I’m so sorry I’m about to use this method. Seems like a happy death. Life is so painful and I don’t want to be here any longer.
2
As I’m still mourning my brother, will probably be forever mourning the horrible death of my brother. Your article made me feel that I wasn’t alone. Thanks. My entire family (6 siblings), has grown into a family of 40 with offspring. We’ve all learned from his death. (Hope it sticks throughout all generations). Because losing a brother this way; a good man with a big heart, well let’s just say it never hurts less day to day, or year to year. My soul aches for my brother. Other deaths in family and life come, the loss is painful but the joy eventually comes, knowing they lived a good full life and were ready to die. My brother had 2 little girls he left behind and I know he did not want to die. Can only hope he’s at peace. Our society is broken to help integrate previous drug addicts (most are also convicted felons serving multiple years in prison), back into the working world after serving their time. No one would hire him (except under the counter low pay manual labor). Convicted felons DO NOT get jobs. They have no way to earn a decent living or get medical benefits. The programs out there don’t work. I’d like to see and read more articles on this problem. It’s my brothers disease and his fault he is dead. But the system did not help. His life out of prison was unattainable to him. He was in/out of jail and prison several times. His last time out of prison, he died of an overdose that very first night. I think he knew, there was no way he could or would -survive.
2
Thank you for this article. My brother Nathan just passed away from fentanyl thinking he was using cocaine. He was 46 and always just used pills until he didn't I guess. But he hid it almost his whole life and was living with my mother at the time but thankfully died at a gas station on the ground and not at home. I didnt know he did hard drugs. I mean I teach drug classes in a jail of all places, a place where someone knows all about either selling drugs or almost dying themselves. They know about loosing everything. But It wasn't suppose to happen in my family. So I am learning a whole new side to it all. I will miss him so much and it just seems so senseless even with me understanding so much about addiction. I just never thought it would be him. It all starts with Marijuana though, I see it all the time with the people at jail and my brother way 13 and that what he started with too. I also know that he suffered from secrecy and shame too. I can only hope that his soul is free from the pain and turmoil of addiction as I have seen and felt the toil from those addiction and those who love them. Something needs to be done. Melissa Etheridge's son Beckett at 21 gone, Logan Williams at age 16 gone, Toby Macs son, truett at age 21 gone. You hear about it if they are famous but its a silent killer and ENORMOUS epidemic that must be addressed !!!!
2
@rebecca miller My brother and his friend had taken what they thought was Oxycotton & passed away recently. The friend took the pill and passed away around 11:30pm on May 10th, my brother took the pill around midnight and died about 1:30am on May 11th. Both boys died in the homes of their parents. It’s every parents, & older siblings nightmare. 💔 they’ve apprehended 5ppl who have sold the oxys. 36 deaths total in the surrounding states of Ok. & they’ve confiscated 3,000pills. Great news but of course doesn’t bring my brother back 😔
I am so sorry for your loss. It reminded me about what Nic Sheff said on Oprah about his meth addiction after he and his dad had written books about it from their own perspectives — “My dad did really the best he could, you know, and my mom did the best she could, and they really, really tried. At a certain point, there was nothing they could do. There was not one thing they could do that was going to make me not go down the path that I went down. That’s really important for parents and siblings to know, that at a certain point there’s nothing you can do, and your child is either going to make the decision to live or they’re not going to make that decision or they’re going to have that decision made for them.” Hard to hear and also heartbreakingly honest. Sending you love and light.
14
My 19 year old nephew died 2 years ago from a heroin fentanyl overdose, in his dorm room, day 3 of his freshman year of college. He had been in rehab, but I thought it was for alcohol abuse. He had stayed in our home for several weeks before moving to the dorm. The day of his death we picked up his few belongs from the dormitory and put them in the basement for a year, finally renting a storage unit where they remain until his parents can face sorting through them. I put his snowboard in storage as well, and added a pair of my old skis in memory of happier times.
6
Though no one is ever to blame for an addicts use, I can say that one thing that helps is being a constant ever-present person in their life. It is possible to repair the dopamine receptors, with time. For people with a tendency to get addicted, it is harder. Having a loving family around you constantly helping avoid the struggle can be very effective. Loneliness is a huge trigger for those who relapse. I have learned not to enable but to be there as a source of support. You have to be in an addicts face, and there whether they say they want you or not, because they likely do want you and need you despite what they say. There is no right or wrong here but realize that many addicts can’t ever speak to the deep loneliness they feel, they just need people around.
6
Sad story...I don't know what to say...Hope that you and your family have a happy life, but for you who loved your brother, I know that time will pass, but you will always remember him.
5
So very sad but so very heartfelt..... the special LOVE you had for your brother. GOD BLESS YOU.
3
I have great empathy for Ms. Cowie. I went through the loss of my brother two years ago to alcoholism. Like Ms. Cowie’s brother, my brother had been to some of the best rehab facilities in the US. He longest period of sobriety was eight years. Then the demo reared it’s ugly head and he was back to drinking his favorite poison, straight vodka.
My brother lost his wife to divorce, and almost lost his son. It was only due to distance that my nephew stayed in touch with his Dad.
Another common thread between Ms. Cowie’s loss and mine is I too tried to take care of my brother and let him move into a rental house next door to my husband and I. It was good and it was bad. Good because I knew where he was. Bad because I saw him decline before my eyes as my brother had added crack to his alcoholism. The combo of the two drugs changed him. He was no longer my little brother but an angry drug a alcoholic jackass.
Yet another common thread was my brother too died on his bathroom floor. He died from some plaque in his carotid artery breaking loose. He was supposed to have surgery to clean it up the following week.
Losing a sibling, for whatever reason, is harder than losing one’s parent. I understand Ms. Cowie’s devastation and have much empathy for her. I know I treasure the memories of my brother before he went over to the dark and lonely life of alcoholism.
8
Very few diseases have such a ripple effect to family, friends, and even people who do not know the affected individual. The guilt and shame experienced by those who are left behind after an overdose needs to be recognized as a unique and real outcome of the current opioid overdose crisis. Thank you for sharing.
6
A friend just went through this in San Diego. So sad.
4
I was 23 when I married a successful and sophisticated addict whom I did not comprehend at all until my life turned upside down. He grew up in a prominent n caring family. Had everything a child could ask for. Attended a prestigious culinary institute. Worked as a chef then personal trainer. However he abused his body w/steroids and IV morphine. Then came the benzos he chewed line Tic Tacs and a host of more drugs until his dr could no longer prescribe such meds and he moved on to coke and heroine. I watched him slip from healthy to a horrible state. We lost our apt, car n much more. After forgiving him for emptying our bank account for buying strippers and lien starts and not recognizing me n nearly choking me, he was sent to rehab (paid by his folks) where he lied again to everyone—we assumed six months of great care was helpful until he was back in my care with shiny eyes! I fiscally supported us for another year, cooked, cleaned and did his laundry...I declared bankruptcy due to his poor financial health n yet again...he deceived me when I learned he impregnated an equally married co-worker who was a hot mess (I learned when she was 8 mos). A job I helped him acquire. I invested time, energy, money, my dreams, married under Catholic laws n provided a great home all for zero. I represented stability and he chose party girl over and over. I let her have him. Took me years to restore my finances, I ultimately graduated with a combined deg n chose never look back.
10
@Story I hope whenever you do look back that you take pride in what you did and in who you were and are. You sound like an awesomely strong, generous and compassionate woman. May you get everything you desire always.
5
@Sharon thank you so kindly. It’s hard to open up about it. His mistress was eight months pregnant when I found out and that was the final straw for me. I knew then I had to start over and sadly, I’m sure her husband as well. The story did not end well for either of these two individuals. He eventually passed away years after I dissolved the marriage. She lost custody of that baby. I moved on and continue to help others and myself throughout life. I got stronger.
2
@Story As all of us know who have experience with addiction, there are two people living inside one body. Inside the addict is the clean person whom we came to love and it's the addiction that takes over. NOT to excuse the abuse!! But they aren't in their real right mind and maybe we stay with them hoping to reach that healthy person. As such it's hard to decide when enough is enough. I don't know you but I feel I understand at least a little part of why you were so steadfast.
A beautifully written piece, thanks. You did so much for your brother, and at the same time we understand how powerless one can feel against addiction. I am so shocked to see how this tragedy has been affecting so many in the US where my maternal family lives. I remember as a child having been traumatised by the sudden death due to drug use of two sons of an American friend in the space of 2 months . I remember having myself written a condolences letter, I was only 10. The father was a survivor of the Holocaust, how tragic. This event acted as a real deterrent to me who kept me away from drugs.
4
Healing, which takes time, so much time, isn't the same as erasure. You grow 'around' the tragedy or tragedies in your life...... Amber, you did all you could, and yet it wasn't enough to save your brother from the pain that drove him to his death. You are surviving and recovering, but never erasing your brother.
Perhaps it all comes down to biology, to the hard wiring in our brains which determines our destiny.
Thank you for sharing.
12
It will be difficult, but our society must adapt in a way that honestly acknowledges how our casual, romantic approach to some drug and alcohol abuse is deeply flawed.
5
You are free now, and your brother has stopped suffering. Remember him smiling and being happy. Forget the rest. With time, only the good memories will stay, and that was him. The rest was an incurable disease.
11
@Phil
My own experience with death due to substance abuse we with a (step) son, when he was 26, 19 years ago. ( and it was alcohol). My experience is that it's not only the good memories that remain. But the painful ones, and the grief, like stones in a river, slowly have the sharp edges worn away. Iy becomes possible eventually to bring them to mind without the sharp pangs.
10
As someone who dated an addict for three years, I found a lot of help by attending Nar-Anon meetings. Being able to talk to other people who know and understand what you're going through helped me get my life back on track and helped me deal with the pain and guilt of watching someone you love keep hurting themselves because of this awful disease.
3
I read this today, almost exactly one year from the last day I saw my brother alive. It was a particularly rough Thanksgiving visit, and I could tell something was up with him -- sleeping a lot, irritable, lots of drinking. But it was not until January 2019 when I found out what had been up: he'd been covering an addiction to Xanax for over two years. ANd to top it off, his dealer cut some fentanyl and heroin into some cocaine my brother had bought from him. Luckily, he died in his sleep that night, with his earbuds in, listening to one of his innumerable audiobooks lull him to sleep. The fact that he never wakes up breaks my heart every single day. It is a universe of grief that can overwhelm me in any moment. I will never understand why. And I guess I should not seek understanding of it. But it hurts nonetheless.
15
@Pete S Hi, Pete. I'm reading this today, one year from when I too last saw and hugged and laughed with my brother. He was 25. He died the day after Christmas from fetanyl. I just wanted to say a universe of grief I share.
Unfortunately for many of us we just wait for the call. For those who have clawed back over and over from the abyss. Congratulations.
3
I first learned my brother was an addict when I was cleaning his room, when I was just 10 years old. I found a bloody needle. He is dead now, and can’t hurt our family anymore.
8
My heart goes to you and to your family , so so sorry for your loss. To everyone out there , shouldn’t the “say no” campaign back on commercial again ? Now the media is getting larger than ever, post it on every social media that is available out there, it would reach many many people, not only here but all around the world ! Be well !
1
I am so very sorry for your loss.
11
Anyone who has loved an addict, no matter the outcome, can relate. Once the illness begins, the person they were before is transformed, for better or for worse, in recovery or while still using. I am resigned to the fact that my loved one's addiction took the person she could have been from me while acknowledging that I am lucky, for she is now both sober and alive.
15
Thank you all for sharing your stories. Hugs to you.
8
Thank you for this. I have a brother on the same path, and your rememberances and feelings sear with a truth and honesty that cuts to my bone. May you find peace moving forward.
21
Thank you so much for this moving remembrance. As a former drug addict with nearly 30 years of sobriety, I can't tell you how important it is to hear stories like this. Those of us who have managed to stay continuously sober, no matter for how long, are given only a daily reprieve. The farther we get from our bottoms, the harder it is to remember the utter demoralization of when we were out on the streets like your brother. I hope you know you may be saving the lives of sober drug addicts and alcoholics with this story. Even people like me, with decades of sobriety.
I also hope you know that the only people who can truly understand the behavior of a drug addict or alcoholic are other drug addicts and alcoholics. Please unburden yourself, if you haven't already, from the need to truly understand why your brother did what he did. That is something unattainable for someone who doesn't share our disease.
93
@Balogún, what a kind and thoughtful thing to write. Thank YOU for reaching out to the author of this beautiful piece, offering solace and comfort. As the sibling of a (long deceased) former alcoholic, I found your words hit home.
28
@Balogún I had no experience with this sort of thing. Personally, I refuse to take anything that at all changes my perception of reality. Then I fell in love with a former football player who had PTSD and a history of alcoholism and RX drug abuse. He hid it well. I am a very strong, courageous woman, and having no experience was convinced I could turn him around. So after about 5 relapses, I smartly walked away. You cannot change anyone unless you lock them up permanently. He's over 50 now and says he is sober, but I have no interest. It's not just sobriety but it affected his personality -- which is suspicious and downtrodden and blaming. No thank you. I can now smell an addict miles away. If you want to ruin your own life with your cowardice so be it, but mine is way too precious to give you a minute.
3
Thank you, you so eloquently said what I couldn’t manage to choke out upon reading this story. Thank you for your sobriety.
2
This is a beautifully written piece. Your words have moved so many people who are suffering from grief, confusion, and helplessness. Your brother's last mark may, in fact, be made through your voice and the impact it has on people who are hurting all over the country.
Blessings to you and your family - may you find peace and hold his memory in light.
29
@Laney This is also a beautifully written piece. Thank You.
7
I've never been compelled to comment on an article before. Thank you for your story, Ms. Cowie. I lost my brother to an overdose a few weeks ago, and this resonated with me so much. I, too, have been noticing inanimate objects, realizing they have outlived my brother. Part of me feels like if I hold them tight I can return to the time before his mental health and substance abuse problems took hold. I'm so sorry for your loss.
53
“Even in our sleep,
The pain falls drop by drop upon the heart,
Until, in our despair,
And against our will,
Comes wisdom, through the awful grace of God.”
Aeschylus
64
@TC oh. How lovely, and how sad. Thank you
2
Drug addiction,mental health issues,obesity,lack of basic education and civic understanding,the working poor,students graduating with huge school loans,etc,is a cancer that his eating away at the very soul of our society.My heart goes out to Ms Cowie.Please keep speaking and writing about your brother.You might convince a politician that we do have a problem
21
Thank you for sharing your story. Our family has suffered the loss of so many by death and the curse of addiction. My sister tried to end her own life so many times, finally to be taken at the hands of another in her own home (never proven, but most likely drug related). Her son cleaned up her bloodstains in her rental home. I miss her every day. And l, like your father am thankful that at least, even with her violent murder, we knew where she was. She suffered so much throughout her life, that she would say so often, “I just want to sleep.” .... Now she sleeps forever in my mind. Thank you again.
37
I am so sorry for your loss. This poignant thoughtful eulogy means a great deal to many who live your story.
22
Beautifully written article. I lost a sibling to heroin and while there are similar feelings at play, each situation is unique. It sounds as if you were much more involved in your brother's addiction than I ever was with my sister. I can't imagine the feelings of helplessness you must have felt. My sister was very good at hiding her addiction from the family. Of course, I think my family also did a pretty good job of not wanting to see the reality. My parents did a lot of "if only we did . . ." but I really believe that you can't help someone get clean who doesn't want to. I don't think my sister ever really wanted to.
22
I very much appreciate you sharing the long road you traveled with a sibling. Both my wife and I lost our brothers from drug related causes, after living through a slow agonizing journey
with two beautiful men. Eleven years later I feel comforted that he is no loner in pain.
29
I understand the mixture of anger and sorrow and love that you express. In 2016, my sister died from complications of alcoholism. I still can't talk about her without those feelings of anger coming to the surface. That makes me feel guilty. I love her and miss her, too. It's so complicated.
I'm sorry for your loss.
48
Thank you for sharing your powerfully written story. It’s amazing how quickly some are addicted and never want for anything else except the high again. I am so sorry for your loss.
9
sorry for your loss.
13
More than 70,000 people die every year from illegal drug use – the majority due to accidental overdoses caused by unknown potency. The answer may lie in legalizing all recreational narcotics following the same standards as alcohol.
The alcohol prohibition of 100 years ago worked about as well as drug prohibition is working today.
Permitting licensed retail outlets that buy a costly permit to sell narcotics would put an end to virtually all drug sales to anyone under 21. A purchase tax would more than pay the cost of rehab. Overdoses will significantly decrease when users know exactly how much they're taking.
Prohibiting adults from putting substances into their own bodies is a recipe for failure. Drug laws have given us organized crime, for-profit businesses like private prisons feeding at the government trough and unregulated “rehab” centers charging astronomical fees for continuous failures they laughingly refer to as “frequent flyers.” The DEA forces doctors to stop prescribing opiates to chronic pain patients but is helpless against the flood of powerful illegal fentanyl pouring into America.
The so-called “war on drugs” was lost before it began. Overseas fentanyl manufacturers are getting rich off our national urge to punish those seeking “unearned pleasure” by escaping from the trauma that drove them to begin using.
The last few years have proven we cannot arrest our way out of the illegal narcotics epidemic.
34
@Kris Aaron "The answer may lie in legalizing all recreational narcotics following the same standards as alcohol." What standards? There is no limit to how much you can buy or drink. I've seen people literally drink themselves to death, granted it is a longer slower process.
I dont disagree with decriminalizing drugs, but you have the misbelief that by legalizing them the problem can be controlled. It cant and wont be.
9
@LesISmore After drugs were decriminalized in Portugal, and the money used for incarceration turned toward rehab, addiction rates fell dramatically, so please -- no arguments that there is no empirical evidence that legalization doesn't reduce addiction.
29
@HKGuy Yes. But legalization must be done thoughtfully. It's the whole picture, as you describe in Portugal. You can't just decriminalize and pocket the money saved on incarceration. That money must be used for resources to make things better. Too often our elected officials just see a pot of money and crow about the savings.
15
After getting out of drug rehab for the umpteenth time in 1987, my brother was so depressed he jumped in front of a vehicle on I205 in Portland and died instantly. I was attending graduate school in Montana at the time and was called by the Clackamas County sheriff. When the sheriff said, "Do you know ...?" I immediately responded with "Is he dead?"
He was only 29 but had been addicted to heroin for years. I would cringe when the phone rang late at night because I knew it was him wanting something; usually money. The last time, a few months before his suicide, he called for money I said, "The only thing I want to hear about you in the future is of your death. Don't ever call again."
The sheriff called me versus our mother (she had a different last name so not easily connected to my brother) because the only thing he had on his body at the time of death was a note in his wallet with my name and phone number.
After returning to graduate school, a drug and alcohol counselor said to me, at a whisper, "It's okay to feel relieved your brother is dead." The world lifted off of my shoulders when she said that. She knew what I was going through and I did feel relieved ... no more late night phone calls pleading for money, calls from the hospital emergency room, or calls from the county jail asking to be bailed out.
I've spent 20 years working with homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted adolescents. His suicide was not my fault. I know that. It still hurts.
151
Thank you Kevin for your service to our country by working with addicted youth. I’m so sorry for your loss.
9
@Kevin No Kevin, it wasn't you fault. Not at all. You didn't cause his addiction, you couldn't control it, and God knows you couldn't cure it. Addicts (like myself) can get better and control their "Disease". But it takes a lot of work, a lot of help, and a whole lot of desire. We're not ready until we're ready. I'm sorry for your loss.
8
@Kevin
Wow - reading your words/thoughts just felt like looking at a bleeding wound. So laid open for the world to see. What that person said to you about it being okay to feel relieved was spot on. I watched our son’s best friend go through all of the years of family trauma with his addicted brother, then watched him at his brother’s funeral. The expressions on his face would have taken a hundred photos to register his emotions. Anger, disappointment, surrender, despair, guilt, utter grief.
I hope someday that relief will feel okay to him. And I hope it is well with your soul too.
11
Thank you Purdue. How many billions did you make off of this. Yet CNN endorses every drug possibly concocted by running commercials nonstop. Drugs are ok is the message. I know too many families destroyed, even by the legal drugs. Enough already. Has anyone checked-what is phyzer selling at markey open? We are all to blame.
5
@one percenter I have never seen an ad on CNN for opiates. Not all drugs are destructive, although Big Pharma does have blood on their hands with regard to the opiate epidemic.
10
@one percenter Sorry it's not just Purdue. People have been getting high and trying to escape reality for eons. How about alcohol, heroin, and so on?
More and more, people are immature personalities, and cowards and do not want to put with one minute of unhappiness, anxiety, and disappointment. Run, run, run and try to feel better ASAP all the time no matter what. I am prone to anxiety. I got well when I gave up trying to control that and accepted that it would ebb and flow. Accepting the ups and downs of life is human.
2
@one percenter What makes you think a TV network accepting an FDA-approved ad is somehow "endorsing" it?
1
Dear Ms. Cowie,
Your essay has done more to eulogize and remember your brother than any of his possessions possibly could. It is beautifully written and heartfelt.
With drug addiction and suicide, it often seems like "the name dies before the man."
Your words will keep his memory alive and help other people struggling with this plague.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Jonathan Penn
61
Heartbreaking. Thank you for being brave enough to put these painful words on paper.
17
With kids in the house....
“The detective had warned me that each item I’d collected from my brother’s home could contain enough fentanyl to kill a person. But I kept the bags and suitcases in the crawl space of my home for months.l
1
@Mark Grief can destroy reason. Luckily no one was hurt. She didn't need to tell us that detail, and admitting it was brave.
42
@P
I agree. Behaving a little irrationally at times is also part of grieving, and Ms. Cowie is honest in including this detail. And presumably her children, who seem to be quite young, were not going to have access to a crawl space. People should really try harder not to be so judge-y especially when they are not in the same boat.
28
@Mark The children were not going into the crawl space. The author clearly was being attentive to the danger, as evidenced by the fact that she mentioned it.
4
Amber, this was so beautifully written and I can relate! I shared this with my brother today and told him I thank God every day for his sobriety. This could have been him 28 years ago. I am so grateful opiates were not as prevalent then. He struggled with cocaine and then meth. He has worked the the Program every day for those 28 years after many relapses and sponsors men who are earlier in their recovery. He says he doesn't do it for them; he does it for himself. He says it reminds him how he never again wants to return to that misery.
68
My son died after years of drug and alcohol abuse. We had to ask him to leave our home after he started a kitchen fire and then was smoking in our garage while huffing gasoline meant for the lawnmower. We slept with our wallets and car keys under our mattress for years. He was “treatment resistant”, having been in over a dozen rehabs. He left the sober house where he was living because he was tired of people telling him what to do. Unlike the writer’s brother, our son had no possessions when he was found on the street, just the dirty clothes he was wearing. We brought him home and had an open casket because we had to see him to believe he was really dead. He was groomed and dressed in beautiful clothes, we wanted to give him back his dignity. The scars left by his addiction are forever etched upon our hearts, never to be removed.
85
I am living with this fear and hope as the Mom of a struggling young adult. This essay brought tears to my eyes as I know and understand the before and during; I pray there will be a post.
Thank you for sharing.
29
@V People DO recover from opiate addiction and go on to lead fulfilling lives. I know a few. I hope your ending is a happy one. God Bless.
22
@Marion Evans Thank you for writing, and I am so sorry for your loss.
Our son was on that path for 15 years. At some point he decided he wanted to live. I don't know what made him choose that, perhaps it struck him that he would die very soon if he didn't change. I am afraid to ask him.
1
Thank you for writing so beautifully about the horror of watching someone you love dying in slow motion. My brother developed profound depression with psychosis in his mid-50's, and we worked so hard for three years to keep him alive. The visits to psychiatrists and therapists, the fleeting hope when we found a residential treatment program for him...your story reminds me so much of that terrible phase of his life. At the end, his eyes were tired--like his soul was gone, and his body was just catching up. There is a comfort in knowing a loved one is no longer suffering. I hope you find peace.
45
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing your story. I can so relate. My younger brother is about to turn 60, I'm amazed that he's survived this long as he has been dealing with addiction-mental health-brain trauma-homelessness issues for over 2/3 of his lifetime. It is a roller coaster. On the night we were celebrating my daughter's wedding, he overdosed on heroin that was probably tainted... but he was rescued with Narcan. His comment to me later was that he was taking 4 breaths per minute and would have survived regardless. God bless you and your family.
15
7 months ago my oldest daughters longtime boyfriend died of a fentanyl overdose after years of being addicted to heroin. He was 30. The day he died was the worst day of my life. They live in another state so I knew nothing of his drug addiction until that moment and I am struggling every day to understand what he and my daughter and his family went through watching him slowly fade away. We loved him so much and thought he would always be a part of our family. I often think how fortunate I am to only have good memories of him but my heart breaks for my daughter and all she experienced alone. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Your piece has helped me greatly on my journey towards understanding the suffering that he and so many people struggle with everyday. Thank you.
65
It’s a constant sorrow to watch our loved ones erase who they are with drugs. Our sorrow can not be easily erased. Thanks for sharing your journey. A beautiful piece.
37
I’ve cleaned up the blood myself. Thank you for writing this. Healing from this type of loss comes slowly, and your words have helped.
60
@Kathryn West Me too...I can't describe the horror I felt when the landlord finally unlocked the door to my daughter's apartment at 2:00 a.m. and I found her blood everywhere... We were lucky-her stoned/drunk suicide attempt was the intervention she needed to make serious changes and 16 years later, she makes me proud every day...its been awhile since I've "felt it", but reading this article and reading your comment grabbed me like nothing has in a long time...I am one of the lucky ones.
34
This is a beautifully written piece that captures the agony of drug addiction of a loved one and its impact on family. However, when Ms. Cowie laments that she paid a cleaning company to “erase” her brother, she is too hard on herself. Her brother’s addiction erased him years before.
150
A story that takes a lot of courage to write and on my end even a bit challenging to read. The most conflicting and sad component is to want to keep your brother’s possessions, as an emotional way of feeling that he is still with you but at the same time the detective advising you to dispose of the items because they may contain residual of fentanyl that can kill a person. Just the thought of this made me both sad and angry. My prayers go to her and her family because this is a situation that is hitting closer and closer to home. It happens everywhere and anywhere, drugs don’t discriminate in any way sadly. More awareness, education and help to those going through these addictions is much needed and less stigmatization most importantly. Thank you again for sharing.
27
it is to me a sad irony that millions of third world citizens are physically escaping while millions of first world citizens are mentally escaping.
80
@cp drugs are a problem in all worlds, not just the 1st. I heard about some village in N. Korea where the majority of the adult population smokes crystal meth. Then there’s chewing kath in large swaths of the Middle East.
4
My brother, too. His life ended in intentional suicide, he hated what the drugs did but couldn't stop. Thank you for writing about your bother, we loved them so much.
118
Th basic preamble to the 12-Step program of Narcotics Anonymous --
Who is an addict?
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and
thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—the getting and using and finding ways
and means to get more.
We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and
progressive illness whose ends are always the same -- jails, institutions, and death.
Unfortunately - the story of Ms. Cowie's brother depicts a classic - and tragic - example of that concept --
And - those who know the experience of trying to help a loved one caught in the throes of this disease - are too well aware that - while you can toss a rope or life preserver to a drowning person - you cannot force them to grab it - and - in the end - are powerless to prevent them from drowning...
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I lost my only sibling (my brother) when he was 37. He had struggled with both addiction and mental illness for years, but his death was a complete surprise to everyone. We assumed it was an overdose, but an autopsy found no cause of death. Still, the last year especially of his life was very tough, in and out of hospitals and growing more and more ill. Attempts to get help were sometimes met with abject cruelty (an ER doctor who told him to go home and have a drink, another doctor who refused to treat him because of his self reported history of addiction). Worst of all to me, as his sister, was the knowledge that I had distanced myself from him to such an extent that I didn't even bother to call him.
Now, nearly 17 years later, I accept many of the failings in myself that I refused to confront when he was alive -- and I also see my brother's good heart, creativity, intelligence, humor so much more clearly than I did when he was alive. I wish I had been as good of a sister as you clearly were. I can tell you, though, that the grief (and anger) gets so much easier to bear over time, as my mind turns more and more to all the reasons I miss him and loved him and dwells less and less on everything that went wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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@txpacotaco Beautiful letter.
Thank you for sharing. Your letter helped me.
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@txpacotaco - I lost my brother to a heroin overdose 45 years ago - 1974 - and in the years since have developed many of the same feelings and perspectives you have - my minds turns to what was good...
I've also come to believe that my brother's passing was an answer to my parent's and siblings prayers - of course his death was not the answer we wanted, but it was an answer, a resolution that although difficult to accept, marked a new course in all of our lives.
I'm so so sorry for your loss and the writer's loss.
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@txpacotaco Please don’t blame yourself. You cannot change an addict’s behavior, it’s like trying to stop a run away train with a butterfly net. You can only offer help and if they refuse you have to step away. God gives us free will and the Constitution gives us the right to exercise it. Addicts make their own choices and the people they leave behind are collateral damage.
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A very powerful piece. Thank you.
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This was an amazing article, beautifully written. I feel so badly for people with an addictive personality, it a demon that chases them through dark and deep places. I was sexually abused at the age of 12 by a relative and when I told my trusted elders they blamed me for “seducing” him. My parents swept it under the rug and I’m now 43 years old and still trying to to get past my pain. I am a lawyer, a mother and a wife. I thank my lucky stars that I don’t like alcohol or drugs. I’ve tried all of them and they never did anything for me so I moved on. The point being my brain is wired differently, it’s not that I am a better person or more worthy. I feel that is the most tragic aspect of it all, the cruelty of genetics and fate.
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@S
You do not need to have any particular kind of personality to become the victim of abuse of legal or illegal drugs. We all respond to drugs differently, and more than personality the physical side of us are just as able to be prone to becoming addicted. With heavy duty drugs it takes no time at all, as with heroin or other opioids and with our common valium it is now said that 2 weeks of use should not be exceeded for risk of causing dependence that is often hard to break.
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@Petras
Ditto for all the benzodiazepines. In most cases they should not be used for more than a few days or at most a couple of weeks, or on a very occasional, as-needed basis. A lot of doctors have been very slow to understand this but believe me, you are better safe than sorry with the valium, klonopin, Ativan, Xanax, etc.
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@Petras I can speak to this being absolutely true through my own recent experience. I had foot surgery nearly 2 weeks ago and was prescribed Vicodin for pain. I absolutely needed it and took it for about 5 days every 4 hours. It was a low dose and I was told that if needed I could double it. I aimed to stop taking it as soon as possible due to a history of addiction in my family. I stopped taking it and a day and a half later started experiencing withdraw symptoms after only taking it for 5 days. That’s it. Five days is all it took for my body to become addicted to it. I was shocked. The symptoms were not terrible but considering the history in my family totally shook me up. It is shocking how quickly and easily dependence can develop.
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Thank you for writing this. It underscores the aspects of addiction that are similar to terminal illness, with the family that can see it coming from miles away and starts grieving way in advance and the general uncertainty of the addicted person's prognosis. This article reminded me of a recent article written in the NYT about how depression can be like terminal cancer. Sometimes there is no cure.
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Sorry for your loss and this was a very heartfelt piece. It reinforced what I’ve felt for a long time. If you’re a non-addict, you simply don’t understand an addict. I don’t. I always want to say well, stop using drugs, stop smoking, stop eating so much. It’s easy for me because I’m not an addict and I struggle to understand those who are. I cannot relate and I wonder if that’s just one more problem in society. We don’t make laws that would help addicts because non-addicts are the ones making the rules.
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I am so, so sorry for the loss of your brother. Which clearly started years before he died.
My mother became addicted to opioids years ago. She manages her addiction and will probably never die from it directly, but she stopped being herself years ago to keep feeling the stupor. She claims she is clean, but after years of her lying about her addiction, i am numb, and prefer that to trying to trust her again. It is very hard not to feel rejected by someone who chooses drugs over their family, even though you rationally know it isn’t really a choice.
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One of the very best pieces I’ve ever read about addiction, & the searingly painful destruction it leaves in its wake. Truly stunning.
I hope you know that you were a devoted sister. Hold fast to what happy memories you have, & the children he left behind.
They are going to need you very much as they mature.
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Many of the comments so far suggest that there must be a reason for the addictions that take so many lives. And, I'm sure that is sometimes true, that abuse can lead to a need to escape from the traumatic experiences by whatever means possible. But that can also be too simple an explanation, because we need a "reason" for why this could happen. The reality may be far more complex and hard to explain. Research suggests that some of us are born with brains that, for whatever reason, are just more susceptible to addiction. We have a long way to go to understand that part of it.
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I'd like to echo the observation made by @Pamela L - childhood sexual abuse is an incredibly common foundational experience to addicts and alcoholics, as is physical abuse by a parent. Drugs and alcohol make everything 'seem ok' for a little while.
I have heard this story a thousand times in AA meetings. I'm not in recovery myself, although I certainly have the genetics that should predispose me to addiction - but, I often attend open AA meetings with 2 of my siblings who are alcoholics and sadly were both sexually abused as young children by a neighbor. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm not an addict is that I was spared that kind of traumatic experience as a kid.
We need to stop those cycles of physical and sexual abuse to have any hope of reducing substance abuse.
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This is a heartbreaking piece and superbly written.
My neighbor died recently. He succumbed to a slow, torturous death at the hands of alcohol and meth. In actuality, he committed suicide by continuing to use these drugs after his doctors told him he would die if he didn't stop.
There are a myriad of triggers for people who choose to use drugs. In his case, it was a childhood familial sexual trauma that sent him down the road to his demise. There was nothing any of us: family, friends, neighbors or strangers, could do to help him. He was hellbent on his own destruction.
Please don't erase your brother's memory. He mattered, just as my neighbor mattered. I draw strength from knowing I tried to help him and even though I wasn't successful, the effort has made me a better person.
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This article palpably expresses the deeply exhausting frustration and pain and helplessness of having a loved family member on the self-destructive path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is heartbreaking all around. So many families are dealing with this tragedy right now.
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This is a beautiful piece of writing.
Thank you for sharing.
May your brother rest in peace.
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I was in Vancouver in late June this year, for the first time. It was one of the most beautiful cities I've been in, and I've traveled a bit. The street people scene/debacle there was one of the most tragic things I'd seen in a very long time. It seems that some folks are not meant to get old.
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Thank you for writing this. It's beautifully told and offered me insights into both you and your brother
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