The man who orders expensive wine is a moocher. He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to show off by ordering expensive wine or he is curious, but he cuts his costs by making another couple pay for his expensive tastes. The fact that the second couple never gets to order, nor are they even consulted proves my point. The second couple should consider their friendship with someone of such low character.
The lost hat owner does not owe the pool attendant a tip. He was doing his job by picking up any stuff laying around. He put it in the pool hut and no more. It should have been given to the lost and found. What if the owner didn't know where it was left. I say this because it happened to my nephew at a resort. He lost something but not where he thought. By chance, we when into a shop where he left it, but the employees couldn't be bothered to turn it in.
36
A couple of decades ago, I worked with a group of people many of whom who liked to go to happy hour on Fridays after work. I went for the purpose of building camaraderie. I don’t drink, and also was living on a tight budget at the time since I had a lot of debts from graduate school. Typically, I had a club soda or two and they each had multiple alcoholic drinks. The discrepancy in price was enough that I always asked to pay separately for mine, because there were several of them, and to split the check evenly would have raised the cost for me quite a bit.
There were a few of them that I worked more closely with, and we had a custom of ordering burgers in for weekly lunch meetings. Then they started suggesting going out to the burger place for those meetings instead, adding time and inconvenience. Why? So they could have beer at lunch. I clearly didn’t fit in with this group, and didn’t last long in the job. One of them sat me down one day and basically told me they hated me. One of the big reasons? Because I wouldn’t split the check evenly at happy hour (which I of course never went to again). I realized at that point that a number of them clearly had drinking problems, which wouldn’t have occurred to me given our age group (30’s) and occupation (college professors). And they were the kind of cheapskates with no empathy for someone on a tighter budget.
31
If America actually had a proper minimum wage and employment protections, you wouldn't have so many questions about tipping in this column. This issue would pretty much never happen if you holiday in Australia/NZ/Europe/Japan etc. So much more relaxing. The most stressful and disappointing aspects of my holidays in the USA have been your terrible airports and overzealous security guards and tipping.
52
@LC
You are misinformed.
Much of Europe expects a tip.
And France is ground zero for the practice, with sharp rebukes in store for the non-tipper.
9
Tipping in the US confounds me. Tipping for someone retrieving a left-behind hat is not only bonkers, it’s sad. Encourage, support and vote for a decent minimum wage and a unionised workforce and these knotty problems about the social processes of tipping will slowly ebb away.
122
@Victoria Vincent
Unfortunately in this country we don’t have a decent minimum working wage, and unfortunately in this country those who work for tips are mercilessly exploited by employers. So those of us who aren’t pathologically selfish give tips and, by the way, they come with their own reward. When the kid delivering groceries practically wants to throw his arms around you for a $10 tip, you know how necessary it was to give it. Or then again, some people don’t. I wouldn’t wish anybody the private miserly hell in which they live. They won’t feel any any guilt but they will be pathetically angry people all the time.
57
@ADN Bravo!
10
@ADN thank you for so elegantly and precisely stating the heart of this matter
12
Bullimic, your recovery is your own responsibility. The world is full of junk food and people trying to shove it at you - not to mention well-intentioned people trying to overfeed you way too much of their homemade food because they "love you". Your self-care comes from within, not from expecting others to parent you (parents or not). You can do this!
14
What was he going to do with the hat otherwise? Take it home and wear it? He was just doing the moral and responsible thing. A tip would be nice, but I wouldn’t expect a tip just for being an ethical person. If so, a lot more people out there should be millionaires and a lot of millionaires should be broke.
15
Rose Rosengard Subotnik
I've never been more embarrassed to be an American than after reading this letter. Hello? All this hand-wringing over a $5 tip? Maybe the writer was surprised by the pool attendant's response, but why didn't she just regroup and say, of course you're right, I'll make this right tomorrow? (Actually, why didn't she anticipate the situation by saying on her own initiative that she was barehanded but would find him and tip him tomorrow?) If this kind of self-centered thinking permeates the American wealthy, what hope have we of making a better world for our children?
15
Ask for separate checks when you arrive at the table. Your friends can order the wine and food they want and you can order the wine and food you want. You can enjoy one another's’ company without the bad taste of resentment in your mouth on having to split the check for something you can’t afford. Perhaps you should mention this new practice and the reason for it to your friends before going out. Real friends understand.
15
Of course it’s the pool attendant’s job to keep track of a left-behind hat! Otherwise your answer made sense.
10
Does even the social columnist of the NY Times have to slip in comments like a communist with no economics knowledge? Yes, part of the exorbitant hotel rates and fees does flow to the attendants. If they don't like what they earn, they are free to work somewhere else - maybe a resort funded by the Times' columnists' savings where employees have no responsibility to gather forgotten items and place them somewhere.
11
To me, the question isn’t really about whether you “should” tip or not—it is about a lack of generosity of spirit and actuality, that seems more and more prevalent in our American ethos, as we slip more and more easily into the haves vs. the have nots. We don’t want to see those people as real—having probably, fairly poverty stricken lives. We want to see them as part of our all inclusive pieces of vacation equipment. We are like that at home too—how annoyingly in the way, people who need a living wage or affordable housing. Why do we need to give our building staff Christmas gratuities? Etc., etc.? People can’t go just get other jobs, or more likely already have one or two others already, as we find when we look deeper into our low unemployment numbers
22
At some point we need to draw a line. When people are paying hundreds or more per night for a room plus resort fees the resort can afford to and should pay a living wage. Many people elect to vacation at an all inclusive resort to relax by paying one bill and not having to reach for their wallet and think about every expense including gratuities along the way. If the employee’s have a beef it should be with their employers and if they don’t get anywhere with that it is up to them to find more gainful employment.
32
I recently left my phone in my car when dropping it off at the valet stand at a large shopping center recently. The weather was cold and drizzly. I went to the valets and said I would give them five bucks to go retrieve my phone. A guy ran all the way to get it. When I picked up my car, I tipped them very generously. They were surprised, but I was really, really glad to get my phone back and told them so.
21
I believe that was inredibly rude of the resort staff and quite frankly, people are entitled to relaxing vacations without being guilted for tips, particularly at an all inclusive place. I was in the service industry for fifteen years, and I still can’t believe how much and often people believe they should tip for acts that SHOULD be part of the job. If you don’t want to work in that capacity, start training for something else. As far as the answer goes from the writer, that IS part of his job!
42
Re the dinner friends: Decline to order a bottle and order a glass of what you want. Less drama.
As a waitress in my youth, I learned that some people tip and some don’t. I made a decent, got me through school living, being polite, giving good service and sometimes there was no tip. Part of the job. The pool person was wrong to demand one for a simple courtesy, but a tip would have been appropriate.
28
Just be nice and tip. And tell your daughter in law that reporting the employee is grossly overboard. Seriously, that employee working out in the elements at probably minimum wage kept your hat for you, isn't that worth something?
20
@Kathrine You act as if keeping the hat was some herculean effort from the employee instead of merely doing the equivalent of picking it up and putting it in a lost and found. The pool attendant did the bare minimum, not something above and beyond the call of duty.
43
Putting a note without a stamp in a mail box is a federal crime. If your postal carrier sees it they can have you arrested. More likely they will notify the sender.
3
@Ann Edmonds
Bit of an overreaction there Ann, even if technically correct. What kind of weirdo would “have their neighbor arrested” for placing a pleasant, yet unstamped, note in the mailbox?
27
@Ann Edmonds Yeah. The Federal penitentiaries are filled with neighbors who’ve put unstamped notes in each others’ mailboxes.
40
To all the non-tippers -
What if you lost something again the next day or so? Suppose you lost your sunglasses. Maybe by the pool? Expensive and new. Or maybe not. You aren’t sure.
Bet you wish you’d been nice and tipped the pool guy the first time.
If you’d tipped him for the hat, and if you left your nice new shades at the pool, he’ll go out of his way to be helpful again.
But if you don’t tip him the first time, he might not feel as inclined to be helpful again.
But you’ll never know for sure...
15
@Suzanne
that is less about tipping and more about "bribing them not to do bad things to my stuff".
42
I hate the American tipping culture that assumes that service people are subservient and won’t do a thing unless paid, and guests are walking ATMs. I worked in service a long time and was fine with being tipped when I was waiting tables (people expect to tip; it’s part of the cost of the meal) but cringed when people tipped for ordinary acts of courtesy.
It made me feel sub-human.
66
@S Turner
It makes me feel sub-human to go hungry or to see my children go hungry because my wages are below or at the minimum wage ($7.25 in US) which might be much less in exotic places places that have resorts?
I'm disgusted by the reaction of so many here who can afford a thousand or more $ at a resort but begrudge giving a employee a couple of bucks. As for exhortations to training for another job, I have to ask where and how?
Why does Marie Antoinette (fake) comment comes to mind: "let them eat cake" when she was told "the people have no bread"? Hmmmmmmmmm?
19
Something I read once that stood out to me: “no one ever has gotten rich by undertipping”
43
If someone left a note inquiring about my painting I'd happily given them information about the artist. Why not? The artist would appreciate the exposure.
People in neighborhood homes who leave their windows uncovered should assume passersby will see the interior.
44
I worked in the high-end boutique resort business where "surprise and delight" was part of the employee mantra, to go above and beyond (remember what the guest likes in their drink, where they like to sit by the pool). It's an expectation to tend to those details such as putting lost items aside (it's a daily, if not hourly occurrence and part of the job) and would be exploitation to expect otherwise. Tips are welcome but not in the context of this cabana boy expecting one and harping a guest, more that at the end of a visit guests who appreciated service may very well go around and thank those who went above and beyond with cash thank you's. Tipping is a great way to express gratitude but yet, as a guest, if it was me, I'd have gone down to whoever rescued my item and given them a few bucks, if I didn't have it at the time, I'd let them know I won't forget. The resort fees are an illusion, misleading and confusing to guests. Some are putting taxes onto guests and lowering the rates online by breaking down the costs. They do NOT trickle down to the staff.
32
For the couple who split checks with the other couple: "You know what? I always feel constrained about what I order when I share a check with a whole table. Let's ask the waiter to separate the check for each couple. Then I can relax about ordering dessert... or cheap wine." Then when the waiter takes your order, ask him/her for separate checks. If you get a little push back from your friends, you can say, "I'd just feel more comfortable with separate checks." And leave it there.
Being assertive is good. You don't need to apologize for it, just speak up for your preferences in a matter-of-fact way. Get your husband on board first so he backs you up with your friends.
76
@Leah
I like this approach. Take the position that you (the couple not ordering the over-the-top wine) may feel like splurging, and wouldn't want to impose. Be proactive. Maybe this other couple will think twice about that wine.
17
@Leah Absolutely agree. It's quite common now for a server to ask if it is separate checks. Back in the old days it was hard to do but today it's quite simple.
16
My brother once told me another couple was cheap for not wanting to split a check. My brother often orders several expensive drinks far exceeding the cost of a meal. I ask him to consider why he was expecting his friends to subsidize his bar bill and then think about who is being cheap. He got the point.
38
He.... put your hat on a stack of towels?
I'm a very reliable tipper; for instance, I always tell myself that if I don't have money to leave a significant tip (not just spare change) at a coffee shop, then I don't actually have enough money to buy a coffee.
But to me, this seems really weird. You don't get a prize for..... I'm not even sure what he did. I'm sure he's not allowed to throw out guests' belongings. She would have found her hat if he'd just left it on the ground or on her chair or wherever she left it.
But even if she wouldn't have, and it's all thanks to his (minor) effort that she got her hat back--I'm sorry, I'm just very startled that someone, *especially* someone without a lot of money, would expected to be paid for a very small but very basic human decency. (If I'd expect this of anything, I'd expect it from a wealthy person; the wealthy are often much *more* likely to expect to be rewarded for everything, in my experience, though obviously there are also plenty of wealthy people for whom this is not true.)
39
I live on a disability pension, so money is tight. However, when I travel, I tip. I get well taken care of, have some interesting conversations and the server knows that their attention is appreciated - the world is a better place. I think it's worth $5, personally. I also treat everyone the same way I like to be treated; friendly, courteously and with good humour. We are all the same, after all.
30
I think cabana boy is a jerk. Assuming that he could clearly see the guest had only a room key in her hand. Yes - he should have been tipped but this time it wasn't going to happen. I wonder what he would have done if he found something marketable left behind - which happens all the time.
37
Regarding the wine. Each couple could order a 1/2 bottle in their price range if available
7
I love this column and the reader's comments, so fun to read on a dull day at the office.
Always split the check with dining out with friends, especially if the range of incomes is vast. Case in point, last night, while having dinner with friends, one of them is an artist, one of them a biologist, one of them an entrepreneur, satellite engineer and interior designer....everyone got separate checks for their wine and dinner.
15
@Anna
In my experience, some restaurants refuse to split the check for a table. They don't get my repeat business.
8
@Anna "an artist, a biologist, an entrepreneur, a satellite engineer and an interior designer all walked into a restaurant." Surely there must be a punchline? Hope the dinner was great!
13
I love this column and the reader's comments, so fun to read on a dull day at the office.
Always split the check with dining out with friends, especially if the range of incomes is vast. Case in point, last night, while having dinner with friends, one of them is an artist, one of them a biologist, one of them an entrepreneur, satellite engineer and interior designer....everyone got separate checks for their wine and dinner.
I find it weird that no one is focusing on Galanes’ central message to the woman at the pool: “grace and patience” for a worker who slipped up. It seems like commenters are jumping out of their skin to slap the poor guy down!
36
1) Tip the man who saved your hat. You could simply have asked his name so you could remember him the next day when you had money in your pocket.
2) Bulimia is not caused by what other people have in their cabinets. I hope you are continuing to get help. You can ask your parents not to put food out - tell them you will bring snacks for the kids. You cannot tell them not to buy "junk" food the week you visit. And if your kids someday tastes junk food it does not mean they will be overweight, or bulimic.
3) My grandmother moved to an apartment building across from the church rectory. Her neighbor enjoyed morning coffee looking out her window at what she said was the best view of distant hills. One day after Mass the neighbor asked the priest "What is that picture on your bedroom wall? I can't quite make it out." The priest pulled the curtains and never opened them again.
24
@M.R. Sullivan Not only did I agree with #1 and #2, but I read your #3 twice and laughed out loud both times!
10
@M.R. Sullivan Absolutely on # 2, my thought exactly. LT has no right to tell her parents what they can and cannot buy. She needs to stay out of their pantry. If junk food is SERVED, she should bring her own food and explain why.
10
#2 is a bit harsh. Alcoholism is not caused by what other people drink. But it is a kindness to people struggling with alcoholism to not engage in triggering behavior in their presencewhen they are struggling to stay sober. Substitute “bulimia” and hopefully you’ll have a little more compassion for the writer’s struggle.
26
Is there Philip Galanes app to call up whenever I need some savvy yet uncomplicated advice? Something that reminds me that most of the time, a kind of woke civility will ease the way?
About that painting and note business: it would freak me out if someone let me know they'd been peering through my window at night, many nights, which might be because I once had a "regular" phone stalker.( turned out they weren't outside. It just felt that way) And I would be sure to start closing those shades at night.
But, a single note in the mailbox, with an actual name, very understated, with an email add. would probably be ok.I have had, after all, landscaping and handyman guys leave their business cards ( a comment, I'm afraid, of how obvious it is that I could use their help). I've also had people who had car trouble come to the door. I helped. Even as a woman who lives alone. But I know others who think that's dangerous.
7
There is a Social Q’s Facebook page where members ask other members for advice about Social Q problems. Sometimes Philip Galanes answers as well.
5
I'm a woman, and I live alone. I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone, and I would be creeped out by a note from a stranger stuck to my door. I wouldn't respond to it.
If you cannot arrange to "run into" the person whose art you admire during the day, then here's an idea: Take a picture of the art with your phone through the window. Then do a Google image search. You may get lucky. You could also show the photo of the art to local art dealers. They, too, may be able to help you.
Some commenters say they'd be fine with a note on their door. Others don't. I'm wondering what accounts for the difference.
Could it be the commenter's sex, along with where they've lived most of their lives? Living in an urban environment has taught me to be cautious about dealing with strangers. So has being a woman. YMMV, and for many of you it clearly does! It's fascinating reading the different reactions here.
18
@GreenGene A note left on the door is creepy, but it's okay to take a photo of a neighbor's interior through their window, without their permission?
18
Letter #1-
UGH just give the nice guy who went to the trouble of putting your hat aside a fiver. And a hearty thank you along with it. Those folks work hard for not very much money.
And for the love of mud please don't report him to management! Do you really want to be that person who tattles on a pool attendant?!? He could lose his job, is it worth feeding your ego to jeopardize his livelihood?
60
Um yes - he was quite rude, no? You think she was being treated courteously in that situation?
17
Regarding the question about tipping the swimming pool attendant at the Hawaii resort:
Philip, I love your column, and I usually find myself in agreement with you, but I have to offer a different view here.
The pool attendant’s nasty remark about good intentions not paying the bills, to me, disqualifies him from an post facto tip the next day. I might even be inclined to report that remark to management.
I do agree with you that pool attendants should be generally tipped at all-inclusive resorts unless there is a very explicit and widely advertised no-tipping policy. In my younger years, there were times when I worked mainly for tips, and I am a responsible tipper now.
But a failure to tip should never be greeted with an aggressively negative remark. Some percentage of your customers will fail to tip. That’s just reality — human behavior falls out on a bell curve, and if you are dealing with the public, you will see everything. It’s the service provider’s job to greet every unfortunate situation with grace and self-restraint, not to escalate it.
68
I'm not sure asking for a tip is a particularly successful strategy. At best, the asker gets a small tip from an embarrassed guest and then the guest simply avoids that person for the rest of the trip. At worst, the asker gets no tip and gets reported to and reprimanded by management. This would seem to be exacerbated when the situation is not one in which tips are traditionally required.
29
When my husband and I stay at a resort, with fee or not, all inclusive or not, we assume that the staff gets a small portion of that money if at all. We bring lots of singles, and are prepared to tip when necessary even at meal time. The staff is a lot nicer and always happy to see us or help.
That said, I think the pool boy was out of line. His gesture was minimal and I wouldn't have run back to the pool expecting to tip someone.
65
The tipping or not tipping letter raises a number of questions, as other posters have pointed out. My experience in Japan, where service is usually superior regardless of the establishment, is that a lost item is always returned or put somewhere for safekeeping. Lose something, go back in an hour to find and it, and it will be waiting. I experienced this with a wallet that dropped out of my bag - a bartender who noticed it, even though it was outside his store, followed me to return it.
I also witnessed this in a Starbucks with a very expensive looking backpack. The owner returned about 40 minutes later, and it was still where he had forgotten it, despite many patrons passing by and indeed sitting beside it. Tipping is not a custom in Japan. I think we North Americans could take a page from that book. Living wage, yes; regard and honour for people's property, yes.
69
Agreed. And please be willing to pay a few extra dollars for your meal so your server can make enough money to pay their rent.
14
Re: Tipping
There are two separate questions here: The tip and the rudeness. I won't comment on the tip--there are many varied opinions on tipping. BUT--if any employee spoke to me in that manner, on a vacation where his job is to make the guests feel good--well, I'll let you fill in the answer.
69
That sounds really petty. I am surprised you got so many “likes”. You are not ashamed to admit you would potentially ruin a poor workers life (or day at least) by reporting them for speaking to you in a way you don’t approve of?
11
RE: splitting checks
I often go out to dinner with a group of women who know each other through boarding our horses at the same barn. There is a range of income represented, and for my part, I always ask for a separate check. Then I am not asking EMTs to subsidize my steak, and I am not subsidizing the wine person’s ridiculously expensive wine selection.
34
@DMS
That’s tough to do if you are drinking wine by the bottle as a group.
4
Triggered? How would one go grocery shopping (and does only 'junk food' contribute to bulimia?), look at a magazine, or watch television without being triggered, then. Seems more like a passive/aggressive dig at the parents for... what? 'Causing' her bulimia? That might be best confronted in therapy rather than the pantry.
34
@Roger "They keep their home stocked with junk food and offer it constantly. I find this triggering — like offering an alcoholic a drink." One goes grocery shopping because one has to. Anyone can eschew alcohol and be none the worse for it, but everyone has to eat. It's a tough row she has to hoe, and she's asking if **her own parents** could possibly not make it harder for her. Is that really too much to ask?
28
Your response reflects a lack of compassion and a lack of knowledge about a mental health disorder with a high mortality rate (as does the letter writer’s husband’s attitude).
32
@Demi Lack of compassion? I suggest therapy for help dealing with it.
1
What a stramge, horrible system where the minimum wage, if such a thing even exists in America, is not a living wage. Result? Customers are guilt-tripped into making up the difference through the practice known as tipping, whereby the customer agonises over whether to leave a tip, and how much that tip should be. One of the difficulties of being a tourist over there, particularly for people from other countries who don't expect any of this in a supposedly first world nation.
76
@Lisa Oh, Lisa, the US slipped out of the first world at least 10 years ago. The only Americans who don't know that are those who have never traveled to Western Europe, Japan, Australia, or your own country. We think filthy restrooms, crummy airports, potholed highways, failing bridges, and city streets full of deranged homeless are perfectly normal.
64
My husband and I like more expensive wine, generally, so if we think it might be an issue, we ask for the wine to be put onto our bill.
47
If guests don't leave hats behind on an ongoing basis, I guess his bills never get paid. His wage issue is with management, not the guests. He moved the hat to the towel room, which seems like the kind of common courtesy - which any of us would do, and not expect any payment for performing. Down with tipping; up with living wage.
116
I wake up early, lug my rolling bag to the car and then through the airport to my plane. I land and reverse the process until I’m at the hotel door, where the doorman takes my bag out of the trunk, rolls it 15 feet to where the other bags sit and waits — I hand him 3 dollars. An hour later I’m waiting for my bag, realizing that I and the doorman have different views of appropriate tip levels. That was 10 years ago — I’ve been back to that NYC hotel 40 times since, and I get out of the car a block away and am in my room with my bag 5 minutes later. It’s not always about the money.
63
@Theatre Fan
Why get out a block away? Just refrain from letting anyone take your bag and roll it from the taxi to the reception desk to your room. If someone tries to take it, simply say “no thank you, I don’t need any help today.”If you feel bad about not helping that person’s income, hand her or him a couple of dollars as a small gesture.
18
It’s about the money AND the practicality of the doorman and luggage. I travel a lot and hate being nickel and dimed by people looking for a tip. Doormen in particular. I am perfectly capable of rolling my own bag into a hotel and up to my room. The thing has wheels! Doormen are a left over rom the days of unwheeled luggage when travel was mostly the province of the privileged.
It’s not that I’m cheap. I tip 20 percent for meals and usually tip bartenders at open bars when drinks are free. But for rolling my bag a few feet? Not gonna happen.
16
If I were a recovering alcoholic, would I expect a hosting family to remove all alcohol from the house? Of course not.
If I were a former smoker, would I expect smoking hosts not to do that while I visited them? No. (Nor would I want to spend time in a smoky house.)
So—I wonder whether it might make more sense for someone with an eating disorder to stay at a nearby Air BnB rather than expecting family hosts to clean out their pantry and ‘fridge, as unhealthy as they might be. And if the house is a problem, then meeting in neutral territory—a coffee shop or nearby park—might help all focus on connecting with people, rather than trying to control or alter hosts’ situations.
32
Her parents can place the junk food in a discreet place and honor & support their daughter’s recovery. Seems like an awfully small cost to them, and a very compassionate way to respect their daughter.
62
@Lisa P.
I grew up in a close neighborhood where a group of families often had dinners and parties together. It was a wonderful place and way to grow up. One of the fathers was in recovery, and the other adults never served alcohol around him and his family. He remained in recovery successfully (and our families have stayed in touch for two generations). Why not support people you care for in this way?
44
@BFG I have a young relative with a long-standing, life-threatening alcohol addiction. I had a sister with a lifelong alcohol addiction that contributed to her untimely death, and her husband's alcoholism did the same for him. My father was an alcoholic who stayed sober the last 20 years of his life after a rehab stay. For the life of me I cannot understand why our family gatherings continue to include alcohol. Yes - we can't control advertising, social pressure, the world. Can't we at least make our homes a safe and sober place?
29
Painting & Neighbor:
Slip an invite for a casual happy hour at your place and invite a few neighbors. They can bring wine and you provide some light snacks. Make sure you invite the neighbors with the painting.... and leave your number on the invite. Do not mention the painting! Hopefully they show up. Very, very casually (this will take some finesse) you can say something like "I like to walk at night and I can't help but notice the painting. It really is stunning!" Then say nothing and see if they offer up the story about it. That should give you enough info. For context: I often open our windows because our home is so beautiful with the windows open and the candles going (battery but look real), and I love the effect of our front rooms; I'm even a little hopeful people walk by and enjoy the view because it really is lovely. I'm very involved in my neighborhood as a volunteer, walk my dog, etc, so definitely not unneighborly or standoffish. But even I would be a little weirded out by a neighbor being able to describe something vividly in my window and leaving me a note. If your neighbors are so proud of the painting that they leave it well lit and windows open, I have no doubt they will want to tell you about it given the right atmosphere. But then again, they might, like an old family recipe, leave out or embellish just enough... so that they are the only ones with the talk of the neighborhood piece of art :) Good luck!
6
@Chelsea That sounds like a lot of work inviting people over just to find out about a painting and not even a guarantee that the person who wants to know about the painting would come since you no one knows who that is to begin with, much less be in the group invited. Philip is correct the admirer should just leave a note in the mailbox with an email address. I have a huge painting hanging in my living room which can be seen clearly from the street-sidewalk I would have no problem if someone were to leave a note.
7
Or someone above made a good suggestion about taking a photo of the work and consulting local galleries or other art experts.
That lady should’ve tipped her hat and said thanks, buddy. Cowboy style.
17
#1 For gods sake tip the man. But yeah he was sorta rude, benefit of the doubt.
#2 Your parents are not going to change their eating habits. Invite to your house if you afraid of being triggered.
#3 Way creepy to knock. Note is also creepy. Quit looking inside their house. Let it go.
#4 Separate checks please!
26
@Marti Mart It doesn't sound as if he's peeking in the window. If you don't want anyone seeing in, close the blinds! Otherwise, assume that people will not avert their eyes and look only straight ahead as they walk down the street. Nothing creepy about it at all.
15
I can't count the number of times a guest has lost or left behind a personal belonging and my being yelled at for it. I didn't find it, or I stole it, or many other kinds of crazy. All for something I did not lose. All for something I made every effort to locate. But I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have given some sort of thank you in the form of money. Just a thank you is enough. Which may take two hands to count. But the kindness shown will never equal the hysterics of those lost souls.
36
Wow, reading some of these comments is downright depressing.
I decided in 2018 to move to Mexico, and have been here for over a year now. One of things I love about living here is the ability to help my neighbors and my hosts, the Mexicans, by being generous with my tips, employing them for needed jobs and paying decent wages, and just overall trying to spread kindness and respect.
Hawaii is a very expensive place to live, and I'm assuming if you can spend several hundred dollars a night for a hotel room, you can spare five bucks to show your appreciation for the gentlemen securing your hat in place that was easy for you to find. How was he supposed to know who the hat belonged to, unless it had a name tag, which I'm assuming it didn't.
A lot of stingy people here who wrap their hate around their justification.
37
@Jennifer She already spent an extra $100 per room for gratuities. The stingy people are the employers, if it is true they don't pay enough 'to pay the bills'.
34
@Roger in my experience resort fees have nothing to do with tips. It’s just a corporate way to get more money for amenities that SHOULD be included in room rate, like WiFi, golf course, lobby newspapers, etc.
30
@Jennifer Honestly, you seem kind of condescending to the Mexicans.
16
Bulimia and junk food: Kind of harsh to stop visiting your parents. If they can't live without junk food, you can ask them to put it out of sight before you visit. If they refuse, you can rightly accuse them of not caring about you or your health.
Painting reveal: Unlike the columnist, I would not respond to a note from a stranger asking about my painting. I would be creeped out, although less than by somebody ringing the doorbell. I would close the blinds routinely, instead, or move the painting.
Expensive wine: Splitting checks is an old-fashioned nicety that has always caused endless problems and resentments. Its time may be past. Ask for separate checks when you order. That way people can have whatever they want. If you do that and your friends suddenly start ordering cheaper wine (very likely), you'll know you've been scammed.
17
@GreaterMetropolitanArea If they’re all sharing the bottle of wine together, separate checks doesn’t work. Or it forces everyone to order by the glass, which is more expensive.
2
@GreaterMetropolitanArea Why scammed? I don't understand.
@Sarah D. because the other couple was only ordering the expensive wine when the check was split
2
The guy who found the hat was quite rude, I never would have tipped with a snarky comment like that. The bigger problem, as others have said, is the low minimum wage resulting in people like the pool attendant begging for tips for nothing other than doing their job. Should he have thrown the hat in the garbage instead? Increase the price of services, pay a living wage, and let’s kill this absurd tipping culture once and for all!
And yes, include the exorbitant “resort fee” in the price!
38
Resort fees: Just a scam way of saying the room you booked cost $100 dollars more then it said it did online. The pool attendant isn't seeing a dime of those resort fees. Tip the guy. Just call it part of the resort fees. Part of the gestalt of resorting is being loose with your cash. Problem solved. I submit this advise with the caveat of never having been a resorter. Therefore, it should be ignored. Hope that's helpful.
27
Re: splitting checks. When we go out with friends, we always split checks. However, on rare occasion, I want to order the super expensive special. When I do that, I also insist on separate checks. The restaurants we go to never seen to have a problem doing either.
15
re: Tipping.
Yes, its an antiquated thing, based on having servants and all that kind of thing.
Nevertheless, many, many people survive on tips.
If restaurants, resorts and so on could be forced to pay a living wage, tips would no longer be needed. But, they're not.
TIP the guy. Don't overthink it.
27
I would be very honest with the pool attendant and tell him that his response ,while understood, is interpreted as snarky , impolite, or rude and guests would be less inclined to tip for his service. A pleasant response is more likely to elicit gratuities. Service staff is underpaid and most deserving and appreciative of any small token. I prefer to give feedback and suggestion to the offender first. They usually appreciate it.
12
When you go to an all inclusive resort, one of the benefits is you don’t have to carry cash. It is not expected to tip individuals, and certainly not somebody who was really just doing their job. They didn’t go out of their way at al. This passive aggressive comment should hand been reported to the manager.
33
@Paul
The headline was misleading. It was a resort, but not an all-inclusive one. Those really don't exist in Hawaii.
12
1%er problem...
10
I agree with other readers who have argued that the pool attendant placing an item in the Lost & Found did not appear to provide a service beyond his regular job duties. If the attendant had tracked down the hotel guest and brought the hat to their room, yes, that is worth a tip. But placing the hat in the Lost & Found sounds about as routine as taking used pool towels to the laundry room, assuming that is part of his job.
By the way, as a college professor I occasionally find items (including laptop computers!) left behind in classrooms. I promptly take them to the nearest administrative office where students can recover them. Where's my tip?
86
I was a park ranger for years and found thousand and thousands of dollars and that much property. We returned as much as possible and turned the rest over to the local sheriff. No tip was offered or expected. Granted I did not earn minimum wage. If the attendant chased the owner gown, then tip!
34
@Metaphor :
re: being tipped for returning laptops....you're presumably a professional paid a living wage and probably have benefits (health insurance, etc) as well. You are no where near the situation of the pool attendant or a waitress.
26
@Metaphor
The difference is that you don't work in a resort or live on tips.
22
Putting aside an item that someone left behind for safekeeping is something we do as a kind human beings, even if it is, "not your job." I worked in the service industry for over a decade and did many nice things for customers, including the countless times I chased down diners who forgot their leftovers. They'd already paid and it wasn't part of my job, so by your rationale, I should have just tossed the forgotten food in the trash. Misplaced purses, coats, hats, credit cards, those are all things that we would appreciate someone holding for us, and I assume that's why most of us try to return lost items to our customers. Finally, it is not unheard of to not carry around cash at an all inclusive, especially by the pool.
37
@M
It wasn't all-inclusive, it was a resort hotel.
3
The bulimic woman is rude to expect her parents to change their purchases to accommodate her food troubles.
I agree with the husband, the woman could have gone back and given the hat finder a few dollars, but he was rude to her and I don't think that ought to be rewarded, truth be told.
The other dinner couple might very well be there for the expensive, for them more preferable, wine.
13
@Emily Would you think the same thing if the food in question wasn't junk food? What if she believed she was "triggered" by non-organic vegetables? Or meat? Or the color blue? Her problem isn't the food. Enabling her by buying into her belief that the foods she finds scary are the cause of her problem doesn't help her. Allowing her to believe the only way she can get better is by protecting herself from being in the presence of certain foods doesn't help her. The food is not the problem. Her thoughts about the food (and herself) are the problem. It is painful to see someone you love struggling with an eating disorder, but participating in the illusion that you can fix it for them doesn't help them.
22
@Diane Eating disorders are an actual disease, and recovery is a very long, and difficult journey. If her parents cared, they'd make minor changes for their own flesh and blood. Your intolerance makes me quite a bit queasy and I pray you don't have friends/families with eating disorders, since you apparently not willing to help them in their recovery process.
26
Tipping is an antiquated practice from days of servants having room and board as payment and hoping for a few crumbs of tip from the wealthy elite, it has somehow managed to make it's way into our modern society. Sigh. Maybe US culture we want to feel rich too...? "here's a little something extra for you little person" really? How demeaning.
We all work. Why is it some workers have to rely on handouts? The generosity of... other workers. Because the boss doesn't pay them a living wage? How is this our problem? What's next a line item for health care? "Hey, you should tip the healthcare section too. You know they work so hard!"
In the end, this pool guy was RUDE. I'd say "I don't pay your bills either, that's your job"
19
Re: Top Shelf
I would let friends know that they don't appreciate the expensive stuff enough to justify.
6
Wow, the mean-spirited remarks about the pool attendant has me assuming the people who wrote them have lived a very privileged life, never depended on tips to make ends meet, and - even though they have enough money to afford an all-inclusive resort, can't part with a couple of bucks for the plebeians who serve them.
"Oh, thanks, let me give you something as soon as I get to my room /next time I'm at the pool".
If you cant afford to tip service people don't travel.
35
@Dee
The headline was confusing. It wasn't all-inclusive, it was a resort hotel.
2
@Dee If you can't afford to live on the wage given by your employer, change jobs - or vote for the political party whose platform includes raising minimum wage and other social programs to benefit one's class, just like we wealthy do.
19
Separate checks please. Problem solved.
13
@PaulN
Not if the couples share a bottle of wine.
2
I was a little surprised that the ethicist thought it ok to call out the husband for not being on the same page as the wife when it came to junk food in the house. I found that unnecessarily critical. I think the ethicist needs an ethicist.
9
@Craig Kline Recovering from an eating disorder is a life long journey....if your spouse can't support you than why even be married to them?
25
@Craig Kline - This is not The Ethicist. This is the Social Q's column from the Style section.
27
@Craig Kline This is not the Ethicist column. The Social Q's column is about social behavior, which may at times include ethics, but is not usually written from an ethics perspective.
18
Good and sound life advice: Don't be creepy.
Don't inquire about the painting - in no circumstances can it be interpreted as non-creepy.
21
@SteveRR I actually don't agree with you on this. People who leave their blinds open are probably proud of their home and want people to see it. So I think it's a compliment to the taste of the homeowners. I agree with the suggestion of leaving a note in the mailbox. Of course, if the home owners are creeped out then they will possibly start closing the blinds. That's what I would call a hint and drop the subject.
19
Depending on the orientation of the house, all that direct light is irreparably damaging to the painting. Close those blinds, art-loving homeowner!
1
The best answer for the window display may be to leave a stamped, self-addressed postal card. The respondent reveals nothing the questioner does not already know, answers the question, learns how much attention they are drawing, and has the opportunity to respond or not.
21
I like this. I read this question and answer to my husband and our biggest concern was (as the respondent) possibly revealing personal contact details to some rando!
7
Give the tip aggressive pool attendant a couple of bucks, we all have bad days on occasion. It's such a minor thing, that it nots worth a second thought.
Enjoy your neighbor's lovely art work. Unless you can contrive to meet the owners and ask innocently "I walk past this building every evening and I admire this painting through the window each time. I wish I knew the artist." Then they can volunteer that they are the owners and the name of the artist or they can just say "Oh" because they prefer not to discuss their artwork with a peeping art aficionado.
Re The wine- this is an issue that you should just address directly. Very simply state: "We should have addressed this with you sooner. Mary and I would prefer to limit our wine selection to something costing less then (insert amount) from now on. Would you mind accommodating us and choosing wines in this price range?" They'll likely say "Sure" with further explanation sought or needed. Alternatively, contact the restaurant in advance of your reservation and inquire about their policies about bringing your own wine. Some places may be open to the idea and charge a corkage fee while others will reject it. Never hurts to ask.
9
As fir my two cents:
For the hat left by the pool the attendant’s mini rant absolved you from giving any tip. He stated his case and he knew the price; if I say this I don’t deserve(expect) a tip. Let it slide but in a similar situation do tip the next time.
For the wine if the bottle is more than the cost of two dinners you can call him out and say do you really think that wine will enhance the meal that much? If it’s less just go with flow especially if you have but one bottle.
2
@Corkpop :
tip the pool attendant. Don't overthink this......in comparison to him, you are rich.
10
Re: Bulimic adult daughter. There is a middle ground here that both questioner and Galanes have missed. I agree completely that an honest, heartfelt request to parents explaining the medical stakes of the situation is in order. But really all that needs to be controlled is what foods they offer when you are visiting, not what foods they purchase and keep in their house. Controlling the former seems a reasonable, indeed necessary, medical request (and would include keeping junk foods that trigger you out of sight when you visit); controlling the latter seems to dictate how they live their own lives.
36
Expecting a tip for putting a hat in the lost and found, and then having the audacity to make a guest feel bad! The pool attendant needs to look for another job, one that doesn't rely on tips.
66
@Roberta, Good grief, what a "Let them eat cake" type of reply. Undoubtedly, if they could, they would. The resort worker handled it badly, but someone with an ounce of generosity of spirit would find it in themselves to part with $5 or $10 for someone who so badly needed it.
7
@Remy More than a tip, that employee needed a lesson in good customer service and graciousness in the face of (maybe) under-appreciation.
4
I couldn't disagree more on the food issue; the child wants to dictate the food the parents buy? How does this person shop at a supermarket if junk food is so "triggering" to them? Here's a thought; stay out of your parents' kitchen, and don't visit at meal times.
32
I naively imagined that an all-inclusive resort in Cuba would preclude the necessity of carrying cash around but found that I was dropping $20-$50 a day on servers, maids, towel boys and drivers. If anything, tipping was more frequent than customary; it certainly seemed more passive-aggressive.
7
@ADN :
great answer and yes, pertains to those who live on tips in the U.S. as well.
1
@CJ When I was in Cuba a year or two ago I was paying about $85 a night for a small AirBnB-type room; the manager's mother lived on $17 a month. So each person you tipped at that resort probably made a week's typical wage every time you tipped them (and probably about a week's typical wage for a Cuban doctor . . . maybe some of them were doctors who got lucky!), and as several people were doubtless tipping each one, they were doing REALLY well. I will leave it up to you to decide as to whether you were generously doing a power of good for some hardworking underpaid folks, being exploited mercilessly by a lucky few, as a relatively rich dumb foreigner, supporting an unsupportable system that exploits its population, or undermining a utopian ideal by luring educated professionals into unskilled service work
1
I find the second letter appalling. If my daughter had struggled with bulimia I would do everything in my power to help her. Not constantly offering her junk food is such a tiny ask. I think she probably would do well to limit her time around them because they are either indifferent to her welfare, or actively undermining it.
46
Most likely the latter. I hope that if she engages them on this that they don’t merely double down.
6
@Laura How is it helpful to her to participate in her belief that she is too fragile to be exposed to specific foods and that it's reasonable to ask others to alter their lives and homes to shield her from those items? People who suffer from bulimia are not served by others buying into their beliefs that certain foods are good and others are bad, that their emotions are so scary that everything possible must be done to protect them from them, and that the only solution involves controlling their exposure to those foods. You can love someone and believe they are suffering and want to help them without agreeing that the reasons they provide for their suffering are accurate.
11
@Em She has been struggling for 20 years. I will defer to her experience as to how to manage her disease.
21
"man for keeping track of your hat. (Not his job!)"
It most certainly is his job to collect items left behind by guests. And to store them someplace, possibly in a central lost and found.
44
To the woman in recovery from bulimia - I see you and I'm proud of you! I don't have any advice, and I hope that everything goes well for you.
36
The hotel worker did their job in the most basic way and didn't go out of their way. Putting something in Lost and Found does not deserve a tip. If it did, I should've received dozens of tips by now in my lifetime. Anytime any worker (taxi driver, receptionist, waiter, etc.) verbally badgers me for a tip, effectively the tip is cut off. I'll decide when, where and how much I'll tip.
Your all-inclusive resort choice doesn't sound great: $100 per room "resort fees"? Rude staff badgering guests? My experience of the Aloha spirit has been completely mind-blowing with no open palms held out.
22
Perhaps a reasonable compromise for the LW suffering from bulimia (awful disease) and her parents would be that they keep stocking and eating the foods they like but stop constantly offering it to their daughter.
18
@Kaleberg
I reckon the daughter is an adult and can say "no" to whatever food or junk food she's been offered by her parents or anyone else. Yes, her parents can be considered too insensitive to her medical condition but at the end of the day, she has to take responsibility for herself. If that entails restricting visits to her parents, so be it - make them visit her at home where she can control the environment.
5
The headline on this piece says "I thought this was an all-inclusive resort," but Sally doesn't say "all inclusive." If the resort (or cruise ship) is truely "all inclusive," then no tipping, period." However, resorts, etc. sometimes advertize "all inclusive," but then add a tip to your final bill (which you can offen delete if you carefully act by their deadline for doing so).
Resort fee, amenity fee, etc. is just a scam (unless it's completely optional). Maybe Sally naively thought that the "resort fee" equaled true "all inclusive," but she doesn't say that expressly. Lesson learned.
All that having been said, it is so sad on many counts that the pool boy asked for a tip for returning the hat. That would have shocked me (as a guest or hotel manager). (FYI, when a tip is appropriate, I'm a very generous tipper.)
16
A few years ago at a block party I told a neighbor that when I walked my dogs at night, in the dark, I could see into her dining room from the street. I also told her that I thought her back lit china cupboard looked beautiful all lit up from the street.........I guess she was horrified by my compliment. The next time I walked my dogs in the dark she had put up blackout drapes. Mind you when I am out I am on the sidewalk on the other side of the street at least 75 yards away........It still makes me chuckle every time I go past her house!!
23
Honestly, leaving a note in the mailbox seems insanely creepy - even more so than knocking on the door - which is also creepy, so please, if the LW is reading this comment, DO NOT do either. One will live without knowing the name of the artist.
26
I think the pool attendant was rude to respond to her that way. Finding a hat is not a tippable act.
I have worked in jobs where there was no tipping but if we found lost items, to me, the reward was the person who was so happy to be reunited with the lost glasses/keys/phone/wallet, etc. Wouldn't you want that too?
19
So now we have to tip for basic human decency/honesty? Terrible advice.
50
@Laurie Sorrell Basic human decency? We have a person with enough money to go to an all-inclusive resort vs a minimum wage pool attendant.
Was he rude? Yes? Was she cheap? Yes. Given the circumstances of their lives, give the poor guy a few dollars.
17
With LR 1, I had a good laugh. Waitresses would come back to the kitchen and tell the chef table 24 sends compliments
The chef’s retort never varied...”compliments doesn’t buy the baby shoes”. We chuckled every time
I’ve realized a long time ago... that $5 brings more joy to a low earning worker than it will you
19
@Karl The chef had a funny line, but does that mean we are also supposed to tip the chef? Tipping low-earning workers is one thing, but isn't the chef usually the highest-earning worker in the restaurant (aside from the owner and maybe the manager?
8
@Pat
For heaven's sake. Did you miss the point intentionally or by accident? Please, reread, and think. And FEEL. It's still possible (don't know how much longer, though) to be a perceptive and compassionate human being.
2
Given all the money the first writer undoubtedly spent to stay at her resort, she could easily have afforded to tip the pool attendant. I think she is stingy.
14
So the pool attendant should be rewarded for not stealing her hat?
22
As to the Hawaii resort question: The writer should have gone back the next day and spoken kindly to the attendant, explaining “I understand how you feel, but your comment was rude and likely to get you reprimanded or even fired. For your own sake, you should change your behavior.” Then, give him the $5 tip and a warm smile.
13
I'm surprised by Mr. Galanes statement that picking up lost things from the pool area is not part of a pool attendant's job. "Getting things myself from lost-and-found" is not a tipping scenario in my book.
I would certainly have been taken aback and would have reported the comment. I have no idea how on earth a guest is supposed to know if a particular employee has a pattern of bad behavior. It would have been totally appropriate for Sally to report the comment and it would have been the job of the pool attendant's supervisor to consider whether this is a bad day fluke or part of a pattern.
40
All these people griping about tipping have clearly never had to work for tips. They may have started as a way to supplement a person's salary, but now they *are* the salary and probably the largest portion of it, depending on the role. In many places, employers are allowed to pay less than minimum wage to tipped employees because it is assumed that tips will raise their income to that level. When I was a waitress, I was paid just $2 per hour. My check effectively just paid the taxes on my real income, which was my tips.
I fully support changing that system and requiring that everyone get paid a living wage and that tips go by the wayside, like in Europe. But that's not the world we live in and that doesn't help anyone today. So, I would say, yes, *generally speaking*, you should tip someone at a hotel that performs a service for you (or someone that delivers your pizza, or serves your lunch, or brews your coffee, etc.)
That said, anyone who works for tips knows that their attitude is a big factor in what they receive. As a waitress, if I gave bad service or stuck my foot in my mouth on something, I knew that I could kiss my tip good-bye. That's just the way it is. And in this instance, the guy had a bad attitude and his comment was out of line, so, I wouldn't have tipped him.
25
@Josie -- I DO tip someone at a hotel that performs a service for me or delivers my pizza or serves my lunch or brews my coffee.
I don't see why -- when I've gone back to the hotel pool to retrieve something I've left and, when I ask the attendant if he's seen it, am handed to item -- I should give that person a tip. Because he didn't keep it for himself?
62
@ADN - And maybe he didn't even pick it up himself. On a few occasions I've found an item someone has forgotten and taken it to an employee, explaining that I've found it and am giving it to them for safekeeping. Giving a forgotten hat to the pool boy would be the logical thing to do.
4
@JM
1. Because he picked it up instead of leaving it there.
2. Because he lives on tips and you don’t.
3. Because he’s right, gratitude doesn’t mean much these days but a tip does.
4. Because it’s the decent humane thing to do, which must’ve escaped you somewhere along the line.
10
Some good general advice - reminiscent of a modern "Miss Manners"!! I DO disagree with Mr. Galanes on occasionally, sometimes vehemently, lol. In this edition of his column, i would say to the person who loves the painting which is so easily visible from the street, to simply knock on the door, say that they ADORE the painting and would love to know a bit about it. I do similar things all the time, and have never had a negative response: people are usually quite happy when they are told either explicitly or implicitly that they have great taste, and they usually share what they know about the admired objects, even with complete strangers.
15
I agree in principle on a personal approach if possible, and would be happy to provide info to someone who admired something they could see from outside - except I would not open a door to someone I don’t know after dark. I recommend trying a personal approach during daylight hours, if that’s not possible go with the note.
11
@Joseph Ross Mayhew
But don't do that after dark!
5
@Joseph Ross Mayhew Yes, but you are from Canada!
(For the record, I love Canada and even know all the words to O, Canada. Just teasing here, but in truth Canadians are really, really nice!)
7
The question from the woman struggling with bulimia should be answered by a competent therapist, not an ethicist. When a family member was struggling with bulimia the therapist told me NOT to comply with requests to keep certain foods out of the house. The compulsion is the sufferer's issue, and her attempt to control other people's behavior instead of her own is a distraction, and worse, an attempt to evade responsibility for her own choices. Enabling this attitude is not helpful. Husband is right, ethicist is ill informed.
102
@ML
If you mean changes her behavior by choosing not to see her parents, sure. She's saying that it's triggering; some alcoholics can hang out in bars and some cannot.
8
@ML My brother was an alcoholic. I didn't keep liquor out of my house, but I also didn't offer it to him.
33
@ML
You're confusing this social column w/The Ethicist. Mr. Galanes isn't an ethicist.
Still, you're correct that the problem is the patient's not her parents'.
12
LW#1: During a recent stay at a Southern California hotel which presented numerous problems and flaws, we twice had to call downstairs for some small item, and gave the runner a tip ($2 or $3). It is a small amount to pay to make someone smile.
11
@Marilyn Sue Michel -- again, you gave money to the person who brought something to you.
If you forgot your toothbrush and went down to the front desk to get one, and the attendant handed you a toothbrush -- would you give that person a tip?
12
In this letter I think the “rub” is that (1) LW realized quickly that the hat was left and immediately ran down to personally claim it, (2) in so doing legitimately didn’t think to bring cash and (3) was the recipient of a snarky comment. I kind of agree with the husband in general, but LW appears to not have been expecting a service and putting something in lost and found is something random people do every day with no expectation of reward.
21
Perhaps a tip of the hat to recognize the good deed.
I think the neighbor’s painting should be appreciated without any intrusive action. Some things in life best to remain a mystery.
Try ordering the wine first. If your friend objects, have a discussion.
13
@Bello -- What "gpod deed" was done by the pool attendant? Not stealing the hat?
16
I occasionally dine with 4 or 5 old friends. We are all in the same profession, and all make enough money. One of us is quite exuberant and likes to order many bottles of expensive wine, and he also sometimes insists, if that evening 3 of the 4 are men, that we men pick up the tab for the lady among us. I sometimes used to wince because this was by far the most expensive and alcoholic meal of the year for me. But now I've stopped worrying. These are memorable experiences, the friendship is deep and long lasting, and it's just a lot of fun. Plus, I get to taste wines I would never try by myself, and can live 2 hours as if I had an unlimited budget every day. I just bite the bullet and live with it. Oh, and I treat myself to a ride service to get there and back home, eliminating one more worry. I prefer to save on other things.
74
@Bluestar That's you though. The person writing the letter knows it's an option to sit back and say nothing, but obviously that doesn't work for them, or they wouldn't have bothered writing!
8
My husband and I talked about this letter, because while we are enthusiastic about wine, we are on a budget and agree that restaurant wine price markup is usually not the best value unless there’s a rarity/group consensus of enjoyment involved. (We can indulge at home for a fraction of the price). Sounds like the LW and spouse can take or leave these expensive wines, and it’s possible the other couple simply means well in terms of trying to be convivial. I think the compromise could work here.
5
@Bluestar Why would the woman in the group not be capable of paying her share? You just said everyone is well paid. What is it about being female that renders her in need of aid?
5
For the first letter:
I can’t convey how many times, both within the course of work and in my own life, I have facilitated getting a lost or misplaced item back to its rightful owner. And I have never expected to be tipped, nor would I accept money for simply doing the right thing (for the record, I have never been highly salaried). That man’s attitude sounds close to extortion if he thinks someone has to pay him just to get back their belongings. His remark about thank you not paying the bills is pretty specious, too - does he really pay his bills with tips from holding lost items? Each of us - him too -gets through life partly with the kindness of strangers. We’re all human.
121
It's so funny - I've had virtually the exact same experience with appreciating a neighbor's artwork thru her open windows! Fortunately, I live in a small apartment complex and kinda/sorta figured out which apartment it was. When I met an older lady in my hallway and she mentioned which apt. she had, we had a really nice discussion about the painting - she was absolutely tickled! I think, as long as you present it properly, most people would be very happy to know you appreciated their good taste!
55
Agree that resort fees are a scam, especially when they are charged whether or not you use the special amenities. It's like charging every guest for valet parking, even if they arrive by cab. Or charging every guest for wifi even if they deliberately left their laptop at home in anticipation of a device-free vacation.
If the fee is automatically charged to every guest, it should be part of the base rate. What are they going to break out next, a "reading fee" for the local travel mag and hotel brochure cluttering up the desk in every room?
21
Order 2 bottles of wine! Take turns ordering, and share them both. With good food and good conversation, one bottle isn't enough for four adults anyway. The back-to-back comparison might help you confirm whether one wine really is/isn't better than the other. At the very least, a second glass of wine will help you feel less irritated about the price of the wine.
22
@Andrew And you can often (depending on location) take any leftover wine home.
I like your style!
Why the cheapness on tipping? It's so tiring and embarrassing, actually, to keep hearing and reading people rationalize why not they won't tip.
No one who works for tips makes "enough" money - tips are used to help pay a gap in decent pay, usually a big gap.
Personally I feel gratitude for kindness and good service, and grateful I can afford to tip. I am not wealthy by any stretch. But I tip with a full heart and gratitude.
94
@Suzanne
My son has a restaurant in Mexico. The food here is significantly less that one would have to pay in the US or Canada for an equivalent quality. He pays his staff a much higher rate than other restaurants in the area but tips are still essential in this field. With the food being less expensive, the amount of tip goes down proportionally. (ex. salad, pork chop with sauce, mashed potatoes, and asparagus, and desert for $15usd then giving a $.75 tip.) It really irritates me when some one gets a nice meal for themselves but tips below 10%. Like you, I feel grateful for the service these people provide to make my dining experience a good one. I am not wealthy either, but I have a whole lot more than the staff. I have to repeat your last sentence, with your permission. " I tip with a full heart and gratitude."
34
@Suzanne -- what's cheap about not tipping someone for handing you a hat?
Who says that the pool attendant "works for tips"?
20
@Suzanne PERFECT response! I couldn't agree more!
8
Maybe it's just me but if I left my blinds wide open and a neighbor stopped and let me know they appreciated a painting of mine I'd be touched, honored even. Surely these people must know their painting is easily viewable from the street- perhaps they placed it in that position with the blinds open on purpose? There's nothing art lovers love more than sharing their art, after all.
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@Clark
My dad was an antiques dealer - 19th century French bronzes mostly. He gave us several beautiful pieces, one of which was a late 19th century sculpture after the classical, The Wrestlers. The subject is two nude male figures wrestling. The patina on that particular bronze was exceptional - gleaming and a deep, rich color. It was really so lovely. Anyway, one day I got a knock on the door. A neighbor objected to the placement of the sculpture since she could see it when she walked by with her children occasionally and did not appreciate having to avert their eyes from the naked men in my house. Lol. My husband swapped it with a fully clothed Diana that day. I wonder if she'll ever take her kids to Europe??
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@Clark
I wondered if the homeowners were maybe making a display of their prized, unusual artwork. It can’t be lost on anyone what passersby view from the street at dark with no blinds drawn and the lights on.
5
@maneater You and your husband are lovely folks. I think i would've ordered up the largest "David" I could find to replace the wrestlers and made sure it was facing to the street.....:)
14
To avoid the over-priced wine issue, simply abstain altogether. I agree, wine of any kind is overpriced in a restaurant. Let that other couple buy the expensive bottle for themselves, and then when the check comes, contribute appropriately for what you ordered. There is no reason whatsoever to split the check evenly. People order different things with different prices, and no one has a right to be annoyed if someone wants to pay for only what they have eaten. It's not being petty, it's being equitable.
14
@PDVN I don't ever drink alcohol (it doesn't matter why) and when the situation calls for split checks, I refuse to pay a share for expense alcohol, although others have at times tried to shame me into doing that. If they want to spend their hard earned/saved money on it, fine, but I prefer to save my money for other things.
9
@PDVN -- The only thing is that in this specific situation, since the ordering of expensive wine and splitting the check equally has been going on for some time, the appropriate time for a discussion of a change to that practice is up front -- not when the check comes.
17
Or decide to do cocktails instead!
1
#3 I would find it to be a compliment if a neighbor admired something at my house and see no issue with asking or leaving a note! If you leave blinds open at night fair game. I live in the city and enjoy seeing the architecture/decorating in the historical apartments around here.
62
Tipping for putting a hat in the lost and found? Has life become so bad that people cannot do the right thing and return a lost item without thought of a reward? This reminds me of call centre agents who solicit positive commendations when a caller thanks them and says they did a good job "oh, would you like to tell my supervisor about your positive experience?" I think that soliciting for tips is actually a sign of poor service and maybe poor work habits.
I don't know what the mark up is on alcohol in your neck of the woods, but we rarely ever order wine here as the mark up is usually around 100% here (and given the taxes and fees in the price, that pushes the cost well above double what I typically see in the US). I don't mind spending on nice wine that I can enjoy at home, but I wouldn't be spending double for wine on top of a restaurant meal.
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@nvguy Restaurants mark up wine 300%.
3
@nvguy Re: your call center comment. As someone who has worked in a call center, I can tell you that the people who solicit positive commendations aren't trying to get rewarded for "doing the right thing". They're trying to ensure that they are properly compensated for the job that they do. Soliciting positive commendations is one of the few things that they can do to promote their careers and secure raises (beyond keeping their call stats in the green, which is usually just considered baseline performance). I'm sure they'd be more than happy not to ask this of you, but they don't really have a choice if they want to improve their financial and employment situation.
10
@nvguy Yeah, I've also worked in a call center, and trust me, the last thing I wanted to do was ask the people calling in to answer the survey at the end of the call. But, we had a script we had to follow for the end of a call, and if QC pulled a call and you didn't both offer to refer the customer to another financial service AND request they answer the survey, you got written up. Only do one but not both? Written up. 3 such write-ups and you were penalized. 5 such write-ups in 3 months, and you could be fired.
So yeah, those call center reps you complain about soliciting positive recommendations? They're probably just trying to keep their jobs. That was the most thankless 6 months of work I've ever done, but it kept food on the table until my husband found a new job.
8
The couple with the wine problem should find out corkage at the chosen restaurant and bring a great bottle that will probably cost what they would like to spend for a middling bottle on the restaurant list. That will open a discussion with their friends about value perceptions and preferences. As to the painting, it is ok to inquire but don't be surprised if the curtains are closed promptly at dusk from that point on. As to the tip, the guy was rude--I mean, it is obvious that someone will come back looking for a hat, and it shouldn't be thrown away. His effort was minimal. A big thank you should be enough, and if you happen to go back the next day maybe consider a tip at that point. Tips should not be bullied out of people! Try traveling in Japan, where they will go all out for you because that it what civilized people should do, with no tipping incentive.
54
Picking up a hat that was left and putting it in the pool hut seems like a normal part of the job of a pool attendant. He wasn't really going out of his way or being unusually nice to do that. That's probably what he's supposed to do with forgotten items. A tip would be a completely reasonable thing to do, but I'm not sure that I would have thought it was required here.
A pool attendant who's insisting on a tip for every minor assistance to a guest is going to be tamping down a lot of resentment pretty quickly.
That being said, resort fees are a scam, and 0% of that money is going to the staff in most circumstances. A large resort fee isn't a reason to avoid tipping.
203
Where does the tipping stop? The pool attendant didn't track her down, he didn't deliver the hat to her room - he cleared it off a chair and effectively put it in lost-and-found. If a fellow guest had found the hat and turned it in to lost-and-found, should the guest have expected a tip for his part? Should we have no expectations of common courtesy in a resort setting? Do we tip for every single polite interaction? Hold the door for me? Tip! Smile at me kindly? Tip! Hand me my key? Tip! Point out the lobby bathroom? Tip! The solution here is not to turn minimum wage workers into panhandlers, but to raise the minimum wage to one people can live on. Heavy tipping may help individuals, but it perpetuates a system in which corporations dodge their responsibilities to their employees.
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@Laurel Yes. She is not his employer, and her tip won't make any real difference if his pay is not sufficient to meet his needs. That is his problem to solve.
18
@Laurel: Agreed; the minimum wage should be increased and the tipping system abolished. However, tipping is the system we have. If you're so bothered by it, work to change it.
Meanwhile, you're not contributing to raising the minimum wage by refusing to tip those who help you. Your actions sound like an excuse to me.
At the very least, you should tip the housekeepers who clean your room. They're paid starvation rages
23
@pam
Not all housekeepers are paid starvation wages. There was just an article in this paper about the hotel workers union in NYC and their wages. some make 50,000 a year.
8
Window shopping...I would not like getting a note in my mailbox or approached in any way by someone telling me he's been looking in my window. I am 66, live alone, and that would really bother me. On the other hand, it would alert me that people are looking in my window, and I would be more careful to pull the blinds in the evening. So, I guess, do me a favor and tell me you're peeking, but don't expect me to respond to your note.
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@chrisinroch
I agree--if I respond to an unsolicited note, I have to use my email address or phone. I prefer not to reach out to strangers and reveal my contact info, no matter how pleasant or curious the stranger is.
20
@oxocyn Oh now, if I wrote you a note telling you my name is Anne and I live in the red house on the corner, I walk/jog through the neighborhood in the evenings and have admired your painting that would bother you? Why do you live in a neighborhood? Move to a high-rise apartment and you won't be bothered any more.
9
I think the attendant was completely out of line and I would have reported him. what he did when he found the hat is what one would EXPECT from a decent human being.
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@Urban.Warrior
I always think and share two things. One is, honesty is the best policy. I have not told a white lie or any kind of lie in at least the last 25 years. It is refreshing to gauge reactions and get honesty in return. An honest answer is always appreciated. I am assertive but never aggressive or nasty with my comments. I appreciate honesty back too. I really want to know the truth, always.
The second thing is, if people are bold enough to say something, you can feel bold enough to reply to what has been said.
Thank you does not pay the bills, it is true but I am not required to tip as requested all day, everyday at my regular daily encounters. It should not be expected of me to make up the difference in your poor pay scale. Simply said, enough is enough.
10
@Urban.Warrior
Yes, this. Also, there's the unpleasant undercurrent of a threat along the lines of "I didn't steal it from you so pay me."
14
The painting admirer: Why not use this as an opportunity to meet the neighbor (a good thing in itself)? Is there a time when the homeowner tends to be outside, like for the garbage, the mail, or lawnwork? I would try to meet that person when they are out by their house and introduce myself. Then I would say something like, ‘I love the artwork you have on display and would be interested to know more about it.’ You will probably learn something about the art, you will have paid the homeowner a compliment on their taste and you will have had an icebreaker with a neighbor.
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An eating disorder that involves bingeing on junk food isn’t a simple matter of “changing behavior” like going to the gym more often would be. This is deep seated and may involve brain mechanisms similar to OCD. The presence of junk food can be triggering the way alcohol is to an alcoholic. If the wife isn’t yet aware of this research, she may want to learn more and help her family understand.
29
@Sandra Wilde No, it's not a matter of changing behavior, it's a matter of changing thinking. Food and alcohol aren't nefarious demons, forcing unwitting souls to avoid them at all costs, lest they consume them and lose control. As long as LW believes she is "triggered" by certain foods, at their mercy and out of control, she will feel anxious and try to avoid them. But food is everywhere. How limiting our lives become when we believe we have no agency over benign, inanimate objects. Instead of trying to change everyone and everything around her (a frustrating and losing battle), LW would be better served by receiving good counseling. A good therapist could help her discern the parts of life she can control (her thoughts, herself) and the parts she can't (everyone and everything else).
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@Em. I should have said a little more. Binge eating can be treated with medication.
1
@Sandra Wilde Not sure how that's related to your first comment. Just because a loved one struggles with disordered eating or drinking does not mean it's appropriate or helpful to agree with the premise that the food or drink they use is a trigger or a problem. The problems they experience are caused by their thoughts. Believing they need to be protected from certain items only affirms for them that the problem isn't something they can handle without controlling everyone else and their environment, which ultimately leaves them feeling powerless.
4
Or get separate checks and order your own wine.
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I’ve noticed, and perhaps many younger working people will agree, that typically older, wealthier people gripe about tipping or calculating tips to the exact decimal, or otherwise preoccupy themselves with keeping a few bucks for themselves. Tipping is an exercise in empathy. From our (younger, broker) vantage, many of of my peers know exactly how hard it is working for pennies in service jobs, and literally every cent counts. People on resort vacations with money to blow on leisure should exercise their human compassion to spread the wealth to those scraping by and working constantly. Rich people complaining about tipping is the pinnacle of entitlement. Really gets under my skin. How selfish money can make you if you let it. Scrooge McDuck story for the ages.
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@Me
I am not an old or rich. I cannot afford to go to resorts.
I worked in service jobs for many years. Tipping is not an exercise in empathy or compassion. It is a reward for good service. Too many people in service jobs think that all they have to do is show up and be a warm, breathing body to get a tip. The pinnacle of entitlement is thinking that you are entitled to somebody else's money irrespective of the level of service provided simply because somebody is older than you and has more money.
167
"Tipping is an exercise in empathy." No, tipping is a crutch that enables service businesses to get away with paying their employees less than a living wage. That's why tipping isn't the norm in so many other countries, usually those with the highest living standards.
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@Jennifer I wouldn't blame the businesses too much (depending, I guess). It's very difficult, if not impossible, to change that system unless everyone is forced to change it at the same time. Efforts by individual restaurant groups to end tipping, for example, haven't gotten very far. If wages are raised, the costs will go up for the customer, which is completely fine if everyone does it, but a recipe for failure if your prices are suddenly much higher than your competitors'. Also, my husband works in the service industry, and if the tipping system ended and he were paid minimum wage, or even a living wage, he would be making a lot less money. He averages $40 an hour on regular nights in just tips - more for big parties or especially busy nights - and no restaurant is going to pay that unless everyone else does and the prices all go up at once. Of course, we works for a nice restaurant, so the bigger problem is with people who, even with tips, are making far less.
5
Re: the wine issue, the writer stated that he was financially comfortable but just preferred not to spend so much on wine. That is, he attributes less incremental value to pricier wine than his friends apparently do. So, it's not about being embarrassed about relative financial positions. I'd suggest that they take turns ordering the wine at alternate dinners, so each of their preferences get equal time.
131
I wouldn't report the pool attendant, but I would certainly not go back with a tip, either, unless he really went out of his way to return it to the owner, which doesn't seem to be the case.
As to the wine dilemma, invite the others to dinner at your home, and you either cook the dinner yourself, or cater it. Ask them to bring the wine.
22
We had almost the exact same wine dilemma with friends — and actually we were both more knowledgeable about wine and more financially comfortable than our friends.
We found that if the guys looked over the wine list together and my husband said something like ‘how about something in this range...’ pointing to a section of bottles in the price range where we wanted to be the couple was happy to choose in that price range - or close to it. He maybe just hadn’t been anchored at that range before.
Another solution is to order by the glass and not drink as much when out with them. We (or husband) did that when I was pregnant and it also worked well.
34
Hey, a not so good bottle of wine is still going to cost $30 and it won’t even taste good. Spring for the pricier bottle because life is too short to drink bad wine. You’re splitting it!
14
@ABaron The article didn't really address the question. The OP stated they have enough money, they just don't want expensive wine. The answer was to be honest about their financial situation, and admit they don't have as much as others. That's not the same thing. The wine aficionados know they can afford it, and they are choosing to not to contribute to something they (the aficionados) feel is important to the enjoyment of the meal.
6
@ABaron or agree not to split the cost of the wine. You order a glass at the price point you want, they order what they want. Easy peasy. Clearly this couple doesn’t find the pricey wine worth the freight. And as a person who enjoys wine I would add price rarely reflects superior taste. Plenty of moderately priced wines are excellent.
26
@ABaron They’re there for the company, not the wine.
3
Window shopping: The note is a good suggestion, but don't leave it in the neighbor's mailbox unless it is secured and has a mail drop. Only the USPS and the home residents should access the mailbox. Tape the note to the mailbox or the door.
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@Austin Actually, it's not OK for a private person to put correspondence in a secured mailbox: The U.S. Code for crimes and criminal procedure prohibits the placement of unstamped flyers in any mailbox. Title 18, section 1725 states that any person who knowingly deposits "mail-able matter" without postage in an established letter box shall be subject to a fine. The only exceptions are mail slots through doors leading inside private homes, or unsecured mail bins in apartment building lobbies. So if written communication is the desired medium here, the curious pedestrian would need to send a stamped letter to the painting's owner.
6
@Austin or put a postage stamp on it.
2
She should have tipped the attendant. Come on lady...tips are part of the resort game !! Even if you have to go backthe next day, I have doe that too !
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@Marj R.
Tipping is a nice gesture, but you don't have to tip someone who is rude to you. I used to work tipped jobs and would never have demanded or shamed someone for not tipping. The pool attendant shouldn't be working a public-facing job if this is his attitude.
14
@Marj R. - I think the issue is that the guests don't carry cash while in the resort because it's all inclusive. The woman expected to find her hat where she left it. If the attendant had provided the hat and not said anything, I bet a tip would have been provided at a later date. The attendant calling someone out was unprofessional and undeserving of a tip.
16
@Marj R. The whole point of going to an all-inclusive resort is that it's all-inclusive. I personally think they're kind of tacky and that the uneven attitudes of staff - some professional, some sulky - reflect that. But if you're going to this kind of place to begin with, you're there for the financial layout, not expecting stellar service.
4