Melissa,
Your story bought tears to my eyes. It seems impossible that your husband survived being deployed and yet lost his life doing something he enjoyed. The compassion of those giving such devastating news to those losing loved ones whether in war, sickness or an accident is truly a gift from God. My sister and her husband received such news when their son was killed in Iraq in 2004 and your story brought back that terrible time, but he lives on in our memories and in them I see him smiling.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
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Dear Melissa
I served with your husband. He was my Company Commander in Iraq during OIF 07-09. He was a great man and Soldier. I served as one of his Tank Platoon Sergeants while attached to A Co 1-66 AR. I’m so sorry for your loss and my condolences to you and your family. I’m proud to have served with them CPT Thomas.
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Melissa,
Words cannot describe how proud I am to know you and have a connection beyond our alma mater. I admire your strength and the choices you are making. You will be a phenomenal doctor, and I know God has great things in store for you. I wish you much joy in the discovery.
Love, Kim
15
“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart I'll stay there forever.”
A. A. Milne
Helped me so much when my husband died in an accident. He is always with me.
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Thank you Melissa for sharing such a emotional and life affirming story. I wish you well.
21
Tough to read, godspeed.
16
God bless you.
9
Thank you for sharing a story that needed to be told. And all good wishes and good thoughts to you and your family.
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What a loving and lovely tribute. It inspires me to think of some of the fine people I have met who are in military medicine in uniform and in civilian dress as well as those I never met including the medical team who delivered my wife in an Air Force hospital so many years ago.
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Ms. Thomas,
Don't ever forget that the best part of your husband, Chris, lives on within you. You will pass a bit of him on to each person you deal with every day...
Including your children, if that comes to pass.
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Thank you for your service, which you are continuing with your medical studies.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. By writing publicly to share your feelings and your mission, you are multiplying the impact of your own knowledge about compassion with the support of the Tillman family - creating light in the darkness to come for the loved ones of many. Brilliant and sorely needed.
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Thank you, after all you have been through, for being willing to dedicate your time and energy to med school. We need you. Godspeed.
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My wife is an ER Chaplain.
She tells me the most important thing she does is just be there when people are in emotional pain. Just be there and don't turn away.
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I am glad that six months after this terrible personal loss, you had the strength to pursue your passion to become a physician.
Clearly you will always have exceptional empathy for people going through the surreal and painful moments that bring them to the emergency room.
Your husband scaled alpine slopes. You also are scaling mountains.
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That’s a powerful story.
If I needed treatment, I would like it to come imbued with this sort of experience.
But, make sure you get the drug names and fluid boluses right, it is important.
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I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Chris. May the love you shared be a comfort to you.
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Thank you for sharing. Chris and you have made and will continue to make the world a better place.
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Ms. Thomas, thank you so much for sharing your experience and your insights. Wishing you the best.
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I’m sorry for your loss.
Just last week my mother texted an urgent message: ‘call me, it’s urgent’.
I assumed it was another one of my mother’s texts, sent in desperation when her computer would not cooperate. That she needed help with a technical issue.
Indeed when I called she first asked for help on a web site project that she manages.
But then her tone changed and words that even now seem unreal traveled across half the globe over land, under water to my ears.
It was my cousin. He had died. Ended his life. The exact words that followed are mostly forgotten now.
But the enduring memory of the conversation was that the information my mother relayed over the phone did not compute.
At first I did not grasp who she was talking about as if my cousins name was a stranger to me. Later my brain still would not accept the fact that he had died, and not by his own hands.
The pain was so raw so ever present in those first days, and images of my cousin and his parents kept floating in and out a window in my mind.
It’s been just over a week now and it’s hard to see how the future might be shaped or changed by the loss of my cousin. Only time will tell.
Thank you to the writer for sharing her story and putting words to the events of her life and the emotions that she experienced that fateful new years when she was told her husband had died.
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I am sorry to read about this fresh and deep grief .
May happier memories of your cousin return.
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I am a retired pediatric anesthesiologist. Your story really resonated with me. It is so true that we may not remember exactly what people say to us, but we do remember their kindness and compassion. I am glad that you will be that new generation of physicians that emphasize compassion. Thanks for your beautiful essay.
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Thank you for such a transparent, courageous and painful reflection to benefit others. That in and of itself is a reflection of your values and strength. This country needs more citizens like you. As a widower who was the recipient of a death notification, though not immediate like you but given 7 days, I understand the shock, confusion, pain and need for recovery. You should be so proud of yourself- I don’t even know you and I proud of you- and again you continue to help others - I personally thank you for that.
Matt
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Such a sad and beautiful essay about so many things: love, war, loss, and finding some way forward from heartbreak. What a gift to us the readers.
Wishing you much success, peace, love and all happiness as you complete your medical training. Your patients will be fortunate to be in your care. Please keep writing for the rest of us, if you can.
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Thank you for being so true to the experience of grief, the loss of your everyday world in an instant. and the meaningfulness of every small act of kindness. I too lost my husband to a sudden unexpected event. Some friends and colleagues hid from the pain of my pain. I found out later many were fearful of saying the wrong thing, or having the wrong words. But what mattered so much was having someone sitting by you when the horror of the moment was so intense your brain could not even compute it. Thank you to those wonderful people with compassion and the courage to be there. Thank you to my husband's friends who came to tell me and to my dearest friend who came to sit by me. It meant the world and I thank this author for reminding me of my obligations to others.
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Ms. Thomas, Thank you for sharing this very moving story of personal loss--and for passing on the wisdom you've taken from the experience. Best wishes to you as you pursue your medical training.
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Melissa,
That out of such tragedy you have found a way to honor your late husband and continue living your life to the fullest is amazing and commendable. You are certain to be a wonderful doctor. I hope you also find someone as special as you to share your future.
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This story is very touching from love, marriage, war time companionship, retirement life, waiting and tragic loss. It taught me life is interesting but also unpredictable. Although Melissa didn't say or explain why Chris walked away from pension within reach, she probably knew as a medical person worked in the battle field that the war will put a heavy burden on people's mental health. This is one thing that we should never underestimate the war experience and influence of people's mind and behavior.
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Dear Doc Melissa,
Your story essay is so touching... What is so moving is your balance of service to others, awareness of your own loss, a stunning realism, all matched with deep compassion for other people. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It is such a good thing that you are on the pathway to serving as a physician. You will truly be a blessing to all those whose lives you touch.
Grace and peace to you on your journey.
Art Mills
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I can only say thank you for this wonderful, thoughtful essay. And I can only say, that I am so sorry for the loss of someone that was so important and loved by you.
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Your eloquent essay shows that you have the first prerequisite to be an outstanding physician- you have compassion.There will be a thousand facts to absorb from textbooks but they are not what will make you stand out from your peers.You have experienced challenge and tragedy and come out wiser and stronger.There have been so many advances made in treating life threatening emergencies, often pioneered by the Army medics, that there may be many fewer tragedies that you will have to face as an ER physician.Here's hoping that many, many times you will have good news to convey to your patients and their families.
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Melissa (soon to be Dr. Thomas!),
I'm a fellow medical student - a 4th year hoping to match into Internal Medicine and, from there, Palliative Care. Being involved in these types of conversations as a student has fundamentally altered my career path; as I witnessed the good ones, the bad ones, and the ones that were so fundamentally sad that it was impossible to know to which camp they belonged, I came to understand exactly what it is you're saying here. Compassion is what people remember.
I'm sorry for the pain you've endured, but like so many commenters here, feel a genuine gratitude for the perspective you are bringing to medicine and med-ed. Maybe we'll be colleagues some day! I can't help but hope so.
Wishing you the best of luck in school, residency, beyond.
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Such a lovely, sad story and a reminder of how important it is that each of us help one another with simple acts of kindness. I’ve spent the last month with elderly relatives who were sick and dying and I’ve seen the best and worst in medical professionals. On the one hand - doctors completely lacking in empathy and focused on legalities, and a nursing home which didn’t administer pain medicine ordered by hospice care for over 6 hours in spite of the dying resident’s cries for help. On the other hand, nurses and doctors who couldn’t have been more sympathetic to both the patients and our family. Sometimes taking just an extra minute to speak with us or ask how we were doing made all the difference and helped us come to terms with the deaths that were to come.
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I will soon be retiring from 33 years of being a surgeon. Never, during my time in medical school or my residency, did I receive any training in how to deliver bad news to patients and families. I hope this glaring lack in medical education is being corrected.
It gladdens my heart that Ms Thomas has chosen a career in medicine. People like her will make our profession better.
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Dear Melissa, Thank you for sharing your story. It was impactful. I am glad to hear that you are in medical school and am sure you will use your own experience to better patients’ outcomes and serve as a role model, not just to fellow students but to attending physicians, as well. I am a non-invasive clinical cardiologist in Philadelphia and am often frustrated by the lack of empathy that our medical system promotes. What is important is not a fifteen minute face-to-face interaction with a heart failure patient to educate and understand recurrent admissions but how quickly they can be discharged from the hospital. Frequently, they are readmitted because the time that it takes to communicate and understand why they have trouble taking their medications, following their dietary restrictions, or weighing themselves is not valued. It gives me hope to know that there are students like you who know from personal experience the value of empathy. You can and will make a difference. You already have!
Sincerely,
Kimberly French, MD, FACC
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Life and death are all part of one long difficult journey. It is comforting to have people around who can help us navigate the twists and turns. I believe you will be one of the best. Thank you for your service in the past and in the future.
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Thank
You will definitely be an outstanding physician. It takes a lot of work but you will make it through and help many.
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Hi Melissa,
It must have taken a mountain of courageto write this article, but I hoped it had been cathartic at the same time. I'm sorry you had to go through such a lifechanging event, one could easily argue that you would do great without this heartache.
All the best for med school, for residency and all that are sure to come! I hope in the whirlwind of medicine andall of its politics and casualties, you would pause in the middle of a bad resus, a busy waiting room, the demanding patients and their families and take a breather and reflect on yourself and what brought you there.
Stay sane!
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Hello 1LT Thomas,
I don't know if you remember me or not but you were my platoon leader at one time and I was deployed with you in 2006. So sorry to hear about your husband's death. That's so beyond tragic that I can't even imagine what that's like. You were one of the most kindest persons I ever met in the Army and you deserve better. I hope you are doing well at Yale. Whoever gets you as their doctor will be very lucky to have you.
Many Condolences and much Respect to you
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@Rose Van Tine and Doc Thomas, thank you both for your service. Hope life has only peace, joy and comfort in store for you from now on.
5
They are here in ghostly assemblage. The men of the Corps long dead.
Go Army! Beat Navy!
5
Daddgummit!
I hate when news stories make my cry and type through tears.
Thank you Ma'am for everything — and your empathy most of all.
As an ER Doc you will be the bearer of bad news at times. Sometimes more often that you want and/or imagine.
My suggestion — cherish every moment when you get to give good news and the tears are those of joy, rather than sorrow.
For the times you must give the bad news, your compassion will be remembered as a strength and anchor for the family and friends of the deceased.
I do not know if I hope that you to move to an area like where I live to help the few(er) folks deal with the worst news they can hear from a Doc, or hope that you choose to work in a large urban area hospital where your empathy can help many more people.
Maybe the best suggestion I have os for you to work in a large urban area to help as many as possible until you need a break, then move to a more rural area where you can refresh for a few years before returning to a large population area.
Best wishes as you finish your formal medical training.
You will be a good Doc.
24
There are few duties as hard as Casualty Notification. I had to do it, once, as a junior Lieutenant in the Air Force. Even now, 30+ years later, it's a painful memory. Telling a woman, whose wedding I was an usher in a few weeks before, that her husband had died in a plane crash. Watching her collapse to the floor, a doctor, nurse, and priest rushing in to help.
I had to stop, before we drove away, to get sick. It hits you that hard, especially if you knew the people in question.
Even now, on Memorial Day, I raise a glass: Absent Comrades. . .
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Thank you for your service to some of our citizens who need extra special care during their most vulnerable moments.
8
In contrast to this experience, when a tornado struck a Boy Scout camp where my son was at, it was very compassionately handled by the Iowa State Highway Patrol. Though it was extremely frustrating that they made all the parents wait some 6+ hours, that was so that they could have a complete accounting of all the several hundred boys involved, and arrange for the parents of the four boys who were killed to be informed in as kind a manner as possible. We were all waiting in a huge gym in the town nearby. Finally, the highway patrol official in charge read a list with each boy's name and what nearby facility one should go to, some to hospitals, some to schools. The parents whose sons were killed were sent to hospitals where there were teams of chaplains, counselors, and social workers, and that is where they learned of their sons' deaths.
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@Kebas
classic LEO approach. No police officer dies on the scene. all are rushed to the ER is serious condition. The spouse is told that. And met at the hospital by the Chief, a chaplain and a senior wife where the news is given.
l
5
We love you, Mel!
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Dear Melissa,
Your article in the NYT clearly displays that you already have the essential quality of a healer - that being compassion. You will be an exceptional doctor. Godspeed.
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Be thou at peace.
17
Wow. Much admiration for you; how you wrote this letter and how you picked up your life after this devastating loss.
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What a touching, incredible essay. Thank you.
40
If I am ever an ER patient, I hope and pray to have a physician just like you.
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Melissa: This was a good story perfectly illustrating the changes that happen when one has encountered death and fear in an intimate manner such as Chris did. Sure he was damaged, but it appears from your writing that he was becoming the better for it by processing the experience. This would not have happened without having gone through it. I am sorry you (and the rest of us) have lost him, at least for this age.
I am a 24 yr Army Guard and Reserve vet, an armor officer, and now I work with veterans every day as a veteran's service representative. My work is to help vets access benefits. Melissa; You too are damaged by having been near death and fear. I am sure you are getting good advice and this has already come to mind I am sure, but VAMC is a great place to seek "Near a Death" support. As one who has also lost a spouse, I too can relate that as a survivor, there are and will be many changes before you get to a "new normal." Almost 30 years later I still am seeking this, but on the other hand, I wouldn't give up a minute of the journey because I am a better person for it.
I guess the single piece of advice I would offer is, don't do it alone. Not only will you be better for sharing, but those you share with may be made better as well. Take care of yourself and those around you. dd
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I have received hard news, both in person and over the phone, including news of the death of family members. I have two strong suggestions.
First, if you are notifying someone of an INJURY, tell them FIRST that the person is not dead. Next tell them whether it is a life-threatening injury or not. Then go into details.
Second, if you are notifying someone of a death, tell them right away. Don't stand around and make all kinds of introductory statements, or hem-and-haw, and make them guess why you are there. Nothing is going to make this news any easier. Be kind, but just say it.
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We love you, Mel. This was just a great read.
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Melissa - Thank you for your service and your sacrifice. Your article's focus on the need for basic humanity in dealing with these tragic situations is a beacon of hope in our current environment of constant disrespect and insult. I have no doubt you will be a fantastic doctor since you approach life and all its joys and grief the way you do. Your future patients do not yet know how lucky they will be to have found a doctor as caring and compassionate as you.
I hope you enjoy happier days ahead.
20
Precious lady,
Oh how my heart hurts for you, even now. Losing one's beloved spouse is something that we don't ever "get over," but day by day, we learn to walk forward.
You are such an inspiration and I am beyond thankful that you got to the place where you could move forward with an amazing profession....I say that because I am an Emergency Room RN and a licensed Paramedic and I am keenly aware of the need in America for excellent, patient-oriented ER physicians. I will think of you from now on, especially when I step into the ER or into the back of an ambulance.
My prayer is that the good Lord will keep you surrounded by all who love you and that some day soon, only the wonderful Memories of Chris will be in your heart and mind. You and Chris will now always be in my heart.
Love and many blessings,
Brenda
29
I would love to have Melissa as our family physician with her obviously wonderful qualities. As a Yalie, I am proud that she is attending Yale’s medical school. I will donned to the Pat Tillman Foundation in her honor.
28
A beautiful essay. Thank you.
15
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful and profoundly moving story.
As someone who has neither served in the military, nor been close to anyone who has, I am grateful to you for bringing me closer to understanding risks and sacrifices servicemen and women deal with every day, during and after deployment.
What you, and Chris, have done and are doing is a blessing to us all.
21
Melissa - I am so very sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like an amazingly grounded and compassionate person, traits that you two obviously shared.
You’ll make a terrific doctor. Bedside manner is of paramount importance, and I’m confident you’ll excel at it.
Hugs to you and your extended family.
25
Dear Melissa,
So sorry for the loss of your husband Chris.
Thank you for your service, thank you for sharing your story.
Beautiful photos of you and your husband.
I am sure you will be a very kind and compassionate physician.
25
Kindness doesn't cost a penny, but it is truly priceless. Sending you my very best wishes, and you will be an outstanding Physician.
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Phyllis,
What a beautiful comment.
I want to remember that phrase: Kindness doesn't cost a penny, but it is priceless.
12
Very sad, your husband sounded like a wonderful man, and you come across as an equally great woman. I wish you the very best. Anne
45
I am moved by this story--both the love story and the tragic loss. As a physician for over 51 years, Boarded in both Psychiatry and Neurosurgery, I greatly appreciate the pain and anguish of your loss but want to praise your courage in sharing the details. This is a topic not often discussed in our medical education or training, and it is so very important your experience be shared. As a veteran who served as a physician in SE Asia and Vietnam, I thank you for your service and know you will be an outstanding physician.
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Dear Melissa,
Having recently retired from the Army after almost 40 years, and having spent over thirty years as a board certified healthcare chaplain and medical ethicist and priest, you told your story as if we were sitting side by side in conversation. I cannot begin to fathom the sense of loss you have gone through, and the pain that you still feel daily. Will this make you a more compassionate physician? Absolutely. Your next to last paragraph sums up exactly what any of us would want to receive in such a time of loss- compassion- and I have seen that many times over, both in my civilian life as a priest/chaplain, and as an Army officer at Dover talking with grieving families before a Dignified Transfer. I concur completely that as well as a practicing physician, you would be an excellent teacher for future physicians. May peace be with you in all that you do, from this day forth, forevermore.
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Thank you for your thoughts and your service, and condolences for your loss. I have no doubt you would be a fine doctor without this tragedy, but yes, it WILL make you a step closer to many, in related circumstances. I hope you go on to teach and mentor as well as treat patients. Thanks again for reminding us that in medicine, as in all life, "small" kindnesses can be huge.
49
Melissa,
He was one of the most authentic people I've ever met--and I loved him for it. I still miss him very much.
Great article. I'm proud of you for being able to process your grief and emotions into something like this that describes you both so well.
Keep up the hard work. Darius and I are here for you in a heartbeat should you ever need us.
161
Paul, she needs you. please find a way to connect with her. remember her on holidays, invite her. remember the date of her husband's death. call her, fly to Connecticut and be present. it's what matters most.
44
Dear Melissa,
I am sorry for the loss of Chris so unexpectedly.
You are right. In the darkest moments, it is compassion shown that gives us much needed breath.
May you be well and give much compassion to others all the days of your life!
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