I also have no place to go for the holidays. I am a 69 year old divorced man, my ex-wife, my only child (daughter) and sister do not contact me. My 6 cousins live in other states and all my other relatives are dead.
11
We are having an orphan Xmas inviting in various waifs and strays from around the world. Since I am in Barcelona, I cannot invite any of you, but you will be in our thoughts when we raise a glass to those alone, those lonely and those bereft. I hope that those of alone receive a last minute invitation and get to enjoy community and the love and friendship you deserve! xx
13
Yes, I am crying at my desk. I relate all too well.
This is my second Christmas as a divorced woman. I'm in my mid-20s. It's nice to have parents, friends, etc around. But sometimes I just want my husband. I'm spending New Years alone.
9
Trolls who mock the lonely behind the veil of internet anonymity are INSECURE, IMPOTENT COWARDS. You know who you are. Simple as that.
43
This hit me very hard. I know the feeling of losing most of my family and friends. Having internet "friends" is not a replacement. The fact that she was abused by strangers on Craigslist is not surprising. It's what the crazies do. I am so glad that she did find people to be with.
225
I'm glad that this story has a happy ending. Yes, there are so many who are alone after a lifetime of family and friends. This is one reason why we're working on teaching people that they can have home-mates. https://www.sharinghousing.com. Banding together to share housing brings with it companionship and someone aware of you. Invisibility is also one of the issues of growing older.
8
Can you imagine the contemptuousness of these trolls who accuse this woman of fraud, etc? I'm appalled to see this, and can only wonder how insecure these sub-humans must be to take out their frustrations and anger on an older lady who would like some company. Everything is not a fraud. Everything is not a conspiracy. Internet anonymity won't protect you from yourselves. Sub-humans like you, trolls, are a large part of the problem, not the solution.
14
These stories come and go over the years, yet I never see a single one about the very many people who are fine without a "family" and/or celebrating Christmas. Plenty more folks simply dislike the holidays due to them being nothing more than a two months-long interruption of work and hobbies, and a huge inconvenience for the sake of "stimulating the economy". At least in Australia they get to have this nonsense during the summer.
11
I lost my entire family at a relatively early age and know how miserable the holidays can make one feel. I have learned to reach out and now have a wonderful group of friends to share this time of year with. Carrie, there is hope, and you have already met some wonderful people through your ad. Focus on them and not the haters. It says everything about them and has nothing to do with you.
162
Such an inspirational story!!
The trust in community has survived
from earlier generations!! just a
small spark of goodness reminds
us of who we really are! Good to
know that it was re-ignited in the very
heart of the country....
4
I actually have been thinking about this very thing for awhile. Based on a model like big brothers and sisters, wouldn’t it be great to have a service that connects people of grandparents age with kids and families for activities and time spent together. For people that are too old to foster or adopt, but really have a lot to offer a child, it would fill a void. And for the child and family that may not have any local relatives, this would bring balance into their lives. It seems it would be an enriching experience for all. I don’t know why a service like this hasn’t been done yet.
14
My mother would been one of those "lonely grandmas".
For every "lonely grandma" who has no one around them because of Karma's cruel fate, they are people like my mother who was a vicious, nasty, self centered brat through their 20s to 60s.
So yeah. I'm wasn't firing up the Christmas Cheer Train to be with a mother who had all the nurturing skills of a reptile. I wasn't the kid she wanted (she wanted a boy), and she wasn't the mother I needed. Her self centeredness was with her until the day she died.
Sometimes, just sometimes, that person who is "all alone and unwanted" had a huge hand in alienating those around them. They also talk a good game about "how awful" their children are.
Remember, you are hearing the one half of a sanitized story.
36
It IS a lonely day. There are of course Christmas services on the day - that can help. Otherwise at 76 with no family I just accept it as another day....friends are mostly couples or have bigger friends or family to celebrate with. So it's stay home, alone. Usual food etc.
Not dreary though.
My volunteering saves me all year....altho not needed on THE day I'm in the midst of planning assorted activities, a kinda New Year show and Valentine's Day isn't that far off! Those will bring me the reward of making people laugh, and making me feel good for giving.
Not boasting, but it IS a simple fact that volunteering has huge rewards every day....and can open new world's and bring new friends that will stave off the glooms when alone on special days.
Courage, mon brave. And Happy Christmas to one and all.
15
Such a sad story. Makes me thing how loneliness has truly become one more globalized trait of mankind. Here in Madrid I belong to Grandes Amigos (english translation would be Great Friends), which is an NGO that brings together voluntaries with elders in need of company.
I can’t express in words how enriching this experience is, at least for me as a voluntary. I accompany on a weekly basis an elder living in an assisted facility, and I can´t express in words how much I’ve learned, not only from her, but also from myself. Intergenerational relations are truly enlightening, there is so much to learn from the experience of those members of our society that have gone through most of their journey in life.
Congrats to the Times for bringing this story to the front.
12
This is an excellent Article. The issues of seniors who are lonely AND the issue is Elder Abuse are each serious. I found the Elder Abuse issue buried in this article. I feel it if important enough to warrant its own article.
131
For those who always have a place to go on the holidays, it’s hard to understand this woman’s pain. Yet, as a single mom with a teen, living in a city where I have no family, I, too, have to fight loneliness and isolation. My daughter’s father is dead and there are no grandparents. I so wish my daughter had a doting grandma or grandfather.
I consider myself strong and resilient. On many, many holidays I hosted gatherings for a smattering of friends, but gosh would I jump at an invite somewhere. In 35 years, I can only think of three times a Xmas invite was extended to me. More disheartening are the times people, whom I entertained in my home, would ask, “What are you doing Xmas?” When I responded “Nothing,” they would proceed to detail the family gathering they’re hosting never thinking to extend an invite.
My point: Loneliness and isolation are not age-related and we all know a woman like the one in this article. You just need to look around you. She’s the receptionist in your office. Your neighbor three doors down. The mom in your spin class. Forget the plate of cookies and gift basket. The gift she’ll remember for years to come is the place you set for her at your holiday table.
34
Is this woman part of a church community? That might help her make meaningful connections
5
Single-check. Caretaker-check, childless-check. Lonely-No. Why? Well Meetup’s for one. Anything you want to do, hiking, painting, bowling, art classes, biking, cooking with other like minded people is available. And it’s free. I have found my best friends through this valuable venue. There’s simply no time to get lonely.
17
It’s interesting to me that some people immediately assume the worst with this grandma... and others immediately assume the best. Why is that?! It’s not just life experiences – my reaction was the opposite of what my life experiences would have dictated.
4
There may be reasons why her daughter has chosen to go no-contact. The public plea may have been an attempt to shame the daughter into allowing her boundaries to be violated. That would be par for the course if the lonely lady is a narcissist. People generally pity those who present themselves as vulnerable, but that can be used ruthlessly by those with a penchant for manipulation. Just sayin' those tugs at your heartstrings may have been completely orchestrated.
21
I just volunteered to House Elizabeth Warren campaign workers in my house. When they called today and asked how long and what I had available, I believe they were stunned when I said that I would take volunteers for the full three months until the Georgia Primary. Then I said I have two bedrooms each with private baths one with a queen Bed and one with twins. I got the feeling from the lady that most people were only donating for a couple of days or a week. I told her that
I had Olympic worker volunteers the entire summer of the Olympics. So I have done this before. Opening up your house when your kids move out make life interesting.
27
Maybe in the spirit of this season, like Scrooge, we should all admit we are part of the family of man, and we all need one another.
6
I agree with the commentators who advise caution in blaming this Grandma for the alienation of the daughter. Maybe it was her fault. Or maybe not at all.
Some have legitimate complaints about abusive parents. But what about unkind, self-absorbed adult children or nasty in-laws?
My mother (the Grandma equivalent) was a lovely and cheerful woman beloved by all of her children. She was so popular that even two of her ex-daughter-in-laws would visit. But then one day one of our brothers married a difficult, self-righteous, very judgmental woman who cut our mother off for no apparent reason and thus putting a strain on our brother’s relationship with his own family.
Interestingly, in a karmic twist, my brother and difficult sister-in-law’s own son cut them off after he got married. But, none of this sad, negative family dynamics was our mother’s (the grandma’s) fault.
It would break my heart to see any unfair presumption of fault on this elderly woman until the full story was told.
19
@Swing State Voter She is not an elderly woman; she's in her 50s. The article's concentration on elder issues, while important, fails to emphasize that she represents a cohort of people that are late middle-age.
12
I'm 57 y/o with no partner and no children and a caregiver to my 97 y/o mother. I have no other family except my dog and two cats. I have friends, yes, but it is a difficult time of year. It is through no fault of my own that this is the way it is. I am successful in my profession and engage with others on a regular basis socially a bit, though not as much as I used to, keep active with yoga, creative work and classes and community activism and volunteer work. All that doesn't make up for the loneliness one can feel around this time of year. I know things will change and continue to enjoy my life daily. Our society loves to promote this ideal of what holidays should look like in advertising, social media and movies. Most people fall short of that ideal.
37
I identify with this. I’m 58, unmarried, childless, and Jewish in an almost entirely Christian city.
I’m quite used to being alone on Christmas, but it’s getting harder to be alone day in and out.
I thought that once my friends’ children went to college, I could spend more time with them. But now they just do things with their spouses and other couples, or with their kids and grandkids when they’re back in town. I have reached out many times, but after a while you just stop. It’s hard to invite yourself, and you don’t want to impose on anyone.
I’ve never thought about putting a request on a public forum to join a gathering, so the headline intrigued me. But when I read the article and saw how people treated the woman, it made me very sad. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me or to anyone.
I will likely volunteer on Christmas to help others less fortunate than me. I do that quite a bit. But it can still get very lonely on other days, too. Please remember that we are out there. P.S. I wash dishes!
46
Dear readers...."Grandma" is in her 50s.
She isn't elderly.
She isn't old enough for medicare.
She's Gen X.
You don't have to be elderly to be lonely, isolated, and wish for family.
37
My daughter lives in Japan with her husband and two darling kids. It's tough being away from them.
Sometimes I'm out in my backyard and I hear the neighborhood kids laughing and playing and sometimes it's really tough but I try to be joyful about it.
I see young kids excited about Christmas and I try to open my heart to their joy. It's a daily struggle to find joy.
It takes effort. Joy is felt by effort put forth. For me, it doesn't just come flowing in.
I have to work for it.
Every day, finding joy is my work.
22
Being with family on the Holidays is over-rated. Even folks who have family don’t even like them.
Volunteer at a shelter. Travel internationally. Buy modest presents for kids on a list from Salvation Army. Treat yourself to a fabulous gift or meal. Learn to love being alone.
26
@Melissa
Indeed. I am elderly & have lived alone for almost 3 decades & am comfortable with solitude to a point. If I feel lonely, I do something about it, even if it's just to take a walk & ring a neighbor's doorbell to say hello. Social connection is vital to my life. Until my little dog died a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't realized how much I talked to her. She is greatly missed & definitely helped me from feeling lonely. I will get a puppy in a couple of months, I think. There is nothing that feels better than the welcome one receives from a little dog when walking in the door, or their unconditional love.
22
@RBR So sorry about your doggie! Yes! Get a new dog. Science tells us we live longer and are healthier when we have pets.
6
Oh, please. Some people are grateful to be without the burden of children and perfectly happy being alone, yes, even for the "holidays." Some are not. So let's please leave off with the stereotyping.
11
Let's be kind to one another. You never know what's going on in the minds of others. Smile more often at strangers. Look up from your phone while on the subway and have a conversation with someone new. Society has become so connected technology-wise...but in reality we are becoming more disconnected. No one should feel lonely with so many people in this world. Be open-minded and connect with others and allow others the opportunity connect with you.
14
@Francesca - this link is for the great camaraderie of strangers during the last holiday. This is the best of the best 2019 during a time of stress and strife.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/26/nyregion/thanksgiving-subway-meal-new-york.html
2
With all due respect to the lady in the article, who sounds like a nice person, and keeping in mind that nobody deserves to receive verbal abuse like that...
Sometimes families are estranged for a reason. I know our Christmases, and those of my uncle's family, would have been much more pleasant if we hadn't twisted ourselves into knots trying to appease our narcissistic, miserable grandma.
12
One reason older people are lonely is they can’t work at meaningful jobs due to age discrimination. So they get isolated. Volunteer work and retirement aren’t the same thing as paid work.
Second, please don’t assume that everyone over 50 wants company on holidays. I’m over 70 and welcome the time alone. I work and lead a busy life. I turn down invitations to spend holidays with strangers or even friends. No desire to be with family or substitute family. If someone turns you down, it’s not personal. Respect them.
12
I think part of the problem is that we need to reduce the stigma of being alone. For centuries solitude was a calling that had spiritual connotations. It can be an opportunity for deep reading and study, connecting with nature, perfecting a skill or hobby. Now, the extroverted dominate what are supposedly social "norms" and tell us that if we're alone, we're lonely, because being alone is inherently bad. It's not, but it's hard to fight social norms. The judgements extend from the everyday offensive "Just one?" when you show up at a restaurant alone, to the large scale cultural assumption that something is wrong with you if you're alone (hence this woman Carrie being attacked for no reason). If you're alone, pick up the book called Solitude by Anthony Storr and find peace within. It's truly glorious and oh so wonderfully rebellious against mainstream society's rules, which are mostly written by a bunch of insecure, superficial people.
22
@SL Here, here! And thanks for the book rec.
4
Find Grandma indeed, but how about also find the cruel person who told her to go and kill herself, and expose him to the community? Let his (or her) family, neighbors, employers, etc., know exactly who and what it is that they have among them.
35
Loneliness is real, sure there are con people e everywhere, but thank God for Mr. Carlos who took a chance and reached out to Carrie.
Even if you can’t help or won’t help, PLEASE be kind!
25
As I was growing up, my mother always invited lonely people to our holidays. I remember soldiers and sailors who were far away from their families, foreigners studying in the U.S., etc. I don't recall an older person, but if my mother had seen this, there would have been an immediate invitation. As for those who made nasty remarks, it's an appalling effect of social media.
27
*An anonymous person posting on craigslist, claiming to be a woman. Could be a woman. Could be a man. Could be a Python script.
One of the biggest problems with the internet is that people believe that "Viv in L.A." is who they claim to be, despite zero proof. I could be Randall in Portland, or I could be Lin in Shanghai, or Don in Florida. You don't actually know.
8
I have been thinking a lot about this issue and would like to see foster children who have aged out of the system paired up with the elderly. They could give each other so much. Even better if they are paired with refugee families.
22
I am so sorry for her pain, and so very glad companionship was found. Be careful what you wish for, though—two Decembers ago my husband had a massive stroke that nearly killed him, and his two adult children rushed to the hospital—to threaten legal action if they were not allowed total control of him, and of his estate, and to demand a look at his will. In two years, neither has uttered the words “How are you, Dad?”, let alone “How can I help?” I finally told him that our house belonged to the corporation we worked for, and that the estate they lusted for was 99% imaginary. Haven’t heard from either since. No loss. Family is not always an answer to loneliness.
25
Well, I can certainly relate to this woman's situation. I dread the holidays because of the loneliness that comes over me. I too will be alone this holiday as I was for Thanksgiving and all others. I have siblings, four of them, none reply to the holiday cards I sent and I know I will not be invited to be with any of them and the extended family members. 66 years old and alone. I never thought my senior years would be so lonely and overwhelmingly depressing. If this Grandma was closeby I'd love to be with her for the holiday. I am very grateful however for my Meals on Wheels delivery. I have extra if anyone wants to share in my area.
33
Hello,
I am sociable and live in a building with many older people. I would be happy to invite someone over for a cup of tea and a chat and I have suggested that sometimes. But while the older people talk for a long time with me in the hallway or the lobby, they don't come over often.
I am not sure why. Maybe people like their privacy. So its not always so easy to reach out the older people who may or may not be lonely.
In non-Western countries neighbors are always popping over and loneliness is less of a problem. But in New York, people don't socialize as much with neighbors.
I also belong to a mosque that has monthly get-togethers for seniors that often last all day. The seniors love the get togethers and make new friends, Not everyone is religious but reaching out to seniors groups at synagogues, churches and mosques is a good way of socializing and meeting new people.
19
Being alone is one of the worst feelings. I can only imagine how Carrie would have felt, especially because it is the holiday season, which means it is also “family season.” Everyone spends time with their families this time of year, which probably made it so much harder for Carrie, who doesn’t have any family to turn to. I think that having social media makes it easier to cope with loneliness because it is easy to reach out to anyone and start a conversation. However, it is definitely not the same as spending time with people in person; and wherever you turn on social media, there are posts and comments of people with their friends or family, making it even more painful to be alone. For this reason, I think it is crucial to have groups, clubs, or congregations for people who are feeling lonely or isolated to go to and spend time with other people. I hope that this holiday season, everyone has someone to turn to, and everyone feels appreciated and loved.
10
An eventual heartwarming story, but I'm so tired of the mean people online. How in the world could they write the things they do? I think their I.P.'s should be tracked, someone goes to their house and tells them they have they have to give a face to face apology to victim. I'd guess they're not courageous enough to do that.
As much as I like the internet, the world was infinitely better without it.
40
Good for her. There will always (I guess) be people that attack those that try to make the world better, but Carrie was brave enough to ask for what she wants and to offer what she has.
What more can any of us do?
And by doing what she's done, I'm sure she's inspired others to look for ways to overcome loneliness.
Sometimes all that stands between loneliness and friendship is one hello.
15
This is not the story for ranting against the Internet. After all, through the Internet, Carrie found Carson!
5
Why so much cruelty in the "greatest country on earth?"
Things not looking so great when we have so many heartless cowards who find it easier to spew hate online rather than getting out and helping people. Terrible waste of time.
24
Wait a minute. Not everyone who is alone is lonely. In fact, many people, such as I, enjoy our solitude immensely. The unfortunate thing is that during the holidays I actually have to leave my own home and hide from neighbors who stalk me insisting I share their holiday "so I won't be alone". I would so much more enjoy a lovely dinner à seule in front of the fire.
37
@Ravenna a lot of people agree with you!
4
@PhillyPerson Same.
2
Well, Carrie IS lonely, and this piece is about others who are lonely, not about folks like you.
8
I am sorry to read of this woman’s situation. But I am also very concerned she has/is going to put herself in a vulnerable even dangerous situation if she goes to a private home . One can’t be too cautious nowadays, especially with the number of people taking advantage of the elderly. I wish there was a way to set up a “welcome table” via senior centers etc.
18
I just wish her daughter would rethink this estrangement. When her mother is gone, it will be too late.
17
I would ask people to be careful with sentiments like this. We don’t know the situation and can’t judge why the daughter made her decision. There may be very good reasons for why Carrie and her daughter are not in contact.
22
My mother was denied to see her granddaughters since their childhood by my brother and his wife. She never knew the reason but we thought it was probably jealousy. My mother suffered the loss untill the day she died, not so much of her son- who did not care to keep in touch - but the girls. That was just plain cruel and also had a negative effect on other family relations.
18
Carson Carlock, you would make any grandma burst with pride.
If you were standing in front of me, I would pinch your cheek.
24
@E. A. S. glad I'm not in front of you. Age 78.
3
People need to stop internalizing negative comments that mean-spirited others post. They are trolls and cowards, and not qualified to judge or psychoanalyze you. Some of the ads on Craigslist are posted by trolls who like to trick people, but Carrie's ad did have a genuine tone. The fake heartfelt posts usually have an empty feel to them, and reflect that the sociopaths who make them don't have good souls. I hope someone can assist Carrie to reunite with her daughter.
10
When she saw him, Mr. Carlock said, she burst into tears and said, “Come here.”
Tears here as well. Nice to see at least the holidays can bring out this kind of compassion.
21
At the risk of sounding coarse, maybe we should be talking about why there are a growing number of adults who are estranged from their parents, and entertain the notion that maybe this phenomena is not simply due to the cavalier disregard of younger generations... For me personally, and many others I know of, I was left no choice but to cut my parents out of my life after years of narcissistic psychological and financial abuse. My brother made a similar decision when he realized their refusal to respect him as a parent was a danger to his children. I'm sure my parents are currently putting on a public show of hand-wringing and blameless victimhood to garner sympathy over the absence of their adult children during the holiday season, while failing to elaborate on the persistent choices and pervasive self-centered mentality that ultimately got them ostracized.
Obviously I don't know the details of this case and if the grandmother truly deserves to be estranged, and I certainly don't believe she deserves to be castigated by strangers online. However, I imagine there's a good chance her estrangement is not merely due to irrational pettiness... The boomers have, in a statistical sense, been documented to have more members exhibiting narcissistic and even sociopathic personality traits. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the en masse elder-estrangement we are seeing now is a reaction to predatory and toxic family dynamics that todays middle aged adults are recovering from.
39
I know what you mean. I will not be inviting my elderly woman friend for Xmas dinner. She doesn’t get along with anyone, always tries to start an argument or sulks. We —and our friends—put up with her for years. We just can’t anymore.
13
@nicole_b_sf - Where did you find this documentation about boomers being more narcissistic and sociopathic? It sounds like you are generalizing from your own, anecdotal, experience of this generation.
9
Boomers are the generation that really started to glorify work and materialism over family and community, and now they’re reaping what they sow. They mocked social institutions including family, community organizations, and religion, in favor of individual happiness, and now they wonder why they’re alone.
6
"There, but for the grace of God" as the saying goes. OK, we will have grandma and others for Christmas...one day out of 365..loneliness persists, pervasive and insidious. We need to recognize this growing problem, not only among senior citizens, (at 50, Carrie is not considered a "senior"), but folks of all ages and backgrounds. Yes, loneliness kills. In a society that bombards us with friendship, family, togetherness, a lonely person feels indeed isolated and ostracized ("Something must be wrong with me"). Reach out for yourself and for each other. Some may be comfortable with their loneliness...being alone is not the same as being lonesome.
5
A sad situation and one I fear will be increasingly common. Given the growing numbers of people who either have small, geographically scattered families or never marry, never have kids, I long assumed that society would inevitably evolve to be more convenient and welcoming for single people. This has occurred in places like the Netherlands.
Yet this change has not occurred in America. In fact, bizarrely, society is going in the opposite direction, making it increasingly difficult for people on their own to thrive, or even survive. Whether you look at the eagerness of hospitals to discharge patients within a couple hours of major surgery regardless of whether they have anyone to care for them or the outlandish "single supplements" attached to package tours or the cavalier suggestion that anyone having trouble with rent should just move in with their relatives, there is a sort of "back to the 19th Century" momentum coupled with a loony assumption that we all live in large farmhouses with maiden aunts to tend us and brawny nephews to carry our bags.
It is assumed that people have a big, cheery extended family to help them out in old age, nurse them in sickness, lend them money if they are broke and, yes, invite them for Xmas. And that if they don't, they should. It is also increasingly assumed that you should apply DIY to everything---like the 19th century pioneers! Actually, services should be restructured to reflect the social changes that are taking place.
21
Solitude is not loneliness. But I guess loneliness is not solitude.
8
This country is going to face a serious reckoning over it's dismissiveness of senior citizens … and I hope it hurts.
12
This article just wrecked me. Grandmothers are so special. Mine is 93 and I cherish every holiday with her-- the time spent is a gift and so is she. Thankfully, I don't need a grandma for Christmas-- but America needs a heart.
15
There really needs to be some way to help people like this in general.
7
How about becoming a member of a church, synagogue or mosque? Religious organizations' prime raison d'être is to provide support to our most vulnerable.
7
This is what's wrong with the internet. People can choose to be ignorant, cruel and disrespectful under guise of anonymity or hiding in the crowd. Imagine going up to a real, lonely, elderly person and telling her to go kill herself. Your own mother would never forgive you. We have to move to a form of Internet where this type of behavior is not acceptable either. This may be one of the most urgent challenges we face today.
500
@Véronique: The kind of cruel response that was posted to Carrie online is made by a very careless, mean, immature, damaged person (one who probably has nobody much in his/her own life, I'd guess) - and the cruel response sounds just like what Trump would either say or encourage someone to say.
I agree this type of behavior should be unacceptable ANYWHERE - whether in person, in a letter, a text, or as an anonymous response online. This is where I feel Trump has lowered the level of discourse to the sub-sub-basement, and he actually has enabled/validated the mean commenters, b/c they say "look: even the president is nasty that way."
68
@Véronique - I couldn't believe that when I read it. How could anyone read her plea and feel anything but compassion? I don't think it's just the internet, we're a broken society. Yes, someone articulated a sentiment they probably wouldn't have said face to face, but the fact that they felt it at all shows what deep problems we have.
69
@L these are the people who vote AGAINST more generalized healthcare, occupational training for those with little means, free higher education, free pre-k etc. These are the people who don;t want gun regulation or any kind. These are the people who don't want us to feed the homeless or help them find a way back into society.
I don't need to mention concrete names, but thanks to media reporting we know who represents them.
72
This is heartbreaking and inspiring. Gd bless Carrie and those kind enough to reach out to her. I pray she reconciles with her daughter! What I wouldn't give to have my mother and grandmother back!
6
I do feel sorry for this woman but I also know that some elders are abandoned by their families because they are toxic. I have a relative whose
three children will have nothing to do with her, nor will her adult grandchildren. She is an interfering, stalking, nasty-mouthed old woman who abused her kids and blames everyone else for her troubles. She, too, stalks her family by showing up and standing around outside their places of entertainment or employment and as they pass by she loudly begs them for some attention, which horrifies her relatives but does gain her the momentary attention and sympathy from passers-by who have no idea what a nightmare she is. She has never managed to maintain employment because she is so horrible. Sometimes people are alone because they have alienated everyone around them.
37
@Leftcoast Ugh, really, that’s your first thought? Compassion is about recognizing fellow being in need. It needn’t be political.
5
I am in my late 60s. Since I retired and joined the Y and the Jewish Community Center, I have been inspired by many people in my age group & much older than I am. They live in many different circumstances including alone, in assisted living, with spouses who need care and without family in the area. They make it their business to get dressed & go where there are activities & people to share them with. These organizations offer help to include everyone who wants to participate. Religious, volunteer & special interest organizations are similar options. I understand that grief, poor health, depression, shyness and lack of self confidence are very difficult barriers. However, I also know people who are able, but unwilling to make any effort to help themselves. I am an introvert so I’m deeply grateful for the inspirational role models who motivate me.
16
Not only do we lose people due to circumstances, but sometimes our ability to see those we care about slowly erodes. Then we are alone not because we are unloved, but simply because our bodies can no longer cross the distance to see one another.
11
So sorry for the millions of Carries around the country.
1950s, 60s and 70s. I grew up in a multi-generational (spanning four generations) family living together. Life may not have been perfect, but, based on my experience, it was far, far better, than the lives we live today. The words loneliness and depression were alien to our vocabulary. Being around so many young adults and children kept the grandparents young and involved. Kids learned and respected the elders. There was occasional fighting, but love and laughter, kindness and sharing were dominant in our everyday lives.
Fast-forward to 2019. In our quest to earn more, so that we can consume more, and in our belief that "I" is more important than "you" or "they", we have lost what we most strive for most in life - happiness.
I may be romanticizing the past, but our present stressful lives, with a 24/7 on-call work schedule, takeout and grab-and-go meals, arranged "play dates" for kids, cellphone addiction. and texts instead of a voice call or a visit to parents and grandparents, is not my idea of what life should be about.
46
@Zara1234
All well and good until Grandma decides to tell you what you may allow your kid to eat or wear...
5
This article is unbearably heart breaking. I'm left feeling eternally grateful for what I have and would, if possible, offer this unknown person a place at my table this Christmas. I live very far from Tulsa: in Pretoria South Africa, so it's impossible to extend an invitation. However, perhaps there is someone closer to home that I can, as a result of reading this dear person's plight, offer an invitation to not be alone.
18
Some years ago, there was a church in my neighborhood that held a Christmas Eve service for people who feel blue and sad during the holidays because they had lost people.
I'm not sure they are still doing it, but we need more acknowledgement of the sadness of the holiday season, and that it's OK to feel down and sad.
I think about my step mother who died almost 20 years ago. She loved Christmas. I sing "Blue Christmas" to her, imagining she's OK in the afterlife enjoying a "Christmas of white", but I can accept my own blue Christmas.
15
I know how she feels. This year I’ve lost both my wife of 32 years and my mother. My father died 25 years ago. This will be the first time in 55 years I will be alone for the holidays. I’m being optimistic for the next year as there is really nothing else. I’m not looking for sympathy, just dealing with reality. Thank god for these people who reached out, to not only this lady, but all who are alone, especially this time of year.
879
@Paul P I am so sorry for your loss and I admire your forward looking approach and compassionate words. Best wishes to you and Happy New Year.
196
@Paul P I'm very sorry. I wish you the best of the holiday season, and hope that your resilient heart and optimism serve you well - they are a gift you will be able to share with others. Your compassion, too.
Thank you, too, for reminding me of all I have to be grateful for. You may be alone, but I believe you are building a virtual hug around you by sharing your comments.
157
@Paul P please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your wife and mom. I hope you are able to get through the holidays despite your huge losses. Prayers.
148
I wish communal living were a more popular option. Imagine Carrie living in her own room in a multi-generational collective house. That's what a friend of mine created after her painful mid-life divorce. She opened up her house to temporary and permanent visitors, forming a kind of family for un/under-employed artists and minimum-wage workers referred by friends. Expenses were shared and so was the upkeep. Music was always playing and her table was always full. It's not for everyone, but if loneliness is the problem, found community could be a solution.
636
@MP Thanks for reminding people of this option. It's a great idea. Maybe Wework could pivot its business model and create something beneficial to society?
45
@MP Unfortunately, that takes planning. Many people live day to day. Carrie was hoping to connect with her daughter and granddaughter. She was hoping that a sudden change of heart would put an end to this loneliness. Many, many of us are in similar situations (bad jobs and poor marriages to name a few). Days become weeks become months and years. You suddenly wake up completely alone. It took courage to do what she did. I hope she re-connects with her family AND makes new friends this holiday season. And I also hopes she uses this time to begin planning for a future where she will no longer be faced with posting Craigslist for companionship.
43
@MP
One of the nicest things in the past was the existence of rooming houses where disparate single people, often older, lived and ate together at the same table. And, to think of it, there was a place for older people in the local tavern. Where are they now?!
67
Building intergenerational friendships is something we should all be talking about more. My best friend is 27 years old and has spent weekends throughout most of her life working her parents' stand at a farmer's market. There's an older lady there whom she has always referred to as her "surrogate grandma." It always struck a chord with me. Before I moved, I used to chat all the time with this elderly gentleman in my neighbourhood when he was out walking his dog, and we formed a very fast friendship (thanks in no small part to Max, that beautiful Australian shepherd of his). As a millennial, I think building friendships with people old enough to be my grandparents is one of the most gratifying things young people can do to really make a difference.
575
@Joanne : I couldn't agree more. When I was younger (I'm almost 50 now), I had many older friends -- from a decade older to old enough to be my grandparents.
What I find as I age, though, is that many younger folks don't want to be friends with people who aren't their age or younger.
As a late-life mom who looked younger than I was, I could easily initially befriend other moms a decade or more younger than me. But eventually, my age would come out, and I would see the other women recoil and then cut me out of their lives.
88
@Rose I'm sorry to hear that. I'm in my 60s. I grew up around my great-grandmother who was in her 90s when she died. Her daughters, my grandmother and great-aunts, were also in their 90s when they passed. I learned so much from listening and talking to them. I have younger friends, but the generation gap is real. I wish it wasn't.
66
@Joanne My mother is closing in on 90, and I could not be more thrilled that she has multiple friends in my age range (mid-50's). My brother lives near her and sees her weekly, but she has kept up a lively and varied group of friends of all ages that she can rely on and enjoy, especially after my dad passed a few years ago. I now can claim multiple "sisters," whom I adore, as my friends as well. Bravo to you, your life will be richer for expanding your horizons and friendships.
60
Now I feel kind of bad. At church we are asked to buy gifts for kids or older people. I chose to buy for kids, as shopping for kids is more interesting. Maybe I should have picked one for seniors. Hopefully the other parishioners grabbed some.
23
@Ed
It's not too late!
6
@Ed I think, unless one's physical circumstances are dire, most adults would cherish an hour of companionship more than any tchotchke from a store. Let's hope that was one of the options at your church.
11
@Elizabeth Connor I agree! When I lived in Florida 20 years ago, all I had was my sons -- a teenager and a baby. A rep from the church I was attending asked if I wanted a box of donated food or presents. I said neither. But I would have accepted an invite to a holiday celebration.
9
How could anyone respond in any way other than empathy? Telling someone to kill themselves? Appalling. She did nothing wrong at all. I'm glad others stepped up, but really, how can you not have a warm response? Who among us has never been alone?
37
If one is lonely on a particular holiday and you aren’t too busy with your pity party, take yourself to a homeless shelter to be put to good use.
If you are alone because you don’t particularly like other humans there are also animal shelters that would welcome a volunteer during the holidays.
The best cure for loneliness is having a purpose..whatever you are capable of, whatever day of the year it is.
14
If she's open-minded and open-hearted, we'd welcome her to our Chanukah gathering, and wrap her gifts in red and green.
May G-d bless and keep and smile on lonely people of all ages, places, ethnicities, faiths, and creeds. And by "G-d" I also mean you. And all of us.
23
Yup, and I'd even sing a song or two about baby Yoshke with her (as long as she taught me the words). Sounds like a hoot to me!
6
Before I was kicked out of my loft, I hosted my "orphan" holiday dinners, either Thanksgiving or Christmas with the idea of inviting people who had no other place to be or friends who were not to be alone, aside from regular friends. What a blast! Sometimes we had a United Nations of cultures with the stories of their cultures, and sometimes comedic theatre of the amusing side of dysfunctional backgrounds (yes, there is a grain of truth in humor, but it dulls their pain).
As I now sit in my little shoebox space with no kitchen, I am lucky enough to be invited places, but dream of once again hosting parties with a grand sweep of humanity, with dinners that leave smiles long after those dishes are gone.
280
@Janice - I am glad to hear that others do this as well! I have called it my "misfits" holiday, but the same spirit applies!
Enjoy your opportunity to bring joy to others as a gracious guest!
31
This hit a nerve. In fact, I found myself weeping when I read this, and I'm not the emotional type.
If I were closer to Tulsa or had the means to send for Grandma, I certainly would.
But thankfully, someone else a little closer has stepped in.
And Merry Christmas to you all.
314
@N. Smith Gee. I'll bet there are lots of people just like the Tulsa Grandma in NYC. Place an ad in CL seeking them out. Be the change you want to see in the world.
15
@Achicks
It's always easy to give advice to people whom you don't know, and I hope it made you feel better.
But as I mentioned, I just haven't the means at the moment being in-between assignments as a freelance journalist.
At least my heart is in the right place.
That's the best I can do right now.
23
Forging membership in a community of living, breathing beings is so important in life, and especially so as one ages. But please do know it's never too late to start! Volunteering is something that can really help (if health permits, of course). Putting your hand out along the way and trying to make a friend is so vital--you can do that at any age. And although I'm not a terribly religious person, I've enjoyed membership in a few liberal churches in my day. It's human nature to want to belong. The hardest part if taking the first step.
8
This will not be a popular post. Some older individuals are alone because their adult children want nothing to do with them, usually because these older individuals abused them as children--physically, emotionally, and/or sexually. Some scars never heal and are unforgivable. I know this from experience. The article mentions that this individual is estranged from her adult daughter and granddaughter. There may be good reason her own adult daughter wants nothing to do with her. I am not saying this is the case here, but I think it's important to consider all of the potential reasons.
366
@Bokmal, I agree. I can't stand it when people think they have the "right" to see a grandchild. While we know nothing of the reasons for separation in this case, simply being the parent of that child's parent does not automatically come with "visitation" rights.
74
@Bokmal
Maybe it's time to forgive.
Projecting a little bit, perhaps?
51
@Bokmal 100% agreed. Couldn't have said it better.
33
This is a big problem in Japan, too. Seniors have housing and usually food, but live in isolation. Sometimes they die at home and their bodies are not discovered for weeks. This is called "the lonely death."
126
@Marilyn Sue Michel
I have lived in Japan for over 37 years. This DOES not happen in Japan. A shame culture prevents people from reaching out. Japan works hard to help their elderly, sometimes ineptly. But Japan would NEVER NEVER treat an elderly person this way.
5
@bar_none I wonder if a shame culture could also keep citizens from acknowledging this problem exists?
14
@bar_none actually, this has been an increasing problem in Japan that only until recently has been talked about. lots of credible sources, many from Japan
https://www.google.com/search?q=the+lonely+death+japan&oq=the+lonely+death+japan&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i64l3.3679j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
https://www.businessinsider.com/japan-aging-prison-2018-3
11
The internet was a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake.
Sounded like a great idea back in the 1990s. Give everyone a voice? Cool!
Flash forward 28 years. It turns out, there are a lot of people who never should have been given a voice. Number 1 on the list of people who should never have been given a voice: people who use social media to launch vitriolic diatribes at an elderly woman who was genuinely looking for companionship so she wouldn’t be alone for the holidays.
This is why I deleted all of my social media and the only comments sections I ever visit are strictly moderated. The toxicity that comes from the unfiltered stream of consciousness of anonymous internet users is the written equivalent of the radioactive waste that was spewed out from Chernobyl.
567
@Austin Ouellette: Amen to that.
39
@Austin Ouellette
Agree completely! If I could travel back in time I would. The lack of civility is toxic.
37
@Austin Ouellette OTH, think about it: if it had not been for the internet, how would Carrie reached out to the world? It cuts both ways.
35
I feel for the seniors in Carrie‘s position. I understand. It’s also the disabled in many cases. I’ve been disabled at a fairly young young age by a rare genetic illness that my mother and my own grandmother both have. (My grandmother is recently deceased at 96, with no other health problems except this rare genetic illness, except for the last 18 months of her life.)
I used to love to cook, I can’t do that in longer. I don’t leave the house often. I moved to a state where I know no one, because of the weather and it’s impact on my physical well-being. That became more important to me than staying where I was, because this is it an extraordinarily painful disease and cold weather makes everything worse.
I have no children as I had no desire to pass this disease into the next generation. I have no husband, because I chose not to put someone in the position of being forced to care for me at a young age, my early 30s. So I spend holidays alone.
I just pretend it’s any other day of the year. Would I like to have someone to celebrate with, with really good food, which I miss, certainly. But it’s not in my cards.
I work very hard to be uplifted by something every day. Even if it’s a small thing. Maintaining my mental health is by far the most important thing to me. And if Carrie lived nearby, we would find a restaurant and go have fun together. Even if it was only for an hour or two. We both deserve that.
84
I really feel for the lady in this article. When I was younger, I moved to Utah from California for a job opportunity. I knew no one in Utah. All I did was work and sit at home alone. Loneliness really is a soul crushingly dark place to be in. Eventually I made some friends and started to date the woman I am now married to. However, the experience of being all alone left such an impact that, to this day, I fear it happening to me again. If you know someone who is all alone for the holidays, please take them into your home and make them feel welcome. You’ll be doing a great thing.
52
I never imagined this story would strike such an emotional chord with me. For 20 years I hosted large family gatherings over the holidays & never fathomed I would struggle with being alone, especially on a holiday.
This Thanksgiving it happened, the result of a cataclysm of events. A disabling accident, dissolution of my marriage, an empty nest & family in different cities.
Getting to someone else’s celebration is difficult for me. I live alone but not able to cook a holiday meal myself.
I guess my point is, I know there are a lot of other people in my situation that are unspoken for. Maybe reach out to someone you assume has plans for a holiday meal, because maybe they don’t. It can’t hurt to ask.
173
In days past, stay at home moms did a lot of the work of community building. Now that most parents work, and fewer people join groups like churches and bowling leagues, isolation is a real problem. I've found a number of things online that are helping me connect. 1. BuyNothing. Not really like Freecycle, it's more like giving and receiving as a premise for getting to know your neighbors. 2. a local Facebook mamas group. I know a few of them IRL, but a lot of them, I've never met but they come through with encouragement when I need it. 3. local groups related to my hobby. We have meetups a couple times a month, but also weekly checkins on social media. It makes a big difference.
16
This is a real reminder how nasty people have become. Empathy and compassion out the window to someone brave enough to put herself out there. America is such a hateful place these days. That poor woman. I too have the same scenario, no one. I have the means to place myself into a hotel to wait out the holiday "spirit" but feel for this human being. The vanity and nastiness of younger generations is beyond compresension.
52
@Leslie Stepp To blame this on younger generations isn't fair. We don't create the cultures we become a part of, that is done by corporations and advertising.
Many young people are upset at baby boomers for creating current conditions that make it impossible to have time to create connections because of the lack of well-paying jobs, affordable homes, student loan interest, and a bevy of other issues.
We have plenty of mean people from all generations, but this article showed that there are good people as well.
44
@Leslie Stepp I hope if you have a house of worship, you will let some members know so you can have folks to hang out with, or invite some friends over yourself. You can always visit those who have nobody at a retirement center too. I do that and always feel far more blessed when I leave.
2
@Leslie Stepp How on earth did you come to the conclusion that younger generations deserve a label of vain and nasty with this article? The people that reached out to help find her and offer their homes were in their 20s. Stop the cycle of blaming other generations for the projected sadness you see in the world.
19
I miss my grandmothers every day. That this one is ignored and forgotten is unacceptable and cruel. America, such a heartless monster you’ve become!
35
I'm in my 50s and as I never married, there have been many times when I've been alone on holidays. It doesn't bother me. I like to cook and as I like to eat, it is not necessary for me to give food to others to cook. I also have many hobbies that keep me busy. If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be unhappy a lot of the time.
73
@Anne Most human beings are by nature social creatures. There are those that enjoy isolation, but most do not.
34
@Jeff Being alone is not the same as "isolation".
18
@Anne It's great that you're happy and not bothered to be alone on holidays, but not everyone feels the same as you do.
18
Hi Carrie, my two little daughters (7 and 5) need a grandma for Christmas as theirs live on other continents! Wish there was a way for you to come to Manhattan!
24
@Charmaine
Let's be sure Grandma Carrie is not a MAGA supporter first.
16
@Left Coast This is why our forebears taught that people should not discuss politics, money, sex, or religion in social situations.
While my political stance is the same as yours, and I certainly prefer to socialize with others who share my views, it is a *huge* problem that people even *consider* politics as a criterion for deciding whether or not to reach out a kind, helping hand to a lonely elder, especially at the holidays.
I would suggest that if you are unable to have a conversation that doesn't include the "taboo four" topics, you might want to try to widen your horizons ;-)
7
People crave family, the feeling of of love and belonging, yet it is family that represents the most clear and present danger to every individual. The holidays serve to exacerbate this paradox of human relations. Everywhere the fantasy of family, home and hearth is pressed upon everyone. It is ubiquitous and grinding to those who don't have it. Terrifying to those abused by it. Those that are "blessed" by loving family often take it for granted. It is the chosen few that live it, are grateful and spread good cheer. Kudos to them.
16
This is the saddest thing I’ve read in a long time. Why would people be so cruel to this poor woman on Craigslist? A pox on them all.
Someone should start an Adopt-a-Grandma foundation for the holidays. I think a lot of people would be happy to host someone but want the person to be vetted so they don’t invite a crazy into their home.
58
@Julie What about "Adopt a Grandpa"? Loneliness is an equal misery maker..knows no gender, ethnicity, religion, party affiliation..in fact, it is universal and catholic.
9
@OH
How about "Adopt a Grandparent"? Choose either gender from a pool of suitable, vetted, older people who'd like to spend some time with a friendly family, to the advantage of both.
4
What kind of person goes out of his way to tell a lonely senior to go kill herself?
128
@Katrin
It's probably the same person who harasses people who have lost children in school shootings. They could be sadists or "kiss up, kick down" people. I don't know what manufactures them. Too bad they're not dogs with a "three bite" rule ...
17
@Katrin a very sick person
7
@Katrin Donald Trump
19
Older people must -- MUST -- get out of their isolation and go meet people. It may not be easy, it may not always be fun, but it is imperative. This world has changed over the past decades.
Go to a coffee shop, join a MeetUp social group, get in contact with people you used to know. Life will otherwise become shatteringly lonely for loads of people who depend too heavily on the whims and wiles of family for support.
I could not be more fortunate to have the daughter and son-in-law I have. They are both loving and gracious and kind and caring, and are there for me when I'm in some urgent need.
But they don't live next door and even if they did, they cannot be my entire life. I can be part of it, not all of it.
I have forced myself in retirement to meet new people, form new alliances, dive into new interests, because old people simply cannot let themselves get cut off from the rest of the world.
It is terrible to learn of this woman's loneliness and I understand it. And I don't know her situation. But to the best of her ability she, like the rest of us who are able, need to keep meeting people.
82
@HotGumption All this may be true - but for some, it's very difficult to get out and meet new people or try new things. If you're an introvert, or have a disability or chronic illness, physical or mental, such as depression, it can be terrifying, not to mention impossible if you can't drive and have no public transportation in your area. Churches/synagogues and other religious institutions are wonderful places for older people to find companionship if you're a person of faith. Some cities and towns have senior centers but not all have such services. Please everyone: if you know an older person who is alone, check in with them. I know I'll pay more attention to the elders I know - and take the advice here to volunteer and get involved while I'm still healthy and mobile!
24
@hotgumption
You are right and it is not easy. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving alone this year without so much as a text from our extended family. They ‘forgot’.
I considered it a wake-up call. I joined a knitting ministry, signed up for an art class and went back to the gym. Next year, I am going to volunteer on the holidays.
I’m so happy that Carrie found some friends to spend the day with. Her post took a lot of guts!
46
@Terri Ring
I already know it's difficult!!! It's not been easy for me, but I know it is critical to my well-being.
That's why I wrote:
"But to the best of her ability she, like the rest of us who are able, need to keep meeting people."
I have three volunteer jobs and I frequently invite friends over for Scrabble and a simple lunch, and accept every single invitation I ever receive.
Disabled, shy? Then get on the Internet from home -- there are all sorts of online communities for people who are lonely and stuck in their homes.
Beyond that, I don't know the remedy except to move into elder housing.
6
I'm 53 and single, and because I live in an urban area with many colleges, I always have a roommate, someone often in her early 20s. I have met some wonderful young women this way with whom I maintain cordial relationships. I also babysit for a 5 year old boy. Between the roommates and the babysitting, I've got ample extra income and intergenerational relationships that really enhance my life!
100
What does it say about our culture that woman's desperate and heart-breaking plea for connection would be met with such cruelty?
265
@Douglas Klein As much as I dislike Trump, this issue is larger and has been growing for longer than Trump has been in office.
29
My Mom died Sept. 30th. I was her sole familial caretaker for 10 years, so she and I spent much time, every Saturday, and all major holidays together. This Christmas will be the first major holiday I haven't spent with Mom in 10 years. It is an adjustment. Fortunately, I work full-time, have friends in Houston, and 3 fur babies. But, I feel for Carrie, because even with people around me, there remains a gap nobody can fill. I'm saddened to know people responded to her ad with ugly comments -- especially in the season where peace and love are supposed to prevail.
148
@Ellen Moore Hi Ellen, sending love as a fellow Houstonian (transplant, but I am proud to call this city my home). Your mother was very lucky to have you those 10 precious years of her life.
54
@Ellen Moore Furry friends are wonderful, often the love and companionship superior to that of humans.
10
That our county contains people who enjoy responding with cruelty and insults to a genuine plea for companionship -- that's the saddest thing I've contemplated since...well, since Trump last opened his mouth.
365
@JimBob well said
40
@JimBob I agree that this is disgusting behavior but there is no reason to believe that the hateful responses came from within the US.
There are people all over the globe who have various reasons to attack American society and make us less trusting of one another. We know for a fact Russia has paid people to do this online.
24
I'm glad Carrie got some loving support.
We need to hold Craigslist, Facebook, Twitter etc. accountable for amplifying hatred. A simple first step would be to require that in order to leave a comment, a person must reliably identify who they are. Anonymity provides cover for hateful trolls. The internet companies could easily do this, they just haven't bothered because there's no money in it. I'd love to see class action lawsuits brought against them by anyone who has been subjected to hateful comments.
136
@John Fourier Anonymity also allows revolutions, like in Hong Kong.
8
@John Fourier Thank you, John, for pointing out the role anonymity plays in facilitating such cruelness online.
5
It would be interesting if someone could put together an app leveraging dating sites’ technology matching seniors with families who want a grandma. You could indicate whether you wanted a grandma for just holidays, just Sundays, full time etc. then match up with Grandmas who are looking for the same. I say grandmas but of course there could be grandpas. Say said Sunday but there would also be other days of the week for religions other than Christianity. The marching possibilities are endless.
Of course I know there is a major possibility for bad actors especially with vulnerable elders. Hopefully these issue could be worked out.
I’m sure folks can think of a million reasons why this wouldn’t work. However just think of the possibilities.
57
@Lilly LaRue This is a great idea!
16
Sending you wishes for all love Carrie. I’m
so sorry for the cruel comments you received, and so glad for the beautiful ones. As someone who has felt alone at times (oh, that would be all of us!), I’ve experimented with tuning in to the love that is all around me, in ways seen and unseen, through people I know and people I might just interact with for a moment in the grocery line or wherever.
It might sound woo woo, but love doesn’t need to be a function of the connection between specific people. It’s a force that we can radiate it out into the world from an always available place inside us, and when we do, and find it is reflected right back to us. I do believe that the love I hold for my children is from the same source as the love I can feel towards the lady at the bank during that one moment of paying attention and looking her in the eye.
Sounds like some of the people who wrote you are in a starving and lonely place. And that most are not. I hope you can feel their love, and mine that I’m sending to you.
Wishing you a Merry a Christmas Carrie.
70
@KD : This is one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. Especially these lines: "Love doesn’t need to be a function of the connection between specific people. It’s a force that we can radiate out into the world from an always available place inside us."
35
@Rose Agree! KD's comment made me get teary!
10
@KD beautifully stated. just be nice, right? don't stare at your phone ... look people in the eye ... say hello ... hold the door open ... and thank people who hold the door open for you. simple things that make the world a much better place for everyone. a santa claus walked into the convenience store i was in yesterday. everyone lit up, even the toughest looking guy in the place. why? because santa is always kind and radiates love. let's all be like santa this holiday season!
12
There should be more ways for teens to connect with elders. Our temple has such a program. I still remember a gorgeous essay from 30 years ago written by a classmate in high school about her relationship with a woman in a nursing home. How the woman’s wisdom and unconditional acceptance shaped her life. How filled with love and meaning their friendship was. When she’s a few years older I will encourage my daughter to volunteer to visit elderly people. It’s a wonderful thing to do.
29
@Ifhy Faith institutions are a great place for folks to connect with other generations. My kids grew up 3000 miles from their “real” grandparents but found several replacements at our Unitarian Church. They learned how to be with older people, and sadly, watched as they aged and then lost them.
6
Visit your local senior center and if your community doesn’t have one its time to make sure you do. At a senior center, people can take classes, meet other seniors, learn how to do their taxes, get involved in volunteer activities, sign up for help needed and more.
24
I find it astonishing, and yet entirely understandable, that adolescents are as lonely, or lonelier, than older adults.
When everyone's face is peering at their phone, conversation is vanishing from all the places it used to flourish. Games, useless information and fake friends aren't a replacement for actual human interaction. We're finally starting to understand this problem.
As to older people without family, friends or other relatives to spend the holidays with, what did we think would happen as the baby boomers aged?
Isolation is a problem that can't be addressed by a simple ad on Craigslist. It requires action on the part of the lonely person and some counseling.
Get up, get out, meet people and make friends. Start a group for like-minded people and for the love of God, put the darn phones down.
20
@Pamela L. It has nothing to do with phones. Adolescents live very different lives than I did at a similar age and I have a 12 year old in 7th grade. She's worried about grades and extracurriculars so she can get into the honors track in high school, so she can get into the classes she'll need to get into a good college and earn scholarships so she won't have college loans. Her life is high pressure, and kids feel isolated because there's little time to hang out with friends.
Nothing to do with phones; don't scapegoat technology.
4
As The New York Times has chronicled, Japan is on the leading edge of elderly people increasingly living alone and isolated. This is a problem that is going to be exacerbated with declining birthrates and the development of a culture that encourages young people to focus more on work than family.
19
By reaching out to someone in need, we as individuals can be the difference between suicide and life for others.
23
@Christie while enriching our lives.
3
Her daughter cut her off. People don't usually do that to their parents for no reason. The description of her waiting outside her grandchild's ballet class and trying to peek in the window is grotesque. How do you think the daughter would react to seeing her there?
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@Majolica : I think you're trying to imply that it's this woman's "fault" that her daughter cut her off. But without knowing the specifics, you can never really know for sure. Adult children struggle with addiction and mental illness. They make bad choices about partners and sometimes stay with people who abuse them -- physically or emotionally -- and try to get them to sever ties with their parents.
Might this grandma have played a role? Sure, it's possible. But it's also possible that she didn't.
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@Majolica
Very harsh response. Before being so judgmental, consider that mother-daughter dynamics can be very hard without there being something so dire as "neglect" or "abuse" on either side.
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@Majolica I agree. It did sound like stalking. There is a lot we don't know.
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What happened to estrange her from her daughter?
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@STV
One possibility: political differences
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This makes me so sad. I do wonder what happened with her daughter, since most people don't cut their parents off lightly. That said, even if her daughter can't forgive her for something, this lady deserves to have closeness and companionship in life. Since she ended up spending time with friends, I'm guessing she really misses being around children (give the story about her granddaughter and the focus on a family with kids in the ad).
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Poignant situation, reported cogently! Why not embrace a strategy (governmental or other) of ENHANCED DIGITAL LITERACY, 365 days a year, for older Americans as at least a partial solution for problems still often viewed from a pre-digital, 20th Century perspective?
Many of the elements of such an enhancement (partial solution) are mentioned in this article.
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@Lady from Dubuque
Being more digital is not a solution...more like a big part of the problem.
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@Wocky You're welcome to your view... "Enhanced digital literacy" to me implies enhanced discrimination... Qualitative reaching out by seniors to help others in a culture that all-too-often views older American problems from a 20th Century perspective...
Happy Holidays!
I'm shocked at the responses to Carrie's plea.
I believe that if she posted on the Brooklyn NY Craigslist, she would have had plenty of positive responses - including mine.
New Yorkers know that we need to take care of each other.
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@Susan T Really? Only Brooklyn has sympathetic people? I bet she would have had more responses had it been posted on the Queens board, which has a lot of extended families because it's an immigrant friendly area.
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@Jamie I don’t see @Susan T saying “only” Brooklyn has sympathetic people. Hope y’all can avoid a fist fight over which Borough is more sympathetic. (Smile). But while we’re on the topic I do recall reading an eye opening article in this very paper on the high number of elderly people who die alone in their New York apartments and often aren’t found for weeks or months because no one was checking on them. So it would appear all of us can do better at walking our talk and contributing to some sort of social safety net for those amongst us who are vulnerable.
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Any attempts to provide communities with lasting connections for adults are shot down as anti family, socialist, or anti religious.
Lonely disconnected seniors are the result of a society that says consumerism is the path to happiness.
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@Jason I totally agree with your last sentence. What do u mean by the 1st? Can you give an example? Thx
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@Tamy
It's also the result of a society that worships youth, devalues older people, and treats the single and lonely like they have a communicable disease.
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I hope her daughter saw the article and is reconsidering her "estrangement".
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@Lisa You can' know why the daughter is estranged. My mother, who appears to the rest of the world as a friendly elderly lady is verbally abusive. I have not abandoned her, but have set reasonable boundaries for being with her. She will not be alone on Christmas unless she decides to be nasty.
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@Honey Does your mother happen to have some degree of dementia? That thought immediately occurred to me because antisocial behaviour, particularly with those closest to the person, is a common sign that can appear even as early as a person's mid-40s. I mean, of course I recognize that some people simply have awful personalities, but your comment just made me wonder if maybe there was something a little more complex going on there.
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@Lisa While we don't know the daughter's side of the story - and I have seen where it's the child's fault and when it's the parents' fault - I think I am just grateful that she was located and won't be alone. She sounds like she deserves to be recognized as profoundly human and has been validated. Many can relate to her loneliness and I hope she can resolve the differences enough so she can at least see her grandchild.
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"The response to the Oklahoma woman was swift, and in some cases cruel, with cynical comments that accused her of carrying out a hoax or called her a parasite hoping to prey on a generous family. One person told her to go kill herself."
What horrible people the internet has let loose, and the fact that we have a jerk in the WH who encourages this kind of attack every time he opens his mouth is an indictment on our sick society. I am ashamed to be an American these days.
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@brookhawk. I suspect horrible people, their thoughts and behavior has always been present in every country. Wars, abuse, poverty, cruelty to each other and animals all worldwide events. What the internet has done is expose all of this for all to see and experience through the tap of a phone or computer.
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@Brookhawk people have always been cruel. We now have the technology that allows people to post their cruelty online. But it was always present if you take even cursory look through historical documents or literature. There is nothing new here.
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@Brookhawk
While there is no excuse for outright viciousness and cruelty like telling someone to kill themself, I too initially wondered about whether it was a hoax. In this case it turned out not to be. But whether we like it or not, there are a lot of con artists and worse out there, and they are very good at tugging the heartstrings of their marks. I would be very leery of letting a total stranger into my home with no vetting beforehand. I also worried that this ad could put the woman herself at risk, because I can easily imagine a criminal looking for a victim inviting her in and taking advantage of her or worse. Maybe I'm negative, or I've watched too many crime dramas, but there really are bad people out there and they don't stop being bad just because it's Christmas.
On the other hand, what I would have suggested to this woman would be to look into whether churches, nursing homes, women's shelters or other organizations in her area would like a volunteer for the holidays. It wouldn't be the happy Hallmark veneer of a fake family, but she just might get to cook for someone who would really appreciate and remember it, and maybe make a real friend or two.
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This is so sad. I hope there is a reconciliation with her daughter, if only for the granddaughter's sake. Everyone needs a grandma.
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@Barbara , 3 of my grandparents, including both grandmothers, died before I was born.
I'm 78 and sure I missed some experiences, I did fine without grandmothers.
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@joan - Thanks for your reply. I didn't mean to suggest we would be lesser off without a grandmother. Happy Holidays!
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This is such a heartbreaking story. Grateful to Mr. Carlock for his kindness. Wish more people had goodness in their hearts.
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