So happy to see that many of us manage to not butt into our children's decisions about how they raise their kids. I'm happy to report that my daughter also doesn't butt into how I do my grandmothering. It all works out well!
3
I saving this excellent article for future reference, thank you. Reader comments are inspiring also. I'm 66 and helping my daughter move into her new college apt for senior year in 2 weeks. My other college student is home for the summer, his older brother just started graduate school overseas. Thank goodness I love my job - going to keep at it a few more years. Hope I'll have enough energy (and mobility) when I reach gramma status. Need to remember that "Did They Ask You" comment. Gotta write that down so I remember (...like everything else these days!).
3
It is magical. You can let go in a way that you couldn't as a parent and just "show up". That is priceless.
4
Thank you for this lovely interview between two insightful women. The wonderful thing about being a grandparent is we can give our grandchildren undivided attention. We know the rest of the stuff on that to-do list can wait until tomorrow. And offer advice to the parents ONLY when asked. And then sparingly.
7
I was glad to have the chance to learn about Anna Quinlan's take on being a grandmother and thank Paula for writing this column. And Anna's experience seems just about right to me and to many of my friends. There is a feeling of comfort with continuing the line and relative ease of grand-parenting (the joy of parenting without the tough decisions and 24/7 schedule.) And she obviously finds great satisfaction in watching her child blossom into a loving parent, and deservedly so.
6
Another wonderful column, Paula, and what fun to "meet" Anna as well through your conversation. Although I have one son and my husband has a son and daughter, it looked for years like there would be no grandchildren. We were sad but resigned. Then we were thrilled when my stepdaughter and her husband had a baby girl 7 years ago; and then a baby boy 2 years ago.
We live near enough to have regular contact (usually at least weekly unless someone is sick). Grandparenting has brought out in me an understanding of unconditional love that I truly have never known - I'm embarrassed to say not even in motherhood.
My husband and I have only one regret: that we didn't become grandparents when we were younger. We are both now in our 70s. Thankfully we are both still healthy and mobile but we do tire pretty easily. There are definitely things we could have done with these children in our 50s that we can't do now.
Nevertheless, fatigue be damned. This is a JOYOUS time of life.
12
I met Anna Quinlan for the first time in a graduate journalism class at Columbia. We were in our mid-20s. To think that we are now grandmothers, both of us called Nana, just blows my mind.
5
Thank you for this delightful conversation between two authors whose words have given me much guidance over the years. It's sad that more journalists do not write about the topic of grandparenting and maybe that's why I am especially appreciative of the Generation Grandparent column. We are too often overlooked in a culture that can be obsessed with stories about youth-and-beauty to the detriment of content about more important characteristics. These women are examples of the person I aspire to be. More Generation Grandparent, please!
7
What a great view into a world I know nothing about. I'm impressed that these women are so perceptive and observant about their roles as grandmothers. I have no kids myself but found this article so relevant anyway - it speaks to resilience, evolving and being receptive to the gifts age can bring. I appreciate that Paula Span is so inclusive, I never feel like an outsider reading her pieces even though I'm not in the granny club. Her light touch and insightful observations are always a win.
4
I was an AnnaQuindlen devotee and also loved her novels. Black and Blue was close to my experience. I’m so glad to see that we all share the grandmothering role. I too feel with my two granddaughters I can be me and not worry about how they are measuring up. My love is unconditional and nor importantly unrelated to how their behavior might reflect on me or my expectations. I love being in the moment with them which is hard to do as a parent. Thanks so much for meeting with Anna and letting us know her again. I always look forward to your columns Paula! What’s next?
3
It’s great to see that I can still relate to Anna Quindlen’s views decades later. I am so much more relaxed with my grandchildren and although some of that comes with experience, I think it also comes with the wisdom and perspective that age affords us. And thank you, Paula, for a wonderful interview and a delightful, relatable column!
3
Grandma of one here. I had just turned 19 when my daughter was born so I truly knew nothing!
So many have said that they thought it would be easier as a grandparent because the "knew" what to do having done it all before. However, not only is it a different set of skills to be a grandparent (knowing when to speak and when not to, knowing whose job it is to correct the child - hint: not yours!, among other new skills...) but what I learned as a parent has now so often been replaced by the new and improved "truths" of our children's generation.
1
Anna Quindlen reminded me its best to give advice when it is requested. My grandkids are an airplane flight away and I want to remember to tread softly when I visit. Thanks Anna!
5
Thank you to two seasoned grandma's for putting into words some of the myriad feelings I've had since my first grandchild was born six months ago. Much to my chagrin I now realize how much unsolicited advice I foisted on the new parents, not taking the time to notice how calm, prepared and capable they are. The "profound sense of connection without ego involvement" strikes the loudest chord. Nothing prepared me for the visceral reaction to holding that baby when she arrived and the irresistible urge to visit her whenever I can, in spite of the 300 miles between us. The "continuation of the line" is indeed powerful.
I am waiting for my copy of Nanaville to be delivered and look forward to reading more about another grandma's experiences.
3
Thanks Paula for another great column. In our youth-oriented culture, it's a delight to read your thoughtful articles about this important chapter of life.
5
Anna and Paula. The ultimate twofer.
5
Grandchildren are a great pleasure. Being a divorced dad was not so different as I'd get together with the kids a couple of times weekly but this is easier as the parents are the primary decision makers. It's harder physically because at 68 chasing little kids on slides and going up and down hills is tougher. Talking about close to immortality it's said we live on in the deeds of all we influence. Not just our children, but a couple of years ago here in Jerusalem a sage Rabbi Eliashav passed away at 102.He himself was an only child, and at the time of his passing he had over 1000 direct descendents. Pretty amazing. At 101 he was informed that he had a great great great grandson. He said he can be a witness at his wedding as that's a distant enough relative yo qualify. Alas, he only lived another year.
5
I was Granny until about the fiftieth time my tall bearded SIL entered the house booming, “Hi, Granny!” I renamed myself Grandee and the babes made it Dee.
Best time of my life.
6
Another wonderful column by Paula Span. She is a treasure!
6
Your column is making me look forward to being a bubbe or nana, for the first time! It's interesting what a range of ages there are for grandparents. My daughter's cousin became a grandmother in her late 30's, roughly the age when I became a mother, and that child's great-grandmother has a shot at becoming a great-great-grandmother. My daughter did not get to know her parental grandparents. At 22 I think she is still too young to have children but at the same time, I'm in your age group and it feels like a good age to be a grandmother.
4
I never had children but I dote on my niece and nephews in a similar way, and I found this conversation absolutely charming--and realistic, too. I loved the nod to those who didn't enjoy motherhood enough to look forward to grandchildren.
7
Journalists writing about themselves is truly self-indulgent.
1
@Kate Baptista oh wow, I so disagree! I find this beautifully authentic and charming.
23
@Kate Baptista - Oh God, give it a rest. This is a lovely article about two grandmothers. Don't be a killjoy!
5
I am childless by choice, but the man I was married to for almost half a century until his death had children from his first marriage. Then came grandchildren. Those grandchildren have been a loving blessing for me in ways I hardly know how to phrase. In turn, I seem to be some interesting adult in their lives who isn't a parent, isn't living the life they're used to from the grandparents of their friends, and so I'm--well, odd and interesting to them. I let myself be "interesting," and they give me affection and insight into a generation I'd otherwise have no access to. Absolutely win/win.
38
This article hurts me as my (only) daughter and her husband have chosen not to have children. When I realized I would never get to be a Grandma I grieved. I am still sad, but I know it was never my choice so I have learned to live with it. But there is a hole in my heart.
14
@MMc I have 2 daughters who have no children. I fill that hole with my love for them. They let me into the world of their generation which I watch from the sidelines.
8
@MMc
I don't know how old your daughter is and her and her husbands decision may be final but there are lots and lots of people out there who said no and did it anyway. Here in Toronto back in, I think the eighties, there was an organization of people who made it their business to announce in public that they would never have children. My husband knew their leader who was always on TV spouting off about this and we both had a laugh when this man's children were born.
1
I was absolutely thrilled to read this discussion between two of my favorite columnists/authors. Though the bubbe ship has sailed for me, I can still enjoy virtual bubbe-ing through friends' tales and photos. Plus there's so much here that I can relate to as a mom. Keep it coming!
9
We had two boys so we were thrilled to get a granddaughter (I'm Mama--so is my daughter-in-law; the baby will figure out a name to differentiate us). I loved being a mother; I hated having them leave so all this resonates with me. The great joy is seeing what a absolutely fantastic father our older son it; his wife is equally fabulous. What a lucky lady our baby is! They dote on her and she gets wonderful positive experiences every day. I realize how lucky any baby is to have such parents and wish I could share these parents with those less fortunate.
5
But the other thing I find so powerful, that I didn’t realize until he was born, is that I’d have this profound sense of connection that I had with my own children — but without that ego involvement.written...and now, AGAIN, you’ve written something just for ME at the right time. Thank you, dear friend. Oh, and btw, my daughter LOVED being served her pancakes by you at Barnard. But then she’d have to call me with EVERY DETAIL🤭 🥰🥰
11
I just love being a grandmother. Mostly, for me, it is so different from my life as a single parent, divorced, with one daughter. I loved her and loved being her mother....but, I had to do it all by myself and it was hard. i did not have much time to actually enjoy it. I am so grateful that I got this second chance.
11
I think one reason the grandparenting is so enjoyable is that we have learned that many decisions we anguished about with our own children, we can now see from hindsight were not critical at all. So the anxiety level is enormously lower with the grandchildren, and we are left with the closeness and the love.
26
@MN
I agree. I love my grandchildren "to the sky" but I also love being to say to myself "not my problem". It's not that a don't worry about them when there is an issue but it's not remotely the way it was when my own kids were small.
3
Nice article and so right on for this grandfather. And, mirabile dictu, not a single demented reference to Trump. So refreshing.
12
@Bob except for yours, lol.
13
Life in my 60s (I'm turning 62 in a couple of months) is still about working -- and a very satisfying career in healthcare marketing/communications at that! No children or grandchildren for me, but a wonderful husband I adore who (more often than not) lets me have my head. And I do enjoy our nieces and nephews, as well as a growing group of great nieces and nephews, when the holidays come around. They are satisfyingly intelligent and thoughtful people and it is quite the thrill when they call me "Aunt Margaret". Can't wait to see what each of them makes of this world.
11
Thank you for the lovely grandmothering conversation (Granny here), and for touching on one of the greatest parts: watching our children be parents. My son never ceases to amaze me with his actions as a father, and along with my adorable 3-year old granddaughter is one of the greatest joys in my life. Looking forward to reading Anna's book!
18
I'm an old guy who chose to never had kids - and I'm perfectly happy in retirement.
I volunteer in childcare and have enjoyed doing so for about the last four years.
The other day talking to my favourite manager there he told me he'd just had a vasectomy - I thought he was batting for the other team so was somewhat confused as to why. He went on to tell me that working in childcare he was happy to leave them at work and go home to enjoy peace and quiet.
I feel I get the transcendent pleasures of grand-parenting - without the stress - I just sit down somewhere and tiny kids will come and talk to me or ask me to play with them, and pretty soon my main problem is stopping them climbing all over me for a hug (not supposed to, etc.)
Now I've been going there maybe once a week for years I'm like part of the furniture - I just walk in and kids start coming up to me and asking me for whatever they want - screaming kids for 3-8 hours depending on the day, and I come home 'tired but happy' every time.
So I reckon I get a double-benefit – the feel-good returns of volunteering and helping others – with the bliss of a vicarious grandparent !
41
@Frank
Loving the cross-generational gentleman Frank is involved in. Just what this nation needs. Fulfills so many needs all at once!
10
Lovely tender exchange..."what the world needs now/is love, sweet love..."
10
I think about all the endless worrying I did, how I believed every mistake with my kids would scar them forever...and then look at the marvelous adults they've become, and am thrilled to think that their little people will continue this crazy experiment we call humanity. Clearly I cannot wait to become a grandmother. The good news is they both wish to become mothers eventually. How lucky I am and I'm not even there yet!!
19
Love it!! Love the style...deep and insightful and humorous and surprisingly easy to read. When Paula's columns end, I always leave wanting MORE! Speaking of weaning as a bad idea...!!!!
Quindlen says, "My least favorite part of being a mother was having them leave. Weaning was definitely bad." This reminds me of a profound line from Anna Freud to a patient/student: "Mothers were made to be left." So true, so bittersweet. A bit like grief, monumentally transformative.
34
My 16th grandchild is due this July. My grands call me "Big Momma" and I see my role as loving them, having fun and sharing wisdom earned through living, without any expectation that it is embraced. After raising my five children, I know not to sweat "the little stuff," and that life is 99% "little stuff." I want to be a positive source for each of them.
35
5 grandchildren in 3 years. Thrilling, exhausting, messy, hilarious and on and on. Having the pleasure of watching my adult children parent, and witnessing these wonderful little humans grow and evolve and stretch and challenge is the greatest pleasure of my life, and the best medicine for whatever aches and pains, and dismal world events greet me daily. Joyous. Best time of my life. Who knew? You can call me GiGi. They do. Best job ever.
37
It is very nice to learn of young families. Many young adults today have serious environmental concerns and rule out the parenting option.
5
This column and grandparenting itself are both as much fun as I expected. My grandson never fails to amaze me with his insights but boy am I glad I don’t have to do the heavy lifting this time around.
27
Wow so true.
Sounds like a redemptive quality for grandparents.
I am not one and I say well “ one less generation to worry about. “
So I guess I have a lot to learn about backing off.
You both have got that spot on so yu enjoy the journey with a tiny bit o immortality holding your hand. Looking up at you like you have the answers to everything.
Sweet.
7
Great articles about being grandparent.
I have two daughters and raising them to become who they are now was so much fun.
I am looking forward to be a grandfather whenever time comes!
12
We just had our fourth and last granddaughter and all I can say is, what a delight to watch them grow from newborns (we've been lucky enough to live close to our grandchildren through the first several years. To think that they are each one quarter grandma and one quarter grandpa. There is something very spiritual about that.
At 70, we have come to embrace the notion of impermanence (we are poetic naturalists) but if you are fortunate to have children and then grandchildren, you sense deeply the continuity that life offers if you are able to appreciate the gift of grandchildren
38
Fun read! I just turned 50 and I can't wait to be a grandmother! (Not that I tell my young adult children that, but they probably know in some way or another that I am ready whenever they are!)
13