We lost my only sibling last year tragically. How I wish my mother had not aborted her third child, finances being a major obstacle to my parents. An only child walks a lonely path as I know now all too well. And nobody to share childhood memories with. I miss my brother dearly.
Human beings don't come with guarantees. Sometimes, you get a sibling like my best friend's brother, who was born severely mentally handicapped. He never learned to talk, bathe himself, or prepare meals for himself. Now 58, the brother is in a nursing home, unable to walk, toilet himself, or dress himself (he's probably suffering from Alzheimer's but it's hard to tell when someone is nonverbal to begin with). For my friend, this brother was always a burden and a duty, not a best friend. My friend was also neglected by his parents because his sibling required so much of their energy and care. There wasn't much left over for their elder son.
Or you could get a sibling like my mother, who hated her elder sister until her dying day. Or you could get a sibling that dies after a long and terrible illness or a brief and horrifying accident (as my father's elder brother did -- he was run over by a train, and my father had PTSD for life).
In our imaginations, our spouse, siblings, children, etc. can be perfect. We can imagine sharing stories or beers, traveling, celebrating. But real people are always messier and sometimes the bad outweighs the good. Don't dwell too much on what might have been, because it might have been something much less happy than the rose-colored glasses of imagination produce.
6
Thank you for sharing both your exquisite pain and your hope for the future. Being the eldest of three, I cannot imagine being an only child, though as a child I sometimes wished I was for purely selfish reasons.
1
I lost my brother to a brain tumor when he was 10 and I was 11. This was hard to read. I turned 30 just this year. His absence haunts me.
10
It sounds like you experienced abuse in your childhood and you appear to process the world as a more sensitive soul. Your words reveal a great deal of pain. Please consider a good therapist to help process what happened to you. A brother may have been a blessing, but he would not have eased the trauma of abuse. Over time, therapy helped ease the pain of my past, and helped me look forward with my own family instead of staying stuck in what could have been.
7
Beautiful and unique piece. Thank you. My brother and I are 1.5 yrs apart and we are totally different personalities, but he is a big part of my life and story. He and I have always got along fairly well, but he's had multiple rough patches where he cut off my parents, which was very hard for me. But, I still cant imagine being solo growing up. I have to imagine your times being watched by the cruel neighbors would have been easier to handle with a sibling.
I had my two boys 1.5 yrs apart, and although they aren't independent adults yet, watching them grow together is absolutely beautiful. Cost aside, day-to-day I think it's easier to have two kids rather than one, because they provide each other with so much entertainment when they are close in age. Hours are filled with the two playing and laughing and learning(and squabbling). And with the costs, you figure it out as you go and make sacrifices that later seem small (older cars, older home, less meals out, camping or day trips instead of fancy vacations)...
P.S. Your friendship with your guy friend sounds wonderful and should be treasured!
2
I have been working in post abortion ministry for over twenty years now. For the past 9 years we have been offering retreats for those who have lost a sibling to abortion. So often siblings live in the mourning and "what ifs" of losing a brother or sister to abortion. This knowledge comes with many questions varying depending on if the sibling was aborted before or after the persons birth.
Healing is not about condemning the parents but about acknowledging the feelings and helping them to move through the process and connecting to others.
Thank you Yiming for sharing your heart and thank you to the Times for printing this. There are countless numbers of siblings of aborted babies who feel the same way. You are not alone in your feelings
.http://postabortionhelp.org/pah/siblings/
8
You and your spouse, whoever that may be, should try to have two children. You feel you have missed something special and you have. I have two siblings, and while we are not all always close, they are still family, and that is important. Your parents couldn't afford another child but you can. You have missed a lot by not having siblings, don't do that to your first child.
8
I love this author's honesty! I think it takes courage to open yourself to feelings like this and only good can come of running toward your struggles, not running away.
I know someone who went on a siblings retreat with Lumina and learned how many ways his loss had affected him, which was the beginning of healing.
I applaud this author and hope he comes to healing.
5
The author is honestly sharing something strange and hard to imagine; feeling a potential sibling as an amputee feels a phantom limb. I can't relate, but I am glad he was able to put it into words and process the strange grief.
I am an older sister of one younger sibling. We are best friends, despite being different sexes and 5 years apart. I know my mother tried several times for a third, with quiet tragedy folded between our births. As sad as I am for her, I doubt I would be so close with my sibling if we weren't just a pair - the salt to each other's pepper. I do not mourn the third that wasn't.
My mother also experienced the estrangement of her own toxic brother and sister, who in turn emotionally and financially devestated her parents, and tarnished her trust in familial ties, only to play and replay the prodigal role. They both now lean predatorially on her elderly motherher in her twilight years, both draining and coveting her dwindling assets.
There is no guarantee that your siblings will be your best friend, just as there is no guarantee that they won't hurt you as only someone so close can.
Moving forward, I hope he and his partner can come to an agreement - whether that takes the shape of having a singleton with a rich life full of friends and neighbors, or a pair of siblings.
In the short term, he could always be a Big Brother to a little brother who needs an older sibling right now - via Big Brothers Big Sisters.
8
The imagined life is always sweeter. I know plenty of sibling units that don't spend the holidays together, don't even talk. When their parents passed, they were still alone.
18
I read this with mouth agape for the entirety of the time required to finish this.
The author is not entitled to a sibling. The choice lies solely with his mum and his mum only. Her body, her choice.
Some men do not understand that childbirth is not akin to hatching eggs. Or blithely chose to ignore this.
Many women survive childbirth. Some do not. Some women find themselves trapped in bodies that feel, look and move differently post-birth. The dreaded "watermelon-ey, tiger-striped" bellies are just one example.
7
A Story told to me . In a college class.. probably psychology.. the teacher noted that all children at some time suspect they are adopted and asked for a show of hands if anyone in the class never did. My friend raised his hand. Asked why my friend said because he was #13 of thirteen children.
I would think the feelings of an adopted child would be similar to the writer's.
1
Be glad your parents didn’t decide they couldn’t afford you.
Choose a wife whose wishes about parenthood coincide with your own.
9
I find it completely strange that t he mother would share this info. Was it a spiteful remark against t he father? Was it utter frustration with the boy? Something triggered it. And to claim to k now the gender? That is really unusual. That said, it is hard. I had a brother who died at birth. Very hard. I had a living brother, but we were never close, very different. I always wanted a sistsr, but maybe we would also have been very different.
5
At 10 weeks how did you decide it was a brother and not a sister?
10
Siblings can be a great blessing. I am so close to mine, as are my in-laws. There really is no joy like that of a grandmother with her assembled grandchildren—and the relationships among cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews are the stuff of life.
7
I'm not very close to my sister. We are also about 5 years apart - same as you would have been to your brother - and I think that can be too much.
We did want our daughter to have a sibling through so she would not be "alone" in the world. So we have two daughters. They are close now but I know there are no guarantees it will stay that way. But I'm glad we gave them the option.
I think it's healthy for your to accept your melancholy about this but not dwell too much on it. Siblings can be best friends, drift apart, or even be enemies. We can never know.
19
Your longing for your missing brother is completely natural. He was alive, but in this world he's no longer here.
The legacy of a life -- even a hard one -- is worth far more than career acheivements or financial security. I say this as the oldest of six for whom finances have frequently been tenuous.
4
Beautifully written. The interesting thing is that many kids in larger families sometimes feel neglected and ignored. I myself am from a larger family and sometimes felt "lonely in a crowd" even when surrounded by my family. I envied smaller families where the kids seemed to get more attention. Next time, invite Kevin. Your instincts are right, that you want to connect with others.
15
Wenoteand state: Well written, Mr. Ma.
3
I'm sorry you had to spend your childhood days in the homes of strangers who wanted you to be quiet. You are a caring son not to "burden" your working parents with this and choosing to suffer in silence instead. Your parents have raised a good son.
27
Your writing is beautiful. I, too, am an only child and I cared for my parents for 25 years. I never wanted a sibling more than when I was dealing with aging and sick parents.
13
It’s interesting that in the author’s mind he would have had a brother. Would he feel the same if the lost sibling was a sister?
12
At 10 weeks gestation, the fetus is one-and-a-half inches long. Generally, women are not advised of the gender of their aborted fetuses. The author’s assumption that his sibling shared his gender adds to the narcissistic feel of this essay.
25
@cl This comment just seems cruel. You don't know how the author came to know of the sex of his sibling. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he's obviously experiencing pain over the loss of what might have been.
2
I'm the mother of a 10-year-old. I became very unexpectedly pregnant when she was 6 and had an abortion. I know it was the right decision for me and my family. I have always planned to share this experience with my daughter at some point, but this article makes me feel somewhat nauseous at the prospect that she will be eternally resentful. (I don't mean this as a criticism of the author!) Now I'm not sure whether I will share it with her.
13
Don’t give up on your close friendship with Kevin! Many of the people I’m closest to are friends.
11
You have brought tears to my eyes nearly to the point of sobbing. I am an only child, now in my late 60s. I vowed early on in my life that if I ever had children, I would have more than one. I have two sons (and several grandchildren)but very nearly only had one. The second child was a surprise who we could not afford either, but I rebeled at the last moment and could not go through with the abortion. Everytime I look ast his beautiful face, I wonder what my life would have been like without him. I am pro-choice, and this was my choice. You too can make a choice to have two children. They are a comfort to each other.
30
I am from a third world country and a number 7th child out of ten children. I didn’t have a childhood, there was not even a single event that dedicated for me only. All I remember is how older siblings put law and order on me. I never never made decisions and chose things for me, all done for me. I once told why I know so many old songs( I lot older then me) because those were my older siblings choice and I didn’t have a power to express my liking or my desire. Once I asked my mother why she didn’t use contraception? All her anger and frustrations of raising so many children poured on me and I just walked away and never talked about it again. I always wished I was an only child !
31
All through my childhood, I was told that my middle name, Thomas, means "twin"; that I was "supposed to be" a twin. In those days (1950's), there was no in-utero imaging or associated technology.
One day after having me, my mother was surprised and alarmed when the undeveloped remains of what would have been my brother (I assume) was "born".
I didn't know the details until I was a teenager. But, since I can remember, and probably before that, I have had a sense of "another", of being aware of and connected to another me, or near me. I have not lived in remorse, or anything; it's just a sense that my life would have been richer, more complete. Difficult to explain! Thanks for this article.
19
Keep writing. From the heart.
15
Your mom made the best decision for her and her family at that time. She would be very hurt if she knows how you are feeling about this non-existing brother. You need to go out and make your own life, have a big family if that's what you want, instead of dwelling on something that your mother did.
Having said that, I also don't think this is something that those of us with siblings can understand. I was at a social skills parent-group once when an older single mother with mobility and health issues shared how her young adopted daughter always get so excited when relatives visit and stay with them, because this only child worried that her mother would die one day soon and she would be all alone. I can't imagine how the child lives with this thought everyday. It must be very scary indeed!
19
It's healthy to have and express the feelings we have, without adding guilt about how they would make loved ones feel.
14
As the parent of an only child I understand the author's desire to have more than one child. Sometimes it just doesn't happen despite the marvels of modern medicine.
Two suggestions: maybe you should rethink the idea of marriage to your current girlfriend. Second, if you do wind up with only one child then be sure to provide lots of opportunities for that child to develop friendships with other children. Among our son's (now in his 30's) many friends are several he first met in preschool! They share a common frame of reference just as siblings usually do.
Above all be sure not to let your child know the sadness you may feel as the parent of an "only." Do not place a burden on your child of feeling he/she has to be a "super child" to compensate for the lack of a sibling.
31
I understand you wondering what it would have been like. I just lost my brother, we were not close. I am the mother of one and our home is filled with much more love and smiles on one day than my childhood was for years. Personally, I believe it is the quality of those around you, not the quantity.
43
Beautifully written— I can almost see your brother too...
I was born 17 years after my brother; we were, in effect, two only children, in the same family. Born just after the Depression, he was shunted among relatives while our parents worked/sought work.
I always wished we been kids together—someone else to play with, avoid the neighborhood thugs, and fights at home; to slam doors with and swim with and understand the complicated world of our parents with....
In my early adult years we were briefly close, but I married and moved away. We came together as our parents aged and died and we had to manage their tangled needs. Dependent on our parents all his life, my brother turned to me to take their place and support him. I managed their complicated estate, but couldn’t fix his life. Distraught at the collapse of the only world he’d ever known, he lashed out at me. Knowing why didn’t make it easier to bear. We were siblings that had always been apart. He died with in five years.
And I miss him still.
And so I had two children then, when I was 40 and 43. They are late teenage/early 20’s now, reasonably close friends, and have each other, and their lives, together.
It’s no promise of perfect— but I recommend it.
22
Oh for goodness sake. Have more than one child yourself and you will find out what real siblings are like. That invisible brother might have been a narcissist who took advantage of you or just a completely different personality that you couldn’t get along with. You may have lucked out being an only, and for sure you had more of your parents’ time, affection and resources than you ever would have had as a multiple. Stop whining.
59
@Carmine wow that is harsh
3
Whenever there is a report in the NYT about a woman or family of colour who is in poverty who has more than one child, the condemnatory comments come piling in about irresponsibilty.
We had one child. We could not afford another one, so we didn't have one. We are a very close-knit family. I think the author needs to accept his mother made the best decision she could at the time. His account is moving, but edges toward self-pity.
There are ghosts in all of our families.
5
Well written article with full of passion for the nonexistent sibling. My brother has a daughter. My cousin sister has a son. One of my other cousins also has a daughter. I don’t know whether all of them have similar longing for the sibling they don’t have.
6
Being the mother of an single child ( I resent the term "only") I can relate to your story as I wanted my son to have a sibling but my health issues prevented it. He doesn't exactly know why he does not have a sibling (he knows I had health problems) but given that I only had the ability care for one child, I am so glad it was him.
No one knows how their lives would have been different with more or less siblings. I feel you have honored your mother in understanding her situation & honored the brother you did not grow up with. And if you still have the chance to tell your mom, you understand how difficult her decision was to just have you, it would probably be really appreciated by her. Perhaps one day my son will say that to me.
38
You love your siblings *because* they’re not ideal. It’s all the idiosyncrasies and peculiarities—everything that may make getting along difficult—that are also what make them who they are and you who you are. But no one would choose that.
12