A couple thoughts from an 80 year old.
Don’t fall—falling is a game changer.
Focus on health and not doctoring and illness
Eliminate as much toxicity from your life as feasible
Have enough money for services, rather than things.
Do what you enjoy, but expand your life to find new joy.
Don’t worry about anything that you can’t control
Have fun. Trust me on that.
1040
A decent article. I would be nice if NYT adjusted and fixed the layout so BOTH the article and the comments were printable in a nice format.
91
Best time in my life
111
I live in a beautiful place, near people I love. I also realize I am very fortunate to have good food on my plate and a solid roof over my head. For my seventieth birthday last summer all three generations of our family went to a summer theatre production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". It was the grandchildren's first Shakespeare and though our ages went from seven to seventy, everyone loved it and we all laughed away a lovely evening with a memorable moon. I am blessed with many such moments and I am grateful for every one. I always try to live with courage and kindness and the older I get, the more it all makes some kind of sense. My greatest hope is that somehow, there will still be a beautiful world for my great-grandchildren to discover.
311
I have experienced inklings of the sentiment described by the author already at 51. Men have stopped bothering me for dates. I run a small business, so I'm able to make my own decisions and it's extremely empowering. My youngest child is now 12 and getting more independent every day. My oldest child is now 16, meaning I can envision a day when I'll have more time to spend doing things just for me rather than ensuring the needs of others are met. My husband is 57; I'm extremely fortunate that my 77 year old mother has enough resources, for now, to buy the care she needs. I do worry about the future, but increasingly find enjoyment and bliss in things that I might not have even paid attention to 10 years ago. Over the holidays, I sat and watched TV for the first time in many years. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.The downside is that I don't feel well a lot if days, and my husband has been out of work for 2.5 years. If you want to stay employed af an older person, you'd best employ yourself.
123
This article is true, but also not true. At 72, I am grateful for the relatively active life I have, but I am beset by concerns about how long it will last. What is realistic? I thought I was going to travel a great deal at this time. Then I had various foot problems which did not heal well and I have learned this is due to compromised blood flow. Should I travel or not? Should I hike or not? Is it possible I will improve or not? In the past I had confidence that improvement would happen. Now I do not, and this does not make me happy.
142
Much as I agree with the author's POV, and many of the comments from other readers, herewith some thoughts from the perspective of a female of a certain age on the unmentioned matter of sexuality and sex in the seventh decade.
There's a disparity in the dating and mating world:
our sexuality doesn’t necessarily die with age - for many it is still important, however, men deny older women their sexuality and we become invisible at a time in our lives when we also become more interesting and sexually confident . In other words, it’s a biological mismatch!
174
In our seventies, we are rich with memories which relieve us from the “burden” of getting old. We should never quit learning about what a miracle life is and how we managed to get here in the first place instead of worrying about where we are now.
52
I am disappointed that the author finds it necessary to state the old trope that older women “don’t miss the male gaze”. How does she know that? While it may be true for her, it may not be true for others. It just goes to show that even in old age, women are often their own worst enemies, perpetuating myths about themselves. As my mother used to say when I complained about my advancing age, “I wish I was (insert age here) again!” While we all try to age well, none of us doesn’t wish it weren’t happening. We just do the best we can given our particular circumstances.
246
A friend who was also a woman in her 70’s gave me the greatest compliment I could ever receive. She said that her impression of me was that I am an authentic woman. I love and miss her. Little did I know that one word encapsulated what
I have spent my life hoping to become.
154
When I was 16 or 23 or 41, I never thought I'd say, "My seventies are the best part of my whole life!" Who ever heard a teenager say, "I can't wait to be 70!" But the enjoyment of everything: a pup, a partner, books, friends, a small garden makes life feel abundant. Health helps too. Of course. I think having survived some rough patches helps with gratitude in the present. I worry about what our planet will be like for our children but have to remind myself (over and over) that worry doesn't help. I give where I can and hope their insight and work will outshine ours by a long way.
170
I'm nearing 70 and look at age as a score! How long can I stay on the planet and still enjoy the ride. So far so good. I could care less if I look young or not ( I don't look young) and whether the opposite sex is interested (I'm single). I experience some new aches and pains ( arthritis) but I keep moving.
Enjoying the great outdoors on horseback, kayaking, or hiking with friends keeps me happy. I'm proud to be old and still having a blast, laughing and dancing and holding on tight! What a ride it has been!
185
I highly recommend reading as many comments as you can. The article was inspiring and uplifting to me, but many different perspectives give thoughtful reality checks on the wide variety of experiences of aging.
408
While I enjoyed the piece, I wonder about the reflexive attribution of "ageisim" to America. As a student of art and art history, the portraits of old women and men are similar. So bent over, wrinkled and with mere character roles as the young and beautiful take center stage. At 67, I recognize that a man's role is different too. So be it. But again, why believe this is simply an American problem.
32
I'm not sure which I appreciate more, the article itself or all the thoughtful comments here (covering a variety of perspectives and reactions). I'm 43 and this was exactly what I needed to read this morning...thank you.
155
I just sat in a restaurant in Delray Beach. It might as well be a different planet from my hometown of Bangor, Me. I look around and see a lot of older people like myself but unlike where I live they mostly have money to do anything they want and if they get ill they have the money to go to a place that will treat them with dignity unlike the Medicaid hellholes for most.
I am 70. Do I like it? Honestly I find it hard and that’s with trying to stay healthy and all that. My husband died from FTD and I have found myself more and more isolated. I just stopped working and what now? But compared to most my age I have it made. I am on this vacation. I am not living in cold and darkness right now in Maine as most my neighbors my age are.
My grandmothers were independent women who lived into their 80’s. They were not obese or poor. In rural Maine I meet people who are obese and poor and old. Their 70’s are a terrible struggle with both health and money. I think that most of rural America is like this but the NYT lost sight of these folks a long time ago and publish these pieces that are glowing about being old. Become poor or ill as most people do and life is very different.
646
Thank you. I completely agree and I am only in my 50s. The only thing I do not agree with is that a decline in male attention is a relief. No way! I always enjoyed male attention and the whistling in the street. I hate being ignored as a sexual woman.
98
I am a healthy eighty-one year old Jazz Singer, and except for a bad back (it's acupuncture now after trying various therapies), I am astonished to be gazing at the next birthday just around the corner. Much of my resilience is directly attributed to Music, loving it and participating in it. Others of my contemporaries are Sheila Jordan (91), Annie Ross (89) and Marilyn Maye (90), and we are all active artists.
779
@Carol Sloane - I have loved your music for a long time and am glad to know that you are healthy and active.
89
@Carol Sloane Brava! I know and admire your work. Also a singer, but an educator now.
59
@Carol Sloane
Ms. Sloane,
Thank you for this beautiful and encouraging post. My college jazz professor always thought and believed that jazz is nourishment for the soul for without jazz, we merely exist throughout life without fully living it. I do believe Ms. Sloane, he was referring to beautiful and talented musicians such as yourself and the peers you listed.
Keep singing those soothing and enriching lyrics!
92
As a not (yet) 70 year-old, I thank you for this and similar articles.
One question: with so very many of NYT editorial board and reporters being millennials and so many of your articles and even journalistic style being geared to your idea of millennials' interests and to their (mostly) baby boomer parents, aren't you NYT forgetting an entire generation of two?
Shall they cancel their subscriptions and take their money elsewhere, to a publication that remembers they exist and doesn't diminish their relevance?
58
This is so me (age 61). As I read somewhere else, the major life decisions are made, and I have enough life experience to react to life events with emotional resilience.
I work at a university, and I remember years ago, when a 20 year old female student reacted to a co-worker’s upcoming 50th birthday with horror: “How can you stand it? I would kill myself!” We had a good laugh over that one.
68
Thanks so much for this upbeat piece, Dr. Pipher.
I have been thinking about this topic for several years now and marvel at my own capacity for equanimity despite some pretty stressful circumstances. I wish I had had the benefits of being in my 70s when I was younger and lacked the capacity to let go of things, lacked the capacity to see things in perspective, lacked the capacity to see others as they are with all the strengths and defects. In fact, I lacked the ability to see myself, to accept who I am and what my limitations are.
When I was younger, I spent so much time getting upset about things that were not inherently that upsetting or even important. It was like being on a roller coaster a good bit of the time. Now although the roller coaster of events are still in operation, my inner life is calm, and as a result, even the outer rocky times are better addressed and therefore less extreme. I'm so grateful to have lived this long and to have achieved the inner calm I so cherish.
Thanks again for this piece and the chance to read how other women my age have experienced the 70s.
94
Turning 70, I looked in the mirror and wondered, "Hey, when did you get here?" I have long resisted the wrinkle free, cover up grey, tighten the face pressure of our youth centered culture, and I welcomed the ability to be true to myself, whatever I looked like.
Having said that, I don't believe the author was judging any woman who chooses make-up, surgical repair or uses anti-aging cream. I believe the author suggests, what's important is the freedom to choose for yourself, what aging iwill be for you. It’s hard to step away from popular culture, and what we believe about older women. I am often called cute, until I open my mouth and speak in complete sentences expressing radical ideas. or not. "Ageism is to older women like water is to fish." It's in the air we breathe – all around us and what we can do is use the power of personal choice to declare ourselves for ourselves, no matter the expectations of others.
I loved this article, the idea of choosing what being over 70 will mean to me is rich and personally powerful. It is wonderful to read her words and chew on the thoughts - they resonate with me. I too was in dread of moving closer to 80 and just like now, when that happens, I am sure I will look in the mirror and ask, "Hey, when did you get here?"
79
This all sounds very privileged to me. Not every person in their 70s lives such a life. Some people still struggle to meet their daily needs. While I have enough money to meet my needs - as long as I don't need too much - I am definitely not in Dr. Pipher's circle. I am happy that she achieved such a life for herself but she should also realize that not all were so fortunate.
291
I thought I'd hate this piece but found myself cheering as I read. I'm 76 and perfectly happy except for the aches and pains of old age. I don't mind calling myself old because I think of reaching this age as a reward or, as Dr. Pipher writes, a miracle and a privilege. When I turned 50, I refused to tell people how old I was. The freedom of shouting I'm 76 and fine with it delights me. I no longer have to be gorgeous and witty and poised. I can be grumpy occasionally and spend the morning drinking coffee and petting the cat or swimming laps. I've learned about myself and like myself and accept myself. What a wonderful age!
116
This article would have been much less annoying if she had said “I” instead of “we.” She certainly doesn’t speak for me. I am 75 and distraught at what Trump and the Republicans are doing to this country. Far more important than any personal happiness or peace, whatever that means. I continue to show up to rallies, work for Democrats, find ways to fight for poor people and immigrants. Active with my union retirees, volunteering to support women with breast cancer, read, exercise some, keep my brain functioning, whatever I can given a history of cancer and worsening arthritis. Acceptance is not on the agenda. Except for my hair which I am growing out gray as a statement of being a proud 75 year old.
248
My wife and I turned 70 this year, have hideous health issues and ungrateful children happy for our financial support but dismissive of our opinions and rarely lending a helping hand to us. We have both worked too hard in our lives, my wife far more than me as a debilitating illness struck me down 17 years ago. Neither of us having been into material things or “fun”, We have lived our lives for others, with duty and responsibility our values, especially her, with a major difference.
I have always assumed the worst about people and life, and thus have often been pleasantly surprised. I am reasonably happy now despite some years of despair, for the reasons this column describes so well. A nice internet exchange, a good book, a religious service when I can make one, and daily prayer give me happiness and some measure of peace.
My very, indeed overly, sensitive wife has lived in the opposite frame of mind, assuming the best about people, especially family, and has been met with jealousy, disrespect, ingratitude, even hatred. It has made her angry, bitter, feeling rejected, disappointed, cursed by God and everyone but me. While it will not change her, or heal her deep psychological wounds, I am sending her this column to show her there are other ways to approach life. I am grateful to Ms. Pipher for writing it.
105
Thank you for this great article! My 70's have been some of the happiest years of my entire life. I don't know if I could add anything more to this excellently expressed opinion. But thank all the gods for Kaiser, where, during my 70's, I've had two major surgeries that helped me to keep feeling young and healthy, and cured me of life-threatening conditions. I wish everybody in this country could have such great medical care - that would do much to assure happiness in old age.
73
I'm 68 and vain enough to think I look younger when I take the time to fix myself up. I have plenty of days when I comfortably run out of the house, no makeup, hair pulled back to take a walk. It helps keep me fit and lift my spirits ad I walk around our local supermarket/shopping centers parking lots and I doubt that anyone even notices me. I'm still able to move furniture by myself, climb laders, and handle many home repairs that don't involve electrical and plumbing. I've always prided myself on being independent.
But I also still enjoy getting dressed up, putting on some makeup and fixing my hair. Like it or not, you are treated differently. From the always-younger guys glance and smile at the car dealership, as well as the male cashier's quick flirting and "give me that smile" banter.
No matter how comfortable you are with yourself, and purpose in your life, it's still nice to be noticed. I agree with the previous poster, men aren't the enemy. I doubt I ever dressed in a manner that would elicit catcalls and whistling, not the look I strived for. But it is great to still be able to enjoy an appreciative look now and then when you know you're old enough to be their mother.
87
@Ann
I am also 68.
I learned to not move furniture.
Ditto for climbing ladders.
I'm independent, but don't tempt fate anymore!
59
This seems very white, healthy and financially comfortable, with little regard for a different type of reality that may be filled with extraordinary struggle. I meet lots of active women in their 70's who seem quite happy and secure in themselves. I also meet many who are not flourishing at all, carrying incredible burdens that would crush someone half their age. They work at menial jobs to scrape out a bit more of a living, or they make decisions like shall we buy food or medication, or they are doing the best to care for a spouse who is all but immobile, on their own. They don't have the time or the energy for much more than survival. They live without hope. It's a terrible thing. Please include them in your book about aging.
493
Thank you for pointing out the elephant in this room.
148
At 79 and still working in my IT field, I've taken whatever steps necessary to allow me to achieve some degree of happiness since a devastating divorce at age 58. I travel as much as possible, appreciate calls and visits from friends and look out my window at the Ferry Building/SF Bay every morning and am thankful to be in good health and ALIVE. Despite my best efforts, the loneliness is the worst and some days it overtakes me. Thankfully, I can usually kick myself in the rear, get up and keep going.
I expect some more consulting assignments this year..the more work I have, the better I feel. I'm not sure how I will be once I no longer have work. This leaves me fearful but also motivates me to appreciate every assignment.
Even though I fear the future...I am determined to enjoy today.
90
Yes, it’s good to be an older woman. Nearing my 70th birthday, I work, go regularly to the gym, run, write for a weekly writing group, just signed up for a collage course at The Art Student’s League and never leave home without my 3 minute plank. I’m more active than I’ve ever been. I just wish the media portrayed us as so. Last week I attended a discussion on inclusivity in the fashion industry. When ageism wasn’t brought up, I asked why women over 60 were not being represented except for recycling a handful of celebrity models and actresses, the editor of Allure Magazine responded, “We had Helen Mirren on the cover”. That was in August of 2017 and exactly my point.
83
Works for men too:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/bregalis/36340036875/in/dateposted/
5
@Trista
"My best friend of 50 years, who just got a facelift (on credit --- horrors!) was laughing with me about some "biddies" in her church who were giving her massive dirty looks. She said, "it's because my facelift is a big cheat. I'm not supposed to look like this at my age."
Is a face lift a - choice - for many in their 70's?
Dr Pipher, the author of this piece says - "We can say no to anything we don’t want to do." Perhaps that's how it works for her demographic and for people who can afford her services.
There are a lot of assumptions in the article as well as in some of the comments.
I'm not planning a face lift. I'm head to the grocery store to buy some of the reduced price produce. I'm happy to be getting state sponsored assistance in paying my winter utility bills. I rescheduled the my work yesterday so my wrist could recover from overuse.
There are plenty of things to appreciate in my daily life, and I will continue to do so. Gratitude goes a long way...
Subtitle of the article - "Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice." Yes, that's true. I have that skill, but my potential choices and Ms Piper's are different.
Would like to look through a few more comments reflecting views similar to mine --
But have to get ready to WORK!
68
Why does this story have to be so gender specific? Can't most of the statements in this worthwhile article be said about men, too?
24
@jamesk
I would go even further. Does this author posit applying the same standards to men that she apparently applies to women? Does Nancy Pelosi or Ruth Bader Ginsburg fit the stereotype of the retired women the article apparently covers? I think not. The idea that a 70+ year old woman should essentially find happiness by limiting her ambition and horizon is offensive in itself. Let alone impossible to achieve.
29
I'm with you, Mary. I'm 77 and heading out shortly for a Introductory Ballet class at Steps on Broadway. Feel great. Still lots of energy. And since the election last November, I've begun to see the light at the end of this dark Trumpean tunnel.
52
beautiful article!!!
5
Good advice for all ages both men and women, but harder to apply when you are younger, like me, I'm only 65, a veritable Spring Chicken.
13
lovely and beautifully expressed.....those that feel the way Ms. Pipher does are lucky indeed.....I am in her camp....sadly not everyone is so lucky.....
12
I'm going to make my 69th year really count!
12
When I was in my late 30s, I said to a female psychologist that I didn't miss getting old enough to avoid the male gaze, especially when at work. She looked at me skeptically and suspiciously as if I was trying to fool her. Yet I really don't miss being evaluated by my body rather than by my mind. Hear my thoughts; don't judge my looks! Really!
30
" For the first time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our appearance. We can wear yoga tights instead of nylons and bluejeans instead of business suits."
No. Stop that, please...stop leaving the house dressed like you've been on a week long food and beer bender. Stop going out in public in too small yoga pants. (actually anyone who is out of shape, stop wearing them! No one is interested in your poor underwear choices)
In fact, mature women AND MEN, stop dressing like teens and college students. Please! Extending respect in public is difficult when you look like a bum. When you look like you climbed out of a St. Vincents clothing-drop dumpster. When there are remnants of your last 5 meals on your shirt.
Old people, I implore you to please dress like you always have. Like people who grew up in a time when people took a little pride in how they appeared in public. Its sorely missed by many of us who learned from our elders.
153
Best post on this thread!! Thank you.
30
I recently turned 70 and I proudly refer to myself as a geezer. There are now only a handful of people in this world whose opinions I care about and I have stored away 65 or years of insults for those who think I shouldn't wear my workout clothes to the supermarket or don't like the Hillary bumper stickers on my car. My life would be perfect if it didn't take me five minutes to get out of bed every morning but that's OK because other peoples voices are gone from my head.
49
Why do we insist on saying "older woman?" What's wrong with "old woman?" When I hit 70 (not long from now) I am proudly taking off the "er!"
12
I loved this article. I'm not 70 yet- have a decade and a half to go- but I so embrace the idea of appreciating a fuzzy caterpillar or a butterfly, the smell of a rose or the laughter of children in a park. Of course pain is felt by every human at any age, but finding joy in small wonders and human connection can alleviate mine to a great extent. Thank you for your wonderful words- I hope to age as well as you.
24
All good stuff and information about *liviing* that we all need and definitely, over time, want. So why do we do such a bad job at sharing it, promoting it, making it mean something? Instead, the deep valleys between the generations persist and those over the age, heck, 50 wind in the dustbin. In this age, we have a marketing and public relations problem. What are we going to do about it? In a profound and meaningful way?
13
"Older women have learned the importance of reasonable expectations. We know that all our desires will not be fulfilled, that the world isn’t organized around pleasing us and that others, especially our children, are not waiting for our opinions and judgments."
While I understand the sentiments of this paragraph, I think a more realistic interpretation is the importance of DISAPPOINTMENT vs. expectations and all of our DREAMS vs. desires will not be fulfilled.
On an emotional level, I think I am the luckiest woman I know because my husband is perfect . . . especially after 30+++ years of marriage. He is perfect because neither of us hold grudges or anger or resentment towards the other. We both make mistakes, we both sincerely apologize, we both know the other is the most important person in our lives.
On a physical level, that's an entirely different kettle of fish for me. Being a silver senior, the body is not doing great. Between the painful arthritis in both hands, the neuropathy in both feet which causes me to fall flat on my knee caps, on cement, more often than I can count, and just not being as nimble as I once was, my body gets in its own way too often.
The real joy I find is my marriage and my cats. They keep me feeling loved, appreciated, special, and needed which are components that were lacking in my younger days. While I encounter daily struggles with my body, my soul and spirit continues to be enriched because my husband and my felines.
43
Thank you for this. We are burying my Mother tomorrow afternoon, and it’s something terrible, but made a bit easier by the beauty of memories, and inspiration from how she lived. Her 70’s were wonderful, but that is primarily because she “knew what to want”.
59
@A Grieving Son
so sorry for your loss. I find that my loved ones who have passed become so much a part of my thoughts that they are in some small ways here as a part of me.
41
@A Grieving Son
I sincerely wish there is something I could say or write that might help ease the pain, the sadness, and the loss you and your family are presently experiencing. My mother died in December so many years ago but every winter, especially during Christmas, I miss her more and think of her often.
Hold those beautiful memories tight and continue to allow her examples to inspire you every single day because through those actions, she will always be by your side in so many ways. While the hurt and loss may never completely fade away, learning to manage that hurt and loss eventually takes it place.
Deepest condolences on the passing of your mother. Many supportive cyber hugs are on their way to you. Take care.
39
Thank you, Dr. Pipher, for this truly fabulous piece. It’s packed with great wisdom for ANYone, woman or man, who wants to live consciously. We all experience sorrow and bliss, but it’s up to each of us to choose for ourselves which of them will define us, whether we’ll tell our personal story as one of heroism or victimhood.
19
I love this piece. I’m in my 40’s and can see that 70 is not what I used to think of as “old” when I was younger. Aging can seem daunting, but when so many people are aging gracefully and living full, happy lives I can see there is nothing to worry about in the ‘mature’ years-life only gets better. Cheers to everyone enjoying every year of their life and wishing you all good health.
18
I’m only 50, but I feel like I’m becoming more like the women described in the article. Good to know I can progress even further. The only thing I question is the idea men/sex become less important or that women in their 70s reduce male attention to catcalls. I appreciate much male attention is unwanted — but not all. So I hope the magic of sexual attraction and falling in love is still possible in advanced age.
27
I do agree with a lot of things in this article but at the same time at the age of 72 I still have the desire to make a difference, to continue to work full time in my nursing profession, to travel, to move and live in other countries etc,etc. My idols are diverse: Nancy Pelosi, jane Fonda, lily Tomlin, RBG, pope francis, Nelson Mandela,mother theresa, who are or were active late into their lives. Im working hard to qualify to do an MBA in health this year at my university which is free tuition for over 65!! So for me I still feel the restlessness, passion, excitement of youth and I rally against ageism from my friends who want to see me lead an "old life": focusing on my aches and pains and visiting doctors ad nauseum, not working, and then of course ageism from employers who have this idea about old tired employees. I am proud of my life for being a dirtball I.e. having a great life no matter what and following my motto : be good.do good and hope to continue for many more years. The sky is the limit!
40
Right on, Mary! I'm 4 years shy of 70 but your article SO resonates. Thank you!
8
Note to the women Democrats, young and old/older re: 2020: "Older women have learned the importance of reasonable expectations. We know that all our desires will not be fulfilled, that the world isn’t organized around pleasing us and that others, especially our children, are not waiting for our opinions and judgments."
10
Married since I was 20, I’d never lived alone. My husband took care of the finances, got the cars serviced, etc., and earned our living. He put all four of us through college; no loans accrued. I raised the children, and moved the household between jobs. I was a trailing spouse. I’ve had a blessed life. I’ve lived in places my teenage self would have never imagined. I’ve been exposed to various cultures, religions and countries.
I lost my husband 5 years ago and in the last 5 years, going into my 70’s by myself, my learning curve has been high. I joke, I’d like it to at least flatten out.
But I’m getting quite a bit of satisfaction from conquering things I never did or thought I could do. I find joy in gardening and reading, satisfaction in baking bread and making jam and in volunteering. There are days to wear makeup and days where I don’t care.
One thing I’ve learned and I’ve passed on to my grandchildren, whenever you are feeling down, doing something for someone else, always makes you feel better.
122
As a 59 year old woman, I find this article incredibly heartening. I know that, as other readers have pointed out, we are all not so fortunate to have the resources, brain power, or physical abilities that make it easier to practice choosing happiness. Still, no matter what may come, I’d like to try. I’d also like to read Ms. Phipher’s upcoming book for clues on how to fold the pain of life into it’s incredible beauty and sweetness, so that each time my heart contracts, it knows better how to open again.
29
The author’s friend said, “When I was young I needed sexual ecstasy or a hike to the top of a mountain to experience bliss. Now I can feel it when I look at a caterpillar on my garden path.” I’m glad her friend finally woke up to this truth in her 70s. But there is no need to wait so long, and nothing about coming to this realization that requires being old. It is not about “maturing” but about truly receiving in one’s heart what is here now. Many people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s also experience such bliss in small, seemingly ordinary scenes—the way light reflects off the pavement, the feel of sunlight on one’s face, the joy of water while swimming, the connection felt when you truly look in someone’s eyes and receive them as they talk to you. I’m in my 50s and I have regularly experienced this ever since I was a child.
53
I say this prayer attributed to a 17th century nun every day—maybe 70, maybe less—
Lord, you know better than I know myself that
I am getting older and will someday be old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must
say something on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all,
but you know, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind from the recital of endless details – give me the wings to come to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains.
They are increasing, and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter.
I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience.
I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet.
I do not want to be a saint – some of them are so hard to live with
– but
a sour old woman is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and the talents in unexpected people, and give me the grace to tell them so.
87
I wonder what Nancy Pelosi thinks of this article.
13
An elderly friend told me the 70s are great, it's the 80s when things go to hell
22
I'm seventy one. This is on the whole a lovely article. I agree with many of its basic premises, but there are also some glaring assumptions in it, for instance about many older women having financial stability and being in happy long-term partnerships. Neither are the case, for me, nor for a lot of older women I know. Nor is the reality of one older man who responded, saying that in our seventies sex turns to affection and glad closeness with our partners. Another generality that fosters the common belief that sexuality is less intense and less important for older people. This is not my experience.
25
@Jane S. What's wrong with affection, caring, and glad closeness? They sound good to me....
10
A lot of generalizations and assumptions in this piece. Maybe its own form of “ageism” ?
44
Beautiful. Thank you
1
Grace of the Ozarks figured it out.
4
What in the name of any sort of understanding made that graphic seem appropriate for this column? Did the art director even READ it???
A fabulous description of the pleasures of realizing the gifts of aging—coupled with the same stereotype the author is rejecting? Absurd.
29
A great thing about turning 80 is you don’t have to worry about dying young.
58
The 80's is even better.
11
There is no joy of being a black woman of any age in America. Carrying the double burden of their color aka race deeply buried in " the badges and incidents" of their enslavement followed by being physically identifiable separate and unequal coupled with the misogyny and patriarchy of their gender is an enduring uniquely evll immoral inhumane exposure of American hypocrisy.
40
@Blackmamba
Terrible injustices of racism. It is so absurd - it makes no sense and yet it is so ingrained in our culture and history that it feels impossible that we will ever as humans get over this.
14
@Blackmamba I feel such shame at our country/world that you feel this way. Peace and love, for what it's worth, from me.
27
I love it... Following at the tail end of the boomers, through the years, I've found that boomers have simultaneously glorified (and trashed) every age they've passed through...
They bragged about sex, drugs and rock and roll (we get AIDs, campus assault, toxic binge drinking, and opiate overdose).
They bragged about the tech bubble, the housing bubble, the joys of attachment parenting (we get the Great Recession, student debt repayment, and SIDs warnings).
They got secure long-term jobs with healthcare and functioning public schools (we get climate change, contract work, a decade long fight for healthcare, and mass shootings in schools).
So, yeah, of course, now that they're in their 70s, that age is the best, most fulfilling ever.
Somehow, though, I think the gap is going to close and we'll all be facing the same reality in the end.
25
I'm in my mid-50s and work in the tech industry, which is overloaded with toxic ageism. But even outside of that particularly "arrested development" industry, this is the truest and most complete statement I have ever read about being an over-50 woman in America:
"In America, ageism is a bigger problem for women than aging."
I have lost count of the number of times people have said to me "You don't look anywhere near __!" At first I used to take that as a complement, but then caught on that it isn't. It's simply an awkward reveal that the speaker is harboring an inappropriate stereotype of "over-50 woman."
I'm now trying to find a polite way to respond: "Maybe it's time to jettison your stereotype of over-50 women."
38
Seconding this. I’m in a tech company at 61 - I was hired at 57. Quite an experience. Generally, I don’t like the “just settle for the little things and smile” tone of this article; it’s not how I feel at all. I want to do good, challenging work.
31
Why are men almost completely absent from this piece? Does the wisdom of aging for women imply that their relations with men have been a foolish burden and are now happily behind them?
8
Because it’s about a woman in her 70s and her experiences and wisdom. Does it need to include men?
35
@Forrest Chisman Yes, you're correct; that IS what many female NYT readers feel. But it's not the way most ordinary women feel, believe me.
10
@MD Monroe only if "her experiences and wisdom" doesn't include anything about men.
2
I'll look forward to the book.
5
In glibly proclaiming, "We can say no to anything we don’t want to do," Dr. Pipher she fails to acknowledge that saying no can be a tortuous or even impossible choice for older women whose adult children are suffering and need their help.
Perhaps Dr. Pipher has no children, or they’re are doing well. Or maybe she's decided to let her grown children's own suffering coast down her river of self-satisfied contentment, but, in my many years of mothering experience and as studies support, mother’s, with any kind of heartbeat, are only as happy as their unhappiest child.
Saying “no”, even if it’s more convenient, just isn’t in most mother's genetic code, no matter how old they are.
46
This op-ed made me feel depressed and inadequate. Where did the author find the mold for this quintessential 70 year old? I don't even come close to fitting it especially not in yoga pants nor finding joy in watching caterpillars through the gritty lenses of my worldview.
47
With the addition of a line or two about male sexuality, this piece would apply equally to men and women. It feels a little sexist to me that the article purports to limit itself to women. All of us are in this soup together. The same spirit flows through everyone.
14
I once met a woman in a nursing home who was 105. Her skin was almost translucent. She whispered to me, "These old women are always complaining. What do they have to complain about?"
50
Loved this article!
I only have one itsy-bitsy issue. The proper term is Scots-Irish (i.e. not SCOTCH-Irish).
You are a person, you are NOT a liquor!
40
Lots of wrong assumptions here. "Many" women love the male gaze and sex, but have been widowed far earlier than 70. Some twice. "Many" women see their 50-year-old friendships sour or vanish due to jealousy, changed economic circumstances, and poor health. "Many" women, through no fault of their own, aren't surrounded by a shelterbelt of family & friends. This "we make our own luck" silliness is just that - great for those who've not known true adversity.
125
Your essay distills wisdeom and beauty, cutting through the dross of life. I will keep your essay in my NY TImes recipe folder. :) Thanks!
7
My mother always told me, “happiness is a by-product.” Happiness is not something you can achieve. It is a result of actively doing something meaningful to you.
21
I find articles like this insulting to women and to the aged. NYT enough of this nonsense about how great it is to be old .
If you get to be old what awaits you is physical and emotional pain, suffering and loss not just of friends and relatives but of the ability to do most everything that you loved . If this hasn't happened to you yet its coming unless you are lucky enough to go quickly with a heart attack or accident.
Ridiculous how we all think we will be in the 3% that survives to be old and healthy.
57
This author is making very grand statements about an entire age group of women. It’s hard to determine where she gets the authority to do so. Strange piece.
83
Amen, sister! I very much agree with everything you said, with an extra dollop of agreement about not missing unwanted male attention.
6
Relevant for women 55-on!! Great reminders of the gifts that come from living!!!
3
Spring of 2018 I began planning a "0" party for me and my twin bro because we were turning 70 in summer. By July the party had turned into a family reunion. I rented space at a park facility and about 65 people attended - from the very young to the very old. The park piece of the venue was lost due to extremely heavy rain. But the rain also intensified the intimate nature of so many people in a relatively small space. For 7 hours we ate, talked, shared stories, took pictures, looked at pictures. One of the high-points was when the younger generation, now all successful young adults, posed for the exact same picture they had posed for as tweens and teens many years ago. I have never loved my family as much as that day.
37
"...ageism is a bigger problem than ageing". Spot On!
And this is true at really any age above 30. I'm a 47 year old women who works in infotech... a very old age by the standards of my industry. I've been working on computers for all my adult life, and I've never felt more competent at my work than I do now. But almost every time I meet someone professionally I have to first prove my credentials. The assumption always is that young guys half my age are by default much better at software architecture, design and coding. Not true! In fact - not always, but many times - their code is over engineered. They haven't yet learnt the elegance (and utility) of simplicity in software. But the perception always is that they are the whiz-kids & an older female software engineer is not that good.
Ageism is definitely a HUGE problem and maybe no where greater than information technology world.
53
With a change of few words this article could have been for men too. Yes, some of the challenges for men and women are different at every stage of life, but we are all human and what drives any life is human nature. So as a 73 year old man I say, we are all swimming the same ocean of life..
15
One of the greatest surprises in my life has been to discover that my 70s
Are entirely and completely different then had been described to me,
Or expected.,and that’s saying a lot after being a nurse for 40 years!
The shocking radiance of life bursts open,
Once narcissism and consumerism cease.
The unexpected joy that enlivens every
Cell is a treasure trove ,
Wether of sorrow,love, pain,loss or joy.
Being present
Present ,every moment,
Leads me home to my heart
And
that is not to dismiss the
Poignant sadness of retreating life
I want to be with this too!
Thank you for this tender song you’ve written
18
There is something missing from this good article that some commentators have pointed out. Females and males in their 70s and 80s start acting and reacting to situations in pretty much the same fashion. Both sexes stand their ground, but are more likely to negotiate--options have been reduced. They no longer repress what needs to be said. "No" and "yes" mean just that.
Family members, however, are not always supportive; they either talk down to you or take over your life. One becomes aware that they are "busy," like we once were, and we are one of the last things on their minds, unless a drastic change in us takes place --and, I guess, that is a good thing.
Every time a friend becomes really ill, or dies, it represents one less contact to reach out to, and one step closer to our own demise. However, I have found out that my husband and I have befriended new people and become more sociable. Conversations no longer are about business contacts or shop talk; they most likely will be about hobbies, food, politics, community affairs, traveling, family or health issues. There is time to kill.
I welcome this article as a day starter; enjoy what you have one day at a time. Reach out and touch someone in need. Thank you to you all! Made my day!
13
"Life will let you know what it wants you to do," observed my very wise friend who died at 97 in 2014. Amid the many changes and losses of this stage of life (I am 80), I find guidance in that thought. And so life recently showed me what it wants me to do: reach out to a longtime friend who is having difficulty in adjusting to life in a retirement community.
When I had health problems last year, I realized the notion of the hundredfold in the many friends and neighbors who reached out to offer rides, grocery shopping, visits and just general support. I do believe that life at this stage is truly the sum of the many choices that I have made along the way through the tragedies and accomplishments.
16
I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around turning 50...I can't help it and I can't even fathom turning 70+, I feel like my best years are over but logically not true....thanks for the article, I'm trying to not be so hard on myself.
23
Dr. Pipher, I have sent your eloquent essay on to my many friends in their 70’s. Everyone has replied with a “thank you.” You have touched our hearts and mentored us through this challenging but still beautiful journey of living.
16
I've been 70 and newly retired for several days and I intend to enjoy it to the best of my abilities.
12
Feeling this way in my fifties...could not miss the irony of ads for metallic eyelashes between paragraphs.
Aging wisely if not so gracefully.
9
My sentiments exactly. Finally, after all these years, happiness.
7
I’ll be 76 this year. I don’t have as much money as I used to but I try to spend what I have on what I need and a little on what gives me pleasure. My body parts aren’t what they were 10 years or even 5 years ago but instead of aerobics I do Tai Chi. I can’t afford a car and shouldn’t drive due to poor vision but I’ve got generous friends who take me with them for shopping or other outings.
I find reading the printed word harder on my eyes but reading on my Kindle app is great. I can’t do 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles anymore but I now love online jigsaw puzzle apps. Going out at night is hard because of very poor night vision but I can stay at home and roam the world via international series streamed on my tv.
I loved working when I was working (until 73) but I love my life in retirement. With my friends, my cats, my family and modern technology — my life continues to be full in ways not the least bit less interesting than in my earlier years.
57
As a woman who has recently entered the final year of her 40s, I thank you so much for shining the light from up ahead on the path I’m treading. Cheers!
11
As an almost 70 year old man, I can say that most of what applies to the happiness of older women also applies to the happiness of old men. The road is the same.
31
Thank you. My learning from aging and having beenby life some dealt “good “ things in life, and some really rough things, is that apprenticion and gratitude are the best thing we can do for ourselves. Even in times of long and difficult physical pain, there is sunshine, a good book, a cup of coffe or a smile to be grateful for. The Buddhist philosopher Thich Nan Hahn says the best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment. This has been my experience.
24
Charitable and broadly social and even community and professional contributions and efforts are ignored by this article, which is unfortunate. These activities add so much meaning to life and significantly enrich the lives of active elders, as well as improve our communities immensely.
The wisdom we can gain from age encourages us to look for connections and joy where it can be found in the present, not by dwelling on what we no longer have in the now ... although remembering and being grateful for past joys does add sweetness to our lives and memories.
14
This piece resonated deeply. I just turned 60, and am so happy these days to be nearly invisible to men, to have a rich web of women friends, and to be able to spend entire days in deep, warm solitude. It snowed all day yesterday (12 inches total) and I couldn't stop wandering the house, standing at one window and then another, filled with bliss at the soft white flakes blanketing every branch and bench. I puttered in the kitchen, boiling up old hens, letting them cool, stripping skin from meat, and meat from bones. I know every day won't be this calm and beautiful, but I welcome the challenges and growing opportunities that lie ahead, and am grateful to Ms. Pipher and my older friends who light the way with their warm, wise, and welcoming glow.
19
This is good for middle age as well as later, especially as preparation for older age. But what about those for whom gratitude is kicked to the curb by relentless bitterness and complaint?
4
Was it not Robert Browning who wrote: “Grow old along with me/The best is yet to be.” ? This essay is a useful reminder that we can be happy as we age if we only take time in our lives to realize how privileged we are. But all happiness is relative; it’s hard to be fully happy knowing people are suffering needlessly with a government shut-down, and a growing discrepancy between the very wealthy and powerful and everyone else. Happiness also means living in a democracy that values freedom of choice, respect for difference and the opportunity to improve one’s economic situation. That people can be relatively happy under duress speaks volumes about their resilience and courage.
18
I turn 72 in a few weeks; and I'm moving again, picking through my life in boxes, sorting books, again, and wishing this might be the last time I move, but it will not be. I do these moves out of necessity, not desire. And, I love revisiting my life, picking up a card from one of my children, finding a love letter written to me by an old boyfriend in the 60s, yet now dead; or an elder aunt who wrote to me who was actually born a decade before the turn of the 20th Century. I still work, write, curate fine art, produce film festivals for the emerging filmmakers and writers.
There are a number of women and old friends my age who I don't want to even break bread with; and those younger as well. My taste in girl friends and men are now balanced on wisdom, intelligence and loyalty to social justice issues. As for cat-calls, it never bothered me, often done in cultural fun of those decades. Some were just funny. Anything stronger I did not tolerate then or now, and I speak up. This is the first decade that I have wished I could do my life over with the knowledge I have learned, yet I am still learning. However, I share my thoughts and my life and what I know of my parent's, grandparents' life with my children. If we don't impart who we are to them, where we came from, what worth are we to horde our memories, knowledge and perspective? I feel fortunate. I feel positive. I feel joy when a surprise hits. I feel confident and happy to be alive. Carpe Diem.
18
The author seems to be speaking for a lucky subset of women: healthy, wealthy and wise. There are also those of us who have hit 70 after being unemployed for more than five years (ageism), and thus have exhausted our savings. Those of us who have spent time on walkers because of bad backs and hips, have had surgeries and physical therapy to straighten us out, but have moved several times in search of work leaving family and friends behind, who have no husband, no home with paid-off mortgage, no siblings to rely on for support. Facing these years with happiness for us is a choice but also a struggle.
It costs no money to look out a window at a blue sky, but it costs something to have that window. It costs money to replace a computer and a TV, as essential to life in the sticks as a car. Dining out with friends isn’t a choice if you can only afford tuna fish at home. My friends and I exchange favorite TV series as well as names of good books. At a distance, because I cannot afford to live in the city I love. I’m not unhappy. I’ll settle for that. I also take antidepressants.
109
@Linda Lee
I was intending to make the same points, but you put it much better than I could. Thanks. Not everyone matches the reader assumed here. Probably not most of us.
46
Beautifully written. I hope there will be a male equivalent by somebody at some point. While much of what's written here is applicable to men, there are gender-specific (or gender-weighted) issues, particularly stopping of work which is a huge part of male identity. The decline of sexual interest and/or ability may also be more traumatic to a man - again, because of having based more of his identity on this.
Women have an advantage in aging in that they are demonstrably more concerned with relationships all through their lives, and these are still possible in old age, albeit with loss of people who were close being no small thing.
Men are more concerned (not uniquely, but more) with accomplishment and agency, which will decrease with age. And we've gone through life being much more... (how shall I say?) so-so at building and maintaining relationships, so we may have less emotional support. Women are smarter about this than men - to our detriment.
15
Many have noted here the absence of mention of those in poverty or poor health, but, strikingly, no mention of what might be the contribution of the grannies to battles for changes in the world around us and the one that we will leave to make it better. Wisdom for individuals is fine, but where is view of community?
11
@esthermiriam excuse me, but is every woman over 60 a "grannie"? Why are women over 60 seen as "grannies" and not as individual people?
13
Thanks for this article, with which I agree and vehemently disagree. Many of us have NOT capped a distinguished career—at least not the one we had aimed at. Some of us do not have one, never mind, two or three, generations of progeny. Some of us (just like the author) are still striving and creating. And some of us have not given up on sex and romance!
30
My husband died of cancer when we were both in our forties. I remember our last year together, when we knew he was dying, as one in which we lived in what I can only describe as a state of grace, a precious and concentrated present moment in which we unconsciously set aside all the differences of a long marriage and were simply happy together in the time we had left. Now that I am over 70, and my present partner 80, and we are experiencing the physical diminutions of old age and, again and again, the loss of old friends, I often feel something of that same paradoxical concentration of happiness. I think that knowing we don’t have much time left moves me to make the most of what there is and to be thoroughly in my life while I still have it.
38
Wow as a mid 40's guy this is the best article I've read so far this year! Insightful and heartwarming and will share with my kids.
I get that there are different perspectives but shocked to see so much negativity in the comments...c'mon people...
14
A beautiful essay to which I can certainly relate. At age 76, I have found that the best years of my life have been from 60 to now. The author is correct, however, in that ageism is a problem many of us must face. Well-meaning people call me "Miss Mary", and I have to tell them to call me Mary. The parents of some of my students (Yes, I am still working and loving it) express concern for me, but that is fine. I love being busy and doing what pleases me - learning languages, taking online courses... What other people think no longer bothers me. And, yes, I wear purple and a variety of other bright colors.
12
I join with a few other men who have noted that the article applies as well to us as to women. In my late 70s, I find myself interested and involved with a wide circle of friends, enjoying my grown-up children and my grandchildren.
Fortunately, I am not in any financial distress. And that's an important point. Worrying about money is debilitating and can make enjoying life very difficult.
Yes, we suffer more illness and injury as we age and we lose friends and relatives. But we keep on keeping on and enjoy our longer lives. I'm grateful.
23
I don't understand what the statement; when my husband gets “cheap”. What does that mean?
On hitting my 60's, after all the hard work my wife and I did to raise independent, successful children, one aspect of a 40 year old marriage I could not take anymore is the competition between us. That conflict was derived from the Truman to Trump gender role expectations.
Our second daughter pointed out that she had several friends who had parents that traded traditional gender roles on parenting, like we did. A great compliment. I am very proud of myself on how I parented outside the gender box you created with that dig at your husband. That hit me like a brick.
Reading your great essay about self-realization after a fruitful life left me feeling that my road to self realization was on track.
But the "cheap shot" at your husband showed some true colors. What a downer. Any joy you may think you have is poisoned by the disdain you have for your husband. You will have no joy until that is resolved.
4
I’ve reread this essay 3 additional times to understand your comment and can find nothing stating or implying a husband who is “cheap”. Can you clarify?
8
Until a few years ago (when they changed to an updated ticket-collection system), if you sat in the cafe car, drinking tea and reading a book, you could ride for FREE on Amtrak between NYC and Rhode Island -- once you became a middle-aged woman. The conductors would walk right by, and you could later turn in the ticket for a refund. This could go on for years!
Don't ask me how I know this. . .
28
yes! not just Amtrak, New Jersey Transit and the Long Island Railroad have lost a lot of money by walking right by me. In my seventies I used to go after them and say Here's my ticket but now that I'm 81 I could care less; if you don't see me, I don't see you.
24
This woman is old enough to be my mother and, believe me, I’ve lived through more pain, illness, death and tragedy than she has. It doesn’t make you more serene. It just gives you PTSD. Please, spare me the gold-spun wisdom and benefits of old age. I’ve been old since I was a teen. That makes me about 100 years old right now. I’ll tell you what it really makes you: tired, really tired.
75
@Lucia
The author is indeed writing from a fortunate point of view. Surely she has had her heartbreaks and various struggles, but has basically been a victor.
I agree, there IS an aspect of "gold-spun wisdom and benefits" in this writing, and those who do acquire this are fortunate. As I continue to age, I do sometimes think, "Why don't I feel much of that 'older but wiser serenity' so often written about?"' Serenity is NOT an abundant feeling for me, you, or many others.
While our attitudes have a lot to do with this, and often need to be struggled with, the fact is that not everyone has done as well in life as others. This can make a huge difference in how we experience old age.
Yes, among other things, life can simply make you really tired. Lucia, you are not alone!
31
At 71 I got my first tattoo; last month I put a purple streak in my hair; and last year I hiked Fitzroy. I don't wear makeup and I've gained a few pounds but I travel when I want and where I want with my husband of 43 years.
14
@Ellen
Great if these things are who you are. But be aware, even if you don't care about others' opinions, that others may see this as 'trying a little too hard' to deny reality.
Maybe women can get away with this more, I don't know. I am sure though that if started trying to look and act like a rock star as a 68 year old man, most people would think, 'What a fool!' and I wouldn't blame them.
6
My mother died a month after her 79th birthday and 10 days after falling and breaking her hip.
In my last conversation with her, we talked about age. She told me that she never thought of herself
as being old--until she looked in the mirror. It was always a surprise.
26
"Our happiness is built by attitude and intention. Attitude is not everything, but it’s almost everything."
This is an incredibly shallow and privileged viewpoint. Is that what clinical psychologists do, attitude adjustments for the well-to-do?
I'm a relatively happy 70-year-old woman, but it's because I was lucky, not because I'm so smart and wise.
80
As someone here said, we all choose to age in our own way. I will add, IF we are lucky.
So far, I am lucky. I will be 68 in May...not yet “old”, but certainly no longer young or even middle-aged.
I appreciate this essay...I do remind myself that I am privileged to be able to relax and make my own decisions about my life, even in the face of inevitable issues that must be faced. I remind myself daily that I am blessed.
22
Thank you for this wonderful article! It is a joy to read. I am having the time of my life in my mid-70s. While meeting my favorite nephew for lunch after my retirement, the first thing he said was, "Wow! You've never looked like this!" Gone the stress lining the face, gone the not-so-subtle glances at my watch in order to be on time for the next appointment, gone the fear and anxiety I hid behind formal business attire. Free at last!
19
As I read through this piece of pernicious claptrap, I figured that the author had been in psychoanalysis for years. When I got to the end, I found out that my theory had been outdistanced by the reality: the author is herself a psychologist. Even better.
Why claptrap? As I approach 70, I cannot claim to be happy; I have not found the secret of contentment. There have been too many losses in my life. My sense that life is fragile, a sense that came into being whole when my father died young while mowing the lawn, makes me worry about those whom I love and their safety and happiness. I have a disabled son, and I worry constantly about his fate once I am no longer here to take care of him. I worry that my daughter will decide that the world faces imminent destruction and that she will not have children as a result. I cannot leave those concerns behind to find contentment in loving caterpillars.
Why pernicious? As many therapists do, this author portrays happiness as a matter of will. I am not happy (or content), despite the many blessings that I am fully aware that I enjoy. If happiness is a matter of will, then I am a failure. Great. I really needed another way to feel like a failure. It's very constructive. Maybe I would stop feeling like a failure if I paid therapists to tell me to be happy. But I can't afford it.
94
I'm curious the role that immediate family has in a person's happiness as they reach their 70s. That is to say; many adults, and some studies support that notion that "childfree" (i.e. childless by choice) couples are happier than adults with children.
I wonder about this, and feel as a married 43 year old man, with a young child, that being a parent is very hard (it is and I love it - it's the greatest blessing of my life).
Many couples who report they "regret" having a child; are they just bogged down by the in the day-to-day rut of middle-age child rearing and family life, then expressing that frustration?
I wonder. How many of those childfree by choice couples, who are happy today, will be woefully unhappy when they're in their 70s?
Now, I know having children doesn't ensure that your family will stand by you your whole life, nor will always maintain a great relationship, but I ask the readers and commenters this:
When asking a 70+ year old, what are the chances they'll say: "I regret having children"?
I imagine, most 70+ year old "childfree by choice" people will say: "My biggest regret is not having children".
What do you think?
4
I’m a never married single childless woman in my 70s and do NOT regret not having children.
I’m not selfish, just realistic. I’ve never had a maternal urge,get more excited seeing puppies or kittens, and politely admire and exclaim over friends’ babies.
38
@Jason 73/ divorced twice/ no children by choice and have very little family. i love my life and of course have some regrets but not having kids is not one of them. i have and loves dogs. i live in rural vermont where it is like living in an artwork. am active and lucky enough not to have to worry about $$ which is a godsend as others have mentioned here. also i have followed the advice of my father upon my mother's death. 'you just have to keep going.' life is what it is and the game is not what you're dealt but how you play the hand. so far it's worked for me.
22
@Jason No regret here. Mid-70's. Great 50-year marriage still going strong. People who want children would probably be unhappy without them, and, Jason, obviously you're one of them. But not everyone is the same.
15
Although I applaud the author for a positive message about aging as a woman in our society, I find the message is somewhat cliche and not representative of the complexities and contradictions inherent in navigating this terrain. As I approach 70 I can honestly say I am happier than ever. That despite the fact that I often despair in the decline of the physical. I've taken good care of myself, but my previously small waist is nowhere to be found. As a writer, I still work from home, in gym clothes most days, but as a girly-girl I still love getting made-up to go out evenings with my husband of 41 years. Catcalls were the bane of my everyday existence a a pretty young woman. I never though I'd miss them and I don't exactly, but I don't enjoy the invisibility and public sexlessness that has replaced them. We're all complicated creatures and I think this opinion piece would have been more effective had the "we" been replaced with "I." I know too many women who don't fit this mold.
35
I highly recommend Pipher’s book The Green Boat in order to navigate the emotions felt as a climate change activist. She and her neighbors should be lauded for their efforts to keep the XL Pipeline out of Nebraska.
13
At this age one has finally embraced the concept that enough is as good as a feast.
30
Thank you for this magnificent call to joy.
The other day I described myself to a young woman as old, and she quickly corrected me and said you are only as old as you feel. I don't need to be coddled or made to feel as if there is a crime in being old. I love being old! I like to call this glorious age I've reached a true gift. I'll be 70 in a minute. Never felt more alive or free. I love that you describe gratitude a survival skill. There is a light switch inside of us, a quick flick and the light comes on. Voila! There is beauty in our lives and in our deaths. There is happiness and then there is joy. The gift of life is us. And our openness to all of life's mysteries. A magnificent snowy day, let's all stay warm and safe.
20
For those about to join the septuagenarians' club, here's an idea. Tell family and friends that you don't want any presents. Instead, ask all of the important people in your life to hand write (or type) you an actual letter (on actual paper) on a topic of their choice (shared memories, secrets, religion, politics, anything). Ask them to put the letter in a real envelope and mail it to you (no emails or texts) with a real stamp. I have never had so much fun opening my mail and reading all the fascinating letters I received.
41
Great idea!
8
Ah, sex. Perhaps only in our post-hormonal years can we stand back and see how it clouds our minds. Nature in her wisdom selected sexual procreation as the best way for life to extend into the future, making it an instinctive super priority. From the bowerbird to the CEO, all we males swim in our half of the breeding compulsions - looks, strength, competitiveness, aggressiveness, and all the pecking order contrivances males use to play our roles in life. When we finally timeout of the hormone game, there is a kind of emancipation. Women seem to appreciate this much more than men, at least based on my old guy peer group.
27
I'm a male about to turn 60. This piece is nicely written but sad. Other than to imply that males are simply out to harass females for sex, we are not mentioned among any of the 'joys' of life. We are not mentioned at all. It is as though we are to be shed of before a woman can find happiness. Two points: spending time with my wife is the best part of my life. She is as fascinating, beautiful and charming as she was the day we met. Watching a caterpillar is fascinating, but so much moreso if I do it with her. We are 'programmed' to enjoy companionship of the sex we are attracted to and the fact that the author only mentions men in a negative light leaves out a lot (the majority I hope) of women who enjoy being around men. Which brings me to point two: is it being overly sensitive to ask that the next time a female author is tempted to make a blanket statement about men, turn it around, make it about women, pretend a man is writing it, and ask yourself what the reaction might be.
28
@Zack
"Many of us have a shelterbelt of good friends and long-term partners. There is a sweetness to 50-year-old friendships and marriages that can’t be described in language. We know each other’s vulnerabilities, flaws and gifts; we’ve had our battles royal and yet are grateful to be together. A word or a look can signal so much meaning." She includes friendships, but I think this is about those of us with dear husbands. Also I think it is an essay for women, I am sorry -- I see your point, and still I love what the article gives me.
10
You apparently missed where she mentioned 50 year old marriages. And not loving catcalls doesn’t mean one doesn’t love men. But this was primarily about women growing old, with those particular challenges etc. the fact that a man would read it and take issue about men not being prominently featured in it precisely illustrates some of the male gaze/opinion we are glad to let go. And perhaps you should reflect on the fact there are far more older women alone than men due to life expectancy. It’s quite helpful to read something on a women’s perspective on the grace of growing old whether or not with a male partner.
19
@Zack
Don't feel left out. The author is giving HER view, her thoughts. The article is not a personal negative attack. This ain't about you. There is an invisibility that women can feel as they get older. Some women, like myself, are unfazed about whether or not we are sexy to men. Period. And the harassment of our gender from girlhood until we become less sexually appealing, like in old age, is a phenomena that can only be appreciated by women. Don't get me started. We don't have to pretend a man wrote this piece. A woman wrote it about women. Write your own ode to joy. I'd be interested in reading it. Please include all the harassment you had to face because of your gender: in the home, in the schoolyard, in the workplace, in college, and walking down a street. Being told that you'll never amount to anything because you are a woman and best to stay at home. I love being around men as long as they respect me as a human and not a conquest, and at my age conquests are mostly imagined, but the feeling of salacious male predators seems to linger on.
24
I'll be 72 this week. And I am healthy, as is my husband. We 're financially secure and both our kids are doing well - as far as we can tell. To say that we are fortunate would be an understatement. I'm grateful for my life and I try to remember that others are not as lucky as we are.
23
This woman writes beautifully and lyrically about the human condition. I am 72, and I can 'dig it'.
13
These sentiments are true for men as well. At 68, I’ve discovered more genuine serenity than I ever thought possible. The key is calmly letting the ego begin to melt away.
25
Hasn't Mary Pipher done a wonderful job of describing the gifts that can come with being old!
Not only gratifying for those of us who are passed the midpoints of our lives, but this is a perfect piece to be read by any younger woman who might be dismayed at finding their first gray hairs or wrinkles. Yes, the dewy freshness may be fading, and the perky parts may be drooping a bit, but our sisters need to know about the peace and happiness that lay in store for them down the road.
I look forward to Ms. Pipher's book, it's bound to be a gem I'll share with my daughters, who'd do well to hear someone else telling them it's not only okay to be old, it's also something they can to look forward to.
7
The author does not mention financial independence. Many women in their 70's now know the freedom from fear of being financially dependent.
5
All I can say is you have a fortunate group of friends. This month I will turn 74 and it will barely be acknowledged. I have friends but they all live far away. I don't dwell of the beauty of youth but the agency youths have. The time to make mistakes that can be fixed, the dreams that might be accomplished. I made a mistake moving to Asheville, NC. It is a lovely little city but it is not for me. With limited finances I am stuck. There just is not anyone to help me get unstuck. I was once pretty courageous and had belief in my ability to change and move on. Not anymore and it makes me sad. I can find joy in walking through the woods looking deeply and in reading a good book. All is not lost, but too much has been to relate to this Pollyanna article.
95
I belong to a group of older women who would have been in your spot but they looked on Meetup.org and found a friendship group for women. Book clubs, mahjong, walking and a monthly birthday club have spun off. We are all different and have to sometimes overlook politics, philosophies etc but it feels like family where you treasure the good. This is in Idaho but I strongly recommend looking on meetup for a group in your area. If not, see if your library has book clubs. Ours has several. If you start with a regular group and then suggest movies or cards etc you might find you’ll get to a group that celebrates birthday lunches with wacky cards like ours....good luck!
31
@Laurel McGuire As a woman in my mid 60s I love reading biology textbooks, scientific works, evolution books, black history tomes, and antiquarian classics in my wonderful sporting library of African and Asian big game hunting books. I don't think I'm going to find many book clubs willing to read "The Cambrian Explosion", "Incidents in the Life of an Elephant Hunter", or "Behave: The Biology of Humans at our Best and Worst", at least not outside of university!
8
This is such a beautiful piece... deeply appreciated. I am turning 50 this year and this article speaks to so many thoughts and life observations I’ve been having recently. It really just encapsulates the loveliness of ‘being older’ that I find myself surprisingly open to embracing. Thank you<3
5
Life is, indeed, a journey! A journey that I find fascinating, never boring and uplifting! I recently married my domestic partner, whom I have been with for 9 years! We are both in our 70’s, and are enjoying our life in Florida. Aging does have its downsides, but I have found these downsides are pervasive throughout one’s life. What’s in store for the coming years? A life filled with passion for my loved ones; passion for continuing to create art; and passion for doing what I can to help preserve our environment. There is a lot to do with our remaining years. Let’s get to it!!!
8
This is a wonderful article, I am very happy to be 75. I have been blessed with a fairly happy life, a wonderful husband, the joys of my children and grandchildren, and especially wonderful friends to share laughter with.
The reality is that women have always been confined in a very tight box of what is expected of us, to obey and comply to the wishes of men. If we are lucky enough to live into our seventies we can caste off some of these shackles. It makes me very angry to see my American moving backwards in regard to women. We deserve the freedom to be "me".
We have spendable income and healthcare, without these elements all the rest is much more difficult if not impossible for 70 year old men and women.
15
I think this describes an acceptance that can be achieved in many ways; the author happened to get there through longevity - and perhaps by escaping from the demands and expectations of others.
5
This year I turned 60. Born homely and timid in a world that favored beautiful and brave women (but mostly beautiful), I became both. What our society doesn't realize is that women have been adapting their entire lives, building resilience and survival skills our male compatriots never had to develop. And so it's ironic that while we are still valued less in our culture, the skills we have are valued more from an evolutionary perspective. We now live longer than men, so we'll see who has the last laugh in centuries to come. I'll be long gone, but it's why I'm hopeful for my nieces and their progeny.
17
This is a sort of Hallmark version of aging, isn't it? There are echoes here of the "face-booking" of life that so many people practice today, disengaging from reality to post their daily updates about adoring partners, successful offspring, and otherwise trouble-free lives.
Compare this picture of +70 women who are, for the most part, in good health, secure relationships, and comfortable environments with the other population of older women whose sunny dispositions have been crushed by their daily struggles with poverty, injustice, loneliness, and poor health.
What's bothering me is a sort of smug assumption that it's their own fault if they're not happy. Ageism is real, and women are its primary victims. Isn't it much the same to suggest we pretend otherwise as it was, in an earlier time, to flatter those of us who embraced the gender-based constraints and limitations imposed by society?
155
I happen to be in better shape physically and mentally at 66 than I was in my 20s-and I feel way more attractive as well
When I was put on medication for cholesterol and blood pressure in my late 40s I “blamed” genetics-instead of myself-and started eating better and excercising (yoga/dance fitness/walking) on a regular basis where I found confidence, community and support from other women of all ages
One thing that I don’t do is...hide behind layers of clothing, oversize jewelry, lots of makeup and tons of accessories or the opposite...the “uniform” I see everywhere-baggy clothing, clunky comfy shoes, dull colors, scarves etc regardless of the temperature and/or where people live The “I give up” look.
I feel less invisible at this stage of my life because of a few very do-able choices not to be...a great haircut and some simple go-to accessories, natural looking makeup (takes me five minutes) keeps things uncomplicated and I do wear clothing that I find comfortable and appropriate and shows off the best features of my body...form fitting but not revealing, and
I’m upbeat and outgoing wherever I go
I will continue to move through life this way...If others have to look at me it’s the least I can do...and not worry too much about whether anyone “notices”
Feeling invisible...like so many things...is a choice and so is one’s response to others’ reactions
17
You speak of happiness a lot. Happiness is not a very worthy goal. It can be granted by circumstance, and taken away quite quickly and completely by factors outside our control.
How nice that you have found an abundance of happiness in your life. For many, old age is characterized by pain, privation, loss, loneliness, neglect, and despair. And grinding poverty. For them, seeing a caterpillar in the garden does not cut it.
To your credit, I did not detect much of the, "I've been very fortunate..." humble-bragging about your financial independence. But clearly, as a professional with a professional's salary, your experience is not widely shared in this country. From down here in the socioeconomic rank known as "poverty" (or it's analogue, the "lower middle class," where struggle and uncertainty reigns), it is easy to imagine that your privileged position gives you plenty of opportunity for contemplation and self-examination, and that you find satisfaction there. Perhaps other similarly privileged readers can relate. Most of your fellow citizens might find it hard to do so.
105
@William Romp
I know a cleaning lady. Making minimum wage. She’s a widow, a member of the working poor, who moved from PA to the Midwest about a year ago. For many years she’s worked as a Nurses Aide, but her credentials are not accepted in WI. She’s in her late 40’s - at least, but she’s happy, joyful, not despondent.
Next week she’s moving from a cleaning job to a nursing type role - within the same retirement community, where i live and she works.
She’s black. She’s bright. She is joy to know! She looks forward to caring for patients again. She’ll take some course here and get whatever certification she needs.
Wisdom comes to rich and poor.
This woman will likely age gracefully. Joyfully. She may not have wealth. But she has inner richness. She has already suffered the loss of her husband. She’s assured me I will weather the impending loss of mine.
I love this lady! I treasure knowing her.
32
@William Romp William, I believe you misapprehend the meaning of the essay. Happiness is not "granted" or "taken away" by circumstances - happiness is an emotion that we create - or not - within ourselves. Thus, the "glass-half-full/half empty" concept.
14
I wanted to like this, since I am close approaching this territory, but Pipher's outlook is too saccharine for my taste. In many ways I am more centered and know myself much more than ever before in my life. I am also more my core self, with no apologies. I can be caustic, but with a humorous edge (I hope). I try to keep my advice to myself, but it's always simmering under the surface. But my need for other people in my life is minimal, and I feel great about that now, after years of wondering "what's wrong with me," because I recently learned I am an introvert. That has been my recent awakening. So when I read about "rich web of female friends" I shudder instead of kvell. Not everyone is down for a coffee klatch and chit-chat at every moment, thank god. This opinion piece talks about older women like we are monolithic. I wish to gracefully decline.
162
I, another introvert, agree. Now that I don’t HAVE to interact with people I can be my authentic self. In that I have found contentment.
31
It is fashionable to declare the joys or angst of every decade or phase of life. Women in their 70's don't care how they look anymore? Give me a break. Why explore how 70's are any different in terms of seeking joy than any other phase of life?
Life evolves as we age and we all seek meaning and joy in ways that are meaningful based in our individual values and beliefs.
25
Thanks Mary. I love my mid-70s life. Every day I watch out my window as a river flows by, sometimes roaring down from the falls up- river; sometimes languidly making its way to the Atlantic. I think of myself as a drop in a flowing river of humanity and I smile. It is so good not to stand out or be noticed.
9
Great article. I couldn't help but think that nearly all of this applies to men, too. And by talking about "women" experiencing these things, we are further distancing men from fully developing their own humanity.
10
@Amy Luna You're right - much of it does apply to men, except the part about "the male gaze." I think it's ok to have an article for and about women. Nothing to stop men from reading it and gaining and understanding of women. :)
5
Do joy and 70 belong in the same sentence? It sure depends, doesn’t it?
My family had a 70th birthday party for me. I really despised the thought of turning 70 at all. There was just something about splitting from the 60’s that seemed so profound. Maybe because the next step would be facing the 80’s in all reality, and that seemed impossible.
The party was lovely. The venue would only allow 50 people, so the choices for invitations were profound. I found myself looking at such important people in my life - not because of economic status or fame, but because these people were in the midst of my heart and soul, my being. My family and best friends were in this room all at the same time, even for a few hours. They surrounded my spirit. Joy.
Then, ironically right after this joyous occasion, I had an injury which required immobility and I was in immense pain, what seemed like a long time. I turned from that joyous happy person into someone I hardly externally or internally recognized. I promised to be more understanding of those with disabilities, and shamed myself, even as a nurse, I had not in all those years, “gotten it” - what it means to suffer and relinquish independence, what isolation, physical and mentally, was all about.
Now, recovered, I’m a better 70 year old. I think I’m more grateful. I think my priorities are set straight a bit better.
And one thing, when my husband gets “cheap” - he’s getting put in his place. Life might just be that day.
597
@MIMA You're brave. No one knows I'm 69 except maybe HR, the IRS and my doctor. I have not celebrated a birthday in ten years. I dread turning 70 except for social security and mandatory withdrawals. I'm not even on medicare yet. Not sure if age is just a number, because ageism is rampant, but I'm doing my best to keep it quiet.
40
I didn’t want anybody to know I was “70” I guess either. The injury was a truth slap in my face. It’s not the “number” that matters. We just need to figure out who we really are, what’s important, and why. That can happen at any age. It just took me a little longer. Now I don’t care how old I am. I do care if I can hear my husband laugh, see my kids and grandkids, take care of my ailing senior dog and cajole him, take a ride to favorite places independently, look forward to spring and digging my hands til filthy in my garden. send cards to my friends, serve on a couple community boards, and waltz into a movie theater in the winter. Going without sometimes helps our perspective.
50
@mary rivka
I hope there will be other commenters who recommend that you sign up for Medicare, even though you may not currently need it. Otherwise you will be penalized if you delay. I have a friend, worked into her mid-seventies before signing up for Medicare and was naturally upset that she was penalized.
It doesn’t make sense but it is a fact.
141
For the next two months I will continue to be 68. I had a brush with death a decade ago, and got out of a very unhappy marriage more recently than that. Gratitude is my spiritual practice, along with laughter. Most days things are very good, although I sometimes feel lonely. I am calmer and more confident than I've ever been. I still hope that I will find true love. I know that might sound unrealistic, but I haven't given up! Oh, and I'll be working at a job I love for another ten years or so. I admit to being old (on paper!), but I won't be ready to be aged for another 20 or 25 years.
418
@gloryb
I love my calm and wisdom that arrives with age and I wouldn't go back one day. I have learned what is important and important to me. I take my time. I still work and hope to retire soon so I may spend time with family and friends learning, rekindling old friendships and appreciatining each day. My spouse helps with those things too. So happy after 30 years together.
We still struggle, but like the butterfly out of the cocoon, the struggle made us stronger, smarter and wiser. Love life while you have it. Let joy and goodness be my mantra. I excercise, meditate and read, am relearning Spanish and love the sun and ocean. I worked so hard my whole life, since 14, and now am reaping the rewards.
26
@gloryb Congratulations, keep on, keep on!
9
@gloryb
18 or 80, there's always someone coming around the corner!
24
Thank you, Mary. As I approach the 70 milestone later this month, I can relate to your finely crafted words and thoughts.
I appreciate your putting into perspective many of the feelings I have.
Onward and upward is my motto.
5
As a 75-year old male, I can say that Ms. Pipher's article applies to men as much as to women. Largely the same issues, same experiences for both sexes at this age. The need for sex shifts to appreciation of closeness and deep understanding of one' s mate. The verities of human experience become clearer, more accessible, and more important. The effluvia of life recede and the fundamental parts become more important. It' a good life if you let it in. OK as far as that goes, but the Ms. Pipher doesn't get to hard parts - coping with loss of friends, loss of former power \ skills \ connections, the fact that simple tasks of daily living and housekeeping get more and more difficult. There's a lot of sadness and decline that we have to absorb. That's tough and there is no way around having to face up to our mortality.
884
@FDW. I think the author very much "gets" the hard parts of life and directed her essay to that very issue. All the "hard parts" that you mention in. your comment are the things we all must face. Practicing gratefulness, intention and attention (living in the present moment) assists us in finding peace, contentment and joy in the face of and in the midst of the "hard parts."
63
@FDWI agree with you. The pain and loss I have experienced in the last 10 years, but especially in the last 2 (I’m 72), have floored me. The loss of parents, my cancer diagnosis followed within 4 months by my husband’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, have me reeling. Sometimes I think that I just want to stay home where it is ‘safe.’ I used to be able to appreciate the beauty in the world, etc. right now I am overwhelmed and must WORK HARD to move forward and appreciate the moment.
81
Every day still brings new revelations. Most of what you thought was important turned out not to be. This is strangely freeing.
Being physically active, if possible, greatly improves quality of life. Being grateful probably helps. Everything is temporary. Enjoy it now. There will eventually be very bad news from a doctor.
Money is a cushion for the inevitable discomforts.
Interesting perspective, but the author does not seem to realize her great privilege.
31
Interesting. I am happy and content myself. That said, I found some of the article to be describing an ideal. I do know that many women are in the place described, but I also know many others who are not. Some carry a lack of emotional health into the later years; others never really learned to cope with life's rough spots; still others spend their 60s and beyond trying to convince themselves and those around them that 60 or 70 is "the new 40," i.e., that they are not really getting old.
Sometimes I surprise myself when I feel that I've had a good life, as there have been some truly rough times (as in a decade or more) - and some significant losses. Yet, somehow I seem to see the positive, the advantages I have been lucky enough to have, and even the 'good' side of bad experiences (things I learned, people I met, the uniqueness of the experience). Whether that is partly pre-aged personality or partly the result of getting older I have no idea.
440
Thank you for this wonderful essay. It perfectly reflects my own journey and where I am hoping to daily live - in peace, contentment, and joy - despite life circumstances that I have allowed to derail me in the past. As the author suggests, you don't arrive at peace and gratitude without daily attention and intention to do so. Life is often hard. But we can choose not to experience it that way.
5
I in my 70's (77 in March) and love your Opinion Piece, Mary.
I became severely disabled, in my 70's, from a chronic condition, and I'm in pain, most of the time. My condition continues to damage more and more parts of my body, as well.
And yet, I experience joy and serenity most of the time.
One amazing resource I rely upon is my psychotherapist, whom I see weekly. With him I am able to 'reset' my attitude, as needed, every week.
Another resource is Toni Bernhard's book "How to Be Sick". Toni applies the precepts of Zen Buddhism to the experiences of chronic illness. I often return to this book because it shows me the way to peace of mind.
And finally, I have an online community of those who share my chronic illness. Women, for the most part in their 60's and 70's, who experience the freedom and joy of learning to live with the reality of life, and to find satisfaction in their lives. We know the importance of shared experience and mutual support.
16
I am a divorced woman who just turned 74 and one week ago my best friend and I celebrated our 50th friendiversary from the day we met on the job. We celebrated in downtown Portland, kicked up our heels, drank lots of champagne, laughed, reminisced and spent the night in a lovely hotel. You have put into words exactly what I believe and feel in my soul. Last week I also celebrated my retirement from a full time career as a mental health registered nurse. I am excited about the possibilities that lie ahead and plan to return to school and work part time in a different field. I feel fortunate to be able to live in a time when older women are valued and respected for their knowledge, wisdom and history. We now have women in our Congress in their late 70s and that requires no further comment. Thank you for your article. The timing was perfect and I consider it an anniversary gift to my my friend and I.
858
I enjoyed your essay. However, I do feel a bit anxious, "depressed?" down? when my contemporaries, Nancy Wilson, Aretha Franklyn, Ntozake Shange, Whitney Houston, leave, die. Music I enjoy, John Coltrane, Billie Holiday, Tito Puente, Miles Davis, Max Roach, Art Barkley, and such, well, these folks too are "gone". So I started listening to current music. I have medical challengers but I am active. I swim at least four times weekly, walk frequently, Zumba once weekly, walk our dog daily, and I am attempting Yoga, Pickleball and dancing lessons. I read, read, ( I recently became a member of a book club.) play my keyboard, journal, volunteer, teach, 12 hours weekly, I don't need the money, I buy folks: friends, grand children, husband gifts and treat myself to good, cups of coffee. I reach out to my contempraries, but they seemed "annoyed". (They spend time eating out, their money on getting their hair done, wigs, make-up and nails. (They, don't engage in physical activities. But I accept what I can, from them, phone calls, and card games, now and then. ) I am fashionable but I don't spend time or money on make up, nails and hair. I share with my 60 year old Niece, and friends who are 10 to 15 years younger than myself. I attend church, travel, try, to live in the moment. I have learned that life is indeed a journey, (not a cliche) and although my road, travels, have frequently been rocky, I have survived. I pray for a few more years.
463
@Kenya
Norman Leer said "I am as old as my peers." Your youthful engagement with others sounds similiar to Mr. Leers. Your peers can be whomever you choose be they younmg or old and be you, young or older! Enjoy your life!
26
@Kenya may you have many more happy years.
26
@Kenya I'd love to be your fried! Believe me, no wigs here! But then again, no "our" dog, no swimming, no money for all kinds of lessons. I do need the money. I spend my time with my new beloved (what a miracle, I will be 72 next month), working, and being active in regards to the devastation that is being wrought upon us, and trying to dream up a better world.
41
Mary Pipher first touched me with her intelligent book, Hunger Pains. I had the pleasure of hearing her speak, once in Lincoln, NE and once at the American Psychological Association meetings in San Francisco. I admire her understated style and insightful perspective. I am also in her age cohort. I look forward to this next book.
3
Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Maybe it's because I'm quickly approaching a birthday that brings me closer to that 70 mark, or maybe it's because I am experiencing those simple pleasures. The line from aunt Grace hit home and now I understand a long past mentor who told me I needed to know "what to want". Thank you.
3
I personally am discovering the joy of minimalism.
What irony. I worked hard all my life to acquire all the "stuff" I thought I needed to be happy, but now these possessions just clutter my life and weigh me down.
At 70, I am downsizing and recycling/donating massive amounts of "stuff" to charity. It's exhilarating to feel so"freed up" from these material possessions and no longer have the compulsion to buy.
Less is truly more.
26
I'm a 70-year old male who just lost the love of his life through brain cancer. I found this article, though directed at women in their 70s, tremendously comforting. It will take some time to go through the grieving, but I hope to learn that "happiness is a skill and a choice" even without her in my life.
1446
@Dean I lost my husband a year ago. Of all that I read looking for balance and comfort, this from a grief therapist helped most: "I accept that my life will be changed by my loss, but that it is still my life."
300
Rejoice through all circumstances sir. Praying for an abundance love and happiness for you.
43
@Dean
Your comment shows you are already on the right path, Bon courage.
72
My aunt Carmela was the happiest person on the planet. She is my role model. Gone at 89 a few months short of her 90th birthday. Carmela loved everyone and made us all feel welcomed, loved and appreciated. She was the family's Santa at Christmas, at family picnics she let us kids run like a wild pack of wolves around her yard and made all the adults laugh with her incredible sense of humor. Carmela's life was from from perfect. Her husband died from alcoholism at age 58, she took a job as a school janitor because she needed the money and liked the kids. When her son was diagnosed with AIDS at age 37, she took him into her home and lovingly care for him. She was something else. I miss her.
1318
@Cascadia
what a lady! i miss her too
27
@Cascadia
I'm so glad you wrote this.
So many responses have assumed that making any life expanding decisions - ones that leave us happier - are impossible for anyone who isn't "privileged,' or for anyone who has been faced with hard life circumstances. Aunt Carmela shows you can maintain openness and generosity of spirit even in the face of adversity.
85
@cheryl you were very lucky
20
Over the course of a long marriage, sex has changed of course. One commenter writes that the men her age reach for Viagra and chase women much younger. I have not seen as many ads lately for Cialis or Viagra. Maybe it was tried and found wanting. My partner has sleep apnea, arrythmia and afib but does not want ot give up on sex. The writer Nadine Gordimer, in reviewing Phillip Roth, calls this "the last kick of the prostate". The bible exhorts, "Remember the wife of your youth". We have time, we have the place to ourselves. We are used to eachother. We know how to talk about sex. So it happens.
12
Amen, sister!
5
What a mess of nonsense! Has this clinical psychologist ever actually left her office and seen what's going on out here among the old people of the planet?
We're living in dumps. We need jobs, and no one will hire us. We need health care, and can't pay for it. We need to be listened to and not be shoved out of the way. We want be included and you insult us.
What does "spiritual and emotional growth" mean? And who gives a rat's poot about it all? I refuse to want less than I ever wanted. What kind of nincompoop would do that?
31
@Rea Tarr
I loved that you said you refuse to want less than you ever wanted. While what I want may be different from what it once was, I too refuse to want less!
10
This article is interesting but too full of "feeling good" sentences. Each day, each month, each year for each person is different and full of challenges, issues and perhaps some joy. Yes, it is up to the individual to find and define our own contentment. But how many of us in our 70s have the luxury of wealth and health to enjoy each day without worrying about expenses and medical bills, or have the luxury of an education and sophistication to analyze our state of mind in order to be in the moment and enjoy what we have and be grateful for what we have. It seems to me that this book is written for wealthier, healthier, sophisticated women who have the time to analyze their life. One more item I disagree with - just because a woman is 70 plus doesn't mean she isn't interested or doesn't care about her looks. If we are honest with ourselves, we all care about our looks. No matter what we say, our looks define our present and future state in society.
37
“Without self-knowledge, without understanding the working and functions of his being, man
cannot be free, he cannot govern himself and he will always remain a slave, and the
plaything of the forces acting upon him. This is why in all ancient teachings the first demand know thyself...”
Jurdjief
2
I'm in my 50's and I feel the same.
5
There was a little too much navel gazing in this article for my taste. Also, it seems to be a cookie cutter approach, and not every 70 year old woman fits into this mold.
Just ask Nancy Pelosi.
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, ask a 70-year-old woman who has to work at McDonald's to supplement her income and will probably be working for the rest of her life.
74
An interesting take on the experience of being older. (But everyone is older than they were at any previous time ... unless they’re not ... right?) As for gratitude not being a virtue but a survival skill, as stated: It may be the other way around; that is, because gratitude is a virtue, survival, in the sense of fulfilled life, becomes possible, perhaps in joyful, unexpected ways. As for suffering to promote gratitude: A tricky view ... one I don’t think so about, because suffering is suffering. Take, for example, the Holocaust. That which would attempt to deny life is in our world. It’s often the case though that suffering could be worse ... and for that reason, “happiness” of some compromised kind ensue.
But what really seemed absent to me ... maybe a sign of our times or too embarrassing to get into ... in this analytical presentation was the non-mention of God, frankly. Not as a doctrine or given by some institutionalized or sentimentalized form, but as Mystery ... Mystery in the sense of that which is ultimately real that is entirely beyond control and factual understanding and, regardless of circumstances, one is already and forever part of and belongs to ... if one accepts that. Love in the broad sense, a “way out” (Exodus) ... that we do from real-izing being included in that, in other words. Call it “faith” independent of time, yet based on experience that happens as last resort with more and more time. For some though, this is truly hard, if not impossible.
7
This treacly essay to old age is filled with shallow observations and gross generalizations. Where to begin?
Most egregious, happiness is definitely NOT a skill and choice for the tens of millions of people (not just women) who suffer from debilitating depression and/or anxiety and who have tried every remedy in the book to no avail.
In fact, it's not even a choice for the author and those like her who have hit the brain chemistry lottery and convince themselves that they have the skills and have made the choice to be happy. No. You just got lucky.
And what's with the royal "we?" Is every single woman in her 70s exactly the same?
Please. The process of aging is fraught and complicated. Essays such as this one are not helpful.
130
@Ralphie -You are quite right to point out the 'chemistry lottery'. In fact after the age of 30 the likelihood that an individual will die doubles every 7 years. This according to Benjamin Compertz an 1825 self-taught English actuary, inventing an equation still valid today. At the same time it should be noted that the aging process is not synonymous with disease. The 3 keys of the former are a reduced speed of performance, increased susceptibility to disease and a reduced capacity to adapt. Finally, most biogerentologists as well as psychologists like the author study demographic groups, not individuals allowing for considerable variation both positive and negative.
6
I think Germaine Greer wrote that she was happy to be free from the tyranny of sexual desire (or something like that) always in your face - as in https://dg19s6hp6ufoh.cloudfront.net/pictures/612109596/large/Aubrey_Beardsley__Lysistrata___Lacedomonian_Ambassadors_1896.jpeg?1381744579
as an old retired guy I still enjoy looking at beautiful young things, but when it comes to the thought of actually doing anything about it - it's like - that's too much like WORK !!
so I prefer to enjoy instead - every moment of the day - it's raining - beautiful ! the sun came out - beautiful ! clouds in the sky - beautiful ! a child's smile - beautiful ! a home-made pizza - beautiful ! an attractive woman - beautiful ! a gentle breeze - beautiful !
15
@Frank yes, Frank, I agree with you 100%. Freed from the tyranny of my female sexual desire, now that I am 70, I can look around and enjoy this astonishing earth. What a relief.
wealth and health are everything
12
Your story is worth emulating, given that it repeats itself across generations, the seventh you know...and the '700' we all were part of before we left Africa, and before we became stupid enough to consider ourselves better than others because of the color of our skin. I know you are happy in your skin, and that you know that 'happiness consists not in doing only what you like...but in liking what you do'. That no matter the obstacles or a wrench in front of us, what counts is our response to it; our choice, as you said. It's funny how absent we may be from the present, even gods were 'created' by us (ending in formal religions), as we are afraid of death, and nothing beyond it. In truth, we are not smart enough to know whether there is a God or not. But, if we are able to live fully in the present, death shall be just an accident of nature in a future that is not ours to behold. Of course, you know that. What get's in the way many times is a lack of humility, and a hefty dose of arrogance, to think we are 'the chosen', a unique gift to mother Earth, hence, our license and hypocrisy in trying to destroy it...in the name of greed. Those of us in our seventies know better, and can attest how lucky we are to be 'alive and kicking'.
7
Oh please! A piece of homemade pie served in a bubble.
15
@Duneshaka Nebraska is the antithesis of a bubble. Harsh weather; harsh politics; a physical environment that many consider ugly. But Mary Pipher finds beauty where she is and within herself and others. It's easy to be critical of how others feel; it's a lot harder to grow in wisdom.
6
Some months back, Jan (my wife) and I were heading out to our car to take a somewhat aimless ride toward the Blue Ridge Parkway; or maybe to the Biltmore Estate, or maybe somewhere else, to a park, or just a walk down town.
Both heading toward our 8th decade, I still work 2 or 3 days a week at an office, and Jan and I work together on various projects (an e-course about to go online is the latest).
It was an unusually clear, gentle, bright afternoon. As we approached the car, we looked at each other, grinning ear to ear, and shouted, in one voice, “I love being old.”
There’s an amazing freedom, which Ms. Phipher has caught in her loving and poetic words, in letting go of the burdensome ambitions and anxieties of youth and middle age.
Look forward to it. Even Confucious said that it was only in his 60s that he truly began (note - **began**) to understand what life is about.
Www.remember-to-breathe.org
14
@don salmon
Enjoy your time together doing the little things, like taking an aimless drive on a sunlit afternoon, stopping at some out of the way place to eat, maybe.
For those who have lost partners, whether do to death, divorce, separation - or sometimes dementia - those little things, those companionable but unheralded experiences ( ? sounding a bit like Our Town, I guess), are something you will miss terribly when they are gone.
7
@cheryl
Very true. I went through the most painful period of my life after my divorce in 1993. Everything - every little thing - reminded me of what I had missed.
I guess one of the benefits of a 2nd chance is taking so little for granted.
On one of those early evening outings, as Jan and I were going to our car, our neighbor said to us, “Date night?”
We laughed because every night is date night and every day is date day.
As for as when things are gone, I know my heart will be split in two if she dies before I do (the reverse is not possible as she said if I die first she’ll kill me).
But another of the blessings of growing old is all those things you read about Buddhist impermanence (really, it’s in every genuine spiritual tradition) become a moment to moment reality. Can’t know until it happens, but I would wish everyone a way to find that vast luminous awareness in which we all “live and move and have our being” (st paul) and to use that loneliness from all the things I “will miss terribly” to Real-ize what has been percolating all these years.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful and poignant words.
8
Very, very true.
1
I agree with the sentiments of this lovely piece and thank the author for sharing. Let's not forget, however, that a big reason why we are able to feel such gratitude and appreciation is that we (most of us) are able to get social security and Medicare and thus enjoy a great reduction in our stress. I can only imagine what it's like in Scandinavian countries where people can relax about so many issues - school, childcare, health - at younger ages.
38
@CarolSon that research has already been done and the U.S. ranks pretty low in life satisfaction for the very safety net reasons you cite.
19
Ah, wisdom. Thanks for this rich reflection-
3
Authored by Pollyanna. I'm not even 70 yet, but unless life takes a huge turn for the better I'm pretty sure I won't be one of the lucky women portrayed here. Trapped in a lonely, infulfillng marriage, a slave to very elderly parents, my wonderful children living thousands of miles away, no grandchildren, still working full time...all I need next is a debilitating illness. Yes, one tries to make each day count for something, but let's get real.
37
@cgg. I believe one of the main points of this essay was to describe what some women (people) eventually come to understand about life's challenges. There are many ways of experiencing life and we get to choose how we do that...we can find the benefit existent in every circumstance if we make the attempt, or we can rail against what we may have no control over in the first place. The choice is ours to accept and find joy and peace...or not. Not a new concept, but, I will admit, is sometimes hard and takes daily practice. However, I would rather spend my days in peace than angst, anger, and sorrow as I used to do. It's simply a matter of choice.
8
Translation: How wonderful people like me are. What a pain that there are all these others unlike me who try to make me feel bad. Oh, woe is us. But oh, how wonderful we are. Identity politics is the order of the day, left, right, and center; young and old; male and female; white and black; on and on.
9
Getting old is a human, not a female, experience.
Barbies are not supposed to age, neither are Kens. Still they do and it is no fun.
5
The joy of being a woman in her late 70s means she won't have to be around to experience global warming that will kill many.
The joy of being a woman in her late 70s means she won't have to worry about air and water pollution.
The joy of being a woman in her late 70s means she won't be around to see all the destruction trump has been able to do to this country and the world.
This woman in her late 70s is very thankful she has no grandchildren that will have to experience these things.
16
Yay for Mary Pipher explaining that happiness is the province of aged women! Old women, who express gratitude daily for their lives, self-knowledge after decades of childhood,adulthood, marriage/divorce, raising young children to adulthood and communicating with their grandchildren. Ageism in America is what it is; the emphasis on youth and photoshopped beauty and ignorance of real life abounds throughout our democracy. Look at our septuagenarian president, a nutcase who dyes his combover-mullet hair blond, wears orange make-up and brags about how great he is to the world...an example of American ageism run amok!
Old women have suffered and because they do suffer they can experience joy in life! We laugh and smell the roses every day. Attitude, attention and perspective are the gifts of an old woman's life, and her lifelong legacy to her children. We know now the life choices (good or bad) we made earlier in our lives have consequences. We are kinder because we have experience unkindness. We know that changes in the miracle of life are our only constant. We live in our old age with the skills of gratitude and grace.
7
I loved this. Thank you.
5
You don't have to be a woman to be happy in your 70's, men can also be happy. I am 77 and am thrilled to be here.
9
We create our legacy by embracing the reality of aging....That is the true wisdom of life....The acceptance of what we can do and accepting the limitations of what we cannot.
There is sooo much joy in speaking your own truth. Sad that we must be older to accomplish that wonderful freedom. We get to appreciate our journey and know that how we managed it does matter. Sharing that is our legacy.
Bless you for giving us all the gift of saying it out loud.....
4
I have decided that we aren’t as smart as we think we are. We think that people are attracted to us because of the people we are. But too often it is because of something else. Our good looks or money.
It’s easier not having good looks or much money. The parasites go away, and we can enjoy our lives.
Our real friends are still there.
5
@David Martin
Interesting take.
1
Summed up: lower your expectations to the absolute minimum and be happy to live with the scraps of a life.
11
OMG, I’m barely adjusting to just reaching 60. Now this ??? I’m just now thinking of myself as “ middle aged “. Could we please make 70 the NEW 50 ??? Thanks in advance.
4
@Phyliss Dalmatian
I hereby declare 70 as the new 50!
(We 70 year olds just get it done)
4
This was a potent reminder not to let politics and the current events drag me down. I vow to start the day, not by reading of the latest abomination but by thanking my luck to still be here and by enjoying all the little things like the swoop and cry of a hawk overhead.
Thank you.
7
@Leslie
I start the day by thanking (in advance) the universe or God for our nation "free of DJT".
What the heck...
The "Law of Attraction" states that we attract what we "think about".
So let's just "think" that sucker out of the Oval Office.
If even only 100 million of our 350 million citizens do this, imagine the immense power of the energy forces that will be directed to this end.
Actually we should pick a date and invite the whole world to join us in this powerful visualization.
2
As I just said to my MD.."Can I please just be allowed to get old?" It's something I've been looking forward to for 50 years now. It is the best time of my life!
70;just sounds horrible and no amount of self denial will make me look forward to it...
Well written but no thanks.....
9
@There
Unless you learn to look forward to it - I’m in my 70’s and loving it! - you may not gain the optimism to truly enjoy it when you get there.
I remembering being a young mother with a toddler, when my grandfather retired. And the first my grandparents did - something they had NEVER done! - was take a cruise to Alaska. Then and there, I told myself: WOW! Old age can be fun. There are things to look forward to.”
That thought has sustained me. Through my 30’s and my 40’s. And into my 50’s and my 60’s. Each decade getting better than the last. And the 70’s: WOW! This is the best! And also the worst: I’ll soon lose my spouse and best friend of 51 years. We are facing a terrible time in America. A terrible time to lost one’s spouse - and hopefully not one’s Republic.
Please, listen to the voices of wisdom. Not the siren songs sung by people like Trump.
12
@There As the article points out, attitude is everything. None of us "look forward to" being older or dying, but that isn't even what the article is about so much as being inside the magic of life as an older woman. I am getting there--living through my 60s and already embracing everything she says--probably because I have been single for 27 years and living alone for decades. I know how to embrace the solitary life. Thank God I have always loved nature. Bottom line, my observation (like the author) is that peop[le who are resistant or alienated from the beauty of aging end up spending their senior years in faciltiies or doctors offices. Cheer up, older life is freedom.
3
@There
Denial is not just an river an Egypt, soon enough you'll see, and hopefully will embrace the hard work you've done to get there !
1
It would be worthwhile to press pretty hard on who or what she means by 'we' and 'us.'
4
This is the typical American upbeat falsehood that makes so many so unhappy. I travel the Americas, avoiding gated communities, Pink Rose City and overpriced restaurants, I see nothing but old age misery. I'm afraid Mrs. Piper has read just a bit too many Barbara Cartlands.
23
Now I have a new word for my next Scrabble tournament - 'shelterbelt'. But I still have to look it up to see what it means.
1
I loved this essay. My mother died at the age of 41 and once I got past that age I was really on the right track about life. Many deserve more years and for some reason I’ve been given it. Life is a gift and at 66 it just gets better and better. Off to the skating rink!
6
As a 71-year-old, I was struck by many of the assumptions in this article. The author seems to clump older women into a sort of "wise matriarch" category --- as if aging is to be welcomed and accepted as a deliverance:
"Most of us don’t miss the male gaze. It came with catcalls, harassment and unwanted attention. Instead, we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks."
Well I never was a "most of us" type anyway; I was more a rebel and an outsider. But the "male gaze" [horrors, how odious!] wasn't a "tyranny" to me. Men were not just the the stereotyped catcallers or threatening stalkers. The male gaze was often a lot of fun and a spirit lifter.
Men are not the enemy of us aging women. They are aging too, and face their own set of insecurities, stereotypes and fears. They are also not all chasers of twenty-something skirts.
My friends and I get facelifts, we diet [horrors!] to stay slim, and we flirt with men. My best friend of 50 years, who just got a facelift (on credit --- horrors!) was laughing with me about some "biddies" in her church who were giving her massive dirty looks. She said, "it's because my facelift is a big cheat. I'm not supposed to look like this at my age. I'm supposed to welcome my freedom from being pretty." (She recently married a sweet man in her congregation.) We all choose to age in our own ways.
895
@Trista Thank you, Trista! I agree.
30
@Trista. Well, if this is the way you achieve peace and joy, then go for it. I believe the author was making a different point - not to force yourself to be satisfied with your extra weight, sagging jawline, or grey hair, but rather to find contentment in "what is"...if you choose. If you don't choose, have at it.
103
@Trista
1. Skip religion, it is a pall on our lives.
2. Be joyous and love like there is no tomorrow.
3. As to the face lift, a famous Italian actress once asked: If you visit a fabulous Chateau and upon entering the foyer, see that the spectacular 60 year old chandelier has crashed to the floor in pieces, do you leave it there ?
Or do you repair it to it to its former glory and beauty?
I vote for repair, on credit or not. I am going to live to 100 and when I look in the mirror, I want to see the me I see in my spirit and heart. Getting older is not a choice, being old is a choice.
153
A
beautiful article and so timely and articulate. I have shared this with several friends in their 70’s. Thank you so much for publishing it.
3
This is one of the saddest pieces I’ve read in a long time.
Where is the joy? Where is the love? Where is any spark? The piece is all about resignation, coasting and counting down.
Women (and men) that I know in their 70’s (as I am) are taking their grandkids on trips (nearby or worldwide) of discovery. They’re taking courses and learning new skills and ideas - or in some cases - teaching them. They’re out in the world sharing what they’ve learned over a lifetime in many different fields with younger folks still trying to figure it all out. They’re using their talents to lead their church groups. Anything other than being satisfied and grateful “for a piece of pie”!
9
@Michael Lindsay
It's always all about money.
If you have the resources to maintain a comfortable life style,
aging is fine.
If not, it's nothing but constant worry
16
@Michael Lindsay Perhaps you have trouble because this piece was written for women. Sorry, but the female experience may be quite different than the male or another gender identity. It is hopefully alright to point out that the article speaks about peaceful resignation--and why that does not sound happy and positive to you is a mystery. It could be that the pressure of life is off--no more fears around achieving anything. I really believe that if you filtered these words through a Buddhism screen you would be applauding--but since it is simply from an old white woman you think it is crabby and negative. Again the author points out that that stuff should be left behind.
4
My aunt always said she loved her 70's and hated her 80's when her health began to fail. The 80's (I am 86) is when everything begins to fall apart physically'
11
I love this upbeat article and it makes me feel better about the aging process. In my late fifties, I already feel a sense of deep gratitude most of the time for all the wonderful people in my life and the beauty that is everywhere. I don’t think the state of mind the author describes is limited to people who are well off or healthy. Lucky to know many, many people from all walks of life, of all incomes and states of health, who experience great happiness despite deprivation and sometimes pain. That said, hoping more older women are represented in all spheres of life in the coming years: in government, media, businesses, art, advertising, lovers, etc. Also, hoping there is more attention to the welfare of older women and more attention paid to their health and well being. And finally, also hoping there is more societal appreciation of the beauty of older women.
9
I find interesting the assumption that the "male gaze” does not fall on older women. I think it depends on what men you mean. There is a beauty to older women, and dare I say men, that is hard to achieve at a younger age.
18
@Mike Livingston Nice to know there are sweet men such as yourself who feel that way. But guess what? We still don't actually care.
5
@Teresa. Hmm, well, some of us still care a little. And "sweet" Mike lives nearby! (Just kidding. Sort of.)
4
@Teresa Yikes, Teresa. Not true for all of us.
3
Age brings loss, but with loss comes insight. Loss strips one of the non-essential. For me this insight came as the understanding of lifelong mistaken identity. I am not the sum of my thoughts, my physical self or accomplishments, but something more. My core self is timeless, beyond description or comprehending, remains untouched by loss, bearing witness to all comings and goings. This unchanging core where joy and creativity resides, is where I pitch my tent. Let others shake their fists at wind and rain. I'll make tea and put out the welcome sign.
9
One of the most thoughtful, beautifully written pieces I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing it.
15
This is right on. I am going to share this with my younger friends. Why wait to 70 to adopt this thinking. Well done and much needed insights for a 76 year old woman who worries about the state of this world.
12
A beautifully written article! She must have read my mind first...I could not agree more! Carpe Diem!
10
This column highlights, as with its reference to "the male gaze," some of the difference between the life circumstances of men and women.
However, as a man approaching 70, I can say that much of the larger lesson here is true for men as well. The changes that come with age are a loss of some things, but a gain of others, and can bring much satisfaction. I'll never again attract a woman's attention as I once did, but I've gained too.
13
@Mark Thomason
Mark, again you speak truth. I am a male, 74 years old and it is refreshing to feel well and whole without outside appreciation. As I tell myself, I don't feel old except when I look in a mirror. If I have a reason to maintain weight and strength, it is because it makes me feel good, not because I need appreciation from others (would not get it, anyway).
2
@Bill Down with mirrors!!!
2
@Bill
It is good to see your words.
1
At age 85 my mantra has become "resilience, work on it, don't give in".
6
When I got to the bottom of the page and saw the author's name, my response was, "well of course". Mary Phipher's books have been among my favorites and now I have to order this one. Thank you for bringing home this most important topic, one that I hope to read and I am sure that I will cherish. I relate to almost everything you are saying in this article.
7
DItto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto! Thank you.
I would love to see movies TV series where women characters in their 70s are included, but not as they usually are, if at all--in a demeaning way or as a joke.
We are an amazing group and have a huge impact on those around us.
11
Aging is better than the alternative. Being financially secure, for those of us fortunate enough, makes being happy possible. I suspect being old and homeless or underhoused is not a happy and healthy state. Being invisible is a bonus for me, as I take photographs. I have had men ask me how I get some of my street shots without being challenged. I tell them about the power of invisibility. Having been a politically active baby boomer, I have experienced the fires of identity politics -- when I get 'hon', 'dear' or 'sweetie', I let the patronizing person know that I never got called that when I was young and I don't want it now. They are shocked but educated. I have joy from all the miracles of daily life.
37
Ditto for women in their eighties and even nineties. Most of these women who I know are engaged in their lives, they have many interests and friends. Also many still work.
15
I am in my 50’s and this rings true already. Contentment can be generated from within by noticing and acknowledging what is in our daily lives.
16
Love this and look forward to Dr. Pipher's book.
I've found that one of the unexpected pleasures of feeling "free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks" is that is has, in so many delightful ways, only served to enhance them.
17
Happiness, in my estimation, is having something to look forward to every day. It has nothing to do with materialism. It is giving love to your family and friends. It is helping those who need it.
It is looking outward as well as inward. Age is not an issue.
I see many a 10 year old happy just being able to have a little freedom from parents rules. I see an 80 year old sharing a cup of tea with a friend.
Happiness is having a deep and meaningful conversation without worry about being judged about your opinion.
The most happy people I know are those who have spent their time on earth building their character, not their abs. No matter what their age is.
18
Our society sadly casts those of us over 60 aside. Instead of mining all that collective experience and knowledge available, most just ignore older adults. Add to that the gender piece of the equation and you really have a depressing situation. Productivity and outlook are absolutely necessary in order to live our final chapters in a way that will continue to surprise the youngsters around us. The, maybe, just maybe, they’ll consider the possibility that the view from their mountain may just be very limited.
3
I love this. Everything about it rings true and yet, never discussed. I particularly liked the “one drop of water in the river of life”. When I feel overwhelmed or just trying to put something in perspective I think of my place in the galaxy . I also think we are a new generation of women in their 70’s. We are more visible and more valued than ever before and this applies to even those of us who are “invisible”.
I’ve forwarded this article to my friends from high school. Thank you for a wonderful moral booster.
15
Joy is plentiful. Every day. That’s in our personal life - after 51 years together - even with a dying spouse. Recently, after a wonderful first visit with the Palliative Care Team, he had a dream, which I took as a message from his unconscious to me: He saw me sitting on a tractor and I told him “from now on I’m driving a tractor. It will take me wherever I need to go.”
I love that metaphor. I find it comforting. It tells me I don’t need to follow roads already laid out. I can make my own trail. I picture an old fashioned red tractor, except it’s new and shiny.
In the midst of impending sorrow we have great joy together. I will miss him terribly, when I lose him. But he’s told me he believes in me. He’s encouraged me to feel my strength and follow my own path. That I’ll be OK. He’s given me a wonderful gift. A lasting gift, among so many.
I read this piece last night. And I wondered what to say. I agree with much of it. But I also suffer greatly, knowing that so many in this world are desperately poor, suffering under terrible conditions. And that pains me. So deeply. I have joy. But in my heart, I bear their suffering too.
As far as the wisdom of age to pass along, T.S. Eliot said it best. In “Four Quartets”:
“The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility.
Humility is endless.”
87
A poem by William Carlos Williams that I sing every single day of my life and has something profound for any age. It always makes me smile (especially when I feed my white chickens) and I painted the poem inside my red wheelbarrow with joy!
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
39
I belong to a Courageous Aging group. We meet twice a month when we’re in town. Many of us travel so often we miss meetings. Our continued support for each other, members 61-80 years, as we go through life’s transitions, has been a precious blessing for us all. We began thinking we’d meet for 8 weekly sessions. Now, in our second year, we can’t imagine not continuing this wonderful network for as long as we’re able. We treasure our aging process and the depths of living it allows us.
31
@Susan Josephs why do you limit the age of membership to age 80?
3
@Sally Kelley I suspect she meant that the oldest is 80.
I have always felt grateful. Even as a teenager I wondered at the beauty of nature. Attitude is everything but money helps. Not having to be old and infirm also helps. Age is a state of mind. I’m a sixteen year old in my head if not in my body.
20
@Marilyn Rosenberg
Gratitude is the key to coping with growing old.
As our body ages and we begin feeling "discounted" in this world, it is critical to redirect our thoughts to those things for which we can give thanks. Of course we are grateful for family and friends...but do we give thanks for all those little things/events that gives us a spark of joy throughout the day....a tree, a green light, a flower, a good book, a compliment, a good dental exam, needed rain?
We are all so blessed. The more we think about our blessings, the more blessings we will come our way. And the added big bonus is that we are not dwelling on what is wrong in our lives.
What we think about is what we attract.
1
Resignation seems the order of the day for this writer.The author puts on a brave show of accepting the unacceptable slap in the self esteem life ultimately reserves to those reaching the 70's shores. It is a sad,brave and pessimistic op-ed. I would have liked to read something more zesty,but I guess it is up to each contributor to bring his or her own brick to the never ending construction of what becomes our shared culture.
My own observation has been that women in their seventies are vibrant beings able to turn on the heat and become playful in ways younger women would not even dare think about. They put delightful subtleties into their recipes, become mothers of invention in a zappa of a moment, they dress comfortably,and undress creatively, they converse on an equal cerebral footing with their fellow men,they write with perspective,understand the issues or try and get the information they're missing. In short, many women in their seventies do not require the clinical psychological pittance dr Mary Pipher so scottishly offers;instead they are a treasure trove of happy wisdom:they suffer from too much happiness.
17
@Marcelo Brito
Ditto
Beautiful article, I profoundly relate. Reading comments I can only think of one of its lines, we all suffer but not all of us grow... keep complaining and you'll miss it.
31
"Instead, we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks. For the first time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our appearance." Sorry to nitpick a bit but when we weigh women in my medical practice office, almost all of them, even those in their eighties, take off their shoes before stepping on the scale and express disappointment if they weigh 2 or 3 pounds more than the last time.
30
@sleepdoc And as I once remarked to a friend, "It's a slippery slope from that first pair of pants with an elasticized waist."
2
I'm not afraid to say I'm in my 70s, which sounds old - but I'm still a teenager in my head! Grateful to be alive and to have experienced all I have, from the good to the bad. I'm still able to get myself out of pickles and solve most problems. I have love.
So this article rings true.
19
I see no mention here of meaningful work. Why not? I am a visual artist in my late sixties and am doing by far the best work I have ever done. It astounds me. This, by a long shot, is what makes my life "rich and strange".
You seem to have made the assumption that older women are not working or that their work is not central to them. If your book isn't finished yet - be sure to include this.
52
What a lovely refreshing insightful perspective Ms. Pipher brings to growing older. And she doesn't speak for women alone - I saw it in my father and his long-lived friends too. I like the fact that she also touches on the lack of recognition women have suffered for their contributions to science and industry from the start of the Industrial Revolution. DNA (Rosalind Franklin) - Apollo Mission Earth Moon trajectory calculations (Katherine Johnson) - Ocean Floor mapping (Marie Tharp) - to name but a few. And now I'm thinking about Nancy Pelosi. How wonderfully ironic is it that it took an older, wiser woman to bring a chauvinistic misanthrope to heel and return America to Americans.
40
I am 86 and still try to manage a ranch, but riding these days is ending the day with my limbs being an alloy of lead, bones and skin. There seem to be nothing in between skin and bone so I am forced to slip a foamy into may pants so that my bottom survives. So much for old age to disagree with but what I find really disappointing is the thought that I wont be able to visit this earth in 100 years time.
28
I listen to all the voices responding to Pipher's article, acknowledging many truths and contradictions. Some of the happiest people I know are poor. Some of the youngest people I'm close to are experienced in choosing happiness. Men and women struggle with aging, attain calm in which to relish warmth, kindness and wisdom. And laughter. At any age, sharing encouraging smiles and spirited laughter can be cultivated. What I find missing is the commitment to stewardship of our beleaguered earth who is crying out. We have spent our lives consuming and polluting, the privileged more so. At 69, I work to guard the earth. To not feel entitled to travel and eat meals and buy goods, and homes that require greater resource expenditure in preparation, materials and transportation. And to fight every day for policy that supports earth's oceans, her forests, marshes, skies and most delightful, intricate and marvelous species. These that have been eternal are, in our day, exterminated by our species' rampant self- aggrandizement and pursuit of happiness. We can, as ones with less time but broader knowing, put first the fight for earth's future.
124
@Annie Hayes Hi Annie, I couldn't agree with you more. Just wanted to mention Mary Pipher is one of the few therapists who has boldly spoken out about climate change and the current environmental crisis. In The Green Boat she looks at the psychological reasons many stay in denial and avoidance. (I know you were specifically referring to the comments section here.... I too am mystified that everyone--parents! grandparents! those psyched for seven generations!--isn't dropping everything to learn about and combat the most important, life and death issue of our time.) 350.org for more.
15
According to a Buddhist monk, if you want to be happy, be grateful. If you can't be grateful this moment, there will be another moment and another moment...
98
@Froon
There is always something, every moment, for which to be grateful.
If nothing else, you can always be grateful for
realizing the power of gratitude!
4
Women of all ages obviously have a tougher time in life and in societies that traditionally undervalue their skills and potentials. It is a rare society that fully appreciates them. But as a man a few weeks from 93 I am fully cognizant that age alone presents monumental difficulties, at any age. You are defeated when you accept the values of a society that cannot perceive your real value and makes use of it. You are old when you accept you are old.
61
What a wonderful description of growing up. Thank you, Dr. Pipher!
14
Home care costs $20 per hour and that doesn’t include transportation for medical treatment and other services and items that Medicare doesn’t cover. The cost of nursing homes and assisted living is also sky high. Instead of waxing poetic about the beauties of life, especially if we lost our partner, we worry about the cost of food and daily living expenses.
109
One source of happiness for older folks is a glad-to-be-alive feeling. Other things seem secondary. "Happiness" is a loaded word, open to all kinds of interpretation. I prefer contentment, being at peace with yourself and your circumstances, being able to engage in activities you enjoy. I am more comfortable when I can say, "I feel good today."
25
@William. I agree. Contentment says it all and is my personal definition of "happiness." And, as I age, I notice that the feeling of peace with oneself, and joy from seemingly small, insignificant pleasures -- the birds in my city garden, a violinist in the park -- seems intensified. Maybe it is simply having the time to truly notice these things now, but nonetheless I am grateful. And content.
3
The joy of being a man in his 70s. Why make this only about women?
19
@Stephen Kurtz I agree. Many of the changes described happen for men as well, especially relief from superficial concerns. Getting older probably is somewhat different for men and women just because of societal structures but I have found many of the same quiet joys in closer observation of humble creatures and the changing light over the seasons, knowing that the number of times I will get to experience those seasons again is diminishing.
20
@Stephen Kurtz does *everything* a woman writes have to include men?
3
@Stephen Kurtz
Perhaps because “men” are already the subject of, say, 75% (90%?) of media coverage?
If you find this article applies to you, great, but, seriously, can’t we simply appreciate something that’s not all about us?
6
For men and women alike, on one level life is a cascade of disappointments. When I was fifteen, I thought I would never die and could do anything. I thought I could fly. As I grew older and collected responsibilities anchoring me to my chosen path in life, they became the tethers keeping me on the ground.
Now in retirement, I am grateful I can walk. In a few short years I may be grateful to even see or breathe. But throughout my life, I have carried the talisman of gratitude which, like hope in Pandora's mythical box, I will never let go.
59
Thank you Mary Pipher. I think what you wrote is so true.. at least for me it is. I am so grateful for my life.
8
I LOVED THIS, Mary Piper - but I started feeling this way in my 50s, 20 years ago, so I am really blessed!!
16
Several months after my wife died last year, I thought to explore more deeply a 45-year relationship I had had with a female friend in her 70's, well-characterized in this essay. It lasted for several months until her independent and previously-established life style took back over.
9
It seems men need women more and more as they age, but for an older woman, an older man can become a burden. I'm sorry.
33
@Reality Check Speak for yourself, and don't make assumptions about others, please.
1
This is quite "professional." We tell ourselves stories in our attempt to make the voyage through life. Attitude can help, but there really are circumstances in some lives that don't yield to this therapist's platitudes.
68
@geebee I agree whole-crushed-black-heartedly (on my part). Thanks for your comment.
6
@geebee
Some of those circumstances you speak of usually turn this 81-year-old feminist to thoughts of throwing punches in people's noses.
6
“Many of us learned that happiness is a skill and a choice.”
Indeed it is in most cases.
The questions we must ask are
1. What are the skills needed to be happy?
2. How do you make those choices to be happy?
Here are some skills:
— Establish meaningful purpose
— Know yourself (emotional, physical, intellectual, passion, spiritual, values, hobbies, beliefs)
— Evaluate your situation to build realistic expectations to fulfill your purpose
— Explore and reinvent yourself (change is constant)
— charge ahead
To be happy we need to master skills of understanding who we are, setting up realistic expectations, and engaging in life based on values, principles, energy, and capabilities.
The choice is made based on who we are and where we want to go based on realistic needs and expectations.
To be happy is indeed a skill and choice.
I read some of the comments about physical pain and limited mobility, constraint of financial resources, and then other obstacles....
Happy people make a commitment to live life to fullest by overcoming obstacles to be happy, engaged, achieving their purpose with the resources they have.
Of course, there are always extreme cases, but for most of us rich and poor, black and white, men and women...it is a skill and choices.
14
@Lets Speak Up
Tell the starving old woman picking through the trash bags for a bite to eat to upgrade her skills and make better choices. Stick around to watch her happiness grow.
12
@Rea Tarr You are right that there are starving old women picking through trash. And we can choose, if we want to, to help those women.
4
You have described my life. Thank you so much.
13
@Outraged in PA Well your pen name doesnt look like it.
3
What a truth-filled and beautiful piece of writing! Thank you. As one facing a recurrence of cancer, I know viscerally how joy and sorrow mix like salt and water and have found choosing gratitude, joyfulness, and connection with loved ones to be my survival skills.
25
Beautifully written. Wishing you well.
3
Fie on ageism. I could not disagree with this author more. I got my first job as a professor when I was 64, got married for the third time when I was 63, my first book was published when I was 72, and I am still writing, getting published, deeply involved in the community, and making new friends. I love the "male gaze" and do not find it lacking, though I am happily married and don't seek a new relationship. My yoga practice has rendered me fitter than I was when I was 40. I'll die pretty soon and that's okay, my losses are part of the mosaic. One student asked me "Who is Judy Garland?" The class didn't know who Paul Newman was either. Just think how quickly I will be forgotten. But while I'm here I'm not going to be whining about ageism. Seek the light. It's there.
34
@annabellina how was she whining? I thought the piece was joyful. I too still love the male gaze and get it too. But it definitely is not as important as it once was. I don't think she was writing of shutting down! I think she was writing of how we tend to have greater appreciation as we age.
47
@annabellina:
Wow. What a bizarre response. Did we read the same column? Pipher is doing the opposite of whining about ageism. She IS seeking the light, and urging everyone else to do the same.
14
@annabellina
Thank you- you get it, the author is making excuses and is aegist.
3
Your writing is thoughtful, calming and heartfelt. Acceptance and celebration is so much more peaceful than angst and denial. Thank you. If you don't mind I would add this could apply to males as well.
15
I am sad for those ladies whose comments here express discontent, cynicism, or despair.
But you know what, I suspect old age has little to do with their attitudes or outlook on life. They probably expressed discontent, cynicism or despair ten years ago, twenty years ago, forty years ago.
One thing I've learned through seventy plus years is this: people don't change. Happy people at 70 were happy people all their lives. It's how you want to be that matters.
60
Mimi
Have to disagree on this one. Read my comment. When we have experiences that change our lives, it can definitely change our outlook. A sourpuss now may have been miss joyful at another time.
Trust me.
MIMA
25
@Mimi
Sexism made me angry when I was young. Sexism plus ageism make me even angrier now that I'm in my 80's.
I want equal rights. But someone who refers to "those ladies" might not be about to go along with that.
8
@Mimi, I think you can learn how to "be happy". We learn from others and experiences. What works and what doesn't. Some people can, and do, change; for better or worse. Essays like this can serve as guides for people who see them as such. I'm not sure that we learn to "be happy"; but we learn to be grateful, compassionate, resilient, aware and I believe happiness flows from that fount.
2
Thanks for the article. This is the second in a week about older women -- I am Woman See my Roar. My problem is I'm not willing to let it go. I'm 69, just built a home, grandchildren in two other cities -- AND am being transferred half way cross the country by my job! Such mixed feelings. Yet I'm not ready to give it up. I'm a super lawyer who loves her job her company after scrabbling for a law degree at 52. I spent most of my past life taking care of other people -- I'm thriving and happy now as a professional valued woman. So I do it all to look the part -- and it's such high maintenance, but I simply cant bear a sagging face or body or slow mind. And I have a man in my life who is so sexy and youthful and 10 years younger. I want to keep him. And won't give up my sexuality and men's glances. In one respect I get what you are saying -- people can't believe how easily I am adapting to this upheaval of the move. It's because of what you said -- I'm old, change happens. nothing stays the same. But I do hate the idea of being a seventy year old woman ...and ha ha cataract surgery next month!
21
@Mary Rivka It's what makes YOU happy and hurrah! Kudos for living life to the max! I love it. But some do not have that choice even if they wanted to make that choice. We kid ourselves if we think we can control everything. But I'm with you..I'd like to do some "improvements"..but then I don't seem to care enough lol!
8
@Mary Rivka Love it!!! You got it sister I’m up there too and also have a sweet younger man.....am fit and don’t mind abit of help from science either....just finished 16 miles just yesterday on foot and love it....the outdoors...the sunshine...SO grateful.....love her writing and yours as well....we women have finally begun to make our place in this world....and aint gonna let it go!!
@Mary Rivka
You will prevail.
No doubt.
I'm getting older so maybe I'm getting crabbier.
I applaud personal reflections on what makes for a fulfilled life at any point.
But some of us were never at a point where joy could only be found through sex or climbing a mountain.
Some of us don't enjoy the crisp fall air when we leave a funeral of a beloved person.
Personal reflections are just that--personal. The assumption that our personal conclusions and reflections constitute a road map for others is for them to say, not us.
66
most likely her greatest source of happiness is the fact that she doesn't work. In direct contradiction to all things feminism, when most people retire from the grind of the work world their happiness skyrockets. As I get older what really depresses me is that now women are forced to waste huge chunks of their life pounding out an existence as a retail clerk, waitress, truck driver etc. , if they follow a lot of the current feminist teaching, they may not have any children at all because they were too busy being a middle manager in some soulless company. find a good man, get married and have children, I bet you'll be a lot happier at 70 if you do. At least you'll really have something to show for you life other than employee of the month awards, and a summation of bank statements.
14
@concerned
Dear Concerned, I worked, had no children although I hoped for some while in my 20s and 30s, and now, in a second marriage and retired and 77, I have a great deal to show for my life. Friends by the dozens, manuscripts of stories written and a few published, vacation and travel memories and yes, a few “honors” from working. So many many ways to be happy whether with children and grandchildren or friends and lots of fabulous stories of travels and relationships. It’s all there for me. I am very happy.
33
@concerned, I think you've gotten the author wrong, as her bio states she *is* a clinical psychologist and likely still works, as many professionals do in their 70's. I agree with you that pink and blue collar workers, especially those without unions, are unlikely to be able to retire and still support themselves. But I do not agree that feminism has anything to do with whether women work or have children, as many feminist organizations have stood up for the rights of women who stay at home to raise children. It's about the choice to follow your dreams, whether those are about family or work or both.
28
@concerned You may have a point and you may NOT have a point.....life hands us oppurtunties and some women because of the unablity to physically bear children or never found that “man” never hab children.....if some DID find a man he may have been a criminal or a near do well not matter WHAT that woman did...and sometimes a child or children are great burdens and bring only sorrow and shame (usually crimials)......perhaps we live with the resources we have been given and grateful to those...it I died today and the Good Lord asked what did i do with the resourcs life (God) gave me....I think, I believe, i Hope, the return is a good one.....THIS gives me joy, this gives me forgiveness and this give me a very good opinion of myself amd what I have been able to accomplish in this life...indont care anymore about what I did NOT get i care about what Life provided ME :)
1
When I was in high school in the sixties, our teacher asked us to write an essay to titled: Ignorance Is Bliss. I wrote about Peter Pan and how I wanted to remain a child and not have to face adult experiences.
Now I am about to turn 68. I believe that bliss comes from being in the moment as well as excepting and embracing what is coming next.
12
Most of my women friends and acquaintances on the 70+ age group have accomplished for themselves much of which this author describes and it amazes me. They seem to be well-served by being able to relegate their sexuality to being a past part of their life and they are cool with it. Men, not so much. We bemoan the loss of heterosexual activity without the loss of sexual appetite. This sense of loss permeates much of our attitude as we struggle with our old-age identities. The older women in my life seem significantly happier than most of the men. I know part of this is "attitude" as the author claims, but the male hormones are still there!
10
@Mister Ed. I endorse your assessment of the dominating hormonal differences between the sexes. It's hard for a man to understand the tremendous effect that female hormones or lack thereof has on life from teens to senescence. One of the strange paradoxes here is that male seniors sometimes have higher estrogen levels than post-menopausal women!
2
I just ended a relationship with someone for whom sex is paramount. He is 67. I, at 68, was okay with letting go of that part of my life. Then
I got together with him and sex became amazing again. We both had to use hormonal enhancement. But it provided us with great sex.
Now that we are no longer together my attitude toward sex is more ‘meh’ again. But the experience taught me that sexual desire and pleasure need not be consigned to the dustbin, if you are a woman and white-haired and considered “old” by a certain segment of society.
I’m here to say: women’s sexual desire does not need to end at a certain age. You can still find it. And it doesn’t need to endanger your health. We need to educate ourselves, and let our health providers know we’re not done!
3
@mister Ed
How do you know the females in your life are no longer interested in sex?
I am 72 and can’t imagine discussing my sex life with anyone in my circle of friends.
I consider it private.
3
"In the first place, a man never is happy, but spends his whole life in striving after something which he thinks will make him so; he seldom attains his goal, and when he does, it is only to be disappointed; he is mostly shipwrecked in the end, and comes into harbor with masts and rigging gone. And then, it is all one whether he has been happy or miserable; for his life was never anything more than a present moment always vanishing; and now it is over."
Schopenhauer
19
@Prometheus so sad!
1
@Carolyn Egeli
Not at all, I used to be an optimist; then I was sad, but once I denied the Will and the world, I'm 100-fold happier. Only Bernie supporters make me sad for them that is.
"You ought to learn the art of this-worldly comfort first; you ought to learn to laugh, my young friends, if you are hell-bent on remaining pessimists”
Nietzsche
Men and women at this stage know something. We will be as happy as we elect to be. We won't have another chance to fix it. We had better enjoy, contribute, create and do whatever we can because there won't be years to relearn and to fix it in. We will hold out and enjoy and rejoice in the accomplishments of our youngers as our friends and loved ones drop off and as we approach extinction, as we fall like leaves on the forest floor to nourish our successors. It is our last chance.
19
This is a great article.
@Bill H Indeed. I've given myself the same pep talk for many years, if only it worked! Glass half full or half empty. Yes, the keys under our control being meditation, exercise, gratitude and contributing. The other being the self- discipline, luck, focus, inclination to do the above.
I've had a harder life than many, and a fuller life than many. I am keenly aware when I've traveled in Mexico that many who are poor are happy. Happiness is indeed a state of mind, one in which people in the US do not excel.
4
I really liked this article and read it as I was thinking about my birthday in a couple of months when I officially become an Old Age Pensionner in the UK at age 65. The author is so right to highlight the importance of mental attitude. I had a friend, slightly older than me, who died just before Christmas. She was diagnosed with a very invasive cancer twenty years ago but was determined it was not going to define her and lived with that cancer all that time, watching her grandchildren grow up, meeting a new partner and enjoying life to the full. She was often in pain or tired but fulfilled a lifelong dream to go on safari in Africa and did not let the cancer take over her life right up to the end. Her strength and resilience were inspirational to me and as I officially become 'old', I hope to emulate some of that and not just surrender to a forlorn and disappointing however many years I have left. Yes, I might develop dementia of some kind, but then at least I will have lots of photos and music to perhaps trigger some vague recollections of my life. Equally, I might get knocked down by a bus tomorrow. In the meantime, I have today to get on with.
33
Imagine the word 'man' in this title instead of the word 'woman;' you can't, can you. A man wouldn't write this article because he wouldn't have to; he is immune to a politics of aging that, in all its awfulness, is reserved for women. No matter what Dr. Pipher says/implores/urges, the aging process for women (especially heterosexual women) is so rife with socially sanctioned denigration that rebelling and protecting oneself against it is a full-time emotional job.
28
@Elanah Sherman
I really disagree - on both of your points. I’m retired and very active in co-ed activities. Men are also dealing with the physical and mental side of aging. There can be a feeling of vulnerability.
I would suggest cultivating a circle of women friends to attend social activities with. Invite them over to your place for a get-together, wine & appetizers or dessert & coffee. Deepen your connections.
I do understand what you’re feeling; I was single for many years. I just want to encourage a wider perspective for greater contentment. : )
14
@Elanah Sherman Yes..I agree with you, but men are vulnerable too. However..not as much for sure.
2
@Elanah Sherman
Elanah, I'm curious about the "especially heterosexual women" part of your comment, as in "the aging process for women (especially heterosexual women) is so rife with socially sanctioned denigration ."
Can you say more about why you feel this is especially so for heterosexual women?
1
When visiting the recently renovated Voltaire château near Geneva, one quotation from his writing captured by attention: “J’ai décidé d’être heureux parce que c’est bon pour la santé” (I’ve decided to be happy because it’s good for health). This connects with Mary Pipher’s argument.
For privileged persons like Pipher, and like Voltaire, the argument is convincing. As a privileged 74-year-old woman, I am easily convinced. But I am dismayed that Pipher makes no mention of the situation of persons who suffer from extreme property, oppression, debilitating physical or mental illness; it’s as though these persons do not even exist.
I think Pipher would be an excellent “coach” for the privileged but I’m not sure she would be a competent clinical psychologist for a wider range of humanity.
167
@Linda Allal My thoughts were similar. Aging can magnify the pain of illness and disability, of poverty and of abuse.
As a clinical psychologist, the author may have been lucky to work with the "wounded well" but if she treated anyone in those other situations, she would have seen that getting older makes each of those situations much more difficult to handle, let alone find happiness within it.
It might be a choice to be happy, but it may not be a choice to be poor, abused or ill. And of course, dementia isn't a disorder that makes most patients happier. From the outside, it looks to me as if people with dementia are in a living nightmare of confusion and agitation.
The beginnings of mild cognitive impairment often appear in one's 70's and can look like unhappiness: frustration, impatience and depression. So much for choosing to be happy.
217
To her credit, the author does subtitle her piece “many have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice”. In other words, many may have also not learned that. Likewise many may have learned that but cannot execute that philosophy due to physical infirmity, mental health challenges, financial instability, abusive partners or simply unfortunate life circumstances. It has been my experience in life that financial security is the concrete base upon which all contented aging is built. Remove that and the rest crumbles for all but the most enlightened of us. As they say, money cannot buy happiness. It can however buy healthy food, a nice house, healthcare, competent caregivers, transportation etc. Apart from an occasional outing, like a trip to the zoo, to visit a authentic, happy older person living contentedly in an urban apartment with a view of a brick wall, writers of pieces like this need to spend a whole lot more time in the real world. I’d be happy to show them around.
250
@Laraine Mouthaan I agree with this too! The key seems to be to reserve judgement right? No one person has the answer to life. For me I find appreciation is key and there is definitely an element of choice. But we can be overcome. Hopefully, we have some family or friends to help us through the rough patches. Unfortunately, many are not so lucky. Money does indeed help. Our society doesn't do a very good job of seeing to it that we old people are protected from poverty. Many of us need to keep earning, including myself with a 71st birthday coming up in a week.
110
Well stated. Well timed. I applied for my Medicare yesterday.
6
Yes. We have figured out all the kinks and our main goal is to keep breathing and doing what we want as long as possible. Well, I am 67, I hope very much that I get to be in my 70s.
5
Being older is no pice of cake for a man either. I can say that I understand a lot of what is said in this article from personal experience. Much of it has a version that men experience as well. I can testify to it.
32
Magnificent! A brilliant codicil to the saying that living means suffering. I too have found bliss in brief moments of life. I can’t top her telling of snow on her tongue after leaving a funeral. The article is emotional poetry. Thank you!
24
All the women in their seventies were young women in their twenties during the second wave of feminism in the 1970s, though not all participated or wanted to participate, to be sure. But I would not expect those women to go gently into the good night of old age and death. Acceptance is not the same as giving up. Attitude and gratitude make the difference.
42
I’m so glad that I decided to read this in its entirety. I’m a 29 y/o man and “finding my happiness” has been a hassle. Glad to finally be self-aware. Thank you Dr. Pipher for this. I want to live with purpose and no regrets and to learn to love myself and allow the simplest things to satisfy my happiness
41
Be easy on yourself, Keith. The twenties were hard for many of us.
5
I want to be learning these lessons better NOW ... am approaching 60. The transmission of such wisdom from generation to generation of women is such a gift ... thank you and look forward to your book!
14
Thank you, Ms. Pioneer, for saying so beautifully what I already feel at 57 years.
14
I agree completely with Reader Pick no. 1, Lee, Santa Fe that Mary Pipher writes from the perspective of a privileged minority. Nowhere does Pipher acknowledge this fact.
I am a member of such a minority that I preface with the adjective lucky. I began to realize this in my early 70s and then began to write in the first of a now long series of notebooks, giving it the title "My So Called 10th Life".
Lee points to those who face grinding poverty or catastrophic illness, all of whom will not be able to make happiness a matter of skill and choice. I am lucky enough to still have mind and body that function well, a mind that allows me to translate and edit manuscripts by Swedish medical researchers, just now including a clinical cancer epidemiology team and another group studying the risks for women who elect to become pregnant after 40.
Mary Piper must be quite familiar with that kind of research and could therefore have made clear that she is a member of a lucky minority, exact size in any population unknown.
One curious element of my being lucky is that Swedish Universal Health Care rewards us 86 years of age and older with completely free - zero cost - health care.
Lucky in Sweden
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
66
Thank you for this essay. I've always felt that it was my grandmother who taught me how to be happy with precisely this kind of outlook--one to which she arrived at the end of a life of profound struggle and loss.
She also taught me to put my angry letters in a drawer for a week and then re-read them before sending. I suspect the internet would be a happier place, too, if her rule applied to comments sections.
51
yes, being old would be great, if only bodies and health were not falling apart, and if there were 50 or 60 years left to live, rather than just perhaps, with luck, 10.
also, being happy is not always a choice, i'm surprised, as other commenters have said, that a clinical psychologist can believe such a false platitude. it may be a choice if you are lucky, but many people are not that lucky.
the power of self-delusion never ceases to amaze me.
74
@guillermo
A.Lincoln
Most people are as happy as they want to be.
1
Dr. Pipher presents some very good points, although she ignores some dark elements of aging. As a 75-year-old who has had many health problems (since the age of five), and who has struggled to stay employed (and insured) in the New York publishing world, and who has never had a long-term romance (though I was once engaged for eight hours, till both of us sobered up), I sometimes think that any autobiography I might write would turn out to be a real downer. But when I came to New York 50 years ago I plugged into an energy I'd never felt in my home state, and I'm still resisting what seems to be the inevitable retirement to South Carolina, where my relatives and some good friends keep reminding me that I could afford to live on my social security income and not worry about finances. Manhattan improved my life in so many ways, but best of all, it's allowed me to grow older without feeling the years. I'll retire and retreat in a year or two, I suppose, but first there are at least three Broadway shows I need to catch up with. So much does depend on one's attitude, and energy, as long as one can maintain it.
139
@carrobin
I hope you can retain your Manhattan sanctuary for many more years. I have found growing older in the South to be challenging intellectually and collectively. You're not alone in the challenges you have encountered and I thank you for sharing the bare truth. Please write that autobiography. I learn a lot from your comments and I think you will be surprised by just how large a life you have led thus far.
23
Beautifully well said . It is in maturity that one stops to smell the proverbial roses ; to notice the beauty around us and within us . No longer self centered but centered . Thank you for reminding us....whether we are men or women of a certain age .
19
Clinical psychologists earn their living by charging their patients a fee for helping their patients to change the way they act, feel, think, believe, see the world.
Hence, clinical psychologists as a profession have a vested, financial interest in persuading us, governments and insurers that clinical psychologists can help each of us to change for the better.
There is considerable evidence, however, from many peer-reviewed, published clinical trials, which indicates that temporary or life-long melancholy, sadness, grief, unhappiness, misery, clinical depression, anxiety, agitation, or fearfulness, are not always transformable in all of us, whether we are old or young, male or female, white or black, rich or poor, physically healthy or not, educated or not, intelligent or not, church goers or not.
The reasons for this are complex. They includes our genes, our epigenetic experience, our sexuality, upbringing, childhood and adult experiences, our financial status, built environment, physical health, popularity, etc.
By insisting that happiness is a choice or a learned skill for all of us, when it may not be, those of us who are chronically unhappy are made to feel that our unhappiness is our own fault.
Is morbid obesity as simple as a choice? Probably not. We don't insist that every morbidly obese person can choose not to be morbidly obese, because morbid obesity is too complicated for such simplistic morality tales.
Likewise, happiness is not just a matter of choice.
223
@Colenso at al- morbid obesity and chronical clinical depression may not be or seem to be a choice. HOwever it can ultimately be that happiness and physically health are the results of dedicated, consistent persistent effort. It’s not a random happenstance.
17
@Colenso In a wonderful TV show called "The Naked Civil Servant" many years ago, the author Quentin Crisp said that a nun had once told him, "Everything that happens to us is our fault, but that's not our fault." It's true, and while that awareness doesn't change anything, it does help to ease the stresses sometimes.
26
@Colenso oh yes..familiar with this too! Some people's brains and bodies do not allow positivity. So never judge.
21
I find the "we" used by the author to be very presumptuous. The tone and substance of many comments bear this out. There is no one state of mind to aim for, that would be desirable for all. All conditions/states of mind are legitimate and all, including pathological or morbid ones, are to be respected. Some make life easier, others make it more difficult. So it is. In the words of the great philosopher Sylvester Stone, "different strokes for different folks".
39
I am 83 and i remember Roosevelt's voice. When i heard on the radio he had died my mother for some odd reason went into the broom closet and cried.
I lost my husband of 56 years six years ago. I sense he is sometimes still hanging around watching the grand kids and i celebrating Christmas.
I feel, most of the time, a deep sense of joy and a purpose that keeps us all pinned to the earth as it spins and orbits through space. What is really going on? I love being part of it.
And i gotta stick around so i can vote in 2020. Hopefully for another sort of Roosevelt person to lead our country.
1032
@Nightwood, may your 2020 wishes come true!
43
@Nightwood — You said, “When i heard on the radio he had died my mother for some odd reason went into the broom closet and cried.” There was apparently a time when women were discouraged from crying in public; my mother, born in 1916, said her grandmother used to attend strangers’ funerals so that she could cry openly about sadness she felt about her own life. She lived in Holland; perhaps a less openly emotional culture at that time.
18
@Nightwood
I think you know why your mother cried when Roosevelt died. Many people who were trying to survive during the Depression would say later that he saved their lives.
27
I am 64 and majority of my friends are 15 years older than I am.
They taught me to embrace your age, keep moving, don’t complain about your health. Love every good day you have, death is inevitable but don’t dwell on it.
70
@Ella I think it's important to have friends of all ages. All generations have their perspectives, strengths, etc. that make them all interesting in different ways. To me it's not that different than having friends from different cultures, countries and, dare I say, political persuasions?
Also, not only when it comes to aging, but also death, do I think perspective is everything.
For example, you used the word 'inevitable' when referring to death. We have expressions like 'I'd rather be dead.... death and taxes... I wish he were dead....life is wonderful'. Some people invest in cryogenics. Many others don't want to face reality and avoid any talk of death. They spend money on cosmetic surgeries, etc.
My point is....why do so many think of death as a bad thing? Is it the fear of hell or 'eternal damnation', and religious brainwashing? And if not that, why do so many assume that life itself must be better than death? Has anyone come back from the dead, to tell us that indeed, we have every reason to be scared? Let's face it...life can be pretty hard. Every day we face unknowns, insofar as...we never know what the day will present to us. Something could happen tomorrow that could change our lives forever, and for the worst.
I've heard it said that, when we die, we go back to where we came from...how we were, before birth. I don't know anyone who said that before they were born, their experience was awful? So why should the afterlife be any different?
8
This is a beautiful essay to read. Thank you.
As a 66 year old, I find so much of what you write to be true.
Life is good. It’s not perfect. It’s not without heartache or trials.
But, it’s good. We just have to remember to look for the little things that make it so.
20
@Cheryl
in another 10 years it will all be very different cheryl.
and i don't mean better.
16
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. At 70 I moved across country bought a new house adopted three dogs a cat now I'm 80 I have had three auto accidents in the last year. I have a head injury that nearly killed me. the 30 mile drive to the doctors in a rainstorm it's daunting. the furnace broke and I am unsure of the repairs. I have outlived all but one of my friends. I had a very active career. I find that being out of the mainstream is a challenge that wlalks my dogs relieve. I think more depends upon financial status is a strong factor in comfort, but I agree see what 80, 90 are like!
28
I'm sorry but I don't see how this applies to those of us who have had children die.
Or people who are living at or near poverty level.
135
@Everywhere
I have had a child die and have used that reservoir of love meant for him for others that have let me nurture and support them. I am 73 now and appreciate what I have not what I have lost. To do any less would diminish the love others have so freely offered to me.
172
@Catherine
I am so sorry for your loss, my grandmother lost both of her children before her own death, she told me it was the most difficult thing a person could face. If you are able to face each day with this, you are a amazingly person, and I applaud your courage. I wish you joy in each day.
52
@Everywhere Well I guess it depends on whether you see the glass half empty or half full . Losing a child certainly changes you forever , but it is thru losing someone that you learn to be brave . My sisters both lost their only sons ; one was my godson , the other like my little brother . Their grief was deep but it was their very grief and their struggle to find meaning as to why that I saw their bravery . They will always be my heroines and in a sense the wind beneath my wings .
14
I am a seventy-six year old male, so maybe my ideas are not relevant. However, in all humility, I am not convinced that one old person's experiences or conclusions have much to do with those of another person.
302
@arp: Please delete "old" and evaluate whether the comment is still true for you. If so, that renders all writing that shares the writer's life experience and perspectives— including the "greats"—as not "hav(ing) much to do with those of another person."
I believe that we have might learn from hearing others' experiences and stories, and age is not the qualification.
7
@arp
You are absolutely correct. And the fact that the author is some type of clinical psychologist makes the nonsense she spouts even harder to swallow.
15
Most relevant comment I have read thus far.
6
I'm nearing 50 and I've decided that if I were to get a terminal illness such as cancer, I (probably) wouldn't fight it. And certainly if I were in my 60's or 70's I wouldn't fight it. I'm not depressed. I just don't think I'd need to prolong this life. I don't have a partner or a child. My sisters and niece would miss me. But it'd be okay. I don't have enough savings to retire before 80 anyway. And really with Climate Change coming down the pike with a fury, do I really want to live the next 30 years?
I think I've learned what I need to from the first 50 years. Savor every day. But don't grasp too tightly. Death comes for us all.
170
@francesca please- you are not nearly at your Half-life of wisdom and benefit to those around you- and I am younger than you. It doesn’t matter whom you think you will miss you. It matters how much you enjoy the time you have and to whom you give even in form of inspiration. You will be taken care of.
12
@Francesca My mother is 98, in an assisted-living home that will no longer be affordable if she hits 100. My father died of Alzheimer's 15 years ago. I have no desire to extend my life past my brain's function or past my financial resources. A friend told me, "But consider the alternative!" Whatever comes afterward, I think it might be interesting. Death doesn't scare me, but I have a lot of books I want to read first.
106
@francesca
I like living.
Phone calls drop off sharply in the next world.
8
Ms Pipher, this is beautiful. Thank you so much. You have put into words my own evolution from youth, through adulthood, to being a septuagenerian. Yes, we have each lived 73 years. There have been joyful times and certainly sad ones. But I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. They are mine, they are me.
At 73 I find myself with the love of my life - my husband of 51 years - dying a slow, cruel death from Parkinson’s Disease. I visit him daily, and we still see in each other what made us fall into a lasting love. Yes, there are many a day when I cry. But I am happy..and lucky because I am surrounded by love. As you write, with each passing year we grow in wisdom, empathy, and compassion. Age can be transcendent and also motivating. It can be a force to grow even more and to pursue those opportunities and interests which await us all.
67
@Kathy Lollock
Visit your husband -- that is a luxury not afforded many.
4
@Mary Mary, you are correct. My husband, thank God, had long term care insurance. His PD is so advanced that it is even difficult for him to swallow. I often find myself thinking that we would lose everything that we worked for over the years if not for his LTC insurance. I am a retired RN, and I have become an advocate for seniors with disabilities. Our society, and government, needs to embrace rather than discard the aged.
8
At any age, but especially in our 70's, if we live so long, we can choose.....to be happy or sad or mad or disgruntled; it is our choice and ours alone. The choice we make colors our days, the few we have left to us. I choose to practive happiness and
stop bemoaning what is not and take joy in what is. It is certainly better than the alternative. Each day is a blessing and, whatever we may feel, it is still a wonderful and beautiful world. Thank you, Ms. Pipher for a most inspiring essay.
37
Maybe it isn't the current norm, but I just turned 68 three months ago - 9 months after meeting the love of my life, who is 72 and whom I happily live with now. Mary Pipher's upbeat reframing of the older woman troupe is welcome, albeit much more of a challenge for those without financial security. And there are surprising narratives, such as my own, I believe will become more common when we think of ourselves as the goddesses we truly are.
53
@ggaia60 Go Gaia. I turn 72 next month, and after a long life of being single (and a short empty marriage decades ago) I have met the love of my life. How different life is when there is someone to share it with, who cares about you, who you can hold, nurture and care for and yes, caress.
7
Very optimistic and upbeat but if I find bliss looking at a caterpillar I think I will need some medicinal marijuana. I am 68, cranky, my son never calls, and I am about to lose half of my family within the next year due to forms of cancer that have little hope attached. I am healthy and for that I am grateful. I have been in the medical field, left the field way too early but was burned out. There is something that feels disingenuous about this essay and I am old enough to recognize it when I read it. Nice try though. And I can relish the scent of woodsmoke without having to leave a friends funeral first.
534
This is my favorite comment! I'm a rather bi-polar 70 year old. Sometimes buried in dread and just as often content and calm. Neither state of mind feels like a choice. Donna tells it like it is - full of huge disappointments and pain that can be mediated with humor and perseverance and I discern a touch of delight.
47
@Donna
Perhaps not medicinal marijuana, but, more likely, meditation. Dr. Pipher's column has the feel of someone who meditates regularly, as evidenced by her ability to understand the power of living in the present, her recognition that suffering and joy are not mutually exclusive, and her awareness of the difference between choice and control.
Your description of yourself as "cranky" - at 68 and in good health - reflects choices and a story you have determined is "true" about your life and possibilities. In such a world, a column like Dr. Pipher's must be "disingenuous" ... but what might it mean if it weren't?
42
@Donna How lucky you have been to have had your family til age 68.. Many of us lost our loved ones when we were much younger-- and have had to learn to live with the mystery and deep sadness of this life. Being cranky now is appropriate-- Death of loved ones is lousy and heart-breaking .. But when you're ready, look around and notice how this is our human condition.. and you'll have a new compassion for others.
20
I've read the readers comments. It's a hardship to lose ones spouse. The greater the love, the greater the loss.
Most compare sex as having a great marriage. It's later when one learns that love is about behavior.
The foundation between two people starts with respect. Raising children seeing them grown and gone, illness, lost of friends wasn't in the menu when one was younger.
My life is complete. In my 70's enjoying whatever faces me when I get up. I've made life easy, comfortable and feel grateful. I would say to owner women/men be happy with who you are today. After all everything is temporary.
25
Mary Pipher writes, "In America, ageism is a bigger problem for women than aging... we are denigrated by mother-in-law jokes..." What about those grandma and geezer jokes? I
There's no place for a woman who wants to keep working, who's up to date with tech and social media, who's lucky enough to be going to zumba class instead of medical appointments. She's still treated as "cute" and subjected to patronizing, insensitive remarks on a daily basis. Potential employers look at her face -- not her fitness levels -- and the stereotypes surrounding age. They point to movies that reinforce stereotypes, such as The Intern.
There's no other disadvantaged group that is expected to tolerate this degree of disrespect and discrimination, and still come out smiling and praised for being resilient "in spite of..." this treatment. We should be fighting for our rights instead of celebrating our vibrancy (which is, as some readers noted, limited to healthy, financially comfortable women).
And if you're not healthy, you'll be treated patronizingly by the medical profession. You'll be subject to abuse in many institutions. You'll likely be overmedicated and over-treated. Read Christiane Northrup's book, Goddesses Never Age. Read anything by Gilbert Welch on overdiagnosis.
Would be tell other groups (such as African-Americans) that "happiness is a choice" and dismiss these very real assaults on their personhood? I think not.
281
@PhillyPerson
Join us (70 +) men/women in next Broad Street Run. Quite an age group!
2
@PhillyPerson
White people using their sympathy to reinforce a perpetual sense of victimhood among many African-Americans is not helping anything.
5
@PhillyPerson
You might enjoy The Murderous Urges of Ordinary women by Lois Meltzer, in which a book group of age fifty-ish women uses its invisibility as a cloak for perpetrating revenge on ageist, sexist villains.
However infuriating and unfair iit is to get no respect and however twisted and wrong ageism is, one can build up personal structures of psychic protection, which may be what Mary Pipher is getting at.
We elders would be much better off if we organized, became a coherent social community working against ageism. AARP actually aims at that.
Thank goodness for examples like Nancy Pelosi!
10
In short
time is a humbling force and can dictate priorities, what is important, what choices we need to make and what excuses we need to ignore.
19
Thank you for this gentle essay. Our 5-year-old cat is the first animal who may very well outlive me. That is humbling and real, as we grow old together.
I am 76, and like most of us at this age, have experienced both heartbreak and joy. I am grateful for blessings, aware of the many who are not as fortunate. I still write seven posts a month for forbes.com and am on the board of an arts funding group. My husband works full-time at 80. Who knows how long this good fortune will last, but that unknown makes every minute more precious, especially the moment I awake to a new day. And nowadays I do prefer sunrises to sunsets ....
53
How optimistic and upbeat.
"The only constant in our lives is change." That change Dr. Pipher as you know brings you closer every day to the end.
For many people in their 70s, men or women, life is not so rosy. Here is how William Shakespeare described the last age of Man (sic! Works for women too):
"Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."
That describes a whole bunch of elderly who cannot or will not read your essay, on a screen or on paper, and for a variety of many non-positive reasons.
But if this optimism keeps you happy, alive and functioning, good for you.
41
So unreal for so many people. As another commented, if one has limited financial means, old age becomes very troubling. Add in poor health, and it's no bed of roses.
I am comfortable financially. I am VERY grateful for this! I lost my husband when I was not yet 62, 13 1/2 years ago. I miss him every single day. Things are different without ones life partner. Remarriage? Well, few men I know who are my age want a 2nd wife their own age. They have their Viagra and they are going for 20-30 years younger.
But the game changer is ones health. After my husband died, I decided to get in better shape, respiratory problem or not. I did and lost 70 pounds and breathed far better. It was life-changing! Then the respiratory problems got far worse and have continued to do so. Shortness of breath is a huge problem which means mobility and getting out more are very difficult. I still go to my pulmonary rehab 3 times weekly when I am well enough to go.
Family and friends? Well, grandchildren get older and children busier so that's no longer the wonderful distraction it once was.
Get involved in new activities? Make new friends? Just not possible with breathing/mobility problems. I have wonderful doctors but there is only so much they can do. A progressive disease is progressing.
I'm not doing anything "wrong". I just got really unlucky losing my husband and later my health. And I'm definitely NOT the only one my age to whom this has happened.
359
@India
Of course not. Let's not fool ourselves that our best days are not behind us--all the sky-diving in the world isn't going to change that. We can try to make the best of what we have but I know that having lost the man I shared my life with since I was 20 years old three years ago there is a joy that is gone and it will not come back.
95
@India
i was happy and healthy until reaching 70. then my husband died, and also my health began to deteriorate - not related ! now 76, i have a host of health issues i wouldn't wish on an enemy. please take your ill- fitting optimism elsewhere.
20
A lovely essay!
16
Thank you for this beautiful essay. I'm overwhelmed; it has brought so much comfort. Eight months ago, I lost my husband of 34 years and I know that I'm now at a crossroads of re-formulating my life. Approaching my 70s, I can now look at it with an entirely new perspective. Thank you.
36
Well, happiness is a choice for those of us in the upper classes . . . but what about those with insufficient funds to make it through their elder years in comfort?
Surely those millions of older women, and older men, cannot "choose" to have the means and the resources that they lack . . . reality matters, as much as attitude, don't you think?
476
@LCG
In my experience, money isn't what determines whether a person chooses to find joy in life. Plenty of lower-income people choose happiness, and many affluent, healthy people seem to be permanently cranky.
113
@Kate
It's hard to be happy when you're hungry, ill, and poor.
43
"Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice. ... We know how to create a good day." So often true for older men, as well. Thanks for the lovely and insightful essay.
27
Am I the only 80 year old woman out here reacting negatively to this piece--my lack of energy, the pain of arthritis, the loneliness of life with so many dear friends dead?
It's not that my life is without any joy, but, in my opinion, this piece doesn't realistically address the hard challenges of aging.
824
@AAL
Don’t you feel blissful enough? Try harder. Go find a caterpillar. Do not contemplate death. Forget insomnia, sciatica, arthritis ... and so on.
(PS I agree with you.)
47
@AAL
the large number of recommendations here show agreement with you!!
28
@AAL, I'm not 80 yet (73 this week) but I agree with you 100%.
31
It sure is true that old age can be fashioned by sheer will and good decision making to be consistently pleasurable. Learning to accommodate to the peculiarities of the others in one's life, vowing to move on from all the pains and sorrows, taking better care of one's own health, discovering many activities that bring a smile to one's face; all these are the sacred responsibilities that guarantee happiness to this 76 year old, and to all my dear friends as well.
21
I'm in my 70s and totally agree with this article. In fact, I'd just as soon the Mainstream Media leave us alone. We don't need them and they don't understand us anyway. I have certainly had my share of both joy and tragedy, but I treasure the friends in my "shelterbelt", my husband of 46 years, and we are all finally free enough and brave enough to work for change as well as embrace it. I treasure the honesty of my contemporaries, and feeling of being strong and resilient, even as my body ages and I grow physically weaker and more vulnerable.
I thank you for writing this.
29
@Diana Witt Mainstream media???
Yes. I meant just that. Most of our news and information sources are managed by older white men. Even when that's not the case, that's still the prevailing culture. The internet is both good and bad, but at least it is easier to find others who share your ideas and can be supportive. I don't by any means feel that we should be exclusive and ignore other points of view, but we experience exclusion in the prevailing national discussion.
@Elizabeth
5
I write novels about older women, and I blog about life in the second half, because I passionately believe there are gifts to unwrap and strengths to revel in after age 50. I'm 65. I have never been happier, even with age-related sadness and pain. There is so much to love about older age. Thanks for writing this. My blog is AnyShinyThing dot com.
29
My Mom is 74...I got her tickets to Elton John for her birthday later this month (he's in town 3 days after)...she's pumped! When she comes over my house she is always bumping something in her car. I love my mom!
24
@Scott Franklin
Maybe you should drive her to the concert.
4
@Madeline
and pick her up after
3
Thanks for the reply...but why spoil her fun?
2
Thank you, Mary Pipher. Your writing regarding the joys to be found in our eighth decade is a rare validation of exactly what I have experienced in my 75 years. Your gift of articulation brought a delightful self-satisfying smile to my whole being, as well as inspiration to not acquiesce into the "pasture," but to break the cycle of assumptions we pass down to younger generations by living my joy at all times. You made my day!
28
Thanks for an upbeat opinion article.
"Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice."
Surely, as a clinical psychologist, you are aware that this is overly simplistic.
222
@Karen Lee, I think as a woman and as a clinical psychologist, Mary Pipher absolutely knows that it is indeed this simple. It may not be easy but it really is simple
38
It really is that simple! Look up the "Action for Happiness" group. It's about choice and practice.
4
“Only” 65 here, but I am feeling the joy of this new phase developing within me. And I love it!!
Recently my son was trying to sympathize with me about how awful it must be to be an” old” woman. I feebly tried to explain how it is actually quite wonderful in lovely and unexpected ways. But I could t find the words. Here are the words! Thank you!
42
@JK
Make a copy of this and give it to your son with a smile on your face!
1
I have been encouraging my 72 year old wife renew her pilots license, get checked out, fly!, go skiing at every opportunity, go to all the great scuba spots, ride the horses and ride the bikes with me. These may be her last good ten years. I know at 83 these were my last good 10 years.
34
I hope Mary understands that both the response she’s getting from friends and her experience are highly generational. I’m glad though that Boomer women are starting to be willing to talk about being old. It’s wearying to get shut down time and again by women a decade or two older than me when I start talking about aging and getting old — they panic for themselves and cut me off with “you’re not old, you’re young!” as though I’ve just put myself down. But no, 50 is not young, and it took a lot to get here. I’d like to talk about aging now. And it doesn’t have to be a land of wonders, either.
51
@roger grimsby 50 is young when you are talking to or about women in their 70's.The 20 years' difference is huge. So much of life happens in those years that you would not feel that you were qualified to discuss.
4
You think you get negative comments at 50! I am 40 and want to talk about aging. I get condescending and bitter comments.
7
Thank you, Dr. Pipher for a wonderful article; I recognized my own attitude in it. I have 2 biological children, 1 stepchild, and 4 grandchildren. I go to an exercise class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. I retired from work last year and have gained many friends over the last few years. I see my college roommates (class of '59) as often as possible. I go to church, attend inspiring music concerts, and explore imaginative art exhibits. My house and car are paid for. I have no major health complaints.
I am 81 years old; I cope well; and I know that I am lucky.
139
What a wonderful description of being 70 and for the reward for all the years we 70 year olds have lived through. How to make sense of the clash of expectations after childhood in the 50’s and then the revolution of the 60’s and the idea of Women’s Liberation? We were still trapped by gender and change was slow but we endured to see women with the ability to make their own life choices. There’s a long way to go, but so far the changes in my 70 years have amazed me and I’m hopeful for future generations.
I’m also thankful for everything expressed in M. Pipher’s wonderful essay. It took a long time but I’m finally living exactly the way I choose. No one telling me what to do, or how to be. The only negative is most of those special friends don’t live close or are gone and making that kind of friend is so much harder now. A joke gift’s saying, “I never knew how funny I was until I started talking to myself”, isn’t too far from the truth. The heartbeat of my sweet dog is a blessing and I never feel alone. I turned 70 on 12/31 and decided, rather than sit on my couch, I’d go skydiving and I did because it was my way of welcoming my new I chapter. Cheers!
57
Thank you for reminding me how very lucky I am. I do think about this often but as many others, I can get down because of health issues and other aspects of life I cannot control. But a life partner, a good but sadly dwindling group of friends who share the cares of growing older, my wonderful town library, exercise classes, and—most of all—the laughter of terrific grandchildren remind me how fortunate I am. I would just add one thing: it’s important to give back to others and your community if you can, most important to give of your time. Everyone needs connections to feel valued.
72
This rosy but rather saccharine ode to old age seems to me to reflect the perspective of a privileged minority. It would be difficult indeed to maintain such a positive outlook in the face of grinding poverty or catastrophic illness.
836
@Lee yes that is one view; yet you have left out the realities of "priviledged" women who also have tragedies and catastrophic challenges to face. Attitude still gets the strong through and with empathy my heart breaks for those living in abject poverty seeing no way out. Yet, we who are so called priviledged and self respecting will devote time, money, and energy to lifting our sisters up.
44
@Lee
So are you disappointed that some people do not face grinding poverty or catastrophic illness? Should everyone be miserable just because some are (mostly for reasons that are beyond our control) ?
11
@Lee Exactly! I read it thinking of the piece I heard on NPR about a 71-year-old grandmother raising two grandchildren in DC. Her job was janitor in the Department of Agriculture (a contracted job) and she wondered how she was supposed to pay the rent and support the kids now that the government is shut down. Sorry, Mary Pipher -- and I'm sure you're a lovely person, but -- Must Be Nice.
44
And one thing that can add to the beauty of life at 70 is a realization that life is eternal. Death is only a birth into the next life. When one dies, their spirit breaks free from the cage of the body and it takes it's flights to the realms of lights and delights.
Happy Living.
32
@Thomas Oh, I don’t know, I’m fine with being dead and gone. I don’t see this as a problem.
5
@Thomas I hope you're correct. And can you support your hypothesis?
1
A great article, still, no one talks about the disorienting loss of one's body that defined "self" for 40 years. From 15-55 we are, basically, the same person. On a deep level we're fully identified with a body that has waist and hips, strong limbs, thick hair, etc. And yet (if we're lucky enough to keep living) that sense of permanency will be shattered by our early 60s. I can only hope that my 70s will lead me to embrace this entirely new and different body I see emerging, every day.
114
After reading your comment, looking back from age 70, a part of my life used to revolve around how I looked and if I fit in. I was used to being admired, sought after, and desired. It was part of my success, my marriage and my lifestyle. I think I understand what you’re saying and what you fear. I can only speak for myself, but once I let that part of my life go, I became so much more myself. The focus changed and it was so much easier not to care. Of course, when my ex-husband called and wanted to visit, I said, “yes, but not for 1 year, after I finish loosing weight”, so I’d be the same as the last time he saw me. We had a good laugh. There’s no way to get around the physical changes that come with aging, except trying to stay healthy. It helped me to focus on the other parts of my life that give me joy.
42
@Betsey: yes and no. Not every one is so lucky to have an ideal figure, or be slim, or be healthy, or be free from disabilities! Not everyone goes through puberty and emerges as a cute butterfly -- and not everyone falls apart after menopause. And I honestly don't know a soul who looks "the same at 55 as they did at 15"....and I am not sure I'd WANT to!
It's my observation that aging is much, much harder on the folks who were exceptionally good looking in their youth, and struggle with not being "the prettiest" their whole lives, because our culture lacks the ability to see beauty in aging.
14
Good article and as a man I only add, ditto.
21
I am "only" 60, but this sums up exactly how I feel. Thank you to Dr. Pipher for reminding us how fortunate we are when we can take full advantage of our emotional maturity.
46
@dvp
Ah, yes, you are 60 -- 70+ is a whole other thing. With sufficient money, good health, and supportive friends life will continue to be "good" for you. But for many others it "turns south" with more deaths among those you love; often painful, debilitating health ailments; shrinking money reserves; and problems with memory and mental processing. But you may be among the lucky few...
4
Reading this lovely article, I thought ... "timeless" and "ageless" and "genderless" ... Mary Pipher has exquisitely described a state of mind that is humble and grand simultaneously. Bravo! I say as I bow deeply. Thank you.
41
This is a "keeper" of an article, one to savor periodically as I continue to age and experience its profound truths even more deeply. I will watch for your book. Thank you.
42
So refreshing to hear someone speak up for herself over the din of insulting cliches.
I am a few decades away from my seventies, but I can relate to finding my overall quality of life improve with time.
On one hand, younger years tend to mean the healthiest years, which is invaluable.
But with age comes perspective, wisdom gained from living and learning, and the liberation of caring increasingly less about outside pressures to look certain ways. Most of all, I increasingly understand that life is about enjoying what you do have, not lamenting what you don't.
48
Inspiring article.
But, about the "rich web of women friends". That was true in my somewhat younger days. I have lost several good friends now to old age, and it is very hard to make new good friends. Acquaintances are not the same as good friends, and do not fill the void.
423
@chrisinroch Try to not rely on a small, specific circle of friends, or one's mate for that matter. Learn to enjoy your own company. Try to see nature as a whole, as yet another 'friend' to keep you company. Go hiking, for a walk in a park, do gardening, feed the birds, etc. We are one with this universe and all that lives within it. We are all alone, and yet, one in our solitude.
It's best to have friends of all ages...older, similar to your own age, and younger. Join a few volunteer groups. Find hobbies that will put you around other people.
173
I loved your book, Mary. Had to underline things you said every few pages. This is a profound understanding of how we age.
11
Hail Mary! What a wonderful essay.
23
Oh, Mary, how good to re-greet an unmet old friend -from your earlier writings. I am now 82, and find that I have developed a way to find immense Joy even in the face of some profound Sorrows. On balance "it's all good."
84