"Best price in [wherever]" means lowest price not necessarily even a good price.
Two more real estate phrases, from the San Francisco Bay Area:
"Great for commuters" means within a block of a freeway ramp (and likely noisy and smelly).
"Adjoining bedrooms" means you have to go through one to get to the other. A house I saw a few days ago had one regular (small) bedroom in front and one behind that would accommodate a twin bed and thin dresser. This is a two-bedroom house? I won't shock you with the asking price....
2
This describes it so well! Years ago, I wrote a funny story about someone from an 18th century Paris arriving to present day NYC through time travel
Here is an excerpt:
Wow, the artists and writers have really become advanced thought G. as he looked at the first apartment, comparing it with the pictures and description in the ad. Turned out that "Windows looking onto courtyard" did not mean a quiet Parisian yard with blooming flowers and songbirds, but an empty gray hole with meowing stray cats and pervasive smell of urine. "Next to transportation" meant subway noise day and night. "Eat-in kitchen" meant the kitchen was really the only place where you could sit down because all other rooms were so small. "New appliances, freshly painted, new floors" meant that a 100 year old oven finally blew up, trashing walls and ceiling, and the old fridge leaked and flooded the apartment, so obviously, everything had to be redone.
1
After dealing with suburban brokers, as well as those in NYC, I would like to add a corollary to the axiom "how can you tell when a lawyer is lying? The lawyer's lips are moving" with "how can you tell when a RE broker is lying? The broker is breathing."
BTW, I'm a lawyer...
3
Since moving to Florida, my lingo has changed. Near the water could be 5 miles away. Breezy might mean no central A/C. Walk to the beach means that if you've done Pilates for 10 years, a 3 mile walk is a piece of cake. You get the drift, right? Or is that a drifting/receding oceanfront?
7
The agent said the listing wouldn't last. So I bought the place. It didn't last.
2
Instead of “yard,” say “the grounds” when referring to an average suburban lot.
New to New York, I naively looked for an apartment in Queens, where I had to live. My first encounter was with Le Frak "villages" --is that what it's called--right on the Long Island Expressway. I looked at an apartment on the main floor, within a few feet of the expressway. The roar of traffic was deafening. The agent came in. I asked if he had any quieter apartments on a higher floor. He said with a straight face that this one on the main floor was actually very quiet. "Don't you know, sound travels up." So much for this physics genius. We passed.
I looked next at an apartment in Flushing. The Long Island Rail Road ran right in back of the apartment. I asked the agent how often the train came by. "Only once or twice a day," he lied. My mistake was believing him. I took the apartment. I was miserable for years.
5
Amusing story, but also true of the Midwest. Always assume you are reading marketing hype. My tip is to check out a potential buy or rental during the day and also at night. Sometimes a “quiet street” is not really quiet at a certain time and by driving by in the evening, you can see how many cars are parked on the street, if that sort of thing would bother you.
7
A foreign proverb sums up the dilemmas of real estate agents perfectly, or any other industry with middlemen or middlewomen:
"If a horse is friends with grass, what's he/she going to eat."
5
This is a good article. You get used to reading through all the lies to come to a realization of what the place is. We were looking for a place in the midwest, and reading the listings closely and looking for words that could indicate a potential trap (sump pump, updated, x view, etc.) is useful. Also, a must is looking at the place on Google Earth. What you can see from the air is invaluable, and gives you a better picture of the neighborhood than simply driving by.
Also, try to get county topo maps of the area. You may be buying in a flood plain.
15
I once looked at a rental apartment on the Upper East Side in which the living room photo showed an open view over brownstones. When I arrived, the big living room window actually looked straight into another tall building across the street. The building had been photoshopped out and an open view substituted. Now that was chutzpah!
14
Stop using the phrase "gut renovated". It sounds painful and gross. It's an alarming statement.
And it means that if there ever was any charm or authenticity to the place, it has been yanked out and replaced with bland Home Depot looking crap.
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@Will: But that's the point: "gut renovated" - as in "painful" - is one of the most accurate descriptors out there. It's accurate from the POV of the people who lived through the renovation!
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Bring your architect? No. Bring the photos. And, if photos are cropped oddly or in some cases missing - next!
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An excellent article and warning. One should never trust the descriptions full of adjectives, but go for the facts and essence.
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I guess Ms. Kaysen has never looked at a house or apartment in anything other than a large city. Is there any language that pertains to small town or rural properties?
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All we have to remember is that the listing agent represents the seller.
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@R. Anderson Not always. Why coddling to a seller moving to Florida or Oshkosh, when the buyer is moving to your territory?
@Pressburger The Listing Realtor is hired by and represents the Seller (unless Dual Agency and that's a whole other headache). Bottom line, I try to never tell a Realtor anything I would not want made public.
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@Pressburger: Coddling?? In NYC, a listing agent almost always is LEGALLY representing the seller. (Who else would they be representing if they're trying to SELL an apartment??)
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Alcove 1BR = Studio
Sponsor unit = Add 2% transaction costs
SRO = don't, just don't.
29th floor = might only be the 9th; numbering starts at 20. (classic Trump trick)
These all pale in comparison to lies about square footage, which has no legal definition. In Paris, every ad must state the exact "Loi Carrez" size, which is calculated excluding any space where a person can't stand. If the size is overstated, the buyer can reduce the purchase price or void the sale. NY needs either a Loi Carrez or a rule that the stated size shall not exceed that which is stated in the tax assessment.
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@Patient: If you're out there looking, always BRING A MEASURING TAPE (or a laser app) and use it! And take copious notes about the rooms.
Calculate the square footage yourself; it's the only way to be sure of what you're really getting & what you're really going to pay per square foot.
4
One common trick in real estate listings is to stretch the photographs horizontally, making everything from bathroom sinks (your tiny vanity becomes vast and two-person-wide) to whole rooms look bigger. I know - it's what a broker did when I sold my last place, and I marveled at the illusions. For a tell in the photos, look at doors. Standard width is 32-36 inches--if doors appear to be horizontally supersized, like castle doors, then the photo was stretched.
17
If you see oval pieces of furniture, e.g., tables, vases, especially slightly weird ovals, the photographer used a very wide angle lens to s-t-r-e-t-c-h the size of the apartment.
Also, the standard 6’ x 8’ foot apartment bathroom is hard to photograph.
8
My favorite is “won’t last” which means the property is expected to sell or rent quickly.
6
A fun read!
Here in ranch country some notable descriptions; "heritage barn" means roof about to collapse in...... "seasonal creek runs through property" might mean the creek hasn't had water in it for at least a decade. "bring your horses" could mean be prepared to buy lots of hay because the land is is so overgrazed that there isn`t a blade of grass left.
I scan the real estate listings regularly just to get a chuckle.
15
Friends had a tree fell on their house, significantly damaging the roof, sidewall, and porch The real estate listing failed to mention the damage at all.
5
@ms Sellers, in every State I've lived in, are required to complete a Seller's Disclosure form. If they omitted information and there issues down the road from this, they could have a problem. The Realtor is covered by Errors and missions Insurance.
1
@justme oops! Errors and Omissions
You forgot "one of a kind"!
And it's not a compliment.
10
I’m amused when they make up a name for a neighborhood to suggest that it’s linked to a better neighborhood sometimes adding adjectives like “lower” or “eastern” to the tonier name.
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@Rick
Yes, and sometimes the supposedly elegant extra ''e'':
West Trafalgar Pointe
Estates of Upper Hamwich Parke
5
I looked at a place that had a "partial" view of Long Island Sound. The agenda had to stand on her toes and lean forward to see a sliver of the water. I started to giggle and, after a moment, so did she at the absurdity of it.
Seriously, they need to stop lying. All they are doing is wasting people's, and their own, time.
14
As a real estate broker and investment consultant, I find the listing photos and descriptions of "selling agents" to be more along the line of "liar, liar, pants on fire." I spend more time on due diligence than ever before. HGTV, while entertaining, is not reality. It has done more harm to the industry than any other single source. Let the buyer beware...
7
My favourite 'broker babble' is this one for waterfront property:
a 'scramble-down' bank
Meaning if you actually want to get to the water, you will probably break your neck.
14
@Patrick MacDonald Rising sea levels may lead to "scramble-up" banks. That $2 million condo you just bought in Miami? Don't take the elevator below the water line!
I have never understood how brokers get away with, let’s call it what it is, lies. Renting or buying these phony listings scam the vulnerable and waste people’s times. I have been in a listing called a two bedroom that had no living room. Or many windowless, closetless bedrooms. The worst thing you have to do as a new New Yorker is look for a place to live. It is an abysmal experience. The real estate industry in NY is filled with scams at every level and should not be tolerated. Truth in advertising should be more than a suggestion.
11
The word that serves as a flag for all kinds of RE hyperbole in Southern California is “nestled”. Nestled on the hillside, nestled in the canyon, nestled on a charming block.
11
@Peter Orth - probably translates in to 'surrounded by highly-flammable overgrown scrub-brush'
3
Yes, and/or 3’ from the neighbor’s bedroom
This is a charming article that is another way of saying that the art of property listings is realtors figuring out how much they can deceive you without committing fraud. Indeed, the article is like real estate listings themselves - it is basically telling us that realtors are trying to deceive buyers, without actually saying that realtors are trying to deceive buyers.
Just assume that everything the realtor says (but won't put in writing) is a lie. Occasionally you will be surprised on the upside.
14
I've often wondered what the heck "triple mint" means.
4
@Joan P: It means (supposedly) that the place is pluperfect ... to someone, somewhere. Your mileage may vary.
5
@Joan P
My guess is, it means extra-good, super-duper ''mint condition'' -- a term which is already vague enough!
But it does also remind me of chewing gum ...
4
@L -
"Pluperfect"? That's a verb tense.
2
"Gleaming hardwood floors."
9
I watched a pro RE photographer in South Florida turn an okay property into something quite gorgeous for the listing details. An amazing transformation.
10
Among the most annoying real estate listing tactics is the omission of a price.
Many brokers and agents think that if they force prospective buyers to call them for a price that their selling skills will entice shoppers into a showing, even if they can't afford it, when, in fact, it reduces the number of inquiries because many assume that with no price listing it must be very expensive, and others simply don't want to engage with an agent this early in the process.
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@Gofry: Nobody has ever accused brokers & agents of being smart in that respect.
2
@L
It's a baffling practice. I think it's an old school thing passed down from brokers, like insisting on including a head shot of the agent in the listing.
1
This is so true, and hilarious. I’m a Zillow addict, particularly for downtown Seattle Condos. It’s the very best way to endure Kansas, without excessive Wine. I’ve cracked the code, and figured out the Photo tricks. Very well written, thank you.
29
@Phyliss Dalmatian: I *love* your comment!
One of the worst things about "real estate shopping" is how deceptive the photographs are in the Listing. Having been "on the trail" now for three weeks of the new 2019 Spring/Summer Real Estate Selling Season, I am already distressed, disappointed, depressed and frustrated by studying a Listing on the computer, taking the time and gasoline to drive it and then finding out that "trick," or perspective, photography has rendered the property to be nothing like what was shown on the computer.
I drove to one Open House yesterday afternoon and continued to drive right on by when I saw the actual neighbourhood and the actual property.
The Real Estate or Realty Profession needs to be taught a thorough and strong lesson in truth in advertising. Right now the Profession is engaging in smoke, mirrors and P.T. Barnumism. "This way to the Egress."
20
@Reggie That drives me crazy too. I sold my place back in the day when it was more about staging - and sure, the photog took great pics, but they were realistic in terms of space.
These days? My mom was recently house hunting in CA, and was excited about some places that looked really big. I told her ech, let's wait until we see them. Sure enough, she was amazed at how small they were. "But they looked so big!"
Flattering pics are one thing, but as you note, realism is critical. I also hate the weird filtering they all do now with the photos - almost sepia tones? It's bizarre.
8
@Reggie, "Right now the Profession is engaging in smoke, mirrors and P.T. Barnumism". What do you mean "right now"? Isn't that the basis of the 'profession' and what they have always done?
5
"Bring you contractor/architect" means the inside is bad, the outside is bad, it has been raining in the house for years (I suppose skylights is the correct word). But the owner/hoarder is out. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned since the mid 80's. And while there is a spiral staircase to the lower floor, you could just choose to drop through the holes in the kitchen floor instead. This "charming barrel front home has vintage features" but no electricity, no furnace, no water and needs foundation work. It is now pending at an obscene price! Glad they had an open house. It was an experience.
30
This isn't NYC, but also the Hudson River: "Seasonal view of river." That means between November in March, when you walk out in the side yard and peer through the trees, you'll get a sliver of a view of the river.
33
In better neighborhoods, one does not have a "price reduction," but rather a "price improvement." Any outdoor space around a building can be called a "yard," but if it has greenery, it suddenly becomes a "garden." It seems no one has a coal burning fireplace, only wood.
Floorplans can "lie." Often there is but one set for all the floors of a building. In my six story building with load bearing walls, the lower floors have thicker walls. The space is taken out of the apartments as the hallways have a uniform width. Thus the apartments on the upper three floors are slightly larger. This might amount to all of a foot in one direction.
18
If a listing skips photos of the bath/kitchen, then it hasn't been updated since the Eisenhower administration.
Run!
38
@ArgentBelle: Not so fast! Some of us love those old bathrooms - the large ones with with a deep-enough & long-enough bathtub. And we love porcelain kitchen sinks; stainless steel is so sterile.
3
@L
Agreed - but there's a vast difference between a perfectly maintained black & pink tile bathroom with a "Cinderella" tub and well ... what "vintage" *usually* looks like!
1
'Great opportunity' - tear down in good location
23
My favorite for land is a "pond site" = swamp
27
One of my all-time favorites --
"Old World Charm" --
Sometimes enhanced with "Pre-War" --
This used to be the go-to description for those apartments on the Upper-West Side - like the ones with eleven coats of paint on the bathroom and kitchen window sills - which many people accept as being part of the "Pre-War Charm" - but which my friend - who works in elegant suburban homes - finds horrendously unacceptable --
When real estate agents discovered Washington Heights - (and re-named part of it "Hudson Heights") - "Old World" and "Pre-War" charm became one of their most-used descriptive terms --
I'm waiting for "New World Charm" -- but not holding my breath...
13
@Howard G
Pre-war (Pre-World War II) buildings have plaster walls, rather than plaster board, and are therefore much quieter.
They often have more graceful layouts and features such as moldings or arched doorways.
Most post-War apartments are very similar and charmless. And noisier.
59
@Howard G the two biggest cooperatives by far in Hudson Heights, consisting of multiple buildings with Old World Charm, are Castle Village and Hudson View Gardens. I don't think any lower Manhattan coop has more Old World Charm than those two.
9
I read this sitting in my 1902 plaster-walled living room, listening to the downstairs neighbor’s TV. Sounds like he’s watching a BBC murder mystery. I hear it every night.
My pre-war has its charms, but soundproofing ain’t one of ‘em.
9
One of my favorite time wasters is browsing Streeteasy. ’Sunsplashed” is a frequent adjective. I think it means a ray of sunshine at 7am sometime around the summer solstice. Beware the listing that only shows the buildings amenities and no shots of the actual apartment. Practically all the shots are on the diagonal to increase the appearance of size. From seeing plenty of floor plans, I believe there are only 5 different apartment layouts in the entire city. The difference between “current layout” and “original layout” can be amazing, mostly not in a good way. Most seem to have north facing living room windows. How is that even possible when 1/2 of NYC buildings face south? Maybe if your lucky enough to have south facing windows in NYC, you don’t move. Having groused about all that, when I win the lottery, I’m coming back to NYC.
43
@omedb261 Thanks for the laughs. I once rented a "sun splashed" apartment. It was exactly as you described. Good luck moving back to the city.
22
As a broker for 37 years I know all about the supposed appeal of south-facing windows, but there can also be a downside. Depending on what floor the apartment is on and the type of windows it has, the sun streaming in can be pleasant or not.
Blasting sunlight will fade the lovely fabric on your sofa, chairs and drapes and can make your vision uncomfortable. If too intense then blinds need to be drawn and there goes your view.
Food for thought, as they say.
13
@Maria
So true. If you want to leave your drapes closed for six months, buy a South-facing unit.
8
Also keep in mind that brokers lie about the number of legal bedrooms. A bedroom must have four walls, a window, a door, and be at least 80 square feet. That loft with no walls, open to the rest of the apartment? Not a legal bedroom though it could easily be a sleeping alcove. That large windowless room? That's a walk-in closet or home office, not a bedroom. The examples are endless. Renters may not care as much but buyers should pay close attention to the number of legal bedrooms in an apartment.
27
@eric I never understood the windowless home office.
I spend much of my working day in my home office, and looking out the window and getting sunshine are important. On the other hand, I don't look out the window when sleeping. So if I were to have a windowless or dark room, I would make it my bedroom, not my home office.
30
Joseph: my father taught us when we were young to always have the window open a little to get fresh air while we slept. Granted the air isn’t that fresh but it is nice to be able to do that, particularly in overheated apartment buildings.
11
@eric Some jurisdictions also require a closet, the legal definition of which, of course, varies.
The arc of consumer protection zigs and zags.
9
The lack of photos of a bathroom or other details is way too often indicative of a bad broker/photographer. You would think with all the competition that real estate would weed out lazy agents but there are plenty of them still out there. Bottom line: in my experience (at least at the bottom of the Manhattan market) if an apartment is in your price range and generally meets your specs, go see it. You never know.
24
@BD Actually, no. A FABULOUS broker I know who sells multimillion dollar apartments all over the UES and UWS never takes photos of bathrooms because in NYC, they're just too small to do them justice.
12
@BD Rule for photographers for Sotheby's listings in Canada: no shots of the loo... at all. Difficult to get a bathroom shot without the loo.
4
@BD I'm with @BA. I had a fab broker who got the highest price ever in my old building when I sold my condo, and she never used bathroom photos. "It's a picture of a toilet," she said matter-of-factly. That bathroom was small but the walls were marble tile from floor to ceiling, and it had a huge mirror and great lighting, so a photo wouldn't have looked bad. In the end, it truly didn't matter.
7