This is how I lost so many friends.
Friendship needs attention also.
But I left then waiting and years passed. When I discovered them again, they were another person and so was I.
I will tell you right now, if you are counting on children being your friends when they are grown you are going to be unpleasantly surprised. Yes, they love you; don't worry. Now, though, they have a family and bills and jobs and limited time..... and parents are always the last to be called because every kid knows that parents understand and forgive. I did.
Meanwhile, that person who feels something for you is wondering why, what did they do wrong? After a time they will accept that the relationship they hoped to have actually never was and they will move on with their lives. The worst part is when they run into you later it's going to be you trying to make the connection and they are going to be the ones who have moved on far beyond what you became.
532
Bingo. Beautifully said. The author needs to tend to her friendships, and not just make everything about her kids (or more precisely, virtue-signalling her concern for her kids).
218
@Susannah Allanic: I have some old and dear friends who are clearly doing to me what KJ is doing to HER friends (and likely, from what she says here, to her employers, her colleagues, her readers).
They are busy, and they see their family and jobs as far more important than friendships. They have made it VERY VERY CLEAR to me that they prioritize other things over me to the degree that I am not work the 2 minutes it would take to write "hi! how are you?".
I wonder if they will feel differently in a few years, when we are all retired -- I'm roughly 15 years older than KJ -- but I know that time and tide wait for no one.
Last year, I lost two old friends -- from high school -- who suddenly died in their early 60s. We never got to say goodbye or tie up those loose threads, because for 30 years, "everyone was always too busy" -- kids, jobs, spouses, travel, family, holidays -- and we made one another a low priority. Now it's too late forever.
116
@Susannah Allanic
Good points. Who remembers the Cat Stevens song, “Cats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon...” ?... And as Dr. Phil has said, “You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. “
54
Excellent article! Many times when our son was in his pre-teen years, I had to decide which was more urgent (important?), answering emails or responding to family needs. Fortunately, I most often chosen my family.
I do not ever regret this choice - the emails would always be there; the family was continuing to grow up and away whether I was there or not.
I would have been the loser each time I didn't choose my family first.
68
Good for you?, I guess.
In the time it took you to write this article, a quick response to a friend (one assumes) could have been penned. However, it, and that person attached to said e-mail, is clearly not a 'must-do' or even a 'must-have' from your side of the equation.
However, we all have our priorities, of course. There are only so many hours in a day, and so many opportunities and distractions that can divert from those priorities. And relationships change, over time, and especially with kids.
You have made your clear.
Your friend will now also have to choose hers/his.
183
Perhaps the person whose email you ignorned is sitting alone; waiting for your response as a connection to another person, or as a step to moving forward on a necessary project. They may not have a child or spouse to encourage them onward. It may be that the smug importance of your wonderful full life left someone else hanging. Empathy is seeing the world through someone else's eyes. Having children does not remove that basic human obligation.
255
I, too, disregard emails. Sometimes I find them days, even weeks later. If important, I send off apologies and "mea culpas" and hope that the person forgives me.
When I send emails and don't get a response, I don't get annoyed, as I know the receiver is going through a complicated calculus about whether to respond. The lack of response might be due to work pressures, family pressures, or just the bad luck of when the email arrived - stuck in the middle of time sensitive emails and now relegated to the bottom of the email pile.
And if the email is important, I write again with the words "gentle nudge".
And if the information is time sensitive, I pick up the phone.
130
I completely agree with the importance of paying real, non-distracted attention to the people who are physically with us (besides "importance", it makes everybody feel good). Also feel strongly that parents need to model actual listening, and screen-free communication to kids. But the tone of this essay is - perhaps unintentionally - so smug. The message to "you" seems to be "you're outside my adorable family life so you don't matter."
432
@laq: I don't see that at all. No one writes 3,000 words to someone who "doesn't matter."
2
It’s intentional (the author is a professional parenting writer after all). I just can’t tell if it’s meant straight or as a parody, because it’s so over the top and includes just about every trope in the blogosphere.
52
This piece is about so much more than not returning emails. For some reason brings to mind Rume: "In between right and wrong there is a field. I'll meet you there."
21
Something tells me that when the power company turns off your electricity because you didn't answer their email saying that they never received your last payment, your cry, "But I'm a mother!" will not do too much good.
47
Set an auto-reply that says you are occupied and will respond soon. Boom.
21
The friend who ignores my emails has neither kids nor job. She paints and works out most of the day, from home. Soon I will have to drop her as a friend because this is plain rude and disrespectful. I have profound hearing loss and cannot manage on the phone.
36
What you need to do is write one more email & send it to every contact, no matter how you are connected.
Hi guys, I love to get your emails, but, no matter what they say, I will ignore them, spend 2.4 seconds feeling guilty & from now on delete them immediately as I know I will never answer them. Even if you tell me you have terminal cancer & need, really need, to talk to me, please call. I won’t call either, as my child has a disgustingly funny joke to tell me. And I have been your friend since kindergarten. See I have realized I am a lurker. I belong to email groups to read, not participate. I have the email addresses of friends, people I work with, bosses, so they can email me, not so I can email them. This is just the way things are guys, so just remember, no matter what (unless it’s a pink slip from the boss), send you a reply just won’t happen. But, if I email you, it is so important your world must stop immediately, until you read, think about your reply for hours, then write it. No one is more important than ME.
44
I could have answered a couple of emails rather than wasting time reading the bit of this column I did before being overcome by revulsion.
99
This is brilliant! If I ever have the occasion to email you, I will fully accept a non-answer as proof that you are living your life.
15
Oh - so this piece also actually arrived as an email for those of us on KJ's mailing list. It includes this paragraph:
Is it a little ironic that I'm dropping it into your email inbox, especially on a Sunday? It is. But of course--I don't expect a reply! And that's my new email motto: If it's important—and requires a reply—do so when needed. Otherwise, read it or not as you chose, and let it go. (So if you're one of the many who read the essay literally and want to know why I can't just answer your email, there you go. I will. If it's important and requires a reply. Will I offer a cheery Thanks! or other inbox-filler? Or set up an auto-reply explaining why I either didn't reply or will be slow in replying, on the theory that I'm so much more important than you that you should deal with emails from me even when I cannot deal with emails from you? Or reply all to your email about the department potluck? I will not.)
Forgive me if I find this all to be a little ... offputting. There was nothing in the essay that suggested it shouldn't be read literally. Kinda feels like a cheap shot, KJ.
38
This essay is a long, tedious exercise in virtue-signaling. Congrats. What a great parent you are.
122
We all have THAT friend who does not prioritize or reciprocate to our emails. Although you know they have their phones embedded to the palms of their hands at almost every moment of their waking day. Then they come back with a lame excuse. These people are selfish and not really your friend.
44
@JM
My favorite excuse people use for going dark with their smartphones is that they're "traveling". We are such a lamebrained, fainthearted species.
10
Do you answer "snail mail" sent via the Postal System? Do you respond to texts? Do you answer the phone when someone calls? If you do, and you don't answer emails, than this is just an affectation, a silly way to tell yourself (and everyone else) how wonderful a parent you are.
31
This article is all about power and narcissism, not about humanity. Ms. Dell'Antonio gloats that her privileged position allows her to place her family's needs and desires above those of others. If her children grow up to be just as smug and selfish, I would be unsurprised.
87
This article sounds like the author’s epic response to someone who wants to know why she doesn’t respond to emails. She says essentially: Here are 100 reasons why. The end.
10
We doctors send very few work emails but get a lot of them. I never answer them. I figure if it’s important they’ll come to my office. I can get away with this because there’s a doc shortage, so they won’t fire me even if I’m a jerk, which I am.
I will answer emails from family.
11
@vbering I thought it; you said it.
13
Your problem will soon solve itself, because you will no longer have any friends.
65
Becky did not answer Jeremiah’s letters, because she was a mother. Jeremiah died an agonizing and lonely death, never hearing a word from Becky. Because she was a mother.
49
Must be nice to have such a clear-cut set of responsibilities that responding to emails is entirely optional. Maybe we should all try this! Can't wait to tell my co-workers and student to stop distracting me with these trivial "work" messages. And to tell my family members and friends who live far away to stop bugging me about whatever-it-is-that's-going-on-with-them. All that matters is what's going on in my house, and my undivided writing time. Wheee!!!
Ok, sorry, I got a little snarky there. But the article seems to take the cliched, judgmental, simplistic position that "Tech is bad; physical world is good, and all people need to do is pull themselves away from their screens." That gives the impression the author is blissfully ignorant of the realities that many of us live in.
43
I am stumped as to what to write this week, so I will wax eloquently about my precious children and inability to respond in a timely manner to tedious email. Text me.
57
This past Friday night, I had the unusually opportunity to be at a party with my 21 and 24 year old sons. The time I saw his friends profoundly engrossed in their phones was astounding; their faces lit by our society’s ubiquitous digital glow.The incredible beauty of the ocean, the proximity to friends, the significance of the event were not enough. They could not resist the allure, the dopamine hit of a scroll through Instagram to see what others were experiencing.
These are wonderful young people. Thoughtful kind considerate people whom I love. Culturally and generationally their phone habits were as normal as wearing clothing. Their minds had been wired by this existential digital revolution that we are living through. Could it be that our brains are not yet evolutionary prepared for any of this?
Earlier in the day, as we sat seaside having lunch, my son mentioned that in less than 20 years this restaurant might be under water. My heart sank. These 20 somethings could not comprehend what the world had in store in their lifetimes.
At that moment, I could not blame them for wanting to escape into the digital universe.
We all are grappling to blend this incomprehensible transformation in accessibility to information with our most profound desires to be present for our children, as we attempt to them for a world that nobody quite knows will look like, while also forging deep meaningful connections with our fellow journeyman.
22
Many commenters seem to be taking this literally. The writer is painting a picture of life, not actually offering an excuse for ignoring email. Sheesh.
32
Seems like the writer could have responded to several emails in the time it took her to write this piece. Here is guessing that she will have less emails to respond to going forward.
21
I'm sure it's just coincidence how many women in their 50s I know who complain about having no friends now that their families are gone. Perhaps they could befriend each other but, given their self-absorbed attitudes (similar to the author of this article), I wouldn't bet on it.
33
I guess this woman’s rallying cry to be “present” is limited only to her.
Assuming this is a professional email, the email writer took time out of their own day, away from their own friends and family, to write it. I can’t help thinking this author is selfish and smug to assume that her family and her time are more important than theirs.
It’s not unreasonable to assume that a 47 year old mother works with other 40-something parents. What about their time? What about their kids? I’m sure they’re as needful and fascinating as the authors’. Why does the author get to abdicate her professional responsibility without any thought or concern for that of her colleagues’? What’s more, what if the email writer isn’t a parent. Does that make the time they took to write the email less valuable?
Not only does this email smack of self-centered privilege and a lack of empathy, but it’s precisely the kind of story that feeds assumptions that working mothers are less involved, less responsible, and less worthy of equal pay, promotion or other professional advancement. Judging from my own colleagues, this woman’s lack of respect for others’ time is, thankfully, in the minority, but I’m sure that anyone who is interested in building on the narrative of the “flaky mother as bad employee” won’t let facts stand in the way of a good story.
44
Wow, I never thought NY Times readers would be so literal! This is a beautiful article about how quickly your children grow up and how the writer understands that her relationship with her children will change forever once they are grown up. The “email” is just a device to explain how she is juggling the demands of modern life and the truly valuable time she spends with her family. Come on people, just admire some beautiful writing for once without comparing it to your perfect work ethics. This is art!
64
Perhaps the key to this article is the need "to write 3,000 words in the next 36 hours."
13
@Michael R, MD
Well said.
1
I don't find this funny or cute. I find it self centered. I have three kids and run my own company. I am stretched to capacity. I answer emails because a person took the emotional energy to write it to me, and deserves it in return. If I am stretched too thin at the time, I write a note that says I am highly involved in something else and would it be OK if I respond in a few days. most people, since they are people, say that is fine. I am not sure why the Times bothered with this article. And for what it is worth, I was not particularly clever writing, despite its intention.
36
Even after you are gone, your inbox will be full. True story.
10
Your inbox will not always be waiting for you, when you get fired for not answering.
Your kids are #1 priority.
Feeding your kids thus is a #1 priority.
So keeping your job and doing well at is a #1 priority.
But how do I find a balance???
I answer... yes.
2
I recently put up a permanent "vacation responder" on my personal email account. It reads:
title "My gmail account is flooded! Apologies in advance if you don't hear back from me (at least for a while) Re: [your email title]"
body: "Hi there!
As a new dad who recently returned to work, I spend little time monitoring and managing my personal inbox. I will most likely see your emails but I may not reply (at least anytime soon) unless it's high priority (or your name is [my wife's name] :))
After several months of falling behind, I'm putting up this auto-responder to provide fair warning that your email may not get a reply... and if you really want to get in touch, a second email, phone call, text, or tracking me down in person wouldn't be a bad idea.
Thanks for your understanding! Here's to living life not chained to a screen."
9
@Joe
Better than nothing, I suppose. How did it work out for you?
8
Might I suggest that if you spent less time writing about why you didn't answer my email, besides simply not answering it, you would have even more time to spend with the kids.
4
Point taken. I will never bother you with my emails again.
19
How did this piece get published? It is embarrassing to read. When my daughter was three years old, as guests arrived to her birthday party she was jumping up and down saying “Mommy, Mommy everybody loves me.” Well, at three it was as cute as can be. She is now an adult with children. She no longer acts like a three year old. She knows that she doesn’t know everything, she has gratitude for what she has in her life, and she doesn’t brag . The author of this article sounds like my daughter at three.
Let’s hope that her kids turn out all right despite being treated like they are the most important people in the world. I work at a rehab where often parents make the mistake of not teaching their kids how to wait.
34
@Awake in LA
Just another helicopter parent, allowing the kids to interrupt indicative of their low self-esteem and regard for anyone other than mini-me.
11
Too many take this fictional snapshot of life to be real. It is an essay folks. Nothing more.
8
Oh, come on. You didn't reply to my email because you were too busy posting selfies and wine mommy memes on Facebook
17
Besides not answering emails, may I suggest that if you spent less time writing about why you don't answer emails you'd have a lot more time to spend with the kids.
10
Thank you for this.
4
This is a hideous and self-indulgent demonstration of weaponizing your children with the sentiment of "my time is more important than your time." And by the way; It isn't.
34
If only there came ONE day when EVERY parent of small children refused to watch their stupid smartphones instead of their children, the world would be a better place.
I see parents who I know adore their kids who just can't put the things down until an emergency comes up.
The Times had a story touching on this screen addiction recently, too.
10
Answer the email! It’s extremely rude not to! There is an actual living, breathing person on the other end who, given the amount of time the author spent obsessing over the reasons why she did not answer the email, obviously had reason to reach out, and yet the author considers possibly ignoring him/her. And guess what, that person is every bit as human as the children you cater to. One day you might need this friend. I hope they disregard your attempts to reach out the way you did them.
17
I would have answered your email but I use my children as an excuse for doing things I really have no interest in doing. So, you should understand that I have no interest in you and your email, and you should probably do yourself a favor and stop emailing me.
19
If the author (or the NYTimes) wanted to provide justification for discriminating against working mothers in hiring, I can't think of a better way than this essay.
38
People might be missing the point of the article. It’s not one email, it’s 20, 50, 100 emails. From people who didn’t take the time to call.
14
In the time you spent thinking about and justifying why you hadn't responded, you could have responded.
1
So, in essence, I didn’t respond because I don’t prioritize you.
11
I think there may have been greater value in responding to the email than writing an "essay" (more like a journal entry) about not answering it. This isn't worthy of the NYT Sunday Review. The only intellectually engaging part of it is trying to figure out how many children she has.
16
This just reads as humblebragging.
32
I'm assuming that you won't wait 10 years to reply to my email that my marriage broke up, or I lost my job, or I'm struggling with the death of a parent, or a sibling has been diagnosed with cancer, or I'm freaking out about that abnormal Pap smear? But given how utterly and self-righteously absorbed parents like you are in the lives of their children to the total exclusion of every other human connection they have, you probably will. Just don't expect me to be there for YOU when you need me.
29
I was going to make some snarky comment about this more-maternal-than-thou article but decided to spend my time responding to emails instead.
35
Email at your own risk. Do not expect a reply.
2
Gee whiz, folks can we give a bit of grace?! The author is doing her best, attempting to connect with her children and all the others demanding her time! As a mother of four adults , I wish I could go back to those very busy days when they were all in need of my attention....then I would ignore the world and focus solely on those precious souls!
We need to give each other a break from the constant, instant tech connection that demands our attention at the expense of those whom we love!
Loved the article, good work, Mom!
25
@Mari
My best friend is a working triple decker sandwich generation mom - with a local elderly mother, kids, grandkids, a retired husband and still answers my every inconsequential email or text promptly. Because. she. cares. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
Hiding in the age of smartphones is only possible with subterfuge and for very good reasons. Having family responsibilities isn't a good excuse to ignore friends. It's just lame.
61
Why I Didn’t Read This Whole Article:
I was going to, really. I meant to. But my 6 year old daughter came up behind me, glanced at the screen, and said “We get the point— you feel a little bit rude for not acknowledging a person who reached out, which you are, and are employing righteous indignation to make yourself feel better.”
Just say, “Give me a few days” or “Let’s discuss”, but the answer, in this age of isolation and lack of civility, is not radio silence.
15
Great article!
3
Does this really need to take up a whole article in the op-ed section?
I’m sorry, I understand the author has good intentions, and a valid point, but basically this could be written in a couple of sentences along the lines of “I’d love to get back to the person who emailed me but I have limited time and a busy life with kids and family, and it may take me a while; or I may not even get back to you so reach out to me again. And don’t take my slow or non response personally.”
But a whole long repetitive essay on this topic is self indulgent. Really, I don’t need to hear the same thing in 10 consecutive paragraphs. Halfway through I gave up since there was nothing new or particularly interesting said.
23
@Dan Tauber
Really, it felt long, repetitive and indulgent to you? It did not feel that way to me at all. Do you have children and a demanding work? I have both. I often reflect on the choices I make concerning the two, and I feel horrible that I often choose work over time with my child. So does my husband, his dad. We feel we have to, because, otherwise, how will we provide for him? But I am also painfully aware how fleeting time is and that, on our deathbeds, we will not be regretting not sending more work emails but we will regret not talking more to our son. He is 10 now, and we are 42. I must make time to catch up with him before it becomes too late.
11
Suggesting a get together at some future time like lunch or a personal phone call explaing this would have been showing more ettiquette. Where did you ever get the time to write this article? Was it a money thing?
4
Seems a lot of people took a new year's resolution to be more selfish with their time. Great. Go for it. But don't waste my time with your detailed reasoning for it.
10
Wow! I can’t believe how literal NY Times readers are! This is a beautiful piece of writing, the “email” is just a device to explain how the writer understands that the connection she has with her children is precious and is fading. Can’t you just appreciate a bit of art without explaining how amazing you are at returning emails?
20
Seriously NYTimes? I know newspapers are struggling, but an essay from a woman telling us how busy she is, what a good mother she is, and what a wonderful child she has is not really news or other useful info.
26
There is no need to apologize for an intrusion into your life it’s mail
In the time it took you to write this piece, you most certainly could have responded to my email!
5
I'm wondering how you feel when your friends don't answer your emails.
A very indulgent piece of writing. Yes, we get it, you're a great mother who values her children over her friends. Uh, duh!
21
Bravo
Bravo
Bravo
Bravo
6
“Instead of answering your email, I wrote this obnoxious essay, in which I made it clear that my friends are way, way, way, way down on the list of things that matter to me.”
Guess what? Everybody’s busy and no one has time. But most of us find a bit of time here and there instead of writing a manifesto of rudeness.
34
Thanks for telling me you are too busy to answer my email, and also informing me I am not anywhere on your priority list. This is my last email to you, and I ask you to remove me from your contact list.
24
Yes, I have had to work (or work around) Mommy Trackers for decades. Yes, business that affects hundreds of people must wait because you are scheduling a play date. Your co-workers are sick of picking up your slack as you push sonograms, children's artwork, or worse, candy for their school projects at us. Here's a news flash - none of us care about your kids or your personal life. Or your excuses. Either be a full time mother or a full time professional, or suck it up and over extend yourself. Just don't inflict it on us.
20
It's really great that you have managed to determine your priorities and have adjusted the way you spend your time to cultivate those decisions.
As a friend, I don't require you to respond immediately (or at all if the email doesn't warrant one). I do, however, expect some sort of interaction if you'd like to keep me as a friend.
Your decisions have consequences and, as so many people here have already pointed out, deciding that you are too busy to respond to people will soon solve your problem because they will stop emailing you.
On a different note, this article was about 7200 words long. It didn't tell us anything we, as adults (with or without children), didn't already know. As such, I cannot see what value it provides other than to somehow make you feel better about your choices.
Next time you are going to write something so self-indulgent, consider making the article 3000 words and split the extra time you saved between being wholly in the moment with your kids and replying to the emails you don't have time for.
Everyone will be happier.
22
Did this piece make me want to savor the moments with my growing children? Yes, yes, yes.
But the more overwhelming feeling was a resolution to make sure I respond to emails from friends and colleagues timely so that I never seem as thoughtless and self-indulgent as this essay does. I have to agree with the commenters that say it sounds rude. Yes, I forget to respond to emails like this and for the same reasons. But I don’t give myself a pass, and strive to do better.
39
Don't worry, I will never have any reason to email you.
However, if you use email as an integral part of your work as I do, and you never answer my emails because you like to use your children as an excuse for avoiding getting your work down, then you probably won't be working in my organization much longer.
Parents should take time to be with their children in a meaningful way if possible. However, children should not be used as an excuse to not answer work-related emails about work that you are assigned to, work that has to get done.
You can't have it all. No one can. Don't whine if you don't advance in your workplace. I have to answer emails for work. It's not optional.
17
This is quite the bubble. It appears the author neither depends on others in the workplace for her livelihood, nor friends for the benefits of friendship. One hopes these groups do not depend on her for the same.
14
Congrats to KJ Dell'Antonia on her new book and on juggling a marriage, 4 kids and great career. Ironically, as the NYT Motherlode editor (a section I wrote for and still miss) she was known for getting back to all writers who submitted work in a timely manner. She was kind and inspiring, the first to publish many diverse female students of mine, launching multiple careers. To the very literal detractors here, I'd say: the email in question was clearly not an important work message, more likely from a stranger or acquaintance (which an editor might have asked her to clarify better.) When anyone contacted her at work during her editor years, she always offered a fast, generous response that gave everyone hope and many their first NY Times credit. I'm glad all the good karma she put out there is coming back to her.
28
In the time it took this person to write this self-congratulatory piece, she could have easily responded to several email messages.
Why even have email if you are going to snub and ignore those who take the time to write you?
14
This essay is remarkably self-indulgent and snarky at the same time, with its faux concern for the e-mail writer and blatantly insincere apologies. For someone to put herself and her children first is understandable. For her to expect cheers and admiration for the same is just odd.
23
Please.....we all have time to answer a work e-mail. We all have to juggle family and work, the author is not special.....yawn.
14
I did not finish reading your column for the very same reasons
19
Hmm...you squirt your daughter with a spray bottle? She may remember that in later years, so maybe try some other way to get her attention? Just a thought...
5
Just as the answering to prayer, the responses are Yes, No, or Not now.
1
I love this sooo much. KJ has written a Billy Collins poem in essay form, if Billy Collins had been a mother with four kids. Or maybe it's a much longer version of "the plums that were in the icebox..."
4
There was a time in this country's not so distant past when the virtue of hard work was obvious and indisputable. The country was built on on, and very clearly, had become a success because of it. Other countries observed and took notice, and had slowly built the value of hard work into their populous' psyche. Meanwhile, Americans have slowly lost the drive (one more thing to thank the baby boomer generation for). I had a plumber the other day complain to me that he simply cannot find apprentices anymore, as any 20-something he hires quits after a week or two: the work's too hard, the hours too long. Getting to work by 8:00 am is inconceivable. My point is that by not organizing her time efficiently, not executing her work on time, Mr. KJ Delantonio had set yet another bad example to the next generation, that of procrastination, of muddy priorities, of indiscipline. While the Chinese and the Russians are working hard, the Americans are talking nonsense to their overgrown spoiled kids (I worked 25 hrs a week in HS; something tells me his son does not). Shame!
4
...silly me: here I was feeling like my newsy emails were falling on offspring who could care less about what is going on in my aging world only to find their days are spinning by at a rate of speed I cannot even imagine. Now I can only accuse them of being good parents, hopefully as I raised them to be with their priorities in order and their values intact. Gone are the days when father worked and mum stayed home (often unhappily) in our little ranches with the "picture" windows...
1
Well that's one way to reduce the volume of incoming emails you're receiving.
5
Where there is a will, there always will be a way.
4
So you never got to answer the email, but you somehow somehow managed to cough up this lengthy piece about how you didn't. But sure, blame your kids if it makes you feel better. But it seems that the probability exists that there's something else entirely going on.
5
How interesting to read the comments on this piece. Some people seemed to interpret it as a celebration of how much your life means to you, and others saw it as disrespectful to the sender of the unanswered email. I’m afraid it felt smug and almost mean to me. Self centered. My life is full, and therefore I don’t really need you. You should pray that your life remain so full, and that you never find yourself alone, hoping someone you reached out to will write back.
25
Well, Ms. Dell'Antonia, you certainly found the time to write this rather long stream-of-consciousness blurt about what a wonderful mother you are.
I hate the mommy wars.
Here's a suggestion, if an email is from a friend. Reply with "I have to get back to you later! Hope you are doing well."
Just a thought.
25
Wow. I think a lot of people missed the point of this.
Her kids — nearly teens and teenagers — are of an age where when they want to talk to you, you grab that moment and hold it. How many parents complain “my kids don’t/won’t talk to me?” KJ knows that when a teenager gives you his or her attention, you take that opportunity, because who knows what you will learn, or more importantly, what the kids will learn from you, in that seemingly innocuous interaction.
My brother complained to me that his 9 year old doesn’t talk to him. “I ask him how school is; he says ‘fine.’ I asked what he learned, he says ‘nothing.’” That’s not talking with your kid; it’s interrogating. I suggested try telling the child about YOUR day. Ask him open ended questions. Talk about things that have nothing to do with either of your lives and go from there. Ask after their friends. Do what KJ has done here.
One last comment: it seems that electronic communication has made us tremendously impatient. Really, if you have to wait a day or two for me to get back to you about a non-essential matter, what’s the big deal? I have a friend who sometimes doesn’t respond to texts for a couple of days. I don’t get my knickers in a twist over it: she’s busy, as we all are, and my sense of entitlement isn’t such that I demand her attention at that moment or else.
24
Loved this article. When I got my first smart phone I also got a separate email address for it and gave it to...4 people. I get to walk, talk, ride a subway, have lunch and more, and be present for all of it.
I answer my emails when I get to the office and amazingly, the world has yet to fall apart.
If there is a true crisis - a rare event in anyone's life - I give my cell phone email out and tell them it's for this issue only.
I often tell people one other thing, especially when I see a text or email exchange starting up that is going to be unbelievably long, complex and stupid.
"Let's do this the old fashioned way. Give me a call."
Works wonders.
9
This essay is not about email. The writer is not seeking technical solutions nor does she need to be reminded of the courtesy of a 24-hour response.
The essay is about choosing the present moment—for her with her children, for others with their beloved and aging parents, or their spouse, or a long-time friend. The essay’s repetitive reference to the email could be any number of external nags that seek to pull us away from this present moment.
What are they for you? Then, you might understand the author’s purpose.
20
@JA
I would agree, except she keeps referencing "your" email, so there's a "you" here. The author didn't choose "mowing the lawn," or some other external nag that is always at the edges of consciousness, but, rather, something that involved a You, a person, someone who is being blown off. Do you have the sense it's a work email? I don't. It feels like a personal email. So the You reference suggests, to this reader, a certain selfishness to the self-absorption. Self-absorption isn't hurtful, selfishness is. But we all do it at times, don't we? She forgives herself, but I'm not sure our dear blown off "You" should also have to.
16
@ KJ Dell’Antonia, you are obviously free to do what you want to do with your email inbox.
But from the senders side...you would be an unknown voice in the Internet ether, if not for your columns here ( at least for me.) So, if I take the time to write an email to you and I have not, it would be a major effort on my part because something in your writing got me to do it. If you don't respond within a reasonable time in the email response world, let us say 48 hours, you would be lost in the flood of other emails, tweets, FB posts etc.
BTW this comment is after a couple of glasses of wine, I have not bothered to track your email address...
1
“Why I Didn’t Answer Your Email - Because my inbox will always be waiting for me, but my children will not.”
Hmm. After reading the piece, I think a more accurate headline would be
“Why I Didn’t Answer Your Email - Because I take on too many commitments, so after allocating the necessary time to my family, I don’t have any left over for anything else.”
The author needs to do some soul searching here. She points the finger at her understandable (and completely reasonable) need to spend time with her kids, but ignores the real culprit, which is her inability - either for lack of trying, or for being not great at keeping track of such things - to keep her professional and personal commitments involving people who are not family members down to a level that would be manageable.
6
You are doing a good job raising the next generation of self absorbed, entitled adults. Demonstrating that your children are important is great, but they need to experience that you view others as important as well. By the way, your article was painfully long. I had to skim to get through it. You could have saved some time there.
13
All understand as life happens. But by not answering (and in a relatively short time) shows rudeness and your dismissing the person as unimportant. People do not like it nor do they appreciate it. Because you are not organized/ have no follow through is not our fault.
3
@Jan: My friends know that if I send an email to them that originates with me, not an answer to them, then it’s important. I’m one of those who ‘hates’ to ‘bother’ their friends (a whole other problem). If it’s just to talk I text. If I get an answer good, if not, or I get one 2 days later it’s fine.
My husband & I text between the livingroom & the bedroom (I’m disabled). Better than banging on the wall if I need something, or yelling (he’s pretty deaf). Right now we are discussing (as I write this) about the Patriots game. Old time chatting on the phone is today’s texting. They just scored :) An email is like a snail mail used to be. To be answered as soon as possible. Long distance calls then were emergencies (real ones Donald) only.
1
Good lord. The email would have been more interesting than this, one hopes.
12
If you're too busy to reply to an email, just send one line:
"Great to hear from you! I'm really busy now, but will write in a few days. Thanks!"
That's all it takes folks!! Don't leave the other person wondering whether they should or shouldn't have sent an email, or whether they've offended you.
11
I think I wanna gag. I get it. You prioritize your family over your emails. A lot of us do. But there is a desperation in this article for all of us to say "Brava! Look how good you are." It's a struggle. For all of us. And sometimes we handle it well and sometimes we don't. Of course your thesis is correct. But do we have to sit in awe of your perfection before we can get to the point?
18
There is no excuse for rudeness. No matter how busy, involved or self-absorbed one is, one can always respond with one line such as: "Thank you for your email, more later".... that is... if you intend to respond at all. It doesn't even take 30 seconds to be polite. It would be a travesty to leave social etiquette by the wayside.
11
I chuckled all the way through this lovely article. It's a nice example of potted plant parenting.
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/14/well/family/what-do-teenagers-want-potted-plant-parents.html
As a potted plant mom of two teen sons, I spend a great deal of time simply being available for a conversation, a recipe experiment, or family time with our cats. I appreciate the chance to hear about their evolving opinions, issues, and interests. It's an honor, really. Who knew that teens enjoy the company of their parents?
"...I explained that I had work to do, that I needed, in fact, to respond to your email, and also to write 3,000 words in the next 36 hours. “I’ve only written 300,” I said.
“Then you just have to do that again," he said, “10 times"."
Lol, They have absolutely no sense of deadlines. Mine are the same way with me during semesterly crunch times.
It is usually true that the email can wait until tomorrow morning when I'm having coffee at my desk.
Commenters, I'm confused by the assumption that the author was ignoring an email from a friend. The essay provides no evidence of such scandalous negligence. Anyway, who talks to friends via email?
6
@Beanie: My friends are in Northern Cal., Louisiana, & overseas. So I do. I also, for chatting purposes, text.
3
People are writing comments here on how the author can find time or should find time for the email response.
These commenters are taking the piece too literally.
It is about priorities in life.
8
I am 57 and i think I've earned the right Not to answer emails. What I wouldn't do to go back to bathtime splashes, warm snuggles, and all the other "tedium" of daily life raising a kid. Those were the best of times. Emails can wait.
3
Missing element according to an unknown number of comment writers: Email from a friend or just from "one of us", an anonymous reader.
Note that in the newer world of the Tweet, more and more public figures who might have offered their Email to us now take partial refuge by offering only Tweet address.
KJ Dell'Antonia could just as well have posted a short and simple note: "I try to read Emails from readers, but only rarely is it possible for me to reply."
But then she would not have had a column of the kind she must produce as a Times Opinion author who "writes frequently about parenthood."
Even here in comment land where writing a reply is easy, it is not easy to elicit replies if you comment writer even ask for them as I often do in a renewable energy comment. "How do you heat and cool your home?" No reply.
Show your appreciation, whoever you are, if you get a reply. Otherwise why not just acknowledge 21st century reality.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
2
You won't answer the email when you are 57 or 67 because you will have grandchildren!
1
I'll happily forgive you for not answering my e-mail, and I'll do you the favor of not sending you any more so you won't waste a single second of your busy life reading my messages or thinking about how you really should answer them while knowing you never will.
5
Wow, this piece really flipped a lot of people out. We've all drunk too much serve-the-master-ade.
The point here isn't about choosing to be an irresponsible emailer. The point is indicating to your kids that they're more of a priority for you than work. And appreciating that the window you have to do that closes more quickly than you are likely prepared for.
The writer is very fortunate that she can be in charge of her own priorities. But the sentiment she expresses seems like one that, if our economic system was humane rather than just an ant colony, we should all be able to honor.
11
Thank you for writing this!!
3
Wow. The author has warm, thoughtful, playful interaction with her children, including two teenagers.
She has chickens and an apple tree.
A child who's not upset that her notes got buttered in the kitchen and another waiting patiently for her sister outside a music lesson.
This is also the mental picture I have of the White House in late evening.
Good night, Donald. Good night, Melania, Good night, Barron.
1
I wish friends wouldn’t email me at all. Call, text, ring the doorbell. I really just want to be friends, not pen pals.
1
@Laura: My local friends have died. But, I am not alone. I haVe friends all around the country & the world. Not pen pals. We do text, but, like longer missives sometimes & texts cut off if they are too long. Some people still have to pay higher rates for long distant calls, so I don’t demand phone calls. I do text with some (at their work) replies can be hours apart. We understand that. But, sometimes emails are better. Like when asking for info: My addressbook is among the missing: so could you give me your address, email, phone, birthday, anniversary, wife’s birthday, etc AGAIN! Please. Doesn’t mean I”ll remember to send cards or presents when I should, but, at least we won’t lose each other. Death is the only reason to not have friends info (wish God gave everyone an email address in heaven).
2
This piece is about the digital era, not about a person’s inability to answer email. It’s funny and thoughtful. The bizarre comments suggesting the author is reckless in professional and personal relationships makes me think people have been answering too many emails and have lost all nuance and ability to introspect.
10
@Cathy: What I get from the column is if someone calls it goes directly to voice mail which she never listens to.
Time management is a skill. I have a kid and am an executive at a software company and help take care of my parents. I also put my wife first and value family, my interests and all other such things. Max, the time it takes me to respond to anybody about anything is one day unless I am on vacation. I tire of these excuses people have for being non-responsive. Unless you are the head of NORAD or the CIA or the CEO of Amazon, it is basic politeness to promptly respond to other people. I get maybe you can't do it immediately because something special was going on, but it is just a good practice of managing your own life to clear all your mail folders at the end and beginning of each day. I also have no messages sitting in my mailbox at the end of any day that are not categorized and dealt with. And no, I am not full of myself or especially talented - I consider myself, actually, quite disorganized. It is just a matter of not making excuses
7
Exactly which email is she referring to? The one from the attorney for the Nigerian prince? The petition to raise $100K for a terminally ill Labrador retriever? The breathless offers from 5 retailers to sell her the toaster she bought two days ago from Amazon? If any of these, well, duh. Why write an article about it?
Or is it a cousin who is asking what her daughter's clothing tastes are because she wants to send a present for her birthday next month? Or an old high school friend reaching out to say hello? Or a client who is having a problem with work she's done? Or her mother's care-giver who is describing a problem of increasing concern. If any of these, well, shame on her.
12
Interesting how hostile some of the comments are. Why does the computer have to be the main medium of social interaction? True friends understand that things may be busy for a person. If you always expect a fast reply to your email as a condition of your friendship, then you are not much of a friend, are you? If a friend is slow to reply to an email, why not call her up rather than taking umbrage? Or send another email saying, are you okay?
10
In the day before email . . .
When writing a dissertation many random events occur to compete with completing chapters. Most of the time I could avoid distractions by waking at 4am to write before leaving to work at 7am. Many evenings I prepared meals large enough to serve eight, even though there were only four of us. This allowed for time-efficient leftovers on a regular basis. Many weekends I wrote for hours while my dear spouse occupied our two boys with activities outside. It was a cooperative venture.
At that time, our youngest was a thin and cyanotic child we had adopted the year before. He would often seek me out at my computer to ask a question, locate a toy, or some cute whatever. Mostly, I could cajole him to rejoin the fun outside and let me work. That is, until one afternoon he came in from the yard with a serious problem “Mom, I can’t keep my pants up.”
Right. He had no fat padding in the rear and his tiny jeans had no elastic. Did we even have a belt that would work? Truly, boys can’t do much of anything if they are constantly pulling up their falling pants.
Earth calling Mom.
SAVE file. CLOSE program. Computer OFF.
5
To be honest (perhaps brutally honest, and I apologize for that), I found the writer's reasons for not emailing to be merely excuses, and that the entire reason for the article was merely an excuse to have something to write about---and sell to a publication. Writers do that. One mustn't take it too seriously.
17
I cannot put my finger on why Dell'Antonia's work consistently rubs me the wrong way. We're about the same age, we both have three kids, and are somewhat demographically similar. This is well-written, but I just can't connect with the "So many people NEED ME" feel of it.
12
@Sarah A: Sarah I think it’s because you, as I do, realize that if you ignore friends, work assoc., or bosses, they tend to go away, forever. She might not notice until the day the last child heads to college across the country & never starts writing emails, & from MOM learns to never answer them unless they want something. Then it will take a few years but, then we would be humming Harry Chapin’s song, Cats in a Cradle, every day.
3
This is exactly why I don't have mothers as friends. Because they don't make the effort to BE friends. Their kids are their number one priority and everyone else is just on hold as stand-ins for the kids when Mommy finds herself unexpectedly alone.
Now, I can understand making kids a priority, but I refuse to be on call 24/7 to be that stand-in. I resent being the one who has to drop everything if Mommy calls me. I resent that other people feel because I don't have kids, I have nothing else in the world to do but be available when Mommy has a free moment. Because I don't have kids, I'm expected to never be busy, never be tired, or never have anything urgent I have to do. I get fed up with being the only one to call or email only to find out I'm not important enough to rate a call or an email back.
Eventually I stop calling and emailing. And all of a sudden, Mommy wants to know why I went somewhere and she wasn't invited, or I hear what a bad friend I am because I don't call anymore. And it ends up being my fault, of course, because I "just don't realize how busy Mommy is all the time". Sorry, Mommy, I'm not here in the event you need an adult in your life. I have a life, too. And that life doesn't include waiting on you 24/7 to not be busy so we can get together.
I'm not saying choose your kids or choose me. I understand your kids are important to you. But being friends is a two-way street. Having to work around your kids to be your friend isn't worth it.
16
At the very least, inform your friends that email may not be the best way to reach you. Many people, like me, do not text and rely on email to connect with friends all over the world.
After a week of not responding to an email, you could at least acknowledge you have received it and will answer in full when you have the time. To leave a friend twisting in the wind is neither thoughtful nor friendly.
7
I didn't expect to see so many comments saying that not responding to an email makes one a bad friend. The heyday of emailing for me was in the 90s. I was an email fiend. I try to respond to emails within 24 hours but I do not believe that receipt of an email automatically creates an obligation for me where the sender gets to set the terms of that obligation. Such a mindset is unhealthy and presents an illusion of trying to control others in the guise of 'etiquette' -- and, frankly, much of what we assume to be proper etiquette is passive aggression. An example of this is the 'polite piece' one finds at potlucks or Friday bagels at the office where the last bagel or -- even worse -- last part of a bagel is left on the plate [Höflichkeitsstück, I think, in German].
So, not to run into too many tangents, I'll end by saying that the same ideas apply to text messaging. And I do have a mobile phone and in many instances a phone call would be more efficient and useful.
p.s. We may be friends on Facebook, a mostly phony attempt at Höflichkeit, but that does not mean that I follow you and your photos of your plates at Taillevent or wherever.
8
KJ - you perfectly capture the essence of juggling & making wise life decisions: in fact, I LOVE this piece!! I’m already 2 decades older than you & now a grandma, along with continuing my professional career (oh yes, I also loved yesterday’s NYT piece featuring women in my age bracket at the lead; in fact, 2 are personal friends). Thanks for bringing a smile to my face at the end of a weekend where I worked too much & still didn’t come close to doing all the work I’d thought I would!
6
Let's distinguish between types of emails. The first type are emails that should have been phone calls to answer immediate questions.
The second type are ridiculous forwarding of memes or responses to others' postings.
The third, and only important, emails are those that resemble what we used to receive through the post. Real letters! These should be considerately answered within a maximum of three days.
6
I did the corporate thing when I was younger, the 70 hr weeks, on call 24/7, delayed vacations or canceled altogether. I had all the goodies that when with it, high salary, car, big expense account - no questions asked. I also wound up with 2 ex-wives and a son who, to this day, does not talk to me. When the company changed hands I, ME?!?? was out just like everyone else. It took me two more companies to get the message.
This is my life, I'm going to do things that make me happy, part of that is helping other people, and of course, to spoil my Grand Kids (Being a GrandPa is the best job in the world!!). My goal in life is to wake up, to live my life as a conscious choice, not just as a reaction to events. I think it make take me a few more lifetimes to get there. It looks time Dell'Antonia is several steps ahead of me in her progress and I salute he for it. Don't change you attitude, you are right, but you know that already.
13
Happiest parent ever. I don't reply to emails, either, minus the kids.
2
KJ,
LOVE LOVE LOVE this essay- thank you!
6
My friend (widowed, retired, mother of sons who live 1000 miles away) told me that people don't reply to e-mails because "they ihave lives." Fair enough. I simply quit e-mailing.
1
Email turned white collar workers into work slaves and robots. Unless you are a doctor or trying to bring the Apollo 13 astronauts home, I can’t think of a single good reason why an email can’t wait 24 hours to be answered during regular business hours.
48
@Greg How about a 129K fee? I value my clients and if I want that fee, I answer their emails either when they arrive or within 3 hours max. My work is time sensitive and I am not a doctor or NASA employee. In fact, when a doctor overbooks and wastes my time, I am annoyed because my time is as valuable as his/hers, if not more.
6
I work at a large public college where I experience a constant deluge of emails. Like many here have mentioned, I have to perform triage and respond to pressing emails first. If I responded to every single email in a "timely" fashion, my concentration and focus would become so dilute that it would impede my ability to accomplish what I need to away from email (there are other things...gasp!). You see, each email addresses a different set of issues which often require thought, looking things up, asking someone else about something etc. Constantly shifting one's attention diminishes the ability to focus and think deeply (multi-tasking is a cognitive no-no by the way, look it up). Think about that the next time you "were really busy all day but don't know what you accomplished." This whole idea that everyone must be instantly responsive contributes to our addiction to gadgets, diminishes our collective attention span, and is making us all "dumber" as a society. Couple that with work creeping into all waking hours and what are we progressing towards? A society of miserable dilettantes who know a little about a lot but can't focus on anything, with diminished personal relationships and overall quality of life. "Idiocracy" meets "tech" servitude. Those die-hard "I'm a professional so I answer everything right away" comments conjure up images of sad Little Timmy wondering why dad isn't at his soccer game. I wonder how their families feel about their "professionalism?"
58
You need to train the people in your life not to expect an instant reply to anything. Only my adult child and my parent get a quick response (both are living hundreds of miles away). I have my email notification turned off at home and work. My IM is turned off at work. My cell phone is on vibrate and does not ring. My office phone ringer is turned down to almost but not quite silent. I let people think I am going to give a well thought out reply and not respond with the first thing that pops into my head but most issues resolve themselves before I get to them.
13
This article and many of the comments made me glad I am old. I’m beginning to think instant communication is the scourge of the 21st century. When once we were too busy to answer letters, we are now too busy to interact with anyone beyond our own personally chosen sphere. My children, my job, my interests are paramount and, if I have the time, I’ll squeeze you in but know you are not a priority in my life. It was so much easier when the unanswered letter sat for months. Have to run now. House needs decluttering and I need to tell my mother I don’t want any of her stuff.
7
I wish I had a job where all I could do was talk about my family and myself all day. I think that would be so much fun!
19
Lots of readers seem to have taken this essay very literally. Read as a metaphor, I think it offers a lot. Also, I am 57, an empty nester for the first time in 27 years and it's very quiet around here unless the phone is ringing because one of the "elders" needs our help (fractured pelvis, third TIA in as many days, possible stroke). Lots of time to answer emails though. So much time to answer emails.
12
I have friend who takes days or even weeks to answer emails, but answers text messages immediately! What is the difference? Also she has no children or anyone to cook for. I don't understand it.
2
@David Gold
She doesn't have her email on her phone, and she doesn't look at email every day, seems pretty simple.
6
Back in the dark ages when voice mail was the new technology, managers where I worked would let the messages accumulate and never answer them. The same behavior occurred when email became available. It takes (I timed it) 24 seconds to write "We are sorry we have no use for your services." Technology has allowed many to bypass the courtesy of a simple quick answer or response. And it is a courtesy in many instances. This lack of response, when it is today so incredibly easy to do, is what annoys me about the generations behind me who can't--or won't--answer a simple question in many instances.
3
@Mike S.
The mistake you make is in quantifying what it takes to respond instead of in emotional energy. Humans give of themselves their energy, which isn't about how long something takes but how much it takes from our quotient of energy and attention. If someone tells you they are shy, you wouldn't say: "Why don't you go up and say hello to a stranger, it takes exactly, um, let me see, I timed it, six seconds. It is so incredibly easy to do, I'm so annoyed by you".
You don't do that because you understand that this person is human, not a machine, and that what going up to the stranger will take is more than six seconds, it might take four hours for them to recompose themselves. The same is true in various ways for email.
For instance, according to a study at University of California, Irvine, it takes about 25 minutes after an interruption to regain your concentration. So if I interrupt you with a call about my services, and you're in the middle of reading a brief, and you just said "no thanks" in ten seconds, I didn't take a few seconds. I took more like a half hour.
8
@Mike S. I keep an word doc with 40 or so pre-written email responses. They cover almost everything in my business. And when someone repeats a question on an email chain that has been answered already I highlight the original response in yellow and then cut/paste it as my response. Most people are too lazy to find an answer their own questions.
1
@Frieda Vizel True. One of the reasons I left medicine was because of interruptions that were seldom urgent (but were stated as such) which took time away from the patient I was seeing. This was in the days before the profession agreed that interruptions (along with hurry and lack of sleep) were dangerous to patient care. If the email is part of one's job, then it warrants a reply. If it is part of a friendship, then it warrants a reply. When somebody does that is up to them. There is a difference between "not now" and "not ever," and I write this from the viewpoint of one whose good-faith (at least to me) communications too often fell in the latter category. Hence my bias.
1
The number of emails that are sent to people you know but are never answered is shockingly high, and it's not much different whether it's work-related or not. The answer, when stripped of all the excuses, is "You're not important enough to me."
11
Boy, there sure are a lot of details here. Ultimately they all sound just like "The dog ate my homework." The author delights in telling us why everything is more important than answering her email. It makes me wonder why she has email. In the amount of time she claims she thought about answering her email, over and over, she could have easily just answered the email. Instead she just continued to procrastinate until she could turn it into a money making excuse piece that hides her inabilities to multitask, separate and organize her tasks, and ultimately just get the job done. As an employer, I'd want a different person working for me.
21
This piece is charming and poignant. I loved reading this honest and beautifully articulated slice of life.
So many comments here sadden me. It's silly to think the "you" is someone specific. Many readers think the author is neglecting work (I suspect she's good at her job, as evidenced by this lovely writing) or a friend (friends understand a two-day delay).
The scenario is fictionalized. The point is to explore the joyful but exhausting experience of motherhood, especially the inner life of a mother's quickly ticking mind, which jumps continuously between all of her obligations. I think fathers and childless people could relate to the bemused tone: there just isn't enough time in the day to fit in everything, especially when you spare a few minutes to stop and smell the roses.
I found nothing plaintive or self-righteous in the writing. Reading through the comments brings to mind another recently published editorial about the "special misogyny reserved for mothers".
46
Maybe you can answer emails instead of writing self-important op-eds. The answer "thanks for your email but I'm swamped" acknowledges that the sender is a person. You can key code it so it takes a nanosecond to send. Ignoring it completely implies you do not think that. The most successful people I know are masterful at keeping work pressures on their time at bay while not annoying everybody.
21
I had ever found work--as a whole, never mind work emails!--one billionth as worthy of attention as my child. Even when I've been most fully engaged in it, I'd so infinitely prefer to be talking with, laughing with, helping, just being with my son. Now he's 18 and about to go off to college. Next year I'll have far fewer excuses to ignore work emails, unless I turn all my attention to my pets, which I may well do.
10
I had the luxury of being home with my kids as they grew. Today, if I was just getting started on motherhood, I would not be able to afford that option. Then, staying home meant forgoing a big house - today it means forgoing a roof.
But in that time, I was there, not distracted and trying to figure how to rush to get all the tasks of home life done in the few hours after work, while trying to give them a bit of attention.
We have suffered for it financially - when I left my job in the 90s, the economy was strong and the reality that no one would want to keep a 55 year old employed so that we could finish the job of saving for retirement was a fantasy of the future. We needed that income for now, and did not know it.
But the kids? Oh, the kids thrived, and they are wonderful people, fully worth every minute of time I spent with them. Today? I'd be working as they grew, and I wouldn't answer your E-mail either. Childhood is a precious commodity.
15
That depends on how many children one has.
Recommended reading: Bill McKibben's "Maybe One: the case for smaller families."
5
Yes, Ms. Dell'Antonia, your children are more important than your email. Most parents recognize that fact. Many do not have the kinds of privileged jobs that allow them to be the kind of parents they would like to be. For many people, not answering a job-related email promptly can bring punitive consequences. While I appreciate the sincerity of your thoughts, it would be more honest to acknowledge the context of your laudable choice to prioritize your children.
22
@Emily ----------->For many people, not answering a job-related email promptly can bring punitive consequences.<--------
As well it should. If the work needs to get done, it needs to get done. Your home-life not withstanding.
6
Interesting. Separate work from personal. I answer personal within 24 hours if it does not get lost. Lost means burried under 200-300 work emails. During the week I get 200 or more work emails per day as and academic department chair who teaches one or two large 48-77 student classes. As emails come in I try to keep up with those that are highest priority and “will get back to you” the next level of priority. It is physically impossible to keep up. Once your email is burried under 50 more-recent others, there is a good chance I will not get back to it. I have a sorting system for must do stuff for re-locating burried email. There is not enough time to keep up with the sorted email. Most other department chairs in my university are in my situation. Does this reflect a sloppy use of email by universith employees? Sure. Does the ease with which an email request to fill out another spreadsheet can be made lead to “time abuse?” Sure. Do I see any fix on the horizon? Nope.
7
@George The amount of email work and paperwork for academics (and often also teachers, especially of high schools where one teacher has several classes) is above and beyond what should be fairly assigned to one person. It's really unfair and I often wonder how academics don't get burnt out to a crisp! Then again, I see there is a whole industry of virtual assistants. At some point the only option is to delegate.
1
I have separate work and personal email addresses.
This! This captures so perfectly the reality of life of a working mother (or father) with children and the never ending pull of work. Like the author, I am just so tired of email and it’s constant demands. KJ, you write beautifully and I hope to read more of your work in the NYTimes soon.
12
@Ashley Campbell
Captures it "so perfectly" for a certain demographic - white-collar professionals with desk jobs. I suspect plenty of people who work on their feet all day, or whose job involves dealing with customers at the point of service, would enjoy the luxury of hanging out at home where they can tend to their children and squeeze in answering emails.
9
@DW, yes and there are women working the fields in some distant part of the world who would be happy to have a factory job or dealing with customers, and so on down the scale of misery.
Good grief, this columnist is writing about her experience, her job, a light-hearted little column, not trying to solve the world’s problems.
Lighten up people.
13
@MT
A little perspective, that's all. Too much email is not the worst problem one could have. And it's fair to point out that if she has the option not to answer a work-related email on a timely basis, probably her work is not putting food on the table.
As a reminder to uptight type A white collar professionals to not always ignore their family in favor of work, sure, it's charming.
3
Email etiquette differs in different generations. When those who believe that causing someone to wait a day or more for a reply is rude have children (or aging parents or active pets) who draw their attention, they will understand the priorities that cause people not to respond immediately.
4
I liked the essay. I like the comments too. For the most part I am pretty good about compartmentalizing work and family and setting the limit. For me there is the aspect of sometimes my brain will not let go of something either family or work related and it can cause me to be less present when I'm supposed to be in one compartment or the other. I dislike having my emails ignored, professional or personal. I strive to make them simple because I have a tendency to be wordy.
But the part of the essay about bedtimes and an abrupt end to bedtime demands and looking back and realizing you didn't make the most of it. I always imagine that time in the future and it makes me so sad and it makes me so appreciative of now. It makes me control my actions if not my thoughts.
4
No kids in the picture, but I find email to be shrapnel to my focus and productivity. (Am a professional writer for whom email is a particularly acute steal because it's *words*. I give them to my inbox, I'm not giving them to my manuscript, etc.)
One thing that works for me is to set up an auto responder noting hours/days when I check email and encouraging the sender to expect some (or substantial) delay. Then I truly do only check email during those times.
This helps align expectations and gives me periods of uninterrupted focus.
That said, I am not a corporate worker or even much of a team player. See: writer.
8
Gorgeous writing, thank you. The "not for a lot of things" got me, along with so many other parts of this essay.
"I looked at the clock and saw that it was not as early as I’d thought, not for a lot of things, and so we turned off the light, and I did not answer your email."
11
Nope. As someone whose workload is often doubled by having to repeat myself to people who feel entitled to ignore the information in an email--so I have to hunt them down or repeat it, sometimes twice--I'm glad you have a lovely family but would hate to have to work with you. Also, it just takes a minute to write, "thank you! I can't respond right now but I will give your thoughts serious consideration." Sometimes that's enough.
48
@Gladys exactly. Especially depending on who it is coming from.
6
@Gladys
So you decide if you want to work with someone based on their email response rate? I get that working with slow/no responders can be frustrating, but maybe this person is immensely thoughtful, maybe they are extremely bright, maybe they will see your amazing work like others wouldn't, maybe they have exceptional talents? Productivity rate above all?
We live in such a shallow world that it's all about busywork. Those who busywork the best are the ones people want to work with. I try to imagine some of the great people in history responding to your emails in five minutes, think Darwin or Kant, and then responding to twenty others in the next three hours. They couldn't have created what they did.
Obviously it's an extrovert's world and the extroverts get to wag fingers now and make us all feel inadequate. But soon enough someone will invent an AI for handling emails (Gmail is already working on it) and it'll all be automated. You won't have to wait; a robot will keep up friendships. And so, the race to turn ourselves into machines will continue, and we will keep claiming that this is what it takes to be a productive worker and a good friend. Because god forbid you don't get a response and have to follow up...
8
@Frieda Vizel Yes! And just because you think your email is important I should as well??? I like to harken back to the "old days" when trying to decide whether to send an email. If it is so pressing that I would take the time to pick up my phone and call you, write out a note and deliver it, or get up from my desk to speak with you about it (and try to track you down if you weren't available on the first attempt), then I would send an email. Otherwise, it may really just be important to me.
2
And there is balance, choices, and consequences.
7
Aside from whether or not you should have answered the email sooner, thank you for an absolutely beautiful essay. And I hope you finished your other writing. (Your son was right, you only needed nine more times.)
6
I'm also going to play devil's advocat here and suggest that it isn't always neccesarily wise to drop WHATEVER you are doing to focus on your child. (Of course, it depends on the context, the age of the children, and the nature of and reason for the interruption). I work at home. There are times when I've set aside what I'm doing, and there are times when the reason for the interruption was not an emergency and I had a deadline to meet (I'm quite sure if my clients ever received an email expressing the sentiments in this essay, they would move on pretty quickly to other vendors!). Needless to say, the author is not the sole earner of the household, otherwise I imagine this essay would look rather different. An awareness of the privilege of being able to blow off a work email like this would have enhanced this piece. (And if it was a friend, then it was unfortunate indeed, although a wait of two days is not a big deal.)
22
Is emailing really so simple as writing three lines? Is it just as easy as the same number of words scribbled on a pad? For me, it sure isn't.
I'm an introvert and I tend to hyperfocus on the ONE thing I do, plus, I have a really hard time switching gears between different things. On an ordinary day, I have about 30-50 people to respond to for work and friendships, often mixing both. Each email means a shift of my mental focus to This topic, which takes a lot of working up. And my every reply (usually) begets a reply. It feels like a game of guacamole and, frankly, I can't handle it. I flail maniacally as it gets faster and faster and faster and I can't keep up!
If I stop trying to play, the emails build. Which is a 'nother bad cycle. It makes me feel bad. Guilty and angry at myself and full of "IS IT REALLY SO HARD?" So I become avoident. More emails pile on. I start to feel guilty about doing anything that's less urgent than the emails. 'Reading the NYTimes comments? Shame on you, with that inbox! Feh!'
What is wrong with me that for me it takes so much out of me and everyone else it's easy-peasy? Why can everyone jump between tasks and I can't? How did all these other humans adapt so easily to this pace and fragmentation of our attention, when in almost all of human history, this intense extroversion was unimaginable? Do I need to push myself harder, do I have to change to become like the email saints here? For what? For friendship? This is friendship?
8
@Frieda Vizel
There's nothing wrong with you, but indeed the people who can painlessly dash off a few lines do rule the world. It often means they don't think about what they have to say, or actually consider the topic very carefully, or know what in the world they're even talking about. It's called being a "go-getter," "team player," etc.
1
Wow. This email spoke to me. I am 46, and received an email from a student on Friday night. The student is in her twenties, and the matter is not an emergency. It is now Sunday night. Two days. I was just contemplating responding to this message (my response requires some thought and delicacy of wording), but we just finished dinner and I have but a few minutes to relax before putting my kids to bed. I am happy I stumbled on this piece. I think the email can wait until tomorrow.
10
@frequent commenter
I teach nursing school, a rigorous program with high stakes for the students (if they fail, they are expelled). Communicating with my students appropriately and in a timely manner, in person and via email are priorities. I build into the syllabus the email communication policy which includes that I read and respond to all email during the work week within 24 hours (but usually more promptly). On weekends, unless the message is an emergent situation, I do not respond until Monday. All students, and actually everyone, deserve respect, and disclosing an email response policy conveys it.
12
@frequent commenter It really comes back to your personal and professional priorities. Sometimes it's more important to post comments to the Opinion section and for readers with which you have no relationship. Other times it's more important to correspond with a personal connection that appreciates a meaningful response and your time.
1
Unless it is really urgent business, then more than two days to respond to an email is not such a huge problem at all.
5
I presumed the writer was not referring to emails that required an immediate answer. Some answers suggesting prioritizing work over parenting made me sad and I wonder if those people have children, and how well they know them and how happy those children are. I am 59 and have no children, because I chose work over family and I don't regret that choice. I set my priorities, but I also did not force anyone who needed me to suffer on account of "my priorities and my boundries". That said, I find my American friends are overall poor correspondents. However if I am in the States and arrange to meet them we invariably have a great time. Most of the women who had children disappeared for decades, but some reached out again when the children were older and more self sufficient and I treasure those friendships.
7
At 54 I’ve worked uninterrupted and raised children simultaneously while in demanding positions at Fortune 100 companies as well as start ups and non profits.
You are wrong on several accounts. Most emails are not emergencies. They may have become emergencies because of the procrastination of the sender. Their sloppiness does not impress or stress me. In general men don’t respond to such emergencies yet women at every level of authority are expected to.
I learned early on (before email and cell phones) to train people; bosses, clients and subordinates. This after a client told me; “I always save calls to you for last since I know you’ll always be there late and no one else ever is.”
After that I learned to stop answering calls or return voice mails received after 5:30 pm until the next day. A funny thing happened. Most late evening calls from bosses and clients started coming in at 4:30 or 5 instead of 6, 7 or later. The same goes for emails, texts and VM today.
10
Disregarding, albeit temporarily, a personal email from an acquaintance is one thing, deliberately ignoring a business correspondence quite another. The latter is irresponsible and unprofessional. It's not clear which situation is the basis for this article but if you ignore enough work emails you may find you have plenty of "family time".
20
@Mike. I worked for 10 years in a professional job where we were supposed to instantaneously reply to every email, regardless of time or date. We were privileged to be early adopters of Blackberries back in the early 2000s for this very purpose. In fact, it would have made no difference in most cases if we had waited until the next day, and clients were often chagrined to receive a reply to an email at midnight on a Friday night. I am lucky to now be in a job where it is considered professional to respond within 2 business days of receiving an email. For *most* (although obviously not all) matters, that is perfectly adequate.
3
@Mike That's why America is heading down the toilet. We're trained to stand in line, obey the boss, jump at the sound of a bell, and get out there and buy buy buy.
Well, I was the lowly worker who sent that email. I was at my workplace, unable to respond to invitations from friends and family to go out and have fun with them. Instead, I was working supposedly with the same company as you. I had deadlines too - but mine were not with editors who could be swayed to give a little more time. Mine were with vendors who would start charging extra if the deadline were missed. Mine were with funders who simply cut off applications if the deadline were missed.
I needed you to respond to the question in my email with a simple, quick answer. Then I could move on to the next section. I couldn't call you, because your phone goes to voice mail. I couldn't text you because I had carefully laid out in my email several details that would enable you to easily respond - and, sorry, the details were past the character limit. I did have to take extra time to text you "please look at my email," but you didn't respond.
But you were "working at home," and, well, I can sit here at work and wait, my anxiety level rising, until you are finished playing with your children.
112
@Susan. I don't think this article refers to messages that require a simply yes or no answer. Those emails almost always receive instantaneous replies. It is the ones that require a more complex response requiring some focused brainpower that seem to be the subject of this piece.
5
@frequent commenter, are you so sure? In no place does the author say, "Of course, I never let urgent emails linger." And does the author give a
And what if my email isn't simply yes or no, but requires a sentence of text? The author acknowledges I deserve a response, and then asserts she chooses not to give it.
And what if my email DOES require some focused thought? Does that mean she can ignore it because, well, she chooses to ignore it.
I sent my email TWO days ago. I sent a text at the end of the day to look at it.
And, believe me, this wasn't the first time.
17
Glad you posted. The height of leadership/expertise arrogance and entitlement to not see that what’s relevant is the impact you have on others, especially people with less power than you. Nobody begrudges self-care but it’s not that hard to know when you’ve crossed the line into narcissism.
18
This is such a mom letter. I wish a dad, many dads, had written it. When you are a grandfather, it is too late.
6
I don’t think this essay is about emails at all. As an empty-nester now with two wonderful and young grandsons, this essay spoke to me about really living in the moment as a parent. Being available and present for your children because those opportunities pass quickly and you never get them back. Certainly as a work-from-home writer, this essayist has more flexibility to encounter and take advantage of these moments, but the reminder of how precious and fleeting the days are at every stage of childhood is a good one. Luckily grandchildren give you another chance to enjoy these moments and I’m trying to be more appreciative of the precious time with them.
31
I recently conducted an experiment, I sent a series of emails to 25 people in America, with whom I at one time or another was acquainted with. One was a hilarious (imho) account of the similarities between being stopped by the Syrian Mukharrabat and the IDF. Another was a link to a rare recording of the poetry of Anna Akhmatova arranged in American bluegrass style by an obscure but remarkable Russian group, along with a brief explanation and translation (search Kukuruza road on youtube if you're interested). In other words, what I at least consider exceptionally interesting content. Out of 125 emails in total, I got exectly one reply. Eh, maybe people just don't like me, Americans anyway. But I was still surprised, in 25 years I have never received an even remotely interesting or original email from anyone, I would be delighted if I did. My conclusion: most Americans are self-absorbed and incapable of being interesting or of appreciating someone who is.
13
My own view is that I will respond whenever I can. I never think about emails until I actually sit down to respond. I scan them once in the beginning of the day and of course respond to urgent communications. But others, get a response later when I have time for the task. I never think about them at all till then. If the writer keeps thinking about them, then perhaps skipping the response is not a good strategy.
14
I don’t think this is about taking care of (or, in this article, indulging) children at all. It’s more about this writer’s inability to prioritize her life and set personal and professional boundaries. ‘Hey kids, I’ve got some work and some email to catch up on’. Period. Do you think her tech savvy kids wouldn’t understand? Instead she chooses to bounce around in some idealized, boundary-less dreamscape where her kids are all-important (no accident they don’t understand the simplest of self-care tasks like putting dirty socks in a laundry hamper). Giving undivided attention to kids when they need it is a vital aspect of parenting for sure, but so is teaching them that mom has a life to care for too that may not always involve them. The sooner they learn this lesson, the sooner they’ll learn to more fully respect themselves and the lives of others.
89
Exactly what I thought. And imagine the time it took to write this piece. It took me a good couple of minutes to slog through it as it meandered from excuse to excuse, so I wonder how long it took to actually write. Three emails could have been replied to in some depth in the time it took to write this. There seems to be a lack of social etiquette here, too, the behavior that greases the wheels of society. How hard can it be to send a quick note with something like, “I’ll be happy to get back to you later in depth when I can give your email the reply it deserves.” The writer may find she is without many friends or colleagues who want to support her when she really needs it if she keeps using her lack of time management skills as an excuse.
8
@JayZee
PERFECTLY put! My sentiments exactly.
5
@JayZee. If only my extremely successful husband was able to put dirty socks in a laundry hamper. 22 years together and I still find them everywhere but.
5
I'm 54. I prefer to text only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise, I like email and a regular keyboard.
I also don't have kids, but I have plenty of other preoccupations to take my attention elsewhere.
However, I'd like to think that with most people who send me email on any sort of regular basis know the following about me:
1. As a general rule, if you send me an email and you don't specify a time by which I am supposed to reply, don't expect anything for 24 hours.
2. If, however, the nature of your email seems clearly more urgent than the 24-hour turnaround, I most likely will reply sooner than that.
3. If I'm not replying soon enough, you can call me. Even if you don't leave a voice mail, I'll see the missed call and think it's probably related to the email. It will hasten my response.
4. If all else fails, you can text me (unless you work with me, and then, since I don't have a work-sponsored cell phone, you likely won't have my personal cell phone number, so you'll have to resort to 1, 2, or 3.)
9
If it's from my boss or someone at work who needs my input to finish a joint project, I don't wait that long to answer it.
If it's some who I care even a small about, I reply with something like this:
"I'm in the middle of taking care of some parental responsibilities that soak up all of my conscious brain. So a meaningful reply may take a bit but I want to let you know that I did get your email and I'm glad to hear from you."
Of course, this assumes that you even care about the person or plan to respond to them.
Doing this is more likely to maintain non-family relationships in the long run. And from what I've seen, there will be a time when you'll be glad you did this (especially when your children no longer find a need to rely on you the way they do now). You may even receive an email like this and you'll understand how that person feels.
19
I don't have children, and never will. I'm childfree by choice because I don't have a parental bone in my body. So admittedly, I don't have context. But I also know as a professional, my biggest pet peeve are colleagues who ignore emails. She doesn't say. Was the email from a boss, or relative, or close friend? I'd be happy with a one sentence email that said, "Super busy, will reply when I have a chance!" Simple as that. You let the email sender know that you received their message (it didn't go to spam box), and that they are important in your life, but you'll respond when family obligations are sorted. Otherwise you may wake up one day, kids grown and out of the home, and realize you have no friends left.
46
I love this essay. I am not a parent, but an aunt to 17, all now young adults. I am surprised and very grateful to find that the time I spent with them, paying attention, listening, playing, reading to them, just being present, has created a closeness that is irreplaceable. It's obvious to me that they want to be around me now because I gave them that gift of time over many years. There is nothing I could have done with that time that would have given me better rewards. That's what I heard in this piece, just the importance of being present to the people in your life, especially kids.
20
Wow. The polarization in the comments is really remarkable. To me, this essay is all about empathy, for the sender of an email that is not responded to immediately, to realize that the reason behind the delayed response is not because the recipient is not thinking about them, or caring about them, but has other life circumstances that contribute to the delay. The tone of the article is the opposite of self-absorption; it is a call for people to stop be so self-absorbed and to assume the worst of others when our needs are not met, but to understand that absence of our technologically facilitated immediate satisfaction is not necessarily an absence of thoughtfulness (a personal slight), but an interference of life (which we should all empathize with!)
51
Most readers seem to assume the email was from a friend. I assumed it was like one of the many malformed emails I receive from students, co-workers, or random academics around the U.S.
I spend about 20 minutes/week just triaging SPAM ("Greetings of the day! Please submit to our open-access journal"). I probably get 5 emails a week where the writer should just type their email into google for the answer.
When you deal with a lot of work email, it's very important to avoid reinforcing people sending you malformed email by responding too quickly. Perhaps before people write emails, they should weigh whether it's worth the recipient's time (away from kids, other work tasks, other leisure, etc.); too many emails I receive lack such consideration.
8
@Mike. Why doesn’t your email system capture spam automatically?
3
@Mike. Yes! I am also an academic and get those same emails. Especially emails from students with questions that they could have answered for themselves if they had bothered (a) attending the lecture; (b) watching the video-recorded internet version of the lecture for students who missed the live version; (c) reading the instructions that I provided for the assignment; (d) typing the same exact question into Google; or (e) assuming that when they failed the final exam, it really was a fail and not the beginning of a negotiation. But a lifetime of helicopter parents doing everything for them means that they immediately treat me as their new parent/servant when they should be learning how to do things for themselves. And that's not even to mention the other emails that you mention (yes! the emails from open access journals that are not caught by the spam filter!). I am not doing those students a favour if I respond right away. A delay of a day or two might actually teach them to find the answer for themselves. (Obviously valid questions get a more timely response.)
6
@frequent commenter
Guys, I'm well aware of the problem with predatory "open access" journals, but let's not perpetuate the myth that just because a journal is open access, it's junk. There are some legitimate, even prestigious, open access journals, too.
(Which just reinforces that it's a pain in the neck to sort through email …)
Honestly, we all have conversations like these with our teenaged children and our spouses. And yet, many of us manage to somehow respond to emails as well.
73
Your inbox will not always be waiting if your boss fires you for not responding to an emergency. Your inbox will not always be waiting if you ignore your friends who are reaching out to you. We need balance in all aspects of our lives. Your kids need you to show them an example of how to maintain adult relationships while being an attentive parent and productive worker. This has been true long before the invention of e-mail or the telephone.
71
@vandalfan. She obviously isn't talking about an emergency scenario, and I can't imagine a friend who lives far away (close friends who you see on a regular basis would be texting you) begrudging a 2-day turnaround to respond to an email.
1
I'm with you on this one, @frequentcommenter. I'm sure she read the mail, obviously she wanted to respond, as she kept the mail in the forefront of her mind throughout the evening spent with her family. If it had been an urgent matter, or even time-sensitive, I do not think that the writer would have written this piece. But sometimes responses require consideration, or you want to do the person's email justice, and can't at that moment, so you wait till you can give it your full attention.
@vandalfan Yes, this well-intentioned article misses its mark by a country mile. Surprised the NY Times published it.
7
So many are assuming the email is from a friend. Why? (Friends text nowadays, I think.). It seems more likely a business-related email or professional communication. Perhaps an offer for a new project or a request to speak. Who knows? But I assume she’s already read it —takes mere seconds — and it’s not urgent. There’s no implication in the text that it’s pressing. Still, it’s existence, unanswered, creates pressure and unease for the author. We all get those emails. Many of us get too many emails. Letting certain of them sit is perfectly ok. Yet we feel we’re underperforming if we don’t respond within the business day. We write back when we should be fully with our kids or with our spouse or asleep. Personally, I empathized with the author. I fear I am never fully present in my work or my family life because each requires so much of me.
25
I can understand where the writer is coming from. With social media and the internet, the volume of incoming messages and information, because it's so easy to send and create them, has increased substantially. Our sphere of friends has also increased for the same reason. Who had 200, 400, 800, or 2,000 friends 20 years ago like we do now how Facebook? Constantly and instantly responding to all of these messages can change the quality of our lives, sometimes in ways that may not be positive, if we're not thoughtful about what we're doing. Because it's so easy to get distracted by our electronic devices and the brief rush of dopamine they provide with each message or "hit", it's easy to lose perspective of he big picture be purposeful about how we live. If a friend wrote you a personal letter 30 years ago, what would be the appropriate response time? Now, what's the expectation when you send someone an email? When I send a friend a message that isn't time sensitive, I don't expect a response in 24 hours or even a couple of days. I know they have lives and know that they'll respond and when they do I appreciate it.
11
@Alex. Social media is not the same as answering emails.
1
Bravo. My daughter, when she was about 4, once said "Daddy, you love your work more than you love me." She's 31 now, and those words have stung ever since. And even now when I see her, and see my son who is a few years younger, and they want to talk about the confusion of young adulthood, I again am torn between the demands on my screen and the urgency in their voices. Modernity and parenting just don't mix, and I wonder if there will ever be time to heal my then 4 year old daugher's wound.
18
For those of us who were fans of Ms. Dell’Antonia's "Motherlode" blog - which appeared regularly in the Times for a number of years - it's not only so wonderful to see her back again - but also with an appreciation of her "backstory" - and the understanding of her timeline - and how it relates to this wonderful piece --
"Motherlode" was a weekly parenting blog - and the message I always received from it was its emphasis on priorities -- which is exactly what this piece is about --
For those who accuse Ms. Dell’Antonia of bragging about what a wonderful parent she is - along with the other sarcastic comments - they completely miss the point --
She is talking about her priorities, and - as a mother of three children - along with having a husband and a career - where those priorities lie, and how they shift - both over the long run and in the moment -
We're not talking about friends with terminal illnesses - ones you've known for decades and live far away - we're talking about those daily emails you may receive from a friend who just wanted to "touch base" --
If anyone understands the delicate balance between work, a committed partnership, and raising children - few do it better than KJ Dell’Antonia --
And - guess what - ?
Yesterday I received a call on my landline (!) from a an old friend who said - "Hi Howard - You've been on my mind lately and I've been meaning to give you a call" --
How much more meaningful that was than an email -
Thanks again KJ...
24
Rather than adding to the polarization, I will play in the grey area and add some context. A bit of background - I am 62, an author, get a LOT of emails - and as an author, am also on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (to share knowledge, provide other ways for people to ask me questions). We are at a time when the plethora of communication modes - face to face, phone, email, and the social networking tools mentioned above - will appeal to different people differently. I prefer email to the phone because it allows me to manage my time. It also provides a bit more of a screen. I minimize use of the three social networking tools because to me they are mainly tools of narcissism (this is surely my age talking).
How I deal with email is to triage - I get to all of them eventually (typically with two days, most within one), but there is a flip side - I also send out lots of emails and find my return response rate is really spotty - from immediate, to delayed, to seemingly, never. But I can't judge what each recipient has on their plate.
I think that there is a good message here - family is important, taking control of our time is important. But it has to be balanced with respect, courtesy, and as many have mentioned, building bridges and maintaining friendships. I don't know there is an overall answer...each of us has to figure this out for ourselves....but I won't judge. It takes time, and it is complicated, to communicate in this world we live in!
16
Imagine that the email is from a very old friend who lives hundreds or even thousands of miles away, and who has his own commitments to family and community that leave email as his only way of reaching you. Then imagine that the friend, having carefully composed his email, is left to wait for weeks or even months wondering if he should write again or risk being seen as rude for doing so.
He might not be your kids, your spouse, your pets, or one of your local connections, but if you want to keep him as a friend, it wouldn't hurt to tell him so, even if only with a sentence or two. You may not have time, but if keeping that friend genuinely matters, you can make the time.
49
@Mark Lebow
Why would you "imagine" that the author is ignoring an email from old and lonely friend? Wouldn't it be kinder--not to mention more realistic--to assume that it was a routine email that it would be nice, but not particularly necessary, to answer immediately?
6
@Kate
I imagine this scenario to invite those who would reflexively agree with the writer to put themselves in the email writer's shoes, especially if the email writer wasn't just sending a routine message, but rather writing a meaningful letter in electronic form. Routine emails can be postponed, but the trick is to know the difference between routine and special messages and not just casually postpone everything.
7
@Mark Lebow But she is talking about responding in 2-3 days, not several months.
2
Yes, I make time for loved ones and myself. But I am a university professor and I love my job, care about my students and I am passionate about science. Emails are part of all of that. So I answer emails within 24 hours of receiving them. If I am on vacation, I have an automatic response to explain the delay. That seems completely reasonable and human to me.
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@Jackie Vogel: THANK YOU....how easy and simple. If you are genuinely busy and just can't respond....have an auto responder that tells people that fact, and that you WILL get back them in a few days or a week or with a phone call. Not just silence and no explanation!
4
Same here—except I’m in the Humanities, so my responses may be longer! (I kid.)
4
The essay was poignant but the comments are a good reminder to treasure your friends and make space for them.
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So many words to just say "I'll get to it when I get to it." I'm very bad at answering emails or even text messages. if you need a prompt response, call me. Easy as that.
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I have two friends who have been facing terminal illness. The word that I have chosen as my touchstone is humanity. How do you treat another human being with humanity? It's by understanding what they're facing, by being there and treating them as a fellow human being. Someone need not be in dire straights to deserve to be treated as a person. Evem if this is a work email, the sender is another person who probably wishes he or she could be doing anything other than waiting for a response that will never come.
The tone of the article was "I don’t care about you or your needs because I'm doing what I enjoy and that comes first." The "me first" psychology needs to fall away and be replaced with treating others with kindness. Isn't the lack of humanity what we're all so troubled about in this current political climate?
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Thank you for this. Just, thank you. (I'd write more, but my 16 year old just asked me to quiz her on the periodic table, my 15 year old needs to run to the 24 hour drug store for a tri-fold for a presentation on Monday, and my 12 year old wants me to listen to his latest rendition of Hamilton on the ukelele.....)
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This essay inspired me to feel thankful for the ten millionth time that email and the world of distracting, expensive electronics had not yet been invented when my children were growing up.
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@GreaterMetropolitanArea. Nail on head. At my age I have been both the procrastinator and the “wait-ee.” I, too, long for days when instant communication was not possible. But a beautifully written article regardless...
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I have a feeling you usually respond to those emails, which is why it seems like a big deal that you did not. Good for you. You should be able to occasionally make your kids a priority over those emails and not feel guilty about it.
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Am I the only one who thinks 2 days is not an unreasonable amount of time to wait to reply to a friend’s email?
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@kas Bravo!
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She didn’t say the email was from a friend. “You are a person who has written me and email.”
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Where does it say it was a "friend's email"? The problem with this essay is that it's not stated whether the email is urgent or some recipe for prawns. Perhaps the point is the author simply doesn't care.
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I was a single parent after my wife died a few years ago. One of the things I had to learn was to give my kids more freedom to be independent and care for themselves, a bit more than the other families we knew with two highly-resourced helicopter parents. And part of that was to maintain my adult friendships by answering emails, and texts, and phone calls in a timely manner. My loyalty to my kids was #1, but I wanted to stay loyal to my friends, too. No one is too "busy" to respond to friends. They need you, and you need them. And BTW, my kids are now in college and doing great, better than many of those kids who got more attention and resources than mine.
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I, too, lost a spouse -- husband -- while my kids were growing. I couldn't agree more; I responded just as you did. My kids are thriving in college now, too.
I wish I had known you while figuring out how to single parent. I would have answered every email you sent. And the kids would all be fine.
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The author can easily solve her problem by forwarding her article to all the people who send her those pesky e-mails. Seven years from now her youngest will be off to college; God forbid her husband dies young. But at some point she's probably going to be looking for companionship outside the family. As the saying goes,"Make new friends but keep the old; the one is silver but the other is gold."
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This is splendid. What an honest piece of perspective taking on what matters. I am glad your children have a mom who 'gets it', and I am glad you shared it.
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So it’s ok to get being a bad friend?
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While I suspect the author did not really feel like responding to this particular person's email, her essay brings up an important issue. Many of us remember a time when there were no telephone voice messages, emails and texting. People survived nicely and it was much easier to focus on both work and other activities.
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@Jeffrey Freedman Sure. The phone rang and you answered it. So, different , how?
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My young son knows he's the *most* important person in my life, but not the *only* important person. Maybe your kids need to know that too.
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Having just read the essay - which I loved - and the comments (many of which sound angry), I am wondering why so many people take the author so literally when she suggests she might not reply to someone’s email.
I’m sure that KJ Dell’Antonia understands deadlines and professional responsibilities. She is a writer for the NYT after all. There isn’t any reason to believe that she is disinterested in friendships. Isn’t it more likely that she was poetically commenting on the constant tug between personal life, work, and the constant fast-paced demands of electronic communication and social media? I think that she was describing a fantasy of liberating herself from the tyranny of the quick response. I share this fantasy, even while appreciating many of the benefits this digital culture has brought. I’m often exhausted by and resentful of the split-second pace of communication which seems to assume that I am always “on.” I sometimes long for the more relaxed pace of daily life of the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s which was a consequence of much less efficient modes of communication.
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You're right on the writer's perspective. I'm so glad I was in high school in the 90s before digital devices. My siblings and I were taught to call and answer phones properly, I had to put my paper books down at social gatherings to engage w others in conversation no matter how awkward. The most background technology we had at home was the tv, watching movies or listening to the radio while hanging out. At family reunions now, the teens stare at their phones to avoid the awkwardness of talking. I've reduced apologizing for "late" replies that exceed a few days.
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@Heather I loved the essay and agree 100% with your first paragraph. As an empty nester, I read this piece with my husband, friends, and elderly parents standing in for the author's children. Time is so fleeting and we need to soak up all the interactions we can with our precious friends and family -- including a thoughtful response to the "email writer" or better still, coffee or cocktails.
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@Heather Because she literally said so?
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I don’t believe a word of this article.
I am a surgeon, working 60 hours per week. I am also the administrator of our 6 medicine-related businesses (surgery center, sleep lab, sleep supply company, facial spa, real estate company, and hearing aid business). I also manage 8 rental properties personally. I have 2 kids, take them to school 3 times per week, and see them every night, and every weekend. I take them to piano lessons every week. My wife is dean of a college of pharmacy, and a professor there. And we have hobbies, and we travel extensively. And I respond to every email from every friend.
There are 168 hours in a week. Even someone who works 40 of them and doesn’t have time for any personal email within that time (rare), and who also sleeps a full 8 hours every single night (56 hours, rare), still has 72 hours (!) left every single week. If this author does not respond to a friend’s email, it is because she chooses to ignore the friend, and for no other reason.
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Not everyone suffers from mania. I prefer to be well rested rather than have too many obligations and responsibilities. Because my needs always, always come first, no matter what.
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@Doctor a lot of us work 50 or 60 hours a week, not 40, and don't have the funds to pay someone else to cook our food, buy our groceries, run our errands, clean our house, and drive our kids around. Now you're down to 20 hours, and if you choose to spend those exercising, seeing friends who live nearby, calling family, talking to your partner, trying to read a book before falling asleep, or watching TV, I think it's understandable how the time to email a friend could escape you.
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@Doctor. I'm more on your end of things. Some people can respond quickly to things, others can't. The older I get, the more I see that's the case.
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Well, everyone has to make their own choices in life but for every choice there are consequences. I am not someone who writes much e-mail nor calls nor Facebooks nor has many friends. However, of the ones I do, they or I will every few weeks or months contact the other and try to at least have coffee or a meal or a walk out to catch up. This is how I have a few friends who have known me for decades, across states, countries, marriages, children, deaths, job changes, etc. For people I meet who make no effort to respond -- and I am generous about the time to respond -- I eventually drop them.
A lot of research shows that friends are not just important for social reasons but for health. It's not just family relationships. A survey a few years ago showed that half of all Americans did not have a single friend they could confide it. If the author keeps up what she does, she should not be surprised one day to be an empty nester without any friends.
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One of your coworkers who does not have children will probably end up carrying the extra workload for you. Please remember to say “thank you” to that person.
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It's all a matter of priorities.
However, one is not always a master of one's priorities.
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@Joshua Schwartz
Americans were once seemingly addicted to TV but two things have broken that down:
the emergence of decent TV shows from other suppliers,
and the politicial correctness issue has chased millions of former TV junkies away, even in the area of professional sports.
I loved this essay! I have a twelve year old and a fifteen year old and I too have been spending more time with them and being in the moment. My son will be off to college in three years and my daughter in five, so there is this impending feeling that you are nearing the end before they kids go on to lead their own lives. I'm lucky because my kids still speak to me and enjoy speaking to me. We have great conversations. I wouldn't miss that for anything. And sometimes that means it takes me a while to get back to the person sending the email. My good friends understand this and I understand when I don't get an immediate response. Sometimes you just have to be present and enjoy the moment.
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I'm also 47 with a teen and tween, have always worked full time. I grew up as a parent reading Motherlode, Lisa Belkin and KJ. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.
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KJ, thanks for this piece today - you touched a chord with reminders of subtle kinds of everyday sweetness that happens with older kids vs more obviously cute babies in the house. And I may just adopt your bottle spraying technique (the kid is pretty good with the phone, I'm thinking more the dear husband!)
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I am a mom of two tweens and have always worked work full-time. I don't think the author's strategy will work professional relationships. Folks that don't respond to calls, emails, meeting invites, etc. may find themselves out of a job quickly. As for personal relationships - maybe I am out of the loop, but are people still catching up with friends via email? My friends call if they want to catch up, or text if they have something quick to convey. I respond to those as quickly as I can. That could be minutes or months later. But a good friend is worth a response. I did cut out all TV and movies from my life when I had children. I made a decision to use that time on friends and fitness instead. Folks should obviously spend their time however they see fit.
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Yes, I find this article so condescending. As if responding to work emails is an option. Probably written by someone who does not have to work.@Clementine
3
Surprised by the reaction to this essay. I took it as a way to say that technology is creeping into our family/personal time and sometimes you have to choose your family/the people who are present right now over the constant interruptions, be it emails or more importantly, texts!
It's an issue that is very common nowadays and I think we need to learn to be present and mindful about how and when we let the technology into our lives.
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@Celeste - I agree completely!
2
It's not that the author didn't answer the email eventually. It's the tone that says 'Aren't I a wonderful mother to be so involved in my children's life?' Otherwise why pretend that she is talking to the email writer?
It's like sitting captive in a doctor's waiting room, listening to a young mom reading aloud to her child in a voice that is just a bit too loud and just a bit unnaturally expressive so that everyone sitting there will think, 'wow, what a wonderful mother she is!'
And before anyone snarks that I am not captive here, let me say that I wanted to see how this would end up, and I wanted to read some of the other comments first. Seems that no one (yet) is as curmudgeonly as I am despite my having been both a mom and a teacher.
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@Hope Madison
I think you judge those moms a bit harshly. I know what you mean about the slightly too loud, overexpressive tone, but I think a lot of parents today (myself included) read too much parenting advice and try to do everything "just right." We've all read advice about how to read a story to a child the right way, with just the right level of expressiveness or to dramatize the different parts. They're not necessarily trying to show off, they may just be trying a bit too hard to do "reading out loud to my child" the right way.
1
@Hope Madison, oh, my God - we are the same person. The vocal parenting is so irritating. I am with you.
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@Hope Madison
"It's like sitting captive in a doctor's waiting room, listening to a young mom reading aloud to her child in a voice that is just a bit too loud and just a bit unnaturally expressive so that everyone sitting there will think, 'wow, what a wonderful mother she is!' "
So well put, that really irritates me too.
FWIW I'm a mom, grandmom, farmer and if I have an email that needs a long answer and I don't think I can get to it I shoot off a short email saying; "I'm not ignoring you, I'l busy and I'll write soon".
11
I don't have kids, but I too frequently find that I don't have the time or patience to answer certain emails. Could you offer a suggestion for an excuse I could use? Thanks in advance.
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Uhm, you don't have 20 seconds after the kids' bedtime on the day the message arrived? Here, let me help.
Argh, kids are all over me (and still adorable!) I'll try super hard to get back to you this weekend, mmkay?
Set up a system of folders (I recommend the "Getting Things Done" approach). Put the message in your "Saturday" folder.
Research suggests that vacations are restorative not so much for the vacation, but for the necessary act(s) of tying up loose ends. So you can give yourself a weekly vacation by responding to your friends in a timely fashion.
Back to your friend. Either you feel guilty for the snub--which is a waste of time--or you don't feel guilty because, frankly, you're just not a very good friend. But please, stop blaming your children.
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Not replying to an email from someone you know is the e-equivalent of ignoring an acquaintance who says hello to you in the street.
It would be more considerate to your correspondent if you could send, at minimum, a pro forma response, which might take 15 seconds to paste and send, saying something like:
"Thank you for your message. Unfortunately, I am terribly busy at the moment, but I will do my best to respond properly at a later date."
Of course, a pro forma is hardly ideal, but it has the advantage of assuring the sender that their message has been received and has been placed in something resembling a queue.
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the comments here are very polarized and mine will be too. although I sympathize with the idea that we should be most focused on the people immediately around us, your attitude toward the email writer is dehumanizing. I agree with other comments that say if the email writer has an ounce of self respect, they dont care when you write them back anyway, but I still find your attitude toward the slight possibility that they could care disturbingly dismissive of another living breathing human being
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Thank you SO much for this wonderful essay. The essay that I think so many many of us wish we had written -or at the very least had wit us to pay heed to. It all goes so fast - one evening you are reading to them & then it seems the next they are sending you a picture from Scotland with their plan to go on to Malta because "Daddy, flights are SOO Cheap"...
Blessings to you and yours, and please, feel free to not answer. Ever.
31
Yes, it's hard to juggle family and work, and most of us aspire (ache) to lean more towards the former than we do. But how fortunate to be KJ, to not have to respond to emails on which her paycheck, and her children's dinner, depend.
39
Did the sender of the email demand an answer or something?
Does the author believe that the sender of the email does not have quotidian distractions or a personal life of any sort?
Would the author have preferred not to have received the email at all?
How awful: a friend apparently dared to send you an email. And you didn’t respond immediately.
Sheesh.
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@Suzy B: Yes. Apparently she is a much more important person with much more important thoughts and duties than someone who would dare to send her an email. What a pity that the other person did not recognize this!
5
Did you say that was a work-related email? You're fired. The kids will understand. Can't serve 2 masters and all...
28
It's OK not to respond to non-urgent emails and spend time with your children. For sure. I'm confused as to who said we should respond to all email all the time.
33
I really appreciated your insights into the tensions between work and family life, online communication and human interactions. As your essay suggests, these aren’t always conflicting dichotomies, but we do only have so much time in a day, and we have to make choices. I particularly loved your acknowledgement of living in that gap between existing in the moment and working toward some external goal.
I was surprised at some of the other responses to your piece. Maybe your essay has the power to tell us more about ourselves than about you? In any case, thanks for the thought provoking piece.
44
Genius. I am going to send this piece to many people to whom I haven't responded. Thank you for saying this out loud.
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@Elizabeth
The tone of this essay is obnoxious. Are you so determined to lose friends you’ve likely already offended by not responding to their communications even briefly?
3
This article was very comforting, and I'd like to make it my automatic reply. As I read it I felt some of the guilt for being hopelessly slow at responding to emails shed away. I'd rather be with my kids too.
24
I have been able to work part time at a high paying job for 20 years while I raised my kids.
My kids have talked about how they hope to be able to work and be with their children so much of the time. the way that I was.
My employer has talked about the fact that I “made it work so well” because I always responded to e mails right away.
32
@AJ what kind of job was this? sounds unusual -- you were lucky!
3
I'm also 47 and find I'm juggling my own pursuits (health, fitness, housekeeping, social life) with family stuff, and email is certainly a part of that. Your article is terrific and could be my mantra. Thank you so much.
19
I’m also 47, and respond to every email, but not right away. At work I make myself visible and encourage face-to-face interaction. I respond to emails in batches, and this has freed up more time to be with my kids.
13
No one has time nor obligation to reply to all emails, even work ones.
In a typical Office, the day after Dwight sent boss Michael an email, he complained, didn't you read my email?
Michael replied: I don't have time to read all the emails I get.
I must get 6 or 7 a day.
6
@Oreamnos
And you think that’s a lot?
Hi KJ,
Sorry to bother you again, but there was no response to our earlier email that was sent last week. We do wish you had replied but things being what they are we offered that position to another individual. Time was of the essence.
Regards,
Human Resources
There are emails, and then there are "emails".
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@cherrylog754. Yeah, that never happens. No employer ever would take that tone or send that email in this day and age.
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@cherrylog754
Except that in my experience, Human Resources is the absolute worst about replying to emails (or demonstrating the basics of professional courtesy in any way). Where I work, emails to HR go into a black hole.
7
Agree with laq's comment that the tone of this essay is unnecessarily smug. It's unclear whether the seemingly universal "You" of the essay is a close friend or an acquaintance. There is a big difference.
“Nobody sees a flower – really – it is so small it takes time – we haven’t time – and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” ~ Georgia O’Keefe.
185
I did hope that this was written metaphorically and not to a real person. At the risk of sounding too literal-minded, she could have replied to an email in less time than it took to write this column!
6
Yes we all have children to take care of, dogs to walk, work to do, and dinner to cook. But reading this piece made me think of one of my father’s expressions: “those who ignore their friends will soon have no friends to ignore.” Not sure who the email is from, but you probably won’t be getting another one from him or her.
318
I too am the child free friend whose emails are sometimes ignored. Yes, family comes first, but my family includes friends, and losing a few to parenthood has hurt deeply.
163
@Melissa, so much this: " Yes, family comes first, but my family includes friends, and losing a few to parenthood has hurt deeply." Thank you.
38
If it’s a friend she could just quickly send a brief text - “Swamped! OK if I get back to you in a couple days?”. If it’s not a friend, then a (professional, social, community?) judgment call - can I let this one go? Really, I don’t see the big drama here. My mother always said, “Let the phone ring. If it’s important they’ll call back.” Still true.
13
Even without a family, it’s a relief to hear others giving themselves permission to ignore even a few of the many (often unexpected) requests for attention we now get via phone, text, email, chat...
45
Technology can be used for the good end of connecting people who are physically distant, but electronic communication should not take priority over enjoying the people who are with us.
32
Reading this column was a gift. My teenage daughters are dyeing a friend’s hair in the bathroom. My husband is watching our beloved Blue Devils. Our four pets are somehow not needing attention. The fire is roaring as I scroll the NYT app trying to avoid news about Trump. There this essay was speaking to the ever present nagging guilt a working mom has. When I share it with my husband, he will be glad that someone else is giving me permission to let go of the endless pressure.
You wrote the next 2,700 words. They were great and you didn’t need to answer the email. It was good enough. Bravo!
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