It's pathetic. I really feel sorry for this generation in college. What message are we sending? "We need to check up on you because you are too fragile to handle being independent."
21
I am in the Emerson FB group referenced in this article, and Ms. Hurley fails to mention that there were previous FB groups for Emerson students and alumni. This is not new to the school, which is quite good, and my child is happy there. However, Ms. Hurley does tend to direct the narrative of the group, and more and more comments are turned off of posts and other parents seem to be silenced. However, she did seem to form some sort of odd fan base, for better or worse, but I tend to feel her fans are the same soccer moms who think every game is played brilliantly. While I would recommend the school and what it has to offer, I would not do so with the parent group.
6
My job now is to cultivate a studied indifference to what he's up to. My feeling is that if something is amiss, he will let me know. Otherwise, it's his time to grow up out from under Mom and Dad. He's safe in the hands of his roommates, professors and RAs...I daily fight the urge to ask for details (which he is loathe to give me anyway, apparently). So I've stopped asking. When I do see him, his eyes are shining and happy. He's totally thriving. That's all I need to know at this point.
28
Rather than joining a FB page for parents, I have found it rewarding to subscribe to weekly email updates circulated by our son's college's newspaper. I learn about noteworthy issues and events on campus without the ignominy of "spying" or getting sucked into the vortex of other parents' concerns. As a family, we often have productive conversations/texts with our son about what's happening on campus based on school news articles. We otherwise do not need to know about every fire alarm that's pulled, every Greek life bid that's accepted/declined, or the minutiae of daily details that explode into a maelstrom because of social media.
13
Parents need to fill that empty nest through other means - take up a hobby or travel around the world - anything! Please don't live your lives vicariously through your children - help them become independent adults by leaving them alone. Let them sort out their own lives. Most children are resilient and resourceful and they will learn to deal with life's slings and arrows all by themselves. A bit of knock here and there will not kill them - they will dust themselves up and be stronger next time. And they will carry on as others have done before - just leave them be.
19
As a parent, I’ve noticed that other parents who take a close interest in their children at college usually have a problem in their own life. Maybe it’s a bad marriage or a boring job, but when somebody else’s life is so much more interesting than yours, it’s time for therapy. Your grown children are living their own life, if you still can’t let go, get help.
13
"Your goal, as a parent, is to put yourself out of a job."
I wish I could claim credit for that one, but I use it as my lodestone sometimes!
13
Please see the article below for tips that work for both parents of preschoolers AND college students. ;-)
https://parenting.nytimes.com/preschooler/school-dropoffs?fallback=0&recId=1QhOZ2KKNHqUlrfuoDLKUlue6XO&locked=0&geoContinent=NA&geoRegion=MD&recAlloc=home-geo&geoCountry=US&blockId=home-living-vi&imp_id=285654797&action=click&module=Smarter%20Living&pgtype=Homepage
The best bed topper is Tempurpedic. There. That's all you need to know. The mattresses in dorms are horrific. Done. Stay off those forums.
14
@karen
and Ikea Frakta bags. Sturdy enough for the plane, and then fold flat for storage.
Now we're done.
11
This seems like a continuation of helicopter parenting which starts at younger ages.
I’m a therapist and have had parents of younger children tell me that they need to leave their phones on in case the school needs to reach them. Our session is 50 minutes long and they feel they must be on call constantly.
I’m glad I did not raise my kids this way,
Seems like the parents have a lot of anxiety! (Not the kids!)
Time to let go, parents!
12
There are multiple parent FB pages for my D's university. And, there are plenty of helicopter parents and comments/questions that make me want to scream. But, when an out of state (OOS) parent posts that their DS or DD is in the hospital needing emergency surgery, and 10+ local parents volunteer to help until the OOS parent can fly in, pick the parents up at the airport, and handle things until the parents arrive, I am eternally grateful for the page and the parent community it creates.
32
I have to say, I absolutely cringe every time one of my friends posts college info (sorority rush, Dean's List, whatever). And tags their kids! I can't believe the kids like this. I will never do this to my kid.
19
Good grief, let the kids grow up. My father called me once a week unless an F3 tornado hit my college town. I now work at a private college, and an astounding number of the students have never shopped for groceries, done their laundry or put gas in their cars. And they talk with their parents at least once or twice a day.
For me, one of the main goals of going to college was to prove that I was an adult who didn't need mom and dad anymore. For my parents, it was to prove that they did a good job preparing me for the rest of my (independent) life.
How times have changed.
26
Part of attending college is learning to navigate the world using one's own "street smarts". It is an opportunity to explore the world. And, for parents it is an opportunity to let go and watch their children grow and learn. No need to monitor the children via Facebook or any other social media. Keeping the lines of communication open via other means is a way for children to reach out if their encounter issues with which they may need family guidance.
8
Some of these parents need to get a life of their own.
They're not doing this to foster their kids' well-being and growth, but because they can't let go of control. THANK YOU, Mom and Dad, that you didn't do this to me (and you wouldn't have even if the technology had been available to you at the time).
9
Ugh. I am counting my blessings that not only did I go to college before cell phones came into wide use, but as an international student my parents were many time zones away, so conversations were only at pre-arranged times. Initially my mother rang me at the crack of dawn my time as that was during her evening commute time, so I started unplugging my phone for the night. They learned pretty quick to detach because they had no choice back then.
11
Another available method for being over-involved in your college student's life: ask them to share (in google location services) their location with you. You can see them going from lecture hall to dining room or, when they leave their phone in their car, spending lots of time in the parking lot!
2
I'm always online and I understand the need for online community. During the early years it was a godsend to talk to other parents who were going nuts with a one and a three year old at home.
But I feel like college would be a great opportunity to find an online community that is not centered around my role as a mom.
For example, you could join a film criticism community, or get into gardening. The gardening community has some great online forums.
11
Perhaps feeling compelled to monitor what OTHER parents are doing, and then being critical of them and feeling superior, is in itself its own kind of obsessive neurosis.
23
If you want to go to college with your kids there is something seriously wrong with you.
21
I'm a member of one of the groups mentioned in this article -- joining just a few months ago, as this is our first kid going off to college -- and I have found it extremely helpful. Yes, there are plenty of instances of the "helicopter parenting," but most of the posts are parents helping other parents with logistics, recommendations, money-saving tips, and navigating the university's bureaucracy. There's also a good dose of commiserating and consoling around parenting issues and launching your kid into adulthood, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that; it's good to know you're not alone. I'm not sure how much I'll follow the group once I have settled more into the life of a parent of a college kid, but for now I'm very grateful for the group (and group's administrators).
16
@Rbro But shouldn't the college student themselves be the one navigating the the university's bureaucracy and figuring out logistics?
I am a somewhat recent college grad. I definitely don't think my college experience would have been the same with my mom or dad following me around and solving all of my problems. It was the very first time I tasted freedom - and experienced what it was like to fail, too.
27
Keep in mind, though, that this is not necessarily new - maybe just amplified and enabled by technology.
I am a long-time college professor with enduring memories of parent interference before FB. Earlier in my career, I received a phone call from a woman whose daughter had left her notebook in a classroom in my building (my last name starts with 'A', so I assume mine was the first name she found in the directory). I didn't tell her I was a tenured professor, but she asked me to go downstairs, get the notebook, and drop it off at her daughter's dorm room because the girl didn't want to have to walk back up the hill to get it. While this is the most extreme example, their have been many encounters with helicopter parents over the course of my career (pre and post FB).
34
I briefly joined one of these groups when my daughter was in college. It became immediately clear that it was a place for helicopter parents to feed off one another's anxieties. There were probably parents with boundaries in the group but the hysterical ones dominated the discussions. I got out quick.
25
My daughter is starting college next year. I closed my FB account 2 years ago and never looked back. I will not be monitoring her mattresses and classes. That's what college is for. Learning how to do things without parents. If she has an emergency she knows my number.
45
This is a problem that starts much earlier. I teach in a middle school, and the parents of 14 year olds are swarming around, putting lockers together, bringing homework in when forgotten by the student, asking questions about assignments and projects their children should be asking, and participating in Facebook groups to vent about teachers and monitor what is going on with kids. How can these parents let go when the kids get to college? They have decided that their children cannot survive without their constant guidance; thus, this role defines their identity - what would they be without it?
Independence should be a skill fostered in children from the earliest ages. It makes them confident and proud to know they can manage themselves, which leads to a lack of anxiety as they grow older. As a parent of two young children, I want them to grow up confident and capable, able to solve problems for themselves and willing to take on challenges. It starts when they are born and never ends - as parents we must foster as much independence and responsibility as possible. My kids know that I am there if they need me, but my proudest moments are when my 4 year old daughter says, "I've got this."
55
@anonymous I know what you mean about those moments. When my son was around 10, I asked him if he needed any help with his assignment. He told me quickly and confidently: "It's my work, Dad."
14
I have twins, one at a small, private liberal arts college and the other at a larger, private tech. university. I belong to both schools' parents' FB pages. The small university has occasional, helpful postings. The larger university is next level. It is beyond helicopter parenting. My favorite posts have been one mom asking what the best dorm furniture set-up is for gaming (and the dad that responded, "roomates that game together flunk out together.") and another mom asking for help for her son who left his notebook in a classroom and didn't have time to go back for it.
13
I joined a general college group on line and decided that there were too many parents who had no boundaries:
"my daughter, a freshman at State U (who I worry isn't taking her antianxiety meds that she's on due to what may have been a sexual assault at a family party when she was seven but we don't really talk about that) thinks it is time to break up with her high school boy friend. He is very sweet, but he probably isn't the right one for her due to his untreated Crohn's disease and his overbearing mom. She's taking premed classes but recently got a 40 on a quiz. What should I suggest?" (I made this up but the breathless tone is right on target.)
If my son's school has a group like one of those described, I want nothing to do with it.
10
I'm not sure it is really about the college kids at all; parents are looking for virtual friends and a sense of community once their ties to the local school group are gone.
10
@Hazelmom
I think is spot. In my group, there's lots of "who's got a son in X dorm?", and others looking to meet other single parents on Parents Weekend.
3
I am a college professor and I have a child who is a freshman at UC Berkeley.
I was on the Facebook page for a while and I was amazed.
I did not know what DS DD was until I read this and I had seen it many times.
I unfollowed the page when a number of parents discussed registration and said.
“We did not get any of our top classes”
This is crazy.
My daughter is going to college, I am not.
Perhaps it is easier for me to say this because I work at a university.
I love my daughter no less than they love theirs, but the classes are hers, her experience is her,
I am at home and available when she needs me,
I do not track her phone. I don’t call her. I do text emojis every day.
I am not inconsolable at home without her. I am hanging out with friends, last night I watched the sunset over the beach.
I am very proud, but it is time for her to learn to fly.
71
@Liza “We did not get any of our top classes” That sums up all of those people we saw in the news.
21
@Liza. OMG, yes, the "we" thing. "We" are in X school. Ugh!
10
I just dropped off my only child at college 2 weeks ago. when another parent suggested I join the Facebook group for this college's parents, I politely declined. I love my child more than anything and I've been known to be overly involved, but it's time for him to be on his own, figure things out without my intervention and for him to learn to communicate with me about his activities in an adult manner. other parents can do what they like, but I think we need to stop living through our children's accomplishments to feel secure in who we are.
32
As a college professor for decades and a parent of adult children all I can say is no wonder kids have problems functioning as adults. Here, we have adults who are do insecure, so incapable of letting go, that they are literally disadvantaging and disabling their children. Time for 40+ something parents to grow up, so their children can. Get a job, a hobby, a pet or volunteer, and let your children liv their lives and top trying to live yours through them. All you do by this is impair their growth.
53
Another example of snowflake parents who:
1. won't let their kids grow up
2. are afraid of their own lives without kids right in front of them
3. Want to return to the young life of a college kid themselves
All the above require serious counseling.
28
Looks like the helicopter parents are never going to run out of gas. I feel sorry for their kids.
22
These parents are neurotic helicopter monsters. Their kids are thankful to have gotten away from them, even if briefly.
11
Honestly, I’m sorry, but this is so pathetic. Grow up parents!!!
45
I was in the American University FB group for parents and did find it useful for stuff like where to order cupcakes for delivery to campus, tips for easier move-in days, recommended hotels and restaurants near campus, etc.
12
@Ms Blue Whew. My parents had such a hard time getting me cupcakes when I was in college.
24
Parents like to send something for their Kids’ birthdays. I don’t think a special occasion is over the top.
@Ms Blue missed the point - stop ordering cupcakes -that's for third grade. College kids have a short time to try/fail to do things for themselves - leave them alone.
19
I don’t have children this age so I might be missing something. But, fifteen years ago (not so long!), I remember learning how to take care of myself when sick at college or how to have those difficult conversations with a roommate when woken up at night. I fall on the side that this is too much and robbing the students of a chance to mature and learn how to self advocate . What happens when these students join the workplace or need to figure out the other logistics that come with being an adult in our current day. It’s not easy to balance dealing with healthcare (when to go to urgent care vs the ER and what or what not will be covered by insurance) or how to awkward but necessary conversations at work or how to deal with crazy housing markets. Life is tough and I say that as someone fortunate enough to have a college degree and good job. I’m glad I learned how to fall down and pick myself back up at 18 rather than 30. When is the parenting done? After college graduation?
23
@crk Exactly. For me college was 20 years ago but reading this makes it feel like it was 50. I mean, my mother WORKED at the university I attended and didn't get involved in my affairs in this manner! And sadly I see the effects this style of parenting has wrought in the workplace. No initiative, no problem solving or critical thinking skills. If they can't figure something out within 5 minutes, they quickly turn to another department to do it for them. PLEASE stop coddling your children for their sake and ours.
15
My DS :--) is a senior and his University isn't far away. He lives on campus during the year so he CAN become independent. I am fortunate that I can afford this for him. Many kids today are not as mature as we were. He went into the university at 17 and that is young for a boy today.
Regardless, I have guided him for years, but the thought of a Facebook group to monitor him or talk about whatever he is doing would put me over the edge. These kids have to grow up and part of that is breaking away from mom and dad. It is hard for me as a parent to step back, but that is what it takes. Even if my kid seems more fragile then the next, he knows I'm here if he needs me. He also knows he has to live his own life. Now that he is 21, he has learned how to balance school and work and can still call to tell me he needs to hear a friendly voice. That is enough oversight for me at this time.
14
My own oldest starts up next week and I have not been motivated to seek out parents' groups from his school. But I do have a younger and a spouse at home and I am not going to judge others who do want to keep up. I don't know (beyond the occasional dropoff chatter) the parents of any of my kids' friends except the ones from grade school.
3
I feel like this article should have been written a decade ago...
9
Like any tool these groups can be used for good or evil. If you enter them and fashion yourself as NOT a helicopter parent a few suggestions:
- Be ready to have the occasional “hair pulling” moment when a parent asks “how does my DS/DD refill their laundry payment card?”
- Be also ready to NOT respond (I was born in New York so this was very difficult for me) with an answer that implies you loathe helicopter parents even as helpful as the answer MAY sound because helicopter parents know when you are calling them out (“has your DS/DD asked their roomate/the dorm counselor/etc...?)
- If you ignore my advice above be prepared for parts of the group to go all “Lord of the Flies” on you (like any normal Facebook group where you took a strong political stance). You will, however, get a few supportive likes.
- Resist using the website lmgtfy.com (“let me Google that for you”) which allows you to send an animated Google search leading the parent to the answer to their inane question so they didn’t have to bother the group.
- Finally find an article in a respectable newspaper to which you can vent your frustration about these groups and these parents...
48
@Jim Fenton Bravo! A perfect list of suggestions. I am on college child #2, and do follow both university's parent FB groups for the 10% of useful information, and for the occasional entertainment factor of reading some truly outrageous (imho) concerns of some of the other parents. I almost never post or comment, and often just scroll on by because it has been known to cause anxiety in this otherwise hands-off mama...
7
Isn't part of the college experience taking the next steps in learning how to 'adult' oneself? How is that going to happen with parents hovering via FB? If there needs to be a FAQ about move-in day and the basic set up of a dorm space, seems like the college web page would be the right place for that info. Seriously, at some point you have to let your kid take some personal responsibility.
22
@Reader
Yup. I haven't forgotten how much I enjoyed the space college gave me from my family and my former high-school-self. Why would I take that from my kid?
10
I'm so happy that mobile phones weren't around when I went to college in the 80's. There would've been such an enormous need to lie to my parents had they monitored my every move.
Some things are better left unknown.
76
@AllAtOnce
Exactly what I was thinking! How can these kids get any sort of independence or privacy if their parents over share and hover to this extent?
You have to be a little free to make some mistakes on your own....
13