As a licensed professional counselor who has facilitated ovarian cancer support groups for the past 20 years, I am grateful to Dr. Guntupalli and Ms. Karinch for their book on Sex and Cancer. While the topic of sexuality comes up at our support groups, it is hard to cover all the ground needed to address each person's sense of loss. This book, with its recommendations, stories and norms, stands as an outstanding resource and concrete way to help women with this all-too-real aspect of an ovarian cancer diagnosis.
2
I had a double mastectomy in early 2012 at a leading cancer hospital. My final pathology showed a Stage 1A 3-mm invasion of Triple Negative breast cancer with no nodal involvement. I was told that I didn't need chemo and was essentially cured with only a 3% chance of recurrence. Yes, the double mastectomy changed my husband's and my sex life a little. But, not by much.
However, in late 2015, I felt a lump under my arm. I rushed to the oncologist at the cancer hospital where I was now in the "survivor's program". Because I was Stage 1A, the "standard of care" had been for a nurse to feel under my arms every six months -- no ultrasound, no MRI, no CT scan, no PET Scan -- ever. Just a feel under my arms every six months.
Of course the lump I found was a recurrence -- an extensive one that clearly had been going on for some time. After surgery, I was found to have 15 positive nodes plus inoperable positive nodes in my supraclavicular area. Months of intensive chemo and radiation followed.
Last June a PET Scan showed cancer in my lungs and bones. I'm now Stage 4 and terminal.
My husband is remarkable -- a wonderful, loving and devoted partner through all of this. But, I can assure you, with death staring us in the face, sexual pleasure is very far from our minds.
I'm happy for those cancer survivors who can actually consider a future and a sex life. I can't.
9
As a practicing physician, I find one of the most vexing management issues is discussion and counseling of patients’ sexual lives. This is particularly acute in individuals with gynecological malignancies. It takes a compassionate ear and insightful observation to delve into this problem. Dr.Guntupalli and Mrs.Karinch provide both in this expository book targeted at a wide audience. The medical discussion of cancers and their potential cures are succinct and provide a great review for the general practitioner. Patients and their families will
find the information useful in discussions with their doctor. The section addressing solutions for sexual fulfillment is comprehensive, expanding our definitions of intimacy.
I recommend this book unreservedly for every physician’s waiting room library, patients and their families.
4
I am lucky that here in my medium size town our oncology center has a primary care physician on staff that specializes in cancer survivorship - quality of life during and after cancer diagnosid. Her expertise includes comprehensive survivorship wellness - sex life included. I know how fortunate I am to be under her care. A lot about life changes after cancer treatment. It's not all bad but coping with changes in the way old 'parts' work can be huge challenge. https://www.drbaileyskincare.com/info/blog/thriving-part-3-breast-cancer... It's good to have a doctor on your team who has made themselves an expert in guiding you through the journey - no matter what 'parts' issue you're facing.
1
Dr. Guntupalli and Ms. Karinch have written an informative and inspirational book about overcoming challenges related to intimacy, romance and love for those diagnosed with cancer. Using the stories of nine cancer survivors, they compassionately delve into how many couples have reclaimed their right to have "sex" on their own terms. By normalizing the idea of sex after cancer, and by providing practical suggestions, they provide hope for cancer survivors.
3
As a prostate cancer survivor who had a radical prostatectomy six months ago, I think I can speak for all men who have had the surgery that the side effects are both physically and psychologically stressful and depressing. The incontinence and impotence that most men will likely experience after the surgery can create a sense of isolation, disappointment, and sadness. So here's a note to wives:
Even though you, too, are disappointed and sad about your husband's new reality (even though relieved that the cancer may be gone), PLEASE continue to be physically affectionate, especially during those first few months after the surgery. We know that urine leakage is a turn-off, and that impotence changes things. But your husbands need you. They might not be able to express it, but they're feeling it. So, do as the authors recommend: hold his hand, caress him, run your fingers through his hair, hold him close in bed, let him touch you. He needs the emotional and restorative healing of your love and affection now more than ever.
20
Sex has always been a huge source of intimacy and satisfaction for my husband and me, and I suspect it is a key reason why we have enjoyed almost 40 years together. So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, then warned that changes in cells in my endometrium and the skin of my vulva were preludes to cancer in those locations, the first question I wanted to ask was: "What about my sex life?"
I didn't ask, because I sensed my doctors already thought I was in denial (I joke a lot when I am worried about medical affairs) and from past experience with less serious procedures I knew the question might result in a stern lecture. So in each instance, I muddled through our return to sexual activity on my own. It has been more than worth it!
How wonderful that someone recognized the importance of sex to a healthy life, and wrote a book to help other cancer patients find their way back!
I can't believe the negative comments here. Friend, cancer is depressing enough by itself. For those of us who enjoy sex and who crave a return to normal life, the thought of doing without it feels like total defeat. At least, it did to me.
I recently saw my PCP for my annual exam. It's been three years since my last cancer surgery. At one point during the pelvic exam she asked me, in an almost awestruck voice, if I was sexually active. She looked impressed when I said I am. Perhaps doctors--not just oncologists--should read this book, too.
14
Carol in Denver
I am a nurse and a 5 ½ year ovarian cancer survivor. What I loved about this book is that Dr. Guntupalli and Ms. Karinch brought the subject of sex and cancer into the light. That is way overdue. According to many patients and nurses with whom I have talked, It is rarely, if ever, discussed at any point during treatment. Even though I have a wonderful relationship with my own gyn/oncologist, he never brought the subject up with me. If the doctor does not ask, then it is unlikely the patient will tell. If it is not discussed, then help is harder to get. Personally, I loved the book. It is easy to find fault because no book is going to meet everyone’s needs but this one is a great start to dealing with a critically important subject.
5
You mean "after Trump!"
2
I read this book a few months ago and it is great to see that someone is finally addressing these issues! Yes, we should all be focused on cure and treatment for these women but it is so easy to put intimacy on the back burner.
Coming from someone who treats women's cancers on a daily basis it is uplifting to know that a gynecologic oncologist is also worried about the sexual well being of their patients. Women need to understand that just because their cancer may have taken away their "feminine parts" does not make them any less of a woman. Sexuality is such a vital and underrated part of our overall health and I'm glad someone in the medical community has taken the time to discuss it.
5
What a useless article. What are you supposed to do if you are single and don't have a trustworthy partner to help you find a new sex life after cancer? What is actually going on biologically? I'm a 45 year old cancer survivor and sex is impossible for me. All the doctors say is "just see if it doesn't get better over time." or "Yeah, that happens." I'm cancer-free, healthy and otherwise completely normal. Am I supposed to live the rest of my life this way? I have nowhere to turn on this issue and I was really hopeful when I saw this headline, but this article doesn't offer any help or insight whatsoever.
4
Dear Alice,
Maybe I can offer a little help, and a little hope. I interviewed a number of female cancer survivors who are alone and hope to find intimacy again. Along with the physicians and therapists who contributed to the book, they offered practical ways to improve your physical readiness for an intimate relationship. Don't wait for it to "get better over time." Your time is now. People like physical therapists who specialize in pelvic floor therapy and sex therapists are among those you can turn to. I hope with all my heart that you find answers.
12
If Cancer is a journey then so is sex. I’m mostly ruined by Prostate Cancer, goodbye spontaneous whimsical shagging. How fun to shoot up drugs in your wounded pride and produce not even a single “white spider.” It’s all fairly farcical now. And with the right partner it’s all still pretty fantastic. But certain flavors are missed.
Thank goodness we never hewed to pedestrian tastes and Judeo-Christian morals. The biggest sex organ is between the ears, or so I’ve been told. Some folks are fairly eviscerated by cancer treatment. But sex has never been about your own rocks, completely. The healthy half needs to carry on, and you help as you can. It is a conversation. Keep talking fellow survivors!
8
Health care providers including oncologists and oncology nurses and gynecologists and women's health care nurse practitioners need to reach out to cancer patients, AT DIAGNOSIS, and beyond and offer information, guidance and treatment for cancer related sexual problems. There is help and understanding and new approaches including testosterone pellets, vaginal laser treatments, topical hormones, sex toys, lubricants, etc, etc which, can
help diminish sexual side effects. Intimacy, if not penis-in-vagina intercourse can and should be preserved. Between me, a breast cancer patient at 49 and my husband, a prostate cancer patient a few years later reclaiming physical intimacy and desire was a full time job (nice work if you can get it!). For me, it was non negotiable. My sweet husband was less interested. Now, a widow who has begun to date, physical intimacy is still important to me. I'm a nurse practitioner and I have had to figure a lot of this out by myself. I've finally found a few health providers who are interested and educated about cancer and sex. But, I'm still astonished at the way the topic is ignored and how patients feel guilty about wanting a vibrant sex life.
20
AMEN SISTER!!! I kept bugging my radiation oncologists, lovely avuncular men all, to talk to me about my sex life during treatment for rectal cancer.
Crickets.
I spent months doing research in between radiation and surgery and figuring out the new ostomy on my own and then chemo... and ended up being the one to educate all of them.
This deliberate avoidance of these topics is such an injustice to cancer patients!
7
It's nice that someone is trying to make a buck on selling sex post cancer with their book. I would feel more positively about their interest and the opinions weighing in, if they placed a bit more stress on accurate identification of the cancer and its mutation genetics.
Though great progress is being made in the fight against cancer, one of the greatest continuing scandals is the insurance companies are still resistant to the accurate assaying and testing for cancers' genetic make up so that the most appropriate treatments of mutations that occur within the different types of a neoplasms can receive the most effective treatments sooner rather than (too) later.
Increasingly the best oncologist are recognizing that immune therapies and TKI blockers specific to to the markers a biopsy might come back with is key to progression free survival outcomes even in late stage four cancers.
There is nothing more restorative to a sense of vitality than diminishing a cancer to non-detectable levels I assure you.
While Trump is playing around with his strippers and raping the American Public, what happened to our "moonshot" and war on cancer? Oh, I see, it's much more important to find ways to vex and harass immigrants who've been living here as law abiding and productive individuals for decades. Even if that means Republican led Houses and the Executive Branch shut down the government they totally control to extort a 'wall' "Mexico will pay for, I guarantee it!"
11
Women with hysterectomies and loss of hormones or the inability to take hormones should look into the new treatment with lasers called Mona Lisa Touch. I have heard that it is miraculous and replaces the tissues back to normal.
10
Now, there's News I Can Use! Thanks, I will check it out!
1
As a person who was diagnosed with cancer at 43 years of age, a single parent not in a relationship, dating is not easy. I have a body that is scarred with are construction didn't quite work out that well. While I am grateful I live on, relationships with people can be difficult. Men don't find it visually appealing in a potential partner, some fear it will return and have to live through a re-occurrence. Dating post cancer becomes a mine field that can leave one feeling alienated.
14
ME TOO. This is a serious issue and no one seems to care. When I talk to therapists, they just tell me I'm doing great and should be proud of how strong I am? But they have no advice for how to really date or figure this out. It's like everyone thinks I should just be grateful to be alive.
9
I realize the primary focus of this article is Ms. Gubar's life with ovarian cancer and the issue of sex, but I think this article could be applicable for sex after ANY illness or injury which takes or has taken precedence over sex.
After a life threatening accident when I was in my 50s and multiply surgeries which followed, a sexual relationship with my husband was no longer an option. I was terrified a sexless marriage might cause my husband to "step out" on me. His heart almost broke when he realized my fears. He said the sex in our marriage was great but its absence was not a deal breaker in our marriage. Being "true blue" meant something to him.
As Ms. Gubar stated, "kissing, hand-holding, cuddling, caressing bond couples" and it is that level and degree of intimacy that continues to keep our love and marriage so strong.
No two marriages are alike and the needs, expectations, and parameters of each can't and shouldn't be compared for each are different and unique onto themselves.
I consider myself extremely lucky and fortunate to have such a compassionate, understanding, selfless, caring and thoughtful husband. He s always said just being together, sharing our life together, and enjoying every day together as if it were our last brings him more joy than he ever imagined.
But I also think I was lucky to have 25 years of a wonderful and full sex life before my accident and a husband who cares more about me and my happiness than his own needs.
48
Thank you for your moving and candid comments and thank you to Susan Gubar for starting the conversation! I am the co-author of Sex and Cancer and your stories of struggle and discovery mean a great deal to me. I am also a cancer survivor (uterine), so this book arose out of my own needs and a passion I shared with Dr. Guntupalli to find answers to intimacy questions for all of us affected by cancer. I interviewed women and men just like you and tried to listen and learn. I’m still listening and learning!
17
I spent a lot of time today online, quite a bit of time on FB and other mainstream sites. But the comments here were far and away the best, most moving contributions/entries I found on the internet today.
10
I'd also like to add: Encourage young people to have lots of sex while they can. Don't tolerate a sexless marriage if it's bothering you. Enjoy an intimate life that is varied, and guilt free.
Trust me, you never know when it's going to all be over, and sometimes you can be (or feel) shockingly young. it's terribly sad when it is. Honestly, it's ruined my life.
34
Try having sex after prostate cancer... Basically, everything is broken, often permanently. And everyone will say, "There are other ways to have sex...!" They have NO idea. It's terribly sad, and the medical community will not only fail to help the patient, they will certainly ignore the partner.
30
As my wife of forty four years struggled for three years until her death with small cell lung cancer, I loved her more deeply with each day that passed. I was her primary care giver; I found it difficult to be separated from her, even for an hour; and sexual desires were so very, very far from my mind. I miss her so much.
105
Thank you for this post, from a widow who agrees.
34
SCW, your letter resonates with me. When my wife received the diagnosis that her breast cancer had metastasized and there were only a couple years left, our sex life improved in quality (and quantity). We wanted to love each other more intensely. I was too her health advocate and primary caregiver. I was amazed that we could make love even better than many years before. I thought perhaps it was because we were still trying to know each other everyday better than the day before. Unfortunately the opioids stopped all this, when they became necessary in the last five months before she died.
4
Be realistic. There's nothing after cancer except trying to survive.
10
And exploring relationship sexuality is a part of "survival" I'm the life partner of a post-stage 4 cancer "survivor" whose permanent feeding tube does not inhibit our erotic play - even as it made it dangerous to sleep in the same bed with him as my movements risked pulling it out. Adaptation is part of survival.
9
Not true at all. As a two-time cancer survivor, I've survived two surgeries, radiation and chemo. I lead a full and exciting life. Attitude makes all the difference.
30
"Attitude makes all the difference."
...until the cancer ends your otherwise "full and exciting" life. Sorry, but attitude has absolutely nothing to do with it. You are lucky to have survived until now. Nothing more.
21
My husband passed away from colon cancer 10-years ago. Four years before his death, he had his colon removed and was unable to ejaculate (although he could still experience orgasms). Those four years saw not only inventive cuddling and a renewed intimacy but also some of the best sex we had ever had because all our usual expectations were removed.
46
I've metastatic breast cancer, I've been treated with intensive chemo, radiation, mastectomy, hormonal therapy, targeted therapy, aromasine inhibitors, something to shut down the ovaries, a different targeted therapy and a different estrogen killer, now a new chemotherapy, and bone medicine. I still feel young (ish) and beautiful enough, but with one breast gone, plus all that anti-estrogen medicine, not only are many female parts gone (I am less one breast, and less one uterus), plus the hormones that would have made the remaining bits work properly, but I feel like the entire concept of sex has been amputated, stolen from my brain. Cuddles, yes, love and kisses, sure. But actual sex sex, it's like I've forgotten it ever existed. Perhaps it might have happened anyway. I'm 56. Perhaps its a godsend. No more slavery to my hormones.
21
I plan to buy and read this book. The disease that has affected my body and libido was not cancer but endometriosis that resulted in surgical menopause at the age of 30 when my ovaries, uterus and cervix were removed. I was immediately put into menopause. I had numerous surgeries before the laparoscope was used so, instead, surgeons cut open my pelvic cavity. I have vertical and horizontal scars running along my belly. My point is that it is not only cancer that affects a woman's image of herself and her ability to enjoy lovemaking.
26
"It can be difficult to experience desire if you don’t love but fear your body or if you cannot recognize it as your own."
As this sentence so beautifully summarizes, the main problem indeed isn't physical, it's the attitude towards our own body.
Cancer, of course, can change that attitude.
But we (including cancer patients) shouldn't forget the fact that it's not the only reason why people may have an attitude towards their own body that makes it difficult to feel desirable and as a consequence feel sexual desire.
Seeing your own body as desirable is something that has to be learned, not something that arises as spontaneously as our hearts continues to beat, no matter what happens in life.
You may have been lucky and belong to that group of people who by chance met the right circumstances/people to have almost unconsciously learned how to feel desirable, but many people weren't that lucky, even though they never had cancer.
That means that cancer can be an event that allows you to consciously investigate what feeling desirable actually means, and how to cultivate an attitude that leads to this kind of self-perception. And the more you consciously know how to cultivate this kind of attitude, the more you can have an impact on how desirable you feel, so ... the less you stay a "victim" of losing your desire after difficult moments such as cancer treatments.
After all, the beauty of feeling desirable is feeling LOVED, and everybody can learn to love his/her own body.
13
I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer at 36. The treatments ruined me physically for sex. At first I really wanted to fix it because I thought it would rescue my strained relationship. I tried, but it was painful for both of us and we split up. Now, I am grateful to have lost the desire for sex. It has been 15 months and life is much more full when I can focus on other interests and don't have to put myself through the emotional roller coaster of dating.
17
Good for your experience, but accepting that cancer has an upside (the expanded freedom to "focus on other intetests"?) is, at least to me, implausible. Particularly when coupled with a dismissive comment about dating.
Not a cancer survivor, but I have had my own profound challenges. I belong here. I am interested in reading about how people confront, and come to accept, the huge losses in their lives.
Some argue that that process makes us fuller, humbler human beings (a variant on the old saw that that which does not kill me makes me stronger), which may be, but I would prefer not to have received from God my deep limitations in the first place. It's just that He didn't ask for my opinion.
4
Ms. Gubar's friend's statement in the last paragraph made me think of the old SEINFELD episode when Jerry exclaims to Elaine, "I remember it was a good thing." Yes, indeed. I can empathize with this article on both a professional - as an RN - and personal level. My husband had prostate cancer followed later by Parkinson's Disease. All I can say is how difficult it is to no longer have that intimacy that we once shared. But, call it a deep love for the other, we found ways to still share our inner passions and spiritual chemistry. There is no "one size fits all." This beautiful gift of human nature needs to be tailored to individual needs as well as to those within a committed union. It is not easy, but it is certainly doable and rewarding on a higher plain.
30
I had stage 4 endometrial in 2009, and here's what I wrote about sex afterward (so grateful for this afterward!):
http://www.cancertips.net/blog-11/index.html
11
Your article was tremendous. You and your partner are brave and loving. It is amazing "back in the day" that there was some old wives tale that we are better off without our uterus's. Surely surgery like this should be done only to save lives. The fact that you are able to express yourself on these intimate matters is key. We maintain a sex life despite having decided to have separate rooms. This too is possible and we do it because now sleep is almost as important as sex. It means we have to talk about having sex in the same way one would decide about meals and travel.
9
May I commend you for having the courage to write, in detail, what you experienced with your hysterectomy. When I had mine, there was absolutely no information available to me. There was only one book in the bookstore and it didn't even have a chapter on sex. My doctor was too embarrassed to deal with this subject and I had no support groups or friends with this experience to turn to.
We must speak about this reality. As women, we owe it to ourselves and to those of us experiencing certain changes in the lovemaking process, the enjoyment of sex and the feelings associated with these changes. Being honest about what happens as we age or face illness and surgery, is the first step in taking the blinders off and revealing to ourselves and others what we deal with as women.
Understanding and acceptance are the key factors to finding ways around these changes. I learned to navigate this truth with humor and dedication.
11
Maybe some psychiatrist can chime in on this one: do male caregivers lose the ability to see their treated spouses in a sexual manner. It sounds like that from a couple of comments here.
8
According to my urologist, this (and the need for significantly higher doses of erectile disfunction medicine when one does generate interest) is not uncommon :-(
This is a good article but it tends to shroud the extent to which ‘if not now, later.’” is really "never" in which case the rest of the article needs emphasis. Love really can triumph but it demands that the healthy partner make large adjustments (not necessarily sacrifices).
6
Cancer is always a tragic reminder that our bodies have never been, and never will be, anything but tiny fragments of the universal chaos of the cosmos everywhere, however easily we ignore our “hastening to the grave” and eventual utter dissolution when we are seemingly “healthy’ during our lifelong dying. What a darkly farcical thing “le petit mort” of orgasm is, as we famously feel “most fully alive” in the moment we symbolically create our replacement in the chaotically formless, utterly meaningless dance of life into nothing but death.
10
My wife is a two time Breast cancer survivor with one greatly diminished breast left. Never was there a time during those two events that she was not desirable and alluring, even when managing a drain. Now she has a shattered back what was not uncommonly a daily experience has not happened since her back surgery went badly almost a year ago. Granted my wife and I have been intimate for 50 years now (implying maybe we should just be done now) but I have still been amazed that I feel no less sexual satisfaction now, the greatest pleasure is still and always was bringing her pleasure anyway she enjoyed it. What she tolerates now is a pretty small selection from the "dessert tray" but we are still happy and as romantically involved as we ever were. Love is so much more... so much more. Sex is just one of the flavors of love... maybe just the sprinkles.
92
Your wife is a lucky woman.
31
Frank At this time when so many women are disillusioned by the men they are reading about, you and other partners of cancer survivors are an inspiration.
48
Frank - how you described your feelings, respect and regard for your lovely wife was one of such class and beauty. I especially loved the line "pretty small selection from the "dessert tray" and that love is perhaps just the sprinkles of love.
Men like you and my husband really get it. You know the full, complete and true meaning of the word love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish your wife and you many more wonderful years together.
5
Don't know for whom it was worse after my prostate cancer operation - my wife or me. We tried everything under the sun and moon but I had zero feelings and no drive. Both the physical and emotional part was missing, but worst of all was the longing for feeling excited and turned on.
I did all in my power to completely block everything sexual out of my head and went on and emerged myself completely on a new work projecr. One year after the operation now I am amazed that some sexual emotions and physical pleasures are returning slowly, this is after the surgeon explained the prostate had been cleaned out.
Cancer is a physical ilness - don't let it become an emotional one as well.
28
My husband was not so fortunate after his prostate surgery, and now, with the addition of Hormone therapy for a return of the cancer, I know there is no hope. We are young, in our 50’s, and the thought of the loss of intimacy for the rest of our lives leaves me crying for us both.
22
Why do you use a photo of two young model-type people?
77
GREAT question!
11
Because unfortunately, as this very beautiful picture illustrates, cancer doesn't only happen to "old people" ... and no longer feeling desirable happens to many cancer patients, including the most "model-like" types ... .
21
But the majority of cancer patients are probably not young, model like types, so why were these chosen to illustrate the article?
4
After my radical mastectomy and chemo at age 25, my new husband left. That was almost 40 years ago. Once I picked myself up off the floor, I was amazed at how many men really didn't care about my scars. I married again at 30 and had 3 kids. Sex has been great despite cancer and the threat of more cancer. Attitude is everything, but then I only have a different breast, no super invasive surgery, missing parts, tubes or bags, for which I am very grateful.
63
While my experience with this topic is slightly different, you must be honest with yourself at all times. Never give up on having or enjoying sex, even if you have to reimagine it and provide it for yourself.
I had an operation many years ago. No one told me sex would be very different afterwards. I took it upon myself to educate myself in every aspect of sexual enjoyment and ultimately had to retrain myself in how to recognize I both needed the release and how to provide it for myself, both with a partner and without.
Never give up on yourself or having sex. Sex is very important in life. You aren't living a full life without it. Please, take my word for it.
21
My situation is similar to Allis'. I had my initial surgery at 43. I'm very grateful that I've survived 15 years. I'm not ashamed of my colostomy & urostomy. But I'm divorced and heterosexual, and it's really hard to find and keep a partner. Writing on sex and cancer rarely addresses the very real problems that single women face.
71
Ms. Siegel, I'm am sorry for your life situation and wish you comfort and love in any way you find it.
11
Do you somehow believe that that writing addresses the problems that single men face, openly and empathetically? Perhaps Florida is an unsuspected hotbed of openmindedness.
Really, it's not always about women.
1
Anhedonia is a generalised loss of pleasure in life, not just a loss of sex drive and sexual pleasure.
17
Hey, for a variety of reasons one can not feel pleasure, even when not dealing with the scourge of Cancer or its after effects! Especially in 2018, when the sad perception is arising, how can I be sure ( with apologies to The Rascals!) that the female close to me, really wants me! Sad, sad, so incredibly sad!!!
5
Thoughtful words for anyone affected by loss of sexual function for any reason, who still craves physical intimacy.
12
Obviously I am very sympathetic with this issue. Horrible. Personally ,I would also like to comment that after a man has prostate cancer the effects are both physical and very psychological. Not easy issues.
19
There is sex, and there is the physical expression of love. It's not always the same. This article refreshes my gratitude and love for my late husband. Thank you.
We were two cancer victims, one survivor, so far.
34
The only positive about this is that it represents a situation you will deal with as a result of survival. No one brought this up during treatment and I was too consumed by survivor guilt to ask what I thought to be a selfish and trivial question about future sexual relations.
23
Pelvic floor physical therapy can help with the physical limitations following gynecological cancers. It can assist women and men in their management of incontinence, pelvic pain and sexual dysfunction. Many people aren't aware that this type of help is out there.
https://hermanwallace.com/blog/rehabilitating-pelvic-floor-muscles-after...
If you search "cancer" in the search bar on this website, you'll find a lot more information. This site is geared towards physical therapists but is still very informative for patients. You can click on the "find a practitioner" tab to find a practitioner in your area.
9
Radiation and chemo therapy for bladder cancer pretty well shut me down. Survivorship with a big asterisk.
17
Thank you, NYT, for this article. We read endless op eds on the traumas young, healthy people suffer thanks to their attractiveness to the opposite sex, but media completely ignores the sadness and isolation the disabled and physically challenged experience. Does physical disability ruin the capacity to want to connect emotionally, to feel love or any kind of desire?
21
During my appointment with my breast surgeon, in regards to my double mastectomy and reconstruction/possible reconstruction my husband said: “it doesn’t matter to me.” He loved me and wanted to get through with whatever was ahead of us. Well...that was almost 5 years ago, and I haven’t had sex since. A sexless marriage? At first, when I was well enough to think about intimacy, I realized I had no inclination to have intimacy. All the primal urges left me. Psychology I needed intimacy, I craved it. My sexless marriage continued. I spoke to my husband about it. His reply: “some marriages are like that, and ours it that.” Gravel down. Conversation completed. Sex isn’t all of it, that reach for a hand, that special look. But, I am in a sexless marriage and it has been so long that I can’t even imagine how to get fro here to there. It is painful, sad.
So, in a word, my journey of breast cancer and sex is horrific. There is none and it’s unfortunate.
56
The article and comments suggest that "a sexless marriage" is not inevitable. Your husband is operating out of duty. There is still time (I hate to use the cliche "with therapy") to discover pleasure in eachother again.
7
Let's be honest. Loss of the ability to feel desire and arousal can be emotionally devastating.
43
"My laughter was a total turn on, as I bathed in the bliss of cherishing my friend’s candor."
I thought about this sentence and realized that laughter emanating from candor and stimulated by someone close to you can be so exhilarating. Thank you Ms. Gubar for stating it.
16
Almost ten years ago, in my 60s, I had the bilateral mastectomies recommended by two separate tumor boards. The location and aggressiveness of the ER/PR negative, HER2 highly positive tumor were problematic. so my surgeon presented the case twice.
My husband sat with me as we listened to his recommendation, summarized as "We'll have one chance at this." He agreed that this was the road to take. And so it was done. Nodes removed from both sides were negative. Medically, the outcome was excellent.
But my husband has never touched me in a sexual manner since, nor will he discuss this. Our life is good in other ways, but still, this was a loss, one I mourn alone. Thank you for this article.
76
Sex changes with age and physical condition. It may no longer look afterward like a hurricane hit your bedroom, but the neighbors may still complain to the police about the noise.
39
Vuva Magnetic vagina Dilators are wonderful. Great for post cervical cancer patients. They are the only ones with Neodymium Magnets in them to reduce pain.
7
One of the many sad losses to be suffered in life, usually in silence.
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As a post-pelvic radiation patient, diagnosed with Anal Cancer in 2015, I remember sex all too well...and I no longer cry at the memory. I try to focus on what is left rather than what is lost. My personal mantra borrowed from the Serenity Prayer: I will accept what I cannot change. My last piece of advice: if you don't already have one, rescue a dog and shower it with affection.
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What a smart and loving response to illness and to life. Wishing you (and you dog) all the best.
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Or a cat!
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I sympathize, and I love dogs. But a dog is not the same as a loved and loving human life partner.
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Thanks for starting this conversation. Silent tears are streaming down my face. This is the first time I am seeing this acknowledgement/understanding and that I am not alone. Honestly, I just felt like a bad leukemia survivor. I have never felt great about my body even when I was going to the gym and then cancer.
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even as my colon-4 survival enters its second decade, i've made little progress accepting my ostomy. if i were a better, less-narcissistic, person i would not mourn so; after all, everyone ages. we are made to fall apart.
sometimes i think of life as a wonderful movie... cancer tried to drag us from the theater, but somehow we've kept our seats, if only to watch the credits in their entirety.
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Beautifully stated.
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sounds like much of this is applicable and helpful for anyone who has (or is a partner with) a chronic health condition. Cancer is 'the worst of the worst", of course, for both extremes of damage to body/psyche and threat to mortality. Other conditions (diabetes using insulin and glucose monitoring devices), rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, chronic pain) also interfere with some or all of the aspects of sexuality and loss of Eros addressed in this book. Positive information and clear language sound very helpful for the many people who are not comfortable talking to MD (or even each other) about this essential part of our vitality.
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I had a large stage 4 osteosarcoma in my left thigh when I was 50. It was removed via an incision from my pelvic bone to just above my knee. After that plus 6 rounds of chemo, each requiring a 5-day inpatient stay, and 35 rounds of radiation I was a physical and emotional mess. Everyone's comments above, whether about cancer or another life-threatening disease, ring so, so true. Terrible though the treatment was, I clung to each morsel of it in desperate hope of it being successful. The worst of all of it? The fear I could see in the faces of my family and how hard they worked to hide it and the way I became afraid of every sniffle, cough, elevated temperature, and sore joint that has come my way in the 20 years since treatment. The idea of being dead was something I could handle, but the dying process itself terrified me. I know now that I did too good a job of showing a strength I didn't always feel and of hiding from those around me how scared I was and how much I needed comforting. My advice now as a 70-year old is to let your fear (and your scars) be very visible to those who love you; don't deprive them of the opportunity to give you what you need. And keep a hard copy of this article and of all the comments by its readers.
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