It's refreshing to read about others who have also delayed getting their kids smartphones.
My daughter just turned 16 and got her first smartphone (she has a laptop and an iPod). We also live in a big city. She has had to figure things out on her own, but every time, she came home happy and ecstatic about having figured things out on her own. I've seen her self-esteem and independence grow as a result of not always being tethered to her phone or having easy access to me. If she forgets her homework or her lunch at home? Oh well, I am not running over to give it to her. She will learn. I have seen way too many parents use the excuse of safety for getting their kids a cellphone. It's not safety, it's control and always wanting to know where your kid is at any moment.
I believe that our generation of parents will look back and regret how early we gave our kids access to smartphones. I also believe that the constant access that these smartphones allow our kids leads to a lot of anxiety and bullying, especially among girls. You can't get away from each other. They will constantly text each other, etc. and things get blown out of proportion.
We are also getting our kids used to being tracked, constantly. They expect it and see it as normal, whether by their parents, their friends, advertisers. This is not normal and not healthy.
Our kids don't have a lot of time to just be kids and experience true freedom. Give it to them. Let them get to school and come back without a cellphone.
1
Um no... putting your child in a precarious situation where she has to rely on the kindness of strangers and guess her way through a big city - where everyone has a phone including your emergency babysitter - that’s not a sign of good or responsible parenting.. That is called a smug, anti tech mom selfishly putting her child in a precarious situation for no good reason but she wants her to live a life artificially and purposely denied if necessary technology. You as a parent control access to your child having a phone and your daughter had no choice but to use her wits in the stupid situation that YOU put her in... where she couldn’t contact you nor her friends sitter... all while you’re at the hospital with your other kid congratulating yourself. It’s great that this story had a good ending and the kid was safe but why did you need to even put her in that situation and cause everyone stress. I am also a mom of two kids of similar ages to the author. We got phones for both our kids this year, for both safety, convenience - so the whole family can be in touch with our busy schedules- and also their social networks, friends and peers are all online. It does suck to be socially excluded when all of your friends mainly communicate through a group chat or tic tok. Again why put your kid through that to teach them some fake lesson from your no-longer-existing 1980s childhood. Give me a break.. and get your kids phones you smug, deluded Boomer.
1
Loved this story. My son is 25 now, but when he was a tween he was riding the subway in Manhattan, with a flip phone for emergencies, and I felt good about that.
I’ve often thought of how I would handle the situation, if he were a tween now in the era of smartphones. Your article re-enforces all the things I believe in about teaching our children actual life skills, how to read the room, self advocacy, self confidence, self reliance. Thanks so much for this. You’re a great mom, and I applaud you for affording your girls some time to develop their minds and personalities without the pressures and distorted realities that smartphones bring.
2
OK, I heard Ms. Birmingham on WNYC this morning, having seen (and not read) the article in the NYT several days ago ("oh, no, not another anti-technology rant!!") and the 1st thing that popped into my head after hearing her story was "why the ---- doesn't her child have a "dumbphone"?? I just now read the article and I'm happy she and her daughter are now going to get one...! For what it's worth, I'm a technophile and hardware/software engineer and I don't have a smartphone either: I spend enough time as it is on the Web, thank you, and all I "need" is the Web, 24-7, in my pocket, and, also, yes, 11 is way too young to have unfiltered, unmoderated access to the Internet.
First off, I am 100% supportive of 11 year olds with good sense.
That said, readers from outside metro NY should know that busing for NYC schoolchildren ends in 6th grade. So, officially, the city takes the view that at age 12, you're old enough to get to school on your own. For many that involves subway/bus rides and lots of walking on quiet streets.
Eleven isn't that far ahead of the curve here in the big city.
1
We waited until our son was 13 to give him a "smart" phone (he had a flip phone before that). We regulate with Apple's Screen Time and a filter called Covenant Eyes. Negotiating/regulating screen use has become a full time job, generating much stress in the family - parents aren't always on the same page, child always wants more time/games/apps, going down questionable YouTube rabbit holes, fudging the truth about his phone use, etc. Our son is not a bad kid. He knows right from wrong. But smart phones are powerful drugs. We are exhausted. Wait if you can. As long as you can.
4
The lack of coherent logic in the comments here is absurd.
From the one hand, folks argue that a parent must trust the child with a device that has on it all forms of extreme media, a device through which kids watch porn as young as eight and from which a lot of bad things have sprung: bullying, social pressure, fractured attention, premature exposure to hard topics, too much self marketing.
On the other hand, these same parents have zero respect that a child of eleven, a big kid mind you, in New York City mind you, could survive without a phone. New York City is packed with options for a lost child. If something bad happens, someone will see. Unlike on the phone...
So parents think an eleven year old can handle a device that is designed to be addictive, a device that is a giant untested experiment, BUT they don’t think the child can handle getting around her very safe city?
It’s mind boggling! If there is anything parents should trust their kids on, it’s to learn to navigate the world and be a little resourceful. If there is anything that parents should say “hold off, this is not something a developing brain can handle yet”, it’s a tech-drug as powerful as no addictive substance we’ve seen before.
The misplaced priorities are a product of sloppy excuse making for parents who take the easier path of appeasing their child and all that.
Smartphones on kids is a public health crisis. It’s a shame we’re in denial.
7
Well said
1
Um, Ms. Birmingham, this may come as a surprise to you, but there was a time not long ago when nobody had cell phones. Kids were routinely taught what to do if out of communication or lost: Tell a safe adult, preferably a policeman. Nice that your daughter figured this out, but basic stuff like that ought to be part of every parent's education of their kids. Cheers.
5
Come on folks. Let's quit the parent shaming. Good for you, Micaela, for sticking to your principles.
5
Why not give your daughter instructions on which train/bus to take to meet you at the hospital?
I also have to have these coonversations all the time with my 3rd grade twins. They are desperate for smart phones. I've told them no phones until maybe 5th grade and then only dumb phones. They'll have to wait until they are 14 for a smart phone. It is difficult and as a middle school teacher I see this struggle all the time with my own students. The few who don't have phones definitely feel they are the odd-ones-out. However, those that do have smart phones, are glued to those small screens at any chance they get. It is unfortunate as they sacrifice their own creativity and conversation with peers by burying their heads in the digital world.
6
I also have to have these coonversations all the time with my 3rd grade twins. They are desperate for smart phones. I've told them no phones until maybe 5th grade and then only dumb phones. They'll have to wait until they are 14 for a smart phone. It is difficult and as a middle school teacher I see this struggle all the time with my own students. The few who don't have phones definitely feel they are the odd-ones-out. However, those that do have smart phones, are glued to those small screens at any chance they get. It is unfortunate as they sacrifice their own creativity and conversation with peers by burying their heads in the digital world.
3
Just the sweetest and most uplifting story ever, this made my day. You daughters both sound like intelligent and capable young women..and yes it was smart of her to put two and two together, if they couldn't her ice mocha latte (sorry mango passion tea) right, they were unlikely to be of much help to anybody...about anything...or anyone :-)
2
I grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Before cell phones, pocket calculators, and computers. I am now over 70 and managed to survive. The world is not any more dangerous than it was back then. Crime is really not any higher today.
Have faith in our children. They prefer the technological upgrades but they can manage without them.
3
I guess you forgot there were pay phones available on almost every corner. Also how about teaching your youngsters to ask for help at pharmacies or other stores. Also as usual, ask a policeman.......
There is zero virtue rejecting something that not only makes things more convenient (like the babysitter having the cell phone number of the daughter, and vice versa, if the daughter had a phone, so neither had to sit for half an hour in the wrong shop), but safer. I’m not someone who thinks monsters are around every corner, but it makes no sense to deny an old-enough child access to something that could help her in a crisis. Heck, I’m a middle aged woman who’s not afraid of much, and have given thanks for my cell in countless situations, including getting heat stroke and vertigo during a solo bike ride in a rural area. Without my phone I’d have had no means of getting help. It’s about her safety and convenience (and convenience does matter), not a parent’s determination to cling to an all in or all out value that makes no sense. Get a cheap trac flip phone, for goodness sake, so that 911 or a familiar voice are closer to her for any kind of emergency. You can still learn to navigate and handle yourself anyplace, even if you own a cell phone.
15
@Wendy Abrahamson Back then pay phones were everywhere. Call 911 on a true emergency, or call collect if not enough quarters are available. But now pay phones are not as ubiquitous in some areas, I don't know how it is in NYC, but pay phones are becoming a rare sight in my area.
4
I'm sorry but the risk was unacceptable. We all want our children to be as self sufficient and confident as possible and I certainly am not a fan of iPhones for 11 yr olds. But she definitely needs a standard flip phone for just such a scenario as occurred. There are far too many variables here including the maturity of 11 yr olds which can be like the difference between day and night in some cases. A child can be snatched in an instant no matter how smart or street savvy, or how good they are at critical thinking. Glad to hear that you are getting her a flip phone but consider yourself fortunate that she is safe after this incident and it certainly would not have been the child's fault if something had gone terribly wrong but she is the one who would have suffered and guilt would have followed you the rest of your life, or maybe I should just speak for myself and say it would have most certainly followed me.
12
I used to navigate Chicago's city transit system at nine. It was just what we did. It is suprising that this is unusual now.
3
Not wanting your child to have a smart phone at that age is understandable, but there is absolutely no reason why she cannot have cell phone (remember them?) that she can use in emergencies. The days of having a payphone on every corner are long gone. You asked if you are a terrible parent —- you are.
16
@Tony
No, she’s not. Please. Commentors here are absurd, absolutely absurd.
For what it’s worth, try giving a young child a dumb found and odds are high that he/she will forget it or forget to charge it. It’s just another thing to lug around, and without anything interesting on it, it just isn’t reliably on the child. And that’s okay. Kids will forget things and deal with the consequences.
Yes, there are risks. There are risks inherent in life. To shelter kids from all risks is to essentially cripple the child. A good parent knows to allow for reasonable risks, not outlandish risks and not for the elimination of risks. In my view, letting kids carry these addictive devices at a young age is outlandish risk (ie the 12 year old in my son’s class who watched porn on a school trip to Bush Gardens). But to let a child figure things out in a place like New York City, with a million avenues for help, is a solid, reasonable, smart and educational risks.
You know what though? In the case of the risk of letting kids figure things out on their own, the parents stand to be blamed. And that’s what scares parents here. The parents are cowards. They’d rather protect themselves than try to let their kids learn, stumble, grow some muscle.
1
Really you and your daughter got lucky. Glad you decided on a flip phone but consider this : she could have asked to use the phone at Starbucks where there were lots of people around and it would have been safer for several reasons. Also, your children are capable of learning to use a phone appropriately. Your need to control things which are beyond control is a problem. We live in a world full of technology. Teach them about it in the same way you have, I am sure, taught them to swim.
7
“Not only was her face not glued to a screen as she sat alone in a coffee shop, unaware of her surroundings; she was also alert and observing the people around her. She spoke to an adult, advocated for herself and calmly handled the situation, making good choices....”
This describes childhood & adolescent behavior for most children taught common sense & self-reliance in the age before so-called smart phones made young people mostly incapable of even the simplest acts of being a well-adjusted social being - including the ability to focus and hold a linear conversation with another human on a topic unrelated to the technologies which have rendered these “skills” (“habits” in the old analog world) almost impossible for most people under a certain age.
Think this is an exaggeration? Try having someone under 40 switch off his or her cell phone, put it away where it’s out of reach, and sit down for a conversation lasting more than 15 minutes. If that person is under the age of 30, “difficult“ becomes “downright excruciating.“ A cell phone repair technician in Davis, California recently told me that UCD students who leave their devices with him need to know exactly when they will be ready, lest the symptoms of short-term smart phone withdrawal cause them acute anxiety.
The tipping point of mass addiction passed long ago. We are collectively sick, with no signs of a remedy on the horizon. Unless “influencers” start making flip-phones cool again, which is a logical impossibility
8
@Jon
I fully agree except for one point. This is not a plague of those under 40 or 30. It's everyone. People in their 70s are just as addicted to their phones as people in their 20s.
Also, we tend to blame the symptom and not the cause. I teach high school and I always have parents saying to me "these kids with the phones! Am I right?!" But who gave the kids the phones?
6
@Belzoni: Your point is well taken and consistent with the behavior of many I’ve encountered as well. But I nonetheless believe there is a tech-addiction curve indicating that severity generally has an inverse relationship with age, with the sharpest downward shift in an already downward-sloping curve perhaps closer to 70, as you suggest. This is an empirical question that clearly needs to be researched by behavioral psychologists.
But the evident inability to focus and be linear in conversation (and, yes, work) seems to follow a different curve, with people’s forced socialization and entry into the workforce (despite the proliferation of socially-isolated tech-based work...no surprise at the links here), which teenagers and many people in their twenties seem stubbornly able to resist, making it more difficult to be acutely affected by this handicap when one reaches a certain age. I’m merely speculating that this would tend to be somewhere just under the age of 30.
Again, this is an empirical question which could be tentatively answered if a defensible research methodology is used. As a political science PhD, I know these things are easier to discuss than they are to execute. Yet, I’d still like to see the findings of such a study.
1
Read the story, poor parenting. The family was lucky...this time.
6
Rather than leaving starbucks, she could have asked for their phone. Or just used one you gave her. It doesn't have to be a smart phone, just a limited one for contacting you and emergency services. when there is unnecessary risk involved like your kid walking a block or two alone, just opt for a phone. Use your resources, don't abuse them. It's 2020.
6
Nice to know the girl remembered her mothers phone number. I know some adults who don't remember important phone numbers anymore.
4
In 1968, our Hebrew school class took a trip to New York for the day from New London, Connecticut. When it was time to leave, one of the classmates was missing. She may have been missing for awhile and no one noticed even though they had done a count. Of course, there were no cell phones in 1968. I know there were frantic chaperones. Somehow this classmate returned. I seem to remember tales of her befriending Hippies in Central Park! It was a different time, for sure. But, somehow we did not feel as unsafe as people do now.
2
My son, who is Black, was taken off the LIRR train home from Stuyvesant to our apartment in Queens after showing a student rail pass that was smudged. This was before the era of ubiquitous cellphones and I was on the uptown campus of a university where I was doing a professional masters degree and had no phone contact. Fortunately, another relative was reachable nearby on the phone call allowed him by the local precinct. She collected him and we had a visit from LIRR employees , with apology and new rail pass, the same night.
My son, having grown up in Africa, where he was a member of a privileged middle class, was not fazed by this experience. But given the society we live in, all Black male teens need phones when they are moving around. Flip phones are fine; they call and text, and the batteries usually last forever.
11
I think people who came of age in the era of ubiquitous cell phones have a harder time understanding how perfectly normal it was to live without them. Yes, there were more pay phones then, but they weren't everywhere, and I can't imagine many people turning away a child who wants to make a call.
Plus, crime is way down compared to the past several decades. The odds of anything bad happening are pretty slim. Let's not be so judgmental just because a child didn't have a phone for a few minutes.
5
Good for you! Children today are not growing up to be self sufficient. I had a college professor tell me that she's seen graduate students show up at school with parents that helped them with picking classes.
Experience can't be given to someone, they must work hard to earn it. Hopefully without to many bumps along they way.
7
My young adult kids, now 20 and 24, got dumb cell phones in 7th grade and 9th grade, respectively, when they began to ride public transit alone to/from school. The 24 y.o. got a smart phone after their second year of college while the 20 y.o. got a smart phone as a holiday gift as a freshman in high school after insisting it was needed for group text communication with sports teammates and coaches. Now that they’re older, my kids are thankful that they did not get smart phones earlier like many of their friends did. And as a middle-aged adult who uses her smart phone all the time (including to read this article in the NYT and write this message), I can attest to the distractibility and lack of awareness of my surroundings that my use of my smart phone can lead to, in spite of its many attributes as a communication, information and learning tool (hello audiobooks from my local public library...)
8
Oh, you're so brave and courageous.
I wish I were as brave and courageous but I feel most comfortable with the crowd. I go with the sheep.
6
It seems like the 11 year old is more careful, sensible, resourceful and cool under pressure than the mom. No careful parent, with sufficient time to prep, should say "meet at the nearby Starbucks" without specifying the exact address. Also, from a troubleshooting standpoint, one of the three should have asked herself "could the issue be that there's more than one Starbucks nearby?" From a practical standpoint, I agree with those who advocate starting the kids with a flip phone before giving them the Pandora's Box of an iPhone. That's what we did with our daughter. It would have the side benefit of teaching deferred gratification.
9
I took high school students (jrs and srs) to Europe over vacation for years. The last several years, I noted how much students lacked in resourcefulness. They needed to ask me questions on solving problems that just a few years before would have been no-brainers to solve. "I forgot my toothbrush, what'll I do?'' "My hotel room doesn't have any towels, what'll I do?" "I don't want water with my meal, can I ask for a soda?' I applaud this parent for teaching important lessons in everyday problem solving. However, there aren't any public pay phones in 2020, so get your child a flip phone!
9
Our boys 16 and 12 have flip phones. They are known as the kids with the flip phones. We love it. They don't so much but we are teaching them the importance of using their voices and face-to-face to communicate rather than texting.
20
@Vivian
I’m so proud of people like you. I wish there were more who dared to take a stand. It’s the harder route, though.
3
Oh, my word!
What ridiculous either-or thinking. It isn't a choice of no phone or smartphone!
Get your daughter a cheap flip phone ($20-30) on a pay-as-you-go plan — as low as $8 a month. That's provides security for her — and peace of mind for you! It's a no-brainer! Such a phone would have prevented the crisis in a jiffy.
Why risk going without?! There are few pay phones these days.
Your story could have had a miserable ending. Glad your daughter is street and adult savvy, but this could easily have turned into a tragedy!
Wise up, mother rather than risk your daighters' well being just to tout your “cool”, no-smartphone mantra!
39
@Marsha Pembroke A tragedy? Really? I think you might be underestimating the common sense and intelligence of 6th graders. My 4th and 5th graders do not have a phone of any kind and they're doing just fine.
7
@Marsha Pembroke -
Did you read this story to the end? If you had, you would have seen this: "Our family is now shopping for a screen-free flip phone. "
1
What? And count on OTHER humans to show kindness and generosity and compassion for the little tyke… Well you're out and on you're own, on that prospect
6
Get them flip phones.
8
Is this some kind of last stand against tech? You don't want your daughters to tik tok? What about setting limits?
Her daughters go to school in Manhattan, does she bring them every day? A nanny? or do they travel alone?
You have not won the best mom award, maybe the most untrusting mom, trust your daughters. I find all this backlash against kids having phones to MEH.. back in the 60s a lot of girls had pink phones, we passed notes.. Kids are more resilient than this mom thinks.
11
@KT B Just a few years ago, almost no one carried a phone. Now suddenly it's a "last stand" and you question whether she's a good mom?
7
Have you read the statistics on trafficked children? I'm glad you are proud of yourself, but this could have ended so badly. If it had, we would be reading about you and your decision-making in an entirely different context.
17
@Lee
Yes, true, but it would be great material for Scary Mommy. I don't want to do the Risk vs Reward or the Return on Investment on that but... Entertainment is entertainment.
1
@Lee Odds of her being trafficked? Practically nil.
4
As a 19 year old voluntary flip phone user for over a year now fresh out of the "nest", I really appreciate the way that you are raising your kids. They probably hold it against you, as I did with my parents, but I promise you they will eventually respect and maybe even thank you for it. HOWEVER, I must warn you that your reasonable ideals verge on zealotry, as is often the case. The fact that you end the article by saying that you are shopping for a screen-free flip phone alarmed me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it betrays your more zealous anti-screen tenancies. Not all screens are created equal and failing to understand that and incorporate it into your decision making process with almost certainly loose you any hard earned respect from your kids. I advise you to shop for a cheap, but functional flip phone (which will surely have a screen), but make sure its web browser is not very functional. I chose my flip phone because it has a robust browser that can handle google maps and the Times, but also instagram (the crux of the smartphone dilemma.) Secondly, despite your best efforts you must begin reckoning with the fact that you will eventually almost certainly have no choice but to get your kids smartphones. You evidently, as many parents do, grossly underestimate the the social isolation of someone that cannot take part in cyber social life. So I encourage you to teach your kids why you don't want them to have smartphones, so they can be responsible when they get them.
13
An inexpensive, prepaid flip phone would be a good option. Any number of services (we use AT&T and TracFone) are relatively cheap (about 7 bucks/month) and provide basic communication without all the distractions that a smartphone has. While there is some (very) basic texting, there are no "apps" and no social media.
2
Oldie comment alert.
All over metropolis within sight of Manhattan to my certain knowledge into the early 80's pretty much all parents of children told their kids to go out and play and don't come home until the street lights come on. It was just as dangerous if not more dangerous then than it is now. And even kids with poor oversight and traumatic lives learned to cope with the world and how to read people and do things or ask for things from strangers. We knew how to accept no and to be careful. That is how a kid learns street smarts. By teaching them right from wrong, proper manners, how to behave and allowing them to go in to the world and use that knowledge on their own where you are not present to fix it for them right away. This is when character comes out and develops, under stress on your own in the world.
9
When I was young there were pay phones. Now, not so much. I believe it is naive to expect that a young girl will always encounter kind strangers when she is alone and asks to use the phone. Just because kids get through an experience doesn't mean it has positive benefits.
14
@leftsider
Wow. The kid looked for a good person to ask. She used her ability to read people and differentiated out the fact that the doorman who is paid to be professional and polite would be a good choice to ask. Most kids can do this by the time they are 6 or7. Well if they have been taught to think instead of what to think.
5
I was 12 in 1965 when I traveled to Manhattan with my father on a sales trip. He gave me $20 bucks for the day, and I walked and walked. I saw the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and Central Park to name a few things. Of course I was a street-wise kid from Somerville MA, and used to walking all over Boston.
15
When we were kids we had walkie talkies and transistor radios. What's the difference?
1
Scary scary. I would've freaked out. Truly. Congrats lady that you kept your wits about you.
When our then 4 year old (she's a lovely girl of 16 now) had dislocated her shoulder, my wife had to bring her with the nanny and our 1 year old (we used to live down by Columbus Circle) to the emergency at St. Luke's Roosevelt on the UWS. I was in DC for business and my youngest was freaked out and crying like crazy. The nanny wanted to go home to attend to her family. I rushed to the airport but missed the last shuttle, so waited to get the first one next morning at 6 am. What a crazy night it was for all of us. Ah the joys and travails of raising two kids in NYC. Work made us move to the Pacific NW soon after. It was a breeze there. But guess what - the girls are determined to go to back "home" to attend college in NYC. As they say, you can get a NYer out of NY, but you can't get NY out of them.
1
I hope Micaéla visits the nice doorman to offer thanks, and perhaps a very early holiday tip!
10
Kudos Ms. Birmingham! The world is not as tragic as we think nor as dangerous as we make it out to be and this article proves that children today are as resourceful today as they were 40 years ago or more. The lack of a phone, as the article points out, forced her to be more aware, to be more resourceful and to trust her environs and her self-sufficiency as well as other people, that contrary to what we are "sold" are there to help.
8
Thanks for this article. With 2 daughters at 7 and 5, I too am planning to resist the iphone. I like the idea of a flip phone - and a Taken movie marathon.
9
This article compels me to write. My wife, son and I live in Brooklyn. Our son is 11 years old son.
I am out of state on business. Today, like every other day, he will take the bus & subway home from school, on his own. Once home he will walk the dog, go play sports, and then start his homework.
Also, he has an iphone.
The two things are completely unrelated. I'm sure the author's kids are great... but so is mine, and I'm willing to bet that her kids would be just as independent if they had iphones.
37
Why does anything in today’s world has to be better or worse? Just two different approaches and whatever works for each one of us. The fact that her daughter did what she did and was fine with it proves the point of the article. For as many pluses of the smart phones there just as many, if not more negatives. So, once again, as parents we have to weigh all the alternatives. I have three adult children that grew up without smart phones. Have lived all over the world and have become self sufficient, confident and successful Lin spite of it. Better? No. Just another approach.
9
Yet, one approach — no phone at all — is demonstrably and logically less safe than the other.
Why risk your child's safety and your peace of mind just to save $8/month?
The other reader's comment was spot on. The columnist was touting her daughter’s independence, maturity, and street smarts, but having a phone doesn't preclude that at all!
Plus, the reality is that the mother was freaking out — even if the daughter kept her cool! So, getting an inexpensive flip phone for the child would have given her much needed peace of mind.
7
I like the iPhone too for kids because you can keep track of their location. Today it’s a challenge with screens but they all have I pads & computers where they can get into the screen mischief. All have to be monitored.
1
I postponed getting a phone until I was 64. So sorry I waited. It's not very good at calls, but wow, it's amazing having a camera that good with me at all times. Not to mention being able to search the knowledge of the world. Wikipedia with me at all times. A great calculator. Great having a maps app with me too. Never lost.
14
One of my childhood friends had no TV in her house. Her parents thought that by raising their kids without one, they wouldn't get addicted and become TV zombies.
So what happened?
Whenever this girl was at my house or any other house with a TV, all she wanted to do was watch TV. If the TV was off, she'd turn it on or beg us to turn it on. If we were playing a game and the TV was on, she'd ignore the game. Etc. It was like she was mesmerized the thing --- she was a TV zombie when all the rest of us had learned to turn away from it, because her parents had turned TV into a forbidden fruit instead of teaching her how to use it responsibly.
You can't hide your children from reality. The world just doesn't work that way. If the writer's daughter had even a calls-only phone, she could have called the babysitter immediately and stress levels would have been an order or less in magnitude.
47
It seems like not giving your child a smartphone is now a badge of good parenting, sort of like not having a TV in the house. And the worry is that the introduction of smartphones is a slippery slope to kids who don't engage with the world.
But smartphones are a tool, just like anything else, and you can set your own rules on how much you use them. Before they got smartphones, my kids used to zone out with a book during dinner, specially when they were in the final chapters. When my husband is in charge, our family does the New Yorker crossword together over dinner. How is that different from communicating with their friends using a smartphone?
My kids both have smartphones with WhatsApp installed so they can communicate with relatives in other continents. And once they get home, they are not allowed to use them while doing homework. They use them to coordinate with their friends on getting to school (walk or bike or carpool), playdates and sleepovers. That is independence too!
22
As a a NYC kid in the 1940's living then on East 73rd street & Madison avenue ,my mom would say to me that "you can go outside of our building but stay there to play."
However one day two elderly ladies engaged me in conversation in front of our building took my hand and just a few doors up closer to Fifth avenue brought me into their home for a soda .
My mom not seeing me downstairs went into a panic ,the doorman across the street did not see me taken away.
In the elderly ladies apartment I entertained them performing a pantomime of my father & brother's violin playing and spoke of my mom's "German singing".
After my soda drink & ice cream treats the ladies showed me to the door stating to me words of my cuteness ,my mom and the cops came rushing over and all was well again.
I was reprimanded quite often that week not to go anywhere with strangers , The old ladies explained tot he police that "he was such a cute little boy and looked lonely".
7
The only problem now is the lack of payphones. Back before cell phones were so ubiquitous, it was easy to use a pay phone if one needed to. Now we introduce another level of risk into the equation as it requires a cell-phone-less person to request using the phone of a stranger. But as your daughter showed, you can pick the stranger carefully; a retail clerk, doorman, UPS/USPS person, sweet old lady etc.
But really, especially in a city, why the need for every kid to have a cell phone anyway? It's good for kids to have to make some independent decisions.
9
This situation reminds me of an article a few years back regarding the automation of airliners' cockpits. So much of it is now completely automated that pilots seldom ever get the chance to garner experience through in-flight small crisis type situation.
Therefore, pilots are increasingly not equipped to handle unassisted an unusual event during a flight, and they rely on the automation until it fails.
We have grown so used to asking our phones for direction, the closest Starbucks, the reason why our throat hurts or what the exact address of our friend is, that we are increasingly ill-equipped to deal with life on our own. Let alone the attention span deficit and screen time, we are "unlearning" to do so many things just to keep up with technology.
While I think being abreast of what technology has to offer us is a good thing, substituting it for everything is not. It is amazing what a cell phone can do today, but it is also healthy to put it away.
The debate in this article is not about technology, but about a mom and a dad teaching their daughters how to handle life. And yes, cell phones and computers and tablets are but one tool at their disposal, but in the end, this is what they can do that really matters.
11
In 1968 When I was in second grade at Columbia Grammar, on West 94th Street, I used to take two public buses to get there every morning with my friend. Just the two of us. We would meet on the corner of 77th and West End (one block from each of our apartments), walk to Broadway and 79th St., catch the 79th St. crosstown bus, and transfer to the bus that goes up at Central Park West. We’d reverse it on the way home. Not only did nothing bad ever happen to us, it gave me incredible confidence in myself. I could not believe it when, in 1972 my family moved to Port Washington, and none of my friends felt comfortable going into Manhattan. Not even in high school. Perhaps I too would have felt that way if I had never been allowed to have this type of independence. But I was grateful to have it. It gave me options, could let me see more of the world, and gave me strength So I say yay to the author of this article.
12
@Liz morrill This is not 1968- not even 1972. How great that you made it out alive- not necessarily the case now- life is far more dangerous.
4
Actually, statistically NYC is much, much safer now (much lower crime rates) than it was in the 60s and 70s. It is our perception of our safety, and increased anxiety in general, that has changed.
9
Solid not cool from me. Having a phone saves time and promotes independence. Also: was there really not a parent or coach you could contact to take her until you were done? If so, the loss of community is the concern (and going to school far from home doesn’t help). Seems like a parenting fail not a tech issue.
22
I think a bigger issue is the too-easy availability of food. When we were hunter-gatherers our minds and morals were kept sharp. Now any kid can go into a supermarket and feel entitled to blueberries in February.
12
@Robert I admit this is funny.
You could buy a pay as you go flip phone and give to the child to have with her on a case by case basis, like when she is going to be at the pool and you are going to be somewhere else. Actually if she had that very slight tether to you it might actually allow for her to have more independence and more safety.
9
@Dora The end of the article she states that "Our family is now shopping for a screen-free flip phone."
1
Doormen are awesome! Many years ago, my own 11-year-old took a crosstown bus to go from the west side of Central Park to the east side, for an art class he was taking at the Met. One stop. One. He had a flip phone, and although in those early days, digital games were basic, he was nonetheless engrossed and missed his stop. He called me from York Ave. He had been on the 86th St crosstown, and knew the museum was on 5th, so (he assured me) he was just going to “walk downtown,” having not distinguished streets from avenues. He was at about 79th St. by then, so I suggested he take a crosstown bus back to the Met, call me when you get there, problem solved. About 20 minutes later, I get a phone call. Having boarded the wrong “crosstown” bus, he was now on Sutton Place and 57th St. He too, looked around for a Starbucks, found none, saw a building with a doorman, asked if he could wait there for me to pick him up. Doormen are the eyes and ears of (admittedly, certain parts) of New York, and this one, too, helped out a lost kid. “Eyes on the street,” however, shouldn’t be reserved for only exclusive sections of town. And street cameras don’t count.
6
I don't understand why you could not leave your 10-year-old with the nurses, doctors and technicians while you took the relatively short period of time to pick up your other child. This isn't an issue of having or not having a cellphone (for rather esoteric reasons, I might add) but an issue of establishing priorities and how to balance responsibilities on the fly.
14
I would not advise any parent to leave their child in a NYC emergency room. It can be scary and overwhelming to say the least. The ER doctors, nurses, and technicians you mention are very busy taking care of many patients.
15
@John OBrienj
You’re kidding, right? Don’t leave a kid alone in an emergency room or in fact anywhere in a big city hospital. You need to observe, question, and approve treatment and be a calming, loving parent to your child. Not to mention the aren’t babysitters.
9
Surely you have never been in the ER with a child! There is no way that would be allowed these days.
2
Seems strange we need to have this conversation. I grew up when cellphones were not for children. Smartphones didn't even exist. New York had this strange device called a payphone. You put coins in it. You could even dial collect.
I know this is all ancient history now. However, I feel as though we shouldn't really panic about the absence of smartphones in children's lives. A burner phone is probably a good idea seeing as payphones no longer exist. However, teaching your child to ask well respected adults for assistance is good practice.
There's also something to be said for teaching children geographical orientation. Especially in a place like New York. Mental map building is extremely valuable. Cell phone batteries die. Spending time with a map one weekend probably wouldn't hurt.
That said, my knee jerk reaction would have been to just tell the kid to stay at the pool. Unless they're shutting down, it's easier to find someone stationary. Have the babysitter meet her there. Boring for the kid but effortless for the parent.
13
My kids have phones. Unfortunately, it is the main way they socialize these days. My son got one when he was 13 or 14 and had to travel 2 hours each way to one of the specialized high schools in manhattan. The phone kept him in contact with us and gave us peace of mind. He also became an expert at navigating the subway system. I'm not really sure how not giving your child a phone promoted her independence.
12
Yes, "..score one for the analog world." ..except we do not live in an analog world anymore, neither our kids. Unfortunately they will have to learn how to navigate the digital world as much as the "real" one. Not sure what's the benefit of delaying the inevitable.
13
Yes it cool to get your child a cell phone - good parenting too. However your kids were well raised and rose to the occasion with super smart decision making. That is what they learned from you and themselves traveling daily to all their extra-curricular activities. Peace of mind first for your child to have a cell phone as a defensive measure and your sanity! Congrats!
5
My ex gave my twelve year old son an iPhone while I was away without discussing it with me. I was holding out. I bought him a little Nokia, a dumbphone if you will. It was charming to see the old tech and it worked perfectly. After a few months with the iPhone and literally losing all the remaining contact I had with my son (car ride banter, sidewalk talk, subway platform people watching) I took his phone away after some very poor behavior in school. My ex insisted that he has to have a phone for her to feel secure so I gave him back his Nokia. Lo and behold I had my son back. He was engaged, curious, fun and present again. He doesn't seem to really miss his phone though his behavior has been exemplary the last few weeks. In the bargain I reduced his internet time to one hour a day. He doesn't complain or ever pine for more. It seemed impossible to think of him not on his computer for hours a day. I often find that my supposed limitations of my son are really limitations in me. Try doing things differently, especially things that aren't working and seem impossible to change (by today's standards). You will be surprised by the results.
19
I took the LIRR every Friday from Penn Station from the time I was 9 until 14, and back (plus the subway ride) during the 1970s. Not a big deal.
10
That would be considered negligible parenting and near child abuse these days. *rolling my eyes*
The hand wringing and self congratulations are impressive, when there are kids this age in big cities navigating trains, subways, and buses all over the world.
It’s okay to give your kid a phone so they never have to judge who might be bad or good. It is telling, though, that she chose a lone man in a fancy building versus hourly employees and their manager at a cafe that the writer originally deemed safe enough for her daughter to wait alone. Teach her there is safety in numbers. Teach her what police teach kids: Find a mom. Find a nearby mother to help. Barring that, talk to the cafe manager. If you’re not going to give her a phone she can use to reach the babysitter, then at least teach her the things that will keep her safe.
20
I grew up in 70s NYC. Way more 'dangerous' than it is today, and yet our parents encouraged us to make our way our own way; it was expected we learn to navigate the city/subway/bus system. Sure we were given tactics: don't go here, look out for this, but the rest we figured out. Most of the time we traveled as a group, but sometimes singly. Was I scared sometimes, sure. All of this built my confidence and gave me invaluable reasoning, and people skills. I'm certain that I can navigate any city in the world. I worked for a youth program and one of their first exercises was to learn more than one way home from school on public transportation. Priceless. I feel sorry for kids who will never know NYC outside of the strict parameters they've been given. Living in the most diverse city in the world, but not really experiencing it. Glad for the flip phone, that was a good compromise.
21
@Mel Exactly my experience growing up in Manahttan then Queens but always straddling both worlds by traveling between them. It was a gritty era and the same dangers and lurked in every corner. I did this from age 9 or 10 and well prepared by my parents to do so. Yes, kids are coddled to death (overly protective parents) and don't learn to how to navigate life in the city for basic needs. Street smarts is an experience not taught in school and most NYC kids in our era needed it to survive on their own. Most would take this knowledge and apply it in their work lives - quite an advantage knowing how to have your ear to the ground.
5
@Mel We travelled on the buses and subway alone in the 60s and 70s. Starting at seven years old. Nobody we knew owned a car then in Brooklyn. All the kids we knew were in the same boat.
7
@Mel
I read this article and think, "Western civilization issue ...":
"Where are you? Are you O.K.?" I panted.
Really: Anxiety and "survival" must be contextual: A pre-teen "surviving" New York without a mobile phone is not surviving Aleppo.
4
Why didn't you send the babysitter to the pool?
12
Or have the mom use her smartphone to order a car for the daughter to meet them at the hospital?
Wow. I’m not sure that you could pack more white privilege into such a short article. Let us thank the dear lord that this young, private school girl was saved from the clutches of lower Manhattan by the doorman of a Tribeca high rise. Eloise would be proud.
56
@Ralph
Missin' the point a little there Ralphie.
3
Basically a nice story, with a welcome happy outcome, but the self-congratulation, narcissistic focus on self, and almost comically overheated language of self-promotion make a reader wonder if this parent really "got it" or not.
32
Your lucky because this could have ended worse. Glad she was safe.
6
That’s right. It could have ended with a nuclear war starting in those 5 minutes. But that’s statistically highly unlikely. As is any significant trouble in this day of low crime rates.
5
What happened to teaching your child self sufficiency in any situation?
The wealthier the kid, the less they learn this.
3
Independence is one of the best things we can teach our kids. Your daughter did exactly the right thing. And while she was right to try to figure out where to go to call you, it’s off putting and naive to imply that she, or anyone, can tell who is “kidnapp-y” by their looks.
8
Bravo mama! You should be proud of the adult you are raising.
I grew up in NYC in the 70s. We moved from Brooklyn to Queens when I was 12. Changing trains and taking bus was long haul. Our parents decided we should continue school in Brooklyn. There are many stories to tell even of adults who refused to allow us to use a phone. I decided I wanted my son to go toa local school. Unfortunately, in NYC not all communities have quality high schools for example Southeast Queens. So my son must travel far. We decided he should get a phone in the 8th grade. He actually didn’t see a need for it and used it responsibly. Call me a helicopter parent but I’ve been there and things are a lot worse than before with human trafficking. Not every parent has the privilege of knowing someone will trust their child.
5
I find the range of subjects in the comments intriguing. On the one hand, the article and comments touch upon allowing kids the freedom to grow up, to explore and to learn. On the other hand, the article and comments touch upon the fear parents have when the kids are out of the house. The point I am unsure about is how mobile phones, flip or smart, are important to either subject as the article and some comments seem to imply. To me, the more important question is whether screens of any type and the burgeoning world of artificial intelligence ("Hey Google or Alexa or Siri...") are decreasing the ability of children to think and learn, and my answer is yes.
13
I grew up in nyc in the 50s and 60s. I lived in flushing back then and a very good friend lived in uptown manhattan. I road the subways alone all the time and so did my friends. Once in a while I saw unsettling things. Once when a man exposed himself, it creeped me out. But generally it was just boring spending time on the subways. But I was able to see a lot of interesting places like the 53rd st library, the metropolitan museum, Moma and broadway theaters. My friends and I had fun.
3
Phones kill imagination. I know ! I’m an artist.
I grew up in a much different NYC - park slope and - the village in the 1970’s. We walked to school alone- took the subway and buses alone. My brother and I traveled to Brooklyn from Manhattan to see our dad- alone. Once I left upset and took the subway home at 6 without my brother. We grew up very self sufficient and knew how to take care of ourselves. All the kids I grew up did this. We were integrated and we played in wa. Sq park: we navigated fine. Some creepy folks around but we were smart and aware.
After Etan Patz disappeared things changed. I was already walking or taking the subway to 8th ave - alone- to go to junior high in Chelsea- by that time .
Knowing how to navigate as a kid has given me so much, I have traveled the world alone. The first thing to to tell your kid is to never act like prey. Teach them to be Street smart:
I’m shocked by helicopter parenting. It is quite different for poor children than for wealthier children here in Philadelpia- (I suppose this is everywhere). Kids get picked up at the private schools in my black neighborhood where black children walk to school. As a note- The segregation is horrible: I hate it. I never grew up with racism or classism. Please consider this article when you wall off your kids.
I did not grow up wealthy, going to private schools. I suppose by today’s standards we were latchkey but at least we knew how to take care or ourselves when we had to.
15
I don't have children and the reason I am commenting is because I see so much of this attitude "that certain technology is bad for children", in particular cell phones with screens.
Millions of children have grown up to be normal adults, having used cell phones with screens throughout their childhood and early teens. I see it as a kind of Luddite thinking towards new technology , that will not be around in 20 years ...
9
My 11 year old uses a phone that can text and call. That's it. No mobile data. No wifi. No apps. I'm surprised the writer didn't research and do the same thing. Just because most of us survived just fine without phones growing up, doesn't mean our kids should grow up the same way. Should we take the same approach with seat belts? No.
19
I applaud the writer's refusal to buy into the hair-on-fire, your-child-is-going-to-die conventional parenting wisdom of the early 21st century, which is, I suspect, doing little more than keeping kids from maturing.
Now, on a separate point:
Re "... she and the babysitter were each waiting at a different Starbucks within a block of one another!"
Those words tell a tragic story of our times.
20
We live in San Antonio - not Manhattan - but we held out til my son was in 8th grade. (And his father and I are divorced so the argument for having a smart phone sooner rather than later for logistical purposes alone could've been made.) Our son hated us for it - "everyone else has a cell phone" - but the collective WE reaped the benefits, for sure. As a sophomore in high school, he still doesn't have Instagram or Facebook on his phone (tho he manages to check them every once in a while on a computer) and it was the best decision for us as a family. I'd be lying if I said he didn't have his head in his phone all the time now, but I feel so good about waiting.
5
We compromised and got a Gab phone for our 12-year-old. It allows for phone calls and texts, but you cannot send photos group chat or perform abs. It is a wonderful compromise the last for communication but not some of the downsides of other smart phones.
3
You have done a fabulous job in parenting. That’s the reason why your daughter didn’t panic and simply knew how to handle somewhat difficult situation.Thanks for your story.
I have managed without phone for 50 years. So were my parents and grandparents throughout their lives. Billions of others did the same six to seven decades ago.
I am still not comfortable with the smartphone. Most of the time I keep an ordinary phone while going outside. I am not comfortable using and even keeping the smartphone in the pocket.
For God sake, life doesn’t mean smartphone. Life is much beyond it. However I agree fully that there are some advantages if one has a smartphone. The biggest disadvantage is its addiction.
8
@Sivaram Pochiraju
I fear I would have never begun seriously painting as a teenager in today’s world.
One must get bored - one must have time away - one must do this for imagination to find a way.
10
Couldn’t agree more that the bravest thing you’ve done, really, was allow comments on this article. Parenting is hard enough without opening the door for others to judge you.
I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old. Like you, I’m no-way on the phone, sorry guys. Many people think they’re safe: I see a phone as a rabbit hole of trouble for a child. I teach my children (as you have) the skills to stay safe in the world by identifying safe paths through it: as many commenters have pointed out, the way I stayed safe as a child. How to get home. How to identify a safe adult. That not all strangers are scary, but some might be: someone who comes up to you might not be your best bet to talk to, but you can seek someone out, especially someone in a busy public place who’s working there to help people. Doorman? Perfect. That the world is a wonderful and safe place, with a few exceptions, not to freak you out. Dogs are awesome, but *ask if you can pet it. Ironically the social cues that tell you someone is safe are harder to read online: which is why children get in trouble there. My kids aren’t ready for the online world until they‘ve shown me all the IRL skills they need. Just like this kid did.
10
The bravest thing you've ever done is to allow comments on this essay. Your child is getting ready to manage her own life. Brava for that.
21
Just no. I'm glad you are getting her a flip phone. There is nothing wrong with giving your children the tools they need to succeed. Even the rest of you coal miners use flashlights instead of candles these days.
10
Children have ever been the victims of their parents’ pride of principle.
14
A kid with a phone is only as good as their ability to figure things out when their battery dies.
24
@Garden girl Like my story with my 11 year old see below. However, I must say that this story was long enough ago that at least she knew our home phone number when her phone died. Not sure if kids have memorized any phone numbers today.
3
Look I’m sorry you think you lost your kid. You didn’t. What you lost (but fully recovered by the time you wrote this piece) was a self-satisfied, overweening illusion of panopticonistic control over your child. Hyper-managed though she seems to be, sounds like your child has managed to become really quite competent. Manhattan circa 2020 is one of the safest large cities in the country so, your panic notwithstanding, the odds were never an issue. Instead, what is an issue is your believing that you were walking a razor’s edge in what was, in fact, a benign situation. Your kid doesn’t need a phone and you needn’t congratulate yourself for not giving her one. This is simply how a child becomes an adult but only if you let them, not you, own it.
15
@Ben McGowan
Wow- yes. We all survived in the 70s and 80’s in nyc.
Can a non wealthy - well off - upper class parent of a child in a wealthy city please comment.
Really- this is based on class- poor kids ride the subway to school. Still. Alone.
6
If there is technology that would increase your child's safety, why not use it? I doubt you would give up access to 911 or tornado sirens just so your daughter could practice her problem solving skills. To state the obvious, the fact that things went well in this case, and go well for most kids, doesn't mean we shouldn't try to reduce risk.
10
There is another lesson to learn from this story. Do not use Starbucks or similars for this purposes. Any humanly and locally owned joint would have worked better. The owner of a small café would have not left a small girl for long without asking wether she was waiting for someone or needed she any help.
5
Hmm, I hate it when people say things like this, but: all I could think of was "Fine and dandy for kids who are surrounded by swanky doorman-staffed buildings."
22
Yeah, but if my 11-year-old black son had gone in the lobby asking to use the phone, NYPD would surely have been called. No doubt in my mind. My son is only 10 and attends an expensive private school in Brooklyn, studies engineering and Mandarin, does not have a phone either, but I could NEVER put him in that situation. Less afraid of a kidnapper and more afraid of jittery adults with badges.
51
@McGuan what makes you think the child is not one of color?
4
@McGuan
Chill out.
Did you know anyone who grew up in nyc from a very different era.
And NYC now? It’s like Disney land.
2
I have a 12 year old who doesn't have a phone. I would say about 30 percent of her friends do not have phones. We do not live in a large city and parents often pick up their children from school and various activities. I think many parents in my area are delaying giving their children smart phones because they realize how distracting it can be. Personally I want my children to develop passions and hobbies and quite frankly after a full day of school, homework, and sports there's not a lot of time left over for family dinner conversations and the pursuit of personal hobbies.
7
We toyed with waiting to get the smartphones for similar reasons with two of our kids who are now 15 and 19. My oldest was begging and begging so she got a flip phone at around age 12 which was helpful but a waste of money because we quickly moved on to a smartphone. Her sister got a smart phone at age 11 upon entering middle school. They were definitely missing out on conversations with friends and I certainly was happy to be able to contact them if necessary. They’re both well-adjusted teens now and in hindsight, it’s a non-issue for me. I prefer to be able to contact my kids when necessary and the phones have saved us a lot of hassle and stress. We also have a family group chat where we share photos and funny things which keeps us closer in a way. If it was me, I would have had my child and the babysitter on a group text and the issue would have been resolved in minutes.
4
You do you.
I gave my kids phones at 11.... and I’m glad. I was able to teach them all kinds of phone etiquette while they were still young enough to want my opinion. At 17, they’re great kids.
2
People are talking about this mother teaching her kid to be self-reliant. Have we read the same story? All I read about was a kid having to rely on a lot of people and learning to deal with a micromanaging mother who wasn’t very precise with her instructions. The mother is talking about it as if her child had learned to navigate the train system and arrived home on her own.
16
You could give the kid a phone (with out the smart in it). When my kids were small I gave them one phone to share, when they were out and about. All the phone could do was - well: phone, and receive text messages. This way, when they were far off, they could phone home and say they were late, so that I didn't have to worry.
This allowed them to venture further and experience more in a somewhat safe manner. They have indeed become very independent as adults compared to other kids, they grew up with.
8
People can survive without a cellphone. However, I don’t understand why the writer believes it’s so important that her daughters don’t have one. Even though I believe kids should think for themselves and not always follow the rules of their social groups, being excluded like that is also not healthy. Extremes are not healthy.
8
Yes, children can survive without a phone. Most of the population reached adulthood without carrying a phone. My kids commute into the city everyday and they begged for a phone but I held out until they entered high school. I wanted them to learn to trust themselves and the community. I felt it was valuable lesson. Sure, there were anxious moments and mishaps but they now know that the world is generally a kind place and they can trust themselves, and the community.
4
I am glad your daughter ended up being safe and finding a way to call you, but the whole take-away from this is that you realized your daughter needs a phone. That seems like a very good thing to learn.
27
I'm not impressed. With the amount of gun violence in schools and every other place kid's go, I'd like to be able to check in.
5
Check in (pester) for what. A phone is not a bullet proof jacket. The chances of being a victim (shot) in a school shooting are all but zero. Driving your child to and from school is far more likely to result in injury and/or death.
2
I used to be a tween and a teen in New York City in the 1970s without a phone and I did just fine. Actually, me and every other tween and teen. I didn’t have helicopter parents. Thank God! Thanks, mom and dad!
13
But in a pinch you had pay phones.
7
Glad your child is okay. A flip phone will give you piece of mind. Phones with data are evil for teens! I didn't fully comprehend that I was putting a TV, movie studio, game console and so much more in my teens pocket and hands. Even with limits, it's a real addiction issue... on the bus to school, lunch time, etc. We waited until the summer before freshmen year to get him a phone with data (so no social media till then either). I wish we held out longer.
Parents with elementary school age kids, don't feel pressure to give in.
Good luck to all of us!
5
"I let my 11 year old play with matches alone and the house didn't burn down.
I drove after having 4 drinks and didn't get into an accident.
I told my 11 year old to walk alone in NYC with no immediate form of communication, and it turned out OK.
I'm awesome."
Somethings a not smart, even if you often get away with it. Eventually you won't. Don't pat yourself in the buck for being lucky.
My daughter just turned 13, and I know exactly where she is via iPhone/Watch location, and she can contact me from her wrist anytime. If she falls and don't get up, I get notified. She can hold a button on her watch and 911 and I will get called immediately.
That is 21st century parenting. Not the Luddite approach.
44
Just get a blackberry - you can find them secondhand on eBay. This will allow simple texting (not group texting) and phone calls. I am not a fan of smart phones in general, and especially for middle school kids. If only the phone companies made better alternatives...
6
Purse, phone, keys. What woman leaves home without them? I’m glad your daughter had the good sense to find a friendly doorman with a phone to help her locate the babysitter. But wouldn’t it have been MUCH simpler—and safer—if she could have resolved the problem with a phone? Why make life harder than it already is?
23
@MmmHmmm You missed the point. This isn't a woman. It's a child. This parent is choosing a path for her child that doesn't depend on mindless technology that's doing so much incredible damage to all of us, children included.
17
Please don’t forget that phones and phone plans cost money that not everyone has to spare.
15
There used to be phone booths everywhere. I agree that screen obsession is obnoxious but I think kids need phones in this age of no public phones.
24
I was out for a walk at dusk. I see a late teen, young man and as we pass we say hello. I lived nearby and was on my way home from my early evening walk. I was in a very safe town and decided to go out for a second walk after 10 PM. While on my second walk I pass the young man again. He says "didn't I see you before", I say yes and we chat for a moment. He tells me that he has had an argument with his mother and he does not want to go home. He asks if he can use my cell phone to call and apologize to his mother. I say yes. He apologizes, but soon they are arguing and he will not tell her where he is and he is not going home. He hangs up and gives me the phone. I can tell that our momentary connection has been positive for him. He has been thinking of suicide. When I saw him the first time it was not cold out, but now it was past 10 and cold enough for a jacket. He had only a shirt. I wished him well but, I was not sure what to do as he walked away. I decided to call the mother back and told her where we were. She instantly hung up and dialed 911. They came and gently talked him into going to the hospital for the night.
The connection to this story is that I was the stranger with the phone, and even though the child did not want to tell the mother where he was, I realized that I had the power to let her know. She knew what to do, and did not waste a second. The young man had stopped taking his medication that was necessary.
48
My children, now 32, 29 and 25 all had phones. The oldest got hers at about 13. The youngest at 9. Of course they were basic flip phones as smart phones did not exist. That all had several friends whose parents refused to buy them phones. Do know what was really annoying? The parents who refused to buy the phones had my kids numbers and called them to “check” on their kids. And they expected my kids to allow their kids to use the phone to call them if they needed to.
32
I applaud your efforts, but they were more likely undertaken, even unconsciously, to affirm yourself as a parent than to truly benefit your child. It is a different world than it was 25 years ago. Many angels flew alongside your child at many turns in this story. Why risk your greatest treasure?
42
@Diane Dolan Right! I don't understand this unnecessary risk of something as big as a life. I will never understand why this mother forewent such an easy and affordable way to safeguard the life she created just a little more when there are already so many things threatening that life.
7
Yeah, but by buying her the phone without a screen you gave into the inconvenience of her not having a phone that one time. There was no threat. She was safe all along. There was just some inconvenience on her and the babysitter looking for one another in the wrong Starbucks.
Most of your article was correct - there was no “Taken” threat and you taught her well to find help when needed. But then you ruined the story by buying a phone.
So is buying that technologically inferior phone (I give it a year tops..) motivated by your fear of what could have happened or by the convenience it will provide?
4
I really enjoyed this article.
My parents raised me and my 3 siblings in rural Wisconsin where we were free to roam the neighborhood on bikes and explore the forest. Usually we only had walkie-talkie radios for communicating with mom.
Looking back, I am so thankful they raised us this way, especially when I see how many helicopter parents there are. How exhausting.
You’ve done your children a great future service by trusting them with independence, and as a result I’m sure they will be very independent and self-sufficient people in the future!
14
Interesting comments!
Apparently everyone here grew up and /or raised their kids without cell phones ....but that was in the era when pay phones were everywhere. They no longer are.......
I read somewhere, don't know if its true, that 9/11 was what began the huge shift to everyone, children included, having cell phones......people panicked at the idea of a huge emergency and not being able to get in touch.
14
@RLiss
Interesting. as someone who lived in NYC during 9/11 (i could see the twin towers from my street), i can tell you that most new yorker's cell phones didn't work that great that day. the networks were overwhelmed by our panic to reach people we knew who worked in the financial district (more than just finance people, many non-profits are located in that area).
But as someone who only had a land line at the time, i did get an analogue flip phone (best reception ever on a cell phone) soon after. i guess i also set logic aside and panicked.
3
@Lu
I also was in NYC on 9/11. Part of the reason that no one could reach each other on cellphones is that there were many cell antennas on the top of the WTC. After the building collapsed, obviously the cell antennas no longer worked.
7
My 11 year old daughter attended summer camp in another part of town. On the last day of camp she got to bring her plant projects home. I work from home, and I get a phone call from her saying that she missed exiting at our bus stop.
I tried to explain to her how to get off a bus and cross the street to get the bus back in the other direction. She said that she would rather find a metro (she was more comfortable with the metro than with buses). I tried to argue with her but then her phone died.
I called my husband to tell him what happened and we agreed to wait and see how it would play out. At one point I got a phone call from her. She said that she was in the metro and a woman gave her money to make a phone call (she had been staring at her inadequate change in front of the payphone) and would be home soon.
Within the hour the doorbell rang and there she was, a potted plant in each hand, dragging a broken flipflop on one of her feet, and with the brightest proud smile.
15
One simple rule for a lost child is to tell her to stay where she is, as long as she is in a safe place. A child wandering the city, even with a phone, is not safer and can be harder to find, especially if the child is unable to describe exactly where she is.
A few years ago, we had the good fortunate to be able "rescue" a lost, crying child on the Ramblas in Barcelona, an area of the city not unlike a carnival midway with literally hundreds, perhaps a few thousand, people walking back and forth amid tourist shops and other stores. The little girl was obviously in distress so we told her just to stay with us, my wife and myself, right where she was and her parents would find her. In less than 20 minutes, they appeared and the family from Australia was reunited.
Phones create a false sense of security and promote the idea that you could be rescued anywhere. You could tell your child what to do on a phone but you might give the wrong advice especially since you wouldn't likely know exactly where she was and where to go. A phone is not magic.
While phones are useful in some situations, they can also cause confusion and misdirection.
10
It wasn’t until 7th grade my wife and I got our daughter a phone. At 12 years old she was mature enough to hold a job once a week and I was never going to let her have sleep overs without a phone.
I don’t like the remote parenting but the Screen Time feature on the i phone is much better than the user agreements I read on child monitoring apps. They read more like parent monitoring apps for data mining.
When we see her getting too deep into her phone or a teacher complains of her playing with it in class we take the phone away for a few days or a week.
The texting is controlled by taking the phone at bedtime. The phone stays plugged in the living room, not the bedroom.
No apps unrelated to school or education. Screentime blocks downloads without a password.
Check your kids’ texts and pics. They need to understand that if they want to be silly or offensive, which teens will do... they will have pics and videos put there forever.
But also let them know that no matter what mistakes they make... and they will make them... that we will always love them.
We can’t allow our smart phones to outsmart us. Dinner time and family play is a great time for the whole family to put their phones down and be a family.
13
Great ideas. Have been thinking how best to control these things
1
Up until ten or fewer years ago, this was normal life for everyone. How quickly society has changed.
12
It’s not so much the phone, it’s the Apps.
There are the good ones, the bad ones and the reasonable ones.
The good: Navigation. Once my flight from Germany to Holland was canceled. As the mob
of people rushed the front desk to get new flights, I just checked a travel app, went to the lounge and got a rerouted flight on a plane that was a few meters away which I would have missed if I had stayed in line with that disgruntled “mob” of people.
The bad: (I don’t even need to say it, but I will) too much social media! Too much of “my house, my boat, my car...my life is better than yours!”
The reasonable: Items like Duo or Facetime, cooking apps, math apps that show calculation steps, flash card apps, simple games that challenge creative thinking, etc.
If one delays the whole social media segment including those brain absorbing games designed to create waring nations, then starting independent kiddies off with a means to navigate and learn about technology is okay in my book.
4
Ah, the days of using the pay phone outside the locker room to make collect calls to our parents from “Come Pick Me Up.” (Which they would then refuse and subsequently get in the car.)
I think we owe it to kids to slow our starry-eyed roll off the technocliff and keep it feasible for them to avoid the smartphone demon.
11
@Mala :
ok, YOU are elected to go find all those pay phones in today's world.
9
I LOL’d when the author described Starbucks as the meeting point. I already knew what would happen next. When I moved to the city 20 years ago, a friend and I arranged to meet at the Starbucks in Union Square. Back then, and unbeknownst to us having both just moved to NYC, there were two Starbucks in Union Square. Luckily (for those days) we both had cell phones and I called hers. She kindly agreed to cut across the park from the southeast corner and meet me at my Starbucks on the northwest corner.
12
@Dabney L
the one of the northeast corner (it wasn't southeast, and the other was south west - you got your cardinal directions confused) was cuter. it reminded me of a starbucks designed by the swiss family robinson.
1
I never wanted a cell phone. I got one at last after a fender bender that made me two hours late to pick up children, two of mine, two others, at summer day camp. Everyone was mad at me for being unreachable -- the camp, my wife, the children, the other kids' parents, and that decided it. How to live with these devil's playthings is just something you have to work out in this day and age. But, if you can, they do help.
8
My cousin and I were just talking about how we were bullied in school and the one saving grace was knowing once you left school you no longer had to deal with it. Now bullying is 24/7 on social media. I applaud this mother. Yes pay phones are no longer all over but who on the street wouldn't allow a child to make a phone call on your own smartphone? How many of you with smartphones have even memorized the important numbers you'd need to call if your phone was lost? We're raising a generation taught to rely on technology rather than their own brains while subjecting them to possible daily harassment from those they know...don't worry about strangers.
29
So the author and sitter were communicating by cell phone but the author convinced herself that her child didn't merit that same basic tool, a tool that she herself couldn't be without. I don't see anything admirable in the author's choice. The child was put in a situation where she had to find a stranger and ask to use his phone. How is this somehow better than having her own phone?
71
@Jill Friedman If you don't know how, nothing I can say will help you understand. Sadly you missed the entire point of the article.
23
Actually, @Pat Owen, I don’t think Jill missed the point at all. She nailed it.
15
I just saw a kid today traveling alone on the Stockholm metro, no older than 11, with his eyes GLUED to the phone. He was playing some sort of game and never looked up once. He got off the same stop as me and kept his eyes on the phone while walking to the escalator.
Not sure how that can be perceived as safe, no matter how low the crime is here.
Kids get mugged, kidnapped, bitten by dogs, clipped by bicycles, and pushed into traffic in the safest of places. This can be prevented if they are aware of their surroundings.
23
I have not read the other comments but I gave my 11 year old my older Iphone. It has no internet on it. She can text & call. She doesn’t have Snapchat, TikTok, FB or Insta. So if she got lost in NYC, she couldn’t access Google Maps. But she could call me.
I’m growing weary of these articles about tweens who have no phones. Who cares?
I don’t post my 11 year old’s personal photos on FB or Insta anymore. The wonderful articles I read in the Times were how predators could have access to kids through games like Roblox etc or the other article about how pedophiles share images of children through the dark web. Now those are the articles everyone should read.
22
@Misha You can download a map of your area on your daughter's phone using wifi. Then she can open the map and use the built-in GPS to navigate offline. The only downside is you have to periodically refresh the map or it will expire.
10
Oh, good grief! This 11 yr old had the $$$ to order a drink in Starbucks, hang out, then go next door to ask a doorman to use the phone in a safe city in an apparently upscale neighborhood. This is not “lost.” She’s a child of privilege whose mother over -dramatizes. And she needs a babysitter? At 11? I was babysitting when I was 11 and walking to and from school and taking public transport. Honestly ... consider all the poor and working class kids who navigate much more complex daily lives without sitters and doormen and a comfortable seat at Starbucks.
64
@Alyce Miller what a strange reaction to this piece.
17
Not really. I totally agree. And I’m a parent of a now grown inner city youth. So, yes, this was a story replete with privilege and over-drama. If the whole family existed without cell phones, that would have been a much more interesting story.
25
@Alyce Miller I agree with Justin. Look for the message. Maybe if you try, you will get it.
4
Bravo! Excellent parenting IMHO and your kids will have skills and experiences that so many other children won’t. Why are people calling out “disrespect” for the babysitter? They’re paid to do what the family wants. In this case, it’s to pick up a child that doesn’t have a phone. End of story.
8
She’s 11 and doesn’t know how to take a cab and drive home?
2
@Me She actually knows how to ask for help. More impressive if you ask me.
12
@Me Cab drivers are not permitted to pick up lone children.
6
If you are going to allow her to walk the streets alone she should already have had a flip phone. Especially if you live in Brooklyn and her lesson was in Manhattan-where she does not know that many people. To me she might as well have been dropped at a random airport and told " Good luck, hon, you can do this."
And it would have been much better for the babysitter to meet her at the pool.
This is not sensible parenting. Your child was at risk.
I worked in probation and parole in several cities.I have done research and interviewed quite a few serious criminals-some who have murdered children. I have spoken with grieving parents. It's not just something that happens on T.V. and in the movies although I agree that those exaggerate the likelihood and prevalence.
I am a parent and a grandparent and teacher. I would not want a child that age to be loose without a phone. And I think that most people are aware of the possibility of Starbucks /which corner confusion. I'm just very glad to hear that she is O.K.
37
@Consuelo
you are overreacting. yes, there are bad people, there have always been bad people, but the solution isn't to coddle your children. the solution is to teach them what to do when potential danger is in sight. it is the child who hasn't been given critical thinking skills that is most in danger when a bad actor shows up.
I did not have a babysitter when i was growing up in the 80s, both my parents were hard working immigrants and trusted me to walk the two blocks from the bus to our apartment; they couldn't afford one anyway. one day, i was walking home and a man started following me - we were the only two people on the street. i quickened my pace, he did too. i turned a corner, he did too. i bolted, circled around the block to end up back near the busstop and ran to a school acquaintance's house nearby. i told their mom my parent's work numbers and waited for my parents till they could get there. was the guy following me? was it all in my head? who knows, but better safe than sorry. i was 7. i had been taught to seek safety with either friends or local businesses if i was at all unsure about my safety. there were no cell phones. i had important numbers memorized. Kids are not helpless, if they are given the proper tools.
11
@Consuelo We can tell you are from Texas. Believe it or not, we all don't live in fear. Some folks realize that phones don't save children. And guns don't make you safer.(I had to add that since you are from texas) Common sense please. Overprotecting a child leads to some really messed up adults. Plenty of articles to learn about that issue.
9
@Pat Owen
I don't have any guns.Just a big dog and perimeter lights. I don't even have a Ring. My children are all in their 30's now. They are very self sufficient and were pretty fearless actually-scuba divers, horseback riders, driving in bad conditions very competently. They've all been wilderness camping, mountain biking, deep sea fishing. My son has had 3 successful arguments before the Supreme Court and I have a daughter who is an ICU nurse and helps save lives when moments count. Nerves of steel, that one. But I protected them when they were little. In evolutionary terms often the difference between survival and not was often an alert, competent parent. And in regard to my son: one of his teachers told me when he was small: " Children, especially boys, who do so well on the gifted and talented exam seldom exhibit the degree of common sense that we observe in your son." He was 6. I have common sense as well. New York is not that safe. Try it at 2 a.m. on a dark street with no phone and on foot. Just because your, possibly privileged, beaten path is safe does not make it safe for all comers. I worked in the courts when I lived there. Plenty of predators. You are just lucky not to have to know that I guess. But thanks for your concern about how my children may have turned out.
8
The tale of a super-mom, handling every detail of her children's lives but neglects to specify Starbucks' location. Suspense and a happy ending. The story brims with affluence, this is not an ordinary family. Therefore, an inexpensive flip phone shouldn't be a hardship. It seems essential if children are to be out of their parents' sight in Manhattan.
19
@blgreenie no one mentioned hardship. Nothing is sadder than seeing children with their faces stuck to a phone. Nothing is more dangerous than seeing children with their faces stuck to a phone when they cross the street or ride their bakes. Nothing is more disturbing that to see a gaggle of teens sitting together with their face stuck to phones. I am sure you could add a few to list.
15
At 11 yo, I would have walked home, made myself dinner, and put myself to bed. Children from less affluence families learn to manage their own time and activities - our parents are working and they can't afford sitters.
23
@JJ You don't know what you are talking about. The family lives in Brooklyn, the child's lesson was in Manhattan. This is not a walkable distance.
5
@JJ Pretty hard to walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn.
3
@Moira Rogow
agreed. the last time i did it there was a blackout in nyc. it took me about 4 hours. (it was really hot, i walked slowly)
3
Could have saved that step by going directly to the flip phone. I get it about smart phones, but I wouldn't rely too much on the kindness of strangers, sometimes, there just may not be any around.
17
@realist In NYC there’s always someone friendly able to help.
2
@Brooklyn Dog Geek Someone “friendly”...you hope!
6
I'm so surprised that no one is commenting on the fact that this child's lack of a communication device wasted the time of the sitter and probably made her uncomfortable while she thought the kid was lost. That isn't very respectful.
Treat the staff well and get the kid a simple flip phone.
And then learn enough about technology to understand the options out there for safety and common courtesy.
32
I grew up in NYC. At 11, I was getting myself to/from school and activities myself, using public transit. So... maybe that's the next step? (And for everyone about to write "But life was safe then!" no, it wasn't--which you'd know if you'd live in NYC in the 70s.
41
Yep. Somehow we managed. Though I will say that because I was unsheltered teen in NYC in the late 70s I was exposed to some things I'd rather my nieces not see.
10
@Ana That was NYC in the 70's.
3
This author is totally ignoring the fact that pre-cellphones, payphones were everywhere. When I was a kid in the 90s, if I got lost or needed a ride or anything else I could find a payphone and call home collect if I didn't have change. It's been almost a hundred years since kids have totally lacked the ability to call their parents in an emergency. Kids might not need smartphones, but they definitely need a way to contact a caregiver in a situation like this. Refusing to give them one out of some misguided sense of moral superiority is selfish and ridiculous.
53
The sitter should have been instructed to pick up daughter at pool
21
Exactly! Why she chose a Starbucks 2 blocks away? She could have just had the sitter pick up at pool where she could have waited safely and avoided all the stress it caused!
12
Why would you need to "shop" for a flip phone. Any how many people live in neighborhoods with doormen. It sounds all very quaint.
7
@Suzy Doormen and concierges make a building more desirable. Not so in Ohio? How quaint
12
This kid wasn't lost at all. She was sitting calmly in a coffee shop, in one of the safest cities in the world, for less than an hour. Why does an 11-year-old need a babysitter, anyway? Are you planning on hiring an au pair to go to college with her?
41
@Bonnie you win the comments award!
7
@Bonnie
Have you ever been in an emergency room? The process of getting the ten year-old's arm set could have taken hours; without the babysitter to take her to a friend's house for entertainment and overnight care, the eleven year old could have been sitting in the coffee shop for hours and well into the night. Is that a safe plan in New Orleans? It definitely isn't in NYC.
12
@Bonnie The article clearly states it's the classmate's babysitter who is asked to pick up the author's daughter.
4
Well it seems like the NYTimes publishes these pieces purely so a few hundred people can get their daily hit of self-righteous indignation (that feeling of superiority is rewarded with a dopamine hit) at the expense of someone they don't even know. The sanctimoniousness and judgmental "meh meh meh" is kind of mind blowing. I honestly don't understand why writers and journalists even bother trying to communicate anything with people anymore since people willfully twist their words and intentions or worse yet can't even understand them through the haze of their biases.
The second most recommended comment is this:
"Any consideration for the babysitter trying to help? Not only was she inconvenienced at least an extra 45 minutes but she had to deal with the stress and anxiety of not knowing where the kid was for which she was now responsible. So the author gets to feel superior at the expense of others."
Give me. A break.
(And by the way I was a nanny/babysitter for years in my youth, including in NYC, so it's not like I don't know the job. Stuff happens, they always apologize, and I got lots of nice gifts for mishaps like this. I'm sure the writer was more than grateful, and didn't think she needed to spell it out for everyone in the article.)
29
Kudos Mom! Stick to your instincts!
You are training your kids to be resourceful, independent and not to conform under peer pressure.
You are also saving your daughters from a bombardment of unwarranted judgmental feedback, hyper commercialism and wasted hours of meaningless screen time.
History will look back on these years and wonder why we exposed our children to so much manufactured garbage and pretend social interactions under such a false sense of security.
26
Unfortunately it looks like Mom is getting unwarranted judgmental feedback in some of these comments!
5
Well, I'm relieved you're getting flip phones for them. Yes, I know times are different now. I wore clogs as a teenager - because the wooden soles made them weapons. I had a special rock at the bottom of the driveway which I carried when I went for walks. I had men try to drag me into cars several times. I had men expose themselves. I learned to gauge who could help me and who to avoid as I navigated a smaller city than New York. My lessons were no help to my nine year old nephew. He would have been in his late forties now. A phone is a tool, as much as those clogs and rocks were, and possibly more effective too.
22
Kudos to Micaéla Birmingham. My sister and I grew up in Manhattan, and we learned to get around, take subways, etc., all without a smart phone, or any kind of phone. We amused ourselves by visiting parks, libraries, and museums. Children do not need smart phones.
15
It is possible to be safe without a smartphone. I think as a society we have been duped into a false sense of security where smartphones are concerned. I grew up in the 80s/90s without a cellphone. When we needed a ride we figured out how to call our parents or family member, we knew what time we had be home and we showed up. No one needed to constantly monitor us. We are robbing kids of learning
To be resourceful and resilient by popping a screen in front of them that “ has all the answers”. The media will have us believe that times are more dangerous but there has always been danger. I also would contend that cellphones have made us less safe with the ability to be hacked and monitored 24 hours a day.
18
Dear parent:
My concern is that your philosophy regarding smart phones for your children is a deeper issue. And it seems upon reading this article that you may be displacing a personal issue you have with phones and your kids and optimal communication between you and them. This part concerns me.
18
@Jt This. While I agree that her kid was able to try out some skill that today's kids are clueless on, such as being observant of their surroundings and using their wits to solve a very very simple problem that today's parents often reclassify as an emergency, the reality is that her kids are likely the only ones being treated like children from another century, which isn't exactly admirable. Just show your kids you believe in them and get them a darn phone.
3
Millions of children survived without a smartphone for centuries and my sibling and I did similar.
When I was 3, I was lost at a busy market in SE Asia near a bus terminal no less. One minute I was next to my mom; the next minute, I was off distracted by something else. My mom frantically searched for me but things turned out OK. She had taught me my name and address as young as possible, which I then recited to a police officer.
By the time we were 8-9 years old, we use to take the bus regularly around Seattle to get to our swim lessons, visit friends, run errands, etc. regularly. It was no biggie. The rule was you always had some cash on hand in case you needed to telephone, buy a snack, take the bus, etc. We also had not only our parent's numbers but those of 2 of our parent's close friends.
At 10-11, we'd visit foreign places with our parents and they would tell us where to meet up in ah hour. They trusted we were savvy enough to avoid trouble and we were.
13
@ms :
but you could use a pay phone, right? Where are all the pay phones now?
2
@RLiss
a payphone at 3? don't think they could reach. they used their common sense, even at the very tiny age of 3.
1
You really nailed it with your observation about your daughter being aware of her surroundings. Good for her! Eyes glued to phone fail to notice and evaluate encroaching danger. Since things can happen in nano-seconds, people need to use all the antenna they have.
10
In recent months, the once peaceful walk from our home to my son’s school in Park Slope has become unpredictably hairy, and I often can’t escort him as part of a two working parent household with a tween and preschooler. Has anyone else tried to find a nanny who will work just 5 hours a week to escort a kid to school? You’re more likely to win the lottery. In the mile long, straight shot walk to his school he passes through poorly managed construction sites, newly opened methadone clinics and a dozen hotels secretly operating as homeless shelters. The bus is great, if you’re willing to let the MTA have a part in your child’s timely arrival to school. Kudos to you, but some of us don’t have the option of going “phone free” with our kids, even if it would be our ideal. NYC is an amazing community where we all look out for each other, but it’s not Mayberry.
11
@AT Barnes Maybe look for a 'granny' rather than a nanny.
4
Many of us cannot just conjure up a granny. No one wants to work for just a few hours a week.
1
I'm an adult and don't have a smartphone - for various reasons. I find that not having one makes my communications about appointments much more precise and careful. Yes, smartphones have their uses but real communication is good too.
8
@Alison Huh? Communications about appointments much more precise and careful? I'm not married to my phone like most, but at my age I find it helps greatly in having appointment information available and handy. I have no idea what you mean. Can you explain a little?
5
@Alison
Really? Because I can look at my phone and see precisely what someone communicated to me and don't have to depend on my memory or writing something someone told me. It's still there. And a huge time saver. But not for you.
2
@Alison I think what you may be getting at (and I'd agree) is that....without a smart phone, and the ability to text people to say 'sorry, I'm running a bit late' or 'can I reschedule my appointment to another hour out?'), it forces us to not only be on time, but to add in enough of a time cushion to make up for any delays in travel.
But now, most people with smartphones 'know' that it's ok to be late, because they can inform the other parties of their lateness, via their phones...
7
I'm not going to repeat what others said, but both my kids (16 & 12) have smartphones. We don't have a landline phone, so cell phones are a must. My wife and I require our daughter to text us when she gets to and from school. Since I'm at work, I don't want a call, so texting is perfect. When she forgets to text me, I text her to make sure she's home. If something did happen, timing is everything. I take my son to school and when he comes home by himself- same rules for him and they both have trackers on. Don't get me wrong, kids having smartphones have their issues, but peace of mind is priceless.
19
I"m really glad her daughter is ok. And. This story completely excludes LUCK from the outcome. The fact that her child was fine in this instance is less about her parenting skills or her child's confidence and judgment than it is that her child ran into the right adults. All of which begs the question- for those children who have the bad luck of running into the wrong adults, the doorman who shoos a child away from a high-end building, etc. and end up injured and worse, would we be condemning this person's parenting choices? This child's skillset would look inadequate. Very simply, Ms. Birmingham, you got lucky.
24
@MrsWhit Sort of agree. But that means the millions upon millions of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s (and even, a little bit, the 90s) also "got lucky" since the majority of us got home safely on our own, or had others who helped us. Our dependency on cell phones - and it is a dependency mostly manufactured by the companies who make the phones, apps, and games - us what causes most of us to think we're "lucky" when we actually are just being...normal.
14
@MrsWhit yeah that's not how probability works. 99.9% of adults are good caring people. If a kid in this situation understands to seek out the right adult instead of letting an adult seek him out, there is no appreciable danger. Saying luck in this situation is like saying you were lucky you didn't crash on the way to work. It is kind of true.
11
@MrsWhit Yes. What if her kid is a minority and runs into a bigoted or lazy doorman? Luck was a major component in keeping her kid safe.
10
Imagine....
3
I can't wait for the next column from the author when she describes how she got the times at the dentist mixed up.
8
Self righteous and horrible parenting. I would never roll the dice with my children. This article could’ve been about a young child being and snatched up by a sexual predator.
17
@Denee’ Hi - She didn't "roll the dice." Please point to the empirical evidence that shows children will get home safter with a phone. You can't, because there is no such evidence. Your parental judgement goes a very long way toward showing how you most likely judge in general.
13
WHAT “sexual predator?” All those scary stories from the 80’s proved to be false. Children are more likely to be preyed upon by people they know, not snatched off the streets.
13
@Mom Of 3 :
but c'mon, sexual predators DO exist though not in the numbers movie and TV would have anyone believe.
Not ALL of the '80's stories turned out to be false. Read: Bringing Adam Home: The Abduction That Changed America
by Les Standiford and Joe Matthews or:
I Know My First Name Is Steven
by Mike Echols
There are pedophiles who choose to prey on kids, in every town and city. I live near Jacksonville, FL, see: http://carolynhennecy.com/sexual-abuse/2013/child-sexual-abuse-charish-periwinkle-murder/ This 8 year old was raped and murdered by a pedophile who had been out of prison for two weeks at the time.
1
This dilemma is not new and resources do exist to support those parents facing it. "Wait until 8th," is one of them.
https://www.waituntil8th.org/
5
I guess my question is, why does caution of smart phones mean she can't have a phone at all? Just a little prepaid flip phone for emergencies gives you a direct line to your kid, without having to worry about them getting sucked in by screens.
17
We moved from the US to peaceful NZ 25 years ago, when our older sons were 12 and 14. They started at a boys' high school and joined the cycling team. This sport required hours of practice and road cycling, sometimes with team-mates but often alone. Occasionally, stuck in the wop-wops with a flat tyre, no extra tube or tyre in their back pocket, they would call us for a lift home. The oldest boy called us once from a pay phone -- he'd walked with his bike to a petrol station. Relief. This is a justified use for a cell phone, and I am glad we got phones for after that, for their years of training and yes, for them to use socially. Now, when their younger, Kiwi-born brother calls on his phone, I know to respond: he needs a lift, or has a bad headache (he gets them), or would rather not be at that party... or he'll navigate in the passenger seat for his mother who is not so good with maps! Of course you want to build resilience and independence, and quick thinking in your kids. But think about these experiences, too, as you decide about good uses for phones for them. Make some rules...
4
Good story. Only thing I noticed is that age 10 and 11 is fifth grade not sixth, as stated.
11 is 6th grade
2
@Violette : Actually, if the cutoff for kindergarten entrance is years old by August 31 (or something similar), then an entering 6th grader would be 11 and an entering 5th grader would be 10.
If the girls have summer birthdays, they'd still be 10 and 11 at the end of 5th and 6th grade, respectively.
If the girls have birthdays during the school year, then at some point, the 5th grader would turn 11 and the 6th grader would turn 12.
2
"My 11-year-old hasn't used a seat belt in her whole entire life and survived". Same exact type of anecdotal evidence in support of whatever point you want to make.
It's called survivor bias, Ms Birmingham. And if you were so convinced you had done the right thing, you would not be shopping for a phone now (screen-free or otherwise). So what is your point?
36
Except there generations of humans surviving adolescence without smart phones. They are not necessary. And I'll note crime rates are waaay lower than when I was this girl's age, so I'm even less concerned.
10
@Maria
generations of humans survived childhood without vaccination, literacy, seat belts, or indoor plumbing. This shouldn't discourage parents to take advantage of modern advances in technology.
18
@ Steve
More to your point, generations of children did not survive without these things. For most of human existence high childhood mortality was the norm.
15
All these self-satisfied folks pointing out that they survived the mean streets of Manhattan without a phone as a kid--well so did I. Difference is, there were payphones on every block. Get the kid a flip phone.
50
@R Ess
Has anyone mentioned the disappearance of working pay phones on the streets of NYC?
4
Good thing everybody else had a phone.
And congratulations for rethinking the issue.
8
I applaud you! I know how tough this decision is...to not give your children their own phones. Instead of spoiling your kids.... instead of allowing their brains to be corrupted with constant, petty intrusions and distractions, you have taught them to look at the world around them...to engage with others....and ...to use their own brains.
With phones, we no longer have to remember phone numbers. We no longer have to have a sense of direction (we just use Google Maps...). You have also taught your daughter resourcefulness and maturity. She is learning how to fend for herself, to problem-solve, to take calculated risks.
Those who suggest you are 'putting your child in danger' are just parents trying to rationalize their own decisions to give their kids phones. Probably the same types of parents who don't let their kids walk the ten blocks home from school, or to ride the bus. Instead, the parents all line up, double-parked in their big SUVs outside the school, to pick up their precious little charges.
24
I'm happy it all ended well and that your daughter is resourceful and reliable, but a smartphone would have made this a lot easier. You could have located her, called her and kept in touch during all of this.
There are many ways today to keep screen time down to responsible amounts and shield kids from social media evil.
9
You are to be praised for raising your girls to be self-sufficient, brave and resourceful, characteristics missing from so many people twice or three times their age, missing because of their absorption with and reliance upon their phones. Our city, our subways, our streets sometime seem more filled with zombies than fellow citizens. Bravo to you for helping your daughters buck that trend.
19
All kids are awesome. "Starbucks" hardly coffee.
4
I raised my fearless children in Atlanta. They learned to take Marta everywhere. I paid off during the Olympics and a bomb went off. My son knew how to manage getting home on Marta. No cell phones. I know how scared you were, but we are raising or raised self confident, independent kids.
9
@Sarah My kids, too, took MARTA everywhere when they were just pre-teen. Many of our friends considered us awful parents for allowing it, but they were the ones who thought anyone using public transit would be mugged, robbed, or worse. Funny, those same adults would still rather pay $30 to park downtown Atlanta than take MARTA.
4
You do not see how it could have backfired. You imagine how it might have because you have been conditioned by media to fear based thinking.
You are right and your kid is doing well because of it. Flip phones can still text.
4
We make use of new technologies as good as we can. Not getting kids, even very young ones, a cellphone is just stupid anti-technology behavior. All parents know what a juggling act it is to make sure that your school going kids are on the bus, at rehearsals, training etc. Your kids having cellphones make life much easier and more relaxed. Yes, this comes at a price, but imho, that's worth it and frankly speaking I think this station has passed a long time ago.
9
Thank you! Your child is well on her way to being a self reliant woman. You must have modeled this behavior for your girl and she learned the lesson. I am happy for both of you.
14
Great story, but why would you scare the daylights out of your daughters with a Taken marathon?
10
@Kilroy71 : The author mentions watching Taken herself. I didn't see anywhere where she said she watched it with her daughters.
@Rose
In the last sentence of the article the author wrote:
"I’m also planning to sit both girls down for a “Taken” movie marathon for good measure."
5
@Observer :
I assume she was joking.
2
Sounds like your kids are sensible and understand the restrictions. Given that, I think they should be allowed to carry a cell phone only to be used in an emergency. They would, I’m sure, comply with your conditions and would, perhaps, feel more secure knowing that they can contact you or a responsible adult should the need arise.
3
This is a nice story, but as a fellow parent with several kids in the "tween" age group, there's more than just screen time to consider: there's also the issue of teaching kids to be independent.
The author says that she needs to handle logistics. My wife and I take a different approach: we live in Brooklyn, but the kids have activities in Manhattan almost every day. The kids now navigate to their activities wholly on their own, navigating trains, buses, and sidewalks during daylight (we always pick kids up when it's dark). We know that the kids feel empowered because they love to talk about their independence. They have phones to call when problem pop up (e.g. a train is not running properly). They also have phones so as to be able to communicate with their friends. when I was a kid, I used the home phone. Now few people we know have a home phone.
Phones are tools. Kids can be taught to use them wisely or not. Just like any other tool.
18
Bravo for reminding us that the vast majority of kids, esp those of middle class, never come to harm from strangers. We only hear about the few who do, which skews our perception. Clearly, knowledge and confidence are power. After all, what might happen if you rely on a cell phone and it breaks or gets lost?
10
My dad took the Long Island Railroad by himself from Garden City to Brooklyn Tech from the time he was 13. This was before mobile phones, of course. He remembers this as a time when he developed a strong sense of personal responsibility and self-reliance. I also had lots of independence as a child growing up in suburban LA, and am grateful for it to this day. “Be home by dark” was the main instruction. It’s good to see parents thinking about these values and sharing their experience with others.
10
I got lost in Houston in 1979 when I was 11. I got on the wrong school bus after we moved to a new house, didn't say anything to the bus driver and got off on the last stop in tears. Ended up going into a store and a woman drove me home - I didn't even know my house number just the street name so she drove down the street till I recognized the house. Obviously no cell phones and I probably had no idea where my parents worked (they both had new jobs). On one hand good job on me finding help, on the other could have ended up with an adverse story. I think the lesson here is what the author said - we need to equip our kids with the people/personal tools to deal with adverse events - how to get help, and also giving them a list of emergency contacts, addresses in advance so they can help them selves. Technology may be one part of this too, but not the only part.
11
While I appreciate the author’s perspective I can’t truly endorse her reasoning. Owning a smartphone doesn’t mean the child would have been unable to solve the dilemma of being in the wrong Starbucks. She would have found the solution but without a lot less stress and uncertainty for both herself and her mother. Smartphones don’t render people helpless, rather, I think, she would have looked at the locations of the other Starbucks in the vicinity and realized that she was probably in the wrong one. Quick solution. And mom could have focused on her injured daughter in the ER. Yes, it all went smoothly anyways. But it could have just as easily gone wrong. Why not use the tools available to us in this time and day?
17
Oh for heavens sake. Get your girls a pre-paid old fashioned flip phone with instructions to only use it for emergencies. My daughter felt much as you do about young children and smart phones (and I agree!) but when he went to a sports camp in Maine (1000 miles from home at age 12, and would be flying home alone, she got him a simple phone,
Thank goodness she did as the camp coach dropped the child at the airport, airline would not allow him to go the the gate and board without an adult with him, coach had forgotten his cell phone and was unreachable and the airline would not allow the child to use their phone.
It’s a safety issue and not an all or nothing thing. Get simple phones for your girls. They will still learn to make good choices and problem solve, but in a bit safer way.
15
@India We had the same issue with our 13 year old. She flew solo from NY to San Antonio with a stop in Atlanta on an airline that didn't require companions for that age. The plane came in late from NY and they closed the gate (huge airport, long walk to gate which she navigated beautifully by herself) before she could board the connecting flight, even though they knew she was coming from the delayed plane. They wanted to put her on the next flight on a different airline that required a companion. She called us on her smartphone at the airline service desk and we talked her and the airline officials through getting her on the flight. We had to pay extra for a companion even though she flew solo on the first leg. She also called the person waiting for her in San Antonio to notify them. She could have done all this with a flip phone, but she was able to look up flights on other airlines while negotiating with the airline officials.
2
I grew up IN NYC long before cell phones.
My mom had a contingency plan in the event we were separated on the train.
If I got on without her, get off next stop and wait on platform. She would be on next train.
If she got on without me same plan only reverse.
Children of that also had emergency subway token and had dimes in penny loafers to make a phone call.
8
@CEF
Different times!
2
@CEF :
yeah, but just FIND me a pay phone now!
1
yes! my fam had the same subway separation plan!
I don't have children but whenever I'm supervising my young niece and nephew I always give them an "if we get seperated" plan-- even though they also have phones.
I grew up in nyc in late 80s / early 90s and only after reading these MANY comments I suppose I too should be proud that I survived on subway tokens, quarters, and emergency cab fare.
but I also can't imagine in 2020 excitedly choosing not to eqip our most loved and vulnerable w basic safety tools like phones????
While I applaud the 11-year-old for staying calm and finding a way home, I could not help but think of my clients who are poor and mostly people of color. The story would have ended differently for them. Someone would have called Child Protective Services, the parents would have been investigated for neglect and the child placed in Foster Care. I understand being a single parent both with and without a partner. I understand emergencies arise because my spouse was deployed to the mid-east when one child had a neurosurgical emergency and I had to call in multiple favors to cover my other child's activities. But times are different and low-income parents are treated differently. I wish they weren't.
83
@Emily Kaufmann Thanks for this important point.
7
Awesome Story I am going to read it to my 2 children 10 and 7 and they each want a phone and our answer remains the same NO! I live with a landline- and have install outdoor cameras I see them outside and they call me inside. The rest is just communicating to our children that we were Born to STAND OUT !
7
Thank you for speaking up for self-reliance and independence, and for putting that goal into practice.
My own childhood pre-dated cell phones by decades. My parents gave me a long leash and it laid a foundation that has served me well all my life. I learned early that I could solve problems and look out for myself.
At the other extreme, I have friends who were so fearful and protective of their child that she grew up dependent and afraid of everything. She still lives with Mommy and Daddy in her 30s. Such a waste of a life. There needs to be a balance between safety and independence.
22
The premise for this story is hilarious. In 1962, at age 11, I started JHS using public transportation to get to school. No "phones", just a bus pass. Thus , my parents signed off on my ability to use the subway to get to Yankee Stadium ( we lived in the Bronx) and to go "downtown" to ice skate at Wollman Rink in Central Park and the NY Public Library. Within a year, I knew the entire subway system. It's called survival. But, we had something else as a fail safe. It was a dime on your pocket to use the phone booth that was on every other street corner. I wish your kids could experience what I did. They'd be better for it one day.
18
Not sure why everyone seems to think this is so wonderful. You caused unneeded stress for yourself, your child, the doorman, and the sitter because you somehow don't think current technology should be appropriately used. You were lucky in this situation that things worked out; next time might be different. Back in the day (I grew up in the 70's) I bet our mothers would have given anything for a way to reach and be reached by their children at times like these.
36
@Mary Right? This story is fine and everything but had the kid had a cell phone it would have just been a group text to the babysitter and mom to quickly resolve things
6
Bravo! What a nice glimmer of hope and light in this dark and gloomy world. Thank you!
9
My phoneless 12 year old got lost in Paris, France. He does not speak French. Within 20 minutes I received a phone call at my hotel stating that he was in the "custody" of a Metro attendant about a quarter mile away from where he went missing. He knew what to do: he went to a place he knew (the Metro) and managed to communicate with a person in a uniform and gave them the name of our hotel where, obviously, the front desk solved the language problem. The phone is a really useful tool, but it's not a substitute for knowing how to handle yourself in a situation we all face sometime in our lives: being lost.
35
I grew up in Brooklyn long before the advent of cell phones. (What happened to pay phones) I don't know if my parents knew I was wandering around alone at age 8, but that is how I learned to get around the City. I remeber being on Atlantic Avenue below Brooklyn Heights and seeking a drunk stumble into traffic and almost get hit. The driver got out screaming, and threw the drunk to the pavement, who staggered away leaving a string of travel brochures. I once found a dime and took the Myrtle Avenue El alone from downtown Brooklyn to the end of the line and back. I survived. I taught my son how to get around the city by subway without a cell phone when he was 15, and he taught all his friends how to get around the City. Ahh-the Good Old Days.
21
@Oliver Hull
You'd think all of human history did not exist and we were all shut ins prior to the invention of the smart phone.
4
I love this article so much. My 16-year-old daughter finally built up the confidence to navigate the streets of NYC. The problem is her phone is a few years old so her battery almost always dies on the way home. Well, it's more a problem for me because like any parent, an unreachable child will trigger thoughts of the worst possible scenarios. But within an hour or so, she walks through the front door, calm and unscathed.
I'm glad she has the confidence want to explore a crowded city. I just have to keep reminding myself that for most of history, there were no phones, at all, to communicate with parents. And those kids just had to figure it out for themselves. Sometimes alone and in the dark. Sometimes, that's how they learn.
11
This exact sort of thing happened to me a number of times as a tween in NYC, ultimately leading to getting a flip phone at the age of 14. But that was after years of incident-free navigation of NYC as a child and tween. Kids and tweens are not dumb and are quite capable of navigating and of seeking help when needed. (We have subway maps, signage, MTA agents, cops, and doorpersons for a reason!)
9
I was a nanny to 3 kids in Manhattan about a decade ago and their parents thought them how to navigate their daily lives without fone, and yes part of it where to go to ask for help if needed! One of them , a boy of 10yo got separated from his dad while biking in Central Park and used one of the tips he got from his parents to locate his dad. It was useful! And I think not having smart fone makes one more alerted of his /her surrounding ! Smart fone just came to our lives not long ago! How did you survive then ?
13
My son is 13. He loves screens and video games. He does not have a smartphone. He does not ask for one. He feels no need for one. He navigates technology better than me regardless.
They are unnecessary.
16
I love this! My 16-year-old daughter has grown up in NYC without ever having a phone, smart or not. This has been her choice: She sees how greatly the disadvantages of cell phones outweigh their advantages. She understands that safety (as parents tend to think about this term) comes from knowing to whom to turn for assistance if that is ever needed, not from relying on one’s phone. (Granted, this is much easier in a city teeming with people and shops and where teenagers generally aren’t driving.) She can text with her friends via her laptop, which automatically places some limits around the frequency of such communications. It is very heartening to read of other kids who are thriving without phones!
20
I love this! I held off getting a smart phone for my oldest who just got one at 13. 2 very important principles of parenting are at stake here. First, I find myself recalibrating risk each day that my kids get older and more independent. If we keep our kids tethered via technology until they leave home, how do we deal with their independence all at once? Second, there is something healthy and beautiful about being forced to interact with people and depend on the kindness of strangers. I want my kids to have a taste of that as they become people in the world.
13
I have an 8-year-old son and wanted to use an extra iPhone 6 I had lying around as a location tracker because the late bus can take two different routes that get my son to his bus stop at wildly different times (I waited an hour once). I spent the time to pretty much disable everything on the phone except the ability to make a phone call to contacts I’ve entered and share my son’s location. Now the phone sits in my son’s backpack and I know where he is. He can call me, too. He can’t do anything else with the phone. I’m aware of the desire to delay giving kids phones and generally agree. So my son won’t be able to do anything with a phone for quite a while. But in the meantime we appreciate the ability for our son to be in contact with us if he needs to and for us to know where he is when it is helpful. The phone lasts the entire week in his backpack, and we are happy with how this has worked.
15
My relative got a bracelet like device for his son. The device takes a sim card and is capable of doing some basic functions like text message and call, as well as allowing the parents to track location of the device. It doesn't have any other functions. That's something parents could all consider.
9
Thank you for this story. This is the exact kind of content that is missing in most discussions of kids and smart phones. I am a new parent who hopes to delay the introduction of smart phones as long as possible. I find that when I try to learn--if only out of curiosity at this point--about how older kids navigate the day to day without smart phones, all I encounter are useless meditations from parents about how much more connected, curious, observant, intelligent, healthy, attractive, tall, etc their analog kids are. I hope to minimize smart phone reliance not for the gold star but because it seems like the right thing to do--this article helps to show how it's possible.
14
@Ellen : No one dispenses gold stars for minimizing smartphone reliance in their kids. It's all up to the personal judgement of the parents.
Bear in mind that this generation of kids doesn’t often know how to even use a landline. I kid you not. They may know your home or cell number by heart but I learned the hard way that they are thrown off by the dial tone and don’t know that you’re supposed to dial 1 before the area code. It’s easy to assume they know these things...but honestly, given that many families have no landline anymore and every call made these days is on a cell, most don’t.
11
@agj
The younger generations of kids don't need to know how to use a landline because landlines themselves are an ancient and near-obsolete technology. I wouldn't expect a Gen X-er to know how to use a typewriter, because they are obsolete and have been replaced with faster, better, more efficient technology. Today's smartphones can do everything a landline can and more - the only question is, do smartphones NEED do to more?
6
Gen X was born 1965-1980. Believe me, we learned to type on Smith-Coronas.
And one of the most popular items in the Museum of East Germany in Berlin is a typewriter! Children are amazed that the letters appear instantly on the paper thanks to the type bar hitting the ribbon.
12
@Bryce : Gen-Xer here. I learned to type on a manual typewriter in 1985 (sophomore in high school). By my senior year, I had an electric typewriter at home, and by the fall of 1988 (when I started college), I started using a friend's computer to write long papers. By the early 1990s, many colleges started having "computer labs" for their students.
Change happened pretty fast!
8
The decline of the pay phone ( I always used to keep change in a hidden location in case of emergency) and the new millennium has forced us to "keep up" and provide our children with cellphones; a necessary and not bad evil. The real evil is the over abundance of social media and access to the internet; what we need is to instill in our families is not a fear of of cellphones and mobile devices but a better "diet of the senses" whereas we don't need to be plugged into and connected to everything all the time!
5
Good for you. We've all become so ultra-paranoid about our kids' safety, we can't imagine them without phones. But they're fine without them.
No pay phones around these days, sure. But there are a dozen cell phones in the hands of people at every street corner.
I got phones for my kids at the same time everyone else did -- too early -- and they stunted their overall growth as young people, just like most other kids. Not saying my kids aren't great young adults -- they simply would have been better off had we waited longer until we got them phones.
And the idea of getting them phones and "setting limits," emergencies only? Yeah, good luck with that.
13
@Rich just curious why you think that the phone "stunted their overall growth as young people." ?
2
@michael r Good question. Not at all unique to them, of course, but the amount of time they spent engaged with their cell phone, they could have been engaged in conversation or noticing/looking at more of the world around them -- while in the car, walking around, etc.
I made them put their phones away as much as possible but it's a daily battle you just can't get involved in every single moment.
We have a 14 and a 12 year old kid and live in Manhattan. Only the older one got a phone last summer, right before starting high school. It can be done!
8
I love having the convenience of a phone and like that my children had them. But i was the crazy mom who didn't allow my new drivers to use GPS. Guess what, they figured out how to navigate our city.
The thing about this columnist's little story is yes, it's a triumph. But it's also what used to be normal behavior for tweens and teens. I'm not sure that the fact she is in NYC doesn't make it actually easier to get around w/o a phone. It's rural areas that are more difficult, what with finding phones, etc.
Overall -- people in general seem too reliant on relying on 'smart' phones instead of their own smarts.
12
Glad no harm came to your child. You must feel like such a great mom.
5
What a silly, flippant, self-serving piece. Gone are the days when a pay phone could be found at any corner, and people had pockets full of change to put into them. My daughter is not "glued" to her phone, and I am comforted by the fact that she can reach us at any time should an urgent situation arises. Manhattan is not the place to be teaching kids to "rough it." Get them phones, and set limits. It appears this family can afford them, and should be thankful for that.
41
@Kathy McAdam Hahn
Actually, there ARE payphones all over the city, and they are free (so not really payphones). The mobile charging kiosks ("LinkNYC") all over the city allow you to use the internet and make free phone calls, and also dial 911 (emergency) or 311 (non-emergency city helpline).
And you don't need a quarter like in the old days.
PS I was wandering around Manhattan on my own at age 13, and it was a much rougher era than now. Totally did fine. Kids are smarter and more resourceful than modern parents give them credit for, and *that's* the point of this piece.
18
@Kathy McAdam Hahn, millions of people got by "roughing it" in Manhattan. It's not like getting stranded without a ride in NJ!
6
@Kathy McAdam Hahn
Yes, her daughter handled that situation very well, and yes, it turned out well too - but that was also due to luck. Not every adult with a kind expression is as trustworthy as that doorman turned out to be - and he author should know this (being an adult, after all!)
A lost little girl walking in and asking a total stranger for help also "checks all the boxes" on a pedophile's wish list. Frankly, this reminds me of a line from the film version of "Emma": "Triumph?! You made a lucky guess!" The girl WAS lucky - this time. Next time, she'd be a lot safer with a phone - a "dumb phone" if need be, but a way to contact her family at the very least. Wake up and smell the coffee (as an advice columnist used to say): Your daughter can't keep counting on luck to keep her safe!
4
Agree 100%.
Early access to phones will harm their social abilities like reading clues from ppl faces and body language... i bet your kid put all the clues well together when she entered that lobby. Listening to your gut feeling is a super skill that will go undeveloped with the early access to the super addicting, brain rewiring devices given too early, precisely at the time when they learn all that...
12
Congrats for surviving without a cellphone.
However I'm getting my 11 year old a cellphone.
Sure I can still start a fire with flint and tinder, and it's a good skill to know, but would I intentionally leave my matches/lighter at home? Of course not.
The issue of school shootings in this country alone makes me want to ensure my child has access to a means of emergency contact with them in most situations.
37
@Nick, you mean having smart fone will help to survive school (or not) mass shooting ? It’s an insult to those lost lives with their state of art technology devices in hands ! Tragedy happen anywhere anytime ! Try to Be safe thou, by being alerted of your surrounding : fone in a pocket!
2
Thank you for sharing your story! I will definitely heed your advice when my toddler gets older.
2
I've been a middle school teacher for almost two decades Please give your children flip phones! Why? As soon as your child has a smartphone, all other children will feel empowered to say ANYTHING (that pops into their developmentally unfiltered brains) to and about your child. The little electronic device becomes a voice that says, over and over, "You are not enough the way you are." If you can prevent that for at least a few more years (when your child has developed his or her own filters), you will be granting them a few more years of innocence, a feeling that the world still is a nice place...
32
I’m a middle school teacher and I can’t agree more. That highly impressionable time of adolescence in middle school is not the time to let your children run loose on social media.
18
@Carmen There's another way to keep them from the social media storm - don't give them access to social media! I gave my daughter a phone when she was 12, on the verge of turning 13. A big piece of middle school is learning independence - so I wanted her to start to take the subway by herself. But I wanted to know where she was so I track her location from my phone to make sure she made it to wherever she was headed. But, I don't give her access to Instagram or Tik Tok or Snapchat or any of that stuff. She can text her friends - and I check the texts regularly to see what's being said - of course the boys use lots of curse words but it's really quite innocent otherwise. She has said that all of her friends have unfettered access to whatever apps they want on their phones but I told her that it's not allowed in our house. She doesn't get caught up in comparing photos on social media or any of that stuff. Yes, she watches videos on YouTube and can view other stuff on the internet but all in all, she's a good kid and uses the phone mostly to listen to music and reach me. A phone doesn't have to be the monster that some people make it out to be.
7
Fair enough. Just remember to never let your guard down. Remember, most of us consider our children to be “good kids” and think they wouldn’t be negatively influenced by all of what they see, read and hear. Always keep the communication open between you and your child but remember that all the children who are “less supervised” are also in communication with your child and others. I’m not trying to depict it as a monster per say, but things can go in all sorts of directions that we parents may not anticipate.
3
Flip phones are definitely a good compromise if your kids are navigating the city by themselves, especially since pay phones are not available anymore. You can collect the phones from them when they get home.
15
@Jmart The LinkNYC mobile kiosks that replaced payphones are all over the city and let you make free phone calls.
2
Those kiosks you are referring to are mostly situated in the crowded parts of Manhattan. “All over the city” seems like an overstatement to me.
2
This mother seems a bit on the hysterical side. I grew up in NYC in the 60s and 70s (when it was a much more dangerous city than it is now) and we 11-year-olds regularly went out after dark alone to go to friends' houses, activities, etc.--big deal! Now that the phone is everywhere people can't imagine how anyone did without it. As most 11-year-olds would, the little girl in this story appears to have acted sensibly. She probably can't imagine why her mother was so worried.
10
@Brooke Allen But in those days pay phones were everywhere and the world was set up to deal with kids out and about. Now not so much.
8
@NSH
Because we parents have made the world this way.
@Brooke Allen, she sounds hysterical because she is anticipating what people will say about her parenting. Societal expectations have changed a lot since you were a kid. I guess you aren't aware that parents get the police called on them for allowing their kids to do what you did.
6
This is great. Please don’t get your children smartphones until they are older. I believe (my children are 17 and 30 and got phones when they were 11) that smartphones should have an age restriction just like guns and cars. We were reluctant but were told by school that they needed them to participate in school activities.
Our family life is divided into pre and post smartphone. Before smartphones we had family time and a normal life. Post smartphones we didn’t, we shared our time with everyone who happened to be online with our children - on tumblr or reddit or instagram and the aptly named discord. Our parental decisions and minutiae of our lives were shared moment by moment with other people without our consent.
We put all the usual restrictions in place - no phones in bedrooms, phones in a basket when they came into the home from school, limited screen time, family meals with no phones, restrictions on routers, but little by little those boundaries were eroded. We naively assumed that democratic discussion was enough to ensure that our kids would never be dependent on their technology but its invasion into our lives and our privacy was insidious.
Nobody ‘needs’ a phone.
17
@Anna This resonates! My brother bought my then 10 year old niece and phone merely as a precaution as she started to walk to school by herself. It sounds perhaps ridiculous to say she was transformed by that phone but she was. A formerly curious, conversational bookworm who always had a book in hand & conversation in head is now literally glued to her phone at all times. She hasn’t read a book for a couple of years. I took her camping for a week last fall — she didn’t bring reading materials, refused card games, in favor of staring at her unconnected-in-the-forest phone. Sigh!
5
Your comment is spot on!
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is hard to navigate being a parent these days and perhaps too many people believe a Smartphone replaces the need for a child to know how to navigate the unexpected. Decades ago my father who was an alcoholic dropped me off at the age of 8 over 50 blocks from my grandmother's Rockaway Beach bungalow. Long story short I did just what this young girl did - I found a safe human couple sitting on their front porch. They were very kind and drove with me past the amusement part at which point they began driving up and down blocks until I recognized my grandmother's house. I wonder if I would have had the same street smarts if I was a child of today leashed to my "everything I need" phone?
8
Flip phone -- yes. This is what we did with my child when she had to start taking public transit to get home from school. Sure, she tried really hard for about five minutes to figure out how to play Snake, but that ended quickly. When she's on the bus now, she's alert to her surroundings, not buried in her phone.
10
I grew up in New York City in the 1980s. There were pay phones everywhere, including schools, and I used them. These days, as pay phones are a distant memory, yes, of course it is a good idea, in terms of safety, to get your child any sort of device they can use to communicate with a parent easily or call 911 in a pinch. There are so many low-tech devices on the market, in every conceivable variation - trackers, flip phones, electronic watches. Now, whether you get a kid a smart phone with all the bells and whistles, and choose to deal the attendant issues of screen restrictions and whatnot, that's another matter entirely. This article seems to be conflating two separate issues.
9
@NYC
see other people's replies about the free charging stations all over manhattan (for the most part not as available in the other boroughs) that can also make free phone calls. the payphone argument in this situation is a red herring.
Thanks for sharing your story. I totally agree with you, we should never forget to learn how kids on how to manage situations by themselves without the quick help of an immediate text message or call. I'm sure that you, yes you are a great Mam and you are successful parents.
2
I grew up in NYC and occasionally had to call my folks on a pay phone. Not really an option today, so go with what you can. A flip phone, as people suggested, is a great idea. It's not 1973 anymore.
16
You are lucky a nice stranger loaned her a phone. If she had her own phone she wouldn’t have to ask. Do you think kids who own phones would have been unable to handle the situation?
14
Of course they would.
@Julie Rosenberg So a mother should buy and pay the monthly costs for an invasive, addictive, corporate surveillance device for an 11-year-old child so that the child will not be inconvenienced for barely an hour? How ridiculous. God forbid we have conversations with people we don't know or ask them questions or for a basic courtesy.
To your final point, I teach college students and I can tell you that their smartphone addictions have contributed to their inabilities to talk to people they don't know. More than a quarter of my students have trouble making eye contact with me. These same students are as antsy as drug addicts anxious for their next hit when they can't access their phones in class. So, yes, I know the kids without smartphones are at an advantage when it comes to navigating situations with strangers. Thankfully some parents see middle-class child abuse for what it is and decide that it's better to make a child smart rather than a phone.
14
@Julie Rosenberg, I think you've missed the point. Much of the article is about the value of kids learning how to observe, sense, and interact intelligently with the world outside of their phones and without their phones, to find something outside the now-programmed solution to everything, i.e., get on the phone. In the situation described, the kids with phones would do the predictable, programmed thing, i.e., text like crazy. It's nice to know this kid can actually think in her feet.
7
Why not give the kids flip phones? I think that's what I'll opt for, when the time comes. The only reasons I wouldn't want to give them smartphones are (1) they're pretty addictive and (2) the constant access to social media can't be good for a teenager's mental health. Flip phones give you the ability to communicate without these problems.
4
@Ann Our kids (who do not live in NYC but suburb) did not get phones ie smartphones until high school. That was the rule. I began to regret it as they got in older middle school and stayed after school or had other moments where I wasn't there and needed to pick them up. School etc. isn't set up for a non cell phone holder. So I think Mom is right about the flip phone--after all she could have texted the babysitter and discovered they were in the wrong Starbucks.
I will however argue for smartphones in high school. They become a way for kids to connect with each other in a very supportive way, for homework, for questions on teams, for role playing games etc. It's not just instagram (which can be off the table) but also discoid etc.
So for those of us who grew up before them, they are not the devil destroying childhood.
2
Back in the late 60’s, when no one had phones, my father brought my best friend and I with him from Chicago on a business trip. We were 13. We stayed near Central Park and made our way around the city on our own during the days. The only restriction was to not go to the Village, which we didn’t. We got lost heading to the Statue of Liberty, and kind strangers helped us. We went shopping and I bought my 1st winter coat with my mother’s credit card (it was kelly green). A wonderful trip made even better by the New Yorkers we met. Of course cell phones are a great convenience, but in my opinion, not an absolute must have.
17
My daughter (and fourth child) just turned fifteen yesterday and received her first phone. My husband and I stuck to the rule that our children didn’t receive one until they were fifteen and we don’t regret it. Sure, there are some inconveniences along the way but, ultimately, it’s been a good idea. Children look up more than looking down the longer a phone isn’t in their possession and there is a whole host of reasons that is better for their development. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t given them a phone until they were 18. Ha! (My kids don’t think that’s very funny.)
9
She and her daughter were lucky this time. Next time, it might be different. So sad that she is not allowing her daughters the extra protection of being able call out if they need help.
15
Parents & children managed for millennia without cell phones. (And no, the world is not more dangerous now. ) mine managed without too.
Children were taught certain survival skills: memorizing names, addresses, phone numbers. How to find a reliable adult. I can recall being “lost” multiple times and wasn’t particularly terrified, just annoyed.
My daughter lost her house keys once (age 10) and broke into the house. Who knew she would figure that out? They are way more resourceful than you think.
25
A parent with common sense, whoda thunk it? As a 68 year old female who has spent her entire life cell phoneless, how did I ever manage to survive my childhood and how do I survive my single living alone senior years without a cell phone, gasp!
10
After 9/11—child in Brooklyn, parents in different locations in Manhattan, terror all around, roads and bridges closed—I vowed my family members would always have cell phones.
9
And the cellphone network collapsed that day, if you remember. It’s not always foolproof.
7
@Practicalities No, it's not fool proof but it was comforting to know that when people found service (the network didn't collapse - it was over loaded but people could and did get through) they could get in touch. I agree - 9/11 is enough of a reason to make sure your kids are reachable.
I'm relieved that your daughter is safe. However, the truth is this story could have just as easily not ended with your daughter safe and sound. Providing both daughters with cell phones is a necessity for communication. Why risk your daughters' safety?
14
@Barb
statistically unlikely it would have been less safe. if you're afraid of nyc, simple solution: don't come.
This is just another self-congratulatory pat on the back by a mother who thinks she is superior to others - so your kids don't have phones. Big deal. I don't think there will be a difference between them and their peers when they're 30, and you can bet they will be using all the technology they can get their hands on.
38
@Maureen I think you are missing the point...
2
When I was dating my now-husband, we waited for each other in two different Starbucks a block or so apart. It prompted him to propose getting a joint phone plan (this was flip phone era), his first major sign of interest in commitment.
4
Sounds like at least part of the problem is all these Starbucks.
1
Sounds like the old days!
2
Oh, how did I ever make out of my unsupervised, smart-phone free childhood alive?! Three cheers for the Birmingham household. No kids in ours but the obsession some of my friends have with being constantly connected to their children at all times is bizarre. No children and tweens don't need smart phones to navigate the world. They can, like I did, and like Ms. Birmingham did, learn to get around in their environment by assessing it, including the adults that inhabit it. At 14, I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to babysit for a certain family on our street again because the household didn't feel safe. Not sure if I could have done that if I had spent my childhood with my face buried on a screen instead of having eyeball on eyeball conversations with my mother. The screen less flip phone is a great compromise to modernity.
8
It is a good idea to have a phone for emergency purposes but it does not need to be a smart phone. A flip phone will do just fine and get the job done while preserving the desire not to hand over smart phones to children too early in life.
14
I grew up in New York. Traveled on buses, subways, Ls alone at 12 in the 70's - Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan. Without a debit or credit card, Google map or water bottle... Ha!
13
Is this really a good example of why you don't need to give your kid a phone?
You're in Manhattan, one of the most urbanized areas in the world, where there is literally someone with a phone or access to a phone on every corner. Your child used a phone to call you to fix the problem. If they had their own phone they could have just worked it out immediately by messaging the baby sitter and/or having the exact address noted in a map.
How is this a good example for anyone? Why not expose your kid to the reality of how we live today and deal with the caveats and shepherd them through it rather than play a pretend we don't have access to technology game?
If anything, just give them the phone for when they are on their own and put it away when they are at home. Instead, you're congratulating yourself for inconveniencing both your baby sitter and your daughter, because you're too afraid of a screen.
58
@Harvey maybe because once you give them the phone, there's no putting the genie back in the bottle.
13
It’s not being afraid of the screen. It’s about what young children become when they’re always on one.
10
@Carmen That's being afraid of the screen. Being afraid of what you think it will do to the kid. You're afraid of having to deal with their behavior once you give them a screen, because you either don't know how or don't want to.
The reality is that everyone has a device with access to the Internet. Would you rather teach your kid how to deal with having one or let them fumble through it on their own like we have? Personally, I'm much more inclined to give them something and then work out the issues under my supervision. There are numerous privacy issues around device use that you have to make clear to young boys and girls early on.
My nine year old has a computer and plays Roblox all the time. I made it clear to her very early on that once I enabled the chat functionality she could never give any indication to anyone of her real identity. She was not to tell people her real name, that she was a girl, her age or where she lived or anything else personal about herself and I made it clear that it was for her own protection, because there are sometimes bad people out there that can take advantage of kids.
When my kid is old enough to walk the streets of Manhattan by herself, she will have a phone.
7
Yay!
Yes smartphones are handy.
BUT I've seen grown ups glued to GPS, while commuting to places they've ALREADY been to before. This means: They've stopped observing the world beyond their phone.
(Lots going on out there) and, perhaps worse, they don't believe they can get there without GPS.
Heartening to know there're a few of us, like this Mom, out there...
12
All the focus in this column and in the comments (as many of them as I read) seems to be on whether equipping kids with their own cellphones is a good/or not a good idea. I wonder why, however, this kid, aged 11, had to be picked up by a sitter?
I am now going to make my "Ok, Boomer," comment:
When I was 11 years old and growing up in London in the 60s, I travelled alone on the Underground (London's subway system) every day between home and school (a distance equivalent to that between Bushwick and Times Square) As a student I had a free pass for the London Underground, so during vacations I used it to travel alone all over London as well. At age 19, I visited the U.S. and travelled -- alone-- around the entire country and Canada and Mexico on a Greyhound bus pass.
If any of that came at a price, it was probably the strain it put on my father's heart. He died, aged 67, of a massive heart attack. And, no, I was not as sanguine about such childhood independence when it came to raising my own son. However, I just accept that I was more of a "helicopter" parent than my father was -- but, I don't see that as a good thing.
9
Well, hard to say. My elder son, 13, has been using phones since he's 9. he has his instagram pages and a varied and interesting life on social networks, Sometimes I feel we want our kids to fight OUR battles. But this is their time. I'm sure the kids are very good and capable, I'm sure as well they're loosing something they'll never get back. We can't underestimate how much of the kid's life happens on the phone, and thinking to shield them because it's snobistically against the tide, actually harms their capacity to orientate not so much in Manhattan, but in their own life.
When they'll have a phone, that part of life will hit them like a whale, or they'll feel they'll have lost something unique that is built at that time, the same as I feel my parents were wrong when they did not buy me the first computers, and I struggled to understand how to adapt to them and still today that keeps me out of a lot of discussions.
Wealthy people in New York who don't want to buy two phones to their daughters, remind me to the kind of education given in the 19th century, when a physical punishment was the answer to all tentatives to anyone's freedom.
in the 15th century maybe the parents argued against books, these depravate ancients of tablets, and similarly educated their kids to humble jobs, to avoid their souls to be touched by the demon.
9
When I was growing up in the 50’s a neighborhood family wouldn’t let their children watch tv. Another family wouldn’t buy their children comic books (when a boy from that family would come over for parties at my house he would spend a lot of time in the bathroom with my comic books). Some parents have always denied their children some things most of their peers got, to build character. It probably doesn’t hurt them but it also probably doesn’t help them all that much.
27
@W Williams I love this simple wisdom.
TVs and comic books didn’t come with attendant security issues and the fact that you read Superman or watched Gunsmoke wasn’t indelibly broadcast potentially to the world for the rest of your life.
3
If one is a normally sighted person, it’s not possible to become lost in Manhattan.
8
@Dave D. I guess you've never been to the West Village. I grew up in Manhattan (Upper East Side) and I depend on Google maps when heading that way.
3
@Dave D. Seriously? I've lived in Manhattan for over 30 years and I still sometimes get 'lost'. I walk out of the subway and can't seem to figure out exactly where I am (I don't know every neighborhood by heart) and then walk a few blocks the wrong way and then try to double back if I can - sometimes I just have to get out the good old Google maps to help me figure it out.
5
I have a "Hints from Heloise" book of advice for homemakers from the 1950s. A tip sent in by a reader said, "I tie an alarm clock to my son's tricycle so he knows when to come home for dinner"! How times have changed.... p,s, I have two preteen children who navigate their neighborhood, sometimes beyond, with no phone. They're okay. Really.
15
@Tamar R
my hero. no irony.
I wonder if the author would be as pleased as she is with herself if the story didn't end as it did. It's not when things go well that we know we have addressed potential risks, it's when things don't.
26
@Kevin Do you not think smart phones carry their own set of unique risks? So glad they were not available during my childhood; bullies have a highly effective tool to do their dirty work, and predators do as well. I can look back with my adult experience and knowledge at some of the faculty at my middle and high school that really gave me the creeps but I didn't know why. I knew to keep them at arms length . . . for reason I could not imagine, being raised in a household with good adult/child boundaries and clear roles. Those are things smart phones with their constant connections to social media have further eroded. Sound to me that Ms. Birmingham is raising her children to think and trust their instincts, rather than fall prey to illusion.
7
@Kevin, get a clue please. Bad things can happen anywhere at anytime to anybody, with a cell phone or without a cell phone. As a kid growing up in the '50s and '60s we were made well aware of that by our parents, but they didn't keep us on leashes or lock us up inside closed yards. Self-confidence and self-reliance are not learned by being spoon fed by mommy until you're 30!
11
The girl wasn’t 6, she was 11. She was a city child, and she handled herself perfectly. I would get her a flip phone, but all of these parents commenting who see thing wrong with their pre-teen kids spending time looking at screens instead of all of the other things there are to do are not doing their young kids any favors.
4
"...she was also alert and observing the people around her. She spoke to an adult, advocated for herself and calmly handled the situation, making good choices. Score one for the analog world." Bullseye #1...
Bullseye #2: the compromise for a flip phone.
I admire the evolution of your thinking based on a real-life situation rather than acting purely out of fear or victim consciousness... 👍🏻 (I hope your daughter's hand healed well!)
11
@Kenny Fry
brava for being the only one to care about the injured daughter. i feel terrible that i didn't think to utter that basic concern myself.
(p.s. a cell phone wouldn't have prevented the injury)
Kind of interesting the mom and babysitter communicated through text during this event. In my book a potential missing kid would warrant a phone call. I'm young but still call when I need to get something sorted pronto.
10
It tells you a lot about the decline of our society that the phenomenon of an 11-year-old in New York City without a cellphone would rate space in The New York Times. Heck, when we were around that age well over a half century ago, we’d go to the city ourselves all the time. There was not a single cellphone and the streets were a lot meaner than they are today . . . and, lo and behold, we all survived. It was a miracle.
23
Teaching your kids the responsible behavior associated with using a smart phone is also smart parenting. And safer.
16
Yeah, no. A flip phone with the ability to call and text is a necessity in the city.
10
That's exactly what I thought.
Your 11 yo daughter was able to get help from an adult, and that’s good. I am glad she is safe. But she only walked to the building right next to where she was. We have come so far from letting children outside our sight. I have always lived in NYC. When I was a kid at her age, I routinely walked home from school or to friends’ houses at least a mile away. When I was 13, I was alone and got completely lost on the subway with only enough money for a phone call, but I figured it out. I learned a lot about the subway and my own resilience that day, and it made me more confident. I fear many children today will have very little resilience by the time they’re adults.
24
You wrote this up to praise your child’s skills, which is great. But our job as parents is to keep our kids out of trouble and safe. They don’t have deep enough life experience to evaluate and manage risk as well as we do as parents, I read your story and thought, this was a near miss. Your panic was at some level justified, and should be a wake up call to get your ideals more inline with reality, something the other sixth grade parents have apparently done. A flip phone, really? Sounds like you can’t let go of your tendency to control. Flip phones were fine....in the 90’s.
15
@DougC
The author is correct to avoid phones with screens. The purpose of a phone is presumably to make phone calls as needed.
23
@DougC Our job as parents is not to keep our kids out of trouble and safe. It's to teach them the skills they need to keep themselves out of trouble and safe. If we put them in a bubble and walk their hand through everything, when they do finally get out of the house, they will be clueless and helpless.
15
@DougC
Her daughter didn't need to update the gram - or wander the internet - she need to be able to receive a phone call from her mom - a flip phone would do fine.
"Sounds like you can’t let go of your tendency to control." ?
They're 10 and 11 years old.
9
My middle school kids got cellphones. As a working parent I wanted a way to get in touch with them and vice versa. No regrets.
14
Parenting gold star! How to raise a confident resilient kid doing just fine in navigating the real world.
19
@Debbie Canada Good for you.
Exactly. My generation and my sons survived before cell phones. We were independent and self sufficient and didn't have our parents still running interference on our lives when we had kids ourselves.
Amazed at all the stuff modern parents do for their kids. We and our kids were independent and self reliant because we didn't have parents hovering over our every move.We didn't have to give up our lives to babysit our grandchildren and neither did our parents. Mine were 5.000 miles away anyway so no helicopter parenting possible but we were raised to be independent anyway and it was never a problem.,
That said a flip phone for emergencies is a good compromise.
3
In homes that no longer have landlines, once kids stay home alone they need phones. It’s not a status thing, it is a basic reality because kids need to be able to make a call to tell parents if they get sick, need help, there is an emergency, etcetera. Also, without landlines friends have no way to call friends to chat, plan to get together unless they have a phone. Trust me, no kid wants to call their friend’s parents’ phone. It’s different than calling a house phone.
16
@Somewhere In The USA
I agree. Which is why we still have a landline as long as my kids (now middle schoolers and high schoolers) live at home. Even though they have cell phones. A landline is an important phone to have.
5
We have a flip phone with an $8 per month plan that we use as a landline. Kids don't need their own smartphones to be safe.
8
@Somewhere In The USA. west-coasters and east-coasters and single people may be ditching their landlines, but there are still millions of them in full service including where I was born and raised in the middle of the country. When I was 10-11, I wasn't wasting time chatting for endless hours on the phone with a friend. I was too busy running around outside or at school and was away from home generally from shortly after sunrise until dark, when my mom would have to round us up along with other moms in our neighborhood hunting down their own kids. I was prepared at 17 after I graduated from high school to be on my own in the world. I got a job and moved into an apartment on the other side of town away from my parents, and walked and took the bus for transportation as I hadn't learned to drive, and never did. It wasn't necessary. Later I worked my way through college and then law school, with no financial help from my working class parents. With six of us and two still at home when I started law school in 1980, it was out of the question and I wouldn't have thought to ask. Seems to me we've built a world of wimps and wussies that parents now constantly follow around cleaning up their messes and wiping their offsprings' noses, perpetual children who are 50 and still need mommy to take care of them! People need to get a grip.
4
When my husband and I were debating whether to get our then middle-school age kids cell phones, a wise friend said, “Middle school is hard enough as it is. Why make your kids be the only ones without phones?” That made sense and I convinced my anti-tech husband to get phones.
Sure, the author’s daughter was able to take care of herself and navigate the situation, but temporary angst could have been eliminated with a phone. Technology does have some positive uses and we should take advantage of them if we can afford to.
21
@Mom Of 2 Teens That temporary angst you cite is the point actually at debate. And I agree with your persuasive
friend about not adding to the difficulties of that age a child faces. But neither does that child benefit long-term
if another year of arithmetic is substituted for algebra when algebra is indicated. The hardest part of parenting IS watching them struggle a bit, social skills as well as academic ones. You cannot develop if every challenge you meet makes you feel threatened. Let the youngsters
earn their self-confidence by making these choices for them with that in mind. If you are honest in evaluating your child,your will make the appropriate conclusion.
2
When I was 16, I got lost in a huge city where I didn’t speak the language. (I won’t go into the details of how I got there.) If cell phones had existed at the time, I would have been spared the anxiety that still, almost 50 years later, gives me a recurring nightmare.
And as far as the argument that “good people are everywhere and they will help”, I fell once in Manhattan and landed on my face and sat bleeding as the morning commuters filed past. So, they aren’t and they won’t.
26
@Patricia Sears
i would have helped (and i have). i'm sorry no one else did. that's not normal for nyc. i'm truly sorry.
1
My children were given their first cellphones when they entered high school. Sure, they felt excluded in middle school when they found themselves to be the only ones in their class without phones. But our task as parents is not to optimize every one of our child’s experiences to their comfort level. Our task is to make the tough decisions on their behalf because they are not yet ready to do so for themselves.
Now, at age 19 and 16, my young people find (frustratingly so) that when they meet up with other young people in social settings, they often are the only ones at the table able to put their phone away, look at people in the eyes and make conversation. I ask you: who made the wrong decision? Wasn’t me.
As for the argument that we need to prepare our children for the future by exposing them to technology early, I do not buy it. My son who had no cellphone or computer till HS is now at the top of his class at a top STEM university studying computational physics. Did not hold him back.
Children need thoughtful parents willing to make decisions that sometimes go against the fray. Children do not need screens.
32
I did not read the article. Regardless of age above 8 or so, navigating one’s way to a friend’s, the corner store, school or home does not necessitate a mobile phone. We did without such for centuries in the USA. The point about no pay phones is a false argument. Any savvy person can ask a bystander to use the phone for an urgent call or walk into any shop or office and explain the same unforeseen need. Most everybody will be courteous and accommodating. If kids don’t know how to talk to an adult other than a known teacher or relative, then the parent is failing.
21
This column brought back memories: I, too, have made the decision to have no phones until high school with my four girls (youngest now ten). My most jarring memory was when a stranger called me from Chinatown saying he had my daughter and that she was lost. Turns out he was an angel and helped her get to where she needed to go. I think it is important that we share stories like these to counter the myth that children need phones. My girls are strong and resilient because they have developed the same street smarts I developed in NYC in the 70s. They have a sense of being surrounded by human beings, most of whom are good—and have the skill to find help. They are also self confident and kind because no text chain has told them they should be otherwise. The recently published article in the NYT claiming that phones are not dangerous completely missed this point, as the research was only looking at the impact on anxiety in a very narrow way. Please write more.
15
An excellent reminder of how many of us grew up in an age when there were no smartphones, but at most a public pay phone on the street. Parents raised their kids in large cities to be street smart, aware, and capable, to do just what this 11 year old girl did.
11
Been there. Alone in Manhattan in 1966 at age 11, when mobile phones didn't even exist. Mom told me to wait at "the library" but didn't know there were two libraries just about next to each other. Got REALLY bored after four hours and took the subway back to my uncle's house, where this "lost" child was greeted by police and lots of relatives.
21
@Julian Gomez
translation: parents often worry, children are mostly always fine and resilient (if given enough training).
1
I am on your side. Ignore the trolls.
11
Wow. Congrats. Ur kid made a phone call
13
The author of this article writes like a 10th grader with her little side comments that aren’t as amusing as she thinks.
20
Fantastic article: so true in the content, so well written in the form!
Smartphones make us dumb, addicted, disconnected and insular. We all know it, and we’d all be better off if we switched back to flip phones.
9
@Rill I use a smartphone with 500MB of data (for emergencies) and no games. I can jot down notes, access contacts, easily send text messages, and do many other useful things that I couldn't do on a flip-phone. Configured so that it couldn't connect to unauthorized networks, I think that would make a great communication device for a child.
5
Awesome.
2
Stay strong Micaéla Birmingham! You’re doing what’s best for your children.
9
I got off the bus once at a busy intersection and a girl about ten years old confidently tapped me and asked me to to walk her across the street. I stopped traffic in every direction, and she went on her way. It made me wonder if she did this every day, coming home from school. Sometimes little old ladies will ask me for help but this was the first time I encountered a child on her own.
7
#momgoals as they say. I grew up in nyc without a phone when it was a far more dangerous place. I have two kids under five - hope I can hold out this long.
7
My kids have smart phones, no big deal for us. But, I want them to be able to handle a situation like this! Phone batteries die, signal fades...managing being lost is a great life skill. I loved your story.
20
At the time I carried a cell phone--my 9 year old granddaughter did not--and we were visiting the New York Natural History Museum. We were in one of the dinosour rooms and she wanted to explore at her usual slow pace. We agreed I would stay in one of the alcoves and when she was finished we would move onto the next room. Time passed and thinking she had forgotten our agreement I figured she had probably moved to another room. I looked for her in the room we were in and then decided I needed to find a security guard. I was thinking about how to best describe her odd outfit when I turned a corner and there she was looking quite calm and cool. "You did not stay where we agreed and that was what you said to do" she noted. "I decided to look for a guard. I was trying to remember what you were wearing." Taken aback I asked her if she was worried. "No. I figured you had to be here somewhere. But I am mad at you". And we kept in better touch for the rest of the visit.
The benefits from this experience were 2-fold. It reinforced for me that kids are usually competent in assessing situations and coming up with a plan--after all, I raised my kids pre-cell phone. And this child was particularly good at analyzing situations and coming up with a plan--and I knew I could count on her good judgement.
12
Knowing how to interact with adults and ask for help when needed is an important skill to develop, because a phone won't keep a kid safe. If a kid needs a phone, they can ask anyone around to borrow one! Kids need to be taught how to spot a safe adult. Relying on the phone alone is a false security.
16
We didn’t buy our kids phones when they started moving autonomously in our city, with the rationale that 1) they need to pay attention to their surroundings now more than ever; 2) we couldn’t rescue them quickly anyway since we both work 30 min away; and 3) they really can count on the people in our neighborhood if some weird emergency comes up. Teen and tween boys don’t use phones to communicate; they are pocket video games.
10
We all live and parent differently. You and your family embrace and live out what is best for you and yours. Thank you for sharing this experience. It gives me lots to think about and whether I want to adjust the choices my family makes for our child and phones.
7
Big deal . I hitchhiked to college .
5
I hitchhiked to high school 20 miles in the city . It was a different time in a different place . I would never let my
Children or grandchildren. Go that route in today's society . Worst yet New York
The most crime infected city in America .
@Don NYC isn't the most crime infested city in America, not by a long shot. Would it hurt to do basic research about crime statistics?
3
Speaking to strange “adults” is hardly a coup for a kid. And trust me, as a kid who was “different,” you are setting her up for failure and lifelong pain the further you remove her from the mainstream. Get her a smartphone and put some reasonable limits on its usage.
39
You both got lucky this time.
51
May I suggest skipping the "Taken" movie? Because I much agreed with your own point about on how they put hopeless visions in our heads. And it is your 11-year-old's head. Talk together instead--you sound like a great mom! For what would Fred Rogers do? Thank you for the story!
20
When I was 11 back in the 1970s, we had these things called “pay phones.” Those things are mostly gone now, so sending an 11 year old out without any phone at all makes communication even harder than in the past. Why not give your kid a basic “dumb phone” for calls and texts as a middle ground?
35
@The Judge That's what she said she's doing.
6
Great mom!!!! I'm sure their teachers love you, too.
9
So you made this day harder for everyone by insisting your child be phone less. Wasn’t very nice for the sitter.
And they do sell phones without the data plan that seems to be your main annoyance.
NYT, please do better.
92
@Lydia absolutely right
9
All good except watching “Taken” with 10 and 11-year olds.
16
@SYJ She is kidding with that last sentence.
2
Great job teaching your kids self-advocacy skills. However, anytime your tweens' independence from digital devices involves other people's babysitters, you're benefiting from class privilege (yours or someone else's).
47
The amazing thing about this story is that it's a story. A kid without a cell phone, in a well-to-do neighborhood, bright lights all around, lots of people everywhere (almost all with phones in their pockets), safe havens all around (a Starbucks on every corner, etc.) has somehow, miraculously, figured out how to call their mommy. THIS merits being a newsworthy story in the NYT? The child wasn't in a slum or stranded in the middle of some uninhabited wilderness... the newsworthy story should be the one where the kid CAN'T figure out how to call mom in this situation. What does this say about how our kids are being raised? Just how low are our expectations for them? Or (to Tammi's point) does this just say more about the mommy than the child?
62
I don't know if you're parenting tweens, but expecting kids to be independent is not common these days. Parents and parenting spectators all over this country worship helicopter parenting. It can be tough to buck the norms.
17
@Larry J. They just need clicks.
Learning to navigate your neighborhood, town or city is integral to growing up. You can't outsource learning common sense to a having a cell phone. At any time, a kids phone could be lost, out of battery, or - like during 9/11 - cell towers could be down and you have no signal. Likewise the parent the kid is trying to reach for advice could have a dead cell phone, etc. Other commenters here act like the parent is committing a crime by not having her kids use a cell phone. (These are likely the same people that got that parent arrested whose kids were playing by themselves in the park for "neglect".) FWIW my 12 year old rides the subway home with friends from school every day in Brooklyn then walks a few blocks by himself. And about 2 out of 5 days he forgets his cell phone! (and indicates he is not obsessed with his cell phone... which he got at age 10.5 - also the absolute last kid in his class to have one).
20
Kids absolutely need to learn how to get around independently. Where we live our city buses connect delays to Google Maps so kids can tell if they missed the bus and need to get a bike or walk, or just wait, with their phone. Having a phone and learning to navigate independently are not mutually exclusive.
1
My entire family grew up without mobile phones and yet we were always able to contact our parents in case of an emergency. This isn't news.
9
@Sasha Love I was in the same situation but we always have pay phones on almost every street corner and if you didn't have money you can contact the operator for emergency situations . It wasn't the same as you're saying. Course I could be wrong you may have to live in the country .
6
A phone that can call and text only is all that is needed for young kids. Add a little nyc map to her bag and she’s all set!
6
Or you could just.. you know.. teach your kid how to use a smartphone sparingly and trust them with it; I don’t see an issue with phones and kids as long as they are mature enough to understand the pros and cons of it
26
A woman writing about her parenting decisions will always be crucified.
189
@voltairesmistress what you're saying is whatever a parent does with there children is OK . Well that's not the case .We have laws to protect children .You as a parent have to be responsible for your children .
6
@voltairesmistress It's the ultimate passive-aggressive way to let others know how great a parent she (the columnist) has been. Pretty pathetic.
11
@voltairesmistress. A great many of us are parents, but we don't feel the need to constantly write about how "awesome" we are at. And, yes, self-deprecating humor filled with virtue signaling does just that.
4
Surprised that no commenters (that I saw - didn’t read every one) mentioned that a kid with a smartphone is exposed to more covert, insidious dangers online. Parental controls help to a point, but dark forces are collecting our information. The possibility that some apps (SnapChat, Ring, Face app) are spying tools made in Russia/China should scare us. Young online gamer boys are being radicalized. Pedophiles lurk around every corner. Parents who plaster their kids’ faces all over social media need to understand some popular apps are a stalker’s dream. Pinning a location on Instagram or Foursquare gives out your information in real time. No one here seems to be as scared as they should be about those dangers.
A kid raised in New York has an advantage, though. The aware the dangers & learn street smarts more than, say, a tourist on their own. Being aware of surroundings isn’t always possible if you’re looking down, enthralled in a screen.
In the late 70s, my sister got separated from our group among hordes of people crossing the street. Dirty, crime-ridden Times Square, not like it is today. We were a block ahead by the time we noticed she wasn’t with us. We were tourists. She was 11 (& had always had a good sense of direction), retraced her steps back to our hotel & waited with the doorman until we returned.
A flip phone for emergencies is a good compromise. Being uncool is better than being unsafe. Teaching kids awareness online & off is key. The latest “toy” can wait.
12
@Ruby i'm glad you at least allow the kids to have a flip phone seeing as there's no payphones out there anymore . I'm sure most kids are so disciplined that they would use there friends Smart phones . Yeah that would never happen .
I'm 76 never underestimate the mind of a teenager I've been there done that .
Just don't raise a kid in NYC. Problem solved. In so many ways.
2
@Gregg Not helpful. There are more than 1 million kids in NYC, more than population most US cities.
19
@Gregg Raise them in Texas that way u only have speak two languages in New York you have to speak 15 to survive
@Gregg Don't throw the kids out with the bath water.
4
"Taken" is PG-13, and parts of it are extremely intense and frightening (the torture scene, for example).
Is it really an appropriate film for Ms. Birmingham's daughters?
5
@Pdianek I think thats for her to decide. That's the G in Parental GUIDANCE in movie ratings.
5
I like how the writer deflects the fact that her daughter went into a unknown building and spoke to a stranger about her troubles -- by calling him "non-kidnappery" - what exactly does that mean? Isn't the whole concern about kidnappers/strangers is that they don't look like kidnappers?
Most smartphones these days CAN be dumb phoned. You turn off everything but phone, text and email. You can set it so it shuts down at night. No need to embarrass your kid with a flip phone. (I tried. I will tell you, socially, terrible idea).
Finally, the main issue: "back in the day" when my parents used to let me roam around the city, there were pay phones. Everywhere! Not anymore, and that is why it's a good idea to give your kid a phone.
28
@ABC "Pay phones. Everywhere"? Have you noticed that all those old pay phone spots have been turned into sidewalk kiosks that allow folks make phone calls? For free! Three minutes to anywhere in the country. No dime or quarter required. So it's even easier than it was "back in the day." (For the record, this comes from an NYC Gen-X'er now raising an 11- and 9-year-old in the City. Without cell phones -- yet. To date, neither one has asked for a phone of his own. And, in the meantime, we are doing what we can to raise them to be independent and resourceful. Like ensuring that our fifth-grader -- with a 20-minute walk on his own after school -- has a few key resources on hand. Including all key phone numbers. And the knowledge that he can contact a parent or grandparent from any one of thousands of corners in the City.) Kudos to the City of New York for giving us that resource!
10
Our child had a basic Nokia phone. Then replaced with an ancient iphone for a while. He now has nothing, as we just haven't gotten around to getting him the new phone or sorting out the spare one we have lying around. He travels home on the train/bus every day and calls when he gets in. We get WhatsApps from his friends' parents for changes in the schedule. We used to worry about his survival skills, but now realize he's sensible enough to ask an responsible adult if he needs to. And when we get home, he checks the app for homework. It can be done, and mobile phones are not a solution for lack of common sense. They need to be able to move about in their environment, really. Batteries die and things happen.
11
What a superstition lot of readers: never let your child leave home without that vial of saint’s blood (four leaf clover, rabbit’s foot) in her pocket, you never know what could happen. I have read countless articles now about people being mowed down by gunmen, and I don’t think it is a leap to say many if not all of the dead in most cases had cellphones. Cellphones are useful, I completely agree. But just as easily as a child can use the phone to call mom, he or she can also decide to turn it off or ignore mom when she calls. This mom raised her child to be smart and resourceful, and I suspect she also knew her child was up to the task. Big thumbs up, Mom.
16
So the lesson is that the Mom beat technology and her child survived One Time of being in the city without a smartphone. The mom then writes about it defiantly and somewhat sanctimoniously in an effort to stir the bee's nest. It's a single case offered to "prove" the author's point of view and maybe assuage her guilt. Single cases rarely stand for long. It's literally a matter of luck--probability--that it didn't turn out badly. Each flip of the coin, the other side could pop up. Some prefer Vegas for gambling rather than their kids' lives, but to each her own. The assumption is that the child is So Much Better Off for not having a smartphone. Millions of cases prove that this isn't necessarily the case and in fact the child could be worse off without it and not for the way discussed here--the supposed zombie-fication of the child. Rather the child could be missing out on learning. One child of mine taught herself to draw in middle school using the phone that I was not happy her father gave her. She'd blow up photos of things to draw: fingernails, anatomically correct hearts. She became an extraordinary artist. With no other art lessons she attended LaGuardia HS, and an elite college. Son turns out was downloading pdfs of books because school was "boring." He read the original Frankenstein, Greek comedies and is considering going into Classics. But: two examples don't prove anything! Well, the author only had one example, one flip of a coin that turned out right this time.
31
I grew up wandering Brooklyn and the City. I got lost. I still do. And in almost any city I visit. And any place, really. I find my way without a cell phone. By choice.
Now I live near a national park. Recently as I approached a summit I heard people hollering and found a cluster of hikers around a 'free range' 10 year old child who had gotten separated from his adults. He was a spunky and competent child. He was also lost, anxious, and without a phone. Over a dozen hikers ditched their plans and fanned out looking for his adults. Fortunately we had phones, located the child's adults on the summit of another mountain, and reunited them. Thanks to our common sense and preparedness.
Well prepared beats "awesome" any day. There has to be some common sense in parenting. I suggest that at the extremes of 'free range' and 'anti vax' and 'anti phone' parenting are very ideologically rigid, blinkered, and selfish people who depend on everybody else to do what they won't - care for the safety and health of their children.
29
To me the phone isn’t the center of the issue. My vote would have been having her wait at the pool for the sitter, where there were presumably other responsible adults like a coach? life guard? I wouldn’t send an eleven year old to go Starbucks alone. Just my opinion!
20
Exactly!, my thought is that the child with the broken is safe at the hospital. Why not go out and get the child at swim practice and bring her back to the hospital instead of relying on a babysitter of another child.
You are overly confident and should definitely take better care of your daughter. On this occasion it was a “no-kidnappery adult” but next time it could be someone more dangerous.
I remember coming home from school, in the fifth grade, and on the way a grown adult offered me money to help him “move furniture”. Why did he need some skinny 11 year old kid to help him move furniture? I think he was arrested later.
20
I mean no disrespect, but this story could've ended in tragedy. I don't view this mother as a role model for anyone. She got lucky, and so did her very smart child.
The world has profoundly changed--it is now nothing to read that a child has gone to school to murder classmates. And we all know that telephone booths have longed disappeared from the landscape.
So a "dumb phone", one that has no internet connections, is an essential safety tool for children who are mature enough to walk the streets alone. As the Scouts say: "Be Prepared".
My personal example: driving in California was always perfectly safe, until it wasn't. In broad daylight, in an expensive area, my car got caught between two cars whose drivers were shooting at each other. And, yes, I had a dumb phone to immediately call the police. No, I don't have a smart phone.
Though my child and I escaped unharmed, it could have very easily gone the other way.
I am confused as to why this mother is so proud of herself.
37
The world has changed. It’s become safer. I applaud this mom for raising a daughter who could evaluate the situation, navigate the city, and problem solve on her own.
15
@Just A Thought Every 34 minutes, somewhere in this country, some innocent person is murdered. Are you not aware of that statistic? How does that fact make America safer?
Schools, everywhere in America, now teach children what to do, if an intruder enters their school with weapons. It's a mandatory part of
learning school safety rules in the USA today. There's not a school district in America that does not have a live shooter safety plan in place.
Is this the safer America you're talking about?
So, therefore, one can still have a child "problem solve on her own", as well as have the capability of immediately calling 911 on her own, if the child was in trouble, or saw someone else in trouble.
It is absolutely ridiculous for this mother to think that having a phone cancels out a child's ability to acquire critical thinking skills.
Phones give children security and independence. Irresponsible anti-phone warrior parents take that away from them.
Why should a child have to go look for someone to help them, when, with a phone, the daughter could have done it all by herself.
But I agree with you, this mother raised a smart daughter. I'm so happy for this child--it could have so very easily gone the other way.
10
Good job. Stick the tech exclusion as long as you can - even though they will hate you for it as high schoolers.
The bad news: dangers to children can come from clean cut professionals in nice places.
The first time I didn’t bring my son (he insisted) into the ladies room with me and his younger sister, he was eight (8) years old. At a nice tourist arts place, mid-day, weekend.
The women’s restroom line was long, just three stalls, you know how it is. We finally got outside and he was sitting on the bench, right outside the door where I left him. There was a clean-cut man, maybe 30, round wire glasses, pressed khakis, polo shirt and very nice loafers. He looked like a CPA. I said “hello?”, he said “hello”. I turned to look at my son, then turned back to him and he had melted into the crowd. That’s when I Knew. My hair still stands up whenever I think about it.
“Nice” places and “nice” people is no guarantee.
19
At that age, long before cell phones, I navigated Manhattan on the subway by myself. It's not hard.
You and your daughter have nothing particularly to be proud of.
On the other hand, compound fractures are frightening.
5
Good job! I'd say, though, that one of the other things you could take from this is that your daughters don't need flip phones either.
2
Sigh a piece calculated for its pr/clickbait value, more appropriate for buzzfeed. Kudos to Ms. Birmingham's publicist. Back to the real would you give your child a flip phone or use the parental controls on your tweens smartphone to limit what apps they can use and who they can contact
8
Bravo to you. There isn't a teacher in the world that wouldn't love a school without smartphones. Nothing says privilege like a kid with a $500 smartphone.
7
Glad your daughter is safe but for heaven's sake, it isn't as though she was gone for days plus she handled the situation well on her own. Now about the classmate's baby-sitter....
1
Yes, and our grandparents walked miles to school in six feet of snow. Please. You got lucky this time. Don't play with your children's lives to prove a point--there is danger out there.
14
Yes! Yes! Yes! Say no to smart phones! My kids ride the trains without them as children have for decades. Let them learn how to figure it out and ask for help. I see kids walking down the street staring at their smartphones unaware of their surroundings. My son's friend had a smartphone and it was stolen in the park when he put down his bag. Some kids also lose things all the time. There are plenty of other things that children can learn to care for and keep track of. Yes, I'm not getting suckered into getting smartphones for my kids. When I was 19 I went all over Europe by myself for a couple of months - no cell phone. It was one of the best times of my life. I learned so much and gained so much confidence - no cell phone needed! Kudos to your daughter and you!
9
@AM I agree with these but I will say one big problem is the fact that pay phones have disappeared. Most kids will be ok going into a public place and asking to use a phone, but it's a lot harder to reach people now with no payphones available.
4
@JJ
yes, now there are free stations to call from all over manhattan. know before you post.
Most of the time, your child is surrounded by good, well meaning adults. Most of the time, nothing bad happens. But once in a while, the nightmare from the true crime shows and “Taken” blows up your life.
I had walked home alone from school hundreds of times long before we had smartphones and nothing happened until one day it did.
I was 15 years old when a man in his 30s offered me a ride home from school. He strategically parked his truck a few blocks from my high school and (I imagine) singled me out because I was walking alone. After i repeatedly refused a ride, he followed me home on foot for almost a mile until i confronted him. The fact that my unexpected reaction apparently unnerved him enough to leave me alone is not a win.
I wish I could have called the police or my mother. Smartphones arent nearly as dangerous as ill intentioned grown men.
27
@Julie I agree! And a young person nowadays might well take a pic of the truck, the license place---something important that would make a real difference.
9
@Julie
HOW IS THIS NOT A WIN? something similar happened to me at 7 and i also escaped unscathed. i see it as a mark of quick thinking. not always enough, but more than often.
1
Why not Uber the older sister to the hospital so everybody could be together. Family values and all that.
3
@michjas --
Assuming you're kidding.
As a mother of a daughter I would choose sitting among random Starbucks adults before being alone in car with Uber driver any day of the week. Even for myself.
3
I don't really understand; mom can simply empower kids, teach kids how to use smartphones as a tool, rather than a distraction. Seems to me that mom likes to gamble with her kid’s safety.
7
I think it's great to create that sense of value in your kids - that not every child starting at age 6 needs the latest Iphone. What shocks me and makes me wonder is why any parent would plan to have their 11 year old walk the streets of NYC by themselves.
4
@John
because it's our home. we should teach our kids how to navigate it. stay in California if you think NYC isn't safe (you're wrong by the way; google it)
Can a parenting essay exist without the author taking shots at parents who choose differently for their kids? I'm glad that this mother found her child and is happy with what she chooses for her family. But choosing to give your kid a Smartphone is not a moral failing, and the kids who use them aren't necessarily glued to them, or helpless without them.
28
The simple solution is a $20 or so simple phone that is not a smartphone and a list of phone numbers in a plastic ziplock bag stored separately where they will always be available. A phone number written inside shoes is a great idea for younger children, too. I agree that an internet-enabled smartphone is not appropriate for a 10 to 12-year old, but a phone that is simple a phone can be a life saver. Even when you take the leap to a smart phone, you do not have to suddenly give a 13- or 14-year old unrestricted internet 24/7. You can enable certain functions only like a map program, transit program and so on. I'm glad the author came to the conclusion herself to buy a simple phone, but it does clearly undercut the premise of the article.
4
@IA . Even those cheap phones usually have address books and speed dial, so you can program in lots of phone numbers.
3
This mother is putting her daughter at risk to prove a point. Why not teach her how to use today’s technology responsibly? Mom could make rules such as no cellphone use in the house or limit her phone usage, which is easily tracked online. Not giving her a phone is giving her a false sense of independence.
When I was a kid my mother insisted I have a dime in my penny loafers to make a call in case of trouble. Then there were telephone booths on every corner and bread cost 35 cents a loaf. My grandson returned home from school recently to a house where there had been a lock/key mix-up and he couldn’t get inside in 20 degree weather. Thank heavens he had a cell phone. He was able to solve the problem himself by calling an adult to rescue him.
11
I don’t have kids so I don’t have a horse in this race but I can play out in my mind scenarios for both arguments.
Kids with cell phones can reach out to loved one immediately if plans go off kilter. Or a kid preoccupied with a phone is an easy target for someone with bad intentions....
Regardless of where a parent stands on the cell phone issue all parents need to teach their kids how to react in any situation.
-Kids need to be aware of their location at all times. Do they know the street they are on and the nearest crosswalk?
-Kids need to know the phone number of a parent of guardian by heart. This is especially critical for kids with cell phones who have phone numbers on speed dial.
-Kids need to know who to approach and who not to approach for help. An adult with kids in tow might be a safer bet then an adult sitting in a parked car.
-Kids with phones need to know when not to have their phone out. A kid on a busy street is an easy mark for a person with ill intentions. Kids should know that a responsible grown up would NEVER ask a kid to “borrow their phone under any circumstances.
If your kids cannot deal with duress or function under pressure it makes no difference if they have phones or not. It is vital for you to arm them with as much information as possible to keep them safe when you can’t be with them.
7
Moral of the story: Meet at unique places, not Starbucks. Just the other day I was going to meet someone at this Starbucks, the other person insisted they were inside a Starbucks and that I was late, not them and it took a while to figure out which one of the half a dozen Starbuckses (what's the plural of Starbucks anyway?) within a mile radius was the one we were both in.
Or McDonalds - I thought it's easy, my motel is right next to McDonalds on route abc, then I realized there's more than one so I counted them but after McDonalds #38 I gave up because I got confused. In the end I found my motel because of the unique combination of the order of chain places (First Arbys, then Starbucks, then McDonalds, not any other combination thereof)
3
Ha I was thinking the same thing! Another reason to appreciate unique places.
I’m glad this situation turned out well, but the author’s conduct seems to me rash. Never let principle outweigh common sense. I’ve probably seen too many episodes of Law and Order, but the possibilities in the situation are really frightening, and if the daughter had been able to get the correct address via text from mom, all the anxiety could have been avoided.
7
The best thing a parent, any parent (or caregiver) can do for the child is to instill within them confidence in themselves. That regardless of the situation, from a classroom test to an athletic event to being lost on the streets of New York, the solution to whatever confronts them resides within themselves.
You successfully inculcate this into your child, the ability to trust in themselves, and you can rest easy. You have aced your parental guidance test.
John~
American Net'Zen
5
Her daughter, having proven herself not to need a smartphone, now surely won't get one. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
Being only slightly older I was tasked with getting McDonalds for a long train ride while my parents were minding our luggage. Well, it took longer than expected, I thought I'd make it, but I missed the train by seconds. No one familiar left on the platform - did they leave without me? They had the train tickets too! I looked, I searched, had them called out on the PA system...well, if they aren't here they must be on their way home...luckily I had the change from my McDonalds so I bought another train ticket for myself and hopped in the next train home, while I devoured three McDonalds meals - which is too much and fries are terrible when they are cold. From my home station I called home on the pay phone but no one picked up the phone?! Now I became worried until I heard their voices - oh, there you are but why aren't you already home? Turns out they thought I'd make it, had to decide between luggage and their son (they opted for the luggage) but got off at an intermediate station...realized the futility and headed home. They were rather hungry but I definitely wasn't...
5
@Max . I recommend the book Tales for the Perfect Child by Florence Parry Heide. Particularly the one about the boy who is so clumsy with the dishes that his mother no longer allows him to wash them, entrusting the task instead to his more responsible sister.
4
When my daughter was about 12 I bought her a mobile phone (not a smart phone at that time), and insisted that she have it switched on with the ringer volume up loud enough to hear the phone when it rings, unless she was at school. Priceless peace of mind for me on the odd occasions when she didn't show up somewhere as previously agreed; I could phone and find out what the hitch was. I don't understand why a parent would rather just wait and see what happens. I also don't understand what is virtuous about not using a phone in those situations.
17
People arguing for phones on the basis of "safety" always presume greater safety comes with having a cell phone. Given all the risks involved (including the greater chance of getting hit by a car), I'm not sure I agree.
8
We too delayed getting phones for our kids.
We prepared them to get around Manhattan by themselves, how to take buses, reading maps, going to stores for help, what to do in an emergency etc.
As others have pointed out, people have managed to get around for most of history without phones.
As a PS - last year one of my daughters, a college student, was mugged in Europe near the end of a trip. Her phone was stolen. She was alone at this point of her travels. She managed to complete the trip and get herself home without a phone.
8
@SLM Yes, we got by without phones for a long time. We also got by with antibiotics, too, but why not take the convenience when offered.
Also, the phone doesn't just offer safety. In this situation, it could have provided peace of mind for the author, who would have known much earlier that her daughter was fine.
I can remember when my son was in high school, a while ago, and how happy I was when he could call me to say that the subway wasn't running, but he was going to take a bus, and would be delayed. I was spared the worry
20
I expect that just about every city dweller reading this article who grew up before cellphones (myself included) had easy access to pay phones that could be operated with a dime or a quarter. So, sending an 11 year old out with no phone at all is worse that what we had before the advent of cellphones, because pay phones have gone the way of the Dodo Bird. You can still buy a “dumb” cell phone that makes and receives calls but does little else.
4
@The Judge "Sending an 11 year old with not phone at all is worse than what we had before?" Not true. As it so happens, the old street-side payphone spots in Manhattan have NOT gone the way of the dodo bird. The City turned them into sidewalk kiosks -- from which anyone can make a free 3-minute call. No dime or quarter required. We didn't give our own 11-year-old the leeway to walk part-way home from school on his own until he knew how to find and use the sidewalk kiosks. Smart or dumb, a cell phone can wait a little while longer.
1
Survival Skills, that is what most parents teach their children. What if.... and practice drills. Without technology. You never know when EVEN if you had a phone, it does not work for whatever reason. Think what Scouts learn for basic skills - emergency skills like basic medical information, wilderness skills, identification skills, well, apply this to map reading, memorizing basic information even with younger children, like address, parents and caregivers full names, phone numbers, and how to find a safe place under many situations like fire, weather, or worse 9/11.
5
Why on earth would an 11 year old need a phone to handle "the dark streets of New York"? You simply walk up to any shopkeeper, doorman, or officer on the street and say, "Hey, I'm lost, can you call my mom?". Or does that require a phone app these days?
Even if cellphones had existed when I was that age, my mother would never had allowed me to have one. She was a former Marine Corps telephone operator who handled top secret Pentagon phone lines. And when I was around 8 and we got our first "private phone", she told me to never say anything on a phone that I was not willing to shout at the top of my lungs from the street corner because there was no such thing as a private phone line. She told me the government listens in on all phone calls.
How on earth did the Egyptians built the Pyramids without a smartphone is beyond me.
19
First time I got lost in NYC I was 6 years old, and I was lost on purpose. My parents called the cops, who responded but it seemed to be no big deal. I wandered home around 6pm, surprised at the (small) drama that ensued. I was exploring. It was normal. It was the 1960s.
4
Luckily, my two daughters were raised before mobile phones of any kind were available. They spent most all their time outside playing with their friends. And we spent hours and hours together doing things like hiking, riding bikes and body surfing. When friends or family were over they always joined in the conversation and activities. We never made them feel like kids should be seen and not heard.
I now go visit my in laws who have young teenagers who spend all their time staring into their cell phones. They very rarely join the conversation they aren’t active and if you ask them a question they either don’t hear you or they grunt out a short answer.
I can tell you what decision I would have made if cell phones had been available when my kids were young. Other than a flip phone, the answer would have been a solid no. They wouldn’t have been available for me to enjoy the time I had with them. And that would have been a huge loss.
4
Wrong. I grew up fine in Brooklyn NY in the 60s and 70s without a cell phone BUT there were pay phones that, today, no longer exist. I used to use pay phones all the time to check in at home. Denying a child his or her phone is a safety error.
25
@Bruce Egert
WRONG. there are now free kiosks where you an make free short calls
1
Brilliant story. It shows that a smart kid does not need a smart phone.
My worst nightmares involve losing one of my kids in the street of some big city. I have this recurring nightmare in which I get into a subway car, the doors close, the train departs, and I realize that my son has remained alone on the platform. I have actually asked my son how he would react in this situation, and he has simply said "I'd try to call you on the phone (yes, he has inherited my ancient Iphone 5, refurbished with a new battery) but if it doesn't work in the subway tunnels I'd just wait for you on the platform, you know where you left me and you'd clearly come back with another train". All this while looking at me with a face that says "daddy, this is so obvious, are you serious"? Kids are smart. We still need to be careful with maniacs and kidnappers, but we can trust that our kids are much smarter than we imagine.
5
Good for you. Neither my husband nor I have cell phones, and our lives go along just fine. When I lived in NYC as a child (aged 6 to 11), cell phones didn't exist and I roamed the city by myself, using buses and ferries and subways. I was taught where not to go, what not to do in certain situations. Instead of paying attention to the palm of my hand, I observed life around me, absorbing impressions which became material for my adult work as a journalist and playwright and book author. Again, good for you.
9
Having two daughters myself I can only encourage buying them smartphones in that age. Overall it is net positive. They develop very fast high media usage competence and spent time with friends, sports etc. as of before, one could see where they are (in Germany it‘s normal that they use public transport without company from 7, 8 years onwards), it’s simply practical in plenty of situations. It’s more secure overall, especially for daughters.
12
When I was 11, I would take a bus 45 min into San Francisco, thru skid row to the East Bay terminal. Walk six blocks to a travel agency, deliver 6-12 airline tickets and then get back on the bus for the ride home in time for my little league games. Never missed a delivery.
No phone, no gps, no snack, no juice box, but I did have a map to find office buildings.
Love that story and now have a son in Spain learning to rely on his map skills albeit on an iPhone.
7
Common sense, critical thinking and problem solving skills are the gifts that keep on giving throughout a lifetime. Mobile devices, smart or flip, can be lost, stolen or lose their charge.
Children should be taught all relevant contact information, home address, contact phone number(s), etc. so that they can communicate that information under any circumstance.
As a person living in a more rural area, I support the idea of flip phones for emergencies or checking in but not smart phones. I see people of all ages so engrossed in their “smart phones” that they are completely unaware of their surroundings. Kids (and adults) need to be aware of the people and traffic around them. That is also a safety issue.
8
Families need to do what’s right for them. Our son attended a private school 20 miles away from home and played 4 sports. We had to know where and when to get him, practically everyday. I don’t know what we would have doe w/o cell phones.
6
@Deborah Klein you would have planned ahead — ie spoken with each other in the morning or the night before to confirm where your son would be and to arrange who would meet him where. Kids commuted and played sports and participated in all sorts of after school activities long beofre smart phones and somehow our parents managed.
5
@Deborah Klein
Families managed this just fine in the pre phone era.
3
I broke my hand once with an exposed bone. A broken hand is no big deal. When a bone is exposed, though, minor surgery is needed to prevent infection. There is no trauma and little pain. There is need for a mother to be present while her 10 year old is treated.
This stuff happens all the time to kids who play sports. Mom would have been better off taking care of the other sister. No one hovered over me because of minor surgery. The surgery lasts 20 minutes and there’s nothing for Mom to do but say “You’ll be fine.”
2
I grew up in the 1980s and 1990s with ancient technologies in the eyes of today's teenagers, which I find very funny given that I'm only 37. When I got my first car, a little Toyota Tercel, in 1998, my mom had an enormous car phone installed that was "for emergencies only." I remember getting a flat tire out in the country and using the car phone to page my parents, who then called me back on the phone to get location information for Triple A. The bill was close to $100, but at least I was safe and my tire was changed! I'm glad I grew up when I did, as I know how to use technology when needed, but am not "screened in" all the time, as my kids tell me.
8
I’m a teacher and I recently asked two classes of students their opinion on the proper age to start using cell phones. It was an eye -opener. One class, 33 people, average age 17, one class, 31 people, average age 19. I said, “Knowing what you know now about cell phones and smartphones, imagine you are a parent- at what age would you give your own kids any type of mobile phone?” I figured they would say 11 or 12. Nope, both classes said the same thing, 15 or even 16. I think the key there was asking ‘knowing what you know’. The reality for them of what they knew from their own experience made giving them to their own imaginary future kids at too young of an age seem impossible...even to people still in their teenage years. They weren’t joking either.
30
Kids can be a lot smarter than we give them credit for. My wife and I took our son down the Jersey Shore for a long weekend and went to ride the attractions. He let go of my hand for a minute and squirted off into the crowd. After about 20 minutes of truly scary searching for him my wife went off to find a policeman, and I kept searching. I found him parked at an ice-cream stand we had visited earlier in our trip, munching on a cone and calmly telling the salesgirl who he was and where he lived. He had remembered the place and liked it and figured he would be safe there.
14
In the 1970s and 1980s, my friends and I wandered the City streets on weekends with no thoughts of calling our parents. They didn’t seem to need to reach us either, but let us roam as we pleased. (We were responsible, straight-A students.) We became resourceful, strong, self-reliant adults — that’s a great thing. However, I’m certain that had we told our parents about the dangers that we encountered during our outings, they would not have been so cavalier about it.
23
Thank you so much for writing this! I can't stand it when I see kids walking around with phones, it's one of my biggest pet peeves with society. IMO, children don't need a phone until they reach high school (which here in Australia is around age 12). I think for a lot of parents who get their kids phones before they're 12, it's a dual cop-out of 'all their friends have phones and I don't want to be the uncool parent so I'll get them one too' combined with not wanting to teach them the skills that you mentioned, so they just buy a phone instead. A part it too is just lazy parenting in my view - 'I'll get my kid a phone (or tablet) and that will shut them up when we're out at dinner/have friends over/away on holiday' etc. If you want to give them something to ensure a bit of peace and quiet from time to time, why not give them something that will actually stimulate their mind (word searches, colouring-in books, even just a normal book to read) rather than have them stare at yet another screen for hours on end?
3
Bravo!! I've told my 8-year old daughter she won't have a phone till she's 14 -- which may be longer than when she'll actually get it but my plan is to delay as much as possible. Thank you for sharing your story. I agree wholeheartedly with your approach and conclusions. Kids need to be equipped to make smart decisions in real situations, based on actual circumstances that they can only judge if their nose is not glued to a screen. Love it.
13
Word of advice from a non-parent, but first responder. Tell your kids, smartphone-d or not, if they’re ever in trouble regardless of kind, go to a firehouse or ambulance if they don’t see police... or even if they do, but don’t want to interact.
110
Unless they're Black. Then God help them if they approach a cop.
5
@Ethan
Or, since this is NY City, just scream at the top of your lungs. At the very least you'll get whatever trouble you are in captured by a crowd of watchers of whatever is happening.
1
I am truly grateful to parents who will share honest stories so that we can all learn from each other’s experiences, whatever choices we make for our kids.
39
Before we got a phone for our son, we made our own version of a laminated identification card for him that was always in his pocket (of course boys clothes all have pockets). His picture, our address and phone numbers, health insurance information and separate emergency contact person and number. For him and his carpool classmates who became public transportation buddies, we had an urban skills day where we had fun but also talked about places they could find someone if they needed a helper. For example stores and large hotels that hire security people can be a resource if a police person is not in evidence. That’s a resource depending on your city and neighborhood. And let’s be frank, some kids by gender, race and nationality are going to face different challenges of being vulnerable to harassment or figuring how to approach people for assistance.
34
When I was about 12, I somehow wound up on an A train instead of a D when heading home to the Bronx. I figured it’d be okay because the A goes to 207th St. and the D goes to 205th, which I thought were 2 blocks apart; didn’t realize west and east! I had to ask around until someone put me on the right crosstown bus - got home at least an hour later than I was expected, and my mother wasn’t angry when I explained! This was obviously decades before cellphones and she just said she was proud of me for figuring it out.
68
The article refers to delaying a smartphone (which I understand) but it sounds like all or nothing. A flip phone is a phone and has the uses that are referenced as necessary here(calling the sitter, getting a hold of a parent). I hear parents often conflate smartphones as the only phone options: "I got a smartphone so my child can call me in an emergency." Apples and oranges, smartphone and flip.
42
@Alexis Most smartphones have good lockdown options. Just because your kid has one, doesn't mean they have apps. Reliable texting is extremely useful when delivering addresses, times, or other critical info -- better than voice. My son has an iphone, all he can do is text, check the weather, and read books on Kindle and the nytimes. And Life360 so all the family members can check on each other. Just because you have a phone, doesn't mean total access to social media and the internet.
2
@Alexis Indeed, Alexis, but acknowledging this simple but significant distinction would prevent some readers from indulging in baseless fantasies about how much better the world and its people were decades ago as compared to today.
I guess “OK, boomer,” really is a thing.
2
I have three young adults 25, 23, 20. They didn't get a phone until they turned 18. Which was when they could pay the bill. They went on school field trips, my son went to Washington D.C. twice in 11th and 12th grades. I felt fine because the teachers had phones.
As adults my children think that it was best idea. Mind you, I said now not then. They appreciate the time that I spent actually listening to them and not glued to my phone.
You're absolutely right,"...devices don't make our children safer, we do."
44
@Southern Peach Interesting that your decision was based on whether the children could pay. Why do parenting decisions depend on 'the bottom line'? Is money the only issue here?
1
@Janet Responsiblity is the motivation. My children got money for grades. I noticed that they were wary of spending the money and when they bought something they took care of it.
But if money was the issue, so what? They followed my rules and all three of them were active in extracurricular activities. Today, my kids work and go to school. I'd say my rearing worked out. Wouldn't you?
6
I like that you mention paying the bill! I existed before the iPhone and I can tell you, there is No Way my blue-collar Italian father would have shelled out to put a hundreds-of-dollars-a-pop device in my school-age hands so I could play games and use Snapchat and Instagram (and disseminate duckface photos). No way.
1
I’m glad it turned out well. Most of the time it does. But for that one occasion you wish they had it, it is needed. This isn’t a virtue contest. It’s a child’s safety.
136
I’ve had to use my phone for 911 calls while waiting for urban transport. Once for being harassed by a drunk person and another time while witnessing a beating. Children in an urban setting need a safety line phone. Trust your children and use limits if you need to but don’t just wish for the best. Unfortunately that’s not the society we live in.
7
@Sal What are you talking about? I was a kid and teen in NYC and my single mother worked 60 miles away in New Jersey.
I called her from the reception areas when I arrived at my after school activities. She would call if she was going to be late to pick me up.
There are police officers, transit officers, and municipal employees on every corner in Manhattan. I have real trouble seeing how this could have ended badly because the kid didn't have a phone.
9
@Sal
Reducing the peer dependency fostered by 24/7 communication is also a safety issue.
1
Someday the writer will figure out that the phones are for the parent's benefit more than the child's.
37
A flip phone most certainly is a convenience for parents.
A smart phone is a whole other thing entirely that morphs into nonstop distraction for kids. I applaud the writer.
105
Great story. What a weird world we live in...this shouldn't be newsworthy! A rather ordinary moment in a science fiction world.
16
Impressive. Both you and your daughter handled this admirably. I hope you went by to meet and personally thank the doorman. Definitely another hero in this story.
29
@person Puuulleeese, that's your definition of a definite hero. Simple human kindness done millions of time just in that city alone, keep this small story in perspective.
1
It’s 1949 I’m 10 years old andive just traveled by myself from Jersey walked to the D train on my way to the dentist. I’ve made this trip before, count three stops, get
off, cross Madison Avenue and walk a few feet to the office. But I realize something is not right. Three stops and not my station. I stay on til the last stop , South Ferry. I get off find a motor man, tell him problem and he takes me by the hand gets me to my stop and waves goodbye. I never tell my parents. There were no cell phones. Kids are resourceful.
91
Back in the 80s, I was on a Cub Scout trip when I got separated from the group at a water park. I was maybe 8. I looked everywhere for our chaperones before asking someone who worked there where they were. They had already left without me. I asked where the offices were. I went there and talked to a manager who let me use their phone. It ended up being fine. I got a bad sunburn and I have had many nightmares about being lost, but that’s it.
7
@Ruth Jordan
Or were resourceful, before we infantilized them.
13
That was the simple version of my story. Truth is, it was in a summer camp for scouts with tons of kids who traveled to the water park on school buses, which explains how they were able to leave without me. Also, there were small groups of us younger kids assigned to be chaperoned by 12-13 year olds. Big mistake. The first thing our group chaperone did was ditch us and say take care of yourselves. I spent the whole day looking for that kid. And it has definitely affected me. I have had so many dreams about being lost and needing to find someone/something that it’s ridiculous. My parents strongly considered suing the Scouts, but I didn’t want to do that.
4
Spent several childhood summers going with my dad to his data-processing company in the Mid-Wilshire district of LA and being left in the care of the programmers in the mainframe room. After I bored of playing on the keypunch machine, I’d inform them I was going to the restroom or snack bar several floors away and embark on exploratory adventures that would span the floors of that fabulous Welton Becket high-rise or the blocks surrounding it. I was a precocious, hyper-aware, and ever-curious girl of 9 or 10 with no smartphone and the only computer in my life being the IBM 360 mainframe that powered my father’s business.
I continued that sense of analog adventure well into the ‘90s, before finally getting a cellphone in ‘00, in cross-country road trips with nothing more than a North American atlas, a AAA roadside service card, several rolls of dimes for pay phones, and a book of postcard postage stamps my dad always gave me to remind me to send a few to my parents along the way.
Kids and adults don’t need smartphones though they are handy and I love mine. However, the best things my parents gave me were education, talks about dealing with the world, trips to different places, and the freedom to explore the world on my own, untethered (though they didn’t always know it). I’d never trade my lightly to un-supervised ‘70s childhood summers; it made me the strong, independent, and still curious explorer I am today.
32
@left coast finch Thanks for the Welton Becket shout out! He should be better known.
1
There's an assumption here that if a child has a smartphone, all resourcefulness will go out the window, that they'll turn into a clueless zombie. It's great that resourcefulness was taught to this child, as it should be, but it could still be learned even if the child has a smartphone. And all these comments harkening back to the good old days...ok boomer.
154
@RR
Eh, I don't think that's the assumption. I think the writer is saying, look, you say they "need" a phone for security, but the world is really not as awful as it's made out to be, and they'll be fine.
Therefore, it's okay to forego the distraction machine.
We have phones because we don't have a home phone.
But half the time they're out of battery and the kids use public services (library, school, etc.) anyway.
10
Except, Mr Condescending, in this case it’s evidence, not reminiscence. Before smartphones existed - not long ago - kids managed. Ergo, they don’t actually need them now … no matter how much helicopter parents and whining kids say they need them.
25
@RR I agree, resourceful vs smartphone is a false choice
7
I agree with the author that parents need to foster confidence and independence in their children so they can navigate the world on their own. I disagree that withholding a cell phone is the only or best way to achieve that goal.
71
@Amanda ... and did the author actually state that?
3
My children grew up before smart phones existed and they did fine. Though I think the loss of public telephones, which allowed me as a child to always have a means of communication on any street corner makes it harder than it used to be to get around. Any New York City child with a dime could call home in the 1970s.
So maybe a flip phone that would allow for basic communication is not really much different than readily accessible pay phones, which every child of my era used.
97
I was born in the Bronx and rode the alone on the subway to Coney Island; Yankee Stadium; Shea Stadium etc., before 11 years-old and decades before mobile phones. Today I wish I could silence the cell phones of rude adults even older than I am. You are right. Cell phones are for marketing and consumerism, and have little to do with communication or learning how to become an adult.
22
I love this, and I’m with you! No smartphones needed until at least 8th grade (and even though it’s not needed for crying out loud).

17
Depends what the child is doing. If navigating a city solo, I hardly think a phone is the biggest danger, or that it is wise to withhold. The younger the child, the less experience that child has to draw upon in case of problems. When I was a kid, I could at least find a pay phone — now, there are very few.
9
I think it's so important to teach children to be resourceful and to think! As the writer said, instead of sitting in Starbucks with her nose in a screen, her daughter was assessing the likely reliability of adults around her and working out how to deal with her situation. Kudos to this family!
50
Children ten years and up should be equipped with enough money for a taxi and a subway card. They should be instructed to seek out a police officer if they are lost or fearful.
Parents (probably mom) should take child out for practice runs on subway/bus navigation.
A flip rather than a smartphone is also a good idea. The child at that age should have developed sufficient navigational skills not to require GPS.
23
Why “probably mom”?
1
@scott why “probably mom”?
1
why couldn't the kid have just taken the train home?
4
@Kel --
Because nobody was home to receive her, and mother was in hospital for unknown period of time, possibly overnight.
7
If they didn’t have keys, that may have been a problem.
8
Wow. Great Mom! I wish we could have done the same for our son, now in 7th grade, but he needs a phone for school - his schedule and grades are posted via an app (which we can also access), and his class has an actyve group app that is not only for nonsense.
4
@kc
Bad school. (P.S. I have no ability to judge. I'm illustrating that personal reactions do not make for good advice.)
5
LOL "dark streets of NYC" is just... not true. That city is lit up like a comet.
242
@Jonathan
Yes, it is true. The whole city is not Times Square. There are plenty of dark streets in many areas. And the subway stations can be quite empty at non-peak hours--I know having come within an inch of being assaulted in one. Give your kid a phone.
9
@theresa, yes, even the streets right off Times Square are dark at night. New York is bright from above, not necessarily from below.
1
Yes but why would she deliberately create irrational anxiety by forcing a group watching if the absurd movie Taken? Talk about stoking fear and making those competent kids feel helpless and powerless.
15
@John Kelsey It's a joke.
25
@John Kelsey I live in Florida and frequent the beach. I hear the Jaws theme in my head every time I am in the water. Movies are powerful despite being fairly inaccurate.
And, John, I think she was making a joke.
5
@John Kelsey I agree.
My 11 year old got separated from me and his grandmother at the Chicago Auto Show. Grandma was near hysterical while I told her he was resourceful. He was, he rode 2 city buses after explaining to each driver why he had no bus fare. He beat us home.
106
"In 2004, Carolina Izquierdo, an anthropologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, spent several months with the Matsigenka, a tribe of about twelve thousand people who live in the Peruvian Amazon. ... At one point, Izquierdo decided to accompany a local family on an expedition down the Urubamba River [to gather kapashi leaves]...
"A member of another family, Yanira, asked if she could come along. Izquierdo and the others spent five days on the river. Although Yanira had no clear role in the group, she quickly found ways to make herself useful. Twice a day, she swept the sand off the sleeping mats, and she helped stack the kapashi leaves for transport back to the village. In the evening, she fished for crustaceans, which she cleaned, boiled, and served to the others. Calm and self-possessed, Yanira “asked for nothing,” Izquierdo later recalled. The girl’s behavior made a strong impression on the anthropologist because at the time of the trip Yanira was just six years old..."
[From "Spoiled Rotten" by E. Kolbert in the New Yorker (2012).]
29
@Hockey Guy
if i could repost this a thousand times to all the scared helicopter parent posts, i would. children are as resourceful as we train them to be.
1
What I especially liked was thast you taught your daughter the basics of how to "scope" out a safe person. This is not always reliable as really bad people can conduct themselves as very well intentioned caring people. But she knew enough to go to a secure doorman building, she hopefully knew CCTV was in place also. And the BEST part, the doorman knew your daughter was lost and needed help. And he extended his hand. Sadly there are not that many good people around anymore.
28
@Per Axel
"Sadly there are not that many good people around anymore." I think that is what people have been saying every century, and there's not a word of truth in it.
46
I agree with the author. My son didn't get a phone until 14, and my 10 year-old will have to wait two more years. We've had stories like the author's - not so dramatic, but equally happy endings.
The problems with saying "give them a phone and teach them to use it responsibly" are:
(1) they truly do not develop these resiliency skills if they have a ready crutch. The phone simply solves problems for them.
(2) "using phones responsibly" is not simply something that good parents can teach their good kids. These devises are designed to be deeply addictive. The tech companies have a dog in this fight too, over how and when kids use their phones, and their dog is much much bigger than ours.
The analogy is not with "teaching kids to use the oven" - it's with teaching kids responsible alcohol use. Yes, they need to learn eventually but not at age 12.
61
Sorry, I meant my *12 year old* will be waiting two more years.
4
I am also against a smartphone for young kids but we got my son (8) a Gizmo watch after he fell off his bike while riding it around the neighborhood and was accompanied home by a kindly neighbor (in his shock, he couldn't remember our phone numbers, though someone did offer to call us). This is a good phone-only option--though it also has a tracking option if that's of interest.
5
@Laura Alas, the security on those phones is very poor, so it may not only be you who is tracking your son. An report by a Norwegian consumer protection body found that "the devices have flaws which could allow a potential attacker to take control of the apps, thus gaining access to children’s real-time and historical location and personal details, as well as even enabling them to contact the children directly, all without the parents’ knowledge. Additionally, several of the devices transmit personal data to servers located in North America and East Asia, in some cases without any encryption in place."
4
@Laura when your son is ready for the next level, we got our 13 year old daughter a Gabb phone. I love it. Can call and text only, and it looks like a smartphone, but no wifi on it at all. Genius.
Why didn’t the mother arrange to have the babysitter meet her daughter at the pool, rather than at Starbucks? Was the pool building closing?
24
I hope that at least you thanked the doorman!
9
Sure points to the critical importance of having your children, and yourself, memorize phone numbers. We are all way too dependent on autodial. Batteries run down, phones get lost.
22
@Ellen Sloane - I don't understand auto dial for numbers you call frequently. I want those numbers in my head so I have them with me whether or not my phone is with me and working or it isn't. The only numbers I have in my phones are the ones that I call infrequently and that I have no real reason to memorize.
2
Smart phones is the better way to go. I recently spoke with a Mom who has given her small children I phones. She can tract them on her phone and she knows where they are at all times during the day when they are not with her. It is very useful safety as well as emergency situations. There is nothing wrong with a flip phone we all had them for years but it is great to take advantage of technology as it becomes available to us. I did not even have a computer until 2004. They used to call me Wilma Flintstone. A five year old kid can still blow me out of the water but I love my devices. They are a window on the world. I never leave home without my phone , not so much to talk to people and not miss calls but to be safe if something happens to me. Flip phone works too but this deliberate embrace seems kind of silly to me.
10
@old lady cook - I dunno. I would have hated it as a kid to have known that my mom or dad was tracking me on their phone. I actually always told them where I was going, but, still.... Being tracked is a little too much oversight.
23
Far too many disadvantages to smartphones. Keep them reading and developing critical thinking skills. That is what will serve them well.
5
@Annie As long as the kids can track mom and dad I think its totally fair. Which we do.
1
You should get her a Light Phone! It is modern but simple, which sounds like what you are needing. Your child seems to have great critical thinking skills, probably due to your decisions about smartphones.
3
@Elizabeth I think this is an example of correlation, not causation.
2
Wonderful opportunity for the child to step up and figure out how to keep herself safe. I would not buy her a flip phone. She clearly knows how to find a phone and get in touch.
I am a mom too, and I would be scared if my kid got lost, but let's face it - Midtown is busy but swarming with police and people who will help if asked. Putting parental anxiety first can't be the priority of parenting.
16
When my youngest brother was 7 years old, there was a mix-up at home and he was not picked up from his elementary school, which was 15-20 mins away by car. My father was out of town and my mother was at work. It was my oldest sisters, then 16 and 15, who were in charge of taking care of their 3 younger siblings when my parents weren't around.
Before anyone realized my brother was missing, he walked in through the front door. When asked how he made his way home, he nonchalantly said he took a taxi. In disbelief, we, his neglectful older sisters, pressed him for how he managed this. He simply said that he grew tired of waiting for one of us, so he hailed a taxi cab and gave the driver our home address, which he had been taught to memorize along with the home phone number.
When we went outside to pay and thank the taxi driver, he was no longer there. He had already driven away. He had driven my brother home knowing he wasn't going to be reimbursed. (We were thinking the primary reason he helped my brother was he had children of his own.)
While this story raises many questions and concerns, especially how this could've gone very wrong, etc., with the proper tools and teaching, children as young as seven can be surprisingly resourceful.
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@maya
Exactly. Children should memorize their address and their parents' phone numbers. They should also know their parents' names, not just Mom and Dad. NYC parents who bring their children on subways and buses should also instruct their children what to do if they become separated from parents while in transit. Knowing the subway and bus map and how to get home are helpful as well.
22
@maya
Cool story, except that it is actually illegal for taxi drivers to pick up unaccompanied minors. For a reason.
To each their own. Our kids 17 and 14 get a flip phone when they start driving. And can buy their own smartphones if they want when they are 18. They each have their own computers at home and each have portable tablets that they’ve been trained to use responsibly ( if spouse or I find a tablet on the floor or in other banned places they lose it for specified amount of time ). So far our plan of not raising zombies is going well. If the situation changes then so will we as needed. I feel fortunate both children are happy to spend time outside than playing games inside on a screen. I’m sitting here about to hit the submit button and thinking of my sisters kids who get smartphones at age 12 and I can’t help but think “ Of course, I’d want them to have something I could track as well!” Simply because while they are smart kids they seem to lack common sense. The youngest has no problem just walking away from whatever group she’s in. It’s maddening. So yeah. To each their own.
10
@Mika
There is a lot to be said for "To each their own." instead of judging others.
joyinbooks-No.CA
I grew up in NYC in the late 50's and 60's, no cell phones, what it taught me was self reliance and most important RESOURCEFULNESS. Sure there were weirdos on the subway, and not sure about how to locate addresses once i emerged yup no GPS, but i survived very well thank you and i believe it had equipped me to travel abroad at a relatively young age. I'd do the same for my pre-teens and let them learn from experience as it can be confidence building.
22
Would be a good idea if your kids knew how to navigate without a smartphone or flip phone even if they have a phone. What if they lost it?
19
Love this! High five from another anti-smartphone mom. Kids can survive and are capable of a childhood free of smartphones!
115
Anti-Phone or anti-Smartphone? Data and apps being the difference.
1
Amen Mom. As an educator, I’m tired of seeing my students addicted to their devices. The youth of today need to learn how to speak not text. Good job mama Birmingham.
71
@Laura
Texting requires excellent communication skills as well. It teaches everyone children as well as adults how to communicate in a clear and concise way and get to the point. It also saves time and eliminates a lot of useless chitchat especially in transactional business communications.
4
@old lady cook
what this teacher is referring to is the ability to communicate with a person face-to-face; something that is lost if your face is buried in a phone.
1
Thanks for this great post! Loved it! SO grateful for this message being spread. I wanted to share with Micaela that there are thankfully now some great smartphone alternatives on the market - including some that are even cooler than flip phones but still provide the limitations! Here are some options: https://www.westartnow.org/blog/2019/12/11/christmas-list-smartphone-alternatives that there are some
7
@Tracy Thanks for the suggestions!
I cannot like this enough - probably because it reflects my own decision-making as a parent.
We allowed our girls to walk to/from school starting at age 9. The walk is over a mile, on sidewalks, and includes a crossing guard. We are within spitting distance of DC, so not quite NYC but also not Mayberry. And neighbor after neighbor after friend said my girls needed phones.
No. A phone will not make them safer. Acquiring street smarts, walking "aware", knowing where to go for help etc. That makes them safe.
My eldest got a phone at age 12 and my youngest is waiting breathlessly for her phone. I only wish we had held off longer.
45
I have a 13 an 11 year old with no phones (and a 6 year old). I sometimes wonder about my decision, but they are both just fine - they both have friends and are invited over to other kids' houses all the time so I don't think it is a social/exclusion problem yet. I applaud the Birminghams because it must be tough to have kids in NY and not give them phones. It is tough where I live and I do second guess my decision sometimes.
10
deep breath---this has happened 1000's of times in NYC (i was one of those children) from the 1600's to the 1990's---the people that can/will assist are endless---police person/shop owner/cab driver/ bus driver---children have ALWAYS been MUCH more resourceful than we give them credit for :)
342
@arturo
This turned out because they were in NYC, actually, where people expect kids to be independent thinking enough to know what to do.
There are snippy little towns in America where whomever the little girl found and asked to use the phone would have called child protective services or the cops because they would say the parent was a bad parent.
Doormen are actually terrific trustworthy people who know how to handle many unexpected incidents including lost children.
16
@arturo
When I first visited NYC in the 1980’s I was intimidated myself by the Big Apple and then shocked to see eleven year olds traveling about alone. When I spoke of this to family they pointed out that at that same age I was trusted to go wandering miles across the countryside and in the swamp with a .22 rifle alone with no one even knowing where I was at. The point is that kids are resourceful and can be taught to be safe in whatever environment they are raised in.
13
I think an 11 year old doesn't need a smartphone, but a "dumb" phone with no internet connection such as a flip phone is a good idea. In "the old days", we had pay phones everywhere, but no more, so for kids to call home it's a lot harder without a phone. My kids are 13 and 15 and perfectly happy with their "dumb phones", they can call anytime and they can text with parents and friends. Really all they need.
511
@V
Exactly correct. The world has changed since the days of pay phones, and sending a kid out with no means of communication whatsoever is not smart. Just because everything turned out OK this time doesn't mean it will next time.
21
@V Sure, payphones are mostly a thing of the past, but phones have actually gotten far more ubiquitous than they were when we were kids. As long as a kid knows how to find an appropriate grown-up to ask for help (we recommend that our kids find a mom or dad, since doormen aren't common where we live), they should never have any difficulty finding a way to contact their parents.
15
Good job, mom. People got along fine without smartphones for many years. You are raising a competent kid who pays attention to the world around her, just like we used to do before we became attached to these devices.
27
This all-or-nothing approach is ridiculous. My son has a phone with Wikipedia, Google Maps, Kindle and a dozen other educational and productivity apps. No games. No social media. IM with family only. He uses it responsibility and is in no way addicted to it.
You're missing an opportunity to provide your children with a window to the world and valuable preparation for their futures.
237
But if the kid had a phone, mom would miss the opportunity to be sanctimonious! Goodness me.
415
@Barry I am a teacher and one of the things my students love to brag about is how they got around all those limitations their parents set on their phones. On the plus side, they are aware that their attention spans are terrible. They are aware that they are addicted and that it's a problem. If the author's children have laptops, they have the 'window on the world' you mention just not in their pockets 24/7 so that there's an alternative to the zombie addiction that I see in class. Learning to use a smart phone takes about 6 minutes so they can 'prepare for their futures' pretty quickly at some later date. Meanwhile some of my students can't concentrate long enough to read a page.
103
That’s what you think. Kids do tech things behind your back to keep up with the other kids. You’ll never know.
17
Clearly the child was taught well by her parents and she handled the situation perfectly. The child didn’t freak out because she didn’t have a phone. Good on you mom and daughter.
28
I might be missing something here but it seems like the entire situation could’ve been avoided if the sitter met up with her daughter at the pool instead of at Starbucks?
181
@Ang The sitter was called at the last minute and on her way to pick up the child of the other family so meeting in the middle was the idea.
13
@Ang -sometimes pools close and kids have to leave.
3
It’s a sad state of affairs when people are upset that a mother is teaching her child how to be self reliant. There was a time when smart phones didn’t exist. Remember when people actually spoke? And you had to find your way from point A to point B? Kudos to this mom for teaching her child that she has a brain and the skills to figure things out on her own. Maybe we’d be better off if we stopped replacing our brains with smart phones. Just a thought!
140
And don’t they get defensive when you point it out.
Because Parents are addicted to phones.
I went through this in the 90’s when I raised my children without TV for several years. Didn’t the other moms get defensive if I talked about it. “MY children JUST watch TV a little”. Or “they could learn so Much from Animal Planet”. Not as much as if they spent the same amount of time Reading about animals.
I could almost write their script I heard it so often. Finally I just quit saying it. It’s all just rationalization to make themselves feel better about what they are doing for their own convenience. Parking kids in front of the tv/phone.
22
@Alison I agree. The only reason for a flip phone is that the rise of cell phones has been met with a severe reduction in the number of pay phones on the street.
13
@Alison Good or bad, whatever, but it's not self-reliance. The girl has to borrow one of those horrible phones wherever she goes in order to contact her parents.
And she *couldn't* find her way from point A to B — if she could, she wouldn't have to head to the Starbucks to have another person watch over her. You know, these smartphones have maps. With turn-by-turn navigation, even. Maybe if the daughter had one of those, she could have successfully figured out how to get to her mom.
Maybe we'd be better off if we accepted technology for both its limitations and uses. Just a thought, though...
7
I agree with your parenting style and it reminded me of one of my favorite NewYorker cartoons.
A couple is sitting having coffee-the caption reads. “Are we in this Starbucks or the one down the street?”.
65
Our kids use "classic phones" (aka "dumb phones" or flip phones) until they're 14. Works for us too...
20
Off topic.
Is there any modern city on Earth where a young person of this age could reasonably and safely use the public transportation system to get home or to a friend's home?
Tokyo? Helsinki? Berlin? London? Montreal?
2
@David Hoffman coolpad - I watch it daily in NYC. Young kids on the Subway alone or with other kids. It worries me, but then I remember that I did it too at that age and in a far more dangerous era. I think it comes down to parenting and confidence. Certainly not for all kids.
16
@David Hoffman coolpad
Yes.in fact, as a New Yorker, I'm completely befuddled that this story was published. There's literally 200,000 New York City middle-schoolers who ride the train solo, every single day. I mean, the NYC Transit allows children above the age of 8 permission to use the system alone and the Department of Education gives free metro cards to children as young as second graders, to commute by themselves. Roughly 0 of these young commuters we see every single day, ever have a problem or have their mom writ a NY Times piece about it. I'm loving reading these comments about how exceptional this writer's kid is.
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@David Hoffman coolpad
I mean... Seattle and several of the suburbs. You can walk and/or ride. It's not that hard, and our public transport is way behind that of many cities on the East Coast.
1
Kudos for teaching your daughter how to navigate life without a phone.....worked for decades before!
12
@Fancy Francie "Kudos for teaching your daughter how to navigate life without a phone.....worked for decades before!"
Actually, the kid had to borrow a phone from the doorman.
11
@Michael Yes, you're right. I don't know why more people don't comment on that--and in a very expensive building too. I think the daughter needs a transit farecard and a set of housekeys. Comment on the flip phones: I am guessing these are older 3G models. The newer major-carrier flip phones all connect to the real Internet, although it can be turned off.
2
I had a similar situation when my daughter was around 9. I had dropped her off for a church event, but I didn't know the event had been cancelled. Because I was illegally parked, I drove off as she headed for the door. Well, the church was all locked up, but I drove off. She didn't have a phone yet (I held off until middle school). She had the common sense to go next door to the florist. We had visited the florist in the past, so she sorta knew the people and they her. But, the florist was closed. So, she went a little further down the street passing various options until she got to the local CVS. She then decided they were the most trustworthy option and asked to use their phone. She first called mom who looked at the caller ID that said CVS and let it go to voicemail. She then called me (yes, she had memorized both our cellphone numbers). I was wondering why CVS was calling my cellphone, but answered the phone anyway. Only 5 minutes or so had elapsed since I had dropped her off. I go back to pick her up and end of story.
Of course, besides the "Everyone else has an iphone!" reason (they all didn't, include her best friend), she'd rub that situation in my face as well. "Remember when you abandoned me in town? Would have been better if I had a cellpphone." I did get the iphone eventually, because I wanted GPS tracking. I don't think any "dumb" phones back then had that capability.
8
I think you should be very proud of yourself for raising an 11 year old who knew how to get herself out of a sticky situation and evaluate the situation. I knew you'd get criticized from the scaredy cat mothers out there who think their children are too stupid to figure out a solution. I worry about the future. We're raising cripples.
20
Get her a Gizmo!
1
I think that real concern here is having your 11 year old wandering NYC alone.
16
@Chelsea --
Walking two blocks from swim practice to Starbucks isn't exactly wandering. And, to be honest, I have generally felt more comfortable "wandering" around urban areas where the odds of finding a helpful, kind person are pretty high.
62
@Chelsea Seriously? Look outside any NYC middle school around 2:30pm and you will see 11 year olds "wandering" alone -- to the bus stop, to home, to friends houses.
Kids are not as helpless or dumb as we tend to view them.
32
Any consideration for the babysitter trying to help? Not only was she inconvenienced at least an extra 45 minutes but she had to deal with the stress and anxiety of not knowing where the kid was for which she was now responsible. So the author gets to feel superior at the expense of others.
416
@D Wow, what a negative take on the entire read.
The mom was self-congratulating herself in a funny way - clearly mocking herself for feeling smug about her organizational/logistic skills.
I am sure the mom apologized profusely to the sitter. Why would you assume otherwise?
56
@D Well, it's not like the babysitter is a real person, right?
14
@D Everyone's a critic. Good grief.
14
You're doing a great job! All my kids got to the end of high school with no smartphone, only a flip phone. You will be so glad you stuck to this policy. And you will notice the difference in your kids, starting about 10th grade. Theory of mind will emerge earlier than their smartphone obsessed peers. Your kids will just be happier, more at home in their own skin, more independent. All my kids, (the youngest is 18 so we are just out of high school) are so glad we had this family policy. Really. Still astonishes me that I got away with it. They regard it as the most influential of all our parenting practices in the family. They all have smartphones now. And yes, we had kids who got lost in middle/high school without a smartphone and they did exactly what your daughter did. Kids' are so resourceful and New Yorkers are wonderful about helping a kid. My kids said their policy was to ask a friendly looking mom who had kids if they could call me. It always worked. And guess what you get when your kid takes the subway without a smartphone? Just really great human interest stories that your kids witness, and really pay attention to on the subway coming up at the dinner table. The things my kids noticed about people on the subway... Really great stories. My kids also had lovely friends with smartphones and their friends parents were very vigilant about the phones...so it is possible to raise a kid sensibly with a smartphone...but I do think it is getting harder and harder.
28
Thank you, Micaela Birmingham and your husband, for raising your daughters with care, communication, and a lot of common sense!
It's rare to find parents who can draw a line in the sand, as with the issue of cell phones, and then maintain that boundary as you and your husband have done - and in the process, your daughters are BETTER equipped to handle the world, and they seem to feel quite secure about engaging with everyday life. Your trust in them is well-placed, and that gives them the confidence to know they don't need to go along with the crowd on this or other issues. This is all very much to the credit of ALL of you, as a family.
I only wish there were more parents like you.
16
I'm not sure why the device has to be screen less. An old/extra iphone without a cellular connection could receive texts and emails as long as it's connected to wifi, like the wifi at Starbucks.
6
Why does it have to have a screen?
When I was 11, I carried a dime in my loafers or pocket so I could use it to make a phone call in case of an emergency. Where exactly is one to find a pay phone in this day and age? I remember sitting in my car as a child while my father walked off to find help when our car broke down. We have technology available to keep ourselves safe and in touch. There are also phones that limit options available to users. One extreme is no better than the other. My kids had flip phones and chose to use them exclusively until they were in their early twenties.
44
@Maia Brumberg-Kraus I think flip phones are a pain to text with. Texting seems to be a dominant way of teens and adults communicating these days.
PS: When I initially had a cell phone, I couldn't understand why the Europeans were using text. It unhooks you from a distracting verbal conversation, and it's more private.
2
@Peter Lindner And it was cheaper, whereas actually calling was limited and expensive. No wonder everyone got hooked on texting.
I used a flip phone until 2016. I found it easier to text with because you could feel the buttons and didn’t need to be laser-focused on the screen.
It is irresponsible in this day and age to have a middle schooler walking alone without a flip phone to summon help. I am glad your kid had a level head and only encountered good guys. I manage many of the same logistics you mention and the kids feel empowered with the phone to get support when they need it. They also solve some logistical problems on their own, but why deprive them of such a powerful tool?
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@Busybody Hi Karen! You sound exactly like the kind of people who buzz around their children like a helicopter.
23
@Busybody --
Why is it irresponsible for a middle schooler to walk around without a phone?
This is such a strange thing to say. It's as if you and others have forgotten that carrying a cellphone has only been commonplace, if that, during this century. I didn't have one until 2010!
50
I agree with you. More virtue signaling going on here than common sense? Mix ups happen. A basic phone has none of the disadvantages of a smart phone, while at the same time offering an emergency connection to a child’s key adults. I don’t see why a kid can’t learn independence and resourcefulness while also having the practical reassurance of a phone. I think this article makes a false argument that it’s one or the other. My son was the first kid in his 6th grade class to get a phone because we wanted him to be able to wander in the woods where we live but also able to contact us should the need arise. This is because we had bears and he had in fact gotten in between a sow and her cubs once.
27
As a former educator of high school students, I was continually surprised to discover that basic, supposedly common sense customs were no longer intuitively understood and practiced by my students who came of age during the era of the smart phone.
Many mornings and lunch hours, alone in my fully lit classroom, no one inside visible thru the window in the door, students would simply turn the knob to my classroom door, discover it locked (as it always is, a safety precaution in today’s world) and simply walk away. They never thought to knock on the door and call my name. I realized that in their world, every arrival to a meetup was announced via text. “I’m outside,” or “Okay, here.”
I was always available, yet they never thought to knock. How did this come to be? What am I missing here?
34
@Myraelen Even more remarkable that, after this happened repeatedly, the student's teacher never thought to put a sign on the door saying "Door Kept Locked for Security. Feel free to knock!"
39
maybe they were being polite and didn't want to disturb you.
piling on teenagers and students sometimes is too easy.
perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt.
30
I agree with the above comment. Give them some benefits of the doubt. They could’ve thought you locked the door for a reason and didn’t want to disturb you. Otherwise why would you lock your door when you knew students would want to see you anyway?
12
Yes and yes!! I’m so glad she was safe! Great advice for parents!
4
I agree with holding off on smart phones and screens for as long as possible. I’ve worked with kids in the same age range and most did not have smart phones or screens. On the rare occasion we used iPads, the classroom was silent. But on the days we didn’t have screen time? They talked to each other. They played outside. They used their imagination with Lego’s, blocks, and art supplies. It’s important to preserve that.
However, I was relieved to see in the end she compromised with a “retro” flip phone. I was an anxious kid. I hated the feeling of never knowing when mom’s car would finally pull up to the school (she was often late) Yes, people have organised school pick ups and schedule changes for years before cell phones. But technology brings a sense of comfort and safety for both parties in these type of scenarios. And giving them a cell phone doesn’t mean all other teachable moments or common sense practices are off the table. You can have both.
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@Anonymous
As an anxious kid, you would have benefited from a phone. Other children, with different personalities, may benefit from not having a phone. Please don't generalize too much, even if you still tend to be anxious.
3
@Anonymous - "I was an anxious kid. I hated the feeling of never knowing when mom’s car would finally pull up to the school (she was often late)"
Yes, it might have provided comfort and a sense of security, but what would it have taught you about dealing with anxiety and insecurity as an adult when there was no one to call?
10
As a mother and long time school nurse, I don't even know where to begin.
I feel for these girls who feel left out bby not having technology and feeling powerless in case of an emergency. What if the child simply wants to touch base with her parents for a question or reassurance ? Does the benefit of the Scary Mommy feeling that she is winning a power struggle over allowing her kids to have a cell phone supersede her children feeling safe in a very large and unstable city ? And at night in the dark ? Does she not read the news ?
What about the benefit of parents being able to locate their children simply to make sure that they have reached their destination ?
I agree with the above comment that making your children feel excluded is way worse than whatever you feel a cell phone will do to them..these are often children who grow up to be teens that need to lie to get by in this technology and media based world.
53
@Lisa --
Where do you see that the child felt powerless? She calmly went to a well lit apartment lobby and called her mother after waiting a while at Starbucks. None of that sounds particularly scary to me.
I would suspect most of us parents of tweens and teens are 40+ (not all, most) and navigated the big bad world without any phone or device.
I would worry about a young person who feels powerless or helpless without a gadget. How did anyone survive before the advent of google maps, find my friends, texting, and social media? Also, tracking software (find my friends etc) is super scary - way scarier to me than waiting for a confirmation phone call after a loved one makes it from Point A to Point B.
73
@Lisa oh good lord. Her daughter was NOT powerless. She wasn't even afraid. She took care of it and this situation built her confidence.
Your fear-based parenting is one reason we've raised a generation of anxious incompetent teens who have been taught by paranoid fearful parents that they're incompetent boobs. They're afraid because you are afraid. Stop being terrified and grow up.
Micaela is teaching her kids to solve problems and be aware of their surroundings. You're teaching your kids that they are emotional cripples who can't be at all different from their friends and are too stupid to solve a problem. Have fun bailing them out for the rest of their lives.
74
@Lisa: Are you kidding? You equate not having a cell phone as a child with growing up to be a teenage liar? And "feeling left out" is too horrible to tolerate? Please don't insult young people that way.
As a female who survived to adulthood in NYC without a cell phone, there is so much wrong with your view of this that I don't even know where to begin! But I'll start with your decision to label NYC an "unstable city" - where did you get that from? Are you paranoid?
I feel bad for anyone who is dependent on a cell phone - and I see these people all around me: they can't find an address without using the map on their phone or calling someone for help, even when LOOKING up and around would orient them. They *could* even ask another person on the street for directions - but in your view, that'd be too dangerous!
The daughter in this story clearly DIDN'T feel "helpless" or "powerless" at all. In fact she was, by reason of how her parents have raised her, aware & alert & able to advocate for herself.
"What if the child simply wants to touch base with her parents for a question or reassurance?" To me, that means the child is the sad product of helicopter parenting.
I and many BILLIONS of people around the globe made it to adulthood without needing to phone mommy for reassurance. If we had questions, we asked them before we left the house OR we asked an adult who seemed like a reasonable choice, as the daughter in this story did with the doorman.
83
It appears that the core of the justification to not get a smartphone is addictive distraction. This point is confirmed by the mom getting a flip phone for her child. This comment proves the lengths individuals will go to rationalize controversial behaviors in an attempt to avoid the true explanation and render the conduct consciously tolerable or deserving of admiration. A smartphone permits parents to rightly so, locate their child as long as the child is in possession of the device and parents can apply restrictions by monitoring and limiting screen time. Admittedly, I cannot determine if it’s intelligence or instinct that drove the child to go to a completely unknown building lobby to use the door-man’s phone (by no stretch of the imagination am I implying that this child is not intelligent). The true finesse of the art of parenting is the ability to extract the benefits of technology while instilling values in children. At the end of the day, we may just be postponing the inevitable, but why not instill values along the way? Technology is not the boogeyman and we should stop this self-deception and take the time to educate our children on its age appropriate uses. I am glad that this door-man was kind and helpful and take this opportunity to thank him.
30
@AJ
Parents can track where their child's phone is....not where their child is.
And yes, technology that dominates, enthralls and surveils is the boogeyman.
5
@AJ
I read the whole comment and do not know whether you are praising or criticising the mother.
3
Navigating the real world: a basic skill of life, especially in the big city. Good job, mom and kid!
156
The kid did everything right, and guess what - the mom did too. This is what we all learned to do pre cell phones. Bravo mom - don't let the Tsk Tsk give them a computer in their pocket crowd get to you! Teaching independence and resilience is being thwarted by our kids and they are ending up in college not able to function because they are never given the chance to figure out situations for themselves. We do our world a great disservice this way.
308
Better idea: Designate one of your old smartphones the family emergency phone. If you don't have a landline anymore (many/most people don't), the kids can use the phone to reach you in case of an emergency at home when you're away, e.g., their elderly babysitter becomes unconscious while you and your spouse are having date night, etc. You can also give that phone to the kid you can't actually be with at some away-from-home function, such as swim practice.
5
@Rupert Not having a landline is a big reason to have a cell phone for your kids. I'm going to have to make a decision about that soon.
Making your kids feel excluded is way worse for them than whatever you think a phone will do to them.
45
@Michael I think it has a lot to do with what other ways the parents are 'depriving' their children in middle and high school. When my son was 16 and working, he saved enough money to buy a TV for his bedroom. When he was told that in our house we had one TV in the den (to be shared by three people) and that TV did not belong in the bedroom -he said he could buy it anyway, all his friends had TV in their rooms, etc. My response that it would be dropped out the window to the pavement was met with howls of dismay. On his college graduation day he thanked me for not allowing him to have a TV in his bedroom. Kids may feel excluded or be excluded for many reasons. There are also good reasons for not following the crowd.
182
@Michael: That is so wrong it's pathetic. If this is how you're raising your children, you are doing them a major disservice on many levels.
32
@mary
That may be, but making your kid stick out like s sore thumb so you can congratulate yourself on being a Better Parent Than Thou is not one of them.
I assure you I have never gone back to my mother and thanked her for not letting me ride my bike outside of the yard until junior high because it kept me safe.
14
a smartphone with a map function would be a wiser choice.
if a 16 y/o can drive a car, i think an 11 y/o can be trusted with a phone.
Have faith in your kids to make intelligent phone usage choices with your guidance.
Having a phone is no safety guarantee, but it can be a decent liferaft sometimes.
Glad your daughter is safe (i wouldn't advocate walking into random apartment buildings.....Epstein-esque would stink).
Glad too you're willing to get her a phone.
5
@dw: The daughter didn't NEED a phone with a map function - she needed the brains she has, and the ability to ask a reasonable adult for help, just as she did with the doorman. And if you see Jeffrey Epstein as being behind every door - and especially if you think that's what all doormen in NYC are like - then I think you need some counseling.
33
all it takes is one. I'd rather my daughter ask for help in a crowded Starbucks.
Have a nice midnight central park run or do you need counseling?
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@dw: Sorry, anyone whose thought is that there's someone sinister & Epstein-esque possibly lurking EVERYWHERE in NYC is someone who is not dealing in the known reality of NYC. (Which, of course, is also why you'd mention a midnight Central Park run.)
Yes, it only takes one - one good person out of the MILLIONS of GOOD people in NYC - to help a young girl. And THAT'S what did happen, not the nightmare/horror-movie scenario you are invoking.
Anyone whose first thought is to try to scare others with unlikely possibilities is a person who could use a reality-check with a qualified professional.
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Mother is trying to hard to prove her point. This story could have ended really bad... Teach your kid how to use technology responsibly.
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@Al F ...nailed it. They problem is not the cell but irresponsible/dependence behavior with it. Better to teach them control than not deal with it at all. Do you let them use stove or microwave?
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@Ace so different. Kids don't get addicted to a stove or microwave. Unfortunately, this kind of technology is beyond parental "control". They are teenagers. Some of them have temperaments that are amenable to this kind of technology, some will become dependent. Mom knows that in a few years, she will have no say in what kind of technology they have or use-they'll need to because of school and work. But they at least were able to have their developmental years unfettered with the kinds of distractions and easy ways out of social and logistical problems that smart phones bring. People used to make fun of the family of kids I went to highschool with because they weren't allowed to watch TV. The kids were a little weird. But they went to Harvard and Yale, respectively, and are quite well adjusted.
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@Al F
I agree that the writing is awful - too cute by half - but come on. EVERY story can end really badly. Is that the bubble within which you want to live your life? I can’t imagine a safer place for a kid who’s alone and needs help than New York City. Can you imagine New Yorkers NOT helping? I can’t.
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Teaching common sense is important regardless of whether or not a child has a smart phone. Kids learn about finding helpers and other moms in tricky situations but parents need to go a step further and teach what might seem obvious to adults but maybe not to kids who are kept on very short leashes. This child did a great job, perhaps because she had already problem solved for her phone less self.
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