I just lost my mom on October 8th - this hits all the high (figuratively speaking) notes for sure. I'm touched by the writing that can recognize the deep feelings while keeping the reader buoyed above the otherwise inevitable despair. Thank you.
3
So much to think about here. Shopping for a dress for my mother's funeral: I still think about the saleswoman at Sak's, read stranger, who helped me find a dress for my mother's funeral and, like a mother, took me by the hand and walked me over to the lingerie department and stayed with me while another saleswoman fitted me for a better fitting undergarment, read bra. And then I think about three weeks later when my father died and how I wore that same dress. Three years later, that pretty black dress is still in my closet. When I wear it, yes, I think about the funerals, but I also remember the kind woman who sold it to me.
10
@Judy Wright I had a similar experience recently. I took myself for a glass of champagne before I bought my dress for my mother's funeral (the circumstances were different to those of the article - my mum died suddenly in a car accident and I am quite young). The lady behind the bar could see I was upset so when I got up to leave (and explained why I had been crying in her bar!) she poured some champagne into a takeaway coffee cup for me and put it into my hand. I will also look at my dress and remember that someone had been kind to me when I was very in need of it. I hope to wear it soon x
4
Reminds me of Lorrie Moore's writing. Beautiful.
1
No one brought waterproof mascara for my sisters and me when our mother died, but one of Mommy's friends, a very caring, genteel woman, handed each of the four of us a beautiful, extra large embroidered handkerchief for wiping our tears. There was nothing elegant about the way I bawled that day, but at least I didn't have tissue stuck to my face in front of so many people.
3
This was beautiful, and I am saving this article for future re-reads. Thank you for sharing this.
4
My mother was brilliant, intelligent, creative and completely psychotic as well as addicted to prescription medications. She was also preternaturally cruel. I was her her primary target and she spared nothing. She also targeted my sister, father and anyone else who would come into her orbit. When she died, I was on the phone at my fathers request to get people to attend her funeral.
When she died ostensibly of a massive drug overdose 20 years ago, I felt relief. I spent the past 10 years in therapy to understand why I didn’t miss her, and why I was relieved that she was finally gone.
What I did grieve and continue to grieve today was the lost relationship with family members, especially a relationship with my sister. My mother brilliantly destroyed them all. There is no reconciliation.
8
@FDNYMom My mother was psychotic from her teens until she died at age 57 (I was 18). Every day of my life until her death was one or another type of horror thanks to things she said and did. I hated, loathed, detested, and despised her.
Only when I was in my late 40s and working with psychotic inpatients did I gradually realize that hating my mother for her actions while psychotic was a heck of a lot like hating a person with epilepsy for whacking my face during a seizure.
Yes, growing up with a parent who has schizophrenia is generally horrific, especially if you have no one to intercede on your behalf, to explain, to cherish and protect you.
What I lost wasn't family relationships; I grew up without any help learning how to navigate the world of people. Like you, I felt relieved when my mother died, and therapy helped me, too.
By my late 60s, I could finally let go of my rage toward her. I hope you can let your rage fade sooner than mine did!
6
@MLChadwick
My father was schizophrenic. He died when I was 19. I am still relieved and grateful that he finally died.
The rage has diminished and only comes back when triggered. The politics lately have been very triggering. Twice a week therapy has helped. And continues to help. I am 71 now.
3
Thank you for writing this piece. I wish I could send it to my two kids, aged 28 and 24, but I am afraid they would not understand my reasoning behind sending it.
3
What a beautiful essay. Thank you.
2
Beautiful. So honestly written, it touches the hearts of us all, especially those who have lost a mother.
3
It takes about 24 hours to travel from my home New Zealand to my home town in Wisconsin. When I got the call from my sister to say that Mom had gone into hospice, I got on the phone and organised the fastest ticket out I could (which left the next morning). Mom died about six hours after I arrived, already unconscious, but I knew that she knew I was there. My sister is convinced that she was waiting for her first born to "get home" before she would leave.
5
This is me today, my mother's first day in hospice care. I am studying her in this not-so-conscious state while hopeful she can hear me read dad's love letters to her as she prepares to greet him on the other side.
So far, no plans to buy a black dress.
4
I smiled reading this piece because the rhythym of the sequence is so familiar, even though I only went through the steps once. My mother died in 2002. I wrote a memoir about her decline and death, and the voyeuristic experience of watching a slow motion train wreck you cannot prevent, especially since you are on the train yourself.
A wonderful piece of writing. Thank you.
10
Caroline - I just lost my mother a few weeks ago and it's still difficult. Less so after reading your article and realizing I'm not alone in so many of the bizarre every-day type of thoughts and experiences I've had and am having around Mom's passing. Bless you for sharing.
9
Thank you Caroline. As a fellow member of the What community who lost my mother almost 2 years ago, I truly appreciate this. I also know that everyone has their own experience so don't pay any attention to criticisms here, jsut know that your voice on this matter was appreciated.
6
Where is your concern for your father in this? My husband recently died and I know that however much grief my children are feeling, it doesn’t begin to compare to the pain I am going through.
@Nancy I am so very sorry for your loss but don't assume because you've had one experience that everyone else has the same experience. Considering this is an essay about her grief it's not inappropriate to focus on her feelings of grief and the day to day things that occur to her leading up to the moment and following death.
4
@Cara thank you. I am a psychotherapist and counseling professor and my focus is death, dying, and bereavement. One of the things I try to emphasize over and over with my students is that the single worst thing anyone can say is, "I know how you feel." Each loss is unique, each experience of grief is different. So even if I have lost the same person you have, my experience is not yours. I do NOT know how you feel; I just hope I can be there so you can try to tell me.
3
@Nancy, my heart breaks for you. Please accept a gentle virtual hug.
1
Just one thought - two parts.. I do not think it's wise to put the names of grandkids, nieces and nephews, and especially not the location where they live. Just write about numbers.
Thank you for writing this beautiful, raw, real piece about your grief. I agree with many of the comments that our culture is so afraid of grief that many of us are left quite alone with the intensity of experience that we will ALL live through eventually. My husband died suddenly when my son was a baby. I was only 30. Only a handful of loved ones knew how to remain with me through the rough years that followed, and they meant the world to me. 5 years later, I became a therapist so that I could help grieving people feel less alone.
It's important to me to help people find accurate (i.e. not culturally distorted) information about grief. If you need more help with accurate information about grief and helping loved ones and friends through the process, check out these articles I've written:
Resilience: A New Grief Myth That Can Hurt You
http://bit.ly/ResilienceGriefMyth
Want to Support Your Grieving Friend? 5 Truths About What REALLY Helps
http://bit.ly/SupportGrievingFriend
12 Things I Learned About Love When My Husband Died on Valentines Day
http://bit.ly/12ThingsAboutLove
And this free grief e-book that dispels common myths that our culture spreads about grief:
http://bit.ly/GriefDownloadLanding
4
When I was 14 my mother took me shopping and we found a very nice black dress. Because she planned a suicide she shopped in advance for me. What to make of that I don't know.
6
I so envy you all in your grief and sorrow. My mother died this past June. It sounds horrendous on my part but it was truly a relief as she had tortured me for the past 15 to 20 years. I was the eldest of 4 and was always The dutiful daughter we seemed to have a good relationship, I helped care for her invalid husband while she worked,after he died she became argumentative and nasty and as the years went by whatever love I had for her just melted away. She was physically abusive to me as a child and joked about it to my sons. “ Grandma has fast hands”. I’m glad she is gone.
13
This really struck me "Look around during the funeral and realize how many of your friends have also buried their mothers. Wonder if you were supportive enough to them, realize you couldn’t possibly have been, know that you will be from now on."
I had the same feeling after my mother passed away. Now we know.
22
Oh my....this brought my Mother’s death back as if it were today. The tears won’t stop. Beautifully, poignantly, truthfully written. Thank you.
19
I am always envious of those who have had this kind of relationship with a parent. May you learn to live well in this world; your mother will always provide wind for your wings.
13
Thank you for your handbook. We all know it will happen but we hope through magical thinking it will never happen. There really isn't a one-size fits all check list although the one we got from the funeral home was actually helpful re: the financials and social security.
Your comment about shopping for a funeral dress resonated with me. Having packed all the wrong things, expecting that I would be spending days at the hospital, I ran into a J.Jill and grabbed a black dress off the rack. The salesperson nodded approval--"they are so versatile, aren't they?" I blurted out, "I hope not, it's for my father's funeral." and instantly felt sorry about dropping that bomb into her day.
5
I could not appreciate the author’s satiric tone. Evidently, the author herself hasn’t needed the services of hospice care—what has taken years to develop for those who need that kind of care whether medical, practical or spiritual.
2
@MEK We all get through these things differently. I recognize a gentle form of dark humor here because sometimes that is what helps me get through hard times.
I have learned from friends who handle things differently about other ways of managing. Sometimes it's just good to know about. Sometimes I find myself trying out their ways w varying results.
I don't hear lack of appreciation of hospice here but that's just my take.
24
I lost my mother unexpectedly 10 days ago. She went into surgery and never regained consciousness. We had her taken off life support. I go back and forth on whether I am glad that her suffering was truncated, or wishing that I had her just a little longer so that I could have told her again how much that I loved her and that she was my best friend. I missed the final goodbye.
17
Ah.
To my mind, Ms. Grant captures perfectly the disconnectedness, imbalance and rawness of our family's experience losing our incredible mother. This piece made me suddenly remember the shock and then the waves of near-hysterical, tear-filled laughter my sister and I shared in the parking lot after a sweet, young Target checkout clerk cheerily asked us if we had a new puppy.
Despite saying a stunned "yes" and providing the requested details (black Labrador retriever), we were in fact buying pet training pads to put on the newly delivered hospice bed so our father could more easily care for our dying mother during the week when we were back in our cities, back at our jobs. This bed would cradle our fiercely intelligent and strong mother in the peace of her house (it will always be her's) on the river, filled with the sounds of peacock calls. Ms. Grant makes me wonder -- how can this desolate experience be so universal, down to the mass hymns and dress shopping?
18
Wonderfully captures the pain and feelings of surrealism of this experience.
I keep a couple of appropriate black dresses always at the ready in my closet, because funerals sometimes appear at short notice.
When caring for a bedfast lady, I found it helpful to have a supply of nylon tricot gowns with a comfortable elastic neckline. The silky fabric slides on and off easily, makes it easier to move around in bed, and washes quickly.
4
What saved my mother after my stepfather’s long illness and death wasn’t the long list of errands and chores but a new routine. We convinced her to have the memorial service at home where she was most comfortable among family and friends. My husband made the wooden urn and my mom displayed it on the mantle until she was ready to move it to the VA cemetery. When the house overwhelmed her with too many memories we convinced her to visit with her older sister overseas. In new environment and with a different routine she thrived and stayed focus on her future. My mother doesn’t look back into the past anymore she has tossed her photo albums, old possessions, and sold her home. She is now enjoying her new life in Europe, with a new home, social circle, and life goals. Life can begin again after a family death.
9
Wow. This left me with tears crawling down my cheeks and made me re-live the 2 weeks I spent in July of this year watching my father leave our family.
This is so powerful and poignant - touching on so many states of mind and heart during such a time. And it's so sad that we can't seem to pass on the lessons learned when it comes to appreciating others until it's too late.
17
I found grief therapy to be beneficial in sorting out my feelings of guilt, relief, gratefulness, abandonment and numbness in the months after my sister died. Hospice staff can probably recommend a local organization whose counsellors are trained volunteers.
You don't get over it; you get through it, with the help and understanding of family, friends and counsellors.
8
Thank you for this. I'm 48. My dad died last year and my mother is now in the final stage of a terminal disease. The past year and a half have been like a strange sort of waking bad dream - brief episodes of panicked emergency, followed by long stretches of zombie-like shuffling through repetitious days.
Ms Grant captured the feeling perfectly. Yes, it is a painful and emotionally draining time, but there is still an endless list of things that need to be done and no one but our own (tired, scared and hurting) selves to do them. I have no doubt that, at some point in the distant future, I will look back on these strange years as the most painful time of my life. But, for now, all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and soldiering forward.
33
Please add to this poignant essay: “Not a day goes by that I do not start a “conversation” with both Mom and Dad telling them how much I love and miss them and for them to take care of me and my family.” Thank you, but I must go now. It’s 6:00 AM and time to say, “Hello!”
16
Having gone through this with my mother only three years ago, I sympathize with the anger that drives this essay. Part of that anger must've come from a self absorption that makes her mother's death all about the writer. Did she really take time to go shopping for a funeral dress and then describe it as an event between casual and cocktail? I'm aware of the dark humor here but we certainly don't learn much about her mother and maybe too much about the writer. I wish her peace.
2
Yup, you’ve said it all.
13
Keep a small hand towel at the ready to cry into. They can handle the buckets of tears that come with hard times much better than tissues.
Expect to cry at the most inconvenient and unexpected times then you will not be so upset that you have become emotional in public. Also know that those who have walked this path will know and will be kind.
Be gentle with yourself. You did your best.
52
When I read this I honestly started to think it was cruel satire. Seriously, a countdown to a parent's death like prepping for Thanksgiving? "Make sure to take Mom out of the freezer two days before she dies so she's fully thawed." I didn't get a month to "prep", we got 2 days after a three year long illness. Most of what the author wrote isn't even useful, some of it is ridiculous (and unintentionally satirical), but given the volume of positive responses it must be helpful in many cases. And to me that is where the mystery lies here.
8
@Stephen Q
Agree. I found some of the remarks about hospice flippant. Hospice was the best thing that ever happened to three people in my family, and I don't take it for granted. It was a fight to establish hospices at all. Too many calls or teddy bears volunteers? So what. What's it like to work at hospice day in, day out?
1
I think that’s the point...it’s a sad, never-ending, heart-numbing list of tasks that I think she captured and conveyed it perfectly. It’s not meant as a “how-to,” but rather an account of her own personal, very sad experience.
15
Each person can have his /her own reaction, of course, but I think she meant it to show how absurd
and awkward death can be when meshed with the tedium of our daily lives.
My own father died unexpectedly, without warning, and young. I never got to say goodbye and hope to have the opportunity to say goodbye.
I thought the piece was beautiful.
18
I am so grateful that there exist fine writers like Ms Grant, who can write what so many of us feel but cannot communicate.
She takes what could be a laundry list of events, but she can somehow infuse them with unimaginable, otherworldly, survivable sorrow.
Well, I can't do it. But I can pass along a rule my mother gave me. Her few rules were pithy: " A lady can say her foot hurts, but not that her feet hurt." " Always have a funeral dress in your closet."
So I've had the a black dress that's neither in fashion or out, just dull and multi-season, for the past decade. I've been very thankful for her advice when, over a five year stretch, 3 friends committed suicide and 1 was murdered.
Then my mother finished an exercise class, played some duplicate bridge, got a fever that evening and died before sunrise. That dress felt like a personal blessing from my mom.
Feel free to appropriate her wisdom--it will reduce your heartbreaking to- do list by one item.
48
What a beautifully written piece on something so indescribable as the pain of losing your mother. It really touched my soul in remembering those dark days of my own mother's passing. Thank you for your gift of writing and my deepest condolences to you. May your fun memories of your Mom soon crowd out the sadness.
This also brings me comfort, written by the gifted poet, Nayyirah Waheed,
"My mother was my first country, the first place I ever lived."
34
Beautiful piece of writing! This brought me to tears thinking about the death of my own mother and you captured the humor, sadness and grief that surrounds the grieving process. It's been four years but I don't want this process to end. I miss my mother every day, some are harder than others but her love and words surround me, especially on those really difficult days. Take comfort that you were able to spend the precious time you had with her and know that she will always be with you.
15
The ringing of the phone, how I remember it! But also the joy at the last hymn, and yes, shopping for the outfit and the clerk's surprise when I told her that it was for my 89 year old mom"s funeral. That mix of joy and tears that rests in your heart forever. A beautiful article. Thank you. Love you Mom!
21
So sorry for your irreparable and monumental loss. My Mom died when I was 28 and I have been the family matriarch since, for over thirty two years now ...Today my 10 year old granddaughter who is named for my Mom wears pink for breast cancer awareness, mindful of honoring her memory and living on in spirit....
This kind of loss is a constant sadness that becomes part of you. Know that memories you cherish will be a comfort to you always.
18
First I buried my daughter; one year later I buried my mom who died suddenly. Then my father shot himself from his grief. He lived and descended into dementia that lasted years; now he's gone. I've grieved a lot. Why can't we be more open about what we're dealing with? Someday we will all bury someone. It's life. Is it really so harsh to hear, "I'm shopping for a funeral dress." I'm not critical of the author, but of our society that wants us Oprah positive and cheery at all times. Maybe that's why we're all so medicated.
65
@Carolyn i had to laugh a little at your comment because you are so right! I lost almost half my family over the course of three years - including my daughter - now I'm so much more accepting of the both the hardness and heartbreaking beauty of life. I really don't have time for fretting over whether my dress is too frilly for the occasion - too much life to live!
7
@Carolyn, yes. I went to Eileen Fisher with my aunt the day after my mom died as I’d been wearing the same clothes all week in the hospital. “Shopping with your mom for something special?” chirped the salesperson. I got a grim thrill out of an honest reply: “No; mom just died and I need something for the funeral.” I agree that we skirt around death far too much in American culture, to our detriment when it finally knocks on our door.
7
I wish I'd seen this before my dad died this summer. Might have helped to have this to share. Thanks for writing this.
So much was lost in addition to my dad.
The demand and expectation that we all must keep functioning was deafening. My brother, whose come back when I spoke of mourning was that everyone mourns differently, made sure that the rest of us would mourn as he did. By keeping busy.
No possible resting time together. It was terrible.
And I can't tell him or I will loose what little is left of a family relationship. I am mourning without mourning and mourning for there being a family at all.
Logistics are no substitute for mourning.
For family and friends who don't live near other mourners, the loss of the possibility of mourning together is no small thing.
19
I think of the day my dad died as the day I passed through the looking glass. You cannot understand the pain of losing a parent until it happens to you.
I remember thinking that I wasn’t there for my friends who had lost their parents before me. I always send a card was someone I know loses someone they loved.
24
You understand--thank you.
19
Beautiful. I recently lost my father and thought many times that it’s incredible that the vast majority of us go through this searing pain of losing a parent. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and yet so universal.
16
This brought me to tears remembering my own mother's passing. Isn't it odd that at the time we don't want to burden others with our sadness?
22
I was 15 when my Momma died suddenly. Of course there was nothing in my closet suitable for her funeral, I couldn't wear pants! I remember dear family friends taking my younger sister and I shopping and the saleswoman asking what we were shopping for. I looked at her and said a dress for m Momma's funeral and it can't be black! I wore rose and my younger sister wore purple, nobody wore black, not even Daddy.
That was 42 years ago...25 years later we were dress shopping again, this time we all wore black as we became adult orphans...
39
My mother died 51 years ago and I still miss her. This essay brought me to tears. Beautiful and evocative.
36
It’s been 30 years since my Mom passed away suddenly. I remember standing in my closet thinking, “what do I wear to my Mother’s funeral?” Choosing her coffin and then what she would wear, finally arranging the service. It’s been 30 years, yet this piece, as I sobbed through it knowing the ending, made me feel like it was yesterday. I would “be an adult” any day, just to have my Mom back for one last smile and hear her say “ Hi Sweetheart”. I am so sorry that you have lost such a big piece of you.
27
Best of all, you show how one's sense of humor continues to flicker in even the saddest of times.
18
I’ve never read a piece that so poignantly captured the experience of losing my mother. I’m not sure I even breathed while I read. Thank you.
38
I feel like I should pass this onto my children for the inevitable day(s) when my husband and I go.
12
This accuracy and clarity of this is striking. I had the exact moment of “Is this for something special?” from a clerk at Ann Taylor.
I also remember being at Bed, Bath and Beyond shopping for new sheets to put on the soon-to-arrive hospice bed, and having a salesperson ask, “Find everything you need?” In my head, I replied, “Yep, ready to pay for the sheets my mom will die on.”
Thank you for this and love to everyone here grieving someone special.
39
Brought back vividly the memory of trying to help my mother find a dress for her mother's funeral. It was midsummer in a resort town.
6
Whenever I travel I carry a black outfit just like the Royals, who pack one when they travel. You never know when a 94 year old mother will die. Every time the area code of her nursing home flashes on my phone, my heart stops.
24
All of our dying mothers and their loved ones should have the support of hospice care. Articles like this one remind me of how little support my mother and I had, how much pain she died in, and what a horrifying, harrowing, lonely time it was.
35
@CTCajun I am sorry you did not have the support you needed. I just lost my dear Mother this year and felt supported and loved. As a nurse I was able to navigate the system to keep my Mom comfortable. It was not easy and I can feel you pain. All the best. LA
14
Thank you, Lynnann. I appreciate these thoughts, and I am so sorry for your loss.
10
Beautiful. As it was for my sibs and me when my Mother died. One thing I remember the Minister from the wonderful Unitarian church that my Mom and Step-father attended. She said to us, in that final day, "say your "I'm sorries and I love you."
14
As someone with a father about to enter the hospice phase, I did not find this piece funny, "cute", or entertaining.
My father definitely does not care about the style of the black dress I plan to wear to his funeral at this point.
10
@Ms Nina G
I am so sorry. Peace be with you and your family in your Father's final days.
5
@Ms Nina G I know that you are in pain, and that this piece rubbed you the wrong way, and I understand. However, as someone on "the other side", having lost my mother almost 1 year ago and my father 5 months ago-both in hospice with horrifying endings-this could not be more honest. I could have written this. It's not funny or cute. It's painfully honest and painful to the point that I cried reading it. Your days ahead will not be easy and I wish you grace and strength as you navigate through this time. Be kind to yourself.
27
I doubt that the author intended to be cute, funny or entertaining. Grief is a singular experience that we all face in our unique ways.
Your pain is palpable but you may feel a little better not directing your anger from the pain at a person who chose to express her grief in a very public way.
Let’s honor our differences. May you have peace.
39
So so very true.
I miss them all
1994 mom, Pancreatic and lung cancer
2017 baby sister , 10 years my junior .... ovarian cancer
2018 dad, prostate, colon , stomach cancer.
Thank you for validating our sweet sadness and all the pieces of our heart.
46
Thank you. So poignant and beautifully written. I don't think we ever stop missing our mothers. My mother passed away 3 months after her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. It's been sixteen years. I have periods where I'm okay and then periods where I miss her intensely. Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong.
64
Thank you for what has been so true for you...and many, many others. And if I may, as a hospice nurse...and as a daughter...there are no absolute right or wrong decisions...only those made with what you know and what you feel at that moment in time.
Remind those you love what is true about your mutual love. Accept that not all relationships have been good or healthy or whole. Do the best you can. Sincerely.
68
Oh my. So beautiful. I've spent the last two days going through and shredding or (again) electing to keep my parents papers and files; she died 20 years ago and he, six years ago. This was perfectly timed for me, as it feels like another step on the grief spectrum process I think may never end. Thank you for sharing this. My condolences to you and your family.
47
Beautifully written. Grateful for it. It’s nearly been a year since my own Mom’s passing. Her intelligent quiet strength and love were remarkable. Fortunate to have been one her children.
39
Beautiful in a raw kind of way... I dread of those days to come. I know I will remember this piece when the time for me to experience all of this sadly arrives
15
Beautiful article. Thank you for the deeply personal account of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors at such a difficult time.
17
Wow...just a simply wonderful piece. Thank you Caroline....I now know this ‘handbook’ will be there for me, when I need it most.
14
Beautifully written. I know I will be reading this piece again someday to relate...
11
Thank you. I have been with my Mom, my Dad and now my sweet daughter. I still can't believe it's true.
34
A beautiful article and Yvetta Fedorova's illustration is also lovely.
8
@msd
Big fan of her illustrations . . .
5
Poignant, especially the section about holding her hand. My mother's grip was firm almost to the end.
28
Lovely.
There are so many drives through darkness: if anything represents life and death emergencies for me, its that experience of heading off at odd hours in the dark, in a sort of limbo.
As for the dress, in recent funerals I've been to, people have worn everyday clothes, perhaps dark, but no special outfits. I take it as they have had all they can do to keep up with responsibilities that swirl around the death, and funeral, while keeping others and themselves afloat.
27
@cheryl Yes. This is so true. The 4 a.m. phone call from my mother after she had fallen and broken her hip last year comes to mind. The frantic dressing in the dark, the hasty text to my boss, the too-fast drive across still-sleeping highways to reach her as quickly as possible. I son't think my heart finally stopped racing until I sat, hours later, in a hospital waiting room chair.
6
Truly lovely.
15
Thank you for sharing, so honest, so personal, brings back my memories and a reminder also to be there for others
31