in itself. Long absences can have many causes - one of which, for example, being chronic illness. Or perhaps the parents' jobs take them to different locations. Or they live an unconventional lifestyle - like they travel for part of the year b/c the parents' jobs aren't rooted in one place? Or they need to help family members? Who knows? It *could* be the sign of a problem, but it's weird the LW hasn't bothered to ask anyone else at their school, because I can guarantee someone knows.
12
Wait, wait, teens are using the interwebs to do things they might later regret?
Grab the smelling salts, I'm going to faint. Then call the police! Gotta get that kid into a "good family environment".
It may or may not be an actionable issue, but one thing is clear: LW2 has a long life of judgmental persnicketiness ahead of them.
45
I know what I would do about the next door neighbor, but I am not the Ethicist. However, if you don't want him filling buckets from your outdoor tap, simply remove the handwheel from the top.
18
Not a good idea, that tap may come in handy when the neighbours house is burning down.
6
LW2 needs a lesson in "mind your own business". Sheesh.
20
LW1 - I am left wondering if the situation is really as bad as you describe or if you just don't want to live next to "those people." A solution you can't see would be for you to sell YOUR house and you move to a more compatible area. Why not stop one of the real estate vultures circling the block and start the process? Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?
LW2 - Stay out of it. If you turn anyone in, they will find out it was you and make your life miserable. But if you are prepared to deal with that fallout, have at it.
3
@Lynn in DC
That's a very unfair conclusion, based on the LW's words. As a rule, we have to take the LW at their word regarding their statements.
The LW doesn't want to move, based on their letter.
But I have a feeling that if he had stated that he did, you would also accuse him of elitism, abandoning a good neighborhood due to "those people" and selling out the neighborhood for his selfish profit.
It is not unreasonable to consider safety issues and health hazards for the LW, son and tenants, stemming from probable drug use and all the facts that the LW listed.
7
For the public weal you should get the authorities involved in this case. No room for being touchy-feely and coochiemoochie.
14
You think the school hasn't noticed months long absences etc.?
13
A minor point: All outdoor faucets should have an indoor shutoff valve. Someone could let it run all night. If the house in question has no water, this is likely a health violation and city authorities should get involved.
25
Seems like LW1 is overthinking the problem with the (ever changing) cast of characters who inhabit the other half of the duplex. NOT his/her role to "help" them in life, to fix their drug/ insolvency problems or otherwise "save" them. He/she just needs to provide a safe home for his/ her child. Report the neighbor and let the chips fall where they may. Chances are, a dysfunctional person will remain one.
LW2: I agree doesn't sound like a "kid". No idea why people dancing in pj's upsets them. Anonymously report it to the guidance counselor if they must, but chances are bad parents won't be affected by anything the school can do.
8
My late father-in-law owned a few rent houses. One tenant and son had their electricity turned off by the city so they heated the house by bringing in a 55 gallon oil drum and burning wood in it-in the house. They burnt the house down but got out with their lives.
The moral of this story is that the neighbors in New Orleans may do something like this. LW1 said his house is very near his. Somebody could get killed and/or have their house and neighbors' houses burn down. Call the city. It could save lives and property.
82
I have a high school freshman and I really have a hard time believing that a high school freshman would be shocked or surprised by this video.
This kind of suggestive, sexy video is common on all social media platforms. Not by all teens, of course, but it isn't exactly rare.
And I don't know if it is "proof" of anything that is or is not going on in the home.
If this letter writer wants to talk to the counselor, talk to the counselor simply out of concern. But I really don't think the video demonstrates much other than a poor decision on this girl's part.
18
LW1 should have absolutely no qualms about reporting the safety, health, and blight issues to authorities. It is just a matter of time before something tragic happens at that house - an overdose, fire, meth lab, violence, etc.
37
New Orleans needs a better bookkeeper. Several years of unpaid taxes?? Sadly, with no water, electricity, etc.,you have a dangerous situation. New Orleans hasn't gotten the help they need after the hurricane damage. They are likely overburdened and underfunded. Maybe approach some of the agencies?
17
The neighbor is enabling a situation that can only lead to disaster. Obviously the man next door is heading for one or more calamities that come with addiction. Do everyone a favor and alert authorities by mail. Maintaining good relations with neighbors is one of life's rules for a stable and relatively happy existence. To remain an onlooker in a situation so ripe for any number of outcomes is irresponsible.
30
LW2.... I have found when I am judging people's choices that don't actually effect me, it is often about something unexamined in myself. A guidance counselor seems like a good idea, but for you, okay? We can all use some help sorting out complicated and difficult emotions sometimes. *hugs*
13
Hugs for a busy-body judgmental buttinsky parent, impersonating a HS freshman? Not a chance!
10
I don’t see the ethical problem with reporting a neighbor who is running a property as a squat. There is a history of illegal activity in the home (drug use, and possibly sale), and the home (with no electricity, water or heat) is not suitable for legal habitation. This situation is a danger to all. Report it.
I find it amusing that anyone is concerned over what this guy might do with cash from the sale of his home. So patronizing! It’s no one’s business. The deceased may have had lots of debts anyway, in which case the squatter brother will not come out with much after the creditors take their share.
Probate always has an end date, even if the deceased dies intestate. The neighbor could just wait this out. But if I were in that situation I would report this to those city or county, and protect my own interests.
30
LW1 could have the house appraised in its as-is condition, and buy the house with a purchase agreement once the probate court determines who the heirs are. LW1 can have a written agreement to be reimbursed the lawyer's fees and costs that I'm sure the probate court would approve once they knew the circumstances. I think everyone would be relieved if the son receives $2,500 per month rather than a lump sum. If the family decides that son needs a conservator at least there are funds for that.
3
@gala
No, no. LW1 really, really should not risk entering into any legal contract with a person who is clearly impaired.
I also doubt that the rest of the crew in the squat will go willingly and may the target the LW and his son or tenants.
This is NOT the LW's problem to solve.
3
LW#1 should maybe consider selling up himself and moving. Having lived next door to semi-hoarders there is only so much change you can effect in your neighbors lifestyle without a strict HOA or city ordinances. For instance in my city anything in the backyard is okay (falling down structures, tall grass, etc.). Sometimes running away is the best thing you can do.
9
@Gabby K The state of the neighboring house would put a major damper on the price and pool of buyers. Report the situation to those who will deal with it.
16
LW1 seems to be grappling more with a pragmatic issue of how to get the neighbor and his squatters out and the property cleaned up, than with an ethical issue having to do with "helping" the neighbor, who has not solicited such help. It doesn't sound as if they have ever been friends. Jumping into the affairs if a dysfunctional family with substance abuse issues? Not wise.
Going on and on about taxes, foreclosures - etc -- those are legal issues. It sounds as if there are fire safety issues ( heat; that extension cords) which should be reported. The state of disrepair may or may not be an issue in New Orleans -- it's another regulatory issue. If the neighbor was so out of it he was really unable to manage his basic daily affairs, then some version of Adult Protective Services might take a referral.
But the LW should get his/her own ducks in a row. Check out the laws about property upkeep, make appropriate reports or complaints; find out about the procedures under which homes go into tax sales; develop a plan for yourself to follow. The neighbor has given up: this isn't going to get better.
25
Of course, it's entirely possible that "Name WIthheld" has a crush on the person in the video and is confused and a little alarmed by their own emotional reaction to it.
In that case a good guidance counselor would be able to provide some help and support.
15
LW1 has waited until after the son hasn't paid taxes for "several years" to start worrying? Report the situation to the authorities ASAP & let them handle it. In the meantime, he's responsible for removal of the fallen tree rooted on his property.
If the original neighbor died intestate, he didn't "leave" the house to anyone. State law dictates how the estate is distributed to his relatives not hearsay from a daughter.
The neighboring house as is - w/o sanitation, heat, electricity & attracting squatters poses a serious health & safety threat to the LW, those to whom he has obligations, & the neighborhood in general.
The scenario he's overlooking is that he doesn't know who owns the house & is therefore making erroneous assumptions re the fate of one of his deceased neighbor's sons, the house itself, and ultimate impact on the neighborhood. Report the blight to the appropriate agencies.
144
@knitfrenzy, The daughter is quoted as saying that the son who died after his father was the person who died intestate. That would make sense. It also would explain her non-involvement - she was disinherited by her father.
22
@carol goldstein
Good catch, but the sister says the house was left "to his sons" & mentions "the family" not paying probate costs - indicating there are more relatives. LW1 says "2 of the sons moved in" implying there are more sons.
Having died intestate, the son's share of the house wouldn't automatically go to the brother who lives in the house; it would be distributed to HIS heirs, including spouse, children and/or other siblings per state law.
Clearly, ownership is muddy & can be remedied once authorities have been notified.
37
@knitfrenzy The Uniform Probate Code IS everyone's default Will. Unless you provide otherwise, your assets go half to the surviving spouse, if any, and half to the other survivors, children, grandchildren, and if none, then uncles and aunts, then cousins, etc. share and share alike. The house seems to belong in equal shares to all the decedent's offspring, and they all share the value as well as the responsibility for maintenance.
5
The neighbor should be reported as a vulnerable adult. The government can step in and appoint a guardian to look out for his interests. That may mean getting the house title cleared up and repairs made and bills paid by the guardian while he lives there under some supervision. Or it might mean finding safe housing elsewhere and using the proceeds from the house to fund this.
120
@Paul Bedker — just out of curiosity, have you ever reported someone as a “vulnerable adult”? If so, was anything meaningful accomplished? Based on 40 years’ experience, in my state, APS is useless.
4
@Paul Bedker This is the best solution yet.
I wouldn't hesitate for a second to badger the city into doing something about a blighted house next door to me.
The compassionate neighbor isn't doing anyone any favors by letting the situation continue, and it's none of their business what the homeowner might do with the proceeds from a sale.
273
@Randy There is significant difference between something being none of one's business and at the same time the ethical thing to do. If we could resolve all ethical questions by determining if, strictly speaking, it is our business then 90% of the questions asked here would have a clear and easy answer.
By the same token, you're not wrong. A house in that condition is a problem and letting the situation continue as it is does not help the person. I felt it was a little callous of you though to say that it's none of the letter writer's business. We have to temper our actions with a determination as to whether that action is in the best interests of the person who will be affected.
In a vacuum, in the absence of any other information, it is not the letter writer's business what that person would do with the money. In this situation where the money would directly flow from the action taken by the letter writer, it is appropriate for them to consider the possible consequences.
It is not in the best interests of the person living in that house to continue without heat or water. They could lose their property and be worse off. For that reason the advice given is correct. But I would not want to live in a world where the results of actions we take are not considered because, strictly speaking, they aren't our business. A lot of harm results when people let themselves off the hook, abdicating any concern or responsibility on the grounds that "it's none of my business."
7
To LW1, if you neighbor hasn't paid there taxes in several years, why not buy the tax rights from the city, then lien and foreclose on the property? This would solve your problem and your neighborhoods problem.
In my city, there is an ordinance that allows persistent drug homes to be confiscated by the City for 12 months, even when owner occupied. This has led to a vast improvement as once one of these homes are seized, they are sold and cleaned up or renovated. The City only takes this action after repeated violations and inaction by the property owner to rectify the issue.
44
LW1 seems very compassionate and has made every reasonable effort to help a troubled person. But those efforts have not been met with an improved situation, and it is time to take a different approach. That neighbor is but one person’s wellbeing to consider; how about that of everyone else in the vicinity? The potential for danger is far too great to leave things as they are. It’s time to involve the city and let the enforcers of all regulations and codes do their job.
179
I don’t buy that LW2 is in fact a high school freshman for a number of reasons, ranging from word choice (wrestling with the idea?) and phrasing to having to be shown TikToc. This seems more like a parent who saw something on their kid’s phone and is looking for a way to get permission to tell, since this has clearly been bothering them for years and they’re trying to find a reason. The Dr is right to note that most parents would be surprised, and a dance video is hardly reason to go calling CS.
213
@Michael I had similar reservations about that letter. How many 14 year old students "have long suspected" anything?
There's a hint of elitism too: "In my opinion, no high school freshman with a good family ... "
You're right. We aren't being told the straight story, in my opinion. And that makes me suspect that LW2 has an ulterior motive.
Could be wrong, of course, but it does make one wonder.
144
@Michael same
13
@Michael Yeah I agree, an adult wrote this.
20
The writer if the second letter is a high school freshman. If s/he has taken the time to write this, s/he is truly concerned. Whenever a kid (high school or otherwise) is concerned the appropriate step is to get a trustworthy adult involved. "Talk to the counselor and talk to your parents" should be the advice. While it is interesting to discuss the ethics of the situation, kids and teenagers need to know to seek help from the adults in their world with difficult decisions.
66
@Bob , Counselor without naming the other teen upfront, yes. Parents - it depends.The young person who wrote this appears to have enough good judgement to discern whether his parents might have helpful input or just freak out.
5
@Bob , I’m around kids a lot, and if that LW is a high school freshman, so am I. (Hint: I’m not.)
29
@Bob — as a former high school teacher, I can assure you that even 40 years ago, students didn’t use the phraseology or tone in Letter #2. This has got to be a parent or teacher who was shown (or somehow saw) the video.
8
I think that NW2 should definitely speak with a responsible adult about her concerns. It may turn out to not be an issue, but an adult who can help should be aware, either to help the girl she is concerned about or possibly to help NW2 with her own worries. When my daughter was in high school, she was concerned about a classmate who never brought lunch or lunch money and wasn’t signed up for free lunch and always seemed hungry and hinted of worrisome problems at home. We live in the country, and this classmate had no means of transportation other than the school bus so was essentially trapped in a difficult situation. My daughter told me and I spoke with their guidance counselor, who took appropriate steps without mentioning any names.
64
LW1 seems to be a caring person, a trait which, while generally admirable, is leading her to ignore her own very legitimate self-interest. The sanitary and health/safety conditions she outlines are legitimate and precisely the reason we have laws on the books to prevent tragedies such as fires or spread of disease from poor or no sanitation, on the books. She most definitely report the conditions she finds next door. If she is so inclined (and financially able) she may, of course, offer whatever support and assistance she feels capable of to the neighbor, but simply continuing to ignore the conditions she cites is not a wise choice, and one she will rue if some bad outcome occurs.
148
@George S
How about LW1 dealing w/the fallen tree rooted on his property for starters after making that phone call to the city agencies?
7
@knitfrenzy
Good point!
5
in Caifornia, any public school employee (indeed any nurse or physician, memberer of law enforcement and I am sure others in specific occupations), who sees, or hears of, or has reason to suspect of any possible abuse of a minor, defined very broadly, is a mandated reporter and has a limited time to report the situation to the appropriate social service agency or law enforcement, (and not just to one's supervisor) under penalty of imprisonment. Once the concerned student speaks to a school counselor, teacher, administrator or nurse a very definite chain of events will happen, involving the minor in question and the adults responsible for the care of that minor.
42
@Roger
but there's nothing here that really indicates abuse of a minor. Just a kid doing some TikTok, and another kid who come across a little judgmental of it.
I would think that the schools would already be aware of a long history of a student having 3-4 month absences in elementary school.
13
@AP You don't understand. As was taught to me at the beginning of every school year for 17 years: If, as a teacher, campus nurse or counselor, I am made aware of something of a sexual nature involving a minor, and I don't report it to a child-protection agency or law enforcement agency -not just the principal or campus psychologist within 5 days, I can be criminally liable under the California "Mandated Reporter" laws. So, if a student came to me reporting this incident, rather than risk my career, or to avoid possible criminal charges against me, I would report it. If the student lets any employee on campus know about the post, agencies other than the school will become involved.
7