Amazing words. Thank you.
Kate,
We want to thank you for all of your selfless time that you have given to us to help us become better writers. Knowing that you spent time with our class when you could have been spending time with Rowan makes us feel honored and special. We are thankful that Rowan is doing well. Congratulations on the release of Shadow Girl in hardback! We anxiously await your future novels!
1
What a beautiful essay. Let him play with all the legos he wants you are not spoiling him you are nurturing him. As a child I played constantly with blocks, built doll houses out of shoe boxes and drew house plans. My parents never denied me the supplies I needed to pursue my creativity. Today I design kitchens and furniture. I was preparing for this career all my life. So shower him with legos and love and who knows maybe one day he will build skyscrapers.
5
my daughter was just shy of 3 when she had surgery to repair her ASD and papvr. 14 years later, she is fine. she goes for regular check ups. she is an active and happy young woman.
of course you worry. your own heart now lives outside of your body. i very much remember that heart shaped stone in my throat and in the pit of my stomach.
i hope your son continues to thrive. and that he enjoys those legos for a long time.
4
my daughter had heart surgery to repair her asd and papvr when she was almost 3. she's 17 now and doing well. she sees a cardiologist every 2-3 years, and except for being a little smaller, has no ill effects. it was so hard, but now that it's all in my rear-view mirror, it doesn't seem so bad.
the heart shaped stone i know well. and children are our own hearts existing out of our bodies.
i hope your son does as well. thinking of you both.
4
How can you spoil a child with love? Be glad that he is there to allow you to buy him those Legos.
6
For goodness sakes. No he's not spoiled. Amd not because he has heart disease. There is nothing "spoiled" about asking for things that you have every reason to think your parents want to get you. Only if hes manipulating you or will raise a huge fuss if you say no, so you give in, does " spoiled" even come into play.
If you want to give him the logos, give him the logos, if not tell him he's had enough. You have enough real stuff to worry about.
6
I was born with a hole in my heart in the 1960's. Thanks to the doctors and staff at St Francis hospital in Roslyn, NY I've been fine since my surgery at 4 years old. I don't remember much in the way of special toys, but I do remember this...my parents had lots of parties and, given that I was not supposed to eat salty foods, I was always trying to sneak potato chips. My mother told me that, once I had my surgery, she'd bring me a big bag of chips. And, sure enough she did...!
6
When I was your son's age I had a series of leg operations to treat a rare disease (which has returned now that I'm in my fifties in a form that will probably kill me in a year or two) and I got showered with a variety of toys after each one. I don't remember even one of those toys now, but what they were wasn't important. At that age, material things can be powerful symbols of caring. The toys didn't spoil me completely. Sure, there were a few bumpy times, but that was ages ago now and I'm fine, as I'm sure your son will be, in time.
completeandtotalloser.blogspot.com/
7
Bless you all as you build as many Lego sets as you want. My kids are grown and gone, and I still miss building Lego creations with them. If the pile in the living room grows too large, have him build on top of a white sheet. When you want to clean up, just grab the corners of the sheet and set the whole thing aside. He may also like to rebuild some of his older sets and document their completeness to donate/sell on eBay/exchange with someone else.
I wish you all many years of happiness!
9
My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes six years ago when she was almost 10 and immediately got the two things she'd been begging for -UGGs and pierced ears! (She also got to quit piano lessons.) Your child is fighting a fight most other children aren't. Your child has to pay attention to things most other children can ignore. Your child is old beyond his years while others are still carefree. Buy the Legos. He deserves it. You deserve it.
13
Thank you for this column. It didn't put a stone in my lungs, but it sure put a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. I've got three grandsons (4, 5 and 10) and they've had only minor medical issues, only one requiring surgery, but even with those, there's worry.
As a grandfather, I've got a different perspective on spoiling little boys. I figure it's in my job description. The other day the four-year-old took me out to buy birthday presents for Grandma. We came home with four Legos, one for him. I guess it was his finder's fee.
I spoiled myself this Christmas and bought the new, massive Mellennial Falcon. The 10-year-old and I spent hours putting it together. I don't think either of us will forget that. I don't know if Rowan, at six, is old enough to build Legos by himself, but they have a Junior line with bigger pieces, and my two youngest are sure proud when they build a set themselves with only minor assistance from Grampa.
Anyway, spoil yourself and buy a grownup Lego. It's good for the soul.
All the best to you and your family. And he can still be encouraged to play in the mud.
14
You child should have NO hospital bills. Period. Our society puts infinite burdens in front of families like yours, simply to use money as a weapon. No child should need to worry about anything other than being a child. If we can't agree in advance that being stricken with a life threatening illness is an indiscriminate event, then we are doomed as a society. Legos to build a better world is my remedy for what ails us. God bless you and may your child be restored to good health as soon as possible.
11
My son was born with Tetralogy of Fallot. I know that feeling of stone stuck in throat. He had heart surgery at the age of 6 months and is doing great today. Every smile on his face reminds me of what he had to go through to get where he is.
13
Big hugs and love to you and your son!
3
Some of the most heartwarming memories I have are of watching my grandchildren play with legos. From one step to another, it was a kind of journey that I made along with them.
6
For my son, it wasn't legos we packed up for the heart surgery at age 5, it was a bag full of dinosaurs--big, powerful dinosaurs. When a young resident asked him a throwaway question ("What's your favorite dinosaur?", my son gave him a lengthy tutorial on the comparative merits of pachycephalosaurus vs. T-Rex, vs. ankylosaurus, etc. Bottom line: all dinosaurs, like all children, are wondrous. Thirty years later he is athletic, happy, world-traveling, self-supporting and healthy --and my husband and I still got him a dinosaur mug at the Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah last fall.
17
Love it that you shared what he loved together, and am so happy he is doing well today!
5
As a
As a '"heart baby" myself i wished my parents has understood, and given me more attention. My surgery was at age 7. i am now totally healthy and almost 68. My son was diagnosed at birth with an ASD, After 3 years it closed, requiring no surgery. I bought him match box cars every single morning with a stone in my throat. Well...time to go to yoga and row. My heart is with you. Each moment is precious.
14
I hope you find quiet joy today. My dad gets my son matchbox cars, and he calls him CarMan. He loves those moments.
7
What a beautiful Valentine to Rowan and to all of us. It is a reminder to cherish our time together and to make each moment count.
I am sorry that Rowan has been through so much in his young life. But he is very lucky to have you as his Mom.
13
Thank you. Last year, one of our friends made my son a little Lego heart for a Valentine. We are lucky to share so much time building together.
4
My son is 24 and has Down syndrome. He loves LEGO movie Batman kits (last year Star Wars and Harry Potter before that).
I can’t get through target with him either.
And every time I come home with a new kit, my husband comes home from work and says ‘did we really need that’?
We look up from our kit (while listening to an audible book, or the hockey game), meticulously adding the next brick and smile, Yes, we needed it today.
12
Yes! Enjoy your building time with your son!
6
We had some very difficult years during which my then young son struggled (though not through the type of life threatening illness you and your boy have faced, we faced family issues and some severe trauma...); Legos were his saviors. No matter how he felt, building with those Legos allowed him to be whole and happy and consumed with the activity. When stressors arose, he went to his Legos; he could play happily for hours. Even years later, after the turmoil in the family had passed, when the social stresses of early high school or the academic stresses of SATs loomed, he'd pull out some Legos and the stress would be gone.
Enjoy every moment with your boy; health and blessings to your family.
8
I know the feeling of that heart-shaped stone. I'm sure your son knows he's yours forever, too. Wishing health and love for your family.
6
Sending those wishes back to you too.
My son had a difficult birth and was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at about a year. A foolish young therapist told me he would never talk. At about five he told me I don’t want CP anymore. My heart broke as I told him everyone has something and you have CP. How you grow handle your “Thing” will show what kind of person you are. You can be a sad, whiny, feel sorry for yourself person or you can be a brave, try hard, do everything you can person. With tears running down my cheeks I hugged him and told him I loved him. He said, “ You know, if I had a new remote control car I would feel better”. That is when I knew he would be just fine. He got his second college degree and married last summer. He is a great young man. PS. He got that car.
10
I love this story! I love how you showed him the way, while still supporting him and sharing in what he loved. And now he's grown up knowing how to do everything he can. How lucky, and how loved.
3
He's not going to die. But he may grow up spoiled, which won't be doing him any favors.
What an unkind comment on such a beautiful essay.
9
Please read these stories of children with similar "burdens" and the power of a favorite toy to release that burden - for parent and child. The result is not a spoiled child/adult but a family with shared memories. We've been, as a family, purchasing Lego sets for a beloved child whose parents are in crisis. That escape offered by the Lego sets is more valuable than a court-ordered therapist - at a significantly higher hourly rate.
6
What an utterly cruel and nasty thing to say.
3
I'm not quite sure how to put this... There are all kinds of play, but something like Legos allows a child to give, to build, to create something, something outside of himself/herself, something unhampered by physical ailments. For a child with physical problems, that can be a real joy, both for the child and the parents. The child can create and enter his/her own world and, regardless of physical limitations, dream and build BIG. Just as parents feed the child healthy foods, so giving yet another Lego set is feeding the heart, the mind, the person that is the child. And what a wonder and joy it is to see the child creating his world.
24
This weekend my grandson and I sat on the floor in the basement with an entire trunk of legos from the days his father and uncle loved only legos. Side by side, saying very little, we recreated our own little world. Legos are never an indulgence!
21
There is something terribly wrong with a wealthy country that buries its citizens in hospital reminders and doesn’t provide health care to all. I wish your son health and you peace of mind.
28
Such a beautifully written piece! I'll remember this whenever I step on a small Lego in the middle of the night. My short-lived pain is nothing in the grand scheme of life!
34
Oh, this is so spot on. We've done the heart surgery thing 3 times, and caths 2 more. My now almost 5-year-old loves Legos. I know that feeling in Target, when he asks for something, and I know he is spoiled, but there is always that fear. What if? What if his heart with its sub-optimal circulation gets tired? What if his fenestration clots, and he throws the clot? What if? What if? So you spoil him a little more.
Thank you for sharing your story, for raising awareness of the 1 in 110 babies born with heart defects, many of whom will need surgery.
42
Children cannot get spoiled. Last week's moo shu gets spoiled.
3
Beautifully written. So glad your boy is doing well. I have six and four and a half yr old boys and Legos are their world, which is so sweet really. Good for you for capturing those special moments!!
7
I buy things when I’m depressed. In all seriousness, kudos mama. I pray for good health and a long life for your son, so he can get all the legos he wants!
14
If the heart were a pen-shaped organ,
this piece was surely written with it.
I'm an 84 year-old man, and my heart was the papyrus which will never forget this heavenly pen.
Bless you and your boy, beautiful heart.
65
I am glad your son is doing well. My son died after heart surgery when he was a toddler. I say buy legos, kiss, smile, love him and celebrate. He's not spoiled, he's alive.
103
Every time you feel that ping of possibly “spoiling” your son, just lift up his shirt and let him show you his badge of courage. Who knows maybe he’ll be designing Lego when he grows up. Cut yourself a break Momma.
30
He is a wonder and very brave.
22
Kate, I hope the showrunner of This Is Us is reading this essay, because you totally need to write for that show! :-) Thank you for this incredibly affecting essay - I'm heartened to hear your boy is doing well.
5
Thank you, he is full of energy and joy today!
13
Beautiful and profound. I picture your son debating on the merits of another Lego set with his own child.
24
This is such a beautifully written article. Sending radiant and positive vibes your family’s way.
17
Thank you for your beautiful and insightful essay. You have captured so well the pain and ambivalence we all feel when our children are so seriously ill. Anything, anything to help them feel like kids and to let us playwith them even for a moment. I hope he continues to thrive.
Ps my tip is to pass on the Lego to someone who really needs in when the time has passed.
5
So beautifully written and moving. Sending love and healing light to your family.
6
Thank you so much!
3
As the mom of a child born with complex heart defects, your words strongly resonate. It sounds like things are going well with your little guy. Enjoy every minute and don’t worry about indulging him. While others may not get it, we ‘heart’ parents are part of a special tribe. My daughter, now 30, is married, working a job she loves, and is a kind, caring soul. Thank you for sharing.
29
Thank you for sharing about your daughter. The more I hear about grown heart babies, the more I can imagine a long future for my son.
12
Spoiling him now is fine! My family has faced this with two boys, my son and my nephew. When things settled down, then you can revert to (more) normal. But for the kid with these challenges, a few extra legos is a small luxury. Very best to your family.
20
And best to you and yours!
2
Many Lego sets have longevity (not true of much sold in big box stores today). and often there are no age boundaries depending on a child's interests.
May Rowan play with his Lego sets with his children.
9
OMG! What a gorgeous piece of writing. And I so understand the stone in the throat. Keep writing for us please. And all my love to your sweet Lego lover.
12
This is so beautiful and true and heartbreaking. I wish the very very very best for your boy.
23
He is doing great and so are we! We'll have enough Legos to build him a house when he grows up!
53
Thank you so much. He's sleeping after a long day of playing, and more than a few extra hugs.
7
I was a pediatric cardiac ICU nurse and I cried when I read your story. I am now a dad to a Lego loving 6 year old boy now, too. I'm so happy t hear he's doing well.
4
It can seem like it takes a personal tragedy for us to find that things like family, friendship, or community really do exist—and what they mean.
6
Beautifully written. May God give your boy a long life and much joy. My little boy is Lego obsessed too. This touched me deeply.
7
Enjoy the Legos, and all the time spent on the living room floor!
3
Such a great piece! I can now joke that this is a really well-constructed essay (groan) because I know your son came through the surgery stronger and healthier than Batman.
12
That is the best compliment an English teacher can give. Thank you.
15
You have done it again. My eyes are sweating. Give your boy and yourself a big hug from all of us.
11
Sending hugs right back!
2