Thank you for sharing your story, Ms. Francisco. It takes a lot of courage to share an experience of losing a loved one, and I certianly hope you find solace with your mom's memory. With regards to your hair loss, I would like to share my own experience with hair thinning and some tips that helped me. I was around 30 when I noticed my hair starting to fall out in clumps after swimming/showering. I didn't know what to attribute it too at first, and since my hair is so thick, it was not so bad. Now I am around your age, 35, and have started to question the medical root of it. I first asked me hematologist because I have a rare form of anemia in which I don't produce enough folic acid. She indeed confirmed that hair loss is related to a reduction of folic acid production in the blood stream, which is a symptom many pregnant women have too. She also suggested that stress could be an aggravating factor. I lead a pretty busy life at the moment (writing a doctoral thesis and teaching full time high school), but have decided to implement some of her strategies. In additional to upping my dosage of folic acid, I have added 20 grams of protein to my diet and began doing yoga/breathing exercises. I have since noticed that less hair is falling out. (perhaps something to look in to with your GP, in addition to some of these other great suggestions in the comments. I wish you all the best!
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This is a beautifully written piece about traumatic loss. Your mother first, then your crown. But like a beautifully written vampire story, the myth is larger than the reality. Your mother is your vampire. She took your hair. She holds the key. But this is not based on science.
Female pattern baldness has no rhyme or reason, other than stress,diet, and thyroid disease. You can have everyone in your family have a full head of hair, and be a victim of female patterned baldness. It’s very traumatic to lose one’s hair, especially for women.
Our society puts so much focus on women’s sexuality and their hair. Like so many other things tied to physical appearance, this is wholly unfair. It is tragic.
Only you can decide who and what you are. Not your mother, not the mirror. It’s hard, but you decide.
Good luck.
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I too, began shedding my hair in my 20's. I had a full thick head of curly hair, even for many years after the loss started, but it was terribly upsetting, especially not knowing if/when it'd stop.
A good friend & MD told me to see his endocrinologist. I did, and after many tests was diagnosed with a rare endocrine condition that affects some hormone levels. That, along with gene(s?) for baldness inherited from my father were the cause.
I tried every possible solution to stop the loss; none either worked or I couldn't use them. Chinese herbs gave me severe diarhea, minoxidil lowered my BP to a dangerous level (it contains a BP lowering drug, which even when applied topically gets into your bloodstream), and so on. Now well past menopause I still have adequate but thinner hair and still shed in cycles with a small net loss. But - my attitude changed long ago and I accept it and myself. I've learned over time that beauty is internal - how you feel about yourself and present to the world; it's not about having a full head of hair.
I suffered through thinning hair for several years before and after menopause until comb-overs just weren't doing it. Minoxidil only slowed the thinning. My father was nearly bald on top by 40, as was my brother. My mother's hair didn't thin noticeably thin until she was in her late 70's. I am in my mid-60's and have finally gone the wig route and couldn't be happier. No one (except my hairdresser) ever commented on my thinning hair, and now no one ever comments on my wigs. I'm not brave enough to change color or general style - yet. But the ease of getting up, slapping on a fresh head of hair and going out the door is more freeing than I had imagined. I was admittedly self-conscious the first week at work, but no longer.
I admit wigs are not for everyone, and can be pricey in the beginning, but if you are more self-conscious about being bald than wearing a wig, go for it.
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I know your essay is more about your mom than your hair but hair loss is particularly distressing for women. Have you tried Spironolactone? Get thee to a dermatologist and try it!
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My hair was thinning badly twenty years ago. Both parents had thinning hair. I started taking MSM, organic sulphur, for osteoarthritic pain and was pleasantly surprised at new hair growth and stronger nails in just a few weeks, marked difference. Worked to decrease pain too. It's easy to take with juice, no bad taste. Look around to buy it from a specialized lab, wouldn't trust knock-offs with fillers as would be found cheaply. It's possible to find lab quality. And.....stop thinking that you are losing your hair....say that your hair is coming in and getting thicker....!
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A lovely essay.
On a related, but different note: I know nothing about the genetics of either parent, I was adopted shortly after birth and know nothing about either birth parent, except a name. My feelings about some aspects of being adopted are complicated but I am clear on my feelings about not knowing my genetic history. You cannot worry about what you do not know. I am happy to just take what comes without worrying about possible inherited conditions.
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Thank you so much for writing this essay and sharing your experience. I too, experienced hair loss in my 20's and found it devastating. I hope other women with the same issue find your essay and realize they are in good company.
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Would the new treatment for alopecia aereata help ? It is a mononuclear antibody .
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I have to admit, I'm more sad that the author was abandoned by her mother than that she is losing her hair, which I must imagine is a more difficult thing for a woman (it's been difficult for me and I'm a guy). Thankfully we live in an age where new treatments are coming out all the time.
4
I read this piece with a sense of recognition. I hope the author will bring herself--soon--to search out online communities of women like her (and like me) who wear wigs because of hair loss. There are so many reasons for it! PCOS (an endocrine disorder), autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis (which I have), various medications--most of us go to loads of doctors, when we first notice balding, but few ever get just one conclusive answer. No one I know of has ever regrown their hair. Imagine how few bald men there'd be if anything actually worked! The good news is, wigs are fabulous nowadays, as are toppers and other kinds of "alternative hair." I, personally, enjoy the women who connect on cysterwigs.com (also small groups who find one another on YouTube. Search wig reviews, or just women and wigs.) I was slightly older than you when I saw the big white area at my crown on a store's video camera. The shock was terrifying. Like you, I always had hair that was too thick. My mother's hair began thinning in her 80s, and though there may have been some genetic female pattern baldness on my father's side, I soon learned to let go of all the possible whys and focus on dealing with it. In my case, African-American female friends helped me enormously, at the outset. In that culture, opting for fake hair is quite common. Unfortunately, white and Asian women (and men) seem to have a thing about wigs. My heartfelt advice: Ignore them.
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Interesting that the comments either focus on the loss of Francisco's mother or her hair.
I too have thin hair. It's always been thin but the first time someone commented on it was in high school when a socially inept male friend mentioned that I had a bald spot. I was devastated; this is in 1980, and there weren't any treatments or much discussion at all about female pattern baldness. I've monitored my hair almost continuously ever since. My hair covers my head but it is on the thinner side and there is a fairly narrow range of haircuts that work for me. It may seem silly and vain for someone who doesn't share this problem but people can make stupid and even deliberately mean comments, and Ive had my share of them. Although I was (and still am) considered attractive and fit, hair the mark of feminine beauty, the lack of it sickness.
After noticing increased shedding last year, normal at the cusp of menopause, I started Minoxidal about 8 months ago. It hasn't made my hair thick but it did significantly decrease the shedding. My part line is much tighter than it was before and I think the strands themselves look better. I've read the product is effective in clinical trials for about 40% of women but could be higher if people stuck with it longer to see results. I really didn't start to notice a difference until about 6 months.
4
My beautiful mother had this thinning problem. I felt so grateful not to have inherited it. It does affect your self esteem.
3
My mom dropped me off in Seattle when I was 11 and I never saw her again. You are not your genes. You are not your mother. Just like this writing know you are beautiful.
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Beautifully written. Thank you. It reminds me that there are myriad ways to lose one's mother. Loss of the emotional connection can happen while the mother is still alive and present. Then we must sort out our inheritance: it takes time and therapy to keep the good and let go of the damaging.
You were fortunate that your father and his family gave you the good.
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It’s too bad we women put such emphasis on hair, but we sure do, and I’m probably one of the worst.
I hadn't seen a friend for like over a decade, and it was a joyous occasion until she mentioned my hair had thinned! I was mortified, but swallowed it away secretly. Momentarily, in front of her.
I could hardly wait to get to my beautician and ask her if it was true. She side tracked it, which left me feeling more forlorn.
Why couldn’t my friend have just reminded me I had gained weight, shrunk in height, become more wrinkled? But why my hair? And why should it matter, I’m getting old, I keep telling myself!
I find myself running my hands through my locks, as if trying to convince myself there’s still plenty. I look at my brush to put a mathematical equation on how many pieces it picks up in a certain amount of time. I try new hair curling techniques. Why is another woman’s hair the first thing I see?
I hate it that it matters, but it does.
Your story Kristina, is so touching. A loss of hair and nary a mother memory.
You are a sensitive woman that has spoken for many of us, in our own thinking ways. You and your story will be in our hearts, probably for always.
Thank you.
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Why did your friend have to make any reference to your appearance at all? Why could she not have merely said how wonderful it was to see you? Honestly, was I the only one who was taught if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all? It's just basic manners.
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Thank you for a powerful yet gentle essay. It made me think of a lot of things that mesh together: the search for beauty, one's identity as a child, one's family relationships as an adult, and the practicalities of appearance. I wish you the best and hope you will keep writing.
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In a dream, your loss of hair would represent your loss of your mother.
12
What a perfect last line: “I just wish I had more of both.”
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If you aren’t planning to have children, finasteride and dutasteride can be very helpful. Talk to your dermatologist about these meds. Good luck to you!
7
Beautifully written.
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I am also Asian and just diagnosed with androgenetic alopecia, at the age of 33. I don't have any relatives and family who has alopecia. I doubt it might be genetic. The author mentioned using Chinese herbs and acupuncture. I am curious what herbs are you using.
7
go to activeherb.com and search for a produced called HairVive. Wonderful stuff
1
Congratulations on a beautiful piece. I hope your mother reads it and finds you.
8
So moving..I have a friend who was separated from her mother at a young age and there is longing so great, the pain still burns in her soul. The only thing that has helped is that a friend brought to her awareness the comforting, loving, hope-filled messages of Joel Osteen that teach through his weekly sermons and through the lyrics of the live worship songs, how loved she is by her Heavenly Father. She is beginning to understand that she is no longer an orphan but an adopted, adored, child of God. May you find peace and comfort in your days and years to come.
I was adopted and I have hair loss. I met my biological mother when I was 27 years old. She chose not to tell me who my father was other than explaining it was a high school romance. Neither my biological mom nor her other 12 children suffer from hair loss. So, I am left with the belief that I inherited this from my biological father. Hair loss is devastating. Like the author, I've tried all the same treatments with varying success. Oddly enough, the treatment my adopted father used (message and nightly brushing) seems to work the best. We are who we are, shiny scalp and all. As for me, I will keep looking for a treatment because I will never wear a wig.
17
Why not? I know many women who have worn wigs. Some are orthodox Jews, some are older women who wanted to be able to change their style, but were physically unable to handle the effort that goes into it. They all look very nice.
5
There is nothing more feminine and beautiful than a women free of locks. It’s so striking! As someone with almost no hair I love the freedom, the ease and the way it makes life so simple—and I look mahvelous. When it’s not a choice it’s hard to see it as a boon but hair is a waste of time. When it’s cold I wear fabulous hats and I can have any color/style hair at any time if I feel like it, which is rarely (wigs are now so realistic and comfortable no one can tell the difference). It’s fantastic. Wouldn’t want my hair back if you paid me.
4
Great attitude! That attitude, alone, makes you a very attractive person.
3
Her mother could have a full head of hair, but her grandfather or uncle's on her mother's side might not. Unfortunately, she may never know unless she finds out about relatives on her mother's side.
6
Elegant poetic writing that just started my weekend off with a thoughtful pause.
14
I was touched by your story. You reminded me my own lost Mom! Sometimes, some people grow up right by side at their mothers, but they miss their Mom while she is just there.. I have a story like that. I grew up with a bipolar mother and always missed her, but I couldn't realize until I lost her! I hope you will find your Mom in your own world in your heart and perhaps you will bring her up in your writing.. Good luck on your first novel. I will definitely wait for your novel.
13
Truly a heartfelt story. Hopefully, helpful to others.
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