A parent of an adolescent girl has a responsibility to discuss her clothing choices based upon the context of specifically where she will be wearing the outfit. A revealing bikini on a beach is safer than the same outfit, perhaps with a pair of short shorts, as she crosses the street and goes into a convenience store. An outfit which is appropriate in California might create quite a stir on the streets of Latin countries or rural settings in the United States. There is a difference between being "right" (she is not responsible for the reactions of others) and being "smart" (will she put herself in harms way based upon the environment and attitudes of others). Encourage her to have "layers" of clothing available based upon the circumstances of the moment. Read with her "Trip Advisor" clothing recommendations for various travel destinations. Transfer those tips to various local environments. Protect her freedom of choice and her right to safety dependent upon her the attitudes of others in various environments.
Possibly, it's worth talking to daughters about Billie Eilish. Very talented and successful and she makes a point to wear huge, baggy clothing to challenge the patriarchy.
1
@T SB "to challenge the patriarchy"
Oy.
Obviously, given the way women dress, this "challenge" isn't working very well.
'You could also add that, even if your daughter feels ready to send those signals into the world, “I’m not sure that I’m ready for you to have to deal with all the reactions that could come your way.”'
This is such messed up advice. "Ready to send those signals to the world"? I don't care what age you are; deliberately promoting sexuality in your everyday interactions is unhealthy. Are you trying to titillate random store clerks, bus drivers, neighbors, and co-workers? Why does a woman want to highlight her chest and behind at the office by squeezing into tight clothes and tottering about in high heels that are wildly unsuited for actually walking around comfortably? Women of all ages need to get a grip on who they are and what they are doing when they push T&A in their daily attire. Now cue the outraged, irrational rationalizations claiming this has nothing to do with sexuality, or I dress this way for me, not for others.
5
@Teal Remember that young women and men have a waterfall of new emotions, sexual ones, to learn to live with. If they don't learn to stop and think and understand when in their teens, they will continue the strange behavior those feelings give rise to. Your screed will not help anyone who needs to understand the signals they send out. And it will infuriate women who have had to put up with your attitude for eons.
2
While I agree with the therapists advice, I have a question. Who is buying the inappropriate clothing in the first place?
5
I continue to be grateful for having gone to a school that required uniforms. The whole point was for our achievements to shine.
11
Parents should try to focus conversations with growing girls on everything but appearance -- school, friends, sports, developing her intellect, spirituality, volunteering, work, etc. Then she will grow up knowing what really matters in life and won't be as obsessed with appearance.
6
Thank you for the thoughtful response to this difficult issue.
Wearing revealing clothing is something women do for attention, especially men’s attention. While never an excuse to harass or worse, it’s disingenuous not to expect sexual-based attention when you dressed with that goal in mind.
The “it’s just skin” crowd need to ask themselves if they’d send their daughter to school in a thong bikini, for example. Clothing carries a lot of cultural — and for women, sexual — messages, at least in this very imperfect world.
6
I have a teenage daughter. It's a relief the she has no desire to sexualize herself for the approval of boys. I chalk this up to very frank discussions about her value and self-worth as a person, and what makes a person important, from a very early age. But, I might just have gotten lucky. By the time they get to be teens, it is way too late to try to control the sources of their self-worth.
6
The one thing that children need to be taught, both girls and boys is that people will either see you or your clothing. If you want them to see you, your clothing needs to be not the first thing that impresses them. I dressed my two daughters in generally unisex infant and toddler clothing, they transitioned themselves to basic but somewhat girlish clothing and then fairly tailored adult styles. We had a few intense conversations some about perception vs reality, but always with the understanding that smart is better than sexy, and my house my rules; when you grow up your house will be your rules, and if your friends make comments you can always blame your horribly strict mom.
16
How do you tell her without shaming her? You don't. Leave her alone.
9
Exactly! She should be able to freely express herself without all this antiquated judgement!
2
@Thinker Exactly!
@Carol My thoughts exactly! As long as she isn't getting into something really horrible and unsafe! She should be able to express herself.
When I was 13 in 1968, my mom bought me "beautiful" dresses, skirts and frilly blouses. I only wanted to wear jeans and t-shirts. Now that I am 64, I still only want to wear jeans and t-shirts! I won!!
18
Why not have a conversation with the kid? Ask her why she likes what she likes and then guide her towards something that is more age appropriate? We do a lot of guessing about why kids do what they do but asking them about their thoughts and actions allows them to express their voice. Empowering them to make better choices gives them a sense of control.
17
How about saying "you're the child, I'm the mother, and I say you are not dressing like that. Period. End of discussion.
23
As the article says, the child will leave the house in an outfit you approve and change into something you don’t approve as soon as she is out of your sight. Oldest trick in the book.
9
@Nina You're right, that would be the end of the discussion, in that you would no longer have room to talk to your daughter about it again because she will have blocked you out. That's how you get sneaky behavior, not compliance.
25
Am I missing something?
What about the girl's father, grandfather?
Do any men in her life have input?
My son in law wouldn't permit his daughters dressing this way and he would explain why.
The trouble in the United States is the lack of honest sex education.
9
@Mary Many people feel that having men command the sexual exprssion of their daughters, sets up their daughter to follow what other men in her life tell her to do( like a boyfriend). And those other men may really not have her best best interest at heart. When the daughter does not have an internal understanding, or ownership of her sexuality, it can make her more susceptible to being influenced by others. Having complex conversations, asking what she thinks about sexuality on TV, or amongst friends, can help her develop tools to know who she is, and what she wants. That is a stronger foundation for her then someone telling her what to do.
17
@Kathleen
How do people buy into this misshapen, everything is victimization world view?
A Dad is a parent. Who better to explain male sexuality to their daughter? Setting boundaries AND explaining them is exactly what a parent should do.
3
I know an American woman who converted to Islam. She shrouds her body and that of her 8 year old daughter in voluminous drapery and pin-tight head wrapping. It disturbs me to see them, particularly knowing the mother is a victim of domestic violence and inflicts this violence on her daughter. When women’s bodies are shamed or considered the cause of men’s violence, is it any surprise their prison garb is the result?
12
I volunteer with childcare and love seeing tiny girls dressed up in dazzling sparkly clothes - all about decoration with sequins, hologram glitter, and wonderful colour combinations.
they are enjoying a wonderland of choice - a form of play - learning how they look - with feedback from peers - they learn what looks good in them - nice legs will choose to show them - whatever best shows their best features
as for dealing with boys reactions, a lot of that is other behavioural training - my favourite high-EQ girl, when confronted by a rambunctious boy suddenly getting in her face, would shout 'HEY!!!' - then pull back to a dazzling smile - totally effective and disarming.
girls I see who dress beautifully typically learn along the way - from first reactions from peers - how to manage unwanted attention.
girls who succumb to predators often fail to detect and respond safely to the early signals they might have learned earlier - if they had tested out the daring clothes in the safety of their friends peer group.
8
@Frank I take your point but should girls really be obsessing about clothes/looks at such a young age? It seems to be happening earlier and earlier and to me sends the wrong message about priorities.
20
What. The. Heck.
11
@Frank
10 year old girls who learned to manage 10 year old boys are in no way prepared to manage 19 year old men when they are provocatively dressed 13 year olds.
The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is have a father (or father figure) explain to the teen girl what is really going on sexually in the minds young men.
As a young teen, I thought boys were showering me with attention because they “liked me” and wanted to be my friend. Yes. Seriously.
5
How about buying you daughter really nice less revealing clothing?
5
@David J. Krupp
You can buy it, but that doesn't mean they will wear it. The money just goes down the drain.
12
This is land mine area; Just how revealing is too revealing. Girls are entering the competition far too young because all girls are doing it. The next question is, how far is too far?
In HS in Houston, TX, one of the 9th grade football jocks already had 2 kids, he went on to have more before graduation. I wish that US parents could see the dress of too many Asian girls. even Muslim, just to see where this may all proceed to. Though over here, going the step to actual intercourse is not a regular thing, the hypnotic message of Hollywood has that as a soon step.
As most of us foreigners stay away from most of it, it is clear that 2 weeks after Barbie is wearing it in the States, Latifa is also wearing it over here.
There is so much danger and it is a danger for all, even the boys.
Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving
1
How about, "No." ... in a non-judgemental yet parental way.
11
As a teen in the 1960's I had no idea the effect of mini-skirts on the male teachers as we sat in class. To my daughter's credit, she wore a mini-skirt in class 30 years later and was very uncomfortable and never did again. It can be difficult to find clothing for girls that is appropriate.
10
@JaneM
It's sad that you think your skin and your miniskirt were the problem instead of a grown man staring at and being sexually aroused by a minor.
It's just skin, and hormones aren't an excuse for men to not control themselves. If they can't they need to learn, and they especially shouldn't be working with minors.
32
@Lexis - A 17 year old girl in a mini-skirt is sexually appealing to 100% of men who are attracted to women ... even to the ones who deny it. We are all operating on the same basic hardware, and it's not going to change until there is some fundamental change in human evolution. You can choose to live in a fantasy world if you want to, but to pretend like it's only some perverts who would find a underage girl provocatively dressed attractive is being ridiculous.
"It's just skin" is true, and men being attracted to it based on millions of years of evolution is also true, and your faux outrage as if everyone everywhere doesn't already know this is comical at best.
3
Great, thoughtful advice that sadly will be ignored by the daughter who depends on Instagram “likes” to direct her clothing (and other) choices. Because Social Media clout is the driving force behind outward appearance for young girls. Parents have a hard enough job of getting their teens to understand the importance of their SAT scores — now they have to insert the perceived ramifications of attire that mimics Ariana, Beyoncé, Cardi abs now Lizzo. SIGH.
7
How is a 13 year old girl affording to pay for her own clothes? What kind of style of dress does her mother wear? Having not raised a daughter but now have an 8 year old granddaughter, I take her clothes shopping and act as her fashion stylist. I will continue to do so as she enters her teen years and can assure you all that she will always look tasteful and age appropriate.
16
LOL!—she’s 8! Wait til she is 13. If you can get her into clothes you choose by then, she’ll leave the house and put on whatever she wants in the school bathroom. Enjoy the “control” while you can, and since you currently have her attention, teach her about respecting herself/others, physical boundaries and being responsible for the context/environment she finds herself in. In other words, don’t yell “fire” in a crowded theatre or meat around your neck in a tiger cage....
12
@Sharon Salzberg I suspect that when your granddaughter enters her teen years, she will likely select her own clothes on line or at the mall accompanied by her friends. She will likely not be receptive to her Grandma acting as her stylist.
13
What to say is no. Parents in charge are what children need.
29
Here’s an opinion from me, a mother of 5 boys (who range in age from 29 to 13), who once was a teenaged girl that loved fashion and tight jeans in the 80’s. How about teach daughters how to dress tastefully, fashionably and with style WITHOUT looking trashy? It’s not hard!!! Get a full length mirror, and ask your daughter to actually look at herself in it - from the front and behind. Then ask her - does she looks classy or trashy? Don’t be afraid to tell her if she looks too sexualized or even just downright sloppy. If parents would start acting as role models and parents, not their kids’ friend, perhaps there would be more respect to go around. Self-respect, respect for their own bodies and appearance, and for other people. Trust me - not a single one of my sons thinks a girl who dresses in crop tops, ripped skintight jeans, short shorts or tight leggings that show every detail of their anatomy is at all interesting- because these girls clearly don’t respect themselves. Also - be a good fashion role model - take pride in your own appearance, and your kids just might take the hint. I apply the same rules to my sons - no low hanging pants, no rips, no vulgarity on T shirts, etc. Piercings, tattoos, etc are something you can get when you’re over 18.
Moms and Dads - please tell your daughters that the most attractive and sexiest thing they can show off is their brains and intelligence! What does Judge Judy always say? Beauty fades, but dumb is forever.
52
@ThomasK I think you missed the point of this article. The culture you (and I) grew up in has changed. Teenage girls idolize pop stars who ooze sexuality. They are their role models and no amount of telling girls they look "trashy" will get through. It's not a matter of self-respect at all. The advice given here is to open a dialogue with girls, getting them to see themselves from a variety of points of view and then make their own choices.
24
@Linda, the models I and my friends looked up to in the 60s were Twiggy and Jean Shrimpton. Thigh-high mini-skirts were all the rage, but if mom and dad said "no" that was it. Parents should take charge and lead the way. Children don't raise themselves.
5
@ThomasK
Conversely, how about teaching your sons that they should treat all others, girls and boys, how they would like to be treated, no matter how they are dressed.
29
I think it is far more important to teach our children that what we wear sends a message and that message can absolutely be disrespect. I was saddened when my director held interviews for undergraduate assistant positions a few months back. Here were 18 and 19 year old girls who didn't know not to dress provocatively for a job interview. I can't help but wonder if their parents had simply said, "You shouldn't dress like that ever. Period. You look ridiculous," if they might be gainfully employed right now.
35
There’s nothing wrong with some strategically applied shame; that can prevent people from making fools of themselves or endangering themselves by adopting a persona that others see as exploitable or threatening. Certainly a reasoned, well thought out conversation with a child is best but that’s not usually how it works out. The idea that any criticism of anything is harmful “shaming” has caused more harm than good.
37
I grew up with a strict Latina mother and a firm idea of what was appropriate clothing and behavior. I held my daughter to the same standard. I was the purchaser of her clothes which we picked out together and had the final say. There was nothing in her wardrobe that could be considered inappropriate. My children went to a private high school, a k-12 Country Day School, where the dress code was; no t-shirts with advertising and if your undergarments were exposed you were sent home. Thereby eliminating tank tops, shirts with beer logos, and boys boxers or girls thongs showing. That helped take the onus off the parents.
I believe you are the parent and setting rules is your job. An explanation of why is helpful but not required. Today my daughter is a successful celebrity stylist and personal shopper. And she never looks inappropriate!
62
@Stefanie , reminds me of the signs outside many restaurants, smart cafes and hotels here which have a sign "no thongs allowed", at which U.S. tourists are taken aback.
Until, that is, they find out that here, thongs are what you call flipflops.
8
I hope the day will come when everyone will be able to wear whatever they want without other people thinking or saying their clothing is sending some kind of message.
When I was young, people would complain when I wore something revealing and these same people would also complain when I wore sweats. I think learning to not subscribe overweening meaning to our clothes is something all parents should learn and teach their children.
Neither my son nor my daughter should think that certain clothes necessarily mean or indicate sexual availability. Indeed, they should have either a consensual conversation or relationship with a person in order to determine that.
41
@Morgan I had to scroll way too far down to find a comment like yours.
The thing with "provocative" dress is that by calling it that it's implied that the clothing is inviting stares, harassment, and assault. It's making it the girl's fault if she's harmed by someone else. It's absolutely disgraceful to see so many people here making it the girl's responsibility to not be assaulted or harassed by covering their skin, instead of teaching their sons to not harass people based on what they wear. The clothing I wear will never be an invitation, and neither will the clothing my daughters wear. Skin is not offensive or provocative unless you specifically intend for it to be, and even then it's still not an invitation for harassment. Every one has the same skin. I'll teach them that they can wear what they want, style of dress dependent on the situation of course, but that they should always be conscious to balance wearing what they want with the unfortunate truth that other people will judge them and possibly hurt them. After I teach them that, I'll teach them how to stand up and fight back.
We need to teach our daughters self-worth (and unfortunately self-defense), and we need to teach our sons to respect others. Building a respectful society starts at home, with parents teaching their children to be kind to others.
21
OMG—dream on! Neurobiology/psychology 101. Humans visual messaging is our most dominant form of communication. It is hardwired, and needed to be to avoid danger and death, however, once our higher brain function kicks in we do have the capacity to alter how we act on that visual signaling. We can no more stop a reaction of sexual interest than stop the pain of a stubbed toe. We can keep our reaction to ourselves though....
16
@Lexis
I know this is an old comment, but I wanted to say thank you. I was raised in a fundamentalist household were my autonomy was regularly withheld from me, and so many of these comments brought up such painful memories.
Why does it matter what a girl/woman wears, if she is kind, thoughtful and happy in her own skin?
I don't think a mini skirt ever caused a mass shooting. On the other hand, very well-dressed, modest senators are handing our children's lives over the predatory NRA.
14
One should also discuss how there are many men that will have plenty of nasty things say to a young woman (from 11 - early 20s) regarding their bodies and youth no matter what they are wearing. This is one of the most traumatizing things about being a very young woman.
89
@Risa. True. I'm in my 60s and I still remember the shock of being verbally attacked by boys I didn't even know simply because I was a female. It was a degrading and ugly experience that has stayed with me. How are young males still getting the message that this is ok?
23
I'm still having this discussion with my sensibly dressed now 20-something daughter about her friend's clothing choices. Her point of view is that women should wear whatever they want to feel however they want and it's a man's own problem how they respond. Except, I counter, there are differences in how hormones influence behavior and it can become a woman's problem if the man in question has never been taught or learned how to control himself socially. It doesn't take into account how testosterone influences men. This girl's male classmates are undergoing hormonal changes that can be very challenging to their undeveloped mental ability for impulse control. In our society some men never learn to control themselves and will just attempt to take what they want. Who wants that for any woman in the name of free choice in clothing? Also, not surprising Epstien involved with Victoria's Secret. I think Victoria's Secret is dispicable pornware designed by men for men -- when I see young women wearing their teen-targetted "PINK" branded clothing it is disturbing.
20
@Dee You seem to have a poor opinion of boys and men. Boys and girls should be taught that it is perfectly normal to have emotions. But they should not allow their emotions to have them. This is emotional discipline. They should learn to respect each other regardless of gender, race, disability; in other words, they should learn to accept and respect the diversity of this planet. This is understanding the nature of this world. We all have desires and we all need to learn to manage these desires. Which, of course means we should not allow our desires to manage us.
To be blunt, there are dogs that seem incapable of managing their desires and I am unsure why any parent wants their sons to grow up become a human version of that kind of dog.
20
@Dee You are pretty much saying that it is not the fault of the male if he is inappropriate towards a female because of testosterone. He can't control his hormones. So essentially men can behave however they want due to their raging hormones and poor upbringing and women must control their own behavior and appearance to prevent themselves from being treated inappropriately by a man.
Good Lord.
43
@Morgan and MJ
If only the issue were as black and white as you’re making it.
I thought Dee’s comment was nuanced and accurate. She never said or even implied that it’s the girl’s fault; rather, she cited boys and men never taught or willing to control themselves, and the powerful influence of testosterone on an immature brain.
Boys nowadays are steeped in porn, and cultural messages continually remind all of us that female bodies are commodities. Why dress in solidarity with that viewpoint? And like it or not, the double standard is alive and well, especially in middle and high school. I’ve seen how too-revealing outfits can be the impetus for malicious gossip and salacious lies, which can have a profoundly negative affect on girls.
It would be great if girls’ “I’ll do what pleases me” attitude extended to pushing back on what the clothing industry is dictating.
5
What I have found useful with my daughter is discussing honestly what is appropriate for her age. I tell her that such an outfit will look smashing on her when she is 20 and at a club. And I will absolutely endorse it then. Not for work then (assuming it is that kind of outfit). However right now, it isn't right. I am frank that it starts a conversation that she doesn't want right now. A conversation she can't handle now--at the very least because it will be not just with boys her own age. While I grant you she is not one of those girls hurrying to grow up, she is very opinionated about her clothing. Nonetheless it has worked very well. We also discuss which clothes are right for situations generally. So she understands all outfits cannot be used for a situations anyway. And if it doesn't work for her generally, I say that too, though gently and if she likes it anyway that's her choice. I'd also note there are lots of things I would frankly tell the children were not appropriate for whatever age they were in. So sexy clothing is simply one of many topics that fall into this concept.
39
Few young women, let alone girls just entering puberty, understand how deeply the porn industry has infused cruelty, degradation and dehumanization into male sexuality--and shaped female sexual display--and the enthusiasm with which so many men embrace and impose that upon women.
58
Oh, the proposed phrases to use to convince the daughter of not wearing sexy clothes are of utmost arrogance without empathy and love. If I had been the daughter I would have had stopped immediately to openly discuss clothes issues with this mother as I, and I think most girls do, knew very well which signals they send and it always is and was discussed in peer groups. I personally loved to play with different clothes it was like learning a language, very often I felt not strong enough for the kind of clothes in question hiding myself in shirts of my grandfather and over it a pullover not fully covering the shirt and felt alright. Teenagers are extremely aware of how they come across if not a mother can go out with hers and say we'll test this outfit, have lunch and look how people react, let's take some notes on the looks you get and if you like them, but I would be very careful with such a proposal, too, do not underestimate your daughters!
6
I didn't have time to have a calm discussion with my daughters if their clothes were inappropriate since these situations always occurred as they were rushing out the door, so I was basically screaming "You are NOT going out in THAT!" They probably figured out how to go out in THAT anyway, but at least they kind of understood that THAT should never be worn to family events or church or job interviews.
19
@MS. So true. When I tried to be sensible my daughters brushed it off, disarming me with some pseudo feminist argument. I rather live with being accused of body shaming but at least I get my message across. It’s just not ok to go to school with a crop top and daisy dukes. Somebody needs to tell them. Middle school years are the worst. It only gets better from there.
13
As a college student with high school aged younger sisters I am often in this position when clothes shopping with my sisters. I think it is completely necessary for parents/caregivers to explain to all kids what clothing is appropriate for what settings. My youngest sister loves crop tops that expose her stomach. I teach her that it's perfectly fine for her to wear those clothes around the house, to her friends' homes and even on errands to the shopping mall or while walking our dog. However, clothing that exposes her stomach is not appropriate for our grandparent's house, nice restaurants or school (especially college classes). Overly skimpy clothes to me are like wearing clearly dirty or ripped clothing, fine in low key settings, however they demonstrate a lack of maturity and respect in more formal settings (assuming the person has the resources to have clean clothing).
97
"So how do parents alert our daughter that her outfit might invite a response that she may not see coming and may not want?"
When my daughter was this age, her mother raised this issue in a practical, nonjudgemental manner. My daughter was smart enough to understand and take it to heart. Of course, we have always had an open relationship with her, where no topics are off limits. That's an important basis for any discussion of this sort.
13
My daughter had no idea what she was/could be signalling. (And I didn't, either, when I was younger). Just explaining how others could perceive them in our case has been enough.
73
Sure, let's pretend that -- at an age when all teen-aged girls at least know someone their age who is sexually active -- teen girls who wear sexy clothing are not dressing this way to get a rise out of boys (or other girls) or don't know that this is the inevitable result that will occur. And let's also pretend that, when these girls suggest that the problem lies "with the beholder, not the beheld," they are simply unaware of the scientific principle of cause and effect. Because what I will call "female privilege" means that females can be as duplicitous as they want to be, and males simply have to suffer the consequences in terms of distractions and rejections at co-ed schools and offices. QUESTION: Wouldn't single-sex schools and offices solve the problem?
10
@politicallyincorrect
The post isn't about all teenagers. The question and response is quite specific about a thirteen year old girl. Barely a teenager and quite young when it comes to understanding sexuality writ large and her own sexuality.
So your post leaps from a more than likely innocent 13yo girl getting to know her body through clothing and her own sexuality to knowing other teens who are sexually active (What does that have to do with anything at all?) to accusing teenage girls and women of some nonsense of female privilege.
Slow down. We're talking about a 13yo.
44
@politicallyincorrect "Because what I will call "female privilege" means that females can be as duplicitous as they want to be, and males simply have to suffer the consequences in terms of distractions and rejections at co-ed schools and offices."
Sounds like these males need to work on themselves: grow up, learn to cope with distraction and rejection which are inevitable in all aspects of adult life, and develop an internal locus of control.
100
I remember a conversation on this topic in college that I wish I had handled better.
We read a short story about a girl that wore high heels and it was scandalous. Our teachers were probably in their 50’s. I thought the story was absurd, but my teachers were closer to your opinion: that little girl was getting sexual attention and it was exactly what she was asking for by wearing heels.
Ask yourself what effect a 90 year old man wearing those risqué styles would have on you? What about a toddler? Ask yourself if a 5 year old should get shamed. What about 13? What about 16?
You can argue it’s “female privilege,” but guys can go topless at far more locations than girls are allowed. We don’t call them Johns.
The truth is, if you saw an adult guy friend tempted by an underage girl, it would be sleazy, whether she was wearing a sweater and jeans or lingerie.
It doesn’t make lingerie appropriate for most settings, like a wife beater, plumber pants, or a thong. There are not many appropriate places for indecent clothing. It’s risqué. It’s wise to halve a respectful talk about it to prevent misunderstandings.
But, even if there is no “misunderstanding” and it seems unfair to those men and women that are trying to stick to decent clothes and their studies or work, it shouldn’t be a setup for shaming or segregation.
Hopefully it provokes a good conversation. A guy her age that’s tempted could use a good conversation too. We can all better value our futures.
9
At thirteen, I think it's a lot more appropriate for a parent to police the child's clothes than for the child to choose clothing that is sexually alluring. As the author points out, "She might also be wearing revealing clothes in a deliberate effort to be alluring, but that doesn’t mean she understands how culturally freighted her racy look happens to be."
I remember blurting out to my daughter at around that age, "You cannot go out in that outfit. It signals sexual availability, which you are not." She turned wordlessly and went back to her room to change. I don't think we need to assume that girls are making a deliberate choice when they dress in a sexy way, especially very young teens. And even if they are, 13 is too dang young.
133
Ok, all you “put your foot down” mamas, now suppose the girl is 17 and on her way to college. Does your advice change? How do you keep her dressing the way you like when you’re not there?
3
@Uptown Sunni
Yes of course. Seventeen is not thirteen. Do you have kids?
I remember heading off to college at 17. I told my mother she wouldn't be there to see what I did, and asked playfully if she was worried. She seriously told me no, that she'd had her crack at raising me, and if she hadn't done it right it was too late now; and that what I did from here on was on me.
49
@Uptown Sunni You set the example yourself, in the preceding 17 years?
2
"Comfortable in that" means different things to different people. One question to ask/observation to make is whether the child has to adjust his or her clothing regularly while wearing it. That's a sure sign that the clothing either doesn't fit properly, needs something like a belt (I'm thinking of pants on the ground here), or sometimes reveals more than the wearer actually likes.
18
It can also be useful to have some conversations with her friends' parents, both to see what you might be up against and perhaps develop common talking points
14