How times change! Or, to put it another way, back then, how could we have thought that that was OK?
In 1967, with a freshly minted MBA on my resume, I accepted a job offer from an excellent Fortune 100 corporation.
After one week of general orientation in my home office, I drove several hundred miles to Atlanta, where I was to begin a two and a half months training program. (Did I mention this was 1967?)
We had a class of approximately 30 trainees, all of whom were assigned rooms at the Albert Pick Motor Inn. It was a totally acceptable (and totally ordinary) two-story establishment where exiting your room put you either at the edge of the driveway, on the first floor, or on the second floor, on a concrete balcony overlooking said driveway, and a modest swimming pool.
I checked in and went to my room where I met my roommate-to-be, the stranger with whom I was to share a bathroom and 3 feet of clothes hanging space for the next 10 weeks.
It turned out OK. While he and I never became best buddies, we got along amicably, sharing cramped quarters and a Styrofoam ice chest where we stored soda cans and milk and orange juice — no such thing as a fridge or coffee machine in the room.
Come to think of it, the experience probably stood me in good stead when 10 months later Uncle Sam interrupted my employment and I reported to boot camp, basic training at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri.
17
@George Roberts C. You are a man who was paired with a man. That's the point.
46
@Wodehouse That are a lot of straight men who would have concerns about being paired with men they don't know, for obvious reasons. If you are dismissive of their concerns, then you should be equally dismissive of the LW's concerns.
12
@Wodehouse
>” You are a man who was paired with a man. That's the point.”<
Actually, there are several points.
On the principal point that the woman was requested to share a room overnight with a man, frankly I’m surprised that there’s any discussion at all. It should be perfectly clear to all that that is ridiculous, outrageous, unconscionable. Period. Full stop.
Second, there is the question whether “in this day and age“ employees traveling on business should expect to have a room to herself/himself.
Third and fourth points: whether you have to share your personal space with a complete stranger and for how long.
Since you both work for the same company you’re likely safe assuming that your surprise roommate won’t have a festering wound or communicable disease, or be an ax murderer — no guarantee that they won’t have personal habits that range from annoying to disgusting.
But even in the worst case of an obnoxious roommate, it’s something you endure for a night or two and then you’re back to the private comfort of your own home.
But these days, expecting an employee away from home to share a confined space with a “stranger“ for ten weeks would be a crime. That’s not “sharing a room“, that’s living together — and there are MARRIAGES that don’t last that long!
34
In the early 90's, I was sent to assist with integration of a newly acquired division. My boss arranged for us to stay at a budget motel, some distance from the worksites. We were doubled up, two (F/F) to a room, except for boss (she claimed to not want to disturb us with her snoring). The motel included a free breakfast consisting of packaged muffins (one per customer) and coffee. She further allotted us $7/day for lunch and $20 for dinner.
After a week or so of this arrangement, and a few days before we were to go home, employees from another department arrived for their part of the integration. They stayed at the fanciest hotel in town, and enjoyed lavish dinners, provided they stayed within the company daily limit of $125 (easy to do in 1992).
Boss was livid when we dared to complain, and more so when her big boss agreed with us that there was no reason for us to not stay at the nicer hotel. She received a nice bonus that year for her excellent work in cost control and expense reduction.
48
I flew to a meeting on my clients private turbo prop. Then he had me share a room one of his execs. When we went to bed he offered me his Playboy magazine.
8
I loved Mr. Galanes's solution to the first social question about a woman sharing a hotel room with a male colleague.
Aside from his very reasonable and logical solution to the woman's discomfort, I am appalled that a business or company would even ASK a woman (or a man for that matter) to share a room with a person of the opposite gender.
Unbelievable to me. Holy Liability-Waiting-To-Happen Batman! Talk about a wacko policy. The boss should have his/her head examined. . .
48
“My younger brother is 26. Should I tell Mom?”
Grow up.
23
AP - Agreed. Sorry Philip, you are seldom wrong, but the employee should not offer to pay for the hotel room for a business trip. The company is just wrong.
41
Are you kidding me? in an era of #metoo this company's decision just smacks of thoughtless male privilege as well as bad risk management. your advice should have been to point out how inappropriate it all was and find a good lawyer if she needed help. asking her to pay out of pocket was not the right move.
33
Share a room with a co-worker of the opposite sex?! Run for the hills!
22
To the soon to be new homeowner: try living by yourself for 6-9 months and see if you prefer that. You'd have the option of a guest bedroom or a home office...plus guaranteed peace and quiet and the freedom to wander around in whatever state of dress is comfortable. I actually think living by yourself is an invaluable life experience for every young person, if possible.
12
Many years ago a co-worker and I we called to testify in a civil lawsuit on very short notice on a distant city. Due to the rushed nature of the summons and conflicts with other local events, our travel department could only find one hotel room in close proximity to the court. Since we were both Middle Ages men with precious experience sharing a room (him in the Army, me in college), it wasn’t a big deal. However - share a room with a member of the opposite sex, no way. It’s hard to imagine a company would sanction this under any circumstance, given the possible liability issues had anything gone wrong (or not even wrong)!
18
Room sharing on business trips? No. Just no not ever for any reason. I cannot believe in the era of #metoo and #timesup that ANY company would think this a good idea, and any employee would accept it. I agree with other commenter who said the company should either leave some people behind, or find a cheaper accommodation.
And the employee should NOT offer to pay for the right to have her own room. In this instance the company should pony up the $ and the employee should start looking for another employer.
37
Bravo re: forced room sharing on business trips! So many companies do this, and I've always thought it was unprofessional, not to mention stressful.
22
Regarding LW4's query, you do want to be considerate of, but not committed to, any expectations of the current tenant. With that in mind, I would agree to meet with the tenant, but as one of potentially several roommate applicants. This way, there's no expectation that the tenant would automatically have first dibs on the room, so to speak. Of course, this should be done with adequate time for said tenant to move elsewhere if you choose another roommate tenant (including possibly choosing no roommate at all). In addition, if you do end up wanting the current tenant as a roommate, I'd probably have the tenant vacate the house for two weeks or a month, including removing all possessions, so you can adequately clean and air out the place and both of you can move in with a fresh start. This would occur with a new tenant, and should also if you choose the current tenant. That way you would literally, and not just figuratively, start on appropriate footing in the landlord-tenant (and roommate) relationship. The tenant would be moving into a space you're creating as your home, rather than you trying to create a home around someone who is already living there.
5
I read through most of the comments about the woman sharing a room with a man on a business trip, and notice that no one has mentioned how the man might feel about this.
I can imagine a man pretending to be cool with the whole idea, but in this day and age it's difficult to believe that a man would, once he's thought about the possible ramifications, agree to this.
It would be one thing if a man and a woman who are friends at work agree to share a room for some reason at a business meeting or a professional conference (I've done that as a poor grad student) but putting two people together without their having a choice is crazy on many levels.
27
@Kenny Becker And there is no mention of whether either the man or the woman is married (I suspect spouses would have opinions about this!), nor of the age or hierarchy differential. An older woman and a younger man, or visa versa, would have other awkwardness and power differentials. It sounds like the women is a nwer employee -- a woman or man should not be rooming with a someone higher up the ladder. This is so tonedeaf!
14
It is difficult to understand how a company would ask employees of the opposite sex to share what is (essentially) a
bedroom. This arrangement could end up as a set up for either employee, or both of them, and the company would be legally liable. I would go back to the owner and tell him that you've had second thoughts and would like to have your own room. If he doesn't want to pay for another room, you might see if the rooms are large enough to have the hotel supply an extra bed so that you can stay with two women. I have shared a room with two friends on a destination wedding trip and it worked out fine, especially when all we did was sleep there during the trip.
23
As always, spot on, merci..
4
No employer in their right-mind’ would ask or expect a woman to share accommodations with a man. Men should pair up and women should pair up. End of story.
Actually each participant should have their own room.
41
Way back in the 70s when the job market was awful and I was very young, we were given shared rooms on a business trip. I still recall the awfulness even tho I didn’t know any better at the time. Needless to say that company had other icky policies, and is long gone.
14
Forced room sharing is just a very bad idea.
Back in the 90’s, I worked for a large, well-known nonprofit that required shared rooms on a departmental retreat. I offered to pay the difference for a single room and my director granted my wish and refused reimbursement. I ended up sharing anyway, because a co-worker who was also a friend (we were both women) was paired with a snorer. I took pity on her and agreed to have her bunk in my room.
11
Do not offer to pay for any of a hotel room. It’s something worth making a stand on. This project is worth enough to commit multiple people’s work days, but can’t accommodate one more $300 charge? No.
Offer perhaps to be booked into a lower price point hotel.
51
Almost 30 years ago (could it be that long?!) I worked at a nursing school in admissions. I'm not a nurse. I was going to a conference as a recruiter. The others from the school were going to participate in the conference. I smoked at the time. I was told that I was expected to share a room. Can't believe I had the nerve, but I told my supervisor that I only had one roommate - my husband. Even if I hadn't smoked, I think I would have had a problem, for all the reasons you note. After that ALL the nurses had single rooms at conferences. I was a hero.
44
Employees are at risk whether forced to room with opposite or same-sex colleagues!
Decades ago, a young female friend of mine was working her first job, in a startup. She had to share a hotel room with a woman above her on the organizational chart. Ensconced together, the supervisor propositioned her; it was no less traumatic for my vulnerable, naive friend than had the harasser been a man.
76
Whatever you do, make sure when you go back to your boss (or even to human resources) that you take a witness. I can smell retaliation from here!
44
Why prolong or renew the connection with the ex? Why at this point get into a tiff about money? It's done. I'd move forward, write off the "rent" and take it as a lesson learned.
67
I worked for a company that made conference attendees share a hotel room. Once I shared with my boss, not only was it super awkward and weird seeing her in states of undress, but she was a horrible roommate (e.g., hogging the bathroom in the morning leaving me 10 minutes to shower and get out the door). It really had a negative impact on our relationship. At this stage in my career, I would not work for a company with this policy.
71
I'm not in agreement with most other commenters on "No Vacancy". I'd at least meet and try to get to know the current renter. She could be a delightful person. She's already there and her things are there. If you don't have to kick her out, you don't have to go looking for a tenant. I really don't see the necessity of upending her living situation without at least determining that she isn't a tenant you would choose. Of course you will work out a lease agreement with her.
17
Here’s an historical horror: years ago, public agencies I was associated with would house 4 women in a room, i.e., 2 to a bed, while at worst, 2 men would share a room, i.e., 1 t o a bed. My agency stopped room sharing over 20 years ago, despite repeated budget cutbacks; we just learned how to travel smarter, more effectively, and “smarter and effectively” includes separate rooms. The loss of effectiveness in training when staff is perhaps forced to share a room with a smoker, whose clothes reek, even if they don’t smoke in the room; or when one early to bed employee is awakened when their late night roommate finally returns, when one may have medical issues that require privacy, and which the employer has no right to know about, etc, is incalculable, but real. There’s no “team building” complement to room sharing.
58
Room sharing on business trips is the worst. A previous employer also made us rotate to a new roommate on each trip so we could "get to know more of our co-workers". UGH. It wasn't the main reason I left that company, but it was definitely in the top three.
63
@Hope: Companies with ideas like that are generally awful, period. I had to share a room with a total stranger I would never see again to save a few bucks. Things like that don’t end well. Live and learn.
11
About that house-buyer: if she needs to rent out a room to afford the house, that to me is a bad sign. Has she had experience with roommates? Lots of complications when you're depending on someone else for half the mortgage or whatever.
22
@farhorizons
Literally everything in your comment is assumption and conjecture. It doesn't mention money at all so why do you think OP needs the money, specifically half the mortgage? Since she mentions enjoying her roommate, it seems like that she has had roommates before.
4
@Jane 1) Why would anyone rent out one bedroom in a two bedroom dwelling if they didn't need the extra income for the mortgage payment?
2) The LW doesn't mention "...enjoying her roommate" at any time in the letter - that is assumption and conjecture on your part. Read it again, carefully:
"It’s important to me that the renter is someone whose company I enjoy. As it happens, the seller already has one bedroom rented, and the renter wants to stay on. Should I meet her?"
Were this my home purchase, I would make sure that my lawyer addresses the termination of the tenant's lease prior to move-in. I'd wager the tenant doesn't want to share the house with a stranger for a live-in landlord, anyway.
21
@farhorizons OP here! I can afford the mortgage just fine, thank you very much, but what's the harm in having rental income? I, personally, think it's financially responsible to rent out a room that I wouldn't be using anyway.
31
For the letter about reclaiming rent. I think it depends on who initiated the break up. If she broke up with him, it would be crushing to him to then ask for money back as well.
Other way round and I think she should definitely ask.
13
@Mikey G - I broke up with a long term boyfriend & later asked him to pay back the remaining portion of bail money he owed me. I had just graduated & was job hunting. The few hundred dollars was a big deal to me at the time. We had made an oral agreement while still dating he would pay me back. Was I unfair?
6
As to Dr. Older Brother with the pumped up younger bro and telling mom about your diagnosis of younger's recently acquired steroid enhanced muscles, in the words of my partner, "Oh no, don't do that!" Not a great idea to slide the idea of younger sidling up to his source in the locker room at the gym for some extra definition in his washboard abs. Talk with your brother but don't challenge him to an arm wrestling duel.
4
I work for a major tech company, and we just held our yearly sales kickoff where employees were paired up with hotel roommates. (Pretty stingy for a company with so much cash, in my opinion). My solution was to find a roommate who would agree to pay half the cost of a room that I would book out of pocket. That way, we both get our own rooms. Not the best solution, but for a reduced cost I was able to buy some privacy for a few days.
51
The advice to LW3 is a little incomplete.
If the existing tenant has a written lease they have a contract to rent the property for the duration of the lease, regardless of a change in ownership. The sale of the property does not void the lease. Likewise, the new owner cannot compel the tenant to sign a new lease until the term of the current lease expires.
Even if the tenant does not have a written lease the terms of ending or changing informal rental agreements are governed by law. The law typically recognizes an implicit monthly lease term starting the first of each month. Laws stipulate how tenants must be served notice of an end or change to their tenancy and how much advance notice is required.
Details vary by jurisdiction. The LW needs to learn what her legal obligations are. Many local governments offer resources to new landlords to help them comply with the law.
19
@Joe Bob the III LW3 is about to close. A complication such as a written lease, if there is one, would have been disclosed to her long before now. If it wasn't, there are even bigger legal problems to deal with. Since she didn't mention a lease, most of us probably assumed there isn't one.
12
@Joe Bob the III What are the terms of the Sale? delivered vacant or with a sitting tenant? That is unclear but if the terms are delivered vacant, there should be no Closing until the terms are met. The Buyer doesn't sound as if she really want the current tenant.
15
Vis a vis the renter situation with Greta:
Consider that you'll be moving into a home that the tenant has already occupied, and has ingrained habits about the way the household is run, that will be offered to you, and she will probably be "guiding" you as to "how things should go."
I'd personally, ask her to move out. I'd give her 3 months notice, while simultaneously looking for another tenant.
54
@Euphemia Thompson - I'd like this x100 if I could.
3
@Euphemia Thompson Agree, but 90 days is excessive. 30 days should be sufficient, unless there is a provision in the lease regarding notice with change of ownership. In any event, this needs to be addressed prior to the closing by the buyer's attorney.
6
@Sundevilpeg 30 days is excessively short. 60 or even 90 is much more reasonable. There is no reason not to be considerate of the renter's life and her need to find a new place to live, presumably while still holding down a job.
10
When a similar question about hotel accommodations was submitted to a workplace advice column at another newspaper not long ago, some participants in the discussion wondered whether being directed by an employer to share a room with someone else could be grounds for claiming overtime pay, on the theory that if you aren't free to spend your time as you see fit, including with whom you spend it, you aren't really off-duty. I'm not an employment lawyer, so I have no idea whether that angle of attack has any merit.
37
@rella
No, because they aren’t requiring you to be in that room doing specific activities. It’s there for your use.
OT also doesn’t come into play for exempt employees.
Ask A Manager has the room sharing on business trips covered left right and sideways.
1
Re No Vacancy. Unusually, I disagree with Mr Galanes' wonderfully crafted solutions. Have the tenant move out with the seller. You are buying the place and its your prerogative to determine who lives with you.
23
@Renaissance Man Bob Kruszyna I think the advice was to meet the tenant - not to automatically keep them on. That allows for the buyer to keep the prerogative to determine who lives with them.
5
The advice to the soon-to-be homeowner was blithely naive. The current renter has every motive to create a perfect impression that will probably not hold up. She wants to stay, after all. She'll be mad if later asked to leave because it didn't work out. It's like lending money to friends: Sometimes you find out the hard way they think they're doing you a favor by paying you back. The owner should start with a clean slate. She isn't obliged to help the current renter. Housemate situations work out best when there's a very business-like arrangement at first. Trust develops over a long time. Months or years. The owner might get locked into a bad lease and possible legal consequences, and a mad, feeling entitled-to stay-housemate as well. I would draw up a binding agreement to reflect that if the arrangement isn't working out the renter is required to move out, (with enough notice, of course). Set business-like terms right off the bat. I ended up with friends when we started off with very clear terms.
Living with housemates is too often a nightmare.
33
@Nina
Additionally, this existing roommate will have her existing ways of doing things in the space, and feel an ownership of it through her longevity. It might be difficult to shape her to your schedule, habits, decorating, etc
8
We didn’t even do this to employees when our newly acquired company was a low budget, can hardly meet the payroll start up
23
Room share with another gender in a business situation? This must be a put on. That’s just crazy. If it’s true you need to get another job- they will never treat you with respect if they seriously expect you to share a room with a male co-worker.
120
@Deirdre
Couldn't agree more!
20
Since no one has responded to the last letter, I will throw this in: if you think you can make a judgement call about whether a person is a good match to live with in a shared house situation based on one meeting, I fear you will be unpleasantly surprised. It takes years to discover whether the people we associate with are even good friends let alone good roommates, housemates, or future spouses. Many years ago I made two really bad housemate decisions based on half-hour "interviews." I also learned how difficult it is remedy those bad decisions, renters' rights being what they are. I don't know of a solution other than buying a house you can afford yourself or making the two parts of the house seriously divided. Concrete... barbed wire...
30
@Robert Agree completely. It's not as if the renter is in an in-law apartment on another floor with a separate entrance - it's an extra bedroom. Talk about a situation fraught with peril, legally speaking!
13
Dear Helen
He’s your ex. He’s not paying you back. If he was a great boyfriend he would have found a job in less than 9 months or some kind of work out of self respect. At the very least he would have made a payment plan as soon as he started working. He didn’t do any of those things. Be grateful you didn’t marry the bum. Move on, Lesson learned.
75
In the first letter the important thing is to be a helpful employee with the company's best interest at heart. So practice this in the mirror or with a friend until you can say it to your boss with a straight face: "Has this been run past Legal ( or HR, whichever your boss worries about most)? I'm sure [male coworker] and I won't have a problem, but it strike me as a sexual harassment law suit waiting to happen." Preferably do this while your proposed male roommate is present.
Because your company is taking on a massive legal liability for a miniscule cost saving.
And incidentally *Mister* Galanes--ignoring gender in this arrangement is incredibly bone-headed and something only a man can do. The letter writer is worried about sexual harassment or assault, or at minimum possible slander from colleagues, not lack of time to decompress after socializing.
102
@Adina
what he's actually doing is not assuming everyone is straight, or that a lgbtq person wouldn't be uncomfortable in a paired situation no matter the gender of the person.
23
This company shows that is has no respect for its employees.
Misery is optional in a strong job market. Take your talents elsewhere.
66
Just for grins, if you can countenance sharing rooms, what is the role of gender in the equation?
7
@Anna Kavan Yeah, I am a straight, cis, happily married woman and I wouldn't have a problem sharing a room with a male colleague as long as it was someone I agreed to room with. There are women I wouldn't want to share with, as well. I'm way too old to be sharing a room with a stranger.
7
I had this happen last year for work, and though it was a same gender situation, I would be sharing a room with my direct supervisor for *two* conferences (one was a two-night stay, the other a full five-night stay ). It was my supervisor who suggested it, even though we had the budget for two rooms (as another colleague was supposed to attend but ended up on maternity leave).
Ultimately, I requested my own room for longer conference, and obliged for the shorter. My supervisor didn't push back and I have absolutely no regrets. If I had been a male, no question I would have gotten my own room. But more than that, I'm an introvert, and the extended schedule and intensity of content and social situations at conferences is exhausting enough. Plus, as the article deftly notes, I have no desire to see my supervisor before or after showering, making pre-bedtime pillow talk husband, etc.
44
On single room: unless your company is putting you up at the ritz, will it break the bank for you to ask the hotel if they have a single room available and pay for it yourself? Even if you don’t get reimbursed, the cost is worth it.
16
@ChrisW
it. is. not. her. choice. to. go.
her company requires her to go, they need to pay for reasonable accommodations that are *safe* and *comfortable* while they monopolize her time away from her home.
I often agree whole heartedly with PG, but find his advice that she should offer to pay half for a single room unconscionable.
31
@Lu
You must be a boss.
2
Regarding LW3: The default assumption for a relationship is that, as long as a couple is together, whatever each is contributing in money or labor to the relationship is equitable. If one party to the relationship doesn't feel that it is equitable (not at all uncommon), they should raise that issue with their partner. If they can't resolve it, they may have to end the relationship (also not uncommon). Barring a prior agreement, though, nobody is ever *entitled* to have their financial/labor contributions reimbursed after a relationship ends.
Consider for a moment: perhaps the boyfriend did most of the housework during this period of unemployment. Is he entitled to demand that she come over to his new place and do housework for him as compensation, as he's making these hypothetical repayments to her? Of course, that scenario is absurd, but it illustrates the absurdity of trying to treat a relationship like a series of transactions.
23
What is it about the western society that makes them so selfishly individualistic? If she paid for his rent without explicitly declaring that it was a nice gesture but still a loan, it would be different. But that was not so. Why stir the pot by asking for funds now? Don't worry about what your family says. You are an adult. Make your own decisions.
30
I have never been asked to share a room on business trips (lots over 20 years) nor would I ever have as an employer made such a request ( over 12 years, beginning with a start up)
It is cheap yes, but the economic savings dont plausibly make up for the loss of employee efficiency, the unpleasantness, the insult to the employee, the loss of goodwill, or the potential problems. asking for a different gender pairing is absurd and to me an abuse.
GO back and say you thought better of this, offer to pay the way for an "upgrade", and then rethink --is this the only case of poor treatment by your employer (I doubt it is...) and then rethink you career trajectory. it is a zero unemplyment economy for what sounds like a skilled industry/position you hold. Do not call in sick.
Your employers request makes me a bit sick.
91
There is no way the person leading your company HR team would condone sharing films! Go talk to the HR staff for advice on how to discuss with your boss, if you need help doing it.
48
sharing hotel room? sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen with your employer as the defendant.
84
@Ann Dee So true! And to ask the LW to share with an opposite gendered colleague is wrong on so many levels.
In today's environment, the amount of risk to the LW/the colleague/the company is really not worth the money they are saving on making everyone double up.
30
It is terrible advice to tell an employee to offer to pay for a single room! It's both an unreasonable expectation that the company push employees into rooming with someone of a different gender AND an even more unreasonable belief that the best way for this employee to get her own room is to PAY! Honestly, I am flabbergasted by this advice. The letter writer should go back to her boss, admit that the more she's considered things, the more uncomfortable she is with the arrangement, and be firm in requesting her own room. If the company is unwilling to relent, then she should stay home.
195
I worked for a very large Fortune 500 company from the mid-80s through mid-90s that required shared rooms during business trips. As I was just out of undergrad, I didn't mind it and 99% of the time I had a good room assignment. Seeing the same activity in 2020 seems quite antiquated. And reading about it with male/female assignments seems ripe for a lawsuit. Does this company realize the danger they are putting employees in if there's a claim of sexual harassment? Heaven forbid there's a sexual assault. As I recall there was alot of drinking at the hotel bars in addition to sampling the local nightlife. While it was tons of fun, I would not want to relive those days. Anything (and I mean *anything*) can happen. This has got to be the dumbest corporate "policy" I've read this year.
147
@NE1410S Agree for the most part. I'm a straight, cis woman but I'm not personally opposed to sharing with a man, as long as it's a person I choose and who chooses me. I agree that gender isn't the issue here, it's assigning people, period!
7
#metoo Miami swim show working for Warnaco when we were asked to double up. I was paired with my boss’s admin who went to bed early. As PR head, I had to entertain editors and plan parties for sales team - all at night. Then, early morning tv and photo shoots. I was the worst roomie for anyone. We were at The Delano, where shared headboards were a thing. Luckily, boss’s boss left early, offering me her President’s suites for the remaining nights. My lovely roomie finally got a chance to rest.
13
Unless ex-boyfriend's new job pays him extremely well, the "extra money" necessary to balance things probably doesn't exist.
15
Yes, this person was set back 9 months (although we don’t know how much time has passed or how well-off either is). Doesn’t sound like the LW is concerned with money, but rather that friends and family think LW was taken advantage of. I guess no harm in bringing up possible compensation though.
4
Anonymous:
Until you learn to stand up for yourself and to self-advocate, you are doomed to repeat the agree/regret cycle.
It will do you no good, short or long term - personally, career-wise and for your self respect.
That your employer would even consider asking you to share a room with a male co-worker means you work for a company that is seriously out of touch with reality.
That you felt like you had to go along does not speak well of your work environment or your relationships with the company and your colleagues - which are about to become far more intimate than you could possibly want.
This situation is bad for you and potentially damaging to your repution and career. I recommend an immediate job search, followed b y some major self advocacy with your boss.
64
I’m not sure if it’s still the case but my friend who worked for Walmart on her business trips to NYC also had to share a hotel room with other female random employees who were also in town, meaning she may not even know the person. I thought this was so strange and so disrespectful to treat an employee away from home on business, they’re not even allowed any kind of privacy & expected to sleep in same room with a complete stranger! She was in her 40’s & a design director, not an entry level position.
54
@Speakup NYC The corporate status of the employee should have absolutely no bearing on this issue. People deserve respect and safety regardless of title or compensation.
15
Sexual harassment? Hostile work environment? EEOC? By withholding funds for 2 separate rooms, the employer is forcing both workers to be in what could be a sexual situation & certainly a personal one w/a shared bath.
Don't call out sick rather than be forced into a hostile workplace. Pay for a room for yourself but don't forget that having to do so in order to avoid a sexual situation is also an EEOC violation.
43
I’m trying to imagine my husband’s response when I tell him I’m going to a work conference and the company is requiring me to share my hotel room with a male coworker....
Does this company have a Human Resources department and does HR know about this co-sleeping plan because this goofball idea seems exactly the kind of calamitous risk HR exists to circumvent.
155
Totally inappropriate for your company to ask you to share a room with a coworker of the opposite sex.
Sorry.
Falls under the “failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” rubric.
Exactly what would be their policy if the coworker accused you of sexually assaulting them?
Oh, you’re the small, harmless person?
So, what would be their policy if you accuse them? You agreed to sleep in the same room, therefore you agreed to the sexual contact?
Right.
No WAY.
69
"The owner asked if I would be willing to share a room with a male co-worker."
OH HECK NO. What is wrong with people.
128
I don't think the ex-girlfriend should ask for reimbursement for the rent. She obviously didn't state at the time that it was a loan, so it wasn't one. At the time, her feelings toward the boyfriend made her willing to support him through a tough time. How is it fair, just because her feelings have changed and she no longer has a stake in the relationship, to change the financial arrangement retrospectively? This is a no-go.
If the ex had come forward on his own to offer reimbursement, that would be lovely...thoughtful, generous, and admirable. But if she asks, the ex will be unfairly shamed by the request, and whether or not he complies, it will leave an ugly taste in both of their mouths.
58
@throughhiker
One thing about paying a partner’s rent while they are unemployed, esp a male partner’s, is....you don’t know how long you will be doing it.
“Yes, hon, I can cover you” can turn into “no retirement funding for the year” and “goodbye vacations” for the next two.
The other piece at play would be how long after getting a new job the relationship lasted...was he staying with her to financially use her?
5
I think it is rather amazing in the time of "MeToo" that a company is willing to take the risk of mandating that employees share a hotel room. It doesn't take much imagination to visualize terrible possibilities--inappropriate behavior, accusations based on truth, or accusations not based on truth. Gender doesn't even have to come into it, as the columnist noted. And WOULD it be inappropriate for a person to travel from bed to bathroom naked in his or her own hotel room? Or to wake up with a little naked exercise in the morning? Nothing sexual about it, right? Ugh.
117
While there are many legitimate reasons to not want to share a room with another coworker on a business trip, I find it odd that Mr. Galanes seems to be ignoring the fact that sharing a room with the opposite sex brings additional complications/discomfort. I don't think there's any reason LW1 should offer to pay for half the cost of a single room. That is a business expense, and the company should be covering all of it.
128
@Lisa If you're a heterosexual, sharing a room with someone of the same sex could bring additional complications/discomfort.
3
@rella I assume you mean homosexual? Yes, totally, and for that as well as other reasons, the company shouldn’t be making employees share rooms at all!
So I did generalize a bit here but my main point was just that it was weird that Mr. Galanes seems to think that opposite gender rooming which would be an issue in most setups (except I suppose for cases where both the man and the woman are gay) isn’t a separate problem from being annoyed and inconvenienced by having a roommate. Discomfort that a gay person may feel with a same-gendered roommate definitely also falls under that category though that is very much an issue that is separate from simple annoyance.
4
@Lisa I meant heterosexual. Since I posted this comment, there has been at least one comment posted by someone who was on the receiving end of inappropriate attention by a colleague of the same sex. I’m sure there are many more of us out there.
1
I worked for a company that made employees share rooms in the 90s. I said "no way" and skipped the conferences. But a colleague came back from one with stories of his (senior) co-worker who spent the entire room time in the buff.
24
I worked for a company that made us do this for a conference. It was awful even though it was with another female. At the time this company was in startup mode. The other thing was the owners were from the acadamia world where their University research group shared rooms to save money with their government grants. While I appreciated they were saving money with our tax money, I didn't appreciate it with their small business money. I decided if I was ever put in that situation again I would speak up for myself and not share a room with anyone. I no longer work for them, but they did change their policy and everyone had their own room.
22
Second letter should not ask her ex for the back rent. Don’t you think he hasn’t already thought of that? He has no intention of doing the right thing. Forget it. Move on. Learn-from-it.
Third letter seems off. Renter should come to her to ask to stay on. That’s not happening which makes me wonder about renter’s character. The house and rental have been sold. Renter should move out. Buyer, you can start afresh with someone who has the common sense and appreciation you need a renter to have.
17
I'll never forget the first time I flew for work, and my (more senior) colleague thought it was HILARIOUS that I assumed we'd sit together. He viewed plane time similarly to how Philip describes the importance of a window of alone time amid an otherwise pretty draining occasion.
43
It is absolutely unbelievable that a company would ask you to share a room with a male co-worker - has this boss had their head in the sand for the past couple of years? And regardless, I feel that if the company is requiring you to go on this business trip, they should absolutely be obligated to provide individual rooms, for everyone. There are reasons for this beyond what Philip Galanes suggests - for example, I have severe allergies/asthma that are especially aggravated by fragrances such as those used in personal care products or laundry detergent. I never share rooms, because the smell of someone's shampoo wafting from the bathroom will give me an asthma attack in a small space. Other people might have illnesses or conditions they need to medicate for, and want to keep private. Or what if someone is trans and not out about it? There are so many potential violations of privacy and well being here that healthy males probably never consider.
93
@reader Exactly. They've just created a non-zero probability of a lawsuit. Low-probability or not, it's an open door. More ethical, and cheaper, to pay for single rooms.
32
I may be an outlier here but I would be reticent to ask my previously unemployed boyfriend for back pay on rent. We all go through tough times and it's during those moments where one partner goes above and beyond the call of duty to help them. Asking them to pay you back makes the relationship feel very transactional-- I guarantee the letter writer will one day be in a position where their bf will have to do something similar.
50
I worked for a California agency that held a multi-day retreat for all its statewide offices. To cut costs at what was an expensive coastal resort, the head office announced that we would all share double rooms. It was M/M and F/F, thank god, but - in the spirit of promoting "communicating and coordinating", we all had to share rooms with people from other offices who were total strangers to us. No daily coworkers roomies allowed.
It was incredibly awkward and unpleasant (my roomie basically refused to talk to me), and I would much rather have had my own dumpy room at a lowly budget hotel with a simple set of conference rooms. Of course, for years we were reminded about the lovely resort we were sent to and how much money was spent on us for this great experience...
60
While it is certainly nice to have a housemate whose company one enjoys, in many states and/or counties, this would be illegal discrimination. It’s the same theory about “public accommodations” that does not allow someone to discriminate on the basis of race, etc. when renting.
“Not being compatible with me” is clearly not a protected class, but in quite a few places, the housing discrimination laws go much farther than that and state that one cannot refuse to rent to a “qualified” (based on income, credit report, prior rental record, etc.) applicant.
3
@CAM-WA Not necessarily true. Many states have "owner-occupied" exceptions, where if you are the owner and will be renting out a spare room in your house, you have much much more leeway to discriminate for "non-compatibility.
18
I think that applies to tenant situations rather than roommate situations.
9
@CAM-WA Depending on the local laws, it is a different situation when the owner lives there him/herself.
10
Regarding the first question, I wonder if th
e writer's boss had asked the male potential roommate if he was willing to share a room with a female. Any prudent male would say "no".
126
I have shared a hotel room with a coworker, but only because the per diem was so low we combined allowances and were able to stay in much better accommodations. Otherwise never agree to this. Seriously.
48
Re: Greta
Unless the contract for sale specifies that the existing tenant-renter is allowed to remain for the term of her present lease, the owner has full title to and possession of the property to do with as she likes. She may rent the room or not, to whom she chooses, as long as she is not violating any laws. She is under no obligation. If she does decide the present tenant is acceptable, she should draw up a new lease, on her terms.
36
And the new lease should include a trial period where either can withdraw if they like each other on the surface but find out the other person has a habit they cannot live with.
3
Once my company suggested myself (female) and another female colleague share the hotel room while we attended an out-of-town conference. Let’s be clear here: the males were allowed to have their own hotel rooms. For my company to make us two females share a room denoted our low-level status to everyone. The hotel stay itself was horrible: she put her shoes ON MY BED, and was angry at me for not saying “Good morning” to her in the AM. I would never do this again and would pay for my own hotel room. It was humiliating, as a female in a male-dominated company, as a coworker and as a worker in a company with deep pockets. This kind of “free hotel room” is simply not worth it.
148
#1 You were asked to share a room with a male co-worker? No way would I do that. In this day and age to even be asked to do so sounds unethical if not illegal. I'd start looking for another job.
236
@kaydee
I might not look for another job until I had a discussion with my boss refusing to share a room with a member of the opposite sex. If they refused me a private room, then I would look for another job. This puts both people in an untenable position. Among other problems, he is at risk of an accusation of sexual assault and she is at risk of sexual assault. What in the world were they thinking? Law suit anyone?
44
In the real US, making employees share hotel rooms is normal in small companies, although not mixing the sexes.
10
@Repatriate I worked for a company that was incredibly frugal and we NEVER had to share rooms. I do not think this is normal
46
In the “real US”? What does that even mean?
34
@Repatriate And big ones. My company makes $4 billion a year and makes everyone share at sales conferences! But same gender at least.
2
It is extremely inappropriate for your company to ask you to share a hotel room with a co-worker. Do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Even if this person is 100% trustworthy I would think your sharing a room would be fodder for office rumors you do not want to be the subject of. On the financial side, if this potential deal or meeting is important enough to the company's business, surely they can find the extra couple hundred dollars for a room for you.
177
In the second dilemma, I would not necessarily dismiss the idea of the mother’s help. Would the brother heed his mother’s advice? Might the two family members be able to intervene together? It seems likely that someone’s mother would want to help her adult son and steroid use may just not be on her radar.
The bottom line is determining what would be most likely to help.
10
@NM The brother who has the concern should own it, and approach his brother if he feels the need.
18
About 25 years ago, I worked for a major company that expected employees to share rooms while attending mandatory conferences. It was extraordinarily awkward. Everyone hated it, but no one dared refuse. I did, btw, tell my boss (tongue in cheek) that I was going to bill the company for the nightgown I had to purchase since I normally slept in the buff).
These conferences featured extremely lavish meals. I would so much have preferred a tuna fish sandwich and a room of my own, no matter how small or humble.
155
@eleanor Me too. Kind of wondering now whether we worked for the same company.
7
@eleanor I worked for a company that did the same - even for celebratory events. Think of the company HAL was named for. Sharing rooms was their policy for years. Always hated it and had many awkward moments.
19
@Katy
HAL named for IBM? I worked for IBM in the 90's and won an award that included a week-long stay at a resort in Florida, with a roommate. I didn't go. I was polite about it, but the fact that the trip was supposed to be a reward made the roommate thing extra galling.
7
For ‘Remember When...’:
As a rule of thumb, I would say that in any kind of relationship, if one person is in a difficult financial situation, and someone else pays more than their usual share, or even outright gives money, unless there is a solid repayment agreement made at that time, don’t count on seeing any of it again.
92
@NM But certainly ask for it. Nothing here that would break a social code.
6
@NM Right. And if LW had not been bothered by paying the rent during that time, she needs to not let her friends and relatives now talk her into feeling ill-used. She can ask for the money if she wants, but it's her choice. If she doesn't want to, she can set it aside and they need to butt out. (And don't discuss your personal business with folks whose advice you won't want later.)
3
@NM agreed. Assume whatever you "lend" to a romantic partner will never be repaid, regardless of whether you breakup.
6