@Betsy Cooper @Betsy Cooper First congratulations and yes, I hope you let us know how it goes! Second: Is it possible you are seeing "stigma", where once there was simply traditional acknowledgement that not all pregnancies are viable, as well as a positive preference for privacy -- a time for special bonding with a partner and relying on the intimacy of close friends and family for support before going "public"? I also worry that this "tell all" approach reinforces the idea that the foetus is a baby -- with all the moral and legal complications that governments and religions create around that concept. I had three miscarriages around the three-month mark, before having two children who are now adults. I had the support of my doctor and my sisters and I took a little time to felt sorry for myself and my partner and our hopes -- but I didn't feel the need to grieve, because I did not lose a child. Losing a pregnancy closer to term or, worse, suffering a stillbirth, is an entirely different matter, a traumatic experience and hopefully, because by then "everyone" knows, there is an outpouring of compassion for the parents' grief. I do agree with you that there is a lot to be gained by talking to one another truthfully, and sharing our experiences in order to help one another. As a feminist, I believe the personal is political, but our decisions about how to be or not be parents should remain private.
6
I told early and then had to "un-tell." Five times. This article is rife with the privilege of never having to go through that.
4
This extroverted, tell everyone everything is just ridiculous. Boundaries? Privacy?
8
The best reason why I would not announce is the 25% miscarriage rate. No reason to get everyone's hopes up with that high chance that the pregnancy won't carry to term. (My spouse experienced a miscarriage at 12-13 weeks BTW.)
2
Good for you, but that wouldn’t have been for me. I would never have wanted to be explaining to all and sundry why I wasn’t pregnant anymore—whether because of miscarriage or abortion due to severe birth defects.
I didn’t tell anyone outside my immediate family and close friends until I started showing, which was nearly six months.
4
The writer obviously thinks there's something wrong with wait-staff refusing to serve a pregnant woman even a "small" amount of wine.
Alaska has the highest rate of fetal alcohol syndrome in the country. It is no joke and has devastating consequences.
NO amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy.
Kudos to the wait-staff who refused to serve.
13
Why would I care about about someone I don't know announcing her pregnancy?
10
Congratulations, but why should "the World" be interested in you any more than any of the other 99 Million (this number not from the top of my head, but a real calculation) women in "the World" who are in exactly the same joyful situation? Will the NYT be spamming us with 99,000,000 similar announcements ("I'm Telling the World") or will the world be permitted to take it under advisement? If not, what makes you so special? Nothing personal. Just asking. Congratulations once again (to all 99,000,000 of you, not just the privileged Americans who have a pipeline to NYT, though you too).
8
Why on earth is getting/being pregnant such a big deal??The most basic of creatures manage it without any fuss. Basically, the earth needs no more people-if you want to be a parent, adopt.There's no point in living a "green" lifestyle while procreating and furthering pollution-this is white privilege at its peak.Smarten up.
5
Gosh. Pregnant. Imagine.
At this moment . . . at any moment, there are only about 94 million pregnant people on the planet. Of those, 350,000 or so are at six weeks.
Every one of them is so very special.
We are so specialing the planet to death.
I don't wish any of them ill will, but we really should put more thought into the cult of mommyhood.
6
I hope Betsy has a healthy baby. Beyond that, yawn.
9
Vasectomy prevents abortion.
4
I’m sitting on my second miscarriage in three months and I’m glad the author said what she has.
However, after reading the comments, I realize how triggering this topic is for a lot of people. My understanding is that the author advocates that people tell whomever they want, when they’re comfortable. Not a firehose approach where one tells all or none. And, I appreciate that she has the imagination to propose that, if pregnancy wasn’t so political with pregnant women treated like public property, a liability, or no more than an opportunity for people to live out their hero fantasies, work conditions might get better for all people who are not one hundred percent able bodied.
With these miscarriages I am experiencing, I told select people whom I count on for support. And when it didn’t work out, I was grateful for their love and care. It gave my friends and family a chance to show up for me and whatever happens, I feel closer to my community and closer to humanity.
9
Um, not sure why “the world” needs to be told. Aren’t some things still personal, and not necessarily to be blasted from the rooftops? It’s very much a generational thing, it seems to me, to make a practice of telling THE WHOLE WORLD, instead of the handful of people who might really care. Seems to do away with the idea of intimacy, as in friendship or family. No need to be secretive, but good heavens, the fact that there are problems that can only be solved by broadcasting personal things, is the strange part.
12
I told people I was pregnancy using the date of my last period as my doctor did. It was wayyyy off. When I announced my pregnancy I was only 3 weeks along. Slightly embarrassing! I had my daughter more than six weeks after I was supposed to be due.
1
My daughter has struggled through several miscarriages. She
values her privacy.
Please respect that.
M
10
Absolutely agree it's your right to tell people, but it's an individual decision. I used to feel the same as you, I couldn't understand the "stigma" and wanted everyone to understand fertility struggles and to share in my excitement when it happened. I went through 3 years of IVF (7 IVF transfers) and sadly 2 miscarriages, the second time with twins. But then having to tell everyone I had miscarried when in reality I just wanted to grieve in private was very difficult. So while I absolutely understand your article, I unfortunately came to understand all to well why it might be best to wait. (But I get that others might be better with a strong support system, that's just not how I personally operate.)
All that said, congratulations to you and the new exciting journey you are on!!
3
I signed up for a parenting class through our local community college when my first son was born. The weekly meetings offered up a room full of parents (mostly moms) going through the same things I was, an experienced instructor, and a chance to socialize with my baby. I signed up for another class when he was 18 months and from that group we formed a book club, Readers and Breeders. We have been together 14 years now. Through pregnancies, divorce, death, weddings, heartache, headaches and also, lots of laughter. We always had an annual retreat weekend, and now that the kids are all teens we've started traveling together once a year for a women's getaway. Unlike my other friends, this group of women is one I probably wouldn't have found or bonded to without my children - and all of our lives are richer because of it. We've even read some books. Congratulations to you! I hope your pregnancy and delivery go smoothly. May you find and form your own parenting support group for all of the ups and downs that parenting brings. Wishing you the best!
1
As an 18 year old girl I never had any clue that women live in fear when they are pregnant. I always thought being pregnant is a happy thing because you are finally able to have children no matter any circumstances. I never would have thought people would be scared to share how far along they are because of losing their job or even their baby. They make up other reasons to get out of things because they don't want to lose the greatness in there lives. This is for people who are ready to share their pregnancies early on but are too scared of being out down for it. For the women who don’t feel 100% at work and can’t execute it well. I don’t get why people shame women for telling people early on, then they must live a perfect life where they do nothing wrong and everything is fine. I like how this is being covered because I had no clue and I am sure others didn’t either that women are fearful of sharing their life and don’t want to lose their jobs. This story gives great awareness and also advice to women in need on what to do with their lives and bodies during pregnancy. But on the flip side I do get why women wait to tell people because you never know what can happen. I just think women should be able to speak up and say how they are feeling and wait until they are ready to tell everyone.
6
Back in the 1980s, a colleague started eating saltines at her desk and said something about not drinking wine. I just point-blank asked her if she was pregnant, and she was so excited to say she was. It was our little secret for a few more weeks until she told our boss. And yeah... I was in my 20s and didn't know any better about asking about such things. But she and I were both glad I did. I'm all for letting women decide for themselves when and what they want to tell. My job is to just be supportive when I'm given the news.
4
When at 38, I told people right away that I was pregnant with my soon to be 20 year old daughter, one of my neighbors said to me, I shouldn’t be telling people so early. I responded why not. Anyways my 5 year old would tell everyone anyways.
2
I'm so sorry to hear all the stories of couples who miscarried after they had announced their pregnancies. They say that it was painful to have to tell people over and over again what had happened. I wonder if perhaps surrogates could help to spread the news in situations like this? Miscarriages are certainly not the only bad news you have to break repeatedly to people. When I was a young woman my fiance broke off our engagement just two months before the wedding. I told my closest family and friends and they took it from there. I've heard the same about divorced couples. Last year my sister passed suddenly and word got out around the office before I ever returned to work, so people that I was close to acknowledged my loss and everyone else just gave me space. I think this might be a viable option for couples going through the loss of a pregnancy.
4
Nice article. We also started telling it quite early.
But you forgot one reason. Superstition! :)
My mother insisted on not telling anyone until "we are sure that everything is fine". (I'm not sure when that is. Maybe after 20 years)
10
Good for you! I had seven (yes, seven) miscarriages, and I have one amazing daughter, who is the love of my life. I had to "untell" everyone after the first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. So, after that, I did not say a word (except of course to my husband and close family) until I had successfully passed the first trimester. I had to learn the hard way, esp as I had six more miscarriages after the first one (with my daughter in between).
I really hope it works out for you. It is so difficult to have to "untell" people, esp when you are already crying.
Please let us know how it goes, and mazel tov to you!
8
I waited until the 3 month mark to tell my high school students, but the majority had already figured it out!
3
In truth, a miscarriage will happen or it won't happen. Telling others about your pregnancy doesn't change that fact. It's easy to believe that one thing causes another but in truth what you say or don't say has nothing to do with retaining a pregnancy. If sharing your news makes you more joyful, then share. If you are so focused on how you might feel if things don't work out and others know, then don't share. In short, do what makes you feel best and gives you peace of mind which is the best thing that one can do for their child.
6
i think it's wrong to assume that people don't tell you that they are pregnant because of "social convention". to me, it was simply impertinent information to the *vast* majority of people in my life. sure, I confided in close friends and family, and I think that is incredibly typical, because I've also known about almost all of my close friends/families pregnancies early on (except for those who, like me, had experiences losses and simply didn't want to acknowledge the liminal state they were in). so, to assume that there is "social convention" that you don't tell other people is to me inaccurate. I think it's simply that there are social spheres of people who need/should/want to know. I think it's great that you are approaching it differently, but I would really fear a new convention of it being socially normative TO disclose far more disturbing--we don't need any more social interest in women's uterus than we're already dealing with.
2
In the work world, employers want employees to focus on their jobs, not their personal lives. A woman wanting to immediately focus on her pregnancy reinforces a negative stereotype . It makes the work world harder for women who are not mothers or who do not focus on motherhood while they are at work.
6
I think that's great you're comfortable sharing your news. Congratulations on the pregnancy. I did not share my news of either of my pregnancies until I was past the worst risk of miscarriage and had confirmed that there was nothing going on that would make me seek to abort. Your decision was right for you; my decision was right for me. If you want to advocate for pregnant women and families, I urge you to put your focus on the stigma against maternity, and on parental leave. People can figure out their own ways to share pregnancy news, but the social forces working against women with babies are strong and need to be smashed.
3
Congratulations!
I agree completely with this approach; I caveat only with a reminder that we have a lot of work to do as a society on the other end of women announcing their pregnancies. I waited well into my second trimester to tell many friends, family, and co-workers, because I had witnessed that the announcement is often accompanied by an onslaught of unsolicited advice, judgment about the various choices you're making, and people's own relationships with having/losing children. It was actually really nice to just have my partner as my confidant for a small period of time.
The fact that this has generated hundreds of comments in a few hours continues to prove how much people feel entitled to opine on a woman’s bodies and reproductive status. Even if it’s just to cry “TMI!,” “I don’t care,” or “Whatever happened to privacy?” (All of which suggests you may not have read the article or gleaned the author’s main point), it’s telling that so many felt triggered to respond at all! Sigh.
Look, I’m a women’s healthcare provider (CNM); I am sympathetic to all the reasons people may choose to tell or not tell about their pregnancies. Women should absolutely not feel obligated or guilty for sharing the news at any particular gestational age. But historically, silence about women’s bodies has led to ignorance, stigma, and political invisibility. Just read the Comments on another NYT article today on heavy menstrual bleeding, and how many women testify to their own suffering in silence and decades of misunderstanding. That’s all the author is saying: Of course it’s personal, but speaking our truth might also lend fluency to addressing our challenges navigating the world as embodied humans. She is able to make her announcement from a place of privilege, but I read her as hopeful in imagining more women might one day share that privilege.
2
Congratulations - if you ride the NYC subway, you'll notice (as my wife did) that few women will give up their seats for you. The men, yes. The women, not so much.
We had one miscarriage and one non-viable pregnancy this year. We told everyone (except social media) right away, and also told them when the pregnancies ended, even our bosses and colleagues. It was helpful to be open and honest, for us, at least. And destigmatizing! I manage a team of all younger professional women and I told them all about my OB appointments and issues. I want them to see me being open about it.
My male boss, who I consider to be progressive and a wonderful manager, did ask me if my pregnancy symptoms were "all in my head". Not great! This is why we have to be open about the realities of pregnancy with them. No, I am not making my puking up for fun, thanks!
I think being able to keep your excitement to yourself is good practice for being a parent. If you think you're overwhelmed with goodness now, wait until your child performs miraculous feats like saying Mama or leaning to go to the bathroom on a toilet or getting straight As. You'll feel incredible joy and pride, you'll want to write entire articles about your child's accomplishments and all the funny things they say! But don't. Learn to share precious news with the people who genuinely care for you and your child, and then decide that that's enough. You've been a parent for a week, and you're already exposing your kid to the masses. Spend the next few months considering your baby's privacy, now and into the future, and whether having a bunch of idiots like us comment is worth the price of admission.
For what it's worth -- I'm not discouraging you from telling people. I'm trying to highlight that this is the very first of a zillion different pieces of "news" that you'll need to decide -- is this for public consumption?
13
Congratulations, but I really don't care. That's your personal business.
15
I wish you luck with this approach. As a woman who had several miscarriages, I can tell you that sharing the 'good news' and having to tell so many people that I lost the baby (the first time) compounded my pain quite a lot. I sincerely hope you never experience that.
107
Cooper makes the statement, "I want people to know more about me..." she wants us to to become involved in some way, no matter how small, in her experience. Why does she think that people, excluding close friends and family, actually want to know about her personal life? Aside from well wishes for the mother to be I have nothing to offer.
The most important point Cooper delivers is that societal discrimination toward women is pervasive in everything we do, feel, think, want... the list is endless. Our selves, our bodies, even the lives of our unborn, do not belong to us; we are handmaids in a masculine world we help preserve.
By all means, join with others facing the same issues as you are. You wouldn't be the first pregnant woman to speak with friends about the myriad of issues pregnancy prevents.
By the same token, if you, as a pregnant woman wish to be served wine and are refused, be a lion not a mouse. Raise a bloody stink about it, demand to see the manager. If your boss sees you as simply a cog in the corporate wheel, do something about it. Women are guilty for their own discrimination when they do nothing but remain silent.
Remember women, as well as men, train their sons from birth to be the privileged, "right" sex, and their daughters to be compliant little ladies. We women perpetuate the atmosphere Cooper is talking about.
6
@Linda Hartman
"By the same token, if you, as a pregnant woman wish to be served wine and are refused, be a lion not a mouse. Raise a bloody stink about it, demand to see the manager."
NO, NO, a thousand times NO.
No amount of alcohol is safe for a pregnant woman.
NONE.
If I were the manager and had a pregnant woman demanding to be served alcohol, I would refuse, explain why, and tell her to leave.
4
Congratulations! (And to your husband, too.)
But it is an unfortunate fact that a significant fraction of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester. It's worse if you have to tell everyone.
2
Miscarrying was painful. Almost as bad were the calls 6 months later offering to photograph the baby they'd assumed I had.
2
It's up to you. However, as someone who told the world, including our six-year-old about a pregnancy, only to find out from an 11-weeks ultrasound that the fetus had died, I wouldn't. I hope your child will be heathy and happy, but with such a high percentage of things that trip a home pregnancy test ending with no baby, the secret first trimester makes sense for most.
14
You are free to do as you wish. But everyone else should do the same. I am a private person. When I was pregnant I chose not to tell anyone in the first trimester because I didn't want to have to share the news if I miscarried. When I did miscarry, I was pleased that the circle of people who I had to tell was very small. Like most things, this is personal, and to me not worthy of an opinion piece in the NY Times.
12
I don't understand the author's reference to the "stigma" of miscarriage. It's not stigma that makes women want to keep miscarriage private, it's grief. Both at the loss of the child and the loss of the expected joy and excitement that would have accompanied a healthy pregnancy and birth.
What the author fails to address is the value of privacy itself in moments of deep personal pain. Sharing is not always helpful.
19
I've known women in the workplace who were happy to share their pregnancy as soon as the test came back positive.
As it didn't have any effect on my work, I didn't bother to share my news until I needed to, and it was relatively low key.
The main thing is to continue to perform the work you were hired to do and not ask for allowances unless they're needed. Those are behaviors that will cause others in the workplace to look at your pregnancy with apprehension.
7
Congratulations!
I hope you recognize your privilege as many blue collar and contract workers are not in the position to celebrate an (early) pregnancy like you!
5
It a woman's choice to decide to whom and when she will disclose her pregnancy or attempts to become pregnant. Some women in particular demographic subgroups—for instance older (or younger) aged-to-be moms, moms with many children, moms who have experienced multiple miscarriages, moms who are new to their positions, moms in positions in which early disclosure might affect perceived ability to do their jobs, and this list goes on--may feel that disclosing early will lead to censure, unwanted opinions, and a host of other unwanted actions on the part of others. Power to this author for making the decision to disclose early if that suits her personality, life style, and personal philosophy. Also, power to the women who wait until later in their pregnancy to disclose. Also, power to everyone for deciding to whom to disclose to when they want to. . No way is "stupid" as some have insinuated in their comments. Whether to disclose pregnancy early or not is--and should be--a deeply personal decision.
6
She’s the boss. Of course there is no fear.
5
That's wonderful dear. You have a nice day now.
17
Congratulations! And ya gotta have girlfriends! So glad you're choosing to talk, because that will give you support whatever happens. I'm hoping you have a successful, viable pregnancy all the way through - but you need support, from your girlfriends, regardless!
Sure, if you want to share, so be it ...... My personal preference is _not_ to discuss the various functionings/malfunctionings of my internal organs with coworkers, but variety is the spice of life I suppose!
9
And then there are some of us who just don't care to share.
11
Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. I also appreciate your focus on the reality of yours and other women's unborn babies. Babies. Tiny humans. This is a pro-life article.
This article is ludicrous. Has it occurred to the author that 1. Many women just have no desire to share something personal before thy have to? And 2. The window of “secrecy” is pretty small (3-4 months?) before your personal life becomes public? What is this really about?
10
Are you parking in the "pregnant woman" spots at the mall?
3
Is there such a thing? I’ll park in there right now!!!
Here are the ways I've heard "Women: Pregnancy, you're doing it wrong:"
Too young, too old, too fat, too thin, she works too hard, she sits on her butt all day, she's too poor, she has so much money she hired a surrogate to carry it, she eats no meat, she eats too much meat, she drinks pop/coffee/wine, omg she's running a 5k/10k/marathon, she's already got three kids, she's had a bunch of miscarriages already, she's doing twisty yoga, she's wasting her degree....
Let's face it: In American society, if you're a woman, there's never a good time or right way to have a kid!!
11
@Kay Maybe it should be a little harder, considering that there are far too many unloved children to begin with.
1
Congrats!!
I hope no one has to experience the reality of people’s reactions if you do miscarry in the first trimester after sharing. Not everyone knows or cares to be supportive. Those congrats and happy smiles can turn cold and unsupportive real quick. It really sucks.
You’re excitement and courage to share is really sweet. Your advice...not sure it’s relatable since this sounds like your first pregnancy.
Best of luck!!
4
Pregnancy is a long road due and announcements carry the implicit understanding that all systems are go. Most women tell a small group to get the support they need (mother, close friends, a few people at work) but keep the information from being widely shared due to the desire to keep future medical decisions private. Lots can happen and, unless you're a Kardashian, most do not want to share the intimacies of tragic situations with people they don't really know.
3
Congratulations and do your announcing however/whenever you see fit. First time out, I told everyone at 6 weeks too. Then miscarried and accepted the condolences gratefully. With each failure, I waited longer. Didn't want to be pitied or viewed as a medical basket case at work.
Anyway, that was 2 decades ago. Glad your experience is better.
3
I understand the writer's points, but it seems like she listed far more reasons to keep an early pregnancy a secret. I would not want to be in the position of telling people I work with that I lost my baby.
8
Wow. What a hero. A poignant story for the ages. Not.
10
I'm an Ob/Gyn. My patients frequently ask me when I think they should announce their pregnancies. I feel it's not up to me to tell them when and how to announce their pregnancies, but I will have a detailed discussion regarding risk of miscarriage, risk of abnormalities and birth defects and when we screen for them during pregnancy. I find most of my patient opt not to announce the pregnancy after testing is done to rule out major birth defects and genetic abnormalities. If a woman chooses to announce the pregnancy at 6 weeks, of course it's her choice, but I find many times she will regret her decision if she miscarries or if she chooses to terminate her pregnancy for any reason. The author goes almost as far as making a woman feel guilty for keeping her pregnancy a secret and I do not like that. It should always be a woman's free choice when and how she wants other people to know about her pregnancy. It's a highly personal and cultural matter.
32
If the fetus doesn't make it through the first few weeks, most of the time it's nature's way of avoiding the birth of a child with multiple health issues. Until recently, most women didn't even know that they were pregnant until 6 weeks. It's the mom's business if she shouts from the mountain tops or keeps it private. Unless somehow related, no one really cares what the mom to be does.
U may think they care, they really don't.
Not unless the birth affects them.
9
This article just goes to show the exportations and disadvantages women face because of our child bearing role. I am past child bearing age and over had any on account of the physical and professional burdens and social exportations When asked by why I chose not to have any my answer is, "Were it as easy for me to have had a child as it is for men I most certainly, would have, but alas that is not the case."
7
This convention of waiting out the !st trimester before making an announcement is more historical than a social pressure if anything. In my time there was a high incident of miscarriage and then disappointment for the women or couple. In my religion this notion goes back even farther in time (I'm Jewish). So it was considered bad luck to start to prepare a room for the baby during the first trimester. Traditions do get outdated but sometimes also still make sense.
3
When I was pregnant with my first child, I hid my pregnancy at work until well into my sixth month. I was the only professional women among a staff of fifty. It was the one bachelor in my office who suspected that I might be pregnant and told me to tell my boss. When I did, I needed to bring a note from my obstetrician that I was able to work at my desk job as a systems analyst and would not fall off my seat.
8
I was so with this article until the anecdote about being refused wine at dinner. We now know that alcohol affects the fetus, and it doesn't matter how much you drink because it's a spectrum. Why anyone couldn't just forego the glass of wine for 9 months (or perhaps longer, if nursing) is beyond me. I would not expect to put any waitstaff in the position of pouring me a glass when visibly pregnant.
8
I have a different perspective about waiting until everything is perfect before announcing your pregnancy; I think you lose months of unbridled joy that those you love and trust would share with you and your partner upon learning of your pregnancy..
Tragedies do occur but to temper your joy with fear is wasteful.
The same people who would share your joy would be the ones to surround you and your partner with with unconditional support and love.
5
@Mary M. - So definitely tell those you love and trust. For most of us, co-workers and the world in general do not fall into that category.
5
It's your body, it's your life.
Some don't want attention and see pregnancy as personal and not uncommon. Some have had a hard road and want to cherish and celebrate what lies ahead And some have a mixture of these emotions and others.
Don't let other people decide how you feel. About your body or your life.
Ms. Cooper, I wish you good health on your journey to motherhood.
2
I recently had some friends who announced their pregnancy on Facebook, only to miscarry a few days later. They were devastated by the loss, and I can't imagine that the congratulations that were still trickling in made the situation any easier. If people want to run the risk of having to deal with that scenario, more power to them, but I can see why most people decide to wait.
9
Yay! Congrats.
1
It's a tough choice, weighing silence, which gives privacy, against sharing, which brings support.
1
At that there’s not much need for support from outsiders... privacy was more important to me! But everyone is different.
1
As an employer, my concern with employees who are pregnant is not the pregnancy as any sensible employer is fully aware of the biological clock. The issue that I find distressing are the substantial number of women who go out on pregnancy leave telling the employer that they will return only to find out months later that they will not be doing so. It would be far more equitable to have accurate information so that co-workers & the company do not labor under a false premise. Pregancy leave should be earned but contingent on disclosure and similarly the woman should be protected from dismisal if she is pregnant.
5
@Chris,
Having a child changes a woman’s life in many ways that cannot be predicted.
3
From a male perspective, fatherhood should be a protected job status. The job expectations change dramatically when the boss knows you're a father. The father doesn't have nausea or immobility to blame for tardiness. We don't get to explain away pumping or daycare.
"Sorry sir, I haven't slept 3 hours in 3 months; I'll have that report to you this afternoon sir. I apologize for the delay." Fatherhood has become a justification for denying advancement or terminating employees unlawfully.
6 weeks leave sounds cushy. I know fathers who were back at work before their wives even left the hospital. I know one guy who was laid off while his wife was in the hospital. No cause. At will employment. You wonder why people don't want to have children anymore.
On the other side, how can you expect a two income household to function properly with a child under 6 months? The kid isn't even sleep trained until 6 months. One if not both parents are going to under perform for at least a year. HR is still using the same performance metrics though.
I know one lady whose HR required her to take disability in order to gain 75% paid maternity leave for 6 weeks. Disability... under paid... for pregnancy... on federal tax dollars. How is this legal?
1
@Andy - I'll just comment on your last paragraph.
Are you not aware that the 12 week FMLA leave that many (not all) women are entitled to is UNPAID? An individual company may decide to give more time, or to pay its employees during that time, but they don't have to.
Therefore, the only way to receive any pay at all is to apply for disability. In general, women are eligible between 2 weeks before the birth and 6 weeks after, and the amount received is way less than 75 % of one's usual pay. Where does the money come from? Generally from the employer's insurance company, not the federal government.
3
I think the author has missed a rather large piece of why this happens. Much of this is superstitions from the old world and before modern medicine. Miscarriages and nonviable pregnancies were more common and since there was little modern medicine there was no real answer. So not telling was a way of protection that has endured int he modern world.
3
I told the world when I was pregnant at 6 weeks. And then had to 'tell the world' that the pregnancy failed after 11 weeks. And the next pregnancy also failed at about 11 weeks, but I had told nobody but my husband and that made things much easier. I waited until well into the second trimester with both my children to tell anyone about it. We all need to make decisions that work for us. This worked for me.
21
Many years ago when I was pregnant I had terrible "morning sickness" (more like as long as I'm conscious I feel like vomiting), which made work difficult. I was eyed with suspicion for looking young and healthy but feeling wretched every day. With a difficult supervisor I didn't feel comfortable discussing my situation until I was out of my first trimester, by which time the nausea began to subside. The situation reminded me of getting my period in junior high and not feeling up to participating in gym (how to tell the middle aged male teacher without embarrassment?). Respecting individual comfort levels of communication and privacy can be tricky in the work place. Best to respect privacy, take people at their word, and assume best intentions. Best of luck in your pregnancy! Being a mother was so great I did it a second time:-)
1
Firstly, congratulations! I'm glad you're experiencing this wonderful joy, and enjoying sharing that joy with others.
But please don't presume to know or judge others' experiences, including what, when or how much they share. Your points about work and structural inequalities are absolutely valid, but you step into incredibly insensitive and judgmental territory questioning fears of and/or experiences with miscarriage. Please extend the same care and compassion (and respectful distance, in some cases) that you would appreciate from others.
21
All good, but this feels like much ado about nothing. Some people prefer to keep it private. Let them do so. Some people feel comfortable sharing. Let them do so. I'm guessing most folks will share with closed and loved ones relatively early. The rest of the world really doesn't care too much either way.
17
“Perhaps most importantly, we need to start pushing back against the stigma of miscarriages and nonviable pregnancies. “
What a surprisingly shallow thing to say, specially coming from a woman (who is pregnant); people don’t fear miscarriages because of a stigma, but because it is a painful experience they would rather not make public for the world to see.
25
Dave — i think the author meant stigma insofar as there is stigma when we talk about pregnancy loss not that we should somehow feel like a loss is our stigma/shame. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.
5
The author states:
"So I am declaring myself pregnant, in hopes of making other women who feel as I do comfortable going public early as well."
This sounds prescriptive to me, creating yet another counter pressure on the reader. We all might do better just to mind our own business and make our own choices.
As a longtime reader of the NYT, I am not sure why this commentary appears in the Opinion section rather than, perhaps, the section for Health. While it expresses an opinion, it is of narrower interest, and is of a personal nature. In no way meaning to diminish the author's feelings, it is not an issue of broad political concern, and diminishes the gravitas of the NYT further, cluttered as it is with many, many articles written in the tone of victimhood over matters quite within the control of their authors. In a free society, what other people think matters only so much as the individual permits.
The author was always free to announce her pregnancy whenever she wished. I don't see the problem or the issue.
21
What an odd story--I can't decide why I am so offended by BC's stridency, since she really only is arguing for something that is already hers: the right to tell folks she's pregnant whenever she wants. But I'm put off by the facile self-centeredness and cluelessness of her comments. She notes: " I am a deeply ambitious professional woman, and I want people to know more about me than that my husband and I decided to have a child." Sounds as if she's already reduced herself in her own eyes to that decision and is projecting. Or "Women may even fear motherhood; after all, you welcoming a stranger into your family ..." Such an oddly entitled way to talk about a baby you've been pregnant with for months. This person has been in your home and part of your family from the moment you got pregnant (and decided to keep him or her). (And I'm not unaware that many parents struggle to adjust to the new world a baby brings, nor ignoring the pain of those who have to learn what they thought would come naturally!)
Whatever feelings a newly pregnant couple experiences are, for them, their new normal. Since BC wants everyone to know, so be it.
13
The first time you lose a pregnancy at 7 weeks, you will change your mind (which I hope does not happen to you). It's really really not fun to have tell EVERYONE you know that you aren't pregnant. I waited 13 weeks to tell my mom and other family the second time... and work much later - not for fear of anything other than wanting to make sure baby was A-OK. It's also no ones business that you are TRYING to get pregnant... sometimes getting pregnant is hard and the last thing you need are co-workers and acquaintances asking and wondering.
16
Good luck to you and I hope you and your child live long and healthy lives. Going public with information carries its risks and rewards. The risk is that people will misunderstand you, judge you, or if you go too public, possibly ruin you. The reward is a clean conscience, lack of secrecy and the gift that is openness. I've long struggled with this in my own life. I often take on a lot of risk while expecting little reward. I have been able to make the world a better place through my semisecrecy, and manage broader risks besides my own. I've come to terms with it and I wish you and your family well with your own decision.
1
I was happy to share news of my first pregnancy. But with my second, I didn't want to tell everyone before I told my 7 year old daughter, and I didn't want to tell her until I was reasonably sure things were looking good.
8
Is the “Director of the Aspen Tech Policy Hub” (whatever that is) really taking the same risks encountered by the many women she is saying could be more open —like secretaries, paralegals, executive assistants, factory line workers? I don’t necessarily disagree with her. Just wondering if this really the bold initiative it purports to be. Would have preferred the same story by a legal secretary.
16
@Robert - Totally. The director has a very different experience from the directed.
6
It seems that our society is desperately eager to take advantage of any opportunity to make women feel guilty. How could it pass up using pregnancy that way? Even this column, which I believe is intended only as an "I'm taking a stand that should be acceptible" gesture could be read as intended to make women who don't report their pregnancies at once feel guilty. I don't think Ms. Cooper intends that, but it's so easy to see how her advocacy for her own decision could become fodder for guilt-making. Anything to put women in their place...
8
Oh, if only we lived inside of a culture that supported women, life would be so much better. But from the time "might is right" put a standing military in the US, the patriarchy was sealed and we were all ushered to the back of the bus. I don't know why any woman would want to have a career over children, but that's just me. I know there are women who don't understand giving up a career "just to have children." Trying to do both puts us at a disadvantage over our male cohorts on the job, in our careers, and even in our marriages. I believe it is a serious cultural problem that women are waiting so late to have children. Why don't we support women by creating a socialized program that helps them while pregnant. Everything is so cutthroat these days. I have to wonder sometimes why anyone would want to bring a child into this current situation of a world. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Get rest.
3
@RCJCHC I am one of those women who don’t understand giving up a career just to have children. What’s great about being your husband’s employee and your kids’ nanny? You are being judgmental and unfair toward women who manage to be good mothers while also contributing to the economy, being independent and developing their natural talents. Patriarchy is not just a “standing military”: it is supported by women who internalize the misogynistic attitudes that reduce other women to walking wombs. I have two kids and a career. Was it easy? No. But my worst enemies were not men but women like you who insisted that being “mother of” should be my sole identity.
6
@Mor "but that's just me..." Did you miss that part? I too have had a career while raising children but wouldn't put my career first over having children. I'm not married to a man. Not sure where you got that. Calm down. Women can differ in their approach to life and we don't have to put each other down and get so upset.
2
@RCJCHC I am one of those women who did not give up a career to have children, by intentionally not having children. My husband and I have always been much happier this way. You may not understand that, but we are. We simply, vastly, prefer careers to childcare.
3
I couldn't have hidden my first three months had I wanted to! I kept falling asleep at the worst times, like as a counselor as a kids' music camp. I remember being caught out napping mid-morning with a bunch of young singers around me and explaining I just must have drifted off when I went back to change my shoes. It didn't take too long for other women to find me out because my skin seemed to glow as well.
I was glad I didn't have to hide it and loved the help other women could give me at that time and such smiles of encouragement.
1
Good for you! I wish you luck, joy, and lots of patience. I’m now a mother of two but I was once diagnosed as a “reoccurring spontaneous aborter” after having multiple miscarriages. I got so fed up with being told to hide early pregnancy or loss. It compounds the idea that the loss is my fault- my shame, and it makes an already difficult time so so lonely. Sharing, talking, connecting about these things is so important to healing. Quick PSA- I had undiagnosed Celiac and if anyone you know has multiple miscarriages, they might consider getting tested as well. It changed my life for the better and gave me my 2nd kiddo. I wish you all the luck in the world, and the courage to keep talking.
5
I told my boss and a few coworkers at 8 weeks and was promptly advised to keep it under wraps. I couldn’t wait to tell people. I also was advised work from home due to complications. Nothin happened in those 3 months thank God, but if something had happened, I’d have wanted to share that too. Can’t imagine suffering in silence
1
I planned to wait to tell everyone that I was pregnant, including my father, until after the first trimester. I was treated for infertility and had several false alarms. Sadly, he died before I ever got the chance to tell him. That I was unable to share my joy with him is among the biggest regrets of my life.
3
All other issues aside, some people find that communication with the tribe is a critical tool for coping with life's adventures and misadventures. Irrespective of specifics, this should be an option for everyone without risk of social or professional censure.
Let sharers share as they see fit!
6
Don't assume it is a secret. I got to be very good at realizing a coworker was expecting, well before the official announcement. I never discussed my assumptions with anyone.
It is and always will be each women's choice.
But the various reasons to keep it personnel, will always exist.
Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy.
3
I’m glad the author offered in these comments that she wasn’t in line with the editors’ aggressive subtitle. “Tyranny” and “secret” are pushing an agenda that isn’t relevant here. More likely the wisdom of not disclosing right away in public was nurtured over eons by the loving concern of women for women, and it was wise for many reasons.
If one is ready to share, go for it. (Yet when I lost a second tri baby to miscarriage I wished the relatives hadn’t already started staking our names and hanging booties on the Christmas tree ... ). But even aside from the sorrow of UN-announcing (or changing one’s mind, or facing medical adversity), there can be a beautiful wisdom in taking the time to go inward for a while, like a butterfly in a cocoon getting ready to transform. What’s wrong with that? Keeping one’s self quiet can be a beautiful and peaceful centering.
7
Try having 3 miscarriages in a row - you will tell a much smaller circle of people the next time and even less the time after that.
17
I take exception to the assertion women keep pregnancies secret for fear of stigma. Times change, and just as discussing cancer is no longer taboo, there is less stigma about miscarriage than in the past.
I’ve had friends and colleagues who themselves or whose wives miscarried. Each experienced profound grief, sometimes coupled with traumatic emergency treatment. Such grief does not ease quickly. As commenters note, healing grief can be difficult when well-meaning people keep congratulating and asking about the pregnancy. Likewise, grief is an extraordinarily private experience, and one not everyone knows how to support gracefully. While a woman might think they will want everyone to know they miscarried, assuming they will receive a welcome outpouring of support, it is likely they may find more solace in grieving in private than continually comforting others who grieve openly for them. I dearly hope the author does not learn these painful life lessons herself.
If the author truly wants to remove stigmas from pregnancy, she could start by not being hypercritical of women who change their eating and drinking habits and other behaviors. We should all support that, politely, and without prying questions. Just as we should champion work environments that are comfortable and forgiving of life’s myriad challenges without prying intrusions, whether related to pregnancy, injury, serious illness, or caregiving.
12
I feel so very fortunate that I first became pregnant in 1960 - it was a real treat then. We ate, we drank, we smoked - all terrible no no’s now. We were living in San Diego at the time - across Grand Avenue from one of the original Baskin Robins Ice Cream stores. I think our daughter was made of their Strawberries and Cream ice cream as my exercise was walking there almost everyday. I had been working at the first Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla - labor and delivery. I was a newly licensed RN and they fired me in January because they found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t at all upset because we lived in a furnished apartment in a 2 story building, surrounding a pool, with naval officers and their wives, almost all of whom were our age and most of whom were expecting their first child. It was wonderful - we would sit around the pool while our husbands were at work, share meals, laugh and tell prospective tenants to stay out of the pool as they could become pregnant. I cannot relate to what is going on today. Such a brave new world filled with solutions for infertility, increased knowledge of dangers to the developing child in utero and societal and work judgements that did not exist then. Ignorance was indeed bliss. My kids turned out beautiful and healthy despite my behavior. My grandchildren, nurtured under draconian strictures are also healthy and beautiful. But I think I had a better time with way less angst.
13
The current culture of over-the top celebration and hype of every life passage is also part of the reason women prefer not to share news of early pregnancy. They are likely to be bombarded with messages, family parties, requests for photographs, a "gender reveal," and so forth. In the event of ill health or miscarriage, this is all the more painful.
12
My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and when we do, I can't imagine waiting three months to tell people. I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to keep my big mouth shut, and I'll probably be so giddy (and maybe sick) about it that people would guess it anyway. Thank you for this article, the timing couldn't be better. I'm glad to know I won't be alone when we announce earlier than 3 months (whenever that eventually happens).
2
I shared the news as soon as I got pregnant and then had a miscarriage and had to deal with people coming up and congratulating me on the pregnancy when I was no longer pregnant. It sucked. It wasn't supportive, it was awkward. I wish I'd waited to tell. Then if I had a miscarriage, I could tell close friends and they could support me then. Having to tell acquaintances over and over that I had a miscarriage was no fun.
17
I had to tell my employer early as I was so sick I couldn't function.
1
While I agree completely with nearly everything you have said, I must also applaud those waitstaff who refuse to serve alcohol to those who are visibly pregnant.
Even small amounts of alcohol are dangerous to a fetus.
2
@Justin
There is not a whiff of evidence that small amounts are dangerous and indeed there are multiple studies indicating the exact opposite - most recently in the Journal Obstetrics and Gynecology and in a massive Danish study
So - yeah - most Dr's will say don't drink at all but it is quite unsupported by any real empirical studies - like sadly so many pronouncements by the medical profession.
14
@SteveRR, you're generalizing the conclusions of a single study that looked at a single thing (executive function in five-year-olds).
First, that study isn't "the most recent." It was done in 2012 and a lot of other studies have been done since then.
Second, the study used relatively blunt instruments to assess the children (a survey), who were very young at the time. Self-reported data has limitations for obvious reasons.
Finally, the end of the Discussion says, "women should be advised that it is safest to abstain from using alcohol when pregnant."
I agree with the waitstaff about not providing alcohol to a pregnant woman. Alcohol is a definitive teratogen. Why would anyone think it's a good idea to risk damaging someone else -- permanently -- for a glass or two of wine? It's not rational.
1
@Valerie
The trouble is that most folks don't understand basic stats - by 'common' logic - then pregnant women should not even have been driven to the restaurant to be denied that glass of wine... you know - what with automobile accidents et al.
"Why would anyone..."?
Because it is insane to run your life based on remote probabilistic outcomes.
3
I always thought it was a cruel irony that you "can't" tell anyone your pregnant during the phase of pregnancy when you're likely to be the most miserable. People make a big deal about giving up seats on the subway when your 8-month bump is looming over them; no one comes to your aid when you're in the grip of nausea, shoving sour patch kids into your mouth while you cling desperately to the pole on a swaying train.
That said I've also recently decided to be a lot more open about our infertility treatments. My husband and I were both youngish (early 30s) and healthy, and still needed help to conceive. I find that the more open I am about it, the more I discover women my age who have had some sort of help starting their families.
83
@RCP Thanks very much for sharing your story. Infertility is definitely a related element of the pregnancy silence problem. I was told by doctors from a young age that I would struggle to conceive. I am grateful that this appears to be not true, but I had no idea how I would handle it if the natural method didn't work out.
While infertility is widespread, many women are left to silently wander for solutions on their own, because it's not socially acceptable to share that it's an issue. I hope that changes. Along with miscarriages and pregnancy, sharing infertility stories may give some women like you strength by finding others who share their pain.
There's no need to create a "debate" among women about how we handle the most significant and intimate details of our lives, or to create a template for the "norm" in pregnancy announcing. Each women should just proceed as is comfortable for her -- no judgments or expectations that she do something else. Asking women to go public with their pregnancy in order to influence workplace practices seems especially problematic. Another commenter in this thread describes how she was fired after telling her boss she was pregnant -- a not uncommon occurrence, especially for women in the low-wage workforce. It seems both naive and unfair to make working women responsible for problems that only their employers can solve. It should be an employer's obligation to create family friendly policies for all, not women's responsibility to convince their bosses to do so.
7
Good for you! Some people will excoriate you for this, but it's just the beginning...there will always be someone to tell you that you're doing it wrong. Listen, reflect, and then do what you think is best. Best wishes!
Please don’t shame people who make a different choice. We liked having this “secret” between us. There was a joy in the privacy. It is also great that some people want to put miscarriage on the table. Bit this also feeds into women’s choice. What you have in there right now is a fetus - doesn’t make it less painful if you miscarry but there are good political reasons to also say that this is not a baby yet
9
Betsy Cooper - Sorry, but I don't understand your position: How can you possibly write an article extolling the necessity of being open about your pregnancy, despite the employment risks from the perspective of the pregnant employee, without having any worry that the quality or even the existence of your job might be in jeopardy by doing so? Your article is written as if you have personal knowledge of this problem and are forging ahead, heroically, for the sake of other women. C'mon.
11
“Pregnant women may end up feeling like the world cares more about their unborn children than about them.”
Well, certainly it does. One need only look at all the newly passed abortion prohibitions. According to a very loud and powerful minority in this country, once a woman becomes pregnant, the cells that constitute the pregnancy have more legal rights than she does. The “personhood” of those cells overrides her personhood. And so long as the “child” is unborn, this minority cares greatly about it. After it’s born, not so much.
11
As in love, there is a honeymoon in pregnancy when parents can swoon and croon without interference that comes later. Will you breastfeed or bottlefeed? Do you want a boy or a girl? Will you quit working? Are you going to homeschool?
The secret joy of being just three is inescapable and sweet. Bravo.
7
This was 1980's behavior too. 4x for me...
1
This is shockingly naive. When don't "fear" career repercussions without reason -- news of a pregnancy generally brings immediate negative effects. You also can't estimate how you will feel if you have a miscarriage -- the author's experience with this is theoretical. Having lost more than one, the last thing you want is everyone you know giving you "sad" eyes whenever they see you after a pregnancy loss. And asking you when you are trying again. And giving you unsolicited, and often hurtful, advice about what you did "wrong" the last time around. This article is akin to non-parents lecturing parents about what it is like to parent a child. It's nice to give people advice when you've experienced none of this and proudly proclaim you are shunning secrecy, but I suspect a little time and experience will change the author's views on this topic.
18
Interesting column. Maybe after telling the world, you could write a special note to Alexandra Dapolito-Dunn, head of chemical safety at the EPA. Ask her why she won’t ban chlorpyrifos (thanks NYTimes for outing these department heads in your recent EPA article.)
An administration so concerned about the....personhood of the unborn- but works to keep pesticides ever-available. Maybe if all pregnant women wrote her, secret and public, she might reconsider.
5
Many thanks and I wish you all the best!
As a dad who lost a baby at 17 weeks, I applaud your coming out because this culture of hiding is in part born of fear about having to talk about loss. The painful downside is that all those prospective parent who lose they’re babies before they’ve shared the news now share that difficult time mostly only with each other. That doesn’t help reduce the stigma around miscarriage and stillbirths. What you do is a powerful step forward for us all, and I hadn’t really realized it u til I read your powerful words. Thank you.
1
You must be new to this. The real reason women do not announce is that some people have miscarriages. There are probably people you know who have had them, but you never knew it. They wisely decided not to announce so early.
12
I recall my first trimesters as highly intimate. The last thing I needed was the unwelcome advice and commentary from others. All of which would surely have included other women’s stories of pregnancies, discomforts, labors and deliveries. We had wanted to savor the quiet mystery, the miraculous occurring deep within my body. It almost felt like protecting this new being, so vulnerable to the worlds indifference.
5
Congratulations!
To all who do not value women and pregnancy - know this. Without this miracle, the human race would be extinct in about 102 years.
Sometimes I wonder if it would not be better that way...
2
Who knew this was even a thing?
4
That’s why people have friends and family....I really don’t understand the point ....
9
May we all be this outspoken about women's health, from the first period, cramps and leaks, to the glory of peri-menopause and menopause, with its vaginal atrophy, insomnia, and libido drop! Don't turn away--face it, declare it, share it, and maybe we'll all take better care of ourselves and the women we love.
96
@mary
Thank you so much for mentioning usually forgotten/taboo subjects connected to menopause. Sometimes I feel like I have a secret disease. It’s sad and depressing to experience all of the awful physical and mental aspects of menopause. More writing about it and support would be so welcome.
13
@Lisa Feerrar
and Gwenneth Paltrow selling fancy perfumes for the vagina, which cleans itself, shows how uncertain women are about their vagina and perineum.
3
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
You go girl !!! Enjoy!
When we got pregnant we told. First trimester. 1970 thru 1990’s.
Then the media and politicians took over moralizing the event that is between two humans and a midwifery .
Not anymore. My mellenial kids have to beat every social mores and value of modern life to death. Geez.
2
This issue goes beyond pregnancy, and covers caretaking too. Many parents make up excuses, or stay silent, about why they are leaving work early on day, rather than saying they are going to see their kid's recital or take them to the dentist.
I had my kids in my mid-30s and was already well established at my company. I make it a point to be open about why I am taking time off. If I have to take my kid to the doctor, or stay home because they are sick, I say so. My husband does the same. I think it's important to do this to help normalize parenthood in the workplace. Otherwise, everyone has the impression that the kids of working parents never need their parents during work hours.
3
Tell if you want but don’t shame those who don’t want to.
It’s about a baby, or babies. Motherhood isn’t a contest of who tells and who doesn't. It can be personal or not.
Pregnancy, like anything else, is a mother’s business. Everyone is different. Every baby is different. Everyone woman is different. Every mother is different. Thank goodness!
9
Thank you for this piece. Here’s what I love—-your freedom, your choice ( to share or not to share), your joy, your honesty. It appears that you didn’t share “early”, you shared naturally. You did what felt just right to you. It’s what I wish for all people with all elements of life—-personal and professional. Fresh air blowing. Such a good thing! Joy to you and your family!
4
Like the author, I had to start telling people at 5 weeks. Otherwise they would have been very confused why I, a highly competent professional, was constantly nauseous/asleep at inappropriate times/struggling with the basic tasks of functioning.
I also worked in a chemistry lab, so I wanted to be desk-bound for my first trimester (data analysis), lest my baby be born with 3 heads. My coworkers (especially the young men) got confused when I all of a sudden refused to go near the radiation area and started asking for changes in equipment handling protocols. I had to make it crystal clear for my and my baby's safety.
And then I got the backlash of "well, you never know what will happen so early." I had to reply with: "If so-and-so keeps on doing that stupid health and safety mistake around me, I know for a fact will happen."
96
@Isabel I think it's just different for everyone. You had unique work situation that was potentially damaging to your pregnancy so it made sense for you to tell. For me, after telling all moment I confirmed pregnancy only to miscarriage during first trimester (and with out any potential job hazards) was most painful to circle back and explain I was no longer pregnant. So I waited for my second trimester before telling about my subsequent pregnancies. Personal situation, personal choice. To each their own. Maybe that's really the point.
6
@Isabel I hope you had a happy, healthy pregnancy, and kudos for standing up for yourself. Though perhaps the real question should be about why anyone, pregnant or not, should have to work in such an unsafe work environment!
5
@Betsy Cooper Yep... she's a toddler now! As for the job environment: it's because working in an academic lab, you are surrounded by students who think they know more than they do. It's our job to set them straight. There have been many improvements in academic laboratory safety in the past decade or so, after some terrible accidents. But, some students still sometimes take shortcuts or otherwise disregard regulations when they think no one is looking.
1
Bravo. I always thought hiding a pregnancy was both stupid and harmful to the larger cause of normalizing pregnancy, family life and women's health.
I also think this secrecy contributes to the way miscarriage has been overblown in our society into a literally unspeakable tragedy; in these pages, it's been portrayed as tantamount to losing an actual child. In reality, miscarriage is super common. If we all noticed it happening around us, maybe we could go back to being more matter-of-fact about it, acknowledge the loss without fetishizing and memorializing it, and save women a lot of unnecessary angst.
68
Have you lost a child? For most or many miscarriage is a sad event. Nothing to do with “society.”
29
@Jaclyn I've had miscarriages and while it in no way compares to losing a living child, the sadness is real--partly because in your mind you are already taking care of someone, choosing your nourishment, pondering names, etc--and partly because of the intense hormone crash after it happens, not to mention the physical reality of losing the pregnancy. I do think the frequency of miscarriage should be better understood, but I don't think many people will feel "matter-of-fact" about it.
37
As someone who experienced 8 consecutive losses, I would never compare them to the loss of a child. However, two of my losses were in the second trimester, one was a termination after the discovery of fatal birth defects. And every one of my losses whether the 6 week ones or the 16 week were the mourning of a baby I couldn't hold in my arms to mother. I don't believe that memorializing the babies lost - honoring the grief around loss - is fetishizing anything.
22
California. 1990. I was five-months pregnant, trying to conceal my condition with an over-sized jacket. My husband and I were nearly denied our application for a rental house, despite a great credit rating and references, because the landlady, a character straight out of a Dickens novel, feared we’d not be able to pay the rent once the baby arrived. I convinced her I’d keep working, and we never missed a payment. I believe these sorts of prejudices still exist thirty years later. Keep your joyful news to yourself until the time is right.
7
First, congratulations. I truly hope you upcoming parenting is everything you hope for.
Secondly, personal issues, such as pregnancy are just that...personal.
I get you rail against some perceived "tyranny"; that being said, it is YOUR business. Not mine, or your neighbors, or your circle of facebook friends. Your menstruation cycle is *not* something to post on line.
Oversharing of something that is uniquely personal is simply beyond the pale of civilized conversation. The fact your group of friends needs to be "in the know" about such things is inappropriate.
8
We really need to figure out a way to strongly deter employers from discriminating against pregnant women.
3
Most miscarriages happen over the first three months of pregnancy. That is the reason so many women do not share the news until after at least three months.
Today, everybody blares everything about the self. Why not rein it in a bit? I'm not interested in hearing that someone is one, two or three months pregnant.
7
It may be that people today cannot differentiate between a story/picture on their cell phone and a human being, and this is what prompts such rude behavior.
If I were going to a restaurant and pregnant (near the last term or giving birth) I would bring my doctor's order stating that it was OK for me to drink less than 3 oz of a 7% alcoholic drink.
My dr. prescribed drinking wine for me. Another dr. went wild when (he/she) discovered this. There are reasons to drink wine in moderation but not during the pre-formation of the ovum (6 months before ovulation and impregnation), and clearly seven months after impregnation and gestation.
I have seen fetal alcoholism in children. It is wretched. Seeing just one kid suffering from all the adverse effects of ethyl alcohol consumption by her pregnant mom, makes me want signage in the grocery stores and everywhere else that state the warning on the alcohol labels.
To a more positive side, during a political campaign that worked the streets, one of my co-workers was pregnant and looked just gorgeous. I could not stop looking at how great her face, her countenance, her overall body appeared - super healthy, glowing, and her mind, coping with the job's stresses.
There are huge benefits to being pregnant.
Women who choose to keep private that they are trying to become pregnant, or who are in the early stages of pregnancy are not part of a "vast unnamed secret club ."
My sister had multiple miscarriages, and gave birth to a full term stillborn baby.
My other sister did not share of her multiple rounds of IVF. I heard about those through the family grapevine. She did not share that she was trying to adopt a baby.
In fact, I received a phone call at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning ,which awakened me. My sister said that she was in North Carolina and that she had an 8 pound package that she was bringing back with her to New York. Finally, my sister said :"It's a baby ! I'm bringing home a baby girl from North Carolina today ! Come to the City to meet her ! "
My sister had feared that the adoption might fall through. She may have had adoptions fall through. I wouldn't know.
As for those waiters who won't serve alcohol to pregnant women :I applaud them. My adopted niece suffered the effect of her birth mother's alcoholism.
If a woman wants to be a mother, and isn't willing to give up alcohol or raw fish for nine months, she might want to reconsider whether she is cut out for motherhood, for she will have to give up far , far more once she becomes a mother.
8
Keeping pregnancy “secret” because of the stigma of miscarriage or potential harm to one’s career is one thing. Keeping a pregnancy “private” is quite another. Some women(couples/families) are just private people in general about their lives, including pregnancy, childbirth, number and spacing of children. As a deeply committed introvert, I value my privacy and have lots of friends from all parts of my life who have supported me through good times and bad. It has nothing to do with keeping a secret.
11
I was pregnant for the first time at age 37. I miscarried at 11 weeks, just as we started telling family. Once other people knew I had been pregnant and miscarried I was comforted and encouraged by the outpouring of support from other families who had experienced miscarriages. And I was stunned to learn how common it is.
It takes courage to not hide a pregnancy in the first trimester (because of our society, I think) and I wish I had done that. Good for you; I support you completely!
(we went on to have 2 wonderful kids now in their teens.)
1
My daughter’s first pregnancy ended in miscarriage before the end of her first trimester, a fate I do not wish on anyone including the writer of this piece. It was emotionally devastating for our whole family. The old custom of delaying the announcement of a pregnancy for three months, started in days when women rarely worked outside of the home, was instituted to protect both the family and the mother from an emotional pain rendered worse by the anticipation of good news. Hopefully the writer will consider emotional issues as well as her career when her child is born.
9
Resources claim that only 5% of woman deliver on their "due date" that is two weeks off, at least. Also, 40 weeks is an average. Woman have healthy babies they deliver anywhere from 35 to 43 weeks.
This opinion is for the person much more secure in their work than I was while pregnant. We had fertility and miscarriage issues so I was cautious and nervous at my age that complications were coming medically and work-wise. As it was, my boss and other colleagues adjusted their vacations when I announced. This meant my boss had time to schedule being out all of August and I gave birth the first weekend off- Labor Day weekend- in supreme exhaustion but with a miraculously healthy child.
But I absolutely love being a mom in spite of the difficulties but this is a very personal choice about when to announce.
7
As polarizing as this comment may be, first let me say congratulations!
But there are many reasons that mothers to be may want to keep this secret, not just the first few weeks, but even longer if you are an at risk pregnancy or nervous about genetic testing.
You may want to keep your news to close family members and or only your best friend in case you might have to abort the baby.
And depending on how religious the family may not want to tell them ahead of time either.
The career implications are many depending on industry and are not going away any time soon.
This is a private matter, that has also become public due to many celebrities and some women on social media who often announce a pregnancy for their own gain. Society in general values a pregnant woman much less than they used to.
Partially because also the planet itself is overpopulated, so now even eco groups feel they should have an opinion on your pregnancy.
So unfortunately, that is why these days everyone feels compelled to give their two cents once you let the information out.
So for the most part unless you are ready for the attention that follows a page six celebrity, and have the thick skin to endure all the commentary, it is best to wait.
6
Um. "Will you even like your child?" Clearly Ms. Cooper has a lot to experience and learn. I hope that she will find, as do the overwhelming majority of parents, that she is head-ove-heels in love with her baby. There is no love more total and immediate.
3
Not for every new mother.
5
Sharing pregnancy early on would help women in the workplace who suffer tremendously from morning sickness (generally lasts all day) during the first trimester. It can be debilitating. During the third trimester, back aches and sitting for proglonged periods is next to impossible. If we women all talked about it, maybe we could get our employers to give us more leave or flexible work from home. Women should not have to keep their mouths shut because of work place retaliation. Women should support each other in this.
3
An implicit unstated assumption of this nice piece is that something special is happening, new life is happening, even in the first trimester. That stark truth explains the growing public revulsion to abortion even among woke women.
Abortion, which apparently occurs about a million times each year in the U.S. according to best estimates, may sometimes fairly be chosen by a moral woman.
But not a million times a year.
@Dave Oedel It is nice that you know the circumstances of every abortion that occurs each year well enough to be sure that most of them are not chosen by "moral women".
Perhaps we could take some of the author's point into account as a means of reducing abortion rates as well - when we support women, women are able to make healthy choices for their body. That means making sure women have access to health care, social safety nets (including job security, affordable child care, and housing), and being more open about issues such as intimate partner violence and reproductive coercion. It also means allowing women to choose when they will bear a child, including access to birth control and yes, abortion.
I say this as a mother and a woman who has experienced the miscarriage of a much loved, much wanted baby. Pregnancy and childbirth take a huge toll on every aspect of a woman's life. We need to do better to support women to make the choices they need to make.
15
@Dave Oedel Way to insert your abhorrence to abortion in the comments section of an opinion piece that has nothing to do with abortion. Recognize it’s your privilege, as a man, that you’ll never have to make an agonizing decision such as whether or not to abort a fetus. Your obvious lack of compassion for those women who have had to make that agonizing decision is immoral.
3
@Laura
Laura, I didn't say that I know all the circumstances of every abortion that led to each expectant mother's decision to kill her carry. Obviously I don't. By the same token, do you know if the millions of death decisions to kill the carry were moral?
Doubt it.
Is the old saying too simple an explanation--don't count your chickens before they're hatched? :)
6
Congratulations and best of luck!
That said, I didn't even visit the obstetrician until I was 12 weeks along. What was the point? I didn't have any other symptoms other than nausea and vomiting. I wasn't "hiding" it and I had always ate healthy food, exercised, and the morning sickness kept me away from coffee and alcohol. If my embryo was going to implant and flourish, then it would. Seeing a physician wasn't going to change that. If the pregnancy didn't take, then it didn't, it wasn't in my hands or that of a physician.
Lucky for me both times it did take and I had two healthy babies. I never had to experience the loss of a miscarriage (happened to my mother), a tragedy for anyone who wants to have a child. I cannot imagine that if I did I would want everyone and their brother to have to feel sorry for me and my partner. If it happened multiple times maybe then I might have said something. This may not be a popular sentiment but an early loss of a pregnancy in the first trimester is usually a sign of some sort of problem. It is a loss, but it is not tragic, not in the sense to the loss of a pregnancy in the 6th month (happened to a friend) or at birth (happened to my mother-in-law).
So tell the world you've missed your period and that your app telling you that you are 6 weeks along, that is your choice! But the many of us prefer who prefer to wait aren't hiding. We are praying and hoping for the best.
I will keep my fingers firmly crossed for you.
9
I’ts not nice to over analyze what or why not someone isn’t drinking alcohol. The reasons may have nothing to do with pregnancy.
6
Amen sister. When I was pregnant I didn't hold back on sharing the news. My attitude was "I hope nothing happens but I can't keep this secret."
I did get fired though. Whatever. I mostly forgot all about that job and my daughter is the absolute love of my life, 24 years later.
Congratulations!
4
By all means tell folks that you really care about and whose support you would want if something terrible happened. But I made the mistake of letting the folks at my favorite bagel place know when I was six weeks pregnant. When I lost the baby two weeks later, they kindly asked how my pregnancy was going when I ordered my everything with cream cheese and I broke down in heaving sobs at the bagel counter. I actually made the person who was waiting on me cry as well. It was not cathartic, it just added to my misery. My next two pregnancies were kept under wraps except to close friends and family. This was twenty years ago and I remember it vividly. Everyone of course can make their own choice but wanted to give a real life example of possible reasons not to share or to be selective in sharing. And also all best wishes to you!!
12
It's really none of anybody's business whether someone is pregnant or not. This is a private matter. if you want to let the world know, fine. If you don't, fine. Your body, your choice.
13
Blessings! You may not be able to do this trick, given work leave scheduling, but I highly advise leading most people to believe that your due date is two weeks later than it is. Few things are more annoying than "have you had that baby yet??" It's nice to be able to say "not due yet." Also, invest in a king sized bed.
Your point is an excellent one. We need to stop hiding LIFE, and together we can demand life-supporting work cultures. Thank you.
I announced one of my pregnancies at 8 weeks and miscarried at 11 weeks. It helped to have support from people I loved, but here are some of the scenarios I faced. I walked into our local library a few days after my miscarriage and a friend of a friend yells across the room, "Congratulations!" All eyes on me as I start to cry. Three weeks later, I have the same scene at the grocery store. And on and on for a few months, My only saving grace was I hadn't told our other child who was too young to know what was going on. I hoped.
8
I plan to share this article with my daughter-in-law later today. She is 39 and contemplating a second pregnancy. She and our son kept her pregnancy a secret until all the tests came back just fine and they felt they 'could tell us'. They had been bursting at the seams with wonder and joy, and yes, fear. They did not tell us because they feared we might not understand if they chose to end the pregnancy, did not want to hurt us by losing a grandchild we were convinced we would never have.
We want to know next time. We want to share in that awe and joy and that fear sooner next time. And to help bear the grief if need be. I would not expect them to share with everyone - not their style- but I hope they will share with us.
Thank you for the inspiration to speak openly about choice and love. It will be their choice, and we will love them.
4
Congratulations! I support the idea of sharing pregnancy news early. It would normalize it and make it less unique and fragile-seeming. (It always amazes me when people think pregnancy is somehow a shameful weakness when women are literally creating a new human beings out of tiny specks of matter.) And once everybody found out that miscarriages are common (something many people don't know until they have one or know someone who did), and that pregnancy is a biological process as much or more than a moral one, we could also chill out about early pregnancy issues and, yes, abortion too. Pregnancy and birth should be normal parts of everyday life--even and especially when a pregnancy ends, which is literally an everyday event.
1
I’m 9.5 weeks along and so much of this article resonated. I told several of my close friends nearly as soon as I had taken a pregnancy test in part because I knew I would want their support should something go wrong. The big thing stopping me from telling everyone, though, isn’t the risk of miscarriage (which drops most after week 9, earlier than the end of the first trimester). I know a lot of women who have miscarried and I think the stigma there is lessening. What gives me pause is the genetic testing. If we discovered something very wrong with the fetus, I would choose not to continue with the pregnancy. This is a polarizing opinion and it is what is stopping me from sharing my news with everyone.
13
Times have really changed. We had our first child in 1965 and I do not recall thinking about anything that is now a fear.
5
Wow.
I sure hope you don't have a miscarriage and have to announce that intimate grief to all your various colleagues & co-workers and casual acquaintances.
8
Maybe she would prefer to have the acknowledgement and support of her friends, family, and co-workers in case of a miscarriage, rather than grieving alone and in silence. It's not the choice I would have made, but it's a perfectly understandable choice.
4
@ABullard I shared news of my pregnancy at 8 weeks and lost the baby at 12 weeks. It was actually quite a relief to not have to invent an explanation as to why I needed a sudden week off work, as well as to have coworkers check in and acknowledge the loss I had experienced. I work in a supportive, female centered environment so this might not be the case for everyone, but in my case it was helpful to have my loss be openly discussed, rather than grieve in silence.
3
You can eat sushi, lox, etc. while pregnant. All fish has been frozen; any parasites have been killed. It’s all in the food prep. So just eat at reputable places.
Yes, I am a mother, and yes, that is my main takeaway from this well-written and thoughtful article.
1
I hope you never have a miscarriage, but if you do, you will probably then understand why conventional wisdom is what it is. It is ironic that you mention all the ways that pregnant women are shamed by society while in the same breath coming up with another one.
5
I’m going to react consistent with my working class Italian roots: it’s a big mistake to tell because you’re tempting fate and will feel many multiples worse if things don’t work as planned. And you can substitute many things for “tell”: have a baby shower, reveal the gender, paint the nursery blue or pink, knit a blanket, buy a crib, register at a baby store...
4
Not sure what to make of this. Serious issues but I feel this is an over-reaction. Congratulations.
4
Ms. Cooper - congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope all goes well for you. But let me share a little food for thought. While you are enthusiastically shouting your pregnancy to all around you, I'd like you to stop and consider that one of the women you are gleefully telling may not be able to have your joy. I was one of those women. Thanks to multiple uterine fibroids that were inoperable, a brush with cervical cancer and endometriosis, I was unable to have children. I have worked hard to work through my emotions about this and luckily, I had a wonderfully understanding doctor and husband who both encouraged me to seek grief counseling. It really helped.
But when a very good friend announced her pregnancy at work, I found that other women in the office excluded me, to the point where during one conversation, the moms literally surrounded her in a circle and shut me out. It felt like they had slammed me in the stomach with a baseball bat. For weeks, every conversation was pregnancy based. I struggled through it, doing my best to brush off their indifference but it was really tough. My pregnant friend had struggled with infertility so she tried to be sensitive but others were not. Many of them were awkward and didn't know how to react.
So while I celebrate your good news and wish you all the best, please try to take a minute and be sensitive to those women who have had miscarriages, who have struggled with infertility and DON'T wish to have their private pain on display.
20
Many woman keep this news to themselves, in order to keep their emotions under control, in the event they lose the baby early on. Every woman and partner needs to make this very personal decision, and when the time is right to inform others they will do so. Ms.Cooper believes this is tyranny, but it's not, it is simply a personal choice, that when made public invites a lot of outside attention that not everyone craves or wants.
8
As a physician involved in women's health, I know first hand how common early miscarriages are (and have a skewed perception of the frequency of later pregnancy loss, which albeit not nearly as common is not exactly uncommon, either). While I think each woman should certainly feel free to share her pregnancy whenever she's comfortable, and I think it's valuable to discuss the stigma of pregnancy in the workplace, I also think it's quite prudent for most women to wait to "announce" their pregnancy until after the first trimester, when the chances of successful pregnancy are higher and the woman is soon going to start looking pregnant.
I also question the entire concept of "announcing" one's pregnancy and see it as self-centered in a very modern way. Supporting families, developing reasonable parental leave policies, and making pregnancy less of a workplace stigma are worthy goals. But aside from that, why should the world care that you are pregnant? It's one thing to be personally excited and anticipatory, and another thing to expect the rest of the world to feel the same way.
32
@ES Isn't the author's point more around the need for support in the workplace as early as six weeks? My work has certainly suffered in the first trimester in each of my pregnancies. I would tell my boss if I had developed a chronic condition requiring accommodation and time away from the office, why do women not feel the same ability to be open about pregnancy?
For what its worth, I did experience a loss at 12 weeks pregnant after sharing the news around 8 weeks. While initially I recoiled at the thought of having to now go back and tell everyone about my miscarriage, in hindsight it was a blessing to have supportive coworkers who grieved with me. I did not have to invent an explanation for my week out of work or answer unintentionally painful questions. I also heard from so many friends and colleagues that they had been through the same thing, but "never talked about it." Perhaps part of sharing pregnancy early would include increased openness to discuss miscarriage, as most of us do better when we feel part of a community rather than isolated in our grief.
4
I wish you well but these days your employer has a different view about life events even if
You are a star performer and critical member of staff
My husband turns 60 this year. He wants to work for five more years. I want to throw him a big party and want to invite his boss and team but then again I am afraid to announce to all them that he is 60. This is today’s corporate America where we all begin our “Logan’s Run” at 45.
10
Being fired or suffering career wise is more common than this author thinks. I worked in an environment where every doctor's appointment, every drink declined, every stomach bug was an opportunity for others to consider taking my job or clients let alone going to our boss with "the news". Should you wonder, a consulting firm. Ms Cooper may need to get out more.
6
Betsy Cooper. Director of the Aspen Tech Policy Hub writes, "Pregnancy (and for that matter, motherhood) has become a guilt-driven enterprise; women are made to second-guess any decision they make that does not put their baby 100 percent first." Ms. Cooper concludes the same paragraph with the following observation, "pregnant women may end up feeling like the world cares more about their unborn children than about them.
"...has become a guilt-driven enterprise...?"
Perhaps the high status women who "end up feeling like the world cares more about their unborn children than about them" are simply becoming conscious of a reality that has surrounded unmarried women, submissive religious women and hospitalized pregnant women for a long, long time.
I recommend Adrienne Rich's "Of Woman Born."
7
When you work with people every day, especially in the intimate operating/procedure room setting you notice small changes in mood, diet, body habitus. It is so much easier to KNOW that someone is going through a life change than to speculate what could be going on ( cancer? Divorce? Anorexia?).
I like knowing but don’t need to share every intimate moment of the pregnancy, even though women tend to love to do that. Who hasn’t wondered if someone is pregnant or just put on weight. Better to know.
"Strangers may even take matters into their own hands; waitstaff have refused to serve pregnant women even small amounts of wine."
I remember a brou-ha-ha some years back surrounding a couple of holier-than-thou waitstaff who were fired for adamantly refusing to serve a woman 8+ months pregnant a drink. They were hailed as national heroes by right-wing busybodies; fortunately this was before social media so presumably the pregnant woman escaped a barrage of rape- and death-threats.
What struck me about the story was that for any woman of childbearing age, one who is clearly, visibly nearly 9 months along is probably the safest customer to serve. It's in the early weeks of gestation, far before a woman "shows," when alcohol poses the greatest risk.
Those waitstaff with the martyr complex? They've probably served bucketfuls of alcohol to women who were gestating embryos/fetuses at their most vulnerable.
6
All my best to you, Betsy! Wishing you a healthy baby and thank you for sharing your joy with us! God knows how much we need some good news.
1
One thing you forgot to mention is the struggles that women who are blue-collar or, even worse, name-tagged, may face when pregnant. Jobs that require you on your feet all day, don't have any provision for leaving work to go to the "dentist" and no one has even heard of an "off site meeting". And when you are a working mother and need to pump, they tell you to go do so in the filthy public restroom.
8
"Like many other decisions women make about their bodies when and whether to go public with a pregnancy should be a choice and not simply determined by social convention."
Anything personal is a matter of choice as to whom, how much and when to share. To say that it is social convention to not share an early pregnancy is a bit naive. Often times it is just smart to protect one's job and/or self preservation not having to explain to countless, meaningless people if the pregnancy is miscarried or aborted for genetic problems. In fact, a Bris is not even performed until the 8th day of a Jewish male's birth due to the commonplace loss of a child even after birth. Kudos to the author for being excited about being a woman and being pregnant. I wish her well. But don't assume people don't share because it is not socially acceptable. Having counseled numerous women after miscarriage & abortion, it is a life-changing, traumatic loss that psychically goes to the heart of being a woman. I have yet to find men who announce their low sperm counts. Women, however, have little choice once a pregnancy shows. It is a matter of CAUTION--not convention.
7
I'm surprised by all of the piling on here. This is a freedom of choice area. I do think employers ' attitudes are the most problematic, and that a pregnant woman must navigate that very carefully and strategically. And if you tell your " friends" on Facebook it is very likely that your boss will hear of it.
4
I think I would keep it a secret to avoid all the pregnancy talk. I'm lucky to be in an office where our bosses are women, and they were quite supportive of a young woman who just gave birth to her first child. However, that's all anyone wanted to talk to her about! They wanted to know all the details, plans, and emotions, every chance they got. I get that the women in our office were reflecting on when they had their first baby and wanted to show support, but that would drive me crazy, especially at work. I guess I'm not the most open person, but people don't seem to treat you as an individual when you're carrying a baby.
5
I like your child already...
And mom – and dad – likely as much...
Though I've not met any of you...
Ricky was uproariously incisive, on so many subjects – save one...
Life is not a joke – and there is a sequel...
Godspeed...
When we found out that we were pregnant (yes, it was a joint venture) and joyfully presented this news to my wife's parents, they did keep it a secret. We disagreed with this pronouncement (loudly so), and they did relent. Secrets are for things that you are ashamed of. We were joyous, and correct in letting family, friends, and coworkers share our good news. This, like so many decisions in life, is personal, but others should respect the decision of those whose news it is!
3
Sorry Tom, you were never pregnant. The creation of the blastocyst may be a joint venture, but pregnancy is a physiological condition that only affects women, and the obnoxious trend of couples saying "we're pregnant" needs to stop.
6
@Susan As I said, Susan, "this, like so many decisions in life is personal, but others should respect the decision of those whose news it is." As fair turn around, you never fathered a child, so you should respect the decision of fathers regarding their offspring as much as men should respect (pregnant) women.
I remember smoking my last cigarette before taking out the "stick" and finding out several minutes later that "we" were pregnant. My husband and I were overjoyed but solemnly vowed that we'd keep it under wraps for at least several more weeks, since I couldn't have been more than 3 weeks or so. The next morning, I overheard him joyously calling his mother with the news and I too was then on the phone with everyone in my family. I empathize greatly with those women struggling with pregnancies and totally get why they choose to hold back. We were just so happy and overcome that we couldn't keep the good news to ourselves. All the best to the writer and all of the moms and hoping-to-be moms out there.
1
The writer mishmashes too many ideas here. Not announcing an early pregnancy because of the chances of miscarriage and separately being fearful for one's career are two very, very different issues. Conflating the two does much disservice to both.
8
I don't think so. The article is about the different reasons why women would keep pregnancy secret. I didn't have a hard time following it.
3
@Jmart I did, I thought it was an announcement and then jumps to problems and then back and forth.. I'm happy she's pregnant, but the 3 women I know who announced in first trimester all lost their babies due to miscarriage. We announce too much these days.. we should keep counsel and shut up sometimes.
To each his own. But it’s should be acknowledged there are other reasons why a woman might not announce her pregnancy, including that she could be considering not going through with it, or waiting to have testing done to ensure the baby is healthy, or concerned because she’s aware of the very high likelihood of miscarriage in the first trimester. When I experienced a miscarriage of a surprise but wanted pregnancy at the very end of the first trimester, I was very glad I had only shared it with my nearest and dearest. I was also very glad I had not upended my work life for something that never happened. But my friends are also not so superficial and nosy that they are monitoring my drinking or sushi eating habits either.
4
It is not fear, for many. It is having the time to themselves to come to terms with their new life as a mother. It is time to put their thoughts in order before the thoughts of others pour in.
Not everyone wants their life to be an open book. There is no shame in privately enjoying your life. We are individuals.
18
One of the most dfficult times of my life was explaining I was no longer pregnant after miscarrying and having joyfully announced I was pregnant. To each his own, but I never announced a pregnancy until I could no longer avoid it after that devastating experience.
19
In 1966 when I was pregnant with my first child I was working as a NYC teacher. At that time you could not teach beyond the 6th month, so I claimed that I was one month less pregnant. When I gave birth at nine months, everyone thought I gave birth a month early
8
I think you should do whatever you want - tell people now or wait. It can be hard if you have a miscarriage to run into people who knew you were pregnant, and embarrassing for them. but it isn't the end of the world.
1
I think it would be more surprising that a young woman of today would not overshare and publish her personal information to the world to see.
She may be fortunane, or, perhaps nieve enough to beleive her pregnancy will not impact her employment. For most, it will.
2
Everyone marches to the beat of a different drummer.
Some like the music soft and intimate - best shared among people very close to them.
Others like a big brass band heard round the neighborhood.
Having watched others struggle in those first 12 weeks (and even weeks 26 - 40), I can easily understand the soft and quiet approach.
13
I kept my first pregnancy secret from everyone but my husband until 5 months! We had just gotten married, gotten pregnant in the first two weeks, and I had moved away to join him in another city. Being newly married, living together for the first time, and getting use to living somewhere new were already so much to tackle. Waiting to talk baby with others allowed me to pace myself and get used to so many life changes gradually. But it was, admittedly, a little lonely.
3
Admit it, Ms Cooper, you just want to do what many excited women or couples do when they discover they're expecting a baby: shout it out joyously! Most of us have been there, some of us many times. But boy, not many of us have been able to shout it out quite so voluminously or joyously as an article in the NYT. Anyway, congratulations. We all hope things go well with you and the baby....and if things dont go well for any reason, rely on your close circle of family and friends...they will help pull you through....it has always been that way....
4
After many years and many births I have learned not to count children before they are born. Having met many women who did what you are doing announcing early lead to embarrassment for myself and the women who announced. I wait for birth these days.
15
This piece reminds me a bit about the not-yet-parents who confidently state all the things they will never do when THEY become parents.
Fast forward a few years into their parenthood journey and they have changed their tune. Experience has given them a whole different perspective.
I hope for the best for this writer and I commend her for fighting the good fight in the working world. But should she ever find herself in the horrible position of having to inform the wide world (not just close friends and family) of a pregnancy loss, she might better understand why people keep early pregnancy news quiet. It's not about the "stigma of miscarriages." It's about the awful burden of having to inform near-strangers about a private tragedy. I've seen people go through this and it's not something I would wish on anyone.
20
My mother's friend's daughter lost five pregnancies in a row, each at the beginning of the second trimester. This was never disclosed until after she brought her only child successfully to term. She later told me that if she had announced each pregnancy, as her mother wished, followed by each loss, then she probably wouldn't have survived the depressions she experienced, if she had also been on the receiving end of multiple public condolences. While it isn't uncommon to lose a pregnancy, it's one thing to quote statistics, and a completely different thing to become a statistic.
18
By choice, I've never had a child.
I'm telling the world. You're now relieved of your intense anticipation and suspense.
All chide aside, I'll say this for Ms. Cooper. I started reading her essay, stayed with it, and read the comments.
Congratulations, Ms. Cooper. Well played.
3
There's something to be said for controlling the message. Even if you know or suspect a pregnancy, you shouldn't ask the mother until they are ready to tell you. You don't know who knows how much, why, or when. I happen to live 2,000 miles from my nearest relative. I don't want family finding out on social media because I told my friend down the block.
Ideally, I would like to inform the 4 grandparents in three different states and all in a different time zone personally and as simultaneously as possibly. This before I tell anyone else. It's called being polite. Not everyone has the luxury of broadcasting their pregnancy on an exclusive New York Times opinion column.
The same thing is true about miscarriages, still births, nonviable, and... stigma of stigmas... unwanted pregnancies or otherwise unnecessary abortions.
Many women want to keep their options open. Less information is more. You tell someone you miscarried, and everyone says "I'm sorry." You tell someone you're waiting until after the genetic test at week 10 to see if there are any gene disorders before deciding whether to have an abortion or not, people get surprisingly judgmental. I'd rather not have that conversation with Grandma at all. She doesn't need to know.
However, I'd be lying for the rest of my life if I told her we were pregnant and miscarried even though the real reason is a gene test came up bad. I'd rather wait till 12 weeks. We'd need some time to put together announcement cards anyway.
14
I didn't read this. But the headline reminded of the old story about the woman who said she was pregnant when she asked a man on a bus for his seat. He stood up, she sat down, and noting her thin body he asked how far along she was. "Fifteen minutes, and I'm exhausted."
11
I believe people should share more about their medical conditions. It helps the people around you to know what they should do should you need assistance. A woman in the dept I managed was pregnant and said nothing until she was in a dressing room stall in labor. She was too afraid of losing her job. I tried to get her to go to the hospital but she refused to leave before the end of her shift. We all felt like caa-caa because had we known we could have helped not just earlier that day but for the whole 8 months.
Pregnancy is just another medical condition. We as humans need to be more supportive and compassionate to all people with medical conditions. But if we don't know we cannot properly help or be supportive.
1
It's pretty sad she felt that way. On the other hand, she's going to be one tough mom.
It is not easy to "share" to everyone at work that you are no longer pregnant after a miscarriage. It is even more difficult to pretend that you miscarried when in fact you terminated the pregnancy due to to genetic testing results. (Or you could be honest and then deal with people knowing something very private about you). I wish the author a wonderful pregnancy - but she certainly doesn't speak for a vast amount of women who prefer to keep their private lives private.
21
I applaud your approach. I had three early miscarriages in the 1990s,preceded by years of infertility. The first time I miscarried hardly anyone knew I was pregnant. Thus, when I experienced loss I got little support. It was devastating feeling that I might never have a family. I was astonished when the doctor told me these early losses were extremely common; I believe the word used was “normal.” Women should know this information from other women and get support when they need it. This is what I tell my three healthy children; that, and that they were worth waiting for!
5
Until you actually lose a pregnancy, you have no idea how painful it is. It took me years to be able to talk about my four miscarriages, only because the sadness was too great. And I already had a beautiful and healthy daughter. It has to be even worse for women who don’t have children yet. So, congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy it and stay positive. Glad you feel you can share it with the world but,please, don’t try to tell others what to share and what not to share.Women should never feel pressured to “hide” their pregnancies, but they shouldn’t feel preassured to share them either. We all have a right to our privacy.
27
Congratulations, and all the best for your family.
There are many reasons for not announcing. Miscarriage. Potential Gene Defects. Doubts. Fear. Insecurity. Coming to terms with motherhood and wanting to define it for oneself, and not let the others define it.
I wish you all the best and that this turns out to have been the right choice. Not telling anyone is a meme that has evolved over hundreds of years. It just is the safe bet, not the only bet.
8
By “nonviable”, does the author mean that the fetus might have a condition like Down syndrome? I know lots of women who wait to share pregnancy news until they have competed a screening for this. Most women terminate if the fetus is affected by Down syndrome (or another condition), so not telling is about avoiding the stigma of abortion. However, these are not at all “nonviable” pregnancies. Women should have the right to do what they want in response to a prenatal diagnosis— it is a problem that women would face retaliation or worse for announcing a pregnancy and then announcing an abortion. Being open about these choices will help to normalize them. But lumping pregnancies with Down syndrome under the umbrella of “nonviable” is simply untrue, and suggests the author is trying to downplay the ethical dilemma some women face when deciding to do when they receive such a diagnosis. I, too, wish to protect women’s right to choose, but that does not mean suggesting that perfectly normal conditions are medically unviable. Rather, it means being open about the difficult choices women face, supporting those choices whether we agree or not, and providing a path to economic security for mothers.
4
I find it interesting that you immediately assume non viable means Down syndrome. There are many things that can go wrong with a pregnancy that could render it nonviable. There could be birth defects that mean the fetus would not survive out of the womb. There are genetic traits that could mean the child would die, painfully, at a very young age.
A woman’s choice is a very complicated issue. The more of us who approach it with open minds and empathy the more likely we are to finding common ground.
11
I agree that the term non viable doesn't apply to Down's syndrome, but the condition isn't perfectly normal by any means. people with Down's syndrome can have a very wide range of disabilities and medical problems.
4
Being called a “murder” and considered to be one by your family is incredibly painful. I applaud any efforts to lessen the stigma of miscarriage and abortion, but I’m not sure the author has given this possibility any real thought.
2
I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found about it. I told my family right away. I told all my close friends and a few randos. I didn't tell anybody at work.
A few weeks later, I had a miscarriage. Yes, it meant going through a many teary sad conversations but in each one I got a hug, support in many ways and so many empathetic stories about miscarriages women around me had that I never knew about. I told my supervisor about the miscarriage when I hand't told him yet about the pregnancy, and the support was absolute, down to two weeks off and another three in flextime to help me recover. In fact, I told more people about the miscarriage than I did about the pregnancy, because I looked as devastated as I felt and it was hard to go through all of it when living half the world away from home. I am so grateful for all the support and helpful conversations I had and cringe at the idea of having gone through it all in silence.
Yet each case is different. I think this article is brave in pushing towards first trimester considerations at work and I can't wait to see that happen. I also know that the fact that we are not there yet is why I didn't tell anybody at work fist. Would I do it next time? Not automatically, but I do think that the more we make our cases for it the faster those changes will come - maybe not for us, but for other mother to come.
5
When I became pregnant with my first child 40 years ago, in France, I do not remember much in the way of unsolicited advice and certainly no unwelcome touching, and in any case with excellent free government mandated pre-natal care throughout the pregnancy, maybe most sensible people knew you had all the advice you needed. However, what I do remember is the number of random people, particularly the merchants/ farmers, I saw at my weekly market, who were eager to tell me they were sure they knew the “sex” of the coming baby, usually based on obscure peasant folklore - including swinging a pocket watch over my “bump” which I gently declined. In the final days of my pregnancy the general consensus at the market was “c’est un garçon,” but there was still rejoicing when I returned to the market with my baby girl.
5
Good for you. The secrecy seems lonely, mostly in the interest of avoiding naming potential pain and disappointment down the line.
Last year, in the week he died, my father learned his granddaughter was about six weeks pregnant with twins. Though he could no longer speak, he used his fingers to announce not two, but four, count them, four great grandchildren.
A few weeks after he died, there was a miscarriage. My heart broke for the mom and dad to be. And she wondered if she had made a mistake telling people so early. But I thought, “I am glad I know because how else could I truly be there for you.”
Later she told me about a dream she had, the gist of which was the bittersweet knowledge that her grandfather had lived in world where he believed we were welcoming twins. That, she did not regret.
15
I have never heard of a social convention that tells women that they must not divulge a pregnancy during the first trimester. But you only have to go through your first time after a miscarriage, having to tell everybody that you’re not pregnant anymore, to realize that some women wait so that they don’t have to then announce their miscarriage, too.
14
How can there be so much wrong in the world when everyone's grandkids are - of course - perfect?
Congrats to all moms-to-be, especially the first-timers. My arrival followed my mom's ectopic pregnancy, so life does insist on going on and multiplying.
You're a better person than I, Gunga Mom.
4
I wish instead today they ran something about the Pregnancy Workers Fairness Act passing the congressional committee vote today (next on to the house!).
I’m not offended by another’s decisions on this, it’s a lovely perspective for those in a free position or of a healthy age not to worry... but I definitely strongly warn against anyone with a job not to tell until the last minute possible. And the female bosses seem to be equally - if not more - harsh about it, from speaking with friends who were similarly discriminated against / pushed out.
5
I am curious why Ms. Cooper chose to write this piece in the first place. Most, if not all women share the early news of their pregnancy with someone-a partner, immediate family or a close friend. These early pregnancies are not "hidden" or "secret", they are private.
Most women have the privilege of sharing their pregnancy news on a timeline of their own choosing. The fear of miscarriage and the resulting emotional devastation is very real and a deterrent to over-sharing.
Ms. Cooper's piece is not enlightening to anyone-except possibly herself.
59
I don’t get it, either.
3
Always good to know what happens outside the USA, here a few facts from Sweden.
I have been a translator and language editor for Ob-gyn researchers at several medical centers in Sweden for many years. The single most important fact some of them have told me is that 99% of the women who become pregnant in Sweden enter the maternal health care system between week 9 and 12.
To check on facts I go to 1177.se, the health care website, where I can see the complete plan followed by most mothers to be during their pregnancy. When they enter the system their first meeting is with a midwife.
The national register of pregnant women contains information on how each pregnancy ended, and contains complete information from entry into the system until they leave it . A complete record of an individual's contact with the healthcare system is available to the individual herself and to researchers (for example, I can go into my journal at 1177.se and see a record of all visits, record of measurements and diagnoses, and much more).
Once the child is born, paid parental leave kicks in.
The contrast between what is reported in this article and what is standard in Sweden is, quite simply, dramatic.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
13
@Larry Lundgren This is not unique to Sweden. A similar system exists in Israel where I had my kids. Actually, the first contact with the medical system at week 9 is pretty late. I had mine at week 4 and it was with a doctor, not a midwife. I never even thought about concealing my pregnancy, and of course, nobody could have fired me for it - it would be illegal. I had a paid parental leave which I found incredibly boring and could not wait to get back to work, but it’s just me. The way American women are treated is shameful. But they are also to blame, in my view, making so much out of pregnancy and childbearing, as if it was the most important thing in life instead of being just a normal part of the normal life-cycle.
2
@Mor - Thanks Mor (Mother in Swedish). Of course not unique to Sweden, all advanced countries with a significant educated population have something like that - exception USA.
I am equally interested in your closing sentences - having babies is part of "This Life" (The name of the remarkable book I am citing in comments almost daily).
My great neighbors had a baby, boy number 4, about 14 months ago and dad and mom seemingl shared parental leave equally. Some time I will ask each if he or she was bored or better yet how they experienced it.
In Sweden midwives have responsibility for birthing, MD available if needed.
Thanks for the reply, always a good part of commenting.
Larry
2
Interesting that not too many readers seemed to have considered one obvious possibility - that many women do not talk about an early pregnancy because they are dismayed and considering whether or not to end it. Odd that although most of those reading this would consider themselves woke and pro-choice the idea of a woman in everyday circumstances deliberately making that decision, much less discussing it with others, doesn't seem to occur.
24
@Cloudy -(see my comment above yours in ALL) It just struck me that in Sweden the health-care registers could be used to determine quite well the percentage of pregnant women who did not report to a maternal care center until after any threshold value the researcher wanted to use.
Virtually all pregnancy outcomes are registered in a database that can be linked to another database showing country of birth. Each individual is registered for life in these databases by "personnummer" an individual ID number that includes date of birth. The week of first registration is also accessible.
True, a friend of the pregnant woman may not know but the Swedish health care system knows.
If anyone reads this who works in ob-gyn I would be curious to know if one can determine the percentage of women of so-called African-American ethnicity who register with a care provider that they are pregnant by for example, gestational week 12.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
Brava for writing this deeply important piece. I couldn’t stand more firmly behind you.
1
As much as I'd like to agree with the author's point that it's better to be honest with work colleagues about what's making you feel ill, they're not your personal support group.
In my experience as a cancer survivor, most workplaces want nothing less than physical perfection. You can get away with "feeling under the weather," but admit to anything as serious as cancer or pregnancy, and your seemingly limitless career horizon will shrink to the size of a pink slip.
40
Congratulations, and good for you! Thought-provoking and insightful. Thank you!
2
Thank you for this piece! I'm 13 weeks into my first pregnancy and recently told just my parents, in-laws, and closest friends. I wish I had shared the news with them earlier - it was hard having nobody to confide in when I had so much anxiety and confusion, not to mention those unpleasant first-trimester symptoms.
6
I have had three relatively uneventful pregnancies resulting in my three wonderful children. I might feel differently if I had experienced a miscarriage and people who are pregnant should certainly be welcome to share that news whenever they would like but my experience is that I always wished I could have waited longer.
My work puts me in front of people and once I have announced a pregnancy, thus begins months and months of comments on the pregnancy/my body and little conversation about anything else. It’s exhausting and monotonous.
17
Some women don't share their early pregnancies because they aren't sure if they are pregnant. While it is not common, occasionally women will have one or two lighter periods after they are actually pregnant. That was true for me.
8
My daughters were both the result of unplanned pregnancies but, luckily, healthy and born into a loving marriage. Several years after my second, I became unexpectedly pregnant again (at 41). At 8 weeks I miscarried. My father-in-law (an MD) consoled me by mentioning that "the equipment isn't so great at your age." Geez. Even younger women miscarry. Why couldn't he just have said "so sorry for your loss." Why do people feel the need to narrate other people's pregnancies in this way?
19
I quite agree. I have noticed this trend and, though I believe every women must make her own choice as she sees fit, she is missing out on a few things by not sharing her news. She is missing the prayers and good wishes of her friends, family, co-workers and even acquaintances. And if sorrow should come she is missing their support. Congratulations and thank you for sharing your joy.
4
I took this column differently than a lot of the people who've commented. For me, the point was that if you have the financial security to announce your pregnancy, think about doing it, for the sake of changing the culture for the millions of women who better not dare to share the news. I took the writer as being an activist and an advocate for them.
What I did not know is the risk that women take if they happened to have a miscarriage. I did not know they might be treated cruelly. Everyone who said this is above all a personal decision is right.
14
Not living and working in the US, announcing early was not for fear of losing my job. I was in my doctors waiting room, my sister in law (not married at the time) was the appointment in front of me- she came out with a blue slip which I knew meant she'd had an ultrasound- and was probably pregnant. I went in for my appointment, told my doctor I was pregnant and he burst into laughter. I went home and told my husband- yes, 8-10 weeks pregnant and by the way your sister is too. My mother in law was an staunch Irish Catholic for whom having a child outside of marriage was just not done! I waited until my sister in law could tell her parents of her pregnancy before I told anyone. I was starting to show by the time I could finally say- and by the way, I'm pregnant also! We both had beautiful daughters, born 10 days apart. However, I spent from 16 weeks onwards on bedrest/hospital care with pre-eclampsia, whereas her pregnancy was uneventful. So you never know how it's going to go, but best of luck and here's to an uneventful pregnancy and a happy and healthy baby for you.
1
Congratulations! I’m in that ambitious club, and had 2 kiddos over 35. It’s a wonderful club to be in. It’s not always easy, but having children transformed my career in more positive ways than I ever thought possible, because with babies you have to change. However, I am self employed so I have been able to more easily shape my path. Keep dreaming big with your baby at your side. PS it’s hard and you’ll be tired. But it’s worth it.
4
My first pregnancy. I told everyone I knew when I was at 10 weeks. Then I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. And for many, many weeks afterwards, I had to relive my painful, traumatic experience when the random coworker I hadn’t talked to yet comes up to say “How are you feeling??”.
This is why you don’t want to share the good news until after 12ish weeks. It’s not because of some stigma. It is because it is too painful to break everyone’s hearts, and have yours broken again and again, when you lose your baby.
The only stigma around miscarriage is that more women aren’t made aware of how incredibly common they are, so that they are the slightest bit prepared when it happens to them.
78
I am a man, and would not dream of telling a woman when to announce a pregnancy. But I do not think you should either. People are different. The fear of miscarriage is not just about the event itself but also about enduring the “sympathy” of others, of being defined even for a while as the woman who lost a baby. If I can understand that, I think you should also.
61
@Gerard As mentioned in comments earlier, the decision can also be about the potential need to terminate a seriously or even fatally flawed pregnancy. A topic which obviously has rampant issues associated with it in our culture today. We must remove the sigma of abortion!
Congratulations! I hope we someday reach a point where we respect a woman's right to tell or not, to work outside the home or not, and the myriad other decisions that become some kind of moral test. I've been through all of it, made different decisions each time, and am glad that as an American, I have had such choices.
7
17 years ago I shared my second pregnancy at four weeks to anyone I would have shared any impending pregnancy. I'm one of those people who show right away and I'm just not good at 'pretending' what I viewed as good news for me and my family. A few people were surprised, most people congratulated me and moved on with little thought about it, but only a few people made discouraging comments. One was a woman who told me I was crazy because I might need to have an abortion. I replied that this was a planned pregnancy so any abortion would be for a very sad, but understandable reason (except for the most anti-choice folks) and that I wouldn't hesitate to share that either.
I never felt it impacted my career. But then, I had a woman supervisor who was four months ahead of me in her pregnancy and a woman department head who had just given birth a few months prior and took full leave. I also live in a state that has higher than average wages for working moms. Mothers in leadership roles helped empower me to share my good news early. We need more of that!
11
Stigma or no stigma, miscarriages and non viable pregnancies are very common and if you tell everyone you know at six weeks then discover you have a blighted ovum at eight weeks you’ll have to go back and tell them all that things didn’t work out, just as you’re dealing with the emotional fallout of that unfortunate discovery. My wife and I went through this during her first pregnancy and we were much more silent about the second one because we didn’t want to risk a repeat of those uncomfortable conversations.
I don’t really see any benefit to shouting it from the rafters but go for it if you want to. I doubt it will push employers to be more accommodating, the cultural failings that drive pregnancy discrimination aren’t based on what happens in the first trimester. They’re a consequence of a corporate culture that views workers as expensive and easily replaced cogs rather than people who deserve to have lives beyond their economic function.
59
Congratulations, Betsy. I had no idea who you were until now but I and thousands of other NYT's reader now know your name! I have 3 wonderful, living adult children. None of those pregnancies went seamlessly but my babies were healthy. I had another child who died shortly after birth from undiagnosed birth defects. That tragedy was my easiest pregnancy. I've had an abortion and a miscarriage as well. The experience of pregnancy varies greatly from woman to woman. It's can be wonderful when one dearly wants a baby but can be terrifying under many other circumstances. Read about the experiences in these comments. It's personal. Sharing it is personal. Good luck to you.
20
Twenty years ago, I miscarried at five or six weeks and was glad not to have to tell more close family and friends than I did. That was my only pregnancy. Before that, I knew a number of women who had five or six miscarriages before they could successfully complete a pregnancy. Most women's bodies bear these stories--the lost pregnancies, the baby that was wanted but never conceived, the babies that died in infancy. I can only imagine what women older than I have been through. Each new pregnancy takes place in a community--or many communities--with all these different stories and histories, as we each march through our years at whatever stage of life we are at.
15
My midwife, who got me through three pregnancies (one of which ended in miscarriage) advises that you should tell the people about a pregnancy who you would want support from if something went wrong. I followed this advice, and will always remember the hugs and comfort from dear friends who I shared my miscarriage with. However, I’m also glad I didn’t have to post about it on social media or talk about it with the co-worker who just never makes you feel better.
55
As a father of 3 and grandfather of 2, it is deeply dispiriting to read of pregnancy referred to as a 'guilt ridden enterprise'....if we as a society have deteriorated to the point where child-bearing is stigmatized, we will only have ourselves to blame for the future health of our cultural and civic well-being.....
8
I am glad this topic is being discussed in the NYTimes and I appreciate this perspective. However, as someone who has experienced 3 miscarriages and given birth to 2 children - but only after a total of 18 months of severe, debilitating nausea - I see pregnancy very differently now compared to when I was blissfully happy 6 weeks into my first pregnancy like this author. Pregnancy is a very different experience for everyone. I hope the author has a positive experience and I am happy she feels free to announce her pregnancy right away. If she does miscarry early, she will (hopefully) have the support of those around her rather than suffer in silence. However, her perspective on announcing early may also change if that happens. I know mine did.
37
Thank you for sharing. I, too, resent the “rule” that we must keep pregnancies secret until “it’s safe” to tell the world. I’ve announced a pregnant at 8 weeks then miscarried; I had an instant support group and acquaintances opened up to me about their miscarriage. I’ve swung the other way and waited until 20 weeks to share the pregnancy news, only to “lose” the baby 3 weeks later. My experiences taught me to do what I needed to do, but I will share about my losses when I have the opportunity as to normalize loss (sadly) to the rest of the world. No one should feel alone as they grieve.
9
Are women not sharing their pregnancies because they worry that it's rude? I've never heard of that.
I have heard a lot of people claiming that fetuses are people in the first trimester, though they're not.
Because I don't think women who want to are discouraged from sharing their news, I wonder if you care more about getting people excited about fetuses.
Rather than freeing pregnant women, that could imprison them.
1
I am glad you are excited and happy for you. I hope you have a blissful pregnancy. I am concerned though about women who have miscarried who read this article, myself among them. Please do not talk about other people’s support’ until you have encountered the EXTREME awkwardness and devastation that is ‘untelling’ a pregnancy announcement. I would never advise a woman to announce her pregnancy early.
107
I whole heartedly agree with this article. Until we talk about our miscarriages and abortions openly, the stigma and emotional isolation that they carry won’t go away. I try to live my life as an authentic person, so accordingly I have told people, who asked, both about the miscarriage and abortion I’ve had in the past. And when both my pregnancies were confirmed, I was happy to tell family & friends and those who asked, about my pregnancy and my fears and hopes about it. Truth is always liberating, and sharing both your good and bad will allow you to make true connections and find support, which is so needed both when you’re about to become a parent and when you’re dealing with miscarriages or abortions.
7
Pregnancy is a breeze compared to what comes afterwards. Enjoy yourself (in moderation) while you can.
6
Twenty one years ago I was at the Christmas party at my first job, past first trimester of my first pregnancy. Work was going great, boss was happy with my progress. I shared the happy news with coworkers. Junior colleagues were excited, seniors sneered. Boss calls me in later, I think same day, asks about my plans. I start off on the projections and prospects of new project . He listens and replies, ,, "after the baby, what are your plans after the baby!".I will take a few weeks off I say. ( Maternity leave did not exist then). " My wife stopped work when we had our first child" he replied. What was he talking about? I finished a Ph.D. took a weekend off for getting married and am excited about starting my career as a scientist. Had I kept my pregnancy secret untill it had started showing, my project would not have been surreptitiously handed over to a senior colleague. I switched Jobs. He still regrets letting me go, because that project was never completed.
42
Good luck with everything. Nothing is certain, so I applaud your bravery. You are placing a huge bet on the future, are willing to hold yourself hostage to chance. May it all go well and may you always have the support you need.
6
Until reading this article, I wasn't aware there was a "social convention," set in stone, against revealing pregnancy in its early stages. Most women I know who haven't done so were more concerned about miscarriage, or preferred not to share widely what they considered personal, or felt (as one commenter notes below) that their pregnancy was a non-issue for most beyond their family and friends. Discrimination against pregnant women at work -- that's real. I'm not convinced that all of the other issues raised are, however.
18
Congratulations! I wish you a joyful future.
It's true that these days it's seen as almost "inconsiderate" to others to share pregnancy before the 12 week mark, as though we shouldn't tell other people in case something goes wrong because then they will be "inconvenienced" by our sorrow, not to mention the fact that in our careers we may be seen us as less competent or less worth investing in because of our gestational status.
As a person who experienced 10 years of infertility and numerous miscarriages, I know how scary it can be to share and how lonely/alienating it can be not to, having done both. I think it's time for women to feel free to come out of the closet, as you have, if they wish to.
286
@Liz :
IF they wish to being the most important statement.
There are very good reasons for holding off on telling until you have to. Work related blow back and intrusive advice being the main things.....
The writer apparently works on her own, and doesn't need to worry about being fired or demoted. Good for her.
7
During the orientation to Medical School, we were given an introduction to what we were about to experience over the next four years. The usual talks were about how to survive, numbers to call if you felt that survival might not happen. Then a fourth year student took the stage, she was heavily pregnant and proud of this pregnancy and each of the three other pregnancies she had, one for each year of medical school. She was on schedule to graduate with all of her cohort because “everyone in this Medical School worked with me to make this happen for me, they organized my rotations about my pregnancies”. She and our Medical School got a standing ovation from all of us newby students. That was in the last century, 1997 . Shouldn’t we be able to do this and better in all industries and businesses??
293
@Mark
My comment has nothing to do with sharing pregnancy news early, just a reply to an inspiring but somewhat misleading story:
She also should have thanked the personal resources and luck she was blessed with - most likely finances and family that could help manage such a feat, potentially an ability to function on less sleep than the average person (evidence suggests this gene mutation exists), less complicated pregnancies, naturally lower levels of neurosis, etc.
All the kudos to her. The decision to do such hard things at once (pregnancy, early childhood parenting with medical training) should be supported by the school as its HER decision, but any skepticism surrounding the decision is only natural and rational. Having all those kids during medical training is VERY hard and there are almost always untold stories of exceptional support systems at home and collateral damage.
It is a lovely story, but feeds into a narrative that too often neglects the hidden resources that made it all work and sets up ambitious women for failure. Industries and businesses should support the capacity for someone to accomplish such a feat. As a society, we should all acknowledge the privileges that were involved and strive to allow these opportunities to more people where applicable.
35
I am glad. I was harassed horribly in training during the 80s for my pregnancy. interestingly, I was not harassed when I had a first trimester miscarriage and took a few days off. But I was in the lab that year.
8
Four babies in four years while at Medical school: that strikes me as obsessive and inconsiderate to employer and colleagues. I do think pregnant women should have rights and this School clearly respected them, but this story sounds like abuse and exploitation of those rights.
38
My spouse frowns upon discussing his personal life, whereas I’m an open book.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that he told all the neighbors when I was 5 weeks pregnant with twins! It came from a place of unbridled joy, so it was okay with me.
233
@Cousy
At five weeks, how did you know it was twins?
1
@Cousy Oh that is so lovely!
3
@Cavatina
I went through IVF, and there is very intense monitoring in the early weeks of pregnancy.
4
Those of you who did not want to share your pregnancies due to fear of miscarriage or a preference for privacy, this article is not for you. The author is not arguing that women should be compelled to share before they are ready. This article is for those who feel ready to share, but shamed into silence by the social convention and it’s accompanying stigma. It’s for the women who feel too ill to perform adequately at work but can’t explain why. Who feel ashamed because their wool suits are too tight and they can’t shamelessly wear stretchy maternity clothing yet. Whose careers require planning many months in advance and who are struggling to explain why they cannot schedule a conference or a jury trial 7 months from now. Who want advice but can’t ask for it without raising suspicions.
267
@JM I’d argue it is also for those who fear miscarriage. That would be me (were I pregnant)—I think the author is brave and doing a selfless service. If more were open, the general public would have a better understanding for how common early pregnancy loss is! Like de-stigmatizing abortion by women telling their personal stories, the author’s decision helps de-stigmatize and de-mystify spontaneous abortion (aka miscarriage). Am not so bold myself, but I applaud her.
26
Good for you! Many people will try to shame you about every little thing about your pregnancy, and then your parenting. Especially NYT commenters, each of whom has apparently led a perfect, responsible, carbon-free life, making all the right decisions and raising perfect children. I had my first child at 39, and my second at 41, and believe me people had opinions. The beauty of being an older first-time mother, though, is you're better able to let things slide. I lost no sleep worrying about some of the things that random people on the street told me I should be worried about, as a pregnant woman and as a new mother. So you be yourself, only pregnant. And enjoy it, if you can. Even that sounds presumptuous - if it's miserable, well, you're still normal. Parenthood is fun until it's not, but it's always interesting. Congratulations!
175
@HumplePi We had our first at 32 for my wife, and our second at 42 , everybody has opinions ? Spot on !!! : )
1
@HumplePi
Ain't that the truth? Everyone's got an unsolicited opinion about your life, especially when you're pregnant and mothering.
I think being able to let things slide is more of a personality thing than age-related. I was 28 with my first and at least 4 different health care professionals that first week told me I didn't seem like a first time mom. Apparently I didn't hover or obsess enough? My sister, who had her daughter at 43, has been anxious since childhood and took that full steam ahead into motherhood.
What? Many women who delay announcement wait until they have prenatal testing for birth defects. That s the real truth of it. All but one of my nieces waited until then to announce their pregnancies, and the one who announced earlier would never consider abortion because she is a fundamentalist. Be honest.
221
this. I don't even need to write my own comment except to add that it only becomes more true as a women gets older.
49
@Passion for Peaches Thank you for saying this. It's the most-needed observation of all. Science enables people make tough decisions. Guarding one's privacy can make such decisions easier.
77
@Passion for Peaches
I'm amazed.
Did everyone else think of this?
It did not so much as cross my mind, and I'm not a starry-eyed romantic. I'm a lawyer.
26
During my late 20s (1970s), after a long-standing diagnosis of serious endometriosis --with its unscheduled episodes of unspeakable pain,constant surgery,dire predictions of eternal infertility, experimental medicines, pain killers, even miscarriages-- I toiled away, a precocious youngster in a male field. My self-esteem lessened after each medical episode as I a hopeless flake; then were twins coming. My Dr Husband, was congratulated and celebrated at work while I was constantly interrogated about my career, health, marriage, work future.
As per our religious tradition, we told no one until after 12 weeks.
From week 13 until week 25, nothing was amiss. Yet anything I did in public: eat, drink, stand or sit, was commented on by anyone who liked.
Strangers stopped me to comment on my shoes, clothing choices,"is Baby comfortable in that?"
Worst was when people would rub my belly "for luck" without asking.
One night I awoke, cold and hemorrhaging. By the time we got to St.Vincents I knew the babies were dead and I wasn't far behind. Dr. Husband refused a blood transfusion for me as it was before the blood supply had been secured, so my recovery took months.
Alone then, on my own, for years I heard "You know, you hurt those poor babes, by running for the train/taking the stairs/staying at the library til midnight working, by not taking care," and I believed it.
A pregnant woman becomes public property, worldover, as entertainment or object lesson. And is that right?
353
@Meeka I am so sorry to hear your story. What a tremendous loss. It’s disappointing that anyone would Offer anything other than condolences.
109
@Meeka, so very sorry for your loss.
And no, it isn't right for people to behave toward you as they did. I will admit that, about thirty years ago, I raised my eyebrows when a pregnant woman at the same table at my roommate's wedding was smoking. So, I'm not perfect, either.
46
@Mirlonyo
Thank you. It was a long time ago, almost a different world, in many ways.
Eventually, medical technology caught up with me and, after a difference sort of pregnancy, I am now the mother of a most exasperating 16 year old girl.
One thing remained true through both pregnancies: that element of being a public property, there for the comments of others. Only this last time, it continued into active motherhood.
Example: the week before my scheduled C section, (an agreed upon medical necessity by my team of docs) a hospital midwife, during a pre-admission visit told me that I was "dooming" my baby, this without her knowing one scintilla of my long medical history. At first I tried to thank her for her concern but the choice was valid for both mother and baby. When she continued, even more stridently, I finally just told her off and to mind her own business as she was ignorant of mine.
And while it may have cost her that job, I was tired of being told by strangers what I had to do for my baby.
As an accomplished, educated, adult woman I can take in information and make judgement and effect decisions. I already accept responsibilities that no stranger knows; they should return the favor.
But again, I thank you (and I'm from LA too!)
103
Women live in difficult male dominated times where every male has an opinion about a woman's body. Look at Planned Parenthood and the attacks on it by men . Corporations dont want to pay maternity leave to women and the data shows that black women die more in child birth than their white counterparts. Why is the medical community ok with these deaths.? Black women don't matter.
Pregnancy is a private matter it is nobody's business and if we were a caring society. not a punitive demanding one. We need to leave mothers alone. As a society we don't know how to act, we are in everyone else's business but not helping people who need help. We have no decency. It is not anyone's business .
The pressure on women is intense. from potential job lost, to caring for family members , lack of health care unless you have walked in their footsteps you have no idea what pressure is.
An informative article however, nothing was mentioned about the women who work for employers who do nothing to change the work schedule to accommodate the needs of women.
Those company names should be highlighted and Americans can walk with their pocketbooks to another corporation who cares about women and their communities. boycotts force change, we are a nation in love with money, boycott and change will come for pregnant women
12
Just post your pregnancy on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram with instant updates and live feeds.
We NEED to know!
6
Seriously? A first time pregnant women is lecturing those of us who have had multiple pregnancies. Some successful, some not.
Some lost to nature, some lost to disgraceful professional misconduct.
I hope her pregnancy ends successfully.
Many of us choose to remain quiet about our pregnancies, praying and hoping they will end well.
40
"These women take a sudden interest in drinking “gin and tonics” at the bar, when everyone knows Manhattans are their drink."
Does anyone still believe that gin and tonic is OK for pregnant women?
Any amount of any alcohol is bad.
If you must go to a bar stick to club soda or mineral water.
4
Um, they are not really drinking gin, but presumably sparkling water with lime, which looks the same as a G&T. She was pointing out the lengths women go to in public to hide their pregnancies, such as pretending to drink alcohol, particularly in a professional setting. I know this because I did the same.
11
@Joshua Schwartz As I explained to another commenter, this refers to the common habit of PRETENDING a seltzer with lime is a G&T. Maybe you have to be a woman to get the reference.
9
You missed the point. They are drinking mineral water with lime, which looks like a gin and tonic,
7
The author should choose a word other than “tyranny” to describe the personal choice (!) women may make to keep their personal health information, including reproductive health, private.
This is particularly true since January 2017 when certain elements gained an even stronger hold on our government. Ones that seem to have real tyranny in mind or, at the very least and along with the likes of ISIS, tyranny over women and girls. For misogyny is by far the very oldest of hatreds.
11
Thank you, thank you for sharing. Please promise me that you will share what happens with your pregnancy, and I hope The NY Times will publish a follow up. I have two children aged 8 and 5, and I have had three miscarriages. I love my children, and I have a career I love. I always wanted to be a mother, but lord knows is it so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. I got pregnant with my son two weeks after starting a new job that I wanted very badly. I couldn’t tell anyone at work of course, and yet I was miserable throughout that first trimester that was also the first three months of me getting to know my new employer and team. Oh, and did I mention that I sobbed through every doctors appointment? I kept waiting for the news that this pregnancy would miscarry like three previous experiences I had. So thank you for this perspective, and more women should be honest about miscarriage. Every time I meet someone who is sharing their pregnancy news, a little part of me tightens up for them. I no longer enthusiastically shout “CONGRATULATIONS.” I usually smile, ask how they are feeling. And inside I am saying to myself “I am holding space for you in case this doesn’t turn out like you hoped. This may not be the blessed event our culture rallies around.” Miscarriage is horrible, but it is real and common and something that we should acknowledge and support.
187
@Chris Pilsner thank you for sharing. I found out I was pregnant with my first a few days before starting a new job I really wanted. I was so sick (for most of my pregnancy), and felt so guilty for being a wet blanket during the first months getting to know my colleagues. Now I'm 7 weeks with my second, so sick again, and holding onto the secret while navigating career changes. It's so tough.
5
@Chris Pilsner Thanks so much for your comment. I'll do my best to keep sharing (not least, I'll soon start a Twitter thread @betsontech about my adventures in trying to find nonalcoholic drinks at work events). I can't promise how I will feel if I do miscarry, so I don't want to promise anything, but I do someday hope that I will be able to share with you (and with NY Times readers) whether at that stage I still feel I was right to be so public.
1
The many ways an early pregnancy can and may go wrong are what keep us from sharing. A roomful of doctors searching ultrasonically for your “missing” ectopic pregnancy while you can’t reach your husband at work will make you think twice about who deserves to know what you’re going through. Share if you want, but please do not judge those of us who can hardly shoulder our own burdens through this.
342
@Acfh The point is that you're under no obligation to share that you are pregnant, and no obligation to share that you are no longer pregnant, or why. Your medical issues are not the business of everyone in the office. They're curious? So what?
6
@Acfh I agree, there is plenty of judgement all the way around, both sides. I liked a comment from above where her reaction is that she asks how the pregnant person is feeling and inside holds space for you in case it doesn't turn out like you hoped. That's compassionate, thoughtful, and kind. A true measure of being a good, helpful human in this world. I am a pretty private person, and never feel the need to talk that much about how I'm feeling, unless I am asked or I have to. I really didn't get belly touches in my two pregnancies, nor did anyone say anything when I had a meal of raw sushi over Christmas during my current pregnancy. Perhaps there is something about the way one presents oneself - if you act like this is perfectly normal and no one can tell you what to do, people around you tend to take a hint. Perhaps what people can do more is learn how to put down boundaries and keep them.
5
@amy With all due respect, I think you miss her point. She's not saying everyone should be forced to be public. Rather that it shouldn't be shameful to be public if one chooses - especially because more openness about miscarriages and fertility issues will make the world a safer and more compassionate place for women going through this
6
Good for you Betsy.....not that I care one bit about it.
11
You mean it's okay to drink gin and tonic while pregnant?
3
@RamS I'm not sure if you're kidding or not, but if not, the drink is actually seltzer and lime. Looks like a G&T.
@RamS No— she means the women are sneakily drinking sparkling water to hide their pregnancies.
I'm guessing the implication is that it was club soda or seltzer being passed off as a g & t.
And the whole discussion of the author’s age mates going to lengths to hide their choice to forgo alcoholic beverages is troubling in itself.
Since when does someone - anyone - need to explain why they choose non-alcoholic drinks? Even a wine lover sometimes prefers water, the cocktail lover a glass of juice. Unless you and your friends are the alcoholic element at the table or bar, no question should be asked and no reason required for choosing something other than wine, non-virgin cocktails, or beer/ale.
Those who think a woman of child-bearing age who choses not to drink alcohol must be pregnant or that she owes you or anyone any explanation other than preference is an uncouth cad, or worse.
31
One more reason to delay telling the world is to avoid the unwelcome hands who want to feel your baby bump. I hated that; it felt as invasive as unwanted hands on my breasts.
5
Thank you. Making early pregnancy public, if one so chooses and feels safe in so doing, is profoundly connected with making other critical issues, which have long been considered "private," public: the fact that, around the globe, women and children are more likely to live in poverty. The fact that maternal mortality rates in the U.S. are appallingly high, and more so for women of color. The fact domestic violence, or terrorism, is still considered by many to be a "family" or "private" matter, when it is a public health crisis. The fact that dehumanizing prisons, including immigrant detention centers, gravely imperil pregnant women (and all). The fact that men largely legislate policy regarding women's bodily autonomy—the list goes on. While the choice to go public with early (or any) pregnancy may not be a safe or preferred option for all, I appreciate Cooper's bringing her experience into the discourse.
7
As the mother of three grown children, enjoy every second! It’s will be transcendent. Wishing you all the best.
5
Women have a million reasons for not wanting to share the news of pregnancy. I was distraught for instance; I already had two children and one more would really complicate my home and working life so it took me a while to process and to get over the fact that I had an unplanned pregnancy. I needed private time and reflection until I reached acceptance and was no longer angry and disappointed with myself. Besides, I'm not the type to bring attention to myself and eventually in pregnancy a woman does garner a lot of attention and often unwanted attention.
15
I am a 39 year old man with two small children. I love them more than anything, but my career trajectory has -without question- been on hold since 2015 when my daughter was born. That year, I stopped traveling for work, started teleworking part time so I could pick up my child at 4pm, and I take sick days several times a month when one of my kids has a fever. Having kids has diminished my abilities to lead projects, go to conferences, and meet with people regularly. Needless to say, having children has not, as the author contends, helped my career, even if the research she cites says otherwise. I’m not the only father sharing child care responsibilities with my wife, also fully employed. But it seems that popular feminist journalism fully ignores the contributions some men are making at home. I fully appreciate the challenges my wife and many woman face in their careers after having children, but why is acknowledging similar challenges in men’s lives prohibited here? Why casually cite research that diminishes the experiences of non-women as if her point can only be made with a narrative of men as the benefactor, when in reality, it’s weakened labor rights for *all* parents without the means that is a more significant problem. The divisive narrative here doesn’t seem to be helping.
45
You and my husband both, and probably most men I know through work. The research results are about the average man. No need to take it personally, but I see your frustration—my husband shares it.
20
I wish the author the best. Pregnancy without bad outcome is a truly enviable place to be. The part of thinking one would want the support with a pregnancy loss is really something one can think they want, but may or may not want if it happens. It is jarring physically and emotionally, and then to be at work, out to dinner, trying to just not have it consume you is hard. And then have someone you haven't seen in a bit ask if you are excited about the baby who is no longer going to happen is deeply painful in a way that you may not realize beforehand thinking you want people to be there for you. Also telling that sad sack who popped over with a big grin that the pregnancy was lost is just terrible for them and for all. And losing a desired pregnancy changes most people, the world is a different place. The rosy place is hard to remember. Even an article like this would have been a personal attack back in the day when all was raw. Sharing the joy of 6 weeks is a lovely thing, I have done it. But there is a world of things you can't know about it until it unfolds, or goes south. Also on another note, super painful for other people who have lost a pregnancy to hear the glee of 6 weeks and know how tragic it can be, and get flung back there.
34
I really don't this. Who cares whether Ms. Cooper or other 30+ women are pregnant?
None of Ms. Cooper's reasons seem compelling to me, especially when the "secret" eventually has to come out.
30
A week ago, I had a devastating 12 week NT ultrasound. The following day, while my husband and I were out for a walk, crying and discussing an inevitable d&c, a well-meaning neighbor congratulated my husband and asked if we found out the gender. Another neighbor had told the entire neighborhood I was pregnant after I mentioned it to her. I deeply regret losing that safe space to mourn with my family.
175
@J
I’m sure you are working in close consultation with your physician but I just wanted to say we had a similar wrenching experience with an NT ultrasound, opted for further testing and the genetics came back fine. We then went on to additional testing and ultimately went to full term and our child’s has no issues. If that’s not the outcome for you, I’m truly sorry.
4
@JB Or she implied no heartbeat. That is often discovered at 12 weeks.
2
Hid the pregnancy as long as I could because of career as the family’s breadwinner. First question I got asked after I let everyone know was ‘are you coming back’ even though I’d already had one child and was working while it was also well known that my husband was a stay at home dad. That was in the 20th century. What had changed in 20 years? I suggest not enough!
14
Here's the thing- tell people when YOU want to, how you want to. If you want to do it at 6, 8 or 13 weeks, ok. 30 weeks? Sure. Wait till baby is born? Yes! (I mean, prep your boss and family at some point). The thing about it is, the 12 and 13 weeks tests don't mean you are "all clear". Bad things can be detected later (as someone who had two 20 week scans with something wrong). When we make up these timelines of when it is "ok" or safe to tell people, we continue to contribute to the stigma of pregnancy loss, miscarriage and termination for medical reasons by not sharing until a certain made up safe time. As others have said, sharing with people allows you to build a support system in case you need it in bad times instead of potentially keeping it secret because you never announced in the first place.
And, although this wasn't for me, I actually also like the Hilaria Baldwin school of thinking- she's shared her pregnancies early and was public about recent losses. In this small way, she's helping to remove stigma, as well as the author of this article.
9
Ms. Cooper, wishing you a healthy pregnancy and baby-to-be!
This seems like a very personal decision, which each woman should be able to make without critique or second-guessing whether from her spouse or partner, other family members, friends, or [especially] other commenters on the internet.
10
I completely disagree, I do not think women “hide” their pregnancy because of social convention. I think each woman that does not make public her pregnancy does it for personal reasons and by her own choice.
55
I know very few women who shared in the first trimester but so far as I know it was just because they were worried about miscarriage. I didn't want to get the people around me excited, because I knew that it would only make ME more excited, and I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. (Also.... I am superstitious, so was worried it would jinx it.)
16
I love reading the musings of the newly-pregnant who actually think this is the hardest part of being a mother. Godspeed, Betsy, but this does feel tone-deaf.
182
I missed where she said that she thought pregnancy would be the hardest part of being a mother. It seemed to me that she is just talking about and dealing with the part of motherhood that she is currently experiencing.
28
Ha! Perfect comment.
7
@Sarah A Pregnancy was the most miserable thing that happened to me. It was absolutely harder than taking care of baby. I never want to be pregnant again. Babies, however, I take care of them any chance I get. Just because your experiences were one way does not negate other women's experiences.
10
I clicked on this title because I thought it would make me mad, but the author makes some really great points. My mother, who had several miscarriages as well as four successful pregnancies, always said "You're not really pregnant until your fourth month." I took that to heart, not only in my communications strategy, but also in my own heart. I think maybe my own early miscarriages were a little easier to bear as a result. But if women are hiding their pregnancies because they have a legitimate fear of discrimination -- and the article persuaded me on this point -- then more power to you, Betsy, for bucking the trend. I wish you luck.
14
We live in a society of oversharing via social media. Everyone has their own reasons for sharing now or sharing later, or maybe not sharing at all. A friend of mine recently became pregnant and waited until the second trimester to tell even close friends. She said it was like a meditation - she was able to observe, process, and contemplate the changes to her body and mind without others telling her how she should feel, behave, etc.
36
I had guys hitting on me when I was 8 months pregnant. I thought it was hilarious and felt rather flattered. There is absolutely no reason for a woman to hide her pregnancy but there is every reason to try to look your best, to be healthy and active, and to remember that being pregnant does not make you any less of a person, a professional, or an achiever. You are more important than the fetus in your uterus.
7
As the author, I just want to point out that the "Against the tyranny of the secret first trimester" phrasing is not mine -- it was the language used by the NY Times editorial board -- nor how I would choose to frame up the article. I agree with many of you, as I said, that "Like many other decisions women make about their bodies, when and whether to go public with a pregnancy should be a choice, not simply determined by social convention." I choose to go public. I equally respect those who, for many of the reasons in these comments, choose not to.
83
@Betsy Cooper glad you wrote this. Everyone should do what makes them comfortable. I do understand why people wait- I’ve heard people say terribly insensitive things after someone’s miscarriage or when discussing infertility. But I bet people would shape up if most people shared more.
8
Ms. Cooper,
Thank you from those of us who have complained about the unfortunate/inappropriate wording of certain NYT headlines. It's been an ongoing problem, which the Times has thus far not addressed.
25
@Betsy Cooper - Thanks, one more Times writer who reads the comments. I often feel compelled to point out that the Headline and subhead are not written by the author. Very often both are seriously misleading, and quite often the author gets blamed for something she or he never would have written.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
6
Also not discussed in this article is the potential of poor diagnosis and deciding what to do. How awkward to tell people you terminated a pregnancy because you had markers for a chromosomal defect or something along those lines after you announced the pregnancy to the world. Perhaps the only thing more difficult than sharing about a pregnancy or miscarriage would be sharing about a chosen termination. Maybe the author thinks we should be more open about that too... I could be wrong but was not Roe V Wade won in part because of a woman's right to privacy?
34
yes. we should be more open about termination. Abortion is healthcare and it happens so frequently- what should be talked more about is the ways in which pregnancies take a bad turn, and often it's a total surprise. more education can mean less stigma.
10
@JM
I'm guessing a purposeful subtext of the article was that the more we know about the likelihood of miscarriage, the less likely we will be to--for example--stigmatize and even prosecute women for miscarriages, which ever-vigilant anti-choice crusaders seem to suspect are always crypto-abortions, as well as for abortions due to chromosomal and other defects. Of course I hope the author is able to bring a healthy pregnancy to term, but I'm sure her decision to be so public so early is to reveal to readers that miscarriages and pregnancies with poor prognoses are occurring all around us. The social convention to keep the first trimester hidden (to reduce sorrow among would-be parents and their loved ones) has the harmful side effect of rendering every miscarriage "suspicious" to some people.
6
@JD I frankly think it’s TMI. “Unfortunately, we lost the baby” is all anyone needs to know. And the only correct response is “I am so sorry for your loss, and I am here for you if you need me.”
I have been far more curious about friends’ divorces, but the only correct response to that news is similar, “I realize this must be a tough time, and I’m here if you need me.”
Privacy is precious.
80
Who cares? and do you care about climate change or living green (not polluting) the planet.
Back in the Dark Ages of the 1960s when- the birth control pill had just emerged and men forgot how to use condoms - we worried about how many people the planet could support as did Malthus at the end of the 18th century-- until then the population of the world had been relatively stable... In 1968 there were about 3.6 billion people on the planet. Now we are heading towards 8 billion and supposedly 10 billion are now considered to be capacity...
It is irrational to not consider that global warming is influenced by population numbers... as is the plastic in the ocean, e.g. and the destruction of rain forests everywhere.
But we are supposed to cheer when someone gets pregnant?
It is not virtuous to reproduce in quantity these days: possibly more virtuous not to reproduce at all and ADOPT one of the many unwanted children possibly of a different skin color or religion. That was something we thought about and some of us truly virtuous ones did back in the dark ages.
I am more interested in the diaper situation? Will you recycle -- aka wash -- cloth or will you contribute to the landfill with something that won't disintegrate for decades if not longer.
(Not sure that a green burial can make up for our abuse of Mother Earth.)
15
Don't forget that we need to start encouraging planned and we intentional end of life planning. Do you know when it is time to stop being a burden/when you become a waste producer whose value can't be justified? I know my red lines. We are not a species to be exemplified. We care more about perceptions and emotions than facts and cause/effect. Our emotional attachments drive us, but are useless against larger than one and longer than 1 year issues. Happy to see us hit the wall of our lies to our selves. Like icurus, humans have burned to bright. I wish more articles delveded into whether or not our instincts, and passion to follow them willingly makes us villains more than virtuous. That said, the perspective of this article is rather level headed and non offensive. Enjoy your child, for what it's worth
2
@John Days Well, most people who are about to die are old enough not to produce any more children than they already had. Whereas people who plan to have children burden the earth with umpteen descendants. I had no kids so I did enough for the earth without planning to exit a year or so early. Which really has little effect on the earth.
3
Oh Betsy— I really hope you read this. I’m disheartened that the most-read comments are from angry internet scolds. It was that same cadre of women who made my pregnancies so, so difficult with their tut-tutting. Stay OFF the internet and follow your gut!
I also had two early miscarriages and had to tell everyone. The hardest part was feeling like I had let them down. But I don’t regret it. I got lots of support.
35
I'm surprised this is even an issue...over-sharing, under-sharing...really? Tell if you want. It's exciting. Don't tell if it makes you uncomfortable. What's the big deal?
If people are going to go around passing judgement on such an insignificant (obviously not on a personal level) decision, they have too much time on their hands. Get a life.
28
I kept mine secret because I didn’t want my boss to start finding fault, even nonexistent fault, with my performance. I kept mine secret because I was bleeding and thought I might have a miscarriage. More women should just let nature, i.e. a pregnant belly, do the “announcement”. The ego of some these days. You’re pregnant. Not a big deal in the scheme of things.
22
Yet another women telling other women how they should or shouldn’t feel, how they should or shouldn't behave, what they should and should believe. Please give it a rest. It’s bad enough that men do this.
33
@maxmost I don't think that's what she is doing. She is addressing a common trend (of waiting until first 12 weeks of pregnancy) and saying that it might not always be a good idea. I agree that this piece is part of a trend toward social commentary that is not weighty enough to be an article in the Times, which is increasingly lightweight and personal. But it's interesting to read the comments- valid points about a birth defect leading parents to terminate a pregnancy, the need for support in early pregnancy, the impulse to express the joy (or sorrow) to your community.
6
@Sara Fasy
Sara, I overall agree with your point, but I disagree with your claim that this article is evidence that the NYTimes is moving toward fluffy, lightweight pieces. Part of the reason for the stigma against women's issues (which is often what people mean when they say "lightweight news") is that they involve women--as if wars, foreign policy, bombs being dropped on Iran, etc. are "real news" whereas workplace policies, women hiding pregnancies (often to avoid being fired), sexism, etc. are "fluff." I'm sure this wasn't your intent, but the devaluing of things that women are interested in, for example, has led to entire fields of work to be financially devalued because they are associated with women. English degrees, editing, caretaking, etc. (Even things like baby naming--once a name gets associated with girls, it loses its value for boys. A male friend is continually upset that Taylor has become a girl's name, because he has lost his value as a man and must constantly prove himself to be a real man--not a joke.) In short, the classification of stories into "heavyweight" and "lightweight" is not as simple as it seems.
@Photogirl sorry, but no. If the NYT were serious about reporting on women’s issues it wouldn’t be through a fluff piece like this. The fact that you think THIS suffices as serious just shows how low expectations are on what is valuable reporting on issues of discrimination, stigmatization, and workplace inequality.
Okay, Times, this piece belongs in the It's Personal section of Huff Post. Seriously, look at the headlines, and you will see that even the headline is in sync with those articles.
I just expect better from the Times, but we are seeing this sort of tell-all more and more lately.
(Good luck to Betsy Cooper in her pregnancy! I happened to be a tell-everyone-as-soon-as--I-knew sort of person, too.)
42
Really, NYT? Women choose to wait or not depending on their own circumstances. This author is welcome to choose to tell her happy news. Others want to wait. And...??
22
Everyone has an opinion. Yours is valid for you. What do you think your colleagues at work should do with the news that you're pregnant and you're not 21? Why do you think it's not a woman's personal choice to keep a miscarriage or abortion private? You have no sense of the great condescension you show in believing your yawp is somehow freeing other women who have been deciding what to do about revealing their pregnancies since, oh well, there have been women.
23
Could just wait until birth to leave them guessing...
2
Sure why not? Today, every meal and bowel movement is documented, so why not pregnancy from the moment of conception. Why not include the conception? I'm sure there are sites that can accommodate that as well. Nothing is sacred anymore anyway.
Privacy doesn't exist, and even if it did we'd their it away anyway. Good for you. Don't be ashamed. Shame is so 1990 anyway. Be a proud cog in Zuckerberg's wheel. Make your fetus one too. What the heck. Nothing matters anymore anyway.
22
Kudos
2
So many thoughts. See all the recrimination here? There are reasons for it, some more sympathetic than others.
The first and most obvious is sexual shame. Second trimester pregnancies are glowing, ripening, maternal things. First trimester pregnancies still smell a little like... s*x. People will look for ANY reason to make it not okay to talk about them if they are unfortunate to walk around with sexual shame.
The second is unresolved grief. I myself have had multiple early miscarriages. When friends announced pregnancies I was happy for them. When they announced them at 6 weeks, it burned. It hurt. It was too much to think that a) they might traipse through the early weeks unmolested by tragedy, unlike me, or b) even worse, I might have to watch them also cope with grief while sorting my own out. It took years and two successful pregnancies before I could look at others "double line" announcements and not feel the bottom drop out of my stomach.
All of which to say, by all means, yes. If it suits you, celebrate your 6 week pregnancy. If it suits you, celebrate getting your period on time -- I'd like to see more announcements along those lines, too, just to normalize the whole spectrum of uterine functions. Celebrate menopause. Celebrate good births, hard births, bad births. We talk about our morning coffee more than we talk about pregnancy, periods, and births, and it's time for that to change. Even if it does smell faintly like s*x.
18
@LA
During one of my pregnancies, I took a very long time to announce it. In fact, I left the job before I did.
Right around the same time I discovered that I was pregnant, the company VP of Sales announced that she was pregnant, and fairly far along. This was hugely joyous news, company-wide, considering that she battled infertility and had multiple early miscarriages.
Given that I got pregnant much like blowing out a candle, I felt like I didn't want to steal her thunder. I wanted her to enjoy every moment of the joy she felt.
4
I live in a world that's on fire. I am a citizen of a a country that's separated children from their parents. I reside a state where tens of thousands of people have no safe, permanent housing.
You're pregnant. I wish you and your family all the best--but there's work to be done. I would suggest we spend reader time we have focusing on the bigger picture. I don't need to know the details of why and when and how you choose to share this news with the world.
Let's keep our eyes on the prize.
55
All I can think of is my first pregnancy, when I literally went through my address book and called every single person I knew the day I got my test result. Such was my naive joy. A miscarriage seven weeks later devastated me, as did the belated congratulations that kept coming in for weeks after that. Be careful.
58
Yes, my sentiments exactly. It’s a wonderful time, full of joy and hope. But it doesn’t always turn out the way it is scripted.
If you can, let it be shared only with those you are closest with. In the unlikely event that something goes wrong, they will be a source of strength for you.
Above all, my best wishes.
14
Michelle Obama courageously shared what she learned is the Catch 22 of miscarriage. When she suffered a lost pregnancy, she did not know how or if she should talk about it because, well, people didn’t talk about it. And finding no room for dialogue makes a painful experience even more isolating.
Such a personal and emotional disclosure may not be the right thing for everyone. But it is commendable that Mrs. Obama, with so many who admire and respect her, used her clout to let others know that they are not alone.
46
Yes, and Mrs. Obama successfully hid until her husband was out of office the revelation that her children were born due to IVF. Nice to be able to look reporters in the eye and lie. (although of course maybe the reporters knew and lied to the rest of us. )
Many good wishes for your health and your family, however things go for you!
Many people are quiet about fertility issues not only because of personal concerns but because of concern for others. Awareness of my brother- and sister - in-laws struggles with fertility kept me and my husband quiet for many months . Not because there was any stigma or need for secrecy, but just because - all going well, the good news would still be good a few months hence, and we were fine offering quiet sympathy but otherwise staying away from baby business in family settings while we were aware of their struggles in the background. Yes, miscarriages (so common!) deserve sympathy but among most family and friends that will come even if no one knew about a pregnancy.
You have every right to say whatever , whenever, of course. I’m with many who enjoyed the more private path (and wanted my work evaluation for that year to just reflect on work effort and results, with no considerations of morning sickness or upcoming maternity leave, thank you. I made it easily to around 24 weeks. It was a worthwhile bit of obfuscation .)
The bittersweet joys and sacrifices of parenthood - we yearn for them, are sometimes redefined by them, and can never foretell. It’s a last perk of being not “with child” if we choose ourselves when we want to start sharing the story, in those few months when we get to choose.
13
I felt much like this author in my first two pregnancies. I am a deeply honest person and pretending I wasn't drinking because of a fake reason or concealing things just was not in my nature. Besides, I would not choose to have an abortion no matter the prenatal test results. And I figured if I did receive a bad news or suffer miscarriage, I would want the support of loved ones. Then my third pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I felt foolish that I told people at 6 weeks. I told people whom I was not even close to, who were not there to support me emotionally, and it just made things feel awkward. The day after I found out I pregnant a 4th time my boss pulled me into her office and floated the idea of a possible career change and promotion. This time I am keeping silent, although I am feeling very large at 8 weeks and having trouble concealing it. I know my boss cannot legally ask if I am pregnant, so I intend to keep it quiet until I have figured out how I will manage my request for family leave and balance this with the potential promotion. Last time I revealed my pregnancy at work I was immediately pressured to decide my family leave dates, and I wasn't ready. All this is to say that while women who want to should absolutely feel empowered to share, many of us do have reasons for privacy. I agree we should not keep silent only for the sake of social convention, but each person needs to decide what is right for her, and that can vary with circumstances and each pregnancy.
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@JD If you tell your boss and you don’t get the promotion, you should sue.
2
As I get older, I appreciate more and more why people don’t share. Having said that when I got pregnant, I was blindsided by debilitating morning sickness. I always felt if more people were open about their pregnancy in the first trimester, I and other women like me would have been more prepared.
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@Maya
And then there are the people who have "morning" sickness all day... and it lasts for 7 months.
It's nice that Ms Cooper is excited about her pregnancy and wanting to remove certain stigmas related to pregnant women especially in the workforce.
However, this article is not sensitive to those who have experienced pregnancy loss, especially in the first trimester. I have had miscarriages in the early second trimester and both were devastating. With my first pregnancy, I told large circles of friends, family members and co-workers because it felt "safe" to do so. And it was extremely painful mourning my loss and even more painful telling people about it, especially those I wasn't that close to.
My second loss, I chose to keep my pregnancy to myself, telling only close family and friends. And while, sadly my pregnancy did not work out, it was easier to recover with private support.
I wish this author was more sensitive in her thoughts and considered that pregnancy loss, the possibility of loss or those who have experienced miscarriages as part of their pregnancy journey could be a a reason for being more private, especially in the first trimester.
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Why should the world be interested in Ms. Cooper's pregnancy?
In the old, more civilised times, women "went into confinement" since the pregnancy became visible. If nowadays they want to be around until the hour of delivery, so be it. It is all human nature.
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@Twuv Xyz “more civilised times” “confinement”? Oh, please.
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@Tuvw Xyz
Really? Shall we return to confinement, like Queen Victoria? like Scarlett O'Hara? like poor Queen Mary I in England with her 2 phantom pregnancies?
As most mothers in the US work outside the home for corporations that frown on more than 6 weeks maternal leave, how is "confinement" going to work? most companies won't let women have time off before a birth AND more time off afterwards. And consider the poor shiftworker: I've read that women shiftworkers plagued with fierce nausea and who cannot cope lose shifts, often eventually losing their jobs.
Confinement, indeed.
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@Tuvw Xyz Seems there must me some middle ground between shouting announcements from rooftops a few weeks in and banishing a pregnant woman from society for most of the weeks. More civilised times, indeed. Not hardly.
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Why does anyone care if a woman is pregnant, except she and her husband or partner if she has one? Her pregnancy is not all-absorbing to everyone.
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@Frances Grimble Maybe because we were all babies once and had a mother, and may have some curiosity about her experience. The most creative act possible is to create another human. Art and literature (and history) agree.
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@Frances Grimble Um, because she may have work responsibilities that will be impacted by her parental leave? Not to mention other family and community responsibilities. Because women don’t live in isolation? And by the way, women can have pregnancies without husbands.
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@LJ My point is, why should most other people, who are not impacted, have any interest in someone else's pregnancy? Just because we all had the experience of being babies does not mean we all should care.
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There’s no tyranny, no socially imposed silence. If it’s a convention, it is merely so because many people do wait to tell (or never say anything at all) for any number of reasons, some of which the author identifies. Not least of all that it’s a private matter, and as such, people keep it private. If women feel there may be untoward consequences for being pregnant, that’s a separate issue.
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I think it's a very personal choice, and I wish you well. I too, told everyone by the time I was about 8 weeks pregnant, only to have a miscarriage two days before Christmas at 10 weeks. My husband, an OB/GYN, turned white when he saw the ultrasound, and nearly fainted. For me, the only thing worse than losing the pregnancy was having to tell friends and family members about it over and over. Yes, I was able to comfort some friends who later had a miscarriage, and my husband counsels patients based on firsthand experience, but I wish I had not spoken up so soon.
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It's not tyranny, it's experience. And it's not a secret, as much as it is choosing with whom you share information.
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Women who have suffered first trimester miscarriages understand not wanting to tell too many people. Especially when you are older and the loss or losses might mean it’s never going to happen. The grief is real and the process is a lonely one, even with the support of loved ones.
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I just do not understand why one should announce the pregnancy or not, reveal the gender or not or whatever. These are personal choices. Some jobs that require heavy lifting or radiation exposure may make it unavoidable for a woman to inform her supervisor. Other than that, it is nobody's business. announce if you want to or do not announce. Do whatever suits you and the father to be. Some people have a church wedding, some marry at the city office, some elope. You do not have to do what otehrs do in such personal matters. Good luck. Enjoy.
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I used to feel the same way as the author. I used to think I would “be grateful for the support of others who came before me.” That was until I had 1 miscarriage, 2 unsuccessful IVF retrievals and then another miscarriage. When you tell the world, you may be grateful to have the support of others but you also open yourself up to tons and tons and tons of really bad, uniformed and unsolicited pregnancy and fertility “advice” and “encouragement,” things like “just take vitamin D supplements and you’ll get pregnant right away” or “my cousin’s best friend’s sister just had twins after 2 years of IVF” or “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen” (these were all things shared with me).
I applaud the author’s courage and positivity, but I doubt she will feel the same way if the pregnancy doesn’t isn’t successful (I hope it is) and the floodgates of “helpful” suggestions open wide. Fingers crossed that is not her experience.
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What tyranny? When a woman chooses to announce her pregnancy is her personal choice alone influenced by her unique situation, culture and experiences. Personally, I waited until the first trimester because I wanted all the tests to come back ok that were important to me and get out of the high risk period. However, you will find once you become a mom that the question works itself out b/c you pretty much start looking pregnant the minute you get pregnant with #2 and beyond!!!
21
The problems are always in the secrets. Good luck on your new journey.
4
These things are fads that come and go. Great, now NOT telling will be frowned on.
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It is a delicate balance between protecting one’s own privacy and fighting things which are unfairly stigmatized.
A friend of mine recently suffered a miscarriage. It was deeply devastating to her, and it pained her to relate having lost a child she had awaited for so long. She confided only in immediate family and close friends. Yet the consolation she found in this sad time was hearing about others who had gone through the same thing. The shared bereavement at least made her feel less isolated and confirmed that she had not done something wrong to bring this on.
So while no one is obligated to disclose a painful experience, doing so just might make that experience a little less painful for someone else.
16
Wow, where did this come from?
People reveal details about their personal lives in their own good time. I wouldn't be comfortable being pregnancy-outed because the new paradigm says I need to share early or risk being labeled too mid-century.
You do what you want. I beg you to be judicious with your Instagram bump photos, however. There are only so many hours in the day; and you're not the only one posting.
(Good luck, btw. I'm not mad at you or anything. I was just surprised by the topic. I hadn't realized there was a problem. I love babies. It sounds like you will, too.)
22
I love this essay so much!!! Many thanks for publishing and writing. As an older woman I remember the painful months of not telling anyone I was pregnant once (ultimately giving birth to my incredible daughter), then the fifth-month miscarriage after I had told everyone, also the miscarriage and also the abortion before the third month about which I told no one. These physical and emotional aspects of reproduction should more easily be made public, and accorded less shame than I experienced as a fairly isolated young woman.
30
I chose not share the news till 5 months each time (second time around people were guessing, however). I am an extremely private person and therefore place utmost importance on sharing what I feel comfortable with when I deem it appropriate. I don’t think my pregnancy is anyone else’s business. People also tend to give severely unwanted advice and ask personal questions (how much weight have you gained?). Not to mention despite how far women have come over the last few decades, I really feel that pregnancy is still seen as the “ultimate goal and fulfillment” for a woman. It maybe true for some and that’s great, but I find it offensive to measure a woman’s worth based on how many kids she’s had. So yes, to each their own, but please remember if you see a pregnant woman there is a person separate from the pregnancy that probably does not want your advice or opinion.
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Have you experienced the thing where people you barely know want to touch your stomach?
9
Yes! I didn’t even want people I know touching me! Let alone a stranger. Yuck! Made me feel like an incubator (personally).
9
Some women don’t want to share because they want to maintain their privacy as long as possible. Openly pregnant women are considered fair game for all kinds of inappropriate comments and questions. In a work setting, it really is too much. I waited until I was nearly 7 months pregnant to tell people at work. With strategically placed scarves and flowy dresses it wasn’t too difficult and it was also a valid reason to avoid excessive weight gain. Societally, we need to give pregnant women their privacy. The way pregnant women are treated in the US is appalling and it continues after giving birth.
155
Agreed.
3
@Stephanie
What I want to know is what sorts of remarks, and how intrusive?
When did this start?
And here comes the radioactive question: are women doing this to other women?
@Sonja Sadly, it comes from everywhere. Doesn't matter the gender, age, cultural background, people will feel the need to comment on your pregnancy, even if they don't know you. It really is exhausting.
1
Working in the Veterinary industry around anesthetics and x-ray beams, I have known a number of women who have ended up sharing before the magical 3 month mark, including myself. I have also known people who lost pregnancies after the magical 3 month mark and supported them through their heartbreak. I think that the timing for sharing a pregnancy is a very personal decision, but have felt for some time that the pressure to stay silent does deny many women much needed support through joy, illness and agony. I applaud your opening a conversation on this topic. Perhaps we can move a little closer to allowing those women who would like to share and would benefit from sharing to do so with less judgement. I wish you love and joy in your journey ahead.
18
"A group of women with whom I can share my fears, get advice, manage expectations?" Well, you have hit the jackpot. In a big way. Everybody from the Malay Peninsula to Kansas City knows you're pregnant. And, that's really quite an accomplishment.
Thirty-something...clock is ticking...and one hasn't reached their zenith - their raison d'etre - a breeder.
Women used to get pregnant - didn't have much choice in the matter - but it happened. Then what? Changing diapers, slinging hash, Mop 'n Glo on the linoleum tile, putting up with a master plumber who might go out and take a snifter or two with his buddies on Friday night. (Could be trouble.)
The unnamed secret club. The gin and tonic instead of a real drink. Clever. Hidden first trimester. Sounds a little bit like Agatha Christie on a mysterious voyage down the Nile...
5
If you ever experienced a miscarriage you would understand why. Many woman want to temper their excitement because the loss is painful.
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@Joan I disagree, everyone handels this differently. I had a misscarriage a few month ago and am (thankfully) pregnant again. It is of course incredibly early and I haven't told anyone yet. However, based on feeling very isolated the ifrst time arounf, I'm actually considering telling people (read close family and friends) earlier this time around. I agree this is not for everyone, just do what you think is right for you.
Whether or not I will tell my family and friends early, I will definitely tell my boss early as I do work ridiculous hours (70-80/week). That said I live in a country where pregnant employees cannot be fired unless the employer faces bankruptcy.
5
@Joan Precisely! My own was very early, and not a surprise but still pretty damn miserable. The one mitigating factor to my and my husband’s distress was that since no one knew, I didnt have to endure a lot of condolences. Not that I am secretive nor am I anti-sympathy - just that I prefer to mourn in private. I was grateful that I didnt have to worry about a face popping over the cubicle wall mouthing “so sorry” in the rare moments I had been able to forget my sorrow.
3
The amount of opinions other people have about how to do pregnancy (and then parenthood) the "right" way is exhausting. It's almost like every pregnancy and every person is different, and the way you do things isn't the one universal right way for everyone.
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I don't think the issue is so much stigma around miscarriages as it is about the fact that many couples are deeply emotionally affected and grieving after a miscarriage, so may not have the emotional bandwidth to keep discussing it over and over with every random neighbor, coworker, or casual acquaintance whom they had previously told about the pregnancy.
569
@--Respectfully THIS. I had two miscarriages, and they were absolutely devastating. The only thing that would've made the situation worse would've been having to discuss it with people over and over again.
68
So true. If I could, I would recommend this 10 times.
24
@MF
I had three miscarriages interspersed between four deliveries--all now grown. I was never “devastated” about them. I figured there was a problem with these embryos and I was fortunate that my body expelled them. I will concede that I had my first three children in my twenties when fertility is usually not an issue. The whole issue is different when you wait until fertility issues can become very real I suppose.
3
Having suffered through pregnancy losses and subsequent difficulty conceiving before my successful pregnancy, I feel compelled to comment. When pregnancy doesn't go well or ends in miscarriage or stillbirth, support from people who understand is tremendously important. We were fortunate to benefit from a local miscarriage and newborn loss support group and found it invaluable. I applaud your personal openness and the recognition you give to the importance of human support during a difficult time, a time with personal and professional impacts. Best wishes to you.
34
That is great that you are confident enough to do so. Please recognize you are privileged. My friend had eight miscarriages. Eight. Then a stillbirth. Do you think she should have announced her next (successful) pregnancy in the first trimester? We struggled to conceive and had an early loss, then a difficult twin pregnancy that we did not know would last. No way I was saying anything.
Yes, your piece recognizes that women don't tell for various reasons. But the tone throughout is hectoring and preachy, as if women are somehow misperceiving the risk of telling. We're not.
624
@Brynn Couldn't agree more. I had two back-to-back miscarriages, and it was the most devastating, difficult thing I've ever been through. I'm SO glad that I had the opportunity to process my grief privately.
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@Brynn
Same here. For us, it would have been a luxury to announce so early ... 3 miscarriages. Good for this woman. Many of us can’t or won’t based in our bodies.
41
@Brynn I agree. I had multiple miscarriages, and it was torture. With my first pregnancy I was on bedrest for over six months. I have two healthy adult kids and I am grateful every day, but they did not get here without difficulty. I stopped advertising my pregnancies, once I understood that birth was not a foregone conclusion. I stopped worrying, only when they were born.
44
Not sharing is a social convention? Not to us. How about simply a couple choosing not to burden their family and friends with the anguish of a possible miscarriage? Dealing with it themselves if they are strong enough. If not, then share.
41
Now you've done it, you mentioned the alcohol thing. The comments will be full of back and forth on it, dueling studies and mom guilt.
But you're right, the alcohol police (and the coffee police) are one reason we are all tempted to quiet. Nothing like having a hostess screech at you from halfway across the house in front of two dozen people at a Thanksgiving potluck dinner, "Hey, Di, you can't eat the cake Mark brought, it has rum in it!"
Um, thanks mommy!
8
I believe this message is very important. It is not that every woman needs to share the news of an early pregnancy. But, if more did it would help others deal with the high rate of miscarriages. Women should not have to deal with the loss of a pregnancy alone: Unless they want to. Thank you for breaking down a barrier.
25
With so many first pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it’s understandable that most women prefer to wait until the first trimester ends to disclose a pregnancy. While it would be wonderful to disclose such news at work and have a vast support system materialize, the reality of most workplaces is that disclosing a pregnancy triggers questions women may not be prepared to answer, and many unwelcome, intrusive questions that distract from her professional capabilities. As an executive coach with more than 15 years coaching this issue, I strongly advise women to bide their time, build a robust plan for managing the transition to and from maternity leave, and to consider all options germane to a negotiation about said leave. Only when they have their game plan in place, and it’s clear the pregnancy will likely continue do I encourage them to start selectively sharing the news. Timing of promotions and bonuses should also be factored into the plan. Until our country, and all it’s private and public institutions embraces women as equal contributors, the best approach is a strategic one.
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@Bird This is all totally true. However, I have an extremely demanding career - travel, long hours, 'always on' expectations. If I experience the normal symptoms of early pregnancy, like fatigue and nausea, I would not be able to perform at my typical level.
I've decided that I would need to tell my boss - probably before telling my own family - so he/she knows why I cannot work at the same pace and need to adjust my schedule for that period of time.
I am fortunate to have a high-trust relationship with my company. We have many women in positions of leadership - some of whom I have seen get promoted to senior roles while pregnant or with small children. It's one of the big things that keeps me at this insanely demanding job....
I guess what I'm saying is, it's different for every woman!
3
@Bird - It's nice that you can make a living coaching executive women, but I'm sure you are aware that 1) most pregnant women get only minimal leave, and that unpaid 2) have no expectation of promotions and 3) never get bonuses. You are serving a tiny niche of the pregnant population.
1
@Bird Thanks for your note. I understand the risks in disclosing are higher for those in executive positions or competitive jobs. Because I run my own initiative at the Aspen Institute, I face less pressure in that sense (though more pressure in another because I am the only one running a small program and there is no obvious maternity cover available).
I also understand why it's smarter to play the game according to the current rules if you want to benefit your career at many workplaces.
It sounds like we both hope that someday the rules will change such that women will not be disadvantaged at work by a very natural process that most workers at some point contribute to. (After all, most bosses become parents too.)
1
Why is over-sharing the new norm?
337
@JJ why is under-sharing the old norm?
21
@JJ Why do you feel this is "over-sharing". She is pregnant and wants to tell others. You act as if she is describing her last bowel movement.
32
@Tammy Zelten Why would that be worse? I have an equal level of interest in both, to be honest.
3
I wish you well, and thank you for sharing your story.
18
As the saying goes, "you do you." I'm not sure why you care so deeply that not everyone immediately announces a pregnancy. They do it for their own reasons, and if all goes well, will announce it in their own time.
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