Dumb conclusion about “masculinity”. The violent, inexplicable behavior, driven by paranoia, is an increasingly common phenomenon among heavy marijuana users, and there are certainly indications in the text that the offender was such a user. But that conclusion probably wouldn’t get feature treatment in today’s NYT. Gotta feed the right narratives.
19
Is there a toxic femininity? Isn’t it in a way anathema to equality to allow men to be the sole holders of human weakness and violence and ugliness and everything wrong with the world...That said, this was a beautifully written piece- I can relate to so many aspects of it… If you hadn’t taken on masculinity you probably would not of gotten it published in the Times... whatever works brother! I wish you peace in love…
5
@MSM Yes, there is toxic femininity. Ever heard of the book, "Mommy Dearest"? Shining example there.
As far as men being the sole holders of violence ugliness or personal weakness involving those issues, allow that men hold the record for being creators of wars throughout history. And I can prove that.
This author is impressive in his ability to articulate a deep examination of toxic masculinity and the effects on a more local and personal level. I hope others use it to reflect on their own interpersonal relationships.
9
I finished reading this article feeling it lacked a formal and orderly, extended, expression of thought on the subject of masculinity. I felt aspects of the author's written experiences, knowledge and ideas not firmly rooted in critical discourse. Anticlimactic.
The religion of masculinity is no more toxic and no more violent than the religion of femininity.
9
Masculinity isn't the problem. It's how boys are raised to deal with it. Males are inherently competitive and that drive needs outlets guided by adult masculine men. Feminising young men like neutered pets to eliminate 'toxic masculinity' is insane.
4
Eeewww. So “feminizing” to you means neutering or disempowering or somehow crippling? This seems like some toxic gender equality issues.
13
It takes half a mile for this writer to reveal that he is someone gender fluid. Which is fine, except that the title of the piece, and most of its generalizations, are about 'masculinity'. What he's actually writing about (my guess here) is not the machismo (or alpha-male values) of his father and his cousin; it's his own early attraction to this very thing that's at stake, and mostly, his early attraction to this pyscho of a cousin, and perhaps, even vice-versa.
The overlong narrative buries most insights. I do feel sorry for the writer; however he seems to be surfing on gender politics and not much else.
26
There is a dangerous, sexist myth that is gaining currency. It is called toxic masculinity or testosterone poisoning. It is far to easy to ascribe the actions of people as inevitable outgrowths based on their gender. It’s as misguided as using race or ethnicity to explain behavior.
5
creepy story. How can this guy possibly be friends with his cousin anymore? The author of the story needs so much therapy and so much help it's incredible how many excuses he's able to make for his cousin. I find that pretty sad
24
I wont say much this first time as i am brought to do something I rarely do which is look at comments on articles and make my own...
but after taking two days to finish the intense amazing heart-wrenching tear-inducing wonderful terrifying life-affirming, ponderous, overwhelming, thought-provking, & worth-while process of reading, more closely than anything i can recall, this article written by one of my closest friends growing up, about, mentioning and dealing with another of my even longer closest friends and much more ...I just feel the urge to comment how glad, thru the challenges and proddings, I am that a mutual friend sent me this and made sure I read this...
I could, and may later, say a lot more, but for now i want to thank the new york times magazine for making available this personalized powerful moving piece by someone I have known, thought of and did things with since a memorable meeting just prior to commencing high school...
and to thank the author for being bold enough, whether he will ever see my acknowledgement, of publishing this life affecting piece of extremely personal amazing high quality journalism...
as i continue to process this, I return to my own lovely personal little life
and once more say thanks with props, appreciation and respect and
23
This was a powerful although very frightening (to me) piece. The author is almost completely rudderless and his cousin is someone who used brawn, cruelty, and violence to stake his claim on the world. Their symbiosis was very unsettling. I didn’t like either of them and I’m glad I don’t have anyone in my life like either of them.
The toxic-male concept is so timeworn that it hardly seems worthwhile to print yet another story about it. And yet if one man reads this and decides: (a) to avoid any drug that will increase his testosterone level, (b) to look at himself in the mirror and really see who he is and, if he has similarities to this cousin, to get help, and (c) that he can change if he doesn’t like himself and he WANTS to change, then the piece IS worthwhile.
My ex-husband has a brother-in-law and 2 nephews who are like the cousin in this piece. They are fuses looking for a light. They used to be merely annoying to me. Then I realized I was scared - terrified - of them. I intend to never see any of them again; I don’t do “nice” as well as I used to.
32
Great piece of writing. My question is: does he still have access to guns? I bet he does. And that, in and of itself, is totally insane.
19
Good lord. The writer is nearly as much of a piece of work as the cousin. I'm glad I don't know anyone like either of you.
40
While there may be many men who are super masculinized, almost to a toxic degree, this story seems to be one of severe mental illness. Did no one in this family think to question the choice of the author for the friendship of his cousin? Are they all like this in this particular family? I've met men who exhibit machismo, but none to this degree-this is mental illness, not only in this family, but anywhere.
26
Misguided manhood and mental illness is poisonous and lethal. I see this story as two opposites that are attracted to each other in the spirit of love, understanding and family. Except for the mental illness it’s a common picture of a close relationship. There’s a plethora of men and women in very similar long term relationships. It’s what makes this life worth living, at times. It can be a reprieve from the wear and tear of this world. It can certainly be a sweet spot. However this relationship was definitely marred by undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. Deadly. I wouldn’t trust him again either. I would certainly keep my distance. A card at Christmas should suffice.
5
Wow. What a great piece. While my path in life is different from yours, I view the damage done to others and myself by my own male insecurities as strikingly similar. I was never physically violent, but verbally abusive towards others, so much so that it probably gave the perception of physical violence. I also mentally retreated when a difficult conversation needed to be had. It spoiled many of my relationships, and delayed my own happiness for a long time.
I also had a friend of many years who was the extreme version of myself. I loved and hated him. Loved the cathartic, self-asserting male bonding when we talked and hung out, but hated his verbally abusive, manipulative tendencies toward me and others. I finally distanced myself from the friendship. It was the best decision I ever made. Seems like life has improved exponentially after that. Went to grad school (in Baltimore), have a very satisfying career now, am ever closer with my own family, and, despite being 40 and in massive debt from student loans, I am truly happy.
A parting thought: perhaps it's not entirely fair to say this type of story can only happen to men? Instead of "toxic masculinity", can it be said to be "toxic insecurity?" Are there any similarities of this story with those had by women? And if so, what would the differences be?
11
Fascinating article. I find it strange however, that the author was so adamant about his cousin not being schizophrenic or having a psychiatric diagnosis and simply chalking it up to him “snapping”. Although I am not a psychiatrist, I am an internist and I deal with patients who suffer from menta illness on a daily basis. There are tons of red flags in how the author describes his cousin. Violence, crime, substance abuse/self-medication, the military discharge and the ongoing paranoia and hallucinations. He may have “snapped” in that moment and reacted violently but the disorganized thinking and behavior apparently stretches back his entire life. Is this childhood trauma? A personality disorder? Psychiatric disorder? You cannot diagnose someone from reading an article, especially one written by a third party, but I hope he gets the help he needs.
26
I found this piece riveting and the responses just as interesting. It seems like a Rorschach inkblot by how people interpreted every facet of the story; liberal meme, not fair to people hurt, etc. I just tried to take it as story depicting a very painful, crazy journey that the author needed to share.
11
What is the real meaning of "I'm all out"?
6
This piece seems to be about many things, not simply toxic masculinity: how some (all?) people can surprise us, why their 'surprise' behavior should not always be a surprise, how almost anybody can snap - some more than others, how cannabis might play a role in snapping, how serfdom came to be (violent lords 'protecting' weak peasants), how loneliness can be corrosive, how we choose role models. Is this a brilliant piece or a disorganized rambling hodge-podge of psycho-babble? Not sure.
5
As a psychiatrist, I should note that although the author mentions that his cousin "always wanted to smoke a bowl" of pot, the article doesn't mention that his cousin's regular marijuana use could be one possible cause of his paranoid hallucinations (hearing voices that didn't exist which he believed were people in the house talking about him).
29
Incredibly powerful commentary on “masculinity”.
1
This is not a story about toxic masculinity. It is the story of how two men can fall in love and be oblivious to their underlying feelings. Each person projected onto the other one half of what it means to be a man. Each was in denial of aspects in themselves that actually existed in the other. The cousin was slowly deteriorating as his own homophilial feelings started to break through leading him to wonder if he was homosexual. The phrase “I’m all out” was the trigger. Beating the author nearly to death was an act of violence against himself for having feelings he found unacceptable. Both men were tied together by the fact that each was only half a man because each repressed aspects of themselves they saw in the other.
16
Toxic Masculinity never helped anyone, but I think the author found it too easy to attribute that for his issues. If he was a wife-beater, for example; there's a real toxic Masculinity problem. In his marriage, he and his wife made some really bad decisions, he was young and immature and more than a little selfish. I don't see those as gender-specific failings.
13
Captain America, Captain Marvel and Thor were incredible in the Avengers. Being violent for something you believe is heroic!
The author's cousin believed his marriage was in jeopardy and fought hard to defend it.
The things we believe in or believe are right and just are in our mind. At what point will we see the connection between the worship of violence for justice is still worship of violence?
Thank goodness Captain Marvel is a woman, now girls can start seeking to emulate these behaviors!
2
loved this piece. my only critique is it would work better with more vignettes and less conclusions about masculinity. Any reader self aware enough to enjoy this could also form their own conclusions. show, don't tell
5
I’m gobsmacked by this tale of revelation and self discovery. It’s a riveting memoir, but the author really needs some therapy, which I hope he’s getting.
9
Thank you for this piece. It isn’t perfect or imperfect, and shouldn’t be judged that way. Instead it is a seeking and a noticing of masculinity in a way that hasn’t often permeated the public discourse. I welcome this, particularly on my 9th Mother’s Day. Dear men of all kinds, we want to hear from you. We want to know the real you. We want to seek love in this world together. Thank you for this piece...
5
I believe both of these men have inherited and had to live with those who were mentally ill. Me too!
However, I am Canadian which meant that I could seek psychiatric help without having to pay for it directly [we all pay indirectly as our taxes are higher - particularly when we are young and earning well]. Also, I think our society is more likely to say “go and get some help” rather than “pull yourself up by your bootstraps buddy”.
So well written but so sad - should be read in A Life Lessons class by high schoolers, male and female.
I wish those who suffer, rich or poor, could get help for the asking. I also wish people realized mental illness is inherited to greater and lesser degrees. It is not our fault but it is our responsibility to learn about and deal with it.
10
Power and powerlessness - the Scylla and Charybdis of so many men's lives. The cousin, from childhood on, cultivates brute force to gain a sense of power over others and his own, unrecognized demons. The writer, recoiling from an abusive father, cultivates safety in the cousin's shadow, using his feelings of powerlessness to avoid personal responsibilities. Inevitably, they collide in that terrible scene in the workshop. It's a cautionary tale about two forms of extreme denial, two ways of slowly killing yourself.
8
Confusing or conflating masculinity and a predisposition to violence is wrong. Clearly the abusive cousin had a history of sociopathic behavior and borderline personality disorder. The two are not the same. . .but they are close cousins that when left unchecked may result in sudden injury or death.
10
I'm just amazed that his cousin could be inches away from committing murder, and never do a single day of jail time. Isn't anyone else flabbergasted by this? Two years of pre-trial hearings and then probation. Our criminal justice system is so unfair. Imagine if he didn't have the money to make bail in the first place-- or if he had some minor infractions on his record prior to the incident, as so many people of color might have in the same circumstances.
33
I can still see from the audience comments, and the author himself, despite whatever specific problems his cousin may be suffering from, that there is a monster lurking in the language itself": MASCULINITY. Sorry but this word is just a word and has no scientific definition. To arrest the subterfuge created by this word requires knowing that its ambiguity is a doorway to behavior that is unacceptable. I am a man, have grown up with men, and simply don't see the "Get of Out Jail Card" that this word seems to bestow as an excuse for people acting like animals. The 18th century goal of Enlightenment was to become a "Gentlemen"... notice the word "Gentle" embedded there, because Reason and Responsbility thrive in Civilization, and Civilization defeats chaos and anarchy (Might Makes Right). Not suprising that the cousin lives in a Southern state, a region whose culture is backward, violent, homophobic racist, and most importantly ANTI-INTELLECTUAL.
9
As much as I enjoyed reading this, the author’s conclusion about masculinity being the reason for the beating does not hold up, not even close. If masculinity were the culprit, bizarre behavior of the kind he described would be rampant. I don’t know if the author is somewhat confused in his own sexual identity as he seemed to be in one phase of his life, but he hints that he might be. This is not a crime, but broad-brushing masculinity as the boogie man, while having issues in attaining it, seems way too convenient an explanation, especially these days when so many are lined up to bash anything man-related.
14
Paranoid personality disorder. This cousin made recordings secretly for years, and he believed people were plotting against him. Then he acted on misinterpretations. People with this disorder can be friendly, humorous, kind, and then suddenly turn on a person because they misinterpret something said as a threat to them when no actual threat was made. Scary to be around someone with this type disorder as often they accuse, quite believably, family and friends of lying or plotting against them.
13
Bravo! Never before have I read an account of masculinity that is so honest. That's for reliving some very terrible moments to write a brilliant article. It makes me sad for all men who remain trapped.
4
Excellent, thoughtful article. The role that the steroid testosterone played in this attack is undeniable. This is why he lost it.
4
The detail that strikes me is that the author was beaten by his father as a child. The only detail included about the cousin’s father is that he fled the party as soon as he learned what his son had done. I would have liked to know more about that father’s deficits as a father, and whether they included violence toward his son (the cousin). Were the father of the author and the father of the cousin brothers? If so, what did their father do to them? The story is brave and I am grateful to the author for his honesty and generosity and the gift of his beautiful writing, but I am saddened that the angle of the legacy of parental violence toward children was not explored. But I would also like to say to the author that I hope he can allow himself this comfort: that whatever neglect his children experienced because of his actions is mitigated by the great accomplishment that, by never being violent in front of them, he has broken the cycle of violence.
8
A very long article about bad decision-making. The phrase that caught my attention was at the end, when he said that he would "....feel my temper flare at misbehavior" when his children were at his home. He gets angry (!) when /kids misbehave, and wants to give them another model of "what it is to be a man." How about, what it is to be an adult. Adults own their feelings but can and must manage how they behave, must be in control of what they do and what they say. It isn't easy at first, but a real adult is expert at it. Therapy works toward this goal; his kids are going to be candidates for therapy unless he figures it out soon. He can start with learning some good phrases: Can you think of another way to say that that would be nicer? It's okay to be frustrated, but let's talk about other ways you can express your frustration. There are a million of them. Adult.
21
Thank you Mr. Hylton for your article - you are a wonderful writer but more importantly a vulnerable Man learning as you go - like most of us. I am engaged with my College fraternity right now as it goes through another crisis of hazing. We the alumni - all close friends in our 60s - are trying to help these young men. How - in today's society - is healthy male masculinity taught? It is only after I lost my first marriage, a beautiful beloved child, and almost my second marriage due to my lack of vulnerability and awareness of others - that I am at 60 reflecting on your theme and its relation to my life. One truth, is that takes a good woman to help get the man out of the isolated CAVE of masculinity and discover their hearts.
9
If only we could introduce Mr. Hylton's story to the men who simmer constantly in hyper-masculinity stew. Unfortunately, in the age we live, the meme of macho aggressiveness is more prevalent today than one of kindness and empathy where the latter is considered a weakness. Thank you Mr. Hylton, for your bravery and good luck to you and and your family.
6
For those who say this isn't about toxic masculinity I draw your attention to two NYT articles from this week. The first article said that between 2000 and 2006, around 3,200 combat soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. During that same period, nearly 10,000 women were murdered in the U.S by their current or former partner - over three times the number of soldiers killed in combat. You might say this is comparing apples to oranges, but the statistic is still startling. The second article was more explicit. The MAJOR cause of maternal mortality in the cities of NY and Chicago was due to murder by a partner or former partner. In the ENTIRE U.S. murder by a partner or former partner was the second largest cause of maternal death.
Don't get me wrong. I think most of us are a little insane. But these statistics tell me that toxic masculinity exists and we cannot begin to address it until we call it what it is. Thank you for this article.
38
But the author never resorts to violence, so not sure how he can attribute his selfishness and bad decisions to toxic Masculinity. His cousin, on the other hand, is certainly a toxic male, but that wasn't the authors point. And for sure, violence against women and children (and other men) by toxic males is a huge problem. I wish politicians would worry about that instead of abortion.
11
@Amy Haible Referring to the deaths of U.S. soldiers who died in service to their country as "... around 3,200..." is in poor taste.
3
The cousin in this compelling article reminds me of the violent brother in Tara Westover's "Educated." Both men should be in residential treatment, or in jail, so they cannot hurt someone else. But I understand that that is much easier said than done. It is extremely difficult to cope with a violent, troubled, much-loved family member.
20
Just to add to my comment on a possible diagnosis.
Several commenters ask why if the behavior isn't related to masculinity then why don't women display similar behavior as do men.
As I noted in my other comment, the symptoms Mr. Hylton's cousin displayed are very commonly related to a history of head trauma. Let me ask readers how many women they know who have gotten into physical fights and how many men they know who have. I'd be amazed if the number of men isn't many times the number of women. Of course, this is due to an issue of masculinity where men are expected to fight to show this where women aren't. But the actual cause of the behavior the cousin displays isn't his masculinity, it's an actual disease.
11
I'm a physician and there's one very real possible explanation for Hylton's cousin's behavior beyond just saying he"snapped."
All his behavior fit the symptoms of temporal lobe seizures. No doubt the cousin has had multiple episodes of head trauma which is the usual cause of these. Very common symptoms are impulsive behavior including violence and hallucinations which can be auditory, visual, or olfactory. Because of the latter they are often misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia which results in their being treated with anti-psychotic medications which, because many lower seizure threshold, makes things worse. Many sufferers self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.
There are no tests to rule this disorder out so it requires knowledgeable physicians to make the diagnosis. Unfortunately. because most physicians aren't even aware of it, most sufferers never are accurately diagnosed which is sad because it is treatable with anticonvulsant medication.
I know Mr. Hylton no longer is in contact with his cousin but I hope one of his healthcare providers read this and at least give this diagnosis some consideration.
27
I really appreciate Wil Hylton to for taking the space, and the risk, to tell his story and talk about things in their authentically untidy and complicated reality.
I believe I get and agree with at least one of the central important things he's wanting to say: a deep-rooted social acceptance of "toxic" manifestations of male strength and power contributed to a less strong child's idealization of his brutal cousin, who used that strength and power to serve as a protector, albeit psychopathically, for a kid who needed protection.
I'd add, though -- in my experience, people who form keen attachments to brutal other people, truly seeming not to "know" emotionally what everyone else can see (like, this guy is a monster), often aren't doing that for the first time, there's a program already running that blanks some things out. To his credit, Hylton at least briefly mentions his father's abusiveness. If somebody had done something to protect the boy at the time, rather than allow the man his manly emotional brutality, I wonder if we'd have this story to think about.
14
“Toxic masculinity” isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a belief system. You can be masculine without being violent, but when you believe violence proves your manhood is when you become dangerous. And when you preach the conflation of masculinity and violence is when you become toxic to the weak-willed.
8
I appreciate personal writing like this, and I think Mr. Hylton does an admirable job of examining a very traumatic event and its bearing on other parts of his life without moralizing or tying things up artificially. I had to keep coming back to this article on my phone over 3 busy days in order to finish it, but I saw it through to the end, which is a testament to the skill of this writer!
In the end I was left feeling that there’s a big difference, however, between traditional tropes of masculinity and the wanton violence his cousin indulged in.
Handling yourself in a fight is one thing. Looking for fights and relishing carnage is quite another—it’s a perversion of healthy masculinity, not its logical conclusion. And while there’s plenty of junk culture that celebrates this kind of perversity, I don’t think boys are “taught” that it’s good or right. It’s like anger porn that gets passed around, and some people, like Mr. Hylton’s cousin, mainline the stuff and become addicts.
While it may not be schizophrenia, mental illness of some kind is certainly in play in his cousin’s life. He found power in violence in a way that makes it clear he wasn’t emotionally healthy. Testosterone may have made things worse, but I don’t think it’s the root cause.
10
These are good words. Thanks
2
His cousin is like his father. That’s what draws him, right into his comfort zone.
14
Thank you for sharing this Mr. Hylton.
I hope that you have made a full and sincere apology to the woman you married and who is the mother of your children.
She didn't sign up for that either.
27
Mental illness is also there..paranoia, imagining someone coming and going...duh?
4
I am curious of the cousins upbringing as well as what trauma he sustained in his past. Testosterone and hormonal balance are important but were there any past concussions? How many and how severe. I think concussions are starting to be seen as real threats.
8
The article is riveting and I hope the author has recovered from the serious injuries. Truthfully it did make me angry though. Women are expected to put their families first before their own needs, but men can leave all of this unglamorous work to their wives. The author left his wife alone to deal with two small children as he traveled the world to write about important people. He has a career as a journalist but she gave hers up.
20
What an incredible story that I could relate to as a full time stay at home father of two toddler boys and on the eve of my wife leaving her job to return home. I will be the sole breadwinner and will be working from home and I have worked hard to keep my anger and rage in check. My first son was born premature and was equally a horrible sleeper for the first 2 years. My wife still co sleeps with him while the cry it out method worked wonders with our second child. I always had a temper from when I was younger, having grown up in a difficult household where my parents fought endlessly and both my parents beating myself and my older siblings occurred. I lived the life of travel and adventure in my 20s and into my mid 30s, ready to have settled down into the life I live now raising a family. I do all the cooking. cleaning and take care of both kids during the day. I had also taken care of my older child when my wife returned back to work, but having 2 kids together has been very challenging to say the least. To sum up the current source of my rage and anger would be to put myself in the shoes of the author's wife. I could understand and feel the perspective of the author, but I could also feel her resentment and strain of raising their son on her own without other family support. For a very long time, my wife could not see my perspective or comprehend how tired I was working nights at home and then caring for our kids all day. No one else did.
13
The article was gripping. I couldn’t wait to find out more about the cousin and what became of him. I wondered if he had any been diagnosed with PTSD. I thank the author for sharing his feelings about the attack and his amazing survival. The article had various threads that I felt could lead to a screen play for a film.
3
I commend the NYT for publishing such a timely essay, and the author, for having such enormous courage to write it. This is one of the most disturbing and compelling stories of the corrosive nature of the male archetype in our society that I’ve come across; thank you for sharing this piece with us.
15
Frankly, I don't get it. His cousin was a thug, pure and simple. And buried in the text is a reference to testosterone, a drug which is know to cause rages. So add thug to drugs and this is what you get. Where is the drama?
19
So-called toxic masculinity is the psych diagnosis du jour, after "narcissism" and "bipolar."
3
Hylton is a very good writer, descriptive and skilled. He draws me in and (ironically), like Hemingway, leaves me cold with the emptiness and hopelessness of a Godless and humorless story. It's tragic, in that the author somehow mistakes "toxic masculinity" for selfishness, insecurity, and even mental illness. Even the title is off-- why would the cousin be his "hero"? Loving a flawed sibling or relative is one thing, confusion and cowardice are something else. The author should be commended for such honesty, and he presents the drama with vitality. But the psycho analysis doesn't ring true. I too had a very macho father, but his masculinity was not the problem, but more his depression, fear and narcissism, which came out in hostility, and ironically my sister is the one who takes after him the most, even though I am the "masculine" son. When women conspire against their friends, are hostile to their children or husbands, we just call it "toxic."
A good example why tormented artists express themselves better through creation rather than self examination.
5
I think wives and mothers need to supplement the males' food with female hormones to tone down the aggression. Or put such chemicals in the water? (partially a joke).
Male DNA carries its kill or be killed reality into every new generation. There's no easy fix for such human, destructive stupidity.
2
The cousin is a defective animal, and a perfect example of why we need red flag laws so guns can be taken from those who are unfit to have them.
19
This story was almost compulsively readable -- right up until the author disappears into pseudo-intellectual mumbo-jumbo: "My attraction to my cousin and my detachment as a husband both reside in the pantheon of male tropes."
What are you trying to say? Spit it out! Here's a sample:
"I admired the heck out of my cousin, sick with machismo though he was, because he seemed to me to know the secrets of how to be a man -- secrets my father never taught me. What I didn't realize until much much later -- almost too late -- is that what I thought was masculinity was simply violence. The tragedy is, I still don't know any other way to be a man."
Too bad none of the ways he tried involved asking his wife what she wanted!
41
"He pounded a case of cans". That's 24 beers. I've seen it more than once. Jekyll and Hyde. Guys who cross a threshold while drinking and become insanely violent.
10
This is a powerful story. I can relate in many levels.
The masculinity that the writer speaks of is baked into our culture so deep it’s hard to see where it isn’t.
Everything from Alcohol to Professional Football, MMA, Porn, business, politics, advertising, the military, tattoos, giant trucks and suvs, guns, strip clubs...what young men and boys are taught is truly frightening.
I know all this to be true...I was once a boy and I grew up in America.
17
I read this astonishingly long exercise in self-indulgence twice- -not because I liked it, but because I thought I must have missed something. We learn so, so much about our author: his father yelled at him, he was picked on in middle school, he and his gay lover watched Iranian movies, he was so sexually fluid he not only made a foray into homosexuality, but had an affair with an older woman ! And for some 30 years he watched his “best friend “, his “hero” inflict violence on people left and right. He tells us of his cousin’s paranoia and jealousy and his incredible propensity for violence, and yet, although he has the space to let us know how he loved the story of his cousin beating two men with a broken pool cue and he can take the time to explain to us how his own failings can be attributed to the pressures of living up to the demands of “toxic masculinity “ , there is no space to express any concern for the wife and child of his attacker, living in the house of this violent, deeply disturbed man. I checked. Nope, not a word. It comes down to something very simple: he doesn’t really care. Just as he didn’t care about the other victims until he became one. This article is “me, me, me, me!” So, for those bemoaning the lack of compassion in some of the comments, why not go back and take another look at the author.
76
Yes! That was my first thought too. That wife and child are definitely not safe, and it seemed not to occur to the author to even wonder about them. There are huge gaps in this deeply troubling story - and in the author’s insight about the harm done by his former “idol.”
34
To me this story isn’t about the cousin’s mental condition, nor about what causes or is caused by toxic masculinity. For me the power of this story is derived from their parasitic relationship as both young and middle-aged men. The author confesses to using the cousin’s “confidence” as a crutch. A feeling that couldn’t be forged at school or at work or at home but only gleaned alongside some opaque version of violence that the author always knew was a contrivance... but he used it anyway (if only vicariously) to empower or propel himself to act. (It felt like he used his cousin to create the distance he needed to leave his family... which if true is very sad.) The author strikes me as someone who has done a great deal of soul searching without ever finding a way to fight for what he wants. Perhaps that’s why he liked being tethered to such violence. I think a lot of men (and women) do this... feed off the resonance of someone who is particularly one-dimensional while claiming we are ‘not like them.’
7
Overall, I found the author to be intellectually dishonest and confused. I feel the same way about his narrative as he did about his cousin's stories about his service time. There certainly isn't anything to be learned or gleaned from this man's slippery diegesis. He clearly likes words though, even if he mostly uses them to hide from himself.
29
Agreed!
6
Our society is long overdue for a conversation on "masculinity" and "femininity". The current manifestations are rooted in White supremacy and we need to acknowledge that other cultures (e.g., African, Native American) have superior ways of being human.
3
This is one of the most horrifying things I have ever read. I have some awful cousins like this, but I do not associate with them aside from family funerals and I sure as heck don’t put myself in a situation where I’m alone with them. I can’t even address the lack of forethought in moving into a place utterly unsuited to furthering either his career or his wife’s. Marvelous writing, though.
9
I suspect there is fiction mixed in with some " truths " in this story. He probably does this to embellish the narrative and make it more interesting. The author is capitalizing on the left's obsession with what they call " toxic masculinity ". However, what the author describes is not masculinity at all, but deranged , abnormal and in some cases, even depraved behavior. Masculine men , protect, support, and love. There is nothing " toxic " about it.
8
Too often we read in others’ words what we want them to say. Thus the ‘ideal of masculinity’ becomes ‘toxin masculinity’.
2
The British have learned to master the brutal animal instincts in them, that's why they have the category, "gentleman". The rest of the world is far behind. But proper upbringing and indoctrinating that violence is not an acceptable form of behavior is not a bad start.
5
He did what he could with who he was, his understanding of himself no deeper than the few molecules of water tension on the surface of a 5 mile deep ocean. Being a journalist, he can write about his life, but being a man tightly bound by time and space in this universe, he really understands almost nothing, and with all the confessional details of his life and mind that he provides us, he conveys little more than his confusion. And that's something I can relate to.
6
Terrible story. I can't even call it tragic. The cousin and father were bullies, yet Hylton bought into both. The description of his childhood is awful. Taunting his father, running from the table and father chasing him around the house gave me chills. Cousin toting a gun and beating up schoolmates stopped me cold.
Hylton bullied his wife by leaving her with a colicky baby for hours at a time, while in a remote area with no support system. One needs to question why she (an educated person) would allow herself to continue in this situation.
What this story left me with was a feeling of anger for the author. While he was beaten mercilessly through no fault of his own, he managed throughout his life to place himself in precarious situations. I can only hope that his present situation is bringing him and his family some peace.
20
Should read 'can call it tragic'
2
I was so anxious to hear what happened next. This was a powerful piece.
It was equally powerful to see how many people (the majority of the men, in fact) needed to explain that the cousin wasn’t toxically male but mentally ill. As though one couldn’t be both. As though the masculine structures (from the military to his own family dynamic) didn’t contribute to whatever armchair diagnosis they made.
Stop excusing, explaining, eliding, avoiding, normalizing the trauma inflicted by the glorification of masculine power. Stop slapping band aids on the wounds of patriarchy.
13
When a person is attracted to the violence of another person, it seems to me, like just another way to vicariously get pleasure in being cruel to other people without having to take the blame. Yet in this article the writer comes off as a victim not a willing covert accomplice whose approval of his cousin's violence was enabling. Perhaps, the cousin, obviously mentally ill for many years, was finally getting revenge on this fake friend. Real friends do not approve or tacitly agree with another being violent. As a man, I think that this article is really about two different toxic attitudes, not traits of masculinity.
8
@Timshel
Agree with you; it was appalling to read how he seemed to condone and even revel in his psycho cousin's violent behavior over his entire life. Yes, indeed, the cousin is "obviously mentally ill for many years" - no question about that.
The author himself is violent, even if it doesn't manifest in the same way as his cousin, which is exactly why he was attacked so viciously. The cousin needs to be institutionalized and treated for his illness and the author needs some serious therapy. And what about the cousin's wife and children? I can't even imagine the treatment they have received over the years.
12
This is a riveting story and there are many well-meaning takes on what the central diagnosis or problem was. What impressed me was the author's change from college freshman thug to something else, and eventually to "responsible bread-winner." This, of course, is only half the story. It is gratifying to read about how the author has continued to change and become a real care giver to his children.
1
Fluent in truth is what I thought about this work of art.
3
The most toxic, destructive people in my life have all been women. Deceit, lies, family destruction, all carried out by women against women. I find peace in the caring masculine men in my life. They embody manly virtues of strength, providing for their families, protecting everyone around them. They have tempers and are at times too stubborn. They are not violent, even while having grown up in times when teenage boys fought and acted out. The women did everything possible to tear apart not only me but people I cared for.
The author is very honest, but destructive behavior is not relegated to men. The violence he suffered at the hands of his cousin is horrific. People use the tools they are given, so violence might be more associated with men with more muscle and stronger bones, but a quick look at the local news tells the tale that women are just a capable of bashing in heads, beating up loved ones, committing heinous crimes against family. It's best we don't cover the problem of violence and mental illness with convenient narratives. Mental illness should be treated and recognized regardless of the victim or the perpetrator.
7
Thank you, Mr. Hylton. This was a very well written and I personally think you could turn this into a memoir and expand on your insights that you have shared here. Toxic masculinity pervades our culture right now because those who adhere to it feel under threat. We could debate as to the reasons why but for me, much of this has been brought on because of national politics and the man in the White House who sets this tone. My father is 80 years old and usually a kind and loving man but I see it come out after he sits for hours watching Fox News and then pounds his fist and shakes his finger at me — something he never did before. So your piece gives me much to think about. And I disagree with some of the criticism put here— a memoir does not need to be more climactic because it is real life. Fiction requires a climax but a memoir presumes that life goes on. I think you should develop your insights further. Your piece actually reminded me of “100 Things that Didn’t Kill Me,” which was an excellent memoir about growing up with a father that had AIDS. You should seriously consider how you could expand this piece.
2
I am the mother of a young son, and I will never forget this article. This may be the wrong image, but you wrote this with your gut. The rawest honesty made possible only by true vulnerability. The greatest gift to your children!
1
Excellent writing and intriguing narrative but, the article raises more questions than it answers. The most obvious one being who was responsible for bringing up the cousin as a pathological bully? Where were the adults in this scenario? Blaming cowboy movies and other Hollywood versions of masculinity strikes me as a bit facile.
If we begin to lay blame, let's start with the worship of violence as a means to an end which, unfortunately has become endemic in both sexes.
5
Beautifully written story, but I mostly feel bad for your ex-wife.
17
I have known many men like the cousin, lost in that world of "toxic masculinity", using their false masculinity to selfishly cover up their own fears and insecurities. However, to suggest a strong masculine model is a problem, is missing the point. More than ever we need strong masculine models who have progressive moral viewpoints, not the toxic conservative masculinity that really is toxic.
His wife was right to distance herself from his cousin, he would have done well to follow her lead. I myself am as guilty as him in not having distanced myself from such toxicity. I think it speaks to a certain naiveté exhibited in men who want to be loved by their peers, their brothers or their fathers and it is hard to shake off. Because it has to be replaced with something more meaningful. Something that gives one strength, peace and an understanding - a wisdom that can't be shaken for the rest of one's life.
When progressive men give in to that naiveté, we let the world around us down, God knows there are enough men like your President that need to be stood up to by strong and yes, masculine progressive men.
1
Extremely well written. Everything in these lives couldn't have been more suited to lead to awful outcomes. Awful decisions, poor parenting, lack of healthy role models, idolizing brutal behavior etc.etc.etc. I sincerely hope that he and his ex-wife work extremely hard to ensure that this toxicity doesn't ruin their children's chances for a healthy life. His insights are important but he needs competent professional help to guide him to parent in a way that doesn't pass on this horror.
3
A very odd article, over stylized, and leaves us
wondering why happened to his cousin
and his cousin's family.
I find the details of the beating he took
to be unbelievable.
If his cousin was as big and as strong as he was
described, Mr. Hylton would not have survived it
let alone walked out of the house and made the
text messages he claimed.
7
A gripping story I started reading late kept me up till early hours of the morning as once I started I just had to find out why his cousin beat him to a pulp, certainly not normal behaviour. Written very well indeed through every facet of his life Mr Hylton was lucky to have survived at all. I'm not a psychologist but from what we read about mental health his cousin's sudden vicious uncontrolable flare up seemed to reflect the disfunction all through his life suddenly erupting because of his suspicions. The fact that he did surreptitious recordings would seem to be some sort of persecution complex which could have had serious repercussions had it ended in some tragedy. One can only hope he had some treatment as with a personality like his who knows what he might do next, a least he had the decency to admit he was in he wrong and lucky for him his cousin lived to tell the harrowing tale.
A must read for all! Wouldn't it be great if this was assigned in High School and dissected in ONE Course, that starts in 9th grade and is completed in 12th, just like English, Social Studies, Math and Science! This would serve kids (and many adults ...continuing ed?) MUCH more than many other subjects. There were so many times I thought "how could you do that?" and although some will feel that is a judgment it is simply trying to understand the mindset that the Author is exploring. So well written and I commend the Author and his family for sharing it. Thank You!!
1
This cousin in this article reminds me of the abusive, violent brother in Tara Westover's memoir "Educated." Tara at first loved and admired her brother Shawn, then was afraid of him but thought she could handle him, and eventually had to escape from both him and her father. It's hard to break with family, but for people in an abusive relationship, it's necessary for survival.
3
@Holiday
Yes! I was reminded of this too. Family has a huge motive to sweep this violent behavior under the rug and to protect the perpetrator.
4
I was surprised that there was not more acknowledgement of the possible role of combat trauma in aggravating the cousin's condition.
And where was the cousin's wife in all this? There is no mention at all of her views or actions, or her likely suffering.
8
This is a poignant piece of self-examination, and it resonated with my experience of being a man despite the many ways in which my life differs from Hylton's. Reckoning with the problems he describes is deeply necessary.
Yet I feel bereft reading this account (as I do reading many contemporary descriptions of masculinity) because all of my many positive experiences with male identity are repeatedly discounted. There are obviously many instances in our society where so-called "masculinity" leads to horrible outcomes. Still, I credit my many paternal and fraternal relationships with inspiring and fostering many of my best qualities. Empathy, self-awareness, kindness... things you rarely hear associated with masculinity. These attributes arose because of masculinity, not in spite of it. It makes a big difference whether or not that set of experiences also get mentioned, even as we aggressively clean house on chauvinism and misogyny.
You may respond that "nobody's saying masculinity is all bad" but, look at the opinion section of this newspaper, and ask yourself how often masculinity gets eviscerated vs. how often it gets extolled. I don't fault that, but evisceration alone will leave this movement floundering. If men are going to change then we also need hope, and that imagination of our future best selves must rest on some sort of positive self image in the present. We must renounce violence AND be champions of true masculinity. Renunciation is the easy part.
1
Brutal in its honesty and detail. Mesmerizing in is description of Mr Hylton 's downfall as a husband and father, and his cousin's parallel demise into psychosis and rage. Admirable for its truth-telling.
The combination of both men bears striking resemblance to my own biological father, in his own rage against his family and his intelligence.
I've struggled for years to comprehend his frictions and dualities and self-hatred, and Mr Hylton's examination is the most enlightening I've ever read.
Thank you, Mr Hylton, for taking the bold risk to expose your vulnerabilities and that of your cousin. These traumas have enormous ripple effects throughout families.
Only through truthfulness can healing ever begin.
1
This is a brilliant piece. The way it weaves between decades and relationships is just brilliant. I commend you for writing this. And please expand the concept of this piece into a book. All my best to you.
2
Truly engaging account of a moment of a sort of reckoning. Traumatic. Full of acute insights but also questions about male-male/male-female/child-parent dynamics. Hylten's account helped me understand the human condition a little better, even answered some of my questions from my own life. I noted a few useful, quotable phrases: adamance enables intransigence"; and "the virtue of strength invites abuse."
What I missed was a follow-up to the writer's concern initially about his young son's reaction to the situation.
Hylten enticed me to abandon my house-duties for some precious reading time on a rainy Saturday morning with her "man" away, tending to his sail boat. Thank you Mr. Hylton.
3
While the main story was riveting and complex, what struck me as odd was why an active woman in her prime after spending what I assume at least 6-7 years obtaining a PhD would move to a remote mountain with no prospect of employment. It seems the marriage was doomed by a series of unwise lifestyle decisions which is very unfortunate.
12
Here's a story that will never be published in the NYT Magazine.
Man and Woman married in 1956, they have 3 sons and 1 daughter over 8 years. They raise them in a 2 bedroom cape. The Father works hard and provides all of the financial support that the family needs to live a good and stable life. The Mother stays at home, cooks, cleans, manages the household and most of all loves and nurtures each of the children. Dad is understated and strong but also supportive and loving in a masculine way. Mom is more emotional but loving in a feminine way. All 4 children grow up to marry, have children of their own, deal with the ups and downs that would be (or should be) expected and are leading happy, healthy and stable lives. Each of them proudly do the best they can to impart Dad and Mom's values to their children while Dad (89) and Mom (87) live with their daughter and enjoy the love and support of each other as well as the love and support of their 4 children and 8 grandchildren. This is my family and we do not need to lectured on masculinity by this author. We will stick with our patriarch for guidance on that topic, thank you.
7
Your story is one we all hear every day, it's the story that is supposed to be true. For many people, such as this writer, it's not. Such a powerful and raw description of his internal life, of his own family, and your only response is to think of it as some political argument? Does your experience make the writer's any less true? Does everyone have to feel the same, for you to accept them? I hope that if you have a family, you don't have such a closed, defensive, self righteous posture to their experience and feelings.
13
@Jessica
Sorry Jessica, it’s not a story that you “hear every day,” what you hear “every day” are stories from people who make bad choices and then try and posture themselves as victims and blame others for the consequences of their own actions. Furthermore, the concept of masculinity is being twisted like a pretzel to suit a variety of agendas, maybe yours as well?
2
I happen to be in Paris for a vacation -- and chose this for reading during a thunderstorm. Apt but without my knowing it. I am reeling with the brutal honesty and brutality and the loneliness, shared by all of the people in this poignant and searing article. I am a retired NYC psychoanalyst and have worked with many men, more, it seems, than my colleagues. With each paragraph I felt as if I could put a face and name to the traumas and pain and disorientation experienced by my men patients, many of whom were the objects of parental rage, verbal and physical -- feeling criticized as adults for not being "soft enough," for not having the "right" emotional language to connect with spouses and feeling bewildered by parenthood as a father.
I wish I could have shared this article with each and every one of them. I suspect our journey together might have been all the richer. Bravo and kudos. We have lived too long with the ideal of the feminizing men and giving our girl children trucks to play with. We are made of far more complicated stuff.
16
Wow, such a great read. The last 3 paragraphs so eloquently written. Yup, I couldn't put this down. While I agree about the mental illness in the cousin, I also find that it is a true story of masculinity overall. The accountability of the author to recognize his own mishaps and in changing the narrative of "what it means to be a man" is, I think, what it is all about. Powerful. Thank you for sharing.
16
I am a medical student going into psychiatry. I recently completed a forensic psychiatry rotation.
The author’s cousin seems quite like the patients I met. He may be able to compensate for his paranoid ideation better than some, as he does not come off as grossly disorganized or incapacitated, but his man nonetheless sounds like a ticking time bomb. He has displayed antisocial behavior since childhood. On top of that, he now has paranoid delusions and auditory hallucinations through his audio recordings that he perceives as threatening.
It is incredibly disturbing to me that this man has fallen through the cracks of both our legal system and medical system. Without treatment of his paranoid delusions with antipsychotics, he will remain unpredictably dangerous and I am afraid this is not the last we will be hearing about him.
40
I will continue to process this superbly written story for quite a while. There are so many layers of this story to think about. Thank you for the courage to share this part of your life.
24
Exquisitely written piece on what it means -- and the cost -- of denying our feelings of shame, rage, humiliation, unlovability, inferiority, detachment, and worthlessness. Just as women have fought for expanded definitions of femininity and identity, men too need to reevaluate what masculinity means, and how, in our changing, modern world, those archaic male tropes, John-Waynesque-ones, can do more harm than good. I look forward to reading Hylton's book on the subject, because surely he has at least one brilliant one in him. Beautiful.
18
I find it noteworthy how many of the comments here are searching for something to blame.
As our lives happen, we are constantly looking to label people or behaviors, as if that will give us mastery over them. We seem to do this especially with painful or difficult subjects.
Maybe that's a form of self preservation. (Now I'm labeling) if we can name it, maybe it makes it less scary, or we can distance ourselves from it.
I marvel at the complexity of all our lives, each of them boundlessly intricate, defying quick categorization. Thank you Mr. Hylton for your honesty and vulnerability.
18
what a fascinating and riveting tale of horror. Not ever having known anyone or situation described here, it shocked me to the core. Describing how masculinity can be armed in this fashion and that the so-called virtue of strength can invite abuse is surely there in battered wife syndrome.Our patriarchal society fosters
many young men who lack sensitivity and form a conventional model of masculinity. Our gun culture, school shootings by young men , repressive laws that effect women's health issues (largely by congressmen ), the poisonous hate spewed and viewed at Trump rallies, racism and it's violent history - all emanating from a distorted masculinity. So much to be analyzed here, so much to consider to heal the afflicted and how it cripples families.
33
I might be the only one who sees this, but I feel like the author is the worst of the three men he writes about. He is a worse husband than his father. His father was in a traditional marriage and might have kept his wife from exploring her full potential, but she knew what she would get and also might hae wanted to be a stay at home mother; we don't know. The author on the other hand promised his wife to be equals, then changed the terms of the arrangement on his own and left her alone in the wilderness, crippling her career and social life. Not spending time with your wife and children and rather follow one's one interest is not a matter of "toxic masculinity", but of selfishness. All his relationships seem to be about himself and hat he gets out of them. His cousin, with all his faults, is loyal and cares about his friends and family, but in a bad way. He looked for friendship while the author just wanted to feel good about himself. When his cousin signalled he needed help he ignored it.
His father and cousin suffered from toxic masculinity. If his father would have admitted to himself that he has a temper he would have been a better father and husband. If his cousin would have been told that his violence is bad and told being weak is okay he might have looked for help and avoided this disaster. But when confronted with what he did he admitted and guilt. The author however never does; instead he blames some outside forces.
73
An interesting and likely interpretation of this author’s story. I think his cousin is antisocial and “toxic masculinity” masks his personality disorder. I also think you are right-on when assessing the author. I’d go one step further and say he has a personality disorder as well: Narcissism.
10
I think its unkind and unfair to level this criticism. You dont know all the details, all the nuances. Does it serve a useful purpose? Does it make you happy?
2
I think you hit it at the end, that each ‘masculine’ aspect has both good and bad tethered together. The strong, dominating hero can also be the tyrannical bully. Every aspect has positive and negative attributes, and each positive archetype has a shadow form (or two) associated with it. A book I really liked on this topic was King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.
As an aside, the Cowboy attitude you bring up can sometimes make sense. In a stretch of the world divorced from a broader society, or one in which society’s mechanisms are corrupted, it may take a ‘tough guy’ approach to set the world back to order. The real issue is about gentility, at least to me.
2
Once I began, I couldn't put it down. It's so well written, so honest so courageous. It grabbed me by the throat. Not easy to share such profound feelings. Not easy to acknowledge such important revelations, that could only come from painfully deep soul-searching. I experienced this story simultaneously, on three different levels. The intellectual aspect, powerful – very strong – manifests that side of the writer, that strength, that has now found an outlet; always wanting to come out, through others, but now owned by Wil Hylton. Another level: the skillful technique, I could feel, moving me on; back and forth in time, a nudge, promising greater understanding and which always delivered. Third level: the awesome, peeling of layers, inviting readers to do the same, in order to have the same (or close to it) revelatory understanding of human nature.
The power of this extraordinary story is so great, that it becomes allegorical. The two main characters come to represent conflicting emotions that we all experience.
“The unexamined life is not worth living,” Wil Hylton proves Socrates was right.
For me, the truth of this story is not only about men searching for true identity, but about the murderous rage, that exists in unconscious depths of the human psyche, as pointed out by Arthur Miller, channeling Freud, in his “Incident at Vichy.”…… and what do we do about it? First acknowledge its existence, which Wil Hylton has done, beautifully, like a Beethoven symphony.
262
@Hana daHaya you captured my experience exactly. Your writing is compelling and intelligent—just as I sought out other stories by the author after reading this devastating piece, I now find myself longing to read something else that you’ve read! Thank you for so precisely articulating the strength of this story.
14
Compelling, brilliant self-analysis and story-writing. It's a unique opportunity to read from a man with as much scintillating self-awareness and compassion for his own masculinity as that of the world's. Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece with us, Wil.
6
Very powerful story and very scary as well. The author suggests that he sees the changes that he must make for the well being of his children. I hope he is able to do that for their sake.
9
Talented writer, and I almost believe whole hog.
I've not read Hemingway' fully, & mention just that because of the character, Robert Cohen in Sun Also Rises.
Yes, males of XY dimension do have one or two issues re the stereotype ideal.
The story is a good read, and deserves
this unusual attention to an outstanding
self analysis.
I am envious of skillfulnesss, and hereby
express gratitude to the NYT for the gutsy
piece being published.
9
Pretty awful tale in almost every regard, mostly awfully long. I really resent Als burying the lead so deep one has to waste thirty minutes before pulling the plug!
17
To all of you who are making the argument (unconvincingly) that the story is two people enduring mental illness as opposed to toxic masculinity. The fact is that toxic masculinity and metal illness can intersect with one another. They are not mutually exclusive!
19
The cousin was, is and will be a violent bully. Some guys are. To make him out a hero makes me question the author's character.
16
Great read though to me missed the real culprit: weed, which, with heavy use, can lead to extreme paranoia, psychosis and violence all by itself. I’m sure everything else helped. But I’d bet on it as the precipitator of the recordings and the final assault.
20
That's an awful lot of self-loathing dressed up as self-reflection. Curious how the culprit turns out to be "society's definition of manhood" (which I agree is unhealthy) rather than the failings of the author himself. Was he any less miserable during those times of his life he wasn't worshiping at the altar of masculinity? Certainly doesn't seem so.
24
well portrayed, great read !
3
Great story until the author went didactic on us.
11
What a mean, weird man, with mental problems and add to that, ingesting testosterone supplements. Too bad he didn't go to prison. The author is lucky he wasn't killed.
6
thank you for your article and for sharing your story. I think it's important that you made it clear that it was toxic masculinity that allowed him to both stay in your life so long and return in a comfortable way back into your life. it wasn't that he had a perfect mental health and was ruined by toxic masculinity, it's that Toxic masculinity let you keep him in your life in a way that no one else would have been allowed to had they had such a violent past.
6
@matt-Thank you, Matt. Excellent perceptive comment containing much power.
1
An intriguing story and I'm glad that the author lived to share it. His refection of reconnecting with his cousin and his marital problems is both insightful and accurate. However, his trust that his cousin wouldn't ever hurt HIM nearly cost him his life. I do believe that the cousin's longtime use of marijuana and alcohol as well as the testosterone use played a role in his psychosis; as so many people try to self-medicate. The cousin lived a life of violence even during childhood and anything could have sparked his rage over the years and it did. It was a cycle that needed to be addressed about 40 years earlier not just with the cousin but within our culture. I'm sure that every reader can see or recall the same behavior in someone they know and should share this for discussion in the classroom, the work room, or the coffee table.
9
Wow. Sad story, but the author is clearly the, well, author of his own misfortunes. His cousin is just a mean, dangerous, unpredictable man. He is a man to be avoided. And you don't expose your children to people like that.
And his cousin clearly suffers from paranoid personality disorder at the least, probably paranoid psychosis at the time of the beating. so to say that he isn't mentally ill is simply wrong.
23
Speed. surprise & the violence of this Bully's actions gave him the upper hand in attacking Hylton. Those involved the legal
case continued the beating -
4
I remember that moment in my youth, maybe around the age of twelve or thirteen, that both my father and I realized that I could hit back. And just as hard, if not harder.
I emphasize the wording: I could hit back. I never did because I never needed to again. Not with him or anyone else.
My father didn't suffer from toxic masculinity. He suffered from an excess of a two-carbon organic molecule called ethanol. It transformed him from a dedicated and involved father to a cyclone of rage and bitterness. It's an illness. It's listed in the DSM.
I feel for Mr. Hylton, and found his story compellingly written. But I would caution against indicting masculinity for the crimes of mental illness, which it seems to this medical doctor that his cousin suffered from.
20
A lot of folks are saying that this is about mental illness rather than toxic masculinity. But they are not separate issues. Toxic masculinity creates men who can only deal with their severe anxiety and depression by acting out.
The author's cousin might have a personality disorder, but he might also have depression so severe that it eventually caused psychosis. This can happen -- it's how mothers with post partum depression can end up morning their babies only to be horrified by what they've done when the psychosis passes. You cannot tell from this article what exactly is wrong with the man, but you can tell that he would never in a million years have acknowledged that he needed psychiatric help. He did what toxic masculinity trains men like this to do: drink more, fight more, do anything for a rush that drowns out the pain of their existence. It is a horrible, crippling ideology with horrific consequences.
Of course, there are forms of healthy masculinity. I think the author does a good job of demonstrating it. He fails in many ways, as all men and women do, but he acknowledged his failures, took responsibility and sought help. He demonstrated that he was a far stronger man than his cousin.
244
@Lauren Well stated opinion but I have to disagree then with the label. Toxic masculinity is a poor label as this man's issues had nothing to do with masculinity. He was a violent child that grew up to become a violent human being.
22
@Lauren
Mental illness is not caused by moral failure. It's a
disease of the brain. Alcoholics are not Alcoholics because of character weakness, they are so because they were born with a brain dysfunction that makes
them develop this disease. The best thing we can do
for people like his cousin is to react to it the way
we do with someone with cancer or any other disease
and secure appropriate treatment for him. Had
anyone in his family or or any of his friends done this early on in his life, this article would never have been written.
2
@Lauren. Too often we read in others’ words what we want to hear. Thus, the ‘ideal of masculinity’ becomes ‘toxic masculinity’. A good sound bite to a segue, though.
4
Too easy (and inaccurate) to blame toxic masculinity for the author's experiences and problems. Frankly the main issues he experienced are because of the author, not because of his gender or the masculine ideals he misinterpreted
14
More descriptive of insanity than masculinity
10
Sidenote: If you don't like the gentle giant archetype, what is the alternative?
This story further evolves the Time's Up Movement as it informs us of the imperative of fathers and mothers of baby boys to recognize the tropes that Hylton references and pledge to reshape them as their boys grow up. As a woman of boomer vintage I understand even better, having read this story, how men feel. I also understand that changing these perceptions may take yet another generation since we seem to be taking two steps forward and one step back.
5
Raw and convincing, this piece makes me, a woman and a mother , question my views on masculinity.
I can't help but see how I may have demanded a code of behavior from the men in my life that couldn't be sustained. Never too late to learn.
15
I thought it a pointed piece on self-reflection. I'm no armchair quarterback. I know little about psychology and psychosis. I have no judgment about your behavior or the behavior of those around you.
It took guts to say all of this publicly, questioning your choices in life and allowing the internet to pile on with its criticisms.
19
The power of this story and the writing is reflected by all of the deeply felt responses.
I've come back several times -maybe because I have felt the threat of violence in my own family as well - but it never exploded like this. And maybe because I encountered it at, work directed at children, and usually, wives, but sometimes at the people who intervened to stop it ( social workers, police, mental health workers).
Like most women, I also have encountered men who scared me - sometimes they were men I knew - where suddenly they seemed to morph into rage personified ( like the Incredible Hulk).
With the level of rage we are becoming accustomed to seeing in our society - the politics, the shootings, this personal account has greater implications. I'd like to think among them are some pragmatic ones, including early intervention for mental health and behavioral disorders. Non-tolerance of bullying. There should be a web of services that is there to assist families and the youngest of children to get assistance to stop cycles of violence.
7
I agree. And curbing such wide access to guns, especially military style guns, is essential.
2
The title and illustration drew me in to read this article. At a point, I only skimmed it. Not my cup of tea but still wanted to get to the end. The NYT has something for everyone.
6
It wasn't an "idea of masculinity that poisoned" the author's life or his cousin's. The author obviously had a difficult time figuring out who he was, and that lack of a stable identity, as well as the early exposure to the violent behavior of his cousin, influenced him greatly and normalized that behavior his eyes. I don't know of anyone, past or present, male or female, who would consider the cousin's behavior to be manly, or masculine, or anything but what it was: the acts of a cruel, sadistic, paranoid, mentally ill individual. That the writer once admired his cousin is only a testimony of his confusion, not any sort of statement about the role of masculinity in our society. We all have natural tendencies that require a measure of self control; male or female, we must avoid turning every thought into action, or we would likely all be in prison. If we act on every impulse, regardless of our gender, we will fail to have successful lives and we will cause harm to others. It's just that simple.
32
@Colleen. The cousin also knew from long years that both the authors father and school mates were able to beat him up with impunity.. whether or not he was consciouslly aware that the author was weak in this respect his sub concious knew. I wonder if that made it "easier" to create his narrative that the author was breaking in, sleeping with his wife etc and now "deserved" punishment. The author is lucky, many on the receiving end of these ragegasms have not been, and often they are women or children. If the cousin had gotten his fighting hands on a child! But yet the author STILL creates cover for his assaulter, claiming he is not mentally ill, just--- misguided? Having a bad rage day? The author needz to examine his "masculinity" but I am not sure he is looking in. the right spaces.
2
I’m grateful for your honesty, Mr. Hylton. I grew up in a hostile and violent family culture where my brothers and I were regularly subjected to brutal assaults by my father, along with constant verbal and emotional humiliation. To this day, my siblings and I don’t discuss our upbringing or our father’s rages. There is shame, of course, but also a readiness to justify his behavior as normal for a man under great stress. Some of my siblings, even years after his death, still place him on a pedestal, others of us have lost our lives to substance abuse. Your confessional writing here is helpful in putting this in perspective. The tropes of masculinity that you speak of are an unbearable burden to so many of us and destructive on so many levels, not the least of which is the void they create in our lives when we harden ourselves to carry them, losing our ability to nurture and love.
21
@Longfellow Lives-I've heard these stories over and over again from AA and ACA members still surviving the affects and seeking new ways to live healthy lives.
the important point I wanted to add, is I felt a great spiritual void in the world and characters he describes.there is nothing pointing towards the Undefined/Undefinable Essence that exists. There is no mention of moral or ethical traditions. Of spiritual role models. This was what I felt so uncomfortable about, and yet I admired the powerful descriptive force the author has cultivated. His dedication to developing his craft was continually having to overcome obstacles of relationship, of family, of physical and psychological isolation. Is this heroic?
8
@KomaGawa EXACTLY.
2
Excellent article.
5
This article reflects poignantly on white masculinity while commenting on the larger cultural divide that has ripped this country apart. On one hand you have the reckless self indulgence of the author (he doesn't mention the likely affair(s) that brought the marriage to crisis on top of the 1950's breadwinner model) on the other hand you have a crazed gun obsessed ex-military (conservative) who practices power through the assertion of brute force. The author and his cousin are both miserable failures that leave the women in their lives to pick up the pieces. This is exactly where we are as a country. Fabulous writing.
26
I waited a day before commenting on this horrific story. As important as it is to reveal the toxicity of hyper-masculinity, I’m not sure the NYT is the place for this intimate personal revelation. This is the kind of information that should remain in a therapist’s office,
I hesitate to psychoanalyze the author’s motivation in telling his story to the world; I’ll simply say that there seems to be pathology on all sides. I suspect that as cathartic as the writing of it may have been, he may come to regret it.
25
@EAK Keeping these things private has not helped anyone. I think they do need to be brought out in the open.
10
@LH But sharing with the whole world– Including the cousin who might come after him again and strangers who could exploit his public revelation of such vulnerability. Its all about balance, not "either or."
3
To suggest that this story isn't about masculinity and its toxicity in both the author and his cousin is the pinnacle of patriarchal privilege.
18
@janjamm
I'm going to suggest it. I think this story is about mental illness that in this case manifested in toxic masculinity. It's my understanding that certain forms of mental illness reveal themselves through the lens of the factors that the sufferer finds important (and this can be one of its tragedies.) For instance, a religiously observant person with OCD can become more and more rigid in his observances, to the point that it causes distress to him and his family. A person who is only casually observant will find his OCD manifested in a different way. He won't become more religiously observant bc he didn't care much about that in the first place. I think in a different family or cultural context the violence would have been there, but not thought to be manly.
10
Actually, that is exactly what the author discussed throughout the article.
@janjamm-Since you mention, let's look at the toxic culture of the Catholic Church--letting down children once again by mandating reporting of sexual abuse, but up to superiors NOT to the police as is the standard by law.
There is so much here, it is no wonder that there are so many different messages received. What stood out to me was that the writer’s father was a mean bully as well, and his mother chose her marriage over her responsibility to protect her child. Everything else follows from that.
17
Thinking about this article I was struck by how both the author and his cousin seem to be unable to empathize with other people. In the story other people, include the author's wife, appear only as stage props to author's life story. There's no indication of sympathy, or worry for the cousin's family.
There's clearly some form of mental illness here, and to some extent it's shared by both men.
70
completely disagree, author shows he can see how he failed his wife. most people (men specially?) don't have the guts to acknowledge the truth of their own role in messing things up. this level of self-reflection requires compassion. for himself as well as others.
This story cannot wander too far from the relationship between cousins It would be too far if it included an equally important analysis of his marriage or other relationships where the cousin, while influential, didn't actually appear. Taut writing.
2
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and courageous account of facing your shadow.
5
Perhaps the single most important article I have read this year.
Left me speechless -- and touched me deeply.
16
Brave. Very, very brave. Your insight is startling and I found your work to be utterly compelling and authentic.
20
First, NYT thank you for this story. And thank you to Mr. Hylton.
This week, in two NYT articles, I learned the following: first, between 2000 and 2006 around 3,600 soldiers were killed in combat in Afghanistan. During the same time period, nearly THREE times that many women were murdered by their current or former partners in the U.S. Second, the number ONE cause of maternal mortality in NYC and Chicago was murder by a current or former partner. In the U.S. the SECOND largest cause of maternal mortality is murder by a partner.
For too many women, combat simply means being in a relationship with a man. Men can solve this problem. Women will help, but it is men who have to change.
50
@Amy Haible just a reminder that it's not "fair" to directly compare raw numbers of combat deaths from a population of soldiers many many times smaller than the population of women in domestic relationships. The rate per hundred thousand person-years would be far more illuminating.
I’m astounded that this author can conclude his cousin isn’t mentally ill. Textbook psychosis.
29
@Longtime Japan - I read it that the professionals charged with his care hadn't diagnosed him with anything, just ruled out schizophrenia.
4
Unlike almost everyone else I found nothing of real value in this essay. The cousin is obviously mentally ill. The author is an unsympathetic figure to say the least, a rather sorry excuse for a man. "A Loser's Progress" pretty much sums it up, and why would I want to read about that?
48
Mental illness not masculinity is the problem here. Masculinity is what drove Castillo and Howell to sacrifice their lives to save other students in the recent school schootings in Colorado and NC. Physical, foolish, crazy, brave, self-sacrificing. That's masculinity.
12
@Douglas
I think Castillo and Howell were heroic. Saving lives should not be labeled as masculine. There are plenty of women who exhibit tremendous courage. Look at the heroes and resistant fighters of WW II. The unrecognized women who forged along with their male counterparts during the Civil Rights era. Nope women step up to the plate as much as men do.
28
@Lisa - I read his comment to be: take the bad with the good. More men (especially combat vets) are like the cousin, but also are like Castillo & Howell. For sure there are brave women. For sure there are psycho, violent women. The article, being about toxic masculinity, focused on men & so did the comment.
5
Lisa's point is: heroism drive the teens to help. and heroism is not limited to the male half of the species and thus can not be equated with masculinity.
6
And there’s something else, unspoken but just below the surface—latent homophobia, unleashed perhaps when the cousin perceives that this bromance is beginning to eclipse his own marriage.
34
Next, he will marry a man. This story is an old one, a gay girl/boy comes of age and for whatever reason (there are many), chooses to conform to societal norms and gets married to the opposite sex. How many of us have seen this play out? So and so were married, had children, a few miserable years pass, the inevitable divorce and boom, the truth comes out. Selfish? No doubt. Children born into these dysfunctional families suffer and the cycle continues. Oh well, such is life.
13
Would this still happen if gay people were accepted? Children in broken homes is the worst, but the wives have it pretty bad afterwards as well.
6
@No fear - acceptance of homosexuality has come a long way in society. That individuals continue to struggle in identifying & accepting their own homosexuality looks likely to keep going for a while.
4
Remember bisexuality is not denial of one side or the other, not trickery or evasion, just a valid reason for attraction to both women and men.
8
This is horrifying, and frightening. But a glaring omission is addressing the issue of domestic violence. Why was his cousin recording his wife in secret? What happens to her when no one is around? How is this never addressed in the piece? Why is this man-on-man assault news when male violence perpetrated against women is rarely mentioned in most media? This piece was wrenching, but the near total erasure of women from it is part of the problem attending dangerous modes of masculinity.
69
My thoughts exactly, Alena. What stood out to me most about this article was the blatant glossing over of the fact that the cousin’s wife lives on a daily basis with this unhinged personality. Whatever the author suffered, you can bet the cousin’s wife (and possibly children) suffer in spades. Add to that, that she is from a foreign country and may have little to know family support system. I’m truly worried for her.
23
@Eric:
One of the subtexts is the wife's role in this heartbreaking mess. Women are socialized to adapt, agree, and "support." We women have got to learn how to say "No," as in: "No, we are not moving to an isolated mountain area, forgettaboutit." and "No, we are not doing another ground-to-attic renovation."
34
I read this all the way through, and I tried to feel compassion for a boy who was a little different for his time.I understand the cultural imperatives that drive acceptance of dominant behavior, but by his own account he acknowledges that his cousin was far from behaving within a cultural norm.
It is a long tale, and the escape from society is now a familiar one, but I'm not hearing sorrow for the impositions his wife had to face, and ultimately, I don't hear condemnation of his cousin's attack, just excuses and justifications.
31
I can't figure out whether I just wasted 20 minutes of my life or whether it was the best 20 mins I've spent scrolling through an article in a long time. Here's what's clear: this is not a simple, garden variety case of toxic masculinity; neither is it a simple case of mental illness (other commentors have decided that the cousin was "nuts" plain and simple). It's the horrifying marriage of mental illness with tox-masc, as I'll call it for shorthand. As both conditions remain untreated, they get worse with age. I was a little more concerned with the psych health of the author than I was with the cousin by the end of the article. I hope he is involved in his own journey of healing; he has a long way to go.
21
if this is non fiction, then its fake, if its fiction its not very believable and fits some sort of liberal narrative (and im a liberal and hate when people say it fits a liberal narrative)
5
@jeremy
Yes. The attempt to shove this narrative into a "toxic masculinity" framework felt a little forced to me. It's facile. There's a lot more going on here.
11
The writer's cousin was obviously out of his mind, and it's unlikely that "toxic masculinity" had anything to do with it. It seems to me that the greater likelihood is that his cousin was stoned on alcohol or PCP or some other drug that's known to induce psychotic behavior. "Toxic masculinity" is PC jargon that's judgmental without being insightful.
13
The author let his cousin off the hook and blamed himself. The cousin is clearly paranoiac, violent and anti-social. Instead of just simply receiving a slap on the wrist, this man needs to be in one of three places: a penitentiary, a mental hospital...Or taking a "dirt nap". Taking into account all the havoc and misery he's wreaked on others over the course of his life, he's a danger to society. There's no telling what will happen the next time he snaps. Toxic masculinity, indeed...
12
Some men need to act like this not because they view themselves as real men but because deep down, they seriously doubt their masculinity. It’s why they have to put out so much effort to prove otherwise. These are the guys in the jacked up trucks with the huge tires and the hopped up bikes with the loud pipes. Stay away from guys like this. They’re bad news.
17
I drive a huge truck, work in law enforcement, ride a motorcycle and have been married to my husband for 12 years.
Please don’t assume toys and material things are a reason to avoid an individual whose likes and interests equate with an article closely about rage and self loathing of his cousins inability to accept his sexuality.
9
American men are completely lost in masculine fantasies. I would advise a healthy dose of Fellini, Robert Bly, and Blaise Cendrars in order to gain a different perspective. We have to see our own absurdity before we can find the handle. Heck try some Bob Dylan, anything but this silly Hemingway apish grunt and punch approach.
To the author of this piece I recommend this book: "Elmer Mccurdy: The Life And Afterlife Of An American Outlaw." or try "True West" by Sam Shepard.
5
I was drawn into the story right away and I read through the end, wanting to see what happened. I was left with a bad feeling for the author - there seemed to be all this blame on the cousin and rationalizing for behavior that the author did - i never felt like the author accepted his responsibility in all the selfish and self-absorbed choices he made. it was like there were two stories going on - the one where his cousin is a terrifying jerk and he gets to live vicariously through that, and the story of his life of poor choices and escape. It felt like the normal rationalization of a lot of men. yuck
40
I don't know for sure what masculinity is, or the definition of being a man, but I do know for sure is that being a man is not abandoning your wife with a crying infant for 18 hours a day.
76
There's more than just toxic masculinity going on here. Masculinity here is just a symptom. Your submissivess to masculine traits and your cousin's excessive portrayal of masculinity are likely shaped by the relationships to your fathers.
Something happens to us when we have abuse traumas in childhood through social or familial relationships. We either embody and emulate the behavior when coming of age, or we go the other way and continually submit as victims to it. Your cousin likely had an abusive relationship, and became the abuser when growing up. You had an abusive relationship with your father, and found a surrogate to that relationship with your cousin, latching on to to an abusive male role model similar as your father. This can happen with women who continually date the 'bad guy' apologizing for continual domestic abuse, thinking her man loves her, because her model for male love was an abusive or absent father. You said yourself that your father was absent because of work, and found yourself becoming the abuser by being absent in your fatherhood and marriage. It can go both ways that a childhood abuse trauma can make you the abuser or the victim later in life. The same can work in individuals that have had sexual abuse, that they become either the predator, or subject to further abuse.
Good news is it's 'easy' to fix, but it takes recognizing this pattern in your life, and working to put a wrench in it, stopping the circle from happening to the next generation.
3
This reminds me of the story of Jack Henry Abbot, the criminal that Norman Mailer helped get paroled for prison after being incarcerated for bank robbery and manslaughter.
Abbot was paroled and had spent 6 weeks in a halfway house for parolees. and had gone to a lower east side restaurant that didn't have a rest room for patrons. After his meal, Abbot asked the waiter, a young actor named Richard Adan, about it. Adan, who had guided other patrons to a spot in the alley where they could urinate in private, said to Abbot: "Do you want to go outside?" It was a discreet way of offering a place to urinate since the restaurant had no bathroom for clients to use.
To Abbot, a hard core prisoner and tough guy, someone saying to him "Do you want to go outside?" was meant to be taken as a threat, a challenge. Abbot followed Adan out into the alley where he stabbed Adan, who died. Abbot was captured several days later. Abbot was convicted of murder and eventually hanged himself in prison.
There's no telling what any stranger means when they speak to you.
That the same issue could arise following a discussion with a relative, that the meaning could be so wildly misinterpreted, is awful but I guess it wasn't surprising.
Quite a story. Very well written. Thanks for writing it.
4
Let's dispense with this years pop hit of declaring half of the human race toxic. It's too easy, too divisive, and accomplishes nothing.
This is a story about two people who made many bad choices, that hurt them and everyone around them in the end.
The author is trying on yet another trope to use as a lens to look at himself—the lens is a feminized viewpoint of his actions as a "toxic man".
His new, shiny, au courant lens is yet another external construction that allows him to examine his life as though he's not really a part of it. That's what he has been doing all along—not being present in his own life.
Therefore, this whole story is tragedy. It purports to be reflective, self-judging and wise. But nothing about the author has changed at all.
26
@Questioner Good observations.
6
This is an exceptionally powerful story, reminiscent of "This Boy's Life," the story of Tobias Wolff and his stepfather, only far more violent. The tragedy is compounded by the absence of explanation, which causes it to radiate inward as self-blame, all-too readily assisted by outside parties who are unshakably certain the author got what he deserved for enjoying the benefits of toxic masculinity.
Truth be told, your cousin is a profoundly disturbed, irredeemably violent man reminiscent of the "double Y chromo boys" of Alien 3. There are countless people who surround us every day who appear like us but are not, from Ted Bundy to Donald Trump to Jerry Sandusky to Larry Nassar. We have no idea how or why this is so, but it is.
You are a brilliant writer and this work was captivating. None of this was your fault, and your marriage and supposed disinterest in your cousin's wife or calling your sister after you were savagely beaten aren't the stuff of pathology.
It was courageous of you to write this piece, to make it to the hospital that night, to press on today. Don't take this upon yourself. Enough was stolen by your cousin and your father. Your work is brilliant and a gift to your readers.
20
@Bob Seldon-Thank you. It's also possible there's a whole back story about the author's wife, his sister, and his cousin's wife and other family members--he's not choosing to tell to protect their privacy and/or requests.
4
@Bob Seldon Excellent, clear, concise, "There are countless people who surround us every day who appear like us but are not, from Ted Bundy to Donald Trump to Jerry Sandusky to Larry Nassar. We have no idea how or why this is so, but it is. " -- yes!
1
Here's some guidance or a role model for a man: be more like a woman. Simple.
11
@Dan
Which woman?
3
The story is about the attraction of brute power.
3
This writer was the victim of a violent attempted murder and his attacker is on probation roaming society looking for his next victim who he will kill because he got away with this crime . The court failed his murder victim to be announced .
8
Personal stories like this make it difficult for the rest of us men. I know so many men, including myself, for whom masculinity is not a religion. There is no "compendium of saints." However, his personal story gets archived as our story. I have not walked along the roads he has walked along. My brothers, cousins, colleagues and friends also walk along different roads. Far better roads. If he wishes to tell his story, so be it. It is his story, though. These are his mistakes. Not ours.
17
So did the writer run this by his ex-wife? Family? I expect so, and that that is why these figures are so shadowy. Nonetheless, I hope he has joined a witness protection program. His cousin is going to be some mad.
1
I'm sorry, but if your cousin didn't have a formal schizophrenia diagnosis, he certainly was psychotic. Then to claim that he wasn't hearing voices, when you have him hearing voices practically as a repeating motif? I'm a mental health clinician, and seriously, somebody tattooing "rage" across their belly and the rest of the anti social behaviours didn't raise red flags? And I'm not a big believer in the whole male role model thing. You're a male, and there's positive or negative behaviours. The rest is a beatup to sell books...
23
This is a sad and disturbing story of one life. I do not know how you inculcate what I'm about to say into your children, much less into yourself, but for me it comes to this. If you don't have the confidence of self, if you do not know who you are or what you stand for, then you will always chase affirmation from others. And you will find, as this author has, that it's a fools errand. I wish him well in his struggle for self-determination.
John~
American Net'Zen
7
Both the author and his cousin clearly struggle with mental issues and seriously self destructive behaviors that go far beyond what we would typically call toxic masculinity. Their aberrant behaviors are described in great but never really analyzed. The author seems unaware of his own tremendous narcissism and his exploitation of his ex-wife (as opposed to a tacit agreement to divide responsibilities).
23
I hope the author’s ex-wife moves their children far away from him. I’m not saying that to be mean, but his fascination with violence, irresponsibility, and self-centeredness are real and scary concerns.
25
I couldn't help reading this essay as a metaphor for Trump supporters who have sidled up to their dear bully leader as he spat on and beat those around him, feeling comfort in the jerk's embrace, only to be shocked when the violence is finally and inevitably inflicted in them. Wishful thinking, perhaps.
28
@monroe
At last, a commentator, "monroe," bravely calls out the Bully in Chief," who has made bullying one's adversaries a politically fashionable way to deal with all that he is afraid of. I am shocked that I've had to read through so many comments to find one brave commentator who finally said, in my opinion, the Most Important thing needing to be said: that our nation has been highjacked by the idea that bullying the rest of the world is the way to get what Trump wants. What a childhood he must have had. Enough of tip toeing around these larger truths.
5
My adopted brother is just like the author's cousin. He has spent his life feeling entitled and slighted, anti social, a bully and a menace. Nothing my parents tried for the last 56 years made any difference. My Dad, a WW Two Hero, and VFW volunteer until the age of 90, spent his life trying instill positive masculinity into his adopted son to no avail. My brother recently stole all of my father's money and I have been in court for a year trying to get Guardianship of my parents, to be able to protect them from this man. He has threatened me and I am afraid of him. Luckily I have a supportive, heroic husband. I vote for genetic anti social personality disorder in the cousin, and a lack of personal responsibility and perhaps toxic narcissism in the author, who did nothing to help protect his cousin's wife after the attack. Clearly she is at risk of being murdered and is probably afraid to flee. I am proud that I keep on fighting for my parents, who are now 93 and unable to fight for themselves, in the face of my dangerous adopted brother. The author needs to think beyond his own skin and try to help his cousin's wife, as a true hero, male or female, would do. These are the heroic values my father instilled in me. Not all men are toxic.
18
@Carol P. - I don't know that the wife is threatened by the cousin. It's a reasonable conclusion to draw from the facts presented, but the cousin has shown no propensity to lash out at the wife in the situations where he's convinced himself of her infidelities. He goes after the perceived partner instead.
1
We won’t have better men in society, as long as women are not valued, and as long as gay people are considered less than.
Toxic masculinity will continue to be widespread as long as misogyny and homophobia exist. If being female or girly is a problem, then men will continue to do everything to avoid those qualities or even the appearance of anything related to being feminine or gay. It’s all part of the same dysfunctional patriarchal system.
7
I’m sorry, but I am really confused by your story. It seems like you wrote this as a cathartic exercise to make you feel better about your life. Yes, the title is about your crazy cousin trying to kill you, but it takes you a really long time and twisted road to get there. I know that I don’t have the answers to life. None of us do. But one thing that I have painfully learned is to eradicate the negative and crazy influences in my life and that includes blood relationships.
You should have been done with your cousin a long time ago. What ended up happening was inevitable because the inexplicable is what comes with sustained exposure to crazy violent people.
Morbidly, like watching a car crash that you can’t take your eyes off even though you shouldn’t, I couldn’t stop reading your article. But as I finished reading it, I found myself frustrated with your experience and how you have written about it. It is incumbent on individuals in a free society to exert some force of will on the direction of their lives. My vision of you as I read your story is that of a cork floating in a stream and hoping that it is a benevolent stream, but taking no ownership in the outcomes that come with its uncertain path.
I’m sorry, but to me, that’s not how life works. Fortune certainly plays a role, but so do determination, willpower and ownership. I hope that by writing your article you have found some peace, but if you have, it has come at the readers’ expense.
19
@Chris - excellent post. Fortune favors the brave.
As disturbing and disgusting the violence of the cousin is... the author too, it seems to idealized bullying and “respect” from the others. the felt extremely comfortable with the bully, admiration, love and respect for the violent man. The author makes a point to clarify and excuse the violence the cousin displayed throughout his life. If the army fired/discharged the big bully... no, not perhaps schizophrenic, just a sociopath.
11
Wil Hylton’s story is about masculinity, testosterone, mental illness and growing up. But, to oversimplify it, the mini-memoire is also about the fact that being responsible, helpful and compassionate frequently isn’t as much fun, easy or entertaining as being destructive and acting like a bully or a jerk. Watch children, and see the glee and ease with which they knock over the castle you’ve spent hours building them. They really seem to enjoy watching your expressions of despair. Generation after generation, there are “mean girls” and “alpha males” and, for some reason, their posses flock around them despite (or perhaps, because of) their universally-acknowledged ability to push around the vulnerable and elicit reactions from their prey.
In this story, the author thankfully tries to depict himself in an honest light. But he blames his shortcomings and character flaws as a function of society’s depiction of masculinity. Is that really what it is? Do we really need to explain why someone wants to avoid the 4am shift with the crying baby or hang out with the guy who always seems to be on the winning side of a fight? The Sopranos and Game of Thrones are wildly popular because, whether we want to admit it or not, the shows pander to our fascination with power and cruelty. It’s easy and fun to be an immature, self-centered jerk. The amazing thing isn’t that we find ourselves being abominable, but that we manage to overcome the urge to be abominable so much of the time.
16
Great that the author thinks of his son. Finally. Maybe the author should also give a thought to raising his daughter to beware of any narcissistic, charming man who seeks to isolate his wife, deprive her of any ability to be independent, and then reject her as soon as a child is born because the narcissist is no longer the sole focus of the wife’s attention? Especially when that narcissist is a writer who gives zero effort to fleshing out the human beings who are his mother, wife, daughter, sister, and sister-in-law in his story about how he comes to recognize his own toxic masculinity? The author’s ability to ignore his own misogyny is as great as his ability to ignore his sick fascination with a violent sociopath and his ability to ignore his own lack of empathy or compassion for those who endured the trauma he so enjoyed...until He was the victim. My advice for the daughter? When you find a guy who reminds you of your dear old dad, and you think this charming guy might be able to fill in the hole in your soul caused by your dad’s lifelong neglect of you: RUN THE OTHER WAY!
66
I can't help but wonder if marijuana was a contributor to the cousin's paranoid delusions and violence. Most readers will scoff at this possibility, as the notion of pot being harmless is widely accepted at face value by most folks. Heavy THC use increases the risk of psychoses and violence significantly. This is well documented in journalist Alex Berenson's recent book, "Tell Your Children."
6
T.M.I. !!
I've sat through some really horrible movies, and have read every page of some truly awful books, just to see how they ended.
In this case, as I kept on reading I began to wonder not how, but *if* this story would ever end.
I mean, there must be even more intimate details of the author's life that also have no bearing on the thesis of the essay that were not included.
8
As a small guy who wouldn't stand a chance in almost any fight and has a birth defect that leaves me with one usable arm, it's easy to imagine how positively intoxicating it would be to run around with someone like the writer's cousin on my side.
14
Intoxicating is the word. As in toxic.
1
So blaming testosterone supplements for the assault seems far too easy, but blaming masculinity isn't too easy? The only conclusion that makes any sense is the one the author draws early on in the piece: "it doesn't make sense." The assault didn't make sense. It was totally irrational, and such behavior would be irrational on anyone's part, whether male or female. Yes, he apparently snapped. As the cousin himself said, he lost it. Whatever those terms really mean in terms of psychotic behavior needs to be diagnosed and treated by a professional. Writing it off as some kind of male failure doesn't really help or mean much.
7
What a disturbing story. I can’t help but wonder who else this man has hurt.
11
Very disturbing article that I read two days ago and find myself coming back to. Purporting, however subtle, to be an autopsy on toxic masculinity, it's rather a documentary on not only poor mental health, but also our inability to recognize it for what it actually is.
9
I am from India and I cannot imagine such a story happening in India. What is it the American Culture that makes many men violent.? The school bullying, the ragging in the colleges fraternities,gun shootings.
Wonder why such violence? Is there something systemic?
5
@Eraven
Really? When I travel to India for work, my employer insists on 24 hour security because I’m a woman. Gang rape, another form of toxic masculinity, happen in India too. And make mob violence is not uncommon.
I love India, and I think it’s problems are much different than the US. But I’m also not blind to the profound problems the country has with violence, particularly sexual violence.
30
@Eraven I wondered exactly the same when I happened to be alone in India - especially when groups of young men would surround me and grab at me until someone else intervened. How far would it have gone without that intervention, guess you'd have to ask those men... I expected India with Kali, Rati, Sita - all revered to treat women at least as people, I was often disappointed
10
What about gang rape in India?
4
Writing for a living is hard, especially freelancing, and to keep it fresh and make sales requires an eye for the angle. And this author found it in the recently popular, ambiguous pathology of "toxic masculinity".
In my generation we had other words for people like the author's cousin; a violent delinquent and borderline misanthrope. His criminal behavior and the author's attraction to it say more about their maladjustment than they do about the evils of "masculinity".
It's an enthralling article and would remain so for the human story it tells, without the pop psychology.
5
Let's save some a lot of time here.
This my friends, is why we have prisons. The author is extremely lucky he didn't get killed.
The cousin belongs in a maximum security prison for multiple decades where he can share his space with thousands of inmates who have similar tendencies, some much bigger than he is.
8
To those saying this story has nothing to do with masculinity - it does. His cousin no doubt is mentally ill and possibly always has been, but the writer looked up to his behaviors as evidence of strength and manliness. The writer is telling up about the toxic masculinity in himself and the culture which sees confidence where there is in fact brokenness.
17
@yvonne The story mentions that most people, both men and women, are repelled by his cousin's violence. There's no "toxic masculinity" here, the story is about a sick, violent person and the author's bizarre attraction to him.
5
As others have stated, this may have started out to be a story about toxic masculinity but veers into a story about undiagnosed mental illness. The cousin was very clearly paranoid and misinterpreting sounds on his iPad as voices with intent to cause him harm when he attacked the author. These are not the perceptions of even the most toxically masculine guy out there. The author overlooks these facts in an attempt to mold the narrative into a treatise on his attempts to define his own identity. He also ellipses over the attempts by his cousin to express his fears about his symptoms which the author ignored. The author also ignores the almost certain abuse his cousin’s wife and children must have lived/are likely still living through.
12
This is an astonishing story that I could not put down. Very compelling and educational.
1
The best description of, and prescription for, men I have ever read.
1
I grew up under the influence of an older brother creating chaos, emotional and physical pain and effectively d
1
Masculinity or an extreme case of mental illness? Throughout this fascinating story there is not a medical intervention at any level, school, jobs, army. Someone surely noticed the symptoms were of a deeply disturbed person crying for help, but didn’t care enough to help the author’s cousin. Sadly not even the author. This story reminds me of a First Sergeant in an army medical battalion in Germany who eventually shot himself. Due to some of his episodes of rage, his subordinates turned their backs and refused to deal with him. He died alone in his room. But the most cruel and selfish act was that of the company commander who manipulated the circumstances of the sergeant’s condition to isolate him from those who could have helped him. Not surprisingly, that commander fits the physical description of the author’s cousin. And he was just as violent, but since the commander was a son-in-law of a general, there was no official investigation. That experience taught me to try to help anyone who shows a syndrome of violent acts and behavior. Clearly they suffer from mental illness.
9
Good grief. Thank God, I have no male decendants. And thank you NYT for publishing this story. I will stay an avid reader, great bucks for good journalism. Greetings from Germany!
1
This is why we have prisons.
Anyone acting out like the cousin needs to spent five or six decades in a maximum security facility surrounded by people just like him.
No repeat offenders. Works every time.
3
First, I’m terribly sorry you had to experience this. What an absolute nightmare. My heart goes out to you.
Second, you have a real gift and ability in writing. The structure of how you told the story, your self-awareness in writing, the poetry of your phraseology—gifts. Thank you.
I’ll need to check out more of your writing.
3
I could hardly bear to read this, yet couldn't stop till I reached the end. What was most fascinating to me--in an almost voyeuristic way--was watching the writer struggle to create a coherent narrative of his very confused and chaotic life. I think the long, rambling, and oddly organized piece reflects a mind hampered by trauma. Mr. Hylton is trying to make sense of his own story, but he's only partway there; he finds an intellectual concept to help explain his choices (the toxic masculinity), but he comes across as strangely detached and unaware when describing what must have been moments of very high emotion (hence some readers' lack of sympathy for him). I hope he can continue to process his trauma and eventually feel his story as fully as he explores it intellectually. A brave and disturbing essay.
5
Meditate, men. It becomes a lot more challenging to drown out your feelings with aggression and righteousness and certainty when you’ve learned how to properly acknowledge and feel your emotions. If we weren’t taught how to do that as kids, we can still learn now.
4
One is tempted to ask when the made-for-TV-movie is coming out: Really a frightening but theatrically dramatic story.
1
An amazingly read— I couldn’t put it down. A rollercoaster of a story with dizzy heights of love, crashing pain and cruelty, twisted identity and and a life lived at a breakneck pace of experiences. Painfully excruciatingly—lucky you— to have come through all of this.
1
This is gripping and tragic and incomplete in so many ways. But it got me thinking, and I looked over at my wife asleep in bed and thought about our marriage and our daughter and our lives, and it all seemed fragile and precious and undervalued by me. And whatever the author’s intention, that is more than enough.
All the hand-wringing directed at the author for the things he didn’t say, or do, or the lack of concern for his cousin’s wife, or his casual acceptance of ‘toxic masculinity’ or whatever...can’t we sometimes just accept something imperfect for what it is?
9
Fortunately, this type of behavior (by both men) is not normal. I would never allow myself to become close in any way to someone that violent. In the past, when confronted with such a person, I would withdraw and move on.
6
What a history and nicely written. Thank you for sharing this.
1
This reminds me of a man with whom I had a relationship- who was deployed to Iraq , Afghanistan, Somalia etc w the special operations command interrogating high value detainees. I can only ascribe PTSD, which no commenter has mentioned, to his paranoia which would have escalated to this level had I not gently left the relationship in love with the man more than any before- but seeing this writing on the wall. He was suspicious of his brother, his sister in law, co workers, friends, potential allies....waiters at restaurants, you name it. There's a borderline personality type paranoia that is a hallmark of PTSD under such extreme circumstances. Also- a certain, possibly controlling maybe narcissistic or borderline personality type leads a man to have the talent and instinct to excel at such a treacherous job. It's a destructive recipe for my beloved's future happiness (without me). I'm grateful for what my beloved has done for our country and grateful that I didn't allow him to harm me any more than he did before I fled. I will always love him and receive the love he gave our country but- no words can sum this up.
6
Interesting that many are taking the author to task for not telling his wife or sister-in-law’s perspectives; why is that his responsibility? He acknowledges his shortcomings on more than one occasion, and his role in the failure of his marriage. Why is it his obligation to tell the story for others? Who’s to say they’d be willing to share? I accept this as his story, and I thank him for the courage it took to share.
8
Its that “his story” does not include them.
2
Excellent piece. Was it about toxic masculinity? I think it was certainly about the author’s struggle with the ways in which he has been attracted to, felt constrained and burdened by and has himself used and shielded himself with social expectations of men. Was it really about mental illness or drug use? That’s complicated because I think we often prefer to call someone mad rather than bad. To what extent does toxic masculinity create stresses which cause mental illness in the first place or prevent the symptoms from being recognised and treated? Most men I know are hopeless when it comes to seeking help. I also really related to the way the author admitted to using work to escape spending time with his wife and children. My husband has done that too. Did he think I didn’t know the glee with which he left us to go away for months at a time for “work”? It is a pity that men often withdraw and retreat to the fraternity rather than seeking strength by reaching out and sharing their problems with the women in their lives.
10
I’ve read all the comments (excellent and thought-provoking) and I have concluded that excellent storytelling makes us think deeply. This story shows an extraordinary event and the ripples that redefined the author’s life. There are so many takeaways, and we readers want to discuss them! When all is said and done, the depth of the human psyche defies the imagination, while at the same time we feel compelled to understand a frightening experience that some of us will never have, but which we know exists.
20
"Fraternity, dominance, adamance, certitude — these are the commandments of male identity." Nope.
I had great parents. My father was as masculine a man as I have ever met, with uncanny strength and great athleticism. He was gentleman, through and through. It wasn't for show, he was a very conscientious man. My mother epitomizes femininity. Both tought my sister and I inner strength, and for the most part shared the same virtues. Ultimately being a 'real man', or 'real woman' is just how you manifest the virtues that you try to uphold, preferably as many as possible.
38
I agree with the author that toxic male culture could be a contributing factor to his cousin's behavior, but most men are not violent and bullies like his cousin. I'd like to encourage the author, and all readers, to read the excellent book "Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence" by Alex Berenson. The author cites what sounds like very frequent marijuana use by his cousin, which could have caused the cousin's paranoia, violence, and unexplained rage. The research and evidence detailed in Berenson's book demonstrates a strong connection between frequent and sustained marijuana use with an increased probability of violence, paranoia, and unexplained rages.
16
A story that is both amazing and unnerving.
My brother was very similar but it never got physical because he lived too far away.
His emails were enough to send me to my local law enforcement. "Putting me into a very long coma". Watching me while he "clenched his hands around my neck to see my face before I died".
I am very impressed with the bravery this author has for writing this. It is disturbing, and unfortunately, all too real and common.
25
Also, regarding what caused your cousin to attack you...I think he had his illusions about you. And they were probably predicated on the life you seemed to have built with your wife and son. You were an island of calm and stability to him. And then you left it... you quit... and he felt rage
23
I want to read the wife’s story.
276
@Sharon M
my thoughts exactly! especially on Mother's Day.
2
I guarantee you that every woman reading this story was immediately worried about the cousin's German wife. There is no way such a violent, jealous man was not making her life a living hell.
The fact that the author never ONCE expresses concern about this leads me to believe he has some distance to go before he overcomes toxic masculinity himself.
Don't get me wrong, I thought this was a great article, but that is a glaring omission.
438
Yes! I was thinking the same thing about "cousin's" wife and her life with him.
15
I kept waiting for the author to talk about the cousin's wife and child, hoping they got away. It never came up. I'm sick with worry for them. You're right, there's no way the cousin isn't a danger to them.
It's an otherwise well told story. Maybe it's just too traumatic for the author to spend much thought on his cousin's life, and that's why the German wife and their child fall through the cracks. Still, I worry.
20
Right on. The cousin is likely to be brutalizing his wife and it's reasonably likely he'll kill her. Same with his child. I wish the story had told us that child protective services intervened and the wife left with her child, though I think they'd both continue to be in mortal danger.
21
Within the next 10 years Mr. Hylton will have a tragic sequel to write about his cousin and those close to him.
20
The most unfair thing described is that the author and not his wife was the one to call it quits on the marriage.
64
@GN
Cruel, but a good ting overall, because, it doesn't feel as if he never really loved her in a full-hearted way, AND he is way too attracted to the stimulation of exciting events, change and unpredictable charismatic people to settle into domestic peace. Once things settled into a routine, their couple-hood was over
7
She depended on him financially, so she was unlikely to leave.
2
Fraternity, dominance, adamance, certitude — these are the commandments of male identity.
What you are describing is toxic masculinity, also known as bravado, brash, machismo, and endless other names through the ages, because this kind of manhood has been poisoning humankind throughout our entire history. In fact, one could credibly argue that civilization is nothing other than humankind being able to overcome, suppress, and negate this kind of manliness.
22
Toxic masculinity. Fine. I get it.
I feel like the author hasn't taken responsibility for all the hurt he has caused others with his selfishness. And that's a personal thing.
104
Wow. Just a fascinating account. A lot to think about.
9
How about the cousin is mentally ill AND has toxic masculinity issues that shaped the way the mental illness was formed and expressed.
45
What I just read didn’t hold up a very flattering picture of the author, who comes across as shallow and passive, both in his relationships with his wife and kids, as well as with his brutal cousin. All the long winded nostalgia in this piece didn’t yield any greater insights.
89
Too much masculinity?? I would say there was not enough, in terms of what real men do, day in and day out: get a real job, support their families, respect their wives, keep their marriages together, even when they're "miserable."
Mr. Hylton's children lie in all this wreckage.
76
This seems to be less about so-called toxic masculinity and more about mental illness.
35
I am not a psychologist but it appears a lot of your issues really stem from your parents neglect ? Seems like your parents could have been more involved in your life when you were a boy.. for example when you were being bullied etc.. growing up in a tough neighborhood as kinda of a shy kid is not easy....having a hoodlum as a cousin and a strong influence only makes bad things worst.. I know it is always easy to blame parents ... but this seems like a textbook case..
13
The pace of this piece could be cleaned up a bit by a better editor. That having been said, it is gripping. I think many of us who have taken a beating in our youth respond in a wide spectrum of behaviors, and can relate.
I could never understand those who are enthralled by violence. I always chose to run away, and stay away. You don't have to hit me twice for me to understand who you are. Like many such stories, the clues are many...conclusions are few. Mental illness? PTSD? Alcohol abuse? Child abuse? Who knows?
I witness verbal, physical, and emotional abuse every day. It seems ingrained in the American psyche. From Clint Eastwood, to Charlton Heston, such hostility was glorified. Perhaps that is what spawned Charlottesville, and such antipathy towards our government too. The look in Heston's eyes when he stated "from my cold dead hands", spoke volumes to me. He was an actor, after all. It sounds as if this cousin was not. I don't get it...this anger. I'm not sure that I want to. In the end, such a view of the world is boring. Scary, but boring. "I'm a little pea". Flea.
10
Gripping read. When he gripped your neck and viciously beat you, a crime was committed. The justice system failed by not imprisoning him.
Mental illness should've been addressed by his defense counsel and a battle of psychiatric experts should've played out before a jury.
Due process failed as did your sense of avoiding a sick, violent cousin who showed plenty of signs of being too dangerous to pal around with.
It was like getting mauled by a deranged wild animal kept as a part-time companion. Bad judgment all around. Sick consequences from a sick mind (dear cousin) and a tender soul (you) hangin' out one too many times after childhood.
But the pen was wielded with the power of a thousand ignorant fists. Superb writing, buddy.
29
WOW!!! There is so much here. And it's not a short story or a movie. It's someones life.
6
Wow!
Excellent piece this. A testament to the power of the written word. "Our life was a vault." - That's the line that really got me. And the ending reflections on the paradoxical nature of the "tropes of masculinity" are spot on.
For me, being a man means telling the truth, and not only doing what's right, but standing up for it as well. Most importantly, it means being brutally honest with yourself, and being true to yourself.
Life is a preparation for death. And if you can face those last few fleeting seconds with your integrity intact, with the ability to look your maker in the eye without shame or regret, with honesty, well..., what more becomes a man?
10
While I found this terrific story a completely fascinating read, I am even more intrigued by what is missing from it.
As soon as his wife has a child, she disappears from the story like a ghost. The writer only mentions her in terms of the work she performs for him/the family. Talk about toxic masculinity. Did motherhood completely obliterate this poor woman’s identity as far as the writer is concerned? It seems as though he knows nothing about her worth mentioning.
The writer deeply prefers the company of his cousin to that of his wife. In fact, it’s like he initially reaches out to him to fill the void in his relationship. I’ll bet it was hard for his wife to see them talking endlessly for hours.
And the cousin...the writer KNEW what he was capable of but just didn’t want to believe that his sociopathic rage would ever be turned against HIM.
This becomes a portrait of masculinity—one that painfully depicts how deeply disconnected men can become from everyone around them. When it finally comes time to deal with reality there is a very steep price to pay.
111
Jeanine,
I think you noticed what is really going on, and that is what wasn't said. This story is intriguing and baffling at the same time, Wil is being brutally honest and courageous while omitting what he hints at all along. Re-read the story and pay attention to how he talks about men and his experiences with them and how much he looked forward to traveling to spend time with them and get away from his wife. I think he has been afraid to come out because of how his family would react. Thus his masculine cousin was his hero.
6
@Jeanine S
The writer has more issues than toxic masculinity and his relationship with his cousin.
He appears to have trouble dealing with his own sexuality, something he never mentions again once he meets his future wife. I also wonder if this something he had ever discussed with her or anyone else. What about the men he was involved with? They seemed to have disappeared from life as much as his wife.
All in all, this article left me very dissatisfied.
8
As for the effects of testosterone steroids on men like the cousin, see the wiki entry about Jared Remy....
He is a classic long term user of steroids, as I suspect the cousin was too.
13
Am I the only one disturbed that the cousin got off with probation? How long before he does this to someone else and kills them--man, woman, or child? If someone did this to you on the street they'd be in prison for a good long time. Also, and sorry to speculate about South Carolina, but I'm also wondering what would have happened if the guy hadn't been white?
58
Sometimes, when you know enough about some people, you stay away. Far away, even Relatives. There is no excuse for exposing Children to this person. At ALL. Do better, folks.
40
Violent men never mind violence
Ego blankets transgression
Denial bred success
Don’t beg forgiveness
Make change greater than your own belated awareness
4
Powerful story. Im having a hard time feeling compassion for you, though, since you dont seem willing or interested to confront something fundamental at the absolute core of this masculinity-as- religion, or whatever it is. Let’s talk about misogyny, a core tenet of toxic masculinity. There is precious little psychic energy in the structure of ‘fraternity’ or team or alpha hierarchy without the relationship that entity has to the other half of the human race.
I wanted to hear your wife’s version of this story. I wanted to know why, during the years of avoidance, tension, severe and chronic distance and disappointment with your marriage, somehow you still were ok with bringing children into this self admittedly bleak ‘relationship.’ I still want to know why you took for granted that your sister was right there for you in an instant at your crisis, and yet you have nothing further to say about her. As written, the women in your story seem there as functions in your life, not as individuals.
Yet your cousin is described in loving detail. From what you have said he sounds like a sociopath. A handsome charismatic sociopath.
226
This is insightful. Thank you. I also wondered about the sister.
8
Wow. What a piece. Memorable and valuable.
3
As a woman, and as a physician...
All of my life I've been at the receiving end of, involved in, been witness to, and subjected to the male violence in its many myriad forms.
In physical form, it is brutal.
In emotional form, it is confusing and debilitating.
In psychological form, it is hostility, silent but stifling.
And anyone here, who is commenting that this was "an" unbalanced man doing "an" irrational thing, is taking the coward's path.
Ask yourself... how many of you've witnessed male violence in your own homes.
- 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime
- 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female
- Males were convicted of the vast majority of homicides in the United States, representing 89.5% of the total number of offenders
(this above is all from national statistics database)
Gosh, USA is full of irrational men, I guess.
Mr Hoylton, your story is absorbing, and your honesty is commendable. However, I am also glad you confronted that noncommittal attitude, this attitude we all engage in our daily lives-- especially, we in America are past masters at this "evasive-living" as I call it.
Avoiding confrontation.
Avoiding calling things out upfront with family and resolving grievances.
Because we do not want to deal with the emotional fall out.
Till a day comes, unfortunately, in lives of many when it becomes inevitable... violence... a lashing out.
47
@Ash. Yes, I've witnessed violence in my own home, when my ex-wife assaulted me. At the end, when we were getting divorced and sleeping in separate bedrooms in the same house, I barricaded my door before I went to sleep... just in case.
This story is ALL about TWO unbalanced men, doing crazy things.
5
Amazing, compelling story. However, your cousin sounds very dangerous and needs help. I just heard a program on domestic violence. For what I understand, one of the strongest indicators that a person is going to murder someone is if they have a history of trying to strangle somebody. I hope somebody can help him or those who are close to him immediately.
21
Grim and sad. And yes, certainly possible to precipitate psychotic/paranoid thinking from steroid/testosterone use/abuse...
8
The readers who are saying this is simply a story about mental illness are missing the point. Maybe the cousin is mentally ill but since his mental illness presented itself in traditional masculine behavior that is rewarded in our society (especially in football) no one noticed.
Maybe toxic masculinity is a form of mental illness.
39
The giant RAGE tattoo on the cousin’s abdomen advertised what was to come. His rage could not be erased. As with other things the author turned a blind eye to it, refusing to read between the lines.
Riveting read, though.
14
Most of the people I met who are as broken as this cousin, particularly with regard to their concepts of masculinity & femininity, were sexually abused as children.
Sexual Abuse is not excuse for self medicating and violent behavior. But it is often part of an explanation about why things have gone so wrong for some people.
(And of course, sample size is small, I’m not a professional, just my opinion, etc)
8
His article also speaks to expressions of sexuality and how such expressions can at least appear to be efforts to fill a hole left by an inattentive parent.
2
There are a lot of holes here. And a lot of armchair diagnoses by commentators. I feel this cousin would be avoided by many after the adolescent displays of brutality, most of the men I know among them. Both individuals seem to be off base here. Glad the author has had a change of heart about cutting his cousin slack. Don't know if the author's back and forth style between cousin and self is all that effective.
12
Toxic masculinity aside, it’s pretty obvious your cousin did have a mental break of some sort, and I think it’s foul to dismiss it. Masculinity didn’t crush you almost to death, that was someone who more than once told you about voices they’d heard. Mental illness is hard to pin down, and it doesn’t mix well with extreme personalties like this cousin. I feel sorry for you both.
17
This is a fascinating piece and I am glad that it got the space it deserved. It was a gut punch for the reader as well as the writer!
6
The cousin is still on the streets. Who will be his next victim, and how serious will it be?
20
"my boy needs... to begin thinking about how men fail. He needs to know what it means and does not mean to be a man, what the world will tell him it means and why he can’t believe it." Well said. I'm 61. Every so often, after waking, I do 30 situps, 30 lifts with a 40 lb weight, and 50 pushups. And then, later, I repress the irresistible urge to put some guys head through a wall for a minor infraction. I know I'm helping my heart by doing calisthenics. My life's experience, though, warns me that there is nothing else in my life that I'm helping. Testosterone is TNT.
6
I wondered throughout the story about the wife of the cousin. Was she battered mentally or physically by this man? Also, the children of the cousin. What sort of traits did they carry from being raised by a man who was fueled by rage? There is more to this. I would like to hear what other family members felt about this cousin and this beating. I guess we will never know if he got help.
I had a violent father who beat my mother several times before I was 7 and she finally left with me and my sister and managed to get her masters in college and work and raise 2 young girls.
My father was fueled by alcohol and finally stopped drinking for the last 10 or so years of his life and we were able to have a relationship until he died of liver cancer at the young age of 64. People can change. He always felt inadequate as a man. I believe it was because his father was a violent and awful human being and he passed it on in vicious ways to his offspring. Once I explained to my father that no-one had ever taught him how to be a man, it was as if a light bulb went off in his head and it seemed to soothe him....almost heal him. He still had issues but he was definitely a better version of a father and a man. I am not taking credit for this. It affected my life in many negative ways and it has taken me years to overcome.
This article brought up many questions about my own existence as a female.
I'm glad the author wasn't killed and is here to be a better man.
28
This was a beautifully written and brave piece. The writer has clearly taken the time to investigate himself and his relationship to toxic masculinity. Bravo!
I wonder if he will ever be able to move past the trauma and fear to love and forgive his cousin. I think it would be a healing step for both. I understand why he would want to protect himself and he should but the guilt and shame his cousin must feel could be a festering sore that will be passed to the next generation without some kind of transformation. The cousin is not a monster; he is as much a victim of the narrative of “masculinity” as the writer. He has also self-medicated all his pain with beer, weed, and testosterone supplements. Toxicity squared; a lethal mix. There is such a thing as Substance Induced Psychosis.
4
@Beth Zetlin
I do not think there was enough self-examination. I do not like the way he describes his marriage, which I find troubling. The writer seems self-absorbed and impervious to the needs of his wife and children, finding refuge/avoidance in his work. Having the second child seemed rather pointless at that point in the marriage.
As another commentor mentioned after all that time clinging to his cousin, it was his sister, whom he does not even mention until after the beating, was the one he turned and cared for him.
I fail to see how much insight was actually gained.
7
@Beth Zetlin "Love and forgive"? I wouldn't worry about that; he still sounds positively infatuated with him.
5
This story is a very sad commentary on our culture and how people don't get the help they need. For anyone that has read Tara Westover's Educated, there are many similarities in these stories. We need to do better as a society.
3
I see some of myself in the author and his attraction to his cousin. It’s not masculinity which is the draw but instead it is the attribute we call confidence. There is nothing more attractive than confidence and the cousin was just so confident in everything he did. He sought out dangerous places, people and professions to demonstrate that confidence. The author’s relationship with his cousin was built around and boxed in by that confidence. Common to all models of masculinity is confidence. It can spackle over flaws and fill in gaps but when it cracks things can get ugly.
144
@Bellesbud
Its not confidence imho that's a cop out its "protection" security that's what the buy in is.
5
If you both were seduced by this cartoon style of “confidence” then I’d suggest a radical rethinking of what matters to your sense of self and your sense of others. There is no “confidence” that is rooted in violence and degradation of others. That is called aggression. Or cruelty.
34
@Bellesbud In my experience as a teacher, the kind of behavior his cousin displayed is actually a LACK of confidence. His cousin was behaving as a bully. Most bullies are people who fear they are not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to cope with life and respond in a way that makes them feel like they look tough and in control. Inside they are usually fearful and weak.
45
I think the problem is that instead of defining what it is to be a "PERSON" you are focusing on what should be, by now, antiquified views of what gender should be. Why do you need to define yourself as a "man" or a "woman?" Why can we not simply look beyond that, to the greater, and more important definition of what it is to be a "person?" Gender shouldn't be part of the conversation of who you are. Adults focus too much on gender expectations. We need to teach our children what it means to be a good human being, a good global citizen, a good member of society. Some little boys, who are cisgender males, may like wearing a tutu or makeup- really who cares as long as the child is loved, nurtured, cared for and taught to communicate openly about feelings. Who cares if a cisgendered girl wants to wear a handymans belt and bang nails with a hammer all day. Behavior discussions should be about what is "right, or good" behavior and what is "wrong or bad" behavior; not what behaviors are expected of your gender.
Furthermore, somewhere in this story is another story, one of a mental health system which is broken, that if accessed, may have prevented this horrendous physical altercation, but there was sparse mention of this problem. Your cousin showed a tendency towards violent behavior all of his life. Why didn't the school system or the health system become involved and insist on mental health care for your cousin?
Thank you for sharing so openly. I wish you well.
7
@W. N. Strauss
I would love to see how you expect to erase gender from someone's identity. It is part of who you are.
1
I grew up in an environment in which us children were routinely assaulted and abused by grownups. The reason it carried on so long was because our parents lacked the courage to acknowledge it, and they failed to stand up to it, and they never ever EVER called law enforcement. The denial and deflection was constant.
And the thing that made me most sad in this piece was that while Wil's wife possessed the wisdom to keep her distance from his cousin, he did not fully appreciate her level of clarity. This missed opportunity turned calamitous.
I do not intend to make this about guilt, but to ask: What is it that makes us diminish, disqualify (or even admire) behavior that is nothing short of horrifying?
16
This piece is wonderful in that the author reveals some of the toxic ideas that drove him to make self-destructive decisions. This, I think, not the cousin, is the masculinity problem here.
At the same time, I suspect that something's missing. Basically, I can't help but think that the author was happy to ignore a very serious problem until it affected him directly. His rationalizations for this were also disturbing, especially this one: "I loved that he loved me enough to make everyone hate us both."
Okay, what? If irony was intended there, I'm having trouble seeing its point. But the fact that the author didn't walk away from the cousin after this incident tells me that no irony was intended. And BTW, why is the fact that he could have shot another kid in the head about you?
He didn't point a gun at that kid's head because he loved you. He did it because he got a rush out of it and because he could. This is also why he attacked you: because he could.
You may have believed that you were different, and therefore he'd never hurt you, but you were wrong. Perhaps this is the source of continued confusion about why he attacked you --- even after he gave his reasons to you, the police, and the court.
It's all beginning to remind me of that saying that the face-eating-leopards weren't supposed to eat MY face.
18
Male rage and violence exists, so does female rage and violence. Men tend to be more dangerous and violent when they have this predisposition. For women, it is more venting or just having a good fight. Why do I say this or where is this coming from? I worked in inner city schools for 25 years, mostly with adolescents, boys and girls in puberty. I also worked with their parents.
One of the worst assaults I saw was when once of my male students attacked another male student after school. He repeatedly slammed the kids head onto the pavement and then sprayed some sort of aerosol in his face. Yes, he was arrested for assault and yes, he was special education with a diagnosis of "emotional disturbance."
The second worst assault was when two of my male students corned another male student from a the school next door. The beat his face into a bloody pulp. Two more arrests. The police took photos of the boys face - the bruising, the cuts, the blood. These two perpertrators harbored deep anger.
Hylton's cousin was and probably still is a violent man, as he was a violent youth. It is a shame that Hylton worshipped this cousin and has it mixed up with masculinity. There is nothing masculine about beating someone to near death.
I've known many young, strong men (boys) who could control their use of force. They were also respectful, polite and caring individuals. Hylton still has a lot of soul searching to do.
8
I read an account such as this one and am quietly thankful that I'm simply normal and that most others are, too. But I must add that it is not "masculinity" that's to blame here. It's mental illness. Please do not confuse the two, as some people are inclined to do so often today.
19
The idea that this man doesn't have schizophrenia is just not correct. Yes, masculinity has excused and even endorsed violence, and this violence is fundamentally anti-social and destructive. Wake up people.
6
It sounds to me like the real problem is that the cousin was hard-wired to be aggressive and violent.
6
I was scared of my Dad the whole time I was growing, and scared of my brothers, who were just as skilled at emotional abuse as physical terror. Do not want to have anything to do with them anymore
17
I know it's probably foolish to ask this in a comments section, but I wish there was a way we could show more compassion to people who are willing to subject their personal journey to the critical scrutiny of the rest of us on the internet.
Why did the author stay in contact with such an abusive person, admiring him and even exposing his children to them? I am a Clinical Psychologist who works primarily with people who grew up exposed to severe trauma and abuse in their own homes. If you find it easy to judge this man, you've either fought to get distance from your own abuser(s) or you have been lucky to have never have significantly abusive people among your family and closest friends.
I was struck by this author's willingness to expose his own vulnerability by showing us his (intermittent) blindness to his own participation in a false, toxic masculinity that contributed to the destruction to his marriage and left him open to a brutal attack. I hope that all of us are willing to use this article as an opportunity to look at ways we are complicit in idealizing violent, aggressive men who gain a sense of power by humiliating and controlling others. Thank you Will Hylton.
29
I agree. Also, I think it’s pretty clear that he’s rhetorically underlining the moments he failed his wife or took his sister for granted: he’s showing us rather than telling us, but it’s obvious he’s doing it on purpose!
Yes, he is interested in his own pain and the experience of being male more than he’s interested in his wife’s pain or her experience of living with his masculinity-in-crisis. But he’s feeling his way in the dark here. We don’t have a great vocabulary for talking about masculinity, male relationships, any of it: we’ve just got feminism and the patriarchy. He, and every other man writing and talking about this right now, are inventing a language to discuss an invisible topic, just as early feminists did. It’s bound to be partial and clunky and objectionable. It’s also honest and unsettling and necessary.
3
Exactly. I think it's really important that men are talking and writing about these things and it's bound to be clumsy and potentially offensive on both sides of the polarization we experience as a society. There aren't clear scripts of what it means to be masculine apart from toxic masculinity. Instead, there is a lot of defensiveness and accusations in our discourse, as seen on this thread. On the one hand, men feeling that masculinity in general is being attacked and rejecting the very concept of toxic masculinity. On the other hand, many critiques in feminism of patriarchy from the perspective of the oppressed.
In this very long and detailed story, the writer spends line after line to justify his wrong decisions blaming them on everything else, but himself. He blames masculinity and even testosterone for his failure to be an empathic human being. For example, he seems upset that his high school classmates blamed him from his cousin behavior, including pointing a gun a someone’s head, but doesn’t take time to thing that he introduced the aggressor in their environment. He gets expelled from college because his cousin put him on a road to coalition, as if he didn’t have a choice to stop his pranks and abusive behavior. He takes his son to meet this same person, because he wants him to be a role model. His cousin comes as blameless as well, his behavior is the result of his upbringing and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
This is an ode to the privileges of white males.
16
We are animals. Male animals and female animals.
Each sex-animal seeks the attention and approval of the other, and modifies their behavior to achieve that attention. "Toxic masculinity" cannot be isolated, separated, and attributed to only men, because it is the outcome of men competing with each other in order to obtain the attention and approval of women. Toxic masculinity does not procreate and evolve by itself. It is a dynamic in which we willfully only examine half of the equation, because that is easier.
So the writer loved his cousin, admired his cousin, wanted to emulate his cousin, and finally came to see his cousin as the emblem of his own misery... too bad his wife had to suffer too.
3
Talk about overanalyzing something. Dude, your cousin is really lucky he didn't get several years in state prison for battering you as badly as he did. I used to do criminal defense, and if I ever do that work again, I'd like a DNA transfusion from the lawyer who assisted him.
But until then, forget about all these "prefabricated identities" and what have you, and do what you have to do. Work for a living. Pay your bills. Provide for your family. Wash, rinse, repeat.
22
Will, thank you for your brutal honesty and vulnerability. Your story captured my heart. As the mother of two grown men, and wife to their loving and wise yet sometimes aloof Dad, I believe we need to talk, reflect and redefine masculinity in the 21st century. I pray for my three grandsons that they grow up in a world that’s much more gentle and compassionate.
Be well, Will.
17
I hope you find some peace. The explanation - if there even is one - is not simple, but masculinity can be toxic and can be mental illness, ask any woman who has been beaten to a pulp for no reason. People do not just "snap" - there are always precipitating events, genetic orientations and learned beliefs.
10
Wow. What a compulsively readable, brilliant piece of writing. Thank you, Wil, for your honesty and vulnerability. I believe that when men admit that they, too, have been brutalized by men, relationships between the genders will change dramatically, for the better. Like most women, I have been assaulted by men, and they were men who loved me. In my childhood, I received a brutal kick to my back from my usually doting father, who never hit me before or since. Like the author, I had grumbled about the breakfast he made me, and he came after me like a demon. "She fell down the stairs" was my mother's explanation to the pediatrician. The first of my two adoring husbands punched me on the arm, leaving a large purple bruise that lasted weeks. The second, a love match of twenty-five years, threw a toaster across the room that left a permanent scar on my shin when I deigned to imply that "Those "energy" bars from Trader Joe's might be causing your weight gain." A boyfriend slapped me across the face when he felt I had criticized his mother. A lover raped me when threatened by my burgeoning feminism. My high school steady pinched me hard when he felt I embarrassed him in front of my parents. . Later in life I brought up the childhood event with my father (over six feet and two hundred and fifty pounds.) he responded "But I'm sure I didn't kick you that hard." Male privilege allows this behavior. Nothing more.
34
@Marti Klever
God bless your strength and your bravery, Marti. Sometimes knowing the forces at play can make you sorrowful, but at least you knew to never doubt that it was your fault.
Great piece of writing. I've wrestled with toxic masculinity all my life in one way or another, as well as with the cycle of trauma that rises from it and continues it. I found the essay sickening and gripping. Thank you for the effort it took to write this.
11
I read this thinking (hoping) there would be a point. No point to the anger. No point to the divorce. No point to the sexuality. Yes, you were brave to share this, but that’s still not even the point of the story.
15
Sounds like marijuana should induced. psychosis. It’s real. It’s not a harmless drug.
22
You gotta be kidding. What about a case of beer?
13
@Hooey So it was marijuana? Nothing else? All the information the author shared about his cousin's violent tendencies over many years and you reduce it to marijuana induced psychosis. Whatever prompted you to assert that has to do with you and nothing to do with this story.
11
Some of us know career stoners who have gone off the deep end.
It’s rare but scary. I’d ask my paranoid brother-in-law to officially comment for you but he lives in his car now and the phone signal is weak where he parks.
8
Its really hard to understand why you had anything to do with this guy. I guess his mistreatment of others meant nothing to you.
759
It is clear the writer has his own struggles with what a man is, should be, etc. He states clearly why he did. His cousin made him, too, feel powerful and yet protected. I don’t see what the mystery is. A vulnerable boy continues with what made him feel strong or protected into his adult life. Is it wrong, of course. But that’s like telling a heroin addict doing drugstore is wrong. They know it. They cannot stop physically or mentally. It’s easy for you to say your statement. I bet you are thinking: I would have dropped that loser years ago. Not so easy for some.
96
What compassion.
Do you feel the same way when a woman later regrets a relationship with an abusive partner of the same profile?
64
Seriously? Did you read the entire piece? The author very clearly explains how and why the relationship unfolded, existed, and how he has evolved.
74
Suspect that both the author and the cousin, when they were young, suffered abuse- physical, emotional, perhaps, sexual- by a parent or close relative.
The author has used his abuse as a fuel for his writing.
The cousin has allowed his abuse to dominate him w/ rage and confusion.
The author, furthermore, uses his abuse to seek more and more ways to create excuses. Like the article, for example. He has chosen to ignore his demons while tricking himself into thinking that his writing addresses those demons. He has a lot of work to do. It is unclear if he can, or will, do that work.
The cousin is lost and beyond repair. The best place for him, and society, is in an institution. Unfortunately, this will not happen and he will cause more suffering to society. He might commit suicide as the ingredients are in place for such an outcome.
It is also possible that this piece of writing is fiction based upon people/events in the author's life.
25
I stopped reading at "I found myself in the center of the dance floor with my head tipped back as he kissed me." No more needs to be said afterwards as all becomes clear: the author wore his gayhood as an open orchid but in his mind no one noticed--even him. All his conflicts, both internal and external, sprung from his repressed gayness.
25
@Deus Ex Machina Forgive my bluntness but this is ridiculous. It is completely possible to be interested in both men and women, as the author clearly is. Nothing in this story indicates his problems stem from repressing his sexuality: he embraces his fluid attraction by entering relationships with both men and women. His struggle relates to the toxic influence of a masculine ideal stemming from violence and dominance. Had you read the entire article without applying your antiquated bias this would become clear.
34
@D Walford
Actually , the writer never comes back around to connecting that scene with possible underlying sexual tension with the cousin, who, given his tougher than nails exterior, would have felt threatened, and then enraged if he felt that there were any homoerotic elements to their friendship.
8
Incredibly well-written. For example:
"Masculinity is a religion. It is a compendium of saints: the vaunted patriarch, the taciturn cowboy, the errant knight, reluctant hero, gentle giant and omniscient father. Like Scripture, each contains a story of implicit values. Fraternity, dominance, adamance, certitude — these are the commandments of male identity. Maybe in societies deep through history, those qualities helped organize a world of chaos, but the antediluvian constructs of masculinity are easily weaponized in modern life. The virtue of strength invites abuse. Adamance enables intransigence. Restraint devolves to disengagement, and fraternity yields exclusion. The veneration of those traits is poison to young men. It offers an easy escape from the necessary struggle of self-reflection and replaces the work of interior discovery with a menu of prefabricated identities."
The underlying argument of the toxicity of venerating a certain kind of masculinity rings true.
7
The truth of the matter is that humans evolve very slowly. Two centuries ago 50,000 men killed each other in one day at the battle of Waterloo. They killed and died savagely. Two thousand years ago, war was a constant, violent death nearly a given for most people. Nearly everywhere. Ten thousand years ago we were beating in each others' heads in with stone axes. Evolutionarily speaking, 10,000 is a drop in the bucket. Our internal wiring is not all that different from our ancestors of 10,000 years ago.
In other words, strip away the thin veneer of "civilization" that we use to convince ourselves that we are no longer savage, and you will find modern man reverting back to his more primitive instincts quite readily. Some people, like the author's cousin, are simply more closely in touch with those vestiges of savagery that are still in our DNA.
That said, don't be so sure the your average cost accountant would not turn equally savage three weeks after the supermarkets were empty of food in a widespread catastrophe of some sort. It's still in us all. Just closer to the surface in some. We are still very primitive species. Check back with me in another 10,000. My guess is we'll be a bit better. If we're still here as a species.
That said, the cousin is clearly not well mentally. No real mystery there. The sickness just opens the portal to the savagery. He is a very dangerous animal.
10
I would to recommend that the author consult the works of Carol Gilligan, and in particular “The Birth of Pleasure” for a good analysis of the roots of the formation of destructive masculinity, as well as sound proposals for averting it. That said, it does sound like the cousin had mental health problems early on.
5
The author states that the cousin is not schizophrenic, but much of the evidence in this story points to psychotic features: hallucinations of voices in recordings, irrational and reality-defying paranoia; he also displays throughout life a continual denial of the rights of others which is consistent with elements of anti-social personality disorder, & extreme narcissism. If this guy has not received a diagnosis yet, I can think of several that would fit his constellation of symptoms. This is mental illness and he needs help. Masculinity does not cause someone to assault someone to an inch of his life for no reason. The author is reaching in the face of a more obvious explanation.
20
The cousin was clearly paranoid and possibly delusional with significant rage issues. I've seen that in some men, often those with military or law enforcement backgrounds (where physical violence is part of the job) and it's a red flag. His maleness is a major contributing factor to his violence, but there was more than that going on here.
11
I agree with a lot of the commenters that this is a story of mental illness in the cousin. While the author is delving into his own psyche (brilliantly, I would say), this kind of violence is not masculinity, but mental illness. I grew up with a brother who was violent and scary; he was unable to form normal relationships with women and had no friends. This is not because he grew up in a patriarchal society - the rest of our family grew up in the same family and we got married and had children and loved each other and the rest of our communities.
351
@Mike. It's interesting to contrast your reply with the next commentator, Mary, below you.
Women recognize the violence in men, because we have to be aware of it, to observe, to protect ourselves.
Men deny it, say it's something else, confidence or mental illness, or a bad day. And they don't need to talk about it, because it's not a big deal, ok?
You can't deny that male violence is prevalent in all cultures: rape, murder, assault, fistfights, wars are walmost the exclusive domain of men.
We need to change that - but it has to come from men.
They have to recognize it, for their sake and ours.
50
@Mike
You say that "this kind of violence is not masculinity, but mental illness". I seems to be a kind of mental illness that expresses itself in men rather than women.
31
@Mike sounds like the genetic lottery produced a wolf among otherwise placid sheep. That's normal.
7
I have seen similar dynamics in a family I married into, where the father's uncontrolled rages were taken out on the son, in a multi-generational pattern (in turn, causing the parents to fight intensely about how to rear him, but no one really on his side because his mom hated men), causing the son to feel deeply insecure around other men and go on a lifelong quest of appeasing bullies.
2
This article began as an interesting story, but the concluding paragraphs make it a powerful statement about what it means to be a man today grappling with the damage which our patriarchy causes while also benefiting from it.
3
I think many people here are missing the forest for the trees. Yes this man’s assault is due to mental illness (paranoid psychosis with a healthy topping of testosterone), but the author is telling a bigger story about how people are often attracted to, and excuse, male aggression.
I have known many people like this cousin and, more appalling than the aggressive behaviors themselves, are the otherwise normal people who enable the negative behaviors.
648
But the author makes the point that others were actually turned off by his cousin’s behavior. The author was attracted to it. If there’s a bigger picture, I’m missing it as well.
14
@Noel M-Isn't aggressive behavior to the point of violence still widely valued and celebrated in U.S. culture? The author was definitely conflicted but finding relief in someone bigger and more powerful; capable of protecting him and acting out his revenge fantasies. Growing up the author experienced intense shaming, humiliation, bullying, and powerlessness--some of it at the hands of his own family. Deeply painful and wounding experiences. Makes sense that he would numb out and look for ways to escape as an adult.
18
Fascinating, probing, insightful look into the author's long journey to self awareness. However, as someone who was married to a mentally ill man for 30 years, I do think that the cousin's behavior and rage are not just toxic masculinity. Aural and visual delusions, thinking others are out to get you, raging against supposed slights, questioning a spouse's fidelity — all are common symptoms of mental illnesses. My ex-husband accused me of meeting men in our home when he was in another room, set up tape recorders in my home and car to "catch" me cheating, would wake me at 3 am to convince me the people at work were plotting against him, and on and on. He was diagnosed with paranoia, borderline personality disorder and bi-polar disorder. Drug and talk therapy didn't help. When he developed a new interest in guns and totaled his car driving drunk, I left. If he'd also been ingesting testosterone I can't imagine what might have happened. I believe the cousin in this piece has obvious psychiatric/mental health issues and to ignore or deny that is naive.
16
Men like the writer's cousin were the subject of my dissertation. Sadly, they are not very unique.
Given what was written about the cousin's childhood, adolescence, and adulthood it seems clear to me that this person has antisocial personality disorder, and at the time of the attack, some kind of psychotic disorder.
People like this should be incarcerated, not idolized. I have long argued that we should keep non-violent offenders (i.e. drugs) out of jails and prisons and save that space for people like the cousin. Anyone who inflicts this kind of brutality on another person should stay in a cell for a long, long time.
397
@Rose A much deeper and more whole effective path would perhaps be provide the resources and opportunities to get the violent cousin on a path to healing through diagnosis, treatment mentally and hormonally and counselling. Otherwise, it's a wasted human life and money is spent on prisons instead of healing a human being. Incarceration may be necessary to protect society, but hopefully, efforts to provide healing and social reintegration of the mentally ill will become a more accepted and logical course of public safety and health policy. We have the most incarcerated citizens than any nation on earth and huge homeless and mental health issues to solve.
45
@Pastananda you are right... to a point, I think. Psychopathy when cemented by years of unpunished violent behavior is very hard to treat or rehabilitate. I'm actually advocating fewer people in prisons - save incarceration for the ones who are too violent to be among us and divert any non-violent offender to community based services. Treatment while in prison may help those who have antisocial personality disorder and protect the rest of us.
55
@Rose
I would say that the cousin has a history of trauma, he was sexually assaulted in some way while in the military, and an underlying mental illness no doubt aggravated by the effects of testosterone. He was having paranoid psychotic symptoms, and flew into a rage. His violence is not excused by any of this, but explained. There is no reason to think that he has antisocial personality disorder- he was sorry for the violence he inflicted, and ashamed. And There is no reason to believe that a long time spent behind bars, in a violent and further traumatizing atmosphere would serve anyone in this situation. He should pay for his violent crime yes, but incarceration is not a good way for this man to move forward positively in his life, nor is it a good way to ensure he learns how to control his symptoms in the future.
18
It seems soul-crushing that men are expected to shoulder the sole responsibility of providing for the family. Overwhelming. But the fear and insecurity and lack of self-worth of women who are solely dependent on soul-crushed men is just as devastating and is soul-crushing to the women too.
6
As a compliment to the writer and the NYT for publishing it, this is a singular piece of auto-biography. Its violence, openness about gender fluidity, the crushing responsibility of family and the writer's use of his cousin to escape it all (and the consequences) makes it a gripping read from start to finish. It is so well-written. I must add that I'm not so convinced about its exploration of masculinity as a theme.
This is definitely something I will recommend my friends read. As a gay man, a lot of people believe that we decide to forgo masculinity but even I have to admit that the idea is enticing. The idea of the man being a hard, stoic and rugged symbol is prevalent in culture almost to the point where it could be considered pornographic. (In some cases it’s literally pornographic but i won’t talk about that in the comments section.)
The thing about these fantasies and stories in general is that we as human beings love these stories. But we also have to recognize that maybe, maybe it’s okay for the tough rugged lumberjack to be vulnerable. To cry. To want a hug and to be the little spoon.
At my own work place, my desk is surrounded by women who talk about men like masculinity is a fact and that guys have to be like that. I often times find myself saying that forcing men into these roles is just as sexist as telling a woman she has to be a stay at home mom. But these identities, as said in the article, are built into our social psyche. We have to work to change that perception over time. Redefining the idea of masculinity and even femininity is important to making sure that men and women grow up happy, healthy, equal and not on the verge of bashing out cousins skulls in.
8
Incredible story.
I was spellbound from the beginning. Several times in the past I have been the target of the *snap* of a privileged, white, older man. It came with no warning and without and foreshadowing. It's terrifying to witness someone I loved become unrecognizable in an instant. Afterward he found many ways to make me partially responsible. Toxic masculinity is a real problem.
Thank you for sharing your story and asking compelling questions about what is masculinity.
241
@Irene
When I see the statement of "privileged, white, older man" I ask myself why does this woman dislike men. You've been the target of the "snap" several times and it's the fault of "toxic masculinity." Of course, you loved them, and all of a sudden they turn on you. It has to be them, nothing you've done warranted such behavior. You can defend yourself however you want, but once you make these generalized comments you lose all credibility.
4
You don’t have to dislike men to be on the receiving end of their violence.
40
@Irene It is an example, one too detailed in its telling, of how all humans are on a scale of being violent and at times nearly out of control. It could have ended much worse with a child being the object of the violence, or more bleeding than 'simple' hospitalization could cure.
This would have been a nice several page account. For reasons completely unknown and very distracting, the author felt compelled to include square footage of rooms, colors of wood, and type of trees that added absolutely nothing to the key message. There was so much junk that for me I had to begin skipping useless paragraphs that completely diluted the message and the impact of the words that did matter.
The telling was important. How it was told was far from captivating and I nearly stopped to avoid having the chaff cover the wheat.
5
A compelling personal history - but searing personal experience does not qualify one to opine, or in this case speculate, about the biological, familial or sociological underpinnings of either his cousin’s or his own behaviors, let alone cite his example as a lesson for society at large. Were the 2 young men who recently gave their lives in school shootings to save others on the “good” end of “toxic” masculinity? The tendency to generalize from one’s own experience - or from too little data - is a well documented flaw in our analytical capabilities.
7
What a great, powerful and well written article!
2
The real subtext of this story is what happens to families when the parents make poor life decisions. Why on earth would these two people move to the mountains when there was no way they could both work? When they'd have to raise children with zero support? When they were miles away from civilization? And then move to Baltimore to a home that required extensive renovation? Like they weren't stressed out enough? My mind is blown. The decision to re-contact the cousin was just one of a string of unbelievably poor decisions. I hope this jolts them into thinking much more carefully and deeply about the decisions they make, not just for themselves but for their children.
709
@it wasn't me
Renovating the house in Baltimore was just a socially acceptable way of escaping from the family life that had also irked him before.
Some people are simply not good parent material - and I'm saying this without trying to be mean; it's just a factual observation. Parenthood is all about responsibility and selflessness - you have to possess it.
Sometimes, those traits can appear later in life, when "late-blooming" people mature.
Also, the burdens of parenthood need to be shared with an extended family - but in this day and age, multigenerational families living together are rare. It should change.
46
@it wasn't me
You nailed it. This was about a consistent amount of poor choices made by both the author and his wife. Re-locating without consideration of the job market, not really discussing the child question, avoiding responsibility at home, sacrificing a career for a spouse, and wanting to flee said responsibilities. The assault aside, the author seemed to be in search of anything beyond his familial commitments.
42
@it wasn't me Nailed It. Thanks for a healthy dose of reality.
17
This crushed and enlightened. Every man should study this essay, reflect upon it, they should let this searing assessment of the dangerous consequences inherent in the myth American manhood, and let it permeate their souls. Then they should pass it this story on. Further, it should be required reading in every high school curriculum. I will personally be reading it again now.
1
It's interesting that the cousin did not seem to have any friends except the author. He must have exulted by how much he impressed the author with his tales of daring do. And it seems the author was the only one impressed, as classmates avoided him giving him no opportunity to brag of his exploits. I think the wife sensed the control this cousin had over her husband, knew it was unhealthy, and stayed clear of him.
The author throws it all out there. His joy of independence, his bisexuality, and his weakness for authoritarian figures. I wish, though, that he had listened to his wife and stayed clear of this man. This story doesn't seem over. There's still some reckoning to do.
7
As many a wife can testify, testosterone supplements can shorten a man's fuse. A real man will moderate the dosage so as not to harm or intimidate others.
5
I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss the testosterone supplement from suspicion for having at the least a supplemental effect on the cousin's sudden and violent mood and behavior changes. We still don't have a complete understanding of steroids' and hormones' effects on the human body and brain.
192
@Glen
Perhaps I should add that the impetus for my comment above is based on happenings in my extended family relationships.
13
@Glen Nonsense, millions of men take testosterone supplements to avoid the often debilitating effects of low-t, and very few "snap" in this manner. Low T is in itself debilitating, and causes a host of symptoms, including depression, fatigue, lethargy, inability to concentrate, etc. Not treating low T is the real problem for most men over 45, similar to the female version, menopause. We treat women for these issues, why not treat men similarly?
1
@Mannyar Well, Mannyar, "low t" is a marketing phrase, not a medical one, and there should be no reason in the world for a buff, bulked up man in his 30's to be "low" in testosterone and "needing" to raise his levels. I'm in my 70's and very few women my age range (going by the history of my wife, my sisters and sisters-in-law and good female friends) are taking estrogen to "treat" their "shortfall." And, not one of my male relatives (aside from the one suggested by my addendum to my comment) or friends are taking testosterone supplements. The "need" you imply is more Madison Avenue hype than a medical crisis.
36
Actually there are many studies that are quite relevant to the facts laid out in this article:
Medical Journal of Australia 2007 study of people who committed homicide during psychotic episodes found that two thirds believed they were in danger from the victim and two thirds of them reported abusing cannabis, more than alcohol and other drugs combined.
Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2012 study of 9,000 adolescents found marijuana use was associated with a doubling of violence.
Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology study of 6,000 men found that drug use was associated with a five-fold increase in violence and the drug used is almost always cannabis.
Schizophrenia Bulletin, 2014: the largest ever study of the effects of the main psychoactive component of cannabis suggests that it can cause paranoia in vulnerable individuals
177
In any of those studies, were there controls for pre-existing mental illness? Or recognition of bias of those studying it based on laws in the area the study was conducted?
I find it incredibly hard to be believe that cannabis use would make anyone violent, but I find it incredibly easy to believe that people prone to violence due to pre-existing anger issues are drawn to cannabis to try to minimize those anger responses.
I would love to know who paid for the studies listed, and what they have to gain from putting out that kind of a bias as fact.
46
@Sean I used to think of cannabis as harmless. But in some people it triggers psychotic episodes. That's been proven. And it can cause paranoia. I am not qualified to offer a diagnosis even if I knew these men well and were present during the episode. Much less so just reading a single article about the events and the people involved.
10
@Tori L Don´t know about the cousin, but re pot:
It´s generally fine, but if you happen to be someone with high baseline levels of dopamine (people with a "slow" COMT gene function, for example), it can induce paranoia and fear-based responses. These people are likely already having trouble sleeping, mood-disorders, etc.
More than anything, if you´re using it to self-medicate, it´s just another thing that´s messing up your dopamine levels on a regular basis.
18
A psychologist might say that the author’s relationship with his father was toxic and abusive and so all expressions of strength/power/adamance/fraternity thereby appear toxic to the author. But strength/power/adamance/sorority are well accepted and celebrated as feminist virtues so perhaps it’s all in the way we balance ourselves: strength but tenderness, power but reserve, adamance only when we are sure of its virtue, fraternity with all creatures, not merely a club. Some might say that merely tearing down all those assumptions about masculinity will leave a man even deeper in self conflict. Rather, a man must pass through the innate conflicts and come out the other side, in some kind of wisdom.
Wow.
I couldn’t put this down. I read this in the car at stoplights, in the bathroom, while I should have been playing with my kids...everywhere. I read it until I finished, absolutely enthralled and terrified at the same time.
I commend you for writing such a real and open piece about your life and your loves and your disappointments and your mistakes. It’s hard to be vulnerable, especially at this time in history, and you did it seemingly seamlessly.
Good luck to you and all you wish for.
10
Absolutely beautiful and devastating. Such honesty in this. Kudos to the author and the Times. More like this, please.
17
I wish we were given more of an insight into the cousin's upbringing. We are given a deep (and courageous) look into the author's past and upbringing, but not the cousin's. I think that would shed a light into whether this truly was a story about toxic masculinity or something else (mental illness, perhaps).
Regardless, I think it is fascinating and devastating how Wil was able to pull the death of his marriage and this beating around one central theme of masculinity.
20
@Chase Yes, I agree. Not to mention his history of concussion and military sexual trauma. I understand that the author is trying to make sense of a deeply disturbing, life-upending series of events, but there are well-understood factors that may contribute to such a “snap,” many of which have been amply explored by NYT, so I’m somewhat baffled that they aren’t at least mentioned. This narrative of his seems as “1953” as he described his marriage to be.
About testosterone & aggression - my husband commutes by bike sometimes to keep in shape, a strenuous ride that takes 2 hours each way. It's on a bike path, so no anxiety about being hit by a car. But I noticed on days he biked home he was edgy and short-tempered on arrival, then went back to his usual mellow self a half hour or so later.
The body ups testosterone and adrenaline production during strenuous exercise. He's a neurobiologist, so when I described my observation, he immediately knew I was on to something. He self-observed on back-to-back days and weeks of biking and not biking, and agreed with me. Now when he bikes home, we say hi but otherwise wait to talk until after he's done with his stretches and shower, and all is well.
So yes, if the cousin was taking testosterone recreationally, that could totally have messed with his head, mood, and decision-making.
33
I've noticed this about myself following moderate exertion, that I feel aggressive for a period of time afterwards. I'm female and don't take any hormonal supplements.
Humans are weird, and there's so much we don't understand.
5
@UA Interesting. I go to the gym in the middle of the day, usually stressed out and annoyed from work. By the end of a workout, I'm feeling relaxed and centered again. That's also the experience of friends of mine. I guess the effects just vary from person to person.
3
Wil, thank you for your compelling and remarkably courageous piece. As writers we take that leap of courage and trust that we won’t be judged when we write an honest and revelatory piece. It’s a cathartic process but ultimately a courageous one. Thank you for leaping empty handed into the abyss of trusting your readers.
20
@Leah Oettinger
"...leaping empty-handed into the abyss of trusting your readers."
What a great observation of the fearlessness required to produce honest works of many kinds, especially in the arts.
1
All throughout this piece are the themes of anger and fear. Anger, in all its forms, needs to be identified and dealt with at every age and at every turn. The mental health damage that results from anger and fear is devastating and I'd guess accounts for a majority of health issues today.
Adherence to archetypes and puritanical roles is presented as the one, true avenue for most boys growing up. Anger and fear are never examined, except maybe when one is being punished for some transgression, where understanding the root causes is nowhere to be found.
I wonder if the author recognizes how anger dominates every paragraph in some form. I read here how he accepts and identifies his fears. Anger is a product of underlying fears. Fear of harm, of not measuring up, of not being accepted. The list goes on and on.
How relevant testosterone is in this big picture of male mental health is a good question. Physically it can be devastating to a male who lacks enough during his first 40 years. And the anger in a low testosterone identified male may be more often directed inward as the over abundance of it can be seen in obvious outward ways through rage, aggression, over competitiveness and criminal behavior.
A helpful way to help increase the overall health in society would have a mental health component of medical treatment for everyone, starting at an early age, dealing with anger and fear.
12
I thought this article was fascinating, especially because of the amazing array of reader responses it evoked. What a worthwhile discussion! Thank you to the author and to all the commenters.
17
I know, right?! It’s like everyone read different articles. So, when reading a piece like this I TRY to just take in all the facts and see the point of view the author presents, and let it sit for a while.
I don’t think this story is really about all the specifics - Why the cousin attacked. Why the author did this or that. - It’s about the big picture, all the choices made that revolve around anger and self-image and expectations and masculinity. I suppose the overarching question is: Am I doing what makes me truly happy? Oof that’s a hard one.
1
A very powerful story.
I'm from the same region as the author's cousin, and I can attest to a very intense, inflexible definition of masculinity and manhood being really pervasive there.
It's one of the reasons why, despite a deep love for home and many of the people there, I ran from it as soon as I could, as if I was on fire.
59
Powerful writing. Your observations are helpful to me, as I’m sure they are to many. Thank you.
15
incredible piece. thank you. i am curious how your experience with homosexuality (if you would call it that) informed your relationship to masculinity and your cousin. it's an interesting blip in the piece. I'm so curious about this paragraph. do you not believe that now because you realize these things are so deeply ingrained that it's not simply a matter of intellectual choice? thank you again for writing such a brave piece.
"By the time I reconnected with the woman from high school, I had come to a maddeningly simple conclusion. I believed that the conventions of male identity were toxic but ultimately toothless. The crusty archetypes of my father’s cowboy movies and a thousand cultural narratives, the expectations for how a man should live and feel, whom he could love and in what ways — they could all be thrown aside. A man was free to be as he was. He defined the terms of masculinity for himself. He could love other men and welcome intimate relationships in whatever form they came. Finding a more fluid gender identity was as simple as choosing to. This is what I believed"
8
@yvonne, I read the same-sex encounter and subsequent relationship as just an expression of sexual exploration. Sexual attraction exists on a spectrum. Many — or perhaps most — of us are not 100 percent straight or gay, with no confusing thoughts in the other direction. For many self-described “straight” people, it is only the restrictions placed on them by society, family or religion that keeps them from testing their feelings (no matter how transient, those feelings do pop up) for someone of the same gender. Or fear.
@Passion for Peaches I hear this point of view a lot and I'm curious as to how you verify that "many" straight people are somehow actually attracted to same sex relationships, but don't act on them. I
I suspect that that's more the wishful thinking of people who ARE attracted to such relationships. All of us want to believe that we're backed by a majority, even if it's a "silent majority".
I’m in my mid-70s and grew up in a military family – Air Force. Father involved in early testing of atomic weapons. Died of cancer at 60. He sought to raise me and my younger brothers according to ethics and scruples he had learned from his parents, his father a civil engineer. He was demanding of me as the oldest son. Corporal punishment for infractions when we were younger. He enjoyed drinking martinis with my mother. Sometimes they would have heated arguments. Never violent. He controlled his temper except for a few times when my youngest brother challenged him. He once threw a coffee mug at him when he hesitated to load the dishwasher. He rued losing control.
I’ve lived in different societies around the world, including Germany and I’ve come to the conclusion that the deep-seated cultural reliance upon masculine individuality in our own has its toxic side. In other cultures, communal sharing and cooperation are more prevalent and temper male behavior. There is a more egalitarian ethic in these societies (Asian, mostly) where adherence to a pecking order keeps families together and delineates areas of responsibility. In our culture, a man has to prove his manhood and physical violence is one way to do it. This has long been depicted in song, story, film, and sports. The suicide rate among PTSD veterans reveals how this has isolated so many young men and given them few choices for other ways of becoming productive, loving men free of the image of the wild West gunslinger.
28
Quite an amazing story and revelation. I commend the author for putting his experience to writing, that if the first step toward healing. Many others have similar experience, but don't come to a reflection point.
Not to be too cliche here, but I'd say that teaching the Humanities, in particular, Philosophy, can at least help open ones eyes to the notions of certain roles and traits and provide the venue to question their value. I can reflect on 2 distinct period in my life were my behavior was destructive. When I found and being to study Philosophy, in particular Aristotle, Kierkegaard & Wittgenstein, I begin to put in place a foundation for my historical action and then stripped it bare and rebuilt who I wanted to be. Yes, I may have wasted years, but I reached that point and it was enlightening. All I can say is, we as humans, can take the easy road or the difficult road. The difficult road tests and teaches us. Pushes us to reach out beyond what we were certain of, can make us feel both small as a piece of sand or as large as an ocean. We must master ourselves and strive for the good life, as Aristotle put its "Eudamonia". We must demand more of ourselves.
11
@WI Transplant
The only problem with the philosophical prescription is that there is a lot of misogyny in it, particularly in Aristotle, that engenders a sort of thinking based on male supremacy and feeds the destructive convention of male egotism.
2
Years ago I had a landlady, a woman in her 80s, who was careful about who she accepted as a tentant.
Her explanation: "Don't invite trouble."
33
@Jon
Most females learn this early when dealing with males. They have to.
7
Thank you so much for your honest, thoughtful and well written share. I have struggled my entire life with these issues and still do in spite of a fair amount of therapy, reflection and study. I am 72 years old and joined the military in 1966 with the intention of becoming a Green Beret hero and thus making up for dropping out of college and failing at sports and at being "a man". The US Army thought better of that idea and sent me to Germany instead and I have spent much of the time since feeling guilty about not going. Intellectually this makes no sense to me but I can't seem to shake it and to me it is a testimony to how deep these masculinity constructs are embedded in our pysches. It seems we've made some progress away from this but a glance at curent TV shows and movies will reveal that the old thinking is sadly very much alive.
35
I saw it, very early on in the story -- clearly, something was amiss. Not just amiss, but there was an underlying psycho-sociopathic behavior on display -- for all to see.
Me thinks that the author was and is in denial. It's a brilliant piece, however, and I thank him for sharing that.
In my experience, "denial", deep denial, is, itself, a form of mental illness. I see it within my own biological family -- the deep denial.
The active art of "denying" is, in my feeling, the by-product of overly-identifying with the ego, and "all things human".
39
@ams I totally agree with you about the evidence of denial, and it seems as though the author is still unconscious of that denial. A fascinating book by a one-time NY Times contributor: "Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception," by Daniel Goleman. Self-deception goes very deep and its main purpose seems to be to avoid pain, with the adaptive unconscious doing what it can to protect the person.
5
I loved the writing even if back stories got a bit gummy. Not convinced that traditional masculinity should bear the brunt of the blame for such aggression and violence in a person, or for that matter, in our society. It is a far more complex problem that wreaks disaster on both the personal and public level. A decent mental health system in this country is good starting point. I experienced an attack similar to the one depicted in the story. The person was having a psychotic breakdown and was later diagnosed as schizophrenic. Thanks to an enlightened state mental health policy he was able to find treatment, maintain medication, and more importantly, accept forgiveness.
37
@Teresa V
The mental health issue at hand, as the author eloquently explains, is traditional masculinity. a construct that affirms dominance and violence. It would be better to amend this social construct than medicate the tough guy. Treating the symptoms does not do much towards conquering the disease.
2
@csk
Blaming traditional masculinity is as facile as blaming the insufficient mental health system, in my opinion. It seems clear to me that this man has some sort of mental illness (diagnosed or not), the expression of which was clearly exacerbated by his notions of what it is to be a man. Medication is not a panacea, but in many cases it is a useful first step, without which other therapeutic interventions would not be possible.
7
@Teresa V No doubt. His cousin is off the rails. His behavior is criminal and hearing things that aren't there is nuts. Blaming toxic masculinity for mental illness is a joke. Enjoyed the piece tho. Couldn't stop reading it.
3
This is a cautionary tale for all men, and especially in how they relate to their sons. “Dominance, adamance, certitude” — these are the default male traits that too often I have fallen back on in my marriage and in my relations with my kids, especially my oldest, 8-year-old son. I’m luckier than the writer; my marriage and my family are still intact.
But how do I navigate myself out of that fall-back pattern of always having to be right, in control, and unwavering? I don’t know—I’ve struggled with it for years and, despite plenty of therapy, I don’t entirely have a handle on it. But this piece has inspired me to try even harder to be better man. Thank you, Mr. Hylton.
44
When regular psychodynamic psychotherapy fails to resolve problematic behaviors, it's wise to enter psychoanalysis.
Only by centering and taking very seriously the role of the unconscious in how we feel and act can some of our impulses be understood and mastered. I wish you good luck and a more examined life.
@S.S.
I'm sorry, but aggressiveness is just as prevailent in women. It just doesn't manifest itself as physical first fight violence. have you honestly never witnessed women go on road rage with complete disregard for the safety of those around them?
2
@kenenth There are exceptions, of course.
What an absolutely incredible piece. Hats off to you, Wil.
23
When I was old enough and experienced enough to “know better,” I fell for a dangerous man. I have wondered and analyzed, and still I have no definitive explanation; and I know I never will. I know that my family history was involved: that because I grew up with a violent father who carried around rage at his own father’s violence, I was disposed in a certain way to a hazardous romance.
Because I had a strong sense of self really due to luck, the attraction never developed into a full-blown relationship. I saw the charm for what it was – even as I was charmed. I know I am fortunate that I had the resources for retaining my autonomy and health; at the same time, I miss this man.
People who have never been caught in such a spell, who do not feel the pull of intergenerational pain and violence, maybe cannot understand these “bad decisions." It takes a lot of work to untangle family histories, to develop the sense of self that can be crucial for avoiding such situations; and powerful attachments can form well before there is the requisite maturity level. It is folly to dismiss the intermixed pain and joy of others without a basis for understanding the alchemy of such relationships.
I am always seeking insight into the male side of these stories. Mr. Hylton’s article gave me insight, and I am grateful for it. I sympathize with his lifelong effort to understand violence; I believe his public coming to terms is a contribution to what is hopefully a sea change in our culture.
58
@mrn-The 12-Steps "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Children" provides amazing insights and documentation of these affects.
This was a fascinating read. Very well written and well paced. I really felt the author's emotion and his intense confusion. I think that it is a very important, trenchant reflection on masculinity.
27
@R\
Fit for a Psychiatrist's session ,I thought the writing was poor and reflective of the 1970's "Oh woe is me" mileau.
Many of us have bad times eve physical punishment from relatives so...?
3
A couple of commenters have suggested PTSD - but I would caution that a third-hand retelling of the attacker's military career makes me wonder if he ever saw combat. That PTSD can occur in non-combat situations, I have no doubt. But it's common enough to see junior enlisted from broken homes with significant issues; they rarely hide it well enough to continue serving.
15
@DMH, but the cousin did not continue serving. He was thrown out, yes? The violent, dominating behavior the cousin exhibited even as a child makes me wonder whether he was bashed around or otherwise abused at home, when young. Any number of non-combat traumas can manifest later in life as PTSD. To imagine possible scenarios for that man’s life would be pure speculation, though.
I think the paranoid behavior and the out-of-the-blue assault in the tool shed might have been caused by testosterone supplement he was taking. Especially since a subsequent psychological evaluation showed the man to be clear of mental illness. If he had a volatile temperament to begin with, an uptick in testosterone could tip him into ‘roid rage. Paranoia, jealousy and sudden bouts of anger are all symptoms of steroid abuse.
I hope that Cousin’s wife and children feel safe in the home. The writer did not make that clear.
1
@DMH
I’d be more suspicious of PTSD from childhood physical or sexual abuse.
2
This was a gripping piece by an amazingly talented writer. However, I don't think Hylton's attempt to use his marriage as an example of toxic masculinity's dangers quite works—in fact, it kind of undermines his point. It suggests that his wife had no agency whatsoever. For example, wasn't the decision to move to an isolated spot in the mountains—with little to no opportunity for her to pursue a career—a mutual one? Hylton describes his relentless focus on work and consequent neglect of his family as a personal failing—and yet, as the sole breadwinner, what choice did he have? Trying to support a family via freelance work can be tenuous in the best of circumstances. His wife apparently assented to the arrangement. He's either being too hard on himself or is stretching a little here.
51
@Andymac, I don’t think that is fair, or accurate. It’s easy for a couple to fall into a way of living that they never wanted. It happens by inches, a choice at a time. And before you know it you are trapped in a life you don’t want, and you have built the bars of your own cage. All due to your own lack of foresight. I thought the writer made that process clear in the telling.
I was puzzled by many things in this piece, but that part of the story resonated with me. I’ve seen it happen to so many couples, and I have seen it end in divorce. It’s a common predicament, even if the details vary.
As for the neglect of family and the constant travel for work, the point the writer was making is that he enjoyed having that escape from domestic life. I understand that. My husband travels a lot for work, and I have no doubt that for many of the trips (to exciting places) he drives away from our chaotic house with a smile. I don’t blame him for that. It’s good to get away from the humdrum duties of daily life. However, my husband is not running away from the onus of parenting two young children. Big difference there. The writer admits to having morphed into a real jerk of a husband and father, when he lived in the mountains. A trope. Good or him for being honest. But I felt pity for for his wife and kids. So glad she escaped that trap and got the kids out of there.
7
I disagree. Couples agree to these arrangements all the time without understanding what they are getting into. The author writes that he wasn't just working, but purposely alienating himself from her. He knew how awful it was to be alone with a screaming child, how lonely she probably was during that time. Yet instead of turning to her he turned to this toxic cousin and gave his support to him. He emotionally abandoned his wife and he sees that now.
10
@AE-Agree. Both the author and his wife sound like they were well-intentioned and committed but significantly under-resourced and trying to make the best of it. The continually crying infant may have been signaling physical distress in need of a specialist's assessment. (Like a visit with an osteopath.) People often cope with stress by reverting to childhood survival patterns. Very difficult to climb out and see the patterns. I give the author and his wife huge credit for making the effort and doing what they can to parent from a more enlightened place.
Amazing! You are a great writer. I couldn't stop reading it. Tough life events are always eye opening. But I just love the bird's eye view that you portray of that event, linking it to so many social issues that our society is currently battling. Thank you!
14
Just because this self-centered writer couldn't maintain hobbies, family, and his marriage does not mean others cannot.
It sounded like a far-fetched tale about how his children and wife prevented him from living in the mountains and riding in centuries across America.
46
If that is what you took away, I think you very much missed the point.
One person's "self-centered" is another's heartfelt attempt at understanding life in all its complexities and challenges.
I was, and apparently many others were, struck by the writer's willingness to probe deeply - and commitment to then share with a broad audience, some of whom were sure to misunderstand and judge. I say that not to disparage you but to honor, validate and thank him.
3
I beg to differ. Neither the collapse of his marriage nor the assault by his cousin had anything to do with self-centeredness. The author looks deeply into his behavior and owns it. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fail. I found his courage compelling. To delve that deeply as a writer, and lay yourself bare, is not easy. I respect that type of courage.
2
@JTinNC
The story seems very embellished, reminds me of "A Million Little Pieces". I'd love to hear the perspective of hs wife at the time.
I have to wonder about the veracity of this story because the writer claims he doesn't know why his cousin tried to kill him. Yet, he lays out a trail of bread crumbs that clearly shows his cousin was a long time sociopath. The guy even beat a young girl as a kid. The writer shouldn't be surprised at his cousin's behavior because it was a long time behavior he had been aware of and simply chose to ignore. The cousin also clearly gives an answer as to why he beat the writer. The cousin was paranoid and thought the guy was up to doing things against him. The cousins violence is not any kind of masculinity. He was a bully and a sociopath. What the cousin displayed is a nowhere near masculine or being a man. A man can be brave, know how to fight, hunt, etc. But is also courteous, respectful and doesn't harm people for kicks. Again, the writer's cousin was and is simply a bully, an abuser, and a sociopath. The guy is nowhere near masculine. He is overcompensating for is feelings of inferiority.
206
@Antonio
My takeaway was that the imposition of a masculinity on boys and men contributed to his cousin's outburst. Plenty of sociopaths manage to not harm someone. The problem stems when inherent strength is compounded with insecurities born from chasing whatever masculine trope he felt he had to live up to.
I don't think redefining masculinity to encompass positive traits will do much to change the situation. Physical and mental strength always has been and always will be a trope of masculinity, and the way people interpret that and attempt to reproduce it is what leads to situations like these.
2
I had the exact thoughts. I was actually surprised that his parents allowed him to spend time with his cousin ( I know it’s family.) Even at a young age, the cousin clearly showed evidence of being emotionally disturbed. Blaming the testosterone also does not hold ground in my opinion. There is no evidence that high amounts of this hormone lead to increased violence. His guilt about his failed marriage seems kind of far fetched. Their set up in the countryside was a mutual agreement. His wife was not a naive 20 year-old with her head in the clouds. She was an educated professional who agreed to move. It didn’t work out. So what!
7
I clawed through this long, rambling piece trying to find the answer to a nagging — unanswered — question. Why would the writer expose his son to a man he knew to be violent and unpredictable? His wife knew to avoid the crazy cousin, from early on, and to keep her daughter at home for the ill-fated birthday trip. Where was the father’s parental instinct to protect his child from potential danger? And why would the writer’s wife allow her husband to take their boy to that toxic household?
Clearly, I don’t understand the “bro” culture. Nor do I want to. I feel sadness for the children in these households.
241
@Passion for Peaches
That was one of my reactions as well. Whoa: exactly what were the decisions that led up to the weekend trip?
15
@Passion for Peaches This is a really important question. It's clear that the author got a real "high" from hanging out with his cousin in his youth (think of all the barely mentioned laughs in between the outbursts that must have held that relationship together), and even if a small part of his subconscious knew of his cousin's destructiveness as a parent later on, he may in some ways wanted to give his son the same thrills of trading fist pounds with this jester-king of early adolescent humor and bravado that never grew out of it.
Perhaps it's not too dissimilar to a father that quietly pushes his son or daughter to try the rope swing into the pond that he remembers so fondly from his youth, overlooking that the rope is a bit frayed now and forgetting the rocky ledge that needs to be cleared first.
I think if you overlook the brutal beating which is hard to comprehend, this article speaks to so many more everyday experiences of being a father/man/parent/etc.
It's beautiful in that way.
6
@Passion for Peaches Here in Norway, the law gives no support to separated parents who object to stuff the other parent wants to do with the kids on "their" time. You just don't have a say in it. I don't know how the laws are in the author's state, but guess that that probably is part of the reason.
5
The likelihood that the cousin has read this piece in today’s NYT is surely not lost on Will S.Hylton. Given his ongoing evident lack of clarity about his own motivations I wonder whether Hylton’s spectacular self-exposure has been an act of therapy, or something slightly more complicated. I wonder whether, as readers of this morning’s newspaper, we have become active participants.
18
@Tom, don’t you think he ran this revealing piece by his family before publishing it? Even if he didn’t, though, it was his story to tell.
Some well-regarded author (a woman, I am sure, but I forget who) famously said that we all own our own stories. She advised writers to put aside concerns for protecting any people who have touched the writers’ lives in negative ways, and to keep in mind that if those people were worried about showing up in stories and essays they should have been nicer.
10
The thread of mental illness in this piece is impossible to miss. The author was a fragile boy. The cousin fragile too but better coping skills and more able to compensate.
Terrifying way to live. Either side.
19
@Nancy, your comment illustrates toxic masculinity in just two sentences.
I'm especially curious about the second one: "The cousin fragile too but better coping skills and more able to compensate." Stunning take-away.
3
@Nancy. Not better coping skills. Maybe more efficient. I would diagnose him with schizoaffective disorder at least and a bunch of other personality disorders.
Shocking to read about the level of violence. I think of my two grandfathers, one a cardiologist with an old European elegance, and the other a retired colonel with an old Southern gentility, and I wonder where the adult men have gone?
My colonel grandfather was a West Point graduate and a career military officer. I never saw in him the kind of manic bottled up rage and fury that I’ve seen in a number of today’s younger soldiers. My grandfather surely must have experienced a great deal of crude masculine force, but if he ever had any toxic anger in him, he must have figured out how to quietly release it.
My doctor grandfather was also an avid reader and an amateur musician. Like my colonel grandfather, he lived a busy life with many outlets for self-expression. I don’t know I simply got lucky with these grandfathers (and subsequently my father who still has a boyish enthusiasm and joy for life in his nineties) or if our culture has changed.
It does concern me that the era of a growth in prescribed drugs (from psychiatric to performance-enhancing to analgesic) took off in the 1980’s at the same time that it seemed like fewer people were growing up to be well-balanced adults.
A complete evaluation of the author's cousin from his genetics (normal testosterone range? brain function?), environmental history (treatment by men in his life), substance use (prescribed and other?), and detailed cognitive exam would seem necessary before we could understand why he is so troubled.
19
The author is a gifted writer. It was an intriguing and thought-provoking read.
The author is very obsessed with masculinity (though the same can be said about a lot of people). Unfortunately, obsessions are usually unhealthy. Self-examination is a good endeavour, but it is easy to focus on red herrings. Masculinity (or the obsessive pursuit of it) should not be blamed for everything.
There’s often joy and freedom in releasing oneself from the chains of male archetypes and expectations from society.
Traditional male archetypes are a poor fit in the modern technology-driven world. Let go of them. They're a prison really and so not worth it.
12
Each of us writes our own narrative, and each of us risks the judgments of others. I hope the author found some healing in sharing his story.
I'm sorry that this happened to you.
15
His cousin has very clear signs of steroid psychosis. Testosterone causes rage when overused. His hearing voices, hair trigger temper, and love of all things violent are all consistent with steroid use (non medical supplementation). It also sounds as though his cousin was mentally ill as an adolescent. Normal manhood is NOT defined by pulling guns on others, arson, and substance abuse (sorry, a case of beer at a time ins NOT normal alcohol intake). What is sad is that the author didn't find any of this antisocial behavior problematic until his cousin's wrath and violence was unleashed on him. I would have never let this man near my wife and children. Very disturbing.
73
@betty-I believe the author clearly was conflicted -- that's what he writes about. He was also living far away and it's possible didn't see the evolving madness and it was to be a family gathering after all. The author is clear that he traced back and reviewed events that could have led to his cousin's explosion and his own denial. I am related to at least one charming, manipulative person with sociopathic tendencies--and can say lot of his behavior is acted out at home and off most people's radar. Children who have been abused will often hook up with these people later in life. Victims are often vulnerable, because of early bonding with caretakers who made abuse seem normal.
Yes, a riveting, disturbing, yet familiar piece.
There is a turn to violence throughout the country. And, if I might politicize bullying, these days the president is not so much the cause as the symptomatic explosion into the body politic. He appears as carrier. As patient zero spreading the infection.
He is cousin to our fascination.
The mass shootings, the unending and spreading wars, the taking of lives by suicide, abortion, domestic violence, police brutality, environmental cancers, assassinations, capital punishment, stress related seizures, heart disease, mental instability.
The mindless putdowns and bullying.
It is a troubling time.
I know neither cause nor cure. But I do know that aphasia in the face of witnessed unkindness or violence is no protection for anyone.
Thank you for wording your story.
9
Could not stop reading - what bravery he has to show the under belly of masculinity and to recognize it for what it is. Terrific work Wil. Will share with my adult boys.....
9
This is what happens when people eat too much junk food.
Oh wait, I thought we were inventing unsupported cause-and-effect. I must have the wrong room.
16
Wow. What a story, what a life. What a riveting read.
5
Your cousin's rages seem to be a combination of PTSD and prior head trauma (even a concussion). A SPECT real time radiological brain scan will probably reveal prefrontal cortex dysfunction.
There are treatments.
If the scan comes back as I predict:
I recommend he avoid Adderall (commonly prescribed to increase dopamine) and go with 5-HTP (serotonin) and nicotine gum (dopamine). It's less habit forming and less likely to cause a psychotic break like the one you experienced.
Aerobic exercise, 40HZ brainwave entrainment, and dual n-back training software can improve PFC function.
PTSD can be treated with microdoses of psilocybin and cognitive behavioral therapy.
Good luck.
5
Why do you think the cousin has PTSD? PTSD is not something that necessarily flows from military service. The cousin was stationed in Germany. No reason for PTSD. The cousin is simply a sociopath, sad but true.
1
Riveting. Thank you. I want to read more of your work.
19
I wonder how and when, during all the chaos in this man's life he became such a great writer.
20
Yes, I also wonder. Sounds like he did not even attend college though the cousin got a degree in forestry. All very bizarre
2
@ScottyL:
he wrote for a living most of his life
@ScottyL
Ever heard of Hemingway or a range of male writers who traffic in their chest thumping dysfunction?
I was floored reading this.
I don't think I have the maturity yet to embrace my own flaws or problems in the way the author has.
Some human stories can be more compelling than any fiction out there.
13
While I sympathize with the author and applaud his courage in revealing his story, he seemed totally unaware that in his marriage everything went the way he wanted it to.
He enjoyed those privileges that came with being a man such as hanging out with his cousin who was a rage monster. Its only when that rage is turned on him that he realizes what every woman already has. Its dangerous to somehow threaten male masculinity whether its not being submissive enough or inadvertently hurting their pride.
I see in another article that its Dangerous to be a Boy, well its more dangerous to be around that boy when he grows up.
Respect to the author for telling his story but he painted himself as someone who willingly sought out his cousin for company precisely because of how he felt when they hung out together.
Epiphany reached when he was getting his head bashed into the floor and not when his cousin was being the neighborhood bully.
When you hang out with a clown don't be surprised by the circus that follows.
Glad that he survived his injuries but so tired of dangerous behavior being shrugged off until it effects the person.
Tho that moment when he realized how his behavior was endangering his own family was. In fact he sounded like he didn't care about anything until his cousin tried to kill him.
If that's what it truly took for that lesson to sink in well, glad his wife and kids are away from all that.
152
@LRF the journey of self-discovery unfolds differently for all of us depending on where our privileges, bias, and identity intersect. Few people are prompted to change their assumptions or behaviors until something personally affects them - it's not a failing - it's just a part of the human condition, it's how we grow and change. It seems counterproductive to shame the author or imply his epiphany is too little too late. If we, as a society, want to heal toxic masculinity, its participants too require a safe space to explore and express their experience, so that they can continue to grow, self-reflect, and heal.
17
@LRF. Thank you for posting this. It makes me see this situation in a new and deeper light. Wish we had upvotes here. Very perceptive post.
5
@LRF
And yet, it *is* dangerous — not to mention scary, stressful and occasionally terrifying — to be a boy.
I am not naive about men. One need only look at statistics for all of humanity's worst behavior — rape, war, genocide, murder — to understand that men are dangerous.
But I'm always surprised how many women cannot, or will not, understand that the gauntlet of being raised male in this society — black or white, gay or straight, nerd or athlete — can be brutalizing and confusing.
Just because men are responsible for the lion's share of "unskillful" actions (to put it in Buddhist language) and little girls have their own burdens to bear is no reason to pretend that boys are not vulnerable, or that they do not form associations and make decisions in deference to the harsh realities of being a boy.
2
I'm glad I was a late bloomer. I often see young boys maturing physically too quickly, often without the accompanying emotional and psychological maturity. I know that life will be hard for them, when they have to deal with bosses, the opposite sex, and colleagues without the physical bravado of the school yard.
Hollywood plays a part. Hollywood fosters this ultra-masculine image.
11
@Edward I think the physical challenges are very real, but I've seen this same kind of emotional rage and disdain for authority manifest in a family member who mostly didn't have the imposing physical nature to back it up with violence. Hylton never goes beyond a general feeling that the family was in thrall to toxic masculinity, but often the ingredients of a stew like this are even more complicated than that. In my relative's case, one of the things that enabled his self-centered fury was extreme indulgence on the part of the two main female authority figures in his life, women who were actually estranged for a significant part of his childhood and yet still managed to use him as an emotional football, with the game being "let's see who can spoil him the most." (And then there are the skeletons in the closet -- we never really learn if there are any in the earlier generation of the Hylton family but as a gambling woman, I'd absolutely bet on it. I only very recently found out that in my relative's case, a very messy question of paternity is at the root of the whole dynamic. I feel like without any of this, we don't know the whole story.)
5
It seems men often hide fear behind anger and violence. The toxic masculinity the author refers to is the fear and fear of vulnerability and appearing weak. Men are often raised to associate emotions other than anger with weakness. ("Women are the weaker sex because they are emotional")
It is no surprise heart disease has been a male issue...holding in and denying emotions takes a toll on the body.
The cousin tried to talk to the author about issues that were vulnerable to him, but the author states he wouldn't engage because he needed to see his cousin's confidence and bravado. A very reflective story about relationships and toxic masculinity.
15
@Autumn Flower let's blame this person's mental illness on "toxic masculinity" cuz what you're describing here is a cause and effect that is just not there .
1
To blame this on masculinity in general is cop-out. I don't think it is stretch to say that the vast majority of men are able to channel their aggression in positive and unharmful ways. But it does seem like this author is hung up about what it does or doesn't mean to be a man. Which in my nonclinical opinion is directly tied to his own confused sexuality and the bad examples given to him by his father and cousin.
31
@Still Waiting for a NBA Title - I agree: most men are able to handle their emotions, including anger and aggression. The author is talking about those who cannot, who are forcing themselves into a version of masculinity that is toxic. What should we call that? "Toxic masculinity" sees a good name. It's certainly not all men nor all masculinity, but some men and a masculinity of a certain sort (which is toxic).
I rarely comment but on this piece I believe the author should be commended. Yes, fellow readers, it was long and he was bold with bending time which made it a long read. It was worth it. I am inspired to keep working on a harrowing tale with the very same familiar themes. There are truths here about our society and the world we will leave behind that we will be all working through with a bit more urgency in the years ahead. If you cannot imagine a world so confused and dark, please know that you are lucky and it is very real.
12
It's obvious the author has his own problems. That he would admire (worship?) this cousin and feel good being around him while the cousin intimidated others with violence - even putting a gun to a friends head insisting he break up with his girlfriend - is outside anyone's conception of normal. His own wife didn't want to be around the cousin. The author appeared to have little or no empathy for others, only concern about achieving a most twisted status through his association with this off-leash, pit bull of a cousin. This piece is deeply disturbing. I suspected his wife left him for more reasons than he knows.
155
@Lilla Victoria seems quite normal to me. Have you really never known a person who acted as a sidekick to a bully? it's so common it's a trope in fiction. I recall from my days in school that boys started admiring tough guys at least by late elementary school. Boys idolized gangster rap. Of course not ALL men do this, but the bully will always have hangers-on and admirers.
1
@Corinne I agree, but gun-to-head sort of stuff is in a different category. Even in this story it led to public condemnation.Speaking to my personal experience, the tough guy persona wasn't highly valued by the boys in my hometown neighborhood or schools. At least, I had no experience with anyone remotely similar to this cousin.
5
@Lilla Victoria And a reminder - the story includes a scene where the cousin badly beating a young girl in a parking lot. The author looked on, did nothing, and continued to fully embrace this cousin. I'll say it again, there is nothing normal here - and saying it is common (which I don't believe) doesn't make it normal.This is highly disturbing behavior from both author and cousin. .
11
Attempting murder has nothing to do with masculinity. Masculinity is a good and beautiful thing, to be respected and valued.
20
@Grittenhouse - Masculinity is a good and beautiful thing that sometimes is adopted in a way that is almost a caricature: the strong, silent, emotion-free, tough, fearless, fighter. That is the toxic version of masculinity, and that is what the author is discussing.
I have noticed other comments that attempt a kind of "no true Scotsman" argument, that such a version of masculinity is not TRUE masculinity—and that may be right. But that exists, and it is definitely something some men adopt, and "toxic masculinity" (or "a toxic version of masculinity") seems an appropriate name.
This is beautifully written.
13
Thank you for this article and your perspective. I have know and rejected toxic masculinity and it was easy surrounded by women. But now I have a son and a daughter and worry how our masculine culture affects both of them in harmful ways and how to mitigate it for their benefit and for a better society.
7
Like many of the commentators before me I don’t really recognize this slice of life - the extreme violence. But i appreciate the author’s willingness to allow immersion into his life and the broad range of masculine sexual expression and cultural identity he has explored for himself. I’m sorry so many men (and their kids and wives and lovers) have to experience the world this way.
Peace and blessings.
7
While it's probably bad form to diagnose somebody on the basis of a story on the internet, I'm going with cousin has Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, maybe Traumatic Brain Injury, and Antisocial Personality Disorder.
The piece is exceedingly well written, with some absolute gems of prose sprinkled throughout.
I believe the WCW poem is called "Waiting". Devastating.
I'm seeing some short shrift to the women in this story, but maybe that's going to remedied in the author's next piece.
7
I was intrigued that the author thinks quite deeply about his relationship to his own father and his father's relationship to the tropes of toxic masculinity -- yet when the discussion pivots to his cousin, his immediate family of origin gets little mention, if any at all. Someone who acted out to the degree we're told this young man did from a very young age -- well, the parents have to either be the root of some of it, or attempting to grapple with it. We're not told anything either way, which I find more than a little disturbing, just as the author himself obviously did and does. It's a picture of an almost-feral human being.
13
"My cousin is not schizophrenic." I'm curious as to the source of this negative diagnosis. Was that actually determined by a psychiatrist? "He wasn’t 'hearing voices.'" Many people with schizophrenia do not hear voices, and among those that do, it's often not so blatant as hearing a random voice out of the blue, but instead picking out auditory noise from things like recordings and becoming certain those are words — *exactly* as the cousin did. "The best explanation that anyone has given me is that he simply snapped." That's not an explanation at all. There was clearly psychotic paranoia there for some time. The author seems to want to attribute this all to toxic masculinity, and while that may be a major part both in the lines along which the cousin's paranoia focused and in how the cousin acted based on his paranoia, a person affected by toxic masculinity alone does not audio bug his house (the accidental recording claim is not credible - people who leave their iPads recording accidently when they're out just delete the recordings without listening) and obsessively listen to it. Lastly, it's curious that the author mentions testosterone as a suspect, but not the marijuana. Marijuana does not cause psychosis in the vast majority of people, but there is an inescapable correlation borne out by many studies. Most notably, schizophrenic people who used it as teens before their first diagnosed episode have had markedly earlier onsets, arguing against self-medication explanation.
47
@Jacob I tend to agree regarding the cousin. Once he mentioned the recording episode I think the discussion for me changed from toxic masculinity to mental illness. I hope for his sake and those around him that he gets psychiatric help.
18
I liked this article and found it interesting. What I won't do is judge the author, or judge his conclusions. It's not fiction, it's life. Sometimes the best thing you can say when hearing someone tell such a powerful and persona part of their life is "Thank you for sharing." and leave the cruel judgment calls to your own thoughts.
51
@Alise S
Is there no lesson to learn here? Do you not think the author is imploring the reader to think critically about his message? Our society is teeming with toxic masculinity, not to mention easy access to guns. Add violent video games to that dangerous mix and look what happens. I think it is perfectly fine to judge what happened with the author. To learn from it. To do better.
6
I cannot fathom the amount of courage needed to tell this incredibly personal story and proudly attach your name to it. This act of honesty is the true lesson for other men to hopefully understand.
78
@HD
Well, the author says in this article, he is a professional writer who is paid to tell long form expose type stories.
10
@Maggie
Agreed. I wonder to what extent an individual such as this decides that it's time to tell an intensely personal horror story as a means to stay relevant. Convert a haunting memory to a salable article as a therapeutic catharsis? Make a buck? Others found it so well-written, I had to skip much of it as over-wrought.
1
I come away from this feeling sorry for the women and children related to both of these toxic men.
296
@CKH-These people are victims of a toxic system: dysfunctional families and a culture that celebrates violence. They would do well to seek out help like the ACA 12-Step programs or ALANON, as the family dynamics look much like what happens with a family member is actively using.
2
Perhaps to the men as well?
2
The lack of empathy toward the author and the cousin in some of the comments is astounding. There seems to be a double standard on “blaming the victim” depending on the gender of the victim.
22
@Peter I agree - some of the comments are appallingly cavalier. The story told by the author, to me at least, seemed to be far too bizarre not to be true - in my experience, real life is much more unbelievable than fiction. He also exposed his soul in this writing, something most of us try to avoid and which, I think, took an incredible amount of courage to do -
2
@Peter Which inspires more sympathy: getting assaulted while wearing sexy clothes or taking steroids and putting people in the hospital?
7
@Peter
Because many of us know males like these two. We are exhausted and repelled by their ignorance, arrogance and cruelty. We detest wasting time avoiding men like this. We are frightened by their numbers that never change from generation to generation. We are sickened that the U.S. attracts and grows these males like fungus on the forest floor. We struggle over how they slide through life with zero conscience, unstopped by a society that rewards violence, intimidation, and degeneracy as its definition of "male". We warn our daughters because of this unending fraternity of smirking muscle head raging punch drunk patriarchy.
We hold out no hope victims will ever see justice. We read daily news that examines one or two victims from a list that fans out like rings of a tree. Wen see few deviants wind up in prison or in throes of self-reflection. We worry those males are our neighbor, boss, daughter's new boyfriend, the cop, judge or elected official. We're angered by their incessant mansplaining, whine and complaints - with special hatred of females. We expect flaccid identities jacked up by bluster, tin soldier military, religion, guns, fists - bigotry and misogyny. We see trophy sons rewarded, sailing through on the backs of those they've damaged, cheated, traumatized, beat into life altering submission and fear.
We knew noxious violent raging males like this as children. So, no double standard, just a persistent nausea with a perennially sick, violent male America.
6
I honestly see very little role for toxic masculinity or stereotypical masculinity as a foundation for these events. It seems to me like the excuse of a man who has the education to marshal social science for his own self deception.
The author is a generally irresponsible person and a poor communicator in relationships. He liked the excitement his crazy cousin brought and hated the boredom of rural family life, and he took the path of least resistance out- workaholism. He was clearly an enabler for his cousin for years until it came to bite him.
Fun story tho.
114
@Big Cow I couldn't agree more. He seems like a very confused person with unresolved issues, which he blames on "toxic masculinity"
19
This is too long and rambling for me to find the point. If the author had a point to make it should have appeared either at the beginning or end. I do understand that this author was best friends with a violent psychopath. Isn't that the moral of this story? If you befriend a violent psychopath you put yourself and your loved ones at risk.
97
Exactly.
6
"...I was drawn to his strength, his bravado, his violence. But then he forced me..."
This "feature" actually gives me reason to hope that the NYT isn't really out to assassinate (white) maleness; it just wants to sell subscriptions, and therefore can't be seen as refusing to go through the motions of the Great Corrective. Otherwise, they wouldn't be giving space to articles purporting to be about "poison" masculinity (?), when the real issue here is plain old bad judgement and lack of character.
24
@Allen Masculinity will survive this grievous assault, I'm pretty sure.
6
I found the keyword; masculinity!
4
I did enjoy this article, but I think that the writer still has much reflection to do:
He writes: "There was no sign of anything wrong until he tried to kill me."
Yes there were. Countless signs, not least of which was that your very decent and long-suffering wife refused to be around him. Not second-least was that you'd lost friends over his threat of violence.
What you should have written "There was no sign that today would be any different than any other day, until it was."
As far as this piece goes as literature, the author still retains too much naivete as he reflects for the piece to be as good as it could have been.
370
@Lydia
Good points. It's a classic case of "There was no warning, except for the hundreds of red flags!"
4
Wow. Lack of self-awareness here? Passing this off on male tropes is beyond self-indulgent. You didn't gravitate toward an archetype. You admired violence, and offered it adulation.
87
Just one, long, rambling confessional. Not sure why it should mean anything to a reader who has no relation to the author. This is not creative writing, or any other interesting genre. A feeble attempt perhaps to leverage the #metoo moment. And, oh, by the way, your cousin's issues no doubt are related to substance abuse.
36
What I am about to say will not be popular nor is it political correct, but Mr. Hylton's story gives more evidence to my belief that people in bad relationships stay in them because they are getting something from the relationship. Mr. Hylton got power by proxy from his cousin, he got protection, he got a companion. I've seen people who are in horrible relationships stay because they are getting back at their parents or basking in praise for their martyrdom or when they are not being a punching bag they are a princess. Yes, its possible that someone could fall into the hands of a psycho who is off the charts crazy, but that cannot, does not explain all the bad relationships out there. Interestingly, for so many people, one day they decide that the benefits are not enough to continue the abuse. Maybe there is therapy, maybe they just see there is another way, but they do leave. Mr. Hylton did.
36
The poor writer, left with a ruptured kidney and a failed marriage after colliding with the not-quite-meaningful narrative of his cousin’s life, lies in his own blood and contemplates what brought him there. What aspects of our cultural narratives and his own personality brought him to a place where he couldn’t see his divorce or his assault coming in time to hold them off?
Is the assault something he would have preferred to avoid? Sometimes when we tell our stories, the down parts are the literal point. The boy must be killed so the man can be born, so to speak. The dark turning points in my own story have made me who I am and I would never go back and undo them. Why undo my own life story? Why take my epic journey and unravel it back into a pointless walk though nothing to nowhere? No, of course I value those dark moments and lessons, as we must.
And yet, the writer reveals that what wasn't right then still isn’t right now. I think that’s why this works as timely cultural commentary, not just as a story about some guy.
The questions are still unanswered. He’s still trying to assemble the pieces and make sense of them. The boy has been killed but the man has yet to be born. He is inviting us into his chrysalis, the place of ultimate mystery in which the Thing happens, followed by the Other Thing. Maybe we can't fully see what's going on, but I thank him for the invitation, and I applaud him for this beautifully written, beautifully unfinished story.
18
@J. E. Sweeney This is a very nicely written comment and I think it would be wonderful if he were a critiquing a novel. I have never admired people who blame everything on something from their childhood. Who had a perfect life? Who had perfect parents? When we enter adulthood it is time to accept our past and make our future. People who dwell on the past can never move on. They can never make decisions based on the present.
8
A beautiful piece of writing that hits one nail on the head and totally misses another. First, his observations and toxic masculinity and his simultaneous attraction/repulsion to it are very astute. However, the idea that his cousin just "snapped" in the tool shed is silly. In his childhood memories, the author depicted a violent, impulsive, and deeply disturbed boy who grew into a frightening and disturbed man. It also sounds like his cousin was enabled my family members who seem to cover for his behavior - including the author who witnessed him beat a girl in parking lot when they were kids.
90
@NYC60
Yep. Read "The Gift of Fear". No one just snaps.
13
@Laura I second your recommendation on the book. I found a copy after the Bezos blackmail story broke a couple of months back. A key point is that these events/episodes don't just happen; there are patterns, signs. Be aware, be watchful, look out!
3
What this man's cousin did to him is an extension of what so many fathers do to their sons and daughters and wives. They beat them, belittle them, physically intimidate them, and leave them feeling like they deserve it. My father was a violent man and an angry one. My mother didn't hesitate to use violence either. Combine that with two small children, one of whom wasn't wanted and the other autistic and you have the perfect reasons to explode.
If there is violence in the home children expect it everywhere else. I didn't learn that I wasn't going to be beaten for every misstep I made until I was an adult. I believed that I could be beaten at school, at camp, and in the workplace. I was terrified of growing up because I thought I'd be killed by someone. My father had threatened to kill me and told me, in graphic terms, how he could get away with it. I even beat up my brother because I thought that's what you do. It wasn't until I was 8 and saw the ragged fear in my brother's eyes that I stopped. I consider myself lucky that he loves me at all. I did apologize for what I did and never hit him again.
Violence, especially domestic violence, is more common than we care to think it is. We are not a kind or gentle nation. We are producing adults who are not kind or gentle. We have workplaces that are brutal. Freedom to be violent isn't freedom.
5/9/2019 1:20pm
107
Thank you so much for your comment, @hen3ry. It is spot on and hits the worst points of growing up the prey of a violent predator parent. My father was a raging, mean, mercurial bully itching for a fight with someone weaker. A lifetime is not long enough to recover from a childhood with such a person creating pain and havoc night and day, plus a mother with Stockholm Syndrome.
4
@One Moment you're correct. A lifetime is not long enough to get over some things. You adjust, you learn to act human. But something dies after awhile. It's not possible to live with constant fear as a child and be unscarred. Fortunately for most of us the living nightmares recede and we can "go on". For myself, I have never had an intimate relationship and never wanted to. I had to decide that I could live without being loved or wanting it. I don't know how others survive, only what I did.
2
Reading this I think of how many women I’ve seen as a nurse who showed up to the ER or hospital beaten because, “ he snapped “.
Toxic masculinity is taught and tolerated. I think it speaks volumes that his cousins father left when he found out what happened. It’s disturbing how many parents protect their children’s bad behavior and make excuses until they can’t because a line was crossed. He loved and hid behind his cousins violent tendencies as a child. It’s not as if his family did not know there was a problem.
50
Thank you for your honesty and your struggle, it is men who must recognize and transform their violence and the ongoing abuses of patriarchy. It is the main root of all our misery both personally and in the broader community. It takes courage to be this honest and even more to face and struggle with your own demons and to teach your children a better way.
8
This piece made me ponder on the idea that the masculine force and the destructive force are inextricably bound. The military (a destructive, authoritarian force) is one none dare criticize. The military is good, the soldiers sacrifice so others can sleep at night. Yet, as an institution it is totally anti-democracy and uses destruction instead of reason and constructive efforts to revolve differences. It is where men go to be men and women go to be more virile. The account here should cause us to wonder why we don't equate masculine destructiveness with other forms of violent crime. Soldiers and aggressive males are not sexy. They suffer from having internalized a poisonous idea that we, us, society, feed to them. We are accountable for having created the politicians and the kind of males we have. We need to man up about it.
20
An already unhinged guy prone to violence taking testosterone? A disaster waiting to happen. That said, I appreciate the attempt to reflect how and why toxic masculinity happens. We need this kind of reflection badly, as toxic maculinity hurts both men and women.
15
The only lesson to be taken from this article is that we are seriously underfunding mental health services in this country. I think the author’s attempt to connect this horrifically perverse behavior with masculinity is outrageous and should not be indulged.
21
@Florence 100% agreed. Not to mention his attribution of his failed marriage to "antiquated societal norms" for men rather than him being an absentee husband and father.
14
Wowzers -- this is one dysfunctional extended family.
20
Thank you for writing this. It must have been excruciatingly tough, but necessary. I was raised military white trash (not white, though) and evolving through all those filters is crazy painful.
I read it all but I didn’t want to. You are doing insanely important work: lighting the way through for the rest of us. I sure am rooting for you. If you fall down, that’s me, rooting for you all the way, all the time.
15
Such a powerful piece. Toxic masculinity makes many victims, including men themselves. Thank you for showing one way men can embrace their vulnerability and become fuller versions of themselves.
5
A REAL man organizes his thoughts and uses a newspaper editor to structure his article.
24
@Gareth
What a weird comment. Though I agree the structure was unorthodox, his writing style has nothing to do with 'masculinity'. I wonder if he has any residual traumatic brain injury which could explain organizational difficulties.
4
@Left Coast||||Quite true. I prefer the weird to the conventional and familiar. Nonetheless, I have no competence that would allow me to describe/analyze physical or psychological functioning of any kind.
@Gareth||!!//AT LAST!!! Someone who can get past the cargo: the story, and address the structure of the ship carrying the cargo to port: The ship is so erratically constructed that it sinks before reaching port: the readers.
2
I worry about the cousin's wife. I find it hard to believe that this is his first or only violent outburst.
This is not about masculinity. This is about mental illness. The guy is dangerous and out of control.
38
@JB
It's easier to ascribe 'mental illness' because then it's a them vs. us issue. The cousin's and father's abhorrent behaviors seem rooted in toxic masculinity, exacerbated by testosterone.
4
Do people enjoy this type of writing? It feels like both sinking in quicksand, and being spun to fast on a merry-go-round. I did not even read it through becasue though I wanted to hear the story- I kept getting slammed with tediously detailed back story- all out of order. I could not commit to what felt like a very long winded tail...that probably was NOT going to make sense.
16
@carmen - I totally agree wiring your comment. The writing did not impress me.
1
It is interesting that many say that this isn't a story about toxic masculinity but about mental illness. People can be violent without being "crazy." As a child, I watched my friend grow up with an extremely angry and violent mother and now she has anger issues of her own. The author is correct in his observations though. It is not an unexpected thing for a man to be violent. I have seen scores of violent men in my own life who believe they have the lordly right to express their precious frustration in violent outbursts.
338
@Sam Cheever, I resonate with this being raised a child of a man whose immediate response to things was anger or irrational rage. Zero impulse control. I have worked all my life to end that cycle of impulsivity and replace it with centring myself til I can decide what response I want to make to things. Bullies, power grabbers, and all forms of manipulations meant to control and instil fear, no longer impact me and I feel free at last.
56
@Nettie Glickman: And guess what? It's not just men. My mother was just as capable of launching into irrational rage.
10
@Sam Cheever
Is not a pattern of violence a sign of a mental disorder? Perhaps the cousin isn't "crazy," but certainly had a mental disorder. As with many of the commentators, I see his mental illness the real issue, not his hyper masculinity.
6
Hylton has extraordinary gifts as a writer with great insights.
His description applies to an ideal of the AMERICAN male, but that model is not accepted by all men (or women) in the US and especially outside the US.
5
Well, no writer wants to write a boring story.
The process of accepting that someone has an anti-social personality (or any other disturbance) and the path to healing that leaves all the drama in the past, drains the trauma of at least some power and opens a door to create a new existence. I hope that is the next unseen story happening after this one.
I was riveted but would have been more so if my concerns were not for the survival of the physical planet so we can all get much needed Trauma Recovery Therapy and live our lives properly; because there are some mental illnesses that Cannot be understood, only Managed. Even for such a talented reflective writer dealing with cousin and his own fears he is a bit similar.
We have damaged the planet beyond repair in my opinion. And apparently religion has not prevented mental illness. As aggressive humans we survived but apparently "winning" survival, as we have, is going to kill us all. The lesson? We need to manage our aggression and arrogance.
I'm beginning to think the only answer is mindfulness training in schools.
6
I just finished watching the HBO series Deadwood and reflected on how violent the 1880s was and then thought the storyline's deeper themes could be carried forward. This story proves that it is possible to live in the 1880s in 2019, but without the astute attention to danger and keen sense of self-preservation that the rigors and toil of early American forced upon its citizenry.
6
The article is powerful, but the key question remains unanswered: how do we change? It’s harder than it seems: a man who moves away from canonical male ‘virtues’ (Hylton lists traits like fraternity, dominance, adamance and certitude) will find himself alone, friendless, dateless, with neither wife nor children.
Men admire these traits, and women are drawn to them, especially during peak fertility and as long as the traits feel protective, not threatening.
We change first by understanding we all own this problem, and that none of it (until we make specific choices and take action) is our fault. These male and female traits were forged in the endless fires of evolution, long before we even became conscious, when they were key to our survival. Times have changed, and the same traits are now disagreeable - even repulsive - and destructive.
We can trust again to evolution, that a dominant female and submissive male in a couple are more likely to succeed now in our civilization than ever before, but we should support them, make them tropes, describe them in iconography. The worst we thing we could do is demonize the men who exhibit them, since being a ‘loner’ is one of the canonical traits. Instead, we should include those men in our society, and have their more destructive impulses gently but firmly chided, ideally by women, with other men playing essential supporting roles. This sounds easy, thought it's not, but it works.
3
Boy, that's one long and miserable story. What an unhappy collection of people. And I have to confess, none of it makes a lick of sense to me, except as fiction. Which is, I suppose, a good thing, meaning I've never witnessed such a level of human misery.
119
@PW
Agree, some aspects of this story make very little sense either. It talks constantly about monetary struggles but i appears the author has been a successfull journalist for a long period of time. (I know journalists aren't exactly paid much, but still..?)
I also found the writer to be at best annoying and a bit petulant. I think this piece is a memoir style at best, if not a lot of fiction as well.
Would love to hear this from his ex-wifes perspective.
22
@PW Read this for the title incident and came away more flabbergasted by the cascade of inadvisable life choices is describes.
24
@PW I am with you...what a mess. Author needs as much counseling as his cousin. Holdovers of bad behavior allowed to go unchecked from childhood to adulthood. Both lacked responsibility for their actions. Tolerant parents, teachers and spouses...letting much go unchecked. I need a bath after reading this mess...I think the guy was jealous of his cousin and what he got away with and had his own pent up rage....I can think of all kinds of labels to affix here...yep I think they were one messed up bunch. Hope the children got out of their clutches and have had some responsible caregivers along the line to show them a different thought process or two.
28
People don't snap. The writer's cousin simply did to him what the cousin had done to many people in the past, including with the writer's apparent encouragement. That is the dangerous masculinity here - the acceptance of violence followed by surprise when that violence turns on you.
354
Generally speaking, it is a really, really a bad idea to hang around with violent, crazy people who use drugs. There is no way that it will end well. You were luck to get away with your life.
135
It’s comforting to learn from the comments that I am not the only reader who does not recognize this world nor find it remotely comprehensible.
118
@Cat My sentiments also. The litany of male stereotypes as templates for how men should behave and the adoration of qualities that are repulsive and violent appear to fetishize the author's own misgivings about what attracts us and repels us from each other. The disfunction in this piece (which was not well written) is pervasive and precludes any sort of cohesive impression or even a lingering sentiment. It is a rambling wildly decontextualized trope that, in spite of the mind-numbing minutiae falling from his problematic relationships, the reader can't help not caring about. We're left with something about a confused man's strange attraction to masculine brutality which ultimately almost puts an end to his life ... There is nothing profound or eye opening about that except that it makes him (and his story) as repulsive as the violence that seems to both excite and attract him.
19
@Cat Yea these days bad behavior gets blamed on just about every cause...I am male, I came from a poor fatherless homelife...and so on.
3
@Cat another one in a sheltered life. Have you looked around? Have you actually read a newspaper? Quite often we don't need do anything to receive violence. It's all around us.
12
You had me at the edge of my seat. I'm glad that you have found solace and happiness in your kids. My brother is the same way as your cousin and I'm always on tenderhooks whenever I am around him. My kids come first. I'm glad that he didn't kill you! How shocking is your story?! Stay strong in the person that you are. Don't question yourself. You are fine as you are.
11
@Charmaine encore!
Not a psychologist but I say in all sincerity that the perp in this instance needs both serious counseling and jail time. And sadly the author seems like the victim who is just too nice and close to the situation to realize that this man is a raging psychopath.
50
@Douglas ritter I must have missed the nice part.
15
@Douglas ritter
I think the writer is struggling with his long time attraction to that psychopath, which led him into the situation where he was ambushed.
1
windy... This guy needs the blue pencil treatment.
53
Honestly I think people are overthinking this. I do not believe this speaks to anything other than lack of treatment for a mental illness. For both of them.
82
@lbethjones Couldn't agree more. This has less to do with masculinity than it does with clear mental illness in both parties.
12
It only takes ONE psychotic and violent person to destroy your entire life. Be careful and tread lightly. And move on quickly if somebody is demonstrating hyper violent tendencies.
27
The Times needs to start giving trigger warnings regarding these ridiculously long, self-indulgent articles in the new trend called Long Form Nonfiction Journalism. I've gotten trapped in more than one, and can only skim to the end so I can find out the denouement, which usually isn't worth wading through all the tedious detail. Please, just add at the top (LFNJ).
134
@Sara @Sara Amen! I just abandoned ship. It felt like the writer was trying to trap me in a spider web of a story.
13
@Sara if I may make a modest recommendation - one that has certainly assisted me in separating the pithy core from the vast loose verbage and surplus of these digital sinkholes - and that is the "crtl f" function. In this case I used the word "hand" once I teased out the "main story line".
3
@Sara That's just your opinion. To me,it was an interesting story. Sad at times. But the self-awareness of the author is important - I was I had that when I was younger. I would have been a better person.
6
A strange, strange tale beautifully told and deeply disturbing. These men’s lives were imprinted by toxic archetypes of masculinity. Not the patriarchs, cowboys, knights or gentle giants to which the author refers; but rather the ogres, Bluebeards, and beasts that are the shadow side of “masculinity.”
The author and his cousin were seduced by these shadow archetypes. They seemed to live them out in the most extreme forms imaginable and revel in their camaraderie of terror, criminality, and rage. Their neglect and abuse of the women in their lives is proof of the damage caused by living out these role models. One can only speculate on the deep roots of anger and violence in these men: PTSD from their childhoods, PTSD from time spent in the military, fury from repressed homosexuality, rage against mothers who did not protect them.
Mental illness seems entwined with deeply dangerous cultural patterns of violence that we daily see acted out in propaganda of the NRA, of our troubled President, and the school shooters (always male).
To add steroidal testosterone to this mix is truly to pour gasoline onto the fire.
I commend the author’s bravery in unearthing these dark images of masculinity n our culture. Bringing them to the light of day may be a first step in healing. God help us all if these dark demons are not faced and transformed.
21
Humans have a criminal bent, some more than others. Masculinity enables it, but I doubt it causes it (e.g. Are powerful Olympians raging all the time?)
Some of the things mentioned indicate lack of masculinity, e.g. testosterone supplements, aping violent behavior etc.
But captivating read; I had to miss my lunch exercise to read this. Should help keep my testosterone levels low..
6
The fact that the cousin remains at large is frightening. As is the fact that he is but one of thousands of such disturbed individuals roaming our cities and towns. I'm related to guys like him. Hyper "masculine" and full of rage about perceived or actual slights. My cousins were angered by eight years of the Obama administration, which for them was an assault on their white privilege, their belief that only men like themselves are fit to run the country. These days I observe their "tempered" rage in the verbal assaults they hurl toward anyone with a liberal mindset. I avoid them at all costs.
50
@Peter
Reminds me of the expression
“When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression."
I cannot feel sorry for “angry white men” who feel “cheated” and thus spew their toxic masculinity on everyone around them.
It’s not very Buddhist of me to have so little compassion for them, but in the not too distant future, they will be in the minority — and I am looking forward to that day.
And my wish is that on that day, we can all start to work together as humans to save our failing planet. With all that will happen due to climate change, if we are to survive — we have no other option than to put down arms and embrace “others” as our family.
8
I have no comments on the events, but I applaud the author's writing. It was compelling reading.
9
Forget about masculinity and femininity. Just teach your kids the Socratic virtues: Wisdom, Justice, Courage and Temperance (i.e., self-control). If you live these virtues, they will, too.
12
@Dalgliesh and never turn your back on a guy who boasts about loosing fights!
5
It seems to me that cousin had PTSD on top of his toxic masculinity. That rage, the delusions, the confusion, the drug use. All of those sound like symptoms of PTSD to me. How did that man not get a diagnosis of mental illness? Someone failed him.
14
This article was bloated and self-indulgent. I kept reading because I did want to discover the consequences of the physical attack, but the story could have been told in less than half the number of words.
156
@Suburban Resident
I did like this story, but I agree that this is often a problem with the magazine section in these days of digital writing.
8
@Suburban Resident It's really two stories: (1) How Not to Start a Family and (2) My Cousin Tried to Kill Me
31
@Suburban Resident
Actually I thought the length was a plus point. Like the author, the reader had to wade through a confusing life and a confusing relationship to try to make sense of (let us call him what he is) a madman.
“What does ‘I’m all out’ mean?”
I wonder if we'll ever find out.
8
@Mike Edwards It means the end of the line.
Lots of truth in this well crafted but ultimately self pitying drivel. I agree with those who state
that the ONLY heroic person in this epic extended family psychodrama is his ex-wife.
68
@Mark Fishaut MD She made a lot of silly choices too.
4
Reading this, I wonder what part latent homophobia may have played in this drama.
It's been said that up to 80% of the population may be to some extent bisexual, while the percentage who self-report as heterosexual is well over 90%. Huge swaths of the population must be in some form of denial.
In young men, does that denial take the form of hyper-masculine behavior? Is homophobia the driver of toxic masculinity?
20
@GeeBee. This was my read, too. Each of these men were in this strangely codependent friendship because it facilitated both the allure and repression of each other’s sexuality.
6
In this lengthy personal history we have a man, the author, who has made incredibly bad decisions throughout his life. Then, because this man is a writer, he writes a feature on how those dumb choices, which led to devastating consequences, are based on "masculinity". Come on. Getting kicked out of college, flitting around the country, moving off to middle of nowhere with a new child and no job, and choosing violent people to spend time with. This hasn't to do with testosterone, it has do with underdeveloped if-than thinking. (There is not to dismiss the serious issues with the writer's cousin. I hope he has found help, and peace. And that the writer raises his children to make better choices than he has.)
144
A lot of comments on here focused on "toxic masculinity", instead of mental illness. Which is the real issue. This has very little to do with his cousin being a man. Or with testosterone. It has everything to do with violence toward a smaller and more helpless creature. And guess what, women do it plenty. I can recount countless stories of women murdering their infants. And I don't mean abortion. Everyone is capable of hurting something smaller and weaker than they are, everyone is capable of mental illness.
14
@kenenth
I agree. You could institute every imaginable possible check to combat "toxic masculinity" and I can assure you, there would still be issues with a sliver of individuals who simply found it difficult to cope with internal mental issues.
1
I am shattered and astonished by this story. Thank you, Wil Hylton; I am not as alone as I thought.
12
This is a very well written piece. I couldn't stop reading even though it was very disturbing. I wonder what that says about me!
4
Thank you for this. I feel shredded but grateful. And I'm guessing you knew that it would be met with a lot of armchair psychoanalysis and denial. Best wishes to you and your family.
9
Those commenters who suggest the cousin’s behavior would have made him a good soldier are deeply mistaken. That’s not how the military operates and his “bad paper” discharge proves it.
As on officer, I had guys like that in my unit. Could spot them right away. They were trouble waiting to happen, just waiting for the right mix of stress, alcohol, domestic trouble, or boredom to set them off. They quicker I could get them discharged the better-off the unit became. What you never did (like some) was ship them off to another unit, making it someone else’s problem.
A lot of people join the military for the wrong reasons.
94
@Mjxs-Thank you for acknowledging this. The military is often given the job to raise children who haven't had the benefit of good parenting and somehow turn them into mature, functioning adults.
Army lifts ban on waivers for recruits with history of some mental health issues
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/11/12/army-lifts-ban-recruits-history-self-mutilation-other-mental-health-issues/853131001
1
The author has written a very haunting biopic that I am sure was meant to be a therapeutic exercise. Even though I found the writing rambling and sometimes hard to follow, I think the author's intent was to write down his innermost pain in order to work it through. There were elements in this piece that also echo some interactions I've had in my own life with men who clearly had very troubled souls. It took me years, for instance, to finally come to terms with my father's anger issues - but only after he passed on. My father's rage would usually manifest itself in just a lot of yelling and screaming (over, I might add, insanely insignificant things like a book out of order on the bookshelf) but there was one occasion when he really did 'lose it' and came very close to choking my sister to death. My mother, thankfully, sprang into action and pulled my father away. Afterwards, I just remember the very dazed and confused look on my father's face - as though he had been in a kind of trance. This article has made me think of not just my own personal experiences, but also about the stigma and mystery that still shrouds mental health issues in general and how those barriers only exacerbates the problem.
24
Very good piece on how patriarchy shapes our psyches and relationships. Many comments here reflect our reluctance to look at this basic toxic paradigm that molds our culture. When we question patriarchy we question everything about our world: the valorization of violence, hierarchy, power, domination and misogyny. My thanks to the author for his honest and courageous self-examination.
11
Interesting story. I have to say that his desire to remain friends with his cousin seems telling. As if his cousins friendship was proof that he himself was also very masculine. It was an affirmation that he counted on his whole life and he found it difficult to give up.
His relationship with his wife was horrible to read about. His outlook from the start seemed selfish and became even more so. He didn't discuss his fidelity during his many long "assignments" but given where he was mentally I can't believe it was steady. How sad for her.
I'm glad that he appears to have gained some insight. I hope his kids are okay.
25
It's easy these days to blame bad behavior on men, even easier when it's described in terms such as "the pantheon of males tropes . . . the commandments of male identity." Yes, the cousin behaves badly and destructively, and so does the writer to some extent, but what stands out more than anything else is the writer's bad choices.
17
@Mrs. Proudie I know right. He glossed over his horrible treatment of his wife .
2
What They Don't Teach You in Martial Arts or Self-Defense Classes:
That you're more likely to have to defend yourself against someone you know and love -- a family member, significant other, friend or co-worker -- than against the stereotypical street mugger or bar drunk.
Certainly, the anti-domestic violence and #MeToo movements have provided endless examples of this. And the shock of being suddenly assaulted by a friend or loved one is so astonishing and emotionally wrenching that it often slows or even completely inhibits a quick, effective defense.
Wil S. Hylton's article provides yet another terrible example of a loved one's unsuspected dark side suddenly erupting in horrible rage and violence.
Self defense instructors need to better prepare students for this awful possibility, giving them physical strategies they will be comfortable employing (i.e., emphasizing escape rather than direct counterattack) and reinforcing that no one -- not even a loved one -- has the right to hurt you.
16
@Richard very good observations and I found myself wondering why the author, even in gravitating towards the violent side of his cousin, did not at any time visualize the need for combat with him given the cousin's widely known pattern of attacking individual males for the sole purpose of inflicting harm. I think the moral of the story in part is to keep your wits about you and take a realistic assessment of outcomes before they happen. The psychology to this is what I see at issue, which speaks to the need for an escape plan. etc.
1
@Richard Sad but true -
Amazing article. I would hope that as we train boys and men to reject the easy acceptability of violence and domination as part of 'manhood' we let them know that they are not inherently bad.
In promulgating those tropes through every aspect of our culture, we have failed boys. In allowing these tropes to define our behavior we have failed girls.
2
This is a riveting story and there is so much food for thought. I feel like there is one glaring omission, though. How did your cousin become the violent person he is? I don't know anyone who turned out that way who did not sustain beatings as a young child. Is this true of your cousin? Children learn what they live with. Personally, I think it's time to start thinking about everything we now know about head trauma and CTE in terms of child abuse. How many parents hit their children in the head, thinking that is the way to demand they be good and follow the rules? And how many, by doing so, ensure that their children will never be capable of being good or following the rules? Think about how some of the symptoms play out in abusive families: aggression, impulsive behavior, irritability, emotional lability, substance abuse, depression... Your cousin's penchant for fighting would have subjected him to even more head trauma, and his disintegration in middle age could also point to CTE. Something to think about.
13
This is incredibly powerful writing and far too rare. We don't talk very much about what it means to be a man in our society and the pressures men face. Women's internal lives are dissected in detail in a thousand magazines and daytime TV shows; men's lives seem simply to be presented when something has happened and the guy has to be humiliated or punished for "acting out" - virtually nothing is discussed as far as motivations, for said problem behavior. And if it is it's all discounted and dismissed in a thousand ways anyhow. More articles like this might open this up a bit. I haven't read anything like this in a while and, sadly, I don't expect we'll get much more like it. We expect men to just shut up and keep their stories to themselves. When was the last Lifetime special you saw about a guy's issues like this?
5
The author offers, in abject vulnerability, a deeply textured story of growing up male in working and middle class America. He literally bled for his story. For all the confessed and implied character flaws in himself, his paranoid sociopath cousin, and others, his search for caring and competence stands out. When commenters dismiss his story on the basis of character weaknesses, they miss the point.
4
Harrowing. I too was brutalized as a kid. Growing up in the South, it was "boys will be boys," which apparently included non-stop bullying and brutality. I have a crystal clear memory of being pinned to the ground in sixth grade, an older and much bigger boy landing repeated blows to my face, and our middle-school coach standing behind him, laughing and saying to the other kids gathered around, "What is this, a girl fight? Hit him back!"
People like condemn and dismiss liberal enclaves like San Francisco as being too sensitive, too quick to pass judgment on people saying and doing rude or mean things. But I am beyond thrilled to report that at my children's schools here in the city, there is a zero tolerance for bullying. Zero. Even harsh words can result in a sit down with both sets of parents and the principal. Children who are confused about their gender, for example, are allowed to define what pronouns they would prefer; children who choose to dress in the culture of their parents (and we have a great many immigrants) are given free reign to do so.
I thank god I live in a liberal city where compassion and manners are expected and required. I thank god my kids never have to experience the brutality I suffered as kid growing up in the South. I thank god for people like Barack Obama who insisted upon civility and compassion.
And I fear the dark road of brutality, rudeness and self-interest that is the platform of the GOP today.
61
The story is written like a work of fiction. There is excessive detail to minutia where none is required. I would have commented sooner but I was waiting to see if other people thought it was true. It is the story of two disturbed men, one who is obviously disturbed, and one who doesn't have the guts to notice he shouldn't be hanging around with such a deranged person. When I finished reading this bizarre tale, I went back to check if it began with the words, "It was a dark and stormy night."
19
I wonder if, in describing how he felt safe and protected in the presence of his cousin's confidence and physical strength and aggression, the author has described how some women fall for violent men? He never expected the violence to be turned on himself.
13
My god, how horrific. Compelling writing, but horrifying.
I know Wil. He used to live with a friend of mine here in Baltimore. And I remember his sewing skills!
I'm glad he landed on his feet but so sad to read this story.
14
While I appreciate the reflections on masculinity this essay strikes me as exploitative of someone's mental health issues for the sake of a good "page turner." Is that why the author withholds the "juicy" violent details until well into the story? It concerns me that the author's desire for publicity appears to have eclipsed his concern for his family's privacy.
3
Thanks for this - I found its description of what from the outside appears to be an almost inexplicable lack of self-knowledge to be illuminating. It's easy to pass judgment, but most of us probably have patterns of unexamined behavior that could prove disastrous under the right circumstances. Wil's pattern of risk-taking is beautifully described here.
9
Superbly written. Thank you Wil for your honesty. We can't begin to understand anything unless we are honest.
27
@Patrick Agreed in all ways. Particularly that without honesty, which breeds self-awareness, we have NO ability for self-reflection and change.
Thank you Patrick.
2
A gripping story, and I appreciate the author's willingness to write about his own vulnerabilities and mistakes. But a part of this article I can't get over is the gun in the car episode. The author's continued relationship with someone who has proved how dangerous he can be (even in utterly mundane circumstances) is an example of precisely what so many commenters have objected to: "toxic masculinity".
No one is arguing that masculinity itself is toxic, but rather that behaviors associated with masculinity can become toxic. We admire the guy who can handle himself in a fight, we lionize the stoic hero, and movies perpetuate the idea that a little jealousy is just proof of love. Yet taken to extremes those behaviors- hyper and unpredictable violence- stoicism that shuts out others - acute jealousy that injures and kills romantic partners- are dangerous and yes, toxic.
That the author still got so much out of a relationship with his cousin, while simultaneously being aware of his very dangerous side, is an example of how toxic masculinity is harmful to individuals, families, and society in general.
27
It is possible to be a provider, patriarch, and protector and still be a good husband who engages with his own family and seeks their companionship and happiness through his own careful efforts. It is possible, for example, to go to work and endure the pressure of providing for a family, then to come home and be a father and a husband, to hug and encourage your children and to involve yourself in the function of your own home, chores and all other duties included. It doesn't really matter if you're a man who doesn't like sports or who enjoys hunting. There's all kinds of men and women. What does matter is whether or not you decide to take responsibility for your decisions and put forth the effort to be a true partner with your wife (in this case) and not be a slave to "traditional" masculine tropes that have never really been a "standard" but merely excuses for people who do not want to put forth any more effort into improving themselves, but would rather just say "welp, I'm just a man so this is what you can expect from me and nothing more." That is not what a man, or any person, should ever do. What your cousin did was wrong because we shouldn't hurt people. Being a man has nothing to do with it. There are plenty of men who serve in the military, love guns and sports, and lift weights who do not inexplicably hurt people or chase their kids down to scream in their faces after dinner. "Redefining" a gender stereotype won't solve anything. Make the effort to be kind and good.
41
@3stripewb My husband was a powerful man who worked with his hands who enjoyed many of these activities. He was also a kind and gentle man. He spent hours helping care for our colicky infants, playing with our children as they grew up, and, later, our grandchildren.
10
@LH I'm glad to hear it and I think we need more stories like that. People sometimes are so caught up in the things that others feel they need to do and be simply because of their gender. The reality is that people are so much more than just the one or two categories that the media spotlights. The complexity of a person is precisely what makes our ability to turn things around and overcome hardships so inspiring. We should celebrate people like you and your husband and highlight the reality that not only is it possible to be that way, but that it may be more common than we're led to believe.
4
@3stripewb Couldn't have said it any better. It's also curious to note that those same "traditional masculine " roles didn't stop him from exploring a homosexual lifestyle for as long as he pleased.
2
Dangerous, unpredictable friends are a source of wonder and curiosity, a distraction from the more bland aspects of our lives. Longevity can also be a factor as I’ve witnessed in some of my adult children’s lives and my own ended friendship with a friend’s bipolar disorder diagnosis, late in life. They are like a book you stop reading, wondering how it ends. But longevity doesn’t warrant loyalty, for either person.
15
One of the more complex articles I have read. And it illustrates the strength and weakness of the human condition, in exceptional language.
78
Wow great piece.
Your cousin’s testosterone supplements made him paranoid. He was already an obnoxious jerk habituated, intentionally over years, to nurse his violent tendencies, probably due to early childhood trauma. He did just snap.
Yes, one shouldn’t worship masculinity or anything else. I think that setting up such a tension between our natural, more fluid selves and a particular image is unnecessary, difficult to maintain, and results in unintended consequences.
18
@BL Thank you for your post. I particularly like this sentence: "I think that setting up such a tension between our natural, more fluid selves and a particular image is unnecessary, difficult to maintain, and results in unintended consequences."
What you have described is what Carl Rogers called incongruence. An inability to follow our own natural tendencies and to gravitate to prescribed roles.
Then Abraham Maslow, and Carl Rogers pointed to why anyone would do that: A need to be liked, accepted, too belong. I still thing it is true and was more so at one time. We depend on each other for survival. Being kicked out of the tribe still and more so in the past a death sentence.
I too consider the testosterone as a factor that propelled this behavior. I wonder just how much auditory hallucinations which are reflection of his trauma pushed him over the edge.
Mr. Hylton, Thank you for your courage to pen and share this. You very well may help another shed a role that is not who they are who they are; birthing a freedom that athenticy y can generate.
4
@BL Couldn't it also have been PTSD from his army days?
@Sarah
Seems like it predated his service.
4
Mr. Hylton, yes, at some points in my life I admired the strongest, fastest and sports skilled and dominant people that I met, but that was not sex based, as I also appreciated females for their achievement. It is why many appreciate world class/Olympic athletes. Later, my appreciation for intellect, morals, and humanity became important. But your aberrant views of masculinity and your cousins behavior are not society's fault, nor mine as a male. Cruelty and viciousness are not the staple of males, though too many people such as yourself have been victimized the exception. "idea of masculinity poisoned his life — and mine...dominance, adamance, certitude — these are the commandments of male identity. Maybe in societies deep through history, those qualities ...".
Victims of whatever the crime too often begin to generalize about the crime or criminal as if to rationalize aberrant behavior by classifying it as common to a group. I do feel sorry for you and other victims of violence by any gender or race or religion..., but it is usually exception not the standard.
29
“Cruelty and viciousness are not the staple of males”
The vast, vast majority of rapes, muggings, assaults, and domestic violence is committed by males. There’s no need to even bother citing statistics because this is something that is as obvious as the moon being round.
7
@W.H.
I've met some cruel and vicious females in my life. Mix this with self-righteousness and you get toxic combination.
6
I don't think this man's story has much to do with masculinity. I think he is conflating that issue with the issue of a disturbed and unbalanced other man. He was the victim of an irrational attack by an irrational man. That's all.
371
@James Roblin - Maybe the connection to toxic masculinity is in the fact that his life-long violent behavior wasn't truly addressed because in some way it was accepted and excusable as a part of being a man. I think the author is also making the point that the comfort he found in his cousin, despite the discomfort he also felt, is a product of his admiration of masculinity, however toxic..
100
@James Roblin
There is a lot more here than just an attack. The story also explores the author’s decisions in life, his relationship with his father, and how his father’s views and behavior influenced the author. His failed marriage and how he related to his wife and infant son.
Great writing and good explorations of human psyche.
69
@James Roblin
I agree. My sense as I read was that the author, who endured a horrifying experience, appropriated a hot sociological topic--what it means to be masculine--in order to give his story a more contemporary spin. He needn't have done so.
21
Oh, so sad and so well written. I wish the author could have stuck it out in his marriage, though.
So many couples are pushed into survival mode by the birth of their children (especially the “difficult” ones). I know my husband and I were. But I made a conscious choice to just endure it (partly for religious reasons) and to have faith that it would get better.
The bad times — the time when the relationship felt like “an arrangement” — lasted about five years. That’s a long time, but it was worth waiting it out because the better times are spectacular, and I’m so glad I have this with the father of my children and the man I shared my youth with.
~
Couples get into these grinding gender roles not because of social conditioning but because it allows babies (especially difficult, colicky ones) to get the care they need from mom, and for the family to survive financially. That financial survival is often only possible if dad becomes a specialist — highly skilled in something — and works flat out, all the hours that god sends.
~
Lastly, I was attacked physically for no reason by a relative — but a female one. Some people say she’s mentally ill, but she goes to work everyday, so . . . how mentally ill is she really?
I’m glad stories about this kind of weirdness — people snapping and assaulting someone for no reason — are being written. But I wouldn’t be so quick to try to blame any of it on toxic masculinity.
26
@Cathy, people with mental illness can function in the world of work but sometimes it can get them fired too if their bad behavior is allowed to surface.
6
Your story will stay with me. I appreciate your honesty and your ability to see inside and grow from it. I will remember you. I hope to hear what your next 20 years are like.
191
Masculinity, imho, is not the same as machismo, or "toxic masculinity." Below comments describe disturbed men, "chasing masculinity." I agree. Among other traits, masculinity should include being "fierce" enough to stand up for self and others. The young men killed attempting to disarm school shooters is one example. The young men and women who traveled to Washington to speak out in support of gun control is another. What we used to call, "good sportsmanship," applied today, can be seen in the uncommon willingness to reach across the political spectrum and understand other viewpoints while at the same time NOT surrendering your own principles. A healthy masculinity includes a willingness to engage in a well-chosen vulnerability without being self-absorbed. It is illustrated in those who speak out when it means going against the current fashion. Doing the right thing without taking a public bow for doing so is another. Alas, a healthy masculinity as described here seems a disappearing characteristic from out increasingly partisan culture.
4
Quite aside from the overall statement on gender roles, I realized while reading this that, all you reporters, globe-trotting around the world to bring we readers interesting and important stories every day, have your own lives, problems, challenges, on top of doing a demanding job.
While true for others, the extensive travel, probably short notice to be somewhere- must be a constant family strain.
As a reader, I often ignore who the reporter is, and certainly don’t think about a family left behind. Thanks for making me aware that you are only human- and life can be just as difficult for you as for your journalistic subjects, and for we readers. Good luck and a high five for your ex-wife- she sounds special.
37
Why did the author not charge the cousin with assault? Why is this insane and dangerous man still at large? Did I miss something?
37
It was at the end of the article...but the guy is not in jail now.
“He told them he was wrong and guilty. They took him to jail, and he bonded out. I know he was charged with a felony, first-degree assault and battery, and that he spent nearly two years in pretrial hearings before he finally pleaded guilty to second-degree assault. The judge released him on probation but imposed a lifetime restraining order to protect me. I know that he entered counseling, yet he has no diagnosis of mental illness.”
5
@Mr. Little It's in the story. While in the hospital, the author was interviewed by police. The police followed up, interviewed the cousin who admitted to the attack. He was charged, convicted and sentenced. Had rest of lifetime restraining order against the author (among other consequences).
3
@Mr. Little The article notes that the cousin was indeed charged with assault (by a prosecutor -- a victim cannot "bring charges" although the prosecutor may consider the victim's wishes). As to why he is at large, just a guess here, but I'd say he was bailed out and later paroled because he is a white man in America; if he were not, he would have spent the better part of a lifetime in jail. And had he just beat up his wife, he'd maybe not have been charged at all.
5
This story strikes me as beautifully written, raw, and honest. I hear a man taking responsibility for his choices, trying to make sense of the damage done TO him and BY him. Is it a measure of our brutalized culture that so many of the responses above lack empathy? I would challenge all those readers who have no sympathy for any of these men or who impugn the writer’s truthfulness to share a scathingly honest assessment of how they became so judgmental. Are we becoming a nation of bullies, always ready to attack the vulnerable? I applaud the courage of this man to be rigorously honest.
47
@KTB The person who has no empathy in this story is the author. Where is his empathy for his wife? For his children? For the people his cousin brutalized? For the teenager who no doubt was traumatized by having a gun heald to his head?
@David Goldberg-I'm convinced the author has huge regret and empathy. Putting that in the article could appear as trying to rationalize or buy forgiveness. He's being brutally honest and coming to terms with the costs to him and his family and the amens he owes. His empathy will grow as he's able to connect more with the pain of his own assaultive experiences and how he's unconsciously acted out this conditioning to abandon others.
I applaud the exploration of complex social themes in theory, but at a certain point aren't you doing more harm than good by obsessing over it? It's one thing to be a male undergrad at Amherst thinking about how you will balance your desire to have a career with your future spouse's own interests—great, so the privileged have more latitude to plan their lives around these things. But you're trying to just support your family as a journalist and your wife pitches in to take care of the infant? And you beat yourself up for that, so much as even spend time thinking about it? This is where I believe, respectfully, progressivism goes too far. You're already in a tough situation, and to be mad at yourself for reverting to what thousands of families did to get through difficult times just seems like unproductive self-flagellation.
7
@Philip We should regularly be thinking about whether we are treating the people in our lives fairly and kindly. The fact that you think you shouldn't be thinking of it at all--that you think doing your fair share in your home is a luxury merely for the privileged--that you think the near-constant task of caring for two small children is just "pitching in"--makes me grieve for what your family life must be. If you actually live according to these principles, you're living in a selfish, entitled way cut off emotionally from the people you're supposed to love.
2
@Sarah I think where we disagree is that you think it is emotionally cruel to divide labor in the way it is depicted in the story. I simply disagree with that. Even if he wished he could have done more, my point, which I think stands either way, is simply that it does him little good as a person to beat himself up because he used all of his energy on trying to provide for the family and wasn't able to do more.
And I definitely don't mean to minimize the work of taking on child-rearing by use of the words "pitching in." If anything, the volunteerism inherent in the phrase emphasizes the degree of sacrifice involved when anyone—either man or woman—takes on the child-rearing duties. The purpose of the phrase is not to minimize the difficulty of the work, but rather to highlight the total selflessness it implies and requires of whomever takes it up.
And yes, wealth does enable greater choice and freedom and consequently greater opportunity to avoid falling back on gendered roles. Goldman Sachs is making its analyst class 50/50...because it can. There are well-known engineering firms who, if they made their classes 50/50, would go out of business, and as such can't achieve that kind of gender parity quite yet.
1
My main takeaway from this piece is that for all the obsession men today have with the degree and form their individual masculinity may take at any given time-whatever sense their masculinity is actually manifesting in a given moment is extremely fragile. This requires a constant focus on the self as evidenced by the author's precious mountaintop and extensive hipster renovation delusions peppered with indulgent escapes from the reality of his family no one put a gun to his head and forced him to have. Women however, typically just quietly go on shouldering the burdens of life-as men used to do, at least in my grandparent's generation. Keys to the author's entitled character are obvious from the get-go: the way he tormented his own exhausted father during mealtimes mother was absent to the way he fed off his underprivileged cousin's defensive strength against real problems and deprivations, everywhere the author went it was all about him. Testosterone, history of military sexual trauma, and extreme emotional neglect almost certainly provided the breeding ground for this attack that was ultimately motivated by understandable contempt. I hope his cousin who suffered to serve our country gets the help he deserves. I hope the author makes an effort to atone for the damage he has done to his family and grows up. The attacker cousin suffered at the hands of society and a military system that fed off of his strength, the author suffers mostly from self-obsession.
4
@Andrea Hawley I see your point but you go too far. I get that the author was privileged and self indulgent. I think he would agree with you there - at least to me it sounds as if he is castigating himself. It is certainly a gnarly issue to try to explain/justify/regret and self blame.
I do wish there were more information about how his cousin was raised; I agree we would probably find he came from a rage filled home. However, you seem to blame the author for his cousin beating him up. Maybe I misconstrue? I absolutely agree that our culture failed the cousin, and indeed the military did because you don't hear about him getting any therapy after his serving. Talk about failing people. America is so ready to throw people into war and just as easily abandon them when they return home.
2
I was worried my comment went too far. The assault was indeed severe and terrible. However, the author admitted that when his cousin needed to talk about the sexual assault he endured serving our nation, the author turned him away, and continued to bask in his cousin’s ultra masculine persona, hoping some of it would rub off on him, benefit or justify him somehow, while leaving his obviously suffering cousin who referred to him as a brother in need. Truth be told, the author is a user. The author insulted his cousin, who he was using and ignoring, in that cousin’s own home in front of a large group of family members, knowing he was mentally unbalanced and knowing the sad reason why. Then he decided, metaphorically speaking, to tweak an injured grizzly bear’s nose and wonders why he got mauled. I’m not saying the author deserved to be beaten. I’m saying I don’t feel sorry for him, which is what he seems to want. Trying to attribute his experience to someone else’s “toxic masculinity” is just a bit precious here I think. It’s harder to face up to one’s own role in a situation while acknowledging the sacrifices of a veteran. Especially when the routine of raising a family is enough to unhinge you. “Toxic masculinity” indeed. Sometimes too much is better than not enough. At least his cousin tried to do something for our country.
1
"My cousin is not schizophrenic." Hmm. The author's cousin was convinced that intruders entered his house each night, made secret recordings to "prove" it, and heard voices (that were not there) when listening to said tapes. He also took a minor slight (the gibe about "being a man"), stewed over it, and "realized" that the cousin/friend who made the quip "was" the "intruder" and also cuckolding him, then brutally assaulted his cousin/friend without warning or discussion, then lapsed into confusion and remorse. Well, maybe he was abusing testosterone, cannabis, and alcohol, and maybe he had been traumatized in the military, and those factors may well have contributed to what happened, but it's clear that he was psychotic when the assault took place and probably had been for some time. Sounds more like schizophrenia of the paranoid subtype than anything else. (Oh and yes, there are cases in which testosterone activates a formerly "silent" case of schizophrenia. Shades of The Adventure of the Creeping Man...)
82
@Stephen J
I very much agree. People who are "psychotic" are by definition out of touch with reality, at least temporarily if not permanently, and the cousin's behavior certainly puts him in that category. I am certainly not qualified to diagnose him (or anyone) but I feel safe in saying that there is something gravely wrong with this man, and that he apparently has always been this way, though testosterone and other drugs, as well as military trauma, could have made it worse.
While it may not be safe to contact this man directly, he is still family to our author, and I hope he might somehow arrange, perhaps through intermediaries, for him to get some help. I have a friend who has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenic, and while he isn't always "all there," by and large his condition is well controlled by medication.
7
So many things to consider. Just one of which is the idea in the piece and comments that the cousin just went in a rage. He did not. His plan was premeditated, carried out and completed. Does this not put his mental and psychological health in a more serious light?
24
This was an extremely reflective story. I was shocked when working in a psychology lab studying anxiety to understand that bullying, violence, has its roots in anxiety. Yes, in worry. For me this was a revelation, a revelation at 30. Maybe this sounds silly to say but suddenly childhood locker room beatings (et al.) became scrutable. Suddenly I realized that the various dudes who always seemed to have it out for me were actually incredibly worried about what people thought about them and I was small enough not to pose a physical threat to them. They were not strong at all, but weak, fragile, scared.
Yeah, that's something an adult says, useless paternal platitudes. My father would have said that to me if I had talked to him about it, and his words, meaningless, would not have been actionable for me; "I know your scared, Jason, its okay" would have done nothing to stop my gauntlet of beat downs. However, recognizing at 30 that it was specifically anxiety that drove this behavior seemed poignant. Anxiety can be treated.
303
Can’t agree with your first paragraph and I’ve heard that one a lot. “Yes, he may be a bully but inside he’s a frightened little boy.”
Maybe not. That may be the point.
It reminds me of that old chestnut little girls were told “that little boy only threw a rock at you because he likes you.”
Umm. No.
29
@Aaron
It's interesting how randomly the ingredients that comprise "growing up" combine to make our mature selves. As a fellow traveler down the "small enough not to pose a physical threat" road (4' 9" and 90 lbs when I turned 15), I was never subjected to being bullied, other than by the one guy in our class who was my size (and then only once). I did not avoid bullying because I was tough for my size (I was not), or had powerful friends looking out for me, or had a stand-up comedian's gift for one-liners. I'm pretty sure the humiliation that would have been heaped on would-be bullies for not picking on someone their own size was a more than adequate deterrent. At another high school, who knows.
What protected me from physical abuse as a teen, however, proved to be a liability when it came to dating. Not many girls wanted to go out with a boy who looked more like her little brother. On the other hand, now that I'm part of the Medicare generation, if I feel the need for a compliment, all I have to do is show someone my driver's license or passport. And though I did not become a parent until I was in my 40's, I have yet to be mistaken for my childrens' grandfather.
12
@Vivienne
I hear you about making excuses/allowances for abusive people. You're right. I have no interest in doing that and wouldn't advocate for that. Excuses forgive, enable, perpetuate. Instead, my goal is to most efficiently stop an abuser's current and future behavior. Full stop.
In order to do that, yes, I find empathy (not excuses) to be my most effective tool; If I can understand my abuser's motivations I can disarm him. At its most effective, consider it mental Jujitsu.
Empathy requires work, though, and it is not the responsibility of victims to engage in that work. Vicitims' only responsibility is to themselves, to find peace in their lives. In my case I find that peace through empathy because understanding both helps me protect myself in real time and make sense of what I have gone through. For me, the alternative is to continue to be afraid. However, we must all find what works for ourselves with positive self-regard.
Empathy tells us, for example in the case of anxiety and bullying, that sending a bully to a hard-nosed principal who will assert his alpha over them is a counterproductive strategy. The principle, or heavy-handed parent, may be able to control the child while present, but the bullying shifts elsewhere and is likely increased. A therapist or counselor is a better course for effective treatment, someone who can help a bully identify the source of their fear and guide them toward adaptive responses that will stop future abuse.
25
All abuse, whether its assaults like the author suffered, mass shootings, child or domestic abuse or even nasty online commentary we find everywhere, all stem from selfishness and lack of empathy. It is frightening to think of how often and normalized the breeding of toxic bullying is built into our culture. Thank you to the author for bringing it all into question and showing us unblinkingly the terrible reality of what modern violence and machismo has become.
5
The story of your life is so much bigger than the story of your relationship with your cousin. Thank you for sharing it.
201
@Jason Galbraith
Jason,
You are so right. This is equally a tale about trying to support a marriage and children with - like most of us - emotional and financial resources that are finite.
Lee
6
What can I say to that?
There are male archetypes, and there are culturally inherited templates and values. Protector, provider, defender, leader, husband, hunter; these are very old and they don't suddenly evaporate as factors that percolate up and through the unconscious mind. They need not be negative - in the proper context and with an ability to redirect them constructively - but they can become malign.
Our culture - while in strenuous flux and stress - still idolizes these characteristics, and fetishizes them in film, attitudes towards guns, and video game violence. We are a fractured culture under extreme stress from so many directions, and young men in particular have difficulties with their expectations, emotions, and the burdens of our age. Probably it was easier with more constraints and more established templates, for many, though certainly not all.
Quiet frankly, I see this as an endemic problem in the United States, where power is fetishized, and which in its hyper-competitiveness breeds a winner-take-all approach, promoting power over compassion, and "winning" as the overriding virtue in the modern cage match competition for power and wealth.
There is a place for the old archetypes, and there has to be, because they will not go away. However, the mix of those archetypes with American culture in an age of extreme uncertainty and insecurity is a recipe for ultra-violence by, upon and within the individual, state and family.
It is a dangerous time.
18
@Nicholas Huh . . . from one Nicholas to another =+)
Well, I'm American but I grew up abroad, educated in England and living in India, Africa and Japan for a full third of my life. I must say that there has never been violence of any sort in my life, and I'm beginning to feel the creeping realization that this actually could be and *American* thing . . . my dad, who bombed the occupied continent in WWII for 26 missions, didn't have a vicious thought in a single bone of his body, and was a loving, caring man to us children and my mother for his entire life. None of my friends, either American or not, were in any way bullying or violent, and even as a kid I would have cut them off permanently if I could have. In British school—boarding school—there was never a culture of violence. Bullying, yes, but violence, never. The bullying was always verbal, and intellect usually defused it.
Now I begin to wonder why there isn't an epidemic of school stabbings in England, mass murders in the workplaces of Russians, Africans, Japanese and Indians each and every week now with sickening regularity, and as an American (living in Canada) I cannot help but wonder if all this is to be American at its root.
There seems to be no other explanation.
6
I am grateful for the author's insights and feel it will help me be more compassionate with my father.
7
An amazing story and well written. So glad the author has survived a terrible ordeal, risen above it all and can self reflect, but why the gnawing preoccupation with gender and gender stereotypes? Why is it written like one has to choose (even subconsciously) a prescriptive male stereotype to fit into? Not suggesting stereotypes have no value or power, but I'd rather see the message that one can act on stereotypes or not, but, better yet, ignore them. Gender has a lot of cachet at the moment, but it always feels forced and reductive as a unifying factor and lens through which to view the world. Let's not add to the obsession.
14
@Cassandra I think that gender is an interesting lens to look at the way that he broke, his marriage broke, and his cousin broke.
5
@Cassandra
Very well said
3
@Cassandra
I think, Cassandra, that he writes about stereotypes of masculinity because for him, that is the big issue.
1) He is not comfortable with his own masculinity;
2) He and his wife made choices that made their own lives harder and threatened their own senses of self and self-definition.
3) He is still working out the connection between his attraction to this specific dangerous guy and his own failure to make a life with one specific woman.
Someone else could have written a different story about this same assault, but I enjoyed this one.
3
Wow. This is an incredible story. It is hard to absorb and take it all in. Thank you for sharing this deeply moving story. I wish you the best on your lifelong recovery.
15
Awesome writing describing one person’s perspective on their life story. We need to recognize the forces so powerfully depicted in the story are alive and well in our society, and take actions to make a better world. I loved the honesty. One area not overtly mentioned is the strength of relationships in our family of origin, including cousins. This story is a compelling example of that. Thank you for this piece.
21
Your children do not need to know all your failures. They were your choices.
25
How parents avoid negatively affecting our children with the foibles and maladjustment that plague us?
For many people the answer seems to be honest self reflection and a lot of work.
Isn’t it ironic that we often don't fully understand this until after we’ve had children?
Becoming and living as a thoughtful and effective adult can be a lifetime of work.
Accepting and owning our personal issues and imperfections seems to be a requirement. A good therapist helps too.
Working hard to be an effective father to my kids slowly transformed me into a man, and I am intensely grateful for this. I feel strengthened by the love I feel for and receive from the members of my family.
The authors description of choosing the best of masculine dogmas and discarding what doesn’t fit seems spot-on to me:
“to acknowledge whatever virtues they contain and disavow the rest.”.
I really appreciated reading this substantive and well-written piece, my thanks to the author and the NYT for publishing it.
30
I ca only imagine how it must feel to be abused and treated so badly by the person you have looked up to all of your life, and for them to turn around and do a deed this horrible is just animalistic and inhuman.
13
Animals dont do this. They kill to eat and live, not to act out insane paranoid fantasies.
1
Mesmerizing, painful piece. Hats off to you, Mr. Hylton, for your introspection and vulnerability.
35
If the cousin's lifelong internal rage, often erupting in inexplicable violence, had been channeled "correctly" by the military toward our "enemy" on the battlefields of undeclared wars, he had the potential to be hero. There have always been ex-heroes covered in medals who can't adapt to civilian life after leaving the military. These days they are generally diagnosed with PTSD. I was reminded of this while watching a scene from "A Winter Soldier", where disaffected Vietnam War veterans toss their medals in disgust. There will always be some people like this, who relish joining special forces, or perhaps a police force, to fight whatever "enemy" manifests itself, getting paid and be-medaled for it. They are a small, but significant minority of the military and law enforcement. They occasionally misfire, get caught, and ejected. This cousin likely did something while in the military causing his ejection; unfortunately, his violent predispositions remained, perhaps even exacerbated by his military experience.
9
@William C Vaughan I found myself thinking the same thing. The cousin's clear relish and aptitude for violence can indeed make a man into a military asset and possible hero. But that, coupled with no impulse control, makes a man a threat even to an organization whose very ethos is violence.
1
It's all too easy to ascribe bad - terrible! - behavior to gender stereotypes. Not all men are violent, not all women are gold diggers.
What is missing from this powerful and, yes, persuasive story is the element of personal choice. Unlike frat boys who may make bad choices encouraged by the group, the author chose the gun-brandishing cousin over his disapproving friends.
Raised in a violent family, it is likely that he idolized the rebellious cousin because he fought back against authority, something which he himself was unable to do. His own survival mechanism was abandonment.
To project personal choices on half the world's population does not bode well for self-appraisal and understanding.
49
@Jane Well said.
4
As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that this assault has nothing to do with masculinity, toxic or otherwise, and everything to do with mental illness. The day of the assault, the cousin was experiencing psychosis. He was hearing things that were non-existent and expressing paranoid delusions. Maybe this was due to the effects of cannabis or another drug? Maybe the cousin has bipolar disorder or schizophrenia?
I think the Howard Stern interview also in today's edition has a lot more to offer about the power and pitfalls of socially constructed masculinity.
436
@Henry: It does have to do with masculinity and power and strength and intimidation. A mentally ill woman could not have inflicted this damage on another human with her bare hands. It may be at the intersection of mental illness and masculinity, but it absolutely does involved masculinity.
36
@Henry - As a psychologist who has worked extensively with seriously mentally ill people (including those in the criminal justice system), I agree with you that the underlying issue here is mental illness; but I don't agree that the cousin's behavior had "nothing to do with masculinity". As I'm sure you know, delusions, especially paranoid ones, don't come out of nowhere. They often express, in bizarre or exaggerated form, themes or issues that are prevalent in the wider culture. The theme of hyper-masculinity had apparently been important to the cousin throughout his life, and when he became mentally ill, it became central to his paranoid delusions.
72
@Henry
Did you miss the part about his testosterone supplements?
I think that's more culpable than cannabis.
BTW, if you are a psychatrist, I'm surprised to hear you diagnosing someone who is not your patient and you have not seen in person.
18
Thank you wholeheartedly for sharing thoughts that finally make justice to human’s intelligence – a capacity of love to see. You are a gifted writer and I thank you for using this gift to share such important aspects of our lives. I do however wonder why you still think there needs to be something that “ought to guide me”, a “model of what it is to be a man”, if what you seemed to have learnt was that such models were hiding fears and justified abuse, creating comfortable and dangerous prisons. Why do we need to divide humanity on the basis of sexual organs and then create models for each? In which way does it make any more sense than dividing it on melanin content or on numbers in a bank account and asking each group to follow designated “models”?
8
Wow. Powerful.
While it seems that some self-awareness was gained, it historically didn't rise to the level of making sensible decisions.
As a rebel myself, I have spent a life doing things not as others might have, but I've always been cognizant of the trade offs, or at least that's what I tell myself. I've never seen it in the context of what a 'man' might do or choose, and perhaps therein lies much of the difference in outcome.
My general rule is that with relationships we often expect to gain too much while often offering too little in return. That is true with parents, children, friends....anyone.
But it is clear that the cousin is a dysfunctional and mentally disturbed man. He shouldn't be allowed to own a weapon.
Though my father was a WWII war hero, he never imparted much 'male role model' to his three sons, and while this somewhat impaired our abilities to bond easily with both men and women until we had fully matured, it was/is certainly better than the extreme opposite, as evidence by this piece.
5
Well written confessional and open. It is a story of psychologic instability and repeated attempts at rescue of self and the violent cousin. The author is clearly talented and unafraid to share a very personal history. While the cousin did not have a diagnosis it is likely that he may have suffered from paranoia or drug /alcohol related transient psychosis.The author himself appears to have experienced an abusive relationship with his father that was the result of the fathers own periodic rage and the author,s defiance,His was a troubled psyche in adolescence and long into his adult life. Nevertheless I commend the writer for his present insights his hard work in whatever tasks he undertook and for what appears to be belated stability and good judgment in severing all contact with his cousin and certainly for his writings.
8
Amazing story, sure to haunt me for a while. I sped through it because it was so painful to read. But now I think I'll go back and read it carefully. Wil must be on the "lifetime recovery plan" for his experiences (being brutalized, socialized in this way) and his actions (perpetuating the poor models, wrecking his marriage.) The road is long. but the emotional rewards of intimacy and being truly seen by his children and future partners will be worth it. Sometimes, I think we're all on the "recovery plan" against patriarchy and male dominance. It's not fun and it looks bumpy with two steps forward (Obama) and one step back (Trump) but hopefully the arc of history does bend toward justice, equality, and peace.
32
It’s remarkable how some people always blame the victim. Sure the author made mistakes, and admits these in great detail. But he was also under a great deal of financial pressure as the breadwinner for his family, and anyway no one deserves to be assaulted like this.
The most critical element for me, which isn’t examined in detail here, is that many “strong” men feel their masculinity is such a fragile thing that they believe others have the power to take it away with a careless comment, a solid punch, or an admiring glance from the wrong gender. As the cousin admits, this was the trigger.
56
I worry about the cousin’s wife. I hope she hasn’t been brutalized by her husband.
223
@Rodin's Muse
I think its impossible his wife has never experienced abuse.
13
Shattering, raw, unflinching writing, superbly told and impossible to turn away from.
My only problem with the piece is the concept of “toxic masculinity.” What the author and his cousin, (and the alt-right and the ‘militias’ and the neo-nazis and the Incels) exhibit is not ‘masculine’ in any way that I define the term. It is quite the opposite. It’s what men do who are chasing masculinity, feel it’s absence keenly and lash out. His cousin lashed out physically and the author, more insidiously, lashed out with a load of passive-aggression bigger than the mountain he thoughtlessly built his ‘man-castle’ on.
The piece reminds us yet again that many boys grow older but manhood escapes them.
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@Mjxs
I agree. I always see men acting violently, aggressively or belligerently as fundamentally weak and terrified people.
3
recommend Terrence Real's
"I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression."
Males are more depressed than we want to admit.
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@Emmett Coyne...worst is it manifests in anger.
2
All men in this world are are not defined by such a sad parable: the Sociopath and the Masochist, both following the paths of least resistance.
22
Seems less like a story about masculinity, and more like a story about ignoring signs of violent mental illness. How many times did he ignore or make excuses for his cousins violent criminal behavior? I think that, to explain his own poor choices in dealing with his cousin, he’s forcefully tried to craft some sort of lesson about masculinity.
It sounds like he just enjoyed the perks of being friends with a violent jerk, and eventually the obvious thing happened.
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Yes. For some reason the protection this cousin offered became a symbol of masculinity to the author. A false symbol, as decent masculinity often involves protection but also involves restraint, awareness of reality, adherence to an appropriate understanding of justice and the rights of all involved.
2
I find it appalling that the author would bring his son into this man's sphere. It is one thing to place yourself in a situation that is inherently risky but to take that risk with your child is unacceptable. His ex-wife bears some responsibility too, but it sounds like she was too defeated by her ex-husband's total lack of character.
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@EASC
America is all about father-son bonding over hyper testosterone masculine ghosts from the past. Indeed, that is the legacy most men can't wait to pass along to male offspring. And the cycle continues.
1
To the writer - I'm really sorry this happened to you. It was horrific to read about, let alone to experience first-hand. Your immediate reaction after was superhuman IMO. You took care to keep your kids safe even while seriously injured and probably while in shock.
I hope you understand that none of what happened was your fault. And I hope that you're able to heal from that day and regain some trust in the world.
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I'm amazed that after all that, the cousin didn't spend one day in jail. Second-degree assault? For putting someone in the hospital? Sounds more like attempted murder to me.
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Wasn’t premeditated. But he needs a “three-strikes” problem at some point. Then he’ll actually be “all out”.
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@John He spent no time in jail, even in pre-trial detention?
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@John
Me too. Probation, and ordered to stay away from his victim, as if no one else could ever be in danger from him.
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If this shows anything, it shows that emotional sense has little to do with intellectual sense. Even with “educated” people ( father a lawyer, wife almost a PhD, himself a gifted journalist) violence exists.
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What strikes me, and I see this in real life as well, is that people gravitate to the bully, because as long as the bully is destroying other people, they feel safe. I think it's cowardly. I hate those who benefit from others' pain and suffering. It's only a matter of time before the bully's violence swings around and hurts those who have protected or excused his or her actions. I'm glad his cousin didn't kill him, but he sure did profit and revel in the proximity of violence.
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@Surviving-This is the point our Republican leaders in Congress and other officials in the Trump orbit need to understand. You can't support someone and hold your nose and ignore their threats and ethical lapses without realizing sooner or later he will come for you.
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In Eastern pathology the cousin’s diagnosis would be “liver fire blazing”. A case of beers, that oughta do it.
6
I don't remember the qualities of a gentleman as being "violence". Our Govt. / Society applauds violence because that is how governments control people. Masculinity is not violent, or greedy or isolating, these are all personal choices. I believe the "toxic manhood" label is just feminist hat speech against all men. Nothing more than modern propaganda.
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I have little sympathy for the men in this story. The writer knew his cousin was violent yet chose to spend time with him, and he likely had/has mental health issues. The writer expected his wife to give up her life to manage his since he couldn't do it himself. I found myself skimming the end of the article to get away from the excuses. The writer appears to have not grown up at all and is still making excuses for his own and his cousin's behavior.
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@Kim Perhaps you should have read the whole article; he repeatedly admits both these things and they are main focus points.
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@Kim
I also found myself skimming, fascinated by the writer's continued lack of self awareness. My primary concern is for all the children touched by the bad choices that the adults in their lives made and continue to make.
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@Kim
I found myself skimming, too, but mostly because I thought the pacing was bad. And while I think there's enough recrimination to go around among the adult players in this story, I think none is so deserving of our disgust as the Judge. Who looks at this man--thrown into a violent rage after suffering what appears to be a months-long psychosis, following a lifetime of baseless violence, to the point that the cops were called on him at his own wedding--and thinks that 2 years of probation and a single restraining order are adequate? The toxic masculinity being discussed in this article is not just a social problem--our justice system is more than willing to accept that boys will be boys, even when they're full-grown men who try to kill their family members over a misunderstanding. rascals!
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He was lonely. He loved his dangerous
cousin.
An extraordinary portrait of a melancholy bond.
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All I know is that the cousin reminds me of my son. He started taking testosterone as a teenager to be bigger/faster/stronger in sports...then it was the excessive mj use to calm down...and we have been in a devastating cycle of violence, rage, and disfunction for ten years now.
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I recommend Ken Kesey’s essay Demon Box to the author for its examples of how the pressures of (particularly) American society affect individuals trying to provide a good life for their families. Of course, Americans are more privileged to suffer these existential dilemmas than, say, Yemenis.
2
The author laid out his story and the judgements are apalling. He doesn't make himself out as a hero. Far from it he acknowledges his failings graphically. If anyone was the hero in his story, it was his ex-wife.
I don't know if the writer was deliberately leading us to this but his cousin and others served as surrogate father figures. It's clear that from a very young age he never bonded with his own father, and therefore he sought out someone--anyone--who could fit the bill.
This is a tragedy that plays out in every generation, and in the author's case even in the upper middle-class.
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@John Absolutely. The lack of compassion in the comments is astonishing.
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A beautifully written piece about the allure of the dark side, about delusion, and self destruction. I hope everyone involved is getting the help they so desperately need.
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Brilliant writing, full of the passion that comes with personal truth.
Anyone who has thought deeply understands how cultures and humans make and share our own internal realities. There is no "true" masculinity or any other construct - we learn from those we experience.
The author asks us to examine the sources of thought patterns - how they are passed on to us and why, and the effects of shifts in social organization (women's recent expectations of challenging work outside the home; social tolera
12
(continued)
...tolerance permitting new lifestyles; the inevitable clash between thought systems).
Thank you for baring your soul - I will share with my family.
6
This man's challenging marriage and isolated child rearing speaks to me like I had written it of my own, and is probably more common than society admits. The lack of extended family involvement, the traditional gender roles we fall into, whether we like it or not, and the internal challenges we face if we have to go against them. Raising children is hard, and goes against most expectations.
The cousin is clearly one of the violent, rogue figures of the world. With a tinge of more unusual crazy perhaps. It does not surprise me, the attraction between author and cousin. Male idolization is a thing-- albeit in many forms. Confidence, strength, successes, draw you to people. And fraternal bonds of this sort can linger. Not for good reasons of values, family, or positivity-- but for whatever in them makes us feel whole. The violent cousin likely was charming in a way, being in his presence made you feel safe, and involved. Only after 10 years removed can we see the disturbing nature that drew us in. Yet can also be completely normal-- not a bond to be put down as "you should have known better".
I commend the author for the detailed life perspective. Challenges, and violence. There can be no fault, blame. Just introspection and where it takes you.
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I deeply appreciated Hylton's insights and self-awareness. I've long struggled to understand the dynamics and the multi-generational consequences of male violence in my mother's family (hard for me to grasp, as someone blessed with a gentle dad & therefore a gentle husband). Hylton's article beautifully captured the nuances of his complex relationships with his father, cousin, and son -- the longings, the struggles, the inconsistencies. I hope he will write a book, and hope even more that he will extend his exploration of masculinity to consider its traumatic effects on his wife and daughter as well as his son.
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This story is powerful. Thank you.
I keep wondering about the cousin's wife and child though. sigh
26
The author writes well but that doesn't mean he has any kind of good judgment.
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@Talbot Please tell what you mean by good judgement, since your comment implies that you are sure that you know what it is and how to assess it. Good judgement is learned -- it comes from analysis that provides insights and understanding that enables better choices and better outcomes. What I hear in this story is the stuff that makes for good judgement, or at least better judgement. Your comment, by contrast, suggests that you miss understanding what makes for good judgement -- and if so, it begs a question about the kind of judgement underlying your comment much moreso than about the author's judgement.
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@Talbot
Yes, I had pretty much the same question: How is such a smart person such a patsy? Even most dummies like me soon recognize that a bully will turn on you, his pal, sooner or later. Another, mundane example: If someone gossips to you about someone else, it's pretty certain that they also gossip about you.
We kind of live in a bubble: We watch others misbehave or do stupid things, but never conceive that that could happen to us. It's always the other guy, until it isn't (as TV characters never tire of saying).
I live a distracted life. My mind is almost always elsewhere. What were we talking about anyway?
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@Doug Henderson Good judgement might mean that you keep your distance from people who randomly assault other people. The author even makes in clear in the article that he questions his own judgement.
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This was a risky story to write. I learned a lot from it and I'm a little appalled by all the judgment in the comments. I wish we heard more from men in this vein, but we won't if we don't listen openly and work on understanding WITH them.
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Well put!
Sometimes you learn more by turning off the agree/disagree function in your mind and just taking it in. This is someone’s experience, relayed through the lens of his experience. I’m grateful for the chance to be inside his mind through his clear writing and honesty about where he is and what he sees.
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I agree. I also notice that many people have ridiculed the author for various life choices. I wonder if those critics have led fault-free lives with crystal clear, rational choices. If so, kudos.
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@C Sexton There's a difference between leading a "fault-free life" which none of us do, and making thoughtless choices that are guaranteed to lead to disaster.
9
Wil, thanks for sharing this. Very powerful story, both about gender and the more personal one about your relation with your cousin. You've been through a lot. For what it's worth, the behaviour and reasoning of your cousin seem to be identical to that of people in psychosis. This seems to be substantially different to unprocessed rage or frustration. He might not have heard voices, but when your interpretation of reality is so distorted that you think noises are voices, this is still psychosis. I have experienced this kind of 'hearing' things myself. Anxiety and unrealistic (gender) standards can indeed be fertile soil for such an attack I suppose. I'm sorry you had to go through all this.
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I have a certain awe towards the writer who created this world for me to see moving and menaci.ng recreating and advancing so close I see the cleaning eyes and teeth. I grew up in a small town in the South, and all of these characters or versions of the author I could see all around me, and sometimes passing through me. What resonates is the power, physical power, writers descriptive power....This kind of essay would be great to toss out to a group and participate in the devouring, and the discovery. thanks.
39
Your cousin had some serious issues and you had issues as well. Most can recognize danger. You knew very well, your cousin was a dangerous person and yet you thought you were somehow immune to his anger. Some but not much sympathy for fools.
20
I hope everyone is getting professional help.
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Not just the tragedy of toxic masculinity but also peoples’ willingness to excuse, forgive, explain away, all sorts inexcusable behavior by men.
That is just as much a problem and just as systemic. “That’s just the way he is,” “careful, he has a temper,” or “he just needs to blow off a little steam.” All nonsense. People have been conditioned to give these violent people some room and make allowances for them. Their victims who dare to complain are treated as the troublemakers. The old “what did you do to make him angry?”
A powerful piece of writing.
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@Vivienne--"toxic masculinity" I despise that term. Now any form of aggressiveness is "toxic masculinity" and deplorable and we need to be ashamed of it. It's that toxic masculinity that built the world. Otherwise we'd just all be eloi waiting to be eaten.
14
@magnus All true and while the cousin discussed was a warrior, (though one the service deemed not worthy of keeping) the overwhelming majority of men that are violent aren't... (my family is and was in the Service and has been for generations on generations since the first years of this country)
Most men aren't violent, most men aren't rapists, most servicemen (and women) are deserving of thanks and honor and good health care and good civilian jobs that they often don't receive
The condemnation of 'half the species' isn't coming from the male author here - it's of his own weakness and his cousin's eruption in violence. To call it 'half the species' is to say all men are violent, that there's a preponderance of monsters when I'd bet that that label can truly be a fixed to a very small, active and virulent minority. I think you know that and maybe didn't see that this piece about two particular men isn't about about 'all men.' No reasonable piece could ever be about all men.
The great and wonderful truth is the overwhelming majority of men are protective not violent, even at cost to themselves. Look at that those two kids who took bullets in CO with no military training...
Sometimes in seeing things as Not All Men means not seeing the actual messaging here. It's about one man who after sustaining a brain and other injuries is trying to understand his relationship to a cousin who was always violent. And that cousin is thankfully a very unusual man - not all men.
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@magnus
Selfless? You've got to be kidding. Where is the evidence of selflessness in the psychopathic cousin? Duty? He was tossed out of the military, exaggerated/lied about his experiences, and in a fit of paranoia, beat his relative nearly to death. He needed to be reined in much earlier in his life, redirected. He needed the guidance of a REAL man - a man who protects the vulnerable and is agentic. This is an expression of true power, which prominently features self-control and an awareness of the lives of others. There is nothing "masculine" about being an out of control individual who seems to have accomplished little but perfecting the art of violence in his life.
34
Might is right. Welcome to America everybody!
The only surprise was that the author was not shot at, if he had been then it would be A True American Tale.
21
Well written, but I think you’re overly self involved and would be more content focusing on others.
15
This isn't "toxic masculinity."
The guy is nuts. He was crazy and antisocial from childhood, and even got himself thrown out of the Army. He was having auditory hallucinations (through the medium of iPad recordings).
Was his problem due to PTSD from severe childhood abuse, or the result of a brain injury at an early age? Could be.
But either way, he was stark, staring crazy for decades, and probably still is, and it's a shame, but it isn't "masculinity" that caused it - masculinity is just the structure he used to conceal it and make it appear somewhat "normal."
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@Eric: Yep. A lot of men get into the habit at a young age of self-medicating mental illness, particularly mania, with marijuana. So the cousin's marijuana habit is an important clue. Mentally healthy people don't just violently "snap." The vicious attack in this story smells of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, exacerbated by PTSD.
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@Eric great insight. Mentally healthy people don’t “just snap.” The challenge for us as a society now is redefining masculinity so it no longer can mask mental illness.
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@Eric "Ttoxic masculinity" is often toxic because it masks insecurity and/or mental problems. The cousin has mental problems, and the writer is insecure. But they have no way of addressing it other than trying to be "manly" in the worst way possible.
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Absolutely terrifying. I was drawn to reading this because I too had a horrid cousin, while she wasn’t physically violent she was mentally and emotionally violent. She Burdened with family secrets at 7 too ashamed to confess knowing them to my mother out of fear of being the one to bring her shame to the surface. I often wished my cousin would have just beaten me, but after reading this piece I don’t think I will have that thought again.
Educating our children on understanding and developing their Emotional intelligence should be as mandatory as reading, writing and arithmetic. It is the destroyer of toxic masculinity and this ridiculous expectation of extreme stoicism. I think your piece is a good support for the need to do better by our children we need to start teaching them to be humans.
19
@Harley Great comment! Many people haven't a clue what children need to survive in this world and yet they have children. Wil Hylton and his cousin are an excellent example. Clearly Wil has turned the corner and his children will benefit. I vote for humans getting education as how to be humans, too. Why is that such a hard concept for school boards, administrators, parents and politicians? Could it be we are living in a very dark time in human history?
This seems to me more about “ growing up and showing up” filtered through the comfortable construct of the “ masculinity” filter rather than an actual acceptance of a flawed human being ( both author and cousin). Not certain the length of the article supports the very brief conclusion that the author wants what? As horrific as the violence is, equally horrific is the absence of, well the absence of the author in his own life and those of his family.
30
Conflating an unstable individual with symbols of masculinity and suggesting that his rage was induced by them is dishonest. This was a man with deep, psychological issues that were not the result of his masculinity.
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@Jon G
I wondered myself why this was not a story about mental illness.
Or about abusive men.
I think there were some links that would have been explored ie. your sexuality and your attraction to him.
53
@Jon G Why did his mental illness manifest the way it did, with using physical power to dominate, intimidate and annihilate threats to his masculinity? it isn't a coincidence. The way peoples' mental illness expresses itself doesn't happen in a vague 'crazy' vacuum; people act out often based on their input. Why do so many men go on shooting sprees vs women? Why do men commit more violent crimes (with victims of any gender) than women? These things are what people mean when they talk about toxic masculinity, not that 'all masculinity is toxic.'
34
The cousin clearly had issues, psychological or other but the tropes of masculinity allowed him to go through life with no push back. All bad behavior was excused or ignored. Masculinity may not have been the problem but it sure was great camouflage.
39
Not schizophrenic? Okay, perhaps he does not meet the criteria for that diagnosis, but the paranoia and delusional behaviors, not to mention hearing things that aren't there, those are indicative of *something* off about his grasp on reality.
As for the lifelong rage and violence, the easy way he lorded over others, lied without hesitation, and manipulated people to get what he wanted, those are classic traits of a psychopath. They enjoy power. They enjoy people being afraid of them. And they can be quite charming. Just ask the woman who had been Ted Bundy's girlfriend.
And as for the author, to say he has 'issues' would be putting it mildly. He is quite honest about the chaos his life became. That's about as much as I can say for him.
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This is a horrible story all around. The cousin’s lifetime of trading blows may have left him with a brain injury such as the ones football players often develop. He “snapped” is a too easy phrase. He was obviously deeply disturbed his whole life.
What’s troubling is the author ‘s attempt to blame external forces rather than his own choices and lack of character for his life. I agree that this male culture exists and is a big problem but not all men are attracted to it and behave this way. Real male, and female, power comes from within, not from some “role model.”
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@Laura Person I think that everything you said is literally his point. That he was blaming external forces, that power comes from within, not from those external forces or ideas of masculinity. He literally says as much; that masculinity is fluid and is whatever the individual wants it to be and that he wants to teach his son not to succumb to the external forces he once blamed.
32
@Mike Yes, that's good but the fact that he is even writing this shows more of a search for outside confirmation, rather than self examination.
Also, why is his son "my boy" and his daughter a daughter (not "my girl")? And the whole sexuality issue. There's a lot of material here for a good therapist!
10
In the aftermath of the unimaginable Parkland shootings I am revisiting my high school years at an elite southern boys’ school in that area fifty years ago. The system in place to “prepare” young men was founded on the toxic male values you have described so well in this heart-rending piece.
35
@tico Vogt--great. Taking brand new values and ideas and applying them to 50 years ago. 50 years later I wonder just how accurate your memories of HS really are.
3
I know a murderer. We knew each other as teenagers, I knew his sister well as a teenager; she dated one of my best friends. He murdered his girlfriend in his early 20s. He stabbed her multiple times and hit her with a hammer multiple times. By coincidence his lawyer employed a then-family member who told me that the defense attorney said it was the most gruesome murder he ever had to deal with. There is way more to the story than that, but it is incredibly disturbing to be so close to such horror.
21
A slice of society, one that has played out ten thousand times in ten thousand generations- and if the number were only that small. It's not. Humans can be very volatile creatures, kept in check by a society willing to risk the naked challenge of speaking out. Small wonder that the failure of so many Latin American governments owe in part to a culture of machismo male culture. Too often this type of mayhem written off by authorities that tacitly see too wide of a culpability line- often the victim being somehow responsible for wonton violence so inflicted. Sadly if it were a woman such an article might not even see publication in this- 'man bit dog' world. Me too? Yes, you too.
12
Incredible. And not enough is written about this subject: rage, sex drive. So much is written - and rightly so - about the many struggles females have growing up and into adulthood. But Not enough is written about boys. Testosterone has to play a huge part. Ask any male what it’s like to be 13 sitting in class with an unstoppable etection - for no reason. Sex is all you think about. It takes over every aspect of your life and violence becomes the substitute. I would imagine for some it just controls them this we end up with bullies who use either sex or violence or a combination of the two as a way to a means throughout life.
Society doesn’t want to admit this. No one wants to talk about it honestly. No offence but women simply don’t understand how that drive manifests inside. Controlling takes up so much of your mental energy day in and day out.
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@Jax
Thanks for pointing this out. Talk about an elephant in the room.
And now that I think of it, I don't think there is much honest appraisal, discussion or compassionate analysis of male sexuality and testosterone in general.
And no, I'm not excusing the bullies, genocides, rapists and the lot. But when all those problems primarily can be laid at the feet of men, you'd think there'd be more curiosity and less judgment.
The author paints a picture of continued male adolescence that a market consumer society thrives on. Men are encouraged to drink, get high, and put themselves first. His wife is portrayed as a ghost with little definition. No wonder there is violence and pain. For heaven sake, doesn’t he know that joy comes from simple pleasures and small tasks done always for others?
24
@Regina Tegeler I think in some way, the author equates male violence with love, and profited/benefited from people being scared of his cousin. I'm glad his eyes were opened, and that he wasn't killed.
8