Are You in a Romantic Relationship That Crosses the Political Aisle?

Back in the 1970s and 80s, my parents cheerfully cancelled out each others' votes and it was just a family joke. These are different times. Support of Trump signals not a political leaning but an ethical and moral blindness, and a collusion with evil. I can barely even sit at a dinner table with a person who supports this calamitous president. Let alone go to bed with one.

A couple years ago, I reconnected with an old friend. While we were catching up, she told me about her last boyfriend. She loved him deeply and was convinced they’d marry; they had even discussed it. The twist was that she’s a liberal, secular Jew and he was a devout Christian, though in the mold of older, social justice oriented denominations, before the Gospel of Wealth and mega churches. She’s open-minded like that, and, surprisingly, they got along in a way that seems impossible these days. Then, two years into their relationship, she accompanied him to his church. That day, the pastor showed a video montage of the world’s biggest problems: clips of war, poverty, environmental degradation, and, tucked among them, an image of two men holding hands. Afterwards, she confronted him, asking what he’d do if they had a gay child. He said he’s try to get him “fixed”—therapy or one of those camps. And when that failed—because it would—what would he do? He’d disown him. That same night, she broke up with him. He crossed a bright red line. (Happy ending: she met and married an awesome guy who’s now a friend.) Is it possible to separate the personal from the political? Most people think of gay rights in the abstract—a liberal cause. But the question “What would you do if we had a gay child?” drives home how personal it really is.

I believe in situational ethics. One should be able to ally with whichever side of the aisle one feels like at the time. We need more disruption and more Trojan horses in all of the "systems" in the United States of America. The best way to bring down our entire "system" is to ally with it to whatever degree is necessary and eviscerate it from the inside.

Married for 35 years, second generation immigrants, I an Italian American, aging but still practicing physician, my husband a Danish-English American small business owner. We have always shared similar political views. For the first time in my married life, I feel I am a victim of domestic abuse. The abuser is the President and members of the Republican Party. The variety of abusive acts, humiliation, belittling, intimidation, insults, name-calling, public put-downs, lies, denial and blame are clearly defined by numerous experts in the field of domestic abuse. I feel threatened, imagine poor Melania. https://www.helpguide.org The description of an abuser fits Trump "to a T". Living in the US now means being subjected to this abusive behavior every day, against anyone whom he fantasizes about abusing- our institutions, members of both parties, many of whom may be acting out of fear of coming under attack, and government leaders abroad, today the broken UK healthcare system, then back to the NFL, after a spectacular day of entertainment, tomorrow? I am a fighter, and I will find a way to leave. I am unwavering in my plan to make a better life outside the US. I have skills that would allow me to move anywhere and help those less fortunate than me. My husband agrees with me on the degrading and abusive behavior but he is not willing to leave. This is beyond crossing the aisle, it feels more like a continental divide.

Yes, my life partner considers himself a Conservative, not even a Republican. He is a strong Trump supporter and watches Fox News often (unless I get so disgusted that I turn off the TV). He thinks the NBC evening news is fake news. I try hard to avoid discussion of politics. It makes me wonder if I understand who my guy really is. I have doubts that our relationship will make it to 2020.

In our 8 year relationship he a Republican, me Democrat. We have educated one another and do it better now than before. . I read NYtimes, Wallstreet Journal and Christian Science Monitor. I don't like the alarmist either side. I have become moderate. At Last night at supper with another long married couple who vote opposite the guys were R the girls more D. I asked in response to R being uwilling to regulate by taxing sugar and D wanting to tax for all to offer solutions. Its not enough to hold your boundary. How are you going to solve problems. My ex never let complainers in his CEO office. You had to come with 3 solutions to the problem. If we all saw whats biased about our own media and political party that we crave unhealthily we would be more solution oriented. So how do we solve the problems we can't stand they can't solve in DC? Its the easy thing to draw your line in the sand. We can't all be right.

One of the closest friends I ever had (now deceased) was a right winger, and I'm a lefty. The thing that enabled the relationship work, I think, was that he was totally non-evangelical about politics. I think I knew him for several years before I even knew that he was conservative. He was also one of the nicest H. sapiens on the planet. If I called him, and he heard any upset in my voice, he'd gently say, "what's the matter?" and then he'd listen, non-judgmentally and offer words of encouragement. I don't think my parents ever knew he was conservative. We met while both working for a conservative publication. I was one of a handful of Democrats working there. Differing politics was never a problem there, either. It was as if there was an unspoken agreement not to argue about politics.

As a life long progressive coming from an actively progressive family on both sides and whose cousins have continued the tradition, I have refused to date or continue dating men with opposing political views. Such is not just a matter of different preferences, it is about a fundamental lack of shared values and sense of life including how children are raised. My greatest heartbreak was when my only son went through a conservative stage in his twenties and thirties. Last year, now in his forties, he was the transport organizer for a large group from central Virginia who went to the womens’ march along with his wife and two teenage children. That makes 4 generations of people with their values where they belong. My husband and I are losing sleep over what our federal government is becoming under Trump. I could not bear to live with a man who either supported Trump or who was complicit.

My husband and I have been married since 1969. We were both 21. When we got married I didn’t realize how Republican my husband was. I was a liberal. Over the decades he has become more liberal, but is registered as an Independent. He wishes I’d watch less News, but he is a big Rachel Maddow fan. My friends are Liberals. He golfs with Republicans and a few more Progressive men. It works for us.

My husband and I are pretty polar opposite as it pertains to our political leanings. It makes for challenges, questions, occasional consternation and once in awhile incredulity. Most importantly it gives opportunity for true love, respect and diversity within our household and relationship.

Yes. I'm a Democrat married to a Republican. But I don't really want to talk about it.

One of the important points of compatibility is to have a harmonic view of Civilization. I hold no quarter for mysogny, racism, class advantage or bigotry. You can disagree about economic policy, but I’m not going to love someone that is carrying water for Creationism, or anti-choice. Remember, generally the truth is Progressives believe in far more personal and diverse freedom than the Right. Marry who you love, smoke what you want, no mandatory Military service, control of your body, right to die, but not capital punishment. Climate denial is is just dumbness, it’s okay to be totally against having an abortion yourself, or being a soldier, if you leave your God at the door, fill your boots on a personal basis. Compassion and Empathy with Diversity and Equality.

We're no longer 'dating' - we're now married and the divide is still very much on our minds. I find my spouse's support of the trump cabal more than troubling and a passive-aggressively thrust middle finger directed at those who intimidate him (me!) We can't talk about politics because we're both so firmly entrenched in our views. Our sources of news are different - he listens to Rush Limpball while I favor MSNBC, CNN, the New York Times and Washington Post. I'm waiting for the impeachment/removal or 3 more years (God forbid!) of resistance and God only knows what he's waiting for...maybe his hair to grow back. Regardless, it's been a divisive issue in our household and one that leaves us both lonely and feeling unsupported and unheard.

For us, it is functional yin & yang. It works (just 3 years so far w no end in sight) because we’re grown ups with decades of relationship experience to draw from. It works because we’re older, self-aware and want the other to be happy. Not afraid to be alone and wouldn’t sacrifice too much equilibrium just to have a partner, but neither wants to be old and alone. We are financially independent of each other and so far have separate addresses but foresee that will change. I did not vote for Trump and am horrified by his presidency. He thinks Trump is an idiot, not presidential, but will vote for him again to advance a conservative financial agenda. We know this, and avoid discussions about voting. Also avoid tv news when together and listen to classical music instead. He taught me to load/unload guns and shoot targets/clay pigeons. I taught him yoga. He fixes stuff, I cook stuff. We hike, sail, and travel really well together. It works because we want it to.

Here's my take on this. We all need to realize that we are tiny, insignificant little animals rotating and orbiting around the Sun. We are completely at the mercy of our beautiful Universe. Our home planet is infinitesimally smaller than our Solar System, which is microscopically smaller than our home galaxy, The Milky Way, which is just one of TRILLIONS of galaxies in our Universe. You are small. You exist at a time after the Earth could get life started here, which is incredibly lucky. In fact, the odds of you being here, with your lovers, companions, and family at this time, are astronomically small. In one billion years or so, the Earth will no longer have even a single complex living creature. Earth's life formed very quickly, but it is much closer to ending than the amount of time it's been going. We are all small, and life becomes meaningful when we realize that our families and friends are the most important thing. Politics don't mean anything to the rest of the Universe, so stop arguing and enjoy the time that you DO have. ~Z

Who one loves may not be a choice. But it it not the choice one has that earns respect, but the choice one makes. I can’t imagine sharing my bed with someone whose convictions oppose the principles upon which rests my perception of human dignity. What else is politics about?

I honestly can't imagine how people navigate through these turbulent waters, especially during a time of such polarization. More power to them, though.